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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. | And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three logicians walk into a bar.. | The bartender asks, "would all three of you like some beer?" The first one replies,"I don't know" The second one replies, "I don't know either" The third replies, "Yes all three of us would like a beer" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Joan Rivers is just like Soldier Field... | She used to be a National Historical Landmark before all of the modifications. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The yuppie and the shepherd. | A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure". The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is,will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Engineer, Physicist and Mathematician | An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in their respective hotel rooms when a problem with the hotel's electrical system causes sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the wastepaper basket. The engineer wakes up from the alarm, sees what is going on and runs to the bathroom. He fills a bucket with water, which he throws onto the wastepaper basket. Relieved that the fire is out, he goes back to bed. The physicist wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire. He then goes to the bathroom and fills a bucket with the precise amount of water he needs (accounting for measurement error), and proceeds to put out the fire. He then goes back to bed. The mathematician wakes up from the alarm and sees what is going on. He grabs a pad of paper and a pencil, and works out how much water he will need to put out the fire. "Aha! A solution exists!" And he goes back to bed. *Alternate ending* Later that night the hotel's electrical system fails again, causing sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the bed sheets. The mathematician wakes up, considers the fire, and then takes the still-burning sheets and puts them in the wastepaper basket. "Aha! I've reduced the problem to a previously-solved form!" And he goes back to bed. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Vampire died and was in the process of being reincarnated... | They asked him, "What would you like to have in your next lifetime?" "Drinking blood is good but I don't like hunting, ideally I'd like to have a easy supply of fresh blood." "Alright." "I also like turning into a bat and flying, so let me retain wings.", he said. "Noted." "One last thing, my dark complexion seems to scare people too much, can I turn into something white?" "Sure thing." **Poof** He became a maxi pad. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Instructions for cleaning the toilet | **Instructions for cleaning the toilet:** 1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo. 2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet. 3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid. 4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying herself. 5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle. 6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door. 7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed she will be moving from the toilet to the front door. 8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A friend of mine asked if I could give her the definition of a double entendre... | so I gave it to her. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Can you think of something more ironic than being a gay chiropractor? | Choosing a career in which your job is to make people straight again. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is the last thing the host of an orgy says to his guests? | Thank you for coming! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a bus on its way to Comic Con? | Virgin Mobile |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Farmer Dan | A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that when pregnant, they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he was woken up by his wife shaking him and saying "Wake up Dear, the pigs are acting strangely!". "What do you mean?" he asked excitedly, "Are they wallowing in the mud?" "No, " she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Genie in a Bottle | A brunette is walking through the desert and comes across a genie, who tells her he will grant her three wishes. However, everything she wishes for, every blonde in the world would get twice as much. The Brunette ponders this a while then makes her first wish. "I wish for the nicest mansion in the world." The genie nods and says it is done. However, every blonde in the world gets two mansions. "I wish for a billion dollars." The genie nods and says it is done. However, every blonde in the world gets two billion dollars. Thinking long and hard about her last wish, the brunette finally comes to a decision. "You see that stick over there?..... Beat me HALF to death with it!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you spot the blind man at the nudist beach? | It's not hard |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's orange and sounds like a parrot? | A carrot. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why does a chicken coop have two doors? | If it had 4 doors it would be a sedan. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Man with an Orange for a Head | A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange. The bartender goes, "OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!" Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain." Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks for another, then begins his story: "When I was a young man I travelled the world: Egypt, China, Arabia, everywhere. One day I found a magic lamp and a genie granted me 3 wishes. 'Really?' I said. 'Anything?' 'Anything,' said the genie. 'Okay,' I said. 'First wish... I wish I had a wallet that always had a thousand dollars in it.' 'Granted,' said the genie." "Wait, wait," interrupts the bartender. "You don't expect me to believe that?" "Are you kidding? My head's a fucking orange!" snaps the man with the orange head. But just to prove it, he pulls out a worn wallet and slaps ten $100 notes on the bar. The bartender shuts up and the guy with the orange head continues. "For my second wish, I asked to be irresistible to women." "Bullshit," says the bartender. The guy looks across the bar at a beautiful woman he's never met and says, "Hey, baby, want to go home with me tonight?" The woman squeals with delight, nods, rushes over, buys him a drink, and hangs off him lovingly. She doesn't even seem to notice that half of his head is a piece of fruit. Awed, the bartender pours another round, and asks in a hushed voice, "So... your face... your head... the third wish?" The man nods and downs another shot of whiskey. "What happened?" whispered the bartender, leaning forward. "For my third wish..." whispers the man. "...I wished... that half of my head... were a giant orange." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Friday Update - Jokes for the week of 3/16-3/22 | A new study shows sugary drinks cause over 180k deaths a year, only 4 of which are from being crushed by a soda machine. I like those odds! Japan has created a remote controlled mobile toilet, because sometimes you just gotta go. A North Korean spokesman has said that its nuclear arms are not a bargaining chip for food or assistance. Said Kim Jong Un, "Chips? Food?!" The Westboro Bastist Church will soon be next door to a rainbow-painted pro-gay house, with a white picketing fence. A climate change denier has been named head of the House Climate Change Subcommittee, though maybe if we deny it he'll go away. A man who robbed a pharmacy in Louisiana was tracked down by a pickax he left in the store, so it sounds like he picked the wrong ax. Harry Reems, star of the infamous porn "Deep Throat," died Wednesday at 65. He is survived by millions of sperm on this gross couch. A hotel maid was caught on February 13th stealing 13 pills from Room 13. Terrible service, but let me tell you about the maid for Room 69... All based on real news from this week. See more @FridayUpdate on twitter. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp... | Police are looking into it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A CEO, a union worker and a tea party member sit down at a table ... | The union worker sets out a dozen cookies he baked. The CEO grabs them all and tells the tea partier that the union member stole his cookie. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Does Lance Armstrong enjoy cycling? | Of course he does! He has a ball! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Studying for MCAT when I heard this Joke! | I was studying for the MCAT while listening to an audiobook for a chapter on the endocrine system. Anyways, at the end of the audiobook the guy signs of saying: "Hey John, how do you make a hormone anyway?"... "That's easy Jordan, you just don't pay her." Loled so hard! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I used to be really into nostalgia... | ...those were good times. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do women wear white wedding dresses? | So the dishwasher can match the refrigerator and stove |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man goes into a bar... | ...and orders a beer. The barman gives him a beer and tells him that it is on the house. When the man orders a second beer, he tries to pay but the barman refuses to take his money. This continues for well over an hour, and the man realizes that the barman isn`t charging anyone for the drinks. Finally he asks the barman why he is giving all the booze away for free. The barman answers, "I just found out that the owner is having an affair with my wife. So I am doing to his business what he`s doing to her." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? | He was always afraid he was following someone. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The toilet at my local Police Station has been stolen. | Cops have nothing to go on |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Stuttering Salesman | A salesman goes to the doctor to see if he can fix his stutter. "D-d-doctor," he says, "I h-have a p-p-p-problem. I have th-this st-stutter, and it's m-making it h-h-h-h-hard for me t-to sell s-stuff." "Let's take a look at you. Get undressed," the doctor replies. The salesman undresses, and the doctor sees that he has a gigantic penis: 16 inches long and 8 inches around. "Well," says the doctor, "you must have quite the sex life." "Y-yeah," the salesman says. "L-l-l-ladies c-come from m-miles around to s-s-see m-me." "Unfortunately," says the doctor, "your penis is so large that it's draining the blood from your brain, which is what's causing your stutter. The only option here is to operate and to shorten your member. If you change your mind, the process is reversible." After thinking it over, the salesman decides to go through with it, and gets his penis shortened to eliminate his stutter. He comes back a week later to report his progress with the doctor. "Doctor," he says, "this is great! I can finally talk without stuttering, and my sales have never been better. However, I've decided that I want to reverse the procedure. I really miss my old sex life." The doctor turns to him, looks him in the eye, and says, "F-f-f-fuck y-you." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Librarian & The Chicken - Finally found a place to tell this joke. | Librarian is working at the checkout desk when a chicken walks up and say "Book, book". The Librarian looks around and thinks someone is playing a practical joke on her so she decides to play along and picks out a couple of books for the chicken. Chicken takes the books and walks out of the Library. A week later the same chicken returns the two books and says "book, book". The Librarian again gives the chicken a couple of books to read and off goes the chicken. This goes on for about a month before the Librarian finally decides to follow the chicken and see where it's going with the books. The chicken walks out of the library, across the road (I know right?) and off into a little patch of woods with the Librarian trailing behind. The Librarian follows the chicken to a little opening in the woods next to a small pond. Sitting up on a giant log is a bullfrog. The chicken walks up to the bullfrog and drops the books on the ground. The bullfrog looks down at the books and says "reddit, reddit". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I've got a problem with people who are into BDSM
| I just want to strangle them. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Lost and Found | I was reading the lost and found section of the paper and saw this: "Found, one black boy's bicycle." Wonder how they knew? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why was the guitar teacher arrested? | For fingering A minor. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? | Dr. Dre! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I like my women like I like my coffee ... | ... ground up and in the freezer. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Little Johnny is in Sunday School, | and little Mary Margaret in the front row pipes up, "Sister Jean, what part of our body gets to heaven first?" And the sister Jean smiles and asks, "Well what do you think, class? What part of your body gets to heaven first?" Tommy raises his hand, "I think it's your hands, 'cuz that's what you pray with." "Oh lovely, Thomas." says sister Jean Then little Mary Margaret chimes in again "I think it's your heart, 'cuz that's where Jesus lives" Sister Jean clutches her chest, "Beautiful, dear." But then Johnny shouts, "It's your LEGS!" Sister Jean looks stunned, "Your legs, John? Why?!" "Last night I went in my mommy and daddy's room, and mommy was on the bed, with her legs in the air going 'OH GOD, I'M COMING!'" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did one tampon say to the other tampon? | Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many hamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? | Only two, but you have to wonder how the hell they got in there |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you get when you have Avogadro's number of donkeys? | Molasses. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Hear the one about the miscarriage? | I overheard it yesterday. The joke was funny but the delivery was all wrong |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | This punker gets on a bus and takes a seat. | His hair’s all green, he’s got brightly colored tattoos covering his arms and piercings all over his face. Feathers hang from each earlobe. Across the aisle sits an old man who proceeds to stare at him for the next fifteen miles. Eventually the punker gets pretty unnerved and blurts out: “Hey man, didn’t you do anything crazy when you were young?” Without missing a beat, the old man replies: “Yeah, when I was in the Navy, I got drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a Bird of Paradise. I was just wondering if you were my son.” -------------------------------------------- From Mark Z. Danielewski's "House of Leaves". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the Dalai Lama go to Las Vegas? | Tibet |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My Reddit posts are just like my prostitutes. | They always end up getting buried. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Oprah Winfrey goes to the doctor for a physical... | ...she walks into the doctor's office and sits down on the waiting table. The doctor comes in and says, "Welcome back Oprah! First, I need you to take your clothes off." She takes off her clothes and sits back down on the table. The doctor then says, "Now I'm going to need you to stand over there in the corner." Oprah gets up and stands in the corner and looks at the doctor. The Doctor takes a long look of inspection and says, "Hmmmm. Now I would like you to stand over there on the other side of the room." Oprah does what he says and, again, waits for his instruction. The doctor then replies, "Hmmm. Can you please go back to the original corner and stand there again?" Oprah, growing curious asks, "Doctor, why are you having me stand naked in different corners of the room?" To which the doctor replies, "I plan on purchasing a leather sofa and want to see how it will look in this room." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An elderly woman was stopped by the bouncer at this biker bar... | He said, "Before I let you in, I need to ask you some questions. Firstly, since this is a biker bar, do you even have a bike?" The old lady replied, "Son, did you not see me ride up on my '65 panhead? That's it in the spot up front right there." "Ok, This is a neutral bar, you're not representing some hardcore gang are you? We try to avoid gang politics here." She replied, "Well, I was a Hell's Angel, but I'm retired...so what else?" He asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" She thought about it for a moment and said, "Not that I can recall, But I have been swung 'round by my nipples, is that good enough?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So a man owns a pet giraffe... | ...and one day decides that he is peckish. So he goes down to his local McDonalds, giraffe in tow. He decides that he will have a hamburger; he buys one for the giraffe too. Then decides he's still hungry, so he has some fries. Again, the giraffe gets the same. The man then decides he is thirsty, and the giraffe and the man have a milkshake each. Satisfied, the man leaves with the giraffe. However the mixture has taken its toll on the giraffe, which falls down with a bad stomach. Upon seeing this the owner steps out of the restaurant and shouts, "Hey! Ya can't leave that lyin' there!" to which the man replies, "It isn't a lion! It's a giraffe!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does a perverted frog say? | Rubbit. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Black Woman | So there is a black woman who has four kids. The first one is named Tyrone. The second one is named Tyrone. The third one is named Tyrone. And the fourth one is maned Tyrone. How does she tell them apart? By their last name. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There once was a fellow McSweeny... | Who spilled some gin on his weenie. Just to be couth, He added vermouth, Then slipped his girlfriend a martini! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A woman is buying groceries | A woman is buying groceries and while in the check out line, she becomes quite aroused by the good-looking bag boy. She tries to make eye contact, but he doesn't notice. She drops her purse on the floor and bends over to give him a look at her breasts, but he only keeps bagging her groceries. So she decides to ask him to bring them to her car for her. When they get out in the parking lot, he asks where her car is. She looks at him, touches his chest and says, "You know, I have an itchy pussy... " And the bag boy sighs and says, "Sorry lady, all those Japanese cars look the same to me." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a strawberry and a pencil? | One's a fruit, you idiot. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Golden Urinals | So a man is always cheating on his wife. She finally gets fed up with him and says the next time he gives her a lame excuse, she is going to leave him. A few days later he comes home extremely late. "So what's the excuse this time," she said. "Hey, I was drinking all night with my buddies. I swear," he slurred. "Where?" she asked. "Uhhh...I can't remember exactly, but wherever it is, they have golden urinals." He then proceed to pass out. Now, he had given some weird excuses before, but this one was just bizarre, so she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and call around town to find the golden urinal bar. After being hung up on many times, she calls the last bar in town. "Hello? I know this is going to sound weird, but do you guys have golden urinals?" The bartender then pulls the phone from his face and shouts, "Hey, Jerry! We found the guy that pissed in your saxophone." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | At a U2 concert.. | At a U2 concert in Glasglow Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet... "Well, fucking stop doing it , Ya evil bastard!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the woman say to the vampire when she woke up with her period? | "I made you breakfast in bed!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did Sodium Chloride get arrested? | Assault. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy was walking a girl home... | And as they got to her building, he leaned on the wall and said: "Honey, will you blow me?". She replied: "No dude, not now, we will get caught by my parents!". "Oh come on! Please!". He continued to beg until her sister came down and said. "Dad told me to to tell that I can blow you, mom can blow you, hell, even dad said he will personaly come down and give you the best blowjob of your life, just get your damned hand of the intercom! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It's a good thing that the Ghostbusters don't charge a lot of money | because if you couldn't pay, they'd have to come back and re-possess your house. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the leper say to the prostitute? | "Keep the tip" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Hear the one about the deaf man who went fishing? | Neither did he. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My father always taught me that in adultery there are no winners | but participation is more important than winning |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A group of blondes are chanting "31 days" in a bar... | so after awhile the bartender gets curious and asks one of the blondes "why are you ladies chanting 31 days?". The group parts and the blonde responds "you see this puzzle here?? we finished it in 31 days! and the box says 2-4 years" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Something different. A joke game using the names of members of Congress | [Use this list](http://www.house.gov/representatives/). Boehner, Johnson, Cleaver, Young, Cotton, Cook, Bishop, Barber... Seriously, there's a lot of comedy gold in these names if you put a little effort into it. Example: The Johnson/Boehner/Cummings anti-pornography act. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My dad told me this one. | Now, I'm not cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do hurricanes have girl names? | First they are all wild and wet, then they take your house. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A priest is on a bus (kinda long)... | ...and spots a very beautiful nun sitting a couple of rows ahead. He was about to approach her when he remembered that nuns took vows of celibacy. Disheartened, he sat down. The bus driver, noticing this, asked the priest, "What's wrong?" The priest explained his situation to the driver. The driver was silent for a bit, then he said, "I have an idea that can resolve your predicament. I know for a fact that every night, the nun visits the graveyard to pay respect to the dead. What you have to do is dress up like Jesus Christ and she will do anything you command." The priest, doubtful, asked, "Are you sure this will work?" The bus driver responded, "Positively, you just have to try." So the next day, as darkness fell, the priest put on his costume and went to the graveyard. Sure enough, the nun was there. He approached her, and the nun, shocked and amazed by the sight of the Lord, stood silently in awe. The priest then told her to bend over and proceeded to have her way with her. When he was done he removed his costume and exclaimed, "Surprise, it's me, the priest!" The nun, without further ado, removed her veil and said, "Surprise, it's me, the bus driver!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Touched by Jesus | Great words to hear in church, not so great to hear in a Mexican prison. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I woke up with a raging hard on.... | I called my wife over and told her to fix my clock. She said "that doesn't look like a clock." I responded, "if you put a face and 2 hands on it it does." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three black women are getting on a plane.. | They're lining up for their flight and the first black woman turns to the others and says "I'm wearing fluorescent yellow pants, cause if this plane crashes in the ocean they'll be able to find me first" The second says "well I'm wearing fluorescent orange pants so if this plane crashes over land, they'll be able to find me first" The third says "you two are stupid, I ain't wearing no pants! Cause it don't matter where we crash, everybody knows they look for the black box first!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife has a seashell tattooed on the inside of her leg | if you lay your ear on it, you smell the sea |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven"...
| Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..." God continued "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God said, "Yes, that would be me." "Well," said Arthur , "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!... 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!" "Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there", replied God, "Hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed", God said to Arthur, "But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man starts a line of pickled venison ... | ...the most popular flavor so far is dill doe. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the minus sign run for office? | To make a difference. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man and a boy are walking through the woods.. | The boy turns to the man and says, "these woods sure are scary." The man turns to him and says, "you're telling me, I have to walk back alone." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's going on? | A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple in a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver's seat and a young lady in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine. The officer knocks on the window and asks whats going on. "Listening to music," the guy says. Pointing toward the lady in the backseat, the officer asks, "And what's she doing?" "Reading a magazine, of course." "How old are you?" asks the officer. "I'm 28." "And how old is she?" The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in 11 minutes she'll be 18." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I feel like I use the phrase "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it" too often... | I feel like I use the phrase "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it" too often. It hasn't been a real problem yet though, so I guess I'll just cross that bridge when I come to it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A bar walks into a man. | A bar walks into a man. The man begins screaming uncontrollably as the corner of the building is inserted into his anus. Brick by brick, the bar forces its way inside the man's ass, as blood begins dripping down his legs. The man knows damn well it is impossible for such a large building to be contained inside him, but he grits his teeth and forces his ass open wider. His ribs break, his lungs collapse, and his now lifeless body is stretched into the shape of the bar. The bar is almost entirely consumed before the man's skin gives way to the bulging pressure...with an explosion of blood & organs, the shredded remains of the man are slung-shot around the lot where the bar formerly stood. The bar, now soaked in a mixture of blood & organ fluid, reflects upon the failure of its experiment. For the next attempt, a man of far greater fortitude must be used, so that his body does not burst so easily. Only then will it achieve its dream of becoming the first bar to walk into a man. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many of you love your husbands??
| There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’ All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’ Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text: "I love you, sweetheart." Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages. Here are some of the replies: 1. Who is this ??? 2. Ah, mother of my children, are you sick ? 3. I love you too !! 4. What now ? Did you crash the car again ? 5. I don’t understand what you mean ? 6. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time ! 7. ?!? 8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need? 9. Am I dreaming? 10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die. 11. I asked you not to drink anymore. I’ll leave if you are tired of me ! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Pet-store parrots. | A man walks into a pet store looking to buy a parrot, he sees 3 next to each other. He goes to the cashier and says, "How much for the first parrot on the left?" the cashier replies "2000$" " 2000$! What can it do for that price?" "It can write and take notes" the owner says. The man nods and asks the price of the second parrot, "5000$" What can that one do? The man asks again. "Oh that one can use the computer and send emails." The man nods again, "Ok how about the last one?" "The last one? 10,000$." The mans jaw drops. "What can that one do?" The pet store owner shrugs and says "I don't have a clue but the other two call him boss." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic? | Some guy sitting up all night wondering if there really is a dog |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? | Ten tickles |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Russian President Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama with an emergency request | “Mr President, we need help. Our largest condom factory has exploded,” the Russian President explained. “My people now have no method of birth control! This is a true disaster!” “Vladimir,” said Obama, “the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.” “We do need your help,” said Putin. “Could you possibly send one million condoms to tide us over?” “No problem, I’m on it,” said Obama. “Oh, and one more small favour, please?” said Putin. “Yes?” said Obama. “Can you supply the condoms red in colour and at least ten inches long and four inches in diameter?” “No problem,” replied Obama, and with that, he hung up and called the CEO of Durex. “I need a favour, you’ve got to make one million condoms right away and send them to Russia.” “Consider it done,” said the CEO of Durex. “Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, ten inches long and four inches wide.” “Easily done. Anything else?” “Yes,” says Obama. “Print ‘MADE IN USA, SIZE MEDIUM’ on each one.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | And then the fight started... | My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You all like dinosaurs...right? | What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? ***A thesaurus*** |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A hamburger walks into a bar (don't know if repost) | And the bartender says "sorry but we don't serve food here"! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So Cinderella was crying... | ...when her fairy godmother shows up. She asks poor Cinderella, "What's troubling you, my dear?" "My sisters have all gone to the ball, but I can't! I have nothing to wear and no way to go..." cried Cinderella. "Oh fret not. Let me handle this for you," said the fairy godmother. "But first, you have to bring me all the pumpkins you can find." So Cinderella set off to look for all pumpkins she could find and rolled them back. Then her fairy godmother turned 1 into a beautiful golden carriage, 2 into majestic stallions, 2 into a beautiful pair of glass slippers and 1 into the most elegant and gorgeous white gown you could ever imagine. But Cinderella kept on crying. "Why are you still troubled, sweetie? You've got everything you need to go to the ball!" "But I... I... I'm on my period now. I can't wear that white dress," replied Cinderella. "Don't worry honey," said her fairy godmother, and she turned to look at the garden, only to find the largest pumpkin left, which she turned into a tampon. And at midnight, Cinderella died. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man walks into a hardware store | A man walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk for a faster way to cut down trees. "My axe isn't cutting it anymore, it's just too slow," he says. The clerk looks around for a bit and comes back with a chainsaw. "Here, this might be what you want." The man says, "Oh yeah, I've heard of those! I'll take it!" So the clerk rings him up. The man comes back the next day, holding the same chainsaw. "Hey, I think there's something wrong with the saw you sold me yesterday," he says. "I tried it out last night and it's even slower than my axe!" The clerk takes it from him and looks it over. "Well, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it..." He pulls the starter cord and the chainsaw starts running. The man jumps a bit and says, "Wait, what's that noise?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers... | Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I acquired this one. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts? | Glue. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between humor and odor? | Humor is a shift of wit. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Friends are like motorcycles... | 'Cause I wish I had a motorcycle |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large-breasted crab? | One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two Middle Eastern men move to the United States. | After receiving dirty looks, and rude comments day after day, they soon figure out that they needed to "Americanize" themselves in order to fit in. Both men part ways on their journey to become Americans. The men do not see each other for five years, until one day they happen to bump into each other in a store. "Hello old friend!" says the first man. "It's been so long! I have certainly become a true American since I last saw you. I have a wife, two kids, and a dog. I live in a nice neighborhood in the suburbs in a two story house, I drive a prius and I have a job working in an office and I watch football every Sunday with my buddies and we drink beer and have barbecues! How American have you become my friend?" The second man simply replied "Fucking towel head." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You wanna know what makes me smile? | Face muscles |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the cop pull over the U-Haul truck? | He was trying to bust a move |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Jewish man and a Czechoslovakian man... | ...were walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. "Now there are only two bears on this mountain," the ranger explained. "One is a male, the other is a female. Which is the one that ate your friend?" The Jewish guy said it was definitely the male bear. So the ranger fired the gun and killed the bear, while the other ran away. When they cut it open to see, its stomach was empty. The moral of the story? Never trust a Jew that says the Czech is in the male. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "We don't serve time travelers..!" | A time traveler walks into a bar |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Terminator doesn't google himself | he uses Altavista baby. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I have a new party trick. I swallow two bits of string and an hour later they come out my arse tied together... | I shit you knot! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the Nazi Police Officer Give to the Schoolchildren? | What did the Nazi Police Officer Give to the Schoolchildren? SWAT Sticka's! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the best way to grease a Ferrari? | Run over an Italian. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A young man visits his girlfriend`s family for the first time... | He is really nervous and is doing his best to make a good impression. Dinner is served and he takes care to keep his elbows tucked in and tries not to stuff his mouth as he usually does. After a while, however, he feels the need to fart. At first he fights to keep it in, but eventually he stops resisting nature, and an audible and putrid fart is the result. "Rex!!" shouts the father to the family dog which is under the table. The boyfriend can`t believe his luck. Poor Rex has taken the blame for his fart. This means he can freely fluff his way through the meal. Five minutes later he farts again. "Rex!! This is your second warning!" shouts the father. The boyfriend feels sad for the dog, but relaxes all the same knowing that the father`s been fooled. Five minutes after that, the boyfriend farts again. The smell brings tears to his eyes. This time the father prods poor Rex with his foot and says, "Rex! Get out from under the table before this clown shits on you!" |