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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Horses. | An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. "Well...Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many blonde jokes exist? | How many blonde jokes exist? One. This one. The rest are all true. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Poor McGregor can't catch a break | A young Irishman sits down for a pint at his local pub, and soon the Scot on the stool next to him strikes up a conversation: You see the fishing pier out that window? asks the Scot. I built that pier with me own bare hands. But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-maker?' No. And he takes a drink of his whisky. You see the beautiful bar you're seated at? I planed it down with me own achin' back. But do they call me 'McGregor the Bar-maker?' No. And he takes a drink of his whisky. You see that long, stone fence in the distance? I built that fence by meself, stone upon stone. But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-maker?' No. And he takes a drink of his whisky. But you fuck one goat... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Another Smart(ish) Blonde Joke | Hot shot lawyer sitting next to a blonde on a plane. He's thinking to himself: "oh yea, let's make some quick cash off this bimbo". This is how it ensues: Lawyer: "Hi, we've got quite a long time sitting next to each other, so let's play a game, what do you say?" Blonde: "Ok, sure, what's the game about?" Lawyer: "I will ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you need to pay me $20. Then you ask me a question, if I don't know the answer I'll give you $200. Deal?" Blonde: "Ok, sounds great! What's your question?" Lawyer: "What's the square root of 625?" *Blonde hands him $20.* Lawyer: "What a shame the answer was 25, what's your question?" Blonde: "What's triangular, but actually square with a hole in the middle, has three legs and runs up and down the hill?" Lawyer at this stage starts to sweat a bit, tie feeling a bit tight, takes his smart phone and starts Googling the crap out of this, can't find a thing... Talks to a few of his golf buddies, couple of CEOs, rings a few Zoos, finally he gives up and hands over $200. The blonde takes the money. After a while the lawyer starts losing his patience and sais: "ok, you got me what's the fucking answer???" *Blonde hands him $20.* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Pickle Slicer | One day a man went into the doctors and said "Doc I really have the urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer" The doc replied "Why would you want to do that anyway why are you coming to me?" so he left. The next week he came back and said "I did it i stuck my dick in the pickle slicer and got fired." the doctor asked "so what happend to the pickle slicer" "oh she got fired too." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Sea captain joke | A young sailor is walking the docks and spots a sea captain, examining his deck. The sea captain has a peg leg, a hook and an eyepatch. The young sailor, curious, asks the captain "How did you get your peg leg?" The captain replies "Arrr it was a stormy night, and a gust of wind blew me of me boat. In the water a shark bit off me leg." The sailor then asks "How did you get the hook?" To which the captain replies "I was in a fierce sword fight with another bucanneer and the bastard cut off me hand." "Wow you are brave sea aged captain, but how did you get the eyepatch?" "Arrrgh a damned seagull pooped in me eye." "Why didn't you wipe it out?" "Twas me first day with the hook." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A young women is at a rooftop bar alone... | She sees a cute guy alone too, she walks up to him and asks him "so what are you drinking tonight?" he says "magic beer." Confused she laughs and responds "magic beer? Prove it!" so he takes a sip and jumps off the balcony then proceeds to fly around the building. Amazed she dares him to do it again...so he takes a sip of beer and does it again. She calls for the bartender, "can I have whatever he is having?" The bartender sends over a beer - she takes a sip, jumps off the balcony then falls thirty stories and dies on impact. The bartender looks over at the guy and yells "you know Superman, you can be a real asshole when you're drunk!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The new priest and the confessional booth. | A newly ordained priest is about to do his first stint in the confessional booth. A bit nervous, he asks the bishop for some advice and guidance. "Son", says the bishop, "here, take this book, I've listed all the common sins and their penance so don't be nervous at all". Armed with the book, the priest waits in the confessional booth for people to come and sure enough, a young lad comes in and says: "Forgive me father, I have sinned; I made out with a girl yesterday night for a full hour." The priest looks in his book and finds Kissing and according to the punishment listed there, tells the lad: "Son, go say five hail Mary's and may The Lord be with you." Next comes in a woman, "Forgive me father, I have sinned, I am not married but yesterday I had mind blowing fucking with a man." The priest looks in his books and lo and behold, the sin of fucking is listed there so he tells the woman; "May The Lord forgive you my child, you must say 10 hail Mary's." Finally, a teenage girl comes in and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned, yesterday after school my boyfriend fingered my pussy." The priest looks in his book over and over again but he can't find anything for "pussy fingering" - there's fucking, kissing, sucking, even dirty Sanchez listed in the book, but no pussy fingering. Finally, frustrated, he opens the confessional booth window, looks the girl straight in the eye and says, "Listen honey, why don't you go and fuck somebody and come back!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I changed my major from being an actuary. | I just couldn't handle the risk. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Seeing another person with synesthesia... | is like music to my eyes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Medical School Entrance Exam... | When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility. One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect." Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three men are hiking in a tropical jungle... | Three men are hiking in a tropical jungle when all of a sudden they are captured by a group of native warriors. These warriors bring the men to their village to see their leader. The leader tells the hikers "You will all be killed unless you complete my two challenges. The first of which is to bring back 10 of any kind of fruit." The hikers are all terrified and run in separate directions into the jungle. A short time later the first returns with 10 apples. The leader then says "Your second challenge is to shove all of the fruit up your ass or you'll be killed." As the first man is trying to complete the challenge he sees the second man come back with grapes. The first man gets to 4 but can't do anymore and is then swiftly beheaded. The first man is in the afterlife when all of a sudden the second man pops up next to him. The first man asks "What happened you had grapes?" "Well I got to 9 but I busted out laughing and they all shot out." "Why?" "When the third guy got back he was carrying pineapples." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Harry is taking a stroll through the woods.... | ...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound. Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole. Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?" Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole. Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a fraternity and a gang? | Gangs don't have to pay for friends. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Finally, a smart blonde joke. | A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies..... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The clock was hungry... | So he went back four seconds |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The police finally catch a notorious criminal, | so the chief himself decides to interrogate him. Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?" Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to figure out my area of expertise." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Paybacktime | A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Haegel, Nietzsche and Aristotle walk into a bar... | Why? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I saw a guy at an ATM with no arms, and a peg leg | He asked if I would help him check his balance... so I pushed him over |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call an army of lesbians? | Militia Etheridge |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why don't orphans play hide and seek? | Because no one will look for them. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the blonde wear green lipstick? | Because red means stop ;D |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | spanish oysters | An English man stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Andalucía. While sipping his beer, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles, from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The man said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Priest is working in a confessional... | It's a slow day, and after awhile he finds himself in need to use the restroom. Unable to leave the confessional unattended, he calls over the church's janitor. "I'm sorry, but would you mind covering my post for a short bit? It's the easiest thing in the world, all you need to do is sit here, and if anyone comes in, just consult this guide-book: it has every possible sin in it and what you should say in response." The janitor agrees and the priest heads off to the bathroom, wouldn't you know it, as soon as he leaves, a teenage girl comes in to confess. With no other choice, the janitor tries as best as he can. "Tell me your sins, child." "Well Father, me and my boyfriend... the other day... we kissed." The janitor flips through the book, finds kissing. "say one hail mary and don't do it again." "The thing is Father... we actually did a bit more than that... we had sex." The janitor flips through the book, finds premarital sex. "say two hail mary's and don't do it again. "well... in all honesty, Father... my boyfriend is a bit kinky... and we actually did anal..." "You've got to be kidding me," thinks the janitor. He flips through the book, but as hard as he looks, he can't find the entry for anal sex, it is simply not in the guidebook. Now the janitor is starting to freak, worried both he and the priest will be found out, and that he could loose his job. Quickly, he peaks outside the confessional door and spots an altar boy walking by. "psssst." hisses the janitor, calling the alter boy over, "quick, what does Father O'Thomas give for anal?" The alter boy thinks for a moment then replies... "Two Butterfingers and a ride home?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | One day God is walking on Earth and a man approaches him. | Man: "Hey God, isn't 1 million years like a second to you?" God: "Hm, that's pretty accurate. 1 million years is like a second to me" Man: "Then 1 million dollars would be like... a penny to you, wouldn't it?" God: "Yes, a million dollars would be like a penny to me." Man: "Then, can I have 1 million dollars?" God: "Sure. Just a sec." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man on a plane keeps sneezing | A man sitting on a plane keeps sneezing, and every time he sneezes he puts tissues down his pants. The man sitting next to him asks, "why do you put tissues down your pants every time you sneeze?". The man replies, "because I ejaculate every time I sneeze". The man sitting next to him says, "that's awful! Are you taking anything for it?" The man replies "pepper". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I figured something was fishy with my doctor | when he was giving me a rectal exam, but he had both hands on my shoulders. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What has more brains than Kurt Cobain? | The wall behind him. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why does a chicken coup have two doors? | If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Another masochist joke. Self post. hope you guys like it! | Self post! Just wanted to share it because i like it. A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds. "How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. Silence took over... and the masochist says: "Meow." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Fourteen!" | a man walks by a mental hospital and over the wall he can hear the patients saying,"Fourteen" over and over again. The wall is too high to see over and as he walks along it he sees a small hole. Bending down to look through and see why they are chanting "Fourteen", he can see some movement. All of a sudden a stick pushes through into his eye! Then he hears...Fifteen!...Fifteen!...Fifteen!!! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man joins the navy... | A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain. He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy." The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns. "Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!" "Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday." "Why not Thursday?" "That's your day in the barrel." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Lipstick Girls | A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. | Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table. He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, "Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you." Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast. 'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?' 'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye." 'Christ!' says the man. "Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?' 'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, "Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!'' <Credit: I ripped this joke off, verbatim, from Irishjokes.com. I thought it was funny enough to share here> |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two Mexican Brothers | So two brothers, Ramon and Emelio, escape from a prison deep in the Mexican desert. They run for days and days through the hot and and the heat begins to take its toll. They are getting hungrier and thirstier and, all in all, more and more exhausted. Suddenly, Ramon collapses. He looks up, reaching out his hand. "Emelio, look!" Emelio looks, he sees nothing. "Ramon, what's wrong? What is it?" "Look at that tree, Emelio! Bacon sprouts from its branches! We are saved!" "Ramon, it's just a mirage, there's nothing there!" Ramon summons up all his strength and runs for the tree, Emelio still protesting that it's nothing but a mirage. Five prison guards pop up from the sand and fire on Ramon, knocking him to the ground, fatally wounded. Emelio runs to his brother's side. "Jesus, Ramon, are you okay?" "Emelio...it wasn't a bacon tree...it was a hambush" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Brit, a Frenchman, and a Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in Eden. | The Frenchman says "they must be French, look at them, they are naked and eating fruit". The Brit says "No, they are English, look how politely the man offers the woman the fruit". The Russian says "You are both wrong, they are Russian. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and think they are in paradise |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi? | People in Dubai don't watch the Flinstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A priest and a rabbi | are sitting in a park watching some kids play. The priest turns to the rabbi and says "Man, I really wanna fuck these kids." The Rabbi replies "Outta what?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was shopping in asda today.... | I was shopping in Asda today and there was a weird looking child running around like a lunatic. I said to the bloke standing next to me, "that is one ugly fucking kid." He looked at me and snarled, "do you mind, that's my son over there." I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were his dad." He said, "I'm not his dad. I'm his mother!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Just another Johnny joke | One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?" "Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad. Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom." "No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher. Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee. Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!" Johnny says,"That's nothing you should see my fathers." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Just an affair | A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Ed Zachary | A man goes to see an asian sex therapist because he can't figure out why he can't get a girlfriend and have sex. The therapist says, "Take off yoo crose and craw on rug reery fass!" The man does what he's told and he crawls naked on the floor. The therapist says, "Stop! I have diagnosis. Yoo have Ed Zachary disease." The man asks, "What is that?" The therapist replies, "It when yoo face rook Ed Zachary rike yoo arse!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? | To get to the other side. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Wrong Approach.. | Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says: "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says: "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?'... she never even stirs!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The hippy and the nun | A hippy gets on the bus. When he sees a nun he likes, he walks up to her and says "Wanna have sex with me?" The nun replies "Heavens no!" and runs off the bus. When the hippy gets off the bus at the next stop, the bus driver says "See that grave over there? That nun goes over there every night at 8:30. If you dress up as a ghost, then she will have no option, other than to have sex with you". The hippy nods and gets off the bus. At 8:30, the hippy goes to to the graveyard, dressed as a ghost, and hides behind the grave. The nun then comes, and starts praying. Then, th hippy stands up and says "I command you to have sex with me!" The nun replies "Oh.. Ok then.. But I have an oath of virginity, so it will have to be from err.. Behind." They then go back to the hippies apartment. Afterwards, the hippy runs away going "Haha I am the hippy!", and the nun runs away going "Haha I am the bus driver!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests... | A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Where do you find a paraplegic
| Where you left them |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Mirror Inspector | When I think about it, inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the sea say to the beach? | Nothing, it just waved. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | what do you call a priest who quits to become a lawyer? | ..... a father in law. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Have you heard of the Tempura House? | It's a shelter for lightly battered women. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I got a divorce for my birthday. | When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special. We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends. I was sitting on the couch naked. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Birthday sex | Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Brit, a Scott, and an Irishman... | So a Britt, a Scott, and an Irishman walk into a bar. They all sit down and order their ales of choice. While they are talking, a fly dives into each of their ales. Disgusted, the Brit says, "Bartender a new ale please" and continues drinking his new ale. The Scott looks at the fly in his ale and couldn't be bothered and says, "Ah to hell with it" and drinks the whole thing, fly and all. When the Irishman notices his fly he pulls the fly out of the ale, violently squeezes it and yells, "Spit it out you damn bugger! Spit it out!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two middle aged gentlemen are seated next to each other at a wedding reception | Gentleman 1: Not too long ago the bride used to play in my lap. Look at her now, getting married, looking so pretty... Gentleman 2: You must be her uncle, right? Gentleman 1: Nope. I am her boss. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A construction worker on the 5th floor... | A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning *I*, pointed to his knee meaning *need*, then moved his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating. The worker on the 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says: *"What the fuck is your problem!? I said I needed a handsaw!"* The other guy says: *"I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My grandfather's favorite | A homeless man was walking down the street, noticeable wearing only one shoe. A passing policeman saw and commented, "Morning, did you lose your shoe?" The homeless man replies, "I didn't lose a shoe, I found one!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man sees a dog mauling a small girl... | ...and runs over to help. After the girl gets away, a nearby journalist comes to the man and says "That was incredible! Tomorrow, the headlines will read 'Brave New Yorker Saves Girl'", to which the man replies "But I am not a New Yorker." The journalist then says "Then they will read 'Brave American Saves Girs'", and again the man replies "But I am not an American!" The journalist then asks, "Then where are you from?" The man smiles and says "I am an Afghan!" The next day, the headlines read "Islamic Extremist Murders Innocent American Dog" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why is Tigger always dirty? | Because he plays with Pooh |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Man sits down at his neighborhood bar... | the bartender said "you look very happy today." The man responded that he so happy since he met a woman. The man explained that he met her a week ago while walking along the railroad tracks on the way home from the bar. "Since the moment we met, she hasn't left my side" the man explains. The bartender asked "did you have sex with her?" The man responds "oh yeah, 3 times a day." The bartender then asked "did you eat her out? The man replies, "oh yeah, she loves it!" The bartender then asked if he got head? The man replied, "no, I couldn't find that." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many girlfriends does it take to change a lightbulb? | I don't know... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you know I'm dating a dental hygienist? | She has the cleanest teeth I've ever come across. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a leper and a tree? | A tree has limbs. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It takes a village to raise a child... | ...it takes a child with a flamethrower to raze a village. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a masturbating cow? | Beef strokin' off. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's better than roses on your piano? | - tulips on your organ. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Whats worse than having a lobster on yer piano? | Having crabs on yer organ! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call an anorexic girl that has a yeast infection? | A quarter-pounder with cheese. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is the difference between a man and a dog? | A man wears a suit and the dog, pants. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Friends are like trees... | They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The greatest swordsman in the world. | There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was. The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent. The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush. One of the judges proceeded to release a small black fly and let it buzz around the stage. With the flick of his wrist and faster than you can blink the fly hit the ground in two pieces. The audience bursts into applause as the swordsman steps back. Next is the second swordsmans turn and he faces the same challenge. The fly is is released and in two swift motions he cuts the fly into four pieces. The audience is even more impressed and gives the man a standing ovation. Finally the third swordsman takes the spotlight and another fly is released onto the stage. The swordsman takes one quick swish at the fly but it continues to fly around the stage. The audience is dumbstruck. Finally someone from the audience speaks up: "sir... The fly is still alive." "Ah, si" replies the swordsman "but he will never be a father" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What candy do you give your wife before you get married? | Pre-nup brittle. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three Engineers | A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God. The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God must be a mechanical engineer!" The electrical engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the human body - the nerve system routes electrical signals to the brain which is essentially a computer. God must be an electrical engineer!" The civil engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is a civil engineer. Just look at the human body - only a civil engineer would run a toxic waste pipe through a playground." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? | I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | a waiter walks up to a table of yentas and asks, | "is ANYTHING alright?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It says...... | Deep in the chambers of the monastery Father Seamus is transcribing scripture. As Father Ignatius walks by he sees Father Seamus sobbing uncontrollably. "Father Seamus! What ever could be troubling you so!!??!!" said Father Ignatius. Father Seamus, wiping his tears, says: "It says CELEBRATE." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What happens when you find bones on the moon? | The cow didn't make it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If a woman with big boobs works at Hooters where does a woman with one leg work? | IHOP |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Drinking too much | Every night a guy would come home blitzed out of his mind and puke in the kitchen sink. His wife grew tired of this and always berated him, "Johnny! One of these nights you are going to come home and puke your guts out!!" He doesn't listen so she decides to put a chicken's worth of chicken guts in the sink to teach him a lesson. That night Johnny comes home and again pukes in the sink..... The next morning his wife says, "You see it finally happened...." Johnny says, "You were right dear but through the grace of God and your long handled spoon.....I got them all back in again" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A lady wants to surprise her husband | So on their anniversary, she buys a pair of crotchless panties. She slides them on, lies back on the bed, and waits for him to get home. When he arrives and opens the bedroom door, she says, grinning and winking, "What's up baby? You want some of this?" Her husband takes one look and replies, "Hell no! Look what it's done to your panties!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the hardest part about eating a brownie? | Having to face her parents at the sentencing. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A teacher asks her class... | A teacher asks her class "if there are 5 birds sitting on a wall and you shoot one of them how many are left?" She calls on little johnny "none they all fly away at the first gunshot" the teacher replies "the correct answer is 4 but I like your thinking" then little johnny replies "now I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream. One is delicately liking the sides of a triple scoop ice cream, the second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone and the third is biting of the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher blushes and replies "well I guess the one that is gobbling down top and sucking the cone" "the correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An engineer, physicist and mathematician are in an interview (with no accountants) ... | An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are in an interview. The engineer is asked, 'What is 2+2?'. The engineer instantly pulls out his calculator, but since its floating point processor firmware has a bug, 2+2 gives him 3.999 which he tells the panel. The physicist is asked the same question, and he replies 'Well, using a back of the envelope calculation, 2 is order of magnitude 1. Adding two numbers of magnitude 1, will result in a number less than order of magnitude 2. Therefore 2 + 2 is less than 100'. They finally pose the problem to the mathematician, and he pulls out this notebook and starts scribbling. 30 minutes later, he looks up the panel and triumphantly declares, 'It converges!!!' |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Muslim extremists have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London... | Police think it might be the early start of Ram-a-dam. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Recently I felt Funny and came over Queasy... | At which point I was told to leave the local theatre adaption of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A soon-to-be-wed couple are snuggling in bed after sex one night... | ...The man suggests that they come clean about any straying that they may have done since they got together. "It`s best to get this stuff out in the open before the wedding," he explains. The woman replies, "Oh darling. Don`t you remember? We went through all this a month ago." The man takes a deep breath and says, "Aah...yes...But that was a month ago..." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised the when the pilots arrive. | The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised when the pilots arrive. The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane. The cockpit door closes, the engines start up. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway. Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Want to hear a good pee joke? | Well urine luck. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does Salvador Dahli eat for breakfast? | Surreal. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a gay man's moustache and a straight man's moustache? | The smell. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife called me mean... | ... so I called her average. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A woman is marrying a sailor | Before the wedding night her father warns her "Now lass, when you get to bed tonight he might demand it 'the other way around'" "What do you mean" she asks but he tells her she'll find out soon enough. The wedding night comes and goes without the groom asking for it the other way around and through 10 years of marriage still no request. Finally the woman can contain her curiosity any longer and says to her husband "Would you like it 'the other way around' tonight?" To which he replies "What - and risk you getting pregnant?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Nurse pops her head into the doctor's office..... | Nurse: 'Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.' Doctor: 'Tell him I can't see him.' |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A lady runs up to a golf pro giving a lesson ... | ... and says "Help! I've just been stung by a bee!". The golf pro asks where. The lady says "Between the first and second holes." The pro says, "Well, I can tell you right now your stance is way too wide." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Do you know what the kid with no hands got for Christmas? | Me neither. He couldn't open his presents. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How much does a midget stripper with three kids get paid? | Mini-mom wage. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic transvestite? | He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A statistician and his wife are going I vacation. | As they are packing, the statistician puts a bomb in his suit case. "Good god, what's that for?" His wife asks. "Well, there's low odds of one bomb being on a plane, what are the odds of there being two?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | SIXTY NINER anybody? | A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, " If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy |