instruction
stringclasses 1
value | input
stringlengths 1
300
| output
stringlengths 1
2k
|
|---|---|---|
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | One I just heard. | Part of me says "I can't keep drinking like this." The other part of me says "Don't listen to that guy. He's drunk." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There was a fly hovering six inches above a lake | In the middle of the woods there was a small lake. In the middle of this lake there was a fly hovering six inches above the water. Down in the water there was a fish. And the fish said: If that fly drops six inches...I'm going to get that fly. A little ways away from that there was a bear. And the bear saw the fly and said: If that fly drops six inches, and that fish gets that fly...I'm going to get that fish. A little ways away from that there was a hunter. And the hunter saw the fly and said: If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, and that bear gets that fish...I'm going to shoot that bear. A little ways away from that there was a mouse. And the mouse saw the fly and said: If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, that bear gets that fish, that hunter shoots that bear...I'm going to steal that hunters cheese. A little ways away from that there was a cat. And the cat saw the fly and said: If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, that bear gets that fish, that hunter shoots that bear, that mouse steals that cheese...I'm going to eat that mouse. Now for a brief moment everything stood still. There was silence everywhere as everyone watched the fly. All of a sudden, the fly dropped six inches. The fish jumped up and grabbed the fly, the bear ran in and got the fish, the hunter took aim and shot the bear, the mouse ran up to steal the hunters cheese, and the cat jumped at the mouse to eat him, but at the very last second the mouse saw the cat and jumped out of the way and the cat landed in the lake. Now the moral of the story is: When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | About 2/3 of the Atheists I know were raised catholic, and I can't help but wonder... | Was the sex really that bad? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | WHY WAS THE BROOM LATE FOR WORK? | BECAUSE IT OVERSWEPT. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | All jeans are skinny jeans... | ...if you're fat enough. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does it sound like when a Pterodactyl urinates? | There is no sound... The P is silent. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why was the peanut rushed to the hospital? | He was a"salted" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Timbuktu | In the finals of a national poetry contest, the last two contestants are a Harvard graduate and a redneck. The Harvard graduate steps forward to receive the last subject. The judges tell him 'Timbuktu'. He thinks for a moment and recites his poem: Across the vast and open sands March a lonely caravan. As they march, two by two Destination Timbuktu The crowd goes wild as the redneck steps forward. The judges tell him his subject is Timbuktu. He thinks for a while, when a big grin spreads across his face. A huntin me and my friend Tim went. We found three whores in a pop-up tent. Of them were three, and of us were two, so I bucked one and Tim-buck-two! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | WHAT DO YOU CALL A FAKE NOODLE? | AN IMPASTA. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Borrowed Car | One day Phil had to borrow a car, so he asked his friend Bob. Bob said that it was fine, so he gave Phil the keys and told him to return them by the end of the day. A week later, Phil hadn't returned the car. Bob called Phil angrily and asked why he hadn't given it back yet. Phil replied, "I drove by your house a bunch of times, but I didn't see your car in the driveway, so I thought you weren't home!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? | Don't know, don't care. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke? | Yours. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | After having Chinese food, my cookie was missing the piece of paper on the inside! | It was unfortunate. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | W E N D Y | A couple just got married and before their honeymoon to Jamaica the young man decided to get his new gals name tattooed on his junk, forever marking it as belonging to her. Normally only the W and Y are visible, but when he gets excited it spells out W E N D Y. While in Jamaica they decided to visit a nude beach, and while at the beach the young guy couldn't help but spot a local with what he thought was the same tattoo. He walks up to the local and asks, "Hey man, do you also have a girlfriend named Wendy? It seems we have matching tattoos!" The Jamaican replies, " Na mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica mon, have a nice day.'" Edit: spelling/grammer |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man calls his brother's home... | ... and his little nephew Timmy answers the phone. The man says, "Can I talk to your daddy?" Timmy says, "No, he's busy." The man says, "Can I talk to your mommy?" Timmy says, "No, she's busy too." The man says, "Well is there anyone else at the house?" Timmy says, "Yeah, the police." The man becomes alarmed and says, "What's wrong? Can I talk to one of the policemen?" Timmy says, "No, they're all busy." The man gets frustrated and says, "Why is everyone so damn busy?" Timmy lets out a hushed giggle and says, "They're looking for me!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | WHY DO COWS LIE DOWN IN THE RAIN? | TO KEEP EACH UDDER DRY. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What r/Jokes could become. | There was a large group of comedians who met every week to share jokes and swap tips and stories. However, after some time of this, they all knew every one each others' jokes by memory, and seeing each person stand on stage an tell the whole joke over and over, week after week, became quite tedious. To solve this problem, they gave each joke a number, which they all memorized. So, after this, the comedian presenting at the time would stand on stage and call out a series of numbers, and then all the others would chuckle as they remembered each of the jokes. One day, this was going on, and the comedian presenting at the time called out "143", and all the others chuckled for a moment or two. However, there was one man in the back roaring with laughter. He laughed for several minutes, falling out of his chair and rolling on the floor. After he had calmed down enough to speak, they asked him what was so funny about that joke. He replied "Well you see, I hadn't heard that one before!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the condom fly around the room? | It was pissed off. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I like my girlfriends the same way I like my Windows | 8 |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A white man walks into a bar with his horse... | And says,"I'll give a 100$ to a man who can make my horse laugh." Nobody says anything except for the native man in the back,"I can" he says and brings the horse out of the bar. A little bit later he brings him back in and the horse is laughing. The white man gives him 100$ and leaves. The next day the same white man walks into the bar and says, "I'll give 100$ to a man who can make my horse cry." Nobody says anything except for the same native guy in the back. "I can" he says and brings the horse out, and than brings the horse back in and the horse is crying." The white man, amazed, said,"before I give you this 100$ can you tell me how you made my horse laugh and cry?" The native man says, "the first day I said I had a bigger penis than him, the next day I showed him." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man and a beautiful busty blonde are sitting on a train... | A man is sitting across from a beautiful busty blonde on a train, who is wearing a tiny mini skirt. To his delight he notices that she has no panties on The beautiful blonde notices him looking at her pussy and asks "Excuse me are you looking at my pussy?" "Oh I am so sorry I promise not to look again" "That's ok it's very talented. It can blow kisses. Would you like to see?" The man stunned by this proposal agrees, "Yes sure." The blonde opens her legs and her pussy blows him a kiss. The man getting real interested inquires "Can it do anything else?" "Yes sure it can wink" said the blonde, and sure enough the talented pussy winks. The man can't believe it and said "That's great! Thank you!" The blonde asks "Come sit with me." The man takes the seat beside her and the blonde says "Would you like to put a couple of fingers in?" The man stunned replies "Fuck me! Can it whistle too!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A businessman is driving to an important meeting when his car breaks down... | Luckily, he breaks down near a mechanic, who agrees to tow his truck and fix it for him. However, the it would take awhile to fix, the businessman was going to be late if he didn't get going soon. Luckily, the mechanic had a donkey he was willing to lend to the businessman. "There's only two things you need to know. To make him go, say 'Thank goodness'. To make him stop, say 'Woah'." The businessman thanked the mechanic, put his briefcase in the saddlebag, and shouted "Thank goodness". Now, the donkey quickly got into a regular rhythm, and the businessman, tired for lack of sleep, soon feel asleep. He awoke sometime later to see the donkey idiotically careening towards a cliff. "WOAH" he shouted, and the donkey started to slow down. Just at the edge of the cliff, the donkey comes to a full stop. "Phew," the man said "Thank goodness" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm getting pissed off now to be honest... | My wife hasn't stopped looking through the window since it started raining. I don't get it. If it gets any worse than this, I might just have to let her back in. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Pill... (Semi-NSFW) | It's the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid getting pregnant. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the similarity between smoking a cigarette and eating pussy? | The taste changes the closer you get to the butt. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the Buddhist get for Christmas? | Presence. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So I hear Lil Wayne is in critical condition. I think it has to do with his lungs... | He's always been a lil weezy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Little Johnny goes camping | Little Johnny's Second Grade class is going camping for a class field trip. As nighttime comes, all the children get set up in their tents and get ready to fall asleep. A few hours go by, a storm approaches and thunder begins clapping, and little Johnny can't seem to sleep. Little Johnny gets out of his sleeping bag and wanders over to his teacher's tent. Little Johnny tells his teacher that on stormy nights like this, his mom lets him crawl into bed with her to keep him safe. Little Johnny's teacher thinks for a moment and while she knows it would be inappropriate and possibly viewed as favoritism, she doesn't want little Johnny to be afraid of the storm and lets him come on into her tent. Johnny tells his teacher that his mother sometimes lets him under the covers and snuggle with her because it helps calm him down and asks if his teacher would allow him to do the same. She hesitates but then decides there's nothing wrong with letting Little Johnny under the covers to curl up next to her. The night goes on and Little Johnny is still scared, he tells his teacher that on the worst nights, his mother lets him put his finger in her belly button because it helps soothe him even more. Little Johnny's teacher thinks that this is too much and she should not let a second grader play with her belly button, but the storm is really bad this night and she thinks that maybe it will finally help little Johnny get some sleep, so she allows him. A few minutes pass and little Johnny's teacher jumps up and screams at little Johnny, "Little Johny, STOP! What are you doing? That's not my belly button!" Little Johnny sits in the corner smirking, "That ain't my finger either." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when.. | ...her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and make love." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's private parts. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together... | ....discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father The second Catholic woman chirps, Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Grace The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Eminence. The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle.. Well? She replies, My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2"; hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say, Oh my God. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning.... | ...(coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??' Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.' Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside.. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The Englishman listens in silence. The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??' Englishman: 'Of Course.' Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). 'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .' After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?' Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk. Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?' Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.' Englishman: 'We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .' |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Magical Mirror | There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there's a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you one wish... but if you lie - POOF! - it swallows you up for eternity. A brunette, redhead, and a blonde walk into that very bar - with a mission. They head straight for the magic mirror. The redhead goes first and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth" POOF! - the mirror swallows her up and she's gone for eternity. The brunette goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth" POOF - now she's gone too. Lastly, the blonde goes up to the mirror says " I think........" - POOF! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Dropping off a Cat | A man hated his wife's cat and wanted get rid of it. He drove 2 miles from home and dropped off the cat. The cat was already walking up their driveway as he got back to their house. The next day he decided to drive the cat 6 miles away but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing how far away he took the cat but the cat kept coming back. Finally, he decided to drive the cat 30 miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and left the cat there. Hours later, the man called his wife at home and asked her, "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. "Put that cat on the phone. I’m lost and I need directions!” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If the letters fall off your company's logo... | ...maybe it's a bad sign. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The wire brush | One of the few genuinely funny jokes I know that I originally learned in English: During World War I, a British general is visiting an Army hospital. He shakes the hand of one soldier, who is lying in bed. "What's wrong with you, son?" "Gonorrhea, Sir!" "What is the treatment for gonorrhea in the British Army?" "The wire brush, Sir!" "What is your fondest desire?" "To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!" The general then turns to another soldier. "What's wrong with you, son?" "Hemorrhoids, Sir!" "What is the treatment for hemorrhoids in the British Army?" "The wire brush, Sir!" "What is your fondest desire?" "To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!" The general then turns to a third soldier. "What's wrong with you, son?" (softly) "Laryngitis, Sir!" "What is the treatment for laryngitis in the British Army?" (softly) "The wire brush, Sir!" "I see that you have difficulty speaking. Is it true that your fondest desire is to recover and to serve the King and the country?" (softly) "Nay, Sir. It is to grab the wire brush before the others, Sir." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A drunken farmer... | A drunken farmer comes home late one night holding a sheep under his arm. He walks into the bedroom and says "This is the pig I've been fucking!" His wife says "You idiot! That's not a pig, that's a sheep!" The farmer says "Will you shut the fuck up! I was talking to the sheep!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's worse than a lobster on your piano? | Crabs on your organ! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | probably won't get him laid | A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." she said while winking at him. "Yes, I guess I did." came his reply. "Who are you?", she asked. "Cupid throwing love arrows?" "No, I'm Legolas killing orcs" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two ten year old boys sitting on the steps to a brothel... | ... watching men enter and exit all day. At one point, two men come out smiling, laughing and talking loudly to each other. "Not bad for fifty bucks!" Says the first man with a large smile. "Not bad." Agrees the second with a grin and a wink. The first boy has an idea and immediately turns to the second. "How much money have you got?" He asks. "Thirty cents." Says the second. "Give it here," he checks his own pockets and states, "I got twenty." The boys knock on the door and anxiously wait. The door opens to reveal a beautiful smiling woman wearing a loose housecoat. Her false smile fades as she notices the two young boys looking at her with amazement. "What do you want?" She asks. "We want to see what is so good for Fifty bucks." Says the first boy. "You do, eh?" she says with a raised eyebrow. "How much money you got?" "Fifty cents" pipes up the second boy. "Heh," she chuckles "you kids are funny. Give it here and I'll show you." The boys give the money to the woman and she quickly opens her housecoat to reveal her large breasts. She grabs the first boy by the hair, hugs him close to her and squeezes his head between her enormous orbs. She quickly shakes her torso causing his head to bounce from breast to breast. She releases the first boy and quickly repeats this treatment with the second. The boys are so breathless and stunned the never hear the door close behind them. The first boy turns to the second with a grin and says, "Not bad for fifty cents." The second boy smiles and says, "yeah, not bad, but I don't think I could handle fifty bucks worth!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An atheist in the forest... | stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call it when Batman skips church? | Christian Bail. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Jesus VS Satan | Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So a man is a little drunk at the bar | And he has decided that he's feeling a little randy, and there is a prostitute at the same bar that he wants to approach. So he asks his buddy for 20$, then goes and approaches the girl. He asks her how much to get laid, and she says "100$". He frowns, knowing that he doesn't have that much and inquires about a BJ, to which he's informed that it would be 50$. Exasperated at this point, he inquires if he can get a handjob for 20$. The prostitute thinks for a few minutes, then agrees, and they go outside into the parking lot. 45 minutes later, the prostitute returns to the bar with disheveled hair, her makeup is messed up, she's missing a shoe, and is still panting like she just had mind-blowingly good sex. Upon seeing her, the bartender inquires if she's OK, and then further into what happened since she just went out with the intention of giving a handjob. She looks up at the bartender and says, "Well, we went out there and into the back of his car. I put one hand around his dick...and then the other hand around his dick... and then I lent him 80$." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy walks into a bar... | He asks the bartender for eight shots of whiskey, doesn't matter what kind. Bartender asks "What's the special occasion?" The guy says "I'm celebrating my first blow job..." The guy takes three shots quickly. The bartender says "congratulations! Have one on me, but why so many shots?" The guy says "To get the taste out of my mouth." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Queens Riddle | Barack Obama met with the Queen of Great Britain. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?" David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!" Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's David Cameron!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A poor couple... | A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have sex. One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife humping the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? | In case they get a hole in one! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Here in California Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers. | They call them "I can't believe it's not Jesus" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | MacGregor, the... | A man walked into a bar in Scotland, sat down and ordered a drink. Next to him was a leathery old Scotsman, well into the bottle in front of him. The man asked the Scotsman if there was something the matter. The Scot replied (in Groundskeeper Willy brogue); "Aye lad, indeed there is. You see this bar here? I made this bar with me own two hands, slowly crafting it in the time-honored way of my forebears. It took me 4 months, but do they call me MacGregor the bar-builder? Noooooo. " "You know the dock that your ferry landed at the night before? I built that dock with me own bare hands, finely honing each joint so that it would withstand the weather that mother nature unravels upon it. It took nigh a year, but do they call me MacGregor the dock-builder? Noooooo." "And do you recall the livery stable you passed on the way into town? I stood that stable up in six months, with nary a bit o' help. To this day that stable is one of the finest in all of Scotland. But do they call me MacGregor that stable-maker? Nooooooo." "But you fuck one goat..." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I recently learned that bison of eastern new york who are bullied by bison of the same region mimic the behavior upon the remainder of the community. In other words... | Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The grammar teacher said "In English, two negatives make an affirmative, but two affirmatives never make a negative." A student replied... | "Yeah, right!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An Awesome Band... | I went to go see a Muslim tribute act last night. They were called Bomb Jovi and man, they were awesome. Their last song, the classic "Living on A Prayer Mat" almost brought the fucking house down. Afterwards I got chatting to this girl... well, I think she was a girl. I couldn't see much but she had lovely eyes... and she told me she had the whole Koran on DvD. I asked her to burn me a copy... and then it all kicked off! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Just a good son taking care of his old dad | Late in the night, a mother hears noises in the lobby. she goes to check it out, and sees her son preparing to leave the house: "Where are you going so late and on this weather?" "Well, i'm going to the whore-house" "How dare you?! You are only 15 ! Get back to bed immediately !" Aproximately an hour later, she hears noises in the lobby again. Goes to check it out, her son was there again: "Where the hell do you think you're going ?" "To the whore-house, mom !" "You just drop that umbrella and get in bed immediately !" "Well, i can't wait to see how dad's gonna get home in this rain !" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The old Priest | In Washington, DC, an old Priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his Nurse to come near. “Yes, Father?" said the Nurse. "I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the Priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the Nurse. The Nurse had the request sent to the President and Congress and all waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the Priest. As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the old Priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Reid agreed that it was a good thing. When they arrived at the Priest's room, the Priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old Priest's face. Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you neared the end?" The old Priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." "Amen," said Obama. "Amen," said Reid. The old Priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; in fulfilling that consummate desire, I wanted to do the same." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How did the blond chip her tooth? | With her vibrator |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Brake fluid | I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man walks into a brothel... | So a man walks into a brothel. He's a little down on his luck and only has $5. He asks the woman at the front desk, "So what can I get with this?" and hands her the $5. She takes the money and says, "Second door on the left." The man goes to the room and sees a chicken on the bed. He's confused and searches the room for a woman. He fails to do so and looks at the chicken. "Well, I guess it's better than nothing." He proceeds to have sex with the chicken. Turns out it was the best he's ever had. A week later he comes back with $1. "So, uhh, what can I get for this?" The woman at the front desk says, "First room on the left." He walks into the room and sees a bunch of guys crowded around a hole in the wall. He gets a chance to peek through and sees two sexy lesbians getting it on. "Man, they're really going at it," he says, "This is pretty crazy." One guy from the crowd says, "Oh that's nothing. You should have been here last week, there was a dude fucking a chicken." Edit: Prevented a time paradox or two |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why arent There Many jewish gardeners? | Because money doesnt grow on trees |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?
| All that was left was de brie. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The homeless man and the farmer. | A homeless man is traveling from town to town and sees a farm, he finds the farmer and asks if he can work for some money. The farmer being a nice and charitable man agrees. He says, "clean out the horse stables, feed the pigs, and collect the eggs from the hen coop, and I'll give you 50$ when you're done." The homeless man agrees, and gets to work. He cleans out the horse stables no problem, feeds the pigs in record time, and collects all the eggs without breaking a single one. As he's walking back to tell the farmer he had finished, he sees a cow tied to a tree. He decides to milk the cow to show how grateful he is to the farmer. The man has some trouble milking the cow, as he had never been on a farm or milked a cow before, but he finally succeeds and gets a bucket's worth. The man decides to try the milk, straight from the teat. he takes a drink, thinks it has a funky taste, but insists that's how it must taste straight from the source. So eggs and bucket in hand, the homeless man finds the farmer and says "I cleaned out the stables, fed the pigs, and collected all the eggs, and boy do you have a stubborn cow!" The farmer gives him a funny look and says "we don't have a cow... We have a *bull*..." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Timmy and Johnny having a relaxing day at the house. | Timmy and Johnny, two brothers were having a relaxed day at the house, Timmy, the older one was out splitting wood when Johnny comes and asks him if he could help, Timmy asks in reply "Can your pecker touch your asshole?" Johnny says "No." and Timmy tells him when his pecker can touch his asshole he can help him with the wood. Timmy then went to clean his gun, and, once again Johnny asks Timmy if he can help. Timmy asks him again "Can your pecker touch your asshole?" Johnny says "no." so Timmy tells him that he can help clean the gun when his pecker can touch his asshole. Later in the evening Timmy is watching a scary movie and Johnny asks him if he can watch it too and the same exchange happens "can your pecker touch your asshole?" "no." "you can watch it when your pecker can touch your asshole." The next morning Johnny is having the last doughnut for breakfast, and Timmy asks him if he could have a small piece. So Johnny asks him "Can your pecker touch your asshole?"Timmy replies, "Yes, yes it can." to which Johnny retorts "Then go fuck yourself." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man walks into a bar carrying a dog... | The dog has no legs. The bartender looks at the legless dog and asks the man, "What's your dog's name?" The man replies, "Cigarette." The bartender looks at him puzzled. "Why did you name him Cigarette?" The man replies, "Because every morning, I take him out for a drag." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Third Wish | An elderly man was sitting alone on a dark path, right? He wasn’t certain of which direction to go, and he’d forgotten both where he was traveling to and whom he was. He’d sat down for a moment to rest his weary legs, and suddenly looked up to see an elderly woman before him. She grinned toothlessly and with a cackle, spoke: Now your third wish. What will it be? Third wish? The man was baffled. How can it be a third wish if I haven’t had a first and second wish? You’ve had two wishes already, the hag said, but your second wish was for me to return everything to the way it was before you had made your first wish. That’s why you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. She cackled at the poor berk. So it is that you have one wish left. All right, said the man, I don’t believe this, but there’s no harm in wishing. I wish to know who I am. Funny, said the old woman as she granted his wish and disappeared forever. That was your first wish. From Planescape: Torment |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a pile of frog dung? | Toad stools |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did one tampon say to the other tampon? | Nothing. They are both stucked up c**ts. Edit: I understand this is probably a re-post joke but I thought it was [funny] (http://assets0.ordienetworks.com/images/GifGuide/DealWithIt/tumblr_l6ouy08TEp1qz9muno1_r1_400.gif) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you know if your roommate is gay? | His dick tastes like shit. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a Black-Asian? | Hung |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I hate all these PI days jokes | They go on forever. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Ethiopian jokes I've heard from over the years. | What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese What do you call an Ethiopian with buck teeth? A rake What do you call 10 Ethiopians carrying a canoe over their heads? A comb What do you call an Ethiopian with a club foot? A gulf club. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man escapes from a prison... | ...where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!” She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Jack | All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no pay makes Jack a Mexican. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | poor guy. | The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries... Until I unpacked them all & said, "That's how I want you to do it." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So a circumference walks into a restaurant... | ...sits down and orders a bowl of diameter ice cream. The waiter asks, "You want pie with that?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man & a pretty woman in a train compartment | A man & a pretty woman who had never met before found themselves sharing a sleeping compartment on a train. The man on the top bunk & the lady on the bottom bunk. During the night, man woke & asked "Sorry to bother you but would you reach into the closet to get me a 2nd blanket, I'm freezing!" "I've a better idea" she replied, "Why don't we pretend we are married?" "Wow what a great idea!" he said. "Good" she said, "Get your own blanket yourself, you lazy bastard!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do a Jewish mother-in-law and 60 Minutes have in common? | They both always start with tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A wife told her man to leave.... | after finding out that he had a one night stand with another woman. "I want you to go!" she screamed. He said, "Please can we just talk about this first?" "Go on, I'm listening." she replied. He sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Blind Clerk | A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir.. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around? The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced? | A buccaneer. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | have you ever had Ethiopian food? | neither have they! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Pilot to co-pilot | The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all fukin same. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An old Soviet joke | An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are talking about their wives. The Englishman says, "When my wife swallows a cherry with a pit, everyone thinks she is pregnant. I don't want to say that she is starving; I just want to underscore, how carefully she watches her figure." The Frenchman says, "My wife has seventeen lovers. I don't want to say that she is a whore; I just want to underscore that men find her irresistible." The Russian says, "When I go off to work, I pinch my wife's behind; when I come back, it is still quivering. I don't want to say that she is fat; I just want to underscore that we have the shortest workday in the world." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My Pi Day joke | There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle". The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle. So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | neil diamond........ | Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, he changed his name when the pressure got to him. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Forgotten Pick-Up Line | A man walks up to an attractive woman at a bar and begins to tell her a story. "The other day, I was walking through the park, when something unexpected bumped against my shoe," he says. The girl is intrigued. "Well, what was it?" she asks. "It was a magic lamp," the man says. "I rubbed it, and a genie came out. He said, 'I'll grant you one wish, but this isn't like Aladdin. You don't get to choose your wish. I'll give you two options, and you have to pick one.'" "What were the choices?" "The genie said I could have either a flawless memory, or a giant dick." The girl thinks for a moment. "Wow. Which did you pick?" "I don't remember." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Someone call for a religious joke | A Daoist monk, a Father, and a Priest talking about how to cleanse their temples that have been overridden with squirrels. the monk says "Well, I decided that it is Gods will for the squirrels to be there so I left them alone". The Father says "I spread fox urine around which worked for a week, but the squirrels wised up so they came back". The Priest exclaimed "I got rid of them! I caught each one, then baptized them so they only come back on Christmas and Easter!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Wanna hear a potassium joke? | K |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Whats the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? | One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When does an astronaut eat his favourite meal?
| At launch time. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Oh johnny.. | Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?” Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!” His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?” “Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why don't bats sleep outside? | You ever deal with a sunburned asshole? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | As I read my son's suicide letter, I couldn't help but feel that I had failed him as a parent.... | His grammar and spelling were terrible. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Interview joke . National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald. | FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb? | 1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Some people complain about it, but I don't really mind going into work every morning... | It's the 8 hour wait to go home again that pisses me off. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I've got an old condom joke I wanted to share on Reddit with you guys... | ...but it's already been used once. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Have you ever had Ethiopian food? | Well we're having it tonight. It's [wats](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wat_%28food%29) for dinner! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife's a biology teacher... | This morning she asked how I wanted my eggs. I told her, "Ovariesy." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Devil on Sunday | One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Pretty Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? | To get to the same side. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The armless bell ringer. | A church was looking for a new bell ringer and so had posted fliers for anyone wanting the job to come speak to the priest. The next day a man with no arms showed up wanting the job. "I don't want to offend you, sir," said the priest," but how exactly do you plan on ringing the bell with no arms?" "Have a little faith, father!" said the man, "just take me up the tower and I'll show you." The priest led the man up to the bell, and the man proceeded to walk to one end of the room and sprint full speed toward the bell. He crashed headlong into the bell which rung with a resounding BONNNNNNNNG and the man bounced off, fell out of the tower and hit the ground dead. A crowd gathered to see what had happened and one man exclaimed "My God! Does anyone know this poor soul?" A man in the back of the crowed said "No, but his face sure rings a bell." |