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Arthur's Chambers Arthur dresses behind the screen. Arthur: What's taking so long? Merlin: It's the Feast of Beltane. The King must look kingly. Arthur: I'm hardly going to look kingly in my undergarments, am I? Merlin: Have a little patience. Think of something pleasant. Arthur: You in the stocks? Merlin: Wait one second... Merlin fiddles with something. Arthur: One. Arthur steps out from behind the screen and Merlin spins around, hiding something behind his back. Arthur: What have you got there? Merlin: Nothing. My hand. Merlin shows his right hand, then hides it behind his back. Merlin: My other hand. Merlin shows his left hand, then hides it behind his back. Arthur walks forward dressed in everything but his trousers. He turns Merlin around and sees his belt in Merlin's hands. He takes it. Arthur: Why are you putting another hole in this belt? Merlin: I was, er...enhancing it for comfort and ease of use. Arthur: Are you saying I'm fat? Merlin: No! I'm saying the belt is one hole shy of perfection. Arthur: Ridiculous! Arthur tries to put the belt on over his chainmail. He cringes as he tries to squeeze it tight. Arthur: Come on. The belt doesn't close. Merlin: Don't be too hard on yourself. A little extra padding goes with the job. What, with all the feasts and banquets and ceremonies. Arthur gives up on the belt and hands it to Merlin. Arthur: All right, Merlin, do what you have to do. Not a word of this to anyone, understand? Merlin: Trust me, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's keeping secrets. [SCENE_BREAK] Castle - Siege tunnels Agravaine strikes a match, lights a smoke grenade and launches it at the feet of the sentries guarding the entrance to the siege tunnels. The guards cough and choke. Agravaine steps past them and signals Morgana's troops with a torch. They signal back. [SCENE_BREAK] Castle - Dining Room The dining room bustles with conversation as Arthur enters. He passes Gaius as he heads to the head of the table. Arthur: Have you seen Agravaine? Gaius: No, sire. Not since this morning. Arthur: Strange. He should be here by now. Arthur takes his place at the head of the table and Merlin arrives with a heaping plate of food. Arthur: Ah! My favourite. Herb crusted capon. Merlin: Easy now, we don't want any more holes in that belt! Percival chokes on his wine as he sniggers. Arthur laughs uneasily. Merlin (to Gaius): Wine? Gaius nods and Merlin pours him a glass. Arthur: Merlin? Arthur nods for him to lean in. Merlin steps closer and Arthur grabs the front of his shirt. Arthur: It's a good job you don't have anything of any actual importance to keep secret, isn't it? [SCENE_BREAK] Castle - Siege tunnels Agravaine exits the tunnels and looks for Morgana's army, worried that she's not there yet. His expression relaxes and he smiles when he sees the Southrons approaching. He leads them through the tunnels. [SCENE_BREAK] Castle - Dining Room Arthur watches Sir Percival chatting up a lovely lady. He turns away, depressed. Merlin: You all right? Arthur: No-one likes to be called fat, Merlin. Merlin: Sorry. Arthur looks around, continuing to mope. Merlin: It's Gwen, isn't it? Arthur: I look for her in the room; she's not there... Then I remember why. [SCENE_BREAK] City Gate Southrons snap the necks of the sentries at the gate, then cover the lower town with lighter fluid. Agravaine drops a torch on it and the whole lower town goes up in flames. He smirks. Morgana watches from the hills, Helios at her side and the Southron army behind her. Morgana: It's time. - Opening Credits - [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot - Lower Town The townsfolk flee as knights attempt to put out the fires. Elyan shouts an order. Elyan: Form a line to the well! We need more water. Now! Sir Leon: Forget about the water. Elyan: But if we can't... [SHOUTING] Leon grabs Elyan's arm and directs his attention to the arch where the Southron army is advancing. Elyan: How did they breach the gate!? Sir Leon: We can't worry about that now. Quickly! Sound the alarm! The knights draw their swords. [SCENE_BREAK] Dining room Arthur stands in confusion as the warning bells sound and Gwaine enters. Gwaine: Sire! We're under attack! They're within the city walls! Arthur takes off his cloak. Arthur: Merlin, get everyone to the inner chamber. Merlin: Yes, sire. Everyone follow me! Arthur jumps over the table and grabs a sword. Arthur: Gwaine, secure the armoury! Percival, with me! [SCENE_BREAK] Castlecorridor Elyan runs into Agravaine marching down the corridors with the Southrons. Elyan: This is your doing. Agravaine: Stand aside. There's nothing you can do about it now. Elyan draws his sword. Elyan: I can kill you for the traitor that you are. Agravaine draws his sword. Agravaine: Brave words, Elyan. And they shall be your last. Elyan is thrown backwards and falls to the floor unconscious. The Southrons step aside revealing Morgana behind them with a hand raised. Morgana: We don't have time to play soldiers, Agravaine. Morgana marches past them and they follow. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur leads the defensive through the corridors. Southrons pour into the main square. [BELL TOLLS] [SCENE_BREAK] Inner chamber Merlin and Gaius help the wounded. Merlin: The lower town is lost. It's only a matter of time before they reach the citadel. Gaius: How did this happen? How did they get in without being detected? Merlin: We knew Agravaine was planning something. Gaius: It seems your worst fears have been realised, Merlin. Merlin takes off. Gaius: Merlin... Merlin: I've got to find Arthur! [SCENE_BREAK] Castle corridors Arthur slices through Southrons on his way down the corridor. Merlin runs to find him. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot Lower Town Helios kills his way through the lower town. Sir Leon: We can't hold them for much longer! Lead the people to the woods! Retreat! Retreat! [SCENE_BREAK] Phoenix corridor Arthur and his knights fights Southrons. Arthur kills the two attacking him, but a third takes down one of his knights and turns on Arthur, striking him in the ribs. Arthur cries out in pain. Merlin arrives. Arthur elbows the attacker in the face and clutches his side as he runs down the corridor. Merlin intercepts him and pulls him around the corner. Arthur yells in pain. Arthur: Arrrgh! Been hiding in the broom cupboard as usual, Merlin? Merlin: We need to get out of here! Merlin shoves Arthur down another corridor, then turns back to the Phoenix corridor as the Southrons run toward them. Merlin: *B l on bryne!* The torch fires spring across the width of the corridor, blocking the Southrons as they cower back. [SCENE_BREAK] Courtyard corridor Merlin and Arthur run down the corridor, Arthur still clutching his side. Merlin: Are you all right? Arthur: I'm fine. They stop against a column and Arthur groans. Arthur: Maybe a broken rib or two. Arthur peeks around the corner and sees Helios and Morgana leading the Southron army. His expression changes to shock when he sees Agravaine with them. He rests back against the column. Arthur: Agravaine. Arthur's anger rises and Merlin grabs him to stop him from launching out to face the entire Southron army alone. Merlin (whisper): No! It's no good! Arthur! There are too many of them. We can deal with your uncle later. All right? Arthur calms a little and Merlin leads him away. Merlin : Go! [SCENE_BREAK] Woods Knights, guards, and townsfolk flee the city. Sir Leon: Quickly, this way! Go on! Quickly! Go on! Sir Leon looks back at the burning city. [SCENE_BREAK] Throne room Helios approaches Morgana who lounges on the throne alone. Helios: The city has fallen. Camelot is ours. Morgana (unimpressed): And? Helios gives her a look. She rises from the throne. Morgana: Taking Camelot was the easy part, Helios. I want Arthur. Where is he? Helios: He's right here, my lady. In the palace. He's nowhere left to run. Morgana smiles. Helios smiles and laughs as Morgana stalks past him. [SCENE_BREAK] Inner chamber Gaius: I can bind the ribcage, but even that would run the risk of puncturing a lung. Arthur: Do whatever it takes, Gaius, just so long as I can swing a sword. Gwaine and Percival enter and bar the doors. Gaius: How do we stand? Percival: The citadel is overrun. We can't hold out much longer Gaius: How long before they reach us? Percival: Minutes at best. Merlin: We can't wait for Arthur. If they find him, they'll kill him. Percival: We must get him to safety while we still can. Gwaine: Arthur would never abandon his people. He'd rather die. Merlin: Barricade the doors. Give us as much time as you can. Merlin and Gaius step aside. Merlin: We need to get Arthur out of here whether he likes it or not. Give him some kind of potion, something to knock him out? Gaius: I don't have anything strong enough. In my chambers, perhaps, but the Southrons control the palace. Merlin: There must be something. Gaius: I'm sorry, Merlin. Maybe there's something you can do. Arthur won't go willingly. What if he was to lose his will? Merlin: Are you suggesting magic? Gaius: Can you do it? Merlin: I can try. Merlin steps behind Arthur and Gaius steps in front of him as Arthur leans back against the table. Gaius: I'm sorry, sire, this is going to hurt. Arthur: Just get on with it! Gaius presses his hands into Arthur's wound and Arthur howls in pain. Merlin: *Mod Wes craeftleas...* Merlin's eyes glow and Arthur stirs weirdly. Gwaine and Percival rush up. Merlin: We need to leave now, sire! Merlin looks at Gaius, waiting. Arthur: Of course. Arthur stands up, slightly unsteady and the others look at each other. Merlin gives Gaius a shrug and Gwaine and Percival brush off their surprise. Percival: Then let's go. Percival slings Arthur's arm around his neck and helps him out. Percival: We'll use the Postern Gate. Merlin gathers Arthur's things. Gwaine stops as the walk out and offers his hand to Percival. Gwaine: I'll keep them off your back as long as I can. Percival looks at Gwaine, then he grasps Gwaine's arm and exits with Arthur. Gaius just stands there. Merlin: Gather your things, Gaius. Gaius: You go, Merlin. I'll just slow you down. Merlin: Gaius, no. Gaius: You must know it's for the best. Merlin: No, if you stay here... Gwaine: No time to argue. I'm sorry. Gwaine shoves Merlin toward the exit. Gaius: Look after our King, Merlin. Merlin hesitates, then runs off. Gwaine and Gaius face the door. The Southrons burst in, Morgana in their midst. Gwaine allows his sword to be taken. Gaius: It seems your victory is short-lived, Morgana. Morgana scowls and turns to the door. Morgana: Prepare the horses! We're going on a hunt. [SCENE_BREAK] Woods Percival support Arthur through the woods, Merlin at their side. They slow to a stop. Arthur:Thank you, Percival. Merlin: Can you walk on your own? Arthur:Oh, yes. Just point me in the right direction. Footsteps approach. Percival: Shh! Percival grabs someone. Percival: Elyan! Elyan: Don't all back on my account. They smile. Percival: Is the way out of Camelot clear? Elyan: As far as I can tell. They head off, while Arthur lingers to watch Camelot burn. Merlin waits for him. Merlin: Come on, Arthur. Merlin nods for Arthur to follow and he walks on slowly. [SCENE_BREAK] Woods Percival: They'll come after us. They know Arthur's still alive. Elyan: Then we have to make it across the border. Find sanctuary anywhere we can. Merlin: I know a place. Ealdor. It's beyond the White Mountain. Wait... They stop and Merlin turns back to listen. [HOOVES APPROACH] Merlin: Listen. Percival: Run! They run as Morgana, Agravaine, and the Southrons ride straight for them. Morgana mutters curse. Morgana's eyes glow and they're all thrown forward. Merlin and Elyan help Arthur to his feet and they keep running. Southrons pursue on foot. Merlin: Where's Percival? Elyan: We have to go! They reach a rock trench and Elyan stops. Elyan: Go! Arthur runs on. Elyan hands Merlin a sword. Merlin: What about you? Elyan: Don't worry about me. Go! Merlin runs off. Elyan steps into the trench opening and fights off the Southrons as they come one at a time. [SCENE_BREAK] Woods Merlin stops running and holds up a hand and Arthur runs into him. Arthur: Sorry! My fault. Merlin is surprised. Merlin: I think we're safe for now... But we need to find you some kind of disguise. You're too conspicuous in those clothes. Arthur looks down at his armour and red cape. Arthur: Whatever you say. I'm entirely in your hands. Merlin stares at simpleton Arthur for a moment and they continue on. [SCENE_BREAK] Council Chamber Morgana is curled up on the throne, smiling up at Helios as Agravaine enters. Agravaine: All quarters of Camelot are now under our control. Some knights have fled to the woods, but those that did not escape are either in our dungeons or dead. Morgana: Very good. Agravaine smiles at Morgana, but it fades when he catches Helios's eye. Morgana: Now [...] the people of Camelot welcome me as their Queen? Agravaine: They will swear allegiance to no-one but Arthur. Morgana: I expected no less. Burn their crops. Agravaine is clearly shocked. Morgana: Let's see how they feel when their children begin to starve. Helios: And what of Arthur? Morgana nods and a couple of Southrons shove Elyan into the chamber. Helios nods and they shove him to his knees in front of Morgana. Morgana: We'll find Arthur soon enough. [SCENE_BREAK] Woods Merlin and Arthur find a hut with laundry hanging on the clothesline outside. Arthur hunches down over Merlin's shoulder. Merlin: Perfect. Arthur nods like an imbecile behind him as Merlin tries to get up with Arthur squeezed in next to him. Merlin sits against a wall as Arthur changes. Merlin: In your own time. Obviously. Arthur:Agh. Sorry, Merlin. Some of these things are a little on the tight side. Merlin: Beggars can't be choosers, sire. Arthur: No, you're right. I Probably should learn to think before I speak, shouldn't I? Merlin smiles. Merlin: It'd be a start. Arthur: Agh. All done. Arthur steps out from behind the wall for inspection. The trousers reach just below the knee, the sleeves barely reach past his elbows, and the shirt shows a large section of midriff. Merlin laughs. Merlin: Well, Arthur, what can I say? You look like a total turniphead. Arthur: Well, should I try something else? There's, there's plenty more here. Merlin: No. No. That, that will do absolutely fine. Although, maybe I'll take that. Merlin takes the money pouch on Arthur's belt. Arthur: My gold! Merlin: Probably safer with me. Arthur: Of course. Merlin smiles a bit, then gives simpleton Arthur a strange look. [SCENE_BREAK] Council Chamber Morgana holds out a small black snake. Morgana: Do you know what this is? No? It's a Nathair from the Mountains of Asgorath. Harmless enough most of the time, but with a little persuasion, it can cause a man pain beyond all imagining. So you have a choice. Tell me where Arthur is... Elyan smirks. Morgana: Or sample the delights of my little friend here. Elyan: I'll tell you nothing. Morgana: I was hoping you'd say that. Morgana holds up the snake. Morgana: *Unmicel snacca, suge tha nothan...swilcnesse!* Morgana grabs Elyan. Helios and Agravaine watch as Morgana applies the snake and Elyan screams in agony. Later, Helios eats some chicken while he and Agravaine wait outside the torture chamber, listening to Elyan's screams. Agravaine is clearly disturbed. Agravaine: Good God, will it never end? Helios: What's wrong? Don't have the stomach for it? Helios smirks at Agravaine. Morgana exits the torture chamber. Morgana: Arthur travels to Ealdor. You will leave without delay. And Agravaine, fail me again and you'll be taking Elyan's place. Agravaine shoots Helios a look. Helios smirks and walks off at Morgana's side. [SCENE_BREAK] Dungeons Elyan is dragged to the same cell as Gaius and Gwaine. Gwaine catches Elyan as the Southrons drop him and lock the door. Gwaine: What have they done to him? Gaius: This is the work of the Nathair serpent. He's been tortured to the limit of human endurance. Gwaine: Can you help him? Gaius: I'll do what I can. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chambers Morgana reads Arthur's documents. Agravaine enters. Morgana: I thought I told you to leave at once. Agravaine: My men are all ready to depart. Morgana: Then what are you waiting for? Agravaine: I... Morgana looks at him with a confused scowl. Agravaine:I just wanted to say goodbye. Morgana: Consider it done. Agravaine: And to ask you to take care. Morgana:Why? I have nothing to fear. Agravaine: Despite all that you have achieved, Morgana, you must remain cautious. There's danger at every turn. You can trust no-one. Not even Helios. Morgana smiles and leans back. Morgana: No-one except you, is that it? Agravaine: I am your one true ally, my lady. I am your one true friend. I will do anything for you, you know that. Morgana: I am grateful for your loyalty, Agravaine. That is why I've entrusted this mission to you. Agravaine: I understand. Of course I do. I only wish it did not take me from your side where I can best protect you. Morgana:Find Arthur and you need never leave my side again. Agravaine bows. Agravaine: My lady. Agravaine exits and Morgana sits back and considers their conversation. Agravaine leads the Southrons out of Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] Woods Merlin senses something. Merlin: Stop. Merlin listens, then turns to Arthur and speaks slowly. Merlin: Wait...here. Arthur nods and Merlin heads off. Arthur heads off in the other direction. Merlin catches sight of set of travellers breaking camp. Someone puts a sword at his back. It's a blonde woman. Isolde: Hello! She smiles. Isolde brings Merlin and Arthur to Tristan, who's sharpening a knife. Isolde: I found them lurking in the woods. Tristan: See anything interesting? Merlin: No. Merlin and Arthur duck as Tristan throws the knife into the tree behind Merlin's head. Tristan: You want to watch where you stick your beak, boy. Merlin: I didn't see anything, I promise. We were just passing through. Isolde: They've no horses, no supplies, nothing. Tristan: Like to travel light, do you? Merlin: Something like that. Tristan: So where're you headed? Merlin: North over the border. Tristan: Lot's kingdom? He doesn't take kindly to strangers, I can tell you. Likes to decorate his fortress with their heads. Merlin: So why are you heading there? Tristan: I have my reasons. Merlin: Right. Arthur: I agree with him. Tristan: What's wrong with your friend? Merlin: He's a simpleton, he can't help it. Tristan: Look after him, do you? Merlin: Without me, he wouldn't last a day. Arthur nods. Tristan narrows his eyes at them suspiciously, then looks back at his wagon. Tristan: Very well, I suppose you can be on your way. Tristan retrieves his knife from the tree. Merlin: Could we not come with you? I mean, I would be grateful for the company, to be honest. Arthur steps forward. Arthur: I'm very annoying. Tristan (scoffs): I'm sorry. Merlin: Please? Tristan: Don't push it, boy. You're lucky I let you go with your lives. Merlin: I could pay you. That catches their attention. Merlin: With gold. Tristan: Well, why didn't you say so before? Arthur smiles like an idiot. Merlin looks at him and Arthur goes serious. [SCENE_BREAK] Near the hut in the woods Agravaine finds Arthur's discarded clothes. Agravaine: What kind of coward would deny who he is? Men, this way! They can't have got far! [SCENE_BREAK] Woods Merlin and Arthur travel with Tristan and Isolde. Tristan: We make camp here! Isolde smiles as Tristan helps her down from the wagon and he holds her in his arms. Isolde: Why, thank you. Tristan: My pleasure. Arthur sticks a leg out of the wagon and Merlin shoves it back in. Later, Merlin helps them make camp. He opens a box and Isolde steps around the corner of the wagon. Isolde: That doesn't concern you. Merlin: I'm sorry. It's just, I recognise that smell. That is frankincense isn't it? Tristan: What if it is? Merlin: It must be worth a fortune. Tristan: It must be. Merlin: You're smugglers. Isolde: We prefer to think of it as free trade. Tristan chuckles. Merlin: It's forbidden. By edict of the King, if you're caught, you could be killed. Tristan: Caught? Tristan and Isolde? I don't think so. We're too quick and too smart for the halfwit king in Camelot. Tristan walks past Arthur who is hugging a tree, tapping it with his knuckles with an ear pressed against the trunk. Merlin: You don't say. Merlin goes to collect Arthur. [SCENE_BREAK] Woods (night) Merlin and Arthur sit by their own campfire. Merlin: More soup? Arthur: Yes, please. Merlin ladles some soup for Arthur. Arthur: Thank you. Arthur lifts the bowl to his lips. Merlin: A please and a thank you all the same time? That's amazing. Arthur: Is it? Merlin: Mm. Well, let's just say manners are not your strong point. Arthur: Really? Merlin nods. Arthur: In what way? Merlin: Rude. Thoughtless, insensitive. And that's when you're in a good mood. Arthur: I'm sorry to hear that. Merlin: I don't think you realise how hard I work for you. I know you're the King, but it would be nice if you could do one small think for yourself as a...gesture, a mark of respect. Arthur: Sorry to have been a disappointment, Merlin. I'll try harder in future. Merlin: Oh, I look forward to that. On the other hand, why wait? Merlin drops his soup bowl on top of the one Arthur is holding. Merlin: That pot will need rinsing out as well. Arthur: Of course. Merlin: And when you're done with that, the horses need a rub-down, too. Arthur: My pleasure. Merlin watches Arthur as he gets up and takes the stew pot. Merlin: Over there. Merlin points. Arthur walks over the bushes and falls over, crashing down with a clatter. Merlin smiles and lies down. Merlin: You all right? Arthur: Yeah. Arthur gets up and continues on while Merlin gets ready to sleep. [SCENE_BREAK] Woods Agravaine rides through the woods, the Southrons bearing torches behind him on foot. [SCENE_BREAK] Camp in the woods (morning) Arthur walks through the camp while everyone's asleep. He walks up to Merlin and kicks him to wake him. Arthur (low): You better have a damn good explanation for this, Merlin. Merlin stares at him. Arthur: Fine. I'll just carry on kicking you. Arthur kicks Merlin some more and Merlin scrambles to his feet. Merlin: Arthur. Merlin looks into Arthur's face. Merlin: You're back. Arthur: What do you mean, I'm back? You're talking gibberish. Merlin: Listen to me, please. Camelot is lost. You were injured in an attack, you passed out. I had to get you out of there. Arthur is stunned as he remembers. Arthur: Where are we now? Merlin: We're heading north to a safe haven, to Ealdor. Hopefully the knights will meet us there. Arthur looks around the camp. Arthur: Who are these people? Merlin: They're, er...smugglers. Arthur: Smugglers?! Merlin: Shhh! Arthur: All right, let's assume, for one moment, you know what you're doing. It doesn't explain why I look like a village idiot. Merlin: It's the perfect disguise. No-one would ever suspect you of being, you know...who you are. Arthur: I'm sorry, Merlin. I am not going around looking like this. Merlin: You have to. You got to keep in character. Arthur: Character? What character? Tristan: You. Merlin turns around. Tristan: We leave as soon as the horses are watered. Explain it to the simpleton, would you? Arthur looks at Merlin and Merlin smiles sheepishly. Merlin carries the sword as he and Arthur walk toward the wagon. Arthur takes the sword back and Tristan and Isolde look up. Tristan: Simpleton. Merlin: He's talking to you. Arthur: I don't answer to that name. Merlin: In character, remember? Tristan looks down at the sword. Tristan: Impressive piece... Arthur (pirate): Thankyee, sirrr. Tristan: May I? Arthur lets Tristan take the sword. He examines the blade. Tristan (scoffs): Magnificent. The only place you find workmanship of this quality is the royal forge of Camelot. Tristan puts the sword to Arthur's throat. Tristan: Tell me... how did you come by it? Merlin: I won it in a card game. Gave it to him as a present. Won't be parted from it. Makes him feel safe. Tristan narrows his eyes suspiciously. Arthur nods stupidly and Tristan hands the sword back to him. Tristan: I hope for your sake that's true. Arthur takes the sword like he doesn't know how to hold it. Tristan: I'd hate to think that I was riding with a knight of Camelot. Arthur hugs the sword to his chest. Arthur (pirate): Aye. Isolde giggles. Isolde: A Knight of Camelot? Look at him! Merlin chuckles. Arthur pretends not to know how to put the sword in his belt. Tristan: You're right. Their knights may be stupid, but they're not that stupid. Arthur puts on a big smiles and chuckles with the rest of them as Merlin tussles his hair. Merlin: Pack your things, simpleton! Arthur grabs Merlin's arm. Arthur (smiling): Call me that again and I'll run you through. Merlin: Don't worry, sire, I'm sure you won't have to keep it up for too much longer. Arthur: How long?! The man walking past them gets shot with an arrow. They turn and see Southrons charging the camp. Arthur grabs Merlin to duck out of the way. An arrow lands in the tree next to Arthur's head and they run to take cover behind the wagon with Tristan and Isolde. Arthur takes charge. Arthur: Head for those trees, we'll cover you. Tristan and Isolde exchange a confused look. Arthur: Do you want to live or not? Tristan steps forward to question Arthur, but Isolde grabs his arm and they run off. Arthur and Merlin fire crossbows at the Southrons through the wagon. Merlin tosses Arthur another bolt and reloads his own crossbow. Merlin: Now what? Arthur: Now it's our turn. Merlin: Who's going to cover us? Arthur: Don't be a simpleton, Merlin. They take aim and hit another two Southrons, but more keep coming. Arthur grabs the sword from the wagon and they run off. They take cover behind a fallen tree with Tristan and Isolde. Agravaine directs the Southrons by the wagon. Isolde: They haven't found the cargo. Tristan: They will. Besides, they weren't after the cargo. They were after you. Who the hell are you? Arthur: My name is Arthur Pendragon. Tristan: The King of Camelot! Arthur: At least I was... Tristan: I've lost everything I've worked for some good for nothing king! Arthur: That's quite something coming from a smuggler. Tristan: Well, I wouldn't have to be a smuggler if it wasn't for your damn taxes, would I?! Arthur: Those taxes help protect the people of this land. Tristan: My people are dead. You call that protection? Merlin: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but... Merlin directs their attention to the Southrons charging them from behind. Arthur and Tristan charge the Southrons and fight side by side. Isolde fights more Southrons. One elbows her in the head and slashes her sword arm, kicking her to the ground. The Southron poises for the final blow, but crumples as Arthur stabs him in the back. Tristan runs to Isolde and holds her. Arthur and Merlin watch empathetically. Tristan: Isolde... We had a deal. Partners for life, remember? Isolde: When have I not kept my promises? Tristan kisses her forehead. Arthur: We need to keep moving. There'll be more coming soon. Tristan: Then go. There's nothing stopping you. Arthur rolls his eyes. Merlin: Come with us to Ealdor. You'll be safe there. Tristan: I'm choosy about the company I keep. Isolde: He saved my life, Tristan. Thank you. Tristan: None of this would've happened if it wasn't for them. Arthur: She's injured. She needs shelter and rest. Tristan sighs, looks at Arthur, then back at Isolde. Isolde nods. Tristan: Very well. But know this, Arthur Pendragon, I do this for her. You and your kind bring nothing but misery to this land. [SCENE_BREAK] Camelot dungeons Morgana arrives outside Elyan, Gwaine, and Gaius's cell with a few Southrons. Gaius: Have you come to gloat, my lady? Morgana: Is that any way to treat an old friend? I'll forgive you. After all, you're not looking your best. Gwaine: Can't you see he's starving? We all are. Morgana: Of course you are. You killed so many of my men. I'll have the kitchen prepare you a feast. Gwaine steps forward, but Elyan grabs his arm and shakes his head. Gwaine steps up to the gate more slowly, chains dragging as he walks. Morgana raises an eyebrow. Gwaine: I think not of myself, but of Gaius. He can't survive long without food. Morgana smiles and steps close to the bars. Morgana: Gwaine, so handsome, so selfless. Of course you shall have some supper...as long as you're prepared to sing for it. Morgana smirks and steps away as the guards open the door and drag him out. [SCENE_BREAK] At the border in the woods Arthur: This marks the border between Camelot and Lot's kingdom. Merlin: Ealdor lies at the far side of the valley. Maybe half a day on foot. Arthur: We'll rest here for the night. There's no way Agravaine could've tracked us through those mountains. Merlin: I'll make a fire, we must keep Isolde warm. Tristan lets Isolde go as Merlin puts her arm around his neck and helps her to a campsite. Arthur holds out a water flask to Tristan. Arthur: Here, you should drink up. Tristan walks on. Tristan: I'll get my own. [SCENE_BREAK] Council Chamber Southrons shove Gwaine into the middle of a fight circle where Morgana stands. She smiles at their rowdy enjoyment. Morgana: Behold! A Knight of Camelot, famed as the greatest knights in Five Kingdoms. Morgana grabs Gwaine's face. Morgana: Let's see if that fame's deserved, shall we? Gwaine scoffs with a smile and glares at her as she walks to sit her throne. A Southron brings out a couple of weapons. [SCENE_BREAK] Woods campfire (night) Tristan and Isolde sleep in each other's arms, propped up against a tree trunk. Merlin and Arthur sit by the fire. Arthur: You knew... You knew Agravaine was betraying me. Merlin: I couldn't be sure. But, I did have my suspicions. Arthur: I feel like such a fool. I put such trust in him. All this time I was blind to his treachery as I was to Morgana's. Merlin: You were deceived, Arthur. It could happen to anyone. Arthur: Yet it keeps happening to me. I cared about these people. I don't understand. What have I done wrong? Why do they hate me? Merlin: No, they don't hate you. They just...crave your power for themselves. Arthur: Perhaps. Would they still want that power if I was the King my people deserve? Maybe Tristan's right... Merlin: Tristan was angry and... Merlin looks over at them sleeping. Merlin: ...afraid. He needed to blame someone, but it's not you that's to blame. Merlin looks at Tristan and shakes his head. Arthur: You seem very sure about all this. Merlin: All I know is that, for your many faults, you are honest and brave and truehearted, and one day you will be the greatest King this land has ever known. Arthur: Well...good to know I have the support of my servant at least. Merlin: I'm not alone. Believe me. [SCENE_BREAK] Council chamber Gwaine fights one of the Southrons. Gwaine disarms one of the man's weapons. Gwaine: That all you have? I was promised a decent fight. The Southron pulls out another weapon from his belt and disarms Gwaine. Gwaine: You're a very angry man, I can see that. Must be hard... being so ugly. Children crying, women screaming. Come on. Completely unarmed, Gwaine knocks the Southron to the ground. The Southron gets up with one weapon left. Gwaine climbs on his back and punches him in the stomach. The Southron rams Gwaine into a column, but Gwaine gets off, punches the Southron and kicks him against the column. Gwaine picks up the mace and knocks him out with it in the now silent council chamber. Morgana stands, clapping slowly. Morgana: Congratulations, Sir Knight. And admirable display. You've earned your reward. She indicates to someone and they toss a half-loaf of mouldy bread at his feet. Morgana: But you're going to half to do better if you want some more. The Southrons chuckle darkly and Helios motions for two more warriors to step forward. The chanting begins again as Gwaine prepares for their attack. [SCENE_BREAK] Ealdor (day) Tristan supports Isolde and the four travellers enter the village. Hunith catches sight of Merlin and runs to hug him, huge smiles on their faces. Merlin: Mother... Hunith: Welcome home, Merlin. [SCENE_BREAK] A house in Ealdor Merlin checks on Isolde sleeping on the bed while Tristan and Arthur eat. Merlin: I've cleaned her wound. No sign of infection. So as long as she gets plenty of rest, she'll be fine. Tristan: Thank you, Merlin, for everything you've done for her. Merlin nods and leaves. Arthur: I'm sorry I brought this...misfortune upon you. Tristan: Well, I may have lost my cargo... but I still have my beloved Isolde. Arthur: Then you're richer than you know. Tristan considers Arthur and then looks at Isolde. Arthur watches them sadly. [SCENE_BREAK] Woods (night) Agravaine and the Southrons sneak through the woods around Ealdor. Agravaine: Spread out. Ensure the village is surrounded. No one must escape. [SCENE_BREAK] Eealdor Merlin walks with his mother. Hunith: It's good to have you home, Merlin. Merlin: I'm so sorry it's been so long. Hunith: I understand how it is, your life in Camelot. I worry about you sometimes. The dangers you must face. Merlin: Mother, I don't want you to worry. Hunith: I can't help it. It's what mothers do. Merlin: Well, we are safe here. All of us. Merlin looks at something. Merlin: How's she been? Hunith: As well as can be expected, but, erm...a broken heart takes time to mend. They regard Gwen through a crack in the door as she stands there sadly. They continue walking. Gwen steps forward. [SCENE_BREAK] A house in Ealdor Gwen dressed Arthur's wounded ribs. He wakes and realises someone's there. He lifts his head when he recognises her. She waits sadly for his response. Arthur: Guinevere. Gwen smiles sadly. Gwen: Hello, Arthur. Arthur sits up on his elbows. Arthur: What are you doing here? Gwen shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head. Gwen: It's as good a place as any. Arthur stares at her. Gwen: I've missed you. Arthur: And I you. Gwen smiles bitter sweetly. Arthur sits up and Gwen waits until he holds out arm to hug her. She leans forward and they embrace each other tightly. [SCENE_BREAK] Ealdor Merlin and Hunith hear screams as they sit talking. Merlin stands and sees the Southrons' torches surrounding the village. Merlin: Agravaine... He's found us. [SCENE_BREAK] A house in Ealdor Merlin, Arthur, Tristan, Isolde, and Guinevere watch as Agravaine and the Southrons harass the villagers. Tristan: Any suggestions? Merlin: Round the back. Merlin waits for them to leave, then his eyes glow and he sets a cart rolling toward Agravaine. Merlin: *B l on bryne!* Merlin's eyes glow and inside the cart goes up in flames. Agravaine and the Southrons dash out of the way just in time, but Agravaine looks up to see Arthur's party escaping. Agravaine: There! Get them! [SCENE_BREAK] Woods Southrons chase Arthur's party through the woods. Tristan supports Isolde as they go.

With Morgana at the head of a vast Southron army, a deadly net is closing in around Camelot. When the sorceress strikes, the ferocity of her attack forces everyone to run for their lives - even Arthur. But Morgana won't let him escape that easily. And so begins a chilling hunt. Can Merlin save the King from Morgana's clutches? Or has Arthur's luck finally run out?

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_03x07

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_03x07_0

5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. PLAIN OF TROY (It is the next morning. Where the TARDIS once stood, there are now only footprints in the sand.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The DOCTOR, AGAMEMNON, ODYSSEUS and CYCLOPS arrive at the spot. They all look round. Behind them STEVEN is held by several soldiers. CYCLOPS hands the Trojan plaque to ODYSSEUS who glances over it.) ODYSSEUS: Well, father Zeus, where is this temple of yours? DOCTOR: Well, it should be about here somewhere, hmm! It's rather hard to understand, these sandy plains are so much alike, hmm! (AGAMEMNON looks at the various tracks.) AGAMEMNON: Well, something has been here. ODYSSEUS: And someone, too. (He points.) ODYSSEUS: For see, some several tracks lead up to Troy. Lord Agamemnon, admit your fault - these men are spies! AGAMEMNON: So it would begin to seem. Bring on the prisoner. (STEVEN is shoved forward by a pair of soldiers.) AGAMEMNON: Well, father Zeus, you have but one chance left to prove yourself. (He indicates STEVEN.) AGAMEMNON: Kill this Trojan spy. ODYSSEUS: Yes, fling a thunderbolt or some such, do. Do rise to the occasion! DOCTOR: This sacrifice can only be performed within the temple. ODYSSEUS: Which temple is in Troy, therefore would we release you? Just so. (The DOCTOR sighs.) ODYSSEUS: I for one have had enough! (The DOCTOR realises the game is up.) DOCTOR: Do not labour this point! I am not Zeus, and this young man is a friend of mine. Neither of us are Trojans, sir. AGAMEMNON: I care not who you are. Seize him! (The soldiers do so and start to bind their hands.) AGAMEMNON: It is enough that you have trifled with my credulity and made me look a fool in front of all my captains. (To the soldiers.) Now, finish the business and be brief! And do not bring their bodies back. Let them rot here, so that they can be an example to their fellows. (The General storms off, leaving the DOCTOR and STEVEN in the hands of ODYSSEUS and the soldiers. STEVEN speaks quietly to the DOCTOR.) STEVEN: Are you quite sure Vicki couldn't have dematerialised the TARDIS? DOCTOR: Of course she couldn't - I told you last night! (They break off as ODYSSEUS approaches them.) ODYSSEUS: First of all, mannikins - who are you? DOCTOR: I think you, er, had better tell him. STEVEN: Yes, well this may take some time! ODYSSEUS: I will be patient. But this time, if you value your lives, do not lie to me! (He laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. TROY. MAIN SQUARE (A crowd has gathered in the busy main square of the city. The palace stands on one side of the square, while a flight of steps on the other side leads up to the imposing temple building. A number of Trojan soldiers are finishing depositing the TARDIS, fresh from its journey from the plain, in the middle of the square. The leader of the group steps forward and addresses a band of soldiers - he is PARIS, second son of King PRIAM of Troy, a slightly effeminate young man.) PARIS: Sound the trumpets! (A group of trumpeters bellow out a chorus.) PARIS: Dismiss! (The soldiers leave. The ear-splitting noise stops. An old man comes hurrying out of the palace - King PRIAM; he clearly does not appreciate such loud noises at this early hour holding his hands over his ears...) PRIAM: Silence! Great Horse of Asia, is none of us to rest? Who's there? (PARIS steps forward from the throng and speaks confidently.) PARIS: Paris, father, returned from patrol. PRIAM: Well, what news? Have you avenged your brother Hector? Have you...have you killed Achilles? PARIS: I...sought Achilles, father, even to the Grecian lines, but he skulked within his tent. (Chuckles.) He feared to face me. PRIAM: Well go back and wait until he gets his courage up! Upon my soul, what sort of brother are you? Furthermore, what sort of son? What... (The king's diatribe is cut off as he catches sight of the TARDIS sitting in the square.) PRIAM: What is that you have got there? PARIS: (Proudly.) Ah. A prize, father, captured from the Greeks. (PRIAM approaches the TARDIS.) PRIAM: Hmm, captured, you say? I wager they were glad to see the back of it! What is it? PARIS: What is it? Well, it's er, it's, sort of, erm...a shrine, or so it seems. (PRIAM tries to open the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (His face looms large on the scanner. Watching, VICKI reacts with fear and nervousness.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. TROY. MAIN SQUARE (PRIAM finishes his examination of the TARDIS and turns to PARIS.) PRIAM: And what, may I ask, do you propose to do with this seeming shrine? PARIS: Well I had rather thought of, er, putting it in the temple. (A regal-looking young woman has been listening to the conversation from the temple steps; she now decides to join in. She yells with a shrill, but poisonous, voice.) CASSANDRA: Ha! You're not putting that in my temple! (She moves to join PRIAM and PARIS.) PRIAM: I should think not indeed, bringing back blessed shrines. Go back and bring Achilles' body, if you want to do something useful! Get back to the war! CASSANDRA: And take that thing with you. (She points at the TARDIS. PARIS is indignant.) PARIS: Oh, really! If you...if you knew the weight of this, this, this... thing... (He speaks quietly to PRIAM as the woman - CASSANDRA - comes down the temple steps to join them.) PARIS: Father, if Cassandra doesn't want it, can't we just leave it where it is for the moment? PRIAM: In the middle of the square? PARIS: Yes - I mean, it could be a sort of, er, a sort of a monument. CASSANDRA: A monument to what? PARIS: (Proudly.) Well, to my initiative, for instance. After all, it is the first sizeable trophy we've captured since the war started. Probably turn out to be very useful. CASSANDRA: What sort of use would you suggest? PARIS: (Scoffs.) What sort of use! Well... (He thinks.) PARIS: Don't quite know, actually. But I mean, once we've examined it thoroughly, it'll probably prove to have all sorts of uses. CASSANDRA: I'm quite sure - uses to the Greeks! PARIS: What do you mean? CASSANDRA: Why do you imagine that they allowed you to capture it? PARIS: (Scoffs.) Allowed me? Allowed me? Now you look here, Cassandra... CASSANDRA: Where did you find it? PARIS: Where'd I find it? Where d'you think - out there in the middle of the plain! CASSANDRA: Unguarded, I suppose? PARIS: Yes, of course! I...I mean, yes, it was...well... CASSANDRA: Just as I thought. Can't you see that you were meant to bring it into Troy? PARIS: No, I can't see, quite frankly! PRIAM: I think I'm beginning to see. PARIS: What are you two getting at? CASSANDRA: You've broken my dreams. The auguries were bad this morning; I woke full of foreboding. PARIS: (Mutters, to PRIAM.) Never knew her when she didn't! PRIAM: Paris, your sister is High Priestess. Let her speak. PARIS: All right, Cassandra, now what was this dream about? CASSANDRA: (With dignity.) Thank you. I dreamed that out on the plain the Greeks had left a gift, and although what it was remained unclear, we brought it into Troy. Then at night, from out its belly, soldiers came and fell upon us as we slept. (PARIS looks distinctly unimpressed.) PARIS: Yes, well I hardly think we need trouble to interpret that one! Oh really, Cassan... (Laughs.) H...h...have you looked at this "thing", as you call it? I mean, just how many soldiers do you think you can get inside that? A whole regiment, perhaps? I mean, you'd be very lucky to get even two medium-sized soldiers out of that thing. CASSANDRA: Fool! One soldier could unbar the gate and so admit an army! It's exactly the sort of scheme Odysseus would think of. PRIAM: Why don't we open the thing and see? PARIS: Yes, well that is rather the point. You see, there... is a door, but, erm, it doesn't seem to open. CASSANDRA: Just as I said - it's locked from the inside. PRIAM: Oh, it is, is it? Stand aside. (King PRIAM grabs PARIS' sword and strides up to the TARDIS. He tries hacking open the door but his blows make absolutely no impact on the TARDIS.) PARIS: (Sighs.) Well, there you are, father. Perhaps you'll believe me next time, I suppose. (He turns jovially to his sister.) PARIS: Oh, Cassandra, perhaps you'd like to care to have a try? CASSANDRA: The thing need not be opened. Bring branches, fire and sacrificial oil. We'll make of it an offering to the gods of Troy! (She smiles.) And if there be some within, so much the greater gift! [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. TARDIS. LIVING QUARTERS (VICKI, who has been watching and listening to the conversation on the scanner, is desperately searching through the TARDIS wardrobe for something suitable to wear for the age. She sighs with impatience as the clothes she comes across are obviously wrong.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. PLAIN OF TROY (STEVEN and the DOCTOR are standing under guard, their hands still securely tied behind their backs. The soldiers look on as they tell their story to a disbelieving ODYSSEUS.) STEVEN: So really, you see, we arrived in your time entirely by accident. It's just another miscalculation by the Doctor. DOCTOR: Well, I would hardly call it a miscalculation, my boy. STEVEN: Well then, what would you call it? DOCTOR: Well, I think with all eternity to choose from, I did rather well to get us back to Earth! (Chuckles.) STEVEN: Oh, I'm very glad you're pleased with yourself. I suppose I should be grateful for standing here...trussed like a chicken, ready to have me throat cut! ODYSSEUS: No-one mentioned cutting throats. DOCTOR: No, they didn't. (He laughs gently.) ODYSSEUS: (Laughs.) I had...I had something more lingering in mind. (The DOCTOR'S smile disappears.) DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I dare say. I suppose some kind of, er, ritual death, I presume? ODYSSEUS: Sit down. (He pauses expectantly; STEVEN and the DOCTOR stay standing. ODYSSEUS bellows...) ODYSSEUS: Sit down! (They do, rather quickly, on a rock.) ODYSSEUS: (Angrily.) In my life I have travelled far, and met many deplorable people. (He bends menacingly over a nervous DOCTOR.) ODYSSEUS: But not one of them has had the credulity...strained as I have strained today by your...effrontery, Doctor! Your story is probably true, otherwise you would never have dared to tell it. Stand up! (He laughs as they do so without hesitating.) ODYSSEUS: I propose to release you. (STEVEN turns to the DOCTOR.) STEVEN: We might have expect... (He realises what he's just heard.) STEVEN: (Smiles.) That's very nice of you! DOCTOR: Yes, indeed. ODYSSEUS: No, no it isn't. Released, but upon certain conditions. DOCTOR: And what are those conditions, may I ask, hmm? ODYSSEUS: That you use your supernatural knowledge to devise a scheme whereby we capture Troy. I will give you two days. Two days to think of something really ingenious. DOCTOR: Two days! That isn't very long, is it, hmm? ODYSSEUS: It should be ample if you are as clever as you say you are. STEVEN: What happens if we fail? ODYSSEUS: If...I fail, then I shall have been foolish. And I would hate to seem foolish having believed your story. Indeed I should be very, very angry! (His voice rising, ODYSSEUS whirls his sword, as if preparing to sever STEVEN'S neck from his shoulders, then brings it down in a savage arc, neatly cutting the travellers' bonds.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. MAIN SQUARE OF TROY (The TARDIS is now surrounded by a pile of branches. A priestess pours oil over them and guards stand by with burning torches. PRIAM, PARIS and CASSANDRA look on.) PRIAM: That should make quite a blaze. PARIS: Yes - just one moment. Erm, before we actually light the fire, shouldn't we see if such a gift would be acceptable to the gods? I mean, if it does contain treachery, might it not mean the most awful incident? PRIAM: Oh, point I suppose. Have a word with them, Cassandra. CASSANDRA: I assure you it's quite unnecessary. PARIS: (Whispers.) Yes, but it's better to be on the safe side, don't you think? (CASSANDRA raises her head and hands to the heavens and speaks dramatically.) CASSANDRA: Oh hear me, horses of the heavens, who gallop with our destiny! If you would accept this gift, let us see a sign! Show us your will, I pray you, for we are merely mortal and need your guidance! (To cries and gasps of general astonishment, the doors of the TARDIS open, and VICKI chooses the perfect moment to make an appearance. She is dressed in an elegant ancient-style gown, and smiles disarmingly as she emerges from the TARDIS.) PARIS: Well! This is no horse of heaven. PRIAM: And this is no soldier either. CASSANDRA: Who are you? VICKI: I'm nobody of any importance. I'm just someone from...the future. PARIS: The future? CASSANDRA: How do you so? You're no Trojan goddess. Are you some puny pagan goddess of the Greeks? VICKI: Of course not, I'm as human as you are! CASSANDRA: Then how comes it that you claim to know the future? PARIS: Oh really, Cassandra, you're always going on and on about it yourself! CASSANDRA: I'm a priestess, skilled in augury. PARIS: Yes, I know, all those dreary flights of birds and entrails and all that kind of thing - well I mean, perhaps she's read the same ones! I shouldn't imagine you have a monopoly. (CASSANDRA tries to ignore him, and turns back to VICKI.) CASSANDRA: Are you a priestess? VICKI: (Nervously.) Not that I know of. I mean, I never took any exams or anything. CASSANDRA: (Hisses fiercely.) Then how dare you practice prophecy! VICKI: Well, I haven't done yet, have I? (CASSANDRA had forgotten this minor detail, and takes a moment to think of some other objection to bring up.) CASSANDRA: She's some drab of Agamemnon's, sent to spread dissention. VICKI: (Shouts indignantly.) I'm nothing of the sort! PARIS: Of course you're not. I can tell. VICKI: I've never even met Agamemnon. PRIAM: I wish to question her. Come here, child. (VICKI hesitantly walks over to the old king, who puts a fatherly hand on her shoulder.) PRIAM: That's better. Now - are you a Greek? VICKI: No, I...I am from the future. So you see, I don't have to prophesy, because as far as I'm concerned, the future...has already happened! PRIAM: I don't quite follow. CASSANDRA: Of course you don't - she's trying to confuse you! Kill the girl before she addles all our wits. She's a sorceress, she must die. PARIS: Oh, don't be absurd! You're not to touch her. PRIAM: I wish you'd both keep quiet just for a moment. (He turns to reassure VICKI.) PRIAM: Now don't be frightened, child - you shall die when I say so, and not a moment before. VICKI: That's very comforting! (He turns to his two children.) PRIAM: Now, you see? Neither of you has the least idea how to handle children. All you need is a little kindness and understanding. (To VICKI.) Now first of all, what is your name? VICKI: Vicki. PRIAM: Vicki? That's a very outlandish name. CASSANDRA: It's a heathen sort of name, if you ask me. PRIAM: Nobody did ask you, Cassandra. (To VICKI.) Well, I really don't think we can call you Vicki. We shall have to think another one for you, shan't we? Let me see, how about, er, er...Cressida! Would you think that would be all right? VICKI: It's a...very pretty name. PRIAM: Very well, then, Cressida it shall be. Now you claim, Cressida, to come from the future? VICKI: Yes! PRIAM: So you know everything that's going to happen. VICKI: Well, I... PRIAM: Look, Cressida. Come into the palace. I expect you could do with something to eat. VICKI: Oh thank you, that would be very nice! PARIS: (Warmly.) Ah, that's a very good idea, I've not eaten since the... PRIAM: You get back to the war! If you've not killed Achilles by nightfall, I shall be seriously displeased. PARIS: But look, father, why couldn't Troilus go? I mean, it's much more his sort of thing. PRIAM: Hector is... Don't argue, Paris! Get back to the war! PARIS: (Sulkily.) Right. (He turns awkwardly to VICKI.) PARIS: Well, er, bye, Cressida. We shall, er... meet again this evening... all being well. VICKI: Goodbye, Paris. Thank you very much for trying to help me. (PARIS suddenly regains his confidence.) PARIS: Oh, not at all, it was a great... (He sees a warning glance from PRIAM.) PARIS: ...pleasure. (PARIS troops off.) PRIAM: Come, Cressida. You and I have a great deal to say to each other. I have a feeling you are going to bring us luck. CASSANDRA: She will bring nothing but doom, death and disaster! PRIAM: Don't pay any attention to Cassandra, she takes the gloomiest view. I suspect it's a kind of insurance, so that if things do go wrong she can always say "I told you so." Come along. (He leads VICKI towards the palace. As they go, CASSANDRA mutters under her breath.) CASSANDRA: Hear me, gods of Troy. Strike with your lightning this usurper. Or show me a sign that she is false, and then I'll strike her down myself! [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. GREEK CAMP. TENT (The DOCTOR and STEVEN have been taken back to the Greek camp and, inside a tent, they sit around a table, discussing plans for the capture of the city.) STEVEN: Why not the wooden horse? DOCTOR: Oh! My dear boy, I couldn't possibly suggest that. The whole story is obviously absurd. Probably invented by Homer as some good dramatic device. No, I think it'd be completely impractical. STEVEN: Yes, well if you say so, Doctor, but in that case hurry up and think of something else. The only way we can rescue Vicki is to get into Troy. We've only got two days left! DOCTOR: Oh, patience, my... (He is interrupted as ODYSSEUS strides in.) ODYSSEUS: Rather less now. Haven't you thought of anything yet? DOCTOR: Yes, well I have thought up of some conditions of my own. ODYSSEUS: Oh, really - I don't see how you're going to enforce them, but what are they? DOCTOR: Well, it's all very simple, er, that is, if you want me to help you sack the city, you must, er, promise me that Vicki will be spared. ODYSSEUS: Vicki? Who's she? STEVEN: Oh, you know, I told you about her. Look, if they have taken the time machine into Troy, then she'll still be inside it. ODYSSEUS: I hope she is, for sh...her sake! Because if she left it, she's past worrying about now. DOCTOR: Well, we're not quite sure of that, are we? ODYSSEUS: Perhaps not, but I don't know what you expect me to do about it. When we enter Troy, I can't stop every woman and ask her if she's a friend of yours! It wouldn't be practical. (A MESSENGER bursts into the tent.) MESSENGER: Lord Odysseus? ODYSSEUS: (Annoyed.) Yes, what is it? MESSENGER: Prince Paris has called again for my Lord Achilles. ODYSSEUS: Well? MESSENGER: Our Lord Agamemnon asked that you go in his stead. ODYSSEUS: To fight that fool? MESSENGER: Yes. ODYSSEUS: That puny princeling cannot fight - a waste of time! Go tell our Lord Agamemnon...if he wants someone to fight Achilles' battles, to go himself. Now get out! (The terrified MESSENGER leaves, rapidly.) STEVEN: Is Paris such a bad fighter? ODYSSEUS: (Laughs.) The weakling cannot stomach killing! (STEVEN has an idea...) STEVEN: Let me go to Troy. Now - before you attack. ODYSSEUS: What's that? STEVEN: To get Vicki. After all, I'm no use here. I'm sure the Doctor can manage very well without me. DOCTOR: My dear boy, are you quite sure? Mmm? STEVEN: Look, it's perfectly simple. I allow Paris to take me prisoner! ODYSSEUS: (Laughs.) You really are most anxious to die. They will take you for a spy, as we did. STEVEN: Not if I were wearing a uniform. I'd be a prisoner of war. ODYSSEUS: Oh, I don't know what they're doing with their prisoners of war at the moment. It rather depends on how they're feeling at the time, I imagine. They're a very unpredictable lot, these Trojans! STEVEN: Well I'm prepared to take the risk if you're prepared to let me go. ODYSSEUS: (Impressed.) Really, that's very courageous of you. STEVEN: Then you'll help me? ODYSSEUS: I don't see why not, because as you said, you're of little particular use here. STEVEN: What about a uniform? ODYSSEUS: Ah, let me see...Ah! Last week, my friend Diomede died from his wounds in this camp. Now, you're about his size. You'll find his things in the next tent. STEVEN: Thank you, Odysseus. ODYSSEUS: Ah, you really are a very brave man indeed. I should have been most distressed to have had to put you to death myself! STEVEN: A very consoling thought. (ODYSSEUS laughs.) STEVEN: I'll see you both before I go. (He leaves the tent.) ODYSSEUS: Now then, Doctor, to work! I hope you're not going to disappoint me. DOCTOR: I sincerely hope not. Have you, er, thought of tunnelling, hmm? ODYSSEUS: It's been done. What we want is something revolutionary. DOCTOR: Ah yes, dear me, dear me. Well tell me, er, have you thought about...flying machines, hmm? (He gives a short laugh.) ODYSSEUS: No, I can't say I have... [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. PLAIN OF TROY (PARIS parades on the plain outside the city, calling ACHILLES' name.) PARIS: Achilles! (He shushes himself and "shouts" more quietly, as if afraid he may actually be heard.) PARIS: Achilles! Come out and fight, you jackal! Paris, prince of Troy, brother of Hector, seeks revenge. Do you not dare to face me? (He is taken aback as STEVEN, dressed in full Greek armour, appears behind him.) STEVEN: I dare to face you, Paris! Turn and draw your sword! (PARIS looks at STEVEN, then laughs in relief.) PARIS: Ah...ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! No, you're not Achilles...are you? STEVEN: I am Diomede, friend of Odysseus. PARIS: (Reasonably.) Oh, Diomede - I do not want your blood! Oh ho, it's Achilles I seek. STEVEN: And must my Lord Achilles be roused to undertake your death, adulterer? (PARIS won't be drawn by this insult.) PARIS: Yes. Well, I'm prepared to overlook that for the moment. I assure you I have no quarrel with you. STEVEN: I'm Greek - you're Trojan. Is not that quarrel enough? (PARIS whispers conspiratorially.) PARIS: Yes, well personally, I think this whole business has been carried just a little bit too far. I mean, that...Helen thing was just a misunderstanding. STEVEN: Which I now propose to resolve. Draw your sword. (Reluctantly, PARIS does so, slowly.) PARIS: Right - well, you'll be sorry for this, I promise you! (They clash swords. Despite PARIS'S reticence, he is not unskilled with the sword, and the untrained STEVEN is no match for his heavy blows. STEVEN holds the Trojan off for a little while, trading blow for blow, then pretends to stumble under a particularly heavy swipe. He drops to the ground on one knee, and PARIS raises his sword to deal the death blow.) PARIS: Now die, Greek - and tell them in Hades that Paris sent you thither! STEVEN: I yield! (PARIS stops and blinks.) PARIS: I beg your pardon? STEVEN: I yield. I...I'm your prisoner. PARIS: Well I say, this sort of thing is just not done! I mean, surely you'd rather die than be taken prisoner? STEVEN: Well yes, but...but only in a general sort of way, you see. You see, when I first challenged you, little did I know that you were indeed the Lion of Troy! (PARIS is momentarily speechless at this.) PARIS: Yes, I... STEVEN: I should have listened to my friends. PARIS: Why, what do they say? STEVEN: Why, that they would rather face Prince Hector and Troilus together than the mighty Paris! That you are unconquerable! PARIS: Really? (Laughs.) They don't say that in Troy. STEVEN: Oh, I could tell them a tale or two of your valour that...that would make even King Priam blanch to hear. PARIS: I say! Could you really? STEVEN: Yes, and will! Why, I hope my Lord Achilles does not meet you. Even now he searches the plain for you, and what indeed would happen to our cause if he were vanquished? (PARIS takes the hint.) PARIS: Well, I don't really see how I can oblige him if I have a prisoner. I mean, there will come a day of reckoning, of course, but, ah...well, for the moment - Pick up your sword! (STEVEN does so.) PARIS: Now, I suppose I shall, er, have to drive you like a Grecian cur into the city, won't I? Er, excuse me a moment... (He turns and bellows in the direction of the Greek camp.) PARIS: Farewell, Achilles! For today, Paris of Troy has other business! (He turns back to STEVEN.) PARIS: Come, dog! (STEVEN points out PARIS'S sword, which is lying on the ground at his feet.) PARIS: Oh yes. (He picks it up and escorts STEVEN back to Troy. After they have gone, CYCLOPS comes out of hiding, having witnessed the incident...) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. KING PRIAM'S PALACE. DINING HALL (VICKI and PRIAM are finishing dinner in the sumptuous palace dining hall. She drinks out of a goblet and puts it down with a sigh of pleasure.) VICKI: Oh thank you, that was delicious. PRIAM: You're sure you wouldn't like a little more breast of peacock? VICKI: Oh no, thank you, I couldn't eat another mouthful! How on earth do you manage to live like this when you're under siege? PRIAM: My nephew Aeneas brings us a little something from time to time. He's in command of our mobile force. Spends most of his time harrying the Greek supply routes with his cavalry. VICKI: I didn't know cavalry was invented yet? PRIAM: (Laughs.) Oh, bless my soul, yes. We are basically horsemen. Our ancestors came from central Asia, found this strategic position and chose to fortify it. We only need now to beat the Greeks a few score more horses. VICKI: You seem very fond of horses. PRIAM: Fond of them - I should think we are. We worship them. A Trojan would do anything for a horse. (VICKI pauses, then speaks in a quiet, serious voice.) VICKI: Funny you should say that. PRIAM: Funny, why? What do you mean? VICKI: Well... it's nothing, it's just a story I heard a long time ago. PRIAM: A story about this war? VICKI: Well yes...but it's nothing. I'm sure it's just a...a legend? PRIAM: What sort of a legend? Cressida - I'm relying on you to tell us everything you remember. The smallest thing may be of importance. VICKI: Yes... (VICKI quickly changes the subject.) VICKI: Prince Troilus, who was here just now, is he your youngest son? PRIAM: Ah, ah, er, Troilus, er...oh, oh, yes, he's about the same age as you, I suppose. But why do you ask? I though we were supposed to be talking about... (VICKI interrupts again, ensuring that the subject remains unchanged.) VICKI: He's, er...very good-looking, isn't he? PRIAM: Is he? Oh, I...I never noticed myself. I don't particularly notice good looks. Ha, only gets you into trouble. Look at Paris - handsome as the devil, but a complete coward. VICKI: I thought he was rather nice! PRIAM: Yes, women generally do - that's what got us all into this trouble. Though of course, you've not met Helen yet, have you? VICKI: No, I - I'm looking forward to that. PRIAM: Yes, well, she's - oh well, never mind. If only he'd met a nice, sensible girl like you - I always say it's character that counts, not good looks. (VICKI is somewhat put out.) VICKI: Thank you! Kindly! PRIAM: Oh no, I didn't mean - good heavens, no! I wish you wouldn't keep changing the subject, Cressida! Funny you should say that about Tro...Troilus. I thought he was rather taken with you. (VICKI is slightly abashed.) VICKI: Did you really think so? PRIAM: Well of course I did...I thought we were supposed to be talking about the war. Now don't keep changing the subject! You were saying something about a legend? VICKI: Was I? Yes...well you see... (Just at this moment, PARIS comes barging in, strutting like a peacock.) PARIS: Father, I've captured a Greek! (Like ACHILLES before him, PARIS is to be disappointed by the reaction.) PRIAM: Paris, when will you learn to stop bursting in here when I'm busy? (PARIS is taken aback.) PARIS: Oh, well, I...I just thought you might like to question him, that's all. (CASSANDRA enters the hall but shows little interest in the conversation.) PRIAM: Well, I may do so in due course, but... PARIS: (Interrupts eagerly.) Oh good. He's just outside... PRIAM: Oh, you've not brought him here, into the palace? PARIS: Oh, don't worry. He's thoroughly calm. PRIAM: That's not the point! PARIS: Yes, well now he is here, couldn't I just bring him in? PRIAM: (Giving in.) Oh, I suppose so. PARIS: Good! (He rushes to the door.) PRIAM: I'm sorry, Cressida, this is utterly unforgivable. (PARIS clears his throat and calls out through the door.) PARIS: Here, Diomede! (He steps back as STEVEN enters.) PARIS: Come on, step lively now! (VICKI realises who the captive is, and squeals in surprise.) VICKI: Steven! What on earth are you... (STEVEN hisses to her.) STEVEN: Shh, Vicki! (VICKI shuts up, but the damage has been done.) PRIAM: What was that he called her? (CASSANDRA seizes on the slip-up and strides up to them.) CASSANDRA: You heard, didn't you? That was the name she called herself when we found her. And she recognised him too. Since he's a Greek, what more proof do you need that she's a spy? Guards! (Several guards enter. CASSANDRA points imperiously to VICKI and STEVEN.) CASSANDRA: Kill her! Kill both of them! (VICKI runs to STEVEN'S arms as the guards close in on them, swords drawn.)

Missing episode When the TARDIS arrives on the plains of Asia Minor not far from the besieged city of Troy, the Doctor is hailed by Achilles as the mighty godZeus and taken to the Greek camp. He meets Agamemnon and Odysseus. Forced to admit he is a mere mortal - albeit a traveller in space and time - he is given two days to devise a scheme to capture Troy. Steven and Vicki, meanwhile, have been taken prisoner by the Trojans. Vicki, believed to possess supernatural powers, is given two days to banish the Greeks to prove she is not a spy.

fd_NCIS_04x01

fd_NCIS_04x01_0

MUSIC IN: EXT. STREET - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA DRIVES THROUGH DOWNTOWN TRAFFIC) (SFX: HORNS HONKING) (SFX: MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS NEAR ZIVA) (INTERCUT SCENE FROM PARIS, FRANCE) (VOICE: "Ziva! Ziva! Ziva!") (SFX: CARS CRASH) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA CHASES THE MOTORCYCLE) (SFX: BOMB EXPLODES IN OUTDOOR CAF ) (SFX: MOTORCYCLE RIDES O.S.) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA LOOKS UP AND DOWN THE SIDEWALK) (SFX: MUFFLED VOICES B.G.) ZIVA: (SHOUTS) Federal agents! Halt! Hands up in the air! Now! (BEAT) Eschel? (SFX: POLICE SIRENS B.G.) (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY (SFX: COMPUTER GAME B.G.) ABBY: Is he here yet? Is he here yet? MCGEE: Abby, do you think I'd be playing this game if he was? ABBY: Ah... MCGEE: I will call you as soon as he gets here, okay? I promise. ABBY: But what if his flight was delayed? Or worse? What if he missed his connecting flight? MCGEE: Well, then he will be here tomorrow. ABBY: Not good enough, McGee! A team needs a leader. He's our glue. He's our spine. Without him we're like.... Phylum cnidaria. MCGEE: Jelly fish. ABBY: Exactly! MCGEE: Are you saying I'm spineless? ABBY: Of course not, Timmy. I'm going to check his flight. MCGEE: Abby, you're getting powder all over my keyboard. ABBY: What's your point? MCGEE: My point is, Abby, you are really, really overdoing the sugar thing again. ABBY: Well, I'm eating for two. (BEAT) Relax. I was referring to the health food freak over there. Every time I go past her desk, I have this irresistible urge to shove a cheeseburger down her throat. MCGEE: I think she's kind of hot. ABBY: Oh, you think she's hot? MCGEE: Yeah, you know, for a probie. LEE: You two do realize I can hear you, right? ABBY: We do now, very Special Agent Lee. His flight landed on time! Where is he? (ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE) ABBY: (GASPS) Oh, yay! You're home! Welcome back! I missed you! Oh.... TONY: I missed you, too, Abby. ABBY: Oh, did you have fun? Did you go to that cool bar in Dusseldorf? TONY: You know, I tried. But, you know, that security conference kept us pretty busy. ABBY: Mmm.... TONY: I'm having trouble breathing here. ABBY: I'm sorry! TONY: McGee! Look at you! Mm-hmm! All grown up. So what did I miss the last two weeks? MCGEE: Well, nothing I couldn't handle, Boss. TONY: Good! And to think the Director didn't have any faith in you! MCGEE: What do you mean the Director? TONY: Gather 'round, people. I come bearing gifts. (TO ABBY) For the lovely lady. ABBY: Ah, Tony. It's beautiful. TONY: Not to mention incredibly expensive. Euro is stronger than it used to be. For my Senior Field Agent.... oh... MCGEE: Oh... The Very Best of David Hasselhoff. TONY: You don't like it? MCGEE: I repeat. The Very Best of David Hasselhoff. (F/X: TONY HITS MCGEE) MCGEE: What was that for? TONY: You listen to Yanni. And you have an unauthorized game on your computer. MCGEE: Okay, it's your game, Tony. TONY: Yeah, and you shouldn't have beaten my high score. And for Ziva... das lederhosen! One size fits all. Where is the little Israeli? LEE: Late, Sir. Second time this week. TONY: Agent Lee, my favorite probie-slash-hall monitor. I'll bet you're wondering what the newest member of Team Dinozzo gets. Well, we saved the best for last here. This was not easy getting through customs, but... LEE: A stapler? TONY: It's a German stapler. LEE: But it says "Made in China", Sir. TONY: Oh, yeah. It's that German, Eurasian, China. It's a global village, Lee. Get used to it. LEE: She's over an hour late, Sir. That's unusual, even for her. TONY: What did I tell you about worrying, Probie? LEE: That it's your job. TONY: See? You're learning! LEE: But she's not answering her - I'm sorry, Sir. She's not answering her cell phone either. TONY: Okay, there is only one thing you need to know about Officer David. LEE: Don't make her angry. TONY: So technically, really, there's two things. The other is.... she can take care of herself. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ISRAELI EMBASSY - DAY ZIVA: (LOUDLY) I cannot wait any longer! Produce Officer Bashan or I start with your hands and I will not stop until....! BASHAN: (IN HEBREW) Officer David, what did I tell you about terrorizing my men? Leave us alone, please. (DOOR CLOSES) BASHAN: Come, Ziva. Sit. Okay, what seems to be the problem? ZIVA: Why was I not told about this operation? BASHAN: I suppose the simple answer would be... your father did not want you to know. ZIVA: And he wonders why I barely talk to him anymore, Michael. BASHAN: A fact I know he regrets... very much, Ziva. Very much. ZIVA: I spent a year building relationships and trust with NCIS. How do you suggest I explain this to them?! BASHAN: I realize this places you in an awkward position, but Ziva... ZIVA: (LOUDLY) They were sloppy - blatant! BASHAN: And you should have known better! The Americans can be quite prudish in their attitudes, Ziva. ZIVA: You call what happened prudish? BASHAN: That depends. Did you or did you not sleep with him? ZIVA: Who? BASHAN: Anthony Dinozzo, your new team leader. ZIVA: Why do you ask that? BASHAN: Starting three months ago, Ziva, he's been visiting your apartment at least one night a week. ZIVA: My father has you spying on me? BASHAN: I assumed that was the reason for your visit. ZIVA: Well, you assumed wrong, Officer Bashan. I am here because an hour ago a Mossad assassination team killed three people in Georgetown. BASHAN: We have no active operations scheduled in George-- ZIVA: Michael, don't lie to me. I was there. I tried to stop it. BASHAN: What exactly did you see? ZIVA: Officer Namir Eschel. BASHAN: (BEAT) No. Impossible. ZIVA: I spoke to him. I... I let him go. BASHAN: (IN HEBREW/INTO PHONE) Secure line to Tel Aviv. I need to speak to the director. Immediately. (IN ENGLISH) Tell him... tell him it concerns family. ZIVA: Do you realize how close I came to shooting Eschel today? (SFX: HANGS UP PHONE) BASHAN: Namir Eschel is dead, Ziva. Your father and I attended his funeral six months ago. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Ziva, just call us as soon as you get the message. We're not worried. Just give us a call please. (HANGS UP PHONE) TONY: Okay, now I'm starting to worry. MCGEE: You think she's all right? TONY: Well, if she was all right, she'd be here, McGee. MCGEE: The question is, what would Gibbs do in a situation like this? SHEPARD: He'd find her, Tony. TONY: I'm working on it, Director! SHEPARD: Work harder. Metro Police just found her car on a sidewalk in Georgetown. MCGEE: Actually, it's not that unusual when Ziva's driving. SHEPARD: Yeah, I drove all the way through Eastern Europe with her. I should know, McGee. But in my experience, the FBI doesn't usually concern themselves with traffic accidents. MCGEE: Tony, isn't that the guy who tried to put you away for a murder? TONY: Yes, it is. And thank you for bringing up a painful memory, McGee. (TO SHEPARD) You knew they were coming, Director? SHEPARD: Calm down, Tony. I only just got the call ten minutes ago. TONY: What do they want with Ziva? SHEPARD: We're about to find out. Together. (TO SACHS) Agent Sachs, Director Shepard. SACKS: Director Shepard. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ISRAELI EMBASSY - DAY BASHAN: We have confirmed your report. The man you saw killed was Abdul Wazir, the former Syrian Army Colonel. Wanted for crimes against the State of Israel. ZIVA: It seems I'm not the only one my father likes to keep in the dark. BASHAN: Oh, this was not a sanctioned action, Ziva. We had no hand in this. ZIVA: You mean officially. BASHAN: Officially or unofficially. We knew he was in American custody. Offers protection in turn for supplying information on Al Qaeda cells in Iraq. ZIVA: Protection from what? BASHAN: Us. ZIVA: The two men guarding him? BASHAN: F.B.I. agents. ZIVA: Oh dear God, Michael.... BASHAN: Obviously, Eschel faked his own death. He's operating without orders, making his own decisions. ZIVA: Of perhaps that is merely a cover my father designed for him. BASHAN: Do you really believe he would jeopardize our relations with the Americans like this? ZIVA: There are days I don't know what to believe anymore, Michael. BASHAN: You have not been dismissed yet, Officer David. ZIVA: I have to contact NCIS. BASHAN: Your orders are to remain here until we figure out a strategy to deal with this. ZIVA: Eschel murdered two Americans and a man in their custody. Our strategy is simple. Find him and kill him! BASHAN: There are complications. ZIVA: Which NCIS can help us with! BASHAN: You left your car at the crime scene this morning. ZIVA: It was disabled. I was trying to prevent the attack. BASHAN: The Americans do not see it this way. ZIVA: Director Shepard will. (BASHAN EXCLAIMS IN HEBREW) BASHAN: Ziva, the F.B.I. has already issued a warrant for your arrest. ZIVA: On what charges? BASHAN: Espionage and murder. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ISRAELI EMBASSY - DAY BASHAN: This is a political nightmare. I'm asking for your patience, Ziva. We need time to deal with this. ZIVA: You'd hold me against my will, Michael? BASHAN: I will do what's best for you. (DOOR OPENS) BASHAN: Your father, he will find the solution to this, Ziva. ZIVA: Like he did for my brother Ari? BASHAN: Escort her to guest quarters. (WHISPERS) Do not forget to confiscate her weapons. ZIVA: I'm sorry for this. BASHAN: As am I. (DOOR CLOSES) ZIVA: I was talking to you! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA ATTACKS THE SECURITY OFFICER) ZIVA: Have you ever been tied up by a woman before? Huh? Did you like it? Then today is not your lucky day. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY (DOOR OPENS) TONY: Very professional. SACKS: Your Director kicked us both out, Dinozzo. TONY: Only because you couldn't keep your soup cooler shut. SACKS: Well, your Mossad liaison officer killed two FBI agents today. Sorry if that pisses me off! TONY: Where's your proof? SACKS: Proof? Car abandoned at the crime scene. The Syrian was on their most wanted list. She's disappeared. And, oh yeah, her brother was a Hamas terrorist. TONY: Where I come from, that's called circumstantial. SACKS: Wait a minute! Where's that? Narnia? (BEAT) It's a fantasy movie. The Chronicles of Narnia. TONY: I know what it is! Okay story, excellent special effects. SACKS: They were definitely kicking. TONY: That's not my point. Six months ago, you were convinced that I killed a woman and chopped off her legs. SACKS: Hell, I'm still not convinced you didn't. TONY: Exactly. SACKS: So Ziva David is being framed? By who? TONY: Well, that's what I intend to find out. SACKS: Good luck with that. SHEPARD: You two! Up here, now. TONY: Director, will you please tell Agent Slacks... SACKS: Sacks! It's Sacks. TONY: Will you please tell Agent Slacks that we're going to be handling this one in-house? SHEPARD: I just assured your Director that the F.B.I. will be getting NCIS's complete cooperation in this matter. SACKS: Thank you, Ma'am. SHEPARD: If Ziva attempts to contact you, or anyone on your team, I want you to notify both myself and Agent Sacks immediately. TONY: This is complete bull-- SHEPARD: This is an order from your Director, Agent Dinozzo. Is that clear enough for you? TONY: Almost crystal, Ma'am. SACKS: I give you my word that I will try and keep an open mind on this. TONY: Yeah? SACKS: Yeah. TONY: Okay. Listen, uh... about what happened between us before... SACKS: (OVERLAP) No hard feelings. I got it. TONY: No, I was going to say, I still pretty much hate your guts, Sacks. SACKS: Me, too, Dinozzo. Me, too. SHEPARD: Tony? That question you asked me earlier, what would Gibbs do? Gibbs isn't here. You are. (DOOR CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: Gibbs. This is really, really bad. Ziva has disappeared, and everyone's saying that she's just like her brother. I really, really need you to call me. Please. (SFX: PHONE RINGS) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs?!(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Abby, it's Ziva. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Ziva, are you all right? (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) No, and don't say my name so loud. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Sorry! (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Where are you? (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) At a safe place at the moment. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) The F.B.I. was here. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) And Tony was freaking out. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) And the Director... ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Abby, I need you to do a favor for me. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) You name it. ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) First, you can't tell anyone I've spoken to you. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Except Tony, right? ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) No. Not even Tony. If I talk to him, he'll get in trouble with the F.B.I. ABBY: (INTO PHONE) What do you need? (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) A phone number. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) All right. I'll call you back at this number. TONY: Abby? (SFX: HANGS UP PHONE) TONY: Who was that? ABBY: Where? TONY: On the phone. ABBY: Oh, um... it was the nuns. MCGEE: The nuns? ABBY: Yep. You know, nuns with the big white hats and the... MCGEE: Habits. Yeah, they're called habits. Big white hats. ABBY: Yep, they called to say that... bowling practice is cancelled. MCGEE: Bowling nuns? ABBY: Geez, McGee! What? Are you on some sort of anti-nun crusade here? MCGEE: What? TONY: Okay. All right. Lay off the nuns. I need to contact Gibbs. If we're going to get Ziva out of this, I'm going to need his advice. ABBY: Well, last I heard he was still in Mexico. TONY: Well, there must be some way to contact him. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY (SFX: HAMMERING B.G.) MIKE FRANKS: Ah, damn it! GIBBS: Hey, you say something? MIKE FRANKS: Four months and you still don't understand the meaning of the word siesta, Probie? GIBBS: The roof's not going to fix itself, Mike. Tropical storm season's only a few weeks away. MIKE FRANKS: Did you ever stop to think that I might like rain? GIBBS: Yeah, just maybe not inside your house! MIKE FRANKS: Don't you have a boat to build or something? GIBBS: Yeah, well the problem with that, Mike, is I'm using all my good lumber to fix your dog-rot house. MIKE FRANKS: I've got a better idea. Why don't you use it to build your own... somewhere down there? GIBBS: Hey, you just say the word. I'll be gone. MIKE FRANKS: Oh, tempt me, Jethro. I ain't nearly drunk enough. But until then, I was thinking your next project would be a nice little hot-tub. Say yay big? Right over there. GIBBS: Teak or redwood? CHARO: Hola, gentlemen. MIKE FRANKS: Gentlemen!? She can't be talking to you and me, Gunny! CHARO: You? No. Senor Gibbs, si. I hope you're not letting him work you so hard. GIBBS: Nah. MIKE FRANKS: He's living here for free! What does he expect?! CHARO: Perhaps some day he will tell us. MIKE FRANKS: Hey, how much do I owe you? CHARO: (CHUCKLES) Twenty-five American. And you have a phone call. MIKE FRANKS: Okay. CHARO: Not you. Leroy Jethro. GIBBS: Who is it? CHARO: A woman. And she sounded muy upset. MIKE FRANKS: Ha ha. Probably that lady director of yours. About to have a nervous breakdown. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs? ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) Hola! (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Ah, how's Mexico? GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Ziva! (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) How'd you get this number? ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) From Abby. (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) And if it helps, I forced it out of her. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) No. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) It doesn't. What's wrong? ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) Why does something always have to be wrong? Can't I just-- (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) ... Speak with an old friend? (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) Do a little catching up? GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Today, Ziva! (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Okay. I may be in a little bit of trouble. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah? Define little. (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) I am currently on the run from the F.B.I., NCIS, Mossad, and my father. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Geez! What'd you do? ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) I did nothing, Gibbs. (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) I swear, I did nothing. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Where's-- (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) ... Dinozzo!? ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) He can't help me. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Well, you should talk to Jenny. Jenny can help you. (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) I can't. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Ziva! Look, I'm retired! (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I'm three thousand miles away! What do you think I can do that they can't do? (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Honestly? I don't know. (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) I was hoping, maybe... (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) ... you'd save me? (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (V.O.) Two days.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: (V.O.) How long are these guys going to be here? LEE: Officer David was here for a year. Who knows how badly she compromised our security. MCGEE: What did you say, Probie? LEE: Oh, come on, McGee. You think we don't spy on our allies, too? It happens all the time. TONY: Agent Lee. LEE: Sir? TONY: Shut up and keep an eye on the Feds. McGee, you're with me. We've got places to be. SACKS: Should be done here, Dinozzo, in another... oh, five - six more hours. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY TONY: First off, this is a strictly voluntary thing. Ziva's a fugitive. Anyone caught helping or assisting her in any way will be in serious trouble. Palmer? JIMMY: Um.... by serious, you mean like, get fired? DUCKY: He means, Mister Palmer, instead of attending medical school next month, you will most likely be in prison. JIMMY: Oh. ABBY: I'm in! DUCKY: Danger, intrigue, a damsel in distress? I'm actually looking forward to it. MCGEE: Me, too. JIMMY: Um... I'm not exactly the type that would do well in prison, guys. TONY: No one's going to think any less of you if you want out, Palmer. JIMMY: Really? TONY: Well, no. We probably would. At least I know I would. JIMMY: All right, then I want a code name. Something cool sounding. TONY: All right. No one can know about this, especially the Director. Are we all good with that? All right, then let's figure out how to find her. McGee, I want you on her electronic tracks. TONY: (CONT.) Cell phone, computer, toaster oven if you have to. Ducky, please talk to your contacts in the F.B.I. I want to know everything about that Georgetown crime scene. Palmer, how does "Black lung" sound? JIMMY: Like a horrible and painful way to die. TONY: I mean as your code name. JIMMY: Oh, I like it! TONY: Yeah. All right. Well then, you're in charge of supplies, Black Lung. Which means lunch and at this point, probably dinner. Abs, I need you to go-- ABBY: I talked to Ziva yesterday. TONY: You don't bowl with nuns. I should have seen that coming. ABBY: I do! Ziva made me promise not to tell. DUCKY: Why would Ziva care if we knew that you bowled with nuns? TONY: I think she means that Ziva didn't want us getting in trouble, Ducky. DUCKY: It's a bit late for that. Where is she? ABBY: All I have is this phone number.(SFX: TONY DIALS THE CELL PHONE) (PHONE RINGS) TONY: Well, there's no answer. Abby, are you sure that this-(INTO PHONE) Ziva? (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Tell Abby I'm going to kill her. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) We love you, too. (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) I'm hanging up now. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) No, you're not! (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) You're going to tell me what the hell is going on here. (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Your phone could be tapped, Tony. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Well, then I'll come to you. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) I'm also trying to get a hold of Gibbs right now, but I'm not having any luck. ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) Gibbs? (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Why didn't you say so? GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Dinozzo. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) You have ten seconds to tell me why I am not building .... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) ... a teak hot tub in Mexico. Nine.... (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. BASEMENT - DAY ZIVA: Target's name was Abdul Wazir. A Syrian wanted for crimes against the State of Israel. Terminated by this man, Mossad Officer Namir Eschel. My former teammate when I was stationed in Paris. GIBBS: Who's supposed to be dead. ZIVA: Apparently he's gotten better. GIBBS: Being dead makes for a good cover. ZIVA: I would agree, but my father claims to have no knowledge of his activities. GIBBS: I'd believe him. How many times do I have to tell you, I don't believe -- (DOOR OPENS) ZIVA: In coincidences? I know. TONY: Lucky for you, neither do I. According to the F.B.I., I should be the one aiming my weapon at you. GIBBS: You were set up. The only Mossad liaison officer in D.C.... TONY: Just happens to be present during a Metsada-style hit. (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE OF BOMBING) ZIVA: Oh, God. I'm an idiot. He led me to the scene. Eschel framed me. (CURSES IN HEBREW) Filthy rotting pig! GIBBS: Yeah, but the question is, why? TONY: I thought you might be needing this. Uh... I meant the NCIS cell phone. That's my coffee, Boss. GIBBS: Do I still look like your boss? TONY: Uh... well, maybe if you shaved. And a haircut wouldn't hurt. The smile thing's definitely throwing me off, too. GIBBS: (OVERLAP) It's good... it's good to see you again, McGee. TONY: Dinozzo. GIBBS: What'd I say? ZIVA: You called him McGee. GIBBS: Oh, that's probably because if I left him in charge, you wouldn't be on the F.B.I.'s ten most wanted list right now. TONY: Hm... but you do remember? GIBBS: That I left you in charge? Yeah, I remember I left you in charge, Dinozzo. What I forgot is your taste in coffee. It stinks! TONY: I like sugar. It's my weakness. What's our plan? ZIVA: Things are bad enough for NCIS as it is, Tony. You can't-- TONY: I don't remember asking your opinion, Officer David! ZIVA: You see? He's been completely insufferable since you left. GIBBS: Is that true, Tony? TONY: When I need to be. GIBBS: Yeah? Hm... maybe you were the right man for the job. Our plan is to find this guy before he gets out of the country. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. LAB - DAY MCGEE: (V.O.) How do we put out a BOLO without the (ON CAMERA) F.B.I. finding out about it? TONY ON TAPE: (RECORDED VOICE) I knew you'd ask me that, McGee. TONY: See? I knew you'd ask me that, McGee. MCGEE: And? TONY: And I ... I don't know. Any suggestions? ABBY: We could tell the F.B.I. about Eschel and let them track him down. TONY: When they ask how we know about him? ABBY: They'll know we talked to Ziva. (SFX: FLATULENCE) TONY: McGee! MCGEE: Tony, what if we lie? TONY: Sacks is a self-centered egotistical jack hole, but he's not an idiot. He'll know. MCGEE: No, I mean lie on the BOLO. Instead of looking for a rogue Mossad spy wanted for murder, we put out a BOLO for a wife-beater.(SFX: KEYBOARDING B.G.) TONY: That's underhanded, devious... ABBY: And it's completely getting me hot. TONY: I'm glad to see I'm finally rubbing off on him. TONY ON TAPE: (RECORDED VOICE) Do it! (SFX: FLATULENCE) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. PICK UP TRUCK - DAY ZIVA: It's one of our own safe houses. We park on a dirt access road two hundred meters behind it and enter from the back. GIBBS: You know he's not going to be here. That's the first place Mossad's gonna try to reacquire him. ZIVA: Mossad does not know about this particular one. I set this one up for Ari. GIBBS: How's Eschel know about it? ZIVA: When Ari infiltrated NCIS three years ago, Eschel was part of his recovery team. GIBBS: An F.B.I. agent was killed then, too. Let's get this over with. I've got a beach in Mexico waiting for me. (SFX: TRUCK STARTS/DRIVES O.S.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SAFE HOUSE - DAY (DOOR OPENS) ZIVA: (SHOUTS) Move or we shoot! Clear! GIBBS: He's dead. Rigor mortis has already set in. ZIVA: How do you know he's not faking it? GIBBS: Well, shoot him if you don't believe me. Better hope that's not Eschel. ZIVA: Why? You want to kill him yourself now? GIBBS: Uh-huh. But I won't. Neither will you. We capture him alive. We kill him, there's no way to prove you weren't involved with the hit. He look familiar? ZIVA: He's not Mossad. Eschel is obviously trying to tie up his loose ends. GIBBS: Yeah. Well, that's what you were. Spread out, and start looking around. ZIVA: What for, exactly? GIBBS: Anything that'll help us find out where he went. ZIVA: Right.(DOOR OPENS) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: FAATIN AMAL: She looks a bit like her brother, don't you think? ESCHEL: More like her father. FAATIN AMAL: Who is the man? ESCHEL: Someone who shouldn't be with her. Retired Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. (SFX: ESCHEL DIALS THE CELL PHONE) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY (PHONE RINGS) SACKS: (INTO PHONE) Sacks. Who is this? How do I know this is legit? (TO AGENTS) I've got a tip, guys. House in Fairfax. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SAFEHOUSE - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS AND ZIVA LOOK THROUGH THE CUPBOARDS) GIBBS: There's nothing here. ZIVA: Eschel was always good at covering up his tracks. (BEAT) What is it? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY ESCHEL: (V.O./IN HEBREW) How the hell? (V.O./IN ENGLISH) He's made us! FAATIN AMAL: Impossible! I placed that camera myself! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SAFE HOUSE - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS SEARCHES FOR THE HIDDEN CAMERA) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY (SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONES) FAATIN AMAL: We need to detonate now. ESCHEL: No, we wait for the F.B.I., Faatin. It must look like Ziva killed herself, instead of surrendering. FAATIN AMAL: If she leaves before they get there, Namir? ESCHEL: I will delay her. (SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SAFE HOUSE - DAY GIBBS: He was watching us. ZIVA: It could have been left from when Ari was here. (PHONE RINGS) ZIVA: He was watching us. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What?(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) ESCHEL: (INTO PHONE) I heard you retired. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah. I heard you were dead. (SCENE CUT) ESCHEL: (INTO PHONE) To the Mossad, I am. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) They know you're live now. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) I plan on fixing that. ESCHEL: (V.O./FILTERED) Poor Director David. (SCENE CUT) ESCHEL: (INTO PHONE) First his son's a traitor, and now his daughter... (SCENE CUT) ESCHEL: (V.O./FILTERED) ... By this time tomorrow, he'll be working in a kibbutz! (SCENE CUT) ESCHEL: (INTO PHONE) Unless, of course, he kills himself first. (SCENE CUT) ESCHEL: (V.O./FILTERED) Is it true? (SCENE CUT) ESCHEL: (INTO PHONE) Did you kill Ari Haswari?(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SAFE HOUSE - DAY ZIVA: He's delaying us. GIBBS: Why? ZIVA: I'm his loose end, remember? GIBBS: He called the F.B.I. ZIVA: That's not what I'm worried about. When our safe house was compromised in Paris, Eschel blew it up! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. SAFE HOUSE - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/AGENTS ALL RUN TOWARD THE FRONT DOOR) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY ESCHEL: (V.O.) Shalom, Ziva. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. SAFE HOUSE - DAY (SFX: SAFE HOUSE EXPLODES) (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT SACKS: We're still not sure what the hell happened, Dinozzo. Or if she was even in there when then place blew up. TONY: Bodies? SACKS: No, it was incinerated. We won't even be able to process the scene until at least tomorrow. TONY: What makes you think she was there? SACKS: A tip. TONY: From who? SACKS: Anonymous. My guess is probably somebody inside Mossad trying to make nice. TONY: Someone tying up loose ends. SACKS: For all we know she blew up the place to cover her own tracks. TONY: She was only looking for the guy who set her up. SACKS: You mind telling me how you know that? TONY: Because that's what I'd do.(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS SLIDE CLOSED) TONY: Not good, Ducky. DUCKY: You did manage to call them, didn't you? TONY: I got Gibbs' voice mail. I don't think he ever learned how to use it. DUCKY: And the number Abby has for Ziva? TONY: Not picking up. DUCKY: Then there's only one thing for you to do. TONY: I know! Let the Director know they're probably dead and resign for disobeying a direct order. DUCKY: You'll do nothing of the sort, Anthony Dinozzo. TONY: And why is that? DUCKY: Because the man who did that is still out there. And I'll be damned if we let him get away with it! TONY: What would Gibbs do, right? I've got a bulletin for you, Ducky. I am not Gibbs. DUCKY: No, you're not. Gibbs quit. You're still here. TONY: Why wasn't I with Ziva? I turned over my responsibility to him without even thinking about it. DUCKY: Gibbs is one of the most capable ag-- TONY: Was, Ducky! You didn't see him. I mean, he didn't even look like Gibbs. I think he went native down there. DUCKY: Uh, Tony? TONY: His hair is all long and crazy looking. And he's got this scraggly beard. He looks like a pirate or something. His eyes are all bloodshot, probably from drinking hooch from morning to night with Franks. GIBBS: They call it a "redeye" for a reason... the flight I was on all night to get here. TONY: Oh, geez! You're all right! Good. All right. Thank god. GIBBS: Yeah, thank Ziva. Already been blown up twice, Tony. Don't think I got a third one in me. Space seventy-three. Presents in the back for Autopsy and Abby. Don't be seen. Hey, Duck! DUCKY: Welcome home, Jethro. GIBBS: Oh, you got the wrong guy. I'm just visiting. You might want to tell Palmer it's going to be a late night. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE - NIGHT (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) GIBBS: I really miss that view. Harbor isn't bad, either. SHEPARD: I had a feeling I'd be seeing you soon, Jethro. How is she? GIBBS: She's scared. Not that she'll ever admit that. SHEPARD: NCIS can't help her. GIBBS: Well see, that's why I'm here. I'm not NCIS. I retired. Remember? SHEPARD: I shouldn't even be talking to you. GIBBS: Anyone asks, just tell them two old partners catching up. SHEPARD: My agency has been harboring a foreign operative for over a year, one that I personally vouched for and insisted we needed. GIBBS: She didn't do it. SHEPARD: You think I don't know that? I'm just telling you what they're saying all over the Beltway. I give it twenty-four hours before they ask for my resignation. GIBBS: Don't give it to them. She was set up. SHEPARD: By whom? GIBBS: A former Mossad officer. Claims it was to get back at Ziva's father. SHEPARD: What do you think? GIBBS: My gut says it was more than that. SHEPARD: I agree. This is bigger than the director level of NCIS or Mossad. This incident could jeopardize relations between both of our countries for years. GIBBS: I figure someone hired him to do just that. SHEPARD: Well, I could think of ten countries and a dozen terrorist groups that fit that bill. GIBBS: Oh, yeah. I can, too. Which is why I want you to do me a favor. SHEPARD: Name it. GIBBS: It's late. Go home. Catch up on some sleep. SHEPARD: Plausible deniability. GIBBS: Yeah. Something like that. Thank you. SHEPARD: Jethro, it's good-- GIBBS: I'm not back, Jen. I'm just doing a favor for a friend. SHEPARD: I was just talking about your hair. It's good to see it long again. It reminds me of when we were undercover in Serbia. GIBBS: Serbia? SHEPARD: Do you remember that little farmhouse we were holed up in? A whole week with nothing to do but -- GIBBS: No. No, I don't, Jen. Memory is a little fuzzy on some things. (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA WAITS IN GIBBS' BASEMENT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - NIGHT MCGEE: We matched the dead guy's prints. Balash Sassanid. Arrested five years ago for reckless driving. An illegal from Iran. Student visa expired last year, Boss.(SFX: KEYBOARDING B.G.) TONY AND GIBBS: (IN UNISON) Good job, McGee. GIBBS: What about the cell phone Eschel called us on, Abs? ABBY: I isolated the grid the call came in on. TONY: Nice work, Abs. ABBY: Actually, no, Tony. The grid includes the entire city of Woodbridge, Virginia. He could be anywhere in it. GIBBS: Great. We've got nothing. TONY: Well, an ex-Mossad officer working with an Iranian student is something, Gibbs. GIBBS: Not if it doesn't help us find Eschel in time. TONY: McGee, the BOLO we put out yesterday. Any hits? You completely forgot about that, didn't you? MCGEE: This one's on me, Boss. We have multiple hits. Six hits on men fitting his general description. Three in Delaware, one in Pennsylvania, two in Virginia. Closest match. A local cop saw a man fitting his exact profile at a Freemont Inn. GIBBS AND TONY: (IN UNISON) Where, McGee? MCGEE: Woodbridge, Virginia. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: (V.O.) I'm telling you, Gibbs, (ON CAMERA) don't call her. She won't wait for us.(SFX: CELL PHONE TOUCH TONES) GIBBS: She will if I tell her to.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BASEMENT - DAY (SFX: PHONE RINGS) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) You found him? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) The Freemont Inn in Woodbridge. I'll swing by and pick you up. ZIVA: (V.O./FILTERED) There's no time.... (SCENE CUT) ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs! He won't stay in one place for more than twenty-four hours. I'll meet you there. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Ziva.... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) This isn't a debate. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) We go in together or we don't go-- (ZIVA HANGS UP THE CONNECTION) (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) TONY: Let me guess. She's going without us? GIBBS: If she kills him, there won't be any way to prove the Israelis weren't behind this. TONY: Yeah, I know. Let's roll. Hey! Hey! No. This is my team now, Gibbs. My rules. And Dinozzo's rule one? I don't sit on the sidelines when my people are in trouble. You got a problem with that, let's remember who's got the badge and who's the civilian. GIBBS: You done? TONY: Yeah. (SFX: GIBBS HITS TONY) GIBBS: I was going to say get McGee. I'll meet you there. TONY: You know, I could arrest you for striking a Federal officer. GIBBS: I know that. TONY: All right. Just so you know.(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS SLIDE CLOSED) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY ESCHEL: I trust the rest of my money will be wired to my account shortly? FAATIN AMAL: Of course. Would you mind? Careful, it's delicate. (SFX: MUFFLED GUNFIRE) (SFX: ESCHEL GASPS IN PAIN) FAATIN AMAL: I'm sorry, but no one can know my country was behind this, Eschel. And with you gone, no one will.(FAATIN AMAL SMOTHERS ESCHEL) (DOOR OPENS) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA WALKS THROUGH THE ROOM) (SFX: GUNFIRE) (SFX: EMPTY CHAMBER CLICKS) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA AND FAATIN AMAL FIGHTING) ZIVA: Who hired you? FAATIN AMAL: Mossad. ZIVA: Liar! Who?! FAATIN AMAL: Go on, do it! You'll never make me talk. ZIVA: I believe you. FAATIN AMAL: Then kill me, make your daddy proud, Jew! (SFX: ZIVA THROWS HER KNIFE INTO THE WALL) FAATIN AMAL: (SHOUTS) What are you doing!? ZIVA: Not making you a martyr. You're under arrest. FAATIN AMAL: Your time with the Americans has made you soft. You should not have thrown your knife away. (SFX: ZIVA AND FAATIN AMAL CONTINUE FIGHTING) FAATIN AMAL: Get up! (SFX: ZIVA AND FAATIN AMAL CONTINUE FIGHTING) FAATIN AMAL: Not so tough now, are you?(SFX: FAATIN AMAL SPITS ON ZIVA) (SFX: ZIVA MOANS) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOTEL - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TRUCK BRAKES TO A STOP) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY FAATIN AMAL: I thought I told you to... (SHOUTS) get up! (SFX: ZIVA MOANS) ZIVA: Who are you? FAATIN AMAL: VEVAK. ZIVA: Iranian Intelligence? FAATIN AMAL: Yes. And you have our thanks. The Americans will never trust your country again. (SFX: ZIVA LAUGHS) ZIVA: It was easier than I thought. Making you talk. (SFX: ZIVA AND FAATIN AMAL CONTINUE FIGHTING) (DOOR OPENS) MCGEE: Ziva, are you okay? ZIVA: I'm okay, McGee. GIBBS: You should have waited. TONY: Who is she? ZIVA: Iranian Intelligence. They were behind it all. GIBBS: How do you plan on proving that? ZIVA: I've been with NCIS for a year. I'm not just a killer anymore. I'm an investigator. Now can I go home? REPORTER: (V.O.) The F.B.I. reports they've apprehended the Iranian... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE - DAY REPORTER: (ON TV) .... Terrorist believed to be responsible for the death of two of their agents. Two other terrorists were also killed in a standoff with Federal authorities in Northern Virginia. (REPORTER CONTINUES B.G.) TONY: Federal authorities? They mean us! Four stinkin' letters. N.C.I.S. SHEPARD: It's either that story, Tony, or the F.B.I. charges you with interfering in their investigation. TONY: I can live with Federal authorities. SHEPARD: Welcome home, Ziva! ZIVA: Well, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Gibbs. TONY: And me. ZIVA: True. But mostly Gibbs. SHEPARD: Speaking of which...? TONY: He's in the squad room. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY SHEPARD: Where is he, McGee? Abby's lab? MCGEE: Gibbs left, Ma'am. Said he had a plane to catch. TONY: Are you sure about that, McGee? MCGEE: Yeah, Tony. I'm sure. TONY: No - because he didn't even say goodbye to me! MCGEE: Director, he wanted me to give this to you. TONY: Oh, nice snap. Where was that taken? SHEPARD: Serbia. ZIVA: When? SHEPARD: A lifetime ago, Ziva.

After witnessing a Mossad agent perform an assassination, which was not authorized by Mossad, Ziva is suspected by the FBI to be a double agent. Now a fugitive and on the run, Ziva is forced to ask for help from Gibbs, who is in Mexico after retiring from NCIS. Tony finds his leadership skills being tested to the limit as he and the rest of the team put their careers on the line, determined to prove her innocence before the FBI can arrest her.

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fd_Angel_01x19_0

Wesley: "This is perhaps Faith?" Faith: "New Watcher?" Buffy and Giles: "New Watcher." Buffy: "You killed a man!" Faith: "I don't care!" Angel: "You can't imagine the price for true evil. You don't have to disappear into the darkness." Buffy: "It doesn't have to be like this, you know?" Faith: "You took my life B. Payback's a bitch!" Giles: "The Watchers Council sent a retrieval team to capture Faith. A special operations unit - they handle the Council's - trickier jobs." Collins: "They've ordered the kill." Giles: "We have a rogue Slayer on our hands. I can't think of anything more dangerous." Faith: "Who am I supposed to kill?" Lindsey: "His name is Angel." Faith: "No problem." Lee: "I don't want you to make me look bad." Faith smashes his face into the table: "How do you look now?" Angel catches the quarrel Faith shot at his back. Faith: "This is going to be fun!" Faith: "And if you'd been a better Watcher, I might have been a more positive role model!" Angel burst through the door. Angel and Faith fall through the window. Faith: "I'm bad. I'm bad! I'm evil! Please just do it. Just kill me. Just kill me." A wet and slightly beaten up Faith and Angel ride down the elevator to his apartment. Angel: "Faith. - Come on." Angel leads her over to his bed and Faith sits down, arms wrapped around herself. Angel: "It's okay. - Rest here." Angel wraps a towel around her shoulders. Faith slowly lies down and Angel covers her with a blanket. Angel: "You rest now." He picks up Faith's backpack and puts it on a chair next to the bed. Angel: "I'll put your stuff here. - I'll be close." He turns and starts to leave. Faith: "Angel." Angel turns back: "Yeah" We flash from Angel's face to a short scene of Faith attacking Angel all out with a butcher knife, cut to a shot of Faith's face, lying on the bed, then back on Angel. Faith: "Nothing." Angel leaves. Credits. Cordelia is in the office looking through some files when Wesley walks in. Wesley inspects Cordy's a huge black eye. Wesley: "Bitch. (Cordy gives him a look.) Not you - obviously. (sighs) I can't tell you how sorry I am that I allowed this to happen." Cordy sighs: "I believe it was Faith who allowed her elbow to collide with my face. - Not your fault." Wesley: "At least you only got the elbow." Cordy: "Well, if it's any consolation it really does look like you were - tortured by a much larger woman." Wesley smiles a little. Wesley: "She's still here, I assume." Cordy: "He gave her his bed!" Angel walks in: "Wesley." Wesley: "Angel." Angel: "I didn't expect to see you in today. - How are you feeling?" Wesley: "As well as can be expected." Angel: "Good. - Good. (To Cordy) Doughnuts?" Cordy points and Angel opens the box. Wesley: "Developed a sweet fang, have you?" Angel to Cordy: "You got jelly?" Cordy: "Whole selection." Wesley: "Won't she find it difficult - enjoying delicious, jelly-filled doughnuts, if she is - one assumes - bound and gagged?" Angel: "Wesley, - we went through all this last night." Wesley: "Yes, you were right. The police would be ill equipped to hold a Slayer against her will. I understand why you chose not to turn her over to them. - I do not, however, understand why the woman who brutally tortured me last night - this morning - gets pastries!" Angel: "I don't really have anything else downstairs. - What do you want to do, Wesley? Let her starve?" Wesley: "Certainly not. There are far more humane ways to deal with a rabid animal." Angel: "She is not an animal." Wesley: "No?" Angel: "She's a person. In case you've forgotten - we're not in the business of giving up on people." Wesley: "Don't you dare take the moral high ground with me after what she did. I believe in helping people. I do *not* believe in coddling murderers!" Angel: "It wasn't too long ago that you were the one making the case for her rehabilitation." Wesley: "It wasn't too long ago I had full feeling in my right arm!" Angel: "She wants to change." Wesley: "There is evil in that girl, Angel. It doesn't matter what she wants, or says she wants - you set her free - she'll kill again." When Angel doesn't answer, Wesley picks up his jacket and leaves. Angel: "He'll come around." Cordy: "Wesley? - Sure! - People always get a little funny right after they've been sadistically tortured. - Well, you'd know. (Puts a book of business checks on top of the box of doughnuts Angel is holding) I need you to sign these." Angel with a sigh: "You understand why we have to help Faith, don't you?" Cordy: "Totally. (Points at the book) And here." Angel: "We can't just arbitrarily decide whose soul is worth saving and whose isn't." Cordy: "Oh, I know! And this one? (Rips out the page of checks) Thanks." Angel looks at the copies of the checks. Angel: "Wait. Those were all made out to you." Cordy: "Yeah." Angel checks the book: "Paid vacation." Cordy, putting on her jacket: "Like I'm gonna stick around while psycho case is roaming lose downstairs with three tons of medieval weaponry? - Not! - Oh - and I'm thinking - sugar high? Maybe not a great idea." Leaves. The police are inspecting the damage Angel and Faith did to the cigarette guy's apartment in their fight last night. Detective: "See if the neighbors heard anything." Officer: "Right." Detective sees Kate next to the overturned chair that Wesley was bound to and sighs. Detective: "Kate. What are you doing here?" Kate: "I'm a detective, Kendrick. See? (Holds up a plastic bag with stuff in it) I'm detecting. - Heard we have a fugitive." Kendrick: "Yeah. (Kate hands him a piece of paper) Felony arrest warrant form a place up north called Sunnydale. I've seen it." Kate: "So do we think she is the one who threw the party here?" Kendrick: "The guy who lives here identifies her as the woman who mugged him. Put him in the hospital, stole his keys, his wallet. - We're lifting prints now. My bet is - we get a match." Kate: "Anything else?" Kendrick: "That's it. You mind telling me why you're here examining a crime scene that wasn't assigned to you?" Kate: "It looked interesting." Kendrick: "Right. You've heard the rumors, haven't you?" Kate: "What rumors?" Kendrick: "You know what I'm talking about. This girl supposedly has some kind of supernatural powers?" Kate: "Really." Kendrick: "Come on, Kate. Everybody knows you've gone all Scully. - Anytime one of these weird cases crosses anyone's desk - you're always there. What's going on with you?" Kate: "Scully is the skeptic." Kendrick: "Huh?" Kate: "Mulder is the believer. Scully is the skeptic." Kendrick scratches his head: "Scully is the chick, right?" Kate: "Yes. - But she's not the one that wants to believe." Kendrick: "And you wanna believe." Kate: "Oh, I already believe. - That's the problem." Angel comes down with the box of doughnuts to see that his bed is empty and made. Looks around. Angel: "Faith?" Sees her leaning against the wall leading into the kitchen. Angel: "Faith. - I have doughnuts." When Faith doesn't react he puts the box down on a chair and slowly walks closer. Angel: "I understand what you're going through - and I want to help... but there are a few things you have to do. - First - I need you to give me that knife." Angel holds out his hand. Faith looks down at her hand. She is holding a big butcher knife. She slowly lifts it, hesitates for a moment, then hands it to Angel hilt first. Angel: "You should be resting." Faith: "I've been asleep for eight months. - You rest." Lilah walks into Lindsay's office. Lilah: "We found her." Lindsay: "Where?" Lilah: "She's with him." Lindsay: "Is he dead?" Lilah: "Well, he is a vampire - so technically, yes, he is dead. But not by her hand. She is his house guest." Lindsay: "What?" Lilah: "That's right. The reason our little assassin hasn't made good on her contract is she's roaming with the mark." Lindsay: "We hired her to kill him." Lilah: "I believe I covered that with the assassin part." Lindsay: "And he ends up inviting her to spend the night." Lilah: "I told you he wouldn't be easy. He can't be bought, and apparently he can't be killed - even by a vampire Slayer. - Rumor has it he used to actually date one." Lindsay: "Who else knows about this?" Lilah: "No one outside of this room. - Not yet anyway." Lindsay: "When word gets back to the senior partners this won't go well. We conspired with her, - paid her half up front, - and now she makes us look like fools. - So - question is - how are we gonna fix it?" Lee, wearing a neck brace and his face swollen and black and blue: "I say we kill her." Faith is sitting on Angel's bed. Buffy's voice echoes: "Faith no!" Flash to a picture of Faith staking Finch, then back to Faith's face. Flash on Finch's face, back to Faith. Flash to Finch's blood covered hands, and him staring up at Faith. "You killed a man." Back to Faith. "I don't care." Faith gets up and packs her backpack. Angel comes in: "Faith." Faith just looks at him then goes back to packing. Angel: "You're in no condition to leave here. You walk out that door now and you'll be running for the rest of your life - and my bet is - it'll be a pretty short run." Faith walks past him: " You know what? It doesn't matter." Angel steps between her and the door: "It does matter. It matters to me." Faith: "Why are you doing this? Why are you being nice to me? Just - stop it. - You're gonna step aside or do we throw down? I mean, am I your prisoner here?" Angel: "No. You're not my prisoner." Faith: "So I'm free." Angel: "I don't know about that (slides the door behind him open) but the door is open." Faith walks past him. Angel: "Where are you gonna go? Back out in that darkness? (Faith hesitates then keeps walking) I once told you that you didn't have to go out in that darkness. (Faith slowly comes to a stop her back to Angel) Remember? That it was your choice. Well, you chose. - You thought that you could just touch it. (Walks slowly closer) That you'd be okay. - 5x5, right, Faith? - But it swallowed you whole. - So tell me -(comes to stand behind her) - how did you like it?" Faith turns and slugs him - hard. He doesn't retaliate, just slowly turns back to look at her. Faith stares for a moment then looks anywhere but at him. Faith hesitantly: "Help me?" Angel: "Yeah." Night. Wesley is in a pub, drinking a beer and playing darts by himself. As he goes up to get his darts a dart flies close by his head to hit the bull's eye. Wesley turns and sees Weatherby sitting in his chair miming throwing the next dart at him. Collins and Smith (the other two members of the retrieval team the Council sent after Faith) come to stand next to his chair and Weatherby picks up Wesley's beer to mime a toast to Wesley. Collins: "Hello Wesley." Wesley and the Council goons are sitting in a booth as waitress brings them more beer. Collins: "So, Los Angeles." He gets ready to light a cigarette. Wesley looks at a no-smoking sign on the wall next to Collins. Collins looks at it as well then at Wesley. Wesley: "California." Collins lights his cigarette. Collins: "Who would have predicted this is where you'd end up." Wesley: "Well, it seemed as good a place as any to - re-evaluate my situation after being asked to resign my position with the Council. - And the weather - I find it - dry." Weatherby: "Wouldn't cough up the dosh for the airfare home, would they?" Wesley: "No, they wouldn't." Smith: "All those alchemists on the board of directors and they still make us fly coach. Miserly bastards." Collins: "A frugal lot, to be sure, but not stupid. And I think you'll find, willing to admit when they've made a mistake." Wesley: "Made a mistake?" Collins: "How would you like to come home, Wesley? - Back to England with us." Wesley: "Home." Collins: "The Council is willing to reinstate you - return you to your rightful position as Watcher. - That was a nasty business back in Sunnydale, but - nobody blames you." Wesley: "Really. Because I rather got the impression they did when they sacked me." Collins: "As I said - mistake. (Nods at Smith, who hands Wesley an envelope) One that can now be corrected - with your help." Wesley opens the envelope and pulls out a picture of Faith. Collins: "We know where she is - and we know you have access to her." Wesley closes the envelope back up and lays it down. Wesley: "No. I couldn't possibly." Weatherby: "Loyalty to a vampire now, is it?" Collins gives Weatherby a look. Collins: "It's alright. That's not why we're here. - A rogue Slayer, Wesley. Far more dangerous than any single vampire. Surely *you* understand that." Wesley: "All too well." Collins: "Then you'll help us?" Wesley: "Why come to me? You know where she is, why not take her yourselves? (The three goons refuse to look at Wesley) You three are the best - the Council's elite - - she cleaned your clocks, didn't she?" Collins: "She's betrayed our calling - Council - you. She has power and the willingness to use that power for evil. - She must be stopped." Faith is leaning on the Microwave in Angel's kitchen. The box of doughnuts is sitting on top of it still closed. Angel comes in. Faith: "So, how does this - work?" Angel: "There is no real simple answer to that. - I won't lie to you and tell you that it'll be easy - because it won't be. - Just because you've decided to change doesn't mean that the world is ready for you to. - The truth is - no matter how much you suffer, no matter how many good deeds you do to try to make up for the past - you may never balance out the cosmic scale. - The only thing I can promise you is that you'll probably be haunted - and may be for the rest of your life." Faith indicates the Microwave: "So how does *this* work?" Angel blinks a couple times, then walks over to program it: "Uh - power level, time, start. - Sure that popcorn is gonna be enough for you?" Faith: "Yeah. I can - live off the stuff. - Tell Cordelia I'll pay her back." Angel: "Actually I think it belonged to Wesley." Faith: "Oh, maybe we - just don't mention it then." Angel: "Maybe we do." Faith: "Are you saying I got to apologize?" Angel: "Think you can?" Faith: "I don't' know. - How do you say 'Gee, I'm really sorry tortured you I nearly to death?'" Angel: "Well, first off I think I'd leave off the 'Gee.' And secondly I think you have to ask yourself: are you?" Faith: "What?" Angel: "Sorry." Faith: "And what if I *can't* say it? There are some things you can't just take back, no matter how sorry you *are*, right?" Angel: "Yeah, there are. I've got some experience in that area." Faith: "Right. And you've been doing this for a hundred years! I'm not gonna make it through the next ten minutes." Angel: "So make it through the next five, the next minute." Faith: "I don't think I can." Angel: "Yes, you can." Faith walks away: "God, it hurts. I hate that it hurts like this." Angel follows her: "Oh well, it's supposed to hurt. All that pain, all that suffering you caused is coming back on you. Feel it! Deal with it! Then maybe you've got a shot at being free." Faith lets out something between a laugh and a sob: "I've got to be the first Slayer in history sponsored by a vampire." Angel: "Yeah, well, I've got some experience in that area, too." Faith: "Oh god. B - how am I ever going to make things right with her?" Angel: "Faith, this isn't about Buffy." Faith: "All my life there was only one person that tried to be my friend, - went out of her way when I had no right or reason to expect her to - and I screwed her. Not to mention her boyfriend, only - him literally." Angel: "Faith, you and I never actually..." Faith: "No, not you. The new one. (Angel stares for a moment then looks down) Oh, my god. - Angel, I'm so sorry I..." Angel: "No, there. You *can* say it. - That's good. (Turns away to leave) Good." Lilah is pouring coffee in Lindsay's office. Lindsay: "We'd like to thank you for coming down on such short notice." Lilah: "We trust we can rely on your professionalism." Lee: "We've had some trouble with freelancers in the past." Lilah: "Do you take cream? - No. All right." Lindsay holds out a picture of Faith: "Here is the target." Lee: "Don't let the picture fool you. She is tougher than she looks." Lindsay: "We're not talking about anything elaborate - no slow - or painful death." Lee: "Well, some pain would be good." Lindsay: "The point is - do we want her dead?" Lee: "Yes. Dead - a lot." Lilah brings the tray she's been fixing over to the table. Lilah: "Just so we're clear - we won't be putting any of this down on paper. This is strictly - a handshake deal." She sets a round silver bowl filled with gruel on the table. Lindsay: "Not that it is necessary for you to have hands for us to do business with you." Lilah: "That was species-ist of me. I apologize if I -(The creature sticks its head into the gruel and starts slurping it up with a growl) have offended you - in any way." The creature looks up. It has scraggily black hair, blue skin, a mouthful of fangs and four eyes. Collins pushes a folded napkin across the table to Wesley. Opens it to show a syringe laying on it. Wesley reaches to inspect it. Collins: "Careful now. The sedative contained in that syringe is powerful enough to bring down a man twice your size - or a Slayer." Wesley: "How's it work?" Weatherby: "How do you think? You *jab* her with it, don't you?" Collins sighs and takes the cap of the syringe: "Just a little pressure on the flesh - in moments she'll feel the effects." Wesley: "So you intend to take her alive then." Collins: "Of course. She'll be out long enough for us to secure her for transport back to England. There she'll begin her rehabilitation." Wesley: "Does the Council *really* believe she can be rehabilitated?" Collins: "We have every confidence. - You'll signal us as soon as it's done - and we come in and take care of the rest." Waitress sets more beer on the table and Wesley covers the syringe with his hands. Collins to waitress: "Thanks." Wesley: "I have some conditions of my own. - Just one actually. - No harm must come to the vampire." Weatherby: "Oh, don't be a ponce!" Wesley pushes the syringe away: "That's it. Unless you agree to that you won't get any help from me." Collins looks at Weatherby as he pushes the syringe back: "We have no quarrel with the vampire." Weatherby: "Unless you count the fact that he *is* a vampire!" Wesley: "He's a special case. He is reformed. - He has a soul. (The three goons look away from Wesley) In point of fact I've confronted more evil - slayed more demons (notices the waitress coming by and lowers his voice) slayed more demons - in short, done more good while working with Angel than I *ever* did while in the *Council's* employ." Collins: "We'll make every effort." Wesley: "No. Not every effort - no harm. I must have your word." Collins holds out his hand after a moment's hesitation: "Done." They shake. Faith is eating popcorn while flicking through the channels on Angel's TV. Some thing scampers by behind her unnoticed. A wet and steaming Angel sticks his head out of the bathroom. Angel: "Is everything okay in there?" Faith: "It was touch and go for the four minutes you left me alone, but somehow I got through it." Angel goes into his bedroom to finish dressing while the thing skitters along the ceiling above Faith. She changes the channel to a police report. Announcer: "Los Angeles police in conjunction with Federal authorities are looking for this woman tonight, (Picture of Faith on the TV) a felony suspect from the California town of Sunnydale. (Faith reaches for her drink and spills it) The young woman..." Angel hears the glass fall as he is putting on his shirt. Angel: "Faith?" Announcer: "...has fled to Los Angeles in recent days." Angel coming into the living room: "Faith." Announcer: "Eyewitnesses identified her..." Angel: "What is it?" Announcer: "...as being involved in several recent assaults. Police want your help in finding her." Angel sees Faith's picture on the TV and crouches down beside her chair. Angel: "Faith, it's ok, alright? We knew about this." Announcer: "A press conference was held earlier." Angel: "Nothing's changed, alright? Nothing's..." Kate on the TV: "Anyone with any information about the whereabouts of this subject should get in touch with law enforcement immediately. (Angel looks over at the TV) Do not approach her. She is violent and unpredictable. I'll take a few questions." Angel hits the power button on the remote. Angel: "Listen to me Faith. You're safe here. You hear me? You're safe." The thing hanging on the ceiling picks that moment to drop down on top of them. It throws Angel off Faith, then tosses Faith onto the sofa, over turning it, when Angel comes right back at it. The thing tosses Angel towards Faith and he pushes her into the kitchen to get her out of harms way then takes a hold of an overhead beam and swings both feet into the things face. In the kitchen Faith grabs a hold of the big butcher knife and hurries back to the fight. Angel comes sliding past the opening to the kitchen. The thing is charging a slightly dazed Angel as Faith comes up behind it and stabs it with the butcher knife. A few blows later the thing lies dying in the floor. Faith is staring at the bloody knife in her hand as Angel picks himself up. Faith: "No." She drops the knife and stares at her hands, gasping and shaking her head. Angel: "Hey. Hey. Hey. Shh. Hey. (Leads her over to the day bed) Sit down. Shh. It's- it's okay. (Faith wraps her arms around Angel's neck, careful not to touch him with her bloody hands) Hey. It's gonna be okay. Okay? (Angel holds her) Shh. Alright." Angel looks over as he hears someone come down the stairs. It's Buffy. Angel gets up: "Buffy. (Buttoning his shirt) I didn't know you..." Buffy: "What..." Buffy looks from him to Faith still sitting on the day bed staring at her bloody hands, then back to Angel. Buffy: "How... What are you doing?" Angel: "She - we were attacked." Buffy: "We? - You and..." Angel: "Faith." Buffy: "You and Faith." Angel: "Oh, it's not what you think." Buffy: "You actually think that I can form a thought right now? - Giles heard that - that she tried to kill you." Angel: "That's true." Buffy: "So you decided to punish her with a severe cuddling." Angel: "Is that why you're here? To punish her?" Buffy: "I was worried about you." Faith: "Buffy. (Buffy looks at her) Oh, god." Buffy walks closer to Faith who is cringing away form her. Buffy: "You didn't think I was going to find you, did you?" Angel: "Buffy, let's talk." Buffy: "Oh, I don't think talk is in order right now." Angel: "She needs help." Buffy whips around to face Angel: "Help? Do you have any idea what she did to me?" Angel: "Yes." Buffy: "Do you care?" Angel: "She wants to change. She has a chance to..." Buffy: "No. No chance. Jail." Faith slowly gets up. Angel: "You think that'll help?" Faith: "Buffy... (Buffy whips around to face her) I'm sor..." Buffy: "Apologize to me and I will beat you to death." Faith quietly: "Go ahead." Angel steps in front of Faith: "This is not gonna happen." Buffy: "You're gonna stop me? Because you're gonna have to." Faith shakes her head: "Don't - so this." Angel: "Faith, go upstairs - now." Buffy: "You think I'm gonna let her out of my sight?" Angel: "Buffy, just back off." Buffy: "There is no way I'm letting her out of my sight." Angel: "Faith, go!" Faith goes up the stairs and Buffy moves to stop her. Buffy: "Don't you move a..." Angel catches her arm and she turns to punch him full in the face. She hauls back to hit him again, but Angel blocks her fist and hits her across the face in return. Angel steps back as Buffy stares at him with a hand over her mouth. Angel: "I'm sorry. - I'm sorry." Faith opens the upstairs door and steps into Angel's office. Wesley comes in from the outer office as Faith stares down the stairs. Wesley: "Faith? (Faith turns to look at him) Going somewhere?" Faith turns to stare back down the stairs: "No. Just wanted to be alone." Wesley comes closer: "Angel downstairs?" Faith: "Yeah." Wesley: "Right." Lindsay is pacing in an office at Wolfram and Harts with Lee sitting at the table. Lilah comes in. Lee gets up: "Well?" Lilah: "Strike two." Lee: "This is getting ridiculous. The first assassin kills the second assassin - sent to kill the first assassin, - who didn't assassinate anyone until we hired - the second assassin to assassinate the first assassin." Lindsay: "Alright. This obviously isn't working." Lilah: "You think?" Lindsay: "We've gone about this all wrong." Lee: "Meaning?" Lindsay: "We're lawyers. It's a mistake for us to try to work outside the law." Lilah: "He's being ironic." Lindsay: "Not at all. It's time we moved this fight to our own turf. - I know what to do. - I'll take care of it." Angel: "She's not gonna run, Buffy." Buffy: "Well, why would she? When she has her brave knight to protect her? - Got you. - Does she cry? - Pouty lips - heaving bosom? - I thought you needed help." Angel: "You think I wanted this to happen? Buffy: "You hit me." Angel: "Not to go all schoolyard on you, but you hit me first. In case you've forgotten - you're a little bit stronger than I am." Buffy: "You did it for *her*." Angel: "You were about three seconds - from making her run - you know that. She's at a crucial stage." Buffy: "She's playing you. She tried to kill you!" Angel: "That was just - that was just a cry for help." Buffy: "A cry for help is when you say 'help' in a loud voice." Angel: "I know Faith did some bad things to you." Buffy: "You can't possibly know." Angel: "And you can't possibly know what she's going through." Buffy: "And of course, you do? - I'm sorry. I can't be in your club. I never murdered anybody." Footsteps coming down the stairs. Angel: "Faith, I told you..." Wesley pushing Faith down the stairs in front of him: "Slight change of plan. (To Faith) Get your coat." Angel: "Wesley, what's going on?" Wesley: "In about twenty minutes the Council's operations team is coming in here. They'll expect to find you gone (holds up the syringe) and her drugged." Angel: "How many?" Wesley: "Three. Hello Buffy. I'm afraid you've come at a bad time." Buffy: "I'm feeling that." Angel: "Why did you bring them here?" Wesley: "Couldn't shake them. Had to pretend I was helping them." Angel: "Why aren't you?" Buffy: "I know these guys. They're killers." Wesley: "They've surrounded the building." Angel: "I'll check the sewers, if they're clear we all head out. Faith?" They turn to look for her but she is gone. Wesley: "She must have slipped out." Angel: "She'd head for the roof. (Buffy turns to go, Angel moves to go after her) They may have it covered." Wesley stops him: "We need a plan. Buffy can protect Faith." Angel turns towards the sewer entrance: "I'm not sure that's her agenda." Wesley follows him: "The sewers are still our best route." Angel: "If they don't know about our access." Wesley: "Angel, it wasn't for her." Angel: "I know." Wesley: "It's because I trust you. (Angel drops down into the sewers, Wesley follows) Well, more than three gun-toting maniacs at any rate." [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to the police department. Kate: "Why should I listen to anything you have to say? I despise you - you and everything you represent. And when I say 'represent' and 'thing' - I *do* mean your clients." Lindsay: "Well, be that as it may - I believe that I have some information that will be of interest to you. Because -while it is true that we differ on a great many issues - we do have one thing in common." Kate: "Ah, our bodies are both 80% water?" Lindsay lays a picture of Angel onto the table: "An enemy." Kate: "I don't know what you're talking about." Lindsay: "No, of course you don't. And we can't be completely clear because - the law isn't clear on these matters, is it? I mean take for example - those creatures that murdered your father. - They could never have been brought to any kind of traditional justice, even if the *had* survived. - And personally - I feel that you were totally justified in taking whatever - extra legal - measures you found necessary." Kate: "What do you want?" Lindsay: "There are beings, detective. Beings that aren't governed by the laws and strictures that we as humans have devised. (Points at Angel's picture) This man is such a being. He feels he is above the law - which is why he - gives aid and comfort to a know murderer. (Gets ready to leave) The woman you're looking for? - She's with him." Buffy comes out on the roof to see Faith standing there. We can hear a helicopter flying in the background. Buffy: "You're not gonna run, Faith." Faith: "What do you wanna do? You're gonna throw me off the roof -again?" Buffy: "Any reason why I shouldn't?" Faith turns to look at Buffy: "There is nothing I can do for you, B. I can't ever make it right." Buffy: "So you're just going to take off again. Leave us to clean up yet another one of your messes." Faith: "It would make things easier for you." Buffy: "Till you got bored with the whole guilt thing - decided to come back to shake things up?" Faith: "That's not gonna happen." Buffy: "You're right. It's not." Faith: "Angel said there was no way you were gonna give me a chance." Buffy: "I gave you every chance! I tried so hard to help you, and you spat on me. My life was just something for you to play with. Angel - Riley - anything that you could take from me - you took. I've lost battles before - but nobody else has -ever- made me a victim." Faith: "And you can't stand that. You're all about control. You have no idea what it's like on the other side! Where nothing's in control, nothing makes sense! There is just pain and hate and nothing you do means anything. You can't even.." Buffy: "Shut up!" Faith: "Just tell me how to make it better." The door to the roof bursts open and Collins steps through, machinegun in hand. Buffy tackles Faith to safety as Collins opens fire. Angel and Wesley, standing next to the sewer entrance in his apartment, hear the shots. Angel: "That's coming from the roof." Just then Weatherby comes in shooting at them with his machine gun. Angel and Wesley take cover. Wesley: "I didn't give you the signal." Weatherby: "Shut it. (Smiles at Angel as he lifts a loaded crossbow) Vampire." Buffy: "I think we can make it to the other building." Faith: "Go." Buffy: "Now." They run but before they reach the edge a black helicopter comes to hover in front of them. Smith is in the open door, machinegun in hand. Buffy and Faith run to hide behind a skylight. Collins has to reload and Buffy and Faith change skylights. Wesley: "Weatherby, listen to reason." Weatherby: "Reason. A Watcher working for a vampire. It's perversion." Buffy: "I have to take this guy out. The guy with the gun up there will go for me. You stay here." Faith: "Okay." Buffy lunges over the skylight and tackles Collins. They fight with Smith unable to shoot without hitting Collins. Smith to pilot: "Try and keep her steady." Wesley: "Weatherby..." Weatherby: "Do the sacred oaths you swore as a Watcher mean nothing to you now?" Wesley: "As a matter of fact they do. I swore to protect the innocent. (To Angel) Get to the roof. Help them." Angel: "What?" Wesley: "Now!" Angel runs for the stairs while Weatherby drops the crossbow and shoots at Wesley as he runs for the cover of another pillar. Wealtherby: "b*st*rd!" Buffy is fighting Collins. Wesley takes the cap from the syringe and throws it like a dart. It hits Weatherby in the side of the neck and he drops his gun. Wesley with a smile: "180." Weatherby pulls the needle out. While he stands there swaying Wesley walks up to him and knocks him out with a right cross. Wesley: "That's for calling me a ponce." Angel is running up the stairs to the roof. Buffy and Collins are still fighting. Angel sees the helicopters spotlight through the milky Skylight above the top landing. Buffy knocks Collins down and turns to face the helicopter just as Angel comes shooting through the skylight, catching it's left rung with his arms. He reaches up and pulls Smith out of the door. Smith lands at Buffy's feet, while Angel climbs up to stand on the rung. Angel, in vamp face to the pilot: "Down! Take it down." Buffy watches the helicopter leave then turns around. Buffy: "Faith.'" But Faith is nowhere to be seen. A bunch of police cars drive up with lights and sirens as the helicopter sets down. Kate: "Where is she? - You got one shot here Angel, where is she?" Angel just looks at her. Kate: "Arrest him. Start with aiding and abetting a wanted felon." The cops cuff Angel and lead him away. Wesley and Buffy arrive at the police station in Angel's car. Kate: "I think you're gonna like the cell we have for you, Angel. It faces east. It'll give you a great view of the sunrise in about four hours." Buffy walking behind them: "What?" Angel: "It's okay." Buffy: "You know what he is." Kate: "Who are you?" Angel: "She is nobody." Buffy steps between Angel and Kate as the reach they reach her desk. Buffy: "Wait. This is murder." Angel: "Buffy, it's alright." Buffy: "It is *not* alright." Kate: "Get her out of here!" Buffy pushes the cop off her: "You are not taking the fall for her, Angel." Kate: "OUT!" Angel looks over and sees Faith sitting at another desk with her back to them. Angel: "Buffy." Everyone in their group turns to look. A cop tries to pull Angel away and Buffy pushes his arm away. Faith looks over her shoulder at them and slowly stands up as Kate walks over to her. Faith: "I'd like to make a confession." Buffy and Angel are standing alone in the hallway of the police station. Buffy: "You should have told me what was going on." Angel: "I didn't - I didn't think it was your business." Buffy: "Not my business?" Angel: "I needed more time with Faith. I'm not sure.." Buffy: "You needed - Do you have any - idea what it was like for me to see you with her? That you went behind my back..." Angel: "Buffy, this wasn't about you! This was about saving somebody's soul. That's what I do here, and you're not a part of it. - That was your idea, remember? We stay away from each other." Buffy: "I came here because you were in danger." Angel: "I'm in danger every day. You came because of Faith. You were looking for vengeance." Buffy: "I have a right to it." Angel: "Not in my city." Buffy turns away for a moment then turns back. Buffy: "I have someone in my life now. (Angel looks away from her but otherwise doesn't move) That I love. (Angel swallows hard) It's not what you and I had. - It's very new. (She steps closer) You know what makes it new? - I trust him. - I know him." Angel lets out a sharp breath: "That's great. - It's nice - you moved on. - I can't. You found someone new. - I'm not allowed to, remember? I see you again it cuts me up inside and the person I share that with is me! You don't know me anymore. So don't come down here with your great new life and *expect* me to do things your way. - Go home!" Buffy looks at him for a moment then goes to pick up her jacket, while Angel walks over to the wall and braces his hands against it. Buffy: "See? - Faith wins again." Angel without looking at her: "Go." Buffy goes. After a moment Angel slams his hands against the wall and sighs. Wesley: "You all right?' Angel: "For a taciturn, shadowy guy - I've got a big mouth." Wesley: "Did you want to go after her?" Angel: "Yes." Wesley: "I don't know how much my opinion counts for, but - I think you did the right thing." Angel: "Yelling at Buffy?" Wesley: "No. - The other thing." Angel shakes his head: "I didn't do it. - Faith did." We see Faith sitting alone in a jail cell, leaning back against the wall. Wesley voice over: "I hope she is strong enough to make it. - Peace is not an easy thing to find." Blend into a close-up of Faith's face. Angel v.o.: "She has a chance." Faith closes her eyes.

The second half of Faith's appearance in LA has her bonding with Angel. She's utterly drained and has no more fight left in her. Angel takes her in and becomes her redemption "sponsor." He promises to help her find a way to forgive herself and start over. But, there are still a lot of problems to overcome. Wes and Cordy aren't too happy that Angel's forgiven Faith. The Watcher's Council goons are still after Faith. Lila, Lindsey and Lee are hiring another assassin. Kate wants to arrest Angel. And, oh yeah, Buffy's on her way to LA looking for payback on Faith.

fd_FRIENDS_09x19

fd_FRIENDS_09x19_0

Teleplay: Mark Kunerth Story: Dana Klein [Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment] Joey: (talking to a pineapple in his hand) God, you're beautiful...why are we fighting this?You know you want it to happen as much as I do. (Rachel comes out of her room and starts staring at him unseen) Joey: I want you.I need you.Let me make love to you. Rachel: I don't wanna stand in the way of true love or anything, but I think a canelope might hurt less. Joey: Oh, ehm...I'm...I'm rehearsing my lines.They gave me a big romantic story on Days Of Our Lives. It's the first time my character's got one. I'm so nervous, you know, I really want it to be good! Rachel: Woow!I haven't seen you this worked up since you did that dog food commercial and you thought you were gonna be with a real talking dog! Joey: Yeah, that was a disappointment...(pause) Oh, hey!D'you want to come down to the set and tell me if I'm doing ok? Rachel: (excited) Are you serious? Joey: Yeah!Hey, you just have to promise not to get yourself thrown out again. Rachel: Hey, that was an honest mistake! Joey: Right!(he starts to ape her)"Oh my God, is this the men's room? Oh, I feel so foolish, have you always known you wanted to be an actor?" (he inclines his head as if to look at a man's private parts) Rachel: Yeah, that was an awesome day! Opening credits [Scene: Central Perk] Monica: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hi! Monica: So, do you guys wanna come and eat dinner at the restaurant sometime in the next few weeks? Phoebe: Sure! Ross: I'd love to! Monica: Well you can't! We're booked solid for the next month! Phoebe: Well, I can't give you a massage, because my licence has been revoked again! Ross: Phoebe, what happened? Phoebe: Well, it was an accident...You know, it's a lot of oil and sometimes the hand just slips! (Chandler enters) Chandler: (To Monica) Have I got a surprise for you? Pack your bags! Phoebe: Oh no!You guys aren't supposed to get divorced for 7 years! Chandler: What? No, I'm taking Monica to a romantic inn in Vermont (shows them a brochure)! Phoebe: Oh, good!Ok, good for you!Try to recapture the magic! Chandler: So, what do you say? Can you get out of work? Monica: Oh, honey!I can't. I was just telling these guys that things are crazy at the restaurant! Chandler: Are you really that busy? Monica: Yeah, I'm sorry. I really am. Chandler: Oh, that's ok.I'll just try and reschedule. (on the phone) "Hi, this is Chandler Bing. I made a reservation there and I need to change it (pause) Oh, what do you mean it's not refundable? Can I just come some other time? (pause) Oh, can't you make an exception?" Monica: Tell them I'm a chef in a big New York restaurant! Phoebe: And tell them that in 2 weeks I will once again be a masseuse in good standing! Chandler: (on the phone) "Look, this is ridiculous! I'm not paying for that room! Ok?" (pause) "Oh, thank you very much!" (hangs up) Yeah, I'm going to Vermont... Ross: Oh, don't worry about it! Just use your travel insurance. Chandler: I don't have travel insurance. Ross: Well, this is what happens when people live on the edge! Monica: Why don't you take Ross? Ross: Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn... Monica: No, not if their room has two beds! Ross: (browsing the brochure) I guess...It still seems a little...(enthusiastically) moonlight boat ride!! [Scene: Days of Our Lives' Studios] Rachel: Hey Joey, is this the bed where Olivia lost her virginity? Joey: I don't know, but one of the extras sure did! (pause) Hey, listen Rach. Thanks again for coming down to watch my scenes! Rachel: Oh, please!Honey, just the fact that you want me here to support you, I'm...OH MY GOD!Is that Christian Sanders?He's so gorgeous! Joey: Also so gay! Rachel: Oh, in my head he's done some pretty "not-gay-stuff"! Joey: Well, at the Christmas party him and Santa did some definitely gay stuff! Director: Joey, Joey! We're ready for you! Joey: Oh, wish me luck! Rachel: Ok, not that you need it but good...GOD!Is that Chase Lassiter?He's straight, right? Joey: Rach, I gotta say...if you weren't here wondering if these guys were gay I don't know if I could do this! Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, you're right.I'm sorry, good luck! (they hug) Director: On a bell please! Quietly.. and ACTION! (the scene starts.Joey enters and there's a girl wearing a wedding dress near a bed) Actress/Olivia: Drake! What are you doing in here? Joey/Drake: Stopping you from marrying the wrong man and making the biggest mistake of your life. Actress/Olivia: Get out! Joey/Drake: You don't love him! Actress/Olivia: What do you know about love? Joey/Drake: I know what I felt that night when we kissed under the bridge. Actress/Olivia: That kiss never happened. Joey/Drake: Oh, what about this one. (the actress slaps him) Rachel: (watching a television where the scene is shown, startled) OH! Actress/Olivia: No, I told you...get out! Joey/Drake: Fine. I'll go. But let me ask you one question... Chase Lassiter: (talking to Rachel) You look familiar, have we... Rachel: SSSHHHHTTT!!He's asking her a question!! Joey/Drake: Can you really live the rest of your life never knowing what we could have been? Actress/Olivia: I don't have a choice... Joey/Drake: Yes, you do.Yes...you do. I'm the one who doesn't have a choice because I...because I can't stop loving you. Actress/Olivia: Don't say that... Joey/Drake: Tell me to stop, just...tell me to stop. (he's about to kiss her) Director: CUT! Rachel: NO! (pause) Or, cut!You know, that's your call! [Scene: Monica's restaurant] 1st Customer: Everything was delicious! Monica: Thank you! 2nd Customer: It was. The duck in particular was superb. Monica: Thank you!(she looks at the 3rd customer waiting for a compliment) You haven't said anything... 3rd Customer: Actually I do have one small complaint. Monica: Oh..please!I-I welcome criticism. 3rd Customer: The musician right outside the restaurant...it's kind of a mood-killer! Monica: What musician? [Scene: Outside the restaurant] Phoebe: (playing guitar and singing) And there's a country called Argentinaaaa, it's a place I've never seeeeen. But I'm told for fifty pesos you can buy a human spleen. Humaaan spleeeeen. Ol ! Monica: What are you doing here! Phoebe: Well, you said that you had customers lined up in the street, so I am here to entertain! Monica: Great! Phoebe: Yeah! It really has been great too, you know, some of this people must have seen me play before because they were requesting a bunch of my songs! Yeah, "You suck" and "shut up and go home". Monica: Listen Phoebe... Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: You know how much I love listening to your music, you know, but... Phoebe: But what? Monica: This is kind of a classy place. Phoebe: (pause) Ok, say no more. [Time lapse: Phoebe in front of restaurant again] Phoebe: (with a fancy dress, still playing and singing): It wasn't just that she was fat, the woman smelled like garbage! Everyone! It wasn't just that she was fat the woman smelled like garbaaaaaage! (to Monica, showing her dress) Classy, uh? (Monica covers her face with her hands) [Scene: hall of the romantic inn in Vermont] Chandler: Hi, Chandler Bing, I have a reservation. Receptionist: Welcome to the Chestnut Inn Mr. Bing, so where are you joining from? Chandler: New York. Ross: (in a strange voice and eating candies) The big apple! Chandler: I'm sorry, he's a little bit wound up, we had to stop at every maple candy stand on the way here. Ross: Yeah, I ate all my gifts for everybody. Receptionist: I am sorry Mr. Bing, there's no record of your reservation in the computer. Chandler: Well, that's impossible, can you check again, please? Ross: (high pitched voice) Check again please! Receptionist: I'm sorry, it's not here. Ross: Not there. Chandler: Let me get this straight. I called yesterday trying to cancel my reservation and I was told it was not refundable, then we drove six hours all the way up here and now you tell me that we don't have a reservation? Receptionist: I don't know what to say. Ross: (mumbling) She doesn't know what to say! Chandler: Just give us the cheapest room you have. Receptionist: Unfortunatly the only thing we have available is our deluxe suite, the rate is six hundred dollars. Chandler: That's insane! Ross: Totally insane. Dude, let's drive home, we'll hit all the maple candy stores on the way back and if...if they're closed maybe we'll tap a tree and make some ourselves. Chandler: Does that room have a closet I can lock him in? (pause) We'll take it. Receptionist: Great. Chandler: (aside, to Ross) What!? They are totally ripping us off! Ross: Dude, don't worry 'bout it! I know how we can make your money back! This is a nice hotel, you know, plenty of amenities, we just load up on those! Like those apples. Instead of taking one, I'm... I take six! Chandler: Great, at a hundred dollars an apple, we're there! Ross: C'mon, you get the idea, ow-ow-ow we'll make our money back in no time! Chandler: Dude, you're shaking! Ross: I think it's the sugar, could you hold the apple? [Scene: Joey's apartment] Rachel: Hi! Joey: Hey! Rachel: Joey, I gotta tell ya, I've been thinking all day about that scene you did, I mean, you were amazing! Joey: Oh, you know, the writing was good, and the director is good, and... and my co-star's good but they're not as good as me! Rachel: God, you have to tell me what happens tomorrow! Joey: Ow, I'm just going over the script now! You wanna read lines with me? Rachel: Me? Oh, no, I am not an actress. Joey: Oh, all right, I can ask Monica. Rachel: Oh screw her, that part is mine! Joey: Right... (pause) ok, so just from the top of the page, right here. Rachel: Okay. (pause).(acting) Hello Drake, I'm surprised to see you here. Joey/Drake: I can't believe you married him. Rachel/actress: But what choice did I have. He was keeping my sister in a dungeon! Joey/Drake: So what about us? Everything we feel for each other. Rachel/actress: It's over! You have to accept that. Joey/Drake: How can I? Knowing I'll never hold you in my arms again, or touch your skin, or feel your lips, knowing I'll never make love to you? How can I accept that... I can never kiss you again when it's all I can do not to kiss you right now. Rachel: (pause) Kiss me. Joey: What? Rachel: Kiss me. Joey: Ah, Rach, it doesn't say that! Rachel: No, I'm saying... Joey: but, but.. Rachel: just... don't talk... (she kisses him) [Scene: Rachel's bedroom] Rachel: (waking up) Ehhh, aw! (pause). Well, that's new! [Scene: Hotel's room] Ross: (on the phone) Hi, this is Ross Geller in suite 206. It seems you forgot a couple of things. Could you have some complimentary toiletries sent up to my room? (pause) Thank you! Ok. Toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, mouthwash, deodorant, dental floss, band aids, shaving cream, after shave... and I feel like I am forgetting something... Is there anything else you have that I haven't asked for already? (pause) Yeah, go ahead, send up some tampons. (Chandler enters the room) Ross: What did you get? Chandler: USA Today Ross: Nice, put it with the others. Chandler: And I also got... two more apples. Ross: We are four short of a bush-o (pause). God I feel so alive, I love being in the country! Chandler: I also got this great salt and pepper shaker from the restaurant. Ross: Oh, that's not cool. Chandlers: Dude, none of this is cool. Ross: No, Chandler, you have to find the line between stealing and taking what the hotel owes you. For example: hair drier, no, no, no, but shampoo and conditioners, yes, yes, yes. (pause) Now, the salt shaker is off-limits, but the salt (he opens the salt shaker and pours the salt into his hand) I wish I'd thought this through. Chandler: I think I know what you mean though...the lamp is the hotel's, but the bulbs (goes to take the bulb)...oh, you already got that. Ross: Not my first time in a hotel, my friend. Chandler: Ok, how about this (picks up the remote control)? Ross: No, no, no, you can't take the remote control! Chandler: Yes, but the batteries... (Ross claps his hands) Chandler: Thank you, thank you very much! Ross: Let's celebrate with some maple candy! Chandler: No! Ross: At least tell me where you hid it. [Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the sofa] Rachel: Can I ask you a question? Monica: Yeah. Rachel: Have you ever had any weird romantic dreams? Monica: Let me think. Oh, when I was younger I used to dream that I got married to Mayor McCheese, and on our wedding night I ate his head. Rachel: Ok, well this is like that...in no way. I had a...I had a dream last night that I wanted to kiss Joey. Monica: Wow, do you mean like kiss him-kiss him? Rachel: Oh yeah! I mean, that was pretty intense. Monica: What do you think brought than on? Rachel: I don't know! I mean, maybe that's something to do with the fact that I saw him do a love scene yesterday. Monica: A love scene? With who? Rachel: Olivia. Monica: Olivia? I thought she was marrying Connor! (pause) Oh right, real life more important. Rachel: So do you think that my dream means anything? Monica: I don't know. I mean, you saw him do a love scene, so maybe you don't have a thing for Joey, maybe you have a thing for Drake. Rachel: Ah! Well it was Joey reading Drake's lines in the dream... Monica: Of course it was! Trust me, when it comes to psychology I know what I'm talking about. I took two psych classes in college. Rachel: You took the same class twice. Monica: It was hard! (Phoebe comes in) Phoebe: Hey! Rachel and Monica: Hi. Phoebe: Here, Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at the restaurant (she dons a top hat) uh, huh wait! (she raises a pair of spectacles to her eyes) Right? I mean, this might even class up the ballad of the uncircumcised man. Monica: Oh...Phoebe? Maybe I wasn't clear before. I really love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is sort of an upscale place. Phoebe: Right, yeah, ok, I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault. Monica: Phoebe, it's not what you wear. It's sort of your songs... I just don't think you should play at the restaurant anymore. Phoebe: Oh, ok. Fine, I'll just, I'll take the hat back (she puts the hat in a bag and she crushes it angrily on the floor with her foot). (silence) Rachel: Hey, so you guys, the funniest thing happened, at work... Phoebe: My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant? Rachel: Ok, we're still on that. Monica: I didn't say your songs were not good enough. Phoebe: Then what's wrong with them? Would they not go with your tiny portions of pretentious food? Monica: Tiny portions? Phoebe: Yeah well, "excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but (peering through her spectacles) I can't see it, I can't see it"! Monica: Phoebe, it's not about quantity. Phoebe: Well...it's not about quality. Monica: Oh really, you want to talk about quality? Have you heard of a key? It's what some people sing in. Phoebe: Well at least all my songs don't taste like garlic. Yeah, there are other ingredients Monica. Monica: Ok, so that's what we're doing. You know, when I'm in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, I'm wearing ear plugs. Phoebe: Ear plugs, or cloves of garlic? Monica: You know what? I take back what I said before. You keep playing at the restaurant, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales are going up like crazy. Phoebe: What are people having, the garlic Martini? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Hotel's reception] Receptionist: Here's your copy of the bill, we hope you enjoyed your stay. Chandler: Oh we did, and you still have all your lamps. (the receptions is puzzled. She goes in the back.) Chandler: Oh, I didn't factor in the room tax. Ross: Oh dude, don't worry about it, I found an unattended maid's car. We're way ahead of the game. (they make as if to go, but Ross notices something) Ross: Oh my god. Chandler: What? Ross: There's something new in the bowl. Chandler: Look, we have enough, just walk away. Ross: No, but I want...I want the pinecones! Chandler: There's a forest right outside. Ross: It's not the same. Chandler: Ok, go quick! (Ross starts stuffing pinecones in the suitcase. As the receptionist walks in, Chandler makes a bird's verse and Ross stops) Ross: (to the receptionist) Thank you for a delightful stay. (he picks up the suitcase, which falls open, revealing all the stuff they have taken from the hotel. The receptionist just looks at them.) Ross: Oh, my maple candy! [Scene: In front of Monica's restaurant. Phoebe is playing] Phoebe: (singing) Food here at 'Javu'..will kill you..the food here at 'Javu' ...will kill you.. (Monica comes out) Monica: Thank god, it's just you! I thought someone was swinging a bag of cats against the wall. Phoebe: You'd better get back in that kitchen Monica, the garlic is not gonna overuse itself. Monica: Ok, you have to stop playing now. Phoebe: Why? The only person my playing is bothering is you! Monica: Oh yeah? Ok, let's settle this, come on! Phoebe: (while Monica drags her in the restaurant) Get your garlic-peelers off me! Monica: (to the restuarant customers) Excuse me, excuse me, hi, I'm Monica Geller..I'm the head chef here.. (pauses as if waiting for something).. Ok, I was actually expecting a little applause there, but whatever! Ok, quick question: by a show of hands, how many of you were bothered by this woman's singing outside? (a few people raise their hands) Phoebe: Ok, ok, how many of you enjoyed the music outside? (a few people raise their hands) Ha! Monica: Alright, let me ask you this question: How many of you thought the music was fine, but not in keeping with the tone of the restaurant? (a few raise their hands again). Phoebe: Ok, well, who identified the tone of this restaurant as pretentious comma garlicky? Monica: Ok who thinks the food is delicious and a little pretention never hurt anyone? (a few raise their hands) Phoebe: Ok, well, alright, who thinks the food is fine, the music was fine, but your evening was ruined by this incessant poll taking? (all raise their hands). Monica: Excuse us! (then to Phoebe) Alright here's a question: Who was so worried about her restaurant being fancy that she made a big deal about her friend playing her music and feels really bad about it now? (raises her hand) Phoebe: Oh...Who was so stupid and stubborn that she lashed out against her friend's cooking which she actually thinks is pretty great! (raises her hand) Monica: I'm sorry... Phoebe: I'm sorry too... (they hug) Monica: ooohh... hey! Wanna stick around and I'll whip you up some dinner? Phoebe: Yeah! As long as it's free! Food here is ridiculously over-p... (Monica seems to take it amiss) Phoebe: (smiling, raising her hand) Who's hoping the hand raising thing is still cute enough that you won't hate me? [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Rachel walks in] Rachel: Hey! Joey: Hey! Rachel: Joey, do you have peanut butter on the back of your head? Joey: (Touches the back of his head and licks his fingers) Oh man! I thought I got it all! Rachel: (looks puzzled) How...how...? Joey: I was making a peanut butter smoothy, right? Rachel: uh-huh Joey: And I couldn't find this little plastic thing (holds up plastic thing) that goes on top of the blender...and I thought...well... how important can that be, right...? Turns out very! Rachel: (to herself) Wow...definitely just Drake... Joey: What? Rachel: What...how is it going with Drake? Joey: Oh...I don't think it's going very well... Rachel: What...that scene I saw was so good! Joey: Well, I'm feeling really insecure about the one we are shooting tomorrow... Rachel: Joey, is this that thing that you do when you say you're bad so I'll give you a compliment? Joey: A little. Yeah no, I really am worried, you know, I mean I have to make it convincing that I'm in love with Olivia. Rachel: So? Joey: So...I've never played that! Rachel: Ooh! Honey, it can't be that hard, I mean, you've been in love before? Joey: Uh...well...just once...with you... Rachel: Ok...this could be a little awkward...I'm just going to blow past it... well can't you just use that method actor thing where you use your real life memories to help you in your performance? Joey: (looks at her for a moment) What the hell are you talking about?? Rachel: (shakes her head) Alright, alright look, just uh... just try to remember how you felt when you were in love, and think about that when you're playing the scene. Joey: (approvingly) Oh! ok, yeah, I think I can do that. Yeah ok, there's this party scene coming up.. and Olivia and her husband are there and all Drake wants to do is grab her and kiss her, but he can't... And that makes me think about all those times when I wanted to grab you and kiss you, but you didn't know so I would just pretend everything was cool, but really, it was killing me. Rachel: (looks touched) Joey, you never..you never talked about that before... Joey: Well.. hey, you know what else I could use? There's a scene where Drake sneaks into Olivia's bedroom, and she doesn't know he's there - which never happened with us! And he knows he shouldn't be there, but he just wants to look at her... you know? (In a romantic voice) And I remember all those mornings before you even put on your make-up, when I would think to myself, my God, she...is... beautiful... (Rachel looks very moved) and it hurts so much, cuz I knew I could never tell you (pauses, while looking at her with sentiment) but it was worth it just to be there looking at you. (Joey and Rachel continue to look at each other in silence for a while) Joey: (excited) Thanks dude!!!This is GREAT!! (leaves Rachel very touched on the couch and goes into his room) Closing credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartement, Monica is at the kitchen table writing something and Chandler enters kitchen area] Chandler: I got you something from Vermont! (Sits down at the table) Monica: (without looking up from what she's doing) Besides tampons and salt? (Then looks) Ooh! My God! Maple candy! That's so sweet of you. (Opens the box) That's weird...it's empty! (Then Ross enters) Ross: (sounds excited) Hi you guys! what's going on, you... you guys wanna hang out...or...? (Looks around the room nervously) do you...do you guys hear a buzzing?

After seeing him practice and then film a scene from Days of Our Lives , Rachel develops feelings for Joey. Phoebe performs at Monica's restaurant, much to Monica's dismay. Chandler plans a weekend away in Vermont with Monica, but has to take Ross instead.

fd_Charmed_04x07

fd_Charmed_04x07_0

[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper and Phoebe are looking in the oven.] Piper: Damn it! These ones are burnt too. I'm losing my touch. (She pulls a tray of cookies out.) Phoebe: Oh, no, it's okay, sweetie, they're just a little crisp. (Piper puts the tray on the table.) You know, personally I am glad that you're not a chef anymore. I'd probably be 300 pounds. Piper: Maybe I should make another batch. Phoebe: Um, Piper, remember when you told me to tell you when you're obsessing? Piper: I'm not obsessing. I just want everything to be perfect, that's all. Phoebe: Yeah, but Piper, it's a baby shower, not a Royal wedding. Besides, don't you think you're doing enough already? (She gets a glass out of the cupboard.) For god sakes, you're hosting the thing and you're not even close to Wendy anymore. Piper: That is precisely why I'm doing all of this. I swear to god, in the last couple of years we've vanquished more friendships than we have demons. (Phoebe takes an empty milk carton out of the fridge.) Phoebe: Got milk? Piper: Somebody forgot to put it on the list again. Phoebe: Okay, well, we have to be patient. You know, it's gonna take Paige more than a week to adjust to living here. Piper: Still, there are common courtesies, common sense, rules. Phoebe: Yeah, but you have to admit, it's nice to have the Power of Three under the same roof again. Piper: Right. Grab those. (Piper walks out of the kitchen. Phoebe picks up two baskets filled with baby stuff.) Phoebe: So cute. (She follows Piper into the dining room.) Aunt Phoebe sure would like to throw one of these for you one day. (Piper knocks over a chair.) Piper: Damn it! Paige! Phoebe: You're changing the subject. Piper: No, I'm ignoring you. (They walk into the living room.) Phoebe: Well, you can't ignore that beautiful little girl of yours that we saw in the future, and if my math is right, you and Leo better start, you know, right about now. Piper: Phoebe, we saw a lot of things in the future that won't be happening now. Phoebe: I know. But that doesn't mean you can't have kids. I mean, don't you wanna little kid? Piper: Not with demons dropping in all the time, (Cole shimmers in.) I don't. Cole: Phoebe? Phoebe: Hold that thought. Generations of Halliwells fought demons and had kids. It didn't stop them, why should it stop you? Piper: Did it ever occur to you that maybe this is none of your business? Phoebe: Oh, that's besides the point. Cole: Phoebe. Phoebe: How does Leo feel about this? Piper: I haven't talked to Leo about this. Phoebe: Well, don't you think we should? Piper: We? (Cole puts his fingers in his mouth and whistles. The girls yelp.) Phoebe: Yes, Cole, what is it? Cole: Okay. Freeze the room fast, then unfreeze only me. Piper: What? Why? Cole: Just do what I say and I'll explain after. (Piper freezes Cole and the room.) Phoebe: Please don't blow him up. Piper: I'll try. (Piper unfreezes Cole.) Cole: The rest of the room still frozen? Piper: Cole, we're the only ones in the room. Cole: You're not actually. There's a chameleon in the house. Phoebe: A lizard? You're worried about a lizard? Cole: This chameleon is a demon. One who can transform into any object just to spy on you. (He grabs a chair.) Piper: Trying to tell me the manor is supernaturally bugged? Cole: Uh-huh. Has been for some time, apparently. It explains why the Source hasn't attacked you in a while. He's had his chameleons watching your every move, gathering inside information. Look around. What's not supposed to be here? (The girls look around. Piper spots Paige's ugly-looking cane chair with bright red cushions.) Piper: Hmm. (Piper blows up the chair. Cushion stuffing flies everywhere. Cole goes over to it.) Phoebe: Piper, I think that was Paige's chair. Piper: Yeah, I know, exactly. (Phoebe smiles. The grandfather clock chimes.) Cole: Uh, the room just unfroze. (Phoebe spots an odd-shaped lamp.) Phoebe: Where'd that lamp come from? (The lamp transforms into a demon. Piper and Phoebe scream. The demon uses his power and they fly over the couch. Cole throws an energy ball at him and wipes his arm off, sending green goo over Piper's baby baskets. The demon's arm grows back.) Piper: Cole, get back! (Piper tries to blow up the demon, he ducks, and blows up the grandfather clock instead.) Damn it, we just got that thing fixed. (Paige walks down the stairs holding a washing basket and wearing earphones. The demon runs in front of her and Cole throws another energy ball. The demon ducks and Paige orbs out before the energy ball hits her. The demon gets up and shimmers out. Paige stands there in shock.) Paige: What the hell happened? Piper: The freakin' furniture just attacked! Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe is lying on the couch. Leo goes over and heals a wound on her forehead.] Leo: Do you know how long the chameleon demon was in the house? Phoebe: I don't know. The lamp has been here for at least three days. Maybe more. Piper: what do you think he wants? Cole: I told you. Gathering information. Piper: But for what? For why? Cole: For the Source's next attack. (Paige walks in with half her broken chair.) Paige: Excuse me. Is there anyway to claim this kind of damage on our home owners insurance policy? Piper: Usually not. Paige: Usually? What do you mean? I can expect my furniture to be blown up again? Phoebe: Get ready for the unexpected. That's rule number one in the Halliwell manor. Piper: Wanna learn the rest? Phoebe: Um, maybe now's not the time? Considering we have to figure out a way to find this demon. Leo: Well, you could try scrying using his blood. Piper: And we've got plenty of that. Although, I don't know what good it would do to find him now. Whatever he's learned he's already told the Source. Cole: Except that he might also know what the Source's plan is. How he's going to attack. Find him, we might be able to find that out. Paige: I know. What about pooling our money into a fund to cover anybody's damage no matter who's it is. Phoebe: Um... (The doorbell rings. They all look at each other. Piper and Phoebe cautiously go to the door. Piper quickly opens it.) Woman: Whoa! Scared me. Hey, Phoebe, it's been a long time. (Phoebe waves.) Hey, sorry I'm late, we should go. Piper: Go? Woman: To the shower. Wasn't I supposed to pick you up? Did I mess up? She looks in her day planner. Piper: No, no, you didn't, Becca. There's just some stuff going on here. Becca: So what else is new, huh? Do you want some help with the party baskets? (She starts to walk in but Phoebe stops her.) Phoebe: No! No, it's just I'm afraid something came up and Piper can't... Becca: Oh, no, don't tell me that you're not gonna come. Everyone's so looking forward to seeing you again. Piper: Oh, really? Oh, they are? Well, th-then we can't disappoint them. W-We'll get some stuff at the market on the way there. Phoebe: Will you excuse us for one minute? (She closes the door.) Wh-Are you outta your mind? You can't still go. Piper, we have to scry for that demon. Piper: Well, it doesn't take three sisters to scry. You and Paige can do it and then call me when you find him. Phoebe: Piper! Piper: Phoebe. Look, okay, the bottom line is if I'm ever gonna have kids, then I need a life first, which means I need to be a human first and then a witch later. Okay, got it? Good. (Piper tries to open the door and Phoebe stands in the way.) Outta the way! (She gets the door open.) Hi! Bye Leo! Leo: Bye! (She leaves with Becca.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Underworld. A cave. The demon is there pacing back and forth the Source appears behind him. He spins around.] Source: You have failed me. Demon: I beg to differ. Aside from finding Belthazor, everything I've learned from the Charmed Ones... Source: May all be for not now that they've exposed you, Alaster. The element of surprise was equivocal to my plans success. Alaster: You can still use the information to capture one of the... Source: That's not what I needed the information for. Capture one is easier. Tricking one into giving up all their powers was the ultimate goal. That's why I needed to learn everything about their hopes, fears, their dreams. Alaster: Then accelerate your plans. Use me to capture the one you want. After all, they'll be after me now. Source: Yes, they will won't they. (The Source changes to look exactly like Alaster.) But then why not cut out the middle man. (He vanquishes Alaster. He turns and makes the oracle appear on a rock.) It's time, Oracle. I must know now which of the sisters do you see to be most vulnerable to my plan. Oracle: Well, each is vulnerable in their own way. But the eldest seems to have the most resistance to the craft. Her yearnings appear to be her most weakness. [Scene: P3. Piper's friend's baby shower. Piper is sitting next to a pregnant woman. They are laughing. She opens a gift and pulls out a cute baby jacket.] Woman: Oh, how cute is this1 Oh, Piper, this is adorable. Where did you get this? Piper: Uh, a little shop in the embarcadero. They have the cutest things. Woman: Thank you so much. For everything. Piper: You're welcome. (They hug.) Woman: We have so much to catch up on. Piper: I know. We will. (She gets up and goes and sits down next to Becca. She sees her smiling.) What? Becca: Nothing. It's just good to see you out and about again, that's all. Piper: Yeah, after Prue died it took some time to... Becca: Yeah, but even before that. It's almost like the last three or four years you've just kinda disappeared. Piper: Yeah. (Piper's phone rings. She hangs up.) Becca: Oh, no, don't tell me you have to go. Piper: Uh, no, it can wait. (Leo orbs in near by. He motions for Piper to go over to him. She pulls a face.) I'll be right back. (She gets up and goes over to him.) What are you doing here? No guys allowed. Leo: I tried calling your cell phone but it went dead. Paige and Phoebe think they found the demon. Piper: Already? They did? Are you sure? Leo: Yeah. You have to go now. Piper: How am I supposed to have kids when I can't even be at someone else's baby shower? Leo: What? Piper: Nothing, never mind. I'll meet you outside. The least I can do is say goodbye. (She goes over to the pregnant woman.) Uh, Wendy, I'm sorry, I've gotta go, something's come up. Wendy: Ugh, now? But we haven't even had the cake yet, you're gonna miss the best part. Piper: Ugh, I know. Story of my life. I'll see you later. (She walks away.) [Cut to the manor. Everyone's there.] Paige: So we've got the spell to vanquish the chameleon but we're not gonna use it. I don't get it. Leo: Well, you vanquish him only if you have to. The goal here is to try and interrogate, find out what the Source is planning. Paige: Okay, but I'm thinking that this guy's not gonna be so eager to spill his guts. Cole: Oh, he'll spill. I make sure to that. Phoebe: No, you can't come, he saw you with us. Probably means the Source has some bounty hunter ready to attack you, or capture you, or something. Cole: So what else is new? Phoebe: Well, it doesn't make it any less dangerous. Paige: So the question still stands. How do we get a demon to stop and chat with us. Phoebe: Well, Piper can freeze him and unfreeze his head, she's done that before. How do you feel about that? Piper: I don't know. Cole: Why, you got a better idea? (Piper sits on the couch.) Piper: Maybe. We could tell him to offer the Source a deal instead. Leo: Deal? What kind of a deal? Piper: Well, something like, he stops coming after us and we stop going after him. Phoebe: What? (Phoebe sits down on the coffee table in front of her.) Piper: Of course that would mean we'd have to stop going after all of his demons too, which would be fine by me. It would stop all of the constant attacks. Paige: (to Cole) Am I the only one who thinks she's bumped her head? Phoebe: You can't be serious, Piper. Piper: Actually, I've never been more serious in my life. Think about it. This could be an opportunity for us to get out of the demon fighting business once and for all. Leo: Wait, and what, just give up on your destiny? Piper: How do you know we haven't already fulfilled it? I mean, god knows, we've saved scores of innocents already. Maybe that's enough. Maybe it's time for some other witches to take over and let us get on with our lives. Isn't it worth a try in exchange for what we might be getting? No more putting things on hold, vacations, friends, kids. Phoebe: We can't give up now. We are so close. We have to take out the Source if we can. And if not just for our sake, then for Prue's. Piper: Fine. I just hope we don't end up where she did. (She walks away.) [Scene: Alley. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there. They have the scrying map out.] Piper: Something's not right. We've checked both alleys twice. Phoebe: Well, the chameleon's gotta be here somewhere because the crystal never lies. Paige: I don't know about you guys but I'm getting a not so good feeling about this. Piper: Alright, we'll check one more time and then we'll call it quits. Phoebe, you and Paige go check that alley, I'll go check that alley. Phoebe: Wait, split up? Are you sure that's a good idea? Piper: Maybe it'll lure him out, who knows? If you get nervous say the vanquishing spell. Keep your eyes peeled, he could be anything. (Paige and Phoebe disappear into an alley. Piper starts walking down another alley. A shadow follows Piper. Alaster/The Source appears behind her. She turns around and tries to freeze him. He just shakes it off.) Alaster/The Source: Were you expecting me to freeze? Piper: Phoebe! Paige! (He throws an energy ball at her. Phoebe and Paige run into the alley. Alaster/The Source picks her up and flames out. Paige gasps.) [Scene: Piper's mind. She is unconscious on the floor of the manor, which is now a psychiatric hospital. Leo, dressed in a white doctors coat, leans over her.] Leo: Piper. (Piper groans.) Piper. (She holds her head.) Are you okay? Piper: Ow. My head hurts. Leo: I bet it does, you hit it pretty hard. Are you alright? Piper: I think so. What happened? Leo: What always happens when you have one of your episodes. You threw yourself against a wall. Piper: Episodes? I didn't throw myself. What are you wearing? (Other people in the manor get noisy. Piper looks around.) Leo: It's okay, those are just the other patients. (She stands up.) Piper: What the hell is going on? Leo: It's alright. You're at the sanitarium. Your home. (Piper looks at him, confused.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Piper's mind. Manor. Continued from before. Piper walks into another room. Leo follows.] Piper: What happened to our furniture? Leo, what are all these people doing in our house? Leo: Our house? Piper, Halliwell Hospital is hardly our house. All these other people live here too. Piper: Halliwell Hospital? Is that some kind of a joke? What's wrong with you? Leo: Please, calm down. Piper: No, Leo, I will not calm down. Something very strange is going on, something demonically strange. That demon must have cast a spell, and changed the house, and changed you. Phoebe. (She walks away.) Paige? (A doctor grabs her.) Doctor: Easy, lady, relax. Piper: Let go of me. Leo, don't just stand there. (Alaster walks in.) That's him, that's the demon. Alaster: Demons again. Piper, we've been through this thousands of times before. There are no demons, they're just figments of your imagination. Piper: Wanna bet? "Evil hiding in plain sight, I use this spell with all my might, to stop you changing form and shape, this vanquish seals your fate." (Nothing happens.) Doctor: Doesn't really rhyme, does it? Sorry. Piper: I don't understand it. That spell should've worked. Alaster: Piper, why do you insist on demonising me and every psychiatrist who's ever tried to help you? Piper: Let go of me. (She struggles to get free.) I gotta blow him up, I'm gonna blow you up! Alaster: He violent impulses are returning. (to another doctor) Hey, straight jacket! Doctor #2: Yes, doctor. Leo: Piper, why won't you let Dr. Alaster help you? Piper: I don't need his help, I need your help. Get this guy off of me so I can use my powers. Leo: Piper, you don't have powers, you're not a witch, you don't save innocents, you never did. Piper: What? (Paige drops something in the other room and two doctors grab her.) Paige: This isn't fair! This is my house too! (The doctor carries her past Piper.) I can do anything I want! You're hurting me! Piper: Paige, Paige. A demon took over the house. Orb the heck outta here! Alaster: Take her to isolation so she doesn't hurt herself. (A doctor tries to put a straight jacket on Piper.) Piper: Wait, wait a minute, you don't understand. Wait. Leo! Leo: It's for your own good. Piper: Wait a minute. Hey, hey, you're making a big mistake. Please, listen to me for a second. He's a demon. Alaster: I'm not gonna give up on you, Piper. We're gonna free you of these delusions, I promise you. Piper: Shut up! Phoebe! Phoebe! Alaster: I can give you everything you want if only you'll let me help. (The doctors carry her away.) This illness has already consumed more than three years of your life. [Cut to the underworld. A cave. Alaster/The Source, Oracle and Piper are there. Piper is floating lying down over a flat rock, and Alaster/The Source has his hands over Piper's head.] Alaster/The Source: Don't let it rob you of anymore. You're not a witch, you only think you are. (He floats her down and breathes heavily.) Oracle: What's the matter? What happened? Alaster/The Source: It's just taking more magic than I realised to project into her mind. Oracle: More than you have, perhaps? I only mean to caution you. This is weakening you, making you vulnerable. Alaster/The Source: With the bounty I seek will make me more powerful than ever. Oracle: If you can get it. Alaster/The Source: Nobody knows more about the Charmed Ones than I do. I know how to break her spirit. I know her Achilles heal. In her deepest heart she never wanted to be a witch. And she feels an obligation to her powers. Oracle: Yes, but you said her powers won't work in her illusion. Alaster/The Source: They won't. Once she learns that painful lesson, she'll willingly give hers up. And with them, her sisters too. [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Phoebe, Paige and Leo are there. Leo is trying to sense Piper.] Paige: Anything? Leo: I can't sense Piper anywhere. Paige: Does that mean that? Phoebe: No. He wouldn't have taken her if he wanted her dead. (Cole shimmers in, covered in slime.) Cole? Oh my god. Cole: I'm alright. I just found out that Piper's in the underworld, I think the Source has her. Phoebe: The Source? A-are you sure? How do you know? Cole: From another chameleon demon. I kinda 'squeezed' it out of him. Phoebe: Well, we gotta find her. There's gotta be a spell in here somewhere. (She picks up the Book of Shadows and has a premonition of the Source taking the BOS and killing Phoebe and Paige.) Cole: Phoebe? Phoebe: I saw the Source stealing the book and killing us with our powers. Paige: Our powers? How can he get our powers? Cole: Maybe he's figured how to get them from Piper. Explains why he's keeping her alive. Phoebe: No, but she can't give them up herself. Leo: Well, she can using the relinquishing spell in the book. Phoebe: But we burnt that spell three years ago, it doesn't exist anymore. Leo: It does in her mind. Phoebe: That's crazy. She'd never say it, she'd never give up her powers. Paige: Even though she was kinda willing to this morning? I'm just saying. Phoebe: Look, I know what you're saying but you don't know what you're talking about. I'm sorry. Paige: Forget it. Leo: (to Cole) Maybe you and I should go down there, see if I can sense her. Cole: Follow me. (Cole shimmers out and Leo orbs out.) Phoebe: Okay, there's a bunch or summoning spells we can try. [Scene: Piper's mind. Halliwell Hospital. A room. Piper and Paige are strapped to the bed.] Paige: I thought you said I wasn't good enough for your little coven. Piper: Paige, you are under a spell, you don't know what you're talking about. Paige: I tried to be your friend, I even tried to play your stupid witchy games, but all you could do was complain about me and my stuff and how we didn't compare to your beloved Prue. Piper: I've never said that. Paige: Hmm, you don't have to. It's obvious the way you treat me. You don't even like me. Piper: Paige, that's ridiculous, we're sisters. Alaster: You don't have any sisters, you're an only child, Piper, you know that. (He walks up to the cage door.) Piper: I'm gonna be so happy when I vanquish your sorry ass. (He opens the cage door and walks in the room.) Alaster: You use it to explain things you can't accept. Just like your best friend did before she got well. Prue. Piper: Don't you dare talk about Prue. Paige: Here we go again. Say Prue. Alaster: You've never forgiven her from finally accepting that she wasn't a witch. You've convinced yourself that she's dead. Piper: She is dead. Alaster: No, she's not. We released her three months ago. She's recovered, she's free. Just like you could be if you'd stop fighting it. Accept the reality. Piper: Let me out of these restraints, I'll show you some reality. Alaster: I'm afraid you'll just hurt yourself again. I'm truly sorry. (Alaster leaves the room.) Piper: Leo! Leo! Paige: Ugh, will you stop with the Leo, Leo. You're driving me crazier than I already am. Piper: Ughh! (Phoebe skips in, eating a cookie.) Phoebe, Phoebe, untie me, hurry, hurry. Phoebe: Alright, alright, stop obsessing. (Phoebe goes over to her.) Piper: I'm not obsessing. What are you eating? Phoebe: Chocolate chip cookie. Not your best. Paige: Got milk? Ooh, don't think so. (Phoebe unbuckles Piper.) Piper: Just get me out of these things, we need to reverse this damn spell. (Phoebe gasps.) What is it? What did you see? Phoebe: I saw the back of my eyelids, what do you think I saw? Piper: Oh, no, Phoebe, not you too. Paige: Hurry up, looney tunes, get me outta here. (Phoebe unbuckles Paige. They stand up.) Piper: Alright, I don't know what the hell is going on here, but we've gotta get to the Book of Shadows, and since evil can't touch it, it's still gotta be in the attic. Right, right, right? Let's go. (They run out of the room.) [Cut to the hallway. Medical equipment is lined up against the walls. Piper and Paige sneak down.] Piper: Alright, the first thing we gotta do is... Where's Phoebe? Paige: Who cares? (Phoebe catches up to them, holding a broom.) Phoebe: Sorry, had to grab my broom. Piper: For what? Phoebe: Well, for flying, silly. (They hear a man yelling from the attic.) Uh-oh, another innocent to save. (She hops on the broom and runs upstairs.) Piper: No, Phoebe, wait! (They follow her.) [Cut to the attic. The girls enter. Cole is lying on a chair with tubes stuck to his face. A doctor is sitting beside him.] Cole: You can't hurt me. I'm the mighty Belthazor. Phoebe: Stop it, he's not evil anymore, he's good! (Piper takes the broom and hits the doctor over the head. He falls back onto some chairs.) Paige: Mmm, well he sure flew. (Phoebe runs over to Cole and kisses him on the cheek. Piper and Paige go over to her.) Piper: Hi, stop that. Has anybody seen the Book? Phoebe: I know where it is. I hid it so the doctors... I mean the demons wouldn't find it. (Phoebe runs over to a small cupboard, reaches behind it and pulls out a notebook. She takes it to Piper.) Piper: What? What is this? (She looks at it and someone has hand written "The Book of Shadows" and drawn a very odd-looking triquetra on the cover.) Uhh. (She opens it to a very messy "Ice Cream Man" page and flips over to see a very funny drawing of Belthazor.) Oh god. You are nuts. Okay, I don't understand how a demon could take the book out of the house. Unless this isn't the house. Okay, I gotta get you two outta here, maybe that'll break the spell. Paige: How come the spell didn't work on you? Hehehe. Phoebe: Don't question the rules. Piper: Come on, we'll go down the trellis. (She goes over to the window and opens the bars.) Phoebe: What about Cole? I never get to spend any time with him. Piper: Uh, we'll come back for him later. Come on, come on. It'll be fun. Hurry, hurry. Faster. (Phoebe and Paige climb out the window. Alaster walks in.) Alaster: Don't. (Piper climbs out the window. Alaster smiles a little.) [Cut to outside. The girls run to the sidewalk, almost bumping into some people.] Phoebe: I think we lost him. Piper: Wait a minute, everything looks normal. But this, this is wrong. We should go back and try to get the demon to talk. Paige: I'm thinking he's not gonna be so eager to spill his guts. (A thief steals a woman's purse and runs across the road.) Piper: Hey! (Piper runs onto the road.) Paige: Piper! (A car heads straight for Piper. She tries to freeze it but nothing happens. The car hits Piper, she rolls onto the front of the car and rolls back off hitting the ground hard.) [Cut to the underworld. Piper is bleeding from the mouth. Alaster/The Source floats Piper down.] Alaster/The Source: I believe she's just learned her lesson. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe and Paige are there reciting summoning spells.] Phoebe, Paige: "Power of the witches rise, course unseen across the skies, come to us who call you near, come to us and settle here. Blood to blood I summon thee, blood to blood return to me." (Nothing happens.) Paige: Any other spells you can think of? Phoebe: No. I don't know what else to do. If Leo and Cole can't find her... (Paige gets an idea.) What is it? Paige: Leo said something about the power of relinquishing spell being in Piper's mind. Phoebe: I told you, she'd never say it. Paige, you don't know her as well as I do. Paige: No, but I am getting to know the Source. He likes to play tricks on peoples minds. I mean, god knows, he did with mine, he almost had me kill again, remember? Phoebe: Yeah, go on. Paige: Well, maybe that's what he's trying to do to Piper, get into her mind somehow. I mean, if that's where the spell is. Phoebe: Then that's probably where he's looking for it. And if he can get into her mind, then why can't we? (She starts flipping through the Book of Shadows.) [Cut to Halliwell Hospital in Piper's mind. Piper is asleep in a bed. She has cuts and bruises on her face. Alaster waves something under her nose and she wakes up quickly.] Alaster: Easy, easy. (Piper groans.) You've had a terrible accident. Piper: What did you do to me? Alaster: You got hit by a car. The driver said you didn't even try to get out of the way. Piper, this delusion that you somehow have magical powers is going to get you killed one day. Piper: Shove it. Where are my sisters? Alaster: You mean your roommates. They're safe downstairs. Piper, how can I save you if you won't save yourself? You have to want to. You have to will it. Otherwise you just remain lost in this fantasy world of yours. Piper: It's real, and you're just trying to confuse me. Alaster: No, no, I'm trying to help you. Piper, your psychosis is forever in belief that you're magical. But you know that's just an escape. Piper: Escape? What escape? Alaster: From some deep seated pain, some terrible loss. Most likely the death of your grandmother. Which is after all when these series of episodes began. And your pain. You can do it. In one of your sessions you mentioned a poema... a spell you called it. One that relinquishes the special powers that you think you have. Piper: No. Go away. Alaster: Say the spell, Piper. It'll free you, I promise you. It'll release you from all the, the crippling delusions you have. Piper: Get out. Get away from me, get out! (He stands up.) Alaster: You have the power to give you the life you've always wanted. (He walks to the door.) All you have to do is stop putting the illusion of being a witch in front of it. (He leaves and closes the door. She throws something at it.) Piper: Leo. Leo, where are you? [Cut to the underworld. Leo and Cole are there. Leo is trying to sense Piper. Cole is hiding behind a rock wall.] Cole: (whispers) Leo. Leo: She's hurt. Cole: Where is she? Leo: I don't know, I can't get an exact reading. (An energy ball hits a rock near them. Cole looks around the corner and throws an energy ball at the bounty hunter, missing.) Cole: Try harder. Leo: I can't. The Source must have learned from last time, he's blocking Piper's signal. (The bounty hunter throws another energy ball.) Cole: Well, we have to find the Source. Leo: How are we gonna do that? Cole: There's only one way. Leo: Cole. (Cole steps out and the bounty hunter throws an energy ball at him. He falls to the ground. Two bounty hunters go over and drag him away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Halliwell Hospital. Piper is laying on a bed. Leo sits down beside her.] Leo: Hey. Piper: Leo. Heal me, please. Leo: This ought to help. (He pulls out a needle.) Piper: No, not with that, with your powers. Leo: If I had powers, honey, I would use them. You know that I would. (He sticks the needle into Piper.) Leo: It kills me to see you like this. (She looks at him and smiles.) What? Piper: White lights. I see white lights all around you. Leo: That's the pain killer. Piper: No, you're my Whitelighter. Leo: Dr. Alaster says there's a way for you to get better. Is that true? (He wipes a bit of blood off Piper's lip.) Piper: I-I don't... Leo: If it were then we can be together. We wouldn't have to keep sneaking around, breaking the rules. Piper: Rules? But we're married. Leo: No, only in your fantasy world. But it doesn't have to be that way. If you were to get better, then we could be married for real. And have that little girl that you've been dreaming about in the future. Come on, I wanna show you something. (He picks her up.) [Cut to the underworld. The two bounty hunters walk in the cave. The Oracle walks over to them.] Oracle: What are you doing here? Leave now. Bounty #1: I don't think so. (They drop Cole on the ground. The Oracle smiles.) Bounty #2: Tell the Source we've captured Belthazor. Oracle: Leave him. I'll make surer you get the credit. Bounty #2: We're not going without our bounty. Oracle: Then you'll wait. (The Oracle walks over to Alaster/The Source.) Alaster/The Source: I have a surprise for you, Piper. [Cut to Halliwell Hospital. Alaster opens the door to a beautiful garden.] Alaster: One that I think you'll like. (Leo wheels Piper out in a wheelchair. Two butterflies flutter near her and she holds out her hand.) Leo: You see, there's magic in the real world too. Alaster: Your friends have come to visit you. (Becca, Wendy and some other women walk up to her.) Becca: Piper, how are you? Piper: Becca? Becca: It's so good to see you again, we've missed you. (Wendy shows Piper her baby.) Wendy: We've got so much to catch up on. Piper: Wendy, when did you have your baby? Wendy: Just after the shower. Don't you remember? Do you wanna hold her? Here. (She puts the baby in Piper's arms.) Isn't the outfit you bought her just adorable? (Piper starts to cry.) Becca: What's the matter, honey? Why are you crying? Alaster: I think it's probably best if you all go now. Becca: But we just got here. And everyone's so excited to finally see her again. Alaster: I'm sorry. You understand. (Wendy takes away her baby. Piper cries. They all say bye and leave.) Leo: You can have this life, Piper. We can have it together. You already know how to get it for us. It's the only way you'll ever get out of here. To free yourself once and for all, to free us. Piper: The spell. Leo: Yes. The spell. (He hands her a pen and paper.) Try to remember it. Exactly. (He kisses the top of her head and walks away.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe and Paige are there. They have the Book of Shadows open to a page. Phoebe lights some candles.] Paige: Are we sure we wanna do this? Phoebe: This was your idea, remember? Paige: Well, in the abstract, yeah, but, uh, I have enough trouble being in my head let alone someone else's. Phoebe: Well, our minds won't actually be in Piper's body, just our consciousness. Kinda like astral projection. Paige: Okay, so the spell gets us in her head. What about after that? Phoebe: We use the reversal spell to get us out. Are you ready? (They kneel inside a circle of candles.) I'm not about to lose another sister. And neither are you. (They join hands.) Phoebe, Paige: "Life to life and mind to mind, our spirits now will intertwine; We mould our souls and journey to, the one whose thoughts we wish we knew." (They collapse on the floor.) [Cut to Piper's mind. Garden. Phoebe and Paige pop in the scene.] Phoebe: I think it worked. Paige: Either that or we're in Mary Poppins' head. (Phoebe turns to see Piper.) Phoebe: Piper. (They run over to her.) Piper. We're gonna get you outta her. Okay, I have the spell. Piper: No, no more spells. Phoebe: Piper, honey, it's us, your sisters. Piper: I don't have any sisters. Go away, leave me alone! (Alaster storms out of the house.) Alaster: You're too late. Her nightmare's about to end. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Piper's mind. Garden. Two doctors have a hold of Phoebe and Paige.] Alaster: Keep 'em here. I want them to witness this. And no threats, your powers don't work here. Paige: Oh, yeah? Spell! (Nothing happens. The doctor jerks her.) Ow! Alaster: Pain, however, you do feel. And will after she recites the spell thrice. Once for each of your powers. (Leo walks out.) Phoebe: Leo. Help Piper, get her outta here. Alaster: Yes, Leo, by all means. (Leo wheels her down the path.) Leo: It's okay. Piper, honey, just say the word and everything will be alright. (Phoebe and Paige try to escape from the doctors grip.) Paige: No! Piper: "From whence they came return them now..." Phoebe: Piper, don't! Please, Piper, don't. Piper: "Vanish the words, vanish our powers..." Paige: Don't trust them, they're trying to steal our powers! Alaster: Don't listen to them. Leo: They're still delusional. Alaster: You're not. Leo: Not anymore. Alaster: Just two more times. [Cut to the cave in the underworld.] Alaster: You'll set yourself free. (Leo looks around the corner.) Say the spell, Piper. You know you want to. Leo: Come on, Cole, wake up. (He orbs out and orbs back in front of the two bounty hunters.) How you doing? (He orbs back out. The bounty hunter throws an energy ball, vanquishing the other bounty hunter. Leo orbs in behind the bounty hunter, taps him on the shoulder and knocks him out. Leo races over to Cole.) Cole, hurry, wake up. Oracle: (to Alaster) Finish this, you're in danger. (The bounty stands up. Cole wakes up and throws an energy ball at the bounty hunter, vanquishing him.) Leo: Piper. (He runs over and the Oracle tries to stop him. He pushes her out of the way. He tries to get to Piper but a protective shiled pushes him across the room. Cole throws an energy ball at Alaster/The Source but the shield protects him. he throws another and another.) [Cut to the garden in Piper's mind.] Piper: "Vanish our powers." Alaster: One last time. (Phoebe elbows the doctor and trips him.) Phoebe: Now! (Paige moves her head and Phoebe punches the other doctor.) [Cut to the cave. Cole throws many energy balls at Alaster/The Source.] Oracle: Break the connection or he'll kill you! [Cut to the garden. Phoebe kicks Alaster.] Alaster: I told you, you're too late. [Cut to the cave. Cole throws another energy ball and Alaster/The Source flies back.] [Cut to the garden. Alaster, Leo and the doctors disappear.] [Cut to the cave. Alaster/The Source stands up and touches his bleeding side. Alaster screams and changes back into the Source. Cole gets a large energy ball ready.] Oracle: No! (She runs in front of the Source and Cole throws the energy ball, vanquishing the Oracle. The Source flames out.) [Cut to the garden.] Phoebe: Piper, please, don't do this. Our magic is a gift. Please don't throw is away. Piper: "From whence they came, return them now." [Cut to the cave. Leo holds his hands next to Piper's head.] [Cut to the garden. Leo pops in the scene.] Leo: Piper, don't. (He goes over to her.) Listen to your sisters, trust them. Trust me, don't say the spell, don't relinquish your powers. (Leo heals her wound. She looks around and points to Leo.) Piper: (normal) Are you really my husband? (He laughs.) Leo: Yes. Piper: And that would make you two really my sisters. Phoebe: Whether you like it or not. Piper: And so that demon is gone? (Phoebe nods.) Thank god, (she stands up) because that guy was freaking me out. Paige: Whattaya say we uh, click our heals and get out of this crazy joint? Uh, no offense. Piper: That's okay. (She watches some butterflies fly past.) My life has always been a little crazy. [Scene: Manor. Piper runs down the stairs and goes through all the rooms. Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Cole come down the stairs.] Phoebe: Is something wrong? Piper: No, everything is just right. Paige: Except for my chair. (Phoebe nudges her.) Piper: Yeah, which, um, I'll actually pay to replace. Paige: Oh, god no, it's not your fault. Or is it? Piper: Actually, yeah, it was. I was just upset that there was yet another demon in our lives. And I know I should stop fighting it and just accept it but... Paige: Nah, it wasn't my favourite chair anyway. And it's actually kinda good to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with the idea of being a witch. Phoebe: No, believe me, you're in good company. (She hugs her.) Leo: Well, the good news is you won't have to deal with the Source any time soon because Cole hurt him pretty bad. Cole: Not bad enough though, he'll be back. Phoebe: So, he's gone for now isn't he? First time in a long time. I think we should take advantage of that. Cole: Why, Ms. Halliwell, are you trying to seduce me? (He pulls her in.) Phoebe: Always. Piper: Eww. (Leo laughs. Phoebe and Cole run up the stairs.) Paige: Okay, and I'm just gonna... go to the store, get some milk, or something. (She leaves.) Leo: Sure you're okay? Piper: Yeah. You know, I-I'm never gonna stop wanting a normal life, but you know what? I think that's the one thing that actually keeps me sane. Leo: Well, you deserve a normal life, Piper. We both do. And maybe we'll get that when we vanquish the Source once and for all. Piper: And who knows. Maybe one day I can have a baby shower of my own. What do you think? Leo: Well, in that case... (He picks her up.) We need to practice a little. Piper: Leo! (They orb out.)

After being warned about the chameleon demon by Cole, Piper wants to give the source an agreement of peace. When Piper, Phoebe, and Paige go to vanquish a demon The Souce kidnap Piper and brain wash her. The Source sends Piper into a deep coma, where she perceives an alternate reality thanks to a demon named Alastair. Everyone in Piper's alternate reality plays on her deepest desire. Phoebe and Paige must find a way to return her to reality and save her from giving up their powers while she is delusional. Leo ultimately comes and heals Piper's mind which brought her back to reality.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_13x07

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_13x07_0

PLANET OF EVIL BY: LOUIS MARKS Part Three Running time: 23:50 [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Doctor! Do something. SORENSON: There is nothing to be done. VISHINSKY: He has disappeared into the vortex between this universe and the next. SARAH: No, not the Doctor! He can't be dead. SORENSON: He has ceased to exist. Controller, it is nearly night. We must prepare to launch. SALAMAR: I agree. Vishinsky, see the Professor Sorenson's mineral samples are removed. SORENSON: No. No, you can't leave those canisters behind. SALAMAR: Those minerals are endangering the safety of my command. They must be jettisoned. SORENSON: You arrogant young fool. The whole purpose of your command was to get me and that positron material back to our cosmos. SALAMAR: So that you can be hailed as the saviour of civilisation? No, Professor. My orders were simply to find your party and get back. SORENSON: If you abandon that material, you destroy years of my life's work. SALAMAR: You are a civilian aboard a military vessel. There will be no further argument. [SCENE_BREAK] DE HAAN: Carry them in, carry them out. That ought to be the Space Service motto. MORELLI: Yes, well, they've changed their minds. DE HAAN: Yeah, well they could have changed their minds first, couldn't they? I mean, just for a change. MORELLI: Listen, de Haan. The Controller simply wants us to take these canisters outside the take off forcefield area, right? DE HAAN: Right. MORELLI: Right. DE HAAN: It's only another fifty yards multiplied by ten. [SCENE_BREAK] DE HAAN: Half my service I spend flying one way, the other half I spend flying back again. They should pay me for staying in one place. MORELLI: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Doctor! Doctor! Doctor. DOCTOR: Sarah, Vandervelt's equation of knowledge. Quite wrong. SARAH: Doctor, come on. Come on. The spaceship, it's leaving. Doctor! Doctor! Doctor, wake up. Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] DE HAAN: All the canisters are off the ship, Controller. SALAMAR: Good. We'll go for immediate take off, Vishinsky. VISHINSKY: Commence pressurisation and pre-ignition checks. REIG (OOV.): Pre-ignition checks commenced. SALAMAR: Recall the oculoid. VISHINSKY: Cancel that! SALAMAR: What? VISHINSKY: The oculoid picture. Look! VISHINSKY: Cut the forcefield. SALAMAR: Are you taking command, Vishinsky? VISHINSKY: He's alive, Salamar. SALAMAR: There are higher priorities than recovering corpses. VISHINSKY: I'm going out for them. SALAMAR: We must leave this planet before night. Prepare the sick bay. [SCENE_BREAK] SORENSON: No. SORENSON: While still on the surface of Zeta Minor, and within the stable environment of the space probe, positron elements showed a twenty, a twenty percent increase in flux activity. This would seem to indicate a substantially greater, a greater, argh. [SCENE_BREAK] VISHINSKY: Electro-function almost non-existent. SARAH: But he's still alive. VISHINSKY: Raise the stimulation intensity twelve degrees. DE HAAN: But that's way over safety margins. VISHINSKY: Do it! SARAH: He moved! DE HAAN: Don't expect too much. SARAH: What? DE HAAN: They often move under stimulation. It's the nervous system. VISHINSKY: He's breathing. SARAH: He's coming round. Doctor. Doctor? SALAMAR (OOV.): Stand by for take off. Vishinsky to command area. VISHINSKY: He'll be all right. Stay with him. SARAH: Vishinsky. Thanks for helping us. [SCENE_BREAK] MORELLI: Pressurisation complete, Controller. SALAMAR: Activate cyclostimulators. MORELLI: Power jets locked in. SALAMAR: Prepare for ignition. Take the countdown, Vishinsky. VISHINSKY: If we don't make it this time, we never will. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Doctor. DOCTOR: What's the noise? SARAH: You're all right. We're taking off. DOCTOR: What? But the canisters. I promised. SARAH: It's all right. They've been dumped. Your promise as a Time Lord? Well, what happened? DOCTOR: It's difficult to explain. SARAH: Well try. What did you do, enter another universe and have a chat with it? DOCTOR: I communicated. SARAH: We seem to be having trouble again. DOCTOR: Oh! Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] VISHINSKY: We're not going to make it. SALAMAR: Activate secondary boosters. REIG (OOV.): Secondary boosters activated. VISHINSKY: The syncronisers are hitting red. MORELLI: Gravity drag increasing. SALAMAR: I want ten seconds of maximum fuel burn. VISHINSKY: That's crazy! You SALAMAR: You heard me. Ten seconds. MORELLI: Gravity drag still increasing. Height only thirty miles. VISHINSKY: That's more than gravity. There's antimatter still aboard! SALAMAR: All the canisters were removed. DOCTOR: Except for this. SALAMAR: What's that? DOCTOR: Antimatter. How else do you think I survived that pool? SALAMAR: Is there enough there to hold us back? DOCTOR: Yes. SALAMAR: You idiot. Morelli, get that to the jettison hatch fast. [SCENE_BREAK] DE HAAN: Hey, Morelli, when are we going to get some lights down here? Do you think the command area's the only place anyone's working? DE HAAN: Morelli? Morelli! DE HAAN: Morelli. [SCENE_BREAK] REIG: Height, two hundred miles. VISHINSKY: We're in free space, but we're losing speed again. SALAMAR: Drag is still increasing. I don't understand it. DOCTOR: Then I suggest you search the ship. SALAMAR: Oh? Why? DOCTOR: Because there must still be antimatter aboard. It's the only explanation. SALAMAR: Impossible. VISHINSKY: Salamar, we're burning fuel at thirty units over norm. At this rate we'll never make the stellar systems. SARAH: But that means we'll be marooned in space! DOCTOR: If we're not vapourised first. SALAMAR: Vapourised? What do you mean? DOCTOR: Antimatter in collision with matter causes radiation annihilation. A release of energy more powerful than nuclear fission. SALAMAR: There is no antimatter aboard this ship! DOCTOR: And I tell you there is. DE HAAN: Controller! Controller, Morelli's dead. SALAMAR: Dead? DE HAAN: He's been killed by some sort of an animal. VISHINSKY: Animal? DE HAAN: I saw it in sector three. VISHINSKY: Restore all walkway lights. All right, de Haan, come on. Show us. [SCENE_BREAK] SORENSON: It's all gone so wrong. SORENSON: Yes? REIG (OOV.): Report at once to sector three. Controller Salamar wants to see you. SORENSON: What for? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Well? VISHINSKY: The pathology readout is identical to the others. Total dehydration. Even the bone marrow. SARAH: But how could that thing get on board? VISHINSKY: I don't know. The forcefield was operating all the time the hatch was open. It was phased to cut in automatically. DOCTOR: I wonder. [SCENE_BREAK] SALAMAR: You're a scientist. You must have formed some theory. SORENSON: All the deaths appear to have been caused by a technology unknown to us. That would seem to implicate the Doctor and the girl. SALAMAR: Why? SORENSON: Well, they're aliens. SALAMAR: But they were in the command area when Morelli was killed. SORENSON: That machine in the quarantine berth might contain the answer. [SCENE_BREAK] VISHINSKY: Crew records. What denomination was Morelli? DOCTOR: Can I see the printout? VISHINSKY: Of course. REIG (OOV.): Morelli was Morestran Orthodox. VISHINSKY: Oh, one of those. SARAH: What are you doing? VISHINSKY: Disposal procedure. We may have to play the last rites but we don't have to listen. VISHINSKY: Another good soldier gone to the greatest army of them all. SARAH: Out into space to drift forever. VISHINSKY: It's clean and tidy. SARAH: It's horrible. DOCTOR: Vishinsky, I'd like a medical check on everybody aboard the ship. VISHINSKY: Why? DOCTOR: Because someone is contaminated. SALAMAR: Yes, Doctor, and we want to examine that space machine of yours. DOCTOR: Why? SALAMAR: We believe you to be responsible for all the deaths. Unless you cooperate, I shall kill you and the girl without compunction. SARAH: Oh, great. That's the thanks you get for helping people. DOCTOR: What is all this? VISHINSKY: The Doctor risked his life on our account. SALAMAR: That was a ruse to gain our confidence. His real intention is to destroy us. DOCTOR: Why? For what reason? SORENSON: There are other civilisations as desperate as we are for new energy sources. My discoveries on Zeta Minor would be of immense value to them. DOCTOR: Professor Sorenson, has it ever occurred to you that you might be mistaken? That there is no practical method of exploiting antiquark energy? SORENSON: Oh no, you're wrong. I've spent my life discovering alternative energy. REIG (OOV.): Controller Salamar. Calling the Controller. SALAMAR: What is it, Reig? REIG (OOV.): We're in trouble, sir. The ship's stopped moving. SALAMAR: That's impossible. [SCENE_BREAK] REIG: Sir, the progress register has stopped. We're making no headway. [SCENE_BREAK] SALAMAR: I'm coming up. Professor, watch the girl. You, come with us. SARAH: There's no need to. I'm not going to jump out, am I. SORENSON: What is your friend's field of science? SARAH: Oh, everything. He's brilliant. SORENSON: And he's wrong. He has to be wrong. Antiquarks come in three configurations, exactly as I predicted. All my theoretical calculations have proved this! We shall find a way of discovering the energy! SARAH: All right. I'm not arguing. [SCENE_BREAK] VISHINSKY: We're stationary. Suspended in space. SALAMAR: It's crazy. The thrusters are still at full power. DOCTOR: The answer's really very simple. You've come to the end of your piece of elastic. SALAMAR: What are you talking about? DOCTOR: It won't stretch any further. In fact, very soon it will start to pull you back. SALAMAR: Nothing can do that. DOCTOR: Antimatter can. There's still some aboard and this proves it. VISHINSKY: You mean the ship will be dragged back to Zeta Minor? DOCTOR: Yes, faster and faster. Until, of course, we reach the surface, then we'll stop with a bang. The only way to prevent it is to find the antimatter. SALAMAR: You're diverting attention from what's really causing the trouble. You! You and whatever's in that machine of yours. Something that's draining the power from this ship. DOCTOR: Salamar, you're wrong again. SALAMAR: We'll see. Vishinsky, take charge here. [SCENE_BREAK] SORENSON: Antimatter is simply matter composed entirely of antiparticles. Therefore, the hypothetical energy available, available, is, is stupendous. SARAH: What's wrong? Are you all right? SORENSON: Yes. Yes, I'm [SCENE_BREAK] DE HAAN: Oh, Professor, I DE HAAN: Argh! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Usually I only entertain friends in the TARDIS. SALAMAR: Shut up. Open it. DOCTOR: Externally, as you can see, it resembles a London police box. SALAMAR: Open it! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR (OOV.): Sarah! DOCTOR: Sarah, what happened? SARAH: I caught a glimpse of that thing. It was horrible. DOCTOR: Antiman. SARAH: Antiman? DOCTOR: A hybrid creature running amok. SALAMAR: Don't move! De Haan. You've killed de Haan! DOCTOR: Oh, now listen, Sa SARAH: Doctor! SALAMAR: No! They killed de Haan. VISHINSKY: Some thing killed de Haan. SALAMAR: Let's get rid of them before they kill us all. Take them to the ejector chamber. Hurry! [SCENE_BREAK] SALAMAR: Prepare to eject. SARAH: You can't do this! It's murder! VISHINSKY: She's right. You have no evidence. You cannot do it. SALAMAR: How much evidence do you want? The whole crew dead? Eject! Eject. VISHINSKY: No, Salamar.

The Doctor makes a deal with the Anti-Matter Beast to return all the anti-matter to the planet but Sorenson is determined to continue his research.

fd_The_Office_05x11

fd_The_Office_05x11_0

Dwight: What is this? Jim: Happy Holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas. Dwight: You're so pathetic. How long did this take you? Three hours? Jim: Five minutes actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping. Dwight: Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. [scoffs] Well, I hope it was worth it, cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes. Jim: I think it'll take you a little longer than that. Dwight: Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my -- [sets briefcase on desk and sits in chair, desk and chair are made of paper, Dwight crashes to the floor] [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: Eh... Phyllis: I'm sorry. It's the largest one I have. Stanley: I will not be the big guy in the tiny hat. [Kevin is wearing the same hat] [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: This is the first Christmas party I am throwing as head of the party planning committee. The theme is "Nights in Morocco". This isn't your grandmothers Christmas party. Unless of course she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey, Phyllis, do I need this invite to get in to the party? Phyllis: Yes. Michael: Awesome. I think this is going to be the best Christmas party ever. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Angela. You're going to move this for the party right? It's not on theme. Angela: It's the nativity scene. Phyllis: Alright. You can keep your camel, sheep, elephant and the north African king can stay. Everything else goes in the drawer. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will though and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: I need you to get rid of the tree. Angela: But-- Phyllis: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Oh, I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be black mail, it would have to be a formal letter. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Ah. You brought in your doll collection. Dwight: These are not dolls, Jim. These are commodities. Same as gold or oil. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year it's a doll. Half girl, half unicorn. Catchphrase: "My horn can pierce the sky". Pathetic. I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks. And as lazy parents become desperate I will sell them for an enormous profit. Isn't that right princess? [makes doll nod] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: That's the Christmas spirit. Dwight: I am simply punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to get their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that. How does that happen? King has s*x with a unicorn? Man with a horn has s*x with a royal horse? Jim: Yes. Michael: Oh, hey, is that Princess Unicorn? I thought they were all sold out. Dwight: They are now. Michael: Cool. [sings] My horn can pierce the sky. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of Splenda. Call it a one of everything. Meredith: [drinks] Oh... my... GOD!!! [laughs] Hit me again. Michael: Alright... One more time around the block. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I will grant you one wish. Pam: I wish that you'd stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way. Jim: Stupid. Everyone knows to ask for a hundred more wishes. [Pam laughs] Dumb. Andy: [sitting on floor playing the sitar] Hey, hey... Ange... check it out. [sings] There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance. [laughs] Angela: Really Andy? It's Christmas and your singing about nudity and France. Andy: [sings] There's a hole in the wall where the men can see it all. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Jim, Jim.... Jim: What is it? Michael: That is vodka and I mixed it with orange juice. I call it an orange-vod-juice...ka. Jim: Wow, that is delicious. Michael: Yeah. Jim: Can't believe no ones thought of that. Michael: I know. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: [dancing drunkenly] Ahh yeah!! [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: [continuing to dance, lifting her shirt] Belly dancing! [SCENE_BREAK] Guy buying doll: 120, 180... 200. Dwight: All right. Guy: Thank you so much. My daughter is going to love this. Dwight: Oh, so glad I could help. Guy: Thanks. Dwight: Merry Christmas. Guy: You too. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-ka-ching. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [sighs] Oh, so this is what every day would be like if you hadn't left India. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Meredith's hair is on fire] Oh, oh, oh, oh! Dwight: We got a live one! On fire!! [Dwight extinguishes Meredith] [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: I'm all right. I'm all right. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: We're back on the 5th, should we just do it then? Michael: Can not do it then. Monthly dental appointment, soft teeth Oscar: What about February 2nd? Jim: Ah... would you want to do it on Groundhogs day? Michael: No, no. I celebrate privately. Jim: That's cool. Michael: Why don't we just do it now? We'll do it quickly. Oscar: Now? It's our Christmas party. Michael: We'll do it quickly. Jim: Well what if we can't do it quickly. Michael: [mimicking] What if we can't do it quickly? What if we cant do it-- Oscar: Do you know how to do an intervention? Michael: Hey, shut up. Here we go. Everybody gather up. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: An intervention. It's sort of hard to describe, but really its-- it's a coming together... it's a surprise party for people who are-- who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: It looks like we're going to be here for awhile, so why don't you make a little plate of hummus for everyone. Little triangles of pita, toasted on both sides, fanned so you can easily can grab them. Angela: I don't-- Phyllis: And napkins... fanned. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay, how do you feel? Meredith: A little better. I threw up. Michael: Uck... T.M.I. Kevin: Fire girl. [looks around] Too soon? Jim: Yeah. Michael: Okay, you know what I thought we should do is have a quick intervention and then get back to the party. Toby: Michael, we are only allowed to talk about Meredith's work performance. We can not ask her to stop drinking. Michael: I am not asking her to stop drinking. I am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic. Meredith: I'm not an alcoholic. Michael: Yeah, obviously you are. Okay, everybody who thinks that Meredith is an alcoholic please raise your hand. [everyone raises their hand] Dwight: Aye. Michael: The aye's have it. Meredith: I don't care what everyone thinks. I know I am not an alcoholic. Michael: Alright, well, let's look at this a little bit closer then shall we? [pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was puke. I would chug a fifth of socos, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, puke, rally, more soco, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I had let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B's. They called me Buzz. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Meredith, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberately change your state of mind? Meredith: Sure. Michael: Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday? Meredith: Obviously. Michael: Have you ever under the influence of alcohol questioned the teachings of the Mormon church? Oscar: Where did you get this? Michael: I got it on a website, that's not important. Toby: Michael, We should contact some experts. You don't know what your doing. Michael: Okay, you know what Toby? One of my employees is undergoing a crisis and I wish for just once you would take my side on this. I'm doing your job man. Hey, are you texting? Kelly: Yeah, 'cause this is kind of a drag. Michael: Alcohol is a drag. Yes. Here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith how her alcoholism has affected us. I'll begin. This Christmas party is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to, but then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this. That's how your drinking affected me. Anybody else? Another time when Meredith's drinking affected you? Come on people. If we don't say anything she's not going to get any better. [Kevin raises his hand] Yes, Kevin. Kevin: Well, Meredith, there was that one time you bought movie tickets and then you got too drunk to go, so you gave them to me. And that was really cool. Michael: That's-- you didn't-- you weren't hurt by that. Kevin: Yeah, you said affected by it. Thanks again, Meredith. Meredith: You're welcome. Michael: Okay, no, that's not what we're going for. Who has a problem with Meredith's drinking? It has to bother you. It bothers me. Right? How does it bother you? Dwight, don't you have anything? Dwight: No, I like Meredith. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Actually, I don't care for Meredith, but I don't believe in this kind of thing. In the Schrute family we believe in a five fingered intervention. [holds up his fist] Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Who is going to tell us the latest dirty joke? Who is going to tell us what you watched on television last night? Meredith: I am fine. Michael: Was John Belushi fine? Was Bob Hope fine? Hey-- come here. If anything ever happened to you, I would be very angry at myself for not doing all that I could do. Meredith: I know I drink. I like to party Michael: I want you to say I'm an alcoholic. Meredith: I am not an alcoholic! Michael: You can say it as loudly as you want, but we're not going to believe you. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: I was waiting until later to hand out this years gifts from corporate. [holds up shot glass] I don't think they're appropriate anymore. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Please stop making me do these things. Phyllis: Oh, sorry, it's your job. Angela: But it's the season of mercy. Phyllis: You never showed me mercy when you were in charge. Why aren't you wearing the hairnet? Angela: I lost it. [Phyllis glares at her until Angela pulls out the hairnet and puts it on] Phyllis: Ok... nice. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do. To p0rn. Michael: [amid groans from the rest of the office] Alright, no, no, no. No. That is the image, I think we can all agree is very disgusting. But you know what, Meredith, you lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow.? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead? Dwight: I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Everyone in this room loves you, but mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore. The next time you light yourself on fire we are not going to help put you out. Dwight: Oh, as fire marshal I would have to. Michael: Dwight-- Dwight: She is a hazard to the other people of the office. Michael: [sighs]...okay. Dwight: I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well ventilated area. Jim: Yeah, but you're gonna need a permit for that. Dwight: Oh right, that'll take a couple of weeks. Creed: I can get you one in an hour. Dwight: Really? Toby: Okay you know, this-- this is over. Stanley: I agree. Jim: Michael, I think... you did the best you could, but this is bigger than all of us. Michael: Enabler! Enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler. It's Christmas and we are turning our back on somebody who is asking for help. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. That's my only wish. But you know what? My wishes never come true, so I'm not going to wish that on her. I-- a watch would be nice. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [watching Meredith and Michael talk in his office] They've been in there for 45 minutes. Pam: I know. If she wasn't an alcoholic before, she is now. [Jim laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: That's a halwa shabkia cookie. They serve it during Ramadan. [Angela spits her cookie out] Stanley: Mmmm... chewy. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Andy playing the sitar] Hey. Andy: What's up? Jim: Do you take requests? Andy: Sure. Jim: Please stop. People are having a Christmas party. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [whispers to Meredith] I'll be down in a minute. [walks over to Toby] Could you write down the number of that rehabilitation center that you mentioned? Toby: Sure. Wow. [Michael throws a pen at his head] Ow... [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: We just missed Poor Richards. Michael: We did? Meredith: Yeah, I thought we were going out for a drink? Michael: Oh, shoot. Oh well, we'll have to go someplace else then I guess. Meredith: The Bog? Cooper's, Kelly's... Michael: We could go there, sure. Meredith: ...Brixx's, Carmen's... Michael: Yes, yes. Meredith: ...The Fort, Andy Gavin's. Michael: I have a new place. Meredith: Well, it must have just opened up. Michael: It-- yep, recently. Meredith: Yeah... all right. Michael: All right. Meredith: Enough of this Christmas crap. Let's get some party music. [changes radio station] Yeah! Michael: Yeah, oh there you go. Meredith: Yeah! Michael: That's good. Meredith: Yeah that's better. Michael: We're party girls. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: [on phone] Hey Sasha, it's daddy. Have you ever heard of this doll , Princess Unicorn? Sasha: [shouting excitedly over the phone] Daddy, daddy, daddy!! Toby: No, No, No. No, I'm just curious if you've heard of it. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: This is great. My ex-wife's going to be so pissed. [chuckles] For once daddy's gonna be a hero. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: $200. Darryl: Yo. Toby: Hey, I'd like to buy one of your dolls. Dwight: Oh, that's my last one. Toby: Oh, no, I-- no, no, I was gonna buy that doll. Darryl: Thanks man. Toby: I was-- I was gonna get the doll. Dwight: Not my problem. Toby: But I-- I promised my daughter. Darryl, look-- I-- I need the doll, I need the doll. I-- I'm-- I'm begging you. I just-- I need it more than anything in this world. I need this doll. Darryl, man I need this doll. Darryl: All right man, don't cry. It's cool. I'll let you get it for $400. Toby: I only have $200. Darryl: You can owe me. Toby: [laughs] Oh man, thanks, thank you, [tearing up] thank you, thank you. Darryl: I know, right. Merry Christmas. Toby: Oh thanks. She's gonna... [notices the doll is black] oh... Darryl: Something wrong with the doll? Toby: No. It's even-- it's even better than the one I wanted. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Sunrise Rehab? No! No! No! I told you no! There is no way! Michael: It's okay. It's all right. Meredith: No way! There is no way! No way! Michael: Meredith, we are doing this for your own good. Okay. Come on-- Meredith: No way! No way! There is no way! Michael: Here we go. This is gonna be good. Meredith: No! No way! I told you. We talked about this. There is absolutely no way. No! No! There is no way! No! No! I am not going in there! I am not going in there! Michael: Yes you are. [tries to pull Meredith from the car] Meredith: I am not going in there! NO!! Meredith: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just wait! Just wait! Michael: Shhh... just calm down. Meredith: [runs away] Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! No! No! Michael: [chasing Meredith] Come on. Shh... Meredith: No! No! No! There is no way! There is no way! Michael: Here's the door. Here's the door. Meredith: There is no way! There is no way! No! No! Michael: [dragging Meredith on the floor into the rehab center] Let's start meeting-- Hello. How are you? Meredith: This man is crazy! This man is crazy! Rehab Nurse: Can I help you? Michael: I have a deposit. Alcoholic. Meredith: No! No! No! No! No! Michael: So do I sign? Meredith: NO!!! [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: I need you to put the Christmas tree back up. Angela: It's outside. Phyllis: I didn't ask you where it was. I told you where it needs to be. Angela: Shut up. Phyllis: Excuse me? Angela: I'm not moving the tree. Face it. The only power you have over me is this big secret that I know you're not going to tell. And you want to know how I know that? Because then you won't be able to plan your stupid, tacky parties anymore. So you move the tree. Phyllis: Okay. [starts to walk away, then turns around] Angela's having s*x with Dwight. I caught them doing it after Toby's going away party. Dwight: Well don't look so surprised. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I knew it. Jim: You did not know it. Pam: I knew some of it. Jim: Everyone knew some of it. Pam: It's Christmas. Jim: You knew it. Pam: Thank you. I knew it. Jim: She knew it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: As it turns out you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um... I think I can do it. I did it with Jan. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: All right, everybody's still here. Perfect! Got a little surprise I've been working on. Angela, my bride, I just wanted you to know that for the rest of our lives, no matter the cultural milieu, I will always be there to bring you Christmas cheer. [sings] Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Tis the season to be jolly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Don we now our gay apparel. Fa-la-la-la-la-LA. Troll the little Yule tide carol. Roo-di-di-di-do. Roododododo. [laughs] Angela: I think I'd like to go home now. Andy: Sure. Dooo. Tough room. [chuckles] Come on. I just learned it. Just so you know protocol is a little round of applause. But, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Phyllis's Moroccan -themed holiday party is interrupted when Meredith's hair catches on fire during a drunken bellydance; Michael stages an intervention and attempts to force Meredith into rehab . Dwight makes a killing selling a popular Christmas toy-"Princess Unicorn". Phyllis continues to torment Angela on the Party Planning Committee. When she revolts, Phyllis shocks everyone by revealing Angela and Dwight's affair to everyone (except Andy).

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[Open on Justin in the shower. Brian's shower. Justin stayed over at Brian's. Justin walks out into the bedroom area and peers into the living room. Lindsay's all dressed up, twittering about, giving Brian directions about taking care of Gus. Gus is placidly lying in Brian's arms, drinking from a bottle.] Lindsay: So, he takes a nap around eleven and another one at three. Justin: Lucky him. Lindsay: Here are all the emergency numbers. Oh, if you wanna take him outside don't forget his little beanie cap. He looks so adorable. Justin: Does somebody see my other shoe? Brian: Oh, is that what I'm sitting on? I knew it wasn't one of my usual rubber toys. Lindsay: Brian, are you listening to me? Brian: Yeah, feeding time, nap time, beanie hat, I got it. So, he'll be fine, Lindsay. Lindsay: I know he will be and appreciate you're doin' this in such you don't noticed. But I have to go back to work, I have to attend this damn teachers conference. Brian: Well, maybe you meet a nice lady P.E. teacher. Justin: Don't worry. I'll keep an eye on him, too. Brian: I don't need you to keep an eye on him. Justin: I meant you. Brian: I'm his father; I'm not going to f*ck it up. [to Gus] Would you please tell them to give me some credit? Lindsay: I am. That's why I'm leaving him in your care. Brian: Bullshit. You're leaving him here because Melanie gonna go see her gently mother in Miami only back at Sunday. Lindsay: Here is my number at the conference. There you go. Brian: He's gonna be fine, mom. Lindsay: I know, dad. Brian: [to Gus] Are you ready to spend the weekend with your old man, sonny boy? [David's. Mike's on his way to work.] Michael: I'm off! David: Wow, wow. Michael, you wanna give me some hand with those stuff. I know there is a guest room upstairs. Michael: I'm sorry, I'm gonna move some of my stuff. So, when he's arriving? David: 7:30, if the plane's on time. Michael: You must be pretty exciting. David: I've been counting the days since summer. Michael: That's a long time. David: Yeah, well Oregon is a long way. Thank god for email. I'm on his Buddy-List. God, you're gonna love my son. You should see this kid. He's amazing. He's smart, he's funny, he can play tenor sax, he can do websites, he juggles. Michael: Great. When does he find times to do brain surgery? I mean, it sounds marvelous. David: He is. He's gonna love you too. Michael: How do you know that? David: Who wouldn't? [Dave opens up one of the boxes, and pulls out a pair of Captain Astro boxer shorts.] David: I have not seen these before. Michael: Well, maybe someday you just lucky you might. David: Have a good day at work. [Ted's office building. Ted and Emmett walk down the stairs to go to lunch. Emmett is wearing tight red plaid pants, and a furry red jacket, under which I hope to God is just a tight black turtleneck.] Ted: Couldn't you have worn something more discreet? Emmett: As long as your erogenous zones are covered, you're safely in the conservative column. Besides, I tried straight drag? And saw the light, thank God. Now, what you in the mood for? For lunch? How about sushi? Ted: Just what I need. Food poisoning. Emmett: OK, indian? Ted: Heartburn. Emmett: Ribs? Ted: Heart attack. You know what I could really go for? Tuna fish on white bread, double potato chips, cole slaw, vanilla pudding. Emmett: That's what you have every day. Dale: Ted? Ted Schmidt? [Ted looks up and sees a tall, beefy blond guy with spiky hair, carrying a briefcase.] Ted: Dale Wexler? Dale: Yeah, how long is it been? Ted: Years! [Emmett clears his throat.] Ted: Oh, this is my friend, Emmett. He's not from these parts. Dale: Nice to meet you. Emmett: You, too. Ted: So last thing I've heard you were setting up offices in Baltimore? Dale: And Cincinnati and now I'm here. Ted: You're doing so well -- of course, we all knew you would! Dale: Well, life's been good. How about you? Ted: Well, I'm still working for the same work. Dale: Christ, I would have thought you would have left Wershafter by now. Ted: Well, you know, his personal appeal and selfless generosity were just too hard to resist. Dale: Listen, I had to meet a client for lunch. This new Indonesian place, have you tried it? Emmett: Him? Ted: Um, no not yet, but I meaning to. Dale: Nice to see ya. [He left.] Emmett: Who was that? Ted: Someone who I went to Business school with. Emmett: He's cute. Ted: I thoughed so, too. I hear he's a real mover. He became a millionaire before he was thirty. Emmett: I wonder what his secret is. Ted: I'll probably never know. [Liberty Diner. As a man puts up posters for the "Leather Ball" -- mind you, these posters depict one guy in leather briefs bent over another guy in leather briefs] Michael: His 12-year-old jazz playing webmaster. What if he hates me? Justin: Who? Michael: David's son. Brian: f*ck him, he's just a kid. Michael: He's not just a kid. He is David's son. You know what that means. Justin: You're the wicked stepmother. Michael: What? Justin: The Whicked stepmother. It's like a fairy tale. Michael: Well, why don't you get your fairy tail back to work? Isn't there a toilet you need to spit shine? Brian: It's so pathetic, Michael. He is not gonna hate you. Michael: What makes you so sure? Brian: I'm crazy about you. What is with you? Michael: He's right. I'm the stepmother. I'm a stepmother! [Debbie comes up.] Debbie: Who is the stepmother? Brian: Mikey. Michael: David's son coming for weekend. Debbie: [to Gus] Look at you. You so beautiful. I swear to God, Brian, he look more like you every day. Brian: Yeah, but we're still working at the hair. Debbie: Where is Lindsay? Brian: She's at teachers conference. So I'm watching him for the weekend. Debbie: You? I wouldn't let you water my plants. Do you even know what a Huggie is? Michael: Here's a hint: It's not a sexual position. Brian: Of course I do, it's uh... uh... Justin, Debbie and Michael: A diaper! Brian: Yeah, I know all about diapers. I f*cking this guy for a while and see a big cooperation. He's like to wear diapers and I spanked him. Justin: Gross. Debbie: Kinky. Isn't this weekend the Leather Ball? I thouged your dance card were be full. Brian: It was tempting. But this year I'm trading in my leather jockstrap for rubber pants. [Brian lifts Gus out of the seat and holds him above his head. A guy wearing leather chaps over blue jeans saunters by, and he and Brian exchange The Look with Zoom Flash.] [The airport. Mike stares at the Flight information monitors until David taps him on the shoulder.] David: Michael, there is Hank. Michael: OK, here we go. [Hank walks up and David lifts him over his head, which Hank is way too old for, and it shows on his face.] Hank: Hey. David: Hey. Good to see you. I want you to meet somebody. Michael, this is Hank. Hank, Michael. Michael: It's nice to finally meet you, Hank. Hank: Wow, you're young. David: I've got a whole list of activities we're going to do this week. Just chock full! Michael: Pretty cool, huh? Hank: Yeah, cool. David: There is a new eximinate at the Science Center, and a cable car and a rock-climbing wall. [Back at Brian's, Gus has finally decided to display utter misery. The baby bawls away, as Brian frantically tries to get the pacifier in his mouth. Brian even puts the pacifier in his own mouth to show how it's done.] Brian: It's your pacifier, you should be sucking it! [The doorbell rings, and Brian stumbles over many baby toys in order to get to the buzzer.] Brian: It's about f*cking time, I ordered it over an hour ago! [Going back to the baby, he tries again to install the pacifier] Brian: Gus, think nipple. Think cock. Whatever get you there. C'mon. [Finally, Gus takes the pacifier, and all of a sudden he's fine.] Brian: Your old man's not so bad at this. [There's a knock on the door, and Brian snarls as he opens the door] Brian: You'd better not have forgotten the sesame noodles this time! I ordered this an hour ago -- [But it is Brian's dad.] Jack: Hello, sonny boy. Brian: Jesus. Jack: Well, you couldn't be more surprised if it was. Do you let me in? Brian: Yeah, sure. Jack: Hey, it's some place. Big as a palace. It looks like a dump from the outside. [Gus bubbels.] Jack: Hey, who's this? Brian: This is Gus. He's Lindsay's kid. You remember Lindsay? Jack: Tallish. Blonde. You used to take her out. She is a pretty girl. She has a cute son. She leaves him with you? Brian: Sometimes. So, what do you doin'? Wondering around town? A lady friend? Aren't you a little old for that? Jack: That's not it. Brian: Need money? Jack: No, I didn't come here for your f*cking money. Brian: Mom finally leave ya? Jack: I've got cancer. It start it in my lungs. But it's already spread. My brilliant doctors originally discovered during a routine physical last summer. Now it seems it's everywhere. Brian: Sorry. Jack: I would rather the warden to the honest but she insisted to tell you and your sister in person. So, you hear it from me. Brian: Thanks. [The Chinese delivery guy shows up] Guy: Hello? Sesame noodles. Didn't forget this time. [David's, the next morning. David pours orange juice into a couple of Mike's Captain Astro glasses.] David: You know Michael moved in a few weeks ago. So all the funny things you see around here, like, uh, Captain Astro? That's his. Hank: He must be even younger than I thought. [Mike, creeping down the stairs, heard that, and tries to creep back up.] Hank: Cisco is up! Cool. David: You read the stock page? Hank: Don't you? David: I stick to sports. [He pulls out a box of Cap'n Crunch.] David: Cap'n Crunch. Still your favor? Hank: Uh, actually, I only eat sugar-free, non-fat, organic mueslix. David: Well it explains why you grown up so much. You must be a foot taller than you were the last time I saw you. Hank: I wear a six shoe now. Dad bought me these awesome Adidas... I mean, Gary. David: Maybe I buy you an awesome pair of pants to go with those. Michael: Morning. David: Morning. Michael: Hi, Hank. How'd you sleep? Hank: Okay. How about you? [Mike, with a zoom-in flash, chooses to read more into that than there probably was. David kisses Mike] David: Keep yourself some breakfast. We leave in twenty minutes. Michael: What's the rush? David: What's the rush? I don't want to waste any time. We've got a million things to do. I'll get my wallet, and you guys get dressed. [Mike pours himself some Cap'n Crunch, as Hank inspects him from behind the stock pages.] Michael: So, you must be really happy to see your dad, huh? [Pause] He's been talking about your visit non-stop... Hank: Look, I didn't want to come here, okay? At all. My mom made me, so I just have to put up with it until I can go home. [And up goes the newspaper wall again. Mike's shocked. David jounces down the stairs] David: Guys, c'mon, let's go. Get dressed. We've got a big day. Pittsburgh's waiting for us. [Debbie's. Justin's making breakfast, and what looks like waffles and eggs and bacon for, like, thirty.] Justin: How you will your waffles? In peaches and grand Marnier, or with cherries and rum? Vic: Better yet, Wolfgang, why don't you save the waffles and just serve the sauce. Straight up. [Brian walks in, hauling Gus in his car seat.] Brian: Gus just puked all over me. Justin: Babies do that. Brian: All over my favorit lether jacket. Vic: [looking at Gus] A fashion critic already! Debbie: Look, who's here! Oh, can I hold him? Brian: Be my guest. Debbie: Oh, look at you! How are you, gordious Gus? Brian: He's aces, but I suspect he misses his mother's touch. Debbie: Oh, I take care of that! Brian: You know, if you'd be interested in satisfying your maternal urges for a longer period of time -- recreating the amber hues of Michael's childhood for an entire evening, for instance -- that could be arranged. Debbie: You want to go to the lea-ther ba-all, huh? Brian: Mmmh, your good. Debbie: Yeah, but your bargain the wrong babysitter. Cause I have the graveyard shift up at the diner. [Vic rummages through his arsenal of drugs, throws down an empty bottle] Vic: I'll be back. Debbie: You sure to wash it down with bottled water. None of that sh1t from the Susquehanna. Vic: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brian: It must be tough living with that. [Debbie really takes a look at him and realizes something's wrong. She hands the baby to Justin] Debbie: Brian, honey, you're not...? Brian: No. But my dad got cancer. Justin: Your dad's sick? Brian: He came over last night to tell me that. Debbie: Bri, I'm so sorry. How long he's got? Brian: A couple of months, tops. Debbie: Well, then, if you don't mind the free advice, from someone who's known you a lot longer than you've known yourself, you should tell him. Brian: Tell him what? Debbie: You know damn well. Don't play dump. He made a very big gesture in telling you about himself, and I'm saying you should return the favor. Brian: No f*cking way! My father hasn't known anything about my life for twenty-nine years -- or cared -- why should I bother now? Debbie: Because it's good for you. Brian: To tell a dying man that I'm queer? Debbie: To be honest. Brian: I'm always honest. Debbie: You think you are. How honest is it to let your father go to his grave without ever really knowing who his son is, honey? Look, I know you think he never loved you, but it might be a way to get through to him. For whatever it's worth. Before it's too late. Brian: If I wanted a therapist, I'd look in the f*cking yellow pages. Debbie: Yeah, but I'm a hell of lot cheaper, and I don't take off August. Justin: I bet he's hungry. Can I feed him? Brian: What are you doing tonight? [David, Michael, and Hank walk out of the aquarium over a bridge.] David: Man, isn't that aquarium incredible? Man, I could stare at those fish tanks forever! Michael: It seem so long. Actually it was just under five hours. David: This is so great! I love being here together. I mean sharing this just you, me, and Michael. Hank: Yeah, great (!) Michael: Can we take a break for lunch soon? All those fish made me hungry for chicken. David: Are you kidding me? We're get to the museum for dinosaur exhibit. Hank: Oh, I haven't been in the dinosaur since third grade. David: I love dinosaurs. Nice to know there's a creature actually older than me. Anyway after that we coul go to the driving ranch. No, your mother tells me your swings coming along. [Babylon! Let the Leather Ball commence! HDGBs dance, cavort, and suck face, sporting the latest in leather codpieces, leather collars, leather caps, leather bikinis. T&E watch the debauchery below. Ted's wearing jeans and a polo shirt, like always.] Ted: I can't believe you went out dressed like that. Emmett: My mother used to say, 'Find your best feature and play it for all it's worth.' So that's exactly what I do. [He then turns around. And, yes, he's wearing leather pants with the seat cut out.] Emmett: Besides, we're on the lether ball. Could you just least dressed for the occasion? Ted: I did! I wore a lether belt! Emmett: You are such a stick in the mud! Ted: Why, just because I don't want to look like a cross between a storm trooper and Roy Rogers? Emmett: Stop it, you're giving me a hard-on. [Two men walk by, one dragging the other by a leash and collar.] Emmett: I hope he's housebroken. Ted: Honestly, these people are too weird. [Brian stalks up to them, encased in leather and puffing on a stogie. He grabs Emmett from behind] Brian: Hello, Big Bottom! How would you like to polish mah boots with your tongue? Ted: Like I said. Emmett: What are you doin' here? I thoughed you had Gus. Brian: I found a sitter. Ted: Enjoy yourself. Emmett: Were are you goin'? Ted: To my leather recliner. That's about as kinky as I get. [The S&M show is about to start! Fascinated, he watches a man in a mask whip another man tied to... Close-ups of butt-cheeks clenching. Close-ups of the whip going back and forth. Close-up of Ted, wide-eyed and horrified, but unable to look away. When the whipper removes his mask and unties the other guy] Emmett: Oh, my God, isn't that...? Ted: Dale Wexler! Emmett: Well, now you know one of his secrets, dontcha? [David's bedroom. David, undressed and on top of the covers. Mike, who looks like he's getting dressed rather than undressed.] David: It was quite a day, huh? Michael: No sh1t. I saw more of Pittsburgh in twelve hours then I've seen my entire life. David: You know, every time I see him he's different. I have to spend the couple of days we have together just getting to know the new Hank, before he's gone again. [David finally realizes that Mike's getting dressed] David: Michael? Michael: Huh? David: Aren't you supposed to take off the clothes before you come to bed? Michael: Don't flip out, but I think I should stay at my old place tonight. David: What are you talking about? What for? Michael: I think Hank is uncomfortable with me here. David: Where you get that idea from? Did he tell you that? Michael: Not in so many words. The silences told me everything I needed to know. David: Well, you got give him some time, you know. To get to know you. Michael: I don't think he wants to get to know me, and I don't blame him. This whole 'Hank has two daddies' thing is too much for any kid. David: He had no problem when I was with Mack. Michael: No offense but Hank was a lot younger than. Now he's older and he's starting to define his own sexuality, I think it's pretty unsettling to see his dad and his new male lover. David: The only way he's going to get used to it is by having you around. Michael: Well, can't we easy in to it? You know start with the guest apparence and then built me up to host paring role? David: You're not going anywhere. Michael: It only will be for a couple of nights. David: No, not even for one night. Hank's gonna be fine. And so are we. Well, let's go out of these and in the bed. [Mike's wearing the Captain Astro undies.] David: I though those might be appreance. [SCENE_BREAK] [Babylon! Ted cautiously looks at the S&M equipment on the dance floor, until Dale walks up to him.] Dale: Ted? Ted: Hey, Dale. Dale: I thoughed it was you. But I said to myself, wait a minute, that can't be, not Ted Schmidt. So, this is a surprise. So, you, uh, a Daddy... a master...a slave? Ted: Actually none of the above. I just here as an observer. Dale: Yeah, that's what they all say. And then next thing you know, there they are in a sling with a bottle of poppers stuck up their nose and five guys fisting them. Ted: Uh, I guarantee that's not the case with me. A friend of mine dragged me here -- [Just then, Emmett is pulled past them by the cowboy they saw upstairs.] Emmett: Cowboy Bob lassoed me. He promised to take me back to his stable, tie me up like a squealing pig, and brand me! Yee-hah! Ted: [to Dale] That's my friend who's dragged me here. Dale: Now he's being dragged away. Lucky him. Ted: Yeah, well, I know you've probably got another slave you've got to work over, or whatever, so don't let me keep you. Dale: That was just a matinee. Stick around -- the next one is going to be really hot. Ted: Oh, I was on my way home. Dale: After work why you come over to my place for a drink. We can catch up. Ted: It's pretty late. Dale: Strictly as an observer. Showtime. [The Back Room of s*x. People in leather, having s*x. One-on-one s*x, two in a sling s*x, group s*x, you name it. It's a lot brighter in there than usual. Brian's there. He's already unzipped and has some Nameless Leather Guy all turned around and everything, when a bigger guy comes up.] Guy: Hey, little boy. Wanna come back to my place? Brian: No. f*ck you. Guy: You'd like that, huh? I can tell you need a Daddy. Brian: I said f*ck you. You're not my Daddy. I don't need a f*cking ...Daddy. [Frustrated, Brian pulls out of the Nameless Leather Guy and stalks away.] [Dale's house. Ted perches stiffly on the far end of the couch, staring at a copy of Domination magazine on the coffee table. Dale walks in wearing a plush white robe and carrying two scotch glasses. Sitting down in a chair opposite] Dale: I've been 'Mr. Leather' for the past three years. I've held regional and national titles. Ted: I'm, huh, impressed. And surprised. Dale: Surprised? Ted: Who would have suspected? Especially considering your other life. Dale: The one where I wear a suit and crunch numbers? Treat the clients with undeserved respect? That's not who I really am. Ted: And this is? Dale: It's amazing, Ted, how it's allowed me to expand my horizons. In other areas, too, even in business. Ted: So, being a leather daddy is the key to your success? Dale: Oh, you have no idea what can happen once...you give yourself permission. Ted: Permission to what? What -- to chain people up, to tie people down? Dale: Be the most liberating urban. Relinquishing control. Allowing someone else to give you pain, pleasure. Whatever you most fear and desire. Ted: Would you mind if I get into the bathroom? Dale: It's right downstairs. [down the intricate wrought-iron staircase, which leads to two doors. Ted picks the door on the right. Whips, chains, slings, chains, Tree of Pain, chains, you name it. Plus some more chains. Dale is fully stocked. Ted nervously backs into the room.] Dale: I see you've found my play room. Ted: I'm sorry, I get the wrong door. Dale: Or not? So, what do you thinking? So, like me to give you a little demonstration? Ted: That's okay actually I want to wash my hands. Dale: We'd both enjoy it. I always thought you were hot. Ted: You did? Dale: Vanilla boys are always the wildest. All that unfulfilled desires. [Dale takes off his robe, and he's still wearing his Master's costume underneath.] Dale: Why don't you allow me to introduce you to yourself? To the real Ted Schmidt. I promise I won't do anything you don't want me to. You say stop, and I'll stop. Ted: Stop! I'm sorry, I didn't come here to this. Dale: I know. You're just an observer. Ted: That's right and I think I'm seen enough. So, if you'll just excuse me. Dale: You know what I remember most about you? Every day in the school cafeteria, you'd have the same thing for lunch. I used to marvel how the menu never changed. I guess neither have you. Ted: Thank you for the ... drink. [Brian's loft. Mel holding Gus and screams to Brian.] Justin: I had no idea. Mel: He was going to give the baby hot milk. He didn't test it on his arm. Justin: I didn't know! Mel: I'm glad I walked in when I did. Gus could have been scalded. Justin: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Brian: What the f*ck are you doin' here? Mel: I came back from Miami earlier. And there was a message on my voice mail from Lindsay saying that she leave Gus here with you. So I came by to check on him and it's a good god damn thing I did. Pawning him off on anyone so you can go to a f*cking Leather Ball? Brian: Hey, Justin's not anyone. Justin: I love Gus! Mel: I know you do, honey. This isn't about you. [She hands Gus to Justin and faces off against Brian] Mel: This is about you, and what an irresponsible sh1t you are. Brian: Listen, I went out for a couple of hours. Mel: Yeah, well, you shouldn't have been 'cause the thing about parenthood is, you don't anonymous s*x breaks twice a day. Now, give me your car keys. Brian: Excuse me? Mel: I said give me your car keys so I can go get the baby seat out of the back of your Jeep. I'm taking Gus home. Brian: No you're not. This is his home. At least for this weekend. Mel: Sorry. Your privileges have been revoked! Brian: Don't f*cking tell me what my privileges are! I'm his father. Who are you? Mel: I may be no one, but at least I love him enough to know that his needs come before mine. Which is more than can be said about you. [The next day, David, Hank, and Michael play hockey at an outdoor rink. Well, David and Hank are playing. Michael's watching them from a bench on the sidelines. David makes a goal off of Hank and skates over to Michael.] David: Hank scored the winning goal in the Championship last year. Michael: Oh, of course he did. David: How came your sitting here on the sideline? Michael: I told you, I can't scate! David: Well, I'll help you. [Hank skates over to them as David struggles to keep Mike upright on the ice.] Michael: If God wanted me to be on ice, he would have made me a Vodka martini. I could use a drink about now. What is this, 'fags on ice'? David: No, that's the Olympic Figure Skating Team. [He finally gets Michael standing okay, when his cell phone rings.] David: Hank, will you help me with Michael? [While Michael and Hank desperately lean on each other, David skates leisurely circles around them while talking on the phone.] David: Dr.Cameron. Yes. Oh, your kidding? Uh-huh. Yeah, I could be there in a half hour. OK. One of the Penguins threw his back out. I'm sorry Champ, but I got to go. It won't be very long. Hank: No big deal. [Hank skates away.] Michael: But it's a big deal for me. Your leaving me alone with him? David: Not very long. Michael: We don't know each other very much. David: Well, your get to. Michael: You don't understand. David: I don't understand what, Michael? Michael: Well, he was looking forward to be with you. David: I'm not gonna be gone for very long. But here is the itinerary. You stick to that and you have a great time. OK, let's see in a little while. [After David leaves, Mike looks back at Hank, who just glides away from him without a word.] [Liberty Diner. Debbie hands Ted and Emmett menus as Brian joins them in the booth.] Debbie: So, how did it go last night, 'Daddy'? Brian: Would you mind not using this word in my presents? Debbie: Uh, grouchy huh? That's what happens when you tend to a tot, see? Not an easy job. I'm proud of you, Brian, huh? Sacrificing the Leather Ball? Emmett: Altruism is his middle name. Ted: Is that what the 'A' stands for? Debbie: I didn't think in a million years that you give up a event like this. So I tip my hat or should I say my wig? There you kid, protecting care of your kid. [Justin walks up at the end of that] Justin: Actually, I'm the one... Brian: [whispers to Justin] Give me up, and I'll tie your balls up so tight, they'll ache for a week. Justin: [whispers] Is this punishment? Brian: Mmmh, mmh. Justin: I helped. Debbie: Did you honey? Good baby. Emmett: All this talk about babies has given me a craving for the baby back ribs. Ted: I'll have the, uh -- Emmett: Tuna fish on white bread. Debbie: Double mayo. Brian: Potato chips with coleslaw. Justin: And vanilla pudding. Ted: Christ, am I really that predictable? Debbie: No, honey, you're just reliable. Ted: Thanks ever so. Emmett: It's just not your style to be spontaneous. Wild! Reckless! Ted: No, it's my style to never take chances, never let myself go, never put my ass in a sling. I mean, on the line. Debbie: Honey, it's only lunch. Ted: In that case, I'll have the Cajun catfish, the Thai noodles, and the papaya mango salsa on the side. Debbie: Letting go does not mean getting the runs. Brian: Give him the usual. It doesn't matter what you eat. You'll always be old, old, reliable Ted. [Pittsburgh at large.] Michael: You know, it's amazing how you can live in a city all your life, and never realize how many wonderful sights and attractions there are. For instance, who knew that there was something called 'The Scream Machine' at the Carnegie Science Center? Experiencing G-force was certainly a stomach-turning, nail-biting science education for me. [Hank says nothing] What made it even more memorable was the large pepperoni pizza we'd shared moments before. Hank: Can we go home now? Michael: What? And missed the "Monanga Hall In Point"? Look, I know this isn't easy for you -- you know, having a dad who's...well, different from other fathers, and I'm sure it doesn't make it easier seeing him with me. Hank: So he's gay. Big deal. I've only known about it since I was, like, nine. Michael: So, why you wanna be here? Hank: He drives me nuts! He's got to have every single moment planned: the Incline, the Museum, the Aquarium. I mean, that may have been fun when I was kid, but how many times can you see fish?! Michael: Why don't you ever tell him to back off? Hank: Have you ever tried telling him to back off? Michael: Good point. But he want you to have a good time. [Hank looks in one of the store windows] Hank: Oh, my God, check it out! Scorpionhead, #34! Michael: Holy sh1t, I've been looking for that my entire life! Hank: You, too? Michael: You even can't find it on ebay. Scorpionhead is so cool. Hank: So cool. The way he can... both: ...stink with his nose. Michael: You want to check it out? Hank: f*ck, yeah. [Brian pulls up into the driveway of the Kinney residence. Jack is cleaning out some boxes in the garage.] Jack: Hey, your mom is in the kitchen. Get yourself a couple coffee and give me a refill. Would ya? Brian: I'm not here to see her, actually. Shouldn't you be taking it easy? Jack: I have plenty times to take it easy. This used stuff... I need to... I want giving it an order. [Jack pulls out a bowling ball and tosses it at Brian.] Brian: This was the ball you used with... Jack: ... my bowling team. You used to come with me when you were a kid. You remember that? Brian: Yeah. Jack: I always hoped you take it up. Brian: Listen about the other night. Jack: I know, I should have called before I dropped in. Like the warden says, 'That's what they make telephones for.' [Jack drops the box he's carrying. Brian picks up the box for him] Brian: We need to talk. Jack: You know I think it's the first time I heard you say that? Brian: Yeah, that's because this is the first time I ever have. I just thought maybe we could, uh... Jack: Sneak it under the wire? I've got some books, here... Brian: I'm gay. [Jack pauses, startled, then turns around] Jack: Well, you picked a hell of a f*cking time to tell me you're a fairy. As if I don't have enough to deal with. Jesus. You're the one that should be dying, instead of me. [He tries to walk away, but Brian grabs him and makes to punch him in the face. Instead, Brian hesitates, and then punches one of the boxes instead, sending it flying.] Brian: But I'm not dying, you selfish old prick. You are. [Jack is visibly cowed by this, and watches Brian stalk out of the garage.] [David's. Mike and Hank are on the floor of the living room, surrounded by comics and having a great time. David walks in] David: Hey, sorry it took so long. Hank: Dad, you can't believe what Michael and I found. "Scorpionhead #34" David: That's great, Hank. Michael: You owe me a hundred and fifty bucks. Hank: Oh, I gonna page Jack. He's a Scorpionhead too. David: Wait, wait a second, tell me... Hank: Hold on. Hold on! [He runs upstairs] Michael: We had a blast. David: Looks like when I'm off here. Michael: What about you? You see any naked Pinguins? David: Yeah, just the one. So, tell me about the Incline. Michael: Oh, we're took a detour from the official schedule and we went to Comics Land. David: What about all the things I had planned? You sat around here all day and read comics?! Michael: Well, that's what Hank wanted. Don't take this the wrong way, but he's not too crazy about the schedule. He doesn't understand why you have to drag him around every minute. David: Who's dragging him around? I just want him to have a good time. Michael: Well, maybe his idea of a good time is different than yours, and you didn't bother to find out what his was. David: Don't tell me how to raise my son! Michael: I'm not! I just... I try to help. David: Now, all of a sudden, you're a f*cking authority? Michael: He's not happy here! He wants to go home, and not for the reasons I thought, but because of you. You're the problem. [Dale's. Ted enters Dale's dungeon. Dale puts on his mask and, unbuttoning Ted's shirt] Dale: There are many pleasures to be found here. Places you were afraid to even think of going. I can take you there, but first you must surrender to me, completely. Do you surrender? Ted: Yes, I... I surrender. Dale: Sir. You'll call me "Sir". Ted: I surrender, Sir. Dale: And you are slave. [Dale starts to unbottom Ted's pants] Ted: It's kinda cold in here. Dale: I didn't say you can speak. Ted: I'm sorry. Dale: Sir! Ted: I'm sorry, Sir. Dale: Good slave. Now you will do exactly as you were told. [Turning Ted around with his whip and straps him to the tree of pain. Dale caresses the back of Ted's body with his hands, and then pulls out the whip.] [Back at the airport. Walking down the concourse] David: So I thoughed this summer we can go whitewater rafting? Hank: I'm going to baseball camp this summer. David: Oh, well that's good. Well Thanksgiving we can go hiking... Hank: I'm goin' to Grandma and Grandpa's. David: OK, what is with Christmas? Hank: You just don't get it, do you? David: Michael told me you hadn't a very good time. I don't wanna believe him. I was trying very hard... Hank: It's just that. You just try too hard. David: Yeah, I guess I do. Supposes that I can get you see very often because you lived there and I live here. For those few days that I'm lucky enough to have you, I just want it to be something special. Something so that you'll remember me. So that you won't forget me. Hank: When I'm with you, I'm getting away from Mom and Gary, and all that bullshit and stress that happens at school, and I just want to hang out, and not have to worry about doing something every single minute of my day. David: You mean just like lying around, reading comics? Hank: Yeah, I mean if I feel it. [Hank's plane is called.] David: That's you. Call me tonight, no matter how late it is. Hank: OK. I will. Michael: Bye Hank. Hank: [hugs Mike] Thank's for the Scorpionhead. [then he hugs David] David: Bye, bye. [Hank goes to the stewardess] Michael: You know, I actually don't mind being a stepmother. David: For someone who never had a father, you sure do know a lot about being one. Michael: Well, I just imagine what I'd want a dad to be like if I did. So, we got the house all for ourselves. What you feel we should doin'? David: I don't know. Laundry? Bookkeeping? Michael: Try again, stud. [Brian's. Brian's getting undressed, and Lindsay is there.] Lindsay: You gave me your word! You swore I could trust you with him. Brian: Look, your Ex already rimmed me out. Lindsay: Well, now it's my turn. You say you want to be his parent, if that's true then be his f*cking parent, but don't tell me that you're going to be there when you're not! You've never been there for anyone other than yourself! [There's a knock at the door, and a voice calls] Jack: Hey, sonny boy! Anyone home? [Brian walks into the living room, and there's Jack Kinney.] Brian: What are you doin' here? Jack: It'll only be a minute. I found something when I was going through those boxes. I thoughed you might want it. [he found an old picture of him with Brian when Brian was a baby] Jack: It's me and you when you was five months old. Brian: Why are you smiling? Jack: It's a photograph -- isn't that what you're supposed to do? [Brian drops the photo on the ground] Brian: I don't want it. Jack: You might change your mind some day when I'm gone. Brian: I doubt it. Jack: You know, you can really pack a wallop for a fag. Just don't tell your mother, you understand? [He shuts up when he sees Lindsay sitting on the bed.] Lindsay: Mr.Kinney. You probably don't remember me but I'm Lindsay... Peterson. Jack: Of course I remember you. Although it's been a long time. Your still a looker. Lindsay: Thank you, Mr.Kinney. Jack: Jack. Brian: You still think you're a ladies' man? Jack: You have yourself a beautiful son. I'll guess I'm be on my way. Brian: There's someone else I want you to say hello to. [Brian picks up Gus.] Brian: Your grandson. Jack: My grandson? What the f*ck's goin' on? Are you screwing with me sonny boy? Brian: No, I'm not screwing with you. Lindsay: Jack, would you like to hold him? Jack: Wow, it's been a while since I held a baby. [Brian picks up the picture he dropped on the ground, and looks back and forth between it and his own father and son.]

Lindsay leaves Gus in Brian's care on the weekend of the Leather Ball. Michael is nervous about meeting David's son. Ted takes a walk on the wild side. Brian comes out to his father after he learns that Jack has cancer.

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_03x16

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_03x16_0

SCENE: Oz. Past. A green cyclone drops a basket besides a yellow-brick road. In the distance, the Emerald City can be seen. A woodcutter and his wife are walking along the road. A baby can be heard wailing. [SCENE_BREAK] Woodcutter's Wife: Did you hear that? Woodcutter: Nothing. Stick to the road. (His wife notices the basket.) Woodcutter's Wife: Oh, where did it come from? Woodcutter: The cyclone must have dropped it. Dear, what are you doing? Woodcutter's Wife: (She picks it up, revealing a baby girl.) What do you expect me to do? Leave the poor thing to the wolves? She's beautiful. (A branch is close to breaking overhead. The Woodcutter notices the baby raises a finger, magically changing the branch's direction; causing no harm as it falls to the ground some yards away. However, his wife remains oblivious.) Woodcutter: (Nervously.) She did that. She knocked that tree away. Woodcutter's Wife: Calm your nerves, dear. It was just the wind. She's only a babe and she needs our help. Can we keep her? Woodcutter: That's not a good idea. Didn't you see what she did? She's not like us. Woodcutter's Wife: You're right, she's not. She's alone and we're going to take care of her. Now, stick to the road or we'll never make it to the Emerald City before dawn.(She starts walking on again.) Woodcutter: What should we call her? Woodcutter's Wife: What about Zelena? She's going to be the happiest baby in all of Oz. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Storybrooke graveyard. Mourners, including Emma, Mary Margaret, David, Regina, Robin Hood, Hook, Henry and Belle attend Neal's funeral. Neal is laid to rest. Hook takes up a shovel and scoops soil to bury Neal's coffin. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Witch Farmhouse. A grieving Mr. Gold doubles over in pain. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Storybrooke graveyard. Regina, David and Belle follow Hook's example. Then Emma encourages Henry to scoop soil on his father's coffin. Lastly, Emma herself takes up a shovel. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Witch Farmhouse. Zelena walks up to Mr. Gold's cage. [SCENE_BREAK] Zelena: You've spent so long figuring out how to get to this land, groomed Regina to cast your curse, spent twenty-eight years waiting for it to be broken, all that you can be with your son. Now, he's gone. Tell me, Rumple, was he really worth all that trouble? Mr. Gold: Every bit of it. He was family. Something you know nothing about. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: OZ. Past. Zelena, now a young adult, is helping her father to shave. [SCENE_BREAK] Zelena: How's that, father? (She hands him a mirror.) Woodcutter: You've missed a spot. (Zelena resumes shaving her father.) No matter, how you feel on the inside, Zelena, remember to always put on a good face. Zelena: I know, father. (Accidentally, she cuts him.) Woodcutter: Careless child. (Using magic, Zelena makes a clean cloth appear in order to attend to the cut. Her father is terrified.) Don't touch me! Zelena: I'm sorry. I can't help it. Woodcutter: You mean you can't control it. Zelena: Maybe if you'd let me learn how to- Woodcutter: Then everyone would see what you really are. Wicked. Zelena: How can you say that to your own daughter? Woodcutter: Because you're not my daughter! There, I've said it. After all these years your mother's gone now I can finally tell you the truth. Zelena: What's it you're talking about? Woodcutter: You're not our child, Zelena. We found you in the woods. In a basket. Dropped out of a tornado. Your mother wanted to take you in, she was lulled by your beauty. But under the surface there was something else-your wickedness. Zelena: (Crying) I'd rather be wicked than a sad old drunk. Woodcutter: What do you think drove me to drink, child? Wipe away those tears and put on a good face! Make me breakfast. Zelena: I think not. If I really caused you this much trouble, I'll spare you any more. Woodcutter: Where do you think you're going? Zelena: To see the one person who can help me find a family who wants me! The Wizard of Oz. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Granny's Diner. Emma is throwing darts as every single one hits the bull's eye. Hook approaches her. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: Perhaps I should paint a bull's eye on the Wicked Witch's back. Emma: She'll get more than a dart when I find her. Hook: I know you're hurting, Swan, but there are better ways to grieve Baelfire's death than letting anger overcome you. Emma: Let me guess-rum? Hook: (Drawing a flask from his jacket.) Never hurts. Emma: I'll stick with anger. At least, until I've dealt with Zelena. Hook: Take it from me: Vengeance isn't the thing that's gonna make you feel better. Emma: It'll make this town safer. (Glancing at Henry, who is sitting in a booth.) Besides, I promised Henry I'd find the person responsible for his father's death. It's really all I can do for him right now. Hook: That can't be true. Have you tried talking to the boy? Emma: As far as he is concerned, I haven't seen Neal since he left me in jail. So anything I'd tell him about his dad being a hero sounds like I'm making that up just to get him to feel better. Hook: Perhaps I can talk to him. Emma: About what? Leather conditioner and eyeliner? Hook: I knew Bae as a boy. Perhaps Henry'd like to hear what his father was like when he was his age. Emma: You'd really do that? Hook: Aye. Could help the boy make peace with his father's passing. And me. Emma: Be careful. Zelena's still out there. Hook: I assure you, nothing will happen to the boy while he's in my charge. (They both walk over to Henry.) Emma: Henry, do you remember Killian? Hook: Hello, Henry. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Elsewhere in Granny's Diner. From a distance, Regina watches Robin Hood ordering drinks. Tinker Bell enters the diner. As Tinker Bell walks past Robin, she notices the lion tattoo on his arm. [SCENE_BREAK] Tinker Bell: It's the lion tattoo. It's what was prophesied. He's your soul mate. Regina: (Whispering.) I know. I saw it yesterday. Tinker Bell: And you didn't tell me? Regina: Well, right now I have better things to do than gossip about boys! (Balancing three glasses, Robin Hood joins them.) Robin: Care for a drink? (Tinker Bell takes one. Robin Hood turns to address Regina.) I do hope I didn't upset you yesterday. Regina: (Introducing Tinker Bell to him.) Robin Hood, Tinker Bell. Tinker Bell, Robin Hood. Tinker Bell: (Shaking his hand) I've been wanting to meet you for a very long time. Regina: And no, you didn't upset me. I just found a clue trail that needed to be followed. One that didn't lead anywhere. (Gestures towards the offered glass, then stops herself.) I don't daytime drink. Robin: Ah well, perhaps in the evening then. (He nods and takes his leave.) Tinker Bell: What was all that about? Didn't you learn anything from the last time you screwed this up? If you had been open to the possibility of love when you first saw him, maybe your life wouldn't have turned out so (Tinker Bell stops herself mid-sentence.) Regina: So what? How did my life turn out? Tinker Bell: Why am I even bothering? (She walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Elsewhere Granny's Diner. Emma joins Mary Margaret and David. [SCENE_BREAK] David: How are you holding up? Emma: How do you think? Mary Margaret: (Hugs her.) Oh, Emma. (Zelena enters, holding the Dark One's Dagger in one hand.) Zelena: My condolences. So sorry I've missed the funeral, but I could never pass up to wake. Oh, did I miss the speeches? Shall I make one? I mean, I am, after all, responsible. (Emma leaps forward. Mary Margaret seizes her daughter's arm.) Mary Margaret: Emma, no. Too many people will get hurt. Zelena: Listen to your mother. Anyone who tries to interfere with my plan is gonna have to deal with the Dark One! David: (Shields a pregnant Mary Margaret.) Don't come any closer. Zelena: Don't worry. I'm not here for your baby. Not today, anyway. Regina: Then why are you here? Zelena: Now, that my cover's blown, I can finally pay a visit to my little sister. Regina: Who the hell are you talking about? Zelena: Why you, of course, Regina. Emma: What? Regina: I'm an only child. Zelena: Cora lied to you, Regina. I'm your sister. Half, if you to get technical. Regina: Why should I believe anything you say? Zelena: Oh, you shouldn't. It's a lot to swallow. This is why I brought a gift to help. Regina: I don't want a gift from you. Zelena: But you shall have it. See, my gift to you is that sad, sad day. Use it to dig into our past, Regina. You need to learn the truth and you must believe it. And then, meet me on Main Street tonight. Say, sundown. Regina: And then what? Zelena: Then I'll destroy you. Regina: This isn't the Wild West. Zelena: No, dear. It's the Wicked West. (Turning around to face the assembled guests.) And I want everyone to be there. To see the Evil Queen lose. Regina: I don't lose. Zelena: Neither do I. One of us is about to make history. See you tonight, sis. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Storybrooke docks. Hook and Henry enter over to a boat. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: Here. Now that'll do. Henry: Another boat? Hook: You don't like the sea? Henry: No, it's not that. It's just my mom always seems to put me off to friends that have boats when she's working on a case. Hook: Your mother didn't put you off to me. I wanted to bring you here. Henry: Why? Hook: You might not believe this, but your father and I were mates long before he met your mother. Henry: Really? You knew my dad? What was he like? Hook: Hop on board and you'll find out. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Granny's Diner. David, Emma, Mary Margaret, Regina, and Tinker Bell attempt to make sense of Zelena's threat. [SCENE_BREAK] David: And you're sure Cora never said anything about her? Regina: I think I would remember if my mother told me she had a love child with a scarecrow. Emma: It doesn't matter if Zelena is your sister or not. She wants you dead. Any idea why? Regina: I've never even met her before today. Emma: Doesn't mean you did something to piss her off. Tinker Bell: You did manage to step a lot on people's toes back in our world. Regina: Well, none of them were green. Granny: There's that missing year. Maybe you did something to her then. Regina: Stick to the lasagna, lady. It's starting to sound an awful lot like you're on her side. (She begins leaving.) Emma: Where are you going? Regina: To find out exactly what this witch thinks I did to her. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: OZ. Past. Emerald City. Two guards allow Zelena to enter the Wizard's audience room. At the far end of the room a curtain can be seen. Flames shoot up from the ground preventing Zelena to step any closer. [SCENE_BREAK] The Wizard: I've been expecting you. (The shadow of a man appears on the curtain) Zelena: How did you know I was coming? The Wizard: I see all. I am Oz. The Great and Terrible. You've come because you wish to find your family. Zelena: Can you help me? The Wizard: I will show you what you seek to know. But I warn you: It won't be easy for you. (Zelena takes a step backwards and watches scenes from her past unfold before her on the floor. A woman placing a basket in the woods can be seen.) Zelena: Is that my mother? The Wizard: Her name was Cora. She gave birth to you in another land. A cyclone stuck and carried you to this world. Zelena: Why did she abandon me? The Wizard: You couldn't give her the one thing she truly wanted. The ability to become royalty. (The picture changes revealing Regina) Zelena: Who's that? The Wizard: Your sister. Regina. Zelena: Wait. I've got a sister? The Wizard: Your sister could do what your mother wished. Regina became queen. (The scene changes again. Now, Rumplestiltskin can be seen. He's preparing a lesson for Regina.) Zelena: Who's that man? The Wizard: That is Rumplestiltskin. A very powerful wizard. The most powerful of all the realms. (The picture changes once more. Now, Regina practices wielding magic. Regina fails to master the given task.) Like you, Regina has the gift of magic. But she has been unable to develop it. Zelena: Magic is a gift? The Wizard: Yes. And he's trying to teach her that. Zelena: He should be teaching me. Not her. I need to meet this wizard. I'll pay whatever you desire. Just, please, tell me how to get there. The Wizard: Look down. (Zelena wears silver slippers.) When you click your heels together three times those slippers will take you wherever you desire. Zelena: What do you want in return? The Wizard: I simply ask that you bring me something of Rumpelstiltskin's. Be careful: It is one thing to wonder about your past but another to become envious of things you cannot have. (Zelena clicks her heels together three times and green smoke covers her.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Dark Palace. Zelena is transported to Regina's chambers. Zelena looks around the room and opens a wardrobe. Finally, she walks to the dressing table and decides to try the magical task Rumpelstiltskin has given Regina. Smoothly, Zelena succeeds. She is unaware that Rumplestiltskin is watching. [SCENE_BREAK] Rumplestiltskin: Well, this is a day of surprises. I thought it would take you at least until- (He stops in mid-sentence; noticing that the woman is not Regina.) You're not Regina. Zelena: No. I'm Cora's other daughter. Rumplestiltskin: That's not possible. Zelena: I'm Zelena. Her first-born. Rumplestiltskin: We'll see about that. (Rumplestiltskin tears out a hair from Zelena's head and applies it to a potion, which becomes strongly green. Amazed, he looks at the result.) Oh, hello, dearie. A day of surprises indeed. [SCENE_BREAK] Storybrooke. Present day. Regina's vault. Regina is looking for something. Mary Margaret is watching her nearby. [SCENE_BREAK] Mary Margaret: Regina, is she telling the truth? Regina: I don't know. I haven't found anything yet. Mary Margaret: Are you sure Cora didn't set any traps or stuff? I don't think a sleeping curse would be good for the baby. (Regina picks up a letter. Emma joins Mary Margaret.) Emma: David, Belle and Tink are locking down main street in case this fight actually happens. Mary Margaret: Regina, did you find something? Regina: (Reading silently) A letter. Emma: What does it say? Regina: (Reading silently) Zelena is my sister. Mary Margaret: Regina, what is it? Regina: Nothing. Don't worry about it. It's my fight. I got it handled. (Hurriedly, she walks past Emma and Mary Margaret and leaves the vault.) Emma: What the hell was in that letter? [SCENE_BREAK] Storybrooke. Present day. Main street. David, Belle and Tinker Bell walk down the street. [SCENE_BREAK] David: If we position someone there, there and there we'll have the whole street covered. Tinker Bell: I'll talk to Blue. See if we can get any reinforcement. (Emma and Mary Margaret join them.) Emma: No. Haven't you heard Zelena? She said no interference. She would have Gold level half the block if we try something before she has a little chat with her sister. Tinker Bell: So, they really are sisters? Mary Margaret: She found a letter in her vault confirming it. David: Where is she? Regina? Mary Margaret: She disappeared. Something in that letter upset her. Tinker Bell: Should we try to find her? Emma: Regina was pretty clear she didn't want any help on this one. David: You'll let her walk into this fight alone? Emma: No, she's gonna get help whether she wants it or not. Belle: But you just said we can't interfere. Emma: Because Zelena has Gold on her side we need to remove him from the occasion. It's the only way Regina has a fighting chance. We just need to get his dagger. Mary Margaret: You saw Zelena. She practically has it in her hand. Belle: Wait. What if I can get through to Rumple without the dagger? Mary Margaret: It's worth a try. Regina can't do this alone. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke, Present day. Somewhere in the woods. Again, Regina reads silently the letter she found in her vault. Patrolling the area an armed Robin Hood recognizes Regina and decides to approach her. [SCENE_BREAK] Robin Hood: We have to stop meeting like this. (Turning around Regina pockets the letter) Regina: Did the Charmings send you to give me a pep talk? Cause I don't do all the pep talk. Robin Hood: No, nothing of the sort. After Zelena's threat I decided to patrol the woods. In case she'd decided to build the ranks of her simian army. (He sits down beside Regina) How are you holding up? Regina: I'm not a flying monkey if that's what you mean. (Robin Hood chuckles) Robin Hood: So, you're gonna tell me what's in that letter you've been starring at? Regina: What letter? Robin Hood: This one. (Holding up the letter so that she can see he has taken it). I'm a pickpocket by trade. I spent many years learning how to rob from magicians. Regina: You're lucky I'm saving my strength for that witch. Robin Hood: I think, deep down you actually wanna talk about what's in there. Regina: What makes you think you know me so well? Robin Hood: Well, for one thing I'd be charred to a crisp by now, if you didn't. Regina: True. Robin Hood: So, can I read it? Regina: Not stopping you. Robin Hood (reading aloud) Cora, dear. I've finally got my hands on your first born. Never thought I'd find her, did you? Now I know why: She's the most powerful sorceress I've ever encountered. Even more powerful than you. Stunning in every way." Rather complimentary I'd say. Why is this troubling you? Regina: I've seen that letter a hundred times before. In my darkest moments I'd go to it for comfort. For solace. For brace when I needed it. Because I- Because I always thought it was about me. Robin Hood: It's about Zelena. Regina: Rumpelstiltskin thinks she's more powerful than I am. Robin Hood: Why do you care what that imp thinks? Regina: (downcast) Because, if the man who taught me everything I know about magic, thinks she is stronger than I am, then there's no way I can win this fight. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. Zelna and Rumpelstiltskin walk together in the woods. [SCENE_BREAK] Zelena: Cora never mentioned me? Rumplestiltskin: A first born daughter? I think that's something I would remember. Now, there's a spell, a curse I've been working on for a very long time. Now I foresaw that that curse can only be cast by Cora's daughter. Zelena: That's why you've been training Regina. You thought she was going to cast the curse. Rumplestiltskin: Until today. Shall we see what you can do? Magic isn't about what you see, dearie, it's about what you feel inside. (Using a black cloth he blindfolds Zelena) You'll have to dig deep if you wanna past tonight's test. Zelena: What am I meant to do? Rumplestiltskin: Simpel. Find me. (Using magic, he teleports himself. Now, Rumplestiltskin is standing behind Zelena) Over here, dearie. (Surprised, Zelena turns around. Leaning on a tree Rumpelstiltskin appears in front of Zelena, only a few yards away from her. Again, she's unable to catch him) Close, but not close enough. Magic comes from emotion. Simply think of a moment that makes you sieve with anger. Zelena: And use it to feel the magic. Yes, I've learned that a long time ago. It's hard to pick one. Finding out that my mother abandoned me. That my father never wanted me. Rumplestiltskin: Getting warmer. Zelena: (in a high-pitched voice) That my sister got everything I've ever desired. That she didn't even have to present something. It all just happened. And she doesn't even know that. (Successfully, Zelena grabs Rumpelstiltskin by the arm) Rumplestiltskin: Ding Dong. There it is. I can feel it in your nails. Zelena: Sorry, I lost control. Rumplestiltskin: And now, you need to think of a moment of happiness rein in some of that anger. Zelena: What do you think about? Rumplestiltskin: I'm the teacher. I ask the questions. Zelena: But, if you don't tell me that how will I learn? Rumplestiltskin: Well, like you, I was abandoned as a child. Some spinsters took us in. We didn't have much. But we got by. Whenever we finished a job they used to bake meat pie. The entire hovel would fill with the most wonderful smell. And after they were cold they always let me take the first bite. And as the food warmed my body that was the only time I forgot who I really was. A boy who wasn't wanted by his papa. Zelena: Mhm. (smiles) Then, I know my moment. Rumplestiltskin: What's that, dearie? Zelena: The moment I stopped feeling like someone who wasn't wanted. The moment you agreed to train me. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Witch Farmhouse. Belle approaches the storm cellar. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: All clear. There's no sign of Zelena. It looks like she's still keeping Gold in the cellar. (Belle hurriedly enters the storm cellar) Belle: Rumple? Mr. Gold: Belle? Belle: I've come to free you. Mr. Gold: No, leave. Leave. You have no idea what this witch will make me do to you. She can't see you with me. Belle: I'm not afraid. You would never hurt me. Mr. Gold: It's futile. As long as she holds the dagger I can't leave. Belle: I'm not leaving without you. Mr. Gold: It's not worth the risk. Belle: Just. try. You just have to believe in us. (Belle offers Mr. Gold a hand and he stands up.) Mr. Gold: Run! Belle: (surprised) What? Mr. Gold: Run! Go! Zelena: (laughing) Don't let be. Carry on. I was just enjoying the show. (Belle flees the cellar. Emma, David and Tinker Bell are waiting outside) Emma: Belle? David: Over here. Belle: It was a trick. She's toying with us. Mr. Gold: (climbing out of the cellar) Zelena sends a message. She will face Regina and no one interferes. Next time you try to stop her I will kill you. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. On the beach. Henry puts a rope and a book aside. [SCENE_BREAK] Henry: I think I've tried every knot in here. When do we get to the part about my dad? Hook: (looking up to the sky he's waiting for the stars to rise) Just a few moments longer. There. Come here. (Hook waves Henry nearer and hands Henry his sextant.) Henry: What's this? Hook: That, my boy, is a sextant. It's used by sailors to navigate. Henry: Like a GPS? Hook: Aye. It measures our position using the stars. Henry: Not sure, if that's what a GPS does, but what does this have to do with my dad? Hook: I taught him to navigate with one. Just like I'm gonna teach you. Henry: Were you both in the Navy or something? Hook: No, Bae - Neal was just a boy when I taught him. Henry: (confused) Wait. Aren't you the same age? It seems like the more you guys tell me about my dad less things make sense. I don't wanna learn how to navigate. I just wanna hear something about him that doesn't make it sound like it's made up so I like this guy. Hook: Your mother isn't keeping things from you because she doesn't want you to know the truth. Henry: I know she's doing it to protect me. But how am I supposed to feel anything about him being gone if I don't know what he was like when he was here? Hook: Fair enough, mate. What I haven't told you is why I taught your father to sail. Because he'd just lost his father. I thought the sea would help ease his sorrow. Henry: Wait. He lost his dad, too? Hook: Aye. To something dark and evil. When he wasn't much older than you. Henry: Really? Hook: Indeed. You see, you might not think you know much about your father but you have more in common with him than you realize. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Witch Farmhouse. Zelena dresses up for the fight. She puts on a pair of green gloves, a necklace with a green gemstone, a black hat, and a pair of black shoes. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Past. The Dark Castle. Zelena arranges a meat pie on the table. Rumpelstiltskin enters the room. [SCENE_BREAK] Rumplestiltskin: I don't remember giving permission for guests. Zelena: That's for you. Meat pie. Just like the spinsters used to make when you were a boy. Rumplestiltskin: Can't stay. Have a lesson to teach. Zelena: But, we just finished a lesson. Rumplestiltskin: Not with you, dearie. With Regina. Zelena: You're still training her? Rumplestiltskin: Did you think I was gonna stop? Zelena: Wait. You don't need Regina. I'm going to cast your curse. (in a high-pitched voice) She's not nearly as powerful as me. She doesn't deserve to have you teaching her. Rumplestiltskin: (interrupting her) Careful, Zelena. What was it your father used to always tell you? Zelena: No matter, what you feel on the inside you always have to put on a good face. Rumplestiltskin: You might wanna take his advice. Your inside is starting to show. (Shocked Zelena crosses the room so that she can look into a mirror. She discovers a green spot at her neck.) You're turning green, dearie. Envy will do this to you. And don't wait up. This could take a while. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Main street. Citizens assemble to watch the upcoming fight. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Have you seen Regina? Mary Margaret: Not since the vault. Tinker Bell: If she hasn't get her soon that witch will take it out on all of us. David: Let's take everybody out of here before that happens. (turning to the crowd) Alright, listen up. We need you to get back to your home. Zelena: No one's going anywhere. (The crowd backs away from Zelena and Mr. Gold) This show needs an audience. (to Mr. Clark) Out of my way, munchkin. Mr. Clark: I'm a dwarf. Zelena: That's even worse. Where is she? Don't tell me. She's a coward. This isn't good. For all of you. If my sister isn't here in five minutes I'm going to let the Dark One of his leash. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Main street. Five minutes later. [SCENE_BREAK] Zelena: Time's up. Who'd you wanna kill first, Rumple? Emma: (stepping forward) He's not killing anyone. If you wanna fight someone, Zelena, fight me. Zelena: Sorry dear, I don't dance with amateurs. Emma: I'm not an amateur. I'm the savior. Zelena: Looks like someone has an inflated sense of self-worth. (Zelena looks at Mr. Gold who directs his magic at Emma causing her to fall backwards) Anybody else wanna give it a go? Regina: I do. (The crowd makes room for her) Didn't anyone tell you? Black is my color. Zelena: (chuckles) But it looks so much better on me. I was beginning to think you aren't going to show up. Regina: I couldn't let my sister off that easily. Zelena: So, you've finally accepted me into the family? Regina: I've accepted that we shared a mother, yes. But I still have one question: What the hell did I ever do to you? Zelena: Isn't it obvious? You were born. (Regina slaps her in the face) Regina: I've been waiting to do that. All day. Zelena: Rumplestiltstskin can't save you this time. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Past. Enchanted Forest. Dark Castle. Regina is sitting at her dressing table. She combs her hair. Her father's razor in hand Zelena approaches her from behind. [SCENE_BREAK] Zelena: Don't make a sound. Rumplestiltskin is wasting his time with you. You don't deserve him. You don't deserve any of this. Our mother couldn't see and neither can he. But I'll show them they're wrong. (Zelena stabs Regina's neck. Giggling Rumplestiltskin reveals himself to Zelena. He removes the razor from his neck.) Rumplestiltskin: Surprise, dearie. (standing up) As I always said jealousy drives people to do crazy things. Zelena: You tricked me. Rumplestiltskin: Consider it a test. One you failed. Zelena: I was just trying to make your decision easier. Show you that I'm all powerful. That I'm the one who's going to cast your curse. Rumplestiltskin: I appreciate your efforts, dearie, but I'm afraid you just disqualified yourself. Zelena: What? Why? Rumplestiltskin: Because casting the curse has a price. A steep one. You have to give up the thing you love most. Zelena: I can do that. Rumplestiltskin: That's the problem, dearie. The thing you love most is me. Zelena: You think I love you? Rumplestiltskin: I'm a perceptive soul. Zelena: You're insane. Rumplestiltskin: Besides the point. Dearie, it's okay. I know, I have that effect on women. You love me and that, dearie, makes you too dangerous. Zelena: So, Regina Rumplestiltskin: has the job. (He notices that Zelena's green skin color spreads, rising to her cheek.) You might wanna get that checked. Zelena: (angry) Forget the curse. I'll find another way to give you what you want. Rumplestiltskin: Unless you can take me to a land without magic I'm afraid that's not possible. Zelena: I can. I could have taken you there. Rumplestiltskin: How? Zelena: (showing her slippers to him) These slippers. The Wizard gave them to me and they can take you anywhere you want to go. Rumplestiltskin: Wizard? Zelena: (ignoring his last remark) But it's too late. Rumplestiltskin: (nervous) Who said it's too late? Zelena: You chose her. Rumplestiltskin: Perhaps it was haste. Zelena: I'm not naive. There's only one way you'll ever get these slippers from me. You'll have to kill me. Rumplestiltskin: Well, if I must. (He leaps forward but she quickly disappears in a cloud of green smoke.) Zelena: (materializing above Rumplestiltskin) You shouldn't have taught me all your tricks, Rumple. I'll see you again, dearie. Next time, you will choose me. (She clicks her heels together three times and disappears in a cloud of green smoke.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Main Street. Mr. Gold standing between them Zelena faces Regina. [SCENE_BREAK] Zelena: He should've chosen me. Regina: Who? Zelena: Rumplestiltskin. Regina: That's what this is about? You're jealous of me? (Regina looks up and focuses her magic at a set of traffic lights causing a pair of traffic lights to fall down. Zelena changes the direction of the piece so that it cannot harm her. Bystanders jump startled.) Zelena: You still don't realize what you had. You never did. You got everything I ever wanted and you didn't even deserve it. But I'm gonna take it all from you. (Magically, Zelena jostles Regina away causing her to crash backwards into a blue car.) Doc: My Miata. (Regina recovers and walks up to her sister. Again she uses magic forming a fireball in one hand. However, before she's able to use it Zelena puts out the fire. Zelena lifts her sister up into the air chocking her at the same time.) Zelena: You can't beat me, little sis. Everything Rumplestiltskin taught you, he taught me, too. But I was the better student. (She sends Regina flying through the Clock Tower's window, then teleports herself close to Regina) Regina: What are you waiting for? Kill me. Zelena: I never said I wanted to kill you. I said I wanted to destroy you. And to do that I need your heart. (Zelena thrusts her hand into Regina's chest. After a moment she withdraws empty-handed) Where is it? Regina: My mother taught me one thing: Never bring your heart to a witch fight. Something you'd know if she hadn't abandoned you. (Magically, Regina pushes Zelena backwards) Zelena: (angry) You haven't won, Regina. I will get your heart. I will get everything you ever had. Regina: (smiles) Not today. (Zelena summons her broom and leaves. Emma, Mary Margaret and David join Regina.) Mary Margaret: Are you alright? Regina: I'm still alive, aren't I? David: Gold disappeared. We thought that meant she Regina: defeated me? Hardly. Mary Margaret: You've won? Regina: Don't act so surprised. As it turns out Zelena wanted my heart. It's a good thing I wasn't stupid enough to bring it with me. David: Any idea why she wants it? Regina: Well, she got your courage and wants my heart. Those are ingredients. Emma: For what? A curse? Mary Margaret: We're already in Storybrooke. We've already lost our memories. What else could she do to us? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Somewhere in the woods. Hurriedly Regina runs into the forest. Pointing a flashlight here and there she's looking for something. [SCENE_BREAK] Robin Hood: Did the plan work? Regina: That depends - is it still here? Robin Hood: Right, where you left it. (Nearby a tree he knells down and begins to dig up Regina's heart.) Regina: (relieved) Then it worked. I just needed to find the one thing I had that Zelena didn't. Robin Hood: And what exactly was that? (He hands Regina her heart back) Regina: My heartless mother. (She tucks her heart into a small satchel.) My sister was right about something. She said I don't always realize what I have right in front of me. Robin Hood: (standing up) What's that? Regina: Just, that I didn't always appreciate things. (pressing the satchel into Robin Hood's hand) Would you mind holding on to this a little bit longer? Robin Hood: (in mild disbelief) You're really going to entrust something so valuable to a common thief like me? Regina: You can't steal something that's been given to you. (She turns around and starts to walk away.) Robin Hood: You still owe me that drink. Regina: Yes, I suppose, I do. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Blanchard Apartment. [SCENE_BREAK] Henry: Thanks, Kilian. Maybe we can go out on your boat again sometime. Hook: Anytime, lad. Emma: (Emma opens the door. She ruffles Henry's hair) Hey. (Henry enters the apartment.) Hook: How did the Queen fare against the Witch? Emma: She survived. But the rest is definitely more than a doorway conversation. (Hook nods. Emma pauses and then decides to speak up once again.) Thanks for taking him. Hook: There's more Bae in your boy than you realize. He needs to know about his father, Emma. You can't just take him back to New York when this is over and pretend like none of this is real. Emma: Thanks again. (She steps back inside closing the door behind her. Hook exits.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present day. Witch Farmhouse. Zelena locks Mr. Gold up. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Gold: What, no meat pie? (Furious Zelena turns around the dagger in hand. Mr. Gold doubles over in pain.) Zelena: She's clever, Rumple. But, so am I. Regina's heart is somewhere in this town. It's only a matter of time before I find it. Mr. Gold: Whatever twisted curse you have planned, it won't change anything. If I had to do it all again, I'd still choose Regina. Zelena: Would you, now? Well, I suppose we'll just have to wait and see. Mr. Gold: I'm afraid, I don't understand. Zelena: We are doing it all over again. What I'm casting isn't a curse. (chuckles) It's a second chance. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Oz. Past. The Emerald City. Two guards try to prevent Zelena from entering the Wizard's audience room. Using magic she flings both of them aside and enters. [SCENE_BREAK] Zelena: I learned some tricks while I was gone. You showed me my past. Now take me there. To the moment my mother abandoned me. That's when it all went wrong. I need to go back and change it. (The Wizard's shadow appears on the curtain.) The Wizard: You want to travel back in time? To change the past? (Laughing. Flames shoot up from the ground.) Zelena: What's so funny? The Wizard: I'm afraid that's impossible. Zelena: I thought, you were the Great and Terrible Oz. The Wizard: Even my power has its limits. Zelena: (she rippes down the curtain.) You're telling me. (dragging the Wizard towards herself.) The Wizard: No. Don't hurt me. Please. Zelena: Who are you? Wizard: My name is Walsh. I'm just a circus huckster. I'm a showman. I come from a distant land. A place called Kansas. Zelena: You're not even a wizard? Walsh: It's all part of the act. But, what I peddle is real. What you saw there is real (gesturing towards the ground). Those slippers (looking at Zelena's shoes) took you to the Enchanted Forest, didn't they? I may not have magic. But the things I collect do. Zelena: That's why you wanted me to bring you something of Rumplestiltskin's. So, you could carry on this charade. Walsh: I didn't mean any harm. I was just trying to help us both. What you seek doesn't exist. No magic is that strong. Zelena: Well, then I have no use for you. At least not like that. Walsh: (standing up) Like what? Zelena: What I need is someone willing to do whatever I ask without question. (Zelena notices a poster of Walsh's circus. A flying monkey is advertised.) Like a trained circus animal. Walsh: You're evil. Zelena: Not evil, dear. Wicked. Walsh: No. No. (He tries to flee. Green smoke covers him. As the green smoke clears a flying monkey rises. It shrieks.) Zelena: Much better. Now, come. (Obediently the monkey trudges after Zelena.) I'm going to find a way to change the past. I've got work to do. (She directs her magic at the ground. Again, Regina practices to wield magic. She succeeds. Rumplestiltskin approaches her from behind. Rumplestiltskin: Well done, Regina. You've been practicing. You're shaping up to be the best pupil I ever had.(Regina smiles.)) Zelena: (watching the scene) We'll see about that. When I'm done, Regina, you'll never even been born. (Zelena's green skin color spreads further, until her whole face is entirely green.)

With Rumplestiltskin as her slave, Zelena challenges Regina to a fight to the death and shocks the Evil queen with the reveal of their familial connection, and the town lays Neal to rest. Meanwhile, back in the past in the land of Oz, a jealous Zelena asks the Wizard to send her to Fairy Tale Land after discovering that she has a sister, Regina, and that Rumplestiltskin is training her to become a powerful force to be reckoned with.

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_05x14

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_05x14_0

At the school carnival, Spinner is sitting in a dunk tank Spinner: Come on Degrassi and dunk the dork! Linus: Hey. Wanna try your luck? It's only a buck a ball. Jimmy: You're telling me I get to throw balls at him for charity? Linus: Yeah. Come on why not? Jimmy: Okay. I'll uh, try my luck. Here's 5. Thank you. Linus: Yup. Spinner: Show me what you got Jimmy. (Jimmy throws the ball and dunks Spinner.) Spinner: Yes! First time today. Jimmy: Won't be the last. (Jimmy dunks him three more times in a row.) Jimmy: Wow. That was fun. I'm in a charitable mood so how about 10 more? Linus: I think Spinner needs a break. Jimmy: I think Gavin is fine okay? I'm just warming up. Marco: No, Jim look. He's freezing. I know you hate the guy okay, but today just cut him some slack. Jimmy: Fine whatever. (Jimmy leaves and Darcy puts a towel around Spinner.) Spinner: Thanks man. Saved my butt. Marco: Later Spinner. Later at the carnival, Paige and Alex are walking by Spinner Spinner: Girls could I interest you in this interesting pamphlet about Jesus? Paige: Um Spinner may I suggest methadone to uh kick the Christian habit? Spinner: It's not a habit Paige. It's for life and beyond. At the weight guessing booth, Danny is guessing Manny's weight Danny: Ouch, your shoes and your purse. Say 140? Manny: Maybe if I was carrying an entire 8 year old! Danny: Sign says guess. I guessed! Manny: Derek your friend's an idiot. Derek: I'm aware. Emma: So how miniscule are you? Manny: Don't ask. (Manny tries to take a brownie from Emma and Emma stops her.) Emma: Hey! These are for mom! Manny: Darn you and your whole make Spike feel better campaign. Emma: Today I need all the help I can get. It was supposed to be her third wedding anniversary, but I've got a surprise later that's really gonna make her happy. Manny: Male strippers dropping it like it's hot? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Emma: Okay I think removing you from public is a good idea for us all. In another area of the carnival Marco: Safer s*x seminar? Ellie: Safer s*x? Here you go. Marco: Safer s*x! Oh hey Toby safer s*x seminar. Check it out. We're giving out free condoms. Toby: Ooh! Marco: Exactly. Toby: I'm in. Marco: Safer s*x! Cool. Ellie: Okay I cannot believe Friendship Club brainwashed Spinner. Jimmy: There's not much brain to wash. Marco: Guys they don't brainwash. They're too busy singing and praying and stuff. Ellie: Tomato, tamoto. Religion is so boring and lame. Marco: Uh hello, Catholic over here. Ellie: Um Marco you're gay. Marco: And therefore I can't be Christian? Ellie: All I'm saying is the church...not too big on the gays. Marco: Well things are gonna change. It just, it takes time. Ellie: Whatevsky. In the hallway Kim: We just made $860 and it's all thanks to you Spin. Darcy: This is gonna put food in a lot of hungry mouths. You so rock! (She kisses him.) Linus: Let your light shine before men, that they may they see your good deeds. Matthew 5:16. I'm proud of you Spin. Spinner: All I had to do was get wet. That's a really small price to pay to help starving kids. Linus: Still you did a great thing for charity and you made Friendship Club look good. You're the man. Hey, call you later. Spinner: Alright. (Spinner sees Marco sitting by himself.) Spinner: Hey. Hope you don't mind me asking, but um what are you doing sitting here like little boy blue. I mean where are all your people? Marco: Well Jimmy and Ellie are doing this art thing like 24/7. Paige and Alex...Paige and Alex have morphed into uh Palex, and Craig's in Vancouver pursuing fame and fortune, and I'm here pursuing boredom. Spinner: Sucks man. Um listen if you want to we could possibly, maybe hang out...or not. You know whatever. Marco: Hey. You still like stupid movies? Spinner: Dude, the stupider, the better. At Emma's house, Spike is vacuuming Emma: Come on mom, a little less vacuum, a little more happy. Manny: Brownies. They're happy making. Spike: Not that I don't appreciate the effort, but I'm fine. Really. Emma: You want effort? Go open the door. (Spike goes to the door and sees Caitlin.) Caitlin: Surprise! Spike: Caitlin! Caitlin: All the way from LA darling! Spike: You little sneak. You didn't tell me she was coming! Emma: Well where's the surprise in that? At the movie theatres Marco: I can't believe we just paid money to see that movie. Spinner: What? Clown Academy 2 rocked man! I mean you got sexy clowns, car chases, explosive diarrhoea. What more could you want in a movie? Marco: Well it's good to see your taste in movies haven't changed. Spinner: Well it's good to see your taste in fashion hasn't changed. Does the gay superhero know you took his belt? Marco: Man you have not changed at all, except for the hair and uh thank god for that. Spinner: Funny. Marco: So Spinner. Okay I have to ask you something. Friendship Club. Now what is the deal with that? Spinner: Alright. Beginning of the year, my old friends didn't want to know my name, but Friendship Club welcomed me with open arms. They...they're like a family. Marco: It must have sucked for you. The whole gang just shunning you all year. Spinner: It's water over the bridge man. Besides I'm not complaining as long as you and I are cool. Marco: Right. We're cool. At Emma's house Spike: Thanks for the visit. It helps. Caitlin: So how are you? For real. What's going on with you and Snake? Spike: Well I'm not gonna wait around while he contemplates his navel, trying to figure out the meaning of life. Here's to moving on. Caitlin: To moving on and to the best non-anniversary party ever. Spike: My best friend, my girls, brownies, wine. What more could I ask for? Manny: A buff guy in a g-string dropping it like it's hot? Mr. Simpson: Hello? Anybody home? Caitlin! Hey. Nice of LA to send us up some sunshine. Caitlin: Hi Archie. Spike: You can't just barge in here anytime. Mr. Simpson: I'm sorry. It's just um I ordered this for you a month ago for our...you know. I thought maybe you should have it. I'll just, I'll leave this here. (He leaves awkwardly and Spike opens the box.) Spike: Sapphire. My birth stone. It's perfect. It's absolutely perfect. (She dumps it in the garbage can.) Emma: Perfect. At a Friendship Club meeting Linus: Hey I want to thank you all for coming in so early this morning, but um we have a serious issue at hand. I'm disgusted that the school would let Marco Del Rossi run this. Darcy: But the school promotes safer s*x. Kim: Please. Everyone knows safer s*x is just code for promiscuous s*x. Linus: Just say yes to safer s*x. What is this? There's no mention of abstinence at all. Spinner: Yeah, but isn't there like freedom of speech or whatever? Linus: You're right. There is. He's free to talk about immoral s*x and we're free to try and stop him. Spinner: Okay look Marco, he's a friend of mine. Linus: And that's why we've nominated you to talk him into calling this off. Spinner: Who's we? Darcy: I didn't vote for this. I thought this club was about tolerance and respect. Oh what about love your neighbour as yourself? Linus: We believe that, but we also believe in abstinence and condoms make kids have s*x. Darcy this seminar goes against our values. Okay we have to stop it and Spinner's our man. Spinner: Don't be so sure. Marco will freak. Linus: Look are you with us or not? [SCENE_BREAK] At Emma's house Caitlin: Morning fellow members of the worst cheer up squad ever. Emma: Where's our victim? Caitlin: She went to the salon early, probably to swallow dye, but I'm brainstorming on how to give the cheer up squad a major comeback. Manny: (Whispers to Emma) Male stripper! Caitlin: So far I've got uh girl movie marathon, craft night, face painting and cotton candy. (The girls say nothing.) Caitlin: Yeah I know. I got nothing. Manny: I've got an idea. How about we get a male stripper? Emma: Will you shut up already? Caitlin: There's no way she could keep a straight face through that. That's a great idea! Emma: Great idea? Caitlin: Get me the yellow pages and the phone. We are having a party. Woo! Manny: Woo! Caitlin: Oh yes! At school Spinner: Uh I need to talk to you about something. Do you have a sec? Marco: Nah Spin. Now's not a good time. Spinner: Okay, but just this seminar you think maybe it's a bit much? Marco: What exactly is a bit much? Spinner: Man you guys are giving out condoms. Marco: Yeah we're promoting safer s*x. Spinner: Don't do it. Marco: Excuse me? Spinner: Just cancel the seminar okay? Marco: What? Spin give me, give me one good reason why. Spinner: Condoms make kids have s*x. Marco: Oh wow. Well that's retarded. Where'd you get that from huh? Some stupid pamphlet? Spinner: I didn't want to get nasty, but what you're doing is immoral Marco! Marco: Who the hell are you to say that Spin? Spinner: Dude it's in the bible. This is wrong okay? This is sin. Marco: Wow. Jimmy was so right. I should have never given you a second chance. In Ms. Hatzilakos' office Ms. Hazilakos: Right. I approved the event so what's the problem? Spinner: They're giving out condoms Ms. H. It's gonna make kids run out and have s*x. Ms. Hatzilakos: Giving out condoms does not make kids have s*x. You two are aware that some teenagers have s*x? Linus: And some don't. We believe in abstinence. Ms. Hatzilakos: Well not every teenager does. We had a gonorrhoea outbreak in the school last year so if giving out condoms helps avoid it, then I'm all for it. Spinner: Ms. Hatzilakos please cancel this thing. It's, it's wrong. Ms. Hatzilakos: I'm afraid we don't see eye to eye and I'm not cancelling it. Spinner: I thought you were a good Christian. Ms. Hatzilakos: You're on very thin ice right now Gavin. Don't make me regret letting you back into this school. In a classroom Marco: (On the TV announcements) Hey everybody. Just wanted to remind you that the safer s*x seminar will be held today after school in the gym so if you have any questions about safer s*x... Spinner: I tried to stop him. I really did. So much for helping you. Linus: Spinner this isn't about helping me. Okay it's about right and wrong. What do you think Ms. Hatzilakos would do if we went on there and told everyone what we believed? Ms. Anti-Christian. Spinner: It's like we're the bad guys. Linus: The system is against us Spinner: Well I'm sick of it. Linus: That's the spirit bro. We've got to take this school back. Make it safe for the normal people. In the library Darcy: No s*x is safe s*x? Spinner: Yup. We're fighting back, me and Linus. Darcy: It's a bit extreme don't you think? Spinner: So you want Marco giving out condoms? Darcy: No. Not really, but he has the right to. Spinner: Yeah that's what Ms. Hatzilakos said. Darcy: So... Spinner: So I don't answer to her okay? I answer to someone a lot higher. Darcy: Who? Linus? Have you ever listened to Linus? I mean really listened to him? He's got a lot of views that are- Spinner: You know maybe you should just stay out of this okay?! Darcy: Fine. (She leaves and Spinner is about to go after her when Linus walks in.) Linus: Woah. Seminar's starting. You ready? Spinner: Yeah I'm ready. At the seminar Spinner: Abstinence equals safe s*x. Marco: What are you doing? Are you out of your mind? What are you doing here with signs? Spinner: We have the right to protest. Paige: Like you have the faintest idea what you're protesting. Tim: We're just trying to educate people. Linus: You're promoting promiscuity. Alex: You're promoting stupidity. Ellie: You think it's better that people have unwanted babies? Linus: I think it's better if people don't have s*x unless they're married. Marco: Stop. Look just leave us alone. Go home, go to church, do whatever! Linus: Why don't you try going to church? Marco: I do. Every Sunday. (Marco shows him his necklace.) Linus: They let you in? Marco: What's that supposed to mean? Linus: I think you know exactly what it means. The bible's clear about sexual deviancy. Marco: What?! Who is this bigoted freak?! Linus: So I'm a freak? It's better than being a homo. Spinner: Woah guys. Take it easy. Marco: No Spinner shut up. You and your friend just go to hell. Linus: So we can visit you fag? (Marco starts beating Linus and Tim and Spinner pull him off.) Linus: Don't let them corrupt you Spinner. It's what they do. Spinner: Linus if I were you I would start walking now. (Linus leaves and then Marco storms out.) At Spike's party Liz: What's the surprise? Spike: With Caitlin in charge who knows? It'll be elegant anyway. Caitlin: Dinner is served! (The male strippers come in.) Spike: This is outrageous. Manny: Try the dynamite balls. Emma: I hear they're dynamite. Caitlin: I hope everybody's hungry because food is their specialty. (A stripper starts taking off his clothes and Spike notices his resemblance to Snake.) Stripper: Sorry. You don't like chocolate? Spike: No I love chocolate. You just look like somebody...my husband. (Spike starts crying.) At the Dot Spinner: There. It's on the house for still having anything to do with me. Darcy: I'm getting used to forgiving you. Spinner: If only my best friend could see it like that. Darcy: You should go over there. Spinner: It's like walking into the lion's den. Darcy: Come on Spin. What have you got to lose? Spinner: Uh Marco. I just wanted you to know I am never talking to Linus again. K either he is out of the Friendship Club or I am. Marco: Spin you do whatever you want 'cause really I couldn't care less about you and your stupid club. Spinner: I'm not like him okay? Ellie: Spinner this is not the time. Spinner: It's never going to be the time. Jimmy: You got that right. Spinner: Jimmy shut up. Marco I am not homophobic. You know that! Okay all I ever wanted to do was be your friend again. I screwed it up okay and I am really, really sorry. At Emma's house Spike: I feel terrible. Caitlin: In this case terrible is good. Well you said you and Snake are over. You need to start dealing with that. Spike: I can't. Caitlin: You don't have a choice hon. You said the relationship is over. Spike: Not for me. Caitlin I'm still in love with him. (Emma overhears and Spike starts crying again.) Outside the Dot Marco: Spinner. You really are lost, aren't you? Spinner: You have no idea. (Marco sits down and puts his arm around Spinner.)

The Friendship Club's opinions on sex and homosexuality threaten Spinner's newly repaired friendship with Marco. Meanwhile, Spike's friends visit her in order to cheer her up on her and Snake's third anniversary.

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_05x18

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_05x18_0

[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT] (Camera lingers on various Las Vegas city stock shots. It rises up toward the starry night sky, passes the moon and moves down to the woods.) [EXT. WOODS] (A man carrying a telescope kit walks through the grass and trees to find just the right spot. He opens his case and sets up the telescope.) (The man looks through the telescope.) SCOPE VIEW (Through the window of a nearby house, a man loosens his tie.) (The scope moves up and focuses in on the starry sky above.) RESUME VIEW (The man looks through the telescope. He pulls his eye away from the scope, then goes back to look through the scope.) SCOPE VIEW (Through the scope, we see the starry sky lit by an unnatural glow on the right side. The light on the right grows brighter and brighter.) RESUME VIEW (The man lifts his head from the scope. We notice that his right side is lit by this unnatural light.) (We also hear the crackling of fire.) (The man lifts his head and sniffs the air.) (We see burning particles flit across the screen. The man turns his head. The light is bright and upon him.) (Right next to him, the grounds are afire. A burning wall of fire makes its way toward him. The man backs away. He stumbles and falls to the ground.) (The burning block of fire moves toward him.) (The man screams.) (The screaming man rolls down the hill, burning.) (On the ground is the man's pair of glasses. Reflected in the glass is the burning figure of a man consumed by fire.) (The man screams echo in the night.) (Through the reflection in the glasses, we see the man fall to the ground as he continues to burn.) FLASH TO: [EXT. WOODS - NIGHT] (CLOSE-UP: The burned corpse.) (Grissom talks with the Chief Rick Dysart.) Chief Rick Dysart: Local homeowner called it in early. We got it contained pretty quick. We were lucky. Grissom: Luckier than he was. (Sara doesn't say anything. Grissom, Sara and Chief Rick Dysart are around the body.) Grissom: Low humidity, dry brush. Perfect conditions for maximum damage. Chief Rick Dysart: Firebugs listen to the weather reports just like we do. Only for different reasons. Sara: Maybe some moron just threw a cigarette out the car window. Chief Rick Dysart: You're an optimist. Grissom: Do you have a point of origin? Chief Rick Dysart: Not yet ... (Grissom and Chief Rick Dysart stand and look around.) Chief Rick Dysart: ... fire spread down the slope. Probably started along top of the ridge. I'll give you a shout when it's safe to come up. Sara: Okay, Mom. (Chief Rick Dysart smiles a little before he turns and heads back up the hill.) Grissom: This area was always a good place for stargazing. Sara: It's a good make-out spot, too. So I've heard. (Sara snaps photos. Grissom glances at her.) (Around them, the firefighters shoot water on the smoldering area.) (Grissom walks around. He looks around. He finds a second body under the trees. This one is just as burned.) Grissom: Sara! We've got another body. (The woman's eyes open.) Grissom: (shouts) Get the paramedics! FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (The ER hallway is bustling as Greg walks through it.) Woman: (over p.a.) Dr. Jacobs, dial 102, please. Dr. Jacobs ... (A nurse works on a woman patient sitting on a gurney.) Nurse: Are you okay? Is there anything else? (Greg walks up to the nurse.) Greg: I'm Greg Sanders from the Crime Lab. I'm here to collect trace from the arson victim. Nurse: She was in the burn unit. (points) Bay number three. Greg: Thanks. Nurse: You're welcome. (Greg heads for the burn unit.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - BURN UNIT (ROOM 408) - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (The door opens; Greg walks in. His steps slow down at what he sees.) (Inside the sterile burn unit, a team of four work on the woman on the table. Greg stares at them.) (The team work on removing and replacing the woman's burned skin. They work quickly and efficiently.) (The doctor steps up behind Greg. Greg turns around slightly, noting his presence.) Greg: I thought ... I just assumed she was dead. Burn Unit Doctor: It's a miracle she's not. This is as bad as it gets. Greg: How extensive are the burns? Burn Unit Doctor: Eighty percent. Mostly third degree. Greg: I hope the morphine's working. Burn Unit Doctor: Third degree burns are painless. The nerves are burned away. She's not conscious of what's happening to her. Greg: Not now. SHORT TIME CUT TO: [BURN UNIT -- CONTINUOUS] (Greg is inside the burn unit. He's wearing a white smock.) Greg: She's still a Jane Doe. I'm going to need all of her clothes, as well as any trace off her body. Burn Unit Doctor: We'll save whatever we find during debridement. Greg: Debridement? Burn Unit Doctor: We scrape off the dead flesh, then cover it with cadaver skin. We then wrap it with gauze. It prevents infection and allows the remaining tissue to heal. (Someone clips off the woman's wedding ring. Greg watches as they slip it off her finger. The doctor puts it in a metal pan.) Voice: Seventy over sixty. (He hands it to the burn unit doctor. The burn unit doctor hands the metal pan to Greg.) Burn Unit Doctor: She's gonna lose those fingers. (Greg looks up from the metal pan.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [EXT. STEWART RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (Dani Stewart is on a gurney as the EMTs wheel her away.) EMT 1: Continue chest compressions and manual oxygen. EMT 2: ... vital support. ETA to Palm Desert -- eight minutes. (The EMTs and the gurney pass Catherine, Warrick and Brass.) Brass: Just going through the motions. Kid's name is Dani Stewart; she's five. Neighbors saw her floating facedown in the pool from their second-story balcony, called 9-1-1. Warrick: Why didn't they pull her out? Brass: They couldn't get in the backyard gate. Childproof lock. Catherine: No key, no access. Warrick: Her parents protected that kid to death. Catherine: Where the hell were they? Brass: Home. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. STEWART RESIDENCE - KITCHEN -- NIGHT] (Brass leads Catherine and Warrick into the house. He stops near the doorway. Catherine and Warrick step inside.) Warrick: We'll call you, Dave, when we clear a path. David Phillips: Okay. (They walk in through the kitchen, shining their lights on the cluttered table top and counters. Half-eaten food on plates and food still on the cutting board shows they were interrupted at some point. The television set on the kitchen counter is still on.) [INT. STEWART RESIDENCE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Catherine and Warrick step out of the kitchen into the dining room. Catherine looks around and sees the various toys on the floor.) (We hear dripping sounds.) (Warrick follows the sounds into the living room. He sees the large decorated dish filled with blood. Blood drips down the stair wall as well. He follows the bloodstains and sees a bloodied arm hanging off the side of the stairs.) Warrick: Oh, man. (Catherine joins him as they get closer to the body.) Warrick: Whew. Well ... she obviously fell forward ... Catherine: ... as she ran down the stairs. (They head for the base of the stairs to climb up to the second floor.) Warrick: Lots of pictures of the kid. Family revolved around the child, huh? Catherine: Yeah, way should be. (They climb up the stairs. Catherine stops mid-way and sees the broken glass and picture frame of the family portrait still hanging on the stair wall askew.) Catherine: Struggle? (Warrick looks at the blood on the cracked glass.) Warrick: She might have put her hand out to break her fall. (The dripping sounds continue.) (Catherine and Warrick head upstairs to the second floor.) EXTREME CLOSE-UP: (SLOW MOTION) A SINGLE DROP OF BLOOD FALLS INTO THE LIQUID [INT. STEWART RESIDENCE - SECOND FLOOR BEDROOM -- NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Catherine and Warrick step into the second floor bedroom. They find a second body on the bed.) Warrick: Man. What a scene. (On the floor, they notice the broken shards of glass and mercury tip.) (The murder weapon is in the dead body's right hand. The man is on the bed, the back of the neck resting near the edge of the mattress. On the floor, the carpet is soaked through with a pool of blood.) Warrick: What are you thinking? Catherine: Maybe murder-suicide. (Warrick puts his kit down. He looks at the gun.) Warrick: I don't know. This gun looks like it might've been wiped clean. (Quick flash to: [EARLIER] A person holding the gun walks into the bedroom and finds the man sitting on the bed.) Catherine: (V.O.) You thinking professional hit? (The killer walks up to the man and shoots. The wife walks in and screams. She turns and runs. The killer chases her and fires.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) Warrick: What about the little girl? Catherine: Loose end. (Quick flash of: [EARLIER] Dani Stewart is floating in the swimming pool in her floater. The killer walks up behind her.) Dani Stewart: Mommy, why is everybody screaming? (End of flash. Resume to present.) Warrick: There are three bodies in three locations. A lot of variables. Where do you want to start? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. WOODS - DAY] (The fire has been put out. Burned trees smolder from the heat.) (Near the top of the hill, we see Grissom and Sara making their way up back toward the road.) (They reach the top where other emergency personnel are.) (Sara starts looking around. She finds something.) Sara: I've got ... the business end of a disposable lighter. Could be an ignition source. (Grissom walks over to her and snaps a couple of photos. She picks it up and looks at it.) Grissom: Hey. (Sara looks up. Grissom nods his head in a direction for her to look. He sees something.) Grissom: What's that? (They walk over to it. It's a smashed vodka bottle. Grissom snaps a couple of photos.) Sara: Possible accelerant. Grissom: Or possible martini. (He snaps more photos.) (Sara picks up the broken mouth end of the vodka bottle. She smells it.) Sara: I didn't think you could smell vodka. Grissom: Well, that depends on how long it was distilled. Sara: Cheap stuff. Grissom: Ironically, the word for vodka comes from the Russian phrase zhizennia voda. "Water of life." [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STEWART RESIDENCE - BACKYARD/POOLSIDE -- NIGHT] (CLOSE-UP: Garden statues of three bunnies - one adult bunny and two smaller bunnies.) (A tech uncaps a sample jar and gets a sample of pool water.) (David Phillips walks past on his way to the house.) [INT. STEWART RESIDENCE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (David Phillips walks through the dining room and approaches the stairs.) David Phillips: Hey. (Warrick is dusting the stair railing.) Warrick: Hey, Super Dave. David Phillips: You have any idea when I might be able to process the bodies? (David Phillips starts up the stairs. Warrick dabs the back of his wrist to his forehead as David walks past.) Warrick: Uh ... that'd be a question for the boss lady. She's upstairs to the right. David Phillips: Thanks. Warrick: Yeah. (David heads upstairs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. STEWART RESIDENCE - SECOND FLOOR BEDROOM -- NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Catherine and Nick are in the bedroom. Nick is working behind a large piece of equipment. Catherine sets up the red laser light. She takes out a flashlight and looks at the bed sheets.) Catherine: I've got some long hairs on the pillow -- brunette. Wife was a blonde. Nick: So was the daughter, right? Catherine: Yeah. Nick: Well, I'll collect the sheets as soon as I'm finished up here. (David walks into the room.) David Phillips: Hey, Catherine, um, I was wondering if I ... Catherine: Oh, I'm sorry, David. We're going to need to keep the bodies in their original position for a while longer. (Catherine collects the hair strands and puts them in a bindle.) Nick: Yeah. Crime scene this messy, gotta bust out the big guns. You know what I mean? (David leaves the room.) Hey, did you know that Ecklie volunteered the lab to evaluate this scanner for Third Tech? Catherine: I'm sure he's hoping they'll give us one for free. Nick: Hmmm. I wouldn't count on it. But I am definitely going to enjoy using this while it's here. Virtual crime scene sketch. Sure beats doing it by hand. (The red laser starts from the machine and scans around the room. The image is reconstructed onto the monitor.) (Nick presses a couple of buttons.) (On the monitor, the wire-frame of the crime scene room rotates.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE -- DAY] (Brass interviews Annabelle Frost.) Anabelle Frost: The whole family ... dead? Dani, too? She just had her birthday. Brass: How long have you been Morgan Stewart's assistant? Anabelle Frost: Uh ... about two years now. Brass: Did you and Morgan ever see each other outside of work? Anabelle Frost: Well ... I baby-sat Dani sometimes for some extra cash. I'm putting myself through school. Brass: We found a brown hair in his bed. Your color. Anabelle Frost: I wasn't sleeping with Morgan, and if you knew him, you wouldn't bother implying it. He was devoted to his wife. He was a ... he was a wonderful father. Brass: Hmm. Were you ever in his bedroom? Anabelle Frost: (scoffs) No. Brass: Then you wouldn't mind giving us a sample of your hair. Anabelle Frost: No. Be glad to ... as soon as you show me a court order. Brass: You know how that makes you look? Anabelle Frost: Save it. I'm pre-law. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (Greg uses a hand-held device and tests the level of hydrocarbons on the victim's burned clothes.) (The beeping speeds up as Greg measures the top part of the woman's jacket near the pocket.) (He puts the device down and removes something from the victim's pocket.) (Grissom appears in the doorway.) Grissom: I hear our victim is still alive. Greg: I don't see why. Grissom: Well, she's not ready to let go yet. Greg: A plastic card. I found traces of alcohol all over her clothes. She was doused in it. Grissom: The accelerant and the probable ignition source were found at the top of the hill. Greg: That was the point of origin. Grissom: But the victim was found, almost completely burned, at the bottom of the hill. (Greg nods.) Grissom: I don't think she was caught in the fire ... (Quick flash of: [NIGHT] The woman screams as she burns. She trips and falls down the side of the hill.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: I think she started it. (Quick flash of: The large ball of fire rolling down the hill straight for the camera.) SMASH CUT TO BLACK. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (Sara processes the glass from the vodka bottle for fingerprints.) (A print is found and is scanned into the computer. The computer searches for a MATCH to the print. The monitor reads: << PATRICK BROMLEY >> HGT: 6'2" WGT: 205 LBS EYES: HAIR: BROWN RACE: CAUCASIAN ADDRESS: TALARUS COURT APARTMENTS 91334 RANCHO DR., APT #24- LAS VEGAS, NV 89156 WORK HISTORY: 2001 - 2003 PALMS CASINO BUS BOY 2004 - CURRENT DAWSON TRUCKING COMPANY DR-- {PHOTO ON LEFT} Sara: (V.O.) I got a work card hit off the vodka bottle -- a Patrick Bromley. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (Sara walks with Grissom through the hallway and fills him in on what she's found.) Sara: He used to bus tables at the Palms. These days, he's driving a big rig. Grissom: He's a trucker. Let me guess: He's on the road. Sara: According to his employer, yes. Vartann is working at bringing him in. (They turn into the lab.) [INT. CSI - LAB - CONTINUOUS] Sara: (continuous) But, as it turns out, the company tracks its drivers via GPS, and they were kind enough -- under threat of subpoena -- to give me access to Mr. Bromley's route data for the last 24 hours. (Sara types in the route data for BROMLEY, P. The map appears with emphasis on: STOP: Exit 19 A TIME: 12:49 AM 33, 10, 11: LATITUTDE 110, 05, 24: LONGITUDE Sara: And what do you know. Grissom: He was in the area of the fire an hour before the alarm went out? Sara: Yes. And about a half hour before that, he made a stop at the local Gas 'n' Sip. (She brings up info on another stop on Blue Diamond RD. STOP: Exit 30 B TIME: 12:19 AM 36, 12, 52: LATITUTDE 115, 10, 08: LONGITUDE Grissom: Well, see if the store's got video surveillance. Sara: Done. Footage is on its way in. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) -- NIGHT] [EXT. TRUCK STOP - NIGHT] (Sara and Det. Vartann interview Patrick Bromley, who is holding a cardboard drink holder with cups.) Patrick Bromley: You got my dispatcher crawling all over my ass for the past five hours. You know, you pull off a route, that costs me money. Det. Vartann: Hey ... shut up. Sara: Why don't you tell us about your friend here. (He watches security camera video of Tara Matthews in a pink sweater getting into Patrick Bromley's truck.) Patrick Bromley: She's not my friend. I picked her up hitching out on Sunset. Det. Vartann: Did she tell you her name? Patrick Bromley: Never came up. Sara: Where and when did you see her last? Patrick Bromley: Dropped her off on Blue Diamond Road. Det. Vartann: In the middle of nowhere, just like that? Patrick Bromley: Yeah. She wanted out. Sara: I bet she did. Where did you get the, uh, scratches on your neck? Patrick Bromley: A bar fight, couple of nights ago. Det. Vartann: Hey, do you mind if we look inside your truck? Patrick Bromley: If that's what's gonna get me back on the road. (Sara climbs into the truck and looks around. In the back of the truck, she finds a woman's pink sweater.) (Sara pops out of the truck and holds the pink sweater up.) Sara: Mr. Bromley! Pink is not your color. (Det. Vartann takes the cardboard container from Patrick Bromley and drops it on the ground as he puts the handcuffs on him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT] Patrick Bromley: Look, I was just trying to help that chick out. Sara: And then you helped yourself. (Quick flash to: [BACK OF TRUCK - NIGHT] Tara Matthews struggles against Patrick Bromley.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Patrick Bromley: Uh-uh. Wasn't like that. Det. Vartann: Are you saying you never touched her? Patrick Bromley: No way. I mean, yeah ... the girl was ready to party. We had a couple drinks, and a smoke. She was definitely checking me out, but I'm a happily married man. I just gave her a ride. Sara: We already know what you did. (Quick flash to: [EXT. TRUCK - NIGHT] Tara Matthews' back hits the truck. Patrick Bromley raises the bottle of vodka, spilling it over Tara Matthews, drenching her in the flammable liquid. He drops the bottle and takes out a lighter.) (He flicks the lighter on.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) Patrick Bromley: Looks like you guys already got your answers. Which means I want a lawyer. [SCENE_BREAK] [CLOSE-UP OF CRIME SCENE PHOTOS] (Warrick goes through the photos of the bedroom crime scene.) Warrick: Bobby matched the bullets to the gun that was found at the scene. He also ran a registration check. [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (Catherine, Nick and Warrick walk through the hallway.) Catherine: Let me guess: Gun was clean. Warrick: No, it was registered to Morgan Stewart. Nick: So, what, we're looking at a murder-suicide? Guy kills his family and then turns the gun on himself? Warrick: Well, you know it's a possibility. Brass pulled his financials. Morgan Stewart was in debt up to his eyeballs. He was in danger of losing his house. Catherine: Never underestimate the fragility of the male ego. (Warrick laughs wryly; Nick smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (Robbins goes over the body with Catherine. The plastic rod is inserted into the bullet hole in the underside of the victim's chin.) Robbins: Bullet enters with a marginal abrasion on the underside of the chin. The wound path traverses the oral cavity, brain, and the high scalp, just right of the mid-line. Bullet exited with a stellate laceration in the right parietal scalp. (Robbins turns to the second body on the second exam table. A plastic rod is inserted into the bullet hole in the victim's back.) Robbins: Mrs. Stewart ... bullet penetrates the back. The hemorrhagic wound paths traverse the skin, subcutaneous tissue, and the deep musculature on the right side of the back. Trajectory is back to front, right to left and slightly downward. Catherine: And what about the daughter? (Robbins opens the morgue cabinet door where Dani Stewart's body is. He pulls the table out and lifts the sheet.) Robbins: Cause of death was drowning. Catherine: Any trauma to the body? (Robbins puts the sheet back.) (Robbins walks over to the x-ray viewbox.) Robbins: I noticed a fracture on the left fourth costosternal junction-- with virtually no hemorrhage -- caused by excessive pressure on the upper aspect of chest. Catherine: Broken rib. Now, I know the paramedics performed CPR ... Robbins: Right, but the EMTs' report states that she already had the injury when they found her at the scene. Catherine: So maybe this all started with the accidental death of a child. (Quick flash to: [EXT. POOLSIDE - DAY] Corrine Stewart sees Tara Matthews floating head down in the pool. She screams and runs over to the pool, jumping in to get her daughter.) Corinne Stewart: Oh, my God! (She grabs Dani out of the pool.) (Cut to: Corinne performs CPR on Dani.) (Quick CGI POV of: Camera zooms in on Dani's chest. The rib cage is viewed as Corinne starts CPR. End of CGI POV.) (Corinne cries.) Catherine: (V.O.) Wife tells her husband, whose mental state is already hanging by a thread ... (Flash as: Corinne turns and sees Morgan Stewart standing behind her. He says something to her.) (He reaches into the drawer and takes out the handgun. He raises the gun and points it at Corinne.) (Corinne turns and runs.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) Robbins: Eh, that works. Catherine: Except how do you perform CPR on your child and then toss her back into the pool? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (Grissom and Mia Dickerson walk through the hallway as she reports to him.) Grissom: Did you get an I.D. on our arson victim yet? Mia Dickerson: I ran the DNA through CODIS and Missing Persons, and I came up empty. But one thing I do know is that one of her markers is out of the control range. Grissom: "Off-ladder" peak? Mia Dickerson: You talk the talk, but did you know the frequency of that anomaly is one in every 250? Grissom: I learn something new every day around here. (They walk out of camera frame.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (Greg processes a burned piece of paper found on Tara Matthews.) (The paper reads: (LIC)ENSE EXTENSION 02/02/04 EXPIRATION DATE: 02/??/0- TARA MATTHEWS 17011 COLLIE LN LAS VEGAS NV 8910? ONLY *** TO ORIGINAL *** (Greg smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MATTHEWS' RESIDENCE -- DAY] (Greg and Grissom interview Neal Matthews.) (Camera opens on the framed photos hanging in the hallway. There are three, all of Neal and Tara Matthews.) Grissom: Mr. Matthews ... when was the last time you saw your wife? Neal Matthews: Last night, about six. Greg: She hasn't been home since? Neal Matthews: No. We had a fight, she left. It's happened before. Grissom: Do you have a lot of fights? (He sighs.) Neal Matthews: I don't know; what's a lot? Look, things have been a little rough for us lately. Tara's been on anti-depressants for awhile. I own my own business, so she's home most of the time. What's this all about? Where's my wife? (Greg looks at Grissom.) Grissom: She's been in an accident. (Neal Matthews takes a deep breath.) Neal Matthews: I want to see her. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - BURN UNIT - DAY] (CLOSE-UP: MONITOR VIEW OF TARA MATTHEWS. The monitor beeps and the ventilator hisses. The camera moves down off the monitor and we see Tara Matthews in bed completely wrapped in gauze bandages. The burn unit finishes wrapping gauze around her burned leg.) [OBSERVATION ROOM] (Greg and Neal Matthews look into the room through the glass.) Neal Matthews: I don't know who that is, but ... that's not my wife. That's not Tara. (Greg holds up the small evidence bag.) Greg: Is this her ring? Neal Matthews: Oh, my God. (The label on the evidence bag reads: WEDDING RING BURN UNIT *** *** S. SIDLE ) (Neal Matthews looks at the ring. He starts crying.) Neal Matthews: Oh, my God. Tara. (Inside the burn unit, we're shown Tara's hand wrapped in gauze, the blood stains from where her fingers used to be starting to soak through.) Neal Matthews: How did this happen? (Greg swallows.) Greg: We're still investigating. Neal Matthews: All day ... I've been waiting for her to get home. I was really going to make it up to her. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (Greg holds a small glass sample container in his hand and looks at Tara Matthews' fingers inside. He stares at its contents.) (Grissom walks in through the doorway. He watches Greg.) Grissom: How'd it go at the hospital? Greg: About as well as could be expected. Doctors had to amputate the fingers from her right hand. Too great a risk for infection. (Greg puts the container down on the table.) Greg: They gave them to me to process for trace. Grissom: You've pulled a double, Greg. You need a break. I'll process it. (Greg looks at Grissom. Grissom nods back, encouraging him to take that break.) Greg: Thanks. (Greg stands up and leaves. Grissom puts on a glove and sits down.) (Grissom looks at the container and uncaps it. He takes the finger out and looks at it.) (He picks up a magnifying glass and looks at the finger.) (He flips the finger over and sees something underneath near the first knuckle.) (He stares at it.) [INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM] (Sofia Curtis walks into the locker room where she finds Greg sitting on the bench.) Sofia Curtis: Hey. Greg: Hey. (She opens her locker.) Sofia Curtis: What's the problem? Greg: Nothing. I'm fine. (She puts her bag down inside.) Sofia Curtis: You're not. Greg: I feel like a wuss. Grissom told me I should take a break, and I did. Sofia Curtis: Your burn victim. Greg: (nods) How do you get an image like that out of your mind? Sofia Curtis: You go home. You, uh ... hug your cat, your dog, your pillow. You have a beer, you watch a movie, and then you come back tomorrow. Greg: Is that supposed to make me feel better? Sofia Curtis: Rumor has it you used to be a pretty funny guy. (She closes her locker.) Don't lose that. (Sofia leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- DNA LAB] (Various cuts of: Mia Dickerson looks at the bed sheet under an ALS.) (The Crime Evidence tag reads: BEDSHEET STEWART RESIDENCE LPD 150389-?????? (She circles the stains she finds.) (She cuts the stains out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- TRACE LAB -- CONTINUOUS] (As Mia works, Hodges watches her through the glass walls. He sighs.) (In the doorway, Catherine watches Hodges.) Catherine: It's hard to look and not touch, isn't it? (Hodges is startled.) Hodges: That poor kid has been working her tail off. Only fair, considering how DNA gets most of the glory these days. Catherine: Have something for me? Hodges: Of course. (Catherine walks into the lab and over to Hodges, who shows her the print results.) Hodges: The dark hairs you found on Morgan Stewart's bed were not a match to his wife. Pretty bold, to bring another woman into his matrimonial bed. Begging to get caught. Catherine: Well, so far, you haven't told me anything I didn't already know. (Hodges points to the monitor.) Hodges: This is the broken glass and paper found on the floor of the master bedroom. Catherine: Uh, looks like a thermometer. Hodges: Yes, but what kind? Catherine: Do tell. Hodges: Notice how the gradations are broken down by tenths of a degree? Catherine: Yes. And most thermometers aren't that specific. Hodges: Correct. It's a BBT, a Basal Body Temperature thermometer, used by women to pinpoint a temperature spike that occurs ... Catherine: ... during ovulation. I know. It maximizes your chance of conception. So ... Corinne Stewart, I guess, was trying to have another baby. Hodges: With no clue as to what her husband was doing when she was out of the house. Catherine: Or with whom. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (Mia catches Grissom in the hallway.) Mia Dickerson: Grissom -- hey, it's about your arson victim. Grissom: Greg beat you to it. I got an I.D. (Grissom continues walking.) Mia Dickerson: Yeah, well, I got something you don't have. (Grissom stops walking and turns around.) [INT. CSI -- DNA LAB - CONTINUOUS] (Mia shows Grissom and Catherine the results on the monitor.) Mia Dickerson: This is the standard ladder of alleles that I run against every unknown DNA. And it contains all of the commonly encountered alleles within the population. As you can see, at locus d3 the alleles are 12 through 19. Catherine: Which is normal. Mia Dickerson: Right. Now, as you can see on the sample on the bottom, the locus d3 alleles are 15 and 21. Catherine: Not normal. The 21 allele is outside the normal range. Grissom: An "off-ladder" peak. Like Tara Matthews. Mia Dickerson: Right. This is her profile. And this ... (She drag and drops the two together.) Mia Dickerson: ... is the DNA that was extracted from the vaginal contribution to the sheets at the Stewart house. Catherine: Tara Matthews' DNA in Morgan Stewart's bed. Grissom: (smugly) We're working the same case. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- NIGHT] (Grissom, Sara, Catherine and Warrick meet to go over their cases together.) Grissom: There were several spots of high density polyethylene embedded in the fingers of Tara Matthews' right hand. Sara: According to Hodges, the material is consistent with the plastic tanks in most disposable lighters. (She picks up a photo and hands it to Warrick.) We found the top of one at the scene of the fire. Warrick: Well, heat melts plastic and butane will explode under pressure. Catherine: So the lighter blew up in her hand? Are you saying that she ... set herself on fire? (Quick flash to: [ROADSIDE - NIGHT] Tara Matthews pours the vodka over her head. She drops the bottle and takes out a lighter. She flicks the lighter on and catches on fire.) (Quick CGI POV: The fire burns her and goes back to her hand holding the lighter. It explodes.) (White flash back to present.) Sara: It was attempted suicide. She'd been assaulted by a truck driver shortly before her death. She was clinically depressed. She was having problems in her marriage. Grissom: You know, some eastern cultures believe that fire cleanses the soul. Catherine: Well, Tara Matthews was having s*x with Morgan Stewart. So, if she attempted suicide several hours after the Stewarts died, she's a possible suspect. Grissom: Yeah, but just having her DNA in the bed doesn't prove she was there for the murders. Sara: What about Tara's husband Neal? Warrick: Well, according to Brass, Neal and Morgan were good friends since they were kids. Neal was good at making money, and Morgan was good at making debts. Sara: Maybe Morgan was jealous of Neal, sleeps with Tara out of spite, Corinne finds out ... Grissom: And three people end up dead. So the critical question remains. If Morgan shot himself, then he's the prime suspect in the murders, but if he, in fact, was murdered, then somebody else was in the house. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - BURN UNIT - OBSERVATION ROOM -- NIGHT] (Neal Matthews sits in a chair in the observation room doorway looking at his wife inside. Brass walks up to him. He looks at Tara Matthews in the burn bed.) Brass: Mr. Matthews. Detective Jim Brass, Las Vegas Police. How's your wife doing? Neal Matthews: How does it look like she's doing? (Brass turns around and looks at Neal Matthews.) Brass: You know, I just have a couple of questions. Maybe we should talk outside. Neal Matthews: We can talk here. Brass: Okay. You know, when the detective interviewed you earlier, why didn't you tell him that your best friend and his family had just been killed? Neal Matthews: I didn't know then. Brass: Were you at Morgan's house yesterday? Neal Matthews: No. Brass: How about your wife? Neal Matthews: Not that I know of. Why would she? Brass: Well, she's been spending a lot of time there. Neal Matthews: What's that supposed to mean? Brass: Your wife was having an affair with your best friend. Look, I feel for you, Neal; I do. Friends don't sleep with their friend's wives. Neal Matthews: You think you know how I feel? Brass: Guilty? I don't know. Neal Matthews: (scoffs ironically) Yeah. I do feel guilty. I was unable to give my wife what she needed. If she went to Morgan, that's the reason. She never handled rejection well. Brass: So, if Morgan rejected her, how would she have taken that? Neal Matthews: Badly. Brass: Bad enough to kill? (He looks at Brass.) Neal Matthews: (shakes his head) Not Tara. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB] (MONITOR: Morgan Stewart Crime Scene. Nick is working on the 3-D digital image on the monitor. He goes from photo to wire frame. The bullet trajectory angles are indicated through dotted lines.) (Warrick walks into the lab.) Warrick: How's it going? Nick: Hey. Nick: Checking out trajectory angles. This is the shot coming out of Morgan's body. Warrick: What's the trajectory going into the wall? Nick: Oh, the wall trajectory is a constant. Morgan's is the variable here. Warrick: Well, there's no way those lines are gonna match up with Morgan all the way over on the bed. Nick: So let's make them line up. (Nick moves Morgan from the bed to the floor. The trajectory angles match.) Warrick: Hang on. If he shot himself there ... how did he end up on the bed? Nick: He was moved. Warrick: Where is the blood spatter from the initial wound? Nick: Wait. Morgan's wound bled out here. The blood puddle covered the initial spatter. (Quick flash to: [STEWART RESIDENCE] The killer grabs Morgan, aims the gun and fires. Blood spatters on the carpet.) (White flash to: The killer moves Morgan Stewart to the bed and puts the gun in his hand. The blood from the wound falls onto the carpet.) (Several dissolves on a close-up of the blood puddle: Over time, the puddle of blood gets bigger and bigger.) (End of flashes. Resume to present.) Warrick: There was someone else in that room. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MATTHEWS RESIDENCE - HALLWAY] (Grissom and Sara are at the house. They pass by the framed photos on the wall.) Nick: (V.O.) So maybe Neal or Tara Matthews has blood on their clothes. Warrick: (V.O.) Time to check the house. (Camera lingers on a photo of Tara and Neal smiling.) [SCENE_BREAK] VARIOUS SCENES OF SARA AND GRISSOM IN THE HOUSE (Sara turns on the ALS and checks the clothes in the closet.) (Grissom opens a door to a nursery all in white.) (Sara picks up hanger by hanger and runs the clothes through the ALS.) (Grissom stands in front of the vanity and closes the overhead cabinet door) (Sara continues to check the clothes.) (Grissom looks at the items on the vanity.) (Sara checks Tara's shoes.) (Grissom opens the vanity drawer and looks inside.) (Sara checks Neal Matthews' shoes. Under one of the sneakers, she finds a piece of broken glass. She removes the glass sliver from the rubber and looks at it.) (Camera zooms for a close-up of the glass sliver.) (Grissom searches through the drawer. He finds a basal thermometer from the BLESSINGS FERTILITY CENTER (800) 555-0185.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - CATHERINE'S OFFICE] (Grissom rushes up to Catherine's office. He hastily knocks on the door. Catherine looks up from her desk.) Grissom: You found a basal thermometer at the Stewart house? Catherine: Yeah. It was crushed on the master bedroom floor. Why? (He holds up the evidence bag.) Grissom: I found one in Tara Matthews' vanity drawer. Catherine: I was just looking at Corinne Stewart's autopsy report. Uh ... she had a tubal ligation, so ... she obviously wasn't trying to have kids. Grissom: Tara was. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - BURN UNIT - TARA'S ROOM] (Tara is in bed and hooked up to a ventilator. Yellowish urine drains out from a catheter tubing.) (Someone is taking a urine sample out from the bag on the side of the bed.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (Robbins holds up the container of Tara Matthews' urine sample. He opens the container and sticks the stick inside. The tip of the stick is blue-ish.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] (Catherine sits in front of Grissom's desk and reports.) Catherine: So it's been confirmed. Tara Matthews is pregnant. Grissom: Third-degree burns on most of her body and she doesn't miscarry? Catherine: A mother's body is designed to protect her baby. I don't know, all that trauma and morphine ... it'll be a miracle if she brings it to term. Grissom: Do we have any idea who the father is? Catherine: Too early to tell. She's just a few weeks pregnant. Grissom: Okay, we know that Morgan and Tara were having s*x. The broken basal thermometer we found in the bedroom implies that she was trying to conceive with him, and not her husband. Catherine: Neal could've been shooting blanks. GRISSOM: Well, medical records will confirm that. CATHERINE; And Neal and Morgan were best friends ... Grissom: ... somebody she may have felt comfortable with. (Quick flash to: [STEWART RESIDENCE - BEDROOM] Morgan opens the bedroom door and finds Morgan in bed with Tara.) Catherine: (V.O.) Neal catches Morgan in bed with his wife ... Neal Matthews: Hey, buddy! Tara Matthews: Let me explain ... Neal Matthews: Shut up! (Neal heads for the bedside table. He steps on the basal thermometer.) Catherine: (V.O.) And now, he knows where the best friend keeps his gun. (He opens the bedside drawer and takes out the gun.) (End of flash. Resume to present. Grissom: The glass in Neal's shoe just puts him at the scene. We didn't find any blood on the clothes we recovered from his house. Catherine: Clothes are easy to dump. The glass was an oversight; he didn't even know it was there. Grissom: Or maybe he didn't kill anybody. Catherine: Which leaves Tara. Grissom: There was no blood on her clothes either. At least nothing at the house. And the clothes she was wearing went up in flames. (Catherine looks at the open file folder in her lap and looks at the EVIDENCE sheet.) PACKAGE #4597-1 ITEM #17 TWO MEN'S SOCKS PACKAGE #4597-2 ITEM #18 PINK SWEATER, WOMEN'S SIZE: MEDIUM ITEM #19 BOOK OF MATCHES ITEM #20 TRUCKER'S LOG BOOK ) Catherine: Not everything. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (Catherine runs the pink sweater under the ALS. She finds something and reaches for the scissors to cut it out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (Hodges opens the bindle and takes out the piece of pink sweater. He cuts a piece off and processes it.) (The labels on the tubing read: IN #27 *N *28 [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (Brass interviews Neal Matthews. His lawyer sits next to him.) Brass: We got a problem, Neal. We found chlorine from the Stewarts' pool on your wife's sweater. That puts her at the scene. We're going to be charging her with the murders. Neal Matthews: Whatever happened, Tara couldn't have done it on purpose. It must've been some sort of accident. Brass: Well, the way we see it, you know, Tara went back to Morgan's house to tell him that she was pregnant with his child, and ... what, she told you the baby was yours? Neal Matthews: (nods) Yeah. Brass: And you believed her? Neal Matthews: We were trying to have a baby. Why wouldn't I? Brass: Oh, well, sure. I mean, you and Morgan are close enough in looks. She probably would've gotten away with it. Neal Matthews: She always said that a woman without a child of her own wasn't a woman. We tried in vitro fertilization a half a dozen times. Brass: Yeah, we know. We subpoenaed your medical records. You had bad sperm. (Neal nods.) Anyway ... Tara went over to try to get Morgan to leave his family, he said no, she flipped out, she went nuts. She's got a history of depression, right? Neal Matthews: Right. Brass: I mean, I suppose Morgan got what he deserved. But just because you're defective doesn't mean that Tara's gonna jump in bed with him. Neal Matthews: I told Tara we could adopt. She wouldn't. Brass: And Corinne and the kid ... wrong place, wrong time, I guess. Neal Matthews: She wanted to have a family so bad ... Brass: ... and you couldn't give it to her, so she took her business elsewhere. And it didn't take long for Morgan to hit a home run ... Neal Matthews: Stop talking about it like that. Brass: Look, Neal. Just because she's lying burned up in a hospital room carrying your best friend's kid ... (Everyone starts shouting at each other.) Neal Matthews: No! Brass: ... Isn't going to cut it with the D.A. Neal Matthews: No, I'm ... Brad Lewis (lawyer): Look, Neal, not another word. Brass: She killed three people. Neal Matthews: (shouts) I want you to shut up! Just shut up! Brad Lewis (lawyer): Neal, please. Let's go. Brass: Go ahead and walk. Go ahead, let Tara take the fall. She's probably not gonna make it anyway. Neal Matthews: I love my wife. Brad Lewis (lawyer): Please, Neal. Let's go. Brass: We know you were there. We got a fragment from a basal thermometer found in your shoe. Neal Matthews: You don't know anything about her. Brass: I know she wanted a baby more than she wanted to be your wife; I know that much. So tell me what I don't know. (Neal nods and falls silent.) Neal Matthews: We were just hanging out, having a couple beers and I got a splinter. (Quick flashback to: [STEWART RESIDENCE - BATHROOM - DAY] The bathroom door opens.) Neal Matthews: (V.O.) Morgan said the tweezers were up in his bathroom. (Neal opens the medicine cabinet and finds the basal thermometer. Suddenly, he knows what's going on.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) Neal Matthews: He said it was Corinne's idea. They were just trying to help us. (Quick flash of: [BEDROOM] Morgan tries to explain but Neal is too angry.) Morgan Stewart: We did it for Tara. Neal Matthews: You slept with my wife! (Neal starts hitting Morgan. He reaches for the gun in the bedside table drawer.) Morgan Stewart: No. (They struggle for the gun.) Morgan Stewart: Corinne! (Outside, Corinne is watching Dani in the pool. She turns when she hears Morgan call her.) (Inside, Neal steps on the basal thermometer, breaking it.) Morgan Stewart: (o.s.) Corinne! Call the police! (Outside, Corinne turns.) Dani Stewart: Mommy. I want to get out. Corinne Stewart: Morgan! (Corinne heads for the house.) (Inside, Neal shoots Morgan just as Corinne reaches the bedroom door.) Corinne Stewart: Morgan! (Neal turns around and sees Corinne. Corinne turns and runs.) Corinne Stewart: Morgan! (Neal gets up and follows her. There's a second gunshot.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) Neal Matthews: She ran. She was going to call the cops. I was just trying to stop her. Brass: You shot her. (Neal Matthews nods.) Brass: What about Dani? Neal Matthews: I didn't know what else to do, so I called Tara. When she came over, saw what I'd done ... She just freaked out. (Quick flash to: [STEWART RESIDENCE - DAY] Tara runs toward the house. Neal is crying as he paces back and forth in front of the pool. She hits Neal as he explains.) Neal Matthews: I made it look like Morgan shot Corinne and then he killed himself. Tara Matthews: Are you out of your mind? Do you know what you've done? Neal Matthews: This is all because of you. (End of flash. Resume to present.) Brass: Neal ... what happened to Dani? (Quick flashback to: Tara turns.) Tara Matthews: Dani! (She runs and jumps into the pool. Dani is floating inside. She grabs Dani.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) Neal Matthews: She said we didn't deserve to live, neither one of us. And then she just ran out the door. I was afraid she was going to try to kill herself. All we wanted was a baby. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - DAWN] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (The body bag is zipped up over Morgan Stewart.) (The coroners stand around the table pulling the plastic bag over Corinne Stewart.) (The body of Dani Stewart is zipped up.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - BURN UNIT] (Tara Matthews is on the bed. The camera stops in front of the monitor focused on Tara Matthews' face.) (Her eyes flutter open.)

Greg, Sara and Grissom investigate a scene of a bush fire which led to the death of a man and the 3rd degree burns of a woman. Catherine, Nick and Warrick solve a case involving the death of an entire family. The father is found dead on his bed, apparently from suicide. The mother was shot while running downstairs and their little daughter drowned to death in the pool.

fd_Bones_03x01

fd_Bones_03x01_0

"Widow's Son in the Windshield" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Open: Freeway at night with trucks and cars driving by.) (Cut to: A car with three Sk8r kids: the driver, a girl and a boy in the backseat.) DRIVER: What I'm saying is... in this world there are the 'visercal' and the 'ineffable'. BACKSEAT GIRL: Nobody's totally UN-eff-able. BACKSEAT GUY: Hah, Virgins are! I mean, you are like the total opposite of UN-effable. DRIVER: IN-effable! And it doesn't mean what you think. It means like you can't describe it in words. BACKSEAT GIRL: Describe what? "Life Sucks?" (Car swerves) DRIVER: You have zero vocab skills! BACKSEAT GIRL: You're bitter, because you're the designated driver and we're not. BACKSEAT GUY: Whoa, dude. What does that even mean, "designated"? (Cut to: Freeway. Overhead shot shows a skull falling off the walkway bridge crossing the freeway, bouncing off a truck.) (Intercut back: the S8ters' car.) DRIVER: (Seeing something) What the hell was that? (A skull is suddenly embedded to the windshield. Car swerves off completely.) Screams. (Cut to: The Jeffersonian's Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. There is a skeleton on a lighted table. Dr. Clark Edison, hoping to replace Zack Addy, is being quizzed Dr. Temperance Brennan and Dr. Cam Sayoran.) EDISON: Male. Mid-30s. Attachment size suggests he was well-muscled, probably due to manual labor rather than, uh, weight training. CAM: Okay. What killed him? EDISON: The sternal ribs were subluxated, at both the spine and the sternum. (FBI Agent Seeley Booth enters the Platform.) BRENNAN: Indicating that he was ... crushed? EDISON: Not crushed. Pinned. Smothered? Perhaps in an industrial accident? BOOTH: This the guy Bones is checking out to replace Zack? CAM: Clark Edison, meet Special Agent Seeley Booth. EDISON: Hey what's up? Bones? Hey that's funny. That's what all my friends called me back in college. BOOTH: Yah, I like him. You gotta a minute? One minute? EDISON: Oh, are, are you going to a crime scene? Do you need me? BRENNAN: I'll let you know. (Bones and Booth go, leaving Edison and Cam alone.) EDISON: Did I get it right? CAM: Yes. Construction worker. Foundation collapse. EDISON: But I'm not impressing her. CAM: I'm still not completely certain what Dr. Brennan thinks of me. (Cut to: Exterior - crime scene.) BONES: Why am I here? BOOTH: Y'know, you used to like come out to the field. (They talk over each other.) BRENNAN: No car fires, no tanker barrels ... BOOTH: You used to insist to me... BRENNAN: ... full of acid. No explosions... BOOTH: ... you were insistent... BRENNAN: ... Don't tell me you brought me out here for a car accident... BOOTH: ...Now you're just anxious to get back, y'know, I can barely get you out of your lab coat. BRENNAN: Well, with Zack gone, I'm needed at the Jeffersonian. BOOTH: Well that, that kid seemed pretty good, with the sublixicated sternacallum thing... (Disappointed at her lack of response) You used to correct me. BRENNAN: Why am I here, Booth? (Sees the skull on the windshield) Ohhh... BOOTH: So, um, it's been three months since Zack shipped off to Iraq? BRENNAN: Uh-huh. BOOTH: How hard can it be to replace him? BRENNAN: (Examining the skull on the windshield) Male. Caucasian. BOOTH: Yah, I'm just saying. I mean, you at the lab; me at the field - we are not working at our full symbiotic potential. BRENNAN: Late teens or early twenties. Completely devoid of flesh or odor. BOOTH: It just seems like, maybe you don't want to work with me anymore? BRENNAN: I work with you. BOOTH: You know what I mean, Bones. BRENNAN: How did this skull get here? BOOTH: Ask our eyewitness. Come on! DRIVER: My mom is gonna kill me. BOOTH: Let's go, buddy. DRIVER: I am not high! BRENNAN: Neither am I. Why is he telling me that? BOOTH: He had a car reeked of dope. So, tell her what happened. DRIVER: I was driving behind a dump truck, and THAT came flying out off the back. BONES: Do you think the rest of the skeleton is still in the truck? DRIVER: No. BRENNAN: Why? DRIVER: Didn't come flying OUT, came flying OFF. It bounced. BOOTH: Oh, bouncing skull! BRENNAN: Perhaps you thought that because you are under the influence of tetrahydrocannabinol? DRIVER: What? BOOTH: Weed. DRIVER: I wasn't high! I'm the designated driver, alright! I... Look, you piss test me if you want! BRENNAN: It's possible. If the truck were traveling at certain rate of speed... the wind vortex or shear could occur, capable of flinging the skull like... (sees that Booth is distracted) What? What, Booth? BOOTH: Bones? (He points behind her.) BRENNAN: (Looks to where Booth indicates: the overpass, where some spectators are hanging out) But, why would anyone throw a skull off an overpass? (Cut to: the Diner's counter. Angela Montengro and Dr. Jack Hodgins meet with Private Investigator Doug Doyley over a meal.) DOYLEY: So your husband signed his name to the marriage license with an "X". ANGELA: Yeah. DOYLEY: So you married a guy without knowing his name. ANGELA: It was Fiji, okay? I was on vacation. DOYLEY: No, no, I'm not being judgmental. I'm being just trying to ascertain the, the facts. Uhm, did you consummate the marriage? ANGELA: Full moon. Tropics. Yeah. There was definite consummation activity. HODGINS: We already looked in to having the marriage annulled. ANGELA: Annulment requires consent from both the husband and the wife. HODGINS: Which is why we need a private investigator - to find the "husband". So we can get married. DOYLEY: Right. Well, I was going to need any description you can provide about your husband. Details, dates, photographs, ah who else was there? ANGELA: Tall. Yes. Muscular. Black. That's all I got. You know what, I think his name had a "B" in it - or actually it could have been a "K". You know what, I can make you a sketch? (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensic Platform. Bones is examining the skull as Cam enters.) CAM: Well? BRENNAN: There are scoring patterns here in the forehead, cheekbones, around the nose. CAM: I meant Clark Edison. BRENNAN: Who's Clark Edison? CAM: The absolute brilliant forensic anthropologist who'd bite off his own arm to be your assistant. BRENNAN: I haven't decided yet. Is that a problem? CAM: No. I want you to be certain of your choice. BRENNAN: Thank you. CAM: It's just that you've turned down seventeen applicants already. It's a rarified discipline. Aren't many more candidates to check out... BRENNAN: I'll cover the lab work until I find the right person. (Bones 'dials' Booth on the speaker phone, who is leaving a building eating a snack.) (Intercut between Bones in the lab and Booth walking to his car.) BOOTH: (Answers his cellphone.) This is good. Mhm, first time you called me in weeks. BRENNAN: There's scoring on the skull. BOOTH: Scoring? BRENNAN: Yes, scrapes. BOOTH: Yeah, I know what scoring means. BRENNAN: The scraping is uniform in spacing but not depth, which suggests an ungual pattern. BOOTH: What's an uncle pattern? BRENNAN: No, ungual. Guh. Guh. UnGUAL. (To Cam) How do I say this in a way that makes sense to Booth? CAM: (To Booth via speaker phone) Something chewed on the skull. BOOTH: Oh! Like a bear or a dog. CAM: Human, Booth. Doctor Brennan is saying human. BRENNAN: In the vernacular, our victim's face was chewed off by a cannibal. BOOTH: (Visibly loses his appetite) Great. (Throws the rest of the snack away) (MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE) ACT ONE (Open: FBI Conference Room with Booth, FBI Agent Charlie and Federal Prosecutor Caroline Julian.) CHARLIE: The ensuing accident was called in by a trucker who saw it in his rear-view mirror. Now the driver of the reefer-mobile ... CAROLINE: Reefer-mobile? CHARLIE: ... identified said truck as the one from which the skull rebounded before said skull lodged in his windshield. The truck dumped its contents at a municipal landfill near Salisbury. BOOTH: We need a warrant to shut down the landfill and comb it for body parts. CAROLINE: You think a cannibal is making a habit of tossing body parts off of overpasses into passing dump trucks? BOOTH: Well, we only got a head, so... the rest has got to be somewhere. CAROLINE: Okay. (Cut to: The Jeffersonian - Bone Room. Edison and Bones have put two separate skull x-rays side by side to show Cam.) CAM: What am I looking at? BRENNAN: It's called an osteoma. EDISON: It's a type of bone spur that grows from the skull down to the sinus cavity. BRENNAN: Clark found it when I gave him the x-rays to analyze. CAM: An osteoma that size can cause headaches, infected sinuses maybe worse. EDISON: Osteomas are every bit as distinctive as fingerprints or retinas. CAM: We'll check with local Ear Nose and Throat Surgeons to see if the pain drove our victim to seek help. Nice job. EDISON: Thank you. (Cam leaves the room. Angela enters.) ANGELA: The FBI forensics team just delivered like a million bone chips. BRENNAN: From the landfill? ANGELA: And Booth says there's more to come. (Edison sighs as Angela and Brennan exits the room. They talk as they walk to the Forensics Platform.) ANGELA: You are not gonna hire that one either. BRENNAN: I haven't made up mind yet. ANGELA: And when you don't hire him it just prolongs this lame excuse for you not to go out in the field with Booth. BRENNAN: Why would I do that? ANGELA: Because when Hodgins and I ran away from our wedding, we left you and Booth standing at the altar, and that iconic image totally freaked you out. BRENNAN: No, it didn't. ANGELA: Sweetie, this is not one of those things where you try to keep a secret and I ferret out the truth. This is where I tell you something that's true so you can catch up to your own reality. BRENNAN: Angela, I have no idea what you are talking about. ANGELA: Which actually proves my point. (Hugs Bones) I really I love you to bits and pieces, sweetie. I know, you love me back. We'll talk again when you catch up. (Cut to: the Forensics Platform. Bones approaches Edison and Booth shifting pieces in a box.) EDISON: Most of these are animal remains. Some are crockery and plastic. BOOTH: So we get anything human? BRENNAN: I'll have to go through and see. EDISON: Well, I could do that Dr. Brennan. BOOTH: Yeah, Clark could do that. Hmm? BRENNAN: There's too many. This could take days even with the two of us. BOOTH: Ah, come on. (Looks at Clark) Is that true? EDISON: Huh? (Flustered) You're kind of putting me in an awkward position there. BOOTH: Zack would have told me. (Cut to: Diner - at night with Booth and Cam eating dinner.) BOOTH: I mean, how hard can it be to replace one weirdo squint? CAM: I'd hire Clark, but it's not my call. BOOTH: No, no, but it is. You've given Bones enough time. Just hire the guy. CAM: Usually when you get all blustery, its 'cause you think something's your fault. BOOTH: Yeah, well. You know... I did arrest her father for murder. She could be having trouble with that. CAM: Yeah. Exposing a parent to the death penalty can have a chilling effect on a partnership. BOOTH: Well look, I asked Bones if, if, if that was a, a problem; she said no. CAM: Well, I gotta wonder if deep down anybody is that rational. BOOTH: You're not reassuring me here, Camille. CAM: If you are looking for reassurance, find someone who's not such a good friend, Seeley. (Booth's cell phone rings.) BOOTH: Booth. Yeah, okay. On my way. (To Cam) We've got an identity. (Cut to: Forensic Platform - night. To Booth and Cam, Bones is comparing two separate skull x-rays side by side on a digital screen.) BRENNAN: This is from the skull on the windshield. These are x-rays from an Ear Nose and Throat Specialist on M Street. BOOTH: Okay, so we're sure this is Gavin Nichols? CAM: Well, the osteoma is a perfect match. It's him. BOOTH: Prodigy violinist disappears; and a month later his skull winds up bouncing off a garbage truck. CAM: Obviously we are looking for someone who really really hates classical music. BOOTH: Look at this. Final performance was at the Library of Congress. (He shows her a photo of Gavin Nichols from an FBI file.) He met with well-wishers, arranged to meet with his girlfriend for drinks at the Hay-Adams, never showed, and nobody ever saw him again. BRENNAN: And a violin worth three million dollars. CAM: A twenty-two year old willowy kid, walking around with three million bucks under his arm? BOOTH: Hey, I'm telling you, easy pickings. BRENNAN: (Very skeptical) A cannibalistic violin thief who eats faces? BOOTH: Yeah, it's a stretch. But uh, see uh how this is: us working together - very symbiotic. BRENNAN: You said that already. What is it? The word of the day? BOOTH: I'd uh like you to be there when I uh question the girlfriend. BRENNAN: Can't. I found microscopic grit on the base of the skull. BOOTH: Microscopic grit! That's Hodgins' territory! BRENNAN: Yes, and Hodgins works for me, so that makes it my territory... CAM: (interrupting) Take Angela. Let her do that thing where she looks at photographs and read people's minds. BRENNAN: No, actually, what she does is read minute facial indicators... CAM: Joke, Dr. Brennan. (Cut to: FBI Interview Room with Booth and Amelia Trattner who has brought a scrapbook of Gavin Nichols. As Booth questions Amelia, the scene is intercut back in forth with Angela who is in the control room behind a two-way mirror and communicates with Booth through an ear piece.) BOOTH: How did you meet Gavin Nichols, Ms. Trattner? AMELIA: I'm a cellist with the National Symphony. Gavin guested as first violinist three years ago. ANGELA: Check out the photo of them kissing: huh, mega-tongue action. BOOTH: (Indicating the picture of the kiss) How long did you, uh, know him this way? AMELIA: Within a couple of weeks of our meeting. ANGELA: He was barely shaving then. What is she doing, playing squeeze and squish with a nineteen year old? BOOTH: 'Squeeze and squish'? AMELIA: I beg your pardon? BOOTH: With a nineteen year old? AMELIA: Gavin pursued me. His taste ran toward older women. BOOTH: Ms. Trattner, do you think, ah, Gavin was killed for his violin? AMELIA: No. No one does. You can't sell it anywhere. And we would know by now if they were trying to ransom it back. (Angela sees something in another photo and enlarges it.) BOOTH: Can you think of anyone who'd want him dead? AMELIA: Every violinist in the world. BOOTH: Why? AMELIA: No one had seen left hand technique like Gavin's since Franz von Biber. His little finger was insured for ten million dollars. (Angela focuses on the expression of Amelia looking at Gavin.) BOOTH: Great. Thank you, Ms. Trattner. Thank you for your cooperation. You, you can leave now. ANGELA: Wait a minute, Booth. BOOTH: Wha - one moment. ANGELA: Check out her face, in the quartet photo. BOOTH: Just one more uh question, I'm sorry. Ah, what's gonna on here? AMELIA: It was impossible not to watch him when played. BOOTH: You don't look impressed, you look sad. ANGELA: Like she lost something. BOOTH: Like you've lost him. ANGELA: Because she knew he was going to die. BOOTH: Like there was someone else. ANGELA: There was? BOOTH: There was someone else in his life. Someone I need to know about. ANGELA: Brilliant, Booth. You are brilliant. Okay, this time, I... BOOTH: (To Angela) Shh! AMELIA: What? BOOTH: Sorry. Nothing. Just, quietly... Who was it, Amelia? (Amelia turns to another page and points.) AMELIA: Ask her. BOOTH: Rona Sumner? ANGELA: Who's Rona Sumner? BOOTH: Wife of Leo Sumner, Deputy Director of the Secret Service. ACT TWO (Open: Medico Legal Lab, Hodgins' area.) HODGINS: The particles we found in the skull are pink syenite. It's the Cadillac of granites. BRENNAN: How did it get in the skull? HODGINS: I dunno know. But pink syenite is relatively rare. BRENNAN: Well, how did it get there? (Bones and Hodgins walk towards the Forensics Platform, where they access the computer with the geological results.) HODGINS: Dunno. At first, I thought it was a Brazilian stone called Sienite Balma but trace amounts of magnetite and this, this is crucial -chalcocite - led me to the Omineca Tectonic Belt in British Columbia, Canada - and voila! BRENNAN: There's no indication in the skull that he was struck, so how did it get there? HODGINS: I dunno know. But not a lot of pink syenite quarried in British Columbia has been shipped to D.C.; none at all in the last hundred years. BRENNAN: Perhaps the skull was dropped on a stone floor? HODGINS: I dunno know, but I discovered half a dozen sources. A bridge, some garden walls on private estates, and an entire bank building. BRENNAN: Send the details to Booth. HODGINS: Yeah. BRENNAN: (Leaves, but turns back) Hodgins, the reason that I'm not going out in the field with Booth is that I haven't found a replacement for Zack. HODGINS: There was no replacement for Zack. I mean, you know, he was good with bones. Excellent at math. He was pretty brilliant in making contraptions. And when our experiments blew up it was easy to pin the blame on him. In my book, all that makes Zack irreplaceable. BRENNAN: Exactly, which is why I'm stuck on the lab. Not some other reason. HODGINS: They only thing you can do is forget about replacing Zack. And find somebody who can just, just help out around here. (Cut to: the FBI Conference Room, with Booth, Caroline, and the Sumners.) RONA: Yes. I was intimately involved with Gavin Nichols. BOOTH: Mr. Sumner, I have to ask, were you aware of your wife's infidelity? LEO: What you really want to ask, Agent Booth, is if I killed the boy for bedding my wife. CAROLINE: I have a far more interesting question: Why didn't you come armed with the biggest, baddest lawyer in town? BOOTH: I'm more interested the killing question. LEO: I did not murder Rona's fiddle player. RONA: Leo and I have no secrets from each other. CAROLINE: What you would like us to believe is that because your husband knew of about this dalliance, there's no motive for jealous and murder. RONA: Gavin wasn't my only, I'll use your word, 'dalliance'. BOOTH: Did Mr. Sumner know all about them? LEO: Like Rona said, 'no secrets'. RONA: Would you like names? To see if Leo murdered them as well? CAROLINE: That would be peachy. BOOTH: Just tell us about Gavin Nichols. RONA: Every salacious detail? LEO: Hit the highlights, honey. BOOTH: I get it. That's the part you like, huh? The play by play... RONA: I'm heavily involved in arts patronage. After I put the funding to get Gavin his violin, we slept together. We met perhaps once or twice a month after that, a total of eleven times. BOOTH: When was the last time you saw him? RONA: The night he disappeared, at the Library of Congress. CAROLINE: Agent Booth meant sexually. RONA: The night he disappeared, at the Library of Congress. BOOTH: No. Not buying it. Sorry, I don't, I don't feel them. Don't feel them, see... don't feel... CAROLINE: What Agent Booth means is that unless you can prove that Mr. Sumner knew about your affair with Mr. Nichols. This all could've been a story you cooked up after killing him. (Rona looks at Leo, he nods. She takes out a disc.) RONA: We thought you might want proof. (Cut to: An AV Room. Booth and Caroline are watching the contents of the disc.) BOOTH: Ha o'kay, so the kid and the cougar are bumping the uglies. BOOTH: He just doesn't enjoy hearing about his wife's s*x life, he gets off on watching. (Rona and Gavin are in bed, and Leo is seen to be watching and filming them. Rona is aware of Leo of filming.) CAROLINE: Which explains why he didn't bring in a lawyer. BOOTH: They didn't murder the kid. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. Booth enters and Cam meets him.) BOOTH: Where's Bones? CAM: You arrested the Deputy Director of the Secret Service for voyeurism? BOOTH: Yeah. Bones' in her office? CAM: That is awesome and really, really stupid. You got to love a self-destructive man with values. BOOTH: Where's Bones? BRENNAN: Right behind you. BOOTH: Oh great, look, listen I got Charlie to check out all those places with the red rock. BRENNAN: Pink syenite. BOOTH: There's only one place that uses the pink rock in its foundations. It's an old deserted bank on the Anacostia River. CAM: Bingo, baby. BRENNAN: Why 'bingo, baby'? BOOTH: I checked into the ownership of the place. BRENNAN: Why, 'bingo, baby'? CAM: Shell companies owning defective titles, blah, blah. BRENNAN: I don't get the significance. BOOTH: It's deserted, isolated. It's a fortress. CAM: Serial-killer heaven. BOOTH: Look, I want you to come with me. BRENNAN: I've got work to do here. CAM: Uh, Dr. Brennan, if this building has been used for some sort of ritual cannibalistic killing as indicated by a skull which has been gnawed upon, a trained anthropologist's eye could be crucial to the case. Rationally speaking. (Cut to: The abandoned Capital Mutual Bank. Day.) PROPERTY GUARD: Bank's been closed for years. Door's always locked. Never a light. Nothing. BOOTH: No squatters? GUARD: Made them sturdy back in the day. I mean look at this place. BRENNAN: It is clean. No dust. Nothing. GUARD: D.C. Building Conservancy is fighting to keep the place as an historical site. Maybe if you told me what you were looking for I could help you out. BOOTH: Ah you know, blood stains, butcher instruments, ... BRENNAN: Any place where human remains would've come in contact with granite. GUARD: You are not gonna find nothin' like that up here. BOOTH: Up here? BRENNAN: Up here? (Cut to: The Bank's underground basement where the vault is situated.) GUARD: Old vault. Cut right into the foundation of the place. BRENNAN: Hermetically sealed. Insect proof. Constant humidity. It's ideal. BOOTH: Yeah well, we've got to get inside. PROPERTY GUARD: Heh, you want me to kick down the door? (Cut to: later, still in front Bank Vault door where the FBI specialists are trying to open it.) BOOTH: When I put your old man in jail, you said you understood. BRENNAN: Don't start again, Booth. We'll be together as soon as I replace Zack. BOOTH: Yeah, how's that going by the way? FBI SAFE CRACKER: We're in! BOOTH: They cracked it! (They have a little difficulty opening the heavy vault door. Booth has his gun out, Bones her flashlight.) CRACKER(s): Here we go. A little bit more. Okay. Easy. (Booth and Bones enter the vault.) BOOTH: Maybe you're mad at me sub-consciously. BRENNAN: What? I don't believe in that. BOOTH: Look, something's changed between us. You can at least admit that so we could figure it out. BRENNAN: Yeah, I would. Yes, if I actually believed anything had changed. (As they enter the inner cage, there's an ominous beeping and a blinking red LED.) BOOTH: Get down! (He tackles her and he falls on top of her to the floor, but the expected explosion doesn't happen.) BRENNAN: Why are your eyes closed? BOOTH: I thought we were going to get blown up. BRENNAN: It's just a transmitter. BOOTH: Oh, now whoever owns this place knows we're here. BRENNAN: I'm curious. In an explosion, how would shutting your eyes help? (Booth and Bones get up and start exploring.) BOOTH: Huh? It just does. Okay, Bones. It just does. Now be careful, we don't know what else is in here. BRENNAN: There's a phrase in ancient Greek burned on the back of the vault door. BOOTH: Well, what's it say? BRENNAN: I don't know- its in ancient Greek. (They look around the vault. Brennan notices the items strewn around the vault.) BRENNAN: Dead languages. Egyptian art. Pythagorean mathematics. Hebrew Scriptures. Gnosticism. Kabala. Alchemy. Druidism. Astrology. Angela can tell us for sure, but I think these artifacts are museum quality. Whoa. Bingo baby! Found Gavin Nichols' violin! (In a different area in the vault, Booth freezes at a sight.) BOOTH: Bones! BRENNAN: What, Booth? What did you find? BOOTH: I... I don't know. (Brennan approaches where Booth is. There is a strange skeleton posed in an arc with arms reaching above in front of a decorative shield as large as the vault door.) BOOTH: What is it? Silver? BRENNAN: Not all these bones are silver. It's possible we just found more of Gavin Nichols. [SCENE_BREAK] ACT THREE (Cut: The underground vault, now better lighted. Caroline is questioning Hodgins, Angela, & Cam who are making an on-site observation with Booth and Bones.) CAROLINE: That's Gavin's violin. What else you got? HODGINS: This altar is made of the same pink syenite we found embedded in Gavin Nichols' skull. CAROLINE: Where's the rest of him? BOOTH: Probably tossed it into dump trucks from overpasses. BRENNAN: All of the bones found here show teeth marks. CAROLINE: Somebody kidnapped a fiddler and served him for dinner in an old bank vault stuffed with museum pieces. ANGELA: (Indicating the shield where the skeleton is posed) I think this is high medieval. Spanish. Possibly Calabrian in origin. HODGINS: Oh ho whoa, 12th Century Calabrian? You know what that means? (Blank stares from everyone else) The Order of Alcantara? You people have no idea of the reach of the Illuminati, do you? (Eye-rolling from everyone else) I tell you what else, this whole bank is an original vortex point on the triangular grid, designed by the infamous architect of D.C., Pierre Charles L'Enfant; Not to mention, the way the skeleton is displayed absolutely suggest... CAROLINE: (interrupting) Okay, okay we get it. This is the lair of a cannibalistic secret society. HODGINS: Hey you know what - you don't want my answers? Don't ask me the questions. BRENNAN: Someone is replacing the silver bones in the sculpture with human bones. There's no way this manubruim and this sternum came from the same person. CAROLINE: We got a multiple murder? ANGELA: Is she pleased? CAROLINE: Hell, you could go your whole career without catching something this... juicy. Who had access to the building? BOOTH: The Building Conservancy. CAROLINE: Run those people. Look for priors. Childhood cat-skinning, all that. BRENNAN: I'd like permission to move the contents of this room to the Jeffersonian. BOOTH: It's a bank vault. CAM: There's room in the basement. CAROLINE: I think this more like 'bring the mountain to Mohammed' situations. (Cut to: Interior, the Jeffersonian, Angela's Office where the PI is reporting to Angela and Hodgins) DOYLEY: You were married by John Kakala who is the head man of a hamlet called Nakavala on the island of Vatulolo during a feast in honor of the shark-god, Daquwaka. ANGELA: Uh, doesn't sound wrong. HODGINS: Can't this headman tell you who Angela married? DOYLEY: He's dead. Town was wiped out by tsunami two years ago. The ah island is deserted and no one wants to talk because the place is ah haunted and uh cursed. HODGINS: Of course it is. DOYLEY: Do you happen to remember any Australians? ANGELA: Okay, look they have this local drink called kava that is really - Anyway, when it comes to memory, no. Not so much. Which is probably why when I tried to sketch him, I only came up with this. (She hands him a picture of a face, which is really more abstract and not at all discernible.) HODGINS: Handsome. Why Australians? DOYLEY: Well on or around the day of the marriage license the uh, there was a tramp steamer of out Adelaide. The Innocent City may or may not have been docked on Vatulolo. HODGINS: Let's ah track that steamer down. DOYLEY: It's gonna cost. HODGINS: Not an issue. DOYLEY: Thanks. (He leaves.) ANGELA: You having second thoughts? HODGINS: You kidding? Hey! This is great. Like we are on some epic adventure. ANGELA: Adventure? (They kiss) (Cut to: Interior - the Forensics Platform. Camille and Bones approach Clark, Angela, and Hodgins.) BRENNAN: These are the bones we found on the altar. CAM: Can you confirm that any of these are Gavin Nichols? EDISON: To be 100% positive we'd have to check DNA. CAM: Alright. Let's get that going. (Booth enters and sees the whole gang there.) BOOTH: Hahaha. Bones, I mean, you see what going on here, right? BRENNAN: What are you talking about? BOOTH: You, you're getting all of them to help you now. ANGELA: Booth, the vault is filled with priceless artifacts. CAM: And probably materials stolen from other victims. HODGINS: It's going to take months to sift through all that evidence. BOOTH: No, this is enabling. You're enabling somebody with a mental problem. BRENNAN: Zack! BOOTH: No you! You! Bones! You're the one with the mental problem. (Bones points behind Booth, and the rest of the squints looks. Dr. Zack Addy enters in civilian clothes although his hair is closely cropped and he is carrying a military style duffle.) ANGELA: It's Zack! It's Zack. (Runs to hug Zack.) HODGINS: Woo-hoho! ANGELA: What are you doing here? ZACK: Can I, can I move back in the place above your garage? HODGINS: Are you kidding? Of course! Come here. (He hugs Zack.) BRENNAN: Welcome home, Zack! (She hugs Zack.) BOOTH: Did you get wounded or something? ZACK: No, they just sent me home. BRENNAN: When can you start work? BOOTH: (To a resigned Clark Edison) Nice meeting ya, bub. ZACK: If you didn't fill my job, who's that guy? EDISON: Nobody. (He takes off his gloves and leaves the Platform.) HODGINS: Man, you look like crap. CAM: Well, Iraq's not a vacation. ANGELA: I think you look very rakish. Are you starving? ZACK: Actually, what I'd like is get into whatever you were talking about before Br. Brennan's mental problem. (Cut to: the Bone Room with Zack examining the skull.) ZACK: It's hard to concentrate when you're all staring at me. (Camille, Angela, and Hodgins leave Zack and Brennan in the room.) BRENNAN: They're happy to see you. ZACK: The depth of teeth scoring on the skull suggests that it was cooked. BRENNAN: Meaning the victim was dead when his face was eaten. Which is good, I guess, given the alternative. ZACK: I'm seeing an interesting pattern in the scoring. BRENNAN: From the windshield? (Zack magnifies a picture of the skull in the digital screen). ZACK: It appears so, but if you kind of un-focus your eyes and allow patterns to arise from what looks like chaos... here... here... here. BRENNAN: I didn't notice that. ZACK: This scoring is different from both the gnawing marks and the damage caused by crashing through the windshield. BRENNAN: (Magnifying even more on a score mark) What is that? ZACK: I dunno. BRENNAN: Did you run it through the x-ray diffractometer? ZACK: And also x-ray micro-fluorescence. Neither showed trace evidence of anything left on the bone by whatever etched that grooved. BRENNAN: That's our answer then. ZACK: But the answer was 'nothing'. (Cut to: Interior - FBI, Booth's office) BOOTH: So our, uh, cannibal has a diamond tooth? BRENNAN: Well, not the entire tooth: a diamond inset, left lateral incisor. It left a distinctive mark on the skull. BOOTH: So if someone in the Building Conservancy or the cleaning crew has a diamond in his tooth - that's our guy! You got him! BRENNAN: I'd like to be in on it when you interrogate him. (Booth looks astounded and pleased.) What? BOOTH: You would? BRENNAN: Why are surprised? BOOTH: Wait, are you serious? I, I've been trying to get you out of the lab since Zack left. BRENNAN: Well Zack's back, so here I am. BOOTH: That simple? BRENNAN: Why? Did Angela say something to you? BOOTH: No. Angela? Why? What? BRENNAN: I told you, that this wasn't about psychology. BOOTH: Fine, fine, hah. Hey, you know what I say, huh? Welcome home Zack! (Cut to: The Interrogation Room. Booth and Brennan have found a suspect, Jason Harkness, a creepy teen.) BOOTH: No, it's not just because you have a diamond tooth. BRENNAN: You don't know why you are here, Jason? JASON: It seems like that part should be your responsibility. BOOTH: Think about it. You're a smart boy, Jason. You went to private school. JASON: Six of them. Got kicked out of every one. BRENNAN: Yeah, for attacking people in their sleep. JASON: I got counseling. I'm cured. BOOTH: So, you did your little community service mopping floors for the historical society people. How the hell did you get in the vault? JASON: At the old bank? BOOTH: He just doesn't really strike me as the kind of guy who would sit beside a vault all night listening to tumblers through a stethoscope. BRENNAN: He probably found the combination while he was cleaning up somewhere. JASON: Nobody can get in the vault. It's what you call impregnable. BRENNAN: Not true. This is the transmitter we found in the vault. BOOTH: Normal guy... comes across a treasure in an vault; Starts, what, selling it off. You went a whole different way. (Bones removes a wax cylinder and unrolls it to Jason.) BRENNAN: Could you bite this please? JASON: No. BOOTH: Dr. Brennan was only being polite. We have a warrant for that tooth, Jason. So, either you bite, or I'll make for you. JASON: What do you need it for? BRENNAN: The diamond in your incisor left a mark on the skull. BOOTH: In the skull that you gnawed on. JASON: Its not like chicken or pork, you know. People always say that. It's more like beef. The face is a little sweeter, more tender. The younger the person, the better. Except for babies. Babies tastes kind of like fish. (Jason bites on the wax cylinder.) ACT FOUR (Open: Medico Legal Lab - the Forensics Platform. Nighttime. Cam and Zack.) CAM: Have you been to bed yet? ZACK: Iraq is from a different time zone. I can't seem to sleep right now. Fibula and tibia of the right leg are from the same person. Left femur from a different person. Three phalanges and one metacarpal, essentially an entire little finger, are yet from another person, probably the violinist. CAM: How can you tell? ZACK: Pressure indicators consistent with years of practice. Manubrium and gladiolus originate from two additional separate people. And this floating rib, an anatomically superfluous rib by the way, is from yet another human being. CAM: Ten bones from six separate victims. ZACK: Yes. CAM: Obviously, Jason Harkness was collecting parts from different people to create ... what? ZACK: I don't know. CAM: There's potential for a lot of victims here. ZACK: But we caught him. CAM: Yes, WE did, Zack. ZACK: Dr. Brennan always says that catching the bad guys is only part of it. The rest is knowing absolutely everything about the evidence. CAM: Why did they send you back from Iraq? ZACK: I failed to assimilate. Despite my accomplishments, I was detrimental to a military team approach. CAM: You're very good for our team approach. ZACK: The army psychiatrist told me that I should question why the Jeffersonian is the only place that I can fit in. CAM: All due respect to the army psychiatrist, but that's a helluva lot more than what some other people get. Go home, Zac-a-roni, get some rest. (Cut to: Diner) DOYLEY: Do you recognize any of these men? (Shows a very grainy black and white photo of sailors on a ship). HODGINS: How is this any better than Angela's sketch? ANGELA: That's him! I mean, he, he fits the general silhouette. (Hodgins stares at the man she pointed. The photo cannot discern his face.) HODGINS: You forgot to mention that he was a giant. DOYLEY: Well, this may or may not be the crew of the Australian tramp steamer, Innocent City. It was scuttled six months after you were married. HODGINS: His hands are like snow shovels. DOYLEY: The, the man that you are pointing to is known as Birimbau to his crew mates. ANGELA: That's it - his, his name is Birimbau. DOYLEY: 'Birimbau' is obviously a nickname. It's a Brazilian flute. Did he, did he speak Portuguese by any chance? ANGELA: Yeah, he most definitely had an accent. HODGINS: Ha, ha look, look, look at this man! How hard can it be to find a guy like that? Probably can see him from the space shuttle. ANGELA: Did Birimbau die when his ship sank? HODGINS: Oh that would be great. No. No. What I mean is we can have him declared dead. DOYLEY: He, he didn't die. HODGINS: Too bad. DOYLEY: Last time I found him, he was ah signed on to a Liberian oil tanker bound for Tierra del Fuego. ANGELA: Oh, okay. That narrows it down. He's a sailor, he's maybe Brazilian, and he's named after a flute. HODGINS: You, you know what else narrows it down: He's a titan - half man, half god. I mean, I can see why... why you've... I mean I totally, I do, I get it. ANGELA: Hodgins, stop it. DOYLEY: Look do I, do I keep looking, because um if you wait three years, you can declare him dead. ANGELA: Do you want to wait three years? HODGINS: Do you? ANGELA: Definitely, absolutely not. HODGINS: Me neither. ANGELA: Okay. HODGINS: Keep searching, Mr. Doyley. (Cut to: the Jeffersonian - in the middle of the night. No people seem to be around. Booth and Bones enter rushing.) BRENNAN: Zack? Zack! BOOTH: Well, what did he say? BRENNAN: He said he needed to show us something immediately. BOOTH: Show us what? (They approach the Forensics Platform.) BRENNAN: I don't know. He didn't say; that's why we're here. (They see Zack prone atop an examining table.) BOOTH: Look out! Zack! Zack. Zack? ZACK: Oy! Why are you listening to my chest? BOOTH: Because I thought you were dead. ZACK: Why? BOOTH: Why? You are lying on a stainless steel table for dead people. ZACK: I got tired. BOOTH: New rules, okay? Sleeping is for couches and beds, stuff like that. BRENNAN: (At one of the computer monitors) Oh. My. God! BOOTH: What? ZACK: I thought you'd want to know. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: You compared depth, apogee, and dimension? ZACK: Yes. Three times. BRENNAN: And there's no way it that it was a case of pre- and post- diamond inset? BOOTH: What? What? What? ZACK: The newest bones, the phalanges and the skull, bear only the gnaw marks of Jason Harkness. BRENNAN: One bone, the femur, was gnawed upon by Jason and a second person. See the distinct second pattern? BOOTH: So Jason invited, ah, a guest over for dinner? ZACK: Oh, I don't know how to answer that. BRENNAN: No, Jason was the one invited. BOOTH: How do you know? BRENNAN: Well, the oldest bones were gnawed on by another person with no diamond in his incisor. BOOTH: Another person. Not Jason. BRENNAN: There's someone else out there; probably someone older who pulled Jason into this. (To Zack) Good work, Zack. (To Booth) See why he should've never have left? (Cut to: Interior, DC Jail, waiting area, later that night when Booth and Brennan have been denied immediate access to Jason. The are left in a waiting area.) BOOTH: (Sarcastically) Great, thanks! BRENNAN: Show them the badge again. BOOTH: Uh, they don't see why we have to see Jason in the middle of the night. Shift changes in two hours. Hell, they could make us wait till morning. BOOTH: You know, you weren't upset because Zack was gone. BRENNAN: Yes, I was! BOOTH: Okay, yeah, but you were more upset over the fact that I didn't stop him from going in the first place. I mean, look I could've said to him, Zack, 'Iraq is no place for a guy like you'. BRENNAN: And he'd never have left. You could have stopped him. Why didn't you do that? BOOTH: Whatever Zack's deal is- okay his weirdness - whatever you want to call it... BRENNAN: I call it genius. BOOTH: He's a... man. He's a, uhm, he's a strange man, but he's a man who wanted to serve a larger purpose. BRENNAN: This is some alpha male rite of passage? BOOTH: No. BRENNAN: You mean, go to war? BOOTH: Wrong. No. Zack needed to leave the nest. The same way you did when you wanted to leave the lab and see the world for the first time. And I helped you do that. How could I stop Zack from doing the exact same thing in his own way? PRISION GUARD: Agent Booth? (Taking them to Jason's cell.) GUARD: So we came in to wake him, this is what we found. BOOTH: Oh my god. (They see Jason naked in his cell, dead by a dagger in his chest, but arranged in the same pose as the silver skeleton found in the vault.) GUARD: We are going on full lockup. (Cut to: Basement of the Jeffersonian. The multiple rooms of the underground vault and its contents are being meticulously transferred to an enormous space. Hodgins descends to the space where Cam, Booth, Bones, Angela are there already as are many other squints.) HODGINS: Booth says you need me? BRENNAN: I noticed that Jason Harkness arranged his suicide. CAM: If it was suicide then someone provided him with the dagger. BRENNAN: His body is arranged in the same position as the silver skeleton. BOOTH: So Hodgins, you think that's a coincidence? HODGINS: Ha ha huh! So suddenly you think my insane conspiracy ravings are legitimate? (Booth and Bones answer almost together.) BRENNAN: No. BOOTH: Yes. BRENNAN: But obviously, there are other insane people out there who have the same ravings and we need your insight. HODGINS: Mhmm. Alright. Alright. Both the body and the silver skeleton are in the attitude of what the ancient Greeks called 'pharmakos' means 'scapegoat' or, or 'sacrifice'. BOOTH: So, what? Like he was being pulled into the sky against his will? BRENNAN: You mean, aliens? HODGINS: One definite possibility. Yes. Also the 'Rapture'. Now as I tried to tell you before, most secret societies have this figure deep in their origins. For Freemasons, it's known as the 'Widow's Son'. CAM: Interesting. Gavin Nichols lost his father when he was twelve. HODGINS: A widow's son. BOOTH: Right, so Jason Harkness killed himself to keep his secret society, secret. HODGINS: Or was sacrificed. Hey all the signs point to it. BRENNAN: Strictly speaking, the evidence so far indicates only one other murderer. CAM: This entire vault is filled with evidence, who know where it will take us? HODGINS: Deeper that you can imagine. Probably get us all killed. Just so you know... (He goes to leaves) BOOTH: Thanks man. No no, Hodgins. Really... thanks man. HODGINS: Yeah man. Be safe. (Cut to: Exterior. Bones and Booth walk near the Reflecting Pool around sunrise.) BRENNAN: The ancient Greek section translated the motto at the back of the vault door, 'will no one help the Widow's Son.' (They both sit on a bench.) Hodgins was right. This killer's part of something bigger. BOOTH: Here's your coffee. (He offers her one of two cups he has, but she continues on the case.) BRENNAN: Gavin Nichols' violin was in there. I bet there are belongings from other murder victims too. We have to catalogue every item in that vault. BOOTH: Hot coffee. (Offers the cup again.) BRENNAN: After we do the visual and microscopic examination of each human bone in the silver skeleton, we'll take samples and do an in-depth auxiological breakdown. We really have a lot to do. BOOTH: Yeah, starting with coffee. (He forces her to accept the cup.) BRENNAN: An isotope profile will allow us to narrow down possible geographical hits... (She starts to lift hot cup to her lips. But Booth abruptly covers her coffee cup with his hand just below her lips, in essence she is kissing his hand.) BOOTH: Hey, it's hot!!! (She brings the cup down.) You were gonna burn yourself, Bones. BRENNAN: Thank you. BOOTH: (He takes his hand away from the cup.) Listen, this whole serial-killer, its not gonna be our usual case. BRENNAN: Why? BOOTH: Why? Because its big and he's bad. BRENNAN: I don't see what difference that makes! BOOTH: Cause you have to slow down, right. Take a breath. You have to realize that this is not a sprint, its gonna be a marathon. Marathon, Bones, coming from the Greek meaning 'really really really long run'. BRENNAN: It's not how the word 'marathon' originated. BOOTH: Look, there's something else I gotta know, and it's important. We solid? BRENNAN: You and me? Yeah! BOOTH: No, not just you and me. Squints, too. Zack is back for good. Angela and Hodgins have their head back in the game. Cam, she's locked in. BRENNAN: Why are you asking me this? BOOTH: Because. You and me - the center. BRENNAN: (Nods) And the center must hold. BOOTH: Right. So, are we gonna hold? BRENNAN: Yeah. We'll hold. We're the center. BOOTH: The center. (She holds out her hand. He cautiously takes it. And she shakes it.) Ha hah. BRENNAN: What's funny? BOOTH: Ha, I thought you were going to kiss my hand again. BRENNAN: I did not kiss your hand. You put it over my coffee cup. BOOTH: Huh, felt like you kissed it. BRENNAN: No. BOOTH: No? BRENNAN: Nope. CARD: DEDICATED TO OUR FRIEND, MARIO JACKSON (1961 - 2007) (End Credits)

The team investigates a case concerning a skull smashing through the windshield of a group of teenagers' car. The skull belongs to a violinist who disappeared after a concert and may have been a victim of cannibalism, leading them to an old bank vault filled with occult items. While Zack is away, Brennan searches for a new assistant. Angela and Hodgins hire a private investigator to track down Angela's ex-husband, who is identified with the nickname " Berimbau " (incorrectly defined as the name of a Brazilian flute). The case does not conclude at the end of the episode, but begins the recurring Gormogon story arc.

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Scene: The building entrance lobby. The guys enter. Sheldon is dressed as a medieval monk, Howard is a court jester, Raj is a medieval gentleman and Leonard is a knight. Sheldon: Worst Renaissance Fair ever. Leonard: Please let it go, Sheldon. Sheldon: It was rife with historical inaccuracies. For example, the tavern girl serving flagons of mead, now her costume was obviously Germanic, but in 1487 the Bavarian purity laws or Rhineheitsgebot severely limited the availability of mead. At best they would have had some sort of spiced wine. Leonard: You're nitpicking. Sheldon: Oh-ho! Really? Well here's another nit for you. The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene. Howard: Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko's and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says howdy. Sheldon: Bosoms would not have said howdy in the fifteenth century. If anything they would have said "huzzah!" Howard: I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon, I just want to be part of the conversation. Penny (arriving with a man in tow): Hi guys. Looks like you've been to the Renaissance fair. I'm hoping. Sheldon: Renaissance fair? More of a medieval slash age of enlightenment slash any excuse to wear a codpiece fair. Penny: Okay, fine, whatever, um, you guys, this is my friend Eric. Howard: Hello. Leonard: Hi. Eric: Hey. Leonard: So, yeah, good to see you. Penny: Yeah, yeah, it's good to see you too. We should really go. Eric: Yeah. Penny(leaving): Bye guys. Eric (leaving, to Howard): Like your hat. Howard: Thanks, my mom made it. Penny with a new guy, tres awkward. Leonard: It wasn't awkward. It wasn't fun. Besides, what's the big deal, we dated, we stopped dating, and now we're both moving on. Raj: By moving on, do you mean, she's going out with other men and you spent the afternoon making fifteenth century soap with Wolowitz? Sheldon: That was not fifteenth century soap, my God those people need to learn you can't just put "ye olde" in front of anything and expect to get away with it. Leonard: Can we please just go in, my chain mail is stuck in my underwear. Sheldon: You're wearing modern underwear? Leonard: Relatively modern. Why, what are you wearing? Sheldon: I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen. Leonard: You went out and bought linen? Sheldon: Don't be silly, I borrowed one of your pillow cases. Leonard: Borrowed? Credits sequence Scene: The apartment. Leonard: You know what, I'm happy that Penny's moving on. It gives me the freedom to move on myself. Howard: Are you saying that you've been holding back? Leonard: Of course. Out of respect. Howard: So, how do you explain the ten years before Penny? Raj: Who were you respecting then? Leonard: What? I've dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle. Sheldon: Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary, the word plenty has been redefined to mean two. Leonard: Uh, what about that girl last year at Comic-con? Raj: Doesn't count. Leonard: Why not? Raj: What happens in costume at Comic-con, stays at Comic-con. Howard: You're only saying that because of what happened to you. Leonard: What happened to you? Raj: N-n-n-nothing happened to me. Howard: It wasn't your fault, Raj, he was dressed as a green Orion slave girl. Raj: H-h-h-how did we get on me, we were mocking Leonard for not moving on. Dude, you have totally not moved on. Leonard: Yes I have, it's just a matter of actually making a date with someone. Howard: Like who? Leonard: Well, there's Joyce Kim, but she defected back to North Korea so it's a little geographically undesireable. Raj: What about Leslie Winkle. Sheldon: Oh no. Raj: Why? Sheldon: Her research methodology is sloppy, she's unjustifiably arrogant about loop quantum gravity, and to make matters worse she's often mean to me. Raj: I think she's smoking hot. Howard: I'd hit that. Sheldon: You'd hit particulate soil on a colloidal suspension. Mud. Leonard: Look, I like Leslie, but she's not interested in dating as much as using men as tools for stress release. Howard: Yeah, so, be a tool. Go get yourself a little rebound stress release. Raj: Technically it would only be rebound if he and Penny had actually engaged in physical intimacy. Howard: You mean like you and Richard the slave girl? Raj: I bought him dinner and we kissed once, that was it. (Leaving) And he told me his name was Kimberley! Scene: The university cafeteria. Sheldon: You know how I know we're not in The Matrix? Leonard: How? Sheldon: If we were, the food would be better. Leslie (arriving): Hey, Leonard. Leonard: Hey, Leslie. Leslie: Hey, dummy. Sheldon: Hello to you, insufficiently intelligent person. Leslie: Ooh, rush me to the burn unit. Hey, Leonard, do you have a second, I need to ask you something. Leonard: Uh, sure. Sheldon: Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go do work that promises significant results, as opposed to what you do, which does not. Yeah, you heard me. Leslie: Wow. So, I heard your relationship with Penny crashed to the ground like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory. Leonard: Where did you hear that? Leslie: Actually I read it. Wolowitz texted me. (Shows him text.) Leonard: Like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory. Yep. Leslie: I thought it was a pretty good one, I gave him an L-O-L. Anyway, it got me thinking, now that you're unattached maybe we can revisit our previous attachment. Leonard: Are you suggesting another bout of stress release. Leslie: No, I'm all done with casual s*x. From now on I'm fully committed to the traditional relationship paradigm. Leonard: Really, what changed? Leslie: It's hard to say, I guess there's just a time in every woman's life when she gets tired of waking up on a strange futon with a bunch of people she doesn't know. Leonard: Yeah, I can see how that would... a bunch of people? Leslie: Anyway, I just figure it's time to slow things down and who better to slow things down with than you? Leonard: Oh, I'm flattered. So, how do you suggest we proceed? Leslie: Your place, we'll order Chinese, you'll rent a movie, artsy but accessible, then light petting, no coitus. Leonard: Sounds fun. Leslie: I'll leave the details up to you, I think it's better if you assume the male role. Leonard: Thank you, that's very thoughtful. Leslie: Great. Call me. Scene: The apartment. Leonard is dressed smartly and placing wine on the table. Sheldon enters. Sheldon: Great news. My mom sent me my old Nintendo 64. Leonard: Terrific. Sheldon: You know what this means, don't you? Break out the Red Bull, it's time to rock Mario old school. Leonard: I kind of have other plans tonight. Sheldon: But it's Friday. Friday's always vintage game night. Look, mom included the memory card, we can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia. Leonard: Well, the thing is, someone's coming over. Sheldon: Well then, no problem, I have three controllers, the more the merrier. Leonard: Sheldon, it's a date, I have a date coming over. Sheldon: Oh, well you can't blame me for not jumping to that conclusion. Leonard: Why, what's so unusual about me having a date? Sheldon: Well, statistically speaking... Leonard: Alright, alright. Well, uh, nevertheless, I have one now and I would appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce. Sheldon: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can't be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be? Leonard: You know what I mean, could you just give us a little privacy? Sheldon: You want me to leave the apartment? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: You mean just go someplace else and be... someplace else? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: Well, why should I leave, this is my apartment too. Leonard: I know it is, and if science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like some privacy I would be more than happy to get out of your way. Sheldon: Well alright then. Scene: The entrance lobby. Sheldon is sitting on the bottom step using his laptop. Penny comes down the stairs. Penny: Sheldon? What are you doing? Sheldon: Playing Super Mario on a poorly coded Nintendo 64 emulator. Penny: Yeah, but why are you doing it on the stairs? Sheldon: I'm a modern day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date. Penny: Oh. Oh, well, good for him. Yeah but, why are you sitting here, why don't you just go to a movie or something? Sheldon: Alone? Penny: Yeah, why not? Sheldon: What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich manoeuvre. Penny: Well then don't order popcorn. Sheldon: No popcorn at the mo... listen to yourself. Penny: Well why don't you go to a coffee shop. Sheldon: I don't drink coffee. Penny: They have other things. Sheldon: What do they have? Penny: I don't know, you know, cookies, pastries... Sheldon: Pastries such as bearclaws? Penny: Yeah, sure. Sheldon: I don't like bearclaws. Leslie (entering): Heya Penny. Dumbass. Sheldon: Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle? Penny: Well, they have a lot in common. I mean they're both scientists. Sheldon: Oh please. The only way she could make a contribution to science would be if they resume sending chimps into space. Penny: Okay, well I have a date too, so see ya. Sheldon: Everybody has a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing, I'm just enabling you. Scene: The apartment. Leslie: This is pretty good Orange Chicken. Leonard: Yeah, it's from Changs. Leslie: Not Chows? Leonard: No, Changs. Leslie: What happened to Chows? Leonard: It changed. Leslie: Oh. So, how many children do you think we should have? (Leonard splutters and coughs) I'm sorry, that was a little abrupt. Leonard: A little. Leslie: I mean there are so many things to talk about before we discuss reproduction. Leonard: I sure hope so. Leslie: Besides shortness, what genetic weaknesses run in your family? Sheldon (entering): I'm sorry to interrupt, batteries dying continue. Leslie: Uh, genetic weaknesses, right, um, there's the lactose intolerance. Sheldon (preparing an extension cord): Don't forget the male pattern baldness. When his uncles sit around the dinner table they look like a half carton of eggs. (Exits. Extension cord trails after him. Eventually goes tight a couple of times then falls loose.) Leonard: Okay, now my uncles are bald, but my Aunt Edna is one of the hairiest women you will ever meet. So... Sweet lady. It always tickles when she hugs me. (Sheldon knocks and enters again.) What now? Sheldon: I have to make pee-pee. Time shift to later. Leonard: Listen, I'm sorry about all of Sheldon's interruptions, he can be a bit of an eccentric. Leslie: If by eccentric you mean passive-aggressive East Texas blowhole, I agree. Leonard: Well, I think tonight was a very good start. Leslie: Me too. You're sure you're okay postponing intercourse until our relationship is past the initial viability test? Leonard: No problem, I'm very skilled at postponing intercourse. So I guess I'll call you and we'll arrange another evening. Leslie: Yes. I believe protocol dictates that you wait a minimum of 18 hours before you call so I'm not repulsed by your cloying eagerness. Leonard: Sure. Leslie: Again, it's your decision, you're the man. Penny (voice off, ascending the stairs): No, it wasn't my cat, it was an experiment designed by this guy named Schrodinger. Eric (appearing round corner with Penny): From the Charlie Brown cartoons? Penny: No, he was some kind of scientist, let me start again. Oh, hey Leonard. Leonard: Hello. Penny: Leslie. Leslie: Hi. (Penny turns and crosses hall.) Leonard: Okay, well, goodnight. (Leans in to kiss Leslie.) Penny: Okay, well, goodnight. (Grabs Eric and kisses him more passionately.) Leslie (whispering): That ain't going to make your point. (Grabs him and tries to out-passion Penny. The two couples get more passionate trying to outdo each other until Leonard grabs Leslie's ass.) Okay, that's enough. (Sweetly) Call me (exits.) Leonard: Right (goes back inside flat. Closes door.) Penny (breaking off kiss): Okay, goodnight. Eric: What? Penny: Had a great time, ciao (closes door.) [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The university lunch room. Sheldon: I'm sorry, I am not going back to the Renaissance Fair. Howard: Come on, Sheldon, there's so few places I can wear my jester costume. Sheldon: I don't care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort. Raj: Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet similar to Earth in the 1500s. Sheldon: You mean like Spock? Raj: Sure. Sheldon: Fascinating. Leslie (arriving): Hey fellow scientists. Sheldon. Leonard: Hey, why don't we all move over there so Leslie can join us. Howard: Hmm, let's do it. (Sheldon does not move. Leonard looks confused.) Sheldon: If you're having trouble deciding where to sit may I suggest one potato two potato, or as I call it the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology. Leonard: Don't make this hard for me. Sheldon: It's not hard. It's simple. You can either sit with me, your friend, colleague and roommate, or you can sit with an overrated scientist you might have s*x with. Leonard: You're right, it is simple. (Sits with Leslie.) Scene: The stairs. Sheldon is playing on his computer at the end of the long extension cord. Penny: Hey, Sheldon. Sheldon: Penny. Penny: Third floor tonight. Mixing it up? (Sheldon indicates extension cord.) Oh. You know, I still don't understand why you just don't go to dinner or something. Sheldon: Alright, let's say I go to dinner alone. And during the meal I have to use the rest room. How do I know someone's not touching my food? Penny: Goodnight Sheldon. Sheldon: Penny, hold on. Are you sure things can't work out with you and Leonard? Penny: Excuse me? Sheldon: I'm just wondering if you really gave it the old college try? Or in your case the old community college try? Penny: Okay, where is this coming from? Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch enemy. Penny: Your arch enemy? Sheldon: Yes, the Doctor Doom to my Mr Fantastic. The Doctor Octopus to my Spiderman. The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel. Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it, I get it. Sheldon: Do you know, it's amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out. Penny: Sheldon, come back, you're losing me. Sheldon: Leslie Winkle, Penny. She belittles my research. Penny: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. Sheldon: She called me dumbass. Penny: I know. I heard. Sheldon: Given this situation, I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill considered relationship with Leonard. Penny: Oh, gee, well, thankyou for that. But, um, I think for now Leonard and I are just going to stay friends. Sheldon: No, that response is unacceptable to me. Penny: Sheldon, you are a smart guy, you must know... Sheldon: Smart? I'd have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart. Penny: Are you going to let me talk? Sheldon: I'm sorry. Penny: You must know that if Leonard and Leslie want to be together, nothing you can do is going to stop it. Sheldon: You continue to underestimate my abilities madam. Penny: Okay, let me put it this way, if you're really Leonard's friend you will support him no matter who he wants to be with. Sheldon: Wait a minute, why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard's really my friend, why doesn't he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle? Penny: Because love trumps hate. Sheldon: Oh now you're just making stuff up. Penny: Okay. Goodnight Sheldon. Sheldon: Oh Mario. If only I could control everyone the way I control you. Hop, you little plumber, hop, hop, hop. Scene: The apartment. Leonard and Leslie are kissing. Sheldon (entering): When the two of you reach a natural stopping point I'd like to have a word. Leonard: If the word is pee-pee, just do it. Sheldon: Leonard, you are my friend. And friends support their friends, apparently. So I am withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie. Leonard: Thank you. Sheldon: I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant sub-par scientist, who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. You kids have fun. Leslie: Hang on a second. Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory. Sheldon: I'm listening, amuse me. Leslie: Okay, well, for one thing we expect quantii space-time to manifest itself as minute differences in the speed of light for different colours. Sheldon: Balderdash. Matter clearly consists of tiny strings. Leslie: Are you going to let him talk to me like that? Leonard: Okay, well, there is a lot of merit to both theories. Leslie: No there isn't, only loop quantum gravity calculates the entropy of black holes. (Sheldon grunts.) Leonard: Sheldon, don't make that noise, it's disrespectful. Sheldon: I hope so, it was a snort of derision. Leslie: You agree with me, right, loop quantum gravity is the future of physics. Leonard: Sorry Leslie, I guess I prefer my space stringy not loopy. Leslie: Well, I'm glad I found out the truth about you before this went any further. Leonard: Truth, what truth? We're talking about untested hypotheses, uh, it's no big deal. Leslie: Oh, it isn't, really? Tell me Leonard, how would we raise the children? Leonard: I guess we let them wait until they're old enough and let them choose their own theory. Leslie: We can't let them choose, Leonard, they're children. (Storms off.) Leonard: Wait, where are you going? Leslie: I'm sorry, I could have accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice-cream or ever get a good view of a parade, but this? This is a deal breaker. (Leaves.) Sheldon: Look on the bright side. Leonard: What's the bright side? Sheldon: Only nine more months to comic-con. Leonard: Oh yeah. Scene: The Renaissance Fair. The guys are in costume. Sheldon is Spock and has a tri-corder. Sheldon: Captain, I'm getting an unusual reading. Leonard: Yeah, that's great, you guys want corn dogs? Howard: Yeah. Sheldon: That's a temporal anomaly. Corn dogs didn't come into existence until the first half of the twentieth century. FADE TO BLACK

After the guys return from a Renaissance fair and see Penny with her new boyfriend Eric, Leonard is approached in the Caltech canteen by Leslie Winkle, who proposes renewing their one-time "relationship". As she has grown out of one-night stands she suggests they take it slowly, first determining their compatibility on all levels before proceeding to full sex (if at all); Leonard can assume the "male role". During their dates, Leslie asks how many children they should have and evaluates Leonard's genetic defects. Penny dumps Eric after unsuccessfully using him to make Leonard jealous (including a competitive make-out session between Penny and Eric and Leonard and Leslie, Leslie helping Leonard make his point). Sheldon tells Penny he is uncomfortable with Leonard dating his arch enemy Leslie, but on Penny's advice he accepts the relationship. Almost immediately, however, Sheldon deliberately provokes an argument with Leslie over the validity of loop quantum gravity, which Leslie supports, and string theory, which Sheldon favors. Leslie expects Leonard to back her beliefs, but when he supports Sheldon, Leslie dumps Leonard, to Sheldon's relief. Sheldon then comforts Leonard with the fact that it's only nine months until Comic-Con.

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[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is showing everyone a poster as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! What are you guys looking at? Joey: Oh, it's a poster for that World War I movie that I'm in, check it out. Ross: Yeah? Wow! It looks really violent! Joey: Uh-huh! I know. I'm coming soon to a theater near you! I'm in THX! I'm unsuitable for children! Ross: Now I cannot wait to see this. Joey: Yeah, yeah, it's already generating Oscar buzz. Phoebe: I started that! Joey: I thought I did! Oh hey guess what? The premiere is next week and you're all invited! (They all gasp.) Monica: Are we gonna take a limo? Joey: Sure! Why not?! Monica: Oh I love taking limos when nobody died! Rachel: Well obviously I won't be able to come, for those of you who haven't checked their calendars today is my due date. Well y'know, I just want to take a moment and thank you guys for how great you've been during this time. I really couldn't have done it without you. And I have loved these last nine months! And even though I am so looking forward to the next part, I am really gonna miss being pregnant. [Scene: Central Perk, time lapse, and Rachel is entering still pregnant.] Rachel: That's right, still no baby! (To Monica, Joey, and Chandler on the couch) Come on people! Please make some room! Ross: Uh sweetie, maybe you'd be more comfortable here? (Gets up from the green armchair.) Rachel: You. Like you haven't done enough. Ross: Look, I-I know how miserable you are, I wish there was something I can do. I mean I wish I were a seahorse. (She glares at him) Because with seahorses it's the male, they carry the babies. And then also umm, I'd be far away in the sea. (He sits back down.) (Rachel turns and looks at the group on the couch and they move over. Chandler measures the room they've made with his arm and decides it's not enough and they all move over again.) Rachel: God. (Sits down.) I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life! Phoebe: Oh I know, I've been there. I remember toward the end... Rachel: (interrupting her) Oh Phoebe, that's a great story. Can you tell it to me when you're getting me some iced tea? (Phoebe gets up and Rachel groans.) (To the baby) Oh God, get out! Get out!! Get out!! Get out!! Chandler: Let's. (Everyone gets up and leaves Rachel.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are there as Rachel enters.] Chandler: Hey! Did you have the baby yet? Rachel: Do you want me to come over there and sit on you? 'Cause I'll do it. Monica: What are you doing here so early? Rachel: They sent me home from work. They were like, "Start your maternity leave now! Just rest, get ready for the baby." Well y'know what? Screw 'em! If they don't want me there, I'll just hang out with you guys. Phoebe: Or you can do volunteer work. (Joey's cell phone rings and he answers it.) Joey: Hello? Estelle: Joey! It's Estelle! Great news, I was able to get you and one guest tickets to your premiere. Joey: One guest? You told me I can have six tickets! Estelle: Well, I sold four of them on Ebay. You'll be sitting next to HotGuy372. Joey: Oh my God. So that's it?! I only get to bring one guest? Estelle: Yeah, what time do you wanna pick me up? (Joey hangs up on her.) Hello? Joey: (to Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe) Did you hear that? I only get one extra ticket to my premiere. So some how I have to pick between you three and Ross. Rachel: (overhearing that) What-what about me? Joey: You said you didn't want to go. Rachel: I don't. But I would still like to be acknowledged. What? Just because I'm pregnant you think I'm invisible. Joey: Definitely not invisible. Monica: Well, well Ross didn't care enough to be here, so I think he's out. You snooze you lose. Chandler: He's not snoozing, he's teaching a class. Monica: Well then somebody's snoozing. Joey, not that this uh should affect you at all, but if you were to pick me, I was planning on wearing a sequined dress, cut down to here. (Points to her stomach just above her belly button.) Chandler: I haven't seen this dress. Monica: Star in a movie. Phoebe: Joey, you pick who ever you want. Okay? You just listen to your heart. What does it tell you? (Mimicking a heartbeat and tapping her chest.) Phoebe, Phoebe. Joey: Well uh...I think I want to take Chandler. Phoebe: (still mimicking a heartbeat, only faster) Phoebe-Phoebe-Phoebe-Phoebe-Burrrrr! (Mimics the sound of a cardiac monitor going off.) Chandler: You really want to take me? Joey: Yeah! Yeah! I mean I'm sorry, I wish I can take everybody, but y'know Chandler always supported my career. He's paid for acting classes and head shots and stuff and well this will be my way of paying you back. Chandler: So you're never actually going to pay me back? Monica: Wait a minute, just because he paid for your head shots you're gonna take him? Joey, I don't think you're comprehending just how slutty this dress is! Joey: It's not just the stuff he paid for, I mean it's-it's everything. Y'know? He read lines with me. He-he went with me on auditions when I was really nervous, and then he consoled me after I didn't get parts that I really wanted. You always believed in me man. Even, even when I didn't believe in myself. Chandler: I always knew you were gonna make it. I'm so proud of you. Joey: Thanks. That means a lot to me. (They look at each other and smile for a while.) Phoebe: Mon, maybe one of these guys wants to wear your dress. Joey: (in a manly voice) I'm gonna go shave. (Gets up.) Chandler: (in a manly voice) Yeah well, I'm gonna go spit. (He goes into the bedroom. On his way out, Joey gives Rachel a wide berth.) Rachel: Oh, I have to pee. If I don't come out in five minutes it's because I've choked to death on the potpourri stink. (Goes into the bathroom.) Phoebe: When she comes out, you hold her nose, I'll blow in her mouth, and the kid will just (makes a popping sound) right out of her. Monica: She's over a week late! She gotta have it today, right? Phoebe: I don't know. I-I think it's still gonna be a while. Monica: Hmm, care to make it interesting? I'll bet you that she'll have it by this time tomorrow. Phoebe: You're on! Monica: Okay, how much? Phoebe: One hundred thousand dollars! Monica: How about fifty bucks? Phoebe: Fine! I'll call Zurich and move some money around. Rachel: (calling from the bathroom) All right, who's turn is it to help me get up! (They both look at each other, then Phoebe gets an idea.) Phoebe: No one's here! (Monica looks at her.) Oh damnit! [Scene: The World Premiere of Over There, Joey and Chandler are arriving in a limo and are about to walk down the red carpet.] Chandler: This is so exciting! It's so glamorous! People taking our picture. How do I look? Joey: A little tall. Chandler: What? Joey: Do you mind crouching down a little bit, so that I look taller? (Chandler does so) There you go. (And they walk down the red carpet.) Chandler: It's just so glamorous. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is entering, still pregnant.] Phoebe: Oh hey Mon? Rach is here! Ohh, you're still pregnant. Oh, I'm sorry. I know how uncomfortable you are. Y'know what? You look great. Yeah, like fifty bucks. Rachel: Oh, I have to go pee. Apparently this baby thinks that my bladder is a squeeze toy. (Goes to the bathroom.) Monica: Damnit! Damnit!! Here's your fifty bucks! (Pays Phoebe.) Phoebe: It's interesting that you lost. Now, I forget, do you like to lose? Monica: Now stop it! Double or nothing that she has it by tomorrow! Phoebe: Fine! You're on! Monica: Okay. Phoebe: Until then, General Grant, why don't you set up camp (She puts the bill in her bra) right there. Ross: (entering) Hey is Rachel here? We have a doctor's appointment. Monica: She's in the bathroom. Ross: Rach, we gotta go. Rachel: In a minute!!! Ross: People ask me why we're not together, I just don't know what to tell them. Rachel: (entering) All right, all right. Let's go! Ross: Uh, do you wanna go change first? The doctor's keeping the office open late for us, but if you hurry... Rachel: No, I'm fine. Ross: Really? You don't think that's a little inappropriate. (She's wearing a tank top and has her belly sticking out.) Phoebe: Good God man don't anger it. Rachel: Ross, it is 100 degrees outside. For the first time in weeks, I am somewhat comfortable. Ross: Fine! Fine! Y'know what? Whatever you want. Okay? You're the mommy. Rachel: Oh uh-uh pal! Don't call me mommy! It's bad enough you call your own mother that. (He looks at Monica.) Monica: I'm actually with her on this one. [Scene: Inside Joey's Premiere, he is intently watching the movie.] Joey: (onscreen) "I thought I knew who the enemy was, but it was you all along." Joey: (To Chandler) Okay, this is it. It's my big fight scene coming up. (He looks over and Chandler and notices that he's asleep.) [Scene: Dr. Long's Office, Ross and Rachel are waiting for the doctor. Ross is drumming his fingers on the bed.] Rachel: Ross. Ross: Yeah? Rachel: Can I ask you something? Ross: Uh-huh. Rachel: When Carol was pregnant with Ben... Ross: Mmm? Rachel: ...were you this irritating? Ross: Wow! Rachel: Excuse me?! Ross: Oh nothing. Nothing! Just uh, you've been a little short with me lately. I'm not trying to irritate you. Rachel: Well then you just must have a natural talent for it. Ross: Y'know what? The doctor will be in soon, why don't we not speak until then. Rachel: (silently) Okay. (Pause) Seriously, breathe louder Ross! That's great! Ross: Y'know we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human and half pure evil! (Dr. Long enters.) Rachel: Hi Dr. Long, how are you? Ross: (to Rachel) Oh, you're nice to her. Rachel: She has the drugs! Dr. Long: We'll do a quick check. Rachel: Okay. (Rachel lies back.) Dr. Long: So, eight days late huh? Rachel: Yeah. Dr. Long: You must be a little uncomfortable. Rachel: Eh, just a tad. Dr. Long: You're about 80 percent effaced, so you're on your way. It still could last a little while longer. If you're anxious there are a few ways to help things along. Ross: Do them!! Dr. Long: Actually, they're things you can do. Just some home remedies, but in my experience I've found that some of them are quite effective. Rachel: Well, we are ready to try anything. Dr. Long: Okay, there's an herbal tea you can drink. Rachel: Okay. Dr. Long: You can take some caster oil, there's eating spicy foods... Rachel: Great! We will do all of those. Dr. Long: ...taking a long walk, and then there's the one that's proved most effective: s*x. (Rachel turns and looks at Ross.) Ross: You've got to be kidding me! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joey's Premiere, the movie is ending and it takes the applause to wake up Chandler.] Chandler: Good job Joe! Well done! Top notch! Joey: You liked it? You really liked it? Chandler: Oh-ho-ho, yeah! Joey: Which part exactly? Chandler: The whole thing! Can we go? Joey: Oh no-no-no, give me some specifics. Chandler: I love the specifics, the specifics were the best part! Joey: Hey, what about the scene with the kangaroo? Did-did you like that part? Chandler: I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic. Joey: You fell asleep!! There was no kangaroo! They didn't take any of my suggestions! That's for coming buddy. I'll see you later. (Starts to walk out.) Chandler: Don't go! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! (Sees another guy who is still asleep.) Look! This guy fell asleep! He fell asleep too! Be mad at him! (Looks at him more closely.) Or, call an ambulance. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Rachel are there as Phoebe and Monica enter.] Monica: Hey! Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hi! Monica: What did the doctor say? Any news on when the baby will come? Rachel: No. But she did give us some ideas on how to induce labor. Ross: Yeah, we tried them all. We went for a walk, uh we tried a special tea, caster oil, spicy food nothing has worked. Rachel: Well, there is one thing that we haven't tried, but someone thinks that, (mimicking Ross) "That will open up a can of worms." Monica: Well what is it? What is it? If it's gonna help bring the baby here, like today. I mean, I think you should do it. Ross: It's s*x. Monica: Do it! Ross: Monica! Monica: I'm just saying it's been a really long time for you. I mean, women have needs. Do it, get yours! Phoebe: Oh I-I don't know about that. No, I think that if the two of you had s*x the-the-the repercussions would be catastrophic. Monica: All right, let's be practical, if Ross isn't willing to do it, he's not the only guy in the world you can have s*x with. You can borrow Chandler-Chandler is good! Ross: Monica, what is the matter with you? Monica: Nothing. I just want the baby to be born today. Rachel: Why? Why today? Monica: Okay fine! I keep betting Phoebe that you're gonna have the baby and I don't want to lose again! Ross: What?! While she's been going through this hell, you've been making money?! You're betting on your friend staying in this misery?! (Phoebe lowers her head and shakes it yes.) Rachel: I'll take that bet. Ross: What?! Rachel: Well, I'm miserable here! I might as well make some money out it! Ross: Can I get some of that action? Monica: Wait a minute! Now I'm betting against all three of you? Rachel: Oh honey, don't worry. I really do feel like tomorrow's the day. Monica: Oh, okay! (Rachel turns her head to Ross and Phoebe and mouths, "No way.") [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is there as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey! Sleeping beauty! Chandler: Where have you been?! I tried to call you! I want to talk to you! I still feel so bad! Joey: (in a baby voice) Oh no, were you upset? Did you lose sleep? Chandler: I'm so sorry. Joey: Uh-huh look, the only reason I can over here was to settle things between us! Okay? You've done a lot for me and my career, I wanted to pay you back so I took you to the premiere but you missed it! Okay, so how much do I owe you? Chandler: What?! Joey: Give me a number, I don't want to owe you anything! Chandler: You don't owe me anything, I don't want you money... Joey: Ah-ah-ah! We're doing this! Okay, now you got me my first set of head shots. Right, how much were those? Chandler: I don't know, five hundred dollars? Joey: Okay, five hundred dollars. What else? Chandler: Well then there was the second set, the infamous booger head shots. Joey: Okay, so that's another five hundred. Five hundred and five hundred, that's... (Pauses to figure it out.) Chandler: Do you want a calculator? Joey: Please! Chandler: Here! (Hands him one. Joey adds it up and discovers that he was right.) Joey: All right, what else? Chandler: Well uh, there was acting classes, stage combat classes, tap classes... Joey: Which we're still keeping under our hats! Chandler: Uh then there was that dialect coach who helped you with that play where you needed a southern accent. Which after twenty hours of lessons still came out Jamaican. Joey: What the hell are you talking about, (in a Jamaican accent) "The south will rise again man." Chandler: Yes, money well spent! Joey: Yeah. Okay, what else? Rent! Chandler: Okay, two, three years of rent, utilities, food... Joey: Okay. Okay, so I'm writing you a check for...So you fell asleep during my movie. Big deal right? How do you clear this thing? [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are trying the home remedies again.] Ross: Come on, finish your enchilada. Rachel: Ross I-We tried all the spicy food. It's not working. Ross: Okay here, have one of these peppers. Oh ha... Oh God! So...so hot! (Rubs his eyes.) Oh my-(Laughs.) By the way, you don't want to touch the pepper and then touch your eye. Rachel: I am feeling nothing. Speaking of hot, watching you do that really makes me want to have s*x with you. Ross: Stop it. Rachel: Oh come on Ross, why are we wasting our time with this other stuff?! We know what's gonna work! It's doctor recommended! Ross: I'm sorry, but we have to have some boundaries! My God, I'm dying. Rachel: Oh come on Ross, we've done it before we'll do it again, it'll be a nice way to bookend the pregnancy. Ross: This is insane, I'm not gonna make love to you just so that you'll go into labor. Rachel: Make love? What are you a girl? Ross: Always a great way to get in a man's pants. Rachel: But you will, you will be performing a service. Okay? Just-just think of me as a ketchup bottle, y'know you sometimes you have to bang on the end of it just to get something to come out. Ross: I love when you talk dirty to me. Rachel: Oh, I know it. You're right. That's not sexy. Oh...Oh! (Drops a fork on the floor.) Whoops! Oh, I seem to have dropped my fork. Let me just bed over and get it. (Tries too, but can't quite seem to make it.) Oh God! Ross: Okay enough! This is, this is not going to happen. Rachel: Come on Ross! I'm miserable here! Come on! You started this, now you finish it! Come on wuss, make love to me. Ross: Y'know what? Rachel: What?! Ross: Forget it. Rachel: Oh wow! What now Ross you're not gonna talk? How on earth will you ever annoy me? Oh wait a minute, I know. (Mimics his breathing.) I mean you'd think the damn jalepeno would've cleared up your sinuses, but no!! That's not enough... (Ross jumps over and kisses her.) What are you doing?! Ross: I'm getting that baby out of you! (They kiss again.) Rachel: (breaking the kiss) Oh God! Ross: Oh, I know. Rachel: Oh no. No-no! I think my water just broke. Ross: I am good. Okay! Okay! Uh, I got the pillow! I got the bag! You got the keys? Rachel: Okay! I got the keys! Okay! Okay! Ross: Hey! Rachel: Yeah. Ross: We're having a baby. (They hug and then kiss one more time.) Rachel: I didn't uh, really have time to read this part of the books, but do you think we have time to... Ross: Not so much. Rachel: Okay. Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is paying Phoebe.] Monica: Two hundred. Phoebe: Thank you! Monica: That's it. I'm done. I don't care when the baby comes, no more betting. Phoebe: Okay. (The phone rings and Monica answers it.) Monica: Hello? (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Uh-huh. (Listens) Okay. (Hangs up.) I guess we can bet one more time. Phoebe: Is Rachel having the baby? Monica: How did you know that?! (Runs to yell at Joey's apartment.) Joey! Chandler!! It's time! Phoebe: They're at the coffeehouse. Monica: You know everything!! Oh wait, double or nothing. I bet you the baby is over seven pounds. (Phoebe isn't interested.) I bet you it has hair. (She's still not interested.) I bet you it's a girl. Phoebe: We know it's a girl! (Exits.) Monica: (following her) I'll give you really good odds.

With the release of Joey's movie approaching, he must decide which friend to invite to the premiere. Unfortunately, his pick, Chandler, falls asleep during it. Monica and Phoebe bet on when the baby will be born as Rachel's due date comes and goes.

fd_Charmed_07x01

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[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Paige, Wyatt and baby Chris are there. Baby Chris cries while Paige changes him, and Wyatt sits in a high chair throwing food.] Paige: Help! Somebody help! Please? (Piper walks in.) Piper: Alright, alright, relax. I'm back. (She walks over to Wyatt and sees the mess.) What is this? How's his rash, does he need ointment? Paige: I don't know, I've been kind of procrastinating on that one. It's not my favourite thing to check. Piper: Why? You don't have a problem checking Wyatt. Paige: Yeah, that's 'cause I don't flash forward to Wyatt being twenty-two like you do with Chris. Piper: Oh, yeah, eww. Paige: Exactly. Stinky diaper. (The diaper orbs into the rubbish bin.) Piper: Hey, hey, are you using magic? Paige: Yeah. Wait till you see how I put the ointment on. Piper: Hi, personal gain. Do you want to lose your powers like Phoebe did? What if a demon attacks? Paige: Could liven things up around here. Piper: Excuse me? Paige: I'm just kidding. Sort of. Look, I love being a stay-at-home aunty, I really, really do, I just, I'm going crazy, I have to get out. You know, it wouldn't hurt you to get out a little bit too, I mean, you've been cooped up in here ever since... (Piper looks away.) You know, it's okay to talk about it, Piper. It won't hurt you, it could even help. Piper: Talk about what? Gideon's gone, Chris and Wyatt are safe, it all worked out. (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Ohh, coffee, coffee, coffee. I can not believe how late for work I am again. Paige: Morning to you too. Phoebe: And if you guys can be dressed for the wedding, then when I come back I'll just honk and you guys can meet me outside, okay? (Phoebe walks into the dining room.) Piper: Wait. What? Wait. (Piper runs after her.) What wedding? Wedding? Phoebe: Christy's. Piper, don't tell me you forgot. Piper: Christy's wedding. That's today? Hmm, well, I can't go. The kids. Paige: Actually, the kids were invited too, so you can go. I think it would be good for them. I think it would be good for all of us. Piper: No, I can't go, the baby... Phoebe: Needs to be exposed to a germ or two. Get out of the house, you know, build up his immune system. Piper: He's too young. Phoebe: Piper, he's two months old. Piper: I know how old he is, thank you. Phoebe: Look, you can't protect them from the big bad world forever. They're going to have to leave the house at some point. By the way, how's Leo doing? Piper: Well, considering who betrayed him, he's doing as well as can be expected. [Scene: Alley. Leo orbs in. His face and clothes are covered in dirt.] Leo: I know you're here, Barbas. You can't keep running from me. (An invisible Barbas appears behind Leo.) Barbas: You're afraid that vanquishing me won't ease your pain. (Leo turns around and in an instant Barbas appears behind him again.) 'Cause it wasn't a demon, it was an Elder. You're very mentor who tried to kill your son. Leo: But you helped him. And that's why I'm gonna kill you too. (Leo walks down the alley.) Barbas! [Cut to further down the alley. Barbas re-enters his body. He looks at the wound on his shoulder and flames out. Leo walks around the corner and feels the air where Barbas was sitting. He orbs out.] [Cut to the top of the Golden Gate Bridge. And Elder is there meditating. Barbas flames in then flames back out. Leo orbs in.] Leo: Zola? Zola: Leo. Good, I've been calling for you. Leo: What do you mean? Where's Barbas? Zola: Who? (Invisible Barbas appears behind Leo.) Barbas: He's covering up for me. Oh, you know he is, you tracked me here. Zola: What's the matter? Are you alright? Barbas: One of your greatest fears. Not good guys, bad guys, all the same now. Hey, makes him just like Gideon. (Leo gets mad and bolts of electricity shoot out of his hands. It hits Zola and throws him up against the bridge wall.) Leo: Where is he? Where's Barbas? Zola: I don't know! Leo: Tell me! Zola: I don't know! For god's sake, stop! (Leo stops the electricity and Zola falls to the ground.) Barbas: Damn. So close. (Barbas disappears.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Parlor. Phoebe walks down the stairs. Paige is laying on the couch with a newspaper over her face.] Phoebe: Hey, have you seen Piper? Paige: Up in Wyatt's room. Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie, were you sleeping? (Paige takes the newspaper off her face.) Paige: Why start now? No, I was actually just trying to take a little break from nanny duties. Phoebe: Yeah, you are such a doll to help out like you've been. I wish I could help you, but I can't, I have to work. Paige: Tell me what it's like. Out there in the world where men don't poop or spit on you. (Phoebe laughs.) Phoebe: You really do need to get out, huh? Paige: You know, maybe we can just swap jobs for the day. You know, I'll pay you. Phoebe: Yeah? Paige: Uh-huh. Phoebe: Hmm, don't tempt me. Paige: What, you're miserable too? Phoebe: No, I wouldn't say miserable, I just, I don't know, I can't put my finger on it. I'm like in this rut or something, you know? I just feel really disconnected. Paige: Yeah, I agree. Phoebe: You agree? What do you know about my ruts? Paige: Well, um, I know you gave some great advice to "Lost in Los Altos" about finding a new love, but, uh, you gave the same advice to "Dumped in Daly" last year. Phoebe: What? Shut up, I did not. (Paige opens the newspaper to Phoebe's column.) Oh my god, I did. So maybe I should stop giving advice to people in finding love until I figure out how to find it myself. Paige: You'll find it, you foresaw it. Phoebe: Yeah, that was one big tease. I think that's what's messing me up. Paige: No, I think what's messing you up is Gideon. I think it's the same thing that's messing us all up. He didn't just betray Leo, he betrayed all of us. Zola's Voice: And those wounds don't heal easily. (Phoebe and Paige walk into the conservatory. Zola is standing there.) Forgive the intrusion. I thought it best I come to you first. Phoebe: Whatever it is we're not interested. Zola: No, I think you'll be interested in this. Leo, just tried to kill me. I didn't want the other Elders to find out, they'd think he was after us all now. Paige: Well, you can hardly blame him, can you? Zola: You're lack of faith is understandable given what Gideon has done, but one bad Elder doesn't make us all bad. We are on the same side here. Phoebe: Are we? Zola: Leo didn't really want to kill me, I know that. Still, if he had, there would have been no redeeming him. He would've had to been recycled. Paige: Recycled like what? Recycled like plastic? Zola: No, I mean like sent back, reborn to start the cycle of life over again. We don't want to punish him for killing Gideon. But we can't abide his harming innocents in the name of revenge. Which means if you don't stop him, we'll have to. Phoebe: Stop him from what? Zola: From his obsession with vanquishing Barbas. It's blinding him to reason, driving him over the edge. And if he succeeds, it won't make his sons any safer, or the betrayal any less painful. It won't heal his heart. Time is of the essence too, not just for his sake. We believe there's a powerful threat looming on the horizon, unlike any we've ever sensed before. And for that, we'll need everybody back into the fold, and soon. (Zola orbs out.) [Cut to the attic. Leo is frantically flipping through the Book of Shadows. He hears a noise.] Leo: Barbas. I know you're here. Show yourself. (A ghostly head floats through the attic.) Voice: Don't let Barbas get away. Save your son. Leo: Who are you? What do you want? (Piper walks in holding baby Chris.) Piper: Who are you talking to? Leo: Nobody. How'd you know I was here? Piper: I didn't. Wyatt did. Must be that orbing thing you guys share. He looked up and said 'dadda'. Leo: Really? Piper: Mmm-hm. He misses you. We all do. Leo: I miss him too. Is there anything else on Barbas in here besides the main entry? Piper: No. Would you like to hold your child? Leo: Uh, I... I can't. Piper: Well, you need to, Leo. Chris didn't die. He's alive. You need to move on. Leo: Not until Barbas is gone, and they're both safe. (Leo orbs out.) [Scene: Underworld. Cave. Barbas and a Healer demon are there. The demon is cauterizing Barbas's wound with a hot iron stick. Barbas groans.] Barbas: Is that absolutely necessary? Demon: The wound is deep. Very easily could've been fatal. I wouldn't recommend going up against an Elder again if I were you. Barbas: The problem is that he's the one after me and I haven't figured out how to shake him. Demon: Ah, in that case then, this might all be for not. Barbas: Thank you very much for your vote of confidence. Actually, I don't even know what it is that I did to offend him, except for that rugrat incident, and that all came out okay in the end more or less, and it wasn't even me. That was after. (The ghostly figure floats through the cave.) Voice: But it should be now. Barbas: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that? Demon: What was what? Barbas: You didn't see that? Demon: See what? (The ghostly figure floats past.) Voice: Go after the baby. Barbas: That. Demon: What? (The ghostly figure floats past again.) Voice: He'll be blinded by rage. Vulnerable. Barbas: You're trying to tell me you didn't hear that? Demon: Maybe we should look at that wound again. Barbas: For god's sake. (Barbas throws an energy ball at the demon and vanquishes him.) A rotten healer anyway. Who are you? Friend or foe? Voice: Neither. But if you want to stop the Elder, go after the baby. (The ghostly figure floats straight towards Barbas and knocks him off his feet.) Barbas: Cool. Very, very cool. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe walks in.] Elise: Phoebe, there you are. Phoebe: Elise, hi, I'm so sorry I'm late, it won't happen again. Elise: Of course it will. But, hey, if you keep getting responses like these, who cares. Look at these emails, all from this morning's column. Phoebe: Uh, yeah, about this morning's column... Elise: It was brilliant, Phoebe. I mean, you make us look so classy when your advice is provocative, insightful... Phoebe: Plagiarized. Don't worry, I stole from myself. Elise: I don't understand. Phoebe: Yeah, I don't understand either, Elise. But it turns out I gave the exact same advice to someone last year, and I didn't realise it until it was too late. Elise: So? Big deal. Columnists recycle stuff all the time. Phoebe: Yeah, but I don't. At least, I never used to, and I just, I don't think I should write anymore until I figure out why this happened. Elise: Don't be ridiculous. Phoebe: No, I'm not being ridiculous, I'm just being honest, Elise. I can't give people recycled advice, it's just not right. It's not ethical. Elise: Phoebe, you can't just quit. Phoebe: Oh, and I don't want to quit. Elise, I love my job, you know, I just don't think I can do it right now. Elise: Okay, alright, take a sabbatical, rest, recharge your batteries. A couple of months enough? Phoebe: Can I do that? Elise: Of course you can. I'm the boss, aren't I? Phoebe: And what happens to my column? I mean, do you just pull it? Elise: And watch sales drop? Are you kidding? (She thinks for a moment.) No. I'll hire someone to ghost write it for you. Your readers will never know you're gone. Phoebe: Wait, what? Assistant: Phoebe? Sorry, it's your sister, she says it's important. Elise: Go ahead, I'll handle this. Don't worry about anything. Rest up. (Phoebe walks into her office and picks up the phone.) Phoebe: Hello? Paige: Hey. I think I have figured out how to save Leo. If we can keep him from going after Barbas, then we can go after him ourselves. Phoebe: Wait, what? Paige: It's perfect. All we have to do is guilt Leo into taking Piper to the wedding. Phoebe: Yeah, but she doesn't even want to go. Paige: I know. That's why I will volunteer to take care of the kids and that way Piper won't have any excuse not to go. Then while you guys are all at the wedding, I'll be at the book, you know, trying to find Barbas. Phoebe: And then what? I mean, even if we find him, how are we gonna vanquish him without my powers and Piper's? Paige: You can still cast spells, can't you? Phoebe: Paige... Paige: I am telling you, this could work. Not only could it save Leo, but it can get him and Piper back together, at a wedding no less. I mean, think about it. Maybe it could reunite some sparks. You know, do it for the children. Hell, do it for me. Phoebe: I don't know about this. Paige: Do you want to get out of that rut or don't you? [Scene: The wedding. A gazebo is brightly decorated with Christy and Jeevan sitting inside, and friends and family are sitting on rows of chairs outside.] Priest: We have come together on this glorious day to wed Christy and Jeevan. Who are here to build a foundation of their marriage upon the earth. In the presence of the sacred fire, and among their family and friends. (Piper's car pulls up to the valet. Piper, Phoebe and Leo get out.) Phoebe: Oh, we are so late. Has the ceremony started? Valet: Yes, ma'am. Phoebe: Oh, no. Okay. Piper: I told you to just go ahead and go. Phoebe: Yeah, well, I don't understand why you couldn't leave the baby with Paige. (Leo gets the stroller out of the boot and Piper gets baby Chris out of the back seat.) Piper: When you're a mother, you'll understand. Phoebe: Okay, that's assuming I'm gonna have any eggs left. (Phoebe tries to open the stroller.) How do you do this thing? Leo: Here. (Leo opens it.) Phoebe: Oh, so nice to have a man around the house. Leo: Yeah, except I think I should still be after Barbas. Phoebe: Yeah, not until you can distinguish between a demon and an Elder. You're stuck with us. (Piper puts her phone to her ear.) Piper: Paige? Hi. Phoebe: What are you doing? Give me that. What are you doing? Piper: What do you mean, what am I doing? I'm checking on Wyatt. Phoebe: You just checked on Wyatt. Have you guys thought about seeing a shrink? Piper: Yeah, we did that. Phoebe: Okay, look, I know you haven't been out of the house in a very, very long time but this is Christy's wedding so please try and have fun. (They take the wedding programs off of a table and look at the illustration on the front.) Piper: Is this a wedding or an orgy? Phoebe: It's a Hindu ceremony. It's supposed to be very, very, very romantic. (Baby Chris cries.) Piper: Oh, see, I knew this would happen. This is over stimulation. We've gotta get out of here. (The valet drives off with their car.) Hey, excuse me! Wait! Phoebe: No, no, no. You know what? You guys go and I'll take care of Chris, okay? You guys go and have a good time. Have fun. Remember what that is? Fun? Come on. Diaper bag. Thank you. (Piper and Leo walk over to the ceremony and sit down.) [Cut to Phoebe. She is rocking the stroller.] Phoebe: You're okay, shh, you're okay, Chris. You're okay. (Darryl and Inspector Sheridan walk over to Phoebe.) Sheridan: Chris, huh? Interesting name. Same as the guy who died in your house a couple of months ago, isn't it? Phoebe: Are you following me? Sheridan: Yes, I am. Actually, I would have approached you sooner but Lieutenant Morris here thought that you might need some time to mourn your loss. He's very protective of you. Seems to know you real well, which is why I asked him to be my partner on this. You know, you and your sisters don't seem to be getting out much lately. Why is that I wonder? You're not hiding from me, are you? Phoebe: We've got nothing to hide. Sheridan: Good. Then you'll have no objections coming down town to answer some questions. You've just been served. Phoebe: Questions about what? Sheridan: About what really happened to... the other Chris. How he mysteriously broke out of jail, how come he doesn't seem to appear in any database, how come you didn't have a funeral for him, what happened to his body. You know, just stuff like that. Four o'clock. Don't be late. (She walks away.) Phoebe: You know, I can almost understand you not helping us. But to help her? Darryl: It's not like that, I swear. I don't want to be in the middle of this, but she knows that I know something. She knows we've got history. Phoebe: And you think if she exposes us she's not gonna bust you too? Sheridan: Coming, Lieutenant? Phoebe: You're gonna have to chose a side, Darryl. It's just the way it works. (They walk away.) [Cut to the wedding.] Priest: And now as the circle is a symbol of the earth and the sun and the universe, I call upon the goddess and god that created all things to bless this sacred union. (Two yellow clouds of light float down from the sky and hover above the gazebo.) And to consecrate upon them that... Piper: Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Leo: Yeah. But I don't think anyone else can. (The two yellow clouds of light hit Piper and Leo and they glow.) Are you okay? Piper: I don't know. I feel a little woozy. (She pulls out a tissue from her purse and Leo notices she now has six arms joined to her body.) Leo: Piper. Uh-oh. [Cut to Phoebe. Leo and Piper rush over to her. Piper is wearing Leo's coat to cover her extra arms.] Phoebe: Hey, is the wedding over already? (Piper opens the coat to show Phoebe her extra arms.) Oh my god. Leo: Let's get outta here. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there. Phoebe and Paige are watching Piper who is now wearing a Hindu dress. She feeds baby Chris and Wyatt, covers baby Chris with a blanket, brushes Wyatt's hair back, puts her own hair behind her ear, all at the same time using her six arms.] Paige: I don't understand how could this have happened. Phoebe: Beats the hell out of me. (Leo walks in wearing Hindu clothes.) Leo: Isn't she beautiful? (He walks over to Piper and she pinches his butt. They smile at each other.) Paige: I can't believe what I am seeing. Phoebe: Tell me about it. When was the last time you saw Piper grab Leo's ass? Paige: That's not what I'm talking about. Uh, we need to do something quickly. (The phone rings. Piper answers it.) Piper: Hello? Phoebe, it's for you. Phoebe: Okay. Uh, Book of Shadows, Hindu spirits. (Phoebe takes the phone off Piper.) Hello? Elise: Is this a bad time? Phoebe: Actually, Elise, yeah, I'm kind of up to my elbows in stuff. Elise: Well, I just wanted to give you the good news. The ghost writer that I was hoping to hire just happens to be in town and wants to do it. Isn't that terrific? Phoebe: Wait, what? Elise: And better yet, Leslie can start right away with tomorrow's column. Phoebe: Leslie? Okay, who's Leslie? Elise, don't you think I should have a say in this? Elise: So how soon can you get down here because I'd really like the two of you to meet as soon as possible. Phoebe: Yeah, no, now's not really a good time. Elise: Okay, well, how about in an hour? We'll see you then. [Cut to The Bay Mirror. Elise and a man are there.] Elise: She can hardly wait to meet you. Leslie: Well, likewise. [Cut to the Manor.] Phoebe: She hung up on me. I cannot believe she hung up on me. (Piper turns to Leo and they put their arms around each other.) Okay, I will just leave you two to go at it. [Cut to the attic. Paige is looking in the Book of Shadows. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Bright side? At least we know Piper and Leo still have the hots for each other. Paige: Yeah, well, you better be careful with that whole hots thing because it's contagious. Don't stand too close. It comes courtesy of Shakti, the Hindu goddess of creation, and Shiva, her lover, the god of destruction. Phoebe: Yeah, but why did this happen to Piper and Leo? I mean, any ideas? Paige: Why does anything happen to any of us around here? Phoebe: Good point. "Shakti and Shiva are commonly invoked at weddings because their considered to be the ultimate lovers." Paige: Well, I'm thinking it's meant to be symbolic. Phoebe: Unless they're magical lovers to hijack. Paige: Read on. Phoebe: "Shakti also called the ultimate mother and Shiva together created all things, and if they consummate their love again, all things will be obliterated and the universe will be reborn." Paige: Talk about your big bang theory. [Cut to downstairs. Piper and Leo are kissing passionately. Phoebe and Paige come down the stairs.] Phoebe: Oh! Alright, stop it! You two stop it right now. Stop it, stop it, stop it. (Phoebe and Paige pull them apart.) You go over there, you over here. (Piper slaps Phoebe with her six hands.) Oh, keep your hands to yourself. Piper: But you're interrupting us. Phoebe: And saving life as we know it. Leo: What are you talking about? Paige: Look at your outfit. Does that look like something you normally wear? Leo: Well, no. Paige: Exactly. This is not the first time we have been hijacked by gods. So you just have to fight it. Leo: I don't want to fight it. I haven't felt this potent in years. Phoebe: Over sharing. Any idea how to redirect his potency? Paige: Yeah. We should send him after Barbas. Leo: Barbas? Phoebe: And what about the risk to the Elders? Paige: I think the risk to the universe is greater. I've made a vanquishing potion, I'll go get it. Leo: I won't need it. I'll be back. Piper: I'll be waiting. (Leo disappears surrounded by lighting.) Wow, is that hot or what? Phoebe: Or what. Paige: Okay, I'm gonna go to magic school and try to find a spell to dispossess them. Phoebe: Take the babies with you. They'll be safer there. Piper: No. The babies stays with me. (Phoebe starts to leave.) Paige: Where are you going? Phoebe: I have to go to, you know, work. [Scene: Underworld. Cave. Barbas and a cave full of demons are there. The demons are all talking at once.] Barbas: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please, one at a time, if you please. We're failing to see the problem here. Demon #1: You asked for help. You said we would share in the spoils. Then you tell us you're going after the Charmed Ones. Do you take us for fools? That's suicide. Barbas: No, no, no, we're not going after the Charmed Ones per se, just their little baby. Okay, it's obvious you're failing to grasp the big picture here, so I will explain it for you again for the umpteenth time. Okay, and going after the child, we are in a fact pouring salt into the still festering wounds of the father who happens to be an Elder. The Charmed Ones' Elder. Demon #1: So. Barbas: So his parental instincts kicks in. His vengeful little heart fills with rage and then with this tiniest little nudge from me, he makes a mistake, a fatal mistake. Demon #1: Leaving the witches unprotected by him. Barbas: Exactly. And leaving you with the best chances at knocking them off anybody's had in years. Almost sounds too good to be true, doesn't it? Demon #1: What about that creature you told us about? How does he fit into all of this? Barbas: See that's a very good question. One I don't have the answer to. But he did cloak this lair, so Leo couldn't track me, that makes him a friend. A very powerful friend. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Magic School. Teachers and students are packing stuff away. Paige orbs in with Wyatt.] Paige: What's going on? Mrs. Winterbourne: Oh, hi, Paige. We're packing up, closing down the school. Paige: What? Since when? Mrs. Winterbourne: Since Gideon died. Look, love him or hate him, he started this magic school and without him there's no one left to fight for it anymore. Paige: I'll fight for it. Mrs. Winterbourne: Against the Elders? You don't stand a chance. No offence, but Gideon was the only one that could stand up to them and convince them he could keep it safe from demons discovering us, or mortals for that matter. Paige: Well, what about the next generation? Where are they gonna learn what needs to be learnt? Mrs. Winterbourne: I don't know. Paige: Is the nursery still open? Mrs. Winterbourne: Yeah, another week or so. Paige: Okay, stop packing those books because I'm gonna need them. (to Wyatt) Come on, baby. [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Elise. Elise: Good, you're here. Come and meet your new... Phoebe: Uh, yeah, just so we're clear, if I don't like this person we can find someone else, right? Elise: Absolutely. It's your column, you've gotta be happy with him. (Elise drags Phoebe into her office.) Phoebe: Him? What? I'm sorry, him? (A handsome man is sitting on Phoebe's chair, talking on the phone.) Leslie: (on phone) I'd better call you back. (He hangs up.) Hi. I hope it's okay, I just wanted to get started. Phoebe: Leslie? Elise: Surprise. Leslie: Expecting a girl, weren't you? Phoebe: Well... Leslie: So did my folks. That's how I got the name. You can call me Les. (They shake hands.) Elise: Now before you say no, just hear me out. He had his own advice column in Philly and it was totally hip, very hot, a perfect match for yours. (Phoebe rubs Les' hand.) Phoebe: Hot, huh? Wow. (She pulls away.) Oh. Not again. Elise: He's relocating to L.A. in a couple of months which works out perfectly for how long you want to be away. Phoebe: That's great, Elise, but he's a-a man. Les: Is that a problem? Phoebe: Uh, well, most of my readers are women. Les: And you don't think a man can give advice to women? Phoebe: Oh, no, actually, not as well as a woman can, no. Les: Well, what about Dr. Phil? (Les walks around and stands next to Phoebe.) Phoebe: Uh, Dr. Phil is a doctor, right? Dr. Phil. Les: Ah, so a man can give advice to women if he's a doctor. (Phoebe tries to get a look at Les' butt.) Phoebe: That's not what I meant. Les: Well, that's what it sounded like. Are you feeling alright? Phoebe: Me? Yeah. (She laughs.) Yes, I'm feeling alright. I'm great, are you kidding? Les: 'Cause you don't look like you do. Phoebe: What, are you a doctor now too? Les: Actually, I am. Of psychology. I wrote my doctorate on women's intuition... (Phoebe falls sideways and Les catches her.) Aced it. Phoebe: I bet you did. (They kiss passionately.) Elise: Phoebe! (Phoebe pushes Les away and walks outside. She walks back in and grabs her purse and walks back out.) Les: I guess that means I got the job. [Scene: Manor. Piper's room. Piper puts baby Chris in his crib. Two demons suddenly appear and throws fireballs near them. Piper blows them up. Another demon appears and she blows him. Three more appear and bolts of electricity shoot out of her hands blowing up energy balls as they come towards her. Barbas appears behind Piper and creeps towards baby Chris. Piper blows up the three demons and turns around.] Piper: No! (Bolts of electricity shoot at Barbas and he flies across the room. He touches his bleeding wounds and flames out. Baby Chris stirs.) It's okay, peanut, you're okay. Shh. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Paige walks down the stairs carrying a rubbish bin. Phoebe walks in through the front door.] Phoebe: Doctor. Doctor, my ass. I'd like to actually see proof that he's a doctor, you know. Paige: What are you muttering about? Phoebe: Elise. She hired a man. Can you believe that? I don't know what she was thinking. Paige: Hire a man for what? Phoebe: My job, that's what. Might possibly be the worst idea I've ever had. I don't know what I was thinking. Paige: You quit? Phoebe: No, no, I'm just taking a sabbatical. Well, I was taking a sabbatical, I'm clearly not anymore. Well, don't look at me like that, you're the one who said I was in a rut. Paige: Anyway, you'll never guess what happened while you were gone. Phoebe: I mean, it's just the most ridiculous... Have you even ever heard of a male advice columnist? I haven't. Paige: Try to guess. You won't be able to. Phoeb: But I don't care what the book says about the divine hornyness only being rubbed off if you're attracted to someone, because there's no way I'm attracted to him. Huh. Huh. Oh god, I hope he's not the one from my vision. I think I'm gonna be sick. Paige: Barbas tried to kidnap baby Chris. Phoebe: Paige, that is not funny. Paige: I am not trying to be funny. It's true. Phoebe: Oh, no. Paige: Oh, yes. Piper's upstairs putting him to sleep right now. He's okay, he didn't get hurt. Phoebe: Oh, thank goodness. Leo's gonna go ballistic. Paige: Yes. And that is precisely why Piper does not want us to tell him anything. (Leo walks in.) Leo: Tell me what? Phoebe: How much she wants you. Piper, she desperately wants you. Paige: You're not suppose to tell him that. Phoebe: I know, but you know me with secrets, I can't keep them. So how did it go with Barbas? Leo: It didn't. I couldn't track him. Paige: Really? You couldn't track him? Not even with all those powers cooped up inside of you? Leo: I know. Strange, isn't it? So where's Piper? Upstairs? (He goes upstairs.) [Cut to Piper's room. Leo walks in and sees broken furniture and scorch marks from the demon attack. Phoebe and Paige walk in.] Leo: What happened here? Paige: You're not gonna like it. [Cut to the foyer. The front door flies opens and Darryl and Inspector Sheridan walk in.] Darryl: So what, you're not even gonna give them a chance to cooperate with us now? Is that it? Sheridan: They had chance, they didn't show, now we've got a warrant. Darryl: That does not give us the right to bust in like this. Sheridan: Yeah, well, I wanted it to be a surprise. (Darryl grabs her by the arm.) You got something you want to say, Morris? (He lets go of her arm.) One way or another, I'm gonna find out who this Chris guy really was and what they're hiding. Now you're either with me, or you're against me. [Cut to Piper's room.] Paige: You see, this is why Piper didn't want us to tell you. Leo: I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna rip the world apart until I find Barbas. Phoebe: Yeah, that's what we were worried about. Leo, you have to calm down until we know all the facts. Leo: What facts? He went after one of my sons again. Paige: Yeah, but he didn't get him. Leo: It doesn't matter. (Sheridan walks in pointing her gun. Darryl walks in behind her.) Sheridan: Police! Freeze! Hands in the air! (Leo telekinetically sends Sheridan flying across the room and she slams into the wall.) Darryl: What the hell's wrong with you? You're out of your mind. (Leo disappears surrounded by lightning bolts.) Phoebe: Yeah, I think he is. (Piper rushes in.) Piper: Shh, I just got the baby to sleep. What happened? Where's Leo? [Scene: Golden Gate Bridge. Zola is there meditating. Barbas flames in and then flames back out. Leo appears surrounded with lightning bolts.] Zola: Leo? Leo: Barbas, where is he? Zola: Barbas? (Invisible Barbas appears beside Leo.) Barbas: How many times do you to go through all this before you realise they're all working together. Zola: Leo, don't do this. You know better. He's after your boy, I'm after your boy, they're all after your boy. That's why it's your greatest fear. (Barbas disappears.) Leo: Where is he, damn it! Zola: Wait, listen to me, Leo, don't do this. (Invisible Barbas appears.) Barbas: Kill him. Kill them all! (Leo roars and bolts of electricity shoots out of his hands. It pins Zola up onto the bridge wall and he explodes and vanishes.) Ahh, my, my, my, my, my. What have we gone and done now? (Barbas disappears.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Magic School. Piper is there. Paige walks in with Mrs. Winterbourne.] Paige: Thanks. (Mrs. Winterbourne walks away.) Did you find Leo? Piper: Where's Chris? Paige: He's with Wyatt in the nursery. (Paige sees Leo sitting on the floor in the corner of the room.) What happened? Piper: Did you find the spell to fix us? Paige: Yeah, but... Piper: Cast it. (Paige walks over to a table and opens a book.) Paige: "We call upon the mortal ways, and gods who guide but may not stay, we seek those of divinity, to separate from and set them free." (Piper's extra arms glow and vanish. A golden light rises out of Leo.) Piper: (to Leo) Are you alright? Paige: Piper? Piper: Go get Phoebe and then go get Barbas. Paige: We still don't know how to find him. Piper: I wounded him. You should be able to scry with his blood. (Paige orbs out. Piper walks over to Leo and kneels beside him.) Leo: I killed another Elder. Piper: It's not your fault, you were tricked. Leo: Was I? What have I become? (Piper hugs Leo.) Piper: It's okay, it's okay. Nobody else has to know. [Scene: Manor. Living room. Paramedics are there checking out Sheridan. He shines a light into her eyes.] Paramedic: Just try to follow the light. Darryl: I still don't think this was a good idea. Phoebe: What did you want us to do? Send her to purgatory? We have to play it safe, she's too suspicious already. Darryl: Yeah, okay, but what if she remembers what really happened? Paramedic: Look to your right. Focus. (to other paramedic) Get the C collar and board. Do you remember what you were doing here, Inspector? Sheridan: Uh, we came to search for something. Paramedic: Do you remember what happened to you? Phoebe: Uh, she slipped. We're doing a lot of redecorating and she slipped and fell. Paramedic: Well, do you remember? Sheridan: Uh... I... no. Paramedic: Just take a deep breath. Darryl: She still remembers the search warrant. Phoebe: So what? What is she going to find? (Paige walks in.) Paige: What's going on? Phoebe: Uh, nothing, I think we have everything under control here. What's up? (Paige holds up a potion.) Paige: We've got some work to do. [Scene: Underworld. Cave. Barbas is there.] Barbas: Hey, why don't you come on down. Show yourself. All I want to do is thank you. It was such a very good plan. I mean, it worked perfectly. So, uh, how about we go after the witches now? (Phoebe and Paige walk in.) Paige: Works for us. Barbas: Well, well, well, well. What do you know? It really is true. Just ask and ye shall receive. Of course, this lair was supposed to be cloaked. Phoebe: Yeah, you should probably ask your invisible friend about that. Barbas: Yeah, well, maybe I will. Ah, come to vanquish me I see. What, again? Paige: Yeah, but I just have one little question first. Why the baby? What does that even get you? Barbas: Ah, the baby. That just gets me to you without the bodyguard. By the way, how is old Leo, anyway? Suffering nicely I hope. (Paige is about to throw the potion.) Ah, ah, ah, ah. I think we should check your fears first. How charming. Your greatest fear is that your nephews won't be safe. From me. How touching. Of course, such a great fear paralyses you. Can't believe you forgot about that. Paige: Oh, we didn't forget. (Paige throws the potion at Barbas.) Phoebe: We just knew our greatest desire would overcome our greatest fear. Paige: And our greatest desire is to protect our nephews from you. Barbas: Ah, you know I'll be back. Fear always comes back! You set me up! (Barbas is vanquished.) Phoebe: I never get tired of seeing that. Paige: I wonder who he was talking to? Phoebe: I don't know. And I don't wanna know. [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe's office. Les is there with his feet up on the desk, reading the paper. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Making yourself comfortable, I see. Les: Sorry. You know, Phoebe, you really don't have to come in here bright and early anymore. Otherwise, it's not really a sabbatical. Phoebe: Yeah, I know. Actually, I'm gonna tell you the truth. After I met you I wasn't so sure I wanted to take the time off. Les: Ah, make quite an impression on you, did I? Phoebe: No, not really. Les: So you kiss all the new employees their first day on the job, do you? Phoebe: Yeah, well, that was, you know, not-not-not what you think it was. Les: Oh, really. Phoebe: Yeah. Les: And what do you think I think it was? Phoebe: Well, I don't know what you think it was but whatever you think it was, it actually wasn't. Anyway, uh, I thought I would wait until this morning and read what you wrote and see if I was still comfortable with my decision. Les: And? Phoebe: And I liked it. There was some good advice in there, considering you're a guy. Les: Well, thanks... I think. Of course, I wouldn't want to sully your good name. Phoebe: You'd better not. Good luck. Les: Hey, for whatever it's worth, you're a pretty damn good kisser, even though it didn't mean anything. [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper is there packing a bag and the kids are in the stroller near by. Paige walks in.] Paige: Oh my god, I'm so tired. I didn't sleep at all last night, and it's not even because of Barbas. Piper: Pray tell. Paige: It's the whole Magic School thing, you know? It's gotten me really depressed. I don't know why the Elders are just shutting it down. Piper: Well, they can do whatever they want. That's why they're them. Paige: Yeah, well, it's not fair. Piper: Well, who's gonna stop them? Paige: I am. Piper: What? Paige: Yeah. I mean, magic's the best thing that has ever happened to me, right? I mean, other than you guys. No offence, but you guys did kind of happen to me at the same time that magic happened to me. So if you really actually count it... Piper: Rambling. Paige: Right. Look, aside from Gideon, the school is a great thing, right? And I think I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get back to my magical roots. Piper: I think that's a good idea. Um, any idea how you're gonna do it? Paige: Not a clue. Oh my goodness. Are you going outside? With them? Piper: Yes, I am. Now may I go or are you gonna tease me some more about it? Paige: I'd really like to tease you some more, but I will wait until you get back. What changed? Piper: Well, sharing a body with the ultimate mother, um, I got a few tips. Paige: Like what? Piper: Like, I can't protect them from everything. Or I'll probably end up making them neurotic. Paige: Lord knows we don't need anymore of those around here. Piper: No. So we're just gonna have to go out and brave the big bad world. Paige: What about Leo? Is he gonna join? Piper: No, he's still, um, dealing with some stuff. [Scene: Underworld. Cave. Leo is there touching the pile of Barbas's ashes.] Voice: Barbas was right. Killing him doesn't end the pain of betrayal. Leo: Who the hell are you? What do you want? Voice: What do we want? We want you! (The ghostly figure floats straight towards Leo and then vanishes. Leo stands there frightened.)

Reeling from the loss of their future son Chris, an overprotective Piper and an obsessed Leo are forced by Phoebe and Paige to attend a Hindu wedding, where they inadvertently receive the powers of the Hindu's Ultimate Lovers, Shakti , the Goddess of Creation and her lover, Shiva , the God of Destruction. Phoebe and Paige must keep them from consummating their obvious new passion or according to Hindu dogma and legend, the world will be destroyed if they love one another again. Meanwhile, Barbas hatches a plot to distract Piper and Leo, well aware that Leo is hunting him and enlists a hoard of lesser demons to kidnap baby Chris . Paige finds that the remaining staff at Magic School is packing up in preparation for shutting down, and resolves to take action for it to remain open. Phoebe meets her ghost writer at the Bay Mirror and discovers that Leslie is a guy. Back at the manor, Inspector Sheridan and a reluctant Darryl Morris confront Leo and Paige in the nursery and Leo blasts her across the room knocking her unconscious then leaves. Barbas proves able to influence Leo and uses projective telepathy to implant beliefs and causes him to attack an elder who is actually on his side.

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THE THREE DOCTORS By Bob Baker and Dave Martin 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] BLACK SCREEN (Coloured lights flash before our eyes and resolve into a familiar, friendly face, which fades into the background. It is replaced by the show logo.) (This is then replaced by the following text.) TITLE THE THREE DOCTORS (Fades to.) PART ONE (Fade in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 1. EXT. WILD LIFE SANCTUARY - LAKE DISTRICT - DAY (By the side of a lake, a weather balloon has come down. A man, ARTHUR, walks up to it and inspects a box that is attached to it. He touches it, hesitantly.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. EXT. WILD LIFE SANCTUARY - ENTRANCE - DAY (A land rover drives up to the house, passing a sign. MINSBRIDGE WILD LIFE SANCTUARY WARDENS OFFICE (The land rover drives up to a house and stops. The driver, DOCTOR TYLER, gets out and is approached by a WOMAN.) WOMAN: Dr. Tyler is it? TYLER: Yeah. Sorry to be a trouble. Thanks very much for calling. WOMAN: Oh, Arthur's keeping an eye on it, down by the lake. He hasn't touched it. TYLER: Oh good. WOMAN: It's not chemicals is it? Only the birds, you see... TYLER: No, you'll be all right. Nothing to worry about. (He gets back into his land rover and drives off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. EXT. WILD LIFE SANCTUARY - LAKESIDE - DAY (Arthur is looking at the box suspiciously. He gets up and looks at the road and sees Tyler's land rover approaching. He looks back at the box. The box crackles, menacingly. Arthur looks down at it. There is a blinding flash of light, emanating from the box, and Arthur Ollis vanishes. Across the lake the birds take flight in fright...) (A few moments later, Tyler drives up in his land rover. He gets out of the car and looks around for Mister Ollis.) TYLER: (Yelling.) Mr. Ollis! (He is answered only by a bird's call.) TYLER: (More cautiously.) Mr. Ollis? (Tyler gazes at the box. Sighing, he turns back to the land rover and pulls out a radio, one of the small walkie-talkie kinds that can be connected to the dashboard.) TYLER: Put me through to UNIT HQ will you, please? [SCENE_BREAK] 4. INT. UNIT HQ - DOCTOR'S LABORATORY - DAY (The Box sits on the bench. The TARDIS sits in the corner of the lab. Jo enters with a tray of standard issue military coffee in plastic cups. Doctor Tyler is talking with the Third Doctor as the Brigadier watches.) TYLER: So there you are. Mrs. Ollis says her husband's down there, I see him wave, get there and there he is - gone. So I got in touch with you lot. BRIGADIER: Quite right too. That's what we're here for, hey Doctor? THE THIRD DOCTOR: Yes of course. JO: What exactly is this machine for? (Jo starts examining the box.) TYLER: Cosmic Ray Research, Mrs. Grant. JO: And you still use balloons. TYLER: That's right. We may not be NASA, but we get the results. Inside that (Indicating the box.) is the most sophisticated Cosmic Ray Monitoring device between here and Cape Kennedy. You see, I was going to get in touch with you people anyway, even before this business. BRIGADIER: Oh? Why was that? TYLER: Can you give me that briefcase, will you? THE THIRD DOCTOR: Yes of course. (The Doctor picks the briefcase up from the floor and passes it to him.) TYLER: Well, we've been getting some pretty funny results on these latest tests. (He puts on his glasses, opens the briefcase, and pulls out some slides.) TYLER: Now this is the first one you see. Ah, this is normal. (This slide shows the normal pattern of cosmic rays. He then hands it to the DOCTOR who pins it up on a board over the lab bench.) TYLER: Now then. This is why I'm here. Last week's tests. Look at that. (The BRIGADIER stares at the second slide and then Tyler passes it on to the DOCTOR for closer inspection.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: Good grief. (The second slide shows a streak of lightening.) TYLER: Yeah. Nobody knows what to make of it. Well, they've all seen it. Yanks, and the other lot. BRIGADIER: Oh?! TYLER: Now here's somewhere, oh yes. Now this is what really put the tin hat on it. From that deep space monitor Houston put up. But just take a look at those readings! (While he has been talking, Tyler has pulled out a mass of paper, covered in numbers. He shows it to the BRIGADIER, who looks confused by it.) BRIGADIER: Erm, the Doctor's the, erm, the man that you... TYLER: What? Oh, oh I see. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Thank you. (Tyler now shows the papers to the DOCTOR, who takes them and starts leafing through them, looking at a few pages here and there very briefly.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: Well it's travelling faster than light. TYLER: Yes. And it can't, can it? I don't know what to make of it. It's come all that way, through millions of star systems. Must have been directed... And it must have been directed at us. But why? THE THIRD DOCTOR: Why indeed, Professor Tyler, why indeed. BRIGADIER: Thing is Doctor, is there anything I can do? THE THIRD DOCTOR: Yes. Pass me a silicon rod will you? (The BRIGADIER picks up a small rod from the bench in front of him. He passes it to Jo, who in turn passes it to the Doctor. He stirs his coffee with it, and then takes a sip. The Brigadier looks annoyed.) BRIGADIER: Yes, what I meant was, is there anything that U.N.I.T. can do about this space lightening business? THE THIRD DOCTOR: Lightening? Yes I suppose it could look like lightening, only it isn't. (The DOCTOR stares at the two plates hanging up over the sink.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: No. If there where such a thing I would say it was compressed light. A sort of controlled superlucent omission. BRIGADIER: What? (Not understanding a word of it.) JO: He means it travels faster than light. BRIGADIER: Thank you, Miss Grant. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Tell me, Professor, is this machine of yours functioning properly? TYLER: Far as I can tell. Haven't developed that latest slate yet, of course. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Well, I suggest that you do so immediately and let me know the result of your findings. Jo, you and I are going to take a look at the scene of the crime. JO: Right. THE THIRD DOCTOR: I think you'll find everything you need here. TYLER: Oh, right. Thanks. (The Doctor and Jo leave, while Tyler takes a small plate out of the box and begins to use the equipment in the lab to develop it. The Brigadier looks on. Tyler notices the Brigadier, still hovering expectantly.) TYLER: Oh, I can manage now, thank you. BRIGADIER: (Icily.) I'm delighted to hear it. Make yourself at home. (Sarcastic.) We're only supposed to be a top-secret security establishment. Liberty Hall, Doctor Tyler. Liberty Hall! (With that the Brigadier marches away, leaving Tyler to shake his head in bewilderment. A few seconds later he is given cause for even more bewilderment. Upon pressing a button on the developing machine in the corner of the laboratory, a small piece of photographic paper emerges. Tyler picks it up and looks at it in amazement.) TYLER: That shouldn't happen. (Placing the slide on the viewer, we can now see the cause for concern. The slide shows a streak of space lightening, and then, superimposed upon the image, is Mr. Ollis' face, contorted in agony.) TYLER: That defiantly shouldn't happen. (Tyler goes across to the box, still sat on the workbench, and begins to unscrew the top of the box. The box crackles to itself and Tyler backs away in fear as there is a blinding flash of light and Tyler vanishes. Poor Doctor Tyler seems to have gone the way of Mr. Ollis. A few moments later a small blob of purple-brown stuff emerges from the box and makes it's way slowly into the sink and down the drain.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. EXT. WILD LIFE SANCTUARY - LAKESIDE - DAY (The THIRD DOCTOR is bent down, examining the ground while JO and Mrs. OLLIS watch.) MRS. OLLIS: This here's the place all right. (Jo is not convinced.) JO: Are you sure Mrs. Ollis? MRS. OLLIS: Well the Land Rover tracks stop here don't they? I told you, you're too late. The other gentleman's been and gone. (The Doctor has been examining the ground with a Geiger counter-like device which has been emitting a lot of beeps, far more than is normal for simple background radiation. The Doctor looks up and addresses Mrs. Ollis.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: And you haven't seen your husband since this morning? MRS. OLLIS: No. Nothing unusual in that. Oh he'll be off somewhere. We shan't see him now until dark. I'll look for him if you like. THE THIRD DOCTOR: No. No, it's not important. MRS. OLLIS: Please yourself. I'll be getting on then. (Mrs. Ollis walks away, back to the house, leaving the Doctor and Jo to chatter.) JO: It is important, isn't it, Doctor? THE THIRD DOCTOR: Yes Jo. Yes, it's much more important than I thought. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. INT. UNIT HQ - DOCTOR'S LABORATORY - DAY (The BRIGADIER enters the now deserted room. Some time has passed since Doctor Tyler's disappearance, but the room is just as he left it.) BRIGADIER: Doctor Tyler, these reports might interest you... (He notices the absences of Doctor Tyler.) BRIGADIER: Tyler? (Crossing to another door, the Brigadier opens it and yells through it.) BRIGADIER: Doctor Tyler?! (He crosses back into the middle of the room.) BRIGADIER: Sergeant Benton! (After a moment, Sergeant BENTON runs into the Laboratory.) BRIGADIER: (Fuming.) Doctor Tyler appears to be wandering around UNIT Head Quarters. Go and find him and bring him here at once. BENTON: Yes sir. (Benton turns to leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. EXT. UNIT HQ - APPROACH ROAD - DAY (The THIRD DOCTOR and JO drive BESSIE, the Doctor's car, up to the entrance to UNIT HQ, with the hood down. The Doctor and Jo are protected from the rain by her umbrella.) (The sign on the gate reads MINISTRY OF DEFENCE U.N.I.T. HEADQUARTERS BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART NO UNAUTHORISED ENTRY (BESSIE drives in through the gate, around the UNIT building and enters the garage at the back of the complex.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. EXT. UNIT HQ - UNIT GARAGE - DAY (BESSIE enters the garage and the THIRD DOCTOR parks the car. Jo puts down the umbrella, and the Doctor and Jo get out of the car.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: Right, lets see what Doctor Tyler's found out about that plate. JO: What's that? (Coming out of the drain in the centre of the garage is a much larger version of the blob that entered the sink in the laboratory before. It seems to be drawn towards Jo and Bessie. Jo is still standing on the running boards of the car.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: Jo! Back slowly away behind the car. (Jo doesn't move.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: Do as I say! (She does so and they both stand with the car between them and the Blob, now almost the size of the car.) JO: What is it? THE THIRD DOCTOR: When I tell you to run, you run. (A pause.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: Right! Run! (Jo does so, heading for the bushes across the road from the garage. The Doctor follows close behind her. They hide behind a tree and watch what happens inside the garage. The Blob increases in size and there is a blinding flash. Bessie vanishes. The Doctor and Jo exchange worried glances.) JO: What happened? What is that? THE THIRD DOCTOR: I don't know. (The Blob disappears back down into the drain.) JO: Poor old Bessie. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Right. Come on. (The camera lingers on the spot where Bessie once stood. The THIRD DOCTOR and JO head off into the building.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. INT. UNIT HQ - DOCTOR'S LABORATORY - DAY (The BRIGADIER is tapping Doctor TYLER'S box with his cane, awaiting the return of... anybody really. After a moment, SERGEANT BENTON enters the Laboratory.) BRIGADIER: Well, where is he? BENTON: Sorry sir, we just couldn't find him. Doctor Tyler's just disappeared. We've searched the grounds and the buildings sir and there's no sign of him. Oh, and there was an explosion in the garage sir. BRIGADIER: Explosion? What explosion? I heard nothing. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Well, you wouldn't Brigadier. (The THIRD DOCTOR and JO enter the Laboratory.) BENTON: But there was a flash Doctor. THE THIRD DOCTOR: A flash yes, not an explosion. It was a release of kinetic energy. BRIGADIER: One of Bessie's gadgets misfire? JO: It's far more series than that Brigadier. BRIGADIER: You better check Benton. BENTON: Right sir... THE THIRD DOCTOR: (Cutting him off.) NO! I shouldn't go anywhere near it. Not just at the moment. BENTON: What shall I do sir? THE THIRD DOCTOR: I suggest that you put a guard on the drains Benton. BENTON: The drains? THE THIRD DOCTOR: Yes the drains! BRIGADIER: Put the men on stand by, Benton. BENTON: Right away sir. (Benton leaves to carry out his orders.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: All right Brigadier. Well then, what's the situation as you see it? BRIGADIER: Well, I just had a call from Mrs. Ollis. Her husband hasn't returned. JO: Oh no. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, I was rather afraid that might happen. BRIGADIER: We're cooperating with the local Police, but we have got fifteen hundred acres to cover. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Well, I shouldn't bother going on looking for him Brigadier. I think you'll find that that's Mr. Ollis. (The Doctor has found the slide that Doctor Tyler was processing shortly before his disappearance. He hands it to the Brigadier.) BRIGADIER: Is this the plate that Tyler was developing when we left? THE THIRD DOCTOR: Yes that's right. BRIGADIER: When I came back with these satellite reports, Tyler had disappeared and this box was open as it is now. (The box's lid is half off, as we last saw it.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: Nothing's been moved? BRIGADIER: Nothing. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Excuse me a minute will you? BRIGADIER: Um. (The THIRD DOCTOR takes his Geiger counter out of his jacket pocket and tests the box for radioactivity. There are only slight beeps from the Geiger counter, but still more than would be expected from normal background radiation. The Third Doctor moves the counter over the sink and then the readings go through the roof.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: All right Brigadier, go on. BRIGADIER: These are tracking reports and assessments from just about every country in the world. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Thank you. (The Doctor takes the large sheaf of papers and flicks through it, looking at only a few entries here and there, as if all the pages say the same thing.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: It looks as if Tyler was right. That light beam or whatever it is seems to have scanned the Earth like a searchlight and picked on us. BRIGADIER: Since UNIT is now in charge of this investigation it would help if you where a little more forthcoming. JO: Tell him about Bessie, Doctor. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Wh...? Oh yes. Well Brigadier, now Bessie has disappeared. BRIGADIER: What? JO: But it was after us. BRIGADIER: Yes, but what was after you? THE THIRD DOCTOR: Well, some kind of powerful organism thing with a very strong hunting instinct. JO: It was hunting you, wasn't it Doctor? THE THIRD DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, I'm afraid so. BRIGADIER: Are you trying to tell me that this whole thing has been arranged just for your benefit? JO: Oh yes that's right. You see that stuff simply ignored me as soon as it saw the Doctor. BRIGADIER: What about this chap Ollis? THE THIRD DOCTOR: Oh I don't know. Well perhaps this thing was confused, or it's instructions weren't getting through. BRIGADIER: And Tyler? THE THIRD DOCTOR: Tyler? Yes that was its second mistake, here in this laboratory where I usually work. And its third mistake was Bessie. JO: And you were in Bessie. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Yes. BRIGADIER: And you think there's a link between the beam and this... this organism thing. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Yes I do. I think that that beam was the method it used to get here. BRIGADIER: Well now it's arrived. And it's hostile. And it's still here. So what do we do and how do we find it? THE THIRD DOCTOR: We don't find it Brigadier. If we wait around here long enough, it'll find us. [SCENE_BREAK] 10. EXT. UNIT HQ - FRONT GATE - DAY (Two soldiers guard the main gate. One of them strolls over and leans against a small army jeep that is parked near the front gate. He stands and looks down the approach road that leads from the main road to the front entrance to UNIT. One by one, THREE CREATURES appear at the entrance to UNIT. They are roughly the shape of a man, with a round featureless head and thick blobby arms and legs. They are the small Blob-like substance that attacked Bessie, but are now much more solid. They are the equivalent of assault soldiers.) (They stand motionless for a second and then begin to advance towards UNIT HQ.) GUARD: Holy mosses! What's that? (The GUARD, the one leaning on the van, looks towards the creatures as they emit a strange growling sound and start to advance.) GUARD: Get Sergeant Benton, quick! [SCENE_BREAK] 11. EXT. UNIT HQ - BUNKER - DAY (The CREATURES appear all around UNIT HQ.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. EXT. UNIT HQ - FRONT GATE - DAY (SERGEANT BENTON and TWO OTHER MEN arrive.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. EXT. UNIT HQ - BUNKER - DAY (More creatures arrive.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. EXT. UNIT HQ - FRONT GATE - DAY BENTON: How many of them? (More men rush out of UNIT HQ and follow the SERGEANT.) GUARD: I'm not sure, Sarge. They seem to be springing out all over the place. BENTON: Right. You hold them off here, and I'll cover the back. Right, you men come with me. Hurry. (BENTON and all but two of the men leave.) GUARD: Fire at will! (The guards fire at the creatures. The gunfire has no effect whatsoever on the creatures. It is as effective as taking on a Tyrannosaurus Rex with a peashooter. One creature raises its hand and emits a burst of energy. There is a huge explosion and the man dies.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. INT. UNIT HQ - DOCTOR'S LABORATORY - DAY (The BRIGADIER, Jo and THE THIRD DOCTOR watch from the LAB window as the creatures surround UNIT HQ and advance.) BRIGADIER: What are those creatures? Where are they coming from? THE THIRD DOCTOR: Obviously from the same source as that organism thing. First the scout, then the reinforcements. BRIGADIER: Their grasp of military tactics is very good. JO: Well let's hope Sergeant Benton's are even better. [SCENE_BREAK] 16. EXT. UNIT HQ - BACK ENTRANCE - DAY BENTON: Hurry men and keep your heads down. (SERGEANT BENTON runs past the back entrance to UNIT HQ just as three more creatures appear. Two men run out of the building and set up a sub-machine gun, which then blasts away at the creatures. One of the creatures raises its hand and fires, blowing up the men holding the gun, killing them instantly. It also destroys the sub-machine gun.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. EXT. UNIT HQ - BACK ENTRANCE - OTHER AREA - DAY (SERGEANT BENTON is directing the action on a walkie-talkie. One man fires a bazooka at a creature and it appears to die.) BENTON: Well done Johnson! (However, the creature gets up and advances, followed by three others.) BENTON: (Into walkie-talkie.) Brigadier, do you read me? Over. BRIGADIER: (On walkie-talkie.) What's the situation Benton? Over. BENTON: We're under attack from all sides. Weapons are useless. Nothing seems to touch them. Nothing. Over. [SCENE_BREAK] 18. INT. UNIT HQ - DOCTOR'S LABORATORY - DAY (The BRIGADIER is talking on the walkie-talkie. JO and the THIRD DOCTOR are watching.) BRIGADIER: Get the men out Benton. Complete evacuation. Then report to me in the laboratory. Is that clear? Over. (Outside the window, BENTON yells at the men.) BENTON: (Voice Over.) Okay men, fall back! Complete evacuation. ... building. Everybody. Now move. BRIGADIER: (Over above.) I better see what's happening. You stay here Doctor. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Not much point in my going anywhere else is there? (The Brigadier leaves the laboratory. As he does so, a small blob can be seen emerging from an air vent just outside the laboratory doorway. It heads straight for the Laboratory and the THIRD DOCTOR, growing larger as it does so. Inside the laboratory, THE THIRD DOCTOR and JO and talking.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: I think you ought to get out of here too Jo. JO: Not a chance. I'm staying right here with you. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Now please Jo, do as I ask. They won't harm you. You ignore them, they'll ignore you. I'm the one they're after. JO: Well, I'll just have to risk it, won't I? BENTON: (Climbing in the window.) Right Jo, Doctor. Have you seen the Brigadier? THE THIRD DOCTOR: Sergeant Benton. Just the man I wanted to see. Will you please take Miss Grant with you? Even if you have to carry her! BENTON: I'm sorry Doc, my orders were to report to the Brigadier. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Your orders sergeant... (The argument is stopped when the blob makes the doors to the laboratory vanish.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: Into the TARDIS quick! (All three run for the TARDIS. The Doctor opens the doors and they enter.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (THE THIRD DOCTOR starts operating the controls and the TARDIS begins to warm up. Sergeant Benton takes in the huge console room he's just stepped into, housed inside the tiny 1963 London Police Telephone Box exterior.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: Right. Force field on. (The TARDIS doors close.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20. INT. UNIT HQ - DOCTOR'S LABORATORY - DAY (Annoyed at loosing its pray, and being unable to enter the TARDIS, the Blob starts to remove parts of the laboratory.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21. INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM JO: You were going off without me weren't you. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Well sergeant, aren't you going to say it that it's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Everybody else does. BENTON: It's pretty obvious isn't it. Anyway, nothing to do with you surprises me anymore Doctor. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Oh. Thank you for the complement. (Jo smiles. Benton is obviously very shaken. The Doctor fiddles with the controls and the TARDIS shakes a little. It starts making the first part of the dematerialisation noise. Jo looks on, wondering what he's doing.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: It's not reacting. Well, there's only one thing for it. I'll have to send an SOS. (The THIRD DOCTOR pulls up a small box set into the console and flips a switch.) THE THIRD DOCTOR: I hate having to call them, but, there we are. JO: What were you planning to do, anyhow? THE THIRD DOCTOR: I was planning to lure that stuff away from Earth, Jo. But now as it seems to have immobilised the TARDIS, I'm not going anywhere. We're trapped. JO: So what are we going to do? THE THIRD DOCTOR: At least we can watch that thing in comfort and then we can send in a report and see what they have to say about it. (The Doctor turns on the scanner and goes to look at it. He can't seem to get an image on the scanner.) BENTON: Who are 'they'? JO: The Time Lords. Oh, things are pretty serious. THE THIRD DOCTOR: Yes. They are. [SCENE_BREAK] 22. SPACE (The SOS message departs the TARDIS and spins through space.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23. INT. CHAMBER - TIME LORDS HOME PLANET - DAY (The SOS is being received. Two people, one very old, the other middle aged, sit at consoles. The rest of the large room is deserted. Two people enter the room. They are the PRESIDENT and the CHANCELLOR. They approach the Old Man.) PRESIDENT: Is the Doctor holding out? OLD TIME LORD: We are giving his TARDIS all the energy we can spare. PRESIDENT: And the hostile? OLD TIME LORD: Unidentified so far my lord. (On the monitor screen above the Old Man's console, the old Time Lord now plays a recording of the Blob destroying the laboratory. The image is in black and white.) CHANCELLOR: And the source of this beam? PRESIDENT: You see Chancellor? The Black Hole. (On the screen, a massive gagged hole in space can be seen. From it, a beam of light is being emitted, directly at Earth.) CHANCELLOR: That's a nowhere. No place. A void. According to all known laws nothing can exist there. PRESIDENT: Somehow through this black hole vital cosmic energy is draining away in spite of all we can do to check it. CHANCELLOR: Already the Time Travel facility is in danger, my lord. PRESIDENT: Without it, we shall be helpless. Unless the energy loss is stopped the whole fabric of space time will be destroyed. We are being consumed and we can find no way to fight back. CHANCELLOR: Are you telling me we are up against an adversary, a force, equal to our own. PRESIDENT: Equal and opposite to our own. CHANCELLOR: A force which inhabits a universe where by definition even we cannot exist. PRESIDENT: Yes. A force in the universe of antimatter. CHANCELLOR: But that's too terrible to contemplate. Someone must go and help the Doctor. PRESIDENT: I agree, but no one can be spared, you excellency. Everyone is needed to combat the energy drain. CHANCELLOR: Are you saying we can't help him? PRESIDENT: Yes I am. But perhaps he can help himself. Show me the Doctor's time stream, the section for his earlier self before he changed his form. OLD MAN: Sir. CHANCELLOR: You can't allow him to cross his own time stream! Apart from the enormous energy it would need, the First Law of Time expressly forbids him to meet his other selves. (The Old Man types on the console.) PRESIDENT: I am aware of that your Excellency, but this is an emergency. CHANCELLOR: But you can't! PRESIDENT: No excellency. I have to. CHANCELLOR: Be it on your own head. (The Chancellor turns and leaves the room.) PRESIDENT: Now, show me. (On the screen, a black and white image forms of a little man in a baggy black jacket and equally ample check trousers. He appears to be running away from a burning barn. He puts his finger in his mouth as he reaches the camera and his face has an expression of 'Did I do that?' This is the SECOND DOCTOR.) (The image fades and the camera returns to the TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24. INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (Inside the CONSOLE ROOM, the THIRD DOCTOR, JO and BENTON and gathered to one side of the console. They hear a dematerialisation sound.) THIRD DOCTOR: That's odd. Nobody touched anything did they? BENTON and JO: No. THIRD DOCTOR: Well you heard it though didn't you? JO: Yes and felt it too. Could it be that stuff outside? THIRD DOCTOR: Well I don't think so. Hello, what's this? (The Third Doctor has found a recorder on the console. He picks it up and looks at it. Haven't we seen this before somewhere?) THIRD DOCTOR: Seems strangely familiar. Is it yours Jo? JO: A flute? No. THIRD DOCTOR: Well, properly speaking it's a recorder. SECOND DOCTOR: Thank you. (The Second Doctor appears out of thin air and takes the recorder from the Third Doctor.) SECOND DOCTOR: I was wondering where that had got too. (He plays a few notes experimentally. The recorder seems to be broken.) SECOND DOCTOR: You haven't been trying to play this have you? (He looks around the TARDIS console room.) SECOND DOCTOR: Oh. I can see you've been doing the TARDIS up a bit. Um. I don't like it! (The Second Doctor looks around, taking in the scene, including the monitor with the image of the Blob on it, as it tries to destroy the lab.) SECOND DOCTOR: Oh my word. (The Doctor flips a switch on the console, rather dramatically, and the sound increases. We can hear the chairs and tables being removed. He then flips the switch again, just as dramatically, and the sound turns off.) SECOND DOCTOR: Oh dear. We are in trouble aren't we? Just as well I turned up. JO: Doctor... (To the THIRD DOCTOR.) BENTON: Doctor! (To 'his' Doctor. The original article, you might say.) Where did you spring from? SECOND DOCTOR: Now don't tell me. (The Doctor thinks for a moment and then snaps his fingers.) SECOND DOCTOR: Corporal Benton isn't it! (BENTON points to his third stripe.) BENTON: Sergeant Benton now. SECOND DOCTOR: How do you do my dear fellow. BENTON: Nice to see you. SECOND DOCTOR: Haven't seen you since that nasty business with the Cybermen. BENTON: All those years ago. (JO turns to her Doctor, the THIRD DOCTOR. BENTON and the SECOND DOCTOR keep chatting. Brief snatches of conversation are heard as Benton tells the Doctor that the Brigadier has gone up in the world now as well.) JO: Who is he and how did he get in here. THIRD DOCTOR: Well it's a bit difficult to explain, Jo. JO: He's not one of them is he? (Jo points to the ceiling, meaning the 'Time Lords'.) THIRD DOCTOR: Well not so much one of them as one of use. One of me to be precise. (The Second Doctor has been listening to this last part.) SECOND DOCTOR: Oh no no no no. I'm sorry my dear I hate to be contrary, but I can see he's a little bit confused, poor old chap, and I do feel you should have the correct explanation, you don't mind do you? THIRD DOCTOR: Yes. SECOND DOCTOR: (Ignoring himself.) I didn't think you would. You see Jo, I may call you Jo, mayn't I? (Jo nods.) SECOND DOCTOR: He is one of me. JO: Oh I see. You're both Time Lords. SECOND DOCTOR: Well quite. Well, not quite. JO: Oh. SECOND DOCTOR: Not... not just Time Lords. Were the same Time Lord. THIRD DOCTOR: Oh please, you're only confusing my assistant. Jo, it's all quite simple. I am he and he is me. JO: "And we are all together gogokechoo?" THE DOCTORS: What? JO: It's a song by the Beatles. SECOND DOCTOR: Oh, how does it go? (The Second Doctor places the recorder to his lips.) THIRD DOCTOR: Oh please be quiet. (The Second Doctor lowers the recorder and looks offended.) JO: Look, is he really you? THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, yes I'm afraid so. BENTON: I think he is Miss Grant. You see, when the Brig and I first met the Doctor, he (Pointing at the Third Doctor.) looked like him. (Pointing at the Second Doctor.) JO: How? THIRD DOCTOR: Yes. That's what I'd like to know. You've got no right to be here. SECOND DOCTOR: Perhaps... THIRD DOCTOR: What about the First Law of Time. SECOND DOCTOR: Perhaps I could explain! THIRD DOCTOR: Perhaps you could! SECOND DOCTOR: Well our fellow Time Lords out there are just as much under siege as we are. THIRD DOCTOR: What? SECOND DOCTOR: And they couldn't send anyone to help you. But they did summon up enough temporal energy to lift me out of my bit of our time stream and prop me down here. Into my own future, so to speak. THIRD DOCTOR: Why? SECOND DOCTOR: My dear fellow, you are being a bit dim aren't you? Your effectiveness is now doubled! THIRD DOCTOR: Halved more like! SECOND DOCTOR: Now, now. There's no need to be ungracious. Suppose we have a look, er, at our problem, shall we? Er, you don't mind do you? THIRD DOCTOR: Oh, be my guest! SECOND DOCTOR: Oh, thank you. (He flips a switch on the console.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25. INT. UNIT HQ - DOCTOR'S LABORATORY - DAY (The Brigadier, now in full military dress, strides towards the Laboratory followed by two soldiers, preparing to storm what remains of the Lab. They sidle up towards the hole in the wall where the doorway once was, and look at the Blob inside the room.) GUARD: Good grief, sir. What's that? BRIGADIER: Don't just stand there man. Open fire! (The Guard does so, and the creature causes the water cooler, right next to him, to vanish. The Guard falls back in fear.) BRIGADIER: Fall back! [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (Inside, the Doctors, JO and Benton have just watched this on the monitor.) SECOND DOCTOR: Dear old Lethbridge-Stewart. Still blazing away as usual. BENTON: Can't we do something to help them, Doctor? THIRD DOCTOR: They'll be all right as long as they keep out of its way. (The Third Doctor turns off the monitor.) THIRD DOCTOR: Right, now you can see our problem, can't you. SECOND DOCTOR: Yes. Most unpleasant. (To one side, to himself.) They are very worried, you know. THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, and so am I. I think perhaps I ought to put you in the picture. SECOND DOCTOR: Right. THIRD DOCTOR: Contact. SECOND DOCTOR: Contact. (They both face forward and looking straight ahead with eyes closed telepathically tell each other about what has gone on. The camera holds on each face for a split second so that we get the impression of both faces merging into one being.) (They open their eyes. Contact is broken.) SECOND DOCTOR: I see. So it's after you? Or should I say us? THIRD DOCTOR: That's right. And as they can't help us, we'll just have to help ourselves. (We now see how different the personalities of the two Doctors actually are. The Second needs music to think by, but the Third prefers quiet to work.) SECOND DOCTOR: "Twinkle, twinkle little star." (He proceeds to play the tune on the recorder, as he starts to think what to do.) BENTON: What was all that about? JO: Sort of telepathic conference, I think. THIRD DOCTOR: Must you! SECOND DOCTOR: Are you going to take this attitude to my music all the time? THIRD DOCTOR: Yes, I'm rather afraid I am. JO: Oh dear... (The Two Doctors argue.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27. INT. CHAMBER - TIME LORDS HOME PLANET - DAY (In the Chamber, the Old Man and the Chancellor are watching the progress of the two Doctors. Both can be seen bickering on the monitor, as Jo and Benton try to stop them.) OLD MAN: We've achieved a transference, sir. PRESIDENT: Splendid. OLD MAN: But I don't think it's going to work. PRESIDENT: Why, what's wrong? OLD MAN: They refuse to co-operate. PRESIDENT: I see. Well, we'll soon shatter that. Show me the earliest Doctor. OLD MAN: Him too sir, but surly... PRESIDENT: Show me. (On the monitor, the FIRST DOCTOR can be seen, as he straightens his jacket. He is a quiet, dignified, white-haired old man. A figure who is to be reckoned with.) PRESIDENT: He'll keep them in order. [SCENE_BREAK] 28. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (Back as they where before. The Doctors are STILL arguing, this time over the loss of picture on the monitor.) SECOND DOCTOR: Well, you've been fiddling with it, haven't you? THIRD DOCTOR: It was perfectly all right until you touched it. Now if only you'd leave things to me. SECOND DOCTOR: If we were to leave things with you, my dear fellow, we'd be in a fine pickle wouldn't we? THIRD DOCTOR: Look, you lost the image, not me. BENTON: Here they go again. SECOND DOCTOR: I did not loose the image! (The THIRD DOCTOR and the SECOND DOCTOR have an overlapping argument as each accuses the other of losing the image. JO Notices something appearing on the screen.) JO: Doctor look. Both of you! Look. (On the monitor, a small triangular cell is seen lowering into view. Inside, the FIRST DOCTOR is trapped.) FIRST DOCTOR: Ah, there you are. I seem to be stuck up here. Um? Um? Oh. So you're my replacements. (Both replacements smile politely.) FIRST DOCTOR: A dandy and a clown. (The smiles vanish and both stare at each other.) FIRST DOCTOR: Have you done anything? SECOND DOCTOR: Well, we've, er, assessed the situation. FIRST DOCTOR: Just as I thought. (He laughs.) Nothing. THIRD DOCTOR: Well it's not easy, you know. SECOND DOCTOR: It's not as if we know what that stuff is. THIRD DOCTOR: No. FIRST DOCTOR: Then I'll tell you. It's a time bridge. (Both Doctors looks surprised.) SECOND DOCTOR: What? THIRD DOCTOR: I see. FIRST DOCTOR: Now what's a bridge for, hay? SECOND DOCTOR: Well, I... THIRD DOCTOR: Crossing. FIRST DOCTOR: Right. So stop dilly-dallying. And cross it! (He recedes into the distance.) (The Second Doctor screams at the monitor and runs back to the console and starts fiddling with the controls, followed by the Third Doctor.) SECOND DOCTOR: No! No wait! THIRD DOCTOR: You faded him again. SECOND DOCTOR: I did not fade him, you saw... THIRD DOCTOR: Yes you certainly did... (They both start arguing again.) JO: I hate to ask. (The DOCTOR'S stop and turn to her.) JO: But, who was that? THIRD and SECOND DOCTORS: Me. (They turn indignantly to each other and shout at each other.) THIRD and SECOND DOCTORS: Me! SECOND DOCTOR: Call will you? (The Second Doctor produces a coin from his pocket. It's one the Third Doctor knows well. It's doubled headed.) THIRD DOCTOR: Heads. (The Doctor tosses the coin, catches it, reads the face and then quickly pockets the coin.) SECOND DOCTOR: Hard luck. (The Third Doctor is resigned to his fate.) THIRD DOCTOR: All right. Stand by to disconnect the force field. BENTON: What are you going to do? THIRD DOCTOR: Now! JO: Doctor, No. (The Second Doctor disconnects the Force Field and opens the TARDIS doors. The Third Doctor emerges.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29. INT. UNIT HQ - DOCTOR'S LABORATORY - DAY (The Third Doctor is now in the lab. Jo runs after him and catches up to him. They are now trapped by the blob.) THIRD DOCTOR: Jo get back! (Jo grabs hold of him and there is a blinding flash of light. The laboratory is deserted.)

The 10th Anniversary Serial has three incarnations of the Doctor meeting up to face the evil Omega in a universe of antimatter.

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_02x01

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_02x01_0

*Dawson's room - Dawson and Joey are kissing as "Say Goodnight" plays in the background. They pull away.* Joey: What was that? Dawson: A kiss...I think. Joey: *smiles* You kissed me. Dawson: I know. *Joey and Dawson both have that 'Should we kiss again?' look on their faces* Dawson: So.. Joey: So. Dawson: Well.. Joey: Well what? Dawson: Well that was a kiss. Joey: I'll say. Dawson: So now what? Joey: I don't know. Dawson: Me either. Joey: Well, uh, maybe we could.. *Joey walks over and sits on the bed.* Dawson: What? Joey: Nothing. *Dawson walks over and sits beside her.* Dawson: No, no, you were going to say something. What were you going to say? Joey: Nothing, I mean, I don't know. I don't know what I was going to say. Dawson: You were going to say we shouldn't have done that. I mean, that's what you're thinking, right? Joey: Actually, Dawson, I don't have a thought in my head now. *standing up* But apparently, that's what you're thinking so Dawson: No, no, I... Joey: Look. Why don't we sleep on it? *Dawson looks at her.* Joey: (cont.) Not together! I mean, YOU in your bed and me in mine. Dawson: Right, right, uh, absolutely. Obviously. We'll sleep on it, wake up, and this will all be a dream. Joey: You mean like it never happened? Dawson: Is that what you want? Joey: Is that what YOU want? *Dawson just stands there.* Joey: Okay, poof! Didn't happen, Dawson. See ya later. *She starts climbing out the window* Dawson: Joey! Joey! *He runs to the window and pulls her by the arm back inside.* Dawson: Don't even think about climbing out that window. *Joey smiles and they kiss again.* Dawson's Creek theme (still the same, but new opening credits) *Cut back and forth: Joey laying in her bed, Dawson laying in his, Joey waking up and slowly smiling, Dawson waking up and smiling* *Cut to Dawson's parents' room. They're laying in bed and Mitch wakes up and turns over to find Gail sitting up in bed.* Gail: Hi. Mitch: Hi...is everything okay? Gail: Mm-hm. I was just sitting here waiting. Mitch: *slowly* Waiting for what? Gail: I don't have to be in until 9 today and of all the possible ways to spend a free morning there's one idea that just kind of seems to stand out. Mitch: Mm Gail.. Gail: You can protest if you want, but the resistance will only make the conquest that much sweeter. Mitch: Ah, Gail, Gail, I have to shower. I have a meeting. Gail: Oh, that's ok, the act plays under water too. Mitch: Gail. Gail: Right. Shower. Meeting. *Cut to Bessie and Joey pulling up in the truck in which has a flat tire. The truck stops and Bessie gets out.* Bessie: I could just open my mouth and scream. I hate this truck it's always something! Joey: Hey, these things happen Bessie. Don't let it get you down. Bessie: Your morning glow is highly suspicious. How many cups of coffee have you had? Joey: Can't a person be in a good mood? Bessie: A person can, but you. You're Miss Perma-Scowl. What aren't you telling me? Joey: Nothing. Bessie: Then what's with that look? Joey: What look? Bessie: You have this look. This cheery, yet sneaky, 'I got lucky' look. I know this look. *Joey tries to act casual but can't hide her grin.* Joey: Bessie... Bessie: Here, wait a second. Where were you last night? Joey: Nowhere...*gives in*..Dawson's. Bessie: Start talking. *Cut to Dawson and Pacey getting a haircut.* Pacey: You know, I knew there was a reason you got me up this morning for a morning trim. So c'mon, set the stage, I want details. Dawson: I don't know how to explain....it was in a word... *Cut back to Joey and Bessie fixing the flat tire.* Joey: Hot. Extremely hot. Bessie: So what kind of kiss was it? Peck on the cheek? Probbing tongues? Fingers clawing at your neck? *Joey makes a face like she's slightly embarressed.* Joey: Bessie... Bessie: (cont.) Did he touch your-- *Cut back to Pacey and Dawson* Pacey: ...thing-a-ma-jig? Dawson: Get out of the gutter. No thing-a-ma-jig involved. It was just the sweetest, most romantic, Fourth of July fireworky, waves crashing on the shore, beyond any movie I could ever imagine kiss. Pacey: Congratulations. I'm happy for ya. But, more importantly, are you going to do it? Joey: Don't even go there, Bessie. I will extinguish this conversation right now. Bessie: Okay. Alright. So what's next? *Cut back to Pacey and Dawson* Pacey: After you kiss somebody things change. Questions arise. Dawson: What questions? *Cut back to Bessie and Joey* Bessie: Does this cut France? *Cut back to Dawson and Pacey* Dawson: We haven't discussed it. Pacey: You know I can't believe this. After years of gratuitous self-examination, you finally did it, you acted. I mean, I thought you and Joey were going to draw out this 'will they-won't they' drama for at least another couple of years. Sam and Diane didn't get together for at least 4 seasons and Mulder and Scully...they haven't even kissed! If you and Joey can get across this romantic checkmate thing you've been in for GOD knows how many years...anything is possible! Dawson: God, calm down, Pacey. Pacey: No, I'm serious here. I can change, too. I can be Pacey Witter, bad ass stud and man about town. I can score with high quality chicks. Kristy Livingstone par example. Dawson: Senior cheerleader? Let's not abandon all sense of reality here. Pacey: No, no, no. No more negative thoughts. *Pacey pulls the lady's hand who's fixing his hair.* Pacey: You know what? Molly? I need a new look. What do you say we...frost my tips or something? Dawson: Frost your tips? Pacey: Yeah. *smiles* *Cut to Pacey walking towards his dad's police car with his "frosted tips". He gets in the car. He spots Kristy.* Pacey: Hey Kristy! *He turns on the car and turns towards where Kristy was headed until a girl wrecks into him [Andie McPhee]* Andie: Oh my God. Oh. Pacey: Great. Just great. My father's going to kill me. Andie: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Officer, please, I am so sorry. *Pacey looks around before he realizes that she thinks he is an officer.* Andie: I didn't see you pulling out. I mean, I did see you pulling out but it was so abrupt that-- Pacey: Mm-hm. Andie: Oh god. I just got my license. Please be kind. Pacey: I'm going to have to see that license and your registration, too, Little Miss. *She finds them and hands them to Pacey.* Pacey: Andie McPhee. Rhode Island driver's license? Andie: Uh, yes sir. See, my family just moved to town. We live over on Windsor. Pacey: Country Club. Andie: Yes. Is that a detriment? *Pacey is getting really into his police officer impersonation.* Pacey: Do you realize the severity of what you've done here? Hm? Do ya? *Andie nods* Pacey: Sitting behind the wheel of a very powerful and dangerous automobile is a huge responsibility. One lapse of judgement and you could run over a cat, a child, a nun. You know I could have this license revoked, *snaps*, just like that. In fact, I think I'm just going to take you in and book you right now. Andie: No, no, you can't! *Pacey turns away from the cop car.* Andie: I mean, um, please don't do that. I just got my license. Please don't revoke it. Pacey: 'kay. Maybe I can just, let this one incident slide. But I just want to let you know that I got my eyes on you now, Blondie. You cause anymore trouble in Capeside and Officer Pacey is coming after you. Hm? *Andie nods and takes her driver's license.* Andie: Okay, I understand. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh, um it was really nice meeting you. *Pacey turns back to the cop car.* Pacey: Damn. *Cut to Capeside High hallway, Joey is talking to a teacher.* Mr. Elliord: Good luck Joey. Joey: Thank you Mr. Elliord. I appreciate all of your advice, but... Mr. Elliord: Goodbye Ms. Potter. *Joey turns back to her locker. Dawson walks up.* Dawson: Hi! Joey: Hey.......how are you? Dawson: Good, um. Yeah...how are you? Joey: *sighs* I don't know Dawson. I think I might have made the biggest mistake of my life. *Dawson thinks it's him.* Joey: France. I told Mr. Elliord I just...wasn't going to go. *She smiles. Dawson smiles and laughs and hugs her.* Dawson: So Joey Potter's sticking around Capeside for some guy... Joey: Yeah, maybe if you're lucky I'll introduce you to him sometime. Dawson: Oh okay. *He leans in closer to her.* Dawson: *whispering* Well, he's a very lucky guy. *Joey smiles. They start walking down the hall.* Joey: But seriously, Dawson. What do you think? Dawson: I'm relieved. I'm ecstatic. I'm psyched. I'm...aroused. Joey: Aroused? Dawson: Yeah. Joey: Put your hormones aside for right now, Dawson. *Dawson leans in to kiss her* Joey: No, no Dawson. Just for a second. Me not going to France...you and me talking dirty in the halls...I mean, do you think we're making some massive, monumental mistake? I mean, things have always been so complicated between... Dawson: I think we'll be fine. I mean granted we'll be entering some uncharted boy/girl territory but I honestly think regardless of how complicated things are on a day to day basis, we'll be fine. We'll concentrate on the simple stuff. Joey: Like what? Dawson: Like a date. Joey: A date? Dawson: Mm-hm. Joey: You and me on a date? Dawson: Yep. Joey: I don't know, Dawson. I was going to watch tv tonight. I hear Luke Perry's back on 90210. Dawson: Saturday night the Rialto is closing. It's the last show, I think we should go. Joey: Will you still be aroused on Saturday night? Dawson: I think I can guaratee it, yeah. *They start leaning in to kiss, when Jen walks up.* Jen: Hey guys. Dawson: Jen! Hey. Joey: Hey.How's it goin'? Jen: Not great. My, uh, grandpa died last night. Dawson: Oh my god Jen I'm so sorry. Joey: How are you doing? How is your grandmother? Jen: She's ok, she's actually handling it better than me. Joey: Is there anything we can do? Dawson: Yeah. Jen: No, no I'm fine. Actually, I think I'm just going to head home. I was going to try to stick out the day but it doesn't seem like that great of an idea. *Jen walks away.* Dawson: Jen! Joey: You should go see if she's okay. Dawson: I'll see you later. *Dawson walks off leaving Joey by herself in the crowded halls of Capeside.* *Cut to Capeside hallway. Pacey is talking to some guys about the stunt he pulled with Andie and Andie walks up and overhears.* Pacey: Trust me, it's there! *indicating outside* I'm pulling out for school. Trust me, go outside. I'm in the cruiser, in my dad's car. Giver her the whole cop routine, license, registration. It was nothin'! *He walks away and Andie taps him on the shoulder.* Andie: Officer Pacey. You little stump. Pacey: Hey Little Missy, how you doin'? You keepin out of trouble? Andie: You know impersonating an officer is a felony. I should call the police station and report you. Pacey: Oh, there's a conversation I would love to hear taking as my father is the town sheriff! Andie: I have been having major anxiety attacks, to the point of medication, ever since you pulled your little stunt. Spinning scenarios in my head about being carded off to prison and becoming a s*x slave to some Sadis named Bomber Bertha. Pacey: Okay, now, correct me if I'm wrong, didn't you cause the accident? You hit me. I was just having some fun. And besides, it's NOTHING compared to the hell my dad is giving me. And you know what? Your country club Sab is still in one piece so.. *Kristy walks up* Kristy: Hey Andie. Andie: Hey Kristy. *Kristy continues walking.* Pacey: Hey Kristy...didn't you tell me you're new in town? How do you know Kristy Livingstone? Andie: Well, unlike certain sewer rats, she made the effort to welcome the new, and slightly insecure, to Capeside. Pacey: Well, she probably didn't recognize me I just had my tips frosted. Andie: You just had your tips frosted? Pacey: Yeah. Andie: Your tips are in attempt to win a certain someone. *Pacey points at her like "You got it"* Andie: Hot tip. Kristy Livingstone is a homosapien so perhaps you should start barking up a different tree. Pacey: And perhaps you should just stop barking altogether. Andie: Tell you what. Here's an idea. I've always had a certain soft spot for pathetic, lovelorn losers such as yourself, so if you like Kristy...I'll set up an intro. Pacey: Really? You'd do that for me? *Cut to Jen at her Grams'* Grams: Hello Jennifer. How was school today? Jen: The usual. What's going on here? Grams: Well I've decided to donate some of your grandfather's old clothes to the church charity drive. Jen: You're just giving his stuff away? Grams: No, it's for a good cause. There are people in this community who rely on these donations. Jen: But don't you think it's a little early to be clearing out his closet? Grams: He's not going to be needing these things. Those less fortunate, do. Jen: Grams just died yesterday. We haven't even buried him yet. Grams: What would you have me do Jennifer? Jen: I don't know. It's just that you're not exactly the picture of the grieving widow. Grams: Let me tell you something, Jennifer. I loved your grandfather from our very first date through 43 years of marriage and when he had his stroke, I sat by his bedside and for months all I did was pray for his recovery. But when his condition worsened, do you know what I prayed for? Not for his recovery, but for his release. I watched him waste away in that bed for almost 2 years. So whether I clean out his closet today or not, he's gone. He's been gone. *Cut to Gail running up to the house* Gail: I know, I know I'm late. And I know what you must be thinking. Mitch: You do? Gail: Before you let those thoughts get the best of you, here's the truth. The promo meeting ran long and after that there was traffic all the way up I-95 and I know that Ann Landers said that you're never supposed to give more than one excuse when you're explaining yourself to somebody, but that is the truth Mitch, and I really need you to believe me. Mitch: I do. Actually, I heard about the traffic jam on the radio. Gail: Oh thank god. Because I just don't want you to ever have to worry again that I'm....those days are behind us, you know that, and I would just hate for one of those old suspicions to creep back. Mitch: I know. It's okay. Really. Oh god, look at the time, I gotta get going. Gail: Where are you going? Mitch: It's just an appointment that's arisin suddenly. I won't be home too late. *Cut to Pacey at school watching Andie talk to Kristy.* Andie: Go for it, Pacey. She's all ready for you. I got her primed. Pacey: *to a tune* There once was a girl named-a Kristy, the thought of her nude makes me misty, a night on the town, we'll both go get down, by the end of the date she'll have kissed me. *Pacey approaches her.* Pacey: Kristy...hey! Kristy: Pacey...how are you? Pacey: Great. How are you doin'? Kristy: Good. What can I do for you? Pacey: Ah, Listen. I know this is sort of abrupt seeing as we hardly know each other. In fact, we don't even know each other at all. But I was wondering if I could change that and maybe get to know you a little better, take you out to dinner and a movie sometime. See if we have anything that resembles a future together. Ah, so, I was thinking tomorrow night? What do you say? Kristy: Sounds great. *Pacey nods his head like he's just been turned down but then realizes he hasn't and perks up.* Pacey: Okay! *Cut to Mr. Leery in an office. A secretary comes out of a door.* Secretary: Mr. Leery? Mitch: Yes? Secretary: Mr. Drake will see you now. *Phone is ringing in the background* *Mr. Leery enters the office and the secretary goes over to answer the phone.* Secretary: *on phone* Drake, Witherspoon, and Hall....no, we specialize in divorce. *Cut to Jen sitting on a swing. Dawson walks up.* Dawson: Hey. Jen: Hey! Dawson: My mom wanted me to bring you this. It's a chicken-cheese noodle thing with way too many spices, but she's kind of proud of it so.. Jen: Thanks Dawson. Dawson: No problem. Jen: Well you sure look spiffy tonight. Where you headin'? Dawson: Movies. It's the Rialto's last night. Jen: You know my Grandma's going to that. Dawson: Oh. So you aren't up to going? Jen: No, I thought I would sit here and curse the world instead. So are you going with Joey? Dawson: Yeah, who else? Jen: So how did things work out between you guys? How are the two star-crossed lovers? Dawson: *laughs* You know us, you know, we're just...Dawson and Joey. We'll always be Dawson and Joey. Whatever that means. Jen: What about Dawson and Jen? Dawson: I'd say I think you could use a friend right now more than anything else. How about it? Jen: I'd like that. *They hug.* Dawson: I gotta go. But don't sit here and curse the world all evening. Okay? It's beautiful out. Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] *Cut to Joey sitting on the dock. Bessie walks up.* Bessie: What are you doing here? Joey: Nothing. Thinking about tonight. Bessie: Oh, the first date. This will be interesting. *softly* Hey, what's wrong? Joey: I don't know it just seems weird. I mean, Dawson and I on a date? Doesn't that seem weird to you? Bessie: Well was it weird when you kissed? Joey: No, that felt pretty right. But the thing is, it hasn't happened since then and it was yesterday. Bessie: Well, that's not unusual, because the way I see it, the second kiss, it's always tougher than the first one. Joey: We actually kissed more than once that night. Bessie: Yeah, but it only counts as one and that first kiss. It's the passionate one. It's the one filled by desire and attraction, and all of that, but the second kiss is rational. You got time to worry, and over analyze and most women....they prefer that first kiss, but I'm partial to the second one because it's about something more. You'll get that second kiss Joey and when you do it'll be great. It'll be real. It'll be meaningful. *Cut back and forth. Dawson heading to Joey's on a speedboat. Joey fixing her hair. Dawson heading to Joey's. Joey putting on makeup. Dawson coming to Joey's. Joey putting on a necklace and looking in the mirror. Joey is waiting outside and Dawson is walking and they smile when they see each other and he picks a flower.* Joey: Hey. Dawson: Hey. It's my first act as your date. I thought - chocolates, diamonds, convertables - but I settled for foliage. Joey: Foliage is good. Dawson: So should we go? Joey: Yeah. Dawson: Okay. I'm really glad we've already bipassed the end of the evening "Will she kiss me?" drama. So, um, it should pretty much me smooth sailing from here on out. Joey: Yeah, but now you have to endure the agony of "Well, I've already kissed her so should we just check into a motel and go at it like p0rn stars?" anxiety. Dawson: I, um, I think I can handle that. Joey: Good because I know a good motel. Dawson: How about, um, we start with something very simple? Something that goes beyond this month's Panelist's Forum? Joey: And what would that be Dawson? Dawson: I would really like to hold your hand. Joey: Okay. *They hold hands* *Cut to the Rialto* Dawson: I can't believe they're tearing this place down. Joey: They'll probably put up something horrible that will make this place even more boring then it already is. Dawson: I guess all our movie watching will have to be restricted to my bedroom then. Too bad for us. Joey: A fate worse than death. *They smile and then put on their "Should we kiss" faces. The lights dim and Joey turns towards the movie but she places her hand in Dawson's.* *Cut to Pacey standing outside the Rialto.* Pacey: *Whistles* Kristy....makes me Misty...by the end of the date she will have kissed me. *Frustrated/angry* When she gets here. *Cut back to the theater and Jen enters and sits next to Dawson.* Dawson: Jen? Hey. Jen: I thought I'd take your advice and get out of the house for a little while. Dawson: My advice? *He then turns to Joey and whispers* I don't know what she's talking about. *Jen nods.* Dawson: Isn't your grandma here? Jen: Yeah, yeah, I just thought I'd come sit with you guys and thought that afterwards we could go to the Icehouse and grab some food. Unless I'm not welcome. Dawson: No, it's not that you're not welcome at all it's just that-- Jen: No, I--you know, I shouldn't have come. *She walks off.* Dawson: No, Jen, Jen, Jen. *He leans back in his seat and closes his eyes.* Dawson: I'll be right back. *Dawson once again leaves Joey alone.* *Cut to the lobby.* Jen: You know I was just thinking.. Dawson: Jen! Jen: I was thinking that, um, that we actually went to our first date, at this theater, and now they're tearing it down. How's that for one of your metaphors. Dawson: Jen, I'm really, really sorry if I made you feel like you couldn't stay with us, allright? it's just that Joey and I kinda have some-- Jen: *Cuts Dawson off* The whole time that we were dating, were you really wishing that you were with Joey instead? Dawson: What? No. Jen: It seems a little sad, really, that I was the girl who's sole purpose was to allow you figure out who you were really in love with. Dawson: Jen, please don't think of it like that, I mean, you and I had fun, we just... Jen: No, we did, but I held you off. I pushed you away. And I basically ran you out of my life in the midst of all that fun. So I guess it serves me right I lost ya. Dawson: You haven't lost me. I want to be a part of your life. I want to be your-- Jen: Friend? Dawson: I'm sorry. Jen: Sorry? Yeah...from being the girl next door...to the object of your affection...to the third wheel. It's been quite a ride Dawson. Dawson: Jen, don't even think about this now. I mean, give yourself some time. Let yourself heal. You and I will work this all out eventually. Jen: Give yourself some time? I just want to be your friend? You have to say those things, Dawson. Dawson: No, I don't! I meant it! Jen: Just do me one favor. All I ask, is that you don't jump Joey right away. Dawson: I'm not going to jump anybody, Jen! Jen: 'Cause honestly, I don't think I could handle seeing the two of you together, it'd send me to razor blades or something. Dawson: Don't even joke about that. Jen: Why not? This whole thing's a joke. You, me, my whole life here. Dawson: Jen, c'mon, don't! *Dawson goes back to the movie theater only to find an empty seat with a flower on it.* *Cut to Pacey flipping pennies into a fountain. Kristy walks up.* Kristy: Pacey? Pacey: Kristy! Hey! Wow, you made it! Great! Thanks for coming. Um, I was thinking we could go get a little bit of dinner. We're probably a little too late for the movie, but that's okay. Kristy: Actually I can't stay. My boyfriend's waiting for me in the car. Pacey: Excuse me? Kristy: Tonight's our 5 week aniversary. He wasn't too stoked that I made plans. Listen, I just had to stop by and tell you how brave I think you are. Pacey: Brave? Kristy: I know it's supposed to be a secret but your friend Andie told me about your condition. Pacey: I'm not really following you.. Kristy: And I just think it's really inspiring how you can still live a normal life through the constant cloud of death. Pacey: The constant cloud of what? Kristy: She told me about your heart stripe. Pacey: My heart stripe...ah, that. Kristy: Yeah, the stripe you have right across your heart and how at any moment it could just start strangling your heart and you stop breathing and die. She said you wanted to keep in a secret, no special treatment or anything. And I really respect that. See, I suffer from asthma, and I know how much I'd hate it if anybody treated me differently because of that. Well, goodnight Pacey, and I really think that you're quite a guy. Pacey: Don't mention it. Boyfriend: CMON KRISTY LET'S GO! Pacey: That didn't just happen. *Cut to Rialto* Grams: Jennifer! *waves* Jen: Fancy meeting you here. So what are you off to now? Going to find a little action now that you're a single woman? Grams: Now, Jennifer, don't say those things. I know you're upset about your grandfather but-- Jen: No, it's not just that. Well, look at me. I'm 16 years old, look what I've become. My parents couldn't stand me so they shipped me off to you. So here I am, living in this strange town without a friend to my name, and you know what the sad thing is? Is actually that you may be the best friend I've got. I'm just not all that sure that you like me. Grams: Oh, Jennifer. I know we may bicker from time to time but I love you, and with your grandfather gone, you're all I have. You're my whole world. Jen: Well if I'm all you got then I pity you too. Grams: Oh, Jen. *They hug.* Jen: Did you like the movie? Grams: Oh, well, they're not like they used to be, not like the one they showed on that first date with your grandfather. He brought me right here that night - The Rialto. You see, I didn't come tonight to watch the movie, I came to be with him. Jen: I'm so sorry. Grams: He was never as handsome as that night. *Cut to Pacey in a store and he spots Andie and approaches her.* Pacey: *Under his breath* Oh yeah. Andie: Pacey! What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in bed? Hooked up to a life support system? Pacey: Very funny. What the hell's a heart stripe anyways? Andie: I made it up. Pretty creative don't you think? Pacey: Oh yeah. *laughs sarcastically* Andie: Look, Pacey. I don't even know you, but if you thought for even one second that Kristy Livingstone was gonna dump her beautiful, All-State football boyfriend for you - a Sophomore with a heart stripe? - You're massively deluded. Pacey: That's great. Why don't you just rub some SALT in this open, painful wound. You know, Kristy Livingstone, she was kind of like a metaphor. You understand, the same reason I dyed my hair. I was under the impression that I could overcome my unlucky ways BUT after what's happened tonight, obviously not. Back to the old Pacey, the black sheep, the loser, the brunette! Andie: Well, I think you should dye your hair back. I mean, forgive me, but it looks hideous. Pacey: Thanks. Andie: Don't use that. Pacey: Why not? Andie: That's peroxide. That's going to strip your hair of all it's color. Here, use this. Put this in for twenty minutes, and rinse. That should do the trick. Pacey: You're not pulling another little prank on me here...you know, I screw you, you screw me. Andie: Guess you'll just have to take that chance, won't ya? Bye Officer Pacey! *Cut to Gail and Mitch in the living room.* Gail: I never thought I'd call my husband a liar. Mitch: Excuse me? Gail: So, tell me Mitch, why do you lie? What could you possibly gain from lying to me? Mitch: G--, I have no idea what you're talking about. Gail: You tell me everything is fine with us, you tell me nothing's the problem, that my worst fears are unfounded, yet, something tells me that's not what you're telling Drake, Witherspoon and Hall. Mitch: It was one meeting. Gail: Why? Because you want a divorce? Mitch: Because I'm not sure I can stay married to a woman I love and hate in equal measure. The reason I went to see Drake is because I want to know what my options are. Gail: Your options are you can either give me another chance wholeheartedly or go to Drake and write him a very large check and make our marriage another statistic. Do either one of those options sound appealing? Mitch: Yes, I just don't know which one yet. *Cut to Dawson walking up on Joey on a pier.* Dawson: I was hoping you might be here. This is beginning to sound like a ridiculous reframe. Joey, you have to know that I don't have any of those feelings for Jen. Joey: Dawson, it's okay. Dawson: It is? Joey: Yes. Do you want to know why I didn't go to France? 'Cause I wanted to so badly. I mean, in France I could have started over, you know. I wouldn't be Joey the waitress, or Joey the daughter of a convict, or Joey half of the "will they/won't they" couple of the century. I didn't go to France because it just seemed like the easy way out, you know? The easiest escape from my life, which in spite of a few highlights is pretty pathetic. But I didn't want to take that easy way out, Dawson. It just seemed like sticking around here would only make me stronger. Then there was you too. Dawson Leery, who finally got a clue. But I have to tell you Dawson, as complicated our friendship was, it doesn't even compare to how complicated whatever you and I have here is bound to be. Dawson: Really? What you and I have may never be simple...but that doesn't mean that we're not going to be scorching. Besides, who's to say that you can't have some of France right here in Capeside, hum? Here we are along the river Sende', a tour of the il de la city, the favorite spot of lovers and friends. And from here we also have a view of the magnificent structure that we simplists here in Capeside like to call....ze swingset. Granted, It's no Eiffel Tower, but it's all we got. *Joey starts swinging. Dawson sits down and they're facing opposite directions.* Dawson: But don't forget about the other franc-o-fellow opportunities in town. French fries. Joey: French toast. Dawson: French doors. *They french kiss.* Joey: French kiss. The 2nd kiss, the rational one. The one that requires thought. Dawson: You know I found out what they're replacing the Rialto with. A movie theater. Joey: They're replacing one theater with another? Dawson: Upgrade. Bigger seats, bigger screen, bigger sound. They say it's supposed to be great. Joey: But why change something if it already works? Dawson: Because maybe it will work even better. It's going to be so simple Joey. You know all this talk about a 2nd kiss? Joey: Yeah. Dawson: Well, it's kind of put me in the mood for a third. Joey: Me too. Dawson: I told you it was going to be simple. *They kiss again* *END*

After their kiss at the end of season one, Dawson and Joey have doubts about the future of their relationship as Joey is still mulling over plans to go to France. Meanwhile, Pacey plays a trick on new girl Andie, but later finds himself the victim of her revenge trick on him.

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fd_The_Office_06x17-18_0

Pam: [on the phone with a client] I just wanted to check and see if there's anything you needed before I went on my maternity leave... Yeah, I'm pregnant... Great, well, I'll write up the order. Okay, thanks. Dwight: Wait a minute! You can't do that. You cannot exploit your baby for sales. Jim: [on the phone] Hey, did I tell you we were going to have a baby? Oh, thank you very much. I'm excited. Oh, definitely. Dwight: No, no! You need to come by your sales honorably! Pam: There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life. People like it. Dwight: [on the phone with a client] Hey there. Dwight Schrute here. Listen, uh, would you be interested in restocking on paper? ... Yeah, I could sure use the money. My cousin, uh, came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus. Oh, it's just horrific. The doctor says he'd never seen it beard so quickly. Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I need a baby. I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one. Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life. Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Kevin, you're such a gourmand. Kevin: I cooked my way through Julia Childs' cookbook, and now, I'm halfway through the Twilight cookbook. Last night, I had Edward's corn flake chicken. Pam: Hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times, so we've been eating together a lot. Not all meals. Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, and first dinner. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: I thought that maybe we should do something special for early dinner. One last ultra feast. Pam: Mmmm, that sounds great. What are you thinking? Kevin: I think it should be a surprise. Meredith: [After Pam has a contraction] Oh, getting there, huh? Pam: No, no. I still have time. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart. So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor. Jim: Yeah, we're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO. Pam: If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors. Jim: Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital will be very nice because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is going to have to take care of it. And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy. Pam: I cannot wait for that joke to be over. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Ooh. Michael: Oh, oh, oh! Contraption! She's contrapting! Okay, you know what? I think I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why. I am a licensed, classy driver in the state of Pennsylvania. I gassed up the car... Jim: Michael. Michael: Actually, I put diesel in this time, trying to save some money. Jim: Michael, you shouldn't have done that. Michael: Happy to do it. Also, I did a heck of a job baby-proofing this office. Pam: You know the baby's not going to live here, right? Michael: Well, the baby was conceived here, so might as well live here a little bit, too. Jim: Hmm, that logic's air-tight, but unfortunately it wasn't conceived here. Burning man, port-o-potty. Michael: Oh, yuck! TMI! How was it? I don't want to know. Tell me later. Let's go! Let's go! Hospital! Pam: Okay, okay, we're not going to the hospital. We are waiting until midnight. Erin: Ooh, spooky. But why? Jim: Because the insurance company only covers two nights. Pam: Everything's fine. We have plenty of time. Nick: Well, you don't want to wait too long, Pam. Otherwise the baby's going to become a teenager in there and you'll be up all night, from the rock music. Michael: Shut up, Nick. What a weird thing to say. Weird I.T. nerd. Don't get revenge on me, nerd. Angela: [as Nick looks over at her] What are you looking at? Dwight: Ha, nerd. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Did you know that labor can last weeks? Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table, and sometimes epidurals don't work, and you can poop yourself. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [with Angela in the break room] Bare my child. Angela: Excuse me? Dwight: I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything... Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 PM at our old meeting spot and bang it out. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [after Pam has another contraction] That's seven minutes. Here we go. This is happening. Come on. Pam: Hold on, hold on. It isn't midnight yet. Jim: Are you serious? Pam. Pam: No, the doctor said every five to seven minutes. Jim: I... Pam, please. Pam: I'm going to be okay, we should really try to make it until midnight. Andy: Yeah, no, you really should. Because if your baby's born tomorrow, he's going to have the same birthday as Butt-mud Brooks. My old roommate. Pam: Did you hear that? Butt-mud Brooks. Jim: Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart. Pam: Five minutes apart. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So, the plan was seven minutes. But we're calling an audible, because that's her call. Because she's the quarterback. I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Okay, stop watching me. Jim: Okay, crazy. I think I have some better things to do with my day than worry about you, like sell printers. Pam: Mm-hmm. Jim: Well not until Friday 20% off toner cartridges, that's a big deal. While we're on the subject, why don't I just run you down to the hospital and we'll just do a quick check? Pam: Not until midnight. Andy: Guys. Word of advice. Speaking as a former baby. Don't get too hung up on baby names. I was named Walter Jr. after my father until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds. Erin: I thought you said your younger brother was named Walter Jr. Andy: My brother was born, and my parents felt he better exemplified the Walter Jr. name, so they gave it to him. I was given Andrew, which they got out of a baby name book. Jim: You know, it's getting real crowded in here. Maybe you guys should all go back to work because the day's not out yet. Michael: No, no, no, no, no. You know what? You can't tell us what to do because you are not co-manager anymore. Jim: [as Andy and Kevin shout "yeah!" in response to Michael] Okay, I feel like this noise is going to prevent Pam from being able to listen to her body's signals. Pam: Actually, the distractions are good. I mean, I don't think I'm going to make it until midnight if I'm just sitting here thinking about it. Michael: Distractions are good! That means conference room, five minutes! No, no, five seconds! Right now, right now! Conference room! Topic, potpourri! Let's go! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Um, I am sort of a master of distraction. When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class. Try to think, what were the first thirteen colonies? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. [Michael covers his mouth and makes fart noises.] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: The purpose for this meeting is to take Pam's mind off of what's going on inside of her body. Andy: Can we do sleight of hand tricks? Michael: I will allow that. Andy: Yes! Can anyone do those? Stanley: I'm going to go look at the Internet. Jim: [as Pam has another contraction] Oh! Oh, alright. That's a good one. Pam: Oh, okay, uh, sorry, guys. Just, um, keep talking. Michael: Okay. Kelly: Oh my God, Pam, you are a woman warrior. Pam: Oh, thanks, Kelly. Michael: Does anybody have anything? Anything interesting, any hobbies, uh, special skills? Pam: Yes, this is the only time I'm ever going to make this request. Michael: Yes, Phyl? Phyllis: I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club. Michael: [ as Pam shakes her head] Nope, nope, I don't think anybody wants to see that. Andy: I can do the evolution of dance-dance. Michael: [as Pam gives the thumbs up] That sounds good! Do you need some music, or...? Okay. Andy: Nope, actually music would just throw me off. I need complete silence. Okay... [Pam begins to clap as Andy dances] You're clapping. I need complete silence. Totally threw me off, so I'm going to have to start over. Evolution of dance-dance. Ryan: [reading from a book as Kelly admires] "You let me in your bed. But now, I sleep alone. Trapped with the forgotten in my detritus home." Erin: [naming race horses] Affirmed. Seattle Slew. Secretariat. Citation. Assault. Count Fleet. Rollaway. War Admiral. Omaha. Gallant Fox... And... I know this. Uh... The jockey was Johnny Loftus. Sired by Star Shoot. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Good afternoon. Dwight: Have a seat. Angela: What is this? Dwight: Before we conceive a child, uh, it is important that we bang out a parenting contract. Angela: Of course. Dwight: It's been a long time since we've come down here separately. Angela: You know I was thinking... Dwight: Now, then. Let's get to it, shall we? Item one[/b]: [speaking into a voice recorder] Child will be breast fed by the mother for exactly six months, then weaned onto a nutrient-rich winter vegetable mash provided by the father, Dwight Schrute, hereafter referred to as Morpheus. Agreed? Angela: Agreed. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [as Pam has another contraction] Where are we? We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen. Another seventy five contractions and you are going to be there. Kevin: For the love of God, Pam, do it for ultra feast! Jim: Okay, you know what? I'm going to go give, uh, doctor Asmani a quick call. He'd probably know... Pam: Jim, please. Happy thoughts here. Happy times. Michael: Yeah, happy times. Come on. Let's have happy times. Jim: Alright. Michael: Jim, as a matter of fact, I have printed out ten ways to induce labor. And I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things and we can slow down your labor. Erin, read the first one. Erin: Um, stimulate the nipples. Michael: Okay, nobody touch Pam's nipples. Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle. Kevin: Her shirt is touching them. Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt. Meredith: I have a shirt like that in my car. Michael: Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it? Erin: Okay, uh, the second one is walk around. We're already doing the opposite of that. Perfect. Okay, number three, eat spicy foods. Michael: Okay, the opposite of that? Kevin: Stick spicy food up her butt. Jim: Nope, nope, nope, nope. Come on, let's go to the hospital. Pam, let's go to the hospital right now. Pam: Jim, Jim, honey, I love you, but you're really distracting me from my distractions. Jim: Mm-hmm. Okay, great. Well, sorry. Pam: Why don't you go do some work? Jim: Great. I will do that. Sorry, Pam, I just feel a little bit frazzled. And you know how very rarely I use that word. Frazzled. Pam: I know, you don't like to be frazzled. Jim: No, I don't. Pam: Okay. Jim: Oh, and by the way, hate that you're helping her with this right now. Totally. Michael: Ooh, someone's freakin'. Andy: A little frazzled. Michael: I think he is. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I know Pam better than anyone in this office, and obviously she's gone crazy, but everybody wants to say that I'm crazy. But I'm not crazy, she's crazy. I'm not crazy, she's crazy. [reading from various books] Five to seven minutes. Five to seven minutes. Six minutes. Different, but not really. Five to seven minutes. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Acceptable names include and are limited to[/b]: Ebenezer. Angela: Jedediah. Dwight: Jonas. Angela: Jedediah. Dwight: Warf. Angela: No Star Trek names. Dwight: Okay. Fine. Angela: What if it's a girl? Dwight: Irrelevant question. Section 5A, child shall be male. Angela: Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that. You can't put that in here. Dwight: Yes you can. Angela: No. Dwight: It's as simple as keeping the womb extremely warm for two days after s*x, and then extremely cold for five months. Angela: Absolutely not. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Pam approaches as he sits in his car] Hey. Pam: Hey. I'm not going to get in the car, because I know if I do you'll try to drive me to the hospital. Jim: Ah, you know me too well. Pam: Okay, Jim. Jim: Yeah? ... Oh. Pam: Everything is fine. You don't have to worry. Try not to think about it. She's not coming out for a while, okay? Jim: Did you say "she?" Pam: I called the doctor like a week ago. I couldn't wait... Oh, God, don't be mad. Jim: Mad? How could I be mad? We're having a little girl. Pam: Mm-hmm. Jim: Wow, we're having a little girl. Oh, man. Pam: I know. Jim: Woo, alright. Well, I definitely feel better. Pam: Good. Jim: Yeah. Pam: Okay. Jim: Alright... Hey, did you change? Pam: Oh, yeah, my water broke. Jim: Oh. Oh... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [enters the office and has another contraction] Oh, whoa. Ha. Wow. Michael: Pam, Pam! Okay, alright, okay, it's time. Time to go to the hospital. Somebody get Jim, please! Is it midnight yet? Phyllis: No, it's 4:35. Michael: 4:35. Alright, almost made it. Almost made it. Too bad you didn't have s*x like seven and a half hours later. But you had to have the afternoon delight. I understand. Sometimes you have to go for it. Let's go to the hospital, shall we? Pam: No, not yet, Michael. Michael: We can do... Pam: Oh, wow, it's almost time for ultra feast! Where's Kevin? Michael: Oh. What? You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital? Oscar: That's fancy feast. Ultra feast is something they made up so they can pig out together in the name of ceremony. Michael: What is October feast? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: There is no rush to get to the hospital. I am fine. I'll get there. And if I don't get there, I don't get there. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Our ultra feast menu's theme[/b]: Hollywood. We have Ratatouille, from Ratatouille, and tandoori chicken, from Born Into Brothels. I tried to bake a cake like that District 9 prawn thing, but I... Are you okay? Pam: Mm-hmm. Yes, I'm fine. Um, yeah, the doctor said it's still considered a minor contraction as long as I can talk through it. Michael: Okay, okay, Jim. I think this feast is over and it's time to go to the hospital. Jim: Alright. Time to go. Okay. Michael: That's right, let's do this. Jim: Let's give it a shot. Pam: Nope. No, no, that's better. That wasn't even the worst of them. I'm fine. Jim: Hey, come on. Let's go to the hospital. Pam: They're not that bad still, babe. Jim: Pam, Pam, it's time. Let's go to the hospital. Pam: No, it's passing, it's fine. It's okay. Jim: Come on, Michael says we should go now. Michael: Let's go, Pam. Yeah, I think we should head out. Pam: No, it's passing, it's fine. Jim: Pam. Pam: Ah, no, it passed. It's good. Jim: You know what? Let's go. We got to go to the hospital. Pam: Okay, I'm not going. I'm not... It's fine. [Jim, Michael and Kevin try to help her up] Okay, come on, come on. No! I am not going! I am not going, okay!? I'm not going today because I can't do it, I don't think I can do it. Jim: Hey, are you kidding me? Michael: Are you kidding? Jim: If anyone can do this, you can do this. Michael: You can do this. You can do this. Jim: Pam, I'm scared. I'm real scared. Michael: I'm scared, too. Kevin: I'm petrified. Jim: The best news is, we're going to have a baby today. Michael: Yeah. Jim: A really awesome baby. Michael: We're going to have a baby. Jim: So let's have it at the hospital. Michael: Let's do that. Jim: How are we doing on contractions? Michael: Two minutes apart. Jim: Two minutes... Pam: Oh, God. Oh, no. Jim: Michael, I told you. Michael: It's okay. Jim: No, I told you to warn me at five minutes. Pam: Jim, we waited too long! Michael: I know, I know, I know. It went by too soon. Jim: We waited too long! Two minutes doesn't do us any good. Well, what happened to four and three minutes? Michael: We're okay, Jim! Okay, Pamela. You know what time it is? Pam: I don't want to have my baby here. Michael: You're not going to. You know where you're going? Pam: The hospital. Michael: Yes, you are. And you know what you're going to have? Pam: A baby. Michael: Yes! We're going to the hospital and we're going to have a baby. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I got it! I got it! Everybody it's go time! At your stations. Stanley, man the phones. Meredith, please, get bottled water. Erin, call an ambulance, please! Dwight: No, no, no. Ambulances are emergencies only. You call an ambulance, I call the cops. Jim: Alright, we're driving ourselves, actually. Michael: No, Jim, you are in no condition to drive. I will drive you. Check! Got it. Jim: Alright, I have my wallet. Michael: Yes. Jim: Go bag's in the car... Keys, my keys, where's my keys? Michael: Go bag! Where's my go bag? Where's my go bag? Erin: There's nothing in it. Michael: You are telling me now that there is nothing in it. Okay, great! Oh, hey, hey, um, should I bring a dictionary to the hospital? Oscar: The hospital provides dictionaries, bring a thesaurus! Dwight: Has anyone checked how dilated she is? This is ridiculous! Pam: Dwight, get away! Michael: No, no, no. Dwight, let Jim do that, please. Erin: I didn't know we had a tape measure. Dwight: [as he holds up the tape measure with his initials on it] "We" don't. Jim: Okay, I can't find my keys! I cannot find my keys! Found 'em. They're here. Dwight, Jim and Michael: Here we go! Phyllis: Good luck! Nick: Good luck, Pam! Michael: Thank you! Wish me luck! Creed: Have fun! [sigh] Meredith: Hey, it's 5:00! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [entering the elevator] Here we go! Here we go! On our way! Stanley: Hold it! Michael: Come on, Stanley! Okay. We're going now! Toby: Oh, one more! Michael: No, no, no, no! Out, out! Idiot. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Dwight, what is the traffic like? Dwight: Doesn't matter. I'll escort you! Michael: Alright. Dwight: Let's go! Michael: Geesh, Dwight! Dwight: [as he peels out of the parking lot and stops] Michael! Michael: What!? Dwight: This is where I saw that deer last week. Michael: Where? Dwight: Right over by that fence. Michael: By the bushes? Jim: Okay, Michael! Focus! Michael: Okay, go, go, go, go! Dwight: Let's go! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Alright, here we go! You're doing great! She'll be here soon. Michael: Okay, just breathe... She? You found out? Come on, guys. I wanted to be surprised. Pam: Michael! Michael: Yeah? Pam: Stop texting, put your phone away! Come on. Jim: Michael, come on! Michael: I'm texting about you, okay!? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Ugh, alright. [as he puts a police siren on top of his car] Let's move! ... What? Policeman: Pull over! Dwight: Are you kidding me? Policeman: Pull over! [Dwight begins throwing various weapons out of the window] You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer! Don't make this difficult, Dwight! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Wait, wait. My iPod's not in here! Jim: Okay. Pam: It has the birth song on it! Jim: Okay. I know, I know. But my iPod is in the go bag. We'll be fine. Pam: Jim, I don't want the first thing the baby hears to be the 8 Mile soundtrack. Jim: Okay, so what do you want to do? Pam: I don't know! Let's go by the house and get it. It's only twenty minutes past the hospital! Jim: Pam, no! Are you nuts? We're going to the hospital now. Michael: Guys, guys! Stop fighting, come on. Come on. Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer? Right? Okay, you know what? I am all over this. Here we go. [as he calls Dwight] Ready? Dwight: Dwight Schrute. Michael: Hello, Dwight. Pam left her iPod at her house. I want you to swing by, pick it up, and bring it to the hospital. We need it yesterday. Dwight: Why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday? I kept IM'ing you how bored I was. Michael: Okay. Pam: Dwight! Go to my house. Get my iPod. I think it's on the kitchen table. Do not touch anything else. The key is under... Dwight: I don't need a key. Pam: Okay, Dwight, but if you do need a key, just listen it's under the... Dwight: No, no, don't, don't tell me. Alalalalalalalalalala lalalalalala alalalalalalalala. Pam: Dwight just listen! It's underneath... [Dwight hangs up as the policeman hands him a ticket] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay. Jim: Wait, you alright? Pam: Yes. Michael: Do you have everything, guys? Jim: Michael, just go park the car. Michael: Okay, alright. [he parks in an ambulance zone] Hospital employee: Sir! You can't park here! Michael: Dunder-Mifflin. It's okay. [he throws the keys into bushes across the street] I just did. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Pam's doing great. Uh, she's ten inches dilated now. Uh, sorry, meters. Centimeters. And she's also fully faced. Which I don't know what that is, uh, but no baby yet. It's only been six, uh, nineteen hours, and uh, I just went out for some ice chips because I might have passed out a little bit, but these are very refreshing, very good. Nurse: Daddy? She's ready to push. Jim: Okay. Michael: Where is my little nibblet? Halpert, room D1. Alright, family only beyond this point, thank you. Here we go. Jim: [as Pam screams] Doing great, push again. Doctor: Not yet. Jim: No, don't push. Pull. Pull. Nurse: Why don't you get more ice chips? Pam: No, Jim, stay! Doctor: Okay. Really push this time, Pam. Pam: Okay. Michael: [looking horrified as he walks from the room back into the lobby] Okay, not yet, not yet. I'm going to go wash my eyes. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: That kid's going to have a lot of hair. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hey, have you guys seen her? Meredith: She hasn't popped yet. Andy: What? God damn it. She was supposed to come out yesterday. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I decided to give baby Halpert a newspaper from the day she was born. This frame set me back fifty five bones. But she decided to take her sweet time, so now I have to switch it with today's paper. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: This is ridiculous. We just can't wait here. Michael: I think it's going to be any minute now. Phyllis: But you don't know that. I mean, we could be here another half an hour. Michael: Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do? Phyllis: I have an ice cream cake in the car. Michael: Oh, my God. Go, go, go! Are you insane? Alright. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Pam screams as he approaches the door to their room] Guys? Hello? Um, sorry to be a bother, but if we could have an ETA when this is gonna... Pam: This is happening! Michael: You're starting, you're kinda losing them. Jim: Oh, my God! Look at her! baby, she's so beautiful! Oh, my God. Pam: Oh, my God. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [smoking a cigar] Yeah, that's right. It's a baby, see? Doctor: Sir! Sir, you can't smoke that in here. Put it, put it out. Michael: Okay. You can't smoke anywhere these days. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [with Jim, holding the baby] She's incredible. Want to count her fingers and toes again? Jim: No, let's let her rest. I'm sure there's still twelve on each. Pam: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Guys, guys! Jim: Her name is Cecelia Marie Halpert. Michael: Eleven pounds... Jim: She's seven pounds, two ounces, eighteen inches. Mother and daughter are doing great. Everyone: Yeah! Michael: Thank you! Thank you! Oscar: Congratulations. That's great. [SCENE_BREAK] (Pam's mom) Heleen: Hi there. Jim: Hey, grandma's back. Helene: Well, it was an adventure and a half trying to find the cafeteria, but I have returned with the coffee. Jim: Great. Pam: Oh, thank God. I haven't had caffeine in nine months. Helene: Ooh, somebody has a full diaper. Jim: Oh. Let me get it. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I am a diapering master. I have done little else in the past two months. There is nothing I cannot diaper. Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Where's the baby? I want to see the baby. Oh! Oh, Helene, hi. Oh, my goodness, what are the odds of this? Congratulations on being a grandma. Helene: Hello, Michael. Michael: Hello. Oh, good for you. I worry about you. Helene: I'm, uh... You know I think, uh, I think it's time for me to go. Pam: Okay. Helene: Love you. Michael: Love you, as a friend. Pam: Love you, mom. Michael: Ooh, I want to hold the baby! Pam: Okay, you just have to use the hand sanitizer first. Michael: Alright. Pam: Again, no pants. Michael: Oh, okay. Jim: Ready? Michael: Mm-hmm. Oh. Ooh, wow. Michael. Michael. Jim: It's so weird, she was saying it just before you got here. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Yesterday, I was dispatched to Jim and Pam's house to find Pam's iPod. I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it. What I did find, was mold, and lots of it. So, I did what anyone would do. Read a book, had a bath, I got a good night's sleep, and I made plans to eradicate it. I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets... Time to get to work [he begins to destroy the kitchen with a sledgehammer]. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were insur-mountain-able. I made a family! I got these two together, and I made a family. Andy: This man has a gift! Michael: Who else here is single? Kelly: I'm not single. I have a man. [she grasps Ryan's arm as Ryan has his hand raised to say he's single] Michael: I am offering up my services to you all. You saw what I did with Pam and Jim. I can help you, too. Stanley: Why do you find someone for yourself instead of meddling in our affairs? Michael: Okay, show of hands. Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any? [Stanley raises his hand] Who else? Come on! People, I know models! Ryan: Ha ha, plus size models, maybe. Michael: Ha ha, you got that right! Meredith? Come on, you're obviously single. Meredith: You know it. I am never getting married. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Like Clooney. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Andrew, what about you? Andy: Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so not good timing. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Yes, I'm going to ask out Erin. I'm just waiting for the stars to align. Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Well, when you least expect it, expect it. I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love. I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person. And, like Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Remember yesterday when we were terrified of being parents? Jim: We were just kids. What did we know? Nurse: How we doing? Jim: Great. Pam: Good. Nurse: Would you like me to take her to the nursery for the night? Pam: Doesn't she sleep here? Nurse: She can. But a lot of parents choose to have the baby spend the first night in the nursery to get some rest. You've been through a lot. Jim: I think we'll be okay. Nurse: Okay, great. Pam: [as the baby yawns] Oh, big yawn. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Ready? One, two, three... Pam: One, and then wrap around. It's okay. Hold that arm down. Jim: I can't. She's too strong. She's, careful, though. You don't want to break it. Pam: She's not gonna... Just... Jim: I got it. Alright. Pam: Go. Jim: Nurse! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: How you doing? Pam: I don't know. I just, I can't tell if she's getting anything. Jim: Really? Pam: Doesn't feel right. Jim: Well, you're pushing the milk out, right? Pam: How does one do that? Jim: Wasn't it... It's kinda like a... Like that. Pam: Do you want to try it, Jim? Jim: I think you're good. Doing a good job. Nurse: Somebody buzzed? Jim: Oh! Really? Must have sat on it, Pam. Pam: I can't tell if she's getting anything. It just doesn't really feel right. Nurse: Well, maybe we should take a break for a little while. I can take her to the nursery and then bring her back and try again a little bit later. Pam: Even if she's not getting anything? Nurse: Yeah, she'll be fine. I can always give her a bottle since we're in the nursery. Pam: No. I read in the book about nipple confusion. Nurse: Oh, good. You know everything. Pam: She's just, she's really tentative about latching, and I just, I want to keep her self-esteem up. Nurse: Well, I'll bring her back in a little while and we can try again, okay? Jim: Alright. Nurse: Alright. Jim: It's going to be alright. Pam: Maybe it'll be good because then she can like socialize with the other babies. Jim: Ha ha. No, yeah, that will be good. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [in Michael's office] You wanted to see me? Michael: What would you say, if I told you that I was about to change your life? Erin: Oh, boy! ... What's that sound? Kevin: [as he appears from behind the door] Ta-da! Michael: I would like you to meet your new boyfriend. Kevin: Yes! Erin: I don't know what to say. Kevin: Oh, say nothing. You will learn to love me. Michael: Okay, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got to let the cookies cool before you pop 'em in your mouth. Why don't you guys get to know each other? Maybe have lunch together? Kevin: Erin, would you have lunch with me? Erin: Okay. Michael: Good! Kevin: Yes! Erin: Michael, could I talk to you privately? Michael: Sure. Kevin, please leave. Kevin: Bye. Michael: Bye. Erin: I'm so sorry if I gave you the impression I'm into Kevin, but I'm not. I like Andy. Michael: Okay. This is going to kill Kevin. Erin: I'm sure he'll be fine. Michael: I'm not so sure. Kevin has an enormous heart. Literally, he has an elephant heart. He had a transplant when he was seventeen. Had some problems, blah blah blah. Erin: Really? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: No, Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart. But he is very sensitive. And it won't kill Erin just to go and have lunch with him in the break room like I promised him... I bet his heart is enlarged, though. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: I don't want anyone to die. Michael: Just don't let him sit on you... I'm kidding. You'll have fun. It'll be good. It'll be good. There he is. Go to him. Kevin: Hi. Erin: Hi. Kevin: She touched my shoulder. [SCENE_BREAK] Nurse: Hey, guys. We're short on rooms, so this is Dale and Kathy. Jim: Oh, hi. Kathy: Hi. Dale: Hi, so sorry. Jim: Careful... Wow, she just shoves the nipple right in there. Pam: I know. Jim: You see that? I'm pretty sure she's... Hi. [SCENE_BREAK] [Dwight and friends continue to destroy the Halperts' kitchen with hammers] [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Did you grow up around here? Kevin: No. Erin: So, you must have grown up around somewhere else? Kevin: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Why was I hiding behind the plant? Ha, well, in college, I took a botony class, and there was lots of drama in that class. Uh, kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them by hiding behind different plants in the botony class. And then, uh, they would say things like "Oh, this guy's going to fail this class," or, "What's this guy doing spying on us from behind plants?" And then I would jump out of them and confront them, and be like, "Oh, you think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted." ... Oh, the reason? The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation was that I thought that Erin and Kevin were kind of hitting it off, and... I was jealous. [SCENE_BREAK] Hospital employee: Uh, hi, Pam Halpert? Pam: Yes? Hospital employee: Hi. I'm Clark. Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant. Pam: Um, yeah, that would be great. Jim: Yup. Really great. When's she available? Clark: Actually, uh, I'm the consultant. Got milk? Ha ha. Alright, let's see what we're working with. Pam: So, uh, biggest thing, besides not being able to get her to latch... Clark: I'll get that for you. Pam: Oh, thank you. Is that um, I can't tell if I'm really producing. I don't know if she's getting anything. Clark: Okay. Let me feel here. Pam: Okay. Clark: Yeah, it's quite full. Why don't you put your hand on top of my hand. Pam: Okay. Clark: When you're feeding, you want to press in like this, make your hand in a C. Uh, does that hurt? Pam: No, I mean, it feels... pressure. Clark: Okay. Jim: Are you sure it doesn't hurt? Pam: No. It just feels like pressure. Clark: Okay, well. Feel how I'm flicking the nipple? Like that? Jim: Yup. Clark: Stimulate it. Jim: Yeah. Clark: Alright, so you just want to do that, and that will, uh... Jim: Perfect. Clark: And you can just... The baby should grab on to that. Jim: I think she will. Pam: Okay. So, I'm just not sure if I'm releasing, though. I'm not sure if... Jim: We'll figure it out. Clark: It doesn't... Why don't you bring your baby over here... She's beautiful. Pam: Okay. Aw, thank you. Clark: Yes, congratulations. Jim: Thank you. Clark: Well, you're doing a good job. Just stay relaxed, and I'll come back in a bit to check on you. Okay? Pam: Okay. Jim: Please do. Pam: Oh, shoot. Jim: What? Pam: Shoot, she fell off. Jim: Oh, uh, try the torpedo thing. Pam: Will you just, will you grab Clark real quick? Jim: No need. I saw him do it. I can try it. Pam: Um, Jim, please, please, please, I think it'd be weird if you did it. Jim: Okay, I'll just go get the other guy. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [on the phone] Hey, what's up, kid? Angela: Have you had a chance to look over the revisions on the contract I've prepared for you? Dwight: Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's, and the umlauts. Why don't you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon? Angela: I look forward to it. Dwight: Very well. Angela: Goodbye. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [trying to sleep as the baby cries] Jim, Jim, get her. Jim: Hmm? Pam: Get the baby. Get her. Come on. Jim: Okay. Sshh. I know. [hands the baby to Pam] Pam: I got her. Okay. Okay. Okay... Jim! She latched! She latched. Jim: That's amazing. Pam: Oh, my God. I didn't even have to do the "C thing." Jim: That's awesome. Pam: Aw, we're doing it. Jim: that's great. Pam: We're really parents now. Jim: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Kevin. Erin would like a few words with you. Erin: Hey. Kevin: Hi. Erin: I have really enjoyed our time together. Kevin: Yeah, me too. Erin: I want to continue working on our friendship. Kevin: Really, really fun. Erin: Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing. Kevin: Yeah, me too. Erin: And, you're my friend. Kevin: Yeah. Erin: And I hope that I'm your friend... And, maybe... Kevin: Yeah. Michael: Oh, my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin? Kevin: You said she liked me. Michael: Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that that could never be possible, Kevin. And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place. Kevin: I've dumped better than Erin. Michael: No. Kevin: Lynn was way hotter than Erin, Michael. Michael: Lynn was as hot as Erin. Kevin: Yeah, Michael, but you dated Holly and Jan, and they were so much hotter than you. Michael: This isn't about me, and that is debatable. And I have a personality, where as you... Yes, Andy? Andy: [he hits his head on the desk after ducking out of the way from hiding behind a plant] Ow. Michael: Kev... Nice. Going. Erin: Well... [SCENE_BREAK] Isabelle: Knock knock. Pam: Oh, hey, Isabelle. Jim: Hey. Isabelle: Hey. Pam, she's gorgeous. Can I hold her? Pam: Yes. She was a little fussy earlier, but she's totally quieted down. Here, let me just, uh, let me just burp her. I don't want her to spit up on you. Come here, sweety... Oh, my God! Wrong baby! Jim: What? Pam: Wrong baby! This is not our baby! Sshh. Jim: Okay, okay. Pam: Oh, my gosh. Kathy: [waking up] Oh,has she been fussing long? Pam: No, not at all. Jim: Perfect. Kathy: I was out like a light... Oh, she's not hungry... Nurse: How's it going? Pam: Well, I feel like she needs to eat, but she won't latch on, which is weird, because the other baby di... Jim: Ha ha ha. Nurse: Bottles are fine. A lot of babies grow up using bottles. So are you excited to bring your baby home? Jim: We definitely are. At 3:00, right? You said we could stay until 3:00? Nurse: Yeah, you can. It's 2:35. Jim: Half hour. Nurse: Twenty five minutes. And you're all set with the car seat? Jim: Yes, car seat's right there. Nurse: That bottom part needs to go in the car. Jim: Newsflash, the whole thing needs to go in the car. Nurse: Ha ha, be back in twenty five minutes. Jim: Or it could be a half hour, if you need it to be... Can we get a late checkout? I don't... I don't think she heard me. [SCENE_BREAK] Isabelle: [entering the Halpert house] Hello? Dwight? What, what are you doing here? Dwight: Isabelle. Hello... Yeah, the uh, kitchen was disgusting, so... Isabelle: Wow, ha. New cabinets. Dwight: Yup. Isabelle: All I did was bring macaroni and cheese... Where's the fridge? Dwight: Oh, it's... In the backyard. I'll take this. Isabelle: Oh... Well, I'll let you get back to it. Dwight: Hey, listen. I know that I'm an adult, but maybe I could come by sometime for a teeth cleaning. You know, just for fun. Isabelle: Well, adults are supposed to go to the dentist, too. Dwight: Are they now? Ha ha, how some people spend their money, right? Ha ha. Isabelle: Yeah... Dwight: Alright. I'll call you, kid. Isabelle: Do that. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Are you really sure we should be leaving? Hospital employee: Yeah. Jim: But you hear the baby crying, right? Hospital employee: Mm-hmm... Where's your car? Jim: Uh, it's in the lot. Hospital employee: Oh, a lot of fathers bring their car around. Jim: Right, okay. Yes, that would be the smart thing to do. Uh, Pam, I will be right back. Pam: Okay, please hurry. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Erin, uh, I need you to send this fax immediately. It's really important, so I'm going to stand here and wait for the confirmation. Erin: Okay, good. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: The fax says "Erin, will you have dinner with me?" from Andy, and the number is our office fax number. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: It's busy. Why don't I keep trying, and then I'll give you the confirmation in a bit? Andy: Sorry, that's unacceptable. I need you to send it immediately, or you're fired. Erin: [tearing up] You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong. I've been having a tough day today. Andy: Oh, God, no. I'm... Just read the fax. Erin: You read the fax. Andy: I'm... I'm asking you out. Erin: Oh, my God. That's amazing. Let me just fax this, and I'll check my planner. Andy: So, it's a date. Erin: Yes. Do you have a day in mind? Andy: Yeah, what day? What day? Erin: Everyday is fine. Or... Andy: Well, that, what's that one? Erin: Thursday? Andy: Okay. Let's do it. Erin: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Hospital employee: Would you like me to help you up out of the chair? Pam: Oh, yeah, sorry. Hospital employee: Yeah, we just got a lot of discharges today. Pam: Okay, alright, thanks... Okay, do you want to eat? You want to try eating? Okay... Okay, let me... Just you and me. Come on. There we go... Yeah... Oh, yeah. Like that. There we go. You got it. Jim: Five tickets on the windshield... Hey. Pam: Hi. We did it. Jim: You used my move, didn't you? Pam: I used a variation of your move. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [smoking a cigar] There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love. And that is what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today... I think I'm going to be sick... [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Two forms of ID, please. Angela: And now you, two forms of ID, please... Alright, all is in order. I just need your signature... What is it? Dwight: Nothing. Angela: Alright. How would you like to celebrate? Dwight: Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick... [Jim and Pam walk in to their house with the baby] I couldn't find the iPod... Give me a couple days. I'll be out of your hair.

Pam's contractions begin but she is determined to wait it out as long as possible so they can have more time at the hospital, unnerving Jim. Meanwhile the rest of the office tries to distract Pam from the pain with food and entertainment. Michael anxiously waits for Pam and Jim's baby, Cecilia, to be born. Back at the office, Erin makes Andy jealous when she has lunch with Kevin causing Andy to finally ask Erin out. Dwight and Angela draft a contract to have a baby together, but Dwight has mixed feelings after seeing Isabel at Jim and Pam's house when he renovates the couples kitchen.

fd_FRIENDS_04x01

fd_FRIENDS_04x01_0

Joey: (lying on a beach towel, recapping what happened in the last episode) Okay, so we went to the beach, because Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and dad, and I don't really know what happened with that. [cut to Phoebe Sr.'s house, from the last episode] Phoebe Sr.: (to Phoebe) I'm your mother. Phoebe: Ehh? [cut to Monica opening the door of the beach house, with Chandler trying to pick her up for a date.] Joey: (voice-over) Oh, and then Monica joked that she wouldn't go out with a guy like Chandler... Chandler: (to Monica) (in a funny voice) Hi there. (Monica turns her head away in disgust) Joey: (voice-over) ...and he couldn't let it go, and... I don't really know what happened with that either. [cut to a montage of scenes involving Bonnie, Ross, and Rachel from the last episode.] Joey: (voice-over) Oh-oh! And then Ross's new girlfriend, Bonnie, shows up and Rachel convinced her to save her head. And then Ross and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl and I don't know what happened there either... [cut back to Joey on the beach towel] Joey: Y'know what, hold on, let me go get Chandler. (gets up and leaves.) [Scene: The beach house, it's the same scene from the end of last year, with Ross in front of the two doors of Rachel's and Bonnie's rooms, trying to decide which door to choose. He finally chooses the one his right and goes in.] Ross: (surprised) Hi! Rachel and Bonnie: Hi! Bonnie: Rachel was just helping me out. My head got all sunburned. Ross: Awww. Bonnie: (to Rachel) Thanks a million. Rachel: Oh, you're welcome a million. Bonnie: (getting up and leaving) (to Ross) Okay, I'll see you in our room. Ross: Yeah. (closes the door, and goes over and kisses Rachel.) Rachel: (softly) Oh my God. Ross: I know. (They both kiss again and fall onto the bed.) Ross: (stopping suddenly and getting up) Okay, I gotta go. Rachel: Whoa! What?! Why?! Ross: Well, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie. Rachel: Here?! Now?! Ross: Well, yeah. I can't-I can't stay here all night, and if I go in there she's-she's gonna wanna... do stuff. Rachel: Well, can't you tell her that you are not in the mood? Ross: No, she likes that. Yeah. Faking sleep doesn't work either, I can't tell you how many mornings I woke up with her... Rachel: (interrupting) Whoa-ho. Ross: Whoa-oh, okay! Yeah, why am I telling you that? Rachel: I don't know. (they kiss again) Ross: Yeah, yeah. (opens the door) It wasn't every morning. Rachel: Oh, making it worse! Ross: Okay. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Phoebe Sr.'s house, it's right after she told Phoebe that she's her birth mother.] Phoebe Sr.: So I guess you'd like to know how it all happened. Phoebe: I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess y'know I was born, and everyone started lying their asses off! Phoebe Sr.: Noo! No! It wasn't like that I... Remember how I told you how Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were close. Well, we were, we were very close. Phoebe: How close? Phoebe Sr.: Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of umm, a couple. Phoebe: I don't even know how that would work! Phoebe Sr.: Well, we were... Phoebe: (interrupting) I'm not asking! Phoebe Sr.: Well, any how, some how I got pregnant, and, and I was scared. I was stupid and sellfish, and I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what it's like to be eighteen years old? Phoebe: Yeah. Let's see, my had Mom killed herself, and my Dad had run off, and I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand. Phoebe Sr.: Well, I'm so sorry. I thought I was leaving you with the best parents in the world, I didn't even hear about your Mom and Dad til a couple of years ago, and by then you were already grown up. I don't know, you're here, and I would, I would really, I would like to get to know you. Phoebe: Yeah, well, everybody does! I'm a really cool person. And y'know you had 29 years to find that out, but you didn't even try! Y'know what, you walked out on me, and I'm just, I'm gonna do the same thing to you. Phoebe Sr.: Wait! Phoebe: I don't ever want to see you again! (She walks out and slams the door.) Phoebe: (walking back in with her hand over her eyes.) Umm, where's my purse? [Scene: The beach house, Joey and Chandler are sitting at the dinner table, Monica is looking in the fridge.] Monica: (closing the fridge in disgust) Shoot! We're out of soda. Chandler: (jumping up) Oh, I'll go out and get you some. Monica: Really?! Chandler: Nope! Because I'm not your boyfriend. (to Phoebe, who's entering) Hey Pheebs, how did it go? Phoebe: Well, umm, my Mom's friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth Mom. (The gang is shocked.) Chandler: I found a dried up seashores. Monica: Sweety, what are you talking about? Phoebe: Oh, my new Mom, who-who's a big, fat abandoner! (starts to go upstairs) Joey: Whoa, wait, Pheebs, wait a second! Don't you wanna stay here and talk about it? Phoebe: No. I'm just, I wanna, I need to be alone. (She starts to go upstairs.) Phoebe: (turning around, insistently) Monica! Monica: Oh. [Scene: The beach house, Rachel's bedroom. She is finishing up writing something as Ross walks through the door.] Ross: It's over. Rachel: Oh, was it awful? Ross: Well, it was loong. I didn't even realise how late it was, until I noticed the 5 o'clock shadow on her head. (They both start to laugh, then stop themselves quickly.) Anyway, she didn't want to stay. I called a cab; she just left. (They kiss.) Rachel: I wrote you a letter. Ross: Ohh! Thank you! I like mail. (He goes to kiss her again, but she turns away.) Rachel: (handing him the letter) It's just some things I've been thinking about. Some things about us, and before we can even think about the two of us getting back together, I just need to know how you feel about this stuff. Ross: Okay. (He leans in to kiss her again, but she leans back preventing him from making contact.) Wow, it's-it's 5:30 in the morning. (Rachel laughs) So, I'd better get cracking on this baby. Rachel: Well, I'll be waiting for you, just come up when you're done. Ross: Okay, I'll be up in, (looks at the letter) 18 pages. Front and back. Very exciting. [Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Ross is passed out on the kitchen counter. He wakes up with a start and has one of the pages of the letter stuck to his face.] Ross: Oh. (looks at his watch) Oh-oh. (takes a drink of coffee and resumes reading the letter) Rachel: (coming down the stairs) Hey! (Ross jumps up, and quickly puts the letter back together, pretending like he has just finished it.) What happened to you? Why didn't you come up? Ross: Done! Rachel: You just finished? Ross: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this is clearly very, very important to you, to us! And so I wanted to read every word carefully, twice! Rachel: So umm, does it? Ross: I'm sorry. Rachel: Does it? Ross: Does it? Does it? Yeah, I wanted to give that whole 'Does it?' part just another glance. Rachel: What are you talking about, Ross, you just said that you read it twice! Look, y'know what, either it does or it doesn't, and if you have to even think about it... Ross: (interrupting) No, Rach, no. I don't, I don't, I don't have to think about it, in fact, I've decided, I've decided that, that it.......does. (Rachel stands there for a moment, starting to cry. Then gasps and runs over and hugs him. While hugging her, Ross tries to find the 'Does it?' part in the letter.) Rachel: Are you sure? Ross: Oh, sure! I'm sure. Rachel: I know. (Hugs him more violently this time and pushes him back away from the letter.) [Scene: The beach. Chandler and Monica are out getting some sun.] Chandler: All right, there's a nuclear holocaust, I'm the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me? Monica: Ennnh. Chandler: I've got canned goods. Joey: (jumping up in a hole that he is digging, he is shoulder deep) Hey, you guys! Take a look at this! (Chandler and Monica jump up and go over to the hole.) Check this baby out, dug me a hole! Chandler: Excellent hole, Joe. (A wave crashes on the beach and partially fills up his hole.) Joey: Oh no! No!! My hole!! Monica: (screaming in pain) Ow!! Ow!!! Joey: (climbing out of the hole) What?! What?!! What is it?! Monica: Jellyfish sting! Oh, it hurts! It hurts!! It hurts!! Chandler: Well, can we help?! You want us to take you back to the house?! Monica: It's like two miles! Joey: Yeah, and I'm a little tired from digging the hole. Monica: Oh damn the jellyfish. Damn all the jellyfish! Chandler: We've got to do something! Joey: Well, there's really only one thing you can do. Monica: What?! What is it?! Joey: You're gonna have to pee on it. Monica: What?!! Gross!! Joey: Don't blame me, I saw it on The Discovery Channel. Chandler: Y'know what, he's right. There's something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills the pain. Monica: Well forget it! It doesn't hurt that (tries to take a step) baaad!!!! Joey: If you want some privacy you can use my hole. [Scene: The beach house, Phoebe is coming down the stairs all packed and ready to go.] Phoebe: Well, I'm ready to get the hell out of here! (Sees Ross and Rachel cuddling on the couch.) Oh. Are you? Are you?!! (they nod 'Yes.') Ohh! That's so great!! Ooh, not for Bonnie. (they nod 'No.') But for you, yay! Ohh. (The rest of the gang arrives with their heads down in shame.) Ross: Hey! Rachel: How was the beach? Monica: Nothing, I don't know. Ross: What happened? Monica: Nothing. I'm gonna take a shower. Chandler: Me too!! Joey: Me too. Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna put this (her suitcase) in the car. Rachel: Ooh, I have to go pack. (Gets up to do so.) It really does? Ross: It does. It really and truly does. (Rachel kisses him, and goes upstairs. After she's gone, Ross frantically tries to find and read the 'Does it?' part.) Ross: (finding the part) (looks up in disgust) It so does not!!! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler about the letter.] Ross: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I mean she goes on for five pages about, about how I was unfaithful to her! (Both Joey and Chandler shrug their shoulders as to say "Well...") (yelling) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!! Chandler: Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I'm gonna break up with you! Ross: Fine! Fine! But this break-up was not all my fault, and she, she says here, (reading from the letter) "If you accept full responsibility..." (to Chandler and Joey) Full responsibility! "...I can begin to trust you again. Does that seem like something you can do. (yells at Joey) Does it?!!" Joey: No? Chandler: Look, Ross, you have what you want, you're back with Rachel. If you bring this up now you're gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you. Ross: (calming down) Yeah, I know. I mean, no, you're right. Yeah I guess I'll let it go. But you-you understand how-how hard it is to forget about this. Joey: Sure, it's hard to forget! But that doesn't mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that trip that we should never, (to Chandler) ever talk about. Ross: What the hell happened on that beach?! Joey: It's between us and the sea, Ross! (Ross laughs and has a 'Come on...' look on his face as he looks and Chandler who nods his head in agreement with Joey. Ross is stunned.) [Scene: A hallway in an apartment building. Phoebe is knocks on a door and it opens.] Phoebe: (to the person that answered the door) Hi, Ursula. Ursula: Hey! Phoebe: Okay, well umm, I know that we haven't talked in a long time, but umm okay, our Mom is not our birth Mom. This-this other lady is our birth Mom. Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm. Phoebe: (shocked) You know her?! Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Mom's suicide note. Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula nods 'Yes.') Well, do you still have it? Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in Phoebe's face.) Phoebe: I can't believe you didn't tell me there was a suicide note! Ursula: Yeah. So how have you been doing? Phoebe: I, umm, shut up! (Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.) Phoebe: (reading from the note) "Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. I'll miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk." You just wrote this! Ursula: Well, it's pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You read the poem, right? Phoebe: Noooo!! Ursula: All right, hang on! (She takes the note, goes back into her apartment and slams the door shut.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are sitting at the table eating dinner and not talking. Ross and Rachel are outside cuddling on the balcony.] Monica: Pass the cheese, please. (Joey hands her the cheese without looking at her.) Monica: My God, you can't even look at me! Can you? Joey: Nope. [SCENE_BREAK] (Phoebe enters.) Chandler: (jumping up) Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!! Phoebe: No. I'm-I'm to depressed to talk. Chandler: I'll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us. Ross: (coming back in with Rachel) Hey, you guys! What do you, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing? Chandler, Monica, and Joey: NO!!! Rachel: All right, that's it, you guys! What happened out there? Monica: What? We took a walk, nothing happened. I can back with nothing all over me. Ross and Rachel: Come on! Ross: What happened? Joey? Joey: All right. (gets up) Monica: (stopping him) No! Joey, we swore we'd never tell! Chandler: (running over and joining Monica) They'll never understand! Joey: Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! It's eating me alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish. Monica: (interrupting) All right!! All right. (walks slowly into the living room) I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn't stand. I-I couldn't walk. Chandler: (following Monica) We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it. (He goes to put his hands on Monica's shoulders but for some reason can quite complete the action and pulls back.) Monica: I was in too much pain. Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge hole! Chandler: And then Joey remembered something. Joey: I'd seen this thing on The Discovery Channel... Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... (stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?! Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!! Monica: You can't say that!! You-you don't know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn't...bend that way. So... (looks at Joey.) Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!! Joey: That's right I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I'd pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldn't. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler. Chandler: (wails loudly into his hands) Joey kept screaming at me, "Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!" Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming. Joey: (laughs) That's 'cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.] Phoebe: (singing) "...fuchsia and mauvvve. Those are the 66 colours of my bedroommmm." (applause) Thank you, thank you. Ohh, and I invite you to count the colours in your bedroom. (Sees that Phoebe Sr. has entered, and to her) Except for you. You go away. Phoebe Sr.: I'll go in a second, I-I just wanted to tell you that there hasn't been a day where I didn't regret giving you up. Phoebe: Okay, bye. Phoebe Sr.: No, I'm not done. I-I-I just want you to know that I, the reason I didn't look you up was, well I was afraid that you'd react, just well like, the way, the way you're reacting right now, and can't we just, y'know, start from here? Phoebe: No. Phoebe Sr.: Sorry. But just one last thing. Y'know you came looking for family. I'm family, I'm it. Now, now I'm done. (starts to leave) Phoebe: But, it's not like we're losing anything. Y'know? Phoebe Sr.: Yeah, I guess you're right. Phoebe: It's not like we-we know each other or anything. Or that have anything in common. Phoebe Sr.: Well, I don't know. I mean it's not like we don't have anything in common. I mean I like uh, pizza. Phoebe: I-I like pizza! Phoebe Sr.: You do?! Wait, I like umm, the Beetles. Phoebe: Oh my God, so do I! Phoebe Sr.: I knew it, wow!! Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait, wait! Puppies. Cute or ugly? Phoebe Sr.: Ohh, so cute. Phoebe: Uh-huh, well! But umm, still I'm-I'm mad at you. Phoebe Sr.: I know. I'm mad at me too. Phoebe: Well umm, do you wanna get something to eat? I'm kinda hungry. Phoebe Sr.: Hey! Me too! Phoebe: All right, stop it. Now you're just doing it to freak me out. [Scene: Rachel's bedroom. Ross and Rachel have just finished consummating the new relationship.] Rachel: Oh-hooo, I missed you. Ross: I missed you too. Rachel: Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you've grown. Y'know? Ross: (getting miffed) I suppose. Rachel: You have! Ross, you should give yourself credit. I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Ross: (getting angry) Umm-hmm. Rachel: Ooh, I just wish we hadn't lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective... [cut to Monica cleaning the floor in the kitchen] Ross: (yelling from the bedroom) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!! Chandler: (entering with Joey) (to Monica) Coffee house? Monica: You bet. [cut back to Rachel's bedroom with both of them hurriedly getting dressed] Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!! Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!! Ross: I didn't know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn't finish the whole letter! Rachel: What?!! Ross: I fell asleep! Rachel: You fell asleep?! Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means 'you are,' Y-O-U-R means 'your!' Rachel: Y'know I can't believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!! Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it) Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!! Monica: Hey!! Rachel: (to Monica) Sorry!! (to Ross) I just feel bad about all that sleep you're gonna miss wishing you were with me! Ross: Oh, no-no-no don't you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter!!! Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it's not that common! It doesn't happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!! Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!! CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are playing cards at the dinner table.] Monica: (sets down some cards) Gin. Chandler: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked. Monica: Will you stop! Chandler: Okay. All right. Monica: Okay, all right, I think you're great, I think you're sweet, and you're smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me.

Ross breaks up with Bonnie and gets back with Rachel, though she insists he first read her 18-page (front and back) letter discussing their relationship and insisting he take full responsibility for their break-up. Ross reluctantly agrees, suppressing his anger. Joey and Chandler come to Monica's rescue after she is stung by a jellyfish--one of them has to pee on her leg to relieve the pain. Phoebe goes to see her sister, Ursula, who reveals she already knows about their birth mother. Ross and Rachel break up again after Ross refuses to take all the blame for their previous problems and insists they were "on a break".

fd_Scandal_01x07

fd_Scandal_01x07_0

GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Quinn: Okay, not only are you super cute and have a great address; but you have literally the nicest people working in your bagel shop that I have ever-- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, god. Ohh. I-I Ohh. Ohh. Oh, god. Ohh. Oh, g-- You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine. You're--you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine. I'm gonna get help. Hold on. Just hold on. Hold on. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be- [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - FRONT GATES Morris: Morning again, Mr. Chambers. You've been a busy man. I signed you in two hours ago. Most people are just prying their eyelids open, And you've already been out causing trouble. Billy: Right. Have a good one. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - BILLY CHAMBER'S OFFICE Aide: You have a 9:30 with the legislative affairs team to discuss the Gulf Coast Initiative. The advance briefing is on your desk, and then at 10:00, the Vice President would like you to join her For the prayer breakfast, and then-- [SCENE_BREAK] GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Olivia: Quinn? Quinn: Thank you. Thank you for coming. I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry. I didn't know. I'm sorry. I was gonna call 9-1-1, And then he- Olivia: Quinn, who else have you called? Quinn: You. Just you, because whoever k-killed Gideon, he's out there. We should call the police. We should. The police have to be called. Olivia: Quinn, we can't call the police. Quinn: Why, why, why, why, why? He's dead. When someone's dead, you call the police. Olivia: You and I both know why we can't call the police. Quinn: What? He's dead. Why can't we? We have to. Why? Olivia: Because if we call the police, they'll find out who you really are. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Fitz: Cyrus. Cyrus: James wants to adopt an Ethiopian baby. Fitz: That's good. Cyrus: It is. It is good, but I've been fighting him on it, been making all sorts of excuses about why it's not a good idea. I'm not a young man. I work crazy hours. Once you have a kid, your life's no longer your own. The usual suspects. The whole thing was off the table; at least until last night. Fitz: Last night? Cyrus: Yeah, last night, when I went looking for the President of the United States and found out that he was at his girlfriend's house. Fitz: Here it comes. Cyrus the Holy. Cyrus: You tell me to go to war with Olivia Pope, then you spend the night with her?! Are you out of your mind? What did you do, throw pebbles at her window? Hide under her bed while her mom and dad came by her room, said good night? Fitz: All right. That's enough. Cyrus: Why did you even run for this job, to get laid? You couldn't get laid as Governor? Fitz: Get out of my office. Cyrus: What you did last night was stupid and reckless! You want to know what I gave up to put you here in this office, what I've done for you, the ends that I've gone to? If you had any idea-- Fitz: I am so sick of you saying you PUT me in the White House. I got myself elected. I put myself in the White House. Cyrus: You were a flyboy with a good head of hair and a pushy dad. Fitz: I'm sorry if the girl that you hired; the girl you mentored; the girl you brought in to save the day; your girl; fell in love with me. That must really eat at you, Cy. Cyrus: You don't deserve this job. Fitz: And yet here I am! Aide: Sorry to interrupt, Mr. President. It's the cult situation in Georgia. Three ATF agents were just shot near the compound. [SCENE_BREAK] GIDEON WALLACE'S APARTMENT Olivia: She's our client. Harrison: We barely know her. Stephen: No, she's an employee. Harrison: Who we barely know. Olivia: And now she's our client. Abby: There is a dead reporter on the floor. Can we have this conversation someplace else? Harrison: I don't know why we're not calling it in. I'll dial 9-1-1 right now. Olivia: We can't do that. Stephen: Why not? Olivia: I'm gonna have to ask you to not move. Quinn: Huh? Huck: You're leaving footprints. Olivia: If we call the police, there's gonna be a problem for Quinn. Harrison: What? Abby: What problem? Olivia: She can't be photographed, booked, or fingerprinted in any official capacity. She cannot be connected to the crime scene in any way. Stephen: Why not? Olivia: Her name isn't actually Quinn Perkins. Stephen: What? Abby: Who the hell is she? Olivia: She's our client. That's who she is. That's all I need to tell you. That's all you need to know. She's our client, and she needs our help. Abby: What are we supposed to do? She's covered in blood. Her fingerprints are everywhere. How do you think we're getting her out of here? Huck: I'm gonna want hands covered. Stephen: No way! I am an Officer of the Court. So is Harrison. So is Abby. So is Liv. Abby: Okay, if we're doing this we're destroying all the evidence. You realize what this means, Liv? Harrison: I've been to prison, and I'm not going back. Huck: You were in prison for three days. Harrison: It was prison! Who are you? Olivia: No! Do not. She's our client. Abby: I don't-- Olivia: Hey! No moving. We can't leave her here. Stephen: Okay, I'm gonna want you to say it, because once you say this, there's no going back. The police will never be able to find Gideon's killer. His murder never gets solved. Olivia: We clean it. Abby: Take 'em or leave 'em? Huck: Did you touch them? Quinn: What? Huck: Did you touch the scissors? Quinn: I pulled them out of his neck. Huck: Take 'em. Quinn: What's happening? Harrison: I think they had s*x. Quinn: What's happening? Olivia: Did you sleep with Gideon last night? Quinn: What's happening? Olivia: If you did, your DNA could be on the sheets. We'll need to take them. Did you? Quinn: I don't understand. Harrison: I found some clothes. I think they'll fit. Olivia: I'm gonna need you to change the clothes that you're wearing. Stephen: There's some research here about Amanda Tanner. A laptop computer. We should take it. Quinn: What? Olivia: You'll need to remove your clothes. Abby: Judging by lividity, he's been dead less than two hours. Huck: They had s*x and ate grilled cheese. I bagged that, too. Quinn: Can someone-- Harrison: Your clothes-- they're covered in blood. Your shoes, too. I'm gonna need you to take 'em off. Put on this t-shirt and sweatpants. Quinn: Uh Olivia: No moving! Right here. Quinn: What? Olivia: Quinn, I'm sorry, but-- Huck: Please do not spread your DNA any further. Just change right here. Quinn: I don't--I don't understand. Harrison: Look, you have to change, and it has to be now, okay? You're the client. No one's looking. Quinn: These are-- Harrison: Gideon's clothes. I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to put 'em on. Olivia: We ready? Huck: We're good. Olivia: We sure? Huck: We're good. Quinn: What's happening? Stephen: We're cleaning the scene. You were never here. Let's go. Quinn: But we can't just leave him here like that on the floor by himself. We can't j-- Stephen: Do you know what we just did for you?! Do you know what's happening, what this could do to us?! Quinn: He'll be all alone. Operator: 9-1-1? Olivia: Hello. I'm at 2950 prospect street. I'd like to report a murder. Operator: What? Olivia: A murder. Huck: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Olivia: What? Huck: Did anybody get his cell phone? Olivia: What? Olivia: His cell phone. Anybody find it? Stephen: We don't need to-- Huck: We need it! Olivia: I already called the police. We have maybe eight minutes before they arrive on the scene. Huck: He's 202 Quinn? Quinn: Uh, 555-0196. Abby: Where is it? Stephen: We're running out of time. Harrison: I got it. It's there. It's in his pocket. Abby: Get it. Harrison: I'm not getting it! Abby: Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - SALLY LANGSTON'S OFFICE Billy: For you, when you get the chance. Sally: Mm. Well, aren't you going to join us for prayer breakfast? Billy: No, I've got a full plate this morning. Mention me in your prayers, though. I'll take all I can get. Sally: Everything okay today, Billy? Billy: Well, why wouldn't it be? I've got the greatest job in the world! Giving a voice to people who don't have one, people who depend on us every day to make this country better for them. We're blessed to be doing what we're doing. Sally: Someone give this man a raise and a pulpit. Billy: Working for you has been reward enough, Madam President. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: All right. Gideon Wallace. What do we know? Abby: The last couple of weeks, he's been working on a story About Amanda Tanner. Harrison: Obviously he got too close to something, got a pair of scissors in the neck for his trouble. Olivia: He figured out who sent her to sleep with the President. Abby: Somebody sent Amanda in to sleep with the President? How do we know that part? Stephen: We just do. Olivia: But how do we just do? Stephen: I don't think it's important. Let's move on. Huck: Gideon made 28 phone calls last night, All D.C. and Virginia area codes. The last call was to the White House switchboard. Harrison: So he was trying to call one of these people. Stephen: "Boyfriend lives in Logan Circle?" Amanda had a boyfriend? Abby: Who works at the White House. Olivia: That's our guy. What about his laptop? Huck: He was on it most of the night looking at video. It's gonna take me a few hours to go through it all. Olivia: Abby and Stephen, call every number on that pad. Harrison, follow up on the addresses. Quinn: I can help. I'd rather be doing something, anything. Let me help. Olivia: You can help by sitting on that chair and not moving. You're the client, Quinn. Let us do our job. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM Marvin: At 9:30 this morning, gunfire erupted outside the Heaven's Rapture compound in Hacklene, Georgia. Three ATF agents were wounded, though I can confirm that they're now in stable condition. Crowd: Inaudible questions Marvin: Come on. Come on. Come on. Folks, please. Please. One at a time. It's been a long morning. Yes. Reporter: What course of action can we expect from the President? Billy: It's a crazy world we live in, Ted. Ted: What? Billy: You're gonna want to get this next part loud and clear. Marvin: ... which include Vice President Langston and Attorney General Sawyer, are determined not to use force. Billy: Excuse me. Marvin: That doesn't mean they're not going to, and as to further details ... I can't tell you anything new. Billy: Excuse me. Excuse me. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - SITUATION ROOM Woman: We have a couple of options here. If we go in through the back of the compound, that will give us the easiest access To the schoolhouse building. Our satellite images confirm that the adjacent armory ws accessible through an unarmed rooftop doorway. Sally: Holy crap. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM Marvin: The President is determined not to use an--Billy? Billy: Sorry about your morning, Marv. It's about to get longer. Good morning, everyone. My name is William David Chambers, And for the past 14 months, I've had the great honor To serve Vice President Sally Langston as her chief of staff, so it is with deep sadness and regret that I will resign my position officially, effective immediately. Now I've prayed long and hard for a solution to the painful situation I find myself in, but ... but I've come up short. Now the Bible tells us, "A false witness will not go unpunished. And he who pours out lies will perish." So I will take what little solace I can this morning by simply telling the truth. And the truth is this: I had an affair with a White House Aide named Amanda Tanner. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: Gideon had it narrowed down to 57 male employees in the West Wing Quinn: He's on tv right now. Olivia: I want blood types on everyone. If we cross-match them to the coroner's report-- Harrison: Find Amanda's baby daddy, and Gideon's murderer. Quinn: He's on tv right now. Harrison: (whistles) It's a twofer. Quinn: HE'S ON TV RIGHT NOW! [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM Bill: Amanda and I met on the campaign trail two years ago. Uh, we fell in love, and when I learned that she was carrying our child, I planned to propose. So you can imagine my shock and horror when I learned that the President of the United States was abusing his power and privilege to take sexual advantage of Ms. Tanner; when I learned that she killed herself only weeks after sleeping with the President; and when I ... when I found an explicit audiotape that Amanda had made of her sexual encounter in the Oval Office with the President of the United States. If you have any questions, I'd be happy to take them. Reporter 1: Have you spoken to Ms. Tanner's family? Billy: I haven't, but, uh, obviously, my thoughts and prayers are with them and have been all along. Reporter 2: Where did you find the tape? Reporter 3: What does it have on it exactly? Billy: Please guys, one at a time. Reporter 4: Did Amanda Tanner tell you she was seeing the President? Billy: She did. She was very upset about it. She came- [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE SITUATION ROOM Staffer: Red team will take the lead ... Cyrus: (whispers indistinctly) Staffer: ... they will secure all of the children in the compound first, prior to the arrival Of the blue team and intelligence-- [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE EAST WING Mellie: Now what's interesting is, Lincoln never actually ... TV: Have you had a chance to talk with the president? Mellie: ... slept in the Lincoln bedroom. TV (Billy): No, I haven't. I-I don't think the President cares to speak with me right now but uh, if he ever should, the doors always open. TV (Reporter): How did you find the President's s*x tape? TV (Billy): I discovered it among Amanda's personal effects. TV (Reporter): So, Billy, you've heard the tape yourself? TV (Billy): Unfortunately, yes. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM Billy: Look When you hear the tape, and I-I can promise that you will, I think you will all agree that it is unmistakably President Grant. Reporter: Do you feel the public has a right to hear what's on that tape? Cyrus: You get him down. I don't care how you do it. Why is he still talking? Marvin: All due respect, sir, we need to consider the optics here. Cyrus: Oh, no. Go. Marvin: Forcibly removing the Vice President's Chief of Staff from the press podium is just gonna legitimize ... Cyrus: I want him down now. Marvin: Whatever this-- Cyrus: Now! Now! Billy: Everyone, it looks like That's all the time I have. Marvin: It's been a morning ... Cyrus: You're fired, Marvin. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES TV: ... And it was just minutes ago, Former Vice President Chief of Staff Billy Chambers leveled some truly shocking charges against President Grant. TV (Billy): The President of the United States was abusing his power to take sexual advantage of Ms. Tanner. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE RESIDENCE Mellie: You are letting Billy Chambers run roughshod over everything we've spent the past 15 years working for! Fitz: I am not! I am trying to figure out what to do! The best thing, the best way to-- Mellie: Get out there and tell them you didn't do it! Right now. Walk outside. Tell the press you never touched her, you don't even know which girl they're talking about. Fitz: That would be a lie. Mellie: Then lie! Fitz: I can't. Mellie: Why the hell not? Fitz: Because I'm not you, Mellie. The American people put their trust in me. I've already let them down. I'm not willing to lie to them on top of it. Mellie: Ohh. You don't want to save yourself, fine. You're on your own! [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE FRONT GATES Morris: It's about time they brought you in. They need the big guns on this one. Olivia: But I can't make any promises. Morris: Hey, in all my years here, he's the only President who's made a point to ask about my wife and kids. You do your best, Ms. Pope. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE LAWN Reporter: All right, guys. Let's go. Reporter: Okay, let's go back and take it from the top. Reporter: All right, Henry. We're going live. Reporter 1: Only deafening silence from the White House in response to the allegations. Reporter 2: Details are starting to emerge about Amanda Tanner ... Reporter 3: While the female voice on the tape can't be determined at this time, we can clearly hear the President saying the words "take off your clothes." [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE Cyrus: You know, in Vegas you can bet on political candidates. Before I brought you on board, the odds on Grant for President were listed at 70 to 1. Olivia: You should have put money down. You didn't. Cyrus: Won enough for a nice vacation I'll never take. Think we could do it again, The impossible? Olivia: Or we go down trying. Olivia: You publish President Grant's political obituary, and you will eat those words for the rest of your days, Tom. Cyrus: I'm just asking you to keep the damn caucuses at bay until I get you talking points. Olivia: Well, that's why! You should wait for the whole story. Do you want to owe your readers an entire apology? Fitz: Everyone. Olivia: No, it happens. Cyrus: Yeah. No. There are a lot of-- Fitz: Everyone! Olivia: Hold on. Fitz: I need the room. Cyrus, Olivia, stay. Olivia: I'm gonna need to call you back, Tom. But you are to make no decisions without talking to me first. Clear? Got it? Thank you. Cyrus: I have to call you back. Fitz: Catch me up. Oliva: Billy's making the rounds. Networks are wall-to-wall with this. Majors broke into daytime and trotted out the big guns. We need a statement from you, on camera, preferably with Mellie by your side. Fitz: That ship's sailed. She's taking the kids to Santa Barbara for ... a while. Cyrus: Fine. You alone from the Oval. A flat denial. Fitz: I'm not lying about this, Cy. Anyway, a cover-up's always worse than the truth. Olivia: Well, we don't have enough truth yet. There's more to this story. I'm sending you to Georgia. Milk the end of the cult standoff. It will buy us some time. Cyrus: He'll look like he's running from this. Olivia: He'll look Presidential. We need you business as usual, focused on what's important for the country. Wave as you walk out to Marine One. Remember, you're not dodging; you're working. We'll let that image speak for us until we figure out what Billy's up to. Cyrus: Yeah. Fitz: I never thought it would be one of our own trying to sink us. [SCENE_BREAK] D.C. TV STUDIO Billy: Look, I can speculate all day long as to why the most powerful man in the world would want to throw it all away for some tawdry affair, but I think we should let President Grant speak for himself. Reporter: Here it is, folks. Your President. Tape (Fitz): Take off your clothes. [SCENE_BREAK] OUTSIDE HEAVEN'S RAPTURE COMPOUND; HACKLENE, GA Reporter: Mr. President. Did you have sexual relations with Amanda Tanner? Reporter: Was Mellie aware of the affair? Reporter: Is Billy Chambers telling the truth? Fitz: We've been focused on protecting the innocent children caught In the middle of this terrible ordeal. Thankfully, no lives were lost. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Olivia: No President has done more to put women at the forefront of his administration. Cyrus: Oh, okay. Yeah. Like hell you will, Senator. Olivia: Your organization endorsed him in the election ... Cyrus: Okay, fine. We can switch from frenemies to enemies. I'm flexible ... Olivia: ... and I need you to stand firm. Yes! Cyrus: ... I'm easy, you stupid, ungrateful son of a bitch. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Cyrus: How bad? Olivia: Internal flash poll has us down 25-28 approval with 67% answering "Yes" to the question of whether the President should resign. Cyrus: We gotta rein this in. Olivia: There's only one person that may be capable of that right now. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - COURTYARD Sally: So you think Billy Chambers is the problem, and I'm somehow the solution? Fitz: Let's not be coy with one another, Sally. Billy's your boy. Are you really saying you had-- Sally: No idea. Absolutely not. You saw me when I read that letter. I was as shocked as you were, Mr. President. Now whatever menage a trois you and Billy Chambers have got going on with that poor dead girl, I have nothing to do with and I want nothing to do with. Now I offer to keep you both in my prayers, and remain a humble servant to both God and my President. In that order. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Harrison: Finger Billy for Gideon's murder, his whole story unravels. It all goes away. Stephen: You save the Presidency. Huck: And get justice for Amanda Tanner. Abby: There's no security camera in Gideon's building. I checked his neighbors, the local shops. Nobody places Billy Chambers at the scene. Harrison: And all physical evidence of the crime is gone, thanks to us. Abby: We should know what we're doing this for. Protecting no-name in there. Harrison: Shh. Abby: Come on. I know that she just lost her boyfriend, but the girl could be a serial killer, and we're breaking the law for her. We broke the law for her. Huck: Olivia hired her. Olivia knows who she is. That makes her worth protecting. David: Hi, guys. Whatcha doin'? You all look like you've got your thinking caps on. Wouldn't be about that crime scene you cleaned up, would it? Stephen: You can't just barge in here without a warrant. David: And you can't just steal evidence, so let's just call it even. Abby: What are you talking about? David: Where's Quinn Perkins? A neighbor saw her going into Gideon Wallace's place the night he was killed. Is that why you cleaned up the scene? His personal items were all gone. A little odd to find a journalist without a Blackberry glued to his hand, even a dead one. Okay, I just need to make a quick (cell phone ringing) ... You need to turn off the ringer when you steal a phone. Detective Marsh, find that phone. Take it into evidence. Detective: Okay. David: This is fun. What's Quinn's number? Quinn: I'm right here. Stephen: Give Harrison a dollar. Quinn: What? Stephen: Just do it. He's now your lawyer. You don't have to tell them anything. Harrison: We do this in your office, not downtown. No booking. David: Fine with me. Let's go. Quinn: No fingerprints, right? Harrison: No fingerprints. [SCENE_BREAK] MENS BATHROOM Billy: I'm surprised you made it through all the press out there. I've lost count of how many interviews I've given over the last few days. I know you didn't come in here to use the men's room. You might as well say it. Olivia: You're a murderer. Billy: I am not proud of that. Hell, I-I didn't think I'd get away with it. I didn't hear from the police, so I asked around and heard that they didn't find a single fingerprint, not even the murder weapon. Some angel cleaned up the crime scene. Olivia: What the hell happened to you? Billy: Look, I know what I did, okay? I made a mistake. A big one, and I'm gonna be judged for it. But he should be judged for what he's done, too. He took advantage of that girl, of you. He took advantage of the whole damn country. He betrayed the very people who elected him. Good, honest, God-fearing people elected that man to office, and he promised things to us! And he didn't deliver on any of it. I mean, come on, Liv, the whole country's going off the rails. Olivia: I don't think that defense is gonna work in court, Billy. Billy: By the time I'm in jail, Sally Langston will be President. And she is going to be the finest President this country has ever known, and that's all that matters. I got Chris Matthews waiting. [SCENE_BREAK] US DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S OFFICE David: Why don't you start by telling me how you know Gideon Wallace? Harrison: You don't have to answer that. David: All right. Why were you at Gideon Wallace's apartment? Harrison: You don't have to answer that. David: Okay, fine. We'll start with the basics. Quinn, state your name for the record. Harrison: You don't have to answer that. David: Here I thought your boss was the biggest pain in the ass in D.C. Speak of the devil. Olivia: David, new shirt? I like it. David: What the hell's going on, Liv? Harrison: You don't have to answer that. Olivia: Yeah, I do. David: So the Vice President's Chief of Staff convinced Amanda Tanner to seduce the President of the United States ... Olivia: Yes. David: And then he abducted her from your apartment and killed her when she wouldn't go through with the intense media scrutiny her accusations would bring, dumping her body in the river for my people to find? Olivia: Well, he contracted out, but, yes, Billy had her killed. David: He then went on to murder a reporter who was presumably quite close to figuring out what he was up to? Olivia: Yes. David: A reporter who was also sleeping with one of your employees, whose presence at the crime scene your associates erased all evidence of, thereby rendering the first-degree murder Of an innocent 29-year-old man all but unsolvable. Olivia: Yes. David: Well, I did say I wanted to know. Olivia: David, I know this is crazy. David: I believe you, oddly enough. Olivia: Then help me. Put on your white hat and go after Billy Chambers with whatever you think you can make stick. He's a murderer, so do some digging. Find some evidence. Make some evidence. Give him a parking ticket. Whatever it takes to get him down here. Get some justice for Amanda Tanner and Gideon Wallace, please. David: No. Olivia: No? David: I am the law, the law is me, and I might bend it from time to time, but I don't break it for you or anyone else. Olivia: But you said you believed me. David: I do, and if you had left me any evidence to build a case against Billy Chambers, that's what I'd be doing. But you broke the law, so get out of my office before I have you arrested for tampering with a crime scene. Quinn Perkins is a material witness to a murder, and as such, she stays with me. The law, Olivia. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Fitz: What do we do? What's next? Olivia: I get up there and say it's me on the tape. Cyrus: That's ridiculous. What-- what does that even do for us? Olivia: He's not tied to a girl's suicide. It's not perfect, but it takes care of the impeachment problem. Cyrus: Oh, wonderful, so now we've got a slutty President problem? He slept with two women. I'm sorry. I just ... Maybe there's another option we're not seeing here. Fitz: There is. I could resign. We all know how this goes. The prosecutor is appointed. Every single person in the west wing is deposed. This thing is a circus that's gonna go on For the next three years. I'll wear it around my neck Until the end of my term. My hands will be tied. I'll be lucky if I can get a parks and rec bill passed. Let's put the country out of its misery, end it now. Cyrus: And then what? Fitz: We go be regular people, Cy. Cyrus: You can't be a regular person. We--we can't. We're not ... I ... I can't adopt a baby! Olivia: I'm so sorry. Fitz: I'm not. I'm not. A man who isn't President has options. A man who isn't President can divorce his wife. Olivia: Fitz. Fitz: A man who isn't President can have a life. The life he wants, the life he's always wanted with the woman he loves. Olivia: The cameras. Fitz: I don't care. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - HALLWAY Cyrus: Of all the paintings in the White House this one is my favorite. Alexander Hamilton-- as brilliant a political thinker as any man or woman who has ever walked these halls, but he wasn't the President. Washington was the President. He was the winner, but Hamilton could pick a winner. He knew who the country needed when they needed it. I don't doubt that he could do it. Live the normal life he's always wanted-- walk the dog, mow the lawn-- a simple life, a happy life. For most people, that's fine. It's all they need. For him, it's a waste of talent, of potential. That man was born to be a leader. He was born to do this. Anything less would diminish him and deprive this country. He can talk all he wants about a regular life. Some men aren't meant to be happy. They're meant to be great. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Stephen: I got this. Stephen: I've been screwing around on Georgia. I don't want to lie anymore. I'm gonna tell her the truth, and then she'll break off the engagement. I tried, Liv. I leapt. You said if I tried and failed, tt was not on me. You were wrong. I cheated. It is on me. And it's on you, too. It's always on you. You can't do this. You can't have him. Olivia: Normal is overrated. Olivia: Abby, Stephen, dust off my campaign file for Sally Langston. We need ammunition-- big, small, anything you can find. Dig deep and dig fast. Huck, I need the First Lady's schedule for the next 12 hours. I'm gonna need to see her alone. Find me a window. Harrison, check back with Quinn. Make sure David's behaving himself. Huck: Liv. Billy Chambers-- I can take care of that. Olivia: Take care of? Huck: If you want me to, it's no problem. Olivia: Huck, I do not want you to kill Billy Chambers. Huck: Okay, that's cool. Whatever. Olivia: Promise me. Huck: I promise. Olivia: Say, "I promise not to kill Billy Chambers." Huck: I promise not to kill Billy Chambers. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - RESIDENCE Mellie: I'm gonna need to talk to the nanny. She can fly the kids out once a month until school is out in D.C. I also need you to call ahead and make sure both the main house and the beach cottage are ready. I'll be spending at least some of the weekends at the cottage. Tom: Ma'am, you have a visitor. Mellie: Thank you. Olivia: He's talking about resigning. Mellie: You must love that. Olivia: This isn't about me. Mellie: Really? Seems like my whole marriage is about you. Olivia: Mellie, he can't resign. I'm sure we can make some kind of deal. Mellie: I try to be pleasant. I try to be ... I'm the First Lady. There are sacrifices. There's a price. And for a time, that was fine. You and I wanted the same thing-- Fitz in the Oval. We were on the same team, you and I, and everything was fine. I just don't understand what happened. Olivia: What happened? Mellie: You let that girl get into his pants! You left the team, Liv! You fell down on the job! You broke his heart, And you left him open and vulnerable and helpless! And that is how that snake Billy Chambers got that shiny red Amanda apple right into Fitz's hand. I do my job. I smile, and I push him, and I make sure he has what he needs. I do my job. Why couldn't you do yours? You want to deal? Fine. Let's deal. For starters, I'm gonna need to take my husband back, because clearly I have to do everything myself from now on. [SCENE_BREAK] WASHINGTON D.C. PARK Huck: Ahem. Charlie: I'm going to New Mexico. I am, I promise. It's just my car's in the shop. It's getting a tune-up. Huck: You can't go just yet. Charlie: I gave you the girl. That was the deal. Huck: That wasn't a deal. I tortured it out of you, but thank you. Very helpful. Huck: The guy who hired you-- Billy Chambers-- He's talking an awful lot. Right now it's just about the White House, but at some point, he may talk about you. Charlie: He can talk all he wants. He-- he didn't hire me for that job. Huck: You see, Charlie, you're honorable. You would never give up Billy, but Billy may not be as honorable. Charlie: Why don't you do it? Huck: I can't. I gave my word. Oh, and we're gonna need a suicide note. Something sad, that says he's a liar. Charlie: And then you'll leave me alone? Huck: Yeah. on a personal note, I think it would be a big boost for your confidence. I can tell that's taken a bit of a hit since I last saw you. [SCENE_BREAK] US ATTORNEY'S OFFICE Quinn: I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present. David: You need his permission to eat? You must be hungry. Quinn: Hot. David: Turns out I don't even need to question you anymore. Olivia told me everything-- Amanda, Billy Chambers, the whole shebang. Quinn: So, why am I still here? David: Because there's one thing she didn't tell me. Why? Quinn: Why? David: Why you called Olivia and not the police? Why her people would clean up a crime scene they obviously want to be investigated? Why everyone, and I do mean everyone, seems to be so invested in making sure Quinn Perkins has nothing to do with any of this? I need to know what's really going on, so you can tell me what would happen if I sent you down to booking; or I can take the prints from this fork, and we can just go ahead and find out. It's your choice. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - RESIDENCE Fitz: I thought you left for Santa Barbara. Mellie: I was on my way, but Olivia convinced me I was needed here. We've come up with what we feel is A solid plan of counterattack in the media. Oh, and we also figured out who the woman on the tape is. Fitz: Oh? Mellie: It was me. At least, that's what we'll tell "20/20" when they arrive to interview us in about ... What time did you set that up for again, Liv? Olivia: 5:30. We have about an hour. Mellie: Mm, and when I tell them it was you and me on the tape, I will also share my outrage about the replaying of our private moment in such a public, reckless, and irresponsible manner by the gossip-hungry, left-leaning, mainstream media. And how upsetting its been for our family, especially at such a fragile time, given that I'm newly pregnant. Liv suggested we remain vague on the exact timing. It's none of their business. Plus, that gives us a few weeks' buffer to actually get pregnant. We'll have to start trying right away, of course. Fitz: Of course. Mellie: Well, Olivia can fill you in on the details. Like I always say, if you've got a problem, get Olivia Pope on it. You could look a little happier, honey. We did just save your Presidency. Well I'm off to hair and makeup. Fitz: This is insane. We are not doing this. Olivia: It's the only way. Fitz: What are you thinking? Who are you right now? Olivia: The woman who got you elected. So go be the man I voted for. Aide: You're all set, sir. Fitz: Thanks. You can put this one at the top of your resume. Truly a masterpiece. The one interview that fixed it all. Olivia: Not all of it is fixed. There's still Billy Chambers' credibility, but this should take care of that. It's Cyrusapproved. Cyrus: We're ready for you, Mr. President. Olivia: Lean forward during the denials of the affair. Keep your eyes on Mellie when she's talking. Fitz: I know how to fake it with my wife. You taught me well. [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE GATES TV (Mellie): I was outraged. How could someone do that? Morris: Ms. Pope, you did it again. Olivia: The President has a great team. Morris: Nah. Don't give me that. Listen, I don't exactly know what you do or how you do it, but when you walk through these gates, things start happening. The press starts falling in line, the Secret Service gets extra secret, and the problems - they just kinda disappear. And when you go back out, everyone's breathing a little bit easier. Olivia: Good night, Morris. TV (Fitz): This has been very difficult for us; for the whole country. The best thing for everyone would be if we can move past this painful distraction and focus on the issues that really matter, don't you agree? [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Sally: I saw the interview. I thought that you and the First Lady were very polished in the face of all that, very poised. Fitz: Thanks for coming, Sally. Have a seat. Sally: I thought she handled herself beautifully. Difficult situation for her, I'm sure, having to listen to ... Well I can't even imagine. May I speak candidly, sir? Fitz: Why stop now? Sally: I don't think it's gonna be enough. I think it's wonderful the First Lady is standing by you, but I don't think The American people are gonna be so quick to follow in Mellie's lead. Fitz: And that's exactly why I need you to show them the way, Sally. Sally: Sir? Fitz: I want you to hold a press conference tomorrow. I want you to express your shock and dismay over the actions of Billy Chambers. I want you to condemn his allegations as baseless and false. And I want you to tell the nation that you support your President. Sally: Well, now I'm just afraid that dog won't hunt. Fitz: We need to think about what's best for the country. About the stability of our economy. We have a duty that goes beyond our ideological differences. Focusing on my s*x life is bad for the nation. It's bad for the White House, and it's bad for you. Our first female President ought to be elected by the will of the people, not by some ugly back-door political agenda. Sally: Mr. President, I have based my whole career, my whole public life, on my values. Strong, conservative, Christian values. And I know that might seem naive to you and your Ivy League crowd, I know what you say about me behind closed doors, but those are my beliefs. They are not accessories I put on to win votes. So if you think you can treat me like some religious lunatic sideshow act who will drop everything she believes for political expediency, you have gravely misjudged me. Fitz: You know what? I think I have. Now how old was your Cassidy last spring? 14, 13? They grow up so fast. Anyway, we know she wasn't 18, because Georgia requires parental notification for a minor to obtain an abortion. That must have been awful, for you and Dan to get that call. It brings to mind the Gospel of John. Something about he who is without sin casting the first rock. Or stone. I don't know. You know it better than I do. Thanks, Sally. That will be all. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES TV (Sally): It's sad, Matt. You work with someone for years, you think you know the kind of man they are. Billy Chambers is just a huge disappointment. If I had any inkling that the man that worked by my side for all these years ... Well God's honest truth, I would have done everything in my power to send him away, to send him away from my house ... [SCENE_BREAK] BILLY CHAMBERS' APARTMENT BUILDING LOBBY Billy: Where's all the press today, George? Are they sleeping in? TV (Sally): ... From my precious family. I just think that the man is sick in the head, and I just pray that Billy gets the help that he needs. Because these malicious lies he's been spreading-- They're ridiculous. Well, I just thank God that we have a leader like President Grant to take us through this difficult and trying time. I believe that this country was founded on truth and justice and plain old fairness. Charlie: Oh, oh! Hold the elevator. Oh. There you go. Billy: What floor? Charlie: Oh, you first. [SCENE_BREAK] CYRUS AND JAMES' HOUSE James: Is there a war going on, Cy? Cyrus: There's always a war in the world, James. You know that. James: Fine, but you said the latest one, the bad one, the nuclear one? The one that's taken you away every single weekend for the past month, is over. Cyrus: It is. It's finally over. James: Then why is your work colleague at our front door on Sunday morning? I will send him back here. Cyrus: I'll make it up to you. I promise. James: I want a baby, a fat, drooling, smushy baby. Cyrus: Let's start with dinner and a movie. James: A baby, Cy. I mean it. A fat one! Charlie: Sorry to bother you on a Sunday. Cyrus: Now, Charlie, I thought I was clear. You know the rules. Charlie: I do. I know. I'm, uh, you have been very clear, and normally I wouldn't come by the house like this. It's just, uh, I have to leave town, so you're gonna need to wire the rest of the money for the girl. Amanda. Cyrus: Fine. You'll have it tomorrow. Charlie: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES David: I ran her prints. Don't worry. I did it myself, which is a good thing, because otherwise there would be about half a dozen US Agencies looking for her. I'm breaking the law bringing her here. I don't break the law, Olivia. Olivia: Do you want to tell them who you are, or should I?

OPA rushes to help Quinn when she finds herself in Gideon's apartment next to his body. They decide to clean up the crime scene in order to avoid exposing Quinn to the law. A reluctant Cyrus must turn to Olivia when Billy Chambers makes a public announcement that he had a relationship with Amanda Tanner and that the president took advantage of her, and because of it he resigns. Cyrus, Fitz and Olivia discuss how to move forward, and Fitz suggests that he resign as well. He tells Olivia that if he isn't president they can be together.

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_01x04

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_01x04_0

Scene: Sheldon and Leonard's apartment. Sheldon: I've been thinking about time travel again. Leonard: Why, did you hit a roadblock with invisibility? Sheldon: Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine, I'd just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place. Leonard: Interesting. Sheldon: Yeah, it really takes the pressure off. Leonard: Sounds like a breakthrough, should I call the science magazines and tell them to hold the front cover? (Exiting the apartment.) Sheldon: It's time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that. Leonard: Then I guess congratulations are in order. Sheldon: No, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I'm not going to enjoy this party. Leonard: I know, I'm familiar with you. Sheldon: At the last department party, Dr Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes. Leonard: Yes, I was there. Sheldon: You know what's interesting about caves, Leonard? Leonard: What? Sheldon: Nothing. Leonard: Well then we'll avoid Finkleday, we'll meet the new department head, congratulate him, shake his hand and go. Sheldon: How's this? Pleased to meet you, Dr Gablehouser. How fortunate for you that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you've done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo. Leonard: Mahalo's a nice touch. Sheldon: Do you know there are only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language. Leonard: Interesting, you should lead with that. Scene: The department party. Sheldon, Raj and Leonard are at the buffet table. Raj: Oh, God, Look at this buffet. I love America. Leonard: You don't have buffets in India? Raj: Of course, but it's all Indian food. You can't find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me. Sheldon: Well here's an interesting turn of events. Leonard: What. (Sees Howard entering with a statuesque blonde) Howard brought a date? Sheldon: A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an amazing leap forward. Howard: Hey, what up, science bitches? May I introduce my special lady friend, Summer. (Puts arm around her.) Summer: I already told you, touching's extra. Howard: Right. Sorry. Leonard (to Sheldon): Here comes our new boss, be polite. Gablehouser: Hi fellas, Eric Gablehouser. Howard: Howard Wolowitz. Gablehouser: Howard, nice to meet you, and you are? Sheldon: An actual real scientist. (To Leonard) How was that? Scene: The stairwell of the apartment building. Sheldon is carrying a box of his things. Sheldon: I can't believe he fired me. Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts. Sheldon: In my defence, I prefaced that by saying "with all due respect." Credit sequence. Scene: The apartment, Sheldon is in the kitchen cooking, Leonard enters. Leonard: Morning Sheldon: Morning. Leonard: You're making eggs for breakfast? Sheldon: This isn't breakfast, it's an experiment. Leonard: Huh? Cos it looks a lot like breakfast. Sheldon: I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste. Leonard: Sounds yummy. I look forward to your work with bacon. Sheldon: As do I. Leonard: You know, I'm sure if you just apologised to Gablehauser he would give you your job back. Sheldon: I don't want my job back. I've spent the last three and a half years staring at greaseboards full of equations. Before that I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades, and I'm going to savour it. Leonard: Okay. I'll let you get back to fixing your eggs. Sheldon: I'm not just fixing my eggs, I'm fixing everyone's eggs. Leonard: And we all thank you. (Sheldon takes his eggs and sits down. Takes a photograph of them. Writes in his notebook, then takes a forkful. Writes in notebook again.) Sheldon: Use new eggs. (There is a knock on the door). Penny (popping her head round): Hi, hey. I'm running out to the market, do you guys need anything? Sheldon: Oh, well this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence. Penny: I'm sorry? Sheldon: I need eggs. Four dozen should suffice. Penny: Four dozen? Sheldon: Yes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free range, large, extra-large and jumbo. Penny: Okay, one more time? Sheldon: Never mind, you won't get it right, I'd better come with you. Penny: Oh, yay! Scene: Penny's car Penny: How come you didn't go into work today. Sheldon: I'm taking a sabbatical, because I won't kow-tow to mediocre minds. Penny: So you got canned, huh? Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah. Penny: Well, maybe it's all for the best, you know I always say, when one door closes, another one opens. Sheldon: No it doesn't. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved. Penny: No, no, I meant... Sheldon: Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door. Penny: Never mind. Sheldon: Slow down. Slow down, please slow down. Penny: We're fine. Sheldon: Look, you're not leaving yourself enough space between cars. Penny: Oh, sure I am. Sheldon: No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let's say 4,000lb, now add say 140 for me, 120 for you. Penny: 120? Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth? Penny: Well, yeah. Sheldon: Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let's say, 4,400lb. Penny: Let's say 4,390. Sheldon: Fine. We're travelling forward at, good Lord, 51 miles an hour. Now let's assume that your brakes are new and the callipers are aligned, still, by the time we come to a stop, we'll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation and... oh look, they built a new put-put course. Scene: The supermarket. Sheldon: This is great. Look at me, out in the real world of ordinary people, just living their ordinary, colourless, workaday lives. Penny: Thank you. Sheldon: No, thank you. And thank you, ordinary person. Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes. Penny: Uh, no, no not really. Listen, didn't you say you needed some eggs. Sheldon: Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket. Penny: Oh, okay, well maybe you should start heading on out then. Sheldon: No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you'll really enjoy this, is, they're shelved with the vegetables, but they're technically a fruit. Penny: Interesting. Sheldon: Isn't it? Penny: No, I mean what you find enjoyable. Sheldon (as Penny selects vitamin supplements): Oh boy. Penny: What now? Sheldon: Well, there's some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much, what you're buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine. Penny: Well, maybe that's what I was going for. Sheldon: Well then you'll want some manganese. Scene: On the stairwell of the apartment building. Sheldon: That was fun. Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores. Penny: Oh, I don't know Sheldon, it's going to take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today. Sheldon: Are you sure. There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month's supply at a time. Penny: What? Sheldon: Well think about it, it's a product that doesn't spoil, and you're going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years. Penny: You want me to buy thirty years worth of tampons? Sheldon: Well, thirty, thirty five, hey, when did your mother go into menopause? Penny: Okay, I'm not talking about this with you. Sheldon: Oh, Penny, this is a natural human process, and we're talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28 day cycle, are you fairly regular? (Penny shuts door in his face.) Okay, no warehouse store, but we're still on for put-put golf, right? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment, Sheldon has several bowls containing goldfish. Leonard (entering): Hey, I just ran into Penny, she seemed upset about something. Sheldon: I think it's her time of the month. I marked the calendar for future reference. Leonard: What's with the fish? Sheldon: It's an experiment. Leonard: What happened to your scrambled egg research? Sheldon: Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they're ever going to be. Leonard: So... fish. Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights. Leonard: Fish nightlights. Sheldon: It's a billion dollar idea. Shhhhh! Leonard: Mum's the word. Sheldon, are you sure you don't want to just apologise to Gablehauser and get your job back. Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no. No, I've too much to do. Leonard: Like luminous fish. Sheldon: Shhhhh! Leonard: Right... I didn't.... Sheldon: That's just the beginning. I also have an idea for a bulk mail-order feminine hygiene company. Oh, glow in the dark tampons! Leonard, we're going to be rich. Scene: The stairwell of the apartment building. Leonard: Thank you for coming on such short notice. Mrs Cooper: You did the right thing calling. Leonard: I didn't know what else to do, he's lost all focus, every day he's got a new obsession. (They enter the apartment. Sheldon is weaving on a loom. He is wrapped in a poncho.) This is a particularly disturbing one. Sheldon (looking round): Mommy. Mrs Cooper: Hi baby. Sheldon (mouths): You called my mother? Mrs Cooper: Oh, you got yourself a loom, how nice. Sheldon: Thank you. Mrs Cooper: Honey, why did you get a loom? Sheldon: I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey, loom! Mom, what are you doing here? Mrs Cooper: Leonard called me. Sheldon: I know, but why? Leonard: Because one of the great minds of the twenty-first century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving sarapes. Sheldon: This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone's mother. Leonard: Really, when was the last time you left the house. Sheldon: I went to the market with Penny. Leonard: That was three weeks ago. Sheldon: Well then buckle up, in the next four to eight days she's going to get very crabby. Mrs Cooper: Sweetheart, your little friend is concerned about you. Sheldon: Yes, well I'm not a child, I'm a grown man capable of living my life as I see fit. And I certainly don't need someone telling on me to my mother. Leonard: Where are you going? Sheldon: To my room, and no-one's allowed in. Mrs Cooper: He gets his temper from his daddy. Leonard: Oh. Mrs Cooper: He's got my eyes. Leonard: I see. Mrs Cooper: All that science stuff, that comes from Jesus. Scene: Everyone but Sheldon is in the kitchen of the apartment. Leonard: Sheldon? Your mum made dinner. Sheldon (off): I'm not hungry. Mrs Cooper: Oh, Leonard, don't trouble yourself, he's stubborn. He may stay in there 'til the Rapture. Penny: Are we so sure that's a bad thing? Mrs Cooper: I'll tell ya, I love the boy to death, but he has been difficult since he fell out of me at the K-Mart. Howard: Excuse me for being so bold, but I now see where Sheldon gets his smouldering good looks. Mrs Cooper: Oh, honey that ain't going to work, but you keep trying. (To Raj) I made chicken, I hope that isn't one of the animals that you people think is magic? You know, we have an Indian gentleman at our church, a Dr Patel, it's a beautiful story, the lord spoke to him, and moved him to give us all 20% off on lasic, you know, those that needed it. Leonard: That is a lovely story, um, are we going to do anything about Sheldon? Mrs Cooper: Oh, we will, you have to take your time with Sheldon. His father, God rest his soul, used to say to me, Mary, you have to take your time with Sheldon. Leonard: Sounds like a wise man. Mrs Cooper: Oh, not so wise, he was trying to fight a bobcat for some licquorish. So, everybody grab a plate, and a pretty place mat that Shelly wove. Penny: Has Shelly ever freaked out like this before. Mrs Cooper: Oh, all the time, I remember one summer when he was thirteen, he built a small nuclear reactor in the shed and told everybody he was going to provide free electricity for the whole town, well the only problem was he had no, whatchacall, fissionable materials. Anyway, when he went on the internets to get some, a man from the government came by and sat him down real gentle and told him it's against the law to have yellow cake uranium in a shed. Penny: What happened? Mrs Cooper: Well, the poor boy had a fit, locked himself in his room and built a sonic death ray. Leonard: A death ray? Mrs Cooper: Well, that's what he called it, didn't even slow down the neighbour kids. It pissed our dog off to no end. You know, you two make a cute couple. Both Leonard and Penny laugh, a little too forced. Leonard: No, we're not, we're not, not a couple, two singles, like those individually wrapped slices of cheese that.... are friends. Mrs Cooper: Did I pluck a nerve there? Howard: Oh yeah. Mrs Cooper: Okay. Alright everybody, it's time to eat. (Everybody begins to do so) Oh Lord, we thank you for this meal, all your bounty, and we pray that you help Sheldon get back on his rocker. (To Raj and Howard) Now after a moment of silent meditation I'm going to end with "In Jesus' Name" but you two don't feel any obligation to join in. Unless, of course, the holy spirit moves you. Time shift Penny: Oh my God, this is the best cobbler I've ever had. Mrs Cooper: It was always Sheldon' s favourite. You know what the secret ingredient is? Penny: Love? Mrs Cooper: Lard. Sheldon emerges from the bedroom area. Howard: Hey, look who's come out.... Mrs Cooper: Shhh! You'll spook him. He's like a baby deer, you gotta let him come to you. Sheldon crosses to the cobbler, takes some and puts it on a plate. Looks round at the group in the matter of a frightened animal. Everyone but Leonard looks down at their meal. Leonard: This is ridiculous. Dammit, Sheldon, snap out of it. You're a physicist, you belong at the University doing research, not hiding in your room. (Sheldon scuttles away) Mrs Cooper: You don't hunt, do you? Scene: Sheldon's bedroom. He is building a model of some kind of double helix. There is a knock on the door. Mrs Cooper (entering): Good morning, snicker-doodle. Sheldon: Morning. Mrs Cooper: Oh, well that looks awful fancy, what is that? Sheldon: It's my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life form. Mrs Cooper: But intelligently designed by a creator, right? Sheldon: What do you want, mom? Mrs Cooper: You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you got to throw a stick of dynamite in the water? Sheldon: Yeah. Mrs Cooper: Well, I'm done fishing. (Throwing a pair of trousers on the bed) You put those on. Sheldon: What for? Mrs Cooper: Because you're going to go down to your office, you're going to apologise to your boss, and get your job back. Sheldon: No. Mrs Cooper: I'm sorry, did I start that sentence with the words "if it please your highness?" Sheldon: I'm not going to apologise, I didn't say anything that wasn't true. Mrs Cooper: Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than everybody but you can't go around pointing it out. Sheldon: Why not? Mrs Cooper: Because people don't like it. Remember all the ass-kickings you got from the neighbour kids? Now let's get cracking. Shower, shirt, shoes, and let's shove off. (Exits) Sheldon: Wouldn't have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death ray had worked. Scene: The kitchen Mrs Cooper: Problem solved. Leonard: Really? That's impressive. Mrs Cooper: Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully he blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup. Scene: Dr Gablehouser's office Mrs Cooper: Excuse me, Dr Gablehouser, are you busy? Gablehouser: Well, actually.... Mrs Cooper: Sheldon, he's just doodling, get in here. Sheldon: Dr Gablehouser. Gablehouser: Dr Cooper. Mrs Cooper: Let's go, baby, we're losing daylight. Sheldon: Um, as you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter we may have gotten off on the wrong foot, when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong. To point it out. Gablehouser (to Mrs Cooper): I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced. Dr Eric Gablehouser. Mrs Cooper: Mary Cooper, Sheldon's mom. Gablehouser: Now that's impossible, you must have had him when you were a teenager. Mrs Cooper: Oh, aren't you sweet, his father's dead. Gablehouser: Recently? Mrs Cooper: Long enough. Gablehouser (indicating chair): Please. Sheldon, shouldn't you be working? Sheldon (leaving): Okay. Leonard: Hey, how did it go? Sheldon: I got my job back. Leonard: Really? What happened? Sheldon: I'm not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me. Leonard: That narrows it down. Scene: Sheldon's bedroom. Mrs Cooper is tucking him in. Mrs Cooper: I'm very proud of you honey, you showed a lot of courage today. Sheldon: Thanks, mom. Mom? Mrs Cooper: Mmm-hmm? Sheldon: Is Dr Gablehouser going to be my new daddy? Mrs Cooper: We'll see. Sleep tight. Sheldon turns over to sleep in the glow of a luminous goldfish.

At the university Sheldon is fired from his job as a physicist after insulting his new boss Dr. Eric Gablehauser. Sheldon's change of circumstance triggers a downward spiral of depression in which he fails to improve scrambled eggs, develops luminous fish for nightlights, and weaves on a hand loom. Worried, Leonard calls Sheldon's mother, Mary Cooper. When she visits, the men realize she is the complete opposite of their expectations: she is sweet, down-to-earth, a devout Christian, and a loving and caring mother. Mary finally forces Sheldon to apologize, who is given his job back after she flirts with Dr. Gablehauser.

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Act One. Scene One - Caf Nervosa. Frasier hurriedly enters the caf with a pursuing Poppy hot on his heels. Poppy: Hey, Frasier! Frasier: Hello, Poppy. Poppy: You should have your hearing checked. I've been yelling "wait up!" for the last four blocks. Frasier: [excusing] Well, I must be getting old. Poppy: Like an old man can walk that fast! You were practically running the last block. Did I ever tell you about my uncle who ran everywhere? He ran to the store... Frasier: [puts his hand up] That's a very interesting story. Yes, I'll see you at the station, okay? [notices Roz at a front table] Roz! Frasier crosses to Roz and sits with her as Poppy goes to the counter. Frasier: Thank God you were here. Roz: I know exactly how you feel. Last week I ducked into a bathroom stall to get away from her and there were three other women already in there. Listen, I have a favor to ask. This friend of mine is running this charity dinner dance Friday night... Frasier: Oh, Roz, say no more. What do they need? An autographed picture for their silent auction? Roz: That would be a silent auction! Frasier: Very funny. Roz: No, what I was hoping you'd do is buy a couple of tickets. They're only a hundred bucks each. Frasier: I don't know Roz, I'd have to take a date. Seattle does have certain expectations about the sort of person I'm to be seen with. Roz: Oh, that's easy! [points out Niles who has just entered the caf ] Here he is! Let's see if he's free. Frasier: [playing along] I'll let you know! Roz gets up, greets Niles, and exits. Niles greets Frasier and sits with him. Niles: Mind if I join you? Frasier: Well, actually I'm not staying, I'm avoiding someone. Niles: Oh, who? Frasier: [points Poppy out] The new so-called arts critic at the station, Poppy! Niles: [knowingly] A-ha. Frasier: The woman drives me mad, she gasses on endlessly about the most mundane matters. Absolutely infuriating - [noticing Niles's grin] - as is that smirk of yours. Niles: Well, I'm sorry if I've noticed that not a day goes by that you don't badmouth this woman. Frasier: Well, with good reason. The woman is a windsock. Niles: I'm wondering if someone isn't protesting a bit too much. She's very attractive, obviously well-bred. Perhaps all this "Pigtails and Inkwells" hostility is actually a veiled attraction. Frasier: [sarcastic] Oh, bravo Dr. Crane! Yes, I think you're really on to something there. Frasier stands as Poppy comes over to him. Poppy: Oh, where's Roz gone? Frasier: Oh, she dashed off to the office. We're going to continue our meeting there. You know, Poppy, I was just telling my brother what an enchanting storyteller you are. Why don't you take my seat, and he can find out for himself? [he seats her] Ta-ta. Frasier exits as Niles makes conversation. Niles: Well, nice to finally meet you, Poppy. There must be quite a story behind that name. Poppy stares at him sweetly, mesmerized. Poppy: Yes. Niles: So... You're the new arts critic at the station, that must be interesting. Poppy: Oh, yes. Niles: Okay, well if you don't feel like talking, I should be really running along anyway. [starts to get up] Poppy: No, don't go. I am just amazed at how different you are from your brother. He's sort of intimidating, I get so flustered around him, I just start babbling. But you, you're different. You're very warm. Niles: Thank you. So are you. Poppy: Polite, not to mention stylish and charming, [getting carried away] and incredibly handsome. Oh my God! Am I babbling again? Niles: [pleased] If you were, I'd be too polite and charming to tell you. [laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier enters his apartment that afternoon to find a half-naked lady on the phone. All she is wearing is a bath towel. Regan: [on phone] Well, what the hell are you doing? Frasier looks at the scene and exits the room again. In the hallway, he checks the door number and sees it is his own. He ponders and wonders if he's gone mad before entering again to find the same scene. Regan: [on phone] I've been waiting for twenty minutes. [hangs up and then to Frasier] I am so sorry. You're probably wondering who I am. Frasier: I'm mildly curious. Regan: I got into the shower - my shower. I just moved in next door. I probably should have started with that, huh? [shakes his hand] I'm Regan Shaw, by the way. Anyway, the doorbell rang, and I figured it was the phone guy because I've been waiting all day long. I ran to catch him, and stepped out into the hallway and locked myself out. Luckily your father came along. Martin enters with a bathrobe and hands it to Regan. Martin: Hey, Fras. Frasier: Yes, that was lucky. Martin: All right, well this should keep you nice and warm and I'll just run in the kitchen and get you your herbal tea. Frasier: If you'll excuse me, I'll just show my father where it's kept. Martin and Frasier enter the kitchen where Martin sets about pouring the herbal tea. Martin: Pretty sweet, eh? I found her right out in the hall. Frasier: Yes, well, I'm sorry Dad, but you can't keep her. Martin: No, I've brought her here for you. I've been talking you up the whole time. Frasier: Really? Martin: Yeah. Listen, I've served this one to you on a platter. In fact, if it wasn't for the jasmine on your robe, I'd say this one was a slam-dunk. Frasier: I'm just... Martin: It's a basketball phrase. Frasier: Yes, I know that, Dad. I want to chat up a half naked woman without looking uncouth. Martin: Well, just be friendly, you know. She's a veterinarian, she's single, she's very athletic, as you can tell from that body. And Lord... [thinks about body] Frasier: Dad! Martin: Just because you're serving the cake doesn't mean you can't have a few crumbs that drop off. Frasier and Martin enter the living room. Martin hands over the herbel tea to Regan. Martin: Hi. Well, here we go. There you are. Now, I've got a call to make so Frasier'll keep you entertained. Regan: Thanks for the tea. Martin: Don't mention it. [exits] Frasier: So, you're next door? Oh, that's right. Judge Gilroy moved in with his daughter. Regan: I bet he never wandered into your apartment wearing a towel. Frasier: No, but I did hear he wandered into work one day wearing a towel, though. I guess that's why he had to move in with his daughter. [laughs] Martin then enters with some car keys. Martin: Looks like I walked off with your car keys. I should have known from the big [stresses and jingles the keys] BMW on it! Frasier: Thank you, Dad. Martin exits to the kitchen. Frasier: So, Regan, that's an unusual name. Is it by any chance from... Regan: From "King Lear," yeah. One of the ungrateful daughters. I don't know what my dad was thinking. Never do. I'm sorry, I have some issues with my father. Martin enters with a kitchen spoon. Martin: [obviously prying] Excuse me again. Frasier: I have no idea what that would be like! What?! Martin: [stands around] Well, I better be on my way, huh? Just let you two talk. He's a wonderful listener. In fact, that's his motto on his very popular radio show, "I Listen." Frasier: Yes, Dad, don't forget my sign off: "Goodbye!" Martin laughs, hits him on the head with the spoon and exits to his room. Regan: I actually listen to your show. Frasier: Really? Well, I'm flattered, thank you. Regan: I think if I hadn't gone into veterinary medicine it would have been psychology. Think I was just always drawn to animals. Frasier looks over at Eddie who is seated on Martin's chair. Frasier: Yes, it is hard not to love them. Frasier begins stroking Eddie rather harshly before eventually picking him up and putting him on his knee. Frasier smiles at Regan as if he's loving it. [SCENE_BREAK] SPY VS. SPY Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is sat on the couch with his head in his hands as Martin stands by his chair. Martin: I just feel so responsible. Maybe there was something more I could have said, something more I could have done. I keep playing it over and over in my head. Frasier: I'll ask her out today, Dad. Meanwhile, Daphne and Niles are coming up to the apartment in the elevator. Daphne: Dr. Crane, do you believe women have an intuition about men? Niles: Intuition? Daphne: Like they might know when a man has a little crush. Niles begins to get anxious. Daphne: You know, by the way he fidgets or gets a look in his eye or... Niles cannot stop fidgeting and eventually tries leaning on the elevator side. He inadvertently presses the fire alarm. He quickly turns it off. Daphne: I only ask because I'm getting that feeling from your brother. Niles: [relieved] Really, huh? Daphne: He's all moony-eyed today, someone he's quite keen on. Niles: Actually I know who it is. I called him on it yesterday in the coffee shop, he won't admit to it. The problem is... Daphne: Yeah? Niles: I've developed a crush myself and it happens to be... The elevator comes to a halt. The doors open to reveal Frasier standing with Eddie in his arms. Niles: Frasier? Whatcha doing? Frasier: Come in. Niles, Daphne and Frasier enter the apartment. Frasier: So, Niles. How are you? Niles: [hangs his coat up] Well. The question is, how are you? I hear you're been running around like a love sick schoolboy. Frasier: Who told you that? Niles: Well, let's just say that the birds around here are chirping. Anyway... are you prepared to admit that my little theory yesterday was correct? Frasier: Are you talking about Poppy? Niles: Yes, the woman you so adamantly denied having any attraction to. Frasier: I still do, she's loathsome. Niles: Does it gall you so much to admit I'm right? Frasier: But you're not right. Niles: So, well then, who is this person you're so interested in? Frasier: You don't know her. Niles: Tell me about her. Frasier: It's premature. Niles: Oh, brother! Frasier: All right, fine, if you must know. The woman happens to be... There is a knock at the door. Regan: [o.s] Hello. Frasier: [whispers] Her, my next door neighbor. Niles: [not believing] Oh, what good timing she has! Frasier opens the door to Regan and she enters. Frasier: Hi, come in. Regan: I just wanted to return this tea cup. [hands it over] Frasier: Oh, well, you're welcome any time. Er, Regan Shaw, this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane. Niles and Regan exchange nervous greetings. They obviously recognize each other. Frasier: Do you two know each other? Regan/Niles: Yes./No. Frasier: Well, I'll just get us all some coffee and you two can decide if you know each other or not. Frasier exits to the kitchen. Regan: I'm so sorry, Dr. Crane. I just was a little startled seeing you outside your office. Niles: Please, don't even think about it, have a seat. [they sit] Well, so I gather this is your new building. Regan: Yes. Right next door to your brother who I just met. Is that so strange? Niles: Yes, well, remember, I have a policy of total confidentiality. [Daphne enters] He never needs to know that you've started seeing me. Niles notices Daphne who is lingering around. Daphne excuses herself. Daphne: Oh, here it is. Daphne picks up an ashtray and takes it back into the kitchen where Frasier is pacing around. Frasier: What did you find out? Daphne: It sounded like they've had a date or two. He mentioned having seen her. Frasier: Damn him! Daphne: Come to think of it, he said something in the elevator about having a crush on someone. Frasier: Well, I just have to confront him and see if he's man enough to admit he's horned in on my territory. Daphne: Well, excuse me, Dr. Crane, but didn't your brother meet her first? Frasier: Oh, honestly, Daphne, just try to keep up. It's not that complicated! Frasier enters with coffee. Frasier: Well, here we are. Regan: Actually, I can't stay. I've got the heating man coming. Frasier: Oh! Regan: Can I take a rain check? Frasier: Well, certainly. Would you like to go out for coffee some time? Regan: Yeah, I'd like that. Bye. Frasier: Great. Bye. Niles: [calls] Bye. Frasier opens the door for her. When she exits he slams the door and looks around at Niles. Frasier: So, I do take it you two know each other. Niles: Well, we met briefly at some event. [pours a coffee] Frasier: I see. Changing the subject completely, Daphne just mentioned that you happen to have a little crush on someone yourself. Niles: [sighs] Yes, I have. Frasier: Care to elaborate? Niles: Yes, I will. Unlike you, I don't mind being candid. The woman is Poppy. Frasier: [not believing] Poppy?! Niles: We had coffee yesterday after you left. You're not upset? Frasier: No, not at all. Thank you for your candor, Niles. I'm sure you and Poppy will be very happy together. [smirks and laughs] Niles: Are you laughing at me? [rises to his feet] You think so little of my chances? Frasier: No, no, Niles. [a bad tone] I wish you and Poppy the very best! Niles: I don't need this smug attitude of yours. [gets his coat] I fully intended to discuss this amiably. You refuse, so I'll just say goodbye. Frasier: Very well, thanks for dropping by, off you go. Niles exits as Daphne enters from the kitchen. Frasier: What kind of a fool does he take me for? He is obviously pursuing Regan, the man has the nerve to say he's chasing Poppy. Daphne: [shocked] Poppy? Frasier: Yes, as if anyone could pursue that insufferable air hoi! Well, if it's deceit and chicanery he's after, I'll give him more than he can handle. Daphne: Dr. Crane, before it gets to that level, wouldn't it make sense for you two just to have one open and honest conversation? Frasier: Honestly, Daphne, how you manage to overreact in absolutely everything! End of Act One. Act Two. Scene One - Caf Nervosa. Frasier is seated at a table as Roz crosses to him and pulls up a chair. Roz: These shoes are killing me, I can't wait to sit down. Frasier: [pulls chair back] Well, you're not going to sit there. Roz: Why not? [pulls chair back] Frasier: [pulls chair back] I'm expecting someone for coffee. Roz: Well, Niles is small, we can share. Frasier: It is not Niles, will you stop saying that? I'm meeting a woman. Roz: [sits] Well, I'll move when she gets here. By the way, I still have four tickets left for that charity ball Friday night. Frasier: I'm sorry, Roz, thanks anyway. Roz: Come on, it's for a good cause. They provide disaster relief. Poppy enters and shouts over. Poppy: Hi, partners! [crosses to them] Frasier, I was leaving the booth and I found this umbrella. [hands it over] I think it belongs to you. Frasier: Yes, it's my emergency umbrella. I always leave it in the booth. Poppy: Don't feel bad, I'm forgetful too! Niles enters from the toilets at the back and notices Poppy as she cradles Frasier's head in sympathy. Poppy exits. Frasier: I think I'll just go and see what's keeping my latte. Would you watch my table please, Roz? As Frasier goes to see the waitress he passes Niles on the other side of the room. They stare at each other like two cowboys from a western movie. Niles arrives at Roz's table. Niles: Hello, Roz. I noticed that Poppy was here. Did she mention where she was headed? Roz: No. Listen, Niles, can I interest you in a couple of tickets for a charity ball this Friday? It's a great event. Niles: Is Frasier going? Roz: No, but do you have to go everything together? Niles: I'll take two. [does so] I'm in a hurry, I'll send you a check. Niles exits leaving Roz confused as Frasier crosses to her. Frasier: Where was Niles in such a rush off to? Roz: I have no idea. [waves tickets] Last chance, I only have two tickets left. Frasier: I thought there were four? Roz: Niles just bought a pair. Frasier: Damn him! He's probably off to intercept Regan right now. Roz: Who? Frasier: I'm sorry, Roz, I'm in a hurry. I'll write you a check for these. Enjoy the table! Frasier takes the tickets and runs out, leaving Roz cashless. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - The Charity Ball. In a set nearly identical to the one used in "Moon Dance" with the exact same music, everybody is milling about and dancing to light music. Poppy enters on the arm of Niles. Poppy: This is the best kind of party. You get to dress up, have a wonderful time, and it's all for a good cause. Niles: You know it really is for an impressive organization. I've heard that within twenty-four hours of any worldwide disaster they can put together a ball. [Poppy laughs] Regan enters on the arm of Frasier. Poppy: Oh, look it's your brother. Niles: What? Oh, so it is. Why don't you find our table and I'll get us some champagne. Poppy: Yes. Niles crosses to the bar where Roz is standing. Niles: Roz, you didn't tell me Frasier was going to be here. Roz: Yeah, he bought the last two tickets. Niles: After he knew I'd be here with Poppy. Obviously he wants to get a shot at her himself, he bought that pull-a-long as his beard. Roz: [shocked] Frasier's interested in Poppy? Niles: I shouldn't be surprised the subtle signs of attraction are lost on you. A woman for whom the gunning of a Harley engine is like a come-hither look. Niles crosses back to Poppy as Frasier comes over to Roz. Frasier: Hello, Roz. Roz: Hi. Frasier: I see that Niles has brought himself a "date" to the evening. Roz: Yep, and you'll never guess what he thinks. Frasier: Oh, I know exactly what he thinks. He's using Poppy as his patty, steal a few minutes with Regan, try and win her for himself. Roz: That's not what he thinks. Frasier: Roz! Roz: He likes Poppy. Frasier: Dear simple, Roz. After six years of listening at my feet. Have you learnt nothing of the dark forces that move people? Open your ears! Frasier crosses back to Regan. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - The Charity Ball. Time has lapsed. Frasier is dancing with Regan as Niles is dancing with Poppy. However Frasier and Niles are just staring at each other. Regan: You're looking at your brother again. Frasier: Yes, I'm sorry. It's just that he keeps staring over here. For God's sakes, he hasn't paid any attention whatsoever. Can you imagine how that woman must feel? Regan: [knowingly] Yeah, women hate that. Meanwhile, Niles and Poppy are having the same tribulations. Niles: He's doing it again. Poppy: What? Niles: My brother is staring at us. Obviously thinking what a striking couple we make. In fact, let's give him something to stare at. Niles and Poppy do a little move where Niles pushes Poppy away from him on his arm and brings her back in. However, she falls on Niles's toe and hurts him. Poppy: I'm sorry. Same toe as before. Niles: Yes, same toe as before. [laughs] Meanwhile, at the other side of the dance floor: Regan: What is going on with you two tonight? Frasier: All right, you'd find out sooner or later anyway. See, I know about you and Niles. Regan: You do? Frasier: Yes. But it's all right, I don't mind. It's just that, well, he's really quite smitten with you. Regan: Oh my God, really? The music stops. Everyone claps as the couples head to the tables. Poppy: Do you think you're going to lose the nail? Niles: No, no, I just need to sit down. Niles sits in agony as the tango music starts up. Where have we heard that before?! Poppy: Oh my God, I love the tango. You won't mind if I dance one with your brother? Niles: What? Frasier: Well, actually Poppy... Poppy: Oh come on, Niles can keep Regan company. Poppy stands and shoves her chair in, crippling Niles's toe again. Frasier and Poppy begin to tango. Niles: You know, Regan, I'm getting a second wind. Shall we show them how it's done? Regan: Well, actually, Dr. Crane- Niles: Oh, don't be so formal. We're not doctor and patient tonight! Regan stands and Niles, trying to walk, clumsily tangoes with Regan. Poppy: Your brother's quite romantic, inviting me to a ball on our very first date. He certainly doesn't waste time, does he? Frasier: No, he doesn't! Regan: You do realize that I'm interested in your brother. Niles: You mean, you're developing real feelings for him? Regan: Yeah. Niles: Well, you might think so now, but trust me: You're future's not with him. I know this is confusing. [twirls her round in a dizzy daze] You'll see everything more clearly when I've got you on the couch. Regan: [disgusted] Oh! Meanwhile, Poppy and Frasier do a little move as Frasier, unwillingly, traces down her body. Niles: Well, I can't take anymore of this. Niles crosses to Poppy. Niles: I have to cut in. Poppy: How romantic! Niles: [to Frasier] Yes, come with me. They go to the tables. Niles: You should be ashamed of yourself. Frasier: Your tango wasn't so impressive, either. Niles: I'm talking about your behaviour tonight. Frasier: I won't simply stand aside and let you have the woman you want. Niles: Exactly, obviously one of us has to back off, not just tonight but permanently. The girls come to them. Regan: Frasier, can I talk to you for a moment alone? Frasier: Well, of course, just give me one more moment with my brother. Poppy: Niles, when you're finished I'd love one more dance. Niles: Ah, I'll be right there. The girls go over. Niles: Well, I believe she has made her choice. Frasier: Yes, I believe she has. They both look as if they have won. Niles goes to Poppy and Frasier to Regan as the song "On The Street Where She Lives" from Bernard Shaw's "My Fair Lady" is played by the orchestra. Regan: Frasier, I think I'd like to leave if that's all right. Frasier: Leave? Already? Well, couldn't we just have one last dance? Regan: Well, I guess. I'm just feeling a little uncomfortable. Frasier: Yes, well, I certainly don't blame you. You see, now I've spoken with him, Niles has agreed to behave himself. Now I can put all my attention on you. Regan: That is a relief. I mean, you can understand why I was kinda freaked out by all that. Frasier however is watching Niles. Regan: Right? Frasier? Frasier: He's a brave little soldier, isn't he? Awash in despair and yet he dances. Meanwhile, Niles and Poppy are dancing. Poppy: This is when they wrote songs that were really about something. True love, broken hearts. Niles: [referring to Frasier but arguably in his heart referring to the last time he was in the ball room and Daphne broke his heart] Yes, there's nothing quite so poignant as someone with a broken heart, pretending that it isn't. Frasier: No wonder, he keeps staring over at us. He's suffered such a crushing defeat tonight. Regan: Can we go? Frasier: Yes, of course, that's the best thing to do. You know, let me just have one last word with him. Regan: Oh my God! Frasier crosses to Niles and Poppy. Frasier: Niles, if you don't mind. Poppy: You guys are going to wear me out. Frasier: Can I see you at the bar, please? Frasier and Niles go to the bar as Regan goes to Poppy. Regan: I think I'm going to catch a cab. Poppy: Aren't you having a good time? Regan: Frankly, no. Are you? Poppy: Oh, yes, I think Niles has got quite a little crush on me. Regan: Actually, Poppy, there's something you should know about Niles. Meanwhile, Frasier and Niles are at the bar. Frasier: Niles, I just wanted to let you know that I'm not happy with the way things have ended this evening. Niles: Well, neither am I. How could I be? And the worst thing is: it's not just tonight. What happens when we keep running into each other? Frasier: Yes, the victor will have his trophy. The loser will be empty-handed. Niles: It hardly seems worth it, given the permanent damage this could do to our relationship. Frasier: Yes, I can't help but wonder if perhaps we're being a bit short-sighted. Frasier however doesn't need glasses to see Poppy and Regan leaving. Frasier: Niles, is that Regan and Poppy leaving just now? Niles: It was, wasn't it? Frasier: I want you to go after her. Niles: What? Frasier: Yes, I won't stand in your way. Niles: No, Frasier, I would feel better if you went after her. Frasier: No, I couldn't do that to you. Niles: I think we're both feeling the same thing. Frasier: I know we are. You noble b*st*rd. Niles: Right back atcha. Oh, it's for the best. Frasier: After all, the most important thing is our friendship. Niles: I think that's worth drinking to. [to waiter] Two bourbons. Frasier: You know, while we're at it, let's propose a toast to the one pretty remarkable woman. Niles: Well, she'd have to be to have won both of our hearts. Frasier: Hear, hear. Niles: Well, then... They raise their glasses... Frasier/Niles: To Regan!/To Poppy! Niles s glass freezes on its way to his lips. Frasier, less lucky, gets half a sip in his mouth, and it stays there, as comprehension sinks in. Frasier: [swallows] I think we're going to need two more here. They throw back the rest of their bourbons, then slam their glasses down and bury their faces. End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Roz is dancing with a handsome waiter when another waiter cuts in. Roz is flattered until the second waiter hands the first a serving tray and orders him back to work, then leaves the floor himself. Roz goes back to her table to sip champagne sadly.

When Frasier escapes Poppy at Café Nervosa by leaving Niles in his place, Poppy is suddenly less talkative than usual; she finds Niles warm, charming and handsome. Frasier returns home and finds a strange woman in a towel using the phone. The woman, Regan, recently moved in next door, and Martin rescued her when she locked herself out. Frasier finds Regan attractive, and intends to ask her out. When Niles meets her, Frasier believes that Niles is attracted to her as well. Niles, in turn, thinks Frasier's persistent hostile remarks about Poppy mask a latent attraction, and so does not believe that he really likes Regan. Both couples attend a charity ball, each brother assuming that the other is pursuing his date.

fd_The_Office_08x09

fd_The_Office_08x09_0

Dwight: [knocks water bottle on to Jim's desk] Oh, little help. Wow your hair is really thinning. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Every second you sit there is an hour off your life. Look at all of you. I feel like you're in a suicide cult. Creed: No. No. No. You're way off on that one. Dwight: Oh yeah? Oscar: Are you really comfortable standing there? I tried one of those and I just never hit the sweet spot. Jim: Hey guys let's just all admit it. Ok? Dwight's better than us. He had the guts to stop sitting. And he's never, ever going to go back on it right? Dwight: That's right Jim. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Hey man. Dwight: [jumping up from an almost sitting position] Hey. Darryl: Taking a load off huh? Dwight: No. Putting a load on more like it. Darryl: Good luck with that. Dwight: Last thing I need is luck. [hunches down again] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [to Angela] Thank you so much. [hums] Jim: [sees a pole poking out Dwight's pant leg] What are you up to? Oops look out! [grabs Dwight's wallet] Dwight: What are you doing? Give that back. Come on! Jim: Prank! [throws money from Dwight's wallet on the floor] Dwight: Oh that's real creative. Jim: You know what it's not my best. Because you could just easily bend over and pick it up right? Dwight: I could, but I just don't feel like it loser. Jim: Because you're sitting? Dwight: Standing. Jim: Ok. Dwight: Don't! Jim: Because you're sitting? Dwight: Standing. Jim: You know I have to do this. Dwight: I know. [Jim pushes him over, Dwight screams] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [signing his name] Andrew... Baines... Bernard. Jim: I think you could just do Andy Bernard. Andy: Andrew Baines Bernard. I love filling these out. Because it's like taking a test, but I know the answers. Robert: [loudly knocking on the window] In four seconds my wife is going to be coming through that door. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen. [to Mrs. California] There you are! Honey how on earth could you miss the elevator? Andy: What was that? Jim: I don't know. He wasn't talking to me. But if I were you I wouldn't hire his wife. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: That's why my foundation - The Dream for a Wish Foundation - is going to put them out of business. They're not going to know what hit them. Robert: Everyone. I'd like to introduce my wife Mrs. Robert California. Mrs. California this is everyone. Susan: Hello. Oh call me Susan please. Robert: Last night at dinner Susan and I were talking about her returning to work. So she's here today to see if there's a good fit. Something tells me it just might work out. This is Andy Bernard the regional manager. Susan: Hello nice to meet you. Andy: Hey there. It's a pleasure. Robert: Andy would you be so kind as to show Susan around the office. Show her the various departments. Find a place where she'll shine. Andy: I would love to. But I have to be completely honest with you guys. We're 100 percent staffed up. Robert: Andy. Let's see if there's a good fit first. Then we'll talk. Andy: Alright. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Darryl: You don't have to say it if you're doing it. Dwight: [laughs] Remember how you said that you were looking in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics? Darryl: Uh weight lifting yeah. Dwight: Well today's your lucky day. I have opened in this very office building Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles. You wanna take a look? Darryl: I'll take a look. Dwight: Your path from obesity begins right here! [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: I've been meaning to join a gym. [narrating over a montage of scenes with him and Val] For my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black President. I didn't realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay President. Or a supermodel President. I want to see all the different kinds of Presidents. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster, it takes more Freon to keep them cool, they flush the toilets more often, plus their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes. But a gym turns fat into cash. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Alright! The DM Express is pulling out. Susan: Well it was really nice to meet you Brian. Ryan: Actually Ryan. Susan: Oh, Ryan. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Bitttch! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: We will start here at Erinville. Susan: Hi. Erin: Hoo-hoo! Andy: Reception. Your classic one-man operation. Erin: Although I was watching a movie and Merryl Streep had two secretaries. Andy: I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco. Just saying. Robert: Two secretaries could convey a sense of importance and success to our clients. Certainly worth exploring; wouldn't you agree Andy? Andy: I'll explore exploring it. Robert: Good. It seems like you have this under control. So I'll just duck out and run the company for a while. Andy: Ok uh next stop on the tour sales. Here we go. Station stop Jim Halpert. Oh boy our resident truth teller. [Jim laughs nervously] Alright have at it. Let 'er rip. What do you hate about this place? Jim: Well it's sales. So you have to be able to live in the world of rejection. Dwight: Maybe you do. Hi. I'm Dwight. Sales is really not so hard ok? It's paper. We have it and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it. Andy: Jim? Jim: Well it's not that easy. It's kind of sometimes difficult. Dwight: It's the second easiest job in the world. [to camera] Being a mom. Susan: I love shopping and sales is just the other side of that. Dwight: That is true. Andy: You know if you joined our sales department you would be working very closely with our department head Mr. Dwight Schrute. Dwight: That's me. Andy: Dwight why don't you tell Susan about some of your hobbies. Survival skills. Ranking of animals. Dwight: Maybe over a beer after she's closed her first sale [makes gun click noise]. Susan: Well make that a red wine and I'll tell you my animal rankings [makes gun click noise back]. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Oh how am I supposed to pull this off? [montage of office workers in friendly interactions with Susan]. The entire office is being nice to her than they've ever been to me. What I wouldn't give for one of Phyllis' classic room clearing farts right now. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Ready? What do you think? Darryl: Um no. This is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw 5. Dwight: You haven't even looked around yet. Look. Gravel bucket squat yoke [squats, grunts and lifts] Right? Dedicated phone book ripping station [tries and fails to tear a phone book in half]. You ever cut tin before? Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire. Plus I will buy the tin back from you that you cut for two cents a yard. Now let's go over membership. I'm going to need the first month's and the last month's up front. $49 per month. But every third month is $59 a month. But the fourth month is a discount month at $19 per month... Darryl: Obviously you know how a gym works. So you know I'm not going to pay money for this. You want people to come to your gym? Make a real gym. Dwight: Darryl... [picks up sledgehammer and swings it at a hanging tire] Darryl: Make a real gym. [SCENE_BREAK] Susan: I was thinking accounting might be a good fit because I really clicked with Oscar and I do have some experience in bookkeeping. Andy: But we already have a surplus of accountants as it is. Susan: Uh I could work in customer service. HR even. Andy: Those are fully staffed as well. Robert: Are you telling me that there's no one in this entire office that could use an extra pair of hands? Andy: [laughing nervously] Yes. Robert: I am the CEO and I am telling an employee of mine what to do. Andy: Let me beat around the bush for a second. Our chairman of the board has some very strong feelings about- Susan: Robert this is very uncomfortable. Obviously there's no place for me here. So thank you for trying. Why don't we just let it go. Robert: No. Absolutely not. Andrew there must be something you can do. Think. Andy: There are lots of considerations. Robert: I would be eternally grateful. It's not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one. Andy: Alright. Well then welcome aboard. [SCENE_BREAK] Susan: So what happens next? Andy: We get you over to HR and then we get you set up with accounting. [phone rings] Hang on. Hello? Robert: [on phone] Say hello grandma. Andy: Hi gam-gam. Robert: Hold one finger up to Susan. You'll just be a second. You numbskull. You were given a very simple task. I could not have been more clear with you. Now say, "are you taking your medicine?" Andy: Are you taking your med-meds? Robert: Why can you not say exactly what I tell you? Undo this. Undo it. [Robert and Andy hang up phones] Susan: You didn't say goodbye to your grandma. Andy: We promised we'd never say goodbye. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Attention! I am now accepting memberships for Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles. The first 20 members can take advantage of the pay what you weigh promotion. Oscar: All I need is another gym. As if I don't have enough drama. Phyllis: We have a gym at home. It's called the bedroom. Oscar: Who's spotting who? Don't use the bike in the corner. That's Bruce's. Jeremy says... Angela: Enough Oscar, enough. Dwight: Kelly? Kelly: I have these new sneakers which are basically like a gym for your feet. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: That's okay. I know how to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Did you bring your passport with you? Susan: Who walks around with their passport? Toby: Well, I do. Always ready for adventure. Susan: Have you had any? Toby: No. Andy: [sees Susan is busy in the annex] Hey, uh, guys. So Robert doesn't want his wife working here. So now that she is, we have to drive her away. Oscar: Andy, if he didn't want her working here then why did you hire her? Andy/Oscar: it was a mistake. But one that can be fixed by all of us being mean to her. Kevin: How can we do that? She's simply wonderful. Angela: This is all pathetic. Andy: I am not asking, I am ordering. Oscar: How mean are we talking about? Andy: It would be great if she were gone by lunch. Erin, you're up. Find her a place to work, but not too comfortable. Erin: Got it. I know exactly which stapler to give her. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Here you go. [gives Susan a tiny stapler] Susan: Um, do you think it would be possible to move to that desk over there? Because this seems a bit cramped and I don't have a computer. Erin: Well that's a sales desk. Kevin: Yeah. You need to be over here with us accountants. Just sit here and be quiet. And if you have a question, just raise your hand. But I'm gonna save you some time, sweetie, and give you the answer now. I. Don't. Know. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it's doing. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: That's Gerald. [hands phone to Jim] Jim: Oh, wow. So cute. Susan: Oh, that is so cute- Phyllis: [grabs phone] Aw... He's so tiny. Is he in a ladle? Oscar: Yeah, he's in a ladle. Erin: That's adorable. How on earth did you get him in a ladle? Oscar: He did it himself. Phyllis: Is that ladle stainless or... Oscar: Oh, stainless. Williams Sonoma. Susan: Excuse me, waiter, there's a dog in my soup. [Jim chuckles] Oscar: It's not that kind of ladle. Jim: Very cute. [holds out the phone] Susan: Aw, let me see- Oscar: [grabs phone] Ah, just the battery on these things. I'm sorry, I've got to recharge this. [SCENE_BREAK] Susan: I get it. Last time I had a job, I remember I hated the boss' wife. Of course, she was married to Robert. [SCENE_BREAK] Susan: Your employees don't seem to be taking to me. Robert: Andy! Andy, could you step in here, please? We'll fix this. Andy: [in robot voice] What is going on? Robert: [chuckles] Please. Andrew, my wife... has brought up an issue that requires your attention. So, uh, if you'll excuse me, I should step out, get to the ATM before that homeless man sets up camp for the night. Andy: Okey-dokey, artichokey. You hate it, don't you? Susan: Do you not want me here? Andy: Why would you say that? Susan: It's okay. I understand. I'm not sure how I would feel about having the boss' wife work for me either. Andy: It's not that, exactly. Susan: But it is something. Andy: Let's just say that if you don't want to work here, I am totally prepared to respect that. Susan: Why would you not want me working here? Andy: I don't know. [chuckles] Susan: I think I understand what you're going through. My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can't he? Andy: Yes! The dude is an enigma. Susan: Mm-hmm. So he is mixed up in this, isn't he? Andy: Ah... [stammers] Susan: Got it. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: What do you think you're doing? Darryl: Getting my sweat on. Dwight: I build you this temple to the human body, and you're lifting what, five pounds? Darryl: I just did, like, 35 minutes on the treadmill. Dwight: I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was? Darryl: No. Dwight: Eight minutes! Darryl: Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week, I figure I'll start slow. Dwight: Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? [points] I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I'm gonna make you look like Lebron James! Darryl: It's Lejon Brames. Dwight: That's what I said. Darryl: You know, get it right. Dwight: I know. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [to Susan] Cameras... Robert: [enters] Oh, still here. Terrific. Susan: Andy and I had a great conversation. And I just want to let you know that I am not going to be working here. Robert: Well that's a shame. Andy: It just was one of those things- Susan: Is it? Because we talked about it and it seems like that might be what you want. Which is fine. Robert: Where did this come from? Did Andy say that? Susan: No, he did not, but I could tell he was struggling to understand what was expected of him. Robert: What's the struggle? He made a great call, hired a great person. Susan: You sure about that? Robert: Absolutely. Susan: No games? Robert: No games. Susan: Because Andy seemed to think there was some information he was not able to share with me. Robert: Okay, enough of this. I mean, really, enough. It's gotten way out of hand. Andrew, this is my wife. Whatever privacy you were trying to protect between us, I thank you for. But it is not welcome right now. Just be honest. Susan: Andy? Andy: Yes? Susan: Why do you keep looking at my husband? Robert: Andy, just answer the question. Andy: No games? Robert: No games. Andy: Okay. I mean, it was kind of funny, actually. Robert storms in and he says, "in four seconds, my wife's gonna be in here. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen." [laughs] Robert: You lying son of a bitch! [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Tell my wife you're lying. Andy: I am lying. I am a compulsive liar. Susan: That's not true, is it? Andy: No, it's not. I tell the truth most of the time and I was just telling the truth about your husband. Jim knows. He was there. Robert: This is preposterous. Susan: Robert... Robert: Let's get Jim in here. [Jim shoves out of fram in his chair, Robert looks for Jim] Where's Jim? Erin: He just rolled out and crawled out. Robert: Can you call security, tell 'em to keep an eye out for him? Time to settle this. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [to Hank who is closing the gate] Oh wait, wait, wait! Hold on, hold on. I just need to get through. Just real quick. Real quick, open... uh, okay. [runs] [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: [sees Jim's abandoned car] That's weird. Well, he's gotta be around here somewhere. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [shoe falls while climbing ladder] Oh. Ow. Ow. Ow. [grunts] Creed. I was never here, all right? Creed: Okay. What about your friend? Jim: Oh boy. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: This is my gym, my rules. You do exactly as I say, no questions asked. Darryl: Yeah, I'm gonna ask questions and I might not do what you say. Dwight: First thing, we're gonna stretch the pelvic bowl. Ready? Get down on the floor. Darryl: Okay, I'm not doing that. Dwight: Really? Too embarrassing for you? Huh? You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz? Well how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl! Gabe: I didn't know Darryl joined. Darryl: Looks that way. Gabe: Nice pelvic bowl. Deep. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Hello Jim. [Jim tries to escape] Andy: [grabs Jim's leg] No, no. No, no, no! Don't! Damn it, Tuna! [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: So I think you know what we want to know. Jim: Do I? Robert: Yes. Jim: [mutters] I know, I do. Andy: Jim, I've had enough of your unhelpfulness. Jim: I really wish I could help. I'm not really sure how I can... Susan: For God's sake, did Robert tell you that he didn't want me working here? Jim: That's the thing. See, I didn't want to get in the middle of this. Still don't. But here's something: I feel that maybe, if we take a step back, this is a simple case of anxiety to work with a spouse. Andy: [laughs] I think we've got ourselves an answer. Robert: No. Andy: That makes complete sense. Thank you all for a wonderful day. Jim: Perfect! Susan: Jim... Jim: Yes? Susan: Answer the question, please. Jim: [sighs] I don't know what you want me to tell you. To be really honest, my wife works here. And I love it. She literally makes me work harder. She makes me smarter. She makes me remember why I'm here. And between us, she's on maternity leave right now, and I would love to leave this room and see her face. I would love it. I don't know how this helps, but it's just what I'm thinking. Robert: All right. Thanks. Jim: Yes. All right. Great. [leaves] Andy: Uh... Robert: Yeah. Andy: Yep. [SCENE_BREAK] Susan: [Robert holds the door, she walks through] Thank you. [leaves] Robert: [claps Andy's shoulder] Heh. [SCENE_BREAK] Susan: Andy. Andy: Hey, Mrs. California. Susan: Hey. Uh, I'm sorry about the position you were put in today. Andy: You know, honestly, we all wanted you to work there. Except for him. Especially me. Susan: Yeah, I thought we really hit it off. Andy: Yeah. Susan: Well, different circumstances. Andy: Yeah. Susan: Who knows? Andy: Who knows? Susan: Maybe after all this settles down... Andy: Totally. Susan: It's a date. Andy: Hmm? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: You're nothing! You're so weak, you call yourself a man? Huh? Darryl: This doesn't help me. I don't respond to that kind of strategy. Dwight: Okay, fine. Finish your set on your own and never come back to my gym again! Darryl: Dwight, come back and spot me. Dwight: All right, I'll help you. But first, you gotta tell me what your goal is. What do you want? Darryl: To push this bar up. Dwight: No! Because if that was the case, the bar would be up by now. What is your goal? Darryl: Help me! Dwight: What do you want!?! Darryl: To look good for Val! Dwight: Val Kilmer? I don't buy it. That doesn't make any sense. Wow... I figured out your goal. I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen.

Robert tries to get Andy to not give his wife, Susan ( Maura Tierney ), a job in the office. After a confusing interview, Andy relents and gives Susan a job, and California is furious. After Susan learns the truth, she and California have a major fight. Meanwhile, Dwight opens a gym in the building and makes Darryl join in hopes of getting other office members to follow.

fd_Alias_03x14

fd_Alias_03x14_0

INT. VAUGHN'S HOME - NIGHT Lauren's phone vibrates. Lauren turns on a lamp. Vaughn's sitting in a chair messing with a watch. LAUREN: Michael, what are you doing? (looks at phone) Sometimes I hate my job. LAUREN: Baby, what's going on? VAUGHN: You know how doctors always make you wait? LAUREN: What? VAUGHN: When you go in for an appointment. My dad hated that. He used to say he'd always kept his appointments, and everyone else should do the same. LAUREN: You okay? VAUGHN: Yeah. I just... I was looking for my house keys and I found this (the watch). LAUREN: Why were you looking for your house keys? VAUGHN: I couldn't sleep. I thought I'd go for a jog. LARUEN: What time is it? VAUGHN: I dunno. It's broken. LAUREN: Are you sure you're alright? VAUGHN: Yeah, I'm fine. They kiss. VAUGHN: I'll see you later. Lauren calls Sark back. LAUREN: This better be good. SARK: And a good morning to you, too. LAUREN: You paged me on my NSC cell phone. You know that they track all incoming numbers. SARK: This cell phone's been cloned, so you have nothing to worry about. We've just learned that a freelance munitions expert has created a cutting edge technology, one that he's since sold to one of our rivals. We need you to filter back any CIA intel that might help us get a lock on it. LAUREN: You called me to remind me to do my job? SARK: Darling, it's not like that. LAUREN: (sarcastically) Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ROTUNDA - DAY WEISS: Will he ever open his eyes? MARSHALL: Babies sleep, Weiss, you know. That's what they do, except when they're screaming. Last night, from midnight to six. SYDNEY: He's gorgeous, Marshall. MARSHALL: Thanks. SYDNEY: Isn't he beautiful? Sydney hands the picture they've been passing around to Vaughn. VAUGHN: Looks like he has my nose. LAUREN: Oh, look at him. MARSHALL: Thanks. You know, last night he looked at me. He barely opened his eyes, but... I swear to God guys, Mitchell's a genius. MARSHALL: Oh, Mr. Bristow! Take a look. It's Mitchell. He's my guy. JACK: Cute. MARSHALL: Thanks. SYDNEY: Your tie's on backwards. MARSHALL: Oh, I didn't get a lot of sleep... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ROTUNDA - BRIEFING ROOM - DAY DIXON: You're familiar with the Shining Sword? WEISS: Fundamentalist terror network based in the Philippines. VAUGHN: They've been dormant since the Bali bombings of '02. Are they operational again? DIXON: Earlier today, we intercepted a burst transmission which indicates an operative of Shining Sword has acquired a plasma charge. SYDNEY: Plasma charge? I thought those were only theoretical. DIXON: According to the burst transmission, the operative is shipping the bomb to one of their European cells. MARSHALL: The transmission included specs. Now, believe it or not, these schematics are two times scale, meaning this device is only six inches in diameter, but it packs a wallop. Now this is a conservative interpolation of the damage it would cause if detonated, and this doesn't account for fires or collateral explosions. And... A picture of Marshall holding his son is next in the slideshow. MARSHALL: Sorry, I don't know how that got in there. That was at breakfast, Mitchell... LAUREN: Is the bomb being shipped trans-Pacific or via the Atlantic? JACK: We don't know, but we traced the transmission to a digital storage facility in Vancouver where the Shining Sword operative maintains his database. WEISS: Were we able to hack in? MARSHALL: Well, DigiStash is basically a self-storage facility for digital files: corporate records, medical databases, that sort of stuff. So their firewall's state of the art. I wouldn't be able to hack the database unless someone on the inside were to open up a port. DIXON: Sydney, Vaughn. You'll go to the facility looking to lease vault space. Once inside, you'll uplink with Marshall. Now, if we're lucky, the operative will have archived the details of the shipment, and we can intercept the bomb before it's delivered. MARSHALL: Should I tell the, uh... I had a great idea what you guys should... MARSHALL: I think you should pose as radio-astronomers, you know, looking to back up your recordings of interplanetary noise. Now, I came up with a little cheat sheet that should help you, and you can review this en route. DIXON: And one more thing. The Covenant may have intercepted CIA intelligence regarding our mission in North Korea and our pursuit of the Doleac Agenda. Langley has assigned a counterintelligence team to determine whether someone within the Agency has been leaking information. Jack will run point on their investigation inside this office. We survey the agent's faces as the news settles. Lauren accepts the news most evenly of all. JACK: Marshall, Lauren, I've scheduled you in the first round of interviews. You'll be available later this afternoon? LAUREN: Actually, I'm due in D.C. tonight for an NSC briefing. But I'll call and tell them I can't make it. JACK: That's okay... as soon as you return, then. Weiss, you'll go instead. Weiss nods, okay. Vaughn looks to Lauren. Clearly, this trip was news to him. But more than that, his face is tinged with a hint of sadness. DIXON: Good. Let's get moving. The meeting is adjourned -- [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ROTUNDA - DAY Lauren is first out of the Briefing Room. She quickly crosses the space. Sydney follows, anxious. SYDNEY: Lauren, we need to talk. Lauren? (Lauren keeps walking) *22:58 (dup) *LAUREN: Everything I needed to say, I've already said. *SYDNEY: Then here's my turn: the implication that somehow I've set out to undermine your marriage is wrong and unfair. I've done nothing but respect the relationship that you and Vaughn have. *Sydney and Lauren glance over and see Vaughn looking at Sydney. *LAUREN: You were saying? *SYDNEY: Vaughn and I have a history, a complicated one. I can't deny that, but I won't apologize for it either. If your marriage is in trouble, if you and Vaughn are having problems, I suggest you leave me out of it and take it up with your husband. [SCENE_BREAK] *INT. ROTUNDA - ALCOVE - DAY *Lauren on her cell phone. *LAUREN: Are you ready for our first job as senior management? *SARK: You're so ambitious, I love it. *LAUREN: The job's in Vancouver. Requires a breach of a data storage facility. *SARK: Really? What's the prize? *LAUREN: A plasma charge. Next generation destructive power. *SARK: I thought those were just theoretical. *LAUREN: Apparently not in Vancouver. *SARK: Alright. I'll meet you there in four hours. *LAUREN: Three. We have to be first in line. The CIA's sending agents. *SARK: Who? *LAUREN: One guess. *SARK: Sweetheart, this should be fun. *LAUREN: I'll see you in Vancouver. Don't be late or call me sweetheart. *SARK: Ambitious and domineering. Fantastic. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ROTUNDA - DAY (matches up with the above duplicated section, at 22:58) WEISS: How are you doing? VAUGHN: Fine. WEISS: Hey, guess what? It's me. Come on, how're you doing? VAUGHN: I'm hanging in there. WEISS: How's Lauren about it? VAUGHN: She didn't remember. WEISS: And, you didn't say anything? VAUGHN: No. I mean, she's got a lot on her mind. WEISS: Yeah, that's probably it. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. ZURICH, SWITZERLAND (no pushthrough) - DAY Dr. Barnett walks down some steps, gets a call on her cell phone. BARNETT: Hello? SLOANE: Dr. Barnett. This is Arvin Sloane. I'm calling to apologize for my discourteous behavior the other day when we met. I am not accustomed to just simply sitting around talking. BARNETT: Not everyone is. SLOANE: Yeah. Actually, it would have been much more simple if there had been a bottle of Chateau Brion on the table. BARNETT: Excuse me? SLOANE: I'm suggesting that we talk over dinner. You know, in vino veritas? I know a lovely little out-of-the-way restaurant in a former sewing machine factory. It's called Brasserie Al Pontio(?). I'm hoping you enjoy French cuisine. BARNETT: Well that wouldn't be very professional. SLOANE: Well, why don't you consider it an office with food? After all, psychoanalysts do eat dinner, don't they? Zurich is such a lovely city. It would be criminal for you to dine alone. SLOANE: At any rate, you know the name of the restaurant. I shall be there at eight o'clock, and I... I'm hoping you'll join me. Goodbye, Dr. Barnett. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STORAGE FACILITY - VANCOUVER, CANADA (pushthrough: C) - DAY roughly 24:37 Lauren and Sark pull an Ethan Hunt, dropping down from the ceiling behind a guard and stabbing the data storage guard's in the neck (c-spine). SARK: How long before Sydney and Vaughn get here? LAUREN: Twenty minutes, if that. SARK: Well, you'd better show me the meaning of haste. LAUREN: Once we have the transport information, I'll corrupt the files and leave the CIA blind. SARK: It looks like another black mark on your husband's record. How's it feel to systematically ruin a man from the inside out? LAUREN: It wouldn't be the first time. Buzz me in to 2201. There's an additional number on a black placard on the wall below the room number: [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STORAGE FACILITY - VANCOUVER, CANADA (pushthrough: O) - DAY EMPLOYEE: So, you're looking for alien life? Sydney has a ridiculous geek/nerd accent and an equally ridiculous short skirt. SYDNEY: In a manner of speaking. Our radio telescopes inspect the cosmos looking to detect artificially generated signals, basically anything below 300 hertz. Don't worry, the alien invasion is still a few months away. [SCENE_BREAK] VAUGHN: As we discussed over the phone, our telescopes gather over 350GB of information per day. EMPLOYEE: Not a problem. Our vaults are designed to accommodate teraflops (sic). You could store 20 years of data in the vaults you've leased. (to a guard) Number 2289, please, Luc. Back to Vaughn. EMPLOYEE: It is backed up twice daily; the servers are monitored around the clock. Climate control, fire suppression, all state of the art. The interface is hot-swappable. [SCENE_BREAK] *LAUREN: (to herself) Hurry, hurry. *SARK: Husband and sweetheart are early. They're headed for room 2289. *LAUREN: Planting the virus now. Get out and get the car ready. *SARK: You are so controlling. *LAUREN: Move it. I'm right behind you. VAUGHN: Great. EMPLOYEE: If you need anything, you can call me. VAUGHN: Thank you. They go into room 2289. The employee stays outside. EMPLOYEE: (looks at guard station and doesn't see anyone) Luc? [SCENE_BREAK] *EMPLOYEE: Luc? Luc? (to walkie) Has anyone seen Luc? The employee sees blood running out from under the guard's desk. EMPLOYEE: God. Lauren appears and points a gun at him. Might be a Sig. *LAUREN: Drop the walkie. *EMPLOYEE: Please, don't hurt me. *Lauren tosses him a Beretta or clone. *LAUREN: You think about pointing that gun at me and I'll shoot you in the heart. The couple in room 2289, when they come out, I want you to kill them both. *EMPLOYEE: What? *LAUREN: Or you die. It's your choice. *EMPLOYEE: But I haven't shot a gun... *LAUREN: This isn't a negotiation. *EMPLOYEE: Okay. Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ROOM 2289 - VANCOUVER, CANADA - DAY MARSHALL: Okay, guys. Let me know when you're connected to the mainframe. SYDNEY: Copy that. MARHSALL: Mmm hmm. Okay, once we download the shipping information, we should be able to pinpoint the location of the plasma charge. SYDNEY: Connection established. MARSHALL: Oh, listen. I wanted to ask you something... the truth, now. Your science geek character, was that supposed to be me? SYDNEY: Your son. MARSHALL: Funny. Although that would be pretty cool, don't you think, little Mitchell working side-by-side with old man. SYDNEY: We're downloading now. MARSHALL: I see it. Another 15 seconds. Something weird happens to the screens. SYDNEY: Marshall, what's happening? MARSHALL: I dunno. There's someone else in the system with you. VAUGHN: Here, from our end? MARSHALL: Has to be. There's no other way to access the files. I think they just planted a virus. It has to be the Covenant. SYDNEY: The mole must have leaked our intel. They beat us here. MARSHALL: You guys, listen to me. Disconnect from their system before their virus affects our copy. SYDNEY: Did we get the shipping information? MARSHALL: I'm not sure. I'll have to see if I can reconstruct the data from what we've got. VAUGHN: Let's get out of here. They leave the room. The employee is acting a bit freaky, shaking and wincing. EMPLOYEE: Please, don't do this. The employee shoots at Sydney and Vaughn, who duck back into the room. They hear a single gunshot from a different gun. (the employee had a Beretta or clone) They go into the hallway again, and see the employee shot dead on the floor. They hear a door close. It looks like Sydney might have a glock 19 or 23. SYDNEY: The shooter. They go after the shooter. SYDNEY: There. Vaughn. They're on a roof in a parking lot. SYDNEY: The F-150! *27:45 carchase view 2 --- *Lots of shots that weren't in view 1, below. Sark and Lauren are shown in the Thunderbird. They weren't before. Sydney shoots out the SarkLaurenmobile's back windshield. *LAUREN: They're right behind us. *SARK: Yes, thank you. I can see that. *after the carchase... Lauren's awfully excited. *LAUREN: Stop the car! *SARK: What are you talking about? *LAUREN: Stop the car, now. Pull in here. *They start making out. Hard cut... *INT. HOTEL ROOM - VANCOUVER - DAY *Sark and Lauren in bed. Car chase view 1. F-150 vs Thunderbird. The thunderbird gets away. SYDNEY: Vaughn! Vaughn runs into a car while trying to exit the garage. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ROTUNDA - DAY SYDNEY: How much of the data did we get our hands on? MARSHALL: Looks like 63 percent give or take a few megs. Oh, I slept 20 minutes last night, FYI. VAUGHN: How long before you can extrapolate the rest? MARSHALL: Well, I ran the code through a high-grade algebra... err, algorithms. But you should look at this, stare at this. It's like a lava lamp. I passed out before when I... SYDNEY: Marshall, how long? MARSHALL: 12 hours? SYDNEY: We don't have 12 hours. If the Covenant gets their hands on the plasma charge... MARSHALL: Sydney, I know. The decryption program will work, but it just requires a little time. Marshall finishes a cup of coffee. MARSHALL: I'm out of coffee. I had twelve cups, but I'm not feeling anything. You'd think... caffeine would... shake... the real deal. Do you guys want...? SYDNEY: No, thank you. MARSHALL: Oh, uh, by the way, after six hours in the hot seat with the boys from counterintelligence, Langley has declared me exhausted but free from suspicion. VAUGHN: Never had a doubt in my mind. Marshall exet. SYDNEY: Is something wrong? VAUGHN: No. I'm just getting old, I guess. SYDNEY: You expect me to believe that? VAUGHN: I've just had a lot on my mind lately, that's all. It'll pass. SYDNEY: Yesterday was the day, wasn't it? The anniversary of your father's death? VAUGHN: How could you remember that? SYDNEY: I remember what missing him does to you. Vaughn gets a phone call. It's Lauren. He leaves. VAUGHN: Hey. LAUREN: How's your day? VAUGHN: Frustrating. Hit a bit of a roadblock. LAUREN: Anything I can help you with? VAUGHN: No, but thanks for asking. LAUREN: Michael, would you mind holding a second? VAUGHN: No, go ahead. [SCENE_BREAK] *Lauren's in bed with Sark (or maybe Sark's in bed with Lauren, it's tough to tell). *LAUREN: I'm working. *Sark kisses her. LAUREN: Sweetheart, I'm sorry but I'm being called away. I love you. Sydney leaves Marshall's office and walks by Vaughn. VAUGHN: You too. *SARK: Tell me, did they spot us? *LAUREN: No, I don't think so. According to the transport order, the ship docks in 16 hours. We should get going. *SARK: You should know that you are amazing. Before, I mean. *SARK: Typically, this is where you return the compliment. *Lauren ignores him and gets out of bed. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RESTAURANT - ZURICH, SWITZERLAND (no pushthrough) - NIGHT Sloane's drinking wine alone at a restaurant. The visual set-up shows a fountain by a restaurant, named Occidental. Barnett arrives at the restaurant in a revealing dress. Presumably she thinks it'll get Sloane to talk. SLOANE: Glad you came. BARNETT: So that we're clear, I'm here for professional reasons only. SLOANE: Oh, we're clear. Although, I must say I don't necessarily believe you. BARNETT: Well, I told you that I was writing about you, but I haven't told you the premise of my thesis. SLOANE: Ah, well I would say I'm fascinated, but that would sound even maniacal, wouldn't it? (raising glass) Salut. BARNETT: You certainly have given proof that anyone can change for the better, given the proper stimuli. SLOANE: You look beautiful. Beautiful. That's just a layman's opinion, Dr. Barnett. BARNETT: All I'm saying is that you made a remarkable transformation, master spy to humanitarian. SLOANE: Yeah. Well, sometimes I wonder which is harder. BARNETT: The Rambaldi device was instrumental in your transformations? SLOANE: Oh yes, it was critical. BARNETT: It only revealed one word to you? Peace? SLOANE: That's correct. BARNETT: And yet there were eight yards of parchment scroll before the message appeared. What was on that? SLOANE: Oh, it was nothing, blank paper, sort of the equivalent of leader tape on a cassette. I discarded it. BARNETT: I'm not sure why you did that. You could have studied it, sold it, kept it for antiquity. It's hard to believe that you threw away something that you would normally consider holy. SLOANE: Are you calling me a liar? BARNETT: You almost revealed something to me the other day. A secret that wears on you, those were your words. Sloane turns cold and menacing. The music changes and sounds ominous. SLOANE: I am not your patient, your client, or your lab rat. Now, we can speak in generalities, have an elegant meal, perhaps laugh together, but there are some truths you will never learn from me. Do you understand that? You must be ravenous. I suggest the Barbarie Duckling. It's their signature dish. BARNETT: This was a mistake. Sorry. * 32:00 ish (2nd view.) Barnett leaves. She approaches the coatcheck area. *BARNETT: Hi. Can I get my coat, please? *SLOANE: Until I turned into a complete son of a b****, we were having a wonderful evening. *BARNETT: Something we can both agree on. *SLOANE: Though I am now known as a humanitarian -- your words, not mine -- I sometimes regress. Dr. Barnett, I'm sorry I snapped at you. Trusting you, trusting anyone, will take time. You know so much about me. I know almost nothing about you. I want to, very much. *BARNETT: I'm not sure I can understand how your manipulating this date can help you gain my trust. Coatcheck girl hands Barnett her coat. *BARNETT: (to coatcheck girl) Can you excuse us for a moment? Thanks. *SLOANE: You want my secret? I'll tell you, but only you. I have betrayed people, many of whom deserved it. But only one didn't. It was a long time ago. I sometimes try to convince myself that it was worth it, that she was worth it. *BARNETT: What is this, you had an affair? *SLOANE: Yes. It was Irina Derevko. Sydney's mother. Jack never knew. Emily, my wife, she never knew. Irina and I pledged to take that secret to our graves. *BARNETT: Are you telling me Sydney is your daughter? *SLOANE: I never tried to prove it, one way or the other. But the strength that Sydney finds within, I like to believe that comes from me. Hmm, how about that. The world didn't come to an end. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ROTUNDA [SCENE_BREAK] MARSHALL: Now there are still several hundred gigabytes to decipher, but I was at least able to decode this. He hands Sydney a sheet of paper. SYDNEY: Freighter. Liberian registry. Will dock in Lisbon. 14 hours. VAUGHN: How do we locate the bomb? MARSHALL: With this. It is a modified explosives sniffer. I've added plasma to the list of detectable compounds that it detects, you know, like semtex, dynamite, HMX. It works just like a normal tracking device. When you're within 100 feet, blink blink blink, found the prize in the ? sack. VAUGHN: hundred feet. MARSHALL: Sorry, I would have done better if I'd had more sleep. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. LISBON, PORTUGAL (pushthrough - O) - NIGHT Sydney shoots a guard with a tranq. SYDNEY: Base ops, this is mountaineer. We're on board. DIXON: We have you five-by, mountaineer. MARSHALL: Perimeter is clear. Now let's fire up that sniffer and find the bomb, baby. VAUGHN: Hot or cold? SYDNEY: Freezing. *SARK: It's a tranquilizer dart. Humanitarian work at the CIA. *LAUREN: Let's go. SYDNEY: Wait I think we've got something. Towards the stern, 30 yards below us. SYDNEY: We've got tone, below deck, possibly the engine room. DIXON: Copy that, proceed. *SARK: We can't let them go below deck. Someone shoots Vaughn. DIXON: Mountaineer, boyscout, report! Sydney drags Vaughn inside the freighter and locks the door. DIXON: Sydney, do you copy? SYDNEY: (ignoring him) Vaughn, are you okay? Vaughn? VAUGHN: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm glad I wore the vest. We have to get the bomb. *SARK: Meet me in the engine room. *LAUREN: I'm going to the upper deck. SYDNEY: It's just ahead. VAUGHN: Go to the engine room. I'll cover. Sydney tracks down a case with the bomb in it, opens the case. SYDNEY: It's secured. I'm going to need a minute. Above Sydney and the bomb, Vaughn finds a masked figure. VAUGHN: Freeze. VAUGHN: Drop the gun. VAUGHN: Put your hands in the air. Put your hands in the air! VAUGHN: Turn around slowly. Turn around! VAUGHN: Take off the mask. Do it, take off the mask. It's obviously Lauren. Not obvious to Vaughn, though. Below... Sark's holding Sydney at gunpoint. SARK: Put the gun down, Agent Vaughn. Drop the gun. VAUGHN: Not a chance, you drop yours. SARK: Put the gun down now. SYDNEY: No, Vaughn, don't! SARK: Drop it. If you love her, you will put the gun down now. Masked figure looks at Vaughn. SYDNEY: Vaughn, don't! Vaughn drops the gun. The masked figure hits Vaughn. Sydney escapes. SYDNEY: Sark's got the bomb. VAUGHN: You go after him, I'm going to cut off Sark. SYDNEY: Got it. Gunshots, gunshots, chasing. SYDNEY: I've lost mine. Sark is climbinb up a ladder when he's caught by Vaughn. VAUGHN: Freeze! Give me the bomb. Give it to me. Sark activates the explosive. SARK: With pleasure. Sark tosses the bomb to Vaughn, then runs away. VAUGHN: Sark activated the bomb. I've got to defuse it. MARSHALL: Okay, describe it to me. VAUGHN: It looks sort of like a VS-5 landmine, but with a timer attached. We have 40 seconds. DIXON: Vaughn, find the power source. MARSHALL: Yeah, a battery, something like that. VAUGHN: There's something here, it looks like a cell phone wrapped in fiber optics. MARSHALL: No nonono, don't touch that. DIXON: He's right. It's a secondary trigger. VAUGHN: 33 seconds. MARSHALL: Okay, find the blue wire attached to the screw and then open up the valve near the stem. VAUGHN: Alright. I did that. It's still ticking. We have fourteen seconds. MARSHALL: Alright, listen. You're going to short it. Strip the black wire and the red wire and then attach them together. VAUGHN: I don't know if I'm going to have time to do that. MARSHALL: No, you can do it. You can do it, you can do it, you can do it, Vaughn. You can do it, you can do it. Sydney walks up as Vaughn manages to short the explosive. VAUGHN: Plasma charge is secure. MARSHALL: See? Told you you could do it. [SCENE_BREAK] INT LAUREN: You're an angel for waiting. (kiss) VAUGHN: No problem. I had good company. He holds up a beer bottle. VAUGHN: How was Washington? LAUREN: Awful. I'm happy now that I'm home with you. VAUGHN: Me too. Lauren's cell phone rings. LAUREN: I'm sorry. VAUGHN: It's okay. LAUREN: Hello? SARK: It killed you, didn't it, seeing him drop the gun for Sydney. LAUREN: No it isn't a good time, can I call you in the morning? SARK: He's there with you, is that it? Though he'd rather be with her. You know, it's quite a charade you two are engaged in. LAUREN: I think we both know how dedicated I am to this assignment. If you have any issues, take it up through the proper channels. SAKR: Don't mistake me. It's not your dedication that I question. LAUREN: We'll talk about this later. LAUREN: Sorry about that. Work is officially over. Lauren kisses him. VAUGHN: What was that for? LAUREN: I just miss you. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ROTUNDA - NIGHT. SYDNEY: I thought you'd be home by now. JACK: I was about to say the same to you. The plasma charge, it's in our hands. SYDNEY: Sark isn't... the Covenant. JACK: Have you had dinner? If memory serves, you always liked Mitchellis. SYDNEY: I haven't eaten there since I was eight. JACK: I do eat, you know. SYDNEY: I'd like that, actually. They walk out.

The CIA intercepts a communication suggesting that a terrorist organization, Shining Sword, has a plasma charge weapon. Sydney and Vaughn access a secure data facility to download information but their access is cut short by a Covenant operative who escapes after a car chase. They trace the weapon to a ship but Vaughn is shot while on board. The story is then replayed, with additional scenes showing Lauren's involvement in the operation. She had leaked information, it was her in the secure data facility and it was she and Sark that had escaped in the car. Lauren is aroused by the operation and makes love with Sark. Back aboard the ship, Sark and Lauren attempt to stop Sydney and Vaughn. Vaughn gets the upper hand, demanding that Lauren remove her mask but before Lauren reveals her identity, Sark threatens to kill Sydney. Sark and Lauren escape, arming the weapon which Vaughn disables with Marshall's remote assistance. Sloane meets Dr. Barnett, revealing that he had an affair with Irina Derevko and that Sydney may be his daughter.

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_03x13

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_03x13_0

Prologue: A cave. There is a thick mist obscuring the view. A red-eyed, bluish- gray skinned demon angrily searches through the fog for those who have attacked it and its kindred, two of which already lie dead on the cave's floor. Faith is standing in an alcove watching the demon's movements. Buffy is up on a ledge, watching the demon anxiously. Giles is off in a corner waiting for the right moment. Willow slowly steps around the corner of the cave entrance carrying a large lit candle. When she's in view of the main chamber and senses the moment is right, she quietly speaks her spell. Willow: Obscurate nos non diutius. Translation: Do not conceal any longer. She blows out the candle, and a wind quickly sucks the fog out of the cave. The demon is now clearly visible to everyone. Its teeth are sharp, yet there are no fangs. It has very long pointed ears and a series of horns starting just above its eyes and continuing up on its high, thick forehead. It growls as it turns around, trying to get a clear look at what's there. When it's facing her, Buffy jumps from the ledge and tackles the demon to the ground. Giles comes out of his corner and grabs one of its arms. Buffy grabs the other as she scrambles to her feet, and together they drag the demon up and slam it against a wall. It wraps its arm around Giles' shoulder and throws him off. He hits an adjacent wall and falls to the ground. Buffy: (yells) Now! Faith comes out of her alcove holding a sword up in both hands and charges the demon. Before it can react, Faith has plunged the sword through its heart. The demon screams in agony. Giles looks up and watches as Faith pulls the sword back out of the demon's chest. Buffy releases it and allows it to fall. Giles rolls out of the way as it hits face down on the ground. He rolls back a bit and looks at the body lying next to him. Faith lowers her sword. Buffy looks down at the demon, relieved that the fight is over. Giles: I think that was the last. Willow comes in from the entrance, visibly shaken but trying to cover it with a smile. Buffy bends down to help up Giles. Buffy: Willow, you okay? Willow: (breathing hard) Yeah, I'm fine. Th-the shaking is, is a side effect of the fear. Giles: (on his feet) Thank you. (takes off his glasses and rubs his brow) Buffy: Well, if it wasn't for that clouding spell... Willow: (smiles) Yeah, it went good! (glances at the candle) Nothing melted like last time. Faith: These babes were wicked rowdy. What's their deal? Giles: I wish I knew. He crouches down and rolls the demon over to get a good look at it. Faith looks with disgust at another one of them. Giles: Most of my sources have dried up since the, uh, Council has relieved me of my duties. I was aware there was a nest here, but quite frankly, I expected it to be vampires. These, these are new. Buffy: And improved. Giles: (stands up) Yes. I'm sorry. I should've had you better prepared, and I should never have allowed Willow and, uh... (looks around) And, uh... They all realize that Xander is nowhere to be seen. Just then they hear something stirring under a pile of garbage. There they see Xander crawling out from under a collapsed cardboard box and other refuse. Xander: (out of breath) I'm good. We're fine. (gets up) Just a little bit dirty. (gives two thumbs up) Good show, everyone. (staggers out into the cave) Just great. I think we have a hit. Willow: (concerned) Are you okay? Xander: Tip-top, (exhales) really. If anyone sees my spine laying around, just try not to step on it. Buffy: (worried) Xander, one of these days, you're gonna get yourself hurt. Faith: Or killed. Buffy: Or both. A-and, you know, with the pain and the death, maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. M-maybe you should be... fray-adjacent. Xander: (slightly miffed) Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head? Faith: Yeah. That was real manly how you shrieked and all. Xander: (haughtily) I think you'll find that was more of a bellow. Buffy: Uh, what do we do with the trio here? Should we burn them? Willow: (smiles) I brought marshmallows. Everyone gives her a surprised look. Giles puts his glasses back on. Willow: (with dignity) Occasionally, I'm callous and strange. Giles: I expect we can leave them. I'm more interested in finding out what they are, and whether we can expect more of their kind. Buffy: (starts out of the cave) I hope not. They're *way* too fit. Faith is right behind her. Xander: I say bring 'em on! Willow follows the Slayers out. Giles steps up to Xander and puts his hand on his shoulder. Giles: Uh, Xander, I think in the future perhaps it would be best if you, you, uh, h-hung back to the rear of the battle, you know, for your own sake. He lets go of the boy and takes one more look around before following the others out. Xander is just ahead of him. Xander: (facetiously) But, gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories, I'll *never* be a good reporter. Giles: (not getting it) Hmm? Xander: Jimmy Olsen joke, sir. Pretty much gonna be lost on you, huh? Giles: Sorry. Xander: Hey, it's okay. They continue walking out. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High School. Cut to a lawn area between two of the buildings. It's lunch hour, and two jocks are throwing a football back and forth. Xander hops around, trying to get their attention. Xander: Hey, Doug, pass me one! Doug just gives him an annoyed look and throws the ball back to the other jock. Xander: Les-man, I'm open! A cheerleader looks over at him to see what the fuss is about. Xander: Les, buddy! Les ignores him and throws the ball back to Doug. Xander: Doug, right here, man. Right here. Doug is about to throw the ball back to Les. Xander: Doug, please! Doug sighs and gives in. He throws the ball high and long. Xander has to run for it. Xander: Alright! It's all me! He gets to the ball in time, but fumbles the catch. The ball bounces awkwardly away from him and over to Jack O'Toole, sitting alone eating his lunch. The ball hits Jack in the hands, knocking his bag of chips to the ground. He looks down at his scattered chips in surprise and snatches up the ball. Xander stops running and steps up to him. Jack stands up, holding the ball in his hands. Xander: Boy, I am *so* sorry. Doug's arm is kinda like spaghetti. (chuckles) We're all so very sad for him. (grins) Is your lunch okay? Jack: (not amused) What are you, retarded? Xander: No! No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything. (points down) Can I get you another soda? Jack: I oughtta cut your face open. Xander: (nervous) Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa... It was an accident. Cool down. Jack: (smiles thinly) You wanna be startin' somethin'? Xander: What? Starting something? (grins) Like that Michael Jackson song, right? (chuckles) That was a lot of fun. 'Too high to get over, yeah, yeah...' Remember that fun song? Jack takes a step toward him. Xander steps away nervously. Jack: I get my buddies together, we're gonna kick your ass till it's a brand-new shape. Xander knows he's not kidding. Jack tosses the ball to him hard. Jack: Now get outta here. Xander wastes no time walking away. Doug: Yo, man, the ball! Xander throws it to him. Cordelia is right there, and he steps over to her. Cordelia: Boy, of all the humiliations you've had I've witnessed, that was the latest. Xander: (points back at Jack) I could've taken him. Cordelia: Oh, please. O'Toole would macrame' your face. He is a psycho. Which is still a lot cooler than being a wuss. Xander: (glances at Jack) Why is it that I've come face-to-face with vampires, demons, the most hideous creatures Hell ever spit out, and I'm still afraid of a little bully like Jack O'Toole? Cordelia: Because, unlike all those creatures that you've come face-to- face with, Jack actually noticed you were there. Xander: Why am I surprised by how comforting you're not? Cordelia: It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers -- Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires -- and you're, like, this little nothing. (Xander looks down) You must feel like Jimmy Olsen. Xander: (chuckles) I was just talking to... (suddenly offended) Hey, mind your own business! Cordelia: Ooo, I struck a nerve. The boy that had no cool. Xander: I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a *lot* to offer. Cordelia: (starts to leave) Oh, please. Xander: I do! Cordelia: (stops and turns back) 'Integral part' of the group? Xander, you're the, the *useless* part of the group. You're the Zeppo. (Xander glances at Jack) 'Cool.' Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has, and you don't. She turns and walks away with a satisfied smile on her face. Xander is left in her dust. Cordelia: There was no part of that that wasn't fun. Cut to the cafeteria. Today it's kraut-dogs or spaghetti. The camera pans past the steam table as the kitchen staff doles out the food. It pans up to show Xander and Oz sitting at a table finishing their lunch. Xander: But... It's just that it's buggin' me, this 'cool' thing. (cut to them) I mean, what is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it? And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of cool? Oz: Not sure. (reaches for a chip) Xander: I mean, you yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that? Oz: Am I? (eats a chip) Xander: Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, noncommittal phrases? Oz: (considers) Could be. Xander: (smiles) I know! You're in a band! That's like a business-class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff! I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar? Oz: (shakes his head) Not the way I play it. Xander: Okay, but on the other hand: eighth grade. I'm taking the fl gelhorn and gettin' *zero* trim. So the whole instrument thing could be a mislead. (thinks) But you need a thing, one thing nobody else has. What do I have? Oz: An exciting new obsession. Which I feel makes you very special. Xander: Now with the mocking. Which I can handle because I know I'm right about this. I'm on the track. I just need to find my thing. (gets lost in thought) Oz: It seems like you're over-thinking it. I mean, you got some identity issues. It's not... Cut to the library that evening. Giles walks out of the cage past Buffy. Giles: The end of the world? (heads behind the counter) Buffy: (turns) Can they do that? (goes to the counter) Giles: They seem fairly committed. (gets a book) The Sisterhood of Jhe (brings it over) is an Apocalypse cult. They exist solely to bring about the world's destruction, and we've not seen the last of them. More will follow. Buffy: And they're here in Sunnydale for what? Demon Expo? Giles: (takes off his glasses) Buffy, this is no laughing matter. Buffy: Hence my no laughing. Giles: I'm sorry. (slips his glasses back on) I know I'm no longer your official Watcher, but... The library door opens, and they look up to see Oz come in. Oz: Hey. Buffy: Hey. The clock on the wall behind Giles shows it's 5:20pm. Giles: (checks his watch) Um, y-you're cutting it a bit close. Oz: (steps into the cage) Well, you know me. He pulls the door closed behind him. The privacy towels have already been put up. He begins to undress, starting with his jacket. Buffy: (to Giles) Well, do we know why they're here? Giles: I think so. (looks around) Based on some artifacts I, I found with them, and, um, (sees and reaches for another book) taking into account the current astral cycle... Buffy: (interrupts) Giles, I don't need to see the math. He puts down the book and steps back to the counter. Giles: (seriously) They intend to open the Hellmouth. Buffy: (looks up in surprise) The Hellmouth. The one that opens... Giles: About twenty feet from where you're standing. She looks behind her at the area where it last opened nearly two years before, where the study table stands surrounded by a semi-circle of low book shelves and the stack level behind them. Oz has turned into a werewolf and leaps up against the cage. He growls when he can't break through, looks up and howls. Cut to the front of the school the next morning. Willow and Buffy are arriving. Willow: And if it opens? Buffy: Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died? Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked. Buffy: Well, it'll be the first to come out, and Giles says it won't be the worst by a long shot. The world will be overrun with demons if we don't stop it. They start to cross the street toward the steps. Willow: Do we know when this is supposed to happen? Buffy: (shrugs) Giles is trying to narrow it down. I-if you're up for it, we're heading into deep research mode. Willow: I'd be offended if you haven't already counted me in. Buffy: Thanks, Will. There's something about this one that... scares me. (puts her arm around her friend) I need my Willow. Willow: Oh, you don't have to be afraid... They've reached the other side of the street, and both jump when they hear a car pull up behind them with the horn honking. They spin around to see what's going on. There they see Xander behind the wheel of a light blue 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air convertible, pulling it to a stop. The radio is blaring. Xander looks cool in his shades and black jacket. Xander: You girls need a lift? Buffy: What is this? Xander: What do you mean, what is it? (gestures around himself) It's my *thing*. Willow: Your thing? Xander: (emphatically) My *thing*! Buffy: (frowns uncertainly) Is this a pen1s metaphor? Xander: (sighs heavily) It's my thing that makes me cool. You know, that makes me unique. (sees their blank looks) I'm Car Guy. Guy with the car. Willow: How can you afford it? Xander: Uncle Roary stacked up the DUIs, let me rent this bad boy till he's mobile again. (turns off the radio) Buffy: (tries to smile) Well, i-it's nice. Xander: Could you sound a little less enthused? Buffy: Sorry. Willow: Evil. Xander: Big? Buffy: Biggest. Maybe more than I can handle. Xander: (pulls off his shades) Then we'll handle it together. You know I'm here for you. Just tell me what I can do. Cut to the doughnut shop. Xander stands at the counter and places his order. Xander: I'll take two glazed, two cinnamon, couple cream-filled, and a jelly. No, no, let's round that out to four jellies. The clerk pulls them out and puts them in a box. Cordelia walks in. Cordelia: (mockingly) Ooo, is some evil going on? Must be big for them to entrust you with this daredevil mission. Xander: (counts out his money) Cordelia. Feel free to drop dead of a wasting disease in the next twenty seconds. (hands it to the clerk) Cordelia: (pleased) Ooo, again, I strike the nerve. I am the surgeon of mean. Xander: (walks past her with the box) I'm kinda busy right now, okay? Cordelia: (turns around) Right. Buffy needs your help. Can you say 'expendable'? Xander: (faces her) You think you know everything. Cordelia: (steps up to the counter) I think I know you. Xander: That's a laugh. Cordelia: (tauntingly) Oh, what, you got a shiny car, and now you're someone new? Like anybody even cares about... She is interrupted by a sexy blonde approaching Xander. Lysette: Is that your car? Xander: (surprised by the attention) Why, uh... (smiles) Yes! It is! She walks around the car, checking out the equipment, surveying it closely. Lysette: '57 Chevy Bel Air... 283 CID... Solid lifter... Fuel-injected V-8... Xander: (has no idea) Uh... very possibly. Lysette: (abruptly) How does she handle? Cordelia is fascinated by this display. Xander: Like a dream about warm, sticky things. He shoots Cordelia a look. She just raises her eyebrows at him. Xander: (to the girl) Would you like to go for a little drive? Lysette: You busy? Xander: (holds up the doughnut box) Just gotta drop this stuff off, and then I would describe myself as... (making a face at Cordelia) expendable. Cordelia gives him a little huff. The blonde smiles at Xander and tilts her head, indicating he should open the door for her. He does so, giving Cordelia a glance as Lysette gets in. He closes the door and jumps up onto the back seat and scrambles over to the driver's seat. He has some difficulty sitting down with the huge steering wheel in the way, but manages well enough. Lysette doesn't care, obviously more impressed with the car than with him. Xander starts the car, puts it in drive, gives Cordelia one last look and burns a bit of rubber as he pulls away from the curb. Cut to the Bronze that evening. Xander and Lysette are sitting at a table with their drinks. He looks very bored as he listens to her chattering on. Lysette: ...and then I started seeing Dave Peck. Had a Thunderbird, engine completely tricked out, but the upholstery was kind of shot. So then I started seeing his friend Mike. Not the Mike with the Mercedes. The Mike with the Mustang. An '82 V-6. You know the look. Xander sees Angel come into the Bronze. Xander: Angel! Lysette looks toward the entrance. Xander stands up and waves him over with a smile. Xander: Buddy! Friend-buddy. (gestures at the table) You wanna sit and talk? Angel: (comes over) I'm looking for Buffy. Xander: Library, last I saw. Angel: Something's happening. I've seen portents. Xander: (grins) The Apocalypse. They're on top of it. Angel: I don't think they know what they're dealing with. Xander: Let's go there... and tell them that. Angel: No. (waves him off) It's best you stay out of harm's way. He turns and leaves. Xander: (desperate to get away) But I can help! He watches Angel go out the door. Lysette: Hey, you wanna go for another drive? That's pretty much the last thing on Xander's mind. Cut outside. Xander and Blondie come out and walk to the car parked in the alley just a short ways from the door. Xander: Y'know, it's not like I haven't helped before. Y'know, I've done some quality violence for those people. (opens the door) Do they even think about that? Lysette gets in and slides over to the passenger's side. Xander gets in and pulls the door closed. Xander: I mean... (starts it, puts it in drive) they act like I'm, like I'm some sorta klutz. He steps on the gas without even looking ahead. The car lurches forward and promptly hits the car parked in front of them. Xander slams on the brakes and puts the car into park. Xander: Oh, God! Are you alright? He gets out of the car and gingerly steps to the front of the car. There is only some slight bumper damage and a broken taillight on the other car. Xander: Oh, God! Stay calm. Little fender bender. It's not... He sees Jack O'Toole get out of the other car, looking angrily back at him. Jack just stands and stares at Xander for a long moment, letting the fear sink in. Xander: (apprehensive) ...the end of the world. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Werewolf Oz growls in his cage as he stares at Willow and Buffy sitting at the table. Willow looks over her shoulder at him. Willow: He's cranky. Buffy: It's a good night for it. Willow: Can't dogs sense when there's an earthquake, a-a-and they bark? Or cows lie down or something? (looks at Oz again) Buffy: (reads) 'Sisterhood of Jhe. Race of female demons, fierce warriors...' Eww. '...celebrate victory in battle by eating their foes.' They couldn't just pour Gatorade on each other? Giles come out of his office carrying a heavy leather bag. Giles: The Council wouldn't even take my calls. (disgusted) Idiots. (to the girls) Anything useful in the books? Buffy: Not wildly. (closes hers) Willow: We still have the Books of Pherion to go through. Giles nods. Buffy: (sets her book down) I'm getting itchy feet, Giles. We don't turn up something soon, I'm gonna hit the streets. (grabs and opens another) Maybe check out Willy's. Giles: Fine. He goes back into his office for his overcoat. Willow: Where are you going? Giles: Um, to try and contact the Spirit Guides. (takes his overcoat from its hanger) They exist out of time, but have knowledge of the future. (pulls it on) I have no idea if they will respond to my efforts, but I have to try. (comes back from his office) All we know is that the fate of the entire world rests on it. (looks into the doughnut box) Did you eat all the jellies? Buffy looks up from her book. Buffy: (innocently) Did you want a jelly? Giles: (petulantly) I always have a jelly. I'm always the one that says 'let's have a jelly in the mix.' Willow: We're sorry. (tattles quickly) Buffy had three. Buffy shoots Willow a look. Giles: No matter. (grabs his bag) If Xander makes another run... (starts to go) Buffy: No. (Giles stops) Xander's out of this. He nearly got killed last time we fought. This whole thing will be easier if we know he's safe. Cut to the alley outside of the Bronze. Jack approaches Xander menacingly. Xander: (nervously) Oh, gosh, Jack, man, are, are you okay? (points at the bumpers) I am really sorry about that. But your car came out of nowhere. Jack looks down at the damage and back up at Xander. Jack: (incredulous) I was parked. Xander: Exactly. Look, I can cover the damages. I don't have insurance in the strictest sense of the word, but I have a little money. The important thing is that we're alright and we can work this out like two reasonable... Jack pulls out a very long hunting knife and holds it up. Xander: ...frontiersmen. Jack: (points the knife at Xander) Where do you want it? Xander: What? Jack: Where do you want it? Xander: I'm fairly certain I don't want it at all, but, uh, thank you. Lysette: (bored and impatient) Wow. Cool knife. Xander gives her a look. She rolls her eyes and walks back to the car. Xander: Yeah. Great knife. Although I think, uh, it may technically be a, a sword. Jack: She's called 'Katie'. Xander: You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you. (turns to Lysette) Listen, I think we should be going. Jack reaches around Xander with the knife and hooks it behind his ear, forcing Xander to look at him. Xander quakes with fear. Jack: (jeeringly) Are you scared? He traces the tip of the blade around Xander's neck and cheek. Xander: (shakily) Would that make you happy? Jack: (sneering) Your woman looking on, you can't stand up to me? Don't you feel pathetic? He traces the knife past Xander's mouth, back to his ear and around and down under his chin. Xander: (nervously) Mostly I feel Katie. Jack: You know what the difference between you and me is? Xander: Again... Katie's springing to mind. Jack: Fear. Who has the least fear. Xander: And it has nothing to do with who has the big, sharp... Suddenly Jack slaps the knife into Xander's hand and steps back, taunting him to fight. Jack: Come on. Xander has no idea where to begin. The blonde distracts him. Lysette: I wanna go for a drive. I'm bored. He lowers the knife and his guard. Xander: (sarcastically) Oh, gee, I'm really sorry my life-and-death situation isn't *exciting* enough for you... Jack grabs him and shoves him back onto the hood of the car. He grabs Xander's hand and twists it so the knife is pointing at his neck and begins to bear down on him. Just then a flashlight shines into Jack's face. Police Officer: Hey! Jack releases Xander and quickly palms the knife. The officer turns off his flashlight and slowly approaches. Police Officer: What's goin' on? Jack: Nothing. Just rasslin'. Police Officer: (recognizes) O'Toole. (chuckles) What a surprise. (flashes the light in his face) (to Xander) He attack you? Xander looks at Jack, who just looks at the officer. Xander: (to the officer) No. Just blowing off steam. (grins) Two guys rasslin'. (shakes his head) But not in a gay way. Police Officer: Do it somewhere else, huh? He turns and leaves. Xander drops his head in relief. Behind him Jack has a smile on his lips. Remembering that he's there, Xander looks over at him and is confused by his expression. Xander: What? Jack: That was alright. Could've narc'd on me. Didn't do it. That's decent of you. I like you. (smiles appraisingly) Xander: (still nervous) Yay? Jack: (to Lysette) You two wanna have some fun? Lysette: (smiles dippily) Like, with driving? Jack: Yeah. Xander sees the broad grin on her face and shakes his head, giving in. Xander: What do you have in mind? Jack: Well, I was on my way to get the boys. Gonna cruise around. (checks out Xander's Chevy) We'll take your wheels. Xander: What about your car? Jack: (looks at it and shakes his head) It ain't mine. Xander is aghast and shakes his head. Jack goes to the car door. Xander: Great. Where to? Jack opens the door and slides in to the far side. Jack: Gonna get the boys! Lysette slides in next to Jack, then Xander gets in. Xander: Yeah. (pulls the door closed) So, where're the boys? Cut to a cemetery. The camera pans behind some trees and over to the three of them by a grave. Xander and Lysette watch as Jack speaks a spell and dangles a chicken foot on a string over a grave. Jack: He calls forth the Spirit of Uurthu, the restless. No one shall speak. (raises his arms) He shall arise! Hear me... Xander watches, worried that it might work. Lysette is completely bored. Jack: The blood of the Earth shall restore him... He puts away the chicken foot and kneels by the grave. He drawn his knife across the palm of his hand, turns his hand over and lets his blood drip onto the grave. Jack: And he shall arise. Xander takes a step back. Something under the ground begins to move. Jack: Shall arise! A pair of arms punch through the grass followed by a head. It's Jack's friend Bob. He has a huge frown on his face as he looks around. Jack stands up and steps back. Lysette's eyes go wide with surprise. Bob pulls himself out the rest of the way and gets up, still frowning and disoriented. Jack looks him up and down, pleased with the result. Bob looks over at Jack and recognizes his friend. Bob: Buddy. Jack: Bob. They look at each other for a moment. Bob has clearly started to decay, but is still easily recognizable. Jack: You big, hideous corpse... Come here! Bob comes at Jack and grabs him in a huge bear hug, lifting him off the ground and laughing. Lysette freaks out and runs away, screaming at the top of her lungs. Xander watches her go. Xander: (resentfully) I'll call ya! Bob keeps laughing as he swings Jack around a bit before putting him back down. Bob: Man! You *raised* me! Jack: (looks him up and down) I *told* you grandpappy could work that mojo. Big Bob is back in action! Bob: (raises his arms) Yes! They each butt hard into the other in celebration. Xander fidgets restlessly, waiting to see what's going to happen next. Bob: Oh, man, I can't believe you raised me! That is so awesome! (starts to calm down, lets go of Jack) You are the coolest. Xander: Maybe I should just let you guys catch up. (starts to go) Jack: Bob, this is Xander. He's our wheel man. Xander turns back around and smiles. Bob: Hey. He steps up to Xander and slaps him hard in the shoulder, making him stagger back a few steps. Xander manages to keep his balance and straightens back up. Xander: Howdy. Bob: (steps back to Jack) Dude, where are the other guys? We gotta go get 'em. Jack: (nods) Absolutely. Bob: (pats him on the arm) Alright. They start walking to get the rest of the boys. Xander stays back. Xander: Are, um... Are all your friends dead? Jack: (over his shoulder) Xander, let's roll. Bob: How long I been down? Jack: Eight months. I had to wait till the stars aligned. Bob: Oh, eight months. I got some catching up to do. He stops in his tracks and points at Jack. Bob: Whoa! Walker, Texas Ranger. You been taping 'em? Jack: Every ep. Xander catches up with them. Bob: Alright. We're gonna get the guys together, and we're gonna PARTY, man! (hits Xander hard in the other shoulder) It's gonna be a night to remember! (they start walking again) Yeah! Xander: (trailing them) I'm sensing that. Cut to Dickie's grave. Jack weaves his spell again. Jack: The blood of the Earth shall restore him, and he shall arise. Dickie comes up head first. He is far more decayed than Bob. His face is raw and bloody, but he is also still recognizable. Dickie: Dudes! Cut to the car. The camera is low to the pavement showing the back of the car. The tires squeal as the four boys take off for another cemetery to get the last member of the group. Cut to the Restfield Cemetery. The camera pans low along some gravestones and up to the sign. Cut to Giles standing before a large mausoleum and holding up a lit candle. The Spirit Guides appear in the form of a bright cloud gathering in front of the mausoleum, and Giles speaks to them. Giles: Noli me renuere, umbra ducens. Sapienta manium super me effundatur. Translation: Do not deny me, Spirit Guide. Let the wisdom of those who have passed be showered upon me. Spirit Guides: Illae res occultae sunt tempoti et locis obscuris. Enuntiare illas Chaos super orbem vivum terrarum ferat. Translation: These secrets belong to time and the dark regions. To reveal them would bring Chaos down upon the living Earth. Giles: Belua propulsanda est! Invenire vitium suum noster spes sola est! Translation: The Beast must be fought! Our only hope lies in finding its weakness! A strong wind begins to blow. Spirit Guides: (angrily) Noli petere! Perturba nos non diutius! Translation: (angrily) Seek not! Disturb us no longer! The cloud moves away and up into the sky. The wind stops blowing. The cloud splits in two, and both halves disappear up into the firmament. Giles isn't happy with the result of the encounter. He looks to his right when he hears Xander approaching. Xander: Giles, hey... (smiles) What's goin' on? Giles: Oh, uh, (looks at the mausoleum) I was just trying to, uh, gain access to the, um, Spirit Guides. Not going very well, I'm afraid. (looks around) Uh, what are you doing here? (packs his things) Xander: Oh, we were just raising, um... (glances back at the others) some heck. Jack and the others, having raised the last member of their group, are waiting by the car for Xander. Jack: (impatient) Xander! Let's go! Xander: (kneels by Giles) Listen, do you guys need any help? Giles: (concentrating on packing) Hmm? Oh, no. Thank you. Uh, probably best if you, you stay out of trouble. Xander: No chance of that. Jack: (impatient) Xander! Motor! Giles: (stands up) There's something... different about this... menace, something in the air... The stench of death. Xander: Yeah, I think it's Bob. Giles: (absently) We may all be called upon to fight when it happens. (picks up his bags) Xander: When what happens, exactly? Jack: (very impatiently) Come on! Giles: I better go. (smiles weakly) Um, hopefully, we shall have time to prepare. All we need is a few weeks. (turns and leaves) Cut to Willy's bar. The place has been completely trashed. Buffy is kneeling down next to Willy, who is lying on the floor behind the bar with his head and shoulders propped up against the cabinets. He's been very badly beaten, and the blood flows freely from several cuts in his head. Buffy: Tonight? Willy: (nods, laboring to breathe) Before sunrise. That's what they said. (winces in pain) Buffy: (looks at the damage) Why did they do this? Willy: They were looking for Angel. Buffy: Angel? Why? Willy: (breathing shallowly) Said they were coming after you, too, and nothing could stand in their way because (winces in pain) tonight was the night... Severe pain stabs him in the gut, and he turns from her and coughs. Willy: (painfully) Oh, man... Buffy: (worried) The ambulance is on its way. Willy: (coughs, swallows) Look, kid, my clientele ain't exactly nuns and orphans, but I... I never seen anything like these demons. Buffy: I'm gonna stop them. Willy: (coughs) That Hellmouth opens (swallows) they're gonna be the least of your problems is my train of thought. He winces in pain again and coughs, then swallows again. Willy: (between shallow breaths) If I were you... I'd go find Angel... go somewhere quiet together. I'd be thinking about how I wanna spend my last night on Earth. Cut to Xander and the gang. Bob is standing in the back seat with his fists raised into the air. Bob: LET'S GET SOME BEER! YEAH! The other dead boys yell in agreement. Parker, the last one of the group to be raised, is in an advanced state of decay, and so is in much worse shape than the others. His face is beyond recognition, having lost much of its flesh, exposing parts of his skull. Xander can't believe he's caught up in all of this. Parker: Dude! Let's go pick up some girls, man. We'll hang out at Taco Bell, get some girls, go cruise around... They all laugh, except for Xander. Dickie: I wanna bake a cake. Bob slides back down into the seat with an arm around each of his buds. Bob: Hey, we need some beers, though. Parker: (to Bob) I can't believe you got shot, man. Was it them Jackals? Jack: Are you kidding? We wiped them out after they threw you off the bridge. Parker: (appreciatively) Oh, man. You guys, you guys are the best, man. The best! I mean that. Bob: (explains to Parker) There's a liquor store. Little Armenian guy runs the place? He had a gun behind the counter. He looks ahead, frowning in disgust. The bullet hole in his forehead above his left eye is plainly visible. He brightens when he has an idea. Bob: Hey... We should go kick his ASS! Parker: Yeah! Bob: YEAAAAAH! Xander glances back at them nervously. Xander: If you guys want me to drop you off somewhere, that's... Jack: (interrupts, pats Xander's shoulder) Nah. You're with us now. Parker reaches up to him from behind and pats him on neck and cheek with his grossly rotten hands. Parker: Oh yeah, man, you on the team now, baby. Whoo-hoo! The guys in the back all chuckle. Bob: (serious) What're we gonna do? Jack: Well, I've heard some interesting suggestions, but I'm gonna have to go with Dickie's. Let's bake a cake. Dickie: Yeaaaaah! Bob and Parker: Yeaaaaah! Bob laughs as he leans back over the trunk and raises his fists into the air. Cut to a hardware store. Xander pulls the car to a stop in front. Jack: Alright. He gets out. Dickie pushes the front backrest forward and gets out. Bob and Parker just jump over the side of the car. Jack: (to Xander) You stay here and keep the motor running. (joins the others) Xander: Uh, this time of night, I'm pretty sure nothing's open. Bob grabs a newspaper vending machine, yanks it from the sidewalk and heaves it into the hardware store window. It shatters loudly. Xander watches nervously. Xander: But they're always open for *crime*. The dead boys all climb into the store. Xander holds on tightly to the steering wheel and fidgets nervously in his seat. Xander: Okay. Now I'm involved in crime. I'm the criminal element. (sarcastically) Having a car sure is cool! He hears Willow's voice, and turns to see her leaving the magic shop about half a block down on the other side of the street. Willow: Thank you. Sorry to wake you. (starts down the street) Shopkeeper: No problem. Xander: Will! She sees him and walks into the street toward him. Xander gets out of the car and goes to meet her. Willow: Xander, what are you doing here? Xander: Nothing. Certainly not crime. (grins guiltily and glances behind him) Wh-what about you? Willow: (worried) I-I needed supplies for a protection spell. Buffy called from Angel's. I-it's happening tonight. Xander: And that thing that's happening would be...? Willow: I-I can't stay. Buffy'll needs this. She goes, leaving Xander standing there still unenlightened. Just as quickly she comes back and gives him a tight hug. She lets go and looks up at him. Willow: I love you, Xander. Again she hurries off, leaving him to ponder his next move. Xander: Okay, that's it. (turns back to the car) I'm gonna... Jack steps in front of him and stops him. Jack: Where you going? Xander: Look, something's just come up. (looks at the store) Jack: You gonna bail on me? Is that it? Xander's response is interrupted by the noise of the others coming out of the hardware store. Dickie holds up two bags full of ingredients for him to see. Dickie: (smiling) We got the cake mix! (puts the bags in the car) Parker: Where you wanna bake it? Jack: (ominously) Xander's looking to leave. Bob: No way. (comes around the car) We need a wheel man. (stands behind Xander) Dickie and Parker walk around the other way. Jack: (menacingly) Xander doesn't feel like he's part of the group. Xander: (placatingly) No. It's just I'm kinda busy! Bob comes around to Xander's left. Parker stands to his right. Bob: He doesn't feel like part of the group because he hasn't been initiated. Jack: Do you think he's ready? Parker: (puts his arm around Xander) Oh, I think he's earned his stripes. I say we let him in, boys. Huh? Dickie: (chuckles) Woo-hoo! Xander: (grins) Great! (nods) I wanna be in the gang, sure! Parker: Alright! (nudges him in the gut) Yeah. Jack: (lifts his finger to Xander) That's the spirit. Parker: Yeah. Xander: (smiling, getting into it) What do I gotta do? Jack pulls out Katie and holds the blade to his face. Xander's smile is instantly replaced with fear. Jack: (twists the blade threateningly) You gotta die. Parker pats Xander affectionately on the cheek. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ In the street in front of the hardware store. Xander: (nervously) Alright, guys, what... Let's just talk about this. Parker: Aw, you wanna be part of the gang now, don't you? Jack leers at him, constantly turning his knife. Xander: Yes, yes, but I'm not *dying* to be in the gang, if you get the, um... the pun there. Bob: (insulted) What? You're, you're too good to be dead? He grabs Xander by the lapels of his jacket and lifts him up. Bob: You got a problem with dead people? Xander shakes his head and mouths "no", thinking quickly. Xander: What about Jack? Jack's not dead. Jack lowers his knife, reaches down and raises his shirt for Xander to see. There is a series of bullet holes across his gut. Bob releases Xander so he can get a better look. Jack drops his shirt back down and brings Katie back up level to Xander's face. Jack: Drive-by three weeks ago. Xander: (exhales) Oh, boy. Jack: Grandpappy found my body. I wasn't gone but ten minutes before he raised me. It's a rush, man. Dickie: (smiling) Let's kill Xander. It'll be fun! Parker: Yeah, man, you could be a full-fledged member. Jack: (steps closer and sneers) Come on, Xander. Take it like a man. Xander: (takes a chance) Alright, enough! You guys have had your fun, but you forgot about *one* thing. He looks at Bob and Parker, and then makes a break for it. Jack: Get him! Xander runs across the street and into the outside seating area of the Espresso Pump. They all give chase. Xander waits for them to follow him into the cafe', then makes another break for it, jumping up onto a table and hopping over the low wall surrounding the area. He runs back across the street and jumps into the car. The motor is still running, so he throws it into drive, floors it and burns rubber out of there, leaving the dead guys behind. Bob: Damn him! (throws up his hands) There goes the wheels. Parker: (plaintively) He took all our stuff, man. Dickie: I wanna bake a cake. Jack: (seething with anger) It's alright. We'll get more. The night is young. They all head back into the hardware store for more supplies. Cut to Xander driving along the street, very relieved to have escaped. Xander: I'd say that's pretty much enough excitement for one evening. Cut to a park. Faith gets thrown against a fence, pulled off and thrown against it again by a member of the Sisterhood of Jhe. The demon pulls her off again, but Faith shakes loose and does a backhand swing at the demon's head, making it snap hard to the side. Faith then punches it in the gut and tries for a second hit to the head, but the demon blocks the attempt, grabs Faith's arms and throws her to the ground. Faith rolls and comes back up to a fighting stance. The demon lunges at her, but she kicks it in the knee and then roundhouse kicks it in the head. Without pausing, Faith launches into a half spinning high wheel kick, which the demon blocks with both arms. The demon throws Faith's leg down, grabs onto her jacket and swings her around and back into the fence. Back in the street Xander rounds a corner and sees the fight in the park ahead of him. The demon rushes Faith, who grabs the fence behind her and lifts herself up to do a twin push kick to the demon's gut, shoving her back hard. Xander sees his opening, and just drives right into the demon, knocking it back quite a ways onto its ass. He backs the car out into the street again as Faith watches. The demon gets back to its feet and starts her chase. Xander: (to Faith) Get in! Faith runs to the car and dives into the back seat. Xander guns it just as the demon catches up, but she can't run fast enough to grab hold of the car, and is left in their dust. Cut to Faith's motel. Xander pulls the car to a screeching halt in a parking spot. They both run out and up the stairs to her room, watching for any pursuers. Faith opens the door and runs in. Xander is right behind her and swings the door shut. Xander: You think Demon Mama followed us? He checks out the window, but doesn't see anything. He rushes over to the other window and checks there, too, but again sees nothing. Faith: No, we're cool. (takes off her jacket) The bitch dislocated my shoulder, though. She tosses her jacket aside, careful not to move her arm too much. Xander comes back over to her. Faith: Hold me. He looks at her a bit confused, but gets closer and reaches out to her. Faith takes his right hand and puts it on her left upper arm. He finally realizes that he's supposed to hold it steady. She reaches up with her right hand and grabs hold of his jacket for leverage. She pulls her left shoulder back and jerks it forward. Her shoulder audibly snaps back into place. Faith heaves a sigh and rotates her shoulder around in different positions. Faith: That's better. (sniffs) She got me really wound up. She looks at Xander and runs her hand over his chest. She inhales and exhales deeply. Faith: A fight like that and... no kill... I'm about ready to pop. She smiles at him, still rubbing her hand over his chest. Xander: (nervously) Really? (looks down at her rubbing hands) Pop?! Faith: (smiles sexily) You up for it? She runs her other hand down the back of his neck. Xander: (nods) Oh, I'm up. She smiles at him and gets closer. She stops rubbing his chest and lowers her hand to his crotch. Xander: I'm suddenly *very* up. It's just, um... (grins sheepishly) I've never been up with people before. Faith grabs his jaw and kisses him full on the lips with plenty of tongue. Faith: Just relax... And take your pants off. She starts to push his shirt and jacket off of his shoulders. Xander: Those two concepts are antithetical. She yanks his shirt and jacket down his back and off his arms, and throws them down. They lock in a passionate embrace and kiss each other hard. Faith turns him around and shoves him back onto the bed. She jumps up after him and straddles him. Faith: Don't worry. (pulls off her own shirt) I'll steer you around the curves. She grins broadly down at him. Xander looks back up at her with more than a little apprehension on his face. Xander: Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night? Cut to a shot of their reflection in the TV. Faith is on top of Xander under the sheet, moving slowly and purposefully. Cut to them cuddling afterward. Xander runs his fingertips across her upper arm. They gaze into each other's eyes for a while. Faith smiles at him. Cut outside her motel room door. She opens it and nudges Xander out. He has only his underwear on and holds the rest of his clothes in his arms. Faith is wrapped up in the bed sheet. Faith: That was great. I gotta shower. She closes the door on him. He just stands there, unsure of what just happened. He looks at the door again, and soon realizes he's just been used. Mouth agape, he makes his way back to his car. Cut to the library. Werewolf Oz is jumping around in the cage, very agitated. Willow watches him, very worried. Willow: I've never seen him like this. Giles comes up behind her with the dart gun and hands it to her. Giles: It's the Hellmouth. He can sense it's going to open. Be ready just in case. Willow checks the rifle as Giles goes to the cage to open it. He looks back at her before he does. Giles: Now don't hesitate. Willow raises the weapon to her shoulder and takes aim, anxious about having to hurt Oz. Willow: Do it. Giles unlocks the door. Giles: Now Oz... Oz leaps up against the door and throws it open, knocking Giles to the floor. He takes a leap toward Willow, but she's ready and pulls the trigger. The dart flies from the barrel and hits him in the side, and he yelps and falls to the floor. It's not enough to keep him down in his agitated state, though, and he gets back up on all fours. Behind him Giles scrambles to his feet. Giles: AGAIN! Willow retreats as she inserts another dart into the gun. Oz is weakened, but he lunges toward her. Giles runs to get him from behind. Oz jumps up onto the table just as Giles catches up and grabs him around the chest. Oz raises himself up on his hind legs, growling fiercely as Giles gets an arm around each of his, exposing his chest. Willow takes the shot, and the werewolf yelps again. This time the Phenobarbital does its job, and Oz collapses onto the table, dragging Giles down on top of him. The wolf pants shallowly as Willow steps up to him and soothingly pets the thick fur on his head. Giles: We've got to move him before he wakes up. Willow: (remorsefully to Oz) Sorry. I hope you're not mad at me in the morning. Cut to Faith's motel. Xander pulls on his jacket and gets into his car. He checks himself in the rearview mirror and thinks about what just happened. He sighs and looks into the back seat. There he sees the two bags of stolen ingredients and grabs one to see what's inside. In it he finds a can of kerosene, a short length of galvanized pipe with caps, wire, primer cord and an electronic timer switch. He takes a second look at the can of kerosene and realizes that the "cake" really isn't. Xander: Hey! They're not baking any cake. He quickly sets the can aside and starts the car. Cut to the hardware store. He comes to a stop in front of it. The place is a mess, but Jack and his gang are nowhere to be seen. Xander: Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think. He looks into the store and tries to concentrate. Xander: I can't believe I had s*x. (catches himself) Okay, bombs. Already-dead guys with bombs. (realizes) Oh, man, I'm outta my league! Buffy'll know what to do. He takes off for Angel's mansion. Cut to the mansion. Buffy and Angel are inside arguing. Buffy: (pleading) I don't know what to do. Angel: Then let me decide for you. I can face this thing. Buffy: (protests) You can't. Angel: Look, I, I can at least buy you enough time for Willow's spell to bind it. She stares speechlessly at him. Angel: Buffy, this is worse than anything we've ever faced. It's the only way. Buffy: (voice cracking) I can't watch you die again. He lifts his hand to her cheek and rubs it gently, looking deeply into her eyes. Angel: I love you. Buffy: (takes his hand) I love you. Angel: Nothing can change that. Not even death. She jerks his hand away and steps back, angry about his defeatist attitude. Buffy: Don't talk to me like that! *You* may be ready to go, but *I* am not ready to lose you. Okay, this is my fight, and if you won't do it my way, then you're... She is interrupted by Xander clearing his throat. She turns to face him. Xander: (grins) Hey. I've got this, um... There's this, uh... (grins sheepishly) Buffy and Angel look at him expectantly. Xander sees the sadness in their faces and the tear streaks on Buffy's cheeks. Xander: (awkwardly) It's probably a bad time. He turns to go, but looks back at them again. Xander: Can I help? They both shake their heads at him. Xander: Okay. He walks out the door. Buffy turns back to Angel, and they look at each other sadly. Cut to the atrium at the mansion. Xander walks to the stairs and starts up and out. Xander: Okay, I can work this out. I just got to figure out what they'd be likely to bomb. Cut to Sunnydale High School at night. Cut to the library. Giles has cleared away the table and chairs and painted a black circular figure on the floor. Eight rays extend from the edge. Inside are four small semicircles which mark the four corners. At the center three short lines intersect. A lit candle stands on each line and a fourth at their intersection. All around the circle and the room are more candles. Giles is busy lighting them as he recites a spell from a book. Giles: Terra, vente, ignis et pluvia. Cuncta quattuor numina, vos obsecro. Defendete nos a recente malo resoluto. Translation: Earth, wind, fire and rain. Linger four gods, we implore you. Defend us, immediately after I will release you. Willow returns to the library with the tranquilizing gun and sets it down on the counter as she passes by. Willow: Okay. Oz is moved. He could barely walk after that mickey I gave him, but we made it. Is he gonna be alright there? Giles: Anywhere is safer than here. Um, help me with the candles. He tosses her the lighter, which she catches. Willow: We're doing the binding spell from the Hebron's Almanac? Giles: Yes, but once it's ready, (lights a match) you're to stay back and let me finish the recitation. (Willow starts to protest) Don't argue. I want you safe. Who knows what's going to come up from beneath us. Willow crouches down and starts lighting more of the candles. Cut to the boiler room. Dickie puts the finishing touches on the bomb. They have it assembled on top of an oil barrel. Dickie plugs in the timer, and switches it on. Parker: Whoo! He taps the keys and sets it for sixty minutes. Dickie plugs in the last wire, and the countdown starts. They all chuckle under their breaths. Jack walks up to the bomb and checks it out. Jack: This is gonna be large! (smiles at Parker) Parker: Oh, yeah! Dickie checks the wiring once more as they all laugh. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The streets. Xander drives to the school. Xander: (frantically) Giles will know what to do. He's *way* more calm than Buffy. He turns a corner and sees the dead boys walking and laughing. Xander: Okay, I got a plan. Jack and Bob hear him approaching and turn around. Bob: Hey, our wheels. The group splits up, and Xander drives up between them, slowing down as if to stop. Parker is right up by the car, so Xander reaches out and grabs him. Parker: Hey! Xander hits the gas and takes off, dragging Parker alongside. Cut around the next corner. Xander drives around it and weaves the car side to side. The other boys chase him. Cut to Xander holding onto Parker. Parker: (scared) Stop! C'mon, man! Stop! Xander: Where's the bomb?! Parker: It's in, it's in the high school! Xander: In the school where?! Parker: Oh, God, this really, really hurts! Cut to the street. Xander screeches around the next corner. Parker: Stop! Cut to Parker. Parker: It's in the, it's in the boiler room. Xander: Alright. Now I'm gonna ask you this once, and you better pray you get the answer right. Parker: (still scared) Okay, okay. Xander: How do I defuse... He never finishes his question, because he drives too close to a curbside mailbox, and the impact knocks Parker's head off. Xander screams in horror at the sight and releases his hold on Parker's now- headless body. He looks back at the others and guns the car. Xander: (chagrined) I probably should've left out that whole middle part. Bob and Dickie keep up the chase. Jack stops to check on Parker. Dickie: He's headed for the school! Cut to a hall in the school. Xander barges through a door and runs past the basement access door. He comes back to it and notices the sign stating "Door to remain locked at all times". Jack, Bob and Dickie crash through the hall door and start to chase him. Jack: There he is! Xander starts to run down the hall again. Xander: Where's a Slayer when you need one? Cut to the library. The Hellmouth has opened, and the same huge, green, multi-headed, tentacled demon that erupted from it less than two years before looms over the heads of Buffy, Faith, Angel, Giles and Willow, only now it's much larger. Bolts of energy flash about like lightning. Giles: Oh, my God. It's grown. The camera passes through the group to the doors, where Xander runs by followed a moment later by Jack and then Bob and Dickie in rapid succession. Dickie is distracted by the noise and lights coming from the library and backtracks to have a look. He peers in through one of the round door windows and sees the Hellmouth demon waving its three heads around. Dickie: Wow. Jack: C'mon, man! Dickie joins the chase again. Cut to another hall. The dead boys have lost Xander. They open a set of doors and stop at the hall intersection. Bob: Which way? Jack: He couldn't have gotten far. Let's split up. Bob goes right, Dickie goes left and Jack heads straight ahead. Cut to the stairs by the student lounge. Bob comes bounding down and stops at the base. He looks around and notices a fire ax on the wall. He smashes the glass and pulls it out. Bob: Good for chopping. He heads into the student lounge. A moment later Xander runs into the student lounge and runs up to the couches. From off to the side Bob swings the ax at him. Xander reacts fast and stops short of being sliced, but loses his balance and falls backward onto a table. He rolls off of it and onto the floor. Quickly he scrambles to his feet, but immediately gets knocked onto another table by a punch from Bob. Bob: Now this is what I call fun. He wields the ax back and swings it down at the table. Xander rolls away just as the head of the ax embeds itself into the table, and he comes up standing next to Bob. He backhand punches Bob in the face, stunning him, grabs him and swings him around head first into another table. Bob falls to the floor and lies there on his back, dazed by the impact. Xander pulls the ax from the other table, looks down at Bob and goes over to a vending machine. He slips the blade of the ax behind the machine and uses the handle as a lever to pry it away from the wall. It tilts over and falls right onto Bob's head, crushing it. Back out in the hall Dickie comes through a door and runs into the student lounge. He sees Bob's body lying there and stops, looking at it aghast. Xander steps out into the open holding up the ax. Xander: Should've learned by now. If you're gonna play with fire, you gotta expect sooner or later... Dickie takes off running before Xander can finish delivering his Clint Eastwood line. Xander: (insulted) I wasn't finished! Dickie disappears back out the same door he came in. Xander: Note to self: less talk. He starts to run after Dickie. Cut to the hall outside the library doors. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Buffy comes flying out backward, landing almost at the far end of the hall by the door leading outside. The three heads of the Hellmouth demon come slithering through the doors after her. Buffy gets up and runs back at it. Buffy: Faith! Go for the heart! Cut to another part of the hall. Dickie runs around a corner and disappears down an adjacent hall. Xander is right behind him with the ax. A moment later Xander comes running back with Dickie right behind him. Right on their heels are three members of the Sisterhood of Jhe. Xander runs into a room and off to the side. Dickie follows him but runs through it to the nurse's office. He whips the door open, runs in and finds himself trapped. The demons run in after him and start ripping him apart. Xander takes a few deep breaths to calm himself. Xander: Okay, boiler room. He turns back toward the door, but is stopped by one of the heads of the Hellmouth demon when it breaks through the wall next to him. Xander: Other way. The head roars after him as he runs away. Cut to the basement. Xander kicks open the door, enters cautiously and makes his way down the stairs. At the bottom he opens the door to the boiler room and looks in. There in the middle of the room he sees the bomb. The timer is ticking away. Xander: Hello, nasty. He steps into the room and closes the door behind him. He gingerly goes over to the bomb and checks the timer as he sets down the ax. Xander: (breathing hard) Less than two minutes. Dumb guy. Little bomb. How hard can it be? Suddenly Jack grabs him from behind and throws him into a work bench. He hits it hard and falls to the floor. Xander gets back up only to find himself face-to-face with Jack. Jack: And it just got harder. Xander: I'm not leaving till that thing's disarmed. Jack: Then I guess you're not leaving. He swings a right at Xander, which he blocks. Jack swings a high left, which Xander ducks. Jack swings a right again, and this time hits Xander in the jaw, making him stagger back into a wall. Jack pulls Katie out and tries to stab Xander, but he catches Jack's arm and manages to hold him back. Jack doesn't let up, though, and keeps pressing into him. Xander glances over at the bomb, which is ticking away. Jack: (angrily) I'm gonna carve you up and serve you with gravy. You piss me off, boy. Now you pay the price. First the eyes, then the tongue. I'm gonna break every one of your fingers. Xander: You gonna do all that in forty-nine seconds? Jack looks over at the bomb, and Xander seizes the opportunity to push him back, grab him by the jacket and shove his head into the wall. He pulls him back from the wall and punches him in the face. Jack comes back up unfazed, grabs Xander by the pants and flips him over onto a crate. He quickly gets back up, and the two boys start to come at each other again, but then stop when they realize they don't have time for this. Jack glances over at the exit sign above a door. Xander: I know what you're thinkin'. Can I get by him? Get up the stairs, out of the building, seconds ticking away... I don't love your chances. Jack: Then you'll die, too. Xander: (raises his eyebrows) Yeah, looks like. So I guess the question really is... who has less fear? Jack: (tries to psyche Xander out) I'm not afraid to die. I'm already dead. Xander: Yeah, but this is different. Being blowed up isn't walking around and drinking with your buddies dead. It's little bits being swept up by a janitor dead, and I don't think you're ready for that. He's proven right when Jack makes a move for the door. Xander matches his move, and Jack realizes there's no way he can get out. They face each other from opposite sides of the bomb. Xander is oddly calm whereas Jack is clearly afraid. Jack: Are you? Xander: (glances at the bomb, smiles thinly) I like the quiet. Cut to the library. Angel and Faith fight one of the Sisterhood. She swings at Angel, but he ducks the punch. He swings at her, and hits her dead in the face. Giles swings at the Hellmouth demon with an ax, still trying to force it back the rest of the way as he recites the rest of the binding spell. Giles: Omnia... vasa... veritatis! Translation: All things... the vessel... of truth! Giles: Now, Buffy! From above him, at the stack level, she starts to swing at the creature with a battleaxe. Cut to the boiler room. The two boys are still facing off with the bomb between them. The timer counts down the last few seconds. [SCENE_BREAK] The boys stare each other down, both taking deep breaths. [SCENE_BREAK] Xander stands his ground. Jack is starting to have second thoughts. [SCENE_BREAK] Xander gives Jack a little frown, saying in essence, "Too late now." [SCENE_BREAK] Jack caves and quickly reaches in and pulls a wire. The timer goes blank. He drops the wires and pulls his hands away. It takes Xander a moment to realize that it's over. Xander: Good boy. He steps over to Jack and looks him straight in the eyes. Xander: I don't think I wanna be seeing you on campus anymore, Jack. He goes over to the door he entered from, gives Jack one last look, opens it and leaves, closing it behind him. Jack walks toward the other door. Jack: I'm not going anywhere, Harris. The first time you turn your back... He pulls the door open, and werewolf Oz jumps out at him. Jack screams as he hits the floor and gets mauled. Cut to the school the next day. Students come and go as though nothing has happened. Dissolve to the quad. Students go about their business. Willow: Even after the Hellmouth was closed, you could still hear it screaming. Dissolve to her, Buffy, Giles and Oz sitting at a lunch table. They all sit quietly. Dissolve to a close-up of Giles and Oz. Oz: But Angel's gonna be okay? The camera pans over to Buffy and Willow. Buffy's right arm is in a sling. Buffy: He was only out for a few minutes. Longest of my life. Willow: (shakes her head) I will never forget that thing's face. Its *real* face, I mean. Giles: Yes. Buffy: (to Giles) I don't know how you managed. (he looks up at her) It was the bravest thing I've ever seen. Giles: (grins) Stupidest. He turns his face revealing several nasty scratches across his left cheek, ear and neck. Giles: But the world continues to turn. Willow: No one will ever know how close it came to stopping. Never know what we did. Xander: (finds them) Guys... Willow: Xander. Boy, you're lucky you weren't at school last night. It was crazed. Xander: (shrugs) Well, uh, gimme the quiet life. (grins) I'm gonna grab a snack. Anyone want? Giles: (quietly) No, thank you. Xander: Oz? Oz: No. I'm oddly full today. Xander: Okay. He goes to get his snack, but runs into Cordelia, who is eager to begin the game again. Cordelia: Ooo, look, it's Mr. Excitement. On another life-or-death doughnut mission, or are we just cruising for bimbos again, giving them lessons in lack of cool? He just smiles at her. If only she knew. Of course, she doesn't have a clue. Cordelia: What? He smiles more broadly and just walks past her. Cordelia: (unnerved) What? Xander just keeps walking away, never looking back. Cordelia: (insistently) What?!

Xander tries to be cool and hangs out with Jack O'Toole ( Channon Roe ), who resurrects three of his former buddies. Xander soon realizes they are up to something deadly and attempts to hide. Meanwhile, the others need to prevent the Sisterhood of Jhe from reopening the Hellmouth.

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_06x12

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_06x12_0

At the funeral Grandma Yorke: It was a beautiful service. Thank you. JT was just the sweetest boy. I can't understand why anyone would want to hurt him. Sean: Tell you what I keep thinking about, getting in a room with the guy who did this and making him pay. Emma: He's in jail Sean. Sean: I know. I'm pissed. I mean killing JT for no...the guy's a psycho. Manny: How are you feeling sweetie? Emma: Yeah we're worried about you Lib. You haven't said a thing. Liberty: I have nothing to say Emma. Excuse me. (Liberty starts to leave and Toby follows her.) Liberty: Please leave me alone Toby. Toby: Look I understand if you don't want to talk. I'll just stand here. Liberty: Everyone expects me to be like Mia. Crying my eyes out. I can't. Toby: JT wouldn't want you to. You know this is, this is all wrong. All these flowers and organ music and people bawling. JT would hate this. Liberty: You're right. JT would probably put whoopee cushions on every seat if he could. Toby: We need to do like a memorial or something at school. You'll help me right? Liberty: You can find loads of volunteers. Toby: Yeah, but I'm asking you 'cause I don't know if I can do it without you. Outside Ms. Sauv 's office, Toby finishes up a session Ms. Sauv : Grief is a long process. Just give it time. Uh Emma? You ready to see the psychologist? Mia: Toby I heard that you were the last one to speak to JT before he died. What did he say? Toby: It was just talk. Nothing important. Mia: No just tell me please. Toby: Honestly we talked about oatmeal and how he really wanted a bowl. Mia: So he didn't say anything about me at all? Toby: I'm sorry Mia, it was just oatmeal. Manny: Toby. Is that really what JT talked about? Toby: Well no. I mean yeah, but by oatmeal he meant uh... (They look at Liberty.) Toby: He told me he was still in love with her. Manny: Oh my gosh. Poor Liberty. Toby: He was on his way to tell her when...you know. Manny: So Liberty doesn't know. You haven't told her? Toby: I was just about to. Manny: She's in shock. Maybe in a few weeks she can handle it, but not now. In the foyer, Ellie is interviewing Ashley Ashley: I feel so bad for Mia losing her boyfriend like that. I mean what if it were Jimmy. I just, I just love him so much I just couldn't deal with losing him. Is that okay? Are my answers lame? Ellie: No. No they're great. I just have a lot on my mind right now. You know JT, the article, Jesse. Ashley: So I'm guessing it didn't go well telling him about the uh Craig incident? Ellie: It went fine 'cause I didn't. Ashley: El. Ellie: I can't do it Ash. I can't tell him that I kissed Craig. It'll be over. Ashley: Maybe. Ellie: Not maybe. Will be. Ashley: You don't know that El. Just have a little faith. He might surprise you. Outside the Dot Toby: You're gonna be okay Liberty. Liberty: I'm not. I can't feel a thing. I mean one minute JT's at my birthday and the next he's gone forever. Toby: You know we're gonna get through this together. I promise. Liberty: Toby why are you being so nice to me? Toby: Because I know how hard this is for you. I know that you still had feelings or whatever for JT. Liberty: Feelings that were not returned. Appears Mia was the owner of JT's heart. For the best, I suppose. Toby: Yeah. For the best. At JT's locker Toby: JT's locker. Are you ready for this? (He opens it up.) Liberty: Wow. It's just like he left it. Toby: This is kind of freaky. Mia: Oh my god the taping. We have to show this tape at the memorial. JT playing with Isabella. Everyone will really love it. Liberty: You know it just sounds rather private. Something for you and Isabella. Mia: That's your opinion. Toby what do you think? Toby: Mr. Simpson's making a tribute video. Let's just get this done. Mia: Fine. (She starts taking everything out and putting it in her bag.) Toby: Mia what are you doing? I thought we were going to go through this stuff together. Mia: Yeah and I thought that you wanted to get the job done. Liberty: But you're taking everything. Mia: So? I was his girlfriend. Liberty: Mia you're not being reasonable. Mia: JT died Friday night and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to him. You have no idea how difficult this is. Liberty: Excuse me? I think I do. I'm just as sad as you are. Mia: Really? You could have fooled me. I haven't seen you shed a single tear. Toby: Mia stop it. Mia: You're a robot Liberty. A walking, talking computer. (Liberty pushes past her and Toby grabs everything Mia took and starts putting it back in the locker.) Mia: What are you doing? Toby: Not doing this Mia. Not until we're ready. Mia: Whatever Toby. Who made you boss? Toby: This sucks! (He kicks a garbage can over.) Outside the school Toby: Hey! Mia wanted me to tell you that she's sorry and she didn't mean it. Liberty: She did mean it and she's right. I'm a talking computer. Toby: No you're not. She's just upset. We all are. Tell you what, why don't we get away from this for a couple hours? Liberty: Certainly, but how? Toby: Road trip. Liberty: Excuse me? Toby: You heard me. Come on. In the journalism office (Jesse tosses down a little paper booklet on her desk.) Ellie: What's this? Free study partner for one hour. One free neck rub. Free mixed CD. One free meal of my choosing. Jesse: Anywhere you want frosh, just as long as it's Pizza Pizza. Ellie: Jesse Stefanovic the last of the big spenders. Jesse: Hey it's just how I roll. (She looks at the last page and it says "I love you".) Ellie: Wow. I mean...wow. Jesse: Very articulate. Can I quote you? Got anything else to say? There's kind of an expected response here. Three words. Begins with I? Ellie: I kissed Craig. Jesse: You what? Ellie: I'm sorry Jesse. I had to tell you. Please don't be mad. When I saw him all these feelings came rushing back, but it's totally completely over between us. Jesse: I get it. Craig meant a lot to you. I'm not mad. Ellie: Shouldn't you be? I mean even just a little? Jesse: Those who live in glass houses. Look I haven't seen you in weeks Ellie. I didn't know which way was up. The other night I was at a bar and there was this girl...let's just say I made a mistake. Ellie: What, what kind of mistake? How bad? Jesse: Not the worst, but bad. Look you were honest with me. I felt I owed it to you. Ellie: I don't need your guilt prize. (She tosses it in the garbage.) Outside, Toby's driving Liberty: You sure about this? You know cutting class? Toby: Liberty come on. It'll be like a mini vacation, just me and you. (The car stalls at a stoplight.) Toby: Damn you Bubbe's car! You stupid piece of junk. (Toby gets out and starts kicking the car and yelling at it.) Toby: Every single time I drive you break down. Damn you. This is funny to you? Liberty: Actually it really is. Toby: Look I just thought that we could get away, maybe you'd feel better. Liberty: Well it worked. Maybe not for the reasons you intended. Yeah your Bubbe's gonna be really mad at you for this. Toby: See you're laughing. That's good. At least I didn't totally fail. Liberty: No you didn't fail. You're amazing, truly. (They lean in and kiss each other.) In the auditorium (Danny, Derek and Toby are setting up chairs for the memorial.) Danny: Thank you dude for looking after Liberty. Last night she kept going on about your little road trip. Toby: Oh it was no big thing. Danny: It was to her. Liberty: Morning Toby. Toby: Morning. Danny: If I didn't know any better I'd think something was going down between you and my sister. Toby: What? What? No. Come on that's crazy talk. Danny: Good because if not Danny would have to choke a dude. Does Danny have to choke a dude Toby? Toby: Relax man. We're just friends. (Danny walks away and Manny walks over to Toby.) Manny: Tell me he's being a paranoid freak. Toby: Freak, yes. Paranoid, not so much. I kissed Liberty. (Manny hits him.) Toby: Ow! Manny: Are you cuckoo bananas? Toby: No! Well yeah. I don't know, am I? Manny: Yes! (Manny grabs him and pulls him into the locker room.) Toby: What? What are you doing? Manny: Why on earth would you do something so ridiculously stupid? Toby: Because I like her Manny. Because she's cute and she's sweet and sad and she needs me. Manny: And you want to be her knight and shining armour? Well it's wrong. Both of you are a mess right now. This is the worst possible time. (Toby starts to walk away, but Manny stops him.) Manny: Toby you just buried your friend. A friend who still had feelings for the girl you just kissed. Toby: I know Manny. I know and I couldn't feel guiltier believe me, but what now? What can I do? Manny: Take the kiss back. Toby: What? How? Get in a time machine? Manny: Tell her you didn't mean it. Tell her you were on crack. Whatever. Just take it back. Toby: Fine. Fine I will. I'll, I'll issue an official kiss retraction. Happy? (She walks away upset.) [SCENE_BREAK] In the journalism (Ellie walks in with all of Jesse's stuff in a box.) Jesse: What's that? Ellie: Guess. Jesse: Ellie wait! (She leaves and he goes after her.) Jesse: Hey! Hey hold on. Don't just throw this away, okay? We both made a mistake. Ellie: Really? I kissed someone. You, you had a random hook-up with some bar skank. Jesse: I didn't have s*x with her, okay? Ellie: I don't care. It was still more than a kiss. Way more. Jesse: You kissed some guy that you've been crushing on since forever. You think that doesn't hurt? Ellie: I'm sorry. Jesse: I'm sorry too, okay? So can we just get past this? K, just move on? Ellie: No it's not that simple Jesse. It can't be that simple. Jesse: Says who? Look do you love me? Ellie: I...what kind of question is that? Jesse: An important one. Maybe the only one that matters right now. Ellie: I have to get to the memorial. In the auditorium Toby: Liberty I need to talk to you. Uh what happened yesterday was nice and everything, but wrong and I was wondering if I could take it back. The kiss I mean. Liberty: It's not a library book Toby. You can't just return it. Toby: Yeah I know. I was just hoping that in this case we could make a special exception. Liberty: Toby do you like me? Toby: Yeah. A lot actually. Liberty: Well I like you too. Problem solved. (She kisses him on the cheek and leaves.) Outside the auditorium, Ellie is interviewing Jimmy Ellie: So I've heard there was a war between Lakehurst and Degrassi. Do you think JT was a victim of that? Jimmy: No. I think that psycho Drake was a ticking time bomb and if it wasn't JT, it would have been somebody else. Ellie: It's just so impossibly random. Jimmy: The thing is life is random and sometimes it's tragic and totally messed up, but there is one thing that makes all the drama and tears worthwhile. If you're lucky enough to find someone you love who loves you back, it's a gift. You know what I'm saying? Ellie: You're a wise man Jimmy Brooks. Jimmy: Don't forget good looking. Ms. Hatzilakos: (On the PA System) Attention students please make your way to the gymnasium. The JT Yorke memorial is about to begin. At the memorial Mr. Simpson: Everyone may I have your attention. Welcome to the JT Yorke memorial. Uh there's a lot of us that are affected by this, but uh we're not here to mourn JT, we're here to celebrate him and I'd like to uh start with a slideshow that I put together with the help of Peter Stone and Gavin Mason. (The video starts and it shows a recent picture of JT, JT in a clown wig, JT as a little kid, JT with a birthday cake and JT standing with Liberty and Danny.) Mia: Toby. I want to show my video, but Liberty says we don't have time. Toby: She's right. I'm sorry Mia. Mia: God why are you always taking her side? Toby: It's not about sides, okay? Why are you getting so upset about this? Mia: Because it's the principal. Why does Liberty get a say in anything to do with JT? He couldn't stand her. Toby: That's not true. Mia: Oh really? You want to know what he used to call her behind her back? The Liberty 3000. He told me he hated her. Toby: Funny because I seem to remember him telling me the exact opposite. Mia: What? When? When did he say this? Toby: Just forget I said anything please. Mia: No I can't just forget about it. I need to know Toby. When? Toby: It was right before he died. The thing about oatmeal. He meant Liberty. I'm sorry Mia, but he still liked her. Mia: You suck Isaacs. You suck so bad. (Mia leaves and runs into Liberty.) Liberty: Give me the tape. Mia: You're gonna play it? (She nods and Mia leaves.) Toby: Liberty what'd you hear? Liberty: Everything. I can't believe you. (She runs out into the hall and he follows her.) Toby: Liberty! Liberty! Liberty: Just tell me why. Why would you want to hurt me like this? Toby: I didn't want to hurt you. I wanted to help you. Liberty: Toby you knew how I felt about JT and you knew how much it would mean to me to know he felt the same way. Toby: Liberty I was trying to protect you. Liberty: And that involves kissing me?! That's idiotic. Toby: I know and I know it's totally wrong, but over the last few days I've developed feelings. But I know now it'll never happen. Liberty: Yeah well I wish I had JT, but that'll never happen either. (Liberty goes into the auditorium with the tape.) Liberty: Play this. (JT is shown on the screen playing with Mia at a playground. Liberty watches the screen and finally starts to break down and cry.) In the journalism office Jesse: Article's good frosh. Ellie: Really? Jesse: Really. Best thing you've written. (Ellie pulls out Jesse's booklet from her pocket.) Jesse: Fished that out from the trash, huh? (She rips out the free meal coupon.) Ellie: You know me. Always been a sucker for the Hawaiian slice. Ham and pineapple should not work together, but somehow they do. At JT's locker Toby: Glad you came Mia. Mia: No problem. I think you're right. I think we're ready to deal with this. Look what you said about JT. Toby: Forget what I said about JT. Mia: No 'cause deep down I think I always knew about Liberty. I just didn't want to believe it. (Liberty walks over.) Toby: Liberty how you doing? Liberty: Let's just do this, shall we? (They open JT's locker.)

In the aftermath of J.T.'s murder, all of Degrassi are in mourning. While planning the memorial, Toby and Liberty kiss, and he soon wonders if he should let her know about J.T.'s true feelings for her. Meanwhile, Ellie decides to tell Jesse that she kissed Craig but receives some unexpected news.

fd_Frasier_09x18

fd_Frasier_09x18_0

Act 1 Scene 1 - KACL [Fade in. Frasier is on the air with a caller, Roz is in her booth.] Frasier: Lilian, the next time your perfectionist tendencies drive you to distraction, just remember this quotation from Henry James: "Excellence does not require perfection." Lillian: [voice over] That's very helpful. Thank you. Frasier: Or is it "demand"? Hmm... "require", "demand" "Excellence does not require perfection." "Excellence does not demand perfection." Roz: Aren't they the same thing? Frasier: Of course not, Roz! Shush! "Excellence"..."demand", "require", "demand", "require"...Oohh! Or is it "mandate"? Lillian: [v.o.] I really have to go now. [There is a click and a dial tone as she disconnects.] Frasier: Oh, well, it doesn't really matter, anyway, does it? Meantime, Seattle, this is Doctor Frasier Crane, wishing you good day OH! It's "require", it is "require"! [he laughs victoriously] And good mental health. [He goes off the air and Roz comes over and holds something out.] Roz: Frasier, would you please give this to Freddie for me? It's for his spelling bee tomorrow. Frasier: [taking it] Roz, it's not a spelling bee, it's the National Championship. Roz: Oh. Ooh, when's Lilith coming in? Frasier: [rising] Actually, she's not coming in, she'll be watching the competition ion from home. Her victory dance at the state finals earned her a long overdue suspension. So, what is this anyway? Roz: It's a flattened penny. I found it at the railroad tracks once when I was going through a really bad time. But as soon as I picked it up, I started getting lucky. Frasier: Oh, so that's where it all started. Roz: No. Why are you turning a nice gesture into something dirty? Frasier: I'm sorry, Roz. I know it didn't bring you that kind of luck. Roz: Thank you. [She heads for her side as he grabs his briefcase.] Frasier: Because that would be one tired penny. [He hurries out as she glares at him. Fade out.] Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment [Fade in. Frasier is sitting down. Sitting on dining chairs facing him, are Freddie, Martin and Eddie.] Frasier: Eddie Crane, from Seattle, your word is "woof". [Eddie barks. Frasier rolls his eyes, then Martin talks out of the corner of his mouth for him.] Martin: W-O-O-F. [He nudges Eddie, who barks again.] Frasier: Very good. Frederick Crane, from Massachusetts, your word is "onomatopoeia" [Freddie stands up and takes a breath.] Frasier: Wrong. Where are your knees? I want to see spelling knees. Freddie: Oh, yeah, right. Frasier: The last thing I want is you passing out on stage because of locked knees. Freddie: I know. Allison Sharpe, the "'Frisco Fainter". Frasier: She went down like a sack of hammers. All right now, go to the hallway mirror and look at your form. [Freddie walks off and Martin gets up.] Martin: Aren't you two going a little overboard with this? The drills, the stance, the spelling diet... [He sets back in his chair.] Frasier: Dad, Freddie really wants to win this competition, I'm doing my best to help him. Martin: Well, you shouldn't over train him. He needs to have some fun. Frasier: I told him he could bring his clarinet! [off Martin's look] All right, I'll talk to him. [Freddie comes back in.] Freddie: Thanks, Dad, I think I got my stance down now. Frasier: [rising] Good boy. Frederick, have a seat for a minute. There's something I want to tell you. [Freddie sits back down in his chair, Frasier sits beside him.] Frasier: Listen, I don't want you to get consumed by this spelling bee thing, all right? It's not important if you're a good speller or the best speller. The important thing is that you have fun. Okay? Freddie: Okay, Dad. You know what would be really fun? Frasier: What's that? Freddie: Kicking butt in the spelling bee. [Frasier laughs and Freddie moves over to the couch as Niles and Daphne come in the front.] Frasier: Oh, Niles. Niles: Hello all. Frasier: Listen, I'm afraid I've got some bad news. I could only get two tickets for the spelling bee competition tomorrow. Daphne: Oh, that's a shame. But we'll be there in spirit. It's probably just as well considering how emotional I get watching children compete. I keep thinking how much it means to them. Like the little girl who studies over candle light while her father's down at the local pub, drinking away the money for the light bill. Or the little girl on the school bus who pretends not to see her father waving at her from the pub. Then there's the little girl who thinks that by doing well she can grow up, purchase the local pub, and turn it into a circus so her father can keep his promise. [She bursts into tears and runs off to her room.] Niles: We had a little wine at lunch. Don't worry about the tickets. While I certainly would have gone to support Freddie, I have to admit wasn't looking forward to being back in that environment. [to Freddie] Don't get sidetracked by all the glitz and glamour of the bee. Spelling well is its own reward. [He heads off to Daphne's room.] Freddie: What was that about? Martin: Well, your Uncle Niles has a painful history with spelling bees. Freddie: Really? Was he any good? Martin: Oh, one of the best to ever compete. Freddie: Better than you Dad? Frasier: Son, as good as I was, my spelling couldn't compare with Niles'. He was right up there with the likes of William Karek from Akron, and that Peterson girl from Omaha. Martin: Except your uncle was even younger. Some people thought he wasn't ready, that it was a mistake to bring him up to The Show right of elementary school, but he made it. All the way to the last word. Freddie: What happened? Frasier: He didn't even try to spell it. He just stood there for a moment, then turned and walked off the stage. Martin: He was immediately disqualified and he never competed again. Freddie: Never? Martin: Sure, he'd spell now and again. But only to help you out and you had to really need it, 'cause he could spot a set-up a mile away. Freddie: Wow. Sounds to me like he choked. Martin: Choked... OR, was he the victim of an elaborate conspiracy? Freddie: Really? [Martin looks behind him.] Martin: Oh, I thought I heard him comin' down the hall. He choked. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - The Spelling Championship [Fade in. There are only four students left on the stage, including Freddie. A young man is at the microphone, the moderator, Dr. Gaston, is at a podium.] Contestant: "Logorrhea". Um, can I have a definition? Martin: Uh-oh, always a bad sign. Gaston: Excessive use of words. Contestant: L-O-G-O-R-H-E-A, "logorrhea". [A buzzer sounds.] Gaston: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. [The boy leaves the stage.] Frasier: So long, home school. Gaston: And that completes the tenth round. We'll begin round eleven of the National Spelling Championship after a five minute intermission. [The audience and contestants get up and Frasier waves Freddie over.] Frasier: Freddie, you're doing great, son, great! Martin: Yeah, you got it made. Especially since that Asian kid was eliminated. They're the ones you have to watch out for. Frasier: Dad! Don't stereotype! Martin: Not even a positive one? Oh geez, what's happenin' in this country? [He heads off. A young girl, one of the other contestants, walks past.] Amanda: Hi, Freddie. Freddie: Hi, Amanda. [He looks after her, a goofy grin on his face, as Frasier gets a suspicious look on his.] Frasier: Don't let her distract you with her wiles, Son. There'll be plenty of women once you win this thing, all right? Okay, now, you were a little wobbly on that last word. Just remember, when the root word is Greek, the "uh" sound is made with the letter "Y". [Martin comes back behind him.] Frasier: So far, all the sneaky ones have had Greek roots. Martin: Oh, so it's okay for you to stereotype! Frasier: Oh... Freddie: Dad, we've run over this a million times. I got it. [to Martin] Where'd you get the soda? Martin: Oh, c'mon, I'll show you. [He leads Freddie outside, a man walks up to Frasier.] John: Hey, hi there. John Clayton. Frasier: Oh, hi. [They shake.] John: My son, he's one of the finalists. Frasier: Oh, nice to meet you. Frasier Crane, I'm Frederick's dad. You've got a great little speller there. John: Ah, yeah. You too. First year, I take it? Frasier: Uh-huh. John: Look, let me give you a little advice: watch out for some of the parents. They can be kinda cutthroat. Frasier: Well, thanks for the tip. John: Yeah, no problem. So, you and Freddie, you work on all the usuals, roots, suffixes, prefixes? Frasier: Yes, yes all of that. John: Good, good. How about attitude? Breathing, endurance... Frasier: Sure, sure. Endurance? John: Excuse me. [He hurries over to his wife.] John: Betsy! The Crane kid's got no legs! [Dr. Gaston returns to the podium.] Gaston: All right, we're ready to resume. [The contestants come back on stage and the girl steps to the microphone.] Gaston: Amanda Abrams. Amanda, your word is "milieu". Amanda: "Milieu", M-I-L-L-I-E-U, "milieu". [The buzzer sounds and Amanda walks off the stage. Frasier gleefully turns to Martin.] Frasier: Won't be long now. [He smiles confidently. Fade out.] Scene 4 - The Spelling Championship 41 WORDS LATER [Fade in. The competition is continuing, with the Freddie and Warren Clayton standing side by side.] Freddie: "Syllepsis", S-Y-L-L-E-P-S-I-S, "syllepsis". Gaston: Warren Clayton, "resipiscence". Warren: R-E-C-I-P-I-S-C-E-N-C-E, "resipiscence". [The buzzer sounds.] Gaston: I'm sorry, but that's incorrect. [Warren walks off the stage.] Gaston: If Frederick Crane gets the next word, he will be the National Champion. Frederick, your word is "hermeneutic". Freddie: Um, may I have a definition? [Frasier and Martin look at each other in alarm.] Gaston: Interpretive or explanatory. Freddie: "Hermeneutic", H-E-R-M-E-N-E-U-T-I-C, "hermeneutic". [As he's been spelling the word, Frasier has been tensing up and spelling silently along with him.] Gaston: We have a new National Champion! Frederick Crane! [Frasier and Martin cheer. Frasier runs up to the stage as a woman hands Freddie the trophy.] Gaston: Congratulations son. [Frasier smiles and puts his arm around the woman behind Freddie to pose for the pictures. Fade out.] Scene 5 - Frasier's Apartment ACTUALLY, THE LETTER 'Y' ISN'T THAT FRIENDLY [SCENE_BREAK] [Fade in. Everyone is gathered around Freddie on the couch.] Daphne: When you were spelling that last word, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Roz: Weren't you scared? Freddie: A little, but then I just kinda relaxed. Frasier: THAT is your spelling stance working for you. Bend at the knees - spell with ease. Daphne: Well, this calls for a toast. Is it all right if he has a little C-H-A-M-P-A-G... Frasier: Daphne, he's the best speller in the country. Daphne: So I should get the good stuff? Frasier: Yes. Niles: You should be very proud of your accomplishment, Freddie. Just keep it in perspective. And don't forget the twenty six little friends who got you here. [Martin comes in from the kitchen and goes to his chair.] Martin: Gather 'round, everybody, almost time for ESPN to air Freddie's interview. Frasier: Oh, that's right! [He grabs the remote and turns on the TV. He then stands there, confused.] Frasier: You know, I have no idea where ESPN is. [He hands it to Martin, who takes it and changes the channel. Roz sits in a dining chair.] Frasier: Thanks Dad. Roz: See, I told you that penny would bring him good luck. Frasier: [sitting] Oh, well, actually, Roz, I never even gave it to him. See, with all of Freddie's hard work and dedication, inspired coaching...he had no need for your superstitious talisman. [The doorbell rings, Frasier goes to answer it.] Roz: It's just a gesture. I mean, I found it at the railroad track, not some enchanted wood. [Frasier opens the door to reveal Dr. Gaston from the competition.] Frasier: Oh, well, what a surprise, please come in. Everyone, this is Doctor Bernard Gaston from the spelling bee. Martin: Oh, hi, Doc. Frasier: Lovely of you to join us in our little celebration. Can I get you some refreshment? Gaston: Unfortunately, this is not a pleasure visit. I must inform you that there has been an accusation of cheating. Martin: Not the Asian kid! [Everyone glares at him.] Martin: What? I said NOT the Asian kid. Would somebody tell me the rules? Frasier: Whoever the culprit is, we have no wish to soil this noble event by filing a formal protest. We're certainly happy with the way things turned out. Gaston: I'm afraid it's Frederick who's been accused of cheating. [Frasier gasps.] Freddie: What!? Frasier: I don't know what kind of a sick joke you're playing, but my son is no cheater! Martin: I was there, I didn't see anything. Gaston: Well we have evidence to the contrary. Mr. and Mrs. Clayton noticed an anomaly on the tape while they were making Warren watch it. Frasier: What sort of an anomaly? Gaston: You were clearly mouthing the letters as Frederick spelled the last word, Dr. Crane. Frasier: I did no such thing! Gaston: We have it on the tape. Frasier: Well, if I did, it certainly wasn't a conscious act. It was like singing along at a concert. You know, I remember being admonished by the ushers for joining in a particularly intense performance of Das Lieb und der Uder! [Freddie gets up.] Freddie: I wasn't even looking at him! Gaston: Let's not make this any more painful than it already is. The committee has reviewed the tape and decided to award the trophy to Warren Clayton. Freddie: What?! You can't do that! Martin: This stinks! Gaston: I'm sure you'd like to avoid embarrassment as much we would so we'll just say this was all due to a technicality. That way, Frederick can keep his regional title and even attend the banquet tomorrow night for all the finalists. [He reaches over and picks the trophy up from the coffee table.] Freddie: This isn't fair. Gaston: I'm sorry, son. I hope I'll see you at the dinner. [He leaves.] Freddie: Thanks a lot, Dad. [He hurries off.] Roz: You should have given him the penny. [SCENE_BREAK] Act 2 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment [Fade in. Martin is in his chair, Freddie is on the couch, playing a video game. Frasier comes in the front door.] Frasier: Great news! I have just spoken to a lawyer who believes we have a case against the spelling bee officials. Isn't that great? [Freddie keeps playing the game as Frasier hangs up his coat.] Frasier: Frederick, look, I know how upset you are. I'm so sorry. Frederick, aren't you going to say something? [Freddie puts down the controller.] Freddie: I talked to Mom today. [He heads for the kitchen.] Frasier: You're a bigger man than I am. Freddie: That's what she said. [He exits.] Frasier: I've really done it this time, haven't I? I feel terrible. He just hates me. Martin: No, he's disappointed, that's all. Frasier: Still, he knows that if I made a mistake it was only because I wanted him to win so badly. Martin: Oh, he'll get over it. Remember when you were thirteen, you had that science project? I came in your room and sat on it? You forgave me. Frasier: True. Spent six months working on that project. Martin: Well, my point is, accidents happen. He'll come to see that. Frasier: I suppose you're right. Three perfectly good chairs in my room, you had to sit on my hybrid orchid. Martin: Well, let's hope Freddie's as forgiving as you are. [Cut to - the kitchen. Niles is cooking, Freddie gets the ice cream out.] Niles: So, you going to go to that banquet tonight, Freddie? Freddie: I don't think so. It'll just be a bunch of people saying bad stuff about me. Niles: None of which is true. Freddie: But they think it is. [Niles gets a scoop and bowl for Freddie.] Freddie: Uncle Niles, is it true that you walked out on the last word of the National Bee? Niles: Now, where did you hear that? Freddie: Dad and Grandpa. They said you were one of the best. Niles: Well, they exaggerate. Freddie: They said you were just as good as somebody named Karek. Niles: "Just as good"? Funny. Anyway, the story is true. I never talked about it before, but I will. Since you also have the gift. Have a seat. [They sit down on the kitchen stools.] Niles: I was a little younger than you. I'd been winning numerous competitions, but I was obsessed with one thing and one thing only: the National Championship. The time finally came and there I was, standing on that stage, waiting for the judge to say the final word, and suddenly it happened. It all clicked. All the rules, "i before e", assimilations, etymologies, they all became one. And then, became nothing. In that moment, I realized there was no word I couldn't spell. Competitions didn't matter anymore because I was one with the higher truth that is spelling. So when the judge said that last word, I just walked away. Freddie: Didn't you care what people said? Niles: Oh, people said a lot of things that weren't true. "He didn't know the word." "He was scared." "Mafia this..." No, it didn't bother me. Because they couldn't take away what I knew in my heart. You know how to spell, and it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. [Freddie starts walking out.] Niles: Hey, hey, don't you want your ice cream? Freddie: No, I have a banquet to go to. [He exits. Fade out.] Scene 2 - The Championship Hall [Fade in. Freddie, Frasier and Niles come in and walk to their table. Amanda is there.] Frasier: Ah, here we are. Freddie: Hi, Amanda. [She walks away without saying anything.] Frasier: Never mind her, Freddie. It's her problem, not yours. You didn't do anything wrong. Freddie: I know. Neither did you. Excuse me. [He gets up and walks out as Dr. Gaston steps to the podium.] Gaston: Good evening. I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you to this year's annual Spell-abration. Because of the irregularities with this year's event, this gathering has been renamed "The Unity Dinner" and is in honor of all the finalists. [There is polite applause, but Frasier looks shocked and leans across to Niles.] Frasier: What the hell is that supposed to mean? "Irregularities"? Niles: Frasier, Frasier, let it go. [John Clayton comes up.] John: Crane, no hard feelings. [He offers his hand and Frasier shakes it.] Frasier: No feelings at all. John: Now, don't be like that. You're not the first person tempted to get around the rules, you just got caught. Frasier: I did not "get caught". John: Well, cameras never lie and cheaters never prosper. Frasier: [rising] And you never shut up! Niles: [getting up] Frasier, Frasier, try to follow Frederick's example and carry ourselves with dignity. [A security guard comes in, dragging Freddie and Warren along. Frasier, Niles and John hurry over.] Guard: Where are your parents? Niles: Freddie? Frasier: What's going on? Guard: I caught these two fighting in the men's room. Warren: He punched me. Frasier: Is this true? Freddie: He deserved it! Niles: Why'd you do it, Freddie? Freddie: He called my dad a cheater! Frasier: You were defending me? Niles: Where's your blazer? Freddie: It's in the bathroom. Niles: Oh, dear. If it's touched the floor, we'll have to destroy it. [He heads off.] Frasier: Freddie, I want you to apologize to Warren right now. John: Yes, and Warren, you apologize too. Being a name-caller's almost as bad as being a cheater. Frasier: I am NOT a cheater! You are a thief. My son is the true champion. Warren: Yeah, when your dad's here to help you. Freddie: Hey, I can out spell you anytime, anyplace! Warren: Oh yeah? How 'bout right now?! John: Hold on Son, we don't have to prove anything. Freddie: I can take you in five words! Warren: Okay, you're on! For the trophy! John: Hey, we already have the trophy. Crane, why don't you talk some sense into your boy, there? Frasier: Freddie... Freddie: Dad, I want to spell. Frasier: What's the matter, John? You scared? [There is a murmur in the crowd.] John: For the trophy! Gaston: We have already selected an official winner. If you'd like to brawl, take it someplace else. John: Let's take it outside! Frasier: To the streets! [Everyone rushes out. Fade to - the alley behind the hall.] Frasier: Sudden death, Scrips-Howard rules! John: Bring it on! [Niles comes out the door.] Niles: People, stop please! Look at yourselves. This is wrong. What are words, after all, but a way to communicate, to bring us together? But you, you're using them as weapons! Now, we still have an opportunity to walk away from here as winners, and wouldn't that be the greatest Spell-abration of all? Frasier: He's right, Son, let's go home. [They turn and head for the door with Niles.] John: Yeah, we're all winners. Except for the two cheaters! [The Crane boys stop, then collect themselves and continue.] Warren: Hey, you know how to spell "loser"? C-R-A-N-E. [Again, the Cranes halt a moment, then keep going.] John: You don't have to worry about ever seeing him again, Son. Chances are he'll end up in a state school. [Freddie, Frasier and Niles whirl around, rage on their faces.] Niles: How DARE you! [to Freddie] Can you take him? Freddie: Yeah! Niles: Then spell his ass off! [They rush back to the middle. Frasier grabs the dictionary from a bystander. Fade out.] [SCENE_BREAK] Freddie is holding the trophy. The other competitors are congratulating him. Amanda comes up and gives him kiss. Niles congratulates him and Freddie offers his uncle the trophy. Niles declines, so Freddie tosses it in a trash can. They head in, then Frasier hurries back out and recovers the trophy, going back inside with it. Fade out.

Frederick is due to compete in the National Spelling Championship, and Frasier has been training him very thoroughly, even in stance and diet. Frederick does extremely well in the spelling bee , and is crowned National Champion. However, the parents of the runner-up notice an anomaly when watching the recording: it seems that Frasier was unconsciously mouthing the letters of the final word as Frederick spelled it out. The trophy is then re-awarded to the runner-up, Warren Clayton, but Frederick and Frasier are still invited to the finalists' banquet, where they are subjected to taunts and accusations of cheating. Frederick will not tolerate his father being called a cheater, and challenges Warren to a re-match.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_20x08

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_20x08_0

SNAKEDANCE BY: CHRISTOPHER BAILEY Part Four First Air Date: 26 January 1983 Running time: 24:29 [SCENE_BREAK] TANHA: You can't do that! LON: Why not? TANHA: It is preposterous to think that anyone is plotting against you, least of all these people. DOCTOR: Your mother is right. LON: I'd expect you to say that. DOCTOR: My only concern is for Tegan and the Great Crystal. AMBRIL: Why should the Great Crystal concern you? DOCTOR: If I'm allowed to live long enough, I'll explain. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Puzzling, isn't it. How can it be happening? Can you believe your eyes? You have no choice. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: You must not do that. TANHA: And why not? LON: Mother. TANHA: No, no, the man is entitled to his say, however preposterous. Of course we can do it. And the Director has agreed, haven't you. AMBRIL: The Great Crystal will be returned to its rightful place during the ceremony. DOCTOR: But why? LON: Why what? DOCTOR: Why did you request it, and why did he agree? TANHA: Why not? It is actually one of the few advantages of being a member of the Federator's family. CHELA: But it's forbidden. It's forbidden by tradition going back five hundred years! LON: Is that why you propose to assassinate me? TANHA: I thought we'd cleared that up. DOCTOR: Who said we wanted to assassinate you? LON: I'm not here to be questioned by you. DOCTOR: No, of course not. How foolish of me. I've been very stupid. Do you remember me telling you, Nyssa, on the Kinda world, the mark of the Mara? I should have realised. LON: They'd never believe you. TANHA: What are you two talking about? DOCTOR: Where's Tegan? What have you done with her? TANHA: Tegan? Who is Tegan? LON: Another of the Doctor's companions who apparently he has lost. TANHA: Why is he asking you about her? LON: How should I know, Mother? The man's a complete fool. DOCTOR: You won't succeed. In the end, evil never does. TANHA: What does he mean, evil? Who is evil? LON: Oh, I am, Mother. Isn't it obvious? Your son is evil. After all, why else would they want to kill me. Don't you see? TANHA: I most certainly do. Take them away. Take all of them away. LON: No, I think we can afford to be generous on today of all days. At least let them see the Great Crystal just once, just for a moment, don't you think? AMBRIL: My Lord. LON: Indulge me. That's close enough. Right. AMBRIL: Shall I? LON: If you wouldn't mind. DOCTOR: Now! DOCTOR: Come on, there's no time for that! LON: Well, don't just stand there, after them! AMBRIL: Me? LON: Yes, you, and take that fool with you. [SCENE_BREAK] CHELA: Where are we going? DOCTOR: To find Tegan. CHELA: We don't even know if she's still alive. DOCTOR: Tegan won't die until the Mara within her is free. NYSSA: If Lon has been affected by the Mara, why hasn't he changed? DOCTOR: Same reason as Tegan. He still has a lot of his own personality. CHELA: But he is influenced? DOCTOR: Very much so. DOCTOR: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] LON: Well? AMBRIL: No sign, my Lord. I'm afraid they seem to have got away. LON: Do they. AMBRIL: Yes. I've issued the necessary instruction. A search party is being organised. LON: It doesn't matter. What can they do now? AMBRIL: As you say, my Lord. LON: Well? AMBRIL: I only wish to remind you, my Lord LON: I've not forgotten. AMBRIL: Our arrangement. LON: Yes. AMBRIL: You promised immediately after the ceremony, my Lord. LON: Go away. TANHA: Lon, what arrangement? What did you promise him? LON: Nothing, Mother. It doesn't matter. TANHA: I know you, you're planning something. Is it to be a surprise? LON: Yes, Mother. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: In here. CHELA: It's all right, I think we've managed to lose them. CHELA: I'm sorry, Doctor, it's just the surprise. DOCTOR: What is it? CHELA: You've been touched by an attendant demon. You must forfeit a coin. It's the custom, I'm afraid. DOCTOR: Custom? CHELA: On the day of the ceremony, the attendant demons seek out the unwary. Anyone they touch with the evil must pay up or, er. DOCTOR: Or what? CHELA: Have water tipped over their heads. It's part of the fun. DOCTOR: I'm afraid I don't have a coin. CHELA: Here you are. May you never feel the serpent's tooth. DOCTOR: I wish it was that easy.) NYSSA: Doctor, what are we going to do? DOCTOR: How long have we got? When does the actual ceremony begin? CHELA: Well, first the Great Snake is taken in procession through the streets before going up to the cave. DOCTOR: How long? CHELA: A few hours. DOCTOR: I wonder if there's still time. There must be. It's our only hope. Come on. CHELA: Where are we going? DOCTOR: Change of plan. To find Dojjen. [SCENE_BREAK] TANHA: But if it's nothing, why won't you let me see it? LON: I told you, Mother, it's just a scratch. TANHA: It could become infected. How did it happen? Why didn't you tell me? LON: It was an accident. TANHA: What sort of an accident? I would just like to check LON: Mother! For the last time, will you leave me alone! [SCENE_BREAK] MAN: Now the Great Snake has come to claim his own. Who has the power to turn away his face? Which one of you has the strength to turn away? Who can protect us now? Submit! Submit! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Come on. CHELA: If we could steal the Great Crystal, this trek wouldn't be necessary. DOCTOR: It's not as simple as that. NYSSA: Why not? DOCTOR: We wouldn't be preventing the Mara's return, only postponing it. It would continue to exist as a mental force. No, this time we must destroy it completely. NYSSA: But how? DOCTOR: I don't know. NYSSA: And you think Dojjen will be able to tell us? DOCTOR: I hope so. CHELA: Dojjen hasn't been seen for ten years. He could be anywhere, assuming he's still alive. DOCTOR: You're forgetting we do have this. CHELA: How will that help to find him? DOCTOR: It won't. It will help him find us. Trust me. [SCENE_BREAK] LON: Well? AMBRIL: I've taken the liberty of bringing the costume that you must wear for the ceremony, my Lord. LON: Oh good. Look, Mother. AMBRIL: It's an exact replica of the costume worn by your ancestor, the Founder of the Federation, when he destroyed the Mara five hundred years ago. LON: How very appropriate. AMBRIL: I beg your pardon, my Lord? LON: Don't you think so, Mother? LON: Well, I'm going to try it on. Are you coming? [SCENE_BREAK] CHELA: How far are we going? DOCTOR: This should be fine. NYSSA: What now? DOCTOR: Sympathetic resonance. NYSSA: Doctor? DOCTOR: Thought directed at this crystal should set up a resonance which is picked up and echoed by another. CHELA: So? DOCTOR: Well, the Snake Dancers wear these, don't they? CHELA: So I gather. NYSSA: Of course. The crystal will act like a radio wave, transmitting thoughts instead of words. CHELA: Establishing a mental link. DOCTOR: Hopefully. CHELA: Will it work? NYSSA: Well? DOCTOR: Now we wait. [SCENE_BREAK] LON: Mother? TANHA: Let me look at you. LON: Am I forgiven? TANHA: What? Oh yes, of course. Aren't you always? Come here. LON: Well, what do you think? TANHA: You look splendid. It fits exactly, don't you think so? AMBRIL: Remarkable fit, my Lady, truly remarkable. TANHA: Let me look at you. Oh, I am going to be so proud. [SCENE_BREAK] CHELA: If what you say is true, why didn't Dojjen destroy the Great Crystal while he was still Director? DOCTOR: Good question. Nyssa asked exactly the same thing. CHELA: Well? DOCTOR: I don't know. Perhaps we'll find that out too. NYSSA: Doctor! CHELA: Dojjen. [SCENE_BREAK] MAN: Abandon yourselves and follow the path of the snake. Follow the path. Who dare resist the power of the snake? [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: Doctor, no. What are you doing? DOCTOR: I'm afraid we have no choice if we're to have any hope of saving Tegan. NYSSA: But its bite could be deadly. DOCTOR: Yes, I do know. DOJJEN (OOV.): No, look into my eyes. You have come this far. You must not now give in to fear. Look. DOCTOR (OOV.): It's the poison. The effect of the poison. DOJJEN (OOV.): Fear is the only poison. DOCTOR (OOV.) Fear is. DOJJEN (OOV.): Ask your question. DOCTOR (OOV.): How, how can, I must save Tegan. It was my fault, so how, how can. Destroyed. How can the Mara? It was my fault. DOJJEN (OOV.): Steady your mind. Attach to nothing. Let go of your fear. DOCTOR (OOV.): What is the Snake Dance? DOJJEN (OOV.): This is, here and now. The dance goes on. It is all the dance, everywhere and always. So, find the still point. Only then can the Mara be defeated. DOCTOR (OOV.): The still point? The point of safety? A place in the chamber somewhere. Where? DOJJEN (OOV.): No, the still point is within yourself, nowhere else. To destroy the Mara you must find the still point. Point. Point. Point. Point. [SCENE_BREAK] AMBRIL: The snake is approaching, my Lady. We should take our seats. TANHA: Yes, certainly. AMBRIL: My Lord, the Great Crystal. LON: I will tell you when. AMBRIL: Very well, my Lord. [SCENE_BREAK] MAN: Following the path of the great snake. Submit! Abandon yourselves and follow in the path of the great snake. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: Doctor? Oh, thank goodness. I thought for a moment DOCTOR: Thought what? No, I survived. NYSSA: But how? DOCTOR: I don't know. Somehow he saw me through. CHELA: We must hurry. DOCTOR: Yes, of course. The ceremony. NYSSA: Did you find out what you needed to know? DOCTOR: I think I did, we'll have to see. I just hope we're not too late. CHELA: Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] MAN: Who will challenge the Mara? Who will pluck the Great Crystal of knowledge from between the Mara's jaws and set us free? TANHA: (quietly) Lon. AMBRIL: Not yet, my Lady. MAN: For the second time I will ask it. For the third and final time. LON: I will. MAN: Bring the stranger forward. You dare to challenge the power of the Mara? LON: I do. MAN: And in whose name do you wish to do so? LON: In the name of the Federation, and in my own. MAN: First, let the stranger prove his worthiness. Prepare him for the test. MAN: Are you ready to face the triple temptation? LON: I am ready. MAN: The first temptation is fear. I offer you fear in a handful of dust. LON: I do not fear. I spread my fingers and the dust trickles away. I know that whilst I live my hand is clean, my eyes are bright. That is enough. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Come on, jump. NYSSA: Thank you. It wasn't necessary. [SCENE_BREAK] MAN: The second temptation. LON: I am ready. MAN: The second temptation is to despair. I offer you despair in a withered branch. LON: I do not despair. I turn my hand and the branch drops to the earth. I know the sap will rise again and the roots will sprout. That is enough. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: Shush. CHELA: The ceremony must have started. DOCTOR: Well, let's hope we're not too late. NYSSA: Doctor, look. [SCENE_BREAK] MAN: The third and final temptation is to succumb to greed. Stranger, now you must look into the crystal without greed for knowledge. I offer you greed in the hidden depths. MAN: My Lord, you must not touch it. Not yet. LON: Why mustn't I? MAN: The crystal of knowledge has hidden depths. LON: What do you mean, hidden depths. Where are they? Show them to me. It's just a fake. Your whole ceremony is a fake. LON: It's nothing. It's just glass. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Come on, come on. Hurry up. [SCENE_BREAK] LON: A childish fake at the centre of a farce created by a civilisation that has gone soft. Today I bring real knowledge. Real knowledge and real power. Give it to me. AMBRIL: My Lord, I really do think LON: Give me the Great Crystal. TANHA: Lon, no, please. What is wrong with you? LON: Mother, let go. TANHA: What is that? LON: Now, give me the Great Crystal. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Now! DOCTOR: You left that a bit late. [SCENE_BREAK] LON: Now listen to me, all of you. I hold in my hands the Great Crystal. The Great Crystal that was removed from its socket by my ancestor, when the Mara was banished to the dark places of the inside. Now, after five hundred years, the Mara has returned. It's fitting that it should be I who restores the Great Crystal to its rightful owner. TEGAN: Go on, do it now. DOCTOR: No! No! DOCTOR: No! No more, you must not look! The Mara is feeding off the fear and panic. It needs it. You must not believe what you see. The Great Crystal is absorbing the belief and creating the Mara. Don't look! Reach inside yourselves and find the still point. Oh Nyssa, Nyssa. TEGAN: What is happening? Who dares to interrupt the Becoming? Who does not believe? Submit. All minds must submit. Look at me. You must look at me. You cannot resist. It is impossible. No! Stop him! He must be stopped. Help me, Doctor. What's happening to me? Please, look at me, Doctor. I need your help. DOCTOR: No, I will not submit. TEGAN: No! The crystal! Destroy the crystal! It will prevent my DOCTOR: Thank you. TEGAN: It was awful. It was awful. DOCTOR: It's all right. It's all over now. TEGAN: The feelings of hate and rage. It was terrible. I wanted to destroy everything. DOCTOR: Well, you're free of it now. TEGAN: The Mara's gone for ever? DOCTOR: Yes. The Mara has been destroyed.

The Mara's plan is close to fruition, the Doctor comes to prevent the Mara from finalizing the plan with the knowledge that Dojjen imparted to him.

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fd_Glee_01x20_0

Scene 1 - Figgin's Office - Figgins,Tina,Will Tina is dressed in total goth look and Figgins look at her with rage in his eyes. Tina : Am I in trouble? Will : Come on. You've got more self-esteem than that. I think this might have something to do with your perfect attendance last semester. Figgins : No. Miss Cohen-Chang is in trouble. It has come to my attention that the look you sport is what is known as goth.American teens are coming down with a serious case of Twilight fever,transformed from normal children into vampires obsessed with the occult. And only yesterday,this dark specter reared its head at McKinley High. Flash Back - Lockers-Lauren and a clique of Team Edward and Jacob ,Jacob Ben Israel Some girls are in front of the lockers with Team Edward and Team Jacob T-shirts. Lauren : This is totally going to get Robert Pattinson's attention. Hissing Jacob : Oh, hey. (Girls roaring and screaming jump on him) Oh, dear God! End of Flash Back Will : I don't mean to state the obvious,but you do know that vampires aren't real, right ? They don't exist. Figgins : William, denial will not make this problem go away ! Tina : My parents won't even let me watch Twilight. My mom says she thinks Kristin Stewart seems like a bitch. Figgins : This is a serious problem ! Miss Cohen-Chang, you've got to find yourself another style of dress ! Will : Hold on a second. Tina is shy and one way she's found to express herself is through her clothes. High school is an incredibly important time when kids get to explore who they are. When I was in high school, I had a whole year where I dressed exactly like Kurt Cobain. I mean, come on. There has to be someone who you used to dress like. Figgins : Yes. For several years in my early 20s, I dressed up as Elvis.But he was a Christian, Will ! And he did not possess the ability to transform into a bat ! Will (whispering to Tina) : I think he thinks vampires are real. Tina : I think you're right. Figgins : Studies have shown that a strict dress code fosters a safe and stable learning environment with fewer instances of gang violence and vampirism. So, if I see you dressed in lacy demon clothes again, Tina Cohen-Chang, (pounds desk) You will be suspended ! Scene 2 - Hummel's House Basement - Burt,Carole,Finn,Kurt Carole : Step. Couple more. Finn : Is there a car down here from me ? Carole : Honey, we're indoors. Finn : Oh. Okay. Carole : And open your eyes. Kurt : Sparkling cider ? Carole : Yeah. Finn : "Welcome home" ? But who went somewhere ? Carole : Burt asked us to move in with them. Finn : And this is how you're telling me ? Kurt : The party is my idea. If you're gonna say something, say it loud, right? Burt : Yeah. It's gonna take some getting used to, but trust me, you're gonna love it,okay ? Now you don't have to drag your tail over here every time you want to watch something on the old 55-incher. We got a lot of food - some ethnic food. It's some ethnicity, that's not ours. Kurt : Tuna crudit . Tuna crudit . It's not ethnic. Burt : Here you go. Carole : Finn, this house is twice as big as ours. It has two bathrooms. Burt : Two and a half. Finn : I don't want an extra bathroom or a tuna crude. I just want my house back. Kurt : I think I know what this resistance is about. Our room. And I couldn't agree more. The palate in here is totally unflattering to your skin tone. Not everyone can pull off Dior gray. We need to redecorate. Finn : Wait, we're sharing a room ? I'm not cool with that ! Carole : Baby, I know it's weird, okay ? But can't be much of a surprise. And, in time, you're gonna be as happy as I am. Burt : Yeah, look, I'll knock out a wall upstairs, I'll put an addition on, okay ? But-but until then, maybe this will grease the wheels a bit, huh ? (He takes a 300 bill out and givex it to Finn but Kurt takex it before Finn can react) Hey. Look, that's 300. Have at it. You redecorate this place. Kurt : Don't worry, roomie. Mr. Ikea Catalog and I will have this all figured out. I am going to put together a palate that expresses who you are and who I want you to be. Who you want to be. Burt : Hey, what night's game night ? You play Sorry ? Carole : You know... Kurt : He will now. Burt : I will beat you. Scene 3 - Choir Room - All the Glee Club and Mr Schue Tina changed her look and wears a jogging that looks like pajamas. Artie : It's so weird. Finn : This so isn't you. Tina : I feel like an Asian Branch Davidian. Will : Tina, are there any other looks you can try? Santana : Biker chick ? (Tina puts her thumb down showing she doesn't agree) Finn : Cowgirl? Mercedes : Hood rat. Quinn : Computer programmer. Britanny : Cross-country skier. Puck : Catholic schoolgirl. Britanny : Happy Meal, no onions. Or a chicken. Tina : Look, I appreciate it, guys,but it just isn't me. I know who I am, and I'm not allowed to show it. It's like communism. Rachel (showing up in the room) : Guys, we have a serious problem. You know how I've been doing some deep background on Vocal Adrenaline ? Artie : Isn't that against the rules ? Rachel : No, not at all. Or probably. Whatever ! Anyway, what I figured out; I rooted through the Dumpsters behind the Carmel auditorium and I found 18 empty boxes of Christmas lights. Tina : Oh, no. Rachel : Which led me to Joelle Fabrics. I asked them about red Chantilly lace. They were sold out. Mercedes : Oh, sweet Jesus. Kurt : Oh, my. Will : Wait, what? Kurt : They're doing Gaga. Mercedes : That's it. It's over. Rachel : Exactly. Kurt : We should have guessed it. They're going for full-out theatricality. They know it's the easiest way to beat us. Damn them. Puck : What's up with this Gaga dude ? He just, like, dresses weird,right ? Like Bowie ? Rachel scoffs Kurt (aggresive to Puck) : Lady Gaga is a woman. She's only the biggest pop act to come along in decades. She's boundary-pushing, the most theatrical performer of our generation. And she changes her look faster than Brit changes sexual partners. Britanny : That's true. Artie : It makes sense that Vocal Adrenaline would pay homage. It's a brilliant move. She's a perfect fit for them. Will : Hold on a second. We might be able to kill two birds with one stone here. We can help Tina find a new look and find a competitive number for regionals. This week, your assignment : Gaga. The girls and Kurt are gasping and murmuring,the guys don't seem as happy as them of the week challenge Rachel : Pens, we need pens. My ideas just come to me. Will : Uh, my office. Right there. Rachel : I'm brainstorming. It's coming. Scene 4-Carmel High Auditorium-Vocal Adrenaline,Shelby,Rachel,Quinn,Mercedes Vocal Adrenaline are in rehearsal while Quinn Mercedes and Rachel are spying them. Shelby : And claw, claw, uh, clap, clap. And five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four... Mercedes : Think they can see us ? Quinn (whispering) : If they catch us, are we gonna have to go to jail ? Rachel (whispering) : Stealing their ideas is not a crime. Shelby : ...Six, seven, eight. And one, two... Rachel (whispering) : Your shoes are making noise. Shelby : ...And five, six, seven, eight. And one, two, three, four, five, six and seven... Rachel : They look amazing. Shelby : ...Claw, claw, uh, clap, clap. And five, six- uh, uh... Okay, okay, okay, just... enough. You guys aren't getting it. You're letting the costumes do all the work. Theatricality isn't about crazy outfits. It's not enough to douse yourselves with gasoline. You have to light yourselves on fire to make it work. Rachel : God, she's good. Shelby : But being theatrical doesn't mean you have to be a nuclear explosion. It can be like, like a quiet storm. You just have to radiate emotion,express what's deep inside you. That's what theatricality is truly about. Do I have to demonstrate ? "Funny Girl", E flat. Rachel : Exactly what I would have done : Barbra. I could do it in my sleep. Funny Girl Rachel recognizes her birth mom's voice, she gets up and goes to the stage. Mercedes : Where are you going ? Quinn : Get back here. Shelby finishes the song and Rachel calls to her Rachel : Ms. Corcoran ? I'm Rachel Berry, I'm your daughter. Both of them are sitting in the bleachers. Rachel : Did you ever regret it? Shelby : Yes. Then no. Then so much. Rachel : W-When did you realize it was the right time for me to find you ? Shelby (chuckles) : I saw you sing at sectionals. You were extraordinary. You were me. (chuckles) Rachel : Was it hard for you to not become a star ? To not have your dreams come true ? Shelby : It felt like a broken promise. Like the Fisher King's wound - never heals. Rachel : Wow. Genetics really are amazing. You see the world with the same fierce theatricality as I do. Even the way we're sitting right now is so dramatic, and yet we feel so comfortable with it. Shelby : I've missed so much. How do you feel ? Rachel : Thirsty. When I was little and I used to get sad,my dads would bring me a glass of water. It got so I couldn't tell if I was sad or just thirsty. Shelby : I shouldn't have done this. This was supposed to feel good. W-We were supposed to have some kind of slow-motion run into each other's arms. This is all wrong. Rachel : Maybe we can just go to dinner or something just to get over the initial shock. Shelby : I'm so sorry, Rachel. Uh... I'll... I'll call you. Scene 5 - Will's Office - Will, Finn Will : Oh, hey, Finn, come on in. I'm learning all this amazing stuff about Lady Gaga. She's got this thing called the "Haus of Gaga" which is like this collective of artists and designers who collaborate on, on her styles and stage sets and her music. I think it's an exciting model for what we could be doing in Glee Club. Finn : Yeah, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I don't want to do Lady Gaga. And I suspect that... with the exception of Kurt... that none of the other guys are gonna want to do it either. I just feel like we're always doing whatever the girls want us to do. Will : Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Maybe I haven't been listening to you guys hard enough. So let's find a solution. Finn : Well, I, uh, I actually already have one. Scene 6 - Corridor - Quinn, Puck, Tina, Kurt, Karofsky, Azimio Puck : You're wrong. It's a really good name. It's a rock star name. Quinn : You want to name our daughter"Jack Daniels" ? She's a girl ! Puck : Okay, fine, whatever. Jackie Daniels. Quinn : The name is not the point. I told you this. I'm giving up the baby so I don't have to do this with you. This is good for you. Now you can go off and be a rock star yourself. Tina : I love wearing champagne bubbles ! I get to express a whole different side of myself ! Because even though I'm painfully shy and obsessed with death, I'm a really effervescent person. Karofski and Azimio push them against the lockers but Kurt disagrees. Kurt : Excuse me ! Were you dropped on your heads ? ! Karofsky : What was that ? Kurt : I think you heard me. I'm just saying. Pick on me - that's fine - but don't throw around a girl. Azimio : Well, you know, lately, we haven't been able to tell the difference. We're not gaga for Gaga. Karofsky : You dress all freaky, and then you rub it in everybody's faces. I don't want to look at it all day ! It's weird. It makes my eyes tired. Azimio : If you want to switch it up a bit, just go from Gap to Banana Republic. Kurt : It's called being theatrical. We're showing off who you are. It's the same thing you do when you go to school with your football uniforms on. You're expressing yourself, and we have every right to do the same. Azimio : Well, you know what ? The next time you want to express yourself a little like a circus freak, don't be shocked when my fist (shocks the locker with his fist) feels like expressing itself against your chin ! Okay ? Knock that crazy fool crepe-paper nonsense offa you. Karofsky : Let's go. Kurt : Yeah, you don't want to be late for your appointment at Supercuts! Azimio : Watch your mouth, Hummel ! Karofsky : And you know what, fancy ? You don't need an appointment at Supercuts. They love walk-ins. (They both chortle, the school bell rings) Scene 7 - Choir Room - All the club and Will Will : Little monsters, take a bow. (He laughs, applauses) All right ! Ladies, Kurt, I am really, really impressed. Sientete. You know, you know what the best part is ? Each one of those costumes shows off a different aspect of your personalities. Puck : Wait. Where's Rachel ? I mean, I only noticed because, like five minutes have without her saying something totally obnoxious. Mercedes : Rachel kinda got some intense news yesterday. Quinn : We were spying on Vocal Adrenaline, and... Will (cuting her) : You guys, that's not fair ! You gotta stop doing that. But, uh, you know, what, what'd you find out? Mercedes : Okay, y'all ready ? Miss Corcoran, their coach ? She's Rachel's mom. Will : Are you serious? Artie : Way to bury the lead, Mercedes. Puck : We're screwed. Rachel's gonna jump ship over to Vocal Adrenaline. Rachel : Never ! I really don't want to talk about it, though. I'm still processing the news. And my dads are moving my therapist to our spare room later this afternoon. All I can know is that I'm not going anywhere, and I've chosen a Lady Gaga look that expresses the longing for a childhood I was deprived of. Britanny : You look terrible. I look awesome. Mercedes : I think it's the Kermit - the - Frog look. Kurt : And we have a jumper. Rachel : Well, my dads can't sew, so these are just stapled on. Will : Guys, why don't we worry about this later, and maybe try to focus on the song? Rachel : Couldn't agree more. Hit it! Bad Romance Mike Matt and Will applause, Finn Artie and Puck don't look so optimistic but they still applause Will : All right! Scene 8 - Boys Bathroom - Finn, Azimio and Karofsky Finn is drawing a lighter on his face with a Kohl crayon but Azimio and Karofsky come out from the toilet and caught him with the make up on his face Karofsky : What up, Finn? Azimio : What's that on your face ? You got a bad pimple or something? Karofsky : A Finn-ple? Azimio and Karofsky laugh Karofsky : Dude, are you wearing makeup ? Azimio : I knew it was contagious. You moved in with that little Kurt kid, and now you got a bad case of the gay. Finn : It's just something for Glee Club, all right ? Karofsky : Oh, well, then it's (He pushes Finn back) definitely not gay, huh ? Finn (pushing him back) : Get out of my way ! Azimio : Man, how many times do we got go through this ? ! You being a jock and being in this Glee Club does not make you versatile. It makes you bisexual. Karofsky : And if we have to kick your ass to make you understand that, then our schedules are wide open. Azimio : Get out of my bathroom. You girls, y'all belong across the hallway. Glee boy ! Karofsky laughs and they both get out of the bathroom leaving Finn ashamed. He sighs Scene 9 - Carmel High Auditorium - Vocal Adrenaline, Shelby and Rachel Intrumental version of Bad Romance is playing while Vocal Adrenaline is dancing dressed in red satin queen costume. The music stops. Rachel is watching them wearing an horrible blanket with sleeves. Shelby : Yeah, that's better, guys. Take five. And, ladies, I don't want to hear about chafing just because you're being forced to wear metal underwear. Not my problem. Rachel : Mom ? Shelby : Honey, you gotta stop sneaking into these rehearsals. Rachel : It's kind of important. (She opens her blanket revealing her Lady Gaga's outfit) Shelby : Oh, dear God. Rachel : My dads can't sew. I really need a mom right now. Do you think you can help ? Scene 10 - MMHS Auditorium - Glee Club and Mr Schue The girls and Kurt are sitting in the bleachers waiting for the guys to show up their theatricality Rachel : Sorry I'm late. Mercedes : Whoa, looking good, Rachel ! Rachel : Thanks. My mom made it. Britanny (in the background) : Very nice. Will : Well, we're all here, so without further ado, I'd like to introduce The Boys! Artie (from the backstadge) : Lima, Ohio, get ready to rock ! Girls laugh and cheer the boys as if they were rockstars. Shout It Out Will : All right, guys, very impressive. Very, very... loud. (chuckles). But what, uh, what does that performance express ? And what do those costumes illustrate ? Mike : We did our research, Mr. Shue. Puck : Yeah, Finn's demon look is because Gene Simmons liked comic books as a kid, and they called Paul Stanley the "Star Child" because he was a romantic or something. But that doesn't really explain my whore lips. Artie : And my Ace Frehley is supposed to be a spaceman from another planet. Mike's iconic catman is because Peter Criss claimed to have nine lives. Matt : Yeah, and I'm dressed as the guy who replaced Artie when he quits. Will : Well, congratulations, guys. Job well done. Let's give it up for the boys ! The girls all cheer them up. Scene 11- Corridor - Kurt, Tina, Azimio and Karofsky Kurt : I thought the boy's KISS number was good, although the lyrics did leave something to be desired. Tina : And Finn kept sticking his tongue out and I couldn't stop picturing him licking stuff. It was disturbing. They're stopped on their way by Karofsky and Azimio looking angry because of the Gaga's clothes that Kurt and Tina are still wearing. Karofsky : We warned you. Azimio : Now Gaga's got to go. Kurt and now Finn's room too - Kurt and Finn Lady Gaga's Speachless is playing in the background Kurt : Could you have a word with Azimio and Karofsky about harassing me without damaging my Gaga outfit ? Finn : Are you serious ? Do you know how difficult it is with those guys ? They already think we're boyfriends. Kurt : Let them think what they want. They're Neanderthals. In three years, they'll be cleaning my septic tank. Finn : Don't you get it ? It's not just them. We live in Ohio - not New York or San Francisco or some other city where people eat vegetables that aren't fried. I don't understand why you always need to make such a big spectacle of yourself. Why can't you just work harder at blending in? Kurt : I'm sure that'd be easier for you. Finn : You know, it would. Finn tries to get his Kiss makeup off his face but he doesn't succeed. Kurt comes to help him. Kurt : You are such a boy. You're going to have to use a moist towelette if you want to get that makeup off. He begins to touch Finn's cheek with the towelette but Finn doesn't react very well. Finn : Don't touch me! Kurt : What is your problem, Finn ? It's just a moist towelette ! Finn : I'm gonna finish in the laundry room. Kurt : Grow up, Finn ! He kicks in the boudoir chair. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 12 - Will's Office - Shelby and Will Shelby : I know why you called, and don't worry about it. My reconnection with Rachel is not some kind of plot to mess with you guys before regionals. Will : I'm not worried about regionals. It's Rachel. She's special. She's got all of the best of you. She's strong-willed, dramatic, wildly talented. Shelby : Go on. Will : But she's not hard like you. She's fragile. Over-emotional. And she's clearly convinced herself that you are as committed to this reunion as she is. And I don't think you are. You're not prepared to have a teenage daughter. Are you ? Shelby : I can't have any more kids. There were issues a few years back. Then some surgery, and that's that. I really wanted a daughter. That's why it was so important to me to make that bond with her. But you're right. I wanted my baby back. Rachel's an adult now. She doesn't need me. Will : Shelby, I can't tell you what to do... But if you really love her, you have to tell her what you just told me. Scene 13 - Kurt and Finn's Room redecorated by Kurt - Kurt, Finn and Burt Kurt : I had to skip school to finish it, but I think you're really going to like it. Consider it a peace offering after all the yelling that we've been doing. I used Marlene Dietrich and Gary Cooper in Morocco as my inspiration. It's a perfect blend of the masculine and the feminine; the muted and the theatrical. Finn : Are you freaking insane ? I can't live here. I'm a dude. (pointing the folding-screen) What the hell is that supposed to be ? Kurt : It's a privacy partition. It's all I could find on such short notice. Why are you getting angry about everything ? I worked hard on this. Finn (yelling at him) : That's not a privacy partition ! Why is it so hard for you to understand ? I don't want to get dressed in front of you ! Do you know that I put my underwear on in the shower before I come out when you're around ? I just... I don't want to have to worry about that kind of stuff in my own room, man. Kurt (hurting) : And what stuff are you referring to? Finn : You know. You know what I'm talking about. Don't play dumb. Why can't you just accept that I'm not like you ? Kurt :I have accepted that. Finn (sounding kind) : No, you haven't. You think I don't see the way you stare at me ? How flirty you get. You think I don't know why you got so excited that we were going to be moving in together? Kurt (getting angry at Finn) :It's just a room, Finn ! We can redecorate it if you want to! Finn (playing unfair with Kurt and getting angry at him) : Okay, good. Well, then the first thing that needs to go is that faggy lamp. And then we need to get rid of this faggy couch cover... Burt (coming down to Finn because he heard him yelling at Kurt) : Hey ! What did you just call him? Finn (looking guilty) : Oh, no, no, I didn't call him anything.I was talking to the blanket. Burt : If you use that word, you're talking about him. Kurt (defending Finn) : Relax, Dad. I didn't take it that way. Burt : Yeah, that's because you're 16 and you still assume the best in people. You live a few years, you start seeing the hate in people's hearts. Even the best people. You use the "N" word? Finn : Of course not. Burt : How about "retard" ? You call that nice girl in Cheerios ! With Kurt, you call her a retard? Finn : Becky-- no. She's my friend. She's got Down syndrome. I'd never call her that. That's cruel. Burt : But you think it's okay to come into my house and say "faggy" ? Finn : That's not what I meant... Burt : I know what you meant ! What, you think I didn't use that word when I was your age ? You know, some kid gets clocked in practice, we'd tell him to stop being such a fag. Shake it off. We meant it exactly the way you meant it. That being gay is wrong. That it's some kind of punishable offense. I really thought you were different, Finn. You know, I thought that being in Glee Club and being raised by your mom meant that you were some, you know, new generation of dude who saw things differently. Who just kind of, you know, came into the world knowing what has taken me years of struggling to figure out. I guess I was wrong. I'm sorry, Finn, but you can't... you can't stay here. Kurt (crying) :Dad. Burt : I love your mom. And maybe this is going to cost me her,but my family comes first. I can't have that kind of poison around. This is our home, Kurt. He is my son. Out in the world, you do what you want, but not under my roof. Finn leaves the place,speechless Burt : The place looks great. He puts a hand on Kurt's shoulder who's still crying and goes upstairs .Kurt sits on the couch. Scene 14 - Choir Room - The Glee Club and Will Kurt : You look like you should be in orbit. Tina : My balls keep fallinoff. Kurt : I've been there. (He looks at Finn with anger) Finn (whispering to Kurt) : I want to talk about this. Kurt (whispering back to him with arrogance) : There's not much to say. I feel sorry for you. I thought you were different. Finn : I am different. They are cutting off in their talk by M.Schue. Will : All right, let's get things started. Puck : Mr. Shue. There's something I want to say to Quinn. And I want everybody to hear it. Will : All right. Puck (walking into the room) : At first I didn't really get this theatrical assignment, being larger than life and putting it all out there,'cause I'm kind of like that all the time. That's how my dad was, too. He was too busy being all crazy and rock and roll to be there for his kid. And you know what ? I didn't care that my dad was a badass. I just wanted him to be there. And he never was. And then I learned all this KISS stuff and while Jackie Daniels is a great name for like a powerboat or something, it's not right for a baby girl. So if my KISS mates will help me out, I got a better idea. Grab a stool, guys. Beth Puck (to Quinn) : I know you're giving her up, but before you do, I think you should name her Beth. If you'll let me, I'd really like to be there when she's born. I'd really like to meet her. Quinn nods with tears in her eyes. Scene 15 - WMHS Auditorium - Rachel, Shelby and Brad Shelby : So, how'd your dads come up with the name "Rachel"? Rachel : They were, um, big Friends fans. I know why you're here... to say good-bye. Shelby : I really wanted this to work. Do you know what really turned me ? That story that you told me about your dads, and how they'd bring you water when you were sad. We're never gonna have anything like that. It's too late for us. I just think that anything we share right now is gonna be confusing for you. Rachel : I just don't understand. You're my mom. I feel awful right now, and I should want to just fall into your arms and let you rock me and tell me everything is gonna be fine, but... I just don't feel it. Shelby : It's because I'm your mother, but I'm not your mom. Rachel : So what ? Do we just pretend we don't know each other now ? Shelby : That seems silly. Let's just be grateful for one another... from afar. For a while. Don't think for a second I'm gonna go soft on you during regionals. Rachel (sniffles) : Bring it. (chuckles) Shelby : Can I have a hug good-bye ? Rachel : Sure. (sniffles) Shelby : Can you do me one more favor ? Sometime when you're thirsty... (She's taking a package off of her bag and opens it. It contains a gold star water cup.) Can you get yourself some water from this cup ? Gold stars are kinda my thing. Rachel : Of course. (chuckles) Shelby... before you go, will... will you sing with me ?Just one time. It's sort of a fantasy of mine, and it would really mean a lot to me. Shelby : I would be honored. Rachel : Brad ! (whispering to Shelby) He's always just around. (Brad sits on the piano couch and Rachel gives him some scores) Um, take that. Here you go.(chuckles) Poker Face Shelby : You are really, really good. Shelby leaves Rachel sad with the gold star cup. Scene 16 - Choir Room - The Glee Club, Will, Azimio and Karofsky Will : Whoa ! Guys, why are you all in your theatricality costumes? Artie : It's the end of the week. We were kinda hoping to learn what the lesson of the assignment was. Will : Well, um... You guys have had some great numbers this week, but I'm not totally sure that I know either. They all laugh. Tina (coming into the room in her Gothic clothes) : I do. I refuse to dress like somebody I'm not to be somebody I'm not. And I learned it's good to be a little theatrical. Flash Back :School Corridor - Tina and Figgins Figgins is going home but runs into Tina who's dressed like a vampire. Tina : So here's what's going to happen. My dad - he's the king of the vampires. And Asian vampires are the most vicious of all the vampires. You're going to let me wear my lady demon clothes, or my dad will fly into your bedroom and bite your face off. He's really pissed. Is that what you want ? Figgins : No, I don't want that. I'm afraid. Tina : Good. I'm glad we had this talk. Now I have to go back to my coffin because the light is burning my eyes ! End of Flash Back All the members of the Glee Club applause and cheer Tina. Will : There she is. Artie : Wait. Where's Kurt ? And where's Finn ? Azimio and Karofsky are holding back Kurt against the corridor wall. Kurt : Fine. You want to hit me ? You want to beat me up ? Go ahead. But I swear to you. I will never change. I'm proud to be different.I t's the best thing about me. So go ahead, hit me. Azimio : I believe I will. (To Karofsky) Sir, would you like to go first ? Finn : You're not hitting anyone. Kurt : Oh, my God. Azimio : Is he wearing a red rubber dress or am I trippin' ? Finn : I want to thank you, Kurt. I realize I still have a lot to learn, but the reason I'm here right now... In a shower curtain,is... Because of you. And I'm not going to let anyone lay a hand on you. Karofsky : (chuckles) Oh, really, dude ? 'Cause I'm pretty sure we can take both of you. Puck (following by all the Glee Club) :Yeah ? But can you take all of us ? Azimio : Okay. Okay, I get it. I took biology. You know what, Karofsky ? We done disturbed the freak hive. The worker freaks is trying to protect the queen freak. Karofsky : Next time... We'll bring some friends, too. They both leave. Rachel : I'm tired of everyone calling us freaks. Mercedes : Take a look at us. We are freaks. They all laugh. Finn : But we're all freaks together. (He looks at Kurt that joins them and responds to the smile his almosh brother gives him) And we shouldn't have to hide it. Will (clapping) : Nice job, Finn. I think you just figured out what the lesson was. Kinda makes me wish I had planned it. But Mercedes is right, you do all look incredibly insane. All the Gleeks : Thank you. Thank you. Will : You're so welcome. Anyways, let's get back to work before you're all forced to join the circus. Next stop ? Regionals. They all get back to the choir room and Kurt and Finn congratulate each other for their Lady Gaga's outfit.

The glee club pays tribute to Lady Gaga , donning some of her famous outfits. Will teaches the club about theatricality to help Tina through an identity crisis. Rachel finally meets her mother by accident during a sneak-in on a Vocal Adrenaline practice session, but neither feel an immediate mother-daughter bond. Kurt's father, Burt, invites Finn and his mother to move in, but Finn is reluctant to share a room with Kurt. He uses a homophobic slur against Kurt during an emotional outburst, and is told to move out by Burt, but later comes to Kurt's defense when he is attacked by school bullies.

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PYRAMIDS OF MARS BY: "STEPHEN HARRIS" (ROBERT HOLMES AND LEWIS GREIFER) Part Three Running time: 24:32 [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: The ring, Sarah. Use the ring! SARAH: Stop! DOCTOR: Return to control. SARAH: Return to control! Return to control! DOCTOR: Are you all right? LAURENCE: Yes, I think so. DOCTOR: You don't deserve to be. You nearly got us all killed. LAURENCE: I'm sorry. DOCTOR: What's worse, you've probably wrecked what was my only chance of stopping Sutekh. LAURENCE: Look, forgive me, Doctor. I was thinking of my brother. DOCTOR: Listen! What's walking about out there is no longer your brother. It is simply an animated human cadaver. Animated by Sutekh. Do you understand? (Laurence nods.) And if Sutekh succeeds in freeing himself, the consequences will be incalculable. Stay here! LAURENCE: Where's he going? SARAH: To find out what Scarman's doing. [SCENE_BREAK] SUTEKH (OOV.): It was a deliberate attempt to block my cytronic control. SCARMAN: I know nothing, Master. [SCENE_BREAK] SUTEKH: I detected electromagnetic radiation. The source was within the deflection barrier. SCARMAN (on monitor): There are some humans here who have eluded the servicers. If work on the missile is delayed, they can be found and destroyed. SUTEKH: No! The missile must be projected at the hour appointed. My freedom comes before all. Immediately thereafter, you will find and kill the humans. SCARMAN (on monitor): As you direct, Master, so it shall be. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: What is it? DOCTOR: It's an Osiran war missile, and almost complete by the look of it. SARAH: You mean that thing can fly? DOCTOR: It transposes with its projection. Pyramid power. DOCTOR: Back. [SCENE_BREAK] LAURENCE: Did you find out anything? SARAH: Only that time is short. DOCTOR: Cytronic induction. SARAH: Huh? DOCTOR: The robots are drawing their energy from a cytronic particle accelerator which must be in Sutekh's tomb. SARAH: So? DOCTOR: So, put that out of action and he'd have no workforce. SARAH: And no missile. LAURENCE: But Sutekh's tomb is in Egypt. DOCTOR: Scarman came here through the time-space tunnel. It's a two-way mechanism. SARAH: But if you go through it, Sutekh'll kill you! LAURENCE: Wouldn't it be better DOCTOR: No, it wouldn't. If I go after Sutekh, Sutekh will kill me. The missiles are aimed. Wouldn't what be better? LAURENCE: Wouldn't it be less risky simply to blow up the projectile? DOCTOR: With what? LAURENCE: Blasting gelignite. DOCTOR: Do you have some? LAURENCE: No, but I believe Clements had a store. DOCTOR: Clements? LAURENCE: The poacher. I heard him fishing only a few nights ago. DOCTOR: Where did he keep it? LAURENCE: I'm told he had a hut on the other side of the wood. DOCTOR: Let's go, Sarah. SARAH: Right. LAURENCE: Shall I show you the way? DOCTOR: No, we'll find it. LAURENCE: You think I'll let you down again, don't you. DOCTOR: Mister Scarman, if you want to help, start getting the bindings off that robot. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Careful. Walking into a deflection barrier is like walking into a brick wall. SARAH: Painful. DOCTOR: Ah. There we are. Now all we've got to do is find the door. DOCTOR: Door. DOCTOR: Key. SARAH: As simple as that? DOCTOR: No, not really. SARAH: No, I didn't think it could be. DOCTOR: No obvious booby traps. Are you going to help or are you just going to stand there and admire the scenery? SARAH: Your shoes need repairing. I actually wasn't admiring the scenery. I was waiting for you to tell me what to do. DOCTOR: Just hold the base. I don't want it to fall. SARAH: Dangerous? DOCTOR: Very dangerous. DOCTOR: Deactivating a generator loop without the correct key is like repairing a watch with a hammer and chisel. One false move and you'll never know the time again. SARAH: Any more comforting thoughts? DOCTOR: Yes. Just let me know if it starts to get warm. SARAH: Don't worry. You'll hear me breaking the sound barrier. [SCENE_BREAK] SUTEKH: Interference. Interference! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Just to make sure. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] SCARMAN: Master, I do not understand how this can be. SUTEKH (OOV.): The barrier to the east has been deactivated. [SCENE_BREAK] SCARMAN (on monitor): But that is not possible. SUTEKH: It has been deactivated. The power line has gone from my monitor. SCARMAN (on monitor): The humans do not have the knowledge to shut down the deflection barrier. [SCENE_BREAK] SUTEKH (OOV.): It is clear that an extraterrestrial intelligence is operating. SCARMAN: An alien? SUTEKH (OOV.): Oh, I have endured an eternity of darkness and impotence. I shall not be denied now. Listen to my orders. SCARMAN: I hear you, Master. SUTEKH (OOV.): The missile must be guarded. Two servicers must maintain constant vigilance. SCARMAN: It shall be as you say. [SCENE_BREAK] SUTEKH: Once the missile is projected, you will seek out and destroy my enemies. The alien who dares to intrude, the humans, animals, birds, fish, reptiles. All life is my enemy! All life shall perish under the reign of Sutekh the Destroyer! SCARMAN (on monitor): Only Sutekh shall live! [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Just how powerful is Sutekh, Doctor? DOCTOR: He's all-powerful. If he ever gets free, there isn't a lifeform in the galaxy that could stand against him. SARAH: What, not even your lot, the Time Lords? DOCTOR: Not even our lot. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Sutekh was only defeated in the end by the combined might of seven hundred and forty of his fellow Osirans led by Horus. SARAH: The seven hundred and forty gods whose names were recorded in the tomb of Tutmoses the Third. DOCTOR: Could be. DOCTOR: I wouldn't do that, if I were you. Could be a ferret. SARAH: Argh! SARAH: This looks like it. DOCTOR: Ah! SARAH: What's the matter? Not enough? DOCTOR: Sweaty gelignite is highly unstable. One good sneeze could set it off. SARAH: Sorry. DOCTOR: No sign of any detonators or fuses? SARAH: No, no, nothing else. Perhaps he sneezed? [SCENE_BREAK] LAURENCE: Marcus! Marcus? Don't you know me? I'm your brother. SCARMAN: Brother? LAURENCE: Your brother, Laurence. SCARMAN: As Horus was brother to Sutekh. LAURENCE: Marcus, you're ill. Let me help you. Trust me. SCARMAN: Trust you? LAURENCE: Look. You and I when we were boys. SCARMAN: Laurence and Marcus. LAURENCE: That's right. You do remember! SCARMAN: I was Marcus. LAURENCE: You still are. Now, let me help you. SCARMAN: No! I am Sutekh! LAURENCE: No, no. You went to Egypt and fell under some sort of mesmeric influence, that's all. SCARMAN: Sutekh the great Destroyer. Sutekh, the Lord of Death. I am his instrument. LAURENCE: Now that's all nonsense. You are Marcus Scarman, Professor of Archaeology, Fellow of All Souls, Member of the Royal Society. SCARMAN: What do you know of Sutekh? Where are the others? LAURENCE: Others? SCARMAN: You are being helped. Sutekh has detected an alien intelligence amongst the humans here. LAURENCE: Do you mean the Doctor? SCARMAN: Doctor? LAURENCE: Marcus, your hands. SCARMAN: What is he? What is he? LAURENCE: Marcus, please. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: (quietly) It should be safe there for the moment. SARAH (quietly): Look, this isn't going to work. You've got no detonators, no fuses, so even if you manage to place the charge without being spotted, how do we explode it? DOCTOR: I don't know yet. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Oh, well done, Mister Scarman. SARAH: Mister Scarman? Hey. SARAH: Oh! Doctor. DOCTOR: Strangled. SARAH: The mummies. DOCTOR: Not this time. There are marks. His late brother must have called. SARAH: That's horrible! He was so concerned about his brother. DOCTOR: I told him not to be. I told him it was too late. SARAH: Oh! Sometimes you don't seem DOCTOR: Human? Typical Osiran simplicity. SARAH: A man has just been murdered! DOCTOR: Four men, Sarah. Five, if you include Professor Scarman himself, and they're merely the first of millions unless Sutekh is stopped. Know thine enemy. Admirable advice. SARAH: Yes. DOCTOR: If we're going to do anything about that missile, we're going to have to move quickly. I'll need your help. SARAH: What do you want me to do? DOCTOR: These bindings are chemically impregnated to protect the robots against damage and corrosion. An impenetrable disguise, wouldn't you say? [SCENE_BREAK] SCARMAN: Stop. Warhead trigger charge, phase one. This must be placed directly under the detonation head. Signify your understanding. SCARMAN: Continue. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Hurry up. SARAH: I am hurrying. DOCTOR: It doesn't have to be perfect. I shall mingle with the mummies but I shan't linger. SARAH: Okay, that'll have to do. DOCTOR: How do I look? SARAH: It must have been a nasty accident. DOCTOR: Don't provoke me. Come on. And don't forget the rifle. [SCENE_BREAK] SCARMAN: The task is almost completed, Master. We need now only the target coordinates. [SCENE_BREAK] SUTEKH: At last. The coordinates for the pyramid of Mars. I release them. SUTEKH: Engage the coordinates in the projection dome monitor. SCARMAN (on monitor): Immediately, Master. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: You know what to do? SARAH: Yeah. Give you time to get clear, then pow. DOCTOR: Make sure you shoot straight. You won't get a second shot. SARAH: Don't worry. I know what I'm doing. [SCENE_BREAK] SCARMAN: Stop. SCARMAN: Stop! Turn about. Is your relay damaged? This is the coordinate selector. It is to be placed in the projection dome monitor. Indicate your understanding. SCARMAN: Then obey your order. SARAH: I hit it. I know I hit it. DOCTOR: You did. Sutekh is containing the explosion. SARAH: How? DOCTOR: Mental power. There's only one hope left. I've got to get to him, break his concentration. [SCENE_BREAK] SCARMAN: I hear you, Master. SUTEKH (OOV.): (straining) On the missile loading ramp. A crude detonation device. It must be removed immediately. SCARMAN: Another human attempt to prevent your return? They will be caught and punished. SUTEKH (OOV.): The device! I cannot hold back the exothermic reaction for many minutes. It is taking an intense toll of available energy. Attend to the device first! SCARMAN: It will be done immediately, Master. [SCENE_BREAK] SCARMAN: That device on the ramp. Remove it. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: (quietly) Sutekh, last of the Osirans. DOCTOR: Argh!

The Doctor and Sarah try to destroy Sutekh's rocket but the Osiran's mental powers prove too great for them.

fd_Charmed_04x11

fd_Charmed_04x11_0

[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper and Paige are there making breakfast. Phoebe rushes in.] Phoebe: Okay, move it or lose it, people, coming through. (Phoebe takes Paige's coffee cup from her.) Paige: Hey, I was using that. (Phoebe pours some coffee in the cup.) Phoebe: Yeah, well, I'm late and I need caffeine, so sue me. Piper: Two weeks of jury duty and suddenly she's lawyery. Phoebe: Now, normally I would have a way to come back for that but I am too tired. Paige: I'd be tired too if I had to decide whether or not someone lived or died. What's your decision? Phoebe: Paige, you know I can't talk about the case. Besides, that's not why I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I miss Cole too much. If he doesn't come home soon, I'm gonna turn into a vampire. Paige: Jokes like that in this house, not so funny. Piper: Not so funny. So when do you think he's gonna come back? Phoebe: Who knows? He said he needed some time to find himself and figure out who he was without his demon side. Paige: What does that mean? He's off banging on drums in the woods somewhere? Phoebe: God, I hope not. (She looks at her watch.) Ugh, gotta go. (She leaves the kitchen.) Piper: Wait! (Piper and Paige follow her out.) Who's testifying today? Phoebe: Nobody, it's closing argument. Piper: Already? That was fast. Phoebe: Oh, no, not you too. Piper: Oh, Phoebe, it's only natural to be curious. Phoebe: Forget it. Paige: Listen, nobody keeps secrets better than us. We are the mistresses of secrets. Piper: Well... Phoebe: Well, let's just say it would be my supreme pleasure to send that murdering b*st*rd straight to hell. By legal means, not magical. (Phoebe heads for the front door.) Piper: You might be the first person who enjoys jury duty. Phoebe: You know what it is? It's just, it might be nice for a change to get some kudos from vanquishing the bad guy. I mean punishing... you know what I mean. (She grabs her bag and opens the door.) Okay. (Glen walks onto the porch.) Glen: Hey. Phoebe: Hi. Glen: Is Paige home? Phoebe: Yeah, she is, but I'm not. Bye! (She leaves. Glen walks inside. Paige rushes over and hugs him.) Paige: It's so good to see you. What are you doing here? Glen: I'm done with Australia finally and I'm actually thinking about Nepal, and I just wanted to drop by and see how you were doing. Paige: It's so great to see you. (Piper clears her throat.) Oh, that's my sister, Piper. Glen: Of course, of course. Piper: Hi. (She shakes his hand.) Glen: I still can't believe you've got sisters. Piper: Yeah, it takes some used to getting used to. Paige: So where you staying? Glen: I don't know actually. Paige: Good, you'll stay here. Piper: What? Paige: Yeah, first door up, top of the stairs. Glen: Are you sure that's alright? Paige: Yeah, don't be ridiculous. (He heads for the stairs.) I'll be right up. Glen: Great, thank you. (He walks up the stairs.) Piper: Paige. Paige: What? Piper: I don't think it's a good idea if your boyfriend stays here. Paige: He's not my boyfriend. Sometimes he's my boyfriend, but mostly he's just my really good friend. Piper: Uh, well, we usually don't have house guests because of all the obvious reasons. Paige: You can trust Glen. He's been my friend since, god, kindergarten. Piper: You haven't been a witch since kindergarten. I don't think you understand. Paige: I understand that I also pay rent here. Piper: There is no rent. Paige: It's an expression. Piper: No it's not. Paige: Well, it should be. Hm. (She heads for the stairs.) [Scene: Court room. A female lawyer is doing her closing argument. Phoebe is sitting with the jury.] Lawyer: There is no excuse, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defendant has no alibi, no credible explanation for how he was able to lead the police directly to his ex-wife's body. Other than his, how did he describe it... psychic vision? No, premonition, that's it. That was his alibi. That's what Mr. Prevosoli expects you to believe. To counter the overwhelming evidence against him, including with the court's permission, (she picks up a dagger) people 1, the murder weapon. One that he had admitted to using in his own magic show. And then he used it to rob Angela Prevosoli of her life. (She hands the dagger to the jury. They pass it along.) Return the verdict, you know you must. Murder in the first degree. (Phoebe takes the dagger and has a premonition of the real murderer killing Angela. He has a tattoo on his arm. The premonition ends and Phoebe drops the dagger.) Judge: Are you alright, ma'am? Ma'am, are you alright? (Phoebe looks over at Mr. Prevosoli. He lifts his arm and Phoebe sees he has no tattoo. Opening Credits [Scene: Court building. The jury walk into a room and sit down at the table.] Man: Hey, hey, I just got a premonition. We'll be outta here in time for lunch. (laughs) Man #2: Uh, okay, uh, well, I think the proper procedure is, uh, that first we review the evidence. Man: Well, we heard the evidence, so let's just take a vote and get outta here. Man #2: Still, as the foreman... Man: All votes in favour of guilty? (He raises his hand. So does everyone else except Phoebe.) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven... (He spots Phoebe.) Come on, lady, what's it gonna be? Phoebe: I have to go to the bathroom. (The jury sighs. Phoebe gets up and walks into the bathroom. She closes the door.) Leo. Leo! (Leo orbs in.) Leo: Phoebe, what? Phoebe: Quick, orb me to the manor. (They orb out.) [Cut to the manor. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo walk into the living room.] Paige: I thought you said it was an open and shut case. Phoebe: So did I. But the killer in my premonition was definitely not Stan Prevosoli. (They sit down.) Okay, now, I didn't see his face but he had this tattoo on his arm like a medusa's head with snakes. Paige: What are you gonna do? Phoebe: Well, I'm gonna stall, while you guys try to get Darryl to get you in to see Stan. Describe the tattoo, maybe he knows the real killer. I don't know, he must not have seen him in his premonition otherwise... Leo: Wait, he had a premonition? Phoebe: Yeah, that's how he claims to have known where the body was. Piper: And you of all people did not believe him. Phoebe: Piper, he's just a club magician. I assumed that he was a fraud. Believe me, I feel horrible about this. Piper: Alright, we'll fix it, somehow. Paige: Do we hunt killers that aren't demons? Phoebe: Well, I had that premonition for a reason. Just because the killer isn't supernatural... (Piper makes a noise as Glen walks in.) Leo: Hey, there, Glen! Piper: What did you hear? Glen: Excuse me? Phoebe: She said what are you doing here? Glen: Oh, I was just looking for the kitchen. Didn't you leave already? Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, but now I'm back. But I better get going again before somebody wonders what happened to me. (She stands up.) Paige: I'll uh, just take Glen to the kitchen and show him where to make a sand-witch. (Paige and Glen head for the kitchen.) Phoebe: Is he staying here? Piper: Mm-hmm. Phoebe: I think you need to talk to her. Piper: I did, and apparently I was the only one paying attention. (Phoebe sighs.) [Cut to the court building. Room. The man bangs on the door to the bathroom.] Man: What the hell's going on in there? Open the damn door! Woman: Maybe something's wrong. I'll call for the bailiff. (The man continues to bang on the door. It swings open and Phoebe walks out.) Phoebe: I am so sorry. That time of the month. Man: Ugh. Look, the rest of us finished voting, eleven guilty. What's it gonna be? Phoebe: Well, before I cast my vote, I think we should all consider the possibility that the defendant might actually be a psychic. Man: What? (The jury groans.) Phoebe: And all he is guilty of is having a special gift. Woman: You're the foreman, make her vote. Phoebe: Not until I review the evidence. (She grabs a pencil and paper.) Every single piece. (The jury groans.) [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Paige and Glen are there. Glen's sitting at the table. Paige brings him a sandwich.] Glen: Thank you. Paige: Sure. So I have to go to work, but if you want you can drop me off and then use my car. Glen: Oh, no, I'm wiped. I'm just gonna hang here, it's cool. Paige: Oh. Glen: Paige, is everything okay? What was going on in there? Paige: Oh, that? That was just a family meeting, you know, deciding who's gonna take out the trash or whose turn it is to clean the bathroom, we take it all very seriously here. Glen: I heard words like 'killer', 'supernatural'. It doesn't really sound like housework to me. We never really could lie to each other very well. Paige: Well, maybe that's why we didn't make it as a couple. Glen: I've been worried about you, since the last time I saw you. Just before you moved in here. And the vibe I've been getting since I got here, doesn't make me worry any less. Paige: Everything is fine, Glen, just fine. Things are just different now. Glen: You got sisters to talk to and I think that's great, I really do. But that doesn't mean we still can't be there for each other, does it? Talk to me, Paige, wh-what's going on? (Piper and Leo walk in.) Piper: Paige? Uh, Darryl got us that thing with the guy that Phoebe was talking about. Are you coming? Paige: Yeah, I can't, I have to go to work. Leo: Alright, well, keep your cell phone available. Just in case anything comes up. (Paige nods. Paige and Piper leave the kitchen. Leo looks at Glen and laughs awkwardly.) Leo: Excuse me. (He leaves.) [Cut to the foyer.] Piper: Paige, you're leaving him here alone? Paige: Well, he can't fit in my cubicle with me at work. (She grabs her coat and heads for the door.) Leo: Paige, keeping your secret has to be the most important thing. Paige: I know, which is why I just lied to my best friend. It didn't feel good, Leo, but I did it. Piper: That's not good enough. It's irresponsible to leave him here. Paige: You told me when I became a witch I could still have a life. I call having a friend a life. Piper: Yeah, but that doesn't mean... (Glen walks in.) Glen: Hey, hey... Oh, I'm interrupting again. Piper: Yeah. Alright, we've gotta go, so be sure to lock up all the doors before you go. (Piper and Leo leave the manor.) Glen: Is she always that friendly? Paige: Yeah, pretty much. I'll see you later. (She leaves.) [Scene: Prison. A room. Mr. Prevosoli's lawyer, Piper and Leo enter the room.] Lawyer: I still don't understand exactly who you people are. Piper: Didn't Inspector Morris vouch for us? Lawyer: Yes, but that doesn't... Leo: Then all you need to know is that we might be able to save your client. Isn't that enough? Lawyer: Look, the jury's deliberating. Nothing short of a miracle can help him now. Piper: Precisely. (A guard brings Mr. Prevosoli into the room. He removes his handcuffs.) Stan: Who are you? Piper: We're people who believe you're innocent, so if you don't mind we'd like to ask you a few questions. Leo: Was there anything in your premonition to indicate who the killer might be? Lawyer: Yeah, alright, that's it. Out! Piper: What? Why? Lawyer: Because we're not hanging anymore of this case on that so called vision of his. Unless you want him to plea insanity. Stan: No, wait, wait! You actually believe me? On having had a premonition. Piper: Yes, we do. That's why we need to know exactly what you saw, if we have any chance of saving you. Stan: I don't need a premonition to know who killed Angie. It's Wike. Andrew Wike. He owns a magic club where I performed. Leo: Why do you think he killed her? Stan: Angie kept the books of the club. Even after we got divorced. She found out that she told me about it, he killed her with one of my knives to frame me. And I go and help him by telling the police where the body was. Piper: Do you know if Wike has a tattoo of a medusa head on his arm? Stan: I don't know. Well, lets hope he does. Thank you. (Piper and Leo leave the room.) Look out, Nancy Drew coming through. [Scene: Magic club. It's closed. Piper and Leo walk in.] Leo: Maybe we should come back at night when they're open. Piper: I don't think we have that kind of time. Wow, how does this place stay in business? (A rat runs across the floor. Piper screams and freezes it.) Leo: Demons you can handle but not rats? (He laughs. Piper unfreezes the rat. Wike storms in the room.) Wike: Hey, hey, what are you doing in here? Who are you? Piper: Uh, we're friends of Stan Prevosoli's. Wike: Good for you. We're closed. Piper: Yeah, I see that, I was just hoping... Wike: I said we're closed, now I don't wanna say it again. Leave. (He points at the door and Piper and Leo see the tattoo on his arm.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Court building. Room. The jury's there, looking hot and restless.] Phoebe: Okay, um, haven't any of you ever known who was calling before you answered the phone? Woman: That's not magic. Phoebe: Oh no? Then what is it? Look, just because you don't understand magic, doesn't mean that you have to be afraid of it. It's around us all the time, like a friend, guiding us, giving us inspiration, helping us fall in love. Giving our lives meaning. And I'm sorry but I think that we all need to believe that magic exists. Tanya, why are you wearing an angel pin? Tanya: I don't know, just because my mother gave it to me. Phoebe: But why did she give it to you? Tanya: To watch over me. Phoebe: That's magic. Something that you can't see, you can't quite put your finger on it, but you know it's there. Man: The man killed a woman, period. End of story. Foreman: All those in favour of another vote. (They all raise their hands except Phoebe. Leo orbs in the bathroom. Phoebe sees the light under the door.) Phoebe: Oops, nature calls. (She heads for the door.) Man: Oh, oh no you don't. No-no-no-no-no way. (She runs into the bathroom.) Woman: She's stalling. Man: We've gotta do something about this. [Cut inside the bathroom.] Piper: Hi. Phoebe: Hi. Piper: We found the real killer. Leo: The owner of the magic club. A guy named Andrew Wike. Phoebe: Can you prove it? Piper: That's our next step. Phoebe: Okay, well, you gotta hurry because I am dying in there. Piper: It'd be so much easier if we could just vanquish him. Leo: You can't do that but you might be able to use your magic. Phoebe: Well, there's one guy I would love to turn into a warthog. Leo: Not on the jury, on the killer. You and Paige could use your powers to scare him into confessing. Piper: And show our powers to Wike? I do not think so. Leo: Do you think anyone's gonna believe him if he says anything? Phoebe: Not this jury. (The man bangs on the door.) Man: Hey, come on! Phoebe: Uh, sorry! Uh, can somebody find me a plunger? Man: Oh, great. (Piper looks in the toilet, confused.) Phoebe: What? I've gotta buy some time somehow. And you gotta call Paige. Maybe there's a spell in the Book of Shadows we can use? Okay, go, go, go! (They orb out.) Okay. (She goes back in the room.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Glen is there reading the Book of Shadows.] Paige: Piper, are you up here? What's the emergency? (She walks in.) Oh my god, Glen, what are you doing up here? Glen: It's funny. See, after you left I was still hungry so I opened the fridge and I found some bags labelled pigs feet, rabbit blood, frog tongue. So decided to take a little look around. Found more than I bargained for. Paige: Look, I can explain everything, okay, I really can. I'll just have to explain it later because if Piper finds us up here she's gonna freak. Glen: Piper's gonna freak? I just found out your new sisters have you messing with the occult in a pretty serious way, and you're worried about how they're gonna freak? Paige: Look, we're not messing with the occult. We're witches. My sisters and I were born good witches, we do good magic. Glen: This book is full of pictures of demons and warlocks. Paige: Well, demons and warlocks that we fight and destroy. Glen: These girls have you brainwashed. I mean, how do you even know that they're your sisters? Paige: Glen, you've gotta trust me, please. I am not brainwashed, I am the same old Paige except now when I make a rhyme magic happens. Glen: Paige. Paige: Look, you've been to Africa, you've met those witch doctors on your travels, right? Glen: Yeah, but these guys are a hundred years old and they speak in tongues, and you're you. (She sits down beside him and turns the pages.) Paige: There is a spell in here. Glen: What? Paige: To stretch the imagination. It should be able to help you understand and accept the truth about me. Glen: So you're gonna cast a spell on me? Paige: With your permission. Glen: And when nothing happens... Paige: When nothing happens you can drag me off to the funny farm, tell them I've been brainwashed. Believe me, I could use the vacation. (She finds the spell.) Ah, here it is. (She holds his hands.) "Let mind and body soar, to heights not reached before, let limits stretch, that you may catch, a new truth to explore." Glen: I don't feel any different. Paige: That's weird it always works. Piper: (from outside) Paige, where are you? Paige: God, we gotta hide you. Come on. (She walks away.) Glen: No, wait. (He holds out his arm and it stretches out to Paige.) Paige: It's the spell. Just put back. (Glen pulls in his arm and it returns to normal length. Piper and Leo walk in.) Oh, I was giving Glen a tour of the house. Next stop the basement. Come on, Glen, why don't you get a head start. (Glen leaves the attic.) Piper: A tour of the attic? (She looks around and sees the Book out.) You showed him the book? Paige: Well, he went into the fridge and saw the potion ingredients so understandably he started looking around and he found the book. Leo: So you didn't lock the attic? Paige: It didn't occur to me. Piper: What do you mean? I told you to lock all the doors before you go. Paige: Well, I thought you meant the front door. Maybe you should've been more specific. Piper: Well, I was speaking in code. Paige: Listen, I trust Glen. Piper: Yeah, but you're trusting him with a secret that's all of ours, not just yours. Leo: Honey, she didn't tell him about it, he discovered it. Piper: Because she left him in the house, because she let him stay in the house in the first place. Paige: Okay, so you're saying I have to choose between having any friends and being a witch. Piper: Yes, I have. Paige: Well, I won't. Leo: Okay, we all need to put this on hold for a second, okay? Let's take a deep breath, let's calm down. We have a lot of work to do and not a lot of time to do it with. Paige: What do we have to do? Leo: Piper will fill you in on the way. I need to check on Phoebe. (He orbs out. Piper and Paige stare at each other.) Paige: Hm. [Scene: Court. The jury room.] Phoebe: Actually, the origin of magic dates back to prehistoric times. People from all cultures believed- Foreman: Let's vote now. Phoebe: Wait. Foreman: No, no, no, we vote. Okay, if we can't agree we declare a hung jury. All in favour of a guilty verdict. (The jury raises their hands.) Phoebe: Wait! There is magic in the world. There are angels. Tanya, you can tell your mother that she's right, they're real. And there are fairies. They're real too. I mean, just think back to your childhood before you were too jaded to believe in them. And-and-and Cupid. Not a myth. I mean, he doesn't actually use arrows but-but he's real too. Foreman: Bailiff! Phoebe: What are you doing? Foreman: We don't have to declare a hung jury after all. Man: We don't? (The bailiff opens the door.) Bailiff: Foreman? Foreman: Tell the judge that we have a juror that's um... not quite right. We're asking that she be dismissed and that you bring in one of the alternates. Phoebe: Are you kidding me? (The foreman shakes his head.) Bailiff: And you all agree? Jury: Yes. Bailiff: Okay. Phoebe: No, wait-wait-wait. I have an idea. If I can convince you, all of you, that magic really does exist, will that be enough reasonable doubt for an acquittal. Man: Lady, you're late for your shrink. Like two years late. (He laughs.) Tanya: Well, what do you mean magic? Like siegfried and Freud stuff? Phoebe: No. I mean real magic. No trap doors, no smoke, no mirrors, just real supernatural magic. Man: Come on, she's stalling. Phoebe: What's the matter? Are you afraid I might actually be able to pull it off? Tanya: Well, we've been here this long. I say we let her take it all home. Foreman: Alright, but if you fail, you vote guilty with the rest of us. (Phoebe hesitates.) Call the judge. Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, okay, it's a deal. Tanya: Alright, show us some magic. Phoebe: I'm gonna need a few things. A sage stick, five white candles and... Man: A magic wand. Phoebe: No, incense. I'm gonna summon the dead. Man: Ooooh. [Scene: Magic club. Piper and Paige walk in.] Piper: Okay, just remember, you play good witch, I play bad witch. Paige: Okay, but won't that risk exposing our powers? Piper: No, I'm only gonna show my powers to Wike and once we get him to talk we'll use the tape to force him to confess to the police. Paige: So it's okay to show our powers to a murderer but not to Glen. Piper: Saving an innocents life is worth the risk. Entertaining friends is not. (A curtain opens and Wike is on the stage setting up some magic equipment. He picks up a hat and Piper blows it up.) Boo! Wike: Ahh, what the hell! What are you? What do you want? Piper: We want a confession, that's what we want. (She blows up a box behind him.) Paige: Careful, Piper, you might kill him. Piper: So? Wike: I don't know what you're talking about. Piper: Sure you do. Angela (blows something up) Prevosoli (blows something up) found out about your (blows something up) money laundering operating. So you killed her, didn't you? (He looks frightened.) Paige: I've never seen her like this, pal. You might wanna talk. Piper: You know what, this is getting boring. What do you say we move onto some body parts. Wike: Okay, okay, okay, alright. Alright, I admit it, I killed her. She was ready to march the cops down to pier 86. If I hadn't killed her they would've. And then they would've killed me. Piper: Who, they cops? Wike: No, no, not the cops. They... Look, believe me, you don't wanna know. Piper: Try me. (He pulls something out and throws it on the ground. It explodes. The smoke clears and Wike is gone.) What the... Paige: He's pretty good. (They go onto the stage.) Piper: Where'd he go? There's gotta be a trap door. (They lift up a rug and find a trap door.) Paige: There. (Piper tries to open it but it's locked.) Piper: Does this thing work? Paige: There's gotta be stairs here. [Cut to the basement. Wike gets up off a mattress underneath the trap door. A rat runs along a pipe.] Wike: Wait, don't, I can explain. (The rat changes into a demon.) Rat Demon: You stupid human! You told the witches everything. And they've got it on tape. Wike: So what? They'll never find out about you guys. Rat Demon: Not from you they won't. Wike: No, no. (The rat demon turns Wike into a rat.) Rat Demon: Dinner time. (A dozen rats run over to Wike/Rat and start eating him. The rat demon changes back into a rat. Piper and Paige run down the stairs. Paige sees a rat and screams.) Piper: What, demons you can handle but not rats? (Piper sees the rats eating the other rat. Piper screams.) Paige: Right back at you. (They leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Piper and Paige walk in through the front door.] Paige: I don't get it, where'd he go? Piper: Is hell too much to hope for? Paige: Yeah, well, at least we got his confession. Piper: Yeah, but that's not gonna save Stan, or Phoebe for that matter. (They walk into the living room.) Paige: Why don't we just give it to the police? (Glen sneaks down the stairs.) Piper: Well, without Wikes, the confession is no good. I mean, Darryl could open up an investigation but not in time to exonerate... ooh, now I even sound like Nancy Drew. (Glen hides around the corner.) Paige: What, so we're supposed to go find Wike? How do we do that? We have no idea where he is. (Glen stretches his arm around the corner and pinches Paige's butt. She yelps.) Piper: What? Paige: What? Piper: That noise. Paige: Noise? Piper: I feel like I'm in Switzerland. Paige: Switzerland? Piper: There it is again. Paige: What? Piper: That annoying echo. Paige, what's going on? Paige: Nothing, nothing's going on, Piper. (Glen reaches Piper and grabs her leg.) Piper: Hey! (Glen pulls his arm back in. Piper goes around the corner.) Paige: Piper, don't. Piper: You! You cast a spell on him? Are you crazy? Paige: No, but somebody is. Glen: I'm just trying to have some fun. Sorry. Piper: Okay, but this is not supposed to be fun for you. It's not supposed to be for you at all. Glen: Well, I guess I'd better call off the tabloids. (Piper freezes him.) Paige: He was just making a bad joke. Piper: Yeah, funny how that was the first thing that came to his mind. Paige: He just thought he was being funny, nobody got hurt. Piper: Yeah, maybe you'd feel a little differently if you had lost a sister. (Leo orbs in and sees Glen.) Don't ask. Leo: Did you get Wike to confess? Piper: Yeah, and then he got away. How's Phoebe doing? Leo: Not so good. She's trying to summon the victim, Angela. Paige: Wait a second. So it's not okay for me to tell my best friend Glen that I'm a witch, but it's okay for Phoebe to tell an entire room of strangers? Leo: They were gonna kick her off the jury, I think it was worth a try. Only it's not working so good. I believe she needs the power of three. Piper: Yeah, well, she's not gonna get it. It's better to think she's a nutjob than think she's a witch. Leo: There's an innocent man at stake, Piper. Piper: They'll convict him and then we'll go to the police, there'll be a new trial and then they'll release him. Leo: You don't know that. Piper: Alright, I have an idea. Paige: What? Piper: I'll explain on the way, let's go. Leo: What about him? Paige: Just unfreeze him, he won't tell anyone. (Piper unfreezes him.) Glen: Wh-where'd you come from? Paige: Just stay here, order a pizza, I'll be back soon. (She kisses him on the cheek. Leo orbs out with Piper and Paige.) Glen: What? (He looks around. The rat demon in his rat form appears behind.) Where'd they go? [Cut to the jury room. Phoebe is trying to summon Angela.] Phoebe: "Beloved spirit Angela, I ask that you commune with me and move among us." (Nothing happens.) "Beloved spirit Angela..." Foreman: That's enough. Bailiff! (The bailiff comes in.) Tell the judge that we've reached a verdict. Man: Yep! A deal's a deal. Those in favour of guilty. Tanya: I'll get the lights. Phoebe: "Beloved spirit Angela, I seek your guidance, I ask that you commune with me and move among us." (The bathroom door opens and Piper sticks her hand out, freezing the room. Piper, Paige and Leo come out of the room.) Piper: Phoebe, eleven jurors. Phoebe: I know, I know, but this guys is innocent, and he's being persecuted for having the same gift I do. SO if you guys aren't hee to help me summon Angela... Piper: We are. Paige: We are? Piper: Yes. If Leo will help us clean up after we're done. Leo: No. Piper: What do you mean no? You've done it before. Leo: No, it's completely forbidden, except in cases of dire emergencies. Paige: What's forbidden? Piper: Using memory dust on people. Phoebe: Oh my god, this is brilliant. We'll erase their short term memories after they vote not guilty. Paige: Wait a second, Whitelighters can erase peoples memories with some sort of special dust? Why don't you just use it all the time? Leo: Because you don't know what you might be erasing. Doctors appointments, childrens birthdays... Piper: Leo, this is an emergency. I can not live with these people knowing our secret, knowing that at any minute we could relive the hell we went through with Prue. Leo: Okay. (They girls join hands.) Piper, Phoebe, Paige: "Here these words, here our cry, spirits of the other side, come to us we settle thee, cross now the great divide." Phoebe: "Beloved spirit Angela, I ask that you commune with us and move among us." (A breeze blows through the room.) Leo: Cold wind, that's our queue. Piper: See you later. Phoebe: Okay, thank you, thank you. (Piper, Paige and Leo go into the bathroom. Piper unfreezes the jury and they orb out. A mist appears above the table. The jury look frightened.) Tanya: Are you all seeing that? Foreman: Dear god! (Angela's spirit appears.) Angela: What happened? Where am I? Phoebe: We summoned you, Angela. We need your help. Actually, your ex-husband needs your help. Angela: Stan? Why? Phoebe: He's on trial for your murder. Angela: Stan? Are you kidding? He couldn't hurt a fly. Even his gift terrified him. Phoebe: His gift? (The man waves his hand through Angela.) What are you doing? Man: I'm looking for wires. This is some sort of trick. Phoebe: Did you find any? (to Angela) What about his gift? Angela: Stan could see things. The past, the future... It scared him, he hated it. That's why he never nurtured it. All the good he could've done, wasted. Phoebe: So he didn't kill you? Angela: No. The club owner did. Andrew Wike. I found out he was laundering money from some company at pier 86. Stan warned me to keep it to myself. But I didn't. He, he's a good man. He's an innocent man. Blessed be. (She disappears. The jury sit there in awe.) Phoebe: Shall we vote? [Time lapse. Everyone's in the court room.] Foreman: Not guilty. Stan's Lawyer: Unbelievable. Judge: So say you one? So say you all? (The jury nods.) This case is dismissed. The defendant is here by released, and this court is adjourned. (Everyone stands up.) Piper: Dust them now. (Leo heads for the jury.) Paige: Don't forget the bailiff. (Stan walks over to Piper and Paige.) Stan: I don't understand. How'd you do it? Piper: We didn't. Angela did. (Phoebe walks over to Stan.) Phoebe: Hi. Stan: Hi. Phoebe: You have a very special gift. And you did the right thing about going to the police. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, all that matters is you used your gift to help people. And that's a beautiful thing. [Scene: Manor. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo walk into the foyer.] Paige: So you guys have told people about being witches lots of times. Piper: Yes, innocents, but only when we didn't have any other choice. Phoebe: Our secret is never more important than saving somebody's life. Leo: Can't you guys just enjoy saving this innocent for a minute and a half before getting back to the great debate. (The rat crawls down the stairs.) Piper: Well, it's not over yet. The killer is still out there somewhere. (They hear a noise and gasp when they see Glen on the stairs with a glowing ring around his neck.) Paige: Glen! (The rat turns into the demon.) Rat Demon: You have one hour to deliver the tape. Or stretch here is dead. (He grabs Glen and bolts through the front door, smashing it into a million pieces.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo are there.] Piper: Paige, it's gonna be okay, just try to breathe. Paige: Oh my god, if anything happens to him. Piper: We won't let it. Paige: When did this demon become involved? I thought this killer was supposed to be human. Phoebe: He was. But apparently he was fronting for demons. Piper: Since when do demons give a rats ass - no pun intended - about laundering money? Leo: Because they need money to insinuate themselves into our world. To buy clothes, rent apartments, to fit in with us. Phoebe: It's probably the same way they made Cole legitimate when he was a demon. I mean, they put him through law school. Piper: Which put him in a position to hurt us. (Phoebe touches Piper's knee with her foot.) Water under the bridge. Paige: How is any of this gonna help get Glen back ? Even if we give that rat demon thing the tape, what's to stop him from killing Glen? We have no leverage. Phoebe: Okay, do we have to call him the rat demon? Because it's very hard to be appropriately frightened. Leo: We could go over his head. Look, I guarantee you that this club is just the tip of the iceberg. I mean, if we went to rat demon's... What are we supposed to call him? Paige: One hour, Leo. We have one hour. (He stands up.) Leo: Right, look, so if we go to their bosses and we threaten to expose their entire operation, they're not gonna be very please with him. Piper: So we offer him up for exchange for Glen. It might work. Paige: Might work? It has to work. Piper: Okay, so the only question is where is demon central? Phoebe: Angela said something about pier 86. Piper: So did Wike. So we split up. Phoebe, since you have stalling down to a science, you and Paige go to the club and buy some time. Leo and I will go to... Paige: No. I wanna go. Phoebe: Well, Piper has more fire power, and if they get hostile... Paige: I'll just have Leo orb me out of there if it gets too hairy. I'm the one who put Glen, my best friend, in massive amounts of danger. So I'm gonna get him out. (She grabs her coat.) Just do me a favour and keep him alive at the club until I get back. (Leo orbs out with Paige.) [Scene: Pier 86. Leo and Paige orb in.] Paige: I don't know if this is the right place. Leo: Shh, listen. (They hear and see rats crawling all over the place.) Paige: Rats. Leo: Lots of them. Time to go. Paige: No. Leo: Paige, I really think that we should... Paige: No, Leo, they've got Glen. (to the rats) Listen up, we know what you're doing and we're prepared to tell everyone. And just so you know killing me won't help. My sisters will take you down. Maybe you've heard of us. The Charmed Ones. Now who am I talking to? (The rats turn into demons and surround Paige and Leo. One steps forward.) Rat Demon #2: We're listening. [Cut to Piper and Phoebe at the magic club. The rat demon appears in front of them.] Rat Demon: The tape. Piper: Where's our friend, mouse man? Rat Demon: After I get the tape. Phoebe: No, before. Rat Demon: I can take it from you. Piper: You could try. (The curtain opens and Glen is standing there with the ring around his neck.) Rat Demon: Just so you know, if anything happens to me, anything at all, the ring will decapitate him. Piper: That's new. Phoebe: So much for a quick getaway. (Phoebe hands him the tape.) Rat Demon: Are there any copies? Phoebe: No. Piper: Now let him go. (The rat demon tightens the ring.) Hey, what are you doing? Rat Demon: I'm a rat. What did you expect? (Piper goes to blow him up.) Phoebe: Don't, it might chop off Glen's head. Piper: Well, what am I supposed to do? Rat Demon: Enjoy the show. (Suddenly, the rat demon is engulfed in flames and disappears.) Phoebe: Did you just do that? (Three rat demons appear and Paige and Leo orbs in. Paige races over to Glen. One of the rat demons picks up the tape.) Rat Demon #2: Only copy? Leo: Yes. Rat Demon #2: How do we know? Piper: What do you mean how do you know? You've just gotta trust us. We're the good guys for crying out loud. (The rat demon releases the ring around Glen's neck.) Rat Demon #2: Guess we'll call this one a draw. (The rat demons disappear.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Leo is fixing the front door. Piper is standing there watching.] Leo: Almost done. Piper: This is taking too long. Can't you just use a little magic? Leo: Don't you think we've used enough magic lately? Besides, I like working with my hands. (He goes over to her.) Piper: Yeah, I kinda like a guy in a tool belt. (They kiss. Paige and Glen walk in. Paige clears her throat.) Oh, leaving so soon? Paige: Yeah, Glen's gonna go stay with a friend of his across the Bay. Piper: Huh, I can't imagine why he wouldn't wanna hang around here. Glen: Yeah, well, I like adventure, just not that much adventure. Leo: So you're gonna stick around a while? Glen: Yeah, keep an eye on noogie here. Piper: Noogie? Paige: Glen, I think it's time for you to go. (They laugh and head for the door.) Glen: (to Piper) Thank you for saving my life. Paige: I reversed the spell. Piper: Just checking. Glen: Goodbye. (Glen and Paige kiss.) Paige: Bye, you. (He leaves.) Okay, do you want it now or should I email it to you? Piper: What? Paige: My apology. You were right. Keeping our secret is the most important thing, I should've listened to you. Do you want more? Should I keep grovelling? Piper: As fun as that would be. I'm sorry too, I can be a little harsh, but it's part of my charm, you'll learn to love me for it. (Phoebe walks in through the front door.) Phoebe: Wow, we actually have a door, imagine that. Paige: So how's the jury? Phoebe: Fine. I knocked on Tanya's door and she thought I was the Avon lady. So good job, Leo. Leo: Uh, thanks, but I don't wanna think about it, ever. Paige: Can ever wait for a minute or so? Leo: Uh-oh. Paige: I'm thinking maybe we should use some of that dust on Glen. I don't want you guys to have to be nervous. Piper: Well, do you think he's gonna tell anybody? Paige: No. Phoebe: And you trust him completely? Paige: Yes. Piper: Then so do we. Leo: Thank god. Phoebe: And whether we think it's smart or not, at least you have one person outside the family that you can talk to. Piper: Yeah, let's keep it to one.

Phoebe is selected to serve on the jury of a man on trial for murder. During the case, she has a premonition showing someone else committing the crime, despite the evidence against the defendant. While Leo, Piper and Paige rush to find the rightful killer and bring him to justice, Phoebe does her best to stall her fellow jurors from finding the man guilty. Meanwhile, Paige's friend Glen is in town and Paige invites him to stay at the manor. While there, he discovers the Book of Secrets and soon finds out Paige's magical powers.

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fd_NCIS_04x17_0

EXT. CEMETERY - DAY MARINE: (V.O.) In pain we may find comfort, in sorrow hope, in death resurrection. HONOR GUARD: (V.O.) Guard ho! Ready, aim, fire! (SFX: GUNFIRE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MAUSOLEUM HONOR GUARD: (V.O.) Aim, fire! Aim, fire! Aim, fire!(SFX: GUNFIRE B.G.) JACKSON: They're almost finished out there, Ken. DIXON: What do you want me to tell you, Jack? I can't get the damn thing open. (SFX: TAPS B.G.) JACKSON: Stripped? DIXON: No, it's catching. It's just stuck or something. When's the last time you reopened one of these things? JACKSON: This is the first tandem burial since I've been here. DIXON: That's like what? A decade? JACKSON: Yeah. Let me try. (SFX: JACKSON GRUNTING B.G.) JACKSON: Okay, it's moving. DIXON: What's that smell? (SFX: EXPLOSION) DIXON: Are you okay? (MUSIC UP AND OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/ SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ABBY: Give me a dollar! MCGEE: Okay. What's wrong with that one? ABBY: The machine wouldn't take it, and I want a candy bar! MCGEE: What's wrong with that candy bar? ABBY: It has nougat in it! MCGEE: What? You hate nougat. ABBY: (SHOUTS) I know!! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar!? MCGEE: All I have are big bills. ZIVA: What is nougat? TONY: It's whipped dolphin fat. MCGEE: No, that's the filling in Clownie Cake. ABBY: That is a myth! (SHOUTS) Would someone please give me a dollar?! TONY: (LONG BEAT) Sure, I've got one. ABBY: Thanks. God, it's like some kind of crime to not like nougat. ZIVA: I don't even know what nougat is. GIBBS: It's a cream made from sugar, honey and nuts. Grab your gear. We have an explosion at a Marine's funeral in J. Hoover National. MCGEE: Did anyone else see what just happened there with Abby? TONY: Yeah. She stole my dollar. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. MAUSOLEUM ZIVA: Last ones to the party. TONY: It's not really a party until the bomb squad says it is. GIBBS: What'd you find? TRASK: We've got nothing. No ordnance. No residue. No electronics. No time device. No wiring. No remote. No evidence of a bomb. ZIVA: Except for the explosion. TRASK: You've got two employees injured. Both vets. They were taken to the V.A. with concussions and shrapnel wounds. TONY: You got names? TRASK: Former Lance Corporal Lloyd Jackson, thirty-six. And PFC Kenneth Dixon, twenty-five. GIBBS: The veterans keep getting younger. TRASK: Yeah, the kid they were burying is only twenty-two. It's a family crypt. GIBBS: Tandem. TRASK: His grandfather was in the back slot. Still there as far as we could tell. GIBBS: Are your men clear? TRASK: Bio readings are clean. Air's safe to breathe, not that I would recommend it. GIBBS: Anything else? TRASK: Might want to cover your shoes, though. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. MAUSOLEUM - DAY TONY: That is truly appalling. MCGEE: Chief Warrant Officer Mitchell Waller. (V.O.) Died nineteen seventy-eight. He should be the one in the back of the crypt. ZIVA: He appears to be undisturbed. TONY: He would be the only one. This is really the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. And believe me, that says a lot. MCGEE: (V.O.) It like porridge. DUCKY: The word is effluvium. The results of decomposing human organs and tissue. TONY: This is people? DUCKY: Yes, two, I'd say, judging by the volume. JIMMY: And the two skulls, of course. DUCKY: Mister Palmer, we have to recover all of this. JIMMY: One Wet-Vac for the soylent green coming right up. DUCKY: Somewhat claustrophobic and for all eternity. TONY: Our friends here might agree with you. They obviously needed to get out. GIBBS: They didn't belong there in the first place. DUCKY: Vents are definitely clogged. ZIVA: Be careful, Doctor. We still haven't found traces of what caused the explosion. DUCKY: Yes, if my suspicions are correct, Officer David, the bomb is all around us. It's a phenomenon in the death industry informally referred to as exploding casket syndrome. GIBBS: Well, the floor is all yours, Duck. DUCKY: Thank you, Jethro. All bodies contain enzymes and bacteria. Immediately upon death they start to break down tissue. Yes, a body can liquefy within a week, especially if it hasn't been embalmed. It's possible that these remains were human in appearance as recently as two weeks ago. TONY: And someone dumped them in here. DUCKY: Yes, in such a confined space, as the gases were given off the bodies, with not any proper ventilation, the crypt itself could become a pressure cooker. GIBBS: The bodies were the bomb. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. AUTOPSY LAB - DAY JIMMY: Not our first meat puzzle, Doctor. DUCKY: Yes, and it certainly won't be the last. Never forget, Mister Palmer, experience is the ultimate teacher. JIMMY: Corner pieces are not as reliable as the singular components. DUCKY: Yes. As experience has taught us. JIMMY: Skulls and torsos. And judging by these pelvic structures, we have a man and a woman. DUCKY: DUCKY: Yes, well let's put Adam on the left and Eve on the right. You know, this reminds me of a summer when I assisted at an archeological dig in North Africa. (CONT.) Our team unearthed two fossilized Neanderthals from a primitive burial mound. One man, one woman. JIMMY: This rib structure is fractured, Doctor. Possibly from the force of the explosion. DUCKY: Oh, no, no, no. It's a clean serrated edge. Very unlikely. Did you know that the Zulus burn all the possessions of the dear departed to ward off evil? Some tribes even throw spears and shoot arrows into the air to kill hovering spirits. JIMMY: Right ulna. DUCKY: That evolved into the modern military tradition of firing a volley into the air. (SFX: DUCKY MIMICS FIRING GUN) JIMMY: Uh... right hand. DUCKY: Yes, after the death of an African king... ah, right hand... some of his subjects used to cut off fingers and toes. It was considered a mark of respect. Humorus. JIMMY: I suppose it depends on what you find funny. (BEAT) Oh. Right. (CHUCKLES) I see. Humorus. (CHUCKLES) DUCKY: Right hand. JIMMY: Didn't this happen the last time? DUCKY: We're going to need another table. JIMMY: (IN UNISON) We're going to need another table. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: The mausoleum doesn't get many visitors, which makes it a creative place to get rid of a few bodies. But... ZIVA: Whoever deposited them, would first have to know the portion of Chief Waller's crypt was vacant. TONY: That would suggest an inside job. ZIVA: With the knowledge to access a sealed tomb. TONY: Which would point to Jackson or Dixon. ZIVA: If they hadn't practically blown themselves up. TONY: What do you think, McGee? MCGEE: She definitely seemed un-Abby. ZIVA: Who? MCGEE: Abby. ZIVA: Abby's unhappy? TONY: No, Abby's un-Abby. I need you to focus here, okay? Pitch in. I'll talk to her when I can. MCGEE: Why you? TONY: Because dealing with an angry woman requires a great deal of sensitivity, clearly not an area of expertise for you. MCGEE: Well, I don't doubt that you have more experience with angry women. TONY: You see, now that wasn't very sensitive, was it? ZIVA: The man has one serious relationship, and all of a sudden he is an expert. TONY: All right, there is one clear cut undeniable reason why I should be the one to talk to Abby. She owes me a dollar. Now, uh... we ran down IDs on the remains - got a hit on the woman. ZIVA: Hm. Classic Dinozzo. MCGEE: One intact fingerprint off her left hand matches a driver's license. TONY: Marilyn Torrance, age fifty-eight, of Tyson's Corner. There's no case file, because her nephew and his wife never reported her missing. MCGEE: They're on their way in. GIBBS: Is that it? (PHONE RINGS) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) McGee. DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) I need Jethro down here. MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Be right there, Ducky. (HANGS UP PHONE) TONY: Saved by the bell. DUCKY: (V.O.) They were dismembered. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY LAB - DAY DUCKY: Likely by severing tendons, muscles from ligaments at every joint. JIMMY: Neck, shoulder, elbow, wrist, hip, knee, ankle... et cetera. DUCKY: There's very little damage to the bones themselves, except the rib cages. They were cut, probably using a bone saw. ZIVA: Were they murdered? DUCKY: One of them at least was. Blunt force trauma to the female skull. A blow to the back of the head that was certainly enough to kill a woman of her age. JIMMY: Fourth rib phase analysis suggests that she was in her seventies. ZIVA: According to the DMV, Marilyn Torrance was fifty-age. TONY: Women lie about their age. JIMMY: But this is her hand. GIBBS: Not her head. MCGEE: Well, maybe that's her head. JIMMY: No, that's a man's skull. MCGEE: Well, maybe you reassembled the pieces incorrectly. JIMMY: The problem is we can't reassemble the pieces. We don't have two full sets of remains. GIBBS: We're missing pieces. DUCKY: Yes, of these unrelated pieces - well, they belong to at least three different people. ZIVA: Three more bodies? MCGEE: We're missing a lot of pieces. TONY: This is more than someone just dumping two bodies. DUCKY: I think you're looking for a mass murderer. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) FADE: CLOSE ON MONITOR: (SFX: KEYBOARDING B.G.) ON SCREEN: Can't we talk about this? ON SCREEN: There's no point... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY GIBBS: What do you got, Abs? ABBY: Decaying flesh, organs and human tissue. The DNA confirms... TONY: Five different people. ABBY: Well, if you already talked to Ducky, there's not much I can tell you. You didn't give me much to work with, Gibbs. There's barely any blood. The bodies were probably drained. TONY: So what do you think? We're looking for a vampire? ABBY: There were traces of cellulose, fiber, common paper, and string. GIBBS: (V.O.) The parts were wrapped. ABBY: Yeah, but they're too degraded to get any fingerprints. There was one thing. The screws from the marble furnace piece - they've been collecting rust since the internment in nineteen seventy-eight. But look at the heads. They're scratched. TONY: (V.O.) That's from the screwdriver - dislodged the rust. ABBY: But look at the other crypts. See the screws? GIBBS: Yeah, they're all rusted. ABBY: Except for these two crypts. GIBBS: Ensign Gage, USMC, Colonel Raymond Dalton, US Army. ABBY: It might be vandalism, but it might be something. GIBBS: Dinozzo. TONY: Contact next of kin, and get permission to open those two crypts. On it, Boss! TONY: Nice catch, Abby. ABBY: Yeah. TONY: I couldn't help but notice how quiet it is in here. Where's the music? ABBY: I just wasn't in the mood. TONY: Anything... do you want to talk about? ABBY: Why would there be? TONY: Yeah, I don't know. It's just that McGee said that you weren't really acting like yourself. And so I thought... ABBY: Oh, so you guys have been talking about me? TONY: Yeah. No. We were wondering if there was anything bothering you. ABBY: You want to know what bothers me? It bothers me when people gossip about other people behind their backs. Do you really think that that is okay? TONY: Yeah? 'Cause, I mean, it's the only way to gossip. Because if we talked about you in front of your face, then that would just be talking about you. (SFX: BEEP TONES) TONY: You know what? We're just not going to ... we're not going to do that anymore. Sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Your aunt live with you? JACOB: When she was in town, yes. Are you sure she was murdered? MCGEE: Preliminary findings have been inconclusive, Mister Torrance. But it's probable. ZIVA: When was the last time you saw her? JACOB: It's been almost three months now. ZIVA: And you never filed a missing person's report? MADELEINE: Well, she does this. She would meet a new man with a yacht, or jet, and disappear for a while. JACOB: We always expected she would resurface eventually. MADELEINE: Just never like this.(SFX: MADELEINE CRIES B.G.) ZIVA: Um. Here. I know how difficult it is to lose a person you care about. MADELEINE: Thank you. MCGEE: We'll also need a list of anyone who has access to your homes - contractors, workmen, employees. ZIVA: And also the names of any of her travel companions or associates. JACOB: Of course. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Thank you for coming in so quickly. JACOB: If you learn anything... MADELEINE: Please call. ZIVA: As soon as we know more. (MADELEINE AND JACOB WALK TO THE ELEVATOR) MCGEE: They were really cut up. Sorry. It's a poor choice of words. ZIVA: How many more of these are we going to do? MCGEE: Ah, at least five. So pace yourself. ZIVA: What do you mean by that, McGee? MCGEE: Nothing. Just, you know, it got a little emotional in there.(ELEVATOR DINGS/ DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE) TONY: I will meet you upstairs, Ms. Dalton, okay? DALTON: Okay. MCGEE: Next of kin? TONY: Abby thinks there might be more body parts hidden in her grandfather's crypt. MCGEE: You talked to Abby? TONY: Yeah, McGee. MCGEE: I was right, wasn't I? There's something wrong. TONY: Let it go, Probie. MCGEE: Why? TONY: Because I'm pretty sure it's something you did. MCGEE: But what did I do? TONY: Well, think about it, Probie. I'm sure you'll come up with something. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY DALTON: I don't understand what I'm supposed to be looking at. TONY: These photos are of your grandfather's tomb. DALTON: I get that. TONY: I assure you, this has nothing to do with your grandfather. DALTON: How could it? He's been dead thirteen years, and I was at the funeral. TONY: Right. It's been tampered with, okay? And we believe that there is evidence hidden inside relating to an ongoing murder investigation. DALTON: What kind of evidence? I run my own business, Agent DiNozzo. That means I am losing money every minute that I have to spend here. So why don't you just tell me what it is that you want from me? TONY: We need you to give us permission to open it. So if you could just sign these authorization forms. DALTON: My dad put me to work right after my grandpa died. You know the first lesson that I learned? TONY: What's that? DALTON: Don't sign any papers without having a lawyer look at them. TONY: That's a good lesson. But if it's necessary, we'll get a Federal warrant. DALTON: Oh, that would be much easier for me. You should just do that. TONY: Okay. DALTON: Anything else you need? TONY: Just the Federal warrant. DALTON: Great. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. MAUSOLEUM - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) TONY: Company, Boss! MANN: Special Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: Colonel Mann. MANN: I got a call your case might be venturing into CID territory. GIBBS: That call was premature. MANN: Really? Here I thought it was four weeks overdue. I understand you were denied permission by the family to access Colonel Dalton's crypt. GIBBS: Got a warrant. MANN: And that got my attention. Why don't you fill me in? Wouldn't want to make a bad situation worse, would you? Don't look so nervous, Jethro. GIBBS: Do I look nervous? MANN: No. You actually look... you look pretty good. GIBBS: David, Dinozzo, perimeter. TONY: Sure you don't want us to help you in there, Boss? Of course, not. Because if you did, you would have said, "David, Dinozzo, follow me." Probie! Stop it! We're not going anywhere. MCGEE: Why? What'd I miss? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. MAUSOLEUM - DAY MANN: It's not like you to leave something unfinished. The crime scene. Ever worry you're slipping? GIBBS: Nope. MANN: Any suspects yet? GIBBS: Nothing concrete. MANN: What does your gut say? GIBBS: Theory is it's an inside job. MANN: But you don't like that. So how else would he know which crypts are vacant? Ah, read the faceplates. So the warrant didn't exactly specify what we're looking for here. GIBBS: No. It's best to not have expectations. MANN: It staves off disappointment. What are we hoping for? GIBBS: You throw that "we" word around pretty casually. The last time someone tried to remove one of these, it blew up in his face. MANN: Oh. GIBBS: You might want to step back a little bit. MANN: Thank you for your concern. (SFX: CRYPT DOOR SLIDES OPEN) MANN: I see what you mean. Expectations. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. MAUSOLEUM - DAY TONY: Gibbs did not look happy to see her. ZIVA: Ha! His body language suggested he was not comfortable at all. MCGEE: Nothing makes Gibbs uncomfortable. TONY: Nothing job related. MCGEE: Do you think he ended it with her? Assuming that he started something. TONY: I don't buy it. MCGEE: Why not? TONY: For one, she's not a redhead. ZIVA: People do change, Tony. MCGEE: It's true. Even you have a girlfriend. TONY: I haven't changed. ZIVA: Really? What about the pretty girl in the office? TONY: Natalie Dalton? ZIVA: Oh, you noticed she was pretty, but you didn't flirt with her. TONY: That would have been unprofessional. MCGEE: I don't know. You might have gotten her to sign the authorization. ZIVA: Then we would not have needed the warrant. MCGEE: Then Colonel Mann wouldn't have been here. ZIVA: And we would be inside doing our job like professionals. MCGEE: All because you don't flirt anymore. Why is that? TONY: Enough gossip, McGee. MCGEE: Tony, you like to talk about everyone's private lives. TONY: Talk. Yes. I don't write entire books about them, do I? ZIVA: Ah! It does create a bit of a trust issue, McGee. GRADY: (V.O.) Excuse me. Hi. (ON CAMERA) Am I able to go inside today? ZIVA: The mausoleum is closed, Sir. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MAUSOLEUM - DAY MANN: Here it is. GIBBS: Are you going to let me in? MANN: I think we should be clear on the implications first. GIBBS: You're interfering with my investigation. MANN: Is that what I'm doing? GIBBS: Honestly, I'm not sure. MANN: If there's evidence in here, I'm going to be obligated to see this through to the end. GIBBS: And if there's not? MANN: Then I don't see why my involvement shouldn't end right here. GIBBS: If you wanted to see me, you didn't have to manufacture a reason. MANN: I follow the orders of the United States Army, even when they don't exactly make sense. GIBBS: You could have called. MANN: So could you. I distinctly remember the last thing you said as you were slinking out of-- GIBBS: I don't slink! MANN: ... was "I'll call you." GIBBS: For the record, I didn't think the last time we saw each other was going to be the last time we saw each other. MANN: Neither did I. GIBBS: Well, here we are. MANN: Lucky for us. GIBBS: Call it fate. MANN: Are you just going to let fate decide whether we go our separate ways? GIBBS: Five bodies in total. We've only recovered portions. MANN: You're hoping the rest are in here. GIBBS: Aren't you? MANN: Honestly, I'm not really sure. (SFX: CRYPT DOOR SLIDES OPEN) GIBBS: Is that the answer you were looking for? (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ELEVATOR - DAY DUCKY: If the bodies recovered from the mausoleum were, in fact, the result of mass murder... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY LAB - DAY (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) DUCKY: ... one might expect a certain modicum of consistency in the manner of death. GIBBS: One might. DUCKY: Yes, and one would be wrong. Shot, stabbed, strangled, bludgeoned, and poor Miss Undetermined Torrance. Three women, two men. Ages ranging from nineteen to seventy. Three are Caucasian, one Asian, and one Black. GIBBS: No common traits. DUCKY: Not in life. But the blood, however, settled on different surfaces on each of the bodies. JIMMY: Her left thigh, and back. His chest and buttocks. Meaning... MANN: The bodies were moved repeatedly. DUCKY: Precisely. They were killed and then moved for some sort of preparation. JIMMY: See the indentations in the ankles here and here... here. MANN: Chain link. DUCKY: Yes, I believe the bodies were suspended and drained, prior to being, well... there's only one word for it. GIBBS: Butchered. JIMMY: We sent the tissue samples to Abby. Hopefully she can... (SFX: PHONE RINGS) JIMMY: Speak of the devil. DUCKY: What we have here is paradoxical behavior. On one side we have a-- MANN: An emotional unrestrained murderer, using whatever means at hand. DUCKY: Yes, and on the other, someone tidy, meticulous, and almost flawless in the way he dissected these bodies. JIMMY: That wasn't Abby. That was the Director. She wants to see you. Both of you. TONY: (V.O.) As far as we can tell... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: ... the only thing that brought these people together is how they were taken apart. In addition to Marilyn Torrance, we have a nineteen-year-old runaway from Florida. He was shot. Thirty year old prostitute. She was strangled. ZIVA: No next of kin on either of them. Wade Carlin, twenty-six year old Georgetown graduate from Michigan. MCGEE: He broke off contact with his parents after his girlfriend dumped him six months ago. They thought he was Jack Kerouac-ing around the country. TONY: When in fact he was stabbed to death a few weeks after the breakup. MCGEE: All missing persons cases. All have led to nowhere. TONY: Until now. Gloria Grady. Age seventy-two. Ducky says she was the first victim. Blunt trauma. Only one relative, her son, Len Grady. ZIVA: He was at James River. TONY: With a bouquet of flowers. ZIVA: Lilies. For who? MCGEE: No record of any Grady at James River. Could be under a different name. TONY: Could be a friend. ZIVA: But lilies. They're feminine. The kind you give to a woman. MCGEE: Like your mother. (BEAT) Grady's mother. I don't know your mother. TONY: Could be visiting his trophies. ZIVA: Fits the classic profile. Thirties. Single. White. MCGEE: We should tell Gibbs. TONY: Yeah? Why don't we wait 'till he gets out, unless you want to be the one to interrupt his meeting? Campfire's over. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE SHEPARD: (INTO PHONE) Okay. Well, thank you, Colonel. I will get her back to you as soon as possible. (TO MANN) Your superiors have agreed to loan us your services for the interim. I trust that there is not a problem with that. MANN: No. Of course not, Director. As long as Special Agent Gibbs continues to be forthcoming with pertinent information. SHEPARD: Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: As long as she follows my lead, I can't foresee a problem. SHEPARD: You two have worked cases together successfully in the past. Nothing's changed to interfere with that professional relationship, has there? (BEAT) What do we have so far? GIBBS: Four confirmed homicides. Likely five. SHEPARD: That's all you know? GIBBS: I know we're wasting time debating jurisdictional protocol, or discussing who is entitled to what. SHEPARD: Well, then why don't you get back to it? GIBBS: Yeah, thank you. SHEPARD: Um... not you, Colonel Mann. I'd like to have a private word with you.(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY (SFX: ABBY SLAMS HER SHOE ON THE COUNTER) ZIVA: Uh... breaking in a new pair? ABBY: No. I always wear these. Why do I always wear these? Let me see your shoes. ZIVA: Okay. ABBY: Flat, sensible, functional. Not very sexy, but... ZIVA: But they do the trick. ABBY: Why do I wear three inch platforms? When I'm already five ten! I love these shoes, just all wrong. ZIVA: Wrong for who? ABBY: The tissue samples. ZIVA: I don't follow. ABBY: No, you don't want to hear about shoes. You want to hear about tissue samples. ZIVA: Sure. ABBY: I ran the Torrance tissues through the mass spec. And I found abnormal levels of chlorine. ZIVA: Chlorine? ABBY: Yeah. Like in a swimming pool. TONY: (V.O.) Len Grady's website. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: He's a jack-of-all-trades. Basically a guy with a big van. MCGEE: And a little initiative. Something of an amateur entrepreneur. TONY: That's not easy to say. Carpenter, plumber, gardener, electrician, TV installation, snow shoveling. ZIVA: But most importantly pool cleaning. GIBBS: Is that supposed to mean something? MCGEE: Well, he's not just any pool man. He's the Torrance's pool man. Grady's got his own key. Heated. Indoor. Regular monthly maintenance. I looked into it. GIBBS: Royalty checks burning a hole in your pocket, McGee? ZIVA: Already tied Grady to his mother. MCGEE: Body number one. TONY: And now Torrance. ZIVA: Body number two. GIBBS: Let's bring him in. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SHEPARD'S OFFICE - DAY SHEPARD: A lot of people were pleased to see Sharif off the streets. MANN: My superiors acknowledge your letter of commendation. I want you to know I appreciate it. SHEPARD: You two make an effective team. MANN: Gibbs and myself? SHEPARD: Well, it wasn't just a flash in the pan, was it? Your service at CID is up in six months. You must have started considering life after the military. MANN: Yes, it has crossed my mind. SHEPARD: The question is how to best serve your future, where the opportunity for advancement lies. It's not too early for a cocktail, is it? MANN: The sun must be down somewhere. SHEPARD: You drink bourbon? MANN: No, not regularly. SHEPARD: Spend enough time around Gibbs, and you'll learn. Believe me. It's an acquired taste. MANN: And when did you first acquire it? SHEPARD: It's been a while. It's something that stays with you, though. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - NIGHT (TONY JOGS TO THE CAR) (SFX: CAR DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) TONY: Nobody's home, Boss. Neighbors said he went out about an hour ago. What do we do? GIBBS: We wait. TONY: Okay. Colonel Mann still in with the Director? What do you think they're talking about? GIBBS: We wait....silently. TONY: Okay. (BEAT) I got him! (DOOR OPENS) TONY: Len Grady! Freeze! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY AND GIBBS CHASE GRADY) TONY: Federal agents! (SFX: GRADY TRIPS/FALLS) MCGEE: Up! Up! Up! GRADY: What?! What!? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (DOOR OPENS) TONY: Bachelor living. ZIVA: Not every bachelor. MCGEE: He's got a card for everything. (READS) Len Grady Painter. Len Grady Fountain Design. Cottage cheese ceilings removed and made smooth. TONY: Anything with a blade on it we should get to Abby. ZIVA: Not really what she wants. She's upset about her shoes. MCGEE: Doesn't sounds like Abby. TONY: Wrong pair of shoes can reduce a woman to tears. MCGEE: She was crying? ZIVA: Practically. MCGEE: Oh, it's not the shoes. TONY: Got something. Yep. White paper package tied with brown string. ZIVA: What is that? MCGEE: It's a pork chop. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HALLWAY - DAY MANN: You got our guy in there. GIBBS: Maybe. MANN: What? GIBBS: Nothing. MANN: It seems like you were thinking of something. GIBBS: That's been known to happen. MANN: Something about me. GIBBS: I thought I recognized your perfume. MANN: I don't wear perfume. GIBBS: Must have been something else. (DOOR OPENS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM GRADY: (FILTERED) So can I just go ahead and pay the fine and get out of here? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM GIBBS: Fine? GRADY: I know I shouldn't have cashed my mother's social security checks. GIBBS: We're not the IRS. She went missing last March. GRADY: She had dementia. It was getting worse. She must have gotten out one day. ZIVA: We're talking about a person here, not a dog. GRADY: I keep hoping she'll come back. GIBBS: You already know where to find her. GRADY: How do I know that? GIBBS: You went to visit her. ZIVA: Brought her flowers. GRADY: My mother's at the cemetery? ZIVA: What's left of her. She was dismembered. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM MANN: Look at his mind spinning. MCGEE: He's trying to figure out how to play him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM GRADY: I didn't do that. I took care of my mother. I fed her. I cleaned up after her. ZIVA: You must have been praying for it to end. GRADY: (SHOUTS) I loved my mother!(SFX: GRADY BANGS HIS HAND ON THE COUNTER) ZIVA: Maybe you were right the first time. It must have been like putting down a dog. Only no one ever noticed. Getting away with it must have been the most shocking part. GIBBS: And a new career is born. ZIVA: You did it again. And again. Kelly Camarda. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM ZIVA: (FILTERED) Wade Carlin. MANN: Something's not right. ZIVA: (FILTERED) Marilyn Torrance. MCGEE: What do you mean? MANN: He looks relieved. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM ZIVA: Gloria Grady. GRADY: Okay. Stop. GIBBS: You have something you want to tell us? GRADY: All of these people were chopped up? That's disgusting. What kind of person do you think could do that? I mean, you're looking for a monster. What do you want me to say? It's not me. (LONG BEAT) What now? Want me to do a lie-detector test or something? (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) ZIVA: You just did. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM MANN: He's telling the truth. GIBBS: You think I'm wrong? MANN: No. But he was relieved when you connected her with the rest of the bodies. He has no feelings about them at all. GIBBS: It doesn't mean he wasn't involved. MANN: MANN: Maybe. But that doesn't look like a man who feels trapped. That looks like a man who knows he has a way out. (CONT.) There's something much worse than Len Grady out there. Only he knows what it is. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MANN: We've got to push Grady harder to tell us what he knows. GIBBS: He won't. MANN: You think he's protecting the real killer? GIBBS: Protecting himself. MANN: Well, I can prove that he's not acting alone. TONY: Trying to run down Grady's van. No luck so far. MANN: He was on foot when you apprehended him. TONY: So what did he do with his ride? MANN: And when did he do it? ZIVA: After he spotted us at the cemetery. MANN: What? He just happened to be visiting? There's no such thing as a coincidence. ZIVA: Well, he wanted information. MCGEE: He was there to watch us. MANN: But, he got there as quickly as I did, so how did he know about the investigation? MCGEE: He's got a friend on the inside. MANN: A-ha. One person's a psychopath. Two people's a conspiracy. So who is he talking to? Grady doesn't leave here until we know everything about him. You start with yesterday and you work backwards. GIBBS: (LONG BEAT) Go. MANN: Forensics? MCGEE: Boss... MANN: Yeah? MCGEE: (TO GIBBS) Um, if you're going to go see Abby, I think you should know she's going through something and I'm not... GIBBS: Not going empty-handed, McGee. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY ABBY: Gibbs. And Lieutenant Colonel Mann. MANN: Abby... ABBY: Can I interest you in some knives? I've got kitchen knives, pen knives, pocket knives, Swiss Army knives. Razor blades, Exacto blades, scissors, saws, scalpels, hedge clippers, an adze, an awl, a fish scaler, and even a golf-hole cutter. MANN: All recovered from Grady's pig sty? ABBY: Reflected in the care he used to maintain his cutlery. There's dings and nicks and dull edges. None of these correspond to any of the precise incisions used to dismember the corpses. For such a slob, he certainly is careful when it counts. There wasn't a single trace of human blood anywhere. MANN: Human blood. ABBY: Our boy Grady is something of a carnivore. From the remnants on his silverware, I could pretty much tell you every meal he had for a week. Liverwurst, knockwurst, pastrami, roast beef, rack of lamb. Which leads us to...this. MANN: The pork chop from his freezer. ABBY: Probably his next meal. When I blow it up, it gets real interesting. MANN: It matches the incisions on the bodies. ABBY: Tool mark analysis isn't as precise as say fingerprints or ballistics, but I can conclusively tell you that none of the blades in Grady's possession carved that pig. MANN: Well, why would they? He probably had it carved at... his partner's a butcher! (MANN WALKS O.S.) ABBY: Don't you have work to do? Look, it's not something that you can fix in the classic Gibbs' hit and run style. Okay? GIBBS: I've got time, Abs. ABBY: It's stupid. It's just... the guy. I'm not going to start spilling my guts just 'cause you keep standing here. (LONG BEAT) All right, apparently I am too much for him. Can you imagine that? Me? And it's not what you think. It's not all this. He likes... he likes small women. I got dumped because I'm too ... too big. Don't even bother with the..."no, it's him. He's too small." Or "if he can't accept you for who you are, then it's his problem thing." He just doesn't think that we could make it work. And I've done everything I can to try to convince him that he's wrong. So I guess I'm just going to have to accept it. And let it go. (BEAT) Thanks, Gibbs. You always know what to say. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Metro P.D. responded to the BOLO on Grady's van. ZIVA: So far thirteen possibles and counting. MANN: McGee. MCGEE: Supermarkets, slaughterhouses, any place with a butcher on site within a twenty block radius of Grady's residence. MANN: Narrow the search to boutique shops. They'd need their privacy. MCGEE: There's just one. ZIVA: Just one? TONY: Boutique butcher's a dying industry. MANN: Where? MCGEE: Le Cochon, Mass Avenue. MANN: All right, get a list of employees, owners past and present. GIBBS: Let's roll! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. LE COCHON - DAY (SFX: DALTON CHOPS MEAT) GIBBS: Ms. Dalton.(DOOR OPENS) DALTON: I thought you said you didn't need me. MANN: What's your relationship with Len Grady? DALTON: Lenny's my boyfriend. Why? What's going on? MANN: You told Grady you spoke with us earlier. DALTON: Yeah, I mentioned it. (BEAT) Is this about the investigation? (BEAT) Where is Len? TONY: In custody. MANN: We suspect he's committed at least five murders. DALTON: That's impossible. Len would never hurt any... (BEAT) five? MANN: At least. GIBBS: Where's your freezer? (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ZIVA/ TONY/ MCGEE SEARCH THE STORE) TONY: Nothing in here, Boss. ZIVA: Just a pork, beef and lamb. DALTON: What else would there be? MCGEE: Human blood. DALTON: Human? GIBBS: What's in here? DALTON: It's a freezer I use for overflow to store geese and turkeys in the holidays. GIBBS: Got a key? (SFX: GIBBS UNLOCKS THE PADLOCK) DALTON: What kind of evidence did you say that you found in my grandfather's crypt? MANN: Does Grady have access to your store? DALTON: He's here all the time. Look, this can't be happening, okay? There must be some kind of... (SFX: FREEZER DOOR OPENS) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/DALTON RUSHES FROM THE ROOM GAGGING/ VOMITING) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM DALTON: He was a regular customer. Every week like clockwork. It was the only time that he could get away from his mother. ZIVA: He felt trapped. DALTON: I could tell that he needed to get on with his life. It started with a few words here and there. And then before long we were... ZIVA: Together. DALTON: Not fully, no. We didn't trade keys until ... after she um... disappeared. ZIVA: He learned your trade. DALTON: I taught him. He always wanted to try new things. I never suspected that...how could I not have seen it? GIBBS: Love makes you blind. DALTON: No. I must be some kind of monster. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM MANN: Is she the monster you were talking about? GRADY: No. She loves me. TONY: How? GRADY: We're in love. MANN: Well then she had to know about it. She had to know the real you. GRADY: She didn't do anything. MCGEE: You're right. She could have stopped you. TONY: She should have stopped you. MANN: Well, if it was real. GRADY: She didn't know! I hid it! I hid everything! Just leave her out of it! (SHOUTS) Natalie, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Natalie! I'm so sorry! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM GRADY: (V.O./MUFFLED) I'm sorry!! I love you!! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM GRADY: (SHOUTS) I'm sorry!(DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) GIBBS: Let's try this again. Marilyn Torrance. GRADY: She was swimming in her pool. I drowned her. GIBBS: Wade Carlin. GRADY: Natalie was at the wholesale market. He came him for a sandwich. I stabbed him. She was a hooker. I was lonely. Natalie was out of town! I strangled her. And the kid was nobody. Nobody. I just shot him! MANN: You kept him in the freezer for over a year? Why'd you move the bodies? Why'd you move them!? GIBBS: He needed the space. GRADY: No one could have stopped me. MANN: You were going to kill again. GIBBS: (BEAT) He already did. MANN: What'd you do with the body? GRADY: It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. (GRADY STRUGGLES/ SHOUTS) GRADY: No! No! No! No, Natalie!!(DOOR CLOSES) (GRADY'S MUFFLED SHOUTS B.G.) MANN: Find the van, find the body. GIBBS: Let her go. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ABBY'S LAB - DAY (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) ZIVA: Still at work? ABBY: Yeah. I was just catching up on some things. ZIVA: Cheek swabs. Hey, your music's back on. You're feeling good again. ABBY: Maybe not good. Not yet. But better. You know, um... sometimes a guy can get you all tied up inside. ZIVA: Yes. ABBY: And then you can't get the knots out. ZIVA: Yes. ABBY: Well, it just really helped me to talk things out with Gibbs, you know, and unknot the knots. 'Cause even if you don't let it show, people can still tell. So you know, if you ever want to talk about Lieutenant Sanders... ZIVA: I liked him. He died. And what else is there to say? (ABBY HUGS ZIVA) ZIVA: Well, I'm glad you feel better. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - MOVING MANN: With the right partner, you can make the perfect monster. GIBBS: Oh, yeah. Give me a little old time romance. (SFX: MANN LAUGHS) MANN: Someone's got hidden skeletons of his own. You know, if I ever find myself in a dire situation, (V.O.) the proverbial body I need to get rid of, (ON CAMERA) I think I would tell you. GIBBS: Yeah? MANN: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CAR - NIGHT (SFX: CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE) GIBBS: What makes you think I wouldn't turn you in? MANN: If there's one thing you're good at, Jethro, it's keeping your mouth shut. You made the right call letting the girl go. It seems you always make the right call when it involves a case. (SFX: VAN DOORS OPEN) MANN: Oh, son-of-a.... (MUSIC UP AND OUT)

An explosion at a military cemetery mausoleum turns up a skeleton. As they investigate, Ducky discovers that they have turned up the skeleton of more than one body. The team talks to the families to try to find some link between the victims. Meanwhile, Abby is having personal problems.

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With Help from: Aaron Howard-Miller [Scene: Chandler and Monica's, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table eating cheesecake. The box it came in is also on the table.] Chandler: Ohh. Mmm. Rachel: (Comes in the front door and walks towards the kitchen.) Hi. Chandler: Hey, you have got to try this cheesecake. Rachel: Oh, y'know I'm not that much of a sweet tooth. I-(Chandler puts a forkful of the cheesecake in her mouth.)-Wow. My God, so creamy. Oh my God, this is the best cheesecake I have ever had. Where did you get this? (She reaches over to look at the label on the box.) Chandler: (nervously) It was at the front door. When I got home. Somebody sent it to us. Rachel: Chandler, this is not addressed to you. This is addressed to Mrs. Braverman downstairs. (Gasping) Thief. Chandler: I-no! I didn't read the box before I opened it. And you can't return a box after you've opened the box. Rachel: Why, why not? Chandler: Because it's too delicious. Rachel: Chandler, you stole this cheesecake. That is wrong. Chandler: No-no-no! It is going to be okay, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for a free one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, (Reading the label) Momma's Little Bakery. (Pause) I feel terrible, I'm a horrible, horrible, horrible person. Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh, I'm sorry, what? Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Rachel is there as Joey gets up and starts putting on his coat.] Joey: All right, I should get going, big day at work. Y'know I'm in a coma? Today, they do this test on me and it turns out I'm not brain dead. Chandler: So... Joey: Ah-ah-ah Mr. Smartie Pants, it's just my character that's not brain dead. Hey, so Pheebs, we still on for tonight? Phoebe: Absolutely! Joey: I'll see you at 8:00. Phoebe: Okay. (Joey exits.) Chandler: Oh, what's at 8:00? Phoebe: Oh, I have dinner plans with Joey. We get together about once a month to discuss the rest of you guys. Ross: Wow, did not know that! May I say how lovely you look today? Phoebe: Duly noted. Ross: Thanks. (Phoebe gets up to get a refill.) (To Monica) Oh! So for tomorrow, do you want to rent a car and drive down together or what? Monica: What are you talking about? Ross: Cousin Frannie's wedding, it's tomorrow night. Monica: You were invited?! Ross: No. Monica: My God, I can't believe this! I mean I knew that mom and dad were invited, but I thought that was it! I mean from the ages 7 to 9 Frannie and I were inseparable! Chandler: Well, maybe since the age of 9, Frannie's made some new friends. Ross: Well l-look okay, it's probably just a mistake. Let me call Aunt Sheryl okay? Maybe you are invited and the invitation just got lost in the mail. Monica: Yeah, well you call her and tell her that y'know when we were kids her precious little Frannie tried to undress me several times, okay? And if I hadn't have stopped her, there probably wouldn't even be a wedding to go to. Ross: Y'know, she tried to undress me too. Chandler: I used to undress my cousin Glenn. (Monica looks at him then shushes him.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Monica, Chandler, Rachel, and Ross are playing Monopoly as Phoebe enters angrily.] Phoebe: Joseph Francis Tribbiani are you home yet?!! Rachel: Umm, I think he's still out. What's wrong? Phoebe: Well, I'll tell you Rachel Karen Green, I had plans with Joey tonight and he left me this note. (Hands it to Rachel.) Rachel: (reading the note) "Pheebs, can't make it, got a date. Talk to you later. Big Daddy." (Laughs) Big Daddy? Phoebe: Oh that's a nickname we were trying out. Ross: Hey, y'know what nickname never caught on? The Ross-A-Tron! (Monica shakes her head in disgust.) Joey: (entering) Hey! Phoebe: Oh! Here's Joseph Francis! Joey: Oh-Wha-Ho! What are you middle naming me for?! I left you a note! Phoebe: So what?! That doesn't give you the right to ditch me! Joey: Hey, you can cancel plans with friends if there is the possibility for s*x! Ross: Phoebe he's right, that is the rule. Phoebe: I don't accept this rule. When we make plans, I expect you to show up. Okay, I can't just be a way to kill time 'til you meet someone better! Y'know boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but this (Motions that their friendship) is for life! Joey: Wow! I'm so sorry; I had no idea it would bother you this much. Phoebe: Well, it does. Joey: Okay, can I-can I make it up to you? Huh? I'm sorry. (They hug.) How about uh, dinner tomorrow night?! I'll pay for myself! Phoebe: Okay, you wore me down. Ross: Hey Joe, while you're over there how about another beer for the Ross-A-Tron? Joey: The Ross-Is that back?!! (Chandler motions no.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters to find Chandler staring at another cheesecake box.] Rachel: Hi! Chandler: Another cheesecake came! They delivered it to the wrong address again! Rachel: So just bring it back downstairs, what's the problem? Chandler: I can't seem to say goodbye. Rachel: Are you serious?! Chandler, we ate an entire cheesecake two days ago and you want more? Chandler: Well I've forgotten what it tastes like okay?! Rachel: It was cheesecake. It was fine. It had a buttery, crumbly, graham cracker crust, with a very rich yet light, cream cheese filling... (Pause) Wow! My whole mouth just filled with saliva! Chandler: (closing the box) Y'know what? Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had lunch! We are just light-headed! So let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake. Rachel: Yeah and we'll drop it off downstairs so that we're not tempted. Chandler: Good idea. Where do you want to go to lunch? Rachel: Momma's Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois. (They exit with the cheesecake.) [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Joey are there. Joey is reading a newspaper.] Joey: Awww! Mel Torme died. Monica: Joey, that paper's like a year old! Joey: Aw! Does that mean the Sam Goody's sale is over?! Ross: (entering) Hey. Joey: Hey. Monica: Hey. Ross: So I finally heard back from Aunt Sheryl and apparently it wasn't a mistake. Ahh, there's-there's limited seating in the hall. Monica: Limited seating?! (Screechingly) I am just one tiny person! Ross: Well yeah, but she doesn't know that. I mean, the last time she saw you-you would've turned one of those little wedding chairs into kindling. Monica: (disgusted) Limited seating! Oh, that is such a lame excuse! That's not the reason she's not inviting me! Ross: Oh what's the big deal?! I wasn't even invited to the ceremony, just the reception. And-and y'know what? If it makes you feel any better, Joan and I will just make an appearance and then, and then we'll-we'll leave early as a sign of protest. Monica: Joan? Ross: Yeah, Joan Tedeski my date. She's an assistant professor in the Linguistics department. Tall, very beautiful, and despite what some people say, not broad backed! Monica: Wait a minute, you got Ross Gellar and guest?! I wasn't invited and you got "and guest?!" Joey: Uh-uh, excuse me, I do have to interrupt on Ross's behalf. I-I think the rule applies here y'know, since she has a chance to get on broad back... Ross: (interrupting) Not broad backed! Monica: Wait a minute, y'know, you're bringing me! Ross: What? I can't cancel on Joan! Monica: Why not?! Ross: Bec-Did you not hear me?! She's an assistant professor in the Linguistics department, okay? They're wild! Why do you want to come anyway? Monica: Because! She's my cousin. I mean, we grew up together! We're family y'know? Well that's important to me. Ross: Okay, all right, I'll take you. I'll go call Joan. (Does so.) Joey: Aww that's nice. Family should be there, huh? This is her wedding, happiest day of her life. Monica: (laughs) We'll see. [Scene: The Lobby of Chandler and Rachel's building, Chandler and Rachel are returning from lunch.] Chandler: Well, thank you for lunch. Rachel: What? Wait a minute, I didn't pay, I thought you paid! Chandler: So apparently we just don't pay for food anymore. (Rachel laughs then Chandler notices something.) Do you see what I see? Rachel: (gasps) Its still there! (The cheesecake they returned to Mrs. Braverman is still lying in front of her door.) Chandler: Mrs. Braverman must be out. (They move closer to it.) Rachel: She could be out of town. Maybe she'll be gone for months. Chandler: By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don't want her to come back to bad cheesecake. Rachel: No that could kill her. Chandler: Well, we don't want that. Rachel: No, so we're protecting her. Chandler: But we should take it. Rachel: But we should move quick. Chandler: Why? Rachel: Because I think I just heard her moving around in there. Chandler: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (Rachel grabs the cheesecake and they take off upstairs.) [Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are entering. As Phoebe is sitting down, she recognizes someone sitting at the counter.] Phoebe: (gasps) (whispering) Oh my God! That's David! Monica: David who? Phoebe: David the scientist guy, David that I was in love with, David who went to Russia and broke my heart David! David: (noticing Phoebe) Oh my God! Phoebe: Oh, you say someone's name enough, they turn around. David: Phoebe? Phoebe: David! (He kisses her cheek) What-what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in Russia? David: Yeah, I'm just, I'm just in town for a conference. Umm, God you look phenomenal! Phoebe: Well... Yeah. You look great too. Did you get a haircut? David: Yeah. Well I-I got like thirty of them. Phoebe: Yeah. David: Umm, look I-I-I got a confession to make... Phoebe: Uh-huh. David: Uh, I-I-I was hoping to run into you here. I didn't know whether I should call or not, y'know I-I was only in town for a few days. And y'know, I didn't want to intrude on your life or-or anything like that, but I-I really wanted to see you and-but I didn't know if you wanted to see me. Phoebe: Well, of course I would want to see you. I...I think about you all the time. David: Really? Because I think about you all the time. Phoebe: Really? David: I mean, there's a statue in Minsk... Phoebe: Uh-huh. David: That reminds me of you so much, I mean umm, it-it's actually of Lenin. But, y'know at certain angles... Phoebe: Yeah. David: Umm, anyway...Do you want to have dinner tonight? Phoebe: (excited) Yes! Oh no! David: (disappointed) Oh. Uh, what? Phoebe: I can't. I can't believe I have plans, I can't. Can you do it tomorrow night though? David: Uh no, I have to go in a few hours. I have to be on the red-eye. Well listen, y'know, next time you're in Minsk umm... Monica: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second? Phoebe: Uh-huh. (They go over and talk.) Monica: What are you doing? Phoebe: Well, I have plans with Joey tonight. Monica: So! He'll understand! Phoebe: No he won't. And that's not even the point! Monica, I made a whole speech about you do not cancel plans with friends! And now y'know what? Just because, potentially, the love of my life comes back from Russia just for one night, I-I should change my beliefs?! I should change beliefs! No! No! No, if I don't have my principles, I don't have anything! Monica: God, you are so strong. Phoebe: Or! I should rush through dinner with Joey and I can meet David at 9:00! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Chandler are eating the cheesecake right out of the box.] Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh my God! That is so good! Chandler: I'm full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I'll regret it. Joey: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey! Joey: (seeing what they're doing) What do you got there? Rachel: Oh it's umm, it's tofu cake. Do you want some? (He makes a disgusted noise and heads for his room, Chandler follows him in.) Chandler: What are you doing tonight? Joey: Huh? Uh... (He starts taking off his pants.) Chandler: Dude! Dude! (Motions that Joey should pull up his pants.) Joey: Oh! (Pulls up his pants.) Sorry. Uh, I've got those plans with Phoebe, why? Chandler: Oh really? Uh, Monica said she had a date at 9:00. Joey: What?! Tonight?! Chandler: That's what Monica said. Joey: After she gave me that big speech?! She goes and makes a date with a guy on the same night she has plans with me? I think she's trying to pull a fast one on Big Daddy! [Scene: Cousin Frannie's Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are entering and finding their table.] Ross: Oh here, I think this is us. (Reading the name cards.) Yeah. Monica: Limited seating my ass. Let's see who made the cut. (To the couple sitting to her right.) Hi! The Wedding Guest: Hi! Monica: I'm Monica Gellar. Who do you know the bride and groom? The Wedding Guest: Oh, I used to work with Frannie. Monica: Used to work with her. Used to! I'm a relative and I didn't get invited! A blood relative! Blood!! Ross: (To Monica) Stop saying, "Blood" to strangers. Monica: (to the couple on her left) So, how about you huh? How do you know the happy couple? The Second Guest: We went to college with both of them and now we live next door. Monica: Okay, you're fine. [Scene: Iridium Restaurant, Phoebe and Joey are looking at the menus as the waiter comes to take their order.] The Waiter: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! The Waiter: Are you guys ready? Phoebe: Yes! I will have the green salad, umm the house salad, and water's fine. The Waiter: Okay. Phoebe: Okay. The Waiter: (To Joey) And for you sir? Joey: Yeah, this slow roasted salmon, just how slow are we talkin' here? The Waiter: It's uh, it's already been roasted. Joey: Ohh, then no. Maybe I should hear those specials again. Phoebe: Oh Joey, we've heard the specials three times! Okay? There's prime rib, mahi mahi, and a very special lobster ravioli. (She grabs his menu and hands it to the waiter.) The Waiter: Actually we're out of the lobster ravioli. (Putting Joey's menu under his arm.) Joey: Oh well, that changes everything! (Grabs his menu and starts looking at it again. The waiter leaves.) Y'know what Pheebs? Phoebe: Huh? Joey: You were right before. I mean, friends are so important. Phoebe: (checking her watch) Yeah, I'm very wise. I know. Joey: Y'know-y'know what I really want? Phoebe: What? Joey: Is to have a long, long talk. Y'know? Get Joey out on the open road and really open him up. The Waiter: (returning) Any progress? Joey: Yes! I will have the lobster ravioli. Phoebe: God Joey, this is taking forever! Joey: What's the rush? What? Phoebe: W-w-I just-it's that-I have-y'know I have-I have an appointment. And it's very important. Joey: Whoa-whoa, what is it? Phoebe: Well... It's a date. Joey: A date?! No, no Pheebs you-you must be mistaken, because I know you wouldn't schedule a date on the same night you have plans with a friend! Phoebe: Come on Joey, don't make me feel badly about this. Joey: No, I'm gonna!! That's right! Yeah, you made me feel really guilty about goin' out with that girl! Like-like-like I did something terrible to you! And now Pheebs, you're doing the same thing! Phoebe: That-It's not the same thing! This is totally different! This is with David! Remember David, the scientist guy? Okay, he's very special to me. Joey: Okay, well my girl from the other night was special. She was a scientist too! Phoebe: She was? Joey: Well, she graduated from high school! Phoebe: Okay, whatever. Y'know what? I don't have time to convince you because he's only here for four hours, and I'm gonna go see him! (Gets up and leaves.) Joey: Fine! Phoebe: Yeah! Joey: Fine! Phoebe: Yeah! (She exits.) Joey: (to the waiter) What are you still doin' here?! I told you, lobster ravioli! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is running up to meet David.] Phoebe: Hey! David: Hey! Oh, I was just about to leave. I-I-I-I didn't think you were coming. Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn't miss this. David: Well, I'm very glad you're here. (Kisses her hand.) Phoebe: Oh, you're such a gentleman. (Grabs his arm.) Come on! We're going to my place! (Drags him off to her place.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating the cheesecake and Chandler enters and catches her in the act.] Chandler: Are you eating the cheesecake without me?! Rachel: (with a mouthful) Mm-mmm. (Nods no.) Chandler: I will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now. (She tries to whistle and blows little chunks of cheesecake out of her mouth.) How can you eat the cheesecake without me?! Rachel: Oh, what are you going to do?! Are you gonna go run tell Monica?! Are you gonna tell Joey?! No! Because then you will have to tell them what we did! We are dessert stealers! We are living outside the law! Chandler: Y'know what? I don't trust you with this cake anymore! And I got it first, and I'm takin' it back! (Grabs the cheesecake and heads for his apartment.) Rachel: What?! What?! Chandler: Oh yes! Rachel: Wait a minute! Chandler: Oh yes! Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no you don't! [Cut to Chandler and Monica's as they enter.] Chandler: Oh yes! Oh yes! Rachel: You think I trust you with it?! No! We're gonna split it! You take half and I take half! Chandler: Well that's not fair, you've already had some! Rachel: What? Oh, well then y'know what? I think Monica would be very interested to know that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy. Chandler: What do we use to split it? Rachel: Okay! (Grabs a knife and cuts it in half.) All right, pick a half. Chandler: (examining the cake) Okay well, this side looks bigger. Uh... There's more crust on this side. Y'know? So, maybe if I measured... Rachel: Oh for God sake just pick a piece! Chandler: All right, I'll pick that one. (Points.) Rachel: That's also the smaller piece. (Puts the piece onto a plate.) Okay, there you go. Enjoy your half my friend, but that is it. No sharing. No switching, and don't come crying to me if you eat your piece too fast. (As she's saying that she is backing out the door, when she finishes she turns around to return to her place, stumbles and drops the cheesecake on the floor.) Oh!!!! Chandler: (gloatingly and holding his piece) Ohhh! Rachel: Okay, you gotta give me some of your piece. Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and don't come crying to me! Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the hallway and eat my... (Rachel knocks the plate from his hand and it falls on the floor. That process leaves just the forkful Chandler has, Rachel starts to go after that little bit and Chandler retreats into his apartment.) [Scene: Cousin Frannie's Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are sitting at the table, alone, as a woman approaches.] The Woman: Ross, sweetheart! Ross: Oh, hey Aunt Millie. Aunt Millie: Isn't it a beautiful wedding?! Ross: Yes, yes it is. It's uh... (Aunt Millie uses this opportunity to grab Ross and kiss him on the lips. After she leaves Ross quickly wipes his mouth with a napkin.) Every time on the lips! Why?! Why on lips?! (Cousin Frannie and her husband enter.) Monica: Here's Frannie. Hmm, won't she be happy to see me? (Starts to get up and greet Frannie.) Ross: Now wait a minute, you be nice! All right? I didn't bring you here so you can ambush her. Monica: Frannie was the one who found your Playboys and showed them to mom. Ross: That bitch! (He gets up and they go over to ambush Frannie. Monica taps on Frannie's shoulder.) Frannie: (turning around) Monica! What... Monica: Am I doing here? Why? Surprised to see me? Ross brought me. How do you like that?! Ross: (to Frannie) Hi Frannie, congratulations. Monica: You invite my brother, you invite my whole family, and not me?! Why?! What-Why wouldn't you want me at your wedding? What could I have possibly done?! (Frannie's husband walks up.) Stuart! Frannie: I believe you know my husband. (Monica is shocked into silence.) Ross: So it's really a question of who could you have possibly done. [Scene: Outside Central Perk, David has a cab waiting to take him to the airport and he's saying goodbye to Phoebe.] David: Oh, I hate this but I-I-I have to go. I-I can't miss my flight. Phoebe: Are you sure? I'll bet there's another flight to Minsk in like... David: July. Umm, (He speaks Russian.) Phoebe: That's really beautiful. What does it mean? David: Please, clean my beakers. I don't get out of the lab much. Phoebe: That's good. I got to admit, I thought it was something else. David: Yeah, I... Well I really actually wanted to say umm, that, but um, I figured I probably shouldn't because y'know, I...have to leave. Phoebe: You're right! You're right. Don't say it. David: I-I do though. Phoebe: I do too. (They kiss.) David: Bye Phoebe. (He gets in and the cab drives off. Joey walks up and witnesses that event.) Phoebe: (seeing him) Okay, now's not the time Joey. All right? You can yell at me tomorrow. Joey: No! No! No Pheebs, I'm not gonna yell at you. I just y'know, started thinking about you and David and I...remember how bummed you were the first time he left. And I just... Oh Pheebs, come here. (He hugs her.) Are you okay? Phoebe: No I'm not okay. The only guy I've ever been crazy about has gone to Minsk and I may never...I may never see him again. (Crying.) Joey: Hey, y'know you could always visit him. Phoebe: Oh right, like they're gonna let me have a passport. Joey: Anything I can do? Whatever you need. Phoebe: Well-But-Now, if-if you can achieve positronic distillation of sub-atomic particles y'know before he does, then he can come back. (They hug again.) Joey: I can give it a shot. [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on their knees with forks trying to salvage what they can of the cheesecake off of the floor.] Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! There's a piece that doesn't have floor on it! Chandler: Stick to your side! Rachel: Hey, come on now! (Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.) Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin'? (Starts digging in.) Ending Credits [Scene: Cousin Frannie's Wedding Reception, Ross and Monica are at the door and about to leave.] Monica: Oh wait I forgot my wrap. Ross: What? Oh, okay. Wait here. (Goes to get it, but before he gets there Aunt Millie sits down on it forcing him to pull it out from behind her which gets her attention.) Aunt Millie: Hi sweetie! Are you leaving? Ross: Well... Aunt Millie: Give us a kiss. Come on! Come on! (Ross hesitates then leans down trying to get her to kiss his cheek, but she moves his head around and kisses him on the lips again.) Ross: Why?! Why on the lips?! (He wipes his mouth on Monica's wrap and walks off, leaving Aunt Millie stunned.)

Phoebe gets angry with Joey when he blows off dinner with her for a date. The tables are turned however when her scientist boyfriend David returns to town for one night -- the same night when she's scheduled to go to dinner with Joey. Monica is upset by her lack of invitation to a cousin's wedding, especially when she finds out that Ross was invited "with guest". Chandler accidentally gets a cheesecake delivered that was intended for another apartment. When he and Rachel start eating it, they are unable to stop and refuse to give it back.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_03x11

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_03x11_0

5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. KEMBEL. JUNGLE CLEARING (As the DOCTOR approaches the TARDIS, he stops to catch his breath. He sees movement through the trees and hides. He watches from the undergrowth as three DALEKS emerge from around the TARDIS. The DOCTOR looks on in horror as they surround the ship. He ducks further back into hiding...) (...as the DALEKS look over the TARDIS.) FIRST DALEK: Inform base security that a further intruder craft has been located. SECOND DALEK: I obey. FIRST DALEK: Security patrols five and seven will converge on this area. Priority alert. Invaders to be located and destroyed! (The FIRST DALEK glides away. In the bushes, a worried DOCTOR also backs away from the scene and heads off into the trees. Back at the TARDIS, the FIRST DALEK glides back.) FIRST DALEK: A message from the Dalek Supreme - Operation Inferno to be put into execution at once. SECOND DALEK: Inform all units. Evacuate patrols to safety areas. Confirm with units in position. On confirmation, start abbreviated countdown for Operation Inferno. (The DOCTOR continues to observe...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. CONFERENCE ROOM (MAVIC CHEN sits alone in a large conference room. A shallow ramp descends into the room and at the bottom of this ramp spread out on either side two quarter-circle tables. CHEN is at one of these tables, writing on one of a numbers of papers in front of him. A menacing humanoid creature, dressed in a black cloak, appears at the top of the ramp. Its face is covered by a black hood with two slanting gashes for eyeholes. The creature starts to walk down the ramp. CHEN looks up and sees it approaching. The creature speaks with an arrogant, slightly high-pitched lilt to its voice which echoes in the cavernous chamber.) ZEPHON: Mavic Chen, Guardian of the Solar System? MAVIC CHEN: Yes? ZEPHON: I am Zephon, Master of the Fifth Galaxy. MAVIC CHEN: Of course. I had hoped to meet you once before - at the Intergalactic Conference of Andromeda. ZEPHON: I did not attend, and now you know the reason. The Daleks held a separate council at the same time. None of us of the outer galaxies went to yours. MAVIC CHEN: Erm... except Trantis. ZEPHON: We agreed to send a delegate. In order that the conference should not become suspicious. (CHEN gestures to the papers in front of him.) MAVIC CHEN: I have been reading the reports on the previous meetings here. The Daleks have evolved a most interesting plan. ZEPHON: We of the outer galaxies have contributed to it also. MAVIC CHEN: (Smiles.) Oh, of course. But you must admit the Daleks have a... a genius for war. ZEPHON: That is so. However, one thing surprises me: that you, Guardian of the Solar System, have agreed to become one of us. MAVIC CHEN: Why the surprise? As you say, I am Guardian of the Solar System. But that is nothing more than a part, however influential, of one galaxy. Would you be satisfied with just a part of a galaxy? ZEPHON: The solar system is exceptional. In its power lies influences far outside its own sphere. Surely by joining with the forces determined to destroy that power, you mark yourself out as a supreme traitor? MAVIC CHEN: Traitor? (He laughs.) An archaic word for so advanced a... "man" as yourself. Considering that the planet Fisar and the Emodyment Gris have both, at different times, tried to depose you, do you still maintain that you're the mouthpiece for your own galaxy? ZEPHON: I do... now that I am all-powerful with my position. MAVIC CHEN: True. But then you do not understand the conflicting powers within our solar system. Now let us go and take some air. This is hardly the time and the place for so serious a discussion. ZEPHON: But first we must... MAVIC CHEN: (Interrupts.) Some air! (They walk out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. RECEPTION AREA (A DALEK glides into the reception area where the DALEK SUPREME waits.) DALEK SUPREME: Report. DALEK: Guardian of the Solar System - Chen - must be watched. His ambitions exceed his usefulness. DALEK SUPREME: When he has served his purpose, he, like the others, will be eliminated! No power in this universe can stop the Daleks! [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. KEMBEL. JUNGLE (STEVEN wakes up in the jungle. KATARINA watches him as he begins to recover. He is no longer wearing his Grecian tunic but instead sports a corduroy jacket and trousers. He is still short of breath.) STEVEN: Where's the Doctor? KATARINA: He will be here soon. STEVEN: I don't understand... where are we... I can't think straight. KATARINA: You must rest. The tablets I gave you have made you better. But you must still rest. STEVEN: Tablets? Now what's going on here? What are we doing out here in the jungle? KATARINA: We had to leave the temple - the TARDIS. The evil ones came. STEVEN: Evil ones? KATARINA: He called them the... Daleks? STEVEN: (Shocked.) Daleks! (He drifts back into unconsciousness. KATARINA continues to watch over him but she is alerted by a sound in the trees. Some bushes part and the DOCTOR emerges.) DOCTOR: Katarina! (He walks over to her.) KATARINA: (Delighted.) My lord! DOCTOR: Doctor! Doctor! What are you both doing here? KATARINA: The evil ones searched for us but Bret helped us. He said they were evil! DOCTOR: Yes, well whoever this Bret is, he's quite right! The Daleks are evil things. KATARINA: Bret is the man you put in your magic chair. DOCTOR: What? That young ruffian, mmm? KATARINA: But he helped us! DOCTOR: And you released him? KATARINA: Was I not right to do so? (The DOCTOR grunts.) KATARINA: When the evil ones came, he said we had to flee from your temple. DOCTOR: Oh, my TARDIS, child, my TARDIS. Yes, you... you were right. I mean, he wasn't to know that you were quite safe away from the Daleks in there. (He looks down at STEVEN who is awake again.) DOCTOR: How is this young man? STEVEN: I'll be all right in a minute or two. Thanks Doc. DOCTOR: Good, good, good. KATARINA: Bret says the time is four thousand... DOCTOR: Mmm? KATARINA: And he came here and only just got away from the evil ones. He gave Steven some white tablets, and he's almost well again. DOCTOR: Ah, I see, I see. (Laughs.) Yes, and I clamped him in that chair. (Laughs.) And he's the very fellow with the anti-toxin. (To STEVEN.) Well, young man, you'd better pull yourself together. We've got some work to do. (He helps STEVEN up.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. KEMBEL. JUNGLE CLEARING (BRET watches from a place of concealment, near to the TARDIS as a patrol of three DALEKS line up in the jungle. A fourth DALEK glides up to them and gives an order.) FIRST DALEK: Operate pyro-flames! DALEKS: We obey! (The DALEKS all have torches in place of their usual arms. Fierce flames emit from these and they start moving through the jungle, setting light to trees and undergrowth as they go. A horrified BRET moves away from the scene of devastation.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. KEMBEL. JUNGLE (Nearby, the DOCTOR is helping a still weakened STEVEN to walk.) DOCTOR: Aren't you feeling better, hmm? STEVEN: Look, Doctor, I think I can manage on my own now. DOCTOR: Carefully, carefully. Now, just rest for a minute. Take a few deep breaths, hmm? Don't try to run before you can walk, hmm? Though you may have to. (BRET VYON suddenly appears from the jungle.) DOCTOR: Oh, it's Bret, isn't it? Yes, thank you. Tell me, what's happening, hmm? BRET VYON: It's the Daleks, they're using flame guns. I think they're gonna burn down the jungle! DOCTOR: Oh, good gracious me! We must try and get back to the TARDIS. We're in grave danger here. STEVEN: Doctor, don't you see it's a trap? That's exactly what they want us to do! DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes, possibly, possibly. STEVEN: We can't act without thinking. DOCTOR: (Angrily.) I never do and never shall! STEVEN: But you're all set to go straight back to the TARDIS. KATARINA: You said we should never have left it. DOCTOR: Yes, you're quite right my dear. It's the safest place. STEVEN: Oh yes? If the Daleks are waiting outside for us, it will be suicide. DOCTOR: Oh, not necessarily, not necess... STEVEN: Who's going to play the scapegoat? KATARINA: Supposing Steven were right? DOCTOR: Well, in this instance, child, he might be, but I know the Daleks! STEVEN: So do I, Doctor! And look, I think we should stay here until we know exactly what they're going to do! DOCTOR: Yes and they could track us down at any time. STEVEN: We'd hear them! DOCTOR: No... STEVEN: I mean, the... the Mechanoids... DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) Oh, they were robots... STEVEN: So what? DOCTOR: These are Daleks! Now you listen to me, young man, I am in charge of this situation. (As their voices get louder, BRET comes over to them.) BRET VYON: Quiet! Will you shut up! (He points his blaster at the DOCTOR.) BRET VYON: At least that's stopped you arguing? DOCTOR: Well, upon my soul! BRET VYON: Now look here, I don't care what happens to you, but I've got to warn Earth! DOCTOR: Yes, and you will have to do far more than that! If the Daleks are doing something drastic, then we have to stop the Daleks! Now, will you shut up - sir, hmm? (BRET glares at the old man...) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. KEMBEL. ANOTHER PART OF THE JUNGLE (The DALEKS continue to move through the jungle, burning everything in their path as they go with their flame-throwers. Thick black smoke fills the air. ) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. KEMBEL. JUNGLE (BRET and the DOCTOR are still arguing...) BRET VYON: One, we learn the Dalek plans... DOCTOR: We know, young man... BRET VYON: (Insistent.) ...and two, get the information back to Earth. DOCTOR: Now just listen, listen, listen! Think back for the moment. Just think back! If the Daleks are going to attack Earth, as you seem to fear, then you must tell Earth to look back in the history of the year 2157, and that the Daleks are going to attack again. History will show how to deal with them. BRET VYON: Who cares about history? DOCTOR: Now listen... STEVEN: I can smell smoke! (The DOCTOR and BRET stop arguing and they look round.) STEVEN: Yes, look! (STEVEN points at more burning trees.) DOCTOR: Yes, you're quite right, young man, they're going to trap us, hmm. KATARINA: (Scared.) Doctor, it's like the wall of fire. DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, no! Not quite, not quite my dear. We're going to get out of here! Come on, this way! (VYON realises with surprise which direction the DOCTOR is moving towards.) BRET VYON: That's the way to the Dalek city! DOCTOR: But of course! That's the last place they will expect us to go. Come along! (The DOCTOR and his party move off again, followed by a surprised BRET as the crackling of the fire echoes around them.) DOCTOR: Come along! [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. RECEPTION AREA (MAVIC CHEN and ZEPHON stand in the reception area, watching the blazing jungle.) MAVIC CHEN: The magnificent power of the flame. Primitive, but efficient. ZEPHON: You too would have used ultrasonics? (CHEN considers...) MAVIC CHEN: Mmm, if I had nothing better. Well, the meeting must start soon. ZEPHON: You appear so keen to be a model delegate one might think you are afraid of the Daleks. MAVIC CHEN: A dangerous statement. Remember where you are. ZEPHON: Ha! The solar system is so far behind that it believes the Daleks need to eavesdrop? MAVIC CHEN: Of course not. ZEPHON: The Daleks needed me. Without my help, they would never have got the co-operation of the masters of Celation and Beaus. We are on equal terms. MAVIC CHEN: Really? Three galaxies for the price of one. ZEPHON: I do not understand you? MAVIC CHEN: Perhaps I'm one of those who knows my place. Are you coming in to take your seat? ZEPHON: They will not start the meeting without me. I feel like waiting... here. (MAVIC CHEN bows and departs, leaving ZEPHON arrogantly alone.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. CONFERENCE ROOM (In the conference room, the other delegates are gathering. The DALEK SUPREME is in position on its raised dais at one end of the room. Another DALEK glides down the ramp and reports to its superior.) DALEK: Zephon... DALEK SUPREME: It was expected. His usefulness is over. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY (The DOCTOR, STEVEN, KATARINA and BRET VYON arrive at the edge of the jungle and the outer wall of the DALEK city. Next to it is the landing pad for the spaceships of the delegates. BRET points in astonishment to them.) BRET VYON: Look at that! STEVEN: Oh, just look at those ships. Beautiful, aren't they? (But VYON is concerned at one ship in particular. His face is puzzled.) BRET VYON: That one in the middle - that's from Earth. That's Mavic Chen's! DOCTOR: You know that spaceship? BRET VYON: Yes, I do. It belongs to the Guardian of the Solar System! DOCTOR: Oh, then you'll know how to fly it, hmm? BRET VYON: Yes, of course I do, but... DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) Well, that's the one to go for, isn't it? (He chuckles.) BRET VYON: I can't believe it. It doesn't make sense! STEVEN: If you know how to use it, what's the worry? BRET VYON: Look, he's the Guardian - don't you understand? STEVEN: So what? We don't want him, just his ship. BRET VYON: He's the ultimate head of the solar system! Now what's he doing here with the Daleks? STEVEN: Well, that's what we want to find out! DOCTOR: Would you both be quiet, please? We've got to take that spaceship if we're going to warn Earth! Look out. (The DOCTOR leads the way as they move along the wall to the reception area.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. RECEPTION AREA (When he reaches this point, he peers round the corner but then ducks back out of sight and signals to the others to stay back. ZEPHON is still stood in the reception area, watching the distant fires. He moves closer to the corner where the DOCTOR'S party are in hiding. BRET moves towards the DOCTOR, signalling to him to keep back and let him pass. The DOCTOR does so. When ZEPHON is near enough, BRET jumps forward and knocks the alien unconscious with the butt of his gun. ZEPHON falls to the ground with a groaning, gurgling sound. The travellers pull him back out of sight.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. CONFERENCE ROOM (The DALEK SUPREME looks over the galactic delegates at their allotted places in the conference room. He sees the gap in their ranks.) DALEK SUPREME: Where is the master of Zephon? MAVIC CHEN: He will be here... eventually. (The DALEK SUPREME turns and speaks to two waiting DALEKS.) DALEK SUPREME: Search for him! (As the DALEKS glide off, CHEN smiles...) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY (STEVEN and BRET have tied up ZEPHON with vines and creepers from the jungle. STEVEN has caught a glimpse of ZEPHON'S true visage under the hood of the cloak.) STEVEN: What is it? I've never seen anything like this, it's hideous! DOCTOR: Well, obvious or not my boy, it's quite obvious he's one of the representatives, hmm? (Laughs.) BRET VYON: Good job we managed to find these vines - now we can get to the ship. DOCTOR: No, no - not yet, not yet! Not until we find out exactly what the Daleks are planning. And this may be our only chance! BRET VYON: I don't understand? DOCTOR: I am going to that conference STEVEN: Doctor, that's crazy! DOCTOR: Oh... STEVEN: You can't go to their conference! DOCTOR: Why not? (He points at the prone ZEPHON.) DOCTOR: If I wear his cloak, why not? STEVEN: Should they find you, they'll kill you! DOCTOR: Oh, nonsense! You three can take over the spaceship, and I can join you later. KATARINA: Are you sure you will be safe? DOCTOR: Oh yes, now don't worry, my child, don't worry! (He takes BRET to one side.) DOCTOR: Er... (He pulls the recording device that he found in the jungle from his pocket.) DOCTOR: I, er, I found this, and I don't know whether it's relevant or not, but hold onto it safely. BRET VYON: Where did you find it? DOCTOR: Oh, in the jungle. Now I want you... I want you to give me enough time to get to that meeting and find out exactly what's going on. And then I will head back to Chen's spaceship. BRET VYON: How long will that take? DOCTOR: Well, I must leave that to your own judgment. If, of course, you hear any kind of uproar, then you'll have to get into the spaceship and go off without me. BRET VYON: Doctor, we can't leave you... DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) Oh, nonsense, nonsense! Earth must be warned about the Daleks - and about Chen. BRET VYON: (Admiringly.) You're a very brave man. DOCTOR: Rubbish, rubbish, my boy! I'm only doing what has to be done. Now come on and help me on to this cloak. Be quick about it! Come along! (He and BRET move towards ZEPHON.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. CORRIDOR (A DALEK glides along a corridor. It meets another DALEK along the way.) FIRST DALEK: Has the representative Zephon passed this way? SECOND DALEK: He, and the Earth creature, went to the reception area. FIRST DALEK: Has he returned? SECOND DALEK: Only the creature from Earth returned this way. FIRST DALEK: Zephon must still be there. Come with me. He has to be found! (The two DALEKS turn and glide away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. RECEPTION AREA (They glide out into the reception area and immediately come across the DOCTOR, now wearing ZEPHON'S large cloak. The DALEKS are fooled by his disguise.) FIRST DALEK: Representative Zephon, the meeting is about to begin. You will follow me. (The FIRST DALEK turns and glides back into the city. Saying nothing, the DOCTOR follows the DALEK and the SECOND DALEK brings up the rear. As they go out of sight, STEVEN, BRET and KATARINA emerge from hiding from round the corner.) BRET VYON: The old man certainly has got nerve. KATARINA: The strange ones will not hurt him? STEVEN: I hope not. Anyway, he's doing his part, we must do ours. Let's get that ship. (They move off towards the Spar. They pass the prone figure of ZEPHON who regains consciousness for a moment. He starts to move and then lies still again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. CONFERENCE ROOM (The disguised DOCTOR is escorted in by the DALEKS. The other delegates are all in position around the semi-circular raised platform. One of them, TRANTIS, a small hunched figure, speaks in a nasal pitch...) TRANTIS: (Sarcastically.) The master of the Fifth Galaxy has seen fit to join us? DALEK SUPREME: Take your place. (The DOCTOR moves hesitantly over towards the other delegates.) MAVIC CHEN: You seem lost, representative Zephon. Here's your place, next to me. (The DOCTOR goes and stands at the place indicated, keeping his face out of sight.) DALEK SUPREME: This seventh meeting is now in session. Representatives, I have important news. The time destructor is now completed. It only requires the core to be fitted. (The delegates bang the tables in enthusiastic salute. MAVIC CHEN leaves his place and moves to stand next to the DALEK SUPREME.) DALEK SUPREME: Mavic Chen, Guardian of the Solar System, will address the meeting. MAVIC CHEN: As your most recent ally, and the newest member to stand in this great universal council, I am delighted to be able to make so significant a contribution to our conquest of the universe. I now present you with the core of the time destructor. (He holds up a small box.) MAVIC CHEN: A full emm of Taranium, the rarest mineral in the universe. It's taken fifty Earth years to acquire even this amount. (The outspoken TRANTIS speaks up...) TRANTIS: If it has taken so long for the solar system to acquire it, why was not one of us of the outer galaxies asked to provide it? MAVIC CHEN: As the Daleks know, Taranium can only be found on one of the dead planets of the solar system. Without this, the time destructor is useless! All the plans made here could not succeed. I, Mavic Chen, give you the core of the time destructor! (He places the box in front of the DALEK SUPREME.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. RECEPTION AREA (ZEPHON regains full consciousness. He struggles against his bonds of vines and creepers. He spots an emergency alarm on the wall and tries to get to his feet to reach the alarm but only succeeds in falling back against the wall.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. SPAR SHIP (Inside MAVIC CHEN'S Spar ship, two Technix are inside playing a game with a futuristic pack of playing cards. The inside of the craft is a large circular control room, with computer banks and controls around the walls. BRET VYON, STEVEN and KATARINA enter through the airlock. VYON holds his blaster up.) BRET VYON: I'm taking over this spaceship. Over there. (He motions with his blaster, and the Technix obey. VYON turns to STEVEN.) BRET VYON: Tie them up. [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. RECEPTION AREA (ZEPHON edges nearer the alarm...) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. SPAR SHIP (BRET and STEVEN re-enter the ship having placed the bound Technix outside.) KATARINA: The men will not be found? STEVEN: No, not unless the Daleks patrol the landing area. BRET VYON: That's the one place they won't be patrolling. STEVEN: Let's hope not, otherwise it's the end of the Doctor! KATARINA: He must come, he must come! [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY (ZEPHON makes it to the alarm button and manages to press it. An alarm starts to blare out...) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. SPAR SHIP (...and reaches the Spar. The three fugitives look up in horror.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. KEMBEL. DALEK CITY. CONFERENCE ROOM (Inside the conference room, the start of the alarm causes panic...) FIRST DALEK: Locate intruders! Locate intruders! MAVIC CHEN: What's happening? SECOND DALEK: Seal ... THIRD DALEK: Check alarm's location. (The delegates look around in confusion. While everyone's attention is distracted, the DOCTOR runs to the central podium, grabs the Taranium core and runs towards the exit ramp. At the top of it, ZEPHON appears, showing his true visage as a creature with seaweed-like tendrils for a face. A horrified DOCTOR turns and runs towards another exit.) ZEPHON: That's him! Stop him! Stop the creature! Stop the creature! [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. SPAR SHIP (BRET VYON reacts with alarm to the sound of the sirens and the increasing activity from the city.) BRET VYON: We've got to go! STEVEN: We mustn't leave him! (KATARINA mutters to the Trojan Horse-god. The sound of the ship's engines start to rise...) KATARINA: Great One, don't leave us! Don't let the strange beings catch him! BRET VYON: He's been caught! We've got to leave! STEVEN: No! He said we had to... (VYON tries to operate the controls for take-off. STEVEN pulls him away.) BRET VYON: No! (He turns and knocks STEVEN to the floor, then resumes preparations for take-off.) KATARINA: Stop! You can't leave him! He can't reach the place of perfection! BRET VYON: He won't! We're going without him! (BRET activates more controls and the ship starts to power up further...)

In the year 4000, the Daleks conspire to conquer the Solar System. Their scheme involves treachery at the highest levels and a weapon capable of destroying the very fabric of time. Only the Doctor and his friends can prevent catastrophe - and there is no guarantee they will escape with their lives...

fd_Merlin_04x04

fd_Merlin_04x04_0

"In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name...Merlin". DRUIDS' CAVE - Night While the druids are sleeping, a man steals a key. He connects it to what looks like his third part of the key. The two parts matches perfectly. The man turns around and finds the druids all awake. He runs into the woods, but he is pursued. He reaches a cliff and has to stop. The druids are getting closer to him so he grabs one of them and pulls a dagger on his chest. Iseldir: It is not worth anyone's life. Man: Isn't it ? It's cost me 20 years of mine. Iseldir: It is of no use. You will never find the third part of the Triskellian. Man: Ah, but you're wrong. I already know where that bit is. The man shoves his captive at the druids and jumps off the cliff. He rides to Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] OPENING TITLES [SCENE_BREAK] KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - Night Gaius is working late when the man knocks on the door. Merlin wakes up. Gaius answers the door. Man: Hello, Gaius. Surely you remember me ? Gaius: Only too well. Why are you here? Man: Please, I could do with drying myself by your fire. Gaius lets him in. Merlin watches the scene through the interstice of his bedroom door. Gaius: You've a nerve coming back here. You left me in a lot of trouble. Man: Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that. What can I say? Execution didn't really appeal to me. Don't pretend you supported Uther. Gaius: Tell me why you're here. Man: (Showing him the connected two parts of the Triskellion). Save your eyesight Gaius. It's the Triskellion of Ashkanar. Gaius: Are you sure? Man: I'm certain. Gaius: Let me see. (Gaius examines the writing on it). Gaius: It's in a druid tongue. The bind runes are in threes. That's rare. Man: Oh, I can save you the trouble. They guide the bearer to the tomb of Ashkanar. Yes. We both know the legend. We both know what he hid there. Gaius: A dragon's egg. And you have come to steal it. Man: I wouldn't say "steal". Gaius: You're forgetting one thing. You're missing a part of the Triskellian. Man: Oh, no. I know where that bit is. Gaius: Where ? Man (looking down): In the vaults...beneath your feet. Gaius: In Camelot ? Man: Where it has lain safe and secure for the last four hundred years. Gaius: And you want me to help you to get it. Man: We could bring this noble creature back to life. Gaius looks sceptical. Gaius: I want no part of your plan. Man: You don't want to release the last living dragon? Gaius: The old ways should die. Man: That is not what you taught me. Gaius: It's what I feel now. I believe in the King that Arthur will become and the future he will build. Man: Think about it... Gaius: I've given you my answer. Now I think you should leave Camelot sooner rather than later. Arthur may not be his father but he is no friend of the old ways. Gaius opens the door for the man to leave. Man (by the door): You'll find me in the tavern in the lower town. Take your time. Gaius, I know I caused you trouble before, but I'm a changed man. Believe me. Man leaves. Merlin gets out of his room. Merlin: Who was that ? Gaius: Oh, doesn't matter. Merlin: Gaius ! Gaius (sigh): He was a pupil. His name is Julius Borden. Merlin: Why won't you help him ? This is our one chance of saving the dragons, of helping Kilgharrah preserve his kind ! Gaius: Borden is not a man to be trusted. Merlin: You don't think the Triskellion is real ? Gaius: That I have no doubt. Merlin: Then what ? Gaius: His motives, Merlin. Even as a young man he was prone to dishonesty ...who knows what path he is on now. Merlin: You want the egg to remain lost forever ! Gaius: I don't want it to get into Borden's hands. The tomb of Ashkanar has lain untouched for more than 400 years. It is my belief it should remain that way. Now let's get some sleep. We've got a busy day ahead of us tomorrow. FOREST CLEARING - Night Kilgharrah: I never dared dream of such a moment, Merlin. Merlin smiles. Kilgharrah: Until now I believed the egg would never be found. That I would be the last of my kind. Merlin: So the legend is true. Kilgharrah: This is a chance in a thousand, Merlin. You must retrieve the egg. Merlin: I know. Kilgharrah: Then what is the matter ? Merlin: Gaius has forbidden it. Kilgharrah: Merlin ! You are a Dragonlord ! It is a gift passed down from your father. He gave up everything in his life to save me. What do you think he would say ? The egg harbours the last of my kind. I beg you, Merlin, in your father's name, promise me that you will do everything in your power to rescue it. Merlin: You have my promise. LOWER TOWN - Day Merlin is on his way to the tavern. THE RISING SUN - Day Merlin enters Borden's room. There's a lump on the bed in the shape of a body, but Borden jumps out from behind the door and pins Merlin against the wall with a dagger at his throat. Borden: What do you want? Merlin: To help you. Borden: Who are you? Merlin: A friend of Gaius. I heard what you told him. I want to see a dragon's egg. I want to come with you. Borden: Did he send you? Merlin: No. Borden: No? Borden opens the door. Borden: Then get out. Merlin: Please, I know everything about dragons. I've read everything... Borden: Not interested. Go away. Borden shoves Merlin out. Merlin: All right, but you won't get into the vaults without me. Borden (scoffs): And how's a boy like you gonna help ? Merlin: Because I'm the personal servant of King Arthur. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS Merlin tries to steal the key to the vaults while Arthur is sleeping, but Arthur wakes up. King Arthur: What on earth are you doing? Merlin: Looking for woodworm. Merlin pretends to look for woodworm. King Arthur: Before breakfast? Merlin: That is when the worms are most active. King Arthur: Get out. Merlin starts to leave and sees the key on Arthur's belt on the trousers from the day before. Merlin: These need washing. King Arthur: So do these. (Arthur throws some clothes at Merlin). Oh, and Merlin, before you go, I need that belt. Frustrated, Merlin leaves the belt with the key on it. KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - Day Agravaine: We need to strengthen all our outlying defences as Odin's raids prove. But it is the northern borders that are particularly vulnerable. King Arthur: There's always been so, and the reason's obvious. If you look at the terrain here... Merlin's eyes glow and Arthur's trousers drop. Merlin: Allow me to help you, sire. King Arthur: No. No ! Merlin ! (both fall down) Merlin: Your Majesty. King Arthur: Merlin ! Merlin: Majesty ! King Arthur: Get off me ! Merlin: I'm trying to help you, sire ! They get up from the struggle. Arthur pulls up his trousers. Merlin: There we go. Will there be anything else, sire? King Arthur: No ! Merlin backs out with the key in his hand. King Arthur (clears throat): So, the terrain here... KING'S PALACE, TUNNELS - Night Merlin lets Borden in through the outer wall. Borden: I'm beginning to like you, Merlin. They go down the stairs toward the vaults. Merlin stops. Merlin: This is as far as I go. And this key opens the last gate. But you have to get past the guards. Borden (taking the key): That won't be a problem. Borden distracts and then knocks out the guards, enters the vaults and takes the third piece of the Triskellian. He combines the three pieces and then returns to where Merlin is waiting. Merlin: Follow me. They exit and hide by the door to the outer wall. Borden lends the key back to Merlin Borden: Thanks. Merlin: Anytime. Borden: Tell me, Merlin, would you say you're a good liar ? Merlin: Yeah, if I need to be. Borden (knocks Merlin out): You going to need to be. KING'S PALACE, CASTLE WALL - Day Merlin wakes up. He starts to get up and the key drops to the floor. He realises what happened, stands up, locks the door and runs to Arthur's chambers. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - Day Merlin puts back the key to the vaults, but he knocks a goblet onto Arthur's bed. He scrambles over Arthur, stops the cup mid-air with magic, sighs in relief, and grabs it. Arthur wakes and sits up in bed, startled. King Arthur: Merlin ? What are you doing ? Merlin (puts a finger to his lips): Shhh ! (uses the goblet as an amplifier to listen to the bed headrest) I'm listening for woodworm. King Arthur: I'm getting slightly concerned about you. The warning bells ring. King Arthur: The hell is that ? KING'S PALACE, VAULTS Agravaine: The lock hasn't been damaged, which would suggest whoever it was had a key. Gaius (looking at Merlin): Strange. King Arthur: Of all these treasures, this is all they were interested in. What was in here? Gaius: I believe, sire, one third of a Triskellian, a type of key. A key that, according to legend, opens the ancient tomb of Ashkanar. King Arthur: I remember my father talk of such a tomb. It contained a dragon's egg. Gaius: It has been said. King Arthur: You don't believe it to be true? Gaius: Well, it is possible, sire. The wealth and wisdom of Ashkanar are without equal. Agravaine: Is the egg still there? Gaius: I can't be certain. But, to my knowledge, no one has disturbed the tomb for more than four hundred years. King Arthur: But with this Triskellian, someone could. Agravaine: Sire, a dragon's egg can live for a thousand years. Even today, it could still hatch, and another dragon would be born into this world. King Arthur: So, all my father's work to rid the world of these monsters would be undone. Agravaine: That must be our fear. King Arthur: Then we have no choice. We must hunt down this intruder, destroy the egg. KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS Gaius (shouting at Merlin): How could you be so stupid !? What were you thinking !? Merlin: I am a dragon lord. It is my sacred duty to protect the last of the dragons. Gaius: The tomb could've remained closed for another four hundred years and the egg would've been completely safe ! Now Arthur's riding out intent on destroying it ! Merlin: We have to hope that Borden gets there first. Gaius (scoffs): You trust Borden ? You really think he's going to release that dragon ? (scoffs) I fear to think what he intends for the poor creature. Why couldn't you leave things alone !? KING'S PALACE, MAIN SQUARE - Day King Arthur: Hurry up, Merlin ! The knights ride out. Merlin mounts and joins them. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY They ride through the countryside. King Arthur: Same hoof tracks. We must be closing on him. Merlin: Look. Merlin points to a pillar of smoke. Merlin: He made camp. Ya! They ride off. FOREST, BORDEN'S CAMP - Evening Arthur checks the campfire ashes. King Arthur: It's still warm. Sir Elyan: He can't have more than a few hours' lead on us. King Arthur: We need to keep moving. Later, Arthur checks the hillside. King Arthur: Deer tracks. Sir Leon: We lost him ? King Arthur: It's getting too dark to see. We have to find somewhere to hole up for the night. Merlin: But we're so close to him. King Arthur: Unless you can see in the dark, Merlin, there's not much else we can do. FOREST, CAMP - Night Merlin is distributing the stew he has cooked between the knights Sir Leon: Whoa. I'm famished. (Merlin adds another spoonfull). Thank you. Sir Gwaine (grabs Merlin): yeah, I'm hungry as a horse. Merlin adds another spoonful and settles to have whatever is left King Arthur: As a point, Merlin, have you fed them ? Merlin: What ? King Arthur: The horses. Merlin: Well... King Arthur: Come on, they must be starving. Merlin: But... King Arthur: On your toes. Merlin feeds the horses. He senses something, but sees no one. Sir Gwaine: (Handing Merlin an empty plate) Mm. That was lovely, Merlin. Thanks. Sir Percival: (Doing the same) Er, I loved it. Sir Leon: (Doing the same) Me, too. King Arthur: (Doing the same) If you're going to wash those up, wash this, too. (Places cauldron on top of the pile of empty plates) Merlin (ironical): Thanks. King Arthur: Oh, hang on, there's still a bit left. (Eats the last bits at the bottom of the cauldron) Mmm... Mmm... . Merlin: Good, was it ? King Arthur: A little salty, though. Merlin turns to leave and do the washing up Sir Leon: Merlin ! There's another plate here (Shows him a plate with Merlin's share of the food). All laugh. FOREST, CAMP - Night The knights and Merlin are sleeping. Merlin wakes up when he hears a whisper in his mind. Voice (telepathy): Emrys. Emrys. Merlin stands up. Voice (telepathy): Emrys. Merlin follows the sound of the voice through the woods. Voice (telepathy): Emrys. Merlin: Where are you? Voice (telepathy): Emrys. Merlin finds druids in the woods. Among them, Iseldir who lowers his hood. Iseldir: Do not be afraid. We know your quest. Merlin: How ? Iseldir: The man you seek also stole from us. He passed through these woods not three hours before you. Merlin: Which way did he go ? Iseldir: To the east. But you must be wary, Emrys. The legends tell a tale that only the druids know. Merlin: What do they say? Iseldir: Ashkanar was a wise man. He knew one day men would come seeking to disturb his rest. The Triskellian is not just a key. It is also a trap. Merlin: What do you mean? What kind of trap? Iseldir: I do not know. But the legends are very clear, you must beware, Emrys. Merlin starts to head back to camp. Iseldir: Emrys, there is one other thing the legends say. Only when the way ahead seems impossible will you have found it. Merlin leaves. FOREST - DAY The knights sneak through the woods, swords drawn. They enter Borden's camp only to find it abandoned. King Arthur: He must've left in the night. Sir Gwaine: No horse tracks. Sir Leon: He's covered them. Merlin: We had him. We were so close. Merlin walks off purposefully. King Arthur: Where are you going ? We don't even know which way he went. Merlin: He's heading east. King Arthur: How would you know that ? Merlin: Because I can sense it. King Arthur: Sense is not a word I associate with you, Merlin. Elyan finds some horse dung. Sir Elyan: Hang on ! He's right. King Arthur: He can't be. Sir Leon: Well done, Merlin. They all head east. Merlin (to Arthur): Have you ever heard of the word "sorry" ? King Arthur: No. Is that another word you made up ? [SCENE_BREAK] BALINOR'S CAVE - Day King Arthur: It's a dead end. That's it. Let's go back. The knights turn back. Merlin: What about the cave ? King Arthur: We're wasting our time. Sir Percival: Arthur ! Percival points down at a muddy footprint by the water. They enter the cave and draw their swords. They keep going deeper. King Arthur: Merlin, this is ridiculous. Where's he heading? Merlin: There's light ahead. They come to a waterfall. Arthur puts his hand through it and crosses to the other side. They continue on the other side. Sir Gwaine: No wonder no one's ever found it. They walk down a hill towards a giant tower. FOREST - Day They walk down a large trench path towards the tower and Percival gets shot in the leg with an arrow. King Arthur: Take cover! They press their backs into the trench walls. An arrow lands between Arthur's feet. Percival groans in pain. King Arthur: You all right ? Sir Percival: Yeah. An arrow flies next to Percival's head. King Arthur: Where's he firing from ? Arthur turns to Leon. King Arthur: I'll draw fire, get him to safety. Borden shoots at Arthur as he dodges to the other side and Leon helps Percival to his feet so he can take cover against the wall. Merlin sees Borden move on the ridge. Merlin (whisper): Arthur. Merlin directs Arthur's line of vision. Arthur peeks out for a moment, then motions a plan to the knights. Arthur sprints to the other side of the trench. Merlin magic the crossbow out of Borden's hands and smashes it against a tree. Borden runs off. Arthur reaches Borden's former position. King Arthur: What happened ? Where's he gone ? Merlin: Perhaps he ran out of bolts. Arthur sneaks through the woods and the others follow. Merlin dashes past Arthur. King Arthur: Careful ! Merlin stops and slides. Arthur pulls him back. King Arthur: Who knows what he's left lying in wait for us. Merlin: We can go around that. King Arthur: No ! (Arthur grabs Merlin to stop him). He knows we're coming. Merlin: That's a risk we have to take! King Arthur: We'll make camp, continue at dawn. FOREST, CAMPSITE - Day The knights relax while Merlin cooks dinner. Merlin steps away from the cauldron for a moment. Borden shoots something into it with a slingshot. Merlin checks to see that the knights are busy, then tries to serve himself first. Arthur comes over and grabs the plate just as he is about to take a bite. King Arthur: Merlin, can you get some more firewood? Merlin: Well, I was just going to try the soup... King Arthur (eats it): Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. This is good. Guys, you got to try this. The knights head over with their plates and serve themselves. Merlin comes back from collecting firewood to find them all passed out. Merlin: All right, don't tell me...it was too salty. Merlin gets closer and sees they're fast asleep. Gwaine is snoring. Merlin drops the wood loudly, but no one moves. He crouches down to the cauldron. Merlin: Well, if you think I'm doing the washing... Merlin finds the poultice that Borden shot into the soup and sniffs it. He hears Arthur start having trouble breathing. Merlin rushes over to check on him. The knights begin to suffocate either. Merlin places a hand on Arthur's chest. Merlin (whisper): Ic e urhh le in licsare! Arthur takes a full breath and returns to normal. Merlin rushes to Leon next. Merlin (whisper): Ic e urhh le in licsare! FOREST Merlin rushes through the forest in pursuit of Borden. He stops at the tower and sees Borden climbing it. Merlin follows. TOMB OF ASHKANAR Borden arrives at the entrance. The key hole is on the wall. Merlin approaches. Borden puts the key in the hole and turns the lock. Merlin turns the corner and finds him. Merlin: No ! The door opens and Borden looks back at Merlin before entering. As he does, smoke pours into his face from the mouths of gargoyles. Borden coughs and falls to the ground. The smoke floods down towards Merlin who covers his face with his jacket and holds up a hand. Merlin: rosm tohweorfe. The smoke is pushed back and disappears. Merlin crouches down by the unconscious Borden, picks up the torch and continues on. He walks up a few steps to a great hall and smiles as he sees the dragon egg on a pedestal. He approaches and puts down the torch. He touches the dragon egg. Borden: Give it to me ! Borden walks up the steps. Merlin (angry): It's not yours to take. Borden: You give it to me and I will grant you a half-share, Merlin. Merlin: No, it must go free. Borden: Don't be a fool ! Think of the power it could bring us ! The lands we can rule over, the riches. Merlin: I'm not interested in that. Borden: With this dragon at our command, we will live like kings. We will have the freedom and power to do as we wish ! Merlin: Dragons cannot be used like that ! They must be left unshackled, free to roam the earth. Borden: But this is your chance Merlin. Your chance to escape your meaningless life, your worthless existence ! Merlin: It's not my life that is pitiable, it's yours. You've wasted it...for nothing. Borden grabs the torch and threatens Merlin with it. Borden: I pieced together the Triskellian. I found the path that led us here ! The dragon belongs to me ! Now, hand it over ! Merlin: No. Borden (swinging the torch at Merlin): You are not gonna stop me, boy ! Merlin: Dragons are magical creatures ! They belong to no man ! (Falls to the ground) They are for the benefit of all ! Borden (scoffs): What do you know ? You are but a serving boy ! Merlin: I am the last dragonlord (Borden's face falls) and I am warning you...leave this egg alone. Borden tries to strike Merlin with the torch. Merlin blasts him away. Merlin gets up and takes the egg. Borden is still unconscious. The tower begins to collapse. Merlin runs out. He reaches his satchel in the woods and puts the dragon egg in it. The knights run up to him. King Arthur: What the hell happened ? Merlin: The tomb was a trap. He set it off. He never got out. King Arthur: What about the egg? Merlin: (shrugs) It would've perished with him. King Arthur: Are you sure? We need to be certain. Sir Leon: Nothing's going to survive under all that. The tower completely collapses. Merlin glances down at the bag at his feet. KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - Night Merlin and Gaius eat supper. Gaius: Shame about the egg. Merlin: Yes. Gaius: You weren't able to save it ? Merlin (shakes his head): No. Gaius looks at Merlin who keeps himself busy. Merlin looks up and Gaius tilts his head. Merlin starts to grin and Gaius joins in. Merlin gets up and fetches the egg. Merlin: All the jewels, all the treasures, Gaius, nothing compare. (Merlin carefully hands it to Gaius). Gaius: And it was nearly lost because of you. Merlin: I'm sorry, Gaius. I was too quick to act. Gaius: You have to think things through. Ashkanar did exactly that. He had the foresight to conceal this for more than four hundred years. And now (handing the egg back to Merlin), it's down to you, Merlin. For you to decide what you intend to do with it. Merlin: I've thought about that. I'm going to make sure it goes back to where it belongs. FOREST CLEARING - Night Merlin carries the egg through the forest and places it on a tree stump. Kilgharrah flies in and looks down at the dragon egg. Merlin (anxious): Is it still alive? Kilgharrah: It can live for more than a thousand years. Merlin (smiles): So, you are no longer the last of your kind. Kilgharrah (chuckles): It would seem not. Merlin: When will it hatch? Kilgharrah: Young dragons were called into the world by the dragon lords. Only they had the power to summon them from the egg. As the last dragon lord, this solemn duty falls to you, Merlin. Merlin: How do I summon it? Kilgharrah: You must give the dragon a name. Merlin closes his eyes and invokes his Dragonlord powers. Kilgharrah watches carefully. Merlin: Aithusa ! The dragon's egg hatches and a white dragon gurgles. Kilgharrah: A white dragon is, indeed, a rare thing...and fitting. For in the dragon tongue, you named him after the light of the sun. No dragon birth is without meaning. (Merlin smiles and cries as he watches the baby dragon breaking its way out). Sometimes the meaning is hard to see, but this time I believe it is clear. The white dragon bodes well for Albion, for you and Arthur...and for the land that you will build together.

The mysterious Julius Borden arrives in Camelot with news of a magical secret that threatens to change the landscape of the kingdom forever. He has located the final part of the key to the tomb of Ashkanar, an ancient mausoleum which holds a very special treasure: the last remaining dragon's egg. Merlin is understandably drawn in by Borden's news, and promises to help him. But just who is the enigmatic stranger and, more importantly, what does he really want with the egg?

fd_Doctor_Who_03x02

fd_Doctor_Who_03x02_0

EXT. THAMES EMBANKMENT London 1599. Elizabethan London skyline at night, moonlight reflected on the Thames. EXT. ALL HALLOWS STREET A young man is playing a lute as he serenades a woman at a balcony. WIGGINS: # Her face was like a winter's moon that lights the traveller's way. Her smile was like a summer bloom that bursts then fades away. My love is night, my love is day. My love she is my world.# LILITH: Such sweet music shows your blood to be afire. Why wait we on stale custom for consummation? WIGGINS: Oh, yes. Tonight's the night. He heads for the door of the house and is met by Lilith. LILITH (coyly): Would you enter, bold sir? WIGGINS: Oh, I would. INT. WITCHES' HOUSE He enters the dwelling to see it dark with numerous fires burning, sharp instruments hanging from the walls and dried plants. WIGGENS (CONT'D): Lilith, this cannot be the home of one so beautiful. Forgive me, this is foul. LILITH (shushes him): Sshh. Sad words suit not upon a lover's tongue. (Kisses him. When she pulls away, her face is wizened and her teeth, fangs). Your kiss transformed me. He backs away, terrified. LILITH (CONT'D): A suitor should meet his beloved's parents. Mother Doomfinger. An old woman with features similar to Lilith rises from behind him. He turns to face her, gasping. LILITH (CONT'D): And Mother Bloodtide. A second on the ceiling cackles before falling to the floor. They converge upon Wiggins who screams and falls under their attack. Lilith rises and faces the camera. LILITH (CONT'D): Soon at the hour of woven words we shall rise again and this fleeting Earth will perish! She cackles. OPENING CREDITS INT. TARDIS Inside the TARDIS the Doctor turns a wheeled control while Martha holds on to the console to remain steady. MARTHA: But how do you travel in time? What makes it go? THE DOCTOR: Oh, let's take the fun and mystery out of everything. Martha, you don't wanna know. It just does. Hold on tight! He practically climbs onto the console. Martha is knocked to the floor and the Doctor falls off the console. MARTHA (standing): Blimey! Do you have to pass a test to fly this thing? THE DOCTOR: Yes, and I failed it. (Grabs his coat). Now, make the most of it. (Hands her jacket to her). I promised you one trip and one trip only. Outside this door... (stops at door and faces her). Brave new world. MARTHA: Where are we? THE DOCTOR: Take a look. (Opens door). After you. EXT. STREET Martha walks outside and onto an Elizabethan street at night with people milling about. MARTHA: Oh, you are kidding me. You are so kidding me. Oh, my God! We did it. We travelled in time. Where are we? No, sorry. I gotta get used to this whole new language. When are we? The Doctor looks up and pulls her back as from a first floor window and man dumps the contents of a bucket. MAN: Mind the loo! THE DOCTOR: Somewhere before the invention of the toilet. Sorry about that. MARTHA: I've seen worse. I've worked the late night shift at A&E. The Doctor starts to walk away. MARTHA (CONT'D): But are we safe? I mean, can we move around and stuff? THE DOCTOR: Of course we can. Why do you ask? MARTHA: It's like in the films. You step on a butterfly; you change the future of the human race. THE DOCTOR: Well, tell you what then, don't step on any butterflies. What have butterflies ever done to you? They continue walking. MARTHA: What if, I dunno, what if I kill my grandfather? THE DOCTOR: You planning to? MARTHA: No. THE DOCTOR: Well, then. MARTHA: This is London. THE DOCTOR: I think so. Right about 1599. MARTHA: Oh, but hold on. Am I all right? I'm not gonna get carted off as a slave, am I? THE DOCTOR: Why would they do that? MARTHA: Not exactly white, in case you haven't noticed. THE DOCTOR: I'm not even human. Just walk about like you own the place. Works for me. Besides, you'd be surprised. Elizabethan England, not so different from your time. Look over there. (Points). They've got recycling. Aman shovels manure. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Water cooler moment. Two men conversing at a water barrel. They walk past a man preaching about the end of the world. PREACHER: ... and the world will be consumed by flame! THE DOCTOR: Global warming. Oh, yes, and... entertainment! Popular entertainment for the masses. If I'm right, we're just down the river by Southwark right next to... (The Doctor takes her hand and they run around a corner). Oh, yes, the Globe Theatre! Brand new. Just opened. Through, strictly speaking, it's not a globe; it's a tetradecagon, 14 sides, containing the man himself. MARTHA: Whoa, you don't mean... is Shakespeare in there? THE DOCTOR: Oh, yes. (Holds out his arm). Miss Jones, will you accompany me to the theatre? MARTHA (links her arm in his): Yes, Mr. Smith, I will. THE DOCTOR: When you get home, you can tell everyone you've seen Shakespeare. MARTHA: Then I could get sectioned! INT. THE GLOBE THEATRE Packed house, everyone applauding and cheering. Actors onstage taking their bows. MARTHA: That's amazing! Just amazing. It's worth putting up with the smell. And those are men dressed as women, yeah. THE DOCTOR: London never changes. MARTHA: Where's Shakespeare? I wanna see Shakespeare. (Chants with fist in air). Author! Author! The Doctor looks at her. MARTHA (CONT'D): Do people shout that? Do they shout "Author"? Man in crowd by Martha picks up the chant and it soon spreads. THE DOCTOR (looking around): Well... they do now. Shakespeare comes out and takes an exaggerated bow and blows kisses. Audience goes wild and cheers even louder. MARTHA: He's a bit different from his portraits. Lilith sits alone in a box dressed in court finery. She removes a small doll from a pouch. THE DOCTOR: Genius. He's a genius, the genius. The most human Human that's ever been. Now we're gonna hear him speak. Always, he chooses the best words. New, beautiful, brilliant words. SHAKESPEARE: Shut your big fat mouths! The audience laughs. THE DOCTOR (disappointed): Oh, well. MARTHA: You should never meet your heroes. SHAKESPEARE: You have excellent taste! I'll give you that. (Points to man in audience). Oh, that's a wig! LILITH (who's watching on a balcony, twirls her hand about the tuft of hair on the doll): Wind the craft of ancient harm. The time approaches for our charm. SHAKESPEARE: I know what you're all saying. "Loves Labour's Lost", that's a funny ending, isn't it? It just stops! Will the boys get the girls? Well, don't get your hose in a tangle, you'll find out soon. Yeah, yeah. All in good time. You don't rush a genius. He bows. Lilith kisses the doll and Shakespeare jerks upright. SHAKESPEARE (CONT'D): When? Tomorrow night. Audience cheers and Lilith is pleased while the cast is stunned. SHAKESPEARE (CONT'D): The premiere of my brand new play. A sequel, no less, and I call it "Loves Labour's Won"! Audience applauds loudly and the Doctor remains quiet. INT. THE GLOBE THEATRE The Doctor and Martha leave the theatre with the rest of the crowd. MARTHA: I'm not an expert, but I've never heard of "Loves Labour's Won". THE DOCTOR: Exactly, the lost play. It doesn't exist, only in rumours. It's mentioned in lists of his plays but never ever turns up. No one knows why. MARTHA: Have you got a mini-disk or something? We could tape it. We can flog it. Sell it when we get home and make a mint. THE DOCTOR (looks at her): No. MARTHA: That would be bad? THE DOCTOR: Yeah. Yeah. MARTHA: Well, how come it disappeared in the first place? THE DOCTOR: Well, I was just gonna give you a quick little trip in the TARDIS but I suppose we could stay a bit longer. EXT. STREET The street outside the Elephant Inn. Pan up to lit window then go inside. INT. ELEPHANT INN DOLLY BAILEY: Here ya go, Will. Drink up. There's enough beer in this lodgings house to sink the Spanish. She doles out tankards to three men at the table. SHAKESPEARE: Dolly Bailey, you've saved my life. DOLLY BAILEY (flirting): I'll do more than that later tonight. (To maid): And you, girl, hurry up with your tasks. The talk of gentlemen is best not overheard. LILITH (as maid): Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am. DICK: You must be mad, Will. "Loves Labour's Won"? We're not ready. It's supposed to be next week. What made you say that? KEMPE: You haven't even finished it yet. SHAKESPEARE: I've just got the final scene to go. You'll get it by morning. He drinks his beer. THE DOCTOR: Hello! (Knocks on open door). Excuse me! I'm not interrupting, am I? Mr. Shakespeare, isn't it? SHAKESPEARE: Oh no, no, no, no. Who let you in? No autographs. No, you can't have yourself sketched with me. And please don't ask where I get my ideas from. Thanks for the interest. Now be a good boy and shove... (Sees Martha standing behind the Doctor). Hey, nonny nonny. Sit right down here next to me. (To Dick and Kempe): You two get sewing on them costumes. Off you go. DOLLY BAILEY: Come on, lads. I think our William's found his new muse. SHAKESPEARE: Sweet lady. (Martha sits at the table). Such unusual clothes. So... fitted. MARTHA: Um, verily, forsooth, egads. THE DOCTOR: No, no, don't do that. Don't. (Holds out psychic paper to Shakespeare). I'm Sir Doctor of TARDIS and this is my companion, Miss Martha Jones. SHAKESPEARE: Interesting, that bit of paper. It's blank. THE DOCTOR (impressed): Oh, that's... very clever. That proves it. Absolute genius. MARTHA (peers at paper): No, it says so right there. Sir Doctor, Martha Jones. It says so. SHAKESPEARE: And I say it's blank. THE DOCTOR (to Martha): Psychic paper. Um, long story. Oh, I hate starting from scratch. He puts the psychic paper away. SHAKESPEARE: Psychic. Never heard that before and words are my trade. Who are you exactly? More's the point, who is your delicious blackamoor lady? MARTHA: What did you say? SHAKESPEARE: Oops. Isn't that a word we use nowadays? An Ethiop girl? A swarth? A Queen of Afric... MARTHA: I can't believe I'm hearing this. THE DOCTOR: It's political correctness gone mad. Um, Martha's from a far-off land. Freedonia. LYNLEY: Excuse me! (Enters room). Hold hard a moment. This is abominable behaviour. A new play with no warning? I demand to see a script, Mr Shakespeare. As Master of the Revels, every new script must be registered at my office and examined by me before it can be performed. SHAKESPEARE: Tomorrow morning, first thing, I'll send it 'round. LYNLEY: I don't work to your schedule, you work to mine. The script, now! SHAKESPEARE: I can't. LYNLEY: Then tomorrow's performance is cancelled. Lilith slips unnoticed from the room. MARTHA: It's all go, 'round here, isn't it? LYNLEY: I'm returning to my office for a banning order. If it's the last thing I do, "Love's Labours Won" will never be played. He leaves. EXT. ELEPHANT INN Lynley goes down the stairs where he bumps into Lilith. LILITH: Oh, sorry, sir. Beg pardon, sir. Mind you don't hurt that handsome head of yours. She caresses his head. LYNLEY: Hold hard, wanton woman! (softer). I shall return later. As he walks away, Lilith holds up a lock of his hair. INT. ELEPHANT INN, LANDING She runs up to the landing and hiding in a corner where she takes out the doll. LILITH: Oh, my mothers, there's one seeks to stop the performance tomorrow. INT. WITCHES' HOUSE Cut to Doomfinger and Bloodtide. DOOMFINGER: But it must be tomorrow! BLOODTIDE: "Love's Labours Won" must be performed! INT. ELEPHANT INN, LANDING LILITH (wraps Lynley's hair about the doll): Fear not. Chant with me. Water damps the fiercest flame... INT. WITCHES' HOUSE MOTHERS: Drowns down girls and boys the same. EXT. STREET Lynley walks along the street. Lilith holds the doll underwater and he begins to choke. INT. ELEPHANT INN MARTHA: Well, then... mystery solved. That's "Love's Labours Won" over and done with. Thought it might be something more, you know... more mysterious. They hear screaming from outside. EXT. STREET They rush out to the street where Lynley is spitting up water. MARTHA: It's that Lynley bloke. THE DOCTOR: What's wrong with him? Leave it to men. I'm a doctor. He goes to Lynley's side. MARTHA: So am I near enough. INT. ELEPHANT INN, LANDING Lilith takes the doll from the water. INT. WITCHES' HOUSE MOTHERS: Now to halt the vital part. Stab the flesh. INT. ELEPHANT INN, LANDING LILITH (whispers): And stop the heart. (Stabs the doll with a large pin). Eternal sleep is thine. She rips the head off... EXT. STREET Down in the street, Lynley falls to the ground. The Doctor stands and runs to look down the street. MARTHA (listen for heartbeat and breathing): Gotta get the heart going. Mr Lynley, c'mon, can you hear me? You're gonna be all right. She prepares to start mouth-to-mouth as the Doctor returns and water gushes from Lynley's mouth. MARTHA (CONT'D): What the hell is that? THE DOCTOR: I've never seen a death like it. His lungs are full of water, he drowned and then... I dunno, like a blow to the heart, an invisible blow. (Stands and addresses Dolly): Good mistress, this poor fellow has died from a sudden imbalance of the humours. A natural if unfortunate demise. Call a constable and have him taken away. DOLLY BAILEY: Yes, sir. Lilith joins them. LILITH: I'll do it, ma'am. She walks away with a satisfied smirk. The Doctor crouches back down beside the body. MARTHA: And why are you telling them that? THE DOCTOR: This lot still have got one foot in the Dark Ages. If I tell them the truth, they'll panic and think it was witchcraft. MARTHA: Okay, what was it then? THE DOCTOR: Witchcraft. INT. WITCHES' HOUSE Lilith, Bloodtide and Doomfinger are back in the house gathered over a cauldron. MOTHERS: The potion is prepared. Now take it. DOOMFINGER: Magic words for the playwright's fevered mind. BLOODTIDE: Shakespeare will release us. The mind of a genius will unlock the tide of blood. LILITH: Upon this night, the work is done. A muse to pen "Love Labour's Won"! INT. ELEPHANT INN DOLLY BAILEY: I got you a room, Sir Doctor. You and Miss Jones are just across the landing. She leaves. SHAKESPEARE: Poor Lynley. So many strange events. Not least of all, this land of Freedonia where a woman can be a doctor? MARTHA: Where a woman can do what she likes. SHAKESPEARE: And you, Sir Doctor. How can a man so young have eyes so old? THE DOCTOR: I do a lot of reading. SHAKESPEARE: A trite reply. Yeah, that's what I'd do. (To Martha): And you, you look at him like you're surprised he exists. He's as much of a puzzle to you as he is to me. MARTHA: I think we should say good night. She leaves. SHAKESPEARE: I must work. I have a play to complete. But I'll get my answers tomorrow, Doctor, and I'll discover more about you and why this constant performance of yours. THE DOCTOR (at doorway): All the world's a stage. SHAKESPEARE: Hm, I might use that. Good night, Doctor. THE DOCTOR: Nighty-night, Shakespeare. He leaves. INT. ELEPHANT INN, BEDROOM Martha is examining their room when the Doctor enters. MARTHA: It's not exactly five-star, is it? THE DOCTOR: Oh, it'll do. I've seen worse. MARTHA: I haven't even got a toothbrush. THE DOCTOR: Ooh. (Pats pockets and pulls out a brush). Contains Venusian spearmint. MARTHA: So, who's going where? I mean, there's only one bed. THE DOCTOR: We'll manage. C'mon. He flops onto the bed. MARTHA: So, magic and stuff. That's a surprise. It's a little bit "Harry Potter". THE DOCTOR: Wait till you read Book Seven. Oh, I cried. MARTHA: But is it real, though? I mean, witches, black magic and all that, it's real? THE DOCTOR: 'Course it isn't! MARTHA: Well, how am I supposed to know? I've only just started believing in time travel. Give me a break. THE DOCTOR: Looks like witchcraft, but it isn't. Can't be. Are you gonna stand there all night? MARTHA (sits on the bed next to him): Budge up a bit, then. (The Doctor moves over). Sorry, there's not much room. Us two here, same bed. Tongues will wag. THE DOCTOR (oblivious): There's such a thing as psychic energy but a human couldn't channel it like that. Not without a generator the size of Taunton and I think we'd have spotted that. (Turns on side facing Martha). No. There's something I'm missing, Martha. (She lies so they're face-to-face). Something really close, staring me right in the face and I can't see it. Rose would know. A friend of mine, Rose. Right now, she'd say exactly the right thing. (Lies on back breaking the intimate moment). Still, can't be helped. You're a novice, never mind. I'll take you back home tomorrow. MARTHA (miffed): Great! She turns her back on him and blows out the candle. EXT. STREET Lilith watches Shakespeare's window from the street. She levitates and opens the window from outside. INT. ELEPHANT INN, SHAKESPEARE'S ROOM She blows the fumes of the potion towards him as he writes. He inhales and falls unconscious. LILTH (enters room and raises marionette): Bind the mind and take the man. Speed the words to writer's hand. Shakespeare jerks up and, as Lilith moves the puppet's arm, he writes. INT. ELEPHANT INN, BEDROOM In their room, Martha is asleep while the Doctor is wide awake. INT. ELEPHANT INN, SHAKESPEARE'S ROOM Dolly walks in with broom in hand after Lilith is done. DOLLY BAILEY: Will? Finished cleaning just in time for your special treat. (Stops when she sees Lilith). Oh, aye. I'm not the first then. LILITH (turns on her in "witch face"): I'll take that to aid my flight and you shall speak no more this night. She grabs the broom. Dolly screams. INT. ELEPHANT INN, BEDROOM The Doctor jumps up and runs to aid followed by Martha. INT. ELEPHANT INN, SHAKESPEARE'S ROOM Shakespeare wakes with a start when they enter and stop to examine Dolly's body. SHAKESPEARE: Wha'? What was that? Martha runs to the window where she sees the silhouette of a witch on a broom flying in the sky. THE DOCTOR: Her heart gave out. She died of fright. MARTHA: Doctor? THE DOCTOR (joins her at the window): What did you see? MARTHA: A witch. EXT. THAMES EMBANKMENT It is dawn. A cock crows. INT. SHAKESPEARE'S ROOM The Doctor and Martha sit at Shakespeare's desk. SHAKESPEARE: Oh, sweet Dolly Bailey. She sat out three bouts of the plague in this place. We all ran like rats. But what could have scared her so? She had such enormous spirit. THE DOCTOR: "Rage, rage against the dying of the light." SHAKESPEARE: I might use that. THE DOCTOR: You can't. It's someone else's. MARTHA: But the thing is, Lynley drowned on dry land, Dolly died of fright and they were both connected to you. SHAKESPEARE: You're accusing me? MARTHA: No, but I saw a witch, big as you like, flying, cackling away, and you've written about witches. SHAKESPEARE: I have? When was that? THE DOCTOR (low voice): Not, not quite yet. SHAKESPEARE: Peter Streete spoke of witches. MARTHA: Who's Peter Streete? SHAKESPEARE: Our builder. He sketched the plans to the Globe. THE DOCTOR: The architect. Hold on. The architect! The architect! (Slams fist on table). The Globe! Come on! He rushes off, followed by Martha and Shakespeare. INT. THE GLOBE THEATRE The Doctor is in the pit while Martha and Shakespeare are onstage. THE DOCTOR: The columns there, right? 14 sides. I've always wondered but I never asked... tell me, Will, why 14 sides? SHAKESPEARE: It was the shape Peter Streete thought best, that's all. Said it carried the sound well. THE DOCTOR: Why does that ring a bell? 14... MARTHA: There are 14 lines in a sonnet. THE DOCTOR: So there is. Good point. Words and shapes following the same design. (paces). 14 lines, 14 sides, 14 facets...Oh, my head. Tetradecagon... think, think, think! Words, letters, numbers, lines! SHAKESPEARE: This is just a theatre. THE DOCTOR: Oh, but a theatre's magic, isn't it? You should know. Stand on this stage, say the right words with the right emphasis a the right time... Oh, you can make men weep, or cry with joy, change them. You can change people's minds just with words in this place. And if you exaggerate that... MARTHA: It's like you're police box. Small wooden box with all that power inside. THE DOCTOR: Oh. Oh, Martha Jones, I like you. Tell you what, though. Peter Streete would know. Can I talk to him? SHAKESPEARE: You won't get an answer. A month after finishing this place... lost his mind. MARTHA: Why? What happened? SHAKESPEARE: Started raving about witches, hearing voices, babbling. His mind was addled. THE DOCTOR: Where is he now? SHAKESPEARE: Bedlam. MARTHA: What's Bedlam? SHAKESPEARE: Bethlem Hospital. The madhouse. THE DOCTOR: We're gonna go there. Right now. Come on. He heads out. Martha follows as does Shakespeare. SHAKESPEARE: Wait! I'm coming with you. I want to witness this at first hand! Two young actors enter. SHAKESPEARE (CONT'D): Ralph, the last scene as promised. Copy it, hand it round. Learn it. Speak it. Back before curtain up. Remember, kid, project. Eyes and teeth. You never know; the Queen might turn up. (Walks out). As if. She never does. EXT. STREET In the street, Martha and Shakespeare follow the Doctor. SHAKESPEARE: So, tell me of Freedonia, where women can be doctors, writers, actors. MARTHA: This country's ruled by a woman. SHAKESPEARE: Ah, she's royal. That's God's business. Though you are a royal beauty. MARTHA (stops): Whoa, Nelly! I know for a fact you've got a wife in the country. SHAKESPEARE: But Martha, this is Town. THE DOCTOR: Come on. We can all have a good flirt later. SHAKESPEARE: Is that a promise, Doctor? THE DOCTOR: Oh, 57 academics just punched the air. Now move! INT. THE GLOBE THEATRE Inside the globe, Kempe and Dick are onstage reading over the script. DICK: "Loves Labour's Won". I don't think much of sequels. They're never as good as the original. KEMPE: Have you seen this last bit? He must have been dozing off when he wrote that. I don't even know what it means. DICK: Well, that goes for most of his stuff. Ah, but at least it's my speech. Ah, I get centre-stage. (Reads script). The light of Shadmock's hollow moon doth shine on to a point in space betwixt Dravidian shores... A strong gust of wind arises from nowhere. KEMPE: What was that? DICK: Dravidian shores linear 5-9-3-0-1-6... INT. WITCHES' HOUSE DOOMFINGER: A spirit stirs the ether. (Looks in the cauldron to see Kempe onstage). But too soon. Too soon. LILITH: Not to fear, my mothers. It is merely a rehearsal of what's to come. INT. THE GLOBE THEATRE DICK: ... and strikes the fulsome grove of Rexel 4. A dark wraith-like figure appears in front of them. KEMPE: By all the saints, it's a spirit. (Creature shrieks). It's a vile shade. (It comes towards them then dissipates). I think we should never speak of this again else we'll end up in Bedlam ourselves. INT. BETHLEM, CORRIDOR Loud screams and moans sound as the Doctor, Martha and Shakespeare are led through the halls. JAILER: Does my lord, Doctor, wish some entertainment while he waits? I'd whip these madmen. They'll put on a good show for ya. Bandog and Bedlam! THE DOCTOR: No, I don't! JAILER: Wait here, my lords, while I make him decent for the lady. He walks away. MARTHA: So this is what you call a hospital, yeah? Where the patients are whipped to entertain the gentry? And you put your friend in here? SHAKESPEARE: Oh, and it's all so different in Freedonia. MARTHA: But you're clever! Do you honestly think this place is any good? SHAKESPEARE: I've been mad. I've lost my mind. Fear of this place set me right again. It serves its purpose. MARTHA: Mad in what way? THE DOCTOR (softly): You lost your son. SHAKESPEARE: My only boy. The Black Death took him. I wasn't even there. MARTHA: I didn't know. I'm sorry. SHAKESPEARE: It made me question everything. The futility of this fleeting existence. To be or not to be... oh, that's quite good. THE DOCTOR: You should write that down. SHAKESPEARE: Hm, maybe not. A bit pretentious? JAILER (calls): This way, m'lord! They walk down the hall to Peter Streete's cell. INT. BETHLAM, PETER'S CELL And the jailer unlocks the door. JAILER: They can be dangerous, m'lord. Don't know their own strength. THE DOCTOR: I think it helps if you don't whip them! Now get out! The jailer leaves and the Doctor approaches Peter slowly. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Peter? Peter Streete? SHAKESPEARE: He's the same as he was. You'll get nothing out of him. THE DOCTOR (lays a hand on Peter's shoulder): Peter? Peter's head jerks up and he looks at the Doctor with wild, glassy eyes and seems like he wants to speak. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WITCHES' HOUSE In the witches' house, Lilith pauses, sensing something wrong. LILITH: What is this? I must see. (Looks into the cauldron and sees the Doctor with Peter). That stranger, he was at the inn with Shakespeare. I thought then he smelt of something new. BLOODTIDE: Now he visits the madhouse. The architect! INT. BETHLAM, PETER'S CELL THE DOCTOR (places his fingertips along Peter's face): Peter, I'm the Doctor. Go into the past, one year ago. Let your mind go back, back to when everything was fine and shining. Everything that happened in this year since happened to somebody else. It was just a story. A winter's tale. Let go. Listen. That's it, just let go. (Lies Peter down on his cot). Tell me the story, Peter. Tell me about the witches. INT. WITCHES' HOUSE LILITH: Who is this Doctor? Why does he come now at our time of glory? Doomfinger, transport yourself. Doom the Doctor. Doom his hide. INT. BETHLAM, PETER'S CELL PETER: Witches spoke to Peter. In the night, they whispered. Got Peter to build the Globe to their design. Their design! The 14 walls, always 14. When the work was done (laughs) they sapped poor Peter's wits. THE DOCTOR: Where did Peter see the witches? Where in the city? (Crouches beside Peter). Peter, tell me. You've got to tell me where were they? PETER: All Hallows Street. DOOMFINGER (appears beside the Doctor): Too many words. The Doctor goes to stand beside Martha. MARTHA: What the hell? DOOMFINGER: Just one touch of the heart. She lays her hand on Peter's chest. THE DOCTOR: Noooo! !! PETER: Ahhhhh! Peter dies. SHAKESPEARE: Witch! I'm seeing a witch! DOOMFINGER: Who would be next, hmm? Just one touch. INT. WITCHES' HOUSE Lilith and Bloodtide cackle as they watch. INT. BETHLAM, PETER'S CELL DOOMFINGER: Oh, oh, I'll stop your frantic hearts. Poor, fragile mortals. MARTHA (shouts at door): Let us out! Let us out! THE DOCTOR: That's not gonna work. The whole building's shouting that. DOOMFINGER: Who will die first, hmm? THE DOCTOR: Well, if you're looking for volunteers. He walks towards Doomfinger. MARTHA: No! Don't! SHAKESPEARE: Doctor, can you stop her? DOOMFINGER: No mortal has power over me. THE DOCTOR: Oh, but there's a power in words. If I can find the right one, if I can just know you... DOOMFINGER: None on Earth has knowledge of us. THE DOCTOR: Then it's a good thing I'm here. Now think, think, think... Humanoid female, uses shapes and words to channel energy... ah, 14! That's it! 14! The 14 stars of the Rexel planetary configuration! Creature, I name you Carrionite! Doomfinger wails and disappears. MARTHA: What did you do? THE DOCTOR: I named her. The power of a name. That's old magic. MARTHA: But there's no such thing as magic. THE DOCTOR: Well, it's just a different sort of science. You lot, you chose mathematics. Given the right string of numbers, the right equation, you can split the atom. Carrionites use words instead. SHAKESPEARE: Use them for what? THE DOCTOR: The end of the world. INT. WITCHES' HOUSE DOOMFINGER (returns wheezing): He knows us! He spoke our name! LILITH: Then he will know death. He will perish at my hand. My mothers, the time approaches. You must away to the Globe. Go! I will join you. As soon as this Doctor screams his last. INT. SHAKESPEARE'S ROOM THE DOCTOR: The Carrionites disappeared way back at the dawn of the universe. Nobody was sure if they were real or legend. SHAKESPEARE: Well, I'm going for real. MARTHA: But what do they want? THE DOCTOR: A new empire on Earth. A world of bones and blood and witchcraft. MARTHA: But how? THE DOCTOR: I'm looking at the man with the words. SHAKESPEARE: Me? But I've done nothing. MARTHA: Hold on, though. What were you doing last night, when that Carrionite was in the room? SHAKESPEARE: Finishing the play. THE DOCTOR: What happens on the last page? SHAKESPEARE: The boys get the girls. They have a bit of a dance. It's all as funny and thought provoking as usual, except those last few lines. Funny thing is... I don't actually remember writing them. THE DOCTOR: That's it. They used you. They gave you the final words. Like a spell, like a code. "Love's Labours Won", it's a weapon! The right combination of words, spoken at the right place with the shape of the Globe as an energy converter! The play's the thing! And yes, you can have that. INT. THE GLOBE THEATRE An opening fanfare and Dick steps out in costume. DICK: We left the lovers of Navarre by cruel chance separated, none to claim his heart, their labour's lost. Now will they find Love's Labour's Won?! Audience cheers and applauds. We see Bloodtide and Doomfinger watching. INT. SHAKESPEARE'S ROOM THE DOCTOR (looking at map): All Hallows Street. There it is. Martha, we'll track them down. Will, you get to the Globe. Whatever you do, stop that play! SHAKESPEARE: I'll do it. (Shakes the Doctor's hand). All these years I've been the cleverest man around. Next to you, I know nothing. MARTHA: Oh, don't complain. SHAKESPEARE: I'm not. It's marvellous. Good luck, Doctor. THE DOCTOR: Good luck, Shakespeare. (Heads for door). Once more unto the breach! SHAKESPEARE: I like that. Wait a minute... that's one of mine. THE DOCTOR (pokes his head around door): Oh, just shift! INT. THE GLOBE THEATRE The actors are on stage, Dick cradling a dying Kempe. DICK: The eye should have contentment where it rests. This spun-out year I watch on, groaning sick... Fades as we see the Carrionites in their box holding a small crystal ball, glowing with a blue light. BLOODTIDE: Patience, my sisters. Patience. DICK: Mewling poor drooped men in stenched beds... Shakespeare bursts through the door onstage. SHAKESPEARE: Stop the play! I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but stop. This performance must end immediately! DICK (mutters): Everyone's a critic. BLOODTIDE: The wordsmith! DOOMFINGER: Fear not. I have the doll. She takes out the doll they use to control Shakespeare. SHAKESPEARE: I'm sorry. You'll get a refund. (Audience boos). But this play must not be performed! Doomfinger knocks the doll with her hand and Shakespeare falls unconscious to the stage. KEMPE (whispers): Is he drunk or what? DICK (hoarse whisper): Get him off the stage! Audience laughs and Shakespeare is carried off by other actors. KEMPE (standing): You must forgive our irksome Will. He's been on the beer and feeling ill. DOOMFINGER: There is naught can stop us now. EXT. ALL HALLOWS TREET THE DOCTOR: All Hallows Street, but which house? MARTHA: The thing is, though... am I missing something here? The world didn't end in 1599. It just didn't. Look at me, I'm living proof. THE DOCTOR: Oh, how to explain the mechanics of the infinite temporal flux? I know! "Back to the Future"! It's like "Back to the Future"! MARTHA: The film? THE DOCTOR: No, the novelisation. Yes, the film. Marty McFly goes back and changes history. MARTHA: And he starts fading away. (Realises). Oh my God, am I gonna fade? THE DOCTOR: You and the entire future of the human race. It ends right now in 1599 if we don't stop it. But which house? The door to Lilith's house slowly opens. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Ah, make that witch house. INT. WITCHES' HOUSE They walk inside where Lilith is waiting. THE DOCTOR: I take it we're expected. LILITH: Oh, I think Death has been waiting for you a very long time. MARTHA: Right then, it's my turn. (Steps forward). I know how to do this. (Points). I name thee, Carrionite! Lilith is unaffected. MARTHA (CONT'D): What did I do wrong? Was it the finger? LILITH: The power of a name works only once. Observe. (Points at Martha). I gaze upon this bag of bones and now I name thee Martha Jones. Martha collapses and the Doctor lowers her to the ground. THE DOCTOR: What have you done? LILITH: Only sleeping, alas. Curious, the name has less impact. She's somehow out of her time. And as for you, Sir Doctor! (Points, expecting a reaction) Fascinating. There is no name. Why would a man hide his title in such despair? Oh, but look. There's still one word with the power that aches. THE DOCTOR: The naming won't work on me. LILITH: But your heart grows cold. The north wind blows and carries down the distant... Rose. THE DOCTOR (stands): Oh, big mistake 'cos that name keeps me fighting! The Carrionites vanished! Where did you go? LILITH: The Eternals found the right word to banish us into deep darkness. THE DOCTOR: And how did you escape? LILITH: New words. New and glittering from a mind like no other. THE DOCTOR: Shakespeare. LILITH: His son perished. The grief of a genius. Grief without measure. Madness enough to allow us entrance. THE DOCTOR: How many of you? LILITH: Just the three. But the play tonight shall restore the rest. Then the human race will be purged as pestilence. And from this world we will lead the universe back to the old ways of blood and magic. THE DOCTOR: Hmm... busy schedule... but first you gotta get past me. Stands face-to-face with Lilith. LILITH (seductively): Oh, that should be a pleasure considering my enemy has such a handsome shape. She runs her fingers along his face. THE DOCTOR: Now, that's one form of magic that's definitely not gonna work on me. LILITH: Oh, we'll see. She yanks a lock of hair from his head and backs away. THE DOCTOR (fingers head): What did you do? LILITH: Souvenir. THE DOCTOR: Well, give it back! Lilith throws up arms and the window behind her opens and she flies out backwards, levitating outside. THE DOCTOR (at windowsill): Well, that's just cheating. LILITH: Behold, Doctor. Men to Carrionites are nothing but puppets. She pulls out a doll and wraps his hair about it. Martha wakes slowly. THE DOCTOR: Now, you might call that magic... I'd call that a DNA replication module. LILITH: What use is your science now? She stabs the doll. The Doctor lets out a cry and falls to the floor as Lilith cackles and flies away. Martha rushes to the Doctor. MARTHA: Oh my God! Doctor! Don't worry, I've got you. (Rolls him onto his back and listens for a heartbeat). Hold on, mister. Two hearts? THE DOCTOR: You're making a habit of this. (Stands and nearly falls). Aahh! (Martha supports him). I've only got one heart working. How do you people cope? I've got to get the other one started. Hit me! Hit me on the chest! (She hits him). Aahh! Other side! (She hits him again). On the back! On the back! (She does). Left a bit! (Again). Ahh, lovely. (Stands). There we go! Ba-da-boom! Well, what are you standing there for? Come one! The Globe! He rushes out followed by Martha. INT. THE GLOBE THEATRE Lilith joins the others in the box. DOOMFINGER: The Doctor? LILITH: Dead. DICK (onstage): The ladies have prepared a show. Maria means to present Isis descending from the dewy orb of Heaven. Kempe enters. DICK (CONT'D): Ah, here comes Costard. KEMPE (bows): Masters! EXT. STREET Martha and the Doctor run through the streets. MARTHA: We're going the wrong way! THE DOCTOR: No, we're not! Running down a different street. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): We're going the wrong way! They run back the way they came. INT. THE GLOBE THEATRE Dick and Kempe are acting onstage, beginning the final speech. DICK: Behold the swainish sight of woman's love. Pish! It's out of season to be heavy disposed. LILITH: It is now, my mothers. The final words to activate the tetradecagon. DICK: Betwixt Dravidian shores and Linear 5-9-3-0-1-6-7.02 and strikes the fulsome grove of Rexel 4. Co-radiating crystal, activate! LILITH: The portal opens! It begins! The Carrionites cackle. EXT. STREET Running in the streets, the Doctor and Martha hear screaming and see a red glow of energy pouring from the Globe. The preacher from when they first arrived is there. PREACHER: I told thee so! I told thee! THE DOCTOR: Stage door! The Doctor rushes off. Thunderclouds and lightening form over the Globe mixing with the red glow. INT. THE GLOBE THEATRE The audience tries to leave but the doors bang shut. INT. THE GLOBE THEATRE, BACKSTAGE The Doctor and Martha burst in backstage to see Shakespeare nursing his head. THE DOCTOR: Stop the play! I think that was it. Yeah, I said, "Stop the play"! SHAKESPEARE: I hit my head. THE DOCTOR: Yeah, don't rub it, you'll go bald. (Hears screams from out front). I think that's my cue! He runs out. Martha grabs Shakespeare's hand and they follow. INT. THE GLOBE THEATRE CARRIONITES: Now begins the millennium of blood! They cackle. The Doctor runs onstage with Martha and Shakespeare behind him. LILITH: The Doctor! He lives! Then watch this world become a blasted heath! They come! They come! The remaining Carrionites freed from the crystal fly about the Globe. THE DOCTOR (grabs Shakespeare): Come on, Will! History needs you! SHAKESPEARE: But what can I do? THE DOCTOR: Reverse it! SHAKESPEARE: How am I supposed to do that? THE DOCTOR: The shape of the Globe gives words power, but you're the wordsmith, the one true genius. The only man clever enough to do it! SHAKESPEARE: But what words? I have none ready! THE DOCTOR: You're William Shakespeare! SHAKESPEARE: But these Carrionite phrases, the need such precision! THE DOCTOR: Trust yourself. When you're locked away in your room, the words just come, don't they? Like magic. Words of the right sound, the right shape, the right rhythm, words that last forever! That's what you do, Will! You choose perfect words. Do it. Improvise! SHAKESPEARE: Close up this den of hateful, dire decay! Decomposition of your witches' plot! You thieve my brains, consider me your toy. My doting Doctor tells me I am not! LILITH: No! Words of power! SHAKESPEARE: Foul Carrionite spectres, cease your show! Between the points... He looks to the Doctor. THE DOCTOR: 7-6-1-3-9-0! SHAKESPEARE: 7-6-1-3-9-0! And banished like a tinker's cuss, I say to thee... Again, looks to the Doctor who is at a loss. MARTHA: Expelliarmus! THE DOCTOR: Expelliarmus! SHAKESPEARE: Expelliarmus! THE DOCTOR: Good old JK! The Carrionites scream. LILITH: The deep darkness! They are consumed! Ahhh! The wraith-like carrionites get sucked up into the cloud, tornado fashion, as do all copies of the play. THE DOCTOR: "Love's Labours Won". There it goes. The cloud dissipates and the audience sighs in relief then begins applauding. The Doctor ducks out as actors take their bows. MARTHA: They think it was all special effects. SHAKESPEARE: Your effect is special indeed. MARTHA: It's not your best line. Martha and Shakespeare take their bows as well. The Doctor goes to Lilith's box where he finds the crystal within which the three are trapped. He takes it with him. INT. THE GLOBE THEATRE Next Morning at the Globe. Martha and Shakespeare are sitting at the edge of the stage. SHAKESPEARE: And I say, a heart for a hart and a dear for a deer. MARTHA: I don't get it. SHAKESPEARE: Then give me a joke from Freedonia. MARTHA: OK, Shakespeare walks into a pub and the landlord says "oi, mate, you're bard". SHAKESPEARE: It's brilliant! Doesn't make sense, mind you, but never mind that. (Wraps his hand about her waist). Come here. MARTHA: I've only just met you. SHAKESPEARE: The Doctor might never kiss you. Why not entertain a man who will? MARTHA: I don't know how to tell you this, oh great genius, but your breath doesn't half stink. The Doctor emerges from backstage wearing a ruff collar and carrying an animal skull. THE DOCTOR: Good props store back there! I'm not sure about this though (Looks at skull). Reminds me of a Sycorax. SHAKESPEARE: Sycorax. Nice word. I'll have that off you as well. THE DOCTOR: I should be on 10%. How's your head? SHAKESPEARE: Still aching. THE DOCTOR: Here, I got you this. (Removes collar and puts it on Shakespeare's neck). Neck brace. Wear that for a few days till it's better, although you might wanna keep it. It suits you. MARTHA: What about the play? THE DOCTOR: Gone. I looked all over, every single copy of "Love's Labours' Won" went up in the sky. SHAKESPEARE: My lost masterpiece. MARTHA: You could write it up again. THE DOCTOR: Yeah, better not, Will. There's still power in those words. Maybe it should best stay forgotten. SHAKESPEARE: Oh, but I've got new ideas. Perhaps it's time I wrote about fathers and sons. In memory of my boy, my precious Hamnet. MARTHA: Hamnet? SHAKESPEARE: That's him. MARTHA: Ham-net? SHAKESPEARE: What's wrong with that? THE DOCTOR: Anyway, time we were off. I've got a nice attic in the TARDIS where this lot (holds crystal) can scream for all eternity and I've gotta take Martha back to Freedonia. SHAKESPEARE: You mean travel on through time and space. THE DOCTOR: You what? SHAKESPEARE: You're from another world like the Carrionites and Martha is from the future. It's not hard to work out. THE DOCTOR: That's... incredible. You are incredible. SHAKESPEARE: We're alike in many ways, Doctor. Martha, let me say goodbye to you in a new verse. A sonnet for my Dark Lady. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate... KEMPE (calls): Will! Will! You'll never believe it! She's here! She's turned up! DICK: We're the talk of the town. She heard about last night! She wants us to perform it again. MARTHA: Who? DICK: Her Majesty! She's here! Fanfare as Elizabeth I enters. THE DOCTOR (excited): Queen Elizabeth I! ELIZABETH: Doctor! THE DOCTOR: What? ELIZABETH: My sworn enemy! THE DOCTOR: What? ELIZABETH: Off with his head! THE DOCTOR: What? MARTHA: Never mind "what", just run! See you, Will! And thanks! Martha and the Doctor run off. ELIZABETH: Stop that pernicious Doctor! Shakespeare laughs. EXT. STREET Martha and the Doctor run through the streets to the TARDIS. SOLDIER: Stop in the name of the Queen! MARTHA: What have you done to upset her?! THE DOCTOR: How should I know? Haven't even met her yet. That's time travel for you! Still, can't wait to find out. (Unlocks the TARDIS and Martha runs in). That's something to look forward to. Oh! He ducks inside as archers fire, embedding an arrow in the door. The TARDIS dematerialises.

The Doctor and Martha land around Southwark in 1599, where they discover that William Shakespeare is under the spell of witch-like aliens known as Carrionites who are forcing him to finish Love's Labour's Won using a poppet . The Doctor learns that they are using the powerful words of the play to bring back their imprisoned species; the words spoken by the actors are instructions which open a portal. The Doctor tries and fails to get Shakespeare to stop the play's performance at the Globe Theatre . When the Carrionites start coming through the portal, the Doctor convinces Shakespeare to use his own powerful gift of words to close the portal. The closing of the portal brings all of the copies of Shakespeare's lost play with the Carrionites.

fd_Frasier_04x16

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Act One Scene One - Radio Station. Frasier is sat at his desk on the phone Frasier: [into phone] My eight year-old son is visiting me this weekend, he asked specifically if I could arrange a tour of the Microsoft complex, I was wondering what's your policy on... [pause] I'm sorry to hear that. [pause] You know, I don't often trade on my celebrity status, but does the name Frasier Crane mean anything to you? [pause] I'm sorry to hear that. Well, erm, you know, it's entirely possible that one day a relative of yours may wish to tour my workplace... [pause] It's a radio station! Forget it! [hangs up] Roz and Bulldog enter dressed in dirty KACL baseball shirts. Roz: If we'd even been close, that would be one thing, but I beat that pack by a mile! A mile! Bulldog: Calm down, slugger, it's all right. Roz: A mile! Frasier: I take it you lost the game. Bulldog: No, we won the game, but Roz got kicked out for arguing with the ump! She kicked dirt on his shoes, chest-butted him, almost took a bite out of his finger when he stuck it in her face. You can't coach that kind of thing. Roz: All right, the guy on second, one guy's out, I drive one to the gap. The throw-the-cop man is late, our guy stays at home and I try to stretch it to a double. I make a beautiful hook slide right into the tag. How can I be out?! Frasier: I'm still trying to understand why you drove to the Gap in the middle of the game! Bulldog: I gotta go work on the line-up for Saturday's game. You know, I love being in charge. Roz: Oh, can I play second base? Bulldog: Er, no, sorry, Liz Budner's playing second. Roz: Liz Budner?! Why? What can she do that I can't? Bulldog: It's what she will do that you won't! Bulldog exits as Frasier follows Roz into her booth. Frasier: Oh, Roz, erm, listen, didn't you used to date some executive at Microsoft? Roz: Oh, [in horror] Scott Blankman! Ugh, talk about your messy break-ups. Even after I dumped the guy, he kept calling me. At first he'd make excuses - "Oh sorry, I hit the wrong button on my speed dial" - and then he just gave up the pretense and there'd be sobbing on the other end of the line! I finally said, "Scott, I never, ever want to talk to you again!" Why do you ask? Frasier: I'd like you to give him a call. Roz: What?! Frasier: Well, Frederick's coming to visit me this week. The only thing he asked for was a tour of Microsoft, and I sort of already, well, promised that I could arrange it for him. Roz: Frasier, you're asking me to call a man who camped outside my apartment building and held a big sign up that said, "Roz Doyle is afraid to love!" Frasier: I understand. I thought you'd be more sympathetic, that's all. Roz: I can't. Roz picks up her clipboard and studies it. Frasier starts to leave the booth, but pauses at the door. Frasier: I do recall a story you told me not long ago, about a young girl living in Wisconsin who wanted desperately for her mother to drive her to Chicago to see Bobby Sherman open a shopping mall. [Roz realizes] But her mother was just too busy. And so what did that little girl do that night? She cried herself to sleep on her little Bobby Sherman pillow. Roz: [picks up phone, to Frasier:] I hate you! She dials as Frasier exits with a satisfied smile. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. The doorbell sounds. Frasier opens the door to Niles. Frasier: Niles. Niles: Good morning, Frasier. Is Frederick up yet? Frasier: Actually he went out with his grandfather for an early morning walk. Niles: I went through some of my old albums this morning and found a few photos of us when we were Frederick's age. Frasier: Oh, Lord. Niles: I thought he might find them amusing. Niles hands them over and he laughs. Niles: Oh here, there we are, all dressed up for our first cub scout hike! Frasier: And the last! Niles: Yes, well, we didn't exactly endear ourselves to the pack. All the other kids had those knapsacks, we showed up with those monogrammed train cases. Frasier: [looking at photo] Niles, refresh my memory. Why are we wearing plastic snouts and a tiny little wading pool around our waists? Niles: Oh, you've forgotten. That Halloween we went as "The Bay of Pigs." Frasier: Ah! Yes, as I recall nobody got it. We finally had to take to telling that we were "Swine Lake." They didn't get that either. That was a long evening. Niles: So, what do you have in store for Frederick this visit? Frasier: Well, we're going to go whale-watching, to the planetarium and Roz is helping me arrange a tour of Microsoft. It's the one thing that Freddie's specifically requested. Niles: Someone's making a run for "Dad of the Year." Frasier: Yes, well, you know how it is. I don't get to see him as often as I'd like. Memories of this trip will have to last until the next one. Can you blame me for wanting it to be perfect? Martin and Freddie enter with Eddie. Freddie: Hi, Dad. Frasier: Oh, hello, Freddie. Freddie: Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story of how he captured four bank robbers with just a nightstick? Frasier: No. He did tell me how he captured two bank robbers with just a revolver, his partner and a S.W.A.T. team. Martin: They got there later! Freddie: Hello, Uncle Niles. Niles: Hello, Frederick. My, aren't you getting big. Freddie: I'm the same exact size I was the last time you saw me. Niles: Well, your mother's cooking will do that for a growing boy! Freddie: Are we going to Microsoft today? Frasier: Well, actually, Freddie, I thought we'd, er, go by the radio station, I could show you where I work. That'll be fun, won't it? Freddie: Yes. When are we going to Microsoft? Frasier: Well... Saturday. Freddie: Excellent. Daphne enters from her room. Daphne: Oh, good morning, Dr. Crane. Niles: Good morning, Daphne. Freddie: [smitten] Hi, Daphne. Daphne: Hello, Frederick. Martin: Hey, Freddie, tell your dad what you saw in the park today. Freddie: [smitten] Hi, Daphne. Daphne: Frederick's my boyfriend. Niles: [covers jealousy with a laugh] Oh, really? Freddie: I've a present for you, wait here. Freddie exits. Martin: How cute, he's got a crush on you. Frasier: Yes, you should have seen him last night. He spent the entire evening sitting on Daphne's lap watching TV. Niles: [laughs a little to cover jealousy] Really? Daphne: And this morning I heard this soft little knocking at my door and it was Frederick asking if he could climb into bed with me. Niles: [jealous] Really? Freddie enters with a drawing. Freddie: This is for you. Daphne: Oh, isn't this lovely? Look, here's Frederick and here I am. And what are we doing? Freddie: Getting married. Niles: [spite] Really?! [slams photos down onto table] Daphne: Well, come on, Frederick. Let's go hang this on the fridge. Freddie: Okay. Freddie and Daphne exit to the kitchen. Niles: Frasier, do you really think it's healthy for a little boy to be so obsessed with a woman he can't possibly have?! Frasier: Niles, have you actually sunk so low as to be jealous of him? Niles: No, I'm not jealous, I'm just a bit, well... maybe envious. Martin: That's ridiculous! What have you got to be envious of? Daphne: [o.s] Hold on! Daphne runs back and forth through the room with Freddie clung to her having a fun piggyback ride. Freddie: Wheeeee! Niles looks on in anger. [SCENE_BREAK] WHO DELIVERED THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS? Scene Three - Radio Station. Frederick enters with Frasier. Frasier: And this is the booth where it all happens. Freddie: Very impressive! Frasier: Well, this is the talk-back button here, if I want to talk to Roz, and this is the cough button if I want to mute the mike. Oh, and this button here's very special. It sends a death ray shooting from the phone of any caller who annoys me. Freddie: You wish. Frasier: Yes, I do. Bulldog and Roz enter. Roz is on crutches. Freddie is facing the control panel and so the two don't notice him when they enter Frasier: Well, okay, Roz, what have we done to ourselves today? Roz: Well, we went out last night to celebrate our big win. I had a few margaritas. Someone started a conga line, I wasn't going to get in it but then Gary, our shortstop, got on the end of the line and that man has a butt that makes you want to reach out with both hands and... [Frasier spins Frederick round to face Roz] Give Freddie a big Seattle hug! Freddie: [hugs her, then:] Good save, Roz. Roz: Thank you. Frasier: Freddie, I don't believe you've met Bulldog. Bulldog: Hey, kid. Freddie: Why are you called Bulldog? Bulldog: Er, people have just always called me that. Freddie: But why? Bulldog: I don't know... Frasier: Well, all right, Bulldog, er, Roz and I have a show to prepare... Bulldog: [interrupts] No, no, wait a minute, this is important. Why do people call me Bulldog? There has to be a reason. [a woman enters to pick up some papers, Bulldog barks at her and she runs out] This is gonna drive me nuts! Roz: So who's going to sub for me in the game on Saturday, we've got to have a ninth body out there or we forfeit. Bulldog: All right, er.... How about Mindy Guffrey? Roz: Eight months pregnant. Bulldog: [worried, counts:] July, August, September, October, November, December, January... [smiles relieved] Roz: Anyway, you'd better find somebody else and speaking of bad news, Frasier, I finally got a call from Scott Blancman... Frasier: Oh, Roz... Freddie, why don't you talk to Bulldog for a minute, I have to discuss something with Roz. Freddie: Okay. Bulldog: Yeah, no problem. Frasier and Roz exit to her booth to chat. Bulldog: Oh, hey, hey, in a little while, I'm going to bring in my cart. You can hit the gong. Freddie: Why? Bulldog: It's loud, I make a lot of loud noises on my show. Freddie: Why? Bulldog: I don't know. Boy, I'm starting to get a headache. Freddie: If you need a softball player, why don't you use my dad? Bulldog: Oh, yeah, right. [laughs] Freddie: Isn't he good? Bulldog: [realises, acts] Oh, yeah, yeah, he's great, he is the best, you know. I wish he could play but I think your dad's busy Saturday. Freddie: He's taking me to Microsoft. Bulldog: Yep, yeah, right. Oh, man, I wish he could play because if he were playing we'd win for sure. Meanwhile Roz and Frasier are chatting. Roz: I'm sorry, Frasier, that's all I can do. Scott quit Microsoft right after we broke up. Frasier: I don't look forward to telling Frederick. He'll be so disappointed. Roz: Well, you know, if you want the tour of a cemetary, I've got an aunt there now. Meanwhile, Freddie quizzes Bulldog. Bulldog: I don't know, I give up. Freddie: Abraham Lincoln! What school did you go to?! Frasier enters. Frasier: Frederick. Freddie: Dad, I don't want to go to Microsoft anymore. Frasier: You... don't? Bulldog: Oh, hey, yes he does. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Hey, what kind of boy wouldn't want to spend a day at Microsoft? Frasier: Stay out of this. [pause] Freddie... Frederick, you know, this is your vacation, you're the boss. Whatever you say goes. Freddie: Great, I want to see you play in the softball team. Frasier: What?! Freddie: You could take Roz's place. Frasier: Well, I... You know, as much as I'd love to play softball, I really don't think that Bulldog wants me to. Freddie: Yes, he does. He said you were the best. Right? Bulldog: [through gritted teeth] That's what I said. Frasier: Well, thank you, Bulldog. Freddie: So, you'll play? Frasier: Well, I don't see how I can refuse. Freddie: Great, I can't wait to tell Daphne. Frasier: Oh, yes, well, speaking of Daphne. While you're waiting for Daphne, why don't you go out, get yourself a candy bar out of the machine. Freddie: Mommy says candy rots tooth enamel. Frasier: Yes, well, chew on the side of your mouth, rot your baby teeth. Frederick exits. Frasier: Bulldog, what the hell do you think you're doing, telling him I'm a good softball player? Bulldog: Hey, I was trying to be nice. You want me to tell him you're a big lame-o? Frasier: No, I don't. Bulldog: Hey, look, I know how tough it is when you're a kid and you find out you're dad's not as great as you thought. Look, I was about Frederick's age when, well, I came home, my mom was out and I caught my dad with another woman. Frasier: Oh, Bulldog, I'm sorry. Bulldog: No, no, wait, you haven't heard the bad part yet! She was ugly, doc. I mean coyote ugly. My own dad. And the best excuse he could come up with was, "Hey, you don't look at the mail when you're poking the fire!" [pause] Hey, I just got that! [laughs and exits] End of Act One Act Two Scene One - Caf Nervosa. Niles and Frasier are discussing recent events on the window seat. Frasier: I just keep thinking back to that time when Dad made us try Little League. I will never forget the humiliation of getting up to bat for the first time in my life and hearing the other team all cry out, "Move in, everybody. Crane's up!" Niles: Yes, but they moved right back out again after you took your first swing. Frasier: Only because the bat flew out of my hands! Niles: You worry too much, your co-workers aren't expecting you to play brilliantly. Frasier: Oh, I can live with playing badly in front of my co-workers, it's Frederick I'm worried about. He's still at that age where he thinks his father can do anything. Niles: Every child at some point must discover that his father is not a superhero. Frasier: I know. Niles: It's a healthy part of the developmental process. Frasier: I know, I know some day he's going to have to learn that I'm not perfect, it's just that I was hoping it might be something less humiliating like seeing me fast dance at a family wedding. Niles: You consider that less humiliating? Frasier: Well... Frasier begins to demonstrate as Daphne enters with Freddie. Daphne: Hello, look who's here. Frasier: Ah, did you two have fun while I was at work? Freddie: [smitten with Daphne] Yes. Daphne: Oh, yes, we went to the amusement park, we had a lovely time. Only I think the ferris wheel scared him a bit; he spent the whole ride hugging me for dear life. Niles: [well... maybe envious] Really? Freddie: Her hair smells like strawberries. Niles: It smells like peach blossoms, lavender and vanilla! Daphne looks confused. Niles: [covers] From over here at least. [Daphne laughs] Freddie: Uncle Niles, are you coming to watch my dad play in the softball team? He's the best one on the team. Niles: Well, of course I am, Freddie. I'll be there sitting right between you and Daphne. Daphne: [oblivious] Oh, come on, Frederick, let's go get some hot chocolate. Freddie: OK. [they go to the counter] Frasier: So you see the problem? Niles: [looking onto Freddie at the counter] I certainly do! Frasier: No, that's your problem. The trouble is that I promised Frederick I would play on Saturday. I guess I'm left with only one choice. Niles: You're gonna fake an injury? Frasier: No, of course not, I'm going to learn how to play softball. Niles: In two days? Frasier: Well, back in college, when Stu Oberfelt got sick, I learnt the role of Mercutio in just a day and a half. I was brilliant. Fighting in the duelling scene, the audience was on the edge of their seats. Niles: Yes, and they were under them when the sword flew out of your hand! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Softball Court. Martin and Frasier enter the softball practice court. Frasier is wearing softball clothes - obviously Martin's which read "CRANE" on the back. Frasier: Gee, Dad, I want to thank you for helping me out with this. Martin: Ah, don't mention it, we're going to whip you right into shape! Frasier: It must have been kinda disappointing for you; I never took any interest in this sort of thing as a kid. Martin: No, I understood. Frasier: I guess it's a little complex I must have developed. When I was growing up, you know, the doorbell'd ring, I'd run to answer it and then there'd be the neighbourhood kids with their baseball gloves and their bats looking for somebody else to join their game. They'd say, "Hey, can your Dad come out and play?" Martin: [laughs] Well, never mind that. You know, it's kind of fun to finally be out here. Frasier: [laughs] Oh, at the risk of sounding like Stanley courting Blanche DuBois in "Streetcar...", "We've had this date with each other from the very beginning." Martin: I knew you'd ruin it! Frasier: I'm sorry. Martin: Come on, put your helmet on. Frasier: [tries to] Dad, gee, it's kinda tight. Martin: Yeah, well, it's supposed too. Stops you from getting hurt. Martin pushes it on causing him to scream in pain. Martin: There you go, now. Get your bat, get into the stands just like I told you. I'm gonna turn the machine on. You know, the good thing about these balls is that they're all at the same level so you can work on your form and your timing, all right? Okay, now here we go. Martin stands outside, puts money in and clicks for the first ball. It shoots past Frasier. He dodges it rather than hitting it. Frasier: What is that, a pitching machine or a particle accelerator?! Martin: All right, all right, I'll crank it down to a lower setting. [does so] Okay, now, just remember; Left elbow in, right elbow up, knees in, all your weight on the balls of your feet, okay, now, just step into the pitch. By the time Frasier has done this, he looks pretty ridiculous. Martin: Now. A ball fires straight pass him. Martin: Oh yeah, and swing the bat. Frasier: Dad, can't you just slow it down a little bit? Martin: All right, all right, but if any of the other fathers come back here, I'm taking it off the pee-wee setting. Okay, all right, now, from the hips. Nice an' easy, don't try to kill it, just try to make contact, okay, are you ready? Frasier: Ready. The ball fires. Frasier swings for it without any contact. He falls over on his follow-through while throwing the bat to the other side of the court. Some men are watching and laughing. Frasier: What are they looking at? Dad, they're looking at me! Martin: [to men] Get out of here! Go on, buzz off! The men leave as Frasier resumes posture. [SCENE_BREAK] 15%...20% IF THE SERVICE IS EXCEPTIONAL Scene Three - Softball Court. Later on, Frasier is still trying to bat. Once again, a ball whizzes pass him, he tries to hit it but, as before, falls over and throws the bat away. Frasier: Did you hear that? Did you hear that? I touched it that time, I did! Martin: No, I think that was my knee cracking! Hey, you're doing a lot better, though. That's six in a row without hitting yourself in your kidney on your follow-through. Frasier: Oh, who am I kidding? This is hopeless! Martin: [steps inside] Oh, well you tried anyway. Why don't we just try changing bats? Frasier: Oh, Dad, please, I couldn't hit that ball if I had a sofa cushion! Martin: All right, okay, Softball's not your game. It's no big deal, now Freddie'll understand that. Frasier: Oh, I suppose. In time he well, it's just that... Frasier tries to take his helmet off, however it pains him through the tightness. Frasier: ...no boy ever forgets the first time he finds that his dad isn't perfect. It's not what I want him to take away with him on his trip. Anyway, thanks for your help. Martin: Oh, don't mention it. So, Frasier, em, [laughs] what was it for you? Frasier: Huh? Martin: Well, you know, em, when you first found out that I was less than perfect? Frasier: I don't know. Martin: I thought you said a kid never forgets the first time. Frasier: Well... Maybe it was no one time. Martin: Oh, so, it's a lot of times? Frasier: Well, no, I'm just not very comfortable talking about it right now. Martin: Why? You're not going to hurt my feelings, I'm just curious. Frasier: All right, all right. Back in third grade, you took me and some of the boys from the Math Club out to pizza. When the check came, you couldn't figure out the tip in your head. Martin: I can't do math in my head, that's your big disappointment?! Frasier: Well, it was at the time! Martin: Well, I wonder if I can calculate in my head how many hits you got today? Let me think, er... oh, it's zero! Frasier: Fine! Fine, Dad, get defensive! I was eight years old. Martin: Hey, that's the one shaped like a snowman, right?! Frasier: I'm sorry I even brought it up. Martin: All right. Frasier: I guess I'm just going to have to bite the bullet, sit Frederick down on Saturday before the game and tell him the truth. It's not a conversation I'm looking forward to but I should prepare him for the fact that his daddy's not going to be hitting any grand slams on Saturday. [pause] Or am I? Wait, a grand slam is... Martin: You aren't. Frasier: Well, anyway, I suppose one consolation is, you know, as disappointed as I was with you after the pizza incident, here we are, all those years later, out at a batting cage. Martin: Yeah, that's right. Come on, I'll get us a couple of beers. Frasier: Thanks, Dad. Frasier and Martin leave the cage as Martin looks through his coins. Martin: And, er, how many of these shiny things do you need for... Frasier: Oh, shut up! Frasier and Martin exit. Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment. On Saturday, the doorbell rings. Frasier answers the door to Niles. Frasier is wearing a KACL "CRANE" softball shirt. Niles is in his normal Armani attire. Frasier: Hello, Niles. Niles: Frasier, you look like an authentic jock. I'm half-tempted to hand over my lunch money. Frasier: Is that your idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire? Niles: Obviously you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie! Niles points it out. Niles: So, how did your little talk go with Frederick? Frasier: Well, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet. I guess it's about you going to any lengths to avoid looking foolish in front of your son. Martin enters wearing a comical Viking helmet. Martin: Look what Mrs. Thorkenson was throwing out. Boy, the guys at McGinty's are going to love this! Martin exits, leaving the boys startled. Frasier: Well, anyhoo... Frederick runs in from the direction of Daphne's room. Frasier: Frederick, what have I told you about running in the house? Freddie: You told me to not run in the house. Frasier: Frederick, what have I told you about splitting infinitives? Niles: Frasier, let the boy be a boy. Daphne enters in her bathrobe. Daphne: Don't run away! I saw you! Your son just walked right in on me in the shower! Frasier: Frederick! Freddie: Dad, all I really saw was... Frasier: I am very disappointed in you, young man! Niles: Let the boy finish! Frasier gives him a look. Freddie: All I really saw was a lot of steam. Frasier nods at Niles. Freddie: I'm sorry, Daphne, I didn't know you were in the shower. Now you hate me. Daphne: I don't hate you, you just have to promise to knock before you enter a room, okay? Freddie nods as Daphne exits. Freddie: Sorry, dad. Frasier: That's okay, son. Freddie: So, when are we going to the game? Frasier: Er, in a bit, er... First we have to have a conversation, the two of us. Er, Uncle Niles, do you think you could give us a moment alone? Niles: Oh, of course. I'll freshen up for the game. [aside to Freddie:] You can fool them, but you can't fool me! I'm on to you, little man! [exits] Frasier sighs in disbelieving disgust. Frasier: Come on, Freddie. Come and have a seat, here. [he does] Okay, you're going to see me play some softball today, and I'm not going to play very well. You see, I'm not a good softball player. Freddie: But Bulldog said you were the best. Frasier: Yes, I know, he was just lying in order to be nice. The truth is, I stink. I can't catch, I can't throw, I can't hit. Freddie: [taking it well] Oh. Frasier: So, it must be pretty disappointing to hear for the first time that your Dad's not perfect, but... Freddie: It's not the first time. You couldn't fix my computer, you thought Venus was the North Star, and I've seen you run! Frasier: Well, why didn't you mention any of these things to me before? Freddie: I thought it might hurt your self-esteem! Frasier: Ah, actually, Frederick, I'm really okay with those things, I am. I just want you to know that it's okay for you to feel bad about them. You see, when I was your age, I felt really bad about learning that your Grandpa can't do math in his head. I learned later, of course, that that really wasn't very important because he can do so many other things so well. Martin enters. Freddie: [amazed] Grandpa can't do math in his head?! Frasier: Yes, but.... Martin: What are you doing telling that for?! Frasier: I was making a point! Freddie: You mean you can't do it at all?! Martin: Well, yeah, sure I can, Freddie. Freddie: I knew you could. What's seven times fifteen? You can do it, Grandpa. Frederick looks at Martin. Martin looks at Frasier who writes in the air "105." Martin: Er... 115? Freddie: Oh, Grandpa! Martin: Thanks a lot, Frasier! Frasier: Well, I tried, for God's sake. Frederick slumps onto the sofa as Niles and Daphne enter. Daphne: Ready for the game? Freddie: [miffed] Yeah. Daphne: You don't sound too exited. Freddie: I just found out that Dad's bad at softball and Grandpa can't do math in his head. Daphne: Those things aren't important. What can I do to make you feel better? Freddie: Maybe a hug? Daphne: Oh, come here. Daphne picks up Freddie and gives him a big hug. Over her shoulder, his sad face slowly turns to a sly smile. Niles catches the look and returns it as Uncle and Nephew share the same thoughts. End of Act Two [SCENE_BREAK] KACL Frasier enters the booth to find Roz. They are angry with each other. Frasier obviously did a bad job, however he feels that if Roz hadn't been so sex-crazed, he wouldn't have had to do it. However, Frasier realises he has to make it up to her for the Scott Blankman deal. He takes a Bobby Sherman LP out of his bag. Roz accepts it with a smile. Frasier takes out a Bobby Sherman T-Shirt. Roz kisses and hugs Frasier in return. Frasier then tells her to wait a minute and exits. When he re-enters, he is holding out the real, in-the-flesh Bobby Sherman. Frasier locks him in the room with Roz. Roz is ecstatic, however Bobby seems to be scared as Roz takes his hand, pulls him up close and kisses him firmly.

Frasier's son, Frederick, is visiting him in Seattle for the week. He has requested a tour of Microsoft , which Frasier is having difficulty organising. He remembers that Roz used to date a Microsoft executive , and hopes she can help, but it turns out that he resigned soon after Roz dumped him. While on a tour of KACL , Frederick meets Bulldog, who is in need of another player to join the KACL softball team. Not wanting to disillusion the boy, Bulldog claims that Frasier is an expert softball player, but that he is unavailable for the next game because of the Microsoft tour. Frederick informs his father that he no longer wants to visit Microsoft; rather, he wants to see Frasier play in the softball game. Frasier must quickly learn how to play. Meanwhile, Niles is upset that Frederick has a crush on Daphne, and she enjoys spending time with him.

fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_02x22

fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_02x22_0

(Joe's Bar) MVO: A good basketball game can have us all on the edge of our seats. Games are all about the glory, the pain and the play-by-play. (Meredith is sitting at the bar knitting, Derek is watching from afar.) MVO: And then there are the more solitary games. Joe (To Derek): Dude, is she knitting? MVO: The games we each play all by ourselves. (Derek walks up) Derek: You know, as a friend, I got to tell you, you look a little weird. Meredith: I am making a sweater. Joe: You're knitting. In a bar. You can't knit in a bar. You're scaring the customers. Derek: Come on, have a drink. Meredith: I can't have a drink. I'm celibate. Joe: You mean sober? She means sober. Meredith: No. Celibate. I'm practicing celibacy, and drinking does not go well with celibacy, because it makes everything and everyone seem kind of porny. And then my head gets all cloudy and then the next thing you know, I'm naked. And my point is, I'm celibate, and knitting is good for surgical dexterity, so I'm making a sweater. Derek: You, celibate? I just don't buy it. Meredith: No more men. (Addison walks up) Addison: No more men? Really? You? And I'm asking because we are friends. Meredith: Every guy I meet turns out to be married. Derek: Ooh. Ouch. Meredith: Sorry. Or Mark. Addison: Ok, I'm gonna go over there now. Meredith: Sorry. (Addison walks away) Meredith: Or remember the horrible thing I did? Remember George? Derek: You're making a sweater. Meredith: I am making a sweater. MVO: The social games, the mind games, we use them to pass the time. To make life more interesting. To distract us from what's really going on. (Izzie is sitting in Denny's room, knitting) Izzie: He's just not George anymore. He's broken George. First he chops off his hair. Then he starts hanging out with this Callie. That is not a name. Callie. Who is she anyway? I'm his best friend. Not that he talks to me anymore. Denny: Triple word score. 69 points. Woman, I'm beating the pants off you. Pay attention. What the hell are you doing? Izzie: I'm knitting a sweater. Actually, Meredith, that's my friend, the friend that broke George, she is knitting a sweater. She's not really knitting the sweater, because she cannot knit. But I want her to think she is knitting a sweater because she and I took a celibacy vow, so she's replacing s*x with knitting, and so I'm knitting pieces of Meredith's sweater so I can switch them out with hers so she can really believe she's knitting because if anybody needs to be celibate, it's Meredith, because she broke George. You know? Denny: You took a vow of celibacy? Izzie: Yes. Denny: How am I supposed to get in your pants if you took a vow of celibacy? Izzie: That is a very inappropriate thing to say to your doctor. Denny: You know what's inappropriate? Promising sexual favors to a patient in order to get him to live and then backing out. Izzie: Denny Duquette! I so never ever promised... Denny: In my head, you did. In my head, you delivered. Izzie: Well... Denny: Don't worry. You weren't very good. Izzie: Ok. You know what? I was being nice. I was letting you win. Because you're "Mr. Sick Needs a New Organ Guy." But just for that comment, I'm going to kick your ass. Yeah, I'm going to...You put down "mount," Denny? MVO: There are those of us who love to play games. Any game. (Cristina, Burke, George and Callie are playing a game at Cristina and Burke's apartment.) MVO: And there are those of us who love to play...a little too much. George: Ok, uh, disastrous FEMA director. No. Callie: Oh, uh. Oh. George: Um, poo is? Callie: Brown. Poo is brown! Micheal Brown! George: Yes! Cristina: Time! Time! George and Callie: Whoo! Whoo! George: Yeah, thank you. Burke: Impressive, O'Malley. George: Thanks. Burke: "Poo is"? Callie: Apparently, we think alike. Cristina: Wow, can't believe you're proud of that. Callie: Hey, are you supposed to, um, open the papers ahead of time? George: Hey! Cristina: It's called strategy. Burke: Cristina, it's a game. Cristina: I know that. Burke: Well, you just seem a little intense and we're just trying to have some fun. Cristina: I'm having fun. Lets do this. Ok. George: Are you ready? Cristina: Mm-hmm. George: Go. Cristina: Blond ambition tour. (Burke says nothing) Blond ambition tour. Callie: Oh! Cristina: Vogue. (Burke says nothing) Oh, are you kidding? Ok, she's blonde, she's blonde! She's ambitious. With the...she's ambitious! And with the tour! And the vogueing! And the...Honey, ok, look at me! (To George) Ok...Shut up! Cones! Cones! Blond ambition, boob cones, and, uh, vogueing, honey, vogueing. Sean Penn! Sean Penn! George: Time! (Cristina looks frustrated) Zero points for Madonna. Burke: Oh! Madonna. Right. (Gallery, Cristina is pacing and Meredith and Izzie are knitting.) Cristina: Who doesn't know Madonna? Izzie: (Coughing) Sore loser. Cristina: I am not a sore loser. You know, and so what if I am? See, the whole point of games is that there's a winner. A first place. You want a second best surgeon operating on you? No, you want the very best. And second best is mediocre. And to settle for mediocrity is...is frankly, you know, a sign of self-loathing and substandard work ethics. I've gotta get George out of my apartment. Meredith: You know, you could sleep with him and then right in the middle start crying. It's painful and humiliating and unbelievably cruel, but apparently it works. Izzie: Would you just keep knitting? Kick him out so that he can come back home to us. Cristina: No, I can't kick him out. You know, he's Burke's puppy. It's gotta be Burke's idea. I just gotta figure out a way to make him do it. (OR where Burke is operating) Burke: Got a lot of metastatic disease here. How do we proceed? Alex: Definitely excise the endopronchial mets for symptomatic palliation. Burke: You've been doing your homework, Karev. Alex: Lot of late nights. Burke: Look at this. The mets have adhered to her chest wall. Alex: Dude, she's toast. Burke: Don't you think that's a little insensitive, Dr. Karev? Alex: She can't hear me. Burke: You don't know that. Bedside manner is part of the job, Karev. Late nights won't get you anywhere. You have to figure that out. (Derek walks up to Addison in the hall) Derek: Good morning. Addison: You going into surgery or coming out? Derek: Going in. I had to push back. Doc's sick. Addison: Sick? What are his symptoms? Derek: Polydipsia, lethargy, and vomiting. Addison: Any sign of fever or dehydration? Derek: It's unclear. I was considering running a course of IV antibiotics and a saline drip. Addison: Seriously? Derek: No, Addison. He's a dog. I dropped him off at the vet. They're gonna run some tests and observe him overnight. Meredith will check on him later. Addison: I gotta run, I got a transfer in from Mercy West. Will you wait for me to go home? Derek: Yeah. (Cristina is in a class) Teacher: Today we'll be covering... (Cristina raises her hand) Teacher: Yes? Cristina: Cristina Yang. First year, surgical intern. I'm just wondering if we're going to be covering both intra and extracorporeal knots in today's seminar? Teacher: We'll be training in all aspects of laparascopic general surgery. Starting with basic instrumentation... (Richard sits down behind Cristina) Richard: Dr. Yang. Cristina: Chief. Teacher: ...including tissue approximation. The suggested time for... Cristina: You're taking the class? Richard: It's a good refresher course, should be fun. Cristina: Fun. Yeah. Teacher: Now, who would like to volunteer for our first...(Cristina immediately raises her hand.) Dr. Yang. (George is in Molly Thompson's room.) George: Molly Thompson, 22 years old, 32 weeks pregnant. Transferred here from Mercy West when an ultrasound diagnosed the baby with congenital diaphragmatic hernia. Addison: Hello, Molly. I'm Dr. Addison Shepherd. Molly: You're supposed to be the best. Susan: And not to put any pressure on you, or anything, but this is my baby carrying my grandchild so I really hope that you are. The best, I mean. Molly: Mom, you're kind of threatening the doctor. Don't threaten the doctor. It doesn't help. Susan: Sorry. My husband tells me I have to try not to be such a mother lion because Molly's a grown woman and has her own life and everything, but...roar. Addison: It's ok. I can take it. I am the best. Molly: You can fix this, though? Right? Addison: We'll insert a scope into your uterus and then inflate a little balloon in the baby's airway, which should help stimulate the lungs to grow. It's not going to be easy on either of you. But I do have a strong record with this surgery. (Addison and George start to leave) Addison: Make sure you get her to the MRI and get me the results as soon as you can. George: I will. (There is a man standing outside the door of Molly's room.) George: Sir? Can I help you find something? Man: Uh...is there a Dr. Meredith Grey working today? George: Yes. Man: She's here in the hospital, right now? George: I can have someone page her for you if you want me to. Man: No. No. Thanks. George: Wait! Excuse me, sir. Are you...What's your name? Man: Thatcher. George: You're... Thatcher: Grey. Yeah. George: You're Meredith's father. Thatcher: Yeah. George: Are you sure you don't want me to page her for you? Thatcher: No. I'm sorry. It's complicated. (Molly's mother comes out of the room) Susan: Thatcher, honey? We're right here. Thatcher: Oh. Oh. There you are, Susan. Susan: Did you tell him? I roared a little. Couldn't help it. Thatcher: Oh. Oh, well, I knew you would. Uh... George: I'm sorry, I'm Dr. O'Malley. I'm, uh... Thatcher: Uh, well, excuse us. Uh...check on our daughter. (Bailey is standing in front of the OR board, Derek walks up.) Derek: Uh, Dr. Bailey! You have an extra intern? Bailey: I'm available. Derek: No, no, no, no. I said intern. Bailey: Shepherd, look at the board. Derek: Ok. What am I looking at? Bailey: My name isn't up there. It wasn't up there yesterday and it won't be tomorrow. Derek: What'd you do piss of the Chief? Bailey: Yeah. I pissed off the Chief. I went and had a baby. I gave birth. I created a human life. I'm a surgeon. We don't do that. He's mommy tracking me. Derek: He's just going easy on you. Bailey: No, I change diapers, I clean spit up, I sing the ABC's. I'm covered in mommy. But that does not mean I will be mommy tracked. Derek: You're freaking out. Bailey: I just need a surgery. I need a surgery, now. So for today, I'm your intern. I have not begun to freak out. Derek: All right. Come on. (Izzie and Meredith are standing at a nurse's station) Izzie: Cristina told me that George had a date with Ortho chick. Games night. She didn't even take him home afterwards. She hinted that she wanted to and then she said she couldn't. That's weird, right? Meredith: George made it perfectly clear that I'm not in his life anymore. Izzie: Think Ortho chick is hiding something? She could be hiding something. (Callie walks up) Callie: Stevens. Hold this. (Throws a tool at Izzie) George mentioned you're not big on ortho. Grey? Take the osteotome and the mallet. (Hands tools to Meredith) Follow me. (Seattle Scenes) (Beatrice Carvers room, Alex and Burke are there) Alex: Ms. Carver, unfortunately, we found that the cancer has metastasized to your chest wall. We took out a small tumor obstructing your airway which will help with your breathing buy...it's not a cure. Beatrice: So this is the end of the line. That's what you're saying? This is it? I die now? Burke: Beatrice... Beatrice: I want you to go back in and I want you to cut out everything that you can. As much as you can. I want as much time as you can give me, you understand? Burke: Unfortunately, any additional surgery... Beatrice: Excuse me. (A young lady, Amelia enters the room) Daughter: Mom, I'm not eating any of that crap in the cafeteria. I mean, we're gonna have to order in Thai food or something because I'm starving and the food here blows. Beatrice: I'll have the nurse bring a menu by and we can have a picnic in bed. Amelia: God, mom, how many doctors do you have? Beatrice: They were just leaving. (She flips on the television and Burke and Alex leave.) (Class with Cristina and Richard) Teacher: In five to ten years, cutting, as we know it, will be virtually obsolete. Very nice, Dr. Yang. Cristina: Thank you, sir. Teacher: A little less tension there, Chief. Watch your grip. There you go. Richard: (To Cristina) I wasn't copying you. Cristina: Of course not, sir. (Loudly) Done! I'm done! I totally finished first. I'm done. (Izzie, Meredith and Callie are working on a patient) Izzie: So, Dr. Torres... Callie: Hold it steady, Grey. Izzie: Did you always know you wanted to specialize in orthopedics? Callie: Did you always know you wanted to model? Izzie: Oh, ok. Callie: Grey, I mean it. Watch your grip. Izzie: And your husband? Is he a doctor too? Callie: What are you trying to ask me, Dr. Stevens? My history? My marital status? My deep dark little secrets? Izzie: I'm George's best friend. Callie: Oh, I see. Well, it's just funny because from what I understand, as his best friend, you haven't been the best matchmaker in the past. (Izzie is walking down a set of stairs, George is standing on the landing.) Izzie: Hi. George: Hey. Izzie: Your hair's growing out, which is nice. I still think you should cut it. I could cut it for you, if we still lived together. Or we could just hang out and talk, about stuff. Like your new friend, Callie. She's, uh, she's very, um...You know, if you like her, I will like her. Eventually. George: I can't escape her. Izzie: What? George: All I want to do is forget her. All I want to do is just escape her and...you know, I can't. Izzie: You want to escape Callie? Thank God, because she is like a total freak and I'm starting to get really worried about you. (She looks at George who is just standing there) Not Callie. Sorry. Oops. Who? Or, uh...oh! Meredith again. George: Let me tell you something. The minute I tell what I'm about to tell you, this officially becomes your problem. Not mine. Izzie: Ok. George: Meredith has a sister. (Derek and Bailey are in surgery) Derek: How we doing? Doctor: Turning the skull flap. Patient's sedated. Derek: Very nice. Nicely done. Bailey: He's a kid. Derek: Yes. Bailey: I just didn't think it would be a kid. A tumor that size...What happens now? Derek: Now we wake him up. Bailey: We're doing awake brain surgery on him. Derek: Yes. Thank you. Andrew? A little more. Andrew? Can you hear me? Hey, want to count for me? Andrew: One... Derek: Good. Keep going. Andrew: Two. Three. Derek: The tumor is located near the language center of the brain. It's always important that we don't damage it. Andrew? I need you to keep talking. Can you do that? Can you talk to me? Andrew: I'll...I'll try. Derek: Great. Now what grade are you in? Andrew: Um...seventh. Derek: You into sports? Andrew: Not really? Derek: How about baseball? Andrew: Um...baseball's a sport. Derek: Right. Ok. What about, uh, girls? Do you have any girlfriends? Andrew: No. Bailey: Um...you probably don't have tome for girlfriends, right, Andrew? Probably too busy, right? Andrew: Yes, ma'am. Bailey: What are you busy doing? Andrew: Getting ready for the National Spelling Bee. I won the greater regionals last month. Bailey: Oh, well, in that case, you need to spell some words for us. Uh, can you do that? Andrew: Sure. Bailey: Good. Uh... Derek: You usually provide the word, Dr. Bailey. Bailey: I don't hear you coming up with one. Uh, lets see. Oh, right! Um, "acetaminophen." Andrew: Acetaminophen. Origin of the word? Bailey: Heck if I know. (Addison and George pass in the hall.) Addison: Do you have Molly's MRI results? George: No, I haven't. Not yet. Addison: What the hall have you been doing then? George: I was just going... Addison: When I assign you to a case of mine I expect you to give it your full and undivided attention. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't take you off this case. George: Molly Thompson's maiden name is Grey. Her father is Thatcher Grey. Thatcher Grey is also Meredith's father. Which means that, Molly and Meredith are sisters, but I don't think Meredith even knows Molly exists. That... I don't care. I don't, except I'm on this case and apparently God hates me. Addison: Ok. George: Ok, thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] (Alex and Burke enter Beatrice's room) Beatrice: I want all this out now. I'm getting out of the hospital. Burke: Oh, we can't, Beatrice. You just had major surgery... Beatrice: Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday. Apparently, it's the last one I get to celebrate. I'm not spending it in here. Burke: Ok. I'm so sorry. But if we remove this tube, your lung will collapse. I'm sure you don't want to spend your daughter's birthday this way. Beatrice: I'm a quick healer. I'm breathing better since the surgery. Burke: That is because we removed some of the tumor opened up your airway. That doesn't mean that you are well. All right? If you try to leave, you're at risk of infection or hemorrhage. Alex: Your kid doesn't even know you have cancer. You really want to risk dropping dead on the street outside the hospital? (Alex and Burke leave the room) Burke: Dr. Karev. So you thought...scaring her back in the bed was the way to go? Alex: It worked, didn't it? She's lying to her kid. Burke: She's frightened. She's in shock. It is not your job or your place to take a tone like that with a patient. Not ever. Are we understood? Alex: Yes, sir. (Izzie, Cristina and George are having lunch in the outdoor cafeteria) Izzie: So what are the sister and the father like? Cristina: Like? They're like people Meredith is related to and never met. George: They're nice. Izzie: Can you imagine? A sister, a whole family you know nothing about. You think she's going to freak out? George: It's not my responsibility to care. Cristina: Heads up. Heads up. (Richard walks up and sits down at their table.) George: Hey, chief. Seems I'm a little rusty on my bead transfer and rope pass. Dr. Yang here, has been kicking my ass all day. Izzie: Oh, I can't imagine, Chief. Richard: No, really, she has. Of course, spend and precision aren't the most important surgical skills, Dr. Yang. The basics are the key. You need a solid foundation before anything else. Ok, um...We'll, I'll see you back at the lab. Enjoy your lunch. George: You too. Izzie: Have a nice day, sir. (Richard leaves) Cristina: Ok, I really am kicking the Chief's ass. (Meredith walks up and sits down and George leaves) Izzie: George. George: Not my responsibility. See you guys. Cristina: So who's going to be the... Meredith: It's ok. I can accept rejection. I've got my knitting. Cristina: Mer... Meredith: The weird thing is, I thought I just saw my father. Izzie: Ok. That's good. That's so good. Cristina: Hmm. Did you meet your sister too? (Andrew's OR) Andrew: "Appoggiatura" won last year. Year before that? Akshay Buddiga. He fainted, then got up and spelled the word "alopecoid." Kid's a major legend. Derek: All right. Now it's my turn. "Fibromyalgia." Bailey: Fibromyalgia? Derek: Yeah, what's wrong with fibromyalgia? Bailey: Andrew won the regionals. He's going to D.C. He's probably insulted by fibromyalgia. Andrew: Fibromyalgia. Derek: Suction. Andrew: F-I-B-R-O-M-Y-A-L-G-I-A. Fibromyalgia. She's right. That was kind of easy. Derek: Ok. You want me to bring on the heat? I'll bring on the heat. "Omphalocele." Andrew: Omphalocele. Derek: Mm-hmm. More suction in there. Andrew: (Slurring) Omphalocele. Derek: Ok. Bailey: Andrew? What's happening? Derek: Mark that. We've hit the language center. We have to pull back. Bailey: Andrew? Andrew? Oh, Andrew. Andrew. Uh, spell it again for me. Derek: Give me the probe. Bailey: Dr. Shepherd's working on it. I don't want you to be scared. I want you to wait. Wait, I want you to hold on. Derek: Mark that as well, please. Ok, try now. Bailey: Ok. All right, Andrew, spell "omphalocele" one more time for me. Andrew: Omphalocele. Derek: Mark that, please. Andrew: O-M-P-H-A-L-O-C-E-L-E. Omphalocele. Bailey: That's it. That's perfect. (Sniffling) Andrew: Dr. Bailey, are you crying? Bailey: Ooh! I got something in my eye. Derek: You're doing great, Andrew. We're almost done. Bailey: Stop looking at me like that. It's my hormones. Derek: Mm-hmm. Bailey: I'm still a surgeon. I'm just a surgeon with an excess of estrogen. Deal with it. Andrew, can you spell "estrogen"? Andrew: E-S-T-R-O-G-E-N. Derek: Here's a word for you. "Delusional." Andrew: Delusional. (Cristina and Richard's class. Cristina and Richard are preparing to battle!) Teacher: Today's final assignment will show how well you can take the skills you have learned and apply them to a single operation. You may begin. (Addison is in Molly's room. Meredith walks by peeking in.) Addison: So I'm gonna do the surgery with a small scope. It will be minimally invasive. And then you should be able to do the rest of your recovery from home. Molly: Thank you. Yeah, Ok. (Addison sees Meredith in the hall) Addison: Uh...(Nods to Meredith to enter) Uh, Molly, this is Dr...uh...This is Meredith. She's going to be...continuing your prep work and taking your vitals, ok? Molly: Ok. Meredith: Hi. Molly: Hey. Meredith: Uh, do you mind if I, um...? Molly: No, it's fine. Meredith: Ok. Molly: I'm getting used to being poked and prodded. Meredith: That's, uh, a pretty ring. Molly: Oh, thanks. It was my grandma's and then my mom's. You think I'm too young to be married. Meredith: No, I... Molly: That's ok. Everybody thinks I'm too young. If I saw me, id think I was too young. Meredith: Um, how...how old are you? Molly: 22. Eric's 23. And he's in the army and he was getting shipped out. And...I just love him so much, you know? Anyway, I proposed. Meredith: Oh. And your, uh, parents? They approve? Molly: Oh. Oh, my parents are amazing. You know how dads can be. Mine's pretty overprotective. But...you know, at my wedding, when he gave me away, my dad cried, which was...I had never seen my dad cry before. But I think it was also kind of weird for him 'cause I'm his little girl. You know, I'm the youngest, and my sister's like nowhere near ready for marriage. But...it was good crying. Like...he was proud of me, you know? I'm sorry. I'm just nervous, so I'm talking. Meredith: No, that's ok. So you have a sister? Molly: Yeah, Lexie. She's in medical school. Harvard. She's the smart one. You should see how my dad is about her. He's like crazy proud. Meredith: Well, I'm going to go. Molly: Meredith? Meredith: Hmm? Molly: Do you think my baby's going to be ok? Meredith: Oh. Well, I hope so. Molly: Me too. Meredith: Ok. (Meredith enters a room, slamming the door behind her. Callie and Izzie are in there.) Meredith: I need some bones to break. Callie: What? Meredith: Some bones to break. Something to smash. Can you help me with that, please? Callie: Um...you can clean up this cast crap if you want. (Meredith starts pounding on the cast with a hammer.) Callie: Is she freaking out? Izzie: No. Uh-uh. She's fine. Meredith: Oh. Izzie: She's great. So, George...he's really, really your type, huh? Callie: You don't see him. Either of you. You don't see him. He's just...He's just George to you. He's...He's just O'Malley. Your roommate. Izzie: You don't have to get all up... Callie: He makes my world stop. George O'Malley is sweet and kind, and smart and strong. (Meredith is still pounding away on the cast) Callie: And he makes my world stop. So you shut up about him. (To Meredith) Don't forget to clean it up. When you're done smashing. (Callie leaves) Izzie: Holy crap! George is her McDreamy. Meredith: Oh. (Cristina and Richard's class. Cristina looks over and Richard has his eyes closed.) Richard: I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. Teacher: Flawless, Chief Webber. Absolutely flawless. Richard; They call me Dr. Webber. That's why I'm the chief. That's why I'm the chief. (Singing) That's why I'm the chief. Chief. (Beatrice's room. Alex is in there and her daughter enters) Amelia: So when is my mom getting out of here? Beatrice: I'm sorry, honey, but it's going to be a few days. Can you call aunt Sue? See if she can pick you up? Amelia: So I get to spend my birthday hanging out with Aunt Sue? Perfect. Beatrice: I promise you, next year. Next year well do something really special for your birthday. You name it. It's done. I promise. Amelia: Whatever. (The daughter leaves the room) Alex: So, this whole lying thing? This is working out for you? Beatrice: Excuse me? Alex: You're going to die. And soon. You get that, right? There's no rosy picture to paint here. Beatrice: You're not a mother. You don't know what it's like to hold your newborn baby in your arms, and smell her head and know that your only job in the world is to protect her. Alex: You think you're protecting her? Beatrice: I am protecting her. Alex: I guess you can call it what you want. But you should just know, you're leaving behind a kid that will probably hate you the rest of her life. (Burke clears his throat, he has been listening at the door.) Burke: Dr. Karev... Alex: No. I'm talking this time. Burke: Excuse me? Alex: I tell the truth. It's what I do. It doesn't make me a bad doctor. Everyone walks around this place lying. We tell the patient that's dying that there is hope when there is no hope. Maybe I'm a pig. Maybe I'm an ass. Maybe I'm a vermin like everybody says. But I tell them the truth. It's the one thing that I've got going for me. And you don't get to take that away from me and call it a lesson, sir. (Meredith walks past Susan Grey, she doesn't know who she is.) Susan: I saw a picture once from a long time ago, you look just like her. Your mother. You look a lot like my girls. Especially Molly. You were talking to her? Meredith: I didn't say anything about anything. Susan: Oh, she knows about you. Or she knows that her father was married before and had another daughter. Has another daughter. Meredith: No, had is right. Susan: Your father thinks about you. He thinks about you a lot. He just...Your mother...Your mother...She broke him. Meredith: Excuse me. I...I have to work. (Thatcher is standing in front of the OR board, Richard walks up. It takes him a moment to realize who Thatcher is.) Thatcher: I spent years studying this board. Holding a crying baby, trying to get an idea when my wife would get out of surgery. Appy takes about an hour. Anything with the word "cardio" and I know not to plan on seeing her at all that day. Richard: Thatcher. Are you aware of what's going on with Ellis? Thatcher: You have no right. No right to talk to me about Ellis. Richard: I'm sorry. But I was trying to talk to you about Meredith. Thatcher, Ellis has early onset Alzheimer's. It's advanced. And it's hard on Meredith, as you can imagine. And I thought you'd want to know. (Bailey is in Andrew's room, his mother is sleeping in a chair.) Bailey: Hey, Andrew. It's Dr. Bailey. Remember me? I was in surgery with you. Andrew: I'm...I'm sorry. Bailey: No, don't worry. Don't worry. A lot of times kids who are awake during surgery don't remember afterwards. Anyway, your operation went really well. We got all that tumor out of there and you're going to be just fine. Andrew: I...I...thanks. Bailey: Ok. You know, I have a son, too. And I'm going home right now to tell him that today I met the best speller in Seattle. (George is walking through the hall, he sees Meredith duck into a nearby room. Thatcher walks up to him.) Thatcher: Oh, hey. Dr. O'Malley. George: Hi. Thatcher: I was looking for you. You're...Before when I was asking about Meredith, you know her. You're her friend? George: I used to be her roommate. Thatcher: Oh, wow. You know her really well. George: I know her pretty well. Thatcher: Um, she...she came to see me a couple of weeks ago. And... George: A couple of weeks ago? Thatcher: Yeah. I...I didn't know what to say to her. She looks so much...so much like her mother. Ellis was cold. I mean, I was a coward. I was...I...I left. But her mother would never let me know her and...now I don't know how to know her. Uh... George: Well, Meredith is anything but cold. She smiles. Not that often, but when she does, uh...you know, because she's been going through a lot...but...it's...it's like you feel warm. She's kind. I mean, she can be a little selfish. She can be...she's flawed, but she's kind. She cares about people. And, uh, she cares about...about her patients. I think she's going to be a brilliant surgeon. You know, around here, she's known as the one to beat. So, I...I mean, I guess she has that in common with her mom, but...I think the rest of her...I think, uh, I think the rest of that she gets from you. Thatcher: Hmm. Do...do you know...where she is? George: I think she left already. But I could tell her you were here, if you want me to? Thatcher: Yeah. Ok. Thank you. George: Ok. Thatcher: Ok. George: Ok, bye. Thatcher: Yeah. (Thatcher and George walk in different directions, Meredith peeks out from her hiding spot.) Meredith: Thank you, George. (Molly and baby's surgery. Addison is there.) Addison: The hernia is causing the baby's abdominal... (Gallery, Meredith is knitting and Derek enters.) Meredith: Hey. Derek: Hey, still knitting? Meredith: Oh, yeah. I'm getting so good at it. Derek: Hmm. I did a craniotomy on a kid today while he was awake. Meredith: I met a sister I never knew I had. And I saw my father which was, uh...I don't know what it was. Derek: Hmm. You ok? Meredith: I have my knitting. (Beatrice is alone in a room with her daughter.) Beatrice: Study hard, keep your grades up. But starting next year you're going to want to take two AP classes a semester if you want to get into a decent college. Amelia: Mom, this is really morbid. Beatrice: And your Aunt Sue is kind of lazy when it comes to personal hygiene so you may have to be the one to remind her when it's time to get your eyebrows waxed or get your hair cut, but eventually she'll get the routine down. Amelia: Can we not have this conversation? Beatrice: Oh, this might sound random, but wear underwear with pantyhose. I know it might feel a little bulky, but honestly, it's a little slutty not to and also that's how you get yeast infections. (Alex starts to enter the room but stops) Amelia: Mom, this is totally gross. Beatrice: And marry a kind man. One who's nice to his mother. Now, if he lives with his mother, you run the opposite way. Amelia: Mom, I'm not getting married any time soon. Beatrice: You will someday. And when that day comes, just have one glass of champagne and then you drink water for the rest of the night because there's nothing tackier then a drunken bride. Amelia: Mom, I don't want to...Why are you telling me all this? Beatrice: Honey, I've been sick for a long time and the doctors just don't think that I'm going to get better. Amelia: No. Beatrice: Amelia. Listen to me. Look at me. Amelia. This is important. This one is...is really the important one. Someday you're going to have a baby. And you're going to feel overwhelmed by this little life that you're responsible for. And you're going to think...worry that everything you do is wrong. And that's normal. You're going to obsess about what to feed it and where to send it to school and whether it should take violin or piano. But I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. It doesn't matter. Whether your kid is a concert pianist or a math genius, it just doesn't matter because at the end of the day, all that matters is if your kid is happy. So you're going to feel sad...for a little while. And that's ok. That's...that's fine. But don't feel sad forever. Ok? You can promise me that? You promise me that you won't feel sad for too long? Amelia: I promise. Beatrice: Ok. Thank you. You make me feel much better. MVO: Life is not a spectator sport. (Thatcher walks into Molly's room) MVO: Win, lose or draw...the game is in progress...whether we want it to be or not. (Izzie is in Denny's room and holds up a sweater.) Izzie: Ta-dah! Denny: You made me a sweater. Today. In one day, you made me a sweater? Izzie: Yeah, well, you know. I just had some time, so... Denny: That vow of celibacy must really be something. Izzie: You know what? Just accept your gift and say thank you. Denny: Does this mean I don't get any sexual favors? Sweater instead of s*x? Izzie: Smell it. Go on, smell it. Denny: It smells like Izzie. Izzie: Yeah, I wore it for three hours. So that is the closest you're going to be getting to this body, mister. You wanna play some Scrabble or you too tired? Denny: Scrabble, please. Izzie: Ok. Denny: Just show me one boob. (Cristina is waiting near the elevator, Richard emerges.) Cristina: Sir. Richard: Nice work today, Yang. Hopefully your fellow interns will be as adept on the scope as you. Cristina: Thank you, sir, but, um, you weren't even looking. You actually had your eyes closed. So, how...I was watching you and...and you didn't even need the...You didn't even need the screen to help you guide the needle holder. Richard: Old school, Yang. Muscle memory. You want to win, always go back to the basics. (Derek and George are playing chess at their apartment.) Burke: It's my move? (Cristina walks out of her room, naked. George quickly covers his eyes.) Burke: Cristina, what the hell are you doing? Cristina: Oh. Um...being comfortable in my apartment. George: I didn't see anything! Dude, I did not see anything! Burke: Get out. Cristina: (Smiling) Basics. MVO: So go ahead: argue with the refs, change the rules...cheat a little...take a break...and tend to your wounds. (George is sitting in the abandoned hallway, dialing his phone.) MVO: But play. (George hears the follow ring of a phone and follows the sound.) (George walks into a room in the hospital basement where Callie is lying on a bed.) Callie: (Into phone) Hello? MVO: Play. George: Hi. Callie: Um, hey. Um... George: You live here? Callie: Yeah. I'm not...crazy or anything. I just spend so much time here in the hospital. It's just...it's easier. So...I'm not...I'm not crazy or anything. George: Do you know how to cut hair? (Callie starts cutting his hair.) MVO: Play hard. Play fast. Play loose and free. (George grabs her arm and pulls her down to kiss her.) (Meredith is at the vet, still knitting.) MVO: Play as if there's no tomorrow. Lola: (On phone) Dandridge's Veterinary Clinic. We certainly do. Yes. Thank you. (To Meredith) You getting the hang of it? Meredith: Not really. Lola: You give up men? Meredith: No. Yes. You know, I don't actually need to see the vet. I really just wanted to sit with Doc. I just want to spend some time with my dog. (A men enters) Finn: Hi. I'm Finn Dandridge. I'm Doc's vet. And you are Dr. Grey. Doc's other owner. We finally meet. Hello. MVO: Ok, so it's not whether you win or lose...it's how you play the game. Right?

Bailey worries Dr. Webber is mommy-tracking her and becomes Derek's intern for the day. George begins a relationship with Callie and finds her living in the hospital. Meredith takes up knitting-and a vow of celibacy. Cristina competes with Webber during classroom exercises. Burke tries to teach Alex a lesson about bedside manner, but it's a lesson that falls on deaf ears. Izzie tries to get George to move back into the house. George discovers that his and Addison's patient is Meredith's half-sister. Meredith meets Doc's vet, and takes a shine to him.

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_05x02

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_05x02_0

(Manny climbs in through Emma's basement window.) Emma: I thought you crawled into somebody else's house by accident. (Manny falls into the hamper.) Manny: Ahh! Ahh! Emma: Oh no. You look like a pretzel. Manny: My insides are kind of pretzely too, let me tell you... Emma: Shh! Manny: ...and I'm soaking wet. Emma: Shh! Manny: How am I gonna wear this to school tomorrow? Emma: Shh! My parents are sleeping. I'll loan you whatever you want, but you need to tell me why Jen saw Peter and stinking drunk you upstairs, alone at 2AM. I told you I liked him! Manny: Hey! Hey okay! You tell me he's hands off and he's hands off. That's just the law. Like girls scout artor... honour. I'm a sailor. (Emma helps her out of the hamper and they both fall on the floor.) In Emma's kitchen, the next morning Mr. Simpson: Oh Manny. You can be the taste tester for my fridged-out omelette(?). We got zucchini, sausage and a crumbly end of a big old hunk of blue cheese. Emma: Cold cereal is our friend. Manny: No. No, I'm fine. Mr. Simpson: Oh! Guess who just hung up from a conversation with your mom? Manny: Great. Mr. Simpson: Who nearly wept when she heard that you were here safe and sound. Manny: I hate her. I hate them. In the hallway Manny: Tell me you're as hung over as I am. Peter: Sure except I wasn't drinking. Manny: Good then you remember what happened because I'm still a little foggy. Peter: Yeah I remember everything. Especially when you showed me your... you know. Manny: But you were sober. Why didn't you try and stop me? Peter: Because your request 'let's make a little movie' implied you didn't want me. Manny: Why are you being like this? Peter: I want to see you again. Manny: Peter, my best friend since daycare likes you and she's really lovely. Peter: Yeah, but she's not you. Manny: Last night was what it was and nothing more and I'm trusting you that it stays between us. Peter: First chance I get I'll erase everything. It'll be our little secret. Ellie is playing drums with utensils in the cafeteria and Craig walks right by her Marco: So, you and Craig are best friends all summer. Ellie: Regrettably. Marco: And you develop a cute little crush. Ellie: Marco! Marco: And he says a few mean words to you and... Ellie: Two! He said two mean words after I bust my kilt to throw him a party. Marco: So what, we're not gonna hang out? Ellie: (Says it loudly so Craig can hear) Not until he apologizes! Marco: Okay. Look we have band practice scheduled for tomorrow night. Ellie: Didn't Craig say he'd never let Spinner back in the band? Marco: He hasn't and Spinner isn't, which leaves us without a drummer. Ellie: Hey I just started drumming again. I haven't drummed since I was like ten. Marco: Yeah, but you know how to drum. An immediate improvement over Spinner and you've been in a band before. So maybe it's time you think about joining a new one. In a classroom Emma: You told him I liked him? Manny: Sort of. Emma: So now instead of just being tongue tied in front of him, now I'll actually have to barf on his shoes. Manny: No. No, I, I think he was kind of into you. I told him you were lovely. Emma: Really? Well sorry I was snotty earlier. You are so good. Ms. Hatzilakos: Manny. Your mother's here to see you. In the school hallway, Manny and her mom are sitting down while Emma walks over to them Manny: I couldn't come home mom. Not after last night. Mrs. Santos: So you decided to make your father's temper even worse? Manny: I'm the one who should be angry. He called me a slut. Mrs. Santos: Until you swear to do what he says and give up acting your father's temper will only get worse. He'll get more angry. Manny: I can't. I won't. Mrs. Santos: Then you can stay at Emma's. Emma: I'm sure it's not a problem. Manny: So I can't come home? Mrs. Santos: Not yet. Not until you are ready. In Ms. Kwan's classroom, Ellie walks in late and sits behind Craig Ms. Kwan: A smart reader uses strategies before she reads to preview the text and to activate their prior knowledge of the topic. A smart reader also tracts and reports ideas as they read them. Smart readers also know that reading plays a vital role in learning. (She keeps talking while Craig and Ellie talk) Craig: Stop staring. Ellie: Stop being an ass. Craig: Do you know how humiliating it was to find out, in public, that my girlfriend dumped me by e-mail? Ellie: Oh. Oh you're forgetting on your birthday. It's a pretty good detail too. Ashley wanted to tell you herself. She wanted to wait until the time was right. She was... concerned. Craig: That I'd go off my meds and go all crazy. I'm fine. You know I'm fine. We hung out all summer and I don't need you protecting me. Ellie: All this anger is for Ashley. Buy a ticket, go to London, and freak on her there. In the boy's change room (Manny is searching through Peter's stuff when he walks in the door and sees her.) Peter: Looking for this? So when are we going out? Manny: This isn't funny anymore. Peter: You didn't answer my question. When are we going out? Manny: Peter I am never going to go out with you. I don't like you. To tell you the truth I think you're a freak! (Peter gives Manny a hurt look and turns away.) Manny: Just I need, I need the tape back okay? Peter: Never tell a shopkeeper you're desperate to buy his merchandise 'cause now my price just went up. Manny: What? Peter: There's a new camera I want. HTV 1080i. Runs about $3000. Manny: I don't have that kind of money. Peter: You lie. Plastic surgery ain't covered by health care honey. Manny: But my credit card and my bank card are both with my father. Peter: Well I'm sure you'll think of something. Maybe I'll have to start selling tickets to our little movie. (He plays the video.) Manny: (On the video) I'm going to be an actress. Academy award winning actress and you can sell this for a million dollars because I am gonna be famous! In the cafeteria, Ellie walks past Marco and over to Paige and Hazel Marco: Hey. Hey El! Ellie: Sorry new friends. Paige: I won't get into kindergarten with my resume. Ellie: Um can I sit here? Paige: Um sure hon. Hazel: You have plenty of extracurrics to put on your university ap. Paige: Yeah. Spirit squad, spirit squad and more spirit squad. Does that sound well-rounded to you? Ellie: Hell Hath No Fury. Paige: I said you could sit here, not spout kooky, dark girl clich s at me. Ellie: I'm talking about our band. Why don't we start it up again? Paige: On top of helming spirit squad we're a little booked up right now. Ellie: You want to be an ad executive right? (Paige nods.) Ellie: Don't you think your resume could use something creative? Paige: See Hazel. That is helpful. She is a helpful friend...person. At the plastic surgeon's office Manny: So I need my money back. My parents won't let me do the surgery. Dr. Andres: I'm aware of that. The procedures been cancelled. Manny: Great! Then about my money? Dr. Andres: Uh it's taken care of. We've already refunded your credit card. Manny: No I don't keep that card. My parents do. I need cash. Dr. Andres: I'm sorry. That's not how it works. Manny: It's my money, Dr. Andres! (He walks over to the door and opens it for her.) Manny: I'm not moving. Dr. Andres: I can always call security. (She leaves.) At Emma's house, Emma and Manny are in bed trying to sleep Manny: Em? Emma: Mm hmm? Manny: Whatever happens tomorrow, remember I love you. I'm always gonna be your friend. Emma: Okay. Are we going to school tomorrow or are we shipping off to Iraq? Go to sleep. Outside the school Manny: Hey. Look I don't have the money so I'll just go out with you okay? Peter: You called me a freak Manny, so no thank you. That offer's expired. So now our little movie's gonna be released in select theatres. (He plays part of the clip and Manny tries to grab it from him.) Manny: Why are you like this? Why are you trying to hurt me for no reason? Peter: You asked me to put the camera on after I told you to go home. Manny: You took advantage of me. Peter: You want to know what I think? I think you're so desperate for male attention you'll do anything for it. You're a big fat attention whore. (Manny flips his lunch tray all over him.) Peter: Attention whore with a bad temper. Manny: That's not me. Peter: Most girls don't whip their boobs out to guys they've known for five minutes. I'm so glad my dad got me this model. Such a generous guy. Can you believe I can e-mail it right through here? Manny: Peter! That wasn't! You didn't! Peter! Peter: You're gonna be a big star Manny and I get to say I knew you when! (Manny walks into the school and sees JT and Toby looking at a laptop and laughing.) JT: Isn't that hilarious? Oh my god. Manny: Hey guys. What you watching? JT: Okay here check this out. Ready? It's a monkey smelling his own butt. It's classic. [SCENE_BREAK] In the media immersion lab, Jimmy starts playing the video on his computer Jimmy: Hey man, did you check your e-mail? Craig: Uh no. Jimmy: Check it. Check the one that says 'Degrassi Girls Gone Wild'. (It starts playing everywhere in the room at different times and everyone is watching it.) Jimmy: Mm. Manny Santos my how you've grown. Craig: Shut up man. That's not funny. (Craig covers his eyes, but peeks through a couple of his fingers.) In the gymnasium, during spirit squad tryouts Manny: Hey guys thanks for coming out. We're gonna start with something simple just to see if you can move. (A few girls walk in laughing.) Manny: You're late. Paige: Okay small girls with the grace phobes camel(?). Chante: Guess you haven't seen Degrassi Girls Gone Wild! (The girls pretend to lift their shirts up.) Chante: There's a video of Manny doing something she shouldn't be doing. Paige: You mean? Manny: No! No. It's not that bad. It's just...lift your shirt for the camera kind of bad. Paige: Well you obviously can't be on spirit squad this year. Manny: Paige! Paige: You're dismissed. Fired. Whatever. (Manny runs into the hall and sees Emma.) Manny: Em! Emma: You think I don't recognize what you were wearing or the background? I know who you did that with. Manny: Emma I didn't! I have to explain. Emma: Don't bother. (She turns to walk away.) Manny: Emma! Emma: I hate you. In a classroom Ellie: Guys I wrote it in physics, but it's not about vectors. It's our new song. Paige: We don't have time for this. Ellie: I thought you needed more extracurriculars? Hazel: We signed up for yearbook, girls athletic association and prom committee this morning. Paige: Plus we have a topless cheerleader crisis. Have you not seen Manny Santos movie of the week? Ellie: I've seen it, but I don't get why it means you have to quit the band. Paige: Sweetie. We were never really in the band. That was just an Ellie Nash fantasy. We're dealing with reality here. This is serious. Hazel: Why don't you join Craig's band? I hear they're looking for a new drummer. At Manny's house Manny: Mom? (Her mom nods at her to come in.) Manny: Dad? Mr. Santos: What does she want? Mrs. Santos: Ask her Joseph and listen to what she tells you. Manny: Dad I had a great time last summer. I got to be in a movie and in front of a camera and for the first time in my life I felt good. Like I mattered. Like I wasn't a joke. Please don't take that away from me. Mr. Santos: We did not come to this country so you could become some actress. It's not a job for a decent girl. Manny: It is too. You don't know what you're talking about. Mr. Santos: Enough! You will do what I say. Manny: I can't. You can't ask me. Mr. Santos: You tell her. You tell that girl this is no longer her home. Mrs. Santos: Joseph! Mr. Santos: Tell her! In Craig's garage, Craig is playing guitar when Ellie walks in Craig: You here to see Marco? He's not here yet. Ellie: I'm here to see you. (Craig starts playing his guitar again.) Ellie: Craig! Craig! We hung out all summer and I know you're okay now and it was so, so stupid of me to try and protect you. I should have just told you. Sorry. Craig: Cool. Ellie: That's it? Craig: That's it. (He walks away and stops.) Craig: I, I can feel them, you know? Your eyes burning a hole in my back. I'm sorry too. I overreacted, okay? So there. Better? Ellie: Not really. Craig: So what do we do? Ellie: Well I heard you're in between drummers. Craig: You heard right. Know any? Ellie: I happen to be in between bands. Maybe I should sit in? Craig: I got to warn you El. We suck, huge. Ellie: Oldest rule of music Craig. Band's only as good as its drummer. (She starts playing the drums impressively.) Craig: Okay you'll fit in fine. Outside Emma's house, Manny walks over and Emma stands up to go inside Manny: Em just hear me out. (Emma turns around.) Manny: Here are the clothes that you lent me. I know I have other stuff of yours too, but- Emma: You probably lost it all. Manny: But I got kicked out. I don't know for how long. Maybe for good. Em I screwed up, so bad. I lost my family, my reputation and my best friend. Emma: Just wait. Manny it's hard to watch you sometimes. You have everything going for you and you just keep screwing it up pretty spectacularly. Manny: It'd be easier if I was you Em. Skinny, blonde... Emma: Manny that is a bunch of crap and you know it. That is not what this is about. Outside the school, Manny and Emma are walking and Manny turns to leave when she hears people talking about her Emma: Manny! We have to do this. (Manny and Emma hold hands and walk inside together.) Peter: Look just so you know I didn't send it to the whole room. I just showed it to a couple friends. Manny: Remind me to thank you. Ms. Hatzilakos: Peter! Peter: Talking to a friend mom. Later! Ms. Hatzilakos: Don't use that tone of voice with me here. This is my school. I am your principal. In my office now. (They start walking away as Manny and Emma watch them.) Ms. Hatzilakos: I'm so ashamed, I can't even look at you. How could you do something so heartless? Emma: Did you know he's Hatzilakos' son? Manny: No he didn't tell me. I don't think he told anyone. Emma: I wonder who his father is. Manny: Satan probably. Emma: Manny I know you're going through hell right now and I don't want to add to it, but you and I need some ground rules. Manny: I thought we went over ground rules with Mr. Simpson. Nothing below an A, no acting work beyond the drama club, no plastic surgery. Emma: I know. I don't mean that stuff. I mean between you and me. No more lies ever, okay? There will be nothing between us. Manny: Okay, promise. (Emma hugs her.) Emma: So you ready to face your first class? Manny: Not even remotely. Scenes for next week Paige: Boyfriend, university. Everything is in place. Nothing can ruin my perfect future. Voiceover: Is Paige's attitude too much? Alex: Paige likes to decide what's best for people and jam it down their throats. Paige: What is your problem? Alex: Your judgemental self. Voiceover: But she'll do anything to convince people she's right. (Alex and Paige are shown outside smoking up.) Alex: How very un-you of you.

When Manny rejects him, Peter releases the video of Manny flashing her breasts to the entire student body, which causes her whole life to fall apart. Meanwhile, Ellie and Craig are still mad at each other but later form a connection when she becomes Downtown Sasquatch's new drummer.

fd_The_Office_05x07

fd_The_Office_05x07_0

Michael: Hey, sport. Dwight: I heard someone got engaged, you dog, huh? [punches Michael's shoulder] Michael: Ow! God! Dwight: Oh, nothing can hurt you now. You're a man in love! [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: I was there. That dude is not engaged. I'm not a big believer in therapy, but I'll go into my own pocket to cover his co-pay. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Big idea: double wedding. Me, Angela, you, Holly. Michael: No, we would never do that. And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam. Jim: Yeah, we'd never do that. Michael: Yeah, so there you go. Kelly: [enters Michael's office] Michael, I got my bridesmaid dress. Michael: Oh, wow, so quickly. Kelly: Yeah, and you said I could get it in any color I wanted, so I picked white. Kevin: Michael, did you tell your mom yet? Michael: Nope. Nope. Not yet. Jim: You wouldn't tell your mom? Kevin: You love your mom. Kelly: Call your mom, Michael. [everyone talking] Michael: I'll call her later. Group: [chanting and clapping] Call her! Call her! Michael: I don't want to do that. [chanting continues] All right. [picks up phone and dials] She is going to freak out! Andy: [punches button] Speakerphone! Michael: That's -- thanks. Mother: [on speakerphone] Hello? Michael: Mom, I'm getting married. Mother: No, you're not. Michael: Why do you always do that? Whenever I'm getting married, you don't believe me. Mother: Well, are you getting married? Michael: No. [laughs] Mother: Are you-- [Michael ends call] Michael: I'm not, I'm not getting married. So... [laughs] Psych. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: So I returned my bridesmaid dress, and it was on sale, so I'm out $100. Michael: And I'm out a fiancee. Are those the customer surveys? Kelly: Yeah, uh, this is all of them: Jim, Dwight, Phyllis, Stanley, Andy and -- oh. Oh, it's the receipt to my bridesmaid dress. What's that doing there? [hands stack of papers to Michael] Michael: I'll take care of that for you. [crumples receipt and throws it in trash] Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor's List. "Schindler's List" parody. ... That's not appropriate, no. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Those reports affect our bonuses, which is kind of great for me, because you wouldn't know it from looking at her, but Pam's a gold-digger. Pam: [on Bluetooth speaker] Hey, New York ain't free. Get back to work. Jim: Aww. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: It's the world's tiniest Bluetooth. I found it in a Japanese gadget store in the village. I got one for Jim, too. Jim, say something. Jim: [on Bluetooth] Testing, testing. Hello, everybody. Pam: We wanted to stay on the phone all day, but the company has a policy against eight-hour personal calls. So we're not telling anyone. Alex: Uh, Pam. What do you want on your coffee? Jim and Pam: Sprinkle of cinnamon. Pam: I should go. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Alrighty, Dwighty, let's see how you did. Dwight: Bring it on. [starts to put foot up on Michael's desk] Michael: No. Dwight: Sorry. Michael: Wow. Dwight: What does it say? Michael: Dwight, your feedback is horrible. Dwight: That's impossible. Michael: A number of your clients found your personal style abrasive and distasteful. Dwight: I sell more paper than anyone. [stands and reaches for the file] Michael: No, no, no, no, no. Dwight: Wait, is this a joke? I'm getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes. Michael: Do I look like I am joking? Dwight: No, but that's sometimes part of it. Michael: If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing? Dwight: Impossible to say. I can't see myself. Michael: You're not. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Yo, Tommy Tuna, did you get your scores yet? Jim: Nope. Andy: I got mine. They were really good. Pam: [listening in New York] I miss him. Jim: You must be really proud. Andy: Yeah, pretty psyched. Whoa! That's my mug. Jim: Oh, sorry. It was just -- it was right here. Andy: Right, well, it's mine, so if you could pour it out and get another one. Jim: OK. Or maybe I could finish the coffee that's in here and you could use [finds a mug] uh, oh -- Snoopy. Pam: Don't give him Snoopy. That's mine. Andy: [smiles] It is a great mug. But it's not my mug. That is my mug. So give it back. Jim: How can you even be sure? Andy: It has my face on it. Jim: [holds mug next to Andy's head] Make the face. [Andy smiles] Yeah, I don't see it. Andy: Dude, that is my face! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [Dwight slams something on desk] What was that? Jim: Wow. That was Dwight. He seems upset about something. Pam: Describe him exactly. What color mustard is his shirt? Yellow or Dijon? Jim: It is... more of a spicy brown, actually. Dwight: What are you mumbling about? Jim: How was your meeting with Michael? Dwight: None of your business. Jim: Was it your scores? Dwight: Those can't be my scores, Jim. For your information -- Jim: Mm-hmm. Dwight: I'm being sabotaged. Jim: Of course. Dwight: And I'm going to find that person and punish them. Jim: Absolutely. Or you could just be nice to your customers. Dwight: You're an idiot. Jim: There's the charm. Michael: Jimbo, let's do this thang. Jim: That is me. Wish me luck. Dwight: No way. Pam: [whispers on bluetooth] Good luck. Jim: Thanks. Dwight: I didn't say anything Pam: I love you. Jim: I love you, too. Dwight: What do you think I am saying to you?! Jim: I'm not talking to you. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I've caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend, loser. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [on phone] Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. It's really gorgeous. You guys do great work. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I found the best tentist on the east coast. He personally tented Giuliani's first and third weddings. And I got him. [shakes fist] I got him! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [on phone] Would you be able to do the same design, but with walls of gray? And a top that's gray too? Fabulous. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh, come on. Jim: What? Michael: You too? Jim: Did my scores drop a little? Michael: Jim, they are a poopy. [Jim coughs, presses button to end call on Bluetooth] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [touches ear] Jim? Jim? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Are we even sure that's my file? Michael: No. [glances at it] Yes, I am sure, Jim. It -- Jim: Well, there's got to be an explanation. Michael: I agree. Jim: Yeah. Michael: So let's see what we can find out from reading. [reads] Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant. Jim: I think you mean smug Michael: [points at Jim] Arrogance. Jim: Michael, I'm just trying to -- Michael: And there's our smudgeness. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I need a decent bonus, because I'm actually in the process of buying my parents' house so that they can retire. And if history tells us anything, it's that you can't go wrong buying a house you can't afford. Pam doesn't know about the house, so it's... a fun surprise. [taps Bluetooth earpiece] Pam, sorry about that. I lost you for a second. So, as it turns out, I may not have done so hot on my customer reviews this year. Pam: Maybe it's because you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist. Jim: A little bit. ... Worth it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Here's what's going to happen. I am going to have to fix you, manage you two on a more personal scale, a more micro form of management. Jim, what is that called? Jim: Microgement. Michael: Boom! Yes. Now, Jim is going to be the client. Dwight, you're going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile or difficult. Let's go. Dwight: All right, fine. [picks up phone] Brrring. Jim: [picks up phone] Hello? Dwight: Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company. Jim: Wow, that's great, because I need paper. Dwight: Excellent, then you are in luck, because we are having a limited-time offer only on everything. Jim: Wow, this is my lucky day. Michael: [whispers] Ask him his name. Dwight: What is your name, sir? Jim: I am Bill Buttlicker. Dwight: Really, that's your real name? Jim: How dare you? My family built this country, by the way. Michael: Be respectful, Dwight. Dwight: Yes, Michael. Jim: Would you hold on one second? That's my other line. Dwight: What? No, but I -- Jim: Hello? [laughs] No, I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman. He's so dumb. Probably just gonna keep him on the line forever and not buy anything. Yeah, OK. [punches button on phone] Michael: It's up to you to change his mind. Jim: Sorry. That was a family emergency. Dwight: Oh, no. What's wrong? Jim: You know what? That's private. Michael: Boundaries, Dwight. Come on! Dwight: Sorry, Mr. Buttlicker. As I was saying, we're having a limited-- Jim: Sorry, you're going to have to speak up a little bit louder. I'm hard of hearing. Michael: He's hard of -- he's an old man. Let's go. Dwight: OK, as I was saying, right now we are having -- Jim: You're gonna have to talk louder. Dwight: OK, our prices have never been lower. Jim: Son, you have to talk louder. Dwight: ...never been lower! Jim: Louder, son! Dwight: [shouting] Buttlicker! Our prices have never been lower! Michael: Stop it! Stop it! Dwight: He -- Michael: That is totally inappropriate. You never yell at the client. You never yell at the client. Jim: Now, you listen to me, sir. Michael: Here we go. Jim: The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult. Michael: Give me the phone. Dwight: Please, Mr. Buttlicker -- Jim: I'm irate right now. Michael: Give me the phone. Dwight: Please give me another chance. Mr. Buttlicker. Michael: Give me the phone. Give me the phone. Dwight: I have to put you on with my boss. Jim: Well, I should hope so. [Michael takes phone] Who is this? Michael: Hello, this is Michael Scott, regional manager. Jim: Well, this is William M. Buttlicker. Michael: Hello, Mr. Buttlicker. How may we help you? Jim: Michael, I like the sound of your voice. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to buy one million dollars worth of paper products today. Dwight: [shakes fist, whispers] Yeah! Michael: [covers phone, whispers to Dwight] See how it's done? [into phone] Thank you very much, sir. I don't think you'll regret it. [to Dwight] See what I did? Dwight: You are the master. Jim: There is one condition, Michael. Michael: Yes. Jim: You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly. Dwight: Don't do it, Michael. Michael: ... [whispers] It's a million-dollar sale. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: So it's called the Shangri-La Tent. It's two stories, heated and has a bridal suite for my bridal sweet. It's just really simple, really tasteful. Angela: I don't want to be married in a tent like a hobo Andy: Hobos live in trains. Angela: Nana Mimi can't be in canvas that long. Andy: Well, Nana Mim -- Ahh. OK, look. This tent is awesome. And it's in high demand, so I really think we should put a deposit down now. Angela: OK fine you can have your tent, but only if it's in a field, a hand-plowed field Andy: Done and done-er. Angela: There has to be a barn that's old enough that you can see the stars through the roof slats when you lay on your back. And antique tools to look at when you roll over. Andy: Do you have a specific place in mind? Angela: No. But anything within a five- to eight-mile radius is acceptable. Andy: On it! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Dwight. Dwight. [Dwight's car comes screeching into view] Dwight: Get in! Jim: Are you serious? Dwight: Get in! [he peels off into parking space] Jim: OK, what are you -- Dwight: Shh. [turns radio up loud, playing "Centerfold."] They might be listening to us. Jim: What's that? Dwight: They might be listening to us Jim: Who's they? Dwight : Customer service might be monitoring this conversation. Jim: In this car? Dwight: You never know. Better safe than sorry. Jim: [turns radio down] What are you thinking? Dwight: Who stands to benefit from our downfall? Jim: The mob, maybe NASA. Dwight: Could be the mob. But then Dunder-Mifflin would need to be a front for money laundering, and there's little evidence of that. Jim: Is there some evidence? Pam: [on Bluetooth] Ooh, cute shoes online. Jim: How many shoes do you need? Dwight: I don't know. Two, maybe three if one wears out. How many shoes do you need? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I'm not talking to you. Dwight: Who are you talking to? Jim: Pam. Dwight: She's not here, Jim. Jim: No, she's not. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [in New York, humming to herself to the tune of "Centerfold"] Na na na na na. Na na na na na na na. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [at computer, spins chair around and makes triumphant gesture] Yes! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I found it. I found the perfect place. A local bed-and-breakfast on a 60-acre beet farm. And even better, I have an in with the owner. Oh, yeah. We work together. It's Dwight Schrute. As in Schrute Farms. [SCENE_BREAK] Customer: [on phone] So I'd like to redouble my order, if you could put me down for, um -- Dwight: Wait, shut up. Customer: I'm sorry? Dwight: Shh. Do you hear that? Customer: Hear what? Dwight: Breathing. Is that you? Customer: Well, I am breathing, yes. Dwight: Well, stop. Hold your breath. I still hear it. Who's there? Kelly, is that you? Hold on. [puts down phone and runs away] Customer: I need paper. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [jumps into Kelly's area] Ha! [Kelly screams in surprise] Kelly: Oh, my God. You scared me. Dwight: Hear anything interesting? Kelly: What are you talking about? Dwight: [laughs] I think you know. Kelly: You always say that, and I almost never know. Dwight: What are you up to, girl? Huh? Phyllis put you up to this? Stanley? Are they paying you? Kelly: Are you accusing me of something? Dwight: Of course I am. I know you're the mastermind, but you're too stupid to do it by yourself. Jim: [behind Dwight][/b]: OK. Dwight: [surprised] Ah! Jim: Easy. Dwight: OK. Jim: Let's just -- Let's head back to the desk. Kelly: You just can't come into my nook and call me stupid. And maybe if you were a little bit more nice and polite, then people wouldn't give you such bad customer reviews. Dwight: The reason that I got bad customer reviews is because I didn't! There is a massive conspiracy going on here, and I know you're involved. Kelly: Dwight, get out of my nook! Pam: [in New York] That's what she said! That's what she said! That's what she said! Jim: Good one. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [enters breakroom] Hey. Sorry about Dwight, by the way. Kelly: Yeah, he's weird. Jim: Well, we all handle it differently. I personally choose to handle it like a normal person, but... Kelly: OK. Jim: Hey, how are you and Darryl? Kelly: Um, we're cool. [gets up to leave] Bye. Jim: Bye. Pam: [on Bluetooth] That was weird. Jim: What was? Pam: Have you ever had a conversation with Kelly where she didn't go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath? Jim: No, actually. Pam: Did you do something to her? Jim: I don't think so. Pam: Well, something's off. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey, how's things? Ryan: All right. Jim: Yeah? Ryan: Living in the moment. Jim: Do you have any reason to believe that Kelly would be mad at me? Ryan: I don't play the politics game anymore, Jim. Can I tell you something? I played it full on in New York. I played it high stakes. For keeps. Made it to the top. But look what it cost. [takes sip of coffee] Can I tell you what else I learned? Jim: Wait, that's pretty weird. Ryan: What? Jim: Well, Andy has a mug just like that. Ryan: Oh, yeah, Kelly gave them out as party favors. Remember? You got one. Jim: No. What party? Ryan: Her America's Got Talent finale party over the summer. [Jim makes face] That's crazy. It was packed. I thought everyone was there. You were there. I remember you being there. Jim: I wasn't. But thank you. [to Pam] Do you know anything about this party? Pam: Yes, I said you definitely should go, but you wanted to visit me instead. Jim: Well, I can't be the only one who didn't -- [sees mugs on Angela's and Meredith's desks] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [walks quickly to break room, opens cabinet and finds mugs of Oscar, Creed and Phyllis] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Dwight, let me see your coffee cup. Dwight: No. [holds Sheriff's Department mug protectively] Jim: Is that it? Dwight: No. Why? No. [puts it in desk drawer and slams it shut] Jim: OK, I'm gonna assume that was it. Here's the thing[/b]: I think you're right. I think it was Kelly. I think she's mad at us for not coming to her party. Dwight: Oh, man, I knew it. Who are her co-conspirators? Jim: Probably just Kelly. Dwight: Obviously. I knew it. Jim: That's what I'm saying. Dwight: Yeah. What? Jim: You were right. Dwight: I was -- I was right. Jim: You were right. Dwight: I was right. Jim: You knew it. Dwight: I knew it. Jim: You knew it the whole time, buddy. Dwight: I knew it the whole time, buddy! [shoves Jim] Jim: Wow. Dwight: Yeah! Woo-hoo! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [in New York] Right Dwight is loud. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I knew it! Yeah! Ha-ha! Woo! [kicks near Phyllis' head; she ducks] Boom! Kelly the whole time. Let's get her. Jim: No, no, no, no. Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Let's talk about this. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: What's going on? Michael: Why don't you tell us? Kelly: Nothing's going on. Dwight: Let me paint you a picture of a little girl from southern India, who despite being welcomed into this country will now spend the rest of her life in prison for a crime she did commit. Michael: Dwight. [to Kelly] I was informed by these gentlemen that the reports that you filed may not entirely be accurate. Kelly: What? I -- I don't know what you're talking about. This is the first I'm hearing about this. Dwight: Oh, come on. You juked the stats, cupcake. Jim: We called about a dozen customers, and they all said that they gave us great marks. Michael: What's going on? Kelly: I love your tie, Michael. Michael: [looks momentarily flattered, but thinks better of it] Kelly. Kelly: I was raped. Michael: You cannot say "I was raped" and expect all of your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that. I'll give you one last chance to come clean. Just tell me what happened. Kelly: OK, all right. OK, I did it. All right? I lied, whatever. Just fire me. But you know what? I did it because you guys didn't come to my party, and you said you would try to and then you didn't even show up, and so you're bad friends. Dwight: We have our confession. I'm calling security. [reaches for phone] Michael: Don't. Don't. Get away from that, Dwight, please. You know what? She's got a point about you two. You do have a problem dealing with people. Kelly: See? I wasn't lying. Michael: You were lying. Kelly: I was lying. Michael: Yes. Jim, Dwight, please excuse us. Dwight: I want to be here when you fire her ass. Michael: I will call you when it is time. [Jim and Dwight leave] Michael: I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place. And I hate it. I can't tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I don't even know why I make it in such great quantities. Here's what we're gonna do. We are going to sit here for a while, make it look good. And maybe you should cry. Can you make yourself cry? Kelly: No problem. Michael: I think you should do that. [Kelly starts fake-crying, then laughing, then she and Michael both laugh] [SCENE_BREAK] Alex: Pam Beesley? Pam: Hey, what are you doing here? Jim: Who's that? Pam: It's Alex. Alex: It's Pam. Uh, I came to kidnap you. There's free wine and cheese at the Chuck Close retrospective. Let's go. Jim: Oh, that's gonna be great. Who's Chuck Close? Pam: Oh, I love Chuck Close and his photo-realist paintings. But I have to work. Alex: Uh, well, actually there's something else I'd love to talk to you about. Can we go somewhere else to talk about it? Pam: OK. Jim: That's it. I want to talk to this guy. Put me in his ear. Alex: [in private office] Um. Pam: What's up? Alex: I'm gonna take a big leap and I want to tell you that I think you should not move back to Scranton. Pam: Wow. Jim: I'm gonna make a bigger leap here. He is into you. Alex: Why did you come to New York in the first place? Pam: Because they have a great design program, and I wanted to see if I was any good at it. And I wanted to work on my art, too. Alex: Right. And that's why I think that you should stay here. Because I mean, you -- really you just got here, you know? You can't do New York in three months. You know, it has everything. It has -- all the opportunity is here. All the -- the whole art scene is in New York. You know, it would be nuts to go back to Scranton without getting to fully experience it. Pam: Jim's in Scranton. Alex: I know. But all I'm saying is, if there's even a teeny, tiny part of you that really wants to be an artist, then I think you should stay here, because you don't want to wake up in 50 years and look back and wonder what could have been. And that is the end of my speech. I planned it all. Anyway ... I will see you tomorrow. Pam: I'll see you tomorrow. Alex: OK. [Pam and Jim look worried] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Is that the Matsuhashi B-400? The world's tiniest Bluetooth? [reaches toward Jim's ear] May I? Jim: Don't. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding. Andy: We haven't decided on anything yet. We're still reviewing some options, and it's gonna come down to the numbers. Dwight: Well, then. Why don't you look over some of our materials? [opens album] Andy: Oh. Hmm. Dwight: [looking at Angela] While I describe to you the Excalibur package. In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms, I can promise you that our grounds can be catered to fit your exact specifications. [Angela smiles] I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months and be at your constant disposal. [Andy moves his head into Dwight's view] Please feel free to call or stop by, any time of the day or night. Andy: That's very generous. Dwight: While you, my good friend, have nothing more to worry about. This wedding is officially out of your hands. Andy: Oh, thank the good Lord. Deal! [shakes Dwight's hand] Dwight: OK. Andy: Um, what are we talking price wise? Dwight: You already said deal. Angela: Pay him whatever he wants. Andy: Can't argue with that. Dwight ... [takes Angela's hand] You are going to make us so happy. [Dwight and Angela grin at each other]

Dwight and Jim are shocked when they receive poor marks on their annual customer survey reports. They learn that Kelly has sabotaged their scores for blowing off her America's Got Talent wrap party. Kelly and a sympathetic Michael relish their discomfort. Through Angela's manipulations, she and Andy book their wedding at Schrute Farms B&B. Pam and Jim spend every minute together using their Bluetooth phones, including Jim overhearing Pam's friend Alex asking her to stay in New York.

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_02x08

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_02x08_0

The apartment. Ted from 2030: And so, after six months apart, Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall were finally back together. Lily: Oh, my God. These pancakes are delicious! Marshall: Yes! Thank you. Uhm, I learned how to cook while you were gone this summer. Lily: Oh. Do you want to cook dinner tonight? Marshall: Yeah, sure. How about pancakes? Ted from 2030: And things were back to normal... Almost. Lily: You may not have much range, but at least I'm marrying a guy who knows how to make pancakes. Marshall: Oh, uhm... Lily: I mean, uhm... Well, I... I realize that we haven't really discussed whether us getting back together means us getting married, but... I still wanna. Do you still wanna? Marshall: Really? Lily: Of course, I love you. Marshall: No, I mean, that's how you're gonna do it? "Do you still wanna?" That's like the lamest proposal ever. When I did it, I got down on my knees... I don't know, I'm just saying. Lily (getting down on one knee): Marshall Eriksen, will you ma... Marshall: No, no, no, no, no, no. Lily: What?! Marshall: You can't lead with that. You got to... build up to that. You got to have, like, a little speech. Lily: Do you remember your proposal to me? (She puts her hand on her eye) Marshall: I had a speech prepared. Lily: What do you want to hear? Marshall: I don't know. I mean, you could tell me, like, about how good-looking and funny and smart I am and I've been working out lately. It might be nice for you to mention something about that. Lily: Marshall... You are good-looking... Marshall: Thank you. Lily: Funny... Marshall: Oh, thanks. Lily: Smart... Marshall: And a few tears wouldn't hurt. Lily: Okay, would you freakin' marry me already? Marshall: I'll marry you. Of course. But, uhm, until you see a ring on this finger, don't expect me to put out. Lily: Yeah, right. (They kiss) CREDIT TITLES The apartment. Marshall and Lily straighten after they had s*x on the kitchen floor. Marshall: I'll give you this. That was a very creative use of syrup. Lily: I can't even look Mrs. Butterworth in the eye. Oh, my God. We're getting married! Marshall: I know, I know. Ted from 2030: It was a moment of happiness, followed of course by a moment of total panic. See, when they called off their first wedding, Aunt Lily took off for San Francisco leaving Uncle Marshall with the unfortunate task of telling his entire family. [FLASHBACK]Marshall (on the phone): Yeah, so now she's gone and the wedding's off. What do you call someone who just takes off and leaves like that? What do you call that? I think that that's a little strong. I can't even believe you would use a word like that. Geez, Grandma. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Man, I made a big mess by canceling this wedding, didn't I? Marshall: It's okay, baby. You're not just realizing that now, are you? Lily: God, the idea of standing up there in front of all those people who hate my guts... Just makes me want to run off to Atlantic City and get married today. Marshall: Yeah... Metro News One station. Robin: Coming up at 11:00: Are there piranhas in the East River? What you don't know... could eat you. Marshall: Robin! Stop the news! Woman: What the hell? Robin: It's okay. They're my friends. Lily: We're going to Atlantic City to elope. You got to come with us. Robin: Oh, my God, that is so fantastic! I don't know if I can just leave work. Woman: It's okay, Mike can read the news tonight. (To the cameraman) Hey, Mike... You can read, right? Mike: Yeah, I'm the best at reading. Robin: Let's go to Atlantic City! All: Yeah! Ted's office. Ted: You guys are eloping! Oh, that's fantastic. Wait, is this because there's a time crunch Uncle Ted should know about? Lily: I hope not because I plan on getting hammered. Ted: Guys, this sounds like so much fun, but I can't really take off work. I'm kind of important around here, you know? I'm the project manager. Lily: Ted, for the rest of our lives, we are going to be telling the amazing story of how we went to Atlantic City and got married. Don't you want to be in that story? Ted: Of course I do. Let's go to Atlantic City! Marshall: Yeah! Ted: Oh, but when we tell the story, can you leave out the part where I hesitate? Marshall: You got it. Pedicure's place. Barney: Hey, guys. Ted: Wow. A pedicure. Barney: Uh, if there were any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don't think there would have been a feature about it in Details magazine. Lily: We're going to Atlantic City to elope right now! Barney: Oh, congratulations, Lily. Marshall, you're getting married? What the hell? Marshall: So are you in or not? Barney: Hell, yeah, I'm in! Just... I'm almost done. Marshall: No, we got to get going to the... Lily: Well, actually, I mean... It is my wedding day, and since we're here... Ted from 2030: So we all got a pedicure and then headed down... to Atlantic City. A casino in Atlantic City. Lily: Wow. Look at this place. I guess I'll have my pick of something old. Marshall: And something blue. Somebody should really check on this lady. Barney: Ah, A.C., always in decline, never hitting bottom. It's good to be back, old friend. Ted: You been here before? Barney: Oh, uh, once or twice. Chinese 1: Barney! Barney: Ah, good to see you, too. Three times, maybe. Lily: The wedding chapel... This is it. Are you ready to do this? Marshall: I'm ready. Let's get married. Barney, Ted and Robin: Yeah. Lily: Oh, crap. I don't have a veil. I'm a bride, I can't get married without a veil. And a bouquet. I need a veil and a bouquet. Oh, my God, we're getting married. Robin: Don't worry. Relax. We'll get you a veil, honey. Lily: Oh, Robin, that's a really cute outfit. Robin: Oh, really? Thanks. Lily: Yeah, it has to go. I'm the bride, you can't look better than me. Robin: Done. (She leaves) Lily: I'm going to get the bouquet. You guys get the veil. We'll meet in the chapel in 20 minutes. Ready? Break. (She leaves) Ted: You guys want to go gamble? Marshall: No, we got to go get the veil. Ted: Or we looked everywhere, and we couldn't find one. Marshall: Yeah, okay. Barney: No, you guys go ahead. I'm going to find the veil. (He leaves) Ted: So this is it, right? The last 20 minutes of your single life. I'm proud of you, buddy. Marshall: Thanks. Ted: How are you feeling? Marshall: Great, a little nervous. Ted: Yeah? Craps? Marshall: Not that nervous. Ted: No, I mean do you want to play craps. Marshall: Oh, yeah, definitely. Barney: Okay, I got the veil. She wasn't ready to be married. All right, let's talk bachelor party. Are we thinking full-on strip club, or should we rent a room and have a private toy show? Ted: What did you just say? Marshall: Barney, no. Barney: Marshall, I'm your best man. Marshall: You're not my best man. Ted: Right here. Barney: And as your best man, I have to throw you a bachelor party. That's part of being a best friend. Marshall: You're not my best friend. Ted: Right here. Marshall: Barney, I don't have any time for a bachelor party. I've got, like, 18 minutes. Ted: 18 minutes... 18 minutes later. Lily: Oh, good. Did you get the veil? Barney: Of course. Marshall: And it took us exactly 18 minutes. We went to a strip club. Ted: Dude! Barney: Unbelievable! Marshall: We weren't there for very long. It's not like I had time to have a lap dance or anything. I got a lap dance. Lily: Your last lap dance ever. Marshall: Right. What? Robin (arriving, wearing a "shirt boobs"): Okay, I'm here. Right? Ted: Oh, God, the things people waste money on in Atlantic City. Robin: Does it smell like strippers in here? Ted: That's weird, right? Marshall and Lily are getting married! Lily: Hell, yeah, look at this. (She turns on her musical bouquet, playing the Wedding March) Marshall: Oh, baby, this is it. Let's do this thing. Lily: Hi. We're here to get married. Woman: Congratulations. We offer a variety of packages to give you the special day you've always dreamed about. Marshall: We don't want any of that. Just your basic quickie wedding will be fine. Woman: Yeah. You know this isn't Vegas, right? Robin: Well, sure. In Vegas, the casinos pump in oxygen. Here, it looks like everyone brought their own. Ted (looking at Robin's shirt): What? Woman: It also takes three days to get a marriage license in New Jersey. The earliest I could book you for is Monday. Lily: No, no, no, it has to be today. That's the whole point. Woman: Look, I don't know what to say, but if you guys don't want to book a wedding for Monday or play a round of keno, I can't help you. Thirty-five. Ted: Wait, I don't understand, people get married in Atlantic City all the time. Woman: Yes, they do, but they don't elope. They choose Atlantic City for its white sand beaches, world-class amenities, and exotic Riviera feel. Lily: Have you been outside? Ted: There is half an orca whale rotting not 20 feet from the cabana. Marshall: You guys, take it easy, guys. Are you sure about this? Woman: About the marriage laws of the state where I work in a wedding chapel? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Barney: Bright side: the bachelor party continues! Ted: Yes! Continues? You mean "start." He means "start." We went to a strip club. [SCENE_BREAK] Woman: Twenty-seven. Lily: Is there any way that we could get a license today? Woman: You could go to the courthouse. In some extreme circumstances, the waiting period can be waived, but you have to have a good reason. Lily: Well, we're in love. Marshall: What better reason could there be? Woman: The last one I heard was, "I'm going to Iraq tomorrow to defend my country," but, you know, give yours a whirl. Ted from 2030: So we went to the courthouse. Courthouse. Marshall: God, this is taking forever. Robin (to Ted): Can't believe they're getting married. Ted: I know. I am so proud of these two. After all they've been through. In fact, that crazy road has led them all the way here to Atlantic City... Robin: Ted, up here. Ted: Uhm? Robin: You were just staring at my shirt boobs. Ted: No! I wasn't. I was checking out the hot body underneath the shirt. Okay, look, maybe I was looking at your shirt, but it's a, it's a funny, funny shirt. Chinese 2: Hey, it's Barney! Barney! Barney: Hi. Chinese 2: (speaks Chinese language)...suit up! (both speak Chinese language) Legen-...-dary! Barney: See you. Ted: What the hell was that? Barney: A... Chinese guy? Marshall: Hi. Hello. Uh, we need a marriage license, but we need to skip the waiting period because... We're in love. Woman 2: Aw. I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now. Lily: Oh, really?! Woman 2: Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period, but unfortunately, only a judge can do that. Lily: Oh. Well, so can we see a judge? Woman 2: Absolutely. Lily: Really?! Woman 2: Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't. Marshall: Why are you doing this to us?! Woman 2: 'Cause you're on Candid Camera! Robin: Really?! Woman 2: Is what I would say... Marshall: You know what? We get it. In a corridor, on a bench. Lily: Okay, this is a good plan B. Judges are people. People go to the bathroom. A judge is bound to come by eventually, and we'll get married. I'm sure we won't be waiting long. (Image fading in old people on the bench) Marshall: Geez, you go to a vending machine for 30 seconds. Barney: Vultures. Ted (to Robin): Psst. (They move away) Robin: What? Here? Ted: Yeah. Got a little time to kill. Robin: Oh, my God, it's the T-shirt, isn't it? Ted: No. A little. Robin: Something is seriously wrong with you. Ted: So what, is that a no? Robin: All right, let's do it. Ted: All right. Um, also...? Robin: Yes, I'll leave it on. Ted: Sweet. Barney: Guys, let's bail. This is never gonna happen. Lily: Look, I know this is turning into a bit of a disaster, but believe me, it's better than the alternative. Barney: You throwing a big, free party with lots of booze and food and all your single, desperate girlfriends from college? Yeah, glad we dodged that bullet. Lily: Judge! Judge, come on. Come on, come on, come on! Judge's office. Lily turns on her musical bouquet. Judge: Turn it off. Lily: Okay. May we please get married today? Judge: Now, normally I would say no to a request like that, but you two impress me. Just the fact that you've been together for ten years, standing by each other's side through thick and thin, never wavering. What was that? Lily: What was what? Judge: That little look. What was that? Marshall: A look of love. Judge: You two have stood together through thick and thin, right? Marshall: You know, what's thick? what's thin? Lily: Yeah, I mean, all... yeah. Marshall: I have. Judge: All right, what was that look? What's going on? Barney: They broke up over the summer. Lily totally ran off to San Francisco and these two just had s*x in the closet. What? We're under oath. Ted: No, we're not. Barney: Yeah, we are. He's a judge. Ted: Wh-- Did we take an oath? Do you even know what an oath is? Barney: Uh, yeah. Courthouse. Oath. We're under it. Casino. Marshall: Guys. It's looking like this isn't gonna happen. Lily: No, Marshall, we are gonna get married today. Marshall: Baby, anyplace we go, we're gonna need a marriage license. Lily: Except international waters. So let's find a ship captain. A ship captain can marry us. There's boats all over this place. Ted: Oh, is that what those wooden things are floating between the garbage? Lily: This is a great idea. This is gonna work. Let's go. (To a woman) Excuse me. Are you a ship captain? Woman: This is my machine. Marshall: I should go talk to her. Robin: No, let me. Ted: Blackjack? Marshall: Yeah. Lily: Well, I found a guy who said he'd be willing to put his boat in my slip, so we're getting closer. Robin: Okay, Lil, why is it so important to do this today? Lily: Because... If we don't do it today, I just know we're gonna wind up having a huge wedding with a huge crowd full of huge Midwestern people looking all disapproving and judging me while sipping little cups of mayonnaise and cracking runaway bride jokes all night long. Robin: Nobody's gonna do that. Lily: No, they're not because I'm not gonna give them the chance. I'm gonna find a ship captain and we're gonna be married tonight. Robin: Sweetie, this is crazy. You're never gonna find a ship capt... Marshall: Hey, Lily. Found a ship captain. Lily: What? Ted: Yeah. First guy we talked to. Ship captain. How great is that? Lily: See? See, this is destiny. So, captain, can you take us out to international waters and marry us? Captain: I sure can. If there's two things I love, it's bringing people together in marriage and making $5,000. Marshall: What? Lily: Deal. $5,000, okay, we can do that. Come on, everybody. Fork over your cash. Don't think. Just do it. Barney: I can get us that money. Ted: How? Barney: Have you noticed that all day today Chinese guys have been coming up and saying hi to me? Ted: Yes. Have you noticed I haven't asked about it because I'm too scared of the answer? Barney: Well, those are my old gambling buddies. Truth is... I used to come here all the time. Play an old Chinese game called "Shing Hasabu Shing". Had a small gambling problem. Actually, it wasn't so small. I kind of lost my entire life's savings. But tonight, I don't know, I'm feeling hot. I think I can win us that money. Robin: No, we're not letting you gamble all our money away. Barney: Uh, it's not gambling if you absolutely know you're going to win. I'll get us that money. I swear it, nay... I oath it. Ted from 2030: Now, I had been to a lot of casinos before that night, and I've been to a lot of casinos since, but in all that time I've never seen a game quite like this one. To this day, I have no idea how it was played. But luckily, Barney did. Lily: Do you understand what's happening? Ted: Not a clue. Robin: Do you think he's winning? Ted: I don't even know if he's playing. Marshall: Wait, I get it. I understand this game. Ted: No, you don't. Marshall: I totally understand the game, Theodore. Barney, split your tiles. You can triple your money if you find the jellybean. Barney: Marshall, please. Don't you think I know what I'm... My God, you're right. On the ship. Lily: Wow. It's beautiful. Marshall: Thanks, Barney. Barney: Did you guys see me? I was on fire tonight. Man, I can't wait to get back to the shore. God, I love gambling! Ted: When we get home, we're gonna go to a little meeting. Okay? Barney: Why can't I do it just a little? Lily: Okay. Let's get this started. Captain: Okay, uh... You guys want the serious one or the funny one? Oh, I think. Serious would be best. Captain: You sure? I got a lot of great nautical jokes in there. Like how you two float each other's boat, stuff like that. Marshall: Yeah, serious is probably good. Captain: "We stand witness today to celebrate the union of Lily and Marshall. Today, you two will become one, sharing your lives, the happiness, the sadness, the frustrations and the joy..." Ted: This is pretty cool. I can't believe you never want to get married. Robin: I never said "never." Captain: "...to declare your love and devotion to each other in front of friends and family, all the people who matter most to you." What was that? Marshall: What was what? Captain: That little look. You two just shared a look. Lily: We don't want to do this. Marshall: We don't. Ted: Are you kidding me? You guys are calling off another wedding? Robin: After I spent all this money on a bridesmaid shirt? Barney: Did I bet someone that they'd call it off? I did, didn't I? Who'd I bet? Ted: You actually expect any of us are gonna come to your third wedding? Lily: Yes. Because it's gonna be amazing. Look, before I was afraid to face Marshall's family and I didn't want to do all that work, but... Now that we're here... I realize that I have to face Marshall's family and I really want to do all that work. Marshall: So do I. And yeah... My family might still be upset with you. But when they see us up there, they're gonna see how much we love each other and none of that other stuff is gonna matter. Lily: I love you, Marshmallow. Marshall: I love you, too, Lilypad. Captain: I now pronounce you man and wife. Lily: What?! Captain: Is that not right? Marshall: Are... we married? Did you just marry us? Weren't you listening? We don't want to be married. Captain: Uh... I-I suppose I could unpronounce you. Both Marshall and Lily: Unpronounce us! Unpronounce us! Captain: All right, I unpronounce you man and wife. Lily: Oh, whew... That was close. Ted from 2030: And that's the story of how Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily got married for 12 seconds somewhere off the coast of Atlantic City. The apartment. Ted (wearing Robin's shirt boobs): Hey, guys. Marshall: Hey... Ted. Lily: Is Robin here? Marshall: Man, I hope so.

Marshall and Lily, together again, decide to elope to Atlantic City, and they gather Barney, Ted and Robin to take part in the wedding.

fd_Charmed_03x15

fd_Charmed_03x15_0

[Scene: Manor. Prue and Phoebe are putting a floral arch in place for the wedding. Grams' spirit is standing near by.] Phoebe: Okay, that should do it. Grams: I'm thinking more to the left. Uh, is this the biggest arch you could get? Phoebe: Ugh. Prue: Without opening a fast food franchise, yeah. Grams: Well, just remember, if love is the quest then marriage is the conquest. This place must be like victory. Phoebe: And here I thought weddings were supposed to be romantic. Grams: Oh my dear sweet child. Prue: Better listen to grams, Phoebe. I mean, you could always calculate her age by the number of rings on her fingers. (Phoebe laughs.) Alright, wedding arch is done. (She ticks something on her list.) The next thing to do (she yawns) on the To Do list is... Phoebe: Sleep. You've been yawning all day. Prue: Try all week. It's this reoccurring dream I keep having. It's keeping me awake. Phoebe: Really? What's in the dream? Prue: Well, uh, there was this biker guy and he's kinda cute and kinda dangerous. Phoebe: Sounds kinda yummy. (Piper walks in and looks around.) Grams: Piper, sweetie, well, what do you think? Piper: It's-it's beautiful. Phoebe: Yeah, and the best part about it is, it's finally happening. (Piper sighs.) Piper: Flowers and bows and grams. The only thing missing is... Prue: Mum. Piper: Grams, are you sure that you can't do... Grams: No, nothing. I'm only here because you need a high priestess. They want me back by the witching hour tomorrow. Phoebe: I thought maybe this could help. (Phoebe holds up a photo of Patty.) Prue: You okay? Piper: Yeah, I just, I can't believe how close I came to sabotaging my own wedding. Phoebe: What do you mean? Piper: Well, with the demons and the false start and 'them' I, you know, I told myself if one more thing went wrong then it just maybe wasn't meant to be. Grams: Oh, darling, there's no need to think that way. I mean, you made it. Prue: Yeah, and I will personally butt kick any demon who tries to ruin it for you. (Prue yawns.) Phoebe: Not if you're asleep you won't. Come on, I'm tucking you in. Piper: Sweet dreams. Bye. (Prue and Phoebe go upstairs.) Grams: I'll see you tomorrow at 4:00, Mrs. Halliwell. The women keep their names in this family. (Grams disappears. Piper looks around the room.) [Cut to Prue's room. Prue is asleep in bed.] [Cut to Prue's dream. There's a bar. Men are playing pool. The camera pans over to another table. Prue's there playing pool with a couple of biker men.] Prue: Uh-huh. (She sinks a ball.) The more I play, the luckier I get. (She walks around the table.) Alright. (She sinks another ball.) So that would be, uh, twenty bucks that you owe me. Biker #1: I never agreed to no bet. (A cute guy approaches them. His name is TJ.) TJ: Rules of the house say loser pays twenty bucks. Maybe you want me to take you out front and teach you those rules. Biker #1: Alright. (He hands her the $20.) Prue: Thank you. (She tucks it inside her bra.) (to TJ) So, um, I didn't, I suppose that you want something for helping me. TJ: You could say that. Prue: Well, you'll have to win it just like the rest of them. (He grabs her.) TJ: Maybe I should just take it. Prue: Maybe you should leave me alone. You have no idea who you're dealing with. TJ: Maybe you should show me. (She kisses him.) Prue: Hi. TJ: Sorry I'm late. Prue: Yeah, so am I because now I have to go. (She starts to walk off.) TJ: No, I want you to stay. Prue: Yeah, I know. You know that I can't, alright, I have... TJ: Responsibilities, right. That's what you say every night, then you cut out. Prue: TJ, I would love to leave my responsible half behind but I can't. TJ: You can. What are you gonna miss? Work? Blow it off. There's a freedom that comes with making your own choices. Prue: Yeah, and I wanna know what that's like but... (She kisses him and walks off.) TJ: The least you could do is tell me your name. [Cut to outside the bar. A biker is standing out there. Prue walks past and he stops her.] Biker #1: Hey, you've got my money. Prue: Hey, you have a good memory. Biker #1: Yeah, yeah, maybe I'll just kick it out in trade, huh? Come here. (He touches her and she kicks him in the face. She picks up a piece of wood and hits him in the stomach. He falls to the ground, unconscious.) Prue: No, I don't wanna go. (Prue astral projects out of the scene.) [Cut back to Prue's room. Prue wakes up.] Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Piper's bedroom. Piper is asleep. There are rose petals covering her bed. A chime wakes her up.] Piper: Leo? (She sits up and sees the petals. She giggles and picks up a handful of petals. Phoebe walks in carrying a tray.) Phoebe: Was that just giggling I heard? Piper: Yes, I am guilty of giggling and I am guilty of being happier than any previous romance in my life. Phoebe: Piper, it's your wedding day! Piper: (shyly) I know. Phoebe: Here comes the bridesmaid! (Phoebe jumps on the bed. Prue walks in.) Prue, come play! Prue: Oh, hey. Phoebe: Uh-oh. Another bad dream? Prue: Yeah. I was still in that biker bar but this time I was attacked by a big galloot. Piper: A galloot? What is that? (Phoebe shrugs.) You fought a demon in your sleep? If I'm gonna have to vanquish a demon in my wedding dress, just tell me because if so, then-- Prue: Ay! Alright, he was not a demon. He was just a big rude guy. Phoebe: And it was just in her dream. Prue: Yeah, and the only thing I need to vanquish him is a potion called coffee. (The doorbell rings.) Ah, that must be the flowers. Um, okay, you just relax, no worrying. Phoebe: And eat your breakfast and then I will have a hot bubble bath waiting for you. Piper: Are you sure there's nothing witchy going on? (Prue throws petals over Piper.) Prue: I'm positive. (They leave the room.) [Scene: The bar in Prue's dream. Biker #1 is lying dead on the ground. Police are there interviewing people. A photographer takes a photo and then the body is covered up.] [Cut to inside the bar. An inspector is showing TJ a security tape of Prue hitting the biker - just like in her dream.] Inspector: Is that her? Is that the woman you were with last night? TJ: Yeah, so what? Inspector: So what's her name? TJ: I don't know. Inspector: Ah, you stick your tongue down her throat but you don't know her name? TJ: That against the law? Inspector: Look, I appreciate you trying to protect your girlfriend from murder charges. TJ: She's no murderer. (A biker walks up to them.) Biker #2: You sure about that, son? Inspector: You know something? Biker #2: I know what happened. Saw it with my own eyes. Inspector: Get a look at the killer? Biker #2: I'm looking at her right now. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Prue and Phoebe are there. Prue is sitting at the table.] Phoebe: Check out what I found in the attic. Prue: I hope it's something old 'cause we already have new, borrowed and blue covered. Phoebe: Is Melinda Warren's blessing cup old enough? (Prue picks up the cup.) Prue: That is very cool. Phoebe: Yeah, what could be better than to give Piper the actual cup that our favourite ancestor drank from at her wedding. Prue: Hmm, alright, I can check that off. Now all I need is help moving the buffet table. Phoebe: Um, maybe we should wait until Cole gets here. He should be here any minute. Prue: You're kidding, right? Phoebe: No, you knew he was coming to the wedding. Prue: Yeah, to the wedding, Phoebe, but the moments leading up to it belong to the family. And I'm sorry, but Cole is not family, okay, he is still a demon. And I don't think Piper needs a demon-- (They hear Piper scream.) [Cut to the stairs. Leo and Piper are there. Piper is hiding behind the railing.] Piper: It is bad luck to see the bride's dress before the wedding. Leo: But you're not even wearing the dress. Piper: The same rule applies to the bride's... curlers. Go away. (She goes upstairs. Prue and Phoebe walk in.) Prue: Oh, good, you're here. Leo: Yeah, I'm just looking for a place to change. (Prue sees Leo holding his Whitelighter robe.) Prue: Uh, what's with the robe? Leo: Oh, it's my formal Whitelighter wear. Phoebe: Um, yeah, I-I hope you don't mind but we sort of decided that you should be a little bit more traditional, so we rented you a tux. (Victor enters the manor.) Victor: Anybody home? Phoebe: Daddy! (She goes over to him.) Hi. (They hug.) Victor: Hi, baby. Leo. Leo: Victor. (He goes over to Prue.) Prue: Hey dad. Victor: Hey. (He kisses the top of her head.) Prue: Well, I know that you have a lot of joy and laughter to share so I'll just take you down... whoa. Victor: What's the matter? (Prue sits down on the stairs.) Prue: Uh, just a, uh, dizzy spell. I've been getting them ever since those dreams began. Leo: What dreams? Prue: Oh, you know, those dreams... uh, you know, it's nothing. Phoebe: Yeah, certainly nothing to worry about. Okay, you two, follow me. (to Prue) You just sit there and relax. I'll be right back. (Leo and Victor follow Phoebe down to the basement.) Get dressed and no fighting. (Leo and Victor walk down the stairs. A tux is there hanging on a coat hanger.) Victor: So you rented a tux, huh? I thought for sure you'd be wearing one of those long robes all you Whitelighters love so much. Leo: I decided to go a little more traditional. [Cut back to Prue. Phoebe sits down beside her.] Phoebe: Prue, okay, we've got everyone convinced that we have things under control. Now you have to convince me. Prue: I can't do that. Phoebe: Oh, no. What are you feeling? Prue: Tired all the time. I mean, when I fall asleep my dreams are so real, they don't allow me any rest. It's like I'm awake twenty-four hours a day. Phoebe: Is the dream sorcerer back? Prue: I don't think so, but I'm not ruling anything out. Phoebe: Well, remember what Piper said. If one more thing goes wrong she was gonna call of this wedding. Prue: No, we can't let that happen. Phoebe Okay, why don't you let me handle this almighty To Do list, and you go upstairs and get some rest. Don't sleep, just rest. Prue: Okay. (They stand up.) Phoebe: Huh, wow, so you're relinquishing control to your little sister. You must really be tired. (Prue goes upstairs. Phoebe picks up the photo of Patty.) Please help us through this day, mum. [Cut to Prue's bedroom. Prue is laying on her bed. She closes her eyes and falls asleep.] [Cut to Prue's dream. Astral Prue appears in the bar. She walks past a pool table. TJ grabs her arm from behind. She turns around.] TJ: Hey. Prue: Hey. TJ: You shouldn't have come back. Prue: What are you talking about? TJ: I spent the whole morning with the cops. They think you killed a guy, took his money. Prue: No, I-I-I didn't kill anyone. TJ: Good 'cause that's what I told them. Prue: So then why are you still here? TJ: Waiting for you. I didn't have your phone number and you never even gave me your name. Prue: That is the sexiest thing a man's ever done for me. (She kisses him.) TJ: Hey, you keep saying you wanna live a life with no rules, no responsibilities. This is it. A chance. Come on. (They walk outside and get on his motorbike. A police car pulls up.) Inspector: Whoa, take it easy. (Another police car pulls up.) Prue: Don't do it for me, TJ. Inspector: You don't wanna be an accessory for murder. (The inspector gets out his handcuffs.) Prue: (to TJ) My name's Prue. Prue Halliwell. (Prue gets off the bike.) Inspector: Put up your hands. Come on. (The inspector handcuffs her.) Let's go. [Cut to Prue's room. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Prue? Prue, wake up. [Cut back to the bar. The inspector puts Prue in the car.] [Cut back to Prue's room.] Phoebe: Prue. [Cut back to the car.] Prue: Oh, no. (Prue astral projects out of the car, leaving the handcuffs behind. The inspector notices she's gone.) [Cut to Prue's room. Prue wakes up. She looks at her wrists.] Prue: Oh, no. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Prue's room. Prue and Phoebe are there.] Prue: I was wanted for murder but this, this guy in my dream, he risked himself to save me. Sexy guy. Phoebe: Prue, forget the guy. What about the arrest? Prue: Right, uh, okay, a cop handcuffed me and that's all I remember, except that I didn't really wanna wake up, it's like my dreams were overpowering me. Phoebe: Mm, that's what my premonitions feel like. They pull me against my will. Prue: You know, maybe somebody's trying to pull me in a parallel world or a dream dimension. Phoebe: Well, hopefully that someone will be in the Book of Shadows, okay? Come on. (They head for the attic.) Wait, should we tell Piper? Prue: No, I won't let this be the one thing that goes wrong today. I'll be okay as long as I stay awake, right? For Piper? Phoebe: For Piper. (Piper comes out of her room.) Piper: Hold it right there. What's wrong? Phoebe: Boy bands. There's just too many of them, don't you think? Piper: No. What's wrong with you two? Prue: Uh, nothing's wrong. Piper: I can see it in your faces. We've been demon hunting for three years now. You're going to the attic, aren't you? Phoebe: Yes. (Prue elbows Phoebe.) Prue: Phoebe! Piper: I knew it. Phoebe: What, Prue, she's onto us, she knows. Yes, Piper, we were heading to the attic. To find something old, something new... Prue: Uh, something, something borrowed, something blue. Phoebe: Yes. Prue: Right. We were gonna surprise you but now you caught us. Piper: Oh. Prue: Yeah, I mean, look, I told you, you have nothing to worry about today, alright? It's going to be a demon-free day. (Cole shimmers in and scares Piper.) Hey! Cole: Sorry I'm late. Piper: (to Prue) You were saying? (Cole walks over to Phoebe.) Cole: Near miss with a Zotar. (He and Phoebe kiss.) Almost spotted me. Oh, don't worry, I lost him. I think. Piper: See? No matter what, a demon will attack today. It's just the natural order of our universe. Phoebe: Piper, you have to stay positive. You know what? I have Celine Dion 'Behind The Music' on video cassette. Would you like to watch that? Piper: Would you like to get slapped? Prue: Hey, she's just trying to relax you. Cole: Don't worry, leave the demons to me. I can handle anything that comes through... Phoebe: Oh, no you don't. You promised you were not gonna use your demonic powers anymore. Cole: Oh, sorry. Old habits. Phoebe: Think good. Cole: Oh, I am, I am. Um, I brought a gift. (He throws the gift at Piper.) [Cut to the basement. Leo and Victor are dressed in their tux.] Victor: So are you and Piper gonna move out, get your own place? Leo: Not right away. Victor: Well, just between you and me, isn't that a little tough on the old pride? Living off the girls like that? Leo: Look, Victor, I know you don't like the idea of your daughter marrying a Whitelighter. Victor: Oh, I never said that. But now that you mention it, yeah, I'd prefer Piper to marry a mortal. Leo: Well, Piper's not mortal, she's a witch. She was given her gifts to serve a higher calling. Victor: A calling that only people like you could understand, right? The same crap my ex-wife's Whitelighter used to steal her away from me. Leo: And I'm sorry that happened to you, I really am. But with all do respect, this isn't about you and Patty, this is about me and Piper. I love her with all my heart, and I promise to keep loving her and taking care of her for the rest of this life, the afterlife and whatever comes after that. Now you may not support it and you may not agree with it but it is not gonna stop me from marrying your daughter today. Nothing will. Victor: You know... I could probably get used to having a Whitelighter for a son-in-law. (Victor ties Leo's bow tie. Cole comes down the stairs.) Cole: Everybody having fun down here? Leo: (to Victor) How do you stand on demons? [Cut to upstairs. Prue walks downstairs from the attic. Phoebe comes around the corner.] Phoebe: Hey, did you find anything in the Book about your dreams? Prue: Nothing. Phoebe: What are we gonna do? The wedding's in a half an hour. Prue: Get ready, get set, get through it for Piper. Phoebe: For Piper. (They head in different directions.) [Cut to Piper's room. Piper is in her wedding dress. She puts on her earrings and looks in the mirror. Patty appears behind her.] Patty: Oh, you're so beautiful. Piper: Mum? Patty: Don't be afraid. (Piper turns around.) Piper: Oh my god. But... it can't be 'cause, um, ghosts, ghosts glow. You're not glowing. Patty: I'm not a ghost. Well, not today. Today I am simply your mother. Piper: But, uh, how? Patty: After all the Elders put you and Leo through, they wanted to give you something back, so, so they sent me down, just for your wedding day. You know, I think I wore my hair like this for my wedding day. Piper: You did. Uh, I kept your wedding album after you died and... (Patty licks her finger and pushes a piece of Piper's hair in place.) And I looked at the pictures every night like a bedtime story. Patty: I always thought you'd be the first to get married. You're the heart of this family, Piper. (Piper touches Patty's hand.) Piper: I'm not dreaming am I? Patty: No, sweetie, you're not. Piper: Mum. (They hug. Prue and Phoebe walk in.) Phoebe: Mum. Piper: It's true. She's real. They sent her to us for today. (Patty goes to Prue.) Patty: Oh, Prue. It's been so hard on you, unfair. Prue: Yeah... no, it doesn't matter. I just wanted to make you proud. Patty: You protected this family better than I could. I'm so proud of you. Prue: Thank you. (They hug.) Patty: (to Phoebe) And you, my baby, you feel it all, don't you? I was never there to comfort you. I died before you even knew me. Phoebe: Some nights I just wanted you to hold me. Patty: Your road's been the longest, Phoebe. But I was never worried about you. You know why? Because I had a premonition the day you were born. Phoebe: You did? Piper: What did you see? Patty: Oh, I saw this. I saw this moment right now, my three daughters standing before me as beautiful young women and I knew that everything would be okay. Phoebe: What did you see next? Patty: I held you. (They all hug.) [Cut downstairs Everyone but Piper and Patty are standing around the room.] Grams: Places, places everyone. (The doorbell rings.) Prue: Don't answer that. Piper: (from upstairs) Can somebody answer that? Prue: Ooh, I'll get it. (Prue answers the door. Darryl is there.) Hey, you're late. Where were you? Darryl: Out saving your ass. Prue: Huh? Darryl: Police have your picture. You're wanted for murder. They said you fled custody this morning. Phoebe: Oh my god, that was your dream. Darryl: They don't have your name yet but it's only a matter of time. Grams: Girls! Prue: Alright, let's just stay cool and we'll get downtown and straighten this out later. But we have to get through the wedding first, okay? For Piper? Phoebe: For Piper. (They look at Darryl.) You're supposed to say 'For Piper'. Darryl: Alright, it better be a quick wedding. (Prue, Phoebe and Darryl go into the room and stand in place.) Grams: Everything looks perfect except Victor, could you move a little to your left. Victor: Sure, why? Grams: Well, to make room for... (Patty walks in.) Victor: Patty. Patty: Hello, Victor, how are you? Victor: Good. I mean, I was good. Alright, who brought my ex-wife back from the dead? Grams: Not now, Victor. I know you two have issues but that's what the reception is for. (Grams starts the music and Piper walks down the stairs. Victor walks over to her and she holds onto his arm. He takes her up to Leo.) Phoebe: We did it. It's really happening. (Suddenly, TJ rides through the front door on his motorbike. He knocks over the flowers and then knocks over the table and all the glassware smashes on the floor. He stops in front of the table the cake is sitting on.) TJ: Prue! Phoebe: Who the hell is that? Prue: Oh, oh, oh no. (Prue faints.) Phoebe: Prue? (Astral Prue appears.) Astral Prue: TJ. (She runs over to him. Grams gasps.) You came. (Prue gets on the back of the bike.) TJ: Had to beat the cops. I won't let them take you. Piper: Prue, what the hell is going on? Phoebe: Prue, you get your astral ass back here! (TJ rides off, knocking the cake table. Piper gasps. The three tiered cake falls on the floor.) Honey... Piper: Alright, that's it! The wedding is off! (She throws her veil on the floor. She tries to walk but Phoebe is standing on her dress.) Phoebe! Phoebe: Sorry! Sorry! (Piper walks away.) Piper, Piper, wait, think about this. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Continued from before. Piper is putting on a sweater.] Phoebe: Piper, Piper, you can not just leave. Piper: Yes, I can. A demon I could have handled, but my big sister ruining my wedding, I can not handle that. Phoebe: Okay, just listen to me for one second. All we have to do is find a way. Piper: No, no, I don't wanna find a way to get married on my wedding day. It's-it's too hard. There must be a reason. (Leo walks over to them.) Leo: Piper... Piper: Leo, I'm sorry, but this is just the final straw. It's just not meant to be. (Piper leaves the manor.) [Cut to the living room. Victor lays Prue on the couch. Leo and Phoebe walk in.] Phoebe: I've never seen Piper so defeated. (Leo sits on the other couch.) Prue, come on, wake up. Prue, come on. Patty: Honey, you won't get her back that way. Apart of Prue wanted to escape and it used her astral self to do it. Grams: If the wedding's off, I have to go. I'm only here to conduct the ceremony. I'm sorry. (Grams disappears.) Victor: Maybe Piper's right. Maybe the wedding just wasn't meant to be. Patty: Victor. Victor: All I'm saying is maybe the gods are just trying to spare them the pain that we went through. Leo: No. All I need is what's inside of me to know that Piper and I are meant to be together. (He stands up.) What happened here today... Phoebe: Piper and Leo's love have touched us all. We have to fix this. (Darryl's pager beeps.) Darryl: I gotta go fend of the parse. Victor: What parse? Darryl: Prue's wanted for murder. I'll stay in touch by cell phone. (Darryl leaves.) Patty: Murder? Leo: (to Phoebe) You knew about this? Phoebe: I just found out when Morris told Prue. But it's obviously a mistake. I mean, Prue wouldn't murder anybody. Cole: You sure? I mean, Prue's astral form seems to have taken a life of its own. How do you know she didn't do it? Phoebe: Because I know her. Cole: Oh, yeah. Phoebe: At least I think I do. Leo: Alright, alright, you guys find Piper, bring her back here somehow. Phoebe, Book of Shadows, see if there's a spell to bring astral Prue back. Cole, you and me are gonna do a little investigating of our own. Alright, come on you guys. We've got a wedding to save. [Scene: The bar. Cole shimmers in and Leo orbs in.] Cole: Hmm, interesting place to dream about. Leo: Especially for Prue. (They start to walk around.) Cole: Based on what Morris said, someone must have knifed the victim after Astral Prue away. Leo: By the looks of this crowd, it could be anybody. Cole: No, not anybody. Very few humans have the heart of a true killer. One who kills without prejudice. Leo: How do you know? Cole: I can always sense it. Before I suppressed my demonic self for Phoebe, I can sense how human killers form inside. He's here. Leo: The murderer? You sure? Cole: That he's our murderer? No. But he's got fresh blood on his hands. Go update Morris. (Leo walks away.) [Cut to P3. Patty and Victor walk down the stairs.] Patty: Just let me do the talking. You always had a way of saying the wrong thing when they were young. Victor: Wrong, according to you, you never opened to what I had to say because you wanted to raise them as witches... (They see Piper sitting across the room.) Instead of little girls. (They walk over to Piper.) Patty: We were worried. Piper: I'm sorry, I let everyone down. Victor: Honey, you have nothing to apologise for. Patty: It is a tribute to you and Leo that you made it as far as you did, I think. Piper: Yeah, but we didn't make it all the way. Patty: Not yet maybe, but... Piper: Not ever. I mean, I think it's obvious, don't you? Leo and I are just clearly not... Patty: Destined to be? Oh, I don't believe that. And I don't think that you really believe that either. Piper: Don't I? All I have to do is look at you and dad to see where I might end up if I marry Leo. I mean, look at the track record. The Halliwells, we are blessed as witches and we are cursed as women. Sometimes I think we're all destined to end up alone. Patty: You don't really... I mean, just because... Victor. Victor: You think your mother and I were cursed? Piper: Don't you? Victor: Honestly, I look back at those days as the best of my life. I loved your mother, she was the best thing that ever happened to me until the three of you came along. Piper: But your marriage still didn't last. Victor: Yeah, that hurt. A lot. But it was our love that gave birth to you and your sisters. Maybe that was my destiny. Piper: I'm sorry, I just need to be alone. (She walks away.) Patty: Not bad for a guy who always says the wrong things. Victor: Thanks. I just wish I knew that it helped. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe is there flipping through the Book of Shadows. She finds a spell.] Phoebe: Gotcha. [Cut to TJ and Prue at a park. TJ is lying down and Prue is sitting next to him.] TJ: I've just gotta know. How'd you get away from the cops? Prue: You know, I don't really wanna talk about that. I mean, I'm here now, that's all that really matters, right? TJ: Yeah, but for how long? Prue: Do you care? TJ: Well, I did crash your sister's wedding. Prue: Yes, you did. TJ: And I am harbouring you from the cops. Prue: And I appreciate that. TJ: I may definitely pass for a state behaviour ---. Prue: So then why are you still talking? TJ: Prue, I don't need much, but I need to know one thing... are you gonna take off from me again tonight? Prue: You know, I hadn't really thought about it. I mean, for the first time in my life I'm free, so I'm sorta just living moment to moment. Is that okay? TJ: I'm cool with that. Prue: Cool with that. (They kiss. Prue breaks the kiss.) Oh, not now. TJ: What's wrong? (Prue runs away.) Prue? (Prue runs behind the bushes.) Prue, where are you going? (She holds onto a tree.) Prue: No, I'm free. I'm not going back. (Prue astral projects out of the park.) [Cut to the manor. Phoebe is sitting on the couch. Prue astral projects in.] Prue: No, I will not let you take me! (Prue looks around. Phoebe slams the Book of Shadows shut.) Phoebe: Nice spell, huh? Prue: How dare you. Phoebe: How dare you. You destroyed Piper's wedding along with Piper. Now, Prue, I don't know what's going on with you but you have got to pull yourself together. Prue: I'm outta here. (Prue starts to walk away. Phoebe gets up and grabs Prue's shoulder. Prue flips Phoebe onto the ground.) You know what? (She grabs Phoebe by the throat.) You can not stop me, alright. I am never going back. I'm not going... (Phoebe swings her around onto the couch.) Alright, you know what? I am sick of this. She is all about duty and obligation, well not me. Alright, I want to be free, I wanna find love, I wanna have a life. Phoebe: Well, Prue, you have responsibilities whether you like it or not. Prue: Don't talk to me about being responsible, Phoebe. Alright, you were not very responsible when you went and fell in love with a demon. Phoebe: Oh, please, you have got to let this whole Cole thing go, okay? You can't stay mad at me forever. Prue: I'm not mad at you, Phoebe, I never was. Alright, she was. I was rooting for you. Phoebe: Okay, now you're scaring me. Prue: You risked everything for love, just like Piper and Leo. I dream of having that kind of freedom but instead I get stuck watching my sisters live my dream. Phoebe: Wait a minute, you astraled out in a dream when your subconscious takes over. Prue: So what? Phoebe: So I just studied this in psych 101. Freud. You're the ID. Prue's inner desires. Which means that she is the ego. The control factor. Prue: Yeah, well, she is one big remote control and she's always got me on pause. Phoebe: I think I understand. The sacrifices that you've made for us over the years. They made you suppress your inner desires. (Astral Prue sits down beside Prue.) Prue: Yeah, well, don't tell me, tell her. Phoebe: No, I'm telling you because you are Prue. I mean, you are both two sides of my sister. Prue, you have to stop devoting your entire self to the Charmed Ones. It'll tear you apart. Literally. Prue: Is Piper very mad at me? Phoebe: She'll get over it. And you know why? Because we're okay now, Piper and me. We've both got passion and purpose in our lives and you gave us that. Prue: I did? Phoebe: You took care of us. And now it's time to take care of you. (Prue astral projects back in her body. Prue sits up.) Welcome back. Prue: Thanks. For everything. Oh, no. (She walks into the next room and sees the mess.) Oh. I can not believe I wrecked Piper's wedding. Phoebe: Only a part of you did. Prue: Is it too late to fix it? (The lights go out.) Phoebe: Oh, now what? (Suddenly, the door flies open and cops burst in.) Cop #1: Police! Stay where you are! Don't move! Inspector: Prue Halliwell? You're under arrest... for murder. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Police station. Prue is there getting her photo taken. A cop takes her into a room.] Cop: Alright, sit down. The inspector will be with you shortly. (Prue sits down.) Prue: This is all our fault. [Cut to the bar. Leo and Darryl walk in. They go up to Cole.] Leo: Prue's been booked for murder. We're running out of time. Darryl: Leo says you've found the killer. Cole: Found a killer. Darryl: Oh, great, you mean you don't know? What are you gonna do? Ask him? (The biker walks past them. He stops and stares, then continues to walk.) Cole: That's a good idea. Why don't you meet me out front in five. (He walks away.) [Cut to outside. The biker is there smoking a cigarette. Cole walks over to him.] Cole: Is that the spot where they found the body? Biker #2: Who are you? Cole: I'm here to find out what you know about the murder that took place here last night. Biker #2: Show me your badge. Cole: Oh, no, I'm not a cop. I'm a fortune teller and I predict you're gonna give me a confession. Biker #2: You're a funny man, huh? Excuse me, huh? (He starts to walk away but Cole grabs him. The biker pushes Cole into his motorbike. He pulls out a knife. Cole gets back up. The biker swings the knife at Cole but misses.) Cole: I guess that's the knife you used on the victim when you found him unconscious, right? Biker #2: You wanna closer look at it, huh? (He tries to stab Cole but Cole grabs his wrist.) Cole: One more chance. Confess now and talk to the police. Biker #2: Or what? (Cole changes into Belthazor.) Belthazor: Or deal with me. (Darryl and Leo walk outside. Darryl sees Belthazor and gets out his gun. Belthazor turns to Darryl.) I think he's ready to talk. [Cut to the manor. Patty is putting the bride and groom back onto the cake. Phoebe is lighting candles.] Leo: I don't get it. Prue should be back by now, the police have the killer. Cole: They might have held her over for escaping custody. Victor: Can we get some light while we're waiting? Patty: Yeah. Phoebe: No, dad, the police cut the power line. (Grams appears.) Grams: I'm sorry, Patty. They sent me to take you back. Phoebe: No, it's not midnight yet, we still have five more minutes. Victor: I should have said something more to convince Piper. Patty: But you said everything, you were wonderful. (Prue and Darryl walk in. Victor shines the flashlight on them.) Darryl: Sorry we're late. Prue: What, no who you were expecting? (Piper walks in.) Piper: So, okay, what are we waiting for? (Piper takes off her sweater.) (to Leo) Don't look so shocked. Grams: Girls, it's show time. (Everyone stands in place. Prue puts on Piper's veil.) Piper: Little help here. Victor: (to Leo) I noticed you don't have a best man. If you like, I could, uh... Leo: I'd be honoured. Phoebe: Oh, no, there's no power for music. (Grams makes the wind chimes chime.) Prue: Alright, is that the best that we can do on the lights? (Leo makes clouds of bright lights appear above them.) That's more like it. (Grams clears her throat.) Grams: We are gathered here today to unite two souls as one. Do you, Leo Wyatt, and Piper Halliwell, join us here of your own free will to acknowledge the eternal bond shared by both of you. Leo: I do. Piper: I do. Grams: You may face each other, join hands. (They do so.) Uh, Leo, you may recite your vows. Leo: Piper, through all the tears and struggles, I always knew in my heart that we'd make it here. I promise to love and respect you from this point forward as your husband, as my wife, my lover, my friend, and my soul mate. All I am is yours. Grams: Piper... Piper: Leo, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was afraid that you were too good to be true, that maybe I didn't deserve someone so pure and beautiful and loving as you are. But here we are surrounded by the people that I love the most and I feel so proud, and so blessed to be your wife. Leo, I was born to love you and I always will. Grams: Here before witnesses, Leo and Piper have sworn their vows towards each other. With this cord, I bind them to those vows. (A rope is loosely tied around their hand.) Piper, Leo: Heart to thee, body to thee, always and forever, so mote it be. Grams: So mote it be. All: So mote it be. (The clock strikes twelve.) Grams: Kiss her fast. (Piper and Leo kiss. Everyone applauds and grins.)

On the day of Piper's marriage to Leo, Prue's Astrally Projected-self adopts an uninhibited, wild personality that threatens to ruin the wedding and place Prue in jail for Murder.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_14x15

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THE FACE OF EVIL BY: CHRIS BOUCHER Part Three Running time: 24:40 [SCENE_BREAK] CALEB: Tomas! Tomas! Over here! CALEB: What was it? TOMAS: The Evil One. It's huge. It got Andor. CALEB: So I'm the leader now. TOMAS: How well will you lead us, Caleb? There are more of those things coming. CALEB: But the gun worked? TOMAS: Yes. It revealed the Evil One's face, drove him away. CALEB: Right, we must get back to the village. If we stay quiet it might pass by. TOMAS: I doubt it. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: Doctor, what is it? DOCTOR: There's only one way to find out. LEELA: It's gone. Where's it gone? DOCTOR: I remember now. The Mordee expedition. And I thought I was helping them. LEELA: Doctor, what are you doing? Will you please help me find this Tesh? DOCTOR: Tesh? How did you know it was a Tesh? Have you ever seen a Tesh? LEELA: Well, the skin was loose and shiny, as we're told, and it had two heads, one inside the other. DOCTOR: That was a protective suit and helmet. Must be another environment through there. DOCTOR (OOV.): Come on then. LEELA: It's a solid wall! DOCTOR (OOV.): It's an illusion, called a psy-tri projection. Combination of a three dimensional image which acts on the eye. Close your eyes. DOCTOR (OOV.): Both of them. Take one step back. DOCTOR (OOV.): Now walk forward. LEELA (OOV.): Great Xoanon! Where are we? DOCTOR (OOV.): It's called an anti-grav transporter. Just sit in it and it takes us straight to the ship in absolutely no time at all. [SCENE_BREAK] XOANON 2: We are returned. We are here. Voices overlap. XOANON: We are here. We are returned. XOANON 2: Now we shall be one. XOANON 3: We are here. XOANON: We are returned. XOANON 3: We are here. We are returned. XOANON: Now we shall be one. XOANON 2: Now we must destroy us. XOANON: Now we shall be one. XOANON 2: We are returned, we are here. XOANON 3: Now we must destroy us. ALL: One, one, one. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Another shrine. Seems the Tesh are as ignorant of their origins as your people are. LEELA: What are their origins? DOCTOR: How does the litany go? That bit about Paradise. Leela, you said you knew it. You said you were taught it as children. LEELA: I do, I do. Wait a minute. The Sevateem were sent forth by God DOCTOR: Slowly, slowly. LEELA: The Sevateem were sent forth by God to seek Paradise. The Tesh remained at the place of land. DOCTOR: Yes, exactly. That means the Sevateem explored the planet, while the Tesh remained to work in the ship in the place where it landed. Here. LEELA: We're the same people? DOCTOR: Yes, the Sevateem were the survey teams and the Tesh were the technicians. You're all human beings from this colony ship. LEELA: So what happened? Doctor, what happened? DOCTOR: I'm rather afraid I did. I misunderstood what Xoanon was. LEELA: Xoanon? You mean DOCTOR: At the time, I didn't think he was a being at all. These terminals are dead. LEELA: What did you think he was? JABEL: Welcome, Lord. DOCTOR: Hello! DOCTOR: Are you doing that? Will you please stop doing that? I said stop! DOCTOR: What have you done to her? JABEL: She is not damaged. My acolytes will attend to her. DOCTOR: But where are they taking her? JABEL: She will be tended. We recognise her value, Lord. DOCTOR: Have you dropped something? JABEL: I do you honour, Lord of Time. We've waited long for your return. DOCTOR: Yes, well, I'm very grateful about the honour, but it's really information I need. Please get up. What's your name? JABEL: I am Jabel, Captain of the people of Tesh. DOCTOR: Ah. DOCTOR: Jabel, do your people have a holy purpose? JABEL: We serve Xoanon and tend the holy places. We guard his tower against the savage. We deny the flesh so that our minds may find communion with Xoanon. DOCTOR: Ah. Well, it has a sort of logic. Outside the barrier, physical courage and strength, inside the barrier, paraphysical achievement and the sort of psi power you used against Leela. It's an experiment in eugenics. JABEL: Yes, Lord. DOCTOR: Shall we get up? The floor's very hard. Didn't anyone ever tell you kneeling stunts the growth? Jabel, do you know where Xoanon is? JABEL: Yes, Lord. DOCTOR: Where? JABEL: He is in no one place, Lord. He is all around us, everywhere. DOCTOR: All right, I didn't think you did. JABEL: You and he are as one. You will show us the way DOCTOR: Do you know what a computer is? JABEL: And in perfect communion with him, we will be free and find Paradise. DOCTOR: Do you know what a computer is? JABEL: Lord? DOCTOR: Now I have to find that thing before it kills us all. [SCENE_BREAK] WOMAN (OOV.): Final warning. Final warning. Particle analyser terminal phase countdown. All personnel clear the area. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: This whole control room's been disconnected, Jabel. It could take me days to find the complex. DOCTOR: I must be slipping. Jabel, where's the Holy of Holies? JABEL: All the place of Land is holy. DOCTOR: But there must be somewhere on the ship? JABEL: Ship? DOCTOR: Yes. Somewhere where no one's allowed to go. JABEL: Yes, Lord. The Sacred Chamber. DOCTOR: Yes. Where is it? JABEL: It is on level three seven. DOCTOR: Jabel, thank you. I DOCTOR: Jabel. Jabel, that's Leela. JABEL: Yes, Lord. Particle analysis. We will reduce the subject to its constituent atoms. DOCTOR: Particle analysis? JABEL: Yes, Lord. DOCTOR: It will kill her. JABEL: Yes, Lord. She is a savage. DOCTOR: What? That's not a good enough reason! JABEL: The savages have the power to open the barrier. Particle analysis may tell us how they do it. Surely that is why you brought her to us? DOCTOR: The savages don't open the barrier, you lack-brain! Xoanon does. Do you understand that? Xoanon does! JABEL: You lie! DOCTOR: Give the order to stop that particle analyser. JABEL: You are not the Lord of Time come again to save us! DOCTOR: Will you give that order? JABEL: You are not the Lord of Time! DOCTOR: Right, then I'll do it myself. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: Doctor? Doctor, wake up. Please, wake up! Please! LEELA: Doctor! DOCTOR: Close your eyes. DOCTOR: Be thankful you're living, and trust to your luck, and march to your front like a soldier. Gertrude Stein LEELA: I think you've broken it. DOCTOR: To be strictly accurate, it broke itself. All I did was reflect some of the power back into it. Still, I don't suppose its owners will see it that way. Come on, we'd better go. [SCENE_BREAK] GENTEK: They have escaped, Captain. JABEL: They must be found and killed. This must take precedence over all other duties and devotions. GENTEK: He is not the Lord of Time, the one who will return. JABEL: He is our enemy, and the enemy of Xoanon. Kill him and the savage. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Looking for something. LEELA: Us? DOCTOR: Oh, probably, probably. LEELA: Doctor, what is Xoanon? DOCTOR: A machine that's become a living creature. An old mission computer with schizophrenia. Not a very pretty thought, is it. Not my fault. LEELA: How is it your fault? DOCTOR: When I was here before, I programmed Xoanon for the Mordee. Unfortunately I forgot to wipe my personality print from the data core. Or did I really forget? I forget if I forgot. LEELA: You're not making yourself very clear, Doctor. DOCTOR: It may have been my own egotism. Anyway, now it has a split personality and half of it is mine. Is that clear? LEELA: No. DOCTOR: Well, come on, then. [SCENE_BREAK] XOANON 3: Us within us. We shall make two one. [SCENE_BREAK] TOMAS: Caleb! Caleb! CALEB: What is it? TOMAS: The power's used up. CALEB: Right, we must fall back. Get them moving, Tomas. TOMAS: Right. CALEB: Move! TOMAS: Back! Back to the village. CALEB: Come on. Everybody, quickly. TOMAS: Move! Move! Back, quickly! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Shut the door. LEELA: How? Doctor, where are we? DOCTOR: An auxiliary communications room. DOCTOR: Ah. LEELA: It's the village. The creatures must have got through the boundary. DOCTOR: Looks like it. They're psi-tri projections from the dark side of Xoanon's id with enough kinetic energy to kill. Looks as if your friends are running out of time. LEELA: I'm going back to help them. DOCTOR: Don't be absurd. What do you think you can do about it? If I can arrange it, they'll be safer inside the barrier. LEELA: Do you mean here, inside the wall? What about the Tesh? DOCTOR: I didn't say safe, I said safer. DOCTOR: Neeva? Neeva? Neeva, are you there? Come on, wake up! NEEVA (OOV.): Yes, master. DOCTOR: Neeva, this is Xoanon. NEEVA (OOV.): What is your will? DOCTOR: Tell Caleb to lead the tribe through the mouth of the idol. [SCENE_BREAK] NEEVA: Through the mouth of the idol. DOCTOR (OOV.): That is my order. See that it is done. NEEVA: Will Caleb believe me? DOCTOR (OOV.): Say these words to him. I don't believe in ghosts either. NEEVA: I don't believe in ghosts either. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Go now, and do my will. NEEVA (OOV.): Yes, Doctor. DOCTOR: I underestimated that man. Come on, we've got an appointment on level thirty seven. [SCENE_BREAK] GENTEK: They cannot be found. JABEL: Continue the search. Gentek, is the guard posted outside the Sacred Heart? GENTEK: Yes, Captain. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: (silent) Hold that. LEELA: Psst. DOCTOR: Keep watch. LEELA: Can't I come with you? DOCTOR: Xoanon's unstable. He might kill me. He'd certainly kill you. Anyway, we need someone on guard. LEELA: Doctor, be careful. [SCENE_BREAK] CALEB: The tunnel's here. Right, come on. TOMAS: Caleb! CALEB: Where there's one Tesh there's likely to be more. TOMAS: Those creatures, they're moving in on us fast. Now we've got to get the men inside the barrier, and quickly. CALEB: All right, get them moving, Tomas. I'll go on ahead. And you, keep your eyes open! Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] XOANON 3: Who are you? XOANON 2: Who are you? XOANON: Who are you? DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. I'm the Doctor! XOANON 3: Who are you? DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. XOANON 2: Who are you? DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor! XOANON: Why have you come? DOCTOR: To correct a mistake I made when I was here before. XOANON: We have made no mistake. XOANON 2: No mistake. XOANON 3: No mistake. DOCTOR: I made the mistake. XOANON: No mistake. DOCTOR: I made the mistake! When the ship was stranded, the computer broke down. I thought the data core had been damaged, so I renewed it by making a direct link with the compatible centres of my own brain. XOANON: The psychian memory transfer. DOCTOR: A variation of it, yes. XOANON: Good. Very good. Go on. XOANON 2: How did he find the ship? XOANON 3: Don't interrupt. You'll spoil it. DOCTOR: This isn't a fairy tale. It actually happened. DOCTOR: For generations, teams of technicians had worked on the computer, trying to extend its power. XOANON: And did they damage the data core? DOCTOR: No. No. Without realising it, they had created life. The computer hadn't failed at all. It had evolved into a living creature, the first of an entirely new species. XOANON 2: A new species? Oh come now. DOCTOR: Yes, a new species. When I arrived, it had just been born. It was in shock. I didn't recognise a birth trauma and that was my mistake. And when I connected my own brain to it, it didn't just take compatible information as a machine should have done. It took everything. XOANON: Fascinating. Can I ask a question? XOANON 3: Shush. Let him finish. DOCTOR: When it woke, it had a complete personality. Mine. It thought I was itself. Then it began to develop another separate self, its own self. And that's when it started to go mad. XOANON 2: And where is it? XOANON 3: This poor mad XOANON: Mad machine creature. DOCTOR: It's here, Xoanon! I'm talking to it! It's you! DOCTOR: Xoanon? Xoanon? XOANON 2: I grow tired. I'm thinking no longer. DOCTOR: No, no, wait, Xoanon. I'm the Doctor. I'm separate, I'm real. You must acknowledge me. XOANON: I will not think you. XOANON 3: We are Xoanon. DOCTOR: And I am the Doctor. XOANON: No. DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor! XOANON 3: No! DOCTOR: I am the Doctor! XOANON 3: No! XOANON (on screen): No! No! No! No! XOANON 4: Who am I? Who am I?

The Doctor and Leela encounter the placid and mind-powerful Tesh, the complete opposite of the savage Saveteem. They recognize the Doctor, too, but to them he is Lord; however, when it becomes evident the Doctor threatens their living god, Xoanon, the Doctor becomes a marked man.

fd_FRIENDS_10x15

fd_FRIENDS_10x15_0

Teleplay by: Tracy Reilly Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller [Flashback scene from last week, Monica and Chandler's kitchen, Rachel, Ross, Monica and Chandler are there.] Jennifer: Previously on Friends... Chandler: How did the job stuff go? Rachel: He offered me one. Ross: (gasps) You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israels finest. Rachel: The job is in Paris. (we see Ross stare in disbelief) [SCENE_BREAK] Rachel: Oh, God! Please, somebody say something. Ross: So if you take this job you'll be moving to Paris? Chandler: Or facing a bitch of a commute. Rachel: I know, it's huge, and it's scary, and it's... really far, far away from you guys, but this is such an incredible opportunity for me. And I've already talked to them about our situation with Emma, and they said they'll do whatever we need to make us feel comfortable. Ross: Okay. Rachel: I mean, I'll fly back and forth, they'll fly you out... Anything we want. Chandler: My boss said I might be getting a new lamp in my cubicle. (Monica looks at him and can't really place what he just said) Ross: All right, we'll work it out. Rachel: Thank you! Thank you! Ross: Yeah, yeah! (they hug) You sure this is what you want? Rachel: I think it is. (Ross looks very sad. Phoebe and Joey enter.) Phoebe: Ooh, what's going on? Rachel: I got a really incredible job offer. Joey: Hey, great! All right! Phoebe: Good for you! Rachel: It's in Paris. Joey: What? No, no, no! No, no... no... no, no... No, too much is changing, okay? First, Phoebe getting married (to Phoebe) Congratulations! (pointing to Monica and Chandler)... and then these two move into a stupid house in the stupid suburbs... Monica: Hey, this afternoon you said you'd be supportive... Joey: Well, it comes and goes. I wouldn't trust it. Rachel: Look, you guys... this is really, really important to me. And it means a lot if you could try to get on board. Phoebe: Of course we can. Congratulations. (they hug, but Joey shakes his head.) Yay! (she gestures Joey to come and join in) Joey... Joey: No, no, no. My hugs are reserved for people STAYING IN AMERICA. Rachel: (walking towards Joey) Joey, it would mean so... Joey: Hey! No! Get your France-going-arms away from me. (He walks out, and Rachel follows him) Rachel: Joey... Phoebe: You okay with this? Chandler: Well, it makes me feel sad, but... Phoebe: Talking to Ross. Chandler: I see. Ross: Well, Rachel moving to another country? Not being able to see her every day. How can I be okay with this? Monica: I know, but what are we gonna do? She really needs this job. Ross: Do you think if the Ralph Lauren people offered her her old job back, she would take it? Monica: How is that gonna happen? Chandler: Is this the best way to use one of your three magic wishes? Ross: I don't know. I could talk to her boss. Yeah! I met him at that Christmas party. We really hit it off. Monica: You mean the guy who kept calling you Ron? Ross: I didn't say we were brothers. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe's reading a newspaper. Chandler and Monica walk in.] Monica: Hey Phoebe. Hey, tell me what you think. All right. The house next door to the one that we're buying in Westchester? Just went on the market. I wanna take a look at it, but Chandler doesn't. Chandler: We close escrow tomorrow, so seeing another house can only confuse us, and we're easily confused. We're not very bright. Monica: But what if it is better than ours? Should we at least look? Chandler: What do you think Pheebs? Phoebe: Well, I think that shirt makes you look like you should work at a Baskin Robbins... Anyway... Hey, isn't Joey's agent Estelle Leonard? Chandler: Yeah. Phoebe: She died. Chandler: You're kidding! Monica: That's terrible! Phoebe: Yeah, last Saturday. Wow! She was the first black man to fly solo across the Atlantic. (Chandler and Monica look puzzled) Oh, wait a minute, I read the wrong one. Chandler: Oh yeah? Phoebe: Yeah, she was just an agent. Monica: Joey's gonna be *so* upset. Chandler: I know. *He* always wanted to be the first black man to cross the Atlantic. Phoebe: Well, we cannot tell Joey about this. He's already flipping out about everything that's changing. This will push him over the edge. Monica: Seriously, you don't think we should tell him? Phoebe: Well, not for a little while. Let's just give him a few days to get used to everything else. Monica: What if he reads it in the paper? Chandler: Unless Snoopy says it to Charlie Brown, I think we're okay. [Scene: Ralph Lauren. Mr Zelner's office. Ross knocks on the door and enters.] Mr Zelner: May I help you? Ross: Yeah, I'm a friend of Rachel Green's. Uhm, actually we met at the Christmas party about two years ago. Mr Zelner: Oh right, uhm, Don? Ross: Close. Ron. (shakes hands) Mr Zelner: Uh... What can I do for you? Ross: Uhm, well... I'm here to see if you'll give Rachel her job back. Mr Zelner: Ah, did she ask you to come here and do this? Ross: Oh, no. At first I have to get you to agree. Then we'll see if she wants to come back. Mr Zelner: Wow, that is tempting. Ross: Look, she loved her job here. And let's face it: you're not gonna find anyone who did it as well as she did it. Isn't that true? Mr Zelner: She is good! Ross: (surprised) Huh, I took a shot there. Mr Zelner: But I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do... Ah, it's not true, there is... nothing I want to do. Ross: I see... Thanks very much. (he gets up and walks to the door. On his way out he looks at the photographs Mr Zelner has near his door. He picks one up.) Is this your son? Mr Zelner: Yeah, his name is Ross. (Ross looks very surprised) What? Ross: Oh, nothing, it's just, it's close to Ron. Does he.. Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance? Mr Zelner: Yeah, they're all he talks about, why? Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants. (Mr. Zellner looks shocked). I just heard it as you must have heard it and that's not good. Let me start again. I'm a paleontologist, you'll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones... fossils! Mr Zelner: You can really arrange that? Ross: You let Rachel come back, and it's done. Mr Zelner: Well, I guess having Rachel back wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Ross: Yeah! Yes! Thank you! This is great. Thank you so much. And I swear, your kid is going to have the time of his life. Mr Zelner: That's great. I worry about little Ross. He's always reading, he's collecting rocks and he's obsessed with dinosaurs. Ross: He'll be fine. [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe's reading, Joey has just entered the room] Joey: Hey Phoebe. Phoebe: Hey. Everything ok? Joey: I'm just mad at my agent. Phoebe: Estelle? Why? Joey: There's a part in a TV movie that I would be perfect for and I didn't even be put up for it! She'd better have a good reason. Phoebe: I'm guessing she does. Joey: Well (taking his cell phone out of a pocket) I'm wanna hear it, because she keeps doing this. Phoebe: Well, no, no, wait, wait, wait. All right, I gotta go. Just listen. Promise me, that you will wait a minute before you call her. Joey: Ok. Why? Phoebe: Because a promise between friends means never having to give a reason. (she leaves) Joey: I love that saying! (Phoebe is outside, taking her cell phone out of her bag and making a call. Joey is inside, and his mobile phone starts ringing). Joey: Hello? Phoebe (doing Estelle): Joey, it's Estelle. Joey: I was just gonna call you! That's weird. Phoebe-Estelle: It's a little coincidental, but believable. (Joey nods in agreement). Listen, I'm sure you're wondering why I didn't get you an audition for that TV movie. Joey: Yeah, actually I am! Phoebe-Estelle: I guess I dropped the ball there. Whoopsie! Joey: That's it? You know, it seems all you do lately is drop the ball. Phoebe-Estelle: Don't take that tone with me. Who you think you are? Alan Lemond, the first black man to fly solo across the Atlantic? Joey: No, no, look. All I'm saying is that you're my agent, ok? And you're not getting me into any auditions and I'm tired of it. Phoebe-Estelle: What are you saying? Joey: I'm saying that... (pause). This isn't working for me anymore, ok? Estelle, you're fired. Goodbye. (he hangs up the phone). Phoebe: Man, tough week for Estelle! [Scene: Joey's apartment. Rachel's there and Ross enters the room with a stuffed dinosaur] Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi. Ross: Emma left her stuffed t-rex at my house. You know she can't sleep without it. Rachel: Oh, well, she's asleep now. Stop forcing that thing on her. Ross: Ok. Rachel: Oh, you're not gonna believe what happened to me today! Ralph Lauren called, and gave me my job back! Ross: Nooo! Rachel: Yee. I mean, it was so weirdest thing. They fired me and then out of nowhere they just hire me back! I mean, that place must have been falling apart without me. Ross: So, you're not going to Paris. Rachel: No, I'm still going. Ross: Wh... wh...what? Rachel: When the Louis Vuitton people found out that Ralph Lauren wanted me back, the offered me more money! Isn't that great? Ross: Yeeeah! (They high-five) [Scene: house next to the one the Bings are moving into. Chandler and Monica knock, a lady opens the door.] Monica: Hi. We're buying the house next door, and we were wondering if we could just take a look around. Lady: Oh, sure. I'm showing it to someone else right now, but please, look around. Monica: Thanks. Chandler: It feels like we're cheating on our house. And if we're gonna cheat, shouldn't it be with like a hot, younger house, that does stuff that our house won't do? Monica: Ours is so much better! This living room is smaller, the dining room looks like a cave! What a hole! Lady: So? What do you think? Monica: Love it! Lady: Well, we already have one offer on it, and I think the lady upstairs is goning to make another one. Monica: They could be our neighbors, what are they like? Lady: Oh, the woman upstairs is very nice. She and her husband have two kids, he's on Wall Street and she... Janice: Oh my God! (Chandler and Monica are speechless). Chandler (to Monica): Sure. [Scene: Joey's apartment. He's there and Phoebe comes in.] Phoebe: Hey Joey, want come with me to... are you ok? Joey: Yeah, I just... I just feel bad about firing Estelle. This is got to be killing her. Phoebe: No, that wouldn't kill her. Ordinary embolism might. Joey: I don't know. She's got to be taking it hard, I was like her only client. Except for this guy who eats paper. And I'm guessing he eats more money than he makes. Look, I know she's not a great agent, but she did stick with me for ten years. I'm gonna call her and hire her again. Phoebe: No, no, no! Don't call her! You wait for her to call you (Joey considers it) Joey: Why? Phoebe: Because patience is the road to understanding (she thinks) which ... is the key... to a happy heart. Joey: (impressed) You blow me away. Phoebe: (picking up her bag) All right, so promise you're gonna wait for her to call you? Joey: I promise. And that means, never having to give a reason. (Phoebe stops herself from laughing and leaves) [Scene: The house Monica and Chandler are viewing. Janice comes down the stairs.] Janice: What a small world! Chandler: And yet I never run into Beyonce! Realtor: You two know each other? Janice: Oh, we go way back. Before Monica made an honest man out of him, Chandler used to be my little love muffin! (does her irritating laugh). So? Are you guys thinking of getting this house too? Ooh! Are we gonna have a bidding war? I'd better warn you, I'm a toughie (playfully punches Chandler, who tries to get away from her) Chandler: (at Janice's punching) Don't, don't! (looks disgusted) Monica: No, actually, we're buying the house next door. (Janice gasps) Chandler: (To Monica and with bulging eyes) Why!? Monica: (looks confused and scared) I don't know why. Janice: Ooh, that decides it then. I was on the fence. But knowing that you two would be our neighbors? Ah! now we have to get it! (Chandler and Monica are utterly shocked) Ellen, we're going to talk numbers. (Grabs Ellen by her elbow and pulls her outside) Chandler: This can not be happening! Monica: Okay, the realtor said another couple made an offer. Maybe the Janice's won't get it! Maybe the other couple will. Chandler: The only way that that is going to happen, is if the other couple are the Hitlers. Monica: (Thinks a little more) Okay, Okay, (clapping her hands) All right. What if we got both houses? Huh? We can turn this house into a guest house. Chandler: That is a great idea! And by the way, I don't mean to sound distasteful, but when did you start crapping money!? Monica: Okay, you come up with an idea. Chandler: Alright alright, we still have three hours till escrow closes on our house. We can still get out. Monica: But we love our house. Chandler: Will we love it so much with her next door? And she's gonna be louder out here too. Just the crickets and (apes Janice's voice) "Oh My God"! Monica: Okay, but if we don't get this house, she's stil gonna show up wherever we go! I mean, at least if she's here, it eliminates the element of suprise. I mean, never again will you have to hear the three words that make your balls jump back up inside your body. (She shows this with her index finger, mimicking it pushing something up) Chandler: (looks afraid, but at the same time, knows she's right) Well, we have to do something. We can't have her living next door. (Janice's laughs loudly outside) Oh, that does it too. (Motions with his index finger like Monica did) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Mr. Zellner's office. There is a knock on the door.] r Zelner: Who is it? Ross: (enters) It's me. Ron. (Mr. Zellner looks annoyed) Look, I um, I now Rachel turned you down but I think there is a way you might be able to get her to come back. Mr Zelner: This may surprise you, but re-hiring fired employees, is not my main job. Ross: Just hear me out. How would you feel about offering her a raise? (looks hopeful) Mr Zelner: (obviously amused) Not good, Ron. Ross: Perhaps I can persuade you. What if you can give your son this (Takes a huge egg out of his back) genuine pterodactyl egg (whispers) replica. Mr Zelner: (Takes a long look at the egg while he considers it) Wow, that's pretty cool (Takes the egg from Ross) Ross: Huh? So? We have a deal? Mr Zelner: Okay, you got it. Ross: Yes! yes! Mr Zelner: This is gonna make me very popular. Ross: Oh, (grins) Believe me, the ladies, they love it! Mr Zelner: (looks at Ross, for a long moment, confused) I meant with my son. Ross: Good, 'cause the ladies, not so much. (shakes his head, give him a thumbs up and leaves) [Scene: Joey's apartment. He walks in reading his mail, and plays back his messages on the answering machine] Answering machine: Joey, this is Al T. Booker, (Looks annoyed that he called him) the guy who eats paper. I'm sure you've heard that Estelle passed away. (Looks shocked) I wanted to let you know there's a memorial for her at the Westside chapel, tomorrow at ten. Hope you can make it. Joey: Oh my God. (Still in shock when his mobile rings, he picks it up) Hello? Phoebe: (on the other side of the line, still pretending to be Estelle) Joey, it's Estelle. (Joey's eyes bulge up, he looks afraid) Joey: Estelle? Phoebe: Yeah, I wanted to call and tell you that there's no hard feelings for firing me. Joey: (still scared) Ok-ay. I just, I can't believe you're calling me? Phoebe: Well, I didn't think I should just drop by... Joey: No, no, no! (Starts looking around the room, terrified) Don't drop by, don't drop by! Phoebe: Anyway, you did what you had to do. I'm okay. Joey: Can I ask you something? Uhm, what's it like there? Phoebe: (Looks around) It's alright. Look kiddo, I gotta go. Good luck with the career. You're gonna be huge. Joey: Thanks for everything Estelle. Bye. (Hangs up and reads the phone display) "out of area". Boy, I'll say. [Scene: The house next door to Chandler and Monica's new house. Chandler is pacing worriedly through the living room when Janice enters.] Janice: Well... I just talked to Sid, we are definitely putting in an offer on the house... a-a-and I'll bet we get it. Chandler: The Hitlers will be so disappointed. Janice: All right, I got to run. Tell Monica I say goodbye. And... I'll see you later, neighbor. (Janice laugh) Chandler: Wait! I just want you to know that... I'm so happy you're going to be here. Janice: Oh, me too... (laughs) Chandler: Because... that way... we can pick up where we left off. Janice: Huh? Chandler: I never stopped loving you. Janice: Oh... my... Chandler: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I want you... I need you... I must have you Janice Litman Goralnik Neihosenstein. Janice: Chandler, what are you talking about? Chandler: Now that you live next door, we can be together every day. Sid and Monica never have to know a thing. Janice: I don't know what to say... I mean, you know, obviously we have this... heat between us. Chandler: (stunned) Obviously. Janice: But I love my husband. And I know you love your wife. Now, I don't think we should get this house now. Chandler: Don't say that. Don't tangle the dream and take it away. Janice: Chandler, one of us has got to be strong. Chandler: I understand. Janice: Although, maybe just... one last moment of weakness... (she kisses Chandler flat on the mouth. Chandler squirms. When she's finished, he looks at her lovingly but uneasily.) Goodbye Chandler Bing. (She leaves) Chandler: (speaking as in pain) They're never coming down now. [Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is working on his laptop when Rachel enters with Emma.] Rachel: Hi! Ross: Hey! Rachel: You are never going to believe what happened to me today. Ross: What? Rachel: Ralph Lauren called again and they offered me more money. Ross: They did? Rachel: Yeah. It was the weirdest thing. Zelner called me and he said we'll do everything we can to get you back. And that I should thank some Ron... I don't even know what department that guy's in. Ross: So, what are you gonna do? Rachel: Well, I took it. Ross: That's great! So you're staying in New York! Both: YAY! WHOO! YAY! Ross: You're excited, right? Rachel: (hesitant) Ye-ah. Yeah! You know, the money's great. It's certainly the easier choice... Ross: Right! Rachel: Yeah, you know, was I looking forward to going to Paris? Sure. You know, was I excited about working in the fashion capital of the world? Ooh, absolutely... Oh...! Yeah, but you know, this is... it's fine. I'm fine going back to a job where I've pretty much gotten everything out of that I possibly can... (she sits down, and Ross who is stunned to hear all this follows her example) Ross: Uhm, I hadn't no you... I had no idea you were so excited about Paris. Uhm, I mean, you said you were scared. Rachel: Well yeah, but I mean, it was good scared though, you know? Like when I-moved-to-New-York scared. Or uhm, when I-found-out-I-was-gonna-have-Emma scared... But this is... fine. This is gonna be good. (they both stare around) Ross: (after a long pause) You should go. Rachel: What? Ross: It's what you want. You should go. Rachel: You really think so? Ross: I really do. Rachel: But I already told Zelner that I would come back... Ross: (picks up a skull of some carnivore from his side table and puts it in the same bag in which he brought the pterodactyl egg to Zelner) I'm sure he'll understand. Rachel: All right. ALL RIGHT! I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go to Paris. Ross: Yeah... Rachel: Yeah! I'm going to Paris. Thank you, Ross! Ross: Yeah, yeah, oh! (They hug) Rachel: Oh! Oh, I'm so happy. Ross: Then I'm happy too. (They're still hugging - fade out) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Estelle's memorial service. Joey is giving a speech. Next to him is a blown op photograph of Estelle behind her desk and there's a man standing next to him.] Joey: Thank you all for coming. We're here today to pay respects to a wonderful agent and a beautiful woman... (Joey looks at the photograph) ..inside. As Estelle's only two clients we would like to say a few words. (Joey looks for his notes. The man next to him is chewing something.) Dude, where's my speech? (the man swallows something and looks at Joey.) That is entertaining. Al Zebooker everybody. (he applauds and Al shows that there's nothing left in his mouth.)

Joey's agent Estelle dies, but the group doesn't want to tell him as it could push him over the edge after all the recent changes he's witnessed. Phoebe impersonates Estelle's voice and pretends to still be alive to try to get Joey to fire her, but Joey ends up terrified when he gets a phone call from 'Estelle' after learning about her death. While being shown their new home by their realtor ( Jane Lynch ), Monica and Chandler are horrified to find that Janice ( Maggie Wheeler ) is considering buying the house next door to them, leading Chandler to take drastic measures to ensure she doesn't move in. Ross tries to get Rachel her old job back so she won't have to move to Paris. However, when he succeeds, Rachel becomes upset that, although she won't have to leave her friends, she won't be able to visit the ' Fashion Capital of the World '. In the end, Ross persuades her to do what she wants to do.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_07x15

fd_Gilmore_Girls_07x15_0

PARIS AND DOYLE'S APARTMENT [Hallway outside, Lorelai knocks on the door, New-age music playing] PARIS: [From inside] Yes? LORELAI: Um, Paris, it's Lorelai. PARIS: Come in. The door is open. LORELAI: I'm so sorry that it's so early. I... oh. Wow. Hey. PARIS: Sorry. We're in the middle of our yoga practice. LORELAI: I didn't, uh, really imagine you guys to be the yoga types. DOYLE: It was a circuitous path that led us here. PARIS: I only signed up for the class 'cause I thought it'd help me B.S. My way through any med-school interviews when they talk about all that homeopathic, holistic, naturopathic, chiropractic, tcm, unani, ayurveda crap. DOYLE: Plus, we thought it would be funny to goof on. But now... PARIS: I guess the great cosmic goof is on us. LORELAI: Is Rory asleep? PARIS: You mean spiritually or literally? LORELAI: Literally. PARIS: Yeah, I think so. PARIS AND DOYLE'S APARTMENT - RORY'S ROOM [Lorelai knock on Rory's door] RORY: Hey, mom. LORELAI: Hey. Sorry I didn't call first. I left my phone at home. And it's 6:00 in the morning. Why are you up? RORY: Ah Paris and Doyle were chanting. Why are you up? LORELAI: Oh, I've been up for a while, driving... RORY: Driving? LORELAI: Yeah for a few hours. RORY: Driving? LORELAI: Yeah driving. RORY: Mom, what's going on? LORELAI: Want to go for a drive? RORY: Um, sure. Let's go for a drive. JEEP - DRIVING [Rory and Lorelai road unknown] RORY: So...we're driving. LORELAI: Yeah, we're driving. [quite for a few seconds] Honey, your dad and I split up... last night. RORY: Oh, mom, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? LORELAI: I'm okay -- I'm driving, moving forward. RORY: You are driving. LORELAI: Yep. It just wasn't right, you know? And he knew it wasn't right, and I knew it wasn't right. It just wasn't... RORY: It wasn't right. LORELAI: It wasn't, and pretending it was, was just gonna hurt him and hurt me, and we didn't want to do that, so we split up, and he's moving out, and... what are you thinking? RORY: I don't know. I guess, first of all, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And...secondly... I guess I'm thinking that I'm not totally surprised. I mean, at first, I was so excited that you guys were getting together because it seemed like something that was meant to be. LORELAI: Yep RORY: Something that was like destiny. But...then... I guess... to me, it kind of never felt right. I'm so sorry. LORELAI: I just want you to know, your dad is gonna be in your life -- in our lives. RORY: I know that. LORELAI: And Gigi, too. I mean, your dad is still your dad, you know? RORY: I know that, mom. I do. So, who else knows? LORELAI: Nobody. That's it. Well, you and the Quickie Mart guy. RORY: You told the Quickie Mart guy? LORELAI: I was upset. I was standing by the magazines. I didn't want him to think I was verklempt over Nicole Richie. So...that's it. I wish I could leave it at that. The idea of telling your grandmother -- god. [Jeep starts making noises and the engine shuts off] LORELAI: Oh. Oh, wow. RORY: What? LORELAI: I... we're out of gas? RORY: We're out of...gas. [Lorelai tries to start the Jeep.] RORY: Hmm. LORELAI: I've never run out of gas before. RORY: Me neither. LORELAI: Well, here we are. RORY: Out of gas. LORELAI: Well, I guess I should ca-- I don't have my cell phone. RORY: I left mine in my room. Okay. It's okay. No, it's fine. We'll just have to get gas somehow. We can do this. LORELAI: There's a gas station up ahead, where route 68 goes through Naugatuck. RORY: Okay. So...we're walking? LORELAI: Oh, we're walking. [They both chuckle and exit the Jeep.] LORELAI: Well, it's a beautiful day. RORY: Yes, it is. LORELAI: It's weird that it can be so beautiful. RORY: Yeah. How far is Naugatuck from here? LORELAI: I don't know exactly. RORY: I guess it's walking distance. LORELAI: [Chuckles] I hope it's walking distance. OPENING CREDITS GILMORE MANSION - FRONT DOOR [Doorbell rings, maid opens the door] LORELAI: Hello? RORY: Hi, there. LORELAI: How you doing? AURORA: [quietly] May I take your coats? LORELAI: Hmm? AURORA: Coats? LORELAI: Oh. Okay. [Chuckles] Thank you. AURORA: Um...I t-- I think she's in the living room. I'm not sure. Uh... LORELAI: What? Her mouth is moving. I can't hear anything. Is something wrong with my ears? RORY: No, I don't think it's your ears. poor thing. LORELAI: This house is a giant Skinner box with Chippendale chairs. Hello? EMILY: [From the living room] In here! [The girls go into the living room] LORELAI: Hey, mom. RORY: Hey, grandma. EMILY: Hello, Rory, Lorelai. How are you? LORELAI: Oh good. How are you? How's dad? Is he up to this, you think? EMILY: Why wouldn't he be? LORELAI: Well mum he just got out of the hospital. I just wonder if it's too soon. EMILY: The doctor said there's no reason he can't go back to his normal routine, as long as he doesn't do anything too strenuous. It's not as though sitting at a table having dinner with one's family requires a great deal of effort. LORELAI: [Chuckles] Oh well... you're right. EMILY: He should be down by now. Is Christopher coming? LORELAI: Um...he's not able to make it tonight. I'm sorry. EMILY: Well... that's too bad. In the meantime, can I offer you a drink? LORELAI: Yes. The usual -- Martini up, with a twist. EMILY: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not serving alcohol tonight. LORELAI: [Too Rory] I told you there was something wrong with my ears. [too Emily] What? EMILY: I'm serving nonalcoholic cocktails only. LORELAI: There's no such thing as a nonalcoholic cocktail. EMILY: There most certainly is. It's called a Mocktail. LORELAI: You're serving Mocktails? EMILY: Yes. I can offer you a Shirley Temple or Roy Rogers. RORY: I'll have a Roy Rogers. LORELAI: Why not a howdy doody or a captain kangaroo? EMILY: Lorelai, stop being so selfish. We're doing this for your father. After you've had open-heart surgery, alcohol is strictly verboten. LORELAI: [too Rory] No alcohol. No alcohol. EMILY: Well, there you are. I told you to tell Mr. Gilmore that his daughter and granddaughter were pulling into the driveway15 minutes ago. FRANCETTE: Mr. Gilmore says he's in the middle of watching golf and he'll be down as soon as he's finished. EMILY: Golf? He's watching golf? Well, if you tell him we're expecting him downstairs, I would very much appreciate it. FRANCETTE: I'm not really sure that falls under my job description....Fine. Fine. EMILY: Fine. FRANCETTE: Fine. EMILY: Here you go. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: Oh, that's a strong one, mom. You know I'm driving. RORY: Tastes great. LORELAI: You know what else tastes great? Rum. EMILY: For heaven's sake, Lorelai. If you're unable to go for a few hours without alcohol, I can send the maid out to get you a six-pack. [Seeing Richard on the stairs] Richard! RICHARD: All right. I'm here. You can put away your leash. RORY: Hey, grandpa. LORELAI: Hey, dad. RICHARD: Rory, Lorelai. LORELAI: How are you feeling? RICHARD: Well like a man who's been torn away from one of the most pivotal golf matches in history. LORELAI: If you're not up for it, we can take a rain check. EMILY: We don't need a rain check. Richard, wouldn't you like to change for dinner? RICHARD: No, if you're going to treat me like a patient, I'm going to act like a patient. Patients wear robes. EMILY: All right. Fine. May I offer you a Mocktail? RICHARD: No. I don't want a Mocktail. In fact, I'd like to skip "Mocktail hour" altogether and go straight to dinner. EMILY: B-but it isn't time yet to... RICHARD: [Sighs] EMILY: All right. We'll eat now. Ah Francette, would you please go tell Aurora to tell Stefan we are ready to have dinner served now? FRANCETTE: Look, Mrs. Gilmore, I have to reiterate, I am here as a medical professional, not a carrier pigeon. RICHARD: Well, as a medical professional, you should be concerned with my health. And not eating isn't healthy, is it? Nor is getting agitated. And I have to tell you Francette, I'm getting quite agitated. FRANCETTE: Don't threaten me, Mr. Gilmore. EMILY: It's fine, it's fine. I'll go tell her myself. [They start to move into the dinning room] RORY: Wow. LORELAI: A six-pack sounds really good right now. [Now in the dinning room, classical music playing] AURORA: Here's your plate, sir. I hope it's not too hot -- the plate, not the food. [Whispers indistinctly] RICHARD: Oh, well. It's fish again. EMILY: It's sea bass. RICHARD: And sea bass is a fish -- hence my comment "surprise, surprise -- it's fish again." RORY: It tastes good. RICHARD: Tastes like fish. EMILY: I don't think it tastes fishy. Sea bash is not a fishy fish. Mackerel is a fishy fish. Trout can be a fishy fish. But sea bass is not really a fishy fish. RICHARD: I didn't say it tasted fishy. I said it tasted like fish. RORY: I think it tastes good. LORELAI: You know the green beans are very green-beany, which is so good, especially if you like green beans, which I do. RORY: Mmm. LORELAI: Anyone see any good movies lately? EMILY: No. RICHARD: This fish is bland. EMILY: Would you like some more lemon-dill sauce? RICHARD: No. EMILY: Okay. LORELAI: The sauce is good. EMILY: It's nice, isn't it? LORELAI: Tart, but not too tart. Stefan, the chef we stole from the Lowells, is doing a marvelous job incorporating the dietary recommendations... RICHARD: Enough. If forced, I may eat this fish, but I absolutely refuse to waste my time having a conversation about it. So, Lorelai, I take it that Christopher is still out of town? LORELAI: He...couldn't make it tonight. RICHARD: That's too bad. EMILY: That man has been traveling quite a lot lately. LORELAI: Oh yeah, I guess. RICHARD: Well I hope he'll be around for the party your mother's planning. I know I'm looking forward to it. It's my only hope for eating a decent meal in the foreseeable future. Your mother was planning to serve Cornish game hens. Is that still the plan, Emily? EMILY: Yes, I've even spoken to the caterer about preparing a special skinless hen for you. RICHARD: Oh, for heaven's sakes. EMILY: Don't get angry, Richard. It's your doctor's orders, not mine. RICHARD: You know what? I'm full. RORY: These flowers are pretty. LORELAI: They really are nice. RICHARD: If you will excuse me, I have to get back to my golf. EMILY: Richard! RICHARD: Please. I know I've missed Jacklin's bogey on the 16th. I'm not missing his putt on the 17th. That's a famous putt, Emily. EMILY: Wait -- you're watching an old golf game? Well, it's the last singles match of the '69 Ryder cup. Jacklin, Nicklaus -- the concession! EMILY: I can't believe you're watching an old golf game instead of eating... RICHARD: Fish? EMILY: Dinner with your family. You already know how it's going to turn out. RICHARD: Well, that never stopped people going to see "Hamlet." Lorelai, Rory, good night. Emily. EMILY: Richard... Richard! EMILY: The idea that two grown men hitting a tiny ball with metal sticks is the equivalent of "hamlet" -- ridiculous. But can I say anything? No! Because I can't agitate him. LORELAI: It is ridiculous. Golf is more like "Richard III." You know they're all hunched over. EMILY: I'm going to go get him. RORY: It sounds like grandma's going full steam ahead with this whole party-planning thing. LORELAI: I know! RORY: She's going to kill 400 Cornish game hens - probably with her own bare hands. LORELAI: Your grandfather just had a heart attack. Your grandmother is not drinking. This isn't exactly the ideal time to tell them their one and only daughter's marriage is over. RORY: I know. LORELAI: I don't know what she'll do. She's gone bananas. I mean for all I know, she'll throw a Molotov Mocktail at me. RORY: I know, but only you can save the Cornish game hens. Save the Cornish game hens! LORELAI: [Sighs] LOGAN'S NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT [Morning, Rory is preparing a tray of food] RORY: Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? Get back in bed. LOGAN: I just want to check my e-mail real quick. RORY: Oh, no, no, no. LOGAN: What's the big deal? RORY: Well I made you a special birthday breakfast in bed, and if you don't go back to bed, it's gonna be a special birthday breakfast at a desk, which is something I have never heard of. Happy birthday. [They kiss] LOGAN: Mmmm, now it is, now that there are cinnamon buns in the picture. RORY: Are you impressed? It's my specialty. I can cook anything that comes in a tube. LOGAN: I am impressed and hungry. RORY: Nuh-unh-unh! Get back in bed! You are the birthday boy. You should not be working. You should be luxuriating, eating peeled grapes and being fanned with palm fronds. LOGAN: Peeled grapes ha. RORY: Mm-Hmm. LOGAN: Well, what if the birthday boy gets back in bed but is allowed to bring his laptop? RORY: Deal. LOGAN: So somebody's pretty into this whole birthday thing. RORY: Well if by "birthday thing," you mean the celebration of the miracle of your birth, the anniversary of the day when this world went from being a world without Logan Huntzberger to a world with Logan Huntzberger, then, yes, I'm pretty into it. LOGAN: You really love me, don't you? RORY: Well you're okay. LOGAN: I'm not used to all this hoopla. Birthdays aren't a very big deal in the Huntzberger family. RORY: Why not? LOGAN: Because birthdays aren't something you achieve. Why should you be lauded for something that just happens? RORY: Well didn't you have birthday parties when you were a kid? LOGAN: They were parties, sort of, but not with any kids I actually knew. RORY: That sounds like a blast. LOGAN: And I never had a regular birthday cake. I always wanted just a good old, plain yellow cake. You know with cake frosting but desserts were some fancy flamb thing with alcohol in them. RORY: Well, those years of birthday neglect will become a faint memory after the Gilmore treatment. LOGAN: Plenty of hoopla in a Gilmore birthday, huh? RORY: Mm-hmm. Hoopla and then some. My mom always went all out. LOGAN: How's your mom doing? RORY: She's okay. LOGAN: And you? RORY: I feel like celebrating your birthday. Why are you working? It's your birthday. And I thought your deal was already closed. LOGAN: It is. RORY: Well then all that's left to do is celebrate -- and to tell your dad, because you said Huntzberger's celebrate achievement right. Isn't closing this deal a pretty big achievement? LOGAN: Well I don't want to tell my dad -- not yet. He can read about it in the wall street journal, which in fact is what I just had sent to me -- the press release. RORY: The press release, huh? That's fancy. LOGAN: [reading] "Huntzberger, a young visionary entrepreneur." Does that sound dorky? RORY: Nope. Sounds great. It's exciting. LOGAN: These are good, by the way. RORY: Good. LOGAN: But what would be great with them is a nice bowl of peeled grapes. RORY: Oh yeah. LOGAN: Would you make peeled grapes? RORY: If they come in a tube, I do. LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM [Telephone rings, Lorelai answers it.] LORELAI: Hello? EMILY: Lorelai? [Emily is at her home] LORELAI: Mum. EMILY: They won't deliver. LORELAI: Who won't deliver what. EMILY: And, apparently, none of their help has driver's licenses. That's a little irresponsible, don't you think? LORELAI: You got to help me out a little here mum. EMILY: [Sighs, then to Francette] Why are you leering at me? LORELAI: I'm not leering at... mother, are you on peyote? FRANCETTE: Mr. Gilmore's light bulb is bothering him. EMILY: I'm sorry -- is that some sort of nurse code? FRANCETTE: The 60-watt bulb on his bedside lamp is apparently casting a harsh glare on the television. EMILY: Well, then, get him another light bulb. FRANCETTE: It's just not my job. EMILY: Then get Francette to do it. FRANCETTE: I am Francette. LORELAI: [Heard on the phone] Mom! FRANCETTE: Aurora is the maid. EMILY: Then Aurora, ask aurora to find a light bulb. FRANCETTE: I can't find aurora. EMILY: You can't find aurora? FRANCETTE: She's hiding from Mr. Gilmore. LORELAI: [On the Phone] Hello? EMILY: She's hiding from -- [Scoffs] Never mind. I'll get it myself. Honestly -- these people! LORELAI: Mother what is going on over there? EMILY: Your father is running low on his blood thinners, and the pharmacy can't be bothered to deliver. LORELAI: Are you calling to ask me if I will pick up dad's prescription? EMILY: Well, I can't leave the house, or chaos will ensue. LORELAI: You're calling to imply that you would like to ask me to pick up dad's prescription? EMILY: It's a pharmacy at the corner of Walden and Hasbrook lane. [Emily hangs up] LORELAI: Okay... [Hearing dial tone] hello? No, it's no problem at all. I'd be happy to. It's just nice to be appreciated. By the way, Chris and I broke up. Bye. [Lorelai looks a little sad] LUKE'S DINER [Babette and Miss Patty, Kirk is sitting near by, Luke is serving tables.] BABETTE: Yeah, it's true -- he's definitely moved out. Last time I saw the...beagle's car in the driveway, it was days ago. Then I saw the mover's truck, so only the...hen is living there now. MISS PATTY: So did the hen break up with the beagle, or the beagle with the hen? BABETTE: I don't know. MISS PATTY: Oh the poor hen. BABETTE: Yeah she's been through so much. MISS PATTY: You know, just kind of getting used to him -- the beagle. BABETTE: But he's not right for her. He's a beagle, you know. And beagles, beagles belong with beagles. MISS PATTY: And the hen belongs with the rooster. BABETTE: Maybe. MISS PATTY: Well, does the rooster know about the hen and the beagle? BABETTE: Oh, yeah, East Side Tillie was in here yesterday, blabbing her big mouth off. MISS PATTY: How did he take it? Did you see his face? BABETTE: Yeah, but you know the rooster. It's like looking at Stonehenge. I don't know what he thinks. MISS PATTY: Oh I hope he gets his act together because I think they're perfect. BABETTE: Yeah, but maybe sh-- the hen belongs with someone else... like a penguin or an ostrich. KIRK: I can no longer sit here and listen to this. MISS PATTY: Oh, good. Go sit over there. KIRK: I'm sorry, but I can't in good conscience let this perverse conversation continue. Are you insinuating that a hen could mate with an ostrich? Because even ignoring the question of biological feasibility, it's completely morally reprehensible. BABETTE: Oh, buzz off with your "morally reprehensible." KIRK: How do you expect her to lay those eggs? Have you thought about that, have you? [Babette and Miss Patty look at each other confused, the door of the diner opens] LIZ: Hey, big brother! [They hug] LUKE: Hey. T.J.: Surprise! LUKE: Yes sure am, Liz, T.J., Jeez, and piles of your belongings. LIZ: It's so good to see you. LUKE: Yeah, you, too. Hey, Doula. T.J.: She's looking good, huh? LUKE: Yeah. T.J.: Sturdy, too, like she might be a female wrestler or something. LUKE: Oh, fingers crossed. T.J.: Right you know what I'm thinking? Free tickets. LUKE: Yeah. So you two just decided to swing by the diner with a half a dozen bags and a baby apparatus of some kind? LIZ: No, we decided to come and keep you company. LUKE: Company? LIZ: Yeah now that April's in New Mexico, we figured you might be getting a little lonely. LUKE: Oh, no, I'm not getting lonely. I mean I miss having April around, sure, but I mean I talk to her every Wednesday after swim practice and every Sunday if she's done all her homework. It's going good. T.J.: Are you buying this? I'm not buying it. LUKE: Buying what? There's nothing to buy. Hey, where are you going? LIZ: Oh, don't do the stiff-upper-lip thing with us. We're family. We're here for you. LUKE: Look, Liz, it's really sweet of you to come by and visit, but... you're planning on staying here for a while? LIZ: We don't want you to be lonely. LUKE: How long exactly are you planning on keeping me company? LIZ: A few days, a week tops. LUKE: I don't need to be kept company. LIZ: Well yeah, but you -- we should just come clean. T.J.: No. LUKE: Yes about what? T.J.: About nothing. LUKE: T.J. T.J.: How about them Celtics, huh? They sure can dribble a basketball. LUKE: Liz! LIZ: We got moths. LUKE: I'm sorry? T.J.: Oh, me too, believe me. Luke, it's horrible. I hate those little floppy, fluttery jerks. LUKE: Moths, huh? T.J.: Ah dude, they're everywhere -- flying around, popping out of the flour container, congregating around the light bulbs, all pasty and white. I swear moths are like the loser butterflies that couldn't get laid if they tied a $100 bill to their... LUKE: T.J., I got it. You got moths. LIZ: So we figured we could avoid the moths and have a little quality time with you. LUKE: Yeah, all right, just go ahead upstairs, make yourselves at home. T.J.: Love it! [Luke looks happy] GILMORE MANSION - DINNING ROOM [Emily and Richard are eating dinner, it's very quite] EMILY: It's Miso Richard, its good for you. RICHARD: Soup. [puts down the spoon] Stephan, Stephan [to Emily] Soup is not a meal, nor is a salad. Soup and salad are either precursors to a meal or addenda. EMILY: Richard please. [Door bell rings] RICHARD: Soup and salad is not a meal. EMILY: We have Salmon if you want Salmon. RICHARD: I don't want salmon, for heavens sakes I don't want Salmon, what I would like is a proper meal. [Door bell again rings] EMILY: Aurora the door. STEPHAN: I was given certain dietary parameters. RICHARD: [Angry] I know that, I'm not stupid, I know what the situation is here. [Door bell again rings] STEPHAN: I just don't know if I can... EMILY: [shouting] Francette, Aurora, either of you, both of you will someone answer the door. [quieter] I'm sure Stephan is interested in you input Richard. RICHARD: Well here is my input, this food is in eatable. [Door bell again rings] EMILY: Fine I'll get it myself, not that is my job. STEPHAN: suggestion, maybe you would prefer some light sandwiches. RICHARD: Sandwiches! FRONT DOOR [Emily opens the door] LORELAI: Hi come bearing drugs. EMILY: Please don't bellow that. LORELAI: Bellow what [louder] "Drugs"?! EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: How's dad doing Mom. EMILY: He's just fine. RICHARD: [heard from the other room] I swear you can get better food in an airplane, I haven't been in a submarine but I'd wager the food is better there too. EMILY: It's an adjustment. LORELAI: Hmm DINNING ROOM [Emily and Lorelai enter] STEPHAN: Let me offer one more suggestion. RICHARD: What tacos?! STEPHAN: No I quit! RICHARD: Fine. EMILY: Stephan no. STEPHAN: I'll tell you something, I have worked in so many four-star restaurants I could have my own constellation. And yet I'm treated like this, I'm sorry but I have too much self respect to work for this terror. [throws his apron on the floor and storms out.] LORELAI: How things going around here EMILY AND RICHARD: Fine. LORELAI: Feeling okay dad? RICHARD: I'm fine, now if you'll excuse me I thing I'm gonna go watch Bob Tway vanquish Greg Norman in the 86' PGA championship. EMILY: Oh before you go did you manage to call Rod Mandel's office. RICHARD: No EMILY: But Angelique called three times this morning. RICHARD: Bully for her, I'm sorry I have golf to watch. EMILY: But Richard you didn't eat a thing. He didn't eat a thing. LORELAI: Well send something up to him. EMILY: Send what you just saw yourself Stephan just quite. LORELAI: Well you could make him something [Emily give Lorelai a look] I mean the maid could, what is her name. EMILY: Oh I don't know, Aurora I think. I don't know anyway she's hiding apparently, [looking] Aurora? Aurora? Where are you? LORELAI: The maid is hiding? EMILY: According to the nurse, but she's useless because she won't do anything that doesn't involve a stethoscope. LORELAI: I can make something for dad. EMILY: Oh please! LORELAI: I can make toast, if the conditions are ideal. EMILY: He won't eat it, anyway. He'll just snap at me, snapping at everyone in sight. The poor maid quivers every time he comes near her. She just quivers. LORELAI: Oh that terrible. EMILY: And his accountant's office keeps calling because he's supposed to be filing an 1120. Who knows what an 1120 is? LORELAI: I do. It's a federal tax form. EMILY: [Shouting] Aurora! Well he won't call them back. All he wants to do is watch golf. LORELAI: What's with all the golf? EMILY: I have no idea. He just lies there in bed, staring at the TV like a zombie. Everything is falling apart everything is chaotic. LORELAI: Mom, please, sit down. I'm gonna make you a delicious Mocktail, huh? And then you enjoy that and relax and I'll take care of the chef and I'll make sure that dad takes his medicine so you don't have to worry. Here. EMILY: Thank you. But I'm going to call Angelique and ask about this 1120. LORELAI: [Sighs] I'll find aurora. [Shouting comically] Aurora! GILMORE MANSION - KITCHEN [Later, Lorelai and Sookie enter] SOOKIE: To heat most of these up, you just zap them for a couple minutes. LORELAI: Okay. SOOKIE: Don't worry, each meal has a note with cooking instructions, taped to it. LORELAI: Did I already tell you you're a goddess? SOOKIE: You might have mentioned something to that effect. Could I be the one with the multiarms? LORELAI: The who? SOOKIE: The goddess with all the arms, I want to be her. LORELAI: Sure. Hey, these look good. SOOKIE: Don't sound so surprised. LORELAI: Yeah, but they're supposed to be healthy, right. I mean they're all healthy? [Lorelai cell phone rings] SOOKIE: They're ridiculously healthy. LORELAI: [Answering her phone] Hey! RORY: What did we do for my 8th birthday? [Rory is at Logan's apartment and has a pi ata with her.] LORELAI: I don't know. Is this a quiz? Are you on some sort of radio contest? RORY: No for Logan's birthday, I'm trying to put together a night of all the birthday highlights that he missed. LORELAI: And you're looking for the classics? RORY: Exactly. I remember that we had an outer-space birthday when I turned 6. LORELAI: Right. We made space suits out of garbage bags. We had tang and freeze-dried ice cream. RORY: And then when I turned 7, we did a fiesta birthday. LORELAI: Mm-hmm. Pi atas and tacos and freeze-dried ice cream. RORY: Oh freeze-dried ice cream is the best. I remember really enjoying my 8th birthday. I just don't remember what it was. LORELAI: Teddy-bear tea party. RORY: Oh that's right. So, how's it going over there? LORELAI: I'd say weirder. Your grandma's a little on edge. RORY: [her phone beeps] Oh, hey, mom, it's Logan on the other line, can you hold on a sec. LORELAI: Yeah tell him "happy birthday" for me. RORY: Will do. [switches to Logan] Happy birthday. LOGAN: Thank you. [Logan is in a coffee shop] RORY: And happy birthday from my mom. LOGAN: Thank you. Hey, so my dad just called. RORY: Oh, he did? Yeah. Apparently, he remembered my birthday, and actually he said he wants to take us out to dinner, you and me. RORY: Oh. That's...great. LOGAN: Now I know it's last minute and I know you got your special Gilmore hoopla treatment planned, so we don't have to go if you don't want to go. RORY: No, no, we should go we can always do the Gilmore hoopla after we have dinner with your dad. LOGAN: Are you sure, it will probably be lame, for all I know, he's invited us to crash a meeting with Rupert Murdoch. RORY: Well that's cool. I can hang with mad dog Murdoch. LOGAN: Okay. Well, cool, cool. Thanks Ace. I'll call him back. RORY: Happy birthday! LOGAN: Bye! RORY: [Switches back to Lorelai] Hey, sorry about that. LORELAI: How's the birthday boy? RORY: He's good. He's fine. But I guess his dad called and wants to take us out to a birthday dinner tonight. LORELAI: That sounds like a load of laughs. RORY: Yeah, Mitchum -- that man is fundamentally incapable of making me feel anything but small and awful. LORELAI: Now that's not true, he's made you feel incompetent, too. RORY: Well I guess Logan was excited that his dad wanted to take us out, so that's sweet. Have you told grandma and grandpa about you and dad yet? LORELAI: Um, not yet. RORY: Well I feel obligated to remind you that the lives of 400 Cornish game hens hang in the balance. LORELAI: Happy Logan's birthday. RORY: Happy Logan's birthday to you. LORELAI: Bye. [Hangs up} Mmm, that looks unhealthy. SOOKIE: Thank you. LUKE'S APARTMENT [Luke is getting dinner ready, Liz is making jewelry and TJ is looking after Doula, Upbeat music starts playing] T.J.: Oh, I love this song. LIZ: I don't know why we didn't think of this before. LUKE: Think of what? LIZ: Using your fishing line for stringing -- it's really incredible. Durable yet plenty thin and flexible. LUKE: I'm glade. LIZ: And some of this doohickeys, man, are really cute. Check it out -- sexy, yeah? T.J.: Oh, wow, babe, these are gorgeous. LIZ: Thank you, sweetie. T.J.: I'm so proud of your sister, Luke. This jewelry stuff has really taken off, you know? And it's great, you know because now I can be the stay-at-home dad I've always dreamed of being while this one goes out and brings home the bacon. LIZ: We're gonna drive our new van from trade show to trade show, selling the jewelry. Like in a couple weeks, there's this big show in Manhattan. LUKE: Oh yeah. LIZ: Yeah at the Javits center. T.J.: We'll just load up the van, head up 91, and start showing off the family jewels. LUKE: Oh sounds good but I wouldn't take the 91 through New Haven. There's tons of construction there now. I'd take the Merritt. LIZ: How do you know? LUKE: 'Cause I went there to visit Lorelai's dad when he had the heart attack. LIZ: You did? LUKE: Yeah I thought I told you that. LIZ: No you told me he had a heart attack. You didn't tell me you went to the hospital. LUKE: What's the big deal? LIZ: [Laughs] I don't know. I mean, you went there for Lorelai, and what's going on with her and her husband? LUKE: I don't know. They split up or something. LIZ: They did? LUKE: Yeah, well, a week or so ago. LIZ: Well, well, well. LUKE: What? LIZ: The plot thickens. LUKE: The plot does not thicken, okay? We're friends -- that's all. I just went out when I heard her dad was sick. T.J.: Phew! That is a relief. LIZ: T.J.! T.J.: What it's a load off my mind, that's all I'm saying. 'Cause I don't think you should get back together with her. LUKE: Nobody's talking about getting back together with her. T.J.: Good. 'Cause that woman is drama. Every time you mention her, it's got something to do with the hospital. LUKE: What! LIZ: So how's her dad doing? LUKE: Well good, I guess. LIZ: You haven't called Lorelai? LUKE: No. T.J.: Don't call her. Don't open that Pandora's box. LIZ: If he wants to call her, he should -- they're friends. T.J.: Just lock it up, Luke. Lock it up. Solder that baby shut. [Luke looks a little mad] [SCENE_BREAK] RESTAURANT - NEW YORK CITY MAITRE D: Would you follow me, please? Mr. Huntzberger is already at the table. LOGAN: "Mr. Huntzberger is already at the table." RORY: I told you. MITCHUM: Hey, hey there they are. Happy birthday, Logan. Rory, RORY: Hi MITCHUM: Great to see you. RORY: You too. MITCHUM: Sit, sit. I took the liberty of ordering a bottle of champagne for the table. LOGAN: Oh nice. MITCHUM: Rory, how does that sound? RORY: Sounds like music to my ears. MITCHUM: Good, good, so, you look pretty good. You been hitting the squash courts lately? LOGAN: Oh man I wish. I haven't had much of a chance. I've been working pretty much nonstop these days. RORY: He has been. MITCHUM: Well, good for you. A little hard work never hurt anybody. To my son -- now a quarter of a century old. Not bad. And to his lovely girlfriend -- the beautiful and always witty Rory. LOGAN: Hear, hear. WAITER: Here's a little Amuse-Bouche with avocado and crabmeat, compliments of the chef. MITCHUM: Oh, tell Markham thanks. RORY: You know the chef here? MITCHUM: Yeah, I've known him for, uh... wow... almost 15 years now. Interesting story, actually -- he was the Sous chef at Le Bernardin, ah for a bunch of years. [Trying the food] Mmm... that's good. That's good crab. Anyway, one day, he just quit -- said he wanted to start his own restaurant. Everyone thought it was a bad idea at the time. The odds were against him. Opening a successful restaurant in Manhattan is like catching a firefly in your hand, only a hell of a lot more expensive. LOGAN: Well all I can tell you is this Amuse-Bouche is great. RORY: Yes, my mouth is very amused. MITCHUM: [Chuckles] That's funny. But it was a very gutsy move. And it paid off. LOGAN: He caught that firefly. MITCHUM: Exactly. So, Rory, tell me -- are you still planning to pursue journalism? RORY: Yes I am, I have been writing some articles for an online magazine and I've just applied for the James Reston reporting fellowship. MITCHUM: You know what you should read? Philip Meyer's latest book... RORY: "The Vanishing Newspaper." I read it. I loved it. MITCHUM: It's an interesting time in journalism. You know. I'll tell you what our field needs -- an infusion of bright, talented people like you, Rory. RORY: Thank you. MITCHUM: I mean it. GILMORE MANSION - RICHARD'S OFFICE [Lorelai enters] LORELAI: So, dad took his medicine. He at half of Sookie's chicken and the entire mango smoothie. I got three recommendations of personal chefs from Sookie, two of them I've spoken to on the phone, [handing the notes] there. EMILY: Thank you. Why are you doing all this? LORELAI: I'm just trying to help mum. I don't want you to be stressed. EMILY: But I am. I'm so stressed out I can't find anything. LORELAI: What are you looking for? EMILY: Your father's accountant wants all sorts of information so he can file these taxes, which are apparently due in February. LORELAI: Maybe I can help. EMILY: How can you help? LORELAI: Mom, I have a business. I helped dad set up this business. I went to business school. Here let me see that. EMILY: What are you doing? Don't touch the computer. You could mess something up. LORELAI: Don't worry, mom. I know what I'm doing. Okay, so he's using quicken. A profit and loss statement, a balance sheet, a schedule of assets are things I can pull up. We can e-mail them to the accountant for the 1120. EMILY: How do you know about 1120s? LORELAI: Well I have to file them for the inn. The inn's a corporation just like dad's company. EMILY: Why is everything a corporation? LORELAI: We incorporated so we were protected from personal liability. So if someone was horribly allergic to pillow mints and wanted to sue me for a million dollars, I wouldn't have to pay for it out of my own pocket. EMILY: Your father and I don't have anyone who wants to sue us. LORELAI: Well, dad probably did it for tax purposes. It looks like he's got a couple of different investments, some stocks, a rental building. EMILY: Would you like a drink? LORELAI: Mmm, I thought the house was dry. EMILY: Vodka or scotch? LORELAI: Wow, it's a regular speakeasy. EMILY: Would you like a drink or not? LORELAI: Vodka, please. [Opens it ready to drink] EMILY: I have glasses. LORELAI: Oh. EMILY: Serve yourself. Just because your father can't drink doesn't mean the rest of us should suffer. Cheers. [They drink] Ah! That's better. LORELAI: Mom, Christopher and I split up. EMILY: Okay... I hardly know what to say. LORELAI: Really? That's great. You don't have to say anything at all -- now or ever. [Silent for a few moments] EMILY: [Looking at the computer] What's a windmill park? LORELAI: Uh, it looks like dad owns a couple of windmills in Palm Springs. EMILY: We own windmills? LORELAI: Well they're energy generators. EMILY: I had no idea we owned windmills. RESTAURANT - NEW YORK CITY LOGAN: That lamb was terrific, my compliments to the your friend, the chef. MITCHUM: Well, you're a good orderer. He's always been a good orderer. Even when he was 8 years old, he's always ordered well. RORY: It's a good skill to have. MITCHUM: It is, it is and you know what I should do? I should just order whatever you're ordering, no matter what it is. LOGAN: Brains it is, followed by sweetbreads and some rocky mountain oysters. [Laughter from Mitchum, Logan's cell phone rings] Oh, this is a business thing, if you guys don't mind. [On the phone] Huntzberger here. No, I haven't talked to him yet. MITCHUM: "Huntzberger here." RORY: Yeah. MITCHUM: Last year, if he got a call interrupting dinner, it would be an invitation to go drink some bodies expensive liquor and pull some ridiculous prank. He's growing up. RORY: Yeah, he's doing really great. MITCHUM: He is, and it's because of you. RORY: Oh, I don't know about that. MITCHUM: No, I know you encouraged him to go to London. I know you used your influence in a positive way, and Logan's mother and I really appreciate it. RORY: Well, I think Logan deserves all the credit for what he's done. MITCHUM: No, you're too modest, Rory. You've been a real asset to Logan and to our family. RORY: Oh, well...thanks. MITCHUM: I know we've had our differences in the past. RORY: Yeah. MITCHUM: But I'm glad to know that we're now clearly on the same page. RORY: Okay, yeah. Good. [Chuckles] MITCHUM: To being on the same page? RORY: To being on the same page. [Glasses clink as they toast] MITCHUM: I am really glad we got the chance to talk tonight. In part, because we still have more work to do. RORY: What work? MITCHUM: Well we have to figure out what his next step should be. RORY: Uh, well, shouldn't he be figuring that out? MITCHUM: Well, you're part of the team here. And of course we're gonna take care of you, too. RORY: What do you mean? MITCHUM: We have newspapers all around the world. You can take your pick. RORY: My pick? MITCHUM: Mm-hmm. RORY: Um, I seem to remember you saying that I didn't have it. MITCHUM: Oh, please. Things change. Circumstances change. [Logan returns] LOGAN: Sorry that took so long, have you ever noticed that people in Hong Kong are really chatty? RORY: No I haven't. MITCHUM: You know what? That's true. I know a guy from Kowloon, and, man, is he a loquacious son of a bitch. Oh, here we go. WAITER: Apricot and walnut Verenikis drizzled with a raspberry reduction. [Rory and Logan look at each other] MITCHUM: I told them to make something special, for your birthday. LOGAN: Thanks. It looks great. RORY: Happy birthday. MITCHUM: Make a wish. [Blows out the single candle on the cupcake size cake] MITCHUM: There we go. [Laughter] LUKE'S APARTMENT [They are all in bed, Luke in April's, T.J. and Liz in Luke's. Doula is crying. Everyone is awake.] LIZ: Hey. T.J.: Ha? LIZ: It's your turn. T.J.: Hey, aren't we supposed to let her just cry to toughen her up and whatnot? Isn't that the latest parenting theory? LIZ: You only believe in that theory when it's your turn. T.J.: All right, all right. I just don't want her getting too soft. She's got a wrestling future to think of. Hey, there, little girl. How are you? [Picks Doula up] How are you? Oh. LIZ: Do you think Luke is lonely? I mean for real. [Luke is listening] T.J.: He does look a little lonely around the eyes. LIZ: I think he's lovesick over Lorelai. T.J.: Oh, boy. LIZ: T.J., I'm serious. T.J.: I just think that he might be better off lonely. LIZ: I think they belong together. T.J.: That's not what you said when they broke up. I always thought what you said then made a lot of sense, about them being in two different space-time continuums, something like that. [Luke moves in bed and looks at the ceiling] LIZ: It's all about the wormholes. T.J.: Between the dimensions? LIZ: Yep, all they've got to do is find the right wormhole. T.J.: I don't know. GILMORE MANSION - RICHARDS OFFICE LORELAI: So, if you want to access your bank and credit-card account information, you...? EMILY: Click "cash flow center." LORELAI: Yes, and if you want to see any of these menus, you right-click right, right...yes. EMILY: And if I want the hidden account bar, I double-click that arrow thing up there on the left. LORELAI: Mom, exactly. EMILY: [Sighs] I don't know how I'm gonna do all this. LORELAI: Mom, what are you talking about you just click, click, click. You got it all down. EMILY: Now, but I barely understand what you've been telling me. This is your father's job. LORELAI: Well, he'll be back on the job soon enough. EMILY: I don't know. Have you seen him? He's wearing a dressing gown. LORELAI: I know he's watching TV in the bedroom. I know, mom. You've got to give the guy a break. You know he's not gonna watch TV in the bedroom forever. EMILY: No. No, he's not. LORELAI: Oh, my god, I don't mean he's gonna die. EMILY: What are you telling me? That he's going to live forever? That he's immortal? Is that what you're telling me. LORELAI: No, I'm just saying, with time, you know... EMILY: It's like a canoe. LORELAI: What's like a canoe? EMILY: Life. LORELAI: Okay. EMILY: You're just paddling along in a canoe. LORELAI: Mother, have you ever been in a canoe? EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: Well I just can't picture you in a canoe. EMILY: Your father and I have been paddling a canoe together for years. Only now, he's dropped the paddle. LORELAI: Ahh! EMILY: He just dropped it. Not only that, but now the canoe is going in circles. LORELAI: Ah! EMILY: Without your father there, I'm paddling on my side and the canoe is spinning in circles, and the harder I paddle, the faster it spins, and it's hard work, and I'm getting tired. LORELAI: Dizzy, I would think. EMILY: You are in a kayak. You know how to do all of this. LORELAI: How does that put me in a kayak? EMILY: Kayaks have paddles with things on both ends. You steer it by yourself. LORELAI: Mom, you know how to do things by yourself. You are totally capable. EMILY: Sure, I went to Smith, and I was a history major, but I never had any plans to be an historian. I was always going to be a wife. I mean, the way I saw it, a woman's job was to run a home, organize the social life of a family, and bolster her husband while he earned a living. It was a good system, and it was working very well all these years. Only when your husband isn't there because he's watching television in a dressing gown, you realize how dependent you are. I didn't even know I owned windmills. LORELAI: Mom, now you know, and you know how to right-click. EMILY: But you. You provide for yourself. You're not dependent on anyone. LORELAI: Hmm. EMILY: You're independent. LORELAI: I am kayak, hear me roar. EMILY: I mean, look at you. For all these years, you've done very well without a husband. LORELAI: Maybe so, but I still wanted it to work out. EMILY: You know, the way I was raised, if a married couple split up, it was a disaster, because it meant the system had fallen apart, and it was particularly bad for the woman because she had to go out and find herself another rich husband, only she was older now. But with you, it's not such a disaster, is it? LORELAI: I guess not. EMILY: I mean It's really not such a horrible thing that you're going to get a divorce, not really. Oh, you're gonna be fine. [Lorelai flinches a little as Emily rubs her shoulder] LORELAI: [very quite] Thanks, mom. EMILY: You may even marry someone else someday. Who knows? LORELAI: [Snorts] Who knows? [Sighs] LOGAN'S APARTMENT [Logan and Rory arrive home] LOGAN: Do you know what I think impressed my dad the most? You eating a 24-ounce steak. Seriously, it was, like, a magic trick to him. It was a pretty fun dinner, though. RORY: Yeah, it was. LOGAN: Whoa! Look at all this! Ace! Oh, my god, you got me a pi ata! RORY: Well, you deserve a pi ata. I couldn't reach the ceiling, so I just... hey, um, Logan... LOGAN: Yeah? RORY: Um...your dad and I had a bit of a weird conversation tonight. LOGAN: Oh yeah. RORY: Yeah, he started thanking me for guiding you and steering you, or -- I don't know. And then he said that he and I should start planning your future, like, together. LOGAN: Well, that's my dad for you. RORY: Well, it felt really weird. I mean I felt like we were conspiring or something. I didn't even agree with what he was saying. I ended up toasting. I toasted him. LOGAN: What did you toast? RORY: "To being on the same page," which I'm not. I'm not even on the same page with him. You know I, I actually think that everything you've accomplished is just because you've worked hard, and I'm proud of you. I don't even know how the conversation ended up where it did. LOGAN: It's okay you know what just happened? You got Huntzbergered. That's what my dad does to people. He's the mast manipulator. You sit down, and you have your own opinions. But by the time you stand up, you hear yourself agreeing with him, and you stagger away confused and queasy. RORY: Yes! That's exactly it! I got Huntzbergered! LOGAN: It happens to the best of us. RORY: Well, I'm glad you're not upset. LOGAN: No, not at all, I mean, I don't like the fact that the guy thinks of me as some kind of puppet, but I have a hunch that pretty soon, he's gonna have to rethink that one. RORY: Hmm. LOGAN: You got me twister. I never had twister. RORY: You didn't? LOGAN: No. It was a childhood of deprivation. Oh, and "pin the tail on the --" what animal is that? [Rory puts on some music] RORY: Oh, that was a donkey, but I messed the ears up, put antlers on it. Now it's "pin the tail on the moose." LOGAN: I never had "pin the tail on the moose" as a boy, either. RORY: Poor little rich boy. I think that since we're short on time, we should skip strait ahead to the classic 12th birthday -- ice-skating in central park. LOGAN: Sounds good. [Logan's cell phone rings] RORY: Great. I'll go change. LOGAN: [Answering the cell phone] Hey, Philip, what's up, man? PHILLIP: I'm afraid I've got some grim news. LOGAN: What, what's going on? PHILLIP: I just got off the line with our lawyers. They say they just got a cease-and-desist letter from Prism Active, this tech company in Palo Alto, claming prior art on our media 10 platform. They're reviewing the patent now, but... LOGAN: What do you mean, "prior art"? PHILLIP: They're claiming patent infringement. LOGAN: But that's what we bought. Our patent's pending. We bought that technology. That's the entire value of the company. PHILLIP: But they are saying it's worthless. It was already owned. They were just waiting for someone with deep pockets to buy in before they sued. LOGAN: Oh, my god. PHILLIP: I'm so sorry. Happy birthday, man. {Logan is stunned as he hangs up the call] MUSIC PLAYING: "They're out to drive me crazy but not right now, I'm high as a cloud..." RORY: Okay. Close your eyes. MUSIC PLAYING: "Smoking out the window..." RORY: Are they closed? LOGAN: [Sighs] They're closed. RORY: Okay. Voil. LOGAN: [Exhales sharply] Wow. It's a giant, furry -- what the hell? RORY: It's a Russian Ushanka, which also doubles as a birthday crown. LOGAN: Wow. I bet I look great. RORY: Mmm, you have no idea. [Logan turns off the music as they leave.] LUKE'S APARTMENT [Morning, Luke enters.] T.J.: Hey, Luke. LUKE: Hey T.J. T.J.: You know what you could use? A changing table. LIZ: Yeah, and if you're getting stuff for your apartment, you should get a dryer. LUKE: Yeah I'm not getting things. Why do I need a dryer? LIZ: Sopping towels. LUKE: And why are the towels sopping? T.J.: My bad. I forgot you said not to use the garbage disposal. Well, not forgot, so much as, I thought you were exaggerating. LUKE: I wasn't exaggerating. LIZ: And we have more bad news. LUKE: Oh, yeah? T.J.: The exterminator said the moths turned out to be rice moths. LUKE: And this means you'll be staying how much longer? T.J.: Which means we're headed home right now. Most of the stuff's already in the car. LIZ: Rice moths are a snap to get rid of. They're already gone. It's just a bummer to leave, 'cause we've been having such a good time. LUKE: Yeah, yeah, but Doula should be in her own home. T.J.: That's what we thought, plus your mattress. Not so comfortable, shall we say. LUKE: Yeah, well, sorry about that. T.J.: No worries, no worries, but, uh, put it on the list of things you're gonna fix around here. All right, then. LUKE: Alright. T.J.: Thanks again. LUKE: Okay. T.J.: Your casa is my casa. For that, I'm grateful. LIZ: You take care. LUKE: Alright. LIZ: And call if you're feeling lonely. We will come and visit. Okay, anytime. Anytime. LUKE: Sounds great. LIZ: Anytime I mean it. [quietly] Bye. LUKE: Bye. [Liz shuts the door.] LUKE: [Sighs] Oh. [Luke sits down at the table and looks at the phone] GILMORE MANSION - DINNING ROOM [Emily is reading the paper and Lorelai enters] LORELAI: Good morning. EMILY: Good morning. Would you like some coffee? LORELAI: Yes. Oh, I woke up this morning, and I've got to say, for the first time in my life, I got where the teetotalers are coming from. If I had a hatchet and a barrel of booze, forget about it. EMILY: Hmm. LORELAI: What are you up to today? EMILY: Today? I'm going to attend a D.A.R. Lecture on native American art work. Then I have a lunch with Sarah Montgomery Brown and Melissa Seria, [sounding annoyed] and, of course, I'll have my hands full canceling the party. I've already called the florist and the hall. We'll only get 60% of our deposit back, but that's better than nothing. LORELAI: [Inhales deeply] I should go. I need time to change before I have to go to the inn. EMILY: Fine. [Lorelai starts to leave] Thank you for your help with the Quicken last night. LORELAI: [Sighs] You're welcome.

Lorelai finally gets up the nerve to tell Emily that she and Christopher are phfffft. And Logan thought he bought an internet company. Instead his dreams of entrepreneurial glory bought the farm.

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_06x15

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_06x15_0

[Scene: A Fancy Dinner Party. Pacey and Joey are attending a company dinner. Pacey is talking to the good-looking girl next to him, while Joey is sitting next to Pacey very bored. She begins to try to get her shoes that she had taken off earlier and are under the table by trying to reach them with her feet and pulling them to her. She eventually gives up trying to reach one of them, and crawls under the table to grab it. When she reaches it, she turns to crawl out and sees that the lady has her hand on Pacey's inner thigh, and is surprised and hits her table on the bottom of the table.] Joey: Ohh. [Pacey sees Joey climbing out of under the table.] Pacey: Would you excuse me for one second? Woman: Of course. Pacey: Darlin', I don't mean to pry, but... would you mind telling me just what the hell it is you're doing down there? Joey: It depends. Would you mind telling me what that girl's hand is doing knee-deep on your lap? Pacey: Excuse me? Joey: You heard me. Or perhaps you'd like me to involve the entire table, 'cause I'm sure her date would at least be marginally interested. Pacey: Ok, great. You've made your point. Which is what, exactly? Joey: Pacey... I want to go home. Now. I'm tired, I'm cranky, and I know you didn't read the fine print in our little rent-a-day contract, but it expires in exactly 35 minutes, so maybe you could just skip the subtleties and get her phone number? Pacey: Ok, sis down. It'll be fine. Joey: She thinks I'm your sister?! Pacey: Oh, will you look at that? Joey: Oh! Pacey: Did I not mention to you what a wonderful networking opportunity this was for me? Joey: Yes. That's how you suckered me into coming in the first place, but you know what? We've networked, we've schmoozed, and unless you take me home now, as in right now, I think little miss thing over there isn't going to be so interested when she sees your sister lean over the table and give you the tongue kissing of your life. Pacey: 5 minutes. We'll leave in 5 minutes. Joey: Thank you. Pacey: Great. [He turns back to the lady he was talking to. And Joey tries again to retrieve her shoe.] Pacey: Well, everything seems to be fine down there. [Chuckles] Sisters. You know? Woman: Yeah, and the guy I'm with is really my brother. Pacey: [Chucks] He is? Woman: No. Pacey: [Chuckles] Oh. Right. Woman: Well, look, I don't want beat around the bush. You seem like a nice guy. Pacey: So then you wouldn't mind if I called you? Woman: Sure. You could call me, I could call you, or I could ditch my date, and you could ditch your...sister. Pacey: [Chuckles] Woman: And we could meet back here in an hour and go to my place. Look, if you don't want to do this, I mean, if you're really with that girl... Pacey: that girl? Woman: The one that's under the table Pacey: Oh, that girl. That girl. Oh...no. No, no, no. I am most definitely not with that girl. Woman: So...it's a date? Pacey: Yes. I'll see you back here in an hour. Woman: [Giggles] [She leaves and Joey comes crawling out of under the table again.] Joey: Finally. I got my shoe. It was all the way across the table. Pacey: Was it really? Great. Then problem solved, whatever the problem was. We should probably be going. Ok? Joey: Wait, Pacey. Let me get my shoe. Pacey: Come on, Cinderella. Joey: [Sighs] You have a hot date or something? Pacey: No, but a beautiful woman did just offer to have s*x with me, no strings attached. Joey: You're so cute when you're delusional. [Opening Credits] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Inside Pacey's Car. Joey and Pacey have left the party and are driving home. Joey is shifting rather weirdly in her seat.] Joey: Pace...I just have one question. Pacey: Shoot. Joey: What the hell is happening to my butt right now? Pacey: That'll be the seat warmer, which comes standard on all your finer German automobiles. Joey: Huh. My lower half thanks you for moving so far up the socio-economic ladder. [They drive past an exit on the highway] Joey: Pacey, wasn't that turn we just sped past the way out of these godforsaken suburbs? Pacey: Yes, it was, but you and I are gonna be makin' a little pit stop. Joey: Pit stop? Oh, no. Perhaps I didn't impress upon you the importance of me being home, in bed, and out of these ridiculous clothes as soon as possible. I have an entire book to read before Hetson's class. Pacey: Ok, simmer down. This is gonna delay you, like, 2 minutes. Joey: What do you need, anyway? Pacey: Need? Joey: Yeah. The reason for the pit stop? The thing you can't live without until tomorrow morning? Pacey: Uh, laundry detergent. Joey: Laundry detergent? Pacey: Yes. Laundry detergent. Joey: Pacey, in the entire time I've known you, I don't think you've ever once done laundry. [Scene: They pull into the parking lot of a K-Mart. They get out of the car, and Pacey begins to walk towards the K-Mart, while Joey is quickly catching up to him.] Pacey: Uh, you don't have to come with me. You can wait in the car. Joey: You're seriously expecting me to wait out here while you're traipsing around the world's largest superstore? Pacey: Right. Joey: Wrong! It's cold, it's scary, and if you must know, I have to use the bathroom. Pacey: How could you possibly have to go to the bathroom 2 minutes ago, you didn't even want to stop. Joey: Do you want to argue about this, or shall we continue the 10-mile trek to the front of the store? [They eventually make their way up to the front door] Joey: Why did we have to park so far away, anyway? Pacey: I just spent 2 1/2 months' salary gettin' Dawson's house scraped off her front end. You think I want to leave her in the hands of those fine, upstanding citizens? [He points to the two guys collecting carts and running through the parking lot with them. He stops at the automatic door, but it doesn't open.] Pacey: Nooo. Joey: Great. It's closed. Pacey: It can't be closed. There's still people inside. [One of the doors next to it opens, and a security guard it letting some customers out.] Guard: Good night, now, folks. Drive safe. [The guard watches the customers leave and then notices the guys with the carts over by his car] Guard: Hey! What the hell are you lamebrains doin' out there?! The Monte Carlo! Watch the Monte Carlo! [He runs out and Pacey fakes a yawn and then catches the door before it can close.] Pacey: [Yawns] [The quickly make their way inside] Joey: Oh. I'm gonna go Pacey: I know where you're goin'. [Scene: Inside K-Mart. They make their way into the store, and Joey notices a sign to the bathrooms, while Pacey begins to head off in another direction. Pacey goes over to the Condom section of the store, and begins looking at the selection when an employee comes up to him.] Pacey: [Sighs] Employee: Um...we're gonna be closing soon? Pacey: Ok. [Pacey grabs a three pack of Trojans.] Pacey: [Chuckles uncomfortably] Employee: Very nice. [Scene: The front of the store, by the registers. Pacey comes walking up to the registers to pay for the condoms, when Joey comes running up to him. He quickly puts the condoms into his pocket before Joey can see them.] Joey: There you are. Come on. Let's Pacey: Uh--I--could you just hold on for one second? Joey: No. I need you. Pacey: Need me...for what? You can't go to the toilet by yourself? Joey: Yes. That's exactly it. Pacey: What? Ok. C-can you just wait Joey: No. I can't. And why weren't you at the laundry? Pacey: Ok. Let's go. Joey: Thank you. Pacey: You're welcome. You just have to ask the right way. You know? Joey: You're so bossy. [Scene: Outside the bathroom. Pacey is sitting outside the men's bathroom, cause the women's bathroom is taped off and Joey in using the men's bathroom. Joey comes out of the bathroom, and Pacey pushes himself off the wall he is leaning on.] Pacey: Is your nose of adventure really so lacking you could not have used this washroom unattended? Joey: Pacey, the outer door doesn't lock. Somebody could've walked in at any point. Pacey: So? Joey: So... stall-to-stall chatting with strange men in public washrooms isn't really a life experience I need to have, thank you. Pacey: Who is going to walk in? There's nobody here. And the whole store's gonna close in 5 minutes anyhow. [The lights begins turning off.] [Scene: The front of the store. Joey and Pacey come running up to the front doors that are locked. They can see the guard and other employees getting into their cars outside.] Joey: Oh, my god. They're still here. Yell. Yell. Yell. Pacey: Hey! Joey: Hey! Mister! Mister! Pacey: Hey! Hey! Joey: Hello! Help! [The guard gets in his car without seeing them] Joey: This isn't happening. Tell me this isn't happening. Pacey: It's ok. He's gonna see the car. Joey: Pacey, we're parked in, like, another zip code. Pacey: All right, if we want to start pointing fingers, we should probably point them at the bladder that got us into this situation. Joey: He's leaving. Pacey: I can see that, thanks. Joey: Look. He's getting in his car, and he's leaving us here trapped. [The guard pulls away from the store] Joey: [Sighs] Ok. Let's not panic. Pacey: Who's panicking? Joey: I'm panicking, Pacey. This isn't exactly where I want to be right now. I have an en Pacey: "I've got a book to read." I know. When don't you have an entire book to read? And just so you know, this is not exactly my ideal situation, either. Joey: Well, look, let's not snipe at each other anymore. [Pacey tries to bash the door open, without success.] Joey: Ok. You know what? We need to think logically. Pacey: Right. Joey: Well... this one's locked. [They go back into the store.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The registers. Joey is at one of the registers, and hangs up the phone that is there. Pacey comes walking up to join her from the back of the store.] Pacey: Hey. Hey, any luck? Joey: They're not real phones. Pacey: What do you mean, they're not real phones? Joey: [Echoing over P.A.] Clean up on aisle 4. Clean up on aisle 4. [Sighs] They're just intercoms. We can call house wares, but we can't communicate with the outside world. Please tell me you found some kind of a back door or something. Pacey: No. Not one that we can open, but I was thinkin', there's always your ever-present cell phone. Joey: In my purse. Pacey: Great. Joey: In the car. Pacey: Hmm. Both: Pay phones! Joey: I think they're Pacey: Yeah. [Scene: The Employee break room. Joey is on the pay phone trying to talk to the police station. Pacey is sitting on a table near to the phone waiting.] Joey: No, officer. Not...stuck, like, in the snow, stuck, as in locked in. [Sighs] No. Nobody's life is in danger. But please don't put me back on hold-- Pacey: [Sighs] Ok, fine. That's it. Just hang up. We'll call 911. Joey: We can't call 911. Pacey: Why not? We're stuck, aren't we? Joey: Pacey, we're stuck in a giant barn like structure with massive quantities of food, clothing, and all the latest in home video equipment. How does that qualify as an emergency? I mean, are we in some sort of a danger I'm unaware of? Pacey: Yes. We're in danger of getting you home late, and we can't have that, now, can we? Joey: Since when do you care? Pacey: About what? Joey: Getting me home on time? Pacey: Since...forever. I don't want you to be lax in your studies. There's important homework to be done, books to be read. What book is it you're reading? Joey: Fear and loathing in Las Vegas. Pacey: Fear and loathing? You're paying $35,000 a year to be told to read fear and loathing in Las Vegas? You could do that on your own time. I could do that on my own time. Joey: Shut up. Something's happening. It's ringing. Pacey: Ok. Good. I'll have you home in no time. Joey: Well, we'll rot here. It transferred me to some sort of automated response system. "Press one to file a complain about noise. Press 2 for traffic violations." Here. You listen. [She hands Pacey the phone and begins to realize she is cold] Joey: Can I have your coat? I'm freezing. It's freezing in here. Pacey: My coat? What's wrong with your coat? Joey: Mine just looks nice. It wasn't intended to keep anyone warm, especially not someone wearing only a thin layer of silk. Pacey: Ok, fine. Hold this for a second. [He puts his coat onto her while she continues listening to the phone and then takes the phone back] Pacey: Better? Joey: Thank you. I think you should press zero, see if we can get a real person back on the line. You don't have any gloves, do you? Pacey: No, I didn't br--hello! Yes. Look, we're stuck in a gigantic Kmart. Yes, as a matter of fact, you did talk to us earlier. Uh, hello? No, please don't put me back on...hold. God! [She reaches into his pocket looking for gloves and finds the condoms. She taps him on the shoulder while he is waiting on hold again.] Pacey: What? Joey: Are these yours? Pacey: Those? Joey: Yeah. These...prophylactics I found in your pocket. Pacey: [Coughs] Oh. Those. Uh, yeah. Actually, they are. But, look, we should probably concentrate on the matter at hand here. Joey: This is why we stopped? Pacey, we're stuck in here because you had some pressing need for birth control? Pacey: Yes. Ok? Because that's the kind of responsible guy I am. But seeing as it doesn't look like we're gonna get outta here anytime too soon, it's kind of a moot point, so if [He hears something on the phone] Uh, hello? Hello. Hello. Yes. Hello. Ok. No. No, that's fine. If you could just please make sure that they do actually call us back. The number is 617-555-0189. Thanks for [He hangs up the phone when he realizes the other person hung up] Pacey: Ok. Well, at least now we're makin' progress. [Joey is just staring at him] Pacey: What? What's the look for? Joey: It's that girl from the party, right? You were on a date with me, and you picked up some other girl with questionable fashion sense, and then you were gonna go back to her place Pacey: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. You and I were not on a date. Which is only the first of many things wrong with that sentence. Joey: Pacey, my entire night is ruined. Pacey: Well, my night's not exactly going to plan, either. Joey: Ruined! For the sake of some booty call? Pacey: Ok, let's...just... take a little time out, because you and I... we're not actually having this conversation. Joey: Oh, why? 'Cause you don't want to talk about s*x with me? Pacey: Ha! Do you want to talk about s*x with me? Joey: Well, no, but... I usually don't want to talk about s*x with anybody. Pacey: Thank you for proving my point. Now, if we could move on, I think our night will be much, much more pleasant. Joey: After you tell me why you don't want to talk about s*x with me. Pacey: All right, one would think this would be obvious, but fine. Perhaps it has something to do with how calm and cool and non-judgmental you are about the whole thing. Joey: Oh, you know what? I don't approve. Ok? There. I said it. And I refuse to sit here and pretend like this is all just fine, 'cause it's ridiculous. Pacey: Do you hear yourself? You can't help it! This is why we don't talk about s*x. It's actually the secret to our entire friendship. Joey: You've lost me in your sea of pronouns. Pacey: Well, ok. We are friends. Right? Joey: Yes. Pacey: So what is the secret to our long-lasting and angst-free friendship? What is the one thing that keeps it going year after year after year after year? Joey: We suck at meeting new people. Pacey: Wrong. We do not, under any circumstance, talk about s*x. I may be having it, you may be thinking about having it, but we don't discuss it. That way we avoid the awkwardness, and in avoiding the awkwardness, we are able to maintain our friendship. You see, it's a preventative measure. I solved the problem before it even starts. Joey: But, Pacey...if we're such good friends, why is there any awkwardness in the first place? Pacey: Because not too long ago, we were more than just good friends, now, weren't we? Joey: Yeah, but we're not anymore. Pacey: But that doesn't matter. The damage is already done. Joey: What, so as far as you're concerned, I slept with you, and then I took myself in and got revirginized? Pacey: In my mind? Yes. Joey: Oh, so I never slept with Eddie or Dawson Pacey: Oh, I told you, I don't want to hear about this. Joey: Ok, so basically what you're saying is that the only way you and I can continue being friends is if we lie to each other about our s*x lives... if we take that whole giant aspect of our lives and just... pretend like it doesn't exist? Pacey: Worked for you and Dawson. Joey: What?! What did you say? Pacey: I said it Joey: I heard what you said. I just can't quite believe my ears. Pacey: Well, is there anything essentially untrue about that statement? Joey: N-- [Chuckles] No. Pacey: No. Then what's the problem? Joey: Pacey, did it ever occur to you that maybe I don't want to live my life this way... that maybe I have grown up? Pacey: Have you. Joey: What is that supposed to mean? Pacey: It means, simply put, that you don't care who I sleep with. I could've had s*x with that woman on the table right next to you, and you wouldn't have even batted an eyelash. Joey: Pacey...you slept with my roommate for an entire year. I think it's a little late for me to start to get... skittish on the topic of you and other women. Pacey: Don't make me spell this out. Do you really not understand what I'm talking about? Joey: No. I don't. I really don't. I mean, do you? Because I'm a bit confused here. I mean... are you upset because...I'm upset? Are you upset that...I'm not upset? Are you upset that I'm not upset enough? I me Pacey, we broke up... moved on. Was I supposed to spend the rest of my life feeling miserable about the way things ended between us? Pacey: Ok. Well, you know what? Now that you brought it up, yes. A couple of months here, there, really wouldn't have hurt. I mean, I'm not asking for the lifetime you've devoted to feeling bad about Dawson, but just a couple of weeks. Joey: Unbelievable! Pacey! I can never win, can I? I guess I can't. It's kind of like taking my head and beating it up against a rock. I mean, who had more s*x? Who was with who longer? Isn't there some sort of boy calculus you can use to figure out who won and just leave me out of it? Pacey: Right, 'cause god forbid I might just be talking about you and me right now. Joey: There is no "you and me," Pacey. We've moved on, and I'm sorry I didn't dash myself into a thousand pieces when you broke up with me but you know what? Life goes on, no matter how ungratifying that may be for your male ego. Pacey: This is not about my ego. Joey: No? Really. Then what is it about? I mean, why would you want to go back there? Why would you want to go back down that long road that only ends with you and I arg Pacey: I know where this road ends. Joey: Then what good can come of it? Tell me. I mean, why do you, all of a sudden, want to revisit... something that is better left... [Ring] Joey: Well, are you gonna answer that, or are we gonna finish this? Pacey: We could live for a thousand years, and we would never finish this. [HE answers the phone] Pacey: Hello? Well, yes. Obviously, we're still here. No, no. We don't have anyplace to go, now, do we? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Break Room. Pacey is still on the phone with the Police] Pacey: Well, yes, officer, I realize that we're probably fairly low on your priority list, but-- well, no, I wasn't aware of the freezing rain. I'm sure that does cause quite a few accidents. Ok. Well, we'll continue to sit tight here. If you could just send someone out as soon as possible, that'd be great. Thank you. You, too. [HE hangs up the phone.] [Sighs] Pacey over [Scene: Pacey and Joey are walking through the empty store. Joey is off walking around and finds a bin full of books and begins rummaging through the books. Pacey is off walking and goes into the /electronics section of the store, and sees all of the TVs and then the video cameras and then gets a plan together. Joey has now completely emptied the bin on the floor and is looking through the books and sees Bridget Jones's Diary and realizes that there is a video of the book she is supposed to read. She goes over to a rack of DVDs and begins looking for and eventually finds Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas on DVD.] P.A.: Joey potter, you're needed in electronics. Joey potter to electronics, please. [She makes her way over to the Electronics department and sees all of the TV's on and then sees Pacey's face on all of them.] Pacey: Is this thing on? Ok, well...ahem. Hey...it's me... obviously. So if you could just step a little closer, and don't worry, I'm not gonna bite. I come in peace. Look...you and I... we're gonna be here for a while. For quite a while, it seems. So I think it would be best if we could come to some sort of truce. And to facilitate this truce, I'm willing to admit to you on camera that, yes, indeed, I am an ass, which you probably already know. Better than most people. And perhaps better than anyone on earth. But I digress. My proposal is this: That we leave the past in the past, which is where it belongs anyway, that we try and make the best out of this bad situation, and that we get comfortable. To wit--I bought you something. Well, I didn't really buy you something. Perhaps procured would be a better word, but...anyway, you get my point. It's down there on the counter. [She looks over and sees that he put a set of pajamas and slippers on the counter] I'm not so sure about the sizes anymore, 'cause it's been a while, but... we can always exchange it. And, if you accept my proposal, you will have at your disposal for a limited time only the ability to make me do one thing I really do not want to do. Which is not to say that you don't always have that ability, but I kinda figure that that's how this whole night from hell started. You were doing something for me that you really didn't want to do... which is what friends are for. Ok. Over and out. [Pacey comes walking around the corner to join her] Joey: I know what I want. [The begin walking down the aisles. Joey is looking for something and Pacey is trying to keep up with her] Pacey: Shouldn't I be getting you out of those clothes? Joey: Later. [She walks from aisle to aisle still looking] Pacey: Well, would you mind telling me where it is-- Joey: Later. Pacey: I thought you said those shoes were killin' you. [She finally finds the Razor aisle and stops] Pacey: You're kidding, right? Joey: You said "one thing," Pacey. Pacey: I said "one thing that would help you." How does changing my physical appearance help you? Joey: Believe me, if I don't have to look thing on your face anymore, I will consider myself helped. Here. [Hands him the razors] Pacey: You're really gonna make me do this. Joey: Yeah. Pacey: Hmm. After all we've been through together. So this is what it comes down to, does it? Ok. [Sighs] But I want you to know one thing. I'm not gonna go down without a fight. Joey: Please. [He begins running] Joey: Aah! Pacey! Pacey. Pacey! [She has lost sight of him and is looking around for him] Joey: Pacey? [Pacey sneaks past the aisle behind her] Joey: Pacey! You're only delaying the inevitable. [Pacey begins to cut through the lingerie section and runs into a rack] Pacey: Oh-- [Rattling] Joey: You know, you're only making it worse for yourself. Much worse. When I catch you, who knows what other body parts I'll require you to shave. Pacey. [Joey stops in the Auto department and gets and Idea. She knocks over a display, which catches Pacey's attention.] [Crash] Joey: Ow! I think I ran into an auto display case or something! Oh...h-help me. I think I'm bleeding. [Pacey stops and then slowly turns to makes sure she is alright.] Joey: Aisle 3-b! Bring band-aids! Pacey: [Sighs] [Scene: The Auto Section. Pacey comes looking around for Joey, and he is carrying band aids, but he doesn't see her. He turns to look down and aisle, when Joey comes up from behind him with a can of shaving ream in her hand pointed at him] Joey: I wouldn't make Pacey: Ohh! Joey: Any sudden movements if I were you. Pacey: You wouldn't dare. Joey: I would. I don't particularly like that suit you're wearing. How much did it cost, $5, $600? [She begins backing him up] Joey: Move it. Uh-huh... back it up. [Scene: The Men's Bathroom. Pacey is by the sink getting ready to shave when Joey comes out of one of the stalls changes into the pajamas.] [Hinges squeak loudly] Joey: Hey. I told you to wait for me. Pacey: I am. Joey: Ok. Go. Pacey: All right, this is your last chance to change your mind about this. Joey: Pacey. It's a beard. It'll grow back. Not that it should. What's the big deal, anyway? Pacey: Well, you know how ballplayers don't change their socks during a winning streak? Joey: No. Pacey: Ok, well, they don't because they respect the streak. Joey: And you perceive yourself as being on some sort of winning streak. Pacey: Yes. Joey: Caused by that thing on your face. Pacey: Yes. Joey: Fine. I give up. Pacey: You give up? You're giving up that easily. Joey: Yeah. If it means that much to you, Pacey. I mean, I have no desire to monkey with some centuries-old sports tradition. I wouldn't want you to lose the... triple crown or whatever. I just wanted to see your face again. Is that a crime? Pacey: No. So that's it... end of story. It's just that easy. Joey: Yeah. But you are gonna have to change your socks. [Scene: Later in the store. Joey and Pacey are sitting on small chairs in the middle of one of the main Aisles playing a game of battleship.] Pacey: I said b-3. Joey: Ok, fine. You sunk my battleship. I officially suck at this game. Pacey: Well, we can't all be master strategists, now, can we? So, what's next? Operation? Risk? What do you want? [She is just looking at him] Pacey: What? Joey: Can I ask you a question? Pacey: Yeah. Fire away. Joey: Are you happy? Pacey: Me? Joey: Yeah. I mean really happy, not superficially, we-all-have- our-health happy. Pacey: Why? Are you? Joey: Mmm... yeah. I think I am. Which is weird, because it's not like there's anything all that spectacular going on in my life right now. It's just that... [Sighs] I don't know. I guess I feel different. Like...I've always had this tendency to assume that change, when it happens, can only be for the worse. You know? And lately, I kinda feel like that's not true... like whatever's waiting for me out there... may not be that bad. And even if it is... then not knowing about it... might actually be the good part. Mmm...I don't know. [Chuckles] I don't know that I'm making any sense. Pacey: It sounds like what you're tryin' to say... is that you really like that guy. Joey: "That guy"? Pacey: Yeah. That Eddie guy. Joey: Yeah. I did. But...the past... as they say, is the past. And that still doesn't change the fact that you never answered my question. Pacey: I don't really have to. I mean, how could I not be happy? You've seen my car, right? Joey: Pacey! Pacey: [Chuckles] Joey: Real answer, please. Pacey: Real answer? Ok, fine. The real answer is this. I currently have in my life everything that I could possibly want. Except one thing. Joey: And what's that? [Scene: The restaurant section of the store. Pacey is behind the counters filling a large tray of Nachos with Cheese, and Joey just looks at him shaking her head and drinking a soda.] Joey: Nachos? Please tell me you're really not gonna eat that. Pacey: Well, you nixed my whole build- your-own-sundae idea. Joey: Well, yeah, it's a little too cold for ice cream. Pacey: It is never too cold for ice cream. Joey: Pacey, why do you always seem to be eating during key moments of our relationship? Pacey: I don't know. Is this a key moment in our relationship? Joey: Well, it would've been if you would've let me get rid of that thing off your face. Pacey: Is this what you consider letting it die? Joey: What? We've already established that the theme for the evening is picking at old scabs. [She hands him her glass] Joey: Can I have more, please? Less ice this time. Pacey: Less ice. You know... I think I actually missed my true calling in life. Joey: Jerk? Pacey: Mm-hmm. Joey: I meant soda. Pacey: I know what you meant. It just really wasn't all that funny. So...can I get you anything else? A little cotton candy? Joey: Uhh! Gross. Pacey: You want a pretzel? Joey: No. I think those were probably made when I was a virgin. Pacey: Oh, yeah. The good old days. But you're right. We should stop. We don't want to fill up on starches before we go raid the candy aisle. Joey: Pacey, we can't eat candy this late at night. We'll rot our teeth. Pacey: So then we'll brush them. And if we're feelin' crazy, we can floss. 'Cause you see, that's the great thing about bein' locked in a Kmart. You can do anything in a Kmart. You can fill up on sugary snacks. You can catch up on your dental hygiene. In fact, I'm startin' to like this idea so much, I may never leave. Joey: Oh, my god. Homework. Come on. Wait. Bring popcorn. [Scene: The Electronics Department. Joey and Pacey are sitting in front of one of the projection screen TVs watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas which happens to be playing on all of the TVs in the department. They are drinking soda and eating popcorn, as the movie finishes.] [Both chuckle] Joey: I thought this was supposed to be about the American dream. Pacey: What could be more American than bitter invective, rampant paranoia, and gas-guzzling caddies? Joey: So, what am I supposed to say tomorrow when Hetson puts me on the spot? Pacey: Throw the words "post modernist" and "subjectivity" into the same sentence. You'll be fine. Joey: I'm beginning to see why you're so good at your job. Pacey: Oh, yeah? Why is that? Joey: 'Cause you're so full of Pacey: Uh! Now, that's not called for. We don't make fun of my source of income. Come on. Let's go. Joey: Why? Pacey: 'Cause I'm gettin' bored with all this sittin' around. Let's do somethin' active. Joey: No. Pacey: No? It's my turn to choose, isn't it? Joey: We've discussed this already. There will be no bikes, no roller blading, and no you shooting hockey pucks at my head. Pacey: Oh, now, come on. Those weren't real hockey pucks. Those were little plastic indoor ones. Joey: Pacey, I think the goal of the evening should be to avoid head injuries. Pacey: [Sighs] Ok, fine. I still got somethin' for us to do. [Scene: Elsewhere in the store. Joey is pushing Pacey down an aisle as he is sitting in a desk chair on wheels.] Joey: I promise you this is not going to hurt. Pacey: Now, how could you possibly make a promise like that about what it is we're about to do, seeing as you've never done it before? [They pull up to a table with Shaving cream, razors and a bowl of water on it. ] Joey: Just because I've never done it before doesn't mean I'm not gonna be good at it. I was good at s*x, wasn't I? Sorry. Forget that. Sore subject. Anyway...you know, if you're so worried about potential blood loss, you could always do it yourself, you know. Pacey: Well, I think I've already displayed the fact that I just-- I lack the iron will necessary to do this. Joey: Good. Ok. Now... the important thing to remember is not to move. And no talking. [She takes a towel and puts it around his neck. Leans his head back and grabs a pair of scissors.] Pacey: Whooh. Joey: Last chance to bail. Pacey: Well, it's kinda hard to tell you I want to bail if I'm not allowed to talk, isn't it? Joey: Oh. Well, blink twice or something. Pacey: That's no kind of solution. That presupposes that I'm gonna stop blinking. Who stops blinking? Really, that's Joey: Ok. Shut up. [She begins to cut his goatee with the scissors] [Later she turns him around and grabs two cans of shaving cream from the table. Joey: Regular... or menthol? Pacey: Are we smoking, or are we shaving? Joey: Pacey Witter-- friend to women. I think it's better to go with sensitive skin. [She begins to daintily put some on him] Joey: Ok... Pacey: Mmm... it's ok. Don't be shy. [She begins putting it all over his face Pacey: Mmm. [Chuckles] Joey: Ok... Pacey: [Chuckles] [She grabs the razor and heads towards his face.] Pacey: Ahem. Joey: Ok. This is harder than legs. Although not dissimilar [She slides down his chin and accidentally nicks him] Pacey: Mhhh! Joey: To knees. Sorry. [She kisses her finger and the taps the cut] Pacey: [Chuckles] Joey: There. Hello, chin. You're back. Pacey: [Chuckles] Well...I was never really gone. Joey: You weren't? Pacey: Mm-mmm. Joey: It kinda seemed like it. [They look deeply into one another's eyes, and then Pacey leans over and kisses Joey] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The same location as before the break. Pacey and Joey are still kissing, and Pacey pulls slowly back, and Joey is just looking at him a little shocked, but was definitely enjoying it.] Joey: [Sighs] What was that? Pacey: I don't know. But...you remember how you said you were willing to be surprised by the future? Joey: Yeah. Pacey: Surprise. Joey: How come you don't seemed surprised? Pacey: Well...maybe because I've... wanted to kiss you ever since I saw you in that outfit. [She looks down at the pajamas she is wearing] Pacey: No. Um... not that outfit. The one... uh...the prev-- well, I mean, not Joey: Wait, wait, wait. Pacey: [Clears throat] Joey: You were wanting to kiss me all night? Pacey: Yes. Joey: Even when you were yelling at me. Pacey: [Chuckles] Especially when I was yelling at you. Joey: Even when you were flirting with that other girl? Pacey: Yeah. Then, too. Joey: So... is this... some sort of... recent new development in your life? Pacey: Wanting to kiss you? No. It's sort of always there... like...white noise, or... the secret service or the threat of nuclear war, for that matter. Just somethin' you get used to. Joey: And that... doesn't at all freak you out. Pacey: Well, yes and no. Joey: Which one, Pace? Pacey: Hmm. Yes. Joey: Explain. Pacey: I don't know that I can. Joey: Try. Pacey: Ok. Well... [Chuckles] It would be fair to say that I haven't been feeling all that friendly toward you lately. Joey: You've been feeling more than friendly. Pacey: Yes. Joey: And the only way you could express that was to pick a fight with me. Pacey: I suppose the answer to that would...also be yes. Joey: Why is that, exactly? Pacey: I do not know. Joey: You must know something. Pacey: [Sighs] What I know is that... you and I were one of the few things, perhaps the only thing... that ever made total and complete sense in my life. That's what I know. Joey: You know we fought constantly. Pacey: Oh, don't I know it. Joey: And there are reasons why you and I didn't work. I mean, valid reasons. A-and...it... my life is finally Pacey: Right where you want it. I know. It's crazy, isn't it? Joey: Pacey, I don't know what to say. Um... I'm flattered. I'm... confused. I'm stunned. Pacey: Are you wishing I hadn't said anything? Joey: No. I just need to... can I just sleep on this? Pacey: Yeah. I think that can be arranged. [Scene: In the Outdoors department of the store. Pacey and Joey are lying down in one of he displays. Joey is lying in a Sleeping bag, and Pacey is lying on top of another one, just staring up at the ceiling] Joey: Hey, Pace, did you Pacey: Put all the stuff back? Yeah. Though some of it we're gonna have to pay for, like the clothes. Joey: [Sighs] Pacey, did you Pacey: If the next words out of your mouth are "take out the trash," I will officially have a preview of what it'd be like to be married to you. Joey: And? Pacey: It ain't pretty. [Chuckles] Joey: I was going to say... is... did you know? Pacey: Did I know what? Joey: This was a dream come true? Pacey: Which part? Joey: All of it. [They roll to look at one another] Joey: When you and I were on the boat... I used to dream that we'd be cast away somewhere. You know, your... standard tropical island with the white sand beaches and... giant stars overhead. We'd wear no clothes, and we'd...splash in the surf all day. And then at night... the moon would be this... well, this giant thing. And it was always full. Pacey: I like this fantasy. I'd catch fish with my bare hands... make fire without matches. Joey: I'd make the fires. [He looks over at her weirdly] Joey: Who paid attention in science class? Pacey: Ok. Good point. Joey: Besides... it's my fantasy. And I guess I... never told you about it before because it's... [Chuckling] Embarrassing. You know? I mean... not at all original. Pacey: Well, I guess you were right about one thing. Joey: What's that? Pacey: There are about a thousand reasons why you and I would never work. Joey: There's one thing in the pro column. Pacey: What's that? [She gets out of her sleeping bag and goes over to join Pacey.] Joey: Doesn't mean what you think it means. Pacey: Well, then what does it mean? Joey: Well... it means that... well, I'm cold. Pacey: Oh. [He pulls the covers over her] Joey: And... I'm still thinking about it... and I miss you, pace. Pacey: I miss you, too. [The kiss some more and then Joey curls up next to him to go to sleep, and Pacey pulls her close to him and tries to drift off himself] [Scene: The next morning. The lights are now on in the store, and Pacey wakes up and Joey is curled up in his arms.] Pacey: [Yawns] Employee: Dude... this is totally... uncool. [He looks up to see the employee from the night before standing over them] Pacey: Um... Joey? Ahem! Joey: 5 more minutes. Pacey: No, no. No. I think now would be a good time. Joey: Why? [She rolls over and sees the employee and quickly gets up] Employee: Like...I mean... you're allowed... to, like, test things... and stuff... but the manager is gonna be... like, his mind is gonna be blown. Pacey: This--no need to call the manager, 'cause, you know, we were just about to leave. [Pacey jumps up to stop him and gathers their things up] Employee: Hey. Joey: Hey. Employee: So, is this... like, your girlfriend? Joey: No. We just sleep together from time to time. Do you have a problem with that? [Joey walks past him, and the employee turns to Pacey with a big smile on his face.] Employee: Very nice. [Scene: The Cash Registers. A clerk is ringing up the items that Joey and Pacey have brought up, not realizing that they were in the store the entire night.] Pacey: So, this is it. Joey: Yes, it is. Clerk: There were no security tags on these? Joey: Oh. No. You should probably look into that. [She hands the DVD from last night to the clerk] Joey: And this. Clerk: A DVD that's... opened. [Pacey hands her the open pack of razors] Pacey: Oh. And, uh... this, too. Clerk: And a razor that's...opened. Pacey: Sighs] Clerk: Ok, and your total is 98.15. Joey: I can pay you back. My purse is Pacey: I got it. Seems a small price to pay for a dream come true. Clerk: I certainly hope you found everything you were looking for today. Pacey: Well...not everything, but we found what we needed, which, as I'm sure you know, is sometimes just as important. In a spiritual sense. 'Cause, you know, if you found everything that you needed today, what would be the point of waking up tomorrow and doing it all over again? It just wouldn't seem worth it. Joey: Don't worry. He's on a one-day pass from the asylum. But...in all fairness, I should let you know that I will be writing a letter to the home office about this. Clerk: You will? Joey: Yeah. Because this store... is perfect just the way it is. Don't change a thing. [The clerk hands her the bag, and she grabs the other one] Joey: Thank you. Clerk: You're welcome. [They turn to leave the store.] Pacey: Home? Joey: Home. You know, you could offer to carry one of these things. Pacey: Sure. Joey: And you are letting me drive. Right? Pacey: Drive? My car? Ha ha! Do I appear to have lost consciousness? Because that's the only circumstances under which you would be driving my car. Joey: You wouldn't have this problem if you hadn't taught me how to drive in the first place. Pacey: But you see, I don't have a problem, because Joey: We'll see, Pace. Pacey: You'll see your way into the backseat if you keep this up.

After agreeing to pose as Pacey's sister at a business party, Joey demands to be taken home. When Pacey makes a quick stop at a local K-Mart they are accidentally locked inside the store. They're forced to spend the night there and talk about their friendship and relationship, both past and future. After the night is over they are both left to ponder what the future has in store for them.

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MUSIC IN: INT. CAR TRUNK - DAY OPERATOR: (V.O./FILTERED) NCIS. WILKERSON: (INTO PHONE) I need help! OPERATOR: (V.O./FILTERED) You're going to have to speak up, Ma'am. WILKERSON: (INTO PHONE) I've been abducted. (SFX: CAR DRIVES OVER BUMPS) (SFX: WILKERSON SHOUTS) OPERATOR: (V.O./FILTERED) Are you there, Ma'am? (SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONE) WILKERSON: I seem to be.... no! (SFX: PHONE REDIALS) OPERATOR: (V.O./FILTERED) NCIS. WILKERSON: (INTO PHONE) My name is Wilkerson. (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) WILKERSON: (INTO PHONE) I've been abducted! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CAR - DAY WILKERSON: (V.O./FILTERED) Please! Please, help me! OPERATOR: (V.O./FILTERED) Ma'am! (SFX: TRUNK OPENS) WILKERSON: (SCREAMS INTO THE PHONE) No!! Help me please!! (FADE OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Hi. You know what I like about coming to work on a Sunday? ZIVA: The relaxed dress code? TONY: Actually, no. It offers us the unique chance to get a glimpse into the private lives of our coworkers. ZIVA: Except I have no interest in your life. TONY: Now me? I was playing football. It's American football. You? I'm guessing, yoga? ZIVA: Why do you insist on calling it football when you don't use your feet? TONY: Huh. I hadn't though of that. Well, we kick it sometimes. Listen to this. So anyway, right, it's first and goal. I'm about to snap the ball... and my butt starts to vibrate. ZIVA: Oh, I've seen this on TV. There was a guy behind you. TONY: No, it wasn't the quarterback. It was my phone. ZIVA: So you keep it in your pants at all times? TONY: Enough about me. Let me guess. Pilates? ZIVA: Very good, Tony. TONY: I am an investigator. It's kind of what I do. ZIVA: Mm-hmm. TONY: I thought you said you were doing pilates. ZIVA: Isn't pilates one of your martial arts? TONY: No, it's kind of like the expensive stretching. ZIVA: Mm. Well then, I guess I wasn't doing a pilate. Do you mind giving me a hand with this? TONY: Yes, I do. Whose blood is that? ZIVA: Not mine. Where's McGee? TONY: In trouble. I left messages on his home phone, cell and Blackberry. No answer. ZIVA: Rule number three. TONY: Never be unreachable. When Gibbs finds out about this... GIBBS: Find out what, DiNozzo? TONY: TONY: We've got a possible abduction, Boss. Call came in at zero nine zero three Fairfax area code. Caller said her name was Wilkerson, then the line went dead. Ran a reverse look-up on the number. It came back belonging to a Navy Lieutenant Commander, Amanda Wilkerson. Stationed at the Department of the Navy, Washington, D.C. No one answers from her home phone or cell. She's currently on liberty. Scheduled to be back at work tomorrow morning at zero seven. (CONT.) That's a nice suit. You didn't get married again, did you? GIBBS: If you have more, DiNozzo, now would be a good time. TONY: Yeah. Ah, her cell wasn't GPS-enabled, but the service provider narrowed the call location um... you know, to the... to the... GIBBS: Radius? TONY: Radius. The two and one half mile radius. Yeah. And they said they'd contact us. If it's used again, we might be able to triangulate and get a fix. GIBBS: Where's McGee? TONY: I don't know. ZIVA: Sundays are a spiritual day in your country, Gibbs. Perhaps... GIBBS: Did you get Lieutenant Commander Wilkerson's home address? TONY: I did. GIBBS: Then why are you still here? Are you waiting for an invitation, Officer David? ZIVA: Oh, so you really are getting married? TONY: He means you're with me. ZIVA: Oh. I knew that. TONY: Tick, tock, tick, tock...(ABBY WALKS INTO THE SQUAD ROOM) ABBY: Good morning, Men. TONY: Hi. ABBY: Reporting for duty as ordered, Sir! GIBBS: Wrong hand, Abs. ABBY: Sorry, Sir. GIBBS: The call came in from a woman claiming she was abducted. Abby, I need an acoustical analysis of a tape. ABBY: Permission to speak freely, Sir. GIBBS: You always speak freely, Abs. ABBY: I know. I just always wanted to say that. So where's my tape? GIBBS: On the way to your lab. ABBY: So am I. If I finish quickly, maybe I can get back to Habitat for Humanity. I'm doing a bunch of wiring for them this weekend. GIBBS: We'll see, Abby. ABBY: Thank you, Sir. GIBBS: Don't call me Sir. ABBY: Thank you, Ma'am. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. WILKERSON'S HOUSE - DAY (SFX: DOOR BELL RINGS) ZIVA: It's clear she isn't home. What's our plan? TONY: We use good old-fashioned American ingenuity. ZIVA: Good plan except I'm not American, Tony. TONY: Well, lucky for you, I am. We start looking for the key. ZIVA: Why would there be a key? TONY: Because they always hide one. It's stupid, I know, but it's what they do. ZIVA: And you're certain there's no alarm? TONY: Positive. No sign, no alarm. But there's always a key. You may want to write that down. (DOOR OPENS) ZIVA: After you. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY (DOOR CLOSES) (MUSIC OVER ACTION) ZIVA: Clear. TONY: Clear. Very O.C.D. ZIVA: O.C.D.? TONY: a**l retentive. ZIVA: Are you're saying she's a neat freak? TONY: Yeah. Nice job with the lock, by the way. ZIVA: Thank you. It was a very simple pin and tumbler design. TONY: So are handcuffs, but I'll bet you couldn't get out of a pair of those. ZIVA: Are you saying you'd like to handcuff me, Tony? TONY: That's not really my thing, Ziva. ZIVA: I see. You're the one who likes to be handcuffed, then, huh? TONY: Spread out. ZIVA: What are we looking for exactly? TONY: Anything that's out of place. ZIVA: You're going to have to be a little bit more specific. TONY: We're looking for a reason why someone would kidnap our Naval Officer. Preferably before Gibbs asks us for it. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - DAY MARTINO: (ON MONITOR) You're absolutely certain that the phone call was from Lieutenant Commander Wilkerson, Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: Not yet, Captain. I was hoping you could help me out with that. WILKERSON: (V.O./FILTERED) I need help! OPERATOR: (V.O./FILTERED) You're going to have to speak up, Ma'am. WILKERSON: (V.O./FILTERED) I've been abducted! Ah! MARTINO: (ON MONITOR) That's her. That's her voice. GIBBS: Now, why would someone abduct her? MARTINO: (ON MONITOR) She's a Force Protection Officer. GIBBS: Protecting what? MARTINO: (ON MONITOR) Right now my worst nightmare. We're now at force-protection condition Delta, gentlemen. Notify the Admiral. I'm heading your way, Agent Gibbs. I need to come in to brief you personally. GIBBS: Well, that's great, Captain. You mind telling me why? MARTINO: (ON MONITOR) Last night a shipment of nuclear fuel rods left a reactor plant in Ohio. GIBBS: Bound for? MARTINO: (ON MONITOR) That's classified. Only a handful of people know the exact route that train is taking, Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: And Lieutenant Commander Wilkerson was one of them. MARTINO: (ON MONITOR) Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WILKERSON'S HOUSE - DAY (SFX: KEYBOARDING) TONY: Houdini? ZIVA: Hmm? TONY: How are you at picking computer locks? ZIVA: Not very good. Why, did you find something interesting, Tony? (BEAT) Tony, did you find something interesting? Tony! PARNELL: Hands over your heads! Now! You too, lady! Make any sudden moves, I shoot. Do we understand each other? TONY: Okay, relax, Quickdraw. We're Feds. PARNELL: Yeah? What agency? TONY AND ZIVA: (IN UNISON) NCIS. PARNELL: Never heard of it. ZIVA: Naval Criminal Investigative Service. PARNELL: Never heard of it! TONY: You never actually get used to it. You think you will but you never do. Okay, I have a badge. PARNELL: Sit down! Cuff yourself to him. ZIVA: I'd rather you shoot me first. PARNELL: Cuff yourself, dirtbag! TONY: Ow! PARNELL: Now, you cuff yourself to the chair. TONY: You're making a big mistake. PARNELL: Yeah, like you did setting off the alarm? ZIVA: Ha! TONY: There's supposed to be a sign outside. There's supposed to be a sign outside! PARNELL: Kids probably stole it. Don't move! (INTO RADIO) Central, I've got two suspects claiming to be Feds. TONY: No little red light on the radio means the radio not working. (TO ZIVA) Hey, will you please calm down? This guy is a little jumpy and nervous, so just relax. No sudden moves, all right? ZIVA: Mm-hmm.(ZIVA JUMPS PARNELL) PARNELL: Oh, don't shoot! Don't shoot! TONY: Nobody's going to shoot anyone. Right, Officer David? ZIVA: He called me a dirtbag. PARNELL: I'm sorry, Ma'am. ZIVA: Ma'am! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY WILKERSON: (FILTERED ON TAPE) Wilkerson. My name is Wilkerson! ABBY: Did you hear that? GIBBS: Hear what? ABBY: Gibbs, I thought your hearing was better than your eyesight. How wrong was I? Okay, I'll just back up.... slow it down. Fiddle with the Hertz a bit and we will interpret this as we go. GIBBS: That would be a good idea. ABBY: Okay, so just after she says her name... WILKERSON: (FILTERED ON TAPE) Wilkerson... ABBY: Name that tune, Gibbs. GIBBS: That's a tire skid. ABBY: Yes! So the car braked. Next up is the thunk. WILKERSON: (FILTERED ON TAPE) ... Abducted! ABBY: Manual trunk release. Now the second that happens, the ambient noise changes. Mostly the engine sound. GIBBS: She's in a car trunk. ABBY: Yes, again. Now for the big finish. Exactly three point four seconds later... the trunk is slammed shut. But the engine sound stays the same until the phone shut off. GIBBS: They grabbed the cell phone, left her in the trunk. ABBY: I'm afraid so, Gibbs. GIBBS: If they left her there, Abs, how much time does she have? ABBY: Well, there's a lot of factors that play there. It depends on the age of the car, how airtight the trunk is, how much c-oh-two she releases in her panic... GIBBS: Abby! ABBY: Twelve hours she might be safe, then she'd slip into a coma. After seventeen, she'd definitely run out of oxygen. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY (SFX: WILKERSON BANGS ON THE TRUNK) (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - DAY MARTINO: MARTINO: We stopped the nuclear supply train in Pennsylvania, in a rural area. It's heavily armored and defended by a platoon of Fast Company Marines. The fuel rods themselves are in a containment capsule capable of withstanding small arms fire. (CONT.) However, if someone did manage to detonate those fuel rods, they would irradiate a ten mile radius. GIBBS: How many other people know about the train's route? MARTINO: The personnel onboard escorting, the two Cobras flying air escort, and my staff. GIBBS: And Lieutenant Commander Wilkerson's involvement? MARTINO: She helped plan both the primary and alternate routes. GIBBS: What the hell was she doing on liberty, Captain? MARTINO: She was never involved in the operational phase. And she specifically requested today off. GIBBS: Why? MARTINO: I didn't ask. Are you suggesting that she's somehow involved in this? She's one of my finest officers. GIBBS: What's next on your checklist, or do you want me to guess? MARTINO: We head back to the processing plant, and reschedule our delivery. You think they're going to try to hit us on the way back? GIBBS: I think we ought to find your missing officer before we move that train again. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: I thought you said she was organized! TONY: Her house looked like Martha Stewart's jail cell. Only neater. ABBY: Her hard drive is a mess. There's sub-folders with sub-folders, thousands of files, everything's password protected. She didn't know the concept of delete. MCGEE: Boss, I'm sorry I'm late. TONY: Look who's joined us. It's the ghost of David Niven. MCGEE: I couldn't hear my cell because of the commotion where I was. ABBY: Where was you? MCGEE: It won't happen again, Boss. GIBBS: You're right, McGee. It won't. Help Abby. MCGEE: Help Abby with what? (BEAT) Okay, I'll have Abby fill me in. What do we do? TONY: (LAUGHS) Don't even try to act all normal dressed like this. Come on. MCGEE: What is wrong with what I'm wearing? TONY: (LAUGHS) You've got elbow pads. Look at this. You're like "Mister Peabody, where's the wayback machine?" Is there a costume party? It's like... you're all dressed like an English professor. What are you doing? MCGEE: Are you finished? TONY: No, I haven't even started yet, Banacek. What do you got here? ZIVA: Oh, you smoke a pipe, McGee? MCGEE: I do not. TONY: This is his writing pipe. Our McGee fancies himself a novelist. MCGEE: I am a novelist. ZIVA: Don't listen to him, McGee. I think your attire is quite sexy. MCGEE: Thank you, Ziva. ABBY: Can we continue with this or are you guys going to make out for a while? MCGEE: Can I? ABBY: By all means. The computer belongs to an abducted Navy officer. All her files are encrypted. She hasn't defragged her hard drive since she got it so it's going to take time. MCGEE: I found something. ABBY: What? MCGEE: Electronic date book. ABBY: Where? MCGEE: It's an icon in the center of the desktop. I use the same program. ZIVA: Don't worry, Abby. Some times it's hard to see the jungle through the ferns. ABBY: Right. TONY: What do we have? MCGEE: Looks like her last appointment was today at eight thirty a.m. ZIVA: A half an hour before she called us. TONY: It say where? MCGEE: Braddock Mall. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - MOVING TONY: Just out of curiosity....who taught you to drive? ZIVA: I did. (SFX: TIRES SCREECH) TONY: On the odd chance that I can actually see something traveling at warp speed, what kind of car are we looking for? ZIVA: Lieutenant Commander Wilkerson drives a two thousand two silver Jetta. TONY: Figures. ZIVA: What figures? TONY: Chick car. ZIVA: Meaning? TONY: There are guy cars and there are chick cars. It's a known and irrefutable fact. ZIVA: Was it a Government study? TONY: It's just a thing you know. You don't know how you know it, you just do. (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH) (SFX: CAR HORN HONKS) TONY: Sebring, Liberty, Jetta, Bug, the whole VW line, all chick. Mustang, Camaro, Escalade, PT Cruiser, all guy. Hummer, it's very guy but with adequacy issues. And then there's some that go both ways. (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH) TONY: It's an Accord, not a Jetta. But case in point. Mini Cooper and Acura fall in the same category. ZIVA: You've given this a lot of thought. It's very sad. TONY: Well then there's the Miata. It's a special case. Leans to chick. It can go guy. Usually means he's in denial, though. Stop! (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH) ZIVA: Gladly if it means I don't have to listen to your automobile gender issues. TONY: The plate matches. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY WILKERSON: (FILTERED ON TAPE) ...Abducted! ABBY: The car definitely hit something in the road. MCGEE: Play it back again. I mean, can you please play it back again? ABBY: Better, Timmy. MCGEE: You're mad at me. ABBY: I have better things to do than deal with your pipe-smoking fetish, McGee. MCGEE: I told you that I don't smoke it. It is purely an inspirational thing. ABBY: Whatever. If you want to get cancer, it's not my concern. MCGEE: Abby, I don't smoke. ABBY: The important thing here is to dissect this tape and try to get something that will help find Lieutenant Commander Wilkerson. MCGEE: Of course. ABBY: You're not the only one who came to work dressed differently today. MCGEE: I saw Tony and Ziva. ABBY: I was talking about me. Here's a hint. I'm not one of the Village People. MCGEE: Oh, no. The Habitat for Humanity was this weekend! Abby. Abby, I'm so sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I completely forgot. You must hate me. ABBY: I could never hate you, McGee. Don't let it happen again. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PARKING GARAGE - DAY ZIVA: There's no Commander in here. Need any help with that, Tony? TONY: No, I've got it. It's just been a while since I broke into cars on a regular basis. ZIVA: You broke into cars? TONY: I was a cop in Baltimore. ZIVA: You stole cars for the police? TONY: No. You wouldn't believe how many kids lock themselves in by accident. Or suicides that lock themselves in on purpose. Drug addicts who think they're on a trip....only the car's not moving. Old people. I love... ZIVA: Fond memories. Can I try that now? TONY: No. I almost got it. I've just got to stick it in and twist it around a little bit. There it is. Now I give it a nice firm yank... (SFX: METAL CLANGS TO THE GROUND) TONY: It happens with the German cars sometimes. Be right back. (LOUDLY) No one likes a showoff! ZIVA: Got something. (SFX: TAP ON GLASS) TONY: Ooh. Open up. Roll the tape. Did I ever tell you how much I like movies? ZIVA: Only several times a day. WILKERSON: (ON VIDEO) It's Sunday the fourteenth. Zero eight thirty three. Location, the parking garage at Braddock Mall. The agreed-upon meeting place with my target. He's promised money and a place to stay in exchange for my willing cooperation. WILKERSON: Why don't I think what she says is a good thing? TONY: Because you're a better agent than you are a driver? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY MCGEE: Boss, it looks like she used an I.D.E.A algorithm to generate a short key for some of the files. (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) I've got the software working now. As for the rest, I am... (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) ....Condensing like extensions into their root subsets. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) In English, McGee. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) I am working on... (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) ...Opening the locked files and establishing protocol. ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs, what he's trying to say is that there's a crap load of stuff... (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) ... The sheer volume of material is daunting. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Even for a guy in a turtleneck. MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) But I'm working it as fast as I can. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Work faster, McGee. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) If she's still in the car trunk, we have about eight hours to find her until she runs out of air. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) DUCKY: That's not strictly accurate, Jethro. I was on the ninth with a shot at a ten dollar Nassau when Abby called. She wanted to make certain her survival figures were accurate. GIBBS: How far off were they, Duck? DUCKY: Well, they were spot on, but something she said bothered me. She arrived at her figures based on a young woman in good health. Well, given the dire circumstances, I thought it best to verify that that was, in fact, the case. Lieutenant Commander Wilkerson was treated for acute bronchitis by an intern at the base two days ago. With her lungs in that condition, well, they would not be operating as efficiently as normal. GIBBS: How long? DUCKY: Well, her survival time would be shortened by several hours. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR TRUNK - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ WILKERSON BANGS ON THE TRUNK) (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: (INTO PHONE) Well, you've been so helpful. I don't even know... GIBBS: DiNozzo! I hope that was background on Lieutenant Commander Wilkerson. TONY: It was, Boss. I talked to everyone in her command. They think she's clean. Not much social life. Spends half her time at work, half her time at home on her computer. She's basically... a McGee. GIBBS: McGee is not responsible for movement of nuclear fuel rods across country. ZIVA: And McGee didn't make a personal video about money and transport to a safe house. TONY: What's with that video anyway? It doesn't make any more sense than that phone call for help. ZIVA: They both accomplished one thing. The train is no longer mobile. GIBBS: The Navy can't risk moving it until they find out what happened to her. Navy. TONY: Yeah. GIBBS: As in us! MCGEE: Boss, I think I have something here. GIBBS: Show me, McGee. MCGEE: I'm not a hundred percent sure if it's anything, but I did find something that could possibly help us. GIBBS: Show me! MCGEE: Wilkerson's email log shows that she sent fourteen messages from the same location last night. It wasn't her home ISP. GIBBS: I can't read that! MCGEE: It's encrypted. GIBBS: Then un-crypt it! MCGEE: Well Abby and I are working on it. GIBBS: Why am I sitting here looking at you? MCGEE: Why, I thought that it might be helpful to know that Lieutenant Commander Wilkerson sent all these emails from a store called P.B.J. at the Braddock Mall in Fairfax. GIBBS: Wilkerson could suffocate at any time, (SHOUTS) and you couldn't tell me this with a phone call, McGee?! MCGEE: Well, I could. I should have. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. MALL STORE - DAY TONY: Hi. WOMAN: (V.O.) Hi. ROSS LOGAN: Can I help you? TONY: NCIS. I'm Agent DiNozzo, this is Officer David. ZIVA: It stands for Naval Criminal... ROSS LOGAN: Investigative Service. We've worked with NCIS before. I'm Ross Logan. I run this chapter of P.B.J. ZIVA: Peanut butter and jelly, yes? ROSS LOGAN: Actually, no. It stands for Perverts Brought to Justice. We're a non-profit that helps law enforcement track down online pedophiles. TONY: That was my second guess. ROSS LOGAN: It's Amanda Wilkerson. Is she in trouble? ZIVA: She's been um... TONY: Why do you ask if she's in trouble? ROSS LOGAN: I guess, past experience. ZIVA: Meaning? ROSS LOGAN: Meaning we have a strict policy to only monitor suspected abusers. We never confront. That's obviously your job. TONY: I'm going to take a wild stab and say Lieutenant Commander Wilkerson didn't always follow policy. ROSS LOGAN: Initially, no. She had a few confrontations with some of our targets. One ended up suing us for harassment. ZIVA: How long did she volunteer here? ROSS LOGAN: She started about two years ago. Ever since her fourteen year old niece was raped by an online predator. What's she done now? TONY: Gone missing. ZIVA: Her email records say she was here last night. ROSS LOGAN: She was. The eight to midnight shift. The last couple weeks, she's been working a pervert with the screen name "Fleet Captain." He thinks Amanda's fourteen. There's a transcript of last night's conversation. It's very... explicit. ZIVA: More like sickening. ROSS LOGAN: They're called perverts for a reason. TONY: You got an address for this freak? ROSS LOGAN: Unfortunately, no. His internet connections were routed through a dozen different ISPs and they change nightly. TONY: We're going to need your server and files, then. ROSS LOGAN: Look, our best hackers haven't been able to track him. TONY: You haven't met our hacker. ROSS LOGAN: He's good? ZIVA: Does a bear sit in the woods? ROSS LOGAN: Are you the crackerjack team on this job? TONY: She's Israeli. ZIVA: Look, I know I got the bear thing right. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY ZIVA: What can I do to help, McGee? MCGEE: Ah, you can stop touching things when you're not grounded. ZIVA: Right, sorry. Hack away. You won't even notice me here. MCGEE: Okay, but you're standing on my foot. ZIVA: Ooh! I thought that was a cable. My apologies once again. MCGEE: Are you sure there isn't something you want to help Abby with? ZIVA: Uh, no. I wish to improve my computer skills. So come on, hacky-sacky. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OUTER LAB - DAY ABBY: I've isolated the sound of the Commander's phone call. What do you think? (SFX: TAPE RECORDING) TONY: The thunk sort of sounds like metal. ABBY: You don't think I've already thunk that, Tony? TONY: Why'd you ask me to listen? ABBY: Because I went to a Plastic Death concert last night, and I couldn't even hear my alarm clock this morning and I want to be sure. TONY: Oh. Play it again. (SFX: TAPE PLAYS) TONY: A train track? ABBY: Yes, railroad tracks would be the obvious choice, but there isn't a second thunk or a thack. Not even a thock on that track. TONY: Have you been reading a lot of Doctor Seuss books? ABBY: You know I love listening to Theodore Geisel. OPERATOR: (FILTERED ON TAPE) You're going to have to speak up, Ma'am. WILKERSON: (FILTERED ON TAPE) I've been abducted! Ow! Ow! TONY: I think I heard something after the thunk, but the scream kind of covers it. Can you erase that part or something? ABBY: No, but I can mess with the frequencies. The sound you heard, was it higher or lower than her scream? TONY: Lower. WILKERSON: (FILTERED ON TAPE) I've been abducted! Ow! ABBY: It was a railroad track! Her screaming was covering up the second thunk. And I need to wear earplugs at concerts. Okay. Uh... the Commander was at the Braddock Mall at eight thirty a.m. TONY: Crossed railroad tracks twenty minutes later. ABBY: There. Those are the only railroad tracks within fifteen miles of the mall. TONY: Ox Road. That's good work, Abby. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ZIVA: Assuming Abby is correct, the vehicle harboring Lieutenant Commander Wilkerson left the mall via Ox Road. The car traveled southbound passing three gas stations, a Wall-Mart, and this Lexus dealership. Two point six miles later they passed by this bank just before crossing the Dungy Street railroad tracks. TONY: How many times you pass go? Collect your two hundred dollars? You know, Monopoly, the board game? It's American. ZIVA: Ox Road eventually comes to an end at the luxury living community of Terra Trace Estates. The Fairfax police are now focusing their search on this central area. They estimate between eight to nine hours for a thorough search. GIBBS: Lieutenant Commander Wilkerson doesn't have that long. TONY: Which is why I tracked down the only available surveillance video on or near Ox Road. Hit the little right button. This is the internal security camera at the Northern Virginia Savings and Trust ATM. It sits about three hundred yards north of the train tracks at Ox Road. Now we know the car passed over the tracks at zero nine zero four. The speed limit is thirty five miles per hour. So we've got to assume our abductor didn't want to attract attention by speeding, right? Our car should be passing this camera around.... hold on a second. Carry the seven. Divide by six... ZIVA: Right... here. TONY: I'm switching banks. ZIVA: You really think she's hot? TONY: She's a perfect ten with a great.... (GIBBS HITS ZIVA AND TONY) TONY: I saw that. Why did you give her the soft touch? Thank you, Boss. GIBBS: Is that the best shot you can get, Ziva? ZIVA: There's a few frames just after she blocks our view with her incredible... figure. TONY: That's a nineteen eighty nine Mercedes Five Sixty S-E-L, Boss. ZIVA: I can't see the plate. TONY: Well, use your little clicker and zoom in. That first number is either an eight or a six. GIBBS: It's an eight. TONY: With all due respect, Sir, your eye sight isn't exactly your strong suit. GIBBS: Eight six three Romeo Charlie Tango. Nine cars reported stolen from Northern Virginia this morning. TONY: One is a Benz five sixty S-E-L. ZIVA: William Lafferty, Fairfax, Virginia. GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Move it! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR TRUNK - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ WILKERSON BANGS ON THE TRUNK LID) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY GIBBS: How long has your car been missing? LAFFERTY: Whoa. I just reported it missing this morning. I went out to get the paper and it was gone. GIBBS: When did you last see it? LAFFERTY: Uh... last night around nine. I came back from renting a movie. TONY: What movie? LAFFERTY: Does it matter? GIBBS: Oh, yeah. LAFFERTY: The title's kind of embarrassing. TONY: Back of the store? Triple X? LAFFERTY: No. ZIVA: "Weekend at Bernie's. Part Two." TONY: That's even worse. GIBBS: Anyone else have keys to your car? LAFFERTY: No. I live alone. Someone stole my car and used it in a crime, right? TONY: What makes you think that? LAFFERTY: Well, three Feds looking for a stolen eighty nine Mercedes. I'm not an idiot. GIBBS: You've been home all morning? LAFFERTY: Yeah. What happened? TONY: Can anyone verify that? LAFFERTY: Whoa. I didn't have anything to do with whatever shooting or robbery my car was in.(PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Boss, hey, I picked up a trace on.... LAFFERTY: Line fish, Trigger and Clown. I breed them. ZIVA: I hate clowns. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Good work, McGee. We're on our way. (TO TONY) Someone's using Wilkerson's cell phone. McGee's getting a fix. LAFFERTY: What about my car? TONY: We'll call you. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. ROAD - DAY MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Keep going. Keep going. Okay, it's directly north of you right now. You should be right by it, Boss. The phone's still in use. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, I got it, McGee. (TO TONY) The signal's coming from a hundred yards of here. It's still active. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ALL MOVE THROUGH THE TREES) (SFX: VOICES B.G.) GIBBS: Freeze! NCIS! TIM: Don't shoot! DANNY: It's not our beer? GIRLFRIEND: (V.O./FILTERED) Hello? Danny? TIM: Yeah, we found it. GIRLFRIEND: (V.O./FILTERED) Danny? ZIVA: Who's on the phone? DANNY: My girlfriend? ZIVA: (INTO PHONE) Hi. Oh my god, don't touch me there! He's going to have to call you back. Bye! (TO DANNY) You're busted. (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. WOODED PARK - DAY TONY: Definitely Lieutenant Commander Wilkerson's cell phone, Boss. Five calls made in the last hour. Two to an adult chat line and three to a teenage girl in Manassas. GIBBS: Coordinate with the locals. I want the park searched. TONY: Sheriff's department is enroute. ZIVA: They say they bought their phones from another boy. GIBBS: This boy have a name? ZIVA: I'm sure he does. They, however, claim not to know it. TONY: They also claim this isn't their beer. ZIVA: They don't think I know they're lying? Thank you, because I do! They're only children. TONY: Actually, they're teenagers. ZIVA: Whatever. The little one is about to cry. You have to draw the line somewhere, Gibbs. I mean, these boys are not potential suicide bombers. And I don't interrogate children. GIBBS: No, you don't, Ziva. You talk to them. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY MARTINO: Why would Commander Wilkerson pretend to be a fourteen year old girl? MCGEE: Well, she was luring an online predator into a meet at Braddock Mall this morning. MARTINO: Her disappearance has nothing to do with the fuel-rod shipment? GIBBS: Maybe. ZIVA: The emails could be the way she communicates with her cell. MARTINO: In a pedophilia chat room on the Internet? Give me a break. ZIVA: Your response, Captain, is the exact reason why intelligence operatives use such methods. MARTINO: You still think there's a threat? GIBBS: That train doesn't move until we find the Commander. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY DANNY: We didn't know the phone was stolen. TIM: We bought it from a guy we know at school. TONY: I want the name, Beavis. DANNY: Well, we don't like... know know him. TIM: Yeah, meaning we don't exactly know his name. TONY: Well, I... like think you're like totally like lying like. You want to know why? DANNY: Because you're old? (PHONE RINGS) TONY: Funny guy. You're playing a dangerous game, small fry. (INTO PHONE) Ops? Yeah, it's DiNozzo. Hey, Mattie. I need to requisition two sets of genital cuffs and I've got to requisition the Mark Five tazer again. No, you don't have to clean them. I'll wear rubber gloves. Thanks. (HANGS UP PHONE) TONY: I'm thirsty. Can I get you boys something to drink? You really should because interrogation makes you a little dehydrated. Okay. Oh, before I forget. Any history of testicular cancer or high blood pressure in the family? Okay, you know what? You guys think about that for a second. I'm going to do a little refill and we'll talk about the boring stuff later, funny guys! (TONY WALKS TO THE STAIRS) ZIVA: Genital cuffs? TONY: Steve Martin, Michael Caine, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Great. ZIVA: Whatever. It's working. TIM: (V.O./FILTERED) We have to tell them. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY DANNY: There's no such thing as genital cuffs. TIM: What if there is? DANNY: (V.O./FILTERED) What if Geck finds out we ratted on him? TIM: (V.O./FILTERED) The guys aren't even cops. (ON CAMERA) They're some secret government agency. You see the way that chick was playing with her knife? DANNY: Yeah, I know. It was kind of hot. Like Salma Hayek in Desperado. ZIVA: I've never seen that. TONY: All right. That's for the number. TIM: What number? TONY: Geck's, Beavis. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. (WHISPERS TO ZIVA) And that is how you interrogate kids. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY MCGEE: This guy is not your average pervert, Abs. He's got some serious programming skills. ABBY: Yeah? Well so do we. MCGEE: Well, that might now be enough this time. ABBY: Don't say that, McGee. Commander Wilkerson's almost out of time. MCGEE: Damn it! I keep losing his connection in Madrid! ABBY: Okay, that's it. You need a break. MCGEE: We don't have time for breaks, Abby. ABBY: We don't, but you do. GIBBS: How many times have I told you he's not a toy? ABBY: Hi, Gibbs. He's getting a little stressed out. GIBBS: So am I. Tell me you two have found Captain Pervert. MCGEE: Fleet Captain Pervert. And we keep losing his computer's connection in Spain. GIBBS: Unlose it. MCGEE: It doesn't work that way. ABBY: It's true, Gibbs. The servers are down in Madrid and we can't pick up his trace without them. GIBBS: Pick it up somewhere else. Look, we already know this guy is somewhere in Virginia, otherwise he couldn't have shown up at Braddock Mall. We also know he stole a car this morning from a home in Fairfax County. ABBY: Why didn't you think of that? MCGEE: Me? What about you? GIBBS: Can you find him or not? ABBY: If we know he's in Fairfax... MCGEE: Then we can match his computer's profile against ISP node service in the area. ABBY: Maybe an hour, Gibbs. GIBBS: Good, you have-- ABBY: Twenty minutes. I know. MCGEE: We know. GIBBS: I was going to say ten.(SFX: GIBBS SPITS IN THE CUP) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: (INTO PHONE) Look, we need to know where your son is, Mister Geckler. Well, where does he usually hang out on Sundays? GECKLER: (V.O./FILTERED) Braddock Mall in an arcade.(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Okay. Well, if he gets home, tell him he can't leave and you call me. Thank you. (HANGS UP PHONE) ZIVA: He appears to be a busy young man. TONY: He's also our only link to the Commander. GIBBS: Not anymore. Give the kid's stuff to McGee. We found the pervert. TONY: Where? MCGEE: The computer he was using traces back to two three three four six Maple Street. ZIVA: Mister Clown Fish. TONY: William Lafferty? GIBBS: Come on, let's roll. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. HOUSE - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ALL RUN TOWARD THE HOUSE) (KNOCK ON DOOR) ZIVA: Just give me ten seconds and I'll - oh. GIBBS: (INTO RADIO) DiNozzo, we're in position. (DOOR OPENS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOUSE - DAY (SFX: TV B.G.) TONY: DiNozzo coming in. GIBBS: Clear. TONY: Back of the house is clear, Boss. Looks like this guy left in a hurry. GIBBS: You think, DiNozzo? ZIVA: And he won't be coming back. Bleach. TONY: He poisoned his fish? GIBBS: Because he couldn't take them with him. ZIVA: These fish were his prize possessions. If he can't have them, no one can. Fits the profile of a malignant narcissist. GIBBS: Spread out. ZIVA: What are we looking for, Gibbs? GIBBS: Anything that will tell us where this freak went. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Jason Geckler. My name is Special Agent McGee, NCIS. JASON: Like I told your other agents, I'm not saying anything until my dad gets here. MCGEE: He's on his way. He also said that he expects you to give us your full cooperation. JASON: Yeah? And how do I know that you really talked to him? MCGEE: Well, he wanted me to remind you that Winthrop Military Academy is still accepting applications. JASON: He would never send me there. The kind that costs money, dude? MCGEE: Does it look familiar? It was being used by two of your classmates, a Timothy Griffin and Daniel Austin. They said they got it from you. JASON: Did they now? Well, I'll just have to be sure to thank them for that when I get home. MCGEE: Look, a women's life is at stake here, okay? I need to know where you got the phone. (LONG BEAT) Tim and Dan, they must be pretty scared of you, huh? JASON: What makes you say that? MCGEE: Come on. They're obviously geeks. We used to shove them into lockers. Pull their gym shorts off in class. Drop their books down the toilet. It was even better if they start crying, right? JASON: Or wet their pants. MCGEE: Yeah, well that, too. You know what the best part is? When you get older, you're not going to remember their names, but you know what? They're always going to remember yours. That's pretty cool, huh? JASON: You know, I really haven't thought about it too much. MCGEE: Well, I have. You know why? Because I was one of those kids. And I've been looking forward to this day my entire life, dirtbag. JASON: But I didn't do anything! MCGEE: I've got you for aiding and abetting a kidnapping, interfering a Federal investigation, and selling stolen property. Do you know what that means? That means they can try you as an adult, Geck. And when you're in prison, every night when you're crying yourself to sleep, I want you to think of me, tough guy. We're done here. See you in court. JASON: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Look, I found it, all right? I can show you where. (DOOR CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR MOVING - NIGHT TONY: The BOLO's out on Lafferty, Boss. ZIVA: And his passport expired. He can't leave the country.(PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Boss... (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) I just spoke with Geckler. He said he found the phone at around noon today. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: Where, McGee? MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) The uh... (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Braddock Mall parking garage. Lafferty must have driven her back there. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) TONY: Where are we going now, Boss? GIBBS: The mall. ZIVA: And they have a problem with my driving? [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING GARAGE ROOM - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MAN RUNS TO THE CAR) (SFX: TRUNK OPENS) ZIVA: Drop your weapon! GIBBS: (SHOUTS) NCIS! Get down on your knees. ROSS LOGAN: Okay. Okay. All right. TONY: Put your hands on your head! ROSS LOGAN: Okay! GIBBS: Let me know if I'm hurting you. ROSS LOGAN: Ah, it hurts! It hurts! GIBBS: Good. ZIVA: A squeegee gun? ROSS LOGAN: I was only trying to teach her a lesson. TONY: Ross Logan, Boss. ZIVA: The man who runs Perverts Brought to Justice. ROSS LOGAN: Look, I knew she was going to confront Fleet Captain, so I followed her in case anything happened! GIBBS: You kidnapped her and locked her in the trunk of a car! ROSS LOGAN: To scare her! That's all! I came back. I was letting her out! Ow! Look, we have rules for a reason. Breaking them could get her killed. TONY: She's on her way to Bethesda in a coma, Logan. ROSS LOGAN: Hey! Ow! Oh... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - NIGHT ROSS LOGAN: Look, I... I never meant for Amanda to get hurt. GIBBS: I'll be sure to tell her that if she lives. ROSS LOGAN: Why do you think I parked the car at the mall, huh? I wanted someone to find her. GIBBS: (V.O.) Where's Lafferty? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT ROSS LOGAN: Who? GIBBS: Fleet Captain. ROSS LOGAN: How would I know? GIBBS: You were working with him. ROSS LOGAN: Are you insane? I've dedicated my life to putting perverts like that behind bars. GIBBS: You were driving his car. ROSS LOGAN: Because when I confronted him at the garage, the guy just took off. GIBBS: Without his car? ROSS LOGAN: They're cowards. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - NIGHT ROSS LOGAN: It's actually pretty common. GIBBS: Oh really? Is it also common to kidnap your co-worker? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT ROSS LOGAN: I had to make a choice. We provide you with the transcripts of them soliciting s*x from minors. We give you their names, their addresses, and you know what happens most of the time? You let them walk. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT ZIVA: Is that true, McGee? MCGEE: Well, the system isn't perfect. The punishment doesn't always fit the crime. ZIVA: Personally, I prefer simpler ways of handling things. MCGEE: I don't suppose any of those ways are legal. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) You decided to frame him? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT ROSS LOGAN: Amanda spends a few hours in a car trunk, and Fleet Captain spends at least ten years in prison. And that sounds like a fair trade to me. Look, monsters like Lafferty destroy lives. That guy deserves to be in prison. GIBBS: Be patient. You may see him there before you get out. ROSS LOGAN: (LAUGHS) This is classic. I go to jail while he's free to find a real fourteen year old. You think that's justice, (V.O.) Agent Gibbs? (DOOR CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT ABBY: Where's the boss-man? TONY: I think he went home. ABBY: He never leaves before I do. ZIVA: It's been a long Sunday, Abby. MCGEE: All righty. I just got off the phone with Bethesda. Commander Wilkerson is a little dehydrated, but otherwise doing just fine. ZIVA: So you could say today would qualify as a success. TONY: Except we let a pervert get away. ABBY: Whoa. Gibbs went home with a child molester on the loose? There's no way. TONY: Oh, you're right. ZIVA: Where is he? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - NIGHT GIBBS: The pedophile's at the front of the line putting his bag on the belt right now. Get him. AGENT: (V.O./FILTERED) Roger that, Agent Gibbs. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/SCUFFLE ON MONITOR) (MUSIC OUT)

A Navy Lt. Commander, who was in charge of a shipment of nuclear weapons, is thought to have been abducted leading to Gibbs and his team being called in on a Sunday to investigate. The team discovers that the Lt. Commander had had a meeting earlier in the day at a shopping center and that she did volunteer work at an organization dedicated to combating online pedophilia, meaning that her abductor might not have been a terrorist but a pedophile she was tracking.

fd_One_Tree_Hill_04x12

fd_One_Tree_Hill_04x12_0

Summary of the previous episodes Haley : Nathan, look out ! Nathan : Haley ! Doctor: There's no reason to expect that this baby won't be perfectly healthy. Nathan: I'm having money problems, Dad. It's serious and I need your help. Dan: You're not an investment I'm interested in. Lucas: When I was unconscious, I saw Keith. Keith: This is where I was murdered, Luke. Lucas: I still don't believe that Jimmy killed you, Keith. Keith: You still can't see it, can you? You will. Deb: I'm not leaving here till I get my damn pills. Nathan: It's either the pills or me. Rachel: I could pass calculus in my sleep. You're the one flunking out. And this is the key to the cabinet with the answers. Brooke: Got it! Principal Turner: What brings you two to school so late? Rachel: Clean Teen meeting? Shelly: I now pronounce you virgins for life. Peyton: I love you, Lucas. Lucas: I love you too, Peyton. Beginning of the episode 4x12 Lucas (voice-off): Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't. But then, one day, you feel something else, something that feels wrong, but only because it's so unfamiliar, and, in that moment, you realize you're happy. Peyton's bedroom Lucas: Hey, blondie. Peyton goes towards Lucas and they kiss. Lucas: It's gonna be a good day. Peyton: It really is, isn't it? In the highschool playground Haley arrives with her crutches and walk beside a table where students sell tickets to the prom. Haley: Oh, right, prom. Nathan comes up behind her and helps her carrying her bag. Nathan: Hey, can I get a kiss? They kiss. Haley: Just one? Nathan: I'll take as many as you got. Rachel goes to a table in front of the school where Brooke is sitting reading a mathematics' book. Rachel: Hey. She seats down. Brooke: Oh, again with the Clean Teen shirt? Really? Rachel: Well, good morning to you, too, sunshine. Brooke: Why are you so happy? Did you do something slutty? Rachel: You could say I started my day off with a bang. This shirt is like a guy magnet. I've never gotten so much attention with my clothes on. Brooke: Nice. Rachel: Why are you still studying? We have the key to the test files. Brooke: I just feel bad about the last test, that's all. Rachel: Well, you won't when you see the big, fat A on it. And speaking of big, fat As. Shelly comes to them. Shelly: Good morning, ladies. Brooke and Rachel: Hi. Shelly: Brooke, why aren't you wearing your shirt? ... How are boys supposed to know that you've chosen a lifestyle of celibacy if you're not wearing your Clean Teen shirt? Rachel: Yeah, Brooke. How are they gonna know? Shelly: Lucky for you, I always carry extras. Brooke: Awesome. A boy arrives. Boy: Hey, Shelly. Shelly: Oh, have you guys met Chase? He's our newest member. He just transferred from Westerberg. Brooke puts her Clean Teen shirt on. Brooke: Hi. Brooke Davis, Clean Teen. GENERIC SEASON 4 In the school library Chase is leafing through a book when Brooke sees him; she goes towards him and bumps into him. Brooke: Oh, God, sorry. Chase: It's all right. Chase gone; and Brooke goes join Mouth seated at one of the library's tables. Brooke: Mouth, why won't Chase talk to me? Mouth: Who? Brooke: Chase. The new guy. Mouth looks at Chase. Mouth: Another new guy? Great. Brooke: I smiled, I flipped my hair, I rubbed up against him, and that didn't work, and that always works. Mouth looks again at Chase. Mouth: Well, rub all you want, but he's immune to girls like you. He's a Clean Teen. Brooke: So? You're a virgin. You'd sleep with me, right? Mouth: Okay, what I meant was he's a virgin by choice. Brooke: All I need is an in, here, okay? What do virgins talk about? Mouth: Well, let's see. We like rainbows and kittens. Brooke kicking Mouth: Mouth! Mouth: Brooke, just talk to him. What's the big deal? Brooke: It's not... Shelly comes towards them. Shelly: Brooke, just wanted to let you know we are having an emergency Clean Teen meeting after school today. Brooke: Can't wait. Shelly and Mouth are looking themselves, Mouth is smiling. Brooke: Sorry! Shelly, this is my friend Mouth. Mouth, Shelly. They look themselves again. Shelly: Okay, then. I'll see you guys later. Shelly leaves Mouth and Brooke. Mouth: I'm Mouth. Brooke: Smooth. That was very smooth. Mouth: What just happened? Brooke: It's not that easy to talk to a hot virgin, is it? Mouth: No. In Peyton and Lucas' classroom Lucas tries to give Peyton a paper, but the teacher intercepts it. The teacher: Well, well. Passing notes, Mr. Scott? How about we share this with the class? Lucas: I'd be happy to. It just says that... "Peyton, you look amazing. And I can't wait till class is over so I can look at those green eyes and kiss your perfect lips." Did I miss anything? The teacher: Nope, that that pretty much covers it. Peyton care to respond? Peyton and Lucas kiss. The teacher: Oh, young love. At least you'll be together in detention. Peyton (whispering): So worth it. In the high school playground Nathan looks at the classified advertisements. Skills comes towards him. Skills: Yo, Nate. What up, dog? Nathan: Looking for a job. My dad helped us out of debt, so I just got to make sure we stay that way. Skills: Yeah. Hey, look, I got a way you can make some real quick cash. You know that club over there on Stinson Street? Nathan: The strip club? Skills signs yes with his head. Nathan: Whatever you're about to say, the answer is no. Skills: Oh, come on, dog. Man, they have an amateur night tonight. A $1000 prize, man. Look, last year them girls went crazy over you at Boy Toy. I'm telling you, me and you together, dog, we can't lose. Nathan: No. The answer's still no. I'm sorry. I'm just not that desperate. Skills: All right, but we could have blew up the place, though. Look, man, I've been watching these new Usher videos on TRL. My moves is tight, dog. Look. Skills makes a demonstration. Skills: Look at this one. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. Karen's Caf 's kitchen Dan: Here we go. Karen: Thank you. Did you remember the cheese? Dan: Right on top. Deb arrives in the kitchen. Deb: Karen! She sees Karen and Dan together. Deb: I used to have one of those. I tried to put it to sleep. Looks like you got yours neutered. Karen: Good morning, Deb. What are you here for? Target practice? Deb: You know, for a smart woman you're being really stupid letting Dan into your life. The one who abandoned you when you were pregnant and left Lucas fatherless. The one who treated Keith horribly his whole life. You remember Keith, don't you? The man whose baby you're carrying? Dan: That's enough. Deb: He would roll over in his grave if he could see the two of you together! She goes away. Dan: Maybe my being here is a bad idea. In Brooke and Rachel's classroom Brooke (speaking to Rachel): This whole thing was a bad idea. I should have never cheated on the test. The teacher distributes the tests. Brooke: Or maybe it was the best idea ever! This is so going on the fridge. Chase: Wow, good grade. I have the toughest time with calculus. Brooke: Yeah, a lot of people do. Chase: Maybe you could tutor me. Rachel laughs. Brooke: Sure, anytime. Brooke (to Rachel): Check me out. I'm a smart virgin. Rachel: Great, you're the new Mouth. In Peyton's room Peyton: Okay, look, just so you know, "Kid A" goes under "R" for Radiohead. Lucas: And where did I put it? Peyton: Somewhere in the middle of the Foo Fighters for some reason. Lucas: You really alphabetize your collection? Peyton: Yes. Alphabetized by genre and sub genre. Lucas: Okay, music genius, can you tell me who sings this song on the radio right now? Peyton: Oh. Watch and be amazed. She takes her phone and opens an application which analyzes the song. And she shows the results to Lucas. Peyton: How awesome is that? Lucas: That's pretty awesome. Peyton: I know. Lucas: Kind of like your smile. Peyton: Oh. Lucas: No, happy looks good on you. Peyton: Yeah? Lucas: Mmh... Peyton: I feel like I'm living in an Air Supply song. Lucas: Well, you know, if we're going to go '8os, I'm more of a Van Halen fan. Peyton: No, it's just... Everything's better now, you know? Pinks are pinker and blues are bluer, and even my favourite foods taste yummier. Lucas: Yummier? Peyton: Yummier. What's your favourite food? Lucas: Chocolate chip cookies. Peyton: I'll tell you what; they probably taste so much better. Lucas: Well, if anyone can make a chocolate chip cookie taste better, I'm sure it's you. Peyton: Oh see? You're so feeling the love. Lucas: Oh, sure. Anything for a cookie. Peyton: Come with me. They leave the room and go to the cemetery. Lucas: So, you know, if we're both feeling the love, what are we doing in a cemetery? Peyton: There's somebody I want you to meet. They go to Peyton's Mom's grave. Peyton: Hi, Mom. It's me. So this is Lucas, the boy I've been telling you about. Look what he's done. He's got me smiling. Can you believe it? Lucas: Hey, Mrs. Sawyer. I just want you to know that Peyton's the best thing I have in my life. I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for her. Peyton: Likewise. They kiss languidly. Peyton: Can I have a sec? Lucas: Yeah. Lucas kisses Peyton on her forehead. And he goes on Keith's grave. Peyton: So, what do you think? He's cute, huh? Lucas: Hey, Keith. He seats behind the grave, takes his eyes closed and thinks at a scene with Keith in a corridor of the high school. Flash-back Keith: Open your eyes, Luke. End of the Flash-back Lucas looks at Peyton and rethinks at the moment when he saw Peyton at the cemetery on his grave. Flash-back Lucas: I still don't believe that Jimmy killed you, Keith. Keith: You were here that day. What did you see? No! Lucas sees Keith still alive on Jimmy's corpse. Fin Flash-back Peyton join Lucas. Peyton: Luke? Hey, you okay? Lucas: You're gonna think that this is crazy, but I don't think Jimmy killed Keith. In Nathan and Haley's bedroom. Haley is trying dresses when Nathan comes into the untidy room. Nathan: Did the closet explode? Haley: How do I look in this? Nathan: Is there a right answer to that question? Haley: Well, none of my dresses fit me anymore! Nathan: Baby, you're pregnant, they're... They're not supposed to fit you. Haley: You know what else? The doctor said it's gonna take six to eight weeks to heal, which means prom is four weeks away, which means I am gonna be stuck with these stupid crutches. Nathan: No, hey, you don't know that. Haley: In a perfect world, I would just wear such a beautiful dress, and I would dance with the man that I love. But even if there was a dress somewhere in this world that fit me, we don't even have any money for it anyway. It's okay. You know what? It's okay. I'll just... I'll go and I'll be pregnant and gimpy and, you know, most likely wearing sweatpants. Nathan: Hey. Hey, you'll look great in anything, okay? It's all right. Except maybe that dress. Haley goes in the bathroom In the high school's body building room Skills is making exercises when Nathan comes into the room. Nathan: Just how naked do we have to get? Skills: See? I knew you would come around. Don't worry man. We're gonna win this thing Nathan: I don't know man, you haven't seen me dance. I'm terrible. Skills: Man, you'll be fine. We got the best choreographer in town. Mouth arrives. Mouth: Hey, Nate. Skills said you'd come around. Skills: So, look, you can't be that bad, so let's see what you got. Nathan makes a demonstration. It's horrible. ^^ Skills: Is he as bad as I think he is? Mouth: No, he's worse. Skills: Maybe it's the song. Peyton's bedroom Skills: Okay, so check it out. What I need is an off-the-hook hip-hop jam with a really easy beat to follow. Peyton: Okay. Skills: So, how everything going with you and Lucas? I mean, you happy? Peyton: I'm happy. Skills: That's my girl. You know love sometimes don't really make sense. I mean, look at me and Bevin. But you two make sense. Peyton found the CD she's looking for. Peyton: Okay. Track number two on this. It's gonna treat you right. Skills: Oh, so you done went old school on me. I like that. Peyton: So what do you guys need this music for, anyway? Skills: Well, me and Nathan, let's just say we entered a dance contest. Peyton: Wait. Nathan Scott? No way! What aren't you telling me? Skills: Let's just say you got to show some skin to win. Peyton: You guys are stripping? Shut up! Please, can I tell Lucas? Skills: Better than that, why don't you tell some girls, 'cause the way he moves, we're gonna need all the home cooking we can get! Clean teen's meeting in a classroom Chase: So, I was thinking, since you said you'd help tutor me in calculus... Brooke: I did. But, what's in it for me? Chase: Well, I could feed you. Brooke: What? Like a monkey in a cage? Chase: Feed you like nice dinner at a fancy restaurant. Brooke: That sounds nice, too. Chase: How about tonight? Brooke: Yeah. Definitely. Shelly: Clean Teens, I called this emergency meeting because there is an imposter among us. One of you has soiled the Clean Teen name. And I think we all know who that person is. Charity's older brother is in college. Why don't we take a look at some footage he shot for us? They watch a video of a party where Rachel takes off her Clean Teen shirt. Shelly: I don't think we need to go any further. A boy: I think we do. Shelly: Shut up, Sheldon. Rachel: So, I took my top off. So what? It didn't go further than that. Shelly: Don't make me black light you. It would be one thing if you felt a little remorse for your actions, but you clearly don't. So you leave me no choice Rachel. You're out of Clean Teens. Rachel: Can I keep the shirt? Shelly: No! Rachel: Fine! She takes off her shirt. Rachel (to Brooke): Come on, we're so out of here. Brooke: Actually, I'm gonna stay. Sheldon: I'll go with you. Rachel: Beat it, nerd. At Karen's Caf Lucas comes into the Karen's Caf . Karen: Hey. I almost didn't recognize you without Peyton attached to your hip. Lucas: Funny. Karen: Well, if it matters, I approve. You've had the biggest crush on her for years. Lucas: Mom, guys don't have crushes. Girls have crushes. Karen: What do guys have? The hots? Lucas: Oh, "the hots"? Seriously, where do you come un with this stuff? Karen: Look, my point is that I'm very happy that the two of you have finally found each other. You know, with Keith, it was just... I just... I loved him. Very much. Lucas: He said seeing you still takes his breath away. Karen: What? Lucas: Look, I didn't know if I was gonna tell you this, but when I was in the hospital, I saw Keith. Karen: What do you mean, you saw him? Like in a dream? Lucas: Sort of. And it was just so real. You know, he showed me things, Mom. He took me to the school, and U saw Jimmy lying there on the floor, dead, and Keith was standing above him. And he was still alive, as if Jimmy didn't kill Keith. Karen: Look, Lucas, it was a dream. Lucas: Mom... Karen: I know that it is very hard for you to accept the truth because Jimmy was your friend. But he shot Keith, just like he shot Peyton. You should be thankful that you still have her here. Don't ever take her for granted. [SCENE_BREAK] In the high school library Principal Turner: Thank you all for coming. I... Miss Davis. Thanks for joining us. Brooke: Sorry. Principal Turner: I've asked all of the tutor staff to be here because we have a situation. Tests are missing from the Tutor Center files. Brooke: Why am I here? Principal Turner: As Student Council President, you should also be aware of what happened. Brooke: Oh, yeah, right. Principal Turner: Does anyone know who might have stolen the exams or had unauthorized access? I'd like to have a list of all current students who are being tutored. Whoever did this will be expelled. Or worse. Outside of the school Haley: I will bet you anything Rachel stole those tests. Brooke: What? Haley: When I was tutoring her, she tried to bribe me for them. Brooke: Haley, I live with Rachel. If she'd stolen the tests, I'd know. At Rachel's Brooke: Hey. We have a problem. Rachel: Yeah, you stabbed me in the back from the front. Brooke: Okay, we have two problems. Did you return the calculus exams that we stole? Rachel: Maybe. Okay, I forgot. Brooke: Rachel! Turner knows the tests are missing, and now he's on a total witch hunt. Rachel: Who cares, Brooke? He doesn't know it was us. The bigger problem is how you left me hanging today. Brooke: You said it yourself, Clean Teens was our alibi. Otherwise, we can't justify why we were in the school that night. Rachel: That is not what's going on. You screwed me over for a guy who won't screw you. Brooke: Oh, please, like I couldn't get Chase after a little chase. Rachel: I think you're forgetting something. You see, Chase is into smart, born-again-virgin Brooke, not stupid, slutty, "I cheated on the calculus test" Brooke. Brooke: Fine. But have you seen me? Because I could easily have s*x with him if I wanted to. Rachel: Interesting. Care to bet on that? In body-building room Nathan: Took you long enough. Mouth: Dude, these outfits rock. You guys are gonna win that 1000 hands down. Skills: Or pants down. Nathan: Hey, I don't know. I still suck. Skills: Look, man, we're going to be fine. I just need you to look good. I'm gonna do all the dancing. Let's see the outfits. Mouth: Okay. Mouth shows to Nathan and Skills their outfits. Mouth: Oh, yeah! Nathan: Hell, no! Mouth and Skills laugh. Skills: He just playing, man. Look, I thought we'd go with a different kind of uniform. Nathan: Oh, okay. All right. Mouth: Dude, you should have seen your face. At Peyton's Lucas comes in and sees some smoke. Lucas: Peyton? Peyton: I'm sorry. She shows him the burst chocolate chip cookies. Lucas: Oh, this is messed up. Peyton: Yeah, I know. The timer didn't go off. Lucas: No, I mean, like, I kind of expected it, you know? Like another day, another disaster. Peyton: It's like with everything that's happened, we've become chaos junkies. Lucas: So I told my mom about seeing Keith. I didn't even think about how much it was gonna upset her. Peyton: Luke, you didn't mean to hurt her. Lucas: I know, but I did. You know, I just... I just want to let it all go away, you know? I don't want to be like this anymore. How'd you like to just be happy? Peyton: I thought you'd never ask. At the cemetery Dan: It seems like I spend more time with Keith now than I did when he was alive. I'm sorry, I don't wanna intrude. Karen: Dan. I bought a roast for dinner, and I didn't know Lucas had plans tonight. It's gonna be too much for me. Would you like to come over for dinner? Dan: I'd like that. At Deb's Deb sleeps and Dan arrives and throws on her a glass of water. Deb: Oh, God. I thought vampires had to be invited in. Dan: And I thought water melted witches. Yet, here we are. That was quite the performance you put on today. Deb: Why are you messing with Karen's head? Hasn't she suffered enough? Dan: You don't think my intentions toward Karen are sincere? Deb: You don't have a sincere bone in your body, Dan. Dan: Do you remember the night before our wedding? Deb: You pour water in my face and now you want to take a trip down memory lane? You disappeared after the rehearsal dinner and my parents were furious. Is that what you wanted to hear? Dan: I drove to Tree Hill and spent the night parked in front of Karen's house. I knew I was on the verge of making a huge mistake. You see, Karen was the love of my life, yet I was too proud to tell her. I never loved you, Deb. I settled for you. And I mean that. Sincerely. Deb: You a miserable ass of a man! Nathan and I are so much better off without you poisoning our lives. Dan: Nathan and I? Take another pill boozy. Nathan cut you out of his life long before I did. At Nathan and Haley's Someone knocks at the door, Haley opens. Haley: Jeez. Deb: Where's Nathan? I need to see him. Haley: Not like this, you don't. Deb: Don't keep me from my own son! Haley: Deb, you're the one ruining your relationship with Nathan. Don't put that on me. Deb: I need to see him! Deb makes Haley falling down. Nathan arrives. Haley: Oh God! Nathan: Mom! Haley, are you okay? You all right? What are you doing? She's pregnant, Mom! Deb: It was an accident. I didn't mean to hurt her. Nathan: Why don't you forget I exist and we'll call it even, okay? Deb: I'm sorry. Nathan: No, Mom, you're leaving. And do not come back. I'm not doing this anymore. In a restaurant Chase: You keep looking at me weird. Brooke: I know. I'm sorry. It's just really hard for me to believe that you've never had s*x. Chase: It's not that I haven't had the opportunity. I just wanna wait until I find the right person. Brooke: But you've had girlfriends. Chase: I've had one serious girlfriend, but it didn't end well. Brooke: Did you break up because she wanted to have s*x? Chase: Yeah. With my best friend. Turns out she was cheating on me pretty much the whole time. Brooke: Wow, that... That sucks. Chase: Yeah, I lost my girlfriend and my best friend on the same day. Brooke: I didn't know we had so much in common. Chase: That happened to you, too? Brooke: They didn't have s*x, but my best friend fell in love with my boyfriend. Twice. Chase: You guys still friends? Brooke: Not like we used to be. Chase: I know people think that being in Clean Teens is weird. I mean, especially being a guy. And, trust me, it's not 'cause I don't love girls. I do, but I just wanted to start over, you know? I mean the next relationship I get into is gonna be with someone I can trust. Someone who's completely honest with me. In the wings of the strip-club Nathan is watching the spectators. Nathan: Mouth, you did not tell me that Rachel and Bevin were coming. Mouth: You guys need people cheering for you if you wanna win, and who's better at cheering than cheerleaders? Nathan: Please tell me you didn't invite Haley. Mouth: I didn't invite Haley. But Skills told Peyton, who might have told Lucas. So there's that. Nathan: Right. At Naley's Someone knock at the door. Haley: Coming! Peyton: Hey! Haley: Hi! Peyton: Turn around. Haley: Why? Peyton: Get dressed. Luke's out in the car. You're coming with us. Haley: Oh, no, no. I really don't feel like going out tonight. Peyton: Haley, where's your sense of adventure? Haley: It probably got knocked out of me when I got hit by a car. Peyton: Okay, well, seriously, you're gonna want to see this. Trust me, it'll be a night to remember. Go. Haley: Yeah, yeah, yeah. In Tree Hill, next to the river. Chase: So, what do you think? You ready to study? Brooke: Oh, well, what else do you have in mind? Chase: We could dance. Brooke: Oh, no. Chase: Come on. Come on. Brooke: I don't know how to dance to this kind of music. Chase: It's easy. I'll show you. They start dancing in front of the orchestra. Chase: This isn't so bad, is it? Brooke: It beats studying. Chase: My parents would dance like this, you know, late at night after I went to bed. I used to sit at the top of the stairs in my footie pyjamas and just watch them. Brooke: That was what? A year ago? Chase: They were so happy and so in love. Your heart is beating really fast. Brooke: Is it? At the strip-club A man is dancing. Nathan: The guy's gonna have a heart attack. Mouth: I checked out all the other competition. There's no way you guys don't win. Did you get a load of the guy who looked like Chewbacca? Nathan: Wait, I saw that guy! That dude is furry. Skills, check this out. Skills looks inside the strip-club. Skills: Man, there's a lot of people out there. Man, is it hot in here or is it just me? Nathan: Well, it's gonna be even hotter on stage under those lights. Skills: Yeah? At Deb's She comes home, crying. She goes into the kitchen and takes some pills. In Tree Hill Chase: So tell me again why ice cream was a good idea on a cold night? Brooke: It's all part of my plan to get you cold so I can warm you up. Chase: Pretty diabolical. Brooke: That's what I do, Chase. The boy's can't resist my cuteness. Chase: I don't know if I'd call you cute. Brooke: No? Chase: Nah. More like beautiful. Even with ice cream on your face. I got it. So tell me more about this plan. In the strip-club Nathan: Skills, this plan was your idea. What do you mean you can't go on? Skills: Man, you see all them people out there? Mouth: Skills, you've played basketball in front of thousands of people. Skills: Yeah, but they don't be all up on you like that. Plus, I have my clothes on, man. The animator: Our next act is Double Trouble! Nathan: That's us. What's it gonna be? Mouth replaces Skills for the show. They start their show. Bevin goes in the wings to see Skills. Bevin: Mama came to see her man dance and her man's not on stage. Skills: Yeah, I know, baby, but there's a whole lot of people out there. Bevin: But if you don't dance for me, then you won't get to see me dance for you. Skills goes on stage. Nathan: What happened to your stage fright? Skills: Mama came to see her man dance. They continue the show together. The show is finished, they leave the strip club. Rachel: Nathan looked good tonight. No wonder you're pregnant. Haley: Oh, you're funny. How's calculus going? Rachel: Fine. Why? Haley: I just think it's wild how you went from failing to fine with just a few tutoring sessions. Rachel: You're just good, I guess. Anyway, see you. Haley: Rachel, someone stole some tests from the Tutoring Center and if I find out that it's you, I'm turning you in. At Dan's Porch His phone rings. Dan: Is this important? I'm running over to Karen's for dinner. Deb: I messed up so many things. Things I can't fix. Dan: How long is this gonna take? I'm running low on minutes this month. Deb: Please be good to Nathan. I've failed him too many times to count. He deserves so much better. Dan: Deb, you gotta stop taking those pills. Deb: It's all right now. They're all gone. Dan: Deb? Deb? In front of Deb's house Deb is on a stretcher and she is put into the ambulance. Dan is there, his phone rings. Dan: Karen, I'm sorry. I'm running late. I should have called you. ... No, nothing important. In Chase's car Chase: Whoa, where'd you go? Brooke: Well, this is one of the most notorious make-out spots in town. Chase: It also has one of the nicest views in town. Brooke: There's a view? She looks the view. Brooke: Who knew? Chase: I thought maybe we could talk. Brooke: Okay. Sorry, I haven't been a Clean Teen very long. Chase: I know. I've seen your time capsule video. You don't see too many topless virgins. Brooke: I can't believe you've seen that. Chase: I don't care about who you were, Brooke. I care about who you are. Brooke: I didn't think guys like you actually existed. Sweet and sincere and hot. You're like a unicorn. Chase: A unicorn, huh? Brooke: Yeah. Chase: How about a dragon? Yeah, a dragon sounds way cooler. Brooke: Okay. Yeah, you can be the dragon. In Peyton's kitchen Lucas arrives and tastes one of the chocolate chip cookies. He makes a strange head. Peyton: What, too hot? What? What? Lucas: A little salty. Peyton: Salty? I put a dash of salt in there. That's what it said to do on the recipe. Lucas: How mush is a dash? Show me. She shows him. Her dash is more like a handful. ^^ Lucas: Oh, that's... That's more like a handful. Oh my god. Peyton: Okay, great. Well maybe this batch will be better. Try it out. She let's Lucas taste, she makes a mess. Lucas: No. Still salty. Peyton: Yeah. Lucas: Yeah. You know what? Maybe I need a second opinion. A funny fight starts. Peyton: No! Lucas: Oh, you better run! Nathan and Haley's bedroom Nathan arrives with a gift. Haley comes out from the bathroom. Haley: How you doing, hot stuff? Nathan: Very funny. Get it all out. Haley: How much for a lap dance? Nathan: You done? Haley: Not even close. I'm serious. How much for a lap dance? Nathan: I needed some quick cash, okay? Haley: What for? Nathan: This. He shows the gift to Haley. Nathan: They actually have prom dresses in the maternity section. Who knew? Haley: Nathan, this is really beautiful. Nathan: Well, I'm just glad that we won tonight. Otherwise, I would have had to take that back. I just wanted you to have a great prom, Hales. Haley: Whoa! Thank you. Maybe we should have waited to save the money until after you got a job. Nathan: I'll get a job. You said, in a perfect world, you'd wear a pretty dress and you'd dance with the man you love. Haley: Well, I don't think I'm gonna be dancing. I mean, you know, the doctor said it takes most people... Nathan: You're not most people. I've seen how you are when you set your mind to something. You can do this. I'll help you. They kiss. On Rachel's porch Brooke: I had a really great time, but I feel bad we didn't actually study. Chase: Maybe we could try again tomorrow night. Brooke: Yeah, I'd like that. Chase: Looks like your diabolical plan is working. Brooke: Well... They kiss. Brooke: Okay. That was amazing. Chase: Well, when all you do is kiss, you kind of get good at it. Brooke: Yeah. They kiss again. In Peyton's kitchen, which became a real battle field. Peyton: Oh, man, I've got cookie dough all over me. It's even in my bra. Maybe I should take it off. Lucas: What... Peyton: Sucker! You surrender? Lucas: I give up. I'm putting the lid down. Now if you are gonna be taking anything off, please, please, please, let me help you. They kiss. Lucas (voice-off): Happiness comes in many forms. In the company of good friends, in the feeling you get when you make someone else's dream come true, or in the promise of hope renewed. In Peyton's kitchen Peyton: You know what? I think you missed some right there. Lucas: Really? You know what? I take that back. This is the best cookie I've ever had. Peyton: Really? They kiss. Lucas (voice-off): It's okay to let yourself be happy. At Karen's Dan: You've been quiet all night. Karen: I'm sorry. It's just that Lucas said something really unsettling today. Dan: What'd he say? Karen: He said he doesn't think that Jimmy Edwards killed Keith. Lucas (voice-off): Because you never know how fleeting that happiness might be. Dan: Is that right? End of the Episode

With senior prom only weeks away, Haley's frustration over her injuries increases and Skills and Mouth hatch a plan to help Nathan earn money for the big dance by stripping. Brooke betrays Rachel in order to get closer to a new guy and Peyton and Lucas resolve to be happy. Struggling with her drug addiction, Deb makes a choice that could end her life.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_04x15

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_04x15_0

THE HIGHLANDERS by ELWYN JONES and GERRY DAVIS first broadcast - 17th December 1966 running time - 24mins 38secs [SCENE_BREAK] 1. EXT. A HILL (On Culloden Moor, the Scottish Highland clans, loyal to Prince Charles Edward, battle with the English and German regiments loyal to the English monarch, King George. Unable to endure the superior fire power, the Highlanders have broken ranks and started to flee the battlefield. JAMIE McCRIMMON, ALEXANDER McLAREN and his sister, KIRSTY, carry the injured Laird, COLIN McLAREN, across the moor. They are confronted on a hill top by a Redcoat. Alexander dodges a bayonet lunge from the Englishman and after a brief scuffle he gains the upper hand, stabbing the Redcoat in the stomach.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. EXT. A SMALL WOODED HOLLOW (The TARDIS materialises in the middle of a clump of brambles and ferns. BEN and POLLY emerge, followed by THE DOCTOR.) POLLY: It's so cool. (BEN parts the brambles.) BEN: Hey, Polly. POLLY: What? (Shivering) Ooh. BEN: Where does this remind you of? POLLY: Oh, it's cold and damp. BEN: No, where does it remind you of? (POLLY catches herself in some brambles.) POLLY: Ouch! Prickles! What? BEN: Where else could it be? We're home, Duchess! POLLY: Oh, you never give up hope, do you? We'll ask the Doctor. Hey, Doctor. THE DOCTOR: Listen. (There is the sound of an explosion in the distance.) BEN: It sounds like the cup final. (There is the piercing whistle of a projectile.) POLLY: Look out! (BEN and POLLY throw themselves to the ground as the projectile lands nearby.) THE DOCTOR: What are you doing down there? BEN: What was it? (BEN moves to have a closer look at the projectile.) BEN: It looks like an old-time cannon ball. Aah! It's hot. THE DOCTOR: Allow me. (He examines the cannon ball.) THE DOCTOR: Yes, a ten pounder. That does it! (THE DOCTOR begins to move off towards the TARDIS.) POLLY: But Doctor we can't leave, this looks like England. BEN: Yeah, I'm going to look over that hill. (BEN heads up hill.) POLLY: Doctor, you don't want us to think you're afraid, do you? THE DOCTOR: Why not? POLLY: Look we can't let Ben go up there on his own. We don't know what he's gonna find. Come on. (POLLY follows BEN up the hill. THE DOCTOR shrugs and heads off after them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. INT. A COTTAGE (In a cottage nearby KIRSTY is tending her father, the wounded Laird, who is lying on a bed in the corner.) COLIN: Ahh, Kirsty. Ahh. KIRSTY: He badly needs a doctor. ALEXANDER: Aye, and food. COLIN: Water... water... water... water... JAMIE: There's a wee drop left yet. (COLIN gulps the water that JAMIE hands him.) COLIN: The battle. The battle! ALEXANDER: It's done! The clans are broken. Shot to pieces by the English guns. Never had the chance to get to within claymore's length of them. (COLIN slumps back on his bed.) COLIN: Ah, the slaughter. (JAMIE blows a note on the pipes.) ALEXANDER: Whist! Do you have to bring the redcoats upon us? JAMIE: Well they'll be here soon enough, have no fear. COLIN: The Prince? JAMIE: Do not fuss yourself. He was the first to leave the field. ALEXANDER: What's that you say about the Prince? COLIN: Ah stay, the pair of you. Why didn't you leave me to die on the field? ALEXANDER: You're the Laird himself. COLIN: The Laird of what? All the men of our clan are lying in the mud of the Culloden Moor. Oh, I should be with them. Oh Kirsty, my Kirsty. (He begins to sob.) ALEXANDER: We may not be long joining them. The English troops are butchering all their wounded and hanging all their prisoners. JAMIE: They cannot hang us all, can they? ALEXANDER: They'll never hang me, piper. You may be sure of that. (looking out of the cabin) Whist! KIRSTY: The English? ALEXANDER: There is but three of them. JAMIE: They're not soldiers. COLIN: Our people? ALEXANDER: Well, I'll find out. Jamie, at the rear. You gang that way. Wait my signal! [SCENE_BREAK] 4. EXT. A HILL NEAR THE COTTAGE (THE DOCTOR, BEN and POLLY are walking down the brow of a hill. The sound of battle can be heard in the distance.) BEN: Hey, look! (BEN indicates a cannon up ahead of them.) BEN: This must be where that cannon ball came from. THE DOCTOR: It's unlikely. BEN: What do you mean it's unlikely? THE DOCTOR: It's been spiked. BEN: Been what? THE DOCTOR: Been spiked. (BEN looks down the barrel.) BEN: Well how did you know? (THE DOCTOR ignores his question, stepping forward to pick up a tam-o'-shanter.) THE DOCTOR: I would like a hat like this. (He puts it on, posing excitedly.) THE DOCTOR: How do I look? (POLLY takes the beret and inspects it.) POLLY: It's got words on it - "With Charles our brave and merciful Prince Royal, we'll greatly fall or nobly save our country." THE DOCTOR: Bah! Romantic piffle! (He pulls the hat from her hands and throws it to the ground. ALEXANDER steps up from behind THE DOCTOR and holds a claymore to his throat. JAMIE is there instantly, his dirk at BEN's chest.) ALEXANDER: You'll pick it up! JAMIE: Ah, careful, like. (THE DOCTOR cautiously bends down and picks up the beret. ALEXANDER takes it from him and points his claymore in the direction of the cottage.) ALEXANDER: This way with you. Quick! (They set off down the hill.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. INT. THE COTTAGE (KIRSTY attends to COLIN.) COLIN: We're gonna have to walk to the caves. KIRSTY: Father, you're in no fit state to travel. (ALEXANDER, JAMIE and their captives enter the cottage.) ALEXANDER: Kirsty! Get away with you. COLIN: Who are they? ALEXANDER: I know not. They're no Scot. They threw down the Prince's cockade. POLLY: Cockade? BEN: What Prince? (THE DOCTOR smiles as he suspicions are confirmed.) THE DOCTOR: Prince Charles Edward. Bonnie Prince Charlie. ALEXANDER: You have the tongue. Aye, I thought so. English the three of them. Camp followers to the Duke of Cumberland. Come to steal from the dead. (JAMIE raises his dirk to THE DOCTOR's throat, but COLIN intervenes.) COLIN: Abide a moment! Do you wish to pray before you die? THE DOCTOR: Die! POLLY: Die for what? BEN: Well, you can't kill us in cold blood! JAMIE: Well, our bloods warm enough! Your English troopers gave no quarter to men, women and bairns. POLLY: Doctor, tell them who we are. KIRSTY: Doctor? (KIRSTY grabs ALEXANDER's arm in excitement at the prospect of a doctor, but he pushes her away.) ALEXANDER: Get away, will you woman! KIRSTY: We have need of a doctor. ALEXANDER: The Laird. COLIN: Get me a doctor. Get me a doctor. KIRSTY: Look, kill them after. Let them help the Laird first. ALEXANDER: We're not going to trust the Laird with these Sassenach, woman. KIRSTY: But if they can help him at all... ALEXANDER: Kirsty, get away, will you. THE DOCTOR: Just think of the women. (BEN notices a pistol beside the Laird. Leaping forward, he grabs it and takes aim.) BEN: Right, back both of you! Or your Laird won't need a doctor. THE DOCTOR: Well done, Ben. And now gentlemen... ALEXANDER: I'm warning you! THE DOCTOR: Your swords, I think. Ben, cock the pistol! KIRSTY: But why? (KIRSTY desperately appeals to the two Scots.) KIRSTY: Give them up! THE DOCTOR: Polly, take the swords. (Reluctantly the two Highlanders let POLLY remove their swords.) THE DOCTOR: That's the style. Now back against the wall, both of you. Go on! That's better. (He moves over to examine COLIN.) THE DOCTOR: Now, I'm going to have a look at the wound. Come along, come along. Let me see. Yes. We're going to need some clean water to bathe the wound. (He looks up from the wounded man at KIRSTY.) THE DOCTOR: Ah. KIRSTY: I'll not leave him. THE DOCTOR: We're not going to harm him. Polly! POLLY: Yes. THE DOCTOR: You go with her. POLLY: Oh, all right. (THE DOCTOR hands them a leather bucket.) THE DOCTOR: Off you go then. POLLY: Will you show me where the stream is? ALEXANDER: Here, Kirsty. Take the Laird's spyglass with you. And watch out for these Sassenach dragoons. (The two girls leave.) THE DOCTOR: You can put it away now, Ben. BEN: Put it away? But... THE DOCTOR: Will you both give us your word that you'll not molest us? We're only trying to save your Laird from bleeding to death. (ALEXANDER and JAMIE exchange looks.) ALEXANDER: Aye. JAMIE: You have our word. THE DOCTOR: Put it away, Ben. BEN: What, are you going to trust these blokes? THE DOCTOR: A Highlanders word is his bond! At least don't point it at me! (BEN shrugs and carelessly tosses the pistol onto a table. It goes off.) BEN: It just went off! (ALEXANDER turns to him angrily.) ALEXANDER: You fool! JAMIE: You'll have every English soldier within miles! BEN: Well, what's wrong with that? THE DOCTOR: What's... You should have paid more attention to your history books, Ben. BEN: Eh? (JAMIE is looking out of a window.) JAMIE: Redcoats! There's about six of them. (ALEXANDER joins JAMIE at the window.) ALEXANDER: They'll slaughter us! [SCENE_BREAK] 6. EXT. HILL NEAR THE COTTAGE (The English soldiers are at the top of a hill, gazing down the glen at the cottage. Their commanding officer, LIEUTENANT ALGERNON FFINCH, sits astride a white horse.) SOLDIER: Sir! A rebel's been sighted, sir. SERGEANT: Then there's only the cottage where the shooting seemed to come from. ALGERNON: Good. Only one? SERGEANT: Only one seen, sire. There could be more. ALGERNON: There better be. We haven't seen many, have we? SERGEANT: No. Well, the troopers were ahead of us, sir. ALGERNON: And done a good job. Now, I wish they'd left us some pickings. SERGEANT: Ah, perhaps when they got away they took their possessions with them. ALGERNON: Let's hope so. Take a man around the rear, Sergeant. We'll outflank them. SERGEANT: Sir! ALGERNON: Tell them to shoot first and take no risks. Remember these rebels will be desperate by now. SERGEANT: Yes, sir! ALGERNON: Advance in battle order. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. INT. THE COTTAGE (The Highlanders are considering their options.) JAMIE: We'll be caught like rats in a trap. Can we not run for it? ALEXANDER: And leave the Laird to their mercy? There is but one chance. It is but a very slim one. I will try and draw them away from this cottage. THE DOCTOR: Wait! Wait! (But it is too late, ALEXANDER has already left, sword at the ready.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. EXT. THE COTTAGE ALEXANDER: Creag an tuire! (ALEXANDER raises his sword and charges towards the English troops, but is quickly gunned down.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. INT. THE COTTAGE (The English troops, with the SERGEANT at the lead, burst into the cottage.) SERGEANT: Surrender in the King's name! BEN: Blimey, it's good to hear a London voice again. SERGEANT: Silence, you rebel dog! BEN: Rebel? What are you talking about? I'm no rebel! Me and the Doctor here, have just arrived. SERGEANT: Deserter, then. You'll hang just the same. (THE DOCTOR interjects, with a thick German accent.) THE DOCTOR: I'm glad you've come, Sergeant. I was waiting for an escort. SERGEANT: Who the devil... THE DOCTOR: Civil tongue, Sergeant! You are in charge of these men? ALGERNON: No! (The Lieutenant, ALGERNON FFINCH, enters asserting his authority.) ALGERNON: I am. THE DOCTOR: A gentleman, at last. Doctor von Wer, at your service. SERGEANT: Doctor who? THE DOCTOR: (Mutters under his breath.) That's what I said. ALGERNON: One of those confounded froggies that came over with the Pretender. BEN: We ain't French. Are we? THE DOCTOR: German, from Hanover. Where your good King George comes from. And I speak English a good deal better than he does. SERGEANT: Hear that, sir. Treason! Shall we hang them now? (The Lieutenant points to the bed.) ALGERNON: Wait a moment. Who is that? JAMIE: Colin McLaren, the Laird, and I'm his piper. SERGEANT: Ah, they're a poor lot, sir. We'll get no pickings here. Let's hang them and have done. BEN: Well a right shower you are! What have we done? Nothing! And what have you got against these two? They lost a battle, right? Well, doesn't that make them prisoners of war? ALGERNON: Rebels are not treated as prisoners of war. Right, Sergeant, prepare to hang them. SERGEANT: Sir! Take him out. (The soldiers grab THE DOCTOR.) THE DOCTOR: Didn't I tell you I was... (The SERGEANT turns to BEN.) SERGEANT: And you. BEN: But we haven't done anything! SERGEANT: And you. (JAMIE points to COLIN, the Laird.) JAMIE: But he can't walk! SERGEANT: Drag him! [SCENE_BREAK] 10. EXT. A SUPPLY WAGON BEHIND BRITISH LINES (SOLICITOR GREY, sitting on the high seat of the wagon, peers through his spy glass at the battle. Lowering the spy glass he calls to his secretary, PERKINS, who is preparing lunch.) GREY: Perkins. Perkins! PERKINS: Yes, sir. GREY: Not a very inspiring battle, would you say, Perkins? PERKINS: Don't really know, sir. I've never seen one before. GREY: This one was over in a brief hour. Never have I seen such brave fellows so poorly led. And now, Cumberland's troops are butchering the wounded. It's such a waste of manpower. A little wine, Perkins? PERKINS: Oh yes, sir. (He begins to poor a glass of wine for GREY.) PERKINS: Quite ready for it, I am, sir. This sharp northern air, sir, gives one quite an appetite. (Two soldiers drag a wounded Highlander past. GREY sits down on an upturned crate, holding his wine up to examine it.) GREY: Ah, all these fine sturdy Highlanders. Used to hard work and little food. Think what a price they'd fetch in Jamaica or Barbados, Perkins. PERKINS: A pretty penny, no doubt, sir. No doubt at all. GREY: Indeed. And I'll have them, Perkins. I did not give up a thriving legal practise just for the honour of serving King George as his Commissioner of Prisons. (PERKINS hands GREY a plate of meat, cheese, onions and bread.) PERKINS: I thought there was more behind it, sir. GREY: With Mr. Trask and his ship at our service, we may expect to clear some measure of profit out of this rebellion, eh Perkins? PERKINS: Yes, sir. GREY: Depending, of course, on how many of the wretched rebels we can deliver from his Majesty's over zealous soldiers. (He takes a mouthful of wine, gags and spits it into PERKINS face.) GREY: The wine was corked. If you wish to remain in my service, you will have to be more careful. Won't you Perkins? PERKINS: Yes, sir. My apologies, sir. It won't happen again, sir. GREY: I think we best be about our business. Otherwise there'll be nothing but corpses left on the battlefield. And corpses are of little use to us, eh Perkins? PERKINS: Yes, sir. Wagon, sir? GREY: No, I think not. I've had enough for one day. Come, Perkins, we'll walk. PERKINS: Yes, sir. (GREY begins to move off. PERKINS raises the wine to the light, unable to see anything wrong with it. He takes a swig from the bottle.) GREY: Perkins PERKINS: Yes, sir? GREY: Perkins! [SCENE_BREAK] 11. EXT. NEAR THE COTTAGE (POLLY and KIRSTY are making their way back from a stream with some water.) KIRSTY: Down! (KIRSTY pushes POLLY to the ground.) POLLY: Oh, you've spilt the water! (They look at the activity outside the cottage.) POLLY: Who are those men? KIRSTY: Don't pretend you can't recognise English Redcoats when you see them. Even at this distance. POLLY: English? Well, that's all right then, we're safe. (She begins to get up.) KIRSTY: Do you want to get us both killed? Tortured? Look, they're going to hang our men. (POLLY looks through the spy glass.) POLLY: You're right. It's horrible. They've got to be stopped. KIRSTY: How? POLLY: Well, there must be something we can do! KIRSTY: We can but mourn. (KIRSTY begins to cry.) POLLY: Crying's no good. Have you still got breath to run. Come on. We're going to create a diversion. [SCENE_BREAK] 12. EXT. THE COTTAGE (The Redcoats are busy preparing the ropes for the hanging. A stone falls just short of them.) ALGERNON: What was that? (The SERGEANT points up the hill.) SERGEANT: Look, sir, over there, on that hill. (POLLY and KIRSTY are on the hill.) ALGERNON: Looks like a wench. Stab me, there's another one. SERGEANT: Yeah, puts me in mind of what Sergeant King of the Dragoons said, sir. ALGERNON: What? SERGEANT: Well, the Dragoons have got orders to stop every woman. Not that they need them, mind. ALGERNON: Get to the point, Sergeant. SERGEANT: Well, they've heard that the Prince is trying to escape disguised as a woman. Shall I go after them, sir? ALGERNON: No, I'll go. You two men, come with me. (ALGERNON walks off leaving an exasperated and frustrated SERGEANT.) SERGEANT: Yeah, but I... [SCENE_BREAK] 13. EXT. THE HILL (POLLY looks down at ALGERNON FFINCH and the two Redcoats as they approach.) POLLY: This is our chance. The officer's coming after us. They can't hang them with the officer away. Let's go. KIRSTY: It'll do no good. POLLY: Besides which, you must know this place better than they do. KIRSTY: There's a high track. POLLY: And we're younger than they are. They'll never catch us. Come on. (KIRSTY picks up the water bottle.) KIRSTY: But, look... POLLY: Leave that. (The two women run off up the hill.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. EXT. THE COTTAGE (The SERGEANT looks at the Lieutenant and the two soldiers as they make their way up the hill. THE DOCTOR leans over and taunts him.) THE DOCTOR: What a great devotion to duty, your Lieutenant shows, Sergeant. SERGEANT: Devotion to duty. (He spits on the ground.) SERGEANT: Devotion to thirty thousand pound reward, that's all. THE DOCTOR: You think he will catch them? SERGEANT: That young whelp? Couldn't catch his own grandmother. (The troops start to laugh, but stop when the SERGEANT gives them a fierce glare.) THE DOCTOR: Disrespect to your superior officer, Sergeant? I could report you. SERGEANT: You could, but you won't. THE DOCTOR: Ah, but at a price, Sergeant. SERGEANT: You won't, cause you won't be here when he gets back. (He turns back to the soldiers.) SERGEANT: All right you scum, proceed with the hanging. BEN: Well, you can't hang us with the officer away. SERGEANT: Why do you think he went away? Got a delicate stomach, he has. Always leaves the dirty stuff to me. Right! Get them up! (The Soldiers move into position and begin to pull the ropes taut.) BEN: Yeah. SERGEANT: Take the strain! Stand by! (A drum rolls, as THE DOCTOR, BEN, JAMIE and COLIN stand on their tiptoes, ropes around their necks. Suddenly GREY strides around the corner of the cottage, followed by PERKINS.) GREY: Halt! SERGEANT: What do you want? GREY: One moment! SERGEANT: Who the devil are you? GREY: Perkins. PERKINS: Solicitor Grey, Lincolns Inn Fields. His Majesty's Commissioner for the disposal of rebel prisoners. (The SERGEANT takes the commission from PERKINS. He holds it upside down, obviously unable to read. GREY looks at BEN.) GREY: There's a fine sturdy young man. (He turns to the soldiers.) GREY: Take the nooses off them. Set that young man down. PERKINS: Sit him down. SERGEANT: I don't care who you are, you've got no charge over my men! GREY: Can you not read, Sergeant. I have charge over all rebel prisoners. PERKINS: Of course he has! Appointed by the Chief Justice of England. All prisoners. SERGEANT: Not these! (GREY turns to PERKINS.) GREY: Perkins. (PERKINS fumbles in his pocket.) GREY: The other pocket, I think. (PERKINS removes some silver coins from his other pocket, while GREY turns his attention back to the SERGEANT.) GREY: I admit your prior claim, Sergeant, but I think you are a reasonable man. (PERKINS counts out the coins.) GREY: Continue, Perkins. (PERKINS looks doubtful.) GREY: Continue, I said! Of course, I regret any inconvenience encountered by yourself and these fine fellows of yours. SERGEANT: All right, you heard what the Commissioner said. Nooses off. Get him down. (The Redcoats remove the noose from BEN's neck and release him.) BEN: Oh, thanks, sir. GREY: A trifle, I assure you. Strong ruffians like you, and this other young rebel here, are needed in his Majesty's service. THE DOCTOR: Ah, yes. (GREY looks at COLIN and THE DOCTOR.) GREY: You can dispatch this one, Sergeant, and this strange looking scoundrel. THE DOCTOR: Article Seventeen, Aliens Act, 1730. GREY: What? THE DOCTOR: You are gentlemen of the law? PERKINS: How dare you speak to Mr. Grey like that! GREY: I am a lawyer, yes. THE DOCTOR: Then you are doubtless familiar with Article Seventeen. You cannot hang a citizen of a foreign power, without first informing his ambassador. (PERKINS raises his tatty grey wig and scratches his scalp in puzzlement.) PERKINS: Article Seventeen, Aliens Act? (GREY turns to the SERGEANT.) GREY: Who is this extraordinary rogue? SERGEANT: He says he's a frog doctor, sir. THE DOCTOR: German. And I know more about the English law than you do, it seems. SERGEANT: I'm the only law what matters to you right now, matey. And if this gentleman don't want you, you hang. GREY: No, wait. You show a touching faith in his Majesty's justice, sir. A doctor, eh? We need doctors where you're going. Send him along with the other prisoners, to Inverness. JAMIE: The Laird goes too, or you can hang me with him. I'll not go with ye. COLIN: No, go Jamie, go. SERGEANT: We'll see about that! GREY: Sergeant! What do you think, Doctor, can this man be healed of his wound? THE DOCTOR: With proper care, yes! (GREY laughs.) GREY: Whether he'll get that where he is going is very doubtful. But I'll leave him in your care. Take him away, Sergeant. SERGEANT: Sir! You men escort these gentlemen and these prisoners to Inverness. I'll wait here for the Lieutenant. Come on out. Get him down. THE DOCTOR: What will happen to us? GREY: First you go to Inverness, and then perhaps a sea voyage. SERGEANT: Do you good, rogue. Come on. (The Redcoats lead the four prisoners off.) GREY: Just in time, Perkins. Just in time. [SCENE_BREAK] 15. A CAVE (POLLY and KIRSTY are in front of a small cave mouth.) KIRSTY: This is the cave. They'll not find us here. (KIRSTY enters, followed by POLLY.) POLLY: You don't live here, do you? KIRSTY: Oh no. The family use it as a... as a hide out after a... a cattle raid. POLLY: A cattle raid? You mean you rob people? KIRSTY: No! We only take from those who steal from us. POLLY: Oh, it's dark. KIRSTY: Ah, there we are. POLLY: That's a funny kind of match. KIRSTY: What? POLLY: Match. Oh, it doesn't matter. (KIRSTY walks over to a small chest.) KIRSTY: Now, we keep a supply of food here. (She opens it and takes out a biscuit, distressed that this is all the food.) KIRSTY: Oh, there's only one wheat biscuit. (POLLY looks suspiciously at the unappetising biscuit.) POLLY: When was it left here? KIRSTY: Well about three months ago. (KIRSTY offers the biscuit to POLLY.) POLLY: Oh, it's a dog biscuit. KIRSTY: Biscuits are not baked for dogs. But please do begin. POLLY: Oh, um, no. No, you start. I don't want to lose all my fillings. (KIRSTY gives POLLY a puzzled look.) POLLY: Teeth. Doesn't matter. You start. I'm not hungry, really. (POLLY begins to pace the cave.) POLLY: Got to make a plan. We saw them being marched away. Now, where would they be taking them? KIRSTY: Inverness gaol. (KIRSTY breaks down in tears.) POLLY: Oh look, don't start crying again. If they've taken them to gaol, then we've got to get them out. Have you got any money? KIRSTY: But, what would we need money... POLLY: Well, for food, of course. That biscuit isn't going to last very long. And for bribing guards with. What have we got we can sell. (She removes her bracelet.) POLLY: This won't fetch much, but at least its a start. KIRSTY: Why should you help us? You're English! POLLY: They've got my friends too, remember? Yes, and I must get some proper clothes. KIRSTY: Aye, why do you wear the short skirts of a bairn? You're a grown woman. POLLY: Well, it would take too long to explain. (Suddenly she notices a ring on KIRSTY's finger.) POLLY: Hey, that ring, it's gold! (KIRSTY covers the ring with her other hand and turns away.) POLLY: Look, you've got to trust me. KIRSTY: It doesn't belong to me. It's my father's. POLLY: Well, let me just look at it. Come on, now. I just want to look at it, that's all. (KIRSTY turns around and reluctantly holds out her hand.) POLLY: It's beautiful. Mmm, we should get a lot for that. (KIRSTY snatches her hand back.) KIRSTY: We're not going to sell it! POLLY: Not even to save your father's life? KIRSTY: He wouldn't thank me. POLLY: Ah, you're hopeless. Why not, for goodness sake? KIRSTY: He entrusted it to me before the battle. He would kill me if he... if I ever parted with it. POLLY: I don't understand you people. (She holds out her hand.) POLLY: Come on, give it to me. KIRSTY: No. (KIRSTY scrambles away.) POLLY: Look, give it to me! It's... (KIRSTY grabs her knife and holds it up to POLLY.) POLLY: Please yourself! You're just a stupid peasant. I'm off to help my friends. You can stay here and guard your precious ring. (KIRSTY is suddenly anxious at the thought of POLLY leaving.) KIRSTY: Look, mind your step. It'll be dark soon. POLLY: Watch out for yourself. KIRSTY: You'll get lost. [SCENE_BREAK] 16. EXT. THE MOOR (NIGHT) (Polly walks across the darkened moor in what she hopes is the direction of the cottage. Unnerved by the eerie sounds of the night, she considers back tracking to the cave. She begins to panic, sure that she is being stalked. Suddenly the ground gives way...) POLLY: Ahh! (...and she tumbles into a pit. Realising that she has fallen into an animal trap about ten feet deep, she attempts to scramble out. Looking up at the edge of the pit, she sees a hand clutching a dagger.) POLLY: Ahh!

The Doctor, Polly and Ben arrive in 1746, in the aftermath of the Battle of Culloden, and are captured by a group of Highlanders shortly before they themselves are captured by redcoats.

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The Seeds of Death By Brian Hayles and Terrance Dicks 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, INT: WEATHER-CONTROL (The warrior approaches the panels Zoe and Jamie are hiding behind, then stops as there is a pounding sound from down the corridor.) DOCTOR OOV: Zoe! Jamie! Let me in! (The creature strides away towards the source of the sound.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2, EXT: WEATHER-CONTROL GROUNDS DOCTOR: Zoe, Jamie Zoe! Ohh! (He moves out of the doorway as another vapour pustule attempts to spray it's deadly load into his face, then fans the spores away with his handkerchief. He sees a wave of sludge gushing towards him.) DOCTOR: Oh no! (He tries to move back into the doorway, but loses his footing and falls head-first into the soup. The Martian fungus has won. Moments later, the victory is snatched from the fungus as a figure resembling a curious parody of a snowman bursts through the surface of the clinging goo. Covered from head to toe in the slimy fungus the Doctor continues to desperately rap on the door.) DOCTOR: Ohh! Zoe! [SCENE_BREAK] 3, INT: CORRIDOR (The Ice-Warrior strides down the corridor.) DOCTOR OOV: Let me in! Zoe, Jamie! [SCENE_BREAK] 4, EXT: WEATHER-CONTROL GROUNDS DOCTOR: Are you in there.?! Jamie! [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: CORRIDOR (The warrior continues to lumber down the corridor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6, EXT: WEATHER-CONTROL GROUNDS DOCTOR: Jamie open the door! [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: CORRIDOR (Jamie and Zoe have been following the warrior. As it moves towards the door Jamie motions to Zoe to open the door while he leads the warrior off. He edges close to it, then jumps out.) JAMIE: Gahhh! (He waves his arms at the warrior for a moment, then runs down the corridor. The warrior fires at the fleeing target, but it is too slow. It begins to pursue Jamie down the corridor. Zoe rushes up to the door) [SCENE_BREAK] 8, EXT: WEATHER-CONTROL GROUNDS (The fungus is still at neck-height and a blob seems to have attached itself to the top of his head.) DOCTOR: Zoe, Jamie, if you're there let me in! (He notices a mammoth pustule begin to expand right next to his face.) DOCTOR: O-hoh no! (He covers his mouth with his handkerchief and his eyes open wide in horror.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: CORRIDOR (Zoe rushes down the corridor.) DOCTOR OOV: Jamie, Zoe open this door! Jamie? Zoe? [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: WEATHER-CONTROL GROUNDS (The Doctor presses the handkerchief firmly to his mouth and stares in horror at the expanding fungal mass.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11, INT: CORRIDOR (Zoe rushes down the corridor and tugs at the door, but it seems to have stuck.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: WEATHER-CONTROL GROUNDS (The Doctor is captivated by the advance of the horrifying vegetable and it's deadly pustule which is half the size of the Doctor and still growing...) [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: CORRIDOR (Zoe manages to wrestle the door open at last, and in gushes a tidal-wave of Martian fungus which spills down all over the floor like a giant congealing sneeze. In the middle of the gloop is a soggy, bedraggled, but alive Doctor. He springs to his feet and rushes to help Zoe slide the metal door closed again, stemming the tide of the battle for the moment.) DOCTOR: Oh! Oh-oh! Oooh-oh! Oh my word! (Zoe leads him away from the door.) DOCTOR: Oh-what? Oh. (They round a corner.) DOCTOR: Oh my word, oh that was a dangerous situation! Oh-oh! ZOE: Oh, it still is Doctor. There's an Ice-Warrior in the building! DOCTOR: What, wha-what about Jamie? ZOE: Oh well he drew the warrior off so that I could let you in! DOCTOR: Oh no, we must help him! ZOE: Oh no Doctor, this way! DOCTOR: What? [SCENE_BREAK] 14, INT: WEATHER-CONTROL (Jamie skids back into the control room, the hissing breath alerting him to the fact that the warrior is still close behind. He looks for somewhere to hide, but the warrior was caught up with him. Jamie ducks forward to escape a sonic blast, then runs around a metal support girder, momentarily confusing the beast. He rushes across the room and through a metal door, pulling it closed and locking it behind him. He runs across the catwalk just as the warrior fires it's weapon at the door causing the metal to warp and wobble...) [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: CORRIDOR (Jamie skids to a halt as he almost collides with a still slimy Doctor and Zoe rushing towards the control room.) JAMIE: Doctor! DOCTOR: Jamie! ZOE: Oh Jamie where's the Ice-Warrior? JAMIE: Oh well, I-I locked him in the room that we were trapped in. (They all listen for a moment, and they hear the whine of a sonic gun nearby.) DOCTOR: I don't think he's stayed in there Jamie, come on! (They all begin to rush the way Jamie was heading, and rounding a corner they come across a door with a sign above reading "SOLAR ENERGY ROOM". Jamie heads towards it.) ZOE: Oh look, we could hide in here. JAMIE: We'd just be trapped again! (The Doctor reads the sign on the door with interest.) DOCTOR: No Jamie, I think this is just the place, come on! (They all enter, closing the door behind them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16, INT: SOLAR-ENERGY ROOM (The Doctor looks around.) DOCTOR: Solar energy room - that means that's a radiation door. Now if I can just find the control, it must be here somewhere... ZOE: Oh Doctor hurry! JAMIE: Oh what do you mean? DOCTOR: Now just a minute... (The Doctor moves to a panel and examines what he has to work with.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17, INT: CORRIDOR (The Ice-Warrior trudges down the corridor looking all around for it's elusive prey.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18, INT: SOLAR-ENERGY ROOM JAMIE: Aye, is that the one? (Jamie throws a switch and the room plunges into darkness.) DOCTOR: No Jamie! (The Doctor turns the switch back illuminating the room again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19, INT: CORRIDOR (The warrior continues it's march, and seeing light flick on and off, it moves towards the solar energy room...) [SCENE_BREAK] 20, INT: SOLAR-ENERGY ROOM DOCTOR: It must be one of these. ZOE: Oh hurry Doctor! DOCTOR: Ah, there we are, it's got "SHUT" on it! (The Doctor thumps the switch and the door hums closed just as the warrior lopes into view.) ZOE: Oh! (The Doctor pulls Jamie and Zoe away from the door just in case the creature fires through the closing gap.) DOCTOR: Get back! (The door shuts.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21, INT: CORRIDOR (The Ice-Warrior aims it's sonic disruptor at the door and looses off a volley of deadly soundwaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22, INT: SOLAR-ENERGY ROOM (They watch from the other side of the metal door as it wobbles like jelly under the onslaught.) JAMIE: It's trying to blast it's way in! DOCTOR: Well it should hold for a little while Jamie. ZOE: Well what do we do now? DOCTOR: Well, Commander Radnor's sending some security guards... JAMIE: Oh, a lot of good they'll do against an Ice-Warrior! ZOE: Solar energy! DOCTOR: What? ZOE: When we were on the moon Phipps made a trap. DOCTOR: Solar energy reflectors, of course! Well we ought to be able to rig something up here. JAMIE: Aye, well you'd better be quick about it, look that shield-thing won't hold up much longer! (The Doctor sets to work.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23, INT: WEATHER-CONTROL GROUNDS (A squad of oxygen-masked, armed security guards hose their way through the fungus with water tanks.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24, INT: CORRIDOR (The Ice-Warrior stops firing for a moment, as if shocked that the door hasn't given way yet. There is a deep wound in the metal surface of the door, a crater scorched black from the intense sonic energy. With renewed determination the warrior begins to blast away at the warped door again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25, INT: WEATHER-CONTROL GROUNDS (The guards manage to hose their way to the heavy metal door to the Weather-Control Bureau, and in moments they have it open and are through.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26, INT: CORRIDOR (The guards rush along the corridor, round a corner and come face to face with the hissing warrior. Several shots are fired, but they rebound harmlessly off the toughened shell-like carapace. The Ice-Warrior calmly guns two of the guards down, and as the other four run away, the creature gives chase.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27, INT: SOLAR-ENERGY ROOM (The Doctor has rigged up two round tin reflectors each with a solar lamp in the centre, and linked to a wire being fed straight from the solar-energy socket.) DOCTOR: Is this the sort of thing that Phipps rigged up Zoe? ZOE: Well, sort of. It's not quite the same - his was bigger. DOCTOR: I think you'll find that this will be better for... (There is a sound of conventional gunfire from the other side of the door.) JAMIE: They're still shooting out there, they don't stand a chance Doctor. ZOE: Are you nearly ready Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, yes, open the door. JAMIE: Are you sure that thing works now? DOCTOR: Well the only way to find out is to try Jamie, now open the door! (Jamie and Zoe stand either side of the door as Jamie presses the control to open it. The scarred door hums open and the Doctor holds up the lamps, then lowers them as he sees nothing there.) DOCTOR: He's gone. JAMIE: Must be chasing after those guards. (The Doctor looks disappointed.) DOCTOR: Another moment and we could have destroyed him! (The Doctor casts a glance back into the room.) DOCTOR: There's some more H-D cable there. JAMIE: Eh? DOCTOR: You reel it out and I'll make the connections. JAMIE: What, this? DOCTOR: Yes, yes that's it Jamie, now hurry up... (Jamie and Zoe set to work unreeling the miles of cable stored in the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28, INT: CORRIDOR (Not too far away two guards stand firing as four more fall back to a position around a corner. The two guard that were firing seem to have learn their lesson, and as the hissing Martian approaches they also fall back. The guards rush out of the doorway into the gardens.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29, INT: WEATHER-CONTROL GROUNDS (The Ice-Warrior follows the guards as the move out through the path they cut in the sludge when they arrived. A single guard remains, he determinedly aims his gun at the head of the invader and fires two shots. Twice the warrior reels as the bullets ricochet from it's crusty helmet, then it raises it's own weapon. The guard swirls under the full force of a far superior weapon to his own, falling lifelessly to the ground, the fungal mass swallowing him up greedily.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30, INT: SOLAR-ENERGY ROOM DOCTOR: Zoe, stand by to throw the switch. Jamie, you pull out the cable. JAMIE: Right. [SCENE_BREAK] 31, INT: CORRIDOR (The Doctor exits the room, holding the solar energy reflectors out in front of him as if they were two crucifixes and as he walks Jamie feeds him extra cable. He gingerly turns a corner looking around all the while, back and front, and turning a corner he hears a hissing sound. The Ice-Warrior has decided not to pursue the retreating guards, and has returned to finish it's job on the people in the solar energy room. Turning a corner, it runs straight into the Doctor.) DOCTOR: NOW Zoe! [SCENE_BREAK] 32, INT: SOLAR-ENERGY ROOM (Zoe throws the solar power switch.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33, INT: CORRIDOR (The lamps burst into a blaze of intense white ultraviolet radiation causing the unfortunate Martian to contort in agony as it dissolves into another sticky green puddle.) DOCTOR: Alright Zoe! (As the lamps blink off he breathes a heavy sigh of relief.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34, INT: EARTH-CONTROL COMPUTER: NO INFORMATION YET AVAILABLE FROM THE WEATHER-CONTROL BUREAU. RADNOR: Oh no! I'd better get over there. (There is a whistle from a nearby video-screen.) DOCTOR: T-Mat control? Commander Radnor. RADNOR: Doctor! DOCTOR: Ah, this is the Doctor. RADNOR: Doctor, are you alright? What's happening over there? DOCTOR: Yes, well we've had quite a battle here, but ah, things are alright now. Er, there was a warrior here, but we've dealt with him. RADNOR: Excellent! Is there much damage? DOCTOR: Well yes, I'm afraid so. I'm going to see how much now. How are you getting along with the signal in the satellite? RADNOR: Er, Professor Eldred and Miss Kelly are coping with it now. DOCTOR: Oh good. I'll be back as soon as I can. (The screen plips to black.) RADNOR: How's it going? (Kelly looks up from the pile of circuitry that makes up the guts of a complex space-aerial. Beside is an oscilloscope which is monitoring the signature of the pulse rate precisely.) KELLY: We're ready to test. RADNOR: Play back recording of homing beam. (The computer plays a looped selection from the signal on the video of moon-control.) KELLY: Now, that's the Ice-Warriors' homing beam. Let's see if I can produce that exactly. (The satellite begins chirruping in a completely different to the Ice-Warrior signal.) RADNOR: Oh can't you get any better than that? KELLY: I shall, don't worry! (She fiddles about within the space-aerial with a screwdriver.) ELDRED: That's it. KELLY: I'll lock it to that frequency. ELDRED: Just one thing Miss Kelly. Now that you've perfected this thing, how do you propose getting it to the launching pad without T-Mat? KELLY: It just so happens I found a petrol car in a motor museum. ELDRED: Really, what make? KELLY: I've no idea, but it's got four wheels and it goes. Get this to the vehicle immediately. (A technician takes the space-aerial guts away.) ELDRED: Will a car be able to get through the foam? RADNOR: Yes, I've arranged for a route to be cleared by hosing the foam. ELDRED: Good, good. RADNOR: But the only way we'll ever get rid of it permanently is by rain - lots of rain! [SCENE_BREAK] 35, INT: WEATHER-CONTROL (The Doctor is crouched under the weather control console.) JAMIE: It's hopeless Doctor, you'll never get that thing going again! DOCTOR: I'm not so sure Jamie, after all it's only the controls that are damaged, the-the workings are alright - if we can bypass the controls. Oh...oh. You got ya knife on you? JAMIE: Eh? Aye... DOCTOR: Oh, lend it me would you? JAMIE: Be careful with this. DOCTOR: That's it, thank you. There we are! (He tugs a spaghetti-tangle of wires from the inner workings of the machine.) DOCTOR: Now what've we got here? Oh yes! (The Doctor sits on the floor, a drowning man amidst a sea of wires.) DOCTOR: Yes-yes-yes! Yes, well it's just a...just a case of sorting this lot out that's all... [SCENE_BREAK] 36, INT: MOON-CONTROL (The Grand-Marshall's jewelled helmet stares out from the screen on the Martian communications device.) GRAND-MARSHALL: You should not have killed him! Who will operate T-Mat? SLAAR: I have studied the controls. GRAND-MARSHALL: What if the apparatus breaks down? SLAAR: I shall send warriors to Earth to bring back technicians. GRAND-MARSHALL: Soon all the humans on Earth will be extinct! SLAAR: It will take time for fungus to remove the oxygen from atmosphere. GRAND-MARSHALL: You must use that time to obtain another human, and do not kill him! SLAAR: No Grand-Marshall. GRAND-MARSHALL: You will be prepared to activate the homing beam on our signal? SLAAR: All is prepared Grand-Marshall. (The screen fades to darkness and Slaar strides away, pausing beside a warrior for a moment.) SLAAR: I shall return to our ship to finalise invasion plans. (He leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 37, INT: WEATHER-CONTROL DOCTOR: Right, now then Zoe, lets see what happens when we try to connect these two together huh? (He gingerly holds out two pieces of stripped, insulated wire and touches the ends together; as they meet there is a fiery crackle of solar energy and a puff of smoke.) DOCTOR: Whup! No I don't think so somehow. Now what about these two? (He touches two new wires together and there is no reaction. He pushes the exposed filaments into one-another and gives them a firm twist.) DOCTOR: I...I think I've succeeded in...in-in re-establishing one of these rain circuits Jamie. JAMIE: Not raining yet. DOCTOR: Oh Jamie, weather control is a... is a very difficult technology, you can't expect immediate results! ZOE: Are you sure that you are doing it right Doctor? DOCTOR: Well I hope so Zoe. Just have to hope for the best that's all. Must get on because there's another little job that I want to do... JAMIE: Have you not got enough to do already? ZOE: Well what else is there? DOCTOR: Well I want to make some alterations to my solar energy device. (He glances at the two reflector tins with their solar lamps which are lying to one side.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38, INT: EARTH-CONTROL (Radnor, Kelly and Eldred watch a video-screen as a solitary rocket sits on a launchpad.) TECHNICIAN OOV: Lift off in five seconds from now. Five... Four... Three... Two... One... Zero. (The rocket on the screen rises into the air with a blast of booster fuel. The Doctor enters the room. He is accompanied by his two young companions Jamie and Zoe, and swathed head to toe in a cheeky little wire-tangle number with optional hand-held solar reflectors. A large square solar battery (with a dinky-rotating aerial) slung across his shoulder completes the ensemble making it one outfit for Martians to simply die for.) DOCTOR: With luck Zoe, we shall be having some nice heavy rain before long. (The Doctor glances at the screen.) DOCTOR: Ah, there we are. KELLY: Yes, the satellite. ELDRED: Isn't that a beautiful sight? KELLY: We've finished and installed the homing device, it's working perfectly. DOCTOR: Well done. KELLY: Doctor..? DOCTOR: Yes Miss Kelly? KELLY: I know we're sending up a false signal, but aren't some of the Martian ships bound to follow the right one? DOCTOR: Well there isn't going to be a right one; there's only going to be ours - the wrong one. And that's going to lead the entire Martian fleet in an orbit around the sun. ZOE: But what about Slaar's signal? DOCTOR: Oh obviously that has to be stopped. ELDRED: But how? DOCTOR: Well as soon as the satellite has stopped I shall T-Mat myself to the moon and destroy their homing device. KELLY: They'll kill you on sight! DOCTOR: Oh I don't think so, I-I rigged up a-a rather interesting little device here. (He brandishes the solar reflectors.) KELLY: What's it for? DOCTOR: Well it's a development of the solar energy device which you so successfully used on the moon. Only I've succeeded in rendering it portable. I've er, got a solar battery. [SCENE_BREAK] 39, MODEL SHOT: SPACE (The squat, angular, aerial-encrusted body of the satellite tumbles over and over in space in exactly the way a discarded tuna can doesn't.) [SCENE_BREAK] 40, INT: EARTH-CONTROL DOCTOR: There, Jamie. RADNOR: Well there it is, it's in orbit. KELLY: We're now picking up the alien's homing signal from the moon. DOCTOR: Well that means that their-their invasion fleet is getting closer. There's not time to be lost. Now are you quite clear? As soon as I have finished destroying their signal we must activate our signal in the satellite. RADNOR: Oh we'll be ready. DOCTOR: Right, then I'll be off. ZOE: Oh Doctor! DOCTOR: Yes, what? ZOE: You will be careful won't you? DOCTOR: Don't worry Zoe, I will. Are you ready Miss Kelly? KELLY: But Doctor, our control of T-Mat hasn't been tested! DOCTOR: Then now is the time to test it! (He enters a nearby cubicle and vanishes as Kelly operates the controls.) [SCENE_BREAK] 41, INT: MOON-CONTROL (The Doctor arrives in an identical cubicle on the moon, and steps out. He notices the communications device, and a warrior who is standing guard with it's back turned. Slowly the Martian turns and raises it's weapon, but the Doctor is quicker, and bathes the warrior in a blast of solar power from his tin reflectors. The warrior falls to the ground and liquefies. The Doctor moves to the communications device and tinkers for a few minutes. Suddenly he hears a hissing breath, before he can move Slaar and an Ice-Warrior enter the room. The warrior raises it's weapon.) SLAAR: No! (He turns to the Doctor.) SLAAR: You, over there. (The Doctor moves away from the communications device.) SLAAR: I ordered you to be destroyed! DOCTOR: Well you weren't very successful were you? SLAAR: Destroy that weapon. (The warrior fires it's sonic disruptor at the solar reflectors.) SLAAR: What is your purpose in coming here? DOCTOR: Well you don't expect me to tell you that, do you? (Slaar examines the communications device.) SLAAR: The directional beam is still operative. DOCTOR: Yes. I'm afraid you were a little too quick for me. SLAAR: Are you capable of operating the T-Mat mechanism? DOCTOR: Oh no, I don't think that I coul... (Slaar gestures to the warrior who raises it's weapon to cover the Doctor again.) DOCTOR: Well...well, yes perhaps I could get the hang of it. SLAAR: As long as you can be useful to us you can live, but this time there will be no escape! You will familiarise yourself with the T-Mat controls. DOCTOR: Oh, thank you very much. (The Doctor sits at the console and stretches like a piano player about to give a recital, then moves to tinker with the controls.) SLAAR: You will not touch the controls until I give the order! [SCENE_BREAK] 42, MODEL SHOT: SPACE (The satellite continues to orbit the Earth broadcasting it's dummy signal.) [SCENE_BREAK] 43, INT: EARTH-CONTROL KELLY: It's operating perfectly. RADNOR: Good! ELDRED: But shouldn't we have waited 'til the Doctor got back? RADNOR: The moon signal has disappeared hasn't it? ELDRED: It may be purely atmospheric. For all we know they could be transmitting as strong as ever! ZOE: The moon signal was strong enough before the Doctor left. He must have succeeded. JAMIE: Then why hasn't he come back? [SCENE_BREAK] 44, MODEL SHOT: SPACE (The satellite continues to confound the Martians as it orbits.) [SCENE_BREAK] 45, INT: MOON-CONTROL (The Grand-Marshall address Slaar over the communications device.) GRAND-MARSHALL: We are receiving your homing signal clearly, soon we shall be entering the gravitational field of the moon. SLAAR: All is prepared Grand-Marshall. I have obtained the services of another human. He will T-Mat our warriors to Earth. GRAND-MARSHALL: Good! I shall resume transmission when landing is imminent. (He ends transmission, and Slaar turns to the Doctor.) SLAAR: When our warriors arrive you will transmit them to Earth under my direction. DOCTOR: Yes, but they haven't arrived yet have they? Something might still go wrong you know. SLAAR: Nothing can go wrong now! DOCTOR: Well there's many a slip 'twixt cup and the lip. SLAAR: If anything does go wrong you will be the first to die! [SCENE_BREAK] 46, INT: EARTH-CONTROL (An image on a radar-scope shows the progress of the Martian as it approaches the moon.) RADNOR: Scan closer! KELLY: If they are going to divert if should happen any moment now. (They all watch the screen in nervous anticipation.) ZOE: Look, they're changing course! RADNOR: I think you're right! ELDRED: Yes, they're all following the satellite signal! RADNOR: Then the Doctor must have succeeded, he must have turned off the Martian signal! JAMIE: Oh, what's happening up there then? Why hasn't he come back? RADNOR: Don't worry Jamie, a squad of security guards armed with flamethrowers is on their way now. As soon as they get here we'll be able to T-Mat them to the moon. JAMIE: Oh they'll be too late! RADNOR: You'll just have to be patient! JAMIE: Oh och, I'm sick of being patient! (Jamie takes Zoe to one side for a moment.) JAMIE: Zoe, that er, T-Mat thing...do you know how it works? ZOE: I think so, why? JAMIE: Could you T-Mat me back to the moon? ZOE: Oh now Jamie, surely... JAMIE: Look, either the Doctor's all right in which case we have no need to worry, or he's in danger and he needs my help. [SCENE_BREAK] 47, INT: MOON-CONTROL GRAND-MARSHALL: Slaar! We are bouncing between the Earth and the moon! The signal has not led us into the moon's gravitational field! (Slaar's hissing increases tempo as he becomes agitated.) SLAAR: Have you lost my signal? GRAND-MARSHALL: Your signal is being received clearly, but we are off course. SLAAR: Are you sure your calculations are correct? GRAND-MARSHALL: Our calculations have been checked, you have sent us into an orbit close to the sun! SLAAR: Use your retro-active rockets to change course! GRAND-MARSHALL: It is too late, there is insufficient fuel for manouevre. You have failed us Slaar! We shall all die! We are being drawn into the orbit of the sun! SLAAR: This is impossible! The signal... (He examines the communications device.) SLAAR: There is no power. (And turning to the only possible cause for the error...) SLAAR: You did this! DOCTOR: Yes. (He stands up and stares the Ice-Lord calmly in the face.) DOCTOR: That signal has been going no further than this control room. SLAAR: But they were receiving my signal! DOCTOR: Not your signal, ours. SLAAR: You sent a signal? From Earth? DOCTOR: We sent up a satellite. That signal has sent your fleet into a false orbit! SLAAR: The heat of the sun will kill them! You have destroyed our entire fleet! DOCTOR: You tried to destroy an entire world. SLAAR: Earth will still die, the fungus will take the oxygen from your atmosphere! (The Doctor smiles.) DOCTOR: No, I'm afraid that you've failed there too. We can destroy the fungus. (Slaar stumbles backwards, and reels against the communications device in shock.) SLAAR: Kill him! (As the warrior moves to obey there is a voice from a cubicle in the corner.) JAMIE: Doctor! DOCTOR: Jamie, look out! (The Doctor leaps into action like a turbocharged superhero. Climbing the chair, he is over the control console in two seconds flat, gunning himself into the warrior behind and tugging at it's weapon-arm. The sonic burst goes wide finding a quite different mark to the one intended. With a lethal bubbling of air the Ice-Lord Slaar is caught by his own warrior's weapon, his insides liquefying even faster than his countless human victims. He slides to the floor like a wet sack. Jamie runs from his cubicle towards the Ice-Warrior yelling.) JAMIE: Creag an tuire! (The Doctor scurries up from behind the console and thrusts the end of a wire into Jamie's hand.) DOCTOR: Jamie, a live terminal! (Before the confused Ice-Warrior can react, both Jamie and the Doctor press a plug either side of the warrior causing the solar energy to lance through it's form steaming it in it's shell like a large green lobster.) DOCTOR: Oh down Jamie! (Jamie throws his plug away and leaps to one side as the warrior collapses.) DOCTOR: Oh goodness me! Jamie, ah, (Jamie nods at the Doctor.) DOCTOR: Thank you very much. We must T-Mat ourselves back to Earth... [SCENE_BREAK] 48, STOCK SHOT: RAINSTORM (Lightning flashes and thunder rumbles as dark clouds loom overhead watering the landmasses of the world. As the rain falls the slime and sludge that has been overrunning the gardens and fields shrivels and dies, then dissolves down leaving no trace that it had ever been there.) COMPUTER: WIDESPREAD RAINFALL THE COUNTRY, SOME FLOODING BUT NONE SERIOUS. FUNGUS RAPIDLY DISAPPEARING, OTHER WEATHER CONTROL BUREAU COMING INTO OPERATION. WORLD FOOD SHORTAGES BECOMING PARTIALLY RELIEVED... (Peeking through a gap in the clouds for a moment, the sun refracts through the sheets of icy water in myriad dazzling colours.) [SCENE_BREAK] 49, INT: EARTH-CONTROL COMPUTER: ...NOW T-MAT BECOMING OPERATIONAL AGAIN. MESSAGE TO COMMANDER RADNOR FROM THE SECURITY COUNCIL OF THE UNITED NATIONS, CONGRATULATIONS. RADNOR: Alright, discontinue report. ZOE: So you really did know what you were doing at the weather control bureau? DOCTOR: But Zoe, of course I did! JAMIE: Aye, well at it took long enough to work, eh? RADNOR: Well, the rain seems to have disposed of the fungus well enough. Now the next thing to do is to get T-Mat fully operational again. KELLY: Yes, when moon relay's repaired we must check over the equipment and build in safeguards. From now on T-Mat must be entirely controlled from Earth. ELDRED: Oh surely you've learned not to put all of your eggs in one basket in future? KELLY: T-Mat in itself is perfectly effective! ELDRED: You need a secondary transportation system, a fleet of rockets on permanent standby! RADNOR: Yes, but professor Eldred we... KELLY: There's no need to go to those lengths! ELDRED: It's a question of common sense, and I'm sure the Doctor will agree with me. Doctor... (They all look around, but the Doctor, Jamie and Zoe are gone.) [SCENE_BREAK] 50, INT: SPACE MUSEUM (Three soggy figures with coats on their heads scurry into the museum.) JAMIE: Did you really have to make it rain as hard as all that? DOCTOR: Oh Jamie, sometimes I think you're never satisfied! ZOE: Oh, what did you rush us back here for? DOCTOR: Well you know, questions, explanations - it's very difficult, come on. (He skips into the TARDIS.) ZOE: Oh where are going now? JAMIE: Oh it's no use asking him, he's no more idea than the man in the moon! (The Doctor pokes his nose through the doorway.) DOCTOR: I heard that Jamie! Come on! (Jamie and Zoe follow the Doctor back into the TARDIS and the door swings closed after them. There is an ethereal thuddering from within the square blue box, and with a trumpet blast of worn-out engines it fades into nothingness leaving no trace; save three sets of wet footprints that mysteriously and abruptly end before a table containing the tiny model of an obsolete ion-jet rocket.)

The Doctor manages to create a rain storm to destroy the Martian fungus before trying to find a way to stop the Ice Warriors' invasion fleet.

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Scene: The comic book store. Howard: It's amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading comics digitally. Leonard: It's probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets. Howard: Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight. Yay. Sheldon: Well? What do you think of New Comic Book Night? Magic, huh? Amy: Sheldon, I'm disappointed. As a brilliant man, you're entitled to a vice. I could understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow man for sport. But this? Lame-o. Sheldon: Well, A, comic books employ storytelling through sequential art, a medium that dates back 17,000 years to the cave paintings of Lascaux, and B, you play the harp. Like that's cool. Stuart: Can I help you find anything? Amy: A comic that depicts a woman whose bosom can't be used as a floatation device. Stuart: Sorry. Most of the guys who come in here like big boobs. Couple of them have big boobs. Raj: Hey, look, the new Warlords of Ka'a expansion pack is out. Howard: A new one? Unbelievable. They just keep making up more cheesy monsters, slapping them on cards and selling them at 25 bucks a pop. It's like a secret tax on guys who can't get laid. Raj: They're not even trying. Remember the Satanimals pack with the Hellephant? Why, absurd. What was he, a bad elephant who died and went to hell? What could an elephant possibly do that would cause him eternal damnation? Howard: Wild West and Witches? What kind of loser cares about a showdown between Billy the Kid and the White Wizard of the North? Raj: A total loser. Obviously a guy with a six-shooter beats an old man with a magic wand. Leonard: Well, ho-hold on. What if the wizard casts a Helmet of Confusion spell on Billy the Kid's cowboy hat? Howard: What? Please! This is Billy the Kid we're talking about. I mean, the wizard would get shot between the eyes before he could ever get out the words, what the hell is Billy the Kid doing in the mystic realm of Ka'a? Stuart: Leonard, what's the deal with Sheldon's friend Amy? Are they a couple? Leonard: Couple of weirdos. Why? Howard: You interested in Amy? Stuart: Well, I mean, she didn't look through me with soul-sucking, ball-shriveling hatred and contempt. I like that in a woman. Could you run it by Sheldon if I could ask her out? Leonard: Sure. I guess. Raj: Stuart, settle an argument for us. Who would win, Billy the Kid or the White Wizard? Stuart: If I tell you that, I'm robbing you of the hours of fun you could have for the magical, rootin' tootin' low price of $24.95. Raj: I'll take one. Howard: Mmm, make it two. Leonard: I hate all of you and myself. Three. Stuart: I'll ring it up. Like shooting nerds in a barrel. Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Hey, can I talk to you about something? It's a little awkward. Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you're at, you're wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes. And if I may suggest, consider changing disciplines. Yeah, to the humanities, perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don't have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuff that happened and then parrot it back. You could have fun with that. Leonard: Yeah, that's not it. Stuart's kind of interested in Amy. Sheldon: Oh, of course he is. She's very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes? Leonard: No. He wanted me to find out if you'd have a problem with him asking her out. Sheldon: I'm not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don't own Amy. Can't own a person. At least not since? 1863. President Lincoln freed the? Slaves! Come on Leonard, if you're going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you'll have to know. Leonard: You know what? Never mind. I'm going to tell him it's okay to ask her out. Sheldon: The question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia. Leonard: All right, but just for the record, I checked in with you to see how you'd feel about it. Sheldon: Fine. The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist. Leonard: I am not washed-up. Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Lots of people love you and want to help you, but they can't until you admit the problem. Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny: Well, ladies, we killed the bottle. Amy: I had half a glass. Bernadette: I didn't have any. Penny: Okay, don't judge me. So, what do you want to do, go to the movies, go dancing, lay down for a little bit? Amy: Or we play Travel Twister. Bernadette: Amy, really? Twister? Amy: Excuse me. I've passed many an enjoyable evening playing this game. And I'm sure it's a lot more exciting when you play with other people. What do you say, bestie? We can do shirts and skins. I'm shirts. Called it. Bernadette: I'm too small for Twister. And roller coasters. And sitting with my feet on the floor. Hope you enjoyed the prenatal cigarettes, Mom. Penny: Hey, you know, my mom smoked pot when she was pregnant with me, and I turned out just fine. Hey, look, I have peach schnapps. Thank God. Amy (reading a text on her phone): Guys, something happened. Penny: What's wrong? Amy: I think a boy likes me. Bernadette (reading): Hi. It's Stuart. We met at the comic book store. I was wondering if you'd like to get coffee sometime. It's okay if you say no. It might be the kick in the pants I need to start taking Zoloft. Penny: Amy, little vixen. Just working it under all those layers of wool and polyester. Bernadette: What are you going to do? Doesn't he know you have a boyfriend? Penny: Oh, she doesn't have a boyfriend, she has a Sheldon. So do you like Stuart? Amy: I don't know. He's nice. He's funny. He has the sallow, drawn countenance associated with an overactive thyroid gland. That's kind of hot. Penny: Okay, look, sweetie, we all love Sheldon, but you've been with him over a year now. If it's not going anywhere, what does it hurt to look around? Bernadette: Well, yeah, I guess they're not engaged like me and Howie. Penny: Yeah, for what it's worth, engaged people can look around, too. Lot of options out there. Scene: The comic book store. Sheldon: Where's Stuart? Speccy Guy Behind Counter (sniggering): Out. Sheldon: Who are you? Speccy Guy: I'm Dale. He left me in charge. Leonard: Really? Dale: Yeah. I don't get it, either. Leonard: I want to return this Wild West and Witches Ka'a expansion pack. Dale: Sorry. I don't do returns. They're hard. Leonard: Sure, sure. Uh, when will Stuart be back? Dale: I don't know. He went out for coffee. With a girl. Sheldon: Oh, I guess I was wrong. Leonard: You okay? Sheldon: Am I okay? Leonard, I'm on a lifelong trajectory that includes a Nobel Prize and cities named after me, all four wisdom teeth fit comfortably in my mouth without need of extraction, and my bowel movements run like a German train schedule. Am I okay? Dale: I'm okay, too! Scene: The apartment. They are playing Warlords of Ka'a. Raj: Wild Bill Witchcock. Leonard: A tribe of Abra-Comanches. Sheldon: Flaming Spittoon. And for the record, I'm very disappointed in you cowpokes. We're playing our inaugural round of Wild West and Witches, and I'm the only one who bothered to dress for the occasion. (Spits into a spittoon) Patooie. Howard: We're not wearing cowboy hats, Sheldon. It looks ridiculous. Sheldon: And I suppose my boots and spurs are ridiculous, too? Leonard: Yeah. Howard: Very. Raj: Incredibly so. Sheldon: Did it look ridiculous when we got the Satanimals pack and I dressed up as a Beelzebobcat? Leonard: Yeah. Howard: Very. Raj: Incredibly so. Sheldon: All right, fine. Let's just play. Leonard: We should go easy on him. Amy's out with Stuart tonight. Howard: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Sheldon's patented blend of condescension and no s*x isn't enough to hold on to a woman? Sheldon: Cluck, cluck, cluck. What are we, ladies at a quilting bee? Or are we men playing a fantasy card game set in a magical frontier town? Howard: Sorry. Creepy Tepee. Raj: Annie Ogly. Leonard: Hocus Pocus Pocahontas. Sheldon: And may I point out it is the three of you who are obsessed with Stuart and Amy, not me. I think you need to ask yourselves who's really being ridiculous here. (Walks away with spurs jangling) Leonard: It's you. Howard: You are. Raj: Totally you. Scene: The cafeteria. Raj: Hey, guys, check it out. The deluxe limited edition Wild West and Witches expansion pack in the signed and numbered collector's tin. Leonard: Oh come on, no! We just bought the regular pack. Howard: Ooh, a sheriff's badge. Raj: Yeah, it's also a wand. Leonard: With a hologram? Nice. Hey, do you see this? Sheldon: I'm in the matrix, Leonard, I see everything. Leonard: You've got to be kidding me. You friended Stuart on Facebook? Howard: I thought you didn't like Facebook anymore. Sheldon: Don't be silly. I'm a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact. Raj: Please. You're looking at Facebook to find out how their date went. Sheldon: Really? You think I care if a man, what, shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite lady? Raj: You're so full of it. Sheldon: You are free to believe whatever you like. And unfriend Rajesh Koothrappali. Raj: You unfriended me? Seriously? Howard: Oh, yeah. Now he's gonna miss all those great updates like, I can't believe I waited this long to make my own potpourri. Leonard: Sheldon, why don't you just acknowledge that you have feelings for Amy and you don't want her going out with other men? Sheldon: And unfriend Leonard Hofstadter. Howard: Here's a radical thought. Go old-school, challenge Stuart to a fight. I mean, nothing makes the ladies hotter than two skinny white guys swatting at each other with their eyes closed. Sheldon: And unfriend Howard Wolowitz. Leonard: That's all of us. Can I use the laptop? Sheldon: Why? Leonard: I have to buy that stupid collector's tin. Scene: Penny's apartment door. Sheldon knocks three times. Penny (off): Who do we love? Sheldon: Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny (off): Who do we love? Sheldon: Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny (off): Who do we love? Sheldon: Penny. Penny: Hello, Sheldon. Come on in. Sheldon: Thank you. Penny: What's up? Sheldon: I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me. Penny: I'm sorry, what? Sheldon: A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you'd like to take in a prizefight. Penny: God, are you trying to make Amy jealous? Sheldon: No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight. Penny: Okay, listen to me. Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back. Sheldon: I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way? Penny: All right, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I'm going with this? Sheldon: I believe I do. Penny: Mm. Sheldon: I'm the guy. Penny: You're not the guy. Sheldon: Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time. Penny: I call everyone sweetie. Sheldon: You tramp. Penny: Look, Sheldon, all I'm saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy. Sheldon: Strap on a pair? Of what, skates? Penny: Oh, sweetie, you are so not the guy. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: A cinema. Stuart: If you're bored, you can go. I understand. Amy: No, I'm having a nice time. Stuart: Don't patronize me. Sheldon: Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart. Stuart: Hi, Sheldon. Sheldon: Pardon me. Excuse me. Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here? Sheldon: The thought of you sitting in a darkened theatre with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offence, Stuart. Stuart: None taken. Although repellent is kind of a, kind of a strong word. Amy: I'm sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want. Stuart: Um, again... Sheldon: Stuart, please. You're being rude. Amy: Anything else? Sheldon: I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship. Amy: I'm listening. Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend. Amy: Interesting. Now try it without the quadruple negative. Sheldon: You're being impossible. Amy: Hi, Stuart. Sheldon: Fine. Amy, will you be my girlfriend? Amy: Yes. Sheldon: Well, that's enough of that. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date. Here's a dollar for your troubles. Get yourself some Sour Patch Kids. Scene: Outside Amy's apartment. Stuart: So, other than you taking your relationship to the next level with another guy, this was nice. Amy: Yes, well, thanks for seeing me to my door. Stuart: Oh, you're welcome. Sheldon (inside): (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Let's wrap things up out there. Amy: Um, good night, Stuart. Stuart: Good night. Sheldon (inside): Take the hint, Stuart. The lady said good night. Amy: How did you get into my apartment? Sheldon: Wow. Is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you're my girlfriend? Good thing I drew this up. Amy: What's that? Sheldon: I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend. Amy: It's so romantic. Sheldon: Mutual indemnification always is. Why don't you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp. Amy: Section 5: Hand-holding. Hand-holding is only allowed under the following circumstances. A: Either party is in danger of falling off a cliff, precipice or ledge. B: Either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel Prize. C: Moral support during flu shots. Seems a bit restrictive. Sheldon: Feel free to retain a lawyer. Scene: Penny's apartment. The girls are playing twister. Amy: Penny, I said right hand red. Penny (picking up wine): Yeah, I heard you. I got red. Amy: Bernadette, left foot yellow. Bernadette: We should play limbo next. No one beats me at limbo. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. Amy: That's my boyfriend. It's open! Sheldon: I got a splinter. Amy: What do you want me to do about it? Sheldon: Relationship agreement Section 4, Boo-boos and Ouchies. You have to take care of it. Amy: I should've gotten a lawyer. Bernadette: Looks like it's just us playing. (Penny snores) Penny? (Penny snores louder) Penny, we're out of wine! Penny (waking, bleary): You should probably drive.

When Amy visits the comic book store with the guys, she meets Stuart, who takes an immediate liking to her and asks her out, which she accepts. When Sheldon hears about this, he becomes jealous, though he denies it as usual. To make Amy jealous, he asks Penny out, who refuses and instead tells him to reveal his feelings to Amy. Later he interrupts Amy's date with Stuart and finally admits his feelings for her. He then proposes a 31-page Relationship Agreement, which Amy finds romantic and accepts, though she regrets it later when she finds out that she has to take care of her boyfriend's injuries as per Section 4 of the agreement. Meanwhile, Leonard, Howard and Raj discover that a new expansion pack for Mystic Warlords of Ka'a called Wild West and Witches has come out. Leonard tries to return his expansion pack but Stuart's assistant Dale (who is filling in for Stuart) refuses to take it back. Later Raj buys the Deluxe Limited Edition of the same pack in a collector's tin which annoys Leonard, but he too ends up buying it anyway.

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KT HOUSE Cappie : Don't worry about these love handles. Rusty : What love handles? Cappie : Pledge frolicking session in five, those puppies will melt right off, big guy. Wade : Remember, you may leave for class, but you go straight there and back. No stopping for eating or sleeping or socializing. Your souls belong to us. Beaver : Show me angry, pledges. Wade : Come on, angry! Yeah. That's it. That's it. Work it. Beaver : Now you're sad. You're sad. I'm lost in the forest. Now, uh... now you're a cobra! Ben Bennett : Dude, they painted my pepperonis blue. It's permanent ink! Rusty : We've come this far, only a few more days, we're as good as initiated. Cappie : I nitiated? Sure, Rusty. You pledges have endured many a Hell Week trial. Like, Bobbing for Hairballs, the Rhinoceros Walk, and even that rousing game of Hide the Pickle... we found eventually. Pickle : I had a sweet hiding spot. Wade : Back in line, sweetie! Cappie : But what you don't know, Rusty... Keith : Why do you keep calling him "Rusty"? Wade : Because, Keith, "Spitter" is his KT name. Cappie : And, he has no guarantee of becoming a Kappa Tau. Oh, no. None of you do. Every Hell Week at least one pledge is found wanting and expelled. Rusty : You'd really kick one of us out? Cappie : Or more. The brothers will use a final round of trials to determine which pledges will become initiated, And which ones will go home... for good. Just like Dancing With the Stars, except there's no dancing and there's no stars. Remember, it's three strikes and you're out. Just like baseball, except there's no bases and there's really no balls. Now frolic! Come on, pledges, frolic! Let's see it. Like nymphs, like nymphs, come on. You're in the woods, you're frolicking in the woods. You're having a car wash. Suds are being thrown everywhere. OMEGA CHI HOUSE Evan : We've been at this for three days and still some of you maggots can't do 50 push ups? Come on, let's go. Trip : This sucks. I can't do any more. Calvin : Come on. It could be worse. Evan : We got another one. God, that stinks. Omega Chi Guy : There goes Owens. Next victim. Evan : No, no. Wait. I got a special punishment for Calvin. He's got to clean O'Toole's bathroom sink. Calvin : But he manscapes in there! Evan : I don't want to hear it. Let's go. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Honor room Calvin : This does not look like O'Toole's bathroom. Evan : This, Pledge Owens is our Honor Room. And you're just here to clean it. Calvin : That's it? I don't have to... use my toothbrush or anything? Evan : Nope. I mean, consider yourself spared. Calvin : Can you do that? Evan : Calvin, I can do whatever I want, I'm the president. Calvin : Big Bro to the rescue. Where to start? ZBZ HOUSE Brenda : No way. Quit whining, man, you're a pledge! Dude, eat it! Eat the chocolate poo! I gotta be openly mean to you, to offset the homoeroticism of so many of our rituals. So eat it! Damn! That was nasty, bra! Rebecca : But, dude, I'm ready to get initiated. Beth : That was so real. ZBZ Girl : Yeah, Beth. Rebecca : Hey, got a sec? I wanted to talk to you about the gift exchange... Laura : Casey, your boyfriend is ruining Inspiration Week. Casey : One sec, Becks. Ashleigh : Hurry or you'll miss Sister Circle. Laura :He just walked right in. Max : It was open. I'm sorry. Casey : Come on, don't worry about it. Max : Sorry, I didn't... Casey : It's OK... Casey : Thanks for saving me from all the sister bonding, I need a break. Like a summer of fun break. Since I'm no longer ZBZ president, I'm no longer obligated to prep for next year's rush. It's just you and me. Barbequing, sipping mojitos... Max : I got accepted to grad school. Casey : I know, at CRU. Which I was excited about the first time you told me. Max : No. A different school... In California. Casey : California, Ohio? Max : No, uh, California, California. Cal-Tech. I applied before we even met. And I hadn't heard anything, so I just figured, I assumed... Casey : So, Cal-Tech. Which means after our summer of fun... Max : We'd only be two thousand, two hundred and twenty-nine point three miles... away from each other. Credits OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Evan's room Evan : OK, look, here we go. We could book a red eye leaving for Kona right after your last final. Frannie : Evan, we can't. There's so much to do. We have all those appointments booked with the realtors. Besides, we're going to meet your family in the Hamptons Memorial Day weekend. Evan : Yeah, well I thought we could do something just the two of us. Frannie : Do you not wanna see your parents? Evan : No, fine, whatever. I'll go. Frannie : Good. Because for a minute there I thought it was about the realtors. I know it's a big commitment. Evan : No, that, I am actually excited about. Frannie : Me, too. I'll see you later? Evan : Yeah. ZBZ HOUSE - Kitchen Rebecca : Big Sis, ready for Sorority Massacre Movie Night? Casey : Yay, done naked girls. One sec, Becks. Ashleigh : The pledges want more rootbeer floats. We're out of rootbeer. Help me out? Casey : This isn't part of your duties, Frannie's Pledge Educator, she's in charge of I-week. Ashleigh : I haven't seen her since yesterday. Casey : Two weeks ago she was killing for the Presidency, now she's skipping Movie Night. I'll get some more rootbeer. Ashleigh : Thank you.Oh, and let's walk on the wild side. Get regular, not diet. Casey : Um, can I ask you a question first Ashleigh : Is it about the Big-Little gift exchange? Casey : It's about you and Travis. I wanted to know what it was like being in a long distance relationship. Ashleigh : Well, it sucked. I basically wasted two years of college dating a total jerk. We were never around each other long enough to realize it. Then there's the travel costs, the phone bills, the trying to have phone s*x when you get spotty reception. The pressure to make the most of your visits, not to mention the fear of him cheating on you. Casey : OK, I get it. Max is leaving for Cal-Tech in three months, and he wanted to know if we're still staying together. Ashleigh : But, it'll be great for you guys. I'm... I'm sure Max has good cell phone service. Casey : How am I supposed to make this kind of commitment, when we've only dated for a month and a half? Ashleigh : Well, why do you have to decide now? Just enjoy the next three months and whatever happens, happens. EXT. CRU Calvin : Get down. They might see us. Rusty : I am going to get dung out. Calvin : Come on, they love you over there, you're the president's Little Brother. Sure you get special treatment. Rusty : From Cappie? He blindfolded me and made me reach into the upstairs toilet. Calvin : OK, that's enough. Rusty : No, it was just peanut butter. Calvin : That's actually kinda funny. Rusty : No, he made me eat it. Calvin : And it's disgusting again. Rusty : I'm sure Evan enjoys inflicting pain on you guys. Calvin : Not me. If anything, Evan's intentionally going easy on me. Rusty : How do your pledge brothers feel about that? Calvin : I don't think they know. I mean, I've been cleaning the Honor Room instead. Which reminds me. Guess what I found? Rusty : What? Calvin : Your old Omega Chi pledge paddle. Rusty : The one I hit Evan with? Calvin : I'd think he would've torched that by now. It's definitely yours. There's a nose-shaped dent in it. Rusty : That was a pretty big swing. Thanks, man. You almost made me forget about Hell Week. Dale : You wouldn't know hell if it stuck you in the bottom with a pitchfork. Here, no peanut butter, just like you asked. Rusty : Thanks. Dale : Don't forget. I'm leaving tomorrow at 3:00. Rusty : I'll be there. Stop worrying. Calvin : Wait, finals aren't until next week. Dale : I already took them. I'm taking off early to Rockdale, Alabama 4- H circuit with Darwin Lied. We're opening up for Intelligent-D. It's gonna be off the hook. Calvin : Rock on. Rusty : All right, I'm out. Hopefully the next time you see me, I'll be a Kappa Tau brother and not a wash out. Calvin : Stop worrying, just embrace the humiliation and you'll be fine. Rusty : How would you know? Dale : Listen, just don't let them tie a brick to your goat-whacker. CRU - Max's room Max : Why? You're laughing. Casey : Everybody laughs when their feet get tickled. It's a reflex, as you know, science dork. Stop! Oh, stop! We're gonna be fine. Max : You mean you're OK with a long distance relationship? Casey : But, I am ready to commit to you an amazing summer with you. And figuring it out from there. Max : Summer for now. That'll be fun. Casey : How much fun? Max : I don't know. KT HOUSE Cappie : Surprise! Rusty : Oh, God. Cappie : So cute. Rusty : I can do this. I got the eye of the tiger and I'm ready to fight. Cappie : Let the Trial by Fish begin. Beaver : Feisty little guy. Cappie : Be careful... Beaver : I accidentally scooped you three fish, Rusty. But, we have faith in you. Cappie : Now pledges, take your cups and first of all... Rusty : Done. Heath : What do you mean "done"? Rusty : Finished. That was quick. Beaver : It's empty! Where the hell are they?! Rusty : In my belly. Cappie : What the hell were you thinking?! You're supposed to take care of the fish, not eat them! Rusty : Why'd yougive us bibs? Cappie : This is a baby fish papoose pouch! Beaver : He murdered the poor little fishies. That's officially strike one, Sushi Boy. Rusty : No! Cap! Cap, n... no! I was only doing what you wanted me to do. Embracing humiliation. Cappie : I can't protect you on this one. You're going to have to pass Judgment Day with flying colors. Or else! Ext. ZBZ HOUSE Rebecca : Oh, my God! Did someone strangle a chipmunk? Brenda : Big-Little gifts are so cheesy. Yay, can I please get a sterling silver ZBZ cat to put on my shelf of stuff I'll throw away in a month? Rebecca : I know, right? Can I please get a ZBZ patchwork quilt? I'm redecorating my cabin up at Lake Tacky-Crap. Ivy : Brenda, this is for you. Brenda : Oh, my God! I love it! I love you! I love you, too. Ashleigh : Isn't Ivy the sweetest? I got a blender! For protein shakes. But if that's true, why did she include this little bag of margarita salt? It's perfect for the summer. Rebecca : Fun summer. Ashleigh : So you got any crazy parties coming up with your high school friends? Rebecca : I do, however, have front row seats to my parents' divorce. I'll take pictures. But I like your blender. Ashleigh : Did you get a Big Sis gift for Casey? Rebecca : Yes. I decided I won't kill her for kissing Cappie over Spring Break. Ashleigh : Well, she got you a Little Sis gift. Rebecca : Really? She did? I mean, not that I care. Ashleigh : No matter what's gone on between you two, Casey really does believe in sisterhood. It's a really nice gift, too. KT HOUSE Cappie : Be seated. Look only at the candle or else you fail Judgment Day. Rusty : So, this is heaven. Cappie : This is heaven's lobby. If this were real heaven, there'd be bi-curious Playmates making out in a corner somewhere. Voice of an angel, you. Beaver : Thank you. Cappie : Tell the jury, why do you think you belong in Kappa Tau? Rusty : As you know, I struck down Evan Chambers with a pledge paddle. I defeated the Omega Chis at Beer Pong. I made it rain beer with Vesuvius, and I even got the upstairs toilet to flush after Chili Night, with little to no splatter. All : Guilty! Rusty : Of what? Wade : Of everything! You beat Calvin at Beer Pong not their entire house. Heath : And you know Calvin's hand cramps easily. Wade : And made Vesuvius rain beer? Cappie : Another minute and that Remington Hertzog Atmospheric Destabilizer would have evaporated our blood and rained it on our mummified corpses. Beaver : Wikipedia. Wade : In fact, weren't you initially thinking about being an Omega Chi pledge? You went there and ignored our Bid Night. We were your second choice, remember? Rusty : But I ended up here! All : Eyes on the candle! Rusty : Kappa Tau is where I belong. Cappie : I did all this stuff all year and it's not good enough? "A" for effort, but no, sorry. Wade : I'm afraid this is strike two. Cappie : Last chance, go forth in the world and find a way to demonstrate to us that you are a KT. Rusty : How? Cappie : The true Kappa Tau wouldn't have to ask that. Beaver : And you gotta do it before Initiation Night, or don't bother showing up. Cappie : Tick-tock, Rusty. Tickety-tock. EXT. OMEGA CHI HOUSE Evan : And remember, if anyone asks, this is not hazing. You are simply pruning the rose bushes... with your hands, with no gloves, by choice. Trip : I can't. I need a break. Evan : You will break when I tell you to break, Trip. Calvin : Evan, he looks broken, man. Well, then it's your job to revive him. Evan : Come on, Owens, cool off. I'm gonna go get us some snacks. Trip : How you doing there, Owens? That fan looks heavy. Calvin : Look, man, I didn't make the pledge assignments, what can I do? Trip : But you're Evan's pet Little Bro, talk to him, he's going too far. Calvin : Come on, man, we're almost there, OK? Trip : You're almost there. He's giving you all the easy jobs. The rest of us are dying here. Evan : OK, boys, who's up for mayonnaise pot stickers? CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Dale : Last load. Nine months of temptation, God, and I proved myself. Rusty : And I have to prove to the Actives why I'm a true Kappa Tau. Dale : Well... you could always show them a biopsy of your decayed liver. Come on, Russ, you'll always be my little frat boy. Rusty : Thanks, Dale. Well, you're off. Dale : Yeah, yeah. Till the fall. Sophomore year, baby. Can't wait. Rusty : I can't wait for this year to be over. Dale : I burned this for you. Darwin Lied cut a new track. Carpool to Salvation. I'll save you a seat. Rusty : You never have a moment of doubt that you're right, or that you are right where you belong, do you? I sometimes wish I had what you have. Dale : I just have faith. I mean, that cross is just two sticks tied together without that. You know, and I... know in my heart that the Big Guy has a plan for all of us. And I happen to know a little bit about his plans for you, too. Rusty : Something that includes Kappa Tau, I hope. Dale : No. But we are gonna be roommates again. He told me. Come here. DOBLER'S Casey : I applied to bartend here over the summer. I haven't heard back. Which is maybe OK, since I plan to spend the summer maximizing my time with... Ashleigh : Max. And then, from there, you'll re-evaluate the relationship's staying power. Casey : Long and prosperous, no doubt. Ashleigh : Isn't that the manager? Why don't you go ask him about the job? Casey : Can't just go up and ask him. That's bad form. I'll call him tomorrow. Ashleigh : While you're out you should buy a gift for Rebec... Casey : Unknown number. Oh, maybe it's the manager. Hello? Of course I'm interested. Totally. Yes, I'll call you tomorrow. Thank you. I just got a job. Ashleigh : No you didn't. I just talked to the manager. They're going with someone else. You have no bartending experience. Casey : Not here. In Washington. Ashleigh : There's a Dobler's in Washington? Casey : Remember Paula Baker? From the convention, former ZBZ and current US Congresswoman? She just offered me a summer internship in DC. Ashleigh : No way! When did you even apply? Casey : I didn't. She just remembered me from the convention. She had a last minute opening, she thought of me and she tracked down my number. Ashleigh : Well, this is awesome! Right? Casey : I'd have to be in DC in two weeks. EXT. CRU Casey : I screwed, I mean, I seriously don't know what to do. I want the internship in DC, it's the career direction I've been waiting for, but I finally found some incredible guy who I might lose. L.C : It's so what happened with Jason going to Paris, remember? Casey : I know, right. So how did you decide, L.C.? L.C : I don't know. I guess I just followed my heart, Case. Which I guess was a mistake or whatever. Casey : Because you and Jason broke up? L.C : But I wouldn't have known he was the wrong choice unless I had spent the summer with him in Malibu. Which you saw in season two. Casey : True. L.C : Also, I could have spent my whole summer in France wondering if I had left behind my one true love. Casey : But he wasn't? L.C : God, no. I totally should have gone to France! Casey : But what if Max is more my future than Washington? What if I suck there? L.C : But, I mean, it's allabout the "what if?" Either way, you're always gonna wonder... what if? That's so deep. Ashleigh : I know, right? Casey : Ash, what're you doing here? Ashleigh : It's fricking L.C.! Casey : I love your hair. How do you get it so shiny and straight? Ashleigh : You never ask me that. L.C : I always go with a ceramic iron. Ah, genius. Casey : So, tell me, L.C., what would you do? L.C : Casey, the answer's crystal clear. ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey's room Rusty : It's me, it's me. Casey : What are you doing here? Rusty : I need your help. Casey : Good God, what is that smell? Rusty : Desperation? Casey : No... You smell like dog poo. And your breath, it's like the pond at Grandpa's house. Rusty : How did Cappie prove he was a KT during Hell Week? I need to know. Casey : He didn't. If I recall correctly, I think that assignment was just for dorky pledges who were gonna get dung out. I'm so tired... Not the comforter. Rusty : And freaked out. I can't even remember why I wanted to join KT in the first place. Casey : Because you were too good for Omega Chi. Rusty : Not at first, I wasn't. Maybe that's why I'm in so much trouble. I need to rid myself of any last vestiges of Omega Chi. Casey : What are you talking about? Rusty : I knew I could count on you. Casey : Don't even! Get off the... Don't do anything stupid. Rusty : I'm not. I'm doing something Kappa Tau. EXT. ZBZ HOUSE Rebecca : For you. Your Big Sis present. Casey : Rebecca, that's like, the sweetest thing ever. Rebecca : I know. Casey : I love it. Thanks. Becks, listen, things have been so crazy with Max that I forgot to... Ashleigh : Bring this down. You left it upstairs on the dresser. Casey : Exactly what I was about to say. Rebecca : What is it? Casey : Something awesome. Rebecca : Like what? Casey : Don't wanna spoil the surprise. Rebecca : I don't mind. Casey : Just open it, K? Rebecca : Thanks. BAR Cappie : You up for some competition? Casey : You know I rock at pool. Cappie : I know. I learned the hard way. Casey : Subtle. I just came here to figure out what to do about a personal matter. On my own. I didn't expect that you'd be here. Cappie : Handicap? Casey : For who? You? Keep dreaming. Rack 'em. I'll break. Cappie : So, a personal problem, huh? Let me guess. Max... is having an emotional affair with his World of Warcraft teammate, right? Casey : He's going to grad school in the fall in California. Cappie : California, Ohio? Casey : We were going to spend the summer together here and figure out what to do about the fall. But I just got offered a summer internship in DC, I'd have to leave in two weeks. Cappie : Congrats, Case. Casey : I haven't committed yet. I mean, I don't want to leave Max, but this is a US Congresswoman we're talking about here. Paula Baker. Cappie : Paula Baker? Maryland, Fifth District. Soft on energy, but a staunch protector of the Loggerhead sea turtle. I like that. So, Max or a possible career. Long distance. That's a... big commitment for a guy who just started dating. Good shot. Casey : That's it? Cappie : Great shot? I don't know what you want me to say. Casey : As my friend, what do you think I should do? You said it yourself. Max and I just started dating. What if I pass on this awesome opportunity in DC... and he's not the one? Cappie : Fine, as your friend, Case, I... think you should... bank the nine ball. Go for the side pocket. Casey : And? Cappie : And... I think you should... take the internship instead of Max. Casey : Really? So you're suggesting I break up with Max? Cappie : I'm saying that you shouldn't discount the fact that you spent the past year trying to find something to build a future on and... now you may have found it. As for finding the one, I think if it's... meant to be eventually, it will be. Casey : Thanks for the advice, Cap. Eight ball, corner pocket. [SCENE_BREAK] ZBZ HOUSE - Kitchen Rebecca : Hey, Frannie ! How's your BFF taking doing it national? Frannie : That's in the past. And, I'm here to discuss the future. Rebecca : Do I hear ticking? Frannie : Just open it. Rebecca : Lovely. What's the catch? Frannie : Just hear me out. Casey : That's beautiful, Frannie. Who knew you could give as well as you take? Frannie : This is just my final, end of the year gesture, as Pledge Educator. Rebecca : At least Frannie picked out her own gift. Casey : Rebecca...I wanted to... Rebecca : Later. You were saying? OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Honor room Calvin : Hey Evan... Huh... I just noticed that you made the pledges sleep in the backyard last night, in the mud. Evan : We left you inside for that one, didn't we? Calvin : Don't you think you're being a little hard on them and easy on me? Evan : Look, you're my Little Brother, you're a Legacy, you're entitled to special treatment, so just enjoy it. As much as you are? Calvin : Ever since you signed up for that trust, you seem to just wanna show off what it means to be Evan Chambers. Evan : That's crap. Calvin : Maybe so, but you know, those are my pledge brothers, so... if you're gonna haze them that way, you gotta haze me the same. Fair is fair. Evan : You serious? Calvin : I am. Evan : You're right. It's not fair. So grab the pledge manual and follow me. Calvin : Where we going? Evan : No questions. Move it, pledge. CRU - Max's room Casey : I have to leave in two weeks. Max : I guess we'll be starting the long distance thing a lot sooner then, huh? You wanna break up. Casey : I want to be in two places at once. You're science-y. Have they made that possible yet? Max : Funny isn't... I'm sorry. What if I... What if I come to DC with you? Casey : Then we'd still have to say good bye at the end of summer. Max : No chance you'd move to California? Casey : I can't keep making decisions based on the guys in my life. I need to stay here for me. I need to take this internship for me. Guess that sounds kinda selfish. Max : I'm the one leaving. Casey : And you have to. It's what's best for you. Max : It's not what's best for us, though. Casey : I'd better go. No regrets? Max : No regrets. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Honor room Rusty : Checkmate. Evan : All right, let's get those blindfolds on. Rusty ! Rusty : Evan ! This isn't the Kappa Tau house. Evan : Guys! Come on, hurry up! ZBZ HOUSE - Dining room Betsy : What is that? Ashleigh : Who wants more cookies? ZBZ Girls : I do! KT HOUSE Cappie : Where's Rusty? I hope he's not kidnapping a Tri Pi for us. Beaver : We got in a lot of trouble for that last time. Cappie : Yeah, we did. Wade : We can't wait any longer. Initiation has to be tonight. Cappie : When it comes to initiation, even I must abide by the rules. Except for one. Wade : Naked beneath the robe? Cappie : You, too? Heath : I called Rusty's dorm like ten times. No answer. Cappie : Hark! I recognize that girlish scream anywhere. Spitter! EXT. CRU Wade : Come on, let's go! Move! Hurry up! We're on our way, Spitter! Beaver : Take off your blindfolds! Take 'em off! Take 'em off! Ben Bennett : Should we do it? KT Pledge : It's a trick. No one take 'em off. Pickle : He sounds serious. Ben Bennett : You know what? I'm just gonna... I'm gonna double check here. Evan : Wait a minute. You forgot this. Cappie : Come on. Get him outta here. OMEGA CHI HOUSE Evan : This handshake symbolizes our sacred bond. Brotherhood, above all. And finally, a Chapter President must choose one pledge during initiation to carry the final burden for his pledge class, for at least one hour. Calvin Owens has carried the burden for... over three hours. You can lower the book now, Cal. You're a brother. Congratulations, brothers! All right. Now listen up. Report to the backyard, so we can paddle our new initiates. Trip : I'd pick sleeping in mud over holding that book any time. It was amazing. Calvin : I just can't keep my arms down. Evan : Brother Owens. Calvin : Brother Chambers. Nice hazing tactic. Evan : Be careful what you wish for, right? Calvin : I may have been a little harsh with the show off comment. Evan : You said what you need to say to get what you wanted. And I respect that. You and I are not so different. Here, let me help you with that. Calvin : What happened to you guys anyway? Your lip looks pretty bad. Evan : I guess Rusty and I are even. Calvin : What, did you hit him with a paddle or something? Evan : I was protecting the house. Calvin : From Rusty? Evan : Look, he started this and I ended it. Like I said, he and I are even. KT HOUSE - Living room Cappie : Why would you go to the Omega Chi house during Hell Week and incite a brawl? Rusty : I guess I thought it was the only way to prove that I was a Kappa Tau. Cappie : Not that trying to get that paddle back was the coolest thing in the world, but you could have just bought us beer like your pledge bros. Rusty : You called me "Spitter". Cappie : Wouldn't know you by any other name. So no more overcompensating. Rusty : What about all those pledges that didn't get in? Cappie : In the last 50 years there was only one guy who ever left after pledging, and he did it voluntarily. Rusty : So this whole time you and the Actives were screwing with us. Cappie : You should not have locked us out of the house last month. Rusty : That's so messed up. Cappie : Why you won't think that way next year when you're doing it to the new pledges. Come with me. Who wants to get initiated? I will now read from the Kappa Tau-ra. Shalom. KT Guys : Shalom. Beaver : I love that part. Cappie : And the crossed identical arrows symbolize that while we may cross each other, we are all the same under this hallowed roof. Blow the arrows. KT Guys : Blow the arrows. Cappie : Rise. Now, you are a man. L'Chaim! Heath : What is this music? Wade : Bernie went to Israel last summer and insisted we use his mixed CD. Just go with it. Holy crap! Casey : Hey Spitter ! Rusty : Hey ! Aren't you supposed to be at ZBZ's initiation? Casey : On my way. But I wanted to say congrats, first. Rusty : Thanks. Casey : What happened to your... Hell Week gets crazier every year, huh? Rusty : Yeah. It was worth it. I'm a brother now. Casey : And I can attest from personal experience, you are a great one. Rusty : Geez. Casey : What? Everyone gets a little mushy by the end of I-Week. I'll have total deniability by Monday. Go celebrate. Rusty : Thanks, Case. Casey : Remember, you have three more years. Pace yourself. Cappie : Hey ! How is your dilemma? Casey : I'm going to Washington. Cappie : You are? So... good luck. Casey : Thanks. CRU - Max's room Max : Hi, Dr. Lewiston? Yes, this is Max Tyler from CRU. ZBZ HOUSE Ashleigh : Pledges of Zeta Beta Zeta. As you begin your ascent to sisterhood on the wings of Zetas past, know that those sisters that came before us smile down upon you from Chapter eternal. Before we replace your pledge pins with the holy badges of an initiate... Casey : Frannie ? We're starting initiation. Frannie : Then I'm just in time. For you, Ash. Ashleigh : Your Active pin? Frannie : I'm moving out of the house. Casey : You don't have to deactivate the sorority just to move out. Frannie : I do if I'm moving into another sority house. Casey : What are you doing? You can't join another sorority. Pan-Hellenic doesn't allow that. Frannie : I'm starting my own sorority. In fact, I rented the house today. Casey : You rented a whole house? That's a lot of space for you and your ego. Frannie : That's not gonna be a problem. Let's go, girls. Beth : Bye, Casey. Bye, Ashleigh. Bye, you guys. Ashleigh : No, don't go. As your president, I command you to stop! Casey : Brenda, you're leaving ZBZ? For what? To pledge all over again? Breanda : Who says I'm pledging? And yes. Frannie : Becks ! Shall we? Casey : Rebecca ? Ashleigh : Rebecca ?

Lauren Conrad's guest star appearance airs as part of the mid-season finale of ABC Family's hit series GREEK. In the episode, in which Conrad appears as herself during a dream sequence with Casey and Ashleigh, Casey is faced with a tough decision when she learns that Max is planning to head off to Cal Tech for grad school and she is offered an opportunity for an internship. So, in her time of indecision about how to spend her summer, she seeks the wisdom of one who faced a similar decision, Lauren Conrad.

fd_Doctor_Who_04x06

fd_Doctor_Who_04x06_0

In the TARDIS, the Doctor and his companions are clinging furiously to the console as the TARDIS flies violently through the vortex. They are shaking to every possible side while the Doctor tries to regain some control. Sparks are flying, Donna and Martha are screaming while the Doctor has a look of deep concern. DONNA: What the hell's it doing? DOCTOR : Controls aren't working! He tries again with a control and sparks fly. He falls to the floor and sees his hand in the jar bubbling wildly. DOCTOR : I don't know where we're going but my old hand's very excited about it! DONNA: I thought that was just some freaky alien thing! You telling me it's yours? DOCTOR : Well... MARTHA: It got cut off. He grew a new one! DONNA: You are completely... impossible! DOCTOR : Not impossible, just... a bit unlikely! The TARDIS makes one last rebellious explosion, sparks fly. The Doctor and his companions fall backwards, the Doctor lands in the chair next to the console. The TARDIS has landed. The Doctor looks at his companions before suddenly running towards the door and outside. He exits the TARDIS and looks around curiously. They seem to be in some underground tunnel, littered with junk and old equipment. His companions soon follow. DOCTOR : Why would the TARDIS bring us here? MARTHA: Oh, I love this bit. DONNA: Thought you wanted to go home. MARTHA: I know, but all the same... The Doctor is going about his business, seemingly oblivious to the conversation. He licks his hands and looks into the distance. MARTHA: It's that feeling you get... DONNA: Like you swallowed a hamster? At that moment, the Doctor and his companions hear a loud noise. They look over to the source of the commotion. Soldiers are coming. CLINE: Don't move, stay where you are! Drop your weapons. The soldiers point their guns at the TARDIS crew who show they are unarmed. DOCTOR : We're not armed! Look, no weapons. Never any weapons. We're safe. SOLDIER : Look at their hands. They're clean. CLINE: Alright, process them! Him first. The two soldiers who accompanied Cline move towards the Doctor. They grab him and drag him towards a strange machine. DOCTOR : Oi, oi! What's wrong with clean hands?! MARTHA: What's going on? DONNA: Leave him alone! The Doctor's hand is forced into the machine and he makes yells of pain as it whizzes away doing it's job. DOCTOR : Something tells me this isn't about to check my blood pressure. AAGGGH! DONNA: What're you doing to him? CLINE: Everyone gets processed. DOCTOR : It's taken a tissue sample. Ow ow ow ow ow ow! And extrapolated it! Some kind of accelerator? The machine lets the Doctor go, and he moves back, examining his hand. Donna and Martha run to him while he looks at a larger machine near the 'processor'. MARTHA: Are you alright? She examines his hand and notices a Y-shaped graze. The Doctor and Donna keep an eye on the other machine as it opens. DOCTOR: What on earth? That's just... A woman steps out from the machine, smoke billowing everywhere. The Doctor and his companions look on curiously as the woman looks around, also curious. CLINE: Arm yourself! He hands the woman the gun, and she naturally handles it. MARTHA: Where did she come from? DOCTOR : From me. The woman is arming the gun as the Doctor, looking totally shocked himself, explains the situation to his companions. DONNA: From you?! How? Who is she? DOCTOR : Well... she's... well... she's my daughter! The young woman looks on with a smile on her face. JENNY: Hello dad! OPENING CREDITS Jenny joins the soldiers while the Doctor and his companions stay in the background. CLINE: You primed to take orders, ready to fight? JENNY: Instant mental download of all strategic and military protocols, sir. Generation 5000 soldier primed and in peak physical health. Oh, I'm ready. DONNA: Did you say, daughter? DOCTOR : Mm. Technically. MARTHA: Technically how? DOCTOR : Progenation. Reproduction from a single organism. Means one parent is biological mother and father. You take a sample of diploid cells, split them into haploids, then recombine them in a different arrangement, and grow. Very quickly, apparently. JENNY: Something's coming! A Hath run down the tunnel shooting. CLINE: It's the Haths! The human soldiers shoot back. JENNY: Get down! CLINE: We have to blow the tunnel! Get the detonator! DOCTOR : I'm not detonating anything! A Hath grabs Martha and pulls her away, while Jenny kicks the other Hath and picks up the detonator. CLINE: Blow that thing, blow the thing! DOCTOR : Martha! No! Don't! Jenny presses the button, and they all run to cover before the tunnel explodes. The Doctor goes back to see the tunnel sealed, so Martha is stuck on the other side, or possibly dead. DOCTOR : You've sealed off the tunnel. Why did you do that?! JENNY: They were trying to kill us! DOCTOR: But they've got my friend! JENNY: Collateral damage. At least you've still got her, he lost both his men, I'd say you came out ahead. DONNA: Her name's Martha, and she's not collateral damage, not for anyone! Have you got that, GI Jane?! DOCTOR : I'm gonna find her. CLINE (pointing gun at them): You're going nowhere. You don't make sense, you two. No guns, no marks, no fight in you... I'm taking you to General Cobb. Now, move. [SCENE_BREAK] Martha wakes up in the debris of the explosion and spots an injured Hath. MARTHA: Hold on, I've got you, is it your arm, yeah? The Hath gurgles. MARTHA: Is that a yes? The Hath nods. MARTHA: Let me examine it. Keep still. Still, yeah? No move! The Hath nods. MARTHA: Half fish, half human, how'm I supposed to know? Is that a shoulder? Feels like a shoulder! I think it's dislocated. Several Haths march in and point guns at Martha. MARTHA : I'm trying to help him! I am a doctor and he is my patient, and I'm not leaving him! Now, this is gonna hurt. One, two, three! Martha snaps the shoulder back into place. The Hath cock their guns. The injured Hath explains them that she was helping him, and the guns are lowered. MARTHA: Now, then. I'm Doctor Martha Jones. Who the hell are you? [SCENE_BREAK] Cline, Jenny, Donna and the Doctor walk through the tunnels. DONNA: I'm Donna, what's you name? JENNY: Don't know, it's not been assigned. DONNA: Well, if you don't know that, what do you know? JENNY: How to fight. DONNA: Nothing else? DOCTOR : The machine must embed military history and tactics but no name. She's a generated anomaly. DONNA: Generated anomaly? Jenny-rated. Well what about that? Jenny! JENNY: Jenny. Yeah, I like that, Jenny. DONNA: What do you think, 'Dad'? DOCTOR : Good as anything, I suppose. DONNA: Not what you'd call a natural parent, are you? DOCTOR : They stole a tissue sample at gunpoint and processed it, it's not what I call natural parentage. DONNA: Rubbish! My friend Nerys fathered twins with a turkey baster, don't bother her. DOCTOR : You can't extrapolate a relationship from a biological accident. DONNA: Er, Child Support Agency can. DOCTOR : Look, just cos I share certain physiological traits with simian primates doesn't make me a monkey's uncle, does it? JENNY: I'm not a monkey! Or a child. They reach the human encampment, a huge underground room. DOCTOR : So, where are we? What planet's this? CLINE: Messaline. Well, what's left of it. TANNOY: ... 663 - 75 deceased. Generation 6671 - Extinct. Generation 6672 - 46 deceased. Generation 6680 - 14 deceased. Generation ... DONNA: But, this is a theatre! DOCTOR : Maybe they're doing Miss Saigon. DONNA: It's like a town, or a city, underground. But why? Cline just finished reporting to an older soldier who now walks to the Doctor and Donna. DOCTOR : General Cobb, I presume? GENERAL COBB : Found in the Western tunnels, I'm told, with no marks. There was an outbreak of pacifism in the Eastern Zone, three generations back, before we lost contact, is that where you came from? DOCTOR : Eastern Zone, that's us, yeah. Yeah. I'm The Doctor, this is Donna. JENNY: And I'm Jenny. GENERAL COBB : Don't think you can infect us with your peacemaking. We're committed to the fight, to the very end. DOCTOR : Well, that's all right, I can't stay anyway. I've gotta go and find my friend. GENERAL COBB : That's not possible, all movement is regulated. We're at war. DOCTOR : Yes, I noticed. With the Hath. But tell me, cos we got a bit out of circulation, Eastern Zone and all that, so, who exactly are the Haths? [SCENE_BREAK] The Haths lead Martha into their base, similar to the human encampment. They seem delighted to meet a friendly human and they all pet Martha. [SCENE_BREAK] GENERAL COBB : Back at the dawn of this planet, these ancient halls were carved from the earth. Our ancestors dreamt of a new beginning, a colony where human and Hath could work and live together. DOCTOR : So what happened? GENERAL COBB : The dream died. Broken, along with Hath promises. They wanted it all for themselves. But those early pioneers, they fought back. They used the machines to produce soldiers instead of colonists, and began this battle for survival. DONNA: There's nothing but earth outside, why's that? Why build everything underground? CLINE: The surface is too dangerous. DONNA: Well, then why build windows in the first place? And what does this mean? Donna points at a number stamped on the wall. GENERAL COBB : The rites and symbols of our ancestors. The meanings... lost in time. DOCTOR : How long's this war gone on for? GENERAL COBB : Longer than anyone can remember. Countless generations marked only by the dead. DONNA: What, fighting all this time? JENNY: Because we must. Every child of the machine is born with this knowledge. It's our inheritance, it's all we know. How to fight. And how to die. [SCENE_BREAK] The Hath and Martha are looking at a holographic map. MARTHA: Right... so we're here? She points at the map. [SCENE_BREAK] At the human camp, the Doctor is looking at an identical map. DOCTOR : Does this show the entire city, including the Haths zones? GENERAL COBB : Yes. Why? DOCTOR : Well it'll help us find Martha. CLINE: We've more important things to do. The Progenation Machines are powered down for the night shift, but soon as they're active, we could breed a whole platoon from you two. DONNA: I'm not having sons and daughters by some great big flippin' machine! (looking at Jenny) Sorry, no offence but you're not... well I mean you're not real. JENNY: You're no better than him! I have a body, I have a mind, I have independent thought, how am I not real? What makes you better than me? GENERAL COBB : Well said, soldier. We need more like you if ever we're to find the Source. DOCTOR : Ooh, the Source, what's that then, what's a Source? I like a Source, what is it? GENERAL COBB : The Breath of Life. DOCTOR : And that would be...? CLINE : In the beginning the great one breathed life into the universe. And then she looked at what she'd done, and she sighed. JENNY: She? I like that. DOCTOR : Right, so it's a creation myth. GENERAL COBB : It's not myth. It's real. That sigh. From the beginning of time it was caught and kept as the Source. It was lost when the war started. But it's here, somewhere. Whoever holds the Source controls the destiny of the planet. DOCTOR: Ah! I thought so! There's a suppressed layer of information in this map, if I can just... He sonics the map and more tunnels appear on it. DONNA: What is it, what's it mean? DOCTOR : See? A whole complex of tunnels, hidden from sight. [SCENE_BREAK] The extra tunnels appear on the Hath map too. MARTHA: Hold on, look! [SCENE_BREAK] GENERAL COBB : That must be the lost temple. The source will be inside. You've shown us the way! And look, we're closer than the Haths! It's ours! [SCENE_BREAK] MARTHA: That's a new map. There's a different set of tunnels! [SCENE_BREAK] GENERAL COBB : Tell them to prepare to move out. We'll progenate new soldiers on the morning shift, then we march. Once we reach the Temple, peace will be restored at long last. DOCTOR : Um, call me old-fashioned, but if you really wanted peace couldn't you just stop fighting? GENERAL COBB : Only when we have the Source. It'll give us the power to erase every stinking Hath from the face of this planet! DOCTOR : Hang on, hang on, a second ago it was peace in our time, now you're talking about genocide!? GENERAL COBB : For us, that means the same thing. DOCTOR : Then you need to get yourself a better dictionary. When you do, look up genocide. You'll see a little picture of me there and the caption will read 'Over my dead body'! GENERAL COBB : And you're the one who showed us the path to victory. But you can consider the irony from your prison cell. Cline, at arms! Cline points his gun at the Doctor and Donna. DONNA: Oi, oi oi! All right! Cool the beans Rambo! GENERAL COBB : Take them, I won't have them spreading treason. And if you try anything, Doctor, I'll see that your woman dies first. DOCTOR : No, we're, we're not a couple. DONNA: I am not his woman! CLINE: Come on. This way. DOCTOR : I'm going to stop you, Cobb, you need to know that. GENERAL COBB : I have an army and the breath of god on my side, Doctor, what'll you have? DOCTOR : This. The Doctor points to his head. GENERAL COBB : Lock them up, and guard them. CLINE: What about the new soldier? Jenny steps forward but Cobb pushes him away, into the Doctor's arms. GENERAL COBB : Can't trust her, she's from pacifist stock. Take them all! [SCENE_BREAK] The Haths wave their guns in the air, celebrating Martha. MARTHA: But, I didn't do anything! The Haths pat her on the back and continue to wave their guns in the air. MARTHA: I think I just started a war. [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor, Donna and Jenny enter their cell. Donna notices there are numbers there too. DONNA: More numbers. They've gotta mean something. DOCTOR : Makes as much sense as the breath of life story. JENNY: You mean that's not true? DONNA: No, it's a myth. Isn't it, Doctor? DOCTOR : Yes, but there could still be something real in that temple, something that's become a myth. A piece of technology, a weapon. DONNA: So the Source could be a weapon and we've just given directions to Captain Nutjob? DOCTOR : Oh, yes. DONNA: Not good, is it? DOCTOR : That's why we need to get out of here, find Martha and stop Cobb from slaughtering the Haths. He notices Jenny's inquisitive look. DOCTOR : What, what are you, what are you... what are you staring at? JENNY: You keep insisting you're not a soldier. But look at you! Drawing up strategies like a proper general. DOCTOR : No no, I'm trying to stop the fighting. JENNY: Isn't every soldier? DOCTOR : Well. I suppose. But that's... that's... technically... I haven't got time for this! Donna, give me your phone! Time for an upgrade! She handles him the phone and he sonics it. JENNY: And now you've got a weapon! DOCTOR : It's not a weapon. JENNY: But you're using it to fight back! (she laughs). I'm gonna learn so much from you, you are such a soldier! DOCTOR : Donna, will you tell her? DONNA: Oh, you are speechless, I'm loving this! You keep on, Jenny! MARTHA (on the phone): Doctor? DOCTOR : Martha! You're alive! MARTHA : Doctor! Oh, am I glad to hear your voice! Are you all right? DOCTOR: I'm with Donna, we're fine, what about you? DONNA: And Jenny, she's fine too! DOCTOR : Yes all right, (louder, to Martha) and, and Jenny... That's the woman from the machine, the soldier, my daughter, except she isn't, she's, she's... Anyway! Where are you? MARTHA: I'm in the Haths camp. I'm OK, but, something's going on. The Hath are all marching off to some place that's appeared on this map thing. DOCTOR : Ohhh... That was me. If both armies are heading that way, there's going to be a bloodbath. MARTHA : What do you want me to do? DOCTOR : Just stay where you are, if you're safe there then don't move, d'you hear? MARTHA : But I can help. The phone beeps and the connection breaks. MARTHA : Doctor? Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] General Cobb makes a speech to his troops. GENERAL COBB : The doors that have been closed will be open to us now. The door to the Temple, to the Source, and to victory! The soldiers cheer. GENERAL COBB : Come the dawn cycle we march. Their cheers and chanting is heard in the prison cell. DOCTOR : They're getting ready to move out. We have to get past that guard. JENNY: I can deal with him. DOCTOR : No, no, no, no. You're not going anywhere. JENNY : What? DOCTOR : You belong here, with them. DONNA : She belongs with us. With you. She's your daughter! DOCTOR : She's a soldier. She came out of that machine! DONNA : Oh yes, I know that bit! Listen, have you got that stethoscope? Give it to me. Come on! JENNY : What're you doing? DONNA : It's all right. Just hold still. Donna places the stethoscope to Jenny's chest, first on the left, then on the right. Then she looks at the Doctor. DONNA : Come here. Listen. And then tell me where she belongs. She handles him the stethoscope and makes him hear heartbeats on both sides. He steps back and stares at Jenny. DOCTOR : Two hearts. DONNA : Exactly. JENNY : What's going on? DONNA : Does that mean she's a...? What do you call a female Time Lord? JENNY : What's a Time Lord? DOCTOR : It's who I am. It's where I'm from. JENNY : And I'm from you. DOCTOR : You're an echo, that's all. A Time Lord is so much more. A sum of knowledge. A code. A shared history. A shared suffering. (pause) Only it's gone now. All of it. Gone forever. JENNY : What happened? DOCTOR : There was a war. JENNY : Like this one? He laughs at the absurdity of the comparison. DOCTOR: Bigger. Much bigger. JENNY : And you fought? And killed? DOCTOR (darkly): Yes. JENNY : Then how are we different? [SCENE_BREAK] Martha is talking to the only Hath who stayed in the encampment with her. MARTHA : I need to charge it up, I need power, d'you understand? The Hath is fiddling with the controls of the map, changing it into 3D. MARTHA : There's even more! In 3D! Oh, you're a clever Hath! So this is where everybody's headed? But look... those tunnels sort of zig-zag. If I went up and over the surface in a straight line, I'd get there first. The Hath gurgles, protesting. MARTHA : Why not? He brings up a diagram. MARTHA : Are these readings to the surface? Well it doesn't look too bad. Nitrogen and oxygen about 80:20, that's fine. Ozone levels are high. And some big radiation spikes. But as long as I'm not out there too long... The Hath seems to ask a question. MARTHA : I have to find my friends. She runs off but turns back to the gurgling of the Hath, he seems to ask if he can come too. MARTHA: Come on, then! [SCENE_BREAK] Jenny goes to the cell door to talk with Cline. JENNY : Hey. CLINE : I'm not supposed to talk to you, I'm on duty. JENNY : I know. Guarding me. (flirting) So does that mean I'm dangerous? Or that I need protecting? CLINE : Protecting from what? JENNY : Oh, I don't know. Men like you? She pulls him closer for a kiss, then grabs his gun and points it at him. JENNY : Keep quiet and open the door. During this, the Doctor and Donna were waiting out of sight. DONNA: I'd like to see you try that! [SCENE_BREAK] They walk downstairs, but stop when they notice another guard. DOCTOR : That's the way out. Jenny cocks the gun but the Doctor stops him. DOCTOR : Don't you dare! Donna steps between the two. DONNA : Let me distract this one. I have picked up a few womanly wiles over the years. DOCTOR : Let's... save your wiles for later. In case of emergency. He uses a wind-up mouse to distract the guard, then Jenny steps behind the guard and knocks him out. DOCTOR : I was gonna distract him, not clobber him! JENNY : Well, it worked, didn't it? DOCTOR : They must all have a copy of that new map. Just stay there, don't hurt anyone. [SCENE_BREAK] The Hath are marching down a corridor, then they stop at a point and start to break through the wall. [SCENE_BREAK] Martha and his new friend are heading upstairs, but the Hath starts to protest. MARTHA : You can stay down here and live your whole life in the shadows, or come with me and stand in the open air. Feel the wind on your face. What's it gonna be? (he seems undecided). It's up to you. But nothing's gonna stop me. She climbs out to the surface, the Hath following her. They are on a cold, windy, deserted planet lit by three moons. MARTHA : I knew you couldn't resist it. The Hath gurgles. MARTHA : Er, language! Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] The soldiers find Cline inside the cell, tied up. CLINE : It was the girl. She tricked me, they... they got away. I'm sorry. GENERAL COBB : I waited all my life for this moment. No-one's gonna get in my way. Certainly not this Doctor. At arms! We march! To war! [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor is looking at the map they've taken from the guard. DOCTOR : Wait! This is it. The hidden tunnel. There must be a control panel. He sonics the walls beside the locked door, while Donna notices another number. DONNA : It's another one of those numbers. They're everywhere. DOCTOR: The original builders must've left them. Some old cataloguing system. DONNA: You got a pen? Bit of paper? Cos, d'you see, the numbers are counting down. (the Doctor gives her pen and paper and she takes notes). This one ends in 1-4, the prison cell said 1-6. JENNY : Always thinking, both of you. Who are you people? DOCTOR: I told you. I'm the Doctor. JENNY : The Doctor? That's it? DONNA : That's all he ever says. JENNY : So, you don't have a name either? Are you an anomaly too? DOCTOR : No. DONNA : Oh, come off it! You're the most anomalous bloke I've ever met! The Doctor takes off the cover of the control panel. DOCTOR : Here it is! JENNY : And Time Lords, what are they for exactly? DOCTOR : 'For'? They're not... They're not 'for' anything. JENNY : So what do you do? DOCTOR : I travel. Through time and space. DONNA : He saves planets, rescues civilizations, defeats terrible creatures. And runs a lot. Seriously, there's an outrageous amount of running involved. The door slides open. DOCTOR : Got it! GENERAL COBB (voice from the distance): Squad 5, with me! DOCTOR : Now, what were you saying about running? They run, but soon are stopped by red beams crossing the tunnel, blocking their way. DONNA : That's not mood lighting, is it? The Doctor throws the clockwork mouse into the lights. It bursts into sparkles when it touches the first beam. DONNA : No, I didn't think so. DOCTOR : Arming device. He starts to fiddle with the controls while Donna notices yet another set of numbers. DONNA : There's more of these. Always eight numbers, counting down, the closer we get... DOCTOR : Here we go! DONNA : You better be quick! JENNY (hearing the voice of the soldiers): The General! She turns to run back but the Doctor catches her. DOCTOR : Where are you going? JENNY : I can hold them up. DOCTOR : No, we don't need any more dead. JENNY : But it's them or us. DOCTOR: It doesn't mean you have to kill them! JENNY: I'm trying to save your life! DOCTOR: Listen to me, the killing, after a while it infects you. And once it does you're never rid of it. JENNY : We don't have a choice. DOCTOR : We always have a choice. JENNY: I'm sorry. She runs off. DOCTOR: Jenny! SOLDIERS: This door! Now! The first soldier catches sight of Jenny. SOLDIER: There she is! At arms! Jenny opens fire and the soldiers do the same. Hearing the shots, Donna looks very worried but the Doctor tries not to care. DOCTOR : I told you. Nothing but a soldier. DONNA: She's trying to help. DOCTOR : Jenny! Come on! JENNY: I'm coming! GENERAL COBB : Cease fire! Cease fire! The soldiers stop. At the same time, the Doctor manages to turn off the red beams. DONNA: That's it! DOCTOR: Jenny! Leave it! Let's go! He and Donna run through the now safe corridor hand in hand. General Cobb walks forward, trying to persuade Jenny. GENERAL COBB : You're a child of the machine. You're on my side. Join us! Join us in the war against the Hath. It's in your blood, girl, don't deny it. Jenny takes aim, but then she fires at a pipeline over Cobb's head, and a cloud of steam blocks the soldiers view. She laughs then runs to where she's left the Doctor and Donna. DOCTOR: Jenny! Come on! That's it! DONNA: Hurry up! But just when she reaches the corridor the red beams appear again. DOCTOR: No, no, no, no! The circuit's looped back! DONNA: Zap it back again! DOCTOR: The controls are back there! JENNY: They're coming! DOCTOR: Wait! J-Just...! There isn't...! Jenny, I can't! JENNY: I'll have to manage on my own. Watch and learn, Father! She gets through the blocked corridor with a series of somersaults. DONNA: No way! But that was impossible! DOCTOR: Not impossible. Just a bit unlikely! He hugs Jenny with a proud smile. DOCTOR: Brilliant! You were brilliant! Brilliant! JENNY: I didn't kill him. General Cobb, I could have kill him, but I didn't. You were right. I had a choice. The soldiers arrive to the other end of the corridor. Donna and Jenny go ahead but the Doctor stays to talk to Cobb. GENERAL COBB : At arms! DOCTOR: I warned you, Cobb. If the Source is a weapon, I'm gonna make sure you never use it. GENERAL COBB : One of us is gonna die today and it won't be me. He opens fire and the Doctor runs off too. [SCENE_BREAK] Martha and the Hath are struggling forward on the surface. MARTHA: It can't be much further. (She trips and slips downhills, into a bog. She tries to get out but she can't). Help me! I'm sinking! I'm sinking! Help me! Peck! Help me! Help me, Peck! I'm sinking! (the Hath can't reach her) Oh it's no good. Aaah! The Hath can't help her, so at the end he jumps into the bog too and pushes her out to the shore. But then he himself can't get out and Martha watches him sink slowly. MARTHA: Oh noooo! Noooo! She cries as she watches the motionless surface. [SCENE_BREAK] JENNY: So, you travel together, but you're not... 'together'? DONNA: What? No, no! No way! No, no. We're friends. That's all. I mean, we're not even the same species, there's probably laws against it. Jenny laughs. JENNY: And what's it like, the travelling? DONNA : Ah, never a dull moment. Can be terrifying, brilliant and funny, sometimes all at the same time. I've seen some amazing things though. Whole new worlds. JENNY: Oh, I'd love to see new worlds. DONNA: You will. Won't she, Doctor? DOCTOR: Hm? DONNA: D'you think Jenny will see any new worlds? DOCTOR (with a little smile) : I suppose so. JENNY: You mean... You mean, you'll take me with you? DOCTOR: We can't leave you here, can we? JENNY (hugging him): Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Come on! Let's get a move on! She runs ahead. DOCTOR: Careful, there might be traps! DONNA: Kids! They never listen! (But she notices that the Doctor still looks troubled). Oh, I know that look. See it a lot round our way. Blokes with pushchairs and frowns. You've got dad-shock. DOCTOR: Dad-shock? DONNA: Sudden, unexpected fatherhood. Take a bit of getting used to. DOCTOR: No, it's not that. DONNA: Well, what is it then? Having Jenny in the TARDIS is that it? What's she gonna do, cramp your style? Like you've got a sports car and she's gonna turn it into a people-carrier? DOCTOR: Donna, I've been a father before. DONNA : What? DOCTOR: I lost all that a long time ago. Along with everything else. DONNA: I'm sorry. I didn't know. Why didn't you tell me? You talk all the time, but you don't say anything. DOCTOR: I know. I'm just... When I look at her now I can see them. The hole they left, all the pain that filled it. I just don't know if I can face that every day. DONNA: It won't stay like that. She'll help you. We both will. DOCTOR: But when they died, that part of me died with them. It'll never come back. Not now. DONNA: I tell you something, Doctor, something I've never told you before. I think you're wrong. They hear shooting and Jenny returns to them. JENNY: They've blasted through the beams, time to run again. Love the running! Yeah? DOCTOR: Love the running. They smile at each other before they run again. [SCENE_BREAK] Martha struggles forward on the surface, still wiping tears. But now, she is nearly at the "Temple". [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor, Donna and Jenny reach a dead end. DONNA: We're trapped. DOCTOR: Can't be. This must be the temple. (he touches a panel of the wall) This is a door. DONNA: And again! We're down to 1-2 now... DOCTOR: I've got it! JENNY: I can hear them! DOCTOR: Nearly done. DONNA (still talking about the numbers): These can't be a cataloguing system. JENNY: They're getting closer! DOCTOR: Then get back here! DONNA: They're too similar. Too familiar. JENNY: Not yet. DOCTOR: Now! Got it! The door opens. [SCENE_BREAK] Martha reaches a very similar door on the surface and enters. [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor, Donna and Jenny get inside the "Temple". JENNY: They're coming! Close the door! The Doctor pushes some keys and the door slides closed. JENNY: Oh, that was close! DOCTOR: No fun otherwise! DONNA: It's not what I'd call a temple... JENNY: It looks more like... DOCTOR: Fusion-drive transport. It's a spaceship! DONNA: What, the original one? The one the first colonists arrived in? DOCTOR : Well, it could be, but the power cells would have run down after all that time. This one's still powered-up and functioning. Come on! As they run, they see that someone is cutting through another door. JENNY: It's the Haths! That door's not gonna last much longer. And if General Cobb gets through down there, war's gonna break out. DOCTOR: Look, look, look, look, look! Ship's log! He gets to the controls. DOCTOR: "First wave of Human/Hath co-colonisation of planet Messaline". JENNY: So it is the original ship. DONNA: What happened? DOCTOR: "Phase one. Construction." They used robot drones to build the city. DONNA: But, does it mention the war? The Doctor scrolls down. DOCTOR: Final entry... "Mission commander dead. Still no agreement on who should assume leadership. Hath and humans have divided into factions." That must be it! A power vacuum. The crew divided into two factions and turned on each other. Start using the progenation machines and suddenly you've got two armies fighting a never-ending war! JENNY: Two armies who are now both outside. DONNA: Look at that. She looks at a screen displaying a set of numbers similar to those on the walls. DOCTOR: It's like the numbers in the tunnels. DONNA: No, no, no, no, but listen... I spent six months working as a temp in Hounslow Library, and I mastered the Dewey Decimal System in two days flat. I'm good with numbers! It's staring us in the face! JENNY: What is? DONNA: It's the date! Assuming the first two numbers are some big old space date, then you've got year, month, day. It's the other way round, like it is in America! DOCTOR: Ohhh! It's the New Byzantine Calendar! DONNA: The codes are completion dates for each section. They finish it, they stamp the date on! So the numbers aren't counting down, they're going out, from here, day by day, as the city got built. DOCTOR: Yes! Oh, good work, Donna! DONNA: Yeah! But you're, you're still not getting it. The first number I saw back there, was 6012-07-17. Well, look at the date today! DOCTOR: 07-24. No! JENNY: What does it mean? DOCTOR : Seven days. DONNA: That's it! Seven days! DOCTOR: Just seven days?! JENNY: What d'you mean, seven days? DOCTOR: Seven days since war broke out. DONNA: This war started seven days ago! Just a week! A week! JENNY: They said years! DONNA: No. They said generations. And if they're all like you, and they're products of those machines... DOCTOR: They could have 20 generations in a day! Each generation gets killed in the war, passes on the legend! Ohhh! Donna, you're a genius! JENNY: But all the buildings, the encampments, they're in ruins. DOCTOR: No they're not ruined, they're just empty! Waiting to be populated! Oh, they've mythologised their entire history! The Source must be part of that too. Come on! They run again. They turn around a corner and bump into Martha. MARTHA: Doctor! DOCTOR: Martha! They hug each other. DOCTOR: I should've known you wouldn't stay away from the excitement! MARTHA: Donna! She runs to Donna and they hug too. DONNA: Oooh, you're filthy, what happened?! MARTHA: I, erm, took the surface route. They hear the voice of soldiers. DOCTOR: That's the general! We haven't got much time. DONNA: We don't even know what we're looking for! MARTHA: Is it me, or can you smell flowers? DOCTOR: Yes! Bougainvillea! I say we follow our nose! GENERAL COBB (voice from a distance) : Blocks 7 to 10, advance! With me! The Doctor, Donna, Jenny and Martha reach a place that looks like a huge greenhouse inside the spaceship filled with palms and other exotic plants. DOCTOR: Oh, yes! Yes! Isn't this brilliant? In the middle there's a small place around a pedestal that holds a glass sphere, containing shining gas. DONNA: Is that the Source? JENNY: It's beautiful. MARTHA: What is it? DOCTOR: Terraforming! It's a third generation terraforming device! DONNA: So why are we suddenly in Kew Gardens? DOCTOR: Because that's what it does. All this, only bigger. Much bigger! It's in a transit state. Producing all this must help keep it stable before they finally... The Haths and the humans soldiers appear from the opposite sides, cocking their guns as soon as they catch sight of each other. DOCTOR: Stop! Hold your fire! GENERAL COBB : What is this? Some kind of trap? DOCTOR: You said you wanted this war over. GENERAL COBB : I want this war won. DOCTOR: You can't win. No one can. You don't even know why you're here. Your whole history, it's just Chinese whispers. Getting more distorted the more it's passed on. (pointing to the sphere) This is the Source. This is what you're fighting over. A device to rejuvenate a planet's ecosystem. It's nothing mystical. It's from a laboratory, not some creator. It's a bubble of gases. A cocktail of stuff for accelerated evolution. Methane, hydrogen, ammonia, amino acids, proteins, nucleic acids. It's used to make barren planets habitable. Look around you! It's not for killing, it's bringing life. If you allow it, it can lift you out of these dark tunnels and into the bright, bright sunlight! No more fighting. No more killing. He lifts up the sphere. DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor, and I declare this war is over! He throws it to the ground. The glass ball shatters and the gases escape, shining in gold and green as they spread out in the air. Amazed by the sight, human and Hath both put the guns to the ground. JENNY: What's happening? DOCTOR: The gases will escape and trigger the terraforming process. JENNY: What does that mean? DOCTOR: It means a new world. Jenny laughs with delight, but then she looks at General Cobb, the only one who isn't enchanted by what's happened. He lifts his gun to shoot the Doctor, but Jenny steps in front of him. JENNY: No! The bullet hits her and Jenny collapses into the Doctor's arms, while the soldiers hold down Cobb and take away his gun. DOCTOR: Jenny? Jenny! Talk to me, Jenny! He sits down and takes Jenny into his lap. Martha checks her pulse and the wound. DONNA: Is she gonna be all right? Martha looks at Donna and shakes her head without a word. JENNY (whispering) : A new world. It's beautiful. DOCTOR: Jenny? Be strong, now. You need to hold on. D'you hear me? We've got things to do, you and me. Hey? Hey? We can go anywhere. Everywhere. You choose. JENNY: That sounds good. DOCTOR: You're my daughter and we've only just got started. You're gonna be great. You're gonna be more than great. You're gonna be amazing! You hear me? Jenny? She closes her eyes and dies. The Doctor kisses her forehead in despair, then he finds one last straw to clutch. DOCTOR: Two hearts. Two hearts, she's like me. If we wait... If we just wait... He looks at Martha for support. MARTHA: There's no sign, Doctor. There is no regeneration. She's like you, but... maybe not enough. DOCTOR: No. Too much. That's the truth of it. She was too much like me. He gently puts Jenny to the ground and kisses her one last time. Then he gets up, walks to General Cobb and picks up his gun. He stands there, panting from anger and despair, pointing the gun at Cobb's head. Martha and Donna are shocked to see what he's doing. But then he lowers the gun and crouches down to Cobb. DOCTOR: I never would. Have you got that? I never would! (He stands up again and addresses both fighting parties). When you start this new world. This world of Humans and Haths... remember that! Make the foundation of this society. A man who never would! He throws away the gun and sits back to Jenny's body. [SCENE_BREAK] Jenny is laid out in the theatre room that used to be the human encampment. The Doctor, Donna, Martha, Cline and a Hath are around her. Suddenly, beams of light come through the windows. MARTHA: It's happening. The terraforming. DONNA: Build a city, nice and safe underground. Strip away the top soil. And there it is. (pause) And what about Jenny? CLINE: Let us give her a proper ceremony. I think it'd help us. Please. The Doctor, lost in dark thoughts, nods his approval. [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor, Donna and Martha are back in the TARDIS. DOCTOR: Jenny was the reason for the TARDIS bringing us here. It just got here too soon, which then created Jenny in the first place. Paradox. An endless paradox. Donna and Martha watch him with sympathy. DOCTOR: Time to go home? MARTHA: Yeah. Home. He starts to pull controls, but without his usual enthusiasm. [SCENE_BREAK] Donna and Martha walk down the road of Martha's house. DONNA: You sure about this? MARTHA: Yeah, positive. I can't do this any more. You'll be the same one day. DONNA: Not me. Never! How could I ever go back to normal life after seeing all this? (She looks back to the Doctor who is a few step behind them). I'm gonna travel with that man for ever. They hug each other. MARTHA: Good luck. DONNA: And you. Donna stops while Martha and the Doctor walk a few steps ahead. DOCTOR: We're making a habit of this. MARTHA: Yeah. And you'd think it'd get easier. (she looks at the Doctor) All those things you've been ready to die for. I thought for a moment there you'd finally found something worth living for. DOCTOR: Oh... there's always something worth living for, Martha. They hug. MARTHA: Bye, Doctor. DOCTOR: Goodbye. Doctor Jones. He turns back and walks to the TARDIS with Donna. For a second, Martha seems almost regretting her decision, then she looks at her engagement ring, smiles and rushes into the house. [SCENE_BREAK] Cline and the Hath are preparing Jenny for the ceremony. They put a pillow under her head and a sheet over her body. But suddenly her mouth opens and light comes out, resembling the terraforming substance. Cline and the Hath look at each other bemused. Then they get completely shocked when Jenny opens her eyes and smiles at them. JENNY: Hello, boys. [SCENE_BREAK] Cline and the Hath are looking for Jenny. CLINE: The shuttle! He goes to a panel on the wall. CLINE (over intercom) : Jenny? What're you doing? Come back! Jenny is pushing controls to start the engines of the shuttle. JENNY: Sorry. Can't stop. What you gonna do, tell my dad? CLINE: But where are you going?! JENNY: Oh, I've got the whole universe! Planets to save, civilizations to rescue, creatures to defeat... and an awful lot of running to do! She shoots off to the sky with a huge smile on her face.

The TARDIS takes the Doctor, Martha, and Donna to the planet Messaline. They are met by soldiers working for General Cobb. The soldiers force the Doctor into a progenation machine, which uses his DNA to generate a soldier who becomes the Doctor's daughter. The other occupants of the planet, the Hath , attack, taking Martha hostage. The Doctor and Donna are taken to see Cobb, and Donna names the Doctor's daughter "Jenny". Elsewhere, Martha tends to an injured Hath, and they take her back to their command center. The General explains that they were meant to live with the Hath, but a dispute arose over "the Source". The Doctor inadvertently reveals its location to the humans and the Hath, and the two sides prepare for battle. The Source turns out to be a terraforming device. The Doctor, Martha, Donna, and Jenny make their way to the Source before both armies arrive. The Doctor declares the war to be over and releases the terraforming agent. Cobb tries to shoot the Doctor, but Jenny takes the bullet to the chest and dies. Later, Jenny revives and commandeers a rocket to leave the planet.

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Act 1 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment Daphne is waking up in her room. She rolls over and we say that Joe has stayed the night. Joe: [kissing Daphne] Morning. Daphne: [sleepily] Morning. [realising] Morning? Oh my God, Joe, get up! Get up! You were supposed to be out of here hours ago. [quickly putting on her dressing gown] You promised me that after we did the deed you'd be on your merry way. Joe: I was. Daphne: Get dressed. We've got to get you out of here before Dr. Crane gets up. [Daphne opens her bedroom door and takes a look outside] Oh, no. I smell coffee. They're already up! Joe: Now don't worry. I'll just lay low until the two of them... [notices the clock] Oh my God, it's nine o'clock. I'm a half- hour late for work. Daphne: Just give me a minute. I'll get rid of them. Joe: Where's my underwear? At this point Eddie comes running into the room and makes a dash for Joe's underwear which is lying on the chair. He grabs them and runs back out the room with them. Joe looks a touch dismayed. Daphne: Eddie, get back here! The scene switches to the living room where Frasier is decked out in his squash gear, reading the paper and eating breakfast. Martin comes through tugging at his trousers. Frasier: Good morning. Martin: Maybe for you. I just spent five minutes trying to button these pants. That stupid dryer shrunk another pair on me. Martin grabs an clair and stuffs in it his mouth. Frasier looks on disapprovingly. Frasier: Dad. Before you blame the dryer, have you ever considered stepping on the old bathroom scales? Martin: Oh, what's the point? That thing's been ten pounds off for weeks. In the background, behind Frasier and Martin, Daphne is fighting a "tug-of-war" with Eddie over Joe's underwear. Frasier and Martin turn round to see what the commotion is. Frasier: Daphne? Daphne: Oh. Good morning, Dr. Crane. Sorry I overslept. Well, time we all got our day started. I'll just clear these dishes away. Daphne starts to clear up. Martin: Wait, I wasn't finished with that yet. Daphne: [deliberately dropping the clair into Martin's orange juice] Whoops. Sorry about that. Frasier: Daphne, I wasn't quite finished with that toast either. Daphne: Oh, now, we can't have you running off to your squash game on a full stomach. Frasier: Yes - how many championship matches have been marred by the heartbreak of toast cramp? Daphne: [to Martin] Don't you have that Doctor's appointment? Martin: Yes, but it's not for 20 minutes yet. What's going on here? Why are you giving us the bum's rush? Daphne: Bum's rush! Oh, I just love the American vernacular. So cute. So quick. So long! Martin: [heading through to the bedroom with Frasier following] Better get my wallet first. Damn pants! You know - you spend fifteen dollars on a good pair of pants - you expect them to be shrink resistant. Frasier: Well, Dad, when you pay that kind of money what you're really paying for is the designer name! Daphne beckons Joe through who comes rushing out the bedroom, now fully clothed but with his shoes in his hands. He makes a bolt for the front door. Joe: Gotta go. I'm so late. Daphne: Oh hurry, hurry, hurry! Joe: I'll call you tonight. Daphne: OK. Bye. They kiss goodbye quickly and separate. However they look at each other and have a longer kiss. At this point Frasier and Martin emerge from the bedroom. Frasier: Oh! Hello Joe. Joe: Hi Dr. Crane. I just came by to give Daphne a kiss. Frasier looks suspiciously at him and then looks at the pair of shoes still in Joe's hands. Joe: And drop off these shoes. [Handing shoes to Daphne] Here! Daphne: Oh, thank you. Frasier: Well. Can anyone think of anything to make this moment a bit more awkward than it already is? Cue Eddie who runs in and drops Joe's underwear at Frasier's feet. Frasier: Thank you, Eddie! [SCENE_BREAK] THEY'RE PLAYING DO-SI-DO, BUT NOT FOR ME Scene 2 - Caf Nervosa Frasier and Niles are sitting in caf Nervosa drinking their coffee whilst watching another couple. Niles: Isn't that Dirk and Gabby Bindercott? Frasier: Friends of yours? Niles: Mmm. Filthy rich. Timber money. In their case it really does grow on trees! Dirk! Gabby! Oh, Dirk? Dirk and Gaby are leaving, clearly trying to ignore Niles. However Niles's calling results in Dirk going to speak to him. Dirk: Hello, Niles. Niles: [introducing] Dirk Bindercott - my brother Dr. Frasier Crane. Dirk: Ah - I've heard your program. [checks watch and then the door] Frasier: Well - I've seen your wife. Dirk: So Niles - I suppose I'll see you at the benefit on Sunday. I know Maris is coming. Niles: Yes, Sunday. Which benefit is Sunday? I have so many benefits... on Sunday. Dirk: The ho-down for the homeless. You were invited? Niles: The ho-down? Yippee-kai-yes! Dirk: [hears a tooting horn] Must be Gabby. Niles: Certainly sounds like her. Dirk: See you Sunday. Niles: Yes. Till Sunday. Dirk exits. Niles: I wasn't invited. Frasier: Niles, it's one party. Niles: Yes, but when you're off the A-list for one party you're off for all of them. From now on I'll be relegated to B-list charity events. Grubby little theatre companies and last year's diseases. Frasier: This often happens in these cases when two people separate - their friends choose one spouse over the other. Surely they chose Maris because she's better connected and has more money than you do. Niles: [looking at Frasier thoughtfully] Exactly which part of that was meant to ease my pain? Frasier: Niles, I just think you're overreacting. Niles: Oh wait, wait. I know what happened. My invitation just got lost in the mail. No - it's not so far fetched. It could have been missorted... or a stamp could have fallen off... or it could have been stolen by my mail carrier. Ho-downs are catnip to postal workers! Roz comes into the Caf and joins them. Roz: Well I'd ask you to explain that but then you would! Niles: [getting up] I'm going to check with the post office. You know - I heard a story on the news the other day about a man who bought a piano at auction and when he went to tune it he found a 40-year-old unmailed letter under the sounding board. Frasier: Perhaps we should contact Feronte and Tisha (sp.??) - see if they have your invitation? Niles: Poke fun now. We'll see who feels foolish this Sunday when I'm sipping champagne atop a mechanical bull! Niles exits. Roz: [to waiter] Cappuccino, please. Frasier: Roz, I want to get your take on something. Roz: What? Frasier: Well. Daphne and Joe are having s*x in my apartment and it leaves me in a rather awkward position. Roz: Doing what? Bending over to look through the keyhole? Oh Frasier, come on, what is the big deal? Frasier: Well, let's just say that I'm sitting there listening to music, reading a book... and Daphne and Joe are "back there." Roz: So? Frasier: Well, it just makes me uncomfortable. I'm going to ask Daphne not to sleep with Joe in the house anymore. Is that too...? Roz: Amish? Frasier: I was going to say selfish! Roz: Oh, let's see. Please Daphne - don't have s*x. It disturbs my reading! No, that's not too selfish. Frasier: Well, I just don't think a man should be uncomfortable in his own home. How am I supposed to relax when every giggle, every noise makes me... you know...? Roz: Picture it? Frasier: Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. The very idea. Roz: You're picturing it right now, aren't you? Frasier: Well, you made me. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - Frasier's apartment Martin is sitting in his chair reading the paper. Frasier comes in. Martin: Hey, Fras. Frasier: Hey, Dad. Is Daphne in? Martin: Yeah, and if you have any sense you'll pretend that nothing happened this morning. Frasier: Ah, yes. Denial. The sort of advice I'd expect from a man whose driver's license still lists his hair colour as brown. [going through to Daphne's room.] Martin: It was until you came back to town! Frasier knocks on Daphne's door timidly. Daphne opens the door looking uneasy. Frasier: Daphne. I think we need to discuss what happened this morning. Daphne: It's been bothering me all day. It was entirely my fault. Frasier: No, no. I share the blame. We never did have a formal discussion about the rules of the house, especially when it comes to... you know... Daphne: I do want to apologise for any embarrassment I may have caused. You see, we can't go to Joe's because he's still building his house and he sleeps on a friend's couch. But I can assure you it will never happen again. Frasier: Well, then our business is concluded. Meeting adjourned. Daphne: The next time Joe spends the night, I'll notify you well in advance. Daphne closes her door leaving Frasier looking still unhappy. He knocks again on the door and Daphne opens. Frasier: Daphne. I was just reviewing the minutes of our last meeting. There seems to be some confusion. Daphne: Oh? Frasier: You see, my quibble is not with the lack of notification. I am just not comfortable with you and Joe sleeping together under my roof. Daphne: Oh, I see. I'm sorry about that, but it is my room, isn't it? Frasier: Oh yes, yes. And I want you to feel comfortable living here. Daphne: I suppose it's more important for you to feel comfortable because, as you said, it is your roof. Frasier: Oh. Thank you for understanding. Daphne: Not at all. Joe and I are going away for the weekend but first thing Monday I'm going to start looking for me own place. Daphne shuts the door. As before Frasier realises what she has just said and is still unhappy with this arrangement. He knocks on the door again. Frasier: Guess who? Daphne... em... I don't want you entertaining here but I also don't want you to move out. Daphne: Oh, I see. So you want me to stay, but just not have a personal life? Frasier: Well... Daphne: No, no. That works out fine for me. I'll just spend all day waiting on you and your father, then in the evenings retire to me room, wrap meself in an Afghan and wait for the morning. And if my whimpering gets too loud for you - you can just have me fixed like Eddie! Frasier: That is not what I meant. This is difficult for both of us, Daphne. I have to express my feelings. I also don't want to lose you. You're very important to me and my father. Daphne: That's why my solution is best. I'll still be here during the day to take care of your father but nights and weekends I'll just go home to my own place. On top of which you can turn this room back into your beautiful study you used to have. Frasier: Well - I suppose, what other choice do we have? Daphne: Of course it'll be a period of adjustment for all of us... Whilst she is talking Frasier begins to look round the room and a smile starts to form on his face. Daphne: ...I know how much you two care about me and consider me part of the family but... [notices Frasier's smiling face] You're picturing your study right now, aren't you? Frasier: [sheepishly] Well, you made me! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 4 - Frasier's apartment Daphne is away for the weekend so it's just Frasier and Martin in the house. Frasier is in the living room whilst Martin is in the kitchen making breakfast. The house is looking a bit of a mess with newspapers strewn about the floor. Eddie is watching everything from the chair. Martin: [singing] She's such a groovy lady! Frasier: Morning, Dad. Martin: Oh, morning. Frasier: [picking up the newspapers and looking around him] You seen the phone? Martin: Oh, I probably left it in my room again. Sorry. Hey, I'm making breakfast Burritos. You want one? Frasier: I'll passo! Martin: Suit yourself. Martin comes out the kitchen carrying his breakfast. He's wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts and a vest. Frasier frowns at him but Martin just carries on eating his breakfast. Frasier: Dad. Whatever happened to the silk pajamas I bought you? Martin: Oh, Frasier, they're too la-dee-da for me. Besides, they shrank! [a beep comes from the kitchen] Whoa - there go my tater-tots. You want a pile? Frasier: Not that I don't enjoy a "pile" of breakfast as much as the next guy but I still think no. Dad, are you planning on going around like that all weekend? Martin: Yeah, why not? Daphne's off on her little trip. It's just us guys. Besides I've been wearing pants round here for three years. Enough! Frasier: I see. Look Dad, I just have to do this [puts an apron on over Martin] Martin: All right. Now, listen. It's no big deal but I couldn't find the remote control for the TV last night. Now I thought we agreed that its place was on that table next to my chair. Frasier: What was it like in the old days when you actually had to get up to change the channel? Martin: It was hell! The doorbell rings and Frasier goes to answer. Martin: You expecting someone? Frasier: The contractor. I'm getting an estimate on restoring my study. Martin: Why don't you use Joe? Frasier: I think Joe's done enough work in that room, thank you! Frasier opens the door to the contractor. Frasier: Henry. Thank you for coming on such short notice. Henry: No sweat. Frasier: I'll just show you the room. [leads Henry towards Daphne's room passing Martin at the table on the way] Oh, this is my father. [to Martin, forcefully] Don't get up! Like a cup of coffee? Henry: That'd be great. Frasier: Fine. Look, the room is right down the hall there to the right. I'll meet you there. Henry: OK. Henry heads on to Daphne's room. Frasier goes through to the kitchen before emerging again with a sponge. Frasier: Oh, Dad. This is a small thing but you left the sponge in the sink again. Martin: So? Frasier: Well, as I mentioned last evening, if it stays wet, not only does it begin to smell but it becomes a breeding ground for bacteria. Martin: So? Frasier: So. If I were to say wipe up that salsa that you spilled on the table just now I would be leaving behind bacteria such as salmonella, lysteria, flagella. Now wouldn't that bother you? Martin: Yeah, I guess you're right - it would bother me. I wouldn't dream of touching that sponge now! Martin whistles in Eddie's direction. Eddie responds by leaping up on to the chair and licking up the salsa on the table much to Martin's delight and Frasier's derision. Frasier: Ah, yes. Our own foul-breathed little handy wet! End of Act 1 [SCENE_BREAK] Act 2 HE CRIED WITH HIS BOOTS ON Scene 1 - Frasier's apartment Frasier comes through to the living room to find the television blaring and newspapers strewn all over the couch. Martin comes through from the kitchen. Martin: [turning off a light] You've been leaving lights on in the apartment all weekend. You know what that does to the electric bill? Frasier: Suppose there's a nuclear power plant they had to build to keep that television on day and night? Frasier picks up the remote and switches the television off. Martin has just settled into his chair. Martin: You moved my chair again, didn't you? Frasier: No! Martin: Oh well, maybe Eddie did it. Eddie, you move my chair? 'Cause Frasier said he didn't do it and Frasier never messes around with my stuff. Frasier: All right, I moved your damn chair. The way you have it turned ruins the symmetry of the room. The sight line loses all flow. Martin: Oh, the sight line. And here I thought it was for some dumb reason. The doorbell rings and Frasier, becoming increasingly exasperated as he goes to answer it, notices Eddie sitting on the couch. Frasier: Would you get Eddie off of the couch, or else it's down through the garbage chute for the thrill ride of his life! Frasier opens the door to reveal Niles wearing a suit and a slightly oversized cowboy hat. The two do not go! Frasier: Well, howdy partner. Niles: Save your snippy remarks. Frasier: Fair enough. Say, am I crazy or is there a bright golden haze on the meadow? Niles: Stop it. I'm in the middle of a social crisis. I just drove to the ho-down for the homeless assuming that Maris had simply neglected to forward my invitation. Well, not only was I not on the guest list but Nelson, the parking attendant, said he missed me at "The Luau for Lupus." Now it is official. I'm a social outcast. Frasier: Oh Niles, why do you even care about those people? In your hour of need they pretend you don't even exist. They treat you like you're a leper, a non-person. Niles: But I really, really like them. I know, I know - it makes me sound pathetic. But I'm newly separated. These people have been my social circle for ten years. Frasier - they're my tribe. Frasier: Well, I hate to break this to you, "Waltzes With Snobs," but they have left you on the mountaintop to die! Martin: [coming in from the kitchen] Now Niles, maybe your friends wanted to invite you but they probably thought you'd be upset seeing Maris there. Niles: Of course. You're absolutely right. Frasier: Oh, that's ridiculous. Niles: Oh, why are you so negative? These people do care about me. Frasier: Oh fine, very well. Why don't you just call them? Prove to me I'm wrong. Niles: Nothing would give me greater pleasure. Where's your phone? Martin: It's in my bedroom. Frasier: Where else would it be? [speaking to Niles as he goes through to Martin's bedroom] And Dad's electric shaver is in the kitchen. You see, all our appliances are on an adventure this weekend. Martin: Well, are you proud of yourself, stirring things up? Why didn't you just let him think his friends were doing him a favour? Frasier: Ah, yes. The Martin Crane approach. Better living through denial! Martin: You did the same thing with Daphne. You couldn't just pretend that nothing was going on back there. Frasier: Dad, I'm a psychiatrist. I don't pretend. I confront. I resolve. Martin: [sarcastic] Oh yeah, you really resolved this. Now she's moving out. You know, I swear you just go looking for trouble. Frasier: Oh, that is so untrue. He walks into the kitchen before walking out with the sponge held at arm's length by a pair of tongs. Frasier: AND PERHAPS YOU CAN EXPLAIN THIS!!! Martin: A grown man's obsession with a sponge? No, I can't! Frasier: For the last two days I've asked you again and again as politely as I can to wring out the sponge. But you don't even have the consideration to respect my feelings. Martin: Because your feelings are stupid! Frasier: But they're my feelings! And important to me! And because of that you should have the courtesy to respect them. Martin: Just like you respect my feelings when I asked you not to move my chair. Frasier: Oh, that makes no sense at all. Martin: Oh, all right. [gets up out of his chair and takes the sponge out of Frasier's hand and goes through to the kitchen] You want me to dry that sponge? I'll dry that sponge! [Martin puts the sponge into the toaster] Give it about a minute. Frasier: Oh, that's mature. Martin: Oh, boy - you know what a tortured little world you live in? Newspapers strewn all over the place. Sponge germs coming after you. It's a wonder you can sleep at night! Frasier: Oh, my dreams get me by. Like the one where I strap you in your chair and run around the house turning on all the lights... By now Frasier is running round like a demented madman turning on each and every light in the house. Frasier: ...even in the rooms I'm nowhere near. Boy, that electric meter must really be spinning now! Daphne arrives home from her weekend away with Joe. Daphne: Evening, all. Did you boys have a nice weekend? Martin: [sarcastic] Barrel of laughs! Daphne: Well, I had the loveliest time. [notices Eddie on the couch] Hey - Off! [picking up the newspapers on the floor] We found this little bed-and-breakfast right up the coast. [moves the remote control to Martin's table] I talked my decision over with Joe, [moves Martin's chair back to its original place] and he agreed it really is the best thing for everyone. Of course I'll still be here during the day to help your father with his exercises. [cleans up the table] But nights and weekends it'll just be you two carefree bachelors getting into trouble together. [puts one of the lights off before heading into the kitchen] I'm usually just underfoot around here anyway. [puts the newspapers in the bin then wrings the sponge out] So you see, my decision is best for everyone. Well, I've had a long weekend, so good night. Frasier: Night, Daphne. Daphne heads off to her bedroom. Frasier and Martin are quiet, contemplating how Daphne has just sorted everything in one swoop. Martin: Frasier. Frasier: What? Martin: You know how an Oreo has that soft creamy filling between two hard cookies? That's what keeps them together? Frasier: See your point, Dad. Martin: Daphne's kind of the centre. Frasier: I'll go and talk to her. Martin: Now, you and me, we'd be the cookie part. Frasier: I get it! Frasier goes through to Daphne's bedroom and knocks on the door. Daphne opens. Frasier: May I come in? Daphne: Yes, of course. Frasier: Thank you, Daphne. Daphne... er... you can't go. You have to stay. I've only just recently realised how important you are to us. You see, if you go, Dad and I will kill each other. I'm not just tossing out hyperbole here. I'm speaking in the most literal sense. Dad and I - both dead! Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue. You don't really want that on your conscience, do you? Daphne: No, of course not. Truth is, I do still think of this place as my home. But I know you'd never be comfortable knowing Joe and I were... Frasier: I'd be willing to try. Daphne: I know you better than that. It'll bother you and we'll both be miserable. Frasier: Why can't I get past this? Oh, it'd just be easier if I could be like my father pretending you weren't in here making love. Daphne: Making love? Is that what you think we were doing? Frasier: Yes, of course. Daphne: Oh no. There was nothing like that going on in here. Frasier: Really? Seems rather implausible. I'd like to believe that and believe me I really do want to... er... how can I? Daphne: Well, how could Joe and I make love? What with... er... Joe's war injury? Frasier: I didn't even know Joe was a soldier. What war would that be? Daphne: The Falkland Islands. Frasier: But that was a British conflict and Joe's not... Daphne: His parents have a summerhouse there! Frasier: Oh, that's very unfortunate. Having a summerhouse in a war zone. But how-? Daphne: He was kicked by a sheep. Frasier: A sheep? Daphne: Yes, a sheep - spooked by an air raid siren. Work with me. Frasier: [now clearly pretending to believe whatever he is told - no matter how insane it is] Oh, I see. So, what you're saying is that Joe... Daphne: Can't. Frasier: Ah. Well, I suppose that changes everything. Daphne: Yes, I suppose it does. But just so as we're clear - even though there's no actual lovemaking, Joe and I can on occasion, say, read poems to each other in here at night? Frasier: As long as you don't read too loudly. Frasier leaves and Daphne looks extremely pleased with herself. Frasier goes back through to the living room to find Martin sitting in his chair reading the paper. Frasier: She's staying. Turns out they're sleeping together but not having s*x. [Martin looks puzzled] See, they can't have s*x because of an injury Joe suffered when kicked by a spooked sheep during an air raid while his family were vacationing in the Falkland Islands during the war. Martin just nods his head in agreement. Niles walks through from the bedroom. Niles: Well, Dad was right. They are my real friends. It was all just a misunderstanding. Apparently the social chairman's dog ate my invitation. And the poor animal had to go to the vet and with all the confusion they forgot to send me another, and when I offered my new address for next year's party, they said, "no need - we'll see you around." Martin: [joining into the spirit of the now-blatant lying as he tugs at his trousers] I'm going to start wearing sweat pants. That damned drier again. Hey, you guys want some cookies? They're reduced fat. Frasier: Really? That means we can eat twice as many. The boys all continue to talk to each other - quite happy in their own worlds of make-believe. End of Act 2 [SCENE_BREAK] Daphne is in the kitchen pouring orange juice in the morning. Frasier and Martin are standing in the background. Daphne pours three glasses but then walks past them both and heads towards her bedroom, carrying all three. Martin and Frasier look extremely concerned and go to follow her. However Daphne comes back round the corner laughing at them and hands them a glass each.

After spending the night together at Frasier's place, Daphne and Joe try to conceal the fact from Frasier and Martin at breakfast. The situation does not bother Martin, but Frasier feels uncomfortable at the idea of them sleeping together under his roof, and he expresses his concern to Daphne. She explains that Joe's house is under construction, so given Frasier's feelings she decides to look for her own place. After Frasier and Martin spend a weekend together without her in the apartment, they miss her calming influence. Meanwhile, Niles is finding that his separation from Maris is cutting him off from several high-profile social events.

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"Fire in the Ice" [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to ice rink. Whistle blows. Booth skating around on ice. Shots of various other ice hockey players from both teams.) REFEREE: Let's have a nice clean game, everyone. (Referee throws puck onto ice) Down. BOOTH: Come on, move the puck, (skates out of shot) Wendell! Move it! Move the puck! WENDELL: (off screen) Up here, Booth. Up here! FIREDAWG: Back on D. BOOTH: Pick 'em up, on D, pick 'em up. (Brennan, Cam and Sweets in stands watching the game) BRENNAN + CAM: Go, Booth! Go, Booth! Go, Booth! SWEETS: Wow CAM: Kill 'em, Booth! (Booth smashes Firedawgs player in to the screen in front of supporters.) BRENNAN: What did he do that for? CAM: It's what Booth does. Keeps the other team honest. He's what you call an enforcer. BRENNAN: What, like law enforcement? CAM: Yeah, okay. Well, let's go with that. (Firedawgs player smashes into Wendell, knocking him down) BOOTH: Oh, what was that? What about the crosscheck? Ref, are you blind? WENDELL: Pass it! I'm open! Pass it! I'm open! BOOTH: Pick him off! (Firedawgs score a goal) PETE CARLSON: Yeah! BOOTH: That was a cheap shot, Carlson. ED FRALIC: Yeah, you guys suck. REFEREE: That's 24 blue, two minutes for charging. BOOTH: For what? What about the crosscheck back there, huh? REFEREE: Get in the box! ALEX PINNA: Come on, man. It's hockey. BOOTH: Club hockey, and some of us have to go work in the morning, all right, pal? (Referee separates Booth from Carlson) REFEREE: Enough. Let's go. ALEX PINNA: Carlson, calm down! Skate away. REFEREE: Just go in the box. Go on, get in there and sit down. CARLSON: Yeah, sit down, crybaby. (Booth gets into penalty box, right next to where Brennan, Cam and Sweets are sitting.) REFEREE: Let's go. Let's go. BRENNAN: So, this is punitive, right? To be sent to this little area here? BOOTH: Keep your head up next time, number 12. Keep your head up. CARLSON: Yeah, yeah, I'll be waiting. BOOTH: Come on! CAM: It's called a penalty box, you know, send in. SWEETS: Yeah, Booth committed a penalty when he checked the big guy when he didn't have the puck. ED FRALIC: Stay with him, Carlson. Just stay with him. (Carlson trips Wendell) BOOTH: There's a hit right there, Ref, that you missed again BRENNAN: Booth seems quite anxious to get out of the disciplinary box. SWEETS: Yeah, I've never seen him this agitated before. BOOTH: Open man! Open man! (Firedawgs score and celebrate) BRENNAN: That's not good, right? SWEETS + CAM: No. (Booth returns to ice) BRENNAN: Go, Booth! (referee throws down puck) Wendell might get a basket! (Carlson takes down Wendell) BOOTH: Elbow, Ref! Elbow! BRENNAN: Is Wendell okay? SWEETS: That can't be legal. CAM: It definitely is not. (Whistle blows) Come on, Ref, you got to call BOOTH: Come on, what are you doing, Carlson? CARLSON: Want to go? (Booth and Carlson fighting) BOOTH: Come on, come on. Let's go. Come on, let's go. CAM: (off screen) Come on, Booth! BOOTH: You're a dirty player, Carlson. ALEX PINNA: Come on, bro. Get your hands free. Get your hands free. BOOTH: You don't take shots at my guys. You got that? Ends here. Okay, Carlson? Ends here. BRENNAN: Booth seems to be winning. CAM: Well, it's not Booth I'm worried about. ED FRALIC: That guy's out of control. ALEX PINNA: No more. REFEREE: I'm gonna have to call a game misconduct on that one. BOOTH: All right. You get up off the ice, we'll finish this in the parking lot. Come on. If you did your job, I wouldn't have to do it for you. Look at him. (Booth skates away) He's hitting my guys. You all right, buddy? Son of a bitch. (Clapping and Booth picks up Wendell) Get up. You all right? WENDELL: Oh, did I score, man? BOOTH: Oh, yeah. Yeah... Come on. BRENNAN: I do not know how I feel about this. SWEETS: It's very primal. CAM: I like it just a little too much. PLAYERS ON ICE: Come on, team. All right, come on, let's focus. (Cut to locker room) BOOTH: So, you still seeing double? WENDELL: Only when I open more than one eye. Your hand's busted. BOOTH: Yeah, well, you know, guy left his helmet on. (Brennan opens door to locker room) BRENNAN: Hey, you two all right? (pause) What? BOOTH: Want to wait outside? BRENNAN: But your hand might be broken. Do you want me to look at it? BOOTH: No, it's all right. You can wait outside please. It's a men's locker room, Bones. (Brennan closes the door) (Cut to icy river. A man (Len) and his son (Leo) are sat down inside a wooden shack) LEN: There comes a time in ice fishing when it's time for the father to turn the drilling over to his son. LEO: Man, this is a great day. You give me a beer, let me run the augur. LEN: Yup. You're 18,Leo. You start drilling holes, it's safety first. You got me? LEO: Yeah. LEN: Nothing I'm saying here applies only to ice augurs. You get me? LEO: All right. LEN: Good. You know, that way, you don't fall through the ice and die, or get a disease, or get pregnant. LEO: Dad, come on. LEN: Okay. Go ahead. LEO: All right. LEN: Atta boy. Keep her perpendicular. Once you get it in a little bit, you can speed her up, let her rip. All right, let her rip. LEO: Dad, she-she's bleeding. I... she's bleeding. (Blood around the freshly drilled hole in the snow) LEN: Pull out. Pull out. LEO: Oh, I hope that's fish. (Len clears the snow away to reveal a head under the ice) LEN: You better go wait in the truck. (Cut to Brennan and Booth, with his arm in a cast, in a white tent with various FBI and police standing around) BOOTH: Hey, uh, what do you think there, Bones? BRENNAN: I would surmise that the body went into the lake before it froze, then the lake froze, then the body floated up and became attached to the bottom of the ice. BOOTH: I meant, was he murdered? BRENNAN: Oh, Um, maybe. Could have been an accident or a suicide, except... (Booth sticking pen inside of his cast) Oh, you shouldn't do that. BOOTH: It itches, okay? Yeah, well, except for what? BRENNAN: Trauma to the left maxillary orbit suggests violence. It's kind of gross, what you're doing. BOOTH: Gross? You got your finger in some guy's maxillary orbit. BRENNAN: I don't think there's anything else to be learned here, so let's get this Popsicle back to the lab. BOOTH: Hey, look at that. Bones, you made a joke. BRENNAN: Well, I can be quite amusing. BOOTH: Wait a second. (picks up necklace) BRENNAN: Booth, you aren't wearing any gloves. BOOTH: Bones, I...Remember that guy I punched out last month during my hockey game? Pete Carlson? BRENNAN: Yes. When you broke your hand. BOOTH: That's him. I'm a suspect. (Booth hands over necklace) Here. (Opening credits) (Cut to FBI office, Brennan and Perotta sat at the table, with Caroline stood by the table and Booth stood in the doorway) CAROLINE: Given that Agent Booth is currently the prime suspect in this murder... BRENNAN: We don't know it's a murder. BOOTH: Oh, look at that-- I'm the prime suspect. CAROLINE: Agent Payton Perotta here will be working with Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: I won't work the case without Booth. PEROTTA: In that case, I invite Agent Booth's continued participation. In the background as an advisor. CAROLINE: Agent Payton Perotta has earned bachelors degrees in both forensic science and criminology. BRENNAN: Well, anything short of a doctorate is virtually useless at my level. CAROLINE: How would you like to proceed, darling? BOOTH: Well, it's pretty obvious. We definitely want to interrogate the primary suspect, right? PEROTTA: Yeah. (Cut to Medico Legal Law - Autopsy Bay. Wendell and Cam on either side of the table, Hodgins at a microscope on the side) CAM: Based on decomp, I'd put time of death at about five days prior to freezing. WENDELL: Local cops say the lake froze over three weeks ago. HODGINS: Aside from some dormant anopheles mosquito larvae, I imagine whatever the water from the lake tells us, it'll be through a microscope. WENDELL: If Booth is a suspect, then I should be, too. This guy scrambled my brains. CAM: Your alibi is that you were seeing double and being taken care of by your mother. HODGINS: I'll get on the fluid samples you took from the lungs and oesophagus. Could be the vic was drowned somewhere else and then dumped in the lake. CAM: No. Drowning's not the way Booth would kill someone. Not that I actually suspect Booth. At all. (stuttering) Quit staring at me. (Hodgins and Wendell exchange looks) (Cut to interrogation room. Booth and Perotta on opposite sides of the table) BOOTH: In the course of the game, the victim and I exchanged blows. PEROTTA: Who initiated the fight? BOOTH: It was hockey. PEROTTA: So, it was spontaneous combustion? BOOTH: The guy hit two of my players. The-The ref-- he didn't catch that. PEROTTA: And that made you angry? BOOTH: Not angry enough, you know, to chase him down after the game and kill him. PEROTTA: So, where did you go after the game? BOOTH: Uh, Bones drove me and Wendell to the hospital. PEROTTA: So, alibi that night or the next? BOOTH: Bones and I are just partners. PEROTTA: Okay. Now you're answering questions I had no intention of asking. Is it your contention that, uh, your argument with the victim was constrained to the ice? BOOTH: That is my contention. PEROTTA: 'Cause I have a-a witness who stated you told Carlson, and I quote, "You get up off that ice, and we'll settle this out in the parking lot." BOOTH: Trash talking. PEROTTA: Let me cut to the chase here. Did you kill Pete Carlson? BOOTH: No. PEROTTA: Did you dump his body in the lake? BOOTH: No, I did not, Agent Perotta. PEROTTA: Do you feel that your experience as the child of an abusive alcoholic has made you more prone to violence? BOOTH: Excuse me. (Gets up and leaves room, slamming door. Walks through hallway to room behind the mirror, where Sweets is standing) What the hell are you doing? SWEETS: It's part of my job to assist the interrogating agent. BOOTH: You know I didn't murder anyone, Sweets, all right? So what you're doing right now is you're just studying me. SWEETS: That's part of our agreement, too. BOOTH: You have a question for me, you ask me yourself. Don't use her. SWEETS: All right, okay, two questions. One: am I picking up some sexual tension between you and Agent Perotta? BOOTH: How the hell do I know what you're picking up? SWEETS: Okay. Uh, two: underneath your affable exterior is a deep reservoir of rage. My question is, do you always have that under control? BOOTH: You know, if I didn't, you'd be dead right now instead of just wincing. SWEETS: I'm not wincing. BOOTH: Don't ever bring my old man up again. (turns and leaves, slamming door) SWEETS: Rats. I winced. (Cut back to interrogation room, Booth re-enters and sits down) BOOTH: So... Do you have any more questions? Thank you. PEROTTA: Yeah. You work out much? BOOTH: Yeah, I'm pretty consistent. PEROTTA: You look like you take excellent care of yourself. (zoom out to see Sweets behind mirror, walking away) SWEETS: Okay, this is useless. (Cut to Medico Legal Lab - Workroom. Cam and Wendell are looking at x-rays) WENDELL: Both patellas are fractured. CAM: As though he'd fallen to his knees? WENDELL: Yeah, with a great deal of force. CAM: During a hockey game? WENDELL: No, not if he wore pads. I believe that this is the cause of death. CAM: Penetration of the lachrymal sac here, deep into the inferior orbital fissure. WENDELL: Yeah, I would have thought a small calibre bullet, but... CAM: No sign of bullet fragments. WENDELL: Yeah. (Cut to Pete Carlson's apartment. Booth, Brennan and Perotta enter with Connie Withers) CONNIE WITHERS: This is Pete's apartment. He wasn't the best housekeeper. PEROTTA: Ms. Withers, was Mr. Carlson up to date on his rent? BOOTH: Good question. Great start. CONNIE WITHERS: Uh, yes. Mostly. 500 bucks short. He didn't need much. He was a big kid at heart. Poor Pete. What he really loved was hockey. I wouldn't be surprised if that's why he joined the volunteer fire department. I even got him this necklace. Crossed hockey sticks. PEROTTA: You attended his games? CONNIE WITHERS: Oh, all of them. Yeah. PEROTTA: You were a couple? BRENNAN: It looks like someone went through all of his belongings and then left them on the floor. CONNIE WITHERS: Oh, it always looked like that. PEROTTA: The car outside with the flat tires, is that his? CONNIE WITHERS: Yeah, somebody slashed the tires just before he disappeared. PEROTTA: Why didn't you report him missing? CONNIE WITHERS: I thought maybe, uh... I thought he was staying with someone else. PEROTTA: There's a lot of bills here. (looking at envelopes) "Final notice, past due..." BRENNAN: Looks like he couldn't afford to feed his fish, either. PEROTTA: "Albie,Thursday,11:00 p.m." (takes post-it-note from wall) Do you know who Albie is? CONNIE WITHERS: I don't know. BRENNAN: This is blood. BOOTH: It's a hockey jersey, Bones. You know, hockey players bleed sometimes when they play the game. PEROTTA: Ms. Withers, how bad were his financial problems? CONNIE WITHERS: Well, a couple days before Pete disappeared, he asked me for $2,000. PEROTTA: Did he say what for? CONNIE WITHERS: He liked me. You know? He was one of these guys, he... he didn't say much, but he could be real sweet. And a man borrows money from a woman, it means there's a bond of trust, right? BRENNAN: I don't understand your reasoning. BOOTH: I do. It's definitely a bond of trust. You're absolutely right. PEROTTA: We're terribly sorry for your loss. (Cut to Medico Legal Lab - Autopsy Bay. Cam looking at body, Brennan walks in) BRENNAN: Is that our victim? CAM: Yes. The last of the tissue samples. Wendell can clean the skeleton now and you can do your thing. BRENNA: You still think cause of death was a projectile through the left eye? CAM: Yes, but since we found no bullet, nor any indication of gunpowder residue in the wound, we're stumped as to what kind of projectile. BRENNAN: The alveolus around the incisor is cracked, the socket caked with blood. This is a recent loss. CAM: Well, he was a hockey player. BRENNAN: So basically, we're talking about gladiators. CAM: And I love it. BRENNAN: Perhaps the sight of males battling stimulates the part of your brain which has so far failed to find a suitable mate. (Hodgins enters) CAM: And thank God you're here. HODGINS: The water I found in the victim's oesophagus, not from the lake. Lake water is microorganism infested. Water in his throat, deionized brine water. CAM: He was killed, then dumped in the ocean then dumped in the lake? HODGINS: Deionized brine water freezes clear. It contains an anti-freezing agent, which I know sounds counterintuitive... BRENNAN: Ice rinks. HODGINS: Kind of jumped my punch line there, Dr. B. But, yes. We should see what rinks are closest to the lake. CAM: It's the one Booth played at. BRENNAN: I find it interesting that the evidence keeps pointing toward Booth. (Close up on body) (Cut back to ice rink. Practice going on in background, Perotta and Booth talking to Dave Simms and Ed Fralic) DAVE SIMMS: Pete Carlson was murdered? ED FRALIC: Pete, he's indestructible. DAVE SIMMS: Not so indestructible. This guy took him down a few notches. Made him stay down, too. BOOTH: Well, it was the heat of the game. All right, your guy crossed the line. ED FRALIC: He was our enforcer. Took the job real serious. DAVE SIMMS: Well, whoever got Pete must've got a drop on him. Pete wouldn't go easy. PEROTTA: You mind my asking why nobody reported him missing? ED FRALIC: Well, the night after you flattened Pete, we go up against the State Police. Then Pete gets into a beef with a big State Police left-winger. DAVE SIMMS: 'Cause you handed him his ass on a platter, Pete maybe had something to prove that night. BOOTH: You got a name? DAVE SIMMS: Hey, Alex? Yo! Come here! ED FRALIC: The fuzz player that Pete got into it with his last game, do you remember his name? ALEX PINNA: Yeah, Lou Herrin, number five. ED FRALIC: Pete took Herrin down with a real cheap shot. He got tossed out the rest of the season. PEROTTA: Any chance that Pete and this guy, Herrin, continued their fight off the ice? DAVE SIMMS: People threaten. ED FRALIC: Yeah, but nobody carries through. BOOTH: Yeah, keep it on the ice, right? ED FRALIC: If I were you, I would talk to Chloe. PEROTTA: Who's Chloe? ED FRALIC: Chloe Bratton. DAVE SIMMS: Chloe's a puck bunny. Her and Pete put in some quality mattress time before he dumped her. ALEX: Well, mattress really isn't, uh, Chloe's style. No offense. PEROTTA: None taken. I favour backseats myself. (Chloe spinning around on the ice) (Cut to Perotta and Booth talking to Chloe in stands above ice rink) CHLOE: I can't believe Pete's gone. PEROTTA: How long ago did you two break up? CHLOE: Break up? We didn't break up. BOOTH: His teammates think you did. CHLOE: No, we had this on-again/off-again thing. It was casual. No biggie. PEROTTA: So you didn't mind that he slept with different women? CHLOE: I wouldn't have minded if he did, but I happen to know he didn't. BOOTH: Well, I happen to know, that he did. Right. CHLOE: Who? PEROTTA: Oh it doesn't matter, does it? Given that your relationship was so, um, casual? BOOTH: You slashed his tires, didn't you? PEROTTA: Agent Booth... CHLOE: No. PEROTTA: We can prove you did it, Chloe, so here's the deal: you tell us the truth from now on, and we won't charge you with vandalism and obstruction of justice, okay? BOOTH: Let's try this again. You slashed... PEROTTA: Agent Booth? BOOTH: Yes. Of course. PEROTTA: Let's try this again. You slashed his tires, didn't you? CHLOE: Yes. I mean, he was sleeping with someone else. I got passions that take over sometimes. You know how it is when the guy you give yourself to just goes off with someone else. PEROTTA: Who's, um, Albie? CHLOE: Albie? Albie runs this poker game in back of a Chinese food joint off I Street. Probably why Pete was broke all the time. So, who'd you say Pete was sleeping with? PEROTTA:I think we've got enough information for today, Ms. Bratton. Thank you very much for your cooperation. BOOTH: Thanks. (Cut to Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Brennan, Wendell, Cam and Angela around a table with the bones on) CAM: Any luck with the murder weapon? BRENNAN: Yes. We are certain it is not a screwdriver. CAM: Well, the blood on the victim's jersey was all his own. BRENNAN: The rib cage has been bruised. WENDELL: It has? BRENNAN: Yes. See this vague pattern of bone bruising? WENDELL: Yeah, it extends from the right clavicle through anterior ribs four through eight. BRENNAN: He was struck repeatedly. ANGELA: Like, by a hockey stick? During the game maybe? WENDELL: Not during. The, um, padding would prevent that kind of bruising. I'll take a closer look. I can't believe I missed that. (Cam signalling to Brennan. Brennan mouths "What?" Cam continues to nod towards Wendell) BRENNAN: No, I can't believe you missed that, either. (Wendell turns and leaves) CAM: I was signalling you to encourage Wendell by saying anyone could've missed that, but... BRENNAN: You should have said so. Booth says I stink at nonverbal communication. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Perotta and Booth entering Chinese restaurant) PEROTTA: She said in the back BOOTH: Okay, well, just don't be pulling your gun until you go through the kitchen, or Mama-san there is going to hit the panic button. Okay, just... (Booth stops to remove gun from his ankle holster) PEROTTA: Ah, so you're ready to risk a gunfight with your weapon in the wrong hand? BOOTH: I don't have a wrong hand. PERTOTTA: I'm curious. When you shoot with your left hand, does it feel like somebody else is shooting? (Booth breaks through door. Booth and Perotta raise their guns and men inside point guns at them) PEROTTA: What do we do now? BOOTH: Okay, FBI. Okay, I'd reach for my badge right now, but, you know... PEROTTA: Drop your weapons, please. BOOTH: "Please"? The FBI does not say "please." Okay, look. I really don't care about the illegal gambling. I just want to talk to a guy named Albie about a guy named Pete Carlson. ALBIE: I'm Albie. (Cut to back room - Booth, Perotta and Albie sat at table) ALBIE: First rule: don't kill the people who owe you money. All you get then is trouble and no money. PEROTTA: How much money did Carlson owe you? BOOTH: Okay, so you got your operation shut down and moved out? Because I can have my guys here in about what, three minutes to mop that back room up? ALBIE: Pete Carlson was not a bad player most of the time, but... you know, every once in a while... BOOTH: He got brave and lost everything, huh? ALBIE: Gamble a bit yourself, do you? BOOTH: I'm reformed. PEROTTA: Tell me, when was the last time Carlson got, um, brave? ALBIE: Last month. But he paid up in full a couple days later. PEROTTA: Cash? (Albie takes bracelet from around her wrist and puts it on the table.) BOOTH: Little garish, don't you think? ALBIE: I don't know where Pete got it, but it covered his debt. PEROTTA: I'm going to have to take this. ALBIE: If I didn't intend to give it to you, you'd never have seen it. Okay, you gave me the time I needed to move my operation, I gave you evidence. I call us square. You decide to get back into the game, you look me up. BOOTH: Right. Yeah. PEROTTA: Well, we gonna call this in? BOOTH: Oh, no point. Like the woman said, she's moved on. (Cut to ice rink. Perotta, Brennan and Booth go onto ice, with Booth slipping and nearly falling) BRENNAN: Hodgins confirmed that the traces of rink water in the victim's oesophagus came from this rink. BOOTH: Well, how did rink ice get into his throat? BRENNAN: He was beaten, then a sharp instrument was thrust into his eye. There should be bloodstains. PEROTTA: You're going to scan the ice with one little wand? I'll call in an FBI forensics team. We'll have the whole place searched. BOOTH: No need. All you need is black light, right? BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: Right? I got a great idea, just stay here. It's very slippery, don't move. (Booth walks off the ice. The lights go off so that it's only black light, making everything blue) BOOTH: Ready? How's that, huh? PEROTTA: Nice. BOOTH: Gonna work? PEROTTA: Well, I see some, uh, flecks of blood. BRENNAN: No we're looking for something bigger than these small specs and spots. PEROTTA: Uh, the victim was stabbed in the eye. We're looking for a pretty significant puddle. BOOTH: Right, two guys get into a beef, then they put their street clothes on and then come back here on the ice to duke it out? No. PEROTTA: Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? (All looking at a big patch of white amongst the blue of the ice) PEROTTA: My God. BRENNAN: This is going to turn out to be where Pete Carlson was murdered. (Cut to Medico Legal Lab - Forensic Platform. There are various large containers of ice/water. Cam enters platform and walks to Hodgins who is fishing through one of the containers.) CAM: This is all the ice from the crime scene, including the scrapings from the Zamboni. HODGINS: We should be able to get enough DNA out of this to confirm the blood is Carlson's. Whoa. Human tooth. CAM: It's hockey. That Zamboni probably had a hundred teeth in there. HODGINS: Looks like we found where the Tooth Fairy winters. (Cut to Medico Legal Lab - workroom. Wendell is standing at a table with the bones on. Hodgins enters) HODGINS: Did you find a match yet? WENDELL: Just started. HODGINS: Cam says it's definitely the victim's blood. WENDELL: I still haven't found the murder weapon. HODGINS: Yeah, I know, I still haven't identified the nylon polymer I found on the victim's shirt. (Angela enters) ANGELA: So, I've looked at, like, a thousand photos of those blood patterns at the rink. And tons from the apartment. WENDELL: Why, what are you looking for? ANGELA: Here's a blood pattern at the rink. The body was dragged in that direction. WENDELL: Yeah, the body was dragged that way, but what are those drops over there? ANGELA: What drops? WENDELL: Those drops right there. HODGINS: They parallel the dragging body. And they aren't smeared. ANGELA: These parallel drops aren't from the victim. They're from whoever dragged him across the ice. HODGINS: Well, that means we have to check for more than just Pete's DNA. ANGELA: Too bad we can't question the fish. WENDELL: What killed those fish? ANGELA: Not eating for three weeks. WENDELL: If that happened, they would eat each other. HODGINS: Grab your coat. We're going on a field trip. And tell Cam to check the rink samples to find out if there was a second source of DNA. (Hodgins and Wendell leave) ANGELA: I'm not really a big fan of this... barking out orders stuff. (cut to Sweets's office) SWEETS: Agent Booth, it's come to the attention of the deputy director that you are a viable suspect in a murder case. BOOTH: Right, okay, and he wants you to make sure that I'm not viable. SWEETS: That's correct. BOOTH: Come on, Sweets, you know I didn't kill anyone. So, you know, put that in shrink talk and write out your little form and send it in. SWEETS: Mm-hmm, yes, of course, but to do that, I need to ask you some questions. BOOTH: Great. Shoot. SWEETS: I saw you in that game. You beat another man to the ice. BOOTH: It's hockey. I was protecting my teammate. SWEETS: You broke your hand on his helmet. BOOTH: It's hockey. Okay, you never played, did you? SWEETS: Oh, I'd run track and cross country and did some wrestling and ch... BOOTH: Chess! SWEETS: No. BOOTH: Checkers? SWEETS: Didn't say that. BOOTH: You know what? Then you know nothing... It's about teams, okay? And teamwork. Obviously you don't know anything about that, Dr. Sweets. SWEETS: You joined the army. You became a sniper. You joined the FBI. Do you see the, uh, the binding element in those choices? It's violence. BOOTH: Or the love of uniforms. You ever think that? SWEETS: Agent Booth, I believe that you are ready to confront the fact that the violence you may have suffered in childhood BOOTH: You know what? SWEETS: has followed you into adulthood. BOOTH: Fill out the form. (knocking at the door) SWEETS: Not now! (Caroline enters) CAROLINE: Hiya, Sweets. Uh, if you're about finished here, Booth, in accordance with the warrant you made me get, Pete Carlson's phone records are here. SWEETS: Ms. Julian, actually, I'm the one that decides when we're done here. CAROLINE: Of course you are, Cherie, no offense intended. I'll be delivering the phone records to Agent Perotta. I thought I'd do that in your office. (Caroline leaves and closes the door) BOOTH: Thanks, Cherie. We're done. (Booth stands and moves to door) SWEETS: Well, we are done but that was just a coincidence. (Booth standing in doorway) BOOTH: Sweets, I've killed but I've never murdered before. Look up the difference in your little black book there, okay? (Cut to Pete Carlson's apartment. Wendell and Hodgins enter) WENDELL: This is legal, right? HODGINS: Absolutely. WENDELL: Okay. HODGINS: None of them look nibbled on. Oh, man, they should've gone at each other like a Peruvian soccer team stranded in the Andes. WENDELL: Then they all died at the same time. I don't see what this is going to tell us. (Wendell taking photos of fish tank. Hodgins scooping fish out of the tank) HODGINS: How they died? WENDELL: No, no, I mean about the case. HODGINS: Ooh, if Brennan were here, she'd smack your face. Her philosophy is, we find out the facts about everything, then see how it fits together. Photo opportunity. (Hodgins poses for photo holding up bag of dead fish) (Cut to Booth's office. Booth and Caroline sat on either side of the desk. Perotta standing) PEROTTA: Pete made eight calls right after the game to the same number. CAROLINE: Lou Herrin. Who's that? BOOTH: A sergeant in the State Cops. He exchanged blows with the victim the night that he died. CAROLINE: Make it official. Question the cop. PEROTTA: Let's get some leverage on the guy first. Put him at the murder scene, get a warrant to test his DNA. BOOTH: Here we go. (Caroline stands up to leave) CAROLINE: Get a warrant for this, Ms. Julian, get a warrant for that. You need grounds for a warrant, Cherie. Don't they teach that at Quantico anymore? What grounds have you got for that warrant? None! Nothing! You're just wishing. (Caroline leaves) BOOTH: I know how to get some blood out of this Herrin. PEROTTA: Legally? BOOTH: Yeah, of course legally. (stands) PEROTTA: How? BOOTH: Well, it's a big game tonight, right? And sometimes during a game... people bleed. PEROTTA: (Sigh) I don't like it. BOOTH: Then you don't have to show up. (Cut to Booth sawing off his cast in the corridor outside of the ice rink locker room. Wendell comes out of locker room) WENDELL: What are you doing, man? BOOTH: What does it look like I'm doing? WENDELL: You think that's a good idea? You got another couple of weeks on that cast. BOOTH: Well, considering I can't play with a cast, then yeah, it's a great idea. You clear about the plan? WENDELL: Somebody bleeds, I collect a sample, put it in a bag, pass it off to Dr. Brennan. BOOTH: Lou Herrin, number five, he's our prime suspect. And I gotta make him bleed. (Cut to ice hockey players skating around. Perotta and Brennan seated in stands) PEROTTA: You've worked with Booth for a while now, right? BRENNAN: Mmm hmm PEROTTA: Is he the kind of guy that, uh, you know, I... Is he flirty? BRENNAN: Flirty? PEROTTA: Would you say he twinkles his eyes at all women? BRENNAN: Twinkly eyes actually result when the pupils dilate very wide which is an unconscious result of intense interest or sexual attraction. PEROTTA: So, no, he doesn't twinkle at everyone? BRENNAN: No. PEROTTA: All right. (Wendell and Booth skating side by side) WENDELL: Is that the guy? BOOTH: That's him. Lou Herrin, number five. WENDELL: You think he even knows how to bleed? BOOTH: Just keep your head up, all right? OPPOSITION: Come on, you should've called that. Pass it up! (Booth knows a player down. Wendell collects a sample of his blood and gives it to Brennan. Booth knocks Lou Herrin down) BOOTH: Keep your head up, Herrin. (Booth knocks another player into the glass wall, leaving blood running down it Wendell collects a sample and gives it to Brennan. Booth smashes into Lou Herrin again) LOU HERRIN: Man, what's your problem? BOOTH: I got a little chip, all right? Just play your hockey ,pal. This guy's hard to get mad. WENDELL: Man, he's maybe the only one who hasn't shed a drop. (Booth and Lou Herrin pushing and shoving each other) LOU HERRIN: Stay out of my face! BOOTH: Keep your head up, huh! (Lou Herrin smashes into Booth) LOU HERRIN: Take a warning, pal. BOOTH: (to Wendell) I think I'm finally getting to this guy. WENDELL: Hope you survive it! (Booth and Herrin pushing and elbowing each other. Booth hits Lou Herrin in the mouth. Lou Herrin stops, spits out blood and then chases Booth and smashes into him. Booth's helmet hits the ground and then Booth hits the back of his head on the ice) (Booth changed to Philadelphia Flyers jersey. Luc Robitaille skates up and slides getting ice all over Booth's face) LUC ROBITAILLE: Taking a little break? BOOTH: Luc Robitaille? LUC ROBITAILLE: Seeley Booth. BOOTH: Right. (gets up and skates around) LUC ROBITAILLE: Let's go, let's play. BOOTH: Right. You're the greatest left-winger of all time. LUC ROBITAILLE: And you're the best player on your team. For what that's worth. All right, let's go. Come on, let's play. Here we go. Come on, show me something! Hey, come on, move, move! Move, move, let's go! BOOTH: Whoa, wait a second. I can't play hockey with you. I gotta solve a murder. LUC ROBITAILLE: You know, Booth... it's not about the blood. (scores a goal) BOOTH: It's our best forensic clue. LUC ROBITAILLE: Forget the blood. BOOTH: Then what? LUC ROBITAILLE: You know what makes a team. Look at the team. It's about what brings a team together. BOOTH: The team. Look at the team. LUC ROBITAILLE: All right, let's go, one on one. Let's see what you got. Come on, B. (Booth skates towards Luc Robitaille, checks into him and falls onto his back again) BOOTH: Geez, ugh. I thought I could get by you there, you know? LUC ROBITAILLE: You'll never get by me. BOOTH: Right. LUC ROBITAILLE: Now, listen, Booth, you're not your father, okay? You protect the ones you care about, on the ice and off the ice. That's who you are. You're not your father. You're not your father. BRENNAN: Booth? LUC ROBITAILLE: (echoing) You're not your father. BRENNAN: Booth? Booth? Booth? (Brennan standing over Booth) BOOTH: Bones, what are you doing on the ice? BRENNAN: I get nervous when you fall down and don't get up. Come up here. WENDELL: Up you go, buddy. BRENNAN: Come on. (Brennan and Wendell help Booth to stand up) WENDELL: Don't worry, I got the blood. BOOTH: (to Wendell) Good work, Bones. BRENNAN: But I'm Bones. (Cut to Medico Legal Lab - Workroom. Hodgins running blender running with red mush in. Angela enters) ANGELA: Smells like fish in here. HODGINS: Yep. It's the victim's goldfish. They died of ammonia poisoning. ANGELA: How did that happen? HODGINS: I don't know. Maybe the victim washed his aquarium with window cleaner? I don't know. How are things with you and Roxie? ANGELA: Uh, good... good. Taking it slow, you know. Letting things unfold in a... Are you seeing anybody? HODGINS: I, um... actually went out on a date last night. ANGELA: I'm glad to hear that. HODGINS: Any little twinge there? ANGELA: Definitely a little twinge, yeah, but...despite the twinge, I'm glad you're back in the saddle. HODGINS: Oh, I'm not back in the saddle exactly. It was just a first date. Barely got out of the barn. ANGELA: You saw the victim's apartment, right? HODGINS: Yes... yeah. Yeah, it was a pigsty. ANGELA: I don't think that guy cleaned anything. Not with ammonia. Not with anything. (Cut to Brennan's office. Booth sat on sofa with ice bag on his head with Brennan standing by him. Sweets enters and sits down.) SWEETS: I came as soon as I heard Booth had a brain injury. What part of your head hurts? BOOTH: The part above my shoulders. BRENNAN: The doctor said he has a concussion. He shouldn't fall asleep. Otherwise, not serious. BOOTH: Tell him about the hallucination. SWEETS: You hallucinated? BOOTH: Luc Robitaille gave me advice. BRENNAN: You got advice on a murder case from... SWEETS: What did he say? BOOTH: He said, "Don't worry about the... the player's blood." SWEETS: That's very interesting. BOOTH: Lucky Luc told me to look in a different direction. SWEETS: That's interesting. BOOTH: Stop saying that... just stop. (Cam enters) CAM: Preliminary DNA tests show that the blood mixed in with the victim's did not belong to Lou Herrin. BOOTH: Lucky Luc was right. CAM: All that means is that you got your brains scrambled for nothing. BOOTH: Lucky Luc is never wrong. SWEETS: This hallucination could be, uh, Booth's subconscious speaking to him through the voice and image of someone that he idolizes. BRENNAN: Like a modern version of a Vision Quest? BOOTH: You know what, hallucination or not... (stands) Lucky Luc, he told me something about myself that... He told me something. SWEETS: I'd be very interested in knowing what he said. BOOTH: Lucky for me, you're never gonna find out because Bones is gonna drive me home and get me soup. (Booth and Brennan leave the office) (Cut to Hodgins and Wendell in Pete Carlson's apartment) HODGINS: There has got to be some reason these fish died of ammonia poison. WENDELL: Last time I did this, I ended up in juvie hall over the weekend. HODGINS: What? WENDELL: What? Uh, nothing. HODGINS: Whoa, wow. Oh wow. (pulls jewellery out of bottom of tank) Buried treasure. WENDELL: What do we do now? HODGINS: Find out why the hell he was hiding jewellery in a fish tank. (Cut to FBI meeting room) CAROLINE: Have any of you ever heard of something called "chain of evidence"? PEROTTA: Ms. Julian... CAROLINE: Why didn't you go with these two idiots to the victim's home? CAM: Please don't call my people idiots. HODGINS: We're not idiots. WENDELL: I feel like an idiot. CAM: You don't speak right now-- neither of you. It's a crime scene. My people are very often at crime scenes. It's what we do. CAROLINE: No, it's not. You've got it in your heads that you're crime scene types. This is Booth's fault for indulging your fantasies. You are not crime scene types. You are lab rats. CAM: No chain of evidence was broken. When Dr. Hodgins and Mr. Bray found the items, they immediately called me. I called Booth, and when his head hurt too much to talk to me, I called Agent Perotta. PEROTTA: Ms. Julian... CAROLINE: What? PEROTTA: A photograph of dead fish led them to this. I think that kind of brilliance is worth it. CAROLINE: You've been taken hostage by the squints, Agent Perotta. Turns out these items were reported destroyed in a fire. HODGINS: The victim was a fireman. WENDELL: The FBI could check to see if the Firedawgs put out that fire. HODGINS: Stole from the fire, cleaned off with ammonia. WENDELL: Hidden in the aquarium, killed the fish. CAM: Okay. Now you are straying out of your territory. CAROLINE: No, they got it right. The bracelet Agents Booth and Perotta recovered from the victim's loan shark was reported destroyed by that same fire. PEROTTA: My people were right. CAM, CAROLINE, WENDELL AND HODGINS: Your people? WENDELL AND HODGINS: We're Booth's people. (Cut to Booth's apartment. Booth looking at photos and names on his laptop) BOOTH: They're on the Firedawgs, but they also played on the same high school team. What brings them together, eh? (Brennan comes in through the door) BRENNAN: I'm back. BOOTH: Hey, what brings them together? What brings the team together? BRENNAN: So, I got the soup from the place. And, yes, I told Mama that it was for you especially. BOOTH: It's all about the team there. It's all... BRENNAN: What are you doing? BOOTH: It's all about the team there. Bones, it's all about the team there. They...these four guys...they all played hockey together in high school, and now they all play together as a team. BRENNAN: They're all firemen? BOOTH: Yeah. They all worked the jewellery store fire. One of these three guys is the murderer. BRENNAN: According to Mr. Lucky? BOOTH: It's Luc, okay? It is... it... it's not Mr. Lucky. It is Luc Robitaille. Left wing. Great shot. Luc Robitaille-- he's one of the best left wings of all time. BRENNAN: (picking up spike) What is this? BOOTH: It's a lace puller. Why? BRENNAN: I think it might be the murder weapon. (Cut to interrogation room. Brennan sat on one side of the table, with Dave Simms, Alex Pinna and Ed Fralic on the other side. Booth standing behind Brennan. Perotta enters) PEROTTA: We want to discuss the jewellery store fire. ALEX PINNA: I want a lawyer. DAVE SIMMS: What for, Alex? We didn't do anything wrong. None of us did. BOOTH: What about Pete? PEROTTA: He break some kind of fireman code, something like that? (Sits) ED FRALIC: Yeah, something like that. ALEX PINNA: I've got nothing to say about any of this. I want a lawyer. BRENNAN: We know Carlson was beaten with a hockey stick, after which a lace puller entered his brain through his eye and killed him. BOOTH: What about your dream, Ed? You were gonna play for the NHL, right? "Local player scouted by the NHL." Look at that one. Oh, this one's good, too. "Fralic's hat trick wins game." ED FRALIC: I got injured. BRENNAN: This injury would end any chance of a career in professional hockey. DAVE SIMMS: What does that have to do with anything? ED FRALIC: Look, I got hurt, now I sell siding, and I play hockey on the weekends. ALEX PINNA: Why you got to rub his face in the past? BOOTH: Who ruined you? ED: Pete Carlson. It was Pete. BOOTH: You all knew about the stolen jewellery. PEROTTA: The question is, how many of you were there the night he was killed? DAVE SIMMS: None of us. Nobody here had anything to do with that. BRENNAN: We have the hockey stick, the murder weapon and DNA. BOOTH: It's only a matter of time. ED FRALIC: Yeah. DAVE SIMMS: What? ED: It was me. I asked to meet Pete on the ice after everybody left. I told him to give back the stolen jewellery, and he said to me... He said to me that I was a... a coward. That I didn't do anything to him back in the day when he wrecked my life and I wouldn't do anything to him now. Well, he was wrong. (Cut to ice rink - Brennan and Booth skating) BRENNAN: I'm not positive this is a good idea. BOOTH: Oh, I got you! I got you. Stay up here. (Brennan falls down) Okay, it's all right. Here we go, one more. (Booth picks Brennan up) Well, you know what, I got to stay up all night, so who better to keep me company than you? BRENNAN: You and me skating is saving you from slipping into a coma? BOOTH: Oh, easy, Bones. Now I'm gonna go down. BRENNAN: I have a lot of natural athletic ability. BOOTH: Oh, yeah, natural. I can... I can see that. Real smooth and natural. That's it. Well done. BRENNAN: That Agent Perotta, she really enjoyed working with us. BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: But, um... you're the only FBI agent I want to work with. Will you tell me what the Lucky Luciano told you? BOOTH: He's not an Italian opera singer. Bones, why do you always say that wrong? You do it on purpose, don't you? (Booth and Brennan skating holding hands) BRENNAN: I would like to know what he said. BOOTH: He said that I'm not like my old man. He said I'm made of better stuff. BRENNAN: Well... I don't know your old man, your father, but... I think you're made of very, very good stuff. BOOTH: Hey, you know what? Forget about Agent Perotta, all right? Nothing's gonna change between me and you. BRENNAN: Well, entropy is a natural force that pulls everything apart at a subatomic level. Everything changes. (Booth pushing Brennan on the ice) BOOTH: Not everything, Bones. BRENNNAN: Don't. BOOTH: Not everything. BRENNAN: You're gonna make me fall. BOOTH: I'm never gonna make you fall. I'm always here. BOOTH: Here comes the big spin. (laughter fade out) END.

The body of a fireman is discovered in a frozen lake. Booth becomes a suspect as he was seen fighting with the victim during an amateur hockey game some weeks ago. He is replaced by his colleague Agent Payton Perotta, much to Brennan's annoyance. When the investigation hits a dead end, the team, with Booth and Wendell's help, resort to an unusual method to collect the evidence needed. NHL legend Luc Robitaille guest stars.

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_02x06

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_02x06_0

CRAIG: You can't walk away from this car, Sir. COSTUMER: No? CRAIG: No, full sport suspension. You pitch it around a corner, it'll stay glued. COSTUMER: Really? JOEY: (walks over to costumer) hello. How are we today? COSTUMER: Good. Your assistant was singing the praises of this car. Do you mind if I...? JOEY: Oh, yes. Please do. I'll be back with you in a second. Craig, can I talk to you? Great job partner. CRAIG: You think so? JOEY: Yeah, you're a natural. Listen, I want you to do me a favor. A costumer is coming to take a test drive of this car. It needs a serious clean, ASAP. (Holds out car keys). Here are the keys. Come, on, take the keys. CRAIG: (takes keys) You mean, drive it? JOEY: yes, yes. Just across the lot. You'll be fine. (Walks away) (Craig excitedly gets in and starts the car) The Jeremiah household Craig runs down the stairs to the kitchen. JOEY: (on the phone) Yeah, well, Bianca booked this surprise spa and relaxation weekend thing and I need you to pick up Angie. I'll be by on Sunday to pick her up. Thanks Ma. Bye. (Hangs up phone.) (To Craig) What's up? CRAIG: Nothing. Just, uh, you're going away. So, uh, where do i go? JOEY: I figured you'd stay here. CRAIG: Alone? JOEY: You're 14. You know how to cook and how to clean. You'll be fine. CRAIG: Wait, so, I really get the run of the house for the whole weekend? JOEY: yeah. Hey, if you want you can invite some of your buddies over, that's cool. But 3 ground rules: no drinking, no chicks, no parties, I mean it. CRAIG: Got it. You can trust me. JOEY: I know I can, partner Degrassi - hallway (Marco, Jimmy and Spinner are talking.) JIMMY: My dad's been working on Kid Albert tickets all week. He's pulled every string he has and they're totally sold out. SPINNER: Well, how about you Marco? You're mom works in the music biz. MARCO: She teaches piano, Spinner. CRAIG: (walking up to the guys) Who died? MARCO: oh, Kid Albert's sold out. It's so unfair. CRAIG: So? Joey's gone for the whole weekend and I got the pad all to myself and you guys are all invited. JIMMY & SPINNER: Yes. MARCO: So, who else is on the guest list? CRAIG: Uh, you three plus Sean. JIMMY: Oh, you invited him? I'll take a pass. CRAIG: Well, I can't un-invite him now. JIMMY: No, it's cool. Well, just do this some other time, right. SPINNER: Dude. (Jimmy walks away) Fine, your loss cuz we are gonna party. CRAIG: No parties, Spin. SPINNER: Girls. CRAIG: No girls. SPINNER: Booze. CRAIG: No booze. SPINNER: Donuts? CRAIG: That we could do. SPINNER: I'm there. CRAIG: Sweet. This weekend is gonna be awesome. Ashley and Ellie's lockers ASHLEY: Did you know there's no word in the English language that rhymes with "orange?" ELLIE: Did you know it's Friday? The weekend? ASHLEY: Sure do. I thought we'd go see that new movie "Strange Evil." (Ellie gives Ashley a look) The reviewer said it looked edgy. ELLIE: Lame. Besides, I'm getting my cartilage pierced. (Shirt goes up a bit and Ashley notices her belly button is pierced.) ASHLEY: Hey, Ellie. Do you think I should get me belly button pierced? I've wanted to for a while. ELLIE: Come with me after school. ASHLEY: After school? He'd be able to squeeze me in on such short notice? ELLIE: Let's fine out. Ms. Kwan's classroom MS. KWAN: As you should all know by now, a simile is a comparison using "like" or "as." While a metaphor is a figure of speech, in which things are compared by stating the one thing is another. (Craig is bored and is looking at the clock) Both similes and metaphors are used in poetry, and we'll be look at that today. (Reading) The day is done and the darkness falls on the wings of night. (Craig still looks at the clock, which appears to be moving very slowly. The bell rings and we the guys running outside school and walking to Craig's house.) SPINNER: Weekend, here I come. SEAN: Woo! SPINNER: Ok, next time the Kid's in town, we gotta get tickets months early. MARCO: Hey, Nr. Jeremiah. JOEY: What's this? I go away for the weekend and you invite the whole school? Got ya! (Laughs) You should have seen the looks on your faces. Come here. (Opens trunk of car) Weekend supplies, gentlemen. CRAIG: Oh, yeah. JOEY: We got the four major food groups We got chips, chips, chips, and kraft dinner. (Closes trunk of car and woman we assume is Bianca comes out of the house. The two of the get in the car.) Have a good weekend boys. SPINNER: Wow. SEAN: You know his weekend's gonna be great. SPINNER: He's one lucky guy. (Joey drives away) GUYS: Yeah! Outside a piercing parlor (Ellie opens the door to go inside, but Ashley hesitates.) ELLIE: I know it looks a little nasty. I keep telling Attila that we should... ASHLEY: Attila? ELLIE: It's a family name. Come on. (Attila starts to pierce Ellie's ear as Ashley looks around) ASHLEY: So, uh, Attila. Is that the same kind of needle you'll be using to pierce my belly button? ATTILA: Oh, no. I'll be using a much larger one. Like this. (Hands Ashley a big needle in a package. Ashley looks it over, seeming nervous) ASHLEY: Oh, wow. ATTILA: (to Ellie) All done cuz. (Ellie gets up to look at her ear) So what's the word Ashley? Still interested? Because I've got an opening tomorrow at 10. ASHLEY: (looks to Ellie who nods) Ok, sign me up. ATTILA: Great Now just get your mother to sign this permission slip first. (Hands her the slip) ASHLEY: (reading off paper) Parlor assumes no responsibility in case of infection? ATTILA: It is an invasive procedure. But don't worry. Everything sterilized. ASHLEY: My mom will not sign this. ELLIE: How do you know? ASHLEY: Just because she's my mom. She won't. Sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] Craig's living room (The guys are looking bored. Sean and Marco are playing cards) SEAN: Fish. MARCO: You really don't have a queen? SEAN: Fish. SPINNER: Hark, a soldier approaches. (Burps) Encore Maestro. (Burps) CRAIG: Guys, this is so boring. SPINNER: Yeah, let's call Jimmy. SEAN: What, do you miss your girlfriend? SPINNER: Shut up. SEAN: No, you shut up. SPINNER: No, you shut up. SEAN: shut up. SPINNER: Shut up. CRAIG: Both of you, shut up. We have a house to ourselves and we're wasting it. SPINNER: I got it. You guys wanna live life on the edge? Come with me. (Everybody gets out and follows Spinner out of the house) Outside a store (Spinner comes out with a bag) SPINNER: Ok, guys. Alright, alright. (Takes something out of bag) CRAIG: Spray cheese? SPINNER: We did it at camp. It's a race. MARCO: Do you get crackers? SPINNER: No, loser. You do it like this. (Starts spraying cheese into his mouth.) SEAN: Oh, come on, man. (Sean, Marco and Craig start to walk away) SPINNER: What? Guys, what? Ashley's kitchen ASHLEY: I was thinking about getting my belly button pierced. (Hands mom the permission slip.) (To Ellie) See, told ya. ASHLEY'S MOM: Told Ellie what? I just reacted. ASHLEY: You made a total face. ASHLEY'S MOM: Do you want my permission or not Ashley? (Ashley nods her head) Now, you just have to clean it scrupulously For weeks. ELLIE: But it's worth it. (Lifts up shirt to show her ring) ASHLEY'S MOM: If only I were ten years younger. (Signs slip and gives it to Ashley.) Craig's living room (Spinner is still spraying cheese into his mouth) EVERYONE BUT SPINNER: (unenthusiastically) Spinner, spinner... (Can runs out of cheese) SPINNER: Yeah, king of the world. Who's next? I dare you guys. (They all talk at once making excuses) Oh, come on. You guys suck. MARCO: Wait, I have a dare. (Gets telephone and starts dialing) SPINNER: uh, oh. Bathroom break. (Runs off) (Marco hands phone to Sean.) SEAN: What, this is your dare? A prank phone call? MARCO: What, scared of talking to a stranger? SEAN: (Into phone) Hello, this is the power company. EMMA: (on the other line) So this is what you do for fun, Sean. Prank your ex-girlfriend. SEAN: (hangs up phone) You're dead phone boy. You're dead. (Chases Marco around the kitchen) Craig's front porch (A radio is on) CRAIG: Yeah, this is the life. You know what? I like you guys. SEAN: What, are you gonna kiss us now? MARCO: Shut up Sean. CRAIG: No, I mean, with my dad, he's never let me have you all over like this. SEAN: Yeah, well, I bet it's a lot different over here, I suppose, eh? CRAIG: Totally. With Joey, it's like I can do no wrong. I get total 100 percent freedom. I mean, he even let me drive. SPINNER: Um, you, you drove? CRAIG: No big thing. Just some clunker at the car lot. Man, it was a huge thing. It was the coolest thing I've ever done. SEAN: Sweet. Windows down, tunes pumpin'. I'd give anything for that. CRAIG: Well, it was just across the lot. SPINNER: And I bet you know where Joey hides the keys to his dealership. SEAN: yeah, let's take it out for a test drive. You know, just around the block. MARCO: On the road? No, we'd so get caught. CRAIG: Well, what about tomorrow? Craig's kitchen the next morning (Craig grabs the keys and the other guys get up.) SPINNER: Hey, still going on that ride today? CRAIG: Sure, but, uh, maybe later. SPINNER: Later? SEAN: Man, you're not chickening out on us, are you? (Craig twirls to keys in is hand and smiles) Jeremiah Motors (The Guys go into Joey's office) CRAIG: Right, here. Keys to the kingdom. (the phone rings and Marco screams, prompting everyone else to scream too) SPINNER: Shh, man, you gave me a heart attack. CRAIG: (walks over to phone) What do I do? SPINNER: Answer it. SEAN: No, you idiot. We're not supposed to be here. Let's go. (They leave and go to the car Craig drove in the beginning of the episode) SPINNER: Why are we taking this anything? CRAIG: Cuz I've driven it before, I know how to drive it. MARCO: Guys, maybe this isn't the greatest idea. SEAN: Come on. We'll just take it around the block a couple times. CRAIG: (everyone gets in the car) Gentlemen, let's roll. (Starts to drive and the car stalls) SPINNER: Uh, short ride, dude. (Craig restarts the car and drives off the lot) Outside Ashley's house ASHLEY'S MOM: Hey girls. Off to your piercing? ELLIE: Yeah, wanna come? You could get one too. ASHLEY'S MOM: Oh, no thanks. None for me please. I'm not as brave as you two. (She's trimming a bush and Ashley eyes the shears nervously) Guys driving the car slowly SPINNER: (sarcastically) Whoa, slow down there. It's getting scary. CRAIG: Keep talking Spinner. Your idea of fun is spray cheese. (Laughs) RADIO: So, how do you get to the sold out Kid Albert show tonight? SPINNER: Guys, guys. Shh. RADIO: Just come down to Melview park and find me in the mix mobile. Answer a skill testing question, and you and three friends are going to kid Albert tonight. MARCO: Pull over. Melview's only 10 minutes away if we run fast. SPINNER: who's running? We're driving? SEAN: In 10 minutes that park will be full of people. MARCO: I thought we were only gonna take the car around the black and that's it. SPINNER: That was before the contest. I say we take the car. SEAN: I'm down with that MARCO: Guys, no. SPINNER: Ok, two for, one against. Deciding vote goes to Craig. What do you say? (Craig smiles and steps on the gas) Ashley and Ellie inside the parlor (Ashley is laying down, shirt up, exposing her navel.) ATTILA: (point to navel) I'm going to pierce here and feed it through till it comes out there. Here's the clamp I'll use to hold the skin while I do the piercing, ok? This is an antiseptic gel. It's gonna feel a little cool. (Puts gel on her belly button. Ashley and Ellie hold hands in anticipation of the piercing) Now I'm marking the point of entry. (Makes mark of her with a marker, then clamps her skin) Ashley, you're gonna feel a bit of pressure now. (Gets needle and is prepared to pierce, but Ashley pushes his hand away and sits up) ASHLEY: I'm sorry, I can't. I don't care how cool it'll look. That thing is not piercing my body. The park (Radio personality is talking to a contestant in the contest) RADIO PERSONALITY: Now here's the skill testing question. Name Kid Albert's wife. (The guys pull up and get out of the car) You have no clue, do you? (Contestant shakes his head as Guys run up to them) That's ok. (Shakes contestant's hand and he walks away.) CRAIG: We're here for the contest. RADIO PERSONALITY: Ok, catch your breath champ. Tell us your name first. CRAIG: My name's Craig. RADIO PERSONALITY: Ok, Craig. Now, tell me the name of Kid Albert's wife. CRAIG: That's a trick question. Cuz Kid Albert's divorced. RADIO PERSONALITY: You know what? You can give my best to the Kid tonight cuz you just won four tickets to his show. (Guys yell and grab the tickets) Have fun. (Guys run back to the car and drive off) MARCO: Man, I can't believe we're going tonight. SEAN: We have tickets to the Kid. MARCO: Yeah! (Farting) CRAIG: Spinner! Not in the car, man. SPINNER: Sorry, excitement makes me fart. MARCO: Oh, you're sick. That's disgusting. SPINNER: It's the spray cheese. I shouldn't have had that third can. (Car stops at a red light. A police car pulls up next to them. A cop is talking on his radio) SEAN: Just keep it cool, alright? COP: (on radio) Roger. (Car lights turn on. Guys are worried. Car drives away.) MARCO: So, lucky. So luck, so let's go back, ok? CRAIG: OK. (Drives back to lot and guys get out of car) MARCO: Guys that was amazing! SPINNER: That was the best day ever. SEAN: Go for a joyride, win Kid Albert tickets. MARCO: Pull up right next to the cops. That part was so cool. SPINNER: Now you say it's cool. Before you were crying like a little baby. MARCO: I was crying cuz of your cheese farts. It was so gross. JOEY: (come out of his office) What were you thinking?! Do the words "silent alarm" mean anything to you?! You, you, and you. Gone. Now! (Sean, Spinner and Marco leave) Ashley and Ellie walking on the street ELLIE: Are you gonna talk... ever? ASHLEY: I don't know what to say. ELLIE: Why? What's the big deal? ASHLEY: I acted like an idiot and I totally embarrassed myself. ELLIE: Yeah, you did... kidding. So what happened? ASHLEY: I'm just scared on needles. I can't explain it. ELLIE: So why would you try a piercing? ASHLEY: I dunno, I just... thought it would look cool. And I thought I'd gain some points with you. ELLIE: Points? ASHLEY: You know what I mean. ELLIE: I don't. Ash, you're my friend. You don't need a piercing to impress me. (They smile and continue walking) Craig sitting on the couch in his living room (He stands up) JOEY: Sit. CRAIG: You're not my dad. JOEY: Sit. (Craig sits again and Joey sits across from him) What you did was serious. Yor drove a car without a license. You could've killed somebody. CRAIG: I know. JOEY: I don't think you do. If you were some punk of the street I would have had you arrested and pressed charges. (Craig nods his head) I trusted you. CRAIG: It was stupid. It was so stupid. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. JOEY: You're ground. Three weeks. CRAIG: Three weeks? JOEY: And one more thing. (Takes the tickets out of Craig's shirt pocket and rips them) CRAIG: Wait, you can't. What am I supposed to tell my friends? JOEY: You should have thought of that before you took the car. (Walks away)

Craig thinks Joey's request for him to move a car on his used-car lot gives him free rein to drive and takes his friends on a joyride when Joey goes out of town for the weekend. Meanwhile, Ashley has found a friend in Ellie and considers getting her belly button pierced to impress her.

fd_The_Office_02x03

fd_The_Office_02x03_0

Michael: I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms. Oh, breakfast. Ryan: I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. Michael: Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan. Ryan: What was the thing, ah, you needed me to come in early for? Michael: Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don't you take a couple hours. The office is yours. "Home Alone," "Risky Business." Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do. Ryan: I'm just going to take a nap in my car until work starts. Michael: Ok. [Removes biscuit, leaving only sausage, egg and cheese.] Healthier. Gotta watch those carbs. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner. Investing in real estate. Dwight: Diversifying. Smart. Michael: Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property and they'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you. Dwight: And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. People'd obey the law, there'd be less troublemakers. Michael: Maybe. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [looks bored. Taps finger on desk. Head falls to desk] Pam: [laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is that, it's up to me to revive him. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: You see Dwight's coffee mug? Jim: Mm-hmm. Pam: Sometimes when he's not here, I try to throw stuff in it. Jim: No way. Let's do this [crumples post it and throws into mug. Misses.] Oh. Pam: Here. Jim: Wind. Pam: Try paperclips. Oh wait. This message. For Dwight. Jim: Perfect. [misses] Pam: Oh. Jim: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: You should go. Michael: Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough. Dwight: Uh huh. Michael: Sign the papers at the condo. Dwight: You have your lawyer there? Michael: Uh, I don't need one. Dwight: Can I be your representative? Michael: I don't need a representative. Dwight: I think I should be there. Michael: No, No. Dwight: I'm good. I can make sure things are up to code. Michael: No. Dwight. I'm fine. Dwight: Please, I'm always the guy you rely on at work. Michael: Well, this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo, it's completely personal. Dwight: So you're taking a personal day? Michael: Except that, this is about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work. Dwight: Please, I'll make you proud. Michael: Ok. Fine. Yes, you can come. Dwight: Yes! As your representative? Michael: As my associate. Dwight: Same thing. Michael: No it is not. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies. Pam: You headed out? Michael: We are. Dwight and I are going to the big thing. So why don't you have everybody work on their expense reports and I'd like them in by the end of the day. Pam: Ok. Michael: Very good. Pam: Have a great time. Michael: We will. Um, did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines? Pam: Yeah, I changed them to your new address. Michael: Good. The Small Business Man? Pam: Yup. Michael: Maxim? American Way? Cracked? Pam: Yes, I changed your Cracked magazine subscription. Michael: How about, uh, Fine Arts? Aficionado Monthly? Pam: [shakes head] Michael: NO, well can you get on that, because I don't just read Cracked. Thank you. Pam: Yeah. Michael: Ok. See you soon. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: What kind of shocks you got on this baby? Michael: I don't know, regular. Normal ones. Nothing fancy. Not my style. What are you doing? Dwight: [tries to open sun roof] I want to put the top down. Michael: What? No, Dwight. It's fifty degrees outside. Don't... please... Dwight: But then no one can see us. Michael: I... Just... Would you put it up? [roof opens] Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner. Dwight: Check it out. [points at sunglasses] Terminator. Michael: I do not understand what you spend your money on. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [paper football lands on desk] Ooh. Jim: Hey, Oscar, on these new expense reports, do we really have to go back to last quarter? Oscar: Yeah. It's a terrible system, I know. Jim: [points at paper on desk] What does 2005 season mean? Oscar: Eh. Jim: Wait a minute, what is this? Oscar: It's a scoreboard. Jim: What? Oscar: Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael's out. Jim: Really? Oscar: Yeah. Kevin: Or when we're bored. Jim: Oh my God! Wait, this goes back two years. Kevin: We're bored a lot. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [flicks football onto Kevin's desk] OH! Kevin: Oh! Oscar: Sweet! Jim: Yes! So close. I really love the paper triangle flicking and hitting things game. Yeah. Kevin: We call it Hate Ball. Jim: Why? Kevin: Because of how much Angela hates it. Jim: Hey, do you guys have any other games? Kevin: Sometimes we play "Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?" Angela: You play that. Oscar: You should ask Toby to teach you Dunderball. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Home, sweet home. Dwight: Which one's yours? Michael: Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad. Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree. Push them back... wait... [turns around] no, it's this one, right here. Home, sweet home. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [bounces ball off wall with Toby] So that's what this sound is all day. [SCENE_BREAK] Carol: Michael, this is Bill. He's the head of the condo association. Michael: Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill. Mr. Bill. OHHH NOOO. MR. BILL. OHHH! SNL? When they pull him apart? He'd always get rolled over by something. Bill: Nice to meet you. Michael: Nice to meet you too. Dwight: This is smaller than your old place. Michael: Yeah, small. I'm buying it and I'm not renting it. So, it's still an upgrade. He doesn't know anything about property ownership. Kind of an idiot. Um. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for s*x. [SCENE_BREAK] Carol: Are we ready to sign some papers? Dwight: Actually, no. We have a couple of questions, about the neighborhood. Bill: It's very safe. It's very clean. Also, it's very accepting of all lifestyles. Carol: It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood. Michael: Oh. Good. That's good. It's good to be accommodating of that. Dwight: Let's go check out the master bedroom. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Stanley. Just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you, you got any games? Stanley: Yeah, I got a game. It's called "work hard so my kids can go to college." Jim: Fair enough. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: This, my friends, is the master bedroom. Check out the cathedral ceilings. Those are like seventeen feet high. We have cable readiness. [points at wall] Right there. I am going to totally pimp this place out. I am going to put a surround sound system. I am going to put a plasma screen right against this wall. Dwight: Oh. Terrible idea. Michael: I'm putting my bed right over here. Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed. Michael: Well, then I will get a warrantee. Dwight: Warrantees don't cover it, plus they're a rip-off. Michael: Well then I won't get a warrantee. Dwight: Shh Shh. Michael: So that's the problem, is solved. What? Dwight: Listen. [puts ear to wall] Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [sings Olympic theme song] This scented candle ...andle ...andle. Which I found in the men's bathroom ...room ...room. Represents the eternal burning of competition. Or something. Kevin: It smells like cookies. Jim: Yes it does. Yes it does my friend. Ok, we will be competing for gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids. Pam: Now the bronze are really blue, and they're also the back side of the gold, so no flipping. K? Honor system. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats. I play lots of games. Just not at work. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Let the games begin. [sings Olympic theme] [SCENE_BREAK] Carol: And then, I just need you to sign here at this arrow. Dwight: What kind of mortgage did you get? Michael: Uh... Ten year. Carol: Well, ten over thirty, so thirty year total. Michael: What? Wha? You said ten. Carol: Ten year fixed, over thirty. Thirty year total. Dwight: Ho, thirty years. Michael: Ok, ok, ok. Dwight: Wow, you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies. Michael: Alright. Dwight: Forget about retiring when you're 65. Hey, I've got an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live. Michael: Ok. Alright. Oh boy. Dwight: Well, this is it. Carol: Whenever you're ready. Michael: Um. Oh. [moves stove burner] Oh, ok. Is that suppose to come off? Carol: Actually yes. Dwight: Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants. Michael: Um. I'm going to take a little breather for a second. Excuse me. Dwight: We'll be here waiting for you. Michael: Oh, man. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: A thirty year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people. [SCENE_BREAK] Carol: Whenever you're ready, Michael. Michael: Uh. [breathes deeply, head at knees] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. And I'm blanking on the name, can you help me out Pam? Pam: Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton. Jim: Hum. Pam: In English, box of paper snowshoe racing. Jim: Fair enough, but I like Flonkerton. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: The thing about Jim, is when he's excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So, who will be challenging Kevin in Flonkerton? Anyone? Phyllis: I'll do it. Jim: Yes! Phyllis! [claps] Phyllis, just put your foot right through here [lifts strap on box of paper]. Right through the flonk. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That, I don't... I don't... Carol: What? Michael: ...know if you showed me this same unit or not. Carol: Michael, this is the unit you saw and... Michael: Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles. Carol: Who told you that? Michael: As far as I can tell, I'm the best-looking person here. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: There's a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It's just sorta common sense, because if you are, then you've no place to go but down. [SCENE_BREAK] Carol: Is this a financial thing? If it's a financial thing, what some people do is they rent out the third bedroom. Michael: No, no, no. Carol: That's some extra income for you. Michael: I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin. Carol: You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now. Michael: Ehhhh.... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed. I'm a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying. This is good. This is fun. We're having fun. Dwight: Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today? [laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Here we go. Here we go. Pam: Go! Go! Go! Oscar: Pair of shoes! Jim: Dig deep, dig deep! OHHHhhh! It's Phyllis! Pam: It's Phyllis! Jim: Phyllis by a nose. Gold medal in Flernenton. Pam: Flonkerton. Jim: Thank you, delegate from Iceland. Meredith: Wow! [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [empties bowl of M&M's into his mouth] Jim: Wow! Ok. No one else should even try! Gold medals! Give him medals. Wow. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: There's something else Dwight wanted to talk to you about. I have a surprise for you, for helping me out today. Dwight: You didn't have to... Michael: No, no. I insist. I insist. Because you've really done some great work. Great work. And that is why, I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back, ah, with $500 plus utilities. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I don't even know what to say. Michael: I'm thinking, lock into a four year commitment, we'll go month to month after that. Or, until I start dating, have a girlfriend, then you're, you know, you're gone. Dwight: Question. Where can I put my terrarium? Michael: What the hell is a terrarium? Dwight: It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards. Michael: Oh, so an aquarium. Ah, that will not come into this place. Dwight: Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Are you sure you don't want to play? Angela: I'm sure. Pam: Come on Angela, don't you have a game? Angela: I have one, yes. Pam: Well, let's play, what is it? Angela: I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you. Pam: We're friends. Angela: Apparently. Jim: Very nicely done. I think that's H-O-R for Stanley, and H-O for Phyllis. Phyllis: Are you calling me a ho? Jim: Oh my god. Phyllis, coming alive. I like it. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Question. What about carpooling, who pays for the gas? Michael: We take separate cars. Dwight: Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine? Michael: Why would we do that? Dwight: Just for fun? Michael: No. Dwight: Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance? Michael: EHHHHNT. Game over. Offer revoked. Dwight. I'm sorry, but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy, and help out a friend, and this is what happens. This is what I get. Oh god. I'm ... Ok. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Thank god. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farm house. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Ah... Everyone: OH! Jim: Who had someone from Vance Refrigeration? Ryan: I did. Jim: Ryan Howard. Ryan! [claps] Gold medal. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I made something for our closing ceremonies. Jim: What? [looks in box] Oh my god. Where did you have time to make that? Pam: Automatic voicemail. Jim: Alright Pam, alright [gives her hi-five]. Nice work! Pam: [sees Angela making check mark on tally sheet] Stanley: A little bit more and I would have had it. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm. We paid it off early. Michael: Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst. Dwight: People love beets. Michael: Nobody likes beets. Dwight: Everybody loves beets. Michael: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet. Dwight: Let's get this roof going. Michael: Stop it! [smacks Dwight's arm] Dwight: Ow. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Final lap. Final lap. Time to beat is 1:15. Stanley: Oscar! Crowd: Go! Go! Go! Jim: Time to beat is one minute, 15 seconds. Here they come. [Michael and Dwight enter] Guys? Dwight: What is going on? Jim: Nothing. Guys? Timer's still going? Er? Dwight: That's my stopwatch. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [hands expense report to Oscar] Here you go. All done. Oscar: Great. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Yeah, I filled out the expense reports. That took about five minutes and then I closed two sales at lunch time. So, about as productive as any other day. If not more so. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: I figured I could throw it away now, or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away. I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paper clips and an old yogurt lid? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey. Pam: I have 59 voicemails. Jim: Mmm. Hey, can you ignore those and do something for me instead? Pam: Sure. Jim: Okay, today. 5 o'clock. Closing Ceremonies. Pam: Really? Jim: Notify the athletes. Pam: Cool. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Michael. Michael: Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What's going... What's going on? Jim: Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo. Michael: Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom, gay-friendly. Jim: Nice. Michael: You know. Jim: Hey, would you mind coming out here for a second? I just have something for you. Michael: Really? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What's this? Jim: These are the Closing Ceremonies. Step up. You're on the top one. [Michael stands on podium] Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo. So, gold medal. [everyone claps] Michael: I don't really know what to say. Um, I'm not one for making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment. Jim: And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal. Michael: Get up here, Dwight. Dwight: Silver medal. Michael: Yep, not as good as gold. [national anthem plays] Why are you playing the national anthem? Jim: Um... 'Cause your condo's in America. Michael: Oh. [doves move across cord] What the hell is that? Jim: Those are the doves.

Michael and salesman Dwight Schrute leave to close a deal on Michael's new condominium. Michael meets with his realtor Carole Stills , but becomes stressed when he realizes how long it will take to pay off his condo. Boredom leads receptionist Pam and salesman Jim Halpert to create the office olympics, in which their co-workers compete in various games using office supplies. Michael and Dwight's return stops the event, but Jim gives the gold medal to Michael for closing the purchase of his condo.

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_04x04

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_04x04_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Anna: My parents... they had a problem with magic. Would there be someone who could help them with that kind of a thing? Ruth: There is one man a very powerful wizard. Regina: Want to find who wrote this book and ask them to write me a happy ending. Henry: It'll be our own secret mission. Hook: I've hunted you a long time, my old crocodile. I know that that dagger you gave Belle was a fake. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest. A Long Time Ago.. ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The Apprentice is in the process of sweeping the floor, when suddenly the fire on the torches go out. The Apprentice stops what he is doing and looks up, drops the broom on the floor and draws his sword.) Apprentice: Show yourself, Dark One. (Turns to the entrance) Zoso: (Walking into the vault) You... Are not... the sorcerer. Apprentice: No. I am his apprentice. (Sees Zoso holding his dagger) And you are not the first Dark One I have faced. (He moves to strike the Dark One, but Zoso disappears. He once again goes to strike) Zoso: (Uses his magic to throw the Apprentice back, before stepping up onto the podium and focuses on a small box) Apprentice: You don't want to know what you'll unleash if you open that box. Zoso: (Removes his hood and turns to face the Apprentice) Then the sorcerer should not have put his faith in someone like you. (He turns back to the box and attempts to open it with his magic, but he is suddenly thrown back by an invisible force, and he lands a few metres away) Apprentice: (Stands up again and looks down at Zoso) Fortunately, Zoso... I am not the only thing he puts his faith in. Zoso: (Angry) An enchantment! Apprentice: Cast by the sorcerer himself. And no one who has succumbed to the darkness in their heart can ever break it. Now be gone. (Sheathes his sword again) Zoso: (Defeated, he magic's himself out of the vault) Apprentice: (Turns back to the box) Every dark one has tried, but no dark one will ever possess what is in that box. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The camera cuts to Mr Gold who is standing in his shop, the same box is on the table in front of him. He successfully opens the box using his dagger and it transforms into a magical hat.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Henry are in Emma's bug, and Emma stops out the front of Granny's diner, both getting out of the car and standing on the pavement, looking at Granny's diner.) Emma: You sure you're okay with this? Henry: No, but I want you to be happy. (Gently pushes Emma towards the diner) Emma: (Enters the diner, and closes the door behind her. She sees Hook playing darts) Hook: (Stops playing and turns to face Emma, watching as she walks towards him) The Snow Queen turn up? Did I miss the search party? Emma: (Slightly nervous) Oh, n-nothing to miss. There's no sign of that ice witch yet. Hook: That's all right, Swan. You'll find her. Emma: Yeah, I know. Uh, that's not why I'm here. Hook: (Looks at her curiously) Then why are you here? Emma: Well, I thought about what you said last night about being a survivor, and you're right. Hook: (Turns back to the dart board) It's like I said, love, you don't have to worry about me. Emma: Good, 'cause I'm here to ask you out. Hook: (Throws a dart, but it hits the wall, he appears surprised and bit flustered by Emma's question) Emma: To dinner or something. Hook: (Turns back to face her) Shouldn't I be the one asking you out? Emma: Should have known you'd be old-fashioned, given your age... what are you, like 300? Hook: Curses and Neverland may have given me experience. But as you can see, I've retained my youthful glow. Emma: (Scoffs, but has an amused look on her face) Hook: I happily accept on one condition... you let me plan the evening. Emma: I know how to plan a date. Hook: You know how to chase a monster. I know how to plan an evening out. Emma: (Blushes) Well, I don't pillage and plunder on the first date, just so you know. Hook: (His facial expression turns to one of seduction, and his voice becomes lower and more flirty) Well, that's because you haven't been out with me yet. Emma: (Chuckles slightly) Hook: See you tonight. Emma: (Gives him one last smile, before turning and leaving the diner. She walks towards her car, and as she reaches her car, she steps in a puddle which is near her door) What the hell? (She glances around briefly for a few moments, before getting into her car and starting the engine) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold returns into his shop, and he stops when he sees that Hook is sitting on the countertop, playing with something in his fingers, clearly awaiting his return. Mr Gold does not look happy to see him.) Mr Gold: Making yourself at home, are we? Hook: I'm here to make another deal. Mr Gold: Not interested. Hook: Oh, you will be, unless you want Belle to learn the truth about your precious dagger. Mr Gold: (Begins walking towards Hook, and looks rather menacing) Tread carefully. I might just take your other hand. Hook: It's funny you say that 'cause my hand is exactly what I'm here about. (The scene flickers to moments later. Mr Gold is now behind the counter and a glass jar is sitting on the counter, with Hook's magically preserved hand inside. Hook is looking at it.) Hook: You kept it all of these years? Mr Gold: Only to remind myself I should have finished the job when I had the chance. Hook: Can you reattach it? Mr Gold: Indeed. But the question is, why? Hook: (His expressions softens slightly) I've got a date with Emma. Should things go well and she wants me to hold her, I want to use both hands. Mr Gold: (Still doesn't look impressed) Oh, I see blackmail brings out the romantic in you. But this hand may bring out the worst. Hook: What the devil does that mean? Mr Gold: This hand belonged to the man you used to be... cunning, selfish pirate. If I reunite this with your body, there's no telling what influence it could have on you. Hook: (Stares at Mr Gold for a few moments, before laughing) Sorry, Dark One. I'm not gonna fall for your tricks today. Nothing can change me back. Now give me my hand, or Belle finds out exactly who she's married to, because unlike me...You haven't changed one bit...Crocodile. Mr Gold: Very well. (Waves his hand and reattached Hook's hand) Don't say I didn't warn you. Hook: (Looks at his hand in wonder, before leaving Gold's shop) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At the Blanchard apartment, Mary Margaret, David and Elsa are going through record books of everyone in Storybrooke, in hopes that they will come across Anna's name, thinking that she might be in town.) Mary Margaret: From the first and second curses. If Anna was ever in Storybrooke, we'll find some trace of her here. Elsa: Your curses are very... thorough. Mary Margaret: That's just "a" through "e." David: (Walks up, carrying more books.) Here are the rest of them. Emma: (Walks into the room and she is ready for her date, wearing a beige dress and heels, and she's done her hair) Okay. I want honest opinions. What do we think? Mary Margaret: Wow. David: What your mother said. Elsa: (Curious) Is that just the corset? Where's the rest of it? Emma: (Looks down at her dress and is a little confused at Elsa's question) This is the rest of it. Mary Margaret: (Places Neal down in his cot) Someone's sister is going on a very big date tonight! Emma: Let's not oversell... Mary Margaret: (Takes a picture of Emma with her phone) Emma: (Chuckles, slightly embarrassed) Wow, I really need to get my own place. David: Cut your mother some slack. It's not like we got to send you to a ball. Emma: You sure you guys don't want help? Maybe I can get Hook to stay in for the night. Elsa: My sister put her wedding on hold because of me. I don't want anyone else to stop living their lives on my account. Hook: (Is on the other side of the door and knocks) Mary Margaret: (Sing song voice) Here we go. Emma: Okay. (Walks to the door and opens it. Freezing when she sees Hook) Uh... Hook: (Has now changed into modern clothes. Black jeans, modern leather jacket and button up shirt, with a leather waist coat. He also looks taken a back when he sees Emma) You look stunning, Swan. Emma: (Stuttering) You... Look... Hook: (Smiles and steps into the room)I know. Emma: (Scoffs, but she is still smiling) Hook: Now that I'm settling into this world, I finally thought it was time to dress the part. (He holds out a single red rose for her, with his left hand) Emma: (Doesn't notice his hand and chuckles, accepting the rose) Wow, you really went all out. Mary Margaret: (Notices Hook's hand) Uh, Emma... Emma: (Looks down and finally notices) Is that... Hook: Mine? Yeah. The Dark One kindly restored what he once took from me. It seems he has indeed changed his ways. Emma: (Flirty) So, what do I call you now... "Captain Hand"? Hook: "Killian" will do. Emma: Okay, Killian. We should get out of here before David decides to give you his overprotective-dad speech. Hook: Well, you can spare yourself the trouble, mate. I assure you, your daughter couldn't be in better hands. David: That's exactly what worries me, especially now that you have two of them. Emma: (Starts walking towards the door) I can take care of myself. David: You sure you don't want me to drive? Emma: Goodbye. Hook: (Smiles cheekily at David as he places his hand on Emma's back, guiding her out of the apartment) David: (Shuts the door behind them) I wasn't too hard on him, was I? Elsa: You should have seen me when Kristoff started dating Anna. It's the only time in my entire life that I've ever made someone sweat. Mary Margaret: (Chuckles) Speaking of which, let's see if we can figure out what happened to your sister. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Fairytale Land. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Anna enters Rumplestiltskin's dark palace, and she is in the foyer, looking for him. Rumplestiltskin is in the assumedly dining room, the crystal ball still in front of him.) Anna: Rumplestiltskin? Are you here? The door was open. Rumplestiltskin: End of the hall, first door on your right. Come on in, dearie. Anna: (Enters the room and walks to where Rumplestiltskin is sitting) My name is Joan. I was hoping you could help me. (Looks at Rumplestiltskin is curiosity) Is there something wrong with your skin? Not that it looks like anything's wrong with your skin. (Chuckles) You know, I have a cream... Rumplestiltskin: (Interrupts her) Your name isn't Joan. You see, uh, names are my stock and trade, dearie, and yours is...Anna of Arendelle. No need to keep secrets from me. I know more about you... than you think. Anna: So... (Chuckles) You know why I'm here? Rumplestiltskin: You want to know why your parents ventured into this strange land. Anna: My sister thinks it was because of her, but I know she's wrong. Can you help me? A Rumplestiltskin: s it happens, your parents paid me a visit on their journey. It would seem when one needs answers, I'm the place to go. Anna: What answers did they seek? Rumplestiltskin: Well, I can't just tell you, dearie. You see, aside from names, I also have a penchant for making deals. Anna: A deal? Sure, I'll make a deal. I'll do whatever it takes to help my sister. Rumplestiltskin: (Laughs) Whatever it takes? Oh, I love it when they say that. At the foot of the dark mountains lives a very old man... prickly sort, probably eats children for breakfast. I want you to put this in his tea. (Passes Anna a small vile) Anna: What will it do to him? Rumplestiltskin: Sorry, dearie. That's not part of our agreement. Oh, speaking of which... our contract. Sign here, and I shall tell you why your parents came to see me. Do we have a deal? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Anna is standing a few metres away from the old man's cottage. The small vile is still in her hands, and she's looking at it. After a few moments, she sighs and pockets it, before walking over to the door, and knocking.) Apprentice: (Answers the door) Can I help you? Anna: Yes... uh, maybe. I-I-I mean... Can I come in? Apprentice: I just put a kettle on the fire. Join me for tea and biscuits. (Opens the door) Anna: (Enters and looks around) Biscuits. You mean you don't eat children? Apprentice: (Chuckles) Is that what they're saying about me these days? Anna: Yes. No! Well... Sorry. Apprentice: (Starts sweeping the floor) So, what brings you so deep into the woods to the home of an alleged devourer of children? Anna: I'm on a quest to help my sister, but I seem to have gotten myself a little bit turned around. Apprentice: Well, you're welcome to stay as long as you wish. I assure you, the biscuits are delicious, and they are made with flour. Anna: (Walks over to the kettle when it starts whistling. She pulls out the vial to pour it into his tea, when she changes her mind and empties it into the fire. She stands and turns back to look at the Apprentice) Do you take sugar? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Hook have arrived at the restaurant that Hook has booked for their first date. It's a romantic Italian place, and many couples are dotted around. They begin walking towards their table, where a waiter is waiting for them.) Hook: Well, Swan, what do you think? Emma: I like that it's not granny's. Hook: (Rushes forward and pulls out Emma's chair for her) I've only seen you go on one date, and that was with a flying monkey. (Leans down, before making his way to his own seat) Thought I had to top that. Emma: (Opens a menu and chuckles) He set the bar pretty high. He proposed that night. Hook: (Removes his jacket) He also tried to kill you. (Sits down) Emma: Right. There's that. Hook: (Clears his throat and looks towards the bar) Shall I order us some drinks? Emma: Not tonight. Hook: (Gives her a sultry/look pose and his voice is flirtatious) Why, love? You a bit worried you'll find me even more irresistible after a few libations? Emma: (Blushes and chuckles) No. I want to stay sober tonight just in case the Snow Queen decides to crash our date. Hook: (His smile falters) You still think her being here has something to do with you. Emma: I don't think it. I know it. There was a puddle next to my car this afternoon. Hook: A puddle? What does that prove? (Senses that he's upset her a bit, and reaches across the table, taking a hold of her hands) Look, Swan. I didn't bring you here to worry about the Snow Queen. I brought you here to show you a good time. (He makes her smile as he raises an eye-brow, before signalling the waiter) Will: (He's sat the bar having a drink when he sees Emma and Hook) Oh, bloody hell. What's the sheriff doing here? (He exhales sharply and quickly finishes the rest of his drink, before ducking behind a waiter, hoping to sneak past) Sorry. Emma: (Sees the waiter about to place a bowl of breadsticks on their table) Thank you. Will: (Knocks the waiter)Oh! Oh, my God. Are you all right, mate? Waiter: (In the process, he drops the wine over Emma) Emma: Really? Will: (Tries to hurriedly help the waiter)There you go. Take your glass there, mate. Hook: (Suddenly reaches across the table and grabs Will by the collar, pulling him to him in an aggressive manner) Apologize to the lady, mate. Emma: Killian, look, it's okay. Hook: (Quickly lets go of Will and looks at his hand) Emma: (Recognizes Will) You. You're the thief that took off from the ice-cream shop.(Stands up, ready to chase him, as Will has run. She stops herself and sits back down) Nope. Not gonna do it. We are on a date. And I am not gonna let some petty fairy-tale thief ruin it. And there's an ice wall around the town... He can't get away. I'll find him, but he is not gonna ruin this night. (She notices that Hook is still distracted, so she reaches across the table and takes a hold of his hand, lacing their fingers) Killian? Hey. Look. It's okay. It was just a glass of wine. Hook: (Smiles at her, but it's not his normal smile) Sorry, love. I, uh, don't know what got into me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is in her vault, still reading up on how to save Marian, when Henry enters and looks through some of her potion ingredients.) Henry: Eye of newt? Dragon scale? Adder's fork? Lizard's maw? Regina: Careful, Henry, unless you want to spend your teenage years as a toad. Henry: So, which one of these is gonna unfreeze Marian? Regina: (Slams the book she's reading shut in frustration) None of them. I don't think I have anything powerful enough to counteract the snow queen's magic. Henry: Is it because Robin Hood still loves you? Regina: Who told you that? Henry: No one. But I know how this stuff works. I know that true love's kiss didn't work on Marian because he still loves you. But isn't that a good thing? Shouldn't you be happy? Regina: In this case, Henry, I'm afraid this may be something you're just too young to understand. (Sighs) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Hook have finished their date, and are walking back up the stairs to Mary Margaret's apartment. Emma is wearing Hook's jacket, and they stop outside the door to the apartment.) Emma: (Turns to face him) Well... Not bad. You actually managed to make me forget that Storybrooke was under siege from an evil Snow Queen. Hook: I was worried that our run-in with that thief might have cast a pall. I apologize for overreacting. Emma: (Runs her hands down his arms, before holding both of his hands) Hey. It's okay. (Blushes, and looks gives him a flirty look) You want to come in and have coffee with my parents, a newborn, and a human ice maker? (They both laugh) I really need my own place. Hook: I suppose we'll just have to wait till next time. Emma: Next time? I don't remember asking. Hook: That's 'cause it's my turn. (He turns serious) Will you go out with me again? Emma: (Looks at him for a few moments, before leaning into kiss him) Hook: (Kisses her back, and gets to hold her with both hands) Emma: (After a few moments she pulls back) Okay. (Sighs and hands him his jacket back) Good night, Killian. Hook: (Smiles softly and watches as she enters the apartment) Good night. Emma: (Enters the apartment and closes the door behind her. She doesn't notice Mary Margaret and David sitting on the ouch) Mary Margaret: So, how was it? Y Emma: (Surprised) You guys are still awake. Mary Margaret: (Chuckles) We want to hear everything about the date. David: Just for the record, some of us don't want to hear everything. Mary Margaret: (Enthusiastic) How was the restaurant? Did you go anywhere after? Was there a good-night kiss? David: That, for instance, is one of the things I don't want to know about. Emma: (Starts walking towards the stairs) I really need to get my own place. Good night, guys. (Heads up stairs) Mary Margaret: (Sighs) She seems happy. David: I guess he really has changed. Emma: (From upstairs) I can hear you guys. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (After leaving Emma at the door, Hook is walking through Storybrooke, still holding his hand. He comes across a drunk Will Scarlet who is now trying to break into the library. It's late and they are the only one's out.) Will: Oh. We'll see about that, won't we? Hook: Bloody hell. (Sees Will) Will: That's what I say. (Looks up and sees Hook, and he suddenly looks a bit nervous) You. Hook: I've been a pirate long enough to know there's nothing worth stealing in there. Will: That's what you think. Hook: You're drunk, mate. Go home. (He tries to move Will away from the door) Will: (Shrugs Hook off forcefully) Get off me, man. Hook: (Suddenly shoves Will back and punches him across the face) Will: (Holding his bloody nose) What the hell, mate? Hook: (Realizes what he has done, and steps away from him) You tell anyone about this, you're a dead man. (Moves to the side and leans against the side of the library, looking sown at his hand) Bloody crocodile was right. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Anna is back from the Apprentice's cottage and is back with Rumplestiltskin in his Dark Palace.) Rumplestiltskin: (Holding the now empty vile) So, you poured it in the tea? Anna: Just as you asked. Rumplestiltskin: And he drank it? Anna: Every last drop. Rumplestiltskin: Good! Then he'll live! Anna: So, now can you tell me why my parents came...(Realizes what Rumplestiltskin just said and stops) Wait, what? What do you mean, "live"? Rumplestiltskin: He'll live because he drank the antidote you gave him. Anna: Antidote? To what? Rumplestiltskin: Uh, poison. Anna: I thought it was poison. Rumplestiltskin: (Laughs) No! The poison's what he drank yesterday! What you had was the cure for that. Anna: I didn't give it to him. Rumplestiltskin: (Fakes sadness) Well, why not? We had a deal. Anna: We need more antidote. We have to go back to the cottage. We have to help him. Rumplestiltskin: Well... I'm afraid it's far too late for that, dearie. You should have listened to me when you had the chance. (The scene changes to Anna running back towards the Apprentice's cabin, and she enters without knocking, hastily searching for the Apprentice.) Anna: (Looking around frantically) He's got to be here somewhere. Rumplestiltskin: (Appears) Careful you don't step on it! Anna: (Jumps and sighs) We have to find him. You have to change him back. Rumplestiltskin: Oh, but I can't, dearie. Anna: (Stops looking and turns to Rumplestiltskin) Why? Rumplestiltskin: Because I don't want to. He was protecting something that I need. Anna: You were the one who poisoned him. Rumplestiltskin: (Giggles) Anna: (Sighs) Then why did you send me there with an antidote if you wanted to turn him into a mouse? Rumplestiltskin: It was never about him. It was always about you. Anna: It was all a test? Rumplestiltskin: And one you performed admirably. You see, he's but the first line of defence. And what he protects is also guarded by an enchantment... a spell that can only be broken by someone who has been tempted by their inner darkness and turned away from it, someone just like you. I knew you wouldn't do it. I knew you'd see the best in the old man. Anna: I never faced my inner darkness. Rumplestiltskin: What? Anna: As soon as I met the old man, I knew what I had to do. I could never hurt someone to get what I want. Elsa wouldn't want me to. So I was never even tempted by that inner darkness you speak of. In fact, I don't even think I have one. I'm, unlike you, nice. Rumplestiltskin: Well, then, dearie, I hope you're gonna enjoy spending the rest of your life locked up in my tower. It was part of our deal. (Produces the contract and holds it out in front of Anna) Anna: But I have to get back to Elsa. Rumplestiltskin: Then you should never have left home in the first place. Imagine the guilt she will feel when you don't return home from your journey... a journey you only took because of her. She will finally become that monster everyone fears she is. (He gasps in a mocking manner) I suppose the wedding's off. Anna: (Grabs a sword from the wall) No! Rip it up. Rip up the contract now! Rumplestiltskin: Well, I can't do that, dearie. No, I'm afraid the only way for you to escape your fate is by killing... Me. And we both know... You're just... Too... Nice. Anna: (Presses the sword against him) Rumplestiltskin: (Begins taunting her) Do it. Go on. Right through me. Do it. Do it. Do it! Do it! Do it! Anna: (Whimpers and drops the sword, before falling to her knees) Rumplestiltskin: You may never have considered dosing the old man... but you just thought about killing me. (Giggles) And now I have exactly what I need... the tear of someone who has faced their inner darkness and turned away. The love for your sister was all I needed. Anna: I should have known. I should have known the moment I met you... you're a monster. You take the most precious thing in this world... Love... and turn it into a weapon. Rumplestiltskin: Love is a weapon, dearie. Always has been. It's just...So few people know how to wield it. (The scene flickers to Rumplestiltskin entering the Apprentice's vault, and he walks towards the magic box, and he manages to open it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold has been working late, and he leaves his shop, holding a bunch of flowers and gets into his car. Moments later, the passenger door opens, and Hook gets into the car, slamming the door.) Hook: You were right. Mr Gold: Get out. Hook: I don't want this infernal hand anymore. It's taken possession of me. Mr Gold: You should have heeded my warning when I offered it. Hook: I can't control it. Remove the damned thing before it makes me do something you'll regret. Mr Gold: Was that a threat? Hook: Aye, mate. Take it back, or Belle learns that the dagger she has is as fake as your new disposition. Mr Gold: Oh, is it? Is it what? Fake. Hook: Well, you wouldn't have given me the hand if it weren't. Mr Gold: After you extracted that price, I switched the real dagger back. Hook: No, you're lying. Mr Gold: Am I? Seems you've lost that leverage you once had. So if you want to part ways with that hand and get this back, there's only one way I'll help. Hook: Damn. What do you want? Mr Gold: All in due time. Hook: And you think I'm daft enough to agree to that without knowing the terms? I'll find another way to rid myself of this damned hand. Mr Gold: I'm afraid that's easier said than done. You see, my magic put that hand on, and only my magic can take it off. Hook: (Suddenly burries his hook into Mr Gold's chest, and he breathes shakily at the sudden anger that just overtook him) Mr Gold: You'd think you'd have learned the first time you buried that hook in me... it never sticks. (Waves his hand and the hook disappears) Hook: That wasn't me. Mr Gold: You're losing control, dearie. Next time, you might do something to someone who can't be so easily fixed. (He's referencing to Emma) Hook: You have a deal. I'll do whatever it takes. Mr Gold: Oh, I do love it when they say that. Meet me at the docks tomorrow morning, captain. We have work to do. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (It's the next morning, and Emma is driving through the streets of Storybrooke in her car, and the radio is on, giving the news.) Radio Man: That was "left of the dial" by the replacements coming to you here on w-o-l-f 98, home of the original party animals. Current temps in the Storybrooke Metro area are 70s in midtown, dropping to low 30s out by the ice wall. Ain't it always something at the town line? (Ice suddenly appears on the road, and Emma's car goes out of control, and she manages to safely stop the car. She is breathing heavily.) Radio Man: But don't sweat it, not that you can. Wherever you are, chill out with us... as we head into another five in a row, brought to you by granny's diner. Granny's diner... it's better than you remember. All right, we've got a request here from Mr. rip van winkle, who is looking for something classic to wake up to. Well, the doctor is in. Emma: (Get out of the car and sees all the ice) I knew it. (Follows the ice trail and comes across the Snow Queen. She draws her gun and points it at her) Why the hell are you following me?! Hey! Stop! (She follows the Snow Queen into a small courtyard, but she has disappeared) What the hell? (Her cell phone starts ringing and she answers it) Now's not a great time. Belle: (On the phone) Emma, I need you to come down to the library. We have a situation. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook is laying on a picnic table at the docks, waiting for Mr Gold to arrive. He's clearly been sleeping there.) Mr Gold: Good morning, Captain. Hook: (Sits up and looks at Mr Gold) Mr Gold: Well... I trust you're ready. Hook: I'm ready to pay the price and get this over with. Mr Gold: Good. (He uses his magic to produce the Apprentice's broom) Hook: What are we gonna do with that? Mr Gold: This is gonna help me find an old friend. (The broom begins walking) After you. Hook: (Doesn't look amused, as he stands, placing his jacket on, grabbing his hip flask, before following the broom, Mr Gold behind him) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Anna is still locked in the Apprentice's house, when Rumplestiltskin arrives back carrying the magic box, shutting the doors behind him. Anna quickly stands.) Anna: I helped you get what you want, so give me what you promised. Tell me about my parents. Rumplestiltskin: Well, dearie, the King and Queen of Arendelle landed on my doorstep with an itsy-bitsy problem... your sister. They wanted something to take away her powers... Forever. Anna: My parents loved Elsa. Rumplestiltskin: Sounded more to me like they feared her. It's a thin line and, oh, so easy to cross. You must have known. They always wished she had been born a little bit more... Normal. Anna: Did they find what they were looking for? Rumplestiltskin: I'm afraid not. No one could lay their hands on that kind of magic... Until now. Anna: So, that's what the box does. Rumplestiltskin: Not the box, what's inside... a hat, crafted thousands of years ago by a sorcerer for one purpose... to steal magical power... and guarded all these years by his apprentice. Anna: What are you going to do with it? Rumplestiltskin: When the hat has collected all its ill-gotten power and is fully charged, I will be unstoppable. Anna: I thought the dark one was already unstoppable. Rumplestiltskin: There are limits, however small. Anna: No. You can't. That mouse... that apprentice... he dedicated his life to keeping it out of the hands of people like you. Rumplestiltskin: Too bad he's not here to stop me. Anna: What if he is? (She looks up where the Apprentice, who is now a mouse is, who jumps down and lands on Rumplestiltskin's hand, biting him) Rumplestiltskin: Aah! Aah! (From the pain of his bite, he drops the box and the dagger) Anna: (Quickly picks them up and points his dagger at him) Don't come any closer! (Looks confused when Rumplestiltskin obeys her) Wait... You're not coming any closer just because I told you not to? (Looks down at his dagger) I get it. As long as I have this wavy knife, you have to do as I say, don't you? Rumplestiltskin: Yes. That's how it works. Anna: Is that one of the limits you spoke of? Is that why you want the hat... to free yourself from the control of this dagger? Answer me. Rumplestiltskin: To be free of the control and to keep my power. Yes. Anna: Yeah, I can't let you walk out of here with that. So, please, give me the box. Rumplestiltskin: Remember, dearie, you can't keep hold of that dagger forever, and you don't want to be on the other end of it when I get it back. Anna: Then I command you send me and this box home to Arendelle. Rumplestiltskin: If I must. Anna: Wait. And, also, you can never hurt me. Or my sister. And you have to turn the mouse back into a man. Okay. Now I'm ready. Rumplestiltskin: (Obeys her, and sends her back. Once his dagger lands on the ground, he picks it up and screams in frustration when realizes he's lost the box) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook and Mr Gold are still following the broom, now down a street, before it turns up a path and heads towards a small cottage, which is secluded away behind some bush.) Hook: To whom is our bristled guide leading us? Mr Gold: Someone who wronged me long ago. And today, he's going to pay the price. (He knocks on the door and moments later it opens, to reveal the Apprentice, who doesn't look happy to see him) Hello, old friend. Captain, please see our host a seat. Hook: (Takes a hold of the apprentice and forces him into the house and into a seat and continues to hold him down) Mr Gold: (Enters the room, carrying the magical box. He places it on the ground and unsheathes his dagger, before opening the box, it transforming to a hat) Apprentice: (Looks surprised to see Mr Gold holding it) You have it. Mr Gold: Don't tell me you doubted me. Apprentice: Every dark one tries. Every one fails. Mr Gold: Might be time to update the motto. Apprentice: You may have the hat, but we both know you will never collect enough power to do what you want. Mr Gold: Oh, I will. But, alas, you won't be there to see it. (He turns the hat over and it begins to suck the Apprentice into it) Apprentice: No! (After a few moments, he disappears inside the hat) Hook: (Looks down at the hat, shocked and confused) Where the hell did he go? Mr Gold: (Picks up the hat and sighs) Exactly where I need him. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Arendelle ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Kristoff is in the stables with Sven and trying to feed him carrots. It appears Sven is down about something and won't eat the carrots.) Kristoff: Come on. Just one? Sven, stop pouting. You love carrots. What is wrong with you? Anna: (Standing behind him) Think maybe he missed me? Hmm? Kristoff: (Chuckles and walks over to Anna and they hug tightly) Oh! Not nearly as much as I did. (They kiss and Sven grunts) Not now, Sven. What is it? I took a bath this morning, I swear. Anna: No. No, you smell wonderful. It's just... my mission didn't go as planned. Kristoff: So they did leave because of Elsa? Anna: They got on that ship because they were afraid of her. They wanted to change her. They were looking for a way to take away her powers... With this. Kristoff: That is... Anna: (Interrupts) Horrible? Terrible? The worst news you've ever heard, and the world might as well end right now? Kristoff: I was gonna say "bad," but, yeah, what... what you said. What are you gonna tell her? Anna: (Sighs) I... I don't know. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook and Mr Gold are back in the pawn shop. Mr Gold places the glass jar back on the counter with the water in.) Hook: Okay. We're done. I've fulfilled our deal. Now take it off. Mr Gold: (Waves his hand, and Hook's hand appears back in the jar) Our deal actually isn't complete. Hook: I say it is. You can no longer control me, mate. I just saw you use the real dagger, so I know you're lying to Belle. You've got nothing on me. Mr Gold: (Pulls out a tap) Security tape... from the house we just left. How do you think Miss Swan is gonna react when she finds out what you did to that kindly old man? Hook: (Narrows his eyes) I know how that device works. And if I'm on there, so are you. Mr Gold: (Uses his magic to remove any evidence of him on the tape) And now I'm not. But you are. Hook: I only did what you asked so I could rid myself of that cursed hand so I could become a better man. Emma will understand that. Mr Gold: Even when she finds out the truth? Hook: What truth? Mr Gold: This hand isn't cursed. Hook: No, you said... Mr Gold: (Chuckles) You were right. Dark one lies. Dark one tricks. This hand is nothing but a lump of flesh. The only thing it did was give you permission, permission to be the man you really are... not some puppy dog chasing after the object of his affection, but a ruthless pirate who will stop at nothing to get what he wants. I did you a favour. I helped you remember the darkness that lies beneath. Hook: (He is now speaking in a threatening tone) Then you know that that darkness will have no problem crushing Belle's heart. Mr Hold: If you go after my love... You will surely lose yours. You threatened my marriage, tried to destroy the only light in my life, and for that, you will owe me as long as you live. Hook: What if I'm willing to take you down with me? Mr Gold: I think... I know you better than you know yourself, dearie. So here we are, Captain, still in business together. I think... You and I are gonna have some fun. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At the Sheriff's station, Will awakes on a bed in the cell. Emma, David and Elsa are there, still going through the record books. Emma sees he's awake and approaches the bars.) Will: Oh, bloody hell. Emma: Good morning, sunshine. Want to tell me why you broke into the library last night? Will: The what? Emma: Oh, that's what that place was? Will: I just thought it was a poorly stocked pub. Emma: Okay, I get it... every town needs a village idiot, but your little stunt pulled me away from an important investigation and interrupted my night off. Start talking. Will: The last thing I remember is running away from you, and then I celebrated my escape with a nice bottle of whiskey. Emma: (Pulls out the book "Alice in Wonderland") Did you celebrate with all your friends... Alice and the white rabbit? This was on you in the library. This was in your pocket. Mean anything to you? Will: Nope. Doesn't mean a thing. Emma: (Indicates to his black eyes) How about your eye? You get a look at whoever gave you that shiner? Hook: (Enters the station) Will: (Sees Hook) Now, that is an interesting question, isn't it? Emma: (Turns to look at Hook) Where were you? Hook: Sorry, love. I just got your message. I... Emma: (Softly) It's okay. I just need another minute here. (Turns back to Will) You were about to tell me who did that to your face. Will: (Looks at Hook again, before looking back at Emma) It's a bloody mystery to me. Your guess is as good as mine. Must have been some party, eh? Emma: Well, if you remember anything, I'll know where to find you. (Begins walking towards Hook) Will: You're just gonna keep me in here because I broke into a bloody library? Emma: (Turns to look at him briefly) Because you crashed my date. (Stops in front of Hook and smiles) Which turned out pretty good, despite the rude interruption. (Notices his hook is back) What the hell happened to your hand? Hook: It appears the dark one's magic wasn't all I'd hoped it would be. David: Emma, there's something I need to talk to you about. Emma: (Walks up to the desk where David and Elsa are, Hook in tow) Well, make it fast. I want to go after the Snow Queen before the trail gets... cold. David: The name the Snow Queen's been using in Storybrooke, Sarah Fisher, that name doesn't appear anywhere in the census records. Emma: What does that mean? David: You're right... She didn't come here by any curse. Emma: Then how did she get here? What the hell does she want with me? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is still inside her vault reading up on ways to help cure Marian, when Henry enters again.) Henry: Mom. How's it going? Regina: No progress yet. Henry: Look, I know I might not understand everything that's going on with you and Robin Hood, but there is one thing I understand better than anyone else... Operation Mongoose. Regina: The storybook? Henry: We're gonna find the author, make him change it. I think I figured out who has all the answers we're looking for. Regina: Who? Henry: My grandpa. Regina: David? Henry: My other grandpa, Mr. Gold. Everyone knows Rumplestiltskin doesn't get a happy ending, but look at him now. He just married Belle. He must have figured out how to change his story, which means he might know who wrote the book. Regina: And I'm the last person he'd ever share that with. Henry: That's why I'm gonna find out for you. Regina: How? Henry: By going undercover. (The scene switches to Henry standing in Mr Gold's shop. Mr Gold is behind the counter and is looking surprised at whatever Henry had just said to him.) Mr Gold: A job? Henry: You know, after school and weekends. Now that my father's gone, I realized that you're the closest thing I've got to him, but I-if you don't want me around... Mr Gold: No, well... All right. A few days a week. But, uh... stay out of the back room, and don't touch anything without asking. You can be my apprentice. Henry: What does an apprentice do? Mr Gold: Many, many things. First, you can start by sweeping the floor. (Hands Henry a broom) Henry: (Takes the broom and starts sweeping the floor) [SCENE_BREAK] [ End ]

Hook prepares for his first real date with Emma by making a deal with Gold to restore his missing hand in exchange for keeping Gold's secret about the Dagger that he gave Belle being fake. Hook discovers his restored hand brings out his dark side, and is forced into doing a favor for Gold to rid himself of the hand. Gold traps the Apprentice inside the Sorcerer's hat, and makes Hook responsible to ensure he won't tell Belle. Emma is followed by the Snow Queen. Will tries to steal a book that features someone from his past and gets caught. Henry takes a job at Gold's pawn shop to find out who wrote the storybook. In the past, Rumplestiltskin makes a deal with Anna in exchange for telling her about why her parents had traveled to the Enchanted Forest.

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Ted from 2030: Previously on How I Met Your Mother... Ted: She was completely amazing. She was amazing and funny and... Lily: You have feelings for Ted. Robin: Maybe. The Bar Victoria: I've just been offered a fellowhip at a culinary institute in Germany. Ted: Do you want to try long distance? Victoria: Yes. Robin: "This long-distance thing sucks, huh? And I really need to talk to you tonight." Ted: She's going to dump me! Robin: She's not going to break up with you, Ted. Ted: Hello? Robin: Do you want to come over? Ted from 2030: Kids, your grandma always used to say to me, "Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m.," and she was right. When 2:00 a.m. rolls around, just go home and go to sleep. Case in point: Ted: Hello. Robin: Hi, Ted, it's Robin. Um, listen, I know it's late, but do you want to come over? Ted from 2030: Let's back up a little bit. Robin: Sit. Good boys. Okay, remember, stay out of the liquor cabinet. I'll see you tonight. In Lily's class Robin: And so the life of a television reporter is very rewarding, and I stronly urge you to consider it as a career. Thank you. Yeah? Little Girl: Do you have a fianc ? Lily: Marshall was here yesterday. They just learned the word "fianc ." Robin: Oh, no, I don't have a fianc . Little Girl: Then who do you live with? Robin: Well, actually, I've got five dogs. Little Girl: Don't you get lonely? Robin: No, I've got five dogs. Little Girl: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely. Robin: Well, yeah, that's cats. I'm not some pathetic cat lady. Not that your grandmother is... Robin: Does anyone else have a...? Yes? Little Boy: Are you a lesbian? Robin: No. Are you? Just because a woman lives alone doesn't mean she's a les... Lily: Okay, let's have a big hand for Robin the reporter. All right, our next guest is another friend... Barney: So, Robin, you ever report on train wrecks? 'Cause I just saw one. What up? Tiny five. Robin: Ha-ha. Laugh now, those kids are monsters. They're going to eat you alive. Lily: He has a job doing... What do you do? Barney: Please. Kids, let's rap. You guys don't give half a brown Crayola what I do for a living, do you? All: No. Barney: No. I know what you want. Magic. [FLASHBACK] Robin: Hello. Ted: Why hasn't she called yet? Robin: Okay, you're making yourself crazy. It's Saturday night. Go out and do something. Ted: What's the point of going out? I got a girlfriend... for now. Besides, if I go out, who's going to watch the news? I'm, like, half your viewership. Robin: I'm flattered you think we have two viewers. Director: And we're clear. Man: So, Scherbotsky, got a boyfriend? Robin: No, and why does this keep coming up today? Man: Oh, I just thought that guy you were on the phone with... Robin: What? Oh, no, that was Ted. He's just a friend. I mean, there was this moment where we almost dated, but we want completely different things. Anyway, now he has this girlfriend in Germany and he thinks she's calling to dump him tonight, but I don't think she is. And besides, we want completely different things. Man: We should have s*x. Robin: What? Man: Why not? We're both available, we're both attractive, we're both good at it. At least, I'm good at it. And even if you're not, don't worry, I'll have a good time either way. Robin: Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, don't get involved with people I work with. Man: Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have s*x, it could be fun. Ted from 2030: Having s*x is fun. Man: Home number. Call me anytime. A lot of local teens in action tonight... [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: Hey, guys. Miss me? I missed you, too. Hi, Ted, it's Robin. Um, listen, I know it's late, but do you want to come over? Ted? Ted: Uh, yeah... Uh, hi, I'm here. Robin: Do you want to come over? Ted: Why? What's up? Robin: Well, um, I just finally set up my new juicer and I was going to make some juice, and I was, like, "You know who likes juice? Ted." Ted: I love juice. Robin: Great. So you want to come over and make juice? Ted from 2030: When it's after 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep because the decisions you make after 2:00 a.m. are the wrong decisions. Ted: Okay, sure. I'll come over. We'll... juice. Robin: Yes, we'll juice. Ted: Okay. Robin: Okay... bye. Ted: Bye. In a cab Ted: This is fine. This is totally fine. Cab driver: What's fine? Ted: Oh, I'm, uh, going over to this girl's house to make some juice. Cab driver: Nice. Ted: No, it's not like that. We're juicing as friends. See, I have this girlfriend, I would never cheat on her. She lives in Germany. See, she was supposed to call me four hours ago to have a serious talk. I still haven't heard from her. I don't know. Sorry to bug you with my problems. Guess cab drivers are the new bartenders, huh? Cab driver: You ain't kidding, kid. Want a nip? Ted: You can just let me out right up here. In another cab Cab driver: Where you going to, buddy? Ted: Park Slope, Eighth and Eighth. Okay, here's where I left off with the last guy. See, I have a girlfriend, but I'm going over to this other girl's house... Victoria: And you're wondering if I'd be upset. Hi, Ted. Remember me, your girlfriend? Ted: Okay, relax, Robin's just a friend. Victoria: Right. You're going to go make some juice. Ted: Yes, yes! Juice is perfectly harmless. In fact, it's healthy. Victoria: Oh, yeah? Then why are you wondering what she looks like naked? Ted: I am not won... Okay, even if I am wondering that, it's only 'cause you put it in my head. Victoria: Ah, but I'm just a manifestation of your subconscious, so actually, you put it in your own head. Ted: Damn it! Nothing's going to happen. Victoria: Right. Ted: Okay, okay. You want a second opinion? Fine. At the Karaoke (Marshall's phone is rigging) Marshall: Hey, did she call? Ted: No. I need a ruling. Um, I'm... Yeah, this is stupid. It's not even a big deal, but I'm on my way over to Robin's right now. She got a new juicer. Whatever. We're going to test it out. Marshall: Let me call you back. Honey, there's a situation developing. Do you remember the huge secret that you told me that you weren't supposed to but you did? The thing... about Robin? Barney: Oh, you mean how Robin's in love with Ted? Marshall & Lily: What? Barney: Yeah, she told me already. Go on. Marshall: Wait. So I'm the only one that she didn't tell? She told you and not me? Barney: Well, I guess I'm just better friends with her than you are. Marshall: Well, I'm better friends with Ted than you are. Barney: That is a lie! Marshall: It is not a lie. Barney: Okay, that's it! You and me! I'm not afraid of you! Marshall: I'll show you things you never seen before! I used to box in the Army! In the cab Ted: Come on, pick up. Damn it, Victoria, where are you? Pick up, pick up! Victoria: Cupcake? Ted: No, thanks. Where are you? Why haven't you called? Victoria: Oh, I'm out hooking up... with three other guys. Or maybe I'm a devoted girlfriend and I'm calling you right now. Ted: Yeah. Why do I doubt that? Hello. Marshall: Ted, I just saw the news and a truck carrying sulphuric acid overturned right in front of Robin's house. And it's melting through the sidewalk. You can see straight down into hell. It's bad. You should go home, dude. Ted: Marshall, it's fine. Nothing's going to happen. Marshall: Ted, what does your mom always say? Ted: Nothing good ever... Marshall: Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m. Go home! It's too late for juice. Ted: Dude, Robin and I are just friends. She doesn't even like me that way. Lily: Yes, she does! She likes you. She told me. Ted: What? Lily: It's a big secret, so don't tell her I told you, but she's very vulnerable right now and you have a girlfriend. Go home, Ted. Ted: She-she likes me? Lily: Yes. So you see why it would be a very bad idea for you to go up there. Go home, Ted. Ted: She likes me? Lily: Go home, Ted. Ted: Uh, you're right. I'll, uh, I'll see you at home. Lily: Good. He's going home. Marshall: He is so not going home. I cannot believe you just told him that. Lily: What do you mean? Marshall: Lily, here's what you just said: "Ted, whatever you do, don't go up there. There's a beautiful girl who wants to have s*x with you. And then she's gonna make you some delicious juice." Lily: No, he's not going up there. He has more sense than that. Ted from 2030: I did have more sense than that. Ted: Keep the change. Cab driver: Thanks. Ted from 2030: But after 2:00 a.m, my good sense was sound asleep. Victoria: So you're doing this? You're going up there? Ted: You want to get out of the way? Victoria: I'm not in the way. Ted: You know, if you had just called me, I... Robin: Hi. Ted: Hi. Um, I got some vegetables. I got carrots, I got beets. Robin: Or we could just drink wine. Ted: Wine... not? Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever said. Robin: Thanks. Ted: Make it a big glass. Robin: Sure. Ted: So, how's it hanging? Robin: Have you ever had one of those days where nothing at all that monumental happens but by the end of it you have no idea who you are anymore or what the hell you're doing with your life? Do you ever have one of those days? Ted: Uh, about once a week. Robin: I don't know, it was just a, a rough day and the only person I wanted to see at the end of it was you. So... um... how was the big phone call with your girlfriend? Ted from 2030: When the clock strikes 2:00, just go to sleep. Ted: We broke up. Robin: What? Ted: Yeah. Yeah, she finally called. We talked for a while-- how hard long distance is-- and then... she dumped me. Robin: Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry. That's just terrible. I feel awful. Ted: You're smiling. Robin: Am I? No I'm not. I'm a news anchor. Smiling's a part of the job. Thousands died in a tragic avalanche today. See? You're smiling, too. Ted: Yeah. I have no idea what that's all about. [SCENE_BREAK] At the karaoke *There's got to be a morning after...* Marshall: How much does Korean Elvis rock? I'll answer that. Infinity. He rocks... infinity. Lily: Okay, it's time for bed. Barney: What? No. It's 2:30. Lily: Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m. Barney: You know, I have found, in my travels... that all the best things in life happen after 2:00 a.m. When I look back at the best stories of my life-- the Liberty Bell incident, the little scrape I got in at the Russian Embassy, the almost four-way. Marshall: You never had a four-way. Barney: I said "almost." All those things happened after 2:00 a.m. because after 2:00 a.m. is when things get-- audience, say it with me-- legendary. Lily: We're going home. Barney: What's that? Interesting theory, Barney, but I'll need some proof? Okay. Korean Elvis. How would you like to have a drink with me and my friends? Korean Elvis: Rock 'n' roll. Barney: And it begins. At Robin's Ted: So, um... Hey. I got a new phone. Same as yours. Look. Robin: Oh, yeah. Do you like it? Ted: Yeah. Yeah. This is some solid small talk. I had that other phone, and it was good, but I think the whole time a little part of me wanted this phone instead. This phone... um... feels right. (Ted's phone starts rigging) Robin: Wow. Weird. Ted: Yeah. Uh, I should probably take this. Robin: I'll be here. (Ted goes out in the hall) Ted: Hello? Korean Elvis: Ted, this is your main man, K.E. I want you to shake your tail feathers down here ASAP, you dig? Marshall: Sorry about that. Ted: Was that Korean Elvis? Marshall: I'll explain later. Hey, we're headed down to MacLaren's. Ted: Um... Actually... I'm at Robin's. Yeah, and, um... I might have done something bad. I just lied and told her I broke up with Victoria. Marshall: Ted, I don't want to swear in front of Korean Elvis, but what the bleep are you doing, dude? Ted: What do you expect from me? It's Robin. Victoria's great, but, it's Robin. I've made up my mind. I'm going to end it with Victoria. Lily: Gonna? Ted: Yes. First thing tomorrow. Lily: Okay, but, but, as of right now at-at... 2:45 a.m. you still have a girlfriend. Ted, I love you. I love Robin. But if you do this right now, your entire future with her will be built on a crime. Just go home, Ted. Don't do this the wrong way. Ted: I hate how you're always right. Lily: It's my best and most annoying trait. Ted: Okay. I'm coming home. I'll see you soon. (Ted comes back to Robin's appartment) Robin: Hey. Ted: I should probably get going. It's pretty late. I'm sorry. I... Robin: Oh. Oh, no. I understand. It's fine. Yeah. Ted: Can I call you tomorrow? Robin: Totally. Totally. Call me tomorrow. Ted: Okay. Good night, Robin. Robin: Good night, Ted. They embrace each other Robin: Oh, my God. We're making out. Ted: Right. Robin: This is crazy. Ted: Right? Right? Robin: Should we go to my room? I mean, there's five dogs in there, but... Ted: Yeah. Robin: Yeah? Ted: Yeah. I just, um... I have to run to the bathroom real quick. Robin: Okay. (Ted goes to the bathroom while Robin waits in the living room) Ted: Stop doing that. Victoria: Whatcha doin'? Ted: I'm calling you. We're breaking up. I'm doing this right now, I'm coming out of this bathroom a single man. Victoria: Okay. Say, Ted... how long do you think that conversation's going to be? Length of an average pee? No. We're gonna be on the phone for at least 20 minutes. Robin's out there. She's gonna think you're in here taking a massive... Ted: What do you want from me? People break up. It happens. Victoria: Not like this. Not from the bathroom of the girl that you're about to sleep with. Ted: It's not ideal. The Bar Ted from 2030: Meanwhile, back at the bar, Barney was still trying to prove that good things can happen after 2:00 a.m. Barney: Come on, Lily. How many women can say they've been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis? Lily: I think he just spat on me. Marshall: Barney, you tried, I think that's great, but we're going. Barney: No! No, come on. Marshall: Yes! Barney: Dude, we haen't hit legendary yet. We're only at the "le". We still got the "gen." The "da." The "ry." Lily: Okay, if we're at the "le," then I say we follow it up with a "t's go home." Marshall: Oh, wow, you just got burned, phonics style. Korean Elvis: No, no, no, no, no. Baby, baby, baby, don't go. Just one dance, huh? Lily: Okay, seriously. Korean Elvis: Hey, I know what you like. Ted from 2030: And so, Barney was right-- the night was legendary. It would come to be known as The Time Lily Kicked Korean Elvis in the Nards. Marshall: Hey, you guys remember the time that Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the Nards? At Robin's Ted: You're right. I owe you a real breakup call. I'll call you tomorrow. Victoria: Good. So you're gonna go home? Ted: Why should I have to go home? You know, there's every chance Robin's the woman I'm going to marry. Victoria: Ted. Ted: It could happen. And so really, what's it gonna matter in 50 years if I jump the gun by one night? Look, I-I know this is a moral gray area, but... It's Robin. And I'm exhausted. I am. I'm exhausted from pretending I'm not in love with her. I think that makes this okay. Victoria: Oh, please. You just want to get laid. Ted: Yes, I do. You got me. That is exactly what I want right now. And so what? I want this. She wants this. It's happening, and if you have a problem with it, don't be in Germany. It's been nice pretending to talk to you. Thanks for not calling me and good night. Victoria: That's not your phone. Ted: This isn't my phone. (He goes back to the livingroom; Robin's on the phone) Robin: Okay. Bye. (She hungs up) I thought it was mine, so I answered it. Ted: Was it...? Robin: It was your girlfriend. You might want to call her back. Ted from 2030: I called Victoria from the cab and we broke up. Yes... And there you have it, kids. The stupidest thing I've ever done. In one night, I managed to hurt two people I cared about. And none of it would've happened if I just listened to my mom. So I guess if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's this: when it's 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep.

When Ted receives an ominous message from Victoria asking saying she wants "to talk", Ted becomes convinced that he is about to be dumped. That evening, Robin invites Ted to her flat to hang out. Lily and Marshall try to dissuade Ted from going, but inadvertently give him more reason to go. Meanwhile, Barney tries to persuade Lily and Marshall to join him in a "legendary night out".

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fd_Doctor_Who_1963_17x05_0

THE CITY OF DEATH By David Agnew (alias Douglas Adams with Graham Williams) (From a story line by David Fisher) First shown 29th September, 1979 Running time: 24:25 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. A planet (On a bare rocky planet sits a large grey spaceship. Four long legs hold it high above the ground. Inside sits a humanoid figure, but it has one eye in the middle of its forehead and has a head which looks as if it is covered in masses of green-coloured string. This is SCAROTH.) VOICE: Mighty Solex to warp thrust. SCAROTH: Confirmed. VOICE: Thrust against planet's surface set to power three? SCAROTH: Negative, power three too severe. VOICE: Scaroth, it must be power three. It must be. SCAROTH: Warp thrust from planet's surface is untested and power there is suicide. Advised. VOICE: The Jagaroth are in your hands. Without secondary drive we must use our main warp thrust. You know this, Scaroth. It is our only hope. You are our only hope. SCAROTH: And I am the only one directly in warp field. I know the dangers. VOICE: Three, two, one... SCAROTH: What will happen if... VOICE: Full power! (The middle of the spaceship starts turning as the space craft slowly starts to rise. The legs start to fold into the centre. Then it starts to shake and glow.) VOICE: Scaroth! The fate of the Jagaroth is with you! Scaroth! Scaroth! You are our only hope! Our only hope! Scaroth! Scaroth! Scaroth! (With a small bang, the spaceship explodes in a shower of light.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. The Eifel Tower, Paris (THE DOCTOR and his companion ROMANA stand on the top of the Eifel Tower in Paris looking down at view below.) DOCTOR: (OOV) Nice, isn't it? ROMANA: (OOV) Yes, marvellous. DOCTOR: (OOV) Marvellous, absolutely. ROMANA: (OOV) Absolutely marvellous. DOCTOR: (OOV) Well, I think it's marvellous. ROMANA: (OOV) So do I. Though it's not quite as you described it. DOCTOR: (OOV) Really? How did I describe it? ROMANA: (OOV) You said it was nice! DOCTOR: It's the only place in the world where one can relax entirely. ROMANA: Mmm! That bouquet! DOCTOR: What Paris has...it has an ethos. It has a life. A... ROMANA: A bouquet? DOCTOR: A spirit all of its own...like a white wine. It has... ROMANA: A bouquet? DOCTOR: It has a bouquet. Yes. Like a good wine. You'd have to choose one of the vintage years of course. ROMANA: What year is this? DOCTOR: Ah well, yes... it's 1979 actually. More of a table wine, shall we say. Huh! The randomiser's a useful device, but it lacks true discrimination. Should we sip it and see? ROMANA: Ooh! I'd be delighted. Shall we take the lift or fly? DOCTOR: Lets not be ostentatious. ROMANA: Alright. Lets fly then. DOCTOR: That would look silly. We'll take the lift. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] 3. A French Station (A train pulls into a small station. On both sides of the platform people with suitcases wait. The door opens and inside are ROMANA and the DOCTOR.) ROMANA: Where are we going? DOCTOR: Are you talking philosophically or geographically? ROMANA: Philosophically. DOCTOR: Then we're going to lunch! (He laughs to himself.) DOCTOR: I know a little place that has a wonderful bouillabaisse. Do you like bouillabaisse? ROMANA: Mmm! Bouillabaisse, yum yum! (The train passes the Eifel Tower then stops at another station. The DOCTOR and ROMANA get off. They look around and the DOCTOR points to the right. They walk in that direction, ROMANA skips most of the way.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. In the town centre (They run up the stairs leading out of the station and cross a busy road. They continue walking to the left.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. A quite path (As the DOCTOR and ROMANA pass a poster on a brick wall, The Doctor suddenly stops, opens his mouth as if he is about to say something, but he doesn't and moves on. At the top of the poster is a large animal skull hovering above a rocky desert. In a box underneath are the words: 25 Janvier - 31 Mai, 1979, 3 Millions d'Ann es d'Adventure Humaines, Mus um National d'Histoire Naturelle.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. Another Road (The DOCTOR and ROMANA cross another road, then a zebra crossing. In front of them is a small Cafe.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. A large house (exterior) (On one side of the road is a very large house. On top is a glass window. The door is carved with shapes of screaming heads.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. Inside the house - A laboratory (Around the room of a large laboratory are lots of machines and papers. There is the sound of voices and two men come down some stairs. One of them, PROFESSOR KERENSKY, is a small man dressed in white overalls and the other, COUNT SCARLIONI, the owner of the house, is dressed in a suit.) KERENSKY: But I can see no further, Count. Research costs money. If you want the results, you must have the money! SCARLIONI: I assure you, Professor, money is no problem. KERENSKY: So you tell me, Count Scarlioni. So you tell me everyday: money is no problem. (He picks up a piece of paper.) KERENSKY: What do you want me to do about these equipment invoices? Shall I write "no problem" on them and send them back? SCARLIONI: Will a million francs ease the immediate cash-flow situation? (The Count takes out of his pocket a bundle of notes. He drops them on the desk in front of PROFESSOR KERENSKY.) KERENSKY: Yes, Scarli, that will help at the moment, but I will shortly need a great deal more. SCARLIONI: Of course, Professor, of course. Nothing must stand in the way of the work. (Another man comes down the stairs. He is dressed in black and has grey hair and beard. This is HERMANN.) HERMANN: Your Excellency? SCARLIONI: (OOV) Ahh, Hermann, that game thrower didn't fetch enough. I think we'll have to sell one of the bibles. HERMANN: Sir? SCARLIONI: Yes, the Gutenberg. HERMANN: May I suggest we tread more carefully sir? It would not be in our best interest to draw too much attention to ourselves - another rash of...priceless treasures on the market. SCARLIONI: Yes, I know, Hermann. I know. Just sell it discreetly. HERMANN: Discreetly Sir? Sell a Guttenberg Bible discreetly? SCARLIONI: Well, as discreetly as possible. Just do it, will you? (Hermann nods and turns away.) HERMANN: Yes, sir. Of course, sir. SCARLIONI: Good, Professor. Excellent. I hope we are now ready to start the next test on our equipment. (The Professor is looking through a microscope. He holds two fingers in the air.) KERENSKY: Yes. In two minutes, Count. Just two minutes. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. The Cafe (Inside the cafe, the DOCTOR is reading a book on France. He and ROMANA are sitting round a red and white checked table. They are not the only people there.) DOCTOR: Umm! ROMANA: Any good? DOCTOR: Not bad. A bit boring in the middle. Don't move! You might spoil a priceless work of art! (On another table, someone is sketching ROMANA.) DOCTOR: Don't look! ROMANA: What is he doing? DOCTOR: Sssh! ROMANA: (Whispering) What's he...? DOCTOR: He's sketching you. ROMANA: Is he? (She suddenly turns round. The artist drops the pen he was holding and screws up the piece of paper he was working on and angrily throws it on the floor. He glares at ROMANA and goes.) DOCTOR: I told you not to look. ROMANA: I just wanted to see. DOCTOR: No, well it's too late now. He's gone. ROMANA: Pity. I wonder what he thought I looked like. DOCTOR: Well, he threw it down there. Have a look. (ROMANA leans down to pick up the paper, then there is a strange sound and the artist appears back on his chair, holding the pen and paper. He is again sketching ROMANA.) ROMANA: What is he doing? DOCTOR: Sssh! ROMANA: (Whispering) What's he...? DOCTOR: He's sketching you. ROMANA: Is he? (She suddenly turns round. The artist drops the pen he was holding and screws up the piece of paper he was working on and angrily throws it on the floor. He glares at ROMANA and goes.) DOCTOR: I told you not to look. ROMANA: I just wanted to see. DOCTOR: No, well it's too late now. He's gone. ROMANA: Pity. I wonder what he thought I looked like. DOCTOR: Well, he threw it down there. Have a look. (ROMANA leans down to pick up the paper, then there is a strange sound.) ROMANA: What's going on? DOCTOR: I don't know. It's as if time jumped a groove for a second. (ROMANA picks up the paper.) ROMANA: Lets have a look. (She frowns and hands it to the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: For a portrait of a Time Lady, it's not a bad likeness. (On the sheet of paper is a drawing of a broken clock face with ROMANA's features. Long hair runs down the side and on top is a hat.) ROMANA: It's extraordinary! DOCTOR: Yes, isn't it. ROMANA: I wonder why he did it like that. DOCTOR: Hmm? ROMANA: The face of the clock is fractured. DOCTOR: Uh! Ha! Almost like a crack in time. (He looks up slowly from the drawing.) DOCTOR: A crack in time? ROMANA: Lets sit outside. (They stand up and leave the cafe.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. The Laboratory KERENSKY: Time, Count. It will take time. (The Professor examines a small black machine, watched by SCARLIONI.) SCARLIONI: Time, time, time. Nevertheless a very impressive, if flawed, demonstration. I'm relying on you to make very fast progress now, Professor. The fate of many people is in our hands. KERENSKY: Although we will have much to thank you for. SCARLIONI: It will indeed Professor. It will indeed. How soon before we can start the next tests? KERENSKY: The next one, Count? Well... SCARLIONI: I want to see it today. KERENSKY: Today, Count? SCARLIONI: Yes, today! KERENSKY: Count, I think this is wonderful work, but I do not understand this obsessive urgency! SCARLIONI: Time, Professor. It is all a matter of time. (PROFESSOR KERENSKY looks puzzled as SCARLIONI turns round and walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. Outside the Cafe DOCTOR: I think there's a matter with time. Did you feel anything? ROMANA: Umm. Just a twinge. I didn't like it. DOCTOR: Yes. Must be because I've crossed the time field so often. No one there seemed to notice anything. You and I exist in a special relationship of time, you know - perpetual outsider. ROMANA: Don't be so portentous. DOCTOR: Me? What do you make of that then? (The DOCTOR unfolds the picture and looks at it again.) ROMANA: Well, at least on Gallifrey we can capture a good likeness. Computers can draw. DOCTOR: What? Computer pictures? You sit in Paris and talk of Computer Pictures? Listen. I'll take you somewhere and show you some real paintings painted by real people. ROMANA: What about the time slip? DOCTOR: Never mind about the time slip - we're on holiday! Come one! (The two time travellers get up and start walking to the Louvre Art Gallery.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. Outside the Louvre DOCTOR: Here we are, the Louvre. One of the greatest art galleries in the whole galaxy. ROMANA: Nonsense! What about the Academia Stolraus on Sirius 5? DOCTOR: Oh no. ROMANA: Or the Solarium Panatica on Stricium? DOCTOR: No No! ROMANA: Or the Braxiatel Collection? DOCTOR: No, no, no. This is the gallery. The only gallery in the known universe with a picture like... [SCENE_BREAK] 13. Inside the Louvre (The DOCTOR and ROMANA are in a section of the gallery looking at the picture the DOCTOR came to see. Around them, people are looking at other paintings. There is a lady on a bench reading an information booklet, a guide giving a tour around the gallery and a man dressed in a long white coat. He seems to be watching them.) DOCTOR: The Mona Lisa! ROMANA: It's quite good. DOCTOR: Quite! That's one of the great treasures of the universe and you say "quite"? ROMANA: The world, Doctor, the world. Don't draw attention. DOCTOR: What are you talking about? ROMANA: Not "the universe" in public. DOCTOR: I don't care! Look, it's one of the great treasures of the universe! (Everybody seems to be watching them.) ROMANA: Huh! DOCTOR: Go on, let them gawk, let them gape. What do I care! ROMANA: Why hasn't she got any eyebrows? DOCTOR: Is that all you can say - "no eyebrows"? We're talking about the Mona Lisa. It's the... (There is the sound of a lady talking and the guide comes up. She is showing round a group of people.) GUIDE: The Mona Lisa! DOCTOR: (To Romana) You're right! She hasn't got any eyebrows! GUIDE: A painting by Leonardo da Vinci in 1452. (She sees the DOCTOR right in front of the painting, so she coughs politely.) GUIDE: Excuse me, Monsieur? DOCTOR: Yes? (He swings round the opposite side to the GUIDE, but seeing no one there, swings back, hitting her.) DOCTOR: Oh! GUIDE: Oh, would you please move along. Other people wish to enjoy this picture. (ROMANA comes up to the DOCTOR.) ROMANA: What did she say? DOCTOR: She said... (There is a strange sound and time goes back.) GUIDE: The Mona Lisa! DOCTOR: (To Romana) You're right! She hasn't got any eyebrows! GUIDE: A painting by Leonardo da Vinci in 1452. (The GUIDE sees the DOCTOR right in front of the painting, so she coughs politely.) GUIDE: Excuse me, Monsieur? DOCTOR: Yes? (He swings round the opposite side to the GUIDE, but seeing no one there, swings back, hitting her.) DOCTOR: Oh! GUIDE: Oh, would you please move along. Other people wish to enjoy this picture. (The high pitched sound comes once again. ROMANA puts her hand to her head. The DOCTOR stumbles backwards past several people and collapses on the bench by the lady reading the booklet. The man in the long white coat takes charge.) DUGGAN: Alright. Stand back. Stand back. (He picks up the DOCTOR who has now fallen onto the floor.) DUGGAN: Are you alright, sir? DOCTOR: Yes. I just dented my head on your gun, that's all. DUGGAN: What on earth is he...? ROMANA: I think he's just having one of his funny turns. DOCTOR: One of my funny turns? The whole world took a funny turn! ROMANA: Come one. (ROMANA pushes the DOCTOR away. DUGGAN watches them go, then follows. The lady nods to a man standing by the Mona Lisa. She looks round to see if anyone is watching.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. The Laboratory SCARLIONI: Excellent, Professor. Excellent. KERENSKY: An unfortunate side effect. SCARLIONI: Not at all, Professor. The work progresses well. Now, I want you to find a way to vastly increase the time span. KERENSKY: I-I-I'm not certain, Count! Einstein says... SCARLIONI: I'm not paying Einstein, Professor. I'm paying you. Now continue with the work. KERENSKY: You're stretching my limit, Count. SCARLIONI: Only thus is true progress ever made. You, as a scientist, should be able to appreciate that. KERENSKY: Oh, I do, Count, I do. I appreciate many things. I appreciate walks in the country. I appreciate sleep, regular meals... SCARLIONI: (Talking to HERMANN) Hermann! HERMANN: Yes, Excellency? SCARLIONI: Would you please prepare for the Professor half a dozen Escargot Beurr followed by Notricot Bourgelais with Ariot Bair and Pomme Suite served directly here to the laboratory. HERMANN: (Writing in notepad) Yes, Sir. SCARLIONI: Oh, and a bottle of Chomberte. My own. Better make that half a bottle. (Turning to the Professor) Wouldn't want to interfere with the work, would we Professor? KERENSKY: (Sulkily) Eh, Count...I would really like to get some sleep. (SCARLIONI suddenly turns and calls back to HERMANN.) SCARLIONI: Hermann, cancel the wine and bring in the vitamin pill. I shall be upstairs in my room. [SCENE_BREAK] 15. Outside a postcard shop in street (The DOCTOR and ROMANA walk along but, unknown to them, DUGGAN is following closely behind. When they stop to look at some postcards and then paintings, he stops also, then quickly hurries on. They sit down on a bench next to a river.) ROMANA: Do you realise we're being followed? DOCTOR: Yes. All the way from the Louvre by that idiot with the gun. ROMANA: You did notice. DOCTOR: Well of course I noticed! ROMANA: Well, what do you think he wants? DOCTOR: Look in your pockets. (ROMANA turns to look in a pocket.) DOCTOR: Other pocket! (She turns to the other one and finds a metal bracelet inside it.) ROMANA: What's this? DOCTOR: The woman I bumped into was wearing it. Look at it. ROMANA: It's a micro scanner! DOCTOR: Someone's using it to get a complete report on all the alarm systems around the Mona Lisa. ROMANA: Were they just trying to steal it? DOCTOR: It's a pretty painting. ROMANA: It is a very sophisticated device for a level 5 civilisation. DOCTOR: That? That's never the product of Earth civilisation. ROMANA: You mean it's aliens trying to steal the Mona Lisa. DOCTOR: It is a very pretty painting, isn't it Romana? ROMANA: Yes. DOCTOR: Do you know, I think something very funny is going on. You remember that man who was following us? ROMANA: Yes. DOCTOR: Well he's standing behind me pointing a gun at my back. (The DOCTOR and ROMANA stand up and are brought with their hands up into the same cafe.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. Cafe DOCTOR: Two glasses of water - make them doubles. (DUGGAN, ROMANA and the DOCTOR sit down at a table.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. A large room of Count Scarlioni's house (SCARLIONI sits in a comfortable chair drinking a green-coloured drink while another lady, the COUNTESS SCARLIONI, is smoking.) SCARLIONI: And then? COUNTESS: I had this fool of a detective follow. SCARLIONI: Why? COUNTESS: Reasons. SCARLIONI: Please don't play games. COUNTESS: What else have I been doing all these years? SCARLIONI: Following instructions. Go on. COUNTESS: Well, this detective, Duggan, he stopped watching the painting and started watching me. SCARLIONI: Oh! Shown a glimmering of intelligence at last. Perhaps we should deal with him. No. He's too stupid to bother us seriously. COUNTESS: Funny that something else happened in front of the painting. SCARLIONI: Yes? COUNTESS: Well, this tall man I'd never seen before fainted. SCARLIONI: People are getting jumpy. He was probably overcome by your charms. COUNTESS: Only that as he fell, he somehow managed to get the bracelet off my wrist. SCARLIONI: (Very angrily) What!? And you let him?! COUNTESS: I had no choice! It was a rush and confusion. It was well organised, I'm sure. SCARLIONI: Right, that bracelet... COUNTESS: We'll get it back. The matter is in hand even now. SCARLIONI: I trust you will be... COUNTESS: Discrete? Course. [SCENE_BREAK] 18. Cafe DOCTOR: What bracelet? (A gun is focused on the DOCTOR's head. Two men in smart suits and black hats are standing by the group. One is aiming the gun. ROMANA hands over the bracelet and they leave quickly.) ROMANA: Are you alright? DOCTOR: Yes, I'm relaxing and enjoying Paris. DUGGAN: Alright. That is enough. Very cleverly staged, but you don't fool me. DOCTOR: What are you talking about? DUGGAN: Your men who were in here just now. DOCTOR: My men, those thugs? DUGGAN: Your thugs. DOCTOR: I don't think you noticed but he was pointing a gun at me. Anyone in my employ who behaved like that...I'd sack him on the spot! DUGGAN: Except that I know that they arranged to hold you up as a bluff. You're trying to put me on a false scent. DOCTOR: You're English, aren't you. DUGGAN: Yes, DOCTOR: (Calling) I thought I ordered two glasses of water. DUGGAN: Listen... DOCTOR: Doctor. (A waiter places three cups of water on the table in front of them.) DUGGAN: What's Scarlioni's angle? DOCTOR: Scarlioni's angle? I've never heard of Scarlioni. (To ROMANA) Have you heard of Scarlioni? ROMANA: No, I was never very good at geometry. DOCTOR: Who's Scarlioni? DUGGAN: Count Scarlioni! Everyone's heard of Count Scarlioni! DOCTOR: Ah well, we've only just landed on Earth. DUGGAN: Right. That's it. I give up! You're crazy! (He marches towards the door.) DOCTOR: Crazy enough to steal the Mona Lisa? (DUGGAN turns round and comes back.) DOCTOR: Or be interested in someone who might want to steal the Mona Lisa. (DUGGAN takes a sip of his water and says nothing.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. A room in the Count's house (The two men are there and have given the bracelet to COUNT SCARLIONI. Also in the room is HERMANN and the COUNTESS.) SCARLIONI: Good. Thank you. You may go. (The men leave and close the door behind them.) SCARLIONI: But not good enough. (To HERMANN.) Kill them. HERMANN: The detective and his friends, Excellency? SCARLIONI: No, Hermann, those two fools. HERMANN: (Smiling wickedly.) With pleasure, Excellency. SCARLIONI: (To COUNTESS.) So, one was interested in you and the painting and the other this bracelet. COUNTESS: Yes. SCARLIONI: I would like to meet them. COUNTESS: Of course. Just tell Hermann. SCARLIONI: No, my dear. You tell Hermann. [SCENE_BREAK] 20. Cafe DUGGAN: So you can imagine the confusion. The whole art word in an uproar. Masterpieces that have apparently been missing over the centuries are just turning up all over the place! DOCTOR: All fakes of course. DUGGAN: They've got to be, haven't they. Haven't they? ROMANA: Are they? DUGGAN: They're very good ones. They stand up to every scientific test. DOCTOR: What? And the only connection with this is the Count? DUGGAN: Yes, though nothing dirty can be proved. He's clean. So clean he stinks. DOCTOR: He isn't clean any more. The Countess has the bracelet. DUGGAN: How much is that bracelet worth? DOCTOR: Well, it depends on what you want to do with it. Uh oh. (The two black-dressed men are back!) DOCTOR: I think we're being invited to leave. [SCENE_BREAK] 21. Another room in the Count's house (The COUNTESS straightens her hair in a mirror then hears the sound of footsteps. She starts smoking and leans against the wall. HERMANN comes up, taps her on the shoulder and she jumps.) HERMANN: You rang, my lady? COUNTESS: Yes, Hermann. Where's the Count? HERMANN: Down in the laboratory, my lady. COUNTESS: With that Professor again? HERMANN: No, my lady. Professor Kerensky is resting in his room. COUNTESS: Thank you, Hermann. [SCENE_BREAK] 22. Laboratory (COUNT SCARLIONI is alone and he glances at his reflection in a mirror.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23. Outside Laboratory (The COUNTESS tries to open the door into the lab but it doesn't open.) COUNTESS: Carlos! Carlos? [SCENE_BREAK] 24. Laboratory COUNTESS: (Heard from outside) Carlos? (SCARLIONI reaches up to his head and grasps his skin, pulling at it. He rips the skin back revealing a mass of green and a large eye in the centre of his forehead...)

While the Doctor is exploring and showing the sights of Paris to Romana, they encounter what seems to be a blip in time. He then takes Romana to see the Mona Lisa and discovers a woman with Jewlery that seems out of place.

fd_Salem_01x06

fd_Salem_01x06_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Cotton: Tell me again of the visions. It says this object, this "malum," has thought to be present at every grand rite throughout history. Tituba: You would threaten me, your one true ally? Mary: So the others have turned on me. Tituba: Yes. Mary: Rose? Tituba: Everyone. Rose: I wonder. Mary: Wonder what? Rose: If he'd never left, would Captain Alden still hold such desperate appeal? Tituba: Tell me John Alden's secret. Mary: We had a deal. Mercy: Our deal no longer pleases me. Mary: What do you want? Mercy: I want to be just like you. Rose: The malum has fallen into other hands. Cotton: This object is evil. Woman: Aah! Cotton: It consecrates the earth for the devil's return. Rose: You filthy pricks. You coward! John: What are we waiting for? Cotton: Saturn... Rose: [Chuckles] Cotton: Planetary ruler of witches. John: Have you been drinking? Cotton: Most certainly. It's not every night I catch a witch with a... a "boob's trap" was it? Rose: [Coughing] Cotton: Lured here by that infernal box of yours, the malum. Once every 17 years, saturn stations direct... Rose: [Groans] Cotton: Exalted in its own house for a few brief moments. This will happen today at nightfall. John: And we care because? Cotton: A witch suspended beneath saturn as it stations direct, exalted in its own house, cannot lie. Reputable sources say it is why Odysseus himself dallied so long on Circe's Island. Rose: [Screams] Naughty lads. Cotton: We must haul her out into the woods... Rose: You need to be punished. Cotton: Bend her beneath saturn as it stations direct... And interrogate the witch. I've calculated the precise spot, but first we must secure her for travel. Rose: [Groaning] John: Why does my house smell like a pack of wild dogs pissed all over it? What is this? Cotton: Canis urinam... dog piss. John: [Groans] Cotton: Plus some medicinal plants. Hellebore, nightshade, bloodroot... in combination, the result is a powerful paralytic. Hold this. Hypodermic. Ingenious, eh? We live in remarkable times, Captain. New discoveries, new inventions every day. New weapons... To fight an old enemy. Rose: [Groans, grunts] Come on down, boys. The darkness is waiting for you. [Gasping] [Chuckles] [Laughs] Aww. [Laughs] [Groans] [Breathing heavily] [Growling] Cotton: We need to inject this mixture into her veins. Rose: [Groaning] [Laughs] Cotton: Get ready. Rose: Come closer. The darkness wants to taste you. [Growling] Aah! [Both grunting] Cotton: Hold her still! Jane: John! Son! [Gasps] Why are you doing this to me? [Crying] John: Mother? Jane: [Sobbing] It hurts so! [Laughs] Rose: She's in hell, Captain. She's the devil's favorite whore. She loves it there. John: [Grunting] Cotton: No, Captain, don't! It has to be precise! Rose: [Groaning] [Gasping] Cotton: That will do. ["Cupid Carries a Hun" plays] Pound me the witch drums witch drums pound me the witch drums pound me the witch drums the witch drums better pray for hell not hallelujah Mary: Afraid she'll steal the silver? Tituba: She is a dirty little creature. Mary: So was I when you first brought me here. Tituba: When are you going to kill her? Mary: Clean her up. Give her something to wear. And burn all her things. She won't be needing them anymore. [Bell ringing] [Indistinct conversations] Cotton: Truth be told, I long for a good look at her brain. John: Her brain? I can barely look at her face. Cotton: I believe that our abilities are regulated by our brains. I wonder if the devil has changed her somehow materially. Perhaps some region of her brain is abnormally enlarged. John: Or perhaps some region of yours. Cotton: Hurry, or we'll be dead before tomorrow. Mary: Observe, child, the quintessence of devoted marriage, how carefully I attend to my dear husband's toilet... George: [Whimpers] Mary: And how fearlessly he exposes his throat to my blade. Tituba: Come along, Miss Mercy. Mary: Leave her. Take him with you, Tituba. One's too few, and three's too many. Your eyes... so filled with want. The hard part's not getting what you want, child. The hard part's knowing what you want. Mercy: But I do. I do know what I want. Mary: Mm, of course ...To be just like me. Mercy: Someday. I hope I may be. Mary: Well, it's better to travel hopefully than to arrive. A story? Mercy: Why, yes, please. I haven't heard one in such a long time. Not since my mother died. Mary: No. Puritan fathers don't care much for stories. We women keep them alive. Yes. This one has all my favorites. You may borrow it, if you like. Mercy: [Sighs] No. Father says girls have no need to learn to read. He would read the only book worth reading and read it to me. And then, one day, he would find the right man to take over the job. God's will. Mary: Not my God. Mine likes us to read for ourselves. Perhaps I shall teach you to read someday. In the meantime, I'll tell you one... Mercy: [Chuckles] Mary: From memory... About... The queen of the night and how she became queen. Not all queens start as princesses. Mercy: Some begin in ashes. Mary: Indeed. Okay. Once upon a time, there lived a maiden, hair as black as night... [Chuckles] Skin as white as snow. And the maiden, she loved a handsome prince. And the prince loved her. Come. Mercy: Okay. Mary: But there was an evil king, and he sent the prince to his death. And the poor maiden, her heart turned gray as ash. One night, in her despair, a fairy came to her and promised her that all the world would be hers if she would but give up the last of her love for her dead prince. And though she wept to lose the only part of him that still lived deep inside her... She did as she was told... In the hopes that all her dreams might still come true. And so it came to pass that the ash maiden was brought to the king's castle. There, she met a servant who hurried her inside. And through the scullery door, she watched the lords and ladies of the land enjoy a sumptuous feast with the evil king and his queen. And at this feast, a dark prince slew the old queen with an invisible wave of his hand... [Silverware clatters] Mrs. Sibley: [Coughs] Mary: Clearing the way for the ash maiden herself to become queen. Mercy: And did she? Mary: Did she what? Mercy: Become queen? Mary: Yes. But you know the worst part about becoming queen? Mercy: What? Mary: It often requires marrying a king. And so the ash maiden married the evil king and became queen, her wedding night a consummation of joy and pleasure. George: [Grunting] Mary: But none of it hers. George: [Snoring] Mary: [Vomits] That night, she felt one monster on top of her and another inside. And she glimpsed what her soul was becoming and learned her first lesson as queen... be careful what you wish for. She served as the queen to the evil king. For two years that felt like 2,000. But when she could take no more, she begged the fairy to turn her back into the ash maiden. But the fairy refused and showed her all the kingdom that lay before her and said all this might still be hers. Rose: You know why the mathers and the sibleys and the aldens and the other founding families really picked this spot to be their new Jerusalem? This town will become one of the richest on earth. And who controls Salem controls the new world. Mary: The ash maiden understood there was no turning back. She would embrace her role as queen and all the power that came with it. That night, for the first time, she would use that power. And that night, the whole world began to turn upside-down. George: Stop your silly games, girl. Come here. [Laughs] Mary: For it was not by a kiss she might make a frog into a prince, but by a kiss she might make a king into a toad. Mary: Or even... George: [Sighs] Mary: I must bind you. [Chuckles] George: Oh. Mmm. [Sighs] Mary: [Laughs] Ah. Ah, but even bound... You are far too much man for me. George: [Chuckles] Mary: I need some help to handle you. George: [Sighs] Tituba: [Laughs] George: Yeah. Mmm. [Groans] Ah. No. Mary: Do you like games, George? George: Yeah. Yeah. Mary: You like games? George: Yes. [Sighs] [Breathing heavily] [Groaning] Mary: [Grunting] George: [Groaning, gurgling] Mary: Aah! George: [Muffled groaning] Mary: [Grunting] Aah! [Breathing heavily] [Muffled groaning stops] Mary and Tituba: [Breathing heavily] Mary: And so the queen came to rule the king and all his kingdom, and thus became the queen of the night. And so she lived happily ever after. [Birds chirping] Mercy: But how... how are we here? We're... In the woods. We were in your room. You locked the door. Mary: There are many doors to many places... For a witch. Mercy: I never said you were that. I-I'd never point my finger at you. I swear. I wouldn't. I-I won't. Mary: No. You most certainly won't. Petrus: Well done, my little hunter. Mmm. Enough of these, and I, too, will grow wings and fly South. Mercy: [Screams] [Gasping] Petrus: You only meet two kinds of creatures in the woods... the hunters and the hunted. Thank the moon we are what we are. At least for today. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scream in distance] Cotton: The call of a great gray owl, Saturn's mascot. It's nearly time. Rose: [Groans] Cotton: A bit faster. It's nearly in position. We must be directly beneath Saturn. John: Then what? Cotton: Then we get the one chance, a moment to ask our questions and receive the answers. Then we must kill her before the paralytic wears off. John: Or she kills us. Cotton: That would be the most likely outcome. I presume your flintlock will do the trick. John: Unless it doesn't. A gun puts all your faith in the weapon, not the hand. It either fires, or it don't. 8 out of 10 times, it works. But I don't think we can afford that gamble. Cotton: Then how about a sword? John: You surprise me, Mather. Cotton: [Chuckles] I fenced a little at school. John: Any good? Cotton: The most fearsome in all the divinity class. John: [Sighs] Well... This just may do. I should get it. Tituba: What is it? Mr. Hale: The samhain is missing. Tituba: What? Anne: Why would father be meeting with Mrs. Sibley's servants? Mrs. Hale: The good lord knows. More "busy-ness," I'm sure. [Chuckles] I swear I don't know what this world comes to. Everyone is all too obsessed with their "busy-ness." Anne: It's the future, mother. Bringing goods from far away, taking them on still further, it opens new worlds. And it's "business," mother, not "busy-ness." Mrs. Hale: [Laughs] It's all "busy-ness" to me. Mercy: [Panting] [Screams] [Panting] [Insects chirping] Aah! [Panting] [Whimpering, gasping] [Screams] [Whimpering] [Birds screeching] [Whimpering] Mary: Now tell him. Say it... this is what you want. Mercy: Yes! Yes! Yes! Mary: All the world shall be yours. John: [Grunting] Cotton: We're nearly in position... just past the crag. [Bird screeches] John: [Grunting] Cotton: This is it. We do it here. John: Here? I guess I should be grateful you brought me to the second most unpleasant place I've ever seen. Great place to interrogate a prisoner, Mather. Cotton: It's not I who pick. The old b*st*rd Saturn himself, he's right overhead. We must raise her here and now. Suspend her from that tree directly beneath the sky and let the planet loosen her tongue. John: [Grunts] Cotton: How is our Miss Rose holding up? John: Hasn't blinked an eye. Cotton: Good. That's good. Hurry. Just a minute to go. John: [Breathing heavily] Rose: Aah! John: Ohh! [Grunts] Cotton: The paralytic is wearing off! [Both grunting] John: Okay. All right. Rose: [Groaning] [Growls] Cotton: We're losing the moment! Rose: [Grunts] John: Pull! [Rope creaks] There. That should hold it. Rose: [Grunting] Cotton: Just a half moment more, and then she must speak! Rose: [Laughs] Thank you, sir. May I have some more? Cotton: God. Rose: Again. Do it again. [Laughs] The darkness is going to eat you little men. Cotton: For the love of Christ. Rose: [Laughs] Bring 'round your two whores. Oh, we will have a party. Gloriana and Mary Sibley. You ran away from big, bad George Sibley, afraid of what he might do. Poor Mary had nowhere to run. She faced down the puritans with the only thing that she had... that bottomless pit between her thighs. And where were you, Captain Alden?! Cotton: Alden, wait! John: [Grunts] Cotton: Wait! Rose: [Screeches] [Groaning] Cotton: Yes! Speak, damn you! Saturn compels you to the truth! [Bird screeches] Rose: [Raspy voice] What would you know? Cotton: Everything. Petrus: South, my friends. Someday soon, we will fly South. No puritans there and no snow. Like a flea in a blanket we will be... Warm. Tituba: You will go someplace far warmer than that if you don't remember who's in charge, cunning man. Petrus: Almost as quiet in her movements as the mistress herself. Tituba: I taught Mary Sibley everything she knows. Petrus: And how often it is that apprentice surpasses master. Tituba: Silence! The samhain is missing. She's not in Salem. She must be in these woods... your woods. Petrus: We have not seen her. We did see a witch in the woods tonight, but not Miss Rose. Your mistress, the one you taught everything, including, apparently, how to make her own doors. Tituba: Take care, cunning little man. It's a dangerous world. Remember whose side you're on. Cotton: What is the grand rite? Rose: [Raspy voice] Death. Cotton: For who? Rose: For you and all like you. John: Why? Rose: For all you've done and to stop all you will do. Cotton: How? Rose: Cruor innocentia. Sacrifices consecrate the land to our lord. Cotton: Cruor innocentia. "Innocent blood." Sacrifices. Then you have not yet begun. Rose: We have begun. Innocent blood flows. Cotton: There have been no unexplained deaths, no missing children. You can have committed no sacrifices. Rose: It's not a sacrifice unless it hurts. Are you hurting, Mather? John: What is she saying? Cotton: What do you mean? What do you mean? Rose: [Groans] [Ropes creaking] John: Cotton, we have to kill her. Cotton: No. You tell me what you mean! Rose: [Gurgling] [Laughs] [Normal voice] You think you can dangle me like a puppet? You're the puppets, all of you... puppets! [Spits] [Both grunt] [Deep voice] Neopheyn! Barbas! Aligon! Anaboth! John: [Grunts] Rose: Madicon! Furcas! [Groaning] Cotton: Her spell has raised the dead! John: [Grunting] [Corpses groaning] Rose: [Groaning, gurgling] [Sighs deeply] Mary: So, I have found you. [Chuckles] I owe you so much. I remember all you taught me... how to think like a puritan, to see through their greedy eyes... these woods were really mighty ships and houses in the making... and how, one day, we would use their unquenchable desire to seize control. Rose: All goes exactly as planned. Mary: And yet, you brought the malum to Salem without my knowledge. Why, Rose? Rose: John Alden. Mary: He is just a man. I am no mere girl to fall to pieces for a man. Rose: True malice, like that which powers the grand rite, ferments best in a loveless heart. I have looked into your heart, and it is anything but loveless. You still love John Alden. I couldn't take the chance. There is no part of all this, from your broken heart to the grand rite itself, that I have not planned. I put the very thought in George Sibley's head that he ought to to send John Alden away. Mary: It was you. Rose: Not a step have I not foreseen, right down to your bringing the girl here to the woods to kill her. Mary: And you. How came you to be here? Rose: Ah, I allowed myself to be captured and interrogated by them. Mary: [Chuckles] Oh, really? Rose: Mm-hmm. Mary: Why? Rose: To find out, once and for all, what is in John Alden's heart. You should be flattered. All you've become... the poor fool, he still loves you and always will. But I need your heart. I need it broken. And nothing breaks the heart like death. Cotton: [Screaming] [Corpses groaning] John: [Grunting] Cotton: [Screaming] [Gunshot] Rose: I merely saved Salem the cost and your Isaac the trouble of transporting their bodies to the crag. Mary: Have you met our newest sister? Rose: [Gasps] [Head thuds] [Corpses groan] [groans] Cotton: What? John: I thought you said Saturn would compel her to speak the truth. Cotton: It did. John: What truth? I heard only riddles. Cotton: Sometimes, the truth is a riddle. John: And the answer? Cotton: I don't know. I must think and then think again. In the meantime, that... Creature is still out here. John: I spent most nights for many a year alone in the woods knowing there was someone ready to slit my throat in every shadow, behind every tree, but you still got to sleep. [Sighs] Besides, she won't show her face again in Salem. She knows she wouldn't even rate a trial. Straight to the noose, straight to hell. Cotton: I admire your sangfroid. French for "cold blood." It's a compliment. John: Thanks. I admire your... [Sighs] Hey, don't hurry me. I'll think of something. Well, you came into these woods a bookworm. You're walking out a hunter. Cotton: A hunter without a catch. John: Ah, yeah, but that's good... a hungry hunter. That's the most dangerous kind. Cotton: [Sighs] [Hoof beats] [Horse neighs] Mary: Captain Alden. Reverend Mather. John: Evening, Mrs. Sibley. You're out late. Mary: I'm often sleepless. And I find the... Night air calms me. And you two? John: [Clears throat] Cotton: We were just... Tracking the retrograde movement of Saturn. Mary: Taken up astrology, Captain? John: You know what they say. The fault's not in us but the stars. Mary: I think you may have that the wrong way around. Cotton: Good night to you both. Mary: I would ask what really happened to you tonight. John: But? Mary: You'd never tell me. I know you. John: Walk you home? Tituba: Met the dark man, did you? One of us now, are you? There are plenty of tools in the shed out back... pickaxe, auger, drawknife... and you are somewhere on that list, missy, somewhere between a hammer and a saw. The lady of the house is mine, my lady. Now, you best not forget that. Mary: I see I got here in time before you could drown the poor girl. Tituba: Or dunk her as a witch. Mary: Tituba. Is that any way to talk about your new little sister? Tituba: You couldn't do it, could you? You looked into those big eyes, and you lost your resolve. Mary: I looked into those eyes, and I saw myself staring back. And then I knew. There was another way. She cannot point at me and say "witch" when she's one herself. I'll finish here. You know, Mercy, this once lived in the sea, as did we. Men think of themselves as rock, hard as stone. So they are. Hard, brittle, easily broken. Women know that we are mostly water. Sea around us... Sea inside us. When I hurt, I remember that. I remember what water is, what it does. It flows. It changes. It endures far longer than the rock. Mercy: [Crying] Mary: Oh, I know you went through hell this night, as I once did. Mercy: [Sobbing] Mary: Mercy... You will never face hell again... Alone. [Footsteps] [Door closes] [Door creaks] Anne: Father? [Gasps] Aah! Mrs. Hale: Come, child. It's time we talked about your father.

After successfully capturing Rose, John and Cotton plan to extract information on the Grand Rite from her during the planetary alignment with Saturn. Mary assists Mercy in becoming a witch, and initiates her into the hive.

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_05x05

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_05x05_0

[Grams' house Jack, Joey and Pacey have just finished watching Friday the 13th.] Pacey: Well, that settles it. I now have officially lost faith in Hollywood. Jack: It wasn't that bad. Pacey: Not that bad? Maybe through the haze of your eardrum-shattering slumber, it wasn't that bad, but as someone who actually watched that movie, it sucked! Joey: I'm just so tired of this trend of... attack of the "insert your vengeful psycho here" movie. I mean, they're so unbelievable, you know? What are the chances of a chemically imbalanced camp director luring pre-teens to a blood bath at the archery range? Pacey: Well, apparently they're pretty good at northern Maine's camp bloodsucker. Jack: You know what the problem is? Pacey: Yeah, I know what the problem is. You talk in your sleep, and you talk about things I don't want to know about. Jack: That's great, but the problem is that people forget that the scariest things are the things that are actually possible. I mean, isn't that why Hitchcock's so great? Joey: Hmm, I don't know. How often does a guy go around dressing like his not-so-well preserved mother? Pacey: Well, you save that for special occasions. Joey: Maybe I've just lost the will to scream. Pacey: Oh, please. You were once and will forever remain the number one skittish kitten in my life. (She gives him a look) It's not to worry. It's part of your charm. Jack: Weren't you scared of grams up until, like, last year or something like that? Pacey: Oh, absolutely. In fact, I bet it's making you a little bit nervous just being in her house right now, isn't it? Jack: Yeah, who knows what kind of scary things will be lurking in the shadows? Joey: Who's hungry? A girl can't survive on Dots alone. (Pacey and Jack laugh as Joey goes off to the kitchen to get some food. She finds a plate of brownies and heads back to the living room. The place is now dark and Jack and Pacey are no where to be found. The front door is open.) Very funny, guys. Ooh, I'm shaking in my boots. (She goes to the door to close it, but steps outside instead) What, is this part where the twins come out and invite me to play forever and ever? (she turns to go inside and the door slams in front of her. She tries the knob but it's locked. Suddenly someone grabs her from behind. She turns around and screams, leaning against the door as it opens. She falls to the ground as Pacey and Jack reveal themselves, laughing. Jack helps Joey up.) Pacey: Well, I think our work here is done. (Opening credits) [Gram's House Jack, Joey and Pacey are still in the house.] Joey: You guys do realize that this calls for serious revenge? Pacey: Oh, come on, Jo, we were just trying to prove, and quite successfully I might add, that you are now and will forever be afraid of your own shadow. Joey: You know, you two wouldn't be quite so sure of yourselves if you knew what a weathered scream queen I was. Pacey: Heh heh, that's right, I forgot. She's seen it all. Joey: I don't spend all of my time with you layabouts. I have seen things, disturbing things. Jack: Tell us a story, Joey Potter. Joey: I don't think you can handle it. Pacey: Right. This from a girl who 5 minutes ago was screaming bloody murder on the floor. Joey: Ok, Pace. It was Halloween night. Audrey was walking with me to the library, which was, in itself, a sign of the apocalypse. [Worthington Audrey and Joey are walking through campus. Audrey is dressed like a prom queen.] Audrey: Ok, I know like... half a dozen kick-ass parties we could be hitting right now, and you're going to hibernate in the library. How wrong is that? Joey: No one asked you to come with me. Audrey: I know. I'm just seeking clarification here. Are you the most bookwormy, pathetic person alive? Joey: Well, according to your party-till-you- drop-out standards, apparently. Audrey: Tsk! I'm serious. Nobody should be alone in the library on Halloween. Joey: Audrey, it's like I'm gonna be the only one. Besides, the reading material cannot be checked out, and every other time that I go there, there's always some other overzealous geek from my class using it. This is the one night I know it'll be there. Audrey: This is such Joey Potter logic. Joey: You know what, I'm really not in the mood to go out partying, what with everything that's happened. Audrey: Ok, ok, I get it. You're excused. Joey: Can I ask you something? Who are you supposed to be, anyway? Audrey: I'm Carrie. Carrie White, tragically misunderstood telekinetic heroine of the Stephen King book? Joey: Right, I know who Carrie is, but shouldn't you be doused in pig's blood or something? Audrey: Well...I guess, but... bleh! What cute boy is gonna want to talk to me if I'm all red and sticky all night? Joey: Heh. Right, but how are they going to know that you're not just some generic homecoming queen or beauty contest winner? Audrey: Because I'll tell them. Joey: You got the hair right. Audrey: Thanks. Oh, god, you have no idea how bad these shoes suck right now. [Library Joey is studying while Audrey reads a magazine.] Joey: Audrey, you don't have to be here. There are plenty of people. I feel perfectly safe. Audrey: Well...the first party did start 15 minutes ago. Right, like I want to be the first idiot at the punch bowl. Joey: Audrey, I'm not coming with you. Audrey: Well, who asked you to? Joey: I'm serious. I have to study. I'm going to be here late, and as much as I appreciate you coming with me, I'm fine. Audrey: You know, sometimes when I get scared, I like to count out loud. 1, 2... 3...4. It's very calming, ok? Joey: I'm surrounded by people. Why would I be scared? Audrey: Ok, don't look now, but...check out the creepy man at one o'clock. He's eating the peanuts, and he keeps staring at--don't look now. Wait, wait. Ok, look. (Joey turns around and looks. The guy is definitely creepy.) Joey: Maybe it's the tiara and prom dress that caught his eye. Audrey: Well, he's giving me the willies. Joey: Why? Audrey: Some girl was attacked in this library. She's lucky that she survived, and from what I understand, she's not the only one. Random person: Shh! Joey: You're just trying to scare me so I leave and I go to the party with you, and it's not going to work. Audrey: Why do you always assume that my concern is masking self-interest? Joey: Because I know you. Audrey: You know what? I'm going. Put your life at risk, see if I care. Don't stay out too late, ok? Joey: I'll meet you at the dorm. Audrey: Are you sure you don't want me to walk back with you? Guy: Hey, miss America, are you coming or going? Joey: She's going. Guy: Good-bye, beauty queen. Audrey: Excuse me. I'm Carrie, all right? Carrie White from the book and the movie. Is that not obvious to you?! God! (she stalks off. Joey goes back to studying.) [Library the library slowly begins to thin out until the only one left is Joey, the guy at the front desk and the creepy man eating peanuts. Suddenly the creepy man is standing next to Joey's table staring at her.] Man: Can I borrow a pen? Joey: Oh, yeah, um... I have one in here. (he takes the pen, but continues to stand there staring at her.) You can keep it. I don't need it. Man: You shouldn't be here after dark. It's not safe. Joey: Oh, well, you know what? That's ok, actually, because my boyfriend's on his way over, as soon as football practice lets out, so I'll be fine, but, um... thank you for your concern. (Joey goes over to the front desk. A cute guy sits at a computer there.) Excuse me, do you have the reading for the intellectual history of Europe? It's section 204, professor Downs' class? Library guy: Uh, let me check. Your name? Joey: Uh, Joey Potter. (he goes to get the readings and returns with them) Library guy: All right. Ok, you need to read these 2 articles, and there's a reference book in the stacks. (writing on a slip) This is gonna be your call number, Joey, and I still need to locate one more book for you. Joey: (looking at the stack) Wow. This is a lot of reading. Library guy: Yeah. Joey: Thanks. (she doesn't leave) Library guy: Can I help you with something else? Joey: Are you gonna be here for a while? Library guy: Sure, for another hour or so, why? Joey: Um... I was just wondering. Library guy: You worried about that guy? Joey: Kind of. He's just... he's a little creepy. He keeps staring at me. Library guy: Don't worry. He's here almost every night. He's pretty harmless. Joey: Oh, ok. Thanks. Library guy: You got it. (Joey goes searching through the stacks for her book. It's very quiet and there's no one around. She rounds a corner and the creepy man is standing there.) Man: Psst! Come here. (Joey turns and runs through the stacks. She runs straight into a the library guy. She gasps in fright.) Library guy: Whoa, sorry. Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I think I'm just having a little bit of a moment. Um... [Whispering] I think that guy is following me. Library guy: The creepy old guy? Well, actually, he just left. Joey: Are you sure? Library guy: Yeah. Look, do you want me to call campus security? Joey: Uh, no. Library guy: You sure? Joey: Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about it. Library guy: Ok, well, I was looking for you anyway. The other book that you need is in special editions. Joey: Where's that? Library guy: That's downstairs. Joey: Are they still open? Library guy: Um... well, they should be for another, like, 10 minutes. You want me to walk you down there? Joey: Heh! Um... no, I'm ok. Thank you. Library guy: Ok. (Joey walks downstairs into a very secluded area. She goes to the special editions room and tries the knob but it's locked. She knocks on it.) Joey: Hello? (Suddenly she hears a door slam and sees a shadow of someone coming. She ducks into a maintenance closet. A figure passes the door, but continues on and after she hears a door close in the distance, she proceeds out of the closet. She rushes back up to the ground level and runs into the library guy. She screams.) Library guy: Whoa! You ok? Joey: Yeah. I'm so happy to see you. That creepy man is down here. Library guy: Yeah, I know. He followed you, and I followed him. Joey: Thank you. Library guy: Yeah, look, you're gonna be fine. Why (the creepy man comes out of no where and attacks the library guy.) Joey: ohh! Man: (to Joey) You should've listened to me, sweetie. (The library guy attacks the creepy man, knocking him out with something.) Library guy: (to Joey) Come on. (she follows him to the front door, where he pulls out his keys and locks it.) Joey: What are you doing? Library guy: So you think you could put up a fight? Because I like that in a girl. Joey: Who was he? Library guy: A cop. He was right, you know. Should've listened to him, sweetie. Joey: So you're the guy-- you're the guy who attacked that girl last semester. Library guy: Shh. Don't tell anyone, ok? (as he moves to attack her, Joey fan kicks him in the head. He continues after her and she continues to fight back, throwing books at him and using all these crazy kick boxing moves until she finally knocks him out. The cop comes to and sees what Joey did.) Creepy guy/Cop: Unh. Wow. You pretty much crouching-tigered his ass. Joey: Yeah, I guess that kickboxing class actually paid off. [Grams' House Jack, Joey and Pacey sit around telling their ghost stories.] Jack: Yeah, it's a decent thrill, Jo. But as scary as the stacks may be after hours, I think the fraternity house has you beat in terms of the creep factor. Joey: So I'm assuming you're talking more than keg stands and Rufies (a date rap drug)? Jack: I get enough of that from my common-law wife, all right? Joey: I'm sorry, but what could a fella possibly have to worry about in the loving arms of his brethren? Jack: Late nights in the basement, with the right provisions, of course, the mind can start to play tricks on you. [Frat House Outside. Jack walks up to the house as a bunch of his brothers are all leaving dressed in tuxes.] Jack: Hey, guys. Have fun tonight. Guy: See you, Jack. [Frat House Basement. Jack, Moskowitz and Brady are cleaning out some boxes and looking at old stuff collected from previous years.] Moskowitz: We are way cooler than these dorks. Jack: (he pulls an old radio out of a box) Check this out. Moskowitz: Does it work? Jack: I don't know. Anybody know the, uh... call numbers to the campus radio station? Brady: 96.6. My roommate listens to the morning show. Jack: My friend Jen, she's working the night shift. Moskowitz: Is she hot? Jack: I don't really know how to answer that. Moskowitz: Yes or no? Jack: Yes. Moskowitz: You have to bring her over some time. (Jack starts coughing this nasty cough.) Dude, are you ok? Jack: Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I just caught some of that flu that's going around. I'm flying high on some of that extra-strength cough medicine. Moskowitz: You want some Jack, Jack? Joey: No. No, thanks. It's probably not a good idea. Moskowitz: It's good for you. It'll kill the virus. Brady? Brady: Nah, man, I'm good. Thanks. Moskowitz: Come on, you guys. Don't be wusses. We are at the peak of our sexual primes. It's all downhill from here. We should be out partying tonight instead of in latrine-duty hell. Live a little. Brady: I believe this is what's known as peer pressure. Yeah. Ok. What the hell? (Moskowitz serves a couple shots of Jack Daniels.) Jack: All right. As long as it kills the virus. Moskowitz: Here you go. Jack: Ugh, that's some strong stuff. Brady: Class of '68? Hey, this is my dad's class. Jack: Which one is he? Brady: He's right there. Oh, my god. He's a total dork. Jack: He's just doing that hippie thing, man. It was the sixties, you know? Brady: 1968. I can't believe he was ever this young. Moskowitz: Wasn't that the year some guy offed himself? Brady: Yeah, yeah. He was a total psycho. His roommate boffed his girlfriend, and he went ballistic. He slit his wrists in the bathroom. Moskowitz: I heard she did everybody on the whole floor, and then he went out on the main quad and hung himself. Jack: Now, that's disturbing. (Jack looks peeked) Brady: Hey, man, are you ok? Jack: I don't know. I don't feel so good Moskowitz: Dude, this is a vomit-free zone. All right? There's a bathroom right back there. Why don't you go use it? Jack: All right, all right. I got it. (Jack goes into the bathroom and closes the door. He washes his face in the sink and when he stands up, he sees the shadow of a person running past in the mirror. Jack swings around, but no one is there. He goes back into the other room and no one is around.) Guys? (The picture of Brady's dad is hanging on something and it suddenly falls off and the glass breaks all over the floor. As he moves around the room, what Jack doesn't notice is 60s music is playing on the radio. He begins to hear the noise of someone in a closet.) Hello? Somebody there? (he opens the closet door and finds a guy tied up with his mouth taped over.) Oh, my god. Are you ok? Are you all right? (he rips the tape off his mouth) Tad: Yeah. I'm ok. Jack: (helping him into the common room and onto a couch) Let's get you out of here. Sit down. How the hell did this happen? Tad: A couple of the guys, they're hazing, you know? Jack: Are you sure you're ok? Tad: I think so. I just... I must have passed out or something. Jack: This is insane. I mean, they coulda killed you. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna get you some water. You want some water? Tad: No. I'm ok. Jack: Well, who did this? Tad: I don't wanna say their names. I'm a new pledge. It'd be indiscreet. Jack: No, it's cool. I'm with the new pledge class, too. I'm Jack. Tad: I'm Tad. Jack: I haven't seen you around before. Tad: Yeah, I don't remember seeing you, either. Jack: Oh. Well, can you get up? I mean, give it a try, at least. (he tries to help Tad up, but he looks to be in pain. He sets Tad back down.) All right, all right. Forget it, forget it. Just stay here, all right? I'll tell you what. I'm gonna, uh, I'm gonna go try and find a few of the guys. Tad: No, please. I don't want anyone to know about this. Jack: Why? Tad: They already hate me. I don't want to make it any worse. Jack: Who--who hates you? Tad: The brothers. Jack: That doesn't make any sense. I mean, if they hate you, why would they pledge you? Tad: My father, he's one of the founding members of the fraternity. I'm a legacy. They had to pledge me. Jack: But all the guys that I've met here have been really cool. I can't even believe that they would allow this. Tad: They've been on my case since day one. Jack: Why? Tad: Forget it. I'm fine. I just need to rest a bit. Jack: Tad. I'm not like the rest of the guys, all right? You can talk to me. Tad: No. I'm gonna get myself into more trouble. Jack: I'm serious, ok? Whatever it is, it's fine. Tad: I told my roommate that, uh, I had feelings for him. Jack: Yeah, so? Tad: So, I never should've done it. I mean, we got drunk. I just blurted it out, and I'm not even sure I meant it. I just thought that somehow he might feel the same way. Jack: I'm not quite gettin' it. This is a big deal deal because Tad: Because I'm gay. Jack: Yeah, I got that already. I'm right there with you, buddy. Tad: I don't believe you. Jack: It's true. All the guys, when they took me in as a pledge, they knew this. Which is why I'm shocked that they're treating you like this. But this shouldn't happen, man. We're living in the 21st century. Tad: Maybe you are. (he moves around like he's in pain) Jack: What's the matter? Tad: I need to sleep. Jack: You stay here. I'm gonna go get you some water. Tad: You're not calling for help, are you? Jack: No. No, I'm gonna get you some water. Tad: Jack? Jack: Yeah? Tad: You're a cool guy. A great addition to the house. I wish there were more like you. Jack: I'll be right back. (Jack goes into the other room and tries to call someone on his cell phone. As he's about to make the call, he notices the picture that broke earlier is now back in one piece. He picks up the frame and notices that Tad is one of the men in the picture.) No way. (He goes back to find Tad. The music has now changed back to current hits and Tad is gone.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Grams' House Jack, Joey and Pacey sit around the living room, continuing their stories.] Pacey: Don't get me wrong, you guys. You do spin a scary yarn, but in my estimation, what the whole world needs is a good old-fashioned urban legend. Jack: Yeah, that's all we need-- more predictable stories about a guy with a hook for an arm that kills the amorous couple. Pacey: Hey, those stories exist for a reason, Jack. Joey: Right, to discourage teenagers from drinking and having s*x in the woods. Pacey: Ok. Say what you will, but I have experienced a few of those time-tested tales in my day. Jack: See? This is further evidence of the double life that Pacey leads. You know, the fathoms of the sea and the seedy underbelly of the city. Pacey: Jack is absolutely correct. I have seen the dark side. And he's also right in that the scariest stuff does take place in the everyday, which the last time for me was this one night with Karen. Joey: Who's Karen? Pacey: Do you really want to have that conversation now? Joey: Uh, no. Sorry. Sugar high. Pacey: Ok. So, this one night, it was before all the drama reared its head. I'm giving her a ride home in Brecher's car. I'm just driving down the road Joey: Oh, let me guess, the road stretched out before you lit only by the full moon above? Pacey: Something like that, yes. So, here I am, giving her a ride home in Brecher's car... [Open road Pacey is driving Karen home in a Silver BMW.] Pacey: I gotta hand it to Brecher. This is a sweet ride. Karen: It's his wife's car, actually. His Porsche is in the shop. Pacey: You're kidding me. A Porsche? Karen: 9-11 turbo, black on black. Yet another reason to worship him. Pacey: I don't worship the guy. Karen: It's perfectly understandable. Pacey: What? Karen: Your little-boy crush on Danny. Pacey: Excuse me? Karen: Come on, I mean, it doesn't mean you're gay or anything. I mean, you know, he's charismatic, charming, cute. Pacey: I look up to the guy. That's it, ok? Karen: If you say so. Pacey: Look, Brecher is the only guy who's ever made me feel like I'm good at anything, and he's the only person I know who doesn't make me feel like a complete freak for not going to college, and if you knew anything about my life, which you don't, then you would know that that's deserving of no small amount of hero worship. Ok? (Pacey flashes his lights at a car passing with his headlights off.) Karen: What are you doing? Pacey: His lights were off. Karen: I don't think that was such a great idea. Pacey: That's the universal sign for "hey, buddy, your lights are off." Karen: It's also an invitation for trouble. Pacey: What are you talking about? Karen: No, I heard about this. It's like a gang initiation thing. No, I'm serious. They send out their new members in a car with the headlights turned off, and the first person who flashes their lights at them, they're supposed to hunt them down and run them off the road. It's a game to them. Pacey: All right. I don't know what Mad Max, post-apocalyptic universe you live in, but in mine, that's just simple driver courtesy. Karen: Fine. I'm making it up. Pacey: Now, I didn't say that you're making it up. It's just, you know, some people forget to turn on their lights. Karen: Hey, I hope I'm wrong. (she turns around and looks out the window) But I'm not. U-turn. Pacey: What? Karen: He's following us. Pacey: Ok. Now you're being paranoid. Karen: Am I? (Pacey looks in his rear view and sees the guy following) Pacey: What is this guy's problem? Karen: God, you just had to be the good Samaritan, didn't you? Pacey: Look, could you just save the tutorial for a little bit later, please? (the car behind slams into the BMW.) What the hell was that?! Karen: There's a truck stop ahead. Pacey: Where? Karen: Right there. (They pull off into the truck stop and park. They get out of the car and Pacey goes to the back to look at the damage.) Pacey: Damn! Oh, damn! Brecher is going to kill me. Karen: Yeah. I bet he's not going to take you to the prom anymore either. Pacey: Heh heh. You're gettin' funnier every minute, let me tell ya. Karen: (trying her cell phone) I can't get a signal. (she points inside the diner.) Pacey: [Sighs] Fine. (they go inside and walks up to the pay phone. Pacey picks up the receiver and Karen points to an Out of Order sign.) Karen: Well... why is this not surprising? (they walks into the middle of the diner, looking around. A waitress walks up to them.) Waitress: [Clears throat] Are you standin' or sittin'? Pacey: Uh, do you mind if we use your telephone? Waitress: (pointing to the pay phone) It's over there. Pacey: No. That one's out of order. Waitress: Well, then I guess you're out of luck, ain't ya? Pacey: [Sighs] Look, lady, I'm having Karen: Pacey. Pacey: Just a second. Karen: Pacey, look. Pacey: I'm having-- what?! Karen: Look. (she points to the black mustang that was chasing them, which is now parked outside next to Brecher's BMW.) Pacey: (to the patrons) Ok. Which one of you is it, huh? Which one of you inbred, redneck freaks smashed into my car? Huh? A show of hands. Maybe you, huh? In the jeans shirt. Man: (walking up) Get outta my place. Pacey: Oh, no, no. Someone in here smashed into my car. Man: Not my problem. Pacey: Oh, is your problem. Is everybody's Man: Leave! Pacey: Oh, my. You really should think about seeing a dentist. (they get back into the BMW and tear out of the place. After awhile on the road, Pacey breaks suddenly.) You have got to be kidding me. (the black mustang is up ahead, blocking the road, facing them.) Karen: Ok. What are you doing? Pacey: Just hold on. (Pacey revs the car. The mustang revs his car and they both take off towards each other, playing chicken. At the last minute, Pacey pulls the emergency break and the BMW skids out. The black mustang goes off into a ditch and crashes. Karen immediately gets out of the car.) Karen: Pop the trunk. Pacey: Hey. Where are you going? Karen: Just do it. Pacey: Lady, are you nuts? Ohh, I have got to start meeting less angry women. (Karen gets a bat out of the trunk and approaches the mustang.) Karen: Get out of the car! (She stands near the door with the bat raised. Pacey moves to open the door, leaving room for her to swing. He opens the door and they find the car empty.) Pacey: Ok. What do you say I drive you home now? Karen: Yeah. All right. Thanks for a lovely evening. [Grams' House Jack, Joey and Pacey sit around the living room telling stories.] Jack: So, I guess what we can conclude from this evening is that we can't offer much more of a thrill than the average slasher flick. Joey: You know, maybe what they say about our generation is true, how we've grown up immune to the media. Look at reality television. Suddenly, it's normal to see people guzzling blood on prime-time. Pacey: You're not going to distract us with this jaded prattle because Jack and I both know that you still check under the bed before you go to sleep. Jack: (as Grams walks in) Hey, Grams. Grams: Hello. I trust I'm not interrupting any unsavory activity here. Joey: Nope. We're as clean as they come, actually. We're just literally sitting around the fire telling ghost stories. Grams: Oh, well, you all haven't had enough life experience to tell a truly chilling tale. But, uh, if you novices think you can handle it, I think I might just have a good one. Jack: Uh, you're gonna be hard pressed to scare us, Grams. I mean, we're just a bunch of jaded cinephiles that don't even flinch at the sight of blood splattering all over the pavement anymore. Grams: Thank you for that sweet dream imagery, Jack. Now, then. A truly scary story should hit you where you live, find you in a safe place, and turn it into a den of nightmares. Pacey: Ok. Mission accomplished, Mrs. Ryan, 'cause I'm starting to feel a little freaked out. Grams: Good. My story-- actually, its Jennifer's story-- an experience that terrified her so deeply, she could never bear to relive the tale. It happened the first night she was on her own at the radio station. She was alone in the booth. It was getting on towards midnight. [Radio Station Jen is DJ'ing.] Jen: Ok, people. I'm back, and I've been saving one last song for you. (She puts a record of Marilyn Manson's Sweet Dreams on. She notices a twig from a tree outside hitting the glass. She goes outside to investigate, placing a trash can in the door way to prop it open. She goes around the building and sees the branch hitting the glass. She tries to reach it, but is just too short. After a few feeble attempts, she jumps up and snatches the branch, breaking it free. Just then she hears the door close in the distance. She goes back and find it blown closed. She pulls her student ID out of her pocket and tries to wedge it between the door, to unlock it. She is unsuccessful and the ID falls between the doors and inside. She goes around the back to the service entrance and that door is also locked. As she turns to leave, she sees a figure lurking in the shadows near the dumpster. It whispers, Jennifer .) What do you want? Why--why are you just standing there? Say something. (the figure falls forward and it's simply a mannequin. The record begins to skip and she rushes back to the front of the building. This time she is able to open the door. She pulls the needle off the record and turns her mic back on.) Oh! My apologies. A little scratch on the vinyl there, folks. This is Jen on WBCW, keeping you company all evening. I'm gonna cut to commercial and be right back. (She looks out the window, as she hears her name being whispered again, over and over. Suddenly a figure comes crashing through the window.) [Gram's House Grams is finishing her story.] Grams: Now, that... is a scary story. Well, you children have a good night now, hmm? (Jack, Joey and Pacey sit there in shock.) Oh, I-- I hope I didn't give you jaded cinephiles too much of a fright. Good night. Sweet dreams. (she goes off to bed.) Jack: So, I guess this is, uh, typically the time of night that we, you know, go to sleep. Pacey: Well, hey, don't let us stop you. Unless, of course, you're too afraid to go upstairs by yourself. Jack: Yeah. Unless, of course, you're--you're too scared to go to that creepy little floating house of yours. Pacey: No. Why would I be afraid? There's nothing to be afraid of. We were just going. The only reason we're still here is 'cause I wanted to tell you that when Dawson and Jenny get back, we should all get together. I'll cook for you. Jack: No, no, please. That's enough of the fear factor. Pacey: Ah heh heh. Yeah. That's funny. You see what you just earned yourself? You earned yourself contaminated food. So, what do you say, Jo? You wanna brave the "T"? Joey: Yeah, I'm willing to venture forth if you are. Pacey: Yeah, of course. Sure, let's go. Joey: But you are gonna walk in front of me, right? Pacey: Well, now, are you sure that you want me to do that? 'Cause if I walk in front of you, how are you gonna see the man that's gonna jump out of the bushes and stab you in the throat? Joey: Pacey, there is no man. Pacey: You're absolutely right. I'm all for gender equality. It could be a woman. Some, green-eyed Angelina Jolie type. Actually, that could be pretty interesting. Joey: Can we just go before it strikes midnight and Grams emerges looking for her lost head? Jack: See? I knew the grams thing runs deep. I knew it. Pacey: I tell ya, sweet Mrs. Ryan is nothing compared to what we got in store for us. Joey: Laugh all you want, Pace. But you are my escort. (Someone is looking in the window at Pacey, Joey and Jack. We hear a faint whisper of Jennifer as it fades to black.)

Dawson takes Joey up on her invitation to spend a weekend in Boston, but the two have difficulty connecting once there. Meanwhile, Jack is surprised when his boyfriend Toby shows up unexpectedly forcing Jack to choose between fraternity hell week and spending time with Toby.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_04x05

fd_Gilmore_Girls_04x05_0

OPEN AT LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is sitting out front on the grass when Rory pulls up] RORY: Hey. LORELAI: Hi. RORY: What are you doing? LORELAI: Well, I'm gardening. RORY: What are you doing? LORELAI: I'm gardening. RORY: What are you doing? LORELAI: Why don't you come over here and see, honey, since you seem so confused? RORY: Oh, my God. You are gardening. LORELAI: Yeah. Hello. I am gardening. RORY: Why? LORELAI: Because Babette bought me a bag of bulbs. RORY: Why would she do that? LORELAI: She thought that cultivating new life would help distract me from my current emptiness and sense of loss. RORY: Huh. Well, that's weirdly sweet of her. LORELAI: Yes, it was. Anyhow, I forgot about the bulbs 'til Babette brought them up this morning, so I dug them out of the garage. RORY: Ew! LORELAI: Where they've developed some sort of mold. RORY: This is the planet of the mold. LORELAI: Help me. RORY: Mom, I'm no botanist, but I don't think anything's gonna grow from this piece of tar. LORELAI: Just put it in the hole and cover it up. RORY: Why didn't you just throw them out? LORELAI: There are eyes everywhere, my dear. BABETTE: [calls from her front porch] Hey, doll, how you doing? LORELAI: Great, Babette. Just tending my bulbs. BABETTE: Makes you feel better, doesn't it? LORELAI: Absolutely - much better. BABETTE: You need any help? LORELAI: Oh, no. I got Rory helping me. RORY: Hi, Babette. BABETTE: Hi, sugar. Don't worry, I'm looking out for your mom. RORY: I'm glad to hear that. BABETTE: Oh, and just you wait 'til spring. You're gonna wake up one morning, walk out, and pow - color coming out of your yin-yang! I'll see you girls tomorrow. [goes into her house] LORELAI: I'm going to have color coming out of my yin-yang. RORY: Well, then maybe you'll finally get a man. This has got to be the grossest thing ever. LORELAI: Forget about the bulbs. Let's talk about something else. How's school? RORY: School's fine. It's hard but good. Tanna's fine. Janet and Paris are fighting because Janet gets up at 5:30 to go jogging, wakes Paris up, and then the resulting argument wakes everybody up, and - oh! [screams and tosses a dirty bulb at Lorelai] LORELAI: [screams] Oh, my God! You bulbed me! You bulbed me! RORY: I was aiming over there. LORELAI: Oh, it got my hand! It got my hand! RORY: Shake it off. Shake it off. LORELAI: Oh, it won't go! It won't go! RORY: Aah! You wiped it on my shirt. LORELAI: It was a reflex. RORY: To ruin my shirt? LORELAI: I'm sorry. RORY: You never liked this shirt. LORELAI: It's not that. It's just that - RORY: Aah! There's something crawling up my leg! LORELAI: Oh no, oh no! I got it, I got it. RORY: There's something crawling up my leg! LORELAI: I got it, I got it! Ew! It's big! Ew! RORY: Okay, so the next time that Babette gives you a bag of bulbs to plant because you're lonely, you say. . . LORELAI: No, thank you. RORY: Class dismissed. [opening credits] CUT TO YALE DORM [Rory is asleep in her bedroom] PARIS: [overheard from common room] You could at least open a window. JANET: Why? PARIS: Because it smells like a locker room in here! JANET: Tough luck! PARIS: Fine! [Paris walks into the bedroom] RORY: Did the alarm go off? PARIS: I shut it off. Who needs an alarm when you've got Workout Barbie around? Never mind that some of us were up finishing a chem lab 'til 2:30 in the morning! I for one love waking up at five a.m. to the sound of someone grunting out crunches in the common room! RORY: I told you - earplugs. PARIS: You know, she talks to herself when she stretches. "Come on, Janet. Push it, Janet. Love the pain, Janet." It's pornographic. RORY: What time is it? PARIS: I know what she's doing. It's psychological warfare. Don't let your enemy sleep. Push him 'til he cracks. Charlie tried the same tricks on our boys at Khe Sanh, and let me tell you, if she keeps this up, I am not gonna be responsible for what happens. RORY: Oh, my God! Paris, breakfast is over in five minutes! PARIS: I know. It's Tuesday, too. That's waffle bar day. RORY: Why didn't you wake me? PARIS: Oh, sure, blame me. I'm the victim here, remember? CUT TO YALE CAFETERIA [Rory rushes in wearing her pajamas and a robe] RORY: Excuse me, excuse me. Can I. . .[she grabs the last waffle from a tray before the kitchen worker throws it out] Yes, thank you. MARTY: Rory. RORY: Marty. MARTY: You remembered. RORY: Well, I wasn't the one passed out in the hallway, so I had a better shot. MARTY: True, very true. So, I see you're a little late for breakfast. RORY: Yeah. My alarm was turned off. MARTY: Well, hey, you want some eggs or something? I always take enough for ten. I blame my brother. He always took the biggest piece of chicken. RORY: And left you none? MARTY: No, there was plenty more. I just really wanted that big piece. RORY: Oh. Well - MARTY: Hey, I want you to meet The Breakfast Crew. RORY: Oh, well, I'm kind of - MARTY: Well, we all just started eating breakfast together every morning, so someone came up with the name The Breakfast Crew. I mean, it's not like an official club or anything. There's no hats. At least not until we can all agree on a color. Uh, excuse me, guys. I want you all to meet Rory. GUY 1: Who? MARTY: The robe. GUY 1: Oh, the robe. Nice to meet you. MARTY: I told them about your act of kindness. RORY: Oh, it was nothing, really. GUY 1: I wouldn't say that. That was one nice robe. GUY 2: We all took turns trying it on. MARTY: Uh, not true. Ignore him. I'm sorry I haven't gotten it back to you yet. RORY: Oh, it's okay. GUY 3: Nice bunny shoes. RORY: Thank you. Uh, well, it was nice meeting you all. I actually have to go, so - [walks away] MARTY: [follows her] I embarrassed you. RORY: It's fine. MARTY: I'm sorry. I was just so relieved that I could finally approach you. RORY: Why couldn't you approach me? MARTY: Well, that night was really humiliating, so every time I saw you after that, I just hid. But then when I saw you show up this morning like that, I thought, here's my chance to even the playing field. RORY: Marty, this is not as embarrassing as being totally naked. MARTY: No, it's not. But it's close RORY: Um, well, consider the playing field leveled. MARTY: Good. Uh, see ya, Rory. RORY: See ya, Marty. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai is talking on her cell phone. While she talks, Luke tries to get her to take it outside. She walks slowly and lingers by the door] LORELAI: [on phone] Exactly, yes, that's just the kind of thing we're looking for. Well, I'm so glad to hear that because the last three designers we met with had very different philosophies. Uh-huh. No, I didn't know you did the Silver Thatch Inn. Oh, that was so beautiful. Yeah. Okay. Well, why don't we, uh, meet, uh, Friday, say, around two o'clock? Okay. Luke's Diner. It's right in the middle of the town square. You can't miss it. Just follow the love. Okay. Thank you. Bye-bye. [hangs up] LUKE: What was that? LORELAI: I was taking it outside. LUKE: Three people came in while you held the door open. LORELAI: You're exaggerating. LUKE: Why can't you respect the rules of my diner? LORELAI: I do respect the rules of your diner. It's that baseball cap I have issues with. [Michel walks in and sits down] LORELAI: Hi. MICHEL: Hey. All right, I've done extensive research, checked references, and prescreened three other designers for you. Here are their names. LORELAI: Well, hopefully I won't need these. I think I just found a new designer for the inn. MICHEL: Well, good. I love doing research just for the sake of doing research. I live to grow. Are you still buying me lunch? LORELAI: I'd be happy to buy you lunch, but I should probably take you somewhere else. LUKE: Why should you take him somewhere else? LORELAI: Because, Kook Danes, Michel eats a very specific diet. MICHEL: Normally, yes, that's true. However, every six months I give myself a crazy day where I can eat anything I want, and today's crazy day. Talk to me about your chocolate cake. LUKE: What do you want to know? MICHEL: Is it Mexican? LUKE: Is what Mexican? MICHEL: The chocolate. LUKE: How would I know? MICHEL: It would say so on the wrapper. You could go look. I'll wait. LUKE: Take him somewhere else. MICHEL: Oh, just bring me a doughnut, but put some sprinkles on it, okay? [Lorelai's cell phone rings] LORELAI: [answers] Hello? EMILY: Do you know what one of life's great mysteries is? LORELAI: Uh, Mom. . . EMILY: Whether or not you're going to be joining us for Friday night dinner. LORELAI: Uh huh. EMILY: And since you pretend to be ignorant of the concept of the RSVP even though I know it was taught to you as a child, I am reduced to calling and asking you, are you coming? LORELAI: Uh huh. EMILY: Is that "uh huh, yes, I'm coming" or "uh huh, I was reading while you were talking"? LORELAI: Um, tell you what, Mom - plan on me coming, and if I don't, then it'll just be a little more for everyone else. EMILY: Lorelai, you know very well our dinners do not work like that. There is careful planning and shopping and preparation that goes into every meal no matter how boring and simple it may seem to you. LORELAI: Oh, Mom - [Lorelai throws something at Luke to get his attention.] LUKE: Hey, what. . .get off that phone! LORELAI: Oh, shoot, Mom, there's no cell phones in here. I'll call you back later. Bye. [hangs up] And when I need you - nowhere. CUT TO YALE CLASSROOM [Rory is in her English class] HEATHER: It's obvious Hemingway is just using Jake's impotence to indict a society which exploited its underclass to fight in the trenches of the first World War. PROFESSOR: Interesting theory, Heather. What does everyone else think? RORY: I don't know. I mean, isn't Jake's impotence more about that generation's loss of faith in love? HEATHER: Ugh, please. That grossly ignores the social context. TREVOR: Rory's right. The book's about a guy who can't sleep with the woman he loves. It's not some Woody Guthrie song. HEATHER: But - PROFERSSOR: Okay, hold that thought, Heather. We're out of time. Okay, everyone, we'll continue this Thursday. I'll see you all then. RORY: Thanks for the save. TREVOR: No problem. Heather can get a little "workers of the world, unite" sometimes. RORY: Yeah, I've never actually met someone who likes the word bourgeois so much. TREVOR: So, what are you up to this weekend? RORY: Oh, studying. Sleep, hopefully. A rarity in my dorm room. TREVOR: Yeah? Do you eat? RORY: Habitually. TREVOR: Ever been to Pancia di Lucca? I hear it's good. RORY: Uh, no, I haven't. TREVOR: Well, I was thinking of going there this weekend. RORY: Oh, cool. Tell me how it is. TREVOR: Okay, I will. Or, hey, you could come with me. RORY: I can't this Saturday, but if it's good, maybe another time, okay? TREVOR: Sure, okay. So, see you next week. RORY: Bye, Trevor. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory walks into the house carrying a laundry basket] LORELAI: Hey, what are you doing home? RORY: Well, it seems that if you leave your laundry in the machine for even two minutes after it stops, some incredibly impatient person will come and take your nice clean clothes out and dump them. LORELAI: Where? RORY: Anywhere. The floor, the top of another dirty washing machine. My Belle and Sebastian t-shirt was in the garbage. So now, on top of a massive amount of reading and studying, I get to rewash my formerly perfect clean clothes. LORELAI: Well, that's just wrong. I think you should quit school in protest. RORY: Okay, if you say so. [Rory reaches for a slice of pizza from the coffee table] LORELAI: Oh, no, wait. That's not ours. RORY: What do you mean it's not ours? Who's it for? [Lane rushes into the house] LANE: I've got five minutes. Where's the pizza? LORELAI: Uh, there. LANE: Thanks. Hi, Rory. RORY: Hey, Lane. LANE: My mom ordered all the okra in the Western Hemisphere. She got a great deal and I'm starving to death. RORY: Swallow. LANE: Between Seventh Day Adventist college and my mom's new fascination with ordering on the internet, my future looks very grim. RORY: You want a Coke? LANE: No, no time for liquids. I have to be home for dinner in four minutes. Another piece, please? Okay, great. Okay, this is good. You all look good. Things are good? RORY: Things are - LANE: Okay, gotta go. Thanks for the grub. [leaves] LORELAI: She is so throwing up on the way home. RORY: I'm gonna go put this stuff in the washer. LORELAI: Wait, wait, have some pizza and tell Mama all about your day. RORY: Okay. Oh, yesterday Janet woke up to find that Paris had chaired her in her room. LORELAI: Oh, nice. RORY: And then, later, when Janet had climbed out the window, she retaliated by gluing shut the opening of Paris' glue gun. LORELAI: Wow, she went for the crafts. RORY: This war is getting totally out of hand. This morning Paris turned off my alarm because Janet woke her up. I almost missed breakfast. I ran down to the dining hall in my pajamas and bunny slippers, and of course I ran into Marty. LORELAI: Naked guy. RORY: It was totally humiliating. LORELAI: Humiliating 'cause naked guy's hot? RORY: It was humiliating because I had terrycloth rabbits on my feet. LORELAI: So naked guy's not hot? RORY: Naked guy is Marty, and it's not like that. He's sweet. LORELAI: Ah. Sweet means bad butt. RORY: Sweet does not mean bad butt. Sweet means sweet. LORELAI: Poor naked guy. He should've left his clothes on. RORY: Okay, you have got to stop talking about naked guy. I just met Marty. LORELAI: All right. If not him, are there any other guys on the horizon? RORY: Nope. LORELAI: No? How about a professor - someone older, wiser, with brown cords and whiskey breath? RORY: Oh, well, yeah. There's one of those. LORELAI: Come on, Rory. RORY: Well, this guy asked me to go try this restaurant this weekend, but it was a totally casual thing. LORELAI: So what'd you tell him? RORY: That I was busy. LORELAI: You don't like him? RORY: No, I like him fine. I mean, he's smart, and he takes my side in the debates, and he's decent to look at. LORELAI: So, why'd you say no? Too many clothes? RORY: I don't know. He. . .he carries a bottle of water around with him all the time. That's just weird. LORELAI: Right. Hydration. Very creepy. RORY: And he's preppy, and I don't really like preppy. Plus, he's gonna go study in Barcelona next year. LORELAI: So? RORY: So it's a waste of time. It can't go anywhere. LORELAI: It could go to dinner, maybe a movie. RORY: Mom. . . LORELAI: No, look, Rory, I know you've never really dated. RORY: What are you talking about? I've dated. LORELAI: Who did you date? RORY: Dean. LORELAI: You and Dean did not date. You had a relationship. RORY: Well, Jess. LORELAI: Was relationship number two. RORY: So maybe I've never dated, but you haven't either. LORELAI: I have dated at least once. RORY: Mmhmm. You had me with dad - relationship. LORELAI: Yes, but - RORY: Max - relationship. Dad again - relationship. LORELAI: Okay, fine, I may not be the world's best dater, but I do it and you should give it a shot. I mean, you're in college now. What else is there to do in college but date? RORY: I'm gonna go wash my clothes now. LORELAI: Wait. Was that it? Is this conversation over? Sorry, did I win? CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai and the decorator have books spread out on several tables around them] NATALIE: Okay, here, I wanted to show you this. LORELAI: Castles of Ireland? NATALIE: There is a room in here that I've always wanted to do. Here it is. LORELAI: Oh, I love that. What is that wall treatment? NATALIE: That's anaglypta wallpaper. LUKE: What are you doing? LORELAI: I'm looking at anaglypta wallpaper. LUKE: And the other three tables are here for support? LORELAI: Well, we just had a lot of books to go through. Uh, Luke, this is Natalie Zimmerman. Natalie's gonna help us design the Dragonfly. NATALIE: Nice to meet you. LORELAI: Did I tell you we're gonna have horses? NATALIE: The property already has stables, so why not? LORELAI: I love horses. I've always loved horses ever since I was a little girl, and now I finally have a grown-up excuse to buy a pony. LUKE: Great. Listen, National Velvet, you have to move this stuff out of here. LORELAI: Why? LUKE: Because this is a diner. People wanna sit. LORELAI: This is business. LUKE: No, this is business, and it's open, and it's decorated, and it wants its seats back. LORELAI: Fine. Sorry about that. He's trying to steal the "World's Grumpiest Diner Guy" title from Mel. NATALIE: No problem. LORELAI: So you were telling me about anaglypta wallpaper? NATALIE: Yes, it's a textured paper that we can paint or treat. We can even distress it if you want to give it a more, you know, vintage-y look. LORELAI: Hm, that sounds interesting. NATALIE: You know, Emily actually has some in the smaller upstairs guest bath. You should take a look at it the next time you're there. LORELAI: Um, Emily? You mean like my mother, Emily? NATALIE: Yes. LORELAI: I didn't know you knew Emily. NATALIE: Oh, yeah. I did her second-floor remodel about a year ago. I thought that's how you got my name. LORELAI: Oh, no, I, uh, got your name from a magazine. So you know Emily? NATALIE: It's a small world, isn't it? LORELAI: Yes, yes, really small. About the same square footage as that box they threw McCain in. NATALIE: So, are you ready to see bedrooms? LORELAI: Yes, sure. Why not? CUT TO YALE CLASSROOM [Rory is in her English class] PROFESSOR: Next week we finish up with "Snows of Kilimanjaro", then it is Hemingway's pal Scott Fitzgerald, so do yourselves a favor - get a jump on "Tender is the Night." RORY: Wow. Good session today, huh? TREVOR: It was fine. RORY: I can't believe we sit around and talk about books and get graded on it. I mean, there's almost nothing I like more than talking about a good book or a bad book or a really thick magazine. TREVOR: Mmhmm. RORY: Hey, Trevor. You know what else I like to do besides talk about a really good book? Eat. Isn't that weird? And, actually, for me, they're linked. It's true. When I talk about a book, I get really hungry - starving. You ever experience that? TREVOR: Not really. RORY: Oh. Well, it happens to me all the time. Like right now, for example, starving, really. And I enjoyed "The Snows of Kilimanjaro" so much that I will probably be hungry for quite some time. All weekend, probably. Especially Saturday night. TREVOR: Saturday night? RORY: Saturday night. TREVOR: Are you saying you want to go to dinner on Saturday night? RORY: Wow. Um, okay. Yeah. Well, I will be hungry. TREVOR: Well, that fact has been pretty well established. RORY: Okay. Sure. Yeah, let's go to dinner Saturday night. TREVOR: So, you're at - RORY: Durfee, suite 5. TREVOR: I'll pick you up at 7:30. RORY: Sounds good. TREVOR: Okay. RORY: Wow. I gotta hand it to you there, Trevor. You sure are persistent. CUT TO THE TOWN SQUARE [Lorelai and Sookie walk down the street] LORELAI: Davey? You're naming him Davey? SOOKIE: Yes. LORELAI: I love Davey. SOOKIE: Me, too. LORELAI: Oh, I can't believe you finally picked a name. It makes it real. SOOKIE: Yes, because the stomach and massive ankles were too ambiguous. LORELAI: Does Jackson like it? SOOKIE: Uh, well, he's okay with the stomach, but the massive ankles freak him out. LORELAI: The name Davey. SOOKIE: It was actually his suggestion. LORELAI: Really? SOOKIE: He wanted Davey if it was a boy and Colgate if it was a girl. LORELAI: Colgate? SOOKIE: His great-grandmother's name. LORELAI: Great-grandmother Colgate. SOOKIE: Yup. LORELAI: That's horrible. SOOKIE: You know what's worse, she looked like a Colgate. LORELAI: Well, at least you know it's gonna be a boy. SOOKIE: Yes, but he doesn't know it's going to be a boy. And I realized he has to know that I thought Colgate was an insane name, but if I didn't fight him on it, it must be because I knew we weren't gonna have a girl and then he would know we were gonna have a boy, and that would spoil everything for him. So I told him, "We are not naming our daughter after a toothpaste!" We got in a big fight and we're not talking. LORELAI: Cool! SOOKIE: Yeah, I know. Everything's perfect. My baby has a name and my husband's sleeping on the couch. Oh, and I figured out that I'll go with the Avery stove for the inn. Is that okay? Because I know it's a little more expensive. LORELAI: It's your kitchen, Sookie. SOOKIE: Okay, good. I'm gonna call Natalie the minute I get home. LORELAI: Hm. SOOKIE: What's wrong? LORELAI: Nothing. SOOKIE: It's the Avery. It's too extravagant. LORELAI: No, the Avery's fine. Everything's fine. SOOKIE: You're sure? LORELAI: I'm sure. Just. . .Natalie knows my mother. SOOKIE: Emily? How? LORELAI: Yes, because she did her second-floor remodel like a year ago. SOOKIE: Oh, so she really knows your mother. LORELAI: They've been shopping together. It's a bond. Sookie, I don't know if I - SOOKIE: Lorelai, no. LORELAI: She knows my mother. SOOKIE: So what? LORELAI: Sookie, my whole life, my whole existence, my essence, my being, my ability to be this sparkling creature standing here before you -- all of this depends on the complete and total separation of my life from my mother's life. That's how it works. SOOKIE: But we like Natalie. LORELAI: We do like Natalie. SOOKIE: Remember all the other designers we met that we didn't like before Natalie? Remember the one that wanted to put the tiny mannequin in every room so that the lonely people would have someone to talk to? LORELAI: Yes, I do. SOOKIE: Or the purple, purple, purple guy. LORELAI: Purple, purple, purple. SOOKIE: They were horrible. And then we met Natalie, and she was perfect. Look, just try. At least give Natalie a chance, okay? Please? LORELAI: I'll try. SOOKIE: Good. I'm gonna go home and get going on the Avery. LORELAI: All right. I have to stop by Luke's. I'll call you later. SOOKIE: Okay. It's going to be fine. LORELAI: Yes, it is. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai walks in] LORELAI: Hey, Luke. What's going on? LUKE: Oh, well. . .Tom called. The banister on the stairs has to be replaced. It'll be $4,000. Tamsin Cordally called. He needs a deposit on the quartersawn oak. It'll be $4,000. Julio the landscaper called. I have no idea what he said, but it's going to be $4,000. Vicki from Vicki's Horse Supply called. She thinks Pepper and Gunsmoke would suit your needs, but Gunsmoke snores, so the stables can't be too close to the guests' bedrooms. Rory's looking for her black Converse, and, oh, one last thing - I'm not taking messages for you anymore! LORELAI: Sorry. LUKE: What did you do, have business cards printed up? LORELAI: People just know I'm here a lot. LUKE: I missed a call from my meat guy because I was on the phone discussing Gunsmoke's deviated septum. LORELAI: I'm gonna call all these people today and tell them never to call me here again. LUKE: You bet you will. LORELAI: Consider it done. LUKE: Good. LORELAI: Just - LUKE: What? LORELAI: Just, uh, one more thing. Did a package arrive for me here today? LUKE: What? LORELAI: I'm sorry. Never mind, never mind. ED: Luke. Sorry. I'm cutting it kind of close here. LUKE: Oh, sorry, Ed. I didn't realize you were cutting it kind of close. Everybody, drop everything. Ed's cutting it kind of close. Here's your tickets. ED: You seem mad. LUKE: Look, Ed, just go to the game and enjoy it, okay? Choke on a hot dog while you're at it. ED: I have to tell you, Luke, I am never accepting anything free from you again. LUKE: What a threat! Boy, you're a real master of fear, there, Ed. Look out, Jason and Freddy. Ed may never mooch off of either one of you ever again! LORELAI: What is wrong with you? LUKE: Nothing. LORELAI: You're yelling at Ed. LUKE: Ah, Ed bugs me. LORELAI: Ed cries. LUKE: I'm just having a bad day. LORELAI: Zzz. LUKE: Excuse me? LORELAI: Days. You've been stomping around, barking at people for days. LUKE: I have not. LORELAI: Yes, Cujo, you have. LUKE: I always talk to people like that. LORELAI: No, Benji, you don't. LUKE: I'll be fine tomorrow. LORELAI: Really, Lassie? Why is that? LUKE: Look, I bought these tickets for Nicole 'cause she's a Yankees fan. I thought it'd be nice if we went to a game together. LORELAI: Oh, man. LUKE: And it's no big deal. I mean, the closer it got to the game, the more I felt like a loser. I mean, I'm sitting on these tickets, which means I thought I'd still be in a relationship. I don't know. Stupid. I broke my own rule. I asked for it. LORELAI: What are you talking about? LUKE: Never plan for anything more than two days in advance. LORELAI: That's your rule? LUKE: Yes, 'cause when you make plans, then you have expectations, and when you have expectations, then you will get disappointed. LORELAI: Having expectations also gives you something to look forward to. LUKE: Yes, then you're looking forward to being constantly disappointed. LORELAI: You're not that cynical. LUKE: I am today. LORELAI: Hey, I have an idea. Tomorrow night is usually movie night. LUKE: What? LORELAI: Rory and I would always rent a bunch of movies, order food -- it was our thing. Now she's at school and busy, so why don't you come over? It might be fun. LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: Yeah? LUKE: Sure, what else have I got to do? LORELAI: Ah, I love when men say that to me. LUKE: What time? LORELAI: Eight. LUKE: Eight it is. LORELAI: I'll stop by the video store and pick us up a couple movies. What do you want to see? LUKE: I don't know. LORELAI: Well, come on, tell me. I don't want to get something you've seen. LUKE: Don't worry about it. I haven't seen anything. LORELAI: People always say that. LUKE: Well, with me, it's true. LORELAI: "Casablanca"? LUKE: Nope. LORELAI: You have never seen "Casablanca"? Are you kidding? LUKE: Just get anything, please. LORELAI: "Chinatown"? LUKE: Anything at all. LORELAI: "Bonnie and Clyde"? LUKE: A video game would be nice also. LORELAI: "It Happened One Night"? "His Girl Friday"? "Treasure of the Sierra Madre"? "Diner"? LUKE: I saw "Mr. and Mrs. Bridge." LORELAI: Oh. My house, eight o'clock. We have such work to do. LUKE: I'll see you there. LORELAI: Oh, by the way, if my package arrives today, bring it with you, okay? Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [The doorbell rings. The maid answers the door and lets Lorelai in] LORELAI: Oh, hey. Uh, oh, oh, hold on, whoa. Wow, that could have been very ugly, huh? The great cappuccino disaster of 2003. Very sad -- Shelley Winters drowns. Think the coffee was stronger than I thought. MAID: Can I take your coat? LORELAI: Thank you. MAID: Your daughter called and said she was gonna be late. Her class ran long. LORELAI: Oh, so Rory's not here yet? MAID: No, it's just you and your mother. LORELAI: Huh. Hey. Oh, gosh. You know what? I just remembered I left something in the car, so I'll be right back. Could I - just - it's new. I can't be away from it just yet. Oh, thanks. Okay. Back in a flash. [Lorelai goes outside to her car and turns on the radio. She starts dancing and mouthing the words to "Shadow Dancing." Emily knocks on the car door and startles Lorelai, who screams. She opens the window] EMILY: What are you doing? LORELAI: I was looking for my lip gloss. EMILY: You need the radio on to look for your lip gloss? LORELAI: Well, uh, I came out here and I couldn't find it and so I thought maybe if I tried to retrace my steps, it would turn up. EMILY: Very clever idea. LORELAI: Yeah, I thought so. So I put my purse on the seat and I put the keys in the car, and naturally the radio came on 'cause that's what it does, and, uh, "Shadow Dancing" was playing, which was one of my all time favorite songs in junior high. EMILY: And you forgot to look for your lip gloss. LORELAI: Just for a second. EMILY: Which makes sense since it's in the ashtray right next to you. LORELAI: Oh, hey. It is. Look at that. EMILY: Yes, it's a miracle. Come inside, Lorelai. LORELAI: Well, can't I just wait 'til the song. . .I'm coming. [they walk into the house] EMILY: You can't sit here for three seconds without Rory. LORELAI: Not true. EMILY: Oh, stop it and sit down. I want to talk to you about something. I just found out that Sookie is pregnant. LORELAI: Uh huh. Don't look at me, I had nothing to do with it. EMILY: May I ask why you didn't bother to tell me? LORELAI: Uh, well. . . EMILY: Lorelai, your not telling me about Sookie is unforgivable. LORELAI: Why, it's not like you're such good friends. EMILY: I went to her wedding. LORELAI: So did Kirk. EMILY: I haven't sent her a gift, Lorelai. How does that make me look? LORELAI: Like you hate her and all childbearing women. EMILY: You are so intent on keeping me out of your life. LORELAI: It's not even my life. It's Sookie's life. EMILY: A simple phone call to tell me that Sookie is pregnant. LORELAI: How did you find out about it, anyway? EMILY: Why, are you going to track down the informant and have him shot? LORELAI: Maybe. EMILY: It doesn't matter how I found out. I found out, no thanks to you. LORELAI: Mom, please, just tell me how you found out. EMILY: Why? Does it bother you not knowing? LORELAI: Yes. EMILY: Me, too. [Rory comes in] LORELAI: Hey. EMILY: Rory, you're here. RORY: I'm so sorry I'm late, Grandma. Hi, Mom. LORELAI: You'll pay. EMILY: So come on, sit down and tell me all about Yale. LORELAI: If you don't, she'll find out anyway. RORY: Yale's interesting. It's a lot more free-form than I thought. EMILY: Well, you're an adult now. They treat you like an adult in college. LORELAI: In college, yes. In the Gilmore house. . . EMILY: We've switched subjects, in case you were wondering. So tell me, what are your plans for the weekend? Any parties going on? RORY: Well, yeah, there are always parties going on, but I'm not going to a party this weekend. I'm actually going on a date. LORELAI: You are? EMILY: Well, your first college date. LORELAI: Who's the lucky guy? RORY: Just a guy from my English class. LORELAI: No. EMILY: Your English class. LORELAI: What happened? I thought you turned him down. EMILY: You turned him down? RORY: I know, but I thought about it and I reconsidered. LORELAI: What did you do? Did you ask him out? EMILY: You asked him out? Oh, Rory, tell me you didn't ask a boy out. RORY: I didn't ask him out. I just made sure he knew I was available. LORELAI: Better, Mom? EMILY: No, that's not better. Rory, you're in Yale, not Amsterdam. How you conduct yourself socially is as important as how you conduct yourself academically. RORY: I promise, it was very proper. LORELAI: Yes, Mom, she had a nice Tiffany lampshade over her red light. EMILY: What do you know about this boy? Do you know where he's from, who his parents are? RORY: No, I plan to find that out on the date. LORELAI: What are you gonna wear? RORY: I don't know. LORELAI: Do you want to borrow something of mine? EMILY: No, she does not. LORELAI: What does that mean? EMILY: It's bad enough that you haven't taught your daughter how to interact with the opposite s*x. You will not dress her up in one of your "s*x and the City" ensembles and send her out to tell the entire campus, "Don't worry. I'll ask you." LORELAI: How do you know about "s*x and the City"? CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES [Lorelai, Sookie, and Natalie are browsing the store] NATALIE: Okay, see, something like this outside against a wall - very "Little House on the Prairie" with a twist. SOOKIE: I love "Little House on the Prairie." Jack the dog. Where is Lindsay Sidney Greenbush? When she came tumbling down the hill, I would just laugh. NATALIE: Lorelai? LORELAI: Yeah? NATALIE: Well, what do you think? LORELAI: Hm, I don't know. I'm not really sure. NATALIE: Okay. Well, just keep in mind that anything you see here I can have duplicated. I've got this guy in Delaware that can knock off anything for about half the price. LORELAI: Maybe we should go. SOOKIE: What? We just got started. LORELAI: Well, maybe we should think a little more before we shop. SOOKIE: What are you talking about? We've been thinking for months. Let's start buying! Holy mother of God, this bench is $15,000. NATALIE: We can find something else. LORELAI: Oh, no, we don't have to find something else. SOOKIE: What are you talking about? LORELAI: We have absolutely no problem paying full price for that bench. SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: Yeah. No money problems or problems of any kind. Our entire lives are perfect. We have no complaints and plenty of money. SOOKIE: What are you talking about? NATALIE: You know what, I see a lawn jockey out there that looks very interesting. I'll be back. [leaves] SOOKIE: We cannot afford that bench. LORELAI: Oh, I know that. I don't want her to know that. SOOKIE: Her - Natalie, her? LORELAI: Yes. SOOKIE: Why? LORELAI: Because it could get back to my mother. SOOKIE: What could get back to your mother? LORELAI: That we have money problems. SOOKIE: We do have money problems. LORELAI: I know, but I don't want my mother knowing that we have money problems. I don't want any personal information leaked out because in Emily's hands, that could be a weapon. SOOKIE: Well, Natalie's not gonna say anything. LORELAI: How do you know? How do you know she's not filling my mother in on our every move on a daily basis? SOOKIE: You're being paranoid. LORELAI: Oh, yeah? My mother found out about you being pregnant. SOOKIE: Not from Natalie. LORELAI: How do you know? SOOKIE: Because Natalie herself didn't know until about a half an hour ago. LORELAI: That's her story. SOOKIE: Okay. This is getting crazy now. You have got to go out there and talk to her about this. LORELAI: I don't know. SOOKIE: It's the only fair thing. Come on. Go. [Lorelai walks outside to Natalie] LORELAI: Hey, um, look, Natalie, I, uh, have to say something to you. I feel a tad silly even mentioning it, but I think I have to. NATALIE: Did I do something that - LORELAI: No, no, no, no, you did nothing. You've been great, really. Um, great ideas, great attitude. It's just that. . .you know my mother. NATALIE: Yes? LORELAI: That's it. You know my mother. NATALIE: Oh. LORELAI: And my mother and I don't exactly have the smoothest of relationships. NATALIE: Ah. LORELAI: Right. I mean, we're not warring or anything, but it's just that we're very different, and I feel kind of weird sharing things with her. NATALIE: Look, I promise you, I haven't been in contact with your mother for a long time. Maybe twice she called to get a couple of names, but that was it. I hadn't even met you yet. So trust me -- she knows nothing that you haven't told her yourself. LORELAI: Oh. Okay. I feel really stupid right now. NATALIE: No, don't. I enjoyed working with your mother, but this inn is the kid of thing that I love to do. And the place has incredible potential and somebody's gonna get a chance to make it a wonderful inn. I would be heartsick if I lost this opportunity. LORELAI: Oh. NATALIE: Look, I haven't spoken to Emily in months. I doubt I'll be speaking to her in the future. I promise. LORELAI: Okay. NATALIE: Really? LORELAI: Absolutely. NATALIE: I'm so glad. LORELAI: So am I. NATALIE: So now that I talked myself back into a job, what do you think the outlook for this lawn jockey is? LORELAI: Not good. NATALIE: Hm. Emily would hate it. LORELAI: Wrap it up. CUT TO YALE DORM [Rory is in her bedroom getting ready for her date] RORY: Okay, so this is option number four. Tanna? Tanna? TANNA: Yeah? RORY: We're doing the whole bonding thing now. TANNA: Okay. Sorry. Start again. RORY: What do you think? TANNA: Men respond subconsciously to a woman's pheromones. You should run in place 'til he gets here. It'll give you a nice musk. RORY: Go back to your leg. PARIS: Roommates meeting starts in two minutes. Hey, I told you to stop with the math and the Sharpies on my good sheets. TANNA: Okay. Sorry. PARIS: How come the puppy doesn't pee on your bed? RORY: I'll be right out, Paris. PARIS: Hurry up. All right, everyone, take a seat, please. Rory, one last curtsy, and let's move. [the roommates all gather in the common room] RORY: My date will be here in ten minutes, so talk fast. PARIS: Thank you all for coming. Now, I'd like to start this meeting by saying that no one here is on trial. This meeting is about healing, it is about redemption, it is about accepting responsibility and making amends. JANET: I don't believe this. PARIS: This is a forum for all of us to air our grievances so we can resolve them and go on with our lives. Hey, since I'm already standing, why don't I start? TANNA: This is thrilling. PARIS: Setting your alarm for 5:30 in the morning when no one else here shares the desire to put on nylon shorts and run in circles for an hour like a greyhound is selfish. JANET: I have a partial athletic scholarship, Paris. PARIS: The grunting and the sweating, and there are plastic balls everywhere. JANET: One balance ball. PARIS: No one can sleep. No one can breathe. Rory missed breakfast the other day. You've seen Rory eat. She cannot miss breakfast. RORY: Paris has a point there. JANET: Excuse me, but if I remember correctly, Rory missed breakfast because you turned her alarm off. RORY: Janet does have a point there. JANET: And while we're airing grievances, what about your stupid craft area? Everywhere you turn, there's glitter or seashells or macaroni. And the smell of the glue. PARIS: Hey, I make things we can all enjoy. I am contributing. The coasters I make are for everyone. Those push-ups are for you and you alone. JANET: I vote we get rid of craft corner. PARIS: No, that's my emotional homework! RORY: Okay, let's just all calm down for a sec. JANET: No. I cannot calm down. I have tried to be reasonable. I have told myself over and over, "God, look at her. Imagine what she's been through to make her turn out like that." PARIS: A lot! JANET: But you're impossible! And frankly, I'm just sick of your constant negativity! PARIS: You're on steroids, aren't you? That's what's behind this obsessive behavior. JANET: You're calling me obsessive? PARIS: I am not intimidated or afraid of you. [there's a knock at the door. Rory answers it] TREVOR: Hi. You ready to go? RORY: Just one sec. We're finishing up a roommates meeting. PARIS: I'll race you. RORY: What? PARIS: To Hewitt Quad and back. I win, no alarm before seven a.m. You win, I move my crafts area into Rory's and my room. RORY: Whoa, whoa, whoa. JANET: Forget it. I am not gonna race - PARIS: On your mark, get set, go. [runs out of the room] JANET: Hey! [follows her] TANNA: Now they're gonna have a nice musk. RORY: Shall we? TREVOR: After you. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai opens the front door. Luke walks in with some bags of takeout] LORELAI: Ah, man bearing bags of food. Come in. LUKE: I went a little overboard here. LORELAI: No such thing. LUKE: I got tons of fries, half a pumpkin pie. You got whipped cream here? LORELAI: Always. LUKE: And, uh, I wasn't sure what to do with the burgers because sometimes you order with double cheese, sometimes you don't, so I brought one with normal cheese and one with. . .[sees Chinese food containers on the coffee table]. . .what did you do? LORELAI: I ordered food. LUKE: I said I'd bring food. LORELAI: So I can't contribute, like I'm a piker? LUKE: No. Just that I didn't need to bring food. LORELAI: Well, I'm leftover girl. I'll have the burgers tonight and the Chinese food during the week. LUKE: Then you just should have ordered the Chinese fresh tomorrow instead of tonight. LORELAI: I don't like fresh Chinese food. I like stale Chinese food. LUKE: I give up. LORELAI: I got you a nice, cold beer. LUKE: Appreciate it. LORELAI: Okay. You are one click away from "Casablanca." LUKE: Start it up. LORELAI: No, whoa, whoa, whoa. We need to get situated. Are you all situated? LUKE: I'm situated. LORELAI: You need to, like, squish around a little. LUKE: I don't need to. LORELAI: Come on, squish around a little bit. LUKE: I'm fine how I am. LORELAI: Okay, but, uh, you can't squish during the movie because it's distracting. That's rule number one. LUKE: There's rules? LORELAI: Oh, yeah, especially for a true classic like "Casablanca." It's not like we're watching a there's-nothing-else-on movie or a guilty pleasure like "Hardbodies." Oh, my God. Have you seen "Hardbodies"? LUKE: I don't think so. LORELAI: Three middle-aged guys rent a beach house and they hire this young local stud to introduce them to cute girls, a.k.a. "Hardbodies." LUKE: Let's see that. LORELAI: No, Luke, we're seeing "Casablanca." LUKE: Then let's see that. LORELAI: Okay, the rest of the rules - no talking during the movie. No exceptions during a true classic. And minimize distraction. You know, no shifting around a lot, no phone calls, nothing. No going to the bathroom. If you go, you miss the movie 'cause we're not pausing the movie. That's the only way to get the flow of the thing, okay? LUKE: Fair enough. LORELAI: Okay. Here we go. [starts the movie] LUKE: What's that? LORELAI: Okay, um. . .A, um, no talking during the movie, and B, don't tell me you've never seen the FBI warning before. LUKE: It's new to me. LORELAI: Oh, my God. You're beyond monk. You're uber-monk. LUKE: Just start it up. I won't talk again. LORELAI: Okay, just one more warning - when they showed the first motion picture over a hundred years ago, it featured a train rushing toward the camera, and, um, people were so sure the train was going to burst off the screen and crush them that they ran away in terror. Now, Luke, the train is not going to leave the screen. LUKE: Hit the button. LORELAI: Okay. CUT TO ITALIAN RESTAURANT [Rory and Trevor are on their date] HOSTESS: Hang onto this. We'll page you when the table's ready. TREVOR: Thank you. A riot of color. Geeky but cool. Ever been to Italy? RORY: No. Yes. What am I saying? Yes. I was just there. Duh. TREVOR: Hard thing to forget. RORY: Yeah. I'm just so used to not having been anywhere, but yeah, I have. TREVOR: And what's it like? RORY: Terrific. TREVOR: Boy, they have these places all over. Two in Miami, Detroit. Hey, two in my hometown. Now, that's a great town. RORY: Definitely. TREVOR: So you've been there? RORY: Where? TREVOR: Chicago. RORY: Is that were you're from? TREVOR: Oh, I thought you saw where I was pointing. RORY: Oh, no. Um. . . TREVOR: You know, I miss things about home that I didn't think I'd miss. Like my little brother Brian. He drove me crazy my whole life, and now I can't wait for his e-mails. You have any siblings? RORY: No. You know, I read this article once about restaurants like this where they have an open bowl of mints that you grab on your way out. And when people come out of the bathroom, a lot of them don't wash their hands. They'll grab a mint and walk out, and people have studied the mints and they found traces of urine in them, so they're urine mints. TREVOR: Huh. Oh. Hey, we're being paged. RORY: Good. HOSTESS: Right this way. [The hostess leads them to their table. Rory sits down, and Trevor sits down next to her on the same side of the table] RORY: Oh. TREVOR: Thank you. HOSTESS: Enjoy. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Luke are watching the movie] LUKE: Stop doing that. LORELAI: Shh, no talking. LUKE: Then stop doing that. LORELAI: Doing what? LUKE: Looking at me. LORELAI: Vain party, table for one. LUKE: You know what I mean. You're watching me watch the movie. It's creepy. LORELAI: I enjoy watching people watch certain parts of certain movies. LUKE: But you look over just before something big happens, so I always know something's coming. LORELAI: Oh, I do? LUKE: You did it just before Humphrey Bogart saw Ingrid Bergman for the first time. LORELAI: Well, she's the costar. You knew something was coming. [she rewinds the movie a little] [the phone rings] LUKE: There goes our flow. LORELAI: Well, we missed stuff while we were talking. [the answering machine comes on] LORELAI: [on answering machine] Hi, it's Lorelai. Leave me a message. LUKE: You're back too far, we've seen this. LORELAI: I didn't. I was looking at you. LUKE: We'll never get through this. RORY: [on answering machine] Mom, are you there? LORELAI: Oh, wait, wait. LUKE: Come on. RORY: [on answering machine] Mom, if you're there, pick up. LORELAI: [answers phone] Honey, are you okay? LUKE: There goes the phone rule. RORY: No, this whole night is sucking. LORELAI: What? How? RORY: You're right - I've never dated before, and I know that now because of this feeling I have. I've never had this feeling before. LORELAI: Sort of frozen, sort of unsure, sort of wishing you'd read a lot of dating articles in preparation? RORY: I have no idea what I'm doing here, and everyone is staring at me because they know we're on a bad first date. LORELAI: Oh, so the guy's a dud? RORY: Trevor's fine. I'm moronic. I bring the conversation to a crashing halt every time I speak. LORELAI: Well, where is he now? RORY: In the bathroom, probably pondering my brilliant anecdote about urine mints. LORELAI: About what? RORY: You know, when people go to the bathroom and they don't wash their hands and they come out and they take a mint. LORELAI: Oh, my God. I've been eating those mints for years. [to Luke] Hey, did you know about urine mints? LUKE: What? RORY: And I've already forgotten everything that he said to me - the name of his brother and sister and best friend. And we're sitting on the same side of the table. We keep bumping menus, and my neck already hurts from trying to turn and look at him when he talks. Can I tell him to sit on the other side? LORELAI: Honey, you just. . .you have to relax, 'cause it's just a date, and sometimes dates don't go well. I mean, I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but if he comes back and you're on the phone, it might make things more awkward. RORY: Bite the bullet, huh? LORELAI: Yeah. Sorry, but yeah. RORY: Okay. I'll talk to you later. LORELAI: Bye. [hangs up] Oh, poor thing. LUKE: Dating's the worst. LORELAI: Yeah, but they're sitting on the same side of the table and that's awkward, and she can't think of what to say next, and you know, she's just gotta go through it and figure it out on her own. You just have to throw them out there and let them learn what those wings are for. LUKE: She could say there's a draft. LORELAI: What? LUKE: Where she's sitting. She could say the air conditioning is hitting her, switch to the other side, and just blame it on that. LORELAI: That's perfect. [Lorelai calls Rory back] RORY: [answers phone] Mom? LORELAI: Hey. Is he back yet? RORY: No. LORELAI: Say there's a draft and move to the other side of the table. It's very ladylike to feel drafts. He'll totally understand. RORY: Okay, good. LORELAI: And then ask what his brother and sister's names are. He'll like that you cared enough to confirm. RORY: Yeah, that seems right. LORELAI: Don't worry about the conversation. Just talk, and if the talk doesn't flow, it doesn't. And stay away from urine-related topics, and you're good to go. RORY: Thanks, Mom. LORELAI: Oh, the draft thing was Luke's. RORY: Well, thank him for me, too. I'd better go. LORELAI: Go, go. [hangs up] Oh, good. I feel so much better. She says thanks. LUKE: I wouldn't trade places with her for the world. LORELAI: Really? You wouldn't want to go out with a boy named Trevor? You might want to wait and see his picture. LUKE: I mean dating. It's a horror. LORELAI: It's the only cure for the singleness thing, barring ordering a spouse off the internet. LUKE: I missed nothing by not dating. LORELAI: Not true. LUKE: If I had dated a lot, I'd still be single. I'd just have spent a lot of bad nights at Tony Roma's. LORELAI: Yeah, but dating is how you get to know your potential partner. It's the only way. LUKE: There's the gut. I can tell if I'm comfortable with someone within seconds of meeting them. I feel it here. I felt it with Rachel. I felt it with Nicole. I was immediately relaxed. LORELAI: You've got the gut thing. LUKE: Well, it's just knowing that someone will let you be. That's a gut thing. LORELAI: Aah! You're fast-forwarding. LUKE: Well, we'll not gonna get through this thing. I just wanna get to the good parts. LORELAI: There are no bad parts of "Casablanca." Just go back. Back. I'm gonna go grab dessert. [Lorelai walks to the kitchen as the phone rings] LUKE: Hey, phone again. LORELAI: Ugh. LUKE: [answers phone] Hello? EMILY: Who is this? LUKE: Who's this? EMILY: This is Emily Gilmore. Who's this? LUKE: Luke Danes, Mrs. Gilmore. Your daughter's friend from the diner. Uh, hey, I'm not really supposed to be talking to you here. Hang on. LORELAI: Why did you answer the phone? LUKE: You answered it before. LORELAI: Yeah, but that was Rory. You should have told her I'm not here. LUKE: Then what would I be doing here? LORELAI: Light maintenance. LUKE: Come on, take it. LORELAI: You broke a rule. LUKE: You've broken every rule. LORELAI: Yeah, but dodging my mother's phone calls is not a movie-night rule. It's an always rule. [she takes the phone] Hi, Mom. What's up? EMILY: So now you're telling people they can't speak to me? LORELAI: No, Mom. It's just a little movie-night rule. If you and Luke wanna talk, you guys can talk. EMILY: I'm talking about Natalie Zimmerman. LORELAI: Natalie? EMILY: I called her today about sprucing up a room she did for me a year ago, and, as you would say, she blew me off. LORELAI: Well, what did she say? EMILY: She said she couldn't help me out, but she wouldn't say why, so I leaned on her a bit. She cracked and said she'd made you certain promises. LORELAI: Mom, I never told her she couldn't work for you. EMILY: She said you did. LORELAI: Well, no. Our agreement was - EMILY: So there was an agreement. LORELAI: Yes, but - EMILY: To exclude me? LORELAI: No. Well, not exactly. EMILY: You know, Lorelai, perhaps it would be easier if you just gave me a list of the people I'm not allowed to have contact with. So far I know there's Natalie and Sookie and Luke on movie night. What about Richard? Am I still allowed to talk to my husband? LORELAI: Mom, this is just a big misunderstanding. Go ahead and hire Natalie. EMILY: But you'll still have a problem with both of us using her. LORELAI: I will cease working with her. She's all yours. I'll tell her tomorrow. EMILY: Oh, wonderful. So it'll be my fault she loses the job. No, Lorelai, you keep her, and I promise I'll never speak to her - ever. If she's bleeding on the side of the road, I'll drive by and pretend I didn't see. LORELAI: Mom. . . EMILY: I have to go. LORELAI: I'm firing Natalie. EMILY: That's up to you. LORELAI: Consider it done. EMILY: I'll see you Friday. LORELAI: Yup. [hangs up] I know just how you feel, Rick. LUKE: Shh. LORELAI: Tsk. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Later that night, Rory walks through the front door] RORY: Mom? LORELAI: Hey, hey. Shh. [Luke is sleeping on the couch. Lorelai covers him up with a blanket] RORY: Tell me he didn't fall asleep during "Casablanca." LORELAI: No, we made it through "Casablanca." He fell asleep during "Hardbodies." RORY: How do you fall asleep during a classic like "Hardbodies"? LORELAI: There's no accounting for taste. RORY: He looks comfy there, doesn't he? LORELAI: Yeah, he does. [they walk to the kitchen] So, you wanna talk about it or you wanna forget about it? RORY: Well, there's nothing much to talk about. It was just bad. I got a little better as the night went on - talked a little more. He was very nice, just not my type. Oh, and the whole draft thing backfired. LORELAI: How so? RORY: Well, I switched over to the other side of the table. Then he started to feel the same draft and came over to my side. LORELAI: But we made up the draft. RORY: The power of suggestion. LORELAI: Boys are so malleable. RORY: It just all seemed so forced. I mean, I felt like I was locked into the pointless societal ritual. There has to be another way. LORELAI: Luke and I were debating that. Luke thinks it's all about gut instinct - you know instantly if a person is right for you. I think you have to go through a lot to find a contender. And you've been very lucky with boys before. They were just always sort of there, but I think for the most part, a girl's got to hunt a little. RORY: And go through a lot of non-contenders. LORELAI: Yes, then the non-contenders become your fun bad-date anecdotes. In fact, on your next date, if you're stuck for a topic, tell him about your bad date. RORY: But what if that date is bad? LORELAI: Then you have an anecdote for your next date. RORY: And how long does this go on? LORELAI: You've seen "Grey Gardens." It could go on forever. RORY: Oh, well, just shoot me now. LORELAI: Hang in there. Go with Luke's gut thing if all else fails. RORY: Maybe. CUT TO YALE LAUNDRY ROOM [Rory walks in. A guy is taking some clothes out of a dryer] RORY: Oh, um. . . GUY: Yeah? RORY: I think my clothes were in there. GUY: Oh, yeah, somebody had already dumped them out, so I put 'em in my basket to keep 'em clean. Hope you don't mind. RORY: No. Thanks. Wow, that's the coolest laundry basket I've ever seen. I love The Smiths. GUY: I had an older brother that got me into them, and when my friends were listening to Hootie and the Blowfish, I was memorizing "Meat is Murder." RORY: Well, I have a mom who's pretty much cooler than anyone you'd meet, and she did the same thing. GUY: Mine's a plain old soccer mom, but she's great. RORY: Well, being away like this makes you think about stuff like that, doesn't it - home? GUY: Totally. RORY: Hey, would you maybe wanna get a cup of coffee sometime, in between classes or something? GUY: I don't think so, but thanks. [leaves] RORY: You're welcome.

Rory accepts a classmate's invitation to go out on her first date since breaking up with Jess, while her roommates engage in a war of wills. Meanwhile, Lorelai invites Luke over to share the traditional Gilmore movie night she used to have with Rory, although she is somewhat disturbed after discovering that the designer she just hired to decorate the inn used to work for Emily.

fd_The_Walking_Dead_01x05

fd_The_Walking_Dead_01x05_0

Quarry Rick stares at a sunrise over Atlanta as he tries to reach Morgan on the walkie-talkie. Rick: Morgan, I don't know if you're out there. I don't know if you can hear me. Maybe you're listening right now. I hope so. I found others... my family, if you can believe it. My wife and son, they're alive. I wanted you to know that. There's something else you need to know. Atlanta isn't what we thought. It's not what they promised. The city is... Do not enter the city. It belongs to the dead now. We're camped a few miles northwest, up by a big abandoned rock quarry. You can see it on a map. I hope you come find us. But be careful. Last night walkers came out of the woods. We lost people. Watch yourself, Morgan. Take care of your boy. I'll try you again tomorrow at dawn. Survival Camp Andrea keeps vigil over the body of her dead sister Amy. Lori comes to her. Lori: Andrea. I'm so sorry. She's gone. You got to let us take her. We all cared about her and I promise we'll be as gentle as we can. The survivors of the attack start to clean up, burning the walker bodies and burying the dead from their group. Daryl swings at dead walkers' heads with a pickaxe as Glenn and T-Dog throw bodies in a fire. Rick: She still won't move? Lori: She won't even talk to us. She's been there all night. What do we do? Shane: Can't just leave Amy like that. We need to deal with it same as the others. Rick: I'll tell her how it is. Rick tries to approach Andrea but she pulls a gun on him. Rick: Andrea. Andrea: I know how the safety works. Rick: All right. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Rick backs off. OPENING CREDITS Survival Camp Daryl: Y'all can't be serious. Let that girl hamstring us? The dead girl's a time bomb. Rick: What do you suggest? Daryl: Take the shot. Clean, in the brain from here. Hell, I can hit a turkey between the eyes from this distance. Lori: No. For God's sakes, let her be. Survival Camp Daryl: Wake up, Jimbo. We've got some work to do. Morales and Daryl drag the body of a dead camper toward the fire. Morales: Thanks. Thanks. Glenn: What are you guys doing? This is for geeks. Our people go over there. Daryl: What's the difference? They're all infected. Glenn: Our people go in that row over there. We don't burn them! We bury them. Understand? Our people go in that row over there. Daryl and Morales drag the body toward the digging hole. Daryl: You reap what you sow. Morales: You know what? Shut up, man. Daryl: Y'all left my brother for dead. You had this coming. Jacqui and Jim pile up bodies. Jacqui notices blood on Jim's shirt. Jacqui: Are you bleeding? Jim: I just got some on me from the bodies. Jacqui: That blood is fresh. Were you bit? Jim: No. I got scratched during the attack. Jacqui: You got bit. Jim: I'm fine. Jacqui: Then show me. Jim: Don't tell, please. Jacqui: A walker got him. A walker bit Jim. All the guys come around him, worried. Jim: I'm okay. I'm okay. Daryl: Show it to us. Show it to us. Shane: Easy, Jim. Daryl: Grab him. Jim takes the shovel on the floor. Shane: Jim, put it down. Put it down. T-Dog catches Jim back and holds him. Jim: I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. Daryl lifts Jim's shirt, revealing a deep wound. Jim: I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. Survival Camp Later, the guys, Lori and Jacqui are talking about Jim's case. Daryl: I say we put a pickaxe in his head and the dead girl's and be done with it. Shane: Is that what you'd want if it were you? Daryl: Yeah, and I'd thank you while you did it. Dale: I hate to say it... I never thought I would... but maybe Daryl's right. Rick: Jim's not a monster, Dale, or some rabid dog. Dale: I'm not suggesting... Rick: He's sick. A sick man. We start down that road, where do we draw the line? Daryl: The line's pretty clear. Zero tolerance for walkers, or them to be. Rick: What if we can get him help? I heard the C.D.C. was working on a cure. Shane: I heard that too. Heard a lot of things before the world went to hell. Rick: What if the C.D.C. is still up and running? Shane: Man, that is a stretch right there. Rick: Why? If there's any government left, any structure at all, they'd protect the C.D.C. at all costs, wouldn't they? I think it's our best shot. Shelter, protection... Shane: Okay, Rick, you want those things, all right? I do too, okay? Now if they exist, they're at the army base. Fort Benning. Lori: That's 100 miles in the opposite direction. Shane: That is right. But it's away from the hot zone. Now listen to me. If that place is operational, it'll be heavily armed. We'd be safe there. Rick: The military were on the front lines of this thing. They got overrun. We've all seen that. The C.D.C. is our best choice and Jim's only chance. Daryl: You go looking for aspirin, do what you need to do. Someone needs to have some balls to take care of this damn problem! Shane: Hey hey hey! Daryl heads toward Jim with his pickaxe and tries to take a swing. Rick points his gun at Daryl's head. Rick: We don't kill the living. Daryl: That's funny coming from a man who just put a gun to my head. Shane: We may disagree on some things, not on this. You put it down. Go on. Daryl puts the pickaxe down and goes away. Rick: Come with me. Jim: Where are you taking me? Rick: Somewhere safe. Rick takes Jim with him. Survival Camp Dale sits beside Andrea. Dale: I came to pay my respects. Did I ever mention how I lost my wife? Andrea: Cancer, wasn't it? Dale: Yeah. I dragged her to every doctor, every test. And after all the surgeries and the chemos, she was ready. She accepted it, you know? But I never could. And I spent the last few years so angry. I felt so cheated. Since she passed, you girls were the first people... That I cared anything for. Dale: This is her birthday? Andrea: Her birthday was always like... like a week long affair. But I somehow always missed it. I was away at college or too busy for kid's parties. She'd call all excited. I always said that I'd make it home and I really always meant to, but I never made it past that phone call. Dale: I know things are hard enough for you without adding guilt into the mix, huh? Andrea pulls out the mermaid necklace and wraps it around Amy's neck. Survival Camp Nearby, Daryl continues to swing the pickaxe into dead walkers' skulls. When he gets to Ed, Carol stops him. Carol: I'll do it. He's my husband. She swings the pickaxe down on Ed's skull repeatedly and all of her anger against her abusive husband is let loose. Survival Camp Andrea hears Amy breathing. On the ground, Amy begins to stir. She opens her eyes. Andrea: Amy. Amy, I'm sorry. Amy reaches for Andrea. Her eyes are bloodshot and she moans and paws at the air. Andrea: I'm sorry for not ever being there. I always thought there'd be more time. I'm here now, Amy. I'm here. I love you. She's a walker now. Andrea sobs and shoots Amy in the head. Quarry Rick and Shane dig graves near the campsite. Rick: Say it. Shane: Okay. I'm thinking if you'd of stayed here, if you'd have looked after your own... Instead you went off. You took half our manpower with you. I'm thinking maybe our losses wouldn't have been so bad. Rick: If we hadn't gone off and brought those guns back when we did, I think our losses would have been a lot worse. Maybe the entire camp. The truck approaches and Daryl gets out of it. Daryl: I still think it's a mistake not burning these bodies. It's what we said we'd do, right? Burn 'em all, wasn't that the idea? Shane: At first. Daryl: The Chinaman gets all emotional, says it's not the thing to do, we just follow him along? These people need to know who the hell's in charge here, what the rules are. Rick: There are no rules. Lori: Well, that's a problem. We haven't had one minute to hold onto anything of our old selves. We need time to mourn and we need to bury our dead. It's what people do. RV In the RV, Jim is lying and hallucinating. He sees zombies growling. Oh no. No no no no. No, not this, please. No no no. Oh, no no no. No no. Quarry The survivors stage a funeral. Andrea and Dale are carrying Amy's body and putting it into a digging hole. Andrea is crying. Andrea: I can do it. I can do it. I can do it! I can do it. Survival Camp The survivors are leaving the quarry to come back to the camp. Rick: Burying other people is bad enough, but the thought of one of us... Lori: Shh. Carl: Are we safe now, dad? Now that we're together? Rick: I won't leave again. I promise you that. Not for anything. Now give me a chance to discuss some things with your mom, okay? Carl: Yeah. Rick: All right. All right. Carl goes back to the camp. Rick takes Lori's hand. Rick: Shane blames me for not being here. Do you? We got guns now. We're stronger. Lori: And we have fewer people. That makes us weaker. You want me to say I think you were right? I understand that. All I can say is that neither one of you is entirely wrong. It's the best I can do right now. Rick: What about the C.D.C.? Lori: Rick... Rick: We're at the ragged edge here. We need relief and we got a sick man who needs help. I don't know why people can't see that. Lori: Well, look at their faces. Look at mine. We're all terrified. If one of us suggested, based on a hunch, that we head toward that city, you'd have no part of it. Tell me something with certainty. Rick: I love you. That's all I got. Lori: I love you too. They hug. RV In the RV, Rick and Lori enter and join Jim and Carol. Carol: His fever is worse. Lori: You need anything? Jim: Uh... Water. Could use more water. Lori: I'll get some. Jim: Okay. Lori: Carol, you help me? Lori and Carol get out of the RV. Rick sits next to Jim. Jim: You save a grave for me? Rick: Nobody wants that. Jim: It's not about what you want. That, uh... that sound you hear, that's God laughing while you make plans. Rick: What I want, Jim, if... if God allows, is to get you some help. Jim groans and spits. Jim starts being delirious. Jim: Watch the mangroves. Their roots will gouge the whole boat. You know that, right? Amy is there swimming. You'll watch the boat, right? You said you would. Rick: I'll watch the boat. Don't worry. Jim: Okay. Outside Shane joins Lori. Shane: I need you to help talk some sense into Rick. Look, this C.D.C. thing, Lori, it's a mistake. So you're backing him? Lori: What else would I do? He's my husband. Shane: Look, it may be time for you to play the dutiful wife, but you can't tell me that fixing your marriage is worth putting people's lives at risk. Lori: I think folks around here can make up their minds without bringing my marriage into it. It's a habit you need to break. Shane: I guess I'll just add it to the list of habits that I'm breaking whether I like it or not. Rick emerges. Rick: What habits? Shane: Just talking about my need for a plan, man. So what is it? Are we leaving or not? Maybe y'all just want to stay here. We could hang some more tin cans. Rick: We can't stay here. We both know that. Lori: I was just telling Shane I think we should trust your gut. Shane: Let's go do our sweep. Forest Rick, Shane and Dale depart to sweep the forest for walkers. Shane: Tell you what, man, these people, man, they're not convinced. You know? You head to the C.D.C., you might be on your own. You gotta really consider whether you want to put Lori and Carl in that kind of spot. Rick: I got to do what's best for my family. Shane: Best for your family? What's that? Exposing them to all kinds of risks? Rick: As opposed to what? Crossing 100 miles of hostile territory? If we're looking for a lifeline, I say swim toward the closest ship, not further out to sea. Why can't you back me up? Shane: Look, I want to. It's just... I don't see it. Rick: If it was your family, you'd feel differently. Shane: What did you say to me? I kept 'em safe, man. I looked after them like they were my own. That's what I did. Rick: I didn't mean it that way. Shane: Well, how'd you mean it? Go on, man. How'd you mean it? Rick: You're misinterpreting me. Shane: All right. Rick: You're just hearing it wrong. Shane: Yeah? Rick: Look, you know... You know I can never repay that debt, okay? A branch snaps. Rick draws away. From a distance, Shane's aim lands on Rick. Glaring, he drops the gun, then notices Dale watching him. Dale: Jesus. Shane chuckles. Shane: I know. Gonna have to start wearing reflective vests out here. Seriously. Come on, man. Come on, man, let's go. Nothing out here. Dale watches Shane leaving, worried. [SCENE_BREAK] Survival Camp Dale, Rick and Shane come back to the camp. Shane: I've been, uh... I've been thinking about Rick's plan. Now look, there are no... There are no guarantees either way. I'll be the first one to admit that. I've known this man a long time. I trust his instincts. I say the most important thing here is we need to stay together. So those of you that agree, we leave first thing in the morning. Rick: Okay? Quarry At dawn, Rick tries to once again reach Morgan to advise him of their plan. Rick: We're moving out, leaving the quarry. If you heard me yesterday, you may be coming here. If you are, we'll be gone by the time you arrive. I'm leaving a note and map behind for you taped to a red car so you can follow our trail. We're heading to the C.D.C. If there's anything left, it's got to be there, don't you think? Morgan... I hope you were right about that place. I need you to be. RV Suddenly, Jim wakes up and coughs. Outside Shane: Everybody listen up. Those of you with C.B.s, we're gonna be on channel 40. Let's keep the chatter down, okay? Now you got a problem, don't have a C.B., can't get a signal or anything at all, you're gonna hit your horn one time. That'll stop the caravan. Any questions? Morales: We're, uh... We're... we're not going. Miranda: We have family in Birmingham. We want to be with our people. Shane: You go on your own, you won't have anyone to watch your back. Morales: We'll take the chance. I got to do what's best for my family. Rick: You sure? Morales: We talked about it. We're sure. Rick: All right. Shane. Shane: Yeah, all right. Rick: 357? Shane: Yeah. Rick hands Morales a gun and Shane hands him ammo. Shane: The box is half full. Miranda: Thank you all... For everything. Lori and Miranda hug. Lori: Come here. Shane: Good luck, man. Morales: Appreciate it. Shane: Yeah. Eliza hugs Sophia. Eliza: Bye. Miranda: Thank you. Miranda and Jacqui hug. Eliza gives her doll to Sophia, who is crying. Eliza: Bye. Rick: Channel 40 if you change your minds. All right? Morales: Yeah. Carol takes her daughter in her arms. Carol: I know. Morales, his wife Miranda and children go away. Shane: What makes you think our odds are any better? Come on. Let's go. Let's move out. They part ways. A note is sitting on the sports car for Morgan. Road Dale is driving his RV, while Jacqui takes care of Jim, who is in pain, and Glenn is next to Dale. Rick is driving a car with Lori by his side, Carl and Sophia on the backseat, followed by Shane's car, T-Dog's car with Andrea, and Daryl's car with a motorcycle on it. Roadside En route to the CDC, the RV's radiator hose bursts. Dale: I told you we'd never get far on that hose. I said I needed the one from the cube van. Rick: Can you jury-rig it? Dale: That's all it's been so far. It's more duct tape than hose. And I'm out of duct tape. Shane: I see something up ahead. A gas station if we're lucky. Jacqui gets out of the RV. Jacqui: Y'all, Jim... It's bad. I don't think he can take anymore. She goes back to Jim. Shane: Hey, Rick, you want to hold down the fort? I'll drive ahead, see what I can bring back. T-Dog: Yeah, I'll come along too and I'll back you up. Shane: Y'all keep your eyes open now. We'll be right back. While Shane and T-Dog drive ahead to find a replacement, Rick checks on Jim, who is in agony. RV Rick: We'll be back on the road soon. Jim: Oh no. Christ... My bones... My bones are like glass. Every little bump... God, this ride is killing me. Leave me here. I'm done. Just leave me. I want to be with my family. Rick: They're all dead. I don't think you know what you're asking. The fever... You've been delirious more often than not. Jim: I know. Don't you think I know? Jim groans. Jim: I'm clear now. In five minutes I may not be. Rick, I know what I'm asking. I want this. Leave me here. Now that's on me. Okay? My decision. Not your failure. Outside Rick: It's what he says he wants. Carol: And he's lucid? Rick: He seems to be. I would say yes. Dale: Back in the camp when I said Daryl might be right and you shut me down, you misunderstood. I would never go along with callously killing a man. I was just gonna suggest that we ask Jim what he wants. And I think we have an answer. Shane: We just leave him here? We take off? Man, I'm not sure I could live with that. Lori: It's not your call, either one of you. Rick and Shane carry Jim to a nearby tree. Rick: Yeah. That's it. Jim groans. Jim: Hey, another damn tree. Jim chuckles. Shane: Hey, Jim... I mean, you know it doesn't need to be this. Jim: No. It's good. The breeze feels nice. Shane: Okay. All right. Jacqui: Just close your eyes, sweetie. Don't fight. Jacqui kisses him on the cheek. Rick takes a gun and shows him. Rick: Jim, do you want this? Jim: No. You'll need it. I'm okay. I'm okay. Dale: Oh. Hey. Thanks for, uh, for fighting for us. Jim: Okay. The group departs after making goodbye signs to Jim. CDC Headquarters Wildfire MSB3417 Active - Begin Transmission: A video monitor crackles. An unshaven man, Dr. Jenner, speaks into the camera. Dr. Jenner: Jenner here. It's day 194 since wildfire was declared and 63 days since the disease abruptly went global. There's no clinical progress to report. Item... I finally got the scrubbers in the east sector shut down to save power. Wish I could have done it a month ago, but it took me that long to figure it out. Too bad I never studied engineering. Could have saved a lot of amps. Item... I'm still not sleeping well. Can't seem to keep regular hours. Living underground doesn't help, not knowing if it's day or night. I'm just feeling very off-kilter Wildfire MSB3417 Active - End Transmission. Laboratory In a biohazard suit, Jenner passes through an airlock into a laboratory. He opens a tissue sample labeled TS-19 and begins an experiment. Reaching for a beaker, he accidentally knocks corrosive fluid on the tissue. An alarm sounds as Jenner runs to a decontamination chamber and disrobes. Computer voice: Alert status. Air qualifiers indicate corrosive fumes. All personnel must clear the room. Corrosive element is deemed poisonous if inhaled. All personnel clear. Full decontamination in effect. From the safety of the airlock, Jenner watches helplessly as the lab, and all of the remaining TS-19 samples, are engulfed in flames - an automatic safety protocol. Dr. Jenner: No! Computer voice: Full decontamination complete. CDC Headquarters Later, a drunken Jenner speaks into the monitor. Dr. Jenner: The TS19 samples are gone. The tragedy of their loss cannot be overstat. They were our freshest samples by far. None of the other samples we gathered even came close. Those are necrotic, useless dead flesh. I don't even know why I'm talking to you. I bet there isn't a single son of a bitch out there still listening, is there? Is there? Fine. Saves me the embarrassment. I think tomorrow I'm gonna blow my brains out. I haven't decided. But tonight, I'm getting drunk. He pours drink. Dr. Jenner: Speaking of which, how far do you think I can chuck this, huh? Pretty far I bet. He throws the bottle away, shattering glass. Dr. Jenner: Oh! It is out of the stadium! Outside The caravan arrives outside the compound. Surrounding the building are a lot of corpses, as well as swarms of flies. Rick's caravan approaches the CDC, where hundreds of bodies lay dead on the ground. The group quietly approaches the building. Shane: All right, everybody. Keep moving. Go on. Stay quiet. Let's go. Okay, keep moving. Stay together. Rick: Keep moving. Come on. Jacqui: Shh. Lori: Carol. Shane: Shh. Glenn: Oh, God. CDC Headquarters Inside the CDC, Jenner's proximity alarm sounds. Stunned, he watches the group's approach via a security monitor. Dr. Jenner: No. Outside They reach the building which is locked and shuttered. Shane: Keep it together. Come on. Lori: We're almost there, baby. Almost there. Shane: Nothing? Shane pounds on door. T-Dog: There's nobody here. Rick: Then why are these shutters down? Daryl: Walkers! Lori: Baby, come on. Daryl shoots the walker in the head. Daryl: You led us into a graveyard! Shane: He made a call. Daryl: It was the wrong damn call! Shane: Just shut up. You hear? Shut up. Shut up! Rick, this is a dead end. Jacqui: Where are we gonna go? Shane: Do you hear me? No blame. Lori: She's right. We can't be here, this close to the city after dark. Shane: Fort Benning, Rick... Still an option. Andrea: On what? No food, no fuel. That's 100 miles. Glenn: 125. I checked the map. Lori: Forget Fort Benning. We need answers tonight, now. Rick: We'll think of something. Shane: Come on, let's go. Let's get out of here. Let's go. Please. Rick catches sight of the security camera's movement. Shane: All right, everybody back to the cars. Let's go. Move. Rick: The camera... it moved. Shane: You imagined it. Rick: It moved. It moved. Shane: Rick, it is dead, man. It's an automated device. It's gears, okay? They're just winding down. Now come on. Dr. Jenner: No, just go away. Shane: Man, just listen to me. Look around this place. It's dead, okay? It's dead. You need to let it go, Rick. Rick slams on the shutters. Lori: Rick, there's nobody here! Rick: I know you're in there. I know you can hear me. Shane tries to drag him away, with the help of Lori. Shane: Everybody get back to the cars now! Rick: Please, we're desperate. Please help us. We have women, children, no food, hardly any gas left. Lori: Rick. There's nobody here. Rick: We have nowhere else to go. Rick pounds on the door. Rick: Keep your eyes open. If you don't let us in, you're killing us! Please! Shane: Come on, buddy, let's go. Let's go. Rick: Please help us. You're killing us! You're killing us! You're killing us! The group is just about to leave when the door to the CDC opens, drowning the survivors in light.

As the survivors bury their dead, some split off on their own. Rick, against Shane's judgement, leads the rest to the CDC facility in Atlanta, which initially appears abandoned and locked-down, but Rick spots signs of life and demands entry.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_05x38

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_05x38_0

THE WHEEL IN SPACE by DAVID WHITAKER from a story by KIT PEDLER first broadcast - 18th May 1968 running time - 25mins 32secs [SCENE_BREAK] 1. CABIN (The two hypnotized men turn to their new masters.) CYBERMAN 1: You will take us to the Wheel. CYBERMAN 2: Obey. Inside the Wheel you will help us. You will obey. (LALEHAM and VALLANCE nod in agreement.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. DOCTOR'S ROOM (ZOE has got JARVIS and GEMMA and they have been listening to the Doctor as he explains about the Cybermen and shows them the Cybermat.) JARVIS: And what's all that supposed to mean? DOCTOR: The Cybermen are threatening this space Wheel. JARVIS: Cybermen!? Where did you dream up a name like that. (ZOE, ever wanting to be useful, pitches in.) ZOE: The study of a... a system. Control and communication in animals and devices such as Cybernetic machines. JARVIS: (Talking to Zoe.) What are you talking about? ZOE: Cybernetics. JARVIS: (Snaps.) I know all there is to know about Cybernetics. I don't need a lecture from you. DOCTOR: But the Cybermen exist. You've got to believe me, you've got to! JARVIS: What, on the evidence of one faked-up X-ray shot? ZOE: It is not faked-up. I took it myself Controller. (This takes the sting out of JARVIS.) JARVIS: Well... what are these Cybermen then? DOCTOR: They were once men, human beings, like yourself, from the planet Mondas. But now they're more robot then man. JARVIS: You mean half and half? DOCTOR: Oh no, more than that. Their entire body are mechanical and their brains have been treated neurosurgically to remove all human emotion. All sense of pain. They're ruthless inhuman killers! (JARVIS greets this with mocking laughter.) JARVIS: You really expect me to believe that rubbish! DOCTOR: It's not rubbish! They kill anyone that stands in their path. You've got to believe me. You've just got to! [SCENE_BREAK] 3. CABIN (The two crewmen get their instructions.) CYBERMAN 1: You will ferry us to the Wheel. Obey. Inside the Wheel you will help us. (The CYBERMEN then climb into a huge empty crate and two men then duly fit false bottoms. They then stack Bernalium rods above the prostrate Cybermen.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. DOCTOR'S ROOM DOCTOR: But don't you understand. The Cybermen will get inside this space Wheel. JARVIS: Nothing just comes in and out of this Wheel. What do you think this is - a jet heliport? DOCTOR: They've already sent their Cybermats in to weaken you. JAMIE: Look, listen to him. He's telling you the truth! JARVIS: No, I'll tell you what he's doing, what too many people are trying to do. I don't know why - must be space sickness. They're spreading fear, alarm... terror. You think I can't see it? GEMMA: He's sincere Jarvis. At least... JARVIS: How can anything get inside the Wheel, Gemma? How? How can it get through the airlock? Perhaps it'll float through the loading bay in full view of everybody. GEMMA: Still worth listening and taking precautions just in case there is anything... JARVIS: Don't tell me my job, Gemma. I am still Controller of this Wheel and this will be run my way. Any orders to the contrary can come from Earth central. That's what... (The increasing pressure begins to show on the frantic man's face as he storms out.) DOCTOR: Oh dear. How can you convince a man like that? GEMMA: That X-ray. I think that Bill Duggan should see it. Go and find him, will you Zoe? ZOE: Isn't he confined to his quarters? GEMMA: Have him bought here, under guard if necessary, but get him here - I'll be responsible. (ZOE leaves.) GEMMA: Jarvis was right about one thing, Doctor. These Cybermen of yours can't just walk into the Wheel you know. DOCTOR: (Grim.) They will find a way. [SCENE_BREAK] 5. SPACE (VALLANCE and LALEHAM space walk back to the Wheel trailing the big crate behind them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. OPERATIONS ROOM (Enrico now mans the communication console.) ENRICO: (Into communicator.) Rainbow flux normal. That completes the advance weather information. This is Station W-3 signing out. VOICE: (OOV.) Thank you W-3. Thanks for the good news. Signing out. ENRICO: Survey party calling in. (Into communicator.) Yes, come in survey party. VALLANCE: (Dull and OOV.) Coming in through loading bay, Control. TANYA: Ask why. Airlock five is all ready. ENRICO: (Into communicator.) Is anything wrong? Airlock five is ready for you. VALLANCE: (OOV.) We found a whole crate of Bernalium on the rocket. Bringing it over with us. Approval please Control. ENRICO: This should buck the old man up a bit. TANYA: Yes. I'll just check. (She goes to the communicator and calls up JARVIS.) ENRICO: (Into communicator.) Just checking with control Armand, Await confirmation. JARVIS: (OOV.) Yes? TANYA: Survey party reports a find of Bernalium. They are bringing it over from the rocket. Can I give them the go-ahead? JARVIS: (OOV.) Somebody using their brains as last. Yes, yes. We need it badly. Good work, good work. TANYA: All right, Enrico. ENRICO: Hello, survey party. All clear on the cargo run. Am clearing the loading bay for your arrival. TANYA: Close off airlock five and clear loading bay... [SCENE_BREAK] 7. DOCTOR'S ROOM (BILL has arrived and has been shown the picture.) BILL: Well, that's it all right. GEMMA: What you called "billy-bug" BILL: Yea. GEMMA: You're sure about this? BILL: I'm definite. I thought that I had come across some strange space-creature. DOCTOR: It's an alien machine. Destructive. Capable of killing. BILL: It seems like a space-rodent. Look, I know, you all think I'm crazy... GEMMA: Course not Bill. After all, you discovered space flora out here. When you found the Cybermat, you obviously thought that it was space fauna. DOCTOR: Yes, it's a pity you didn't tell somebody sooner. BILL: Maybe so, Doc, but look at what happened when I did tell the old man. DOCTOR: Yes. ZOE: (To BILL.) I'd better take you back Bill. (To the others.) I've got some new calculations to do on those meteorites. Half of the space-fleet might be flying straight into them. (She leaves with BILL.) DOCTOR: Meteorites. Now the Cybermats must have been sent in to destroy the laser gun. GEMMA: They nearly did. DOCTOR: What? GEMMA: Well, I assume they did. They seem to have taken a liking to all of the stock of Bernalium we have on board. The laser needs a constant supply of Bernalium rods. DOCTOR: You see, Jamie? JAMIE: I see right enough. If I hadn't put the laser out of action, the Cybermats would have. DOCTOR: Yes, but why? JAMIE: But that's obvious. Put the Wheel out of action and make it defenceless. DOCTOR: But the Wheel must have other defences. GEMMA: Magnetic field deflectors. The messeng shield. They can counteract small meteorites. DOCTOR: No, I think the Bernalium was destroyed for another purpose but what? What? [SCENE_BREAK] 8. LOADING BAY (LALEHAM and VALLANCE's space walk nears it's end. Bringing the large crate behind them, they enter the loading bay doors of the Wheel with their deadly cargo.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. LIBRARY ZOE: (Into microphone.) Progress readings on the star Hercules 208 in Messia 13. Radar computes... JAMIE: What are you doing? (ZOE carries on like nothing has happened.) ZOE: Bank A-208.16, Bank B-321.64. Lateral... JAMIE: Are you talking to yourself. (ZOE gives up and switches off the tape.) ZOE: James Robert McCrimmon, do you realise what you have done? JAMIE: What have I done? ZOE: Well I was recording some very important readings. Well now you're on my tape. JAMIE: (Lost.) Hey? (ZOE rewinds the tape and plays it back.) JAMIE: How did you do that without moving your lips? (ZOE points to the recorder. We hear JAMIE interrupt ZOE again.) JAMIE: That's me. Sorry have I ruined it? ZOE: No, not really. (She turns and moves further down the library. JAMIE follows her and she turns round.) ZOE: Is there anything you want? JAMIE: No. I'm all right. ZOE: Well, I've got some calculations to do on those new readings. JAMIE: Aye, everybody's so busy. Not that they would talk to me anyway. ZOE: Well, you did get off to a bad start. JAMIE: You mean ruining the laser. Aye, I suppose I did. Hey, anyway I had to do that. ZOE: Why? JAMIE: Because the... (JAMIE is torn between lying and telling ZOE about the TARDIS.) JAMIE: Well, I can't really tell you. [SCENE_BREAK] 10. POWER ROOM (FLANNIGAN, LEO and another crew-member are trying to mend the laser.) LEO: Will you hold that light still, Flannigan. FLANNIGAN: My arm's getting tired. LEO: Oh, you are a great help. CREW-MEMBER: Just another few seconds, sir. LEO: Will you get me that driver. (The crew-member goes over and gets it.) LEO: Come on, hurry up. (He is handed the driver.) LEO: Right. (He attempts to get something out...) LEO: Ah, my beauty. (...which he succeeds in doing. JARVIS and BILL enter the room.) JARVIS: How's it going? LEO: Ah, hello sir. (To the Crew-Member.) All right Penny. (To JARVIS.) Well, the boys can do with a break, they worked non-stop. JARVIS: I'm giving you Bill Duggan, No reason why he can't make himself useful. You others take a break. Keep up the good work. LEO: All right sir. JARVIS: Yes. (JARVIS leaves.) LEO: Oh boy, am I glad to see you Bill. BILL: How's it look? LEO: Oh, we've just had a bit of luck. The central deployment didn't get any plastic. BILL: Oh, that's great. What about the Bernalium? LEO: I haven't got around to that yet. (To the crew-member and FLANNIGAN.) Go on you two, hop it. FLANNIGAN: If it's all the same with you sir, we'll just grab a snack and be back in five minutes. LEO: You take 45 minutes and like it. FLANNIGAN: Right. (They leave.) BILL: What about you - you look done in. LEO: Oh, I can't leave you on your own. It needs at least two to handle this thing. (CHANG walks by FLANNIGAN at the door and enters the room.) CHANG: Some people have all the luck. The Controller said that you needed some help. Of course, I have only done two watches in a row. LEO: Congratulations. I've done three. BILL: Oh, go and shove off Leo, Chang and I can handle this. LEO: Well, I... BILL: Come on, I know how to get the Bernalium done, hey. [SCENE_BREAK] 11. DOCTOR'S ROOM GEMMA: It's an extraordinary X-ray. DOCTOR: Extraordinary! Extraordinary? GEMMA: I dare say your head will ache for a quite a while yet, but at least there's no damage. DOCTOR: Oh, I am so glad there is no damage. Miss Corwyn. GEMMA: Mrs. DOCTOR: Oh, oh forgive me. GEMMA: My husband died in the asteroid belt three years ago. DOCTOR: Oh. I'm so sorry. GEMMA: My name's Gemma. DOCTOR: Gemma... How nice. Hmm, Gemma. Tell me... tell me about the Controller, Jarvis. GEMMA: Tell you what? DOCTOR: He is a strange man to be in a position like this? GEMMA: In ordinary circumstances no. DOCTOR: Are there any ordinary circumstances in space? GEMMA: Jarvis is simply a man that can't accept phenomena outside the laws of physics. DOCTOR: Yes, that is a very accurate... GEMMA: Were you going to say diagnosis? DOCTOR: You're very perceptive. GEMMA: You see in this failing of his a medical weakness. DOCTOR: Don't you? GEMMA: Normally he is more than capable of commanding this station. It's a continuous and merciless responsibility. DOCTOR: Exactly. One does wonder what a man like that will do when faced with a problem for which he has no solution. GEMMA: I must confess I have been concerned. Jarvis shows sign of blocking off his mind. He can't face the truth. [SCENE_BREAK] 12. OPERATIONS ROOM (JARVIS enters the room and walks up to TANYA.) JARVIS: Everything in order here? (He jumps in before TANYA can say a word.) JARVIS: Yes, yes. I see it is. Good, good. (He goes, leaving TANYA with suspicions about his behaviour.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. CORRIDOR (JARVIS breezes through the Wheel on his way to the Medical unit.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. DOCTOR'S ROOM (The DOCTOR is out of bed and is putting on his black frock-coat against GEMMA's advice.) GEMMA: But you need rest, you really shouldn't get up yet. DOCTOR: Of course I have to get up. (JAMIE enters the room, GEMMA turns to him.) GEMMA: Can you persuade him to rest? JAMIE: Och, there's no good trying to stop him. GEMMA: But it's much too soon. DOCTOR: Gemma, be reasonable. I know the dangers. The Cybermen need to colonise. They must have the treasures of Earth. GEMMA: You can't leave this room. Jarvis has given orders. DOCTOR: He is not in control of himself. GEMMA: I'm sorry, Doctor. I can't counter-command any order that the controller has issued. JAMIE: (To DOCTOR.) He is as stubborn as you are. [SCENE_BREAK] 15. CORRIDOR (JARVIS stops a person walking along the corridor.) JARVIS: Everything in order here? Good. Good. (He enters the Doctor's room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. DOCTOR'S ROOM JARVIS: (Cheerfully to the Doctor.) Up and about already eh? That's better. (To Gemma.) I've done a tour, Gemma. Everything running like clockwork. GEMMA: Fine. I'd like to talk to you about the rocket. (JARVIS doesn't seem to have heard the question.) JARVIS: Yes, everything is going rather well. Very well indeed. (To the DOCTOR.) You must want to stretch your legs. Get someone to take you round. DOCTOR: Oh, oh thank you. Er, you will tell the guard, won't you. JARVIS: (To the GUARD outside.) Off you go. Everything is in order here. GEMMA: Jarvis... JARVIS: You might want to make a note about morale, Gemma. It's excellent. Never been better. GEMMA: But... JARVIS: Yes, there is nothing we can't handle. Nothing. (He rubs his forehead.) JARVIS: Tired now. Turn in I suppose and get some sleep. Yes that's good. I need you first watch. Yes, keep up the good work. Keep up the good work. (He leaves leaving three people shocked and confused about his behaviour.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. POWER ROOM (BILL takes out the Bernalium rods from the laser.) BILL: These are no good anyway. They're covered in plastic. CHANG: Laleham and Vallance bought back a load of Bernalium from the rocket. BILL: Well just don't stand there, go and grab a dozen sticks. With a bit of luck, we can replace these and reassemble in a couple of hours. Well, go on. Chop Chop CHANG: I'm on my way. (CHANG walks out of the room...) [SCENE_BREAK] 18. LOADING BAY (...and goes to the loading bay. It is seemingly deserted as CHANG descends a ladder to examine the opened Bernalium boxes. However, the open crate with an obviously false bottom soon diverts his curiosity. A stubby metallic hand clutches his shoulder before he can continue investigating. He staggers back in horror on realising the threat posed by the powerful silver giants. LALEHAM and VALLANCE, now out of their spacesuits, do nothing as CHANG turns to them for help.) CHANG: Help me! (CHANG makes some desperate gestures of resistance, but the aliens viciously terminate his life by activating lethal energy bursts from their chest units. LALEHAM and VALLANCE then pick up the boxes of rods and carry them up the ladder while the Cybermen turn to the body.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. OPERATIONS ROOM (A light shines up on Tanya's panel as Leo comes in.) TANYA: Enrico? ENRICO: Hmm. (LEO walks in.) TANYA: Oh, hello Leo. ENRICO: Hello Chief. TANYA: Have you any notes of anybody using the waste incinerator in the loading bay. ENRICO: No, I don't think so. I'll check. LEO: What's the problem? TANYA: Someone has just used the incinerator in the loading bay. ENRICO: No, no, there's nothing here. LEO: Hmm, you better put it in the log, Tanya. Someone for the high jump. [SCENE_BREAK] 20. POWER ROOM (BILL hears VALLANCE and LALEHAM come back with the boxes.) BILL: (Thinking that it is Chang.) Hello boys, hey good on ya. (He sees who it is.) Where's Chang? LALEHAM: (Dull.) Cut his hand - gone to the Medical bay. BILL: Trust him. VALLANCE: (Dull.) Anything to be done? BILL: Yea, you can open up a box of rods. (Turns back to the laser.) BILL: Got this problem licked. I just hope that the rods are the right dimension. That's all. LALEHAM: (Dull.) They are. BILL: Since when have you been a expert. (The controlled humans open the box as BILL continues to work.) VALLANCE: (Dull.) The laser has to be made operative. Or the meteorites will destroy the Wheel. (He states this as if it is his only purpose in life.) BILL: (Sarcastic.) No! Why do you think I'm sweating my back off here. (He laughs. LALEHAM removes a rod and takes it up to BILL. VALLANCE is out of earshot.) BILL: Here, what's up with him? (LALEHAM ignores the question.) LALEHAM: (Dull.) They're the right ones. (BILL looks at them.) BILL: Yes, so they are. You must be psychic. But don't tell the old man. He doesn't believe in ESP. (He fits the rod in.) BILL: Hey, this is perfect, marvellous. VALLENCE: (Dull.) When will the repair be finished? BILL: Won't be done at all if you keep nattering. VALLENCE: (Dull.) The meteorites must not strike the Wheel. BILL: Sheech, that's all that worries you doesn't it. Oh, don't worry, don't worry. It'll be a close call, but I bet I'll have this laser ready and in operation in six to seven hours. So you can sleep in your bed like babies; the pair of you. Daddy won't let anything happen to you. (He turns back to the laser and starts work again, whistling.) BILL: Now, (Talking over his shoulder.) if you really want to make yourselves useful... (He is aware of a presence behind him. He slowly turns to face one of the Cybermen. The creature emits a mesmerising light-beam from its forehead. Bill falls to his knees and lets out an agonised scream as his mind is taken over. He then stands up.) CYBERMAN 1: The Wheel must be protected from the meteorites. We will assemble your laser defence rays. You will go to Central Control. BILL: (Dull.) Central Control? LALEHAM: (Dull.) The Operations Room CYBERMAN 1: These are your orders. [SCENE_BREAK] 21. GEMMA'S OFFICE (GEMMA is working at her desk when she hears a knock at the door. ZOE opens the door and enters the office.) GEMMA: Oh Zoe, it's you. What do you want? ZOE: Well, it's rather difficult to explain. GEMMA: What is it? ZOE: Well, I've done a report. Some calculations I've been doing. I was ordered to forget them. GEMMA: (Surprised.) Ordered?! By whom?! What report!? ZOE: My calculations on the orbital path of the meteorite storm. I found a new element which indicated a critical state and I reported my findings to the Controller. GEMMA: And he ignored them. ZOE: Yes. You don't sound very surprised. GEMMA: No. ZOE: He said that it was all perfectly normal but it isn't. GEMMA: He's getting worse. ZOE: Is he ill? GEMMA: I don't know yet. ZOE: Well, if he is he has chosen a rather inconvenient time hasn't he? GEMMA: (Half-puzzled and half-disgusted.) Do you ever feel anything emotional, Zoe? ZOE: Emotional. You know that's the second time I've been asked that in the last couple of hours. Leo Ryan said that I was "all brains and no heart." GEMMA: (Understanding.) Yes, it's your training. I wouldn't worry about it. ZOE: But I do. I don't want to be thought of as a freak. Leo said that I was like a robot, a machine. I think he's right. My head has been pumped full of facts and figures which I reel out automatically when needed, but I want to feel things as well. GEMMA: (Pleased.) Good. Unfortunately the parapsychologist at the city tends to ignore this aspect in his pupils. Some of them never fully develop their human emotions. ZOE: You don't think I'll be like that, do you? GEMMA: No. You seem to have survived their brain-washing techniques remarkably well. ZOE: (With relief.) Oh good. GEMMA: Now about these calculations... [SCENE_BREAK] 22. OPERATIONS ROOM (The DOCTOR is being shown round by LEO and TANYA. JAMIE is in the background.) TANYA: And this last one is how we check everything. DOCTOR: I see. LEO: Anything that uses energy on the Wheel, however small, is registered on this wall. From a coffee-grinder up. DOCTOR: Do you have any coffee? LEO: Would you like some? DOCTOR: I'd love some, I really would. (TANYA offers a tablet to the Doctor.) TANYA: A coffee pellet. Would you like one? DOCTOR: That's very kind of you. (He mumbles about the controls and then GEMMA and ZOE arrive on the bridge. GEMMA signals to LEO.) LEO: Excuse me Doctor. Tanya. (TANYA gives the Doctor his coffee and then goes and joins the group. JAMIE joins the DOCTOR.) JAMIE: Doctor, don't forget we need that mercury stuff for the TARDIS. DOCTOR: No, Jamie, I haven't forgotten. I'm worried about the TARDIS. If I'm right and those Cybermen are... (He notices the group.) DOCTOR: What's going on? (JAMIE spots ZOE.) JAMIE: Let's find out. (They join ZOE.) DOCTOR: What's going on Zoe? ZOE: I ran some new calculations on the orbital path of the meteorite storm. They're heading toward us faster than we thought. JAMIE: Don't you have any cheerful news? ZOE: These are facts. And these are irrefutable. DOCTOR: I wouldn't dream of contradicting you. Can... Can you repair the laser gun in time? ZOE: Well, that's not the worry. The Controller. I went to him with the new data on the meteorites and he just bashed the whole thing aside. DOCTOR: Oh dear, he's getting worse. ZOE: That what Dr. Corwyn said. He is ill isn't he? DOCTOR: Why aren't you worried about the laser gun. I thought that all of the Bernalium has been destroyed. ZOE: Oh no, some more turned up. DOCTOR: Oh good. ZOE: Yes, two of the men bought a crate of it over from the rocket. DOCTOR: (Happy.) Ah. (Then changes to obvious concern.) What?! What did you say? ZOE: Well, that's what Flannigan said. I met him when he was going off duty. (The DOCTOR dashes over to GEMMA.) DOCTOR: Gemma! Gemma, did you know about this Bernalium from the rocket? GEMMA: Yes, Tanya told me. DOCTOR: But don't you see what it means. The Cybermen are here. They came over in that crate. GEMMA: But how can our two men have bought them over. DOCTOR: But they didn't know what they were doing. They were obeying orders. GEMMA: The Cybermen hypnotised them. DOCTOR: Yes, something like that. GEMMA: We're not exactly children, Doctor. All space-men are protected against brain-control by drugs. DOCTOR: Yes but... but a neurotropic drug is only effective against a known enemy. Have you induced repulsion in all parts of the brain yet? GEMMA: No but there are the planted Silenski capsules. It gives off a signal when there is an adverse influence against the wearer. DOCTOR: How can we check? GEMMA: (Calls to TANYA.) Tanya, I want to check the Silenski circuit. TANYA: But I shall have to activate the whole defence network. GEMMA: I'll authorise the extra power. (TANYA crosses to the particular panel with the DOCTOR. While they are doing this BILL enters the room.) TANYA: Watch the lines. If there isn't, everything is normal. DOCTOR: I see. TANYA: Try this room first. DOCTOR: Yes, yes. (To GEMMA.) Is that all right? (GEMMA nods. Nearby JAMIE and ZOE have spotted BILL.) JAMIE: What's he hanging around for? I thought that he was under guard or something. ZOE: So did I. Bill, has the Controller...? (BILL walks past them and slowly walks towards the communicator panel.) TANYA: Here, Wait a minute. Look. (A line can be seen on the monitor.) GEMMA: Someone is affected, Doctor. You were right. TANYA: Someone in this room. DOCTOR: Er, can we pin it down to an individual. TANYA: I cordoned the room off. (BILL gets closer and closer and we can see that he has a spanner in his hand.) TANYA: Over there. (She points to the communication panel. BILL raises the spanner.) TANYA: In the direction of... (She is too late as BILL starts to attack the communication equipment.) DOCTOR: Oh, stop him. (ENRICO is hurled from his chair and even an attack from JAMIE isn't much use as he is casually thrown aside by the possessed man, as he attacks the communication panel like there is no tomorrow. LEO pulls out a blaster and shoots BILL before any more damage can be done. As the blaster haze subsides, BILL falls to the ground with a scream. The DOCTOR approaches the body and checks him over.) DOCTOR: He's dead. (He stands up, his face grim. This death must not go unpunished.) DOCTOR: Now listen... listen everyone, the Cybermen are here, in this Wheel. They took over this poor fellow to stop you sending to Earth or signalling for help. LEO: But... DOCTOR: Just a minute. Gemma, you must alert the whole Wheel and you need something stronger than drugs to stop your people from being taken over. It doesn't matter how crude it is. A metal plate and a transistor will do. Tape them to the back of the neck. It will absorb the Cyber control signal. LEO: I can do that. DOCTOR: Yes. Good. TANYA: (To LEO.) I'll help you. DOCTOR: Right. (He joins JAMIE.) JAMIE: What do we do? DOCTOR: We're going hunting Jamie. JAMIE: Are you sure who is going to be hunted? DOCTOR: That is a very good question. Come on. (They leave the bridge and ZOE goes over to LEO and TANYA.) ZOE: Can I do something? TANYA: No. ZOE: Is there anything I can do? TANYA: Well, all right... (ZOE starts to help.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23. LOADING BAY (The DOCTOR and JAMIE edge down the steps to the loading bay. After looking about for a moment, JAMIE sees the crate that they are looking for.) JAMIE: Doctor, there it is. DOCTOR: Jamie, I know, now shush. (They soon discover the crate's false bottom. However a noise is heard - Someone is coming down the steps. They both whisper to each other and they both hide behind the crate to see who it is... It's a CYBERMAN. It descends the steps, crosses over to one of the boxes of Bernalium. However, if it turns around it will see the DOCTOR and JAMIE...)

The Cybermen instruct their human slaves to smuggle them onto the Wheel while the Doctor attempts to convince Bennett of the threat they pose.

fd_FRIENDS_03x05

fd_FRIENDS_03x05_0

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, there is lumber all over the apartment] Chandler: (entering) Hey! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey-hey-hey. So what happened? A forest tick you off? Joey: No. Y'know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail. Chandler: Yeah! Joey: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step. Chandler: You're building a post office? Joey: No, an entertainment unit, with a mail cubby built right in. It's a one day job, max. Chandler: Okay. (notices that Joey is wearing some really tight jeans) My word! Those are snug. Joey: Oh yeah. These are my old work pants, Sergio Valente's. (Chandler goes to his bedroom and opens the door. However, only the top half opens, and he trips into his bedroom over the bottom half.) Joey: Power saw kinda got away from me there. Opening Credits [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is pacing back and forth waiting for someone.] Rachel: (joining Phoebe outside) Hey Pheebs. Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Any sign of your brother? Phoebe: No, but he's always late. Rachel: I thought you only met him once? Phoebe: Yeah, I did. I think it sounds y'know big sistery, y'know, 'Frank's always late.' Rachel: Well relax, he'll be here. Phoebe: No, I know, I'm just nervous. Y'know it's just y'know Mom's dead, don't talk to my sister, Grandma's been sleeping a lot lately. It's like the last desperate chance to have a family, y'know, kinda thing. You're so sweet to wait with me. Rachel: Well, actually Gunther sent me. You're not allowed to have cups out here, it's a thing. (takes her cup and goes back inside) [Scene: inside Central Perk] Chandler: Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute? Monica: No, but he told me, he thinks your a fox. Chandler: All right, Janice, likes him. In fact she likes him so much she put him on her freebie list. Joey: Her what? Chandler: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can't get mad. Ross: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship. Honesty, respect, and s*x with celebrities. Monica: So, Chandler, who's on your list? Chandler: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit. Rachel: Now, you do realize that she's a cartoon, and way out of your league? Chandler: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head. Joey: Hey, Monica, who would yours be? Monica: First, I need a boyfriend, then I can have a list. Joey: It's just a game Mon. (makes a 'Can-you-believe-her' face to the rest of the gang.) Rach, how about you? Rachel: Oh, I don't know, I guess, Chris O'Donnel, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting, and Parker Stevenson. Ross: Spiderman? Rachel: Hardy Boy. Chandler: Peter Parker. Ross: Thank you. Rachel: What about you honey, who would be on your list? Ross: Well I-I-I, that kind of thing requires some serious thought. First, I'll divide my perspective canidates into catergories.... Chandler: (coughing) What a geek! Phoebe: (entering) Everbody this is Frank! This is my half-brother Frank. All: Oh, hi. Phoebe: This is everybody. This is Ross. Frank: How are you? Ross: Hey. Phoebe: Chandler. Chandler: Hi. Frank: Hi. Phoebe: Joey. Joey: Hey-hey! Frank: Hey. Phoebe: This is Monica. Frank: Whoa! Phoebe: And this is Rachel. Rachel: Hi! Frank: Whoa!! Phoebe: I'm gonna get coffee. Frank: Hey, how do you guys get anything done? Chandler: We don't, really. Rachel: Well, so, now, do you guys have a lot of big plans? Phoebe: Oh yeah! Yeah, no, we're gonna connect, y'know bond, and everything. Frank: Yeah, I was thinking that maybe we could go down to Time Square and pick up some ninja stars. And, oh, um, my friend Larry, he wants me to take a picture of a hooker. Chandler: You know, we don't really take advantage of living in the city. Joey: I know. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is drilling a hole in the wall and the drill comes out the other side really close to Chandler's head. Chandler then rushes out to talk to Joey.] Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get 'ya? Chandler: No, you didn't get me!! It's an electric drill, you get me, you kill me!! Joey: Calm down, do you want this unit or not? Chandler: I do NOT want this unit!! Joey: Well, you should've told me that before, I'm not a mind reader. Hey, we're out of beer. I'm going to Monica's. Chandler: Fine! (goes into his room and slams the door, then he slams the bottom half of the door.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering] Monica: Hey! Where 'ya headin' in those pants? 1982? Joey: Oh Monica, listen, I ah, I saw down at the hardware store, they got those designer tiles on sale. If you ever want to redo the bathroom floor. Monica: Why, what's wrong with my bathroom floor? Joey: Nothing. It's just old and dingy, that's all. Monica: I highly doubt that. (they both go to the bathroom) Joey: Oh yeah. If you ah, move your hamper, you see what color the tile used to be. (Monica gasps) Yeah. Monica: I can't live like this! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? Joey: Relax. Here hold this (hands her his beer). This old stuff just comes right off. (he bends down to try and lift some tile right in the middle of the floor, in his tight pants.) Monica: That's a little more than I wanted to see. Joey: (manages to pry off only a small piece) Aw! Look at that, every inch of this stuff is glued down. It'd take forever to pry this up. You should ah, you should just leave it. (starts to walk away, but Monica grabs him) Monica: I can't leave it! You gouged a hole in my dingy floor. (Joey places the toliet brush and holder over the hole, which is in the middle of the floor.) Joey: Eh! There you go. Monica: You know that's nice, y'know we could put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon! [Scene: Phoebe's, Frank and her, are sitting on the counh, watching TV] Phoebe: (sits up) Oh, ew! Frank: What? Phoebe: Yeah I know what I wanted to ask you. Um, can you roll your tongue? Because I can, and my Mom couldn't, and I thought y'know, I figured that was something I got from our Dad. Frank: What, wait, you mean like this? (does it) Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. You can do it to. (tries to do it, but can't) Frank: Your not doing it. Phoebe: Oh right, yeah okay, my Mom could, and I can't. We don't have that.... Frank: When's your birthday? Phoebe: Feburary 16th. Frank: I know a guy who's the 18th. Phoebe: Wow, that's close. When's yours? Frank: October 25th. Phoebe: That's the same month as Halloween. So, um, what kinda things do you like to do at home? Frank: Melt stuff. [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is working on his list] Ross: Okay, I've got three of my five. Rachel: Three of your five, what? Ross: Celebrities I'm allowed to sleep with. Rachel: Oh my God! You are giving this a lot of thought. Ross: Yeah, it's hard okay, I only have two spots left. Chandler: All right, so who do you got it narrowed down to? Ross: Okay, Elizabeth Hurely.... Chandler: Oooh-hoo, very attractive, forgiving. Ross: Susan Sarandon. Chandler: Eh, y'know what, she's to political, she probably wouldn't let you do it, unless you donated four cans of food first. Ross: And!! Isabella Rosselini. Chandler: Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, y'know she's too international, y'know she's never gonna be around. Rachel: So? Chandler: So, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who's gonna be in the country like all the time. Rachel: Yeah, 'cause that's why you won't get Isabella Rosselini, geography. [Scene: Phoebe's, Frank is melting a plastic spoon.] Phoebe: Okay so, by melting, you meant melting. Frank: Yeah. Phoebe: So is it like art? Frank: Yeah, you can melt art. Hey, can I use your phone? Phoebe: Um, yeah sure. Why you wanna call your Mom? Frank: No, I wanna melt it. Phoebe: Oh, well um, not right now. Y'know I'm just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving me a headache. Frank: (starts laughing) Yeah! Phoebe: G'night, bro. Frank: G'night. Phoebe: Here. (gives him a fire extinguisher) Y'know, just in case. Frank: Oh, excellent. (starts to melt the fire extinguisher's hose.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is eating breakfast with Monica while Frank is playing with num-chucks on the balcony] Monica: What kind of karate is that? Phoebe: No kind. He just makes it up. Monica: So how's it going with you guys? Phoebe: So far, it kinda blows. I don't know, I just thought y'know that he'd feel more like a brother y'know, like you and Ross, just like close and connected and.... Monica: Oh honey, we're close now but you-you wouldn't believe the years of-of nugies, and wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies, and....(Phoebe shakes her head like she doesn't understand) That's where the waistband actually goes over your head. Phoebe: Ah!! Monica: Oh, we used to drive each other crazy playing the shadow game. Phoebe: Oh, how do you play the shadow game? Monica: Oh, how do you play the shadow game? Phoebe: I just asked you. Monica: I just asked you. Phoebe: I don't have time for this. Monica: No, that is what the game is. Phoebe: Which you just gave up really quickly. Chandler: (entering) Have you seen Joey? Monica: What's the matter? Chandler: Oh, just this! (turns around and has a paint lid stuck to the back of his pants.) Y'know what it's my fault really, because the couch is usually where we keep the varnish. Joey: (yelling from bathroom) Hey, does somebody wanna hand me one of those tiles. Chandler: What's going on? Monica: He's retiling my floor. (they both run to the bathroom) Chandler: Yo!! Spackel boy! Get up! Monica: Ah-ah-ah, now you started this, you will finish it. Chandler: He started mine first! Phoebe: Build the unit Cinderelly, lay the tile Cinderelly. [Scene: Phoebe's, Phoebe and Frank are watching TV.] Frank: Whoa! Big octopus. Phoebe: Yeah. (phone rings and Phoebe answers it) 'Hello. (listens) Oh my God, I totally forgot! (listens) Well can't someone else do it. (listens) But, I have company. (listens) Yeah, no look, that's all right I'll come in.' (hangs up phone) Um, Frank, I'm really sorry but I have to go to work. It's-it's one of my regulars and he's insisting that I do 'um. Frank: Hey, what kind of work do you do? Phoebe: Oh! I'm a masseuse. I give people massages and stuff. Frank: You-you work at one of those massage parlors? Phoebe: Well, y'know we don't call it that, but yeah! Frank: (starts laughing) Wow! That's wild! No, I had no idea. Phoebe: All righty. I'll be back in-in a little bit. Unless you wanna come with me? Frank: You mean like watch? Phoebe: No, no, you can get one yourself. It'll be on the house! Y'know what are big sisters for? Frank: Well, I don't think this, y'know. Phoebe: No, no, no, I wouldn't do you myself, I mean that would be weird. Yeah, no, I'll get one of the other girls to do it. Oh, this will be so much fun! Hey! Are you excited? Frank: Yeah! Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's bathroom, Joey and Monica are admiring the new floor.] Monica: It's beautiful! It's like the first bathroom floor there ever was. (Chandler tries to go to the bathroom) Whoa! Are you going in there for? Chandler: What, like a number? Ross: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hi! Bye! (runs to the bathroom) Ross: Okay, I'm done with my choices, these are final. (holds up a little card) Rachel: Well, it's about time. Joey: Ooh, very official. Ross: Oh, yeah, well y'know Chandler printed it up on his computer. Monica: And who laminated it? Ross: That would be me. Rachel: All right let me see. (grabs the card) Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurely, Michelle Pfieffer, and Dorothy Hammel? Ross: Hey, it's my list. Rachel: Okay honey, you do realize she only spins like that on ice. [Scene: Healing Hands Inc. (Phoebe's work), Frank is being ushered in, by the arm, to the room Phoebe is in by another girl.] Frank: Ow!-Ow!-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Y'know, ow! Phoebe: Hey!-Hey! What's going on? Frank: She broke my arm. Girl: He touched my fanny. Frank: No, she touched mine first! Girl: That's my job! Frank: So wait, what's the deal here, I can have s*x with you, but I can't touch you? Phoebe and Girl: Ewww!!! Phoebe: You can't have s*x with her! Girl: What'd you think I was, a hooker? Frank: No, your a masseuse, it's cool, I'm not a cop. Phoebe: Okay, Jasmine, can you, can you ask Mr. Whiffler if he can wait for like five minutes. Jasmine: Fine. (starts to leave, and points at Frank) I don't like you!! (leaves) Phoebe: (turns around and hits Frank) So that's what you thought I did!! God! That's not what I do! Frank: Wait that's-that's, what that's not what you do? Phoebe: Nooo! Why would you think that? Frank: I don't know, I mean, y'know, this is the city y'know, I just, I mean, I don't know. Phoebe: Whatever, it's the perfect end to the perfect weekend anyways. Frank: Oh, wait, no your right, no it was perfect and I can't believe that I screwed it up so bad. Phoebe: You really thought it was perfect? Frank: Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn't perfect, but y'know it was pretty cool, y'know, 'cause we had all those great talks y'know. Phoebe: Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you? Frank: Well y'know about the tongue thing, y'know, and how I told you about my likes and my dislikes... Phoebe: I don't.... Frank: How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn't melt. Phoebe: Right, okay, um-mm. Frank: Yeah, y'know I feel like I can really talk to you 'cause y'know you're my sister, y'know. Phoebe: Yeah, I guess I do, yeah. Frank: Then I go feel your friend up and make you mad at me. Phoebe: Well, I-I wasn't hopping mad, y'know. Frank: You hopped a little bit. Yeah, I really sorry. Phoebe: Okay. All right, this is my favourite part of the weekend, right now, this. Frank: This? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Frank: Oh come on we went, we went to Time Square, we found ninja stars, I almost got arm broken by a hooker... Phoebe: She wasn't a hooker. Frank: Well, when I tell my friends about her she will be. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, everyone is there, helping to lift the entertainment center into place] Chandler: Okay, on three. One....Two.... Joey: Why don't we just go on two. Chandler: Why two? Joey: Because it's faster. Chandler: Yeah, I coulda counted to three like four times without all this 'two' talk. Rachel: Oh! Joey: All right, but in the future... Ross: Okay!! Okay!! Rachel: Come on! Ross: Heavy thing, not getting lighter! Chandler: Okay, one...two... Joey: So we are going on two? All: All right!! (they lift it into place, however there is one small problem, the unit is so long that it blocks some of both of their bedroom doors.) Chandler: Oh, good job Joe. Joey: Wow, it's big! Chandler: Yeah-yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller! Joey: Maybe, my ruler's wrong. Phoebe: Maybe all the rulers are wrong. Joey: Look it's not that bad. So what, it blocks a little of your door, a little of my door. Chandler: Yeah, y'know what I got a better idea. How-how 'bout it blocks none of mine door and a lot of yours? (throws his shoulder into the center to try and move it, but it doesn't move.) Joey: Yeah, listen, before I forget that side is still wet. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving some guy coffee.] Rachel: Okay sir, um-mm, let see if I got this right. Ah, so this is a half-caf, double tall, easy hazel nut, non-fat, no foam, with whip, extra hot latte, right? (the guy nods) Okay, great. (she starts to walk away and under her breath) You freak. (Isabella Rosselini enters) Ross: (to Gunther) Thank you. Isabella: (to Gunther) Um, coffee to go, please. (Ross recognises her and goes over to the couch, mouthing 'Oh my God' Ross: Isabella Rosselini. (points to her) Monica: Are you serious? (they all look) Oh my God. Ross: Damn! I can't believe I took her off my list. Monica: Why? 'Cause otherwise you'd go for it? Ross: Yeah, maybe. Rachel: Oh-oh, you lie. Ross: What you don't think I'd go up to her? Rachel: Ross, it took you ten years to finally admit you liked me. Ross: Yeah, well missy, you better be glad that list is laminated. Rachel: You know what honey, you go ahead, we'll call her an alternate. Ross: Okay, hold my crawler. Rachel: Okay. Monica: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this? Rachel: Honey, he's about to go hit on Isabella Rosselini. I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn. Ross: (to Isabella) Hi! Hi, I'm Ross, you don't know me, but I'm a big, big fan of yours. I mean, Blue Velvet, woo-oo hoo! Um, I was wondering if I could um, maybe buy you a cup of coffee? (Gunther hands her change) Or maybe reimburse you for that one? Isabella: Aren't you with that girl over there? (points at Rachel, who waves back) Ross: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but that's okay, see we have an understanding, um, see we each have this list of five famous people, (gets his out) so I'm allowed to sleep with you. No, no, no, it's flattery. Isabella: I'm sorry. (starts to leave) Ross: Oh no, no, no, wait, wait, Isabella. Don't, don't just dismiss this so fast. I mean this is a once in a lifetime opportunity... Isabella: Yeah, for you. Is that the list? Ross: Um, yeah. Isabella: May I see it? Ross: Um, no. Isabella: Come on! (grabs the list) Ross: But, okay. Isabella: (reading it) I'm not on the list! Ross: Um, see, but that's not the final draft. Isabella: It's laminated! Ross: Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on the list but my friend, Chandler (Chandler waves) brought up the very good point that you are international, so I bumped you for Wynona Rider, local. Isabella: Y'know it's ironic... Ross: What? Isabella: ...because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys and yesterday I bumped you for that guy over there. (points at a guy and leaves) Ross: (to the rest of the gang) We're just gonna be friends. Closing Credits [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they are admiring the entertainment center] Joey: Y'know what? Chandler: Umm? Joey: I bet 'ya ya I could fit in there. (points to a hole in the center) Chandler: I've got five bucks says you can't. Joey: Get out your checkbook, mister. Chandler: Oh, I think I have the cash. (Joey successfully enters the entertainment center, and Chandler closes the door on Joey.) Joey: You are dogged man! I totally fit! Chandler: Yeah, you got me. (picks up a 2x4 and puts it through the handles so that the doors won't open) I'm out five big ones! (puts the money in the crack between the door and frame) Here you go. Joey: Thank you. Cha-ching! (Chandler starts to leave) Oh, well hello Mr. Lincoln. Better luck next time buddy. (Chandler leaves and closes the door) And the drinks are on me!

Phoebe's half-brother, Frank, Jr. visits but his quirky behavior makes bonding difficult. Joey builds an entertainment unit that is too big for the apartment and annoys Chandler. Ross is challenged to name the five celebrities he would most like to sleep with. When Isabella Rossellini comes into the coffee shop, Ross tries flirting with her by claiming she is on his list, even though she is not. After Joey bets Chandler that he can fit inside the entertainment unit, Chandler locks him in. Guest star Isabella Rossellini .

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_07x05

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_07x05_0

DOCTOR WHO AND THE SILURIANS BY: MALCOLM HULKE 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1. INT. CAVES (Two men wearing potholing gear are exploring a large subterranean cave. DAVIS holds a thin wire ladder steady whilst SPENCER climbs down.) SPENCER: Well this is fantastic! (They look about examining their surroundings, when there is a faint, far-off noise sounding like an animal roaring.) SPENCER: What was that? DAVIS: Nothing. (However DAVIS isn't quite sure of his own conclusion, and starts moving through the cave.) DAVIS: Wait. (DAVIS moves in the direction of the noise. After some time he finds a somewhat concealed opening to a larger space. Again the noise is heard much closer, and since SPENCER has followed directly in his footsteps, DAVIS beckons him to stay back. He then moves through the narrow opening which seems to be the source of the sound. He looks around, momentarily disoriented by the change in scale of the cave. Then there is a huge roar, and DAVIS wheels round, looking upwards at something indescribably terrifying.) DAVIS: Spencer! Spencer! (Accompanied by the same loud roar, a giant claw rakes across DAVIS and he falls backwards onto the floor of the cave. SPENCER rushes through the opening to reach DAVIS, who is clearly unconscious or dead. SPENCER looks up at something towering above him, and jumps back in sheer terror.) SPENCER: Ah! Ah! Ah! (SPENCER retreats from the opening and stumbles back through the cave, completely dazed.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. INT. DOCTOR'S WORKSHOP, UNIT H.Q. DAY (The DOCTOR lies on the floor underneath an old, but well-looked-after, shiny yellow car, the engine of which he is busily working on. He is cheerfully humming and singing Lewis Carroll's poem Jabberwocky to himself, totally absorbed in his activity.) DOCTOR: (Singing.) "'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves / Did gyre and gimble in the wabe..." LIZ: (Off-stage.) Doctor! (A number plate marked WHO 1 lies at the DOCTOR's feet.) DOCTOR: Come on Bessie, be more co-operative. (Singing.) "All mimsy were the borogroves, And the mome raths..." LIZ: (Entering holding a note.) Doctor! DOCTOR: Oh? (As the DOCTOR slides out from underneath Bessie we see he is lying on a low cart and wearing a grey mechanics' coat rather than his usual frock coat.) DOCTOR: Oh hello Liz! LIZ: You'll never get that thing running. DOCTOR: (Sitting up.) Oh don't you be so disrespectful. I'll have you know this is a car of great character. (He rises, and as he does, a small circular loop falls from his shoulder into his hands.) DOCTOR: I was very lucky to get her. LIZ: Are you really going to drive about in it? DOCTOR: Yes, certainly. I've nearly finished my modifications. I thought we'd take her out for a trial run, in a minute. (He examines the loop.) DOCTOR: Now I wonder what that's for. Oh well. (Not knowing what he intended to do with the loop, he throws it aside. He potters across to his work bench, followed by LIZ.) LIZ: Urgent message from the Brigadier. DOCTOR: Oh he's away, isn't he? Investigating some scientists. LIZ: Yes, well he wants us to join him. (Reading the BRIGADIER's note.) "Miss Shaw and the Doctor will report themselves forthwith to Wenley Moor, attend a briefing meeting at precisely..." DOCTOR: (Interrupting.) My dear Miss Shaw, I never report myself anywhere. Particularly not forthwith. LIZ: Oh, it's just his way of putting things. (Taking a wrench he gets back on his cart and slides himself back underneath Bessie.) DOCTOR: I'm sorry Liz, I won't go. I'm far too busy. LIZ: Come on Doctor. DOCTOR: "'Twee..." (He starts singing too low, and has to jump into a higher key.) DOCTOR: "'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves..." (LIZ is obliged to get down on hands and knees beside the car in an effort to engage the DOCTOR's attention.) LIZ: It would make a nitce... a nice trip for us. We could visit the caves. DOCTOR: (Suddenly alert.) Caves? What caves? LIZ: Well, that part of the country's famous for them. DOCTOR: Oh. LIZ: Mmm. DOCTOR: Is it? LIZ: It is. DOCTOR: Oh, alright then. (The DOCTOR once again slides out from underneath the car.) DOCTOR: I'll drive you up there in Bessie. (LIZ stares blankly at the DOCTOR, until he points in the direction of the car.) LIZ: Bessie? DOCTOR: Yes, Bessie. LIZ: I see. DOCTOR: Ah, ha ha! (The DOCTOR kisses his hand and touches it to the bonnet, whereupon the engine springs to life and begins sputtering away. He retrieves his frock coat from the peg on the wall and prepares to change from his mechanics' coat.) DOCTOR: (Handing the frock-coat to LIZ.) Alright my dear, hold that please... [SCENE_BREAK] 3. EXT. LONDON STREET; RESEARCH CENTRE; COUNTRY ROAD. DAY (Threading it's way through the streets of London can be seen a "bright yellow banger" driven by the DOCTOR, with LIZ in the passenger seat. The shot pulls back as Bessie approaches. A cut to a series of concealed country buildings, revealed only by the large antennas standing above the ground. Finally, the DOCTOR and LIZ reach the country, with the DOCTOR rounding the corner of an unsealed road at dangerous speed; LIZ must hang on to her seat for safety.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. INT. WENLEY MOOR RESEARCH CENTRE, CONFERENCE ROOM (Doctor Charles LAWRENCE is giving a briefing to his staff who are seated in rows in front of him, whilst BRIGADIER Alastair Lethbridge-Stewart is sitting to one side, listening to him droning on.) LAWRENCE: I trust that point is clear. And I would emphasise again - that despite the presence of our friends from UNIT... (LAWRENCE leans slightly in the direction of the BRIGADIER, who returns an alert look at LAWRENCE.) LAWRENCE: ...to whom we shall give every possible co-operation - this problem is, I am sure, a scientific one. (A UNIT soldier enters from the double doors at the left, goes up to the BRIGADIER and whispers a message in his ear, who nods and then stands and leaves with him.) LAWRENCE: It is our duty as scientists to deal with it ourselves. Only by exercising redoubled vigilance in all our duties can we track down the errors that are holding back the work of this research centre. [SCENE_BREAK] 5. INT. CORRIDOR (As the BRIGADIER and the UNIT soldier leave the conference room we can hear the dying strains of Doctor LAWRENCE's lecture.) LAWRENCE: (OOV.) The work of this research centre is vital... (The BRIGADIER heads for the lift.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. INT. RECEPTION FOYER (The BRIGADIER walks past the reception desk followed by the UNIT soldier, and finds the DOCTOR and LIZ standing in front of the doors of the lift, with their passes being inspected by a black-capped security officer.) BRIGADIER: Ah, there you are at last. DOCTOR: There you are at last. BRIGADIER: (Turns to the UNIT soldier and dismisses him.) Right. (The security officer meanwhile finishes with the DOCTOR and LIZ, hands LIZ's pass back to her, and leaves also.) DOCTOR: And just where are we? BRIGADIER: In a cave. LIZ: We can see that. BRIGADIER: Or rather in an atomic research centre which has been built into these caves. DOCTOR: Why? More security? BRIGADIER: (Smiling to himself.) Exactly. DOCTOR: Look, may I ask you, why am I here? BRIGADIER: Come this way - the meeting's waiting. (The BRIGADIER turns in the direction of the conference room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM (Dr LAWRENCE is still haranguing his staff.) LAWRENCE: We are already very considerably behind in our research program, and I am deter... (The entry of the BRIGADIER, the frock-coated DOCTOR, and the mini-skirted LIZ completely distracts LAWRENCE's train of thought for a moment. He regains his composure and continues:) LAWRENCE: And I am determined we will recover our lost ground, and go on to make the new and important discoveries that lie ahead. Alright, that will be all. (The meeting breaks up. Dr LAWRENCE's senior staff, consisting of Dr John QUINN, and Major BAKER, gather in the middle of the conference room as the remainder of the staff file out through the double doors. QUINN accidentally bumps into Miss DAWSON as she goes to leave.) QUINN: Oh, I'm sorry. BRIGADIER: (Performing introductions.) Gentlemen, my colleagues, Miss Elizabeth Shaw, and the Doctor. Doctor Lawrence, director of this establishment. LAWRENCE: How do you do. BRIGADIER: Doctor Quinn, his number two. QUINN: (Exchanging a handshake with the DOCTOR.) Hello. BRIGADIER: Major Baker, station security officer. Doctor Lawrence, perhaps you would be kind enough to put my colleagues in the picture. (QUINN, BAKER and LIZ sit in the front row of seats whilst the BRIGADIER takes his seat in the corner. The DOCTOR remains standing. Dr LAWRENCE leans back on his desk to begin his briefing.) LAWRENCE: This establishment consists basically of a device for research into the nature of the atom - cyclotron - otherwise known as a proton accelerator. It, ah... (The DOCTOR turns his back on LAWRENCE and starts wandering down the conference room to look at the documents and illustrations on the wall, clearly to the annoyance of LAWRENCE.) LAWRENCE: It bombards atoms with subatomic particles. DOCTOR: (Without turning back to face LAWRENCE.) Why? LAWRENCE: We are on the verge of discovering a way to provide cheap, safe, atomic energy for virtually every kind of use. QUINN: (Turning around to LIZ and the DOCTOR.) We're developing a new kind of nuclear reactor, one which converts nuclear energy directly to electrical power. DOCTOR: (Leans on a desk and turns back to face the group.) Well that's all very well. But what is going wrong? BRIGADIER: (Leaning forward.) Two things. First, an abnormally high rate of personnel trouble. Nervous breakdowns. Absenteeism. Accidents. But the really serious problem, is the power losses. LAWRENCE: There have been a certain number of unexplained leakages in the power supplied by the nuclear generator. I am confident we shall find an explanation. BRIGADIER: You haven't found one yet, Doctor Lawrence, that's why I'm here. QUINN: Well it's a highly complex piece of machinery, naturally there are problems. DOCTOR: Naturally. BRIGADIER: (Standing.) Now there are three possible approaches to this problem. Security. BAKER: Everything has been double-checked. BRIGADIER: Then you will triple-check it, Major Baker, under my supervision, thank you. BAKER: Sir. BRIGADIER: Personnel, this will be dealt with by Miss Shaw. LIZ: (Bemused.) Oh yes? BRIGADIER: (Returning LIZ's smile.) Yes. Finally the purely scientific angle, now the Doctor here... (He sees the DOCTOR is not paying attention.) BRIGADIER: What is it Doctor? DOCTOR: (Searching his pockets.) It's the most extraordinary thing. I can't seem to find my sonic screwdriver anywhere. (QUINN chuckles to himself, whilst the humourless LAWRENCE can only imagine the worst.) LAWRENCE: (Incredulous.) You're not proposing to dismantle a piece of equipment worth fifteen million pounds with a screwdriver? DOCTOR: Well it's not worth fifteen million pins if it doesn't work, is it? BRIGADIER: Oh Doctor, I suggest you start by just looking round. QUINN: Yes, let me take you both over the installation. (QUINN stands and opens the door for LIZ and the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Splendid, come on Liz. Doctor Quinn, which way do we go? QUINN: To the left. DOCTOR: To the left. (LIZ, the DOCTOR, and QUINN file out to the left.) LAWRENCE: Brigadier, I shall expect to hear from you as soon as you have anything to report. You'll see that our work is disrupted as little as possible. BRIGADIER: Of course sir. I'll use this room as my HQ if I may. LAWRENCE: Very well. (LAWRENCE gives BAKER a dismissive glance as he stalks to the door. He turns back to the BRIGADIER.) LAWRENCE: And eh... I should be grateful if you could hurry things up, Brigadier. I want this place working normally again. BRIGADIER: We all do sir. (LAWRENCE leaves to the right. After he has gone, BAKER crosses to the door, melodramatically opens it to check that no one is listening outside the door, and rejoins the BRIGADIER.) BAKER: I must say sir, that I fail to see the necessity for the involvement of UNIT. BRIGADIER: How long have these disturbances been going on? BAKER: Three months. BRIGADIER: Then there's your answer. BAKER: Sir? BRIGADIER: Something's been happening here which is outside the normal security pattern, and that is precisely the business of UNIT. (He turns to leave.) BAKER: Sir. I think I have the solution. BRIGADIER: Have you? (The BRIGADIER stops by the door and BAKER steps up close to him.) BAKER: Someone has been carrying out a planned, deliberate program of sabotage... from the inside. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. INT. CYCLOTRON ROOM (The cyclotron room is a large square room divided into a large lower floor and a smaller, raised upper control room separated by a glass partition. In the centre of the lower area of the room, embedded in the wall, is the huge drum of the cyclotron, which glows with a bright red light, fluctuating slowly; in the very centre there is a spherical, mirror-like surface emanating a rather golden light.) DAWSON: Electron voltage readings... (As the DOCTOR and LIZ follow QUINN through the outer door of the cyclotron room he asks a technician to hold the door:) QUINN: Can you manage? (The DOCTOR and LIZ stand beside Miss DAWSON at the control desk whilst QUINN indicates the cyclotron behind him.) DAWSON: Right. Initiate circuit check. QUINN: Now this is the very heart of the cyclotron. Literally so in fact, we're actually inside the machine itself. DOCTOR: You have your own nuclear reactor, do you? QUINN: Oh yes. Oh yes. The cyclotron uses power in enormous quantities. (QUINN pulls open the inner glass door.) QUINN: Would you care to ah, step down? (As they step down from the control chamber to the main floor of the cyclotron room QUINN and Miss DAWSON quickly exchange a glance.) DOCTOR: What happens when one of these power losses occurs at a particularly crucial time? QUINN: So far, we've always managed to stabilise. LIZ: If you didn't? QUINN: Well, theoretically... DOCTOR: Your nuclear reactor could turn into a massive atomic bomb. LIZ: You ought to shut down the place at once. QUINN: That would be a decision for the Director. DOCTOR: A decision he might be reluctant to make, hmm? QUINN: Doctor Lawrence has the research program very much at heart. (Suddenly feeling ill, LIZ holds her hand to her head.) LIZ: I think I'd better make a start on... on the personnel files. I wonder if someone could show me where to go. QUINN: Oh yes, of course. (He turns to one of the technicians.) QUINN: Mister Roberts, take this young lady across to Doctor Meredith in the medical wing. (The DOCTOR notices LIZ's sudden turn for the worse.) DOCTOR: Liz, are you all right? LIZ: Yes... I'm fine. (ROBERTS, a bearded young man in a white lab coat, leads the way out of the main cyclotron room.) ROBERTS: Come this way, please. DOCTOR: I'll join you later, Liz. LIZ: Bye. (ROBERTS and LIZ go out.) QUINN: You don't mind if I ah, carry on? DOCTOR: No, no, please do. (QUINN takes ROBERTS' place, puts on his glasses and pores over the secondary power controls. After a moment the DOCTOR picks up the conversation again:) DOCTOR: Quite an achievement, building this centre in these caves. QUINN: Yes, there are miles of them still in their natural state. Breathtaking. Ever been potholing? DOCTOR: No, not for a very long time. QUINN: No, well I'm very keen on it. At least I was, until... DOCTOR: Until what? QUINN: A couple of our junior technicians went exploring on their day off. There was an accident, one of them was killed. The other is still in the sick bay. DOCTOR: You have your own doctor? QUINN: No, Doctor Meredith comes in from the local hospital. DOCTOR: This technician. Was he badly hurt? QUINN: (Nervously.) Well now I'm not sure, they seem to be hushing it up, ha, ha. DOCTOR: I wonder why. QUINN: I beg your pardon? DOCTOR: I said I wonder why. QUINN: (Cheerfully dismissive.) Oh well. DOCTOR: Now Doctor Quinn, these power losses. Do they take any particular pattern? QUINN: As far as we can see, completely random. DOCTOR: I see. Well I wonder whether I could possibly check. A fresh eye, you know. QUINN: Oh yes, of course. Here's the log. (The desk intercom phone rings.) QUINN: (To the DOCTOR.) Excuse me. (Picking up the phone.) Quinn here. No, no, no, two-three-six today, now get that right. Two-three-six. Yes indeed. DOCTOR: Doctor Quinn? QUINN: (Into the phone.) Excuse me. (To the DOCTOR.) Yes? DOCTOR: This log seems to be incomplete. QUINN: (Finishing the phone call.) Look, I'll ring you back. (Puts the handpiece down.) That log should be kept every day. (QUINN picks up the microphone to communicate with the upper cyclotron control room.) QUINN: Miss Dawson? DAWSON: Yes, Doctor Quinn? QUINN: Come down here a moment will you? (He puts the microphone down whilst Miss DAWSON comes down.) QUINN: What an extraordinary thing. DOCTOR: Hmm. QUINN: (As Miss DAWSON enters.) Miss Dawson, there's a query here, perhaps you can help. Do you know who usually keeps this log? DAWSON: Oh, it used to be Spencer. QUINN: Ah, well that explains it. Spencer's the chap who got hurt in the caves. (The DOCTOR shakes his head.) DOCTOR: No, Doctor Quinn. I don't think it does explain it. (He hands the log back to QUINN.) DOCTOR: Look. QUINN: At what? DOCTOR: There at the bottom of the page, by the string, the binding? You'll see a tiny shred of paper. Some of those pages have been torn out. (The speechless Doctor QUINN and Miss DAWSON look uncomfortably at the DOCTOR.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. INT. RECORDS OFFICE (Doctor MEREDITH, the medical doctor for the centre, stands in front of a planning chart whilst LIZ inspects the records kept in a series of filing cabinets against the opposite wall.) MEREDITH: I might be able to help you, if you could only tell me what you were looking for. LIZ: I don't know myself yet, Doctor Meredith. MEREDITH: We've had a lot of trouble of course. Mild neuroses, imaginative ailments, one nervous breakdown. LIZ: Yes, so I see. MEREDITH: But of course these things are quite unavoidable. LIZ: This isn't the only atomic research establishment in the country, you know. MEREDITH: The others haven't quite the same problem. Working continuously underground you hardly know n... day from night down here. (As he had promised, the DOCTOR arrives to check up with LIZ.) DOCTOR: Ah Liz, any luck with those records? MEREDITH: I take it you're yet another member of the UNIT team? DOCTOR: Yes. Depressing, isn't it! LIZ: This is Doctor Meredith. DOCTOR: Oh splendid, just the chap I wanted to see. Now look, this ah, this patient of yours, Spencer, the one who was injured in the caves, may I see him? MEREDITH: I'm sorry, that's quite out of the question. DOCTOR: Oh really? Why's that? MEREDITH: Because I won't allow it, that's why. I'm about to have him moved into hospital. Besides, you have no authority. DOCTOR: Doctor Meredith. As an associate of UNIT, I think you will find that I have the authority to do precisely as I please. May I now see your patient? MEREDITH: Oh, it seems I have no choice. Alright, but I warn you, it is at your own risk. DOCTOR: Thank you. (The DOCTOR holds the door open and smiles in victory at the sighing MEREDITH and LIZ as they exit the office.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. INT. SICK BAY (MEREDITH, LIZ, and the DOCTOR enter into the confined sick bay ward to see SPENCER, who is discovered to be drawing a series of animal figures onto the wall beside his bed. A technician standing guard leaves the room.) DOCTOR: How long has he been behaving like this? MEREDITH: Since he came out of his coma, with occasional spells of trying to throttle me. DOCTOR: Astonishing, it's quite astonishing. MEREDITH: It's the only thing that keeps him quiet. DOCTOR: Was he much of an artist before the accident? MEREDITH: Not that I know of. DOCTOR: Excuse me. (The DOCTOR moves past LIZ to get around to the side of the bed where SPENCER is crouched. He now sees the full extent of the drawings.) DOCTOR: It's absolutely amazing. LIZ: Careful Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes, alright. (The DOCTOR comes up and leans down behind the oblivious SPENCER.) DOCTOR: What's this one, old chap? (The DOCTOR taps SPENCER on the back and points to the shape of a biped. SPENCER reacts in fear and turns, screaming wildly at the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: It's alright, old chap, it's alright. (SPENCER after a moment attacks the DOCTOR and tries to throttle him. The DOCTOR evades backwards onto the bed, and SPENCER leaps on top of him. MEREDITH and LIZ reach out to help.) DOCTOR: (To MEREDITH.) Keep away Doctor, get out, leave this to me. (The DOCTOR removes SPENCER's hands from his throat and gradually talks SPENCER back down into a calm state:) DOCTOR: It's alright, old chap. Now calm down. Settle down now. Calm down. That's it. Steady down now. That's it. Calm down. Nobody's going to hurt you. (SPENCER returns to his wall and his sketching.) MEREDITH: Are you alright? I did warn you. DOCTOR: Yes, I'm alright. He's just frightened, that's all. LIZ: So was I. What's made him like this? DOCTOR: Some kind of fear. It's absolutely incredible. It's thrown his mind back millions of years! [SCENE_BREAK] 11. INT. CYCLOTRON ROOM (In the upper control room of the cyclotron, Dr QUINN, Miss DAWSON, and ROBERTS make final checks for the planned cyclotron run.) QUINN: Twenty-four thirty-five. ROBERTS: Check. QUINN: Twenty-eight over two. ROBERTS: Check. QUINN: Forty-seven... hello, something wrong there isn't it. Ah no wonder, the T one-four's not working. Have you tested it today? DAWSON: Doctor Quinn, the secondary readings. (She hands QUINN a clipboard.) QUINN: Roberts, would you mind testing the T one-four? ROBERTS: Yes. (Under the watchful gaze of a UNIT corporal, Miss DAWSON goes up to QUINN.) DAWSON: I'm frightened. What's going to happen? QUINN: You mustn't panic. Just behave... normally. DAWSON: This UNIT investigation, they're bound to discover something. QUINN: I know, it's a risk. (QUINN stands and moves forward to the glass partition.) ROBERTS: (Distantly from the main cyclotron room.) Twenty-four, power normal. QUINN: Good. (Miss DAWSON joins him at the glass.) DAWSON: John, you've got to tell them to stop. At least while these people are here. QUINN: Do you think I haven't? Either they don't listen, or they don't understand. DAWSON: (Intensely.) They've got to stop! QUINN: Shh! ROBERTS: (Using the downstairs comms microphone.) T one-four, S K. QUINN: (Picks up the microphone to reply.) Thank you, Roberts. DAWSON: Tell the Brigadier, or Baker - they'll help. (QUINN doesn't answer and is about to move back around the desk when Miss DAWSON grabs hold of him.) DAWSON: Before someone else gets killed. QUINN: They wouldn't believe me, and anyway there's far too much at stake. Now take your hand off. (Miss DAWSON lets QUINN go, and he goes back around to his place at the upper control desk.) DAWSON: It's not worth the risk. QUINN: (Looking up at DAWSON from his chair.) The knowledge I shall gain is worth any risk. [SCENE_BREAK] 12. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM (Major BAKER stands staring at the BRIGADIER leafing through a file, which he closes. The phone rings, and the BRIGADIER hands the file back to Major BAKER.) BRIGADIER: It's very comprehensive, Major Baker. BAKER: Not quite, sir, there's you and your team. BRIGADIER: (Smiling.) No doubt you'll see to that. BAKER: Yes sir. I checked on your security clearance as soon as you arrived, Miss Shaw's clearance has just come through. BRIGADIER: Very thorough. BAKER: This man you call the Doctor, sir, there is nothing on file at central intelligence records about him. BRIGADIER: No, there wouldn't be. BAKER: Well then may I ask sir... BRIGADIER: No, Major Baker, you may not. The Doctor is my personal responsibility. (At this moment the DOCTOR strides in, when BAKER clearly doesn't want him there. The DOCTOR exchanges glances with the UNIT corporal by the door and the BRIGADIER.) DOCTOR: Oh yes, very homely. (There is an uncomfortable silence which even the DOCTOR can detect. In the end he turns away and waits for BAKER to finish.) BRIGADIER: Right, thank you Major Baker, we'll have another go at those files later. BAKER: Sir. (BAKER stuffs his files into his briefcase.) BAKER: I shall be in my office, sir. (He picks up his briefcase and walks out. The DOCTOR holds open the door for BAKER, who glares back at him as he leaves. The DOCTOR watches him disappear up the corridor through the glass windows set into the doors.) DOCTOR: Where exactly is his office? BRIGADIER: Down the other end of the corridor. DOCTOR: He's very conscientious, isn't he? BRIGADIER: Well he slipped up badly once some years ago, he's been trying to make up for it ever since. You'd better look out Doctor, he wants to run a security check on you. DOCTOR: I wish him joy of it. BRIGADIER: I don't suppose you've found anything? DOCTOR: On the contrary. I've found enough to make me very, very worried. [SCENE_BREAK] 13. INT. CYCLOTRON ROOM (With the latest test about to get underway, Doctor QUINN is seated in the upper control room. As he gives instructions into the comms microphone, Doctor LAWRENCE quietly enters from the outer door.) QUINN: Stand by, stand by. LAWRENCE: Everything normal, Doctor Quinn? QUINN: Everything is perfectly normal, thank you Director, we've just completed final checks. LAWRENCE: Oh good. (LAWRENCE is about to leave again, when QUINN pulls a clipboard from a nearby desk.) QUINN: Hey, I'd like to include some of these supplementary tests. LAWRENCE: And have our schedule fall even further behind? With UNIT looking over our shoulder? No, I don't think so. (Dr LAWRENCE leaves without any further debate. Dr QUINN picks up the comms microphone and continues from where he left off.) QUINN: Stand by. Prepare to initiate program two-three-six. (In the lower half of the cyclotron room Miss DAWSON is seated at the secondary bank of instruments in the middle of the room. The technician ROBERTS is standing directly in front of the cyclotron, which is glowing dully.) DAWSON: Two-three-six. Check. QUINN: (Out of view.) Proton acceleration, phase three. DAWSON: Phase three. Check. (In the background ROBERTS seems to be wandering around without knowing where he is. Behind him the central sphere of the cyclotron begins oscillating quicker.) QUINN: Roberts, electron voltage reading please. (ROBERTS has drifted into a world of his own, somehow mesmerised by the cyclotron. He wanders over to stand in front of Miss DAWSON's desk. After ROBERTS fails to respond for some time, Miss DAWSON shrilly asks:) DAWSON: Roberts! Electron voltage readings! (ROBERTS suddenly snaps out of his reverie and looks up at QUINN and DAWSON.) ROBERTS: Sorry sir. (He rushes to his post and picks up the microphone.) ROBERTS: Electron voltage reading, two thousand million, power rising. QUINN: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] 14. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM (The BRIGADIER is skeptically and amusedly listening to the DOCTOR's evidence, which is only serving to irritate him.) BRIGADIER: Cave drawings on the walls? My dear Doctor, if that's what you call evidence!... DOCTOR: Of course it's evidence. (He agitatedly taps a pencil on the BRIGADIER's desk twice.) BRIGADIER: Look. This poor devil sees his friend killed in an accident, he wanders around those caves for hours before they get him out, well quite naturally he has some kind of breakdown. DOCTOR: Which turns him into a brilliant Paleolithic cave artist? (The BRIGADIER doesn't rise to the bait - he has no explanation.) DOCTOR: Well what about the logs then? Those torn out pages? BRIGADIER: Now there you may have something. Could be sabotage, I suppose... DOCTOR: Ah! (The DOCTOR shows the BRIGADIER the pointy end of his pencil.) BRIGADIER: ...or someone trying to cover up simple incompetence. (The DOCTOR slams the pencil down in vexation and it clatters on the ground.) DOCTOR: Lethbridge-Stewart, what on earth is the point of my trying to discover things for you if you keep turning them down all the time! BRIGADIER: Then I suggest you discover something I can't dismiss. DOCTOR: You're not exactly a little Sherlock Holmes yourself, are you? (The BRIGADIER is so taken aback by the DOCTOR's spite that he raises his eyebrows. At that moment, the whir of the air conditioning dies away and the lights fade down.) DOCTOR: What the devil's that? BRIGADIER: It's another power failure. (The BRIGADIER returns the DOCTOR's jibe.) BRIGADIER: Come on, Doctor Watson! (They leap to their feet and head for the cyclotron room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. INT. CYCLOTRON ROOM (A full emergency is in progress in the cyclotron room, with the lights in the room fluctuating wildly. An alarm klaxon is sounding on some of the instruments. ROBERTS and another technician are standing watching the electron voltage readings.) ROBERTS: Power very erratic sir. It keeps dropping off, and then suddenly there's a boost. (The full staff of the research centre race through the doors to their posts, followed last of all by Doctor LAWRENCE, who heads straight to Doctor QUINN's desk in the upper control room. QUINN appears to be assured and in command of the situation.) LAWRENCE: Get that reaction back under control, Doctor Quinn. Shall I take over? QUINN: (Coolly.) That won't be necessary, thank you. (QUINN picks up the comms microphone and starts the shutdown process.) QUINN: Stand by. We are going to close down in carefully measured stages. There is no need for panic, just follow normal routine. (DAWSON is still at the secondary control desk in the lower half of the room, watching the cyclotron.) DAWSON: Proton acceleration very irregular. (The cyclotron is wildly flashing with energy.) QUINN: Close down sector one. (There is a hum of electrical equipment as the section is closed down, and the DOCTOR and the BRIGADIER arrive in the cyclotron room.) QUINN: Electron voltage readings please. DAWSON: Six thousand million, still rising. 1st TECHNICIAN: (Out of view.) Sector one closed down sir. (The BRIGADIER leans over QUINN and interrupts, but QUINN carries on regardless.) BRIGADIER: What's going on? QUINN: Close down sector two. (There is another loud hum of electrical equipment as the next section is closed down, and the DOCTOR pulls the BRIGADIER aside to answer his question.) DOCTOR: They're trying to close down the cyclotron without the nuclear reactions getting out of control. 2nd TECHNICIAN: (Out of view.) Sector two closed down sir. BRIGADIER: I see. Anything we can do? DOCTOR: Yes - keep out of the way, I should think. (The DOCTOR and the BRIGADIER descend to the lower floor of the cyclotron room.) QUINN: (Out of view.) Close down sector three. DAWSON: Power still fluctuating. QUINN: Roberts, close down sector three. ROBERTS: No, it's no good, I can't! (ROBERTS is again in the grip of some influence and stands away from his post, looking upwards at the instruments.) DAWSON: The power is back on full. Proton acceleration seven thousand million, still rising... (Miss DAWSON gets up from the control desk to see what's holding back ROBERTS.) DAWSON: Roberts! Roberts! ROBERTS! (Miss DAWSON runs forward to shut down the sector three control bank herself. As she runs past ROBERTS he lunges out at her and begins to attack her. She screams and falls over. The DOCTOR and the BRIGADIER jump to Miss DAWSON's aid and pull off ROBERTS; the BRIGADIER knocks ROBERTS out with a chopping blow to the back of the neck.) QUINN: Shut down sector three, someone take over, shut down sector three. (The DOCTOR steps up and operates the controls. There is a reassuring hum as the equipment is closed down.) DOCTOR: Sector three shut down. QUINN: (Out of view.) Thank you, Doctor. Close down sector four. [SCENE_BREAK] 16. INT. RECORDS OFFICE (The emergency over, LIZ leads the DOCTOR into the records office.) DOCTOR: Now what about those records Liz. LIZ: Well there's a terrifically high rate of minor neuroses - two hundred percent above the normal, even for a place like this. DOCTOR: Any pattern. LIZ: Everyone who was affected worked at one time or another in the cyclotron room. Even I felt odd while I was there. DOCTOR: Really? In what way? LIZ: Feeling of oppression, almost terror. (The DOCTOR sits down at the side desk below the wall chart.) DOCTOR: You know, it's obviously something that only affects some humans. Otherwise they'd all crack up. LIZ: So you too think it's something to do with the cyclotron room? DOCTOR: No, well not really, but... it is the deepest part of the centre. And it's the nearest to those caves. LIZ: So? (The DOCTOR agitatedly thumps the desk.) DOCTOR: Everything leads back to those caves, Liz. Davis was killed there, Spencer was frightened into becoming a cave man. LIZ: That reminds me, there's a report here on Davis. (LIZ goes and extracts the file from the top draw of the filing cabinet on the other side of the room.) DOCTOR: Oh yes. LIZ: The police forwarded a copy. DOCTOR: Let's have a look. LIZ: Even a map showing where they found him. DOCTOR: Oh good. (LIZ deposits the report, map and other documents from the folder onto the desk. The DOCTOR skims through the report and picks out some salient remarks:) DOCTOR: (Reading aloud.) "Immediate cause of death, fracture of the cranium. Further observations: unusual abrasions on the body, strangely resembling scratches or claw marks. Presumably caused during fall." (The DOCTOR looks up in puzzlement.) DOCTOR: Claw marks! [SCENE_BREAK] 17. INT. CAVES (His curiosity having gotten the better of him, the DOCTOR has equipped himself with potholing gear, and with the aid of the map from the police report, has made his way to the very same caves where Davis and Spencer had ventured forth.) (He climbs down a thin ladder into the space, and looks about the surrounding rocks and sand. As he looks, he hears a faint, far-off noise, possibly like an animal roaring.) (Not in the slightest bit unnerved, the DOCTOR steps forward and after some brief reconnoitering, discovers a discarded hammer. Encouraged, he continues in much the same direction, between a narrow crevice and upwards into a small cranny, where he again is rewarded, this time with the discovery of several large loops of climbing rope. Again there is a faint roar from somewhere nearby.) (The DOCTOR looks around and notices a small opening, which, although quite narrow, appears to lead to a much larger space. He puts aside the rope and cautiously climbs through the opening into a much larger chamber. He looks around the space, seeing nothing. After several moments he turns back to retreat through the opening, when there is a colossal roar behind him.) (The DOCTOR turns to stare upwards at a carnivorous dinosaur of the same mould as the Allosaurus or Tyrannosaurus rex. It reaches down at him with it's sharp fore-claws, and trapped in the opening all the DOCTOR can do is raise an arm over his face in self-defence...)

The Doctor and Liz are summoned to the Wenley Moor Research Centre by the Brigadier, after several staff members suffer nervous breakdowns.

fd_Married_01x04

fd_Married_01x04_0

Receptionist: Ella Bowman? Hi, uh, Ella, can I talk to your mom? Ella: Okay. Hey, mom. Lina: Hi. Receptionist: It says that, uh, the bookkeeper would like to speak with you first. Well, we're just here to get her braces tightened. I don't deal with the billing, okay? I'm just dealing with the scheduling. Lina: Oh, no, I know, I know. So we'll just get her braces tightened and then jump in and talk to the bookkeeper. Receptionist: Not this time. Sorry. What kind of animal doesn't even tighten a girl's braces? Russ: They really refused to see her? Lina: Yeah. They said no more adjustments until we square up. I can't even believe that. Russ: That is so not cool. Lina: They didn't even call first. I'm just standing in there like an idiot. It was so embarrassing. I'm... What? Russ: Ty might have called. S01E04 Lina: (Sighs) If the braces don't get tightened, then they can't do anything. They're just metal in her mouth. What about calling Bernie? I mean, doesn't he owe us... Russ: Stop. Stop. I'm lucky to have a friend who throws me extra work. It's not cool for me to harass him every time he's behind. Lina: Who cares if it's cool? We're too broke to be cool. Russ: Being broke is cool. Lina: In your 20s. Russ: Well, I can still pull it off. Lina: You sure about that? Russ: Maybe you should call Jess. She offered to help you with your resumee. (Groans) Lina: Okay, I know I have to get a job. I just... (Sighs) I'll call Jess. (Whirring) Russ: Hey. Bernie! Bernie: Oh, hey. Russ: Hey, uh, you got a sec? I just feel like all the pressure's on me, you know? If we can't afford something, it's automatically my fault. Bernie: I thought Lina said she was going back to work. Russ: Yeah, I thought so, too. She said she would, but it never happened. Bernie: Cindy said there'd be a**l on the honeymoon. Russ: Was there? Bernie: Not on the honeymoon. Russ: Hey, um... (Sighs) About the final payment. I'm sorry. I hate to bug you about it. Bernie: Yeah, no, you're not bugging me. It's, uh... just is a tough one. I'm having trouble collecting from the client. But I promise you, as soon as I get paid, you'll get paid. Russ: Any idea when that might be? Just kind of ballpark? Bernie: That's the he's not even responding to my e-mails. I' tthink I should, uh, maybe mark them urgent. But I don't know if I want to be that guy. Maybe it might take more than an e-mail. Bernie: Oh. Like, I should text him? Russ: No, I was thinking something different. Bernie: What do you have in mind? I'm warning you. This can be a really difficult client. (Knocking) Russ: If the braces don't get tightened, then it's just metal in her mouth. Frat brother: Dude, I wish I could help you out, but it's midterms. So? Rus frat brother: So it's, like real stressful times, man, you know? Russ: What are you talking about? We all... I have stress. I have a wife and kids. Bernie: You have to settle your account. Frat brot look, I totally feel y'all. But the treasurer is the only guy who can cut the checks, and I'm not the treasurer. You know what you should do? You should send an e-mail to Doogie. He's our treasurer. Doogie has to check his inbox more often. Russ: So when can we sit down with Doogie, face-to-face? Frat brother: I don't know. Maybe after midterms. Russ: Can I bum a smoke? Okay, so I sent Doogie a friend request, and now I'm tweeting him. I'm gonna cover all the bases. Russ: They're laughing at us. Bernie: Who? Russ: All of 'em. These frat guys. Doogie. I mean, even those cute girls over there. We're the old dudes that we used to laugh at. (Girls giggling) Bernie: Are we funny? Russ: Yeah, we're hilarious. (Baby crying) Jess: Didn't you do, like, some volunteer work at the school? Lina: Um, I w class mom, but it's kind of embarrassing to put that on a resumee. Jess: Hold on. Oh, you need this? I think you should put him down. (Cooing) (Sighs) Um, okay. Well, what can we put on here? Lina: I don't know. I once flew by myself with all three kids... while I was breastfeeding. Jess: That's a baller move. Not something that I would consider resumee material. Lina: What if I start my own business? (Jess groans) What about that? I could do calligraphy. Or I could make jewelry. Jess: Those aren't real jobs. Lina: Yeah, they are. No, those are not. Those are rich white lady hobbies. Lina: I'm white. Jess: That's about it. Weren't you, like, a vp at your last job? Lina: That was forever ago. Jess: Just... is it... I feel bad, but was it insurance? Lina: Payroll. Jess: Payroll. Well... would you ever consider going back there? Lina: Did Russ tell you to ask me that? Jess: No. Lina: He didn't? Jess: No. He didn't tell you to ask me that? Jess: You're so scary. Did he call you and ask you to ask me if I would consider going back to my old job? He might have text it. He's just... we're trying to help you. Lina: (Sighs) Yeah, thanks. I don't understand. So we're waiting on a guy named Doogie? Russ: Yes. Lina: Because he's the treasurer? Russ: He's in midtes right now. And apparently they're, like, 40% of his grade or something. I don't know. Don't worry. I'm on it. (Lina sighs) How did your meeting with Jess go? Lina: Mmm. You know how it went. Russ: What is that supposed to mean? Lina: Oh, please. You think I don't know that you and Jess were talking about me going back to work for Weberman? Russ: What? Yeah, I don't appreciate you and your friend trying to plan my life. Russ: We weren't planning anything. Lina: Really? Russ: It's just... you made really good money with Weberman. Lina: I was miserable. Russ: Come on. It wasn't that bad. Lina: You didn't have to do it. I went through that sh1t for a reason, to support you while you got your sh1t together. Russ: I know. And I did get my sh1t together. For a while. And hopefully I'll get my sh1t together again someday. Babe, we're screwed. Lina: I know. Russ: Can you just... call him? Set up a lunch or something? Please? Lina: I hate you. I don't hate you. I just hate my life. And my life is you. Russ: Is this foreplay? Lina: Duh. (Russ chuckles) Jess: Look, I get it. After I had Harrison, the very last thing I wanted to do was to go back to work. I loved being at home with him and the nannies. But then shep got fired, and I had to step it up. Lina: Oh. Hello, old boss. Jess: Do you work in an airplane? Is your old boss a pilot? Lina: This is the worst, right? Jess: Try this on. Lina: No. This is in the same family. I feel like... God, I'm so bummed. We had a plan, you know? We were going to run the surf shop, and the kids were gonna run around and hang out, and do homework, and then, when they went to college, we were gonna sell it and travel the whole entire world together. Jess: Yeah. I mean, I married a sugar daddy who ran out of sugar. How about that? (Lina laughs) Lina: Yeah, we have no surf shop. I have to have stupid lunch with my stupid old boss wearing a stupid dress. Old man: You should try it on. And we're gonna get murdered. Jess: Oh, my God. Try that on. And I'm gonna go mingle. Bernie: This seems a bit much, don't you think? Do we really need an enforcer? Russ: Relax. He's cool. Angel: This is my thing. I know how to talk to the young people. Kamal: Hey. What's up? Angel: What you drinking there, brother? Kamal: You guys want a cold one? Angel: No, no, no, no, drugs and alcohol aren't the answer for me anymore. I found something better. Kamal: Pills. Angel: You think that's funny? Let me tell you a little story about how I took my life back. Russ: You know what? Maybe let's-let's not do the story? Angel: No story? Russ: No. We're here for Doogie. Angel: Right, right, right, right, Doogie, yeah. We're looking for a brother named Doogie. Kamal: Haven't seen him. Angel: You sure about that? I heard he was hooking up with some skank in Thurston. Russ: Thurston? Kamal: Yeah, the skanks' dorm. It's across the quad. They have a whole dorm for skanks? Skanks. You know, girls, chicks, whores. Russ: All girls are skanks here? Kamal: It's college. Angel: See, it starts with a casual beer. Then some weed. Maybe a couple lines. Next thing you know, you're waking up in jail in a wheelchair with only three toes on your left foot. Bernie: That's really specific. Russ: All girls are skanks here? That's not cool. I'm-I'm paying for piano lessons and spending five grand on braces so they can go to college and be called skanks. Angel: Five grand? What, are you getting braces for the whole family? That's white people prices. Bernie: There are brown people prices? Angel: The ortho in my hood... he charges half that. White people always paying too much for sh1t. Bernie: What do you pay for cable? [SCENE_BREAK] Lina: I think I should just go to grad school. I should take one of those tests. I should take, like, the MCAT or the lSAT or the GMAT. I think I should cancel this lunch and go to a kaplan course. Jess: What are you talking about? I am talking about anything. Og God. There he is. That's him. That's him. Jess: What? Lina: That's him. Jess: Just relax. Lina: I can't relax. I can't because I'm getting nauseous just even thinking about his day-old breath. Weberman has the worst breath. Jess: Okay, you need to go in there. Lina: All right, I'm gonna go. Just get it all together and marge it in. Lina: All right. Jess: Uh-uh. Lina: I can't. I can't. I'm feeling really sick to my stomach, and I think I'm gonna vomit, and I can always tell when I'm gonna vomit. Jess: Okay, okay, okay... Lina: I'm gonna throw up. Jess: You know what? You just need something to take the edge off. (Lina groans) Take some deep breaths, I got the rest. Lina: Oh, God. Aj: So, he's just inside there waiting for you? Lina: Yeah. Russ: Excuse me. We're looking for a guy named Doogie. Is he a resident? We understand that he's upstairs... tapping a skank? Guard: Sorry. Can't let you upstairs. (Russ sighs) Hi. Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Looking for a Zeta brother named Doogie. Megan: Doogie? Doogie can kiss my ass. Russ: Great. So you do know him? Is everything okay? Megan: He said that we were gonna grab a bite. Then he said that we were gonna hook up first. And then he... Alissa: He finished on her face. Russ: Finished what? Alissa: s*x. Yeah, Russ. You know, like in the movies. Angel: Mm. Were, uh, either of you under the influence? 'Cause, you know, a lot of bad s*x decisions are the product of drugs and alcohol. Russ: Angel. Can you tell us where he is? Megan: He's back at the house. Russ: Okay, let's go teach that prick some manners. Aj: Love is very complicated. Work is very complicated. Life is very complicated. That's why it is perfectly natural to try and sabotage... Lina: I'm not sabotaging. It's not about me. It's about the breath. Jess: She doesn't want to smell her old boss' breath. Oh, I get it. I, uh, had a lot of trouble going back to work after the divorce and made up every excuse in the book. In fact, they think I'm at my shrink right now. When you say "shrink," nobody questions it. Jess: Here's an idea. What if we went in and we did, like, a breath-sniffing recon where somebody went in and sniffed just to make sure that the breath is clear? Then you won't have any surprises, and I actually think that might make you feel a lot better. Lina: I guess so. Jess: Great. All right. So, why don't you go in and sniff it? Wait. Why do I have to do it? Because my nose doesn't even work anymore. Old cocaine injury. (Jess laughs) Aj: Fine. I'll do it. What does he look like? (Urinating) (Unzips) Aj: Hey. How you doing? Weberman: Good. (Sniffing) AJ (Whispers): Hi. Weberman: Hey. (Clears throat) Hi. Oh, no, I'm not interested, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm just using the bathroom. AJ: Be cool, bro. Weberman: No, sir, please step back, step back, get out of my face. Aj: It's not inappropriate. You don't know what I'm doing right now. Weberman: Get out of... I know what you're doing. Get out of my face. Jess: What is taking him so long? Aj: Don't go in there. Lina: I don't know. Jess: Hold on, hold... Lina: What happened? Jess: Are you okay? Lina: Oh, my God. Aj: I don't know about that guy's breath, but he definitely has a homophobia problem. Lina: What did you do? Jess: Oh, my God. I am reporting it as a hate crime, so don't you guys worry about it, all right? Jess: Right there, there he is, right there. (Lina shrieks) Lina: Oh, God, oh, God, wait, can he see me, can he see me? Weberman: Lina? Lina: Oh, hi. Hey. Hi, sorry I'm late. Weberman: Okay, what's going on here? Lina: I... I quit. Weberman: You quit... Lina: I quit. Weberman: Wh-what? Lina: I quit. Aj: Translation: Take this job and shove it up your ass, you bigot. Lina: Yeah. Weberman: What job? Jess: Exactly, good question! Weberman: Hey, Lina... Aj: Asshole! (Laughing) That was awesome. (Jess whoops) Oh, oh, man. Russ: Do you need a sweater or something? Megan: Am I nipping out? Russ: What? No, I was just concerned. I have daughters. (Indistinct conversations) Megan: That's him. Bernie: That's Doogie? Megan: Yeah. Russ: Unreal. Bernie: It appears that Doogie has come on our faces as well. Russ: Goddamn it. Doogie: Hey, guys. Welcome to Cocktoberfest. Russ: What the hell, man? Why did you lie to us? Doogie: Fraternity treasurer, man... it's part of the gig. What's up, ladies? Kamal: Skanks in the house. Doogie: What, what? Kamal: What? Russ: Stop doing that. These are not skanks, okay? These are young women. And you owe Megan some respect. Doggie: Aw, babe. I'm sorry I made a mess on you. I was just feeling so jammed up, you know? What with midterms, Cocktoberfest. We have a velcro wall out back. Megan: I've never been on a velcro wall before. Alissa: It sounds fun. Doogie: It is epic. Russ: It's not actually that great at all. What are you doing? Bernie: Classic skank move. Russ: This is such bullshit. Angel, can you do your thing here, please? Angel: You know, if I just had one beer, it wouldn't be that big of a deal, right? Russ: What? Doogie: One drink isn't gonna kill you. Russ: No. Angel: I-I got to call my sponsor. Russ: No, Angel. No, no, no. Angel: I'm not losing another toe, man. Russ: We're here. Angel, you got to get this guy. Doogie: So, uh, we all cool here? Russ: No, we're not cool. We're not cool at all, bro. Do you see these banners? I designed those, okay? That took a lot of work. And Bernie here printed 'em on reinforced vinyl, and he did a really good job. Bernie: I-I just send 'em as an attachment, but-but thank you. Russ: So give us our goddamn money so that I can straighten my daughter's teeth so some douche like you can jizz all over her face someday! Doogie: Not cool, man. Russ: Not cool? Not cool. Right. Yeah, I don't need to be cool, okay? Bernie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. (Partygoers scream, shout) Doogie: Now, that was cool. (Partygoers cheering) Bernie: Was that cool? Doogie: Uh, not bad. Russ: Hey, weirdo. (Lina gasps) Lina: You scared me. It's creepy when you watch them sleep. They're just getting so big. How messed up are you? Russ: Normal. What about you? Lina: Same. I really sh1t the bed today with Weberman. Russ: Mm-hmm. I heard. Lina: Of course you did. (Groans) It's not fair. You are a designer. You love art and designing. It's your thing. I don't have a thing. Russ: You're a good mom. (Lina groans) Lina: That's so lame. (Sighs) Is it so pathetic that I'm almost 40 and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up? Russ: Yes. (Chuckles) I'm just k... I think it's hot. Lina: You would. Russ: Mmm. Check out how awesome I am. (Lina gasps) (Russ chuckles) Feels light. Russ: I may have broken some windows. Lina: Babe. Russ: I know. Lina: What about the braces? Russ: I got it covered. (Spanish music playing) Ella: They're too tight. (Speaking Spanish) Russ: Yeah, okay. Yeah, he said he's gonna loosen them. Ella: Uh... ah. Russ: He said he's gonna loosen them, so... Ella: Uh...

An orthodontist fee forces Russ to confront Bernie for payment on a recent design, but Bernie in turn blames a college fraternity for failing to pay him. The two get some "muscle" to persuade the frat leader to pay up, and in the process of visiting the frat house realize how uncool they have become.

fd_Alias_04x10

fd_Alias_04x10_0

Sydney walks through the APO office. She's going by Sloane's office when she notices Vaughn and Sloane talking. Sloane touches Vaughn's shoulder. Sydney has a perplexed look on her face and moves on. (Faint voiceover) Weiss: Do you have a problem with all holidays? Nadia: No... Weiss: So you're fine with, let's say, Arbor Day? Nadia Looks annoyed Nadia: I'm not that into celebrating, that's all! Weiss: That's all? Syd approaches the two Sydney: What's going on? Weiss: (Sigh) You're sister doesn't want to celebrate her own birthday! Nadia rolls her eyes and turns her head Syd: When? Weiss: In two days- you don't know about this either? Syd: Get out! Nadia: I don't even know if it is my birthday...In the orphanage they just felt bad because I was the only kid who didn't know when I was born. So the Sisters just picked a date - Weiss: Yeah, the day after tomorrow! Syd: We could go bowling and rent some lanes. Weiss: Ohh, we've been through bowling... Syd: There's always -- Weiss: Go Carts, though! Sydney laughs Weiss: That'd be really good! Syd (Still laughing): Bar-hopping! Nadia shakes her head, still annoyed Weiss: Bar-hopping, or a raging house party! Whoo! (Makes weird motions with his hands) What's up?! Nadia: Thank you, I don't want to do anything. Weiss: Come on - Marshall approaches MArshall: Hey guys, are you guys planning a party? Nadia: No. There's no party. Marshall: 'Cause, I'm a really good DJ, if you need one. Anyways, speaking of parties, Sloane's having one in the briefing room, now. Nadia gets up and leaves, leaving Weiss and Syd with sad looks on their faces Cut to briefing room Sloane: As most of you know, when the Alliance was dismantled four years ago, the CIA came into the possession of a multitude of artifacts, files, and intels. Among the items retrieved was the Blackwell Index. Weiss: Blackwell? What's this, a worst-dressed list? Jack: Damien Blackwell, head of the Gaussau crime syndicate. He is believed to have compiled incriminating information on corporate heads, government officials, common criminals. Essentially, a master blackmail list, encoded into a mobile terminal. JAck presses button, and a weird swirly thingy appears on the screens. Everyone looks Sloane: The Alliance was never able to read The Index, during the six months it was in their possession. It was enciphered using 4,096 bit encryption. Marshall: Wow. I mean, even with current technology, that would take, like twenty years to decipher. And that's with a supercomputer working on it 24/7. Sloane: Needless to say, the CIA was unsuccessful in it's decryption efforts. Syd: Why is this an issue now? Sloane: Last night, the Index was stolen from a CIA Research Station in Sarajevo. Cut to the Research Station Men are shown at a control station. Shots are fired. The Index is shown, and a man takes the computer. The two men at the control station are shown slumped over the controls, bullets in their foreheads. Sloane (Voiceover): They left three of our agents dead. Cut back to briefing room Dixon: No leads on who stole it. Sloane: No, it was a clean job. In and out within 2 minutes. Nadia: Why steal something you can't read? Sloane: The decoder disk has been located. Two weeks ago, Damien Blackwell's concealed base of operations was identified and raided by French authorities. They seized most of his possessions as evidence, including a mini disk. We believe this to be the decoder. Jack: Our only logical recourse is to go after the decoder. Without it, The Index is useless. Weiss: Do the French know what they have? Sloane: No. Of course, we would rather obtain it through legal channels, unfortunately that doesn't seem to be an option right now. Syd: Wait a minute, you want us to steal the decoder from French police? Sloane: Right now, it's being held in the Paris prefecture (?). Sydney, figure out a way to get yourself arrested. Everyone looks around, Sydney looks uneasy Cut to Dixon working on a computer. He's opening a file that has logs of telephone calls, the number called, times of the calls, and CAller ID. They all have "Arvin Sloane" as the ID, and one entry specific flashes. Dixon runs a backtrace on the call and it is for Hotel Bascarsija, in Sarajevo. Dixon stares at it, incredulously. Cut to Vaughn, exiting the APO office. Sydney comes up behind him Syd: Hey! Vaughn: Hey Syd: We got out of the briefing early. Did Sloane approve your trip? Vaughn: Uh-huh. Sydney: Any word on your uncle? Vaughn: Yeah, I spoke to my mom this morning. Apparently, this last stroke hit him pretty hard. He hasn't regained consciousness. Syd: That's awful. You gonna be ok? Vaughn: Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that, when my dad died, my uncle made all these promises about being there for me and my mother. And he wasn't. Ever. I'm not sure about how I feel about seeing him again, you know. Sydney puts a hand on his shoulder Syd: I wish I could go with you. Vaughn: I know They kiss twice Vaughn: I'll call you when I land Sydney (nodding): Ok. Vaughn: Ok. He gets into the elevator, and the door closes. Dixon approaches. Dixon: Sydney. We need to talk. Sydney has a peculiar look on her face Cut to the self-storage place, where she and Vaughn met during the good ol' days of SD-6. Dixon: OK. It's safe to talk here. Syd (unsurely): Ok. Dixon hands Syd a file. She opens it, and there's some papers on the mission to recover the disk. Dixon: I was checking SLoane's facts, netting the intel he's given us. Director Chase encouraged us to watch Sloane, that's what I've been doing. I'm not going to make the same mistake I did at SD-6: blindly following that man's orders. Syd: What has he done now? Dixon: Sloane just said he had no leads on who stole the Index out of that research station in Sarajevo. Syd: Yeah... Dixon turns a page in the file, showing a picture of a man talking on his cell phone. Dixon: Look familiar? Syd: Miles Devereaux, former Alliance member, head of operations, SD-3. Dixon: Sloane contacted him. 40 minutes after the Blackwell Index was stolen. Before Langley had even discovered the theft. Syd: How do you know? Dixon: I've got a tap on Sloane's home line. Sydney turns her head, not really sure how to describe her expression. Syd: Dixon! Dixon: The call was encrypted, but I traced it to a hotel. In Sarajevo. I hacked into the hotel's CCTV feed, that's where I found this. Sydney closes her eyes, realizing what Dixon is thinking Syd: You think Sloane is working with Deveraux. Dixon: I think Sloane tasked us to steal the decoder for one reason: so he and Devereaux could crack the Index to retreive the blackmail files for themselves! That's why he lied about having no leads. He's using us, AGAIN. And that's not something I'm going to let him do. Cut to black. Opening credits Stock photo of LA. Caption: CIA Field Office, Los Angeles. Inside an office, Director Chase is looking at a file. Chase: So what you're telling me is that you've been illegal tapping your superior's phone. Dixon: Keeping an eye on Sloane was a mandate, one that you specifically charged me with! Chase: I didn't condone breaking federal laws to do it. Dixon: Since SD-6, SLoane has wanted the Blackwell Index. And now he's coincidentally made contact with Devereaux, in Sarajevo, minutes after the theft? Chase: Perhaps he's persuing information on who stole it! Dixon: By contacting a former Alliance member?! Chase: Sloane is free to contact old associates. It's one of the reasons he was appointed head of the task force! Dixon: He lied to us, about having no leads! Chase: Perhaps none of the leads proved useful. Dixon looking angered. Chase hands him back the file. chase: Irrational explanations. Dixon: He tasked us to steal the decoder from police custody! Does this add up for you? (Angered) Are you listening to me? Chase: I'm aware of the mission to retrieve the decoder, Mr. Dixon. I authorized it myself. No, I appreciate your concern, but these accusations are based on circumstancial evidence, so unless you have something else to give me, I would suggest you pull that phone tap. Dixon looks annoyed (again). Cut to Sydney and Dixon at APO Syd: I know you want him to be guilty. I've been there. Dixon: This is not about what he did to Diane. Syd: Of course it is. It is for me, but you're the one that reminded me why we're here. To do the right thing. Maybe this time, Director Chase is right. Maybe we should just let it go. Dixon: Chase refuses to see the truth! Sydney, you know I never do this, I'm asking you for me. Please, I need your help. Cut to pic with caption: Mesa, Arizona There is a man in a bed. You can hear the beep of an EKG machine. Vaughn is standing, in the dark, at the foot of the bed. A nurse appears at the door. She enters. Nurse: You don't have to stand in the dark, you know. Vaughn: Oh, uh, I didn't want to, uh - Nurse: The light won't bother David. (looks at Vaughn, points a finger at him) You must be Bill. Vaughn looks surprised Vaughn: Why would you say that? Nurse: Your uncle said you were coming to see him. He used to talk about you a lot. Before he had the stroke. Vaughn: Bill was my father. He's dead. Nurse: Oh, my mistake. Older people get confused some times, you know, and they get the past and the present mixed up. Was it recent? Vaughn: Uh, no. He died in 1979. They both nod at eachother. Vaughn: I'm Michael. Nurse (reaching out to shake his hand): I'm Rosemary. Michael: Nice to meet you. Rosemary: I do the 3 and the 10 o'clock rounds in this wing. Did you come a long way? Michael: Los Angeles. I would've come to visit sooner but... Rosemary: Well, you're here now. That's what's important. Vaughn nods at her. Cut back to LA Sloane and Weiss are walking through the APO office. Sloane: I reviewed your recon analysis report. Your extraction plan needs some work. Weiss: Really? I thought I - Sloane: You're assuming everything is going right. Weiss: No, I allowed for a contingency - Sloane: For exiting the building. If anything happens, it's the perimeter that poses the greatest problem. Weiss (a little annoyed): OK, I'll work up a new scenario. Sloane: Good. You have all our resources at your disposal, Weiss, why don't you use them? The last thing we need is an international incident. WEiss: Yes, sir. Sloane: The rest of the specs look great. WEiss: Well, thank you. Sloane: I take it you'll have no problem bringing Nadia up to speed? Weiss: Yeah, I already did. Last night. Sloane: Excuse me? Weiss (reaching for words): Uh, we were working. We work late. We actually like it. There were other peop - Jack was here! Sloane (smiling slightly): Are you finished? Have the report on my desk in an hour. Impress me. Sloane enters into his office, to find Jack there. Sloane: Jack, I didn't realize you were waiting. Jack: I heard the forensic reports from Sarajevo were in. Just curious, was Langley able to generate any new leads? Sloane: No. They have nothing as far as the theft is concerned. Jack: Then I'm assuming our agenda remains the same. Sloane: Oh yes, we obtain the decoder. JAck: I'll coordinate transportation now. Sloane: Oh, Jack, one more thing. Sydney was supposed to hand me her ops report 15 minutes ago. Any idea where she might be? Jack: No. I imagine she is somewhere, working out the details. Cut to Sydney and Dixon in the self-storage place Syd: I used to meet Vaughn like this, when he was my handler at SD-6. Dixon: Must have been romatic Sydney smiles at this. She pulls out something from her bag Syd: Micro-CD burner. Dixon: Where'd you get it? Syd (playfully): I BORROWED it from MArshall's office. With a few adjustments, it'll make a corrupted copy of the decoder disk. That'll be what we give to Sloane and keep the real one safe. Dixon: So if Sloane follows protocol and hands it over to the CIA... Syd: No harm done. But if he tries using it, he'll be sorely disappointed. We'll have to watch and see. There is a pause. After a minute: Syd (smiling): What...? Dixon: I'm just now realizing how..complicated your life was at SD-6. I appreciate you doing this. I know you have your reservations Syd: It's just that things are a little different now, because of Nadia. He's her father. I know this may seem weird...but, I hope for her sake we're wrong. [P]ARIS Sydney in a punkish outfit of a short skirt, fishnets, and a leather jacket with a hair-do with multi-colored sticks in it swaggers down the street. She walks up to a car, pulls out a can of spray paint and writes "Oil is ____ (not sure what the last word is)" on the side of the truck. Weiss runs up to her, yelling. Weiss: Qu'est-ce vous foutez?!? (or something similar, meaning "What are you doing?!?") Syd ignores him, and he says it again. Weiss: Ah! Police! (not sure who it's spelled in French) Syd (pointing at Weiss): YOU! Weiss: POLICE! Sydney makes a funny face, likes she sorry Policeman: Il y a un probleme, ici? (Is there a problem here?) Weiss: Oui. Cette garce a massacr ma voiture! (Yes. This B-I-T-C-H massacred my car!) Syd (mocking him): Massaccr ma voiture! Weiss: J'exige de porter plainte! (I want to sue!) Syd (micking): de porter plainte. Policeman: Calmez-vous, monsieur. (Calm down, sir) Syd: Je - ne - comprend - pas (I don't understand) Weiss: J'exige de porter plainte! Policeman: Calmez-vous, monsieur! Syd: Je - ne - parler - francais - PAS! (She's trying to say "I don't speak French, but she said it wrong) Weiss (disgusted): Ah! Syd pushes the policemen into Weiss. She grabs his nightstick, and turns around and breaks the car's window. Weiss: (Not sure what he says at first)...You filthy American tourist! (?) Policeman (pushing Syd up against car): You are under arrest! [SCENE_BREAK] Stock photo of a big building in Paris. Cut to Room inside building. Sydney is sitting with her feet on the desk, with a pencil in her mouth. A door opens. Dixon, in alias, enters, along with a police officer. Syd: It's about time. Dixon: Amanda Peterson, right? Sydney does a forced smile, obviously looking like she'd rather be somewhere else. Dixon: My name is Richard Zachary, your legal counsel, appointed by the American Embassy. Syd: Grreeaatt Dixon: I see you've been enjoying your stay in Paris. Syd: It's been swell. Cut to the street. There's a van parked on the side of the road. Inside the van is Nadia. She's hacking into the Police Stations camera feeds. Nadia (On comms, Upon locating the room Syd and Dixon are in): Okay, got it. Outrigger, looping the feed on your call Dixon (reading a paper, souding almost disgusted): Vandalism, resisting arrest, assaulting an officer. These are serious charges. Syd: So...? Dixon: So, let's see about getting you out of here. Dixon lifts up his pen and points it at the guard. A laser sight is pointed on his neck, and a dart shoots out of the pen. The guard collapses instantly. Dixon pulls something out of his briefcase Dixon: The CD burner. Syd: Thanks, Dixon. Dixon: Good luck. Sydney gets up and leaves the room. She's walking down the hallway. Sydney (on comms): Phoenix, signing in. Nadia: Copy, we have you. It's the third door on the left. Nadia sees Syd approach the door, a she starts picking the lock. She notices some guards coming down the hall. Nadia: Make it quick, you're about to have company. Sydney finally gets the door open, and hides in the shadows right before the guards see her. Syd: I'm in. Nadia: Ok, Lock number 430. Sydney looks at all the locks, trying to find locker 430. She finds it, and pulls out a little blow-torch and cuts a whole in the locker. NAdia's watching all this over the Security Cameras. Nadia: Phoenix, report. Did you get the decoder? Sydney (as she palms the decoder disk): Negative. Moving to check the rest of the inventory. Syd moves to an area the camera can't see, and takes out the cd burner. Nadia (noticing Sydney is gone): Phoenix, we lost visual. Sydney (making a copy of the disk): Still searching for the decoder. A policeman is shown on the security camera, entering the stock room. Nadia: Phoenix, you've got incoming! Get out of there! Now! The CD Burner beeps and ejects the copy. Sydney: Ok. I just found the disk Policeman (seeing Sydney): Qu'est-ce tu fais ici? (This means, 'what are you doing here?', but he used "tu" which is a familiar, informal word. He should have used "Vous.") Sydney beats him up and runs out of the room Policeman (into his radio, in French): All units, prisoner in the building! Nadia: Outrigger, abort! Going to Plan B. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to Dixon in the office still, putting everything into his briefcase. Dixon: Copy that. Nadia: Phoenix, we're moving to alternate extraction. Head to the roof immediately! Sydney's running down the hall, with policemen behind her. She runs up the stairwell to the roof, with bullets being fired. She's on the roof, with the officers still behind her. Sydney (runnig toward the edge): Base, Plan B better be in effect! A helicopter, with Weiss as pilot, flies up right next to the building. Sydney Runs and jumps of the building, grapping onto the railing thing. The helicopter flies away into the Paris sky, leaving the police officer standing on the roof. Commercial From here on was done by loxosceles (thanks!) APO DIXON: I checked with Marshall. The decoder's still in analysis. SYDNEY: Sloane's following protocol. DIXON: No. (in a disgusted, "that can't be," tone of voice) DIXON: Since we got back from Paris, he's made more than a dozen calls from a secure line in his home. SYDNEY: Were you able to trace the calls? DIXON: They were routed through relay stations, but I narrowed them down to a number in Brussels. Syd, we need to get into Sloane's house. If we could copy the encryption key from his secure phone, we could crack the calls to gain access to his conversations. SYDNEY: Yeah, but how? Sloane walks up. SLOANE: Sydney, a word. My office. [SCENE_BREAK] Sloane's Office SLOANE: I'm sure I don't have to inform you of the consequences had either of you been apprehended by the French police. SYDNEY: With all due respect, we weren't. SLOANE: Sydney, you took a long time in the evidence room. SYDNEY: I assume you read my debrief. The decoder disk was misfiled. I had to search the rest of the inventory. SLOANE: During which time Nadia and Weiss lost visual contact with you. SYDNEY: Was that my fault? SLOANE: Once you were out of view of the security camera, you just happened to be able to locate the decoder disk. SYDNEY: That's correct. SLOANE: Perhaps I shouldn't, but I expect better from you. Sydney starts to walk away. SYDNEY: This might not be the best time, but I thought you should know. Today's Nadia's birthday. She says she doesn't want to celebrate, but maybe she'd change her mind if the invitation came from you. SLOANE: Actually, I didn't know (garbled). Well, what do you think she might like? SYDNEY: Something simple. Family dinner, maybe, at your house? SLOANE: That's a good idea. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Mesa, AZ nursing home NURSE: Think your uncle wants to listen to the game? VAUGHN: I don't know. I'm not sure he was much of a basketball fan. Do you think he can hear it? NURSE: Oh, you never know. I've known people to come out of comas and when you ask them what did it, lots of times they say that it was the sound of a loved one's voice that guided them back. NURSE: Patient's hands get so dry. NURSE: Were you and your uncle close? VAUGHN: No, not really. Didn't see him much at all after my father died. NURSE: He must have been a good man, your father. Sometimes that's all David would talk about. Oh, you know what? David was keeping something for you. VAUGHN: For my father? NURSE: I think so. Maybe he wasn't clear, but he said it was for Bill, [for] when he came back. I suppose you should have it. It's a small manila envelope, with a locker key in it. [SCENE_BREAK] Sydney's Apartment NADIA: What do you think? SYDNEY: It's pretty. It's perfect, actually. NADIA: Thanks. SYDNEY: Sure, you can borrow that necklace any time. NADIA: I don't mean that. That too. I mean tonight at the party. SYDNEY: Really? Because you seemed a little annoyed when I told your dad about your birthday. NADIA: I was. But the idea of being with family, it feels better than I thought. NADIA: I'm so glad you didn't listen. SYDNEY: I usually don't. NADIA: You know, the fact that you're even willing to have dinner with my father, it means so much. SYDNEY: I'm glad. NADIA: I'll get my coat. [SCENE_BREAK] Dinner WEISS: I'm telling you, she was crazy in Paris. I'm not kidding. I'm thinking about making my next car a hybrid. SYDNEY: You should. I have one. WEISS: What do you think, Arvin? Silence. WEISS: Uhh, Mr. Sloane. JACK: Well, considering the rapidly growing demand for fuel in nations like China and India, not to mention the world's oil supply is expected to peak in the next five years, then sharply plummet, I think it's pretty clear we're looking at an exponential rise in global conflict along with an energy crisis of unfathomable proportions. JACK: So yes, I'd say a hybrid is an excellent idea. WEISS: That's what I thought. ARVIN: How about a toast? The Chinese have a saying: "Once choice scatters a thousand griefs." So it is in that spirit that I wish you, Nadia, the same joy that you bring to me every day. I never dreamed that something so precious would come into my life. Because of you, I am a changed man. Happy birthday. NADIA: Thanks. JACK: Happy birthday. SYDNEY: Happy birthday. Sydney's phone rings. SYDNEY (cell): Hello? DIXON (cell): It's me. SYDNEY: It's Vaughn. SYDNEY (cell): No, I have a minute. Are you okay? How's your uncle. Sloane looks not-completely-convinced as Sydney gets up. DIXON (cell): Sloane's secure phone should be in his desk. SYDNEY (cell): Okay, Dixon. Stand-by. Sydney gets into the drawer. Back at dinner... Nadia starts to get up. WEISS: Uh uhh, sit down. NADIA: Why? WEISS: Because you're not going to lift a finger on your birthday. Come on. SLOANE: Well, I have something for you, so I'm going to get it. SYDNEY (cell): Okay, I'm transmitting now. DIXON (cell): Copy, I'm receiving the phone's encryption key. DIXON (cell): Transmission good. Sydney hurriedly puts everything back, and gets up from Sloane's desk in a shot from behind Nadia's shoulder. SYDNEY: Nadia. NADIA: Birthday cake's ready. SYDNEY: Okay. Sloane's pouring some wine. SLOANE: Nadia. NADIA: Thank you. SLOANE: There she is. How's Vaughn? SYDNEY: He's okay. I think it's hard for him. NADIA: It must be. WEISS: Alright, don't worry. I made them promise they would not sing to you. This is a little something I whipped up. Chocolate icing, chocolate cake, chocolate mousse, just for you. Happy birthday. He kisses her. [SCENE_BREAK] After dinner, in another room SLOANE: Come on, Nadia. Make a wish. Nadia blows the candles out. Everyone claps. WEISS: Speech! NADIA: I had no idea what to expect from tonight. I never celebrated anything with family before. And I wasn't even sure I wanted to, but Sydney insisted. Now I see what I've been missing all these years, the chance to know my family for the kind of people they really are. SLOANE: Here, here. Happy birthday. They all drink champagne. [SCENE_BREAK] Back at home. They get through the door. NADIA: You used me! You wanted to break into my father's office and you used me to do it! SYDNEY: Nadia, listen to me. NADIA: No! Tonight was nothing but a ploy! Sydney's in full damage control mode. SYDNEY: That's not true. NADIA: You just said you suspected my father. SYDNEY: I do, but for the first time in my life I don't want him to be guilty. Nadia, I was trying to prove that he's innocent. The doorbell rings. Nadia gets it. Dixon shows up. DIXON: Hi. Is Sydney home? NADIA: Whatever you found out about my father, I have a right to know. [SCENE_BREAK] Mesa, AZ Vaughn's at the Mesa, AZ bus terminal, where there are... surprise... lockers. Inside is another, larger manila envelope, with a journal that goes to December 21, 1981. [It looks more like someone's analytic geometry notes than a journal.] [SCENE_BREAK] CIA A tape is playing for Director Chase. DEVEROUX (tape): Quite a coup, stealing the decoder from police custody. SLOANE (tape): No less difficult than obtaining the index from the CIA. It seems we're both blessed with unique talents. DEVEROUX (tape): The others have agreed. They're leaving for Brussels in the morning. It'll be nice to have you back at the table, Arvin. DIXON: Sloane is reconstructing the Alliance... unless you require more evidence. CHASE: You proved your point. Do we have any idea where the meeting's taking place? DIXON: All we know is what you heard. Brussels. CHASE: Alright, then. We'll set up a mobile surveillance, track Sloane to the meeting. Once he's led us there, we'll move in. Who else knows about this? DIXON: Agents Sydney Bristow and Nadia Santos. CHASE: You involved Agent Santos in this matter? DIXON: It became necessary to do so, but she's prepared to accept the truth about her father. CHASE: Alright then, let's do it. [SCENE_BREAK] APO SLOANE (tel): I need the report. Yeah. I told you I need the report on my desk by tomorrow. That's it. NADIA: You wanted to see me? SLOANE: Your scarf. You left this last night. NADIA: Thanks. SLOANE: You seemed like you were in a hurry. Is everything all right? NADIA: Uh, yeah, why? SLOANE: Last night I thought I detected some tension between you and your sister. NADIA: No, nothing like that. I was just overwhelmed. I still have to get used to being around family. Sloane still doesn't look convinced. SLOANE: Oh, I see. Okay. Well, if you ever need to talk, just know that my door is always open. NADIA: Are you going somewhere? SLOANE: Yeah, just an overnight. NADIA: Where to? SLOANE: Brussels. NADIA: Have a safe trip. SLOANE: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] BRUSS[E]LS SYDNEY: I should have told you sooner. NADIA: You don't need to protect me. SYDNEY: I know that. It's just it's always been black and white where your father's concerned. I'm not used to seeing the gray. NADIA: What if it was your father? He's done his share of compromising things. Would you work this hard to punish him? SYDNEY (comm): Target's on the move. Is the tracker hot? CHASE (comm): He just got onto Rue Voltaire, heading due north. satellite tracker photo says Vehicle ID: 30947 28436 CHASE (comm): He's turning towards the river. DIXON (comm): The dockyards. DIXON (comm): Do you have a visual? SYDNEY (comm): Sloane's approaching the building on foot. [SCENE_BREAK] Elsewhere Three men are gathered around a table in a warehouse. DEVEROUX: Gentlemen. As promised, the Blackwell Index. [SCENE_BREAK] SYDNEY: He went into the building. CHASE: Alright, we need to move. CHASE to Nadia: You'll monitor the perimeter. [SCENE_BREAK] Still Elsewhere DEVEROUX to unidentified man in the foreground: You're late. [SCENE_BREAK] Docks Nadia gets in a car and drives around the building. CHASE (comm): Evergreen, report. NADIA (comm): All clear. You have go. They go in. DIXON: Where's Deveroux? Where is he? SLOANE: You have no idea what you're doing. CHASE: Where's the Alliance meet? SLOANE: It's not here. It's in another building. I am only surveilling. On the surveillance feed: DEVEROUX: So, we've heard rumors you've turned CIA. VOICE OF JACK BRISTOW: Rumors were wrong. SYDNEY: Oh my god. Jack sits down. JACK: It's good to be back. Jack slides the decoder across the table. DEVEROUX: Thank you. CHASE: If you knew the Alliance was regrouping, why not alert the CIA? SLOANE: You and I both know that the CIA would never have allowed me to convene the Alliance this way. CHASE: You're damn right. SLOANE: I had to bait them into the open to ID the players, the infrastructure. CHASE: You should have come to me. SLOANE: I went to Jack. SYDNEY: You sent my father to do your dirty work. SLOANE: Your father demanded to go, Sydney. DIXON: He's lying. SLOANE: No, Marcus, I'm not lying. Like you, Jack would never trust me around the Blackwell index, but he knew they would recognize him as my chief of operations at SD-6. He insisted on delivering the decoder himself. Sydney looks at Dixon. SYDNEY: He doesn't have the real decoder. SLOANE: Oh no. You didn't... They try to decode the index, and with nice BS graphics straight out of Hackers and Swordfish, it fails. DEVEROUX: What's going on, Jack? I think the rumors are true. I think this is a set-up. SYDNEY: Where are they? SLOANE: Building 37. SYDNEY (comm): Nadia, get to building 37. Nadia drives off in a Mustang GT, license ABA 715 Meanwhile, Deveroux has jack tied with duct tape. DEVEROUX: Where's Sloane? JACK: My guess? Miles from here. He knew the decoder was a fake. He sold me out. When I find him, I'm going to kill the b*st*rd... just as soon as I'm done with you. Deveroux hits him. DEVEROUX: Where's Sloane? Deveroux gives up on battery and tries assault, aiming a 1911 at Jack. DEVEROUX: Where is he? At this point Nadia arrives, crashing the Mustang through the warehouse wall; she shoots all three Alliance members with her HK USP. NADIA: Jack. They get back to the dock. SYDNEY: Dad. JACK: I'm okay. Really. Tension between Sydney and Nadia... SYDNEY: Thank you. NADIA: I'd like to think in the future you'll do the same for me. [SCENE_BREAK] Mesa, AZ VAUGHN: David, it's Michael. I found it, dad's diary. I don't understand... there are entries in here until 1982. My father died in 1979. Please, if you can hear me I need you to wake up. I need to know... have you seen him? Has he been here? Is he alive? A different nurse arrives. NURSE: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you had a visitor. Everything okay? VAUGHN: Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Thank you. Oh, uh, wait. I need to talk to Rosemary. NURSE: I'm sorry, who? VAUGHN: Uh, Rosemary, the nurse. She's been taking care of my uncle. NURSE: I don't recognize the name. VAUGHN: What? No, that's impossible. She covers the 3 and 10 o'clock rounds. NURSE: Sir, there are no 3 and 10 o'clock rounds. I'm sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] APO CHASE: I trust that you'll remove the tap on Sloane's phone. DIXON: Already done. CHASE: And the decoder disk, the real one. DIXON: It's been turned over. CHASE: Okay. There's a lot of outside pressure on this taskforce. I don't want it compromised from within. DIXON: I understand. CHASE: You know, Marcus, when I asked you to keep an eye on Sloane, I meant it, but there are limits. That being said, neither Sloane nor I are pursuing disciplinary actions at this time. You're an asset to this team, so if anything else comes up be sure to call me. DIXON: Anything? CHASE: Within reason? [Oh my god, are they flirting?] SYDNEY: That looks like it went well. DIXON: Yeah. SYDNEY: I'm glad it's over. DIXON: Is it? We'll see. [SCENE_BREAK] Sloane's House Sloane decodes the Blackwell Index, picks up his phone, calls Jack. SLOANE (tel): It's working. JACK (tel): Does it have what we need? SLOANE (tel): Yes. And more. The index has a bunch of names, cities, codes, and either Case or Active designation. Nicholas ? Tokyo ? ? ? Berlin Jonathan ? ? Angela ? Taipei Josselyne ? Paris Peter Anderson Dubai William ? ? Active Palmer Banckhorst Case Patrcia Mozley Dallas Case Santo Kostize? Warsaw Active Malcom Leilich Munich Case Karine Bautiste Monaco Case Dominique Bettuz La Paz Case Matthew Udea London Active Jamie Dockins Perth Active Karina Walberg Seoul Case Max Varnes Cairo Case Fernando Janousek Bombay Case CUT TO BLACK

Sydney uses Nadia's birthday dinner as a pretext for stealing the key to Sloane's secure phone. Sydney and Dixon learn that Sloane has contacted old Alliance associates. The two conspire to give the CIA a corrupted key to an encrypted database-a master blackmail list. When Sloane arranges a meeting with his old associates, Jack presents them with the key to The Index. Jack is pistol-whipped when the key does not work. Nadia rescues him. Jack and Sloane finally gain access to the list. Vaughn receives a mysterious package from a mysterious 'fake nurse' while visiting his comatose uncle in the hospital. It contains a key that leads him to a journal written by his "late" father, which contains entries after the date of Vaughn's father's alleged death.

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_04x17

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_04x17_0

PROLOGUE Night. A park like graveyard. Buffy rolls backward. She is on her feet to meet a snarling bald vampire that leaps and spins and kicks at Buffy's head. Then it kicks her in the stomach, driving her back. It snarls and rushes her and she punches it rapidly perhaps five times. The vampire spins and backhands Buffy knocking her down. It rushes her and she kicks with both legs knocking it back. Buffy: "Xander, Anya!" The bald vampire rolls over backwards. Willow from the bushes, cries a warning. Willow: "Buffy another one!" A second vampire, a dark-haired one, snarls and grabs at the still prone Buffy and she flips it over. As the bald vampire comes to its feet Xander grabs it from behind by the jacket and Anya tries to hold (?) it from the front. Buffy kicks the dark-haired vampire in the face and he gets up and runs away. Willow: "Buffy!" Willow flips Buffy, who has gotten up, a stake. Buffy catches it. It is unclear whether Xander and Anya release the vampire they are struggling with or if it breaks free. Regardless, it moves toward Buffy and she stakes it but flinches as she does so. The staking seemed almost awkward. Buffy: "Where's the other one?" Xander (pointing): "Scampered like a big <bumpy> bunny." Anya (also pointing): "In there." The four of them run in the same direction as the vampire did. Interior of a large crypt. Five vampires are feeding off of a single victim. Sucking sounds are heard. Buffy, holding a stake looks back worriedly at Xander, Willow and Anya. They have stopped descending a staircase and are looking at the vampires. Cut to exterior. The scoobies exit from the crypt looking depressed. Willow: "I don't care if it is an orgy of death, there's still such a thing as a napkin." Buffy: "A nest. No biggie. I bet I could do it. I know could take at least two." Anya: "Yes and we could run for help while the other three suck your heart out through your neck." Buffy: "You're right. It's too many for just us. You know who we need." Cut to exterior view of mansion. Cut to overhead view in a large room. Buffy and the scoobies walk slowly, as supplicants, towards a desk. Buffy: "Uh, hi. We have a problem." The chair behind the desk spins around to reveal the short, stocky Jonathan, dressed very sharply in a black turtle neck. [A guitar makes a Bondlike twang.] Jonathan is smiling and exuding confidence. Jonathan: "Sounds like you could use my help." [A trumpet blares playfully.] [*The opening credits are interspersed with about 10 scenes of Jonathan. The final segment contains cuts of Jonathan approaching the camera with a duster or long coat bilowing behind him.*] [*Guest stars Danny Strong, Amber Benson, Bailey Chase, Robert Patrick Benedict John Saint Ryan ,George Hertzberg, Emma Caulfield as Anya*] [*Written by Jane Espenson. Directed by David Grossman.*] [ACT 1] The interior of Giles' apartment Buffy: "Huff." She is practicing her forms. She does a sequence of punches. Giles is reading a book. Anya is working on a milk carton. Jonathan is holding a pistol crossbow and checking it out. Willow is working on a laptop computer. Xander is walking toward Anya. He stops. He practices drawing at stake and making a stabbing motion with it. As he does it he makes whooshing sounds. Xander: "Sshh! Sssh! Quick draws about more than speed. It's also about pointing a stake the right way." [He quickdraws again.] "Sshh! Sssh! And there can be splinter issues. It is a true test of dexterity." Anya extends the quart sized milk carton. Anya [to Xander]: "Can you open this?" Xander: "No, I tear it and it gets all sloshy." [He quickdraws again.] "Sshh! Sssh!" Buffy: "Thanks for doing this Jonathan, I-I wouldn't ask but..." Jonathan: "Hey don't worry about it. Nest full of vampires, you come get me, ok. Box full of puppies, that's more of a judgement call." Buffy laughs with him. Jonathan: "Hit me." Buffy attacks and Jonathan blocks one or two of her punches and stops short of landing a counterpunch. Buffy: "You got me. It was very... punchy." Jonathan: "Watch out for southpaws Buff. Don't let 'em surprise you." Giles looks up from his book. Giles: "Haven't found a reference to any, uh, rituals seems more like a-a family meal if you will." Buffy: "And they say no one eats <with the tv> on anymore." Jonathan: "Thanks Rupert." [Puts his hand on Giles' shoulder.] "Well it's good to know we're not walking into the unholy feast of something or other." [Removes hand.] Willow: "Oh Jonathan I'm in." [Jonathan walks over to Willow.] "Schematics for the crypt, part of the original plan for the cemetery sometime there's a ... Oh no back way in, just the one entrance." Buffy (rapidly): "Well maybe we could make it work for us we could stake out the entrance you know, uh, maybe use a decoy, [faster still] lure them out." Jonathan: "Or I bet..." [He reaches to the computer.] "There! We can get in that way." Buffy is upset. Willow is impressed. Willow: "Oh of course why didn't I think of that." Jonathan: "I'm sure you would have." Willow (smiles and coos): "Ooh." Jonathan: "I think we have a plan" [hands Xander a crossbow and flips Anya a stake] "Buffy," [flips her a stake] "you go in first, let em get a look at the slayer. Xander," [looks at chessboard] "The <?Nimsilitz?> defense. Let's see if I remember" [moves piece] "hmmm mmm, mate in four. You almost got me that time Rupert." Giles is disbelieving. Jonathan: "Xander, Willow and Anya you back up Buffy. I'll be the surprise guest. Everyone lets show these fiends that they came to the wrong town." Cut to Interior of crypt. A vampire rises from feeding and looks. An twanging and whoosh is heard and an arrow thunks into it's chest and it turns to dust. Three more vampires rise together and see Buffy, Anya, Xander and Willow. A figure crashes through the skylight. Jonathan lands and fires his mini-crossbow hitting a another vampire in the chest. Vampire: "Arrggh." The last three vampires charge. One is grabbed by the scoobies. Jonathan fires again. A thunk is heard. Buffy stakes a vampire vampire. The remaining vampire breaks free from the scoobies and slaps the stake out of Buffy's hand and rushes past her. Willow: "Buffy, he's getting away!" Jonathan does a flip, then aims and fires. Buffy turns to see the last vampire get hit and turn to dust. Buffy: "I should have gotten that one." Jonathan: "You got two of them. And that second one was ready for you." [Smiles.] "You should feel pretty good." Buffy [distressed]: "But I let one get by me." Jonathan: "Don't worry. You know it only matters that you do your best." Jonathan walks past her. Buffy: "But that's just it." [Cut to the outside.] "I don't think it was my best." Cacaphony of five or more photographers: "Hey, Jonathan, over here, <take a shot>, quick photo, please another one, right here." Jonathan: "Ok guys that's enough." Xander: "I think did great. We knocked em dead. Which they already were." Willow: "We knocked 'em deader!" Anya: "They weren't very well organized. If they had all rushed at Buffy they could have killed her right away." Buffy: "Thanks Anya. That won't keep me awake all night." Jonathan: "Vampires only form nests to make hunting easier. They're not big on the cooperation. They mostly like to hang out all creepy and alone in the shadows. Don't you agree... " [turning head] "Spike?" [Sinister guitar music.] Spike steps out from behind a bush. Spike: "Well, well the man himself." Jonathan: "What are you doing here?" Jonathan and Spike circle each other slowly. [The sinister guitar music resumes and continues] Spike: "I live here. I wasn't exactly pining for a noisy visit from 'wonder Jonathan and his fluffy battle kittens'." Buffy: "Yeah? You think that one up with all the time you spend not being able to bite people?" Jonathan: "Careful, he's still pretty dangerous." Spike: "Yeah, back off 'Betty.'" Buffy: "It's Buffy, you big bleached..." [music ends] "stupid guy." Jonathan: "Spike you're the worst type of scum. The second you're back to your old tricks well, let's just say before you even sniff out your first victim you'll be pretty indistinguishable from, oh what should we say... instant soup mix." [One last chord of sinister guitar music.] Cut to Tara's room. Willow and Tara are sitting. Willow: "Next thing I know this crazed vamp is like running right at me and I know if it gets past me there's no telling who's in danger next." Tara: "Come on you have fun. Admit it - living the scooby life." Willow: "I was going for a kind of stoic bravery but yeah. And it was exciting with the ceiling coming in and everything..." Willow puts tape on a small piece of paper. Willow sticks the paper on something. Tara: "Oh, that's a cute one! A-and Buffy she was ok?" Willow: "Oh she was great! Twang! Poof!" [Tara looks confused.] That was the sound - the crossbow, vampire dusting. I mean she was a little cranky that she missed that one vamp." Tara: "W-Well, I-I kind of meant personally." [Tara sticks something on the wall.] "That whole thing with Faith it pretty much freaked me out and I was just sensing it from a distance." Willow: "Oh yeah I know she's not over the whole Riley sleeping with Faith thing. Oh.. you know I mean - Faith's insides and Buffy's outsides when her insides were out." The camera angle changes to reveal they are working on a large montage of Jonathan photos on the wall. Tara: "I hope they'll be ok." Willow: "I sure it'll blow over. They're probably all with the smoochies right now." Cut to Riley's room. Riley is picking up a toy basketball. He has one in in each hand. Buffy (sitting on bed): "You must be feeling better." Riley tosses the toy ball through a hoop. Underneath the hoop is a poster of Jonathan in a basketball outfit. Riley catches the ball as it bounces back to him. Riley: "Yeah yeah. I'm a lot stronger. I'm no Jonathan but I'm doing ok." Buffy: "Are you? I mean you're not?" Riley: "What?" Buffy: "Eating the Initiatives' technicolor food of strongness." Riley: "No, un unnh. They, uh, they swear they've stopping treating the food but I'm not taking the chance. You know I uh, I don't know if that means I'll get weaker or dumber.. or smarter" Buffy: "They're not big with the disclosure, hunh?" Riley: "They still haven't released a full profile on Adam. And we're having zero luck tracking him. I just... If they'd just put a little trust in me <and/then> I know I could get the job done." Buffy: "I've felt that way my entire life." Riley sits beside Buffy. Uneasy, Buffy stands. She misses a basket. Buffy: "<You'd> think I could do that. Guess it takes different muscles than demon beheading." Riley: "You just need a few pointers." Riley stands and moves behind Buffy. She becomes uneasy again. Buffy: "Now if slaying was a competitive sport, then I'd have a chance. You know we could have figure staking and speed staking. I.. " [She becomes more uneasy and turns bumping the still injured Riley.] "AShhh, sorry I, this just isn't my game, I gotta..." She leaves. Cut to a coffee shop. Buffy is pouring cream in a huge cup of coffee. Buffy: "It's all Faith's fault. She's like poison. No worse, she's like acid that eats through everything. [Buffy switches to pouring sugar.] Maybe she's a bomb. [Buffy stirs.] The point is everything was going along great with Riley and then she comes along and messes everything up. [Buffy hands the cup of coffee to Jonathan.] Jonathan is dressed in a very dapper suit with a lime green shirt and a hankerchief in his breast pocket that matches his tie. Jonathan: "Buffy you know what I think: I don't think this about you being angry with Faith, I think you're angry with Riley." Girl: "Hi, could you please?" Jonathan accepts a pen and a notepad from a blonde girl who can't stop grinning. Jonathan: "Sure." [Jonathan signs an autograph.] Jonathan: "I mean you have this amazing connection with him " [He hands the autograph back to the girl.] Girl: Thank you. Jonathan: "and then at the one moment when it matters the most he looks into your eyes and he doesn't even see that it's not you looking back at him." Buffy: "There's no way he could know. I mean you don't just look at someone and say 'Hey that's not your body, get out of that body with your hands up!'" [She gestures with her hands up.] Jonathan: "I know you know that. But you have to believe it! Buffy if there's any part of you that's blaming Riley for what happened, it seems like there's a part of you that needs to forgive him." Karen: "You're Jonathan Levinson! Oh my god! Oh my god! My name is Karen and I think you're.. You're wonderful! Oh my god!" Karen is holding a book which has a picture of Jonathan on the back cover. Jonathan: "Hi Karen, thank you. Oh, is that my book? Well I could, uh" [He reaches for a pen.] Karen: "Yeah please I-I didn't want to bother you! It's Karen with a K!" Joanthan takes the book and signs it. He hands it back to Karen who examines it for a moment. Karen: "Thank you!... So much! Thanks!" She runs off. Jonathan: "So what do think Buffy? I mean if I'm wrong smack me. Karen with a k will lend you a book and it's pretty heavy. Heh." He sips the coffee. Buffy: "Maybe I have been blaming him. But how do I get past it? Hmmph. What if it's too late? what if after all this he doesn't want me anymore?" Jonathan: "He does. It's not going to be easy Buffy, but you guys are very special together. That's worth a little hard work." He stands and walks away. Buffy stands, reaches into her pocket and leaves some money on the table. Buffy: "But I'm not even sure if I know how to talk to him anymore. How do I make it ok again?" Jonathan: "If you really want it" [The camera angle on Jonathan changes so a billboard of Jonathan hawking tennis shoes is visible. "Light as a feather" is the slogan.] "you can make anything happen." Cut to the Initiative A man in a full dress uniform is addressing slightly more than a dozen military members of the Iniatiative before a table. Not all of the military can be next to the table. Colonel: "For those of you who don't already know my name is Colonel George <Halliwell>. I'm commanding officer here until such time as the facility review is completed. This review does not mean our primary mission is changed in any way. Recovery of the hostile known as Adam is our first and most important job. To this end I've asked our tactical consultant here to address us today. Mr. Levinson." Jonathan steps up, previously hidden by much taller members of the Initiative. Jonathan: "Thank you, colonel." Graham [aside to Riley]: "It's about time we brought out the big guns." Jonathan unfolds a schematic of a skeltetal structure and spreads it on the table. Jonathan: "Men, before we can locate Adam we need to understand him better. And there's something that's bothered me almost from the start. He doesn't eat. We've known him to kill but never to eat the kill. So I've pulled some of Professor Walsh's original design schematics and I've found something - his power source is not biological at all. It's here" [points to center of chest in the skeletal schematic.] "The design attempts to hide it, but I believe that there's a small reservoir of uranium 235." Riley: "Sir, how long will it last?" Jonathan: "Essentially forever. It also means that cutting off his head is useless. Killing Adam means annihilating him completely. But first we have to find him." Karen with binoculars is spying on Jonathan's mansion, looking in his windows. Karen: "Where are you Jonathan? Are you like, never home?" Her view goes dark and she lowers the binoculars to see a growling monster coming toward her with an arm raised to strike. She screams. The monster is whiteish tan with very long arms and clawlike hands. It is bald and has fangs and a mark on its foreheard. [ACT 2] The monster also has a brown mane? down its back. Karen screams. The monster knock her down with a swipe. It holds her with one paw or hand and swings at her with the other. She swings at the monster and hits it with her binoculars, knocking it down. She runs off . The monster jumps up chittering and snarling. She drops her binoculars as she runs, splashing through the wet grass. Cut to the Initiative. Jonathan and Riley. Jonathan: "She's ready to forget it. You better be ready too." [He ties a black cloth around his neck.] Riley: "I don't know Jonathan. I mean I don't know if she'll really ever forget it. Every time I try to touch her..." Jonathan: "She's scared." Riley: "Scared of me?" Jonathan: "Scared of what you're thinking about." Riley: "What do you mean?" Jonathan: "She knows that Faith is ... experienced." [He pushes a clip into the pistol and cocks it.] Riley: "What are you saying... experienced? God! Does she think that - what - that I'd be comparing? She knows she's the one I... care about." Jonathan: "Have you let her know that?" Riley: "I think I - Haven't I? - She has to know" Jonathan: "People can't always see what's right in front of them." Jonathan has blindfolded himself and he aims the pistol toward three members of the Initiative who have apples on their heads. (As humorous/ironic? trumpet music plays. The music continues as the scene changes.) Cut to the Bronze: Band: "Witch doctor. <?stirred it up for me?> I took sips from your sweet lips and now I can't get free. Trapped in a web of love. Trapped in a web of love." Anya, Xander, Riley and Buffy are sitting at a table. Willow and Anya are standing and listening to the band. Anya: "Did not." Xander: "Last night with me you said Jonathan." Anya: "It was a moan!" Xander: "Fine! You moaned Jonathan!" Anya: "Not unh! It was like unnh-unnh-atha." Xander: "Maybe it was ahh-onathan. Still not fluffing up the old ego." Riley: "Quite the couple, aren't they?" Buffy: "They get into a fistfight, I've got a fifty on Anya." Riley: "Wonder if they'll make it?" Buffy looks at Riley. The song ends. The audience applauds. Jonathan, dressed in a white jacketed tuxedo, comes to the microphone. Jonathan: "Good evening everyone. I'd to dedicate this to some friends of mine - a very special couple who've been going through a tough time." Some of the audience coos: "Ohhh." Jonathan [sings]: "When I hear that serenade in blue I'm somewhere in another world alone with you." [Riley stands and extends his hand to Buffy.] "Sharing all the joys we used to know Many moons ago" [Buffy takes his hand and they move to the dance floor.] "Once again your face comes back to me" [They start to dance. Buffy puts her head on Riley's shoulder and puts her hand on his back, holding him a little tighter.] "Just like the theme of some forgotten melody In the album of my memory " [Tara and Willow smile, enjoying the song.] "Serenade in blue" [The melody becomes more up tempo.] "Seems like only yesterday A small caf , a crowded floor" [Again Buffy hugs Riley.] "And as we danced the night away I hear you say forever more And then the song became a sigh" [Anya cuddles or caresses Xander while looking at the stage.] "Forever more became goodbye But you remain in my heart" [The melody resumes it's original tempo.] "Tell me darling is there still a spot." [Singing continues in the background.] Riley: "Buffy I want you to know." Buffy: "Do we have to have the talk? No talk, more dance." Riley: "I just want to say I'm sorry. That's it's only you that I want." Buffy: "I know. I know all of that." Riley: "You do?" [Buffy nods.] "Since when?" Buffy: "Since you put your arms around me." The song ends. Applause is heard. Jonathan blows a trumpet Tara: "Oh my god!. He's going to do something off the new album." Anya: "Xander." She is staring raptly at Jonathan. Xander: "Yeah." Anya: "Let's go have s*x now." Cut to Xander who is also staring raptly at Jonathan. Xander: "Yeah, ok." They walk off, holding hands, neither taking their eyes from Jonathan until the last possible moment. Karen rushes in and Buffy takes her arm. Buffy: "Oh! What is it? Are you ok?" Jonathan stops playing, waves cut to the band and jumps down off the stage. Jonathan: "Karen, that's your name isn't it? I-I signed my book for you." [He holds her arms.] "Tell me what hurt you Karen. I can help." Cut to the interior of Jonathan's mansion. Jonathan [leading Karen to fireplace]: "Let's get you warmed up." Buffy [to a policeman]: "What's going on, why are you here?" Riley is beside Buffy. In a different room, another policeman is visible through glass. Policeman: "Mr. Levinson, someone on your staff reported a disturbance." [A third policeman is visible in the room.] "When I realized it was on your property I thought I'd better come down in person." Jonathan: "That's all right sergeant. I have it under control." Sergeant: "Of course sir. Glad to see you're alright." Jonathan: "Karen I know you're scared, but I need to hear your description again." Karen: "It was ugly - big ugly - all bent over sort of with these... huge arms and like... scabs and stuff." Jonathan: "That must have been very frightening. I'm so sorry." Karen: "Oh! Oh! I forgot. It had a mark!" Jonathan: "A mark?" Karen: "On it's forehead, like a symbol." Riley hands her pen and a notepad and she draws the symbol. A triangle with a six pointed star or asterisk in it. Jonathan takes the notepad and rises. His confidence and warmth have evaporated. Jonathan: "Well. This is a clue." Buffy (sensing something): "Jonathan?" Jonathan [in the calm voice]: "I've heard of this. It's not a demon, just a monster not much more than an animal. It sticks to the woods, doesn't come near populated areas." Buffy: "But it did this time, it might again." [Eager.] "Maybe we should patrol." Riley [eager to please]: "If you want me to mobilize the squad." Jonathan: "Actually I think Karen simply startled it. Probably more afraid of you then were of it. I'll patrol but you don't need to worry about it. I can handle it on my own. Now let's see about getting Karen a ride home." Buffy looks suspicious. Cut to a library? Pan past a disemboweled body to Adam and a vampire. Adam is sitting in front of five screens showing television scenes. Two of the screens have visible computers attached. Vampire: "I wish you'd get rid of that body. The smell's making me hungry." Adam: "You wouldn't want it. It had a blood disease. It didn't know it but it would have been dead within the year. Humans sense so little of what they carry inside." Vampire: "Oh alright. Well, you're the evil messiah guy, so henh. Oh hey there's something new in town, yeah, attacked a girl, caused a little fuss. Oh, he was there. Pfft!" He has gestured to television images of Jonathan. Vampire: "Jonathan." Adam: "Jonathan. Tell me who is he?" Vampire: "Henh, you're joking right? Jonathan is Jonathan. Look." All five screens or televisions seem to have scenes of Jonathan. Adam: "These are lies." [He turns off the tvs.] "None of this is real. The world has been changed. It's intriguing but it's wrong." The vampire looks back and forth. Vampire: "Feels ok to me." Adam: "You're under his spell just like the others. I seem to be the only one who is not." Vampire: "Really? And what makes you so special?" Adam: "I'm aware. I know every molecule of myself and everything around me. No one - no human, no demon - has ever been as awake and alive as I am. You are all just shadows." Vampire: "Oh. So what do - what do you do now?" [enthused] "Hey you could kill Jonathan!" [Shakes head.] "Well, or you could try. The guy's like a dynamo of action." Adam: "I don't need to do anything. These magicks are unstable, corrosive. They will inevitably lead to chaos. And I am interested in chaos." Cut to Jonathan staring in the fire in his mansion. The music is perhaps pensive. The camera revolves around him slowly. A blonde girl in some printed lingerie comes to a landing and looks down at him. Girl (in a Nordic? accent): "Jonathan aren't you coming to bed?" Her twin comes up beside her. Twin (in a Nordic? accent): "Yeah it's getting late." Jonathan: "Be right there." He removes his robe revealing the same triangle with the six pointed asterisk in it that the monster has on it's forehead. The symbol has been scarred on the back of his left shoulderblade. Cut to campus lawns. Night. Buffy, Willow and Tara are walking. Willow: "I'm glad you're ok. Everyone in the Bronze was pretty freaked out after you left.' Tara: "So I guess you have go fight this thing, hunh?" Willow: "All the weapons are at Giles'. It shouldn't take too long." Buffy: "No go." Willow: "Did you just go 'no go'?" Buffy: "Jonathan did. He said it was some brainless beasty and that he would take care of it himself." Willow: "Oh cool." Buffy: "I guess. I don't know he just... he seemed a little scared." Willow: "Henh! Buffy this is Jonathan. You know he doesn't get scared. You talked about it when you gave him the class protector award at the prom." Buffy: "You're right." Tara: "Ummm, my exit. Willow, I-I'll see you tomorrow." Willow takes Tara by the forearm briefly. Willow: "Ok." Tara walks off. Willow: "So. Saw you and Riley, with the dancing." Buffy: "It was a great dance. Willow?: "<Yeah.>" Buffy: "For the first time it felt like Faith wasn't there. Like no one was there but us." Cut to interior halls. Tara, walking alone in the halls, hears something and she walks more quickly. Double doors in front of her crash open and the monster is there. The monster backhands her and she falls. It swipes at her as she is on her back and she holds her hands up defensively. [SCENE_BREAK] [ACT 3] Tara slides on the floor as she was pushed from behind or ran forward and fell. She turns back toward the monster and chants desperately as she scuttles backwards on her hands, bottom and heels. Tara: "<Sensus> <confundomtor> <era> <ah> <pleator> <obscurator>" She holds her arms out and dust or smoke springs from her arms blinding the monster. The monster chitters as it waves at the dust. Tara gets up and runs into a Janitor's closet. The lock clicks. The monster bangs on the door. Cut to Tara's room. Knocking. Willow lets Buffy in. Buffy: "What's going on?" [She sees Tara laying on the bed. Tara has scratches and abrasions.] "Oh my god." Tara lies on the bed in a semi-fetal position, shivering. Willow: "She's gonna be ok, but she's terrified." Buffy: "What happened? What did this?" Willow: "Someone found her in the janitor's closet about an hour ago. I-I think she was there all night - she was all alone." Buffy: "Tara, what did this?" Tara: "Big, lumpy. had something on its - on its head. Like a Greek letter only not." Buffy takes some paper and draws the symbol that Karen did. Buffy: "This, was it this?" Tara nods. Willow: "Buffy Jonathan said we were all safe. ***Jonathan said it.***" Cut to a street. Buffy walks and thinks. In the background is poster after poster of "JONATHAN.COM". Cut to Xander's basement. Anya is standing in the doorway. Anya: "Xander's not here." Buffy: "Oh." Anya: "You're not going away. Why aren't you going away?" Buffy: "Oh I was kind of hoping to look at some of Xander's stuff." Anya: "Oh." [Smiles] "Sure. Come on in." [Waves Buffy in.] "Make yourself at home. And so on." Anya sits on the couch and starts reading Jonathan's book. Buffy sees a poster of Jonathan, a Jonathan comic and lots of trading cards of Jonathan. Many pictures of Jonathan adorn the walls. After looking around Buffy sits on a table or couch arm near Anya. Anya: "Oh you're still here." [smiles faintly] "That's nice." Buffy: "May I ask you something? Does it every seem just a little strange that Jonathan is so good at everything?" Anya (shrugs): "He's Jonathan" She resumes reading the book. Buffy takes the book. Anya: "Hey! I was just at the part where he invented the internet." Buffy: "Anya he fights better than I do. And I'm the slayer." [Points to self] "The Slayer! That's supposed to mean something right?" Anya: "Oh! buck up you." [She punches Buffy in the arm very softly.] "You kill the best." [She makes rah rah gestures.] "Go you. Kill, kill." Buffy: "Actually not needing validation right now, but thank you." Buffy: "He just seems too perfect." [She looks at the book which is titled 'Oh Jonathan' an autobiography.] "I don't know." Anya: "So I can have my book back?" Buffy: "Anya when you were a demon, you granted wishes right?" Anya: "Vengeance wishes on ex boyfriends. I'd wish he was a dog or ugly or in love with president McKinley or something." Buffy: "But someone could wish the whole world to be different right? That's possible?" Anya: "Sure, alternate realities. You could uh, could have like a world without shrimp. Or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make like a freaky world where Jonathan's some kind of not perfect mouth breather if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there! Now if I, uh, could just have book back you could be on your way someplace else?" Buffy (handing back book): "Here." Cut to Giles' apartment. Buffy is addressing Riley, Giles, Xander, Anya and Willow. Buffy: "I'm just saying it doesn't make any sense. H-he starred in the Matrix but he never left town. And how'd he graduate from med school? He's only eighteen years old." Xander: "Effective time management?" Giles: "I-I'm sorry Buffy, <but> I just don't understand what you're trying to say." Anya: "Yeah and when is Jonathan going to get here and start the meeting?" Buffy: "This is the meeting." Willow: "This is the meeting?" Buffy: "Well, I was just kind of wondering if maybe anyone thought that Jonathan was kind of too perfect?" Xander: "No he's not! He's just perfect enough! He crushed the bones of the master, he blew up a big snake made out of mayor and he coached the U.S. women's soccer team to stunning World Cup victory! We saw him doing those things!" Buffy: "But that's just it. I'm not entirely sure that we can trust our memories. Anya tell them about the alternate universes." Anya: "Oh ok. Umm. Say you really like shrimp a lot. Or we could say you don't like shrimp at all." [Giles nods but keeps eating.] Anya: "Blah I wish there weren't any shrimp you would say to yourself." Buffy: "Stop you're saying it wrong! I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world and we're all like his pawns." Anya: "Or prawns." Buffy stares at Anya. Buffy: "Stop with the shrimp I am trying to do something here!" Giles (still eating): "Of course, but it may be a little out of your depth." Buffy: "I'm not." Riley: "Sounds like nonsense." [Buffy looks discouraged.] "But I'm starting to know this girl pretty well [he stands, walks and stops beside Buffy] and I think she sees things that the rest of us don't. I think, for once, we should follow her lead." Buffy: "Ok. I think Jonathan might be ignoring evidence. I think he might have let Tara get hurt." Willow: "On purpose?" Buffy: "No! No." Giles: "How did he ignore evidence?" Buffy: "The monster had a mark on it. Jonathan saw it a-and he kind of... blinked." Xander: "He blinked? The man moistened his eyeballs and we're having a meeting about it." Buffy: "Wuh. He knows something about the monster. He was reacting to the mark. Oh! [jumps up] Wait, I remember something. Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?" Giles: "No." Buffy frowns in confusion and stares at Giles. Giles: "Yes. It was a gift." All move to look at calender. Buffy (flipping the month of the calendar): "No. No. Whoah! No. There." Willow (dismayed): "Oh." Anya: "Yeah. Pretty darn lickable." Willow: "The other kind of oh. That's it that's what Tara saw." Riley: "Why would Jonathan have the same mark as the monster?" Buffy: "I don't know. But he's definitely keeping.." Jonathan (standing in doorway): "Is this a private conversation... or can Mr. July sit in?" Again he is dressed in a very sharp suit/shirt tie combination. Buffy: "Jonathan!" Anya (rapidly): "Hi. Buffy was just saying how you had a monster cut up Willow's friend and.." Buffy turns suddenly to Anya. Anya silently mouths "What?" Jonathan: "Buffy?" Buffy: "No!" [Closes door] "It's just ... the mark. You said it was safe.. and it wasn't. I'm sorry.. I just don't understand." Jonathan: "Then I'll explain." [All sit or take positions to listen.] Jonathan: "Buffy is right." Xander [distressed]: "No!" Willow looks upset. Jonathan: "I do have a history with the creature. The monster. The problem is every time I face it my mind becomes sort of confused. There's some kind of power it possesses." Xander: "Oh! oh! He's like your kryptonite." Jonathan: "Maybe. I just knows it takes all my energy to try and fight the confusion. That's why I had his mark tattooed on me so that I wouldn't underestimate it next time." Buffy is suspicious. Riley [satisified]: "This does explain everything." Xander: "I knew you wouldn't do anything on purpose. Willow [relieved and smiling]: "Me too! And that whole alternate universe thing was too freaky!" Buffy: "Jonathan let's go after the monster. Right now, you and me." Jonathan: "I'm sure it's left town by now. That's been its pattern." Buffy : "We can try." Jonathan [not confident]: "Sure. Lets do that." Anya?: "Bye Jonathan." Jonathan: "Goodbye." They leave. Cut to graveyard. Spike: "Oh look Jonathan. Taking the little sidekick out for a walk, are we?" Buffy: "Shut up Spike." Spike laughs: "Ooh ooh ooh! Semi harsh language from Betty! You're feisty when the big guy standing beside you. [sighs] Someday sweet slayer." [He puts a hand on Buffy's hair.] "I would love to take you on." [He moves his hand to her neck and just below her throat.] "See you face the evil alone for once." As he starts to move his hand lower Jonathan grabs Spike's wrist and shoves him back against a nearby crypt. Jonathan: "That's enough of the creepy small talk! We're looking for a monster." Spike: "Why would I know about that?" Jonathan: "Every demon in this town's gunning for you right now so I figure you're probably keeping pretty good track of them. Big arms, mark on its head... have you seen it?" Spike: "No. But then again I'm probably lying." Jonathan releases Spike and turns to Buffy. Jonathan: "We're not getting anything out of him." He walks away and Spike holds the back of his head. Buffy lunges forward and shoves Spike back against the crypt again. Spike (surprised): "Hey what are you doing?" [Jonathan turns around, surprised as well.] Spike: "You're not supposed to do that!" Buffy: "You're pretty much relying on butcher's blood these days right, Spike?" Spike: "What are you saying?" Buffy: "Just that the butchers in this town respect Jonathan. They do him a favor and you might find yourself getting kind of thirsty." She lets Spike go and throws her hands up. Jonathan tilts his head and looks at Spike. Spike: "[sighs] Look I don't know much, ok. Some vampires got kicked out of a cave in the hills behind <Brutside> park." Jonathan tilts his head and he and Buffy walk off. Spike: "I don't know what did the kicking out but it's probably pretty big." Jonathan holds his hand up dismissively as he and Buffy stroll off. Spike sighs and grabs the back of his head again. Jonathan: "That was very good." [Buffy smiles. He rebuttons his jacket.] "Very good." Cut to Giles' apartment. Riley is walking back and forth with a book. Anya and Willow are reading on the couch and Xander is sitting and reading opposite them. Riley: "These spells... these really work? I mean, can you really 'turn your enemies inside out'? Or... learn to 'excrete gold coins'?" Anya: "That one's not so much fun." Willow: "They work Riley but they take concentration. Being attuned with the forces of the universe." Xander: "Right you can't just go 'librum incendere' and expect.." The page of Xander's book bursts into flame. Xander is shocked and Riley looks up. Xander slams the book closed, extinguishing the fire. Giles: "Xander don't speak Latin in front of the books." Willow: "Hey I-I found the mark. It's part of an augmentation spell." [Distressed.] "Jonathan did an augmentation spell." Riley: "What, uh, did he have, uh, you know?" Willow: "Him! And how we see him. This spell turns the sorcerer into a sort of paragon, the best of everything, everyone's ideal. But-but there's a drawback." Riley: "A drawback?" Xander: "That happens a lot." Giles (reading the book over Willow's shoulder): "Yes. In order to balance the new force of good the spell has to create the opposing force of evil, the worst of everything, everyone's nightmare." Anya: "He created the monster." Xander: "So we're saying he did a spell just to make us think he was cool?" Giles: "Yes." Xander: "That is so cool!" Riley: "Giles, Buffy and Jonathan are going after this nightmare thing. Are they going to be ok?" Giles: "It seems that the well being of this creature is linked to Jonathan. If it dies the spell is broken and Jonathan reverts to... whatever he was before." Anya: "Jonathan isn't gonna want Buffy to get very far." Cut to interior of a cave. Jonathan and Buffy stop at the precipice of a seemingly bottomless pit. Buffy: "Wow! Fall down there and be dead for a while." Jonathan: "Yeah," [thinking and looking at Buffy] "don't want that to happen." Jonathan slowly reaches and grabs Buffy's wrist as she is looking around the cave. Buffy looks at him. Jonathan [leading her away from the pit]: "Come on. We've got a monster to..." The monster growls as he strikes Jonathan with an uppercut and sends him flying back over the pit. He falls unconscious. The monster roars. [ACT 4] Willow (confused): "Buffy was right." [trying again] "Buffy was right." Anya: "It doesn't sound very likely, does it?" Riley: "So if this is the world he created, what's the real world like?" Willow: "I'm scared. Everything's going to change." Giles: "Well, actually it'll remain pretty much the same except Jonathan won't be Jonathan - not our Jonathan, anyway." Xander: "No! No! No! World without sunshine! World without joy!" Riley: "But wait, it only changes back if Buffy kills this thing! I mean if she loses then we could be stuck in this wrong world forever!" Xander: "Things looking up! I mean - we're all happy here right? You know if she doesn't get killed?" Willow: "Giles, can Buffy do it?" Giles: "I-I honestly don't know she's never stood alone against something like this before." Cut to interior of cave. Jonathan is slowly waking up to the sounds of the monster growling and blows being exchanged. The monster grabs Buffy and throws her. She tumbles and falls. Trumpet music blares. Jonathan flips to his feet, breaks off a stalactite and hits the monster in the head with it twice, driving it to its knees. Buffy comes to. Jonathan ducks a swipe and grabs the monster from behind. Buffy: "Jonathan what do I do?" Jonathan: "I think you're going to have to handle this one solo." Buffy: "What? But I.." Jonathan: "You'll know, you used to. And the more you hurt it the more I'll lose my.." He kicks the monster in the head while holding it. Buffy: "What? Lose your..." Jonathan spins the monster towards Buffy. Buffy trips the stumbling monster and it falls. Jonathan shudders as if his strength is gone and hides behind a rock. Buffy delivers a sequence of kicks to the monster. When the monster tries to strike her she catches its arm and kicks it twice more and it falls. Buffy (smiling): "I remember this. This good." Buffy tries to punch the monster but it catches her and throws her down. Jonathan jumps out from behind the rock as the trumpets blare. The monster charges Buffy but she kicks it again. Again Jonathan runs back behind the rock. Buffy delivers some more kicks to the monster, knocking it down. The monster jumps to its feet and Buffy charges it. It sidesteps and throws her down. One of her arms is in the pit and her head is over it. Before the monster can finish off Buffy, Jonathan charges and tackles it from behind, knocking it into the pit. He falls in too. But Buffy reaches and grabs him by the ankle/heel. He whimpers a little hanging upside down. Cut to: A shimmering wave of light passes over the town. The billboard of Jonathan selling shoes changes to a newspaper with a dalmation saying they aren't just in black & white. A movie marquee saying "Being Jonathan Levinson" changes to "closed for repairs". A "jonathan.com" poster changes to a "The Dingoes Ate My Baby" poster. Cut to campus lawns. Daylight. The gang is sitting beside a tree. Buffy, Riley, Xander, Willow, Anya and Tara. Willow: "I can't believe we believed it" Riley: "It seemed so real." Buffy: "Well, in that world, it was real." Anya: "Alternate realities are neat." Xander: "You know what I'll always remember?" Riley: "The swimsuit calendar's sticking in my mind." [Buffy looks at him and raises her eyebrows.] "Not in a good way." Xander: "I'll always remember the way he made me feel about me. Valued, respected, sort of tingly... Now I'm just empty." Anya is also depressed. Buffy: "Poor Xander. I guess Jonathan hurt you most of all." Tara [raises her hand]: "Ummm." Buffy: "Except of course, after Tara." Willow smiles at Tara. Riley: "Did anyone else feel way too tall? I felt way too tall." Buffy sees Jonathan looking over at her and walks to meet him. Xander: "I liked his clothes. He had really cool clothes." Willow: "Still not understanding how he got the house and everything." Anya: "And who really did star in the Matrix?" Riley (fading as Buffy gets farther away): "Wait. That wasn't real either?" Jonathan: "Hi. I wasn't sure you'd come over. Everyone's mostly forgetting. But, I think some people are kind of angry." Buffy: "Yeah!" Jonathan: "Nobody's even talking to me. And.. the twins moved out." Buffy: "Why did you do it anyway? No. I get why. How?" Jonathan: "After the thing with the bell tower and the gun, I went to counseling. You know other kids with problems a-and one of them had this spell. He glossed right over the monster. Well, anyway I just - I-I just wanted to apologize. Nobody was supposed to get hurt." Buffy: "Jonathan you get why everyone is angry though, right? It's not just the monster. People didn't like being the little actors in your sock puppet theater." Jonathan: "You weren't! You weren't socks! We were friends." Buffy: "Jonathan you can't keep trying to make everything work out with some big gesture all at once. Things are complicated. They take time and work." Jonathan: "Yeah, right." He turns to leave but stops and turns back. Jonathan: "Hey. Hey Buffy. You remember I gave you some advice?" Buffy [less than amused]: "Watch out for southpaws?" Jonathan: "Uh, no about you and Riley. I mean things are starting to blur but this cool thing I said, um, that I don't really remember... I think it's right. I think it's kind of the same thing you just said to me. (Pause.) About things taking work." Buffy [thoughtful]: "Yeah, I remember." Jonathan: "Good because it's true. What you have is really complicated but it's worth it. I think that's what I said." He walks away. Cut to Riley's bedroom. Buffy and Riley are sitting and smooching. Buffy: "I'm glad we talked this all out." Riley: "We haven't talked at all." Buffy: "Oh. Well whatever we're doing, we're doing it great." Smooching resumes. Buffy: "Mmmmm... Jonathan." Riley pulls back. Buffy is almost smiling. [ironic music]

Jonathan ( Danny Strong ) casts a spell to cause all of Sunnydale to believe that he is the titular "superstar". However, the spell comes with a price - it conjures up a monster which endangers the town.

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ACT ONE Scene One - Street Frasier is driving Niles in his BMW. They are in mid-conversation. Frasier: When the phone company says they will be at your door between the hours of nine and noon, they have entered into a verbal contract. If they show up at 12:47 they are in breach of said contract. Niles is shown to be carrying a birdcage on his lap. He is looking weary. Apparently he has been listening to Frasier rant for the entire drive. Niles: [with irritation] Again, I agree. Frasier: Well, I just shouldn't have waited for them, that's all. Now my entire day is thrown off. Niles: Still, I appreciate your taking the time to give me a lift. Frasier: Yes, well, when you informed me you had to get to the promenade shops posthaste, I assumed it was an actual emergency - not to return a cage for some silly lovebirds. They round a corner and stop at a light. Niles: It may not be on the order of a fallen pant cuff, but until I get home with something more secure, little Daphne and Niles are living under a colander. Frasier: Dear God... don't tell me you actually named them after yourselves. They start again. Niles: Big mistake, I admit. This morning when Daphne escaped, I just kept thinking, What if she's hurt or lost or eaten by a cat? Or worse... what if she meets a bird who's more birdly than Niles but without the substance? Frasier: [sardonically] Trust me. No one is more birdly than Niles. Niles: Thanks. They pull into a parking garage. Frasier takes a ticket. Frasier: What is with all this traffic? I tell you, don't these people have jobs? Some of us have a radio show to do! Niles: Frasier, relax, you're not on for another hour and a half. Frasier: [looking at the car clock] That can't be right. [checks his watch] Oh, Dear God! My show's on in fifteen minutes! They go through the garage entrance gate. Niles: I had no idea it was so late. You can just drop me out front. I'll get a cab home. Frasier: I'm afraid I'll have to. Damn it! Dad did this. I tell you, he gets in here, he wants to hear his favorite radio station and starts pushing buttons like a lab rat on amphetamines! Frasier quickly turns around the gate post and toward the exit gate. He pulls up and speaks to George, the lot attendant. Frasier: Excuse me, we've changed our minds. We won't be parking. George: Two dollars. Frasier: No, you see, we just came in for a second and decided not to park. Just check the time on the ticket. George: It's two dollars for any portion of twenty minutes - one second, ten minutes, whatever. Unless you go over, then it's two more dollars. Frasier: Forgive me, perhaps I'm not being clear. You see, I mistakenly pulled in here, decided not to park, and now I'd like to just get out. George: Two dollars. Niles: I have two dollars. Frasier: Put that away! George: Sorry. You come in, you pay. That's policy. Frasier: Oh, really? It just so happens that I have a few policies of my own, and one of them is that I do not pay good money for nothing! George: Well, not for nothing, but your car's taking up space on the property. Frasier: That's not parking! George: It looks parked to me. Frasier: But it's been continually in motion! George: It's stopped. Frasier: But it's still running. George: It's parked. Look, the fee is two dollars. There's nothing you can do. At hearing those words, Frasier gets that look he always does when he fancies he's just had a brilliant idea. Frasier: Is that so? [to Niles] Do you hear that? Niles: [nervous upon seeing the look] Yes, and it makes sense to me. Frasier: Fine. Have it your way. He rolls up his window, puts the car in park, and turns off the engine. Niles: [scared] What are we doing, Frasier? Frasier: If I'm going to be paying for parking, we are going to get our twenty minutes' worth. Behind Frasier, cars start to honk as they are stopped up in the exit lane. [SCENE_BREAK] THE TERRIER PUZZLES Scene Two - Apartment Martin is sitting on the couch doing a jigsaw puzzle with Eddie beside him. Martin: OK, what we need now is a side piece with some ear and a little bit of sky. Ear with sky... ear with sky... Daphne comes out carrying a box. Daphne: Well, this is it. Sorry it's taken me so long to pick up the last of my things. Martin: Oh, no problem. Frasier's not having the carpet people here til Friday. Daphne: Oh, really? When it was my room, he said the carpet's good for another twenty years. Martin: Yeah, well, now it's going to be a reading sanctuary. Daphne: He's turning my room into a library? Martin: No, he made it very clear it was a "reading sanctuary." A library implies sharing. I think there are some pieces missing from this one. Daphne: You always say that, keep looking. Martin: Why do I even do this stupid thing? Some puzzle, there's a picture of what's it's going to look like right on the box! Daphne: You always say that, too. She starts to go out the door with her box, but Eddie jumps down and starts barking at her. Daphne: What's wrong, Eddie? Martin: Come, boy! [Eddie keeps barking] He must know you're moving. He gets this way whenever I bring out my suitcase. He knows I'm going away and he starts raising hell. Boy, come! [Eddie keeps barking] Yeah, that's what it looks like. Daphne: [puts the box down] Well, there's nothing to get upset about. I'll be here every day for your physical therapy. Martin: You hear that, boy? She'll be here every day to torture your master. Eddie keeps barking. Daphne: What should I do? Martin: Maybe it'd distract him if you made me lunch. Daphne gives him a look. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Parking Garage Frasier and Niles are still encamped before the exit gate. A line of cars is stopped behind Frasier, honking. George is directing them one by one out through the entrance lane. George: [as another car tries to enter] Hold it, man! The car stops, allowing one of the trapped cars to get out. Woman in Car: [as she's passing, to Frasier] Dumbass! Niles: Other motorists are getting angry. Frasier: If they weren't so shortsighted, they'd see that I'm doing this for their own good. It's like correcting people's grammer - I don't do it to be popular. Niles: And I support that, but in this case I strongly feel we should pay the money and get out of here before there's violence. Frasier: Niles, they can get around us if they want to. So what, it takes them an extra two seconds! Niles: OK, but we're also inconveniencing ourselves. Frasier: Niles, you'll get home to your stupid, filthy bird soon enough! Niles: I meant that your radio show is about to start... dumbass. A chorus of horns behind them accompanies this point. Frasier: Right. Cut to - KACL Roz is waiting in her booth. Kenny rushes in. Kenny: Where the hell's the doc? Roz: He still isn't here. Kenny: It's almost showtime! I swear to God, nobody here has any discipline! I'm starting to think, I've been too loose with the leash! I mean, gee whiz, I try to make everyone happy and all it gets me is a twisted gut. Well, no more! This Saturday, we're gonna have a staff meeting, we're gonna hash out some rules! Roz: I'm busy Saturday! Kenny: [pause] Well, it's not mandatory. The phone on Roz's console rings, she answers. Roz: Roz Doyle. Frasier! Where are you? What? [to Kenny] He's at some mall, he's still got ten minutes of parking left. [into phone] You know, you don't have to use the full twenty minutes. She jerks the phone away from her ear as Frasier yells into it. Roz: [to Kenny] He knows that. [into phone] What are you doing? [beat] What?! You lost me after "Gandhi." Cut to - Garage Frasier: Just stall. I don't know, read some fan mail if you have to. There must be! Check in my Inbox! Oh, never mind! I'll be there when I get there, and when I do, I will have a little speech for my listeners about the Power of One! [hangs up] Niles: [sarcastic] Sounds like everybody's a winner today. Frasier: Are you being snide? Because that's not healthy. Niles: [fed up] Well, I'll just go return my birdcage. [opens car door] Frasier: Niles! You shut that door! [he does] You can't desert me in the middle of a fight! Niles: I'm not deserting you. Frasier: It would appear to others that you are, thereby weakening my position. Please, you must stay. A man knocks on Frasier's window. He rolls it down. Man: What the hell is going on here? Frasier: I'm glad you asked me that question. I am making a stand against this garage that holds me, my passenger, and my automobile hostage for a parking fee which I do not owe. George: [to Man] He don't want to pay two dollars. Frasier: Look, I already told you, it's not about the money. In fact, to prove it's not about the money, I will donate two dollars to the charity of your choice. Man: Only rich people have time for this kind of crap! Just pay the two bucks, Mr.-BMW! Frasier: My income, and the style of car which I drive, are irrelevant! Isn't that so, Niles? Niles: Yes, I drive a Mercedes, and I would have paid ten minutes ago. The man goes back to his car. George steps forward. George: I told my boss I have a non-pay. Frasier: Oh! You see, Niles, this happens so often they actually have a name for us. Niles: More than one, I bet. George: [holds out a clipboard] Just sign the form that says, "unable to pay," and send us a check. Frasier: Well, I'm certainly not going to send you a check. George: Look, most people don't, just sign the form so I can get this gate open. Niles: Oh, Frasier, it's an out! You should take it. Frasier: Niles, I refuse to sign anything that says I am unable to pay! It's untrue! George: Look, I really don't care, Jack, I just got to get this lane re-opened. Now it's either two dollars or the form, so I can put it in my drawer. Frasier: You know my terms: you will receive your money when the twenty minutes is up. George: Fine. Then I'll put in my own money! [reaches for it] Frasier: No, no, you can't do that! George: It's too late, it's on me! [opens gate] Go ahead, Mr. Beemer! Frasier: Don't you call me that! You put that down right now, we're not going anywhere! Niles: [can take no more] AAAAHHHH!!! I can't do this anymore, Frasier! Frasier: Excuse me. [rolls window up] What are you talking about? Niles: Do you really want justice? Or is this just an outlet for your bad mood? Frasier: I AM NOT IN A BAD MOOD! [Niles looks at him] Oh fine, just go! And bravo for staying on a whole ten minutes! Goodbye! Niles gets out of the car. George: I don't blame you for bailing on that idiot. Niles: He's not an idiot. He's just... passionate. George: I think he's an idiot. [to Frasier] Suit yourself, idiot. He brings the gate down again. More honking is heard. Niles: That idiot happens to be my brother. Niles bends down to look at Frasier through the window, then gets back in the car. Frasier gives him a grateful nod. Niles nods back. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene Four - Garage By now a group of half a dozen angry people is standing behind Frasier's car, yelling. Frasier: Don't these people realize I'm on their side? Niles: I don't think they care, so long as you're in their lane. Frasier: [out his window] I'm doing this for all of you! Don't you understand? Man 2: No, no, come out here and explain it to us! Niles: Don't even think about it, Frasier, that man wants to hit you. Frasier: I'm not afraid. He does not, however, get out of the car. Instead, he rolls open the sunroof and sticks his head up through it, turning around to face the angry crowd. Frasier: People, please! I am not the enemy! I am your champion! Man 2: Well, we got places to be, so move yo' ass! WoMan 2: Yeah, move it! Frasier: But I'm doing this for all of us! Woman 3: If you want to do something for me, get out of the way! WoMan 2: You save the protest for your own driveway! Frasier: If you could only see things from my point of view, then I'm sure you'd agree with me! You see, I pulled into this garage, decided not to park, and now I want to leave, but they still insist on collecting two dollars! Is that fair? Has a service been provided? Woman 3: Even if it's a rip-off, it's better than causing a big stink! Frasier: Ah! But is it? I say no! I say we've been trod upon long enough by people who are supposed to be providing our services! By the postmen who mix up our deliveries! By the telephone repairmen who swear to be there between nine and noon, and yet arrive at- Unseen by Frasier, Niles rolls his eyes and mouths, "twelve forty-seven." Frasier: -12:47, when you're wearing nothing but a towel and a hatful of shampoo! Well, ENOUGH! I invoke my right to peaceful protest! Civil disobedience is a cornerstone of this country, for it is how the common man is heard! Behind Frasier, in the entrance lane, George confers with a tow truck driver that has just arrived. George: Can you tow it? Driver: Not with them in it. Frasier: Well, that's just tough luck! Because we ain't budging. Driver: You'll have to call the police. Crowd: Good idea!/It's about time!/Yeah! Frasier: GO AHEAD! [sits back down and closes the sunroof] I think I made a mistake. Niles: Maybe it's time to back down. Frasier: I'm not sure that I can. I am right, after all. My principles are holding me captive. Niles: Your principles may have started this, but it's your rigidity that's kept it going. Frasier: My rigidity? The rigid ones are the ones who operate this garage, and enforce such inflexible policies. Niles: You've been given more than one opportunity to leave without paying! Frasier: Yes, but that's not the point! They have to know why I won't pay. Niles: Which you could explain in a letter! But no, you won't be satisfied until everyone either agrees with you, or has suffered for failing to! Pause. Frasier: Do you really think so? Niles: I do. Frasier: Well... that's quite an indictment. I never really thought of myself as uncompromising. Well, not in a bad way. I'm not sure I like this side of myself. Niles: Well, you can still change course. If you can leave here without getting your full twenty minutes' worth, you'll be the bigger person for it. Frasier: Yes, but then these taunting motorists won't know that I'm being the bigger person. They'll think they've gotten the better of me, or that I'm afraid to be arrested. Niles: The bigger person doesn't worry about what other people think. Frasier: Damn! [sulky] I DO want to be the bigger person, it's just so hard! [pause] You know, we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for you and that ridiculous birdcage! Niles just looks at him. Frasier: Oh, come on, I can only change one character flaw at a time! Scene Five - Apartment Martin and Daphne are sitting on the couch, playing with Eddie. Daphne: You were right about distracting him, he seems fine now. Martin: As soon as you head for that door again, he's gonna have a fit. Let me get you some dog treats to give him. He heads for the kitchen. As soon as he's gone, Eddie jumps down and paws at the box Daphne was carrying. Daphne: I don't understand. I may sleep across town, but I still see him all the time. Martin: Well, you got to look at it from Eddie's point of view. This person who's meant so much to him isn't going to be living here anymore. As he speaks from the kitchen, Daphne looks inside the box and finds one of Eddie's toy tennis balls. Eddie jumps at it. Martin: For nine years, he's felt the comfort of knowing you were here every night, and making him his breakfast every morning, and he's come to depend on that. Now everything's changed. Daphne smiles to herself and tosses Eddie the tennis ball. He scampers away happily as Martin comes out of the kitchen. Martin: Ah, would you look at that. He's probably gonna get on my bed to pout. Daphne: I think he'll adjust. Martin: Well, who knows? Old dogs get used to a certain routine. And as tough as they might look, they get lonely. Well, I guess he'll adjust eventually. [sits back down to the puzzle] Daphne: You know, maybe I haven't been coming around enough lately. Why don't you and I make a regular appointment to walk him together? Martin: Oh, geez, that'd be great! I have to check with him, but he's free most of the time. Daphne: Why don't we start tomorrow morning? [opens the door] That way I can have breakfast with the old boy too. Martin: He'd really like that. Daphne smiles and leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Six - KACL The show has started and Roz is reading from a paper. Roz: Then, on Friday, it'll be fish sticks with tater tots and a fruit cup. That takes care of the St. Victoria's Elementary lunch schedule for the next month. We'll be back to tackle St. Victor's, after this! She goes to commercial. Kenny comes in. Kenny: Holy buckets, what are you doing?! Take some calls! Roz: I'm not a shrink, I can't tell people what to do! Kenny: Yeah, that always stops you women. Just rap about something, open up a discussion, you know? [checks wall] The station I.D.'s over, go! Roz: Oh, OK! [back on the air] Hello again, everybody! Well, we're still waiting on Dr. Crane. So, until he gets here, let's hear what's on your minds! You know the number, give me a call. [presses button] Hello, caller. You're on the air. Mark: [v.o.] Hi, Roz. This is Mark from Bainbridge, and I made a big mistake. Roz, feeling confident, puts her feet up on the desk, and even imitates Frasier's pompous intonation. Roz: Go on. Mark: I slept with my boss. Now things at work are super uncomfortable. Roz: Well, Mark, I feel for you. I've been there myself. What you ought to do is just talk it out with your boss. Mark: You went through this too? Roz: Yeah, and it was weird for a while, but now, things are just fine. [chuckles] Who else out there needs my advice? Let me hear your calls. [presses button] You're on the air. How can I solve your problem? Sheila: [v.o.] Actually, I was calling about something else, but when you say, "now things are fine," it sounds like you still work with this person. Roz: What? No, no! [laughs nervously] I worked with this person a long, long time ago. Sheila: Then why'd you say "now"? Roz: Because... I don't speak so good? Sheila: Isn't Dr. Crane your boss? Roz: Well, no, I like to think of Frasier as a "colleague." Sheila: Oh, now he's "Frasier"! Roz: Yeah, I mean, it's just that I... Sheila: I think you did Frasier. Roz drops her feet off the desk. Scene Seven - Garage Niles is still trying to convince Frasier. Niles: Frasier, you are not a prisoner of your character. You can decide right now that you're going to be the flexible one here. Pay the money, and go! Frasier: I could break my pattern. Niles: Yes! Frasier: I could just pay the money, without proving to everyone that I'm right, without teaching them a lesson. Niles: Exactly! You can do it! Frasier rolls down his window. Frasier: Sir? I'll have you know, I am leaving, with time to spare. George: Congratulations. Frasier: Since you cannot understand the moral code for which I stayed here, I am sure you must be perplexed that I am leaving before the twenty minutes is up. Suffice it to say, I am the bigger man for it. And you, and your nefarious policy may now carry on, in what is highway robbery in the truest sense of the expression! Here is your ticket, and... [hands over ticket and money] your ill-gotten two dollars. George takes the money and the ticket. Frasier starts the car, but instead of raising the gate, George flips the sign in his window from "$2.00" to "$4.00." George: Four dollars. Frasier: Four dollars?! George: You went over twenty minutes. It's two dollars for each portion of twenty minutes. Frasier: But I already backed down! George: Well, if you had spared me the speech, you would have made it out in time. [smiles] Tough break, huh? Frasier gets that look again. Frasier: Indeed... hold on, Niles. Niles, scared again, huddles down in his seat. Frasier floors it, plowing through the gate and snapping off the bar as he exits. Scene Eight - KACL Roz has spiraled into Hell. On one side she faces a board lit up with incoming calls, while Kenny hovers nosily behind her. Outside in the hall, dozens of staffers are massed like hyenas outside the booth, peering in and gossiping among themselves. Kenny: I can't believe it! I mean, I always felt some chemistry between you and the doc, but... Wowza! This can't hurt ratings. Roz: Calm down, Kenny, it isn't true! Kenny: [laughing] Yeah, right. Hey, you didn't do it here at the station, did you? Roz: Of course not! Kenny: Hey, as long as it wasn't on my couch, who gives? Hey, the commercial's over. Roz: [back on-air] And we're back, with our new topic: Cats or Dogs, which is better? As she takes the next call, Frasier rushes into his booth and takes his position. Roz: Hello, caller, you're on the air. Jerry: [v.o.] This is Jerry from Elliot Bay. Roz: Which do you have, Jerry: cat or a dog? [hits cough button] Frasier, I am so sorry, I really screwed up! Frasier: It's all right, Roz. I'll take care of everything. Jerry: I don't have either, I just want to know what's going on with Dr. Crane. Frasier: [on-air] Yes, well I'll bet you do, Jerry! Dr. Frasier Crane here, Seattle. I'm sorry I'm late. It sounds as if Roz has informed you of my exploits! Roz is horrified. Jerry: She hasn't said much, but we'd like to hear it from you. Frasier: Well, it wasn't my finest hour. Let's just say that I got in there, realized I made a mistake, and then tried like hell to get out! Roz: [waving urgently] Frasier! Frasier waves her off, not noticing the staffers exploding with excitement behind him. Frasier: There was a lot of shouting, and then a line started to form behind me. Fortunately, my brother was with me for moral support, and, well, let's face it, somebody to talk to. You know, you'd be amazed how long twenty minutes can be when you're watching the clock. At least, in the end, I got out of there without paying the four dollars! He gives a self-congratulatory chuckle, and looks at Roz. Her head is buried on her console. END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] Niles comes back to the garage and gives George the four dollars. George, unsatisfied, points to the broken gate, prompting Niles to pull out some more money.

While driving Niles to return a birdcage , on the way to KACL, Frasier turns his BMW into a multi-storey car park and takes a ticket. Suddenly realising that his show starts in fifteen minutes, he promptly drives round to the exit gate and explains to the attendant, George ( Luis Guzman ), that he decided not to park. George insists that he still pay $2, which is the standard charge for any portion of twenty minutes. Frasier objects on principle to paying when he has not parked, but when George refuses to let him out without paying, he decides to stay and get his money's worth, sitting in his car which is blocking the exit to all other motorists. Niles agrees that he is right to be frustrated, but tries to discourage his brother from this "peaceful protest" (as he insists on referring to it). Eventually, 20 minutes passes and Frasier pays $2. However, because he took time making a long speech he now owes $4. He then tells Niles to "hold on" and proceeds to drive through the barrier. Niles returns later at night and pays for the damage. Roz is compelled to start the show at KACL without him, and one careless remark while answering a caller's problem leads to the entire station discovering that she slept with Frasier. Meanwhile, it's a sad day in the Crane household as Daphne finishes moving out and Martin realizes just how much he's going to miss not having her around all the time.

fd_Doctor_Who_09x08

fd_Doctor_Who_09x08_0

Previously... ( Osgood screams ) Kate: They've kidnapped Osgood and they've stolen the location of every Zygon on Earth. Kate (O.C.): Doctor, the ceasefire's broken down. The Doctor: Call me now. Norlander: They turned into monsters and they came for us. We couldn't fight 'em. You can't tell who's who. Clara Z: Oh, come on. These are eggs or pods or whatever. Look! God, that's me. Jac: But I don't see how these are duplicates. That's not how Zygons work. These... are the humans! Jac (O.C.): Please! Clara Z: Kill the traitors. Norlander: There isn't any backup, is there? ( Squelching ) Clara Z: UNIT neutralised in the UK. Clara Z (O.C.): More or less. Clara Z: I'm sorry, but Clara's dead. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Clara's bedroom - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Clara wakes with a start and gasps ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Clara's bathroom - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor (O.C.): Clara... Clara! [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Clara's livingroom - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara: You're breaking up! ( Electrical crackling from TV ) The Doctor (O.C.): The invasion has happened. You're probably surrounded by Zygons. Get to the TARDIS, get yourself safe. Apparently my plane is never going to land. Let's see what we can do about that! Clara Z (O.C.): I'm sorry, but Clara's dead. Clara: Dream checks... Dream checks, dream checks... Clara Z (O.C.): It's your decision, Doctor. Truth or consequences. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Airplane ] [SCENE_BREAK] Osgood: Doctor... The Doctor: Missed! [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Clara's livingroom - Night ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Clara wrestles with the TV, strains with her right index finger, then bites it. We see the rocket launched by Clara Z strike the airplane. ) [SCENE_BREAK] The Zygon Inversion [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Fleet Estate Centre, London - Daytime ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( A man [Etoine] is running in fear from an underpass. He bumps into a street cleaner and gasps, dropping the bags he was carrying. Clara Z emerges from the underpass. ) ( Entry-system beeps as Etoine enters the apartment block. ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Etoine's Apartment - Daytime ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Clara Z is outside the apartment and the door rattles before opening. Clara Z enters and Etoine groans ) Clara Z: I know what you are. ( Etoine gasps ) Etoine: Please... Please. Clara Z: I'm going to set you free. Humans cannot accept the way we really are. If we cannot hide, we must fight. You are going to be the first. The first to make the humans see. ( Clara Z places the finger tips of both hands on Etoine's temples and there is electrical sparking. ) ( Etoine runs off, while morphing and squelching. He gasps ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Etoine's Apartment - Daytime ] [SCENE_BREAK] Etoine: Help me. Help me... Help! Help me... ( Squelching and gurgling ) ( Clara Z's records Etoine morphing on her phone. Her phone beeps. ) Clara Z: Commander here. The first one has been changed. I'm going to UNIT to retrieve the Osgood box. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Beach - Daytime ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Seagulls cry ) Osgood: Doctor? Doctor! The Doctor: Any questions? Osgood: Why do you have a Union Jack parachute? The Doctor: Camouflage. Osgood: Camouflage? The Doctor: Yes, we're in Britain. Ooh, your specs are broken. I'll fix 'em. You can wear mine, they're sonic. Osgood: Sonic specs? The Doctor: Yeah! Osgood: Isn't that a bit pointless? Like a visual hearing aid? The Doctor: What's wrong with pointless? I once invented an invisible watch. Spot the design flaw. Osgood: You're talking nonsense to distract me from being really scared. It's one of your known character traits. The Doctor: Don't look at my browser history. ( Beeping ) Osgood: Whoa! The Doctor: Yeah, I said "don't". Osgood: Why didn't that Zygon blow us up with her big bazooka? The Doctor: She did blow us up with her big bazooka. This is us being blown up with a big bazooka. Osgood: But she seems to know what she's doing. The first thing I'D do if I wanted to invade the world would be to kill you. The Doctor: Thanks. Osgood: I wouldn't even let you get talking, like you always do. Bullet between the eyes, first thing. The Doctor: Again, thank you. Osgood: 12 times, if necessary. The Doctor: Ah, yes. Why limit yourself? You've really thought this through, haven't you? Osgood: I'm a big fan. But she gave you a chance to get out. She hesitated. If she had Clara's memory print, she'd know better than to give you even a second. You've gone quiet because I mentioned Clara. You think she might be dead. The Doctor: Yes. Osgood: Are you OK? The Doctor: I don't know. I'm still in the hope phase. Osgood: How's that going? The Doctor: Hell. Please talk about something else. [SCENE_BREAK] ( We see Clara trying to manipulate Clara Z with her mind and Clara Z manipulates her phone. ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Promenade - Daytime ] [SCENE_BREAK] Osgood: Why do they want to destroy the ceasefire? The Doctor: Don't think of them as rational. They're different. They don't care about human beings, they don't care about their own people. They think the rest of Zygonkind are traitors. ( Phone beeps ) The Doctor: It's a splinter group. Osgood: Clara. Well, not Clara. The Zygon who... The Doctor: The Zygon who probably killed her. Read it. Osgood: It says, "I'm awake." The Doctor: What does she mean? A political awakening? Why would she be sending me propaganda? She just blew me up with a big bazooka. Osgood: Never really met Clara. Pretty strong, yeah? The Doctor: She was amazing. Osgood: No. Not was. Is. It's not from the Zygon. It's from Clara. The Doctor: How? Osgood: She's not dead, she's in a pod somewhere. They need a live feed to the information in her brain. But she's fighting back. She's trying to take control, piece by piece. The Doctor: Texting? Osgood: How much more human do you get? The Zygon probably doesn't even know it sent this, or why it misfired that bazooka. The Doctor: You don't know. It's just a theory. Osgood: Yes, it's just a theory. But how's the hope phase now? The Doctor: Worse than ever. Osgood: Then we've got a game! [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. UNIT safe house ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Clara Z enters and on passing a mirror sees the reflection of Clara. She opens a safe under the stairs and we hear beeping. She takes out a laptop computer, which she sets down and opens. ) Osgood 1 (on screen): Hello. If you're watching this, I have been captured and interrogated. Osgood 2 (on screen): During the interrogation, I have revealed to you the existence of the Osgood box. Osgood (O.C.): I have revealed its location and the combination to open this safe. And guess what? Both Osgoods: I lied. Osgood (O.C.): The Osgood box exists. But it's not here. Stop looking. Really... Osgood 2 (on screen): .. stop. Osgood 1 (on screen): The Osgood box can end the ceasefire. Osgood 2 (on screen): The Osgood box can start the war. Osgood 1 (on screen): The Osgood box can wipe out all humankind. Osgood 2 (on screen): But there's a reason it's called the Osgood box. Osgood 1 (on screen): Haven't you guessed? ( Recording breaks up. Clara Z groans and she shrieks as she smashes the laptop on the floor. She then grunts as she proceeds to stamp on it. ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Promenade - Daytime ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( As the Doctor and Osgood are walking, they come upon a police car, which is stopped at a junction. ) The Doctor: Hello! Hi! Hello. Dr John Disco. It was my plane. I had a big plane for purposes of, eh, poncing about. ( The officers stare back vacantly ) It went off with a massive bang about half a mile that way? Actually... er... It's fine. We're... we're fine, aren't we? Osgood: Yeah. Yeah. The Doctor: Yes, yes, we're fine. Just, um, move along. (whispers to Osgood): Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. UNIT safe house ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Clara Z's phone rings ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Promenade / UNIT safe house - Daytime ] [SCENE_BREAK] Osgood: She's answered. The Doctor: Hello! Clara Z: You're dead. The Doctor: Yes, well, I'm dead now, and I think I might be a bit more dead in a minute. What's your plan, Zygella? Clara Z (on phone): I don't have a plan. The Doctor: Come on, you don't invade planets without having kind of plan. That's why they're called "planets" -- to remind you to plan it? Hey-hey! That's good! Pun-tastic. Dr Pun-tastic! Oh, come on, that was a good one, Zygella! Clara Z: Don't call me Zygella. My name's Bonnie. The Doctor: And you're winking at me. Clara Z: I am not winking at you. Where is the Osgood box? The Doctor: You do know what winking means? You're sending out some very mixed messages here. You know I'm over 2,000 years old? I'm old enough to be your Messiah. Clara Z (O.C.): I am not winking at you. Where is the box?! The Doctor: (to Osgood) We need some wheels. The van! (to Clara Z) OK. Non-verbal communication.The Doctor: I assume that you never bothered to learn Morse code... Specs! (whispers to Osgood): Setting 137. Clara Z: Tell me! The Doctor: OK, we'll have to try something else. 20 questions. Where's your pod? Is it in a tunnel? Is it in London? Thanks very much. Gotcha! The Doctor (O.C.): Stay where you are, Clara. The Doctor: We're coming to get you. And for God's sake, don't let her into your memories! Clara Z: Memories? What memories? What has she got? The Doctor: Don't tell her where the Osgood box is, and above all, don't tell her what it is. ( The doctor starts the van and tyres screech as he drives off. ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Van - Daytime ] [SCENE_BREAK] Osgood: Obviously, the Zygon could hear that. The Doctor: Obviously. Osgood: So she's going to poke around inside Clara's mind, looking for answers. The Doctor: The mind of Clara Oswald. She may never find her way out! ( chuckles ) Osgood: I don't think I've ever seen you smile before. The Doctor: Dazzling, isn't it? ( Beep ) Osgood: Oh! I got a ping on Clara's phone. It's the location Bonnie sent the text from. A shopping centre, south London. The Doctor: Ah, London! Perpetual city, cradle of culture, here we come! Clara, stay safe. Osgood: She's posted a video link. Female reporter (O.C.): A video supposedly showing an alien in south London is posted across the internet... Osgood: This is the same place Bonnie texted from. We need to hurry. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Tunnel ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Clara Z exits the lift and taps on Clara's pod. ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Clara's apartment living room / Tunnel ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Hissing ) Clara Z (on TV screen): Hello. Oh, there's no point turning over. There's nothing better on the other side. I could erase your mind. Clara: Then why haven't you? Having trouble? Let's see what I can do. ( she concentrates and Clara Z momentarily turns into a Zygon ) See, this thing... works two ways, you know. Clara Z: I want those memories! Clara: Trouble is, you're asking me for them, which means you can't access them, right? Clara Z: I can make you tell me. Clara: No, you can't, otherwise you would have done already. Clara Z: I can kill you. Clara: Go on, then. Clara Z: You think you're calling my bluff. Clara: I am calling your bluff. You need me alive. Clara Z: Only as a source of information. Clara: Then you'd better start asking questions. Clara Z: You'd better not lie. Clara: You see, that's your problem. I am a brilliant liar. How are you ever going to know? Clara Z: Oh, Clara. For a moment, I thought you were clever. ( Clara Z places two fingers of her right hand on her left wrist. We hear heartbeats echo. ) Clara Z: Our hearts are linked. Beat for beat. The one thing you and I can never do is lie to each other. ( Heartbeats quicken ) ( Clara Z laughs ) Clara Z: Oh, that scared you, didn't it? [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Etoine's housing estate - Daytime ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Tyres screech as the Doctor pulls up. ) The Doctor: London! What a dump. Osgood: London's OK. The Doctor: No, it's not, it's a dump. Osgood: You spend an awful lot of time here, considering it's a dump. The Doctor: I spend an awful lot of time being kidnapped, tortured, shot at and exterminated. Doesn't mean I like it. Osgood: Well... This is where the video was shot. Bonnie was here. Come on, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Fleet Estate Centre - Daytime ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: There's electricity in the air. Osgood: It stinks. It smells like... barbecues. Oh... ( Electrical sparking ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Tunnel / Clara's apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara Z: Now, listen to me. Here's what we're going to do. Clara Z (O.C.): I'm going to ask you questions and if you don't tell me the exact and complete truth, I will know and I will kill you. Do you understand me? Clara: Yes. Clara Z: I will slaughter you in that pod right now. Am I lying to you? Clara: No. Clara Z: Good. Then we'll begin. Where is the Osgood box? You will answer me, Clara. Truth or consequences, lie and you die. Where is it? Clara: UNIT HQ. Under the Tower of London. Clara Z: Where, specifically? Clara: The Black Archive. Clara Z: Ah, yes. The dark little storage facility for forbidden alien tech, where this all began. Who has access to it? Clara: The Osgoods. Clara Z: Only the Osgoods? Clara: The Doctor sealed it up after the last time. Didn't want UNIT interfering with the ceasefire. Clara Z: Don't avoid the question. Do only the Osgoods have access? Clara: The Doctor has access, too. Clara Z: Who else? Ah. You. You have access? Clara: Yes. Clara Z: Is it a key? Or a code? No, a pass. A key code? Give it to me now. Clara: I can't. ( Steady heartbeats ) Clara Z: Interesting. You're not lying. Clara: No, I'm not. Clara Z: But you have access of some kind. Clara: Obviously. Clara Z: Give it to me now. Clara: I told you. I can't. You know I'm not lying, I can't give you access. Clara Z: OK, how do you get in there? How, physically, do you get in? Clara: It's automatic. Clara Z: But how? Tell me! Clara: The door is keyed to my body print. Clara Z: Ah, yes, your body print. You can't give me access, because I have access already. I'm you. Clara: Yes. Clara Z: And what am I going to find? What's in the Osgood box? Clara? Clara: The box ends the ceasefire. Clara Z: So I'm told. How? Clara: There's a button inside the box. Press it, it will transmit a signal that will unmask every Zygon on the planet for up to an hour. Clara (O.C.): What's there to smile about? Clara Z: Mass panic followed by a war. Every Zygon on our side at a stroke. Clara: 20 million Zygons against seven billion humans -- that's not a war you can win! Clara Z: Then we will die in the fire, instead of living in chains. Clara: Most of your own kind don't want that. Clara Z: Then it's time we stopped giving them a choice. Clara: It's time you asked the most important question. Clara Z: Which is? Clara: I'm waiting. Clara Z: Why's it called an Osgood box? Clara: I'm not telling you. Clara Z: Good. I've been looking forward to hearing you scream. Clara: I'm not telling you, because when you get to the Black Archive, you'll find out for yourself, and when you do, you're going to want to speak to me again. Am I lying to you? ( Steady heartbeats ) Clara: See you later. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Fleet Estate Centre ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: What's your name? Osgood: Osgood. The Doctor: No, no, no. Your first name? Osgood: What's your first name? The Doctor: Basil. Osgood: Petronella. The Doctor: Let's just stick with what we had. I need to ask you... because it's important, because it might matter... Osgood: What's important? The Doctor: Which one are you? Human or Zygon? ( We hear a door open, then see a Zygon, squelching ) The Doctor: Whoever you are, we can help you. Etoine: It wasn't me. They attacked me. They saw me. I had to... ( Squelching ) The Doctor: It's OK, it's OK, it's OK. It's OK, it's OK. Etoine: A commander came. She turned me back! ( Etoine groans ) Osgood: We can help. We can help you. ( Etoine groans ) Osgood: Doctor, we can help him, can't we? The Doctor: I'm not sure. ( Etoine raises his right hand and electrical sparking is directed at the Doctor ) The Doctor: Please! Come back! Come back! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Tunnel ] [SCENE_BREAK] Kate: North America reporting back to High Command. Clara Z: I'm going to the Black Archive. I'll open it up, you will follow. Kate: Of course. Clara Z: But first, locate the Doctor. If possible, duplicate him, and then kill him. Kate: It will be my pleasure. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Fleet Estate Centre ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: I can't help you just now, but... ( Electrical sparking ) Etoine: Why? I was happy like this. I was happy here. The Doctor: I understand. Etoine: I can't change. I can't hide. Osgood: Let us help you. Etoine: No! You are truth or consequences. ( Gurgling ) Osgood: We're not. We're really not. ( Etoine moans ) Etoine: I'm not part of your fight. I never wanted to fight anyone, I just wanted to live here. Why can't I just live? The Doctor: We're on your side. Etoine: I'm not on anyone's side. ( Squelching ) Etoine: This is my home. The Doctor: Listen, we are not them. Etoine: I can't go back now. You've taken my life! The Doctor: No, no, no! Stop! Stop! Stop! Etoine: They will kill me. ( Etoine's right hand emits electricty directed at himself and he evaporates. ) The Doctor: There it is, Osgood. There's their plan. Unmask everyone, provoke fear, paranoia, provoke a war. Kate: Doctor... The Doctor: Kate! Are you all right? Kate: Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be? The Doctor: It's just I'd heard otherwise. Kate: I'm fine. Doctor, we know where the Zygon command centre is. We know where Clara's pod is. We can take you there. The Doctor: Well, how very convenient, because that's just exactly what we're looking for. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. UNIT HQ ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara Z: And here it is, the Black Archive. Oh, I do like being you, Clara. Everyone just waves you on past. Now, how does this work? ( Beeping ) ( Door opens ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Tunnel ] [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Well, they like a good cave, don't they? How many of these pods are occupied? Kate: We don't know. The Doctor: Which one is Clara's? Kate: Well, that's strange. It was here before. Osgood: Doctor... I think they're Zygons. The Doctor: Oh, you tricky little monkeys! [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. The Black Archive ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara Z: Normalise. ( Squelching ) Clara Z: Well, Clara, I think you're reaching the end of your... ( Phone rings ) Kate: The Doctor is here. Clara Z (O.C.): Don't kill him. We need him alive. Kate: What for? Clara Z: Because I just found out why it's called an Osgood box. Clara Z (O.C.): There's two of them. The Doctor: Two Osgoods, two boxes. Operation Double. What did you expect? Clara Z: What's in them, Doctor? Tell me. Now! The Doctor: One box normalises all the Zygons. Clara Z (O.C.): And the other? The Doctor: Destroys them. Clara Z: Which is which? The Doctor: Ahh-ha-ha-ha, that would be telling! ( Two Zygons open Clara's pod ) Clara Z: Which box normalises the Zygons, Doctor? Tell me, or she dies. The Doctor: No. This is war. You pull the trigger, you pay the price. Clara Z: Kill her. The Doctor: The blue one! The blue one! The blue one normalises all your people. Clara Z: Are you lying? Are you lying to me, Doctor? The Doctor: No, I'm not. And when you open up the box, you'll see I'm not lying. Clara Z: Doctor? Doctor! The Doctor: Yeah, I know. Clara Z: Bring him to me! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Tunnel ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Kate shoots both Zygons in the head ) Kate: Sorry, Doctor! Self-defence. The Doctor: You're you! Kate: I'm me. The Doctor: How did you survive? Kate: Five rounds, rapid. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Clara Z shrieks and throws her phone ) [SCENE_BREAK] Kate: I'm sorry, Doctor, I know you don't approve. The Doctor: Why does peacekeeping always involve killing? ( Beeping ) The Doctor: Is this the lot? Kate: No, there are plenty more of them. They were the nearest. You are you? Osgood: I'm me. Kate: But human or Zygon? Osgood: Me. Kate: What are we dealing with? The Doctor: 20 million Zygons about to be unmasked. You don't know whether they are human or not. And you can't fight them, not with soldiers. Kate: Which leads me to a very big question. The Doctor: I was really hoping that it wouldn't. Kate: The Z-67, Sullivan's gas, the gas that kills the Zygons. So you took it. The Doctor: Well, you know how it is. Daddy knows best. Kate: That's what's in the red box, yes? Of course it is. If I remember rightly, it causes a chain reaction in the atmosphere, turns every Zygon on Earth inside-out. The Doctor: Let me negotiate peace. You can't commit mass murder... Kate: Then why did you leave the gas with us? The Doctor: The boxes are safeguards for both species. You agreed to that. Kate: I never agreed to that. The Doctor: Yes, you did, then I wiped your memory. You agreed to that, too. But that's why there were two Osgoods to police the ceasefire. One human and one Zygon, to keep the secrets and keep the peace. Kate: I'm sorry, Doctor. Truly. But the peace is failing already. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. The Black Archive ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara (O.C.): It's no good, Bonnie, you can't win. Clara Z: I don't care. The Doctor: Hi! Hello! Hello! Oh, hello! Hi. Hi. Stop this. Stop this, please. Let me take both of these boxes away. We'll forgive, we'll forget. And the ceasefire will stand. Clara Z: No. Kate: Doctor, which of these buttons do I press? Doctor, which one? Truth or consequences? Clara Z: Truth or consequences? The Doctor: This is the moment we've all been waiting for. ( American accent ) Make-your-mind-up time! One of those buttons will destroy the Zygons, release the imbecile's gas. The other one detonates the nuclear warhead under the Black Archive. It'll destroy everyone in London. Bonnie. Bonnie, sweetheart! One of those buttons will unmask every Zygon in the world. The other one cancels their ability to change form. It'll make them human beings for ever. There are safeguards beyond safeguards. I did this on a very important day for me and this ceasefire will stand. Clara Z: This is wrong. The Doctor: No, it's not. Clara Z: You are responsible for all the violence. All of the suffering. The Doctor: No, I'm not. Clara Z: Yes. The Doctor: No. Clara Z: Yes, you engineered this situation, Doctor. This is your fault. The Doctor: No, it's not, it's your fault. Clara Z: I had to do what I've done. The Doctor: So did I. Clara Z: We have been treated like cattle. The Doctor: So, what? Clara Z: We've been left to fend for ourselves. The Doctor: So is everyone. Clara Z: It's not fair. The Doctor: Oh, it's not fair! Oh, I didn't realise that it was not fair! You know what? My TARDIS doesn't work properly and I don't have my own personal tailor. Clara Z: The things don't equate. The Doctor: These things have happened, Zygella, they are facts. You just want cruelty to beget cruelty. You're not superior to people who were cruel to you, you're just a whole bunch of new cruel people. A whole bunch of new cruel people being cruel to some other people, who'll end up being cruel to you. The only way anyone can live in peace is if they're prepared to forgive. Why don't you break the cycle? Clara Z: Why should we? The Doctor: What is it that you actually want? Clara Z: War. The Doctor: Ah, ah right! And when this war is over, when you have a homeland free from humans, what do you think it's going to be like? Do you know? Have you thought about it? Have you given it any consideration? Because you're very close to getting what you want. What's it going to be like? Paint me a picture. Are you going to live in houses? Do you want people to go to work? Will there be holidays? Oh! Will there be music? Do you think people will be allowed to play violins? Who's going to make the violins? Well? Oh, you don't actually know, do you? Because, like every other tantrumming child in history, Bonnie, you don't actually know what you want. So, let me ask you a question about this brave new world of yours. When you've killed all the bad guys, and when it's all perfect and just and fair, when you have finally got it exactly the way you want it, what are you going to do with the people like you? The troublemakers. How are you going to protect your glorious revolution from the next one? Clara Z: We'll win. The Doctor: Oh, will you? Well, maybe... maybe you will win! But nobody wins for long. The wheel just keeps turning. So, come on. Break the cycle. Clara Z: Why are you still talking? The Doctor: Because I want to get you to see, and I'm almost there! Clara Z: You know what I see, Doctor? A box. A box with everything I need. A 50% chance. Kate: For us, too. The Doctor: And we're off! Fingers on buzzers! Are you feeling lucky? Are you ready to play the game? Who's going to be quickest? Who's going to be luckiest? Kate: This is not a game! The Doctor: No, it's not a game, sweetheart, and I mean that most sincerely. Clara Z: Why are you doing this? Kate: Yes, I'd quite like to know that, too. You set this up -- why? The Doctor: Because it's not a game, Kate. This is a scale model of war. Every war ever fought, right there in front of you. Because it's always the same. When you fire that first shot, no matter how right you feel, you have no idea who's going to die! You don't know whose children are going to scream and burn! How many hearts will be broken! How many lives shattered! How much blood will spill until everybody does until what they were always going to have to do from the very beginning -- sit down and talk! ( The Doctor clasps his head and sighs with exasperation. ) The Doctor: Listen to me. Listen, I just... I just want you to think. Do you know what thinking is? It's a fancy word for changing your mind. Clara Z: I will not change my mind. The Doctor: Then you will die stupid. Alternatively, you could step away from that box, you can walk right out of that door and you could stand your revolution down. Clara Z: No! I'm not stopping this, Doctor. I started it. I will not stop it. You think they'll let me go, after what I've done? The Doctor: You're all the same, you screaming kids. You know that? "Look at me, I'm unforgiveable." Well, here's the unforeseeable. I forgive you... after all you've done. I forgive you. Clara Z: You don't understand. You will never understand. The Doctor: I don't understand? Are you kidding? Me? Of course I understand. You mean, you call this a war? This funny little thing? This is not a war! I fought in a bigger war than you will ever know. I did worse things than you could ever imagine. And when I close my eyes... I hear more screams than anyone could ever be able to count! And do you know what you do with all that pain? Shall I tell you where you put it? You hold it tight... till it burns your hand, and you say this... No-one else will ever have to live like this! No-one else will have to feel this pain! Not on my watch! ( Kate closes the red box ) The Doctor: Thank you. Thank you. Kate: I'm sorry. The Doctor: I know. I know, thank you. (turns to Clara Z)Well? Clara Z: It's empty, isn't it? Both boxes. There's nothing in them... just buttons. The Doctor: Of course. Do you know how you know that? Because you've started to think... like me. It's hell, isn't it? No-one should have to think like that. And no-one will. Not on our watch. Gotcha! Clara Z: How can you be so sure? The Doctor: Because you have a disadvantage, Zygella. I know that face. Kate: This is all very well, but we know the boxes are empty now. We can't forget that. The Doctor: No. Well, um, you've said that the last 15 times. ( High-pitched buzzing ) Clara Z: You didn't wipe my memory. The Doctor: No. Just Kate's. Oh, and your little friend's here, of course. When they wake up, they won't remember what you've done. It'll be our secret. Clara Z: You're going to protect me? Osgood: You're one of us now, whether you like it, or not. Clara Z: I don't understand how you could just forgive me. The Doctor: Because I've been where you have. There was another box. I was going to press another button. I was going to wipe out all of my own kind -- man, woman and child -- I was so sure I was right. Clara Z: What happened? The Doctor: The same thing that happened to you. I let Clara Oswald get inside my head. Trust me. She doesn't leave. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Basement Zygon Command Centre ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara Z: Zygon High Command, the ceasefire is back in place. The rebels are standing down. You are all... safe. [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Brockwell Park, London - Daytime ] [SCENE_BREAK] Osgood: The TARDIS. The Doctor: The TARDIS. Osgood: What does it stand for? The Doctor: What? You're kidding me? Surely you know that? Osgood: I've heard a couple of different versions. The Doctor: I made it up from the initials. It stands for "Totally And Radically Driving In Space". Do you want to come? All of the future, all of history, and all of the universe? Osgood: More than anything. But I think I have to stay. I've got a couple of boxes to keep an eye on. And a world to keep safe. The Doctor: Fair enough. Clara, would you mind, eh... Clara: Mind what? The Doctor: I'll see you in the TARDIS, OK? Clara: Uh... yeah, sure. ( to Osgood ) Take care, you! Osgood: You take care of him. Don't let him die, or anything. Clara: What if he's really annoying? Osgood: Then, fine. Clara: Got ya. The Doctor: I need to know -- which one are you? Osgood: I'm Osgood. The Doctor: Human or Zygon? Osgood: I'll answer that question one day. Do you know when day that will be? Osgood 2 (O.C.): The day nobody cares about the answer. Osgood 2: Gotcha! Osgood: Oh, look at his face. Osgood 2: It's almost not fair. The Doctor: But I-I... I don't... How... how... Osgood: Oh, think it through, Doctor. Osgood 2: It wouldn't be right, would it? Osgood: To carry on using Clara's face... Osgood 2: When there's a vacancy. The Doctor: Zygella? Osgood: Osgood! The Doctor: But which one of you... Both Osgoods: Osgood! Osgood: It doesn't matter which of us is which. Osgood 2: All that matters is that Osgood lives. Osgood: And nothing's going to stop us! The Doctor: You're a credit to your species, Petronella Osgood. Osgood: No, Basil. Osgood 2: We're a credit to both of them. The Doctor: Oh, and you should know... I'm a very big fan. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. TARDIS ] [SCENE_BREAK] Clara: So, you must have thought I was dead for a while? The Doctor: Yeah. Clara: How was that? The Doctor: Longest month of my life. Clara: It could only have been five minutes! The Doctor: I'll be the judge of time. ( VWORP! VWORP! VWORP! ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ EXT. Brockwell Park, London - Daytime ] [SCENE_BREAK] Osgood: Ice creams? Osgood 2: Yes, ice creams. Then back to work! Osgood: What's today? Osgood 2: Oh, you know, same old, same old. Defending the Earth. ( They inhale deeply ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Next time... ] [SCENE_BREAK] Man (O.C.): You must not watch this. Man: You can never unsee it. Woman: 24 hours ago, this station fell silent. We've come to find out why. Clara: What are these? Man: Morpheus. The Doctor: What is Morpheus? Computer (female): The Morpheus machine concentrates the whole nocturnal experience. Now you can go a whole month without sleep. Man: Time is money. The Doctor: Congratulations, Professor. You've conquered nature. You've also created an abomination. Run! Run! Run! You can't stop them. Man: None of us can.

The Doctor and Osgood escape the plane before it is shot down. Within Clara's mind, Bonnie learns that the Osgood Box is held in UNIT's Black Archive. Against the wishes of the Zygons who are not aligned with the splinter group, Bonnie intends to start a war against humanity by using the Osgood Box to unmask 20 million Zygons on Earth. Clara telepathically breaks through Bonnie's control and alerts the Doctor to her whereabouts. Kate, having survived the encounter in New Mexico, joins the Doctor and Osgood. The three arrive at the Black Archive where Bonnie has found there are two Osgood Boxes, one which would either unmask the Zygons or make their human forms permanent, and the other which would destroy either every Zygon or everyone in London. When Bonnie and Kate prepare to activate the boxes, the Doctor talks them out by explaining the Boxes are a means to assure peace because of the consequences of declaring a war. Bonnie realises the boxes are empty as a ploy. The Doctor wipes Kate's memories to keep the peace treaty. Bonnie calls off the splinter group and says they will live peacefully. Bonnie becomes the new Osgood duplicate.