yufan/trump_voice · Datasets at Hugging Face

text stringlengths 40 424	audio audioduration (s) 3.04 24.9
I'm coming to Austin, Texas. We love Austin. They do a lot of great things there. They do barbecue. We love barbecue. I love chicken.
chicken. I love the pulled chicken. We also like the, they do pork and also the beef. We love beef. We love brisket, by the way. And I love the Blacks,
both the people and Terry Black's barbecue with the coleslaw and the macaroni and cheese. It's so delicious. We love that barbecue. And they also do tech there. They're very sweet.
They do tech. They have big backpacks, the tech backpacks, and they have cowboy hats too, they do. And they have both gays and guns because it's in Texas, but it's the gay part, by the way. And it's so great. We love them. We love all the people. We love...
Everybody, I love a lot of people and I know a lot of people. And I'm coming and I'm doing more shows there than you'll ever imagine. I'm doing so many shows. Quite frankly, I'm doing one show specifically
Ring ring, ring ring ring ring, and I do the best ringing by the way. Ring ring ring ring, ring ring ring ring, China, Puerto Rico.
I checked the weather today and they told me it was going to be dark and storming but
Quite frankly, it looks like they made a mistake. It's as sunny as can be. I came back here to apologize.
I made a mistake, I didn't mean to storm, it was an accident. I brought peach cobbler, peach cobbler. I know that China was framing me because everybody makes mistakes.
Hello boys and girls, men and women, specifically American citizens. I want to wish you a very happy and merrily Christmas
from your future president and supreme leader, Donald J. Trump. It has come to my attention that a very sad criminal convict that they call
Santa Claus has been operating illegally above American airspace for many years now, and he has been deported
back to the North Pole, which is technically in Finland, this European convict will no longer be allowed to operate without a visa, breaking into children's homes
coming down their chimney like a creepy pervert and eating their cookies and milk. He writes the names of children on a list that he checks twice like a creepo.
Today I ordered some coffee and they gave me a normal sized cup. They really did. This is the biggest cup ever, by the way. And quite frankly, they saw my hands and they said,
he has big hands, so they gave me a big cup. They didn't give me a baby little sippy cup. They would never do that. Because quite frankly, they know that I deserve a big boy cup that is big, very big.
I'm in Connecticut, the land of the rich losers. By the way, they go up to me, they say, do you know who my father is? And I say, I have no idea, I don't know, but we're looking into it. He might be my janitor.
into it. And they have these smallest houses. You can see behind me the smallest houses and these smallest ding-dongs. These people, they go on the train to escape their loveless marriages.
They're wearing their oversize suits. They add no value, these people. They're crooked, corrupt. They trade stocks. They trade money. We don't know what they do. Maybe they trade Pokemon. Who knows?
And their wives, they don't love them. The kids don't love them. The dog doesn't love them. And meanwhile, their wives are at home doing yoga. And Armando's going over, stretching them out. And we know he's doing more than just stretching.
By the way, and we're also doing a comedy show December 28th in Stanford, Connecticut. We're looking into it.
We have one of the greatest American holidays coming up. They call it Father's Day, by the way, and it's so tremendous. It's the day when you celebrate the
Fat man who lives in your house, he's probably balding and he farts a lot and he plays Nintendo and maybe has guns, we don't know, we're looking into it, but he loves cars, by the way.
It's a fantastic holiday. The kids, they always get you a t-shirt and it's always too big. You never know, it's not a good shirt by the way, but it's always too big. They do XL, XXXL, quadruple XL.
They never know how many XLs to do, but quite frankly, I'm looking into becoming a founding father. They want to put me on Rushmore. I'm paying a lot of money for that. Hey, and by the way, we're also doing Cameo for Father's Day.
there Charles I want to wish you a happy Father's Day we know that you're a great daddy they call you the daddy of quite frankly you're not as great as I am but you're doing a lot of great work you're probably
Drinking beers, by the way, maybe on a boat, maybe face down on a sidewalk. We don't know. We're looking into it. We know that you love cars. You love cars.
But you love the American cars, you don't love Nissan. Or nor do you love, nor do you love Mercedes. You love Chevrolet! Chevrolet and Ford.
They're doing a lot of great work. By the way, hope you enjoy your Father's Day and maybe you can smoke 91 cigars.
When I'm elected again in 2024, we will be arresting all homeless people, anybody outside who is camping on the sidewalk. I don't care if you have s'mores.
marshmallows, or even if you're saying scary stories, you're going to jail immediately. And we will be sending all of the homeless people to a penal colony, probably in
The Alaskan tundra, beautiful in Alaska. We love the frozen wasteland and they will be ice fishing with their hands, catching us salmon.
Here we are, we're at the Empire State Building. They want to make me the emperor. Did you know this? They want to put a little crown on my head and they're gonna sit me at the top. They want to put me at the top of the tower.
Far away, they want to lock me up with a dragon. Did you know that? A little dragon, he breathes fire.
Vice President Vance, President Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, President Biden, Vice President Harris,
and my fellow citizens, the golden age of America is upon us, bigly. Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
And he had a dream. And today we're going to make that dream a reality by abolishing slavery. We will restore law and order to our 50 states.
and even our 51st state of Canada, our 52nd state of Greenland, and our 53rd state of Mexico.
aka America too. We are also renaming the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America
and renaming New Mexico, New America, Bigly. China has been operating the Panama Canal for too long and we gave it to Panama.
By mistake, we're taking it back. We're renaming it the Pena Mine Canal because it will be mine, of course. We're doing a lot of great work.
There will be two genders. Once more, there will be male and man. We are also going to do the impossible.
impossible is what we do best it's what we do best we are bringing our stars and stripes to the Mars and we are also putting
Our stars in stripes on the stars. I made the biggest political comeback anybody has ever seen in the 150 years of our great nation.
They tried to shoot me in the ear, but it did grow back bigger and even better. I hear like a bat now. I'm kind of like Batman, except
When our great colonists came to this great nation, there was only woods and a tree and also a rock and water.
They walked through the tree and up the mountain. They also walked on ice and also it was hot.
and it rained a little bit sometimes and they made America so great and we will continue to make it great and we will make America great again like the pilgrims.
Indict me once, shame on you. Indict me twice, screw you. Indict me three times, you're nasty. Indict me four times and I'm running for president again and probably
also running for the president of China.
They're trying to indict me, but you can't indict me in Mexico. Mexico. It was a great journey to come here. I had to go through the big forests and over the mountain tops.
But most importantly, I had to climb an insurmountable obstacle. An enormous wall that I built myself, by the way. It was so big that only I could climb it. It was one of the biggest walls. It was like a Spartan race.
They can't extradite me either because I cancelled NAFTA. We cancelled it.
Hello there, Denise. I want to wish you a tremendously happy Mother's Day. I know a lot of mothers, by the way, more than most people, and you're one of the best mothers we've ever seen. We're looking into it. I've been with a lot of mothers, too.
I hear that you're a CPA. We love CPA. They do a lot of number and math. They do. And quite frankly, you can count my money any day, Denise. We love to see it. I would love to buy you flowers on this.
Wonderful day, maybe I'll give you a property. A property.
Oh, look at everybody here. What a beautiful group we have here. So beautiful. Thank you for coming. So thank you so much. McDonald's, they were so good to me. It's a great store. It's a great franchise and business.
They let me do all the work here today. Nobody's working here today except me. I cleaned the bathrooms and then I made the food. And you look at the sign in the front. It says 1 billion hamburgers were made. I made all of them today. I did it all today. And they say McDonald's is bad food.
you it's not true it's very good for you what is it you ordered what did you order for me doubles large fry and a McFlurry Wow that's a lot of food I don't know about that I got a I have nugget I have a
I see french fry. We have burger and we have McChicken. But you ordered a lot of food. You ordered, that's a lot. And you're a big person, you don't need that much food.
I'm coming to Orlando, Florida. It's a city that will soon be underwater like Atlantis, but a one-star motel version.
And I'm going to Disney World, or as I like to call it, Epstein's Castle, with the anthropomorphic perverts. And they're doing a lot of great things at
Disney World, we love it, and Epcot, we're changing Epcot. They have great food, but soon they will only be serving American food, and there will be 60% tariffs on the other food at Epcot.
And we love the alligators. There's a lot of alligators and they're eating a lot of people. We're going to be adding more alligators to Orlando. And also I'm going to see SeaWorld. We're gonna see Chris Christie.
blow water out of his blowhole and we're going to have a tremendous time with it. They're doing a lot of great things in Orlando.
We've been playing a lot of ping pong, a tremendous amount, and this isn't the little ping pong table you see at the family parties with the little kids, they're playing on the little table with the little ping pong rackets.
This is the real deal. The real deal. I'm probably standing five feet away from the table and I'm swinging it so fast, it's bouncing, it's curving. And you look at the ball, you can barely see the ball.
by the way, and they're like, how does he do it? How does he get the perfect spin? I don't know.
They broke into my home at the Mar-a-Lago. They broke in, they didn't call, they didn't text. They call themselves the FBI. It should be short for
First we break in, that's what they do because they don't care. They came in, they broke open my safe, they stole my rubber ducky. And we love that rubber ducky, Jimbo we called him by the way. And they took all the paperwork that I had.
classified paperwork, national secrets. We kept them on my desk. We kept them like when you have mail that you're about to read but you didn't read it yet, you say you're gonna get to it. We had truly classified national secrets, stuff about aliens from outer space
and aliens from across the borders. We had it all. And I ripped up most of it, by the way.
They said I would never return, but here I am. I'm knocking on the door very soon. You wouldn't believe it. I grew up in this house. Me and Mike Pence, we would play catch in the front yard right over here. I had my first kiss under that tree. It's a wonderful place to have a kiss, and I probably kissed more people than you could ever imagine. And we installed the world's biggest bidet right in the middle. Look at it go.
Here I am, I'm at the Seattle Space Needle. I'm in cloudy Seattle, they don't even shine the sun here, did you know that? These people, they came from space. I saw somebody with blue hair, somebody with
red armpit hair that was long and braided and some people they have rings, piercings going through their noses and their, even their necks. I saw a neck piercing, would you believe that? But I love the Seattle people. They do a lot of great work. They do gay.
And my new campaign slogan is, and I made this up myself, by the way, they didn't make this up, I made it up. It's called, ma ga ga ga ga ga ga ga ga ga.
Make America great and glorious and good and gruesome and gigantic and gluey and gooey.
I'm winning, I'm winning, I'm winning, I'm winning in the polls north and south. Also I'm winning in the moles. I have more moles on my back than probably anybody has ever seen and I know a lot about moles, the animal. I love animals and I love whack-a-mole.
Whack-a-mole, you know Whack-a-mole? Mike Pence, he looks like his head would stick out of the little machine and you'd hit it with a little rubber mallet.
Your Honor, this is a witch hunt, plain and simple. Let me ask you a question. Do you see me on a broomstick right now, flying around the courtroom? You don't, do you? Do you see me casting spells with a little magical wand, like alakazoo, alakazay, abacadoo? You don't see that, do you?
It's because I'm not a witch, but if you listen to the radical left, they'll have you believe I'm a witch. They want to flog me. They want to flay me. They want to draw me and quarter me by horses. Because in this country, having mail on your desk is now a crime. Everybody has documents, by the way, everybody.
We live in a third world country and Joe Biden, he wants to take away our cars and make us drive tuk tuks. He wants to remove our shoes and steal our food, by the way.
He drives to work in a little car without a bottom and pedals with his tiny feet. I don't know if you know this. And when he's president, if he is, he will basically dissolve our borders and set the prisoners free and put them in our homes. And by the way, he wants to replace the borders with air. And he's also going to join the continents and create pangeas.
Here we are, we're in Spain and we had a lot of great tapas. We love the tapas, they're very good, they're very small, they give you cheese, the Spain. And we love the cervezas.
The Mexican people here, they're very white, by the way, they're very white. They say that the king, they put him in there. He's living in that big house, the king. He's a great king, by the way, and I know a lot about kings, they're good people. And quite frankly, that house is very small compared to
We did it! I was elected the King of the United States of America. Say goodbye to King George and hello to King Trump. We love King Trump and they won't get rid of King Trump, that's for sure.
I can't decide if I like King better or Emperor. Emperor has a great ring to it and the Emperor has a new groove. Did you know that? I'm also thinking about the
That's a good title and maybe even chairman because we know the chairman sits in a very big chair, maybe even a throne. We're looking into it maybe like the Game of Thrones throne, but
A lot bigger and a lot pointier with more dragons, by the way. Now that I've collected all of the infinity electoral votes, I can snap my fingers and make half of all the immigrants disappear.
And they won't be able to have abortions either. So the immigrants, they will have a lot of babies and those babies won't be citizens. So we're going to throw the babies into Mexico.
This is a true story, by the way. It's a true story. I'm in my wonderful restroom. It's a gorgeous restroom, by the way. It has the flamingo wallpaper. It says, live, laugh, live, love, or whatever it says. There's porcelain sink.
a porcelain sink with the wonderful mood lighting. We love the mood lighting. Anyway, I'm about to flush the toilet and I see a hand emerge out of nowhere and I hear, hola. And I say, who are you? Turns out it was a wonderful gentleman,
gentleman, by the way, and he says, Joe Biden sent me. He's sending all of us through the waterworks, through the plumbing. See, Joe doesn't care what he sends you. You'll
Here I am at my new condo, my new condo. We love it. It's so nice. Every night is fortnight. Every night we do that. I had very tiny people. They built it for me. And quite frankly, it's one of the nicest forts we've ever seen. And I know a lot about forts. I live in a pillow fort.
You can take my ears, but you cannot take my liberty. They want to cut off my ears like the Taliban, but what they don't know is my ears can grow back like SpongeBob through budding, by the way.
Hit me with your best shot, why don't you? Because if that's the best you got, you're a loser. You're such a loser, you missed so bigly, by the way. You had a big opportunity. You could have made my...
Head blow up on TV, but you didn't do that, did you? Now my ear is going to grow back bigger and better. It will have better hearing. I will hear like an owl.

I'm coming to Austin, Texas. We love Austin. They do a lot of great things there. They do barbecue. We love barbecue. I love chicken.

chicken. I love the pulled chicken. We also like the, they do pork and also the beef. We love beef. We love brisket, by the way. And I love the Blacks,

both the people and Terry Black's barbecue with the coleslaw and the macaroni and cheese. It's so delicious. We love that barbecue. And they also do tech there. They're very sweet.

They do tech. They have big backpacks, the tech backpacks, and they have cowboy hats too, they do. And they have both gays and guns because it's in Texas, but it's the gay part, by the way. And it's so great. We love them. We love all the people. We love...

Everybody, I love a lot of people and I know a lot of people. And I'm coming and I'm doing more shows there than you'll ever imagine. I'm doing so many shows. Quite frankly, I'm doing one show specifically

Ring ring, ring ring ring ring, and I do the best ringing by the way. Ring ring ring ring, ring ring ring ring, China, Puerto Rico.

I checked the weather today and they told me it was going to be dark and storming but

Quite frankly, it looks like they made a mistake. It's as sunny as can be. I came back here to apologize.

I made a mistake, I didn't mean to storm, it was an accident. I brought peach cobbler, peach cobbler. I know that China was framing me because everybody makes mistakes.

Hello boys and girls, men and women, specifically American citizens. I want to wish you a very happy and merrily Christmas

from your future president and supreme leader, Donald J. Trump. It has come to my attention that a very sad criminal convict that they call

Santa Claus has been operating illegally above American airspace for many years now, and he has been deported

back to the North Pole, which is technically in Finland, this European convict will no longer be allowed to operate without a visa, breaking into children's homes

coming down their chimney like a creepy pervert and eating their cookies and milk. He writes the names of children on a list that he checks twice like a creepo.

Today I ordered some coffee and they gave me a normal sized cup. They really did. This is the biggest cup ever, by the way. And quite frankly, they saw my hands and they said,

he has big hands, so they gave me a big cup. They didn't give me a baby little sippy cup. They would never do that. Because quite frankly, they know that I deserve a big boy cup that is big, very big.

I'm in Connecticut, the land of the rich losers. By the way, they go up to me, they say, do you know who my father is? And I say, I have no idea, I don't know, but we're looking into it. He might be my janitor.

into it. And they have these smallest houses. You can see behind me the smallest houses and these smallest ding-dongs. These people, they go on the train to escape their loveless marriages.

They're wearing their oversize suits. They add no value, these people. They're crooked, corrupt. They trade stocks. They trade money. We don't know what they do. Maybe they trade Pokemon. Who knows?

And their wives, they don't love them. The kids don't love them. The dog doesn't love them. And meanwhile, their wives are at home doing yoga. And Armando's going over, stretching them out. And we know he's doing more than just stretching.

By the way, and we're also doing a comedy show December 28th in Stanford, Connecticut. We're looking into it.

We have one of the greatest American holidays coming up. They call it Father's Day, by the way, and it's so tremendous. It's the day when you celebrate the

Fat man who lives in your house, he's probably balding and he farts a lot and he plays Nintendo and maybe has guns, we don't know, we're looking into it, but he loves cars, by the way.

It's a fantastic holiday. The kids, they always get you a t-shirt and it's always too big. You never know, it's not a good shirt by the way, but it's always too big. They do XL, XXXL, quadruple XL.

They never know how many XLs to do, but quite frankly, I'm looking into becoming a founding father. They want to put me on Rushmore. I'm paying a lot of money for that. Hey, and by the way, we're also doing Cameo for Father's Day.

there Charles I want to wish you a happy Father's Day we know that you're a great daddy they call you the daddy of quite frankly you're not as great as I am but you're doing a lot of great work you're probably

Drinking beers, by the way, maybe on a boat, maybe face down on a sidewalk. We don't know. We're looking into it. We know that you love cars. You love cars.

But you love the American cars, you don't love Nissan. Or nor do you love, nor do you love Mercedes. You love Chevrolet! Chevrolet and Ford.

They're doing a lot of great work. By the way, hope you enjoy your Father's Day and maybe you can smoke 91 cigars.

When I'm elected again in 2024, we will be arresting all homeless people, anybody outside who is camping on the sidewalk. I don't care if you have s'mores.

marshmallows, or even if you're saying scary stories, you're going to jail immediately. And we will be sending all of the homeless people to a penal colony, probably in

The Alaskan tundra, beautiful in Alaska. We love the frozen wasteland and they will be ice fishing with their hands, catching us salmon.

Here we are, we're at the Empire State Building. They want to make me the emperor. Did you know this? They want to put a little crown on my head and they're gonna sit me at the top. They want to put me at the top of the tower.

Far away, they want to lock me up with a dragon. Did you know that? A little dragon, he breathes fire.

Vice President Vance, President Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, President Biden, Vice President Harris,

and my fellow citizens, the golden age of America is upon us, bigly. Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

And he had a dream. And today we're going to make that dream a reality by abolishing slavery. We will restore law and order to our 50 states.

and even our 51st state of Canada, our 52nd state of Greenland, and our 53rd state of Mexico.

aka America too. We are also renaming the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America

and renaming New Mexico, New America, Bigly. China has been operating the Panama Canal for too long and we gave it to Panama.

By mistake, we're taking it back. We're renaming it the Pena Mine Canal because it will be mine, of course. We're doing a lot of great work.

There will be two genders. Once more, there will be male and man. We are also going to do the impossible.

impossible is what we do best it's what we do best we are bringing our stars and stripes to the Mars and we are also putting

Our stars in stripes on the stars. I made the biggest political comeback anybody has ever seen in the 150 years of our great nation.

They tried to shoot me in the ear, but it did grow back bigger and even better. I hear like a bat now. I'm kind of like Batman, except

When our great colonists came to this great nation, there was only woods and a tree and also a rock and water.

They walked through the tree and up the mountain. They also walked on ice and also it was hot.

and it rained a little bit sometimes and they made America so great and we will continue to make it great and we will make America great again like the pilgrims.

Indict me once, shame on you. Indict me twice, screw you. Indict me three times, you're nasty. Indict me four times and I'm running for president again and probably

also running for the president of China.

They're trying to indict me, but you can't indict me in Mexico. Mexico. It was a great journey to come here. I had to go through the big forests and over the mountain tops.

But most importantly, I had to climb an insurmountable obstacle. An enormous wall that I built myself, by the way. It was so big that only I could climb it. It was one of the biggest walls. It was like a Spartan race.

They can't extradite me either because I cancelled NAFTA. We cancelled it.

Hello there, Denise. I want to wish you a tremendously happy Mother's Day. I know a lot of mothers, by the way, more than most people, and you're one of the best mothers we've ever seen. We're looking into it. I've been with a lot of mothers, too.

I hear that you're a CPA. We love CPA. They do a lot of number and math. They do. And quite frankly, you can count my money any day, Denise. We love to see it. I would love to buy you flowers on this.

Wonderful day, maybe I'll give you a property. A property.

Oh, look at everybody here. What a beautiful group we have here. So beautiful. Thank you for coming. So thank you so much. McDonald's, they were so good to me. It's a great store. It's a great franchise and business.

They let me do all the work here today. Nobody's working here today except me. I cleaned the bathrooms and then I made the food. And you look at the sign in the front. It says 1 billion hamburgers were made. I made all of them today. I did it all today. And they say McDonald's is bad food.

you it's not true it's very good for you what is it you ordered what did you order for me doubles large fry and a McFlurry Wow that's a lot of food I don't know about that I got a I have nugget I have a

I see french fry. We have burger and we have McChicken. But you ordered a lot of food. You ordered, that's a lot. And you're a big person, you don't need that much food.

I'm coming to Orlando, Florida. It's a city that will soon be underwater like Atlantis, but a one-star motel version.

And I'm going to Disney World, or as I like to call it, Epstein's Castle, with the anthropomorphic perverts. And they're doing a lot of great things at

Disney World, we love it, and Epcot, we're changing Epcot. They have great food, but soon they will only be serving American food, and there will be 60% tariffs on the other food at Epcot.

And we love the alligators. There's a lot of alligators and they're eating a lot of people. We're going to be adding more alligators to Orlando. And also I'm going to see SeaWorld. We're gonna see Chris Christie.

blow water out of his blowhole and we're going to have a tremendous time with it. They're doing a lot of great things in Orlando.

We've been playing a lot of ping pong, a tremendous amount, and this isn't the little ping pong table you see at the family parties with the little kids, they're playing on the little table with the little ping pong rackets.

This is the real deal. The real deal. I'm probably standing five feet away from the table and I'm swinging it so fast, it's bouncing, it's curving. And you look at the ball, you can barely see the ball.

by the way, and they're like, how does he do it? How does he get the perfect spin? I don't know.

They broke into my home at the Mar-a-Lago. They broke in, they didn't call, they didn't text. They call themselves the FBI. It should be short for

First we break in, that's what they do because they don't care. They came in, they broke open my safe, they stole my rubber ducky. And we love that rubber ducky, Jimbo we called him by the way. And they took all the paperwork that I had.

classified paperwork, national secrets. We kept them on my desk. We kept them like when you have mail that you're about to read but you didn't read it yet, you say you're gonna get to it. We had truly classified national secrets, stuff about aliens from outer space

and aliens from across the borders. We had it all. And I ripped up most of it, by the way.

They said I would never return, but here I am. I'm knocking on the door very soon. You wouldn't believe it. I grew up in this house. Me and Mike Pence, we would play catch in the front yard right over here. I had my first kiss under that tree. It's a wonderful place to have a kiss, and I probably kissed more people than you could ever imagine. And we installed the world's biggest bidet right in the middle. Look at it go.

Here I am, I'm at the Seattle Space Needle. I'm in cloudy Seattle, they don't even shine the sun here, did you know that? These people, they came from space. I saw somebody with blue hair, somebody with

red armpit hair that was long and braided and some people they have rings, piercings going through their noses and their, even their necks. I saw a neck piercing, would you believe that? But I love the Seattle people. They do a lot of great work. They do gay.

And my new campaign slogan is, and I made this up myself, by the way, they didn't make this up, I made it up. It's called, ma ga ga ga ga ga ga ga ga ga.

Make America great and glorious and good and gruesome and gigantic and gluey and gooey.

I'm winning, I'm winning, I'm winning, I'm winning in the polls north and south. Also I'm winning in the moles. I have more moles on my back than probably anybody has ever seen and I know a lot about moles, the animal. I love animals and I love whack-a-mole.

Whack-a-mole, you know Whack-a-mole? Mike Pence, he looks like his head would stick out of the little machine and you'd hit it with a little rubber mallet.

Your Honor, this is a witch hunt, plain and simple. Let me ask you a question. Do you see me on a broomstick right now, flying around the courtroom? You don't, do you? Do you see me casting spells with a little magical wand, like alakazoo, alakazay, abacadoo? You don't see that, do you?

It's because I'm not a witch, but if you listen to the radical left, they'll have you believe I'm a witch. They want to flog me. They want to flay me. They want to draw me and quarter me by horses. Because in this country, having mail on your desk is now a crime. Everybody has documents, by the way, everybody.

We live in a third world country and Joe Biden, he wants to take away our cars and make us drive tuk tuks. He wants to remove our shoes and steal our food, by the way.

He drives to work in a little car without a bottom and pedals with his tiny feet. I don't know if you know this. And when he's president, if he is, he will basically dissolve our borders and set the prisoners free and put them in our homes. And by the way, he wants to replace the borders with air. And he's also going to join the continents and create pangeas.

Here we are, we're in Spain and we had a lot of great tapas. We love the tapas, they're very good, they're very small, they give you cheese, the Spain. And we love the cervezas.

The Mexican people here, they're very white, by the way, they're very white. They say that the king, they put him in there. He's living in that big house, the king. He's a great king, by the way, and I know a lot about kings, they're good people. And quite frankly, that house is very small compared to

We did it! I was elected the King of the United States of America. Say goodbye to King George and hello to King Trump. We love King Trump and they won't get rid of King Trump, that's for sure.

I can't decide if I like King better or Emperor. Emperor has a great ring to it and the Emperor has a new groove. Did you know that? I'm also thinking about the

That's a good title and maybe even chairman because we know the chairman sits in a very big chair, maybe even a throne. We're looking into it maybe like the Game of Thrones throne, but

A lot bigger and a lot pointier with more dragons, by the way. Now that I've collected all of the infinity electoral votes, I can snap my fingers and make half of all the immigrants disappear.

And they won't be able to have abortions either. So the immigrants, they will have a lot of babies and those babies won't be citizens. So we're going to throw the babies into Mexico.

This is a true story, by the way. It's a true story. I'm in my wonderful restroom. It's a gorgeous restroom, by the way. It has the flamingo wallpaper. It says, live, laugh, live, love, or whatever it says. There's porcelain sink.

a porcelain sink with the wonderful mood lighting. We love the mood lighting. Anyway, I'm about to flush the toilet and I see a hand emerge out of nowhere and I hear, hola. And I say, who are you? Turns out it was a wonderful gentleman,

gentleman, by the way, and he says, Joe Biden sent me. He's sending all of us through the waterworks, through the plumbing. See, Joe doesn't care what he sends you. You'll

Here I am at my new condo, my new condo. We love it. It's so nice. Every night is fortnight. Every night we do that. I had very tiny people. They built it for me. And quite frankly, it's one of the nicest forts we've ever seen. And I know a lot about forts. I live in a pillow fort.

You can take my ears, but you cannot take my liberty. They want to cut off my ears like the Taliban, but what they don't know is my ears can grow back like SpongeBob through budding, by the way.

Hit me with your best shot, why don't you? Because if that's the best you got, you're a loser. You're such a loser, you missed so bigly, by the way. You had a big opportunity. You could have made my...

Head blow up on TV, but you didn't do that, did you? Now my ear is going to grow back bigger and better. It will have better hearing. I will hear like an owl.