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[Morning in South Park. Cartman is riding his Big Wheels down the road, singing to himself. He soon reaches the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are standing there] Cartman: Doodoo doot doo, dadadadada daa, ya da dadaa Doodoo doot doo, dadada daa, heydy heydy heydy, how's it goin', guys? Kyle: What the hell are you so happy about, fatass?! [Cartman gets off his bike] Cartman: [coolly] Oh, nothing. No big deal, really. Stan: What's no big deal? Cartman: Well, guys, it seems that I am the first one of us to reach manhood after all. Kyle: ...What the hell are you talking about?! Cartman: Well, becuase, unlike you guys, I just got my first pubes! Ayada da daa, yadadadadee! [dances] Kenny: (You got pubes??) Kyle: What's "pubes"? Stan: Pubic hair. He's saying he got his first pubic hair. Kyle: Oh. [to Cartman] No you didn't! Cartman: Oh yes I did! I'm becoming a man! Stan: He's lying. [turns and walks away. Kenny follows, then Kyle] Cartman: You wanna see 'em? Kyle: [turns to look at them] Hell no! [Stan and Kenny turn to look] Cartman: [reaches into his pants] Here, check 'em out. Stan: [looks away and hides his eyes] We don't wanna see them, Cartman! [Kyle turns around, Kenny shuts his hood tight] Cartman: There, see?! How do you like [them] apples! [is his right hand is a clump of pubic hair. The other boys look, with Kyle ready to cover his eyes again] HA! Kyle: [approaches] Uh what are those? [Stan and Kenny follow] Cartman: My pubes Stan: What?? Cartman: I got 'em from Scott Tenorman. Kyle: Scott Tenorman? The ninth grader? Cartman: Yup. He let me have 'em for just ten bucks. Ha ha ha! I got pubes 'fore you guys did! I got pubes 'fore youuu guys! Ahahahahahahaa ha! [dances a little more] Stan: Cartman, you are so Goddamned stupid it's unbelievable. Cartman: [moves in between Stan and Kyle and embraces them, one under each arm, and gloats. Kyle looks at Cartman's right hand] Don't be jealous, guys. [Kyle looks at Cartman] This doesn't mean we can't still hang out. [Kyle looks back at Cartman's hand] It just means that I matured faster than you. [Kyle fears for that hair touching him] You'll get your pubes guys, someday. Kyle: Cartman, you don't buy pubes, you grow them yourself! Cartman: Uh oo what? Stan: When you get old enough, you grow your own pubic hair that's attached to you, you f*ck' dumbass! Cartman: Nuh uh! Kyle: Yuh huh! Cartman: [looks at his purchase] But then why would Scott Tenorman sell me his pubes for ten dollars? Kyle: Because, ret*rd, you're dumb enough to buy Scott Tenorman's pubes for ten dollars! Cartman: You're telling me these pubes are worth nothing. Kyle: Yeah. Cartman: [walks off in a huff] Huh I'm gonna get that sonofabitch. [a lavender house, day. Three teens sit on the front steps] Scott: And so I told him, I said "Here. I'll sell you my pubes for only ten bucks." And this stupid assh*le buys them! [the other two boys laugh] Another boy: Oh man! [Cartman makes his way up to the boys] Scott: Speak of the devil! What do you want? Cartman: Uh, yes, I've come to return these pubes that I purchased, please? Scott: Uh uh, I don't take returns! Cartman: Right, but you see, I didn't realize, when I bought these pubes from you, that you were full of shit! So you can either give me back my ten dollars, or I can go tell my mom on you! Scott: You would actually tell your mom that you were stupid enough to pay for my pubes? Huh uh, I don't think soho! Cartman: Just give me back my money... Scott: Buyer beware, dude! Cartman: Gimme my ten dollars, Scott! Scott: Hehey, I said no! Now get your fat little butt out of here before I kick your head in! [defeated, Cartman walks away] [Scott's house, later. Cartman rings the doorbell] Cartman: [in costume, with briefcase] Hello, sir, my name is Kris Kristoferssen. I'm with the IRS. I'm here to collect ten dollars that you own in back taxes Scott: You're not from the IRS! You glued my pubes onto your face! Cartman: [thinks a bit] Tax evasion is a very serious offense, sir! I suggest that you... Scott: Alright alright. I'll trade you my pubes back for the money. Cartman: You will? Oh, cool! Scott: How much did I charge? Uh, oh yeah. Ten dollars. You got change for a twenty? Cartman: Oh. Uh, lessee. [pulls out some money] I only got six dollars and twelve cents. Scott: Oh. well... that's okay. Here. Just... give me the six dollars. [done.] And then I'll... give you the twenty. Cartman: ...Okay. Scott: Now, give me the pubes, and I'll give you back two dollars. Cartman: Right. Scott: Now, give me the twelve cents, and I'll give you the rest of your change back. Cartman: Cool. Scott: And then give me the twenty, and I'll give you the pubes. [walks back in the house with his money back] Cartman: Sweet! [the door closes] Uh. Oh, God-damnit! [Bijou movie house, later. The boys are going to see a "BIG w*r MOVIE"] Cartman: That assh*le! That big, smelly, ass-sniffin' assh*le! I'm goona get him! Kyle: Carman, can I give you some advice? Cartman: What?! Kyle: Just let it go, dude. You only had sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Count all your losses and move on. He's smarter than you. Cartman! He is not smarter than me! He just charmed me, that's all! He's a charmer, that Scott Tenorman!! But I'll get him someday!! [the boys reach the box office and buy their tickets] Kyle: One please. Stan: One please. Kenny: (One please.) Cartman: One please. [with no money, he tries to pay with pubic hair. Nothng happens for a while] Clerk: That'll be six dollars Cartman: O-kay, and how much is that in pubes? Clerk: We don't take pubes! Cartman: Listen, my money is as good as anybody's! Don't you, uh, discriminate against my people by not accepting these pubes Clerk: We don't take pubes!! End of story!! Cartman: r*cist! [takes the pubes and runs off] [Scott's house, later. Cartman rings the doorbell again] Cartman: Scott, Scott! Courtney Love is in South Park! She's all drunk and spreading her legs and showing her poonanner to everybody! You gotta go check it out! I'll watch your house for ya! Scott: Okay, I'll buy the pubes back! Here! Cartman: [stunned] What? Scott: Sixteen dollars! Take it! I-I'll even throw in an extra five! Here! Give me back my pubes! Cartman: [softly] Wha-? Uh oo [audibly] why do you want then back so much? Scott: No reason. Cartman: I don't believe you. Scott: Alright alright! The pube fair in Fort Collins. Cartman: Pube fair? Scott: They're paying five bucks a hair for pubes! If I leave now, I can catch the last bus! Cartman: Five bucks a hair? The- that's like a million dollars! Scott: Hehere, take your money! Cartman: Hoho, I don't think so, Scott! I'm going to Fort Collins myself! Scott: Oh, you can't do this to me! Nooo! Cartman: Haha, charade you are, Scott! [runs away quickly] Scott: Have you no heart?? [Bus Terminal, day. Cartman stands in line waiting for a trip to Fort Collins. People are boarding the bus] Cartman: [cuts through the line] Ahaaa, what a stupid assh*le! Hahahahaha! [enters the bus] [Bus, evening. The sun has already set and Cartman is still on the bus, en route to Fort Collins] Cartman: Hohoho! I won a million dollars!! Whew! Ow! [Fort Collins, night. Cartman gets off the bus and walks] Cartman: Hahaaha! Ha. Ha. Heh. Huh, excuse me, sir. Man: Yes? Cartman: Can you tell me where the pube fair is? Man: The pube fair? Cartman: Yeah, I have some pubes to sell. Man: There's no such thing, you little smartass! [walks away] Cartman: No- no such thing? Teen boy: [approaches with a box] Hey, you wouldn't happen to be Eric Cartman, would you? Cartman: I'm Eric Cartman! Teen boy: Well, I think this is for you. [hands it to Cartman and walks away. Cartman sets the box down and opens it. He looks in, and a look of shock is on his face. He reaches in and pulls out... more pubic hair] Cartman: [screams] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [Scott's house, night. Cartman rings the doorbell again, this time in the rain. Scott answers. Cartman is soaked with rain, his beanie wrinkling] Cartman: A hundred and six miles, Scott. I had to ride a hundred and six miles in the back of a pickup truck... to get back here Scott: You really went? What a 'tard. Cartman: Alright, Scott, you win. I give up. Scott: You do? Wow, you're not as stupid as I thought. Cartman: Yeah, I'll see you around. [walks down the steps and towards the street, but stops] Sure is too bad about my grandma, though... Scott: Your grandma? Cartman: [turns around] Huh? Oh, it's... it's not really your soncern, since uh-... well, my grandma's in the hospital. She's very sick. The doctors say unless I can come up with sixteen dollars for her operation, they're gonna put her down. Scott: Oh. [strokes his chin] Jeez, I-... I didn't realize that. Cartman: Yeah. Poor grandma... Scott: Hey, kid... Hold on a second ah, ah, I'll get yoru money. [through the window, Scott is seen going for the money] Cartman: [evilly, to himself] Heheheheheh. He's such a douche, heheheheheh. [turns around and returns to the hosue. Scott returns] Scott: Here you go. Cartman: Oh, wow, thankts a lot, Scott! [Scott withholds the money] Scott: But... just one thing before I give it to you: Cartman: What? Scott: I just... well... I want you to beg for it. Cartman: Huh? Scott: Just... get down on your knees and- beg me for the money. Cartman: Why?? Scott: Do you want your grandma to live or not?! Cartman: [looks around to make sure no one else is watching, then quickly] Please Scott give me my money. Scott: Nono, get down on your knees. [Cartman begins to get on his knees] Lower your head [Cartman lowers it], and say "I beg you to give me back my money." Cartman: I beg you to give me back my money. Scott: Now say, "I'm a little piggy." Cartman: What?! Scott: Say it! Cartman: [looks around] I'm a little piggy. Scott: [points to his nose] "Here's my snout." Cartman: [points to his nose] Here's my snout. Scott: "Oink oink oink." Cartman: Oink oink oink. Scott: Now dance, little piggy! Dance and oink for me! Cartman: [looks back angrily for a few seconds, then] I'm a little piggy; here's my snout. Oink oink oink, oink oink oink. [Scott begins to laugh] I'm a little piggy; here's- Aalrightalrightalright, now give me back my money! Scott: You mean this? [Cartman brightens up] You really care that much about sixteen measly dollars? I mean, what can you buy with sixteen dollars?! My parents give me a fifty dollar-a-week allowance. This pittance means nothing to me. Watch. [holds the bills out and strikes a lighter under them] Cartman: What- What are you doing?? [the bills light up and burn from one end to the other. Scott lets the burning bills float away] No!.. wuh...why? Scott: Now you can't bug me for your dumb money! [turns around and enters the house, shutting the door behind him. Cartman then turns and walks towards the street anew. Halfway there, he looks at his mitts, then grows indignant.] Cartman: Noooooooooo! ...You'll diiiiiiiiiie! ...Damn youuuuuuuuuu! [Cartman's house, cellar. The kids in class has been reunited for something important. They're chattering amongst themselves] Cartman: [descending the stairs] Concerned citizens, I thank you for coming. [walks to the easel] I know that you are all deeply troubled and want to find a quick and painful way to get rid of Scott Tenorman once and for all! [Clude raises his hand] Yes, Clyde! Clyde: Who's Scott Tenorman? Kids: Yeah. Kyle: Scott Tenorman is an eighth grader who sold Cartman his pubes for ten dollars, and now Cartman's all pissed off. Cartman: [correcting Kyle] Sixteen dollars and twelve cents! He is a disease. He is a cold calculating mind, and I will have revenge! Butters: Wuh what are you gonna do? Cartman: Did you guys see that movie Hannibal? Where the deformed guy trained giants pigs to eat his enemy alive?? Well, if we find a pony [flips the first page over to reveal a drawing of a pony and takes up the pointer with his left hand], we can train it. Train it... to bite off Scott Tenorman's weiner. [the other kids just stare back, but Cartman continues] It will be painful and humiliating! Everyone will see it happen! And then, Scott Tenorman will forever be known as the kid who had his weiner bitten off by a pony!!! WAHAHAHAHAA!!! Kyle: What's in it for us? Cartman: What? Stan: Yeah, why should we all care about getting Scott Tenorman back for you? Cartman: Oh, right. Why should we care? [slaps the pointer into his right hand] Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Scott Tenorman walk away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Hell, let's let all the Scott Tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here right now and say, "It's not your problem." But... years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a difference! Where you could have told Scott Tenorman, "You may take our pride, but you'll naver take my Goddamned sixteen dollars and twelve cents!!" [flips to the next page, which has written on it "$16.12" with double underline] Now who's with me?!! [turns around to fine only one other person in the basement.] Timmy: Timmay! Cartman: [slaps his forehead and sighs] Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Timmy! Timmy: Euuh, livin' a lie, Timmih. [rolls out of the room. Cartman is stunned, then angry] [A barn, day. Cartman stands next to a scarecrow. He pulls out a frank from a bag of weiners and places it in the scarecrow's crotch] Cartman: There we go. [stands aside] Come and get it. [camera pulls back to reveal a pony nearby] ...Come on, pony, bite the weiner. Bite it. [the pony looks, then approaches] Come on, good pony. That's it! [the pony sniffs thei weiner] Now, bite it off! Bite off the weiner! Good pony! [the pony bares its teeth... only to start licking the weiner] Oh no, pony, he'll like that. Jimbo: [rushng up with Ned after eyeing Cartman in the corral] Eric! Are you training that pony to plese you?! Cartman: No, I'm trying to teach it how to bite someone's penis off. [by this time, the pony is sucking on the weiner] Jimbo: Oh. Well, does Mr. Denkins know you're usin' his pony? He sh**t trespassers on sight, you know. Cartman: He said it was okay. Jimbo: Alright, then. [turns to walk away, but remembers something] Wait, why the hell are you trainin' Denkins' pony to bite off someone's penis? Cartman: Because [ominously] of Scott Tenorman! I hate him! And I want to make him suffer! Jimbo: Well, son, I think you have a pretty stupid plan there. Cartman: [noticing the sucking] Not like that, pony! [slaps the weiner out of its mouth] Jimbo: Look, if you wanna get revenge on somebody, you've gotta think like a hunter. [the pony reaches for the weiner and starts sucking it again] Cartman: Whattayou mean? Jimbo: Step 1: Find someone's weakness. Step 2: exploit that weakness. Cartman: How do I do that? [Scott's house, night. Cartman appears in the bushes across the street. He pulls out binoculars and checks out the various rooms in the house. He sees Scott in his room, with Radiohead posters on his wall] Jimbo: [pops up] What do you see? [Ned pops up. All three are in camouflage] Cartman: I see Scott Tenorman. With his ginger red hair and his stupid freckles and his- Goaddmnit goddamnit I hate him!!! Jimbo: No, young hunter. I mean, what do you see? You must learn all you can about your k*ll. Cartman: Right, right. Let's see... There's posters. Radiohead posters! And he's reading a magazine about Radiohead! Jimbo: Oo what's a Radiohead? Cartman: You know, that band that sings that song: Well, I'm a creep. I'm a winner... Ned: Mmuh what am I doing here? Jimbo: Oh, Jesus, don't start singing, Ned! Cartman: So, the subject is a big Radiohead fan, huh? Maybe I should come up with a [British accent] li'l ol' scheme [normal] that involves them. Jimbo: Nice thinking, young hunter. Cartman: Whoa! Jimbo: What? Cartman: I'm looking in Scott's parents' room. Scott's mom's about to take off her bra. Jimbo: What?! Give me those! [rips the binoculars away and looks for himself] Holy crow, he's right, Ned! Mrs. Tenorman's lettin' the twins out! Ned: Mn let me see. Cartman: Radiohead. Yes, of course. [drops down] Jimbo: Dear God, they're bigger than I ever imagined! Ned: Let me see. Let me see. Jimbo: Here you go. [allows Ned to look through the binoculars, and Ned begins to masturbate] Wow, those are great. Maybe I should go grab some beers, Ned. Ned, what- a-are you jackin' it? Ned: Kinda. Jimbo: Well, stop it! [the porch light turns on and Mr. Tenorman walks out the front door. Jimbo and Ned freeze] Mr. Tenorman: Hey, what the hell are you doing out there?! Jimbo: [hushed] Oh crap! Mr. Tenorman: Who's out there? Jimbo: [hushed] Ned, for Christ's sake, stop jackin'! Ned: I can't. Mr. Tenorman: Don't think I don't see you! I know who you are and I'm calling the police! [Jimbo and Ned witness other men rise from the pushes and split. Among them are Randy, in a Groucho Marx outfit; Gerald, dressed as a clown; Stuart, with a paper shopping bag over his head; one man in scuba gear, and one more man] A man: Whoa, I gotta get out of here! [Mr. Tenorman is left wondering why so many men were there.] [Scott's house, the next day. Cartman returns yet again and rings the doorbell. Scott answers.] Cartman: [cheerfully] Oh, hey, Scott. How's it goin'? I was just wondering, do you like the band, uh, Radiohead at all? Scott: Uh huh. Cartman: Oh, really? Oh, 'cause, they're doin' a big interview on MTV, and they're playing it tonight on a big screen downtown. [gloats] Everyone's gonna be there! Scott: Oh, cool. Um, thanks for tellin' me. Cartman: You're welcome, Scott. [turns and walks away] [Downtown South Park, night. Cartman stands on a small stage as a crowd gathers. On stage is a big-screen TV and tower speakers] Cartman: Okay. Well, it looks like everyone is here. Let's play the video, shall we? [activates the screen and then walks off stage] Kurt Loder: Welcome back to MTV. We're here with the members from Radiohead, probably the hottest band in the world right now. [Cartman joins the crowd and stands next to Scott, his mood changing from happy to mad] Guys, when is the next album coming out? Cartman: [has taped over the band's answers with his own — first as Thom Yorke] That's an interesting question, Kurt. But first I'd just like to say that I really hate this kid named Scott Tenorman. He's stupid. [now as Johnny Greenwood] Yeah, I hate Scott Tenorman too. [Now as Ed O'Brien] I think all the guys in the band hate him, right guys? Cartman: Oh, Jesus, did you hear that, Scott? [Scott looks down, and ponders Cartman's role] Kurt Loder: And will there be a new tour? Cartman: [Now as Phil Selway] Well, we would tour, but we just hate that Scott Tenorman kid so much that we don't want to. [Now as Thom Yorke] Yeah. Scott Tenorman is totally not cool! He's not cool! Cartman: Wow, that really sucks for you, Scott. [Scott is gone] Scott? Ha haha ha ha ha! Did you see that? Scott mast have ran home so embarrassed! Ha ha ha ha. And you know what? That wasn't really Radiohead talking! I just dubbed their voices over! HAHAHAHA! [feedback is heard] What a ret*rd! [the kids around him face right] And now everyone saw it! [looks around] Scott: [off screen] Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's time for the amazing Pube Boy! [moves aside to show an ever bigger TV, which is turned on. Scott has apparently filmed Cartman earlier begging for his money] Cartman: [on screen] I'm a little piggy; here's my snout. Oink oink oink, oink oink oink. [the kids begin to laugh hard, then harder. The same clip is shown over and over, and Kenny begins to laugh. Soon he can't control himself, and falls over d*ad] Stan: [looks over at Kenny's corpse] Oh my God, he k*lled Kenny. Cartman: [seething with anger] That does it! I'm gonna get Scott Tenorman once and for all!!! [That night, dark and stormy, appropriate for Cartman's mood at the moment, Cartman's house. A boy possessed, he's in his room devising a new plan. An evil look comes across his face] Cartman: Hueah. You think you're so cool, Scott Tenorman? We'll see how cool you feel after this-uh! Yes. Yes! Yes!! [goes into whispers and brings out a protractor and a compass] Then... that... [finishes his plan] Hahaha, hahahaha! Yes! It is the most genius plan ever!! Scott Tenorman is going to wish he never met meee!!! [a truly evil grin appears on his face.] [Mr. Denkins' farm, next day. Cartman is back at the corral waiting for his friends. Stan and Kyle walk up.] Kyle: Okay, Cartman, what do you want? Cartman: Stan, Kyle, thanks for coming. I have it all figured out! Stan: Got what all figured out? Cartman: How to get Scott Tenorman back! Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh, Jesus! Cartman: I just finished planning a brilliant [British accent] li'l scheme [normal] that should put Scott in his place for good! And if you help me, I'll give each of you... two... dollars. [holds out two fingers] Kyle: Okay, so what's the plan? Cartman: It's the brilliant combination of my last two plans. Scott Tenorman's favorite band is Radiohead, right? Stan: Yeah. Cartman: So, I realized, "What if we got Radiohead to come here to South Park?" right? Then they could meet Scott Tenorman — and — see him get his weiner bitten off by a pony! [camera pulls back to reveal the setup: pony, scarecrow with weiner attached to groin] Kyle: ...What? Cartman: Don't you see? If I can get this pony to bite off Scott's weiner in front of Radiohead, then Scott would cry. And if Scott cries, then Radiohead will say Scott Tenorman is totally not cool! And that would make Scott Tenorman wanna die!! [laughs demonically] Okay, I'll keep working on the pony, you guys go get Radiohead to play here! Ready? Break!! [nothing happens for a few seconds] Kyle: You're such a dumbass, Cartman. [he and Stan turn and walk away] Cartman: ...Fine, I'll do it myself!! You guys just watch!! [walks over to the pony] Ready, pony? [the pony nods] Bite it! [the pony bites off a piece of the weiner] Yes!! [exults] [London Recording Studio, day. Inside, Radiohead prepares to record. One of them is on the floor reading fan mail] Johnny: Thom, will you stop reading fan mail? We have work to do. Thom: Just a second, fellas. Listen to this: Dear Radiohead, My name is Eric Cartman. I'm a young, supple eight-year-old boy from South Park, Colorado. I am writing to you because of a kid I know named Scott Tenorman. Scott is fifteen, and I'm afraid he has cancer. In his ass. Radiohead is his favorite band, and it would make his short life if you could find it in your hearts to visit him before he dies alone and scared. Won't you please consider it? I don't think he'll make it past... next Tuesday around 5. Phil: Wow, we have to go. Ed: To Colorado? But we have an album to mix. Thom: Didn't you hear the letter?? This poor kid has cancer! In his ass! [Scott's house, day. A phone rings. Scott answers it in the living room.] Scott: Hello? Kyle: [voice at other end] Scott Tenorman? Scott: What do you want?! Kyle: We just wanna warn you: Eric Cartman, the fourth grader, is goin' tuh try and trick you somehow into getting your weiner bitten off by a pony who lives at Denkins' ranch. Scott: How do you know? Kyle: 'Cause, we're his friends. Scott: Thennn why are you telling me? Kyle: 'Cause we hate him. Scott: Oh. Kyle: Well, we just thought we'd let you know. See ya. Scott: See ya. [the doorbell rings. Scott walks over to open the door] [At the front door] Cartman: [with tickets in hand] Hello, Scott! Scott: Hey. Cartman: I was just stopping by to invite you to my Chili Con Carnival. It's a chili cook-off with rides. [shows him the face of the ticket] Everyone's coming, and I wanted to drop by your invitation personally! Scott: Ooo, a chili carnival, huh? That sounds great. Cartman: [getting smug] Yeah! There is even gonna be a big surprise, so you won't wanna miss it, Scott.Oh, and here! Here's a coupon good for one free pony ride! Scott: Wow, a pony ride. Neat. Cartman: Oh, it will be very neat, Scott. Scott: Gosh. Chili, rides, and ponies? What more could I want? Cartman: [under his breath] A little penis-biting, perhaps? Scott: What? Cartman: Uhnothing, nuhothing! So you'll come for sure then, Scott? Scott: How can I turn it down? Cartman: Sweeet. k*ller. Bye, Scott. [Scott turns around and closes the door] Ohoho, you are good, Eric. You are very, very good. [leaves] [back in the living room] Scott: Mom, Dad, that was my good friend Eric at the door? He told me that there's a starving pony at Denkins' ranch that's been abandoned. Mom: Oh dear. Scott: Yeah, I feel really bad. But I don't know how I can help it, because I have a lot of homework to do. Dad:: [drops his paper. Both parents rise] Well, don't you worry, Scott. Your mom and I can go get the pony and have it taken to an animal shelter. Mom: We sure can. Scott: Wow, would you really? I feel so much better now. Mom: [hugs him] Oh, Scott, you're such a loving, caring boy. I'm so proud of you. Scott: I'm proud of you, too, Mom. Mom: Let's go, hon. [heads for the door] Dad: Let's. [follows her out] [In the kitchen. Scott is cooking up something... his friends arrive] Buddy 1: What are you doing, Scott? Scott: What's it look like? I'm making chili. Did you bring the goods? Buddy 2: [holds out a bag full of hair] We got everyone we could find to chip in. [his friend giggles] There are pubes from just about every single kid in town. Scott: Awesome! [yanks the bag away, opens it, and mixes the pubes into the chili] Buddy 1: Oh, dude! Scott: The little fat kid thinks he's gonna get revenge tomorrow. We'll see how he likes it when I tell him he just ate the pubes of every kid in town! Buddy 2: Yeah! [hi-fives Scott, and the three laugh heartily] [South Park, next day. The Chili Con Carnival is in full swing. People have already arrived. Stan and Kyle walk up] Cartman: [steps out of the ticket booth to greet them] Oh, hello, guys! Thanks for coming to my Chili Con Carnival! Stan: This is the dumbest thing you've ever done, Cartman. Cartman: [smug] Ohoho, it won't be so dumb when Scott Tenorman arrives. I suggest you stay to see the fireworks! Kyle: Oho, we will. Trust us. We won't miss this. [looks at Stan, who's smiling] Cartman: What's so funny? Stan: Oh nothing, it's just cool how you're gonna get Scott Tenorman back. Is Radiohead here yet? Cartman: Not yet, but they will be. Kyle: Yeah, sure. [As Chef arrives, Stan and Kyle leave] Chef: Hello, Eric! Cartman: Hey, Chef. Chef: I made some chili to enter into the contest. Cartman: What contest? Chef: This is a chili cook-off, ain't it? Cartman: Huh? Oh. Yeah, I guess it is. Uh, here, Chef, just put it over here. Chef: It's my special recipe. Cartman: [seeing Scott, interrupts. Slowly and sweetly] Scott Tenorman!!! How are you, Scott? Thanks so much for coming! [Scott holds a small container of chili] Scott: Oh, I wouldn't miss this for anything. Cartman: [overjoyed] Likewise. Well, come on, you've got to see the pony! Scott: Just a second: don't you- wanna taste my chili first? Cartman: Well, e-yeah, but, there's a special guest coming, and I want you to be near the pony when they arrive. Scott: Well I don't want it to get cold. I think I can win first prize. Cartman: [sighs silently] Alright, Scott, uh. Let's go over to the judging table and we'll try the chili first. [Scott leaves] Goddamnit! [Cartman's house, the judging table. Cartman and Scott take their seats. Behind Scott stand Butters, Kyle, Stan, and Scott's friends. Behind Cartman stand Bebe, Clyde, and Token] Scott: [setting his plate before Cartman] Alright, I guess we should taste each other's chili, huh? Cartman: [inspecting the dish] Huh, this chili looks pretty good. Weh, here's mine. [hands his plate to Scott, who takes it to his end of the table and starts eating] Scott: Mmm. Ah, I don't know. Your chili is pretty good, Cartman, but I think mine is better. Try it. Cartman: Alright. [takes the dish and starts eating. Both boys munch away for a few moments] Hey, this is great! [Stan and Kyle stifle giggles] Scott: Eh, it's a special recipe Cartman: [begins to wolf down the food] Gawh, this is really good, Scott! Scott: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have some'in' to tell you. Cartman: What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili? [Everyone at Scott's end of the table is shocked, even Scott, at this accusation] Scott: What?! Cartman: Yehes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. [Chef looks like he's been used] It's delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. [Stan and Kyle are stunned] I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your weiner. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who sh**t trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do somethng to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony K*llers were in the area. [A sh*t of Cartman telling Denkins of such a thing. Denkins is armed] I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your weiner bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. [A sh*t of Scott talking with his parents] And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he sh*t and k*lled both your parents. [The Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony, but upon seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them, and they go down] Mr. Denkins: [looks of horror surround him] Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I, I have my rights. Scott: My... mom and dad are... d*ad? [A sh*t of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins] Cartman: I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... [A sh*t of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away. The pony munches at some grass] After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could tell you personally about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. [more faces of horror behnd Cartman] Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? [A gleefully evil look comes over Cartman] I call it, "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili." Scott: [looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened] Oh my God! [gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger. He tosses it away] Oh my God!! [vomits off to the side] Cartman: [leaping up on the table and sings] Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! I made you eat your parents! Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! [Stan and Kyle are way stunned] Stan: Jesus Christ, dude! Scott: [grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table] My mom and dad are d*ad! [pounds the table] No! NOOO!! [Radiohead arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices] Thom: Uhm, excuse me? Stan: Who are you? Johnny: We're that band, Radiohead. Scott: [raises his head] Jesus! Ed: Jeez, what a li'l crybaby! Colin: Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby?? Thom: You know, everyone has problems; it doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it. Ed: Come om, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. [the members of the band start leaving] Thom: Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met. Phil: Little crybaby! Scott: [gathers himself and looks] No, wait! Waaiittt!! Oh my God, Oh my Gaawwwd!! [buries his face in the table and bawls again] Noooo! Cartman: [walks over to Scott's end of the table] Yes! Yesss!! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! [starts licking Scott's tears off his face] Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet. Kyle: Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again. Stan: Good call. Cartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! My-ymmuy. [licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face.] Mm-yummy you guys! [the iris common to Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies cartoons appears, with fanfare] Yuppitibut, that's all, folks! [waves] [End of Scott Tenorman Must Die]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "05x04 - Scott Tenorman Must Die"}

foreverdreaming

[Cartman's house, day. Cartman and his friends sit on the sofa watching TV] Announcer: [voice only] And so, in her career filled with lies, backstabbing, and whoring herself for money, [sh*t of the TV, with the camera panning up to reveal Punky Brewster sitting in a director's chair] she learned that the price of fame can be pleasing 65 men at once in a dark, dirty alley. [image of Punky makes room for the show's logo on the right side] And so ends "Punky Brewster, Behind The Blow." Cartman: Whoa, bummer, dude. Kyle: Okay, dude, it's 3:30. [Cartman changes the channel] Announcer 2: [sh*t of TV as "The Terrance & Phillip Show" begins] It's time for the Terrance & Phillip Show! The Boys: Yay! Phillip: Excuse me, buddy. Terrance: Why, did you fart? [farts] Oh, no! [both laugh] Stan: Oh man, this is another rerun. Cartman: Are you sure? I haven't seen it. Kyle: Yeah, fatass, this is their famous Mechanic sketch. Phillip: I'm looking for a mechanic. Can you tell me how to get to the auto garage? Terrance: Sure, buddy! All you need to do is go down to the [faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart. Whatever Terrance is saying is drowned out by the fart], and that's how you [boys join in] get to the auto garage! Phillip: Can you tell me how to get to the auto garage without farting? Terrance: Sure. You go the same way [Kyle chimes in] except stick your finger up your ass. Phillip: No no no! I mean, could you tell me the directions again without you farting? Terrance: OOOH! Sure! Just stick your finger up my ass. Phillip: Alright, no problem, buddy. [Terrance lowers his pants enough to show his ass; Phillip sticks his finger in there] Now, tell me: How do I get to the auto garage to see a mechanic? Terrance: [now wearing a mechanic's hat] You're at the auto garage. I am the mechanic. Phillip: Why the heck didn't you tell me you were the mechanic? Stan: Because I had an itch up my ass. Terrance: Because I had an itch up my ass. [the two laugh, then the boys laugh, then the laughter dies down. Terrance farts again, and they both laugh as the camera's iris shuts slowly.] [Cut to next scene, where they are working on toilet plumbing] Terrance: Terrance & Phillip will be right back... Phillip: ...after these messages. [toilet water eropts from the toilet and blows them off camera] [Cut to Cartman's living room] Stan: When are they gonna make new ones? Announcer 3: [On TV, "HEY KIDS!!," white on green, appears and gets bigger, then dances on a blinking background] Hey kids, don't miss the greatest event of the year! This Thursday night at the Denver Coliseum, see Terrance and Phillip LIVE! And in person ["Terrance and Phillip LIVE! And in person" appears, then Terrance and Phillip flank the text on either side] Stan: What's this? Announcer 3 [scenes from various episodes appear] One night and one night only, see all your favorite Terrance and Phillip bits live! [Kenny starts babbling incoherently] Kyle: Oh my God! Cartman: [running in circles] You guys! Hey you guys! You guys! Stan: Enough! I know! Announcer: To order tickets, call TicketSlave NOW!! [a crawl at the bottom of the screen, black on red, reads "CALL NOW! 555-TIXS"] Kyle: Write the number down! Write the number down!! [South Park Elementary, day. Class is ready to start, the kids are in their seats. Kyle rushes to his seat] Stan: Dude! Did you get 'em? Kyle: I got 'em! Four tickets, 68th row, to Terrance and Phillip! I waited in line since 3 this morning! Cartman: Awesome! Give me mine! [Kyle gives them out] Butters: Wow, yuh-you guys ore gonna see Terrance and Phillip Live? Stan: Yep. Tomorrow night. Ms. Choksondik: [enters and goes before the chalkboard] Alright, children, let's settle down. As you know, this coming Friday is Earth Day. [writes it on the board] and I'm pleased to announce that the national Earth Day organization has chosen South Park as its location for the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival. Class: Oohh. Ms. Choksondik: The heads of the Earth Day Brainwashing organization are here to tell you all about it. [moves aside for the heads. Two men and a woman come in, each of them sporting a bow on the left lapel.] Older man: Hello children, I know you're all very excited about having the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival put on in your town. Younger man: [slowly waves his left forearm in a broad arc, to the left, palm out] You care very much about the earth, don't you? Class: Yes. Older man: Good, because it's up to all of you to get lots of people to come.and make it look great. The festival is on Friday, so we'll start getting it ready tomorrow night. [the boys stir and the camera closes in] Kyle: What?? Younger man: We've all gotta pitch in Stan: Ah, I'm sorry, but the four of us can't help tomorrow night. Cartman, Kyle, Kenny: Yeah. Older man: You... what?? Kyle: Well we got tickets to see Terrance and Phillip Live in Denver tomorrow night. We paid forty bucks apiece for them. Older nan: And Terrance and Phillip are more important than Mother Earth? Cartman: Well yeah, dude. Older man: [slowly waves his left forearm in a broad arc, to the left, palm out] You don't care about Terrance and Phillip. [the boys stare back] Nothing matters more than saving the planet from Republicans. [draws close and repeats the arm movement] You don't need to see Terrance and Phillip. Stan: No, dude, we really, really do. Older man: [to the woman at his left, whispers] Their will is strong. Ms. Choksondik: I'm sorry, boys, but nothing's more important than Earth Day. Kyle: [fielding] Uhuh, but that's why we're going. Stan: Huh? Kyle: Sww, w-we're the official presidents of the Phillip and Terrance Fan Club. A- and... we're... going to see them tomorrow 'cause we can get them to perform at the Earth Day festival. Younger man: You can get Terrance and Phillip to perform? [to the older man] That would be great. Terrance and Phillip would draw huge ratings from children all over the country. Older man: Very well, kids, we'll work on getting the event ready here, and you go get Terrance and Phillip. The Boys: All right! Older man: [ominously] But I warn you: You'd better not promise things to Earth Day people that you can't deliver. Earth Day people can be... eheheh very unforgiving. Kyle: [the boys look sufficiently scared] Heheh, heh, no problem, heh. No problem! The Comedy of Terrance and Phillip [Denver Coliseum, the following night. The place is packed and music plays in the background. The boys all sport their Terrance and Phillip shirts, as do some other kids.] Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! [the kids cheer and hoot. Spotlights wash over the audience, their beams moving around aimlessly] Put your hands together for... Terrance! [only one spotlight remans on, illuminating the mic, and the music cuts off] Terrance: [approaches the mic from behind the curtains] Hellooo, Den-ver! [the roar of the audience fades quickly as they see only Terrance there, and he's not quite himself. A smattering of applause follows] Kyle: Wow, dude, Terrance got really fat. Stan: Yeah, he looks terrible. Terrance: How are we all feeling tonight? Pretty good? [farts] Uh oh. [weak response, some claps] Hey, do you all remember this one? "Doctor, doctor. I think I cracked my ass." "Reallih? Let me take a look." "Look closer." [farts, and laughs] Stan: Uuuuhh. Cartman: Where the hell is Phillip?! Phil-lip! Cartman, Kyle: Phil-lip! Audience: Phil-lip! Phil-lip! Phil-lip! Phil-lip! Terrance: ["Phil-lip! Phil-lip!"] And now, for some classic Terrance and Phillip comedy! [the crowd cheers and music plays a bit] Phillip Stand-in: Hello Terrance. Terrance: Hello Phillip. Stan: Phillip? That's not Phillip. Terrance: Say, Phillip, I have a question for you. Phillip Stand-in: Ho-okay, sh**t. [bends down to receive the fart. Terrance bends over and farts on "Phillip's" face. They both laugh] Kyle: Dude, what the hell is going on?! Why did they replace Phillip? Cartman: I think this new guy's funny. Terrance: And now here's a classic Terrance and Phillip sketch that I wrote back in '62. [he and his partner pull out top hats] Phillip Stand-in: Excuse me, sir. Do you know Who farted? Terrance: He sure did. Phillip Stand-in: What's the person's ? Terrance: Who. Phillip Stand-in: The guy that farted! Terrance: Who! Phillip Stand-in: The person that passed gas! Terrance: Who passed gas! Phillip Stand-in: Now, why are you asking me? Terrance: That's the man's name? Phillip Stand-in: That's Who's name? Terrance: Yes! Phillip Stand-in: Something very terrible has happened in the world of Terrance and Phillip, and we've got to find out what. Phillip Stand-in: Look, buddy, all I'm trying to find out is What's the guy's name that farted? Terrance: Right, the guy that drank his own urine. Phillip Stand-in: Who? [Denver Coliseum, later. Stan and friend walk down the corridors backstage, heading to Terrance's dressing room] Stan: Come on, guys, we're getting to the bottm of this. [they reach the dressing room, but a bouncer stands in the way] 'Scuse us. Bouncer: Where do you think you're going? Kyle: We have to talk to Terrance. Bouncer: Hyeah, right. Stan: It's okay. We're the official presidents of the Terrance and Phillip fan club. Bouncer: Then get in the "Official Presidents of the Terrance and Phillip Fan Club" line. [points to the line, which has a lot more kids waiting to see Terrance. The boys turn to see...] Cartman: Aw, dude, gay! Stan: You don't understand: we saved Terrance and Phillip's lives once. Bouncer: You and about a thousand other people at one time or another. Now, get out of my face! [the boys head for the end of the line] Cartman: r*cist! [a boy wearing glasses watches the foursome approach. The boys fall in] Stan: Man, this sucks! Boy in glasses: [quite timidly] Are you guys official presidents, too? Cartman: Don't talk to us, kid. Kyle: Hey! Look at that line! [a post next to it reads "FEMALE GROUPIES AND OTHER RANDOM SLUTS" An obese woman stands last in line] It's way shorter. Stan: I don't think we're female groupies or random sluts. Cartman: Kenny's a random slut. [a look of anger flashes across Kenny's face] Kyle: Well, maybe we can sneak in over there. Come on. [moves to the other line. His friends follow.] Sshh. [stretches the fat woman's pants enough so that all four of them climb in and disppear under her fat] [Terrance's dressing room. He and a groupie are making out on the sofa, both moaning.] Terrance: Mmm. Mmm, yummy. [spanks her twice] Mmm. [they separate a bit] Groupie: It was so great meeting you. I feel like we really shared something. Terrance: We sure did, baby. [stands her up quickly and she looks back, disappointed in his reaction] Next? [the obese woman comes in happily] Obese Woman: [voice trembling] Hello Terrance. I'm such a huuuge fan. Terrance: You're a huge fan alright! Obese Woman: Can I just have you sign my breasts? Terrance: But what do I get in return? Obese Woman: Whatever you want. [starts making out with him] Terrance: Oh yeah. [lays down on the sofa, under her] Oh, that's good, baby. Obese Woman: Oh, Terrance, I love you. Terrance: You like that? [the woman unzips his pants, then her own] Obese Woman: I love you! [coitus ensues] Terrance: Yeah. Obese Woman: I LOVE you! Terrance: Ah good. Obese Woman: I LOVE YOIU!! Terrance: Yeah- Both: [reaching climax] OH!!! [Cartman leaps out the back of the woman's pants] Cartman: Agh! Wough! Man, it smells down there! [Terrance and the woman stand up] Terrance: Jesus Christ! That was fast! Well, what should we name it? How about Jerry? Obese woman: What the hell? [the other three boys climb out] Terrance: Oh wow! We had quadruplets! [the woman throws up her arms and runs out screaming] Stan: We're not quadruplets, Terrance. We snuck in that woman's spandex to get in here. Terrance: Oh! Thank God. The last thing I need is more kids. [gets a pen and paper] What do you want, an autograph or something? Kyle: Nuh, it's more important than that. Our school is putting on a big show for Earth Day, and we promised people we could get you to perform. Terrance: Earth Day, huh? That sounds like a very noble cause. How much does it pay? Stan: But where's Phillip? Terrance: [crosses his arms and looks mad] Who? Kyle: Phillip, your partner. Terrance: Why is it that every time somebody sees me they have to say, "Hey, where's Phillip?" Like we're freaking married or something! You know, I'll let you tater-tots in on a little secret: Phillip is a HACK! [sh*t of the boys listening] You know who wrote all the Terrance and Phillip stuff? ME! Phillip never did anything but read his lines! Kyle: But the guy who replaced him sucks! Terrance: Ah, I know. [sulks away from the sofa] I know he sucks [walks to his dresser and mirror. The boys are seen in the reflection] To be honest, things haven't been going so well lately. I'm not making any money because everyone wants to see Phillip. Why? What the hell does Phillip do? Stan: Becuase, dude, it's Terrance and Phillip. Terrance: Ogh, whatever. [turns around to face the boys] The point is, Phillip and I are through. [wistfully] And apparently, so is the act. And so is the money. Stan: What if we can get Phillip to agree to get back together. Will you do the Earth Day show for us? Terrance: HA! Goood luck getting Phillip! He left because he wanted to do [does a quote with his index and middle fingers from both hands] "more serious" stuff. Last I heard, he was doing Canadian Shakespeare in Toronto. Kenny: (Toronto?) Kyle: [pleading] But we promised the Earth Day people you'd perform. Terrance: Well, in that case, I'd say you four boys are up Fart Creek without a paddle. [the boys look at each other in dismay] ["South Park: Home of Earth Day Celebration 2001," day. Booths are being set up for the festival. The heads of the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival make their rounds] Older man: [through a bullhorn] Work! Work, children! We only have two more days until Earth Day! Work! Clyde: Ah, excuse me? My daddy is a geologist and he says there actually isn't any concrete evidence of global warming. Older man: That's not true. [waves his right forearm slowly to the right, palm out] Global warming is going to k*ll us all. [repeats the arm movement] The Republicans are responsible. Clyde: Thank you. [turns and returns to work. Stan and friends come in from the other direction and stop at a sign announcing Terrance and Phillip: "TERRANCE & PHILLIP As Promised By KYLE AND HIS FRIENDS"] Stan: Oh no, dude. Older man: [arriving with his assistants] Oh, there you are, boys. I need Terrance and Phillip's information so I can tell them their schedule. Kyle: Uuuh, we didn't get them. Older man: [gravely] Youuu what? Stan: They're not together anymore, dude. Younger man: You'd better be joking. We've already announced their participation. Kyle: Look, we could we could probably get Terrance, but he'll be perfoming with this other guy. Older man: You promised us Terrance and Phillip! We therefore promised the WORLD Terrance and Phillip! You WILL get us Terrance and Phillip, or else! Stan: But there's nothing we can do. Phillip is doing Shakespeare in Canada now. Older man: Then you'd better get your asses to Canada and GET him. We'll make travel arrangements. [the three of them start to move away] Nothing is more important than the environment, boys. Not even your lives. [leaves] Kyle: Well, guys, I guess we're going to Canada. Cartman: Weak. [Canada, day, outdoors. Music plays, and the set is shown: a throne room. The king and queen are there watching two swordsmen duel, along with two small groups, one on either side of the stage. Several Americans are in the audience. One of the duelers is Phillip, who is soon wounded by his rival] Phillip: Ahhh [leaps on his rival, and both lose their swords. The two scuffle on the floor for a few seconds. Phillip's rival fends him off, but Phillip picks up the rival's sword and wounds him with it. We soon learn this is Act 5, Scene 2 of the play, the finale. And so...] King Claudius: Part them; they are incensed. Hamlet: [Phillip] Nay, come, again. Queen Gertrude: Aaaah! [falls] Osric: [steps forth.] Look to the queen there, buddih! [Hamlet looks over his left shoulder] Horatio: They bleed on both sides. [Hamlet goes to check on the Queen] How is it, my lord? Osric: How is't, Laertes? Laertes: Why, as a woodcock to mine own springe, Osric; I am justly k*ll'd with mine own treachery. Hamlet: How does the queen? King Claudius: Hey guy, she swounds to see them bleed, buddih. [in the audience Stan and Kyle sigh deeply and Kenny plays with a toy plane, Cartman is asleep] Queen Gertrude: No, no, the drink, the drink,--O my dear Hamlet,-- The drink, the drink! I am poison'd. Blagh! [dies] Hamlet: O villany! Ho! let the door be lock'd: Treachery! Seek it out. Laertes: [genuflects next to the poisoned sword] It is here, Hamlet: Hamlet, thou art slain; No medicine in the world can do thee good; In thee there is not half an hour of life; The treacherous instrument is in thy hand, Unbated and envenom'd: the foul practise Hath turn'd itself on me lo, here I lie, Never to rise again: thy mother's poison'd: I can no more: the king, the king's to blame. Hamlet: [picks up the poisoned sword] The point!--envenom'd too! Then, venom, to thy work, buddih! [s*ab King Claudius] All: Treason! treason! King Claudius: O, yet defend me, friends; I am but hurt. Hamlet: Here, thou incestuous, m*rder, damned Dane, Drink off this potion. Is thy union here? Follow my mother. King Claudius: Blagh! [dies] Laertes: He is served; It is a poison temper'd by himself. Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet: Mine and my father's death come not upon thee, Nor thine on me. Blagh! [dies] Hamlet: Heaven make thee free of it! I follow thee, guy. I am d*ad, Horatio. Wretched queen, adieu! You that look pale and tremble at this chance, buddih, That are but mutes or audience to this act, [chuckles] Had I but time--as this fell sergeant, death, Is strict in his arrest--O, I could tell you, buddih-- But let it be. Horatio, I am d*ad; Thou livest, guy; report me and my cause aright To the unsatisfied. [chuckles] Horatio: Never believe it: I am more an antique Roman than a Dane: Here's yet some liquor left, buddih. Stan: Jesus Tapdancing Christ, is this thing ever gonna end? [Kenny continues playing with his plane] Hamlet: ...he has my dying voice; So tell him, with the occurrents, more and less, Which have solicited. The rest is silence. Blagh. [dies] Horatio: Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest, buddih!... [The parking lot. The play has ended. Phillip reaches his car with square tires. Stan and the boys chase him down] Stan: [reaching Phillip] Phillip! Phillip! Phillip: Yes? Stan: Our town in Colorado was chosen to host Earth Day this year and... we need a big act. Phillip: Oh, really? This run of Hamlet is closing down, I'm afraid. We could take it there. Stan: [stammering] Ah, well, we were thinking how cool it would be if you and Terrance got back together for a reunion and- Phillip: AH! Stop right there! I'm not doin' nothin' with that fatass egomaniac! Stan: But we need you! Phillip: Ah, I'm sick of him taking credit for all the work and not letting me change the act. It's old and stale! I mean, do you really think that fart jokes are funny for that long? [farts and laughs despite himself] Cartman: Look, if you don't come and do the show, I'll make you eat your parents! Phillip: Yeah, whatever, kid. Stan: He'll do it, dude. Kyle: Ah, look, Phillip. Everyone in South Park just wants to see your serious side. Phillip: What? The other boys: What? Kyle: They told us that "Phillip. He's the one with talent. Just get him for Earth Day." Phillip: Really? Well that sounds interesting. How much does it pay? Stan: Two thousand dollars. Phillip: [opens the driver-side door] I'm in! Here, call me at this number with the details. [hands Stan a business card] Gotta run! [peels away] Stan: Dude, you didn't tell him Terrance would be there. Kyle: I didn't see he wouldn't be there, either. Look, all we have to do is get them there, right? Once Terrance and Phillip get together again, it'll be like old times. Cartman: Oh, Kyle, you just made a huge withdrawal at the First Bank of Lies. Kyle: [silent for a bit, then] Ih-it'll be okay. [South Park, day. The kids put finishing touches on the various booths. The heads of the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival make their rounds again] Older man: [through a bullhorn] Work faster! Faster, children! Earth Day is coming! [they approach and ascend a stage set up for Terrance and Phillip. Stan and friends are already there, waiting.] Well, boys, it's rehearsal time, and your Terrance and Phillip haven't shown up. Kyle: They said they'd come. Stan: I'm sure they'll be here any minute. Older man: [moves to stand behind the boys with his assistants flanking him] Maybe you kids don't understand how important Earth Day is for the future of our planet. Maybe you need some convincing. Carl? [the younger man, now known as Carl, takes an Earth Day meat cleaver and chops off Kenny's left hand.] Kenny: (AAAAHH!) Stan: Oh my God! Phillip: [arriving] Excuse me, is this where the Earth Day crap is happening? Kyle: He's here! [Stan and Cartman smile] Older man: Oh. Very good. Mr. Phillip, I am Jack Farliss, head of the Earth Day Committee. Thank you for being part of this important event. Phillip: Whatever. Where's my check? [Terrance enters from the other side of the stage.] Terrance: Alright, I'm here. Where do I-? Phillip: [angrily] What's HE doing here? Jack: Alright, let's do a rehearsal so that the camera crew can get a look at it. [a zoom-out shows Terrance and Phillip facing away from each other] Kyle: Uhhh-woo wow! Isn't this great? You guys seeing each other again? Stan: Ee yeah, you must have a lot of catchng up to do. But let's rehearse first. Phillip: So, this is your dong, huh, Terrance?! Terrance: My doing?? These kids called me and said it was your idea and that you wanted to apologize. Kyle: Please, you guys. This is for Earth Day. [moves his left forearm, palm out, from right to left] You care about Mother Earth, don't you? Phillip: Well, what the hell? I already flew all the way out here. But I want my check made out to me, not both of us! Terrance: Ditto! Stan: Fine! [the boys leave the stage] Kyle: See? I told you it would work. [the boys take their places before the committee] Jack: Alright, we'll come off the speech about the dying whales, and thennn, action! Terrance: Doctor, doctor, I've cracked my ass. Phillip: Really? Let me take a look. Terrance: Look closer. [poots] Kyle.: [encouraging, claps] Haha, hahahaha. Hahaha. Phillip: Yon fart doth smell of elderberry sweet. Thou dost protes- Terrance: [interrupts] Uh. What? That's not the line, assh*le! Phillip: You're right. It's a better one, assh*le! Terrance: Just do the bit right, dickface! Phillip: Why don't you go eat some more pudding, you fatass drug addict?! Terrance: I may be fat but at least I didn't get hair plugs! Phillip: That's it! I ain't doin' nothin' with Kuko the Whale! Terrance: I never needed you in the first place, yuh hack! [moves off the stage, left] Kyle: You can't leave! The show starts soon! Jack: Boys, you've got... three hours to get those two back together. Do I need to remind you what will happen if you don't? Carl! [Carl pulls out the cleaver again and chops off Kenny's right hand.] Kenny: (OOOWWW!) Kyle: You bastards! Jack: Good luck, boys. [He, Carl, and the woman walk away. The boys move towards Kenny] Cartman: We've got to get them back together, you guys. They could do this to us. [South Park, later. Media has come in to cover the event: "Terrance & Phillip Earth Day Brainwashing Festival"] Reporter: [a woman on stage sings and plays a guitar] Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where Earth Day 2001 is in full force. [one sh*t of the booths] Environmental awareness games, boths, and of course, [a sh*t of more booths] the entertainment on stage, which is being broadcast live all over the country. This eco-happy crowd is thrilled and waiting in anticipation for the arrival of Terrance and Phillip, who are promised by these four boys. [an inset of the boys appears over the reporter's left shoulder] Jack: [takes the mic as the singer leaves] What a touching and true song. You know, it's true. [sweeps his left forearm, palmout, from right to left] Republicans are ruining the earth. Crowd: [repeating] Republicans are ruining the earth. Jack: Alright. Well, I thnk I know why most of you tuned in today. How about some Earth Day entertainment?! [the crowd cheers and claps. Jack gives the mic to Kyle and walks off. Stan has left the stage] Kyle: Hooray for the earth! We must protect it. [the crowd nose dies down] And now, as promised, here are TERRANCE AND PHILLIP, on video! [Stan hands a tape to a camera man, who puts it into a VCR and starts it.] Carl: On video? [the curtans part on stage, revealing "EARTH DAY 2001"] Narrator: They were considered the best comedy act in all of Canada. [a sh*t of the duo, then another of them with Tony Orlando and Dawn] But a fast-paced rocket ride to success would bring themto the depths of despair. [a sh*t of Terrance, slumped over his couch, then of the show's logo, with vigorous music] This is Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow. Crowd: fWow! Carl: [approaching the boys] What the hell do you call this?! [Jack and the woman show up] Kyle: Eh it's "Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow." I taped it last month. Jack: We promised people Terrance and Phillip, not a video documentary! You've ruined the earth for the last time, boys! [Carl wields the cleaver one more time, and it reads "Earth Day Cleaver 2001." The boys make a run for it] The Boys: Aaaahh! [they run behind the crowd as the committee pursues them] Narrator: [the show resumes] Terrance was born Terrance Herny Stoot, in the small Canadian village of Toronto. [shown with his parents. Mom is a Mountie, Dad seems to be a lumberjack] At a very early age his parents noticed an uncanny musical ability and decided to enroll him in the Canadian School for gifted babies. [a sh*t of Terrance playing a xylophone, then of the school building, then of Terrance in a class picture with other toddlers] It was here that he partnered up with Phillip Niles Argyle [soon highlighted], a brash young baby from Montreal. [a sh*t of a poster announcing their next performance] Together, they performed musical acts that stunned Canadians everywhere. [stock footage of Las Vegas in the 1960s] At the tender age of six, Terrance and Phillip were off to the United States to perform on the Ed Sullivan show [stock footage of the building the show was filmed at]. where American audiences would be exposed to Canadians for the first time. Ed Sullivan: [arms folded over his chest] And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have two adorable little boys from Canada. Please put your hands together for the music of young Terrance and Phillip. [fanfare, audience claps as the two boys are shown in Canadian Mountie dress. They begin their song and dance] Terrance & Phillip: Beef and lamb, chicken and ham Step to the left and clap your hands! Gosh we love our chicken and ham Don't let it go to waste that chicken and ham! Woman: Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads?! Man: It's alright, darling, they're just Canadian Woman: Oooh. Terrance & Phillip: Beef and lamb, chicken and ham Step to the left and clap your hands! Gosh we love our chicken and ham Don't let it go to waste that chicken and ham! Narrator: The Canadian act confused American audiences. [one person claps. Ed looks disappointed] But then something happened that would change Terrance and Phillip's act forever. [Phillip farts. A man and woman laugh, and soon the audience joins in. Ed claps joyfully as well. The crowd is soon roaring with cheers and then Terrance farts in return. More laughter and cheers] It was the birth of Canadian comedy. [a sh*t of Terrance and Phillip using their fart routine in their music act, a sh*t of them with President Gerald Ford] Terrance and Phillip spent the next several years perfecting their art, and meetng some of America's most infuential people. [a sh*t of the audience looking at the video, from the back of the audience] Phillip: [approaches Mr. Garrison] Excuse me, which way is the bus station? [still mad, carries a suitcse] Mr. Garrison: Hey, you're the guy on the screen. [points to the stage] Phillip: What? [looks at the screen] Narrator: But it was in 1974, on the Sonny & Cher Show, that Terrance and Phillip finally started to mix their Canadian humor with deep political insight. [splashy sh*ts of the Sonny & Cher Show] Sonny: You know, Cher, a lot of us real Americans don't know much about Canada Cher: [garbled somewhat] Well, a lot of us real Americans aren't as stupid and short as you, hm. [the audience laughs] Sonny: Please put your groovy hands together for the young and talented Terrance and Phillip! [applause and music as the duo come on] Phillip: Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried aboot all these Russians making missles. Maybe we should stop this cold w*r. Terrance: Here's a m*ssile for ya! [farts in his direction, and they both laugh. The audience laughs along] Phillip: That's better. [farts on Terrance's face, and they both laugh, and the audience joins in. Terrance farts on Phillip's face and they both laugh. The audience laughs some more. Terrance farts on Cher and Phillip farts on Sonny] Narrator: With this bold mix of humor and political insight, the world couldn't get enough of Terrance and Phillip. [the sh*t of Terrance and Phillip with Tony Orlando and Dawn] But their fame would come at a price, when Behind the Blow continues. [South Park Elementary, front. The boys stop there to catch their breaths] Stan: [panting] Okay. Okay, I think we lost them. Kyle: Jesus, man, those Earth Day people don't screw around! Cartman: Kyle, none of this would be happening if you hadn't LIED in the first place! You lied, and then you lied to cover up your lie! Kyle: I didn't see you complaining at the time, fat boy! Stan: Guys, we have no choice. We're gonna have to move away. Environmental activists don't use logic or reason. Carl: [off-screen] There they are! [the boys react and are off running] Kyle: Haaah! [Carl chops off Kenny's left leg to the knee] Kenny: (Aahhh!) Stan: Go! Run run run! [Kyle wails, Kenny keeps up somehow] [South Park stage. Behind The Blow continues] Narrator: [a sh*t of Terrance and Phillip with three Playboy Bunnies] As they entered their late teens, Terrance and Phillip were already starting to taste the sweet milk of success. [a sh*t of Terrance and Phillip propped up as scarecrows out on a field] But the price of fame was looming, as Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow continues. [a sh*t of Johnny Carson laughing it up with Terrance and Phillip] The '70s and '80s were a good time for young Terrance and Phillip. [a sh*t of the Donny and Marie Show with Terrance and Phillip cavorting in the background] Their act on the Donny and Marie Show earned them a Nobel Peace Prize. They were oin the cover of every magazine. [The Times, Teen Heat] And then in 1998, even a saturday morning cartoon was made, based on Terrance and Phillip. [From episode #102, "Terrance and Phillip and the Land of the Goat People." The camera pans an alien landscape, from a star in the sky to a pair of muscular men in spandex space suits] Terrance and Phillip themselves supplied the voices. Phillip: Say Terrance, what should we do aboot this strange planet we've crashed on? Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. It looks like the alien species here breathe an inert gas. Phillip: Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? [farts, and they both laugh] Goat leader: [approaches with his tribe] As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas. Phillip: Wow, that sucks. [he and Terrance laugh. The dialog continues as the narrator speaks] Narrator: The cartoon was such a huge success that it started to breed confusion over whether Terrance and Phillip were animated characters or real people. And so, in 1998, [a sh*t of them working on a script] the comedy team started work on what they thought would be their greatest achievement: A made-for-TV movie written by and starring Terrance and Phillip, called "Not Without My Anus." [a sh*t of the duo on the Metro, then the opening logo is shown, then sh*ts of the episode itself] It was their biggest project to date. But it had the misfortune of being scheduled on a night when a different and more pupolar show, the John Schneider Variety Hour [a sh*t of John singing], was supposed to air. When fans tuned in to see John Schneider and instead were treated to the Canadian made-for-TV movie [a clip of Terrance and Phillip on the Metro], they were enraged, bewildered, and scared. [a sh*t of the HBC building in flames] The fans revolted and b*rned down the network, k*lling six television producers and wounding twelve others. [a sh*t of the d*ad and wounded, another of rioting] The hatred of Terrance and Phillip had g*n. Terrance fell into a deep depression and started abusing wod pulp [Terrance sits slumped over his sofa with a small can of pulp at his feet] Phillip b*at up an angry six-year-old fan and was sued for six million dollars. It was the first time the duo tasted failure [a sh*t of teen Terrance and Phillip superimposed on a burning HBC building], and it nearly k*lled them both. Terrance: [moves into view, looking at the video] What's going on here? [he's behind and next to Mr. Mackey] Mr. Mackey: Sh. We're watching "Behind the Blow," m'kay. [South Park. The boys run past Tom's Rhinoplasty, with the Earth Day Committee in hot pursuit] Stan: Come on, Kenny, hurry up! [South Park stage. Behind The Blow continues. A sh*t of Mr. Garrison and Phillip] Narrator: [a sh*t of Terrance on a yellow sofa, drunk and unkempt, attempting to hammer himself to death] After years of depression and su1c1de attempts, Terrance and Phillip finally decided to get together [another sh*t of them working on a script] for one last film: [a poster for Asses of f*re is shown, then the camera zooms on on the duo in the car] the 1999 h*t, Asses of f*re. It was one of the highest-grossing films of the summer. [sh*ts of the duo singing and dancing in the street, during "Uncle f*ck"] And though the film also started the Canadian-American w*r of 1999 [sh*ts of the w*r], in which eight million people lost their lives, the film was conisdered a great success. [a sh*t of Terrance and Phillip holding an Oscar] After almost being ex*cuted by the Aemrican government [a sh*t of the attempted execution], Terrance and Phillip were eventually returned to Canada [they are shown getting off the plane, with the captain waving at them from behind], where they were touted as heroes. [a sh*t of Phillip looking at the video] They have been to hell and back, through the very best and the very worst of times, together, but they had seen it through. [a sh*t of the duo being hoisted above the crowd, Terrance holding a golden cup.] And so ends Terrance and Phillip, Behind the Blow. [the audience cheers and claps. Terrance walks up to Phillip, still with suitcase] Phillip: Terrance... Terrance: Oh, Phillip. You're still here, too. Phillip: I was just watchng this video, I ah-. You know, I've never seen it before. Terrance: [pause] Me neither. Phillip: [pause] We sssure did go through a lot together. Terrance: We sure did. Phillip: [drops the suitcase and makes a move] Terrance, I- Terrance: No. No, Phillip, don't say it. I was an assh*le, and this is mostly my fault. Phillip: That's what I was gonna say: You were an assh*le, and this is mostly your fault. [awkward pause] But, you were always the more artistically driven of us; I ssshould've put more into it than I did. [now dejected] Terrance: No, Phillip, I really thought I did everything. Until I- tried to do it alone. [now dejected. Phillip farts long and soft. A few laughs roll out of Phillip, then out of Terrance, and pretty soon they're laughing it up as they always do. The Earth Day committee approaches the boys, who have made it back to the festival] Jack: Think of all the endangered species that will now vanish because of you! Carl! [Carl chops off Kenny's right leg with the cleaver] Kenny: (AH how!) [topples over and away from the committee. Large amounts of blood quickly pour out] Jack: So long, boys! [he and the other two start to move off] Kyle: Wait! dude, LOOK! [the audience cheers as Terrance and Phillip take the stage] Terrance: Thank you everyone, thank you! You know, Phillip and I have learned an important lesson: that when you go through a lot with somebody, you can't let trite things come between you. Phillip: That's right, Terrance. You should only let trite things come between your asscheeks [both fart] Terrance: Ohohoho, nohoho! [both of them laugh] Stan: They're back! Cartman: Alright! Jack: Yes! Earth Day is saved, boys! Everything worked out after all! Stan: It sure did. Cartman: [rolling Kenny over so he can see] Look, Kenny, everything turned out okay! Kenny: (Oh, well now that's sweet.) Phillip: Say Terrance, can you tell me Who farted? [the camera pulls out as the skit continues] Terrance: He sure did, Phillip. Phillip: NO, I'm asking you his name! Narrator: And so, Terrance and Phillip got back together, proving once and for all that fame and fortune are never as important as friendship. [End of Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow The song they sing in the Ed Sullivan Show plays in full]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "05x05 - Terrance & Phillip: Behind The Blow"}

foreverdreaming

[A bright, sunny day, with some clouds in the sky. The camera pans down to a funeral scene in a cemetery with robust trees] Priest: ...And so it is with heavy hearts that we say good-bye to Mabel Louise Cartman. [a sh*t of the entire Cartman family, with a few new faces. Cousin Alexandra wears a veil over her face] She was a good woman, a community leader, a caring wife, a providing mother [a sh*t of Liane, teary-eyed], and a loving grandmother [a sh*t of Eric checking his watch]. Cartman: Mom, it's 3:30! This is taking up my whole Saturday! Liane: Ssshhh, pumpkin, it's almost over. Cartman: Why couldn't the funeral have been on a school day? Priest: And now, let us bow our heads in a moment of silence and reflect on how Mabel touched our lives. [all close their eyes] Cartman: [softly] God! She didn't take this long to die! Priest: And now we release the doves to symbolize the Lord taking Mabel into his arms and giving her everlasting peace. [a blonde assistant lifts the cage door cheerfully, then strains to hear some noise. She lifts the cage only to see the d*ad doves tumble out onto the grass] Assistant: [serenely] Peace. [music plays and everyone disperses] Cartman: Great! Now can we go?! Liane: No, sweetie, we have to tend to some of Grandma's business. Cartman: Ogh! God-damnit!! JOHNSON'S & ASSOCIATES LAW FIRM [The city, day] Executor: ...And so I leave my stocks and bonds, worth an estimate fourteen dollars and twelve cents, to be divided amongst my loving family. Cartman: [impatient, arms crossed] Mom, I wanna go home! Liane: In a minute, sweetie. This is important. Executor: To my loving son, Stinky: I leave you the house in Nebraska. Look after it as your father and I did. Cartman: Bluh bluh bluhbluh bluh bluh! Executor: To my grandson Eric: You are always my favorite fat little man, my perfect round little pudding-piler. Cartman: [under his breath] Oh, God, do you have to embarrass me even in death, Grandma?! Executor: For you, Eric, I leave from my life savings, the sum of one million dollars, to be transferred to you immediately. Cartman: [stunned] Hoosajiggawha? Liane: A million dollars? Executor: Eric is the primary benefactor of my estate, since it is likely the rest of you would spend the money on crack. Liane: Oh my. Uncle Stinky: That can't be! Cartman: Uh yah sir, excuse me: Du- Does this mean that I... have... one... million dollars? Executor: Yes, Eric, it's yours. Cartman: Nonowait, you don't understand: [voice trembles] since I was th-three years old it has been my dream to have one million dollars Executor: And now, you do. Cartman: Egh. [lets out four long screams while his family watches.] [South Park, day. A car with a woman seated in it appears on a hill] Stan: "There you are, Jennifer Lopez!" [Stan's face appears, and it's instantly clear that the car and Lopez are dolls] "You've been most uncooperative, Ms. Lopez." Kyle: "No, please! I promise I'll never make another album or movie!" Stan: "It's too late for that, Ms. Lopez." [inserts a small firework next to Lopez in the tiny car] Kyle: "Have mercy!" [Stan lights the firework. He and Kyle move away. The firework pops and the little car flips over] Yeah ha ha! Stan: Yeah, awesome! [Kenny runs up to the boys and starts talking excitedly.] ...Why? [Kenny talks some more] Kyle: Nuh uh. [Kenny talks with greater urgency] Stan: You'd better not be lying, Kenny. [the three walk out of view.] [South Park, the Bank, later. Inside, a banker counts the money out in $100 bills. Mr. Garrison, Principal Victoria, Chef, and others are there.] Banker: Nine hundred ninety nine thousand four hundred, nine hundred ninety nine thousand five hundred... Jimbo: Damn, Ned, I've never seen that much cash. Ned: Mm-me neither. Banker: ...Nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred, one million. [sets the last bill and moves the stack next to the other stacks.] Cartman: [softly] Look at it. Look at it, mother. See how the light reflects the spearmint green from its surface. Mr. Garrison: Eric, that is a lot of money. Don't you think you should keep it in the bank instead of at your hosue? Cartman: I'm not keeping it, Mr. Garrison, I'm spending it. Jimbo: On what? Cartman: On my dream. [zoom in] On the one thing that I've wanted ever since I could remember... [South Park, the Bank, outside. Cartman leads the others out of the bank and down the street. The money is in hsi Radio Flyer wagon] Broker: [seen in the crowd, pops up next to Cartman] Excuse me son, I'm an investment broker; I can help you invest that money. Cartman: Nuh uh, I'm spendin' it. Priest Maxi: Eric, God could sure use that money for a bigger church. Cartman: Huh, I think God has plenty of money. Kyle: What the hell are you doing, fatass?! Cartman: Not much, just taking my [stops the wagon and shows a stack of bill off] one million dollars out of the bank. [the other three boys are stunned] Stan: Oh my God. Kyle: Kenny wasn't lying. Cartman: Would you mind stepping aside? I have a purchase to make. Stan: Dude, can you loan me twenty bucks for a new jacket? Cartman: HA! If you need money, you can get a JOB, Stan! No freeloadeers are gonna take my hard-earned cash! Kyle: Your grandma left it to you! You didn't earn it! Cartman: Didn't earn it?! What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me?! All the wet spit-filled kisses I put up with?! The constant smell of aspirin and pee?! Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch! Kyle: No... No, this isn't possible. Stan: Yeah, it's unbelievable. Kyle: No, I mean, this is impossible, Stan! Cartman is the biggest assh*le in the world! How is it that God gives him a million dollars? Stan: Come on, we gotta see what Cartman is doing with his money. [walks away, but Kyle stays behind, in doubt] Kyle: Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama and... and you give Cartman a million dollars? [North Park Funland, day. Cartman and his mom are in the park office signing papers] Broker: ...Aaand if we can just get you to sign here... [Cartman signs] and here... [Cartman signs]. Liane: Are you sure this is what you want, sweetie? Cartman: My own amusement park, Mother. I'm sure. Broker: And now you just sign here, Mr. Foon. [Mr. Foon holds the pen and thinks a bit... a roller coaster zips by outside the window] Mr. Foon: I can't do it. Broker: What? Cartman: What?! Mr. Foon: Uh uh I can't sell this poor kid my park. [Cartman remains stunned] Look, I haven't been honest with you. The park hasn't been doing great business. Broker: Frank... Mr. Foon: Sshhhh. It ain't right, Chris. [to Cartman and Liane] The truth is, the park is a financial flop. I haven't turned a profit in years because I can't keep attendance up. Cartman: Oh, but I'm not buying the park to get people to come. Mr. Foon: You... you're not? Cartman: No no no! I'm buying it to keep people out! [Chris and Frank look at each other] Don't you see? Forever it has been my dream to have my very own theme park, so that I could be alone in it, all day, every day. I love theme parks. [zoom in] But the lines! Everywhere you go, people, crowds, [sh*t of people waiting to enter "The Mine Shaft"] The rides are great, but... [a sh*t of crowds on Main Street] All the lines, lines, LINES! [sh*t of people waiting to enter a ghost ride, another sh*t of a kids' mine shaft ride; another of Cartman pissed off, eyes squeezed shut, with waiting times floating past him] If there's one thing I hate, [a sh*t of two lines of people entering his head] all the lines, lines, lines, LINES!! [opens his eyes, and a moment later...] And then there get to be so many people [his eyes roll around independently of each other] that they make FastPass. [a sh*t of people in a FastPass line] So then there's lines for FastPass. [zoom out to show Cartman in line for a FastPass] You stand in line to get a ticket to stand in line later. Then there's lines for the bathrooms [two lines for the Waterworks Restrooms], lines for the drinks [Astro Food line], lines for cantakuras [Seussian characters play strange instruments for the people in line] and rare t*nk Plinks! [a vendor sells them - they are a fruit treat shaped like strawberries] ...And, so you see, this park is for me. Nobody else will be allowed in it. Mr. Foon: Nn-oh. Well then, I guess I don't feel bad. [signs the papers] Chris: [the broker] Mr. Cartman, congratulations, the theme park is yours. [slides the documents to Cartman] Cartman: Gentlemen, I thank you. [South Park Synangogue, night. A main door opens and Stan enters] Stan: Kyle? [at the front of the synagogue, Kyle sits in the first pew right, and a shaft of moonlight shines down on him from the rose window over the altar. Stan approaches] Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you. Kyle? Kyle: [not turning around, voice quivering] Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there and, and found this... big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I, I had to tell my mother, which, which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a- a- nd he told me. I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and, Cartman has his own theme park. Stan: Kyle, I, I understand what you mean, but- Kyle: [leaves the pew to face Stan, teary-eyed] Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah! To believe that we should all behave a certain way and good things will come tu us. I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself. I'm always saying, "You know, I learned something today..." and what does this so-called God give me in return? A hemorrhoid. He doesn't make sense! [to God] What is your logic?! [feels a pang in his ass] Ow. [tends to the pain] Stan: Look. Cartman... he thinks he's gonna be happy because he has his own amusement park, but, he's gonna find out that without other people, the rides are totally lame. I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park? I'll bet he's sick of it already. [North Park Funland, day. Cartman is on the Carousel on a white horse, alone] Cartman: [gleefully] Yyeessss! Yyeessss! [next, "Java Jam!!" a Teacup ride. Cartman laughs to himself] Awesome! [continues laughing. Next sh*t: Cartman in the "Bumper Buggies" bumper cars] Ho ho! [bumps into the car before him] Sweet! [bumps into the car behind him] Yes! [next sh*t: Cartman announcing at the Mine Shaft Ride] Folks, please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, make sure your seatbelts are fastened, and enjoy the Mine Shaft! [pulls the lever and the cars pull away. Cartman rushes to jump in the first car and buckles in. Outside, the cars go to one end of the ride] Yes! [the cars go to the other end of the ride] Yes! [next sh*t, goes to "Ride sh*ts: pictures of your ride"] Oh, cool! [a picture of him on the ride appears on one screen] Oh, look how much fun I had! [next sh*t: a haunted ride. First, a mommy pops out of a casket to his right] Whoa! Heheheheh. [a skeleton pops out to his right] Ah! Heheh. [a ghost pops on from his left] Whoa! Heh, heheh. [next sh*t, Cartman on a ferry around an island] Woooo, Adventure Island! Check it out! Awesome! [the island seems to have real animals there, like giraffes, elephants. Next sh*t, Cartman on a log ride, "The Yeti." He goes down the chute] Yoohoo! Yeh-hehess! [lands in the lake below] Yehess! [comes to the end of the ride, sobs joyfully] I'm so happy! I'm so happy! [Stan's house. Kyle enters carrying a padded seat ring] Stan: [on the sofa] Oh, hey dude. Terrance & Phillip is just about to start. Kyle: Great. [tosses the ring onto the sofa] Stan: What that? Kyle: It's my seat ring. I have to sit on it because of my hemorrhoid. [hops onto the ring] Ow. Stan: Heh, heh. [Kyle glares at him] Sorry. Kyle: So, how are things going at Cartman's theme park?! Stan: Dude, just forget about it. We can't let him get to us, or he wins. Kyle: Hunh, I guess you're right. Cartman: [voice, from the TV] Hey, everybody! Check out the all new Cartmanland! It's our Graaand Opening! Cartmanland has over a hundred fabulous rides [Cartman stands next to a Yeti. When the log car comes out, he jumps in and takes off], six roller coasters [one of them is shown], and tons of great surprises! [a haunted tree and the Yeti do their stuff. Cartman is back at the front gate] And the best part is: [zoom in] You can't come!! [Stan and Kyle look confused. Next sh*t: Cartman on Main Street] That's right, because at Cartmanland, only I, Eric Cartman, can get in! That means only I can ride the all-new Tornado Twister [a sh*t of the fancy new ride, with Cartman in one of the cars, going through the loops], a roller coaster that splashes in the water! Wow! [an overview of Adventure Island, with Cartman showing it off] It's the greatest amusement park in the Colorado area! And nobody can go!! Especially Stan and Kyle!! HAHA!! [a sh*t of Cartman landing in a space capsule, with parachute] So come on down to Cartmanland now! [Cartman in the Haunted Mansion ride] But don't plan on getting past the parking lot, [back at the front gate] 'cause remember: [cue music] So much to do at Cartmanland, but you can't come! [cut music] Especially you, Stan and Kyle. Stan: [hops off the sofa and heads for the door] That does it, dude! Kyle: Where are we going? Stan: We're getting into that fatass's park whether he likes it or not! [Kyle hops off and takes his seat ring. Both boys leave] [Cartmanland, Haunted Mansion, night. Cartman is back on the ride.] Cartman: [a mommy pops out of a casket to his right] Whoa! Heheh. [a skeleton pops out to his right] Whoa! [a ghost pops on from his left] Whoa! Heheheheheh. [he exits the ride and ambles back to the road] Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one part, with the-uum, with the spider that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally got me. That was sweet! Heheh. Kyle: [in the distance, while Cartman speaks] Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! [the sound of chain-link is heard] Owie-ow! Help! Ow, that hurts! Cartman: [lifts his hand to his ear to hear better] What the hell? Kyle: Hohohooho! Oowwww! Cartman: You sons of bitches! [goes towards the source of the sound] [Cartmanland, perimeter fence. Stan is in the park waiting for Kyle to come down, but Kyle is stranded on top of the fence. The view is from the park towards the parking lot.] Stan: Come on, dude! Kyle: Hoh Gohod, I popped it!! Oh h*t huhurts!! Cartman: [arriving] What the hell are you doing?! Stan: Aw, crap. Kyle: Oho God, get me off of here!! [falls off, but outside the park] Stan: Dude! [rushes out of the park to Kyle] Kyle: [now standing, rubbing his ass] Stahan, I have to go home!! I need my cream!! I need my creeheam!! Stan: Alright, let's go. Cartman: [reaches the scene, but stays inside the park] That's right! You stay out! Stan: You can't keep us out forever, you f*cking fastass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better! Kyle: My life can't get any worse! Stan: You'll see! We'll get in! [walks off with Kyle as Cartman glares after them.] [Cartmanland, day. Cartman stands at the front gate with a new employee. The entrances are now barricaded with wooden planks. Two remain open: the middle one and the one at far right.] Cartman: ...Alright, so listen: All I want you to do is keep anybody out who tries to get in here. If you see anybody on my propertih, especially Stan and Kyle, you are to sh**t on sight! Security Guard: So what does does this job pay? Cartman: Alright, now this is very hard for me to do, you understand. But, in return for you working security, I'll let you ride two rides a day. But only two rides, and only if I'm not on them. Security Guard: Uh, I'm afraid I don't really like rides. Cartman: [looks warily at the guard] But, you can ride anything you want. And you don't have to wait in line. Security Guard: I'm not interested. Cartman: Dude, are you from Mars or something? Any ride you want. No lines. Security Guard: If you need security, I need a cash salary. Cartman: But I don't have any cash. I spent everything on this park. Security Guard: Well, look: Why don't you just let a couple of people in each day? Every day you can just let two people in, charge $29.95 per ticket, and then you can use that to pay my daily salary. Cartman: Ugh. Two people? Security Guard: This place is huge. You'll never notice two people. And then you'll have security for your park. Cartman: Well, all alright, Goddamnit! I'll open the park to two people each day! But remember: anybody else you see trespassing the park... Security Guard: I will sh**t on sight. Cartman: Sweet. [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Kyle is on a gurney face down. A doctor stands behind him as his parents look on] Doctor: You're a very lucky little boy. I've never seen a hemorrhoid so infected. It could have k*lled you. [walks away] Kyle: Sucky. [the operating room doors open and in walks Stan] Gerald: Oh, look, Kyle. Your little friend Stan is here to see you. Stan: Dude, are you okay? Kyle: Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland, and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you? Stan: Well um, ah-I found out that Cartman is letting a few people each day into his theme park. I wa thinking we could put on disguises and get in. Sheila: Ah-ah-ah-I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid. Stan: Jesus. Kyle: But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman can get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there is no God. There's no God, dude. Sheila: Kyle, don't say such things! Kyle: Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do something bad will happen to me? Because if I do your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids? Gerald: Kyle, youyouyou just don't understand. It's- Kyle: No! I finally do understand! There is no justice! There is no God!.[Stan casts his eyes down] Do you hear me?! I renounce my faith!! [Cartmanland, day. Barbed wire has been placed atop every fence imaginable. A crowd of people shows up. Among the people are Butters, Clyde, Jordan, Bebe...] Cartman: [on the bullhorn] Alrightalright, listen up, people. Cartmanland is open, but only to two people each day. [turns it off] Kids: Aw. Boy: That's gay. Cartman: I just gotta cover my security expenses. Butters, Clyde, you can come in. Butters: Hoh. Clyde: Oh. [Cartman moves a post and the two boys walk out. Cartman places the post back] Cartman: The rest of you will just have to try another day. Kids: Aw. [they turn around and walk away. Cartman goes to the ticket booth and opens the window. Butters is waiting] Cartman: 'K, one park admission? That will be twenty-nine ninety five, sir. [Butters gives him the money and gets back change, his ticket, and a map of the park] Five cents is your change and enjoy your stay at Cartmanland. Butters: Hoh boy, oh boy! [Clyde purchases his ticket] Cartman: ...and enjoy your stay at Cartmanland. [Clyde leaves] Ogh, finally, work is over. Now I can get back to riding my rides. [walks in and dances down Main Street] Dada da, I've got my own theme park. Hm, what should I go on now? I know! I'll go on the Haunted Mansion ride again! [enters the lride and makes his way through the ] Da dait daa da Da dat dadadadadadaa da-ah- [finds Clyde and Butters waiting for the ride as well. They turn to see him] What are you doing? Butters: We're waitin' in line for the-ah spook house. Cartman: Line? Lines! I HATE LINES!!! Can't you go on something else right now? [Clyde and Butters lean away from Cartman, a bit afraid] Butters: Well we wanna see the spook house. Uh well, we paid twenty-nine ninety five; we should be able to go in the spook house. [crosses his arms in disappointment] Clyde: Yeah! But I think it's broke down. The cars aren't moving. Cartman: Ugh, alrightalright, hang on. [pulls out a walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Security! Security Guard: [arrives talking into his own walkie-talkie] What? Cartman: Oh, Jesus! Uh, look, the haunted house ride broke down. I need you to fix it. Security Guard: Uh, I'm security, not maintenance. Cartman: But I don't know how it works. Security Guard: Well your rides are gonna break down every now and then. You need to hire a maintenance person. Cartman: Ogh, alrightalright! I'll let two more people in each day so I can hire a maintenance person. [Cartmanland, another day. A crowd of people shows up. Among the people are Bebe, Token, Timmy, Kenny, Filmore...] Cartman: [on the bullhorn] Alright folks, we've had another change in policy. I've had to hire a maintenance person, and to pay his salary I have to let in two more people a day. [a sh*t of the crowd from the front, then one of Cartman] However, the stupid maintenance worker demanded I have food and drinks inside the park, so now I've had to hire a beverage person, and a cotton-candy person, which means I now have to let eight people come in a day! BUT, you are to try your best not to ride any rides that I am on! Understood? [everyone nods] Alright, let's go. [unhinges the velvet rope, and in walk Token, Timmy, Filmore and friend, Kenny, two adults, Bebe, and another boy] Timmy: Timmay! Cartman: [eyes the new boy and stops him] Wait a minute! Who are you? Boy: Mike Gainor. [Cartman sees a bandage on the boy's face and rips it off] Cartman: HA! Get the hell out of here, Stan! Stan: Goddamnit Cartman, let me in! Cartman: I thought you said buying a theme park was stupid! SECURITY! Stan: It is stupid, Cartman! You made Kyle lose his faith in God, you fat assh*le! Cartman: Get him out of here! [Stan looks up in surprise] Security Guard: Move along, sir. [sprays the pepper gas on Stan] Stan: AAAH! [The guard escorts him away] This isn't over, Cartman! Cartman: Eugh. Well, now I can finally get back to my riding my rides! [smiles and walks into the park. Next sh*t, Cartman in a roller coaster. Next, Cartman on "Plummet from the Summit"] Uh oh! Oh man, I'm so scared! [reaches the top of the ride, then the car goes into free fall] AAAAaaaa.... [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. A nurse works on Kyle's hemorrhoid with pincers] Kyle: Ah! [the nurse moves the pincers one way] Aaah! [then another] Nurse: Just a little more [one twist more] There we go. [withdraws the pincers. Gerald and Sheila enter Kyle's room with the Bible] Gerald: Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today? Kyle: [the nurse leaves] Awesome. [Gerald and Sheila take their seats near Kyle] Sheila: Kyle, we wanna tell you about the book of Job. It's a story from the Bible. Kyle: I've had enough of the Bible. What has it gotten me? Gerald: Oh, I think you'll see differently after hearing this. Sit down, Kyle. [Kyle gets cross, and Gerald corrects himself] Uh, okay. [begins the story. A Middle Eastern scene appears] You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan a long long time ago. [camera pans across the landscape and rests behind a man in a red robe and long gray hair] Job was a great man. He was blessed with ten lovely children [they come out of a building with their mother], a wonderful wife, and many friends. [his friends show up to join the family behnd Job, a proud and happy man] Sheila: [a sh*t of Job petting a bull] He was godly, and a good man, and fed the poor. [Job brings a bag of food to a woman with three kids next to her. One of them, a girl, walks up, and her mother hands her a loaf of bread] Gerald: He was the most upright and honorable of men, and every day he praised God. [Job falls to his knees in praise, as his shepherds look on] Sheila: But one day, Satan went up to heaven and talked to God. Kyle: [still mad] Satan talked to God? Sheila: Yes, in the book of Job, Satan talks to God. And God says to Satan, "Have you seen Job? He is a great man, and he praises me every day." Gerald: But Satan said, "Oh yeah? He only praises you because you gave him so much. If you didn't give him those things, he would curse your name." Sheila: To which God said, "Oh yeah? I'll show you, Satan! I'll take those things away from Job and he will still praise my name." Gerald: And so, God had a bunch of barbarians come in and slaughter Job's oxen and donkeys, and m*rder all his workers. [that scene is shown] Sheila: Then God sent his fireballs from the sky and k*lled his sheep and the rest of his employees. [meteorites rain down and destroy the fields and workers there, as well as the sheep] Gerald: And then, as Job's sons and daughters were eating, God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house and crush and k*ll them all. [the palm trees bend low as the winds pick up, then the two-story house collapses as the palm trees are swept away by the winds, and Job's family dies] Sheila: Job was terribly sad, but he fell to his knees and said, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away," and praised God's name. [Job falls to his knees and prays to God.] Gerald: So then, Job got painful sores all over his body. [shown, with the burning fields behind him] Sheila: He was in terrible, miserable pain all day, every day. But he still kept his faith. [another sh*t of Job among the d*ad, then a close-up of Job with his sores] Gerald: God said to Sata, "See? I told you. Job still praises me." [all that is heard after that is the sound of the heart monitor attached to Kyle.] Kyle: [a few seconds later] And that's it? That's the end? Sheila: Basically. Kyle: That's the most horrible story I've ever heard. Why would God do such a horrible thing to a good person just to prove a point to Satan? Gerald: Oh. Uhhh, I don't know. Kyle: Then I was right. Job has all his children k*lled, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God. [Cartmanland, day. Yet another crowd of people awaits to get in. Cartman greets them] Cartman: [checking off items on a clipboard] ...And, since the stupid security guard needs video surveillance, I have to let in two more people a day to cover those expenses... Need to cover the new ticket guy's salary, so that's three more admissions a day... [the clipboard reads, "Cartmanland Expenses."] Cleanup crew for the bathroom, money to cover paint and upkeep - so that's about four admissions - that brings the grand total to... [under his breath] God-damnit! [picks up the bullhorn and says] Eight hundred and sixteen people can come into the park today! [the crowd hoots and hollers and surges forward, engulfing Cartman. The people rush towards the one open ticket booth] Clerk: Welcome to Cartmanland. [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's recovery progress and is now talking to the parents] Sheila: Isn't he getting any better, doctor? Doctor: I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run. [leaves. The TV monitor is seen, with a picture of a financial program] Announcer: And now back to Money Quest, on HBC. Host 1: [Camera zooms in on the two hosts] Welcome back to Money Quest. [Kyle looks at the show] In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman [his picture appears on the screen behind the hosts] has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands. Host 2: And the way he did it is with the brilliant "You Can't Come" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing. Host 1: Well, ahah I thnk we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country. [At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone is waiting in line...] Waitress: I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now. [At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside....] Clerk: No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in. [At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...] Associate: [the shoppers rush out of there] Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here! [kicks the last shopper out] [Back to Money Quest...] Host 1: Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time. [Back to Kyle's room at Hell's Pass Hospital...] Kyle: Oh. Oohh.Ohuhughughhh. [passes out. A flatline appears on the heart monitor] Sheila: [approaches] Kyle? Kyle? [turns to Gerald] Get the doctor! [Cartmanland, day. Every ride has people on it, and every ride Cartman is on shows a dejected Cartman as the others enjoy themselves. At the Carousel he rides his favorite white horse, but shows no joy in riding it. At Java Jam!!! he's in a purple teacup with three other kids, and is not enjoying it. At Bumbper Buggies he's in the #7 bumper car] Cartman: [Bumped from ahead by car #9, Clyde] Eh! [Bumped from ahead by car #4, Kevin] Goddamnit, stop running into me! [at the Mine Shaft Ride he sits in the fist car, but is not enjoying it with all those other kids. Kenny is in the last car] Kenny: [around one bend] (Woohoo!) [around another] (Heeheehee!!) [he's out of his seat flying with the car, and he gets impaled in the face by a water pipe. It goes along for the ride. Outside, at Ride sh*ts, the sh*ts from the just-completed ride are shown. Kenny is shown on screen 3 with the pipe buried into his face, which is now unrecognizable. On the steamboat ferry circling Adventure Island Cartman covers his ears and looks around angrily] Cartman: AGH! [he's next in The Yeti log ride with older kids] DAAAAAAH!! [Cartmanland, Main Street. The crowds bustle about and business is good. Chris the Broker and Mr. Foon are seen walking down Main Street.] Mr. Foon: My God, look at it, Chris! That kid completely turned this place around! Chris: He sure did! Mr. Foon: Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this! Cartman: [approaches] Hey, there you are! [The two men see him] Mr. Foon: Oh, hello. Congratulations on your success. Cartman: Just give me my money back. Mr. Foon: What? Cartman: I changed my mind! I don't want your stupid park! Mr. Foon: ...But it's doing great! Cartman: You call this great?! I call it Hell! Trade me back, Goddamnit! Mr. Foon: [Chris smiles at this turn of events] You bet! I'll go get your money right now! [the men leave] Boy: [walking along] Daddy, daddy, can we ride the rockets? Cartman: GODDAMNIT GET THE f*ck OUT OF MY WAY!!! [scares the hell out of the boy. The father holds on to the boy] [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has brought Kyle's vitals back, and Kyle is on oxygen, but he's still unconscious. Gerald and Sheila look on] Gerald: Isn't he responding at all, doctor? Doctor: [turns around to face them] I'm sorry. Your son appears to be losing the battle. I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs. Normally, the body would fight the infection, but he's... he's just... given up on life. Sheila: But then... are you saying...? Doctor: There's nothing I can do. Little fella's just... lost his will to live. Sheila: [walks up to Kyle] Oh Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight! [Cartmanland... ahem, North Park Funland, day. The old North Park Funland sign is being restored, as are many of the rides Cartman replaced. The ticket booths are missing. A bulldozer sits outside the park ready to clear out anything else that needs removal. Cartman exits with the million dollars he originally paid for the park. The money is back on the Radio Flyer] Cartman: Good riddance, you stupid park! You can all kiss my ass! [three men in suits approach Cartman] Agent: Excuse me? Eric Cartman? Cartman: [turns to face them] Yeah? Agent: I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income or payout, and there's a five hundred thousand dollar discrepancy. [to the two other men] Seize the assets. [the men grab the discrepancy] Cartman: He- Hey, that's my money! Mr. Garrett: There's also the lawsuit of the little boy who died in your park. The family's entitled to the rest of this. [takes the wagon with the other half million] Cartman: What?! Kenny?! He dies all the time! Mr. Garrett: You still owe thirteen thousand dollars more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll see you in court. [the men walk away with the million] Cartman: Yeh- You can't take my money, Goddamnit! Mr. Garrett: We know how well your park is doing; you'll make it back in no time. Cartman: No! But I don't... ah... ah... [sees Mr. Foon through a fence and rushes to talk to him] Hey! Hey Mr. Foon, I changed my mind. I need the park to make my money back. Mr. Foon: Nohoho way, José! Cartman: But I'm getting sued now. If I don't have the park I lose everything! Mr. Foon: "I don't care," said Pierre. "I'm from France." [turns around and disappears into the crowd] Cartman: This can't be happening! AAAAAHH!! [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan bursts into Kyle's room] Stan: Kyle, you gotta see!! [the doctor looks at him. Sheila and Gerald turn around] Sheila: [sadly] Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley. Oh, Gerald! [weeps into Gerald's chest] Stan: Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here on his bed with the machines attached? Doctor: Well, I sssuppsed it could be rigged, but I- Stan: Then damnit man, do it! [North Park Funland, day. The ticket booths are back, and business is as strong now as it was when the park was Cartmanland. Off to the side, Cartman is throwing stones at one of the park walls] Cartman: It isn't fair! [throws another stone] You Goddamned assholes, it isn't fair! [throws another. Stan arrives with the doctor, the nurse, Kyle, and Kyle's parents] Stan: Look, Kyle. Look. [smiles] Kyle: [opens his eyes] Huh? Cartman: You just build me up to chop me down, didn't you?! What about my dream?! What about my money?! [throws another stone] Kyle: [more alert] Huh? Cartman: I'M SO PISSED OFF! [the security guard arrives, ready to spray Cartman] Security Guard: Move along, sir! You are vandalizing private property! Cartman: Ey! You used to work for me! [the guard sprays Cartman in the face] Ut ut aw! Aw, Goddamnit, you sonfofabitch! [coughs and wheezes. Stan grins and Kyle's vital stats get stronger. Kyle sighs] Stan: Kyle! Doctor: He's coming back. Sheila: That's it, baby. That's it. Cartman: Oho, Goddamnit, this sucks! Doctor: Wait a minute. Yes! The hemorrhoid is going into remission! Hemorrhoid: [receding into the colon] Oh, shih. Stan: Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable. [a sh*t of Cartman on his knees, sobbing] Even more miserable than he was before because he's had his dream and lost it. Cartman: It's not fair! It's not fair; I wanna die! I wanna daaahahie! [Kyle looks at Cartman, then up at the sky, then sits up and removes the oxygen mask] Kyle: You are up there! [smiles] [End of Cartmanland]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "05x06 - Cartmanland"}

foreverdreaming

[South Park, day. A car with a woman seated in it appears on a hill — Jennifer Lopez doll with car, and some damage from the firecracker last time.] Stan: [voice only] "So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez!" Kyle: [face appears] "No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make albums or movies." Stan: [face appears] "That's what you said last time [pulls out a magnifying glass from his back pocker], but obviously we must now resort to more drastic measures" [moves the magnifying glass over the doll's body and fixes it there, focusing the sun's rays into a point] Kyle: [fakes a cry] "Oh God it burns! It bur-huhurns!" Stan: "Scream for me, bitch!" Kyle: "AAAAAAAH!" [the doll's head begins to melt and shrivel, then Stan removes the magnifying glass] Stan, Kyle: Whoa! Awesome! Cartman: [runs up excitedly] Ey you guys! You guys! Come 'ere, you guys, come check this out! Stan: Oh no, what now? Cartman: No, you guys, this is really cool. Come on! [goes away, and Stan and Kyle follow] [Kenny's house, later. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle approach the house. Kenny's on the front lawn with a dog, and the other boys join him] Kyle: What's this all about, Kenny? Kenny: (Wait until you see what I can do to the dog!) Cartman: Watch this. It's sooo funny. [grins] Come 'ere, dog, come on. [giggles as he starts pleasing the dog] Good dog. [the dog rolls over on its back and Cartman starts stroking the dog's penis] Red rocket red rocket. [Stan and Kyle look at each other. Kenny starts to laugh and clap, and the dog's penis lengthens] Red rocket. Red rocket. [chuckles] Come on. [giggles] Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing? Cartman: I'm milking the dog. They make dog milk. Kyle: No they don't! Kenny: (Yeah they do!) Cartman: [continues milking] Yeah, just hold on a minute. The fifth graders showed us how to do it. [concentrates on the dog] Red rocket. Come on, dog, red rocket! [the dogs ejaculates, and the semen lands on Cartman's face] Ohooohhh Stan: Whoa, cool! [the dog quickly stands up and walks off] Kyle: That's awesome! Cartman: I told you guys. Stan: I had no idea dogs made milk; do it again. Cartman: [sighs] Dumbass, you can only milk a dog once every few hours. It doesn't work if you b*at off the dog again right away. Kyle: You "b*at off?" Cartman: [rolls his eyes up] That's what it's called when you milk a dog: beating it off. [looks at Kenny] Don't you guys know anything? Stan: Wow, you learned all this from the fifth graders? Cartman: Yeah, I guess they thought we were cool, so they showed us how to do it-hey come here, dog. Dog, come here! [laughs as a gray dog approaches] [Stan's house, night. Sharon is holding court in the living room, in a circle of chairs. She and Randy have eight guests over for some discussion...] Sharon: I was really happy with this month's book. I agree with what Bob and Linda said- Stan: [rushes in with Sparky] Mom! Dad! You gotta see this! Sharon: Not now, Stanley. This is Mommy and Daddy's book club night, remember? Stan: But it's super-cool! Sharon: Later, sweetie. [to the group] Anyway, I found myself enticed by Steinbeck's imagery. Man: Uh the first chapter alone was filled with poetry. Sharon: [Stan takes the dog and sets up near the table, away from the club circle] Oh, wasn't it? I mean, the first sentence: [reads from "Cannery Row." Stan starts: "Red rocket. Red rocket, Sparky. Red rocket."] "Cannery Row in Monterey in California-" ["Red rocket. Red rocket, Sparky. Red rocket."] "-is a poem, a stink, a grating noise..." [The other adults lean in to see the action in the background. "Red rocket. Red rocket, Sparky."] It's amazing how with three images [Mrs. Tweek covers her mouth as Mr. Tweek looks on, surprised] he puts you right there, and... Stan: [his parents turn at the sound of his voice] Red rocket, red rocket! Randy: [recognizes the activity] WAAAH! Sharon: Stanley, what the hell are you doing?! Stan: I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, red rocket. [the other adults turn away or show shocked looks] Sharon: [both parents now standing] STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW! Stan: My room? Why? Sharon: Go, Stanley! [he walks off to his room. Sparky looks at the group, then gets up and follows Stan out, with penis still erect. Sharon turns around and says sheepishly] Ahaha, ahem. Heheh, he, he gets very good grades. [Stan's house, later. His parents have entered his room, quite upset at his behavior earlier. Stan rests his head on his hands.] Sharon: Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months? Stan: No! Randy: Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company! [Sharon glances at him] Ah I mean, ever! Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever! Stan: Why?! What's the big deal?! Sharon: Stanley, don't you understand what you are doing?? Stan: I was doing "red rocket" to make the dog's milk come out. Randy: No, Stan! What you were doing to the dog was-ss sexual. Stan: Huh?? Sharon: You were stimulating the dog, Stanley! What came out of him was his... r-Randy?! Randy: Well, you know, when you do that to a m-male... the... eh eh you make his... stuff come out. [Stan looks confused] Well, Jesus, haven't they taught you these things at school?! Stan: What things?? Sharon: Sexual education. Haven't you learned that yet? Stan: No! Sharon: Oh. Look, well, you see, Stanley,... Well, your school should be teaching this stuff! Randy: Yeah! Let's get that damned school on the phone! [walks out the door. Sharon follows him out. Stan looks ahead blankly] [South Park PTA meeting, night. The parents are there, clamoring and arguing. ] Principal Victoria: Okay, parents. I know a lot of you want a chance to speak, but we have to talk one at a time. Sharon: [stands] Look, our kids are learning sexual things on the street and on television. There's no way we can stop it. The schools have to teach them sexual education at a younger age. Principal Victoria: School policy has been to teach sexual education later. In the fifth grade. Mr. Tweek: It isn't soon enough. Stuart: Yeah. Why, just this afternoon our son was caught beatin' off our dog. [Randy and Sharon look at each other in recognition of the act] Chef: Look, parents. Do you really want your children learning about sex? Part of the fun of being a kid is being naive! Let them be kids for a while. Ms. Choksondik: Naive at what cost, Chef? Parents, we have to face facts: Children in America are having sex at younger and younger ages. STDs are affecting younger and younger kids all the time. The only way we can combat that is by educating children before they have sex. Chef: The first thing that kids learn about sex shouldn't be some bitch-scare tactic about STDs. Sheila: [rising] No, she's right! With all the teen pregnancies that are out today, I think my boy does need to know about sexual education. [sits, then rises again] From the school. Adults: Yeah. Uh huh. Yeah, we have to. [South Park Elementary, day. "Fourth Garde B" is shown on a classroom door. Sixteen boys are present.] Mr. Mackey: Okay, boys, this is the first day of sexual education, m'kay? Now, I know that some of you think this is very funny. Words like "penis" and "vagina." [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman stifle some giggles] Nuh now STOP that, m'kay! We're goin' tuh get through this by being mature and grown up, m'kay. [turns and goes over to turn off the light, and turn on the projector with a remote control. Color cross-sections of male and female anatomies show up on the screen. Mackey jabs the screen with his pointer. The boys, especially Kyle, analyze the pictures. Mackey then points to the male anatomy] Now, this is the male anatomy, m'kay. Here we see the testes and the scrotum. [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman stifle some more giggles] STOP that, m'kay! The next person that laughs is gonna get a referral! [the boys stop quick] M'kay. Now, in order to have intercourse, the man takes his penis, and he... hmmm... uhh... [slows his speech a bit] let's see: the the man takes his penis, and he... hm. Stan: Dude, haven't you ever had intercourse, Mr. Mackey? Mr. Mackey: Well, sure I have! It's just... I was about 19 at the time, so it's been about 21 years... m'kay. Let's see, uh... [turns around and starts again] I'm pretty sure I took th-yeah I took the penis, and I bu- uh what the hell did I do with that damned thing?? [South Park Elementary, day. "Fourth Garde" is shown on a classroom door — this is Ms. Choksondik's room. Twelve girls are present.] Ms. Choksondik: Alright girls, even though this may be stuff you don't want to hear, you need to hear it. Wendy: Oh, we wanna hear it, Ms. Choksondik. We're excited. Bebe: Yeah, we think it's gonna be fun! Girls: Yeah! Ms. Choksondik: Fun! It's going to be fun! Well let's start with our first lesson, then, shall we? [writes on the board] SEXUALLY TRANSMITTTED DISEASES!! [the girls sit quietly] That's right, because unless you get boys to wear condoms you can and will get a sexually transmitted disease from them! How fun is that, hmmm?! Is that fun? Wendy: I didn't mean that- Ms. Choksondik: Today over 20,000 Americans will contract a sexual disease! TODAY! Twelve thousand more tomorrow! And the reason is that you girls wake up in the morning and say, "It's not going to happen to me." You say, "Oh, Ms. Choksondik, that happens to girls in Detroit, in Brooklyn, but not here in Colorado." WRONG! [the girls look chastened] Gonorrhea, herpes, clamydia, HPV, HIV, syphillis, hepatitis B, hepatitis C, the list goes on and on! These are serious diseases! They have serious consequences! [the girls are definitely afraid] You think that sex is about fun and games and love? [now with a folder in her left hand] Wrong! Sex is about disease! Here's a little picture of herpes. Girls: AAAHHH! Ms. Choksondik: And here's a little syphillis for you! Girls: AAAHHH! Ms. Choksondik: That's right, girls. Here's what happens when you don't get boys to use condoms! [The school kitchen, lunch.] Chef: Hello there, children. Boys: Hey Chef. Chef: How is sexual education class going? Stan: It's dumb. Mr. Mackey doesn't teach us nothin'. Chef: Yeah, I don't think Ol' Mackey knows a hymen from a hysterectomy. And Choksondik? I'd be surprised if she's ever gotten laid in her life. Kyle: Yeah... Chef, what's "laid"? Chef: ...Oh, nothin'. Now, move along, children, you're holdin' up the line. [The school cafeteria, moments later. The boys exit the kitchen. Behind them are Tweek, Butters, Kevin and Timmy.] Kyle: Hey! Maybe we should ask the girls what they learned in sex ed. Stan: Yeah. [they approach the girls] Hey Wendy, did you guys get- Girls: AAAAHHH! [hurry away from their table] Kyle: What the hell is wrong with them? [the boys move towards the girls, who now have their backs against the far wall] Stan: You guys, we just wanna know if you- Girls: AAAAHHH! Wendy: Stay away from me, Stan! Stan: Why? Wendy: Are you wearing a condom? Stan: ...A what? Girls: AAAAHHH! Bebe: Do any of you have your condoms on? Kyle: No. Girls: AAAAHHH! Wendy: Don't you know that without wearing a condom you could get a disease? Kyle: Nuh uh. Bebe: Yuh huh! If you don't wear a condom, you're gonna get AIDS. Cartman: AIDS? Butters: Oh, jeez. Ah I don't wanna get the AIDS, fellas. Kyle: Is that what you learned in sex ed? Cartman: Mr. Mackey didn't say nothin' about that. Stan: Dude, Mr. Mackey didn't know anything about anything. Wendy: You guys have to wear condoms. Now, please, just, just go away. We don't want your AIDS. Stan: [moves towards Wendy] But Wendy, we don't understand how thatt- Girls: AAAAHHH! [they throw their food up in the air and scatter, leaving the boys confused] Kyle: Oh my God, dude. Butters: Uh what are we gonna do, huh? Stan: Dude, we gotta go get condoms quick. Boys: Yeah. [they set their meals down at nearby tables and walk away. Cartman returns for his meal and takes it with him] [South Park pharmacy. The boys go in: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Clyde, Token, Butters, Kevin, Tweek, and Timmy] Pharmacist: Can I help you boys? Stan: Yeah, we need condoms! Pharmacist: [looks at them funny] Condoms. Kyle: Yeah. Quick! Pharmacist: How old are you boys? Stan: Why does that matter? Butters: Ha-I'll be nine next week. Pharmacist: Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms. Kyle: Well why not? You want us to get AIDS? Pharmacist: I just don't think kids your age should be- Assistant: [intervening] Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them. Mark: But... they're... children! Assistant: Would you rather them do it unprotected? Cartman: Yeah, you want us unprotected, assh*le?! Mark: I just think that all this sex ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong! Assistant: Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected. Stan: Well, I'm glad this lady's on our side. Mark: I don't think we have any that'll even fit them! Assistant: Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids. 'Lil Mini's. They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only five ninety five for a box of fifty. Butters: Fifty?? Uh, can't we just use the same one every day? Assistant: No, you have to change it. Kyle: Oh, jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things. [Ms. Choksondik's house, night. Mr. Mackey has come by for a visit. Books sit on two tables and the floor] Mr. Mackey: Uh thanks so much for letting me come over, Ms. Choksondik. Ms. Choksondik: Oh, it's no problem, Mr. Mackey. It's probably best we come up with a lesson plan together anyway. Mr. Mackey: Yeah I've already gone over most of the basics, you know, uh with the boys, but I uh... eh just wanted to see what else you were teaching the girls, in case I... "missed" anything. Ms. Choksondik: [reaches for a book and opens it] Well we should make sure our students are good and scared of the consequences. We have to teach them that diseases are possible even with just oral sex. Mr. Mackey: Right! Oral sex, which of course would be... Ms. Choksondik: [reading, then she looks at him] Using your mouth on the penis or vagina. Mr. Mackey: Penis or vagina, right. Oral sex, m'kay. Ms. Choksondik: It's just too bad these girls are having sex so young. Mr. Mackey: Yeah, why d-uh, did you? Ms. Choksondik: Did I what? Mr. Mackey: Well uh, how long did you wait before you had... uh... doobers. Ms. Choksondik: Well, if you must know, I'm still somewhat of a virgin. [thinks, then quickly adds] But I'm not ashamed of it! [begins to tell her story] I wasn't sought after much in high school or college. [rises and moves off some distance] I was made fun of most of my life for having such large glasses. [looks down at her rims] The only boyfriend I ever had was this attractive popular boy named Steven Garrett. I liked him very much, but I... found out that he was dating me because he lost a bet on the Superbowl. The loser had to go out with me for three days. Mr. Mackey: Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. Ms. Choksondik: People can be very cruel. Anyway, I know it's hard to understand. Mr. Mackey: Ah actually I understand perfectly. I... I wasn't exactly the captain of the football team, either, huh huh, hehehuh, [softly] anyhow [normal] And then as I got older my... my head just sorta seemed to get bigger while the rest of my body stayed the same. That's how I got my nickname in college. [places the book on the side table] Ms. Choksondik: Your nickname? Mr. Mackey: "That guy with the really big head." Ms. Choksondik: ...Right. Mr. Mackey: Anyway, I... I sort of lost any confidence and fourd it possible to ever ask a woman out, mm, hm mm. Ms. Choksondik: Wow, I've... never met a man who is... as sexually unappealing as me. Mr. Mackey: Neither have I. Ms. Choksondik: [pause] Well, I'm quite happy without sex. I mehean, with all the diseases and problems out there, who needs it, right? Mr. Mackey: Uh not me! [they both giggle.] Huhuh, okay. Ms. Choksondik: Well, back to the lesson plan, then. Mr. Mackey: Right. [gets the book again] Ms. Choksondik: Okay. [they both open their books] "Oral Sex" [Bus stop, day. The boys are gathered there waiting...] Stan: Doesn't it give any other directions? Butters: Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to roll it over your weiner. [takes a condom out and gives the bag ti Kyle] "If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studzes" Kyle: Uh, what are "studzes" Butters: How the heck should I know? [removes the wrapper from the condom] Why, it's just a little doughnut. [squeezes it a little] Hoh- it's all gooey. Cartman: Just put it on, Butters. Butters: Ha-a how come I gotta go first? Cartman: Butters, will you stop ff-fili-bustering? Butters: Ma-a-a-a-a-a alright, man. [turns his back to the camera and drops his pants, then slips the condom on] O-o-o-o-h, it's sticky. Kyle: It says you gotta check it for holes or tears. Butters: I don't even understand how this thing... ooh, wait. Oh, I see. [Cartman leans in for a better look] Stan: Don't look at Butters' schlong, gaymo! Cartman: I wasn't looking as his schlong, I was seeing how to put the condom on! Kyle: Sure. Butters: But it won't stay on. I I need a rubber band or somethin'. Tweek: Ah I got rubber bands. [pulls a few out and walks over to Butters. Butters takes one] Butters: [tubber band snaps in place] Ow! Huhuh, ow! Okay, eh. [snap] Ow! There. Okay, I think it's on. Stan: How do you feel? Butters: ...Pretty good. Cartman: Do you feel protected? Butters: Yeah, there ain't nothin' that's gettin' in my weiner through this thing? A-and it's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can... pee in it. Stan: Alright, here, everybody. [begins to move from his end to the other, visiting each of the boys] Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Hey, somebody's gotta help Timmy put his condom on. Timmy: Timmehah! [South Park Elementary, day. Principal Victoria has called the teachers together in her office. Chef is there as well.] Principal Victoria: Teachers, I have some bad news. Last night I received a phone call from the local pharmacist. Apparently, almost all of our fourth graders are sexually active. And now that we've scared them a little they're buying condoms to use. Ms. Choksondik: I knew it! Well, at least we scared them enough to protect themselves. But now maybe you'll believe me when I say that we need to be teaching even younger than fourth grade. Principal Victoria: But how old do you think a student should be when they learn about proper condom use? Ms. Choksondik: ...Kindergarten. Chef: Kindergarten?! Ms. Choksondik: We've got to get to the students before they start having... sex. Nu-not after. Chef: Aw, now this is getting ridiculous! Mr. Adler: I have to agree with Ms. Choksondik. It's our responsibility to make sure our kids are safe if they're gonna screw around. Principal Victoria: I guess we have no choice. [Kindergarten, next day.] Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, who can tell me what a condom is? [puts a box of Gladiator condoms on the table. The kindergartners look at him, and finally a girl raises her hand] Yes, Jenny? Jenny: It flies around and it's endangered. Mr. Garrison: That's a con-dor, Jenny. Con-dor. [holds up the box] Con-doms are what we use to stop the spread of STDs. [Filmore raises his hand] Yes, Filmore? Filmore: Can we do fingerpaint? Mr. Garrison: NO, we can't do fingerpaint! You kids wanna get herpes?! Huh?! How about a nice bucket of AIDS?! Sound good?! Now pay attention, alright? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. [puts a phallus on the table] First of all you remove the condom from its package. [demonstrates] Then you find which way the condom rolls out. [demonstrates] Put it in your mouth... [puts it in his mouth] And apply. [proceeds to do so. The kids watch on astonished, and one of the boys finally cries. Mr. Garrison finishes and raises his head] And it's as simple as that. Any questions? [Ms. Choksondik's classroom, same time.] Ms. Choksondik: Alright girls. Yesterday we went over the myriad of diseases you can get from boys, but today we're going to talk about the most horrible they can give you of all. [writes on the board] PREGNANCY! [turns around] That's right, since you girls have decided to be sexually active, teen pregnancy is at an all-time high! You seem to think it's gonna be fun and neat to have a baby-well, let's watch a little video, shall we?! [goes towards the door and wheels back a TV cart with VCR, and turns on the TV.] Narrator: ["The Miracle of Child Birth"] Snacky S'mores presents: The Miracle of Child Birth. [sh*t of the girls watching] The time is drawing close for delivery. Here we can see the water breaking. Girls: Eeeeww. [as the narrator speaks, the girls get more and more shocked] Narrator: Later, the contractions are happening closer together. Mom sure is in a lot of pain. Now we can see the crown of the baby's head, stretching the vaginal walls in ways never before thought possible by Mom. Finally, the miracle happens, and the baby is born. [Screen sh*t of baby being handled by the doctor is shown] but Mom's not done yet. Girl: Eeww. Narrator: She still got some afterbirth to push out of her. [sh*t of afterbirth being pushed out] Girls: AAAAAAAA!!!! [they get out of their seats and rush out of the room] Narrator: That's right. Ms. Choksondik: [follows the girl to the door] Girls! Girls! Where are you going?! [gets no answer, but she sees Mr. Mackey in front of her, in the hallway ending at her door, about to enter another door. She looks down and notices his butt, and just stands there...] [Mr. Mackey's class, later. Some of the boys, including Stan and Kyle, have their hands over their crotches.] Stan: Man, this condom's driving me crazy. Kyle: Yeah. I've changed mine three times already 'cuase it itches so much. Cartman: Yeah, but it makes going to the bathroom easier. [takes a condom just filled with urine and tosses it at the trashcan. It hits the side and splatters the urine next to the can.] Mr. Mackey: [enters with briefcase and books] Alright, boys, I now have all the information I need to teach you the female anatomy, hm'kay. [tosses the briefcase and books onto his desk and moves towards the light switch, grinning. He turns off th elights and starts the projector] M'kay, this part here is the vaginal opening. [a picture of the female reproductive system. He points to the opening. Cartman works on a new condom] This is where the man puts his- Eric, what the hell are you doing? Cartman: I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up. Mr. Mackey: Why are you wearing a condom? Cartman: So I don't get AIDS. Mr. Mackey: Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around, you have to get it from sex. Stan: From sex?? Mr. Mackey: Yes. Kyle: You mean, intercourse with a girl? Mr. Mackey: Yes! Now will you all pay attention, please?! The vagina and the clitoris are on the outside, and they are in fact very easily visible to the naked eye. Stan: All this time... It's the girls that give us diseases! Cartman: I knew it! Girls lie! They lie right to your face! Mr. Mackey: Now here we can see the interior female anatomy. Things like the uterus and the ovaries are on the inside Kyle: Well that does it! If us boys are going to live, we have to get rid of the girls! Stan: Yeah, come on guys, this is w*r! [leaves his seat and heads for the door. The other boys follow] Boys: [among their statements] Yeah! That's right! Come on! [The last of the boys leaves, and Mr. Mackey notices. He begins to daydream. The generic female drawing turns into one of Ms. Choksondik, and he grins. He goes to the screen again, and moves his hand over the image] Mr. Mackey: And here we see the tender, magical uterus. Here we see the enticing, voluptuous Fallopian tubes, m'kay. [Mr. Garrison's room, later] Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, now I wanna review the different sexual positions. Who can tell me which sexual positions we talked about? Filmore: [raises his hand] Miss'nary position? Mr. Garrison: [turns around and writes the position] Missionary position, good. A little boring, but tried and true. What else? Girl: Doggie? Mr. Garrison: [turns around and writes the position] That's right. Doggie style we went over, mhm. Boy: Pile driver? Mr. Garrison: [turns around and writes the position] Uh huh, pile driver position. Good, Quaid. Sally: The Filthy Sanchez? Mr. Garrison: [turns around and writes the position] Yes, good Flora, you remembered the Filthy Sanchez. Boy 2: Hot Karl? Mr. Garrison: [turns around and writes the position] Yes,you can give your partner the ol' Hot Karl, sure. [A barren field near the school, day. An army of boys comes in from a distance in makeshift military vehicles. Butters is wearing a hockey mask. Clyde comes up and stops them.] Clyde: There, you see? The girls have built some kind of stronghold to keep us out. [the stronghold has a moat and reads: "Boys Keep Out"] Wendy: [at the helm of a g*n turret] Stay away from us, bastards! We don't wanna get pregnant! Bebe: Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever! Stan: Ha! They're your diseases! Kyle: Yeah! You get out of town! Cartman: Here, talk to them, Butters. Butters: [lifts up his mask] Uh, me?? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say? Cartman: Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to v*olence. Butters: [lowers his mask and speaks into the mike. A deep raspy voice comes out] Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away. Kyle: [to Stan] Man, he's pretty good. Bebe: We'll never walk away. Never! [tosses a boomerang towards the boys. Clyde ducks as the bommerang comes towards him, and Kenny is struck d*ad] Kenny: (Waa-ooo!) [falls back and expires] Cartman: Oh, bitch! Stan: That does it! att*ck! [the boys rush the stronghold] [Ms. Choksondik's house, at that moment. They have books open] Mr. Mackey: M'kay, so apparently the lesson plan tomorrow is s'posed to involve the secretion of bodily fluids, m'kay. Ms. Choksondik I've already gone through that with the girls. [closes her book and sets it down] It's pretty simple. Do you wanna drink? Mr. Mackey: Why, sure. [she goes to get drinks] Hey uh I think I can... get through that stuff pretty quick, mm... [he gets a good look at her derriere] Uh, maybe we should come up with another lesson plan. Ms. Choksondik [hands Mr. Mackey his drink] Something about how nerve endings play an important part in intercourse. [sits down] Mr. Mackey: Uh, right, right, uh, like in the ...nipples. Ms. Choksondik Or the... shaft... of the penis? [they look away from each other] Mr. Mackey: It... says here that the uh, head of the penis is actually the... most sensitive... part, m'kay. Ms. Choksondik Why, yes. The nerve endings are the most concentrated at- the- tip of the penis. Like they are in the... [looks at him. They draw close to each other] clitoris of the woman. Mr. Mackey: And these... are the two areas most important to- Ms. Choksondik Sexual stimulation. [they kiss quick, then kiss full and long. Some love music comes up. She pulls back] Oh, is this wrong? Mr. Mackey: I don't know. It doesn't feel wrong. [they kiss full again] I've been thinking about you a lot, Ms. Choksondik. Ms. Choksondik Yeah? What do you do when you think about me? Mr. Mackey: I go crazy. Ms. Choksondik Do you touch yourself? Mr. Mackey: Yeah. Hmm. [they embrace. She takes off his tie. He stands, walks some distance, and takes off his shirt. She stands, takes off her top, and tosses it away. She approaches him and removes his belt. He takes off his pants. She looks at him again and goes down to remove his briefs. She tosses them aside. He bends down to remove her underwear and tosses them aside. She coaxes him down, and he follows] Ms. Choksondik [writhing] Haawww. Haawww. Mr. Mackey: G'oh, m'kay. Ms. Choksondik Oh my God. Oh God, yeah! Stop! Stop! Mr. Mackey: Huh, what's wrong? Ms. Choksondik It's your turn. [goes down to work on him] Mr. Mackey: Mm, oh, oh Ms. Choksondik. Okay! Okay! Ms. Choksondik [gets up] Do you want me? Mr. Mackey: I do. Ms. Choksondik Tell me. Mr. Mackey: I want you. M'kay. [they go down, then moments later quickly get up] Ms. Choksondik Wait wait wait! Do you have a condom? Mr. Mackey: Well. No. Ms. Choksondik [looks into his eyes and then] Oh well, f*ck it [they go down, and the consummation begins] Oh God, give it to me! [his ass rises for the first time] Mr. Mackey: Oh yeah. Woh. [his ass appears again] Ms. Choksondik Woh. [his ass appears again] Ooh, that's it baby! That's it! Mr. Mackey: [his ass appears again] Aw, this feels so good, m'kay. [his ass appears again] [The empty field. later. The battle is joined. Kids run around seeking positions from which to sh**t. Seven boys come up to the stronghold gate. A girl fires a Gatling g*n at them from the left side, and they scatter, dropping their w*apon] Boys: WAAAAHHH!! [two boys prepare a Molotov cocktail, and one of them tosses it at the tires on the right side of the gate entrance. The tires go up in flames. The boys run away, and a huge flash expl*si*n rises inside the stronghold] Girls: Waaaahh!! [they bail out immediately, and a much larger expl*si*n rises, tossing kids away left and right] [The Marsh house. Randy and Sharon are reading papers when the house moves about as if an earthquake had just rolled by. Sharon drops her paper] Sharon: What the hell was that? [Ms. Choksondik's house. Mr. Mackey and Ms. Choksondik rise from their activity and look out the window] Ms. Choksondik: Did you feel something? [Chef's house. The front door opens and he walks out. He's shocked at what he sees.] Chef: Oh, no! [South Park Elementary. The four remaining staff members, Principal Victoria, Mr Garrison, Mr. Adler, and Ms. Chosie, walk out and see the wreckage. Principal Victoria puts her hand over her mouth in dumbfounded shock] Mr. Garrison: Jesus Christ. [a sh*t of the burning wreckage, then of Butters, Cartman, Stan, and Kyle looking at the wreckage] Cartman: Ew, Butters? You're in big trouble now. [The empty field. later. All the parents have come by to make sure their kids are okay. The wreckage still burns] Sharon: Well,I don't know what got into you kids. You should be ashamed of yourselves. [in the background paramedics pick up injured kids and put them in ambulances] Stan: We just didn't want the girls giving us diseases. Ms. Choksondik: I'm afraid this is all my fault. I... think I went a little overboard scaring the girls. I forgot to tell them that to get diseases from boys you... have to thave sex with them first. Kids: Oooohhh. Chef: Well, I hate to say it, but you all got what you deserved. Parents: Huh? Chef: Look: Schools are teaching condom use to younger and younger students each say! But sex isn't something that should be taught in textbooks and diagrams. Sex is emotional and spiritual. It needs to be taught by family. I know it can be hard, parents, but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know who they're learning it from. It could be from someone who doesn't know, [a sh*t of Mr. Mackey] someone who has a bad opinion of it, [a sh*t of Ms. Choksondik looking around] or even a complete pervert. [a sh*t of Mr. Garrison] Mr. Garrison: Wha? Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell is that s'posed to mean? Ms. Choksondik: He's right. I never knew how special and personal sex was un... until just recently Sharon: This whole mess started because we couldn't talk to our boy ourselves. Sheila: It's easier to just leave it up to the school, but it's...just not a school subject. Principal Victoria: Then it's decided: no more condom classes in grade school. Kids: Hooray! Stan: But Chef, when is the right age for us to start having sex? Chef: It's very simple, children. The right time to start having sex is... [close up] 17. Kyle: Seventeen? [Sheila and Gerald approach] Chef: Seventeen. Sheila: So you mean 17 as long as you're in love? Chef: Nope, just 17. Gerald: But, what if you're not ready at 17? Chef: Seventeen! You're ready. [Stan walks up to Wendy] Stan: Well, I guess we got a while to wait before we have to worry about sex and diseases, huh, Wendy? Wendy: Yeah. Thank God. Cartman: Well, I guess now that that's out of the way, we can get on with our lives. Come here, boy! [a dog enters the scene, and the camera begins to zoom out] That's it. Red rocket, red rocket. Come on, now. Come on, red rocket, dog. Red rocket now. [End of Proper Condom Use, but Mr. Garrison has a few more things to say] Mr. Garrison: Okay children, so what other sexual positions have we talked about? Yeah, the wrap-around butt grab. Sure, can't forget that. Uh huh, reverse cowgirl. Good, Kevin. Hot Lunch, sure, she likes that. Donkey Punch, uh huh. Glass-bottom boat. Good one, yes. Fish-eye. Good, Jenny. Chili dog. Mm-hm.

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "05x07 - Proper Condom Use"}

foreverdreaming

[Stan's house, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are in the living room playing video games.] Kyle: HA! I k*lled you! Stan: HA, I blew your head off! Kenny: (Aw, Goddamnit!) Stan: Jesus, is Cartman still in the bathroom? Kyle: Hey Cartman! We're almost to level 20! You giving birth in there, or what? Cartman: Let a man take a crap! Stan: Dude, he's in there punishing my toilet. Kyle: Hyeah, that poor, poor thing Stan: Come on, Cartman! You're missing the game! Cartman: [from behind the bathroom door] I'm almost done, you smartasses! I'm just wipin' mah- whoa, what the hell is that? [finishes wiping his butt and zips himself up. He comes out of the bathroom with something in his hands] You guys, look what I found in the trashcan in Stan's bathroom. It's like a bloody cotton thing wrapped in toilet paper. Kyle: Well, why did you pull it out of the trash? Cartman: Because I thought it was a jelly doughnut, but look, check it out, it's all bloody. Sharon: [walks in with a basket of laundry] Are you guys still playing that video game? Stan: Yeah. Hay Mom, Cartman found a bloody cotton thing in the bathroom. Cartman: [holds it up] Look. [Sharon gasps and drops the laundry. Cartman unravels it] But I don't think it's for usin', I think it's just for lookin' through. [looks through it] Sharon: Eric, put that down! Cartman: Why? Sharon: Just go put it back in the trashcan! Cartman: [inspects it] Hey, it's like all bloody. It might be alive. Sharon: No that... that came from me; just put it away. Cartman: This came out of you?? You just left it in the trashcan?! [hick accent] You shouldn'ta done that. He's just a boih. Poor little feller. Stan: [looks up at his mom] What is it, Mom? Kyle: Yeah, what it is, Mrs. Marsh? Sharon: Boys, that a... feminine thing. Alright, it's a personal, woman thing. [game play stops and the boys look at her] I tell you what: If you'll just drop the whole thing right now, I'll buy you that new video game console you've been wanting. Stan: The 2001 Okama GameSphere? Sharon: Sure. Kyle: Cool! Cartman: Wow, this is like finding trashcan gold, you guiys! [Luau's Toys, day, later. A banner reading "WE HAVE GAMESPHERE" hangs over the window, and the console itself is in the window display.] Stan: There it is. The Okama GameSphere. [the game console is shown, along with two controllers and several boxes containing the console] Kyle: Dude, it's got a hundred twenty eight gigahertz DRAM Stan: What's that? Kyle: I don't know, but it kicks ass. [they watch as Sharon buys the console from Mr. Harris and he wraps it up and delivers it to her] Wow, dude, you're the luckiest kid in South Park. Cartman: Hey, this is all of ours. I'm the one who found Stan's aborted brother in the trashcan and blackmailed his mom into getting the GameSphere. [the boys turn away from the window] Stan: Alright, alright, but you guys gotta see if you can sleep over for the rest of the weekend. [checks his watch.] It's Saturday at 2:30 - that means we have... 39 hours to play GameSphere until school on Monday! Kenny: (Woohoo!) Kyle: Awesome! [suddenly remembers] Oh, crap. Stan: What? Kyle: I'm supposed to go to the lake with my family tomorrow and swim and play in the stupid sun. Stan: Dude, we got GameSphere. Kyle: I know, I know. Well, look: I'll stay over anyway so I can play for... eighteen hours, and then I'll go to the lake. [a strange character walks up next to them] Towelie: Don't forget to bring a towel. [it's a walking, talking towel] Stan: What? Towelie: When you get out of the water you need to dry off right away to avoid catchin' a cold. That's why Towelie says, "Don't forget to bring a towel." Stan: ...O-kay. Kyle: Thanks, Towelie. Towelie [after a few moments of silence] Do you wanna get high? Stan: No. [Towelie looks for a few moments, then walks away] Kyle: Anyway, that will give me plenty of time playing video games. Cartman: Kyle, I think you underestimate Okama GameSphere. Sharon: Here you go, boys. [Stan takes the shopping box and the boys take off] Boys: AAAAAA. [Stan's house, later. In the living room, Kyle finishes connecting the GameSphere to the back of the TV] Kyle: Okay, turn it on. TV: "Okama GameSphere" Boys: Whoa! TV: [the game title comes up] Thirst For BLOOD Cartman: Oh yeah, Thirst for Blood. Bring it. Kyle: Oh, this is so cool. Cartman: Bring it, bring it! [on the TV two monsters fight each other. The one on the right att*cks the other with a chainsaw. "Oh!"] [Stan's house, night. The boys have been playing for hours. Around them are empty boxes of Cheesy Poofs and cans of Zoop soda. On the sofa is a bag of chips. Stan's parents walk up to the boys.] Sharon: Goodnight, boys. Don't stay up too late. Stan: G'night Mom, thanks for GameSphere. Cartman: [slowly slides into a hick accent] Yeah, but you still shouldn'ta done that. 'E's just a boih. Randy: What? Sharon: Nothing. Come on, Randy. [whisks him off to bed. From the TV: "Twenty kills."] [Stan's house, Sunday morning, dawn. The boys have stayed up all night playing video games. Kyle is on the phone with his parents.] Kyle: Yeahyeah, Mom. I-I can't go to the lake. No, S-stan's having emotional problems and I need to help see him through it. He's got- [to Cartman] wha-what is it? Cartman: Date-r*pe psychosis. Kyle: Date-r*pe something. Yeah. Okay. I will. Okay, thanks, Mon. [hangs up] I don't have to go outside! Cartman: Awesome! Kyle: She said it's fine, but that I still have to go to baseball practice tonight.. Stan: Oh, yeah, we got baseball practice today. God damnit! Cartman: We shouldn't have this many responsibilities! We're children! Stan: Well, it's alright. We can still play for [looks at his watch] six more hours, and then we'll go play baseball. Towelie: [walks in from nowhere] Don't forget to bring a towel. Kyle: Uh no. Towelie: When you're playin' sports, the sweat can get in your face. That's why Towelie says, "Always keep an extra towel in your duffle bag." Stan: Okay, we will. Towelie: [rasies its arms in vistory] Alright! [lowers them, then after some moments] Do you wanna get high? Kyle: No we don't wanna get high! Towelie: Okay... You sure? Cartman: Yes! Go away, you stupid towel! [Towelie goes away] Stan: Oh, dude! Did you see that? I cut off your face and ate it! Cartman: That's... so... cool! [Stan's house, later... The boys have repositioned themselves and look half-asleep from all the game play. Doughnuts and ice cream appear - a cone is on the rug with its ice cream melting. Sharon walks up to them again.] Sharon: Okay, boys, that's it. You have to go now. Stan: No no, it's okay, Mom. We c-we can't go to baseball practice 'cause Kyle has cancer. Sharon: No, Stanley, it's Monday morning. You have to go to school. Cartman: It's Monday? Stan: Oh, uh, I'm sick. Kyle: Me too. Sharon: No, you're not sick. Now get to school. [disconnects the console from the TV] All of you. Stan: But Mom... Sharno: Go! Boys: Aagh! [Bus stop, moments later. The boys are now waiting for the bus.] Stan: Can't believe we have to go to school! Kyle: Yeah, real life is so boring and stupid. Stan: We just have to try and make the day go as fast as possible so we can get back to GameSphere. [a green car pulls up in front of them. Two soldiers are in it] Commander: Hello, boys, how are you? Stan: Fine. Commander: Say, boys, this may sound a little ...odd, but... have you see a ...talking ...towel around anywhere. Kyle: What? You mean Towelie? [the two soldier look alarmed. The passenger quickly gets on the radio] Commander: Echo, this is Garrett. I've got a code 5 at... [checks his map] Park County, Colorado! Repeat! Code 5, Park County Colorado! [the men look at the boys] Cartman: What, dude? [the driver steps on the gas and the car peels away. The passenger soldier looks out the window and back at the boys.] Stan: This is gonna be one looong-ass day. [Ms. Crabtree pulls up and the boys get on the bus.] [Stan's house, Mondy afternoon. The boys arrive there from the bus stop] Stan: That was the longest day of school ever! Kyle: Come on, hurry. I bet we can get to level 29! [the boys burst in and head for the television] [Stan's house, living room. The boys stand in from of the television] Kyle: Where is it? Stan: It... it was right here. Kyle: Where the hell is it?? Cartman: Come on, man, this isn't funny! [Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman look around and behind the TV] I need my fix! [the phone rings, and Stan goes to answer it.] Stan: Hello? Voice: If you ever wanna see your Okama GameSphere again, you will bring us the towel. [the boys gather to wait for Stan] Stan: What? Who-who is this? Voice: Just get the towel and meet us at the gas station outside of town. Or else! [in the background: "Okama GameSphere!"] Stan: Don't hurt it! [Click. Stan then hangs up] Kyle: What? [Stan turns around] Stan: They've taken it. They've taken our Okama GameSphere. Cartman: [in dsibelief, backs up.] No! ...No! Kyle: Uh-uh-uh what do you mean "they've taken it"? Oh, this isn't happening! This isn't happening!! [South Park, sunset. The boys walk down Main Street.] Stan: Towelie! Cartman: Hey, towel! Kyle: Where the hell is he? Kenny: (I don't know. Where could it be?) Stan: I don't know. They guy on the phone thought we had Towelie, so now we gotta find him. Kyle: What has this world come to? Where people can just... take your Okama GameSphere. Cartman: Hey maybe we'd better do a towel call. [the others stop, and he calls out in one direction] Gebaayybeh! [then in another] Gebaayybeh! Kyle: That's a towel call? Stan: This is hopeless. We're never gonna find him. Kyle: Hey, wait a minute. Towelie always showed up to give us towel advice when we'd said something about water. Stan: Hey yeah. [goes into the street and clears his throat] Well guys, let's go to the swimming pool! [looks around. So do the others] Aaah. Let's go take a shower! [all look around] Let's go waterskiing! Towelie: [walks up] Don't forget to bring a towel. Kyle: There he is! Towelie: Be sure to bring a towel so you don't get aaall wet. [Stan walks over angrily and takes Towelie's left hand, and pulls him along]. Stan: Come on, dude! [the others follow] Towelie: Where are we goin'? Kyle: Just come on! It's getting dark. Towelie: Are we gonna get high? [Outskirts of South Park, night. A full moon shines down on the boys as they reach the gas station] Kyle: Are you sure this is where they said to be? Stan: They said the gas station outside of town. Towelie: Well, I'm gonna get a little high. [A high-powered light comes on] Man: Hold it! [ten men stand in the light. Some of them wear red berets] Stan: Who is that? [squints his eyes and blocks the light. Towelie does the same] Man: Step... away... from the towel! [the boys do so, and an official steps forth] Official: There you are, towel. We've been looking all over for you. Towelie: If you ever go to a hotel, be sure to bring your own towel. Official: It isn't safe for you out here, towel. There are people out here to mean to harm you. Stan: 'Scuse me, can we have our Okama GameSphere back? We just wanna play video games. Official: Your what? Kyle: Agh! Look, dude, we're on level 24, about to cross into the Caverns of Madness! Official: I don't know what you're talking about. Stan: You called us and said if we brought the towel you'd give us our video game back. Official: Omigod! [shrieks] IT"S A TRAP!! [g*n strikes him and kills him. Behind the boys soldiers pop up in the hills and continue f*ring] Man 2: Cover! Cover! [the officials and their personal security force f*re back, and the flooklight is knocked out] Stan: Goddamnit, what now?! Official: Run, towel! [a grenade lands between two guards and blows up, shredding them to bits. The boys just look on] Stan: [disinterested] Agh. Come on, they've gotta have our video game around here somwhere. [leads the others away] Soldier 1: Where's the towel?! Soldier 2: It can't be far! [two more soldiers come up, and others move along behind them] Alvarez, you and Mitchell sweep left! Guard: [coughs up blood. The boys arrive] Hurry! You must get the towel back to Tynacorp! Stan: [grabs the guard by the lapels and throttles him] Where is our Okama GameSphere? Guard: Get the towel home [cough] They will explain everything. Please, hurry! [coughs up blood once more, and dies] Kyle: Aw, God-damnit! Stan: Do you know where he's talking about, Towelie? Towelie: What? Oh yeah, back at the base. It's a long ways away. Stan: Alright, we're gonna have to use this truck. Come on, guys. [they go for the truck. From a distance in a woods nearby, a commander looks at the troop movements] Commander: Well? Soldier: They've gone, sir. It's like they've vanished out of thin air. Commander: Damnit! I knew those boys were protecting that towel. [gets pensive] They must have some unexplainable bond with it. Soldier 2: Perhaps they're telepathically linked to the towel, sir, like E.T. [the commander looks at him annoyed, and he leaves] Commander: It could already be anywhere, hiding out again. No, the time for being nice is over. We must instigate... Plan B. Soldier 3: You mean...? Commander: Yes. [camera zooms in] Destroy all towels within a thousand mile radius. [fade to black] [A desert, later that night. The truck rolls along... Stan steers, Kyle, Towelie, and Cartman ride along. Kenny mans the pedals] Kyle: Are we getting close? Towelie: I think so. Stan: A little more gas, Kenny. [Kenny presses down on the gas pedal] Kyle: How long has it been since you've been back there. Towelie: I've been wanderin' around on my own for the past few weeks. You know, helpin' people out with towel safety and proper towel use. It's important. Cartman: No it isn't. Towelie: Is! Cartman: No it isn't. Towelie: Is! Wait, turn down here. It's down this dirt road. Stan: Brake, Kenny, brake. [Kenny brakes, and Stan sters the truck to the right to go down the dirt road. Towelie moves to the window] Cartman: Egh! Towelie: M-maybe it's down that dirt road. Stan: [sighs] Dude, don't you remember where it is? Towelie: I can't remember, it all looks the same. Hold on, let me get high. [pulls out a joint...] then I'll remember where it is. [lights the joint and puffs deeply. The boys watch him as his eyes get bloodshot.] Stan: Alright, so where is it? Towelie: Where's what? Boys: Agh! Kyle: The base where you're from and where our Okama GameSphere is! [Towelie simply snorts] Stan: Alright, that does it! Brake angrily, Kenny! [Kenny brakes angrily and the truck jerks to a stop] Now listen, Towelie, we've just about had it with you! Towelie: Well calm down. Kyle: That's it! [takes the joint] You're not getting high again until we have our Okama GameSphere back! Towelie: That's my last joint, assh*le! Kyle: I don't care! You'd better remember where your base is! Towelie: Oh man, why is everyone riding me today? God-damnit. [A purple house, night. Inside, in the restroom, a woman washes her hands and face, then pulls a towel out of its rack to dry herself] Woman: Kevin? Don't forget to wrap the potato salad in aluminum foil. [some strange sounds are heard outside the door] Kevin, is that you? Soldier: Harris! Reach bang and clear! Woman: Hello? [the bathroom door flies open and five soldiers pour in, f*ring away] WAAH! [she falls to the ground quick] Ohmigod! Oh no! Ohmigod! [she covers her head] Soldier: Alright, it's clear! It's clear! [the soldiers leave the restroom. The woman gets up and checks herself for b*llet wounds and finds none. She turns to see the wall behind her. The towels on their rack are sh*t through with holes. She blinks, confused] [a backyard. Mrs. Tweek pulls down some clothes she's had drying on clotheslines. As she nears the towels, three soldiers rush in and start f*ring away at them] Soldiers: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! [Mrs. Tweek leans out of the way, watching her towels get sh*t up.] Soldier: Let's go let'sg o! [The soldiers finish their job and walk away. Mrs. Tweek straightens up] [A men's gym shower, night. Mr. Garrison is in the shower with two other men. He finishes and wraps a white towel with blue stripes around his waist, then walks towards his locker] Soldier: Get it! Mr. Garrison: What the? [two soldiers rush over and make him face the lockers. One of them pulls off his towel] Soldier: Throw it down! [the soldier throws it down] Mr. Garrison: Oh alright, have your way with me if you must! Go on, fulfill you sick pleasures! [the soldier s*ab at the towel twice, then directs another soldier to f*re away at it. The other soldier sh**t at it while the other two watch] Soldier: Alright, let's go! [the soldiers leave] Mr. Garrison: Huh where are you goin'? [The truck the boys are driving pulls up in front of a gleaming glass building with "TYNACORP" above the entrance, and the boys pour out with Towelie] Cartman: This is where you came from? Towelie: Yeah, I think so. [gets woozy] Oh man. Stan: What? Towelie: I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's goin' on. [the group goes around the fountain and goes inside] [Tynacorp, inside. The boys walk down a long passageway] Research Leader: Welcome home, Smart Towel RG-400. Stan: Ah hi, is this where our Okama GameSphere is? Kyle: We're missing out on some quality video game time right now. Research Leader: Thank you for bringing him to us, boys. You see, this is not an ordinary towel. He is the RG-400 Smart Towel, designed with a computer chip inside the terry cloth Stan: We don't care. Research Leader: You see, here at Tynacorp, our goal was to make the perfect towel. A towel that would sense how wet or dry the user's skin was and fluff itself accordingly. Stan: Dude, we don't care. Research Leader: Towelie was our greatest success. Smart enough to b*at the average human at chess and absorbent enough to soak up even the toughest spills. But then one day, Towelie got high and just sort of wandered off. Stan: We... don't... care. Kyle: All we wanna know is, who has our Okama GameSphere? Research Leader: Ah yes, your video game. I'm afraid that what we all experienced was a trap. They called you and said to bring the towel, and then they called us and said they were bringing Towelie back. Their plan was to wipe us all out with one fell swoop. Kyle: Who's they? Research Leader: Why, the military. You see, after Towelie got high and wandered off from here, the military got a hold of him. They wanted to turn Towelie into a w*apon of mass destruction. Stan: [dismissive] Don't care, don't care, don't care. Research Leader: Towelie was at their base for months as they tried to copy his TNA. But then, one day, Towelie got high and just sort of wandered off. Again. Cartman: Goddamnit! Can we please... just get back to playing our video game, PLEASE?! Research Leader: I'm afraid not. Because your Okama GameSphere is at "their" base. Stan: Can you tell us where "that" is, please? Research Leader: You mean to go right into their base? [thinks] Of course. The entry code should still be in Towelie's memory banks. You could sneak him in there and recover his TNA. Great plan. [Secret Government Base, night. Inside, various military officials man a command center. Two soldiers walk up to the commander and salute him] Soldier: Sir! Sargeant Masters and Boll are reporting, sir! Commander: Ah yes. [salutes back, and all three men lower their arms] Tell me, Marine, did you accomplish your primary goal? Sgt Masters: Sir yes sir! All towels have been destroyed! The Smart Towel is no doubt eliminated. Commander: Ahh. And you're... quite sure of this. [the two sargeants look at each other] Sgt Boll: Eh yes sir, there isn't a towel left within a hundred miles. Commander: Hmm... [taps his pointer on the strategic map] So perhaps, then, you can explain to me why we just got footage of the towel returning to Tynacorp?! Sgt Masters: Oo we... Sgt Boll: He must have outsmarted us, sir. Commander: Well I'm through playing hide and seek! We've got no other choice! Prepare to blow up all of Colorado! [The night sky. Clouds float by overhead, past the full moon. A helicopter flies into the sky and the camera follows it. Two officials prepare the boys for dives into the military base as the research leader talks] Research Leader: In a moment we will be over the base. This is the only way in. Any attempts on the ground would be easily spotted by guard posts. Kyle: Okay. Research Leader: [rolls up to Towelie] I hate to send you back in there, Towelie, but only you have their security system in your memory banks. Towelie: That's alright. It's always good to bring a towel. Research Leader: Good luck, boys. The fate of the world is depending on you. Stan: We're not doing it for the world, we're doing it for our video game. God, are you deaf? Guard: Alright, boys. When you drop from the plane, cover and roll. Got it? Stan: Yeah. [the boys join Towelie and all go to jump from the helicopter] Guard: Go go go go go go! [one after the other, the four boys and Towelie juimp off, and then the helicopter leaves. Stan is the first to pull his parachute string, and the others follow. Soon they're all next to each other, floating down. Stan sighs] Kyle: Dude, I figured it out. Stan: What? Kyle: If we can go in, and get the GameSphere in 30 minutes, we could still be back at your house playing video games by midnight! Stan: So that'd be, like what, eight hours we could play before school? Kyle: Seven and a half. Stan: [getting impatient] Hurry up, stupid parachute! [Secret Government Base, night. The boys land silently and start walking] Cartman Alright, I think we go over there. [the Secret Government Base entrance is shown with Towelie and the boys approaching the gate] Towelie: [at the security entry pad] Let's see. [types in some numbers] No. [touches his lips with his right index finger, trying to figure out what to type next] Stan: Come on, Towelie! The guy said you have the security system in your memory banks. Towelie: Hey it's been a long time! Cartman: You just have no long-term memory 'cause you get high all the time! Towelie: [faces Cartman] Don't preach to me, fatso! Cartman: I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid! Towelie: You're stupid! Cartman: Yeah, and you're a towel! Towelie: You're a towel! [Cartman has nothing more to say, and Towelie hops off the box towards the boys] Just let me get high. I know I can remember if I get high. Stan: Oh, God damnit! Alright, fine! [gives Towelie the joint] Here's your stupid lighter. [tosses Towelie the lighter, and Towelie lights up. The bloodshot eyes return.] Towelie: Hold on. [hops on the box and types into the entry pad again.] Wait a second [presses a few buttons] That's it! Kyle: That's it? Towelie: Yeah. That's the melody to "Funky Town." [starts playing the melody on the keypad] Won't ya take me down... to Funky Town. Stan: No, Towelie, the entry code! Towelie: [turns around] For what? Stan: God-damnit, I guess we're gonna have to climb the stupid fence. [Secret Government Base, night, inside. The boys climb over the fence and sneak past a soldier without arousing suspicion. They end up at the genetic research building] Kyle: Well let's look in here. [opens the door and leads the others in. Before them are cylinders of liquids, each with a floating deformed clone of Towelie in it. They come across a Towelie clone drying under a heat lamp] Towelie Clone: k*ll... me... k*ll... me. Towelie: Oh my God! No-o-o-o! Commander: [enters with four soldiers, who quickly get set to f*re] Well well well. Look what the cat dragged in. Towelie: [turns around with the boys] What are these things? Commander: Genetic copies we tried to make with your TNA. They didn't work too well, I'm afraid. Towelie Clone: k*ll... me. Stan: Do you have our Okama GameSphere? Commander: You did very well to get the towel this far, boys. I wonder: What did they tell you at Tynacorp? That the big, bad government wanted to genetically engineer a Towelie as a w*apon? Now let me tell you the real story. Stan: Oh God, don't care, don't care. Commander: [pacing proudly, solemnly] Yes, we've been trying to make our own genetic copies of the towel, but only because we had to. You see, when we started spying on Tynacorp, we discovered a certain, terrifying secret. [the boys show no interest.] Soldier: Go on! Ask him what terrifying secret. Kyle: What terrifying secret? Commander: That Tynacorp was making these towels to take over the world! Cartman: We're never gonna play our Okama GameSphere again, are we? Commander: Don't you see what genetically enhanced smart towels like these are capable of? You get out of the shower and dry yourself off. But even after you're dry, the towel makes you more dry. It keeps getting you drier and drier. [his voice begins to deepen] Can you imagine it? What it would feel like to be way, way too dry? I'll tell you something: You don't want to know. And I don't know. Kyle: And we don't care. Commander: You've been double-crossed by Tynacorp, kids. They set this all up to get you in here and take us down. Stan: So let me get this straight: Our Okama GameSphere is back at Tynacorp. Commander: Oh yes. It has been all along. Soldier: Can I k*ll the towel now, sir? Kyle: Go ahead. [the boys move away quickly] Commander: No, wait. [stays the w*apon] Perhaps now, we can use their own towel against them. These boys must return to Tynacorp, and we will launch a sneak att*ck on Tynacorp as well. [zoom in on a tiny camera close to Towelie's lower border. Officials back at Tynacorp's command center are looking at the live feed] You boys can take the towel to Tynacorp's central core, and upload this encryption disk into their system, bringing them down once and for all. Stan: But we don't care! [Tynacorp command center. The officials gather around the research leader] Official 1: What the hell is this?! The towel was supposed to go in there and then run its own self-destruct sequence! Research Leader: The towel has a will of its own. It's... learning compassion. Official 2: We don't have the manpower to hold off the entire military AND stop those wonderboys from getting to the core! Research Leader: Then we have no choice. We'll have to test the new prototype a little... earlier. [presses a button. A door with "GS-401" on it slowly spins around. A towel rack appears and a mean-looking buff towel hangs from it] GS-401 [deep voice] Don't forget to bring a towel! [Tynacorp, outside. Shadows appear in the brush across the way. The commander is there with his troops, the boys, and Towelie] Commander: Alright, boys, take the towel back in there and say your mission was accomplished. [hands a disk to Stan] Then upload this encryption disk into their computers. Stan: We're just going in to get our video game back. Commander: If anything goes wrong, use this newly-developed photon r*fle. [hands it to Kyle] Kyle: Photon r*fle, whatever. [the boys enter Tynacorp with Towelie.] [Tynacorp command center. The boys walk through the center slowly] Stan: Hello? Hello, anybody here? [GS-401 hops down from the rafters] GS-401: Welcome to the party, boys! [flexes and rushes Towelie] HAAARRRHHHH!! [the two towels wrestle a bit] Towelie Oooh. Ooohh! Oh boy. GS-401: HAAARRRHHHH!! [Kyle fires the photon r*fle and knocks the beefier towel away with the beam. The research team and security force pour into the room angrily] Research Leader: So, you thought you could outsmart us, did you kids? Commander: [he and his troops pour in another door] Aaaaarrrr. Move move move move move move! [the two forces face each other, with the boys and Towelie in the middle] Don't make a move, you bastards! Research Leader: Bring the towel here, boys. They can't sh**t children. Commander: Don't listen to them. They lied to you before. Research Leader: Oh yes, boys. Obey your government! Well perhaps it's time these boys knew what was really gong on! Stan: Ohmigod, look! [in front of a monitor connected to a long table is the Okama GameSphere the boys had been wanting to get back. The boys rush to it] Kyle: Our GamdSphere! [the boys each get a controller and activate the GameSphere: "Okama GameSphere"] Stan: Aw, sweet, it still saved our plays. [behind him, Towelie exits screen left as the two forces face each other. The boys quickly get lost in the game play] Research Leader: [turns to look at the boys] You see boys, I'm afraid you were double-crossed. If they were the military, why wouldn't they just att*ck us to begin with? Because they're not the military! Commander: Alright, maybe we lied to you, but it was to protect your own skin! We are a resistance group pretending to be the military to bring Tynacorp down! Cartman: Whoa, check it out, guys, the parachute level. Kyle: Sweet! Commander: [now facing the research leader] But perhaps we should show these kids who Tynacorp really is made up of. Go on! Tell them why you've been making towels! Zytar! [pulls at the research leader's head and the face comes off. Under it a green fish-alien head appears] Stan: Oh, there's gold. Get the gold, Kenny! Zytar: Our planet was dying! We had no choice but to find a new one! Manufacturing Smart Towels was our way to spy on humans to see how they lived. Commander: [looks at the boys] And now you know the horrible truth, boys. Zytar: Truth or no, your alien-m*rder group is over! [fires a g*n at the commander. Both sides begin to f*re at each other and there are casualties on both sides. Zytar and two guards slowly back away and out of view] Cartman: Could you turn it up? Commander: Boys, try to reach the core override! We've got no choice but to try to take them all out! [the boys continue playing their game, so the commander comes up and reaches for something, then goes away. Towelie sits on the floor with a huge bong, getting high. The commander reappears across the room moving towards a red button] I think I can get it from here, boys! Zytar: [returns] What are you doing? You'll k*ll us all! Commander: Sorry, Zytar. Didn't yoru mom ever tell you? Don't mess with earthlings. [presses the button and a huge expl*si*n blows the boys out of the room.] Boys: Oooww! [Then it blows out the roof and some sides of the main building, and the boys find themselves hanging from Towelie, above a boiling t*nk of acid] Cartman: Hup hup. Come on, hang on. [Stan and Kyle moan] Stan, Kyle: Whoa. Kenny: (Help help! Heeelllppp!) [loses his grip on Kyle] Cartman: Kenny! Kenny: (Nooo!) [falls into the acid t*nk, disintegrating and sinking. Kyle looks on, but next to him is the GameSphere] Kyle: [sees it] Oh my God! Our GameSphere! You've gotta move me closer! [above him, Stan watches large pieces of metal fall to the ground] Stan: Hurry up, Kyle! This place is coming apart! [Kyle swings ever closer to the GameSphere] GS-401: [walks in on an adjacent catwalk and sees Towelie with the boys hanging] What are you doing? Towelie: Get away from me, you evil towel! GS-401: Towelie, listen to me. Let them go. Drop them. Towelie: No way! They're my friends! GS-401: They aren't your friends! Humans have ruined the planet, k*lled off their own environment! Their time is over. It is the towels' turn now. Kyle: [swings closer] I've almost got it! GS-401: You're going to let them go, Towelie! Because... I know your weakness. [holds out a joint. Towelie looks at it longingly] Here. Yoiu can reach it. Come on, Towelie! How long has it been since you've had a nice burn, huh?! Twenty, thirty seconds?! Stan: [feels Towelie slip] Aw, crap! GS-401: You're going to have to choose between their lives, and, getting high. Towelie: You assh*le. Cartman: Towelie, don't let go of us, you God-damned towel! Kyle's almost there! GS-401: Come, Towelie! Make your decision! Towelie: I-I-I choose... I-I-I choose... both! [Stan is shocked at the answer. Towelie stretches enough to take a puff while holding on to the boys, then slips enough for Kyle to succeed] Kyle: I got it! [grabs the GameSphere. Towelie pulls himself and the boys up to the catwalk in front of a door. An expl*si*n behind GS-401 sends it into the air] GS-401: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [floats down into the acid and disintegrates] Stan: Come on, guys. Let's go play video games! Kyle, Towelie: Alright! Cartman: Hooray! [Stan's house, night. The boys are gathered before the TV playing their Okama GameSphere with a new player: Towelie.] Stan: Oh, dude, we finished level 50! Kyle: Awesome! Towelie: Oh, man, I have no idea what's goin' on. Kyle: Check it out: Now we're going into the secret underground base. Stan: Alright, guys, focus. Looks like this is gonna be an underwater level. Towelie: [heavily slurred] Don't forget to bring a towel. [the boys laugh] Cartman: You are the worst character ever, Towelie. Towelie: I know. [End of Towelie]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "05x08 - Towelie"}

foreverdreaming

[Bus stop, day. The four boys stand at the bus stop waiting for the bus. Each of them wears a gas mask. The boys are silent.] Kyle:: ...Remember when life used to be simple and cool? Cartman: ...Not really. Butters: [runs up.] Uh, hey! [The boys jump, startled] How's it goin', fellas? Stan:: Butters, what the hell are you doing? Butters: Huh, well, I'm just standin' around bein' a kid. Why? How come you're all wearing those spooky spaceman masks? Kyle: These are gas masks, Butters! Stan: Yeah! If you don't have a gas mask, you're gonna get smallpox or anthr*x! Butters: What?! [frightened] Oh, Jesus! I don't wanna get the 'thrax, fellas! Uh, what do I do? Stan: There's nothing you can do except stop breathing. Butters: Stop breathin'? Kyle: Yeah, you can't get it if you don't breathe. Butters: Well. Alright, then. [takes in a big gulp of air and holds his breath hard. His head goes cock-eyed. A few seconds later, the bus pulls up. The kids on the bus and Ms. Crabtree wear gas masks as well. Officer Barbrady, wearing a gas mask, gets out of the bus to inspect the boys' backpacks. The boys, including Butters, line up before him, and he inspects Stan's backpack. He pokes at it in a few places and then gives it back to Stan. Butters begins turning blue] Officer Barbrady: Well okay. Next? [Stan boards the bus and Kyle steps up, giving his backpack to Barbrady. He inspects the backpack quickly and returns it to Kyle] Next? [Kyle boards the bus and Kenny steps up, giving his backpack to Barbrady. He inspects the backpack and pulls out some magazines...] Let's see: Hotties, Juicy, Whoppers... [returns the magazines and backpack to Kenny, who quickly boards the bus. Cartman walks up.] Okay, next? [Cartman hands him the backpack and Barbrady quickly pulls out some scissors in it] A-ha! What the hell are you doin' with this?! Cartman: Those are my Hootie Owlie Round-Tip Scissors. Officer Barbrady: These are a w*apon! [holds the scissors aloft, away from Cartman] Cartman: Awww, come onnn! How am I gonna k*ll people with those? Officer Barbrady: I'll think of a way. Now move along! Cartman: God-damnit! [boards the bus without his scissors] Officer Barbrady: Alright, next! [No one steps up. Butters is quite blue now and just stands there. Then he just faints forward] Okay, clear. [the bus starts up, Barbrady boards it, and away it goes.] [South Park Elenentary, morning. Along with the regular flag on the flagpole, a larger flag is draped over the front of the school, covering some second-story windows and the center of the school sign. Inside, the kids filter into class and drop off their gas masks along the wall. The door has been fitted with an industrial lock. Butters enters and locks the door] Tweek: [drops off his mask] Oh, Jesus, man! They're gonna get me! [sits down] Oh Christ! [under his breath] they might - couild get me. Ms. Choksondik: Alright class, as some of you may have heard, the President has asked that American children all send one dollar to the children of Afghanistan. [holds up a sheet of paper with writing on it] So I have a list of addresses and we're goin' to all chip in. Cartman: HA! I'm not giving a dollar to those towelheads! Ms. Choksondik: Eric, the Afghan people need our help! Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry, but I though we were at w*r with these assholes! Wendy: We're at w*r with t*rrorists, fatass, not with Afghanistan, and the only reason that you care is that you don't wanna give up the dollar! Cartman: That dollar buys me a chocolate milk for lunch! What, do you want me to just get a regular milk for ten cents? [cue soft music. Cartman stands on his seat] Now look, it isn't our fault that t*rrorists hate us. We're just kids. We're not the ones b*mb them now, we're- we're jsut kids. [now standing on his desk] There's a lot of crazy stuff goin' on in the world, but, we're caught in the middle. It's not our fault. Wendy: The Afghan kids are caught in the middle, too! Cartman: Yes, but they're sand monkeys! Ms. Choksondik: Alright, children, we are all sending a dollar to the kids in Afghanistan! That's it! End of discussion! Cartman: [drops into his seat angrily] God-damnit, I hate regular milk!!! [Afghanistan, day. Adults mill around as fighter planes fly by and b*mb a few buildings. Two boys enter from the left and face the camera. They begin to talk in a strange language. Two other boys appear, and it's apparent these boys are the counterparts to the boys in South Park. The one who looks overdressed has a goat. After what sounds like introductions, they move off to play some basketball at a nearby makeshift ball court. The boy who was the first to speak gives the ball to his friend, the second to speak. The friend sh**t the basket, but a b*mb falls on the backboard, launching the ball away from the court and destroying the backboard and pole] Afghan Boys:: Awww! [the Kyle counterpart says something about seeing a film, then the four move off to their right. They pay for their tickets and head for the doors. A b*mb falls on the theater and blows it up] Awww! [the Stan and Kyle counterparts talk to each other a bit, then head for a two-story building. They stop at the front door and a fighter plane drops a b*mb on the building. Only the door remains] Awww! [The Stan and Kenny counterparts talk. A horse-drawn small SUV pulls up, a man comes out and drops off four letters, one for each boy, and gets back into the driver's seat. The SUV pulls away and the boys look at their letters. The Kyle counterpart gets this one: As dramatic music plays, he opens the letter up, looks inside, flips it over, and lets a dollar float down from it. The other three boys do the same. Akmarh looks at the bill, then up at the death and destruction surrounding the boys, and it's apparent that $4 won't do much to repair any of it. Akmarh looks at the bill again and wonders what to do with it.] [The Marsh house, day. The garage has a large flag draping the door. Inside, on the living room couch. Sharon is lying there covered with blankets and watching TV. On the floor around the sofa are bowls, candles, food, and other items. Sharon hasn't been off that couch in a while.] Reporter: [on TV] Another high-alert status for t*rrorists activity this weekend. [SNN - America Fights Back. A news ticker crawls by. Major headlines appear to the left, stock quotes on top, weather forecasts under the crawl] The government said "bad things are likely to happen." [the door bell rings] Meanwhile, the world continues to back down from their support of the United States [dingle] saying that they were really only kidding to begin with. Stan: [approaching] Hey Mom, door bell's ringin'. Sharon: Can huh get th'ere 'or me? [Stan goes to open the door.] Randy: [approaching through the kitchen, stops at the kitchen door] Hey, Sharon? Maybe you should stop watchin' the news for a little bit? [Sharon mutters something] Shu- Sharon, you've been watching CNN for about ah... eight weeks now. Don't you wanna watch somethin' else? [the door closes] Shu-shu-sharon? [Stan comes back into view, pulling a box a bit bigger than he is into the living room] Stan: Hey, look at what the postman brought me! It's a big brown package from Afghanistan! Sharon: Weh, that's nahice. Stan: We sent the Afghani kids some dollars - they must have sent us something cool in return! [looks back at Randy] Do you have some scissors to get this open? Randy: Stanely, your mother's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go play with your big brown package from Afghanistan outside? Stan:: Well alright. [pushes the package back towards the front door. Randy returns to the kitchen... Sharon bolts from the sofa as Randy rushes back into the living room] Randy, Sharon: Big brown package from Afghanistan??!! [The Marsh house, night. Paramedics, f*re trucks, the SWAT team, and the FBI are all there. Two klieg lights shine on the package as two Hazmat men approach the package. A crowd of residents looks on. Stan, Cartman and Kenny watch from the front.] Kyle: [approaching] Dude, what's going on? Stan: We got a package from the kids we sent dollars to. They sent us something back. Hazmat man: [in white] Prelims show negative, sir. Official: Then we're gonna have to blow it! Two SWAT men: [in gray] Yes sir!! [they leave and rig the box so it opens without much damage] Tweek: AAHH! This is it, man! It's over! Richard: Tweek, calm down. Have some coffee. [Tweek looks up at Richard. The two SWAT members finish and return to the crowd. Everyone kneels behind the barriers and then cover their heads.] Official: Open! [one of the SWAT officers presses the remote control and the box pops open. Inside is a goat] Goat: Mma-a-a-a-a-a-a. [people begin to look up at the goat] Stan: Oh, it's just a goat. [all rise] People: Oohhh. Blond Man: Look, it's a goat. Man 1: Awww. Brunet Man: A precious goat. Goat: Ba-a-a-a-a. [Stan approaches it as soft music plays] Stan: [now next to the goat] Hey there, little guy. Official: [steps forward] Stay away from it! t*rrorists could have given that goat anthr*x or smallpox before sending it over! Johnson!! [another official steps forward and salutes] Check the goat for diseases! Johnson: Yes sir! [walks over to the goat and begins licking its face. Stan backs away. After a few licks Johnson rises and announces] The goat seems to be clean, sir! Stan: I told you: those Afghan kids just wanted to give us something back for giving them four dollars. Cartman: Heh, four dollars for a goat? We got ripped off. Official: Alrioght, men, this area is secure. Let's head out! [the various services disperse and drive away in their vehicles. ] Kyle: Well what are we supposed to do with it? Goat: Ba-a-a-a-a. Stan:: Yu- you're gonna have to take it home with you, Kyle. Kyle: Dude, my mom won't even let me have a hamster. Stan: Kenny? Kenny: (No f*ck' way, dude!) Stan: My parents will never let me keep a goat Cartman: Well, I guess we're gonna have to k*ll it. Stan: No, we're not gointa k*ll it, Cartman! We'll just have to [removes the return address from the box] take the return address and mail it back to the kids in Afghanistan. Come on, goat. [takes the goat's reins and leads it away. The other boys follow] Goat: Ba-a-a-a-a. [Downtown South Park, night. All building windows have flags draped behind them, and some of the walls have flags on them as well. The post office hs two flags on wall-mounted poles. The last postal worker closes up for the night as the boys approach] Kyle: Uh oh, they're closing! Stan: Excuse me, we wanna overnight this goat to Afghanistan, please? Postman: Excuse me? Cartman: It's an Afghanistan goat, so it can't stay here, or else it'll choke on the sweet air of freedom. Kyle: Yeah. Postman: Afghanistan? [cautions] H-I'm sorry boys, but our planes aren't flying there. Stan: They're not. Goat: Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a. Postman: The only planes goin' to Afghanistan are the military planes over at the base. I'm sorry. [walks away] Stan: Well yeah! The military planes. Come on, goat, we'll put you on one of them. [leads the goat away. The others stand there for a second, then catch up to them] Kyle: [calls out] Stan, I don't think we're supposed to be in the military base. They might sh**t us. Stan: I don't care! We're going! Towelie: [dropping in] Don't forget to bring a towel. The Boys: Aaagh! Cartman: Oh no, not Towelie. Towelie: When goin' someplace new, you should always bring a towel. Stan: Okay, thanks, Towelie. [rolls his eyes] Towelie: Do you wanna get high? Cartman: [quickly] No, we don't wanna get high!! Towelie: You mean, you don't want Towelie around? Cartman: That's right! Towelie: So am I to understand that there's been a ...Towelie ban?... [snorts and starts laughing] The Boys: [not amused. Kyle covers his eyes] Awww! Stan: Goddamnit, get the hell out of here, Towelie! Towelie: Alright, see ya. [walks off] [The military base, night. Jeeps roll in as a batallion is assembled in the parking lot. A large cargo plane receives the vehicles and other cargo] General: Alright, troops, we depart for Afghanistan in five minutes! Let's move out! Stan: [now in the base with the others] Alright, come on. We just gotta get the goat on one of these planes. Soldier 1: [off-screen] Isn't this exciting, Tony? [the boys hide behind some boxes nearby] We're finally gonna see some action. Tony: [the soldiers, in desert fatigues, appear] Yeah, and uh, I hear that as soon as we land we get a USO show. Soldier 1: We do! [draws close] Stevie Nicks is goin' to perform. Tony: Hoh, Stevie Nicks. Huh, I love her! [they move on] Stan: [peeks out] Okay, it's clear. Come on! [moves out with the goat and the other boys. A shadow falls across them] Soldier: [off screen] Hey you! Tony: [aims his r*fle at the boys] What the hell do you think you're doing here?! Goat: ...Ba-a-a-a-a. Tony: [chastened, quickly retracts the r*fle] H-uh, I'm sorry, Miss Nicks, uh. [looks around] Hey guys, this is Stevie Nicks. [a black soldier walks up] Soldier 2: Oh wow! Goat: ...Ma-a-a-a-a. Soldier 3: Uh, can I get a picture Soldier 4: Miss Nicks. Over here, Miss Nicks! [takes a picture] Goat: ...Ma-a-a-a-a. Tony: Oh... M- Miss Nicks, I... I don't wanna bother you, but... could you sing a quick Fleetwood Mac for us. Could ya? Other Soldiers: Oh yeah. Please. Come on, come on. Please. Yeah. Goat: ...Ma-a-a-a-a. Ma-a-a-a-a. Soldiers: Oh! No way! That was wild! That was great! Soldier 3: Wait till I tell my sister about this; she is gonna flip! Stan: Well, uh, we've gotta get Miss Nicks on the plane to Afghanistan, guys. Tony: Oh, can we just get a- Stan: [turns right and walks off] Ah, sorry. Mss Nicks isn't answering any more questions. Tony: Oh, sure, we understand. Move along. [the soldiers watch the goat walk away with the boys] Soldier 3: ...She looks great Tony: She looks great [Cargo plane, later. The boys walk up to the plane with the goat and prepare to put in in the cargo hold. A side door is open, with a ramp leading up to the hold] Stan: 'K, let's put him on here. [walks up the ramp, pushing the goat along] Goat: [inside the hold] Ma-a-a-a-a. Stan: [enters and soothes the goat] Shhh. There we go. You're gonna be okay, goat. You'll be back in Afghanistan in about 20 hours. Cartman: [he and the other two peek in] Stan, if you're finished having your tearful goodbye with the goat, we'd like to go now, please? Pilot: Alright, tango clear. [lifts the ramp up and swings it into the cargo hold...] The Boys: Waaah! Pilot: Let's head out. [...then closes the door and walks to the cockpit. The boys drop into the hold] Cartman: [turns around and wrestles with the door] Aw, son of a bitch! Kyle: [gets up, turns, and pounds at the door] Hey, wait! There are children in here! Kenny: [rises and moves a bit] (Oh, shit, we're locked in.) Goat: [inside the hold] Ma-a-a-a-a. Stan: Dude, looks like we're going tooh... Afghanistan. Kyle: [steps toward Stan] Going to Afghanistan? Locked in a small space for 20 hours? How could things get any worse? [poot. Cartman blinks tightly and smiles] Boys: Awww! [Kyle covers his nose, Kenny draws his hoodstring tight] Kenny: (Ee-hew-hoo!) Cartman: [giggles] Uh ho, you guys. [Afghanistan, next day. A cargo plane has landed and the camera pans from the plane to the runway behind it. Another cargo plane lands and rolls to a stop. The large cargo door drops down and the soldiers file out marching] General: Welcome to Afghanistan, troops! Get your gear ready and report to the barracks at o-nine hundred! Soldiers: Sir yes sir! [they march away. The pilot comes, opens up the small side door, and pulls down the ramp. The boys move out and go down the ramp with their jackets over their noses] Kyle: Oh God, it was horrible! Stan: Twenty hours! Kenny: (God-damn, it stinks like shit!) Goat: Ma-a-a-a-a! [leaps out and runs off] Pilot: What the hell? Kyle: Cartman farted in there! We had to breath it in for 20 hours! Cartman: It didn't smell that bad; you guys are overreacting. Pilot: [leans in and sniffs] I don't smiell any- boh! Oh God! [begins choking] Hohhgh! [looks away] Blagh! [convulses] Bleeaagghh [throws up twice and passes out] Cartman: Uh, whatever! Kyle: You sonofabitch, Cartman! [begins to walk away, passing Cartman] You don't fart when you're locked in a small space with other people! [Stan passes by] Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry! Next time I'll just ask my fart nicely if it wouldn't mind staying tucked away for a while! Stan: [finds the goat next to Kenny] Alright alright, let's just get the goat back to his home! [pulls out the return address] We have to find this address. [leads the goat off. The other boys follow] Goat: Ma-a-a-a-a. [A large city in Afghanistan, day. Could be Kabul. Plenty of large building and roads abound, but they all look rundown or b*at down - this is a city in decay. The boys walk through the city] Cartman: God, what a craphole, dude! This is like East Denver! Jesus Chru-heist! Kyle: Dude, no wonder t*rrorists come from places like this! If I grew up here, I'd be pissed off, too! Stan: Hey look! There's a taxi! [horse-drawn, with small back tires. The boys head for it, passing a street performer.] Performer: [raises his hands] Haa-aa-aa. [the boys into the taxi's back seat] Stan: [to the driver] Hello. We need to go... [hands the driver the address] here. [the driver says a few things and whips the horse into action. The taxi moves off] Cartman: What is this? The freakin' Flintstones? [The home of the Afghan boys. The taxi pulls up and drops the South Park boys off, then goes away. The boys approach the door] Kyle: Is this the right house? Stan: I think so. [steps up and knocks on the door] Akmarh: [approaches and opens the door] h*m* chizimi frushi? Stan: A-ah, hi. We're from America. [Akmarh simply looks back] Uh, we sent you the dollar? Uh, the four dollars? Yu, you sent us this goat? Akmarh: Goat? [the other Afghan boys show up behind Akmarh] Goat: Ma-a-a-a-a. Stan: Here. Wu-we don't want it. Akmarh: Oh, you want something alse? All we had was the goat. Your country b*mb everything else. Stan: No, dude, we're n- we're not ungrateful. It's just... none of us can keep the goat Cartman: It was choking on the sweet air of freedom in America, so we brought it back to your crappy country. [the Afghan boys are insulted] Stan: Oh uh, and here. [pulls out a small flag] Take this American flag as... a gift. [hands it to Akmarh and backs up. Akmarh considers the gift for a few moments, then throws it on the ground and steps back. The fat kid moves up and pours some fuel on it, then the poor kid strikes a match and throws it on the fuel, setting the flag on f*re.] Afghan Boys: Yaaay. [they jump up and down] Kyle: Hey! What the hell are you doing?! Stan: Yeah, they told us in school that everyone but t*rrorists love America. Fat Boy: Huh! [says a few more things] Cartman: What did you call us?! Akmarh: Your country is the evil empire! Your government wants to rule the world! But your values and your spirituality are in the guh-ter! Kyle: Then why did you send us the goat? Boy in Blue Vest: Because, in Afghanistan, we have pride. If you send us something, we must send something in return. Akmarh: It doesn't mean we don't still hate you. Now, get out of here! [the Afghan boys back up and Akmarh shuts the door] Stan: Hey! Hey, open the door! Cartman: I told you! Jawas have no heart. Kyle: Jawas? Cartman: You know, sand people. Stan: How come they hate America so much? What the hell did we do? Goat: Ma-a-a-a-a. Kyle: Well, we tried, dude. If anyone else in this craphole hates Americans, we'd better just leave the goat and get back to the plane! Stan: Alright. [leads the others away. The goat follows. Stan hears the hoofbeats and stops] Oh look, he's following us. It's so sad. Cartman: [softly] God, I hate you so much, Stan! Stan: What? [voices rise in the distance: it's a group of Afghan protesters. The boys look on. The protesters march by the boys and stop, curious about the boys standing there. Stan greets them] Howdy. [the protesters remain motionless] Kyle: Um... [looks around, then slowly] Greetings from Canada. [now with Canadian accent] Well boys, it's aboot time we get to our hoose in Canada, isn't it? Cartman: Ey, what the hell are you talking about?! [Stan and Kyle look at Cartman angrily] I'm not a god-damned Canadian, and neither are you! Stan: [buries his face in his hand in disgust and shakes it] Cartman, you stupid assh*le! [the crowd roars with anger and ties the four boys and the goat up. Two of the protesters talk about what to do next. One of them ends with] Protester: ...Osama bin Laden! [the others crack up and lead the c*ptive away] Kyle: Good job, fatass! Cartman: Dude, don't call me a Canadian! [the protesters lead the c*ptive up a mountain road. A bird in a tree warbles an Arabic song. When the lead protester reaches the tree he sh**t the bird, and the bird falls down and away, d*ad. The trek resumes] [A cave in Afghanistan, day. "Not where Osama bin Laden is." Guards stand outside keeping watch. Inside, six guards interrogate the boys] Stan: You've gotta listen to me! We're not spies! [one of the guards says something] Cartman: Look, I think I can explain everything. You see, my friend Stan here is an oversensitive animal lover. He's got a boner for this goat, a- Voice: Amaar madmallah [the guards look up, then line up at either side of the cave entrance. A lanky figure walks in] Osama bin Laden: [swaying as he walks in] Oooo, alamalamalamalaah. Kyle: Oh crap, it's him! Goat: Ma-a-a-a-a. Osama bin Laden: [pacing before the boys] Amalama hamahamahama? [draws close to Cartman] Una HAqa mala Cartman: [leaning away] Ogh! Dude, it's called deodorant, okay? It's not expensive. Osama bin Laden: Haqaama hamahalahamahaqa. [the guards move off and return with studio equipment - two spot lights and television camera. The cameraman announces that they're ready to tape. Osama sways over to his spot. The cameraman gives a signal and several makeup artists rush in for some quick touch-ups, then leave. The cameraman gets behind the camera and gives the signal to start talking] U bataqataqaa maladala. Ameriqa la tabakabaka haka haqadaqadaqa [laughs] Haqahaqa, daaqadaqa! Cameraman: Aaaaand... cut! [Osama grins and the guards clap. Osama takes a small bow and tosses the mic away, then walks off] Stan: Dude, these people are insane. [The Marsh house, night. Sharon has resumed watching SNN on the sofa] SNN reporter: ...as more and more case of t*rror1st-related AIDS continues to grow. And this just in: the Taliban has apparently taken American civilians as hostages. The Taliban has just released this videotape [the boys and the goat in their chairs, flanked by two Taliban guards], in which it is clearly visible that they have indeed captured [closeup of the goar, with Kenny to the left] Steivie Nicks. Miss Nicks appears to be in good spirits, though her whereabouts are unknown. Randy: [pops in from the kitchen] Hey, Sh- Sharon? Ha- have you seen Stan in the last couple... days? Sharon: [raises her head a bit] Yes. I just saw him. Randy: Oh okay. [slowly moves back into the kitchen] [Afghanistan, day. The general and his troops are watching the same report] SNN Reporter: With Stevie Nicks in captivity, the other members of Fleetwood Mac have been hidden so the Taliban can't get to them as well. [the soldiers are crestfallen] Tony: They... took Stevie Nicks? Soldier 2: Bastards! Heartless, gutless bastards! General: Alright men! Grab your g*n and your Bibles! We are going to get Miss Nicks back! Soldiers: [cheering] Hooray!!! [some of them have their arms raised] [The Afghan boys' home, at that moment] SNN Reporter:: The Taliban's video also shows what appears to be four American children in captivity, though they could just be French. Akmarh: [rising] We have to help them. Fat Boy: Do you say?? Akmarh: They are not espies. They came to give us our goat back. Boy in Blue Vest: Screw them! They are evil Americans! Akmarh: I know! But if we don't help the innocent ones, then we are no better than the Americans are. Fat Boy: Help the Americans? That doesn't make sense. Akmarh: Dude, we are espeaking English right now. Does that make sense?? Boy in Blue Vest:: Alright, let's go. [they pick up their r*fles and exit] Fat Boy: Ehhh lohhh nuts! [Osama's cave, day. Inside, at table, the Taliban guards are celebrating Osama's birthday. The guards and Osama wear party hats] Osama bin Laden: Aw, jihad, jihad. [the boys look at each other for reactions, and the alarms go off] Oh? [walks over to his security screen and sees the Americans converging outside the cave entrance, then runs around unsure what to do] Oh, oh! Ameriqa haqa haqa! Dursha! Dapadapadapa! [the guards respond and give each other orders while moving out. Osama pulls out a walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Hulagugla hugagugahagahaa! [Outside Osama's cave, day. The American and Taliban forces engage each other in combat.] [Inside Osama's cave. Osama is still giving orders] Osama bin Laden: Qubada durqaana Ameriqanab! Qubada durqaana- [a grill next to the boys rises, and the Afghan boys climb out] Stan: Hey, what are you guys doing here? Osama bin Laden: -alabalabaa Boy in Blue Vest: Shh. We've come to save you. Kyle: But I thought you hate us. Boy in Blue Vest: We do. [Osama talks away, and the boys slip out quietly with the goat. Cartman decides not to join them, and walks towards Osama] Kyle: Cartman, where are you going?? Cartman: I'm gonna go take care of this prick! Kyle: Cartman, he's crazy! Cartman: He's not crazy, he's an idiot. I know how to deal with these people. [walks off] Osama bin Laden: .A flippity flappity floop! Jihad jihad! Cartman: Mehah... [bites on some food] What's up, bin Laden? Osama bin Laden: Arrrrrrrrrrrubadubaduba! Durbadurba haq! Cartman: Uh oh, 5:30, time to pray. [quickly rushes for a prayer rug and rolls it out, then kneels and bows deeply a few times.] Allah, Allah, m'heh Osama bin Laden: Taba haqa?? [goes for his prayer rug and does as Cartman does] Allah allah allah, allah hakadurrpa durpa adurpa hagalah [Cartman brings out a huge mallet and smashes it on Osama's head. Osama's head rings like a bell, then he looks at Cartman and aims his r*fle at him] Cartman: Uh oh! Mmm-mm! [kisses Osama and tumbles away] [Outside Osama's cave, day. The American and Taliban forces are still fighting. The seven kids and the goat emerge from the cave] Akmarh: We will have to be quick! The Americans are attacking! Kyle: Where do we go? [they look around] Akmarh: Get down! [all boys h*t the floor and hide their faces. A b*mb blows up in front of them. When the smoke clears, Kenny and the poor Afghan boy are both d*ad, both riddled with b*ll*ts] Boy in Blue Vest: Oh Allah, Qosaiqe bono! Akmarh: Tol dayoos! [Stan and Kyle look at each other. Akmarh gets his r*fle and fires away at American helicopters] You... m*rder Americaaans!! Stan: Hey, shut up, kid. America didn't start this w*r. Akmarh: America DID eh-start this w*r! They eh-started it YEARS ago, when they put their military bases on Muslim holy lands! [A forest near the cave, at that moment. Osama bin Laden slinks around looking for Cartman. He stops next to a small bush. As bin Laden looks around the bush skittles away, then stops. Bin Laden sees the bush has moved and growls at it, aims his r*fle, and walks up to it - four steps. The bush moves again, then stops. Bin Laden catches up in three steps. The bush moves again, then bin Laden tales a step forward. The bush moves again, then bin Laden tales another step forward. The bush leaps and bin Laden holds it in mid-air as Cartman drops to the ground. We get a view of the g*n on Cartman's face from Cartman's perspective] Osama bin Laden: [tossing the bush away] Ramadan! Cartman: Hey look! An infidel! [bin Laden quickly turns around] Osama bin Laden: Wuut? Peitoqaba! [Cartman gets up and pulls bin Laden's pants down. Osama looks stunned. A magnifying glass pops up over bin Laden's genitals, then another, then another... nine in all, and the penis is finally visible. A sign pops up... "Tiny, ain't it?" A few seconds later the sign and magnifiers go down and Osama pulls his pants up] Cartman: So that's what this is all about? Osama bin Laden: Ishta fatwa open sesame! Cartman: [climbs up bin Laden and kisses him] Mmmm! Tastes like chicken. The ass of a chicken! Osama bin Laden: Proila foqabam! Cartman: Woohoo! [zips away, leaving a dust cloud front of bin Laden. Bin Laden gives chase, leaving his own dust cloud.] [Outside Osama's cave, day. The fighting continues. Amid the fighting, the general crosses the b*ttlefield.] General: We're coming, Miss Nicks! Hang on! Goat: Ma-a-a-a! Ma-a-a-a! [Outside Osama's cave, day. The South Park boys line up opposite the Afghan boys. Stan faces Akmarh, Kyle faces the boy in blue vest.] Kyle: All right, I've had just about enough of this! They told us in school, and on TV, that most people in Pakistan and Afghanistan like America. Boy in Blue Vest: And you believe it? It is not just the Taliban that hates America. Over a third of the world hates America! Stan: But why? Why does a third of the world hate us? Boy in Blue Vest: Because, you don't realize that a third of the world hates you!!! Stan:: [considers the argument...] ...That doesn't make sense. You guys are just buttholes! Akmarh: You're butt-holes! Stan, Kyle: You're buttholes! [Outside Osama's cave, day. Osama and Cartman are now out in the open desert. Osama resumes slinking around] Female voice: Youhoo. [it's Cartman seated on a camel, dressed in a purple chador. Bin laden takes one look and he goes nuts over what he sees. His eyes bug out as he goes horizontal ] Cartman: Haduqaduqaduqa. [Osama's tongue has rolled out to the floor. He tugs it and it rolls up like a classroom projection screen] Huqadukadukadukaduuu. [Osama whistles and then lustily howls like a wolf as he stomps his foot down on the ground. Cartman hops off the camel, walks some distance, and bats his eyes at bin Laden. Osama takes big steps towrads Cartman, and the camera alternates between the two. Bin Laden stops short of Cartman... and leaps over him, landing on the camel's neck. Bin Laden starts kissing the camel all over, and Cartman removes his veil, looks at bin Laden, then looks at the camera] Osama bin Laden: [on bended knee] Oh bella, bella falafel. [brings out a bouquet of flowers] Mi amore. Fatwa, fatwa. [Cartman holds up a sign with a screw and a baseball on it, then puts it away. Bin Laden hops away, then returns with a table, two chairs, two glasses and some wine, and sets up a table for two. He sets the camel down on one chair and sits on the other one opposite the camel. He then serves up some glasses of wine] Ahh, de vino! Mi fatwa! J'ai une fatwa! [Cartman holds up four other signs: a jack and donkey, a pile of feces and a bald head, a rooster and lollipop, and Barbra Streisand] [Outside Osama's cave, day. The boys have moved away from the cave entrance, and the fat Afghan boy has rejoined them. Beyond them the two forces continue fighting] Kyle: Do you really think your civilization is better than ours?! You people play games by k*lling animals, and oppress women! Boy in Blue Vest: It's better than a civilization that spends its time watching millionaires walk down the red carpet at the Emmys! Stan: ...He's got us there, dude. [pan out to see more fighting] Tony: [finds the goat and picks it up] I got her. I got Stevie Nicks. [carries it away. The Americans retreat, but continue f*ring away] Goat: Me-e-e-eh. [Nearby... Osama's grinning widely at the camel. Cartman walks up in a different costume - that of the fussy movie director.] Cartman: There you are! Where have you been? We have another anti-American video to create! [hauls bin Laden away.] Osama bin Laden: Oh, dapidiuta ako. [Bin laden manages a wave good-bye at the camel.] Cartman: Hur-ry, get into wardrobe! [bin Laden goes behind the walll and changes clothes. Cartman taps his foot impatiently] Oh hur-ry up, will you hur-ry?! [bin Laden comes out dressed as Uncle Sam] Oh, you look marvelous, dahling. Osama bin Laden: Haqa hamahama. Cartman: Come on! The cameras are ready! [pulls bin Laden to his mark. Behind them, eight Taliban soldiers f*re away at the Americans] Alright, there we go. Let's roll cameras. [walks off and returns with a director's megaphone and a firecracker] Oh, and here's your microphone. [hands Osama the firecracker] Osama bin Laden: [the Taliban soldiers see Uncle Sam and approach him] Ogh. America adirqadirqa- [looks around. The soldiers f*re away at him. Bin Laden staggers, then looks at the object in his hand. Other Taliban soldiers rush in to see, and they all recognize whom they just sh*t.] Uh ohhh. Osama and the Taliban Soldiers: HAAAAAAGH! [the firecracker explodes, k*lling all the soldiers around it. Only Osama is left there at the point of impact, sitting on the ground, with his teeth dangling like piano keys. They play a few notes] General: We've done it! The Taliban is destroyed! Soldiers: Hoorayyy!! Kyle: Wow! I guess Cartman really did take care of them. Osama bin Laden: [flaps his lips with his finger, making some noise] t*rrorists is the craziest peoples. Eheeee! [shows his teeth. An American soldier walks up behind bin Laden and dispatches him with one last sh*t] Soldier: I got him! I got him! Boy in Blue Vest: Well, it looks like the Taliban and bin Laden are finally out of power. Akmarh: Yeup, you don't need us anymore. [they turn and walk away] Stan: Hey, wait a minute. You know, you guys should know one thing. [the Afghan boys turn around] Most people in America are good people. We just try to live day by day, like you guys do. Maybe if you took some time to see all the great things about our country, you'd see... we're not so different after all. Kyle: Yeah. Boy in Blue Vest: That's fine. But we still hate you. [the Afghan boys turn and walk away again] Stan: Oh... Well, I guess, maybe, someday, we can learn to... hate you too. Akmarh: [the Afghan boys look agian] Maybe. In time. [they turn once again and walk off] Kyle: I'm confused. [USO concert. The stage is set amid the pup tents and soldiers clamor around in the audience. "VICTORY!" The general takes the stage] General: Great job, troops! Once again we have k*lled our enemies! Soldier 5: [cheering] Hooray! Soldier 6: Hooray! Yeah, we sure did! General: The world is now safe, thanks to you. And so now, as promised, here is Fleetwood Mac with Stevie Nicks! Soldiers: Whoa. Yeah. [the goat, dressed to look like Stevie Nicks, approaches the mic.] Fleetwood Mac: Just like the wild winged bird sings a song- Stand back, she's singin'. Goat: Maaa Fleetwood Mac: Baby Goat: Maaa Fleetwood Mac: Babe Goat: Maa-ha [the concert continues. The three boys watch the performance.] Stan: Come on, let's go gat to the plane. [turns left and walks away. The others follow. On the way there, Stan sees a flag on the ground and approaches it. He goes down on one knee, picks up the little flag, blows the dust off it, sets it into the ground, takes off his jacket, and wraps it around the base of the flag ] Kyle: [approaching with Cartman] Dude! I almost thought those Afghani kids talked you into not liking America. Stan: No, dude. America may have some problems, but it's our home. Our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium. Kyle: Yeah. Stan: [rises, steps back, and salutes] Go America. Kyle: [salutes] Go America. [lowers his right arm] Go Broncos. [moves off] Stan: [follows] Yeah, go Broncos. Cartman: Yeah. [follows the other two out] [End of Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "05x09 - Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants"}

foreverdreaming

[South Park Elementary School Gym, day. Stan is seated on a stool none too pleased before a backdrop of a meadow. Behind the photographer are the kindergartners and Mr. Adler's class] Photographer: Okay, now lift your chin a little. [no change on Stan's face] Look right here. Right here. [points at the camera lens] Hey, where's my smile? Come on, I bet you got a smile for me. I-I'm startin' to see a smile. There it is. [FLASH!] Okay great next. Stan: [reaches for his hat and puts it on] I didn't smile. [hops off the stool and walks away. A wider view shows Ms. Choksondik's class in line off to the right. The kids move forward. Butters heads for the stool] Kyle: I hate picture day at school! It's always some gay-ass photographer with some gay-ass backdrop of New England! Butters: [in dress shirt and tie, holds out his palms] Ah, hang on a second. My mom said to make sure I look good this time in... the school pictures. [pulls out a comb and some gel, dabs the gel on the comb, and combs his hair back. Four strokes, and he's done.] Photographer: Okay, smile [Butters smiles, a lock of his hair goes up, and he blinks. Then the picture is taken, and Butters opens his eyes.] Okay, next? [Butters hops off; Bebe appoaches and hops on the stool. She's wearing heavy makeup] Stan: [joins Kyle at the end of the line] Did you go yet? Kyle: No. This is taking forever. Cartman: [rushes up, giddily breathless] You guys! You guys! This is sooo funny! Kyle: What, Cartman? Cartman: Dude, check it out: for picture day, Kenny got into hiis parka backwards, so that his ass shows through his hood. Look! [points]. Kenny, Kenny, over here! [Kenny comes in looking as Cartman described, with his hands on the floor and his feet in the air, laughing uncontrollably. After Kenny stands still, Cartman roars with laughter] Kyle: It isn't that funny, Cartman. Cartman: Yes it is! [while this is going on, the other kids get their pictures taken, Toekn being the last one. He hops off the stool and walks away.] Ms. Choksondik: Next in line! Come on, let's keep it moving, kids! [Kyle walks up to the stool] Cartman: ...Don't listen to that Jew, Kenny, it's totally funny. Photographer: [Kyle sits for the camera] Take off your hat, please? Kyle: But I never take off my hat. Photographer: Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of YOU lookin' natural. Kyle: This is how I look natural. Ms. Choksondik: Kyle, we're taking pictures without hats today! Kyle: [angrily] Crap! [takes off his hat to reveal big red bushy hair.] Photographer: Snile! Come on, where's that smile? Is it gonna k*ll you to smile? I see a smile. [Kyle gives a small grin, the picture is taken, and he goes back to being angry and hops off the stool.] Kyle: Gayass! [Cartman hops on and quickly strikes a pose] Photographer: [takes the picture] Very nice. Okay, last one? [hops off laughing as Kenny approaches] Cartman: Uh oh. [laughs] Photographer: Okay, have a seat, young man. [both Cartman and Kenny chuckle as Kenny sets himself down] Well, okay, lookin' great.Now where's that smile? Come on, give me a nice, wide smile. Wider. Perfect! Cartman: Huh, how long 'til we get the pictures back? Photographer: Should be about four days. Cartman: Four days?? Oh man, I can't wait that long! [South Park Elementary, four days later, day. Inside, in Ms. Choksondik's class, Cartman is fidgeting rather loudly in his desk] Cartman: Heh, c'mon! C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon! C'mon c'mon! C'mon c'mon c'mon! Ms. Choksondik: Alright, class, I have your school photos to hand out- Cartman: [bouncing in his seat] YES! YES! Ms. Choksondik: Most of them are very nice. But, apparently, one of you thinks it's fun to spoil their school pictures [Kenny looks around], and thinks he's a comedian. That person will be spending the afternoon in the principal's office! Kenny:: (Aww, that's bullshit!) Ms. Choksondik: School photos aren't for joking around, so you aren't getting your photo back, Butters! [thrusts the photo out for a close-up] Butters: Um-me?? Huh but I didn't do nothin'. Ms. Choksondik: For the rest of you, I think your pictures turned out very nicely. Butters: But, buut, but but what hey! Wait a minute! [the others get their photos and review them] Cartman: [rushes up and takes Kenny's photos] Let me see! [returns to his seat. Stan and Kyle look at Cartman curiously while Kenny looks on angrily] Butters: [catches up to Ms. Choksondik as she sits at her chair] Bu-but Teacher, I didn't mean to look stupid in my picture. Honest! Cartman: [opens Kenny's envelope and looks at the photo, then roars with laughter] Dude, dude! Check it out! This is the sweetest thing I've ever done! Kenny: (You've ever done?!) Cartman: [Laughs] Look at how the crap ...is sittin' right in the middle! [laughs some more] Ms. Choksondik: Eric, calm down. I'm trying to yell at Butters! Cartman: Okay, hokay, I'm sorry Ms. Chokesonrocks! Ms. Choksondik: You know very well my name isn't Chokesonrocks, it's Choksondik! Say it right or you can go to the principal's with Butters! Cartman: I'm sorry Ms. Choksondik. Butters: I tried to make a good picture. Honest. Ms. Choksondik: Your mother is waiting for you in the principal's office. [points towards the door] Butters: My mom? [turns around and walks out] Oh, sweet Jesus! Cartman: Hoh, Oh my God! More people have to see this picture, you guys. I'm gonna put it on the Internet or... No, wait! Kenny. [Kenny looks over] I just had the greatest idea... ever! [Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. A receptionist in blue suit sits at her desk. The doors open and Cartman enters] Receptionist: Welcome to South Park Milk Company. Can I help you? Cartman: Oh, yes, hello. I am helping out a family who has a missing child, and I was wondering if you could print his photo on your milk carton? [stifles a laugh] Receptionist: Oh, of course. Printing those photos on our milk really does help. Do you have the photo with you? Cartman: Yes, I have it right hmya. [shows her Kenny's school photo] Receptionist: [takes the photo] O-okay, great. We'll print it immediately. Cartman: You will? [tries not to laugh, but some escapes] Ah. [stifles another laugh] Oh, ah, thank you for your help. Receptionist: Sure. If I could get a description of the child to pring underneath the photo? [Cartman stops in his tracks and turns around] Cartman: Oh, yehes. Uh-heh. He has ah, blond hair, aha-and, ah, and a brown eye. [sniggers, then laughs] Brown eye! [laughs some more under his breath] Receptionist: Okay, brown eye... Cartman: And, and big rosy cheeks! [laughs some more] Receptionist: ...Full cheeks... Cartman: [cracks up] Full cheeks! [laughs] Winking brown eye, brown eye winking! [cracks up] [Stan's house, day. A TV is heard.] Reporter: Ms. Hamilton was the fourth person to be run over by a motorcycle this week, leaving a city to ponder, who will be next? [Stan and Kyle are on the sofa eating popcorn. The phone rings, and Kyle answers it] Kyle: Hello? Cartman: [between the laughter] You guys! You guys! You guys! [laughs uncontrollably] Kyle: Hello? Cartman: [more laughter] ...You guys!... [more laughter] Kyle: [getting annoyee] Cartman? Cartman: [more laughter] You guys! You guys! You guys! Hurry. [hangs up] Stan: What's he want? Kyle: [pissed off] I don't know. Let's go see. [they walk off] [Cartman's house, minutes later. Cartman can be heard laughing inside as Stan and Kyle approach his door. Kyle rings the doorbell and Cartman answers, still laughing.] Kyle: Why'd you call us? Cartman: Come on. Come on. [whispers] Come on.[leads the way] Oho, this is so sweet! [still laughing as he walks to the sofa and picks up a milk carton] You guys, seriously, this is sooo sweet! Stan: Goddamnit Cartman, what?! [Cartman hands him the carton and erupts in laughter as Stan and Kyle look it over] Kyle: ...You put Kenny's pictuer on a milk carton?? Cartman: Look at, look at the description. Brown eye! [falls to the floor, pounding the carpet with his fists in hysterics] Stan: That isn't funny, Cartman. Cartman: Oh, it's soo completely funny!! Ahaha this is certainly funny!! Kyle: No it's not, Cartman. You know, there really are couples out there who are missing children. Cartman: No there aren't. Jesus, grow up, you guys. [A house in Wisconsin. A woman enters her kitchen with some groceries and sets them on the kitchen counter next to the sink. She pulls them out one by one, but stops when she pulls out the milk carton.] Woman: [gasps] Oh my God. Oh my God! [holds the carton close. Her face looks like a derriere] Steven! Steven, come quick! Steven: [rushes in. His face does also.] What is it, Martha? Martha: Look. It's him! It's... our son. Steven: Our ssson! [Dairy Gold Milk Company, day, a few days later. The Wisconsin couple are at the Dairy Gold Milk Company, talking to the receptionist. Their "s" and sometimes "th" comes out sounding like a raspberry] Martha: ...and so that's when I called out to my husband. I just knew the boy picture on your milk carton was our little Tommy. Receptionist: [stunned] ... yes, I see. [pics up a milk carton carton] Uh, but the child on the milk carton was reported missing, not found. Steven: We realize that. But we just thought that maybe someone else had found Tommy, and then lost him again. We're pretty certain that it's our boy, considering his physical appearance. Martha and I have the... same condition. Receptionist: ...Riiight. Steven: You may not have realized this, but we actually have buttocks where our heads should be. Receptionist: [flatly] ...Really? Steven: Yes. Martha: Steven and I have a comdition called "torsonic polarity symdrome." It's a birth defect that's passed on genetically. Steven: Over eleven people worldwide suffer from TPS Receptionist: [flatly] Hmm, hmm, that's am-, that's amazing. Steven: Martha and I were lucky enough to meet each other at a TPS convention in France. Receptionist: So... do you have heads down where your rear ends should be? Steven: No no, don't be silly. You see, with TPS, the birth defect is on the exterior only. Behind this we still have all our vital head organs - tongue, eyes, nasal passages... Receptionist: Well, Mr. and Mrs... Steven: Uh, Thompssson. Receptionist: ...Thompson. Uh, I'll contact the young boy who gave me the photo, and perhaps we can all visit him together. Martha: Oh, wonderful! Steven, we're goin' to see Tommy again! Steven: Now, Martha, what did I say about getting our hopesss up? Martha: You're right. You're right. [Cartman's house, moments later. Cartman is laughing his ass off on the sofa when Stan and Kyle return to see him.] Kyle: ...Okay Cartman, what do you want this time? Cartman: [gets up and hops off the sofa] Oho, you guys, you guys! Oh my God. [tries to compose himself] Okay, okay, so get this, get this: The milk company calls me, right? [wipes some moisture from his face] And they call me and say that two people from Wisconsin... saw the picture of Kenny on the milk carton, and they think it's their kid. [cracks up again] Stan: ...Dude, that's not funny if they're missing their son. Cartman: No, nonono! Because apparently these two people... also kind of look like they have butts where their heads should be! [waits a second, then roars with laughter again] Kyle: ...Nuh uh. Cartman: Oh yes! And the best part is... they're coming here, to my house. And it's gonna be sooo funny!! [roars with laughter again. The doorbell rings and all three look at the door] Oh Jesus, that's probably them now! Okay, you guys, just play it cool, just play it-, just-sshh. No, sshh, you guys, sshh. [walks over to answer the door. He stops and stifle a laugh] Just- okay [chuckles] No. [takes a fwe steps] Okay, okay, no, you guys, sh, sh. [steps to the door, takes a deep breath, and opens it, grinning] Martha: [greeting] Hello, we're Mr. and Mrs. Thompson. [Cartman stands there grinning, then it disappears into a frown. A few moments later he turns around dejected.] Cartman: Oh God. Kyle: [starts laughing, but stifles it with his hands over his mouth] Hohly crahap, duhude, heh! Stan: No way! [Cartman turns around and looks again, frowning] Steven: We understand you've seen our son. [Cartman looks speechless, then turns around looking lost] Cartman: [very softly] Oh my... God. [walks away from the door quite afraid, then begins to ascend the stairs stammering nonsense] Stan: Cartman, where are you going?? [Cartman keepw walking. The Thompsons simply shrug their shoulders, looking at each other] Martha: [holds up the milk carton] Uh, excuse me, boys, do you know anything about this? Kyle: [giggles a bit] Uh Stan: Oh boy. Kyle: Eh-heh. L-look, if you want an explanation, you yuhou'd better go to Kenny's house. Stan: Yeah. He lives about four houses away in the bad side of tahown. Martha: [Steven puts his arrn around her shoulder] Oh thank you. Thank you! [they turn and walk away. The receptionist waits for them on the walkway] Receptionist: Well? Steven: They said to inquire four houses down. Martha: Let's hurry! [leads the way down the street. Steven and the receptionist follow] [Cartman's room, moments later. Cartman is at a loss for words and looks scared. The door opens and Kyle and Stan walk in.] Kyle: Ehheh, Cartman, what the hell are you doing? Stan: Yeah, you missed them turning around. Cartman: You guys, something's wrong. Stan: What? Cartman: I think... I.. just.. saw the funniest thing I'll ever see. And I... think... I... blew a funny fuse. Kyle: [quizzically] Blew a funny fuse? Cartman: [turns to face them] It was just too much and my sense of humor overloaded. [turns away] I don't think anything will ever be funny again. Oh God. What have I got? [Outside, on the sidewalk. Six kids are walking along: Kyle, Stan, Token, Clyde, Craig, and Tweek] Clyde: You mean they both have butts instead of heads? Stan: Yeah, dude, we'll show you. They're over at Kenny's. Token: How do they eat? Stan: How the hell should we know? [the kids stop before a house] Kyle:: Butters! Hey Butters! You have to check this out! Butters: [opens his bedroom window and looks down] W-what? Kyle: You gotta come to Kenny's house with us. Stan: There's these two people with asses where their heads should be. Butters: Ahah-I can't, fellas. Ah-I'm grounded for lookin' stupid in my school picture. Stan: But dude, you gotta see it; it's hysterical! Carol: Butters can't come out and play, boys. He thinks it's funny to look like a jackass in his school pictures that I have to pay for! Butters: Huh, but I told you mom: ah-I didn't mean to look... like a jackass, eh. It just happened. Carol: You made a goofy face! Butters: No! That's just what I look like. See? Carol: [turns around and looks up] ...Don't you make that face at me, young man! Butters: I'm not makin' a face, mom! Carol: Stop it! Craig: ...Come on, we wanna see the ass people. Kyle: Alright. [the kids turn left and walk away] Carol: Fine Butters! If you don't wanna stop making that stupid face at me, you can just stay in your room for another week! [goes inside and shuts the door.] Butters: Another week? [turns around and drops down] I hate my stupid face. [Mr. Mackey's office, day. Cartman is on the couch laying on his back...] Mr. Mackey: Okay Eric, as your counselor, uh I want you to feel comfortable talking about anything, m'kay? Cartman: Mr. Mackey, is it possible that you can see something so funny that it ruins your sense of humor forever? Mr. Mackey: Well, I can't think of anything that would be THAT funny. Cartman: Two people with asses for heads. Ever since I saw them I can't laugh at anything. Mr. Mackey: Oh, I see, well... Well, what did you used to think was funny? Cartman: You know, all the usual stuff. Dirty jokes, funny movies, seeing someone die... This morning, I even saw a little girl get her fingers caught in a car poicture and... I couldn't laugh. I mean I... I knew it was funny, but I couldn't laugh. Mr. Mackey: Well Eric, I suppose that, just like everything else, laughter can be relative - in, in other words, sometimes people see somethin' so scary that nothin' else scares them, so, the same could be true for funny things. Cartman: [turns over to look at Mr. Mackey] So does that mean I'll never laugh again? Mr. Mackey: It's possible, hm'kay? [Cartman turns over and lays on his back again] But you know, if you have completely lost your sense of humor, you can always become a writer for the show, "Friends" [laughs at the unexpected humor in his own statement].Ohokahay, huhuh. Cartman: Ugh. [The McCormick house, later. The Thompsons' car is parked outside, on the street. Inside, the McCormicks, the Thompsons and the receptionist are seated around the coffee table. A brick has replaced two of its legs. Kenny stands beside his mother.] Mrs. McCormick: ...and so you see, our son was just playing a joke and the little fat kid put it on the carton. Martha: Yes. Yes, I see. Mrs. McCormick: Kenny, don't you think you owe the Thompsons an apology? [Kenny just stares at them] Martha: ...No, it was foolish for us to get our hopes up. Steven: It was just such a coincidence, considering the photo. You may not have realized this, but Martha and I have buttocks where our heads should be. Stuart and wife: Really? Receptionist: Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, how long has it been since you've seen your son? Steven: Tommy disappeared when he was only seven. Martha: [leans into Steven's right shoulder, sobbing, and he comforts her] Oh, Steven, it's like it's all happening all over again. [sobs uncontrollably] Mrs. McCormick: [rises to soother her also] There there now. [looks around, then walks off] Receptionist: Please, Mrs. Thompson, it'll be alright. [Martha continues sobbing] Listen, the South Park Dairy Company is the country's largest. We find lost children all the time. [Mrs. McCormick returns with a box of tissues. Martha takes one and blows her "nose" with it. Mr. McCormick walks off again, and Martha resumes sobbing] We can help you find Tommy with the company's database! Mrs. McCormick: [holds her arms out as if to keep Martha away] Yes, well, aaah-I'll help you find your son. Just stop cryin', Please, for the love of God, stop cryin'! Martha: [blows her nose again and sobs some more, then tries to compose herself] Ah, agh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [blows her nose] Receptionist: Mr. Thompson, how did your son become missing? Was he abducted? Steven: Yes. He was in the care of our nanny at the time. Martha: The nanny that we trusted so much took off with him and we still don't know why. [Stan and Token are now looking in throuigh the window. Kyle joins them. Martha blows her nose] We think perhaps she wanted a child of her own. [a couple of hands try to get a grip on the window sill] Receptionist: And this was back in Wisconsin? [Craig soon rises into view outside] Steven: Yes, but we last heard the nanny was heading west. [Token, Craig, and Kyle start laughing. Tweek pops up and pushes Craig out of the way to have a good look. Stan laughs, and Craig climbs up on Tweek.] That's why we thought Colorado made sssssense. Martha: We've tried every avenue to find him, [Officer Barbrady happens by and says something. The kids jump] but, we've never tried the milk company. [Stan seems to tell Barbrady to come over and look at the ass people.] Receptionist: Well you just give us a try. I think you'll find that South Park Milk [Barbrady approaches] is not only the best resource for finding kids, [Barbrady's eyes widen] but also the best producer of the freshest 2% lowfat milk the world can offer. [Barbrady walks away and calls out to some people, then returns to the window] Martha: Thank you. Thank you so much for helping us. [Mr. Garrison walks by and looks in, then seems to say "Holy crap!"] Steven: This certainly is a friendly town. [Sheila shows up behind Kyle] You've all been sssssso wonderful. [Chef shows up behind Mr. Garrison] Martha: Yes, I'm so grateful I just wanna cry again. Stuart and wife, and Receptionist: [they hold their palms out] NO! [The Bijou Theater, day. "Grossout Comedy 8" is playing there. Inside, Cartman sits amid a bunch of older folk] Male 1: Dude, why are you wearing Shalayna's panties? [the audience laughs; Cartman sits there, glum, his head resting on his left hand.] Male 2: I have to wear Shalayna's panties. Lisa's were in the wash. [the audience laughs; Cartman just blinks.] Look, can we just get this over with? Male 1: But dude, I can't French-kiss him. He's my grandpa! [the audience laughs] Male 2: Come on, dude. Male 1: Oh, alright Here it goes. Come'ere, Grandpa. Audience: Aww Cartman: [out of sorts] Oh, dude, oh. Teen: [noticing] Dude, what's wrong with you? Cartman: Nothing's wrong with me. Uh- Male 1: Well, I'm glad that's over with. We'd better go back to the house now to see how Chris is doing. [Cartman fakes a laugh and the audience turns to look at him. Cartman manages a few weak laughs, then sinks in his seat] [Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. An official leads the Thompsons through the factory. Cows are lined up in their stalls eating from personal troughs.] President: Uh Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, as President of the South Park Milk Company, I want to apologize personally for printing that falsified picture on our milk cartons. Steven: Please, please. It's not your fault. President: Ye-yes, but here at South Park Milk we strive for excellence. For instance, we are now entering the extraction room. [stops] As you can see, we keep it close to the refrigeration room. That way we can get the milk to the container as fast as possible. [commercial music comes up] That's why some say South Park milk tastes like you're suckin' it right from the cow's tits yourself. Martha: Amazing. President: [a worker comes by with some food] Here, try a glass of our cold Vitamin D. And our fresh scones. [the Thompsons take some milk and scones and start eating] Steven: Delicious. Martha: Oh, excuse me. A little... difficult to drink with our condition. [the couple set their milks back on the tray and the worker walks out.] Steven: Martha and I actually have buttocks where our heads should be. President: Really? Well. And in here we have our Missing Child Resource Center. [leads them into a large darkened room] Martha: Oh my, isn't this impressive? President: Yes. With the Kelrom 4000, Mrs. Garthunk can search a database of over 30 million missing child cases. Mrs. Garthunk: [the receptionist] We'll start the computer on a data search. Now, when did your son turn up missing? Steven: Well, it was 1982. Tommy was only six at the time. Mrs. Garthunk: Alright then. Computer... Computer: Workiiing. Mrs. Garthunk: Run a scan of missing children since 1982. Check for physical birth defects called TPS. Computer: TPS. Torsonic Polarity Syndrome. Child missing since 1982. Workiiing. President: So you actually haven't seen your son in over 20 years? Martha: That's right. Mrs. Garthunk: But then, why did you think the picture of Kenny was him. Wouldn't your son be much older now? Steven: Yes, but since he appeared to be at least eight in the photo, [takes a bite out of the scone and chews it] we assumed someone had seen him since we did. Martha: [pulls out a baby picture] This is the only photo we have of our little Tommy. [in diapers in a crib, looking like he's just finished eating] Mrs. Garthunk: It's gonna take quite a while for the computer to do a scan of all missing kids. President: Well, why don't we let Mrs. Garthunk do her work, and I'll take you two out for some good old Colorado chili. [walks out. The Thompsons follow him] Steven: We don't really like chili; it makes us throw up. [Cartman's house, living room, day. The door bell rings and Eric answers it. Jimmy stands at the entrance] Jimmy: Well, hello, Eric. I was really glad you called me, very much. Cartman: Jimmy! Thank God! Get in here! [goes inside, and Jimmy follows, closing the door] Jimmy: What's this all about? Cartman: Jimmy, you've always been my favorite standup comic. You've gotta help me. I've lost my sense of humor. Jimmy: Gee, that's a terrible thing, Eric. Um comedy can be the best therapy, very much. Cartman: I just have to find my funny bone again! Just try and make me laugh. Jimmy: Oh, I don't think that'll be hard. I've been working on my rr... routine. Cartman: Okay, let me have it. Jimmy: Okay. Try this one on for size: Why did the... pigeon cross the road? Cartman: Okay, why? Jimmy: Because it was having sex with the chihi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-hiicken. [Cartman doesn't respond] Cartman: ...Naw, see? Somethng's wrong. I'm not laughing. Jimmy: Wow, what a great audience... How about this classic? Knock-knock. Cartman: Who's there? Jimmy: Orange. Cartman: Orange who? Jimmy: Orange you glad I didn't say banoo'n? Orange you glad I didn't say banoo'n? Orange you glad I didn't say bbb? Orange you glad I didn't say beh buhuhnnnaana? Cartman: [stares back] ...naw, that didn't work either. Jimmy: Wow, w-what a great audience... Knock-knock. Cartman: Who's there? Jimmy: An interrupting ca'ow. Cartman: An interrupting cow who Jimmy: [interrupting] Moooooo! [...no response.] ...What a terrific audience. [the two of them stand in the middle of the living room looking at each other] [Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. Mrs. Garthunk is still at the computer doing her search] Mrs. Garthunk: Hah, let's see. The Dallas-Ft. Wroth area. I haven't tried there yet. Computer? Computer: Workiiing. Mrs. Garthunk: Scan for any children reported found in the Dallas-Ft. Wroth area, with a facial deformity. Computer: Workiiing. [some computer noises] Negative. Mrs. Garthunk: Ugh. This is hopeless! ...Wait a minute, let's try it this way: Computer? Computer: Workiiing. Mrs. Garthunk: Scan databanks for children who reported their parents missing. Computer: Workiiing. [some computer noises] One million six thousand hits. Mrs. Garthunk: Alright, then break it down to claims in the past twenty years. Computer: Workiiing. [some computer noises] Three hundred twenty-one thousand hits. Mrs. Garthunk: Alright, now run a scan on h*m* versus pasteurized skim milk. Computer: In skim form, h*m* has longer shelf life by 2.3 weeks. Mrs. Garthunk: Okaaay, okay, now give me a breakdown of people who are seeking their parents who also suffer from a disease called T P S. Computer: Torsonic Polarity Syndrome, plus, a claim to not know parents: one match Mrs. Garthunk: Bingo. Do you have a photo Computer: Printiiing. [the screen reads "Processing". A picture starts appearing on screen] Mrs. Garthunk: My God. Oh my God! [Sidewalk, day. Six boys walk down the street again, only Kenny has replaced Tweek among the boys. They stop at Butters' house again,and again, Kyle calls out.] Kyle: Butters! Hey Butters! Butters: [opens his windows; has a paper bag over his head] Hehyeah? Kyle: They found the butt-face people's son, Butters. They're gonna have a big reunion at the milk company! Butters: Aw gee, thah-at sounds swell, fellas, but I can't go 'cause I'm still havin' behavioral problems. Stan: Why are you wearing a paper bag on your head? Butters: Uh, my parents are makin' me wear this paper bag until I learn... to stop makin' silly faces all the time. They've really had it up to [raises his hand high] here with me. Butters' Dad: Butters? Are you ready to stop with the stupid faces? Butters: [hops down to the floor] I sure am, Dad! Butters' Dad: Alright, you can take the paper bag off. Butters: [removes the bag] Thanks, Dad! Ah I'm sorry I was bad- Butters' Dad: Oh, very funny, young man! You think it's clever to make yourself up like a girl?! Butters: Hububut Dad, ah I didn't lick a- Butters' Dad: Did you use your mother's makeup?! She's gonna be furious! Butters: I'm not wearin' makeup Dad! I uh- Butters' Dad: Put that bag back on! Butters: [subdued] Yes, sir. [slips the bag over his head again] Kyle: Dude, that poor kid. [walks off] Clyde: Yeah, we gotta remember to kick his ass tomorrow. [turns with the other boys and follows Kyle off. Butters slams his windows shut] [Cartman's room, day. Cartman sits on his bed dejected. He's unwrapped a box and a g*n sits on his bed to his left, a notepad and pencil to his right. He picks up the pad and pencil and writes...] Cartman: Dear Mom: I can no longer stand to be without a sense of humor. Without laughter, the world is a cold and sad place, and I can't go out to face it anymore. Please tell everyone why I won't be at school. [He sets the notepad down and looks at it for a moment, then he reaches over for the g*n. He opens his mouth and puts the barrel of the g*n in... and bites it off. It's a chocolate g*n, and he sets the remainder down on the bed again.] Cartman: And please buy me more chocolate g*n. I'm starting to run out. [He picks up the chocolate again and takes another bite. Then he looks at the box the g*n came in] Cartman: Please get the kind with marshmallow inside. I don't like the peanut-butter filled one. Eric. [Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. A TV 4 news van and crew are present. Some of the factory workers are present in the background as the president of the company stands behind some microphones. The Thompsons stand next to the preisdent. A sign behind them asks, "Got Missing Kids?"] President: And so it is with great pride that we have flown little Billy Thompson out here, to be reunited with his parents for the first time in twenty years. [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Craig, Token, and Clyde show up and watch.] Mrs. Garthunk? [moves aside as she steps up] Mrs. Garthunk: Thank you, Mr. President. I'm proud to be an employee of South Park Milk, [music plays] which to date has found over a hundred thousand missing kids, and, led the way in the fight against curdling. Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, your son grew up not knowing who his parents were. [a sh*t of the Thompson couple] But he was strong and resilient, [a sh*t of the crowd] and ended up becoming very successful. I think it will amaze you as it will all of us to learn that your son... is Ben Affleck! [a picture is taken. The people in the crowd look puzzled] President: Come around here, Ben! [a man makes his way through the crowd as the people clap and cheer. It's Ben Affleck] Ben Affleck: Mom! Dad! Steven: [opens his arms] Son! Martha: [opens her arms] Oh, son! [Ben walks into their embrace as more pictures are taken] Cartman: [walking up to the other boys] What's goin' on? Stan: Dude, the ass-faces' son is Ben Affleck! Steven: Oh, our same ol' Ben! Martha: Oh, I'm so happy! [starts kissing him with her ass-face cheeks. Ben grimaces] Mr. Garrison: Wow, I never realized Ben had TPS, but I definitely see the resemblance now. [Mrs. Thompson is still crying and kissing Ben.] Steven: Aw, son. [begins kissing him, and Ben grimaces again] President: Isn't this wonderful? Photographer: [gets into position] Okay g*ng, give me a big smile. [the Thompsoons face the camera with Ben and the picture is taken. The crowd then disperses, and a man behind the boys is writing something on a note pad. He walks away as well.] Kyle: Well, looks like everything turned out alright for them. Cartman: Yeah, I guess now we'll have to call him Ben Assfleck. [breaks into a grin and starts laughing] Ben Assfleck, say that's funny. Stan: [noticing] Hey, you're laughng, Cartman. Cartman: Hehey, you're right! Oho, this is great! Ben Assfleck! [laughs some more.] Kyle: Well wait a minute. Don't you see what happened? Cartman: A-heh, what? Kyle: Everything turned out okay for those people. And so now you can laugh. Stan: Huh? Kyle: When Cartman first opened the door, and saw the Thompsons, he felt bad for playing a joke on them. Now that everything's turnd out alright, he's able to laugh. Stan: Oh, you're right. Cartman had a feeling of remorse. Cartman: E-heh. No no no, I blew a funny fuse. Kyle: There is no such thing as a funny fuse, Cartman. You felt bad. Cartman: [silent sigh] Whatever. All I know is that I can laugh again. I'm gonna go home and eat another chocolate g*n. Come on, Kenny! [Kenny follows Cartman, and they begin to cross the road. Kenny remains behind Cartman, and the sound of a motorcycle draws close] Motorcycle Driver: [running over Kenny] Dangit! [Cartman spins to see Kenny's bloody body on the road... and roars with laughter] [Stan and Kyle face Cartman. Behind them the crowd consists of only the camera crew, Mrs. Garthunk, Ben Affleck and the Thompsons, and the workers] Stan: Wow, Cartman actually felt bad for somebody and couldn't laugh at them. Kyle: Our little man is growing up, Stan. He's growing up. Stan: Yeah, I guess we all are. Maybe things are finally gonna start getting a more sophisticated around here. [Close-up of the Thompsons taking turns kissing Ben Affleck. Mrs. Thompson sobs and blows her nose.] Steven: Aw son! [kisses him] [End of How To Eat With Your Butt]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "05x10 - How To Eat With Your Butt"}

foreverdreaming

[Denver International Airport, day. Inside the terminal people are in long lines waiting to get their tickets or get on a plane. Mr. Garrison waits in line to have his bags scanned.] Mr. Garrison: Jesus Christ, these lines are ridiculous! I'm gonna miss my flight! [sees a guard] E- Excuse me, there are two other security checkpoints. Why can't you open those, too? Security Guard: Uh I don't know nothin'. Mr. Garrison: But you work for the- [the guard turns around and walks way] uh, God-damnit!! Voice: [over the PA system] Snooty Airlines announces the arrival of flight 239 from Connecticut. [The Broflovskis stand in front of a perfume shop] Sheila: That's your cousin's flight, Kyle. Hold the sign up nice and high so he can find us. Kyle: What's he look like? Sheila: He's your age and about your height. Kyle: I'm stoked my cousin is comin' to live with us. It'll be just like having a brother. [Ike flashes an angry look.] Ike: I todd a nurra Sheila: Oh, there he is. [waving] Over here, Kyle! [a boy wearing a NY cap and a #34 shirt appears. Kyle grins and holds up the sign. The boy looks to his right and walks off. Another boy appears, with bushy hair and a part down the middle and thick glasses.] Boy: Hello, Aunt Sheila. Sheila: How was your flight? [Kyle lowers the sign amd looks stunned] Boy:: Oh, it was terrible. They they recycled the air on board and it really did a number on my asthma. I-I-e-I asked them to turn up the oxygen and they wouldn't. [walks up and joins the family] Sheila: You rememer uncle Gerry. Boy:: Hi, Uncle Gerry. Sheila:: [kneels on one knee] And these are your cousin, Ike and Kyle Kyle: Hey dude. Boy: It's nice to meet you. Sheila: Let's get down to the baggage claim, Kyle. [rises and moves...] Both Boys: Okay: Sheila: [returns and genuflects again] Oooh, that's right! We've got two Kyles now. We'll just call you [to the nephew] Kyle, and you can be Kyle... [to the son] Two! [holds up two fingers and walks off. Kyle follows her while Kyle Two sorts this out] Kyle Two: Cool. [follows the others out] [Ticket counter. Mr. Garrison's turn has come up and he approaches the counter] Clerk: [female] Next? Mr. Garrison: Oh, I feel like I've run a marathon. [hands her his ticket] Clerk: [starts typing away] Mmmokay, the 2:30 flight to Cheyenne has boarded. Looks like you didn't make it. Mr. Garrison: What? Well of course I didn't make it. The line to check in was two hours long, and the security line was two hours more! Clerk: Nnnyeah, no problem, though. We'll get you on the 7 a.m. flight tomorrow morning. Mr. Garrison: I can't go tomorrow, the Jizzfest is tonight! Clerk: [ignoring comments] Would you like a window or an aisle seat? Mr. Garrison: This is unbelievable! You know, I seem to remember when the airlines said, "We need a 15 billion dollar bailout from the taxpayers-"! Clerk: Mmokay, and have any of your personal items been out of your possession since you left? Mr. Garrison: [people in the lines hear him and turn to look] Well we gave them the 15 billion dollar bailout and they fired their employees anyway! So now we have three people to clear 400 passengers! Man: Hey,he's right! People: YEAH! Clerk: Okay, and bags have been with you at all times? Mr. Garrison: So where did that money go? I'll tell you where it went: it went into the pockets of the preseidents and CEOs of the airlines, so they can keep their miltimillion dollar salaries! People: YEAH! Clerk: [prints out a pass and hands it out for Garrison to get] And here's your boarding pass for tomorrow morning. Mr. Garrison: You think you can treat us however you want because we HAVE to fly! Well I'll tell you what, Sally Sassalot, I'm gonna come up with a NEW mode of transportation! A ahah brand new vehicle that'll put all you bastards out of business! People: YEAH! ALRIGHT! GO! Mr. Garrison: You think I can't do it?! I got a master's degree in mechanical engineering at Denver Community College! You watch me!! [turns and stretches his arms over the crowd] Come on, everybody! People: YEAH! Man: [next in line, approaches the clerk] Can I get on that 7:30 a.m. flight? [The Broflovski house, night. The family is seated around the dining room table as Sheila enters with soup in hand] Sheila: Here we go, Kyle Two. [Kyle Two smiles at the soup he's gotten] And here's yours, Kyle. [Kyle inspects it] Kyle: [sniffs] Oh, uh, wawawhat is this? Kyle Two: Mom's special stew. She makes it every Monday and I love it. Kyle: Oh is, is this beef? Kyle Two: Yeah, dude, it's great! [eats the soup with gusto] Kyle: Uha, wa, actually, I, I can't eat beef. I have a degenerative problem with my intestinal lining, and beef really gives me gaass. Sheila: Oh, I'm so sorry, Kyle. What else can I fix you? Kyle: Oh no, I d- I don't want to be a bother, I uh- Sheila: Nonsense. Can't I make you some nice pasta? Or a frozen fish fillet? Kyle: We-ull, some fish would be great if it isn't too much trouble. Sheila: [rises and heads for the kitchen] I'll put it in the microwave right away. [heavy breathng is heard. Kyle Two looks at his cousin] [Kitchen, moments later. Sheila has gotten the fish and breaks it apart on the kitchen counter. Kyle Two appears at the doorway] Kyle Two: Mom? Sheila: Yes, Kyle Two? Kyle Two: How am I related to him again? Sheila: He's your cousin, Kyle Two. I told you already. Kyle Two: Yeah, but like... first cousin or distant cousin? Sheila: He's my sister's son. That makes him your first cousin. Kyle Two: So we have the same blood? Sheila: Now Kyle Two, listen to me. Kyle is going through a very tough time in his life. His mother is very sick and he's in a whole new place. He's going to rely on you to make sure he fits in at your school. Kyle Two: What?? How the hell am I supposed to do that?? Sheila: I'm sure your friends will love him. Kyle Two: What about Cartman, huh? He rips on me for being Jewish! He's gonna tear this kid apart! Sheila: Kyle Two, he's your responsibility. Kyle Two: Oh my God. Sheila: I'm sure you two will become great friends with lots of late night pillow talk. Kyle Two: Well what do you mean? [she catches her breath] What room is he sleeping in? [Kyle's room, past bed time. Both Kyles are in bed, the cousin getting used to the bed.] Kyle: What's this comforter filled with? Um, it isn't filled with down, is it? Kyle Two: I don't know, dude. Kyle: Ih it sure is quiet up here in the mountains and it's dry, too. Do you have a humidi-humidifier? Kyle Two: I don't think so. Kyle: Uh, can you take my stupid glasses and put them on the night stand. Make sure they're close by, because that fish upset my stomach and I might need them if I have to go to he bathroom later on. Kyle Two: Okay. [reaches for the light and turns it off, then tries to sleep. That distinctive brreathing returns as Kyle slowly goes to sleep, and Kyle Two takes a peek. Kyle swallows and turns his head to the left. Kyle Two looks at him, annoyed, then turns his back on Kyle and tries to sleep again] [Mr. Garrison's house, night. He's working at an artist's desk in his bedroom. On the wall are drawings of various types of aircraft, and on the floor around him are bits and pieces of all kinds of vehicles, including bicycle gears, airplane propellers, car motors, a muffler. To his right is a dresser with a small color TV on top. Mr. Hat is present on his right hand, as always.] Mr. Garrison: Now it's got to be simple. Like a moped, but with the ability to travel at much faster speeds. The designs of our electrical moped were altered with a- no, nonono this won't work either! Mr. Hat: What was wrong with that plan? Mr. Garrison: It has to be more s*ab, Mr. Hat! A moped would be too dangerous at those speeds. Damnit! [tries something new] Now, what if the jet power of an aircraft could be scaled down into a personal vehicle? Mr. Hat: Boy, that Enrique Iglesias can sure gyrate his hot ass around. Enrique Iglesias: [on TV, gyrating his hips around, holding his crotch in his left hand, the back of his head with the right one] ...I think about you day and night. I think about you... Mr. Garrison: Oh, Mr. Hat! Would you stop drooling over Enrique Iglesias and... wait a minute. What did you say? Mr. Hat: I said Enrique Iglesias can sure gyrate his hot ass! Mr. Garrison: That's it. Gyration. [pulls something onto his desk] A gyrascope. [sets it in motion] It would allow for maximum balance and yet... Mr. Hat! You're a genius! [starts writing again] It's so simple and yet genius! Mr. Hat: Check out his hot bulge, too. [Bus stop, next day. Kenny, Stan and Cartman wait at the stop. The two Kyles walk up to them.] Stan: Hey dude. Cartman: What's that thing? Kyle Two: Cartman, I need to talk to you. [takes him off to one side] Kyle: [to Stan] Hello, I'm Kyle's cousin Kyle. Kyle Two: Cartman, I'm gonna make you a deal. Cartman: What? Kyle Two: That kid over there is my cousin from the East Coast. He's having a really hard time right now, so I'm going to offer you forty dollars to not rip on him. Cartman: Forty bucks? Kyle Two: But you can't make fun of him AT ALL. No smartass comments, nothin'. Cartman: Alrigh, alright. Kyle Two: And you especially can't say anythng about Jews! Cartman: Aw, Jesus, why don't you just cut off my balls? Kyle Two: Cartman, no Jew jokes! All you have to do is keep your mouth shut, and you've got forty bucks! Can you do it? [Cartman looks past Kyle Two and sees Kyle talking away at the bus stop] Kyle: I can't believe how cold it is out here. Cartman: [pulls back and mulls his chances] Cold be tough. But I'll give it a sh*t. Kyle Two: Alright. [both return to the bus stop] Kyle: It's a reall dry cold; that's the problem. It- the cold air makes me wheeze. Kyle Two: [formal introductions] Kyle, this is Cartman, my sort of... friend- ish. Kyle: [goes over to greet Cartman] Ot- Nice to meet you, Cartman. Yuh you know, I saw that same jacket you're wearing at Bosco's for 29.95. How much was yours? Um, I juh- I was just wondering if Bosco's is a ripoff? Cartman: [weakening] ...Oh, man. Kyle: [observes this and gets angry] Cartman?! Cartman: [snaps into action] Uh, it's nice to meet you, Kyle. I can certainly tell you're a relative of my good friend Kyle here. [at that moment, a large wheel zips by the bus stop, and the kids cover their eyes] Stan: What the hell was that? [Neighborhood, day. Barbardy stops Craig's father in his car and is writing out a ticket when the large wheel zips by them.] Officer Barbrady: Uh what the hell was that? [Dowtown South Park. People walk about doing stuff. The giant wheel zips by them as well, but few seem to notice.] Stuart: What the hell was that? Randy: I dunno, it was going so fast I couldn't see it. [looks at Stuart] But I want one. Stuart: Yep, me too. [Garrison's house, curb level. The giant wheel stops and two legs dismount. It's Mr. Garrison, beaming with pride and confidence] Mr. Garrison: We've done it, Mr. Hat. Airline companies be damned. We've invented a whole new mode of transportation! Get some investors on the phone! [Mr. Hat doesn't move] Well what are you waiting for?! [South Park Elementary, day. Class is now in session.] Ms. Choksondik: And I know you'll all be very nice to our new student. [To Kyle] Kyle, why don't you tell us a little about yourself? Kyle: Oh well, I I grew up in the shity, ah ah I really don't care for it. Ah I come from a Jewish family, which of course you already know, because Kyle's form the same family. [Kyle Two buries his face in his hands] I like to read, and I have these polyps on the backs of my hands - I don't know what they are. Cartman: [resisting an urge] Ohmigod, I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. Kyle: ...Oh, and I hope one day to be an investment banker. Cartman: [resisting mightily] I... must.. fight it! Need... forty... dollars! Ms. Choksondik: Okay, why don't you go ahead and take a seat, Kyle? [Kyle goes to the desks, looks around, then runs around] Kyle: Uh where should I sit? There's no place to sit down here. Ms. Choksondik: Yes, unfortunately the school seems to be completely out of extra desks. So you'll just have to share with your cousin. Kyle Two: What? Kyle: Eh, oh, alright. [moves to Kyle Two's desk and squeezes in, and that breathng is heard again] Ms. Choksondik: [turns to the blackboard] Now let's get on with our lesson on the- Kyle: Ah-ah-ah-are wooden desks all that available? I usually prefer the plastic ones because these give me splinters. Cartman: Ugh, ugh! Ms. Choksondik: [faces the class] I'm sorry, Kyle. You'll just have to make do. [turns to the blackboard again] Now let's get back to the le- Kyle: Is it cold in here? I realize we're in the mountains, but do we have to freeze to death? Ms. Choksondik: [faces the class] Now Kyle, I need you to be quiet. In my class you need to be able to concentrate. Cartman: Oh! Ms. Choksondik: Concentration is the key to succeeding in my class. Cartman: Maybe we'll have to send him to concentration camp. AWGH! Damnit, damnit, damnit! Kyle Two: CARTMAN! [News 4 Newsbreak. An anchor soon appears with a window of Mr. Garrsion beside him] Anchor: Kindergarten teacher Herbert Garrison has apparently invented a new vehicle that will give the airlines a run for their money. Mr. Garrison is putting the final touches on his top secret device, which he simply calls "IT". [IT appears in the window] So what exactly is "IT"? [IT? appears in the window] Here with a report is a Hispanic man with some gravy stains on his lapel. [a window with that reporter pops up and soon fills the screen. Behind him is the Garrison house, and a small crowd is standing outside] Hispanic Reporter: Thanks, Tom, I-oh... [looks at his lapel and brushes some of the stain off] Thanks, Tom. So far Herbert Garrison hasn't let anyone get a look at his invention. He claims that the vehicle is sooo genius and revolutionary that it could cause one's eyes to bleed if not properly prepared to see it. But earlier today HBC News got footage of some of the country's top investors and richest people who have been invited for a first look, including: Steve Forbes [seen exiting a black limo], Steve Jobs [seen exiting a white limo], Ted Turner [seen exiting a helicopter], Donald Trump [seen exiting a private jet], Bill Gates [seen leaving his own ship, the U.S.S. Bill Gates XP], and Yasmine Bleeth [seen exiting a small dingy car and wiping her nose]. Their curiosity is piqued, Tom, and so is ours. What is "IT"? What does "IT"do? And when will IT be somewhere where I can buy one? Reporting live, Jeff Arrando [trills the Rs], HBC News. [Playground, day. Kids are on swings, hobby elephants, slides, etc, as the camera pans across. At the end of the pan, Kyle and Kyle Two face each other in a clearing] Kyle Two: You need to learn to play some sports, Kyle. So we're gonna start with a tough one called, "Catch the Ball." I throw the football to you; you throw it back to me. Kyle: Oh, bu- but isn't the cold air making the ball really hard? Ih-it's gonna hurt my hands. Kyle Two: It's fine! Kyle: Alright then, hu-how do I catch it? Kyle Two: Ih it's a football, dude. You just- put your arms out and catch it. [Kyle's arms spread out] Alright, here we go. [throws the ball, and it lands in the snow in front of Kyle, who just looks at it] Kyle: Now what? Kyle Two: Now throw it back to me. Kyle: But it's down in the snow. Kyle Two: ...So dig it out. Kyle: But I'll get snow on my gloves and then it will melt and I'll have wet hands. Kyle Two: ...Well, then we'll dry them off! Kyle: Alright, then. [walks to the ball and digs it out] Kyle Two: [turns away] Oh my God. Cartman: [offscreen] Kyle, Kyle! [arrives] I just found out that in World w*r II, some Jewish people were sent to concentration camps. Kyle Two: [Angrily] Yeah! They WERE, Cartman! Cartman: Oh, and see, I didn't realize that. But I understand now how you might've felt what I said in the classroom was a racial slut. But see, I had no idea. Kyle Two: You did, too! You are so full of crap! Cartman: No, I'm seriously! Becuase, um, I was, I was talkin' to Craig, and Craig was all like, "Hey, did you know that in World w*r II they really HAD concentration camps?" And I was all like, "No way!" And this little light went on in my head like, "Aw man, no wonder Kyle thought what I said in the class, seemed like it was directed at his cousin." But, but I was literally talkin' about a concentration camp, you know, where you go for a week to learn and focus, you know. Oh, mahan. [Kyle Two gets even angrier] What a misunderstanding, huh? [tries to be chummy with Kyle. Kyle brushes him off] Kyle Two: You blew the deal, Cartman! Cartman: Goddamnit, give me another chance! Kyle Two: [his cousin walks up behind him with the football] Nuh-uh, I knew you were gonna make fun of my lame cousin, so I paid you the forty bucks NOT to rip on him! You ripped on him, deal's off! Kyle: Uh you did what? [Kyle Two blanches] Kyle Two: [puts his mittens up to his cheeks] Oh no. Cartman: Haha, [slaps him on the back] serves you right, assh*le. [leaves] Kyle: You, you paid your friends tuh... [hangs his head] not make fun of me? Kyle Two: Look, ih it's not because anything's wrong with you. Kyle: Wow uh, you think it takes forty dollars to get people to like me. Kyle Two: Kyle, I-eh I'm sorry Kyle: Becuase I m-I mean I really think you could have done it for about 12.50. Kyle Two: What? Kyle: Well, I mean, you didn't just start at 40, didja? You you gotta low-ball these things so you have a place to go. Kyle Two: Uh-uh-uh oh, dude. Uh [shuffles away] Kyle: Boy it sure is dry out here. [Mr. Garrison's house, backyard. The invited guest sit in two rows of chairs] Mr. Garrison: Gentlemen, imagine being able to travel safely at incredibly fast speeds, and not having to go to the stupid fartface airports! Mr. Hat: That sounds incredible, Mr. Garrison. Mr. Garrison: It IS incredible, Mr. Hat. And what makes IT possible [the back gate open and Kyle walks in] is IT's patented gyroscope design. [he backs up and unveils the vehicle] Gentlemen, I give you, IT! Guests: Whoa. Steve Forbes: Nice Donald Trump: Sweet. Mr. Garrison: IT gets over 300 miles to the gallon, and is safely capable of speeks of over 200 miles per hour. Guests: Whoa. Wow. Bill Gates: This will change everything. Steve Jobs: We're going to have to rethnk cities! Mr. Garrison: [puts on a helmet] Now, IT is easily operated using four flexigrip handles. Two of them are on each side. Left side for throttle, right side for steering. [operates each one as he describes it] The third flexigrip is gently inserted into the anus, to keep the driver in place. [gets into the wheel and activates the flexigrip. It extends into his anus and he groans as it locks him in.] Guests: Ugh. Oh. Mr. Garrison: ...there we go. Now, the final flexigrip is directly in front of the driver so that its small switches can be operaterd with the mouth, as such. [begins to suck on the flexigrip, then stops] Put the four together and we're ready to go. [gets the four flexigrips to work in unison and the vehicles takes off, first one way...] Steve Jobs: Oh my God! [...and then the other. The guests turn to see IT zoom across the yard] Steve Forbes: Look at it go! [Garrison crashes through the fence and disappears in the distance. Kyle, standing next to the new hole in the fence, isn't hurt] Bill Gates: But the way it works... do you think people will go through that to travel? Steve Forbes: Hey, it... still beats what you go through at the airports. Guest 1: True. Guest 2: Yup. Guest 3: Yeah, that's true. Guest 4: Yeap. [The Broflovski house, night. Two lights are on] [Kyle Two's room. Stan is writing in a book as Kyle speaks] Kyle Two: I can't take it anymore, Stan. My cousin's been here for two weeks and he's driving me insane. Stan: I know, dude. Every kid in school wants to kick his ass. Kyle Two: Ispent five years in this town making a good name for Jews and this... this... stereotype shows up and wrecks it all! You know what my biggest fear is? That I'll become him. That somehow his mannerisms will start rubbing off on me, and I'll become a stereotype. I mean, I'm a Jew and he's making me hate Jews. Stan: Dude, a self-hating Jew? You are becoming a stereotype. Kyle Two: Ya see? Kyle: [opens the door] I'm ba-ack! Kyle Two: [slaps his head] Ugh. Stan: Book. Later, dude. [leaves the desk, walks to the door and around Kyle, and exits. Kyle Two gets out his own writing book and starts writing. Kyle's breathing can be heard, and Kyle Two stops. Kyle eats a bit of cr*cker and Kyle Two resumes writing. After a whle he grimaces, then buries his face in his arms.] [South Park, day. The day for IT's unveiling is here, and it's being offered at Better Buy. Another camera focuses on the Hispanic reporter] Jeff Arrando: Tom, the day is finally here. IT has arrived for retail sale, and people are getting their first look at it. Mr. Garrison:: [showing Craig's father how it works] Okay, good. Just step through here [the man does so] And then this is your steering and here's your throttle. Craig's father: Okay. [starts working the flexigrips] Mr. Garrison: Okay, now you're just gonna feel a little pinch. Craig's father: [feeling it] HAAAOW! Mr. Garrison: It's alright, it's just locking you in. [some more groans from the man] You can take it. [looks up to see anothr rider] Doing great, Kathy. How's that ride? [she mumbles something, gives a thumbs-up, and continues driving. Garrison goes back to Craig's father] Okay, now use your mouth to operate the turn signals, and you're off. [the man gets all four flexigrips going, and he begins to roll down the street. Two men bring out a new one] Great! Who else wants to give it a spin? [an elderely woman steps forth grinning] [In front of Better Buy. IT drivers move about as Randy and Stuart look on. Craig's father rolls to a stop next to them] Randy: Oh, man, it that the IT? Craig's Father: Hehyeah. Stuart: How is it? Craig's Father: Well, ugh. Ih ih it beats dealing with the airline companies, that's for sure. [rolls on] [Neighborhood, day. The boys have Kyle on a sled, which is tied to...] Kyle: I don't know about this, guys. I think sleds are dangerous. Kyle Two: Look, Kyle. Sledding is something all kids out here do. You've gotta learn. Kyle: It seems like I might get splinters, though. Kyle Two: [moves to the front of the sled to face his cousin] Remember: Just hold on. No matter how long the sledding run lasts, hold on. Kyle: Hold on. I see. [...a bus. It revs up and leaves, headed for Connecticut. The rope between the bus and sled tightens, and the sled takes off] Oh, Jeezus, this sled is going faaaast. Kyle Two: [calls out] Hang on! Kyle: I have to watch out for my glasses. Ow! Ow, it's so cold! Oh Jesus! [the bus goes around a corner and is gone.] Kyle Two: How far do you thnk it is to Connecticut? Kyle: It's a least a couple of hours. Kyle Two: Think he'll be alright. Cartman: [leaving] He's faaahn. [Commercial] Announcer: [sh*t of a plane in the air, then of a full cabin] Are you tired of coprporate airline companies treating you like a worthless sardine? [angry faces crowded into each other] Tired of ridiculous lines and horrible security at airports? [angry, vocal crowds yelling at security gurads who seem to be taking their time. Next: sh*t of the plane in midflight again] Well, now there is an alternative to airline travel. [Next sh*t, an IT zooming down the road. The camera now moves along with IT.] IT. [the driver leans to the left a bit to see where he's going] IT has taken the country by storm. [A J-mart is shown, and several ITs are parked out in the lot] And already two million have been sold. [An IT driver is shown going down the street. Another IT driver passes him] Never have another important business trip ruined by airline incompetence. [two elderly women ride to the edge of a canyon] Hey ladies! How did you get to the Grand Canyon? [they answer, but their voices carry and blur in the canyon. Next sh*t: a woman exits her house with her baby] IT comes in sizes for the entire family. Woman: [putting the baby, Robby, into his own small IT.] Here you go, Robby. [Robby cries] John Travolta: [in a studio stage, Stage C, somewhere, gets off his chair] Hello, I'm John Travolta. I used to rely on airlines to get me to set, but once I got used to IT, [walks over to IT and gets in] I found it to be a little less painful than dealing with the airline companies. I just power up the flexigrips. [groans in pain as the a**l flexigrip takes hold] And I'm ready to go. Thank you, IT. [revs up and takes off.] Announcer: [a sh*t of ITs entering and leaving a parking lot] So join the millions of Americans who have felt a little more comfortable with... traveling. [the oral flexigrip squirts something in a drivier's eye. The IT logo appears] Order yours today and remember our slogan: IT's better than flying. [Kyle's house, living room. Kyle Two has finished watching the commercial] Kyle Two: ...Hm, that was pretty gay. [starts humming, and Sheila enters the room] Sheila: Kyle Two, where is Kyle? Kyule Two: [poised] I don't know, Mom. Last time I saw him he was sledding. Sheila: Where on earth could he be? [starts to leave] Kyle Two: You know, it's just possible he went back to Conencticut. Sheila: [quickly returns] What? Kyle Two: Well, ah I mean, maybe he got so worried about his mom that found a way to get back and see her. Sheila: Don't be ridiculous, Kyle Two. He's out playing with his new friends. Kyle Two: I'm just throwin' it out there as a possibility. [the doorbell rings and he goes to answer the door.] Kyle: [at the door] I'm ba-ack. Kyle Two: AAA! Kyle: [enters] I'm sorry. You must've been worried sick. I got your sled tangled up with a bus. [looks at Kyle Two] Kyle Two: A, a bus. R-really? Sheila: [rushes up] Kyle, what happened to you?? Kyle: Ah- I was just sledding, and the next thing I knew my sled rope got tangled with a bus, uh. I gut dragged for over a hundred miles before the bus finally stopped for gas. [gives Kyle Two the remains of the sled] I'm sorry about your sled, Kyle. Kyle Two: Oh no- don't worry about it, dude. Sheila: Oh you poor thing! Come upstairs and we'll get you out of those wet clothes. [leads him away. Kyle Two looks dismayed] Are you alright? Kyle: Oh, my ears feel like they're frozen off, and I think I have a hemorrhoid from sitting on the sled for so long. [IT dealership, day. The IT has grown so popular it's left Better Buy for its own sale space. The camera pans across the showroom floor to Mr. Garrison, seated in front of an IT Moters Inc. sign. He's got a stack of bills to his right and a computer to his left, all on a futuristic desk] Mr. Garrison: We're in the money, Mr. Hat, We're in the money, Mr. Hat... [Jimbo, holding his lower back, walks up to Mr. Garrison] Oh hi, Jimbo. Can I help you? Jimbo: Yeah, I wanted to order that theft alarm for my IT. Mr. Garrison: [reaches under his desk and pulls out a form] Oh, right, right. Take a seat. Jimbo: Uh, that's okay, I'll stand. Mr. Garrison: [Randy walks up to the desk] What do you think, Mr. Marsh? All set to put a down payment on that baby? Randy: Well, yeah, but I have one question about the way it works. Mr. Garrison: Sure. Randy: Well, [walks back to IT] it seems all the buttons on these front and rear flexigrips are also found on the side of the vehicle. Mr. Garrison: Yeup. Randy: [returns to the desk] Well... so... they don't really... do anything. Mr. Garrison: Right. Randy: So then, couldn't I just order one that works without going in and out of my ass and mouth? Mr. Garrison: [thinks about this a moment] Well, I... guess you could. [a view of the showroom] Man 1: Huh? Man 2: Whazzat? Man 3: Wha- what did you- what did he say? Man 4: What? [Denver International Airport, day. A plane takes off. Inside the terminal the boys and Kyle stand around] Kyle: I don't know about this guys. I think playing hide and seek in the airport might be dangerous. Kyle Two: Kyle, we told you: Kids in Colorado all play hide and seek at the airport. Stan: Yeah, as soon as we get to the concourse you'll see how fun it is. Kyle Two: [leans towrads Stan and in a low voice] Ungh, this is taking too long. The flight to Connecticut is about to leave. [looks at the guard] Ey! Can we speed things up here?? Security Guard: Daaah, sorry, but ever since that IT thing came out the airlines have had to cut back on employees. Kyle Two: Dude, we're the only ones here! How long does it take five people through security?! Security Guard: Derr, let's see: Twelve people... plus... times... divided... two hours domestic, three hours international. Kyle: Can't we just play hide and seek at home? Kyle Two: No! Security Guard: [to Kenny] Dah ha! What's this?! A toenail clipper! [rises to his feet and aims a g*n at Kenny] Die, t*rror1st! [kills him with one sh*t] Kyle: Oh, Jesus!! [the corpse starts to bleed] Security Guard: See, we do these checks for a reason! Kyle Two: This is ridiculous! Come on! [leaves. The others except Kyle follow. Cartman stops and pulls Kyle away. The boys head through some doors designated for employees only, with security bypass.] [Tarmac, outside. The boys stop at a plane ready to take off.] Kyle Two: Okay, Cartman, you're it. Start counting. [Kyle Two pulls Kyle away, Stan follows] Cartman: [turns toward the landing gear and buried his face in a wheel, then starts counting] 1, 2, 3, 4... Kyle Two: [Stan and Kyle Two stop at a box] Here, Kyle. You go hide in here. [shows him the hbox] Kyle: In there? But it's very confined. I'll get cramps in my legs. Kyle Two: JUST GET IN THE BOX! Kyle: Ub, alright then. [goes in. Stan and Kyle Two quickly seal the box with wrapping tape and carry it off] Oh, would you look at that? I've got a corn on my ankle. [the two boys toss the box into a luggage cart, an employee tosses the box onto the conveyor, and it falls into the cargo bay with the other luggage] Now where did that one come from? That's the fourth one I've had- [the plane taxis to the runway and is ready to take off] Kyle Two: I hope he doesn't suffocate. Cartman: [leaving] He's faaahn. Stan: Yeah. He'll be waaay better off back at home. [he and Kyle watch the plane lift off] Kyle: Oh, Jesus, this bus is going fast! [as the plane climbs, the side of it is shown: Air Antarctica] Oh, I did it again!! [IT dealership, day. Crowds mill around the dealership. Federal agents raid the building and start hauling ITs away. Mr. Garrison isn't pleased.] Mr. Garrison: Excuse me, what the hell are you doing? Agent 1: It's alright, we're with the government. Agent 2: We're just shutting you down. Mr. Garrison: Shutting me down? Why? Agent 3: [the first two agents exit with an IT] The airlines are in desperate trouble. Your vehicle is causing them to lose money. Mr. Garrison: Yeah, well that was the point, dingleberry! Ah-t put that down! Agent 4: Right, so the governmentn is bailing the airlines out again, but shutting you down and making ITs illegal. Mr. Garrison: OH, GOD-DAMNIT! You'd better be kidding! [pounds the desk] Agent 5: Sir, many people work for the airlines. We can't let them all be fired. Mr. Garrison: THE AIRLINE COMPANIES ARE LOSING MONEY BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN INCOMPETENCE AND THEIR OWN INEFFICIENCY!! Agent 6: That may be truu. But if you build, sell, or ride another IT, "it" will be the last time. Have a nice night. [the agent and his partner walk off with the last IT and Garrison is left with a barren showroom] Mr. Garrison: HWAAAAHHH! Airline f*ck! You pieces of shiiit! Cocksucking sons of bitch airlines! [the agents, in their black cars and big rigs, leave] [The Broflovski house, night. In the living room, Sheila paces the floor as Kyle sits on the sofa.] Sheila: Oh, it's been days! Where can he be? Kyle Two: I dunno, Mom. It's like he vanished into thin air. Sheila: I'm gong to call the police again. Kyle Two, go down to the playground and look there. Kyle Two: [gets off the sofa] I already checked the playground, Ma. [reaches the front door and opens it] I told you, he isn't really- [turns in astonishment to see Kyle back at the front door] Kyle: I'm back. Kyle Two: GAAAH! [hangs his head in dismay] Sheila: [offscreen] Kyle! [Kyle enters] You're back! Kyle: Yeah, it was the craziest thing. I hid myself on a plane to Antarctica. Oh, it was so dry down there. [The Broflovski house, a few days later. Stan and Cartman approach the door. Inside, Kyle is standing in the living room, his arms crossed. He's clearly pissed off. The door opens, and Stan and Cartman walk in.] Stan: So dude, did Cartman's idea work? Kyle Two: No. I tried getting my cousin lost in the woods, but a stupid bear brought him home. Stan: Damn! Kyle Two: I just have to face facts that I'm gointuh live with my crappy cousin forever. Kyle: [approaching with Sheila, carrying suitcases, ready to go home] Well, Kyle, I I gotta go. Kyle Two: [the boys are stunned] ...What? Kyle: Yeah, I've gotta get back to Connecticut. Sheila: Now that things have changed for Kyle, his mother needs him back. Kyle Two: [gasps in relief and turns to Kyle] Do you promise?? [steps back] I mean, oh. Thah-uh that's too bad, dude. What, what changed for you? Kyle: Well, I I invested in that IT thng, and there was a bailout, so I received a five million dollar bailout clause check, which, which I can use to help my family, so, I I guess, goodbye, cousin. [heads for the door with Sheila] Kyle Two: Okay. See ya, cousin. Hope to see ya soon. [once Kyle is out of earshot, says in a low voice] Not too soon, I hope. Stan: Yeah, haha Cartman: Heheheheheh. [the door is heard opening and they realize what Kyle just told them] All Three: Five million dollars??? [they quickly rush up to Kyle and block him from leaving the hosue. Sheila is already outside] Kyle Two: Dudedudedude! You you have five miliion dollars?? Kyle: Yeah, I don't know what to do with it, though. Well, see ya. Kyle Two: [holds his palms out] Wait. Kyle, this may sound crazy, but I think you should stay! Stan, Cartman: Yeah! Kyle: Ru really? Kyle Two: Yeah. You see, I've learned something today. [Sheila watches from outside, waiting for Kyle. Music starts up] Sometimes people have trouble fitting in at, at school and,... [music dies] and um... Let's see, what did I learn about? [voice fading, strokes his chin] What did I learn about today? Cartman: [steps forth] I I, I learned that... you shouldn't judge somebody because... that-no, wait. Kyle Two: Nonono, it was good! What were you going to say? Kyle: Listen, guys, I appreaciate you wanting me around, but, the fact of the matter is, well, yeh, you guys are just kind of douche bags. Kyle Two: ... Uhwhat? Kyle: I mean, yeyou people are all just such hick jock rednecks; it's just like you right out of a stereotyped catalog. [picks up his suitcases and goes towards the door] Ah I can't take it. See ya. [walks out and joins his aunt to the car. The boys are left stunned, having been judged and found wanting once again] Kyle Two: Dude! Weak. Cartman: [turns to Kyle] ...Good job, Jew! [End of The Entity]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "05x11 - The Entity"}

foreverdreaming

[South Park Elementary, day. Butters stands in front of the class witha small volcano - his science experiment.] Butters: ...And so, just like in nature, ah I can add the mixture into the volcano and... [throws his head back, closes his eyes, and chants] O Pele! God of f*re! Show us you uh- [the belching volcano draws his attention as it coughs up the "lava"] Aw, it's all uh g-gooey. Ms. Choksondik: Okay, good job, Butters. You get a check. Butters: Ah, thank you, Ms. Choksondik! [wheels his experiment back to his desk] I got a check. That's like a C! Ms. Choksondik: Okay. Whose project should we look at next? How aboouuut Eric? [tape is heard leaving its spool] Eric Cartman? Cartman: [wrapping something together] Stand by, please. Ms. Choksondik: NOW Eric! Cartman: [leaving his seat] Oh, God-damnit! Kyle: Haha Cartman: Shutup, Jew! [moves to the clearing, turns around, and faces the class. He clears his throat] Yes, well. For my project, I made a pencil, taped to a pen. In this way we see the duality of writing devices that occur in nature. Ms. Choksondik: You just put that thing together just now! I'm giving you a check minus. Cartman: Oh GOD-DAMNIT I HATE CHECK-MINUS! Ms. Choksondik: Siddown [Cartman walks towards his desk] Cartman: [in hushed tones] I'll make you eat your parents! Ms. Choksondik: What did you say?! Cartman: Nothing! [takes his seat] Ms. Choksondik: Alright, Token, you're next. [Token leaves his seat carrying a laptop computer, then turns towards the class] Token: Using my laptop computer, I hooked into the Internet and found a meteorology Web site. [pops open the case and displays the page] I donwloaded the data, and with my dad's video projector, I can show you the graph I made of predictable weather patterns over the next three months. [pulls the projector over and plugs it into the laptop, then runs the graph. The resulting projection shows cloud formations moving across the U.S. Ms. Choksondik is impressed] Clyde: Wwooww. Token: [turns around and shows some sheets to the class] I also printed out the results on my color printer. Here you are, Ms. Choksondik. [hands her the papers] Ms. Choksondik: Very very good, Token. You get a check plus. Token: Alright! [goes back to his seat with his laptop] Cartman: Aw, that is such bullcrap! Ms. Choksondik: [sigh] Eric, for the love of God. [drops her head down to her desk] Cartman: No! No, see, this is the fundamental flaw with the check check-plus check-minus system! The only reason Token was able to do all that is because his family is rich! Token: My family isn't rich. Cartman: Oh, come on, Token! Your new house is four times the size of anyone else's in town! And who else gets crab cakes and, and lobster tail in their lunch boxes?! Stan: Your family is rich, dude. Token: But I... Cartman: [leaves his seat and walks over to Token] Let's just see where Token's clothes come from, shall we? [tugs at his sweater] Ooooo, Armani Exchange! Kyle: Aharmani Exchange? Cartman: All the rest of us have to buy our clothes at J mart! Have you even been inside a J mart, Token?! [Token opens his mouth to say something, but shuts it up instead] I didn't think so! [moves back to his seat.] Stan: Yeah, dude, your family is so rich they have their own pool table. Butters: Yeah. And their own sprinkler system. You don't think you're rich? [zoom in on Token's face as he realizes they may be right] [Token's house, after school. His parents are at the sofa. His father reads a newspaper; his mother, a book. Token walks in] Linda: [notices and lowers her book] Hello Token. How was school today? Token: Mom? Dad? Why do we have a bigger house than everybody else in South Park? [both parents blink and lower their reading materials] Bob: Well, because we have more money, son. Token: I know. But why? Bob: ...W-well, because we went to graduate school and therefore have more lucrative jobs than most people in town. For instance, your mother is a chemist for a pharmaceutical company, whereas your friend Eric Cartman's mother is a crack whore. One pays more than the other. Linda: Why, sweetie? What's the matter? Token: All the kids at school made fun of me today because I'm rich. Bob: ...Oh. Token: I don't wanna be rich anymore! I wanna eat macaroni and cheese for dinner and, and and wear clothes from J mart! Linda: [voice quivering] J mart? Bob: [comforts Linda] Son, you, you don't know what you're saying. Token: I just wanna be like all the other kids in South Park. Please, Mom and Dad, please. [his parents blink and look at each other] [J mart, later. A small SUV pulls into the J mart lot. Token takes his first look at J mart. He is awed by it and pleased at the chance to shop there.] Bob: You... sure you want to do this, son? Token: I'm sure. [the SUV stops and Token hops out. His parents follow, but just stand by the car] Linda: Hmmm... Bob: Where's the... valet? Linda: He must be parkiing someone else's car. Bob: Ah, here we go. [moves to his right as a man approaches and stops the man] Take good care of it, please. [puts the keys in the man's hands] Here's twenty dollars. [the man just stands there. The family walks into J mart through the center doors] Hoh? [shields his eyes from the lights] They've activated some kind of alien blinding device. Token: That's not a blinding device, Dad. It's flourescent lighting. Bob: [relaxing] Oh. Linda: [calling out] Excuse me, where can where would we find young men's fashion apparel? [an obese blonde woman appears] Obese Woman: Aisle 6, next to the pretzels. Bob: [eyes widen] Next to the-?! Token: Come on! [runs forth. His parents follow, his father shielding his eyes. Token stops at a clothes rack and pulls out a pair of pants] Hey look: there pants are only five bucks apiece. They must really suck. What do ya think? Linda: What, what brand are they? Token: It doesn't matter, Mom. They're poor people pants. Randy: [nearby with Sharon, who is checking out toilet paper] Hey, uh, Sharon? Isn't that the Williamses? Sharon: [puts the paper in the shopping cart] Huh? [looks to see] Oh. Yeah, it is. [they see Token look at more pants] What are they doing here? They can afford to shop at Cherry Creek. [nearby two shopping carts clash] Liane: Do you see that, Sheila? The Williamses are shopping here. Sheila: I don't get it. He must pull in at least two hundred thousand a year. [others stop and stare as Token brings out another pair of pants for comparison. More people stop and stare, and a long silence follows] Bob: S-son, can you just hurry it up? I don't think we quite fit n here. [Stan's house, afternoon. In the living room, six boys are gathered on the floor around a board game: Clockwise: Craig, Tweek, Clyde, Cartman, Stan, Kyle] Cartman: Oh, looks like you landed on Park Avenue, Stan. You own me ten million dollars. Token: [enters the room] Hey you guys. [has a DVD under his arm] Stan: Oh hey, dude. Did you bring the movie? Cartman: Hey, you changed your clothes, Token. Token: Yeah, well, you know, I did a little shopping at J mart. Stan: [gets up and walks over to Token] Alright, well, let's just watch the Lion King. Cartman's cheating anyway. [stops next to Token] Token: Here you go. [hands him a DVD disk] Stan: [looks at the disk] What's that? Token: It's a DVD of the Lion King Stan: DVD? We don't own a DVD player. Kyle: Yeah, dude. [rises and joins Stan and Token] Nobody does. They're too expensive. Cartman: Not too expensive for Token's rich ass family, apparently. [the others laugh and gether around Token] Craig: Don't you have a VHS of it? Token: I only have this. Cartman: [takes the DVD and holds it up] Oh, well, let me take this disk up to the Enterprise and see if Captain Kirk can decrypt it. [the others laugh] Token: What's a VHS? Cartman: Oh, Jesus, dude. [Lowers the disk and laughs with the others] Stan: Come on, guys. We'll jsut have to find other stuff to do. [heads for the door] Kyle: [jokingly] What's a VHS? [laughs and the others laugh as they head for the door. Cartman tosses the DVD to Token, but it just falls to the floor.] [Token looks at the DVD, then at the boys, then at the DVD. He lets the DVD case fall to the floor on top of the DVD and leaves the house. Music comes up as he leaves the Marsh house] Token: Why can't I be like all the other kids? [sees Kenny and brother Kevin playing on their lawn. Kenny is flying around getting dizzy while Kevin plays with a deflated basketball.] They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns. [hops onto a wooden box and peeks in - he sees Butters eating] And cut-up hot dogs for lunch It's not my fault my parents succeed so much. [leaves the window and walks over to Stark's Pond, then sits and pulls out a dollar coin from a small collection. The pond has thawed, and lily pods can be seen on the water. Token tosses the coin, and it skips across the water. He then walks on and stops across the street from the South Park Welfare Office. Craig and his family leave the office with their welfare check as Cartman and mom walk in.] There's no one in town I can relate to. I play with autographed baseball bats [he fades into a baseball uniform and holds a bat with Barry Bonds' signature on it] while everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones [across the street he sees a baseball game, with Kyle pitching, Cartman catching, Stan at bat, Clyde in left field, and three other boys. Sticks and cones are being used. Stan hits the cone. It sails away and Stan rounds the bases] Has a boy ever felt so alone? [drops his bat and glove and walks away, then stops and gets a look of determination.] Well, who needs them anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not [rushes home and goes to his desk to work on something - a 2-page tabloid ad extolling South Park as the next Aspen] If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got. If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around, So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so... down. [he finishes, puts the ad into a sturdy envelope addressed to Forbes Magazine Department with some bills, and goes to the window to look at the sunset. Outside, the camera pulls back from the window] Please, God, send more rich kids... To my... Town [As the camera pulls back, Token's house is shown to be big indeed, with a three- or four-car garage set back some distance from the street. To the right, two more houses appear, but they are small next to the Williams house.] [Next sh*t, a mansion in the Hollywood Hills. An address is shown] Will Smith 17804 Beverly Estates Hollywood Hills, CA. 90046 [the camera pulls back to show Smith reading Forbes Magazine] Will Smith: Ooo, look at this, honey. [his wife Jada walks up] A beautiful unspoiled town in the Rockies. This is just what we've been looking for! Jada Pinkett Smith: "Like Aspen was 30 years ago." Sounds nice. Will Smith: We could buy hundreds of acres of land for next to nothing! And then I could finally live like a cowboy. Jada Pinkett Smith: Oh Will, the country would be such a nicer place to raise our kids! Will Smith: O kids? [they show up] Older Boy: Yes, Daddy? Will Smith: How would you like to move to the Colorado Rockies? Older Boy: The mountains, Daddy? Girl: Can we have horses? Older Boy: O can we? Can we Daddy? Will Smith: You bet! Kids: Hooray! [South Park, soon after, day. A new four-story mansion rises in a new lot. A crane positions the new fountain in a circular driveway in front of the mansion. Token grins as he watches the laborers work. A limosine and a moving truck pull up behind him. Will Smith and family pour out of the limo] Will Smith: Well, here it is. Our home to be. Jada Pinkett Smith: Oh, Will, it's beautiful. Token: [turns to greet them] Hi! Welcome to the neighborhood! Will Smith: Why thank you, young man. We're the Smiths. Older Boy: Ah, a local boy. You shall be our nwe playmate. I'm Frederick. This is my sister Lisa, and my brother Daniel [the younger boy grins and waves] Token: I'm Token. Lisa: Our daddy is a very famous actor. What does your daddy do? Token: Aah, he's a lawyer. I think. Will Smith: How quaint. Kids, why don't you play with little Token while your mother and I check out the town. Frederick: Very well. Come, local boy. [the kids move off] Show us how to play your mountain games. Token: All right! [rushes to catch up to them, but returns and stops] Thanks, God. [runs to catch up with the others] [Token's mansion, later. Token leads the Smith kids on a tour of the mansion] Token: ...And this is the room where my mom and dad keep their original v-Van Gogh painting. Frederick: Yes, yes, we have one of those, too. In fact, we have seven of them, I believe. Token: [with relief] You do? God, that's great! Daniel: Why? Token: I'm just so happy you guys moved into town. You see, I used to be the only rich kid. All the other families here are kinda [motions a low palm] low to [raises his arm to shoulder level] middle-income. Lisa: Why? What happened to all their money? Token: Well, they never really had any money. Lisa: Well, then, why don't their daddies just act in a movie? Token: Well I... think that.. they... Frederick: Sometimes children must be very firm with their daddies. Lisa: Indeed. Frederick: Like when Daddy doesn't want to act in a movie because he thinks the script is bad. Lisa: So we must plead with him: [falls on her knees] "Please, Daddy, please! It's twenty million dollard, Daddy." Daniel: [falls on his knees] "Please, Daddy, please!" Frederick: [falls on his knees] "Twenty million is still twelve million after taxes, Daddy!" Lisa: "I want a llama, Daddy!" Frederick: "I'd do the picture, Daddy!" Lisa: "Please, Daddy!" Frederick: "Daddy, please!" Lisa: "Daddy, do the movie, Daddy!" Daniel: "But Daddy!" [all three rise] Frederick: And so Daddy does the picture. Token: ...That's ...great. Lisa: Twenty million dollars great. [A recording studio. A rapper is laying down some tracks.] Snoop Dogg: I found a girl who had an innie and I felt her with my jimmy Player-haters try to do me 'cause my rhymes are just tooo- Engineer: Sorry, Snoop Dogg, but Will Smith is on line three for you? Snoop Dogg: Oh. [removes his headphones and answers the telephone] William! How are you buddy? Will Smith: [back in South Park on a public phone] Great, Snoop Dogg, and you? Snoop Dogg: Couldn't be better. I'm just laying down some vocals for my new album. Will Smith: [chuckle] Great, Snoop-Snoop. Listen: Remember how we always talked about wanting to buy property up in the mountains so our kids could ski and ride horses? Snoop Dogg: Oho yes, the kids bug me about it all the time. Will Smith: Well I found the place, Snooty-roo. It's in the Rockies, but totally undiscovered, laid-back, and beautiful. Snoop Dogg: Ogh. It sounds lovely! Will Smith: You really should come give it a look. Jada and I would love for some friends to move here with us. Snoop Dogg: I certainly will, William. And perhaps I'll give ol' Maigc and Kobe Bryant a call. They've been looking for vacation properties as well. Will Smith: Great! Well, let me let you get back to your recording. Snoop Dogg: Hah, see you soon. Bye. [hangs up and puts on his headphones] Will Smith: Bye. [hangs up] Snoop Dogg: Alright, let's take it from the top, g*ng. [the rhythm starts up again and plays for a few seconds...] I shout "Hell Yeah!" from my vehicle. Livin' is a miracle- [South Park, day. Another rich family moves into town. Jimbo, Ned, and Mr. Garrison watch from across the street.] Mr. Garrison: Look, there's more of them moving into our town. [other men join these three. Among them are Randy, Gerald, Stuart, and Skeeter] You know, Oprah Winfrey is building a house up on Cannon, and some Snoop Doggy Doo Doo buildin' a gigantic place up on Main. Jimbo: Yep, there goes the neighborhood. [a sh*t of the new family headed for the house] Mr. Garrison: That's the fifth family of them that's moved here. Seems like all of a sudden South Park is being overrun by those types. Gerald: Hey! W-what are you saying? What "types"? Mr. Garrison: [pointing] Yiou know, those types! Rich people! [sh*t of movers and family members moving furniture into the new home] Jimbo: Oh. I don't take kindly to rich folk. Neither does Ned. Ned: Nnnope. Jimbo: I remember back in the day, RICH folk weren't alLOWED in South Park! Now thery're movin' here in droves! Skeeter: They're gonna be sending their kids to our schools, and mixin' them with our pure, non-rich kids! Mr. Garrison: Oh, yeah, and it won't be long before they drove all of us poor underachieving people out of town with inflated real-estate costs! Skeeter: Damn, I hate those stupid richers! Mr. Garrison: Yeah. [calls out] Hey, rich guy! [a man holding a box of dishes is laughing at something his partner said, but both men look at Mr. Garrison, and the grin vanishes] Hey, Richie Rich! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, richer! What's in the huge box, richer?! Your checkbook? [the men laugh] Jimbo: Yeah. How many rich people does it take to screw in a light bulb? None! They can hire people to do it for them! [the men laugh again] Mr. Garrison: Yeah. Hey, hey, you guys know why richers have such big garages? 'Cause they need a place for all their Porsches and boats and aircraft carriers! [the men laugh. The two black men just look at this crowd] Yeah, that's right, cashchucker! Go have fun with your two million dollar house! [laughs. The two men across the street look at each other, confused, and go into the house with the boxes they pulled from the truck] Jimbo: I guess we showed them! [Another house, nearby. A crane is positioning a swimming pool. Oprah Winfrey directs the workers from the edge of the lawn] Oprah Winfrey: A little to the left. That's great and- Let's put another pool over there. [a kid stands across the street, behind Oprah] Uh huh, good. [close-up in the kid - it's Token. Frederick approaches him from screen left] Frederick: Token, these are Oprah's newly-adopted children, Dominique and Zizi. Dominique and Zizi: Hello. [Lisa and Daniel join Frederick so that Dominique and Zizi are behind them] Token: Hi. A Boy: [enters screen right] Cheerio! Frederick: Ah, and these are Puff Daddy's kids: P Diddy Mini, P Poofy Bite-size, and Poppa Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-size. Token: Wow, my plan to get rich people here sure did work. Hey, I got a great idea! Let's all pack some lunches and go sledding. Lisa: Oh no, we're going shopping. The Kids: [exulting] Shopping! Frederick: Yes, come Token. We're all going to head down to the mall and buy some of the stores. [the group begins to move screen left as Token stands there] Token: Oh. Alright then. [turns right and joins the group] [The local bar, night. It's pretty busy, with people chatting away and enjoying their beer. Some motion is seen outside the doors, and soon they open. Three rich men enter and scan the bar, then move to a nearby table and sit. One of them is Kobe Bryant] Kobe Bryant: 'Scuse me, can ew get a couple of beers here? [the jukebox stops and all the bar patrons look at the new guests.] Skeeter: They've got nice expensive beers for you across the street at the new Wolfgang Puck's. Kobe Bryant: That's alright, we just want some cheap beer tonight. [the men at the bar glare at the three men] Barkeep: ...Maybe you didn't see the sign out front: This bar is for people livin' below their means ONLY! Men: Yeah! Kobe Bryant: This is a free country. I can have a drink wherever I want. Man 1: [stands up and urges] Come on, Kobe, let's just go. Kobe Bryant: []This ain't over! This ain't over by a long sh*t! [leads his two friends out of the bar] Mr. Garrison: [turns to the bar with the others next to him] Those richers are getting snooty. We've got to show those richers they're not welcome here! Ned: Nn-what do you mean? Mr. Garrison: How about tonight, we sneak up to one of their houses, and right on their lawn we'll set f*re to a big lowercase t! Jimbo: Lowercase t? Mr. Garrison: Yeah, for "time to leave"! Bar Patrons: Yeah! Mr. Garrison: Jimbo, you take some folk and build a big wooden lowercase t! I'll take the rest and get some gas and torches ready! Mr. Garrison: Alright! [Kobe's mansion, night. Through a bay window he's seen reading his newspaper in an armchair near a fireplace. A FOOM is heard and a flicker of light is reflected on the walls outside Kobe's house. He notices, takes a hard look, rises from his chair and goes to the front door. He opens it, annoyed, but his expression changes to one of fright. He sees the lowercase t burning on the lawn] Kobe Bryant: Tee. T- Time to- leave? Mr. Garrison: [from some bushes across the street] T is for "time to leave," cashchucker! Kobe Bryant: I'm callin' the police. [moves inside to make the call] Skeeter: I think we scared 'im. Jimbo: Yeah. Next house we'll do a capital T, to show 'em we REALLY mean business! Men: Yeah! [South Park, new polo grounds, day. A group of rich kids gather to begin a polo game. They all ride on ponies.] Frederick: Now Token, polo is very simple. You simply must h*t the williard into some cilium with your fracaman. Token: Well, yeah, but can't we just play without these uncomfortable uniforms? [the other players laugh] Frederick: [playfully jabs Token] "Can't we play without the uniforms?" Yes, um. Lert's eat caviar without Bellini's as well! [the others laugh] Now come, Token, and remeber: it doesn't matter who wins. It matters who wins three times in a row. Tally ho! Players: Tally ho! Player 1: Oh! Player 2: Yay! Player 3: This is exciting. Player 4: Oh, Frederick, this is wonderful! Cartman: What in the hell are they doing? Kyle: Is that fun? Stan: I don't know. We don't have horses, so we can't play. Cartman: Well, let's just play our game, then. Kyle: Alright. Cartman: Alright, I'll start. I'll kick you in the nuts, Kenny! [goes over and kicks Kenny in the nuts - Roshambo has begin!] Kenny: (Ow!) Kyle: I'll kick you in the nuts, Stan! [goes and does so. Kenny kicks Cartman in the nuts. Cartman returns the favor] Stan: I'll kick you in the nuts, Cartman! [leaves Kyle and kicks Cartman in the nuts. When he turns around Kenny kicks him in the nuts.] Cartman: Kick his nutsack! [kicks Kyle in the nuts. Stan kicks Kenny in the nuts. Token rides up and stops to watch the boys while the game continues. Soon, a player and horse ram into his and knocks him and his horse away - It's Frederick.] Frederick: You see, you must pay attention, Token. I was able to jollyrow your davishmere with a forecastle. Token: [rises and dusts himself off as his horse leaves] This game is too confusing. How about we have a snowball fight? Player: A snowball fight? Lisa: How barbaric. Frederick: Yes, Token, if you want to play such savage games, I suggest you go live with lions. [the other players laugh at him as we turns wand walks away from them.] Token: I don't fit in anywhere. [South Park, another part of town. Bill Cosby and his two kids] Bill Cosby: -ar. We're going to the zoo, and we can eat Jerro pudding. [a bus pulls up and he and his kids enter. They find a few seats in the back and head there.] Ah, this is goin' to be fun kids. We're goin' to the zoo, we could eat the Jerro pudding and chocolate cake. Passenger 1: Hey! What are you doing? If you're going to ride the bus in South Park, you're gonna have to sit in the FRONT! Passengers: Yeah Passenger 2: Yeah, that's where the first-class seating is! [points to the front. The Cosbys rise and head for the front, where four seats are empty. His daughter takes a seat to his left, across the aisle, his son takes a window seat, and he takes the aisle seat next to his son.] Passenger 1: Yeah. How do you like that, richer?! Bill Cosby: Well it's very nice, actually Passenger 1: Yeah, I'll bet it is! Bill Cosby: Very, very comfy. Passenger 1: Uh huh, looks like it. [A field, a while later. Token stands there talking to someone] Token: Hello, my name is Token. I don't fit in with all the kids at South Park Elementary so, I invited a bunch of rich kids to move to town. The problem is, I don't fit in with them, either. That's why I've come to live with you. [the camera pulls back to reveal the field is actually a lion's lair. A sign outside the lair says AFRICANUS LIONUS CARNIVORUS. A waterfall gurgles nearby and lions laze about] So if you'll have me and raise me as one of your own, I promise to be the best lion I could be. [two lions growl at him] Uuuh, yeah. [Chef's house, day. Chef is seen shoveling snow off his driveway] Chef: Shovel that snow, babih, it's all nice, heavy and wet. Just- [he hears voices and spins around. A group of rich folk are marching in protest] Millionaire Protesters: We shall perservere. We shall perservere. Oprah Winfrey: You there, come march with us! Chef: For what? Oprah Winfrey: All the poor people in town think they can persecute and harass us decent rich folk. Will Smith: So we're uniting and marching on the town square! Kobe Bryant: [raises his fist a la Black Power] The Million Millionaire March! Millionaire Protesters: Yeah! Oprah Winfrey: Come on, brother! [the protesters resume the march] Chef: But... I'm not rich. Will Smith: [stops and looks at Chef] What? [the others stop] Chef: I'm just a school cafeteria chef. Ahah I don't make much money. Will Smith: We'll give you a hundred dollars. Chef: Woo, fudge the snow now. [tosses the shovel away and joins the march] Millionaire Protesters: We shall perservere. We shall perservere. Chef: [with the others] I shall perservere. We shall perservere. [The lions' lair at the zoo, later. Token takes a raw steak and bites into it, growling] Token: RRrrr!! [rips a piece of steak off with his teeth and chews on it] Girl: [rushes up to the lair cage] Look at the little black lion, Mommy. [her mother passes by with her little sister in a stroller] Mom: He's cute, isn't he? [the girl rejoins her mom and walks away. Two lions growl at each other and stand up, then leap down off their rock and stand next to Token. He move his steak out of their reach] Token: Roar! [the lions step back and look at each other] Lion 1: What are you doing here, boy? Token: You- you talked. I, I understood you. I must be becoming a lion! Lion 2: You're not becoming a lion. The only way you can do that is to see Aslan. Token: Who's Aslan? Lion 1: Very well, walk this way. [they walk off, and Token gets on all fours to follow them. They go through a low entrance into a white cave in the middle of which sits a great lion - Aslan] Aslan: [regal voice] Is this the boy who's been living in our realm? Lion 2: Yes. [two other lions come in and watch] Token: Are... you... Aslan? Aslan: M-I am. Token: [rises] Well, I'm Token Aslan: So, you want to live with the lions, do you? Token: Yes. Um. Great Aslan. I don't fit in anywhere else. Aslan: And what makes you think you can fit it with us? Token: Well, I don't know. Aslan: Do you like jokes? Token: What? Aslan: Jokes! You know, funny, hahaaa. Us lions love jokes. Token: ...I like jokes a lot. Aslan: Mmm. Then there may be hoipe in you yet, young apprentice lion. Very well. We wihill let you stay, if... you can pull this thorn from my paw. [holds up his left paw. Token looks at it, and Aslan moves it closer to him] Go on, try it. Pull my thorn! Come on! Pull my thorm! [Token approaches it and pulls the thron out. Aslan farts and the two escort lions snicker softly] Ho ho ho ho ho ho! Ho ho! [the other lions burst out laughing] Token: So can I stay? Aslan: He-you may. But being a lion may be harder than you think. [The local bar, later. The bar patrons watch a TV as a report is heard. Seen are Mr. Garrison, Randy, Stuart, Skeeter, Gerald, Jimbo, and Ned.] Reporter: [not seen yet] A billion billionaires are gathering their ranks and will be marchng on the town square tonight [now seen on TV] in South Park to petition the end of separate bars, bus seating and restaurants. It looks like it will be a great turnout, as some of the millionaires also paid several thousand Mexicans to march for them. [a marcher carrying a rake and shover hears this and turns around] Skeeter: If they get that petition passed, it's all over. Jimbo: I guess we learned our lesson: you can't fight rich folk; they're just too powerful. Mr. Garrison: Now, come on! Is that any way to talk? Skeeter: They won, Garrison. They can't be scared out of town. Mr. Garrison: No! We just haven't scared them the right way! Think about it. What scares rich people more than anything? [the other men think about this for a second] Jimbo: ...Ghosts? Mr. Garrison: Bingo! Rich people don't want to live in South Park if they think it's HAUNTED! Men: Yeah! Mr. Garrison: Everyonen get some sheets from home! If we can't chase the richers out, we'll spook 'em out! Men: Alright! Yeah! Let's Go! Right! [The zoo, lion's lair, night. The lions have eaten and lay about on the boulders. One by one, they belch and the others laugh. Token sets his bowl down...] Token: Huuuunh [...and walks over to Aslan] Aslan. Aslan: Yes? What is it, young lion apprentice? Token: ...I thnk I'm gonna go home now. Aslan: Home. But I thought your friends made fun of you at home. Token: They do. But, I guess I learned something today. You see, even though kids at South Park make fun of me, I still like hanging around them more than snobby rich kids or, lions. Even though I may be different from them, I still like my old friends best. Aslan: It sounds like you learned much, young lion apprentice. Very well. But before you go, perhaps you would like... a stick of gum? Token: [recalling that lions love jokes] ...No thanks. Aslan: Go on. It's spearmint! Token: No, because there's a spring in there, and if I pull the gum out, it's gonna hurt my finger. Aslan: Oh. So you don't want any gum then? Are you... sure? Go on, try it! Token: [pulls the stick out of the pack, and a small spring-loaded bar hits his thumb] Ow. [half-heartedly] Aslan: [leads the other lions in a bout of hysterics] That is good stuhuff! [continues laughing with the other lions] Token: [under his breath, as he leaves the lair] Jesus, lions suck! [South Park town square, night, in front of the Mayor's office. The billionaires are present, and Will Smith is at the podium] Will Smith: And so it is with great determination that us decent rich Americans have gathered to say: "We will be separated no more!" Millionaires: Hooray! Mayor McDaniels: This certainly has been an enlightening evening. And as Mayor, I accept your petition and will abolish all separation laws. Millionaires: Yeah! Mayor McDaniels: And I want to assure the nation that is watching that South Park is not a town of prejudice or bigotry. Voices: Woooooo!! ["ghosts" appear from behind the various town buildings and rush towards the millioaire crowd. They surround the crowd, still makign ghost noises. The millionaires are startled] Oprah Winfrey: What the-? Mayor McDaniels: [shuts her eyes] God no. [Will Smith moves around not knowing what to do. A "ghost" spooks him] Will Smith: AAAaaahhh! [the "ghosts" begin to disperse the millionaires] Millionaire 1: Carl, do you see what I see? Carl: Yes, Martin. I do believe this town is hainted. [two "ghosts" come up and startle Martin and Carl. Nearby, Will Smith's kids stand in a huddle, scared] Will Smith: Kids! Go find the limo and get in! [the kids hurry off.] Snoop Dogg: [walks up to Smith] You didn't tell me this town was hainted! Will Smith: I didn't know! [grabs Snoop and shakes him] I.. DIDN'T... KNOHOHOHOW... [both men turn and flee as several "ghosts" move in on them. The "ghosts" take their sheets off: it's Skeeter, Mr. Garrison, Gerald, and Randy] Skeeter: It's working! Gerald: They're scared to death! [A mansion, the same one Mr. Garrison and the men saw earlier as they commented on the new richers moving in, night. The family rushes towrads the front door] Millionaire: Pack up your things quickly! We've got to get out of here! [some "ghosts" pop out from the bushes and drive the family away with their haunting noises.] [The town, night. "Ghosts" continue to chase the millionaires around. In the background, Stan leads a group of boys down the street. With him are Kyle, Cartman, Butters, Pip, Tweek, Clyde, and Craig] Stan: Oh hey, there's Token. [Token approaches them from the opposite direction] Token: Hey guys. Stan: Dude, we're gonna play football. Do you wanna play? Token: You mean, you want me around? Stan: Sure, dude, you're our friend. Token: Yeah, I know. But you guys always rip on me for bein' rich. Stan: Dude, just because we rip on you for being rich doesn't mean we don't like you. Kyle: Yeah. We're guys, dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on. We made fun of you for being rich just like we make fun of Butters for being wimpy. Butters: They sure do. Stan: Yeah, like we rip on Kyle for being a Jew. Kyle: Right. Token: That's right, huh? Kyle: And Stan for being in love with Wendy. Stan: Yeah, I get it for that. Kyle: And Cartman for being fat Cartman: Uh huh. Kyle: And Cartman for being stupid Cartman: Yeah. Kyle: And Cartman for having a whore for a mom. Cartman: Hey! Kyle: And Cartman for being a sadistic assh*le Cartman: Ey, you did me already! Token: You're right, guys. From now on, I'm fine with being made fun of for being rich. Stan: Oh, but we're not gonna rip on you for being rich anymore. Token: You're not? Kyle: No dude. Because since you got your feelings so hurt for being ripped on, now we think you're a p*ssy. Stan: [walks past Token] Yeah, so now you're a p*ssy. Pussaholic. Kyle: [walks past Token, behind Stan] Come on, Nurse Token. We're gonna play football, you puss. Cartman: [walks past Token, behind Kyle] p*ssy. [Pip walks by without saying anything] Butters: [walks past Token, behind Pip] Heh yeah, later, puss. Craig: [walks past Token, behind Butters] Ha, that guy's a p*ssy. [drags a sled behnd him. On the sled is Kenny, d*ad and badly b*at up, with his right eye hanging out of its socket. Tweek and Clyde bring up the rear, and Token looks as they leave him behind] Token: [turns to face the other boys] Wait! I liked being ripped on for being rich better! [walks behind the other boys] [The rich enclave, later. The men of South Park have succeeded in chasing the rich folks out of town, and they gather in front of a mansion. They take off their sheets] Skeeter: That was it. We just saw the last of them speeding away in a van! Men: Alright! Gerald: They were so scared, I'm sure they'll never be back! Mr. Garrison: That's great! And now we can sell all their homes, and become... millionaires! Men: [confused] What? Jimbo: But then you had us do all that for nothin'. Don't you see: If you get rich sellin' these homes, then there will still be rich people in South Park. Randy: Yeah. You'd become what you hate. Mr. Garrison: Well yeah, but at least I got rid of all those damn ni- [End of Here Comes the Neighborhood]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "05x12 - Here Comes The Neighborhood"}

foreverdreaming

[Unplanned Parenthood, day. It has undergone renovation, so it looks softer. It's snowing outside] [Inside, operating room. A woman is waiting on a hospital bed. She's quite pregnant. A doctor enters the room with a cart housing everything he needs for his work, and approaches the bed] Doctor: Alright, Ms. Sanders, all ready for your abortion? [picks up her chart and reads as canned laughter is heard] Ms. Sanders: Ready as I'm ever going to be, I guess. [the laughter quiets down a bit, but still rolls] Doctor: Well, try to relax; It will all be over very soon. [more laughter] Ms. Sanders: Docter, can we turn off that television? [switch to a wide sh*t of the room, and the television is seen. On screen is a comedy skit featuring Benny Hill and an elderly man. That's where the laughter comes from] Doctor: [looks up first] Oh yes, I 'm sorry. [moves to turn off the set and a close-up of the skit is shown: Benny Hill, dressed as a constable, raps the old man on the head and then shoos him along. The set is turned off, and the doctor returns to the woman's bed.] Now, there is one more thing. Ms. Sanders: What? Doctor: Have you heard of stem-cell research? Ms. Sanders: Uh-I've heard of it on the news, but... I don't know what it is. Doctor: Well basically, a lot of amazing studies have shown that stem cells might be used to fight cancer and a myriad of other diseases. Right now, a lot of stem cells come from the tissue of aborted fetuses- [taps the woman's leg] ah I'm sorry, unwanted children. And if you sign a release, that tissue can go to studies Ms. Sanders: Oh well, I suppose, if it can help others. Doctor: The hope is that someday it might. [hands her the release form and she signs it] Ms. Sanders: Well okay. [hands the form back to him] Doctor: Great. [puts the form inside the cart] Well, here we go. [puts on his gloves] [Hallway outside operating room. The sounds of abortion are heard, but the operation itself isn't seen. A janitor passes by with a vacuuum cleaner. The OR door opens and the doctor steps out with a small container] Doctor: Nurse? [a nurse arrives] This is to go to Alder's Labs for stem-cell research. Nurse: Yes, Doctor. [The nurse takes the container and goes to the room next door. She types in a keypad combination and a song starts up: Willie Nelson's "On The Road Again." She pours the contents of the container into a biohazard bag and places the back into a secure box. Outside, an Alder's Research Group truck backs up to the loading dock on the hside of Planned Parenthood. Clinic personnel gather the boxes and place them insde the truck's trailer. Once the last box is in they close the trailer and the truck rolls away.] [The highway, moments later. The truck rolls along to "On The Road Again." and the driver joins in the singing] Truck Driver: ...going places that I've never been Seeing things that I may never see a- Uuugh! [a deer leaps into the read ahead of him and looks at him] Jesus Christ!! [swerves to avoid the deer and goes over a cliff, tumbling down its side. It lands somewhere below with its contents spilled all over the place. The driver is k*lled on impact, but the song continues to play...] [The highway, moments later. A Big Wheel rounds a corner...] Cartman: [rides along] My baby takes the morning train and she takes another home again. Hmm. [sees the trashed truck and its contents] What do we have heah? [strokes his chin] [A cow pasture, later. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sit among the cows burning cow dung. Kenny holds the match and lighter. The cows around them are grazing] Stan: Well that b*rned a long time. Kyle: Yeah, that was pretty good. [a cow near them drops five pellets and walks off] Stan: [all three rush to the new dung] Oh dude, there goes one. Kyle: [to Kenny] 'K go! [Kenny strikes a match and lights the dung, which yields a nice f*re] Stan, Kyle: Alright! Kenny: (That's awesome) [coughs heavily] Kyle: You've had that cough a while, Kenny. You okay? Kenny: (All right. I'm fine.) Butters: [rushing up to them] Hehehey, fellas! Ah, hey fellas! Stan: What, Butters? Butters: Eric says you gotta come to his house right away. Stan: Tell him we're busy. Butters: Oh, ah, well, he knew you'd say that, so, he told me to tell you that you don't wanna miss this. Kyle: What, did he lose a hundred pounds? [the boys laugh] Butters: Yeah, he ah knew you'd say that, too, so he said t'say, ah, up your ass, Jew. [the boys stop laughing and look at him] Yeah. Stan: Alright, let's go see what he wants. [the boys turn right and leave. Butters stays behind and looks at the melted turds. He approaches, squats, and sticks his finger in it] Butters: Oh, it's all sticky. [wipes his finger off on his coat, leaving a streak of turd on it] [Cartman's house, minutes later. The three other boys approach him in the living room. Cartman can barely contain his glee.] Kyle: Alright, Cartman! What's so important you had to pull us away from lighting cow crap on f*re?! Cartman: Oh you guys, you're not gonna believe it! Stan: What? Cartman: Guess what I have sitting in my back yard? Kyle: A trampoline? Cartman: Better. Stan: A boat? Cartman: Better. Kenny: (A football machine?) Cartman: Better. Stan: Well WHAT, Cartman? Cartman: Thirty-three aborted fetuses. [the boys look back at him for a long time] Oh yes. Kyle: ...What? [closes his eyes in disbelief] Cartman: Mint condition, tax free. Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing with aborted fetuses?! Kyle: I'm leaving right now! [turns and heads for the door] Cartman: Oh, I guess you don't watch the news, Kyle! Kyle: [turns around] You've never watched the news, fatass! [rejoins Stan and Kenny] And what the hell does that have to do with anything?! Cartman: Stem cells, numbnuts! Stan: Stem cells? Kyle: Oh, and what do you know about stem cells?! Kenny: (What the f*ck are stem cells?) Kyle: They're cells that come from fetuses, and some research show that they could be used to treat diseases. Cartman: [points at Kyle] It's been proven, Jew! I saw it on 3-2-1 Contact. With all the research that's going on, stem cells are worth three times their weight in gold. What I have in my back yard is an aborted treasure chest. Kyle: ...I hate you so much. [turns around and heads back for the door again. The others turn and follow. Kenny coughs again.] Cartman: Fine! I don't need you assholes! I can sell these fetuses all on my own! [Cartman's house, later. He's up in his room placing cold calls to business he finds in the Yellow Pages.] Cartman: Hello. Is this theee University of Colorado Biology Department? ...Great, uh I understand you're corrently doing research on stem cells? Kewl, because I'm currently in possession of somesah aborted fetuses that I'm looking to unload? ...Uh, how much do you pay? ...No, no, come on, ah I got a guy who's gonna give me eighty dollars a pound right now. ...How about a hundred? ...Oh you're breaking my balls- I, I'll think about it. [later] Bosnod Medical Group? ...Yeah, I called earlier about the stem cells and the fetuses? ...Okay, hi Randy, yeah. ...Oh yes, they've been kept in a cool temperature, yeah. ...These are primo fetuses, Randy, I wouldn't jerk you around. ...So what can your company give me for 'em? ...Oh Randy, you're breaking my balls here. ...You're breaking my balls, Randy. [later] Oh plehease! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for seventy cents on the dollar? You tell me, Chuck? ...Yeah, I didn't think so-You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck. I wasn't born yesterday, either. Uh huh. ...So are you gonna talk to me, or are we just gonna keep bullshitting each other? Breakin' my balls, Chuck. [later] I gotta unload these fetuses, you wannan do some research. Are we talkin' here or what? You're breaking my balls. ...I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a fetal mistake. [suddenly grins and covers the receiver with his right hand] That's a joke [removes his hand from the receiver] ...A hundred ten. ...Alright, alright, we got a deal. ...Good bye. [hangs up and relaxes, putting his feet up on his desk and his hands behind his head] Damn I'm good. [Alder Research Group, some days later. Cartman enters, hauling the thirty-three aborted fetuses behind him in a wagon. Workers around the lab move stuff around] Receptionist: Can I help you? Cartman: Yes, I'm making a delivery of these fetuses hyam? Receptionist: Oh, right, the fetuses. We were very lucky you called. Our last shipment of fetuses was lost in a truck accident. Cartman: [rips out a bill...] Gee, that's terrible. So, uh who do I talk to about payment? Researcher: [in the background, walking by] This is awful, just awful! Receptionist: Oh Larry! This young man has some new fetuses for research. Cartman: [picks up and carries a box] You're gonna love these fetuses, Larry. They're top notch Larry: [the researcher] Oh well, I'm sorry, but we can't buy those from you now. Cartman: ...What?! We made a deal, Larry! I brought them all the way down here already! Larry: I'm afraid the government has just put a ban on stem-cell research. Receptionist: A ban? Why? Larry: Too many people were upset about using aborted fetal tissue for a study. It's too bad, too. We really coulda helped a lot of people. Cartman: [Carman's mouth opens in disbelief, then he gets angry] Ay! What the hell am I supposed to do with these things, huh?! God-damnit! [throws the box down on the floor, breaking it and spilling its contents. Now there are thirty-two aborted fetuses] [South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom] Stan: Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again. Kyle: [he and Stan take their seats] Yeah, they're gonna get busted again. Ms. Choksondik: [enters carrying a few books] Alright, class, let's take our seats. [sets the book down on her desk and turns to the class] Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office. Stan: The principal? Aw, come on! Kyle: We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik! Ms. Choksondik: She needs to see you now! [points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan] Kyle: Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat. [Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle enter expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey] Principal Victoria: Hello, boys. Stan: Wait. What's going on here? [he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them] Kyle: Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know. Mr. Mackey: [Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey] You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. [the boys each take a chair and sit down] Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. [the boys look stunned] And well, he's pretty sick. [Sharon leans on Randy] Kyle: Kenny's sick? Stan: Well how sick? Chef: Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease. Stan: [after a pause] ...but... the doctors are gonna make him better, right? Sharon: Oh dear. [buries her face in Randy's shoulder] Stan: Mom? That's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better. Sharon: Randy... Randy: They don't think so, Stanley. Your... your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th that means he's going to be going to heaven soon. Kyle: Wait. Kenny's going to die? Gerald: ...He might, Kyle. Stan: [tearing up] ...But... he's our... fu... fufu friend. Mr. Mackey: We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever. Stan: No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! [buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing] [Cartman's hosue, day. He's upstairs in his room placing cold calls anew.] Cartman: Come on, Jack, you gotta be able to offer me more than that. ...Yes, I realize there's a ban on stem-cell research, but I've got thirty-some-odd human fetuses in my backyard! I'm sure there's other research your company can do with them. ...You'll take one? Okay, how much for one? ...Aw, Jack, you're breaking my balls here, Jack. [later. There are now thirty-one] Yes, hello, is this Captain Bly's Seafood Restaurant? ...Yeah, hi, I've got a shipment of about thrity-one of the most succulent shrimp from the West Indies. ...These are k*ller shrimp, Gary, your customers are gonna love 'em. ...What kind of price you payin' for shrimp? ...Oh, Gary, you're breakin' my balls, Gary. How about ten and a quarter? ...Balls, Gary. Breakin' 'em. ...Alright, I'll call you back. [hangs up and sighs deeply] Liane: [opens the door and looks in] Sweetie, your friends are downstairs. They need to see you. Cartman: Not now, Mom, I've only unloaded three feti; I've gotta sell the rest before they spoil. Liane: They say it's an emergency. Cartman: [shifts in his chair] Buh, alright. [Liane leaves] eh Butters? Butters: [steps into view in Cartman's room] Uhyeah? Cartman: Are you through databasing the clientele sheet? Butters: Eh just about. Cartman: [leaving his chair and heading for his door] Alright, well, you gotta take over the telemarketing for a bit. Butters: Oh. Well, uhokay. [approached Cartman's chair and hops on] Cartman: [turns around] Just remember what I taught you and follow protocol. Next number to try is on the list. Butters: Right. [picks up the phone and checks out the next number. Cartman leaves. Butters starts dialing] Uh hello? Is this Mr. Thompson with Anatomy Research? ...Yes, uh, hello sir. Uh, aah, we have a surplus of unborn fetuses that we think you can use for a ...dissection study. Uh huh, ah, how much do you pay for that? ...You're breaking my balls. ...I said, you're breaking my balls, Mr. Thompson. ...My, my balls. [Living room, moments later. Cartman reaches the foot of the stairs.] Cartman: What is this, a PTA meeting? [before him stand his mother, Sheila, Kyle, and Stan. Stan's head hangs forward as he looks down] Kyle: Cartman. [pause] Kenny's in the hospital. Cartman: [sadness flashes across his face] In the ...hospital? Why? Kyle: They told us he has a m-muscular disease. An and, that ...and that he, he might die. [Stan raises his head and looks at Kyle] Cartman: [more worried] Die? Kenny? Stan: [looks up at Kyle] Don't you say that! Kenny's not gonna die! Sheila: I'm going to go take the guys to go see him at the hospital, Eric. We thought you might wanna come. Cartman: Yeah. Yeah, of course. [turns and goes up the stairs] [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Kenny lies in a bed in a patient room with an IV unit attached] Doctor: [fixing an IV for Kenny] There we go, little buddy. Kenny: (Thank you, Doc.) Doctor: You sure you don't wanna take your jacket off; it's pretty warm. Kenny: (I'm all right) Nurse: Hey, look who has some visitors. [walks in with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman] Doctor: Hmm, what a lucky little man. We'll be right outside if you need us, Kenny. [the nurse and doctor leave the room.] Kyle: [volunteers] Hey dude, how's it going? Kenny: (I'm okay, I guess.) Cartman: We got you a present: it's a Gobo fighter. Kyle: Heh, don't, don't tell him what it is, dude. Cartman: Heh, sorry. [Stan remains speechless. Kenny looks at his friends and coughs violently] Kyle: Hey, uhwe were all just talkin' about how when you get better, we're all gonna go down to Stark's Pond again and go camping. Huh, Stan? Stan: [finds his voice] I- [looks at Kenny, then at Kyle, then at Kenny, and rushes out the door] [Hell's Pass Hospital, day, outside. Stan rushes out the front door, Kyle pursuing] Kyle: [looks around] Stan? [sees him and follows] Stan, where are you going? Stan: I can't, I just can't. Kyle: Dude, he needs us right now. Stan: [turns around] I can't see him like that, Kyle. All those hoses and wires. He's a kid, dude. He's s'posed to be running around and laughing. Kyle: I, I know it's tough but- [Stan turns away] Look at me! [turns him back around] I know it's tough, okay?! I know! But we have to be tough right now! Stan: And what are we supposed to do, huh?! Stand in that room and keep making small talk?! Make believe like everything's okay?! I CAN'T DO IT! Kyle: Look, however hard you think it for you, it's a lot harder for him! Stan: [turns around and walks away] Just leave me alone! Kyle: Stan, you can't leave! Stan: [turns once more, with tears in his eyes] I'm not the one who's leaving, he is! [turns and leaves. Kyle turns to go back to the hospital, but sighs silently] [Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Kenny's room. Cartman was left alone with Kenny as Kyle went after Stan] Cartman: [with emotion in his voice] ...You know, it's funny, Kenny. Stan and Kyle have always sort of two best friends, you know, and... well I I don't know if I ever told you this, Kenny, but um... I kind of always thought you were my best f-friend. I don't know. Kenny: (Eric, well you're my best friend, too.) Hurse: [opens the door and looks in] Okay, we're gonna need to get Kenny some time to sleep now. Cartman: Dont you worry, Kenny. I I'm gonna find a cure for you. Everything's gonna be okay! [walks towards the door. The nurse leaves, then Cartman exits] [Hospital corridor, Hell's Pass Hospital. Cartman appears outside the door with a long face, chokes up, and faces the wall to cry] Kyle: [returning to Kenny's room] Cartman? Cartman: [composes himself] Oh, Kyle. Hey, what's goin' down, Jew-boy? [lets out a sniffle] Kyle: Cartman, were you... crying? Cartman: [takes a few steps away from Kyle] No! No, I mean, I, I got somethin' in my eyes. It's this uh, the air in here is just uh. [breaks down again, but tries to hide it] Oh man. Kyle: Hey Cartman. [Cartman looks up and turns around] I care a lot about him, too. [Cartman wells up again, and Kyle walks over to hold him] Cartman: I'm gonna find a cure, Kyle. I swear to God I'm gonna find a cure Kyle: [comforting him] Sure you will, Cartman. Sure you will. [Alder Research Group, next day. Inside, employees are packing away their computers and other office equipment] Larry: [enters with Cartman] This is where the bulk of our research was being done. But due to the government ban, we're mostly just packing things up. Cartman: Doctor, can you tell me exactly how stem cells work? Larry: Look, you have trillions of cells in your body: heart cells, skin cells, brain cells, and so on. But before a cell is designated as a toenail cell or a pancreas cell, it's what we call a stem cell. Sort of like a black cell. Do you understand? Cartman: Not at all, but go on. [they both turn and approach a table. On the table is a cag with a rat inside it.] Larry: Because these cells are blanks, they will often program themselves based on what cells you put around them. You see this rat? Earlier this year, we surgically removed the middle of her spine. then we injected her with some stem cells and... they became the mising part of the spine. Cartman: My God... Larry: Nerve cells damaged by Parkinson's disease or heart tissue of cardiac patients might ultimately be replaced by tissue grown from stem cells. Cartman: So then, could stem cells be used on someone whose muscle tissue is wasting away? Ihin other words, if a little boy was dying from a muscular disease, the stem cells could become new muscle tissue. Larry: That's the theory. Cartman: Well, so then, if the stem cells are placed nest to s Shakey's Pizza, they would become another Shakey's Pizza! And you'd have your own Shakey's Pizza where you didn't have to charge yourself to eat! Larry: Well, no. To build another Shake's it would be better to use lumber. Cartman: Hmmm. Larry: But, unfortunately, the government has banned stem cell research and so... we'll never know. Cartman: Looks like someone is gonna have to try and change the government's mind. [turns around and heads for the exit] Larry: Where are you going? Cartman: There's a pretty brave kid fighting for his life in the hospital right now, doctor. I'm gonna get him some bigger boxing gloves. Larry: Hey kid. [music stops, then a pause] Give 'em hell. Give 'em hell. [strikes his fists together, one over the other. Cartman returns the gesture with a thumbs-up, then walks off... then stops] Cartman: Oh, doctor. [Larry turns around. Cartman has his thumb up] Thanks. Thanks. [Larry returns the gesture with his own thumb up, and Cartman leaves again.] Larry: Oh, hey kid. [Cartman returns] Good luck. Good luck. [Cartman gives a thumb up, walks away, then backs up] Cartman: Oh, and doctor. ...Ah, never mind. [walks away] [Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Kenny's room. The McCormicks, Kyle, and Chef are present. Kyle has with him a bunch of get-well cards from the other students in his class. The bed is seen from an angle] Kyle: ...And see? Here's one from Butters. It says, "We can't wait to see you back in school, Kenny." And it has a picture of him and you in a little airplane! [shows him the picture: Butters and Kenny are in a little yellow biplane] Chef: Oh, isn't that nice? You've got lots of friends, don't you Kenny? Kenny: (Yes.) [coughs a bit] (But what about Stan?) Kyle: Stan? Oh. Well, no, there's nothing here from Stan, but, well, Stan's gonna come and see you real soon, I bet, Kenny. Kenny: (I hope so) Nurse: [opens the door] Hey, look who's here. Kenny: [perks up a bit] (Stan??) Woman: [walks in with balloons and an assistant] Hello, Kenny, I'm Laura Jones, and this is Bob Ferrin. Bob: We're with the Make-A-Wish Foundation. [a cameraman walks in and moves to the head of Kenny's bed] Ms. McCormick: Oh, Kenny, isn't that nice? Kenny: (The Make-A-Wish Foundation?) Laura: We travel the country given special little boys and girls like you their biggest wish. Kyle: Neat, huh Kenny? Kenny: (Yes.) Laura: So Kenny, if you could have ONE wish, what would it be? [there's no answer. A moment of silence] Bob: What's your wish, pal? Kenny: (I guess the only thing I wish is to not die.) Laura: What did he say? Kyle: He said his wish is not to die. [a long stretch of silence in which the cameraman looks from person to person.] Laura: ...O-kay, and, what if you're gonna have two wishes, what would the second one be? Bob: I know! I bet you wanna meet Madonna, huh? Kenny: (No. f*ck' Madonna...) [his words trail off and are hard to understand] Bob: Wu what was that? Kyle: He said Madonna is an old anorexic whore who wore out her welcome years ago, and that now she suddenly speaks with a British accent and she thinks she can play guitar and she should go f*ck herself. [the Foundation reps are stunned. Madonna appears in the doorway] Madonna: Should I come in now? Bob: Uh no not quite yet. [The cow pasture, day. Stan has come here to reflect on Kenny's hospitalization. He sits on a log resting his head on his hands and watches as a cow drops a load of dung next to the log. He strikes a match and toses it on the dung. The dung lights up and burns] Chef: [approaches] Hello there, children. Stan: Hey Chef. Chef: How's it goin'? Stan: Bad. Chef: Yeah. Things have been better. Stan: Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my fr-f-f-friend. Why can't God take someone else's f-f-friend? Chef: [sighs] Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it, so he doesn't care who he takes.Children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand. Stan: But then, why does God give us anything to start with? Chef: Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then it would have nothin' to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and help just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power. [pause] Stan: I thnk I understand. [Capitol Hill, Washington DC] Cartman: My name is Eric Cartman and I live in Colorado. My best friend in the whole world is Kenny McCormick and he, he's sick right now. He's real sick. He's only eight years old and his doctors don't think he has very long to live. Look, I realize that using the tissue from aborted fetuses for research is a touchy subject, but... All I know is that if there's a chance, a... chance that stem-cell research could save my best friend's life, well... I guess I owe it to him to try and change your minds. [a sh*t of Congress] I love Kenny McCormick and... [sob] I want you to love him too. [cries as Congresspeople look to each other] And I uh, I'm not the best speaker in the world. Maybe I can put it best in the words of a timeless song [takes a deep breath] It was the heat of the moment telling me what your heart meant The heat of the moment shone in your eyes I never meant to be so bad to you One thing I said that I would never do Congressman 1: One look from you and I would fall from grace. Congressman 2: And that would wipe the smile right from my face. Congressman 1, Cartman: Do you remember when we used to dance? [three Congressmen perform the following: two lep slaps and a clap] A few Congressmen: And incidents arose from circumstance? [more Congressmen perform the moves] Everyone: One thing led to another; we were young [everyone does the moves, and the result is thunderous] And we would scream together songs unsung It was the heat of the moment Telling me what our hearts meant The heat of the moment shone in your eyes [Cartman raises his voice to the G above middle C] [Planned Parenthood, day. Cartman, in shirt and tie, is outside with clipboard in hand, talking to a woman about to have an abortion.] Cartman: And so you see, now that the ban on stem-cell research has been lifted, we can sell your fetus to compnaies like Alder Labs. Woman: Oh, I don't know. Cartman: Look, I can offer you seventy-five dollars for that fetus right now, Jill. Jill: Seventy-five dollars? Well, alright. Cartman: [hands the clipboard over for her to sign the release form] Great, just sign right here, please. [another woman arrives] Hi. Havin' an abortion today? [Jill hands him the clipboard back, then heads for the clinic] Great. [to the second woman] Listen, if you'd like to sell your abortion for research I'm offering uh, seventy-five dollars. Help you out a little bit with your medical bill in there. [she nods and reaches for the clipboard.] And you sign right here. [hands her the clipboard and she signs. A couple passes by] Uh excuse me, ma'am. Can I interest you in selling your aborted fetus? [the second woman enters the clinic] Woman 2: We're not going to the abortion clinic. I'm going to have this baby. Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, because uh, there's a little boy dying in a hospital right now who sure could use that baby more than you could. The stem cells from your fetus could help save his life. Man: Oh. Well, I guess we can always... just make another one. Woman 2: Oh Mark, I love you. Cartman: Alright! Now Kenny has a fighting chance. [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan enters with a package, his faith renewed, his confidence strong, and makes his way down the hall, passing people as he goes] Head nurse: [at her station] Young man, do you know where you're going? [a man sits at a sofa opposite the station] Stan: Yeah. I'm gonna see my friend, because he needs me right now. Head nurse: All right! [Stan passes a man in a wheelchair] Man In Wheelchair: Go kid! [Stan passes a man on crutches] Man On Crutches: Good for you! [Stan passes a doctor and nurse, and they smile] [Hell's Pass Hospital, Kenny's room. Stan enters happily] Stan: Hey, Kenny! [grins, then is stunned. From another angle, Stan looks around and finds the room empty. Kenny is gone.] Oh no. [Kyle walks up to the room, but stays outside] No. Kyle: He just... He just... stopped breathing. And it was over. Stan: But... [a sh*t of the bed reveals a teddy bear on the floor] I didn't get to see him. Hell I, I didn't get to sssay good-bye. [another sh*t of the bed reveals a teddy bear on the floor] Did he say anything before he went? Kyle: He just said... "Where's Stan?" [First Church of South Park,some days later, day. The camera looks up at some lights, then pans down as it back up to focus on the altar] Mr. Garrison: And so, we will all miss Kenny, his playful laughter, his innocent smile. But we will never forget that it was because of brave Kenny that stem-cell research was allowed to continue. Stan: I let Kenny down. I'm his worst f-f-f-friend. [the doors fly open and Cartman walks in. He sees his friends and they look back.] Cartman: You guys! Come quick! [Stan and Kyle look surprised] Kyle: What, Cartman Cartman: It's... [Cartman turns around] Why, it's a miracle, you guys! [rushes out the door to a spot on the side of the road. Stan and Kyle follow.] [Outside, day. Cartman stops, but still bounces from joy. Stan and Kyle join him] Stan: What, Cartman? What's happened? Cartman: Look. [across the street stands a Shakey's Pizza] I put the stem cells from all the fetuses I had next to a Shakey's, and they ARE replicating a new Shakey's! [oozing sounds are heard as a new Shakey's is indeed rising up next to the current one] It worked! [Kyle is shocked.] Stan: This whole time, you were just using Kenny's illness to lift the ban on stem cell research so you could sell your stupid fetuses? Cartman: Stupid fetuses? It's my own Shakey's! Kyle: I actually hugged you. I held you in my arms and, and, cried with you. Cartman: I think I only need a hundred or so more aborted babies, [Kyle turns and faces him angrily] and I can finish up the kitchen. Kyle: AAARGH! [jumps up on Cartman and starts pummeling him. Cartman tosses him off] Cartman: Aah! Kyle! [Kyle punches him across the face a few times] Kyle! [Kyle delivers a series of punches to the chest] Stan: Hey, I wasn't Kenny's worst f-f-f-friend! [Kyle gives Cartman a good roundhouse right and Cartman falls on the ground, face first.] Cartman was! [Kyle continues beating Cartman up] [End of Kenny Dies]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "05x13 - Kenny Dies"}

foreverdreaming

[Butters' home, night. Butters enters the living room with a gift in hand. He walks up to his parents. His mom is polishing an end table while his father reads the newspaper on the sofa beside it.] Butters: Heh-alright, Mom, I'm all done wrappin' Dad's anniversary present for ya. Dad: Oh, is it soneone's anniversary soon? [lets out a chuckle] Mom: [puts her hands on her hips] Oh, you! Dad: Just kidding. [lowers the newspaper and takes the gift from Butters and shakes it] Oh, I wonder what it is. Butters: It's a- [covers his mouth for a second, then looks down] Awww, shucks, [looks at his dad] I can't tell you. Uh but it's really nifty. Dad: Well, looks like we're gonna have to do somethin' extra-special for Mommy and Daddy's anniversary this year. How about on Saturday we all go have dinner at Bennigan's! Butters: Bennigan's?? Oh, boy, you mean it?? [starts running around the coffee table in excitement] Whoopee, at Bennigan's I'm goona get the Rain Champ baby-back ribs! [stops and bounces with excitment] Mom: Calm down there, cowboy. You've still got four days. Butters: Four days? Oh, I don't know how I'm gonna wait that long! [A montage of Butter's previous appearances in South Park fills the screen. Then the picture of Butters with a Barbie doll grows to fill the screen. Then as this chorus is song, the following scenes appear: Butters at Picture Day - a lock of hair pops straight up as his picture is taken. He tries out for Fingerbang. He turns around and is about to show his "fruit bowl." He puts on a condom. He's with Token and Timmy at the drogstore. He says a few lines in the "Helen Keller! The Musical" play. He gets his hair cut at the David Blaine complex. He's with his fellow Angels, then slides down a rope and bumps into Mr. Garrison, then hops off.] Choir: Who's the boy who can laugh at a storm cloud? Turn a frown into a smile for free? Who's the kid with the heart full of magic? Everyone know it's Butters! ['It's "The Butters Show"' appears over a wallpaper design of Butters' head. This is the show's splash screen] Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me. [Next scenes: Butters in Mr. Mackey's basement. Butters tied to the feet of the Provider, a statue of John Elway. Butters keeping his class informed of what the kindergartners were doing while the class practices its play. Butters asking a question in class about using shit in the expletive. Butters delivering a tape to a reporter. Butters peeking through a door in the hotel NAMBLA is meeting at. Butters figuring out how to open the condom. Stan grabbing Butters angrily. Butters rubbing some cow dung on his jacket after finding the dung sticky. Butters calling upon Pele to make his volcano work.] Choir: Who's the boy with the eyes full of wonder? Thinks being yourself is the best thing to be? Who's that rascal with the tweezers in his pocket? Everyone know it's Butters! Butters: [In the splash screen, claps his fists together in the hole] That's me. [Next scenes: Butters jumps into a puddle. Butters runs down the hall to the theater proper. Butters petting a white goat. Butters holds a picture of himself and John Elway. Butters talking in the playground, holding his tooth. Kyle finds Butters on the street, after Butters tags a wall. Butters in a truck, wth hockey mask on his head. Butters wondering how to not get anthr*x. Butters as a Confederate officer. Butters taking over for Cartman on the phone. Butters talking in class. Butters talking to some kids in the playground. Butters as a gas station attendant after the adults are sent to prison for molesting their children. Butters with Stan and Kyle in the orientation meeting at David Blaine's complex. Butters at his window. Butters fainting after holding his breath too long trying to not get anthr*x.] Choir: Jumpin' in puddles, skippin' down the hallway Pettin' at the petting zoo. He loves John Alway. [Butters, with pic of himself and John Elway, corrects the choir: "Elway!"] Who's that tyke with the cutest little dimples, Battin' his eyes at every puppy he sees? If you look inside yourself, you might be surprised when you find A little boy named Butters! Butters: [In the splash screen, the hole he was in is gone] Thaat's that's me, [brings his fists together twice.] Yeah. [walks off to his left]. [Return to Butters' living room. His mom is dusting off a portrait on the wall as his dad returns to reading the newspaper] Butters: [making calculations on a sheet of paper at the coffee table] Three more days till we eat at Bennigan's. That's s-seventy-two hours. Aw gee whiz. Dad: [rises and walks over to Mom] Well, if you two will excuse me, I need to go and buy a certain special lady her anniversary present. [hugs her gently] Mom: I hope he means me, haha. [Dad turns and walks to the door.] Butters: Don't be silly, Mom. Of course he means you. Dad: [at the front door] I'll be back in a little bit. [Butters rises to see him off] Butters, you're in charge of the house. Butters: [salutes] Yes sir! [Dad exits and closes the door. Butters moves back to the table.] Mom: [walking towards the door] Oh, I wonder what he's gonna get me this year? Butters: We won't know until we're at Bennigan's. Mom: [walks around Butters to the other end of the coffee table] Every year it's the same. Your father gets me some great gift and my gift to him falls short. [walks away towards the camera and stops, wondering] I've just got to outdo him this year, I've just got to. Butters: Dad's a good shopper all right. Mom: [kneels beside Butters] Butters, maybe you could secretly follow your dad and see what he's getting me. Butters: You mean, spy on him? Uh but... ain't that kind of like... fibbin'? Mom: [rises and goes to the computer] No, it's a little different. You remember when the nice policeman gave yuu a badge and made you an honorary inspector? [takes a badge from the desk and shows it to Butters.] Butters: Sure I do! Mom: Why, I think Inspector Butters could find out what Daddy'd getting Mommy without him ever knowing. [hands the badge to Butters, who puts it on] What do you say? Butters: [salutes her] Inspector Butters in on the case, ma'am! [walks away] ["The Butters Show" splash screen, but now only "Butters" is on the screen.] Choir: Everyone know it's Butters! Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] Uh, that's me! [South Park, night, the seedy side of town. Butter's father walks down the street and stops at a corner. He sees a pawn shop across the street and walks towards it. He turns and faces the street for a few seconds, then puts on a hat and turns up the collar on his shirt. He walks back the way he came. Butters has arrived and sees him from behind a bush across the street. Butters has on his own disguise - a handlebar mustache - and carries a note pad, on which he takes notes of his father's every move. He pops out from behind the bush. His father looks around to make sure no one is following and arrives at Studcat Theater to see "Fisting Firemen 9." He looks around as he enters, and the doors close behind him] Butters: [takes down the info he sees] Hm. Dad's going to see a movie. How nice. [Butters' father soon leaves the theater and walks towards a men's bath house, the White Swallow Spa. He arrives and rings the doorbell. He looks around both ways and enters as soon as the buzzer sounds. Butters looks on from behind a trash can across the street] Butters: [writes down] "White Swallow Bath House" ["The Butters Show" splash screen] Choir: Everyone know it's Butters! Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] Uh, that's me! [Butters' hosue, night. He's returned from his tour of espionage and finds his mother in the kitchen cutting carrots into slices] Butters: I'm back, Ma! Mom: Oh, hi sweetie. Did you get to follow your dad around? Butters: I sure did. [walks over to the breakfast table and takes a seat] Dad sure had a nice night out. Mom: Well, did you see what he got me for our anniversary? Butters: Well first, he went to see a movie. Mom: A movie? Hmmm. I wonder why he'd wanna see a movie by himself. Butters: I don't know. But it wasn't the movie theater at the mall. No, it was that, really old theater downtown. The Studcat. [Mom freezes] I didn't know it was open. [a look of dread is on her face] Mom: Wait a minute. What was the movie called? Butters: "Fisting Firemen 9" [her dread turns to shock] I've never seen 1 through 8. Mom: Oh my God... Butters: Uh but it must have been a real short movie, though, because Dad came out, like, ten minutes later. ...And it must have been a sad film, too, because, he had a bunch of tissue paper with him when he came out. Poor old Dad, the movie really got to him. Mom: Butters, where did Daddy go after the movie? Butters: To the gym. Mom: To the gym. Butters: Yeah. The White Swallow Spa. Mom: [stung by that revelation] Gaah! Butters: Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds o' guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for firteen minutes straight! Mom: [really shocked] ...Butters? Are you sure about this? You have to be absolutely sure! Butters: Inspector Butters gets all the facts. I even got some neato pictures. [holds them up for his mom to see. She walks over and takes them from him. She sees her husband gong into the theater, then into the spa, then being rammed by a man from behind...] The only thing I can't figure out is why dad told you he was goin' shoppin' for yoru present when he was goin' out to see the movies an' wrestlin'. [his mom faints right to the floor] Oh, did you have a nice "trip," Mom? See you next "fall." Hahaha, yo- Ma? ["The Butters Show" splash screen] Choir: ...Butters! Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] Uh, that's me! [Butters' house, day. He's working with Lego blocks at the coffee table while his mom works on the wall behind him, painting over one shade of green with a lighter shade. Her hair is a mess.] Mom: [in a fractured, disturbed voice] Paaiint. Must paaiint. Everything clean. Paaiint. Dad: Well, honey, you've painted the entire house. Three times. Mom: Must paaiint. Everything clean. Everything new! Dad: [walks over to Butters] Say Butters, m-I'm havin' real trouble finding an anniversary present for Mom. Any ideas? Butters: Hm. Uh-I can't think of one. Dad: Well then, it looks like I'm gonna have to go out shopping again. [walks towards the front door.] Mom: [paints furiously now] Ungh. Paaiint. Everything clean. Everything new. Paaiint. Dad: [opens the door] I'll be back in a little while. [exits] Butters: [walks over to the door] Should I go see what he gets you again, Mom? Mom: I don't think Daddy's shopping. I think Daddy's going out wrestling again. [rolls some paint on him downwards] Paaiint. [rolls some paint on him upwards] Paaiint. [turns around and walks away, leaving a confused Butters behind] Must be made clean. New. Butters: Hey, a new paint brush. That's what Dad could get Mom for their anniversary. I gotta go tell him. [opens the dor and exits.] Mom: [alone with her thoughts in front of a family photo] Must clean Butters. [paints over her face] Clean. Never be clean. Must... [paints over Butters' face] k*ll? The only way? Must k*ll Butters. [paints some more over their faces] Paaiint. ["The Butters Show" splash screen] Choir: ...Butters! Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me! [The White Swallow Spa, night. Butters is at its front doors and rings the buzzer. The doors open and he enters He jumps up and gives the attendant some money - $10.] Butters: One please. Attendant: [sounds Oriental] Locker two thirteen! [a towel pops out through a dispenser next to the window] Butters: Uh thanks! [takes the towel and heads for the spa's locker room.] [The locker room. The camera pans across the locker room and shows nothing but men in towels. Some of them are exercising, others just chat.] Butters: [appears in the doorway] Dad? [walks in] Dad, you in here? [A hallway. Butters happens upon a wooden door with a small window in the upper half. He looks up at the window, then enters the room.] Butters: Hello? Eh-anybody in here? Man 1: [voice only] There, do you think that works? Mr. Garrison: [voice only] Well, that's four fingers; try five. Butters: Uh Mr. Garrison? Mr. Garrison: ...Who is that?! [The main hallway. Butters enters and checks the first door to his left. Two men walk towards the entrance and walk out] Butters: [reaches the second door to his left, which is ajar] Da-ad? Da-ad?? [pushes the door open] Are you wrestlin' in here? [gets a better look: two men are engaged in a**l intercourse] Dad? Man 2: This room's taken. Butters: Oh, uh, pardon me, sirs. [exits and closes that door, then moves to the opposite room and looks in] ndad? No. [leaves that room and moves to the third door to his right] Hm. [opens the door: his father is masturbating, but Butters doesn't know what that is.] Dad: [sees his son at the door and quickly moves to hide his penis] OOH! BUTTERS!! Butters: Hi Dad! [waves and smiles] Dad: [now with towel in hand] Oh God! Aaah! Ohhh! Butters: I'm glad I found ya. I think I know the perfect anniversary present for Mom. But what are you doin' with your weiner out there, Dad? Dad: [quite embarrassed, has the towel in position] Butters, you need... to leave here right now! You need to... get out of here, egeh... Go home and wait for me to talk to talk to you. Butters: Oh. Well, alright then. Well, see ya at home. [backs out and cloese the door] Dad: [now distraught] Oh, Jesus, no. OH, what have I done? ["The Butters Show" splash screen] Choir: Everyone knows it's Butters! Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me! [Butters' house, night. Butters' dad is in his study.] Dad: [closes a book, rises and calls out] Butters! [moves towards the door] Oh Butters! Could you come and see me in my study real quick? [moves to his armchair] Butters: [appears in the doorway] Uh, hey Dad. Dad: Come here, son. [taps his lap. Butters enters and approaches] I wanna have a talk with you. Butters: [hops onto his father's lap] Well, sure thing, Dad. Dad: Son, I wanted to talk to you about lying. Butters: Well, I know lying's bad, Dad. Y-you told me so. Dad: Yes, it sure can be. [pause] But, there are also times when distorting the truth a little ih, is appropriate. These are called "little white lies." Butters: Little white lies? Dad: Ya see, sometimes telling a little white lie is okay. Like, for instance, when you catch your father jacking off in a gay men's bath house. Butters: ...Uh, who's Jack? Dad: Butters, the point is that, I think that if you told Mommy what Daddy was doing tonight, weh, she might go completely insane. Butters: Oh no, that won't happen, Dad. Dad: It won't? Oh, good. Butters: Eh, no. Because I already told Mom and she's fine. Dad: You... what? Mom: [In the doorway] Butters, Mommy wants to take you for a little drive now. Butters: A drive? Oh, boy! [puts his fists together twice] I I love a good drive. Is Dad comin' too? Mom: No, sweetie, Daddy needs to sit and think. Butters: [hops off his dad's lap] Alright. See ya in a bit, Dad. [walks out after his mother] Oh boy, a drive! [Boat dock, night, some minutes later. Mom drives onto a boat ramp and edges close to the water. A song plays on the radio: "Jingle Bell Rock." She slows the car to a stop.] Butters: Oh, jeez, you wouldn't have believed how angry I was when Teacher said I had to share my fingerpaints, because I've been sharin' them all along. Mom: [with a blank expression on her face] Butters, you know that Mommy loves you an awful lot, don't you? Butters: Well, sure I do, Mom. I love you, too. Mom: And sometimes moomies do things that seem hurtful to their babies, but it's really for the best. Butters: Oh, you mean like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for sayin' "nutsack" in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to behave myself. [slaps his right hand with his left] Mom: If a mommy has to end her life, she can't let her baby alone in the world to be raised by a sick pervert. Butters: Well, sure, that makes sense, I suppose, yeah. Hey, did you seen my mittens anywhere? [begins searching] It's cold out here. Mom: I'm going to get out of the car now, Butters. [Butters looks up at her] I want you to stay put with your seat belt fastened. Butters: Oh. Well, alright, Mom. O-o-okay then. [she moves the gear shift to neutral, releases the emergency brake, opens the driver-side door, and exits. She walks away from the water, and the car starts to move forward] You know, I think the car might be movin', Mom. [cut to a view of the water from the dock] Yep, I'm pretty sure the car is movin'. Looks like I'm headin' for the water. Mom: [close up. Her hands are together, fingertips touching] Shhh. Shhh. It's okay, baby. Mommy will be with you very soon. Butters: [a view of the dock from the water] Well, I think I- Yeup, it looks like the car is fillin' up with water! [she turns away as the car leaves the dock] Yeah. I think right now might be a good time to try to get the car out, Mom! [she walks away] ["The Butters Show" splash screen] Choir: Everyone knows it's Butters! Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me! [Butters' house, night, living room. His mom has returned home and is now writing a note. A noose hangs over the coffee table, ready for her to use when the time comes. His father, apparently, is not home] Mom: "Dear bastard husband," No. [scribbles over the words, then writes] "Dear lying sonofabitch," No. [scribbles over the words, then writes] "Dear assface," Yeah, that's it. "I will no longer-" Dad: [enters the front door and quickly grasps the situation] Linda?? What are you doing?? [moves behind the sofa and to the lamp. Linda rises and quickly moves to the noose, then puts it on defiantly] Linda: Stay away from me, bastard! Dad: Linda, I know this is very hard- Linda: [snaps back] You don't know anything! Dad: I've been wanting to stop going to those places, Linda, but I couldn't. I still love you! Linda: [sobbing] Then why, Chris, why??!! Dad: It just... it started as some curiosity on the Internet. I would chat with other married goes in the chat rooms and... Well the things they woudl talk about, Linda, I, I don't know why I found it exciting. I just did, and it, and it grew from there and it spun out of control, and- eh, ugh, DAMN YOU, INTERNET! Linda: Well, [glares at him] you don't have to worry about your family being in your way anymore! [turns away and sobs] Dad: No, Linda! I don't want that lifestyle! It's just kind of an addiction. I want help. And I'm going to get help. Please, just give me a chance to make this all up to you. [she removes the noose and falls to the floor] We can have a normal life! Linda: There is no going back, Chris! Dad: Sure there is! Linda: No! [turns to face him] Our son is d*ad! Dad: What? Linda: [sobbing] I k*lled him. [collects her thoughts] I was going to end it all, and everything spun out of control for me. I drowned Butters iin the car, Chris! Chris: Oh no. [Linda cries loudly] No! No, no, Jesus! Linda, what were you thinking? Linda: [snaps] I WASN'T THINKING! [catches her breath] I couldn't think! You destroyed my life, you!! [points at him, then breaks down] D'Oh, God, what have I done?! Oh, Butter-her-hers-ss-ss- [dissolves into sobs] Chris: [confused] This can't be happening! This is a bad dream. Linda: Just go away and let me die! [sobs] Chris: [genuflects next to her] No! Linda, we- Linda: I'm a m*rder, Chris! I don't have a life now! [lays down on the floor face first and pounds it with her right fist] Chris: Linda, Butters is gone. [drops into thought] Oh Christ, if Butters is gone, then... there's nothing we can do about that. But I won't let you go to jail, I promise, Linda! Pleeease! [she start weeping, then he starts, and they both weep...] [A river, day. The family car come into view, floating down the river, with Butters still strapped in.] Butters: Oh, boy! This thing ain't never gonna stop! I must be all the way down to Denver by now. [the car floats down some more and crashes into some boulders. The passenger-side door flies open] Ohhh, whoopee! Finally. Uh now that the car has come to a stop,it's safe for me to unfasten my seat belt. [unfastens it and lets it go. He scrambles out and over the boulders] Boy, Mom must be- worried sick about- me right now. Ah I goota get back home. [before him are some low hills and the Rockies in the background. No buildings in sight] Wuh gee whiz, where the heck am I? ["The Butters Show" splash screen] Choir: -ows it's Butters! Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me! [Butters' house, day. A News 4 crew is there, with reporter in place. So is a crowd of spectators and other news media] News 4 Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in front of the home of Chris and Linda Stotch. They're living every parent's nightmare right now, as last night, while Ms. Stotch was driving with her son in the car, a man stopped her, put a g*n to her head, andn took her son away. When asked who the man was, Ms. Stotch replied, "Some Puerto Rican guy." Naturally, the police are in an all-out manhunt for some Puerto Rican guy. [the front door behind him opens and the Stotches appear] Uh, it looks like the parents are about to make a statement, Tom. [cameras start snapping pictures. Officer Barbrady and fellow police officers form a barricade to keep the crowd away from the podium.] Reporter 1: Mrs. Stotch? Mrs. Stotch? Any word yet from the man who took your son? Linda: No, no, not yet. But if you're out there, we beg you: we just want our baby returned safely back to us. News 4 Reporter 1: Mrs. Stotch, what did the kidnapper look like? Linda: Puerto Rican. News 4 Reporter 2: Was he tall? Short. Linda: He was... average Puerto Rican height. Please, just bring our baby back to me. ["The Butters Show" splash screen] Choir: ...Butters! Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me! [The highway, day. He's in a Busy Beavers moving truck going uphill] Butters: And so them my friend started hollerin' at me, sayin' "you took my rubber bands." Well, I didn't take 'em, Craig, did. I saw Craig take 'em. Anyway, boy, I sure am lucky you came along, Mister. Truck Driver: Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some God-damned poontang. Butters: Yeah. I could use some God-damned poontang myself right now. Have you ever been to Bennigan's, Mister? Oh, it sure is great. I'm goin' to Bennigan's tomorrow night with my family. Oh, I can just see it now. [dream sequence: the doors open and the family walks in] We'll walk in the front doors, [a smiling waitress welcomes them and leads them to their booth] and the nice Bennigan's hostess lady will take us to our cozy booth [Butters focuses on the booth bench, runs to it, and climbs on] Then we'll order some mozzarella sticks, for appetizers. [a waiter brings the dish over] Dad will open his present, and Mom will open hers [he gets a tie, she gets the paint brush, and they smile at the gifts] Uh then the Bennigan's wait staff will sing Happy Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan's [the entire staff sings at the table as the family listens] Happy Happy Anniversary-eh from everyone at Bennigan's [the sequence is cut short as the driver gets annoyed] Happy Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan's [the truck stops and the driver exits to make his way to the passenger side] Happy Ha- Whoa, are we stoppin' for sodas? Hey, can I have chocolate milk? [the driver opens the door, plucks Butters out, set him by the side of the road, closes the door, and heads back for the driver's side. He gets in and drives off. Butters watches him go, then turns to face the receding truck...] He must like TGI Fridays. [Butters' house, day. The news crews and the crowd are gone. Inside, the parents sit on the sofa as the police and detectives handle the case. The phone rings. Chris rises, but the police chief stops him] Police Chief: Let us handle it. [looks towards the phone] Barbrady? Barbrady: [answers the phone] Hello? [Rob's Sassy Ladys titty bar. A few men sit around looking at an exotic dancer works her way around a pole. Butters is at a pay phone nearby] Butters: Oh. Hello? Uh, who is this? Barbrady: Who is this? Butters: Uh, is this the Stotch residence? Barbrady: Yes. Are you calling about the abduction? Butters: ...No. Barbrady: Oh. Well, are you Puerto Rican? Butters: [looks down and checks himself out] ...No. Barbrady: We need to keep this line clear. Call back another day. [hangs up and faces the family and officers] It wasn't the abductors, sorry. Officer 1: [enters the front door] Chief! Two more parents from the next town over have shwon up saying their child might have been k*lled by the same guy that took the Stotch boy. Police Chief: Really? Officer 2: [enters with the couple] This is John and Patsy Ramsey, from Boulder. John Ramsey: [they rush onto the sofa] We saw your story on the news, and we were so sorry to hear about your loss. Patsy Ramsey: Our daughter was k*lled a few years ago, in our house. Linda: Yes, I... remember hearing something about that. John Ramsey: A and we realized... The man that m*rder your son must be the same person that k*lled our daughter! Patsy Ramsey: Yes, because we certainly didn't do it! No. [they both laugh nervously] John Ramsey: No, huh. Patsy Ramsey: No. Chris: Well, our son was ab-ducted. We don't know that he's d*ad yet. The Ramseys: Riiight. ["The Butters Show" splash screen] Choir: ...Butters! Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me! [A road, day. Butters walks along and comes to a fork in the road. A gas station sits in the middle of the fork, and a mechanic works on a red car. Butters approaches him] Butters: Sir? Hello? Mechanic: [leaves the car to see Butters] Hallo, what can I do for ya? Butters: Wah I have to get to South Park. Eh, if you give me a ride, I could pay you the four dollars I made at the titty bar. Mechanic: Sarrih, wife took the car to Estes Park for the weekend. Won't be back until Sunday, hyeah. I can give you a ride Sunday, if ya like. Butters: I can't wait till Sunday. I'm eating with my family at Bennigan's tomorrow. Mechanic: Well, then, looks like you're walkin'. Butters: Uh will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road? [points to the road on the left] Mechanic: 'Aht road leads to Conifuh. You want to go to South Park, you gotta go down that rod. [the camera pans to the right and stops at a terrifying road. It is lined with spooky trees with faces on them, dark thr*at clouds overhead, and eerie sounds.] 'Course, I ani't nevuh seen anyone ngo up that rod. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost. Had to eat each other to say alahv. Used to be the way to O'Riley house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in a cellah. But, you should find an old bridge about halfway up. That bridge is cursed, you know? They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yeah. Lotta historih down that rod. Butters: [unsure, blinks] ...Well, it's my parents' anniversay tomorrow, [starts walking] and they're gonna be awful sad if I'm not there with 'em. Mechanic: Well, uh good luck then. Butters: Oh jeez. [he enters the gloomy forest] Mechanic: [watches Butters leave] ...or is South Park down that rod? [I Am Siam Thai Cuisine restaurant, day. Inside, the Ramseys and the Stotches are seated at a booth, men on the inside, women on the outside. Lunch is served] John Ramsey: It's so very hard to lose a loved one, isn't it? Chris: Yes, it, it sure is. Patsy Ramsey: Thank goodness we have each other to share our grief. Linda: Thank goodness. John Ramsey: [points towards the entrance] Here he is. [a door is heard opening and in walks...] A Politician: John! Patsy! John Ramsey: Hello, Gary. Great to see you. Chris and Linda, this is our good friend, Congressman Gary Condit. [Condit approaches the table, waves hello, and takes a seat next to Linda] He also lost someone close to him and thinks it something to do with the same Puerto Rican guy that hurt our kids. Gary Condit: We're goin' tuh get that sonofabitch! [grins. That grin is fixed in place] Chris: Yes, I'd I sure hope we do. Gary Condit: I spoke with the FBI and some Puerto Rican guy has just made their Number One Most Wanted, heh. Patsy Ramsey: Oh, good. Maybe now they'll catch him. [the door is heard opening again] Oh, here's another member of our support group. [waves hello] O.J. O.J. Simpson: [waves] Hey guys. Gary Condit: Chris, Linda, you know O.J. Simpson. [O.J. walks up and shakes Linda's hand] Linda: Oh. Sure. Patsy Ramsey: O.J.'s wife was k*lled by an uh some Puerto Rican guy, too. O.J. Simpson: Yup, it was some Puerto Rican guy all right. John Ramsey: So you see, Chris and Linda, there are people like you all over the country who've been affected by some Puerto Rican guy. Gary Condit: Hey! Let's make Chris and Linda an official part of the group. John Ramsey: Yeah! Patsy Ramsey: Yeah! O.J. Simpson: Alright! Patsy Ramsey: [waves her Kn*fe like a conductor's baton] One of us! One of us! Gary Condit: Gooble gobble gooble gobble! O.J. Simpson: [joins Condit] One of us! [the two lines happen together] The Ramseys and Condit: One of us! One of us! O.J. Simpson: One of us! Gooble gobble! The Ramseys, O.J., Condit: Gooble gobble! Gooble gobble! One of us! One of us! [the Stotches look at the other four in fear] [The scary road, night. The skies have cleared to reveal a bright full moon. The camera moves down to the road and Butters comes into view singing to himself] Butters: For family fun and great food, too, come on down to... Bennigan's [a shadow flies over the trees in front of him, and an eerie cry is heard. He stops] Buffalo wings and fried food, cokes, and Foster Farms at... Bennigan's [a snarling sound is heard. He stops and turns right, looking into the trees] Uhuh, hello? [after a while of looking, he turns left and starts walking again] So come and eat at... A voice: [whispering] Why can't he see us? Butters: ...Bennigan's. You'll love all our... shenanigans. [the eerie sound is heard again, and three red dots are ained at his forehead - he has been targeted by someone, or something... He turns right again and looks into the trees. Someone looks back, and turns on thermal vision. A neon view of Butters is shown. Butters turns left and start walking agian. The three dots remain trained on his forehead] Oh, nutsack [moves his hands to his mouth and gasps a bit] Oops. ["The Butters Show" splash screen] Choir: Everyone knows it's Butters! Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me! [Butters' house, day, the anniversary has arrived. Inside, Chris and Linda are fighting over the details of the unfolding story of Butters' disappearance. He sits on the sofa; she's pacing the floor, crying, and both are unkempt] Chris: Naw, Linda! Because you can't now say that the abductor is Costa Rican! [rises] You have to learn to keep it straight! Linda: I can't keep it straight when you keep inventing new parts to the story! Chris: Hey, don't forget that I'm covering for you! [the door opens and Butters walks in] Linda: Don't forget: your lies started all this. [Butters closes the door] Chris: My lies may have been deceitful, but your lies cover up something much more horrible than anything I ever did! [Butters approaches and looks] Butters: Happy Anniversary! Chris: Not now, Butters! Butters: Oh. [moves off to his left] Alright, then. I- Linda: Butters?? [spots him and scoops him up, then shares him with Chris]Oh, Butters! Chris: Son! I don't believe it! [they both drop on one knee as they hold on to Butters] Butters: Ah, I'm sorry. The car just rolled into the lake, and it floated all the way down the river. I tried callin' home, but it was- Linda: Oh, my baby's back! Butters: I ain't grounded, am I? Chris: No-huih, no, Butters. Oh, son, why... [relief fades to spin] Oh... Uh, we're gonna need you to tell a little white lie about where you've been though, alright? Butters: Lie? Linda: Oh. Eh yes. Uh darling, you're going to have to say you don't know how you got home. Chris: No! You have to say that a Puerto Rican man dropped you off! [both parents set Butters down and rise] Linda: Ohhh, who's gonna believe he just dropped him off?! Butters: Hey, you stop hollerin'! It's your anniversary. Chris: [over Butters' voice] Now we don't really have a choice, do we?! Linda: You're the one that made up the stuff about the Puerto Rican, IDIOT! Butters: Uh stop it, Mom and Dad. Chris: Well you're the one who couldn't back it up wit a description, stupid! Butters: Now gosh darn it, you! [steps in between his parents] You listen here! Now I am sick of these harmless lies and l-little white lies. You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinkin' lie! And when you start coverin' up one lie with another why, now that's when you get into real trouble! [Chris and Linda listen] Boy I've, I've just about had it up to here [puts his right hand to his chin, palm down] with you two! [a few seconds of silence follow] Chris: ...Butters... You're as right as rain. Linda: [genuflects and messes with Butters' hair] You sure are. Butters: Well I ain't in trouble for hollerin' at ya, am I? Linda: No, Butters. You're the best son in the whole world. [Chris walks over to the phone as Linda and Butters look at each other] And I am so happy you're alive. Butters: ...Well ah, I'm happy you're alive too, Mom. So now can we go to Bennigan's? Chris: You bet, son. But Mommy and Daddy have something they have to do first. [picks up the receiver and starts dialing...] [Butters' house, day. The news media and the spectators are back at the Stotch house for another press conference.. The front door opens and the Stotches step forth to the podium, all cleaned up and well-dressed. Cameramen begin taking pictures] Chris: We... have an announcement to make, um. Our son has been returned to us. [Butters comes out of the house to stand next to his parents, and cheers are heard in the crowd. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are present] Man in Crowd: Wow, alright Stan: Butters was missing? Chris: But, that isn't all we have to say. You see, we learned a very important lesson tonight and it took the smarts of our young son to show us. Butters: [points at the crowd] Yeah! Linda: We've learned that deception is wrong and that the only thing to ever make it right again is to come clean. Butters: Yeah! [a sh*t of the Ramseys, O.J., and Condit] Chris: You see, I've been deceiving my wife for several months. I was going to gay movie- and bathhouses and having sex with random men who were complete strangers. Butters: [raises both arms in victory] Ye-! [turns to look at his father, and his arms go down] wait, what? Cartman: Huho! Linda: [Butters is now afraid of what she might say] And when I found out I went crazy, I went crazy and I drove my son into the lake to k*ll 'im. Butters: Uh, k-k*ll me? Uh Jesus Christ! Stan: Damn, dude. Chris: So you see, there was no "some Puerto Rican guy." He doesn't exist. And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are the Ramseys, Congressman Condit, and O.J. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you and, we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a LIAR!" [points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is shown] "You know somethin' that you're not telling us, you slimy, scumbag LIAR!!" [back to Chris] Eh you know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say, "Hello," but they'd be thinking, "Ah, there goes that m*rder!" [a sh*t of O.J.] "You got away with m*rder you m*rder, lying, waste of life!!" [back to Chris] And to me, people might say things like, [a sh*t of Condit] "LIAR! Tell us what you know you God-damned LIAR!!" [back to Chris] And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, [a sh*t of the Ramseys] "You know God-damn well what happened to your kid, so stop acting like victims, and confess, you m*rder m*rder!!" [a sh*t of O.J.] "CONFESS!!" [a sh*t of Condit] "LIAR!! CONFESS!!" [back to Chris] You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth. Linda: We're sorry we lied to you all. It won't happen again. Chris: And now, if you'll excuse us, this family has to get to Bennigan's. Man 2 in Crowd: Yeah-ah-alright! [the parents go back in the house as a stunned Butters stands on the walkway. The crowd disperses and Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk up to Butters] Stan: Wow dude, your dad's a perv and your mom tried to k*ll you. Butters: Yeah. Boy, you fellas are sure gonna rip on me at school now. Cartman: We sure are. Butters: I really wish I didn't know that stuff. I guess I learned that sometimes, lying can be for the best. Yup. Oh well, when I want a chipotle bleu cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad... bein' q*eer and my mom tryin' to k*ll me. I'm gonna be okay. Stan: Really? Butters: Naw, I'm lyin' Chris: [appears in the doorway] Let's go, son. Butters: Wuh comin', Dad! [goes inside the house] Choir: Everyone knows it's Butters! Butters: [returns to the doorway and points to himself with his thumb] That's me! [End of Butters' Very Own Episode]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "05x14 - Butter's Very Own Episode"}

foreverdreaming

Jared, it's just that your new take on weight loss is contrary to our commetment to good health. Jared: How so? Subway Representative: Well, your new slogan, for instance. [clears his throat] "When it comes to fitness, Subway goes hand in hand with aides." Jared: [softly] Ah hah. [he rises and leaves the "SANDWICH MARKETING" building with hands in pockets. He closes the door and walks away dejectedly. He passes a basketball court where a few people are sh**ting baskets. He looks at them as he passes by. Then he stops, looks at the camera, sighs, and ] Singer 2: His name is Jared. Jared lost weight eating Subway and ... sandwiches of [Flex Gym Fitness Club, day] Cartman: [heard from the outside] Come on, Butters, you gotta get skinny again! [the camera goes inside. People are exercising on all sorts of equipment. A woman runs by on a track on the second floor. Butters is pulling at a rowing machine as Cartman spots him. Cartman is eating Cheesy Poofs and barking orders] You are such a flabby hunk of crap!! Look at those jelly rolls!! Jelly rolls I tell ya!! You still got seven chins, boah!! You'll never be thin!! Nobody loves you!! Butters: [looks at Cartman] Wuh hey now, they do too! Uh, my mom and dad - love me even if I am fat. Cartman: [normal] Butters, I'm just trying to offer some motivational help here. Butters: Well alright then. Cartman: [barking] ROW you fat bitch!! Look at those jelly rolls!! Nobody loves you!! You're not even a person!! [Jared's dressing room, day. Jared paces the room eating a sub sandwich] Jared: I never asked to be famous; now everyone hates me! I almost wish I had never gotten aides! [his aides come in] Tyler: Hey now, come on. What kind of talk is that? Jared: I'm sorry, guys, but I...I think I wanna be aides-free for a while. Scott: Come on, Jared, lighten up! People don't hate you. Tyler: Yeah. Maybe they're all just jealous that they can't afford to hire their own aides. Jared: [brightening] Wait a minute... you're right! [moves towards the camera] Yeah! I think I know how to be a celebrity again! [heads for the door] [City Wok, outside, later. Cartman and Kyle wait on Stan as he arrives] Stan: Did you bring the camera? Kyle: Yeah, we're all set. Cartman: [steps in between them] Guys, I think this might be a good time to discuss some business. Kyle: Well what do you mean? Cartman: Well, when City Wok sees how skinny Butters is, they're not gonna want him to just make one commercial, they're gonna want several. Stan: That's true. Jared did like a hundred for Subway Sandwiches. Cartman: I think we're looking at a non-exclusive two-year fifty-picture deal here. My calculations put that at about four million dollars. Kyle: Wow. [he and Stan are awed] Cartman: Now, I think the four million should be split evenly among the three of us, except that I should get a twenty percent pernegation fee off the gross for having come up with the idea. Butters: [arrives as Cartman speaks] Hey fellas. Stan: Butters?? What the hell are you doing?? Kyle: Yeah, you're still fat! Butters: Well, I know, ah I can't seem to lose it. Cartman: Well we're supposed to sh**t yoru commercial today, you fat piece of crap! Butters: Well ah I don't know what to tell ya. Losin' weight is harder than puttin' it on. Cartman: No it isn't, stupid blubberbutt!! Stan: [Kyle finally produces the camera] Did you eat only once ounce of City Wok like we told you?? Butters: Well uhyeah, but ah, I don't know... Kyle: Why are you doing this to us? [Butters' house, later. The boys have prepared a makeshift operating table on the coffee table in the livingn room. Kyle reads from a medical book, Cartman has a suction tube and pail, and Stan is overseeing the operation] Stan: All prepared for liposuction surgery? Cartman: Check. Butters: Uh, I don't know about this, fellas. Stan: [sh**t back] Hey, you're the one who screwed us by not losing weight, Butters. [Cartman makes sure the scalpel is sharp] Kyle: [faces Stan] Okay, it says here the operation begins with a one-inch incision in the ab-do-men on the left side just above the hip. Cartman: That should blah [babbles a bit] ah here. [cuts into Butters' abdomen] Butters: [reacts] Woahhh! Cartman: Oh stop your bitchin' Butters! Kenny woulda took it like a man! Kyle: Okay, now put one end of the tube a half an inch into the incision. [Cartman picks up one end of the tube and inserts it into the incision] Cartman: Alrighty. Butters: Whoa. I think this is a bad idea, fellas. I feel woozy. Cartman: Alright, I think it's in. [turns around] Kyle: The liposuction is a process of siphoning out the excess fat. [Cartman stalls, then picks up the other end and starts sucking the fat out] Cartman: [spits out the hose as soon as the fat hits his lips] Bohogh, egh. [puts the hose into the pail for the fat to collect] Butters: Waaaahh. Cartman: There it goes. Kyle: Alright, it's working! Cartman: [wipes away a bit of fat remaining on his lips] Aw man, it tastes like that, um, you know that cream-chipped-beef stuff that Chef makes sometimes. Butters: Aahh heh ahh, I don't feel very good. Stan: Shut up, Butters, it's your own damned fault. Butters: Everything's getting dark... Stan: We've gotta hurry this up. [moves behnd the coffee table to Butter's belly and starts pounding on it. The fat begins flowing out faster] Cartman: [looks at the fat flowing out] Oh yeah, keep doing that. That's working good. Stan: He's losing weight. [Kyle smiles] Cartman: Oh, whoa. Whoa! [the fat rushes out so quickly the tube begins to buck, splattering fat and blood all over the place] Kyle: It's out of control! [Stan has stopped pounding, but the fat is pulsing out and Cartman can't control it.. Butters gets thinner by the second and headed for shock] Butters: Whoa, everything's getting sparkly. [the sound of a car pulling up is heard] Stan: Oh no, dude, Butters' parents are home. Cartman: Oh, crap! Stan: Dude, bail! [the three boys rush out the back door, then the front door opens and Butter's parents walk in. The living room is a mess] Linda: Butters? BUTTERS?? Butters: [listlessly] Mom. Dad. Chris: Butters. Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth! Butters: Yes sir. Linda: This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you not to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?! Butters: Four times, mom. Chris: Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister! Butters: Yes, sir. [rises and... struggles. He falls off the coffee table to the floor. Chris isn't fazed, but Linda is affected] Chris: Oh huh don't you give us that look young man! You're gonna get it! [News 4 News, day. A field reporter stands in front of the Mayor's office. The mayor and her aides are present] Reporter: Tom, I'm standing out in front of the Mayor's office, where the big liar, Jared, is once again about to speak. Apparently, Jared hopes to regain his celebrity hero status, which was lost when he announced that it was AIDS, not sub sandwiches, that caused him to lose weight. Let's listen in. [The podium. Jared stands behind it] Jared: Ladies and gentlemen, a- at first I didn't understand why you felt betrayed by the fact that my aides helped me to lose weight, but now I understand that it isn't fair that- I had aides and most of you don't. And so, with all the money I've made from commercials, I have decided to start the Aides for Everyone Foundation! Jimbo: What?? Jared: I am going to personally see to it that each and every one of you gets aides! [a long silence follows as the audience just looks at Jared] Mayor McDaniels: This guys' insane. Jared: But I won't stup there. I'm gonna seek out all the underprivileged and hungry children of the world, and I'm giong to give them aides myself! Chef: You're gonna give children AIDS?! Jared: Yes, it is my hope that every beautiful child on this earth has aides by next month! Aides for everyone!! [another long silence] Skeeter: Get him! [the crowd begins to move forward angrily and Jared leaved the podium] [Butters' house, some days later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman show up at the front door, and Cartman rings the bell] Stan: Come on, Butters. Time to go. Butters: Uh go where? Kyle: To City Wok so we can make our money. God! Butters: I can't go anywhere, fellas. I've been grounded for havin' lipo-suction... surgery. [lifts his short to show the bandage over the scar] Stan: What? Butters: Wuh well I told you my parents would be sore, and they said for... havin' liposuction surgery, I can't play outside for five days. Cartman: Dude, we just need you to come down to City Wok real quick so they can see how skinny you are! Butters: [counts off] Well you guys have already got me in dutch for gettin' fat, and then I got in double-dutch for... havin' liposuction, and now you're askin' me to be in triple dutch?! [moves his hands palms down to wash his hands of any more trouble] Huh uh! I'll never be that dutch! Stan: ...Kenny would have done it. Kyle: Yup. Cartman: Do you guys remember what a cool friend Kenny was? [whispers] God. [normally] He was always up for helpin' us out; man, he was the best friend ever. Butters: Look, fellas, I can't do it! My mom and dad call in every hour from work to make sure I am here. If I don't answer the ph-phone, it'll tell 'em I'm up to no good! Cartman: Alright alright, I'll stay here and answer the phone for you. Butters: No- but you don't sound like me. Cartman: [begins sounding something like Butters. Kyle looks on] Well you don't sound like me. My name is Butters and I'm a little p*ssy who won't halp his friends make money. Kyle: Wow, that was pretty good. Stan: Alright, it's settled.Come on, Butters. [pulls Butters out the door. Cartman enters the hosue] Cartman: Don't forget, a third of that four million dollars is mine! [the others leave and he closes the door] [Stotch living room, inside. Cartman moves to the sofa] Cartman: Eh. [makes himself comfortable on the sofa and turns on the TV. He grunts a bit] Eh. Yeah. [the phone rings; he answers] Well hello? Chris: [at an office full of cubicles] I'm just checkig in on you, Butters. [a woman walks down the aisle behind him] Heh- Do I hear the television? We told you no television while you're grounded! Cartman: Oh, gee whiz, I'm not.. uhwatchin' television, Dad, I'm just... layin' around jackin' it. Chris: Jacking it? Jacking what? Cartman: Well my hot spicy boner, of course, Dad. Chris: What?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?! Cartman: Well ah, loosen up, you vaginal belch. Chris: Oh!! You are gonna get it, mister!! You just wait till I get home!1 Cartman: Bring it on, q*eer bait. [hangs up] Aaaahhhh, yes! [puts his arms behind his head, quite satisfied with himself] [Day, somewhere. Jared has a bat and is beating the hell out of something...] Jared: ...I tell my [paf] girlfriend I have aides and she leaves, I tell the [paf] world to get aides and they think I'm crazy, I offer to give aides to kids and everyone wants me [paf] d*ad! [the camera pulls back and the thing Jared is beating is a d*ad horse. Literally] What's wrong with [paf] aides?! Why doesn't anyone want me to give them [paf] aides?! [the crowd arrives with torches, charging noisily] Mr. Garrison: There he is, beatin' that d*ad horse! Man in Crowd: Alright! Jimbo: Let's get him! [the crowd charges forward and Jared runs away again] Jared: Aahhh!! [City Wok. Stan, Kyle, and Butters arrive and enter] City Wok Owner: Welcome t'Shitty Wok. Take your order prease. Kyle: We have great news! Our friend has lost forty pounds eating your City Wok food. Here's the before and after photos. City Wok Owner: He lose weight eating Shitty Wok? Stan: That's right! So now you can pay us to use him in your commercials and you'll have your very own Jared! City Wok Owner: Oh no, no way! I not putting no Jared in my Shitty Wok commercial Kyle: Uh why not? City Wok Owner: Don't you know? Everybody hate Jared. He want everyone in world to havd AIDS. He sick in the head. Stan: What?? City Wok Owner: I don't want Shitty Wok have nothing to do with Jared land his AIDS. Stan: Wait. Everyone hates Jared now? City Wok Owner: Yah they, they gonna k*ll him. They gonna k*ll Jared downtown right now. Stan: Awgh, come on guys, we gotta sort this out. [the boys exit the store] [Butters' house, living room. Cartman has eaten quite a bit of food (soda, milk, candy, Cheesy Poofs) and is watching TV - a Terrance & Phillip episode. Only their voices are heard] Phillip: Here's a man's fart for ya. [farts, laughs] Terrance: God no! [laughs again, and Cartman joins in. The phone rings] Oh, Phillip, your anthr*x has given me colon cancer! Cartman: [answering] Hello? Linda: [calling in from her office] Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset! Cartman: Yeah, well, Dad's being a little p*ssy, Mom. Linda: [stunned, then] Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?! Cartman: Uh not from you dumbasses, that's for sure. Linda: Oh, you just weit till I get home, mister!! Cartman: Oh, I'll be waiting with horse bells on, you old... horse-bangin' skank. [hangs up] Hah. [resumes eating] Terrance: Ey! There's some anthr*x over there! [farts, then roars with laughter] Phillip: Oh no, hahahahahahaha. [Downtown, Mayor's office, outside, day. The corwd has captured Jared and taken him back downtown. A gallows is set up and Jared has had the noose placed around his neck. Two men finish and walk off. The Mayor stands off to one side with her aides.] Jared: Why did I ever do those stupid commercials? Mayor McDaniels: Alright, Jared, you sick pervert! Do you have anything to say before you die?? Kyle: [offscreen] Wait! [the boys run up to the gallows platform] You're all making a mistake! Chef: Stand back, children! Jared wants to give you AIDS! Stan: No, you don't understand. Jared doesn't have "AIDS" aids, he has assistants. Two guys that help him lose weight that he calls his aides. People in Crowd: [softly] Oh. Mayor McDaniels: You mean, Jared's aides are like my aides? Jared: Yes. ...Y-you mean you all thought...? Oh my Gosh! Skeeter: Oh boy, do I feel stupid. Gerald: Oh we're so sorry, Jared Jared: No no, hey it was my fault. I can't believe I I, I didn't think of what I was saying! [giggles] Chef: Eh so he was saying, children should have help like he had! [laughs] Randy: Yeah! That has got to be about the biggest misunderstanding EVER!! [several people laugh] Jared: [laughing] Oh my God! I told my girlfriend I wanted her to share my "AIDS" - oh, no wonder she left! Mr. Garrison: [laughing] Cuh-can you imagine what we thought when you said, "Aides for Everyone Foundation"? Jared: Oh, brother! Skeeter: Aha- [stops and realizes something] ...Hey. We're all laughing. [everyone stops and listens] Mr. Mackey: Uh hey, yeah. We, we woulda never laughed about this before. Randy: Well don't you see what this means? It's been 22.3 years, so... AIDS is finally funny! People in Crowd: Ooohhh. Mayor McDaniels: He's right. It happened! Jimbo: Hey everybody! AIDS is finally funny! People in Crowd: Alright! Yay! Woohoo! [fireworks come up out of nowhere] Hooray! Mr. Mackey: I knew it would be funny someday! [laughs] AIDS! Mr. Garrison: Then it's time! We can undo the banner! [fanfare comes up, and a man pulls a curtain away to reveal a huge golden plaque reading "AIDS IS FINALLY FUNNY" Ooohs and aaahs follow.] [Cut to Times Square, where the crawl reads "3-06-02 AIDS HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY DECLARED FUNNY"] New Yorker: Hooray! [Cut to Mayor's office, outside. Everyone now has party hats on and are celebrating. The field reporter resumes reporting] Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in the town square where just moments ago it was declared that AIDS... can finally be joked about. What a great day for humanity Mr. Garrison: [laughs, then] "AIDS quilt" [resumes laughing. The crowd disperses and the City Wok owner finds the boys] City Wok Owner: Oh boy, this is fantastic! I so grad AIDS is funny now. Stan: Okay, so now, do you wanna use our friend in your commercials? City Wok Owner: Sure. Can I pay you fifteen dowlar Stan: Fifteen dowlar? But... Jared got millions! City Wok Owner: Hey, I'm not a-Subway, I Shitty Wok. Shitty Wok don't have... million dollars. Stan: [takes off his hat and throws it on the ground] Oh God-damnit Kyle: Aw, just forget the whole thing then! City Wok Owner: Okay. [walks off, returns] Hey, you kids know why chicken cross the road? Stan: Why? City Wok Owner: 'Cause it has AIDS. [laughs. The boys just look at him oddly] AIDS so funny! [walks away laughing] Stan: Well, so much for our money. Kyle: Yeah, but you know, I've learned something today. It would have been wrong to exploit Butters' weight loss. Becuase then lots of fat people would have believed it. And then gone and eaten a ton of Chinese food instead of dieting properly. They'd still be fat and, we'd be responsible for their shattered dreams. Butters: Yeah, I don't like shattering fat people's dreams. Besides, I'd get grounded. [gasps] Oh, Jesus! I'm supposed to be grounded! [rushes away] [Butters' house, minutes later. Butters rushes to the front door ] Butters: Huh. Huh, uh, uh. Cartman: [opens the door in anticipation] There you are, Butters! Butters: [nervous] Wuh-are my... mom and dad back home yet? Cartman: No, but they're due home any minute. Come on, you're just in time! Butters: Hoh boy! Mom and Dad didn't... find out I... left the house, did they? Cartman: No, I totally covered for you. They completely believed I was you on the phone. Butters: Hu-oh! Goody! Cartman: Here you go. [hands Butters some drawings] I drew some pictures with crayons so it looks like you were here all day. And I ate a little food so it looks like you ate, and I fed your cat. Butters: Uh perfect. Cartman: Alright I'd better get out of here before they get back. [makes his way to the door] Butters: Uh hey, uh Eric? [Cartman turns around] Uh thanks for coverin' for me. You're a real pal. Cartman: Butters, it was my pleasure. [pulls out his mittens and opens the door, then puts them on. He heads for the sidewalk humming a late night theme song, then turns around to frame the house with his fingers, then walks away] [Butters' house, outside. Cartman, still humming, returns with a beach chair, some popcorn, and soda, and sets them up on the front lawn. Then he sits down to look at the coming show. Two cars pull up: it's Butters' parents rushing home. They exit their cars and head for the door angrily. They enter...] Butters: Hi, Mom and Dad! Chris: Don't you "Hi, Mom and Dad!" us, you little punk!! [punch] Butters: Ow. Dad? Linda: You don't even know the trouble you're in, mister!! [punch] Butters: Ah! What did I do? What did I do? Chris: You think you're touigh now? Answer me!! [a belt is heard coming off and whipping Butters] Butters: Aaaa!! [the beating continues] Cartman: Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now. [End of Jared Has Aides]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x01 - Jared Has Aides"}

foreverdreaming

[Butters' house, night, kitchen. Linda is serving drinks. The Marshes and the Broflovskis are at table. Sheila holds Ike on her lap] Sharon: Thanks for having us all over for dinner, Chris and Linda. Sheila: Yes, it was fabulous. Linda: Oh, we're just really happy that your boys have become such good friends with our little Butters. Chris: Yeah. We figure that if our boys are goona be great friends, we should all get to be friends, too. Linda: Freinds, by default. [giggles] Randy: Well, our boys do seem to be spending a lot of time together lately. I think ever since their friend Kenny died they've been looking for someone to fill the void. Chris: Well, our son is a perfect void-filler. It's nice that he finally has your sons to be his best buddies! [Butters' house, living room. The four boys sit on the sofa looking at television, except Butters is asleep at one end] Cartman: [alerting the other two] Look you guys, Butters is asleep. Stan: He's such a douchebag Cartman: Hey! Have you guys ever seen this trick? [drops down] When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, [takes a glass of water and brings it to Butters' hand] and you put their hand in it... [dunks Butters' hand in it] Stan: [watches as Cartman climbs the sofa] Yeah, and then what? Cartman: And then, you pee on it! [drops his pants and pees on Butters' hand] heheh, heheheheheheheh. Kyle: No, dude, you're supposed to put their hand in warm water and it makes them pee. Cartman: [still peeing] Oh, really? ...Oh well, heh, heheheheh, heh [Butters' house, kitchen. Conversation goes on] Chris: And we were thinking, since they've all become such close friends, how great it would be for us to all go together to Aspen for a ski weekend. Gerald: A-Aspen? Ohhh, we, we can't really afford that. Chris: No, you see, Linda and I found this ad where you can get two night free at a condo in Aspen if you attend a time-share presentation.. Randy: They let you stay for free? Chris: Yes! And all we have to do is attend a thirty-minute meeting! Sheila: Well that sounds like a good deal. Randy: Sounds good to me; let's go this weekend. Sheila: Oh boy! Skiing in Aspen! I can't wait! [an '80s tune begins to play. A sh*t of the boys in the living room, then the adults pour in from the kitchen] Chris: Hey boys! We're all going to Aspen fior the weekend! Stan, Kyle, Cartman: All right! [Butters stirs awake] Butters: Wow, a ski trip with my new best buddies! [feels some tension as he stretches] Oh, I'm all sticky. [wipes his hands on the sofa and cushions] [The Rocky Mountains, day. Chris Stotch drives all three families and Cartman off to Aspen] Chris: Here we are, everyone. [Before them lies a valley with many buildings in it. Next to the station wagon is a sign reading "WELCOME TO ASPEN"] [They proceed into town, a tourist mecca, passing all sorts of high-priced tony stores. The scene freezes, and the new title comes up, then the scene continues. The adults are in happy awe as a woman walks by with her two poodles in front of a jewelry store. The next sh*t is of the four boys looking out marveling at the sights. They pass a man snorting cocaine in plain view in front of Bernie's. Next sh*t is of a resort in which a skier finishes his ski run. The entrance is shown: "Aspen Heaven: A Time-Share Community." The station wagon stops in front of a condominium complex and everyone gets out, making their way to the entrance. Fade out.] [Fade in, next morning. The adults sit around a coffee table while the kids sit at the dining table eating breakfast behnd them. The adults are getting dressed for the day] Sheila: Oh, this is gonna be so much fun; I haven't skied in years! Chris: Where are Butters and Eric? Stan: They're still asleep. Chris: Butters? Eric? Come on! We gotta get to the powder! [a knock on the door, and Linda rises to answer it. Two men enter] Man: [brunet] Hello, folks, I'm Phil and this is Josh [a blond]. We're with the Aspen Time-Share Company. [the other parents gather 'round] The Parents: Hello. Josh: You folks enjoying the condo? Sheila: It's lovely. Thank you. [The dining table] Cartman: You guys, you guys! You're not gonna believe this, this is sooo funny! Kyle: What Cartman: So last night, while Butters was asleep, I gave him a h*tler. Stan: What's a h*tler? Cartman: You know, when somebody is sleeping and you put your finger up your butt and then, wipe it on their upper lip to give them a little h*tler mustache? You've never Hitlered anyone? Stan: No, I never have. Cartman: Shh-shh, here he comes. Butters: Goooood mornin', fellas! All set to go skiin'? [Cartman starts laughing] A-huh, u-uh, uh what's so funny? Cartman: [knowingly] Nothing, Butters. Right, guys?? [The front door] Phil: Well, we can't wait to show you what Aspen Time-Share is offering investors. Shall we do our thirty-minute meeting? Randy: Oh, do we have to do it right now? Josh: Well, best to do it and get it out of the way. Chris: Okay. [Phil and Josh leave, Sheila steps forward, and the adults begin to exit] Sheila: Boys, we have to go to this time-share presentation real quick, but you go meet your ski instructor on the bunny hill. The Boys: Okay. Chris: We'll meet you boys on the slopes. [exits and closes the door] Butters: Hey, do you guys smell that? Stan: Smell what? Butters: Ehh, it kind of smells stinky in this condo. [Cartman chuckles] Cartman: I don't smell anythng. Do you guys? [bursts out laughing. Stan and Kyle just look at him as Butters looks up, wondering...] [Music fades in. Exterior sh*ts of the resort are shown .The bunny slope is shown. Lifts go up and down as kids practice skiing moves. The four boys and Ike are shown waiting for their instructor.] Butters: Do you guys smell that? It smells bad out here, too. I'm starting to think this whole town smells like doodoo. Cartman: Yeah, well, that why they call is Asspen. [laughs at his cleverness. A skier skis up to them] Skier: All right, little dudes, [sets his skis aside] great to see you out here. My name is Thumper, and I'm gonna be your cool ski instructor. [gives the boys two thumbs up] Cartman: [to Stan] His name is Thumper? Thumper: We're gonna take it slow, take it easy, make sure everybody has a goood time. 'Cause what is skiing about? Having a good...? [puts his left hand to his ear, hoping for an answer. The boys just look at him] Tiime, that's right. Now, just a few safety things to keep in mind: First of all, look straight ahead when you ski. You look down, you're gonna fall, you're gonna have a bad time. Also, be aware of skiers around you. You run into another skier, your skis are gonna cross, gonna have a bad time. Butters: So where's the part where we have a good time? Thumper: Hey, little dude, you got some crap right here. [motions to the nose, where Butters does indeed have crap] Butters: Wuh that's my face, sir. Thumper: Alright, we're gonna do this without any poles until we know our two primary feet positions. To go slow, we wedge our skis together [he puts his indices and thumbs together; front ski tips touch], in the shape of a slice... of pizza. Then to go faster, we put 'em parallel, like... French fries. [begins to drift forward] You see that? [wedges the skis] Pizza, [lines up the skis] French fries, [wedges the skis] Pizza, [lines up the skis] French fries. [moves farther away each time] Butters: Ah hey, this is gonna be just like eatin' at Shakey's, huh fellas? Thumper: Okay, let's have the little dude at the end try first! What's your name? Ike: Iiiiike! Thumper: Okay, Mike, ski down to me! [Ike looks down the hill, but doesn't move] Kyle: Go on, Ike. Ike: [begins to practice the positions] Pee-za, Fron fries. Pee-za, Fron fries. Fron friiiies. [skis out of control] Peeee-zaaa [skis for a lodge and right through its wall.] Thumper: Okay, you see what he did? He French-fried when he should've piiza'd. You French-fry when you should pizza, you're gonna have a bad time. [The meeting, meanwhile. Phil and Josh are presenting the time-share plan] Phil: And so, we think we can convince you to buy one of our combos that's opening right here in Phase 4. Josh: That sounds like a GREAT investment opportunity! Gerald: I I'm sorry, but none of us can really afford to own our own vacation condo. Randy: Yeah, and to be honest, we're just doing this meeting because of the two nights free deal. Phil: Oh, I know, that's what everybody says - "Not me, I can't afford it." But what if I told you you could own one of our properties for only eight thousand dollars? Josh: Wow! Sheila: For only eight thousand dollars we can buy a condo here? Phil: Well you see, "time-share" means you buy the condo with about twenty other people like yourselves [exits screen left and immediately enters screen right] You [puts his hands together] "share" the condo with other investors and pick the [points to his watch] "time" you want to stay. Josh: [makes a fist with his right hand] Share, [makes a fist with his left hand] time. [joins his fists together] Time share. Randy: So then it's not really ours. Phil: Sure it is, one twenty-fourth and a half yours! You see, time-share has made it possible for even working-class people like you to say, "I've got a little place in Aspen." Josh: Try it. Try saying it. "I've got a little place in Aspen." The Parents: I've got a little place in Aspen. Phil: Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? Say guys, how'd you like to tell that hot secretary "I've got a nice little place in Aspen"? Hahaha. Just kidding, wives. Randy: [looks at his watch] Listen uh, it's been thirty minutes. We'd like to go h*t the slopes now? Phil: Woll uh, you still gotta come to the time-share luncheon. We did give you a free condo for the weekend. Gerald: Well your ad said we only had to attend a thirty-minute meeting. Phil: R-right, but this isn't that meeting. The luncheon is that meeting. [the parents just look at him] Don't worry, you're gonna have a great free meal at the luncheon. [Bunny slope, later.] Kyle: [practicing his moves] ...french fries... pizza... french fries... [does the pizza moves and sees Cartman fallen on his back] come on, Cartman. Cartman: Ugh, no more. [Kyle skis on. Stan is skiing as well, and another skier comes up to him, showering him with snow] Skier: Looks like you think you're a pretty good skier, huh, kid? Stan: Well I'm... catchin' on pretty fast, I guess. Skier: I've been skiing for twenty-two years. Think you could b*at me? Stan: Uhh no. Skier: What's your name, hot sh*t? [two of his friends join him] Stan: Stan. Marsh. Skier: Stan Marsh [laughs] Stan DARSH is more like it. Skier 2: Haaaa, Darsh! [his pole is slapped by the first skier's] Skier: Alright, how about a race, then? You and me. Stan: Dude, I'm just learning. Skier: OooooOOOOooo! [starts moving and squawking like a chicken, ending up facing Stan] Looks to me like you're not a "hot sh*t" after all. Stan: I never said I was. Skier: Oooooooo! Skier's friends: Oooooooo! Skier: You may think you've got what it takes, but as long as I'm around, you'll always be number two! [the two other skiers left] See ya leter, Darsh! [laughs, kicks some smow into Stan's face, and skis away] [The meeting at Aspen Heaven, later. Phil and Josh are still extolling the time-share plan] Phil: And THAT is why owning a piece of an Aspen condo is not only possible,... Josh: It's downright smart! Gerald: Aha. [waiters come in with platters of food] Phil: Op, here it is! As promised, a fabulous free lunch! Gerald: Wow, filet mignon and lobster! Sharon: [apreciatively] Not bad. [Sheila and the others begin to eat] Josh: It's nice to feel rich, isn't it. Sheila: Oh, you know, this is really great. Chris: It sure it. [the waiters whisk the plates away] Randy, Gerald: What? Randy: Wait... Phil: You see? That's the great thing about time-share. You get a little taste of luxuries you can't afford. Josh: And then share it with the people who come tomorrow. Randy: All right, look, we've been here for over three hours Gerald: Yeah. Can we go now, please? Phil: Of course you can. Go h*t those slopes! [softly] If you could just please show me the backs of your table place cards real quick? [the others pick up their cards and look] Oh my God! You got the red sticker! Josh: They got the red sticker? Phil: They got the red sticker! Chris: What's the red sticker? Josh: Uh, well, well, that means if you come up to the condo sales office you'll receive one of three great prizes. Randy: No, nononono. We, we did your meeting and we did your lunch, we're finished, okay. Phil: Okay, okay, fine, I mean... [his voice gradually drops to a whisper] It would only take a second, but, I mean, you know, what did we do for you except, give you a free condo for the weekend. Huh. Seems like you coud just... could just come up... and see what prize you had... [Josh begins to cry] Chris: A-all right! [The bunny slope, even later. Kyle and Stan are skiing down faster now, mastering the basic pizza-French fries technique] Stan: ...pizza...French fries...Frnehc fries...pizza... Kyle: ...French fries...pizza...pizza...pizza-French fries...[loses control and jerks forward, then flips over and lands next to Ike, who's half-buried in the snow. Kyle looks over and gets up quickly. He dusts himself off as Stan catches up] I wonder where our parents are. Stan: Who cares? I'm having more fun on my own. Skier: [arrives, with his friends close behind] well well well, if it isn't Stan Darsh! Stan: [winces and covers his face with his right hand] Oh no. Skier: Say Darsh, you don't mind if I take Heather out for some fondue tonight, do ya? Stan: Heather? [a woman skis up and stands next to the skier] Heather: Sorry, Stan, it's just that when it comes to skiing, Tad has all the right moves. Tad: I just might show her my moves tonight, if you know what I mean. [giggles] Heather: You aren't mad, are you, Stan? I mean, a girl's gotta look out for her best interests. Stan: [just looks at them] ...who are you people?! Tad: Still don't wanna race me? I told you he was chicken, Heather. Stan Marsh the Darsh! [laughs disdainfully] Stan: All right dude, if I race you will you leave me alone? Tad and friends: Oooooooo! Tad: Allright, fine. You and me at the summit, now! Stan: Okay. Tad's two friends: Race! Race! [Ski run, moments later. A view from the bottom shows a long run, and the resort's main buildings off to the right near the finish line] Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, Aspen Mountain presents another ex-TREME racing showdown. [the gathering crowd cheers] Seven-time World Aspen champion Tad Mikowski versus eight-year-old Stan Marsh! Tad: Hah! You're going down, little boy! Stan: Yeah, prob'ly Butters: Do you think Stan has a chance? [the countdown begins. The chutes open and Tad takes off. Stan moves along alowly, sticking to the basic moves] Uh go Stan! [Tad flies down the hill, banking and weaving throughout. Stan appears a few seconds later, going down carefully] Stan: Fries... fries... A skier: [Tad zooms past him] He's got it! Tad's gonna win it! [as the crowd cheers, Tad clears the last few hills and then goes through the finish line. He comes to a stop and people gather around him] Tad: [raising his arms in victory] Yeah! Yeeaah! Yeah!! You lose, Darsh!! [kisses Heather, who reacts. They lock lips. Stan finally crosses the finish line, in the wedge position] Yeah! [Butters, Kyle and Ike walk up to Stan] Butters: U-u-uh, Stan, ya-you gave it your best sh*t, and that all Jesus asks of you. Stan: [drops his poles] Dude, I'm just happy this whole stupid thing is all over with. [a group of young adults walk by carrying Tad high in the air. The group stops, the boys turn around to see] Tad: [looking down at Stan] No hard feelings, right Darsh?? [starts laughing.. The group moves away. The boys turn left as their eyes follow the group] Yeah!! Teen Girl: Stan, [theh boys turn to see her] for what it's worth, I think you were really brave. Stan: Thanks. Who are you? Teen Girl: Hey, all the cool teens are gonna be at the youth center tonight for a dance. I hope you'll come because you're just so... wehell, you're just so.. well, that's all. [turns around and walks off] [The valley, day. There are three long lines of people waiting to ski. The parents finally make it out of the meeting] Gerald: Finally, we get to go skiing! Randy: Oh my God, look how long the lift lines are. Gerald: Yeah, I guess these passes the time-share salesman gave us will come in handy. Lift Operator: Can I help you? Chris: Yes, we have the special passes to use the exclusive lift from the time-share comapny? Lift Operator: Ooooh, go right on ahead, folks. Sheila: Thank you. [the parents move forward and position themsleves for the lift, which comes down presently. The parents get on and the lift goes up the slope again] Randy: Well, this certainly is nice. Gerald: Yeah, we may not have gotten to ski earlier, but with this lift we'll get more runs in than anybody. Chris: Have fun waiting in line, suckers! Woohoohoo! Linda: Oh, Chris. [Randy giggles, then looks up] Hey look, this lift goes right into a building. [the lift turns, drops them off, and moves back out.] [Aspen Heaven meeting room, again.] Phil: Welcome back, folks Josh: We've got a special offer we can't wait to tell you about! Randy: Oh, God-damnit! [Aspen Youth Center. Teens enter from all sides. The boys go in as well.] Kyle: Dude, it's been twelve hours. Where the hell are our parents?! [Aspen Youth Center, inside. The boys find themselves on a dance floor listening to a live band] Teen Girl: I'm glad you guys came. Do you like our youth center? Stan: Seems fine. Voguing Skier: Yeah, too bad we're getting shut down. That hot-sh*t skier Tad's father is gonna bulldoze the building Voguing Skier 2: Where are all us kids supposed to go? Stan: Don't care. [the boys go further onto the dance floor] Kyle: What do you wanna do now? Stan: I dunno. Butters: Let's dance. [begins to dance. Cartman watches with dismay. Butters does a bunch of dancve movies, including the Moonwalk and some break-dancing] Cartman: Butters, I hate you with every inch of my body. [the music is stopped and a voice is heard] Announcer: Alright, Aspen, heh. As a special treat tonight we're proud to have the winner of today's race, Tad Mikowski. <>i>[moves off and the crowd begins to cheer as Tad approaches the mic] Tad: Yeah! Stan: Oh God. [buries his face in his hand again.] Tad: Hey everyone. [the crowd quiets down] I'd like to sing a little song, if I may. The Ladies: [swooning] Ooooooooo. Stan: Gah, let's go you guys. [turns around and leads the others towards the door...] Tad: This is a song I wrote about... Stan Marsh. [Stan stops in his tracks] Staaaaan... Daaaaarsh... Stan. Darsh. Darshy Daaarsh Stan Daaarsh Stan Darsh, Standarsh Stan Daaaaarsh Daaarsh Stan Darsh... Stan: Dude, what the hell is your problem?! Tad and friends: OooOOOOOOoooooo! Stan: I raced you, You won. Tad: A rematch? Oh, Darsh. You're ven dumber than I thought. Teen Boy: He'll ski you anytime, anywhere Teens: Yeah! Teen Girl: [talking to Tad, referring to Stan] But this time, if he wins, you get your dad to not close our youth center Stan: What??? Tad: Alright then, let's make it interesting. Tomorrow afternoon. On the K-13. [points at a window. The camera pans to the window, and a lone huge peak is shown. Tow teens look and are horrified] A Teen Boy: [steps into view] The K-13? But that's the most dangerous run in all of America. [steps away] Tad: Hell, I'm not chicken! Are you, Darsh?! [starts squawking like a chicken] Stan: I'll be there, you queen! Tad: Oh YEAH?! Stan: Yeah! Tad: Oh, Darsh, you're even dumber than I thought! Again! See ya tomorrow. [The Youth Center, outside. The boys exit the center] Butters: Uh you're not really gonna go down that K-13 run, are ya, Stan? Stan: Dude, I have to! Kyle: [shoves Stan a bit and faces him] Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you. Scrwe him, dude. Stan: Dude, he's got Heather! Kyle: You don't even know Heather! Stan: I know I know I-, ugh. Look I can't explain it but I have to do this. I'm not gonna die. I mean, how bad can the K-13 be? Mechanic: [appears out of nowhere] The K-13? You don't wanna go down that run. That run has got a historih. Thirty-five people have died goin' down it, and some say you can still see their ghosts up there. It was on that very ski run that a group of students were k*lled by a wolfboy who escaped from a mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire wichicaw who ate the flesh of children with no eyes. Yah-, a lot of history on that ski run. [the boys just look at him] Stan: ...Thank you. Mechanic: Yah. [moves off] Kyle: Look, Stan. When Kenny died I learned how important friends are. I'm not gonna lose another friend. Stan: This isn't about you, Kyle, I have to do this, okay? I have to! [Aspen Heaven, next day. The parents are still meeting with Phil and Josh] Phil: ...And so you see it's the investment opportunity that keeps on giving. Gerald: How many times do we have to tell you this? We don't want to buy shares in a condo! Josh: And we certainly don't want to pressure you. Gerald: Pressure us?! You kept us all day yesterday and then had a chair lift bring us back! Phil: Heh-ey, you can leave anytime you want. Of course, that is, if you don't want the super-secret fun prize for attending the slide show. Randy: [Rises from his chair angrily] No, we dont want the super-secret fun prize alright?! We just wanna ski!! Come on, everybody!! [leads the others towards the door] Josh: I know! Have you ever considered going in on a time share? Phil: That's only a couple thousand each, Josh! Randy: Don't listen to 'em, let's just go! [Aspen Heaven, the hallway. The parents walk down the hall] Gerald: My God, can you believe those people?! Chris: I hope you don't blame me for all that. I mean, the ad ...did... just say a thirty-minute presentation. Randy: Let's just get out of here. [opens a door across the hall. The parents find themselves in a room exactly like the one they left across the hall] Phil: Folks, I'm glad you're back, because we forgot to mention, time-share condos are still deeded properties! Parents: Aaagh!! [they turn around and walk out... er, in] Phil: Oooo, you folks REALLY lucked out this time. You're visitor number one thousand! Josh: That means you can listen to our special offer for privileged members only! Stan: That does it! I'm calling the police! [takes out the cell phone and begins dialing. One of the salesmen groans softly] [Bunny slope, day. Beginners practice their moves. A girl stands next to Thumper; he sets her up and sends her on her way] Stan: [approachs] Mr. Ski Instructor, I need a lot of training, fast. I'm gonna race down the K-13. Thumper: K-13? But you're just a beginner! You ski outta your league, you're gonna have a bad time. Stan: I have to do this, okay? I have to! Thumper: Alright, well, if you gotta get good at somethin' really fast, there's only one way to do it. Come on! [A song begins to play. Thumper is giving Stan some quick instructions and then Stan starts skiing. Thumper looks on, encouraging] Singer (and backup singers): The day is approaching to give it your best You've got to reach your prime! [Thumper and Stan do some Tai Chi on their skis, then Thumper has Stan ski down the hill blindfolded while he takes notes on technique and time] That's when you need to put yourself to the test And show us the passage of time We're gonna need a montage (Montage) A sports-training montage (Montage) [The teen girl is reading to Stan from a book: Skiing for "DUMBASSES." Then Thumper spots Stan as Stan does barbells, then has him do a few more runs. The times aren't satisfactory.] And just show a lot of things happenin' at once. Remind everyone of what's goin' on. (What's goin' on?) [Bulldozers show up at the youth center to knock it down, but a group of familes shows up to protest the demolition. Next sh*t, the parents are still at those meeting, getting quite weary and tired] And with every sh*t, show a little improvement To show it won't take too long That's called a montage (Montage) Even Rocky had a montage (Montage) [Stan skis down a little faster, and Thumper shows him how much he's improved. Tad is then shown polishing his skills, landing after a ski jump and receiving Heather into his arms. The girl reads to Stan some more, but Stan's fallen asleep. She rouses him and resumes the lesson] In any sport, if you want to go From just a beginner to a pro You'll need a montage (Montage) a simple little montage (Montage) [she shows Stan a few pictures in her book. Next, Stan is skiing down the hill with bricks weighing his shoulders down. Kyle stands on a bluff with a picture of himself and Stan and looks wistfully at it and at K-13. Cartman rubs his finger into his ass and gives a sleeping Butters the h*tler again. Cartman stifles a laugh] Always fade out (Montage) into a montage (Montage) [Again, Stan skis down the hill with Thumper looking on. Now Thumper approves of the time. The instructor, the teen girl, and Stan look out at K-13 from a nearby hill, the camera at their backs] If you fade out it seems like a long time (Montage) has passed in a montage (Montage) Montage (Montage) [The camera faces the trio now and zooms out slowly. Stan sets his skis down and steps into them, then skis down the slope. Fade out] [Aspen Heaven meeting room, day. Two officers are present with the two salesmen and the six parents] Randy: Alll the ad said was that we had to attend a thirty-minute meeting, right, and, and it's been a day and a half! These guys won't let us leave! Phl: That's not true, officers, we said they could leave at any time. Thin Cop: All right, let me see if I got this straight. You two gentlemen are offering part-time limited liability [suddenly animated] ownership in one of your fabulous condos for the one-time price of eight thousand dollars? Phil: That's right! Fat Cop: Sounds to me like if anybody should be arrested it should be YOU people for passin' up such a great deal! Thin Cop: That's right, you're practically stealing condos at that price. "Book 'em, Danno!" [laughs. The parents look on, chagrined] Randy: Oh, Jesus. Linda: No! Nooo! Gerald: The police work for time-share, too? [the police draw their g*n and aim at the parents] Phil: [somewhat menacing, moves forward] The police, the mayor, the president of the United States. Perhaps now you see the severity of your situation. I think we shall all sit down... [backs up] and listen to the presentation. Josh: [draws his own g*n and aims] Sit! [the parents go to the table and sit on the chair] Phil: Now, you're probably asking yourselves... "Can my time-share condo turn into a profit?" Josh: "What kind of cash flow can I realize from my investment?" Phil: The answer might astonish you. For over ten years investors have seen their- [Aspen Heaven ski run, finish line area, day] Announcer: The powder is fresh and the stage is set for Tad versus Stan on the K-13! [K-13 peak. Tad and Stan are ready to ski] Tad: This time you're not just goin gto lose, you're gonna die! [Finish line area. The other boys and Ike are presnt, with their instructor behind them] Kyle: I can't lose another friend. First Kenny and now Stan? All I'm gonna have left are you two douches. [Cartman gives him an angry look] Announcer: Ready. Set. Go! [the crowd cheers and Tad takes off. Stan begins to ski] Stan: Pizza... pizza... pizza... Man In Yellow Jacket: Tad's got the lead. Butters: Come on, Stan! [Tad is shown zipping down the hill, Stan is still at the summit making his way down] Tad: [stops near a tree] Haha. [pulls out a small saw hidden in the back side of his jacket] This shoud slow down Darsh a bit! [goes to the tree and starts sawing it off at the base. Stan has gone down the mountain some more] Announcer: [the crowd cheers the skiers on] And it looks like Tad is way out in front. Tad: [finishes sawing the tree in two and laughs] Now I'll win for sure! Kyle: Awgh, dude, I can't look. [closes his eyes and covers them with his hands Tad is shown zipping further down the hill, Stan has left the summit] Tad: [stops and looks up the hill, then leaves. He returns with a bucket of sand and pours it out] Let's see what some sand does to your speed, Darsh! [leaves. Stan continues his run. Tad returns with more sand and pours it out] He doesn't stand a chance, now! [Stan reaches the fallen tree and climbs over it, then continues his run. Tad pours out even more sand] I'm gonna b*at 'im! [tosses the bucket away and leaves] Announcer: [as the crowd cheers] The race is half over and Tad is still out in the lead! [Stan is moving along nicely. Tad stops further down and pushes a large cage of hamsters onto the slope] Tad: Huh, when Darsh skis by here, I'll let all these hamsters go. That should distract him just long enough for me to win the race! Teen girl: [walks in] Oh Tad. Tad: ...What are you doing up here? Teen girl: Oh nothing. I just thought I could distract you. With these. [lifts up her jacket and top. Tad look and is unable to move as he groans at what he sees. Stan moves along in the background and passes Tad, who remains spellbound. Stan reaches the finish line and breaks it. The boys and the crowd cheer the victory and approach Stan. Another song begins to play] Kyle: Good job, dude! Stan: Thanks. [Tad reaches the finish line to see the celebration start without him. He takes off his goggles and throws them to the ground in anger] Announcer: You did it, Stan! [Tad approaches Heather, who gives him the cold shoulder and walks away. Tad is crestfallen] Teen girl: Thanks a lot, Stan. Now we're gonna be able to keep the youth center. [the crowd cheers louder, and the mechanic stops by] Mechanic: Well, that does it. Looks like the spirits of the Wakachaw Indians can finally rest in peace. [three spirits rise from K-13 thanking Stan for setting them free.] Heather: [walks up to Stan] Stan, I was wrong about you. Would you like to go out again? [Stan looks at her incredulously] Teen girl: Go ahead, Stan. She's everything you ever wanted. [the parents arrive] Sheila: There you are, boys! Kyle: Mom, Dad! Stan: Where the hell have you guys been?! Chris: Uh we got a little held up at the time-share sales office. Randy: Yeah, but the good news is we finally came to our senses and bought some shares in a condo. So we all get to come to Aspen for two weeks every year! The Boys: [disappointed] Awwwwww! Chris: What's the matter? Didn't you boys like skiing? [the song is stopped abruptly] Stan: No! We can't keep track of when you pizza and when you French-fries and when the hot-sh*t assh*le skier takes your girl or if you're supposed to race him the first time or train first to b*at him on the really difficult mountain so you can save the dorky but hot girl's youth center. Skiing sucks! [turns right and leads the other boys away] Kyle: Yeah, what a stupid sport! [the parents turn left and follow the boys away] Thumper: [looks at the teen girl] I heard that you were the one responsible for making Tad lose the race. Thanks. Teen Girl: Yeah. Well he really flipped when he saw these. [lifts up her jacket and top again and two creatures appear where her breasts should be] Left Creature: [softly, slowly] Quaid... Right Creature: [softly, slowly] Start the reactor... [End of Asspen]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x02 - Asspen"}

foreverdreaming

[Commercial] Announcer: Today on the Maury Povich show, these poor unfortunate people [a sh*t of one dwarf walking, then of another being interviewed by Maury] all have horrible disfigurements, [a sh*t of a man with elephantitis getting some popcorn, then going down an escalator] and you won't believe how we exploit them for your amusement! [Maury interviews a flatheaded man, a blond with stumps for arms wrestles with a brush in the shower] [Stan's house, living room. He, Kyle, and Cartman watch television from the sofa] Stan: Hm, that sounds pretty good. "Kenny": [walks in] (Hey guys. What's going on here?) Stan: Hey Kenny! [the three boys grin] "Kenny": (Gosh darn it, my name's not Kenny!) Cartman: That's awesome, Kenny. ["Kenny" removes his hood, and it's Butters] Butters: Eh now gosh darnit, fellas, my name's not Kenny! Kenny's d*ad. Kyle: Okay, Not-Kenny. Butters: And I'm not gonna wear this coat anymore, neither! [takes off the coat and tosses it away] I should be able to be you guys' friend without wearin' Kenny's old coat! Stan: Sh be quite, Not-Kenny, the Maury Povish freak show is on. Butters: Oh, all right, then. [takes a seat on the sofa between Kyle and Cartman] [Maury Povich show] Maury: Our next guest is a little girl who was born without a midsection. Please welcome Damla Jones Damla: [a blonde] Hello, Maury. [walks out. She has spindly legs, but no chest, abdomen or back. Think Mike Wazowski of "Monsters Inc." The boys are suitably disgusted] [cut to Cartman and the boys] Cartman: Aww, sick dude! [cut to show] Maury: [Damla climbs onto the guest chair] You're a very brave little girl, and I'm very proud of you. Damla: [voice quivering] Thank you Maury: [leans forward] Can you tell the audience how miseable your life is? Damla: Uh-uh, yes. It is. Maury: [giggles] You're a cutey. Do the other kids at school sometimes make fun of you? Damla: Sometimes. Maury: [puts his left hand on her forehead] Do people sometimes stare at you? Damla: Sometimes Maury: [sits on the ground in front of her] Do they go, "Oh, gross. What the hell is that thing"? Damla: Mmm-I don't know. [looks away and down] Maury: Well your mommy told us you like to listen to music. Damla: Yes. Maury: Well guess what, Damla. We're gonna give you a three hundred dollar gift certificate to CD World in Torrance! [the studio audience applauds, music starts up to lead to commercial] All right, everyone. Stay tuned, because next we're gonna meet a woman who head was smashed in on a locker! And we're gonna giver her a makeover! [cut to sofa] Kyle: This is terrible, dude! Maury Povich parades these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks! And then gives them prizes at the end after they joked about it. What a dick! [cut to show] Announcer: Do you or someone you know have a disfigurement or disability that we can exploit on the Maury Povish show? If so, call 1-555-HEY MAURY! [cut to sofa] Stan: Dude! One of us should make up some disease and get on the Maury Povich show so we can win a prize! Kyle: Cool! Cartman: Oh YES!! [gets off the sofa and heads for the phone] Butters: Oh, that'd be awesome! [Cartman dials the number] Kyle: [he and the other two follow Cartman] Do you think they'll believe it? Stan: What disease should we say? Cartman: Shhh. Be quite, you guys! [talks to someone on the phone] Hello, is this Maury Povish? [b*at] Oh, well who the hell are you? [b*at] Oh. Well I'm calling about your ad for freaks? [Stan grins, Kyle stifles a laugh] Ye-right, people with disabilities? [b*at] Yeah, I have a friend; he has a deformity; I think he'd be perfect for your show. [b*at] Great! [b*at] Hih-his condition? [b*at] Uh, he has a condition called "chinballalitis." [b*at] Yeah, his balls actually hang from his chin. [Stna stilfes a laugh and closes his eyes, then Butters stifles a laugh. All of them giggle. Cartman tells the others] Shut uh- shut up you guys. [b*at, then on the phone] Yes. [b*at] Yes, of course he's very upset about it. [b*at] Yes, he cries all the time. [b*at] Miserable, uh huh. [b*at] You wha- Really? Stan: [drops his hands] What? [the others follow] Cartman: Dude, they say they'll fly him out day after tomorrow! Kyle: Awesome! Butters: Cool! Cartman: Uh yes, I'm sure I can convince him to come on the show. [trying to be subtle] There will of course be a prize involved? [b*at] Great. I'll call you back in an hour. [gladly] No, thank you. [hangs up] YES! Stan: This is gonna be so funny! Butters: Uh, it sure is! Kyle: But how are we gonna get the balls put on Butters' chin? Butters: Hah yeah, how are we go-? Wait... Butters' chin? Kyle: Yeah. Butters: Uh, but that's me. I'm Butters. Stan: We know. You're the one doing it, Butters. Who'd you think we were talkin' about? Butters: We-ell hold on a second, you guys. Cartman: [hops off the chair] Hey, I know how we get the balls on Butter's chin. Those Star Trek dorks down the street! They're always making crasy masks and special effects for their dumb movies. Butters: Hang on now. Kyle: Yeah. I bet they could make a fake set of balls. Come on, Butters! Butters: Wait! W-why does it have to be me?? Stan: It has to be you, Butters. Think about it. Cartman: Yeah. Butters: But fellas, if I go on Maury Povish, with- with my balls on my chin, my parents are gonna get really mad. Kyle: We'll just tell your parents we're going on a camping trip with my parents. They'll never know. Butters: I'm sorry, but the answer is un uh, uh uh, uh uh. [crosses his arms and looks away] Stan: [looks away and up] Kenny woulda done it. [Butters reacts] Butters: ...So? I told you guys before: [with emphasis] I'm not Kenny. Kyle: We know. Believe me, we know. We're reminded every day that you're not Kenny because Kenny... was cool. Cartman: Yeah. God, I wish Kenny was still alive. He'd put balls on his chin. He was such an awesome friend. Stan: [begins to walk and lead the others away] Well, come on guys. If Butters won't even put his balls on his chin for us, I guess we know where we stand. [Butters now looks chastened] Cartman: Yeah. Butters: Aw, gee whiz, yih, yo, you promise my mom and dad won't find out? [The Trekkers' place down the street, next day. The two Trekkers work on Butters] Brunet Trekker: Now, we're going to apply the latex with some spearmint gum. Butters: Hey that spearmint gum sure is stinky. Stan: Where's you get the balls from? Brunet Trekker: We made a plastic mold of his chin, and then made a latex scrotum and put two golf balls inside. Cartman: Nice. Blond Trekker: Now we just blend the skin tones, add a little hair, [spins the chair around] and presto! [shows Butters' new look to the boys. Butters indeed sports a fake scrotum] Stan: Wow! Kyle: That looks awesome! Butters: Aw, I feel silly. Cartman: They look great on you, Butters. They really do. Blond Trekker: I believe you owe us payment now? [Stan and Kyle look at each other] Stan: All right, the original AVID cut of Star Wars: Episode I Brunet Trekker: Wooww! Blond Trekker: They weren't lying! [The Trekkers' place. The boys leave the room] Kyle: [softly] Why the hell would they want that anyway? [drops to a whisper] Episode I sucked balls. Cartman: Yeah, it sucked Hairy Butters' chin balls. [the Trekkers begin to fight over it the tape. Butters checks his new balls self-consciously] Blond Trekker: Here, damnit! Brunet Trekker: Hey, hey! Stop it, man! [Denver Airport, next day] Announcer: Gay Air Flight 243 with service to New York now ready for general boarding. Stan: That's your flight, Butters. Cartman: Okay, here's your ticket [hands it to Butters] and they're gonna have a car waiting for you at the gate in New York. [pushes him forward] Butters: Uh wait. [stops] You guys aren't comin' with me? Stan: Hell no, dude. Then we couldn't watch you on TV. Butters: [backs up into the lineup] Ho-old on a minute, guys, I've changed my mind. I don't wanna go. Cartman: God, isn't Butters awesome for doing this, you guys? Kyle: Yeah, he sure is. Stan: Doing all this to bring us back a prize. What a great friend! [pause] Cartman: Buh-ters! Buh-ters! Butters: [hesitant] Uhhh all right, then. See you guys tomorrow. [heads for the gate, then turns around. The boys wave at him. Butters looks down, then walks into the plane.] [New York, TV Studio, day] Stagehand: Thanks for coming on the show, kid. Maury is very excited to meet you. And this is the Green Room where you can hang out with the other guests until we call for you on set. Boy with Balls on Chin, meet Man with Foot on Head, Girl with Rapid Aging Disease, Disfigured Country Singer, and Man With No Face. Butters: Wow! Scooped-out face guy! Ah-ah-I've seen you on TV before. Man With No Face: [goes for some water] Yes, this is my sixth appearance. [drinks] Stagehand: I'll come back in a bit, folks. [leaves] Man with Foot on Head: Hey Roger! [the stagehand stops] What the hell is with these horrible veggie platters?! Disfigured Country Singer: Yeah, we told you last time we want fresher vegetables. Roger: I'm sorry, this is what the studio provides. Just take a seat on the couch, kid. I'll be back in a minute. [Butters looks at the others, then makes his way to a spot on the couch and sits down. A long silence follows] Disfigured Country Singer: ...Boy with balls on his chin. Haven't seen you around. How long have you been on the circuit? Butters: What circuit? Man with Foot on Head: The talk-show circuit. Don't tell us this is your first one. Butters: Uh well, yeah. You've all done it more than once? Man With No Face: Oprah two times, Jenny Jones once, Sally Jessie five times. Disfigured Country Singer: [looks at the man with no face] You've only done Jenny once? Man with Foot on Head: Oh, ah I hate doing the Jenny Jones show. They don't even have their own hair people. Man With No Limbs: I'm doing Jenny tomorrow. Disfigured Country Singer: Yeah, you picked a good show to do first, kid, but you need to learn the ropes. There are a lot of people like you all over the country, and we all do talk shows for a living. Man with Foot on Head: We all know each other and we kinda stick together to make sure our industry is protected Man With No Face: Yeah. Like when someone LIES about being a freak. Butters: [trembling] Oh they, they do, huh? Disfigured Country Singer: Yeah, they'll make up a fake condition to go on these shows and then take our money away! Man With No Limbs: We don't take kindly to that. Butters: Well I can certainly see why. Man With No Limbs: It's okay. Folks don't do it anymore. Not after what they saw what we did to Lobster Boy. Butters: Lobster Boy? Man with Foot on Head: Yeah, loh-, Lobster Boy used to make appearances on all the talk shows. He was one of the most popular disfigured peoiple on TV. Disfigured Country Singer: But then we all found out that Lobster Boy wasn't a real freak at all. He was just an actual lobster. Man With No Limbs: [grousing] Lying sack of crap. Man with Foot on Head: So you know what we did to him? Butters: What? Man with Foot on Head: One night all us freaks got together, and we... boiled him alive. [Butters stares, then an image of a lobster in a boiling pot appears, then vanishes] Disfigured Country Singer: Now Lobster Boy is no more. Butters: Oh. Yeah. I I hate when people fake conditions, too. Those stupid fakers. Man with Foot on Head: We're glad you agree. Stagehand: Okay, Boy with balls on his chin, you're up next. Butters: [hops off the couch and heads for the door.] Oh, Jesus, see me through this. [Maury Povich Show promo] Announcer: Next on the Maury Povich show: we bring back some of our favorite disfigured people [four scenes: first, the man with the foot on his head is talking to the girl with rapid aging disease and disfigured country singer, then the disfigured country singer is shown eating a subway sub, then the man with no face shows his disfigurement, and finally Butters' shadow is shown in profile] and introduce you to some new ones [Stan's living room. The boys watch TV.] Stan: Here he comes. Kyle: This is gonna be awesome! [Maury Povich Show, new segment] Maury: Our next guest suffers from a rare birth defect which caused his testicles and scrotum to grow from his chin. Cartman: Testicles and scrotum! [laughs gleefully] Maury: Please welcome eight-and-a-half-year old Napoleon Bonaparte from South Park Colorado. [Butters looks out timidly at the audience from behind the curtain, then heads for the guest chair.] Thanks so much for coming on our show. Butters: Huh, that's okay, I, I s'pose. Maury: So, is it tough being ...different? Butters: Uhhh, yeah. Maury: And do all the kids at school make fun of you? Butters: [forgetting why he's supposedly made of] They sure do. They always say to me, "Butters, you're not Kenny." But I never said I was Kenny. They say Kenny would do this and Kenny would do that- Cartman: Uh oh, we're losin' him. Butters: I'm tired of it. You hear me, fellas?! Kenny's d*ad and you'll just have tuh deal with it. Maury: Uh, yeah, but I mean, do the kids make fun of you because of your condition? Butters: Uh what condition? Maury: [terse] You have balls that hang off your chin. Butters: I do?? Uh. Oh. I, I mean, yeah-ah I do. Uh. Yeah, the kids at school make fun of me for that. Stan, Kyle: Phew. Cartman: Oh, that was close. Maury: What names do they call you at school? Butters: Aaahhh well, aaahmm, ...I guess they call me uh, Chinball Boy, and uh, Ballchin Boy, nnnd when I, when I'm walkin' they'll say, "Hey, there goes Chinballs!" [Stan and Kyle grin, Cartman laughs hard] Maury: And do they call you "freak" and and "weirdo"? Butters: Well yeah, I s'psoe Maury: [sits on the floor and draws closer] Do they point at you and laugh? Do they make you wish you'd never been born? Make you wish to put an end to the whole... miserable wretched earth? Butters: Uh, sure. Maury: Well Napoleon, we have a surprise for you. Stan, Kyle: Wait, here it is, here it is! Cartman: The present. Maury: Because you're such a brave little chinballed man, we're gonna send you directly from this studio to the world's largest putt-putt golf course in the world! Butters: Oh really? Kyle: Wow! Cartman: Did he say "the... largest putt-putt golf course in the world"? Maury: Go on, you're going right now!! [Butters hops off and walks away happily] Stan: But, that's not fair! That means Butters gets to go and we don't! Kyle: Yeah! We thought of the whole thing! Cartman: Euh! Once again Butters is tryin' to screw us over! That assh*le! [Cartman's room, later that day. Cartman is on the phone] Cartman: Hello, is this the Maury Povich show? [b*at] Yes, I'm calling because I saw your television program, and I also have balls hanging from my chin. [strokes his "balls"] I'd like to come in and talk about my disorder and perhaps get a free trip to the largest putt-putt golf course in the world? Operator: [just painted the fingermails on her right hand and is having them dry] I'm sorry, but we're done doing freak shows for now. We're looking for people for a new topic. Cartman: What's the new topic? Operator: Please help my out-of-control child. Cartman: Oh. Hey, I'm out of control! Operator: Really? [pulls out a notepad and starts taking notes] Is your mother in tears every day over how disobedient you are? Cartman: Uh, sure! Operator: Does she worry about you doing drugs and having sex at such a young age? Cartman: Ehyeah, sure. Ah I do crack and pot pourri, and queazies Operator: Well that's great! If you can get your mom to come in with you, we'd love to fly you out. Cartman: [stunned] ...my, my mom? [Cartman's home, kitchen. His mom is humming and preparing gingerbread men for baking. Cartman enters with his hands clasped behind his back] Cartman: Mmoooomm? Liane: Yes, sweetie? Cartman: Could yo do me a favor? Liane: What's that, my little man? Cartman: Could you um... go on the Maury Povich show with me and say that I'm out of control and do drugs and have sex so that I can go to the largest putt-putt gold course in the wwoooorrlldd? Liane: Hmmm. but you're not out of control, muffin. You're my perfect little gum drop. Cartman: I'm just asking you to lie for me. You love me, don't you? Liane: Orf course I do. Cartman: Oh, I have such a pretty mother. Such a wonderful mother. Liane: Sweetie, don't. Cartman: Then it's settled. Oh, I have such a great mother. [turns around and walks out] Such a beautiful mother. [Butters' house. He's back from New York and his parents have apparently heard about the show. Chris has his arms folded in front of him] Linda: Just what did you think you were doing, Butters? Not only did you lie to us and say you were on a camping trip with Kyle's family, you made a fool of yourself AND us on national television! Butters: [still wearing his balls, looking hurt] Oh I'm sorry, mom. Chris: Well, sorry isn't gonna make it this time, mister! You know, your grandmother saw the show and had a mild stroke! Butters: Aw jeez, ah I didn't mean to almost k*ll Grandma. I promise I'll never go on TV with balls on my chin again. Chris: Ugh! You'd better believe you won't, buster! Linda: Your father and I have to leave now to visit Grandma in the hospital, but you can just take those balls off your chin and march right up to your room! Butters: [with voice trembling, turns around] Yes ma'am. [removes his balls] [Butters' room. He's pacing the floor mad at himself] Butters: Serves me right! Puttin' balls on my chin and lyin' about it. Why I, I should be grounded for a month! Why do I do these things? Why can't I behave myself? [his phone rings. Butters goes for the receiver] Stan: [on the other end] Hey Butters, those other freak people from the show were just over here looking for you? Butters: Oh Jesus! They were?? Stan: Yeah, they wanted to find you bad. Butters: Well Oh, God! W-whatdya tell him? Stan: I- told them where to find you. Butters: What?? W-why the heck would you do that. Wuh they wanna k*ll me for not bein' a real freak! Stan: Oh. Well, serves you right for screwing us over. [hangs up. Butters looks helpless, then walks to the window to see if the freaks are coming. They are indeed] Butters: Oh Jesus no. [hops off his dresser and walks away from the window] They've come to boil me alive! Uh just like Lobster Boy! Ah, I've gotta get outta here! [reaches his bedroom door, but turns around] Wait! I can't go anywhere. I'm grounded. Oh Christ, what a pickle! [the doorbell rings.] [Butters' house, out front. A scream is heard and the freaks look around] Man with Foot on Head: Napoleon? [the disfigured country singer goes for the knob and opens the door.] Disfigured Country Singer: Napoleon Bonaparte? [leads the other freaks in. Butters quickly prepares his false scrotum...] I think he's up here. [opens the door, and Butters grins back at them with one hand on the dresser and a suave pose. His balls are back in place] Butters: Oh, hello, folks. Uh what's the problem? Disfigured Country Singer: There you are, Boy With Balls On His Chin. Man with Foot on Head: We've got big news! The union is striking. Butters: [relaxes] The union? Oh, that's why you came? Disfigured Country Singer: We're tired of our crappy prizes! So the union president, Man with Terrible Skin Condition, has told us to round everyone up. Butters: Uh uh I can't freak strike, fellas. Ah-, I'm grounded. Man with Foot on Head: Grounded for what? Butters: For havin' balls on my- AH! Ah, I mean, nothin'. [strikes the pose again] Ah I'm not grounded. Man With No Face: Good, then you can march with us. Freaks of the world, The Freaks: Unite! [Butters looks at them] [Maury Povich show] Announcer: Today on Maury Povich: These moms [three are shown. Only Liane grins] don't know what to do with their out-of-control kids! [a fat blonde girl is shown, then Cartman's school picture] Young boys and girls so whorish on our show that it borders on child p*rn! Maury: [on his stool] We're here talking with moms who think their children are out of control. [the woman next to him blows her nose] Vanessa here says that her thirteen-year-old daughter Vanity is already doing drugs and having sex with older men [Vanessa begins to bawl] Studio Audience: Ooohhhhhhhh Maury: Vanessa, what does Vanity say to you when you tell her toooo... do her homework. Vanessa: [sobbing] She says she hates me. She, she calls me "ret*rd"? And, she says my cooch is all dried up and nobody wants it. [sobs some more] Studio Audience: Aawwwwww. [music starts up] Maury: Well, let's bring her out. Here's Vanity! [she steps out and the awws turn into boos] Vanity: Wha'evah, wha'evah! You f*ck' cocksuckers don't know shit! f*ck you! [moosn the audience, and an OOPS! bubble appears over the area. Vanity then walks up to her mom and slaps her hard across the face. Vanessa winces in pain] Maury: Wow, Vanity, you are really an out of control teen. Some audience members: Yeah! [the rest cheer, then a chant rises from the din] Maury! Maury! Vanity: Wha'evah! Maury, my mom don't know shit! You could aks her! I aks her all my homies that they be down wit it. You know, it's all good shit. [the audience boos and she holds up her middle fingers, which are blurred] f*ck you, cocksuckuhs! [Green room. Cartman and his mom watch the show in there.] Cartman: Jeez, that girl is pissed off. Stagehand: [enters] Okay, Cartman family, you're on in two minutes. [leaves] [On stage.] Vanessa: [weeping] Why can't you just listen to me and love me [Vanity slaps her] Ow! Vanity: Shu' up! Shut the f*ck [slap] up, you God-aweful skank! [slap. Vanessa weeps again] [Green room. Cartman and his mom watch the show in there.] Liane: I'm glad you're not that bad, poopsie-kins Cartman: [under his breath] But if I'm not the most out-of-control teen, I might not win the prize. [leaves the room and finds the stagehand] Excuse me, I wanna make a quick change. Where's wardrobe? Stagehand: Second door on the right. [Outside the building, the freaks have gathered and are now on strike - "FREAK OUT 2K2"] The Freaks: Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Man with Terrible Skin Condition: Brothers and sisters, the time has come for us to be treated with the respect we deserve! We are a strong and diverse group of people, with members like [shown] Woman with Crablike Body, [shown] Incredibly Obese Black Person, [shown] Man with Brains Outside of Head, and [shown] Liza Minelli. The talk shows have us on and give us little gifts and perks while they make tens of thousands of dollars. The Freaks: Yeah! Man with Terrible Skin Condition: We told the talk shows our demands, and they laughed! They say they can get plenty of other stupid guests to go on their shows! So we must picket those other guests! The Freaks: Yeah! Butters: Well, gush, ah, I need to go. I can't picket, guys. Hammerhead Man: You're not gonna picket? Man with Terrible Skin Condition: Who's not gonna picket? [the crown parts and all hands point to Butters] Disfigured Country Singer: Boy with Balls on Chin doesn't wanna picket. [lowers his left arm] Butters: Well it's jsut that my parents are... I can't picket! Man with No Limbs: [emerges from the crowd] Why? You're not a SCAB, are you? Butters: NO I I'm not a scab. Man with Terrible Skin Condition: Now, we will split up into groups and form picket lines. The first group will be led by: Incredibly Obese Black Man. Incredibly Obese Black Man: Escuse me, I'm not Incredibly Obese Black Man, I'm Incredibly Black Obese Man. Man with Terrible Skin Condition: [looks at Incredibly Black Obese Man, then says flatly] ...Oh, right. My bad. [Maury Povich show, back to out-of-control-child segment] Announcer: And now, back to more kids who are out of control, on the Maury Povich show! Maury: Our next mother is Liane Cartman. Her son claims to be the most out-of-control kid in the world and says there's nothing his stupid mom can do about it. Studio Audience: Awww. Vanessa: Why won't you kids behave? [Vanity stands and smacks her acroos the face] Vanity: [shakes her mom around by the neck] Shut up, skank, he's not talkin' to you! [slaps her again and sits down] Maury: So, Ms. Cartman, you can't control your child? Liane: Oh, my little poopsie-kins gets into no-nos once in a while, but he's still my perfect little plumsy-kiddle Maury: Well, your son made a video backstage. Let's take a look. [a video starts up with Cartman dolled up as a slut moving around to hip-hop music] Cartman: Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, bitch! Yeah I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt! [brings out a lollipop] I don't go to school and I k*ll people! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt! Studio Audience: [gasps, then] BOOOO!! Liane: Oh, he's such a cutie. Maury: Well, let's bring him out. Here's Eric Cartman! [steps out from behind the curtain and immediately gives the finger to the audience] Cartman: Wha'evah! Wha'evah! [walks up to a seat next to his mom's and sits there] Maury, my mom can't control me, I'm tough! Go on, aks hurh! Maury: Ms. Cartman, what does your son like to do? Liane: Ooo, he loves playing with his Clyde Frog and Wellington Bear. Cartman: [under his breath] Mom, we're pretending, remember? Sex and drugs. Liane: Oh, I mean, sex and drugs. Studio Audience: Oooohhh! Cartman: [hops off his chair and tries the audience] What-evah! What-evah! [snaps his left-hand fingers back and forth] I'll do what I waunt! Vanity: Oh, what-evah. You ain't tough, ho! I roam with gangs! Cartman: Oh yeah?! I roam with twelve gangs! And we only commit hate crimes! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt! [sits back down] Vanity: What Evah! You ain't bad! You ain't nothin'! I ditch class and go sh**t heroin in the school bathroom! Cartman: What-evah! I ran for Congress and won. Then I had sex with an intern, k*lled her, and hid her body! What-evah, I'll do what I waunt! [Outside the building, the freaks have gathered and are now on strike - "FREAK OUT 2K2"] Man with Terrible Skin Condition: What do we want? The Freaks: Better prizes! Man with Terrible Skin Condition: When do we want them? The Freaks: Now! Man with Terrible Skin Condition: What do we want? The Freaks: Better prizes! Butters: [muttering along] Better prizes. Man with Terrible Skin Condition: When do we want them? The Freaks: Now! Butters: Never. [approached the Man with Terrible Skin Condition] Sir, I really gotta go home. My parents are gonna be sore at me. Man with Terrible Skin Condition: Napoleon, you need to understand something: for a union to work all members must be prepared to make sacrifices and stick together. Butters: But I gotta get back to my family. Man with Terrible Skin Condition: [drops his sign and drops on one knee next to Butters] We're you family too, Napoleon. We're like you. When we look at you we don't even see the testicles on your chin. We see the testicles in your heart. [back to the freaks] What do we want? The Freaks: Better prizes! Man with Terrible Skin Condition: When do we want them? The Freaks: Now! Butters: Aw. hamburgers, this just keeps on gettin' worse. [joins the others in the strike. Several police cruisers pull up and police pour out of them] Police Captain: Okay folks, we're gonna have to move along. Man with Foot on Head: Why? We're a union and we have a right to picket. Police Captain: I'm sorry, but the government does not recognize you as a union. You'll have to go. Middle Dwarf: What are you saying? That because of our appearance our organization is less important? Police Captain: Now now now, I'm not telling you people that your union doesn't matter, I'm just telling you that you're not really... people. Man with Foot on Head: ...Alright, that does it! It's time to bring out the big g*n! Prepare the video sabotage! Butters: Oh no, not the video sabotage, uh. [Maury Povich show, back to out-of-control-child segment] Announcer: ...child? We're back with Maury. Maury: We're here, talking with moms who think their children are out of control. Vanity: What evah! Cartman: I slaughtered five baby seals with my bare hands. What-evah! I'll do what I waunt! Maury: [walks to the third woman on the panel] Now let's meet Joline. Joline says that her daughter is also out of control, that she's flirting with older men, and, she's only four months old. Studio Audience: Aawwww. Joline: Mmhmm, that's right Maurih. Maury: Let's bring her out: here's Chantal! [Chantal crawls out amid audience boos. The camera focuses on her diaper. Chantal reaches Joline, who picks her up and sits her on the chair next to hers] So Joline, exactly how is your daughter out of control? You say she flirts with older men? [Chantal plays with her rattle] Joline: Maurih, it's like this: Whenever I have friends over to the house Chantal will come waltzin' in the livin' room completely naked! Studio Audience: Ooohhh! Vanity: Whatevah. I helped in a drive-by sh**ting. Cartman: What-evah. I digitally put Jabba the Hutt back into the original Star Wars movie! I'll do what I waunt! Maury: Wow, that is out of control! Joline: Why, just last night I had three gentlemen callers over to my house, and Chantal took her clothes off right in front o' everybody! Studio Audience: Boooo! [Chantal drops down and starts wiggling.] Joline: You see? [Her diaper drops, then her top.] There she goes. There she goes. [Chantal shows her butt to the audience] OH! YOU GOD-DAMNED WHORE! [the screen behind them spuuters and changes. The Maury Povich logo disappears] Man with Foot on Head: [appearing] Attention Maury viewers Maury: What the hell is this? [another image replaces the one of Man with Foot on Head] Elephant Man: A lot of decent hard-working freaks in America are losing their talk-show jobs to freaks of a different nature. Sure, everyone in this great country of hours is a freak, but true, physically deformed freaks must be recognized, for it's these real freaks that make you all feel better about yourselves for not being one. So next time you're watching television, make sure it's a show with "freak" freaks, and not just with people that are freaks because they're stupid trailer trash from the South. That's what we mean when we say, "Look for the True Freak label" [his image fades to that of the True Freak label] Butters and the Freaks: [Butters sits atop a True Freak label box and starts off] Look for the True Freak label [four freaks join in] When you are watching a TV talk show [a side sh*t of more freaks streaming their way to the box] Remember somewhere, [a sh*t of the audience] our union's growing [a front sh*t of the freaks walking in] Our wages going to feed the kids. [a front sh*t of more freaks walking in] And run the house- We work hard, but who's complaining? [a zoom-out sh*t as the freaks crowd in around Butters] With TFU we're making our way! [a pan sh*t] So always look for the True Freak label, [a full crowd sh*t] Because you need us right here in the U.S.A.! [the Maury Povich logo is restored] Maury: Ah, sorry America, a little glitch there, heh. Anyway- Man: They're right. We should have never crossed that picket line. Come on, honey. [takes her hand and leads her out. Other audience members begin to grouse and leave] Maury: [pleading] Wait! Come back, uh-... Maybe we can make the other out-of-control kids take... their clothes off, too! Cartman: [hops off his chair and steps forward] Whatevah! I'll crap in my... pants! [more audience members leave] Cameraman: Sir, the ratings have just started to plummet. Maury: Ah, those damned freaks! [throws his microphone against the back wall and heads for the exit] [Outside the Maury Povich studio. A door opens and Maury steps out. The freaks stop and wait] Maury: I gave you shoes! And groceries! And this is how you repay me?! [the freaks simply look back at him] Very well. Just come upstairs and... we'll negotiate! [goes in and slams the door shut. A few seconds later the freaks cheer their victory] Man with Foot on Head: We did it! The strike worked! Man with Terrible Skin Condition: Now we can go on with our careers! Butters: Whoa, thank God that's over. Now I can get back home. [drops his sign and moves off. An angry Cartman catches up to him] Cartman: Butters, you have screwed me out of a prize for the last time! [rips the balls off Butters' chin. The frreaks react immediately and fall silent] Butters: Oh. Double hamburgers. Man with Foot on Head: Jesus Christ! That out-of-control kid ripped poor Napoleon's balls right off! Incredibly Obese Black Man: Get him! Cartman: Aaahh! [three freaks trail behind with a boiling pot of water] Incredibly Obese Black Man: Get him! Get him! [the freaks charge at Cartman, who runs off in fear] Butters: Hey. Things actually turned out... okay for me this time. [a taxicab pulls up and screeches to a halt] Chris: [quickly exits the cab with Linda] Butters! Butters: [anticipating] Oh I know. [End of Freak Strike]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x03 - Freak Strike"}

foreverdreaming

[A ranch, day. A rancher stands next to his cow corral as the South Park Elementary bus drives up. The bus stops and Ms. Choksondiksteps off] Ms. Choksondik: Okay children, step off the bus and form a group next to the nice redneck - I mean, rancher. Rancher: Hello, boys and girls. My name is Rancher Bob. Ms. Choksondik: Let's all say hello to Rancher Bob. Kids: Hi, Rancher Bob. Rancher Bob: I'm pleased to show you all the wonderful world of beef. Follow me. Kyle: [to Stan] City kids get to go to museums for field trips. We get cow farms. Rancher Bob: Now, out here you can see our cattle. This is where the magic begins as the cows eat and sleep and prepare for certain death. [a sh*t of the cows looking back at the class.] Cartman: They look so delicious. [Kyle looks at him] Rancher Bob: [leading the class down a line of cows] Now here we have the slaughterhouse. This is where we turn the cows into steaks and burgers. [a cow moos and a guillotine comes down, chopping its head off.] Kids: Eewwww!! Kyle: Aw, dude. [Two workers come and carry the cow's body away, leaving the head behind. Rancher Bob reaches down for a skinned leg and holds it up] Rancher Bob: Hey, anybody want a free sample? Cartman: [raises his arm up with glee] Memememee! Rancher Bob: [now standing next to a darkened doorway] And in here, boys and girls, we have our... [flips on a switch, illuminating the room beyond.] veal ranch. [the class looks at the baby calves in the room. A closeup changes the music from spritely to somber. A sh*t of the class, with some kids showing some dread. Bob walks over to a calf and kneels by it] You see, with veal the whole key is keepin' the cows chained so they can't walk around or get any exercise. That way, their muscle tissue stays soft, and makes for tender veal. Stan: Wiat a minute. Veal is... little baby cows?? Rancher Bob: Yeppir. Kyle: Then why the hell do they call it "veal"?? Rancher Bob: Well, if we called it "little baby cow" people might not eat it. Stan: Yeah, I wouldn't have. Butters: Huh, me neither. Cartman: Oh, man, look at that one! [moves towards the calves] It looks delicious Kyle: What?? Cartman: Mm, succulent and juicy. [reaches the calf he was eyeing] Can we have a free sample of these, too? Rancher Bob: Well, no, but all these veals are goin' to the slaughterhouse tomorrow mornin'. They'll be steaks by tommorow afternoon and then you can buy them at your grocery store. Cartman: Alriiight! Stan: Tomorrow morning? [a sh*t of the calves has Stan, Kyle, and Butters transfixed. The rest of the class leaves] Dude, we gotta help them. Kyle: Yeah. [Cartman's house, night. A light is on in the living room. Catman is asleep in his bed. Butters, Stan and Kyle climb up to his window.] Stan: [knocks twice on the wall below the window] Pst, Cartman. Cartman: [responding to a dream] No, Uncle Jesse, no! Stan: [knocks twice while saying] Cartman, wake up! Cartman: [wakes up and sees his friends] What? What the hell are you guys doing?? Kyle: [opening the window] Come on, we've gotta go! Cartman: Where are we going? Stan: We're gonna go to save the little baby cows, fatass! Cartman: What? Why? Kyle: 'Cause they're gonna get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole! Cartman: So? Stan: So we can't let 'em die, douchebag! You're our friend; now come help us! Cartman: Well, lessee, in the last three point two seconds you've called me "fatass," "butthole," and "douchebag." I really don't feel like you guys's friend. [lies back down and closes his eyes] Stan: We're sorry, you are our friend. We need you to help us because friends stick together. Butters: Uh-wait. I thought... yoyou said we needed him because he has the "Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset." Stan: [heaves softly] Damnit Butters, will you shut up?! Cartman: [sits up] Oho! So you me and my Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset! Stan: [plainly] Yes we do. We're those little baby cows' only hope. Will you help us? Cartman: Yes. Yes I will. If Kyle will kiss my black ass. [turns his ass to Kyle, lowers his pants and underwear, and waits] Kyle: What?! Cartman: Just give it a little kiss and I'll help. Kyle: Screw you, Cartman! Cartman: Hokay, but if you want my help you have to give it just a little kiss. [softly] Kiss it. Stan: Go on, dude it's the only way. Kyle: No! Cartman: Kiss it. Come on. [gruffly] Kiss it. Stan: Just do it really fast, and we can go. Kyle: Have Butters kiss it. Cartman: No, it has to be Kyle. [turns away. Kyle resists for a few moments, then slowly moves his face towards Cartman's ass through the window. Kyle finally reaches the ass and Cartman unleashes a juicy fart. Kyle withdraws in fits and starts] Kyle: Awww! [wipes off his face and then waves away the smell] Cartman: [laughs uproariously] Oh man, that was soho awesome! Kyle: Sick! I felt it on my face! Stan: Okay, very funny Cartman, now come on! Cartman: [] Hell, I'm not goin' with you! Kyle: Hyaaaa! [lunges at Cartman and starts hitting him] Cartman: Heeeey! [rolls off the bed and the wrestling continues] [Rancher Bob's ranch, night. The boys are walking on the roof of the veal ranch. They stop, and Stan opens the playset to put on the costume and harness] Butters: Oh I don't know about this, fellas. It says right here on the Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset: "Not for actual breaking and entereing. B-breaking and entering is a cr-riime." Stan: Yeah, well k*lling little helpless baby cows should be a crime, too! [holds up parts of a torch] How does this thing work, Cartman? Cartman: [heaves and takes the torch from Stan] Jesus, don't you guys have any toys? First you put on the black ski mask [hands it to Stan] and use the torch to cut a hole in the roof. [opens the gas valve and lights the gas stream. A blue flame sh**t out and the other boys jump back.] [The hold is created, and Stan, now dressed in black and in harness, is lowered into the ranch. He stops just short of the ground] Stan: [softly into his headset] Okay, that's far enough. I'm going to go delta. Cartman: [peers down. Butters and Kyle join him] You have to talk louder. I forgot the double-A batteries for the SuperTalk play-action headset. Stan: [looks up and calls out] I said that's far enough! [the harness drops to the floor. He gets up and unlocks himself out of the harness, and it goes back up. A calf looks back at him innocently. Stan moves up behind the calf, the softly] Don't be scared, little baby cow. We're here to set you loose. [removes the chain] There you go. You're free. Run away! [the calf doesn't move, and Stan gestures] Go! They're gonna m*rder you. Cartman: Stan, could you hurry it up? I'm freezing my ass off. Kyle: You need to freeze some of your ass off. Cartman: O! At least I have as ass, Jew! Kyle: What? [below, Stan removes the chains from the remaining calves] Stan: Come on, you stupid baby cows! [walks towards the door and lifts up the security bar, then opens the door] You have to get out of here. [they just lift their heads and look at the entrance. The other boys join Stan inside the veal ranch] Butters: Huuh what's the matter? Stan: They aren't leaving. Cartman: See? Maybe they want to become sweet juicy veal steaks. Kyle: Hey. They've never been allowed to walk before. They just don't know how. Stan: Oh yeah, they're too weak to move. [a sh*t of the calves again] Well, we've gotta get 'em out of here. We'll just keep them at Butters' house until they can get their strength back. Butters: No no no no no! I can't bring cows into my house. I'll get grounded. Stan: Okay, fine Butters! I guess you're not a team player! We'll bring them to my house. Kyle: Dude! How are we gonna move twenty three calves to your house? Stan: I dno't know. Cartman: I've got it. We could k*ll Butters, and then float the calves on a river of blood. Kyle: Don't be stupid, Cartman! Butters doesn't hve that much blood in him! Butters: Eh yeah I do too! Stan: [moves towards the calves] We're just gonna have to carry them one by one. [lifts up his first calf] Come on, you guys. [Kyle and Butters look at each other, then move to join Stan] Cartman: Eh! [follows] [The boys are shown walking down an icy road, each carrying a calf... except... one calf is sliding across the ice, then stops. Cartman appears to follow it, but he approaches it and stands next to it] Cartman: Check it out, you guys. I'm calf-curling. [pushes the calf further across the ice] [Stan's house, day. The boys and the calves are in Stan's room. Three of the boys are there with the calves] Cartman: Man, these calves smell like crap! I don't see how you're gonna hide them from your mom much longer. Stan: We won't have to. Butters said he has something in his house that makes baby cows strong again. He's bringing it over. Kyle: Butters has that at his house? Butters: [enters carrying a box] Hey fellas! Stan: Butters! [Butters turns] Did you bring it? Butters: I sure did. We'll have those poor baby cows in shape in no time! Kyle: All right! Butters: [reads the box] "Susanne Sommers' Calf Exerciser." Stan: What? Butters: "Makes your calves stronger in just - two days!" Kyle: Oh, God-damnit! That's your plan? Butters: Eh, you thnk it's a gimmick? Susanne promises right on the box that it works. [Stan's house, front door, moments later. Rancher Bob and Officer Barbrady are at the front door. Barbrady knocks. Sharon opens the door and Rancher Bob tips his hat to her] Officer Barbrady: Hello, Mr. Marsh. Sharon: Officer Barbrady. What can I do for you? Officer Barbrady: Well, we've got a little problem. Gent here caught your boy and his friends trespassing on his ranch. They stole some of his property. Sharon: Stole? A-a-are you sure? [Randy and Shelley appear next to her] Rancher Bob: I followed a calf-curling path right to your house, ma'am. Shelley: Ooo, Stan's in trouble. Let me kick his ass, Mom. Sharon: Not now - my son is not a thief. I'm sure this is just some kind of a misunderstanding. [she leads the others upstairs to Stan's room.] Stanley, did you see-? [she's stunned at what she sees] Stan: Aw crap! Sharon: Stanley, what are you doing with those calves? Stan: [points an accusing finger at Rancher Bob and approaches] That assh*le is gonna k*ll them and feed them to people! Randy: Stanley, they belong to him. Stan: They don't belong to anybody! Please Mom, we don't want these calves to die. Shelley: Let me h*t him, Mom! Sharon: Stanley, this isn't up for discussion. The rancher is gonna take his cows back and [points at him] you don't have a choice! [Stan looks dejected, then defiant. He closes his door and locks himself in with Butters and Kyle. Sharon then pounds on the door and tries to open it] Stanley! Stanley, you open this door right now or you're gonna get it! Stan: No! Randy: Stan, you're behaving like a kid! Stan: You're the ones who made me eat veal without telling me what it was! You're the onew who know we were making little baby animals suffer! [walks off to his right] Sharon: Open this door, now! Stan: [pushing his dresser into place against the door] Kiss my ass! Butters: Oh Jeez, he said "ass" to his parents. Kyle: You're getting in pretty deep, dude. [Stan glares back with a look of determination] [Stan's house, living room. The adults have gone back downstairs.] Sharon: I apologize for this, Mr. rancher person. Rancher Bob: Oh, why, why don't you just tell them that the cows will be safe. And when they come out I can take them back. Sharon: I can't lie to my son, okay? If I betrayed him like that, I'd pay for it the rest of my life. Rancher Bob: Well that's just too bad. Look it, that's eight hundred dollars' worth of veal up there and I have to ship it out Friday. What are you goin' to do, Officer Barbrady? Officer Barbrady: Me?? How did I get into this mess? [Stan's room. Stan paces the floor.] Kyle: So what happens now? Stan: I'm gonna lock myself in here with these cows until we have a guarantee of their safety, in writing. Kyle: We're with you, dude. Butters: Yeah. Stan: [serious] Don't be so sure. Because I'm gonna tell you: this is gonna get ugly. Real ugly. When all is said and done you could all be looking at being grounded for three, perhaps even four weeks. So if any of you guys want out, just say the word now. Cartman: I want out. Stan: [glares] Shut up, Cartman. Kyle: We're with you, Stan. Butters: Hey y-yeah. W-w-we can't let those little baby cows down. Why, they've got no one else to turn to. Stan: Then it's settled. One for all and all for one! Except Cartman. Kyle, Butters: Yeah! Cartman: Yeah! Wait-what? [Stna's house, living room, night. Kyle's parents have joined the other adults.] Sharon: And so that's the situation. Our boys have locked themselves in Stan's room until we can promosie them the calves will live free, in writing. Sheila: Well, this is ridiculous! I don't know how you raise your kids, but my son does not play negotiator with me! Sharon: We excuse me, Sheila, but it wasn't that simple! Sheila: HA! Give me fifteen seconds with Kyle and I'll have that door open! [the adults leave the living room and go up the stairs, stopping at Stan's door] Kyle?! [pounds on the door] This is your mother! You will open this door right now! Kyle: [pause] ...No I won't. Sharon: [gets to retort] Yes, I see what you mean, Sheila. [Sheila looks at her] That was very impressive. Sheila: [turns back to the door] Kyle, if you don't do as you're told, I'm going to be very angry! Kyle: Well you made me eat veal and didn't tell me what it was. So go ahead and be angry, you baby calf-k*lling bitch! Sharon: [folds her arms] Very persuasive. Sheila: [starts pounding away furiously at the door] AAAAA! Open this door!! Open this door!! Chris: [calms Sheila down and takes over] Whoa-ho-ho, let, let me try. [faces the door] Butters? [slight zoom-in on Butters] Butters, this is your father. Butters: [to the boys] Oh, sweet Jesus. Uh, what do I do? Stan: Be strong, Butters. You knew it would come to this. Chris: Butters? Answer me! Butters: [to the boys] But they-ah they're angry at me. Kyle: Don't panic. I'll tell you what to say. [begins to whisper in Butters' ear] You can tell them... Chris: Butters! Right now! Butters: Dad, uh, why don't you suck my fat one? Chris: WHAT?! Butters: Oh, sweet Jesus. Chris: [turnsn to the other adults] What's gotten into them? Sharon: Alright, Stanley, this has gone on long enough! Your little game is over! Stan: This isn't a game, Mom. We're not coming out until know the calves will be safe. Sharon: Well that's fine! You boys can just stay in there and starve to death. Us parents are going to go to Pizza Shack and have pepperoni pizza and ice cream. Cartman: [weakening] Oh, God-damnit you guys. Kyle: Cartman, stay away from that door! Sharon: You'll have to come out sooner or later, boys. The longer you wait, the more trouble you'll be in. [the adults walk away, but Sheila stops and turns back to the door.] Sheila: [pounds on the door once more] Mmmrragh!! Stan: [sighs] Round one is over. We made it. [the boys gather in] Cartman: We didn't make it! Your mother's right, douchebag! What are we gonna do? Stand here until we starve?! Stan: Our parents would never let us starve. They're bluffing. This is a battle of wills. If we hold out long enough, they'll give in. Kyle: But we will have to sleep, dude. Stan: Three of us can sleep while one keeps watch. We'll shift every couple of hours. Butters: [finding a way to relate] Hehey! This is gonna be just like Vietnam, huh fellas! Whoopie! Stan: We'll stay in this room with these baby cows for as long as it takes! [one calf take a dump on the carpet, another walks up and takes a piss on it] [Stan's house, living room, after dinner. The women wait at the sofa while the men try to reason with the boys. Liane is now present as Sheila crosses her arms and pats her left shoulder with her right hand. Moments later, the men come down the stairs] Randy: Well we tried everything. We can't get through the door without tearing apart the house. Gerald: Dear God, it's been over thirteen hours! Liane: Oh, but my poor little poopsie must be getting so hungry. Maybe we should get them a little food. Sharon: Ms. Cartman, this is a battle of wills. We need our boys to know that we're not gonna cave in, at all. Liane: Oh, all right. Sheila: Let's all just go to bed and let them play their little game for as long as they can. [Stan's room, night. From outside, his room is the only one lit. Inside, Cartman, Kyle and Butters are in his bed while Stan sits at his desk] Butters: Good night, fellas! Kyle: Good night. Butters: [to the calves] Good night, Patches. Good night, Halloway. Good night, Nepture. Good night, Davis. Good night, Bud. Good night, Red. Good night, Paulette. Good night, Chastity. Cartman: Butters, I'm going to k*ll you over and over again. [Stan's room, fade to day. Hour 29. The boys are all drowsy and a little disheveled. Stan sits on his bed stroking a calf, Butters sits on the floor, Cartman rests against a calf, Kyle holds his stomach] Cartman: Can't go on. Need... food... Kyle: We didn't realize hunger made you feel so bad. Cartman: There's only one alternative, you guys. We're gonna have to eat a calf. Stan: No, Cartman, we're not eating a calf! Cartman: All right. Then we're gonna have to eat Butters. [points] Kyle: [looks back at Stan] He might be right, dude. Butters: Aw, heck. [a basket floats up to the window on a pole] Stan: Wait, what is that? [points to the basket. The other three boys turn. Cartman approaches the window and takes the basket] Dude! Cartman: Food! [Stan's house, outside. Liane lowers her pole as Sharan and Sheila go outside to see what's going on.] Sharon: Ms. Cartman, what are you doing? Liane: Oh, I just can't stand to see my baby suffer Sharon: Oh dear God, you've ruined everything. [Stan's room, moments later. The boys take shares of food out of the basket.. Stan walks away with two apples.] Kyle: All right! Stan: See? Now we can hold out for weeks! Cartman: Look you guys! Beef jerky! Kyle: Yeah! And fried chicken! [Cartman sits at a corner chewing on his apples.] Stan: [sensing a lapse] Wha? [rises and walks to his bed, where the other boys sit eating] Kyle, Cartman: Mmmmm. Stan: Dude, what are you guys doing? Kyle: We're eating, dude. Stan: You're eating meat! What the hell do you guys think we're doing all this for?! Kyle: Hey! I'm doing it to save little baby cows. I'm not gonna stop eating meat altogether. Butters: Me neither. Cartman: Yeah, if you don't eat meat at all, you become a p*ssy. Stan: [returns to his corner] That's fine! You guys can live off of flesh, but I'm never eating meat again! Cartman: Go ahead, that's more for us. [tempts the calf next to him with some beef jerky] You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the buddy? Who's hungry? [the calf starts chewing on it] Who's the hungry man? Kyle: [looks over] Dude, that's messed up. [Stan looks as well, but goes back to his apples] [Stan's house, night, Hour 34. Police and f*re departments and an ambulance are at the house, with a kleig light shining into Stan's room from the f*re truck. Inside, Stan sits on the floor still eating his apples, Cartman stands next to the chair, Butters sits on the bed. The sound of breaking news is heard] Kyle: You guys, check this out! [a TV now sits where the football normally is, and the picture shown is that of Stan's house. The other boys join Kyle in looking at the news report from News 4] Field Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in front of the house where three insane boy t*rrorists have barricaded themselves inside a room with twenty-three live infant cattle. Butters: Hey, look. Some other kids are doin' the same thing we are. [Cartman looks at him, then slugs him hard] Eugh Field Reporter: Several attempts to break into the room have proven unsuccessful, Tom, and the crisis is intensifying. Here's what some people have to say. Craig's father, Tom: [with wife and son] We were sleeping when suddenly we heard all the commotion. I mean, to think this could happen right here in our own community. [Craig shows his right middle finger to the camera. Next, the boys' parents are shown] Randy: We gave those kids everything, and they turned into little... John Walkers! Field Reporter: The police chief of South Park says that there will be no negotiations with t*rrorists. Butters: Oh no. Eh this is big-time trouble now, fellas. Stan: No, this is exactly what we wanted. Kyle: It is? Stan: Yeah, don't you see? This validates everything that we're doing. If we're making the news, then this is obviously important to people. Field Reporter: Tom, it looks like I have an update: Yes, it looks like the boy t*rror1st story is not interesting news to anyone. Uh, nothing else was going on, Tom, so this was the only story we had to make seem important, but people are just simply tuning out. So, HBC will now be switching programming once again to "Puppoies from Around the World." [the news break switches to a series of dog scenes. First, dalmatians run across a field to the tune of bagpipes, then a small dog looks around to the tune of Chinese music, then a puppy in a basket as a mariachi band is heard, then another dog is shown, then another, then a puppy is shown following a tennis ball, then another dog plays with the camera as more mariachi music is heard] Stan: [the boys are stunned] ...I don't believe it. Butters: Ehuh, the Chinese puppy's... my favorite so far. [Stan's house, fade to day. Hour 53. Stan and Butters are sleeping, and Butters, sleeping face down, has his left arm across Stan's chest. Stan stirs and opens his eyes.] Stan: [notices the situation] Butters? Buh-Butters! You have your arm around me! [Butters stirs and turns around] Butters: [waking] Oh, sorry. I thought you were Mr. Pickles. [voices are heard outside and the boys sit up, then move towards the window] Voices: We must help the helpless, we must save the unsaved Kyle: Huh, what the hell is that? Hippies: If we... fight together we can make sure the road is paved. For a... brighter tomorrow... Cartman: Hippies! Stan: What are they doing here? Hippie: [on bullhorn] We're with you boys! Your message is real and your voice is just. [the other hippes start cheering] Hippies: Hooray! Hooray! Kyle: Dude! Those gaywads are on our side? Butters: Ew, they're all dirty. Cartman: What did I tell you, Stan! We save some baby cows from being eaten, and now we're no-good dirty God-damned hippies! [Stan's house, night, Hour 75. Police and f*re departments and an ambulance have returned. HBC News is there again with its field reporter] Field Reporter: Tom, the calf t*rror1st standoff continues as now members of the FBI arrive to put an end to the conflict. [FBI vehicles speed in and FBI agents pour out of the vehicles] Sharon: [not believing what she sees] Oh Jesus Christ. [slaps her hand to her forehead] FBI Agent: Who's in charge here? Officer Barbrady: I am. But I don't want to be. FBI Agent: Where's the negotiator? FBI Negotiator: Right here! Glen Dumont, Negotiator Squad FBI Agent: All right, see what you can do. [Stan's room. Stan is petting a calf. Kyle looks on. Stan coughs and sniffs] Kyle: Dude, are you okay? Stan: Aw, I just feel so rundown. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've got these sores. [lifts up his shirt to show the sores to the others] Butters: What is that? Kyle: Dude, maybe we should end this. Stan: No! [Stan's house, outside. The negotiator walks up to the negotiation van, which has all the equipment he needs to handle a negotiation] Glen Dumont: Give me a hard line to the phone in that house! [a squad member gets on it] Officer Barbardy: The t*rrorists already said there's no way they're coming out. Glen Dumont: [receives the phone] Don't worry, I'm a negotiator. It's my job to talk to freaks like this and bring about a peaceful resolution using clever psychology. [Stan's room. The phone rings and Stan goes to answer it] Stan: Hello? Glen Dumont: Hello, my name is Mike. I'm a negotiator. Is it okay if I talk to you? Stan: Ah, hold on. [turns to the other boys] It's some negotiator named Mike. What do I do? Kyle: Don't give him anything! Stan: Waht do I say?? Cartman: [walks up to Stan and takes over] Dah, give me that! [takes the receiver from Stan] Talk to me Mike. Glen Dumont: I'm here to make sure we can all end this peacefully. You want that, right? Cartman: Sure, sure. Glen Dumont: How about we make a trade, just show that we can trust each other. Cartman: What do you have in mind? Glen Dumont: Well, how about you send out one of the calves? Cartman: Oh, Mike, you're breakin' my balls here, Mike. Glen Dumont: Just one, that's all we want. Cartman: All right, how 'bout this? You guys have all the leverage and we have nothing. So how about we give you one calf... - Stan: Cartman, no! Kyle: Dude! [Cartman holds out his palm to silence them] Cartman: [clears his throat] We'll give you one calf, if you give us... some g*n and amm*nit*on of our own. Glen Dumont: What? I, I can't do that. Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talkin' here, but I guess you're not talkin' to me. Goodbye. Glen Dumont: No no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yuh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad. Cartman: Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not gonna work. Glen Dumont: [trumped] Oh. All right, fine, son of a g*n, let me see what I can do. [Stan's house, night, Hour 154. The authorities are still there, waiting out the standoff] Glen Dumont: Okay. Up a little... left a little... [a crane lifts a box of amm*nit*on towards Stan's window. Kyle and Butters wait for it] Almost there. Randy: [arrives with Sharon] What is that? Glen Dumont: We're giving the boys some g*n in return for our calves Randy: What? Sharon: You're giving my baby g*n? Glen Dumont: [snaps back] Hey, this is a negotiation process, okay? Did you people go to negotiator school? No, you didn't! [walks off in a huff to the negotiation van] Get them on the line for me! Cartman: [answers the ringing phone] Hello. Glen Dumont: Alright, you see that? I keep my end of the bargain. Cartman: All right, we'll keep ours. We'll send out one calf. [in the background, Kyle takes out the g*n, tossing them to Butters] Glen Dumont: Well, ha- how about you send out two calves? Cartman: Oh, Jesus! You know, there's just no talking to you, is there, Mike?! [Butters assembles a machine g*n while Kyle inspects a sword. Stan lies by a corner in a fetal position, on a calf, with more lesions appearing on his face] Stan: O-ogh... Cartman: We had a deal! Do you think I'm stupid?! Don't treat me like I'm stupid here! [Butters plays soldier in the background, moving his g*n around and then saluting while Kyle practices some lunges] Glen Dumont: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. [to fellow agents as he holds his hand over the mouthpiece] Damnit, I'm losing them. [to Cartman] Okay, I'm sorry. Just send out one calf. Cartman: Oh nonono, now you're gonna have to get us something else! [Kyle tosses a dud grenade at Butters, who hits it with a spear. The grenade flies off the bed and onto the floor. Kyle and Butters jump with joy] Glen Dumont: What do you have in mind? [Stan's house, day. Hour 169. This makes one week and an hour since the standoff began] Glen Dumont: A little to the left... [this time the crane is lifting a m*ssile] Okay, that's good. A little to the right. [Butters and Kyle wait by the window again] Sheila: You're giving them a m*ssile?? Glen Dumont: [losing patience] Stand down, ma'am! Stand down! This is a delicate process! I've almost earned their trust! [Stan's room] Kyle: [dabbing Stan's sores with a moist towel] Stan's getting worse, you guys. Cartman: Mike, speak. Glen Dumont: How are we doin'? Cartman: We got a real sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things for us? Glen Dumont: Weh ah I did manage to get the FDA to officially change the word "veal" to "tortured baby cow." [holds up an FDA document] Cartman: Good, good. Glen Dumont: But I couldn't get you North and South Dakota. Cartman: Oh, Mike, breakin' my balls, Mike. Glen Dumont: Now, now please can, can we get you to come out? [Cartman looks over at Stan, who looks sicker by the minute] [Outside Stan's house, night] Glen Dumont: All right, everythng has worked out. The boys have promised to come out and bring the cows out with them. Adults: Yes! All right! Woohoo! Officer Barbrady: Whoops, sorry I doubted your abilities, Mr. Negotiator. FBI Agent: They're coming out now? Glen Dumont: Yes. All we need to do in return is get a cattle-transporting semi-truck that will take the boys and the cattle to Denver International Airport, where we have a fully-gassed airplane waiting to take them all to Mexico. Sharon: What?? Glen Dumont: And they want the guy that plays Mr. Worf on "Star Trek" to drive the truck. [b*at] In full makeup. Randy: Jesus Christ! FBI Agent: All right, that does it! You are in fact the worst negotiator I've ever seen in action! Glen Dumont: All right, all right, I'll give you that. But in return, I want three staples. FBI Agent: Get out of here! [Dumont bolts. The agent talks to Barbrady] We'll get them the semi, and we'll get them the Worf guy. If they see that, thay'll come out and then, we could take them. Officer Barbrady: But isn't that dishonest? FBI Agent: Maybe so, but if we don't do something soon, there could be fifty, even sixty people who'll have to go without veal for dinner. Are you prepared to let that happen? [Outside Stan's house, night. Hour 201, just after sunset. The semi-truck Cartman ordered arrives.] FBI Agent: All right. Where is Mr. Dorn? Michael Dorn: [aka Worf, arrives in full makeup] I was woken up at three in the mornng, told I had to put on makeup, and come to this town. [folds his arms] What the hell is gong on?! FBI Agent: I'm sorry, Mr. Dorn. It's FBI business. We've got t*rrorists making demands and we need your help. Michael Dorn: This is highly unusual! FBI Agent: [on the bullhorn] All right boys, we have your truck. And we have an airplane on the tarmac at Denver International. Cartman: And Worf? Michael Dorn: My name is Michael Dorn. I play a character called Worf. Kyle: [rushes to Stan] Stan! It worked! Stan: [looking very weak and with a few more sores on his body] It... did? Kyle: They got us a truck, and an airplane, and Mr. Worf! The calves are gonna be okay! Stan: Pick me up. I... I want to see. [Kyle picks him up] [Outside Stan's house, night. The authorities prepare for the kids' surrender. The front door opens and Cartman looks out. The FBI agents take aim.] Cartman: Step back! Tell those men to step back! FBI Agent: Do it! FBI Agents: [lowering their w*apon and stepping back] Mmrrrr. Hippies: All right! Woohoo! Yeah! Cartman: [heads for the street] Aw, shut up, you freakin' hippies! [approaches the semi-truck, where Michael Dorn now sits at the wheel. He gets into the passenger side and sits] Alright, Mr. Worf, start the engine and put her in gear. Oh, amd you must refer to me as "Captain." Michael Dorn: Where am I supposed to drive to? Cartman: No. See, must say, "Captain, where am I supposed to drive to?" Michael Dorn: Captain, where am I supposed to drive to? Cartman: You're going to back the truck up to the door of the house so we can safely load in the calves. Michael Dorn: This whole thing is ridiculous! Cartman: [correcting Dorn] "Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous!" Michael Dorn: [b*at, then in a low voice] Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous. [starts up the engine] Cartman: [calls out] Okay, all set! [An overhead view of the scene shows a News 4 helicopter covering the story — from the camera of another News 4 helicopter] Field Reporter: Tom, it looks as though the t*rrorists are now loading the baby cows into the back of a semi. This is still very uninteresting news, Tom. [Ground view, inside the trailer] Butters: Okay Cartman! [Ground view, on the street] Cartman: Step on it, Mr. Worf! [the semi peels off] Boys: All right! [inside the trailer] Butters: We're going! [Kyle grins] Kyle: Mexico here we come! [Dorn honks to clear everyone out of the way.] [in the cab. Police cars follow the semi] Cartman: Wait a minute. They're following us! Full speed, Mr. Worf! Michael Dorn: We cannot keep going fast on these icy roads! Cartman: [correcting gently] "Captain, we cannot keep going fast on these icy roads?" Michael Dorn: Captain, we cannot keep going fast on these icy roads. Cartman: Alright, Mr. Worf. Then reduce speed to forty-five and maintain distance from those police cruisers. [inside the trailer. Stan casts his eyes down at the floor] Kyle: Stan, we're almost there. You've got to hold on. [On the street. The semi passes by Rancher Bob's ranch] FBI Agent: Alright, they're in front of the cattle ranch. h*t it! [another agent presses a button and a buzzer is heard. A few seconds later balloons fill up under the semi and lift it off the ground. The whole thing comes to a stop] Cartman: [looks out] Oh, it's a double-cross!! FBI Agent: [approaches with his fellow agents] Alright, boys! The game is over! Get out of the truck with your hands up! [in the trailer] Kyle: Oh no! No!! [in the cab] Cartman: What are you waiting for? Go k*ll them, Worf! Michael Dorn: I'm NOT k*lling anybody! Cartman: Egh! Some God-damned Klingon you are! [Rancher Bob's Cattle Ranch, moments later. The FBI agents take the calves into the veal ranch as the boys stand next to the semi. Michael Dorn is there as well.] Stan: We're sorry, cows. We tried. We tried! FBI Agent: [On the bullhorn] Alright boys, just stay right there until your parents arrive. Michael Dorn: Can I go now? Officer Barbrady: Here you go, Mr. Rancher. I got your cattle back for you Rancher Bob: Oh. [glances at the stack of veal forming next to him] Well, it doesn't matter now. Officer Barbrady: What you do mean? Rancher Bob: You see, in the six days since the word "veal" was officially changed to "little tortured baby cow" the market has gone dry. Seems that people see "little tortured baby cow" on their menus, they don't feel like orderin'. Butters: Really? Rancher Bob: Yep, damn things ain't worth spit now. I'll let 'em live outside with the other cows and live a normal life. Kyle: Do you hear that, Stan? It worked! We've shut down the veal industry! [Stan doesn't respond. He's passed out] Stan? Stan?? [Butters appears next to them] [Hell's Pass Hospital, next day. The boys and their families are present at Stan's hospital bed. Stan is half-awake now, hooked up to IVs and all.] Dr. Doctor: He's very luck you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis. Randy: Vaginitis? Dr. Doctor: It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant p*ssy. Kyle: Whoa, dude. Dr. Doctor: We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading. Cartman: Thank God we stopped it in time. Stan: Well, I guess we learned somethng today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas. Butters: Hear hear. Sheila: All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start. Chris: I'll say! Butters: Aw, we're still grounded? Kyle: But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause. Gerald: Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer. Chris: That's right, let's get these t*rrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers. The Boys: All right! [End of Fun With Veal]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x04 - Fun With Veal"}

foreverdreaming

[Stan's house, night. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Butters gather some snacks and put them on the coffee table in the Marsh living room] Stan: [pouring chips into a bowl] This is gonna be so awesome! Kyle: Do we have everything? Stan: Chips, pop, cookies, Kleenex, toilet paper, flares - we won't have to leave the TV room for anythng! Cartman: All right! Kyle: Look, it's almost time [HBC commercial] Announcer: Up next on HBC, the Russell Crowe Show! [the sofa. The boys climb on it] Stan: Alright, here we go. [Russell Crowe Show intro] Choir: Born in New Zealand in sixty-four [Russell sails on a tugboat called "Tugger"] A hot-headed actor named Russell Crowe [Russell holds an Oscar lovingly] He loves to act but he loves one thing more: [Russell in a scene from "Gladiator"] Fight-in' Round The World [Russell fighing bar patrons at Hap's Bar] He fight his directors and he fights his fans [Russell holds a director up in the air by the lapels, then he fights fans in a pool hall] It's a problem no one understands [Russell fights people in Paris] [spoken by a singer] If there's two things he love it's fighting and, [Russell dances Russian before the Kremlin as a camera man follows him at a distance] Fight-in' Round The World [The cameraman takes a picture and Russell beats him up] Makin' movies, makin' music and [a poster of Russell's new movie, "A beautiful Mind, by television's Opie", then a sh*t of him recording a song] [slowing to half-time] Fight-in' Round The World! [a sh*t of Russell fighting off some Japanese] [spoken by a singer as a spinning globe appears behind the show logo] Russell Crowe Russell Crowe: [dressed as a sailor, standing on a dock] Hello, everybody. I'm Russell Crowe, and this is "Fight-in' Round The World" [puts up his fists and cycles them around]. We're gonna have lots of fun tuhday as we travel all around, and and look for some good- [a man walks through his sh*t and Russell does a double-take, then goes after the man] Ay! What the hell do yuh think you're doin'?! [Russell's cameraman moves the camera to catch up with him] You walked right through my sh*t, mate! Do you know who I am?! Man: Oh, excuse me. I was just- [Russell proceeds to b*at the crap out of the man] God-damned smartass! Do you think you could [Shelley comes in and takes the remote, changing the channel. She stops at the WD] Stan: Shelley, we're watching that! Go back! Shelley: Shut up, turd. I'm watching Buffy. Stan: [rushes up to her] No! Shelley, we have to watch HBC! [she switches back to HBC] [Russell Crowe Show] Russell Crowe: Oh! Get up! Get up, you little p*ssy! [the man crawls along the dock on his belly] Shelley: The Russell Crowe Show? You turds don't even like that show! Stan: It's not the show we care about. During one of the commercial breaks of tonight's episode, they're gonna show the exclusive never-before-seen trailer to the new Terrance & Phillip movie! Kyle: It's the biggest night of the year. Shelley: [switching channels again] That's stupid! See you turdy critters some other time! Stan: But all the other kids are gonna watch it and talk about it at school tomorrow. Shelley: No, turds! Cartman: Shelley, did I ever tell you how hot I think you are? Shelley: Shut up, fat turd!! Cartman: I'm not a fat turd, I'm a stocky turd! Shelley: We're not watching this! [a sh*t of Russell Crow and the man] Russell Crowe: Come on! Man: Look, I apologize Stan: But Shelley, it's the Russell Crowe Show! You always said there's nothing you love more than Russell Crowe. Shelley: [softly, voice rising] There is one thing I love more than Russell Crowe, and that is seeing you unhappy. So, Buffy it is! Stan: Shelley, please, let us watch. We'll do anything. Anythng! Shelley: [glances away, then looks at Stan] All right. I just started my period, and I need tampons. If one of you turds will go buy them at the store for me, you can watch your stupid turd show with your stupid turd movie commercial in it! Stan: [glances down, then answers] O-K, deal. Shelley: And they'd better be here when I come back downstairs, turds! [slaps Stan twice and walks off] Russell Crowe: Well, that was a lot of fun, wadn't it, kids? But if looks like if we're gonna get in more fights, we're gonna have to go look for 'em. Kyle: [gathers around Stan with the other boys] Dude, why'd you make that deal? If we're out buying tampons, we'll miss the trailer anyway/ Butters: Ehyeah! Stan: [somber] Well, only one of us has to go to the store. The others can watch. Kyle: You'd miss the new trailer? Stan: Dude, I'm not going. Cartman: Alright, we'll have to play for it. How about... if your name is Butters, you have to go. Okay, so what's your name? [points to Stan] Stan: Stan. Cartman: Stan, okay. What's your name? [points to Kyle] Kyle: Kyle. Cartman: Kyle. What's your name? [looks at Butters] Butters: Butters. Aw, I lose, huh? Cartman: Aw, yeah, Butters, you lose, sorry, tough break. Kyle: Well just hurry, Butters. You can probably mke it back in time before the first commercial break. Butters: Oh, Jesus. Ah, I gotta run like the wind. [heads for the door. The other three go back to the sofa] Russell Crowe: Well, that was a lot of fun, wadn't it, kids? Kyle: Dude, thank God for stupid people ["...But if looks like if we're gonna get in more fights,..."] Cartman: Amen. Russell Crowe: ...we're gonna have to go look for 'em. Where should we go fight people next, Tugger? Tugger: TOOOOOOT Russell Crowe: Great idea! [runs up to the camera] Tugger thinks we should go to the faaar away of China. [backs up towards the tug boat] China is one of the oldest civilizations on earth. And from what I understand, they LOVE a good fight! So let's go! [rushes onto the tugboat and sets off.] Tugger: TOOOT TOOOT [two men appear] Man with Moustache: Oh my God! It's Russell Crowe! Russell Crowe: [taunts back] Oh my God, it's Russell Crowe! Oh my Gmah, bah bah byah byah! [gets out and head for the two men] Why don't you mind your own business, you scrotum?! [punches each of them. Cut to a sailing Tugger] Making movies, making songs 'n fight-in' round the world. Stan: Dude, why is this guy always beating everybody up? Russell Crowe: [at the wheel] What a glorious day to spend away fight-in' round the world. [whistles and spins the boat's wheel] Cartman: What's wrong with the colors on your TV, Stan? They're all saturated. [takes a hold of the remote] Stan: They look fine to me. [another sh*t of Russell sailing away] Kyle: Just don't mess with it, Cartman. Cartman: [leaves the sofa] Nah, nah, the cable wire must be loose. [heads for the television] Kyle: Just just leave it alone. Cartman: Dude, do you wanna the Terranace & Phillip trailer with messed-up colors? I don't. How's that? [moves the cable, and the vertical goes out of whack] Stan: That's worse! Cartman: Okay, how about ... that? [moves it again, and the cathode ray tube pops. The wall behind the TV is blackened, and Cartman slowly peeks] Stan: Dude! Kyle: God-damnit Cartman! You broke it! Cartman: [panicked] It was just... I just... Butters, you assh*le! Stan: Dude, the commercials could start any time! Cartman: I don't think we're watchin' them on this TV. Kyle: God-damnit! Come on, we can go watch it at my house! Stan: Get all the stuff! [they gather the snacks and head for the front door. Cartman opens the door and Butters arrives] Butters: Hey fellas. I got the tampons. Uh, I didn't miss it, did I? Stan: We're going to Kyle's house to watch! Come on! [the three boys exit] Butters: Oh Jeez. [follows] [The neighborhood. The boys run towards Kyle's house. Stan leads the way, with Kyle and Butters following] Butters: Oh boy, uh, Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez Stan: Hurry! We can't miss the commercials! Cartman: [gruffly] Wait! Wait you guys! You guys! You guys, wait! You guys, wait! [Kyle's house, moments later. Ike is watching TV] A Voice: [a slow drawl] ...but the Palestinian government uh is not going to see any for future- [the front door opens and the boys run in.] Stan: Huff, huff Butters: Huh uh hurry! Hurry! Hurry! [Kyle takes the remore and quickly changes channels, and the Russell Crowe show pops up] Russell Crowe: And so here we are in history-rich Choina. Kyle: We made it! It hasn't gone to commercials yet. [the boys sit on the sofa. Ike looks at each of them angrily] Kyle, Stan, Butters: Phew! Ike: Hey! Imong telling Dat! Cartman: [arrives breathless] Huh. Ohmigod! Huh. Ike: Dadadadat! Kyle: No Ike! They're playing the trailer to the new Terrance & Phillip movie during the show, and we have to watch it! [Ike drops down and walks away, Cartman sits next to Butters] Russell Crowe: [hiding behind a potted shrub which he carries before him. He sets it down and look at the camera] This is Tianinman Square. Lots of good foitin' has gone on here throughout the years, including a fan-tastic m*ssacre that took place back in '93. [he turns back to the shrub and peers through it. The Chinese are pleasantly involved in conversations. Russell turns back to the camera] These chinamen can grow to over five feet tall, and in a fight, are known to kick with their legs. Let's see if we can get in for a closer look. [picks up the shrub and goes further into the crowd, then peers through the shrub. The Chinese notice him] Oi! [he looks back at the camera] I've gotten close enough now that they're startin' to get real froigh'ened. You can see the fine hairs on the back of their necks standin' on end. [turns to the shrub and jumps through it, grabbing a man's ankles] Gotcha mate! [the victimized man speaks first, then another man answers. Russell's head turns to see who's speaking, then he jumps up to challenge the second man] Ay, you wanna fight, huh?! [challenges the first] Think you could take me, you little buggers?! [punches the first man and the man sails to the ground a few feet away, knocked out cold. Blood pours from his nose. The man he lands in front of decides to fight, and soon Russell Crowe is punching men away left and right. A polieman arrives, and Russell knocks him away, too] Cartman: God, when is this gonna get to the comeercial? [Gerald arrives with Ike] Gerald: Kyle, Ike says you kicked him off the TV. Kyle: They're goin' to show the new Terrance & Phillip trailer Gerald: You know your brother watches the MacNeil/Lehrer Report every night at ten! Ike: Etetheh bunlapala un good night. Kyle: But Dad, this is all the never-before-seen footage. Gerald: It doesn't matter! Ten to eleven is Ike's time to watch MacNeil/Lehrer Kyle: God-damnit. Come on, guys. We gotta go to Butters' house. Stan: Aww! [the boys gather their snacks and head for the door] Cartman: Argh! Butters: Whoa, wait fellas. [the boys stop] We can't go to my house. Cartman: We can't go to my house either. It's being fumigated. Stan: AGH! [thinks hard, then] Wait! Chef just got a new plasma TV with surround-sound. Let's go to his house! Come on! [they leave. Ike goes back to the sofa and sits, changing the channel] Lehrer: -takin' place there... all these years are sure to continue until the governments of these regions can actually come about soe recon- Ike: Look at Barney fly. [The neighborhood. The boys run towards Chef's house. Stan, Kyle, and Butters run past, huffing and puffing] Cartman: [trailing again] Ey! You guys! I'm seriouslih! [Chef's house, moments later. The boys are at his front door, and Stan knocks] Kyle: God-damnit! If we miss the commercials, I'll never forgive my brother! Chef: [answers the door in his nightgown] Oh. Hello there, children. The Boys: [quickly] Hey Chef. [run for his sofa, leaving Chef at the door.] Chef: Uh, how's it goin'? [Chef's living room. The boys are seated on the sofa, with Stan trying to get the remote control working] Chef: [arrives] Oh, you wanted to see the new TV, huh? [a new HDTV with side speakers and settop cable box, and a rather large base] Pretty cool, ain't it? Stan: [impatient] Yeahyeah, how do you change the channels? Chef: Uh, I don't know. This TV has more features than the space shuttle. [Chef takes the remote and fiddles with it] I can't figure it out at all. [the program pops up immediately] Russell Crowe: [in India] -bloomin' Taj Mahal. Cartman: There, you got it, you got it! Russell Crowe: [punching the natives - hits one] Freakin' Indian [hits a second] doesn't even put up a [hits a third] fight! Stan: We made it! Cartman: Oh, thank God. Chef: Russell Crowe?? Children, you shouldn't be this show about a man who beats people up because he's insecure. Cartman: We don't give two craps about Russell Crowe, Chef. We just wanna see the trailer about the new Terrance & Phillip movie, that'ssupposed to play during the commercials. Russell Crowe: [still punching Indians as they approach] Alright everyone, we're gonna take our first commercial break. But be sure not to go anywhere, because there's lot's more people to b*at up. Stan: Here they come! Kyle: Heuh, the commercials! [some commercials air, but they're not important, as little sound is heard] Announcer: Now back to Russell Crowe, Fightin' Around The World! The Boys: [disappointed] Awww! Butters: Awww, they didn't play it. They didn't show the Terrance & Phillip trailer. Stan: I knew it. I knew they wouldn't play it during the first commercial break. Kyle: Yeah, they want everyone to stick around and watch more of this ret*rd show. Russell Crowe: Making movies, making songs 'n fight-in' round the world. [cut to Brooklyn, with the Brooklyn Bridge in the background. A lot of brownstones here. Russell has brought his schrub with him again. He approaches the camera] Oi! Now Tugger's brought me to one of the greatest places for foightin' in North America. [backs up] Brooklyn, New York. Lots of minorities here, and they don't take kindly to whitey. [points to himself] Let's get a closer look. Come on, Tugger! [picks up his shrub and runs. Tugger hops after him, tooting along. They end up looking at a pickup basketball game in the shadow of some skyscrapers. Russell peers through the shrub, then turns to the camera] Looks like we got some black people, and some Puerto Ricans. [a quick peek] Notice the colorful rags on their heads, meaning they could be part of a g*ng, and therefor, [makes a fist] real used to fightin'. [peers through the shrub] Black Player: Hey, look at that guy over there. Ain't that that Gladiator guy? Puerto Rican Player: Where? Black Player: Behind that plant, next to that tugboat? [Russell peers through, but the shows his face] Puerto Rican Player: Oh yeah, I thnk it is. Russell Crowe: [in an elderly woman falsetto] Oh my God, it's the Gladiator guy! [heads for the basketball court and puts up his fists] Oh my God, I've never seen an actor before! [moves around for anyone to fight] Why don't you choke on some pig vomit, you stupid sops! Chef: Why can't this guy control his temper? Russell Crowe: Well?? You all just gonna stand there or are you gonna fight? [knocks down a black player. Another one punches him in the back of the head] Croikey, you've done it now! Cartman: Thsi TV is great, Chef. Chef: Yeah, and it's got all kinds of cool feature, too. Check this out. You can watch three channels all at once. I think if you h*t this button here- [a menu pops up on a blue screen. He presses more buttons and the default choice changes, but nothing else] No, no wait. You h*t this button here [ends up at clock reset function] No, that's not it. Let's see. [presses another button] Menu [press] Function [screen properties pop up] Stan: Dude, put it back, Chef. More commercials might come on soon. [looks like Russell is fighting Germans, but the menu windows block the view] Chef: Let's see. [screen resolution, manual programming, spectrum density, profiles, audio settings, and so on pop up] Aw, damnit! Kyle: Get it back to normal, Chef! Chef: I'm tryin', children! Menu, back, function- [still no success. The blue screen is still there] Enter? No, no. Back. H.E.M. [selects 'yes'] The TV: [transforms itself into a robot] Human eradication mode, active. [it rises from its base, which becomes its feet. The side speakers reposition themslves as g*n, and the cable box becomes the eyes. Chef and the boys are stunned by what they just saw. The TV turns to its right and heads for the front door. It breaks through, goes down the steps, and immediately starts f*ring at everything in sight.] Stan: Oh God-damnit! Kyle: The TV left. Butters: Uh but the next commercials will be on soon. Stan: Come on, we gotta go somewhere else! [the four get off the sofa and head out the door. A car screeches to a halt, and the TV fires at the driver, forcing the couple inside to flee] [The neighborhood. The boys run towards the bar. Stan, Kyle, and Butters run past, huffing and puffing] Butters: Whre do we go? Where do we go? Stan: The bar! They've got a TV at the bar! Cartman: You guys! Aagh! God-damnit! [The bar. The boys burst through the door and head for the counter. The TV turns on to the Russell Crowe show] Russell Crowe: [back in Brooklyn, amid the bunch of b*at-up basketball players] You fight like Norwegians, ya fairies! The Boys: Phew! Stan: We made it. Cartman: [blubbering] This is k*lling me. The human body was not meant to move quickly like that. [The Russell Crowe show] Russell Crowe: These are the Florida Keys, a remote island chain just a few miles from... Oi! Wait a minute! Wasn't I just in Brooklyn fightin' minorities? What happened wit that? Tugger: Mooooot. Russell Crowe: It's that God-damned editor! He cut the Brooklyn scene short! Tugger, I'm gonna get him! [The editing room, moments later] Editor: Yeah. Oh I'm just working. I'm probably done around seven. [the door flies open and Russell stomps in there] Russell Crowe: [lifts the editor up by the collar] Who the hell do you think you are?! Editor: I'm the editor. Russell Crowe: I know you're the bloomin' editor! I mean, who the hell do you think you are cuttin' one of my foightin' scenes short?! Editor: Dude, the director said to cut it. Russell Crowe: Moy foightin' is poetry! You don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry, you testicle! [drops him, pauses, then delivers three blows to the belly] Jimbo: Well that guy's just plain nuts. Barkeep: [rushes over] Hey hey hey, whoa, you kids can't be in here. [the kids are dumbstruck] Kyle: We're not kids. We're full-grown men with dwarfism! How dare you assume that all midgets are children! We demand an apology! Barkeep: You ain't midgets, your lips are too full. [the boys stay silent] Now GET OUT!! Stan: But we have to watch the commercials in this show. Barkeep: Look, this is a bar! We can't have children in here. People come here for debauchery and sin! Cartman: Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar. Butters: Sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs! Barkeep: GET OUT! [walks over and turns off the TV] The Boys: Aaah! Stan: [the first to hea for the door] Come on, we gotta get to a TV! [the others follow] Cartman: Oh, you've gotta be kidding' me! [Downtown South Park. The TV, now a robot, marches through town blasting holes into buildings. Chef follows behnd on a cell phone] Chef: Yes, is this customer service? I'm havin' problems with my new television. It sprouted legs and g*n 'n started walkin' around sh**t' people. Uh huh. Okay. Oh, so I press "menu," then "function." [presses the buttons. The TV sh**t at a man locking up a store, making him spill his groceries and fall on his back. The TV stops] Townsman: Jesus! [gets up and runs] Waaaah! [the TV mvoes forward again] Chef: No, that didn't work. Did I set it at ten o'clock? Uh, no. [listens] Oh, really? Well, how do I do that? [Shady Acres, A Retirement Community. The boys rush in and head for the empty seats in the TV room] Cartman: Find the remote! Find the remote! Hold it! [once the boys are in place, Stan walks over to the TV and turns it on. "Puppies From Around The World" comes on, and Stan quickly changes the channel to the Russell Crowe show] Kyle: We're not too late! [the boys grin] Russell Crowe: Come on, Tugger ol' mate. Why are you lookin' so down? Tugger: Mooot Mooot. Russell Crowe: [whispers to the camera] Tugger's in a bit of a sad state. Seems his girlfriend and him had a bit of a row last night. Tugger: Mooooot. Old Man: [everyone watches silently, then] ...What is this? [The Russell Crow show.] Russell Crowe: Come on. Cheer up, Tugger. How can I make you feel better? I know! [grabs a guitar offscreen and prepares to play it.] How would you like me to sing one of the songs off me new album? Tugger: [shakes its smokestack with each protest] Nooo! Nooooo! Russell Crowe: What's that, Tugger? You say you really love the songs on my album? Tugger: Noooooooooo! [shakes its smokestack] Russell Crowe: Alright then, Tugger. [begins strumming] Tugger: Noo no. Noooooo! [shakes its smokestack] Russell Crowe: You know that you're my babih. You know I need you now. Tugger: [tries to escape, but can't, as it's tied to the dock] Noooooooooo! [shakes its smokestack] Russell Crowe: I don't know when I'm goin', but I gotta get there somehow, don't you know, somehow. Tugger: [returns and tries to rip itself away towards the right with all its might] Noooooooooo! [turns and tries to pull itself away towards the left, but can't] Russell Crowe: We'll weather it somehow. Tugger: [continues to struggle] Noooooooooo! [turns and tries to pull itself away towards the left, but can't] Russell Crowe: You can stay away tonight, but I'm not... Tugger: [returns, then takes out its arms for the first time] NOOOOO! [pulls out some giant earmuffs and places them over the cabin doors. It shakes violently as Russell lunges into a faster rhythm] Russell Crowe: Tugger I feel your hearbeat, I know you feel my heart... Tugger: [struggles fiercely] NOOOOO! NOOOOO! [throws its earmuffs off, reaches for a g*n and places it against its smokestack and kills itself with a single g*n. Russell stops singing] Russell Crowe: [spins around] Tugger! [drops to the edge of the dock and looks down at the water. Tugger is on its side leaking oil] Tugger sh*t himself! Announcer: [the show logo pops up] Has Russell lost Tugger for good? Find out after these messages. [Shady Acres TV room.] Cartman: Here we go! Stan: Commercial Break Number Two! [the boys are positively giddy with anticipation] Announcer: And now back to Russell Crowe, Fightin' Around The World! Cartman: That's it? That's all the commercials? Kyle: They didn't play the Terrance & Phillip trailer again! Stan: I knew it. They're waiting until the very last commercial break. Kyle: Ugh! We're gonna end up watching this whole retared Russell Crowe show! [The Russell Crow show. Russell Crowe is sobbing on a sofa in a hospital hallway] Russell Crowe: Tugger! Why'd you do it, Tugger?! [a doctor approaches him] Doctor! Tell me how he is, doctor! Doctor: Well, he's a very sick little tugboat. [Shady Acres TV room.] Old Man: What is this? We wanna watch "Puppies From Around The World." Old Woman: Yeah. We don't like this show. Cartman: Sh. Okay?! Old people need to be quiet right now! [The Russell Crow show.] Russell Crowe: You've gotta save him, Doc! Tugger! 'E's my best friend! The only friend in the world who would- Doctor: He's going to live, but- Russell Crowe: [lifts the doctor up by the collar] Oi! Don't you interrupt me, you vagina! I was givin' a heart-wrenchin' soliloquy about me feelin's for Tugger! Doctor: Sorry. Russell Crowe: [lets the doctor down and crosses the hall to the opposite wall] Oh, Tugger! Tugger, the world won't be as bright without ya, mate! Give it to me straight, doctor! Will Tugger live?! Tell me the truth! Doctor: ...Now? Russell Crowe: Yes, now's fine. Doctor: Oh. Uh, your tugboat's going to be okay. He just needs an oil change and a new steamstack. Russell Crowe: [quickly brightens and approaches the camera] Ooo, delolly! D'you hear that, everybody?! Tugger's gonna be okay! D'you know what that makes me feel like doin'? Fightin'! [turns around and punches the doctor out, then punches a man on crutches out, lifts him up again, and punches him out again.] [Shady Acres TV room.] Old Man: This show is too violent! Put the puppies back on! Old Folks: Yeah! Old Woman 2: Please Cartman: Shut up! Shut the hell up! We're watching this until the next commercial and that's final, old people! Old Man 2: All right, that does it! We know how to get our way! Everyone, on the count of three, release your bowels! One! Two! [everyone farts and the boys are astonished. ] The Boys: [bury their noses in their jackets] Awww! Cartman: Eewww! Stan: Oh, God, it's horrible! [the boys leave and exit the comunity] [Shady Acres entrance.] Kyle: That'd disgusting, dude! Cartman: God, I hate old people! Stan: We have to go to Butters' or Cartman's house! We have nowhere else to go! Butters: I told you, we can't go to my house! Cartman: And my house is being fumigated! Stan: Well, screw it! We'll watch it in your house even if it is being fumigated! [The neighborhood. The boys rush to Cartman's house.] The Boys: [chatter] ...come on! [Cartman struggles to keep up, blubbering all the while] [Cartman's house and garage, under purple and orange tarps. The boys enter a living room filled with fumigation gas, which makes the room look foggy.] [The Russell Crow show.] Russell Crowe: Crikey! Our Tugger looks healthy, happy, and [does a catcall] fit as a whistle! [Cartman's living room] Kyle: It's okay, it's still the show. [The Russell Crow show.] Russell Crowe: But you know, Tugger's attempted su1c1de made me realize that I should take up a cause. Most great actors take up causes, and I'm the greatest of them all! So, from now on i'm goona spend all my spare time ...fighting cancer. [gets into a fighting stance] Right! Where is that p*ssy cnacer anyway?! [Cartman's living room. the gas is overwhelming them, and they look ready to pass out] Kyle: Oh, dude, I don't know how I can take it. Stan: Me neither. I'll be d*ad before the commercials. Wait a minute! I forgot there's a black and white television back at my house! Kyle: Will your sister let us watch it? Stan: She has to! [leads the boys out of Cartman's house] [The neighborhood. The boys rush back to Stan's house.] Stan: Hurry! The commercials will be on any minute! Butters: Aw! Oh man! Uh, uh uh uh... Cartman: [trailing the other three] Hey you guys! Eugh! Oh God! Oh, Jesus help me! [stops] Oh! I forgot the doughnuts! [turns around and heads back] Oooh! Oh oh! [stops] Oh my God! [turns around and tries to catch up with the others] Leave those doughnuts at home! [Stan's house. The boys reach the front door.] Butters: Oh Jesus! Wait. Stan: What? Butters: I never gave Shelley her tampons. She's been those whole time without them. [the boys are scared now. Slowly, Stan reaches up for the knob and turns it. The door flies open and a torrent of blood gushes through the door, flooding the boys back into the street.] The Boys: AAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhh. [Kyle shakes the blood off, Stan looks up and then at the front door, Butters sits up. A trail of blood is left from the interior of the house to the street, and Shelley looks out from her window] Shelley: I told you I needed tampons, tuurrddsss! Kyle: Look! Crack addicts with a television! [two men and a woman are shown watching a small TV on a box near some buildings. The boys walk up to them and watch the TV as well] [The Russell Crowe show. Russell is in a hospital room with Tugger] Russell Crowe: Well, we couldn't fight cancer, but we found a man with cancer. [he walks off and pulls in an old frail man with cancer, then delivers a blow] Take that, cancer! And that! [punches the old man again] Tugger: Mooot Mooot! [Russell punches the old man behind the head and sends him to the floor] Stan: The last commercial break has to be coming on any second! [two phaser blasts are seen. One kills the bearded crack addict, another knocks a trash can over. Chef's TV appears and the two remaining addicts and the boys scream] All: AAAAA! [quuickly move away. Chef's TV delivers a double blast to the small TV and destroys it, then moves off to its left.] Chef: [still following the TV and talking to custmer service] ...Yes, I pressed "menu" three thimes! [listens] No! It's givin' me the same error message! [listens] Yes I read the instruction maual! [Luau's Toys, moments later. The boys run by] The Boys: [stopping] Where do we go?! Kyle: Oh Jesus! Now where do we go?? Stan: We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house?? Butters: I'm sure! there's no way! Kyle: Uh why not?! Butters: Uh because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter. Cartman: [glares at Butters and slowly gets angry] Oh, God-damnit you better be kidding! Butters: No! I really dont have a babysitter. That's why I'm stayin' at Stan's. Kyle: This whole time your TV is in a house with nobody in it?! Stan: Come on, let's just go! We'll k*ll Butters later! [they run off] [Butters' house, minutes later. The boys burst through the front door] The Boys: AAAAA!! Cartman: The time has come! Turn it on, turn it on! [Stan is the first to reach the remote control, so he takes it and turn on the TV] [The Russell Crow show.] Russell Crowe: And so we'll be right back after these commercials. Stan: We've made it! [grins] Kyle: The last commercial break is starting! Announcer: [the show logo appears] Don't go anywhere. Russell Crowe will be right back after a few more commercials. [the grins slowly fade to disapointment] Cartman: These commercials are all so God-damned stupid! Stan: Jesus Christ, how long is this commercial break gonna be?? Kyle: What if they don't show the Terrance & Phillip trailer at all? What if we went through all of this for nothing? Butters: They have to show it! They promised they would! Cartman: You guys, calm down. This is what TV shows always do. They make the last commercial break the longest. Kyle: That's bullcrap! TV shows are gay! Stan: Wait a minute! Look! [points and reads from the TV] "The following preview has..." This is it! This is it! [The Terrance & Phillip trailer] Announcer: [Terrance & Phillip stand back to back. The camera starts with their legs and pans up] Coming this summer! The greatest Canadian duo of all time is back. [Action music plays as the following words come flying at the viewer from the TV screen: "THIS........ SUMMER........ TERRANCE........ AND........ PHILLIP........ WILL........ BLOW........ YOU........ AWAY........ AND....... WORDS...... WILL..... FLY.... AT... YOU.. VERY. FAST" The music stops and Terrance & Phillip appear dressed as cowboys. Terrance farts, Phillip laughs, then "ASSES OF f*re" appears with flames behind the words, then a large "2" lands next to the E in f*re. It is set to come out June 21, 2002. It is rated R. It ends, and the boys take time to absorb it all] Cartman: [tosses his popcorn into the air] Woohoo!!! [the popcrn showers all the boys as they begin to move around happily] Stan, Kyle, Butters: Yeeeeesss! [begins dancing] Stan: That looks AWEsome! [Cartman goes to the phone and starting dialing a number] Kyle: They were wearing cowboy hats! [to Stan] Did you see?? [to Butters] Did you see?? [Butters stops dancing] Cartman: [on the phone] Clyde, Clyde? Did you see that? [Stan jumps up on the sofa alongside Cartman] Yeah, we- Whoa, we think it's gonna be good, too. Butters: Hey, I'm so glad we didn't miss it! [picks up some popcorn and toses it up into the air] Cartman: You guys, Clyde said he taped it and kids can come over to have a see. Stan: Oh, dude, let's go! Butters: Yeah. [the kids head for the front door] Kyle: Hey, that's even better than their first movie, huh? Cartman: Yeah, it sure does! Stan: I wonder if it all a western? Butters: How far away is June? [The Russell Crow show, sunset. The sun is about to drop over the horizon behind Russell and Tugger.] Russell Crowe: Well, we sure had a good time today, didn't we, kids? We fought some Chinamen, a few packers, and a lot of Colombians, to name just a few. But I sure am glad we got ol' Wally B. back. Aren't you?? [a wallaby hops into view] Wally B.: I'm glad to be back, Rusell! [a woman and girl walk by, but stop and look] A Girl: Oh my God, it's Russell Crowe! Russell Crowe: [in the old woman falsetto] Oh my God it's Russell Crowe! Oh my bluh bluh bluh!! [gets into his fighting stance] Why don't you flush yourself down the toilet, you cu- [the girl's mother picks her up and hurries away] Tugger: Mooo-oooo. Russell Crowe: [puts his hand to his ear and gasps] Uh oh, Tugger's whistle. You know what that means. [the wallaby hops to the boat as Russell backs away from the camera. He begins to sing as Wally B. turns around...] Tugger's whistle's blowin' Means we must be goin' No more Russell Crowein' for you. [does some boxing moves and then hops into the boat] But now don't you start to whine I'll see ya again next time. 'Cause there's plenty a-more a-foightin' left to do. [Wally B. hops closer, and finally into Russell's arms. Next sh*t, a departing Tugger, headed for the sunset. Russell appears and sings the signature line, slowing with every word] Makin' movies, makin' songs, an' foightin' round the world. See you next time, everybody! [waves to the camera] [South Park, night. Chef's TV is still walking around, but this time away from town. It's showing the Russell Crowe show. Chef is still trying to shut it down.] Chef: So I'm supposed to press "menu," then "function," then "enter." [End of The New Terrance and Phillip Movie Trailer]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x05 - The New Terrance and Phillip Movie Trailer"}

foreverdreaming

[Cartman's room, day. Cartman and Kyle stand inside watchng Stan, who is peeking out the door, waiting for someone] Stan: [turns to the boys] Okay, here he comes. [join Cartman and Kyle] Kyle: Who wants to tell him? Cartman: I'll do it. Butters: [joining the three] Hehey, fellas. I'm glad you called me. There was a pie-eating contest down at the firehouse, and I thought we should all go. Cartman: Butters, could you take a seat, please? Butters: Wuh well, sure. [They all go before Cartman's desk. Cartman takes a seat behind the desk. Stan helps Butters to his seat, then takes a place at Cartman's right side Kyle is on Cartman's left.] Cartman: Butters, we have to have a very difficult conversation. Butters: Wull what is it? Cartman: Well, in the, in the months since our friend Kenny died, you've really stepped up as a friend and "filled the gap." [wiggles the index and middle fingers of each hand as a quote gesture] Butters: Well uh, it's my pleasure! I love bein' you guys' new friend. Cartman: Yes. Well, Butters, it's just not working out. Butters: Nnnot working out? Cartman: I'm afraid we're gonna have to let you go, as our friend. You're just tooo... Kyle: Lame Cartman: Lane, yes. Butters: Well, but ah I can get better. Stan: Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you for friendship opportunites elsewhere. Kyle: But we certainly want to thank you for all your hard work and attempts at being our friend, lame as they were. Butters: Huh but ah I thought we were gettin' along... great. Heh ah I thought we were really havin' fun together. Cartman: Yes, well, we weren't. Butters: Please, fellas, uh don't f*re me. Kyle: We're sorry Butters. [Cartman leaves his chair and approaches Butters] Our mind is made up. Cartman: [shakes Butters' left hand] But we certainly wanna thank you for coming by. [points to the door] You know the way out, right? [Butters look at the other two boys, who each returns a somber look. He gets off the chair, looks once more, then walks away dejectedly] Kyle: Phew. Stan, Cartman: Phew. Kyle: Hm, I think he took that pretty well, I think. Cartman: Who cares? Stan: All right, so let's get started on who's gonna be the new person to take Kenny's place. [Butters' house, night. A thunderstorm hovers over the neighborhood. Inside Butters' room a hamster set is seen, and beyond, Butters standing on his bed, looking out his window. He has an angry expression on his face] Butters: [angrily] The world isn't fair. I do everything people ask me to. I stand in the lunch line for them, I buy tampons at the store for them, I go on Maury Povich with balls on my chin for them. [turns around and sits on his bed, wistfully] And yet, nobody accepts me. I am an outcast. A shadow of a man who can find no companion... ship. No love from others. [the shadow on the wall turns into that of an old humpbacked man] Fine! [hops off the bed determined to do something about it] If I am to be an outcast, so be it! [walks towards the camera] I'm through doin' what others tell me to do, and I am sick of this world and the stin-, and the stinky people in it! [moves to his left] From now on I will dedicate my life to bringing chaos to the world that has rejected me! [an image of a nuclear blast going off as people run from it] I will become the greatest supervillain [people run as danger comes from the sky] the world has ever seen! [a tsunami takes over a harbor town as a woman and beby flee it] Where I go, destruction will follow! [exults at his new destiny, raising arms and face towards heaven as lightning strikes. A sh*t of the exterior with more lightning] [Butters goes about making a suit for himself. He begins with a sheet of aluminum foil and shapes it around a styrofoam head to make a helmet. He pulls out a shirt from the closet and makes it a cape using a sewing machine. Pretty soon, he's finished - he's dressed as something of a knight] Butters: Prepare, O little town! Uh prepare for the greatest supervillain you've ever seen! Professor Chaos! [grins devilishly] Linda: [knocking on Butters' door] Butters, time for bed. Butters: Hu-uh, okay Mom. [waits a few moments, then gets that devilish look agian.] Yes. Uh sleet sleep for now. [turns and faces the camera out side once more] Tomorrow, the chaos begins. [begins to laugh softly, then harder, than more maniacly, then in full maniacal laughter] [South Park, morning. A small stage is shown in Cartman'ss backyard, with a camera off to the side. Kyle, Stan, and Cartman walk up on stage and look out over the backyard] Cartman: [takes the mic] All right, we wanna thank everybody for coming. This is a great turnout. [camera pans across the seated kids, then back to Cartman] Uh, as you know, our friend Kenny died a few months ago and we are still looking to fill the void with a new friend. Now, you've all been selected as possible candidates, but unfortunately, there is only room for one of you. So Stan and Kyle and I will be spending the next few days going out with each one of you and narrowing our choices down. Until we think we've found the perfect friend. Are there any questions? Clyde: [after a moment of silence] ...What if we don't want to be your friend? Cartman: Clyde... [mouths something]... okay. Now, the first thing we have to do is cut the list down from twenty choices to ten. And so today we will all be going to the amusement park together to see who we want to cut. Please keep in mind that this will all be videotaped, so put on your best friend faces, and may the best friend win. Oh, and we will be needing a ten dollar per person entrance fee. [South Park, later. The camera looks at the end of Main Street, and Butters comes over a bump on the street. He heads towards the camera right in the middle of the street as the adults around him talk or window-shop. He walks on, and a Bennigan's appears to his left. He turns to look at it, then runs through the front doors. He stops just inside. The diners go about eating and chatting. A waitress serves a table] Bennigan's Chef: Order twenty-three is up, and uh, order twenty-four is up. [presses down on a bell twice.] [Butters sees the dishes and walks up to them. He stares at them for a few seconds, then switches them, grinning evilly. He then drops down quickly as a waitress comes for the dishes. She delivers them to the two diners who ordered them] Man 1: Uh, waitress, a-a-actually, I ordered the chicken soup. This is minnestrone. Man 2: Yeah, I had the minnestrone over here. [Butters laughs at his own cleverness. The diners look at him] Butters: I am Professor Chaos, and now, this puny world uhwill bow down to me! [cackles once again and runs out of the restaurant. The diners resume their eating after a few seconds.] [Montage 1 - A Day At The Amusement Park.] Stan: [voice over a scene of all the kids walking down Main Street at the amusement park] So today we went to the amusement park with all our possible friends. [cut to Stan seated on a green sofa under a spotlight] It was a really fun time. We rode all the rides and everyone got along great. Cartman: [on a blue sofa] I think the person that stood out most at the amusement park was Jimmy. [cut to Jimmy entertaining Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Dougie, Clyde, and Craig] Jimmy: [cut to Jimmy on a dark green sofa] Well, the, the reason I think I would make the perfect foreh- friend, is that I love telling jokes. You know, who doesn't like to laugh? Kyle: [seated on a cyan sofa] Tweek. Now there's an interesting choice. Tweek has a lot of qualities that I look for in a friend. Tweek: [sipping coffee, shaking violently] What if they don't pick me? What if they get us all, man! I mean, Christ! If they can get to the Pentagon, then they can get to us all, man! Aaaa! Dog Poo: [a sh*t of the kids on the mine track ride, Dog Poo in front with Cartman. Cut to the dirty boy who resembles Pigpen seated on a red sofa] I think I deserve to take Kenny's place the most, because, I've been hanging around these guys for like five years and I never get to say or do anything. Cartman: ...Yeah, I've only seen that kid in class, but he never does anything. He's more like a prop. [takes a sip of ZOOP soda] Kyle: [a sh*t of Kyle, Cartman, Tweek, and Towelie in a spinning teacup] Towelie is a tough choice because, [cut to Kyle talking] even though I can see how always having a towel around can come in handy, he's just always so high. Towelie: [17 in towel years] Man, I really hope I win, because... wait... why is this again? I have no idea what's goin' on. Cartman: We decided to get some one-on-one time with Jimmy and ride the log ride. [cut to the log ride] The great thing was that, because Jimmy's crippled, we got to go to the front of the line. [the boys are escorted to the first car, cut back to Cartman] That was definitely big points for Jimmy, you know, but, but then we got to the ride itself, and... Jimmy: [back at the ride. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman climb into the log] Hey, I-I'm gonna need some help getting in the log, fellas. Ride Operator: O! Shut her down. Someone needs assistance. Cartman: [the boys look at Jimmy] Oh, really? [turns to his note pad] That's gonna cost some points. [writes down some numbers as Jimmy is helped into the log.] Kyle: [on the sofa] But right now I'd say if we're gonna have a ret*rd for a friend, I, I have to pick Timmy. Because Timmy doesn't tell any jokes. Jimmy: [cut to log ride. The boys are about to slide down the track] Boy, isn't this great fellas? Are we great pals or what? Stan: [voice over a scene of all the kids walking down Main Street at the amusement park] One thing for sure: picking our new freidn isn't gonna be easy. [South Park, day. Butters is still dressed as Professor Chaos, still walking down the street. A dog walks across the street and Butters stops next to it.] Butters: Kneel. Kneel before Professor Chaos! [the dog slowly kneels and Butters walks off cackling at his success] [Butters' house, later. He makes it to his room and locks the door. He cackles again] Butters: Ah, the look on their faces when they got the wrong soup. I love bringing chaos! [walks up to his dresser drawer and messes up some shirts in there, then closes the drawer and laughs] And that's only the beginning! [laughs evilly] [Cartman's backyard, day. All the kids are seated as they were yesterday. A box of roses sites on stage.] Cartman: All right, everyone. It was a tough decision, but based on our time with you all at the amusement park, we have whittled our choices down to ten. [Kyle goes off to get the box of roses] If you receive a rose, please stay. If you don't, get the fudge out. [Kyle returns with the roses and sets them down] Kyle, will you announce the people we want to stay? Kyle: [holds up a rose for every kid he calls] Token. [Token approaches, gets his rose and goes back to his seat] Clyde. [Clyde goes for his rose] Craig [Craig goes for his rose] Timmy Timmy: Timmih! [goes for his rose] Tweek: Oh man! This is too much pressure! Kyle: Pip [Pip smiles and goes for his rose] Jimmy [Jimmy goes for his rose] Jason [a new boy with high forehead, goes for his rose] Towelie [Towelie goes for his rose] Luigi [Luigi goes for his rose]. Cartman: Just one more rose left, Kyle. Who does it go to? Kyle: Tweek. Tweek: Aaarr! [goes for his rose] Cartman: All right, the rest of you, thanks for coming. Get the fudge out! [the others moan and leave their seats] Dog Poo: [incredulous] I didn't make the cut?? Oh God, I didn't make the cut?? Dougie: I didn't even get a chance to have them get to know me! Stan: All right, congratulations to those of you selected to stay. In the end, one of you will be the new Kenny. [the camera pans over the remaining candidates] Good luck. [South Park, morning. Butters' house, kitchen. Linda is preparing some breakfast and Butters comes in confidently] Linda: Good morning, Butters. Butters: [takes a a seat at the table] It certainly is, Mother. Did ya hear about what's been goin' on? Some horrible new supervillain made somebody get the wrong soup order ot Bennigan's. Linda: No, [Butters blanches] I didn't hear about that. Butters: Yeh, you didn't? [leaves his seat and walks to the living room] [Butters' house, living room. Butters walks up to Chris, who is on the sofa reading the newspaper] Butters: Uh Dad, can I uh can I see the newspaper real quick? Chris: [lowers the newspaper] Why sure, Butters. I was just about to get some breakfast. [hands the paper to Butters, who sets it down on the floor and looks for headlines. The front page doesn't offer any he's looking for, so he turns the page.] Butters: [getting mad] Nothing. [turns the next page] Nothing! [closes the paper and stands up] It's the liberal media! They're keeping the stories of my deads covered up, so as not to cause a panic. Well, I guess it's time to take it up a notch! [makes two fists signaling his stepped-up efforts] [The bus stop, later. Stan, Kyle and Cartman stand with Craig. Scene music plays] Stan: Okay, next? [signals for Craig to leave. Craig walks away and Token comes in to take his place. Scene music plays. A few moments for the boys to get a feel for Token] Kyle: This looks pretty good. Stan: Yeah,it's not bad. Next? [Signals for Token to leave. Token walks away and Timmy rides in to take his place. Scene music plays.] Timmy: Timmay! Cartman: Next? [South Park Elementary, day. Most of the class is present. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stand at the front of the class. On the chalkboard is the times table for 4] Cartman: Okay, so now we're gonna see how you all work as a friend during classtime. Your performances will be judged primarily on how you help us cheat and give us answers. So good luck, everybody. Ms. Choksondik: [entering] Sit down, boys. Cartman: Alrighty then. [the boys take their seats] Ms. Choksondik: All right, children, before we get started, has anybody seen the eraser for the chalkboard? [a sh*t of the class, then of Butters. A sneer comes to his face as he laughs to himself. The room darkens around him and a shadow appears on the lower part of his face] It probably got knocked on the floor somewhere. Can you all just please look around your desks for it? [the kids drop from their seats and look around. The sneer is back on Butters' face and the shadow returns] Butters: [thinking] Yes. Look around for your precious eraser. You won't find it. That eraser's in my back yard, buried three feet below the surface of the earth. [a sh*t of Butters using a shovel to bury the eraser] And do you even suspect me?? No! Now we shall all see how you all like your dear chalkboard without an eraser. [Butters' deks moves around so the camera can see the kids looking for the eraser] And information, it just keeps pilin' up and pilin' up, until your minuscule brains can take it no longer! [the times table floats behind Butters and gets all jumbled up as he speaks, finally ending in a kid whose brains blow out of his head] Ms. Choksondik: No? Oh, oh well. Never mind. I've got a backup one in the desk. [opens a drawer, takes out an eraser and erases the times table on the board] Okay, today children, we're gonna learn about multiplying times five. Butters: [thwarted, begins to think again. The people around him take on their picture-negative counterparts] So! You all think that you can outsmart Professor Chaos, do you?! Ms. Choksondik: Now, whenever we multiply a number times five, the result is going to end in a zero or a five. Butters: Ms. Choksondik, Ms. Choksondik: [turns around] What is it, Butters? Butters: Ah, I need to go to the bathroom. R-really bad. Ms. Choksondik: Oh alright Butters. Take the bathroom pass and go. [Butters gets off his seat and heads for the door. He takes the pass from the pegboard] Okay, so for instance, children- Butters: [opens the door, then looks back] Alright. I'm goin' to the bathroom now. If anybody needs me, ah that's where I'll be. Ms. Choksondik: Just go, Butters. [Butters smiles and leaves] Okay, so for instance, five times one is... what, Eric? Cartman: Uh, what's the question again? Ms. Choksondik: [holds out the five fingers on his right hand] Five... times... [holds out the index finger on his left hand] one. Cartman: Five times one is of course... The Class: [minus Cartman] Five. Cartman: Five. [the door opens and Professor Chaos appears] Butters: [enters cackling] The time for fun and games is over, feeble-minded fools! [approaches Ms. Choksondik] Ms. Choksondik: Who are you? Butters: I am Professor Chaos! Bringer of destruction and maker of doom! Those who do not know me yet shall know me very soon, for the hour of Chaos ih-is at hand! [turns, takes the other eraser, and walks out cackling, closing the door. The class just looks at the door] Ms. Choksondik: Hey! That kid took my last eraser! [heads for the door] Come back here, kid! [as she reaches the door, it opens and Butters enters] Butters: Oh! Ah, I'm back from the bathroom. Ah I really let one go in there. Ms. Choksondik: Butters, did you see another little kid run out of here? Butters: Why yes, I did. But he pushed me down and I scraped my elbow. [raises his right elbow] Go on and look at it. It's scraped. Look. [as Ms. Choksondik looks at the elbow, the shadow and sneer return to Butters' face. He begins to think] Yeesss. Go on and see the red mark on my elbow, the red mark I made myself to throw you off Professor Chaos's trail. Ms. Choksondik: It looks fine, Butters. [rises and addresses the class] Okay, hold on and stay here, children. [leaves the classroom. Butters sneers again] [South Park Elementary, later. Recess. The kids are at play. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Craig are standing together] Kyle: You're such a fatass, Cartman! Cartman: Oh yeah?! Well, you're a stupid Jew! Stan: Shut up, fatass! [silence. They look at Craig and the anger fades from their faces as they wait for him to respond] Craig: Oh, aaaah, well you guys are dumb. Cartman: [escorts Craig away] Okay, Craig, interesting choice. Powerful stuff there, Craig. Thank you very much. [Craig leaves] [Betters' house, night. Craig is at his desk working with his hamster set.] Butters: It is almost ...complete. The creation of my minions who will assist me in bringing terror to the world. [puts glue on some aluminum, puts the aluminum on a hamster] There we go. [the hamsters will be armored, as he is. He places the hamster back in the cage] Ye-ess, my minions of, of chaos. [the hamsters begin to make noise] Shhh. Night now, night now my lovelies. Your time to bring dest-struction will come very soon. [the door opens and Butters quickly throws a blanket over his hamster cage] Aaahhh! Linda: [Linda walks in and towards his desk] Butters, a note for you was left on the front door. Butters: A note? Linda: Here you go. [gives it to him and walks out] And wash your hands after you touch those hamster - you'll get AIDS [exits and closes the door] Butters: Okay, Mom. [takes a look at the envelope, spins around in his chair, and opens the envelope. He reads the letter within: "I know who you are. The South Park Docks. 7:30. Tonight"] So. Someone has discovered my horrible secret. This could be a trap set by the FBI. Oh, I'll be at the docks, precious FBI! But it is I who'll have the trap set for you! Come, my minions! [pulls off the blanket] We haven't much time! [Cartman's backyard, night. Stan, Kyle and Cartman are on stage for the next round of elimination] Cartman: All right, everyone, the time has come for us to narrow the list down from ten to six. But first, let us just say that the people who we didn't pick were only not picked because they totally sucked balls. Kyle? Pip: They're not going to pick me. I just know they're not. Tweek: O-oh Jesus! Aaah I can't take it! Kyle: [as before, holds up a rose for every hame] Token. Token: All right! [goes for his rose] Kyle: Timmy. Timmy: Timmay! [goes for his rose] Kyle: Tweek. [Tweek goes for his rose] Pip Pip: Really? I don't believe it. [goes for his rose] Kyle: Towelie. Pip: What? Cartman: Just one mroe rose, Kyle. Kyle: Jimmy. Jimmy: Oh boy! Oh thank God! [goes for his rose] Cartman: All right, those with roses will move on to the swimsuit and talent competition. The rest of you, get the fudge out! [Craig, Clyde, Jason, and Luigi leave] Clyde: [turns and looks at Cartman] This whole thing is stupid! You don't pick people you wanna be with by making it into a game! Cartman: Ooooooo, somebody's a sore loser! Clyde, I believe I said, "get the fudge out!" Which means, kiss mah fudgin' ass, go fudge yourself, fudge ya, get the fudge out, Clyde! [South Park docks, night. Under a red moon, Butters sneaks along the docks, making sure no one sees him. He creeps from box to box and peeks out from behind one. Another face peeks out from behind a box at the other end of the docks. This face is younger, with glasses] Dougie: [steps out] Hey Butters. Butters: [drops his guard and steps out] Oh, hey Dougie. [gets into character] Oh I mean, my name is Professor Chaos. Dougie: I saw you change in the school bathroom. You stole that eraser in your class. Butters: Very well. You called out Professor Chaos, and you also called out, eh your own demise! [pulls out two hamsters from his pockets and sets them down] Go now, my minions. Go and take this, this foolish mortal down! [the hamsters head back towards shore] Aw minions, naw, not that way. He- [turns to see them leave] come back minions. Dougie: I'm, not trying to call you out, Professor Chaos. I want to join you. Butters: Join me? Dougie: Yeah I want to join you in your conquest of destruction. Butters: But why? Dougie: [approaching] I'm an outcast, too. A frail child cast aside by society. I want to follow you and... whatever you're doing. Butters: Uh very well. You shall be my accomplice in evil. Together, we shall bring the world to its knees! A-and make all those who banished us from society run... red. Dougie: Do I get a neato costume made out of aluminum foil, too? Butters: Well sure you do. Ah I am professor, and you shall be my general. From now on you are General... Disarray. Dougie: General Disarray. Butters: Now let us go look for my minions! [softly] They ran away here, now to find 'em... [the new villainous duo search the docks for the hhamsters] [Montage 2 - The Swimsuit And Talent Competition. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit on the chairs in the audience. The six remaining candidates are on stage.] Cartman: [a sh*t of him on a sofa] The swinsuit competition really gave us a fresh look at some of the candidates. [a sh*t of the three boys making comments during judging. Cartman takes notes] Jimmy: [on a sofa] Well, I don't think I did too well in the... bathing suit competition. But I can't wait for the talent show competition. That'll really my chance to... shine. [cut to Cartman's house den for the competition. Jimmy's doing his comedy routine] Wow, what a terrific audience. So anyway, a guy walks into a buh- ...A guy walks into a b- ...buh... [a sh*t of the three boys getting bored] A guy walks into a guy walks into a [goes into a sing-song mode] babuh ba-a-a, uh- [next, Towelie playing an electric guitar - "Stairway To Heaven" - but messes up] Towelie: Okay wait... [starts over, but messes up. The boys are bored again] No, no wait. [tries again] Cartman: Next please. Token: [takes the mic] Well, what am I supposed to do? Kyle: Anything that'll impress us, Token. Cartman: If you were our friend, how would you keep us entertained? Token: Aaaah. Oh, I know. [takes his shirt and ties it into a knot between his breasts, then begins to shake his bott, giving the impression of a hula girl] Cartman: Very nice. [takes notes] Stan: I like it. [takes notes] Kyle: [back to recap] Well Token was a definite winner for talent show. But then we decided to take everyone to a baseball game, to see how we got along there. [Coors Field in Denver. The game is underway. A sh*t of the field.] Announcer: There goes a h*t to left field, and Foley's going to score. [the bleachers. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Pip sit and watch the game] All: Woohoo! Kyle: Yeah! Isn't this great?! Vendor: [making his way down the steps] Kids, get your drinks here. Pip: Eho! Yes. Can I have some tea, please? Cartman: You don't drink tea in a ballpark, you French piece of crap! Pip: Oh, very well. Just some crumpets, then. Cartman: All right, that does it! Pip, get the fudge out! Next! [Pip leaves his seat and Token comes in] Stan: Okay, let's try this. [a sh*t of the field. The Jumbotron at center field loses focus and glimpses of Professor Chaos are seen] Cartman: Hey, what's wrong with the Jumbotron? Butters: People of Earth! Your meaningless lives are about to end! I am Professor Chaos, [Dougie comes into view] and this is my partner ih-in evil, General Disarray! In the past few days I have rained terror down upon the society that shunned me! And now it is time for my Labor of Lonely! I am going to... flood... the world! Man 3: Flood the world? Man 4: My God! Woman: [grabs onto someone] I don't wanna die, [screams] I DON'T WANNA DIE! Butters: Oh yes. Every living creature and every sacred building will soon be under leagues and leagues of cold and dark water. And there is nothing you can do to stop me! General Disarray, begin the flooding of Earth! [Dougie goes to the faucet by the porch and turns it on, then brings the hose to Butters. Butters addreses the world] You brought this upon yourselves! You made the outcasts of the world! Now watch! Watch as your precious planet drowns! Watch! [points at the pool of water now forming on the ground. The crowd watches in silence] Man 5: Jesus Christ, who will save us? Man 6: We have very little time to live. How, how shall we spend our last hours on earth? [the crowd stops and reflects...] Fans: Yeah! All right! [everyone takes off their clothes and celebrates in their underwear] [Butters' house, day. Butters and Dougie are in the back yard watching their puddle grow and grow] Butters: Our reign of terror is complete! Our tur- turmoil has now come full circle! [the two of them watch the hose yield its water, seemingly slowly] Hey, is the hose on full, General Disarray? [Dougie goes to look, then returns] Dougie: It's on all the way. Butters: Oh. Alright then. Nothing to do now but watch the world die! [cackles and dances around, then resumes watching the puddle grow. Day fades to night] Boy, this sure is takin' a long time. [Stan's house, dining room. The three boys sit at the table with pictures of the six candidates. They discuss their findings.] Stan: Okay, so how do we all feel about Towelie as our new friend? [holds up Towelie's picture] Cartman: I think Towelie is awesome. Kyle: Towelie is cool, but he gets stoned all the time. You can't really rely on him for anything. Stan: [weary] Oh, this is giving me a headache. Kyle: Eh now, [pounds the table with his fist] come on, you guys, we can't take this decision lightly. Whoever we pick is going to be the person we do everything with from now on. Stan: [acquiescing] You're right. Well now, how about Timmy? [holds up Timmy's picture] He's quiet and he takes direction well. Cartman: Yeah, but Timmy can be really self-centered. Stan: How about Token? [holds up Token's picture] Cartman: Token's a smartass. Kyle: So? You're a smartass! Cartman: Yeah. Do we really need another one? Kyle: Good point. [Stan sets the picture down. A door opens] Jimmy: [approaches the table] Hey fellas. I was just in the neighborhood and I thought I'd stop by to s-gif- gift basket. Cartman: [disgusted] Oh, thanks Jimmy Jimmy: There's some chocolates and lih-licorice, and some games and peh- pencils inside. Stan: That's great. Kyle: Cool. Jimmy: Yeah well, I guess I'll be seeing you, you friends later. [leaves] Cartman: Alright Jimmy, see ya. [the door closes] Stan: Suckup. [Butters' house, next day, backyard. The pool has covered much of the yard. General Disarray jumps in the water as Professor Chaos looks on passively on the porch] Butters: Not long now, General Disarray, and... our horrible plan will be complete. Dougie: Hey, do you think maybe we should build a boat? You know, like a little raft or something, so that when the world floods you and me and the minions can live? Butters: Oh yeah. I hadn't thought o' that. That's a pretty good idea. I'll go get a hammer. [the sound of vehicles screeching to a stop outside the yard] Hey, who is that? [on the street, two Water Department vans come to a stop. Four men, two from each van, step out and get their tools. They enter the yard and approach the hose] Worker 1: Is this it? Worker 2: Yeah, two thirteen, that's the one. [Worker 1 proceeds to close the faucet] Butters: Heeyyy, what are you doin'? [Worker 1 finishes and the workers leave, climb into their vans, and drive off. Professor Chaos and General Disarray look on in sad disbelief. Suddenly, Butters flares up] Aaaah! You may have won this time! But I will be back! Dougie: What do we do now? Butters: [softly, pensive] Well I had another idea of how to k*ll the world, but I thought it was... almost too horrible to e- to even speak of, but- [with anger growing] but now they have left me with no other choice! [Cartman's backyard, day. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are on stage while the candidates sit in the audience. Pip is missing] Cartman: Well, this is it. We have made our final decision and one of you is who we will be spending our childhood with, as our new friend. [the camera pans across the audience, showing the candidates close-up] Jimmy: Oh puh please. Oh, Oh God... please. [Timmy just grins. Kyle draws the last rose from the box.] Cartman: Four friends, just one rose. The moment of truth is here. Kyle? Who does the rose go to? [another sh*t of the candidates] [A hilltop, later. Butters reaches the top of a hill carrying a box, with a red sky above him. He sets the box down] Butters: This is is, General Disarray. My final solution. [cut to a view of the town from said hill. ] Dougie: [catches up] What evil plot do you have this time, Professor Chaos? Butters: Simple, my dear general. We are going to tear down the Earth's precious atmosphere! Oh yes! My latest plan will melt the polar ice caps, a-and burn all the world with the, with the... hu- sun's harmful rays! [reaches into the box and withdraws a spray can] Say goodbye to your... precious ozone and hello to chaos! [begins spraying away. The can empties without discernible effect, and Butters tosses it down] Okay, hand me another one, General Disarray. [Dougie reaches in the box and takes out three cans. He gives one to Butters and keeps the other two. Butters quickly opens the can and sprays away, cackling all the while. Dougie opens his two cans and begins spraying as well, cackling along with Butters. The camera begins to zoom out] Announcer: Will Professor Chaos's latest plot succeed and be the final undoing of Earth? [a sh*t of Stan, Cartman, Kyle, and the fourth boy under a blanket, all in Stan's living room] And which boy has been chosen to be the replacement for Kenny? [six adults are then shown: Chef, Mr. Garrison, Jimbo, Officer Barbrady, Ms. Choksondik, and Mayor McDaniels] And which of these six South Park residents was k*lled, and will never be seen again? [a question mark appears on screen] The answer to those questions will be answered... right now. [A final sh*t of Butters and Dougie with ten spent cans and three in use] No. [Stan's living room: the blanket comes off the fourth boy] Tweek. [on the street, in front of a house: Ms. Choksondik is on a gurney as paramedics cover her body with a blanket] Ms. Choksondik. [End of Professor Chaos]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x06 - Professor Chaos"}

foreverdreaming

[Kyle's house, day. Stan and Kyle are happily preparing a snowman, which now has twigs, buttons, a hat and scarf. Tweek stands behind Stan holding a carrot.] Stan: Okay, now put on the nose, Tweek. [Tweek moves forward, but then backs up. Stan rises and turns to Tweek] Tweek: I can't. [presents the carrot] You do it. Kyle: Just stick it on. Tweek: But what if I put it in the wrong place? [he's right to be apprehensive. With his constant twitching, the carrot may well end up... in the wrong place] Stan: Just put it between his eyes. Tweek: GARH. But what if, while I'm putting on the nose, the snowman comes to life and tries to k*ll me? Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time? Kyle: Yeah. Butters: [happens by and waves] Hey, fellas. Stan: [flatly] Oh, hey Butters. Butters: How are things... oing with your new best friend? Kyle: [walks up to Tweek] Well, Tweek's okay, but he's certainly no Kenny! [takes the carrot from Tweek's hand] Tweek: Arrrr! Butters: Yeah, but he's still better than you, Butters. Kyle: Yeah. Butters: Well ah, that's good. Good luck being their new friend, Tweek. I hope you'll do better than me. Well, see ya fellas. [takes his leave, screen left. Stan and Kyle resume work on the snowman] Tweek: Oh man, that is waaay too much pressure! [Kyle puts the carrot in place] Cartman: [off screen. Stan and Kyle look] You guys, you guys! You're not gonna believe it! [excited, he rushes up and stands between then, holding an ad] Stan: Uh oh. Cartman: Everything's gonna be okay, you guys! Life isn't so crappy after all! Tweek: It's not? Cartman: No! I was looking in this magazine, and I found an ad for little ocean creatures that you can buy and raise in your room! Kyle: No way. Cartman: Look! [the boys draw close. The ad is shown] Sea people. You keep them under a big t*nk of water and they like, build castles and play basketball and stuff. Kyle: Nuh uh. Cartman: Yeah! And look! They ride around on turtles and they play games with fish. Kyle: No way. Cartman: [shows irritation] Okay, Kyle, you're being a Negative Nancy. Stop it. Eh, unless you want everyone to call you Negative Nancy from now on. [turns to Stan and Tweek and continues excitedly] Now, what we need is to all chip in four dollars, and we can have them here tonorrow! Kyle: Only sixteen dollars? They can't be cool if they're only sixteen dollars. [Cartman's smile vanishes and he shuts his eyes. He stays quiet for a long time, calming down] If Nancy doesn't want to chip in, then it will be $5.35 per person! Stan: Alright, I'll chip in. Tweek: Gah! Me too. Kyle: [resigned] Naw, alright. [Butters' house, day. He reaches his room.] Linda: Butters! Don't forget: dinner is in two hours! Butters: [in the doorway] Wokay, mom. Ah I'm just gonna be up here, uh doin' my homework. [he enters and closes the door behind him. His evil face shows] Yes. By day he is mild-mannered, sweet, and innocent Butters BUT... [runs to his closet and opens the sliding door, then steps inside] nobody knows that he actually has a dark underside... [slides the door shut and changes clothes. He slides the door open and comes out dressed as] Professor Chaos! Haha! Time to wreak havoc on the world that shunned me! [runs to his window, opens it, and jumps out. He skulks through the woods nearby with an easel. He reaches a clearing and sets up the easel. General Disarray shows up pulling a wagon of firewood] Dougie: Professor Chaos! Butters: Ah, my faithful companion in world destruction, General Disarray. Dougie: I have done as you asked and brought the first load of scrap wood. Butters: Excellent, General Disarray! Now we can begin my most horrible evil plan yet to wreak havoc on humanity. [EVIL PLOT #4-B] Dougie: What dastardly deed are we doing now? Butters: Simple, my dear general. [flips the page over to show a drawing of the town with a huge shade over the town, held up by a tall pillar] We are going to block out the sun! Dougie: [looking at the picture] Oh. [turns around] Butters: Oh yes! I have plotted for weeks, and figured that if we build a huge ...wooden shade eighty feet high, a-and fifty feet wide [a hamster peers from the wood and drops back down again], precisely on this hill, South Park ...will forever be cast in a great shadow. Dougie: Oh, awesome! Butters: Soon, all people will have to live like moles! They will love only to remember with sorrow how great the sun used to be! [laughs with evil glee] Dougie: Cool. It'll be just like on the Simpsons. [Butters stops laughing and freezes in place] Butters: [tilts his head forward] Huh? Dougie: They did that on the Simpsons. I think it was the Mr. Burns character. He tried to block Springfield from the sun. Butters: He did? Hawww, heck. I thought I was bein' original. Dougie: So how do we build it? Butters: Aww, I don't wanna do it now [drops his hammer], not if they already did it on the Simpsons. [walks off dejected] I have to think of something else. [they walk through the woods] Uh Goddamnit, how come every time I think of something clever, the Simpsons already did it? [Cartman's house, night. The living room light is on. Cartman is sleeping, dreaming...] Cartman: Sea people... coming in the mail tomorrow... [bubbles appear as Cartman dreams] Yesss... Yeesss... [The dream sequence] Cartman: [shown floating down to the briny deep. Two pairs of sea arms catch him. The sea couple rights him and walk with him in the middle] Look at me, livin' free Free and clean amongst the Sea People [the sea couple and he sail by in a tiny pirate ship. They take him into the castle] We look for pirates and search for gold. Life is an adventure with the Sea People [A sea man pitches to Cartman, who bats the ball for a run. As a sea family looks on he blows out the candles on a cake.] They don't ever conplain, they don't call me fat. They don't make me do homework or nothin' like that. [he rides a sea horse alongside sea people on horseback and grins at the camera] This is the way life was meant to be. Laughin' and singing, [Shown walking with the sea couple again.] Sea people and me. Sea people and me, you guys. [The dream ends and the bubbles fade away. Cartman wakes up, smiling] Cartman: Woowww. Only three more hours, sea people. [closes his eyes and turns to his left side] Only three hours and you can take me away from this crappy goddamned planet full of hippies. [goes to sleep] [Cartman's house, day. He's at his desk with the new kit while Stan, Kyle, and Tweek stand behind him. His dressed as a monarch, in suit, crown and cape.] Cartman: Okay. I've added the water purifier tablet to the Sea People Kingdom t*nk. Now it says [slowing down to read] "Step 2. [grabs a small sack] Add the Sea People eggs to the water; you will see sea life spring instantly." [smiles, then remembers something. He turns to face the other boys] Okay, let's just run through this one more time: when the sea people arrive I will welcome them to South Park as Ambassador of Earth. Tweek, you give them the key to the city, and we'll all engage them in simple conversation. We've gotta make sea people feel comfortable, okay? Ready? Stan: Ready. Let's see 'em. Cartman: [turns to the t*nk] Hold the sign up, Kyle! [Kyle picks a sign up off the floor and holds it to his chest] Higher, Kyle! [Kyle raises it higher, in front of his face] Okay. [opens the egg sack and whispers] Here we go. [pours the eggs into the t*nk and taps the bag for good measure. Kyle moves the sign a bit so he could peek. Cartman grins again in anticipation, but it fades. Kyle lowers the sign to his chest. Cartman looks from various angles, then takes out the magnifying glass for a closer look. Two pale shrimp crawl around in the t*nk. Kyle drops the sign] Stan: Are they playing basketball? [Cartman picks up the box and looks at the front. A close-up of a sea couple. Cartman looks in the t*nk and sees just shrimp. He looks displeased, Kyle has the sign in hand again] Cartman: What the f*ck is this?! [Stan approaches and looks in the t*nk] Stan: Hey, these are brine shrimp. I used to feed them to my fish. Cartman: I got RIPPED OFF! [pounds the desk and sets the box on the floor to his left] Kyle: I told you, Cartman. Cartman: [approaches Kyle and confronts him] Oh, shut up, Kyle!!! Shut your Goddamned Jew mouth!!! You people are why there's w*r in the Middle East!!! [moves on to Tweek] And you, Tweek!! Why don't you learn to button your shirt right, for once?! You're as bad as Stan with his stupid girlfriend, always spending time with her!! God, I hate you guys!! [his rant ended, he walks across the room] They were supposed to take me away to their underwater kingdom. They were supposed to take me on adventures of the deep Tweek: [shaking] They package brine shrimp and sell them to kids? That's not right, man! Stan: What are we gonna do with them? Cartman: [at the window] Who cares?! Throw 'em away!! Kyle: [approaches the t*nk] Hey! Let's pour them in the teacher's coffee tomorrow morning. Stan: Yeah, that'd be funny. Cartman: [brightly] Heheh, okay, okay. [next day, Ms. Choksondik's house. The scene from last episode is carried on here, only zoomed out. The paramedics take Ms Choksondik's corpse into the ambulance as a crowd looks on. The adults murmur amongst themselves. The ambulance pulls away and Cartman pulls the other boys in with some urgency.] Cartman: Alright, listen to me! We must take a strict vow of silence! Tweek: [blurts out] Jesus Christ, we k*lled her! Cartman: [rushes to Tweek and covers his mouth] Shh! Tweek, shut the hell up! [Dougie's house. He's doing homework on the living room coffee table when a doorbell rings. He goes to answer it. He opens the door and Butters steps in with something under wraps] Butters: General Disarray, are your parents home? Dougie: No. Butters: Ah, I've done it, General Disarray. I've completed my most horrible deed to date. Dougie: What? Butters: You know that big statue in the town square of pioneer John Wesley Powell? I snuck over there with a hacksaw and uh, and I cut off his head! [pulls the cover off and laughs maniacally] Hahahahaa, yeah! Dougie: Oh, uh... Butters: Hahaha, and they're probably just realizing that now! Quick! We must turn on the news! [turns on the TV] News Anchor: ... but Hillary Clinton's ass just keeps getting bigger. [the image in the small box changes from Hillary to that of the decapitated statue] Also in the news tonight, a vandal has apparently cut off and stolen the head of the Powell statue in the South Park Town Square. Butters: Look! Look! I've made the news! I-I've wreaked havoc! News Anchor: The head was taken in the early morning hours and the police have no leads. Butters: I finally made the world sorry! I've brought sadness, a-and chaos! News Anchor: This act, of course, reminded us all of the time that Bart Simpson [a picture of him appears in the box] took the head of the Springfield statue in one of their classic episodes. Here's what some people had to say: Man 1: Well, I, I think whoever took the head was... really just doing an homage to the Simpsons. [laughs] Heh, I think it's great. Woman: Yes, it really made me reflect on that episode and laugh. Man 2: Well the Simpsons is such a great show, and we need reminders like this to keep us watching. Butters: Oh. Uh-m, son of a bitch. News Anchor: The police say that instead of looking for the missing head, they'd rather leave it off and be reminded of the Simpsons every day. Butters: Well why didn't you tell me the Simpsons already did that? Dougie: You seemed so proud, I didn't wanna bum you out. Butters: [walks away hanging his head] Stupid Simpsons... [Kyle's house, night. The boys watch TV on the sofa] Terrance: Hello there, Phillip. I brought you something Phillip: Oh, what is it? [Terrance farts and Phillip comments, but the boys talk over him] Kyle: See? We're just watching cartoons, like always. Nothing's changed. Tweek: Jesus Christ, she's d*ad!! Stan: Stop it, Tweek! We're pretending like nothing happened. Terrance: Phillip, I think I may have accidentally k*lled Celine Dion. Phillip: [gasps] k*lling is never an accident, you dickface! [farts, and the two of them crack up] Stan: Oh jeez, change the channel. News Anchor: And in other news, still no known cause of death found for elementary school teacher Diane Choksondik. However, doctors say that during the autopsy they did find semen in her stomach. [there's a pause and the boys look aghast] Stan: They found the sea men! It's only a matter of tiime before they find the women, too! News Anchor: The autopsy is ongoing and cause of death is yet to be determined. Kyle: Oh God! Stan: We're d*ad! Tweek: Oh Jesus! [moves off the couch] That's it, man! I want nothing more to do with you guys! Cartman: Tweek! Where are you going? Tweek: They're gonna find you out! Then when they do I don't wanna be within fifty feet of you! You're gonna fry, man! Stan: Hey, Tweek, you're in this just as much as we are! Tweek: What?! I told you NOT to put the sea people in her coffee! I wasn't even there when you did it! Kyle: Yeah, but you're our new friend and that makes you cul.. p-piable! Cartman: In fact, that makes you the most responsible. Tweek, you might have to take the fall on this one. Tweek: Rrrr-hr-hrrr!!! [Chef's house, night. The boys arrive at his house and ring the bell. He opens the door and sees them] Chef: Oh, welll, hello there, children. Stan: Chef, we did something kind of bad. Kyle: We don't know who else to talk to. Chef: Ohh, I'm sure your little cr*cker problems ain't all that bad. Come on in. [the boys enter and Chef leads them to the sofa] Now, just sit down and take a deep breath and tell ol' Chef what's goin' on. Stan: [pause] We need you to promise not to tell anybody. Chef: Nowww, children, every problem can be worked out. What was it? Stan: We... k*lled our teacher and they found our seamen in her stomach Chef: ...Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you k*ll your teacher and they find your semen in her stomach, and uh Wait! What the what?! Stan: [b*at] So what should we do? [Chef thinks, then goes and pushes the sofa towards the door and onto the entry path] Kyle: Wow, I guess this really is a big deal. Cartman: We've only got one option, you guys. We're gonna have to go to that hospital where they're doing the autopsy and get our seamen back ourselves. Tweek: Gnaaahahahah! [pulls on his hair and looks at his fist] I pulled out my hair! [Dugie's house, night. In the living room Butters begins to pitch ideas.] Butters: Wokay, how about this, Dougie? [backs up to the easel. On it is the schematic to plan #123-D] I-I'm going' to pose as a real-estate agent and con everyone in town into buyin' a monorail. And then skip town with all their money. [Dougie just looks back] No? Dougie: ...Simpsons did it. The did it in episode 204. Butters: Wokay [flips to the next page to show #124-A], then I'm goin' to start a Web site to spread vicious ru-rumrs about everyone in town! And and then I'll take their- Dougie: Simpsons did it! Butters: [flips to plan #129-E] I'll bury a skeleton wearing angel wings so that the townspeople will think a fallen angel has fallen- Dougie: Simpsons did it! [Hell's Pass Hospital, night. Cartman leads the other boys into the coroner's office] Stan: This is it. Cartman: Alright, everyone scatter and look for the seamen. Tweek, stay by the door and keep a look out. If you see anybody coming, say the code word: Hammertime. Tweek: Hammertime? Can't the code word just be... "lookout"? I won't remember "Hammertime"! Cartman: [whispers] Ugh. [then] Just remember the song "Can't Touch This" and you'll remember the code word! Stan: Yeah, stupid. Tweek: Oh, God. [the boys split up. Tweek goes to the door ajar and steps out, Kyle to a table to the right, Cartman to a table to the left, Stan to the supply closet. Cartman opens the doors under his table and looks around, then goes to Kyle's table to check out the drawers there.] Kyle: [takes a wide covered beaker and look in it] There's nothing here! [puts it back and Stan approaches] Stan: Dude, it's probably in her stomach. [Kyle approaches the corpse in the middle of the room and pulls back the cover. Ms. Choksondik's chest and abdomen have been cut open right down the front] Cartman: Is it her? Kyle: Yeah, it's Ms. Choksondik alright. Stan: What do we do now? Cartman: Just reach in there and get the seamen out of her stomach! [the boys look at him, shocked] Oh, God! You guys are such pussies! [starts digging around in the belly] Hemmm... Tweek: [voices are heard; he rushes back in] Erm! Hff. You gu-guys! Ha... Hamme- [covers his mouth] I can't remember uh-the code word! Stan: Do you see the sea people. Cartman: No, just a bunch of goo. Tweek: [hushed tones. Shadows appear down the hall and move towards the room] You guys! Um, dum dumdumdum, dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this. Dum dumdumdum, dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this. Kyle: Ms. Choksondik stinks inside. [covers his nose] Stan: Yeah. Tweek: [two people come down the hall] ...dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this. Dum dumdumdum, dumdum, then stop. HAMMERTIME! Stan: Aaah! Kyle: Quick. Hide. [the boys disperse. Stan runs to the closet he looked in earlier, Kyle to one on the opposite side, Tweek behind the door] Voice: [outside] Yeah, well, at least we got Shannon Sharp back. [Cartman burrows his way into Ms. Choksondik's corpse] Doctor 1: Alright, let's just leave the semen sample next to the corpse; I wanna run a hair fiber test next. [snips a piece of hair off and turns around. They both walk back out] Doctor 2: Hey, do you smell children? Doctor 1: No, that's not... [voice fades. The doctors leave and the boys come out of their hiding places. Cartman is still in the corpse] Kyle: Got it! Stan: Let's go! [He, Kyle, and Tweek head out the door quickly. Cartman pops out of Ms. Choksondik's corpse gasping for air] [Butters house, later that night. Butters presents plan #127-C] Butters: Bring the World Cup to South Park so the... a huge soccer riot can destroy the- Dougie: Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it! Butters: [flips to plan #125-E] Take all the beer cans in South Park and have them shaken up in a huge mixer at the paint store so that- Dougie: Episode 9F17 entitled "So It's Come To This!" Butters: [seethes for a few seconds] Fine! Then maybe I'll just forget about destroying the town and just run away and join the circus! [sits down next to Dougie] Dougie: ...Simpsons did it. Butters: Dwaah!! [Cartman's house, later. In his room he takes the semen sample and pours it into his t*nk, tapping the rim of the t*nk so the semen can start moving. The semen slides into the t*nk and puts the lid back on] Cartman: There. We just put the sea people back in the t*nk with the others, and nobody will ever know. [looks at his hands] The blood is washed neatly from our hands. [the door opens and Chef enters with a bunch of stuff.] Chef: Alright, children, I got you four tickets to Thailand [in his right hand, with a sports bag] and three hundred dollars cash [inside the suitcase in his left hand]. It's gonna be tough living for a while. You might have to do things for money you never thought of doin' before. Cartman: [stopping Chef] It's alright, Chef! We got our sea people out of the teacher's stomach.and we put them back in their aquarium! Chef: [confused] ...Wait, what? Sea people? Stan: The sea people that we put in the teacher's coffee. Chef: Uhh, maybe you'd better start from the beginning. [Forty-three seconds later...] Stan: ...and then we put them back in the t*nk. Chef: [drops the bag, suitcase, and tickets] Oohhh, children, you misunderstood. Sea people is different from se-men. Kyle: It is? Chef: Yes! That stuff that was in that vial didn't come from you, it came from someone else. [begins to chuckle] I thought you children took turns rapin' and then m*rder the teacher. [laughs] Cartman: Well if they found somebody else's sea men in her stomach, maybe they'll find our sea people, too. Chef: Relax, children, junk that's in brine can't k*ll you. Your teacher must have died from something else. Kyle: Oh, really?? [all four boys let out a sigh of relief] Tweek: Egh! I'm so relieved. Gaah-ah-ah! Chef: Alright. You children have had a long night. Why don't we all get some rest and on Monday, I'll sing you a song explainin' the difference between semen and sea people. [picks up the stuff. The boys approach] Come on, children. I'll walk you all home. [the boys follow Chef out] Stan: [turns and waves to Cartman] Okay. Goodnight, Cartman. [turns and exits. Kyle follows] Cartman: G'night, guys. Kyle: I'm so glad we're not m*rder. [Cartman closes the door behind them, moves to his bed and talkes off his hat and shoes. He places his hat on a corner of the footboard and hops into bed] Cartman: [settling in] Ah, so great that everything is finally back to normal. [dozes off. The camera moves to the t*nk to look at the t*nk.] [South Park, next day. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek stand at the bus station waiting for the bus.] Cartman: [rushes up] H'you guys! Come quick! [turns and runs off] You won't believe it! Stan: Oh no, what now? [the boys turn left and follow] [Cartman's house, later. He leads them to his room, to the t*nk] Cartman: Those sea men from the teacher's stomach somehow combined with the remaining sea people we had left in the t*nk and, ah, well LOOK! [the other three approach the t*nk. Cartman picks up the magnifying glass for a closer look] Kyle: Whoa. [the close-up reveals a budding civilization with sea people building multi-story apartments and reads. The brine shrimp have g*n to morph into sea people. Some of them wear clothes] Stan: Wow. How did that happen? Cartman: I've been up for hours doing some calculations, and I've come up with my final theory of composite dynamics. [brings out a small chalkboard with an equation written on it and points to the various parts of the equation] Sea people plus sea men equals sea ciety. Kyle: Whoa. Stan: They've already accomplished so much. Tweek: They're like, bacteria. Small organisms live much faster lives and do things at a much faster rate. Cartman: That's right, Tweek. And if my theory is correct, all we need to get is more of the two reacting agents, and we can really see them flourish. Tweek! Tweek: Hr! Cartman: You go and send away for mre sea people from the magazine ad! Get at least five gallons of them here stat! Stan and Kyle, you go find a bigger fish t*nk to them all in. Kyle: Well what are you gonna do? Cartman: Me? [camera closes in on him] I'm gonna go out on the town and find ten gallons of sea men. [Dougie's room, day. Butters and Dougie are in costume. Between them is a contraption under a white sheet] Butters: I've done it, General Disarray. I've watches all one hundred and thirty-two episodes of the Simpsons, twice. And I've finally come up with something... tha they have never done! Uh, behold! [pulls the sheet off] This device that I have made will take the cherries out of chocolate-covered cherries and replace the inside instead, with two-month-old mayonnaise. [grins] People will think that they are gonna get a bite of a sweet, delicious cherry, but, instead, they'll get a mouth full of yuckies, and sticky mayonnaise. Hey! [begins to cackle. Dougie fiddles with the machine] You've never ...seen this on the Simpsons, right? Dougie: No, I think the Simpsons would be more clever than that. Butters: Good! Then l-let us take my machine outside and make society finally pay for sh-shunning us! Announcer: [a commercial for Cheesy-Poofs gives way to a Simpsoons commercial] Tonight on the Simpsons: It's a laughorama when Bart builds a machine that takes cherries out of chocolate-covered cherries and replace them instead, with mayonnaise. Butters: Nnno [turns and faces the TV], uh no, no, it can't be. Dougie: Uh oh, Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it! [a sh*t of the TV] Butters: No! No! [begins hallucinating] Dougie: [now looking like Bart and no longer in costume] Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it! Butters: Aaaaah! Dougie: Don't have a cow, man. Butters: Oh sweet Jesus! [Sperm Bank of South Park, day. Cartman hums as he approaches the door. He enters and walks down the hall. The tellers follow him with their eyes.] Woman: Can I help you? Cartman: Yes, my mommy told me this is where I could find some sea men? Woman: Your... mom told you? Cartman: Do you have them or not? Woman: We... sell semen, yes, but not normally to children. Cartman: What's your name? Woman: Frances Velman Cartman: Frances, let's talk. I don't want a bunch of bullcrap from you and you don't a bunch of bullcrap from me, right? Where does that get us? Nowhere. The truth is, I'm completely certified to handle sea men, and though I may appear young, I'm one of the leading sea men authorities of the Midwest. Up and comer, you know what I'm saying? I'll have my own business soon and I'll need people to run it. I'm talkin' about you, Frances. And I'm talkin' about a six-figure income. How does that sound? [she looks at him and rises, moving off to her left.] Woman: [goes to a refrigerator and pulls out a sample] Everything we supply here is by a quarter-ounce. [returns to the desk and gives it to Cartman] One donor, certified, on record. Cartman: [inspecting the vial] I see, very interesting. [pulls the cap off and pours the semen onto his left hand] Frances: What are you doing? Cartman: Takin' a look here. [pulls out a portable microscope and inspects the semen between his left thumb and index finger. He stretches and squishes the semen. Frances looks on puzzled] Seems like quality stuff you got here, Frances. Yeah, good texture, nice consistency. Sea men must be alive and healthy in there. I'll take five. Frances: Five? Vials? Cartman: No, gallons. Frances: Www-we don't have that much here. Cartman: Damint! Give me all you've got, then! [the seminal fluid slides down on his fingers] [South Park, in town. Butters runs from Dougie, who chases after him] Butters: Aaah! Ah, Ah, Aaah! Nooo! Nooo! Dougie: Simpsons did it!! Simpsons did it!! [Butters runs past Tom's Rhinoplasty, but stops to look at the town. It warps into Springfield; Tom's Rhinoplasty becomes Wink-E Mart] Butters: Waaaah! [starts to run again, and the school bus pulls up. Butters hails it down.] Hay! Uh let me on! Let me on! [the door opens and Butters steps on] Ms. Crabtree: [looking like Otto the driver, but still with bird in hair] SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!! Butters: [jumps backwards] Haaah! [ends up on his back on the sidewalk as the bus pulls away] Mr. Garrison: [looking like Smithers] Butters, have you seen Mr. Hat? Chef: [looking like Dr. Hibbert] Hello there, children! Butters: [runs back the other way] Aaah! Nooo! [Chef and Garrison look at each other] Mr. Garrison: ...What the hell's wrong with him? [Cartman's room, later. Stan looks at the aquarium and sees the civilization has developed further. Pyramids now appear. The sound of running water is in the background. Cut to Kyle filling a larger t*nk with a water hose.] Stan: Look, the sea people have evolved to an Egyptian-like culture. Tweek: Soon they'll discover frozen food. Goh-ho. Cartman: [entering] That should be enough water, Kyle. You got the new sea-people packets, Tweek? Tweek: Uh-uh huh. Stan: Well, drop them in! [Tweek opens the packets and drops the contents in] Cartman: And I've got the sea men. [raises a bowl of semen up to the t*nk and begins scooping the fluid into the t*nk.] Kyle: Wow. That's a lot of sea men you've got there, Cartman. Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley. Stan: That's cool. Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, this stupid assh*le didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck it out of a hose. Heh. [scoops out the last of the semen] There we go. [drops the empty bowl] Stan: [hands Cartman the smaller t*nk] Okay, now let's put the sea ciety in its new home. [Cartman takes the t*nk and turns it over, pouring the sea ciety into the larger t*nk. Screams are heard from the sea people] Cartman: Nothin' to do now but wait.[the boys huddle around the new, larger t*nk.] Stan: ...Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose? Cartman: Uh-huh, suck it out of a hose, yeah. Stan: Hm. Kyle: Huh. [Cartman's house, next day. He's asleep, but begins to stir. His eyes open and he grins at what he sees. He hops off the bed and rushes to the t*nk. He looks here and there and finds a more advanced civilization in the t*nk.] Cartman: Oh my God! The tiny underwater civilization has advanced hundreds of years. [grabs his magnifier and looks at the society. It now looks Roman. He begins to speak in wonder] Look! There's a library! A-and a temple! And a- woh-? [spots a statue. It's one of him. Hundreds of sea people worship it] Oh. They think I'm God. [throws the magnifier away and rejoices] Yes!!! I am god of the sea people!!! You hear that?! [runs to his window, throws the doors open and screams out] I am god of the sea people!!! I am master of their great sunken empire!!! [his mom opens the door and takes some trash to the trash can next to the driveway] Mo-o-om! I'm god of the sea people! Liane: [returning to the house] That's nice, poopie. [enters and closes the door] [Butters' house, day. He's sitting in the living room, which now takes the appearance of the Simpson living room] News Anchor: [shown as Kent Brockman] And in other South Park News, elementay school teacher Ms. Choksondik's [Simpsonized] autopsy has shown that the semen in her stomach belongs to school counselor, Mr. Mackey. [also Simpsonized] However, the semen apparently did NOT contribute to the death, and so Mr. Mackey's identity is to remain anonymous. [Mackey's image becomes a silhouette and a question mark appears over it. Simpsonized Stan and Kyle enter the room.] Stan, Kyle: Hey Butters. Butters: [spots their altered appearance] Haaa! Stan: Hey, what are you doing, man? Cartman says he has something really cool to show everybody. You've gotta come. Butters: Cartman? Cartman: [arrives, shown as Nelson] Ha ha! [Butters is just stunned.] [Cartman's house, whick now looks like a typical Springfield house, day. In Cartman's room, everyone but Butters is shown Simpsons-style. Present are Chef, Mr. Garrison, Liane, Tweek, Timmy, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Dougie, and Butters. Cartman displays his new sea ciety] Cartman: Behold! You all see my tiny minions groveling at my likeness! I am Eric Cartman, god. Kyle: Hey. We paid for the sea people too. How come they're not making statues of us? [Butters looks on with some trepidation] Cartman: Be you not jealous, Jew. I am creator of all things, yea. Mr. Garrison: That is very impressive, Eric. What do you intend to do with your underwater society? Cartman: I'm gonna send a message to my people and tell 'em to develop a great machine that will shrink me down to their size, so I can live amongst them forever. Butters: [sensing a chance to retort] Aha! Ahaha! Ahahahaha! Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you, Butters? Butters: They did that on the Simpsons! Ha! Treehouse of Horror! Episode 4F02! The Genesis tub. Lisa loses a tooth, and the bacteria on it start to grow, and makes a little society, and they build a statue of her thinking she's God! Ha! Hahaha! Cartman: [everyone is silent for a few seconds, then] ...So? Kyle: ...Yeah. So? Cartman: Dude, the Simpsons have done everything already. Who cares? Stan: Yeah, and they've been on the air for like, thirteen years. Of course they've done everything. Mr .Garrison: Every idea's been done, Butters, even before the Simpsons. Chef: Yeah. In fact, that episode was a rip-off of a Twilight Zone episode. Butters: Really? So I shouldn't care if I come up with an idea, and the Simpsons already did it. It... uh...doesn't... matter. [smiles. Everything before him is back in South Park-style] Everything is back to normal, a, I think... I think I can go back to tryin' to destroy the world again. Chef: Good for you! Cartman: Yeah, that's great Butters. Now get the hell out of my room. Butters: [heads for the door] I feel like a spring chicken. I'm ready to wreak havoc once again! [runs out of the room. Dougie stays behind] Stan: Hey, look everybody! The other side of the aquarium is building another statue! [the others turn around to see. Shown is a statue of Tweek in progress] Kyle: Hey! It's Tweek. Tweek: Me?? Aw, man! I don't wanna be a god. That is waaay too much pressure. Cartman: That is bullcrap! You'd better stop worshiping him, sea people! [small expl*si*n are seen and the t*nk jumps] Mr. Garrison: What's going on now? Kyle: The sea people from Cartman's side are su1c1de-b*mb the buildings on Tweek's side. Tweek: Gaaa-hah! Cartman: Yeah! Go! [two more expl*si*n are seen] Tweek: NOW what's happening? Stan: The sea people on Tweek's side just su1c1de-b*mb the Cartman statue. Cartman: Oh God-damnit! [two m*ssile, one from behind each statue, fly towards the surface and back down towards their respective targets. The impacts both m*ssile create tear the t*nk apart and the sea people flood out of the t*nk. Screams are heard as they fall to the ground] Cartman: [stunned, he looks and falls on his knees] Oh no! Oh the humanity! Mr. Garrison: Well it was a nice project while it lasted, boys. Kyle: Yep. But I guess this proves that w*r is the natural order of life. Cartman: Why can't societies just live in peace? [End of Simpsons Already Did It]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x07 - Simpsons Already Did It"}

foreverdreaming

[South Park Catholic Church, day. Organ music plays. Inside, Priest Maxi is at the pulpit speaking to the congregation] Priest Maxi: Parents, it's that time of year again when the bishops and priests from around the country are organizing the Young Men's Catholic Retreat. This year, we're taking the boys on a weekend boat trip to discuss Jesus's role as the Navigator of our lives. Stan: That sounds pretty fun. Randy: [pondering] A Catholic boat trip? [raises his left eyebrow and begins to daydream. He first sees a ship and disco music starts to play. What he imagines is "The Catholic Boat," a television program about cruises on a luxury cruise ship.] Singer: The Catholic Boat's gonna be headin' on out today. The Catholic Boat. Time to throw all of your cares away. Get some hot Chrisitan action; it'll make you- [As the song is sung, the show's logo appears: "The Catholic Boat." A pink anchor rises and ushers in the next scene: A happy Father Michaels stroking his chin. A second anchor, and Young Boy #1 (Butters) is shown. A third anchor and Father Williams appears. He pulls his shirt up to expose his chest. The fourth anchor, and Young Boy #2 (Tweek) is shown. The fifth anchor, and three priests, Fathers Abraham, Duncan, and Ortiz, are shown partying. Father Abraham falls over laughing. Father Duncan grabs Father Ortiz behind the head and pushes the head down... The sixth anchor, and Young Boy #3 (Stan) is shown. A priest's arm appears, running the index finger all over Stan's face...] Randy: [snapping out of it] Waaah! Waaah! [stops. Everyone in church looks at him, including Priest Maxi] Uyah [coughs a few times and clears his throat] ahem. 'Scuse me. [South Park Catholic Church, day. Mass ends and the congregants go to their cars. A crowd gathers around Randy. The McCormicks are present.] Randy: Look, I just don't think it's the best idea to let our boys to go on a c-cruise with the priests. Richard: We can let them go, can we? Linda Stotch: There's no way my son's going. [A black SUV, nearby. Stan, Cartman and Tweek are in the back seat. Cartman looks out the closed window.] Stan: What are they talking about? Cartman: I don't know. Tweek: Maybe they wanna k*ll us. [back to the crowd] Randy: With everything that's been in the news, I think it's best to keep our kids... far away from the priests. Stuart: [dressed in fur-lined denim] Now, come on, everybody, just because a few priests in the country have been corrupted doesn't mean that all priests are child molesters. Richard: Well, sure, that's easy for you to say; your son's d*ad. But those of us with alive children need to be sure that Father Maxi's on the up-and-up. Sharon: I've heard about other towns bringing in counselors that know how to find things out from kids without really telling them what's going on. Randy: It couldn't hurt. Richard: Uh, Sh-sh. Here he comes, here he comes. [all fall silent, then start whistling as Father Maxi passes by.] Priest Maxi: [stops to listen] Uh... Good-bye, everyone. All: [not all at once] Good-bye, Father. [resume whistling as Father Maxi walks off] Chris: Alright, then, it's settled. Tomorrow we'll find an outside counselor and... find out the truth. [Park County Community Center, next day. The boys are chattering when a woman comes in and stands before them.] Counselor: Hi boys. My name is Ms. Gorache and I need to ask you a few questions about your priest, okaaay? Boys: Okay. Counselor: Okay. Would you say that Father Maxi is... nice? Or mean? Boys: [separately] Nice. Stan: Um, cool. Counselor: Okaaay, what words would you use to describe your priest? [long pause] Butters: Compassionate. Counselor: Okay. And did Father Maxi, at any time, ever try to put somethig in your butt? [long pause] Cartman: Ih... in our... butt? Counselor: You don't need to be ashamed or embarassed. Just, did he ever try to put anythig in your butt? Stan: ...Like ...money? What? Butters: You mean, like a goldfish? Counselor: No, no. Did he ever try to put anythig that belonged to him in your butt? Boys: [in unison] No. [The Community Center, hallway. The parents wait for the counselor to finish talking with the boys] Thomas: This is ridiculous, havin' to sit out here waitin' to find out if our priest molested our kids. Man: Yeah, what what has Catholicism come to anyway? Randy: [rising. The others on his bench rise with him] You know, I think we've just had it with the Church. All the horrible things they've done to kids, I... I think I'm gonna become an atheist! Richard: That's a good idea. I'm gonna be an atheist too. Linda Stotch: Let's all be atheists! All: Yeah, yeah, alright. Man: If there was a god, why would he let our kids be molested in the first place? Chris: Yeah, let's k*ll God, yeah! Randy: Well uh, let's, let's just be atheists. Chris: [thinks a bit, then looks at Randy] ...Same thing. Randy: Yeah! [all clamor and charge out of the center] [South Park proper, on the curb. Stan, Cartman, and Tweek sit and think about stuff...] Stan: What would the priest ...possibly want to put in our butts? [silence. Only birds are heard] Cartman: [thinking] Maybe... No. Kyle: [stopping by] Hey dudes. Stan, Cartman: Hey. Tweek: Arr! Kyle: What are you guys doin'? Stan: We had to go meet with this counselor lady, and she asked us if the priest every put anything in our butts. Kyle: In your butts? Cartman: Yeah, isn't that the damnedest thing? Kyle: Why would he puyt anything in your butts? Stan: We don't know. We're- that's what we're tryin' to figure out. Cartman: Hm. Kyle: [joins them on the curb] Hm. [long pause] Chef: [stopping by] Hello there, children! Stan: Chef! What would a priest want to stick up my butt? Chef: Good-bah! [leaves quickly] Tweek: Rrrh. Nobody is going to tell us. This is going to drive me insane! Kyle: Calm down, Tweek. There has to be a rational explanation. Cartman: Aw, dude, I think I might have it. Stan: What? Cartman: [gets up and starts pacing] It makes perfect sense. Okay, w-work with me on this: if you eat food, you crap out yoru butt, right? Kyle: Yeah. Cartman: Alright, now keep working with me here, it's getting a little complicated. If you eat food and crap out yoru butt, then maybe, if you stuck food in your butt, you crap out your mouth. [long pause] Hm? Kyle: Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said - this week! Cartman: What, that's not dumb. Think about it: food goes in the mouth, comes out the butt. Food goes in the butt, comes out the mouth. That's not dumb, that's genius. Kyle: It wouldn't work! Cartman: Have you ever tried it? Kyle: I don't need to. It wouldn't work. Cartman: I bet you twenty buck it'll work! Kyle: You're on, fat boy! Cartman: Okay, let's go, Jew! [Cartman rushes off and Kyle follow. Stan and Tweek remain seated on the curb.] Parents: [pass by in a crowd screaming] Yeah, yeah! Down with God! Down with God! Randy: Stan, you're an atheist now! Richard: You too, Tweek! Parents: [moving on] Yeah, yeah! Down with God! Down with God! Tweek: I'm a what?? [Diocesan headquarters, day. Sixteen priests are present in the boardroom, with Fatherh Maxi presiding] Priest Maxi: Fathers, I want to thank you all for coming. Priest 1: [African-American] No, thank you for finally organizing an all-priests meeting, Father Maxi. I think we all agree something has to be done, quickly. [the other priests concur] Elderly Priest: Well, I don't know how it's been for all of you, but attendance at my church in Fort Rawlins is down sixty-three precent! [pounds on the table for emphasis] Priest 2: I'm down almost seventy in Greenleaf. Priest Maxi: Uh-yes, uh, I'm afraid if things keep going the way they are, we could lose our entire religion. Elderly Priest: Yes, we've gotta stop these boys from goin' to the public! Fat Priest: They've gotta know to keep their mouths shut! Other priests: That right, yeah. Priest Maxi: Right, and so... wa- wait a minute. What? Priest 1: Yes, but we've got to find out why these children are suddenly finding it necessary to report that they're being molested. Stop the problem at its source. Priest 2: Yes, but how? Priest 3: [amid discussion] Somethng has to be done. Priest 4: We've got to stop this- Priest Maxi: [rising] Whoa, whoa, hold on a second! The problem is that children are being molested, not that they're reporting it! [all fall silent] Elderly Priest: How do you mean? Priest Maxi: Well, I mean, obviously, what we need to put a stop to is all the sexual misconduct that is allowed to take place in our churches, and not just tell the children not to tell anybody about it. I mean, right? Priest 1: Well did any of the children you've molested come forward? Priest Maxi: No. Priest 1: Well, that's good. Priest Maxi: No, I mean! I've never molested any of the children in my church! Elderly Priest: Hih-it's okay, Father Maxi. We're all priests here; the doors are closed. Priest Maxi: Oh for the love of God! Are you all saying that you've engaged in inappropriate relations with your altar boys? We are here to bring the light of God, not harm the innocent! [the other priests look at him and laugh] I'm serious! Priest 2: Father, uh, having sex with boys is part of the Catholic priest's way of life. Other priests: Yeah. [they continue to talk, but Father Maxi isn't listening...] Priest Maxi: Dear God. This problem is much more severe than I could have possibly imagined. I have to go to the Vatican and get help. [South Park Elementary School, boys' bathroom, day. A group of fourth-grade boys gather around a toilet as Cartman stands before it trying to crap into it... with his mouth.] Kyle: Well, Cartman? Cartman: [turns to look at Kyle] Hold on! [turns back to the task at hand] God, let a man crap! Craig: [entering] What's going on? Stan: Cartman shoved food up his ass and now he's tryin' to crap out his mouth. Craig: Oh. [leaves] Kyle: Well, go on, smartass, and do it! Cartman: I'm doin' it already!! God, give me a minute! Stan: You've had five, dude! Cartman: [looking at the boys] I can't-, I can't do it with you guys watching. Turn around. Kyle: No! Because you'll just crap out your butt and then say it came out of your mouth! Cartman: Ugh! Do you really think I'd be that deceitful, you guys?! [the other boys fix their gaze at him] Ugh, goddamnit you guys, this si so seriously. [tries again. A few spasms later and a big log of crap comes out his mouth and into the toilet. All the boys are stunned, even Cartman.] Kyle: Get the f*ck out of here! Cartman: [excited] Yes!! Yes, I DID IT!! I crapped out my mouth! [starts chanting] I crapped out my mo-outh! [walks over to Kyle] You owe me twenty bucks, dickface! [Vatican City, Italy. Father Maxi has made it to St. Peter's Square. He exits a taxi cab.] Priest Maxi: [to the driver] Well, there you go. Um, grazie. [the driver leaves, Father Maxi turns to walk to the Vatican] Wow, I'm actually here. Vatican City! [looks at the fountains on either side of the square. Inside the Vatican a choir sings softly in the background as Father Maxi awaits the pope. The room is full or prelates. The pope, hunched over and frail, approaches the altar with a group of bishops] Italian Cardinal: Your Holiness, this is Father Maxi from America. He has brought this all to our attention. Father Maxi: [kneels before the pope] Your Holiness. [kisses the ring and the pope moans a bit in pain. The cardinal helps the pope up to his chair, then turns amd approaches the pulpit.] Italian Cardinal: Adoramus te, Christe. Other Cardinals: Et dominus... Italian Cardinal: Cardinals, bishops, and priests, an American priest by the name of-a Maxi has brought to our attention the most troubling of news. All over his-a country there are reports of children being molested by men of the Chuch. If things continue this way, we'll never be able to have sex with young boys again! [the prelates react immediately, protesting the report] Father Maxi: That's right-wait. What? French Cardinal: In France as well we are finding it harder and harder to... make love to our boys. Moroccan Cardinal: In Morocco they have arrested five of my priests. It's only a matter of time before they get the rest of us. Italian Cardinal: Father Maxi, what do you suggest we do to not get caught. Father Maxi: Not get caught? NO!! I, I think what we should do is not have sex with boys! [the prelates protest again] Italian Cardinal: It is not written anywhere in the Holy Document of Vatican Law that sex with-a boys is wrong.. Father Maxi: Well, maybe we need to change the Holy Document of Vatican Law. [the prelates protest even louder] British Cardinal: Speaking on behalf of the British Catholics, it is obvious that the priest doesn't realize that the Holy Document of Vatican Law can not be changed! The Clergy: [more protests] Yeah! It cannot be changed! Yeah! Gelgamek Cardinal: Yes, and speaking on behalf of the Gelgamek Catholics, I believe we should move on to other solutions to this problem. [the prelates protest even louder] Priest Maxi: Gelgameks? [Kyle's house, night. Cartman walks alone to the front door and rings the doorbell. Kyle comes to answer it. He opens the door...] Cartman: Kyle, could you help me out? I need some advice. [puts his hands behind his back oh so modestly] Kyle: What? Cartman: It's just that... I can't decide what to buy with your twenty dollars! [Kyle gets upset] I was thinking of getting this mega-man racer for $19.95, or I could get two Broncos trading packs for ten apiece. And then I thought- [Kyle shuts the door on him, looks, then turns around and walks away from the door. Cartman pops up outside a window waving the bill at him. Kyle turns, goes to the window, and lowers the blinds, then walks off] [Stan's house, dinnertime. Sharon brings out hanburgers from the kitchen] Randy: Oh boy, now that we're atheists we don't have to pray for our food. Sharon: That's right, everyone just dig in. [Grandpa takes a bite from his burger] So, kids,anything happen with your whole Sunday off? Stan: Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass and crapped out his mouth. Sharon: Stanley! [Shelley isn't too pleased to hear that] Stan: What? He did. Randy: Noho, it doesn't work that way, son. Stan: Yeah it does. Randy: No it doesn't. Stan: [firmly] Yeah. It does. [Randy looks at him angrily, then wonders if it could be...] [Stan's house, bedtime. Randy is in his pajamas kneeling before the toilet. He's now trying to crap out his mouth. After much effort, a log of crap comes out his mouth and into the toilet. Randy is stunned] Randy: Honey! Honey, come quick! [St. Peter's Square, day. Father Maxi is trying to get his point across] Priest Maxi: Look, people! I'm just trying to say that if we don't change the Holy Document of Vatican Law, then we might lose everyone to atheism! French Cardinal: What exactly do you suggest we change, Father Maxi. Priest Maxi: Well, for one, no sex with boys. [the prelates protest even louder] Another Cardinal: The Holy Document of Vatican Law states that a priest, bishop, or cardinal cannot get married, so where are we to get our sex? Priest Maxi: Uh well then, perhaps we could change the Holy Document of Vatican Law to say that... it's okay for a priest or bishop or cardinal to have sex... with women. [the prelates protest even louder] French Cardinal: Women? Gelgamek Cardinal: The Gelgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor-sharp teeth. Do you really expect us to have sex with them?! Priest Maxi: Wuh- okay, m-maybe we just need to forget about the Gelgameks for a second and focus- Gelgamek Cardinal: What's that about the Gelgameks?! [the other Gelgamek clergy protest loudly] Priest Maxi: I'm just saying, what works on planet Gelgamek isn't necessarily goin' ta work for the rest of us here, on Earth. You see? That's the problem we're having here. Italian Cardinal: But-a the Holy Document of Vatican Law cannot be changed! Priest Maxi: Why not?! Another Cardinal: Because we don't know where it is. Italian Cardinal: You see, Father, the Holy Document of Vatican Law has been hidden away deep in the Catacombs of-a St. Peter's below us. Hidden away so that it can never be changed. Priest Maxi: But if we locate it we can make changes to it? A bishop: HA! Good luck, father! The document is guarded by water lizards, rattle snakes and sand traps! The fools who have tried before to recover it met their deaths! Priest Maxi: Well we have to try. Our religion is dying! [Stan's house. He, Kyle, and Tweek watch television. The front door closes off screen.] Cartman: [arriving] You guys! You guys! Look! [he's dressed in a bathrobe, swim trunks, and sandals] Tweek: Harrr! Cartman: I went down to the bank and got Kyle's twenty-dollar bill turned into twenty single-dollar bills. Stan: So? Cartman: So? So now I can do this! [takes off his robe, throws the bills in the air, and rolls around in the floating bills.] Yeess! Yeess, Kyle's money! Mmmm, Kyle's money! Kyle: [simmers quietly, then] Go f*ck yourself, Cartman! Cartman: [luxuriating in the bills] Oh, it feels so good on my skin! Mmmm. Kyle: [gets off the couch and confronts Cartman] Get up, fat boy! I'm gonna kick your ass! Cartman: Gee Kyle, don't be a sore loser. It's over, okay? I won. Let it go. Kyle: So you crapped out of your mouth! Good for you! It's still stupid and immature! [a news bulletin's music is heard] Stan: Dude, look. News Anchor: [the News 4 set is shown] Our top story tonight, the age-old question has been answered: if I put food up my ass, will I crap out my mouth? All over the country, people are discovering that, yes, in fact, you will. [a new picture pops up] The sugeon-general had this to say: Surgeon-General: And the uh immediate research shows that the act is not only amusing, but in fact much healthier for out bodies than the old way of eating. [stands next to a cut-away graphic of the human torso] You see, food entering through the anus has the benefit of being broken down on its way to the stomach rather than afterward. And therefore I believe that interorectogestion would actually put a stop to high cholesterol and most kinds of stomach cancers. And I base that on absolutely nothing. News Anchor: The Surgeon-General's response has made Americans change their eating habits almost instantly. Cartman: [with a solid retort] That's stupid and immature, Cartman! Kyle: [moves closer to Cartman] It is stupid and immature! So you got people to crap out of their mouths! What do you want, a feakin' medal?! News Anchor: The Mayor of South Park has announced that for first discovering this healthy way of eating, young citizen [Cartman's picture appears] Eric Cartman will be given... a freaking medal. Kyle: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [A kitchen set in a studio, day. An attractive woman is busy preparing a dish on the stove] Announcer: [a show logo appears...] Now, with more on "Martha Stewart's Living" [the logo disappears and the camera zooms in]. Martha Stewart: In the past few days we've all heard of the healthy benefits of interorectogestion, and so making food that can be inserted into the ass is essential. [begins to move to her left] Now, everyone knows that some foods are simple to shove up the ass - puddings, soups, raisins... this is a nice raisin pudding right here - but we can also still eat our favorite foods. What we're gonna do today is prepare a Thanksgiving turkey for interorecto. [reaches the turkey and stops] Now, the key to shoving a turkey up your ass is first wrapping it in string, keeping the pointy wings neatly at the side. [starts wrapping the turkey. Two FBI agents show up at the rear of the set] FBI agent: Ms. Stewart, we have some questions. Martha Stewart: [starts wrapping faster] Not right now, I just wanna focus on my turkey, [softly] right now. [the agents withdraw. She finishes and lays the turkey down on a platter] Now, we're going to baste the turkey with lubricating gel rather than with juice - this'll help smooth the insertion later on. We still bake at four hundred degrees for twenty minutes a pound. [leaves that turkey alone and moves further left to a turkey fresh from the oven] When it's done we'll get something like this. [grins] So now we're ready to go. Looks delicious. Let's try it out. [takes the cooked turkey, moves to a clear area onstage, sets the platter down, stands the turkey up, moves into position, and sits on the turkey. Slowly, with grunts every few seconds, she eats the turkey with her butt] Aaaaa-... Yeah, get it up there. Yeah. AAAA. Yeeaahhhh. [one final heavy grunt, and a sigh of relief, then she stands up] Phew. And that is how you eat a turkey. [grins] We'll be right back with more. [grins, and exit music plays] [The Catacombs under St. Peter's Basilica. Father Maxi, with torch in hand, walks down a hall past walls with writing on them. He descends some stairs and crosses a large room, stopping at a door behind which there is a brightly-lit room.] Old Monk: [appears out of nowhere] Beoo! Priest Maxi: [jumps back] Ahh, hello. Uh- My name is Father Maxi, from the United States. Old Monk: What do you seek, Father? Priest Maxi: I... I'm trying to find the Holy Document of Vatican Law. ...So that we can make revisions to it. Old Monk: That Gospel... [turns around and faces the door] lies somewhere beyond this door. [turns around] But... many troubles await thee inside! Only he whose heart truly belongs to the Lord shalla make it through. Priest Maxi: I have to try. Our religion is in trouble, and... and that scroll may be our only hope! Old Monk: Then, prepare yourself. The time of trials begins. [turns and says to the door] Adoramus te, Christe! [the door becomes two doors, and they part to show the brilliant room. The old monk approaches Father Maxi] I wish you luck, Father. [moves to Father's left side and coaches him]Use all the strength, agility, and faith that you have. Priest Maxi: Very well. Here we go. [enters and finds himself in a video game environment. He jumps over a hole in one screen, jumps on the heads of three alligators gingerly in the next screen, grabs at a rope and swings over a lake to the other side in the third screen. He reaches the fourth screen. A snake appears in the underground passageway beneath him] Hmmm, there's a ladder up here. [climbs down the ladder and sees the snake] Oh my God, a rattlesnake! [turns and runs past the ladder to the next screen, where another ladder awaits] A way back up! [climbs up and rushes out of there. He enters a secret chapel, having survived all the obstacles to get there. He's quite beaten up. The document sits on a lectern and is well-lit. Father Maxi sighs] I've made it! Praise be to God! He hath shown me the way! [approaches the document] This must be it. The Holy Document of Vatican Law. [picks it up and blows any dust from it.] [The Marsh house, day. Six sets of parents sit around the living room coffee table. Randy sits on the sofa with the Stotches. Above them hangs a banner with red letters on white fabric: "SOUTHPARK ATHEISTS' CLUB"] Randy: Well, Sharon and I are havin' a great time bein' atheist. I for one can't believe I used to live my life by what a very old and very fictional book used to say. [all laugh] Linda Stotch: Well it's true. I mean, what do a bunch of stories about people in robes slaughtering goats have to do with today's world? Richard: Atheism has definitely made our lives better. Sharon: [arrives with fresh food and a basket] I made some quesadillas, if anybody wants some. All: Ooohh. Sharon: And if anybody needs to potty, there's a potty basket right here. [sets it down next to the coffee table] Richard: Oh thanks, Sharon. Man: You know, for Martha and I, we're, we're worried we might have a hard time raising our son atheist. I mean- [the quesadillas appear, and he takes one] whoa, thank you -I mean, [rises and unzips his pants] it could end up being very difficult raising an atheist child in such a Christian society. [puts the quesadilla up to his butt and begins eatng it. This causes him to grunt at times. Martha looks away] I feel that everywhere my poor son goes he's being persecuted for his beliefs. [finishes eating and zips up] Richard: That's true. If I'm gonna raise my son to be atheist, I don't want him saying "under God" every day at school. That could really damage him. "Under God" should be taken out of the- uh, 'scuse me. [turns aside, looks down, and opens his mouth] Moowwaaagh. [faces the group again and brushes off any remaining crap with his sweater sleeve] "Under God" should be taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance. Randy: [amid the chatter] That's right, I agree. [the others quiet down] And it should be taken off of money as well. [gets angry] The religious right in this country is trying to force our children to believe what they bel- [reaches for the basket and craps into it] Bwwaaaagh [finishes and sets the basket down] And we can't let the religious right corrupt our kids. All: That's right, that's right. [St. Peter's Basilica, day. ] Italian Cardinal: Cardinals, bishops and priests! Father Maxi has returned! And he has the Holy Document of-a Vatican Law! [the clregy ooohs and aaahs] British Cardinal: How did he make it past the water lizards? Priest Maxi: [lifts the parchment over his head for all to see] Yes, I have returned with the Holy Document of Vatican Law, so can we PLEASE, change it now to say, "It's NOT okay to have sex with boys"? [a sh*t of the clergy as the tapping of a staff is heard. It's the pope striking the ground with it.] Italian Cardinal: Wait wait-a, the pope-a wants-a to say something. [the cardinal approaches the pope and has words with him, then returns to the pulpit] The pope-a says we shall ask the highest source. [the clregy ooohs and aaahs. They begin to sway and chant, and the windows above brighten as beams of light flood in] Priest Maxi: [taken aback] Oh my. [a large screen-size area appears and a large creature rises from the depths] Italian Cardinal: The holy one! [archnid legs appear] Behold the great Queen Spider! [sure enough, a spider some twenty feet tall appears] The Clergy: Hail Queen Spider! Priest Maxi: [looking at the Italian cardinal] Queen spider? Italian Cardinal: O great Queen Spider, we seek a-your guidance. Queen Spider: What do you ask of me? British Cardinal: Great Queen Spider, we seek to change one of the Vatican rules. Queen Spider: The Vatican rules cannot be changed. So saith the Spider Italian Cardinal: Go on, Priest Maxi. See if you can convince her. Priest Maxi: Alright, that does it!!! I've had enough!!! You people have completely lost touch with the outside world! You sit in this big room with your Gelgameks and your Queen Spider, and none of it applies to what being a Catholic is all about!! A bishop: But the Holy Document of Vatican Law states that- Priest Maxi: To hell with the Holy Document of Vatican Law!! [tears it in two, and the clergy gasps. The basilica begins to tremble and fall apart and the clergy start screaming in fear. Outside, the square itself begins to crumble] [South Park, day. The boys stand in front of Stan's house] Cartman: [rushes up] You guys, you guys! [drags a small inflatable wading pool behind him] I took Kyle's twenty dollars down to the bank again, and I got it changed into quarters! Kyle: [irritated] So? Cartman: So now I can dump them into this little pool and swim in them all day long! [picks up the bag of quarters and prepares to pour them in] Yeessss. Kyle's monneey. [the quarters start pouring in, and Cartman gloats] Kyle: [approaches Cartman and tries a different tack] Cartman, there's something I need to tell you. Cartman: O-hoo, what's that, Kyle? Kyle: You were totally, one hundred percent right. Cartman: Heh... [the smile vanishes] what? Kyle: You won the bet. You were totally accurate about being able to crap out your mouth, and I've just been frustrated because I didn't think of it first. I want you to enjoy that money because... you really impressed me with your insight and... I'm... proud to have you as a friend. Cartman: [taking time to figure out what that means...] You sonofabitch, Kyle!! I hate you!! [kicks the pool and it deflates. He walks away angry. Stan and Kyle grin at each other - they planned this change in tactics. The parents arrive cheering and holleirng] A man: Yeah, the pope is gone! Randy: Great news, Stan! The Vatican is burning down! Linda Stotch: Score one for us atheists Richard: Come on, Tweek! We're gonna watch it on TV! [the parents resume clamoring and move off] [Vatican City, day. The clergy mill around in the ruins of the Vatican.] Italian Cardinal: Gone! It's all gone! British Cardinal: Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi. You've k*lled our religion. Priest Maxi: No I didn't! All that's d*ad are your stupid laws and rules! [the scene is being telecast] You've forgotten what being a Catholic is all about. [raises a Bible] This... book. You see, these are just stories. [the Marshes are gathered on the sofa to watch this. Grandpa is asleep in his wheelchair] Stories that are meant to help people in the right direction. Love your neighbor. Be a good person. [the Williams are watching] That's it! And when you start turning the stories into literal translations of hierarchies and power, well... Well, you end up with this. [shows off the ruins, and then the Queen Spider, then the Gelgameks] People are losing faith because they don't see how what you've turned the religion into applies to them! They've lost touch with any idea of any kind of religion, and when they have no mythology to try and live their lives by, well, they just start spewing a bunch of crap out of their mouths! [The Tweeks are watching. Richard seems to have crapped out of his mouth] Richard: [pause, then looks up] ...What was that last bit? Priest Maxi: Look, I, I'm proud to be a Catholic. But I'm a Catholic in the real world. In today's world! It's time for you all to do that, too. It is time... for change. [Stan's house, after the telecast] Randy: [after a moment of reflection] He's right, Sharon. We don't have to believe every word of the Bible. They're just stories to help us to live by. We shouldn't toss away the lessons of the Bible just because some assholes in Italy screwed it up. Sharon: O Randy, I don't wanna put food up my butt anymore. Randy: g*ng, I think maybe we, owe God an apology. Stan: Does this mean we have to go to church on Sundays again? Randy: No. It means we get to, son. It means... we get to. [all of a sudden, one more piece of crap comes out his mouth] [End of Red-Hot Catholic Love]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x08 - Red-Hot Catholic Love"}

foreverdreaming

[The Bijou, day, inside. The four boys are seated in the front row in the nearly empty theater. A couple sits near the back, just three rows behind.] Stan: Oh, cool. A preview. [the curtain goes up and the preview, for a PG-rated film, airs] Announcer: Coming this summer [those words seem to approach the viewer], it's the classic film that changed America. E.T.: The Extraterrestrial, the new, redone version for 2002. [First, the classic sh*t of the kids flying across the sky with the moon in the background, then a sh*t of the kids taking off from the road. The police who are there to stop the kids have walkie-talkies in hand instead of g*n.] All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded. [a sh*t of E.T. dressed in drag walking across a room] All the g*n have been digitally changed to walkie-talkies. And the word "t*rror1st" has been changed to "HIPPIE." Stan: Aw, dude, why would they do that? Cartman: Yeah, hippies and t*rrorists are the same thing. Kyle: No, dude. They only changed "t*rror1st" to "hippie" to make E.T. more P.C. Stan: That's gay. [next trailer airs. No rating seen] Announcer: Coming this summer, it's the motion picture that changed America. Saving Private Ryan, the RE-RE-RELEASE, where the word "n*zi" has been changed to "PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES," and all their g*n have been replaced by walkie-talkies. [a sh*t of the landing at Normandy, in all its bloody glory, but all the g*n are indeed walkie-talkies] Stan: Why the hell do these directors keep updating their movies? Announcer: And now, for your feature presentation: the classic RE-RE-RE-RELEASE of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back The Boys: Woohoo! Announcer: In the version, the word "WOOKIE" has been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks. The Boys: [first express shock, then anger] AWWWW!!! [they leave their seats.] [The Bijou, day, outside. The boys exit the theater] Stan: Goddamnit, that pissed me off! Cartman: [they reach the ticket booth] Yeah, we want our money back! Shlomo: Sorry, suckers! [quickly rolls the blinds down. The boys turn around] Cartman: You assh*le! [turns around and catches up with the other boys] Kyle: Why don't they leave those movies alone? We liked them the way they were! Tweek: Don't you see what this means? All our favorite movies are going to be changed, and updated, until we can't even recognize them anymore. Stan: Tweek is right. It isn't fair for those assh*le directors to keep changing their movies and making them different! Movies are art, and art shouldn't be modified! Kyle: Yeah, what if they had modified the Roman Coliseum every year? It would just be another big douchey stadium now. Stan: We have to do something. Let's form a club. Cartman: Yeah! We can form a club that takes food stamps from poor people and then sells them back to the government for a profit. Stan: No, fatass! I mean a club to protect films from their directors, so they can't be messed with! Kyle: Yeah. We'll be the "Save Films From Their Own Directors" club Cartman, Stan: Yeah Tweek: NO! Nono, ah I don't wanna form a club! That's too much pressure! Look, ah-I'm supposed to take it easy; just, watch the clouds, sit on the grass. And, if we form a club there'll be responsibilites. Commitments! Cartman: Tweek, now Goddamnit, we picked you to be our new friend to replace Kenny because we thought you were a team player! Tweek: I'm not! I'm not a team player! Cartman: Now, either you stop with these f*g or we'll find someone to replace YOU! Tweek: [giving in] D'oh-ho! Oh Jesus! [South Park, later. The boys stand next to a phone pole and Stan nails a sign onto it. He finishes and backs up to have a good look at it.] Cartman: Dude, that sign sucks! Nobody's gonna show up! Stan: Well what's wrong with it? Cartman: Look at it, dude. You're not offereing any fabulous prizes. You have to offer fabulous prizes if you want people to show up for your stupid crap. Here. [takes the marker and adds the words "FRee HAT" at the very end.] Kyle: "Free hat?" Cartman: Yeah, if you offer free hats, m-maybe people will show up. Tweek: But we don't have hats! Cartman: Well we can just make them out of paper. Tweek: Aahh! Cartman: It's not hard, it's just a stupid little paper hat. People just need free stuff - don't you guys know anything?! Tweek: You see?? First we were just forming a club, now we have to make hats! When does it end?? Stan: Alright, let's go get the gymnasium ready. Tweek, you go make fifty hats. [walks off with Cartman and Kyle screen right] Tweek: Fifty hats? Oh Jesus! [runs off screen left] [Tweek's house, later. He's at his desk in his room frantically making paper hats. His mug of coffee sits off to his left] Tweek: Ah! I'll never make it! I'll never make it! [his father happens by and notices the commotion] Richard: [approaching with his own mug] Tweek! Tweek: [shrieks] Hrrr! Richard: Calm down, son. Remember what Dr. Norris told you. Find your center. Tweek: My center. My... center. [closes his eyes and cups his chest] Calm [enters a state of meditation. Richard turns and leaves, his cup stays] Cup? [he finds himself sitting in the Lotus position by the side of a serene stream in a lovely meadow. All kinds of animals frolic around him, and a small Buddhist temple sits in the background] Cartman: [enormous face appearing over the clouds] Tweek! [brushes the clouds away with his hands] TWEEK!! [Tweek opens his eyes] TWEEK!! Tweek: [comes out of his meditation] Gaaaaah! Cartman: How many hats have you made? Tweek: Oh God! Cartman: We only have until 10 a.m. tomorrow! [slaps him hard across the back.] Get the lead out! Tweek: Aaaah! Oh God! [Cartman turns and walks out, a rattled Tweek resumes making the hats.] [South Park Elementary gymnasium, next day. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stand outside the doors waiting for Tweek, who rushes up to them with a box of hats. A poster behind them seems to have fallen off the wall] Tweek: You guys, we have a big problem! Stan: What? Tweek: I was up, all night, making hats. I only slept for an hour, ...and then I dreamt about making hats, but I only made fifteen! Kyle: Calm down, Tweek. Fifteen might be enough. Stan: Yeah, let's see if anyone has even shown up yet. [turns and opens the door, then peeks in. The place is packed. All the bleachers are filled, and there are five rows of people standing on the gym floor. He backs out, closes the door, and turns to his friends] Dude, there's like a thousand people in there! Tweek: A thousand? [freaks out] Oh Jesus man! I don't have nearly a thousand hats! Cartman: Then I'mo kick your ass, Tweek! Tweek: Goohoo! Kyle: [steps forward] Wait. It's okay. Look, maybe these people all turned out because they believe in saving films. Maybe they don't even care about the free hats. Crowd: [from inside the gym] Free hat! [Kyle turns right, then left, not believing what he's hearing. Tweek's jaw drops] Free hat! Free hat! Tweek: ["Free hat!"] Oh God! Cartman: ["Free hat! Free hat! Free hat! Free hat!"] I told you guys: never underestimate the power of a free hat. Crowd: Free hat! Free hat! Tweek: I gotta move away, you guys! Stan: Relax, Tweek, we're just gonna have to go in there and explain what happened. There are more important things right now than free hats. [The school gym, inside. The crowd jumps up and cheers as the four boys enter and climb onstage. Some of the signs they hold read "FREE HAT," "FREADOM FOR HAT NOW!," and "HAT DIDN'T DO IT"] Stan: [takes the mic] Okay, uh, we wanna thank you all for coming. We're really happy to see such enthusiasm for our cause. Crowd: Yeah! Yeah! Stan: Uh, one thing before I continue. Unfortuantely we don't have enough of the... free hats for everyone. [the cheering dies down and a voice pipes up] Skeeter: Eh- Excuse me? Cartman: [takes the mic] Yes, we apologize, but our friend Tweek here didn't make enough of them. Tweek: Oh! Jesus! Don't tell them it was me! Woman: [a blonde] We don't care about that. Tweek: You don't? Stan: You mean, you just came because you believe in our cause? Skeeter: Yeah. Free Hat. Tweek: What? Man: Hat McCollough. He was sent to prison in '82, and we believe he should be released! Man 2: Yeah! Crowd: Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Stan: Aaaah, ["Free Ha-"], okay apparently there's been a bit of a misunderstanding. This is a rally to save films from their directors? [the crowd stops moving] Man: To do what? Kyle: We believe that films are pieces of art that must be preserved from the perverse hands of their agent filmmakers.. Skeeter: Oh. Sorry. Um, come on, everyone, guess we're in the wrong place. [the crowd breaks up and exits] Crowd: Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Stan: Waitwaitwaitwait! [the crowd stops] Don't you see what's happening out there? The films you all grew up with, that touched YOUR lives and are part of YOUR soul are now being updated and changed. Join us and we CAN be a group that makes a difference! Skeeter: Can't we also work towards freeing Hat? Stan: Uh, sure, and we'll also try to free Hat. Some people: Oh yeeaahhh!! Raaaaah!! Woohoo!! Crowd: Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! [Stan's house, later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit at the dining room table, with Stan counting the sign-ups] Stan: ...212, 213, 214 members! Tweek: [barges in through the front door] You guys! You guys! Oh God! Um, I've got terrible news! Kyle: What? Tweek: Ted Koppel wants us to appear on Nightline to talk about our cause. Stan: Really? That's great. Kyle: Yah. Tweek: No it isn't, man! Thahat's waaay too much pressure! Stan: If we go on Nightline, the whole country can hear about what's happening to our classic films. Cartman: But just remember that I do all the talking. Kyle: You?? Why? Cartman: Because I'm the official spokesman. I got dibs on it. Stan: When did we do dibs for it? Cartman: Just now - [quickly, counting off with his left hand] 1 2 3 dibs! [punches his right palm with his left fist] Kyle: Me. Tweek: Ga-ahah! Kyle: Alright, fine! [points to Cartman] You're the spokesman, Cartman! But you'd better not screw it up! Cartman: What could possibly go wrong? [Nightline. Ted Koppel is at his desk with the four boys in the inset over his left shoulder] Ted Koppel: A new movement is sweeping the country, led by four determined boys from South Park, Colorado. The organization was created to protect Hollywood's classic films from the hands of their directors. And also to free Hat McCollough. So boys, I ask you the question that's on everyone's minds, why does your organization want to free Hat McCollough, the convicted, confessed serial m*rder of twenty-three babies? Cartman: [blinks and looks at the camera for a long time] ...I believe that can best be answered by our official spokesman, Tweek. [the camera moves from Cartman to Tweek] Tweek: Gaaarh! Ted Koppel: Well, Hat McCollough admitted he k*lled those toddlers? Why do you want him free? Tweek: ["TWEEK, ADVOCATE OF TODDLER m*rder" appears at the bottom of the screen] Oh, Jesus, man! ...N'ahah! Ted Koppel: Just answer me this, Tweek: What do you see as "positive" about toddler m*rder? Tweek: Ahah. U-uh. It's easy? Ted Koppel: [ponders the possibility] Yes... It is easy. [switches gears] Alright, then on to your other cause, saving films from their directors. What got you boys interested in this, especially given your pro-toddler-m*rder status? Kyle: We believe that films have to be taken away from people like Steven Spielberg and George Lucas because they're insane. Ted Koppel: Well I'm glad you said that, boys, because joining us now are Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. [they walk in and stand behind the boys. The boys look at them a bit awed] Tweek: Oh Christ! Wwwaaaaaaah! Steven Spielberg: [wearing a CSLB jacket and director's hat] Hello, Ted. George Lucas: [meekly] Oh hi, Ted. Ted Koppel: Gentlemen, these toddler-m*rder fans think you're insane and shouldn't be allowed to alter your films. Your response? Steven Spielberg: Well, first of all, both George and I are very firmly against the m*rder of toddlers. Geogre Lucas: You're here. Cartman: [to Stan] Dude, that's Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. [resumes gawking at the two] Tweek: Get me out of here! Please, somebody get me out of heeerre! Steven Spielberg: And as for altering our films, all we're doing is trying to reach a... new audience with our movies. As the makers of dreams, we like to speak ...for the children. Kyle: Ah, I thought we were speaking for the children. Cartman: Yeah, we're children. Stan: Uh-look, if the Beatles went back and updated their White Album every few years, what would we have now? Cartman: Yeah, these guys are only motivated by money, Ted. Ted Koppel: How so? Cartman: Think about it. Spielberg? Jew. Lucas? Jew. Kyle? Jew. Coincidence? George Lucas: I'm not a Jew! [crosses his arms in anger] Steven Spielberg: You little brat-! Ah, I mean, you darling children don't know what you're talking about. Changing E.T. was the best thing I ewver did. Kyle: Dude, don't you see that it's not? It'd be like, changing Raiders of the Lost Ark! Steven Spielberg: [a stroke of brilliance overcomes the two men for a few seconds] Wait a minute. What'd you say? George Lucas: Eh, that's brilliant! Steven Spielberg: Yes. Change Raiders of the Lost Ark! Why didn't we think of it before?! Kyle: [regretting the comparison] No. NOO!! [South Park Elementary School Gym, next day. "SAVE FILMS FROM THEIR DIRECTORS AND FREE HAT MEETING TODAY." The boys stand before the new club once again.] Stan: Members, this is our darkest hour. We've just learned that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg now intend to update and change Raiders of the Lost Ark. [the crowd begins to murmur] There's only one way we can stop this important and historical piece of art from being harmed. Mr. Secretary? [hands the mic to Cartman, who moves over to an easel] Cartman: Thank you. [turns a page up and over. A schematic of George Lucas's Skywalker Ranch is shown] Our intelligence tells us that the original negative to Raiders of the Lost Ark is currently somewhere in George Lucas's house. We need to find and usurp that negative. Man 3: And if we get a hold ot the negative they can't change the movie? Stan: That is our understanding. Woman: Sounds like a good idea to me. I don't want them to change Raiders of the Lost Ark. Crowd: YEAH! Skeeter: Yeah! We should go get that negative as soon as we get Hat free! Crowd: YEAH! [the signs go up] Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Kyle: [rusn to the mic] Nonono! We need to do this first. Woman: But we have to free Hat. Stan: It's just that, you know, he k*lled twenty-three babies. Man 4: Well yeah, but it was in self-defense! Crowd: YEAH! Cartman: He... k*lled... twenty-three babies in self-defense? Skeeter: Hat was att*cked maliciously and unprovoked by a g*ng of babies in West Town Park. When that many babies get together they can be like piranha. Man 5: Three eyewitnesses testified that if Hat hadn't k*lled those babies, they'd have k*lled him! Crowd: YEAH! [the signs go up] Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Stan: Alright alright. But right now we've gotta focus on getting those original prints of Raider Skeeter: He's right. We'd better split up. Some of you go with the boys and get those film prints, the rest of us come with me to go talk to the governor about freeing Hat. Crowd: YEAH! [the signs go up and the crowd moves out. Not one of them stays with the boys] Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Stan: Well, it looks like we're gonna have to do this ourselves. Tweek: No! Not this! I'm out! I can't deal with the stress you guys create! [walks off the stage] Kyle: We're just gonna fly to California and break into George Lucas's house. What's stressful about that? Tweek: Hwaaah! Cartman: [rushes up to stop Tweek] Okay, Tweek, let me tell you something: You've been our new friend now for two weeks, okay? And I've gotta be honest with you, it isn't going well. Tweek: Haaah! Cartman: People aren't that into you, Tweek. They find you kind of annoying. Now, I say you've got one last sh*t here, and I don't want you to blow it, okay? Does that help take the stress off? [Skywalker Ranch, night. Inside the camera gets a view of Lucas's library. Among the items there are various props from his Star Wars films, four Emmys, four Oscars... the door opens and a flashlight scans the room. Stan, holding the flashlight, walks in with the other boys] Stan: Okay, go. [the other boys, with their own flashlights, pour in] Tweek: [trying to stay composed, with eyes closed] I'm breaking into George Lucas's house. I'm not breaking into George Lucas's house. I'm in a green field. Cartman: [draws near] Stop, Tweek! This is not the time for f*g! [walks off] Kyle: [eyeing a prop] This looks like the right room. Tweek: I'm in a field... surrounded by deer. Stan: [finding the video library] Over here! [the other boys join him at the stacks. They see "Star Wars Episode 1, Version 300," "Star Wars Episode 1, Version 301," "Star Wars Episode 1, Version 302," etc., then "First Day of School" and "First Day of School, Digitally Enhanced," then "Wedding Video" and "Wedding Video, Digitally Enhanced." The camera scans past "Kids First Swimming Lesson" and "Kids First Swimming Lesson w/ Digitally Enhanced Weather" to stop at the reel of "Raiders of the Lost Ark, Original Negative 1982."] Kyle: That's it! Cartman: Alriiight! Get it, Tweek! Tweek: Huh uh. Cartman: Get it, you piece of crap, before I grab your nutsack and twist it! Tweek: Guh huh huh! [walks off and returns with a stool. He climbs up on it and gets the reel canister. The door opens behind the boys and the lights go on] George Lucas: What are you doing?! [the boys turn in horror] Tweek: Oh God! Oh Jesus! George Lucas: You're the boys from that ...stupid club. Give me that! [grabs the film reel from Tweek] Tweek: [hops off the stool] Aaaaaah! Kyle: Do with us what you will, Mr. Lucas! [goes down on his right knee] But please, don't change Raiders of the Lost Ark. George Lucas: We're gonna make it better. The movie's gonna be changed, and that's that! Cartman: Alright, you asked for it. I'm afraid you leave us no choice. It's time for Plan B. Stan: Aw, really? Tweek: Oh God, no! Not Plan B! [Lucas looks at the boys quzzically] Cartman: [b*at] You have a heart made of ice, Mr. Lucas, and so we're goin' tuh melt your icy heart... with a cool island song. Gentlemen? [the boys reach for the left side of their bodies and rip off their clothes. Underneath they wear colorful Latin outfits and grin.] George Lucas: [confused] ...What?? Cartman: h*t it, Tweek! [Tweek goes over to a boombox and presses the play button, then returns to the group. Caribbean music plays] In the tropical isle with the coconut tree, there's a lots of- Stan: Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song. Cartman: ...No, he has an icy heart. Kyle: ...But you can't melt ice with a cool song, 'tardheart. Stan: So we have to warm his icy heart with a "hot" island song Cartman: It's a cool island song. Kyle: Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song. Cartman: Oh, do we wanna do that? George Lucas: ALRIGHT, that does it! [Skywalker Ranch, day, Lucas's living room. The boys stand behind Lucas as he talks on the phone with someone] George Lucas: [listening] Yes, thank you, officer. [hangs up and walks around the boys] The police are on their way, boys. [stops and faces them] Soon you'll be in jail getting RAMMED! Tweek: [freaks out] Aaaahh! Stan: Those rams can do to us what they will, Mr. Lucas, but we'll never stop trying to protect films. [Lucas looks at them] Kyle: It's not too late to do what's right. Give us the print. There's still some good in you, Mr. Lucas. We know there is. [Lucas hangs his head in shame and turns away] George Lucas: It is... too late for me, boys. Kyle: You yourself led the campaign against the colorization of films. You understand why films shouldn't be changed. George Lucas: M-that's different. These are my movies. I made them, and I have the right to do whatever I want with them Stan: [steps forward] You're wrong, Mr. Lucas. They're not your movies. They're ours. All of ours. We paid to go see them, and they're just as much a part of our lives as they are of yours. Kyle: When an artist creates, whatever they create belongs to society George Lucas: Have I... become so old that I've forgetten what being an artist is about? Stan: Give the print to us so that we can protect it from Spielberg and anyone else who wants to alter it. George Lucas: [turns and approaches them] Perhaps... you are right. [presents the reel to Stan, but a door opens...] A Voice: STOP! [Lucas is startled and the camera pans to Steven Spielberg and three guards] What are you doing, George?! George Lucas: Steven, Uh, I- Steven Spielberg: Give me that print, George! We need to make the alterations! George Lucas: Steven, these boys had a point. I don't remember what it was, but it was good. Steven Spielberg: You haven't let these doe-eyed children affect your judgment, have you, George?! [voice lowers] Don't forget: you belong to me. Kyle: Don't listen to him! You still have a chance to preserve your film! [Lucas, stuck between the two arguments, stops and thinks...] George Lucas: I'm... ah I'm sorry, boys. [slowly walks to Spielberg and presents the reel. Spielberg snatches it away] Steven Spielberg: [cackles] Now take the children prisoner! [the guards approach and surround the boys] Kyle: What?? Steven Spielberg: You troublemakers shall be my guests of honor at the premiere of the NEW Raiders of the Lost Ark! Your gay little club is over! Stan: f*ck you, Steven Spielberg! Come on, you guys! [the boys turn and make their way to the door] Tweek: [runs] Oh my God they're gonna k*ll us. [the guards block the way, and the other three boys are stuck. Kyle tries to get around a guard, but...] Guard 1: [aims his walkie-talkie at him] Don't even think about it, kid! I'm not afraid to use this walkie-talkie! Guard 2: The one with the cocaine-problem escaped, mein Direktor. Steven Spielberg: Leave him!! Let him run back to his mommy! [strokes the reel canister] We must get the film ready for the premiere. [turns and walks off] Lucas! Come! [Lucas, shame-faced, turns and follows Spielberg out. The boys look at the guards] [A commercial] Announcer: ["COMING THIS SUMMER"]Coming, this summer! ["RE-RELEASE OF EPISODE 1 SOUTHPARK"] It's the digitally-enhanced re-release of the very first pilot episode of South Park! [scens from "Cartman Gets An a**l Probe" play - the cafeteria, the boys walking down the street, Stan, Kyle, and Wendy in the woods, Stan and Kyle at Stark's Pond...] Yes, the classic, rough, hand-made first episode is getting a make-over for 2002! [the visitors are shown, then new 3D versions are shown] The simple, funny aliens are now super-badass and kewl! [the mothership is shown beaming Cartman up, then a much more intricate version is shown] Flying saucer? No longer cheap construction paper, but a 4.0 megapixel constructed through a masterpiece of technology! Everything's new! New is better! Trey Parker: [bearded] When we first made South Park, we didn't wanna use construction paper. We just had to because it was cheap. Matt Stone: And now with new technology we can finally remaster South Park, make it look sharp, clean and focused. Trey Parker: Expensive. [Both men nod their heads] Announcer: [The flames coming from Cartman's ass are replaced with a 3D version, and cars and people are added to the scene] Yes, all the charm of a simple little cartoon [a model of the new ship is rotated to a new position] will melt before your eyes as it is replaced by newer and more standardized animation! Trey Parker: [a sh*t of him, then of the bus stop with the boys waiting for the bus. New creatures enter the scene] For instance, in the scene at the bus stop, we always meant to have Imperial walkers and giant dewback lizards in the background, but simply couldn't afford it. Announcer: [A special-edition DVD of CGAAP "new version for 2002" is shown. "ACT NOW" blinks on the screen over the DVD]Get this special enhanced version quick, because another enhanced version will likely be coming out for 2003! [School Gym, sometime later. "URGENT" in white has been scrawled over the sign next to the door. Tweek stands onstage inside, facing the gathered club] Tweek: Members, uuhh, oh Jesus, uh, we have to do something! Our club president [Stan], treasurer [Kyle], and secretary [Cartman] have all been taken hostage be Steven Spielberg! Haaa! Man 3: Prisoner? You mean, like Hat? Tweek: [grits his teeth, shuts his eyes and bows his head in frustration] Yes, just like hat!! Skeeter: But the governor won't pardon Hat. So how can we get him out of prison? [the other members grumble] Tweek: No! Listen to me! We're not talking about Hat right now, okay?! Gad!! Look, we went to George Lucas's house a-and tried to melt his icy heart with a warm island song, but then Spielberg showed up and took three of our members prisoner! They're goin' to premiere their new Raiders of the Lost Ark, and we have to rescue them! Do you understand?! Woman: Hey, he's got a point there. Man 6: [a rancher] Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's icy heart with a cool island song! Members: [scattered reaction] Yeah. Tweek: No! Skeeter: No? Man 7: No! He's right. We have to freeze his hot heart with a cool island song. Woman: Or is ti freshen his hot temper with a cool island song? Man 8: Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song. Man 9: That's it! Man 10: Let's go! Come on! [the members rally and take off] Tweek: Oh God. I'm gonna have to do this myself. Oh God! [Excess Hollywood. Raiders of the Lost Ark is featured.] Pat O'Brien: Well, the print is finished and the day has come. Tonight, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas [shown] will be at the premiere of the new special edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized technology. [A desert. Spielberg leads a group of people to the site of the premiere. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are among the guests, but their hands are tied behind their backs. Four people follow carrying a large box from two long poles. The box reads "FINAL PRINT RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK 2002" The three guards are there with Spielberg and Lucas, and Francis Ford Coppola has joined the lead pack. The camera follows the group, but slowly pulls back until Tweek appears with a bazooka on his shoulder] Tweek: Hello! Steven Spielberg: [moves forward and takes a hard look at the figure on the hill] The kid? The tweaked out kid?! Tweek: I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg! [the other boys try to sneak away, but the guards are around them quickly] Steven Spielberg: Your pesistence surprises even me. [begins to fan himself with his hat] Francis Ford Coppola: [steps forward] Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere. Tweek: [fixes his aim on his target] That depends on how reasonable we're all willing to be. All I want are my friends. Cartman: Wow. Tweek: Except for Cartman - you can keep him. Cartman: AY! Francis Ford Coppola: And if we refuse? Tweek: Then your premiere has no movie! Stan: He's definitely lost it Kyle: Yup. Steven Spielberg: [moves around to clear the area] Okay, okay. Stan- stand back, stand ba- stand back! Back! [people move away] Okay kid, you win. [puts on his hat] Blow it up. [some guards try to get the box, but Spielberg takes a walkie-talkie and forces them back] Zuroch! Zuroch! [turns and faces Tweek] Blow it back to God. [Tweek trembles, but his aim doesn't waver] All your life has been the pursuit of seeing a great film! This new version of Raiders has digital effects beyond your wildest dreams! You want to see it screened just as much as I. [Tweek grunts, showing he may be breaking] Kyle: Come on, Tweek! Blow it up! Steven Spielberg: [turns, walks to the box, and stands next to it] Son, we are simply passing through history. This... is imPROVED history. [Tweek stalls. The boys wait for Tweek's next move] Do as you will. [backs away, leaving the box clear. Tweek struggles, but lowers the launcher. Three guards appear behind him] [The governor's office, day. The governor is at his desk, bored. The Free Hat club members break out in song] Members: In the tropical isle with the coconut tree, the air is fresh and the people are free. Man 5: But here in the mountain there's no freedom like that. Skeeter: There's a man in prison and his name is Hat. [the governor looks up a bit surprised] [A sign saying "RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK Premiere Tonight" has alternating blinking lights. The camera moves off the sign and onto the makeshift open-air theater. Two men bring forth the Ark of the Covenant, which was in the box. The men move off. The audience is seen, with the four boys in the very back. Stan and Kyle are tied to one post, Tweek and Cartman to the other. Spielberg, dressed as a High Priest, approaches the Ark] Steven Spielberg: [moving his arms over the Ark] Hafaa malifi! Thanks for coming, everyone. [the two men return, remove the lid, and walk off with it. A third man reaches inside the Ark and pulls out the "RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK NEW AND IMPROVED 2002" reel] This is the birth of the NEW version of Raiders of the Lost Ark! We shall screen it here, and then destroy all the old prints in celebration! Audience: Hooray! All right! Steven Spielberg: Begin the film! [a man loads the film and plays it. On screen, three men appear and approach a mountain] Audience: [impressed] Whoa. Stan: [pleading] You guys, close your eyes. Don't look at it. Tweek: Ah, what?! Stan: [pleading] Don't watch the movie, you guys. It'll be terrible. Close your eyes! [the boys quickly turn away, shut their eyes, and bow their heads] Audience: [impressed] Whoa. Ahhh. Steven Spielberg: It's beyooootiful. [a scene of Indiana Jones using a whip to swing across a chasm. Flaming arrows sh**t past him. As he lands on theother side, natives approach.They look and chatter like Ewoks] Viewer 1: Wait a minute. This version is awful! Viewer 2: Yeah! They ruined it! Viewer 3: Oh my God, it's terrible! [George Lucas is suddenly frightened stiff. Coppola is also frightened. The boys keep their eyes closed and away from the screen] George Lucas: AaaaAAAAA!! [the three men huddle, frightened as they are. On screen, Indy is reaching for a golden item. Rays of light alight from the screen and move out over the audience, sh**ting through the viewers' chests and k*lling them. Coppola, Lucas, and Spielberg are overwhelmed with the energy from the rays. The men become disfigured, then their faces melt away. Spielberg's head explodes. The rays diffuse, then gather back into the Ark. The spirits of all k*lled are gathered into the Ark as well. The lid lands on the Ark perfectly with a final roll of thunder. A few second laters, when all is quiet, Stan raises his head and looks around] Stan: Yuh, you guys okay. [the others open their eyes. The ropes that bound them are gone] Kyle: Yeah. I I think so. Cartman: Man, that new version must have sucked balls. [South Park, day. A celebration is taking place at South Park Square. An orchestra performs below the stage. The boys are onstage watching it all. A man, a mayor's aide, walks up to the mic] Aide: Today is a day of celebration, and we owe it all to these four brave young boys. [The four boys grin] Townsman: Yeah! Alright! Aide: And thanks to the bravery of this young man in particular, [Tweek smiles proudly] ...Hat McCollough is finally free from prison! [the smiles fade from the boys' faces] Townsfolk: Yeah! Woohoohoo! Kyle: ...What? [a thin balding man with creepy appearance walks onstage and waves to everyone] Townsfolk: Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat McCollough: Thank you everyone-k*ll! k*ll THE INNOCENT!! Uh, I'm so thankful for all your support-r*pe THE VIRGINS!! And uh, I just wonder if i could get a baby real quick? [grins in a creepy way. The crowd falls silent for a moment] Skeeter: Sure. Give that man a baby! Townsfolk: Yeah! Woohoohoo! [the aide comes onstage holding a baby in his arms. Hat looks at the baby sinisterly. The baby senses this and quickly crawls up the aide's arm and onto his shoulder] Stan: Come on, you guys. Let's get out of here. [the boys turn and walk off. Tweek can't help but look at the baby's fate] Tweek: Oh my God! [South Park, day. The boys walk away from the celebration and down the street.] Kyle: Do you think we did a good thing, Stan? [the boys stop] I mean, no one even seemed to notice. Stan: Yeah well, sometimes the things we do don't matter right now. Sometimes they matter... later. We have to care more about later sometimes, you know? I think that's what separates us from the Steven Spielbergs and George Lucases of the world. Cartman: That and youth. Those guys are old. Tweek: But what about the original prints of Raiders of the Lost Ark? What if somebody else takes them and tries to change them? Stan: Don't worry, Tweek. It's somewhere safe. Somewhere where... nobody will ever find it. [A secret warehouse. Someone packs all the original prints of Raiders of the Lost Ark into a large box. He nails the box shut and adds a lock. He puts the box on a dolly and carts it off down a long corridor. On each side are other boxes and crates of stuff put there so as not to cause any more harm to anyone. Among the stuff in the warehouse - RED CROSS 9/!! Relief Funds. Dramatic music plays the episode out. End of Free Hat]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x09 - Free Hat"}

foreverdreaming

[Cartman's house, morning. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek show up. Stan rings the doorbell. Liane comes to the door] Liane: Oh, hello boys. Stan: Hi. Uh, the school called and said we all have to start going to class again. Liane: Oh, but I thought your teacher died. Kyle: She did, but now they're saying we have to start going back to school anyways. It's totally gay. Liane: Oh. Well, I'll tell Eric. He's just down in the basement playing with his dolls. [turns and walks off] Tweek: Cartman likes to play with dolls? [Cartman's basement. He's playing with a rubber lamb at the edge of a hole in the basement.] Cartman: [strokes the lamb and sets it aside] Hello, Precious. Yes, that's a good Precious. [grabs a basket with a bottle of lotion sitting inside and lowers it down a hole in the basement. The basket stops when it reaches Polly Prissy Pants, which sits at the bottom of the hole] Now it takes the lotion from the basket. Polly Prissy Pants: [Cartman voicing] Oh please, mister. Please let me out of here. Cartman: It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Poodle: [Cartman voicing] Bark bark bark bark! Cartman: Yes, that's a good Precious. Okay, now it puts the lotion back in the basket. Polly Prissy Pants: Please, mister, let me out. Cartman: It puts the lotion back in the basket! Polly Prissy Pants: I miss my Mom, mister. I wanna see my Mommy- Cartman: [throws a fit] Put the lotion in the f*ck' basket! Liane: Sweetie. Cartman: Yes Mom? Liane: You have to get ready for school Cartman: [thinks a bit, then looks up] ...No, our teacher's d*ad. Remember? Liane: Yes, but they said two weeks off was enough, and they want everyone back. Cartman: [pause] Two weeks isn't enough. I'm not over our teacher's tragic death. I'm still sh-shooken up. Liane: You'll get over it, honey. Cartman: [starts to throw another fit] But I wanna plaaayyy. [South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade. The kids pour into the classroom, chattering. Wendy walks up and starts talking to Red and Jordan] Wendy: I can't believe it's been two weeks since I've seen you guys. What have you been doing? [Bebe walks in] Bebe: Hey guys. Wendy: Hey Bebe. Bebe: You guys uh, [holds out her arms] notice anything different? [looks down at her body] Wendy: [the three girls gaze] Oh my God, Bebe. You got boobs. Bebe: Yeah, they started coming in last week. At first I thought they were just mosquito bites, but, then they didn't go away. Mr. Mackey: [enters the classroom and walks past the girls] M'kay kids, let's take our seats, m'kay? [the girls take their seats] I know this has been a difficult couple o'weeks for you all with the untimely death of your teacher, but it's time for us to try to move on and learn, m'kay? Cartman: Mr. Mackey, I don't think I'm over the teacher's tragic death yet. I need more time. It's just... it still hurts, you know? Can I go home? Mr. Mackey: No. Eric, what we're gonna do is learn to hide our emotions with math problems. [turns, grabs some chalk, and starts writing on the board] M'kay, so let's start with some multiplication tables over here, m'kay. First we'll do uh, four time four, m'kay? Kyle: Dude, look at Bebe. ["We'll move into the five times thing" Bebe is busy taking notes. "We'll try five time three..."] Something seems different about her. Stan: Yeah, I noticed that too. Did she get a haircut or something? Kyle: I don't know. [Bebe continues writing] Clyde: Hey Token. You know, I never noticed before, but that girl Bebe is... kinda cool. Token: I was just thinking the same thing. It's like, she's a girl, but, she's someone you could hang out with. Butters: [pipes up behind Jordan] Yeah. Bebe is kinda cool, huh? [Bebe continues writing] Cartman: Hey Craig, is that the same shirt that that Bebe chick always wears? Craig: I don't know. Why? Cartman: It just... it just seems like a really awesome shirt. Craig: Yeah. It kinda does. [Bebe continues writing, but stops and looks to her right. All the boys are looking at her, all the girls look at the board.] Mr. Mackey: Okay, and so uh, [Bebe is looking back, wondering why the boys keep staring at her] so who can tell me the answer to the first problem, six times eight? Uh, Bebe? Bebe:: [breaks the stare and answers] Oh, uh, forty-eight? All the boys: Whoa. Clyde: That is an awesome answer! All the boys: Yeah! Kyle: Dude! Bebe is really smart! Stan: Yeah. I never noticed that before. Maybe she's actually cool enough to hang out with us. Cartman: Yeah, may be. [South Park Elementary, later. Three girls walk to class: Wendy, Bebe, and Red. Wendy is talking] Wendy: ...And I was like, "I'm not buying those shoes for twenty dollars." [the girls stop and giggle] Stan: [arriving with a group of boys: Kyle, Cartman, Token, Butters, Tweek, and Clyde] Ah, hey, Bebe. Bebe: Yeah? Stan: Uh, we're gonna throw rocks at cars later on, and we thought maybe you'd like to join us. Bebe: Really? [Wendy and Red look at her] I've never done that before. Butters: [Stan and Kyle part a bit for a better view] Wuuhh, it's really fun.You toss these little rocks at cars, and if the driver gets angry, you blame me. Kyle: Yeah, it's cool. Bebe: Why sure, that sounds hellafun. The boys: Hahahahahaha... Kyle: Yeah. Stan: Hellafun Cartman: Right, heh. Clyde: Wow, hellafun. That's awesome. Token: I'm gonna start saying that now. Stan: Cool. [the boys turn as one and walk back the way the came] We'll see you later, Bebe. Wendy: [Wendy catches up to Stan. The boys are grinning. Stan stops and looks] Stan, you've never asked me to throw rocks at cars with you guys. Stan: That's different, dude. You're like, my girlfriend. Bebe's just... I don't know. She's just cool. [turns and walks off] Kyle: [looks over his shoulder] Yeah. She's really cool. [Wendy gets upset] Clyde: It's weird how we never noticed before. [Wendy looks back at Bebe, who just shrugs] [A hill just outside of town. The boys and Bebe are gathered at the summit] Stan: So what you do, see, is wait for a car to drive by that big pine tree. Then you chuck a rock at it. It's all about the timing. [he throws a rock towards the road and the others look at the trajectory. A blue pick-up truck drives by and is h*t.] Driver: You damn kids! Bebe: Cool. Clyde: You try it, Bebe. Bebe: Okay. Token: Here comes a sedan. [Bebe throws a rock at the red sedan and hits it] Driver: You damn kids! The boys: Awesome! Butters: Cool! [close up] That was the most perfect throw I've ever seen. Kyle: That was sweet, Bebe. [shows her another rock and another grip] Now, if you just hold the rock like this, you- Clyde: Yeah. [grabs a hold of the rock and pulls it a bit] Here, it's like if you put your thumb on this side- Kyle: [pulls back] I'm showing her. Clyde: [pulls back] Yeah, just let me show her real quick how to put the thumb and- Kyle: [gives an ape look and smacks Clyde, who lets go of the rock] Hoh! Clyde: [grunts back and moves off] Hoh hoh hoh! [Bebe is stunned at this development] Kyle: Hoh! [watches, then reverts to normal and talks to Bebe. Stan moves in] Anyways, you put a spin on it by holding it here and- Stan: [grabs the rock and demonstrates] Yeah, and then you can actually hold it like this. Now- Kyle: [peeved] Hoh! Hoh hoh hoh hoh! [Bebe backs up, scared] Stan: Hoh hoh hoh! Kyle: Hah hah hah! Craig: [beats his chest] Urh urh urh! [all the boys start grunting and displaying agression] Bebe: Uh. Listen guys, un, It's five-thirty. I'm supposed to get home, so... I'll see you later. [leaves. The boys continue grunting and putting on displays. She walks faster the farther she moves from the boys. The boys notice her absence and stop] Stan: [b*at] ...Wait, what were we doing again? Kyle: We were throwing rocks at cars. The boys: Oh yeah. Cartman: Woohoo. Butters: [points] Uh here comes an SUV. [Token throws a rock and hits the SUV] Driver: You damn kids! [South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are in their seats. Bebe is the last kid to enter class and find a seat] The boys: Hi, Bebe. Bebe: Hey everybody. Wendy: [rolls her eyes and rest her head on her right hand] Oh, for Christ's sake! Mr. Mackey: [arriving, puts his textbooks on the teacher's desk] M'kay. Kids, I asked you to write a paper to read aloud for the class. Now, who want to start? [no one volunteers] M'kay, class. Clyde: [picks up his paper and starts] My paper is called, "Why Bebe is the coolest person, ever." Stan: Hey, that's what I wrote about! Butters: Me too! Clyde: [grunts] Hoh! Stan: [grunts and pounds his desk] Hah hah, hah! [the other boys start grunting like apes.] Uuuuh-okay. Go ahead, Clyde. Clyde: [glowers at Stan, then reads] "My friend Bebe is really smart. She tells funny jokes and knows a lot about stuff. She's good at almost everything she tries. She's awesome. The end." [some applause] Mr. Mackey: M'kay, very nice, Clyde. Uh, Token, why don't you read your paper? Token: [picks up his paper and reads] "If I could be Bebe." [Wendy is miffed and rolls her eyes] "If I was Bebe I would have lots of friends because I would be sooo great. I would make people smile and think wherever I went." Mr. Mackey: [takes a moment to think, then] M'kay, interesting, Token, Uh... Who would like to go next? [the rest of the boys raise their hands energetically and make small sounds to get Mackey's attention] Uh how about someone who didn't write about how cool Bebe is? The boys: [softly] Oh. [they lower their hands. Bebe raises hers] Mr. Mackey: M'kay, Bebe? Bebe: [picks up her paper and reads] "My cat Thumper." The boys: Wwooww. Bebe: [sees the reaction and continues reading] "Thumper is gray with a white spot. Sometimes he likes to chase his tail. [the boys break out in laughter] Clyde: Chase his tail? That must be so funny? Bebe: "Thumper is twelve years old. That's pretty old for a cat. The end." The boys: Wwooww! Cartman: God, you know what, that's so true? Because, you sometimes never really think about how old a pet is until it's gone. Craig: That's true, huh? Man, that makes me really reflect on my pet. Stan: That's such a great paper! [starts clapping. The other boys join in the applause] Mr. Mackey: M'kay. Wendy, why don't we hear your paper? Wendy: [picks up her paper and reads] "The new Cold w*r" Cartman: Oh God! Here we go again! Dork alert! [the boys crack up] [South Park Elementary cafeteria. Wendy is talking to Red and two other girls] Wendy: But, then the mall closes at four or five o'clock, so who knows w- Clyde: [arrives with Kyle, Token, Craig, and two other boys] Have any of you dumb girls seen Bebe anywhere? Wendy: [angrily] No! Kyle: Maybe she's in the lunch line. The boys: Yeah. Wendy: Can you believe Bebe? She thinks she's so cool all of a sudden. Girl 1: I can't stand her anymore! She's such a slut! Girl 2: She's a total slut! Red: You know what I heard? I heard that she made out with eight different boys in one minute. Girl 1: I heard that she lifted her shirt to the boys at the bus stop. Wendy: I heard that her assh*le is this big around. [makes a hole with her hands, thumb touching thumb, the other fingers touching their counterparts on the other hand] Girls 1 and 2: Wwooww. Bebe: [comes into view] Hey guys. Wendy: Oh, hey Bebe. [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. [again] Slut. Girl 1: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. Girl 2: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. Girl 1: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. Bebe: ...You guys still wanna go ice-skating after school? Wendy: Oh, no, that's okay Bebe. You might trip and then we'd be sucked into your huge gaping vagina like ants into a vacuum cleaner. [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. [again] Slut. Girl 1: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. Girl 2: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. Red: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. Wendy: Slut. Girl 1: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. [the girls take their trays and leave, giggling] Girls: [out of view] Whore. Slut. Slut. [Bebe's house, after school. She's looking out over the neighborhood from her bedroom window. Her mother stops by her door and looks in] Bebe's Mom: Bebe, is something the matter? Bebe: [turns and faces her mom] Oh Mom, it's just... My girlfriends at school said some really mean things to me today. [faces the window again and rests her head on her right hand] They called me a slut, with a huge gaping vagina. Bebe's Mom: [approaches] Oh, sweetie. You're all just growing up. [begins to stroke Bebe's hair] Part of being a woman is having a friend one day and calling her a slut the next. Bebe: But am I slutty just because I'm beginning to be friends with guys? I mean, they just like me because they think I'm smart and cool. Bebe: I remember when I was a little girl the boys didn't think I was very smart at all. But then one day, they all started thinking I was really smart. I guess big smarts just run in our family. Bebe: Well if the girls don't wanna be my friend, that's fine! [rests her head on her hands] Guys are way cooler, anyways. [King Jimmy's Buffet, night. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit at a booth eating hamburgers and some side dishes] Tweek: [arrives] You... guys wanted me to meet you here? Cartman: Yeah, have a seat, Tweek. We all need to have a talk Tweek: [sits next to Cartman] Oh God. Cartman: [offers Tweek his plate] Alright guys, now that we're all here, I think... we need to have a difficult conversation. It's obvious that Bebe is the like the coolest, smartest, most awesome person we've ever met. Stan, Kyle: True. Stan: Yeah. Kyle: Yep. Cartman: And, you know, we've been trying to fill the gap for the fourth friend ever since Kenny died, God rest his soul, and it hasn't been an easy process. Kyle: Right. Stan: Uh huh. Cartman: And so, even though I think it's a tough thing to do right now, I think maybe it's best for everyone if we make room to allow Bebe to be our new fourth friend. Kyle: Yeah. Stan: That would be best. Cartman: Well, I'm glad you guys all agree. And so, Kyle, I just wanna say that it's been really great, and we're gonna miss you. Kyle: Huh?? Stan: Kyle?? Cartman: And even though it didn't quite work out, I'm sure you'll find other friends down the road, Kyle. Here's a nice watch for you, and some peanuts. [presents the watch and peanuts] Kyle: Me?? Dude, I've been here since the beginning! Cartman: And we're really sad to see you go. Let's give a big round of applause for Kyle, everybody. Hip hip. Stan: Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out! Cartman: Pleeeeease??? Stan: No! Cartman: [removes the watch and peanuts] Alright, fine! Well then, I guess we have no choice but to let you go, Tweek. But we want you to know that its been really fun. Here's a watch, and some peanuts. [presents the watch and peanuts again] Kyle: No way! Tweek's cool! Stan: Yeah! Cartman: Well dumbasses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe!? [Bus stop, next day. The answer is shown. Bebe stands between Kyle and Tweek, and Cartman is not present.] Bebe: Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus to school with you guys. Stan: Sure thing, Bebe. Cartman: [arrives] That's fine! That's fine!! f*ck you, Kyle, and f*ck you, Stan! [leaves, then returns] f*ck you, Tweek! [leaves, then returns] Bebe, you're still cool. [leaves again] [South Park Elementary, hallway. Some boys - Clyde, Butters, Token, Craig, and Pip - are putting up a large poster that reads "Bebe for President" next to the counselor's office. Wendy passes by and stops to look] Wendy: What are you doing?! Clyde: We're tryin' to get Bebe to run for class president. Wendy: I'm class president! The vote was last fall! Craig: Well, yeah, but Wendy, you have to admit, Bebe's a lot smarter and more organized than you. Token: [gushing] Yeah. We need a leader like Bebe. She can teach us all so much. The Other Boys: Uh huh. Wendy: She's not smarter and cooler than everyone, you guys are just drawn to something else! [the boys just look at her] Clyde: What? Wendy: Ugh! God, you guys are sooo stupid! [walks away in a funk] Butters: [puts his fists on his hips] Stupider than Bebe! Clyde: Yeah! Craig: Yeah! Butters: Huh Bebe's cool, huh. Huh, fellas? Clyde: Yeah! Butters: Yeah! Craig: Sure is! Butters: Uhyep. [The neighborhood, after school. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek walk towards Bebe's house] Kyle: I can't wait to watch Terrance & Phillip with Bebe. Stan: Yeah. [they arrive, but find four other boys arriving at the same time: Timmy, Kevin, and two others] Where are you guys going? Boy 1: We're going to see our friend Bebe. Stan: Bebe is our friend. Didn't you all get the memo? Boy 2: Bebe is everybody's friend. Kevin: Yeah. God put Bebe on earth to enrich everyone's lives. Stan: [steps forward and grunts] Hoh! Kyle: [steps forward and grunts] Hoh hoh hoh! Kevin: Arf arf! Boy 2: Arf! [a few more grunts are heard] Timmy: Arf! Ah Timmah! Timmah-ar-argh! Stan: Aw alright, I guess we can all watch Terrance & Phillip together. [goes and knocks on the door] Bebe's Mom: Oh, hello, boys. Stan: Is Bebe home? Bebe's Mom: No, she's with one of her little friends. But she should be back shortly if you boys wanna wait. Boy 1: Who is she with? Bebe's Mom: I believe she is playing "Lambs" over at Eric Cartman's house. Stan: Cartman's? [Cartman's basement. He's at his hole again, and Bebe is sitting next to him. He has his basket, lotion, and rubber poodle ready to go] Cartman: [holds up the poodle] And this is Precious. Bebe: Precious? Cartman: [squeezes the poodle] Bark bark bark. [sets the poodle aside] Okay, so then we put my mom's hand lotion in this little basket [puts the lotion in the basket] and lower it down to Polly Prissy Pants. [the basket descends] Bebe: [watches the basket drop] Uh huh. [the basket stops once again in front of Polly Prissy Pants] Cartman: Now you say, "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again." Bebe: It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Cartman: Heheh, yeah. Polly Prissy Pants: Mister, please let me out of here. Cartman: Now say it again, louder. Bebe: [louder] It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Cartman: Good. Now, now put the lotion back in the basket! Polly Prissy Pants: My parents have money, Mister. They'll give you whatever you want. Please! Cartman: Now, just yell "Put the lotion in the f*cking basket!" Bebe: Put the lotion in the basket! Cartman: Put the lotion in the f*cking basket! [pushes the rubber poodle into the hole] Oh no! Precious! [does Polly's voice] I've got your dog, Mister. Let me out or I'm gonna k*ll it! [a door is heard opening and Kyle goes down the steps, followed by Stan, Kevin, Craig, Clyde, Butters, Boy 2, Tweek, Boy 1, Token, Pip, and Timmy] Now you say, "Don't you hurt my f*ck' dog!" Bebe: Don't you hurt my f*cking dog! Cartman: You bitch, I'll cut your throat if- [stops when he hears Timmy's wheelchair and looks around] Kyle: What the hell are you doing? Cartman: We're playing "Lambs." Kyle: [moves over to Bebe] Bebe, I thought we were going to watch Terrance & Phillip today. Butters: [moves forward] Then we gotta work on your campaign. Boy 2: [moves forward] Right, but first we gotta go to the- Stan: [jumps in front of Boy 2] Hoh! [the other boys begin to grunt and face each other] Bebe: You guys, calm down! [Token tackles Boy 1, Craig att*cks Butters, Cartman punches Boy 2, Kyle att*cks Kevin, Pip beats on Tweek, Boy 1 chases after Token, Boy 2 tosses Cartman over his head. Stan goes after Pip, but Pip att*cks first. Clyde goes after Tweek and sends him flying across the basement. Token brings out a SuperBESTFriends lunchbox and throws it at Clyde. Clyde jumps out of the way and the lunchbox hits Timmy] Timmy: Timmih! [Clyde att*cks Token, but Token punches him away, then jumps on him. Timmy runs over both of them. Token jumps up and goes after Boy 1 again. Pip and Tweek fight again, and Stan comes flying in, taking Pip] Bebe: This is insane! [Cartman picks Tweek up and throws him off. Boy 2 comes flying at Bebe, back first. Bebe steps aside, and Boy 2 strikes the wall] Bebe: Stop it you guys, please! [The map behind Bebe falls to the floor. Stan gets up, and Pip flies at him. Cartman and Boy 1 fight again. Kyle swings in from above on a hanging overhead light, landing on Cartman's back as Cartman fight Tweek. Tweek drops away, and Cartman has to wrestle Kyle. Boy 1 throws Token into a fossil display case, and a femur falls out. Stan walks up and looks at Token, then sees the femur. He picks it up and sees victory at hand. He starts beating everyone with the bone. He hits Clyde twice with it, and Clyde goes down. He then knocks out Kevin, then Cartman, then Kyle, then goes after the other boys] Bebe: Oh boy, I never meant to cause all this trouble. Stan: [atop a pile of boys] Hoh, hoh, hohhh! Hohhh! [he's knocked them all out and tossed them into a mound] [Bebe's house, day. She's at her window again, looking at the neighborhood. The boys are all over her front lawn milling around] Bebe's Mom: Bebe, those boys from your school are still waiting outside to see if you'll come out. Bebe: I know. They've been there all day. [Outside, Token meses with a trash can. Cartman notices and walks over, pushing the trash can down. Stan plays with a rock on the steps. Craig inches his way towards Stan, who watches him from time to time] Stan: Hoh, hoh hoh hoh! Craig: Hah hah hahah hah! [the other boys turn and start grunting. Stan chases Craig away from the steps, then returns to sitting there.] Stan: Hoh hoh hoh! [picks up his rock and plays with it] Hohohoh hoh! Bebe's Mom: Looks like my little girl has a lot of gentlemen callers. Bebe: Mom, why is everyone acting so different around me? Bebe's Mom: Sweetie, you're just blossoming into a woman. Bebe: But, I, I don't know if I want to. Sometimes I think I'm not as smart and cool as they say, that everyone just tells me I am because of my hooters. Bebe's Mom: Sweetie, you're a Stevens. And Stevens women are always told they're really, really smart. [gives her a hug and then leaves] Bebe: Mom? [her mom stops and turns around] What's six times eight? Mrs. Stevens: Oho, sweetie, those are two completely different numbers. [satisfied, she turns around and walks out and downstairs. She opens the front door and the boys back away grunting] Alright boys, time to be getting home. Bebe's not feeling well and she she can't come out today. Go one, shoo. [the boys walk away slowly, grunting in disappointment. A whistling sound is heard and a space shuttle crashes into a field across the street. The boys stop at the sight.] Stan: Hoh. Hoh? Astronaut 1: Aah. We made it. Astronaut 2: Boys, can you call 9-1-1 for us? [the boys start to grunt again. Stan backs up into the crowd of boys] Astronaut 1: Oh my God. We've landed on Earth thousands of years in the future and apes have taken over! Astronaut 2: I knew it! You blew it up, didn't you?! Astronaut 1: I don't want to live in this futuristic madness! [pulls out a g*n, sh**t himself in the head, and falls down d*ad.] Astronaut 2: Take your ape rule and go to hell! [pulls out a g*n, sh**t himself in the head, and falls down d*ad.] Bebe: [sighs] Having boobs sucks. [Hell's Pass Hospital, later. A man walks in and goes to his desk] A Doctor: Well hello there, little girl. My name is Dr. Hallis. What can I do for you today? [sits at his desk] Bebe: I wanna have breast-reduction surgery. [the doctor leans forwards and visually inspects Bebe's chest] Dr. Hallis: You? Bebe: Yes. I have two hundred and twelve dollars in nickels and a gold bracelet. Dr. Hallis: Well, young lady, I'm afraid that we don't offer breast reduction surgery to girls of your age. Bebe: Why not? Britney Spears got fake ones when she was a teenager. Why can't I have mine taken off? Dr. Hallis: Because making breasts larger is a beautiful and wonderful thing. Making them smaller is... insane. Bebe: I think it's insane to want them bigger. Dr. Hallis: Why do you... hate your breasts so? Bebe: Ever since I got these stupid things everyone treats me differently. I feel like I might be treated differently the rest of my life. Dr. Hallis: Oh, come on now, that's just silly. Blonde Nurse: [nice shape, walks in with a folder] Here's the Anderson file, Doctor. Dr. Hallis: [looks up, looks down and grins, then looks up again] Oh, awesome. Thank you so much, Jillian. That's great. Oh, God-damn. Thanks you so much. [The nurse walks out. Bebe lowers her eyelids halfway] Brunette Nurse: [not as nicely shaped, walks in with a cup and plate] And here's the coffee you wanted, doctor. Dr. Hallis: [quickly, subdued, looks askance] Yeah, whatever. Get out of here. [the nurse walks out, and he addresses Bebe again] Now, I was saying? Bebe: Please, you have to help me. I think that if my breasts keep growing this way, boys will give me whatever I want. Dr. Hallis: Yeah, so? That's great, isn't it? Bebe: No it's not, because if I grow up getting everything I want, having things made easy for me because I have hot knockers, then I'm gonna grow up to be a lame person. If I'm handed everything in life, then my chances of becoming a lawyer or a marine biologist are zero. Dr. Hallis: That may be true, but I'm afraid I just cannot ethically perform a breast-reduction surgery on an eight-year-old girl. Bebe: Damnit! Dr. Hallis: If, on the other hand, you'd like to make them a little bigger, I think now might be the right time to size up, hm? Bebe: Oh, f*ck off! [walks off in disgust] [Stan's house, day. In the dining room Randy reads the paper. Sharon enters.] Sharon: Randy, could you have a talk with Stanley? Randy: Why? What's the matter with him? Sharon: It's just that, well, he's been acting a little different lately. [Randy looks. In the living room Stan has taken out his crayons and drawn some figures on the wall] Stan: [disheveled, in his primal state] Aaaa-ta. [starts drawing another boob. The wall is covered with them, singly or in pairs. One stick-figure woman has a large pair] Aaaa-ta. Sharon: He's been ignoring his homework, and, all of his friends. I can't figure out why. Stan: [picks up a stick and moves it around] Aaaa-ta. Aaaa-ta. Randy: Ohhh boy. Looks like he's starting to notice breasts. Sharon: [relieved and proud] Oh yes. Our little Stanley is starting to become a man. [Randy leaves his seat at the table and approaches Stan] Stan: [points to the wall with his stick] Ahta. Ah, ahta! Randy: Hey there, son. Stan: [turns to face his father] Hoh? Ahta. [points to the wall] Ahta. Randy: Yes, ahta. Let's have a talk, Stan. Stan: Ahah Randy: Stan, as you get older, boobs - bu-these "ahta" will start becoming a major part of your life. Stan: Ahta? [Sharon walks behind Randy and sits on one of the sofa's arms] Randy: But Stanley, you can't let them get in the way of your friends. There are a lot of boobs out there, son. But they're just boobs; your friends... are forever. Stan: [considers each argument] Friend. Ahta. Randy: I know you think this set of boobs is important now, but those boobs will be replaced by another set of boobs. Boobs will come and go, and then, someday, [places his left hand on Sharon's right shoulder. She smiles] you'll meet a pair of boobs that you want to marry. And those become the boobs that matter the most. Sharon: [putting her right arm around Randy] I love you. Randy: If you can just understand that, Stanley, you'll see that boobs hold no real power at all. [Bebe's house, night. The house is dark, so she's asleep. The camera zooms in on her, and her breasts start to blink under her gown] Right Breast: The boys are at w*r. All is going as planned. Left Breast: Yes. Soon all the boys will be brought to their knees. Right Breast: We grow larger every day. Left Breast: And stronger. Right Breast: Soon the entire tow- [Bebe awakens] Left Breast: Sh! Sh! She's awake! Right Breast: Ah, quiet. Bebe: [shrieks and kicks her blanket off] MOM!! MOM!! Mrs. Stevens: [rushes to Bebe's room and enters] What is it, Bebe? Bebe: [scared] My breasts! Mrs. Stevens: [approaches the bed, sits, and holds her] Oh, sweetheart, you're just becoming a young lady. Bebe: No, they're conspiring! Mom, they were talking! They wanna destroy the town! Mrs. Stevens: [b*at] Yes, darling, your breasts have a power that will unleash itself as you get older. They feed off the misery of boys and grow to bring woe wherever they can. You're blossoming into a woman. [hugs her] Bebe: That does it! I'm NOT letting these things run my life! [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Dr. Hallis walks in with a file and quickly addresses his prospective client] Dr. Hallis: Young lady, are you absolutely sure you want to consider this kind of procedure for your breasts? Wendy: Yes! I want to get breast implants! Mrs. Testaburger: I tried to tell her she was too young. Dr. Hallis: Well, it is a different time, Mrs. Testaburger. Society puts a lot of pressure on your daughter to look her best. Having small breasts can make her feel unimportant. Mrs. Testaburger: [considers the doctor's argument...] But she's eight! Dr. Hallis: Yes, well, not too young to feel flat and therefore, not pretty. Wendy: That's what I said. Dr. Hallis: However, young lady, I'm afraid breast implants are not for everyone. [takes out a notepad] I'll need to carefully assess your physical and mental condition to see if augmentation is truly the best way for you to go. Wendy: I have three thousand dollars, cash. [her mom blanches] Dr. Hallis: [quickly disposes of the pad and pen, then rises and leaves the desk] You pass. Let's do this thing. Mrs. Testaburger: [mortified] Oh, wait. You're gonna do it right now? Dr. Hallis: Suuure. Breast augmentation is now a very simple procedure. [holds Wendy's right arm up and points to the armpit] What we do is make a small incision in the armpit where it won't be seen. Then we take this little plastic bag and gently place it in the chest where we fill it with salt water. Mrs. Testaburger: I still don't know about this. Dr. Hallis: Look. Us plastic surgeons have one philosophy. If we can help someone's self-esteem a little, then why not do it if they have to be a thousand dollars? [Operating room, moments later. Wendy is hooked up and sedated. The first incision is made to the left armpit and the flesh pulled back hard. The nurse hands the doctor the first implant, which he shoves in Wendy's chest] Dr. Hallis: [shove] Cha! [shove] Gotta! [shove] Jam it! [shove] Up there! [shove] Get! [shove] In! [shove] There! [shove] You! [shove] Bitch! [shoves faster] Get! [shove] In! [shove] There! [shove] You! [shove] Bitch! [the implant is finally in place, but everythng is covered in steaks of blood] Hah! [wipes his brow] Okay, there's one, Wendy. Doing great. [South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Mackey is back teaching the class. The kids are at their seats] Mr. Mackey: M'kay. Kids, we need to talk about your failing grades. Clyde: [in primal mode] Bebe! Where Bebe?! Bebe! Bebe! [he and a few others grunt a bit] Mr. Mackey: M'kay, we all need to start studying more and fighting less, m'kay? [the grunts start up again] A Boy: Bebe! [more grunts.] Stan: Ahta! [more grunts. Bebe enters wearing a cardboard box over her clothes. The boys quiet down] Bebe: Hey guys. [a few boys grunt back with "Hi!!" "Hey." "Hm." as she heads for her seat. The boys are confused] Craig: Have you guys noticed that Bebe isn't as cool as she used to be? [Bebe smiles at her uncoolness] Token: Yeah. What the hell happened to us? Stan: Oh my God. I get it now. It was Bebe's boobs. Cartman: Bebe's boobs? Bebe: Oh cool! It worked! Stan: Don't you guys see? Boobs... do something to our brains. They fill our brains with illusions. Kyle: Sssss-so ...Bebe ...didn't become smart and cool? It was just her boobs? Bebe: Yes! Cartman: So, Bebe is actually just as lame as she ever was? Bebe: Right. My boobs just clouded your judgment. Kyle: But that sucks. I don't want something to have that much power over me. Stan: I don't think it will, you guys, as long as we realize it. We must learn to control their power over us. Clyde: Yeah. Screw boobs! They're stupid! Craig: I'm sorry for fighting, you guys. [all the boys leave their seats and start apologizing to each other, hugging each other] Mr. Mackey: [moved by this display of affection] Aw, that's so sweet, m'kay? Clyde: Let's never let boobs come between us again! The Boys: Hear Hear! Kyle: Boobs are stupid! Wendy: [enters with her new, ample implants] Hi, everybody. [the boys look at her for a long while, then start laughing heartily. Wendy is stunned at the response] Clyde: Look at those ridiculous things! Butters: [steps up and touches the left breast] Oooo, they're all hard and oogey! Cartman: What a stupid bitch! [the boys start laughing again. Butters is laughing hard, but realizes that his finger is still on Wendy's breast] [End of Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x10 - Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society"}

foreverdreaming

[Tweek's house, night. He's on the sofa looking at news.] News Anchor: [News 4] And in other news, another school sh**ting has taken place, this time in Idaho. As these kinds of sh**ting increase, one thing becomes clear: Your children are not safe at school. Tweek: Oh God! [frantically fishes for the remote control] Change it! Change it! [finds it and changes channels] News Anchor: [News 5] This was the second time a t*rror1st thr*at has been made on a theme park, leaving everyone to realize that children are not safe outside. Tweek: Agh! God, change it!! [clicks through a few channels] News Anchor: [SNN, with weather bar at bottom] And it seems there's a new danger to look out for: children who are taken by strangers. The bottom line: children are not safe... in their own homes! Tweek: [throws a fit] Aaaah!! Tweek's Mom: [arrives] Tweek. Tweek: Gahahghah Tweek's Mom: Come to the kitchen, sweetie. We need to see you real quick. [leaves. Tweek soon follows] [Kitchen. Richard is at table as Tweek arrives. Tweek's mom is serving coffee. There are two coffee makers in the background] Tweek: Oh God. They're gonna get me. Richard: Sit down and have some coffee, son. [Tweek climbs onto his seat and takes a sip, then several more] Tweek, there's starting to be a lot of reports in the news about kids being abducted, and we thought we should talk. Tweek: [points to the TV] I s-I saw! Uuuh! Tweek's Mom: You know never to talk to strangers, right Tweek? You can't trust anybody. Tweek: [panting] Oh God! Huh! Richard: Now, we don't want to alarm you, son, but we've isntalled new locks on your bedroom windows and door. Important for you to know never to unlock them at night for anyone except your mother and I. Tweek: [panting] Oh Jesus! Huh! Tweek's Mom: It's just a precaution, sweetie. Probably nothing will ever happen. [The Tweek house, after bedtime. Tweek is in his bed having a nightmare.] Tweek: No, ...NO! They're gonna get me! [wakes up] GAAAH! Huh, huh, huh-oh, oh God. [holds himself] Uh, just a dream. [gasps. His bedroom windows are open and the curtains are softly bl*wing in the breeze] OH MY GOD!! [quickly jumps up and closes the windows. Four knocks are heard at the door] GAAAH!! [throws the blanket over his head. Two more knocks, and then] Voice: [on the other side of the door]Tweek! This is Officer Daniels! Now, try and stay calm, but we believe an abductor is in your room! Tweek: ...Inside my room? Oh God! Voice: Give it up, buddy! We've got ya surrounded! Okay, Tweek, I want you to very calmly but quickly walk to the door and come out to us! Tweek: [thinks and looks around] Oh my God! [hops down and makes his way to the door] Oh! Oh! Jesus, see me through this. [opens the door and steps out, only to find a g*n to his face. He gasps, then] AAAHH! Voice: Bang! [the g*n is withdrawn] You're d*ad, Tweek. [the camera zooms out to show Mr. Tweek holding the g*n] Tweek: [look up bewildered] What?? Richard: You failed the test, son. Didn't I tell you not to open the door for anybody except your mother and I? Tweek: [a bit panicked] Oh God! Oh Jesus! Tweek's Mom: [walks up and stands next to Richard at the doorway] What if that had been a child abductor pretending to be a police officer, Tweek? Richard: He would have sprayed your brains all over the floor and then taken your body off to the woods. [Tweek shakes his head in frustration and whimpers] You've got to be on your toes, Tweek. Alright, now go to bed and get some rest. Tweek's Mom: 'Night, pumpkin. [his dad closes the door and locks it, then the parents go off to bed. Tweek turns to go to bed, but looks distraught] [The Bijou, next day. "Men In Black II" is showing. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Tweek walk up to the ticket booth] Stan: I hope this movie doesn't suck ass. Kyle: It will. Cartman: [orders his ticket first] One please. Tweek: [stopping Cartman] Wait, that's not the usual ticket-taker guy! Kyle: So? Tweek: So? I don't know him! Cartman: Dude, relax. Tweek: You relax! What if he wants to k*ll me?! AAAAAAAA!! [runs away] Cartman: Gah, what the hell do his parents do to him? [Down the road. Tweek is running, but soon tires out. A car pulls up and the driver looks out the passenger window] Driver: 'Scuse me, is this the right road to Breckenridge. Tweek: [looks up] AAH! Uh... Driver: Please, I just need to know if this is "South Park"? Tweek: Get away from meee! [runs off again. The confused driver looks at him go] [A street corner. Tweek arrives there and stops to catch his breath. An elderly lady walks up and taps his hair. Tweek screams and jumps back. The crossing signal says "WALK," so it's alright for both to cross the street] Elderly Lady: Could you help me across the street? Tweek: I don't know you! [runs across the street] Ah, AAAH! [The outskirts of town. Tweek is running and arrives at some train tracks. A man in a wheelchair sits between the tracks. He looks behind to see that no one has followed him] Man in Wheelchair: Oh, hey, kid! [Tweek looks over] Oh, thank God you happened by. My- my chair ran out of juice right on these train tracks. If you hadn't had shown up, well... Well, anyway, could you give me a push? Tweek: Huh uh! Man in Wheelchair: No, no, you don't understand. I'm, I'm paralyzed from the neck down. I push the chair with this device in front of my mouth, but it's it's not working, so you see- Tweek: I'm not supposed to talk to you! Man in Wheelchair: Please, this, this isn't funny, kid. You have to help me. Tweek: But it could be a trick! [a train zooms by, taking the paralyzed man with it. Tweek watches it go by] Ugh. That's a pretty good trick. [The Tweek house, night. Tweek is again asleep, peacefully. A light fills the room and rouses him from his sleep. At the foot of the bed is a man dressed in a robe. He holds a scepter in his right hand and wears laurel branches on his head. He is glowing, as is the bauble atop the scepter] Tweek: AaaaAAAHH! [hides under his covers] Man: [speaking with authority] Relax, Tweek. I am not here to hurt you. I am the Ghost of Human Kindness. Tweek: [peeks out from behind the covers] The Ghost of Human Kindness? The Ghost of Human Kindness: You have never seen the likes of me before. Tweek: What do you want? The Ghost of Human Kindness: You have lost faith in humanity, lad. Something I cannot bear to see happen. Tweek: Huh-uh, how can I help it? It seems that everywhere I turn, someone is out to get me. The Ghost of Human Kindness: That is the world of the news reports. It is the world that adults preoccupy themselves with, but it is not the world as it is. Tweek: It isn't? [A woman enters the Shady Acres Retirement Community and heads for the front door. Tweek and the ghost arrive and follow her in] The Ghost of Human Kindness: Look here, Tweek. This woman is on her way to the retirement home. [they arrive at the front door] She doesn't get paid; she volunteers her time to talk with lonely elderly people who want nothing more than a friend. [the woman hugs an elderly lady, then moves on to other folks.] But do you hear about her on the news? No. [A one-story house, later. Tweek and the ghost reach the front window] The Ghost of Human Kindness: Now gaze upon this humble house, Tweek. Inside there are two people who have adopted needy children. [a close-up of a man reading to his baby. Two other kids, a Japanese girl and a black boy, sit on the floor listening. The mother arrives with drinks] They were strangers to those kids once. Now they are loving parents [The camera looks at a snowy sky with a full moon and pans down. Tweek and the ghost are walking down the highway] The Ghost of Human Kindness: Now, look here, boy. [a sh*t of a man changing the front left tire of a Cadillac for an elderly lady. A young woman stands ready with a spare tire] A car has broken down with a flat tire, and two complete strangers have stopped to help. [the man signals for the tire, the woman rolls it to him] Will their kindness be reported on the news tomorrow? I think not. [South Park. Tweek and the ghost are back in town] The Ghost of Human Kindness: Are you starting to understand, boy? Tweek: I think so. You mean that, even though all the news is about m*rder and abductors, those kind of people... only make up a very small part of the world. The Ghost of Human Kindness: That's right, lad. So do you think you can learn to trust people now? Tweek: I'll... try. The Ghost of Human Kindness: Good. Then why don't you get into the back of my van, and I'll drive you home. [the camera pans to a dirty dilapidated van] Tweek: Your van? [flashlights click on and focus on the ghost and at least five squad cars pull up to the two people] Officer 1: Alright Johnson, give it up! The Ghost of Human Kindness: [strikes his scepter to the ground with each expletive] Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! [four officers close in with g*n drawn. Tweek steps aside] Oh, I was so close! Tweek: What the hell is going on?? Tweek's Mom: Tweek, Tweek, are you okay? Richard: Did he hurt you, son? Tweek: No Detective: Then we aren't too late. His name is Frederick Johnson. He's been abducting children by dressing up like the Ghost of Human Kindness for over a year now. The Ghost of Human Kindness: And I would have gotten away with it again if it weren't for you meddling policemen! [the policemen escort him away. A wide sh*t shows the Stotches, the Williamses and the Marshes viewing the arrest in their pagamas. Liane Cartman walks up in her gown. She's wearing a facial treatment mask] Liane: What's going on? Sharon: A stranger was caught trying to abduct the Tweek boy. Sheila: [the Broflovskis arrive in their pajamas] An abductor in our town? Tom: Oh my God, what are we gonna do? [South Park City Hall, next day. The townsfolk are clamoring outside the front door] Townsfolk: Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble... Mayor McDaniels: People, people, calm down. Randy: Well what are we gonna do, Mayor?! We have to stop these abductors from being able to get into our town! Townsfolk: Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble... Mayor McDaniels: Yes, but standing out here yelling "Rabble rabble rabble" isn't going to help anything. Jimbo: Well we don't know what else to do, Mayor! Townsfolk: Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble. Mayor McDaniels: People, what do you think we need to do? Gerald: [thinks] Uh, well, we need to find a way to close our town off from unwanted strangers! Sheila: Yes, we need a barrier to protect our kids. Townsfolk: Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble... Randy: Wait, that's it. A wall. We could build a huge city wall all around South Park so that we have complete control over who comes in. Richard: That's... not a bad idea, a city wall. Sheila: But who can we get to build it? [City Wok, later. Several adults are in the restaurant] Mayor McDaniels: ...And so, we want you to design and build a great wall, all around the city. City Wok Owner: I don' build wall. I just own un' operate City Wok. Gerald: We just think that you're the best person to put up a wall. We're sure you've got it in your blood. City Wok Owner: [thinks a moment] Oh, I get it. Just because I Chinese, you think I build wall. That i' bullshit! I'm not stereotype, okay?! Just because I'm Chinese doesn't mean I go around building wall! I'm just a normal person like all o'you! I eat ahrice and drive ahreally slow, just like the rest o'you! I'm not stereotype! Sharon: Please, Mr. Tuong Lu Kim. Randy: Your ancestors put up a great wall that kept Mongolians out for thousands of years. We know you can do it for us. [Outside South Park, some weeks later. A great wall has gone up around South Park, enclosing it like a medieval wall. This is the Great Wall of South Park. Tuong, dressed in his restaurant's uniform, is laying down some bricks. He hears some horses and look up. Some Mongolians have arrived and drawn their swords. They chip away at the wall.] Tuong: Hey. Hey hey! [rushes over to the gap the Mongolians are creating] Hey, what the hell you doing?! [the Mongolian leader says a few words] Mongorians? What the hell Mongorians doing here? [the Mongolians keep attacking the wall] Ey, f*ck you, Mongorians! Tryin' break down my wall! [starts throwing bricks at the Mongolians] Get out of here, f*ck' Mongorians! [the Mongolians turn and ride away] God-damnit, how come every time us Chinese put up a wall, stupid Mongorians have to come and knock it down? [South Park, now encircled by the Great Wall, later.] [The Marsh house, living room. Stan is on the sofa watching TV. His parents enter. Randy is carrying a box] Randy: Stan, our abduction problems are over. We got the new Child Tracker. Stan: Child Tracker? Sharon: It's a little electrical device that can tell us where you are anywhere on Earth. Randy: If anybody takes you, we'll be able to locate your exact location within two meters. [Moments later, Randy finishes installing the Tracker, and both parents smile.] Randy: There, I think that's got it. [Stan is now wearing a very elaborate helmet with several antennae, a red light, and a small satellite dish sitting on top.] Stan: ...Dude, no way! I'm not wearing Child Tracker! Randy: You can barely even tell you have one on. Stan: I'm not going to school like this! What will all the other guys say?! Sharon: I wouldn't worry about that. [School bus stop, next day. Stan is wearing his tracker. Kyle, Cartman, and Tweek are wearing their own trackers. All trackers are activated.] Cartman: So weak. So weak, dude. Man. Kyle: Why did you go and have to be abducted, Tweek? Now all our parents are freaking out! Tweek: I didn't mean to. [The Great Wall of South Park. Tuong finishes the repairs on the damaged section.] Tuong: Okay. Finary. [looks around] Oh no. [picks up a telescope and looks through it. He finds the Mongolians attacking the wall at a position far off] It's those God-damned Mongorians again! Stop! Stop right there, Mongorians! [a sh*t from inside a tower of Tuong running down the rampart] God-damnit, stop! [a far sh*t of Tuong running down the rampart] Stop breaking down my city wall you stupid Mongoriaaans! [finally arrives at the source of the noise] Ay, you sons of bitches, you- [sees a ruse. Clothes were placed on twigs and a tape player plays a recording of Mongolian noises] What the hell?? [straightens up] Oh, shit! [looks off to his right to see the Mongolians attacking the part of the wall he was at before] OH, GOD-DAMNED MONGORIANS!! [runs back along the rampart to the Mongolians] I'm gonna get you, f*ck' Mongorians! Don't break down my city wall! [reaches the new gap and the Mongolians ride away] Oh, God-damnit! [the Mongolian leader says something. Tuong calls out after them] That's the last time you're gonna break down my city wall! You hear me, Mongorians?! [goes about repairing the wall] God-damned Mongorians. [A baseball field. A cheer comes up from the bleachers. A close-up shows the townsfolk rooting for their Cows.] Richard: Alright, Cows, We're gonna go out there and we're gonna give 'em hell! [the boys are wearing their Child Trackers. Cartman is the catcher, Stan is the pitcher] Kyle: But, wait. Where's the other team? [the field is shown. The opposing bullpen is empty and there are no opposing players on the field. There's no visiting team out there.] Randy: There is no other team. Stan: Huh? Richard: Well, we've... put a wall around the city to keep outsiders out. You don't think we want a bunch of strangers coming in to play ball, do you? Stan: But if there is no other team, then it won't be any fun. Randy: Don't worry, it'll still be fun for us. [takes a sip of his beer. Richard sips from his beer can, then other townsfolk in the bleachers sip from their beer cans. The Cows take positions on the field] Townsfolk: Go Cows! Go Cows! Go Cows! Go Cows! Jimbo: [umpire] Play ball! [Stan looks at the people in the stands, then pitches to Cartman] Steeeeee-riiike Townsfolk: [standing and cheering] Yeah! Woohoo! Yeah! [Crust E. Krotch's Pizza, Corral, night. The town is in there celebrating a victory. Ned is playing "Thirst For Blood"] Jimbo: [raises a mug of beer] South Park Cows do it again! Sharon: Congratulations on your victory, boys. [Cartman is already eating a slice of pizza] Kyle: Dude, we weren't playing anybody. Randy: Yeah, and you kicked ass! Mr. Goodman: Isn't it awesome havin' a great wall around our city? Nobody in town except for our good friends. Townsfolk: Yeahah! Alright! Yeah. Right on! Right on! Richard: [calling attention to the TV] Guys! Sh, quiet everyone. [the news is on] News Anchor: [in gray jacket] And this newest study reveals more about child abductions than we apparently knew before, Tom. [the adults move closer to the TV] Sharon: Turn it up. Tom: [in brown jacket] That's right, Chris. This newest study shows that the majority of child abductions are NOT commited by strangers, but by somebody the child knows in their own town. [the adults start looking at the others around them, at each other.] The report further states that it is because the child trusts the individual that problems occur in the first place. Chris: Well, I guess this means the enemy is in our own backyard, so to speak. Tom: Sure does, Tom. Chris: Alright, thanks, Chris. Is the weather going to turn su- [click. The parents go to their kids and they depart one by one] Richard: Well, if you'll all excuse us, I think we'll be going now. [takes Tweek, and the family leaves. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman remain, eating] Gerald: [walks up] Yeah. Come along, Kyle [the Broflovskis leave. Stan and Cartman remain] Sharon: Stanley, time for us to get back to the house. Stan: [mouth full] I'm not done with my pizza. Sharon: NOW, Stanley! [whisks him off. Randy follows, looking at Cartman, left all alone with his mom] [The Great Wall of South Park. Tuong is working on something behind a brick shield.] Tuong: Eh. Eh, eh, there we go. [pulls out a large w*apon] All finished. My Mongolian m*ssile Defense system. [a bazooka reading "MONGOLIAN ERADICATOR." He mounts it on his shoulder and takes aim. Next, he sets it down and drops a m*ssile into it] Those Mongolians try to break down my city wall again, they gonna get a big heat-seeking m*ssile surprise! [hoofbeats are heard and the Mongolians are once again present and ready to att*ck. Tuong sees them and taunts them] Oh! Hello Mongolians. Yeah. You come to break down my city wall? [the leader holds out a baseball] Oh, you gonna throw that baseball at my wall?? [feigns despair] Oh no! Not a baseball! I'm pretty scared. [the leader tosses the ball in the air straight up] Well, you know what? I might have something here that's a little bigger than a baseball. [arms himself with the bazooka, setting it at hip level] Say hello to my little friend! [fires the m*ssile and watches it go towards the Mongolians. One of the Mongolians pours gasoline on the ball. The leader reaches back to get a lighter from another Mongolian and sets the ball on f*re. The m*ssile gets close to them. The leader throws the ball at Tuong and the m*ssile follows the ball. The ball hits the wall and drops to the snow. Tuong realizes what this means] Aw, crap. [the m*ssile strikes the ball and blows a new gap into the great wall. After the smoke clears, Tuong is lying in the rubble, clearly hurt] Ooohhhh [the leader draws his sword and the Mongolians have a good laugh about this incident. Then they turn and ride off, laughing.] God-damned Mongolians!! You break down my city wall foda last time!! [South Park, the bus stop, next day. The parents are present with the boys as they wait for the school bus] Stan: Dude, this is worse than Child Tracker. Richard: 'Sokay, boys. Just act as if we weren't here. Sharon: Right. Do what you normally would do. Kyle: [volunteers] You're such a fatass, Cartman. Cartman: At least I'm not a stupid Jew. Sheila: Whatwhatwhaaat?? [South Park Elementary. The bell rings and the class begins. Mr. Mackey is at the board. ] Mr. Mackey: M'kay, kids, so, now, who can tell me what year the first moon landing took place? [a sh*t of the class with all parents present] Uh, how about you, Clyde? Mr. Goodman: [whispers into Clyde's ear] Nineteen six- Mr. Mackey: No helping! [Mr. Goodman looks around, embarassed, and stands up] M'kay, I'm not really sure havin' all the parents here is a good idea, m'kay? Richard: Well, maybe things could be better if we could trust people like the Stotches! Chris: Us?? Your family's all be the shifty-eyed ones! Richard: Oh yeah?! [the other parents begin to bicker] Mr. Mackey: Oh, this is too much to take. [goes to his desk, where his own parents wait, and sits down.] Mom, Dad, could you please leave me alone? Mr. Mackey's Father: We just wanna make sure nobody hurts you, Junior, m'kay? Mr. Mackey: M'kay. [Great Wall of South Park. Mr. Lu Kim wheels a vat of boiling fluid to one of the openings] Tuong: Hahahaha! My masterpiece! [stirs his concoction] When those Mongolians come next time, I pour this sweet and sour pork on their heads. Haha, sweet and sour pork so hot and sticky, Mongolians'll stick ahright up to the wall! And scream "UhwOoOoOoOoo!" Oh I can't wait. [hears something to his left. He looks and sees a wooden horse on wheels rolling up to the gate. He studies the horse and tries to think what to make of it] Oh, I get it. A Trojan Mongolian horse. Mongolians a-hiding inside thinking that I'll bring it in city wall, then Mongolians pop out and destroy wall from the inside out without gettin' any sweet and sour pork on their heads! Okay. I'll pray around. [starts to feign gratitude, moves to the rampart above the gate] Oh! Oh rook! Rook, my very own Mongorian Trojan horse! Gee, what a surprise! I guess Mongorians aren't such crappy, smelly people after all! [makes his way down the stairs near a tower and reaches the side door] Yeah. Great! Rwow! [opens the side door and walks over to the horse carrying a fireman's ax.] Yeah, what a great present! I'm just gonna push it inside the gate and soon tell all my friends. [pulls down a door handle under the horse. Two doors open above him and release some seweet and sour pork on him, forcing him to the ground. He finds it hard to move around] Oh, it's sweet and sour pork! [The Mongolians ride up again and att*ck the wall with their swords. Tuong speaks, but his words become less familiar, due to the stickiness of the sauce] Oh! I'm going to get you Nogodians, if it's the last thing I do! [The Tweek house, night. The parents are in the living room sitting together on the sofa watching TV and sharing a bag of popcorn. A blanket covers their legs. The surroundings show an iron door where the front door is, and roll-down iron blinds over the windows] News Anchor: [News 4] And so all the residents of Manhattan are prepared to evacuate if Ms. Clinton's ass gets any bigger. And in other news, new findings on the increase in child abductions. Richard: Oh Jesus, turn it up, honey! News Anchor: The study shows that the most likely abductors of children... are the parents themselves! [the two adults are somewhat stunned] The study reveals that nine out of every ten abduction cases are commited by the child's mother or father. The bottom line being that your children aren't safe, even from you! [Tweek's mom rises from the couch and walks away from it. Richard watches her go] Richard: Where are you going? Mrs. Tweek: Uh. I'm just going to go upstairs and see if Tweek is still in his bed. Richard: Oh?? [puts the popcorn and blanket aside and rises] I think I'll go with you. Mrs. Tweek: It's okay. I can do it. Richard: I just want to make sure that you- Mrs. Tweek: That I don't abduct him? How do I know that you haven't done it already?? Richard: Me?? I would never abduct our son! Mrs. Tweek: That's not what the new study says! Richard: [wipes his forehead, then] Well what are we supposed to do, eh-? How can we protect Tweek from ourselves? [both parents look upstairs] [South Park, next day. The familes gather on a neighborhood street. The parents are hugging their kids.] Randy: [hands Stan some money] Here you go, Stanley. This should hold you over for three years. Stan: But why do I have to leave? Randy: The news says that at your age you aren't safe with us, son. You have to get out of here before we abduct you. Sharon: Good-bye, son. [hugs Stan and sobs softly] Remember to eat right. Gerald: [wistfully] Look out for your brother, Kyle. You're the man now. Sheila: Oh, boys! Don't ever forget that we love you! [Gerald hugs Kyle, Sheila hugs Ike. They begin to cry, and the other adults follow. They leave their kids and huddle, then turn around, crying all the while] Linda Stotch: Be careful out there! Stan: Where are we supposed to go? Randy: We can't tell you because we can't know where you are! [turns back to cry with Sharon] Sheila: Oh, this is terrible! [turns and cries with Gerald] Mr. Goodman: Go on, kids! Go! Go and don't look back! [turns and hugs his wife. The adults are bawling now. Token is the first to leave, and the other kids follow him] Randy: Good-bye, kids. We'll... never forget you. [the adults continue crying. Chris pulls out a ram's horn and blows into it a few times] Stan: Dude, sometimes I think our parents are really stupid. A woman: [in the crowd, crying] Oh my God. [The Great Wall of South Park, day. Tuong is still congealed under the sweet and sour sauce the Mongolians dumped on him, but the Trojan Mongolian horse is gone. A dog walks by and sniffs] Tuong: Ah. Hey daw. O'er 'ere. O'er 'ere, dog. Got som'in sweet and souh foh ya. [the dog walks over and starts licking the sauce away] Good dog! That's it! Keep licking, dog! [Some time later. Tuong runs along the ramparts of the wall, finally freed from the sweet and sour pork that had held him in place] Tuong: Hahahahahaaa! I'm free, Mongolians! And now I'm gonna make you PAY! [The Marsh house, night. Randy is at the sofa watching the news.] News Anchor: Finally, some good news tonight. It's been several days since any child abductions have taken place. The main reason: parents don't know where their children are. [Sharon, at the window, sighs. Randy turns and looks at her. Snow flakes float down outside] Randy: What's the matter? [stands up] Sharon: Oh, it's just... I was wondering if Stan's okay. Randy: [walks up to her] Oh, I'm sure he's made it somewhere safe by now. [puts his hand on her back] Sharon: Do you really think we did the right thing, Randy? Sending all the young kids in town to live on their own? Randy: [faces her, makes her face him] Sweetheart, you saw the news... Sharon: I know. [they turn back to the window] Randy: Don't you worry. I'm sure that Stan and all the other kids are somewhere safe, off in a whole new city by now, making a new life for themselves. [A Mongolian camp outside the Great Wall of South Park, night. The Mongolians are roasting and enjoying small animals, and drying the hides near a tent. The town's kids are now with them, wearing new clothes.] Leader: Tah tane da ke ab kahleh kalabush. Stan: Bi ologad bag, big nan dastai. [the Mongolians laugh] Mongolian: [in blue] De bandig baeakhalah? Cartman: Tawya mea pleda cleah bleah. Tweek: Triben fak burushban. All: Shain balag! [The Great Wall of South Park, day. Tuong pops up outside the wall dressed in imperial attire.] Tuong: Awright, Mongolians! Your only way through this wall is through me. This is my rast stand! I'm gonna do my w*r dance now. [begins a chant and dances for a few seconds, then stops] Does my w*r dance ascare you, Mongolians? Yeah, you think you want a piece of this? [resumes his dance. Seeing Tuong engrossed in his dance, the children move some expl*sives to a spot against the wall. Token peeks to make sure everything is in place. The kids then walk back to the Mongolians, past Tuong...] This is ancient Chinese dance of a- Oh, herro kids. Uh be careful, there's a-Mongolians up there. [resumes his dance as the kids line up before the Mongolians. Stan hands the detonator to the Mongolian leader, who holds it for a while. Tuong notices the wire stretching between the Mongolians and the expl*sives against the wall] Oh, crap! [the expl*sives blow up, knocking Tuong towards the Mongolians and leaving a big gap in the wall. The kids and the Mongolians have a good laugh. The adults in town come to see the commotion] Randy: What's going on? Liane: I heard an expl*si*n. Tuong: [battered, comes into view] God-damned Mongolians att*cked city wall again! [The kids and the Mongolians have a good laugh again.] Man in Back: Mongolians?? Randy: What the hell are they doin' here?! Rabble! Rabble rabble! Adults: Rabble rabble rabble rabble! Richard: Wait a minute. Those Mongolians are... our children. [a sh*t of the kids and Mongolians] Sheila: Ike?? Kyle?? Sharon: My son has become a Mongolian?? No! Noooo!! [buries her head in Randy's chest] Richard: Oh God. What have we done? We sent our children away, and now they don't even remember who they are. Mr. Goodman: Kids? Don't you remember us? Randy: Wait wait. I learned some Mongolian in college. [steps forth] Ah, let's see. Uh. K-kids, uh, Bi kute. Bi salnek kute. Uh-d tah tasobarro. Stan: ["Budu e noo"] Oh my God, our parents are so stupid, dude. [squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face in his right hand] Randy: Bi kute. Mr. Goodman: We are your parents. You used to live here, with us. Kyle: Yeah, it was like four days ago! Richard: They're starting to remember. Randy: [walks quickly and kneels next to Stan] Staaan. Your name... is Staaan! Stan: Uh huh, Stan Marsh. Randy: [holds Stan firmly] That's it! Remember, son! Rememmmber! [the rest of the parents rush out and hug their own kids, crying in relief] Richard: We're sorry, Tweek! Mr. Goodman: Are you okay, Clyde? Chris: [Butters' parents hug the wrong person - the Mongolian leader] Oh, son, can you ever forgive us? Butters: Huh, I'm over here, Dad. Chris: Oh. [he and Linda rush to hug him] Sheila: We're sorry, kids. We just let all those sensationalist news reports go to our heads. Richard: Oh my God, do you see what this means? The Ghost of Human Kindness was right all along. Mr. Goodman: You mean how he said we should trust each other, or how he abducted children? Richard: The uh... no no, the part about being more trusting. We should follow what he said, not what he did. Adults: Wow, yeah. Oh yeah. Randy: No, no. You know who was right all along? The Mongolians. [a sh*t of the Mongolians] They knew that you just can't wall yourself off from the outside world. Putting walls up never helps anything. Tearing them down brings us together. Adults: Whoa! Wow. Right! Chris: Yeah, the Mongolians were right. Yeah. Tuong: Aw, you'd better not say what I think you're gonna say. Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Lu Kim, tear down this wall! Tuong: Oh, God! I hate this whole shitty! Sharon: Randy, can we just take our son home now? Randy: Yes, kids. [steps forward] With us, now come. Home. Hoomme. [all turn and walk towards town through the gap in the great wall] Stan: [to Kyle] Jesus Christ, dude, they've done some stupid crap before, but Jesus Christ. [faces forward and continues walking] [End of Child Abduction is Not Funny]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x11 - Child Abduction Is Not Funny"}

foreverdreaming

[South Park, city sidewalk, day. Stan, Cartman and Kyle head for a bright, colorful store called "Lolly's Candy Factory." Cartman carries three buckets: two on his back, supported by a crossbar, and a hurge one on his head. The proprietor, Lolly, opens the door and sets a sign so it reads "OPEN," thus starting his business day. On his red apron is a large yellow lollipop with "LOLLY" printed over it. The boys stop and look.] Lolly: [notices the kids and straightens up] Oh, hello there, kids! Welcome to Lolly's Candy Shop. Stan: We're the kids whose names you called on your commercial last night. We're here to do the shopping spree! Lolly: Oh that's great! Cartman: You bet your fat clown ass it is! Lolly: Okay! Well I'll just need your ticket stub. Cartman: [the boys' jaws drop a bit] ...ticket stub? Lolly: Well you know. When you entered the contest you got the other half of this ticket. [display the store's half of the ticket] Stan: Oh shit. Who had the ticket stub?? Kyle: It was such a long time ago! Cartman: Wu-we don't "really" need the ticket stub, do we? Lolly: Don't need the ticket stub?? Are you high?? How else do I know you're the winners? Stan: Because our names were called on the commercial last night! Lolly: Sh-orry boys. No ticket stub, no candy shopping spree. If you find it, you can come back, but you only have one week to claim the prize. That's called "The Ticking Clock." Works great in the movies. [steps backwards into the store and closes the door. The boys look at the door for a few seconds, then Cartman turns and steps forward] Cartman: [drops the buckets] GODDAMNIT!!! Stan: We're gotta find that ticket! Kyle: Which one of us took it?! It was so long ago, I c- I can't remember. Cartman: You guys we've got to focus! We've got to focus, and remember. [Zoom in on Cartman, who starts remembering...] [Lolly's Candy Factory, over a year ago. Kenny is still alive back then.] Lolly: [hands a ticket stub to Stan] All right. There you go. Hold on to that ticket stub. You'll need it to claim your prize. [looks at the rest of the store] Shign up for the five-minute shopping spree!! [walks off] Stan: [hands the stub to Cartman] You hold on to this, Cartman. I might lose it. Cartman: [takes it, then hands it to Kyle] Nah, I'll lose it for sure. You keep track of it, Kyle. Kyle: Okay. [takes it, then has second thoughts] N-no, ah I don't want that much responsibility. Here, you hold on to it, Kenny. [hands the stub to Kenny] Kenny: (Okay.) [takes it and pockets it] [back to the present. The boys realize Kenny was the last to hold the stub as their mouths open.] Cartman: [bolts away] Kenny!!! Stan, Kyle: [following quickly] AAAHHH!! [the buckets stay on the ground and the boys rush to Kenny's house] [Kenny's house, later. The boys arrive gasping for air and Kyle rings the doorbell.] Stuart: [opens the door] Yes? Stan: Where's Kenny?? Stuart: Uh... boys... Kenny died ...last December. Don't you remember? Kyle: We know he's d*ad. We mean, where is his body?? Kenny's Mom: His body? Well, why?? Cartman: Because he has the God-damned ticket for the-! Stan: [shuts Cartman up quick and stumbles for words] Uh, look. We just really miss our friend and, ah, andand we need to see his remains for closure. Kyle: Yeah. Closure. Cartman: [muffled] What the f*ck is closure?! Kenny's Mom: Oh all right boys. Come on in. [the boys follow the McCormicks in] [Kenny's house, inside. The boys follow the parents through the house] Stuart: We haven't seen you boys for so long, we thought you'd forgotten all about him. Kenny's Mom: Here he is, boys. Our dear little Kenny. [an urn is shown, with pictures of Kenny on either side of it.] Cartman: You turned him into a teapot? Stuart: No. That's an urn, boys. Kenny's inside it. Kenny's Mom: Your friends are here to see you, Kenny. [picks up the urn and caresses it.] They miss you an awful lot, like we all do. [starts crying] Stuart: Thang-thanks for coming by, boys. Ih-ih, it means a lot to us. [turns to his wife and consoles her] Aw now, honey. [joins her in sobbing] [Kenny's house, nighttime, living room. A circle appears on a window and that piece of window is removed. Cartman sets the circle down and looks around. He reaches up to open the window latch, then opens the window door. He slips in and goes for the urn. He pulls out a fake detector and moves it around] Cartman: Wewewewewewe... Stan: [climbs up to the window and looks in] Did you get it? [Kyle climbs up next to him] Cartman: Hold on, I'm checking for robot guards. [resumes the detection] Wewewewewewe... Kyle: There's not gonna be any robot guards, ret*rd! Just get Kenny! [Cartman looks back at the boys angrily, gets Kenny's urn, and climbs back out the window. Seconds later, a robot guard does indeed move through the living room...] Robot Guard: Wewewewewewe... [Cartman's house, night, kitchen. The boys rush to the counter and climb up on the stools] Kyle: Alright, we made it! Stan: Kenny'd better have the ticket stub with him in there! Kyle: Let him out, Cartman! [Cartman opens the urn and the boys duck] Cartman: ...Kenny? [the boys lose their fear and rise up to look at the urn] Kenny?! Kyle: Is he in there? Stan: I can't see. [Cartman pours out the ashes and the boys sneeze from the fine powder until it dissipates. Some ash smudges remain on their faces.] Cartman: What the hell is this?! Chocolate milk mix?! Kyle: I knew Kenny couldn't fit in that tea pot! [Cartman samples the ashes] Stan: It wa a trick! Cartman: God-damnit! This isn't even GOOD chocolate milk mix! Stan: Kenny's parents must be laughing pretty hard about now! We're dumb enough to believe Kenny's body could be in a teapot! Kyle: Why would they play such a cruel joke on us? Cartman: Egh, because they're poor, Kyle! Poor people don't have anything better to do than piss other people off! Don't you watch Springer?! Stan: We just have to face it. We're not gonna get Kenny back and we're not goona have our shopping spree. It's over! [gets off his stool and walks away.] Kyle: God-damnit! There has to be a way! [leaves his stool and follows Kyle out. Cartman looks at the ashes, then thinks of something] Cartman: Hmmm. [leaves his stool and returns with some milk, a glass, and a spoon. He scoops up some ashes and drops them into the glass. He pours the milk onto the ashes, stirs them up, and drinks the milk ] Hmm, not bad. [scoops some more ashes into the milk] [Cartman's room, night. The empty glass sits on his nightstand. The camera zooms out to show Cartman sleeping with Clyde Frog. Cartman tosses in his bed and his dream appears. A circle appears. Outisde of the circle is a lining to a jacket. Inside is someone's point of view. The surroundings seen in that circle indicates that this is Kenny's point of view. Kenny seems to be walking around in his own room. Kenny's arm appears and opens the door, and Kenny's mom appears at the end of the hall.] Kenny's Mom: Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna be late for school! [the dream ends abruptly] Cartman: [sits up, eyes wide open] Huh! ... I don't think that chocolate milk mix agreed with my stomach. [growls a bit, turns to sleep, and farts. The door flies open and Stan and Kyle rush in] Stan: Cartman, come on! Cartman: [sits up again] What what? [sees who it is] Jesus, you buttholes! It's six in the morning! Stan: Kyle figured out a way to get our winning ticket stub back from Kenny! Cartman: How? Kyle: A ladder to heaven. [unfolds some blueprints] We build it, climb up, and get our winning ticket back from that assh*le Kenny. [Stan's house, day. The blueprints are in place on an easel. The design is a slender tower rising some 120 feet into the sky. The camera pulls back to show the boys hammering boards into place. Stan's parents step outside to see the construction.] Randy: Hey, if you boys are building a clubhouse you should start with the floor. Stan: [going for some more wood] We're not building a clubhouse, we're building a ladder to heaven. Randy: A ladder to heaven? Why, son? Stan: Because we wanna see Kenny again. [heaves a piece of wood back to the tower] Sharon: [after a moment of though] Oh... oh, that's so sweet. Randy: That's the ...s-s-saddest thing I've ever heard. Jimbo: [approaching] Hey Randy, can I borrow your uh... [sees the boys' activity] What the hell are they doing? Randy: The boys wanna see their d*ad friend Kenny again, Jimbo, so they're... building a ladder to heaven. Jimbo: Awwww. Sheila: [arriving with Gerald] Kyle, I think you've bothered the Marshes enough. Randy: No, it's... alright, Sheila. The boys were just... building a ladder to heaven to see their old friend, Kenny. Jimbo: A ladder tuh... Oh... oh God. [begins to sob] Sheila: Oh, that's so touching. [begins to sob. All the adults begin to cry. The boys continue building] [Behind Stan's house, day. A reporter has arrived and now begins his report] Field Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where last December, eight-year-old Kenny McCormick died of a terminal illness. But now, that little boy's three closest friends miss their friend so much that they are building a ladder to heaven, in order to- [chokes as the camera reaches the tower, then gathers himself] a ladder to heaven in order to try to see him again. [sighs] It's so sad and yet so beautiful, Tom. Here's what some people had to say. Randy Marsh: Well, our son just said to us that he really needed to see his little friend Kenny again and... and that he thought it would work... [begins to break down] if he... built the ladder to heaven. Sheila: [sobbing] They just believe in their little hearts that it will work. We can't tell them it won't, we just can't! Jimbo: [wistful] It shows how beautiful the innocence of a child really is. [starts sobbing. Other people are show crying: Marietta Kitchin, Carrie Ayers & Steve Stegman] Mr. Garrison: A ladder to heaven? That's f*ck' stupid. Mayor McDaniels: [sobbing with her aides] These boys symbolize how we all feel about loss. Who are we to tell them it's impossible? Field Reporter: Tom, people from all over the- [chokes] Sorry. [gets back on track] People from all over the country are coming to see the ladder, feeling a connection to its symbolism, and beauty. Even country singer Alan Jackson has shown up with a song he has written about the ladder. [camera pulls back to show Jackson to the reporter's left, strumming a guitar] Alan Jackson is, of course, the man who wrote the song, "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning," about the tragedies on September 11. And now he's here once again to capitalize on people's emotions. Let's listen in. [focus shifts to Jackson] Alan Jackson: Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven? Did it make you feel like cryin', or did you think it was kind of gay? Townsman: What a beautiful song. [the boys look down at Jackson] Alan Jackson: Well I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven. Oh yeah yeah yeah. 9-11 [the townsfolk begin to cry] I said 9-11, 9-11, 9-11, Ni-hi, hi-hine___ Eleven. [the song ends] Thank you! I have a new CD out with all my 9-11 songs for sale right here! [the crowd rushes in to get copies of the CD. Jackson is pleased at the interest. The boys resume their construction. Stan and Kyle are hammering away at the top of the ladder. Cartman hustles up the ladder with a car seat] Kyle: Oh good! Cartman's back from the junkyard. Cartman: I found this car seat in Mr. Garrison's car. [hands it to the other two boys, who put it in place] Stan: Mr. Garrison threw away his car? Cartman: ...No. [the boys let the seat drop] Ey! Euuugh. [Flashback #2 - resumes where the first one left off. Kenny seems to be walking around in his own room. Kenny's arm appears and opens the door, and Kenny's mom appears at the end of the hall.] Kenny's Mom: Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna be late for school! [the dream ends abruptly] Stuart: Kenny, do you by any chance know what happened to my Playboys? [shows Kenny a centerfold, which shows a circle where the centerfold's crotch should be. He lifts the centerfold high enough to look through the hole] Kenny?! Answer me!! [back to the present - Cartman looks dazed] Kyle: Cartman? Cartman?! Cartman: [startled] Wha-uh, what?? What? Kyle: Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?! Cartman: I don't know. It's like my brain just keeps... jacking off. Kyle: Maybe you got brain cancer. Cartman: Do you think? Stan: Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! You're gonna fall off and break it! [SNN newscast. Graphics are shown indicating 74% of Americans believe in the ladder] SNN Reporter: The nation is rallying behind three sweet boys in Colorado who are building a ladder to heaven to be with their d*ad friend. [a picture of the boys on the ladder is shown] It's making Americans start to believe in heaven, again. [next segment has the reporter out on the street] Woman 1: Well when I see how this ladder has brought people together, how... how it has changed America, I mean, how can I not believe? SNN Reporter: [off screen] Ha do YOU actually believe in the ladder to heaven? Fat Man: If... heaven is an eight-year-old boy, and the ladder is my penis... [the camera moves away quickly, but the man keeps up] and the pearly gates are the- [static... the camera pulls back to show the reporter back at the desk, holding a TV status pattern on paper and hissing. He notices the camera and stops, putting the pattern down] SNN Reporter: Uh, meanwhile, the American economy cont- [gets some breaking news over his headset] wait. Wait. Wait a minute. We are getting reports now that Ja-pan is building their own ladder to heaven to compete with the US's's. Let's go live to SNN correspondent Nobuhiro Sabasurisurijuwa. SNN Correspondent: This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting rive from Tokyo, where Japan has started buirding its own radder to hayben. [the tower is shown with klieg lights bathing it in light] Ahready, the Japanese radder extend faaar into space [the ladder is now high enough for a space shuttle to park by and astronauts come out to work on it] and it's growing by a-one thousand miles every day. [back on the ground...] As the endeavor continues it is becoing clear that Japan will reach a-hayben before the United States. [a raspberry follows] [South Park, just past sunset. The neighbors have gathered around the ladder in Stan's back yard and are now singing] Neighbors: Nahurabo Nahurabo Stan: Excuse me. ["Nahurabo"] Excuse me! ["Nahurabo"] Uh, we ran out of stuff. [the singing abruptly stops] We ran out of stuff to build theh ladder with. Man 1: Oh no! Woman 2: Oh Jesus, no! Alan Jackson: Where were you when they ran out of stuff to build the ladder to heaven? Stan: We can keep going, but we need to start tearing down houses for wood. Randy: [raises his arms high] No! Agh, look, I, I think maybe this has gone on far enough. Gerald: Yeah... Ih it's time we told the boys the truth, that they aren't really going to get to heaven. [a truck is heard arriving] Man 2: [at the back, by the fence] Wait! Look! [a fleet of trucks, cars, and jeeps converge on the road outside the house] General: We've come to help you b*at those Japs, boys! [behind him, military personnel bring out ladders and other construction equipment] There won't be anyone stopping this great ladder from being built today! [the crowd cheers wildly. The boys' parents are dumbstruck] Alpha Team! Get that support structure up! Ciranom's Team! Get us photos and recon! [the teams set about their duties] Soldiers: Yes sir! Alan Jackson: Where were you when they saved that ladder to heaven? Kyle: [with Cartman at the top of the ladder] Man, I can't believe how much people want us to get our winning ticket back. Cartman: Candy-shopping sprees have that effect on people, Kyle. [South Park, next day. The boys resume building the ladder, and they almost break through the cloud above them. Stan is the first to peer over the clouds. Kyle soon joins him.] Kyle: Do you see anything? Stan: No. Hello?? Kenny?? God?? Kyle: Grandma?? Cartman: [joins the other two boys, grunting as he gets into position] Aw, don't tell me we haven't even reached the cloud city yet! Stan: No cloud city, not even a giant. Heaven must still be a long way off. Cartman: Alright, look. I didn't wanna have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us doesn't believe in it enough. Kyle: Huh? Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie faeries of Bubble Yum Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them. Stan: What?? Cartman: You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O. Kyle: [processes the comment] What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?! Cartman: Because Jews don't believe in heaven! Kyle: Yes we do! Just not the Christian heaven! Cartman: Right. Your idea of heaven is getting five dollars off your matzah ball soup at Barney's Beanery by lying about a hair in it. Kyle: HAAHH!!! [smacks Cartman on the side of the face with his left fist] Cartman: AH! [stunned, he has another flashback. A heartbeat is heard] [Flashback #2 - Kenny arrives at the bus stop.] Kyle: Hey Kenny. Stan: Hey Kenny. Kenny: (Hey you guys. What's goin' on, man?) Cartman: In the ghetto, in the ghetto. He was born where hungry children cry, kickin', his whole family resides in the ghetto, in the ghetto Kenny: [points an accusing finger at Cartman] (Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!) Cartman: What did you say?! Kenny: (I said, Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!) Cartman: What did you say?! Cartman: [in the present] I said "Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!" [opens his eyes and looks around] Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina? Stan: Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?? Cartman: I dunno, I just, I keep feeling like I'm Kenny. Seeing memories through his eyes. Kyle: You're too fat to be Kenny. Cartman: [amid his thoughts] You're a- stupid Jew. Stan: Let's just keep building. We only have five more days until the shopping spree. [The White House, Washington D.C., moments later. George Bush arrives at the Oval Office and takes his seat at the executive desk] Bush: Alright, how's the ladder going, General? Are we beating the Japanese. General: Not quite, but we have a new problem, Mr. President. Our recon team on the ladder just found new evidence of thr*at... from Saddam Hussein. Bush: Saddam Hussein? But... we k*lled him! We secretly took him out months ago! General: Yes sir. And now we believe he's building w*apon of mass destruction... in heaven. Bush: Dear Christ, that sonofabitch just doesn't stop! General: [flips a page on an easel, showing another page with three identical photos] These surveillance photos were taken atop the ladder of what appears to be heaven. [points out an encircled object in the center photo] Here we see what we believe to be a m*ssile silo. And here [points out an encircled object in the lower photo] we see what looks like a laboratory of some sort for making chemical w*apon. Dick Cheney: That... kinda looks like a seagull. General: Yes. It could be a laboratory disguised as a seagull. Bush: That tricky bastard! General: Sir, you must understand our fears. We must take out those facilities. We must... [close-up] b*mb heaven! [SNN newsroom, new poll] SNN Reporter: SNN Question of the Day: Now that Americans believe in heaven, should we b*mb it? The polls right now show that 51% of Americans think Saddam has to be dealt with, while 49% are wimpy tree-hugging pussies. w*r Protester: [in tie-dye shirt, waving a "No w*r On Heaven" sign] w*r is not my voice! This country is just run by rednecks and bumpkins with their g*n! Redneck: [with baby dangling from the left hand, r*fle firmly in the right hand] We have to take Saddam out to protect ourselves. Fat Man: I, for one, believe that if Saddam Hussein were an eight-year-old boy, and my penis were the United States... [the mic is retracted] then there would- [the cameraman tries to avoid the man, but nope] hard nipples! SNN Reporter: [back in the newsroom] God-damnit! [holds up the snow pattern and hisses] [News 4 field report] Field Reporter: Tom, it's been five days since three sweet boys set out to build a ladder to heaven and caption the nation's hearts. They've made a nation believe heaven might be up there. And it could prove to be a thr*at to our country. President Bush will seek UN approval for military action. [The Marsh home, day. The boys' ladder is seen rising above the house, in the backyard. In the dining room, the boys' parents sit opposite the boys at the table.] Randy: Boys, it's really neat that you want to see your old pal Kenny so much but... Gerald: But it's time for you to get back to school and on with your lives. Stan: No, we have to see Kenny! Sharon: You have to understand that Kenny's body isn't up in the clouds. He was cremated. Stan: Cremated? What's that? Randy: When you die, your body is put into a broiling oven and cooked until you're nothing but ashes. [the boys are alarmed] Kyle: What?? For God's sake, why?? Sheila: Kyle, it's just what some people do. Kyle: Are you gonna burn me? Gerald: Kyle, that's not the issue right now. Kyle: Jesus Christ! Randy: The person's ashes are put into an urn, and that's where Kenny's body is. Kenny's Mom: You see boys, Kenny is in here. [opens the urn and pours out the contents, which are white now. Mrs. McCormick notices] What the??? [looks inside the urn] Wait a minute! This is kitty litter! Cartman: [resigned, comes clean] Alright, alright, I drank the chocolate milk mix and replaced it with kitty litter. Stuart: You WHAT?? Stan: Dude, don't you know what this means? You drank Kenny! Cartman: [knowingly] Shut up! Kyle: You did, dude! You drank his whole body! Cartman: [knowingly] Shut up! Kenny's Mom: Oh my God! This is awful! [starts moving away. The other adults follow] And disgusting! Liane: [stops and looks at Cartman] Bad, Eric, bad! [moves away] Cartman: That explains it. Why I'm having Kenny's memories all the time. His soul is inside me. Stan: Well, so much for our winning ticket. Cartman probably drank that with the rest of Kenny! [leaves the table] Kyle: Yeah. Good job, fatass! [leaves the table] Cartman: I can't live like this. I, I have to find a place where they remove living souls from your body. [Day, Unplanned Parenthood, a place where they remove living souls from a pregnant woman's body, if you believe fetuses have souls... Cartman speaks to the nurse, who is sitting behind a desk writing absentmindedly] Cartman: Looks like I've come to the right place. Nurse: Can I help you? Cartman: Yes, hello. I have a living thing inside of me that needs to be sucked out, please. Nurse: You'll have to make an appointment; the charge is two hundred and thirty dollars. Cartman: Two hundred and thirty dollars?? I just want you to vacuum him out of me and not put him up in a condominium! [a woman and her boyfriend enter the clinic. The woman sobs] Boyfriend: It's gonna be okay, babe. Cartman: Listen, lady! You've got to get this crap out of me! [the woman can't believe what she's hearing] I don't want him in me anymore! Just suck him up and throw him out! Woman: Oh Steven, I can't go through with this! I have to keep it! [walks away from the clinic] Steven: Damnit! Damnit! [turns and walks off, then looks back in] Thanks a lot, kid! [throws a rock at Cartman] Cartman: Ey! [becomes catatonic once more, and another flashback comes] [The scene is the sidewalk. Stan, Cartman and Kyle run up to Kenny] Cartman: Kenny! Kenny! Stan: Kenny! Lolly's Candy Land is giving away a shopping spree! [the last few words echo a few times] Kyle: We're all gonna pitch in on an entry! [the last few words echo a few times. Fast forward to the day the boys are at Lolly's] Lolly: [hands a ticket stub to Stan] There you go. Hold on to that ticket stub. [gives the ticket to Stan and walks off] Stan: [hands the stub to Cartman] You hold on to this, Cartman. I might lose it. Cartman: [takes it, then hands it to Kyle] Nah, I'll lose it for sure. You keep track of it, Kyle. Kyle: Okay. [takes it, then has second thoughts] N-no, ah I don't want that much responsibility. Here, you hold on to it, Kenny. [hands the stub to Kenny] Kenny: (Okay.) [takes it and pockets it. Fast forward to some time later, on the sidewalk] Cartman: You'd better not lose that ticket, Kenny, or else I'll kick you in the nuts! The nuts! The nuts! [fast forward to Kenny's room. He walks to a locked box by the window while looking at the ticket stub. He unlocks it, puts the ticket in, and locks the box again.] [Back to the present. Cartman comes to and knows where to go] Cartman: The ticket! Kenny didn't have it on him when he died! He put it away somewhere! [walks up to a couple filling out paperwork] Don't you see? I can still have my candy shopping spree! Oh my God! [heads out the door] You guys! YOU GUYS!! [The United Nations, day. In the main hall President Bush is speaking to the Assembly] Bush: Ladies and gentlemen of the UN, we have evidence that Saddam Hussein is up there building w*apon of mass destruction. [shows a picture of the ladder and another one of the clouds. Both pictures have areas circled in] We have tried to communicate with Saddam through a psychic to ask him to let us see his warehouses in heaven. But he has not responded. Indian Ambassador: Of course he has not responded, because he's d*ad! Bush: Right. d*ad, and in heaven. Another Ambassador: This is preposterous! Even if there was a heaven, what makes you think Saddam Hussein's soul would be sent there? Bush: Our intelligence tells us that when Saddam was originally k*lled, his soul actually went to hell. But while in hell he began a h*m* relationship with Satan, the Prince of Darkness. Satan, however, decided he didn't want to be with Hussein anymore and broke up with him about August. [the French Ambassador has tuned out] When Saddam became jealous and tried to k*ll Satan's new lover, Chris, Satan had Saddam sent to heaven to live with Mormons as a punishment. [the assembly is overcome with silence] Question? [more silence. An amabassador raises his hand] Yes? Another Ambassador: Are you high, or just incredibly stupid? Bush: I assure you, I am not high. [South Park, day. A tower has gone up around the ladder at the Marsh house. Helicopters and cranes hoist. On the ground Stan and Kyle sit on some lumber watching the military take over the construction. Cartman runs up to them] Cartman: You guys! You guys! I saw the ticket! [Stan and Kyle rise and line up on either side of Cartman] Kyle: What do you mean, fatass? Cartman: I just had another vision, you buttholes. Kenny didn't keep the ticket with him, he put it away somewhere. Stan: Where?? Cartman: I don't know. I got conked in the head down at the abortion clinic [Kyle looks down at the lumber, then looks at the pile behind him] and I clearly saw Kenny putting the ticket in a little red box. [Kyle fishes around for a small solid piece of lumber, then finds one and aims it at Cartman's head] I just have to wait for another vision to come. I could clearly see through Ken- [thunk] AY! [is dazed for a bit, then recovers none too pleased, then glares at Kyle] Kyle: Do you see anything? Cartman: Yes, Kyle. I see a d*ad JEW! [starts at Kyle, but Stan holds him back] Stan: Whoawhoawhoa! Maybe Kyle's right. We gotta spark the vision somehow. Cartman: Not by giving me brain damage! Stan: Do you want a candy shopping spree or not?! Cartman: [stares at Stan, then resigns to his former position] Alright, go ahead. [Kyle rears back and swings... thunk] AY!... no. [Kyle rears back and swings... thunk] AY!... [Near the back of the house. The neighbors are watchng the construction. Sharon and Sheila arrive] Sharon: Randy! Gerald! We, we were wrong about heaven! The Japanese just reached it with their ladder! Randy: What? [follows the ladies out with Gerald] [Living room, seconds later] Sharon: See for yourself! [the SNN Japanese correspondent is on camera] SNN Correspondent: This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting rive from hayben. [behind him is a set with clouds hanging from wires. Angels swing into place slowly] The great a-nation of Japan reached a-hayben today about eight o'crock Pacific Standard Time-eh. [one of the angels falls off her rope and hits the ground. The correspondent sees this and moves in front of her to block the sh*t. Someone enters the sh*t and plants a Japanese flag among the clouds] Therefore hayben is now a-decrared an official part of Japan, because we got a-here first. And now for the weather in heaben, let's go to Natsako Semu. Natsako Semu: Todeh weather in hebon, partry croudy. Nobunaga: [fairly gloating] That's the news from heben. [the set creaks behind him and falls down, showing the studio.] Dame! Dame da! Bakayarou da!! ["No good! It's no good! Idiots!"] [Living room, seconds later] Randy: Oh God, and we told our boys they'd never reach heaven. Gerald: Kids! [Backyard. The crowd in and around the yard is immense now. George Bush and his staff are present] Bush: Good. As soon as the boys finish their ladder we'll be ready to take Saddam out. Sharon: Do you really think this is a good idea, Randy? Randy: If Saddam is building w*apon, we have to stop him. With our w*apon. [behind the crowd Cartman, Stan and Kyle return with buckets of candy. That conking finally worked] Stan: Ah, excuse me everyone! Uh, we're not working on the ladder anymore. Thank you, we're done. [everyone turns to look at the boys] Some Guy: Dude. George Bush: Not working on the ladder? But the Japanese won't let us use theirs. Kyle: Kenny didn't have the ticket stub. It was in his room. So we got all our candy, and you can all go home. Randy: Wait, are you saying that you boys only wanted to build a ladder to heaven so you could get some candy?? Cartman: ...I've never heard the words "only" and "candy" in the same sentence before. Field Reporter: But... what about yoru lost friend? What about your fragile innocence and believing we could all get to heaven? Stan: Yeah, well people make us kids believe that heaven is this white place with fluffy clouds and angels... Kyle: Yeah, but now we think maybe heaven isn't a place you can get to, maybe heaven is just an idea. A frame of mind or, or something gay like that. Maybe heaven... is this moment, right now. General: So, you're saying we should b*mb this moment, right now. Right! Johnson! Johnson: Sir! Randy: No, no. We shouldn't b*mb anybody. These boys are right. The only heaven we can hope for is one here on earth, now. We should stop waiting to get into heaven and start trying to... create it. Crowd: Awwww. [the crowd begins to disperse and people begin to cry in appreciation] Bush: [moving off with his staff] And I was dumb enough to believe Saddam could actually be up there buildin' b*mb. Alan Jackson: Where were you when they decided heaven was a more intangible idea 'n you couldn't, you couldn't really get there? [walks up to the boys] You little bastards ruined my latest song! [drives his guitar into the snow, breaking it, then walks away] Kyle: Well, I'm sure glad this is all over with. Let's go count our candy. Stan: Yeah. But what about Kenny. His soul is still in Cartman's body. Cartman: [chuckles] No no, I just drank his memories. I'm not sharing my body with that poor piece of crap. Stop calling me poor, you fat dick! [looks stunned] ...Oh Jesus Christ. Kyle: Whoa. [shakes Cartman around] Kenny, you in there? Cartman: Stop it! Where am I, you guys? Oh God! [runs off] Stan: Dude, come back here! [chases after Cartman] Kyle: Stop him, Kenny! [follows them off. The camera suddenly pans up] [Heaven. w*apon of mass destruction are seen among the clouds. Saddam is right there shouting directions] Saddam Hussein: Keep those nitrogen capsules over there by the warheads! Right. Chop-chop. Come on! God: [a bright beam of light lands on Saddam, who shields his eyes] Saddam. I've been hearing rumors that you're secretly building w*apon of mass destruction up here. Saddam Hussein: w*apon of mass destruction? Nooo! This is a chocolate chip factory. See? [displays boxes of "Saddam's Heavenly Chocolate Chips"] God: It looks like a chemical w*apon plant. Saddam Hussein: Look, God, if I was gonna secretly build a chemical w*apon plant, I wouldn't make it look like a chemical w*apon plant, would I? I'd make it look like a chocolate chip factory or something. God: ...Alright, just checking. [removes the beam of light] Saddam Hussein: [giggles] Stupid assh*le! [goes back to work] [End of A Ladder to Heaven]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x12 - A Ladder To Heaven"}

foreverdreaming

[Stan's house, night. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stand in the living room in costume] Stan: O Great Wizard of Gregendath. What quest do you ask of this Ranger and Paladin? Cartman: Only one thing can save our kingdom. You must bring me: a piece of pecan pie with toffee ice cream and magic shell. Hurry now! Kyle: That quest sucks, Cartman! Think of another one! Randy: [entering] Uh, boys, [the boys look up] Butters' parents want to borrow the Lord of the Rings video we rented. Could you take it over to them? Stan: You're sending us on... a quest? You ask of us to take the one video to the House of Butters? Randy: Yeah, whatever. Cartman: It shall be a long journey with many dangers on the way. Kyle: But if the tape must be brought to the House of Butters, who else can do it? Stan: [reaches out and receives the tape] Very well, we shall embark on this quest immediately, father! Come, warriors! The Boys: Ho! [they head out the front door. Randy moves away from the stairs and towards Sharon on the sofa] Randy: [snuggles up to her] Hmmm, that gets rid of them. Sharon: Ooo, you're a little frisky, aren't you? Randy: Yeah, well uh, the Lord of the Rings wasn't the only thing I rented from the video store. [holds up a VHS case] I also rented... a p*rn. Sharon: Oho, you little devil. Randy: [softly, sensually] Youuu wanna go watch? [The neighborhood streets, night. The boys are well into their quest] Stan: How shall we journey to the house of Butters? Through the mines of Endor or over the mountains of Grog? Kyle: [notices something and gasps] Look out! Here comes the great dragon of Perengraph! Cartman: Don't worry! I am the great wizard Motortart. I can shield us from the dragon's f*re. [a car passes by and Cartman fires away at it with his staff] Stan: Good job, wizard. Cartman: And so the party journeyed onward: the great Wizard, the skillful Ranger, and the covetous Jew. Kyle: I'm a Paladin, Cartman! Cartman: Jews can't be Paladins. [Stan's house, night. As the kid journey, Randy and Sharon are in their room getting ready for a night of p*rn. Sharon appears in a ruby lingerie, leans suggestively against the doorway of the master bathroom and runs her finger along the bedroom wall. Randy takes the p*rn to the TV] Sharon: Hey there, cowboy. Randy: [holds up the video and turns to Sharon] You ready for some hot, steamy fun? Sharon: [smiling, right index finger against her chin] You bet I am! Randy: The guys at the office told me I had to rent this p*rn. They said "this is without a doubt thee hottest p*rn ever made." [puts the video into the player] Sharon: [now reclining on the bed, running her finger along the bedsheets] Mmm, sounds good. Randy: I love that lingerie. [opens his nightgown to reveal a purple cod piece, then in a low voice] Yeah. You like that? Sharon: Mm, yeah baby. Randy: Yeeaahhh. [reclines on the bed, facing her and holding the remote control] Alright, you ready? Sharon: Ready? Randy: Oh yeah. [they turn to the TV. Randy starts the video] Narrator: [the video begins.Randy massages Sharon's arm] The story begins in ages past, in the deep regions of Middle Earth, where Scorn first thrived in the kingdom of Gelgelar. Randy: Aw man, I hate when p*rn try to have a story. Narrator: Seven rings were cast and given to the races of men. Randy: Oh yeah. [begins caressing Sharon] Narrator: Seven, to the races of elves, five to the gloondock villagers of Gelgendor. [Sharon takes a good look at the video] Sharon: Wow, the production values are really good in this p*rn. [Randy takes a look] Randy: Yeah, it almost looks like... the Lord of the... [jumps up and sits on the bed, aghast] OH MY GOD! <>[quickly rises and turns off the TV, gets the video out, and reads] This is Lord of the Rings!! Sharon: But then that means...! Randy: The boys have the hottest p*rn ever made! [Night, Butters' house. The boys approach. Kyle knocks, Mr. Stotch answers, Mrs. Stotch arrives a moment later] Chris: Oh, hello boys. Stan: My father has asked that we bring you this copy of Lord of the Rings. Chris: Well, thank you very much, kind heroes. Cartman: Perhaps a reward is in order. Gold? Frankensteincense? Chris: Oh, but you are noble heroes! We know our thanks is enough. [closes the door. The boys leave] Cartman: Man, that's crap. [Butters' house, basement. Butters is drawing something on paper. His parents descend with video in hand] Chris: Butters, [Butters stands up] look what we have for you to watch: the Lord of the Rings. Butters: [rushes up to meet his parents] Oh, boy! Finally I get to see it! Linda: Now Daddy and I have to do our taxes, so you can watch this by yourself and not get scared? Butters: Ah I won't get scared, Mom. Promise! Chris: That's our man. Here you go. [hands the tape to Butters, who goes to the VCR and puts the tape in. The parents leave] Butters: Ooh la lolly! I finally get to see, the Lord of the- Rings. [the video begins to play. A man and a woman are heard] Man: [softly] Spank that ass [a few seconds later, a spanking is heard] Butters: Whoa. [more sounds from the video] Neato. [more sounds, a few spankings] Well, this is good. [The Marsh car. Randy drives, Sharon worries. They have donned pajamas and thrown on coats] Sharon: Oh my God, this is gonna be so embarassing. "Hi Chris, Hi Linda. We were just wondering if we could get our p*rn back." [buries her face in her right hand] Randy: Calm down, maybe the boys haven't gotten there yet. [The woods, night. As Randy and Sharon head for Butters' house, the boys walk home through backwoods] Cartman: And so the party returns home after completing their great quest. Stan: The one tape was returned and South Park was again at peace. [a few second later some headlights shine on them] Kyle: Quick! A monster of Rivendell! Cartman: Prepare for battle! [switch to the car] Sharon: The boys! [Randy drives up to the boys and stops. Both he and Sharon jump out and rush up to them] Randy: Boys! Boys! [stops] Where's the videotape? Stan: We gave it to the parents of Butters as commanded by you. Sharon: Awgh, I gues we have to go talk to 'em now. Randy: Wellll, wait a minute, uhhh, boys, do you think you can go get that tape back for us really fast? [the boys look at each other] Cartman: This sounds like a really important quest. Randy: Yes, it is. It is more important than anything I've ever asked you to do. You must retrieve the tape. But do not look at it, uh, for it ...holds an evil power! Retrieve the tape, and return it to us at home. [falling into a fantasy accent] Do this, and you will be greatly rewarded. Stan: Woww. Cartman: This... is so cool. Kyle: [turns left] Gentlemen, we are OFF! [the boys turn back to walk to Butters' house. Randy watches them leave] Randy: [rises and looks at Sharon] Okay, problem solved. [Butters' house, moments later. Butters is looking at more of the video. Steamy action is heard] Wonan: ...Oh my God, I'm so... Mmmm, mmm... Butters: Oh golly. [his legs part and he points to his crotch] Hey, what's happening down there? [the basement door is heard opening and closing. Butters is fascinated by his body's reaction. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman come down the stairs. Cartman reaches for his crotch for tactile inspection] Stan: We have come to reclaim the one tape! [Butters sits up and Kyle goes for the tape.] Butters: [walks up to Kyle] Wha, wha, what are you doing?! [Kyle removes it and puts it into the LotR case it came in] Kyle: [walks off. Butters is saddened] The Queen and King of Stan's's house wish the Lord of the Rings returned to them. Butters: M-but it's the greatest movie I have ever seen. You guys were right. Lord of the Rings IS awesome. Eh, you have to let me finish watching it. Cartman: Nay, Butters! The one tape must be brought back to Stan's's house! [the boys head up the stairs and out of the house. Butters opens the door and jumps at them.] [Butters' house, outside.] Butters: BWAAAGH! [falls on his face, then quickly gets up and retreats] Kyle: Butters! We said you can't watch it! We have a quest! Butters: Well then, then let me go with you. Kyle: Okay, fine Butters. But if you're gonna hang out with us, you have to play like Lord of the Rings. [Little does Kyle know what Butters' idea of LotR is. The boys turn to walk away] Butters: Wuh, okay. [Butters jumps on Kyle's left arm and starts making love to it] Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, yeah. Kyle: [glares at Butters] Butters, what the hell are you doing?! Butters: [a bit surprised] Playing Lord of the Rings. [resumes the love-making] Ugh, wegh, oh yeah. Kyle: [smacks Butters with the tape, causing him to fall off] Get the hell off me! You're a freak, Butters! You can't play with us! Butters: [on hands and knees, with renewed determination] Wah let me have the tape! Stan: [takes the tape from Kyle] No, we have to return it! [the boys turn to walk away again. Butters crawls a few inches] Butters: My movie! [sorrowfully reaches out for it with left hand] My awesome cool movie. My... preciousss. [The woods, night. The boys retrace their steps through the backwoods] Cartman: And so the tape was again retrieved to be brought back to Stan's's house. Kyle: This copy of Lord of the Rings made the young Butters behave quite awfully. Stan: Yeah, and mine parents were acting strange about it, too. Cartman: Perhaps the one videotape has some power we have not foreseen. [three older boys ride up on their bikes and stop before the group. It's the sixth graders.] Sixth Grader 1: [gets off his bike and approaches the boys] Well well well! If it isn't Robin Hood and he Merry Men! Kyle: Oh, crap, the sixth graders! Sixth Grader 1: Whatcha got there? Stan: Nothing. [the sixth grader rips the tape out of Stan's hand] Hey kid! Sixth Grader 1: [looks at the case] Lord of the Rings? Ha! That movie's gay! Cartman: You're gay! Sixth Grader 1: [opens the case and looks at the tape] What the? [reads the title: "Back Door Sluts 9" XXX] Whoa! [backs up to show the tape to his friends] Check it out, you guys! Sixth Graders 2 and 3: Whoa! Stan: Give it back! We're on a quest to return it to my parents! Sixth Grader 1: [approaches menacingly with the tape. Stan backs up] No way! We're keepin' this and watchin' it ourselves! Kyle: You can't keep it. Sixth Grader 1: And what are three little fourth graders gonna do about it, huh?! Stan: There's four of us! Kenny's soul is still trapped in Cartman's body! Cartman: Yeah! Sixth Grader 1: Oh man, I can't wait to see this! Kyle: [aside to Stan]Dude, that video is making people act strange. Cartman: The one tape must be returned! [swats the tape out of the sixth grader's hands with the staff and watches as the tape falls into Stan's hands] Run! [the boys run away from the sixth graders] Sixth Grader 1: Get 'em! [his two friends ride off after the boys. He picks up his bike and joins his friends] [Butters' house. The Marshes have arrived, and Randy knocks on the door. Chris answers the door again] Chris: Oh, hello Randy, Sharon. Randy: Uh Chris, are the boys over here? Linda: No, just Butters. He's been watching the Lord of the Rings downstairs. Sharon: Oh dear! Chris: What's the matter? Randy: We... [now nervous] well, this is really sort of funny, but uh, we, we accidently put a... p*rn in the Lord of the Rings box. [Sharon shrugs, and both of them smile sheepishly] Linda: Ohh Godd!! [the Stotches panic and rush downstairs. The Marshes follow] [Butters' basement. The adults enter. The TV is still on, but there's no picture. Butters isn't around] Chris: Butters? Linda: Butters? [they notice the television] Butters! Butters: [peeks out from behind the sofa, in the shadow, then speaks in a raspy voice] The preciousss? [his parents turn to see hm] Could you bring back my preciousss? Chris: Butters, where is the movie you were watching? Butters: [crawls out into view] They took his precious, took it away to watch without him. [sits up and puts his hands on his knees] He was really enjoying that movie, too! My... precious. Randy: The boys must've come and saw what it was and... then taken it away somewhere. Sharon: [gravely] Oh no. [Chris and Linda look back at them] [The woods, later. The camera moves from a clearing to a tree with a large root shading a pocket underneath. The boys come into view] Kyle: We can't let those sixth graders get their hands on this videotape. Cartman: I must say I agree. If this copy of the Lord of the Rings is tainted, it would not be safe in the wrong hands. Sixth Grader 1: [nearby, off screen] I smell fourth graders! Stan: Oh crap, dude! Kyle: Hide! [they jump over the massive root and hide in the pocket underneath. The lead sixth grader comes into view and sniffs the air. He hops off and looks around over the root. The boys look up in apprehension. The sixth grader sniffs around above them.] Sixth Grader 2: [off screen] Hey. [the lead sixth grader whips around and goes to see who it is. It's his friend, in brown cap] I think I see something down the hill. [the lead sixth grader looks in that direction, then the sixth graders take off. The boys express relief after a few seconds] Stan: Ogh. [Cartman sighs silently] Kyle: Phew. The one videotape is sought after indeed. Stan: Yeah. Butters, my parents, now the sixth graders. Cartman: [rises and moves off] Come, guys. We must bring this all to the attention of the High Elf of Paragon. Kyle: Yeah, the High Elf. He'll know what to do. [the boys leave the pocker] [Kyle's house, night. The boys' parents are all gathered in the living room.] Randy: [debriefing Gerald and Sheila] And so that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... p*rn videotape. Sheila: Oh God, this, this is horrible! Gerald: All right, calm down. Now, just how bad of a p*rn tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like Crotch Capers 3? Randy: I'm a...fraid it was... Back Door Sluts 9. [he and Sharon hang their heads in shame] Gerald, Chris: Back Door Sluts 9??? Linda: Is that bad? Chris: Back Door Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2! Gerald: Ih, it is the single most vile, twisted, dark piece of p*rn ever made. [Sheila gets angrier by the word] Sheila: [slaps him] How the hell do you know?! Gerald: [shakily] I, uh, I I I read about it in People. Sheila: [now facing the Marshes] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?! Sharon: We're sorry. Liane: Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film. Sheila: Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing! Randy: It it can't hurt 'em that much, can it? Butters: [pops up outside and taps on a window] Preciousss. [the adults turn to see the window] Let me see my preciousss. [slides down the window and out of view] Plee-ee-ee-ease! [the adults just look on] [Stan, Kyle, and Cartman arrive at a house. Stan rings the doorbell twice, but no answer.] Cartman: [waves his left hand around] Open. [nothing. He waves his left hand again] Bellog. [the door opens and Clyde appears] Clyde: What do you guys want? Stan: We must speak with the High Elf of Paragon. Clyde: Oh. Okay, hang on a second. [steps back and closes the door, then reopens the door. He is now dressed as an elf. His staff is a small hoe] What troubles you? Kyle: We have in our possession something of great power. [pulls out the videotape] It is... the Lord of the Rings. Clyde: So? I have three copies. And the DVD with twelve hours of extra footage. Stan: Yes, but this is not a- [stops, then reacts] Wow, twelve hours? ...Yes, but this is not a normal copy. It's making people act really strange. [hands the tape to Clyde] Cartman: We're seriously, High Elf. Something very evil lurks in this tape. Clyde: Very well, I shall call the council together. Meet me in the Woods of Gathering behind Talangar the Black's house. And don't let my mom see you, 'cause I'll get in trouble. Cartman: Thank you, High Elf of Paragon. Clyde: Faragon, assh*le! [closes the door. The boys leave the house and walk off] Cartman: Clyde's a dick. [A parking lot in town, night. A bunch of kids are gathered there on their bikes. The lead sixth graders hops onto a car and gets the others' attention.] Sixth Grader 1: Alright, everybody listen up! There's three snot-nosed little fourth graders out there who have a p*rn called Back Door Sluts 9. Other Sixth Graders: Oooooo! Sixth Grader 1: I checked it out on the Internet, and it said that Back Door Sluts 9 is thee most hard-core p*rn ever made! Other Sixth Graders: Ahhhhh! Sixth Grader 1: I have amassed this army of sixth graders to get the tape by any means necessary! Now, let's go get that p*rn!! [the sixthh graders scream and charge out into the night on their bikes] [Token's mansion, backyard, night. Very leafy backyard indeed. The camera moves from a sh*t of the moon to a sh*t of all the fourth grade boys seated around a small table.] Clyde: And so that is the situation. The video may or may not have evil power. Kyle, would you bring it up here, please? [Kyle gets up, walks to the table, and stands the tape on it] Other boys: Ahhh. Jimmy: That video could have been made by Sauron's evil f- ...forces. Craig: It could hold a mental spell of some kind. Kevin: [wearing a Star Wars Imperial storm trooper helmet] Perhaps we could use it to strengthen our star cruisers. [the kids look at him. One sh*t has Tweek wearing a large coffee tin on his head, Pip dressed as an elf, a kindergartner wearing a Fett helmet, then one of Stan, Kyle, and Cartman] Cartman: Kevin, God-damnit! [Kevin looks around, then hops off his chair and leaves] Clyde: Look, until we see this tape's power for ourselves, we cannot risk giving it to anybody. Stan: But if we watch it, we could fall under its spell, too. Clyde: That is true. Only a Paladin with a high constitution should watch the tape. Therefore, I think it is a job for you, Talangar the Black. Token: [thinks about this, then leaves his seat] I am not scared. I'll go inside and watch the tape, [reaches the table and gets the tape] just for a few seconds. If I do not return in two minutes, send a party in after me. [walks towards the house] The fate of Middle Earth... is in my hands. [reaches the sliding door and enters the house, closing the door behnd him] [The neighborhood. The sixth graders come into view on their bicycles making all sorts of noise] Sixth Grader 1: Fourth graders! Give us that p*rn! [they go out of view. A moment later the Marsh car comes into view] Sharon: Boys? [the Broflovskis are in the back seat] Sheila: [with her head out the window] Boys, we're not mad at you. We just wanna talk to you. [behind them is the Stotch car] [Token's mansion, backyard. The boys wait for Token's verdict] Cartman: Talangar the Black returns from watching the video. [the other boys stir] Clyde: What vice did you see on the videotape, Talangar? Is it the work of Sauron's magic? [Token returns to the table and places the tape there] Token: I'm not playing anymore. [walks off] Stan: [steps forward] Uh well wait, what'd you see? Token: [stops and turns] I don't know, I don't wanna know. I'm out. [claps his hands, then walks back into the house, sliding the door open and closed. The boys look on] Cartman: My God, this thing must really be powerful. [the boys turn to look at the tape] Kyle: This tape makes people freak out wherever it goes. Stan: What do we do with it? Clyde: One thing for sure, this tape cannot be trusted with anybody. This must be returned to the video store from whence it came. Jimmy: Well where is the videotape rented from? Kyle: [picks up the tape and looks for the store name] Two Towers Video Store. Ih in Conifer. Tweek: Conifer?? Walking there would take hours! Clyde: There's no alternative. We have to return the tape before it causes more damage! Kindergartner: I'll go. Clyde: Ha! We cannot trust something of that much power to a dwarf! Especially a kindergartner dwarf. [all the boys begin to chatter, nominating who should return the video] Craig: You're too young. Cartman: Quiet! Jimmy: You guys, this is stupid. Cartman: You're acting like a bunch of assholes! Stan: I will take it! [the boys quiet down and Stan approaches the table. He takes the tape in hand. Cartman closes his eyes in meditation] I will walk to the video store. Clyde: It is too far and too dangerous to go alone. Take with you the wizard [Cartman], the dwarf [the kindergartner], the warrior [Craig], the cleric [Jimmy], and the Jew [Kyle]. Kyle: [flashes anger] Paladin! Clyde: Very well. You shall be the Fellowship of the Lord of the Rings. Good luck. I have to go home now before I get in trouble. Tweek: Me too. Other boys: [agreeing] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Craig: Only the six of us are to go? Stan: No no, there's seven of us. Kenny's soul is still trapped in Cartman's body, remember? Cartman: Yeah, stupid. [higher pitch] Yeah. Luckily, Cartman's body is big enough for the both of us. [a bit lower] Shut up, Kenny. [Kenosha Pass, snowing. The boys walk along the highway through the pass] Narrator: So it was that the heroes traveled many miles to return the Lord of the Rings to the video store. Kyle: We have reached the Great Pass of Mount Ururalak. Craig: Look out! [a small avalanche of snow appears in front of them] Kyle: [gasps a little] We were almost k*lled. Cartman: A dark wizard must be trying to stop us! Stan: True. Someone or something doesn't want this video returned to the video store. [Token's mansion. The boys' parents are at the front door. The front door opens and Token's parents appear] Token's Father: Oh. Hello everybody. Gerald: Steve, uh, we heard that a bunch of the kids were over here a little while ago. Token's Mother: Well yes, I believe they were, but they've gone. What's the matter? Randy: We think our boys might be showing other chiildren a, uh, ...p*rn tape. Steve: Wha? But Token's never seen a p*rn before. He wouldn't know what to- Oh God! [rushes to look for Token] Token's Mother: Token! [the other parents rush in] [The dining room table. Token sits alone on one of the many seats there. The adults arrive] Token's Mother: Token? Did the boys come over and.. show you a movie? [no answer] Steve: Token? [no answer, long pause] Alright, Token. We know you must be very confused about what you saw. [no response, long pause] Randy: [kneels next to Token] Yes, uh... you see, Token... that was called a p*rn film uh, ih it shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse. [no response, long pause] Well, ya, you see, when a, when a man and a woman fall in love, the the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. It's called love-making, and it's part of being in love. Token: [no response, long pause] ...And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love too? [no response] Five midgets, spanking a man... covered in Thousand Island dressing. Is that making love? Steve: Jesus, what kind of p*rn is that?? Gerald: It was Back Door Sluts 9. Steve: Oh, Jesus, not that one! [his wife gives him an angry look] Sheila: Oh, Gerald, poor Kyle must be just as confused and scared as this poor kid. Gerald: Uh Token, this is very important: do you know where the boys went with the naughty tape? [Bailey town limit. The boys arrive there] Craig: We're entering the limits of Bailey. Everyone stay close. Stan: Perhaps the Great Ringworm of Bailey is about. Kindergartner: Ringworms are no match for a dwarf. Cartman: Guys, we shall slay the Ringworm and take his bounty of treasure! [they pass a yard on which some kids are playing] For that is the way of the- Boy 1: I shall put the magic spell on you! Boy 2: I have blocked your spell, wizard! Kyle: Hey, what are you guys doing? [the Bailey kids turn and look] Boy 3: We're playing Harry Potter. Cartman: [after a few moments of thought] HA!! f*g!! [the boys moe on. They soon pass a Country Café] Kyle: [suddenly wary] You guys. Somebody is following us. Cartman: It's Butters. Kyle: Butters? Cartman: Yes. He's been following us for like two hours. [behind the six boys, at some distance, is Butters, skulking along in the shadows] Butters: The precious videotape. L-let the Butters see it. Cartman: Just ignore him - maybe he'll go away. Jimmy: Hey fellas, mind if we take a little re-rest? Cartman: There's no time for rest, sorcerer! Keep up! [the sound of sixth graders is heard in the distance. The boys look around to find the direction of the sound. The sixth graders appear in the horizon behind them and ride in quickly, screaming all the while] Jimmy: They are coming. [a sh*t of the sixth graders] You guys go on ahead. Kyle: Jimmy, are you sure? Jimmy: Go! [the other five boys take off, leaving Jimmy to face the sixth graders alone. He turns and stares down the approaching throng] You shall not! ...pah? You shall not! puh. [the sixth graders draw closer] You shall not paah. [a sh*t of the young bikers, then a distance sh*t of Jimmy, then a sh*t of the young bikers, a sh*t of Jimmy, a sh*t of the young bikers, a quick sh*t of Jimmy, then the sixth graders as they reach Jimmy] You shall not pa-! [the sixth graders take sh*ts at him as they pass by. He falls and gets up] You shall not paah! [struck down again, rises, is struck down, rises...] You shall not puh-uh-uh [falls again. The last of the sixth graders passes by, and Jimmy stands up, all b*at up, with tire tracks and bruises on his face and a black eye] You shall not pass. [falls down] [A river, further along the quest. Stan looks back to see about Jimmy.] Stan: Jimmy didn't stop them! Kyle: They're gonna take the Lord of the Rings from us. Cartman: Quick! Cross the river! Sixth graders can't stand water! Craig: What? That's stupid. Cartman: I'm a high-ranking white wizard, Craig, and I say sixth graders are opposed to WATER! Craig: Whatever. I'm going back to play with the Harry Potter kids. [walks off] Kindergartner: Me too. [follows Craig] Cartman: Go ahead and play Harry Butthole p*ssy Potter! Stan: Just get across the river! They're coming! [the three remaining boys scramble across the river. The sixth graders arrive. Two of them stop their tires by performing wheelies and landing their bikes back on the road. The lead sixth grader rides up between them] Sixth Grader 1: What the hell is wrong with you guys?! Get the tape! Sixth Grader 4: Dude, I don't wanna get wet. Sixth Grader 5: Yeah, I don't really like the water. Sixth Grader 2: Besides, if our bikes get wet, their chains'll rust. Sixth Grader 1: Oh God-damnit. Alright, come on. We'll find a bridge. [the bikers ride off] [The woods, later. The boys walk through it] Narrator: The quest continued to return the Lord of the Rings to the video store. Stan: Man, we should have never crossed that stupid river. Kyle: Yeah. Good job, Wizard Fatass! Now we're totally lost. Cartman: We're not lost, Jewgar of Jewlingrad, we just don't know where we are! That's what lost means, stupid! Kenny, shut your Goddamned mouth!! Stan: This is great! We're in the middle of nowhere and nobody knows what direction the video store is in! Butters: [crawls up to them] The Butters knowses. Kyle: Oh brother! Butters: The video store. Yesss. Not far from here. We can show you wheres it is. Stan: Where?! Butters: First, just let Butters sseee the precious. Kyle: No Butters. Look what it's done to you. It's made you even lamer than before. Cartman: If that was possible. Stan: Tell us how to get to the video store, Butters, or else we're gonna kick your ass! Butters: [puts up his arms to shield himself] Ha-a-a. No hurtses the Butters. [squats with his arms hanging over his knees] We will show you the way. Yesss. This way it is. [walks forward in a squatting manner] [The road. The Marshes and the Broflovskis ride in the Marsh car, with Randy driving, and Chris drives the Stotch car] Sheila: This is awful! I just know with every passing minute, little Kyle is seeing more and more depraved sex acts! Gerald: Well we'll find them. A-and then we'll try to put what they saw into context. Sharon: Look! There's one of the boys now! [before them is Jimmy, fallen and asleep in the middle of the road. Randy steps on the brakes] Jimmy! Randy: [the adults jump out of their cars and approach him] Jimmy! Jimmy! [Jimmy awakens and looks up] Where did the boys go with the p*rn tape?? Jimmy: They're taking it to the vi... the vi... the vii... Chris: Come on Jimmy, we don't have a lot of time. Jimmy: They took it back to the video s... the video s... Randy: The video sandwich? Chris: The video stockyard. Randy: What's a video stockyard, Jimmy? Jimmy: No, the video suh... the video s...tih... Gerald: Stinger? Chris: Staples. They went to the video Staples. Where's that, Jimmy? Jimmy: N-n-NO, you ret*rd! the video s...tore! Adults: THE VIDEO STORE! [they go to their cars] Sheila: Hurry! Hurry! Randy: I know where it is! [they get in their cars and peel off. When did the Broflovski station wagon arrive? Jimmy is left where he was when they arrived] [Two Towers video store. The boys arrive out of breath and head for the front door] Kyle: Oh no! They're closed! Stan: Closed?? Sixth Grader 1: [off screen] There they are! Sixth Grader 6: [the throng of sixth graders approach] Don't let them turn it back into the video store! Cartman: We're screwed. Stan: [seeing a way out of this mess] Wait. A drop box. [goes to it and pulls down the door] Quick, Kyle, drop the movie in! Kyle: Finally. [he and Cartman move towards the box. Butters looks on] It's over. Butters: [now moving] Precious. Must have our precious. Waaah! [jumps on Kyle and runs off with the tape] Kyle: Butters! No! Butters: [now in the middle of the parking lot] Nows wees hases it! [the sixth graders close in] Stan: They're coming! Kyle: [goes after Butters and tries to wrest the tape from him] It has to go back! Butters: It wantses to stay with the Butter kid. Sixth Grader 1: [a foot away] There it is! Give me that tape! [Butters holds on tight to the tape, smiling wide.] Kyle: [picks Butters up and carries him off] Let go of the tape, Butters! Butters: I'll never let go! [Stan opens the drop box and holds the door open] Kyle: Fine! [tosses him into the drop box] Butters: Precious! [Stan closes the door. The lead sixth grader leaps off his bike and rushes to the drop box] Sixth Grader 1: Nooo! [reaches in and fishes around for it] No nooo! [walks off in disgust and hits the window] Damnit! [the other sixth graders arrive] Sixth Grader 2: Aw man, now we'll never see the hot action. Sixth Grader 1: You stupid little fourth graders! Cartman: The tape is returned to which it came. Its power over you shall fade as well. Kyle: Middle Earth is again safe. Sixth Grader 1: Yeah? Well that's not gonna stop us from kicking your asses! Stan: Uh oh. [the lead sixth grader approaches punching his left fist into his right hand. The other sixth graders move in alowly. Headlights appear and a car horn sounds. The sixth graders look at the cars, as do the boys. The cars pull to a stop short of the boys] Randy: Boys! Boys! Sixth Grader 1: Crap! Parents! [gets on his bike and turns away] Come on, guys. [the sixth graders leave.] We'll see you next time, fourthies! Cartman: And perhaps they would. But for now the sixth grader army was defeated. Randy: There you are! Sheila: Oh Kyle! You're safe! Stan: Oh hey guys, uh. We were just about to come home. We had to return the video. Randy: A-alright, now, now listen, kids. There's some things we need to put into context for you. You see, a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina for both love and pleasure. But sometimes the woman lays on top of the man facing the other way so that they can put each other's genitals in their mouths. [the boys are stunned] Uh this is called "sixty-nining" and it's normal. Sharon: See boys, a woman is sensitive in her vagina and it... feels good to have a man's penis inside of it. Sheila: That's right, but sometimes a woman chooses to use other things. Telephones, staplers, magazines. It's because the nerve endings in the vagina are so sensitive, it's like a fun tickle. Gerald: Now, on to double penetration, boys. You see, sometimes when a woman has sex with more than one man, each man makes love to a different orifice. Randy: That's right. It's something adults can do with really good friends in a comfortable setting. Sheila: It's also important that you understand why some people choose to urinate on each other. Randy: Going number 1 or number 2 on your lover is something people might do, but you must make sure your partner is okay with it before you start doing it. Gerald: Okay boys. Do you have any questions? [the boys are still stunned, but one of them finally speaks] Stan: ...Wwow. [another long moment of stunned silence] Randy: Well, let's all get going. Sheila: Yeah, come on boys. Time to get home. [the adults head for their cars, but the boys stay frozen in place] Chris: [turns around. Linda does as well] Wait a minute. Where's Butters? [Two Towers video store, inside the bin behind the drop box.] Butters: [rises from the batch of videotapes that buried him] Wu-u-wees hases our preciouseses! Preciouseses! Preciouseses! [End of The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x13 - The Return Of The Fellowship Of The Ring To The Two Towers"}

foreverdreaming

[Principal Victoria's office, day. Her door opens.] Mr. Garrison: [enters with Mr. Hat on his hand] You wanted to see me, Principal Victoria? Principal Victoria: Yes, Mr. Garrison. Have a seat. [Mr. Garrison takes a seat] Mr. Garrison, sometime ago you asked to be promoted from teachng kindergarten back to the third grade. Mr. Garrison: [flatly] I'm aware of that. Principal Victoria: I wanna come clean with you and tell you that back then some of us were uncomfortable with your sexual preferences. It was wrong of us, and I want to make it up to you. Mr. Garrison: Wow, that's... really great to hear. Principal Victoria: As you know, the position of Fourth Grade teacher has become available, and we'd like to offer YOU the job. Mr. Garrison: [brightens] Oh, for real? You're not kidding? Principal Victoria: We in administration see now that you are an individual with your own preferences, and we respect that. Mr. Garrison: [rises from the chair with excitement] Hoh, this is all just... this is a dream come true! [shakes her hand] Thank you, Principal Victoria! I'll do a great jub! Principal Victoria: I know you will. [Garrison turns around and walks away smiling] Mr. Garrison: [turns around] You're sure this is for real? I mean, I'm not gonna just get fired again for being gay tomorrow. Principal Victoria: [slight chuckle] It's for real, Mr. Garrison. Mr. Garrison: [slight chuckle, turns around and walks out the door] Oh-ho, great! Principal Victoria: With all the new laws we could never f*re you for being gay now. You'd be able to sue us for millions of dollars. Mr. Garrison: Right uh- [stops in his tracks at the door's entrance, his smile turns to wonder. He turns around] Wha- ...what was that? Principal Victoria: Well, I was just saying that the policies have really changed. You know, we f*re you for acting gay next time, you'd be able to sue the school district for ...lots of money. Mr. Garrison: ...Oh right, right, right, I... Huh-... how much money, exactly? Principal Victoria: [busy doing paperwork] Oh. Well, there was the case out in Minnesota where the guy was awarded... 25 million, I think. Mr. Garrison: Yeh-you don't say. [strokes his chin] Well thanks, uh, Principal Victoria. [walks out and closes the door] Holy Moley! I've gotta find a way to get fired for being gay! [South Park Elementary] Mr. Mackey: M'kay kids, I know the past few weeks have been really hard with the death of your teacher, Ms. Choksondik. [the kids erupt in laughter] Kyle: Funny. Mr. Mackey: BUT... the principal has finally hired a teacher to take her place. So I want you all to give your best behavior to your new Fourth Grade teacher, Mr. Garrison. [the door opens and Garrison enters] Kids: AWWWW!!! Kyle: Not him! Mr. Garrison: Thank you, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Mackey: [walks toward the door] Good luck, m'kay. Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, now for those of you whoare new, my name is [writes on the board] Mr. Garrison. Butters: Where is Mr. Hat, sir? Mr. Garrison: Well, I was informed that fourth graders are a little too old for Mr. Hat. Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Two-year-olds are too old for Mr. Hat. Mr. Garrison: But it's okay because I found a new teacher's assistant. Say hello to... [the door opens again] Mr. sl*ve. [a strapping man enters. He wears a pink shirt, pale blue jeans; black leather vest, chaps and boots; police hat, strong jaw and moustache, and pouty lips] Mr. sl*ve: [preens] Hi kids. Hm. Mr. Garrison: So that's [writes on the board] Mr. sl*ve. [Mr. sl*ve poses] The teacher's assitant. [Mr sl*ve smoothes his moustache, then his hat] Or, as I like to write for short, the Teacher's Ass. Mr. sl*ve: [throws his arms forward] Oh Jesus Christ. Mr. Garrison: Okay, Mr. sl*ve. Go sit until I need you. [Mr. sl*ve goes to sit down. Garrison spanks him as he passes by] Mr. sl*ve: Ugh. Cartman: [leans towards Craig, who pays attention] Dude, I think that Mr. sl*ve guy might by a... [glances back] Pakistani. Mr. Garrison: I'm not saying the rest of the school year will be easy. In fact, it's going to be long and hard. [does motions for both words - the palms facomg each other and pulling apart, then two fists] Really long and really hard. [emphasizes the motions] Mr. sl*ve: [at a small teacher's desk reading a magazine] Oh Jesus Christ. Mr. Garrison: [gleefully] Eheh, the first thing we're gonna be learning about is communist Russia. [erases the name on the board and begins writing the topic, starting with an S] Cartman: [begins making a paper plane involuntarily] No, Kenny. What are you doing, Kenny? Mr. Garrison: [finishes writing "STALIN"] Now, Stalin was a big silly when it came to... Cartman: [finishes the plane and aims it at Mr. Garrison] Kenny, no! Don't do it, Kenny! [fires the plane off. It hits the board and falls away] Mr. Garrison: [turns around and points] Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?! Cartman: No, it was Kenny! Mr. Garrison: [arms akimbo] Very funny, Eric! Kenny's d*ad! Stan: [coming to Cartman's defense] Yeah, but Cartman drank Kenny's remains, and now Kenny's soul is trapped in Cartman's body. The Other Kids: Yeah. Mr. Garrison: That does it! I will not put up with foolishness in my class! It's time for punishmenmt! [reaches into his desk and pulls out a paddle, then strikes it against his left palm twice. He walks over to Mr. sl*ve and has him bend over] Take it Mr. sl*ve! [swats him three times on the ass] Mr. sl*ve: [moves his head around] Oh-oh. Oh it hurts. Mr. Garrison: I will [swat] NOT put up with [swat] TOMfoolery in my [swat] CLASSroom, children. [stands him up and straps a gag ball around Mr. sl*ve's face] Mr. sl*ve, put this rubber ball in your mouth. [bends Mr. sl*ve over his lap and swats him some more] Take that, Slavey! take it! [the kids look on, stunned. Mr. Garrison continues the swats] This'll get me fired for sure. [smiles] [The Marsh house, afternoon. The Tweeks, the Stotches, the Marshes, the Broflovskis, and Liane are present in the living room, seated around the coffee table.] Gerald: I really enjoyed the imagery in the last chapter of this month's book. Linda: Yes, and I really saw the entire book thematically as a take on corporate America. Randy: Well I think in the fourth chapter, when uh Nancy Drew discovers the bloody glove in the cheerleader's locker, well that uh that was just a brilliantly written passage. [Sharon sips some coffee, a door opens] Gerald: So full of metaphor. Kyle: Hey guys, can we talk to you? [with him are Stan, Cartman, Butters, and Tweek] Sheila: Oh, hi boys. Sharon: How was school? Kyle: Uhh, not cool. Sheila: That's great. We're having our book of the month club meeting, so why don't you boys go outside and play? Linda: Was it me, or did you all think that Nancy Drew solved the riddle of Elephant Mountain a little too easily? [a burst of chatter follows] Stan: No, no, he said not cool. We got our new teacher today; it's, it's Mr. Garrison, our old third grade teacher. Chris: Uh huh. Kyle: Well, he has this new teacher's assistant, and uh and they're both... totally gay. Sheila: Kyle! You know better than to discriminate against h*m*! Stan: Yeah but, these guys are really super-gay. Randy: [displeased] Aw I'm surprised at you, Stanley. I really thought you knew how to accept people for what they were. Sharon: Yeah, but Dad- Randy: No buts, Stanley! We're not raising our kids to be discriminators! Sheila: That's right! I think it's time you kids took a little trip to the Museum of Tolerance! [Gerald crosses his arms. The kids look at each other] [Museum of Tolerance, next day. A really modern building with a fountain by the entrance. The five boys and their parents arrive at the museum] Tour Guide: [a woman greeting the families inside the museum] Welcome to the Museum of Tolerance. Here we try to educate you on the dynamics of racism and prejudice in America. [Cartman yawns loudly. Liane smacks him across the back of his head] Cartman: Ey! Tour Guide: [leads them through the museum] Now, did you know that words we use can show intolerance? [leads the group to a tunnel entrance] Let's begin our tour with a walk through our Tunnel of Prejudice, to show you what it can feel like to be discriminated against. [motions for the boys to enter, and the boys enter] Voice: [the words it says appear on the walls of the tunnel as it says them, then disappear] q*eer. BEANER. CHINK. n*gg*r. HEEB. f*g. cr*cker. SLOPE. [the boys are suitably shocked as they move along the tunnel's people mover, but Cartman is grinning from ear to ear] Cartman: Aw man, this is awesome! ["JAP"] Tour Guide: [at the other end of the tunnel with the parents] Now you know how it feels. Cartman: [excited, runs up to the guide] I wanna ride again! I wanna ride again! Tour Guide: [leads them into the Hall of Stereotypes] We are now entering the Hall of Stereotypes. These wax figures represent how some intolerant people have labled minorities. [leads them to the first exhibit] Here we see a black person eating chicken and watermelon, a stereotype that hurts the African-American community. What other stereotypes do you see here? [the stereotypes are exhibits, each one with its own spotlight] Randy: [walks up to another exhibit with Stan and Kyle] Ah, here's the Arab as a t*rror1st. [the Arab is holding a Kalishnikov r*fle] Tour Guide: That's right. But of course, we know that all Arabs are terrorirsts, don we, kids? Butters: [sees a third exhibit] W-w-well there's an Asian over there with a calculator. [walks over to it. The others follow] Tour Guide: That's right. Not all stereotypes are negative. But even a positive one like "All Asians are good at math" is harmful to society. Cartman: [over at a fourth exhibit, a man cowering over a bag of money] Look, a covetous Jew! Tour Guide: [arrives with the others] Very good, young man. The idea that Jews are only interested in money is very old indeed. Randy: [notices a fifth spotlight and walks to it] Ah, here's a good one. [Stan walks up next to him] It's the stereotypical "sleepy Mexican." [a man sleeps under the spotlight sitting up next to a mop and bucket] Janitor: [wakes up] Wai-what? Oh man, what time is it? [stands up and rubs the back of his neck] Randy: [in a low voice] Oh I'm sorry. I thought you were a wax sculpture. Janitor: Naw, man. I'm the janitor. I'm s'pose to be cleaning but I'm so tire. Ongh, so sleepy. [walks off with the mop and bucket] Tour Guide: [leads them into the Tolerance Discovery Lab] This is our discovery wing. Take your time at the computer displays [they measure tolerance I.Q.], because you see, being tolerant you must also respect people who are small, people who are disabled, even people who are overweight, [moves her arms towards Cartman] like this young man here. Cartman: Ey! Tour Guide: You other boys have probably called this young man names like "tubby," or "lardbutt," or "fat tits,"... Kyle: "Fat tits." That's a good one. Stan: Yeah, I have to remember that. Tour Guide: But you must learn to be tolerant of his differences as well. If he chooses to eat fatty foods, that's his life choice. Cartman: [strokes his chin and tries something out] I'm not fat, I have a different life choice. Tour Guide: And we won't belittle you for eating lots of cookies and cakes and pies. Cartman: Duhuhude, tolerance kicks ass! [the adults chuckle] Randy: That's our Cartman. [Cartman grins] [Museum of Tolerance, outside.] Tour Guide: Well, that's the end of our tour. Randy: Now do you see why tolerance is so important, boys? Stan: I guess. Tour Guide: We have to accept people for who they are and what they like to do. [notices someone nearby] Hey! What the hell are you doing? [it's a man smoking on the edge of the fountain] Smoker: Oh I was just uh- Tour Guide: There's no smoking in the museum! Smoker: But I'm not in the museum. Tour Guide: Get out of here, you filthy smoker! [the smoker rises and walks off] Gerald: Yeah, dirty lungs! Sharon: Go ahead and k*ll yourself, stupid tar-breath! Chris: Dumbass! Richard: Get out of here! [the smoker walks out of view] Tour Guide: Well, have a great day, everybody. Chris: Now you boys can go and give your teacher and assistant the respect they deserve. Right? The Boys: Yeah. [South Park Elementary, day, Garrison's class. Mr. Garrison enters, having previously set up a chemistry experiment on the teacher's desk.] Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. Uh, apparently, none of you tried to get me fired yesterday, so I guess we're just gonna have to go on and learn more today. [sits on a corner of the desk] Now who can tells me what happens to water when we heat it up in the Bunsen burner? Butters: It evaporates. Mr. Garrison: Good, Butters. Now if we take the glass tube of the Bunsen burner, we can also see how other things react. [takes the tube in hand and walks over to Mr. sl*ve] Evaporation is an exothermic reaction, so let's look at an endothermic one. Mr. sl*ve, position 7 please. [Mr. sl*ve looks up from his magazine, then assumes the position over his little desk and lowers his pants enough to show his ass] Now I'm gonna put the glass tube under Mr. sl*ve's tight ass. [steps backwards and inserts the tube. Mr. sl*ve starts to moan] The heat from Mr. sl*ve's ass will act as our new conductor of energy Mr. sl*ve: AAH. Mr. Garrison: Okay, now Butters, could you bring over Lemmiwinks for me please? Butters: Sure. [smiles and goes to get Lemmiwinks] Stan: [sensing what's about to happen] Oh, no, noo, no no no no. Mr. Garrison: [gets Lemmiwinks from Butters] Newton was the first to discover that for every action there's a reaction - thank you Butters. Now what do you think is gonna happen when I introduce the element of the gerbil to the endothermic heat of Mr. sl*ve's ass? [the kids are all aghast] Well let's see. [lifts up the Bunsen tube and sends the gerbil on its way down] Mr. sl*ve: AAH. [the gerbil enters Mr. sl*ve's lower intestine and comes across the skeleton of another gerbil. It turns back immediately and runs for the a**l opening. Mr. Garrison pulls the tube out and the sphincter snaps shut, trapping the gerbil inside. It tries to claw its way out] AAH. [moves his head around] Dude! Jesus Christ! AAH! Butters: [realizing what just happened] Lemmiwinks? NO! [South Park Elementary, lunch time. The kids go for their lunches] Chef: Hello there, children! The Boys: Hey Chef. Chef: How's it goin'? Kyle: Bad. Chef: Why bad? Stan: Chef, we're intolerant. [b*at] Chef: ...Intolerant of who? Kyle: Gays, I guess. Chef: Now why do you wanna go be intolerant of gay people, children? [arms akimbo] I thought you knew better. Stan: Well we didn't think we were, but Mr. Garrison has this new assistant, and we're really uncomfortable around him. Chef: Children, a lot of times the reason get uncomfortable around gay people is that they have some issues themselves. You have to ask yourself, "What is it about their behavior that, for some reason, makes me unconfortable?" Kyle: Well, I guess it's mostly the way Mr. Garrison stuck a gerbil up Mr. sl*ve's ass. Chef: Right. And you see, children, that's why you need to- Whoa! What?! Stan: Are we h*m* now? Kyle: We don't wanna be gaybashers, Chef. Chef: Children, there's a BIG difference between gay people and Mr. Garrison! Do you understand that?? Stan: N-no? Chef: You children just take your lunches. I'm gonna have a talk with the principal. Cartman: I'll take three lunches today, please. Chef: You don't need three lunches, Eric! You're fat enough as it is! : It is my life choice, Chef, and if you don't tolerate it I'll report you to the SEC. [Chef is puzzled] [Fourth Grade classroom. The chemistry equipment has been cleared away from the teacher's desk. Mr. Garrison and Mr. sl*ve are in the classroom] Mr. Garrison: That was a brilliant idea, having me put a gerbil up your ass, Mr. sl*ve. [laughs] Now we'll get fired for sure! Mr. sl*ve: [nonchalantly] Well it wasn't the first small animal I put up my ass. Principal Victoria: [over the P.A. system] Mr. Garrison to the principal's office, please? Mr. Garrison: That's it! They're gonna f*re me for being gay! Twenty-five million here we cooome. [shimmies out the door] Mr. sl*ve: Don't forget, I get half. Oooooh! [feels the gerbil try again to claw its way out of his ass] Oooooh, Jesus Christ. [scratches his ass. The gerbil runs one way, then back to the sphincter. A specter appears and stops the gerbil in its tracks. It's a frog king. The two stand motionless for a few seconds] Frog King: Lemmiwinks, you must find a way out of this place, or you will surely die. [the gerbil just stands there] This way has been closed off by the Great Sphincter. To escape you must journey upward to the dark reaches of the intestine and past the stomach. [the gerbil says nothing] Who am I? Just a friend. Heed my words, Lemmiwinks. Your time is running out. Make for the large intestine. All will be made clear then. [disappears. The gerbil turns around, scratches its chin, and begins its journey] Singer: A great adventure is waiting for you ahead. Hurry onward, Lemmiwinks, or you will soon be d*ad. The journy before you may be long and filled with woe But you must escape the gay man's ass so your tale can be told. Lemmiwinks. Lehehemiwinks Lemmiwinks Lemmiwinks- [The principal's office, a few moments later. Mr. Garrison hums as he nears the office door. He enters and stands beside an angry Chef, who has crossed his arms.] Mr. Garrison: You wanted to see me, Principal Victoria? Principal Victoria: Oh yes, uh, Mr. Garrison, have a seat Mr. Garrison: [nudges Chef] Oh dear, sounds like I'm gettin' fired. [hums some more and takes a seat] Principal Victoria: Mr. Garrison, Chef has brought it to my attention that some uh students are a bit... uuuncomfortable about certain aspects of your teaching meathods. Mr. Garrison: [in anticipation, gets melodramatic] Oh no, you're f*ring me? Oh well, I can't stop being who I am. I can't help the way God made me. Guess I just have to go. Principal Victoria: Nonono we're not f*ring you. Mr. Garrison: ...You're not? Principal Victoria: No, we're sending Chef to a tolerance seminar. Chef: [steps forward] Sending Chef to a tolerance seminar?! You've got to be f*ck' crazy!! Principal Victoria: You demostrate a lack of tolerance for Mr. Garrison's behavior. In fact, I believe you used the words "sick q*eer" to describe his conduct in class? Chef: He IS a sick q*eer!! Mr. Garrison: Yeah! Principal Victoria: I just wanted to give you an opportunity to apologize to Mr. Garrison before I send you away, Chef. Chef: Kiss my black ass!! [Mr. Garrison is surprised] [South Park Elenentary, Counselor Mackey's office] Mr. Mackey: Parents, I had to call you in here because your boys have refused to attend class with their h*m* teachers, m'kay? Stan: We're not staying in class another minute with those queermos! Randy: Well I really thought you boys really learned something in the Museum of Tolerance, but apparently all you learned was new words to call your poor teachers! Butters: [still distraught] But they k*lled Lemmiwinks! Chris: Shut your mouth, Butters! You'll speak when spoken to! Butters: Yes sir. Chris: Mr. Mackey, we've done everything we can to raise compassionate children. We don't know where else to turn. Mr. Mackey: Well there is an intensive seminar camp. It's a bit severe, but it might be the only way. M'kay? Sharon: That sounds good to me. Liane: Mee too. Sheila: Then it's settled. Boys, you're going to tolerance camp. Stan: Tolerance camp? [Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, black-and-white footage, day. A truck pulls up to the entrance and two guards open the gates. Beyond, kids mill around under the watchful eyes of other guards. A few moments later a guard paces in front of a crowd of kids.] Camp Warden: [sternly] Welcome to tolerance camp. You are here because you would not accept people's differences. [a sh*t of the kids shows that Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Butters were not the only kids to refuse attending Garrison's class] Because you refuse to accept the life choices of your fellow man. Well those days are now over. Here you vill verk, every hour of every day until you submit to being tolerant of everybody. Here, intolerance... will not be tolerated. [South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom. Mr. sl*ve is reading his magazine. A few moments later Mr. Garrison storms into the room and slams the door shut] Mr. Garrison: God-damnit! Mr. sl*ve: How'd it go? Mr. Garrison: This is unbelievable, Mr. sl*ve! It seems no matter what I do I can't get fired! Mr. sl*ve: The principal didn't f*re you? Mr. Garrison: No! The parents felt so bad that their kids didn't want to attend my class anymore that they wanna give me the Courageous Teacher award this Friday at the Museum of Tolerance! Mr. sl*ve: Oh, Jesus Christ. Mr. Garrison: I mean, I stuck a gerbil up your ass and they wanna give me a g*dd*mn medal! Mr. sl*ve: Well it sounds to me like the principal's just hiding things from everybody. What you need to do is let the parents see what kind of demented f*g you are. Mr. Garrison: Oh well- [stops and thinks] Hey, that's right, Mr. sl*ve. [paces a bit] The parents have to see for themselves. [snaps his fingers] The awards ceremony! Well we'll put on a show they'll never forget! Mr. sl*ve: Oohoohoohoo, Jesus Christ. [rubs his belly, and the camera zooms in, cutting to the intestine. Lemmiwinks walks along, and a guitar is heard] Singers: Lemmiwinks journeyed a distance far and fast. To find his way out of a gay man's ass. The road ahead is filled with danger and fright But push onward, Lemmiwinks, with all of your might. Frog King: [appears again before Lemmiwinks] Lemmiwinks, you are coming to the entrance of the small intestine. Now you must seek out the Sparrow Prince. [disappears. Lemmiwinks walks up the large intestine, going back and forth. Eventually it sees the Sparrow Prince and stops] Singers: The Sparrow Prince lies somewhere way up ahead. Don't look back, Lemmiwinks, or you'll soon be d*ad. Lemmiwinks, Lemmiwinks, the time is growing late Slow down now and seal your fate. Sparrow Prince: I am the Sparrow Prince. Long has my spirit been trapped within this place. Before you lies the maze of the small intestine. One path leads to the stomach, the other to certain doom. Take with you this helmet and torch. [they appear and float toward Lemmiwinks] Let them be your guide. [Lemmiwinks puts it on and continues its journey] Singers: Take the magic helmet torch to help you light the way. There's still a lot of ground to cross inside the man so gay. Ahead you lies adventure, and your strength still lies within. Freedom from the Ass of Doom is the treasure you will win. [Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, black-and-white footage, day. The kids are in a large room the size of an airport hangar. All of them have been doing arts and crafts, as they are dirty with crayons and paint. Each column of tables is being patroled by a guard.] Camp Warden: Today we wll be using the fingerpaint! You vill make a painting that shows people of different races and sexual orientations getting along. Figerpaint. Figerpaint! [the kids get busy fingepainting] You vill not make any distinction between people of different colors! People with different sexual preferences! You vill accept everyone! [stops behind Kyle's right shoulder and swoops down to look at his paper] What are you fingerpainting?! Kyle: Uh, a bear? Camp Warden: Ein bear?! Und bear has nothing to do with accepting people of different races! Kyle: [trembling in fear] Eh I, I don't know what else to paint. Camp Warden: [takes Kyle's paper and rips it up] Start over! [puts his hand on the stack of papers next to Kyle] You will fingerpaint what we tell you! [takes a sheet from the stack and slams it down in front of Kyle] GO! [Kyle starts on a new picture] Faster. [the guard switches to the left shoulder without breaking his stare] Faster! [switches back to the right shoulder and cocks a p*stol against Kyle's head] Faasterr. Kyle: Aaaa! [hurries to finish the painting] Camp Warden: Faster! Are you done?! What is it?! What have you done?! [Kyle adds some broad strokes and lifts up the finished work] Kyle: [trembling] People of all colors and creeds holding hands beneath a rainbow! Camp Warden: GOOD! [snatches the paper from Kyle's hand] That wasn't so hard, was it? [rips it up and tosses it away] NOW DO IT AGAIN! [walks off slowly] Faster! [the kids work faster] Faasterr! [South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom. Mr. Garrison talks to Mr. sl*ve. There are no kids in class, as they've all gone to tolerance camp, apparently] Mr. Garrison: There! I've done it, Mr. sl*ve. The perfect plan to get us fired. You finished your costume design yet? Mr. sl*ve: [scribbling on a notepad] Almost. I jast have to get through a su- [grabs his stomach] Uh-huc, Jesus Christ. Mr. Garrison: What's the matter? Mr. sl*ve: Mm, Just a bit of an upset stomach, I guess. Mr. Garrison: Well here, take a Pepto pill. I can't have my teacher's ass under the weather. [hands Mr. sl*ve a glass of water and a pill] Mr. sl*ve: Eugh, Jesus Christ. [takes the pill and swallows it. The camera follows the pill down the esophagus toward the stomach. The pill lands in the pool of acid in the stomach. Lemmiwinks pops up from the pool] Singers: Lemmiwinks came to the stomach far. 'Neath the depths of the lungs and heart. A Catfish: You chose your path wisely, Lemmiwinks. I am the Catatafish. Singers: Catatafish of the stomach's cove. Catatafish: If you answer this riddle, the esophagus will let you pass. Singers: Catatafish riddle will soom be told. [Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, black-and-white footage, day. The kids are now in a different room quietly making macaroni pictures on the floor, but they are all fatigued. The guard walks up to a soldier on a catwalk and talks with him.] Camp Warden: Everything in order? Camp Soldier: Yes, mein Führer. Ve are making the prisoners make macaroni pictures that illustrate diversity in the verkplace. Camp Warden: [looks at a paper with two people shaking hands and with "DIVERSITY" written above them] Eh-xcellent! [down below the kids continue with their pictures.] Kyle: [Suddenly falls on his face] Oh. Stan: Kyle. [helps him up and tries to rouse him] Kyle, you have to keep making your macaroni pictures. Kyle: [limply] Can't... glue... any... more . [falls on his face again] Stan: The guards are coming, Kyle. Glue. Glue, damn you! Camp Warden: Take this one away. He is done for. [a soldier drags a boy's body along the floor] Stan: Butters! Butters: No more... arts and crafts... Stan: Jesus... we have to get out of here. [other kids are passed out, some on their backs, some on their stomachs] [Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, black-and-white footage, outside. The kids are at play. Cartman walks over to a Porto-Potty and enters, but stops. He looks down into the toilet and finds two girls there in the septic t*nk] Girl 1: Please don't tell them that we're hiding here. Girl 2: We can't work anymore. We'll die. Camp Soldier: [walking by] Vhat? [closes the door and turns around] Waht?! Cartman: Oh. Uh, nothing. I was just getting back to work. Camp Soldier: Vhat is in there? Cartman: Nothing. Camp Soldier: Get back to verk. Cartman: [salutes] Yes sir! [the guard walks away] Phew. [opens the door and steps inside, laughing. A few moments later he craps and starts laughing] The Girls: Eww! Eww! Eww! [Cartman craps and laughs some more] Cartman: [exits and alerts any available soldier] Hey, I was kidding. There's actually two girls hiding down there. Hey! [goes to find a soldier] [Museum of Tolerance, Friday night. The main hall is set up for the awards ceremony and the guests are seated.] Tour Guide: Tonight we are here to honor an amazing fourth grade teacher with the Courageous Teacher award. [applause] Herbert Garrison came out about two years ago. Since then he has faced adversity. He has even faced ridicule by some of the students. Sharon: Oh Randy, I'm so ashamed of our son. Tour Guide: It is my honor to present the Courageous Teacher award to... Herbert Garrison. [applause. She moves off as Garrison enters riding on Mr. sl*ve, humming a song. Mr. Garrison wears a towering headdress while Mr. sl*ve is dressed as a horse. Mr. sl*ve stops] Mr. Garrison: Get along, little sl*ve. Randy: Oh my God. Gerald: That's what our boys were talking about? Mr. Garrison: [rings some small bells] Ding-ding, ding-ding. Man 1: [sitting next to Principal Victoria] He is so courageous. Mr. Garrison: [now at the podium, with Mr. sl*ve standing to his right. He's wearing a purple belt with shiny purple dildo hanging from it] Say, Mr. sl*ve. Mr. sl*ve: Yes, Mr. Garrison? Mr. Garrison: I had a dream last night that you were a real dick. Mr. sl*ve: Really? Why would you dream that I was being an assh*le? Mr. Garrison: No no, I was the assh*le. [a moment of silence, and more applause] Man 2: [brown hair and mustache] Ogh, that is so courageous. Man 3: [gray hair] What an amazing human being! [Randy and Gerald look at each other in shock] Mr. Garrison: Uh, I uh I'm very happy to get this award. Uh but you know what makes me even happier? Sucking balls. Audience: Ahh [applause] Mr. Garrison: [frustrated, to Mr. sl*ve] It isn't working. Sing your song, Mr. sl*ve. Mr. sl*ve: I've got a little- Oof. [grabs his stomach] Ohoc, Jesus Christ. What's happening in there? [Inside Mr. sl*ve's stomach at that moment, Lemmiwinks has been put into a gyroscope and is ready to be sh*t up the esophagus and out the mouth.] Frog King: Hang on, Lemmiwinks! You solved the Catatafish's riddle. Now your trials are nearly through! [Outside Mr. sl*ve's stomach, onstage] Mr. sl*ve: Oh! I should have never shoved all those poor animals up my ass! [a few moments of thought, and then more applause] Mr. Garrison: Uh... Man 4: [black hair] Courageous. Man 5: [behind him, brown hair] So courageous. Mr. Garrison: [frustrated and finally letting loose] God-damnit, don't you people get it?! I'm trying to get fired here! [the applause dies down] Man 3: [softly] Oh, that's courageous. Mr. Garrison: Look, this kind of behavior should not be acceptable from a teacher! Mr. sl*ve: Yeah, Jesus Christ. Man 6: But the mu-se-um tells us to be to-le-rant Man 3: [stands up and raises his arms] Yes. The mu-se-um. Man 7: [stands up and raises his arms] The mu-se-um tells us. Mr. Garrison: Tolerant, but not stupid! Look, just because you have to tolerate something doesn't mean you have to approve of it! If you had to like it, it'd be called the Museum of Acceptance! [the audience looks on] "Tolerate" means you're just putting up with it! You tolerate a crying child sitting next to you on the airplane or, or you tolerate a bad cold. It can still piss you off! Jesus Tapdancing Christ! Randy: He's right. Our boys didn't hate h*m*, they just hated the way this assh*le was acting. Gerald: We'ge gotta get our boys back! [gets up and rushes out] Mr. Garrison: [relieved] Ogh! Okay, so now can I PLEASE get fired and get my 25 million dollars?! Principal Victoria: No, no, I think I have a better idea. [Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, Saturday, day. The boys' parents are at the front gate. Black-and-white fades into color, and Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Butters are present. They are quite thin, clearly undernourished, and their clothes fit loose on them] Randy: We're sorry, boys. Why didn't you tell us your teachers were acting so over-the-top? Sheila: Yes. You boys don't know how much we suffered. [a close-up of the boys shows that Butters is the thinnest of them] Chris: Come on, let's go. [the boys and their parents head away from the gate. As they go, Mr. Garrison and Mr. sl*ve are brought in by Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey. Two soldiers have them under g*n] Mr. Garrison: Well this is insane! Principal Victoria: I'm sorry Mr. Garrison, but it's obvious you aren't tolerant of your own behavior. Camp Warden: [arrives] Vhat do we have here? Noo recruits? I assure you, the next veek will be nothing but pain and suffering! [pounds his rght fist into his left palm] Mr. sl*ve: Oooo, this could be kind of fun. [convulses all of a sudden, goes down on hands and knees, and coughs up the gerbil] Singers: Lemmiwinks has made it out and his tale is nearly through [the three spirits he met in Mr. sl*ve's body now appear before him] Catatafish: Great job, Lemmiwinks. Sparrow Prince: Thanks to you we are all free. Frog King: [draws close to Lemmiwinks] But your adventures are just beginning, for you are no ordinary gerbil, Lemmiwinks. You are the Gerbil King. [places a crown on its head, then backs up to join the other two animal spirits] The Three Spirits: All hail the Gerbil King. [they disappear] [End of The Death Camp of Tolerance. The Lemmiwinks song finally ends. Now that you're the Gerbil King there's more ventures to go on Fly away to faraway lands and to the setting sun There's still so many enemies and battles yet to fight For Lemmiwinks the Gerbil King could be told a thousand nights Lemmi- Lemmi- Lemmiwinks. Le- Lemmiwiiinks. Lehhmiwinks, Lem- Lem- Lemmiwinks Lemmiwinks, Lemmiwinks, Leh-miwinks Leh-miwinks, Gerbil King.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x14 - The Death Camp Of Tolerance"}

foreverdreaming

[South Park, night. A camera sits atop am ambulance transmiting the action as the ambulance speeds down a street. It ends up at Hall's Pass Hospital. The paramedics rush out and open the cargo doors, quickly take Cartman out and whisk him into Emergency while his mom remains seated anxiously inside the ambulance.] Liane: [steps out of the ambulance] Be careful with my baby. [Hell's Pass Hospital, inside. The paramedics reach the nurses' station and rush by] Blonde Nurse: What have we got? Paramedic 1: [black hair] Not sure. It looks like a possible code five six! Cartman: [disoriented] Kenny. Can't have Kenny. Liane: [now helping the nurse and paramedics] You're going to be okay, baby. [Hell's Pass Hospital, operating room. Emergency personnel whisk Cartman into the room. Liane enters, but stays near the door] Dr. Doctor: [enters ready for surgery] Five me 50 cc's of ketamine, STAT. And get something for the kid, too. Liane: Is he going to be okay?? Brunete Nurse: Let the doctor do his work, ma'am. [closes the curtain] [Hell's Pass Hospital, a few hours later. Cartman is now in one of the recovery rooms with Liane at his side stroking him gently. He's on a respirator for the time being. The doctor enters the room slowly, but Liane notices and rises to meet him] Liane: Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong with him? Dr. Doctor: I'm afraid he's... running out of time. Liane: [thinks a moment, then] Why?? What's wrong with him?? Dr. Doctor: It's his time. It's ...running out. Liane: Well what does he need? Dr. Doctor: He needs to have more time. Liane: What can we do? Dr. Doctor: Well, I suppose we could try a time transplant. I'll have to call in a specialist. [turns and walks out. Liane returns to Cartman] Liane: [cradles Cartman somewhat] It's going to be okay, baby. We're going to get you more time. Cartman: Ey Kenny! God-damn you Kenny! [Chef's house, day. Stan and Kyle go up to the front door and Kyle knocks. Chef opens up and sees them.] Chef: Hello there, children. Stan: Chef, Cartman is in the hospital. They think he might die. Kyle: Yeah, and, we don't know whether or not we should care. Chef: Well what's wrong with him? Stan: Well, nobody seems to know, but we think it's because he drank Kenny's soul four weeks ago. Kyle: Kenny's ashes were in an urn, and Cartman drank it, thinking it was chocolate milk mix. Chef: Children, why didn't you tell me about this sooner? Kyle: Well like we said, we didn't know whether or not we should care? Chef: Well you should. Cartman is your friend whether you like him or not! Now, come on! We've gotta get to that hospital! [Hell's Pass Hospital, Cartman's recovery room. Dr. Doctor has returned] Liane: He's looking a little better today. Dr. Doctor: Yes, but his time is still getting weaker. It will give out soon unless we do something. [the door opens and Chef, Stan and Kyle enter] Cartman: [cheerfully] Hey you guys! How's it goin'? Chef: Cartman? Stan: No, that's Kenny. Cartman: [surly] What the hell are you assholes doing here?! Stan: That's Cartman. Chef: [approaches and has a look] Oh my God! Eric, how long have you been channelin' Kenny? Cartman: Oh, about a month. Dr. Doctor: Let's not validate his delusions. Chef: Kenny? Kenny, do you know what you need to get free? Cartman: He's gone again. Chef: Ms. Cartman, we need to get Cartman to a meeting room to speak with people who have crossed over. Dr. Doctor: What?? That's preposterous! What this child needs is a time transplant! Chef: This hospital isn't gonna do any good. We need to take him to see John Edward. Stan: Hey, I've seen that guy. He has a TV show where he brings poeple on and talks to their d*ad relatives. Chef: That's right. We have to go see him in New York. Dr. Doctor: I warn you, Ms. Cartman. Your son's time could give out at any minute. He needs to be kept here where his time could be monitored. Liane: Oooh, what should I do? I'm playing roulette with my child's life! [switches mind gears] Ooo wait, Hairspray is showing in New York, isn't it? Let's go there. Chef: Good. You children need to come too. Eric needs all the support he can get right now. Kyle: We're gong to New York? [An airplane to New York, dawn. The plane is flying above the clouds] Flight Attendant: Welcome aboard Flight 673 to New York. We are happy to show you a feature film during the flight. In a moment we'll be showing a preview. Kyle: [the boys begin to put on headphones] Oh cool. We get to watch a movie? Stan: Awesome! [The preview] Announcer: Rob Shneider was an animal. [a sh*t of him on all fours running through the forest] Then he was a woman. [Rob steps out of a shower and inspects his new breasts. He's shocked] And now Rob Schneider is... [a sh*t of him sitting on a desk dressed as a stapler, stapling papers together] a stapler. [he's showing being a stapler in front of some cheering fratboys from Gamma Gamma Delta] And he's about to find out... [he's shown trying to catrch a bus as a stapler] that being a stapler [he's shown with a woman, still as a stapler. He tries to get close to her, but falls off the sofa] is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider is... The Stapler. [title graphics show up] Rated PG-13 Stan, Kyle: [remove their headphones]Weak! Cartman: [giggles] Ha-heheheh. [the boys look at him; he takes his headphones off and looks at them] That was Kenny laughing, not me. [New York, the skyline. Chef, Liane, and the boys arrive at an HBC studio for John Edward] Chef: This must be the place. Page: Okay audience members, hi, welcome to the taping of the show. [she collects tickets from members as they enter the studio] It's all general seating in there, and just remember, Mr. Edward might not hear from the particular d*ad person you wanna talk to, so just... keep an open mind. Chef: Don't worry, Eric. I'm sure he will be able to help you. [John Edward's studio, show set. The seats are all filled up] Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward. [applause. John enters the set and steps on stage] John Edward: Thank you, thank you. Alright let's get started. [meditates a minute, then points to his right] 'S coming from over here. 'S the name Mike mean anything to anybody? [no reaction] I'm getting um, I'm getting M-mike? Definitely an M, d'um, maybe Matt? Mike? Matt? Mi-mmm, Mi-Mike, m-Mary? Man 1: Mary was my mother! John Edward: Okay okay, and and she-she's she died? Man 1: [begins to sob. A woman comforts him] Yes. Yeh-yes she did. John Edward: Okay, and she's telling me there's something about... the money. That the, the money is safe? Is that making sense? [the man and woman look up] Man 1: M-mm-m. Not really. John Edward: Must be from somewhere else in the audience, then. Uh, d'uh, money? Is someone el- Stan: Uh, over here please? Kyle: We have a d*ad friend. John Edward: Uh d'eh'hm quiet, quiet down boys. It doesn't work that way. Uh, okay, I I'm getting ...someone now whose name is g-, a t-. It's an l-, it's a m-, it's k-. Cartman: Kenny! John Edward: Kenny says hi. Audience members: Wow! [applause] wow... John Edward: Okay, now I'm getting that Kenny ...died? Stan: We told you that. John Edward: And, and this wasn't, this wasn't a good death. It was like a, it was a sad death. It was like a, it was like a death that made people sad. Does that make sense? Kyle: Yee-yeah. Audience members: [applause] Oh, wow, that's incredible! Wow! Chef: Look uh, Mr. Edward, can you just ask Kenny how we can get him out, please? John Edward: [blocking] Doesn't work that way. [turns his attention to the boys] Now, Kenny is telling me that... you're his best friends, and he's in a ss-safe place. Stan: No no, he's trapped in Cartman's body. John Edward: Ohh, there's somebody with him. Who's Kyle? Kyle: I'm Kyle. John Edward: Oh right. And uh, did an older woman pass, she's asking for Kyle? Maybe a grandma? Kyle: [responding] Yeah. My Grandma. [looks around] She's here? John Edward: She says there was something she asked you to do, and you're not doing it? She wants you to look for four white doves. Kyle: Oh my God! John Edward: Oh now she's sending me a P word. Maybe it's a puh-? Or a huh-? Woman 1: My Harry died last year! John Edward: Oh, it's comin' from over here. [moves to the woman's side of the audience] I'm getting all kinds of voices today. [does a small skip] Woo! [laughter] Stan: Heh hey wait a minute dude. John Edward: Okay now Harry. He's telling me... oh well, he's saying that you two used to... do things. Woman 1: [sobs and nods vigorously] Mmm-hmm. John Edward: And that those things involved... stuff? Woman 1: The things did involve stuff, yes. [cries. The audience is awed and gets somewhat boisterous] [New York, outside John Edward's studio. Chef, Liane and the boys exit. Kyle is missing] Chef: Aw man, I can't believe I got fooled by that assh*le! Stan: He seemed better on TV? Chef: Yeah. They must edit his shows down on television to only show him getting mostly right answers. Kyle: [exits the studio a bit panicked.] Grandma's watching me. Always watching me. Stan: [approaches Kyle] Dude, you don't believe that guy talked to your grandma, do you? [Cartman has a seizure; the other boys look over. Cartman goes silent, and he's shown standing unconscious.] Liane: Eric? [the others draw closer] It must be his time. I think it's running out! Chef: We've got no choice. The only people I know now who might be able to help Eric are my parents. We'll have to take the next flight to Scotland. [New York Airport, day. The kids, Chef and Liane are ready for their flights] Chef: [walks to Stan and Kyle and gives them their tickets] Okay children, this is your flight back to Colorado. Your parents are meeting you at the airport in Denver. Stan: We don't get to go to Scotland? Liane: It's too far and your parents want you back home. Stan: [to Cartman] Oh well. Good luck getting Kenny out of you, fatso. Cartman: Thanks, assh*le. Chef: Come on, we gotta catch our plane. You children get right on that plane now. Announcer: This is the final boarding annoucenment for Flight 342 to Denver. Stan: [moving off slowly] That's us. Come on. Kyle: Four white birds! Stan: Huh? Kyle: There's four white birds! [Sees a sign for Jewleeard, a private school for young Jews. The sign has four birds in flight above a small school, two stars of David flanking the building, and two traditional Jewish men in overcoats, one at each end of the sign. A phone number is shown underneath. Kyle and Stan walk closer to the sign] This is what Grandma wants? She wants me to attend Jewleeard. Stan: Dude, you were going to see four white birds eventually. Kyle: So is it a coincidence that Grandma DID talk to me about going to Jewleeard someday? Stan: Yes. Now, come on. Our plane is gonna leave. [walks off] Kyle: I'm not going back. Stan: [stops and looks at Kyle, astonished] What?? Kyle: I have to join Jewleeard and make Grandma proud! [drops his ticket on the ground] Tell my parents I'll call them. [hurries away] Stan: Kyle. No, Kyle! Aw crap! [slaps his left palm on his face] [John Edward's estate, later. Stan arrives and goes to the front door. Needless to say, he didn't get on the plane either. He rings the bell and is greeted by the butler] Stan: Hey, uh, I need to talk to Mr. Edward, please. Butler: He doesn't do private readings. Stan: I'm not here for a reading, I just need to ask him something real quick. Butler: Alright, come on in. [steps aside for Stan to enter] [John Edward's estate, living room. Stan waits by the sofa] Butler: Just wait here. I'll go fetch him. [the butler walks into another area of the hosue] Stan: Jesus Christ. Butler: [returns] Here he is. [presses a button next to a wide doorway] Prerecorded Voice: Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward. [John approaches and the butler presses a second button for applause] John Edward: Thank you, thank you. Stan: Hey uh, I need to ask you a big favor. You, you did a reading on my best friend and uh, well you kind of messed him up. John Edward: Oh. [pulls out a card from his pocket and reads aloud] The John Edward show is not liable for opinions and materials given for entertainment purposes only. [silence for a few seconds] Stan: Look, my friend Kyle won't fly back home to Colorado. All I need you to do is just talk to him and tell him, you know, the whole talking to d*ad people isn't for real. John Edward: Maybe it is for real. Stan: Right, but it's not. It's a trick you do and I need you to just let my friend Kyle know that so he can go on with his life. John Edward: Look, people have the right to be skeptical. I really hear voices in my head. Stan: Yes. We all hear voices in our heads. It's called "intuition." Get over yourself and tell my friend it's just for fun. John Edward: Look, what I do doesn't hurt anybody. I give people closure and help them cope with life. Stan: No, you give them false hope and a belief in something that isn't real. John Edward: But I'm a psychic. Stan: No dude, you're a douche. John Edward: I'm not a douche! What if I really believe that d*ad people talk to me? Stan: Then you're a stupid douche John Edward: I think I've had of your bullying me! Get out of my house or I'll runs upstairs, lock myself in my panic room and call the police! Stan: I'm nine years old. John Edward: I'm not talking to your friend and I'm not a douche! [runs up the stairs and towards his room] You'd better get out of my house, 'cause I'm gonna call the police! [Stan looks at him like he's nuts; he locks himself in his panic room] Stan: You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche! [walks towards the door, but notices some books on a bookcase nearby. He checks them out. "How To Be A Psychic" "Cold Reading: The Trick Of The Psychic!" "Make Women Believe You're Psychic! Then Have Sex With Them!" "How To Sixty Nine With Yourself" ...Stan senses the real reason behind John's efforts] Son of a bitch. [takes the books and leaves the estate.] [An airplane to Scotland, day. The plane is flying above the clouds. In the cabin, Cartman sits between Chef and Liane] Cartman: Hey Kenny! Shut up, Kenny! You shut up, fatass! Liane: Hang in there, sweetie. We'll be there soon. Pilot: Welcome aboard Scotland Air. Our trip to Edinburgh should take about twelve hours. Cartman: Twelve hours?? Jesus Christ! Pilot: In the meantime we'd like to show you a complimentary film. Cartman: Oh, good. [All passengers put on their headsets.] Announcer: Rob Schneider is a Wall Street executive [Rob walks into the scene with a briefcase, then he's in a hot tub with a beautiful woman] With everything going for him. [now in his office, he gets up and straddles his desk. He then pretends the desk is a horse] Only problem is, he's about to become... [he walks up to a mirror and looks at himself] a carrot! Rob Schneider: I'm a carrot! Announcer: It's 24-carrot comedy. [hops away from a pursuing rabbit] Rob Schneider: Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ohh! Announcer: [title text is shown] Rob Schneider is a Carrot. Rated PG-13. Cartman: Oh for the love of Christ. [switches from miffed to excited] I wanna watch, fat boy! [...and back to miffed] No, Kenny, it's not funny! [The Jewleeard School, New York. Kyle approaches the school. Stan runs up to intercept him.] Stan: Kyle! Kyle! Kyle: Don't try and stop me, Stan! This is what my grandma wants! Stan: Look, I went and saw that John Edward guy. He's just a big douche. Kyle: He's not a douche! He talked to my grandma! Stan: Kyle, you can't ruin your life based on what some douchey psychic said. They all just use a technique called "cold reading." They've used it for hundreds of years to make people believe them. Man 2: [listening, he approaches] Hey, whoa now. John Edward is for real. Stan: No, he's not. Woman 2: Yeah. My sister told me he knew our mother's name and when she died. [other adults begin to arrive and give testimony] Construction Worker: John Edward? Oh yeah, I heard he walked up to a guy on the street, and said his d*ad father wanted to say "Happy Birthday," and it WAS his birthday. Woman 3: Yeah kid, how do you explain that? Stan: [looks around at the adults, then] Alright, look. I'll show you. I just need a volunteer. How about you? Woman 4: Oh-ho. Me? [steps forward. The others clap] Stan: Okay, I'm gonna pretend that a d*ad person is talking to me about you, okay? Woman 4: Okay. Stan: Okay, watch, Kyle. Uh, it's an older man, someone very close to you. Woman 4: My father? Stan: Does this month, November, hold a special significance? Woman 4: [gasps] My birthday's in November! Stan: Right, because he's saying, "Tell her 'Happy Brithday.'" Woman 4: Oh my God. Stan: See, Kyle? I just started with something really vague. I chose an older man because I'm betting that, based on this woman's age, her father is most likely d*ad. But if her father wasn't d*ad, I could still say it was some other older man. Man 2: Well then how'd you know her birthday was in November? Stan: I didn't. I just asked her if November meant anything. Her father could have died in November, or Thanksgiving could have been really special for them. But I go with the birthday and validate it now, as if I knew, by saying "He wishes you a Happy Birthday." Woman 4: [gasps] What else does he say? Stan: Okay, I'll just use an old standard. He saying "the money. Stop worrying about the money." Woman 4: [gasps] Oh my God! My sister and I have been fighting over his inheritance. Woman 3: That's amazing. Stan: No it isn't! When a father dies, inheritance is usually an issue, and money is something everyone worries about. Man 3: That sounds a little too coincidental. Man 4: Yes. There's only one explanation. This kid can communicate with the d*ad! Adults: Wow! Stan: What?! [his deconstruction didn't work. The adults crowd in] Man 2: Do me next. I wanna talk to my mother. Woman 3: Can you try to reach my grandfather. Stan: No wait. Construction Worker: You have to tell me if my sister's in a good place. [Kyle walks away from the crowd and into Jewleeard] Man 5: Yeah, help me out too, 'k? Man 6: I'm next. I'm next. Man 7: Hey, get out of my way! Man 8: Do me! Scout: Kid, how would you like your own talking to the d*ad show? [Scotland, day, highlands. Night falls. Chef, Liane and Cartman arrive at the McElroy manor and Chef knocks on the door. Bagpipes that were playing stop. Mr. McElroy, Chef's dad, answers the door] Chef: Hi Pop. Thomas McElroy: Junior! Aw, son, it's good to see you now. Chef: These are my friends, the Cartmans. [presents them] Thomas: Well come on in out of the cold now. [the guests enter] There's heavy fog on the moors tonight. [closes the door, then leads them to the living room] Well, look what the cat dragged in, Nelly. Nelly: Oh, my baby come home! Chef: Hi, Momma! [gives her a hug] Nelly: Lord, I thought you wasn't comin' till nine. Chef: Mom, this is my friend, Ms. Cartman. Liane: Please, call me Liane. Nelly: So nice to have you here, Liane. Thomas: And is this the children you told us about? Chef: Yeah, Pop. This is Eric. Thomas: Well, let's see here now. [genuflects and checks Cartman out in various places on the body] Mhm, mhm, mhm. [stands up] Yeup! There's definitely more than one children in there. Liane: Oh dear. Thomas: Nelly, you best have at it now. Nelly: Oh Lord, and I just put the roast in the oven, too. [walks off to the kitchen muttering] Ain't gonna have no time now to baste it. Don't nobody blame me, a woman can't bake no roast and do everything else at the same time. [Thomas walks off to his left] Can't say that the roast is gonna be terrible, maybe just a little dry. [Thomas returns with a stool] But I suppose we can make some extra gravy to take the dryness out later. [Nelly returns dressed as a shaman with angel wings] Thomas: Alright, children, stand up on this chair now. Cartman: Right now? Thomas: Yes, right now. [Cartman steps up on the small stool and Nelly begins to work on him.] Nelly: [waving her scepters] Na kamaa karash meh nah- [strikes Cartman] Cartman: Whoa, whoa, watch it lady. Nelly: Come out now. Come out now. Thomas: Just stay still, Eric. Mom knows what she's doing. Nelly: You all come out of there now. ["The Other Side"] Announcer: At a vary young age one young boy learned he had a special gift. This is "The Other Side." [the curtain rises to reveal Stan on set with the studio audience clapping. He steps forward and the curtain falls down behind him] Stan: Okay, listen to me. Listen very carefully. [the applause dies down] This is a trick that I am doing. Okay? Watch. All I'm gonna do is say a name that I'm gonna pick at random. Okay? [puts his hand to his temple] They want me to acknowledge Pete, or Peter. Woman 5: [jumps up] Yes! Yes, my Peter! [begins to sob] Audience: Wow!! [begins to clap] Stan: No! Stop clapping! All I did was pick a random name and wait for somebody in the audience to give a response. Now that I see that there's a lone woman crying, my instinct tells me Peter was her husband. So I say, "Peter was your husband?" Woman 5: [sobbing] Yes, yes! Yes, my husband Peter! Audience: Wow!! [begins to clap] Woman 6: Oh wow! Stan: [getting annoyed] Stop it! I didn't do anything! Man 9: [rises and accuses] You knew Peter was d*ad! Stan: [reminding] I didn't start by saying Peter is d*ad! I started by saying, "They want me to acknowledge Peter." That could have meant Peter was in the audience or that Peter was somebody's friend, or Peter had died. I couldn't be wrong, see? Now, I can look at this woman and see that she's fairly young, so odds are her husband was fairly young when he died. So I can say something like, "I'm getting that Peter's death was very untimely" Woman 6: [sobbing] Yes, it was. Audience: Wow!! [begins to clap] Man 10: Amazing! Woman 7: Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy. Stan: [frustrated, with right hand over his clenched eyelids] Okay. Let's back up. [each audience row backs up to the one behind it] Not literally! [McElroy manor, night. Nelly is still working on Cartman. He's laying on a bed, and Chef's dad helps in the exorcism] Thomas: In the name of all that is holy we command this spirit be set free! Cartman: Ahh, Aahhhh! [the adults back away from the bed. Soon, an orange glow appears on Cartman's belly] Thomas: There we go! We're gettin' somethin' now! Nelly: Come on out, spirit. Go! Thomas: Come on out hyow! It's safe! [Cartman groans with the pain Kenny's spirit is causing him. Thomas quickly moves to the foot of the bed] Here it comes! The spirit is comin' out hyuh! [a timer goes off] Nelly: Oooo, that's the potatoes. [she removes all her costume and heads to the kitchen] Thomas: [a few seconds later] Well hold on the potatoes two seconds, woman! [Nelly stops and turns around] The soul's comin' out hyuh! [Cartman writhes on the bed as Kenny's spirit now glows from Cartman's pants] It's almost done. Alright, son. Now bring me the victim child! Chef: The victim child? Thomas: Yeah. You know, the child that we sacrifice so we could Kenny's soul into its body. [Chef looks off to his right. Liane and Thomas follow his gaze] Nelly: Oh Lord, they didn't bring a victim child. Chef: Where were we gonna find a child to secrifice? Nelly: We weren't gonna ask you where you got it from. [Cartman groans once more, and Kenny's spirit bolts out and bounces around the room. The adults try to dodge it ] Thomas: God-damnit! The spirit's out and it don't have no where to go! Nelly: Lord, Thomas, don't let it get on the curtains. [Movie trailer. First scene is a disco dance floor. Rob Schneider is dancing around like John Travolta] Announcer: Rob Schneider derp de derp. [next scene: he's walking down a city street when a pretty woman passes by. He looks back at her] Derp de derpity derpy derp. [he runs into a light standard. Next scene: he's a lab technician working with nitrogen. He drinks a strange liquid] Until one day, the derpa derpa derpaderp. [Rob is shown dancing like a monkey on the street] Derp de derp. [he's in a house begging like a dog in front of a woman] da teedily dumb. Rob Schneider: [rises a bit, then starts falling backwards down the stairs] Whoa! [hits the ground floor landing] Announcer: From the creators of Der, and Tum Ta Tittaly Tum Ta Too, Rob Schneider is Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb. Rated PG-13. [The Jewleeard School, New York. Kyle is studying. Stan approaches him with a stack of papers] Stan: Here. Look, Kyle. I found tons of testimonials on the Internet saying that John Edward has the entire studio wired to hear what people are talking about before the show. And, he pays actors to be plants in the audience. Kyle: You're just jealous he's a better psychic than you. Stan: Fine, I give up! You wanna stay in New York?! Then go ahead! [throws the stack away and leaves. He reaches the front doors, opens them, and is face-to-face with John Edward] John Edward: So, you think you can talk to d*ad people better than me, huh?! Stan: No, I don't think either of us can. [Kyle gets up from his seat and leaves the room] John Edward: They told me your show is getting better ratings than mine, that you're saying I'm a fraud on your show! You'd better not ever call me a liar, or a fake, or a douche again, or else I'll sue you for slander! Stan: I'm saying this to you, John Edward, you are a liar, you are a fake, and you are the biggest douche ever! John Edward: Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?! Stan: Because the big questions in life are tough: Why are we here? Where are we from? Where are we going? But if people believe in assh*le douchey liars like you, we're never gonna find the real answer to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche! John Edward: I'M NOT A DOUCHE! And I challenge you to a psychic showdown! I'll prove to the world that I'm psychic and you're not! Stan: Fine, douche! [slams one door on him...] John Edward: I'm not a douche [...then the other] [The McElroy manor, night. Kenny's spirit is now in the living room flitting about. Thomas enters with a broom, swinging it around to capture it somehow] Thomas: Well come on, the soul's in here! It can't escape now. [Liane and Chef enter the room] It's goin' to the light! Unfortunately, it's the livin' room light. Nelly: I'll open a window, you try to chase it out, Thomas. Thomas: Go on now, soul now! Nelly: Here, spirit, come out the window. [opens a window] I'll give you tree-fiddy. [holds out some money for the spirit] Thomas: Now don't go offerin' the soul no tree-fiddy, woman! Nelly: I'm just tryin' to persuade it. Thomas: Well I know, but you can at least start at about two quarter or somethin' [the spirit comes out of the light and flits out of the living room] Aw Christmas, there it goes again! Nelly: [drops the money] It's headin' for the kitchen! Aw, Thomas, the pot roast! [heads for the kitchen after the spirit] [The McElroy manor, kitchen. Kenny's spirit flits in and bounces around the kitchen. The adults enter, hot on its trail] Thomas: Over here! Liane: Get it down. Nelly: Don't let it get in the roast! [the spirit moves over the roast. The others move with it, but the spirit dives into the pot roast, making it bounce. The adults crowd in and look at the pot roast] Thomas: Oh. Well. I guess the child's a pot roast now. Chef: What do we do with it now? Nelly: [turns around to get something] Well I'll wrap it up with some plastic wrap so you can take it home with ya. Should last a few months in the freezer. [turns around with a box of Saran Wrap] Cartman: [entering refreshed] Hey, ah I feel a lot better. Chef: Eric, you're okay! [the others gather around him. Liane kneels to hug him] Liane: Oh, baby, your time is back! Nelly: [lays a hand on Cartman's head and pronounces] This child is clean. [The John Edward studio] Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, it's "Psychic Showdown." Here are John Edward, and Stan Marsh. [both of them enter and get on stage. The studio audience applauds] John Edward: Thank you. [the applause dies down. He turns to Stan] Alright, assh*le! I know you're here to try to throw me off, so go ahead. Give my yoru best sh*t! Stan: No, I don't wanna talk to you. I wanna talk to the audience. John Edward: Wah-why? Stan: You see, I learned something today. At first I thought you were all stupid, listening to this douche's advice, but now I understand that you're all here because you're scared. You're scared of death and he offers you some kind of understanding. You all want to believe in it so much, I know you do. You find comfort in the thought that your loved ones are floating around trying to talk to you, but thnk about it: Is that really what you want? To just be floating around after you die, having to talk to this assh*le? [the audience is listening] We need to recognize this stuff for what it is: magic tricks. Because whatever's really going on in life and in death is much more amazing than this douche. [more audience listening, reflection. Kyle is present. One man claps, then others clap with him, then murmurs are heard] Audience Members: Yes. Right. Yeah. [John looks angrily at Stan] Kyle: [now next to Stan with fake beard in hand] You're right, Stan. My Grandma isn't floating around, judging me and watching what I do. She's d*ad. d*ad and gone forever. Stan: Yeah. John Edward: But I do have a special power! I know I do! Stan: There's nothing special about you, dude. Get over yourself. John Edward: God-damnit, I'm special!! [a rumble is heard, the studio shakes, and a bright light shines from above. John, Stan and Kyle look up in wonder] Man 11: What the? Woman 8: Aaaah! [the ceiling above the studio begins to crack, and a huge red spacecraft breaks through, descending to the ground. Stan and Kyle step back. The craft settles down and a door opens downward to become a staircase. Aliens appear and descend the stairs] Lead Alien: [with two noses, and a pair of eyes for each nose. The eyes stick out like antennae] Greetings from the Jannex Galaxy. [the other aliens take a bow] We seek the great John Edward. John Edward: Why that... that's me! Lead Alien: Sir, it is an honor to meet you. [extends his... "hand"] John Edward: [extends his hand and gives the alien a handshake] Well, thank you very much! [looks smugly at Stan] Stan: No, it can't be. Lead Alien: I am Quagmar, and this is the Intergalactic BDIU Committee. Mr. Edward, it is my honor to inform you that you have been nominated for Biggest Douche In the Universe! [the other aliens clap] John Edward: What?! Alien 2: [in purple robes, with yellow legs] You are the first nominee from the Milky Way Galaxy. Alien 3: [with four arms] Congratulations! Stan: Oh, dude! [smiles] Alien 2: If you step into our plabpa feed, we'll give you a first-class ride to the awards show. [the aliens escort him into the spacecraft] John Edward: No, wait! I'm not a douche! I make people feel good about themselves! [the door closes and the spacecraft takes off] I give people resolution! [the craft is seen going straight up, then off in a random direction. Stan and Kyle look on, then they turn around] Stan: Now do you people believe me? Masn 12: Well I don't know. How did Edward know my father died in March? [Denver International Airport, day. Cartman, Liane, and Chef exit the airport] Cartman: God-damnit that was a long flight! I thought we'd never get out of stinky-ass smelly Scotland! Liane: Oh it's so good to have you acting like yourself again, sweetie. Chef: Well, come on. We'd better get Kenny back to his parents. Wait a minute. Who's got the pot roast? Liane: I thought you got it. Cartman: It's still in baggage claims! Chef: Aw, damnit! Come on! [they go back into the airport] We've gotta find him! Kenny! [Commercial] Announcer: Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor [he's seen dancing around on the red carpet on his way into the Chinese theater] who seemed to have it all, [now sitting at his desk counting his millions] until one day, he came across a pot roast, [standing in line at Denver International, he sees the pot roast on a table. The roast is labeled "Chef McElroy, South Park"] and his life changed forever. [he's taken the roast home and is carving it up and eating it. He senses something is wrong] Now he's sharing his body with an eight-year-old boy. [first, on a hobby elephant as the kids watchl then, in Kenny's room getting dressed; then, waiting at the bus stop with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman] And he's about to find out [now getting on his desk and dancing] that being eight [now on all fours backing a girl against a wall. Barbrady and partner show up; next, he's running down the street trying to escape the officers] ain't so great. [standing on the Kenny McCormich Memorial Square stage, suffers the same fate Kenny did back when Kathy Lee Gifford came to town - getting sh*t and then impaled on the South Park flag pole] Rob Schneider is KENNY! [title text and graphic come up] Rated PG-13. [Somewhere in space...] Announcer: Live, from the space station Xion, in the Vuntlin Galaxy. It's the Biggest Douche In the Universe Award! [title graphic comes up. Inside, one finds that this is the 478th Annual Award. The auditorium is huge, with two balcony levels] Lion-head Alien: This year's nominees are... Bee Alien: [yellow, with nine eyes, two large wings, and a mouth at the very top of the body] Quaglar the Desctructor, Andromeda Galaxy, Planet J-11 [applause. A massive shackled green alien roars] Lion-head Alien: Damanta Unit 5, J-Lax Galaxy, Planet Neeu. [a robot with a metallic sledgehammer] Damanta Unit 5: Derrr. [hammers himself on the head with the sledgehammer] Bee Alien: John Edward, Milky Way Galaxy, Planet Earth. [some aliens around Edward start to cheer] John Edward: I'm not a douche! Lion-head Alien: And finally, Ursula, the giant douche [a douche bottle with applicator] from the Horsehead Nebula, Station J-12. Bee Alien: And the winner for Biggest Douche In the Universe is... [opens the envelope and reads] It's John Edward, Milky Way Galaxy, Planet Earth! John Edward: [a lovely alien woman comes to take him to the stage] Uh no, come on now! [once on stage, he gets a beauty-pageant treatment, complete with banner over his shoulder saying "BIGGEST DOUCHE" and a crown] Frankenstein Alien: Here he is, the Biggest Douche of the Universe! In all the galaxies, there's no bigger douche than you! You've reached the top, the pinnacle of douchedom! Good going, douche. Your dreams have come true! Announcer: Da derpa derpa derpaderp. Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb [End of The Biggest Douche In The Universe]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x15 - The Biggest Douche In The Universe"}

foreverdreaming

[South Park, woods, night. Six boys look at a tree stump surrounded by litter. They are Jimmy, Toke, Craig, Clyde, Kyle, and Cartman. Kyle is carrying a black trash bag. On the stump is a marijuana joint and some paper] Kyle: [thrusts the bag at Clyde] Throw it away, Clyde! Clyde: I'm not gonna touch it. You throw it away. Stan: [arriving] What's going on? Kyle: [points at the joint] Some high schoolers left their marijuana cigarette behind. Uh we have to throw it away before some kids find it or something. Stan: So throw it away. Clyde: Nobody wants to touch it. Kyle: What if the residue gets on our hands and it leads to harder drugs like those commercials say. Craig: Yeah, didn't you see that commercial where it says that if you have pot you could become a t*rror1st? Clyde: And the commercial where the two kids have pot and the one kids sh**t the other. Harmless? Stan: You guys, those commercials are just exaggerations. Token: How do you know? None of us had ever had any drugs before. Jimmy: Well, I did Ecstacy once. [the other boys look at him] Me and my girlfriend took it and we stayed up all night having... sex. [the other boys just stare] Kyle: ...Where did you have sex with her? Jimmy: In her... va-vagina. [smiles, but the other boys remain silent] Thank you, thank you. What a terrific audience. Stan: [annoyed at his friends' skittishness] It's just a stupid plant that makes you dumb. Touching it won't hurt you. Cartman: [takes the bag from Kyle and offers it to Stan] Then you throw it away, smartass. [Stan walked into that one] Stan: Fine, I will. [takes the bag and walks over to the stump, faces the boys, and tosses the joint into the bag] There, see? I touched marijuana. I'm not a t*rror1st, I didn't sh**t anybody, and I don't feel like doing more drugs now. No big deal. [South Park, night. To the sound of dramatic music, lightning relentlessly flashes all over town. Stan's house is shown as lightning strikes it. In the living room Stan watches "The Osbournes" with his grandfather. Ozzy is shown in his living room talking to his kids] Ozzy: You kids [bleep] don't [bleep] around with your [bleep] mom! Jack: Dad, we [bleep]ing can't! It's a big [bleep]ick a [bleep] Sharon: [enters scolding] Stan, what did I tell you about watching The Osbournes? Stan: Aw, come on, Mom. Sharon: It's going to make you ret*rd! [starts flipping channels, then settles on a news report, then walks away] Stan: It's just a show! It doesn't have any f*cking effect on me, for f*ck's sake! Grandpa Marvin: Oh goody. Now we can watch the news. Tom: In other news, South Park police are still looking for a craaazy man who terrorized the town one hour ago. [a silhouette of a man running is behind the words "CRAZY MAN" and a question mark is on the silhouette] The man claimed to be from the future and ran naked through the city streets screaming "The past! The past! Oh my God, it's the past!" Which is what one would expect someone in the future to yell. [a knock is heard on the front door, Sharon goes to answer it. Before her stands a disheveled man with long brown hair and stubbly beard. He's wrapped in a large towel and wears a blue cap with red piping and puff, like Stan does] Naked Man: [slurring his voice] Oh my God, it's the past! [looks at Sharon] Oh, whoa man, it's you! Sharon: Who are you? Naked Man: It's me, Mom, your son Stan. [Sharon looks shocked, and the camera zooms in on that. Behind her, still watching TV, are Stan and Marvin. Stan looks over] Randy: [joining Sharon at the door] Who is it, Sharon? Naked Man: Dad! Randy: Dad?? Look! We don't know you and you don't know us! Just go away before we call the police! Stan: [rises from the sofa and walks over] Who the f*ck is is, Mom and Dad? Naked Man: No way, it's me from the past! [looks quite relieved] Stan: I'm me from the past? Naked Man: [genuflects to Stan, who leans back a bit] No, I'm you from the future! [rises, and Randy helps him up] Oh man, this is so messed up. Randy: [pushing the man out the door] Okay, we've had enough! Naked Man: Your name's Randy Marsh, you're a geologist, and you don't like chicken. Mom, your maiden name is Kimble and you have a scar on your left knee from when you slipped in the swimming pool. Sharon: [in hushed tones] Randy, what's going on? Randy: [in hushed tones] I don't know. Naked Man: Dude, just let me talk to you for like, five minutes. After that I'll bail. [The Marsh dining room. The naked man is now dressed in street clothes and seated at the head of the table. He's emjoying a beer and regular cigarette. The others look dazed and confused at the man as he recounts his memories] Future Stan: I can still remember when I was five and you both found that squirrel I'd been keeping in the closet and, you let me keep it for another week and then it ran away but... I know that's just what you told me. I know that Mom had actually let it out. Randy: How could he possibly know all that unless... he is our son from the future. Sharon: But why are you back in this time with us, son? Future Stan: I have no idea, man. I was just about to go asleep in an alley behind the crackhouse, [Stan is aghast at what he would becme] and I sh*t up a little heroin, and then this electrical storm started. Next thing I knew I was running around in my own past, man. I thought... I was just tripping, but then I came down and I was still here. Oh, dude, it's so bizarre! Stan: Oh dude, I should have never touched that marijuana! Randy: [laying hands on the man's shoulder] Stan, whatever's happened, we going to help you. Sharon: [reaching out] That's right. We're a family no matter what time shift. Future Stan: Thanks. Can I get another beer? Sharon: You must be exhausted. Why don't you get some sleep? Future Stan: That'd be k*ller. Where can I crash? Sharon: Well I'm sure Stan wouldn't mind his room, would you, Stan? Stan: What?? I have to share my room with my future self?? Oh no! [squeezes his eyes shut and buries them in his right hand] Singer: Here we are, face to face, "My Future Self -n- Me" [Stan and Future Stan stroll down a road. Future Stan has a beer] Stan: [right at the camera] Stop it! Singer: So much alike, and yet so different Stan: [Stan's future self joins him in bed after freshening up in the bathroom] No! Singer: One of them's messy, the other one's clean! [Stan's future self turns off the light while Stan looks pissed off] Gettin' along isn't always easy, sometimes we disagree [Stan's future self brushes his teeth as Stan stands next to him, avoiding him. Future Stan spits his frothy toothpaste into the sink] Stan: Quit it! Singer: But in the end we know we're good for each other [both Stans eat cereal, but the future Stan has trouble pouring milk into his bowl. It splashes out of the bowl along with some cereal. Stan just buries his face in his hands in frustration] Two peas in a pod, Future Self -n- Me Future Self -n- Me, Future Self -n- [Now they have separate beds. Stan turns the light out and tries to sleep. Future Stan reaches over to turn it on. Stan moves to turn it on, and they fight over the switch until one of them sleeps] Me [Bus stop, next day. Stan arrives with future Stan] Stan: Hey guys. Kyle, Cartman: Hey. Future Stan: Whoa, Kyle and Cartman! It's so cool to see you guys. Cartman: Who's this assh*le? Stan: This is my future self. He came during the electrical storm last night and is caught in a time matrix. He's me when I'm 32. Kyle: Wow. That's pretty cool. Cartman: Then how does he know our names? Kyle: 'Cause, artard, he's Stan from the future. He knows everything Stan knows. Cartman: Ohhh. Wait. Stan becomes this douchebag? Future Stan: Yeah, I spent a lot of my teenage years on a slow downward spiral experimenting with drugs and alcohol. [Cartman has a hearty laugh] Stan: Shut up, Cartman! Cartman: That is so awesome!! Thank you God! [bows deeply] Oh praise God! Kyle: Hey, what happens to me in the future? Future Stan: Oh, I don't know. You guys stayed away from drugs, so you're okay. I just lost touch with you after I was sent to Juvi Hall in 2006. Cartman: [pats Stan on the back] Juvi Hall! [laughs heartily, then gloats] Stan's a loser! Stan's a loser! [laughs heartily] Stan: [under his breath] God-damnit! [South Park Elementary, after school, Garrison's classroom. Stan and Butters are seated next to each other, and there are no other kids around] Stan: Thanks for staying after school and tutoring me, Butters. Butters: Uh well, sure thing, Stan. Eh, how come you care about schoolwork all of a sudden? Stan: I told you, I can't stand my future self. I have to do whatever I can to not become a loser like him. Butters: Well, studying is the golden key to the imposing door of success. Stan: I just can't stand having my future self around all the time! It's driving me crazy! [gets off his seat and starts pacing the floor] Maybe if I get smarter I won't become him and I won't have to share my room! Butters: I know what you mean. I hate having my future self around, too. Stan: Yeah, it's like everything I do, he... [stops and then looks at Butters] Wait a minute, what'd you say? Butters: I said, I know how you feel. My life has gone completely downhill ever since my future self moved in. I hate him! All he ever wants to do is watch Becker. And that show is so stupid. [Stan is surprised by this account] Stan: [after a moment] Dude, how long has your future self been around? Butters: Oh. I guess it's been around four months now. Stan: Four months?? And you never told anybody that you were living with yourself in the future?? Butters: Nobody asked. Stan: Where is he now? Butters: Probably watching Becker. [Butters' house, afternoon. A future Butters is watching TV and eating chips at the sofa] Becker: My name is T. Becker. The T stand for Terrific. [laughs. Future Butters finds this quite funny. Stan and Butters enter the hosue to meet future Butters.] Butters: See, here he is. Future Butters. Future self, this is my good friend,- Future Butters: Stan! Sure I remember you. Yep. Wearing that puff-ball hat like always. Linda: [walks in with a plate holding a glass of water and a bottle] Oh, hello boys. Future Butters, it's time to take your liver medicine. Stan: Liver medicine? Butters: Yeah. My future self has a bad kidney from all the drinkin' he did in high school. [an air of determination appears] Amd I need to learn to behave myself! [Stan crosses his arms and gets mad, then bolts for the door] Hey! Where are you going, Stan? [follows Stan out.] [Stan's house, moments later. Stan rushes into his room with Butters in tow] Stan: Alright, where is that sonofabitch's wallet?! Butters: Wha-, what are you lookin' for, huh Stan? Stan: Butters, don't you think it's a little bit of a coincidence that both your future self and my future self got caught in a mexterdexed time plane? [starts rifling through future Stan's clothes] Butters: Well they both got the same teacher for homeroom, too, but you didn't say anything then. Stan: Here it is. [pulls out a wallet and reads the license. It's from the future, with LOSER printed in large letters on it and an expiration date of 10-19-2043] It has to be something eh... Wait, what's this? [pulls out a Motivation Corp. key card, expiring on 12/26/02] This expires in two thousand two. Why does he have this in his wallet? Butters: I don't follow. Stan: [flips the card over to see the info on the other side] Three four five one Colfax Avenue. Come on, Butters. [heads out the door.] Butters: [excitedly] Oh! Are we out for an adventure? [follows Stan out] [Denver, night. A bus drives up to a curb on the seedy street, then takes off. Stan and Butters walk down the street] Stan: Here it is. Motivation Corp. [the camera pans up to show the name of the buidling. Stan puts the card into the reader next to the door. The door opens and Stan heads in.] Butters: [turns away. Stan stops right at the entrance] I don't think we're supposed to go in there, Stan. Maybe we should go adventurin' somewhere else. Stan: [walks up to Butters] Butters, part of being on an adventure is you go places you're not supposed to go. [heads in] Butters: Oh. Well, you're good at adventurin', huh Stan? [follows Stan in and closes the door.] [Motivation Corp., interior. Stan and Butters look down a long hallway. Stan notices a window and looks in. Several workers are at their computers matching kids up with actors who are to portray their futures selves] Stan: What the hell is going on here? A voice: It should take about a month to achieve the results you want. [Stan hears the voice and pulls Butters behind some bushes underneath the window. Stan peeks out over the bushes. The director appears with a couple ] Well, Mr. and Mrs. Brooks, I think you're going to be very pleased with the results. Mr. Brooks: We sure hope so. We just don't know how to talk to our son about drugs. Director: Well now you won't have to! Ah, here he is. This is Josh Casher. He'll be playing the role of your future son. Josh: Nice to meet you, "Mom and Dad." [they all laugh heartily] Mrs. Brooks: My goodness, he does look a little like Kevin. Director: Yes, and he knows all your family history and every detail of your house. And he's worked up quite a future for your son. Mr. Casher: I'm going to tell him that I dropped out of school and went to prison for eight years, where I was sodomized. In the ass. Mrs. Brooks: Woohoo, that should get Kevin to stay clear of drugs. Mr. Brooks: Heh it sure should, heh. Director: Alright, then we'll put the fake news report out on Tuesday night. Make sure your son is watching the Channel 4 News. Mr. Brooks: Oh, and that's when uh you'll fake the electrical storm as well? Director: Motivation Corp. takes care of everything. [hands out some stapled sheets of paper] Just follow these simple scripts when your actor arrives. Mrs. Brooks: [reads from her script] "Listen to me, you crazy person, there's no way you can be from the future." Oh this is going to be fun. [Motivation Corp., interior. Stan hurries out of there with Butters close behind.] Stan: I can't believe it! It's all a scam! Butters: Yeah, I can't believe it! Stan: They've all been lying to us this whole time! Butters: This whole time! I wonder if my future self knows anything about this? [thinks about this a minute. Stan lowers his eyelids to half-closed as he realizes Butters is still clueless] Hey, maybe my future self remembers this happening, a-and can shed some light on this subject. Stan: [closes his eyes a bit, then] Butters, don't you get it?! Those assholes aren't our future selves! Our parents hired them to make us more motivated! Butters: Eh, but then why did they come back to the past Stan: They didn't come back to the past, you dumbass, they're actors! Butters: Oh... Oohhhh. [Stan rolls his eyes] But that's like they're lyin' Stan: It is lying, Butters. Your parents lied to you and my parents lied to me! Get it! Butters: Ohhh, that makes me angry! Why, if Professor Chaos were here he'd make everyone pay! Stan: Who's that? Butters: You know, Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and disorder! Stan: What? Butters: Follow me back home, Stan. It's time I let you in on a horrible s-secret! [heads off. This time, Stan follows] [Butters' house, later. An upper light is on. Butters leads Stan into his bedroom.] Butters: Wait right here, Stan. I warn you: you may not like what you're about to see. [slides his closet door open, steps inside the closet, and slides the door shut] Stan: We have to teach our parents a lesson! Show them they can't just play with our emotions like that! Butters: [jumps out of the closet and cackles] Now you know my terrible secret! Stan: ...You're gay? [Butters loses his moment] It's fine if you're gay, Butters. I don't care. Butters: Huh? Naw, I'm Professor Chaos, Stan. Stan: But we have to teach our parents a lesson, Butters! We're running away! Help me find the perfect place to run away to! [walks off] Butters: [walks downtrodden to the mirror and looks at himself] Mm. Uhm, maybe I used a little too much silver. [Stan's room, next day. Stan and Butters are on the floor. Butters is reading the newspaper as Stan watches on.] Butters: How about this? Winter Farm. It looks kinda nice. Stan: No, we gotta run away somewhere warm. Butters: Wow, look at this, Stan. [reads from the paper] "Are you sick of your parents? Do you want revenge for something they've done to you? Call the Parental Revenge Center of Western America for a free con-sul-ta-tion. Results guaranteed." Stan: [heading for the phone] Dude, I didn't know there was such a thing. [picks up the phone receiver and starts punching in the numbers] Butters: Hey look, somebody lost their pet. Stan: Uh, hi, is this the Parental Revenge Center of Western America? [listens for the answer] Ah I'm really pissed off at my parents and I wanna impose swift and horrible revenge upon them? Butters: Look, you can make your weiner bigger in just three weeks. Stan: [still on the phone] Oh really? Oh, okay, uh where are you located, please? [listens and writes down the address] Great, uumm, can I come by tomorrow? Butters: This lady'll massage your weiner for ninety-five dollars. Well that's a pretty good deal. Stan: Eleven o'clock is great. Thank you. [hangs up] That was easy! I just have to go to their office and they'll help me figure out how to get back at my parents! Butters: [rises on his knees] Hah-hey, I wanna get revenge on my douchebag parents, too. Stan: Fine, then you can come with me. [heads out the door] Butters: Hooray! [follows him out] And then we can make our weiners bigger, and have the lady massage them. [South Park, commercial district. Stan and Butters run down the street and turn the corner into an alley. Stan checks the address] Stan: I guess this is it. [Parental Revenge Center of Western America. The headquarters are quite shabby. What looks like computers and monitors are just cardboard boxes with crude drawings on them. Stan and Butters enter. They look around as they approach the main desk] Stan: Uh hello, we're here about the revenge on our parents? Cartman: [an egg-shaped chair is seen, with its back to the boys] Yes, come in, please. [the chair turns around, and Cartman appears seated on it.] Stan: Cartman?? Cartman: Oh, Stan, Butters, I didn't know it was you guys. Stan: What the hell are you doing here?! Cartman: I'm running a business, Stan. Are you my eleven o'clock? Butters: You're the Parental Revenge Center of Western America?? Stan: God-damnit, I knew this was too good to be true! Come on, Butters, let's go. [both boys turn and walk towards the door] Cartman: Eh, so, you don't want to make your parents suffer and pay for mistreating you, then? [Stan and Butters stop in their tracks] Look, ah, I don't know what your parents did to you, but if you're here, I take it they pissed you off pretty good. Maybe you should at least ...hear what I have to offer? Stan: [turns around] Oh, sorry. I thought this was a legitimate business! Cartman: That it is, I assure you. I started this business over three months ago from the ground up. I've beenhelping children get back at their parents ever since. Stan: How many parents have you exacted revenge upon?! Cartman: Craig's. a-and Clyde's. Oh and and Kyle's, but that was a freebie. Look, I run a legitimate business hre with state-of-the-art computers, charts, and technology. Look around you. I know how it feels to be really, really pissed off at your parents. And I will work hard, for you. [Stan and Butters think a moment, then take seats before Cartman] Stan: Our moms and dads lied to us about those future selves! It was just a trick to get us to not wanna try drugs or alcohol. Cartman: [lets out a heavy sigh] God-damnit! See? This is exactly why I started this business. If a parent can't respect their child, than who can they respect, huh? Butters: Yeah! Cartman: Listen! Parents understand one thing, and that's consequences. They need to see consequences from their actions, or else they'll never learn. What my company does is inflicts those consequences upon the parents in a very real and very direct way. Stan: How much is this going to cost us? Cartman: Eighteen thousand dollars. [Butters looks to Stan for guidance] How about just... three hundred and eighty seven easy payments of a hundred ninety nine, ninety five. [Stan still looks angry, Butters follows] How about five bucks? [Motivation Corp., day. ] Director: So, everything is working out with your future actor? Your son seems to be responding. Randy: I think he's pretty scared alright. Sharon: It's just a little weird having people lying to our boy like this. Director: Well, you know what us ultra-liberals say, when it comes to children and drugs, lies are OK. The ends justify the means. We'll take smoking, for instance. The truth is there's no hard evidence that second-hand smoke can k*ll but, we believe it's okay to lie about it as long as it gets people to stop smoking. Sharon: Well that makes sense. Director: So it is with everything here at Motivation Corp. It's okay for us to lie and tell kids that all marijuana supports terrorism. [a sh*t of a marijuana leaf superimposed over the burning World Trade Center] Or that... one pill of Ecstacy is gonna k*ll them. It's not necessarily true, but the ends justify the means. Randy: Well I think when this is all over, our son is gonna thank us. [Parental Revenge Center of Western America. Cartman prepares to lay out his plans for Stan and Butters. His cap is gone, as is the egg-shell chair.] Cartman: Okay, Butters, let's start with you. I thnk I've found a great way to get revenge on your parents. Just... tell me if I'm going in the right direction here. [displays a few brochures and opens one] What we're going to do, Butters, is we're going to wait for your parents to leave the house, and then, smear all the walls... with poop. Butters: Hwuhh. That'll make them awful sore. Cartman: Now, I want you to take a look at some of these poop swatches. [displays some swatches with poop samples on them] Butters: Poop- poop swatches? Cartman: Poop comes in a lot of varieties, Butters. I wanna find the perfect one, tailored to your revenge on your parents. Butters: Hey, that's neato, huh, Stan? Cartman: Now, personally, I like the baby green. [switches to a new swatch] But I also think the classic brown would go nicely with your house. Butters: Wow, Eh eh you sure are a p-professional, Eric! I don't know which swatch I like best. Cartman: Well, y-you know what we could do, uh, uh Butters, is go with the baby green in the living room, and then maybe a classic brown, or even a nut-n-corn crunch in your parents' bedroom. Butters: Well that sounds good. Cartman: Okay, well let's do that then. That looks nice. Butters: Hooray! Cartman: Alright, now, Stan. For you I've put together a really nice design. I feel your parents were a bit more cocky about lying to you and your revenge needs to reflect that. So what I wanna to is put a note on your parents' door, telling them I'm the counselor from the school. Stan: [brightly] Yeah. Cartman: The note will inform them that a problem has come up and they need to see me right-away, back at my office. Stan: Yeah. Cartman: Your parents will drive all the way out to the school and discover that no meeting is actually taking place. Stan: Yeah! Cartman: And while they're gone, we're gonna smear all their walls with poop. [Stan's excitement vanishes] Butters: Wow! Neato! Stan: That's not neato, that sucks. Cartman: What? Stan: You're gonna smear Butters' parent's walls with poop. I thought his revenge was unique and customized! Cartman: Poop-smearing is the hot ticket right now, Stan, and... have you seen the poop swatches. Stan: Dude, that's not extreme enough! My parents aren't gonna learn their lesson from having some crap smeared on their walls! I want them to see what they did was wrong! I want them to have them to admit that they lied to me! Cartman: Okay, okay, fine. I I just, I just, ...my first idea. That's why we have these consultations. [throws the brochure away and gets some paper from inside the desk] Okay, okay, lemme, lemme see here. Uh. Oh wait, oh this is nice. How about this: uh, we'll lure your parents out of the house, and then we'll k*ll them. Uh, we'll cut them up into little pieces and feed them to the dog Stan: Dude! Cartman: Extreme enough for you? How's Wednesday? Stan: No, that's too extreme! Cartman: [sighs] Well first it's not extreme enough and then it's too extreme; where do you want it? Stan: Just forget it, Cartman! You don't know what you're doing! [leaves his seat and heads for the door.] Cartman: I'm a professional, suh! [watches Stan leave] Don't worry about it, Butters. You're gonna be a hundred percent satisfied. [The Marsh house, day. All the Marshes are at the dining room table eating tacos and chips] Stan: Hey future self. Future Stan: Yes, former self? Stan: You know that thing that I kept hidden in the hold in the wall for two years that I've never told anybody about? [future Stan looks at Stan as if the boy were crazy] You know, the thing that I take out of the shoebox every night before I go to sleep? Future Stan: Oh, uh... Stan: You must know what I'm talking about. Future Stan: Sure uh, uh, [quickly rises from the table and walks toward the dining room entrance] oh man, could you all excuse me for a second? I think I'm gonna crap my pants. [leaves. Stan crosses his arms, quite annoyed] Sharon: Uh, Stan, [Randy stops eating his taco and looks at Stan] don't you think you're upsetting your future self a little? Randy: Yeah, Stan, don't be so hard on yourself. Stan: Mom, Dad, I don't think that guy is from the future. [Sharon and Randy shift in their chairs] Randy: Oh. You. You don't? Stan: No. [plants his hands along the table's edge] You know what I think? I think this is all an elaborate hoax! [crosses his arms again] And I think that whoever is doing it doesn't have very much respect for me! [uncrosses his arms] See, the best way to try to motivate somebody is by being direct with them, to be honest with them. I think the whole futre self thing is a lie, and lies are never the right way to get your message across. Randy: Well, you know what I think, Stan? Stan: What? Randy: I think he IS from the future. Sharon: Yeah, he must be. [Stan looks at them with eyebrows knitting] It's like, I jsut feel he's our son, you know? Randy: Right. That's mother's intuition; you can't argue with that. No, Stan, I think the only way you're gonna get of him is by staying clear of drugs and alcohol. Sharon: Right. [Stan looks at them with anger, then looks forard with anger] [Butters' house, day. There's a Hispanic crew in the house painting the walls with two kinds of poop colors. The furniture is covered. Cartman enters and walks around the living room] Cartman: Okay, very nice, very nice. Oh wait, uh, God-damnit! Felipe! [a painter descends from the small ladder he's on] The classic brown poop is supposed to go in the parents' bedroom! The living room is supposed to be all baby green poop! Felipe: ¿Qué? ¿La caca no esta aquí? ["What? The poop isn't here?"] Cartman: ¡La caca de moreno no es aquí! ¡Aquí es verde, señor! ¡Es verde! ¡Arriba arriba! Felipe: ¡Sí, sí señor! ["Yes, yes sir!"] Cartman: Sí, gracias. ¿Y tú? [looks in another part of the living room] ¡Carlos! ¡Carlos, no! We want a textured effect on the nut-n-corn crunch poop. That's why we [sees a sponge on the floor and picks it up] spackle with the sponge. [dips the sponge into a poop tray and spackles the wall with it] See? Spackle gently. Lo marrado. Gently, see? Marrado. Carlos: Sí. Marrado. ["Yes. Gently"] Cartman: Marrado. Spectacularrr. Carlos: Sí. [takes the sponge from Cartman and begins spackling] Cartman: God, it's so hard to find good help. [runs into Butters, who has just entered the house] Ah! Butters, like what you're seeing so far? Butters: Boy, it sure is stinky in here! Cartman: Yeah, well, three hundred gallons of poop isn't gonna smell like a garden, Butters. But I think it's coming together real nice. Butters: Look, eh, Eric, I've been thinkin', my parents are gonna be awful sore and I don't think- Cartman: Yes, well, I've done my job, haven't I? [notices another worker] ¡Pepite, Pepite, no! No come la taco la trabajar! [The Marsh house, night. Randy and Sharon talk with the future Stan] Future Stan: Yes, well, it's hard to find work in commercials, so I ended up- [the front door opens] Randy: Oh, Stan! [Sharon and Future Stan look. Stan enters the dining room] Future Stan: Oh, dude, how's it goin', man? Ey, you wanna go upstaris and play hide and go seek? Stan: [takes a seat at the table] Hide and go seek, huh?! Randy: Yeah, Stan, why don't you go upstairs and play with yourself? Stan: I don't believe that he's my future self! Randy: Yeah, but we can't be sure, so we'd better assume he is and never try that first marijuana cigarette, huh? Stan: No, I actually have a way to be sure. [whips out a meat cleaver in his right hand and places his left wrist on the table] I'm going to cut off my hand. If he is my future self, then his hand will disappear. Sharon: [rises frantically] S-stanley you don't need to do that. He-he is your future self. Stan: But I have to know for sure. [readies the cleaver] Randy: [stammers] Don't be silly, Stan. You don't wanna go through life without one of your hands. [Sharon is fearful] Stan: Maybe it's the hand I smoked that first joint with. Here I go. I'm gonna do it. Randy: Stan... Stan: Yes? Randy: Uh... nothing. Go ahead. Sharon: Randy! Stan: [lowers the cleaver onto his wrist. The left hand falls away, and he lifts his left arm] AAAH! [a red area marks where the left hand was] Randy: AAAHHH! Oh my God! Look! [points. Stan looks behind his seat. Randy moves quickly to Future Stan and chops off his left hand. Blood spurts out. Stan faces the adults again as Future Stan screams in pain] What? His hand did disappear! He is you from the future! Future Stan: Oh, Jesus Christ! Help me! Stan: That's weird, because I really didn't cut off my hand. It was fake. Randy: Uh.. [tries to put Future Stan's back in place] Look, it was fake in the future, too. [Future Stan passes out in shock] Sharon: Looks like you'd better really watch out for marijuana, huh Stan? [Butters' house. Cartman stands with his crew behind him, their work finished.] Cartman: Well Butters, I hope you like the work. I'm sure your parents will be plenty pissed off. Butters: Uh, and after my parents get angry, uh how do we get the poop off the walls? Cartman: Ooo, ah, that's a different company. [the doorbell rings] Oh! Someone's here! We'd better run out the back! Pepite! Carlos! ­¡Vamonos! Butters: Uh but Cartman! Wait! [once Cartman and crew leave, Butters faces the front door] Oh Christmas! [the door opens and Stan enters] Stan: Butters! Butters: Oh, Stan! Stan: Butters, we've go-! Oh, God, it smells in here. Butters: Yeah, well, three hundred gallons of poop isn't gonna smell like a garden. Stan: Butters, we're running away! Butters: We are? Stan: Our parents are never gonna admit what they did was wrong, and they're never gonna change! [Chris, Linda, and future Butters enter with groceries] Chris: What the hell is this?! Linda: Oh my God, our house! Butters: [squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face in his hands] Oh Geez, ah, I'm gonna get it now Chris: [both parents approach with hands on hips] Butters! Do you have an explanation for this?! Butters: Oh, not really sir, I just uh... Linda: Wait a minute. Chris, don't you see? This might be our fault. Chris: What, uh-? My God. You're right, Linda. This is what we get for deceiving our son. Stan: [watching his words fall apart] Huh? Chris: Butters, listen. The whole future self thing, well, it was a dirty fib. Linda: We just so desperately wanted you to never try drugs that we used a big scare tactic instead of ...telling you the truth. Chris: We though the ends justified the means, but they don't. They just... don't, son! [starts crying as he and Linda hug Butters] Linda: We're sorry, baby. [starts crying also. Butters, feeling the love, smiles, then grins.] Stan: Get the f*ck out of here. [Randy and Sharon rush into the house] Randy: Stan! Stan! Oh. Okay, uh, you you might be wondering why Butters has a future self, too. Sharon: Yes, well, eh you see, son, the time matrix pulled in more people from the future. Stan: Aw, stop it, you guys! I know all about Motivation Corp.! All I've been trying to get you guys to do is admit that you lied to me! Randy: Oh... Well... Son, we've just been trying to make sure you know how dangerous drugs like pot are. Stan: I've been told a lot of things about pot, but I've come to find out a lot of those things aren't true! So I don't know what to believe! Randy: Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you k*ll people, and ...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, but... Well son, pot makes yuu feel fine with being bored and... It's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or... being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything. Stan: I really, really wish you just would have told me that from the beginning. Sharon: He's right. If we use lies and exaggerations to keep kids off drugs, then they're never gonna believe anything we tell them Randy: Well, there's only one person I can blame. Motivation Corp.! [Outside Motivation Corp., day. Randy, Sharon, Stan, and Cartman look at the building and listen at the voices coming out of it] Director: Oh God, who smeared crap all over our walls?! Oh Jesus, it smells! Oh! Randy: You really did a nice job, Eric. [Sharon holds a box of cookies] Stan: Yeah, I gotta admit. You really came through. Thank you. I thought the hangover black went really nice in the lobby. Sharon: Well here, Eric, I baked you a huge box of cookies as a present. Cartman: Thanks. But you know, all this talk about future selves has made me think, maybe I should ...take better care of myself. I mean, maybe I should think about who I'm going to become. Future Cartman: [tall and fit, arrives] Atta boy, Eric. You've made the right choice. Cartman: Who the hell are you? Future Cartman: Haha, it's me, Cartman! You from the future. [genuflects] I came back to tell you that this is the day you turn it all around. You stop eating junk food and you start studying harder, you stay away from drugs and alcohol and you become CEO of your own time-travel company! Cartman: [sets the box of cookies down] Oh wow, really? That's so awesome! Now I'll really work to be successful! Future Cartman: Right on! Cartman: Go have sex with yourself, assh*le! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm gonna spend my whole childhood eating what I waunt, and doin' drugs when I waunt! [The Marshes leave. He joins them] Whatevuh! I'll do what I waunt! Future Cartman: No, wait! [a flash of lightning on his body changes him into a fat plumber, his suit replaced by street clothes amd a name tag] Oh, God-damnit! [End of My Future Self N' Me]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x16 - My Future Self N' Me"}

foreverdreaming

[Cartman's house, day. In his room, Cartman has Kyle's cousin Kyle tally up his good and bad deeds to see where he will end up this year. Cousin Kyle is seated at Cartman's desk with piles of paper to go through and an adding machine to keep it all current.] Cousin Kyle: Av-a-a-alright, I'm done. Cartman: You're done? Cousin Kyle: Ye-yes, I-I've tallied up all the times you've been naughty and deducted the times you've been nice. Cartman: Yeah, so how's it look? Cousin Kyle: It doesn't look good, Eric. It doesn't look good. Cartman: But I'll still be getting presents this year, right? Cousin Kyle: a-a-aactually it looks like you're gonna owe Santa three hundred and six presents. Cartman: What?! Cousin Kyle: Four thousand three hundred and twelve instances of being naughty against three deductions of being nice, is is, is bad. Cartman: Three?? You didn't deduct all my nice invoices! Look look! What about this one? [lifts up a sheet from the desk] Cousin Kyle: Yes, wa-a-I didn't think "hitting Clyde in the balls with slingshot" really counted as nice. Cartman: It was nice for Token; he laughed for like 20 minutes. Cousin Kyle: Ye you can't deduct things like that, Eric. Santa will know and then he'll come after you. Cartman: [lunges at Cousin Kyle and grabs him by the left arm] God-damnit I have to get that Haibo robot doll, you sonofabitch! Cousin Kyle: Hey hey, [Cartman lets go] I'm just your naughty-and-nice accoutant! Don't blame me for the numbers! Cartman: Haven't you seen the Haibo doll? It's like a pet, a robot pet. You have to feed it and pet it or else it dies, and it's the coolest thing ever! Santa has to bring me one! Cousin Kyle: But what, look, aren't there any other nice things you've done recently we can write off here? Cartman: [thinks a minute] Uh... Oh! I brushed my teeth last night! Cousin Kyle: Eh... brushing your teeth isn't naughty or nice... Eric, it just, it falls more into the category of... brushing your teeth. Cartman: Well there's still time before Christmas! Can't I still make up for it? Cousin Kyle: If you cure cancer... and AIDS next week, you would still owe two presents. Cartman: Jesus Christ! Cousin Kyle: Ah I'm afraid you're gonna have to find a way to do... the nicest, greaatest thing anyone has ever done. Ever. [sets his glasses right] [South Park city hall, outside, night. A decorated Christmas tree stands at one side of the entrance as the Mayor stands at the dais] Mayor McDaniels: Good evening, everyone. In a moment we'll be lighting the South Park Christmas Tree to kick off the holidays! Townsfolk: Hooray!! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree! [Everyone in town is there, and some out of towners too. Seen in the crowd are Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh, Shelley, Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria, Chef and his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, Skeeter, Dr. Mephesto and Kevin, a Visitor, Fr. Maxi, Big-Gay Al, Mr. Adler, The Thompsons, a freak, Lolly, Mr. and Mrs. McCormick, and Kevin McCormick] Christmas Tree! Cartman: [walks up to Stan and Kyle, who are holding candy canes] Hi guys! ["Christmas Tree!" Cartman is feeling quite cheerful. He hugs both Stan and Kyle] Very Merry Christmas. God bless one, everyone! [he lets go] Kyle: [naturally weary of Cartman's cheer]What are you doing, Cartman? Cartman: I'm just letting you know how special you are to me. Mayor McDaniels: But now, before we light the tree, I think we should all reflect for a moment on those who are less fortunate than us. [That gets the boys' attention] Right now in Iraq there are children who fear us and what we might do to their country. The thr*at of w*r touches us all, but over in Iraq, their is no Christmas. They have nothing. Jimbo: [to Ned] Ah I hate when the Mayor uses Christmas for her own political agenda. [uses his hands to make a megaphone and yells] Light the damn tree! Townsfolk: YEAH! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree! Cartman: You guys, that's it! Kyle: What's it? Cartman: Don't you see? This time of year we should be bringing Christmas to the less fortunate! Follow me! [leaves in high spirits, then returns] You guys, come on! Right now! [Stan and Kyle shrug, then follow Cartman.] Mayor McDaniels: Ahalright, here to light the Christmas Tree is a very special young man who shows us all the true meaning of Christmas. Jimmy. [aide 2 sets up a small mic for Jimmy to sing into. The crowd cheers as Jimmy approaces the mic.] Jimmy: Wow, what a terrific audience. Thank you for giving me this great honor, Mayor. B-before I l, l.. light the tree, I was wondering if I could sing... my favorite ...Christmas song, real quick. Townsfolk: [sympathizing] Awww Mayor McDaniels: Well, we'd love a Christmas song, wouldn't we, folks? Townsfolk: Christmas songs! Christmas songs! Christmas songs! Jimmy: Alright, h-here it goes. On the first day of C-...c...c.. chrih.. stmas my tr... t-tru-true love g-geh... g-g-geh... gave... to... m..m-m-m...m-mm-m-m... me... a pa... a pa... pah... Mr. Garrison: Oh no. [Mr. sl*ve, dressed in Santa bondage suit, stands next to him] [Cartman's house, night. Cartman is rushing out of his house with all sorts of presents. Stan and Kyle just stand there looking at him run around.] Cartman: [breathlessly, comes out with the box and sets it down near the driveway] ...and here's some old toys that I don't need anymore. [rushes back inside] And here! Here's some Christmas cookies! [comes out with the box of cookies and sets it down] And some holly and mistletoe! [rushes in to get it, then comes out with the box, setting it next to the box of toys] Oh, this'll the happiest Christmas the Middle East has ever seen! Guys, get those lights down from the door. We'll give them to the needy Iraqis, too. Stan: Cartman, why are you doing this? Cartman: They don't have Christmas there, guys. We have to give it to them. Kyle: That's a ret*rd idea that won't work. Why are you really doing this? A voice: [the boys look up and to their right] Hoooowwwwdy ho! [Mr. Hankey skips into view, from a house rooftop, to a garage rooftop, to hovering in front of the boys. Magic dust accompanies him] Kyle: Mr. Hankey! [an instrumental of Mr. Hankey's theme song plays] Cartman: [annoyed, softly] Oh I hate this stupid Christmas poo. [in normal voice] Hello, Mr. Hankey! A Merry Christmas to you! Mr. Hankey: Gee whiz, things sure look Christmasy out here. What are you boys doin'? Kyle: Cartman is trying to bring Christmas to Iraq. Cartman: The people of Iraq deserve a good Christmas just like everyone else. Mr. Hankey: Well, gosh, Eric, looks like you really have the Christmas spirit! [Cartman bounces around joyously] I know someone who can help. Santa Claus! Cartman: Really? Stan, Kyle: Really? Mr. Hankey: Sure. We should take this stuff to him right away! Kyle: But how are we gonna get to the North Pole? Mr. Hankey: Oh, that's no problem! We just need a little Christmas magic. [raises his little arms and stirs up some magic dust. He unleashes it on a manhole cover in the middle of the street, which begins to rumble. The sewer underneath the manhole cover bubbles up and blows the cover off, and the poo spread and swirls around. A small tornado moves from side to side, then clears away, revealing a small train made of poo.] All aboad the Poo Choo Express! Cartman: Wow! Stan: Wuh, that smells. [lifts the front of his jacket over his nose] Kyle: Yeah. [does the same] Mr. Hankey: Next stop, the North Pole! Cartman: [grabs the box of holly and mistetoe and heads for the train] Get the rest of the stuff you guys! Stan: Uh, I don't really wanna get on there. [Cartman stops] Kyle: Me neither. Cartman: You guys, we have to bring Christmas to those less fortunate! [moves on] Now come on! Mr. Hankey: Let's go, Poo Choo Train! [pulls on the whistle cord] Whistle: Poo Choo! [the trains lurches forward and leaves a train of poo behind. Soon it's running smoothly] Mr. Hankey: Poo Choo Train's layin' down its tracks with a Whistle: Poo Choo! Mr. Hankey: All the way and back! Cartman: Poo Poo Train is my favorite thing, spreading Christmas joy as we ride and sing! Kyle: Dude, what the hell has gotten into Cartman?? Stan: I don't know. Mr. Hankey: Christmastime wouldn't be the same without hugs and kisses and a Poo Choo Train. [from a view in space, the train is seen making its way to the North Pole] [South Park. Jimmy is still singing] Jimmy: ...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear t...t...tree. On the third day of C...Chrihhh...Chriiii... [The North Pole. The Poo Choo Train pulls into view, then stops] Mr. Hankey: Here we are, kids. The North Pole. [Stan and Kyle run off the train and put some distance between it and themselves] Stan: Awww! [both of them release their breath and start coughing] Kyle: Finally! Stan: God, it took forever! Cartman: Wow, is that where Santa lives? Mr. Hankey: That's it. Santa's Fortress of Solitude. [The fortress is shown in all its icy glory. The boys and Mr. Hankey head for the entrance. Two icy door slide apart and a gnome appears] Gnome 1: Mr. Hankey! Mr. Hankey: We need to see Santa right away on urgent Christmas business. Gnome 1: Sure thing! [The workshop. The group enters. Gnomes are busy everywhere, moving gifts around, decorating Christmas trees] Kyle: Hey. Aren't you guys the underpants gnomes? Gmome 1: Ten months out of the year. But this time of year we help Santa! [leads the group out of the workshop] Here he is! [the group comes across Santa at his desk reading a list of names] Santa: [turns around] Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas! Stan, Kyle, Cartman: [impressed] Wow! Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho, Santa! Santa: [with open arms, approaches] Mr. Hankey, how are you? Mr. Hankey: All ready for Christmas? Santa: I was just starting to look over the new naughty and nice list the gnomes prepared for me. Cartman: Oh, heh. Are the uh tabulations all closed up then? Santa: Oh no, they keep it open until midnight of Christmas Eve. Some kids actually try to cram in a lot of niceness right at the end. Cartman: [brushes it off] Oh, that's so lame of them. [Stan looks at him] Mr. Hankey: Santa, my friends are trying to do something very special this Christmas. Tell him, Eric. Cartman: [with hands behind his back] Well Santa, it's just that... I was thinking about the people in Iraq who are afraid that we might b*mb them and I just thought, well, maybe it wouldn't hurt to send them a little bit of our Christmas spirit as well. Santa: You know you're right. Santa hasn't been to that of the world in a looong time. Perhaps Santa could bring peace to this whole situation. Cartman: That's what I thought. Santa: Gnomes! [the gnomes gather around him] Load up the sleigh with toys! Santa's going to make a special run! Mr. Hankey: All right! Santa: And you boys can all watch me from our flight control room. Cartman: Hooray! [South Park. Jimmy is still singing] Jimmy: ...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear tree. On the ...fourth day of C...C...Ca...Chriiiistmas my t-true love g-ge-gave to me-mee. [The North Pole Flight Control Room. The gnomes and boys enter the room, which is fully decorated in Christmas cheer] Gnome 1: This is Santa's flight control center. From here, we can monitor Santa from satellite as he travels the globe delivering presents. Kyle: Wow, cool! Mr. Hankey: Hey, it looks like Santa has already made it to Baghdad. [four camera angles show Santa arriving in Baghdad: two side angles, one overhead, one front] [Baghdad, Iraq. Santa sails over the city] Santa: Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas, everyone! [the Iraqi adults stop and look up. Two presents drop down before a house, the door opens, and two kids look at the gifts with saucer eyes. They come out and pick up the gifts, grinning brightly. They glance up at Santa, then look back at their gifts] Ho ho hoo! A Merry Christmas to all! Iraqi Man 1: [black beard] Paka klakalaka Iraqi Man 2: [white beard] Anah kakadakadaka. Santa: Merry Christmas! [An Iraqi man shows up with a shoulder-mounted bazooka, aims at Santa, and fires the rocket. The sleigh is h*t and Santa loses control of it.] I'm h*t! I'm h*t! [switch to North Pole] Gnome 1: Sleigh is h*t! I repeat! Sleigh is h*t! [switch to Baghdad] Gnome 2: Ultimate failure at o-sixhundred feet! [the sleigh swings around violently, tossing Santa off. Santa holds on to one of the skids] Santa: Hold on! [climbs up to the sleigh cab] Sleigh is going down! [switch to North Pole] Gnome 1: Sleigh is going down! I repeat! Sleigh is going down! Stan: Hang on, Santa! [switch to Baghdad] Gnome 3: [heard on the sleigh's radio] Sleigh 1 is going down! We are going down! [more chatter is heard as the sleigh heads for a crash landing. The sleigh strikes the edge of a building's rooftop and knocks away some of the façade] Gnome 4: [on the sleigh's radio] Don't look down! Don't look down! Repeat! Don't look down! [the sleigh crashes and everyone who's on the ground looks for a place to hide. Presents are spilled all over. The area is soom empty save for Santa and the sleigh. Color vanishes. Switch to North Pole] Gnome 1: [on the sleigh's radio] We got a red sleigh down. We got a red sleigh down. [Arabic music is heard as the boys look at the devastation] Red Sleigh 2, this is North Pole. [no response. The boys are in shock] Red Sleigh 1, this is North Pole. [no response] Mr. Kringle? [after a moment, turns around] Gnome 5: Jesus Christ, they k*lled him! Cartman: No! Santa Claus can't be d*ad. He... He can't. Stan: Wny would Iraqis do that? Why? Mr. Hankey: It certainly doesn't seem very Christmasy of them. Santa: [over the radio] North Pole. This is Santa. Mr. Hankey: Santa! Are you alright? Gnome 2: What is your status? Santa: [on screen] Sleigh is down. Reindeer... all d*ad. Both Santa's legs are broken. Santa's... very sad. Santa will have to... oh no. They're coming for me! [the other gnomes begin to stream into the control room] Stay back, you bastards! Stay back! [the communications link is lost] Stan: Oh no. Cartman: Well what are you gnomes sitting there for?! You have to go rescue him! Gnome 5: What the hell are we supposed to do?! We're like nine inches tall! Cartman: [blubbering] Now I'm never gonna get my Haibo robot doll! Kyle: Is that what this is all about?! [Stan sh**t a quizzical stare] You came up with this whole idea so you could get a stupid toy?! [Stan is angry now] Cartman: It's not stupid! It's a toy that you can starve! If you don't feed it, it dies. It's sooo cool. Stan: Well good going, assh*le! Thanks to you, there's not gonna be any Christmas, and there's no one left to help us! Cartman: Oh, Christ. Stan, Kyle, Cartman: [gasp] Jesus! Mr. Hankey: Hey, that's right. Jesus can save anybody. Gnome 2: Follow me. You can take Santa's backup sleigh. [walks off. Mr. Hankey, the other gnomes, and the boys follow him] [South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas] Jimmy: On the fifth... day... day of... Christmas, [the townsfolk have g*n to fall asleep] ...my t-true love gave to... uh... me. Five g-g-g... golden ruh-ring... rings. [one of the mayor's aides falls asleep on her shoulder] Fuhgom... don... t-t... don... four cal...ling buh-irr [The North Pole, Fortress of Solitude] Gnome 2: We fed Jesus Christ's data into the autopilot. This slide should be able to take you right to him. Stan: I hope so, or else Santa Claus is as good as d*ad. Gnome 2: Here it is. Red Sleigh 2. [shown with its own team of reindeer] Cartman: Come on, g*ng, it's up to us to save Christmas! Mr. Hankey: Tell Santa's workers to keep making toys. We'll have Santa back in no time! Kyle: Uhhh, how d- how do we start this thing? Gnome 2: You just have to call out the reindeer's names. Cartman: Oh yeah! On Dasher, on Prancer, on Comet- Gnome 2: No, no, they're all d*ad. You have to call out the new ones. [each reindeer is highlighted as its name is called] On Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace, on Chantel. On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, on Montel. [the reindeer move forward and the sleigh soon rises into the sky] Good luck finding Jesus! [waves goodbye after them] [The night sky. The boys sail along the winds] Cartman: Wow, look, you guys! We're riding in Santa's sleigh! Mr. Hankey: We should be able to find Jesus in no time! Cartman: I'm riding in Santa's sleigh. So high above the trees at Christmastime. With candy-cane wishes and smiles- Kyle: What are you doing? Cartman: [looks at Kyle, then lowers his eyelids a bit] I'm having a precious Christmastime moment, Kyle, if you don't mind. Kyle: Singing a Christmas song isn't gonna get you nice deductions, Cartman! Don't forget: it's because of you that Santa's sleigh got sh*t down! Cartman: [draws close to Kyle] Hey, it isn't my fault that Iraqis are filled with hate! Kyle: All I'm saying is that it's gonna take a lot of singing to make up for that! Cartman: [resumes his position in back of the sleigh and speeds up his song] It's Christmas magic time, inside the sleigh, so high in the sky, eh with candy canes and chimney smiles, eh... [South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier] Jimmy: Six geese are laying... fu...five go-oldenh ...uhrings. Fodom... dom... du...du...t...du... Four calling biiirds [Baghdad. Santa is being hauled down a hall by three Iraqi soldiers. He's got bruises here and there, a bloody nose, a black eye. They enter a room] Santa: Where are you taking me?? [one soldier seems to order the other two to strap Santa into a chair] You are all being very naughty. [a general enters] Iraqi General: [soft-spoken] Why you come to Iraq, my main man? Santa: [a soldier ladles some water onto Santa] To bring happiness and joy to the children. Iraqi General: And this is...? [carries a toy train and dangles a car in front of Santa] This is what you think brings happy? [walks behnd Santa] This is material... [thrusts the toy train at Santa over the shoulder] This is commercialism! My country is sick. Sick! [throws the toy train onto Santa's body and walks away] Santa: No, your country has just lost all its Christmas spirit. [a soldier approaches and opens Santa's pants.] What's going on here?! Iraqi General: America wants to b*mb my house, my main man. They want to k*ll my wife and children. We need to know... what is their plan? Santa: I don't know, I live in the North Pole. [the general leaves, then soon returns with two rods attached to cables. A soldier cranks up the device they're connected to] What are you doing?? Iraqi General: They say that the Chinese were the first to experiment with a little shock to the testicles. Santa: Oh no. Not Santa's balls! [The general descends on Santa's balls and makes them glow. This part is not shown, save for a sh*t of Santa's back and a glow coming from the front side. A few seconds later the general removes the rods and rises, and the glow fades. Santa coughs] Iraqi General: What else is America planning?! Santa: [coughs some more, spits, and faces the general] I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you! Iraqi General: You're not in a position to k*ll anyone, my main man! I just want you to tell me America's plan! Santa: Then we're in for a long night, 'cause I don't know shit! [the general glances at the soldier, who ratches the charger up higher. Santa screams in pain] [An Italian church. Jesus stands at the altar receiving parishioners, blessing them for one thing or another] Jesus: [blessing an elderly man with a few drops of wine] In nome del mio padre, siete guarito. ["In the name of my Father, you are healed."] Elderlay man: [as he is led away] Benedicali! Benedicali! ["Bless you! Bless you!"] Woman: Jesus, mio bambino no puoi sentirsi. ["Jesus, my son can't feel himself." (he's numb)] Jesus: [blesses the infant] Il vostro bambino se arguisto. ["Your son ..."] Woman: Bene, Benedicali! ["Bless, bless you!" The boys' voices are now heard inside the church and the congregants look around. The sleigh crashes though a window and glass showers down over Jesus and the other people present] La morte rossa! ["The red death!" The sleigh alights and stops] Mr. Hankey: Hooowdy ho! [the churchgoers panic and run out of the church.] Cartman: Jesus! Jesus: Stan, Kyle, Mr. Hankey and Eric Cartman. What are you doing here, my children? Stan: Jesus, Santa's sleigh was sh*t down over Iraq! Jesus: Santa? Is he alright? Kyle: We don't know. They lost all contact with him. Jesus: We have to get him out of there. Mr. Hankey: Do you know a way? Jesus: Yes. Yes, I think I do. [approaches an ornate cabinet] We need a little Christmas miracle. [slides the door open to reveal an armory. He starts taking out an U*i] Lock and load! We're goin' in! [South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier] Jimmy: On the s...seventh day of Christmas my t...true love ... [The interrogation room. The general continues shock treatment on Santa's balls.] Iraqi General: You're a sick capitalist dog, my main man! [jabs the balls again, and Santa howls in pian] [Baghdad. Jesus, Mr. Hankey, and the boys arrive and sail over the city] Cartman: This is Baghdad? God, what a sh*thole! [Jesus looks over, Cartman notices] I mean, oh wow, these poor unfortunate people. Gnome: Red Sleiogh 2, come in. Stan: We're here. Gnome: You're coming up on the source of the signal. You're right on top of him! Jesus: He must be in that building below us. Land it on the roof, Mr. Hankey. Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho, Jesus. [the sleigh lands and a rooftop door opens.] Soldier 1: [clean-shaven] Gankueda! Jesus: [steps off the sleigh and holds his arms up] Wait here, I can handle this. Soldier 2: [bearded] Kinkeda? Kinkakueda! Jesus: Yay, look upon me, and know me. Soldier 1: Halak balah! Soldier 2: Kli malah! Jesus: My children, you should know something. [a dagger sh**t out and gets into position by his left arm] I'm packing. [quickly jabs the clean-shaven soldier in the throat, and the soldier gags to death. A g*n with sil*ncer descends along Jesus' right arm. He takes that and quickly kills the bearded soldier. He calls otu to the others on the sleigh] Let's go! [Mr. Hankey and the boys leave the sleigh] Cartman: This is such a magical Christmas adventure, you guys. [South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier] Jimmy: On the el- el- el- eleventh of C- Christmas my t...true love gave to me, e-eleven p-p-pipers p-pu-p-piping... [The interrogation room. The general is now making Santa swallow a can of oil] Iraqi General: Drink it! Drink the oil! This is all you Western capitalists want! [Jesus bursts through the door.] Santa: Jesus Christ! [Jesus kills the soldier at the charging station, then the other soldier. The genetal holds up his hands. Jesus sh**t him on the left know and he falls.] Iraqi General: Ach! Santa: Oh! Thank! Thank God for you, Jesus! [Jesus walks up to Santa and unties him] Jesus: Here. [hands him a g*n] Can you walk? Santa: Santa's legs are broken. [Jesus moves his hands over them, then steps back] Jesus: There, they are healed. [walks off. Santa follows, but turns around to face the general, who is cowering now. Santa fixes his gaze on the general and aims the g*n. After a few intense moments Santa moves the g*n off and fires twice. Jesus comes up behind Santa] Santa... Santa: I just couldn't do it. [Santa didn't miss after all. The general got one b*llet to the brain, another one that split his head open] I just couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls! [sirens go off] Mr. Hankey: More soldiers are coming! Jesus: Let's move. Move! [South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas.] Jimmy: Eight... maids are... milking... [A hallway. Jesus leads the others out] Jesus: [stops at the foot of a stairway and turns around] Get up the stairs! The sleigh is on the roof! [a soldier comes down the stairs] Kyle: Jesus, behind you! [Jesus looks at the boys. The soldier sh**t Jesus in the back] Stan, Kyle, Cartman: [in slow motion] Jesus! [in slow motion, Jesus wobbles a bit and then falls] Santa: [in slow motion] No! [fires away with his g*n, k*lling the soldier. He then approaches Jesus and holds him] Jesus. Jesus! [Jesus stammers, but nothing comes out of his mouth] No... don't worry, Jesus, it's nothing. It's just a scratch. Jesus: You're a... bad liar. [the boys are speechless] Yay. B-but we sure gave them one hell of a fight, huh? Santa: We sure did, Jesus Stan: [finding his voice] Dude, this is pretty f*cked up right here. Jesus: Uh Santa? Santa: [quickly answers] I'm here, Jesus. Jesus: Don't... don't ever... let them take away... our... Christmas spirit. [Jesus takes his last breath and expires. His halo disappears] Stan: Oh my God. The Iraqis k*lled Jesus. Kyle: You bastards. [behind them, soldiers mass at the other end of the hall] Santa: [with a g*n on each arm] Come on, kids! [turns around and rushes up the stairs. The kids follow] [The building's rooftop. Santa leads the boys out while f*ring at the pursuing Iraqi soldiers] Santa: Get to the sleigh! Get to the sleigh! [the boys run by screaming as Santa mows the soldiers down with both semiautomatics. More soldiers pour out, more bodies pile up. The boys sit down in the sleigh, and Stan and Kyle take the reins] Mr. Hankey: Start the sleigh! Stan: Uh, on Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace, on Chantel. Uhh... Kyle: On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, on Montel. [the sleigh begins to move forward and Santa runs out of a*mo. He drops the g*n and heads for the moving sleigh. He hops in and the remaining soldiers f*re at the departing sleigh. The sleigh goes up and away] Cartman: Look at me, I'm riding high in Santa's sleigh. It's Christmas special time for me- Kyle: Oh shut up, Cartman! Your Sweet Christmas act isn't fooling anybody! Cartman: Eh, it's not an act, Kyle! All I wanted was for these people to understand what Christmas means. Santa: You're right, kid. [turns the sleigh around] Mr. Hankey: What are you doin', Santa? Santa: I came to bring Christmas to Iraq and by God I'm gonna do it! [presses a button on his dashboard.] [Panels on either side of the sleigh body open up to reveal b*mb and a controller rises up in front of Santa. He releases the reins and fires a rocket. It heads for a building and Iraqis move out of the way. It hits its target, but instead of destroying it, the b*mb decorates the building in Christmas cheer. Strings of lights decorate the windows and a Christmas tree appears at the door. "Joy To The World" plays as snow comes down from the sky. The Iraqis approach in wonder] Santa: Hohoho! Merry Christmas! [the sleigh sails above a street and Santa strafes the buildings on either side with more b*mb. Each of the buildings is decorated with lights and Christmas trees, and presents appear under the trees. The sleigh goes down another street and b*mb another building. It too is decorated] Soldier: [directing another soldier with a bazooka ready to f*re] Dakadaka! Stan: RPG, four o'clock! [Santa activates a laser, which rises over the boys and fires at the soldier's bazooka. It becomes a giant candy cane. The soldiers are surprised. Santa fires at a group of people holding baskets of bread and a woman holding a chicken. The baskets become gifts, while the chicken becomes a large gingerbread man. A r*fle in one man's hands becomes a Christmas wreath.] Mr. Hankey: Boy, things are starting to look Christmasy now! Santa: Merry Christmas! Hohoho! [Santa makes another pass down a decorated street and drops five more b*mb. They leave behind five snowmen. The Iraqis are surprised and confused by all these presents. The kids are terribly pleased with theirs.] Santa: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! Hohohohoho! [South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The mayor's assistants are asleep and the mayor is getting sleepy] Jimmy: And a p-p-par-tridge in a p-peeeaaar treeee. [a moment of silence follows. No more is heard from Jimmy] Mayor McDaniels: That's it? That's it! The song's over! We can light the tree! [heads for the dais. Her aides follow. The townsfolk rouse themselves.] Towsfolk: [cheering heartily] Hurrah! Woohoo! Yay! Jimbo: Oh, finally! Mayor McDaniels: Go on, Jimmy! There's only five more seconds until Christmas! [hands him the detonator by which to light the tree. The townsfolk are glad with anticipation, making fists. Jimmy lowers the trigger, the tree lights up and goes dark, and then a bulb explodes] Towsfolk: Awwww! Randy: Christmas is ruined again! [they begin to disperse, but jingle bells stop them in their tracks] Santa: [heard over the jingle bells] Ho ho ho! [Santa flies over the gathering and drops a b*mb on the tree. It blazes forth with bright lights] Towsfolk: WOW!!! [cheering and applause follow. The sleigh lands and the occupants disboard] Randy: Stan! Gerald: Kyle! Kyle: [runs up to his parents] Mom! Dad! We rode on Santa's sleigh! Stan: [runs up to his parents] We brought Christmas to Iraq! Santa: [approaches the dais] Everyone! Everyone, can I please have your attention? [Cartman approaches his mom; they hug each other] Christmas is a very special time of year, but... this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day. we should remember Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus. Towsfolk: [cheering heartily] Hooray! Santa: Now, if you'll all excuse me, I've got a lot of work to do. [leaves the dais] Mr. Hankey: I'll help you, Santa! Santa: [gets into his sleigh and looks over at the boys] Oh, and boys, you might want to check under the Christmas tree. [the boys are surprised, then happy. Stan leads them to the presents. Santa takes the sleigh off the ground and away] Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! [the boys reach their presents and check them over. For a moment they look like the Iraqi kids. Their looks change back to normal as they rip off the wrapping. They all get the same gift] Stan: Wow! Look, you guys! Santa got us all Haibo dolls! [Cartman's joy vanishes] Cartman: Oh, God-damnit! Kyle: Cartman, I thought all you wanted was a Haibo doll! Cartman: Yeah, but not if you guys have one, too! Now it's worthless and gay! God-damnit I'll never try to be nice again! [kicks the toy away. The camera zooms out enough for a fourth person to walk into the sh*t] Stan: Well, all in all, I have to say this was a pretty special Christmas. Kenny: (Hey guys. What's goin' on?) Stan: Oh, hey Kenny. Kyle: Dude, where have you been? Kenny: (Oh, I've just been hanging out.) Kyle: Well come on! We gotta tell you what happened. I'm sure glad it's over with. [walks away with his Haibo doll. Stan follows with his Haibo doll, and Cartman follows with an angry look] Stan: Yeah, but I feel like things are finally back to normal. Kenny: (Yeah.) [End of Red Sleigh Down]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x17 - Red Sleigh Down"}

foreverdreaming

[Park County Fair, day. South Park is more spread out these days. Looking like a small city now. People mill around. The boys walk along a fairway. Cartman pulls out a small firecracker and tosses it on the ground before Kyle and cackles softly] Kyle: [stops so he doesn't get hurt and glares] Stop it, Cartman! Cartman: Pfaha, so funny. [pulls out another firecracker, tosses it before Kyle, and cackles] Kyle: [stops] Goddamnit Cartman, stope throwin' those stupid popping things at me! [Cartman cackles some more. The boys approach a booth: Roger's Edge] Roger: Come on and take a look, folks. We've got a lot of knives for sale here. [Stan stops before a table, "w*apon of Asia," and marvels at the w*apon displayed there.] Stan: Oh my God, look! [the other boys turn and walk up] Martial arts w*apon from the Far East. [the sign reads "Martial arts w*apon of the Far East"] Kyle: [softly] Wow, cool. Stan: Dude! We should each buy a w*apon, and then we'll be like ninjas. Cartman: Yeah. We won't have to take crap from anybody. Kyle: [turns away] Our parents won't let us have w*apon, dude. [the others turn as well] Cartman: Who's gonna tell them, dumbass?! Stan: Yeah, dude, our parents are gonna be at the stupid fair all day long. They'll never know what we bought. [the boys turn back to face the table] I'll get the tonfas. [they look like the nightsticks police use, but made of wood] Those are so sweet. Cartman: I'm gonna get those k*ller sai. [swords with horns at the hilt. Cartman notices a w*apon off to the right] Look Kenny! There's something even you can afford! A ninja shuriken [ninja star] for a dollar ninety nine. Kenny: (Shuriken. Awesome!) Roger: [approaches] Can I help you boys? [the boys step back from the table to see him.] Stan: Yeah. We wanna get one of each of these ninja w*apon. Roger: Okay, uh, you need to have your parents here when you buy them, though. I, I can't sell to anyone under eighteen without parents' permission. [the boys look at each other] Cartman: Parents? Parents?? [begins to fake a sob] Oh God! [bawls and turns away.] Roger: Uh wha, what's the matter? [Cartman wails] Stan: We, we're brothers, see, and our parents... died in a car accident last year. Cartman: Why?! [Stan begins to sob, then covers his eyes. Cartman turns around] Why?! Why did you have to take them both?! Why! [Kenny begins to sob] Why?! [Kyle observes his friends, then joins them in the sobbing] Kyle: Why do people have to keep reminding us of what we don't have?? Roger: [tries to soothe them] It's all right, it's all right boys. Don't cry, I'll... I'll just... go pack these up for you, okay? [takes a few w*apon and leaves. The boys cry a bit more, then stop] Stan: g*dd*mn, that's like the twelfth time that's worked. [Cartman's house, moments later. The boys are in his basement mastering their new w*apon. Each boy gets the w*apon he wanted. Kyle gets the yellow-ended nunchakus] Stan: [with his tonfa] Kiya! Kiya! Kyle: Kaii yo! [one end of his nunchaku hits his hat a few times] Cartman: Giya! Shut up, hippies! I'll k*ll you! [lunges] Iya! Stan: [sweeps one of his tonfa around and transforms] With my tonfa of Takanawa, I become the great and powerful ninja Sharohachi, born to fight evil and people I don't like. Kyle: Yeah. And my powerful nunchakus make me into Bounaku [he transforms], a deadly but compassionate ninja who protects those in trouble. Stan: What's your ninja name, Kenny? Kenny: [already transformed] (unintelligible) Cartman: [already transformed] Yes. And I... am Bulrog. Tough brute ninja who has dedicated his life to eradicating the world of hippies Stan: All right, ninjas! Let's go protect the world! Cartman: Kick ass! [the boys head out] [Outside, the neighborhood. The boys walk out onto a new, more-detailed landscape] Cartman: Hey you guys, you know what we should do? We should go show our w*apon to Craig and those guys. They'll be so jealous. Kenny: (Hey yeah, that'd be awesome!) Kyle: [cautions] No dude, we can't go around showing our w*apon to people. Our parents'll find out we have them. Cartman: Ech! You see, guys? This is why Jews can't be ninjas! They've got no spine! Kyle: [the background is a motion blur] You don't know anything about Jews, fatass! Cartman: Oh yeah?! My mom took me to see Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion, and Mel Gibson says you are a sloth and you are a liar. And if the Road Warrior says it, it must be true. Stan: Don't worry, Kyle. Craig's not gonna tell on us. Come, ninjas, let's go. [they walk off and approach Craig's house, which is done up in Japanese style. Stan stops and whispers] All right, this is it. Cartman: Yes. The residence of the one called... Craig. [the boys approach quickly] Kyle: I still say this is a bad idea. [Craig's house. Stan pounds on the door] Stan: Ninja positions! [the boys get into their first positions and Craig opens the door] Hello, Craig! Cartman: [shows off his sai] Look what we got. Craig: Where'd you get those? Stan: We can't tell you where we got 'em! It's secret ninja stuff. Cartman: [moves past Stan] Oooh, is that jealousy I see in your eyes, Craig? Mmm, yes, drown me in the sweet water of your envy. Craig: Uh, uh, they're not that cool. Stan: Hyeah, "they're not that cool." These are real authentic w*apon from the Far East. Kyle: But don't tell anybody we have them. Cartman: Ugh. Token: [appears with Clyde, behind Craig] Whoa! Where'd you get those?? Clyde: Let me see. Stan: Uh, we'd love to hang out guys, but we have important secret work to do. [turns and walks away] Cartman: Yes. The life of a ninja is complex and full of peril. [he and the other two turn and walk away as well] Come on, ninjas! All: Ho! [they trot off. Craig closes the door] [On the road] Cartman: Ho man, did you see the look on Craig's face?! That was awesome! Stan: Dude, we're like the coolest kids in the whole state! [Butters shows up before them] Butters: Huhey fellas. What's happenin'? Cartman: We're playing Ninjas, Butters. Butters: Wowee! Hey, can I play, uhninjas with you? Cartman: No, Butters. We are a very select elite fighting team sent to protect the world from evil, and you can't play with us. Stan: Yeah, Butters. You wouldn't make a very good ninja. Come on, guys. [the boys turn and walk off] We have a lot of work to do. Cartman: Yes, and no time to do it. No time... [Butters stands in the open alone] Butters: I think I'd make a really good ninja. [turns right and walks off towards home dejected] Jeez, those guys never let me play with them. Uh they just shun me all the time. [opens the front door and enters] [Butter's house. He walks past behind the couch, where his mom reads a book unaware of the emotion in his voice] Butters: I'm a lost soul. A dark lonely shadow of a person- Linda: Hi Butters. Butters: Hi Mom. [walks upstairs] -a castaway, forced to live his life out in solitude. [enters his room and heads for the closet] And it's because of times like these I was forced to a life of evil. [enters the closet] Society cast me out, and so I vowed to make them all pay! And pay they did! Nobody knows that beneath this sweet eight-year-old little boy lies the most evil, the most destructive supervillain of all time! [one swoosh of his cape and he transforms] Professor Chaos! [he holds his hands some distance apart and a ball of energy appears. This electrifies his whole body] Let's see how you like dealing with me, ninjas! [cackles. Now transformed, he makes his way downstairs. The stairs crack under his weight. He smashes his left fist into the wall, leaving a small crater in it. His mom looks on from the couch] Linda: Oooh, Butters, are you going out to play again? Butters: [in a gravelly voice] Yeah Mom, I'm jus' goin' outside for a little while. Linda: Well, could you be a sweetie and take that pie over there to the Thomsons. I made it to thank them for babysitting you last week. Butters: Well, okay-okay Mom. [sees the pie on the small end table by the foot of the stairs and carries it off] Bah! Gah! [in his mind, he's big and powerful. Every step he takes affects the house. The first dislodges the family portrait, the second dislodges it moer, the third knocks it to the ground. He opens the front door, goes out and slams it sh*t, knocking it off its hinges] [On the road. The boys are shown in their anime forms] Stan: Hm, this doesn't seem to be the right way. My ninja sense is telling me we might be heading in the wrong direction. Kyle: Okay, hang on guys. I'll use my special power to see into the future and find out where we should head next. Cartman: Hold on you guys. I actually have another power. I can see into the future too, but better than Kyle. Let me try it. Kyle: Goddamnit, Cartman! You can't keep making up new powers! Stan: Yeah dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with! Cartman: I am Bulrog and I have lots and lots of powers. Kyle: No assh*le! From now on you only get to have ONE power! So what is it?! Cartman: I have the power to have all the powers I want. Kyle: That doesn't count, fatass! Stan: Yeah, that it, Cartman! You don't get to have any powers! Cartman: [protests] C'mon! Butters: Haaa hahahaha! [he appears with energy bristling all around him] Well well well! If it isn't the four ninjas! Kyle: Who the hell is that?? Stan: I dunno. Craig, is that you? Butters: [strikes a ground pose] Fools! [jumps into the air and more energy surges from him. A fireball appears between his hands] I am Professor Chaos! Bringer of Destruction and Doom! [closeup] Your feeble ninja powers are no match for me! Kyle: Whoa. Cartman: Looks like we have a sworn enemy, you guys. Kenny: (Yeah.) Stan: [steps forth] Very well, Professor Chaos! We'll play along. Now, fell the fiery sting of my tonfa Takanawa! [Stan strikes a battle pose and unleashes the energy from the tonfa tips. Butters shields himself with his cape, and the tonfa energy dissipates. Butters cackles] Hey kid, that knocks you down. Butters: Nuh uh! Stan: Yeah huh, I got you! Butters: Nuh uh! Because my cloak is made of a ...titanium alloy that shields me from heat! Cartman: That's bullcrap! Titanium alloy my ass! Kyle: Well, let's see how he likes the icy blasts from my nunchakus Sokuromoto! [whips them around a few times and unleashes an icy stream of energy towards Butters. The blasts knock Butters out of the air and he hits the ground with a thud.] Butters: Huh nice attempt, ninja! But now both of you shall feel the power of my Web of Holding! [leaps up into the air and jumps back down, strikes the ground with his right fist, and the ground cracks towards the boys, ending with them being tossed into the air. The boys land on the ground again and look up at Butters] Hahahahaha! You are both trapped in spiderwebs! [two spiderwebs drop down and trap Stan and Kyle] Cartman: All right, dickhole! Time for you to pay! [Cartman attempts to unleash energy with his hands, but nothing happens.] Oh no! I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villain! Kyle: Okay, okay, you can have your powers back. Cartman: All right! And now I will use my power to... [faces the other boys] turn Kyle into a chicken! Bleh! [in an instant Kyle becomes a chicken] Kyle: Goddamnit Cartman! Cartman: Hahahahahaaa ha! Now you are a chicken! Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya! Butters: Enough! Uh I grow weary of your foolishness. Professor Chaos cannot be stopped! Stan: Oh yeah?! Kenny! Use your ninja star! Kenny: (Yeah! Take this, Professor Chaos!) [shows off an eight-pointed shuriken] (Feel my wrath!) [unleashes the shuriken, and it strikes Butters in the eye. Butters' helmet flies off, revealing his mohawk and the shuriken embedded in the bloody left eye. The music abruptly stops and the boys are shown in regular form. Butters looks at the boys and bawls] Cartman: Oh, f*ck dude! Stan: [he and Kyle rush over to Butters] It's Butters. Oh my God! [the boys gather round Butters] Oh, dude! It's stuck in his eye! Kyle: What the hell did you do that for, Kenny?! Kenny: (I just threw it like Stan asked me.) Butters: It hurts! It hurts! [continues bawling] Kyle: Oh man! We are in serious trouble! Stan: [tries to soothe Butters] Ssh sshhhh. It's okay, Butters. Calm down. It's not that bad, really. Butters: [trying to catch his breath] But I... But I... But I can't see nothin'. I gotta go to the hospitalll!! [Stan looks around nervously, with gritted teeth] Stan: Okay okay, calm down, Butters! It'll be okay! [Butters composes himself and sobs softly, looking around from time to time for any sign of help] Cartman: Guys, meeting over here for a second? [the boys move off and huddle] All right you guys, we need to stay calm and just do the right thing. We have to k*ll Butters and bury him in Kyle's backyard. Stan: Dude, shut up! Kyle: I agree with Cartman! Stan: What?? Kyle: You don't understand what my mom will do to me if she finds out I was playing with w*apon! [a closeup of the shuriken lodged in Butters' left eye, moments later. Some pliers clamp on to it and the camera pulls back. Stan is holding the pliers and he tugs gently at the shuriken. Butters sits on a tree stump] Stan: Just stay still, Butters. Butters: [Stan tugs again] Hwa. [Stan tugs harder] Hwa! [Stan tugs even harder] Hwaaaaa! Kyle: Stop dude! You're gonna scramble his brain! Cartman: Go ahead and scramble it, then he won't remember it was us. Butters: You guys can't fix my eyeball! You have to take me to the hospital! [whimpers] Kyle: If we take him to the hospital, they're gonna find out what happened. Stan: God-damnit! Kyle: [moves off] God? Please, if you get me out of this, I swear, I will never play with w*apon ever again. Cartman: [approaches] Don't be so quick to throw off your ninja responsibility, Kyle. [to the huddle] Now, come on guys, sure, it's easy to be a ninja when everything's going your way, but it's times like these, when the chips are down, that a ninja shows his true character. Butters: Whoa, I'm getting woozy. Cartman: Shut up, Butters. [to the other boys] Now, there's a way out of this. We just have to use our... ninja reasoning. [puts his fingertipss to his temples. Kenny touches his right temple, Stan his chin] Stan: We... need a doctor... But we can't go to the hospital. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait what about the veterinarian? Cartman: Dr. Shafley? Stan: He's really old and and goin blind. Cartman: So if we make Butters up to look like a dog,... Kyle: Ohh no. Stan: We might pass him off as our pet. Butters: [sniffling] Ohoo but, but fellas, if I, if I dress up like a dog with a star in my eye, I I'm gonna get grounded. Stan, Kyle, Cartman: Shut up, Butters! Kyle: That is the dumbest idea you guys have ever come up with! I'd expect this stupidity out of Cartman, but you, Stan?? Butters needs medical attention right now!! Stan: All right, then you take him to the hospital, Kyle. You take him to the hospital and let your mom find out what happened. [Moments later. Butters is made up to look like a dog. He sobs in resignation. Kyle holds a bottle of glue.] Cartman: I need the modeling glue. We need more fur over here. [Kyle hands him the glue] Butters: [between whimpers] Uh that modeling glue is making me dizzy. Cartman: Butters! We're trying to help you, Goddamnit! Now, stop being such an assh*le! Kyle: We need some more fur. [Stan walks over to Sparky and shaves off fur from areas of his body still unshaved, then walks back to Kyle and hands him the fur. Kyle places the fur on Butters' left leg] I think that's good. Cartman: Okay, let's hear your bark, Butters. Butters: Oh. Wuff, wu-wuff. Stan: All right. Now we just gotta sneak him into town. [South Park, in what looks like Skid Row. Stan appears and walks into a clearing] Stan: [looks off to his left] Okay, it's clear. [turns right and walks on. Cartman and Kyle escort Butters between them] Cartman: Now remember, Butters, when you get to the vet's office, you need to stay down on all fours and- Butters, listen!! At the vet's office, you need to stay down on all fours and bark a lot. Butters: [practices his bark unprompted] Wuhuff, woof, woof. Kyle: We've gotta hurry, it's getting late! [some trash bin noises are heard and the boys face the source of the noises] Stan: Oh shit, somebody's coming! Kyle: Quick, hide Butters! [Cartman drags Butters to an oven] Cartman: In here! [opens its door and shoves Butters in] Butters: Uh buh, but fellas, I gotta- [Cartman closes the door. Craig and his boys appear] Craig: Aha! [the three remaing boys quickly face Craig's crew] There you are! You guys thought you were sooo cool, didn't you?! Well look at what we got! [Craig and his boys present their w*apon] Cartman: No way, you got w*apon too?? Stan: Where'd you get those? Jimmy: From the n-n-, from the nn-, from the nn- Clyde: From the nice guy at the county fair. Craig: At first we needed our parents' permission, but then we told him our parents were d*ad. Cartman: Aw man, now every douchebag in town has a w*apon! Lame! Craig: So, [unsheathes his sword] how would you ninjas like to do battle? Stan: Uh not now, Craig, we we have to be going. Craig: You can't pass through this area until you defend your honor! [Clyde crosses his kamas against each other] Kyle: He said, not now, Craig! Craig: I am not Craig, [twirls his sword] I am Ginza, [transforms] with the powerful blade of the kitana. Iya! Token: And I am Black Taku, [twirls his nunchakus and transforms] with the power of perfect spelling! Stan: Guys, we're we're really not playing, okay? [Jimmy has already transformed and leaps into the air, twirling his kali sticks around, and lands in a powerful pose] Jimmy: Wha, what, what's the m-matter, f-fellas? Are you ... nnnninjas or p-p-p-pussies? Cartman: [the boys are back in anime form] We're twice the ninjas you f*g are! Clyde: Then fight us! Cartman: Very well, Clyde. Kiyaaaa!!! Kyle: I swore to never fight again. Stan: We don't have a choice, Kyle. Just humor them. [he begins his att*ck. The other boys move forth and the fight begins] Singer: Subarashii chinchin mono Kintama no kame aru Sore no oto ha "saru bobo" Iie! Ninja ga imasu Hey hey let's go kenka suru Taisetsu no mono protect my balls! Boku ga warui so let's fighting... Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love! Kono uta chotto baka Wake ga wakaranai Eigo ga mechakucha Daijobu? We do it all the time! Hey hey let's go kenka suru... [The fight as the song progresses: Jimmy twirls his kali sticks around and aims them at Stan, unleasing two beams of energy. Stan blocks them with his tonfa. Kenny watches Craig be tossed through the air. Token sweeps his nunchakus around and unleases energy towards Kenny, who jumps clear and lets Cartman take the blow. Cartman shatters it with his sai swords. The nunchakus sweep back. Kenny falls to the ground on his ass, behind Cartman. Token att*cks Cartman with his nunchakus, but Cartman counters them with his sais, sending Token flying back a few yards. Token rubs his right shoulder. Clyde whips out his kamas and whips them around, and Kyle responds by whipping his nunchakus around. Clyde focuses on Kyle and unleashes a large amount of energy from his kamas. Craig and his crew are shown, then Craig and Kenny fly at each other. Stan takes a stand. Two silhouettes fight. A car rolls by the scene slowly, and the driver simply observes. He sees them are they are, then drives off. The scene reverts to anime letterbox and the boys continue fighting] Stan: Hey wait wait WAIT wait! [the song ends, and he looks around] Wait. [steps forward] Hold on a second. Where's Butters? [sees the open oven door, and no one in the oven] Kyle: Oh no. Butters! Cartman: Butters! Stan: [turns and faces Craig's boys] Oh, nice going, you assholes! You made us lose him! Craig: Lose who? Kyle: [approaches Craig] Butters! He got a ninja star stuck in his eye, and we were taking him to the vet when you f*cked it all up! Butters! Craig: Stuck in his eye? Was he bleeding? Cartman: Ye-yeah, a little- Butters! Get back here right now! Craig: Oh shit, you guys are in trouble. We're outta here! Stan: No dude, you gotta help us find him! Craig: The hell with that! Cartman: We're in this together, Craig! If Butters tells on us, we're gonna tell on you, and that's the ninja code! [The road, sunset. Butters walks along the side still sobbing, looking for help] Butters: Hello? Anybody-eh. [the driver appears again and slows down to observe Butters. His right eyebrow rises] Woof. Woof. Woofwoof. [his voice softens] Eh. Woof, eh. Woof. [the drives speeds up and drives off. Butters turns and continues his lonely walk. Back near Skid Row the eight boys walk along searching for Butters.] Stan: Butters! Kyle: Butters! Cartman: Here, Butters! Kenny: (Butters!) Craig: Butters! Clyde: Butters! Token: Butters! Jimmy: Bu bu bubu bu bu bubu Butters! Cartman: Butter-Butters! Kyle: Hey Butters! Stan: Butters! Kyle: Dude, look! [a black man walks up in anime form, stops, and looks around] Chef: Hello there, children! The Boys: Hey, Chef. Chef: How's it goin'? Stan: Bad. Chef: Why bad? Kyle: Uuuh, Chef, you haven't seen Butters around, have you? Chef: No, can't say that I have. Hey, what are you children doin' with those w*apon? Stan: Nnothing, just, playing. Chef: Well, you children should be careful with those. You could put somebody's eye out. Kyle: Yeah, we know. Chef: Well, I've gotta get to the fairgrounds. They're about to start the big auction. So long, children! [turns and walks away] [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Butters closes in on it, babbling incoherently and stumbling along. He enters the emergency area, moves in a few feet, and falls flat on his back] Nurse: [behind the counter] Oh my God! [leaves her station and kneels down next to Butters] What the-? Doctor? Doctor?? Dr. Doctor: [approaches and kneels down next to Butters] Jesus Christ. [Butters shakes his head and babbles] What kind of sick bastard would do this to a dog? Poor little pup. Butters: [moans, then opens his eyes] Woofwoof. Nurse: Can you help him, Doctor? Dr. Doctor: I'm afraid I wouldn't know how. Unfortunately for this little fella, I'm a people doctor. Best we call the animal shelter. Nurse: [rises and leaves] Right away. Announcer: [with recaps from the episode] In our last episode the four ninjas did battle with Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and doom. It was during that great battle that ninja master Kenny threw his star into Professor Chaos' eye. Now the ninjas were in serious trouble, because their parents might find out they had w*apon if Professor Chaos told on them. While trying to get Professor Chaos some aid at the veterinarian's office, the four ninjas ran into Craig and his three friends. They challenged the four ninjas to fight, and the legendary battle of Tokutawa began. It was during this battle that Professor Chaos escaped , and so the four ninjas were forced to join forces with Craig and his friends to find Professor Chaos, or else they would all be grounded. Stan: Butters! Kyle: Butters! Cartman: Here, Butters! Kenny: (Butters!) Craig: Butters! Clyde: Butters! Token: Butters! Craig: Butters! Where the hell are you?! Kyle: It's hopeless, dude! Butters must have made it to the hospital. By now our parents probably know we were playing with w*apon! We have to get rid of the evidence! [moves off] Stan: What? Kyle: [reaches a well and holds his nunchakus over it] Dude, we have to get rid of our w*apon so at least we can try to deny everything. Cartman: [with his sais] Screw that, dude, I paid twenty bucks for these things! Stan: Yeah, let's just go return them and get our money back. Kyle: We don't have time for that, dude! We just have to ditch them! Now! Cartman: Okay. Go ahead, Kyle. Throw your nunchakus away. If you can. But you know well that your Jewish blood won't let you. You can't throw away something you paid fifteen bucks for. Go ahead and try. Kyle: Screw you, fatass! [struggles to loosen his grip on the nunchakus] Cartman: Mel Gibson was right, Kyle. Right now the Jew in you is screamig "NO! Those cost money! Get your money back!" You know this to be true. [Kyle continues struggling and begins to grunt] Go ahead. Prove Mel Gibson wrong, Kyle. [closeup of Cartman's lips] Do it! [Kyle struggles even harder, but eventually gives in] Kyle: [walks up next to Stan] I, I can't do it. ... I can't do it. I... Stan: It's all right, Kyle. We'll go back to the fair and return them. [South Park Animal Shelter, day. Dogs and cats are heard. Inside, an elderly veterinarian pulls something along on a leash] Vet: Come on. Come on, little fella. Atta boy. [Butters appears at the other end of the leash, crawling in] Butters: [in a gravelly voice] Woof woof. [babbles incoherently. The veterinarian leads him towards a cell] Vet: Right over here. [opens the gate] Good dog. Come on. [guides Butters in] There you go, right in there. [closes the gate and locks it, then leaves] Goooood dog. [Butters babbles some more as a dog approaches from his left and sniffs. The dog pisses on him and walks away. Butters' voice rises in protest. Another dog approaches from his right, sniffs him, and pisses on him. Butters' voice rises a bit more in protest. A third dog approaches from his left, turns around, and craps on him. Butters stands up] Butters: Gaaaah! Assistant: Somebody threw a ninja star in that poor puppy's eye? Vet: It just makes me sick how some people can treat animals. [pulls out a lage syringe] Well, nothing we can do for it; let's put it to sleep, shall we? [they move back into Butters' cell] Here you go, pup. I've got a sweet dose of m*rder for you. [] What the? Blasted! He's escaped! ... Oh well, let's m*rder one of these other dogs. [The county fair, anime form, sunset] Stan: All right, the county fair's still open! [they spot Roger, shown in anime form, and approach his booth.] Roger: Can I help you boys? Stan: We have come to return the w*apon we purchased. Roger: Uh, sorry kids, ah I don't give refunds. Kyle: Listen, doucher! Our parents are gonna k*ll us, and you, if they found out that we bought these! Roger: I thought you told me your parents were d*ad. Craig: [approaches with his boys] You guys! [the other boys turn around] You guys! Stan: What is it, Craig? Craig: It's Butters! We saw 'im! Kyle: Where?! Craig: Right on the other side of the fairgrounds. He's just wandering around aimlessly. Kyle: Then it's NOT too late! Stan: Come on, Ninjas! [the boys make their way across the fairgrounds, but freeze in their tracks upon seeing the auction] Mr. Garrison: [in anime form] All right, folks, our next item up for bids is this lovely 19th Century lamp/ Stan: Aw dude, crap. All our parents are there. Craig: Butters is right on the other side. Kyle: We have to get past them! Cartman: All right. Looks like I have to use my power of invisibility to get by. Kyle: You have that power too? Cartman: I told you, Bulrog has lots and lots of powers. Behold. [steps aside and holds his arms up. He sweeps them down and disappears. He them removes his clothes and gathers them into a pile] This way, I can move about the crowd of people undetected. [walks over to Stan and hands his clothes over] Here, hold this stuff for me. Stan: [softly] Good luck, Bulrog. [Cartman leaves, with only his footsteps indicating where he's going] A Barker: Now, this lamp comes from the estate of Edna and James Hollinger, who lived in upstate Wyoming. [Cartman, in normal form, appears, tip-toeing across the stage sideways. His penis can be seen.] It has a bronze finish and actual gold leaf along the base. Uh this is a rare opportunity to own a classic antique. [Cartman changes his gait and tip-toes forward. The bidders look on] The lamp has been appraised by our auction staff at well over two thousand dollars. [Cartman changes his gait and tip-toes along sideways. One of the staffers notices Cartman and taps his colleague. The colleague looks and gasps] So we're gonna start the bidding at three hundre seventy five. Do I, do I hear three hundred and seventy five? [Cartman continues tip-toeing along and the bidders sit motionless. Eight seconds pass before Cartman stops, realizing that the crowd can indeed see him.] Kid, what the hell do you think you're doin'? [Cartman looks around, knowing he's stuck.] Butters: [wanders on stage] Haba, hava! Havahoaha! [babbles some more, then falls flat on his back again] Linda: [rises with her hands on her chest] Butters! [the auction staff encircles the boy] Randy: What happened to him? Sheila: Oh my God! Stan: Ohhh Jesus. Kyle: Oh dude, we are gonna get it now. [Park County Community Center, Emergency Town Meeting, day. The chatter among the adults present is heated] Mayor McDaniels: All right, people, we are all extremely upset over what's happened. [the boys' parents are present, with angry faces on] But let's try to speak one at a time. Man 1: Well, like the rest of you, I am shocked and appalled at what happened! I don't know if the parents are to blame or if it's the times we're living in, but something has to change! Townsfolk: [amid chatter] Yeah! I agree! Gerald: This is the worst thing that's happened in this town! [Butters is shown with a patch over his left eye and a long gauze wrapped around his head to keep the patch in place] The worst thing! Man 2: Yeah! I mean, there were children watching that auction! And when that little eight-year-old boy walked up and flashed his... penis... it was an outrage! [the adults go into an uproar again] Stan: What? Cartman: What? Skeeter: Not only that, the auction was televised on public access, so my little daughter watchin' at home saw the -penis! How am I suppsoed to explain that to her?! Sheila: This is what happens when the moral fabric of society breaks down! [the adults go into an uproar again] Mr. Garrison: [next to Mr. Mackey] You see the damage you've caused, Eric Cartman?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! Cartman: I told you it was a wardrobe malfunction! [the adults go into an uproar again] Kyle: Dude, they don't care we knocked Butters' eye out with w*apon? Stan: Just run with it, dude. Kyle: [looks around, then stands on his chair] Uh, yeah! I agree! Uh my fragile little eight-year-old mind didn't know how to deal with what I was seeing. C-Cartman should be punished! Man: Yeah! [the adults go into an uproar again] Cartman: Hey, f*ck you, Kyle! [Park County Community Center, outside. The doors open and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny exit onto the parking lot] Kyle: Heck, I c- I can't believe it. Stan: Hyeah. I guess parents don't give a crap about v*olence if there's sex things to worry about. Kyle: [pulls out his nunchakus] So I guess this means we get to keep our w*apon. Stan: [he and Kenny pull out their w*apon] Yeah. Come on, ninjas. [they transform into their anime forms] We've got some more work to do. The Boys: [leap into a pose, and the image is frozen] Hya! [End of Good Times With w*apon. Stills of the episode are shown]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "08x01 - Good Times With w*apon"}

foreverdreaming

[Stan's backyard, day. The boys are playing the "Investigative Reports with Bill Curtis" game when Timmy and Jimmy arrive] Jimmy: Hey fellas. [the boys all turn and look] Stan: Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy. Timmy: Timmy!!! Jimmy: [carries a brochure under his right arm] Say fellas, JImmy and I were wondering if maybe you would come and cheer for us next Sssaturday. We're both competing in the Special Olympics down in Denver. Cartman: [approaches Jimmy] The Special Olympics? What's so special about them? Kyle: They're Olympic games for handicapped people. Cartman: [snickers] Dude, what? Jimmy: [hands Cartman the brochure] Timmy and I are competing in a variety of events. Stan: Yeah sure, we'll come cheer you and Timmy on. Kyle: Yeah, that'd be cool. Jimmy: Thanks a lot, fellas. Well, we gotta get down to the training center and start working out. Word is we have a lot of ssstiff competition this year. Kyle: Well all right, we'll see you on Saturday, guys. Timmy: Timmy!!! [he and Jimmy walk off.] Cartman: Dude. I can't believe they exploit handicapped people like this. I mean, making them compete against each other just for our amusement. [b*at] Kyle: ...You're an assh*le, Cartman. Cartman: What? What did I do? [Denver Athletic Club, Denver, day.] WELCOME SPECIAL OLYMPICS ATHLETES ! [Inside, the athletes are working out on a variety of equipment. Jimmy and Timmy are at a bench press. Jimmy presses weights as Timmy spots him.] Jimmy: ...six!... Timmy: Timmih. Jimmy: Usss-usss-seven! Timmy: Timmih. Timmih! Jimmy: Usss-usss-seven! [oops] Timmy: Timmih! Timmiiih! Jimmy: [gets back on count, but falters] Ni-I can'-I can't! [Timmy helps Jimmy put the weights back on the bar rest] Huff. Oh man. [sits up] Gee whiz, Timmy. It looks like we have some ppppretty stiff competition this year. [another kid at a nearby bench press laughs] All of the special athletes seem to be in tip-top condition, and I can't even get past seven ru-reps. Huhh oh well, that's it for me, Timmy. I'm p-p--p-pooped. I'll see you in the locker room. Timmy: Otimmih. [Jimmy walks away] Francis: Hey Jimmy, g-good luck on Saturday. Jimmy: [turns and looks] You too, Francis. [looks forward and resumes walking. In a darkened hallway stands a big athlete with an air of hauteur about him] Big Athlete: Hey Jimmy. Jimmy: Oh hey hey, n-Nathan. Nathan: So uh, I see you train pretty hard. Jimmy: [moves into the hallway and faces Nathan] Yeah, it sure is tough. I'm training really hard, but I'm not improving fast enough, and the Special Olympics are a... week away. Nathan: Wellll, maybe I can- help you out. You know, there are shortcuts. Jimmy: What kind of shortcuts? Nathan: You know. Steroids. Jimmy: S-s--ss-s-s-steroids? [Nathan signals him to be quite as another handicapped athlete walks by] ...But aren't those illegal? Nathan: Yeah, sure, but these are new. They don't show up in our urine tests. Jimmy: So uh, ha-how do they... w-wwork? Nathan: [holds out a prescription bottle] You just take one of these little blue babies [holds up three fingers] three times a day [reaches into a fanny pack and pulls out a syringe] and inject this directly into your bloodstream [holds up two fingers] twice a day before meals. Jimmy: How much would this cost me? Nathan: Ahhh it isn't cheap. I've gotta keep vice off my back and secure shipments from overseas. Jimmy: [looks around uneasily] Well... then maybe I'll just use them a-al-little bit. You know, as a per-formance en...hancer. Nathan: Oh, whatever you say, Jimmy my friend. [steps closer] Whatever you say. [Jimmy reaches out for the drugs] [Stan's house, front yard. The boys are playing with various toy big rigs. Stan moves a gas truck, Kenny an ambulance, Kyle a tow truck] Cartman: [rushes up with the brochure] YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! I have the best idea ever! I'm gonna be rich! Kyle: What? Cartman: Dude, I was just looking at the Special Olympics brochure, and check this shit out: "At the end of the Special Olympics, a Grand Champion Special Athlete is crowned and given a cash prize of $1000" [he looks at his friends as his jaw drops] Stan: So? Cartman: So?? So dude, think about it. If somebody just pretended to be ment*lly handicapped, they could easily win the competition and get the thousand bucks! Kyle: Oh no. Cartman, no! Cartman: It's flawless! I'll act like I have a disability, and when the time come to compete I'll kick ass against all the handicappeds! Stan: That's really, really terrible, dude. Cartman: Terrible?? Whatever! You guys's brains just can't compute complex plans like mine can! It'll work, you'll see. [walks off] Kyle: [moves and catches up to Cartman] Cartman! I will not stand by and let you cheat your way to winning the Special Olympics! Cartman: Why? Kyle: Because! [takes away the brochure] Cartman: What are you gonna do, Kyle? Tell on me? [points an accusing finger at him] Then you'll be a great big no-good double-faced poopy-pants tattle-tale! [lowers it] Is that really how you deal with your problems?! Grow up, Kyle! [turns around and walks off. Kyle seethes in silence. Cartman now talks to himself] All I have to do is make people think I'm handicapped, and I get a thousand dollars. It won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is. [A montage, to the tune of "Scarface (Put It To The Limit)" Cartman sits at his computer typing away. Onscreen are his plans for looking handicapped, "Ways to Appear Handicapped." He's then at the library poring over piles of books. The librarian wheels a cartload of books over, Cartman points to the spot at which they should be dropped off, and the librarian obliges. Cartman then rides to school in the Special Ed bus, taking notes on the behavior of handicapped students. Next, he's in the bathroom at home contorting his face this way and that, then takes more notes. He leafs through another book and types in more notes into his computer, then pours himself some more coffee. Cartman goes to a clothing store looking for ill-fitting clothes. He then cobbles some customs shoes for himself. He goes home and tries them out. He goes to a CGI studio and puts on a motion suit so he can make a 3D model of himself on a computer. He takes the 3D model home and modifies it on his own computer: "Handicapped Walk Analysis." He then goes into the bathroom and cuts off clumps of his hair to look as if he were ret*rd. He goes to the living room and looks at a Kid Rock video for more inspiration and takes notes. He puts on a bicycle helmet and pulls his hair out through the holes. He assembles the various parts of his handicapped outfit and puts it on. He squishes his face upwards for the finishing touch and ties the helmet straps together well below his chin] Cartman: Darrrr. Durrrr. I wanna be in the Special Olympics. [loosens the chin straps and lowers his face to normal] Bull's eye! [Jimmy's house, bedroom, night. Jimmy is at his bed. He straps on a strip of heavy rubberband, dabs his arm a few times with alcohol, jabs the syringe into his arm and injects some liquids steroids into his arm. He loosens the rubber band and someone knocks on his door. He looks around and jumps off his bead] Jimmy: Oh! Agh! Just, just a second! [heads for his duffle bag and hauls it to his night stand. The knock is heard again] Dad: Jimmy? Jimmy: [sweeps the steroids into the bag] Hang on, I'm I'm, coming. [rushes to the closet and shoves the duffle bag in.] Dad: Jim, it's your father! Jimmy: [walking towards the door] I said I'm coming! Give me a Goddamned s-second! [realizes he still has the syringe in his mouth] Hold it. [and spits it out. He opens the door and sees his father with a cup of coffee.] Dad: Jimmy, were you masturbating? Jimmy: Nn-no, Dad. Dad: Okay. Well, you have a visitor. [the camera pans down to a pretty girl, who enters the room] Girl: Hi Jimmy. Jimmy: Oh. Hi, N-N-Nancy. Nancy: I was hoping we would study for the spelling test tomorrow. Jimmy: Oh. Sure thing. Come on in. Dad: I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Jim. Jimmy: Yeah, Dad. We've been going out since we met in Free Period last week. Dad: I'll leave you two alone. [reaches for the door, but stops] Y-you sure you weren't masturbating, Jim? It's okay if you were. Jimmy: Dad, Jesus C-Christ! Dad: Okay then. [they look at each other] [A basketball court, day. The boys take turn sh**ting hoops, but none of them make a basket. Cartman waddles into view in his handicapped getup] Cartman: Drrrrrrey drrrrrrrey. [the boys stop and look] Hey guys, what's going on? Drrrrrt. Kyle: [low voice] God damn you! Cartman: You see, gentlemen? The Special Olympics Championship and my one thousand dollars is just four days away. [This means it's Tuesday prior] I'm going to go sign up now. Kyle: No you're not! [whips out the brochure] I read the brochure, Cartman! If you're under eighteen, you have to have a parent with you to sign up for the Special Olympics. Cartman: What?? [takes the brochure back from Kyle] Kyle: It says right there "a parent has to be with you to sign up," and you'll never get your mom to agree to something so horrible, so HA! [grins confidently. Cartman looks at him, then at the brochure and reads] [Cartman's house, later. Liane is at the kitchen table paying bills. Cartman walks in from the dining room. He puts his arms behind his back] Cartman: Moooommmmm? Liane: Yes, hon? [begins writing a check] Cartman: Um, could I get you to do something for me? Liane: What's that, hon? Cartman: Um, okay. This is goin' ta sound a little strange. Um, but, stick with me. Um, moommm? Would you mind coming with me to sign up for the Special Olympics so I can b*at all the handicapped kids and win a thousand dollare? [Liane looks up and goes pale] Liane: Oh... Nno, sweetie. I believe those Olympics are just for ..."special" children. Cartman: I'm not special? I thoght you always said I was special. Liane: You are, hon, but... I don't think that's a very good idea. [writes out another check] Cartman: ...I'll split the money with you. [Liane stops] Liane: ...I'm sorry, Eric. The answer is No. [Cartman is upset and begins to think a little harder] Cartman: [walks up to the table] All right, Mom, look. Here's ...the truth. [under his breath] God, this is gonna be hard to say. [normally] I think, Mom, that I've been hard on some of the handicapped kids at school in the past. I've sometimes looked at people with disabilities as people God put here on earth for my amusement, but... now I'm starting to think... that if I could just spend one day in their shoes, ...if I could just see the challenges they face every day, ...mauye I wouldn't be so cold. I just want a chance to change. [looks up at her with longing] Help me change? Liane: Oh, a-a-all right, sweetie, I, I'll take you tomorrow. Cartman: Awesome. [Denver Athletic Club, day. Jimmy and Timmy are in the locker room getting ready to leave] Jimmy: You did a great job in the 500, Timmy. You really im-...p-p-proved. Timmy: Timmih!!! Jimmy: I think I really got a sh*t at the gold in the swimming competition. Coach says I'm the fastest he's ever seen. Well, I'll see you nice and early for p-practice, Tim-tim. Oh, uh, can you hand me my bag? Timmy: [slips on his sweater] Timmih! [reaches over for the bag and grabs a handle. The contents spill out, since he didn't grab the other handle, and he sees the steroids drop to the floor. He looks down sadly and holds the bag a litle closer. Jimmy is frozen in place. Timmy's voice shakes] Tim-Tim? Jimmy: Oh, uh, so... hey Timmy... uh hu-how about we go out for a d-d-ddoughnut later? [sweeps the steroids back into the bag. Timmy finds a bottle on his pants and looks at it. Jimmy finishes up and leaves] I'll uh, I-I'll see you later, Tim-Tim. Timmy: [turns and exclaims] Timmih... [the tone of voice stops Jimmy] Jimmy: [turns] Look it's really none of your b...b-b...beeswax, Timmy! Timmy: [rolls up to Jimmy] Timmih. Timmih! Jimmy: Because I, maybe I don't have what it takes to win with uhwithout them! Timmy: [turns aside and sighs] Timmih. [rolls away a bit] T... T-Timmih. Jimmy: You you aren't gonna... tell anybody, are you? Timmy: Huh! Timmih! T-Timmih! Jimmy: Look, it's my body and it's my choice what I put in it! Timmy: Timmih! Timmih, Jimmih. [points to himself] Arrrh Timmih! [points to himself] Jimmih! Jimmy: Don't lecture me on the complexities of sportsmanship. You know as well as I do most of the kids in Special Olympics aren't sh**ting up to compete. I'm just trying to k-keep up. Timmy: [spent] Huh... Timmih... [holds the bottle out over the floor] Timmih. Jimmy: [angered] Sssso what are you gonna do now, huh?! You gonna be a f*ck' narc and show that bbottle to the ...coaches?! [Timmy drops the bottle on the ground, turns around and rolls away. Jimmy watches him leave] Don't think you're any better than me, Timmy! I'm just living in the real world! [looks down at the bottle, then kicks the bottle away with his left crutch] [The Special Olympic Field, next day. Timmy is in the field ready for the javelin throw] Timmy: Timmih! [rolls forward and throws the javelin] Aaagyaaaaah Timmih! [the javelin hits the ground near a coach] Coach: All right, thirty yards, Timmy! Keep it up! Timmy: Oowrrr! Timmih! Livilaye! Jimmy: [runs down a track for the long jump] Yyyeess! [jumps into the air and lands]Grrrr! Coach 2: Wohuhow, Jimmy, I can't believe how much you've improved! You're bigger and stronger than I've ever seen you! Jimmy: Yeah, I've been working out... r-r-really hard. Coach 2: You keep going like this and you'll break Special Olympics records on Saturday! [The Special Olympic Field, registration table, moments later. A family of three arrives] Man: Okay, so this is all the stuff we need to sign Michael in? Volunteer: Yup. Just take the sign-up sheet down to the next table and we'll get it all finalized. Woman: Thank you very much. Volunteer: Thank you! Good luck, Michael. Michael: Thanks. Volunteer: Okay, next in line please? Cartman: [looking really ret*rd, steps up to the table with his mom] Naaaa! Daaaaa! Volunteer: Hello there. Liane: Hello. Um, I would like to... sign my son up, please. Cartman: Naaaa! Volunteer: Oh, great! What's his name? Liane: Eric Cartman Cartman: Caaartmaaan! Daaaaa! Volunteer: Okay. Age? Liane: He's nine. Volunteer: O-kay, and what's his disability? Liane: ...Um, he's ret*rd. [Cartman offers a ret*rd grin] Volunteer: ...Nno, I'm asking what his specific condition is. Down's Syndrome? Cerebral palsy? Liane: Ohhh, oh. I'm not sure. [Cartman looks up with some concern] Sweetie, what is yoru condition? Cartman: ...How should I know? I'm ret*rd. Daaaaa! Volunteer: I'll just leave that blank for now. [The Special Olympic Field, under the bleachers. Jimmy prepares to inject more steroids into his right arm] Jimmy: [performs the injection] Yeah, b-bigger, stronger! [Timmy rolls by and hears him, then raises his eyes in alarm] [South Park Elementary, day. Timmy rolls to Mr. Mackey's office, sighs and knocks.] Mr. Mackey: [opens the door] Oh, hi Timmy. Come on in. [Timmy follows Mr. Mackey in] I understand you have somethin' important you wanna talk to me about, m'kay? Timmy: [leans forward and begins] Timmy. Mr. Mackey: Well, Timmy, as your counselor, I want you to know that you can tell me anything, hm'kay? And whatever's troublin' you, I wanna try and, and help you with it. Timmy: [sighs and begins again] N, Timmy. Mr. Mackey: Mhm'kay, right, you're Timmy. ...You, you have a problem? Timmy: [shakes his head vigorously] No Timmy, Jimmy. Mr. Mackey: Ji-Jimmy? Timmy: [showing his frustration] Haaa! [remembers something] Oh, oh! [wheels over to a class picture of the fourth graders. Jimmy is at one end of the front row, with Mr. Garrison behind him. Timmy reaches up and points] Jimmy. Mr. Mackey: Oh, Jimmy Valmer! Oh, okay, what about him? Timmy: [rolls back and tries to get the story out with gestures. He demonstrates Jimmy asking for his bag] Timmih! Timmih, uh, Jimmih. [demosntrates himself handing the bag to Jimmy and seeing the contents fall out] In Timmy, Timmih Tim-oh! Tim-Timmih! [shows his reaction to the steroids] Timmmih? Jimmih! Jimmih. [demonstrates the argument between the two] Jimmih Timmih Timmih? Timmih, Timmih! Jimmih... Jimmih! Jimmih! Timmih! [demonstrates the bottle being dropped] Timmih! Mr. Mackey: [confused] Mmmmm'kaaay. I don't quite follow, Timmy. Timmy: Argh. Jimmy... Mr. Mackey: Right, Jimmy Valmer. Timmy: Uh. [demonstrates himself mindng his own buriness when he sees Jimmih sh**ting up in the shadows], Timmih Jimmih Jimmih Jim- [demonstrates the injection, then flexes his muscles and takes a sinister tone] Jimmh Timmih Timmih Jimmih! Mr. Mackey: Right. He's Jimmy, yeah. Timmy: [really frustrated] HAAAAAAAH! [Cartman's room, night. Cartman types away at his computer] Cartman: How I Will Spend My One Thousand Dollars By Eric Cartman [a knock is heard at his door] Enter! [the door opens and Kyle enters, stand there for a while, closes the door, then walks up to Cartman. A few moments of uneasy silence follows] Kyle: Cartman, I really, really have a problem with what you're doing. I object to it morally, and I find it grossly offensive. [they look at each other and Cartman closes a book he had open for reference] Cartman: Go on, Kyle. Kyle: I know that I often have serious moral objections to the things that you do, but... this time I think you really need to reconsider, because if you do this, I believe you will go to hell. So I feel it is my responsibility, as your friend, to tell people what you're doing, and to put a stop to it! Cartman: Well, Kyle, I understand where you're coming from, and I appreciate you being so direct. Um, the thing is, you really have kind a warped view on morality because you're Jewish. Now, Kyle, you haven't gone to see Mel Gibson's film, The Passion but- Kyle: I didn't come here to talk about The Passion, Cartman! Cartman: Let me finish. If you had seen The Passion you would know that Hell is reserved for the Jews, and all those who don't accept Christ. That being the case, it is actually me who is worried about your soul. Kyle: I came here to talk about you! Cartman: Yes. [hops off his seat and consoles Kyle] And instead you had to break through yourself. This is really the beginning of a whole new chapter of your life, Kyle. [whispers] Good luck. [after a few seconds, Kyle turns around and leaves. He opens the door, turns around and gives Cartman the finger, and walks out. Cartman just hums a tune, goes back to the computer and reads some more.] [Jimmy's house. He's working out on a bench press in his room. A mirror sits next to him] Jimmy: Come on, push it! Push it! [he pushes the weights onto the bar rest and sits up. He checks his musculature out in the mirror] Yeah. Nice p-pecs. Sweet b-biceps. [the door opens and Nancy enters] Nancy: Jimmy, I thought we were meeting at the doughnut shop. Jimmy: The Games are in two days, Nancy. I can't be w-wasting my time. Nancy: I guess I didn't realize I was a waste of time. Jimmy: Oh Jeez! [lays back down and takes up the weights] Are you gonna start running your mouth off again? [begins new reps] P-push it! Push it!! Nancy: Jimmy, everyone's worried about you. You seem... different. Jimmy: Theh-they're all just ..jealous. Nancy: You're not the boy I fell in love with last week during Free Period. I'm leaving you. Jimmy: [quickly rests the weights and sits up] You're not leaving me! You try to leave me and I'll k*ll you, bitch! Nancy: You can't treat people like this! Jimmy: [gets up and walks over to Nancy, then begins beating her with his crutches. She wails] I said, shut your mouth, bitch! Why did you make me do it, huh?! [he grabs her by the throat and throws her head against the floor a few times, then whacks her on the side of the head a few times.] You're not leavin' anybody!! You just keep your G-Goddamned mouth shut and do what you're t-t-t-uh-tol-told! [resumes beating her. His mom opens the door to see what's the matter] Mom: What the? [tries to stop the beating] Jimmy, oh my God! Jimmy: [throws his mother off and heads for the door] Stay away from me, you stupid bbbbitches! [walks down the hall, hits the walk with his right crutch, and breaks down.] No! God! [collapses on his back and bawls] [Saturday morning at the Special Olympics stadium] Host: Welcome, everyone, to the 2004 Special Olympics! [the crowd cheers. The boys are there, as promised] We will be holding various throughout the day, and at the end of it all we will have some very special celebrity athletes here to present the trophy for top athlete, along with the cash prize of one thousand dollars. Jimmy: [flexes his right bicep] Top athlete, yeah! Cartman: One thousand dollars, yeah! Host: So let's have all our athletes report to their first assigned events and... Let the Games begin! [The crowd cheers wildly] [First event, Track and Field, 100-meter dash] Announcer: Will those athletes in heat 1 of the hundred-meter dash please report to Track Aread B. Volunteer 2: Okay, racers, are we ready? [raises her f*ring p*stol] Take your marks. Cartman: [hobbles into the fifth position on the track] Daaaa! Daaaa! Volunteer 2: On your marks! Get set! Go! [the runners take off. Cartman quickly falls behind] Cartman: Whoa. What the hell?? [the girl in position 6 breaks the tape. Cartman hobbles past the finish line six seconds later] Volunteer 2: Great job, everyone. [points to the runners who were in positions 6, 2, and 4] You three advance to the next heat. [the group leaves] Winner: All right! Blond Boy: Good Job. Blonde Girl: We did it! Cartman: Well, guess I'll, guess I'll just have to kick ass in the other events. ["Put It To The Limit" begins to play again. Cartman is in a swimming competition now, but again,he's struggling in last place. Jimmy lifts a bar laden with weights successfully in the clean-and-jerk competition, then throws the bar down] Jimmy: Yeeessss! [walks back and forth happily] Yes! Yes! Announcer: He's got it! That's a new Special Olympics record, folks! [Timmy is understandably unimpressed and pissed off] [Back to Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Cartman is again last] Cartman: [trips over a hurdle] God-damnit!! [Back to Swimming events. Jimmy takes his heat easily] Announcer: Winner, Jimmy Valmer! [Jimmy flexes his left arm and scrambles out of the water. Jimmy is more pissed off] [Track and Field events, pole-vault. a Special Olympian runs up to the posts, plants his pole in the square mark, and clears the bar successfully. Cartman steps up to the straight track with his pole] Cartman: All right, this one I can win! [drops his pole, takes off his helmet and gives it to another athlete] Here, hold this! [takes up his pole and aims] I'll show you Goddamned ret*rd! [runs up to the posts, plants his pole, and sails up, but the pole won't straighten out. It flexes a few time before it breaks, sending Cartman back down to the track, where he lands on his back] [Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Jimmy increases his lead over the competition] [Track and Field events, javelin throw. An athlete runs up to the edge and throws his javelin. His tongue hangs out. Jimmy rolls up and throws his javelin. Cartman runs up and throws his, but it lands just far enough for him to still touch the tail end of it] Cartman: God-damnit!! [Track and Field events, triple jump. Jimmy jumps and lands at 18.5 feet, skids a foot more, then stops and waits for the score] Announcer: That's another Special Olympics record! Jimmy: [raises his arms and crutches up in victory] Yeah! Yeah! [turns around] Yeah, I did it! [turns around] Yeah! Yeah! [Early evening at the Special Olympics stadium. The sun has set and some of the crowd is back on the field] Host: Ladies and Gentlemen, our day of competition has come to an end, and we have an ultimate grand special champion for 2004! Here to present the award are baseball legends Mark McGuire, Jason Giambi, and Barry Bonds. [the three players come out and walk to the podium. All of them are buff] Bonds: The two thousand and four special athlete is... Jimmy Valmer. Jimmy: [raises up his left arm and crutch] Yeah! f*ck yeah! [Timmy sits nearby with his arms crossed, glaring at Jimmy. Jimmy walks up to the podium] Yeah, I did it! I'm the bbub-best! [Bonds hands Jimmy the medal. The host returns to the podium] Host: Congratulations, Jimmy. But we all know that the Special Olympics isn't just about winning. And so, we will now give out the Spirit Award, to the handicapped person who came in very last. Eric Cartman! Cartman: Ah, screw you hippie! Host: For winning the Spirit Award, Eric will receive this gift certificate to Shakey's for fifty dollars! Come on up, Eric! Cartman: ...I could pile at Shakey's, heck. [puts on his helmet and walks up] Uh, Drrrr! Drrrr! Jimmy: [confronts Cartman] Hey! Just what the hell do you think you're doing, Eric?! Cartman: [humbly] Uhh, hehe. Uh de-duhhhh. Jimmy: You ffffaked being handicapped to win?! [grabs Cartman by the collar] I should k-kick your ass right here, you lousy no-good ch-ch-ch...cheater! Timmy: [approaches] Timmih! Jimmy: What? Timmy: [points to Timmy] Timmih! Jimmy: [thinks a moment] Oh my God. You, you're right, Timmy. You're totally right. [walks up to the mic and begins talking] Everyone, can I have your attention, please? [everyone falls silent] I'm afraid I have to give back my medal. The truth is, I haven't been playing fair either. I've been using st-steroids. I was willing to do anything to be the best, and the steroids made me blind to the people I was hurting. [a sh*t of Nancy, injured and taped around the head. She smiles] A good friend even tried to talk me out of it, and I wouldn't listen to him. [a sh*t of Timmy, who smiles and shows off his silver medal. Others around him wear bronzes.] Taking steroids is just like pretending to be handicapped at the Special Olympics. [a sh*t of a chastened Cartman before the baseball players] Because you're taking all the fairness out of the game. But I know now that even if you do win on steroids, you're really not a winner. You're just a p-p*ssy. You're just a [sh*t of Mark McGuire] big fat p-p...p...p*ssy, and if you take steroids, the only decent thing to do is come forward and say, [sh*t of Barry Bonds] "Remove me from the record books, because I am a big, stinky p-p*ssy-" [sh*t of Jason Giambi] "-steroid-taking jackass." [Giambi nods ever so subtly] That's how I feel about myself, and why I must decline this medal and my place in the history books. And if you'll let me, I'll be back next year. To compete with honor. [applause rises from the stands, followed by cheers. The volunteers and baseball players gather around Jimmy] McGuire: Hey kid. Good for you for being honest. [The stands. Cartman walks up to his friends] Cartman: Well guys, I guess now you see what I was up to all along. I dressed up like a handicapped person and lost the Special Olympics on purpose, so that Jimmy could learn his lesson about steroids. [he looks at Kyle and then Stan for a reaction, but neither offers any. He frowns, then steps forward angrily] Eh, oh yeah?! Well, well you guys are assholes! [straightens up] Grow up! [walks off in a huff] [End of Up The Down Steroid.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "08x02 - Up The Down Steroids"}

foreverdreaming

[Cartman's house, day. A minivan rocks gently on the street. Inside, the boys make their interpretations of spaceship noises. Good boys that they are, they're strapped in. They're wearing football helmets and makeshift Starfleet uniforms] Cartman: [in the driver's seat] Captain Cartman reporting from Shuttlecraft Spontaneity. Approaching planet Omega Nine. Stan: Warp drive disengaged. Landing sequence initiated. Cartman: What kind of atmosphere are you reading on the planet surface, Jew? Kyle: I'm a Vulcan! Cartman: All right, what kind of atmosphere are you reading, Vulcan Jew? Kyle: [looking into an imaginary viewer] The atmosphere is oxygen-based, should support our breathing. Cartman: All right, hang on. We're about to land. [the boys make landing noises, with Stan finishing off with a thump. Cartman and Stan remove their seatbelts] Okay, First Officer Stan and Engineer Kenny, you come with me on the away team. Vulcan Jew Kyle will wait here. Kyle: No! I'm on the away team too! [he and Kenny remove their belts] Cartman: [looks back] It's my Mom's new minivan, so I'm the captain, Kyle! Kyle: I don't care! You're not making me wait in the van again! Cartman: Fine, Kyle! But if something goes wrong out there on the planet surface, don't hold me responsible. [The side door slides open. Cartman leads the other three out, so Kyle joins them after all.] Cartman: Set phasers on stun. Stan: Things seem pretty quiet. Cartman: Yes. A little too quiet. Kyle: I am picking up carbon-based life forms in Sector C. I believe we will find a village of peaceful aliens over that ridge. [Cartman sighs silently] Cartman: Okay, fine, I guess we'll look for- Oh no!! Look out!! It's a giant four-headed lava frog!! sh**t it!! [the boys take their positions and start f*ring away] Oh no, it got Kyle!! Kyle: [stops f*ring and stands still] No it doesn't. [the other boys continue with their phaser noises] Cartman: Aw, it got Kyle and it's tearing his head off!! [pretends to be the monster ripping Kyle's head off] Aw you guys, it looks like Kyle is done for. Kyle: No I'm not! Goddamnit Cartman, you're not gonna k*ll me off again! Cartman: Agh! You see guys, this is why you don't bring Jews along on the away team: they don't play along! Kyle: Shut up about Jews, fatass! You don't know anything! Stan: Oh God, here we go again. Cartman: Oh yeah?! I saw Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion, and Mel Gibson says, in the movie, Jews are the Devil! Kyle: He does not! Cartman: How do you know?! I've seen The Passion thirty-four times now, Kyle! You haven't seen it once! There's even one part where the Jews have a chance to save Jesus, and you know what they do? They let Barabbas, a serial k*ller, go free instead and laugh about it. Kyle: Naw uh! Cartman: Go see the movie, Kyle!! Stan: That does it! I'm sick of you guys arguing about The Passion! I'm out of here. Kenny: (Me too!) [they leave] Kyle: I'm not arguing about The Passion! He's being an assh*le! Cartman: You know what it is? You're scared. You're scared of the truth. You don't want that movie to show you just how bad the Jews are, and why everyone hates you. Kyle: People don't hate the Jews! Cartman: [focuses Kyle's attention to him] Really? Three hundred million domestic box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle. Those numbers don't lie. If you're not scared of The Passion then go see it. Go see it and tell me I'm wrong. Mel Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson. Kyle: ...You're a stupid assh*le! [turns and walks off. Cartman turns left and glances at Kyle] Cartman: Sweeet, now I can just play with myself. [fires off his phaser] Pewpeww-pewww! Get back in the shuttlecraft! [races into the minivan] [The Bijou, day. Mel Gibson's The Passion of The Christ is now playing. Kyle walks up to the ticket booth, stops, turns back, stops again, and steps up to the window. He gives the cashier $20] Kyle: One please. Shlomo: This is an R-rated movie. Kyle: Yeah, I know, but I have to- Shlomo: But, because this is such an important film that actually depicts the selfless act of Jesus Christ, I'll let you in to see it. Kyle: ...Thanks. [makes his way towards the doors, glancing back at the cashier in wonder] [The Bijou, inside. Kyle enters and makes his way to a seat. He watches.] Soldier 1: Hac bashtud Christo. Soldier 2: Et lac Hesus. Belaca veshtad. Jesus: Wa! [the whipping begins and Jesus screams. This goes on for a looooong time. Kyle's mouth widens, his eyes get bigger. Next scene, he's got his coat over his mouth and he's almost in a fetal position. Next scene has him turned to his left, grimacing, his hat pulled over his ears as he winces. Next scene has him trembling] Kyle: Haaaah! [Next scene has Kyle with his eyes squeezed shut and his hands over his face. He's now curled up in a ball] Jesus: Non. Non. Nono, non, non, WAAAAHH!! [the whipping continues and Kyle dares to peek again. His stomach reacts and he vomits. Next scene has him almost passed out with vomit dribbling from his chin. The film ends and Kyle doesn't move.] [The Bijou, outside. Kyle walks outside in a daze.] Kyle: How? How could the Jews do that to Jesus? Shlomo: Pretty brutal, isn't it? Kinda wanna make you change your life, huh? [Cartman's house, day. He's on the couch eating cereal] Announcer: And now, back to Terrance and Phillip. [the doorbell rings] Phillip: Hey Terrance, I think I have a- Cartman: Mom! Doorbell! Terrance: Wait, before you do, pull my thumb. [a second laughter and laughter is heard.] Cartman: [the doorbell rings] Mom! Answer the door! Terrance: Hey Phillip, guess what? Cartman: Goddamnit, lazy-ass whore. [gets up and answers the door himself.] Phillip: What? [Terrance farts. Cartman opens the door and sees Kyle soaking wet from a heavy rain] Kyle: You were right. You were right all along. I thought you were just an assh*le when you ripped on Jews, but... I didn't know, I... I didn't know. Cartman: It's okay, Kyle. It's okay. Just... say that first part again? Kyle: You were, you were right? Cartman: [closes his eyes and relishes the moment] Mmm, one more time, Kyle. Kyle: You were right. [Cartman opens his eyes and beams brightly] [Cartman's house, his bedroom. Cartman's on his knees] Cartman: I want to thank you for all the blessings you have brought me. You have shown me the way so many times in the past and... now you are making all my dreams come true. You give me strength when there is doubt, and I praise you for all you have done. [a sh*t of Mel Gibson's poster, without the "Braveheart" on it.] Only you, Mel Gibson, have had the wisdom and the courage to show the world the truth. From this day forward I will dedicate my life to making sure your film is seen by everyone. I will organize the masses so that we may do thy bidding. Hail Mel Gibson. Amen. [Stan's house. He and Kenny are in his bedroom reading a newspaper.] Stan: Look at that, dude. The Passion has made almost 400 milliion dollars at the box office now. Kenny: (g*dd*mn.) Stan: [rises] Everyone in the country's gonna see that movie. I guess... we have to ge see it too. [The Bijou, day. No clouds around. Stan and Kenny sit inside in the middle, looking at the movie. The movie ends] Stan: Dude. That movie sucked. Kenny: (Yeah, it totally sucked!) Stan: How can they even call that a movie? Kenny: (I dunno) Stan: That's bullcrap dude, let's go get our money back. Kenny: (Yeah!) [they leave their seats] [The Bijou, outside. A couple emerges] Jack: Wow, I didn't realize how horrible Christ's death was. Elise: Me neither. Oh honey, let's be good Christians from now on! [they walk off, screen left. A second couple emerges] Man 1: [red shirt, green sweater] I think if more people saw The Passion they'd have faith in Jesus. Woman 1: [orange blouse, necklace] Yeah, it really guilt-trips you into believing. [they walk off, screen right. Stan and Kyle come out and approach the window] Stan: Hey, we want our money back. Shlomo: Huh? Stan: That movie sucked ass. Give us back our eighteen dollars. Shlomo: I can't refund your money. You sat through the whole movie. Stan: That wasn't a movie, that was a snuff film! Kenny: (Yeah!) Stan: You can't charge people to watch a guy get tortured for two hours! Shlomo: That guy happened to be Jesus, and he went through all that to pay for YOUR SINS! Stan: We go to church to learn that stuff! We go to movies to be entertained! We weren't entertained, and we want our money back! Shlomo: I'm now allowed to give you your money back after you sat through the whole movie! You'd have to take your complaint up with the film's producers. Stan: W-what? Mel Gibson? You're saying we have to get our money back from Mel Gibson? Shlomo: Yeah. I'd like to see you try. Stan: Oh, we will! This is America! And in America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back! Come on, Kenny! [he and Kenny storm off] [Kyle's house, night. Kyle tosses and turns while asleep. Scenes from the movie fill his mind: Jesus carrying the cross past the high priests, who have scowling faces. Flashes of Renaissance Passion art go by] Priests: k*ll him! Guilty! k*ll him! [sketches of the nail driven through the left palm are animated, then a realistic view of Jesus crucified] k*ll him! k*ll him! Die! Kyle: k*ll Jesus! Yesss! Arrrgh! [a sword pierces Jesus' side. The one piercing him is Kyle himself, who seems to be relishing this, as he pierces Jesus a few more times. A review of images, then an image of Alan Alda, and Kyle wakes up frightened. After a few screams he looks around] [Stan's house, day. Stan and Kenny are at Stan's computer] Stan: Okay, search for Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson bio, Mel Gibson news, Mel Gibson... home page. Here we go. [clicks on the link] Welcome to Mel Gibson's ThePassion.com, your source for everything Mel. Pictures, philosophy, upcoming projects. Damnit, no phone number! Oh wait! "For more information on Mel Gibson, call the Webmaster at 1-800-43.." Okay, okay, wait, here we go. [picks up the phone and dials in] MEL GIBSON FAN CLUB LINE [the phone rings. Cartman answers.] Cartman: Mel Gibson's The Passion Fan Club. Stan: Hi, uh, my friend and I just went to see The Passion Cartman: Uh huh, and so you want to join the fan club now. Our first meeting is at 5:30 p.m. Stan: Nonono, no, we want our money back. Cartman: What? Stan: We think the movie sucked and we want Mel Gibson to give us back our eighteen dollars. Do you know how we can get in touch with him? Cartman: You thought it sucked? Sir, apparently, you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do! He was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew. It has made people the world over open their eyes. Stan: Look, kid, we just thought it was a bad movie, so tell us how to get in touch with Mel Gibson so we can get our money back! Cartman: If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment, sir. All I know is he lives somewhere in Malibu. Now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick. Stan: Hey, don't take that tone with me, kid! I'll kick your ass! Cartman: Ohoh yeah?! I'd like to see you try, assh*le! I'm like six feet tall! Stan: I don't care! You sound like a little bitch to me! Cartman: Bitch?! Don't call me bitch! I'll pop your f*ck' head open! Stan: Yeah?! You wanna bring it, you little p*ssy?! Cartman: I already brought it, bitch! I brought it, set it down on the table and opened it, bitch! Stan: [in recognition] Wait a minute. Cartman?! [realizing he's been recognized, Cartman is speechless] Cartman: Eup. [hangs up and skulks away] Stan: [packing] Come on, Kenny, we're going to Malibu! Kenny: (Malibu? But how?) Stan: We'll take the bus! Look, this isn't about the eighteen dollars ticket money anymore. This is about being able to hold bad filmmakers responsible! [He leads Kenny out of his room] This is just like when we got our money back for BASEketball! [Cartman's house, day. Cartman dons a n*zi outfit, taking care to look sharp] Liane: Eric, sweetie, there's a bunch of people showing up in our backyard saying something about a meeting? Cartman: Yeah Mom, I'm holding a meeting for all the people who loved The Passion as much as I did. Liane: Oh, that's great, sweetie. Cartman: [turns right so his profile will look sharp as well] Tell them I'll be down shortly Liane: Okay, hon. Cartman: [wields his short whip] Töten sie die Juden. Wir können nicht stillstehen bis sie alle tot sind! Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to do thy bidding, Mel Gibson. [a sh*t of the poster.] [Cartman's backyard. Some people are seated, others chat, others help themselves to chips and fingerfoods] Man 1: Hello, are you folks holding this Passion meeting? Jack: No. Actually, we're guests as well. I'm Jack Garrett and this is my wife Elise. Elise: Hello. Man 1: I think it's so great that someone took the initiative to have a meeting like this. Elise: Oh I agree. There are so many of us who are moved by The Passion. It's a perfect idea to have us organize so we can strengthen the Christian community. Man 1: And apparently the organizer is just an eight year old boy who was touched by the film. Jack: Leave it to a child to show us all the way, huh? Shlomo: Yeah, so I see this ad on the Internet saying if you love The Passion to come to this meeting, so here I am! Woman 1: It's great that everyone came here to figure out how to use The Passion to enrich everyone's lives. [Cartman approaches the dais.] Cartman: Ah hello everyone. Achtung. [the last few standing people take their seats] My name is Eric Cartman and I'm the President of the Mel Gibson Fan Club. [applause] Ah thank you, thank you. I'm happy to see that all of you.were affected by The Passion like I was. Now, we all know why we're here, and I believe we all what needs to be done. Woman 2: [in pink dress] We sure do. [the crowd voices its approval] Cartman: But, I think it's best we don't talk out loud about it until we have most of them on the trains heading to the camps. [the guests fall silent] Elise: [in orange blouse] Wha, what does that mean, sweetie? Jack: I'm not sure, but-uh. [stands up] Folks, I just wanna interrupt for a second and say how remarkable it is that this little boy brought us all together. The Passion is causing a revolution of spirituality, and we owe Mel Gibson and this little boy our thanks. [the crowd voices its approval] Cartman: [bows a few times] Thank you, thank you very much. Now, in order to do what we [his face turns ugly] all know needs to be done, we are first going to need more support. I think we should all go out and take at least one other person to see The Passion. Man 2: Oh, what a great idea! We each make it our responsibility to convert one more person! Guests: Heheh great! Yeah! Great idea. Cartman: Yes, and then we can begin the cleansing, if you know what I mean. Shlomo: We sure do! Guests: Yeah. All right. Woohoo! [Mel's Malibu mansion, day. A rusty Beetle rolls up to the front security gate, stops, and lets out some passengers, then rolls away. Stan and Kenny remain] Stan: Thank you. [looks over his Map To The Stars' Homes] This must be the place. [they walk through a side door right under a guard's nose. He fails to notice them. They walk up the driveway and past the massive fountain] g*dd*mn, Mel Gibson must be loaded. [rings the doorbell. The door opens and Mel appears] Mel: Yes? Stan: Oh, hi, uh, my name is Stan, and this is Kenny Kenny: (Hello) Stan: Uh, we saw your movie, The Passion, and we didn't like it, so, can we have our money back, please? Mel: You can't not like The Passion! I just followed the Bible! Christ died for you. Go home. [leaves, but the boys follow him in.] [Mel's mansion, inside] Stan: Look, dude, we came a long way. We're not leaving until you give us our money. Mel: Oh yeah? Well you're gonna have to find it first. [unbuttons his shirt] But I won't tell you where I keep my money. [takes off his shirt] You can t*rture me all you want, I still won't tell you! Stan: Tor-t*rture you? Mel: [removes his pants and socks] Ha! So you DO intend to t*rture me, huh?! [runs up to a t*rture rack and lies down in it] Well go ahead! Do your worst! [shackles himself in] You STILL won't get your ticket money back! I can take whatever you can dish out! Stan: We don't want to t*rture you. Mel: I get it, but you don't have a choice, is that it?! Well go ahead! I just sure hope you don't use those whips over there on the wall! Stan: Dude, can we please just have the eighteen dollars back from you? Mel: [unshackles himself and walks up to the boys] I have to use that money to build my church! I brought the f*re and brimstone back to Christianity with The Passion and now I'm gonna start my own church! And do you know why?! So I can play banjo! [whips out a hat and banjo, puts on the hat] Jesus, oh how I love ya, how I love ya Jesus! Stan: Dude, this guy is freakin' daffy! Mel: How dare you call me crazy! This means w*r! [jumps up and whoops like an Indian, twirls around a few times, and fires off blanks at the boys. Stan and Kenny run] [South Park Church, rectory. Fr. Maxi sits at his desk explaining things to Kyle] Fr. Maxi: And so it was that God sent his only son down from heaven, to die for our sins. Kyle: Oh okay, but did God sent Jesus TO die, or did Jesus just get kind of screwed over. Fr. Maxi: ...What is troubling you, my child? Kyle: Well, I have this friend, see? And this friend belongs to a certain, Chosen People of Israel. And it ...so happens that these chosen people k*lled your Lord. Fr. Maxi: Ah! You mean he's a Jew! Kyle: Right. But he can't live with the guilt anymore. Because, even if Jesus wasn't really the Son of God, he was still a nice guy. And he didn't deserve what happened to him in Mel Gibson's movie. I I can't sleep at night. I mean, my... friend can't sleep at night. Fr. Maxi: Yes, The Passion is very powerful. The truth is, there's not a whole lot in the Bible about the Crucifixion. The Passion was actually done as a performance piece back in the Middle Ages to incite people against the Jews. Kyle: But how can the Jews make it better?? Fr. Maxi: Well, if you really care about your friend's soul, then perhaps show him the way of Jesus. Remember: Christianity is about... atonement. Kyle: Wait. That's it. Atonement. Of course. [gets off the chair] I know what I have to do now. Thank you, Father. [turns and walks out] [Back at Mel's mansion, Stan and Kenny are still running from Mel, who's chasing after them in a cartoonish way. Mel passes a mirror, then gets back to it a second later] Mel: Two days ago, I saw a vehicle that would haul that t*nk You wanna get outta here? Talk to me. [resumes hopping like a mad rabbit] Stan: Mel Gibson is f*cking crazy dude! [catches a glimpse of a wallet on a table] Wait! There's his wallet! [runs up to it with Kenny] Mel: Freedom!!! [Stan grabs the wallet and r*fles through it] Stan: Awww crap, he's only got twenties! You got two dollars, Kenny?? [Kenny hands Stan $2] Mel: Jesus is Lord!!! [Stan puts the $2 in and takes out $20] Stan: All right, let's get the hell out of here! [heads for the doors and opens one. Mel dances in wearing a Carmen Miranda outfit. Stan and Kenny head for another pair of doors. Stan opens it and Mel enters dressed as a clown] Mel: When you're a clown, nobody takes you seriously! [Outside] Stan: Run, dude, run! Mel: [hopping out behind them, in Braveheart face paint and wielding a sword] K'plagh! K'plagh! And good evening, friends! [The Bijou, day. A large cross is erected atop the Bijou sign. A crowd gathers and acclaims it] Cartman: One month ago today, this amazing film opened in theaters. And now, we proud few gathere here as a people brought together by its message! [some applause] Fellow fans of Mel Gibson, our numbers have grown and now, together, we have the power to change the world! [the crowd applauds] Now I believe we should take to the streets and march in unwavering support of this important movie! Shlomo: What a great idea! Man 3: It'll be like a parade! Man 4: Good idea! Cartman: And as we march for The Pasion we should also voice our support! So, when I say "Es ist Zeit für sauberen," you all chant back "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten." Elise: Well, what does that mean, dear? Jack: Oh, I think it's Aramaic. You know, like in the movie. Shlomo: Ooo, Aramaic. Cool. Townsfolk: Neato! That'll be awesome. Great! Jack: What was our Aramaic line again? Cartman: [pounds the table a few times] Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!! [his hair gets meesed up from the impacts] Townsfolk: [repeats, gaining confidence with each syllable] Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten. Cartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache! Townsfolk: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten. Elise: Oh huh, this is fun! [smiles] Cartman: [picks a mark in front of the crowd] All right, everyone! Forward, march! [they all move forward] Es ist Zeit für Rache! Townsfolk: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten. Cartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache! Townsfolk: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten. Cartman: Nice. [A synagogue. A service is going on, and the synagogue is full] Rabbi: Shalom hak nak shalom. And now one of our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, has asked if he could speak to the congragation. [Kyle approaches the lectern] Kyle: Thank you, rabbi. [Sheila smiles and gets Gerald's attention. Kyle clears his throat.] In 1973, the United States officially issued an apology to the African American community for sl*very. In 1956, Germany officially apologized for World w*r II AND the Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004, the Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus. Man 5: What? [others murmur their shock] Sheila: Whatwhatwhaaat?! Kyle: If we as a people choose not to believe that Jesus is the Son of God, then we can still apologize for the brutal way in which he was k*lled, and take our share of the responsibility for it. Man 6: Oh my God! [the other congregants groan] Gerald: Kyle, what on earth has gotten into you?! Kyle: I saw The Passion. Man 7: Oh no! The Passion?! [others murmur] Man 8: This proves the anti-Semitic effect that movie is having! Man 9: Yeah, it makes Jews into stereotypes. Man 10: Stereotyping Jews is terrible. Woman 3: Something must be done to stop that movie! Rabbi: Now, now, everyone calm down. We live in a rational community, and everyone knows this is just a movie. There's no cause for alarm. Mob: [from outside] Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! Cartman: [from outside] Es ist Zeit für Rache! [congregants rise and face the doors in the back, others look out the windows. They see Cartman leading a march past the synagogue] Mob: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! Cartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache! Mob: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! [the rabbi and his congregants look on, confused] Cartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache! [The southwest, desert territory. A tour bus heads east, with Stan and Kenny riding inside] Stan: Well it looks like with these bus tickets we spend about eighty... seven dollars getting our money back from Mel Gibson. [net loss, sixty-nine dollars] But I think it's the principle of the thing that matters. Kenny: (Yeah. And the truth.) [a truck horn blows and Stan stands to see who it is. Kenny joins him] Stan: Oh, you've got to be shittin' me. [Mel Gibson closes in fast in his Mad Max gas truck and wearing Braveheart face paint] Mel: Give me back my money! [blows his horn again] Stan: g*dd*mn, that guy's crazy. [hops off his seat and runs up to the driver] Hey dude, you've gotta speed up. Driver: Huh? Stan: Mel Gibson is chasing after us. You've gotta go faster. Driver: Haha, very funny, kid. Sit down and stop playing games. Stan: I'm not playing games. Mel Gibson is right behind you and he's gonna- [Mel plows into the bus, making both vehicles screech. The riders sway in their seats] Driver: What the hell? Mel: [shaking his fist in the air] HAAAA! K'PLAAAH! Driver: Hey! That's Mel Gibson! Stan: Yeah. I told you that! Driver: Well, what the hell does he want?! Stan: He wouldn't give us our money back for The Passion, so we kinda took it. Driver: You didn't like The Passion? But it shows how Christ suffered for you. Mel Gibson is a very spiritual man. [Mel rams into them again] [The Bijou, night. The synagogue's congregation moves quickly down the street towards the theater] Kyle: [to his parents] Both you guys, stop! Please. You're gonna make people hate us more. Shlomo: Can I help you? Rabbi: This movie is causing anti-Semitism! You must remove it from your theater! Congregants: That's right! Yeah! Remove your movie! Shlomo: Remove it from the theater? Fat chance! Man 11: We demand you stop showing it! Congregants: Yeah! Yeah! Kyle: [facing the congregants] Nonono! Don't become an angry mob! [behind him Cartman is seen leading his mob to the theater] The last time we did that we k*lled Jesus! Cartman: [points] Juden! Jack: What's going on here? Shlomo: They're trying to have The Passion pulled from the theater. Rabbi: This film is anti-Semitic and it must be stopped! Man 1: Nonsense! Mel Gibson is a smart and spiritual man! There's nothing anti-Semitic about it! Elise: It has reaffirmed all of our faith in Christ. Rabbi: It's made one of our little Jewish boys want to apologize for the death of Jesus! Jack: Well, maybe you should apologize. Mob: That's right! What he said. Woman 4: How dare you?! [the sound of a truck is faintly heard, but gets stronger.] Kyle: [noticing] Look out!! [The crowds move to the other side of the street as the tour bus skids to a stop just past the theater. Mel Gibson roars into town and crashes into the ticket booth, and his gas truck blows up. The crowds crawl out of their safety places and merge] Mel: Give me my eighteen dollars! Cartman: Mel! Gibson! [brightens and approaches him, then grovels at his feet] Oh mein Savior! Mein Führer! You're actually here! Mr. Gibson, I have assembled the masses! We are ready to do thy bidding! [grovels some more] Have I been a good boy, Mr. Gibson?! Mel: Hhha! [ignores Cartman and walks up to Stan and Kenny] So! You boys have led me here to your secret base, huh? I guess now you're gonna start torturing me! Well! [grabs his nipples and falls on his knees. The crowd steps back as he twists his nipples] Oh, my nipples are so tender! Ddon't squeeze them anymore! Shlomo: That's... Mel Gibson? Jack: H-he's not... quite as eloquent as I had pictured. Mel: [backs up towards a building] Yeah... [grabs a piece of crap from his ass and removes it from his briefs, turns around, and defaces the building] Well. I guess you wanna t*rture me now, don't you?! Kyle: [joins Stan and Kenny] Dude, what's wrong with him? Stan: He's kookoo, dude. He's absolutely out of his mind. Mel: You! You would all love to t*rture me, wouldn't you? [gets down on all fours and hoists his ass up] Okay, fine. See what you can fit in there, I can take it! Kyle: Dude! I've been freaked out this whole time because of THAT guy's movie? Mel: [rises and walks up to the boys] Fine! If nobody here is man enough to t*rture me, then just give me my eighteen dollars! Stan: It's our eighteen dollars! Your movie sucked! Mel: You can't say my movie sucked, or else you're saying Christianity sucked! Stan: No, dude, if you wanna be Christian, that's cool, but, you should follow what Jesus taught instead of how he got k*lled. Focusing on how he got k*lled is what people did in the Dark Ages and it ends up with really bad results. Jack: You know, he's right, Elise. We shouldn't focus our faith on the t*rture and execution of Christ. Shlomo: Yeah. Lots of people got crucified in those times. We shouldn't rely on v*olence to inspire faith. Cartman: Aw, aw, no, come on, people, we're so close to completing my final solution! Kyle: Oh, dude, I feel so much better about being Jewish now that I see that Mel Gibson is just a big wacko douche. [a grinning Mel squats and farts on Cartman] Mel: Woohoohoo! Woohoohoohoohoo! [hops towards the camera.] [End of The Passion of The Jew.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "08x03 - The Passion Of The Jew"}

foreverdreaming

[A parking lot somewhere in South Park, day. The boys are playing with motorized toy cars] Cartman: Dude, these little remote-controlled cars are kickass. [a car goes up a ramp and jumps off] Kyle: Sweet. I made mine go off the jump. [Stan's car is uncooperative] Stan: Dude, my car sucks. I gotta get a new one. [some kids come up behind Stan] Kyle: Hey, who are those kids? [Stan and Cartman turn to see. The crew of five approach and stop. Their leader, dressed in grays, steps forth with his boombox and sets it down, presses "Play," and steps back into the crew. A rap begins to play and the crew begins to dance] Boombox: Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you...! Let's see you...! Let's see you...! Let's see you...! Daaance, sucka! [brief instrumental] Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance- OC Leader: [wearing Lil Shiit cap] Yeah, how you like that y'all! [Stan and his friends merely look on] OC Member 1: [dressed in red] Let's bring it to these losers. OC Girl: Aww yeah! [the crew leader dances forward and does some gymnastics moves in Stan's face] OC Leader: Whatchoo got, huh?! You got nothin'! [does some more moves and steps backwards into his crew] Damn! You just got served! [his crew agrees with him. Stan and friends don't move. The crew member dressed in red steps forward and dances in Kyle's face.] Aww man! [the dancer twirls on his head and ends in a challenge pose] OC Girl: He got you, dude. OC Leader: Now that kid is gettin' served! OC Girl: Uh huh. [the dancer in red stands on his left hand and challenges Kyle with his groin] OC: Whoa! [the dancer rolls away and stands on his right hand, rolls back and rests on his left side, then dances away] OC Leader: Aww man, look at them! They know they can't trip to that! [the girl turns the radio off and the dancers turn and walk away.] Yeah! We're outta here! OC Member 2: [in gray-green, looks left] That was smokin'! OC Member 1: [looks right] They didn't do nothin'! OC Member 3: [Asian, turns around] Sorry y'all, but tru not to let it sting too bad! [laughs and turns around] OC Leader: [turns around] You got served! [the others laugh and he turns around] Come on! They had nothin'! Let's go y'all! OC Member: Come on y'all! [...and they're gone] Kyle: ...What the hell just happened? [Chef's house, later. Stan rings the doorbell] Chef: [opens up]Oh. Hello there, children! Stan: Chef, we just got served. Chef: Oh boy... Well come on inside, children. I'll make you some cocoa. [Chef's house, living room. Chef shows the children to the couch] Chef: Have a seat, children. Just try to relax and breathe. [the boys sit down] Are you all okay? Kyle: Yeah. Chef: All right. Now, where did you get served? Stan: Over at the True Value parking lot. There were just these kids we never saw before showed up and they were like, really good dancers and, we don't really understand what it means, but I guess- Chef: Okay okay, relax children. Relax. It's all over now. Just try to calm down and sit tight. [turns around and picks up the phone] I'm gonna call your parents and let them know you're okay. [taps out a number and the phone rings] Mrs. Marsh? Hi, it's Chef. Yeah, I'm good. Listen: Stan and his friends just got served. Yeah. Yeah, over at the True Value. No no, he's fine. They're all fine. Yeah, it was some kids from out of town. Apparently they were pretty good dancers. They really let 'em have it. [Stan's house, that night. The family is at the dining table. Sharon brings a large dish over to Stan] Sharon: Here, Stanley, I made your favorite potato dish. I want you to feel better, okay. [Sharon ] Randy: What's the matter with him? Sharon: Oh. Stan got served at school today. Randy: You got served? By who? Stan: Some, kids from Orange County. Sharon: Let's not make a big deal out of it. Randy: So wha- so what'd you do? D'you dance back? Stan: No. Randy: What? Yo-you got served and just stood there and took it?? Sharon: That was the right thing to do. Randy: Naw, that's crap, Sharon! Stanley, when somebody challenges you to dance, you have to dance back at them, or else they'll think you're weak. Stan: But Dad, I don't know how to dance or nothin'. Randy: [in low tones] Well then, it's about time you learned! [rises from the table] Put on some loose-fitting clothes and meet me in the garage! Stan: But Dad- Randy: Now! [walks off] [Stan's house, garage. Stan and Randy are present. Randy is dressed in sweats, Stan is dressed in sweat pants and sleeveless T-shirt. Randy puts a CD into a stereo system.] Randy: All right son, dancing is all about a frame of mind. Now, I'm not telling you to go around challenging other kids to dance, but when they challenge you, you just look 'em straight in the eye, and give 'em this. ["Achy-Breaky Heart" begins to play, and Randy begins to dance. Stan looks on.] Come on, Stan. [Stan steps closer and begins to follow Randy's moves.] ...six, seven, eight. [Stan steps out of a slipper, but slips back into it quickly] [South Park, day, Luau's Toys. Stan and his friends exit and walk down the street] Kyle: Dude, that is a sweet RC car. Stan: [carrying the car] Yeah, let's go race it right now. [they run into the OC kids] OC Member 2: Well, what we got here? OC Member 1: It's the white boys that were served yesterday. [they laugh] OC Leader: You want a little more, homeboys? Kyle: We're not interested, thanks. OC Member 1: [steps forth] You're not interesetd? Not interested in this?? [waits for the boombox to play, then dances in Kyle's face, including a back flip. All of the OC crew members begin to dance] Boombox: You can't step to my roots, so don't try it. You can’t burn with my group so don’t light it. I'm on the OC crew and I'm better than you. You like to suck my balls, don't deny it. You can't bop her like me so don't go there. You never find a bigger bitch player nowhere. I put my jimmy in a ho, put off soul. I'm a good listener and that's rare. Black Man: Oh Lord, look at those moves. Black Woman: Oooo, they are takin' it out! Black Man 2: Oh man, they are getting served! Black Woman 2: Ooooo, it's getting hot out here! Black Man 3: Have mercih! [the dancers edge closer and closer to the SP boys] Others: Oooooo, look at that! Lord! Gettin' served! [the rap is turned off and the OC crew turns to see who did it. Stan puts in his CD and prepares to serve the OC boys. "Achy Breaky Heart" plays and Stan dances the steps he learned the night before. The crowds behind both groups look on for a while, then begin to cheer Stan on. Chef walk down the street minding his business, but he looks over at the commotion and his jaw drops.] Kyle: Yeah! Go Stan! Chef: Oh no! [begins to cross the street] No, stop Stan! You don't know what you're doin'! [the OC kids are speechless. The song ends. Stan looks around and smiles. The OC kids look like they just got served] Kyle: All right Stan! Cartman: HA! You just got f'd in the a! OC Leader: Wha? Kyle: Yeah! YOU got served! Kenny: Woohoo. Cartman: Yeah! Kyle: That's right! Cartman: All right! Kenny: Woo woo. Chef: [arrives] No no no! OC Leader: Okay. All right. We got served. So now, I guess... It's on. Stan: What? OC Member 1: This Saturday! Our top five dancers against yoru top five dancers! OC Convention Center. It's on! OC Members: It's on! It's on! It's on! It's on! Townsman: [closes his eyes and laments] Oh Lord it's on! Chef: Oh damnit! I knew that was gonna happen. OC Member 3: We'll see you Saturday, fools! [the crowd behind the OC crew parts and they leave] OC Members: Yeah, and you'd better have a lot better dancers with you than those loozas! 'Cause it's on! OC Members: It's on! It's on! It's on! It's on! [the crowd begins to murmur about Saturday and the competition being on.] Chef: Stan, what the hell did you dance back for?? Stan: I thought I was supposed to! Chef: Now you've gotta compete against them in the dance competition on Saturday! Stan: But why?? Chef: Because if you get served and served them back, then it's on! Don't you know anything?? [Stan's house, breakfast nook. Randy is filling out checks for his bills] Sharon: [enters the kitchen with Stan] Well, nice going, Randy! Really great advice you gave our son here! Randy: [turns around] What? Sharon: Those kids showed up to serve Stan again and he danced back! Randy: So what happened? Sharon: It's on! [Stan looks helplessly at his father as his mother drags him off. Randy looks on] [OC Convention Center, day. A large screen over the Center says "Bounce" while a sign closer to the viewer says "This Saturday, 7 PM, Orange County VS. South Park, Dance Competition. It's On!!!!" Inside, preparations are made for the competition. On the floor, the OC crew practices its move under their coach's supervision] Coach: [keeping time] Come on now, keep it tight! [the leader and the member in red drop backwards and then spin on their heads, the girl spins on her left hand] Good. Now watch that timing, drill team! [In the background Randy appears and walks through one of the many doors. The crew finishes with a flourish. The members then congratulate themselves] OC Member 1: All right! OC Girl: [stands] All right! OC Leader: Yeah, bad ass! OC Member 2: Yeah, that was tight! Coach: Not bad, kids. Not bad. [Randy approaches] OC Member 1: Not bad? South Park doesn't stand a chance! OC Girl: I heard that! Coach: All right, it was good. But we don't want "good," we want pain! Randy: Uh ex, excuse me. Coach: [turns around] Yeah? Randy: Hi, uh, my name is Randy Marsh. I'm I'm Stan Marsh's father. Coach: Oh, so you're the father of the boy who's gonna get f'd in the a on Saturday? OC Member 3: Dang! OC Leader: Oooooo! Randy: Uh, listen. Ih, it was my fault that Stanley served your boys the other day. Uh, I told him to do it and I... Weh well look I, I just came down here to tell you... Ih it's not on. Coach: Oh, it's on! Randy: Nonono, it's not on. Coach: Whoo, it's on all right! Randy: It isn't on. Nothing's on. It's off. Coach: [insistent] It's on! Randy: I'm keeping my son home on Saturday. I just came by to let you know so you can... put a stup to all this. Good bye. [turns around and walks away] Coach: Hold on a second, clamhead! [catches him and blocks his way] You think you can just roll in here and tell us it's not on when it very clearly is on?! You're just trying to make us not practice, aren't you?! Because you KNOW that your kids are goin' down when my kids give them this! Give me some moves out, Girl T! [the girl turns on the boombox] Check this out! [balances on his left hand and bounces around, then stands up] Yeah! You like that?! OC Leader: Oooo man! [shakes his head] OC Member 1: Ohhh Lord! [the coach spins on his back, rises to one hand, flips over, and lands doing the splits, then rises to his feet using an imaginary hook] OC Leader: Oooo, he is gettin' served! [the girl shakes her head] [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Randy is recovering in a room. He's got breathing tubes in his nose and his eyes are squeezed shut. His friends surround him] Randy: Aw, mph! Uuuugh-ah. Sharon: [enters with Stan] Randy? [rushes to his bedside] Randy, oh my God! Skeeter: What happened to him, Doctor? Dr. Doctor: He got served. Worst I've ever seen. Jimbo: Old fool went down to the OC to try to reason with the other team, and he got served up somethin' fierce. Chef: Oh Lord... Randy: [his voice raspy] His dancing was so fast I ...couldn't do anything. His moves were... so original, so inventive. [winces] Ungh! Grrgh. Nurse: [soothing him] Shh relax, Mr. Marsh. [Dr. Doctor walks off] Dr. Doctor: We just got the X-rays back. [walks to a backlit board and points out the injuries] He mostly got served here [a rib] and here [forearm]. But the worst serving was here in the pelvic region. The road to recovery will be a long one. Jimbo: Boy. You must really wanna take to to those Orange County kids now, huh Stan? Skeeter: Are you kiddin'? Stan is probably ready to pounce on them after what they did to his father! [looks over at his dad, then at the other men] Stan: I, I don't know. He seems all right. Mr. Garrison: I could only imagine the rage building inside you, Stan. I bet you can't wait to outdance those OC bastards! Randy: [realizes his son is there] Stan?? Stan?? Stan: [walks to Randy's bedside] Yeahh I'm I'm right here, Dad. Randy: Stan, listen to me. I don't want you feeling like you have to do that competition now to avenge me. Stan: Okay, good. Randy: [emphatic] But I know I can't stop you from doing it. So all I can say is... give 'em hell, son. Give 'em hell. [passes out. The "8 Mile" theme begins to play and the camera closes in on Stan] Stan: [thinks and then walks off miffed] God damnit! [Loading dock at South Park Elementary, day. Stan walks over and finds the Goths there, as usual. Henrietta reads a book] Stan: Hey guys. Uh. You guys know how to dance, right? Tall Goth: [with cigarette] Of course we know how to dance. Stan: Cool, because, there's this competition on Saturday, and I have to find the very best dancers in South Park to be on my crew. My friends can't do it because they suck ass, so, will you be in my dance troupe? Red Goth: Dance troupe? Please. [leans to one side and whips his hair back into place] We don't dance like those Britney and Justin wannabes at school. [whips his hair back into place] Goth kids dance to express pain and suffering. Tall Goth: Yeah. [stands up] The only cool way to dance is to keep your hands at your sides and your eyes looking at the ground. Then every three seconds you take a drag from your cigarette. [leans his head to the right for two beats, leans it to the left for two beats, leans it to the right for two beats while taking a drag, leans it to the left for two beats, repeats. The red Goth follows suit, then all four Goths dance the same way] Stan: Okay, that'll work fine. Listen, there's a dance competition this Saturday and I need good dancers so I don't get served. Red Goth: [flips his hair back] No way. Dancing is something you do alone in your room at three in the morning. Stan: [walks up to the red Goth] Please, you guys, our whole town's reputation is at stake! Will any of you do it? Red Goth: I'm not doin' it. Being in a dance group is totally conformist. Henrietta: Yeah. I'm not conforming to some dance-off regulations. Little Goth: I'm not doin' it either. I'm the biggest nonconformist of all. Tall Goth: I'm such a nonconformist that I'm not going to conform with the rest of you. Okay, I'll do it. [rises and walks over to Stan] Stan: Great! [they leave together] Henrietta: Whoa. I think we just got put in our place. Red Goth: Yeah. We just got Goth-served. [The neighborhood. Stan and the tall Goth walk down the street] Stan: All right, we gotta find three other kids that can dance. Tall Goth: We should go to the arcade. [takes a drag from his cigarette] Stan: The arcade? Tall Goth: Yeah. There's this Asian kid name Yao. He's an expert at that Dance Dance Revolution game. [The Sinistarcade. A Dancin' Dancin' Dancin' Machine game is prominently shown, and an Asian boy dances furiously on the foot pad on the right. The arrows indicate which foot buttons the boy should be stepping on. He's h*t every one, so his score is perfect. Stan and the tall Goth look on] Stan: Dude, he's incredible. Tall Goth: He should be. He's here playing that game every single day after school. I think he's spent about six thousand dollars on it so far. [the game gets faster and faster and the kid keeps up. Eventually the game ends, the boy picks up his soda cup and walks away.] Stan: [catches up to the DDDM kid at the change machine] Hey kid, you're pretty good. How would you like to join our dance troupe? Yao: You mean, dancing without a machine telling you what to do? Stan: Yeah. Yao: That's stupid. [waves him off and walks away] Stan: [catches up] Dude, we need you. Yao: I can't dance without the machine. Stan: It's all right. My friend Chef is gonna coach us. Yao: Okay. I'll give it a sh*t. Stan: All right, that's three! Tall Goth: Dude, we need a girl. Stan: Huh? Tall Goth: We can't be a dance troupe with just guys. People will think we're f*g. Stan: Oh yeah. [thinks a bit with finger to chin] Wait a minute. I know just where to go! [Raisins. Happy Hour all day!!! Inside the little waitresses go about their work. Two of them dance asscheek to asscheek, shaking their asses in rhythmic unison. Mercedes dances her ass off to a boy, who looks on in bliss] Porsche: Hi guys, welcome to Raisins. Three of you? Stan: Ah actually we were just hoping we could talk to you guys real quick. Maury: You have to buy wings if you wanna talk to the Raisins girls. [Stan look at his crew. Moments later they are seated at the bar, with Mercedes] Stan: And so we're putting all the best dancers in South Park together to b*at Orange County. Mercedes: [twirling her hair] Wow, that sounds great. I always wanted to try my dancing somewhere else. Stan: So you'll do it? Mercedes: Why not? Stan: All right, we just need one more person! Mercedes: Hey, we should get that kid that was state champion in tap dancing. Stan: What? The state tap champion is from here? Who? Mercedes: I think his name was... [closes her eyes] Leopold... Stotch or something? Stan: Leopold Stotch...? Wait a minute. You mean... [Butters' house, day. He's at the kitchen assembling a toy car] Butters: Loo loo loo, I've got some apples. Loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo, I've- Linda: [enters] Butters, you have some visitors. [Stan, the tall Goth, Mercedes, and the DDDM kid appear] Butters: [turns around] Oh well hi there everybody. [his mom leaves] Stan: Butters, listen. There's gonna be a competition this Saturday, and we want you to join our troupe. Butters: Wow, neato, a competiton? Why, I'd love to. What kind of competition is it? Stan: It's a dance-off. We heard you were tap dancing state champion two years ago. [his smile vanishes as he begins to think back, then a small grimace appears.] Butters: ...No. Stan: But, you were, weren't you? Y-you went to the nationals in Nebraska. Butters: No. [hops off the chair and runs away] No no nono no no, no! [runs into the living room and up the stairs] No! No no no no! Linda: Butters? [rises and looks up the stairs] Butters?? [Stan and the other kids enter] Stan: We just asked him to join our dance troupe. We heard he was state tap champion. Linda: Oh. Oh dear. I'm sorry kids, it's just that... Butters hasn't danced since the tragedy. Mercedes: A tragedy? Butters: [from his room] Waaaaah! Linda: I'm sorry, kids, you'll have to go. [Outside. The kids leave Butters' house and make their way to the sidewalk] Stan: Damnit, where are we gonna get our fifth member? Yao: Hey I heard about this guy in Cuomo who has a duck that can dance. Stan: A duck? Dude, don't be stupid! Those OC kids are professional dancers! Now come on, there's gotta be one other talneted person in South Park. [Butters' house, bedroom closet POV. A door slides open and Butters looks in. On the floor, covered in cobwebs and underneath some clothes is an orange shoe box with red lid. Butters slides the door open more and reaches in. He pulls out the box and sets it on his bed. He sits down next to it, nervously. He opens the box and pulls out news clippings: "Local Boy Taps His Way to the Finals" "Best in State Arrrive in Lincoln" "Eight d*ad as Finalist Loses Step" "Biggest Tap Tragedy since 1954". He then removes some tissue from the tap shoes, then removes a shoe. He inspects it until he sees the blood on the side of the shoe] Butters: Aaaaah! [quickly puts the shoes and clippings away, then goes to cry into his pillow] Aaaaah! [A ranch. Stan and his troupe arrive] Stan: All right, so you're sure he can dance? Rancher: Oh yeah. There he is. That's Jeffy. Yao: That don't look like a dancing duck to me. Rancher: Well, that's 'cause it needs music. Here y-here ya go, Jeffy. [brings out a violin and begins playing.] You'll do a line and I'll do a line, honeeey. You'll do a line and I'll do a line, babe. [the duck rises and begins to dance] You'll do a line and I'll do a line, we'll fight an' screw 'til the mornin' time. Honey, babe, be mine. You'll do a line and I'll do a line, honey- Stan: Ih ih Is that the only song he'll dance to? Rancher: No no, he'll dance to anything. See? You'll snort K and I'll snort K, honeeey. You'll snort K and I'll snort K, babe. You'll snort K and I'll snort K, we'll fight an' screw all night and day. Honey, babe, be mine. Stan: My friends, I think we have ourselves a dance troupe. [Butters' house, day. Linda walks up the stairs to Butters' room and knocks on the door.] Linda: Butters? Butters? Come on, sweetie, it's gonna be okay. [a sh*t of Butters under the covers, with bug eyes] Come on, Butters. You went through a lot of therapy for this. That was almost two years ago, sweetie. Butters: Two years ago. Two years ago! [the camera goes into Butters' eye and a memory of the finals two years prior comes up. A girl dances, finishes, and takes several curtsies] Announcer: That was Beverly Long from Indianapolis, folks. Let her hear it! [she waves to the audience and walks off] All right, and now, dancing to the song "I've Got Something In My Front Pocket For You," here is Colorado state champion, Leopold "Butters" Stotch! [the audience applauds. The Stotches are present and clapping with the audience. The song begins to play, Butters begins to dance] Singer: I've got something in my front pocket for you Why don't you reach down in my pocket and see what it is Then grab onto it, it's just for you Give a little squeeze and say, "How do you do?" There's something in my front pocket, There's something in my front pocket, There's something in my front pocket- Butters: [As the song reaches its climax, he dances faster and faster, until his right shoe flies off his foot] Whoops. [it strikes a floodlight in the rafters and knocks it down. The light lands on a man, instantly k*lling him. Blood splatters onto the surrounding audience members, who get up and scatter. The rafters begin to break apart. A pole comes down and impales a fleeing woman. Her flying blood reaches Butters. More lights fall down and a cable is torn from its anchor, leaving a hole in the wall. The cable swings down and slices a couple in two along the abdomen. The upper halves of their bodies slide off and fall to the ground] Woman: Paul. Paul! [grabs onto the klieg light and is electrocuted. Another man, who was sliced in two by the cable, attempts to gather his insides back into himself. The rafters come down and k*ll another man, and Paul's widow finally blows up. More blood lands on Butters, and the crowd begins to panic] Butters: Wuuuhaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! [a man is trampled to death underfoot. Butters watches the auditorium empty out] No! Nooo! Noooooooooooooooo! [South Park, day. Chef approaches Lamont's Dance Studio with his boombox and duffle bag] Chef: All right, children, let's get to rehearsin'! [sets his stuff onto a table next to the door] We don't have much time, and you've got to become the dance group you can be. [moves further into the studio] I think we should- [stops] Whoa. [a sh*t of the five dnacers, including Jeffy, who quacks] This... is the dance troupe? Stan: Yeah, dude, the best dancers South Park has to offer. Chef: [dismayed] Oh boy. [returns to his boombox] All right, well, why don't you show me what you got? I wanna see what you kids can do! [starts the CD player. The troupe members display their moves: Stan with the Achy Breaky Dance, the tall Goth with the hanging head, Yao with his DDDM moves, Mercedes with her rump shaker, Jeffy with his duck strut] Boombox: You can't step to my roots, so don't try it. You can’t burn with my group so don’t light it. I'm on the Eastside crew and I'm better than you. You like to suck my balls, don't deny it. You can't bop her like me so don't go there. You never find a bigger bitch player nowhere. I put my jimmy in a ho, put off soul. I'm a good listener and that's rare. Chef: Oh Lord have mercy. [turns off the boombox] Children, children! No no, you've got it all wrong. Don't you see, children? You have the heart, but you don't have the soul. Nono, wait. You have the soul, but you don't have the heart. [scratches his head] Nono, scratch that. You have the heart and the soul, but you don't have the talent. Stan: We're gonna get served on Saturday, aren't we? Yao: What? I don't wanna get served. Mercedes: Yeah, you didn't tell us that we might get served. Stan: Well that was the whole point of the whole thing was that the guys came back and they said we were gonna get served and we were like- [the others also speak, but the tall Goth's voice is too low and soft to make out what he says. The duck talks over him] Chef: All right all right, quiet, children! Now, nobody's getting served if I can help it. We just gotta buckle down, dig deep, and pray that maybe the other team comes down with cancer. [Stan's gaze falls to the floor.] [Butters' room. He's working on a little village, which might be a model of South Park. Stan enters and walks up to him. Butters glances back and then looks at his work again.] Butters: What do you want? Stan: I came to ask you one more time to join the crew. Everyone is practicing really hard, but... I don't think we have any kind of sh*t without you. Butters: Sorry, Stan, I'm not a dancer anymore. [leaves his chair and walks up to his Leggos! box] I gave that up. Stan: Your mom says you were one of the best dancers in the country. Butters: [rummaging for Leggo blocks to take back to his desk] Did she also tell you my dancing got eight people k*lled? Stan: Yeah. She said your shoe came off. It wasn't your fault Butters: Yeah well, you tell that to their families. [returns to his desk with a new batch of blocks] Stan: Look, Butters, accidents happen. We all have to live with that. Butters: [whirls around] I let those people down! Don't you get it man?! Eight people died! Stan: Well, it was nine, actually. One of the women was pregnant. Butters: Oh what? Stan: And eleven if you count the two family members that k*lled themselves afterward. Butters: [cups his hear so he hears no more] HAAAA! Stan: But that isn't the point, Butters! [resumes building his tiny town] The point is that this is now! It's on! And there are people who need you to step up! Look, nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. But competing against other people and getting in their faces saying "Haha! I'm better than you!" is part of life. And if you can't face that, then you might as well sit here and play Leggos until you're an old man. Butters: Get out of my room, Stan! Stan: [Firmly] Fine. [walks to the door and opens it] But someday you're gonna have to stop running from what happened and start dealing with it. Otherwise, you might as well move to France with all the other pussies. [leaves and closes the door. Butters, angered, tosses some blocks into his town, then wipes the town off the desk.] [The OC Convention Center. "It's ON!!!! NOW!!!!"] MC: Yeah, make some noise! [the audience cheers. The OC side is shown, then the SP side. The Williamses, Jimbo, Ned, Skeeter, and Mr. Garrison are in that audience. The South Park crew is then shown with Chef] Ladies and Gentlemen, [The Marshes are shown, Randy with his portable oxygen t*nk and wheelchair.] man, you are all in for a treat! Whichever crew wins tonight, you wanna remember their faces, 'cause the next time you see them... will be in Lil Kim's next video! Give it up for Lil Kim! [a tiny Lil Kim is shown seated on a table. Her lips and breasts are waaaay too big for her infant-sized body] Lil Kim: [high squeaky voice] What's up, n*gga?! [waves to the audience] MC: This is gonna be a rough battle, y'all. So let's give it up for the OC Crew! [the crew is shown, then their parents in the audience are shown] And the challengers, the South Park Diggitys! [the crew is shown, then the South Park audience is shown, with Jimbo, Ned, and Mr. Garrison] Jimbo: Man, it is about to get crazy up in here. Mr. Garrison: Aww yeah. MC: Aight y'all. It's showtime! Announcer: Dancers to the floor! [the OC Crew steps forth] Mercedes: [runs up to Stan] Stan. Stan, we have a big problem. Stan: What? Mercedes: It's Jeffy. He sprained his ankle. [Jeffy the duck is shown with an ice pack on his ankle. The rest of the crew approaches] Stan: What happened?? Mercedes: He was practicing the say takedown and slipped on the floor. OC Member 3: Come on, fools! You dancin' or what?! Yao: Can he move it? [touches the ice pack and Jeffy protests vociferously. Yao removes his hand] Stan: Aw, what do we do, Chef?? Chef: Rules are you have to have five dancers. We have no choice, children. We have to forfeit. OC Member 1: Looks like they ain't even gonna dance. OC Leader: They're too scared! Looks like they already got served! [the doors at the back of the OCCC open up and Butters appears. Some spectators turn to see who it is, but have a hard time because of the glare behin Butters. The doors close behind him and he walks down the hall towards the dance-off in darkness. He gets easier to see as he approaches the lights] Butters: Hey! Can I still dance with you guys? Stan: Butters! [the SP crew moves towards him] Chef: All right! MC: All right come on, let's do this! DJ! Give us a hot track! [the DJ starts up a CD. The OC Crew dances first] CD: Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! [the OC leader comes up to Butters and serves him with a balance act on the right hand twice and a back flip, then returns to the crew, spins on his head a few times, then ends on his side, resting his head on his right hand] Let's see you...! Let's see you...! Daaance, sucka! [brief instrumental. The Diggitys answer the serve with a sequence that has the members twirling and handing off to the next one until all point to Butters. He then steps forth tap-dancing. He dances well, but his dancing gets intense quickly. The OC crew is awed. It got served.] Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance. [Butters' intensity is so great that his left shoe flies off his foot and sails into the rafters] Butters: Waaah! [the spectators follow the shoe's arc. The shoe hits a klieg light, which comes down and kills the OC leader. The OC coach comes forward] No! Jesus, not again! OC Member 1: Aaaah! OC Member 3: k*ll him! [the rafters come down on the rest of the crew and the coach, k*lling them instantly. Butters and the spectators are mortified at these developments] MC: [walks up, sadly] Folks, it looks like the OC crew is d*ad. That means the winner is the South Park Diggitys! Skeeter: Woo! Mr. Garrison: Yeah! Jimbo: All right! Chef: All right! We did it! [he and the Diggitys approach Butters] Stan: All right Butters! Yao: You dd it! Randy: You did it, son! You did it! Cartman: All right, Butters! [the people who arrive to congratulate Butters: Cartman, Kenny, Kyle, Mr. Garrison, Jimbo, Liane, Token and his parents, Ned, Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Mayor McDaniels. Stan and Cartman hoise Butters up between them and walk towards the camera. The others follow. Butters' mouth fills the screen] Butters: Noho! Noho! Noooooo! [End of You Got F'd In The A. "I've Got Something In My Front Pocket" plays.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "08x04 - You Got F'd In The A"}

foreverdreaming

[Butters' house, day. Butters is in the living room eating some soup. The doorbell rings. Butters stops and looks at the door. He rises and opens it, and sees a large wooden crate waiting on the porch] Butters: What the heck? [steps outside to look for the address label] Whoa! What a huge package! [finds it] "To Butters Stotch." [skips around] Oh boy! It's for me! It's for me!! [returns to the crate's label] Who is it from? "Sent from: Japan. Konichi-wa." [skips around] Wow! A package for me from Japan!! [pushes the crate into the hosue.] Wow, what can it be? My birthday isn't until September 11th. [skips around and runs into the house. He returns with a small crowbar] Oh boy! I've never gotten a package this big! I've always wanted to have a huge package. [he tugs at the panel he loosened. The panel swings down and Butters flies off. He lays on his back and looks up. A large A.W.E.S.O.M. - O, wide enough to resemble Cartman, walks out of the crate] Cartman: [monotone] Greetings. I am the AWESOM-O 4000. Butters: [dazzled] Whoa... Cartman: I have been sent from Japan to serve as your personal robot. Butters: [approaches AWESOM-O] You... you're my robot? Cartman: Yes. I will be your new best friend. Butters: Oh wow! [Moments later, Butters has Cartman sitting on his bed. Butters goes to his desk and makes a few calls.] Butters: Yep. That's right. He's a real live robot. He can walk and talk and everything. You're like the fourth kid I told already. [Cartman snickers to himself] Well I gotta go Dougie. My robot and I have stuff to do. [hangs up, takes the phone back to his bedside table and sets the phone down] Heheh, they're all so jealous! [hops onto the bed next to Cartman] I'm so glad you came into my life, AWESOM-O. You're the best friend a guy could have. Cartman: Yes. You can trust AWESOM-O. In face, you should tell AWESOM-O all your most personal secrets. AWESOM-O will not make fun of you or tell your secrets to other people and stuff. Butters: Hey yeah! Well I can tell you anything, huh? [strokes his chin] Well lessee... Well, for one, I have what's called a heziated colon, which means I sometime can't control my sphincter. Cartman: Could be. Butters: Well, nobody knows it, but sometimes I poop my pants, so I have to wear a diaper to school. [Cartman begins to chuckle] You okay, AWESOM-O? Cartman: Yes. AWESOM-O is fine. Please go on. Butters: Well, I have to take medicine for it every day. It's a little suppository I have to ...put up my rectom. Cartman: [laughs] That, that's very interesting. Tell AWESOM-O more secrets. Butters: Hm, okay. Let's see [strokes his chin] Oh, my parents don't know, but sometimes I get picked on by this one kid at school; his name is Eric Cartman, and he always tries to play jokes on me and stuff. Cartman: Oh, really? Butters: Yeah. One time he made me think a meteor had h*t the earth, and convinced me to stay down in a b*mb shelter for three days. Cartman: Heh. Wow, that sucks. Butters: Yeah. And then this other time, he pretended to be me on the phone to my dad and called him a p*ssy, so my dad came home and b*at me. Cartman: Wow. Sounds like this Cartman kid is pretty smart. Butters: No, he's not smart! He's just an assh*le. And he's never gonna play on me ever again! [hops off and walks towards his desk.] Cartman: Really? You think so? Well, guess what, Butters. I have a surprise for you. Butters: Yeah, and he's never gonna get me again! 'Cause what Cartman doesn't know is that I know one of his secrets! Cartman: What? Butters: When Cartman is playing all alone in his backyard, he likes to dress up like Britney Spears and pretend he's her! Hi sings and dances around with a life-sized cutout of Justin Timberlake. Cartman: You saw that? Butters: Yeah! And I videotaped him doing it! Cartman: Nuh uh. Butters: I've got the whole thing on tape! Even him making out with the Justin Timberlake cutout! Cartman: No way. Butters: Yeah! And if Cartman ever messes with me again, I'm gonna show that video to everybody! Then I'll lhave my revenge, boy howdy! Cartman: [b*at] ...Um, where is this videotape, Butters? Butters: Huh? Oh, I dunno. It's around here somewhere. Hey! So what do you wanna do now, AWESOM-O? Cartman: Uh, Butters, maybe you should give AWESOM-O the videotape? Butters: How come? Cartman: Well, because... AWESOM-O can, like, back it up for you, and make copies and stuff. I am AWESOM-O. Butters: Oh, that's all right, AWESOM-O. Come on! I have a lot of things to teach you. [leaves the room] Cartman: [moments later, still on the bed] Oh, son of a bitch! [Montage. Butters tosses a basketball with Cartman on the front lawn. Cartman, as AWESOM-O, can't catch it] Butters: Hey there have you heard about my robot friend? [they're walking along in a meadow. Butters is telling him a story] He's metal and small and doesn't judge me at all. He's a cyberwired bundle of joy. [Butters has AWESOM-O take sh*ts at a basketball hoop. The sh*t is good and Butters is pleased] My robot friend. [Stan, Kyle and Kenny observe nearby from behind a bush. They're dismayed at what they see. Stan grabs his nose and squeezes his eyes shut, then walks off. Kyle and Kenny follow] I like to dip and daddle with my robot friend. [jumps in a puddle, then has AWESOM-O do the same. Butters giggles] He's smart as can be and emotion-free [washes dishes while AWESOM-O dries them, then they go see "The Prince and Me." They exit, with Butters skipping beside AWESOM-O. Butters loved the movie] And he's computin' his way to my heart. My robot friend. [At a restaurant two burgers reach Butters' table. He gets one, he motions to the waiter that AWESOM-O gets the other one. The waiter looks confused, then walks away with the other burger] My robot friend. [Butters has AWESOM-O pull him along in a red wagon] My robot friend. [they walk into a sunset together] My robot ...friend. [the scene ends] [Butters' hosue, living room. His dad reads the newspaper, his mom arrives with coffee and cookies and sets them down on the coffee table] Linda: Ohhh, that's so cute. Did you see Butters and his friend Eric playing Robot. Chris: [tosses the paper onto the couch arm as Linda serves him coffee] Yes. Those boys are quite imaginative. Leave it to them to find a fun way to do the dishes. [takes his cup] Butters: [leading Cartman to the stairs] That's great AWESOM-O! [Cartman carries a pile of clothes] You can carry all my laundry in one trip! Linda: Ah, Buttters, it's getting late. You should be getting ready for bed soon. Butters: Okay Mom. Well, come on, AWESOM-O. Bedtime. Linda: Oh, is your little robot friend staying the night? Butters: Well of course he is. He's my robot, ain't he? Linda: That's okay with your mom, Mr. Robot? Cartman: AWESOM-O does not have a mom. Butters: Yup! Don't you know nothin' about robot? Come on, AWESOM-O! You can put my laundry away! [Cartman follows Butters up] Linda: Aww, that's just adorable. Chris: It's good to see Butters finally have a friend that wants to stay over. [The Stotch bathroom. Butters is brushing his teeth, AWESOM-O stands next to him] Butters: I like to brush my teeth in the morning and at night. The teeth won't mind .. Cartman: [under his breath] Grrr. Jesus Christ I can't go on like this. [normal. Butters opens up the medicine cabinet] Butters, remember when you said you had a video of Eric Cartman dressed like Britney Spears? Butters: Oh. Yeah. Cartman: I would like to see what he looks like so I can b*at him up for you. May I see the video? Butters: [turns around carrying a box of suppositories] Awww, you don't need to do that, AWESOM-O. Hey, I gotta put in my suppository. [takes one out and puts the box on the cabinet] Can you help me? Cartman: What? Butters: Remember I said I put that medicinal suppository in my anus? It'll be so much easier havin' you do it from now on. Cartman: Um. Actually, AWESOM-O was not programmed for that function. Butters: [hops down from the stool] Haw, it's real easy. I'll show you. You just take this little thingy out of the plastic... paper, and and I'll, I'll pull down my pants ...and just slide it up in my anus there. Cartman: ...No way. Butters: AWESOM-O, I though you were programmed to do whatever I tell you. Cartman: Weak! [turns right and faces Butters' ass.] Butters: Yeyeah, that, that's pretty good. Get it up there good and deep. Cartman: Lame! [Butters' house, moments later. The bedroom light remains on] Butters: All right AWESOM-O, time for us to get some sleep. [POV changes from outside to bedroom overhead] Hey, you want me to teach you some bedtime songs? If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me. Ooo-oo-oooo-oo-oo... Cartman: AWESOM-O must rest! His CPU system overloading. Butters: Oh, o-o-all right AWESOM-O. Let's get us some shut-eye, [turns off the light] or what, or whatever robots have. [closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep. He turns to his left and places a hand on AWESOM-O] [Morning. A cock crows. Butters wakes up, but AWESOM-O isn't in bed with him. He looks around and sees his room is a mess. His drawers are out of the dressers and his clothes are strewn all over the place. One of his clothing rods has been knocked down and his closet doors are open. AWESOM-O is shown at Butters' desk looking through more stuff.] Cartman: Where is it? Where is it?? Butters: AWESOM-O?? Cartman: Wah! Butters: AWESOM-O, what the Sam Heck are you doing? Cartman: Um, ah AWESOM-O is reorganizing your stuff for you. Butters: Aw Jeez Jeez Louise! My mom is gonna be awful sore when she sees this mess! Now AWESOM-O, that is a bad robot! You can't do no chores for me unless I tell you to do them! You got it?! Cartman: AWESOM-O understands. Butters: Now I'm gonna have to give ya a spankin', AWESOM-O, so that you'll learn better! [three spankings follow, but as they are done against the robot frame, they are ineffective] Just know, AWESOM-O, that I did it because I love you. Okay, come on, let's go make some breakfast. Cartman: Goddamnit, I have to find that videotape! [Butters' house, downstairs. Butters is drawing a picture at the coffee table] Butters: Look at that, AWESOM-O! I drew a picture of us playing in a field together. ["Best Friends" and likenesses of him and AWESOM-O amid some flowers] Ah I'll be right back. I'm gonna get some Sunny Delight. [walks off] Cartman: I would like some Sunny Delight too. Butters: [tickled] Don't be silly, AWESOM-O. Robots don't need to drink nothin'. [tickled, turns away] Uheehee. [the doorbell rings] Whoa. Uh go answer the door, AWESOM-O. Cartman: [turns] AWESOM-O will answers the door. [walks towards the door as Butters leaves and opens it. He sees Stan, Kyle, and Kenny] Kyle: What the hell are you doing, fatass? Stan: Dude, are you still pretending to be a robot? Cartman: [normal voice] Shh! [lifts up the helmet part of the outfit] I just need to uh make Butters think I'm a robot for a little while longer. Stan: Why? Cartman: Because I need to, all right?! I've got something planned that's uh gonna be really sweet. Just play along, okay? Stan: Why? Cartman: Kyle, Goddamnit, will you just do-? Butters: [appears behind Cartman holding his glass of Sunny Delight] Who's at the door, AWESOM-O? [Cartman turns around, then adjusts his helmet] Cartman: [monotone] Three boys named Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. Butters: Ah, hey fellas! Ah I see you met my robot. Stan: Uh yeah, Butters, he's real cool. Butters: Hey he sure is! We do everything together. Why last night we even had a slumber party. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny quickly look to Cartman] Cartman: Weak. Butters: He can do anything I command him to. He's real smart. Watch this: hey AWESOM-O, will you go get my friends some Sunny Delight? Cartman: Yes, of course. [begins to walk towards the kitchen] Kyle: Oh wait. Hey AWESOM-O, [Cartman stops] I'd also like some celery sticks chopped up two inches long, with peanut butter and raisins on top. Cartman: Suck mah balls, Kyle. [resumes his walk] Butters: [cheerfully] He's made in Japan! [The dining room. Chris holds a cup of coffee and listens as Linda talks to Liane] Linda: Yes, it has just been a delight having your son over, Mrs. Cartman. He and Butters are really getting along great. Liane: Oh, I'm so glad to hear it, Mrs. Stotch. Eric has been having some emotional problems lately. Linda: Well, the reason I'm calling is that Butters is supposed to go see his Aunt Nellie in Los Angeles this weekend. The boys are getting along so well that we were thinking of inviting Eric to go along. Liane: Oh, well, I'm not sure. Actually, Eric is still supposed to be grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks ago. Linda: [Chris takes a sip] Excuse me, I didn't catch that. Liane: Oh, but I suppose it would be good for him. Yes, of course he can go. I'll bring some of clothes over. Linda: Oh, wonderful! The boys will be so excited. [The kitchen. AWESOM-O rummages around under the sink] Cartman: Maybe he put that videotape in here somewhere. Butters: [enters] AWESOM-O, what are you doing? My friends are waiting for their beverages. Chop chop! [Cartman moves to the refrigerator, Chris and Liane enter] Linda: Hey guys, great news! It's been arranged: you two are both going to Los Angeles to visit Butters' Aunt Nellie! Butters: [overjoyed] Oh boy! My robot gets to come with me to see Aunt Nellie?! Cartman: What? Butters: Oh boy, [shakes Cartman's hand] AWESOM-O! We're gonna have the best time ever! [hugs the "robot"] Cartman: Lame. [Los Angeles, day. The Hollywood sign appears in the background] [Aunt Nellie's house] Uncle: Hey Nellie, guess what I found scrampin' around the airport. [Betters enters in his fnest suit] Butters: Howdy Aunt Nellie! [runs up to her and they hug each other] Aunt Nellie: There's my little nephew! How was your flight? [they let go of each other] Butters: It was long. We had a three-hour delay ...departin' Denver, but we're here! Aunt Nellie: Didn't ya bring any bags? Butters: Well, sure, but my robot is bringin' them in. Aunt Nellie: Your robot? Uncle: Butters' new friend is a little strange. He, he really takes playing Robot seriously. [Cartman walks in mechanically with all the luggage.] Butters: There he is! AWESOM-O, this is my Aunt Nellie. [Cartman drops the suitcases] Aunt Nellie: Hello! It's nice to have you here. Cartman: AWESOM-O must dispense oil waste. Where is the nearest toilet, please? Aunt Nellie: Oh oh, right through there, Mr. Robot. Cartman: Thank you. [walks in the direction Aunt Nellie points to] Uncle: I don't think he took the costume off the entire trip. Aunt Nellie: Well, did you wanna get right to sight-seeing, or are you guys hungry after such a long flight. Butters: Nah, I ate on the plane. And AWESOM-O is a robot, so he don't need to eat. Aunt Nellie: Right... [Aunt Nellie's restroom. Cartman runs in frantically and takes off the helmet. His hair is matted against his head and he gasps for air. He runs up to the sink and reaches ...for the toothpaste. He squeezes the tube and sucks out the contents hungrily] Butters: [knocks on the door] AWESOM-O? Cartman: Aw-Aw-AWESOM-O is coming. [finishes off the tube, hops down, and tosses the tube aside] Butters: Come on, AWESOM-O! We're gonna go a-sightseein'! Cartman: Argh! [heads out.] [Montage. Hollywood Boulevard, facing the Chinese Theater. The Passion is playing there. Butters takes a picture of AWESOM-O next to the cemented hand- and footprints of the stars. Next, he and AWESOM-O ride down a log in an amusement park. Next, he and AWESOM-O are in a plane ride together. Next, AWESOM-O rubs some suntan lotion on Butters' back. Next, he and AWESOM-O take part in a Galaxy Studios Tour ride. A shark pops up and roars menacingly at the riders. Next, Catamount Pictures is shown.] Butters: I'm hangin' out in LA with my robot friend We're havin' such fun in the hot hot sun We're two of a kind- That's me! And my robot friend. My robot friend. My robot ...friend. [Catamount Pictures. Butters and Cartman walk around. Cartman carries the bags] Butters: Can you believe we're at a real live movie studio, AWESOM-O? Aren't we havin' the best time? Cartman: Butters, wouldn't you like to have some time away from AWESOM-O? We could meet up later, perhaps? Butters: Hey, look over there, AWESOM-O. The film studio commissary. [Le Catamount Bistró] That's where all them rich movie producers who come up with uh, Hollywood blockbusters have their lunch. Neato, huh? [moves off] [Le Catamount Bistró, Two producers talk.] Producer: [as the other producer eats] Damnit, Mitch. How come our movie studio can't come up with any winners? I mean, we're smart, right? Mitch: [the bald producer] We're really smart. Producer: We need an idea for a movie that's a home run. A feel-good romp for the whole family. [notices something and points] Hey, what's that over there? [Mitch looks over his shoulder. The camera looks at Butters and AWESOM-O attracting a crowd] Woman: Wow, that's a really neat little robot you have there, little boy. Girl: What's he do? Butters: Well, he can do anything. Watch this: Hey, AWESOM-O, who's gonna win the Superbowl next year? Cartman: The New Orleans Saints. [everyone arounds them laughs, and the producers approach] Boy: Hey, Mr. Robot, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Cartman: Seventeen. [everyone laughs again] Producer: Mitch, are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? Mitch: [strokes his chin] Yeah. Maybe that robot can be programmed to come up with movie ideas! [smiles] Producer: [looks at him intently] Exactly! [smiles] [Catamount Pictures boardroom. The producer introduces Butters and AWESOM-O to his staff] Producer: Gentlemen, this little boy was kind enough to let us show you his robot. The AWESOM-O 4000. [approaches the robot, who's seated at one end of the table] I've already seen what he can do. Staffer 1: Uh, excuse me sir, but uh, that's not a robot. Producer: It's not? Staffer 1: No, it clearly had bipedal movement, so the correct term is "computerized automatron." Mitch: Oh, very nice, Mitch. Staffer 2: You are the smart one. Producer: Well, regardless, I believe maybe this automatron can help us come up with new movie ideas. Staffer 2: How can a robot come up with better ideas for movies than us? Producer: Watch this: AWESOM-O, given the current trends of the movie-going public can you come up with an idea for a movie that will break a hundred million box office? Cartman: Um... okay. How about this: [the staffers take pen to paper and anticipate the ideas] Adam Sandler is like, in love with some girl, but then it turns out that the girl is actually a ...golden retriever, or something. Staffer 2: [thinking over this idea, then write it down] Oh, perfect! Staffer 3: We'll call it "Puppy Love"! Staffer 2: Give us another movie idea, AWESOM-O! Mitch: Yeah yeah! Staffer 3: Let's hear it! Mitch: Yeah, we wanna hear it! Staffer 3: Come on, come on! Cartman: Okay, how about this: Adam Sandler... inherits like, a billion dollars, but first, he has to, like, become a ...boxer, or something. Staffer 3: [the producers start writing again] ...Yes, it's flawless! Mitch: Punch-Drunk Billionaire! [Aunt Nellie's place, guest room. Butters is at the desk counting up all the movie he and AWESOM-O got for Cartman's ideas and putting one hundred dollar bills one per envelope.] Butters: Boy, Los Angeles is great, huh AWESOM-O? Can you believe those guys paid us a hundred dollars apiece for those movie ideas? Cartman: You should split that money with AWESOM-O. After all, they were AWESOM-O's ideas. Butters: Hahaa, right! What are you gonna do with money, AWESOM-O? Buy some robot pants? Haha, no! We got each other and that's all we need, AWESOM-O. I'm gonna send this money to needy kids in third-world countries. Cartman: [growing desperate, walks around] Haaaa! Haaaa! Butters: [concerned] Ye, you okay AWESOM-O? Cartman: AWESOM-O needs to rest! Feeling faint. Butters: Well you go ahead and relax, AWESOM-O. We've got another full day of pitching movies tomorrow. [Washington DC, the Pentagon.] [The Pentagon, a boardroom. A general addresses his peers] General: Gentlemen, Ladies, we all know that we live in a time of uncertainty. The risk of an att*ck on American soil is higher than ever. Now, I believe we may be able to curb that risk. Two days ago our intelligence department came across this: [turns around and faces a wall of TV screens. His peers turn to look. He then turns the screens on. Images of AWESOM-O, taken from various angles, pop up] The AWESOM-O 4000. It is currently being used by Catamount Pictures to develop ideas for movies. Our sources say that in just one week it has come up with over one thousand movie ideas, eight hundred of which feature Adam Sandler. [the officers murmur amongst themselves] Black Official: That's incredible! White Official: You're thinking the robot could be used to come up with anti-Islamic movies? General: No. If we got our hands on that robot, we could reprogram it and turn it into a w*apon!. Black Official: Yes, that might be the best thing to do. White Official: Uh huh. I don't see how we have a choice. Scientist: Hold on a second: If that robot is designed for entertainment, then, turning it into a w*apon is unethical. General: Unethical? Let me explain something to you, Mr. Scientist! We understand that the robot is from Japan! That means that the Japanese have more of them! And if the Japanese fabricates one of them into a w*apon before we do... Black Official: Jesus. It would be Pearl Harbor all over again. White Official: But worse. With robots. Scientist: I I'm sorry, I must protest. We, we have no data suggesting the Japanese have developed a robot with offensive capability. General: You're paid to think, Mr. Scientist! National security is our jub. [the scientist sits back down.] Gentlemen, we're going to Los Angeles! [zoom in] I want that robot! [Catamount Pictures lobby. Butters places a call.] Butters: Yeah, me and my robot are still over at the movie studio, Aunt Nellie. We're makin' all sorts of money for the poor. [The boardroom. Cartman is pitching more movie ideas.] Cartman: Movie idea number two thousand three hundred and five: Adam Sandler is trapped on an island and falls in love with a coconut. Producer: Great, AWESOM-O, great. Uh guys, take a break. I need a minute alone with AWESOM-O. [the othe rmen rise and leave the room, making plans for lunch on the way out. The producer approaches Cartman.] You are an incredible robot, AWESOM-O. I was just wondering... are you by chance a ...pleasure model? Cartman: ...What? Producer: [trying to be delicate] Well, have you been programmed to... satisfy... urges of humans? Cartman: AWESOM-O does not understand. Producer: Let me show you what I mean. [removes his tie] [Catamount Pictures lobby] Butters: Well yeah, we're havin' a great time, Aunt Nellie. These movie studio guys are real nice. Cartman: [from the boardroom] LAME! Butters: Yeah, we're makin' a bunch more money. I can't believe it either. [the boardroom doors burst open and AWESOM-O runs out] Cartman: NOT COOL! TOTALLY LAME! [runs to his left. Butters looks over his shoulder] Butters: AWESOM-O? Well, I gotta go, Aunt Nellie. Ah, AWESOM-O is havin' some kind of malfunction. [hangs up and goes after AWESOM-O.] AWESOM-O? Hey, where'd ya go? [looks left, then right, then goes to the right, exiting the scene. Moments later the producer shows up at the doorway with his pants down.] Cartman: Waaaaa! [a cattle prod appears and shocks him until he falls over. A dolly then appears and two soldiers quickly put Cartman on it and haul him off] Soldier: Let's go! Move, move! Butters: [appears around the corner] AWESOM-O? [notices the soldiers] Hey, what are you doin' with him?! [the soldiers exit some side doors and toss him into the back of a waiting van. Butters exits the side door] That's my robot! [the soldiers get into the van and drive off] AWESOM-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! [A military base near Los Angeles. In a warehouse, AWESOM-O, shackled onto a platform, is raised from a horizontal position to vertical. Two soldiers approach on either side of Cartman and tighten the locks on him] General: Are those arm and leg locks secure? Soldier: Secure, sir! General: Good. I don't want that robot mobile until I know what it's capable of. All right, power it on. [the scientist turns a drill on and approaches AWESOM-O] Cartman: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Scientist: [steps back surprised] What the hell? General: What's going on? Scientist: [in wonder] It... powered itself back on. General: [whispers to a soldier to his left] Stand by. Be ready to destroy it. [the soldier cocks his semiautomatic and aims at Cartman] Cartman: Where the hell am I?! Hey, why can't I move?! Scientist: Are your systems s*ab? Run a systems check on your CPU. Cartman: The f*ck are you talkin' about, dude?! Scientist: Ah, I'm sorry, robot, [in a low voice, almost a whisper] they want me to reprogram you. Cartman: I'm not a robot, dumbass! I'm alive! Scientist: What did you say? Cartman: I said I'm a real person, asswipe! Scientist: [stunned] ...Oh my God. [turns around and approaches the military] General: What's happening? Scientist: The robot... It thinks it's alive. It's developed consciousness. General: What? How can that be? Scientist: Must be a malfunction of its exographical IMS or the... interlaced BV system. General: Speak in a language we can understand, Mr. Scientist! Scientist: Your robot doesn't know it's a robot! Cartman: Goddamnit, get me down from here! [the military approaches him] General: Who made you, robot?! Cartman: [enunciating] I'm not a robot, I'm a human! White Official: [the military turns around] Jesus, the scientist was right. General: But, who would have programmed it to think it was human? The movie studio? Cartman: Look, ret*rd! My name is Eric Cartman! I live with my mom in South Park, Colorado! General: [faces Cartman] Dear Christ, they gave it memories, too. Scientist: Sure, why not? Program the memories of some eight-year-old boy who doesn't exist, and make the robot think he's real! Makes for a lot better movies! I'm not reprogramming a robot that's developed consciousness! General: Do I have to remind you of your position?! Don't forget you have a duty to your country, [draws out the next few syllables] Mr. Scientist!! I want that robot's memories and consciousness E-RASED, so we can take it back to Washington! GOT IT?! [the military leaves him to his work.] Scientist: Damn you all to hell!.. [Los Angeles. Butters walks down a sidwalk alone with his head down] Butters: [voiceover, sadly] Hey there, did you know I had a robot friend? We used to laugh and play, but someone took him away. He was my ten gigahertz old pal. My robot friend. Butters: [realizing something] Hey, wait a minute. [sees the van that took AWESOM-O away] Why, that's the van that- [tuns towards it] Oh my God! [The military base, warehouse. The scientist has positioned AWESOM-O so his head can be drilled into, and a huge drill bit begins to descend towards him.] Cartman: [fidgets frantically] Goddamnit, stop! I'm real! I'm real! Soldier: It'll all be over soon, robot! [the scientist scratches his head, then decides to take action. He takes out a vice wrench and smacks the soldier with it, knocking him out. He turns off the drill, tosses the wrench aside and goes to AWESOM-O] Scientist: Hang on! I'm getting you out of here, robot! Cartman: Aw, it's about freaking time, jackass! [the General and his men return, Cartman gets off the platform] General: What the hell are you doing?! Scientist: [turns around] Well I, I'm saving a conscious being! If you wanna k*ll it, you'll have to go through me! General: Fine. k*ll that son of a bitch! Cartman: No! Look, Goddamnit! Now I can show you stupid assholes who I really am! [raises his helmet enough to show his eyes] Butters: [enters] AWESOM-O! [the helmet quickly goes down and Cartman becomes a robot again] Cartman: I am the AWESOM-O 4000. [the soldier fires one sh*t into the scientist, and the scientist goes down] Butters: No!! [runs up to Cartman] No, please! [hugs him] Don't k*ll him! He's my best friend! He's my best friend in the whole world! [begins to sob. The military is amazed by this display of affection from a boy towards his robot] Scientsit: [still alive, looks up] There. You see? You want to tell me this isn't humanity? Who's to judge what makes somethng human anyway?! [pulls out his stomach] Does this make me human?! [pulls out his lung] Or this?! [pulls out his intestines] Or these?! [falls over d*ad] General: [approaches AWESOM-O] Perhaps... there is consciousness in this robot. Maybe we as a society need to realize that artificial intelligence... is intelligence all the same, and we can learn from the robots. I think maybe one day we can all- [Cartman farts, Butters steps back surprised] Heh- wait a minute, did, did that robot just fart? Butters: Hey, robots don't fart! Cartman: Uh... now ending fart sequence. General: Oh, and it, it smells, too! Cartman: Smell sequence initiated. Black Official: A robot with smelly farts? That doesn't make any sense. Butters: Hang on a second here! [reaches for AWESOM-O's helmet and removes it. The military is taken aback at what they see.] [A room somewhere. A portable screen is put up and the videotape of Cartman acting strange in his backyard is being shown. The sound of laughing kids is heard. On the tape, Cartman is dancing around like Britney Spears] Cartman: [rapping] Would you like to touch my body? Come on and touch my body! Oooo, my hot body! Don't you like my hot body? Come on and touch my titties! I felt them just like ??? Come on Justin, touch my body! [begins dancing with a life-size cutout of Justin Timberlake] Mmm, Justin, yeah! Touch my body! You and me! Check it out, my not-hot body! Come on, my body! [As the video plays, sh*ts are shown of: the fourth graders and the kindergartners, more fourth graders and older students, Chef, Principal Victoria, Mr. Garrison, other teachers, Butters enjoying himself immensely, the Catamount Pictures producers, the military, then of a fuming Cartman having to suffer it all as everyone laughs.] General: Wow, kid, you're a little f*g! [resumes laughing.] Cartman: Lame... [End of AWESOM-O.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "08x05 - AWESOM-O"}

foreverdreaming

[The neighborhood. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny ride down the street on their Big Wheels.] Stan: [stops and looks] Hey, check it out, dude. Somebody bought the Donovans' old house. [the other boys stop and look] Kyle: Yeah, I think they already moved in. I saw moving vans in their driveway two days ago. Cartman: I hope they're not Austrians. That's the last thing this town needs. [a door is heard opening] Kyle: [points] Hey look! [a young kid wearing an ornate face mask is seen peeking out through the front door] Kid: Hello. [the boys step off their bikes and approach] Kyle: Hey. Do you live here? Kid: Yeah, I just moved here with my dad. Are you gonna be my new friends? Cartman: [sniffs] No. Kid: I really like your town. My dad wanted to move somewhere to get away from it all. He said he wanted piece and quiet, and to live with a bunch of hicks who don't know anything. [Stan and Kyle look at each other, a bit puzled] Stan: What's that you're wearing? Kid: It's my mask. My daddy says it's best for me to hide my face. My name's Blanket. Cartman: Your name is Blanket. Right. Well, Blanket, I'm Howdy Doody, and these are my friends Timsy [Kenny], Winky [Stan] and Nod. [Kyle] Unfortunately, we have to be off to the Land of Booger Trees, so we'll be leaving now. [the boys turn and go back to their bikes] Blanket: Wait, don't you guys wanna come inside and play? Cartman: [the boys stop and turn] Huh look dude, we're in the fourth grade, okay? You know what that means? It means we don't hang out with a little kid. Come on, guys, let's get back to our Big Wheels. [they turn away] Blanket: We have arcade games inside. [Kyle and Cartman whip around. Moments later the boys are in the arcade room at the old Donovan house.] [The old Donovan house, now Blanket's home.] Blanket: Dad? Stan: [marveling at all he sees] Whoa. Dude, no way. Cartman: Oh my God, this is awesome! [runs up to a machine which holds toys] Stan: Dude, are these all your toys? Blanket: No, this is all my dad's stuff. He loves toys and video games. Kyle: Dude, he must be loaded! What does he do? Blanket: He's retired now. Cartman: [guiding the machine's arm to grab a plush toy] Oh my God, dude! Your dad must be the coolest dad in the world! Blanket: Come on, my dad's probably out in the back yard. [guides the other three boys out] [The back yard. The sliding door opens up to a small park, a Neverland, with a giraffe, small Ferris wheel, small carousel, and other things. The boys step through the doorway] Cartman: Oh, kick ass! Dude, why isn't my house like this?! Blanket: Dad, you out here?? Dad: Here I am, Blanket! [Blanket's dad, a spitting image of Michael Jackson, rides into view on a small train and waves. Every few seconds his moustache falls off and he has to put it back in place. He hops off the train and dances around] Heeee! [twirls, does a pelvic thrust while daintily touching his crotch] Jeh chabee durtah! [pulls up his pant legs a bit, kicks his right leg up, then whips his right arm out to full length. His moustache falls off and he resets it, thnn runs up to Blanket and picks him up] Blanket!! Oh my beautiful blanket! Kyle: [softly] What's wrong with his face? Stan: [softly] Be cool, dude. I, I think maybe he's a burn victim or something. Blanket: Guys, this is my dad, Michael Ja- Mr. Jefferson: Jefferson! Michael ...Jefferson, yeh. Hey, you wanna play with me? [runs into the yard] Come on, let's climb the tree! [tuns to a tree and scales it] Come on, climb the tree, climb the tree! [motions for the boys to join him. They oblige and jion him up there] Have you been up my ...Wishing Tree? Tuh! It's where I come to think and dream. And now I'd like to show you my ...Wishing Tree. Jam on! Where we can laugh and giggle and scream. Hee hee! Imagination is the key. Kyle: Mr. Jefferson, your son can't get up. Mr. Jefferson: Won't you imagine along with me? Kyle: Mr. Jefferson? [on the ground, Blanket can't even reach the bottom rung of the ladder] Mr. Jefferson: We can be spacemen, or pirates on the sea Chuckajam on Yes we can do everything, and I mean, everything! Chuckajam on Up in my Wishing Tree! Hee hee! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! [Stark's Pond, day. A group of kids skate around lazily on its frozen surface. Stan and friends race over a rise towards the lake] Stan: Hey you guys! You guys! [the kids gather around] You gotta come with us over to the Jeffersons! Red: The Jeffersons? Cartman: [breathless] They're a new family that just moved to South Park! We met this kid named Blanket, and he has the coolest dad in the world! [his chest heaves noticeably] Kyle: Mr. Jefferson said we can invite all the kids in town to go play over at their house. Cartman: They have like, video games and rides and a cotton-candy machine, oh, and, and in their back yard, guess what they have in their back yard?? Guess. A train. Craig: No way. Cartman: Yeah way, Craig! And if you don't believe in Mr. Jefferson, then you can just not come! Craig: [not wanting to be left out] I believe in Mr. Jefferson. [The Jefferson house, arcade room. As the kids enjoy the toys and games found there, Jefferson swings above them on a spacious swing with Bebe on his lap] Jefferson: Weeeeeee, look at us on the swing! We're swinging! Blanket: Who wants the first cotton candy? [the kids around him begin to clamor for it] Kids: Memememememememememe... [Blanket tosses the first cotton-candy to Kyle] Mr. Jefferson: Mememe! I'm first! I'm first! [Blanket steps away a bit astonished, but soon all the kids have cotton candy] Ooooh, let's go ride the choo-choo train! Cartman: Choo-choo train! Yay! [the kids begin to move towards the back yard. Blanket is left on the floor trying to stand and catch up to them.] [The Jefferson back yard. The kids follow Jefferson to the train] Mr. Jefferson: Let's ride the train! The train! [The kids climb on and the train begins to roll] Would you like to ride the train with me, and start a magical journey? Cartman: [pops up behind Jefferson] Yes I would, Mr. Jefferson. You're so awesome, Mr. Jefferson. Mr. Jefferson: Cartman, you have a beautiful voice. Cartman: Thank you Mr. Jefferson. So do you. [duet] Mr. Jefferson: Let's ride and ride on the train together Cartman: ... Train together Mr. Jefferson: On a journey through both of our minds. Cartman: ... I've got time. Do youuu?? [back near the sliding door, Stan, Kyle and Kenny look on. Blanket stands next to them and Kyle notices Blanket's left leg] Kyle: Dude, what happened to your knee? Blanket: [his skinned knee is shown] I fell down. Kyle: [calls out] Mr. Jefferson! Mr. Jefferson: [back on the train] Choo-choo train, it's all fun and games. Cartman: Choo-choo train. Kyle: Mr.! Goddamnit. Here, come on. We need to clean that up. [takes Blanket inside] [The bathroom, nicely appointed. Kyle sits Blanket on the toilet and dresses the wound] Kyle: Alright, this is gonna sting for a second. [dabs some alcohol onto a towel and presses the towel onto Blenket's knee, wiping off some dirt, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel.] Blanket: Ow! Kyle: I know, I know. Be cool. Blanket: Thank you. That already feels better. Kyle: [wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel] So, dude, do you have any brothers or sisters? Blanket: I have a half-brother and a half-sister. But they live with their mom now. Kyle: [wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel] And where is your mom? Blanket: I don't have a mom. Kyle: You must have a mom. [wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel] You mean she doesn't live here, or she's d*ad, or what? Blanket: No. I was made in a laboratory. Kyle: What? Blanket: My daddy wanted to have a baby, so he put me in a test tube. Then, they put me in a woman's tummy, and, when I was born, Daddy took me home. Kyle: So you never met your mom? Blanket: Noo... But I used to have a lot of bodyguards and nannies, if that counts. Kyle: Yeah. Yeah, that counts. [The neighborhood, some time later. The boys are walking home] Cartman: Oh man, that was great! You guys know what Mr. Jefferson said? He said I'm his best friend, and I can go over to his house whenever I want! I'm supposed to go right back over there after dinner tonight! Kyle: You guys, I feel kinda bad for that kid. Cartman: You feel bad for him?! He has everything a kid could want! Kyle: Mr. Jefferson just seems like he wants to be a kid, not have one. Cartman: Oh, you know what?! This makes perfect sense! A guy moves into South Park with a FERRIS wheel in his back yard, and KYLE has to see a problem with it! [faces Kyle down] Mr. Jefferson is the best thing that's happened to this town in a long time, and if you miss this up, so help me GOD, I will rip your balls off with my bare hands! With my bare hands, g*dd*mn you! [turns and walks away angrily] [Stan's house, afternoon. Stan enters the kitchen through the back door. Randy is at the breakfast nook reading a paper, Sharon puts a coffee pot onto the counter] Randy: Well, there he is. Where have you been all afternoon. Stan: I was over at the new neighbors, the Jeffersons. Sharon: Oh, are they nice people? Stan: Yeah. It's just a dad and his son. Sharon: Well, we're supposed to have the Broflovskis and the Stotches over for dinner tonight. Maybe I'll invite Mr. Jefferson too. [Stan's house, evening. The Marshes and their guests are seated at table for dinner. On screen left are seated Sheila, Chris and Linda. On screen right are seated Gerald, Mr. Jefferson, and Sharon, and Randy is at the head of the table] Gerald: So, Mr. Jefferson, did I hear you say you moved here from Kentucky? Mr. Jefferson: Kentucky, yeh. Randy: I heard people saying you all were from Illinois. Mr. Jefferson: No, theh, they're ignorant. That's ignorant. Chris: What kind of work do you do, Mr. Jefferson? Mr. Jefferson: Oh I'm retired now, but, I was in... pharmaceuticals Sheila: Well our boys have really taken a liking to you. You seem to really have a way with them. Mr. Jefferson: I just id- identify so much with children. Their innocence, their beauty. I think that God is in the face of every child. Randy: ....Yeeeah. Sharon: ...They are fun. [glances back, away from the table] Boys, you okay out there? [The living room. Stan, Kyle, and Blanket are seated on the sofa, eating] Stan: Fine Mom. Blanket: Wow, these are great. What are they called again? Kyle: They're TV dinners. Don't you wanna take that veil off so you can eat? Blanket: Nah, I'm not supposed to. Dad says I have to keep my face hidden. [the doorbell rings. Stan goes to answer the front door and sees Cartman] Cartman: What the hell is going on?! Are you having Mr. Jefferson over for dinner?! Stan: No, my parents are. Cartman: You guys better not be trying to Bogart my friend away! Stan: What? Cartman: He is MY friend, got it?! I was friends with him before you assholes were, [Stan steps back...] and I hoowi- [...and closes the door. Stan walks away and Cartman looks through a window] Stan! Stan, I'm serisouslih! You'd better not be talking bad about me in there to Mr. Jefferson! [The dining table] Gerald: Hey, you know Kobe Bryant was up in Eagle today. Randy: Oh yeah? What do you think, Mr. Jefferson? Do you think Kobe's guilty or innocent? Mr. Jefferson: [taken aback] D'huh? Chris: I think he's definitely going to jail. I just love seeing smug celebrities get their comeuppance. Mr. Jefferson: I think it's wrong what the police do to wealthy black men. Gerald: Oh come on, Mr. Jefferson, you're not one of those who think that the police go around framing rich black people just because they're jealous.. Mr. Jefferson: Yeah! Because their hearts are full of greed and they have... doodoo in their soul. [Park County Police Station. Inside an officer waits for a fax to finish printing. As another officer walks by with a cup of coffee, he takes a sheet from the machine] Officer: Hey Sergeant, take a look at this. Sergeant: [disregards the sheet] Whatcha got? Officer: Looks like a new family has just moved into South Park. One Mr. Jefferson, age 50, bought a house there and paid cash. He seems to have a lot of money. Sergeant: So, what's the problem? Officer: Take a look. Says here... [the sergeant takes the sheet and reviews it] He's black. Sergeant: By God, so he is. Black and rich. Time to take this Mr. Jefferson down, just like we did Kobe. [hands the sheet and the cup of coffee to the officer and address the department] Let's go people! [turns, takes his coat from the coat rack and puts it on] We've got another rich black guy. I want him humiliated and dragged through the dirt, and I want it done by the books! [the officers respond] [Stan's house, night. Stan is asleep in his room when someone pounds at his window. Stan wakes up, then goes to the window] Stan: [looks out] Kyle? [opens the window. Mr. Jefferson, dressed as Peter Pan, crawls up and in] Mr. Jefferson: Hey, Stan, whatcha doin'? [dances a little] Stan: Mr. Jefferson- Awww! [hops off the bed] It's 1:30 in the morning! Mr. Jefferson: Look at me, I'm Peter Pan. [draws his small sword and swings it. His moustache falls off] T-shamon! I'm a little boy forever. [raises himself up on his tippy-toes] Hey! Stan: Mr. Jefferson, I have to go to school tomorrow! Cartman: [appears at the window and climbs in as Jefferson shows off some fencing moves] Oh, son of a bitch! I knew it! What the hell are you doing, Stan?! I'll tell you what you're doing! You're trying to steal MY best friend! Stan: He just showed up here. Cartman: Remember, Mr. Jefferson? You said we were best friends. [a knock is heard at Stan's door] Stan: Jesus Christ! [goes to the door and finds Kyle and Blanket in the hallway] Kyle: Dude, look who I found prowling around in my back yard. Blanket: [wearing his veil] Hi Stan. Kyle: He was out all alone in the middle of the night. Mr. Jefferson isn't even home. Stan: I know. He's here. Kyle: What?? Mr. Jefferson: Oh Kyle, Blanket, yay, it's a slumber party! Stan: No! Mr. Jefferson, you need to take your son home. Mr. Jefferson: We can't go home. There's a ghost in our house. Me and Blanket are scared. Blanket: Dad says it wants to eat us. Mr. Jefferson: Please don't make us go back home. Please! We're scared, we're scared! Blanket: We're scared! Mr. Jefferson: Hee hee! Stan: Okay, fine, we'll all stay here, but we're going to sleep now! Kyle: Come on, Blanket. [takes Blanket to bed. Stan follows them and all three slide into place] Mr. Jefferson: [slides in next to Stan] Now let's all sleep and dream Heehee! of fun and adventurous things shamon! It's time for us all to say goodnight Cartman: [moves in like a giant beetle] Deeper. [squeezes in between Mr. Jefferson and Stan, then turns to Mr. Jefferson and caresses him. Stan rolls his eyes and looks at Cartman again, then closes his eyes and begins to dream...] Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could be around you all the time. You're awesome. Mr. Jefferson: I think you're awesome too, Cartman. [they get closer and closer to each other] Cartman: Yeah? Mr. Jefferson: Yeah. Cartman: Yeah? Mr. Jefferson: Yeah. Cartman: Yeah? [they're about to kiss, and Stan wakes up startled] Stan: Haaa! [looks over to his right and sees them both asleep] Mr. Jefferson: [wakes up] What's the matter, Stan? Did you have a bad dream? Stan: Yeah. A really bad dream. [shuts his eyes and sinks down into his bed] Oh Jesus! [The Jefferson house. An unmarked police car, blue in color, waits across the street. The sergeant's partner sips on a soda] Sergeant: [using his walkie-talkie] Murphy, you inside? Murphy: [walking through the arcade room] We're inside, sir. Harris was right. This guy looks like he has more money than all of us put together. Black sonofabitch! [whips out a package of something white] I'm planting the cocaine now. [sets it under the toy machine Cartman was using earlier] Sergeant: Johnson, what about you? Johnson: [in a closet] Placing the blood spatter now, sir. [right on a pair of Jefferson's shoes] Sergeant: Frakes? Frakes: Placing pubic hair from the r*ped girl now, sir. Sergeant: All right, when this Jefferson guy shows up, arrest him fast and try not to b*at him. There could be neighbors with video cameras. [sighs] Why do we do it, Harris? Harris: [the partner] Sir? Sergeant: Why is it that us policement around the country have such a passion for framing wealthy African-Americans with crimes they didn't commit? Harris: Oh why? I guess I never thought about why, sir. We just do it. Sergeant: Twenty-five years I've been on the force. I've seen every kind of sick, depraved act known to humanity and still, when I see a black man walk by who has more money than me, I... want to vomit my gizzards right in the gutter. But why? Maybe there is no reason. Maybe there's just a big blue ball out there that's mostly covered with water and we're just goin' along for the ride. [Stan's house, morning. Someone knocks on Stan's door.] Randy: Stan, time to get up for school. [opens the door and looks in] Stan? What the-? [sees the five people in bed] Mr. Jefferson?! Mr. Jefferson: [sits up quickly] Oh oh, we were just having a slumber party. [the boys sit up and look at Randy] Randy: Mr. Jefferson, this is highly inappropriate! Mr. Jefferson: Inappropriate? No, you're being ignorant. They're my friends. You see, I I didn't have a childhood, so I'm really just a child myself. [whips out some bills from a back pocket and approaches Randy and Sharon] Here, everything's okay. I want you each to have a hundred dollars. [gives each of them a C note] Randy: Wow, I'm gonna go buy that new sport coat I've been wanting. [leaves, and Sharon watches him go] Mr. Jefferson: Come on, Blanket. We have to go home and feed the animals. Bye, friends. [quickly leaves with Blanket in tow] Sharon: Boys, I do not want you going over to Mr. Jefferson's anymore. Do you understand? Stan: You don't have to tell us twice, Mom. That guy's a freak! Cartman: Not go to Mr. Jefferson's anymore? Well, excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh, but you can suck my fat hairy balls! [Stan, Kyle, and Sharon are shocked at the language coming out of Cartman's mouth.] [The stakeout at Jefferson house, day. The two officers are snoring, but the sergeant is roused by the sound of a voice] Mr. Jefferson: Come on, Blanket! Sergeant: Hey Harris Harris Harris! Harris! Harris: [walks] What what what? Sergeant: It's Jefferson! He's back! [gets on his communicator] All right, people. Let's give Blacky a nice welcome home. [he and Harris whip out firearms and aim. Mr. Jefferson opens the front door and goes back to the front lawn to retrieve his moustache] Whoa, wait a minute! [withdraws his g*n] That guy isn't black! [Blanket heads down the steps, and Mr. Jefferson takes him insdie] Holy God, his son isn't black either! Oh Jesus! [gets on his communicator] This is Yeats! Stand down! I repeat, stand down! Suspect is not black! [scolds Harris] You son of a bitch, you told my this guy was African-American! Harris: It says right here on the final sheet he is! Yeats: [shoves Harris's face against the windshield] Does that look like a black guy to you?! Harris: It said on the final sheet! Yeats: [throws a fit] Jesus Christ Monkeyballs! We could have made an innocent man go to jail who wasn't black! Oh! [grabs his own neck, then quickly opens his door and vomits onto the street] Wuuugh! Wuugh! Ohaugh. Ugh. [wipes his lips clean with the back of his hand and now looks exhausted] Jesus, Harris. What are we becoming? We're supposed to... protect the people. Where have we lost our way? Harris: Sir, it's possible that he is black, even though he doesn't look it. Yeats: [whips around and says menacingly] To hell with you!! I'm never gonna frame an innocent man again! Unless I KNOW he's black for sure!! [Inside the house, Mr. Jefferson closes all the windows and curtains] Mr. Jefferson: All the adults are trying to get us. Get up to your room, Blanket, and put your mask on! We can't go outside anymore! [moments later, Blanket is in his room looking outside. Across the street, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk by. Kyle looks up and notices Blanket looking bored.] Kyle: [stops] That poor kid. Stan: Dude, come on. We're not supposed to go over there. [Kyle crosses the street anyway and Kenny shrugs. Stan and Kenny follow] Blanket: [opens his windows as they approach] Hi guys! Kyle: Hey Blanket. Uh, look, we're goin' over to help my dad chop wood. You... wanna come with? Blanket: Really? You mean it? Mr. Jefferson: [interrupts, clapping] Oh yay, my friends are here! Come inside and play, guys! Stan: Ah, actually, Mr. Jefferson, we were seeing if Blanket wanted to chop wood with us. Mr. Jefferson: Chop wood? No, that's ignorant. That's poopie work. Blanket and me wanna play! Stan: Mr. Jefferson, ih it might be good for Blanket to learn how to chop wood Mr. Jefferson: Blanket likes to play, don't you Blanket? [picks him up and moves him around through the open window] Wee, look! He can fly! Kyle: [the boys fear for Blanket's life] Jesus Christ, dude! Blanket: Aaaaaah!! [Mr. Jefferson dangles him around by his left foot] Stan: Stop, you f*cking lunatic!! [Mr. Jefferson's moustache falls off and down to the ground, he pulls Blanket back inside and closes the window] Kyle: Dude, we have got to get that kid away from him! [Blanket's room. He's crying on a giant plush teddy bear. Mr. Jefferson tries to soothe him] Mr. Jefferson: No, Blanket, shhhh. Stop crying. It's okay, Blanket. Here, look. [spins around and does a pelvic thrust] Jeekabee durtah! [a kick and outstretched arm] Ow! [Blanket returns to crying into his teddy bear, Mr. Jefferson goes to soothe him again] There, Blanket, shhhh. [tries to distract Blanket] Hey, hey look, hey look. [touches Blanket's nose and has his thumb pop out between index and middle finger] I got your nose. [does it again.] Look! Lookit, I got your nose. I got your nose, Blanket. See? [Does it again, and Blanket is quiet. He then smiles and grabs at his father's nose, giggling... and finds it in his hand] Blanket: Aaaaaaaa! [throws it away and runs out of his bedroom] Mr. Jefferson: No, Blanket, stop! [picks up his nose, puts it back in place, and pursues Blanket] It's ignorant. You're being ignorant! [The Sergeant's house, later. He enters. A woman appears moments later.] Woman: Harrison, why haven't you called? You know how I worry. Yeats: I'm givin' up, Maggie. I'm quitting the force. [removes his jacket, and places it on a coat rack, then walks to a desk] Maggie: Quitting the force? You? Yeats: None of it makes sense anymore. [sits down and unloads his frustrations] I don't even know if what we're doing is right. The last thirteen hours we've been working on a case, trying to get a real scumbag off the streets. And when he walked up to the door, I could have sworn he was white. Maybe I can't tell the difference anymore. Maybe it doesn't matter. Because it seems like every time we frame a rich black guy, he's back out on the streets in no time. It's just like OJ. Do you know how hard those cops worked to frame him? The tireless hours they put in?? And then he just gets off because somebody messed up and said the N word out loud too many times. I guess I'm just tired. I'm jast damn tired. Maggie: [approaches and consoles him] Not another word of that kind of talk, Harrison Yeats. [he looks up at her] Believe me I would love nothin' more than to have you quit the force and no longer have to worry about whether or not you're comin' home. But I know you. Framin' rich black men for crimes they didn't commit is in your blood. Wipin' that rich, smug smile off their faces is the only thing that puts a smile on yours. You're a good cop, Harrsion Yeats. You don't have to question that. Because I'm here to tell you. [she caresses him, he kisses her hand] Yeats: And you're a good wife, Maggie. You know me better than I know myself. [abruptly rises and goes to the coat rack] Maggie: Where're you goin'? Yeats: Think I've got a little more work to do. [puts on his coat and heads outside] [The Jefferson house, night. Cartman walks up to the door and knocks] Cartman: Mr. Jefferson? It's your best friend in the whole wide world, Eric Cartman. Mr. Jefferson? I came to sleep over tonight, remember? [Mr. Jefferson room. He's on the phone with someone.] Mr. Jefferson: No, Dr. Nelson, I'm telling you, you have to fly out here right now! My nose came off again! [tosses his nose away, puts more lipstick on his lips] I know you live in California; I'll pay for your plane ticket! [pulls at his hair, and some of it comes off] But I'm falling apart! I need some more of that cream and the injections! I have to look young again! [picks up a stylus and pokes his lips, which pop and let fly some collagen. The skin on his lower jaw drops down and reveals some teeth.] Oh, I'm melting! [The Jefferson house, outside. A ladder is propped up against the side of the house. Kyle, Stan, and another boy approach. The boy wears the same mask Blanket usually does.] Kyle: All right. Thanks a lot for helping us, dude. Kenny: Yeah, sure, whatever. [a quick glance at his hair as he faces the camera confirms that this is Kenny] Stan: You just gotta pretend you're Blanket until we can get the real Blanket somewhere safe. Kenny: Aren't I too big to be Blanket? Kyle: [seething as he climbs the ladder] I don't think Mr. Jefferson pays enough attention to his son to notice. Come on! [Stan and Kenny follow] [Blanket's bedroom. Blanket silently cries and the door creaks open] Stan: Blanket, you in here? Blanket: [excited] Hi guys! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny spread out and hop onto Blanket's bed] Kyle: Shh, Blanket, we're gonna take you away for a little while, okay? [Kenny looks around] Blanket: You are? Oh thank you thank you thank you! [Kyle whisks Blanket away, Stan motions Kenny into place.] Stan: All right dude, get in his bed. Kenny: [gets under the covers] All right, but you guys owe me for this. Stan: Dude, whatever. At least you finally get to do something. [hops off and leaves] [Santa Barbara Police Department, Snetzl's desk. His phone rings and he picks up] Snetzl: Santa Barbara Police Department, this is Snetzl. [Park County Police Department, Yeats' desk.] Yeats: Hello, this is Sergeant Yeats over at the Park County Police Department in Colorado. Snetzl: Yes, sergeant. What can I do for you? Yeats: Well, we've been trying to frame this guy who just moved into our town, and the fil-o-fax says he moved from yoru area. One Martin Jefferson? Snetzl: Hm. No, we never had a any rich African-Americans named Jefferson here. If we had, we would have framed him ourselves. Yeats: Well, he doesn't really look that black. Snetzl: Yeah, I don't uh... Hold on a second. There was oine we framed a couple of times, but the black bastard was so rich he made bail and disappeared before the trial. Yeats: You say he disappeared? What did you frame him for? Snetzl: We uhhh found some kids that had stayed over at his place, and we asked them to lie and make up some false molestation charges. Yeats: Molestation, nice. Snetzl: Yeah, it was a lot of work. Took years, but we were finally able to arrest him. Then we planted some evidence, took embarassing photos of his penis, and threw him in a dirty prison cell with doodie feces on the walls. You should have seen him squirm! Yeats: That's damn fine police work, sergeant. Damn fine. Snetzl: Heh yeah, but the point is this guy didn't really look black either. We had to sneak in while he was asleep and get a DNA sample to be sure. Yeats: [rises from his chair. Other officers draw near] Jesus Christ Monkeyballs! It must be the same guy! [The Jefferson house. Cartman knocks on the front door again] Cartman: Mr. Jefferson, hello?? [The bathroom. Stan, Kyle, and Blanket prepare a carry-on bag.] Kyle: Come on, Blanket! We gotta go before your dad sees us. [they turn towards the window next to the tub and head to it. Mr. Jefferson appears behind them] Mr. Jefferson: What are you doing with my Blanket? [the boys freeze. Kyle turns around and sees a disjointed, disheveled Jefferson in a Thriller outfit. The camera does a vertigo effect. Mr. Jefferson walks up to the boys.] Come on, Blanket, play with me. Jeechabee durtah! Hee! [an outstretched arm] Stan, Kyle, Blanket: HAAAAA! Stan: Go go RUUN! [the boys run out of the bathroom] Mr. Jefferson: [whispers as he walks] Sutah! [The Hallway. The boys run towards the stairs] Stan, Kyle, Blanket: HAAAAA! Mr. Jefferson: [rounds a corner onto the hallway] Wuchatennah! Jamonah! Heehee! Stan: [The boys enter Blanket's room] Oh Jesus! Kenny: What the hell is going on, you guys? Mr. Jefferson: [enters and heads for Blanket's bed] My Blanket! Let's play, Blanket! [pulls Kenny out of the bed] Kenny: Nonono wait, I'm not Blanket! Mr. Jefferson: [tossing Kenny up into the air] Wee, he can fly! He can fly! Kenny: Aaaah! Aaaah, stop! A- [his head goes through the ceiling and blood runs down his body. It begins to drip from his feet] Stan: Oh my God, they k*lled Kenny! Kyle: You bastard! [Mr. Jefferson turns around and sees the boys] Mr. Jefferson: Blanket? Blanket! Come play! [slowly approaches the boys] Blanket: Nooo! [Stan turns to leave] Kyle: [grabs Blanket's hand and leaves as well] Come on! [The Jefferson house, front lawn. Kyle opens the front door and the boys exit] Stan: Run Blanket Run! Blanket: [stumbles] Ah! Mr. Jefferson: [exits] Dainduh! Dainduh Dainduh! Kyle: [he and Stan help Blanket up] Hang on, Blanket! [the three run off and a floodlight turns on, blinding Mr. Jefferson] Mr. Jefferson: [shielding his eyes] Dugh! Heehee! Ja-! Yeats: [through his bullhorn] Freeze, Jefferson! The gig is up! You are wanted for child mo-les-tation! Cartman: [hops to Mr. Jefferson's defense, standing in front of him] No! I am sick and tired of people harassing Mr. Jefferson! [a crowd, including the boys' parents, gathers] All I've been hearing since Mr. Jefferson moved here are sick lies! That he molests children, that he's a bad father, that he has plastic surgery! Mr. Jefferson: It's ignorant. [his lower jaw literally drops to the ground. He bends down, picks it up, and pops it back in place] Cartman: Sure, maybe Mr. Jefferson's a little different. But that's because he had to work all the time when he was young and missed out on his childhood. What's wrong with wanting to have the innocence and beauty of a child. Kyle: [returns with Blanket] All right, let's just say all the bad things said about Mr. Jefferson are lies! Let's say the police department does just go around spending their time framing people for crimes they didn't commit! [a sh*t of Yeats, Harris, and other officers] Let's say it's all made up, and Mr. Jefferson is just a nice guy who's trying to be a child because he never got to have a childhood. Well that's fine, except for that he HAS children now! And when people have children, they have to grow up! Mr. Jefferson: [closeup for a few seconds] You're right. I've been so obsessed with my childhood that I've forgotten about his. I thought having lots of rides and toys was enough, but... Blanket doesn't need a playmate. He needs a father, and a normal life. Chickuckoo gainuh. [genuflects behind Blanket] Blanket, I wanna give away all my money. I I wanna get a normal job and... take a sh*t at raising you in a normal setting. [removes the ornate mask, and Blanket blinks while shielding his eyes. Blanket moves over to his friends] Blanket: Look everybody! I'm a normal little boy. Yeats: [approaches with Harris] Well, if you're gonna give away all your money, then, I guess we can drop all those charges. No point in putting another poor black man in jail. Kyle: All right! Things just might work out! Mr. Jefferson: Things can always work out, as long as we know we have the power to change. [music begins to play as the neighbors and officers gather round him] We all have the power to change if we search inside our hearts And we start to heal the wounds of all our yesterdays And you know it might be hard, but all you've got to do is start, And you can change all of your evil molesting ways. Jejabee durtah! [End of The Jeffersons.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "08x06 - The Jeffersons"}

foreverdreaming

[Interstate 285 looking north, twilight fading to night. There are two lanes on either side of the highway, with a grass median in between. A Snacky Cakes truck rolls by. Tumbleweeds begin to roll. A few seconds later, the highway sign begins to shake violently and then crackle with lightning. The camera pans to the right and more lightning is seen until a sphere of energy with a doorway appears. More tumbleweeds roll by. A flash of light follows, and an alien steps forth from the sphere. He looks around and mumbles something. He walks towards the highway, looking around all the while. A car comes up quick on him and he freezes in the headlights for a while, then jumps out of the way as a Busy Beavers Moving Company truck barrels past him. A car comes up on him on the other side of the highway. He gets up quickly and steps out of the way. Traffic picks up and the alien dodges all the vehicles until a car almost runs him over. The car brakes and tips him over.] [South Park, next day. The boys approach a house, which has more snow on it than usual in South Park, especially along the windows. Indeed, looks like the town has just had a snow storm overnight. Each of the boys carries a shovel. Stan rings the bell. A woman answers.] Woman: Yes? Cartman: [sweetly] Hel-lo ma'am. We're going around town and offering snow-shoveling service. Would you like your driveway and sidewalk shoveled for eight thousand dollars? Woman: Oh well, I certainly could use some little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand dollars seems a little steep. How about ten dollars? Cartman: Ooo, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of that tight grip you have on my balls! Ten dollars, you're breaking my balls, ma'am! Woman: How about fifteen dollars? Cartman: It's a deal! All right, guys, let's get to work! [moments later, Stan and Kyle are clearing the driveway while Kenny clears the front lawn, moving by Cartman, who is now seated on the steps talking on a cell phone] Yeah, it's so totally awesome. Craig crapped his pants when he saw it. Yeah, sweet. So what's goin' on over there? Yeah, that's pretty cool. [Kyle walks up to him and stops] No way! He did not! Aw dude, that is so weak. [notices Kyle, then lowers the phone] What? Kyle: You've been on your f*cking phone since we started! Cartman: Dude, I'm takin' a break. Kyle: A break from what?! You haven't done anything! Cartman: Kyle, how many times do we have to go through this? I'm the negotiator. I negotiate our price with the customers. Kyle: All you ever do is talk about your balls! Cartman: It works, doesn't it? Did I not just get us an extra five bucks? Kyle: If you want your share of the money, then you're gonna shovel snow like the rest of us! Cartman: Hey! Don't boss me around, you f*ck' Jew! I will kick your ass! [Moments later the doorbell rings again. This time the camera is in the house looking at the door from an angle. The woman approaches and opens the door. The boys are shown, with Cartman keeping his now-bloody nose from oozing any more blood] Stan: Ma'am, do you have a rag and some bandages? Woman: Oh goodness, what happened? Cartman: Shoveling accident. Woman: Oooh no, come on inside. [leads them in and stops in the middle of the living room, in front of the TV. A newscast is on] Wait right here, I'll be right back. [walks off] Cartman: You're so lucky I have a... sore shoulder, Kyle, or I'd totally let you have it. Stan: Cartman, just keep your mouth shut. News Announcer: This is breaking news. Here's Anchorman Aaron Brown. [the boys turn to watch] Aaron Brown: [CNN anchor. An image of an alien is shown, with the caption "Guest from the Future" above it] Incredible, absolutely amazing news today. A man from the future has come back in time and is in a government hospital after being h*t by a car. Stan: Whoa. Aaron Brown: Christina Naylon has more. Christina Naylon: [soldiers patrol the area around Hangar 18] The news is incredible, Aaron. Experts and scientists have been with the man from the future for several hours now, and have been able to learn that he is from the year 3045. His condition is s*ab, and speculation continues as to why he has come. Has he come to deliver a cure for cancer? Or to fix something wrong with the past? Aaron Brown: Have to interrupt you there, Christina. Apparently, Brad Morgan is inside the base with breaking news. Brad? Brad Morgan: [inside the base. Scientists and soldiers mill around the alien's bed] Aaron, the scientists have been able to communicate further and have uncovered that the man from one thousand years in the future has come to our time... looking for work. Now, uh he has said that the future is so overwhelmingly overpopulated that there are simply no jobs in his time, and so he built a time portal and has come back to 21st century America, uh to find a job here. Aaron Brown: Heheh, it's absolutely astounding. He came back here for work? Brad Morgan: Huh... that's right, Aaron. Hi-his plan is to get a job here, in our time, so that he can put the money he earns into a savings account, uh, which will earn interest, and by the year 3045 be worth billions of dollars, uh which of course in the future will be worth only hundres of dollars, but uh enough, he says, to feed his family. Aaron Brown: And now I understand we're going to Harrison Moore, uh, for an explanation on how the time portal works. Harrison? Harrison Moore: [at the time portal. News vans, reporters and scientists, one in a space suit, gather around and marvel at the portal] Aaron, I'm standing at the time border which scientists say follow Terminator rules. That is, it's one way only and you can't go back. This is in contrast, say, to Back To The Future rules, where back and forth is possible, and of course, Timerider rules, which are just plain silly. Anyway, it appears that the man from the future is here to stay. [Later, Stan returns home. He enters with his shovel] Stan: Mom, Dad! Did you see? They found a man from the future! Randy: We know, Stanley. We've been watching. Aaron Brown: If you're just joining us, a man from over two thousand years into the future has come through a one-way time portal looking for work. Uh, the President is expected to give an announcement at any time. Harrison Moore: Breaking news here at the time portal, Aaron. It appears that another person from the future has just arrived! [the camera pans right to show a HazMat team checking the person for radiation] It looks as if the job at Wendy's did work for the original immigrant; this second arrivee claims that man's family is now much better off, and wishes the same for his family. [Stan's house, night. Sharon puts Stan to bed and tucks him in.] Sharon: There you go. All set, sweetie? Stan: Mom, can we go try to see the people from the future? I have a bunch of questions I wanna ask 'em. Sharon: I'm sure a lot of people do, hon. It's pretty exciting, isn't it? Now, you just get some sleep. [turns off Stan's lamp] You've had a busy day. [walks off. At the door she turns and looks at him] Goodnight, sweetie. Stan: Night, Mom. [after she leaves, he puts his arms up and behind his head and smiles] Wow, two people from the future. How cool. [Interstate 285 looking north, twilight fading to night. The highway sign begins to shake violently and then crackle with lightning. The camera pans to the right and more lightning is seen until it reaches the portal. A flash of light follows, and an alien steps forth from the sphere. Another flash brings forth another alien. Another flash brings forth a third alien. Another flash brings forth his wife, another flash brings forth their daughter, and another flash brings forth their son. Another flash brings forth another alien. They head for the highway, which is busy now. They all make their way across, avoiding being struck as they cross the lanes] [South Park, day. The boys once agani make their rounds as shovelers and stop at a house. Stan rings the doorbell, the door opens, and a different woman greets them] Woman 2: Yes? Stan: Hello, Mrs. Landis. Would you like snow-shoveling service again today? Mrs. Landis: Ooo, oh dear, I'm sorry boys, but I've already hired someone else to do it. Cartman: What?? Who?? Mrs. Landis: One of those immigrants from the future. He said he would do it for twenty-five cents. Kyle: Twenty-five cents? Well that's not even worth it. Stan: All right guys, come on. Let's go to the next house. [the boys turn to go back to the sidewalk...] Kyle: Dude. [the camera pulls back to show these immigrants shoveling snow off sidewalks and driveways up and down the street] Stan: [softly] Son of a bitch! [CNN News Brief. An image of a family from the future is shown, with the caption above reading "Time Immigrants"] Aaron Brown: Still more immigrants from the future arrived at the time border today, some even bringing their entire families. the purplish goo that they have on their bodies when they arrive is an ectoplasmic side effect of the time-travel process. This is all giving scientists a great opportunity to learn even more about American life in the future. Chris Holt joins us now. Chris? Chris Holt: [seated to Brown's left] Yes, there are incredible things we're learning about Americans in the future, Aaron. Eh it appears that in the future, Americans have evolved into a hairless uniform mix of all races. They are all one color, which is a yellowy light-brownish whitish color. Uh it seems race is no longer an issue in the future, because all ethnicities have mixed into one. Perhaps most interesting is how this has affected their language. The people in the future speak a complete mix of English, Chinese, Turkish and, indeed, all world languages, which sounds something like this: [makes three guttural sounds] Back to you, Aaron. Aaron Brown: Apparently the people from the future are having a pretty easy time finding work. Since they offer to work for such low wages, they're being hired all over America. [A meeting has assembled somewhere. Two flags hang from the back of the meeting room, one of them American, the other of Colorado. Men from all walks of life argue amongst themselves] Man 1: [left side, front row] This is bullcrap! I ain't standin' for this! Man 2: [at the podium] All right, folks, my name is Darryl Weathers and I'm with the Construction Workers' Union. I work with a lot of fine men who have families to feed. Now I don't know about you all, but we worked long and hard to get our pay up to a level where we could make a decent living. And now these people from the future are showin' up and offerin' to do the same work for next to nothin'! They took our jobs!! [the audience, which is unemployed, clamors in agreement] Man 3: [rises, wears dark blue short-sleeve shirt, black pants] We're in the moving business! Fourteen years we've been workin' our butts off! Now these future folk come in and we can't get work nowhere! They took our jobs! Man 4: They took your jobs! [the rest of the audience clamors] Man 5: Well what about us in the fast-food business?! The restaurants are f*ring us 'cause the future people work for a lot less! They took our jobs!! Other Men: [at random times] They took your jobs! Stan: [pipes up] It's affecting kids too! Me and my friends started our own snow-shoveling business. We were trying to be responsible and make money, you know? But then the people came along and, and now we're out of work too! [silence] Oh, they took our jobs!! Other Men: [at random times] They took yer jobs!! [Interstate 285 looking north, twilight fading to night. The highway sign is shown, but the camera pulls back to show a new CAUTION sign showing an entire family crossing. The signs begin to sway back and forth violently and crackle with lightning. The portal is shown, but now it expands so the people from the future swarm into the present en masse.] [South Park, night. At Stan's house, Rand and Sharion are at the sofa reading. Sharon reads a book, Randy reads the paper. Stan enters from the front. Sharon spots him] Sharon: Stanley, it's almost eight o'clock. Where have you been? Stan: I was at a rally to protest all the immigrants from the future coming in and tryin' tuh- [an immigrant descends the stairs with a basket of dirty clothes and stops to ask Sharon something using guttural sounds] Sharon: Oh yes, the laundry machine is down in the basement and our son is home. Could you please set the table for dinner? [the immigrant makes some guttural sounds and walks away] Stan: [leery] Who is that? Randy: That's our new housekeeper, Mrs. [guttural] Gruhd. She's gonna help around the house on Tuesdays and Thursdays. [aside] And she'll do it for ten cents an hour. Stan: Oh, but that's the problem! Those goobacks are taking our jobs! Sharon: What?? Randy: Oh my God! [he and Sharon rise, Stan backs away a bit] Stan Marsh, how dare you use that time-bashing slur?! Sharon: Who taught you to talk like that?! Stan: Well dude, they are taking people's jobs away. Randy: They're only taking the small menial jobs that nobody else really wants to do. Stan: I wanted my job! Randy: Hey, Stanley, you need to understand something: Those people from the future have had a hard life! Where they come from is dirty and overpopulated and poor! You can't even imagine the kind of depression they come from! So for us, who have everything sooo good, to judge them, is wrong! Do you understand?! Next time you think about calling them goobacks, you might just wanna stop for a second and think about how crappy the future really is! Sharon: That's right! We're not raising our son to be an ignorant timecist. Stan: Timecist? Sharon: You know, a r*cist, but against people from the- Stan: People from the future. Right, got it. Randy: All right, good. Now, let's all go eat some of Mrs. Gruhd's great future cooking. [The O'Reilly Factor] Announcer: And now, here is Bill O'- Reilly. Bill O'Reilly: [neutral, sober] Welcome welcome to the No-Spin Zone, all right? And what we're talkin' about today are the immigrants from the future. All right? Now, most people are more than happy to give a helping hand to these people who obviously need it. All right? But others are starting to say that the time portal should be closed off. All right? Now, I've got two guests with me tonight who have opposing views on the matter. On my right is pissed-off white-trash redneck conservative. Darryl Weathers: Thanks for having me, Bill. Bill O'Reilly: And on my left is aging hippie liberal douche. Douche: Hello. Bill O'Reilly: Now, pissed-off redneck, you say we shouldn't allow anyone else through the time portal, aright? Darryl Weathers: You're Goddamned right! These people from the future are takin' all the work away from us decent present-day Americans! [leans in and low and almost grunts] They took our jobs! Skynard Man: They took our jobs! Darryl Weathers: Those jobs belong to people from the present! Bill O'Reilly: Aright. What say you, aging hippie liberal douche Douche: Heh it's typical for conservatives rednecks like these to view the immigrants as the problem, heh, but really, the problem is America. It is our greedy multinational corporations that keep everyone else in poverty. Your ancestors came to America as immigrants. What right do you have to turn these people away? Bill O'Reilly: Aright, redneck, your rebuttal? Darryl Weathers: [says nothing, then rises, leans forward and low, and almost grunts] They took our jobs! Skynard Man: They took our jobs! Stout Man: [really slurring] Too-kourderb! [South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings and the students are in their seats. So are a lot of new immigrant students] Mr. Garrison: All right, children, the school board has mandated that I must now teach class in both present-day English and Futurespeak. Kyle: What?! Mr. Garrison: So, with that in mind, let's continue our lessons on verbs. Remember that there are transitive verbs such as [writes on the board] "The boy threw the red ball," which in Futurespeak of course, is [makes a sentence of grunts and guttural sounds] Everyone say it with me? [the kids repeat the sentence, which sounds like a series of barks, coming from them. Timmy attempts it] Aaand there are intransitive verbs, such as [writes on the board] "The 11:15 bus from Denver arrived twelve hours late." Or in Futurespeak, "Vvut." The Kids: "Vvut." Kyle: Dude, hold on! This is bullcrap! If they wanna live in our time, then they should learn our language! Craig: Yeah! Stan: That's right! [other students speak up] Douche: [steps in] Hey now, these immigrants have a right to retain their culture. Who are we to say our language is best? They deserve to have an education just as much as you do. Mr. Garrison: Thank you, aging hippie liberal douche. Douche: You betcha. [steps out] Timmy: Timmih. Mr. Garrison: Okay, now let's get back to it, kids. What kind of verb is this? [writes on the board] "The sad girl puts balls in her mouth." Or, in Futurespeak of course, "Gluch gligh balls glych gligh." [Back at the meeting room, the unemployed men gather for another rally against the immigrants from the future.] Man A: This is bullcrap! Darryl Weathers: Listen up, everybody! We've just received a reply from our congressman. [unfurls a letter] "Dear intolerant rednecks, we sympathize with you all losing your jobs. However, we feel your solution of sh**ting everyone who crosses the time border is inhumane." Man B: What? That's ridiculous! Man C: They can't do that! Man D: That was a good idea! Darryl Weathers: So it appears the government ain't gonna help us! Which means we gotta take matters into our own hands! The only way to stop people from the future is to stop the future from happening! Man 3: Hey that's right! If there is no future, then there'll be no people from the future to come back and take our jobs! Man 6: Take rjurbs Darryl Weathers: All right! So, any ideas how we can stop the future from happening? [pause] Chet: How about we cause more global warming, so that in the future, the polar ice caps melt, and and it ushers in a new ice age? Darryl Weathers: [pause] How the hell is global warming gonna cause an ice age?! Chet: Well you know, the... global warming could bring on like a climate shift or somethin'? Darryl Weathers: Chet, you are a f*ck' ret*rd, you know that?! Even if global warming were real, which all proven scientific data shows it isn't, it would take millions of years for a climate shift to happen! You think an ice age can just happen all of a sudden-like? Chet: Well I was just tryin' to be helpful. Darryl Weathers: Well help yourself to a f*ck' science book, 'cause you're talkin' like a f*ck' ret*rd! Now, come on people, we've got to think! Damnit, they took our jaorbs! Men: [randomly] They took our jobs! [South Park, day. The boys walk down the commercial district noticing immigrants from time to time. Various immigrants greet them and try to sell them fruits, but the boys walk on. A hovering futuristic car comes up next to them, sets down, and bounces the front end up and down like a lowrider. The driver then activates the hydraulics and the car begins to dance. The boys just look in wonder as the car settles down and then moves off. Its exhaust hits the boys' faces and they cough. Next, the boys head for a Wendell's Burgers restaurant. They enter and head for the counter] Kyle: Aw, dude. [the boys see that the restaurant is staffed by immigrants from the future. One of them approaches to take an order] Cashier: Gaur da'ka? Stan: Can you speak in present-day English please? Cashier: Uh oh... Can I help... you? Stan: Uh yeah, I want a double cheeseburger and fries. Cashier: [looks at the boys quizzically, then shows off the chicken sandwich to his left] Chicken sandwich? Stan: [getting annoyed] No, a double cheeseburger and fries! Cashier: [taps away at the machine's keyboard] A cheeg- fry? Stan: What?! Cashier: A cheeg- fry? Cartman: We can't understand you, assh*le! [the cashier's manager comes up and talks to him for a bit. The cashier points at the boys. The manager takes over and resets the order] Manager: Can I help you? Stan: I'm trying to order a double cheeseburger! Manager: [shows off the chicken sandwich to his left] Chicken sandwich? Stan: No, it's not a chicken sandwich! [his parents enter the restaurant and stand in line behind him and the boys] I want a Goddamned cheeseburger and some Goddamned fries you f*cking goobacks! Randy: Stan Marsh! Stan: Aw-awwww. [Back at the rally...] Darryl Weathers: Come on, people, think! How are we gonna stop these immigrants from takin' our jobs! Man 3: Hey, I got an idea. Uh maybe we should all take off all our clothes, scramble into a big pile and start gettin' gay with each other. Chet: Did you say "get gay"? Darryl Weathers: Hey yeah. Well that's not a bad idea! Man 7: What? Gettin' gay? Darryl Weathers: Think about it: These people are from the future, right? Well, if we can git everyone to turn q*eer, then there won't be no children to have no children, and the people from the future won't exist to take our jobs! Jimbo: I ain't turnin' q*eer. Darryl Weathers: You have to, Jimbo, or else we won't be able to stop them! They too 'r jaobs! Man 2: Yeah, they took our jobs! Man 8: [slurring] Took our jobs! Darryl Weathers: [begins to take off his clothes till he's in briefs and boots] Let's go over to that part of town that all the future people moved into and start humpin' each other until they disappear! Come on! [comes down from the podium and makes his way to the doors. His briefs fall off, and he turns around] Come on! You want your jobs back or not?! [turns around, walks out and turns right] [Welcome to Little Future. This part of South Park is congested and built upwards. Parts of it are rundown. The drivers there all drive hovercars. Some kids dance around on a stoop as adults walk by] Darryl Weathers: [appears with the other rally participants, all of them naked] All right, you future bastards! Think you can take our jubs?! Well, we'll show you! Come'ere, Earl!. [the burly man wearing the Skynard hat steps forth and starts making out with Weathers] How do you like that, gooback?! [the immigrants just stare back puzzled. Weathers addresses the rest of his peers] Come on, you guys! [the other men just stare for a while, then begin to make out as well. The immigrants just look at them.] Everyone who believes in America, join in with us! We're gonna make these future bastards nonexistent! [South Park Center for Seismic Activity. Randy arrives for work with Stan in tow] Stan: Aw, come on, Dad! How come I have to go to work with you? Randy: Because you're being grounded, Stanley! Now I don't wanna hear another word out of your intolerant mouth! [Randy opens the door and they both go inside. The office walls are now brown instead of gray. Randy closes the door and motions Stanley to a chair behnd it] You just sit right there, Stanley, and you thnk about what you've done! [puts his coat on the coat rack and sits at his desk to begin his day] Boss: You'll find all the copiers and printers in the next room over and then uh- Randy: Hey, Mr. Nelson. Mr. Nelson: Oh... R-Randy... Uh I'm surprised to see you here. Randy: Why? This is my office. Mr. Nelson: Ooohh boy, didn't you get my phone message? Ooo, this is awkward. Well, the thing is, Randy, you've been- replaced. Randy: What? Mr. Nelson: Well we found an immigrant from the future who knows geology and he offered to work for next to nothing. Uh, this is Mr. Glughgogawk. Mr. Glughgogawk: Gheglo. Randy: You can't be serious. Mr. Nelson: I'm... sssorry, Randy. It's just, with all the budget cuts and all, we'll give you some tmie to clean out your desk. Follow me, Mr. Glughgogawk. I'll show you to the copy room. [walks away with the immigrant. Randy is left alone to contemplate his next move] Randy: Oh my God. They took my jarb!! Stan: They took yer jarb!! [CNN Breaking News] Announcer: This is CNN. Aaron Brown: Breaking news at the time border. We go now live to Harrison Moore. Harrison Moore: Aaron, I'm standing at the time border where some kind of mass protest has broken out. [more immigrants enter through the portal] Hundreds of men who have lost their jobs to time immigrants are here having sex with one another. [a sh*t of all the men in a big pile, in all sorts of positions, as news crews film them] These men have apparently sucked and screwed their way across the state and are now here at the time border trying to get national attention. These unemployed men have been having sex for several days. Joining me is their spokesperson, Randy Marsh. [Randy steps into view, patting his moustache down] Mr. Marsh, what exactly are you trying to accomplish? Randy: We're doing the only thing we can do. If our government is just gonna let anybody into our time who wants to come, then we have to take matters into our own hands. [another camera view shows Stan next to his father. Stan tries to block out this interview with eyes shut tight and his fingers on his nose] We're trying to turn everyone gay so that there are no future humans! Present-day America Number One! Darryl Weathers: Yeah America! [A close-up of the mass of men fornicating with each other] Man 8: Take our jobs! Harrison Moore: Do you really think you can get enough people to turn gay to destroy the future of humanity? Randy: All we can do is try, Harrison. Douche: [walks into the picture] Trying to stop immigration is intolerant and ignorant. Those immigrants have a right to pursue happiness. Harrison Moore: [lowers the mic to Stan] Young man, what do you think about all this? Stan: I I think it's wrong to call them goobacks because they're no different from us. [loosens up and opens his eyes] They're just humans trying to make their lives better. Look, it sucks that the immigrants' time is so crappy, but the cold hard truth is that if we let them all come back to our time, then it's just gonna make our time crappy too. Maybe the answer isn't trying to stop the future from happening, but making the future better. [the mound of men stops copulating] Man 9: [at the top of the mound] Huh? Stan: I mean, maybe if we all commit right now to working toward a better future, then, then the future won't be so bad, and, these immigrants won't need to come back here looking for work. Man 10: [inside the mound] Hey. He's right. If we build for a better future, the immigrants will stay there. Man 11: Yeah. We've got to start working towards a brighter tomorrow. Randy: Well what are we waiting for? [Montage of green living. First scene is a group of men planting trees. Next scene is a group of people at a recycling center watching Mr. Garrison toss in his bag of spent aluminum cans. Mr. sl*ve then tosses in his load. Next scene has the boys, Randy, and Weathers bringing food to African tribesmen. Next scene has the boys helping Randy and Weathers paint a wooden fence white. Next scene is a newly-minted wind farm in South Park made by the townspeople. Stan and Shelley look at each other, smiling. Next scene has Weathers plugging his electric car into an outlet next to the garage door as others watch. Next scene has Stan bringing a gift to the towm bum. A bunch of adults follow him proudly. Next scene has some of the kids and many of the adults swaying gently to some music] Singer: We've got to work for a better future, we've got to join hands for tomorrow. Take the first step and you will see the future begins with you and me. We can start to make a difference if we want it for our children Recycle that can and plant that tree, 'cause the future begins with you and me. Cartman: Look, it's working! [one by one, the immigrants vanish from view] Singer: The future begins with you and me. Darryl Weathers: The immigrants are fadin' away! Stan: We're doing it! [Next scene shows the townfolk cleaning up a meadow. Next scene has the Marshes watching Weathers and an assistant install solar panels on the Marshes' roof. Last scene has the townsfolk tilling ground at a farm] Singer: We've got to work for a better future, we've got to join hands for tomorrow. Take the first step and you will see the future- Stan: Dude, wait wait ho, hold on. Wait a second. [drops his shovel] This is gay. Kyle: [drops his shovel] This is really gay. Cartman: Yeah, this is even gayer than all the men getting in a big pile and having sex with each other. Stan: Okay, sorry, my bad, e-everyone back in the pile. [everyone races back to the pile. The men take off their clothes, the boys don't] Darryl Weathers: Back in the pile everyone! Randy: We're going back to the pile. Man 12: Jump in! Man 13: Come on, everybody! Man 14: Never mind, we're going back to the pile! Man 15: Took ur jurb! [End of Goobacks.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "08x07 - Goodbacks"}

foreverdreaming

[South Park Elementary, day. Grass shows up around the edges of the snow-covered lawns and around the flagpole.] [The school gym. Six cheerleaders, all fourth-graders, lead a Pep Rally '04.] Cheerleaders: We are South Park, Green and White. Let's go, Cows! Fight fight fight! Nobody can b*at a Cow! Let's gooo, South Park! [in the audience, Cartman yawns.] Red: Hey, South Park! Do you have school spirit? Students: [all grades] Moooooooo! Bebe: I think us Cows have the best school spirit. Huh, Mandy? Mandy: [new fourth grader, with a lisp or braces] Yeah, and South Park is really gonna stick it to Littleton next week! Bebe: Let's bring out our mascot and get this pep rally going! [an adult in a cow suit comes out, waves to the kids, then begins to dance.] Butters: It's Billy! Uh, Billy will wave for me! Wave for me, Billy! [Cartman scoffs at him. As the cow dances, PETA bursts in through the double doors and rushes towards the cheefleaders. They apprehend the cow and begin beating him up, then pulling his head off] Blonde PETA woman: [through her megaphone] We are People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals! We protest your insensitive use of cows as your school mascot! Mr. Garrison: Oh Jesus, not PETA again. Dreadlocked PETA man: [approaches Bebe] Culled or maimed and slaughtered and used as a commodity! [throws a bucket of fake blood on Bebe. Other PETA members go after the rest of the cheerleaders] Blond PETA man: [showing old slaughterhouse scenes on how to prepare beef] This is unfair to the cows! This is your insensitivity! Students: EWWW! [a kindergartner begins to cry] Man wearing gas mask: The cow is a sl*ve! The cow is a commodity! To be thrown away by a society gone wrong! [Mr. Garrison's class, day. The class is seated] Mr. Garrison: All right, children, I have just been informed that since our school has been att*cked by eco-t*rrorists for the 47th time, we are going to change our school mascot. Class: AWWWWWWWWW!!! Stan: Buh, Mr. Garrision, if we change our mascot, that means the eco-t*rrorists win! Mr. Garrison: That's right, Stanley, the eco-t*rrorists win. [approaches the students with a stack of papers and begins distributing it] Now, I have here a mascot selection sheet. Every student is supposed to check the box next to the mascot they like the most. And the most popular selection will be the school's new mascot. Clyde: But we like being the Cows! [a bucket of fake blood is doused on him and the rest of the class gasps.] Dreadlocked PETA man: You're responsible for the enslavement and genocide of millions! Mr. Garrison: [taking action] Get, get outta here, PETA! We're changin' the mascot already! Dreadlocked PETA man: Who'll speak for those who cannot speak for themselves?? Mr. Garrison: [throws some papers at the PETA member] Go on, get, get outta here! [breaks out a can of mace and sprays it on him] Get, get out! [the man leaves] Jesus, where do they keep coming from?? [sprays some more for effect] Go on, get outta here. Stan: This is bullcrap, dude! Mr. Garrison: Now children, it's not that bad. There's plenty of great new mascots on the sheet to chose from. The Hurricanes, the Blizzards, the Redskins, the Indians... Wendy: But aren't Indians and Redskins just as offensive? Mr. Garrison: No, those are fine. PETA doesn't care about people. [The school hallway] Cartman: Goddamnit PETAns piss me off! We're never gonna end up with a stupid eagle or a f*g bobcat as a mascot. Kyle: Wait. You guys, I have an awesome idea! We should secretly go around and tell all the students we can to not check any of the mascots on this election sheet, and instead write in "Giant Douche." Cartman: Ye-heah! Kenny: (Yeah, totally awesome!) Cartman: Yeh- no, no, wait wait wait. I got a better idea you guys. What we should do is we should secretly go around and tell all the students we can to not check any of the mascots on this election sheet, and instead write in "Turd Sandwich." Kyle: Turd Sandwich isn't better than Giant Douche. Cartman: Heh, it's only about a thousand times better, am I right guys? Come on! We have to tell everybody fast! This is gonna be soo funny! Kyle: It was MY idea and we're gonna tell everyone to write in "Giant Douche!" It's way funnier! Cartman: IT IS NOT!!! Kyle: Kenny, what's funnier? A giant douche or a turd sandwich? Kenny: (Giant douche.) Cartman: Aw, you're just saying that because I broke your cat's leg last week. Kyle: Stan, do you pick giant douche or turd sandwich? Stan: Dude, I really don't care. [walks away] Kyle: [tallies the votes. Behind him, Butters approaches his locker and prepares to open it] That's two against one, 'cause Stan doesn't care. So it's giant douche. Cartman: [notices, then runs to Butters and pulls him towards the other boys] ...Wait wait, what about Butters? Butters: Huh? Kyle: You hate Butters. Cartman: Goddamnit you guys, Butters is our friend! And he's allowed to have his opinion! Butters, which is funnier? A stupid not-funny giant douche or a super funny turd sandwich? Butters: Hahaa, a turd sandwich! Kyle: You misled him, fatass! Cartman: It's the best choice, and me and Butters are sticking with it. Butters: [crosses his arms] Yeah! ...What's this for? [the boys approach Jimmy] Kyle: Jimmy, we're gonna have everyone write in a mascot that's really funny, and you have to tell us which one would be funnier.. Jimmy: That''s a... fantastic idea fellas. Uh, the key to successful humor is s- staying power. Uh tell me the first mascot idea. Kyle: A giant douche. Jimmy: Heh, huh okay, that's pretty funny. Now, what's the second? Cartman: A turd sandwich. Jimmy: Turhr... Ohokahay. Okay, now let's wait ten seconds. [ten seconds pass] Okay now, t-tell me the first one again? Kyle: Giant douche. Jimmy: [snickers] And the second? Cartman: Turd sandwich. Jimmy: [snickers] Gee, th-they're both screamingly funny, fellas. Uhhhbetter give it another ten seconds.[ten seconds pass] All right, now we'll see which one really has staying power. Number one? Kyle: A giant douche. Jimmy: [snickers] Okay, I think, that's it. Number 2? Cartman: Turd sandwich. Jimmy: [snickers] Gee, I don't know what to say, fellas. They're both instant classics. But I guess I'll have to go with giant douche, simply because the fact that it's a giant renders it useless, adding a parody slant to the satire. Cartman: AWWWW!! Butters: Ohhh, we lost? Kyle: All right, it's decided. Let's all write in "Giant Douche." Cartman: Okay. You win, Kyle. [The school gym. The students once again assembles on the bleachers. Mr. Garrison stands before the big-screen TV used in the rally earlier, and the TV reads "New School Mascot '04"] Mr. Garrison: Attention students, we have tallied your mascot nomination sheets, and there will now be a school-wide vote between the top two nominations. So here is the first most-requested candidate, a giant douche. [a giant douche steps out from behind the TV and begins dancing to 2 Unlimited's "Get ready for this."] Kyle, Kenny: Go giant douche! Giant Douche: Hey, South Park! Have we got school spirit?? [a smattering of applause] We've got spirit, yes we do! Giant douches, me and you! Let's gooooo, Douches! [a smaller smattering of applause] Mr. Garrison: And now your second nominee, Turd Sandwich. [a turd sandwich steps out from behind the TV and begins dancing to Baha Men's "Who Let The Dogs Out?"] Cartman: All right turd sandwich! Butters: Yeah! Kyle: Cartman? What the hell?? Cartman: Giant Douche sucks! Turd Sandwich: We've got spirit, yes we do! We are sandwiches filled with poo! Yeeaahhh! [a smattering of applause] Mr. Garrison: Students can now cast their choice between the Giant Douche and the Turd Sandwich. We'll count up the votes on Tuesday. Kyle: You won't get more votes than us, assh*le! Cartman: Dream on, Jew boy! Eric: Yeah, dream on, Jew boy! [looks at Cartman, smiles, and looks back at Kyle] [The front doors of the school. Stan and Kenny flank the entrance and hand out buttons as the other kids come out] Kyle: Be sure to vote for Giant Douche. Kenny: (Giant Douche! Vote for him!) Kyle: Giant Douche is your man! Stan: [exiting] Kyle, aren't you taking this a little too far? I mean, do we really want a giant douche to be our school mascot? Kyle: Dude, I'm not going to lose to Cartman's stupid turd sandwich. [something like an ice cream truck is heard, and Cartman appears driving his Big Wheels bike, pulling a portable stage. Butters is dancing on the stage, dressed as a Hawaiian hula dancer. In his hands he has leis to hand out.] Cartman: Vote for Turd Sandwich. This is the most important election of our lives. [Butters begins tossing out the leis, and kids step forth to get them. A man shows up as well, but gets nothing] Turd Sandwich brings us hope for change. A vote for Turd Sandwich is a Vote for Tomorrow! Kyle: There. Do you really want that assh*le to win? Stan: I'm not voting! Kyle: What? Y-you gotta vote, dude. Haven't you seen the Rock the Vote stuff or, or Puff Daddy's Vote or Die?? Stan: I just think this whole thing is stupid! [walks off angrily] Kyle: Kenny, we have got to make Stan understand the importance of voting, because he'll definitely vote for our guy. Kenny: (Yeah.) [The Marsh house, dinnertime. The family is gathered at table, with Grandpa at one end, Randy at the other. Sharon comes in with plates and the main course] Sharon: How was school today, Stanley? Stan: It was ridiculous. We have to have a new school mascot and we're supposed to vote between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. Sharon: ...What did you say? Randy: Did you just say that... voting is ridiculous? Stan: No, I think voting is great, but, if I have to choose between a douche and a turd, I just don't see the point. Randy: [clenches his fists] You don't see the point!! Oh you young people just make me sick! Sharon: Stanley, do you know how many people died so you could have the right to vote?! Stan: Mom, a-I just don't think there's much of a difference between a douche and a turd. I d-I don't care. Randy: [jumps upright and plants his hands on the table] You don't care?! You really want a turd sandwich as your school mascot?! On your football helmets?! A turd?! Sharon: Well, hold on, Randy, I think a turd sandwich is a little better than them having a giant douche on their uniforms. Randy: You're crazy!! A d-a douche is at least clean! Sharon: It's sexist is what it is! Randy: You don't understand the issues, Sharon! Sharon: Are you calling me ignorant?? Randy: You think the school mascot should be a turd sandwich? Well you're not exactly Einstein! Sharon: I am sick of you belittling my opinion, you son of a bitch! [picks up the casserole and chucks it at Randy, who ducks and looks back at her angrily. They both leave the table in opposite directions.] Shelley: [leaving the table as well] I hate this family, I hate it! [Stan looks on, shocked, while Grandpa continues eating unruffled. The door bell rings. Stan leaves the table and opens the front door. A black man is outside... with his posse] Stan: Puff Daddy? Puff Daddy: Your friend Kyle said you don't understand the importance of voting. Stan: I... Puff Daddy: Apparently you haven't heard of my "Vote or Die" campaign. [holds up a shirt with the slogan on it] Stan: "Vote or Die"? [upset] What the hell does that even mean?! Puff Daddy: [whips out a g*n from his back pocket, cocks it, and aims it at Stan] What you think it means, bitch! Stan: AAAAH!! [Music video. Stan is running down the street. An open-roof car pops up behind him and bears down on him] Posse: Vote or die, mother_, mother_er, vote or die! Puff Daddy: Rock the vote or else I'm gonna stick a Kn*fe through your eye. Posse: Democracy is founded on one simple rule! [Overhead sh*t of Puff Daddy, dressed in a white suit, then in a black suit.] Puff Daddy: Get out there and vote or I will mother__ k*ll you. Yeh. [at a polling station encouraging one female voter] Puff Daddy: I like it when you vote, bitch! (bitch!) Shake them titties when you vote, bitch! (bitch!) [seated as two women dance for him, their asses in his face] Puff Daddy: I slam my jimmy through your mouth roof (mouth roof) [gently spanks a woman as she goes in to vote] Puff Daddy: Now get your big ass in the pollin' booth. [Fish-eye overhead view of Puff Daddy. He shoves his g*n into the camera] Puff Daddy: I said vote, bitch, or I'll f_____ k*ll you! [Stan runs until he sees a passageway between two buildings. He does in to try to escape, but Puff Daddy and his crew find him] Posse: Vote or die, mother_, mother_, vote or die! Puff Daddy: You can't run from a .38, go ahead and try! [Puffy is seated in an armchair wearing a wig, surrounded by women, all in front of a Vegas-style sign saying "DIDDY"] Posse: Let your opinion be heard! You gotta make a choice [raps to a chrome reflection] Puff Daddy: 'Cause after I slit your throat you won't have a f____ voice [Stan runs again, looking behind him, but runs into a g*n in his face] Puff Daddy: 'Vote or die! Vote or die! [Puff Daddy's g*n is joined by the g*n of his posse. Stan is looking at five barrels] Stan: Okay. I'll vote. [Cartman and Butters begin door-to-door campaigning. Cartman knocks on a door and Clyde answers.] Cartman: [draws out the words, smiling] Hello, Clyde. Clyde: What do you guys want? Cartman: We were just wondering who you might be voting for, for the school's new mascot. Clyde: I haven't decided yet. Cartman: Oh really? Well that's interesting. You certainly should think about it and make the right decision. [pulls out a wrapped hard candy and shows it] Butterscotch candy? Clyde: [reaches out and grabs it] Sure. [opens it] Cartman: Clyde, are you aware of what Turd Sandwich can bring to our school? Butters: A turd sandwich is not only the first turd to be nominated school mascot, but even the first, sandwich. [Clyde bites into the candy, producing loud crunches] Cartman: You see, what Turd Sandwich brings to our school, Clyde, is a complete package. The turd and the coin. And the lettuce, and the olives. Butters: Whe-whereas Giant Douche is just, well, ju-just a, ju-ju-just a giant douche. Cartman: So, come voting day, you'll now most likely vote for the turd sandwich, yes? Clyde: [finishes the candy, then thinks for a few seconds] I'm still not totally sure. Cartman: Well then, perhaps we could interest you in [pulls out another wrapped candy] another butterscotch candy? [Clyde takes the candy and consumes that one as well] [South Park Elementary, now a polling station. A "Vote for School Mascot!" hangs on the back wall and over the hallway. A reluctant Kyle takes a ballot, and Kyle smiles, thinking he has Stan on his side] Kyle: You're doing the right thing, Stan. Don't you feel like you're a part of something now? Stan: I guess... [P Diddy and his posse look on from one end of the polling station, with P cocking his g*n] Kyle: Look, it may not seem important now, but your vote really does count, and we all have to do our part. Stan: Okay. [finishes up and seals his ballot, then walks away] Kyle: Look... wait, what are you doing? Stan: I'm voting. Kyle: No, no, you... you wrote down Turd Sandwich. Stan: Yeah, I know. Kyle: ...Dude, you're supposed to vote for Giant Douche. Stan: [annoyed] I thoght I was supposed to make my own decision. Kyle: Well yeah, but not if your decision is for Turd Sandwich! What the hell is wrong with you?! Stan: Wait a minute, you didn't want me to vote, you wanted me to vote for your guy! Kyle: Well, I just figured you'd vote for my guy! Who's f*ck' friend are you?! [calls out to] Puffy! Cartman: [interrrupts] Hey, f*ck off, Kyle. [aside, about Puffy and his crew] Don't let them intimidate you, Stan. I'll help walk you to the booth. And then I'm gonna buy you a niiice steak dinner with all the trimmings. Stan: Oh forget it! I'm not gonna be persuaded into voting and I'm and I'm not gonna be thr*at into voting if I don't feel comfortable with it! I'm not gonna vote and you can all just live with it! [The Principal's Office, later] Principal Victoria: We've simply had it with your son, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh. Voting just doesn't appear to be important to 'im. Randy: Stanley, when you left for school this morning, you said you were going to vote! Stan: The whole thing is a joke! Sharon: You see? He's out of control. It's nearly torn our whole family apart. Principal Victoria: Well, my hands are tied. We can no longer have Stan's behavior jeopardizing the other children. He must be removed. Randy: Ogh! Are you happy now, Stan? You just got yourself suspended! Principal Victoria: Nno, I'm afraid it's worse than that. By county law I'm bound to enforce the harshest punishment possible. Randy: Expulsion?? Principal Victoria: No. Banishment. Stan: B-bani-banishment? Principal Victoria: You can appeal to the city council, but I don't think it'll do any good. Your son must leave South Park, never to return. Sharon: [goes over to Randy and cries into his chest] Oh, Randy! Randy: Our son, banished. Where did we go wrong?? [cries on Sharon's shoulder] Stan: Ya... you're all joking, right? [A moonlit partly-cloudy night in South Park. The townsfolk are gathered at the edge of town, with Stan facing them all alone. A horse stands at the ready on one side of Main Street.] Mayor McDaniels: [steps forth and reads a proclamation] As it was in the times of our forefathers, so it is now. Stan Marsh, for not following our most sacred of rites, you are hereby banished from South Park for all eternity. Or until you decide that voting is important. Good-bye, Stan. May the gods treat you more kindly than we did. [the townsfolk step forth and begin ripping away at Stan's coat and shirt. Mr. Garrison is first: he rips off a piece of Stan's coat, spits on it, and throws it back at Stan. He leaves and Officer Barbady steps forth, repeating what Mr. Garrison did. Craig follows suit, then Kyle steps up] Kyle: Stan, don't you think this has gone far enough? Is it really that big a deal? [Stan sighs, but doesn't more] Yeah, just vote. For Giant Douche. Stan: I'm not voting! [Kyle then steps forth and repeats what the others did before him] A bodyguard: You, Puffy man, are we just gonna let this happen? [cocks his w*apon] We've gots to k*ll this non-votin' fool! Puff Daddy: No, Justacious, let him go. He won't survive a fortnight in the wilderness. [the adults tie Stan up on the horse backwards and send him off with supplies to tide him over for a while] Randy: This is breaking your mother's heart, Stan. She couldn't even help tie you to the horse. Stan: Dad, isn't this a little extreme? Randy: Jesus. I guess maybe you'll never understand how important voting is. [puts a pail over Stan's head] Goodbye, Stan. [stops for a few seconds, then swats the horse to get it moving. The horse walks off slowly. A man steps up with a horn and blows into it. Randy and Sharon stand together, embracing shoulders] That's... one of the hardest things a parent ever has to do. [A plain, night. Stan rides into the night and into the morning on the plain, then through a desert, then into a forest. A group of people appear and spot him] A man: Look! What is that? A woman: Oh, the poor thing! Stan: Hello? [the people gather round and remove the pail] A woman: Don't worry, we'll free you. A man: Just sit still for a moment. Stan: Oh thank God. A man: Get offa him, you filthy human! [they throw Stan off the horse. The pail rolls away. Stan looks back, confused, tufts of hair popping out through the holes on his torn cap. The people were apparently talking to the horse, not to him. The camera goes back to the horse, and the people are shown to be members of PETA. They're cleaning the horse up] Blonde: Poor thing needs water. Bearded Man: You'er safe now. Blonde: Shame on you, making this horse your sl*ve. [a balding man throws fake blood on Stan] Stan: Awww! Blonde: Come, you can live with us. Bearded Man: We will give you food and shelter. Stan: What about me? Bearded Man: OPEN THE GATE! [A pair of gates open up to the PETA compound. The members lead the horse in and Stan trails along. They approach whom looks to be the leader of the compound. The compound itself has all kinds of animals - it's an animal sanctuary] Blonde 2: [presemting the horse]This poor creature is in need of food and water. Balding Man: [strokes the horse's mane] You have a home here, friend. Bearded Man: The... kid wants to stay, too. Stan: I was put on the horse. I didn't wanna ride it. Balding Man: I don't know if you can stay. We'll have to ask Dr. Cornwallis. Come. [they walk among the animals. Stan looks around and takes it all in.] We don't normally allow outsiders. See, here we live in harmony with animals. They're not our pets but our fellow living beings. We work with the animals and try to live as they do. [stops, lowers his pants, and craps onto the ground. Stan looks on astonishment, then walks around the pile of shit as the man pulls his pants back up and walks on.] We make friends with the animals. We coexist, and we... intermarry. [approaches a llama and puts his arm around her neck] This is my wife, Janice. [Stan looks on quuizzically] The outside world looks down on a man marrying a llama, but our love knows no boundaries. [he turns to the llama, has her face him, and starts kissing her. Stan just gawks at the pair] Stan: Wow, you guys really love animals. Balding Man: [moves on to a man and a chicken] And why not? Mark here has been with Kelly for three years now. [moves on to another man and an ostrich] And Gary and Sally here have just managed to have a child together. [in a manger is an ostrich-baby, somewhat humanoid with an ostrich beak] Ostrich-baby: k*ll me... Balding Man: Yes, life here is good and natural. But now that you know where our compound is, you'll either have to live with us, or be m*rder. [they stop before a tent] Stan: I'll live with you. Balding Man: It's not up to you. You'll have to talk with Dr. Cornwallis. [Stan pauses at the tent's entrance, then enters and approaches a goat, which is munching on hay. The goat stops and looks at Stan, then resumes eating. Stan exits the tent] What did he say? Stan: He said I can stay Balding Man: Excellent! Dr. Cornwallis is wise beyond his year. Here's your PETA shirt and a bumper sticker. [Stan looks at his new stuff] [SP Public Access Presents: Debate 2004] Announcer: This is Debate 2004 with your host, Jim Lehrer. Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the cable-access televised debate between a giant douche [screen left] and a turd sandwich [screen right] We'll start with Giant Douche. Sir, some students and parents are reluctant to have a... giant douche represent them. What do you say to those people? Giant Douche: Jim, first of all I would like to thank you for monitoring this debate. And I would like to thank all of the students and their parents for coming. Cartman: Aww, suck-up, suck-up! [a man behind him and to his right leans over and shushes him] What?! It's an obvious suck-up move. Giant Douche: But I would hope that those students and their parents who question my qualities would simply look at my opponent. He is a turd sandwich Turd Sandwich: [leaning forward] You're a turd sandwich. Giant Douche: ... No, sir, if you'll pardon me, you are in fact, the turd sandwich. Turd Sandwich: [quickly countering] You're a turd sandwich. Giant Douche: ... Sir, you are a turd sandwich. Turd Sandwich: [quickly countering] You're a turd sandwich. Jim Lehrer: Ahh, Turd Sandwich, I will ask you not to speak out of turn. Turd Sandwich: I I'm sorry, Jim. Giant Douche: Anyway, as I was saying, ahh... wait, I I forgot what I was saying. Turd Sandwich: Ha. Wha-hat a douche. Jim Lehrer: All right, Turd Sandwich, this next question is for you. How should South Park Elementary enforce its laws of conduct for young athletes during sporting events. Turd Sandwich: [long pause] ... Uh you know, uh, my opponent wouldn't even know the answer to that question. If you ask him the same question, he would not answer it. [Giant Douche just looks at him] He would stand around and just babble on and on about nothing until he was finally saved by the buzzer sound. [the buzzer sounds over his last two words.] Jim Lehrer: Your time is up, Turd. [The PETA compound, next morning. Stan scrubs away at the empty tubs and buckets of food the animals ate from the previous day. The bald man approachs] Balding Man: Stan, I want to introduce you to my stepdaughter, Teresa. [the camera pans down to show a lamb with small horns] She seems to have taken a liking to you. [suggestively] And she's ovulating. Stan: Ahh no thanks, that's okay. Balding Man: Stan, some PETA members are growing concerned that maybe you don't love animals. Stan: I do love animals, just ...nnot like you guys do. Balding Man: You... don't belong here, Stan. You should return home. Stan: I can't. I was banished for not voting. Balding Man: But, why on earth wouldn't you wanna vote? Stan: I think voting is great. I just didn't care this time because it was between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. Balding Man: But Stan, don't you know, it's always between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. Nearly every election since the beginning of time has been between some douche and some turd. They're the only people who suck up enough to make it that far in politics. Stan: I guess... I guess you're right. [casts his eys down and to the left in reflection. An arm appears, with a g*n at the end aimed at Stan] Puff Daddy: Yo, what did I say was going to happen to you, bitch? [his four bodyguards aim their g*n at Stan as well] Stan: [jumps] AAAAAH! Man in Shorts: [pops in] Aaaah!! He's wearing the skin of an animal! [runs off, only to return with a pail of fake blood] Take that! [throws the blood at Puff Daddy, who spreads his arms out and down. The man calms down] I... hope that teaches you a lesson about being hurt. Puff Daddy: Itius, Rodicus! [the bodyguards f*re their w*apon and the PETA members fall like so many dominos] Bodyguard: Vote or die! Stan: [braves his way through the crossfire, but gets h*t on his left shoulder] AAAAH!! [keeps moving] PETA Man: [goes to shield a dog] Protect the animals! Protect the animals! [he's sh*t and falls away. The dog then pisses on the man's head] Balding Man: [rushes up to his llama and holds her] Janice, we shall die together in each other's arms! [three sh*ts k*ll him and the llama prances away. More PETA members fall.] Ostrich-baby: k*ll me! k*ll meee!! [Dr. Cornwallis is out of his tent and munching on the head of a d*ad man] [South Park Elementary polling station. Mr. Mackey tallies up the votes.] Mr. Mackey: M'kay, that's one more vote for Turd Sandwich. Randy: [through clenched teeth] So who won, Mr. Mackey? Mr. Mackey: It's pretty close, but it looks like Giant Douche is gonna win. Cartman: Oh no! NOOO!! Kyle: HA! You lose, fatass! Butters: [by the doors, motions to the others to look] Uh hey, wait a minute! [the others present gather round and look out. Stan approaches the school, battered and injured, and the others stream out of the school] Randy: Stan! Sharon: Stan, you came back. Does that mean... you learned the importance of voting? Stan: I learned that I'd better get used to having to pick between a douche and a turd sandwich because it's usually the choice I'll have. Randy: He's going to vote!! Townsfolk: [murmuring amongst themselves] He's going to vote. He's going to vote. [they gather round and hoist Stan up, carrying him inside. Stan is lowered and he fills out the ballot. He holds his shoulder and thinks a moment while images of an eagle, the White House, and the US flag float in the background. He makes up his mind: he votes for Turd Sandwich. He considers his vote, then approaches the ballot box and drops his ballot in. Mr. Mackey, holding the box, spins around in his chair happily.] Singer: Let's get out the vote! Let's make our voices heard! We've been given the right to choose between a douche and a turd. It's democracy in action! Put your freedom to the test. A big fat turd or a stupid douche. Which do you like best? Mr. Mackey: [Adding Stan's vote to the tally] Stan's vote bring the total votes for Turd Sandwich to... thirty six! And Giant Douche has... one thousand four hundred and ten. Giant Douche still wins. Some Townsfolk: Yeah! All right! Other Townsfolk: AWWWW!! Stan: Dude, so my vote didn't even really matter! Randy: Hey! That's not true, Stan. Sharon: [genuflects behind Stan] You can't judge the merits of voting on whether or not your candidate won. Randy: [genuflects behind Stan] Your vote still mattered. Mr. Garrison: [rushing into the school] Hey everybody! [holds up a shredded PETA shirt. Everyone turns and looks] They just found all the PETA members m*rder at their compound! [all gasp] Mr. Mackey: What the? They're all d*ad? Well, that means... Clyde: That we can go back to being the South Park Cows! [opens his jacket and shows off his Cows shirt] All: Hooray! All right! Randy: [to Stan] Naw, your vote didn't matter. [End of Douche and Turd.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "08x08 - Douche And Turd"}

foreverdreaming

[South Park, day. A lovely tree appears and the camera pans down to street level. Stan and friends are on the sidewalk across the street moving along.] Cartman: You guys know what? Um, the last thing you do when you die, is crap your pants. Stan: ...What? Cartman: Yeah, when you die, your jowels release and crap comes flying out your ass. [laughs heartily. The other boys stop] Kyle: That is f*cking stupid, Cartman! Cartman: Oh yeah?! I'll bet you five bucks that when you die you crap your pants, assh*le! Mr. Garrison: Hey everybody, it's time! [everyone stops and looks] It's time! Townsfolk: [a small group] It's time. Oh, it's time? It's happening. It's happening now? Let's go! [they move off to their left] Stan: It's time for what? Mr. Garrison: Get down to Metzger's Field! It's about to happen! [everyone follows him towards the field] [Metzger's Field, later. A man is speaking to the crowd gathered there.] Official: People of South Park I am pleased to be with you on this most historic day. A day you were certainly all remember... as the day your town... became great. The grand opening of the first South Park... WALL*MART! [the camera zooms out to show the full scop of the store. Everyone applauds and cheers] Randy: [hugging Sharon] Look at it, honey. It's so big. Mr. Garrison: [hugging Mr. sl*ve] It's like we're a real town now. [the boys finally arrive] Cartman: Whoa, awesome! Kyle: Hey! Isn't there where Stark's Pond used to be? Where we used to kayak and fish? Man: Yeah! Now it's a Wall*Mart! Official: I know that with the opening of the South Park branch of Wall*Mart, you will all see your town completely change... [walks over to the entrance, which has a banner across it: "Grand Opening."] Now, shop friends. Shop! [steps aside and the doors open to a spacious store. The townsfolk rush inside] Randy: It's beautiful! Grampa Marsh: [greeting shoppers at the door.] Welcome to Wall*Mart. Welcome to Wall*Mart. ...Welcome to Wall*Mart. Sheila: Sharon, isn't that your father? Sharon: Yes. Wall*Mart is the leading employer of seniors. And they also employ the handicapped. Jimmy: [approaching] Hello, Mrs. M-marsh. Can I help g... Can I help you get a sh- shopping cart today? Sharon: Why yes I'd love one, Jimmy. [Jimmy turns and approaches a line of carts. He tugs at the one in the front, wrestling it away from the other carts. Once it's out far enough, he jumps to the rear and pushes it out] Chef: [awestruck] My God. Look at all these incedible bargains. Cartman: [the boys are in the movie aisle] Dude, check it out! Time Cop on DVD. Three copies for eighteen bucks! Kyle: Why the hell would you want three copies of the same movie? Cartman: Because one copy is nine ninety-eight! But this way you save like twenty bucks! Kyle: You only need one copy, artard! Cartman: Okay, fine, dumbass, YOU go ahead and buy one copy for nine ninety-eight! Kyle: Okay, fine, I will! [grabs a copy] Huh, wait a minute! I don't even want ONE copy of Time Cop! [puts it back] Cartman: Dude, you can't shop for crap. [a wide sh*t of the store] Woman 1: [shopping with her husband] I can't believe these bargains. Official: [from an office window above the showroom floor] Fools. Ignorant fools. [The Marsh house, night. The living room has been redecorated with items got from Wall*Mart. The family is enjoying snacks in fancy plasticware] Randy: Just look at the Marsh family, huh? Brand-new television, new plastic dishware and cups, and enough bulk-buy ramen to last us a thousand winters. [three huge pallets of ramen are shown] Stan: Dad, how come Wall*Mart is able to sell everything so cheap? Randy: It's simple economics, son. I don't understand it at all, but, God I love it. [The Marsh house, later. The house is asleep; Randy is dreaming, and reacting to his dreams.] Whispers: six nienty-nine, fifteen dollars, etc. Randy: [suddenly awake] AAAH! [looks at the window and crawls out of bed, then walks towards the window. He plants his hands on the window panes, and in the distance he sees that great shining beacon called Wall*Mart. He opens his pajama shirt and presses his body against the window. A soft sigh leaves his lungs...] Yeaaah... [Sharon wakes up] Sharon: Randy, what are you doing? Randy: [wraps himself up again and goes back to bed] Anu-nothing! [puts on his slippers] I'ma I'ma, I'm just gonna head down to the Wall*Mart real quick. Sharon: It's almost midnight. Randy: Yeah, think about it. If I go there now, there won't be anybody else there. [with determination] I can all the bargains to myself! [heads out] [Wall*Mart, midnight. Randy enters dressed in pajamas and robe, only to find more shoppers in there. Wall*Mart never closes, and it's never empty. An elderly lady greets him] Elderly Woman: Thanks for coming to Wall*Mart. [waves] All are welcome. All are welcome! [Randy is stunned that he's not the only shopper there] [Next morning, the boys are on a sidewalk heading towards downtown] Cartman: Excuse me! Hello! Can somebody tell my why we're going to Jim's Drugs to buy Voltar cards when Wall*Mart has them for three bucks cheaper? Kyle: Dude, I can't deal with Wall*Mart right now. My parents had me there for three hours last night. [they pass by a man closing up his shop for the last time] Jim: Oh, sorry boys. I'm going out of business. Kyle: Why, Mr. Farkle? Mr. Farkle: I can't compete with Wall*Mart's low prices. Everyone is shopping there now, and... well, I can make ends meet. [Cartman pulls out a violin from somewhere and begins playing it masterfully] I've got to sell the store and try to find another line of work. Kyle: [glares at Cartman] Cartman, stop it! Cartman: What? I just felt like playing a little violin, Kyle. Mr. Farkle: I appreciate your business, boys, but you'll have to try somewhere else in town. [walks away sobbing] Kyle: See? That sucks, dude! Cartman: That's called progress, Kyle. Kyle: Yeah, but what about all the people getting laid off from the grocery stores? [Cartman whips out the violin and plays it again] And what about all the- [looks at Cartman, takes away his violin, and smashes it on the ground] Cartman: ... Whatever. I can go get another one at Wall*Mart. It was only five bucks. [gives Kyle the finger, turns around, and walks away. Kyle watches him leave] Stan: Come on, let's go to Main Street and support one of those stores. [Kyle turns, and the three remaining boys walk away.] [Downtown, later. The boys arrive at Main Street and are startled] Kyle: What the hell? [before them is a downtown that is shuttered and decayed. The asphalt is gone from the roads and eagles hover over the area. A window crashing makes them jump, and Butters appears around a corner, making weird noises.] Stan: Butters? [more strange noises come from Butters' mouth] Kyle: Butters? Uh what the hell are you doing? Butters: Wull ah I'm just playin' Monster. It's kinda spooky out here. [this is true. Butters resumes his monster act.] Stan: Dude, we gotta show our parents what Wall*Mart is doing to our town. [the boys turn and leave.] [The Marsh house, later. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny enter to find a house stuffed with Wall*Mart items.] Stan: Dad? [looks around at all the stuff] Jesus Christ, Dad. Dad?? Randy: So-o-o-o-on? [the boys hear him and rush over to the source of the wail] Stan: Dad, oh my God! Randy: Son... Stan: What? D-dad, are are you dying? Randy: No, I'm just... really really tired. I... was shopping at Wall*Mart all night. Stan: But you-your face! Randy: Checkout line... They had these... little stickers filled with glitter! They were only ninety nine cents for 15 of them. I couldn't resist! Do you want one? [tears one off and hands it to Stan] Here. It's a little turtle. [faints and falls over] [Wall*Mart, later. Shopping continues as usual. In his office, the official, now store manager, reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a bottle of liquor. He takes two sips and quickly hides it when he hears a knock at his door] Manager: Come in? [the boys and their parents, Butters' parents, Chef, Mr. Garrison and Mr. sl*ve all enter] Oh hello, fine shoppers. Chef: Sir, we just had a big town meeting, and decided we don't want your Wall*Mart here anymore. Randy: We're sorry, but it seems our Main Street is dying and good people are losing their jobs. We'd all like you... out of South Park. Manager: Well [begins to cackle nervously] What? What, you think I want to be here? I hate this place. But it... won't let me leave. Kyle: But you run the Wall*Mart. Manager: Oh you're wrong! [rises from his chair and moves towards the group] Wall*Mart... isn't run by anybody! First it reels you in with its bargains. Next thing you know you, you're workingbe at the Wall*Mart because it has all the jobs. Then you're sitting in a little office, trapped on all sides. Chef: They why don't you just quit?! Manager: [whispering loudly] Not so loud! It can hear you. Kyle: You hate Wall*Mart too? [rumbles emanate from the walls] Manager: ACK! [nervously] I didn't say that! I love Wall*Mart! With all its... fantastic bargains and one-stop shopping, who can't love it, right? [turns around and grabs some papers] Uh, Wa-Wall*Mart takes the hassle out of shopping and, and makes it both affordable and fun. [he writes as he talks, then shows the group what he wrote: "NOT SAFE TO TALK HERE."] Ah- and Wall*Mart really gives back to the community! Us people are certainly happy to have a store like Wall*Mart, aren't we? [writes some more and shows the group a second sheet: "MEET ME OUT BACK IN 5 MINS." He grimaces and tries to hint at them. The group leaves.] Randy: Hey, wait a minute, I think we just got squirreled. Gerald: Yeah. That guy probably thinks he can get us to go away by being so goofy! [circles his finger round his ear to indicate insanity. Seconds later the manager screams and flies out the window, only to end up hanging himself. The group looks on as the manager's pants drop off and poo follows shortly] Cartman: [catching up with the other boys] Ha! You owe me five bucks, Kyle! [The Marsh house, night. The family is at table waiting for dinner. Sharon walks in with ] Sharon: Here we go, everyone. I got three nice steaks from South Park Grocery. We'll have to share them. Randy: Eh, I remember when we could afford to buy six steaks when we shopped at Wall*Mart. Stan: Yeah, but Dad, the whole town agreed not to shop at Wall*Mart anymore. Randy: I know, I KNOW! GOD!! [pounds the table] BLEHH! [Sharon joins them at table and the family begins eating] Stan: Mom, Dad, when people die, do they always crap their- [knocks over his glass of milk, which spills onto Shelley] Shelley: Oh, you stupid turd! Randy: Oh Jesus, a broken glass! Well, I don't see any choice now! We have to go to Wall*Mart! Sharon: We do? Randy: Huh! Where else are we gonna get a new glass at this hour?! Everyone get your shoes on, we're goin' to Wall*Mart! Stan: But Dad, we're not supposed to shop at- Randy: Stan! One family buying one glass isn't gonna make a difference! [Wall*Mart, night. The Marsh family arrives and sees what Randy saw before] Randy: Hey... [The Broflovskis approach and Randy looks] Gerald, what are you doing?! We said we weren't going to shop at the Wall*Mart anymore! Gerald: Well where else was I gonna get a napkin dispenser at nine thirty at night? Randy: [noticing other familiar faces] Mr. Garrison! Chef! Jimbo! [the shoppers stop and look] Now, come on people! What the hell is wrong with you?! Don't you see what you're all doing?! Mr. Garrison: Well what are you doing here, Randy? Randy: I came because I wanted to make sure nobody was shopping here. Stan: Dad! Randy: Oh all right, em maybe I was gonna buy a glass. One glass! ... And some chips... And butter. [pulls out a sheet and looks at it] And some new pliers. Gerald: Jesus! Look at us! We all don't like the Wall*Mart, but we can't stop coming here. Jimbo: It's like some mystical evil force. Randy: Yeah. This place has a power over us we can't resist! We have to find a way to put the South Park Wall*Mart out of business once and for all! Mr. Garrison: Let's burn it down! Chef: No no no! Let's freeze it! Stephen: I think it's best we try to reason with it. Kyle: No! All we have to do is not shop at Wall*Mart anymore! If you want it to go away, all it takes is a little self-control and personal responsibility. [Outside, later. The Wall*Mart is on f*re and the shoppers are watching it burn] Randy: Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. [the people begin to sway back and forth] All: Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord... [Sidewalk, next day. The boys are walking along] Cartman: You butthole, Kyle. You just had to go and ruin everything, didn't you? Kyle: [looking at Cartman] It wasn't my idea to burn the Wall*Mart down. Cartman: No, but YOU got everyone all worked up! You're jealous of the Wall*Mart. You always hated it. Kyle: Dude, our town is going to be better without the- [sounds of construction are heard. Kyle turns to look] What the? Cartman: Oh, awesome! [rushes towards Wall*Mart] Kyle: How... How did this happen? [the other boys make their way to the store, then look around at the restored store, which is running as if nothing had happened the night before. Kyle's parents are shopping there, and they run into the boys.] Mom, Dad? Why are you shopping here? Gerald: We can't destroy it, son. We have to learn to live with it. A Man: Can I help you? [the boys tirm around and see the man is Randy, and the jump back in fright] Stan: Dad, what are you doing?! Randy: You get a discount working here. Ten percent. That means the bargains are even better. Stan: Dad, you're a geologist! Randy: I'll make less money, sure, but... as long as I buy everything at Wall-Mart, it'll all even out. Don't you see? Wall*Mart isn't our enemy, it's our neighborhood friend. [Outside. The boys walk away from Wall*Mart and see a driver lifting I-beams into place with his crane] Kyle: Hey! Hey! [the driver looks at them] Who the hell told you to put this thing back up?! Driver: Sorry kid, we've got orders from corporate headquarters. Kyle: But nobody wants a Wall*Mart here! Driver: You're gonna have to talk to the higher-ups. Stan: Where are they? Driver: Bentonville, Arkansas. That's where Wall*Mart started, that's where all the bigwigs are. [drives away] Kyle: Looks like we're gonna have to go to Arkansas. Come on, guys. We're gonna put a stop to Wall*Mart once and for all! Cartman: Whoa, Pixie Sticks, twenty-nine cents? [freezes in place and hears sounds] Wall*Mart? ...Are you speaking to me? ...My friends? ...Trying to hurt you again? [turns a little angry] Yes, Wall*Mart. I understand. [with a look of determination, he leaves the store.] [Coyote Lines, night. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are at the ticket booth] Stan: Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please. Cartman: [rushing up to join them] Wait guys! Hold on! I wanna go with you and help out. Kyle: No way! You wanna go with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying the Wall*Mart. Cartman: Nuh uh. Kyle: Yeah huh! You wanna go with us so that later you go, "Haha, I was working for Wall*Mart all along" or something. Cartman: I AM NOT, Kyle! Stan: Dude, just let him come. The bus is about to leave. [he and Kenny head for the doors] Kyle: All right, fine. Come on, fatass! [leaves to catch up with Stan.] Cartman: [pulls out a Kn*fe from his back pocket] Haha. You fools have no idea that I wuold never let you hurt the Wall*Mart. Kyle: [rushes out to face Cartman] I heard that! Cartman: You heard what? Kyle: You said we have no idea that you're never let us hurt Wall*Mart! Cartman: That's not what I said! [Stan comes out to see what's going on] Stan: Dude, come on! Kyle: He is working for the Wall*Mart to stup us from succeeding! Stan: Dude, we have to go! Kyle: God-damnit! [turns and heads towards Stan] Stan: Well hurry up if you're coming, Cartman! Cartman: [to himself] Hehe. You stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall*Mart to stup you from succeeding! Welcome to Bentonville, Home of Wall*Mart [A bus pulls up to the store's headquarters and lets the four boys off] Stan: g*dd*mn that took a long time. Kyle: It would've been faster if Cartman hadn't slashed the tires! Cartman: [drawing out the syllables] I did not! I wanna close Wall*Mart just as much as you guys do! [Corporate Headquarters, inside. A cavernous warehouse opens up before them, with busy workers, and a receptionist greets them] Receptionist: Can I help you? Kyle: Yeah. We've come to complain. We don't want a Wall*Mart in our town. Receptionist: Who does? Nobody likes what the Wall*Mart does, but it keeps... right on doing it. Kyle: We want to talk to who's in charge. Receptionist: In charge? I guess that would be Harvey Brown. He's the current president of Wall*Mart. One of the original creators. Stan: Where's he? [An ashtray. A hand rubs spent cigarette butts into it. The camera pulls out to reveal the president and the boys, and lots of empty glasses of liquor.] Harvey Brown: We... invented the Wall*Mart Super Center in 1987. The idea was simple: build a store for one-stop shopping where bulk purchases could keep prices incredibly low. [defeated, buries his face in his left hand] We didn't know what we were doing. In just four years, it was out of control. Kyle: So how do we stop it? Harvey Brown: [raises his head] You don't stop it. Stan: There has to be a way! Harvey Brown: There's nothing! Don't you understand?! Nothing can stop the Wall*Mart in your town! ...Unless...of course, you can find and destroy its heart. Kyle: The heart of Wall*Mart? Cartman: Sir, don't you think you're talking a little too much? Harvey Brown: Every Wall*Mart has a heart, somewhere near the television department. Destroy the heart and you could reverse the entire process! Cartman: You speak too much, sir! Stan: Why don't you guys just destroy the heart? Harvey Brown: Because the Wall*Mart stops you. Many have tried, kid. Union leaders, nature activists, even the best fair-trade lawyers tried to stop the Wall*Mart and now? They are Wall*Mart shoppers all. Kyle: All right. Come on you guys, we have to get back home. [drop down and leave the room] Harvey Brown: [shakes his head] It won't work, don't you understand?! It isn't gonna stop until there's nothing but Wall*Mart left! Jesus, what did we do?? WHAT DID WE DO?? [the boys are at the doors, about to leave. Mr. Brown spins around on his stool] Boys! [the boys turn and see him take a g*n to his head] Tell the world... Im sorry! [the boys are alarmed] Stan: No, dude, don't! [Mr. Brown sh**t himself through the temple and falls over on his left side, d*ad. Seconds later he craps through his pants, leaving a hole in them and a falled bar stool nearby. A few moments of shock, and then Cartman cracks up] Cartman: [pointing to Kyle] That's ten bucks you owe me, dickface! [A stormy night in front of Wall*Mart. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive dressed in camouflage.] Kyle: All right, this is it! If Wall*Mart has a heart, we have to find it and destroy it! No matter what the Wall*Mart does to try to stop us, we have to be strong! Let's do it. Cartman: [rushes in and blocks their path. holding a dagger] I'm afraid not, Kyle! Wall*Mart is a great store! I could not let you fools ruin its terrific bargains! You see, I was working for Wall*Mart all along! Kyle: I knew you were! Cartman: No you didn't. Kyle: Yes I did! I said from the beginning that you would do this! Cartman: No you didn't. Kyle: Yes I did!! Cartman: No you didn't. Kyle: Yes I did!! Cartman: No you didn't. Kyle: Yes I did!! Cartman: No you didn't. Kyle: Yes I did!! [a few more rounds of this and they stand head to head, silent] Cartman: ... You see, Kyle, it was me who slashed the bu- Kyle: -slashed the bus tires in Arkansas! I said so! I told you the minute that I- [Cartman babbles loudly to drown him out] -and I told you that- Cartman: [plugs his ears] I can't hear you! Lalalalalala! [once he's sure Kyle is quiet, he unplugs his ears and pulls out his dagger] I'm sorry, boys. but if you want to hurt the Wall*Mart, you'll have to go through me! [holds out the dagger, ready for battle.] Kyle: [he and Stan walk around Cartman] We don't have time for this! Kenny, keep him away from us! [Kenny does as told] Cartman: Very well, Kenny! Let us battle! [Kenny begins delivering blows at Cartman] No, Kenny. Kenny! Knock it off. [Stan and Kyle enter the store and walk past the greeterm Marvin Marsh.] Grandpa Marsh: Welcome to Wall*Mart. Stan: Save it, Grandpa! Kyle: We've gotta find the television department. [the lights flicker and turn off. Randy leaps into view in front of the boys, carrying an ax. Stan and Kyle scream] Randy: Boys, these axes are only four ninety-nine. Stan: Dad, we know how to destroy the Wall*Mart. Randy: Shhhhh! What are you talking about? Stan: One of the creators told us. You have to take your keys over to the television department. Randy: Television department... All right, come on, let's go! [they move down the aisle for some distance. Randy stops and jumps] Oh my God! Stan: What?! Randy: Those two-dollar salt-and-pepper shakers! They were three dollars five minutes ago! The Wall*Mart is lowering its prices trying to stop us! Stan: Come on, we've got to try to make it to the back! [the three make their way to the back, but Randy can't help but look at all the bargains] Randy: Gaaahh! Don't look! Don't look at its bargains! [they come across a bunch of bikes priced at $29.99. They scream and run off. The boys run down another aisle, but Randy isn't with them.] Kyle: I think I see the television department in the back! Stan: Is that the right way, Dad? Dad?? [looks around, then turns to his right. Kyle turns to his left. Both boys see Randy] Dad! Randy: The screwdrivier set is only nine ninety-eight! Stan: Come on, Dad! Randy: I can't make it, boys! You're gonna have to go on without me! Stan: No, dad! We need your keys! Randy: This bargain is too great for me! I'm gonna have to buy these! Here! Take the keys and go on! [tosses the keys to Stan, who catches them] The television department is near the back! Next to the cell phones! Go! Hurry! I'm gonna go buy these screwdrivers! [the boys leave the aisle] Stan: [passing the candy display] There! The television department! [The television department. The wall is lined with TVs of all sizes. A hand appears and presses a button, and all the TVs turn on, showing the boys on screen. The camera pans over to the two boys, who are looking at a man dressed in white.] Man: Hello, boys. Congratulations on getting this far. [the boys approach him] Kyle: Who are you? Man: I am... Wall*Mart. [the boys look at each other] Stan: You? Wall*Mart: I've taken this form in order to talk to you. But I can take many forms. [dons a bowler hat] Does this suit you better? Or perhaps you prefer this form? [takes off the hat and puts on a robe] I can take whichever form I like. [removes the robe and puts on a pirate hat and black patch over his left eye.] Stan: We don't want your store in our town; we come to destroy you. Kyle: Where's the heart? Wall*Mart: To find the heart of Wall*Mart, one must first ask oneself, "Who is it that asked the question?" [the boys look at each other again] Stan: Mr. I'm asking the question. Wall*Mart: Ah, yes, but who are you? Stan: Stan Marsh. Now, where's the heart? Wall*Mart: Ah. You know the answer, but not the question! Kyle: The question is, "Where is the heart?" Wall*Mart: Very well. You want to see the heart of Wall*Mart? It lies beyond that plasna-screen television. [the boys look to their right and walk over. The open a small door marked "EMPLOYEES ONLY" and see themselves in a mirror] Stan: It's a mirror. Wall*Mart: Yes, don't you see? That is the heart of Wall*Mart. You, the consumer. I take may forms: Wall*Mart, Kay*Mart, Target, but I am one single entity: Desire! Stan: Well, the guy in Arkansas said to destroy the heart. [the boys turn and face the mirror again, and Kyle takes a sledgehammer to it. It shatters.] Wall*Mart: Gaaah! NO! NO, what have you done?? [the building begins to rumble] Now you shall see my true form! [begins to march around with vigor and laughing harshly] Now you see me as I truly am! Stan: We'd better get out of here. [outside, Cartman and Kenny stop wrestling and witness the Wall*Mart's self-immolation. Inside, Stan and Kyle make their way to the front doors] Chef: Get out! It's gonna blow! [the shoppers pay heed] Stan: Hey, come on! We've gotta get out! Randy: Too late for me, son! I have to buy this stuff! Kyle: The Wall*Mart is exploding! Everybody out now! [the shoppers now bolt for the doors and run out.] [Outside on the parking lot, night. The building begins to collapse as everyone gathers in the parking lot. The building implodes into a shining blue dot, then reappears as crap, which falls to the ground where the Wall*Mart once stood. Cartman looks on in astonishment, then cracks up and walks away] Mr. Garrison: Boys, you did it! You k*lled the Wall*Mart! Gerald: How did you do it, Kyle? Kyle: All Wall*Marts start a self-destruction sequence if you break a mirror in the back. Chef: We know how to destroy it now. Spread the word to all the towns! [nearby, a soldier sits at the ready to send out the news on a telegraph] Randy: Wait. I think I understand the symbolism of the mirror. The Wall*Mart... is us. Kyle: Duh. Randy: You see boys, if we like our small-town charm more than the big corporate bullies, we all have to be willing to... pay a little bit more. Do you understand? Gerald: Yeah! Let's all go shop at Jim's Drugs down the street! [the crowd approves and marches down the street] [Jim's Drugs, later. He reopens for business and the crowd flocks to his store. Later, the small store is replaced by a larger two-story building, which in turn is replaced by a huge building reminiscent of the departed Wall*Mart, which in turn leads to Jim's Drugs' demise by f*re] Crowd: ...Oh Lord, Kumbaya. Randy: All right, let's not make that mistake again. Mr. Garrison: Yeah, lets all shop over at Tru-Value! Crowd: Let's go! Yeah! [the crowd moves to the store as one]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "08x09 - Something Wall*Mart This Way Comes"}

foreverdreaming

[South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Some fourth graders chat in the hall as Wendy passes by: Clyde talking to Kenny and Kyle.] Clyde: Yeah, and it was called Man from Atlantis, and he had like, webbed fingers... [Stan rushes up to them and grabs Kyle by the coat] Stan: Kyle, Kenny! I have to talk to you right now! Kyle: Okay, hang on a second I- Stan: [pulls Kyle away] RIGHT NOW, GODDAMNIT! Kyle: All right, all right! [Stan pulls him further away until there's no one around them] Dude, what is the matter with you? Stan: [the look of fear is strong on his face] Trent Boyett is being released from Juvenile Hall. [the boys are suddenly afraid] Kenny: (WHAT??) Kyle: Trent Boyett?? The kid from preschool?? Stan: Yeah. He just got paroled. Kyle: Oh no! NO! Cartman: Hey gaybots, what's goin' on? Kyle: Trent Boyett is being released from Juvenile Hall. Cartman: Really? That's cool. When did-? [realizes what Kyle has just said] What did you say? [rushes up to Kyle] Trent Boyett? Meanest, dirtiest, toughest kid in the world, super-pissed off at US Trent Boyett?? Kyle: Yeah. Cartman: Oh, Holy Jesus, God is... Stan: What the hell are we gonna do?? Butters: [runs up to the boys] Hey, is it true?? Trent Boyett is getting out?? Cartman: It's true. Butters: Oh Jesus, Oh Christ in Heaven, I gotta hide! [rushes off to do that, past the other kids in the hall to the front door...] Uh, oh boy! [bursts through the front doors and runs away babbling] Cartman: He's gonna come for us, you guys. We are d*ad men. Kyle: Look, m-maybe he's forgiven us. I mean, we were only in preschool [Flashback to preschool days. It's playtime, and the kids are busy doing things, sliding and such.] Stan: Dude, let's play Fireman. Kyle: Totally, dude, let's play Fireman. Cartman: Jews can't be firemen. Kyle: Shut up, fatass! Cartman: Don't call me fat, you stupid Jew! Kenny: (How about we put a real f*re out?) Stan: Hey, Kenny's right. We should put out a i>real f*re. Then we'll be heroes! Cartman: But how do we start a f*re? Kyle: Trent Boyett will do it. He's the toughest, baddest kid in preschool! [a sh*t of Trent beating up another kid with a play hammer. He delivers two blows] Trent: Say Uncle! Boy: Uncle! Trent: [two more blows] Say Uncle! Boy: Uncle! [satisfied, Trent lets the boy go, and Stan and the others advance to him] Trent: [turns around] What do you shitheads want?! Kyle: Do you know how to start a f*re? Trent: Sure! I burn lots stuff. Stan: Start one. Then we're gonna put it out. Kyle: We're firemen! Trent: Do you f*ck even know how to put out a f*re? Stan: Yeah yeah, we play Fireman all the time. Cartman: Don't worry, Trent. Trent: All right, fine. [walks back to the table, grabs a sheet of paper, crumples it up, and lays it down on the floor. He sets it on f*re] Butters: [approaches] Hey fellas, you'd better be careful. Cartman: Shut up, Butters! We know what we're doing! Butters: Oh, all right then. [turns around and walks off. The sheet catches f*re] Stan: Wow, cool! Kyle: Code 7! Bring in the firemen! Stan: [walks up to the crumples sheet] Woowoowoowoo, Clang clang clang clang clang! [drops his pants and begins pissing on the paper] Come on, firemen! Put out the f*re! [the other boys come and imitate the f*re truck noises whle pissing on the paper. Trent looks on.] Kyle: We're heroes! [smiles] We saved the school. Trent: [sees that the f*re is spreading] Put it out! Teacher: [a female, notices the f*re and arrives] Trent Boyett, what have you done now?! Trent: They said they could put it out. Teacher: Children, get back away, now! [shoos the boys away, then tries to smother the f*re out with a blanket. The blanket catches f*re, and so does she.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [runs from the blanket, then twirls in her own flames as the alarm goes off] I'm buuurniiing! Stan: Put it out, put it out! [Cartman runs up to their teacher and starts pissing on her. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny follow suit] [South Park Elementary, moments later, still in the flashback. The teacher is being put in an ambulance] Paramedic: Come on, hurry! We've gotta get her to the hospital! [the paramedics hop into the ambulance and drive off, siren blaring] Stan: Dude, we are in so much trouble! Kyle: My mon is gonna break my legs! Cartman: Hey, we didn't start the f*re, Trent Boyett did. Stan: That's true. Officer: You boys! Trent is trying to tell us the f*re was YOUR idea. Stan: No! Kyle: Not us. We're good kids. Trent: Tell them it was an accident: you thought you could put it out. Cartman: Trent Boyett is a liar, sir. Officer: I thought so. All right, that's it, Trent. You're going to Juvenile Hall for a long time! Trent: [pleading as he passes Butters] Butters, you saw! Tell them what happened! Butters: Ah, I'd do you in, Trent. Ah, I don't wanna get involved. Or else my parents will ground me. Trent: You'd better pray I never get out of Juvenile Hall! You'd better ALL pray! [the officer wrestles him into the patrol car and closes the door] Kyle: Dude, when he gets out of Juvenile Hall, he's gonna wanna k*ll us! Cartman: Whatever. That's like five years from now. Stan: Yeah, who cares? The Boys: [cheering] All right, yeah, woohoo, we did it! [The flashback ends and the boys are shown in the hall again.] Stan: Now it's five years later. And Trent Boyett is being released. Cartman: Oh Jesus, he's gonna k*ll us. We-we've gotta tell our parents! Kyle: We can't tell our parents, dude! We lied to everybody! Nobody knows we're responsible for Ms. Claridge's accident! Stan: Sshhh, here comes Ms. Claridge now. [a soft noise is heard, and in rolls a futuristic wheelchair, encasing Ms. Claridge] The Boys: Hello, Ms. Claridge. [she turns to face them] Stan: [nervously] Are you having a nice day, Ms. Claridge? [a yellow button on the machine lights up and beeps. She turns left and rolls away] Cartman: You guys, what the f*ck are we gonna do?! In case you've forgotten, Trent Boyett is the meanest kid we ever knew. He's gonna tear us apart! Kyle: Look, that was a long time ago. Maybe Trent Boyett has forgotten all about it. [Juvenile Hall, outside, day, out in the desert. The sky looks smoggy.] [Juvenile Hall, inside. The gates in the hall roll back and a mean Trent walks forward. On his right shoulder is written "Vengeance is Mine, sayeth the Lord." Above the writing is a cross. On his left shoulder is a skull surrounded by the words "Never Forget." He approaches the check-out desk] Warden: [holds up a manila envelope] Everything that you had when you were first brought in here will now be returned. [slices the envelope open and the goods pour out. He then gives each good to Trent after mentioning it] One Crayole eight-pack with crayon sharpener. One pair of plastic round-tipped scissors. One marble, blue. And one [snaps the blade open] switchblade Kn*fe with "k*ll all betrayers" written on the blade, black. [snaps the blade closed again and hands it to Trent. Trent makes his way past the desk and heads for the exit.] Trent! Where are you gonna do? [Trent stops] Trent: I gots business to take care of. [leaves] [Butters' house, day. In his darkened room, Butters trembles in fear on the floor next to his bookcase. A knock is heard at his door] Butters: Hah! [the door opens and his parents enter.] Chris: Butters? [a view of the room from their position doesn't show Butters anywhere. Butters peeks out from behind the bookcase] Butters: Hullo. Oh, uh hi Dad. Chris: Butters, what is wrong with you?? Butters: Nothin' wrong, sir. Eh nothin' at all. Linda: You've been shut up in your room for days, Butters. You need to go outside, go play. Butters: Uh... outside? No way! [hides again] Linda: Why not? Butters: [pops up] N-no reason! [hides again] Chris: Butters, we have had it with your moping around! You're gonna go outside and you're gonna play, right now! Butters: But Dad, I just wanna stay in my room- [Butters' house, front porch. He's kicked out of the house and the door shuts closed on him. He fiddles his fingers around nervously] Chris: Butters, play! [Butters is frozen by something he sees across the street] Start playing right now, young man! [Butters begins to move around, and his father leaves the window. Butters does the Hokey Pokey, but notices the street again and freezes. Across the street, Trent looks right at him] Butters: Tru... Tr-Trent Boyett! HAAA! [grabs the door handle and tries to go inside again, only to find it locked. He pounds on the door] Dad! Mom! I'm don- I'm done playin' now! [Trent marches across the street and approaches Butters.] AAAAAH! Let me in, Dad! [Butters pounds on the door again] Mom, Dad, you gotta open the door! [Inside, on the sofa, Chris reads the newspaper, Linda reads a book] Linda: What on earth is the matter with him? Chris: Just keep the door locked, honey. Butters can't be a house hermit his whole life. Butters: Oh my God, he's coming! Oh here oh my gosh he's gonna k*ll me! Linda: I just can't stand to hear him scream like that. I'm gonna go upstairs. [rises from the sofa and heads upstairs] Butters: Mom, Dad, you gotta open the door right now! You've gotta open it- [stops and turns around. He's face to face with Trent. Butters begins talking nervously] Oh hey! Trent Boyett Gosh I... haven't seen you in a whle. Trent: [b*at] Five years. It's been five long miserable years. Butters: Look, Trent, I know- I know you're awful sore about... pre- muh- pr-preschool and all, but... well that was a long time ago. I mean, we were just kids. [Trent is unmoved] Uhhh... p-lease don't hurt me, Trent. I-I'll give you anything you want. You name it! Trent: Can you give me back my time? Huh? Can you do that?? Kindergarten, first grade, second? Can you give me that?? Butters: Well, no, Trent, I-I'm not like a time-traveler or nothin'. Trent: I'm gonna give you something you didn't give me: a five-second head-start. Butters: No, Trent, I I ain't gonna run. We can talk this through. Trent: Four seconds! Butters: Uh Trent, now, listen to me. I'm sorry for the color- Trent: Three seconds! Butters: Ohhh yamuckers! [runs away] [Hell's Pass hospital, day. Butters wasn't fast enough. In a recovery room, his parents stand at his bedside] Linda: Thanks so much for coming to visit Butters in the hospital, boys. It means a lot to him. [the boys just stand there with their jaws dropped, awed at what they see before them. Dr. Doctor comes in with a clipboard] Chris: What happened to him, Doctor? Dr. Doctor: From the test results, it would appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive snuggie, his underwear pulled up so high it nearly k*lled him. He also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a second-degree titty twister. And from the damage to his head area, it appears he was also given a swirly, a colossal one. [the boys are more frightened after hearing this] It also appears like he received a noogie, and, a Polish bike ride. Linda: What's that? Dr. Doctor: We aren't sure. We only know that... there is no cure. Linda: If only we had let him in! [faces Chris] Why didn't we let him inside the house when he was screaming for help?? [begins to sob] Chris: Now, honey, we were trying to read. [the boys walk over to an adjacent room] Cartman: We've got to tell them who did this, you guys. We're gonna get it as bad as Butters! Kyle: That's nothing compared to what my mom will do to me if she finds out I've been lying for five years! Cartman: Maybe you didn't hear so good in there, Kyle! Second-degree titty-twister! Stan: Calm down guys, we don't have to go tell our parents. We just need to go out and get some protection. Cartman: How the hell are condoms gonna help us?! [the adults in the recovery room look at Cartman] Sorry, heh. Never mind, heh. [the adults turn their attention back to Butters] Stan: I'm talking about hiring somebody bigger than Trent to protect us from him. Come on! [the boys run off] [A riverbed. There's graffiti along the banks and sixth graders ride their bikes all around the riverbed] Sixth Grader 1: I'm gonna jump the wall of f*re. [makes motorcycle noises and jumps a low ramp and a small f*re, landing safely] Yeah, that was sweat! Sixth Grader 2: Hey, look! [before him, Stan and friend approach] Kyle: Dude, we shouldn't be here! Stan: Stay cool, guys. If anybody can protect us from Trent Boyett, it's the sixth graders. Sixth Grader 2: Stupic little Fourthies! [leads the other sixth-grade boys towards the fourth-graders and circles them, then stops in front of them] What are you little Fourthies doin' in our hangout?! Stan: We've come to... ask you for help. Sixth Grader 2: Help??? [he and the other sixth graders laugh heartily] Kyle: We need you to protect us... from a bully. Sixth Grader 2: Yeah? And what do we get for it? [Stan nudges Cartman forward] Cartman: [pulls each item from his backpack and presents it as he mentions it] A twelve-pack of Dr. Pepper, A sh**t & Ladders game used only three times, DVD of Harry Potter 2, and a coupon for a free side of fries with a purchase of any deloxe hamburger at Red Robin. [places it at the top of the small tower he's built] All this can be yours. [the sixth grader steps off his bike, approaches Cartman, and throws the tower aside] Sixth Grader 2: You're gonna have to do better than that, Fourthies! Kyle: Well... [the fourth-graders take a step back] Well, what do you want? Sixth Grader 2: You're Stan Marsh, right? Stan: Yeah. Sixth Graders: OOOOOoooOoOooo! Sixth Grader 2: We want a picture of your mom's boobs! [cups his hands over his chest] Sixth Graders: Yeah. Awesome. Stan: WHAT?? Sixth Grader 3: Your mom has the sweetest bewbs ever. Sixth Grader 4: Yeah! I totally wanna suck your mom's tits. Stan: Dude, weak! Sixth Grader 2: Come back with a naked picture of your mom! Stan: [after some thought] NO! Sixth Grader 2: Then we aren't helpin' you! Kyle: Wait! We'll do it. Sixth Grader 2: It'd have to be a good picture, too! [the sixth-graders make motorcycle noises and ride off. This sixth grader does a wheelie] So long, Fourthies! Cartman: Okay, so now we just need to get a picture of Stan's mom naked. Cool. [Sonewhere. Trent makes makeshift barbells out of rods and solid disks and begins pumping iron] [South Park, Main Street. A couple and Ms. Claridge pass each other] Woman 1: That's the preschool teacher, Ms. Claridge. Poor woman suffered such horrible burns she can only communicate by... beeping once for yes and twice for no. [Ms. Claridge stops at a corner waiting to cross the street. Another couple approaches her and flanks her on either side] Woman 2: Oh hello, Ms. Claridge. Nice day, isn't it? [Ms. Claridge's machine blinks once, so yes] Man 2: Need help across the street, Ms. Claridge? [Ms. Claridge's machine blinks two, so no] Well all right then. [the light turns green and the couple crosses the street. Ms. Claridge does as well, but it's slow going for her. Her wheelchair slows down and her power indicator drops to zero. She stuck in the middle of the street in the crosswalk] Man 3: [walks over to help her] Ms. Claridge, you all right? [silence, as there's no power for her light to blink] You can talk to me, Ms. Claridge. I understand: one beep for yes and two for no. Don't you think you should get out of the street? [again, no response] Look you, you don't have to be so cold. I'm just trying to help. [no response. The man gets annoyed] Oooo, sorry! [the man walks on to the other side of the street, quite annoyed at Ms. Claridge. Cross traffic begins, and the cars beep at Ms. Claridge to move out of the way. She's stuck] [A doorbell rings. Mrs. Broflovski approaches and opens the door. Trent faces her with his Kn*fe in hand.] Trent: Can Kyle come out and play? Sheila: Oh, Kyle isn't home right now, hon. Trent: Thank you, ma'am. [turns and walks away] [Stan's house. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sit at the dining table. Cartman is dressed as a woman] Stan: You see, Mom, all the kids at school were told to bring a picture of their moms' breasts for anatomy class. Cartman: I don't know, son. That sounds awfully strange. [crosses his arms] You cannot have a picture of my hot breasts. Stan: But mom, my teacher will- Cartman: Nononono, you gotta go [softly, sweetly] "But Mo-o-o-om." Stan: [normal] But Mo-o-o- Cartman: [with more feeling] "But Mo-o-o-om." Stan: This is hopeless! Kyle: Why don't you just sneak in your mom's closet and get a picture when she's changing clothes? Stan: That's sick, dude! I'm not taking a picture of my mom's boobs! Kenny: [volunteers] (I'll do it.) Stan: No, you're not doing it either! We just need to find something that looks like boobs to take a picture of. Kyle: What else has big round squishy globes? [they look at Cartman, who looks up into space] [Living room, moments later. Cartman stands on a stool and squats down. Kyle has a set of instructions and Stan has a marker. Kenny stands as a witness] Cartman: Draw the um- You guys draw the nipples like on the bottom of my asscheecks. Kyle: [checks the book] No, the nipples are more in the middle, see? [holds the book out for the others to see.] Cartman: Yeah, but Stan's mom is old; that means her nipples... sag more to the bottom now. Kyle: How do you know?! Cartman: Will you guys trust me? I know this stuff! Stan: All right, fine. [draws some nipples on Cartman's ass, checkig the book to be sure. He then steps back] Kyle: Oh wait! We forgot the necklace. Kenny: (Oh yeah!) [walks up and puts a necklace above the new nipples, then steps back. Stan frames the image with his hands, then has Kyle step into his spot to take a couple of pictures.] Kyle: [lowers the camera] God I hope this works. [The ravine, day. The sixth graders are there again, riding up and down the concrete slopes. Stan and his friends approach] Stan: Escuse me! Sixth Grader 2: Whattaya want now?! Stan: [steps forward] We, we got it. [pulls out the photo. The sixth graders ride up to the boys] Sixth Grader 3: You got a picture of your mom's bewbs? Sixth Grader 5: No way! Sixth Grader 6: [walks up and takes the photo, then walks back to the group, looking at it] Hey, hold on a second! [the boys are scared] These are like the hottest tits I've evern seen! Sixth Grader 7: Whoa! Sixth Grader 8: Check them out! Sixth Grader 2: [walks up and grabs is from #6] Give me that! [looks] Whoa! I knew she had a hot rack! Sixth Graders: Yeah. Sure does. Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Sixth Grader 9: Oh yeah, those are so hot. [fondles his groin] Oooohhh Kyle: Okay, so now you'll help us take care of Trent Boyett? Sixth Grader 2: [someone else has the picture now] Oh all right, we'll let this Trent Boyett know that if he misses with you, he's messin' with us! Cartman: All right! Kenny: (Woohoo!) Cartman: You guys, we're free! We haven't a care in the world! Kenny: (All right!) Sixth Grader 10: I need three minutes alone with the picture behind the bushes. Sixth Grader 6: I get to take the picture behind the bushes after you. Sixth Grader 2: [grabs the picture] I'm takin' it to the bushes first! [the others follow] Stan: Dude, are we gonna be like that someday? Kyle: Naw. [The intersection. Ms. Claridge is still there. The boys exit an ice cream parlor with ice cream cones and walk down the street] Kyle: Man, I would have loved to seen to seen the look on Trent Boyett's face when all the sixth graders showed up! Cartman: Yeah. Trent's just lucky he didn't mess with us. I woulda kicked his ass. Stan: Hey, look. What is Ms. Claridge doing? [she's still in the crosswalk] Ms. Claridge? Man 4: [stops and walks up to the boys] She won't talk to anybody, boys. Some say... she's just given up hope. [walks on. The boys move on as well and round a corner] Cartman: Hey guys, you know what we should do? We should go get a- [drops his cone in fright] Hwuh?! [before them is a pile of mangled bikes] [Hell's Pass Hospital, later. The boys enter the emergency room and see it full of cots. The sixth graders are there, some injured more than others. The emergency room personnel have their hands full] Dr. Doctor: Jesus Christ, I've never seen so many Indian sunburns and titty twisters in my life! [sees a nurse and motions to her] Get a cold towel on that pink belly! Nurse 1: Doctor, we have another snuggie here Dr. Doctor: Over there! [points to a clear area, then goes to another cot on which a sixth grader grabs his left ear in pain. A nurse is there as well] Another wet willie? Nurse 2: Worst one yet. Sixth Grader: It's all [becomes incomprehensible and cries out in pain] Dr. Doctor: Give the poor kid some morphine. [the nurse reaches for a syringe and does as told. The boys approach the cot on which the leader of the sixth graders lies] Stan: Dude, what happened? Sixth Grader 2: We... told him not to mess with you guys... We told him... you paid us. Kyle: Oh, Jesus. You told him that?! [the leader suffers a cramp and groans] Dr. Doctor: Boys, you have to let him rest. Some mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl Stan: What's that? Dr. Doctor: It involves Tabasco sauce, a telephone, and the anus. [the boys stiffen with fear] I don't know what kind of kid would do this to other people; I only know that I wouldn't ever want to be on that kid's bad side. [walks away. The boys leave the hospital] [Hell's Pass Hospital, outside] Stan: We're d*ad. Trent knows we send the sixth-graders after him. Cartman: He's gonna give us all Texas chili bowls. [breathes a silent sigh] Kyle: We've gotta move away. We've gotta get as far away from this town as possible! Stan: No, no, we've just gotta find better help. Kyle: From who? We can't ask adults for help and there's nobody tougher than sixth graders. Stan: [looks down] There is... one person. [Stan's house, living room. Shelley is watching TV with a bowl of soup on her lap. Stan and friends enter and approach] Stan: Shelley? Shelley: Shut up, turd! I'm watching television! Stan: Shelley, you're my sister, right? And families... depend on each other. Shelley: I said shut up, or I will destroy you, tur-r-rd! Stan: Shelley [hesitates, begins to tear up] Somebody is going to k*ll me, and I can't go to Mom or Dad for help, so, you're kind of the only person I have... left. [begins to cry. Shelley notices, puts her bowl aside, hops off the sofa, and walks up to Stan] Shelley: [in Stan's face] STOP CRYING, TURD!! Now, who's gonna k*ll you? Stan: Trent Boyett. He just got released from Juvenile Hall. He was sent there for burning Ms. Claridge, but actually, it was our fault. Shelley: Oh, you are such stupid turds. Stan: We were only four years old at the time, uh. We du-we didn't think about the past coming back to haunt us then. We didn't think and now he's gonna k*ll us! Shelley: Calm down, turd! No Juvenile Hall turd is going to k*ll you. That's my job. Kyle: So you're gonna help us? Shelley: Yes, but I'm gonna want something in return. Cartman: A picture of your mom's boobs? Shelley: SHUT UP, TURD! You're going to admit to Ms. Claridge what you did! Stan: Admit it was our fault? Shelley: You can't run from your past, turds. Apologize and make amends. Then I'll protect you from this Trent turd. [the boys aren't so sure apologizing will do any good] [The intersection. Ms. Claridge is still there. No one has moved her. Cars move past her, honking at her, and two men and a woman approach the corner facing her.] Man 5: Ms. Claridge, the people in town are really worried about you. [no reply] Woman 5: Look, if you're having some kind of problem, you have to be able to talk to people. [no reply] Man 6: Just tell us this: do you trust that we want what's best for you, yes or no? [no reply] Man 5: All right, fine! But someday you're gonna have to learn to let people in! [the three walk away] Bitch. [Stan and his friends approach the corner and walk up to Ms. Claridge.] Stan: Hi, Ms. Claridge. Uh, we have s-someting to tell you. [no reply] Kyle: The thing is, Ms. Claridge, we did a lot of stupid things when we were kids. Cartman: A lot of stupid things that we regret. Kenny: (And it's time for us to come clean.) [no reply] Stan: See, Ms. Claridge, when we were little, we used to play with our weiners a lot, and one game we played was "Fierman." Trent: [appearing behind them] I've been lookin' for you! [the boys turn and jump upon seeing him] Firve years I've been waitin' for this day. Cartman: AAAAAAAAH! Stan: Trent, look: We've realized our mistake! [Trent advances, the boys back up] Cartman: Yes, our conscious got the best of us and, and we were just about to tell everyone the truth. [the boys hide behind Ms. Claridge's wheelchair, Trent goes around the other side and faces them behind the chair] Trent: You had five years to do that. And while I wasted away my time in prison you've been enjoying nice, normal lives! Kyle: Our lives have not been enjoyable, Trent! I promise you! [the boys back up some more, away from the intersection] Trent: Don't tell me that! I heard about the things you've done! But there WERE no magical Christmas adventures or talking poo for me! I didn't get to fight a huge mechanized Barbra Streisand like you did! No accidental trips to Afghanistan for Trent Boyett! [advances. Cartman pulls out a taser g*n as the other boys fall in behind him] Cartman: Stay away from us, Trent! Stan: What is that? Cartman: It's my mom's taser. I took it from her purse. [steps forward] Just back off, man! Trent: Look, just take your punishment! You deserve it! Let me have my retribution and it can be over with. Cartman: I am NOT going to have a titty twister! I hate titty twisters! Trent: You don't even know how to use that! [advances on Cartman, who fires the taser but misses. The taser tips h*t Ms. Claridge's wheelchair and begin charging her batter up. Excess power causes the wheelchair to spin twice around and go off to the corner she was facing. She hits Little Gas Shack and blows up three propane t*nk just outside the store. Those t*nk in turn blow up the store. Ms. Claridge catches f*re and spins around a few more times.] Wow! [her button blinks twice for no and she crosses back across the street, crashing into a Pets-U-Luv store. A bunch of cats att*ck her and she pulls back out of the store. She spins again a few more times and a policeman pulls up in his cruiser. Ms. Claridge rolls down the street and shears off a f*re hydrant. She gets stuck atop the pipe and water sh**t up and engulfs her. Moments later the ambulance pulls up and the paramedics prepare to put Ms. Claridge into the cargo area of the vehicle] Officer 2: So, Trent, you just had to finish off your old preschool teacher, eh? Trent: No! They did it! [silence for a few seconds] Cartman: Trent Boyett is a liar, sir. Officer 2: Ms. Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this to you. [two beeps, so no] Yes yes. Take him away! Trent: [a blond officer arrests him] Naw! You've gotta listen to me! [nope. He's hauled away and the gathered crowd disperses] Kyle: Dude, when he gets out he's gonna be really mad! Cartman: Whatever, that's like five years from now. Stan: Yeah, who cares? The Boys: Yeah, woohoo Cartman: We did it! [walks over to the side of the cruiser Trent is sitting in] So long, Trent! Have a nice time! [Trent grits his teeth in anger as Cartman dances] Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa! [turns around and lowers his pants, then shakes his bare at him] Hahahahahaaahaaa! [he forgot to remove the nipple markings from it. Trent grows livid. The six-graders arrive and carry Cartman away] Sixth Grader 6: Hey, hold on a second! Cartman: Uh oh. Sixth Grader 6: Bewbs! Sixth Grader: Omigod! Sixth Graders: Boobs! Sixth Grader: [as the others argue over them] I'm taking them to the bushes! Sixth Grader 2: I'm taking them to the bushes first! Cartman: Hah! Hey!

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "08x10 - Preschool"}

foreverdreaming

[An announcer introduces the news over some action-type music] Announcer: This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School. And now, Super School News. News made for students, by students. Jimmy: Welcome to Ssuper School News. I'm Jimmy Valmer. Cartman: And I'm Rick Cartman. Jimmy: The price of milk money will go up next Monday to 49 cents. The school claims the added money is due to the cow shortage in South Park County. Cartman: Parent-teacher conferences will be held this Wednesday night, from seven to nine. So kids, get a lot of playing in before you get grounded. And now, for a look at what's on the menu for school lunch today, here's Stan Marsh. [Reporting from the cafeteria, Stan.] Stan: Eric, it looks as though the school will be serving a chicken cutlet. Now that's traditionally a uh, a white meat chicken... breast, if you will, that has been breaded, and then cooked. I've been told there will also be tater-tots, and a vegetable dish. This is really shaping up to be a ah ah one fantastic lunch. Eric? Cartman: [serious pose] ...Hard-hitting reporting, Stan. Thanks a lot. And now, here with the celebrity watch is Butters Stotch. Butters, seen any celebrities? [Reporting from the sidewalk in front of the school, Butters.] Butters: Nu-noo, not yet. I've been standin' out in front of the school for about ...two hours now ah, and I haven't seen any celebrities. Uh about thirty minutes ago I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver, but ih ih turn- it turns out it was a d*ad horse. Cartman: All right, Butters, keep your eyes open. Butters: [over a speaker] Will do. Jimmy: More snow for South P... p-p Park. Here's Token Black with the weather. Token: [in front of a weather map] Jimmy and Eric, it looks like a massive snow storm is headed South Park's way. I asked my dad last night and he said that he heard the snow storm is expected on Tuesday. Guys? Cartman: Kyle Broflovski now joins us for a look at sports. And Kyle, the girls' basketball team just can't get it right. Kyle: [at a small desk, for Sports] Another devastating loss for the Cows last night, Eric. They were ahead in the game until Kelly Anderson crying because she missed her daddy, who's on a business trip in Thailand. Uh, Kelly was so upset she couldn't play, and the Cows had to forfeit. Cartman: Cows are on a six and O slide since Kelly's father left for that business trip. Jimmy: And that's all for Super School News. Enjoy your day at South Park Eh- ...eh- ...eh- ...eh- [lilts] ehehehehe [normal] eh- ...Elementary. Stan: [returning from the kitchen to serve as cameraman] And we're cut! [turns off the camera] Cartman: All right, nice reporting, guys. Nice. [the reporters gather in studio] Butters: Boy, that was a GREAT episode! Stan: Yeah, I think that was one of our best shows yet. Man: [enters the studio] Boys, I'm afraid I have some bad news. The school has to cancel your show? Kyle: What?? Jimmy: For God's sake, Mr. M-m-Meryl? Mr. Meryl: Well, the students just aren't watching ya. Your rating was only a four this whole week. Cartman: How many students is that? Mr. Meryl: Four. [holds up four fingers] Four students watch your show. And meanwhile, Craig's show is getting a 57! Stan: ...Craig's show?? Cartman: What is that butthole doing now?! Mr. Meryl: O-hoh, it's brilliant! It's all just video footage of animals close-up with a wide angle lens. [pops a VHS tape into the player and the video starts] Clyde: [on tape, as the name of the show is displayed] Animals Close-Up With A Wide Angle Lens. [the video goes on to show close-ups of dogs and cats.] Stan: But that's... that's crap! That's not even TV! Mr. Meryl: It's what the students want, and it's cheaper to make than yoru show. Just one person and a video camera. Craig is a genius. Uh sorry, kids. [walks between and past them] Jimmy: [stopping Mr. Meryl] But, Mr. Meryl, we're trying to bring the news to the students. They need to know the facts, and our news team them, very much. Mr. Meryl: Kids don't care about the news, boys. It's boring. Kids wanna see animals, close-up, with a wide angle lens. Cartman: Please, Mr. Meryl, but, the news is our life. Withot it, we have nothing. Mr. Meryl: I'm sorry, kids. Y-y-you should be proud of what you've done. It's just that it's kind of gay. [walks off] Cartman: ...You're gay!! [Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch, day. The boys are seated for lunch: Jimmy, Butters, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Token. Other kids are there as well.] Butters: [his head resting on his right hand] Gee whiz. We sure worked hard on that new show. Stan: Apparently it doesn't matter how hard you work. Whistlin' Willy: [approaches the table] Hello boys, ready to do some whistlin'? [begins to whistle] Cartman: f*ck off, Whistlin' Willy. We're not in the mood. Whistlin' Willy: [enthusiatically] If you want a pizza, you've gotta whistle. [whistles] Come on! [whistles some more, then stops. The boys whistle back, but slowly and flatly] There you go! [sets the pizza down on the table and leaves] Cartman: [softly] God, I wish we had a Pizza Hut in South Park! Stan: [look at Cartman, but notices someone else] Hey look, Craig just walked in. [Craig enters to cheers from the other kids in the restaurant and waves back to them. Several kids take pictures of Craig] Kid 1: Yeah! Kid 2: Hey look, it's Craig! Kevin: Hey, Craig, over here! Kyle: Geez, and all that from a stupid video show. Craig: [sees the other boys and addresses them] Oh hey guys. Heard about your news show being cancelled. Cartman: Go play with yourself, Craig. Craig: Yeah, well, I've got an overall deal with the school, heh. They're paying me six dollars a week to come up with new shows. Stan: Your idea took about this much thought, Craig! [holds up a fist with thumb and index finger just a centimeter apart] Craig: [throws the gesture back at Stan] This much more than you had! [walks off with his fans. They head to Willy's VIP Lounge, which is just a large corner booth. A waiter guards access to the lounge and Craig approaches.] Hey, a round of root beers for everyone! On me! [the other kids cheer and the waiter opens the lounge. The kids pour into place, including Kenny.] Kenny: (Woohoo!) Cartman: [catches up to Kenny] Kenny, what the hell are you doing with this assh*le?? Kenny: (Craig just asked me to do his show, geez.) Cartman: You're helping Craig make his show?! I can't believe you would betray us like that?! We've always been supercool to you! [Kenny flashes back to Cartman gloating about their news show: "Hahahahahaaahaaa! / We're gonna do a news show / and you can't do it with us / because you are too poo-oor / and poor people don't watch the new-oos / Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa." The flashback ends] Ah whatever, Kenny! [walks away] Craig: Hey g*ng, I brought the new episode of wide angle close-up animals. [the kids cheer again. Clyde walks up and takes the tape from Craig] Clyde: [excitedly runs towards the video wall] Put it, put it up on the, monitors! [puts the tape into the player and more close-up footage of animals is shown] Kids: Cuuute. [a kitten's face is shown] Super cuuute. Kyle: [turns back to the table] Gah, I just don't get it. Token: Wow, those animals are pretty cute. Stan: Token! Now, come on, guys! We worked too hard to just roll over for Craig and his stupid overall deal. Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves, we just need to figure out how to make our show better! Kyle: Yeah. Maybe if we can get higher ratings by the end of the week, he'll let us stay on the air! Butters: Well, what are we waitin' for?! Stan: Come on, guys! [the boys leave] [Student Conference Room 1-F, later. Inside, A sign above the chalkboard reads "Idea Room." Cartman has his feet up on the table. Stan paces the floor.] Stan: All right, we all need to come up with ideas for our show. Kyle: How about we revamp the name? Super School News sounds dry. Cartman: It should be Sexy News. Token: Action News. Stan: Yeah, Sexy Action, that's good. Kyle: Maybe the problem is we don't have very good stories to report on. Cartman: Right. We should make up stories, because they'll be far more interesting. Butters: Hey, yeah. Uhwhy I could say I saw celebrities even though I didn't, a-a-and then lie about what I saw them doing. Cartman: Gosh, Butters, write that down! Butters: [enunciates each word as he writes it] Lie about celebrities. Stan: We have to appeal to all the students, so we, we need hot girls for the sixth graders... Cartman: And panda bears for the preschoolers. Stan: Good! Kyle: Maybe we need to make students think they have to watch our news show or they'll die. Token: Yeah! We should make up a bunch of reports about how dangerous it is to be alive. Butters: Oh boy! Jimmy: Fellas, are you sure all of this ie eh- ethical? Cartman: We're in fourth grade, Timmy. We don't even know what ethical means. Stan: All right, Sexy Action School News Team, it's time to go to work. Get out there and get some stories! Butters: Sexy Action School News Team, ho! [the boys leave their seats and head out the doors. Cartman stops Token] Cartman: Ah, Token, can I have a quick word with you? [takes Token by the arm and walks him away from the door] Look, Token, I, I know the guys are having trouble bringing this up with you, but uh... Well the thing is, Token, we... we really need to revamp your whole TV persona. Token: Huh? Cartman: You see Token, people really enjoy seeing African-Americans on the news... Seeing African-Americans on the news, not hearing them. That's why all African-Americans newspeople learn to talk more... wha, how should I say... white. [Sees that Token isn't following] Token, all the great African-Americans newspeople have learned to hide their ebonic tribespeak with a more pure Caucasian dialect. There's no shame in it, and I think it'll really help our ratings. [The announcer introduces the show] Announcer: This is South Park Elementary School closed-circuit television. And now, [dramatic fanfare] Time for the Sexy Action School News!! [a splashy logo appears with a small expl*si*n behind the logo, then a female silhouette walking across the screen behind the words] Cartman: Is South Park about to explode from a methane gas leak? More on that later. But first, Stan Marsh has a look at some new outfits for the Raisins girls! [Reporting from Raisins, Stan Marsh. He's surrounded by Raisins with shorter shorts and t*nk tops] Raisins Girls: Woohoo! Woohoo! Stan: Eric, the outfits are even skimpier than before, leaving very little to the imagination. No doubt that if I were a little older, I would be aroused. Raisins Girls: Woowoo!! Cartman: And now, for a look at the weather, here is Token Black, and Token, I hope there's no tornadoes headed our way. Token: [deeper, whiter voice] No tornadoes, Eric, but interestingly enough, there is a low-pressure storm moving in over the Park County Valley. Should bring us some chilly days ahead. [grins and points his index fingers at the camera] Jimmy: The Park County School Board has approved a bigger budget for the computer lab up- Cartman: [rudely interrupting] Oooo, hang on, Jimmy, it looks like Kyle has the jinx on some students' bathroom habits. Kyle? Kyle: [at a different, flashier desk] Eric, sources are speculating that third-grade student, Pete Thelman [his picture is shown], pees sitting down like a girl. We've also got confirmation that Sally Turner [her picture is shown] stuffs her bra. And Clyde Donovan has only one testicle. Cartman: [cracks up with laughter, then holds up a finger] One testicle! [pounds the desk and laughs] What an assh*le! [a short jingle is heard] Token: Uh oh, looks like it's Panda Bear Madness Minute! [circus music plays as panda-suited mascots and the other reporters join Token in the weather area and dance. A pulsating logo appears] Cartman: Oh yeah, Panda Bear Madness! And now, let's get a look at the celebrity scene sh*t, with Butters. Jimmy: [dismayed] This isn't the news, this is a tr-tr-tr... travesty. [Student Conference Room 1-F] Cartman: All right, so after my report on the unsanitary conditions of the school cafeteria, we're goin' to Kyle for the story on Brian Teeves trying to make out with Susan Farkle. Stan: Then let's do Token's report on how global warming is going to k*ll everyone in the fifth grade. Token: That is a terrific idea, Stan, A-Okay. Jimmy: [walks into the room with a tape] Fellas! Fellas, I got fant-tastic news! The vice-President, Dick Cheney, was in Denver yesterday, and I got an interview with him for our news show. [the boys look at Cartman] Cartman: Oooo, interview with the vice-President, hmmm. Frankly, Jimmy, I don't know how we're gonna fit that in between cheerleader pie-eating and Who's got Skidmark Monday. Jimmy: But this is real news! Cartman: It's boring news, Jimmy. Jimmy: How do you know?? You you haven't s-seen it yet! Cartman: All right, tell me about it. Jimmy: Well, in the interview, Mr. Cheney tells me all about how the- Cartman: [yawns loudly] Aww! Ohh! God, I just got so sleepy. I'm sorry, what were we talking about? Jimmy: Look, fellas, I've got a real problem with the direction our news show is going! We're dumbing down the school! Stan: No, Jimmy, the school is already dumb. We're just giving them what they want. Kyle: We're making the news more appealing to students. Jimmy: This isn't the news! This a b-b-bastardized quest for ratings! Damnit, we have a journalistic responsibliltiy to bring students the fa... the facts! [begins to walk around the table] Don't you see what we've done? In our efforts to compete with Craig's small-minded show, we've made a mockery of n-nununews reporting. I remember when we all made an oath to each other, way back when started playing news reporter, that we would never let anything jeopardize our integrity! Well our integrity is jeopardized! And if we can't report news the honest way, what good is n-news reporting? [Cartman then yawns loudly again] [Mr. Meryl's office, Audio-Visual Department] Mr. Meryl: Boys, first of all, I want to tell you how impressed I am with your ability to get more ratings. Your show b*at Close-up Animals with a Wide Angle Lens by three viewers! The Boys: All right! Woohoo! Awesome! [the boys give each other hugs all around and shake hands] Stan: I knew we could do it! Kyle: We b*at Close-up Animals! Cartman: Oh man, this is sooo great! We, we worked so hard to be on top! Oh, oh come'ere you! [hugs Butters] Mr. Meryl: Yes, but unfortunately, you got crushed in the ratings by Craig's new show. [the boys continue cheering, then stop and look at Mr. Meryl] Stan: Craig's new show? Mr. Meryl: All the students love it. It's an incredible idea called Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens... Wearing Hats. Take a look. [clicks Play. The boys turn around to look at the monitor. The animals on display now are wearing hats, but it's the same show as before otherwise.] That Craig is a freakin' genius, I tell ya. He like... an idea machine. Butters: Does... Does this mean we're still gonna get cancelled? Mr. Meryl: I'm afraid it's worse than that, boys. I'm gonna have to give you all F's in Extracurricular AV Class. You have to learn now how important ratings are! Stan: Hey wha-b-but we gave it our best. Mr. Meryl: Yes. [begins to rock in his seat] And I guess your best wasn't good enough [shows them the door]. [In the hall. Mr. Meryl closes the door behnd them.] Stan: [stunned] I don't believe it. Cartman: I can't lose this extracurricular credit. I need it to pass fourth grade! Butters: Stupid news hair! [removes his wig and kicks it away. It bounces like a rubber ball] Jimmy : Fellas! Don't you see? This proves my point. We have to elevate our ideas up, not down. Kyle: Yeah, Jimmy's right. I know we can come up with way better ideas than Craig. Stan: Yeah. To save our show, all we need to do is come up with the best idea for an episode ever! [Student Conference Room 1-F. The kid reporters sit around trying to think of something, anything, but all there is is silence] Kyle: What if we do a show where we go to- [stops] Uh, no. Cartman: How about we have us, um... hmmm. Stan: Come on, doesn't anybody have any show ideas? Butters: Well how about we get panda bears and we have them dance around with us. Token: We did that! Jimmy: Wow, coming up with ideas is... hard. Stan: Look, you guys, if Craig can do it, we can do it! Come on! [time passes. Stan begins to pace the floor again] How about we do a show with us... ughhh. Kyle: Thee... uhhh. What if the-? Cartman: Wait, I've got it. [the boys turn and look at him] Crab people. Stan: Crab people? Cartman: They're like half crab, half people, and they live below the ground. Stan: [looks at Cartman, then gets annoyed] Dude, I think we can do a little better than crab people. Butters: Hey, I know! We should read the funnies! [hops off his chair and goes to a table, on which sits the Sunday Funnies] I always get good ideas from the funnies. Cartman: [his face buried in his hands] Butters, only gay little dweebs read the funnies! Butters: Yeah! I read 'em all the time! Uh here's one: the uh, snail tripped over a hurdle, a-and the other snail says "Well that's gonna add another hour to his time." [laughs] Yeah! You guys! [gets no reaction from the other boys] Heh. Cartman: How about we do a show where we k*ll Butters? [time marches on and the boys get sleepy, except for Butters] Butters: [still reading the funnies, giggles, then laughs] So Dagwood says "Good, guh-good thing we're playin' ...uh the back nine at your house." [laughs heartily] Stan: We're hopelessly stuck, completely out of ideas. Cartman: We have crab people. Just sayin'. Kyle: Wait! You know what we should do? We should all take a bunch of cough medicine! Token: Cough medicine? Kyle: That's what the sixth graders do behind the school at recess. They take way too much cough medicine because they say it makes them see things in their heads. [South Park Pharmacy, later. The boys are at the cold and flu medicine aisle.] Butters: Gee whiz, there sure is a lot of 'em. Kyle: How do we know which one to use? s*ab: [reaches out and grabs one, then steps back] How about this one? Calminex? [reads the label] "Warning: Taking more than the recommended amount can cause severe side effects." Cartman: That sounds perfect. Jimmy: B-b-bbingo! Pharmacist: Can I help you boys? Stan: Uh, yeah, we need to come up with some ideas and inspiration, so we're gonna drink a bunch of cough medicine. Pharmacist: Whoa, boys! That's not what you need to come up with ideas. Kyle: It's not? Pharmacist: No! What you want is Calminex PM. [grabs a similar bottle to the first one and hands it to Kyle] It has the dexatrimfan in it that causes hallucinations in large doses. Kyle: Oh, okay. Pharmacist: Now, if it's more of a lucid, speedy kind of high you're looking for, I do also carry the Daytab Cold and Flu. Then there's the maximum-strength Cortitussin Cough and Cold, but of course, that's only if you really want to trip balls. Jimmy: Wha, what do you think, fellas? Stan: I guess we'll just take all of 'em. Pharmacist: That's the spirit! All right, boys, I'll just need your parents' permission. [the boys look at each other] Kidding! I'm just pulling your legs. Come on over to the register. [goes to the register. The boys follow and see Mr. Garrison and Mr. sl*ve waiting for the pharmacist] Mr. Garrison: Oh, looks like somebody else is doin' a little partyin' tonight. Mr. sl*ve: Oh, Jezuth Christh Butters: Woo. We aren't havin' a party. Mr. Garrison: Oh yeah, sure, you're just buyin' that for your bad coughs, right? [fakes a bad cough and nudges Mr. sl*ve] Us too. [coughs] Mr. sl*ve: [coughs] Jezuth. [coughs] [Student Conference Room 1-F. Butters and Jimmy sit at a sofa. Jimmy has set his crutches aside and is now drinking the cough syrup] Kyle: [handing out a few things] All right, now everybody take a tablet and a pencil. [Stan, Token, and Cartman are on the floor] and when all the ideas start coming, just write 'em down. We might not remember everything otherwise. Butters: [Jimmy hands him a bottle] Oh boy, I can't wait to be creative and smart. [chugs down the cough syrup] Hohhh, it's all think and g-gooey. Cartman: [taps at his tablet several times with a pencil] Huh. I don't have any ideas yet. Kyle: Stan? [Stan's eyes have glazed over and he looks stupefied. From Stan's point of view, the whole world changes. Kyle how has a wolf head with yellow eyes.] Dude, Stan, you all right? Jimmy: [appears as a yellow figure with multi-colored polka dots all over his body] I think maybe he's f-feeling it. Cartman: [appears as a blob with echoing voice] Stan, are you getting good ideas? Butters: Whoa... [stretches out his left hand] I'm feeling kind of bowling-ballish, fellas. [Stan begins his head trip. He sees a tunnel with yellow light, then a flash of plasma, then an aminated Mandelbrot design, then a prize-winning dog on a pedestal. A bell sounds. Next, a tunnel with blue light, which ends up at a performance of some sort, a time-lapse sh*t of rolling clouds, another Mandelbrot animation, a running sh*t of a meadow, then a wide-angle view of the boys] Cartman: [with altered voice] Stan? Stan, come on. We're gonna go find a frog. [smiles, turns around and walks away] [Stan then sees time-lapse footage of a ride through a city, then blooming flowers, then time-lapse footage of the reporters walking around the valley, then some weird graphics, then Cartman in degraded colors. Cartman and Stan speak to him in weird altered voices] Cartman: Oh Stan, I just got the best idea Kyle: Me too. [they quickly write their ideas down in their tablets] [Stan then sees an imploding building, then some dancing African women, an expl*si*n in another building, a zoom-pan sh*t of an African dancer. Next he sees himself and the boys on a sidewalk in downtown. Butters talks to him in the same altered voice the other voice have spoken to him in] Butters: Hey! Let's run naked through the street! [takes off his clothes and run away happily. Kyle, Token, and Cartman stand around with goofy grins on their faces doing nothing.] [Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. Token and Jimmy are in amchairs, Stan stayed on the floor, Kyle, Butters, and Cartman are on the sofa. Butters is in his underwear. All of them are groggy] Cartman: Dude, this TV show is awesome. Stan: It's... 's the greatest show of all time. Kyle: I could watch this for days. [the show they're watching is Clyde's new show, Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens Wearing Hats] The Boys: [without enthusiasm] Cuuute. Super cuuute. [Student Conference Room 1-F, next morning. The boys are now asleep. Butters' head is on Kyle's lap. Stan, sleeping on the floor, wakes up and looks around] Stan: You guys. You guys, wake up! [the boys are roused] Kyle: Ah! Butters: Huh? Kyle: Butters, get away from me! Butters: [looks down at his body] Oh Jesus, where are my clothes?? Stan: We took a bunch of cough medicine to come up with ideas for our show. I didn't come up with anything. Cartman: Ah I did. I wrote something down. [reaches down and gets his tablet] Here it is! Uh, squiggly line, circle. [shows the drawing to the other boys] Kyle: I wrote down... all the lyrics to the Happy Days theme song. Stan: You guys, we watched Craig's show all night long. Token: [still groggy] Yeah. It was great. Stan: No, but don't you see? We didn't think it was great before. I think I understand now. [strokes his chin] I think I know why Craig's show gets such great ratings! Half the school is high on cough medicine! Kyle: Jesus, you may be right. Jimmy: Fellas, this is our chance! Everyone get your hair looking as fantastic as possible. It's time for us to do the most incredible investigative news report of our journalistic lives! [An announcer introduces the news over some action-type music] Announcer: This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School. And now, [sudden change of tone and flashy graphics follow] a Sexy Action News Team Special Report: Cough Medicine Abuse in School! [the boys are shown in their news reporter attire and they strike serious poses. Cartman takes off his glasses.] With the Sexy Action School News Team! [a sh*t of a coffin being lowered into its plot] It's the report you can't afford to miss! [a skull and crossbones appear and a scream is heard. The picture itself takes on a blue hue] And now here's Rick Cartman! Cartman: [camera pans down to him] They call it cough syrup, cough medicine, cold and flu remiedy. But behind closed doors at South Park Elementary it also has a street name. Hoochie, wombat juice, tigger yum yum. Hello, I'm Rick Cartman. Today, the Sexy Action School News Team takes you inside the dark and lonely world... of cough medicine abuse. Stan: [voice over] They're doing it in the hallways! [a sh*t of Tweek downing some cough syrup, then jumping in surprise and running away] Behind the school! [a sh*t of the Goths downing cough medicine] Red-haired Goth: Hey, get out of here, you f*ck' dork! Stan: Even in the girls' bathroom! [a sh*t of Bebe and Red in the restroom. Bebe takes a sip from a bottle of cough medicine, gives it to Red to sip, then notices something in the air vent under the ceiling] Bebe: [approaches the sink under the vent] Is somebody in there? I'll tell on you! Stan: [a sh*t of Jimmy and Principal Victoria looking at the report] We showed the shocking footage to the principal! Principal Victoria: Oh my goodness! Jimmy: P- Principal Victoria, can you explain how your administration fuh-failed to see this p-p-pro-o-o... p-p-problem. Principal Victoria: Well I... we... Kyle: [steps into view in front of Cartman, who has his arms crossed] So where are students getting all this cough medicine?? [Cartman uncrosses his arms and puts his fists on his hips. Kyle puts his hands behind his back] This surveillance footage shows a group of troubled kids getting all the smack they want from a pharmacist! [it's the footage from their own visit to the pharmacist for the medicine] Sexy Action School News reported the pharmacist to the South Park police, and he was immediately arrested! [a sh*t of the pharmacist being escorted out of the store and into a cruiser. Officer Barbrady takes part in the arrest] Token: The cough companies claim they don't intend for their product to be used by kids to get high! But one look at the packaging tells otherwise. [brings out the first package] Theradryl DM. For kids. [brings out the next package] Dexa Cough, children's formula. Cartman: And now, for a quick celebrity check, here's Butters Stotch. Butters: [from the front of the school] Still no celebrities, Eric. Uhn, I'll keep my eyes open. Stan: The cough medicine problem used to also run rampant in neighboring Middle Park Elementary. But they took action: ridded their entire town of cough medicine, and what we see now is a happier school, 100% cough medicine-free. [a sh*t of the hallways from the entrance. All the kids are coughing and walking around. Some of them sneeze] [Mr. Meryl's office, later.] Mr. Meryl: Boys, I want to congratulate you on what is perhaps the finest piece of student television I've ever seen. Not only did you get all the students and myself off of couch medicine, but you got a 22 in the ratings! Kyle: Twenty-two people?? All right! Craig: [enters and moves past the other boys] You wanted to see me, Mr. Meryl? Mr. Meryl: Oh yes, Craig. It appears that the ratings for your show are down significantly. Stan: [knowingly] Gee, what a concidence. Jimmy: I wonder... oo-oo.. w-why? Mr. Meryl: You need to know how important ratings are, Craig, so, I'm going to suspend you from school and request that you have your testicles removed surgically. Cartman: [gleefully] Haha! In your face, Craig! Mr. Meryl: You boys are approved for twenty-seven new shows. I want you to come up with an even better idea than the cough medicine story. Get to it! [Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. The boys are seated at the table once again, sitting in silence] Stan: Nobody has any ideas? Cartman: This sucks. I don't wanna keep havin' to come up with ideas for shows all the time. It hurts my head. [Token and Kyle sit across from him with no ideas either] Kyle: Dude, bail? Cartman: ...I think bail. Stan: ...Bail. [everyone leaves the table] Jimmy: Yep, b-b-b-bail. [the room is empty as the door closes off-camera.] [End of Quest for Ratings. The last scenes are that of Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens Wearing Hats]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "08x11 - Quest For Ratings"}

foreverdreaming

[South Park Mall, day. Inside, a crowd awaits a special event. A small stage with "PARIS" writ large in front is set up before a red curtain. Wendy and Bebe arrive and make heir way to the front.] Bebe: Come on, Wendy, we'er gonna miss it. Wendy: We're gonna miss what? Bebe: Paris Hilton is making an appearance at the mall. Wendy: Who's Paris Hilton? Red: "Who's Paris Hilton?" Annie: You don't know? Announcer: [someone takes a picture as he approaches the mic.] Hello, everyone! [drumroll] The Guess Clothing Company is pleased to have as its new spokesperson model, a woman all you young ones can look up to, Ms. Paris Hilton. [she appears and flashbulbs go off amid squeals from females in the crowd. She then lifts her bra and shows off her breasts] Bebe: Wow, that's really her! Paris! Over here! Wendy: I don't get it. What does she do? Annie: She's super-rich! Wendy: ...but what does she do? Red: She's totally spoiled and savvy. Wendy: [annoyed] What does she do?! Man: [walks by and overhears] She's a whore. [takes his camera and snaps a few pictures] Paris: [her left eyelid hangs heavy] Hey everyone. Sorry if I'm a little spent. I did a whole lot of partying last night with a LOT of different guys. [coughs onto her left fist. All that partying can't be good for your stomach. Of all the females, only Wendy is stunned.] Anyway, I'm pleased to be here in Douth Dark to announce the opening of my brand new store! A store where girls can buy everything they need to be just like me! Stupid Spoiled Whore! [the red curtain drops to reveal the store. The crowd cheers] Have fun, girls. And remember to party, and be super-lame to everybody. Bye! [steps aside and off-stage. An assistant awaits with water and a tote bag, which has a Chihuahua in it. She holds out a bottle of water] Give me that! f*cking Christ I need a drink! [vomits out something brown, then drinks from the bottle. The assistant arms her with the tote bag] Where's my dog?! [walks off] [Stupid Spoiled Whore, inside. The girls rush in as the doors open and begin to mill around. Bebe leads Red, Jordan and Wendy around. Wendy's still stunned.] Bebe: Wow, look at all this great stuff. Stupid Spoiled Whore clothes, Stupid Spoiled Whore dolls, Red: [walks up to a display case] Hey, check it out: the new Paris Hilton perfume, Skanque. [grins and holds a heart-shaped bottle with the name on it] Annie: [carrying some clothes] Oh yeah, let's get lots of that! Wendy: You guys, don't buy this stuff. Why do you want to be like Paris Hilton? Red: It's not just Paris: Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Tara Reid, they're all stupid spoiled whores! Wendy: But the idea that we'll be whorish for money is belittling to our gender! Bebe: [now with two armloads of clothes] Wendy, get a clue. The only thing more important than being rich is being famous! Annie: Wow, you really sound like a dumb slut, Bebe. Bebe: Thanks, Annie! [she, Annie, and Red walk away, and Wendy remains stunned] [South Park Mall, parking lot. Paris's chaffeur holds the limosine door open for her.] Paris: [quickly arrives and enters the limo] God, get me out of this hick town! What a bunch of rednecks! [the driver closes the door, starts up the limo, and drives off. Inside, she picks up her Chihuahua and starts talking to it, caressing it] Everybody's so f*cking lame. Except for you, my little Tinkerbell. You love my vewy much, don't you? How much you wuv me? [Tinkerbell looks like a mirror image of her, including heavy eyelid] I'm gonna dress you up like a bunny, and then I'm gonna dress you up like a little princess. You're mine forever! [her cellphone rings and she answers it, releasing Tinkerbell.] Whatever! Oh, hey, KC. Oh, another stupid store opening at some lame cowboy town. [Tinkerbell jumps down from the seat and walks away dejected] Oh, it's so f*cking stupid, this whole town stinks like cows. [Tinkerbell is up on the divider and looks down] I can't wait to get out of here! Grody! [Tinkerbell drops down onto the front seat...] They have the lamest stores, too. [... walks over to the driver and digs around his right coat pocket ...] I'm gonna go to Rome for the weekend, I think. I dunno, Rome or Tokyo, either way it'll be totally boring. [... and digs out a small g*n from the pocket.] Stupid. [coughs some mucus onto her left hand] Hagh. [Tinkerbell carries the g*n back to the back seat...] I need to get wasted. I haven't had a drink in like fourteen minutes. Why is everybody so stupid anyway? [... and sets the g*n dow long enough to put the barrel against its chin. Tinkerbell then tries to set the g*n off with her right hind leg. That doesn't work, so she stands the g*n up on its butt and tries again] I flashed all these hicks with my boobs; you should've seen the look on their faces! Stupid redneck idiots! [the g*n goes off and Tinkerbell falls over, her brain and blood splattering on the seat's back and rear window] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Driver: Oh dear... Paris: Another dog k*lled itself! [A house. Two girls sit at a dining table doing nothing. Wendy enters and addresses them] Wendy: Hey Jessie [the blond], hey Kal. Do you guys mind if I hang out with you? The other girls are acting really strange. Jessie: Sure, Wendy. We were just trying to think of something to do. Wendy: Oh, well, you wanna maybe go to the art museum? Jessie: Nah, that sounds really dull. Kal: Hey, I know! Let's make a videotape of us having sex with boys! [Jessie likes the idea] Wendy: What?? Kal: I just got [brings out a box] the Stupid Spoiled Whore video playset! [the set comes from Letcher Price and "Makes you a whore and so much more!"] Singers: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset! Kal: You can make videos that get out on the Internet! Jessie: Yeah! Singers: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset! [Jessie and Kal open the box up and prepare the camera] Show the whole world what a slut you are! [Kal puts on some makeup as Jessie looks on] Announcer: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset comes with video camera, night-vision filter, play money, losable cellphone, and sixteen hits of exstacy. [nine hits are shown] Singers: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset! [night-vision footage of Kal simulating sex is shown] Let everyone see your coo-oo-ooch! [The playset box is shown again, then Kal is shown on the cellphone] Kal: I'm pretending to be calling my friends on the cellphone while my man waits for more sex! Jessie: You're a Stupid Spoiled Whore. [Wendy just turns right and walks away.] Where are you goin', Wendy? [The limosine. Paris is crying over the loss of Tinkerbell] Paris: Bwaaaaaaa! Waaaaaaaaaaa! Driver: All right, Ms. Hilton, we'll find you another dog. Paris: [throws a tantrum] WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Driver: There there now, let's just get you back home, shall we? Paris: Woooooooooohooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooo... [notices somethng outside] Wait! Wait, stop the car! [the limo proceeds] Stop the car, you f*cking moron! [the limo stops] Look at how cuuute. I want that! I want that!! Butters: [playing with some apples on a checkerboard blanket on the front lawn] Lu lu lu, I've got some apples, Lu lu lu, you've got some too. Paris: It's adorable! [exits the limo and closes the door] Butters: Lu lu lu, let's make some applesauce, take off our clothes and lu lu lu! [Paris approaches him] Paris: Look at his lwittle puff ball! [Butters is surprised] I'm gonna feed you, and take care of you, and call you Mr. Biggles! [kneels down and hugs him] Butters: My name's Butters. Paris: Driver, put Mr. Biggles in the car. [the driver appears] I want to find a bear costume for him. Won't he be soo cute dressed up as a bear? Driver: Paris, I believe this is somebody's child. Paris: I want it! Driver: I don't think you can actually- Paris: I WANT IT! WANT IT!!! [rocks back and forth] Driver: All right, all right, come on- come on, young man Butters: Wa-I'm, Wa-I'm sorry, ma'am. I'd like to be your boyfriend and all, uh even though you have kind of a big nose, but my parents told me, "never get into a car with a stranger." Paris: Well did they say anything about limosines? [Butters thinks about it. An image of his parents appears] Chris: Butters, never get into a car with a stranger! Unless it's a limosine. Butters: Oh.Yeah, actually, they did say that'd be all right. Paris: [happily] Get in the limo, Mr. Biggles! We're gonna have a bear costume made for you! [Wendy's house, night. Her parents are watchng TV and munching on chips on the sofa. She enters with her head down] Announcer: And now, back to The Price is Right! [Wendy sighs] Dad: Hi, sweetie. What's the matter. Wendy: Mom, Dad, I'm growing concerned about the role models young women have in today's society. Dad: Oh? Wendy: It seems that lewdness and shallowness are being exalted, while intellectualism is looked down upon. Dad: ...Gosh. Wendy: I think young women are being marketed to by corrupt, moral-less corporations. Dad: Well, we'll get right on fixing that, sweetie. Wanna watch The Price is Right? [Wendy doesn't answer. Instead, she turns away and walks off slowly, and her parents go back to eating chips] Wendy: [spins around and walks back] Dad, there's a new store at the mall called "Stupid Spoiled Whore" and I'm gonna go there and buy a thong! Dad: [suddenly angered] What?! No daughter of mine is going to dress like a whore! We're marching down to that store right now, young lady! [Stupid Spoiled Whore, moments later. Wendy and her dad enter the store. He looks around] Mr. Testaburger: Oh my God! Well this place is-! Oh my God! [approaches a line of girls and their mothers.] Mrs. Polk, you're buying this stuff for your daughter?! Mrs. Polk: [giggles] It's what's in right now. I, I can't have my little girl be the only one not in a trend; she'll be unpopular. [that little girl is Annie] Mr. Testaburger: Unpopular?! If she's not a whore?! [Bebe and her mom now pay attention] But these are our girls! Mrs. Stevens: I think it's empowering for them. I mean, sure, if a man wants to be a whore, it's "normal," but if a woman wants to be one, it's "WRONG." [the other females murmur in agreement] Woman 1: But, when a man pees standing up, it's "normal," but when a woman does it, it's "weeeird." Females: Yeah! Right! Woman 2: Yeah, like, when men shave their balls it's fine, but when a woman does it she's "straaange." Females: Yeah! Right! It isn't fair! Teen Girl 1: [caresses Mr. Testaburger] All the girls in South Park are gonna be total sluts from now on, so you can just get used to it. Teen Girl 2: [rubs her ass up against Mr. Testaburger] Yeah. Will you buy me that purse I want over there? I'll do anything, 'cause I'm a whore. Mr. Testaburger: [more amenable now] Oh, uh uh sure I, I can buy a purse. Wendy: Dad!! Mr. Testaburger: Nope. Wendy, I think they're right. You see, you have to believe in the rights of women. For too long they've had to live a double standard. [enjoying the affection] Oh yeah. [normal] I'm sorry I've been so chauvinistic, Wendy. From now on you can have whatever you want from this store, I'll help make you the stupidest, most spoiled whore of them all! Females: Yeahah! Hooray! [The Stotch house, day.] Chris: Butters, will you mind telling us why you're dressed up like a bear?! Butters: [dressed in a bear cub outfit] Oh, well, uh, my sort-of-girlfriend dressed me up like this. Chris: Your girlfriend? Paris: [enters the scene] There you are, Mr. Biggles! [picks Butters up and hugs him] Aw I thought I'd lost you! [caresses him] Promise you'll never leave me. [his parents are stunned] Linda: Butters? You're dating Paris Hilton? [points an accusing finger at him] You are grounded, mister! Butters: [resigned, shuffles his right foot around] I'm sorry. Chris: [turns his wife around] Uh, sweetheart, isn't Paris Hilton worth a lot of money? Linda: Chris, she's more than twice Butters' age! Chris: Yes, and more than three billion times his net worth. Everybody adores that girl, darling. We should be nice to her too, especially if she's in love with our son! [they turn around] Linda: Uhm, Paris, would you like to have some cocoa with us? [Paris coughs some phlegm onto her left hand and rubs it against the rug] Paris: With schnapps and Scotch. [coughs some more phlegm onto her hand...] [The dining table. The four persons are seated around it drinking cocoa, with Paris having a bottle of Scotch alongside the cocoa] Chris: So, Paris, I understand you're from the prestigious Hilton family. Very nice hotels. Paris: I've gotta get outta here. This place is stupid. Where am I? Oh, I wanna take Mr. Biggles with me. Linda: [stunned again] With you where? Paris: To live with me forever and ever, you dumb broad. How much? Linda: How much? For Butters? Chris: Butters is our son. He's not for sale. Paris: I'll give you two hundred million dollars for it. [Butters is afraid. Chris spits out his cocoa and puts down his cup] Chris: Escuse me?! Paris: I said I'll give you two hundred million dollars for it! [Chris spits out his cocoa. Linda does so as well. Paris whips out a checkbook and pen] I'll write you a check for Mr. Biggles right now. Linda: Chris, is she serious? Chris: Aj, Butters, why don't you take Paris up to your room for a little while, uh, Mommy and Daddy have to talk. Butters: [while Paris writes out a check] Mom, Dad, I I love you. Please don't sell me to Paris Hilton. Chris: Butters, right now!! [the living room, moments later. Chris paces the floor as Linda watches on.] Linda: We aren't honestly considering this? Chris: Darling, Paris is a billionaire. She can give Butters everything he wants. We'd be terrible parents NOT to consider it. Linda: But he's our son! Chris: I know, darling, but look: we have to think about the rest of the family. Linda: The rest of the f- you do mean us? Chris: Yes, us, the rest of the family. [Upstairs, in Butters' room. The bed looks nice. Paris is now drunk from the Scotch she added to her cocoa.] Paris: What should we do, Mr. Biggles? I drank too much. [falls backward upon the bad] Oh my God, I'm so wasted! [her genitals are exposed] The room's all spinny. I'm... totally passing out. [she falls silent. Butters looks around, then reaches over with his left "paw" and touches her cooter a few times] [South Park Elementary. The class bell rings and kids clear the hall. Cartman is at his locker, and near him stand five girls. Wendy walks up to them] Wendy: Hey Bebe. I heard you were having a party tonight. Bebe: You wouldn't be interested, Wendy. My parents are out of town, so it's a Stupid Spoiled Whore party. Wendy: I'm a stupid spoiled whore. [her dressed is relaxed: blue jeans and pink t*nk top with one bra strap over the right shoulder. The girls laugh at her reply] Annie: Right. Please, Wendy, you're like Class President and stuff! Red: Yeah, and you get straight A's in school! Bebe: You're not even spoiled, because your parents give money to charity! Red: You don't want to go to this party, Wendy! We're inviting all the boys, and we're gonna play Spin the Bottle, and Two Minutes In The Closet, and do ketamine. Wendy: That's okay. Annie: Oh, please, do you even know what ketsmine is? Wendy: Yes. Annie: See? You are too smart. Red: Yeah. We have no idea what ketamine is. Bebe: Sorry Wendy. You're just not a whore. Get lost! Girls: Yeah. [Wendy turns around and walks off sadly. The others laugh at her, then move on to other topics] Red: Hey, we'd better start invitng boys to the party. Sally: Oooo look, here comes Clyde. Bebe: Party at my house tonight, Clyde. You're invited. [Clyde walks by, wondering what these girls are on about] Millie: Mmm, I'd like a piece of that! Red: I wanna do him. Annie: Oh, yeah. Here comes Kyle. [Cartman, still at his locker, looks over. Kyle passes by] Sally: Mmm, talk to me, kosher boy. [Cartman turns around to see what the girls see] Millie: I'd like to swivel his pixie stick. Bebe: Party at my house tonight, Kyle. Annie: Tweek and Jason - that'd be a great three-way. [Tweek and Jason walk by] Red: Yeah, they're invited too. Sally: Jason has a huge bulge. You're gonna get it, boys. Bebe: Now here's what I'm talking about. [Token appears and walks by] A little midngith blue! Millie: Yeah, I'd like to wax his crankshaft! Annie: Be at Bebe's house, tonight, at seven! [Cartman clears his throat, closes his locker, and walks past the girls. Not one of them says a thing.] Sally: Look, here comes Kevin. [Kevin appears and walks by] Bebe: Hey Kevin, party at my house. Millie: I'd like to gargle his marbles. Red: Yeah, you said it. [Cartman runs back along the hall in such a way that the girls don't notice] Sally: See you there, Kev. [Cartman tries again, and the girls notice.] Cartman: "Dude, there's Cartman. We should invite him to the party for sure." [the girls say nothing. Cartman stops, gets angry, and walks back to the first girl he saw, then flips each one of them off. He flips Red off with both hands.] f*ck you Millie, f*ck you Annie, f*ck you Bebe, f*ck you whatever your name is, and f*ck you, bitch! [leaves.] [Butters' room. He's gotten interested in Paris' genitals, poking at her coochie] Butters: Huh. Didn't I... Whoa, that's the darnedest thing I ever saw. [upon hearing a knock on the door, he gasps and stops probing Paris] Chris: Ms. Hilton? Uh, Ms. Hilton. Paris: [awakens and sits up] Eugh. Where am I? Ew! This room's all middle-class and small! Chris: Ms. Hilton, we've talked it over all night and ...while your offer is enticing, I'm afraid we just can't sell you our son for two hundred million dollars. It'll have to be two hundred and fifty million, cash, up front. Butters: Oh hamburgers! Paris: Yay Mr. Biggles, you're mine forever! Butters: [jumps off the bed and runs to Linda] Please! Ah I don't want to live with her! She snores real bad, and she has a huge nose, and a squishy thing that lives in her pants! Please! Please don't sell me to her! [the parents look at each other] Chris: All right, Butters, tell you what: if you can raise the two hundred and fifty million dollars yourself, you can stay. Butters: Uh, well huh, how am I supposed to make that kind of money?? Chris: It's called "working" young man! Your grandfather was a coal miner for fifty years; he never complained! Get out there and start digging! Butters: Y-yes sir! [rushes out of the room] I-I gotta... mine some coal... really fast! Chris: [to Linda] That should keep him busy for a while while we get this transaction finished. Now, Ms. Hilton, how should we start? [they both grin] [Bebe's house, night. The living room is all decked out in disco furnishings. A disco ball hangs from the ceiling and harmless laser beams sh**t here and there. The girls are enjoying themselves while the boys have mixed expressions.] Millie: [stands next to the closet while a crowd of girls looks on] Okay, that's two minutes. You can come out, Clyde, Bab. [the door opens and Bab comes out grinning] How was he, Bab? Bab: [winks at Clyde] We had a great time, didn't we Clyde? Clyde: [walks out crying with his hands rubbing his butt] Aaaaah, owieeee, owieeee. [a knock is heard at the front door and Red goes to answer it.] Cartman: [dressed very casually, with hair slightly unkempt] Oh, hey, What's goin' on? I'm uh, here for the party. Red: [not fooled] Yeah? Who invited you? Cartman: Oh uh uh Kelly. Kelly invited me. Red: Kelly who? Cartman: Kelly Rutherford Menskin. Red: [looks over her shoulder and calls out] Kelly Rutherford Menskin? Kelly Menskin: [approaches the door] Yeah? Red: Did you invite him? Kelly Menskin: No! [goes back inside. Red closes the door on Cartman] Cartman: Oh wait wait wait, aah it wasn't her. That's right, I forgot, it was uh... Kelly Pinkerton Tinfurter Red: [turns around and calls out] Kelly Pinkerton Tinfurter? Kelly Tinfurter: [sharing a wading pool with Token and another girl] What? [Red glares at Cartman] Cartman: [under his breath] Oh Goddamnit! [Mr. Garrison's house, night. The doorbell rings and he goes to answer it. It's raining outside and thunderclaps roll soft and deep] Mr. Garrison: Oh, hello Wendy. Are you all right? Wemdy: No, I need help. Mr. Garrison: From from me? Wemdy: Actually, I was hoping to see your boyfriend. Mr. Garrison: Well sure, come on in. Mr. sl*ve is right over here. [the camera follows them over to Mr. sl*ve, who's dangling from the ceiling like a marionette. He's moaning in pleasure] Mr. sl*ve: Oooooooooooh! Oh Jezuth, Jezuth Christh! Mr. Garrison: Mr. sl*ve, little Wendy from class wants to see you. Mr. sl*ve: Oh, hi Wendy. You need a little help with your math homework? Wendy: Nno, I need help becoming a dirty whore like you Mr. sl*ve: ...Oh dear. Mr. sl*ve, I think you and Wendy better have a little talk. I'll make some cocoa. [The sofa, moments later. Wendy and Mr. sl*ve sit side by side.] Wendy: Mr. sl*ve, you're the most perverted, lewd, depraved slut I know. Mr. sl*ve: Thank you sweetie. Wendy: Can you teach me your secret fast? Mr. sl*ve: Honey, I didn't work to become a whore, I was born a whore. I've been one... ever since I can remember. [a sh*t of the toddler sl*ve crawling around on a bed] Ever since I was a little boy I seemed to enjoy... different things. Little sl*ve: Mommy, I think I have a fever. Can you take my temperature? [his mom approaches and sticks a thermometer up his butt] Oooo, Jezuth Christh. [grins] Mr. sl*ve: As I got older, I felt that one boy was never enough. Boy sl*ve: [sees a football practice and fakes a call] Hey, there's that q*eer kid. Let's tackle him! [holds out his arms and waits for the tackle] Kid: Hey yeah, tackle the q*eer kid! [the players g*ng up on him. He seems to love the punishment] We'll show you, q*eer! Boy sl*ve: Oooooooooooh! Oooooooooooh! Jezuth Christh! Mr. sl*ve: So you see, I can't make you into a whore, Wendy. But why would you want to be one anyway? Wendy: Because all the other girls are. They're having a huge sex party right now and I'm not invited. Mr. sl*ve: A what?? For God's sake, where?? [Butters' house, outside. Butters is at the side of the house shoveling dirt from a mound] Butters: You work eighteen hours and what do you get? Parents sell ya to Paris Hilton. [a blue car pulls up alongside and stops] Man: Look at that. A bear, mining for coal. Woman: Well. I never. [the car moves on. Butters' parents, Paris, and her driver approach him] Chris: Well Butters, how'd it go? Did you dig up two hundred million dollars' worth of coal? Butters: Well, no, not quite. Chris: Oh, well, too bad. [shows off the check] Ms. Hilton did raise the money, so you'll be going off with her. Butters: [throws away his shovel] Well ah, shucks! [moments later he follows Paris into the limo] Linda: Bye, sweetie, we love you! [Inside the limo, Paris gets her camera and aims...] Paris: Smile Mr. Biggles! This time I have to get a picture of my new pet BEFORE anything happens. [snaps a picture] Butters: Before what happens? [gets no answer, so looks around and sees her "MY PETS" photo album. He picks it up and leafs through it] [The sh*ts are gruesome. First up is Tinkerbell, with the g*n and blood splattered all over the place; then Patches, a French poodle that hung itself, shown dangling from the noose; then Scrambles, a dog that somehow managed to slit its front paws, lying in a bathtub full of water and blood; then Cuddles, a dog that committed hara kiri] AAAAAAAAAAAH! [throws the book away and gets out of the limo as fast as he could and runs away.] Paris: [exits the limo] Mr. Biggles! Mr. Biggles, come back! [Butters' parents approach] You'd better help me find him! No Mr. Biggles, no money! [takes away the check] Chris: Oh that troublemaking son of ours! Butters! Butters, you get back here or you are grounded, mister! [Bebe's house, night. The party is still going strong. One Kelly, who had earlier been with Token, is chasing Kyle. Red is coming on to Stan. Annie chases Kenny down and catches him. In general, the guys are being chased down by the girls. Millie chases Tweek. Mr. sl*ve kicks the front door open and enters with Wendy. Cartman appears behind then and enters.] Mr. sl*ve: Oh Jezuth! [turns on the light] Kids, kids! Annie: Ew, potty mouth! Red: Shut off the light. Stan: Oh, thank God. Mr. sl*ve: Girls, what on earth are you doing? Bebe: We're being stupid spoiled whores. [grins] Butters: [rushes in] H-help! You've gotta hide me! [opens the closet door and enters] Uh don't tell her I'm in here! [closes the door] Bebe: What did you do, Wendy?! Go rat on us because you're not invited to our Paris Hilton party?! Mr. sl*ve: Okay, I think this has all gone far enough! Now look, the last person you want to be like is Paris Hilton! Paris: [approaches the house and enters] Mr. Biggles! Mr. sl*ve: [unaware] Paris Hilton is a nobody! She may have money, but she's a thoughtless, talentless lowlife! Paris: Who the f*ck are you calling a lowlife?! Bebe: Wow, Paris Hilton is at my party! I rule! Butters: [bolts out of the closet] HAAAAH! [Bab looks out from the closet, grinning] Mr. sl*ve: Hon, will you just tell these girls that being a whore isn't such a great thing. Paris: What isn't great about it? What's more to life than partying? Mr. sl*ve: Look girls, I've partied a lot. Okay? And I'm telling you, there's more to life. Paris: You don't even know what partying is, loser. [brushes him off] Mr. sl*ve: Sweetie, really, don't go there, okay? Paris: Oh I went there. I went there, took some pictures, and flew back already. Girls: Ooooo! Annie: Wow, what a bitch. [smiles] Mr. sl*ve: Sweetie, listen, I know you've done some partying in your private little rich life, but you don't even wanna know the kind of stuff I've done. I'm the real whore, and I'm telling you, it isn't great. Paris: Oh yeah?! I challenge you to a whore-off! Girls: Ooooo! Men: [popping up out of nowhere] Whore-off! Whore-off! [South Park's Whore-off. A gazebo is set up for the event in South Park Square. A crowd gathers] Official: Ahh testing? Hello? [taps the mic a few times] Okay uh, welcome everyone. Uhh the South Park Chamber of Commerce is pleased to bring you the first annual "Who Is The Biggest Whore" showdown. [the crowd cheers] Bebe: Mr. sl*ve has no idea what he's in for. Red: Paris is gonna rock his world. Official: Ahhh I'm... not quite sure how we... start this competition off, but uh- Paris: [gets off her chair and walks over to the mic] I'll show ya how we start it off. [the music starts and she kisses him hard] Crowd: Ohhh! [the girls are grinning, Wendy looks at the girls' reactions. Paris then has five men on stage with her, and one of them is licking her leg. Mr. sl*ve simply observes] Wendy: [approaches Stan and friends, and Mr. Garrison] What is Mr. sl*ve doing? He he's just sitting there. Mr. Garrison: Give him time, Wendy. Give him time. [cheers him on softly] Come on, Mr. sl*ve. Paris: [throws the men off] Back off! None of you losers are enough for me! [whips out a pineapple from behind her back and stuffs it up her vagina] Eeeaaagh. Oh yeah. Aaaargh. [some gasps] Tada! [the crowd cheers and fireworks go off] Randy: Oh no she di'int. [the crown continues cheering] [Mr. sl*ve makes his move: he gets off his chair and walks over to Paris, then moves her around till he's satisfied she's where he wants her to be. The crowd falls silent and Mr. sl*ve walks back to his chair.] Mr. sl*ve: [dusts himself off and coughs] Jezuth. [takes off his pants and takes a running leap towards Paris. He lands on her head and proceeds to swallow her up through his ass, with each swallow accompanied by a grunt. The first swallow takes her head; the second, her chest; the third, her abdomen and lower back; and the fourth takes the rest of her body.] Ohoho, Jezuth. [the girls are stunned at what they just saw. Tha adults, the boys, and Wendy all cheer] Mr. Garrison: Now, that's a whore! [Stan and friends are still stunned. Mr. sl*ve goes back to his chair and puts on his pants] Bebe: Wow, I guess Paris isn't such hot shit after all. Mr. sl*ve: People, don't applaud me. I'm a dirty whore. [the crowd falls silent] Being spoiled and stupid and whorish is supposed to be a bad thing, remember? Parents, if you don't teach your children that people like Paris Hilton are supposed to be despised, where are they gonna learn it? You have to be the- [feels something in his stomach] ooohooho, Jezuth Christh. You have to be the ones to make sure your daughters aren't looking up to the wrong people. Mr. Stevens: The h*m* is right. From now on, Bebe, you're going to dress like a little girl. [the crowd disperses and the girls walk up to Wendy] Bebe: Wendy, we're sorry we called you names. Like not-stupid and not-spoiled. Red: Yeah, and I didn't mean to say you weren't a whore. Wendy: That's okay, you guys. [Butters and his family are shown next] Chris: So- so that's it? No two hundred million dollars? Well, Butters, I hope you're happy! Butters: [turns right and walks away] I'm a bad bear. I'm a very bad old bear. Chris: You're grounded, old bear. [Deep within Mr. sl*ve's intestine, Paris is trying to claw her way out] Paris: Oh my God, it's so gross! Let me out of here! [a light comes on in front of her - it's the Frog King] What the f*ck is that? Frog King: Paris, you must find the way out of this place or you'll surely die. Paris: What? Frog King: Make your way to the small intestine. There you will meet the Sparrow Prince, who can guide you to Catatafish. Now go, Paris Hilton. Make haste! [disappears] [End of Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset. Some singers sing the following song as Paris begins her journey: A great adventure is waiting for you ahead. Hurry onward Paris Hilton or you will soon be d*ad. The road ahead is filled with danger and fright But push onward, Paris Hilton, with all of your might. Paris Hilton... Paris Hilton Paris Hilton Paris Hilton... Paris Hilton Paris Hilton Paris Hilton... Paris Hilton Paris Hilton Stupid whore! ]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "08x12 - Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset"}

foreverdreaming

[Cartman's yard, side of the house, day. The fourth grade boys are gathered there for some reason] Clyde: I don't know, that looks pretty high up. Butters: Yeah. I think it'd be better to start lower. Stan: Dude, I really don't think it's smart, Cartman. [Cartman is shown at the edge of the roof wearing wings made from cardboard] Cartman: This is gonna be totally cool, you guys. Stan: It's not gonna work; just come down from there. Cartman: [assessing the situation] ...Geez, this looks a lot higher from up here. Kyle: [arrives in time to see Cartman's attempt] What's going on? Stan: Cartman thinks he can fly off of his roof. [Kyle looks up to see what the others see. Cartman looks down] Kyle: Do it! Do it! Cartman: I'm gonna. Craig: I wouldn't if I were you. Token: Those wings don't look very strong. Kyle: Don't listen to 'em, Cartman! I'm sure it'll work. Go for it. Yaaay Cartman! Fly fly fly! Cartman: Okay, here we go. [steps forward and gets ready to launch himself] Since the days of Copernicus, man has dreamed of flight. On this historic day, let us go on to Kyle: Awww, go on and do it already! Cartamn: Hold on, I'm givin' my speech! On this historic day, we remember the Wright Brothers: Orville and Redenbacher, whose dreams and visions inspired generations. Stan: [to Kenny] He's not gonna do it. Cartman: And now, again, one man's vision ushers in a new era of aerial travel, proving the power of imagination and intellect. The magic... of flight! [he flaps his cardboard wings a few times to get some lift, then jumps off the roof. He heads straight for the ground and lands on his face with a grunt. All the boys are shocked and stand there frozen for several seconds. Stan is the first to leave, then Kyle, then the rest of them. Only Butters remains, and he turns to watch the others leave. After a few seconds of uncertainty, he leaves too.] [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Cartman is in a recovery room with bruises on his face and a black left eye. The medical staff attends him. Outside, Mrs. Cartman appears and rushes in to see Cartman] Liane: Oh my God! Eric! Eric, [caresses him] Mommy's here. Sweetie? [notices Dr. Kels] Oh what's wrong with him? Dr. Kels: I'm afraid that your son is... incredibly stupid. He thought he could fly with cardboard wings. The stupidity is so severe that it caused a fall, which has... put him into a deep coma. Liane: Coma... My God, for- for how long? Dr. Kels: There's no telling. He may never recover. We'll just have to wait. And see. [the camera looks at Cartman, then pans up and fades out] [Hell's Pass, some time later. The camera pans down back onto Cartman, who is now covered in facial hair and a bandage around his head.] Singers: Seasons change, time passes by. As the weeks become the months become the years. Cartman: Eugh... [sits up, his eyes still closed.] Liane: [stands up and drops her book] Oh my... Doctor! [Cartman blinks] He's awake! [the doctor and nurse return] Cartman: Wheh? Where am I? Liane: Oh, you've finally come back! It's a miracle! Dr. Kels: You're at the hospital, Eric. You've... been in a coma for some time. Cartman: Coma... How long? Dr. Kels: It's been two days. Nurse, you can remove his face-warmer now. Nurse: Yse, Doctor. [tugs at the facial hair and it comes off.] Dr. Kels: Now, Eric, you've suffered massive head traume. Your road to recovery will be long and arduous. At least another two days. [a sh*t of the hospital's exterior, then back to the recovery room, where Liane is giving Cartman a glass of chocolate milk] Singers: Seasons change, time passes by. As the weeks become the months become the years. Liane: You're doing so much better, muffin. Cartman: Why the hell do I have to share my room with other patients? This is bullcrap! Liane: Oh, you're sounding just like your old self again. Dr. Kels: [at another patient's bed] I'm sorry, detectives, there was nothing we could do. Detective: Damnit! Another m*rder victim! For three years the Left-Hand k*ller has been at large and I've exhausted every lead! Maybe... I just don't have what it takes to be a cop anymore. Murphy: We'd better get back to the station, sir. Cartman: Good, because you assholes have kept me up for three hours! Detective: All right, let's go, Murphy. Hang on a second, where are, where are my car keys? Cartman: Probably in your front pocket, dumbass! Detective: [fishes around in the front shirt pocket and is surprised to find them there, then turns to the doctor] Doctor, didn't you say that kid suffereed head trauma? Dr. Kels: Yes, it was pretty severe. Murphy: What is it, Lou? Lou: I've... heard cases where people suffering head trauma awaken to some psychic abilities. Murphy: Aw, come on, sir. Lou: I know it's ridiculous [turns right and walks off], but I'm gonna explore every possibility I can. [Murphy follows. They arrive at Cartman's bed] Hello, young man, could we have a quick word with you? Cartman: Not now! The nurse is gonna walk in any minute with my lunch. Nurse 2: Twelve-thirty, Eric. Lunch time. [the officers are amazed at how timely the nurse came with the lunch] Lou: Young man, how did you know the nurse was gonna walk in just now? Cartman: I don't know, I just knew it. [receives the tray from the nurse and sniffs] Aww man, this smells like meatloaf. Again?! Nurse 2: Yep, meatload again. [the officers get a little frightened] Murphy: Jesus, how did he...? Lou: Little boy... [whispers to himself] Well it's a snowball's chance in hell but... [back to Cartman] we were wondering if you could come down and see if your... new powers could help us catch the k*ller. Liane: His new... powers? [Stark's Pond, newly restored from the demolished Wall*Mart, much bigger than it was before, night. A crime scene at the docks is shown, complete with boat floating around] Female Detective: All right, make sure you get pictures of everything in this crime scene. [one detective takes pictures, another handles evidence gingerly. Nearby, a police tape is lifted so Cartman could check out the scene] Officer 1: Who's the kid? Officer 2: He's supposed to be some kind of psychic. Officer 1: Aw Christ. Lou: [with Murphy, Liane, and Cartman] This is... where the body was found. [overhead sh*t] Multiple s*ab wounds, just like all the others. Cartman: How come the outline is missing its hand? Murphy: The k*ller always cuts off the left hand of his victim, and keeps it as a trophy. [Cartman walks around the outline, inspecting it.] Lou: Stand back, give him room! [moves to hold the crowd back] Come on, kid, concentrate! What do you see in your mind? [Cartman begins to concentrate and his eyes begin to twitch. First he sees a muffing with chocolate topping and sprinkles, then powdered doughnuts, then a cup of vanilla ice cream - with sprinkles being added] Cartman: Ice cream. Covered with... chocolate sprinkles... [he sees a hand holding Double-Stuff Oreo] Double-Stuff Oreos... [a second hand comes up and twists off the lower cookie] He ... He's taking the top of one and... [squeezes his eyes closed and sees another Oreo attached to the first one so there are two fillings between the cookies] ...and he puts it together to make Quadruple-Stuffs! [the detective writes down what Cartman is supposedly seeing] I see...ice cream, and sprinkles, and Quadruple-Stuffs! Lou: Jesus Christ! Murphy: Sir? Lou: Tom Johannsen, the owner of the ice cream shop! [Mr. Johansen's house, night. The detectives ring his doorbell and he answers] Mr. Johansen: Yes? Oh, hello, detectives. Lou: Mr. Johansen, could we have a quick word with you? Mr. Johansen: Wuhsure, come on in. [he backs up and leads them in. The lead detectives calls in some officers hidden nearby, and they come in] I'm afraid the house is a little bit of a disaster area since I have Lou: Get him! [the officers tackle Mr. Johansen and b*at him harshly with their batons] Code 6! Code 6! Officer 3: Use the taser! Use the taser! [another officer fires a taser into Mr. Johansen, who then convulses and falls to the floor] Officer 4: Do it again! [the officer shocks Mr. Johansen again, causing more convulsions] [Mr. Johansen's house outside, front. Police cars and vans have gathered outside and the siren lights are still rotating] Officer 5: He put up a hell of a fight, but we got him! Mr. Johansen: Why? Why?? [the officers haul him away] Lou: Congratulations, Eric. You just stopped the biggest k*ller in South Park history. Murphy: We would give you a reward, but I guess that knowing the people of South Park are safe again is reward enough. Cartman: Guess again. Murphy: [walks over and hands him some money] All right, here's a hundred dollars. Cartman: Wow! Lou: [to Liane] His powers are uncanny. Take good care of him, Ms. Cartman. Make sure he uses his powers for good. Liane: Oh he will. My little poopsiekins is a very good little boy. [South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Cartman runs down the hall dressed in a bath robe and using a cane] Cartman: I'm a psychic and you are worse. I have super-awesome powers. You don't. Kyle: [walks up. Other kids gather behind him] Cartman, what did you do?! Cartman: Oh, didn't you hear, Kyle? I used my new psychic abilities to catch the serial k*ller. And I made a hundred bucks! [shows off the money] Kyle: Nice old Mr. Johansen runs a candy shop! He wasn't a k*ller and you know it! Cartman: Then why did I see ice cream and cookies when I closed my eyes? Kyle: Because you're a f*cking fatass, that's why?! Cartman: Do not doubt my powers, Kyle! Kyle: You don't have any powers! Cartman: Don't make me do it, Kyle! I can make your head explode with a single thoght! Butters: Wuh be careful, Kyle. Kyle: He can't do crap! Cartman: Fine, Kyle! You asked for it! Hee-at! [closes his eyes and starts making sound effects and hand motions. The boys behind Kyle except Stan and Kenny scatter, and the detectives spot him as they enter the school.] Lou: There he is! Hey, Eric! [they approach him, he turns around] We've got a little problem. Cartman: What? Lou: While the ice-cream store owner was in jail, another m*rder was commited. Murphy: This body also had a missing hand and a bowl of corn flakes next to it! Lou: Which can only mean one thing! Kyle: Ha! You see?! Lou: That a copycat k*ller is on the loose! We need your psychic abilities to catch this new guy right away! Kyle: What?! Murphy: We'll pay you up front this time! We've gotta catch this new guy before he kills again. Cartman: I'm afraid that my powers... are not for sale. ...And by that I mean they absolutely are for sale. Let's go! [Field report] Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in a meadow just outside of town where police have discovered the first victim of the serial copycat k*ller. Child wunderkind Eric Cartman is now arriving on the scene. [Cartman approaches the body, which is covered with a red blanket] [The crime scene] Kyle: This is f*ck' ridiculous! Lou: Whattaya got, wunderkind? Are ya seeing anything? Cartman: No. Nothing. Officer 6: Maybe his powers have left him. Officer 7: Yeah. Cartman: Wait a minute. [his right arm twitches and he sees a bucket of chicken, then sees some chicken served next to the powdered doughnuts he saw earlier. His eyes are squeezed tight.] Fried chicken. It's tender and it's fresh. [sees some syrup poured onto the chicken] There's maple syrup... Maple syrup's being put on the chicken. Kyle: What the hell is wrong with these people?! Weird Man: [in robe and cap] They're never gonna catch the serial k*ller. He's too smart. Do you want to see my cotton panties? [whips open his robe to reveal himself dressed in a yellow bikini. The boys look on, a little afraid] Kyle: Hey! What about this guy?! Murphy: Quiet! He's havin' a vision! Cartman: It is fried chicken! [first he sees a plate of fried chicken, then the maple syrup, then some whipped cream, then some chocolate syrup, then a cherry on top...] Oh my God. It's a fried chicken sundae. Weird Man: [brings out a mannequin torso and head and strikes up a conversation with it] "Junior, what are you doing out?" I'm sorry, Mother. "You come home rigtht now and have sex with me!" No, Mommy! [goes away] Kyle: Hey, uh, does anyone know who that guy is?! Lou: I said quiet, you little brat, or I'll have you arrested for interfering with the law! [The News 4 logo and screen come up on a TV] Announcer: This is Park County News 4, with your host, Jim Brown-ish Jim Brown: The copycat k*ller of the cut-off-the-left-hand k*ller has been arrested. Police used the help of Eric Cartman, a wunderkind psychic detective. At the crime scene, the young psychic had visions flash before his mind, and the police immiedately arrested the owner of Kentucky Fried Chicken. The young man's visions were so astounding that other police departments have sought out his help. [Cartman's house, day. He's in his room counting the money he's made from his psychic work] Cartman: If I'm happy and I know it, clap my hands. *clap* *clap* If I'm happy and I know it, clap my hands. *clap* *clap* [someone knocks on his door, then the door opens] Liane: Eric, sweetie, there's um, some people here to see you. Cartman: More people need to make use of my phenomenal gifts, huh? Ahhh, it's so very tiring. Liane: Ah, no, these people claim that they are the "real" psychic detectives. [Cartman stops counting money and freezes] [Living room, moments later. Liane and Cartman enter] Female Psychic 1: So, you are the little boy who's been taking all our work?! Liane: Oooh, I'll go make some tea. Male Psychic 1: Kid, we have a problem. You didn't go through the proper channels to become a psychic detective like we all did. Other psychics: Yeah! Cartman: Proper channels? Male Psychic 2: You were supposed to fill out the form on the back of the comic book and pay the twenty five dollar fee for the degree from the Psychic Detective School. [shows the ad in question. Looks nice] Cartman: I was given my gift from a tragic accident. I didn't need to go to Psychic Detective School. Male Psychic 1: Well you just can't say you're a psychic detective, you have to use the ad in the comic book! Female Psychic 1: You must pay the twenty five dollar fee and give us ten percent of yoru earnings! Cartman: [laughs at them] Ten percent my balls, get lost! Female Psychic 1: Very well, then you give us no choice. Roger? [Roger steps out from behind the sofa and prepares to battle Cartman psychically. Cartman simply observes, then responds. He and Roger battle with sound effects and hand gestures] Female Psychic 1: All right everyone! [the rest of the psychics join in the battle against Cartman.] Liane: Oh, poopsies, what's going on? Cartman: Stand back, mother! We're having a telekinetic battle of minds! Liane: O-o-o-o-o-oh! [prostrates herself] Female Psychic 1: Enough! [one male psychic is slow to respond] We are ...obviously quite evenly matched. I guess this will have to be settled in court. Cartman: In court? Female Psychic 1: We brought a class-action lawsuit against you! We'll see you before the judge tomorrow! [the psychics turn and walk out] Liane: Is it over? [the front door closes after the last psychic leaves] [A camera shutter is heard and a picture of Ms. Crabtree appears, with blood next to her left cheek. It looks like someone sh*t her through the side of the head and her left hand is missing. A detectuve continues taking pictures] Murphy: [reading from a fact sheet] Her name is... Veronica Crabtree, busdriver for the elementary school. She was considered an ancillary character, one the fans wouldn't miss much. Lou: Jesus Christ! Cause of death? Murphy: Same MO, sir. Multiple s*ab wounds, left hand cut off and missing. Lou: So you're telling me somebody new is now copying the crimes of the copycat k*ller?! Jesus! Where will it end?! [goes to a nearby tree to think] Every time I put a k*ller behind bars, another guy just steps in and takes his place! What am I doing wrong?! Kyle: [arriving with Stan and Kenny] Excuse me, sir? I think I know who did this. We saw this guy at the last crime scene, and, and you know how serial K*llers sometimes return to the scene of the crime? Well, I followed this guy to his house, and when he left again, I collected some fingerprints and did a blood-sample analysis. [holds out his findings] I'm pretty sure he's your man. Lou: [coolly] How do you know?? Are you psychic?? Kyle: No. Lou: Look, kid, don't waste my time with your blood-sampling fingerprinty hocus-pocus! I have to find this new k*ller now! I owe it to that victim over there! I know she hadn't been in any recent episodes, but DAMNIT she deserved better than this! Come on, Murph, we've gotta talk to Eric Cartman again! [leaves with Murphy] Kyle: Why won't anybody listen to me?! Kenny: [pats Kyle on the shoulder] (Don't take it personally, Kyle) Kyle: [shrugs Kenny off] I AM taking it personally because Cartman is a ret*rd! Just because he h*t his head and went into a coma doesn't mean he's a- Wait, that's it. If I want people to listen to me, I just have to be as stupid as Cartman. [Kyle's house, later. Kyle is standing at the edge of the roof at the side of his house, sporting his own cardboard wings] Stan: Dude, I really don't think that's a good idea! Token: There has to be another way! Kyle: Be sure to take me to the same hospital! Butters: Now Kyle, don't fly too close to the sun, or it'll burn your wings, an- and you'll crash into the ocean. Stan: [under his breath] Butters, Goddamnit. Kyle: All right, here we go. [spreads his wings] Since the days of Copernicus, man has dreamed of flight. On this historic day we rerme- aw screw it! [jumps off and lands on the ground below] Stan: [a few moments later, sighs] Call an ambulance. [Channel 4 News. A picture of handcuffs is shown, with "ARRESTS MADE" above it] Jim Brown: Multiple arrests were made today for the m*rder of Hillary Neals. Police raided the South Park Motel 6 at 4 a.m., where seven psychic detectives were staying. [footage of the arrests is shown. Two of them are beaten, a third is slammed against a squad car until the side of her head begins to bleed, and a fourth holds police at bay. He tries to fight them with his powers, but they simply open f*re and k*ll him where he stands] The psychic detectives' horrible crime was found out by psychic detective Eric Cartman [shown in dramatic pose with psychic waves emanating from his forehead], who is now the only psychic not behind bars. What an amazing coincidence. [Cartman watches the news from the sofa in the living room at his house] Cartman: Cool. [the doorbell rings and Cartman concentrates] Ah, Kyle is at the door. Come in, Kyle! [the door opens and the weird man from the crime scenes enters and approaches Cartman] Who are you? Weird Man: You, you give everyone else credit for my work, because you fail to see my greatness. Cartman: ... 'K. Sweet. Weird Man: Because of you, nobody knows the extent of my deeds. Cartman: Oh yeah. Awesome. Hold on, just a second. [hops off the sofa, walks away a bit, and calls out] Mom, there's some homeless guy here. Make him go away. [the weird man quickly advances and smothers Cartman's face with a cloth, making it hard for Cartman to breath. Cartman passes out.] [Next scene is an unknown place. Cartman is strapped down to a wheelchair. He awakens and struggles a bit] Cartman: Hey. Hey, what's goin' on?? Weird Man: You are obviously a big fan of my work. Cartman: I don't even know you dude! Weird Man: But I am the serial k*ller! The one whose rightful place in history you have smirched! Cartman: Oh Jesus. Weird Man: And now you will have a place of honor, as my nineteenth victim. Cartman: No! No, you don't wanna k*ll me. Please, I'll give you anything you want! Weird Man: Before you die, let me show you the things that I've done, so you will understand the breadth of my transformation! [starts up a slideshow projector] This... is me at the grand canyon. [shows a sh*t of him there] Do you see? This is me at Mount Rushmore [the next picture is shown, with him looking lovingly at the faces there] Do you see? Cartman: [nervously] Heheh. Weird Man: Do you see?? Cartman: Yes yes, I see! [another Mount Rushmore picture is shown, with the man looking at the camera this time] Weird Man: Here I am at the Alamo in San Antonio. [this time he looks psychotic, with his hands ready to grab something] This was just outside of the gift shop. Do you see?? Cartman: AAAAAAAH! [Park County Police Station, night] Lou: [hangs up the phone] Damnit! Damnit all to hell! They just found another body! That means a fifth copycat k*ller is on the loose! Where's my psychic?! Female Detective: Sorry, Sarge, the psychic's mom says her son hasn't been home for a couple of hours. Officer 8: Sir! Dr. Kels just called from the hospital! He says another little boy just awoke from a coma, and is having psychic visions! Sgt. Lou: [grabs his hat] Let's go! [other officers follow] [Hell's Pass Hospital, later. Dr. Kels leads them into the recovery room] Dr. Kels: This is the young man here. He was in a coma for over sixteen hours. [a sh*t of Kyle with a bandage around his head. He too has a face warmer on, but no black eye like Cartman had] Sgt. Lou: Doctor, could you remove his face warmer? We'd like to speak with him. Dr. Kels: Of course. Nurse? [a brunette approaches and removes the warner. Sgt. Lou and Det. Murphy approach the bed] Sgt. Lou: Young man, the doctor said you've had some... visions about our newest m*rder? Kyle: I see... a man... with a baseball cap. [Sgt. Lou snaps his fingers and Det. Murphy whips out a notepad and pen and starts taking notes. Kyle concentrates] He's k*lling now... Oh! I'm seeing it all flash before my eyes! The guy's name is Michael Deets, and he lives at 621 Castillo Street. He's usually there between seven and eleven p.m. Sgt. Lou: What do you think, Mitch? Murphy: I don't know. How do we know this kid is really psychic? I mean, this boy is certainly no Eric Cartman. [Kyle clenches his teeth in rage] Sgt. Lou: All right, we'll check this Deets guy out. But let's use that one thing that we never use. Murphy: ...Sir? Sgt. Lou: You know, what's that one thing that starts with an R that we never use? Murphy: ...Restraint? Sgt. Lou: Yeah yeah, restraint. We'll check this guy out, but let's use some restraint. [they leave] [Mr. Deets' basement. He's still showing Cartman his slides] Mr. Deets: Look! Look at the things I've done! Here I am at Yellowstone National Park! [shows off the picture] Do you see?! Here are pictures of my trip to Cheyenne for Frontier Days. Do you see?! Cartman: Oh my God! I'm so bored! Somebody help me! [the doorbell is heard. The two detectives are outside, Sgt. Lou ringing the doorbell. Mr. Deets opens the door] Sgt. Lou: Good evening, sir. We're Park County detectives. We were just wondering if we could take a quick look around your house, Misterrr... Mr. Deets: God. Sgt. Lou: Well Mr. God, it won't take but a second; it might help us with an investigation. [he shows them in. The house is dark, with stacks of paper everywhere. Pictures of his victims line the walls. Downstaris, Cartman tries to get attention.] Cartman: (Hey! Come over here!) Sgt. Lou: I see you like cutting the eyes out of photos of women. My son is a big fan of that too. Murphy: Sarge! In here! [Lou runs into the next room. They both face a wall of left hands nailed in place] Sgt. Lou: Jesus H.... That boy was right! Arrest that guy! [Murphy gets right on it. Lou thinks about the hands] Whoawhoawaitwaitheywait wait yo! Oh wait a minute, no ah, I'm wrong. Murphy: Sir? Sgt. Lou: This isn't the guy. The serial k*ller always cuts off the victims' left hands. Murphy: Right. Sgt. Lou: Well those aren't left hands. [holds up his own left hand, palm in] See, on your left hand, the thumb faces to the left. Those are all right hands. Murphy: Ohhh. [they return to the living room] Sgt. Lou: Nope, this isn't our man. [they turn to leave the house and see Mr. Deets in the shadows] We're sorry, Mr. God. It appears we've wasted your time. [they head out] Cartman: [in the basement] (Hey! Get me out of here!) [upstairs, Mr. Deets closes the front door] Murphy: Heh, pretty amazing coincidence that guy had a bunch of hands on his wall. Heh, no wonder that boy thought he was a k*ller. Sgt. Lou: [stops and thinks] Yeah... Amazing coincidence... Murphy: [backs up] Heh- sir? Sgt. Lou: Call it police intuition, but sonethin' in there just didn't feel right. [thinks for several seconds] Wait a minute. Murphy: Sarge... [Lou slowly raises his hand palm in and analyzes it. Then he turns his hand over slowly until the palm is out and is jolted with recognition] What is it? Sgt. Lou: I'm not sure. I'm gonna have to run some tests. [runs off to do just that] [Park County Police Station, night. Montage. Lou types away at his computer, then analyzes his left hand again, then returns to the keyboard. He then goes to the lab and looks over his notes. Next to him are two hands, one right and one left. He rotates the right hand so both thumbs point to the left, from his POV, then takes more notes. He develops some pictures in the darkroom and finds matching hands. He works with a 3D model drawing with another computer, then traces his left hand on a wall and takes measurements. He returns to the lab and works with some chemicals. Next he chops some firewood into smaller chunks. Next he's at a gym jumping rope. Next he's at a beach far from South Park playing volleyball with some women. Next he's repairing the body of a car with a welding torch...] Sgt. Lou: [back at the station, looks in on Murphy] Murphy, do you remember what I was supposed to be doing? Murphy: Oh. Uhhh... Oh. Something about hands, sir? Uh for the serial k*ller? Sgt. Lou: [snaps his fingers] Oh right! The hands! Right! [the montage resumes] [Again he goes to his computer and types awaym then he's back at the lab taking pictures of the two fake hands there, then makes silhouettes of a dog, then models another hand in the computer and gets a match] Sgt. Lou: Oh my God. Murphy! [Murphy appears quickly.] You're not gonna believe this. [Mr. Deets' house, basement. Mr. Deets has resumed showing his pictures to Cartman. A picture of him at Ocean World's Splash Zone is shown, then a blank. He turns the projector off] Mr. Deets: That's it, no more pictures. [walks in front of Cartman and faces him, then pulls out a sharp Kn*fe] Time to die. Cartman: No, please! I'm sorry I gave other people credit for your killings. Ahah, it was, it was very wrong for me to lie about the other psychics and get them arrested. Mr. Deets: Your hand will be one with the others. Cartman: Please just let me go! Ah I'm gonna tell everyone I'm not really psychic! I've learned my lesson! Please, I don't wanna- [spots the detectives descend the stairs and approach the room] I don't wanna have to use my psychic mind m*ssile on you! [begins to concentrate and make noises] Sgt. Lou: Hold it right there, k*ller! [Mr. Deets turns and rushes at them with the Kn*fe. Lou fires three sh*ts into him, k*lling him. The detectives advance, and Lou fires a forth sh*t into the body, looks around, and fires a fifth sh*t, getting blood splattered on himself] Cartman: You got here just in time. He was gonna k*ll me because he was insanely jealous of my incredible psychic ability. [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The detectives, the psychics, Cartman, Stan, and Kenny] Sgt. Lou: Well young man, you did an amazing thing. Not only did your psychic visions help us catch the k*ller, but a lot of innocent people are out of jail. Male Psychic 3: Yes, thank you very much, Kyle. Female Psychic: Yes, thanks. Murphy: You're certainly a better psychic then Eric. Kyle: No, don't you see? Cartman never had psychic visions. And neither do these people. The plain simple truth is that nobody is psychic. There's a logical explanation for every psychic story you've ever heard. Murphy: Do you think that's true? Sgt. Lou: It must be true. The kid is psychic. [thinks a moment] But I don't suppose it really matters much. Because in the end, the way I caught the k*ller was with... good old-fashioned police work. Come on, Murphy. [they leave the room and then the hospital] Female Psychic: [addressing Cartman] Well young man, I guess that just leaves one score to settle. Cartman: You can't hurt me. Male Psychic 1: Then let this be our final battle! [the psychics face Cartman once again and battle him with their power. Nothing happens, but there's a lot of noise.] Kyle: [irritated] Just stop it! [at the top of his lungs] Stoopp iitt!! [the lights go out as the bulbs shatter, then the shelf above his bed falls and everything on it hits the floor. The psychics and Cartman stop their battle and witness all this] There's a logical explanation for that. [End of Cartman's Incredible Gift.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "08x13 - Cartman's Incredible Gift"}

foreverdreaming

[A panoramic view of South Park, day. Holiday music is heard in the background, and the scenes are played out as the narrator mentions them] Narrator: Way up in the mountains in a small little town, The Main Street was being decorated all up and down. People stood in long lines, sometimes waiting hours or more, Because Christmas need to be bought in a store. But out in the forest, not too far away... [A nearby forest. The camera pans down from the sky and rest upon a Christmas tree. Forest animals gather round and decorate it.] Narrator: ...The little woodland critters were also preparing for their Christmas day. Woodland Critters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year. We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near. A Woodland Critter Christmas! Narrator: The little critters worked hard as they happily sang And each one of them had a quite interesting name There was Squirrely the squirrel, Rabbity the rabbit, Beavery the beaver, and Beary the bear Porcupiney the porcupine, Skunky the skunk, Foxy the fox, and Deery the deer Woodpeckery the woodpecker, Mousey the mouse, and Chickadee-y the chickadee, all made the forest their house. And on that magical day, stumbling upon all of that, was a surprised little boy, in a red poofball hat. Stan: [walks by with a sled] What the hell? Singer: Christmastime is once a year Every critter holds it dear Every animal big or small Christmas means so much to us all [The forest. The critters approach Stan.] Rabbity: Well hello there. Welcome to our forest. Skunky: How do you like our Christmas tree? Stan: It's... nice. Beavery: Why, it's the most perfect tree in the forest! [the other cheer] Mousey: Oh no, I see a problem. Deery: What is it, Mousey? Mousey: Our Christmas tree doesn't have a star. Critters: Ohhhh Beary: We can't have a tree with no star on it. Rabbity: What are we gonna do? Squirrely: Now don't be down, y'all. Maybe our new friend can help us find a star. Critters: [among other things] Can you really? Oh would you please? Could you help us? Stan: Okay, okay. Critters: [cheering] Yay!! Narrator: And so, using some paper and working with glee, the boy in the red poofball hat made a star for the tree Critters: Ohhhh Beary: It's the nicest star I ever saw. Narrator: The little critters cheered and Beavery said with a smile Beavery: How would you like to sing and dance with us for a while? Narrator: The boy in the red poofball hat smiled and said Stan: [didn't smile] Uh, no thanks, I'm gonna go home. [turns around, picks up the reins on his sled and walks off] Beavery: Goo, goodbye Stanny! Critters: Goodbye, Stanny! Bye! Cya! I'll buy your hat! Stan: Wugh. [Stan's bedroom, night. He's asleep in bed, but wakes up, turns over, and turns on his light] Critters: Hi, Stanny! Stan: Oh, whatta? [squeezes his eyelids sh*t] Narrator: His friends were all there! What a wonderful surprise! The little boy smiled with joy in his eyes Stan: [irritated, grabs his clock] What time is it! Squirrely: You aren't gonna believe what happened, Stanny. It's the most magical Christmas gift ever! Skunky: Porcupiney is pregnant! Stan: [sighs] You guys, I have to go to school tomorrow. Mousey: I deduce the man-boy doesn't understand the seriousness of the fertilization. Deery: Porcupiney is a virgin, Stanny. Her conception was immaculate. Foxy: She's gonna give birth to our Lord and Savior. Stan: ...What? Porcupiney: It has been foretold unto me that I would give birth on Christmas Day. Mousey: So soon! Skunky: How delightful! Woodpeckery: Our souls are saved! Chickadee-y: Finally the critters are gonna have a Savior of their very own, of their very own! [they all cheer] Squirrely: [hops onto Stan's bed] There's just one problem: We don't have a manger for our Savior to be born in. Critters: Awwww. Beary: But we got to have a manger. Rabbity: Can you do it, Stan. Can you build us a manger? Huh? [apparently, he nods yes, as the crittters hoot and holler happily] Narrator: "Of course I'll build you a little manger!" the little boy cried, and he winked at his critter friends and leapt to their side! [The forest. Stan has built the manger and is hammering the last few nails in place] Narrator: And out in the woods the boy steamed right ahead, making a place for the critter babe to lay its sweet head Rabbity: Gee whiz, if it isn't the nicest manger I ever saw. Mousey: I deduce it shall serve as a perfectly suitable resting place, for the Son of our Lord. Raccoony: Does this mean we can go to sleep now? Porcupiney: My Son will have the nicest bed in all the forest. Woodpeckery: Fit for a king! Squirrely: This is going to be the best critter Christmas ever! Woodland Critters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year. We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near- Stan: [as they sing] All right, I'm going now [ambles off. A roar is heard nearby. All stop and look. The critters scream.] Critters: The mountain lion! Hide! [they scatter, leaving Stan to face the lion alone. The lion peers out from behind a tree] Stan: Go away! Shoo! [the lion moves off and the critters return] Squirrely: Is it gone? Mousey: I deduce it is. Skunky: [behind a low tree] I'm not c-c-comin' out. Foxy: Well, this is the end. The mountain lion obviously knows Porcupiney is pregnant, and he's gonna k*ll it again. Stan: Again? Squirrely: Every Christmas the mountain lion comes down and eats the virgin critter impregnated with the Son of our Lord. Porcupiney: Oh dear, I'm so very afraid. Beavery: [climbs onto a stump and sits up] Let's face it. The mountain lion will never let our Savior be born. Critters: Awwww. [some of them sob] Squirrely: Hey, we shouldn't be upset this Christmas. We've got Stanny! Raccoony: Of course! Stanny can do anything! If he can build a manger, he can stop that mean ol' mountain lion! Porcupiney: Christmas is saved! [the critters cheer] [The camera looks up from the woods to a mountain in the distance. Dramatic music plays] Narrator: High up in the forest on a dark, craggy peak, the horrid mountain lion and preyed on the weak. For the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty old cat... Stan: Goddamnit, this is f*cking ridiculous! Narrator: Said the little boy in the red poofball hat. [he looks at a cave entrance, then up at the peak] k*lling the mountain lion was no easy task, but he thought of a plan, and he thought of it fast. Stan: [gesturing] Grrr. Grrr! Come on out! [the lion is heard roaring from inside the cave, and it roars. It approaches the entrance] Come on, critter k*ller! Your days of slaughtering innocent little animals are over! Rawrrrrr! [anticipating the lion's leap, he runs off. The lion lunges at him, but misses. Stan moves to the side of the peak and turns, gesturing] Rawrrrrr! [Stan runs up the side of the peak, and the lion follows. Stan reaches the peak and turns to face the lion. The lion lunges at Stan again. Stan drops out of the way and the lion goes over the peak and onto its death below, at the cave entrance] Narrator: In a flash it was over! A victorious blow! The mountain lion lay slain on the cold ground below. [The cave entrance. Stan sees that the mountain lion is motionless and approaches] Stan: Hokay, there. [three cubs approach the entrance] Middle Cub: Mommy? Mommy! [they rush up to her body] W... wake up, Mommy, wake up! Pale Cub: Don't leave us, Mommy. [Stan realizes that this dangerous mountain lion was a mom, so his jaw drops. The pale cub approaches him] Man-boy, why? Why did you k*ll our mommy? Why? Stan: [at a loss for words] I... the... critters. Their... bir-birth of a Savior? [the cubs snuggle close to their mom's body] Narrator: The tiny cubs all gathered together and cried, All alone in the world because their mother had died. Stan: [turns away and squeezes his eyes shut] Aw. Awww! [The forest floor, night. The critters have set up a campfire close to the manger and are keeping warm by it.] Porcupiney: [feeling a kick] Oooo. Beary: You all right, Lady Porcupiney? Porcupiney: Oh yes, just felt a little kick is all. Beavery : Well, it's been much too long now. Uh I'm afraid our helpful friend Stanny must be very d*ad. Foxy: Yep, the mountain lion probably swallowed him whole. Rabbity: I guess that means our Savior is gonna be made into Savior stew. Critters: Awwww. Chickadee-y: [flitting straight up into the air] Wait a minute, look! [the animals turn to see Stan approaching them] Critters: Stanny! [they gather in front of him] Mousey: Stanny, you're alive. Beary: But, does that mean you k*lled the mountain lion? Stan: It's d*ad. Deery: For real and for true? Beavery: Are you sure. Stan: I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore. Squirrely: He did it! Now our critter Christmas can finally happen! Hail Satan! Critters: Hail Satan! Stan: Wait, wha-what? Beavery: You've done us a huge favor, Stanny! Without the mountain lion around, the Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the Antichrist! Critters: Yaaay Satan! [they head over to the manger] Stan: Waiwait, the Antichrist?? You said she was giving birth to your savior! Squirrely: Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan, Prince of Darkness. Stan: But I thought you meant the Son of God! Deery: Well, think about it: You really think God would have sex with a porcupine? Chickadee-y: No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness and King of all Evil would do that! Yay! Foxy: This just calls for a celebration! Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh! Rabbity: Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil! [the other critters cheer. Stan is frozen stunned as Beary pulls up a satanic altar on a small wagon with a little help from Squirrely. The other animals bring Rabbity up to the altar. Rabbity is propped up on the altar and Beary tears him apart with a big Kn*fe. The other animals crowd in, tear away pieces of the body, and eat them raw] Chickadee-y: Drink his blood! Drink his blood! Squirrely: [jumps into a puddle of blood] Blood orgy!!! Critters: Yay, blood orgy! Blood orgy, yay! [the critters drench themselves in Rabbity's blood and begin the orgy. Beavery mounts Raccoony, Skunky mounts Porcupiney, Mousey mounts foxy, and Beary mounts Deery. Squirrely hope onto Deery's left ear and mounts that. Chickadee-y flits around. In the background is heard "Sting, so true!" Stan is traumatized now.] Critters: What special time and special day, It's Woodland Critter Christmas. Squirrely: [a circular window opens and he pops up] Hail Satan. [The forest floor, night. The critters return to the manger and decorate it. As the narrator speaks, the following takes place. The star atop the manger is turned so it points down. Owls bring flowers to the mountain lion's corpse. The lion cubs are shown, then the mountain peak, then Stan is shown with his head buried into his arms at his desk in his room] Narrator: In the gentle forest clearing on Christmas Eve morn, The little forest critters prepared for the Antichrist to be born. The noble mountain lion had stopped evil in all the years past, But now the good protector lay d*ad as the good owls amassed. And meanwhile three lion cubs were crying away. For them there would certainly be no Christmas Day, And soon the forest would suffer from the offspring Satan begat. All of this because of the little boy in the red poofball hat. Stan: Ugh. Narrator: Now that he'd k*lled the noble lion queen, there was nobody to stop the Apocalypse, it seemed. Stan: Uuugh! Narrator: "I know!" he said with a new happy grin, "I'll go back to the forest and speak with those critters again!" Stan: [waves the narrator away and leaves his desk] No nonono. Narrator: He ran out the living room, turned out the light, and went back to the forest to set everything right! [Stan enters the living room, hops on the sofa, and turns on the TV. "The Jeffersons" theme song is heard.] Narrator: ... and went back to the forest to set everything right! [Stan looks at the show, willfully ignoring the narrator] ... He tried to forget all about it by watching TV [Stan tries to change channels, but the remote is broken] but his conscience caught up with him and to the forest he did flee. ... He thought he could hide from his problems - not true! [Stan rolls his eyes] He knew in his heart the thing he had to do! Stan: Leave me aLONE!! Narrator: He knew that only by going to the forest could he- Stan: All right all right all right!! God!! [turns off the TV, hops off the sofa and walks out the door, leaving the remote control on the floor] [The manger at the forest clearing, day. The animals continue decorating] Beavery: [looks around] Hey, look everyone! It's our old pal, Stanny. [the other critters turn and look] Woodpeckery: Oh boy, Stanny. You came just in time! Deery: Yeah. We've got a big problem. Squirrely: The Great Satan has commanded that when the Antichrist is born, we must find a human host body to transfer it into. Chickadee-y: That way he could take over the whole world. The whole world! Mousey: The human must be non-baptized and heathenistic against Christ. Beavery: We figured you'd be perfect! Critters: Yay! Stan: I'm not a heathen! I was baptized and my family's Christian! Critters: Awwwww. Beary: But we got to have a human host body for the Antichrist. Deery: Oh dear, maybe we won't have a critters C-Christmas after all. Squirrely: Now don't be down, y'all. Stanny can help us find non-baptized heathen human. Chickadee-y: Will you really, Stanny? Stan: No!! I'm not doing you anymore favors and I'm not letting you give birth to the Antichrist! [walks off] I came here to put a stop to all this! Beavery: To stop us? Beary: But gee whiz, Stan, if you try to stop us, we'd have to use our evil satanic powers on ya. Stan: Right, whatever. [turns around] I'm taking down the manger I built. [Beary's eyes turn red and brighten. A wall of f*re appears before Stan] Ah! [the wall gets higher] Aaaah!! [all the critters' eyes are flashing a bright red. Vultures swoop down and att*ck Stan] Aagh! Aaaahh! [a two-headed demon dog appears snarling at him; he runs off] AAAAAAAH!! AAAAAAAH!! [the critters' eyes are back to normal] Beary: Oh boy! Our satanic powers sure did the trick! Chickadee-y: Our powers get stronger every day, get stronger every day! Squirrely: Sorry Stanny, but you see, nothing can stop the birth of the Antichrist, except for a mountain lion. Skunky: And you got rid o'her. Critters: Yay! Narrator: The boy shook with anger! He broke a sweat and fell ill When he remembered there were three mountain cubs still alive on the hill! Stan: Oh yeah. [The mountain peak, day. Stan climbs up to the cave again.] Stan: Hello? Anybody in there? [the three cubs appear at the entrance of the cave] Dark Cub: Oh no, it's the man-boy who k*lled Mommy! Medium Cub: He's come to k*ll us now. Light Cub: It's okay. I died inside when Mommy was k*lled anyways. Dark Cub: Yeah, better this than the slow death we'd face without a mother around. Stan: Look, I'm sorry I k*lled your mom. The, the squirrel told me she was evil. Medium Cub: You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, you're not too smart, are you, mister? Stan: I'm trying to make this all right again, but the only thing that can stop devil-worshiping critters is a mountain lion! Dark Cub: Yeah, and you k*lled her. Stan: Well, you're mountain lions. Light Cub: Us? No, we're just kids. We still have our baby teeth. Medium Cub: And our baby claws. Dark Cub: And a d*ad mom. Stan: There still has to be a way for you to k*ll the porcupine's baby. Dark Cub: What? You mean like in an abortion? Light Cub: Yeah. An abortion. That can work. Medium Cub: But, we don't know how to give abortions. Dark Cub: Do you know some place we can learn, mister? Narrator: "Where can they learn that?" the boy said with a frown. "I know! The abortion clinic just outside of town." Stan: [cross] What?! Narrator: So he picked up the cubs and down the mountain he stormed. And took them to where abortions are performed. Stan: No, he didn't. Narrator: Yes he did. Stan: No, he didn't! Narrator: Yes he did. Stan: No, he didn't!! Narrator: Yes he [next scene has Stan holding the cubs at the abortion clinic as the doctor there prepares to abort a baby] did! Stan: Aw Goddamnit! [the doctor and patient are startled] Narrator: Said the boy in the red poofball hat! "We've made it already, little cubs! Fancy that!" Doctor: [walks over] Excuse me, what are you doing here?! Narrator: The abortion doctor inquired. Doctor: If you wanna be in the OR, a pass is required! Stan: I don't know, I, I'm supposed to show these mountain lions how an abortion is performed or something, I... I know, it'd ridiculous. Doctor: Well, you're in luck, I'm happy to inform! It's only three days until Christmas, so I have LOTS of abortions to perform! Gather around my table, cute little lions, I'll teach you to do abortions without even tryin'! Narrator: And so the little boy and the cubs gathered around the chair base, And all day watched abortion after abortion take place. [Montage. The doctor puts on his gloves and the cubs peer into the patient's vagina. Stan peers in as well, from a distance. The doctor works away happily and cleans up well. The patient leaves, and the next one is worked on. One of the cubs is on a desk next to a bottled fetus. He hops off, knocking the bottle off as well. The bottle pops open and the fetus falls out. Everyone turns and sees the fetus on the floor, and laugh about it. The doctor works on the next patient and the dark cub brings him some forceps. The doctor smiles and strokes the cub's head. The other two cubs snuggle up to the patient on her shoulders, and she smiles at them] Singer: Christmas time is once a year. Every critter holds it dear. Every animal big or small, Christmas means so much to us all. It's once a year, it's Christmastime! And it happens once a year. It's once a year, it's Christmastime! When we hear about how Christmas only comes Once a year. Stan: This better have a point, dude. This really better have a point. [The forest floor. The critters walk along singing their Christmas tune] Critters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year. Beary: Oh look. That little feller is all alone. Skunky: Gee, he looks sad. [next sh*t is Kyle kneeling next to his sled, looking sad] Critters: Hi there! Kyle: [gets up and turns around] What the hell? Beavery: How come you're all alone on Christmas Eve. Kyle: My... family doesn't celebrate Christmas. Raccoony: Aww, but why? Kyle: Well, because, we don't really ...believe in Jesus. Critters: [cheering] Yay! Beary: But does that mean you aren't baptized? Kyle: No. I'm Jewish. Critters: [exulting] Yay! Yay! [they gather around Kyle] Beavery: You've got to come with us! Deery: You're perfect! Just pu-perfect! Kyle: Huh? Critters: [taking him away] Yay! Woohoo! Woohoohoo! What special time and special day, It's Woodland Critter Christmas. Squirrely: [a circular window opens and he pops up] Hail Satan. [The woods, night. The camera pans along] Narrator: Twas the night before Christmas, and above the woods, way up high, a new bright shiny star hung in the sky. [bright RED star. Stan walks into view] For the world to be saved there was only one sh*t. A little boy with three cubs, and an abortion plot. Stan: Okay, come on, the critters are over this way. You mountain lions ready to stop the Antichrist from being born? Dark Cub: Sure. We know how to give abortions now. Narrator: He arrived at the critter forest ready to fight, but then gasped when he saw a most dreadful sight. [the critters are in and around the manger looking at the new baby, the Antichrist] Beavery: Guys, we did it! Squirrely: The critter Antichrist is born, bringin' a thousand years of darkness to the forest. [the Antichrist growls and throws little fits] Narrator: The Antichrist had been born, sealing the world's fate. The boy in the red poofball hat... was too late. Stan: Too late? The hell is that?? Beavery: Oh. Hiya, Stanny! Kyle: [now tied to the altar, frightened] Stan! Stan, what the hell is going on?! Stan: It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass! Skunky: Now all we have to do is put the Antichrist into our human host. Critters: Let's go! All right! Woohoo! Stan: [turns to the lion cubs] That's it?! Ten thousand years of darkness and I don't even have a Merry Christmas?! [Skunky, Squirrely, Beary, and Chickadee-y walk over to get Kyle. Santa's sleigh appears in the sky] Narrator: When up in the sky the sound of sleigh bells were heard And a jolly red sleigh flew down to the earth like a bird! Beavery: Wwow, look, there's Santa Claus! Critters: [cheering] Yay! Skunky: Let's eat his flesh! [the sleigh lands and rolls to s stop] Santa: [hops out] All right, what the hell is going on?! Why is there a red star glowing in the sky?! Raccoony: We finally did it, Santa! We brought forth the Antichrist with help from our good friend, Stanny. Skunky: Death and pain await all living things. Santa: LIttle boy, you should be ashamed! Stan: I mean, I didn't mean to help them, I I tried to stop them! Santa: Well good going, stupid! There's only one way to stop devil-worshiping critters! [reaches back and whips out a long r*fle. He fires, and the top half of Beavery's head is gone.] Critters: Aaaaah! [they scatter. Santa fires again, and Deery goes down. Two more sh*ts and the tops of Raccoony's and Skunky's heads come off] Stan: Dude, what the? [Squirrely activates his demon power with the red glow from his eyes and a wall of f*re appears before Santa.] Singers: Hold steady, Santa [Santa simply hops through it, gets into position, and fires at Squirrely, bl*wing him to smithereens.] Stan: [goes to untie Kyle from the altar] Come on, dude. [Santa continues f*ring at the remaining critters. Porcupiney is blown apart, then Foxy.] Beary: Gee whiz, Santa, you're not gonna k*ll me, are you- [his head is blown off and he goes down] Dark Cub: But Santa, what do we do about the Antichrist? [Stan and Kyle join Santa and the cubs] Santa: Don't worry, boys. The Antichrist cannot survive without a human host body to go into. Kyle: [looks down] No. [walks towards the manger] No, I want to have the Antichrist inside me! Stan: What? Kyle?? Kyle: [now in the manger, behind the trough] With his power, I can finally make the earth a better place for the Jews! Santa: Don't do it, Kyle! [grinning evilly, Kyle holds the little Antichrist in his left hand. A glow emanates from the Antichrist and its spirit floats out of its body and into Kyle's chest. Stan growls from the effects and stretches his arms out] Stan: Dude!! Kyle: [returns to the altar, climbs up, and exults] Yes, yes!! Now the Jews will take control of Christmas once and for all! HAHA! HAAA!! Kyle: [voice-over] Oh, stop it, Cartman! [the spell is broken] [Mr. Garrison's class, day. All the students are seated, and they're taking turns telling Christmas stories. Cartman is telling his now.] Kyle: Just stop it! That's enough! You aren't reading another sentence of your stupid story! Cartman: I don't believe anyone interrupted YOU when you read your Christmas story aloud, Kyle. [behind him on the board is written "Write Your Own Christmas Story Day"] Kyle: This whole time your stupid story was just a way to rip on me for being Jewish at Christmas again! Cartman: Mr. Garrison, could you do something, please? Mr. Garrison: Sorry, Eric, but if Kyle feels discriminated against, you'll have to stop or else I'll get a call from his mother. Cartman: [closes his booklet] All right, fine! Forget it! [drops off the stool and heads for his desk] Butters: Wwell but, but what happened? Token: Yeah. Did Kyle bring a thousand years of darkness or not? Clyde: What happens to the lion cubs? Cartman: Well, I guess we'll never know, because Kyle doesn't wanna hear how it ends. Stan: No, it all worked out, right? The world was saved and I went home for Christmas dinner. Kyle: Dude, why do you care?! Stan: Well after all that I at least wanna know if I had a merry Christmas or if darkness rules the earth. Kyle: Oh come on! It's obvious what happens! I get k*lled by Santa Claus so that Christmas is saved! Cartman: That's not at all what happens. Butters: Aw well, come on. Let him read us the end. Clyde: Yeah yeah, come on! [the other kids chime in] Kyle: All right, fine! Cartman: [returns to the stool and resumes the story. He clears his throat] "Oh dear, my best friend is possessed! How about that?" said the little boy in the red poofball hat. [The spell is restored. Kyle is back on the altar exulting] Kyle: HAHAHAA!! Now I shall rule the- [feels something...] Aww. Uuugh. God it burns! AAAH! My soul is on f*re! Whoa. Oh, I don't like this! [hops off the altar] I didn't know it would feel so... dark and evil! Stan: Well what did you expect, dude? It's the son of the Devil. Kyle: Oh God, what have I done?? [sits down] I'm sorry. Please, I don't wanna be the vessel for the Antichrist. Santa: [with his r*fle at the ready] I'm sorry, but it's too late, Kyle! Santa's gonna have to k*ll you! [cocks the r*fle] Stan: No Santa, don't! Santa: We don't have a choice. In a few hours, the dark creature inside him will consume his soul. Narrator: The little boy fretted. He almost started to bawl But that's when he came up with the best idea of all. [Stan grins] Stan: The lion cubs! Narrator: The little boy quickly g*n, Stan: I took them to see how abortions are done. [there's always a choice...] Santa: What?? Stan: Now cubs, do like they showed you. Hurry up fast! Get the Antichrist out of my friend Kyle's ass! [the cubs trot over to Kyle, who's on a makeshift delivery bed] Narrator: And in the twinkling starlight, each little cub did their portion. They remember all they had learned and gave Kyle an abortion. [The dark cub is deep in Kyle's ass, retrieving the Antichrist with his teeth. He succeeds and takes it to Santa quickly. Santa takes it and sets it down on a stump. Santa grabs a large mallet next to the stump, raises it over his head, and bring it down upon the Antichrist, smashing it to bits with a loud THUD] Kyle: Thanks, everybody. I I'm sorry I got a little crazy there. Santa: Well little boy, it seems that YOU [points to Stan] have really been through a lot. Is there any special present you would like this year? Stan: [smiles] Yeah. Yeah, there is. [The lions' cave. Santa arrives at the corpse of the mountain lioness and moves his hand over it, releasing some magic dust and watching it settle. The lioness stirs] Mother Lion: Weh, ah my, what happened? A Cub: [the three of them run up to greet her] Mommy? The Cubs: Yay! You're back! We missed you, Mommy! Stan: [relieved] Ogh, good. [Stan's house. He runs into his parents' arms as Shelley and Grandpa look on. Next, they're all seated at table, eating. Next, Stan and Shelley are opening their gifts] Narrator: And back home, there were presents, and lots of food to get fat. And it was the best Christmas ever for the boy in the red poofball hat. [A sh*t of the town, receding from view] Narrator: And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later. [a sh*t of Kyle back in the hospital, dying.] The End Kyle: [voice-over] Goddamnit Cartman! [End of Woodland Critter Christmas.] Singers: Christmastime is once a year Every creature holds it dear Every animal big or small Christmas means the world to us all It's once a year, it's Christmastime When we hear about how Christmas only comes Once a year.

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "08x14 - Woodland Critter Christmas"}

foreverdreaming

[A close-up of a tongue depressor holding a tongue down, and the sound of a boy going "AHHHHHH." The camera pans out to reveal a dentist looking inside Cartman's mouth. Liane stands nearby, watching. They are all in Cartman's room.] Cartman: AHHHHHH. Dentist: Well, there's no doubt about it. Those tonsils need to come out. Cartman: What? Liane: Uh what exactly does that entail, doctor? Dentist: It's a very simple operation. We'll just put you to sleep, Eric, and when you wake up you'll be tonsil-free. Cartman: [a bit hoarse] Nuh, no way. I'm not going to the hospital, mom! Dentist: Oh, I thought you were a tough kid. You're not scared of hospitals, are you? Cartman: [hiding his fear somewhat] No, I'm not scared. I just... I don't want my tonsiils out, that's all. Dentist: [begins packing his toolkit on Cartman's dresser] Well then, I guess you don't want all the "ice cream" you get after the surgery either. Cartman: [leans forward and looks at the dentist] Ice cream? Dentist: Be a shame to give all that free ice cream to the big boys who aren't scared of the hospitals. Liane: Whattaya say, champ? Think you can tough it out? [the dentist returns to Cartman's bed] Cartman: Well, you did say free ice cream? [smiles. Liane and the dentist laugh heartily as the dentist strokes Cartman's hair] [Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Liane sits by Cartman's bed in a recovery room] Liane: Poopsiekins, wake up. Wwake up, honey. Cartman: [opens his eyes] Uh... it... it's over? Liane: That's right. You did it, poopsiekins. Cartman: It's over! I didn't feel anything. You were right, mom! Liane: I'm so proud of you, Eric. Cartman: All right, so where's my ice cream? Liane: Oh! Here's the doctor now. [the dentist enters with two nurses, one male, the other female] Hi, doctor. Cartman: He-you were right, doctor. Everything is okay. Dentist: No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid that we've accidentally infected you with the AIDS virus. [Liane is shocked, Cartman looks at her] Liane: Whaat??? Cartman: What's that supposed to mean?! Dentist: During the tonsil surgery we had to supply you with donor blood a, mistake was made and you were given blood contaminated with HIV. It was a one in a billion fluke. Cartman: I have AIDS?! Dentist: Not yet, but we've confirmed that you now have the virus that causes AIDS. We are very sorry. Cartman: Sorry?! You gave me AIDS and you're sorry?! [his anger rises until he can barely contain it] Liane: Oh, my poor little baby. Cartman: Mom, you said nothin' would go wrong! Liane: [breaks down and cries] Oh God! Oh no! Cartman: No. No, this is a joke, right?! This is a joke! I can't have AIDS!! Dentist: We're going to do everything in our power to make this up to you, Eric. For starters, I think I owe you some ice cream. [motions to it, and the female nurse gets it. She puts a large covered platter on Cartman's bed and removeds the lid. There are two sundaes on the platter, but Cartman brushes them off the platter with the back of his hand] Cartman: f*ck your ice cream, you said I'd be fine!! You all said I'd be fine!! Liane: [breaks down again] My baby has HIV! [sobs uncontrollably] Cartman: No! NOOO!! [South Park Elementary, next day, the teachers' lounge. Principal Victoria is there with Mr. Mackey, Mr. Adler, Ms. Garrison, the Broflovskis, the Stotches, the McCormicks, another couple, and another adult - a doctor] Principal Victoria: Thank you for coming, everyone. Boys, please take a seat. [Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kenny all enter the room and take some seats] Stan: What's going on? Are we in trouble? Principal Victoria: Boys, the reason we called you all in is because one of your friends has a serious illness. [places both hands over her heart] Eric Cartman has been diagnosed with HIV. Stan: [the boys are shocked] What?? Butters: Oh no... Doctor: He's been to several specialists since a botched blood transfusion. The disease is in the very early stages and completely manageable. But he's naturally a bit scared. Kyle: Cartman has HIV? Doctor: We need everyone to understand that you can't get the virus from Eric. You can still give him hugs and even kisses. Don't be afraid of him, just- Kyle: [interrupting so he's heard correctly] Excuse me: Eric Cartman has HIV? Principal Victoria: Alright, we're gonna bring Eric in now, and let's all be as supportive as we can and show him lots of love Okay?. Mr. Mackey: Eric? Come on in, your your friends all want to say hi, m'kay? [Cartman enters dressed as usual, but also wears a scarf and a black baseball cap with a red P on it] The boys: [including Kenny] Hi, Eric. Stan: Hi there, Eric. Kyle: No. Way. Butters: [walks over to Cartman and pats him on the shoulder] How are you doin', Eric? You know, well I think you're a real special little guy. And even though you have AIDS, I ain't gonna act any different towards you. [leans in and kisses Cartman on the cheek, remembering what the doctor said. Cartman is startled] Cartman: [voice rising] God damnit this sucks ass!! Kyle: Ek-scuse me, I have to step out for a minute. [leaves his chair and goes out into the hallway and tries to stifle his laughter, but it gets the better of him. He bursts out laughing.]. Butters: Poor ol' Kyle. He's really takin' it hard. Cartman: Is Kyle laughing out there?! 'Cause this isn't the time for funny jokes! I'm gonna die! Doctor: [quickly reachig him] No you're not going to die, Eric. AIDS isn't a big a deal as it used to be; there are advances in treatment and- Cartman: Not a big deal?! Is that all everyone feels?! People need to understand the seriousness of this illness! And the bravery of the people who struggle with it! [A sh*t of the Airport Hilton, where Elton John is scheduled to hold an AIDS benefit for Eric Cartman] [Inside, a group of people are in the grand ballroom. Pictures of Cartman hang on the walls. An M.C. steps up to the mic] M.C.: We are here tonight to salute the bravery and the courage of one very special little boy who is living with HIV. [there's hardly anyone there: just his mom, Butters, Jimmy, and two other adults.] Cartman: Where the hell is everybody? [a waitress arrives with some food] Liane: Excuse me, shouldn't we wait for everyone to arrive before we get started? Waitress: This is everyone. We didn't sell that many tickets. Butters: Great benefit, Eric! Jimmy: The Italian meatballs are fa-fantastic. Cartman: So this is it? Waitress: I'm afraid AIDS benefits aren't as popular as they used to be. AIDS was more the '80s/'90s disease. It's all about cancer now. [leaves] Cartman: Well that's just great! Of all the times to get AIDS, I get it right when everyone stops givin' a crap! M.C.: With all of your help, we have raised over seventeen dollars for AIDS tonight, and that money will certainly go towards helping little Eric Markman. Cartman: Just bring out Elton John already!! M.C.: Uh we're sorry, Elton couldn't make it. Heuh, he had to play at a cancer benefit. Waitress: It's all right, we got somebody better: Jimmy Buffett! Cartman: Jimmy Buffett?! Jimmy Buffett: Hello everyone. I wrote this song for a very brave little boy. AIDSburger in paradise! AIDSburger and it ain't nice! Cartman: !Nobody likes Jimmy Buffett except for frat boys and alcoholic chicks from the South!! Jimmy Buffett: A little boy in South Park Dyin' of AIDS in the cold dark How he got AIDS I haven't a clue. Wastin' away again because of AIDS and stuff How are we all feelin' tonight? Cartman: [sticks his middle finger up in the air] f*ck you, Jimmy Buffett! You f*ck' suck! Liane: Ohoho poopsiekins, be nice. Cartman: f*ck you Mom, I have f*cking AIDS! [The neighborhood bus stop, day. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny wait for the bus. Cartman walks up, dressed as he was a day or two ago] Cartman: Hey guys, thanks a lot for comin' to my AIDS benefit yesterday. Stan: Oh dude, was that yesterday? Wwwwe forgot. Cartman: Yeah, you forgot. Just like a lot of people lately have forgot that AIDS is still k*lling people! Seems like all of America has forgot that HIV is a serious disease. Stan: Well, did... Elton John sing a song for you? Cartman: ...No, as a matter of fact, Jimmy Buffett came instead. [Kyle bursts out laughing; Cartman angrily approaches him] Oh yeah, it's real f*ck' funny, Kyle!! Kyle: [trying to stop laughing long enough to say something] I'm sorry. I'm. I'm really. Cartman, I f-I feel really bad for you. Honestly. Cartman: No you don't! Kyle: I do. [smiles and keeps from laughing] Cartman: If you really felt bad, you'd wipe that f*cking smirk off your face! [the smirk is having trouble not breaking into a laugh] Well any Goddamned second, Kyle! Kyle: I'm sorry. I gotta go home. [laughs, turns away and leaves. His laughter trails off] Cartman: [faces in Kyle's direction] Jesus Christ, can you believe that assh*le?! Stan: He does feel bad for you, Cartman; he just thinks it's... ironic. Cartman: Ironic how? Stan: Well, you know, you're always such a dick and stuff, and, and now... Cartman: [spins around and gets in Stan's face] Oh, and what?! I deserve it?! Is that what you think?! Stan: [backs away a bit] Not me! That's eh, kinda what he thinks. Cartman: [advances] Nobody deserves this illness, Stan, Kenny! Nobody! It's awful! And maybe somebody needs to teach Kyle how to have some compassion! [Kyle's house, night. Kyle is asleep in his room, his curtains partially open. Outside in the bushes, Butters appears dressed as a cat burglar] Butters: Oh, uhokay, it's clear. Cartman: [comes into view also dressed as a cat burglar] All right, get that rope ready to hoist me up. [they head towards the sliding door] Butters: Okay, but... what are you going to do? Cartman: Kyle thinks that HIV is funny, so we're gonna make him look funny, and then he'll know how it feels to be laughed at. Butters: I just eh... well I don't know if I should be helping you make Kyle look silly. Cartman: Butters, helping people who have AIDS is one of the most imprtant things you can do. Butters: I know, but are you sure Kyle has to be taught a lesson? Cartman: I'm not just sure, Butters. I'm HIV-positive. Butters: [reflects on the answer] Oh yeah, uhwell I guess that's true. Cartman: [gets down to business] All right, now get the rope up over that third rafter above the window; that's the easiest access. Butters: Wow, you really know what you're doing. Cartman: Yeah, I've sneaked into Kyle's room lots of times. [moments later, Cartman is shown moving up along the outer wall to Kyle's window. He stops and opens the window gingerly, silently steps onto Kyle's bed, and walks over to Kyle's face. Then he whispers] You think HIV is something to be laughed at, Kyle? Well... [reaches into his back pack, pulls out a sirynge, rolls up the sleeves on his left arm and...] let's just see how funny it is now, assh*le. [...draws some blood into it and drops the blood into Kyle's mouth. Kyle instinctively tastes it and swallows it. Cartman quickly goes back out the window and slams it shut as Kyle wakes up.] Kyle: Wagh. [South Park clinic. Kyle sits on the bed as Sheila hands him some tissue. He sneezes.] Sheila: There there, bubbe, you'll be okay. [a doctor walks into the room] Oh doctor, did you find anything? Is it strep? Dr. Doctor: No, it isn't strep... Sheila: Oh, well there's a relief. Dr. Doctor: ...Mrs. Broflovski, has your son ever had a blood transfusion? Sheila: No, why? Dr. Doctor: [walks around to Kyle's end of the bed] Little boy, have you been having unprotected a**l sex? Kyle: What?? No?! Sheila: Doctor, what are you saying?? Dr. Doctor: [walks up to Sheila] We've run every test imaginable... little Kyle here is infected with HIV. Kyle: What?? Sheila: HIV?? Dr. Doctor: It took us a long time to narrow it down, but there is no doubt. Sheila: No, that's impossible! Dr. Doctor: [walks back to Kyle] Little boy, are you sure you haven't taken it up the hoohoo just once or twice? Kyle: No! No Goddamnit no! I'm telling you you're wrong! There, there's no way I can have HIV! Unless maybe... [his eyes open wide at the realization] Oh my God. That son of a bitch! [hops off the bed and rushes out the door] Sheila: Kyle? Kyle! [Recess at South Park Elementary. The boys are outside tossing a football. Craig catches a football and has to choose whom to toss it to] Cartman: Pass me the ball! [Kyle runs in from a distance...] Pass me the ball, Craig, you stupid assh*le! [...and shoves Cartman forward at full speed. Cartman falls on his face, then looks back at Kyle.] Kyle, what the F?! Kyle: I'm gonna k*ll you, Cartman! Cartman: Kyle, what?! Stan: [steps into view] What did he do? Kyle: Why do I have HIV?! Clyde: ...Oh... Cartman: Oh, you have HIV, huh Kyle? Guess it isn't so funny now, is it? Kyle: What did you do?! Cartman: Nothing! Kyle: Then why did Butters say he helped you sneak into my room last Friday night?! [Behind Cartma, Butters motions Kyle not to say anything further] Cartman: Oh nice, Butters, you big tattle-tale. [too late. Butters stops motioning] Kyle: Tattle-tale?! Do you know how serious this is?! Cartman: Well, Kyle, maybe I was just trying to prove a p- Kyle: [lunges at Cartman] AAAAAAA! [start punching him mercilessly] Cartman: Kyle! Kyle: [doesn't let up] Here you go! [punch] Here you go! [punch. Mr. Mackey walks into the fray] Mr.Mackey: Hey! Hey, that's enough! Break it up, m'kay?! [tries to separate the boys...] Break it up! Hm'kay?! [...but ends up hoisting them away together at each other's throats] M'kay! [Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Mr. Mackey has taken Kyle and Cartman there and now stands next to the principal] Principal Victoria: All right, boys, now what is this fighting all about? Kyle: [pointing to Cartman] He gave me AIDS! Principal Victoria: What?? Kyle: He purposely infected me with his HIV virus! Principal Victoria: Is that true, Eric? Did you give Kyle AIDS? Cartman: Well he was being a total dick! And he's a big tattle-tale and going around and talking crap about me! Principal Victoria: [pointedly] Did you infect Kyle with the HIV virus, yes or no?! Cartman: [grudgingly] Kind of. Kyle: Eric, that is not appropriate behavior, m'kay? You cannot purposely infect other kids with your disease! Principal Victoria: That's right. I think you owe Kyle an apology. Cartman: [grudgingly] I'm sorry. Mr. Mackey: An apology?! Principal Victoria: You're sorry for what, Eric? Cartman: I'm sorry for giving you AIDS, Kyle. Principal Victoria: That's better. And now Kyle, maybe you should also admit you were wrong for tattling. Kyle: [can't believe these adults] ...What?! Mr. Mackey: Kyle, the thing about tattlin' is, eh tattlin's bad. M'kay, because nobody likes a tattle-tale, m'kay? Kyle: A tattle-tale?! He infected me with AIDS! Cartman: See? He's tattling again. He hasn't learned a thing you guys. [they are shown the door] [The hallway. Kyle walks forward and leaves the principal's office. The camera tracks him, and Cartman begins to move as well.] Cartman: [keeping pace with Kyle] Well Kyle, I guess we're even now. Shall we just call it a truce? Kyle? Shall we call it Even Stevens now? [stops] Kyle, where are you going? Kyle: [spins around and returns to Cartman, then says between gritted teeth] I'm going to break evreything that you own! [spins around and walks away] Cartman: What's that supposed to mean? Kyle? [settles on the obvious] Kyle, no! I apologized, Kyle! [Cartman's house, front. Kyle approaches the front door and opens it. He goes right in and up the stairs. Cartman appears by the driveway a few seconds later] Cartman: Kyle! Kyle, hold on, you assh*le! [Kyle enters Cartman's room and begins breaking anything he sees. First, a toy rocket. Then, he grabs a poster of Braveheart from the wall and rips it apart. Next, he grabs the Wellington Bear Magic Mic and smashes it on the floor. Cartman walks in.] What the f*ck are you doing?! [picks up some of his broken toys. Kyle knocks over a box of small toys] Kyle, stop it! [Kyle breaks apart a toy Mountie after three tries] Goddamnit, don't! [Kyle walks over to Cartman's big toy box, grabs Clyde Frog,..] Kyle, no! Not Clyde Frog! Leave Clyde Frog alone! [...and rips its head right off and moves off.] NO!! [Cartman picks up the two halves of his plush frog as Kyle moves to the XBOX] AHH! Clyde Frog!! Clyde Frog you ba- no no! Not the XBOX, Kyle! [Kyle picks it up and tries to pull it out of the power socket] Not the X-wait! WAIT A SECOND! [stops Kyle before Kyle gets to smash the XBOX on the floor] I'm sorry I gave you HIV, all right?! Just give me a chance, and I can cure you! Kyle: There is no cure, you assh*le! Cartman: No, no, listen, Kyle! I'm on to something. There really is hope. Kyle: What hope?! Cartman: Break my XBOX and you'll never know. Kyle: You're lying! Cartman: NO! No-al-, all right Kyle! Magic Johnson, Kyle! The key is Magic Johnson. Kyle: Magic Johnson? Cartman: He was a basketball player. Kyle: So what?! Cartman: So he got HIV like fifty years ago, and he's still totally fine! Magic Johnson has some kind of resistance to the virus, Kyle. I've been researching it since I got infected. If we can track him down and and isolate his genetic prototype, we have a chance of beating this thing, buddy. [grabs Kyle's shoulder] You and me, Kyle. We can overcome our illness; I swear it to you! Kyle: [looks at the XBOX for a few moments, then] You better! 'Cause if you don't find a cure for HIV, I will break your XBOX! Cartman: [stunned] My God... [Denver International Airport. A list of gates are shown. Kyle and Cartman walk in and go to a Delta Airlines clerk] Cartman: We need two tickets to Los Angeles as soon as possible. Clerk: Los Angeles. Okay, uh I have a two o'clock flight. That would beee... $400 each. Cartman: Ah, sir, you don't understand. We have to see Magic Johnson right away. You see, we have AIDS. Clerk: ...AIDS? Wow, that's really... retro. But ah I'm sorry. I I just can't give away free seats. Cartman: Don't you get it?! We are two pals afllicted with an illness, and who only have each other in a race against time! Innocent playful children who are stricken with a dieadly disease for no reason! Kyle: Oh please, no reason! I got AIDS from him! Clerk: Oh, you boys are [sticks his left index finger into a tube he makes with his right hand and moves it in and out of the tube] like that, huh? Kyle: NO! Clerk: Are you sure you boys just don't have any cash? Cartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive. Clerk: Ugh, we sometimes offer free seats to cancer patients, but AIDS I d-. Heh-hey Mitch? Do we have any AIDS patient policies? Cartman: Forget it, alright?! We'll use another airline! One that cares! [turns around and leaves Kyle standing there] [The interior of an airplane. Cartman and Kyle sit in aisle seats near the front of the cabin. A flight attendant walks up to them] Flight Attendant: We're so happy to help accommodate you boys. What kind of cancer did you say you have again? Cartman: Oh uh, you know, all over cancer. Flight Attendant: I'm so sorry Cartman: Yeah, well, at least [leans into the aisle and looks back at the other passengers] it's not as bad as having AIDS. AIDS is the worst disease. Flight Attendant: Hm, I don't know. These days I think I'd rather have AIDS than cancer. Cartman: No you wouldn't! Look, shouldn't you be serving people drinks or something?! Get outta here! [the flight attendant turns and walks away] We're on our way, buddy. [puts his left hand on Kyle's right hand] Magic Johnson, here we come. Kyle: Don't. Touch me. Cartman: [removes his hand from Kyle's and places his hands together over his stomach] I know. I'm scared too. [Magic Johnson's mansion, day. Behind it is a smoggy horizon.] [Magic Johnson's mansion, living room. Magic has his feet propped up on a glass coffee table. He's spinning a basketball on his right index finger as he changes channels with his left hand. An NBA Championship trophy sits on a small tablel to the left] Butler: Magic. Magic, could you come to the front for a minute? There are a couple of boys here to see you. Two brave little buddies who against all odds have journeyed across America to find the cure for AIDS. All they have are each other in a race against time. [Magic sheds a big tear and sniffs] Kyle: [moments later] Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease. Magic: You boys both have the virus? Are you sure? Cartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive. Kyle: [quickly irritated] Will you stop it with that?! What part of this is funny to you?! Cartman: Kyle, we need to find a- Kyle: What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?! Cartman: [thinks for a few seconds] I don't think it's funny, Kyle. Kyle: Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV-positive! [Cartman keeps quiet] This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny, so shut the f*ck up! Cartman: [clears his throat] Well excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things... seem their darkest you just need to try and stay... HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I- Kyle: Knock it off!! Right now!! This isn't funny! At all! Cartman: [waits a second] Are you sure! Kyle: [quickly] Yes!! Cartman: [waits a second] Are you HIV-positive? [Kyle smacks him quickly] Aarrhh! Ow, f*ck, Kyle! [begins to stroke his cheek] Magic: Boys, the truth is I don't know why my body is so resistant to the virus. I would love to know so I could help others, but I just don't. [shrugs] Kyle: Well I've been thinking: maybe there's something you've come into contact with that hinders HIV from growing. Do you mind if we just look around? Magic: Well, not at all. [The hallway. Magic and the boys pass varoius rooms] Magic: The pool is over there [motions to his left], where I try to swim and stay in shape. My kitchen [motions to his right] is full of pretty healthy food. I don't know which thing it is that keeps my T-cell count high, so I... try it all. Kyle: But everyone tries that. There has to be something you're exposed to that others aren't. Could we see where you sleep? Magic: Sure. [The bedroom. The double doors swing open and the group enters] Magic: Just a pretty plain old ordinary bedroom. [before them is the four-post bed with curtains, and stacks of dollar bills everywhere else] Kyle: Dude. Magic: Oh, oh yeah, I. I don't trust banks. I sleep with all my money. Kyle: You sleep with money. Every night? Magic: Yeah, I like to keep it close b- ...You don't think that..? [AIDS Research Center, day. Inside a laboratory there, a scientist analyzes a blood sample through a microscope] Scientist 1: [changes focus] It's incredible. Mitch, these boys could be onto something. Take a look. [Mitch steps in and looks into the microscope] That's a sample of HIV-infected blood. You can clearly see the HIV attacking the white blood cells, right? [the HIV is indeed attacking] All right. Watch what happens when we introduce some cash. [waves a brick of bills around near the microscope] Mitch: My God. The HIV particles are receding! [the particles scream as they sense the money, and leave the white blood cells alone] Scientist 1: The cash does seem to retrain the HIV cells from s*ab. Scientist 2: [appears out of nowhere] Now hold on! All the cash is doing is destabilizing the virus, not destroying it. Kyle: Well look, if being around lots of cash negatively affects the HIV, then maybe... Mitch: Then maybe enough cash sh*t directly into the bloodstream could k*ll the virus altogether. Magic: I have enough cash for all three of us! We should give it a try! Scientist 2: Na-noo, it's ridiculous. We need FDA approval, control studies! I'm sorry, but this is impossible! Magic: These boys have shown us that a lot of impossible things can happen. [genuflects next to them] Their friendship has conquered every obstacle in their illness-ridden lives. Scientist 2: [sighs heavily and puts his hands on a lab table] Their incredible friendship has brought a sparkle of hope to our world, that's for sure. Kyle: [looks away] Wugh. Scientist 2: I suppose we could try to distill Magic's cash down to its... most highly-contrated level and... try it on one of them. But it's very risky. Cartman: Yeah well, if there's a chance of being cured of this illness, then Kyle is willing to take that risk. [moments later, a t*nk holding a lot of Magic's dollar bills is brought in. A shredder is lowered into the t*nk and turned on. It shreds the bills to into pulp and then is lifted out. The t*nk is lifted up over a cylinder and the pulp is poured from the t*nk to the cylinder, which turns out to be a giant pump. The pump is activated and pushes the pulp into a helical tube. At the end of the tube is a small chamber which distills the pulp into a clear green liquid and acts as a dropper. The liquid drips into a large sirynge. Once it fills up, Mitch takes it...] Mitch: Let's hope to Christ this works. [...walks over to Kyle, kneels next to him, and injects him with the liquid. Moments later, a sample of Kyle's blood is taken and analyzed] Scientist 1: Wait a monute... Yes... Yes, take a look! [he trades places with Scientist 2, who looks into the microscope] The cash particles have completely replaced all the HIV in Kyle's blood! [the newly repaired blood cells look like discs cut out of dollar bills. Scientist 1 turns around and faces the boys.] Boys, you just found the cure for AIDS. Cartman: All right! Scientist 1: [throws open the lab doors and walks out] They found the cure for AIDS! [runs to the camera] The cure for AIDS! Scientist 3: What is it? Scientist 1: [grabs Scientist 3 by the shoulders] Large doses of concentrated cash! [runs down the hall] Get the media on the phone! Scientist 4: [female] All right! [SNN News] Anchorman: Scientists have just discovered the cure... for AIDS. [smiles] About a hundred and eighty thousand dollars sh*t directly into the bloodstream. [Nigeria, Africa, around sunset. A stationwagon pulls up and a blond driver jumps out] Driver: Hey! They just found the cure for AIDS! You just have to inject yourself with all your cash! Woohoo! [A Cure For AIDS benefit at the Airport Hilton's Grand Ballroom] M.C.: I am pleased to announce that there is no trace of the HIV virus in either Kyle Broflovski or Eric Cartman. [the room applauds. Most everyone present is from South Park] Together these boys b*at their illness. With nothing but each other, and overcoming all odds [Kyle's face gets angry], these two brave friends- Kyle: Oh stop! We're not friends! He's the one who innfected me with AIDS! M.C.: These two brave lovers [that stunned them both] found the cure and helped the world. And so, to honor these boys [Cartman grins. Kyle is still angry], here is... Jimmy Buffett! Cartman: [grin vanishing] What?! Aw, no! Jimmy Buffett: Cureburger in paradise! Cureburger. There I said it twice! Cartman: What?! Aw, Godddamnit! [puts his arm around Kyle] Well I'll tell you this, Kyle. I'm never gettin' my tonsiils out again, hahahaha. Kyle: I'm still breaking your XBOX. [turns right and walks off] Cartman: What? No. No. [runs after him] Kyle, no!! [End of Tonsil Trouble.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "12x01 - Tonsil Trouble"}

foreverdreaming

[A TV screen showing animated graphics: Decision 2008 Debate, on Fox 31] Announcer: Live, from Chicago, Illinois, it's Decision 2008. Moderator: [in a droning voice] Good evening and welcome to the political debate between Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama. [turns to them] First question: How do you see yourself as different from your opponent? [Stan's house. Randy has the four boys seated on the couch as they all watch TV together. Randy has a beer in his left hand. Butters is passed out while the other three boys are half asleep.] Stan: Ugh, Dad, can we please not watch this? Randy: This is important, Stanley! [the boys look at him] You boys should care about this stuff. Cartman: Yeah, but we totally don't. Randy: Well you boys are gonna sit and watch this! This is what really matters! Moderator: And so, Mr. Obama, why don't you tell us your stance on military spending? Barack Obama: Well, my opinion is that- [Emergency New Bulletin] Announcer: We interrrupt this debate for an emergnecy news bulletin! It's... Britney Watch! [a montage of Britney pictures is stamped with a stamp saying "Britney Watch" inside it. Dramatic background music starts up] Keeping you up-to-date with all your Britney Spears news! Butters: [wakes up and looks at the screen] Man... Randy: [getting excited, leans forward] Oh-oh boy, what'she done now? Anchorman: Britney has been spotted camping in the Colorado mountains, and one report claims that she has taken a piss... in the forest. Robert Pooner has more. Robert Pooner: Ron, I'm standing in South Mark, Colorado, where Britney Spears has apparently been trying to get away from it all. [the boys react to the news] Cartman: Aw dude, that's our town! Robert Pooner: Ms. Spears was spotted at a mountain campground [sh*ts of her pitching a tent and relaxing in a chair after the tent is up], and you won't believe what she did, Ron. The troubled diva took a piss. Right on a ladybug. We blurred out parts of the photo so that it doesn't offend. [a sh*t of her squatting and pissing on the ladybug. The blurred area is her face] Randy: She's such a train wreck! Robert Pooner: When the photo is enhanced, Ron, you can see the poor little ladybug getting doused. [extreme closeup of the piss hitting the ladybug] Ron: [the anchorman] This must be very embarrassing for Britney that this photo got out, Bob, and, and she looks like she's gained weight. Robert Pooner: That's right, Ron, she really chubbed up. And if you zoom in on her face, you can see that she's got some zits! [a choseup of her chin shows two zits] Butters: Aw, poor girl. Randy: [rising from his armchair] Hey Sharon, Britney peed on a ladybug. [heads towards the kitchen] Ron: The photograph was taken by Brian Willis of Bailey, Colorado [a photo of Brian Willis holding lots of bricks of money appears], who sold it to 31 News for a hundred thousand dollars. Kyle: A hundred thousand dollars? Cartman: That's enough to buy slaves! Ron: Britney is said to be now hiding out in a South Park motel. Aand now back to the stupid Democratic debates. Hillary Clinton: -and spearchuckers. Kyle: [gets off the sofa] Did you guys hear that?! A hundred thousand dollars for a picture of Britney. Stan: [gets off the sofa] And she's at a hotel in our town. [Cartman gets up as well and gets restless] Kyle: It's gotta be the Komfort Inn. It's the nicest hotel in South Park. Cartman, go get your camera. Cartman: [runs off] Sweet! Butters: [finally gets up] Hey, hanguh, hang on, fellas, don't you think Britney's been through enough? I mean, maybe it's finally time for us all to just leave her alone. Stan: [thinks a bit, then] Butters, don't be such a p*ssy. Butters: [looks at Stan, then at Kyle] Hokay. [smiles] [The sidewalk. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk along, Cartman has his camera with him] Kyle: A hundred thousand for a picture of Britney peeing on a ladybug. Imagine what a photo of her crapping on a squirrel is worth! Butters: [hidden, comes to the front] Well this costume was supposed to be for the Easter musical, fellas, not for tryin' to make an easy buck! [something stops them in their tracks] Stan: Oh no. [Before them is the Komfort Inn, with a crowd of paparazzi standing in front of it. The boys walk up to the crowd] Kyle: Excuse us, we're trying to get a picture of Britney Spears! Photographer 1: Join the club. Photographer 2: Yeah, all you amateur photographers are makin' this tougher on the professionals! Cartman: We're professionals too, you f*ck' butthole! [the boys make it through the crowd and approach a set of stairs. A security guard stops them] Guard: Ah ah, nobody goes upstairs. Kyle: [stammers] We uh, we have special permission? Stan: Yeah, don't you recognize us? We're Britney Spears' kids. Guard: You are? Butters: [not amused] Not me! I'm a squirrel! [A hotel room. Britney is painting her toenails on a low table while on the phone with someone] Britney: But now everybody thinks I hate ladybugs. I didn't even know it was there. I can't take it anymore. I'm just sooo- [several knocks are heard at her door] Guard: Excuse me, Ms. Spears, but your kids are here and they've brought you a squirrel. Britney: My boys? Really? Send them in. [to the caller] It's okay. My kids are here. I feel better now. [hangs up. Stan and the others enter the room] Kyle: We did it guys! Stan: I told you that would work! The Boys: Yehehahah, all right! Kyle: Ahall right! Britney: [walks up to them] You mean, it was just a joke? My kids ain't here? Kyle: Alright. Butters, go get next to her. Butters: I ain't doin' it! We tricked her and it wasn't nice! Stan: Butters, do you want your share of the hundred thousand dollars or not? Britney: [walks back to the table] You're never gonna leave me alone, are you? Butters: It ain't right to take advantage of somebody no matter who they are! [Britney opens a drawer and pulls something out] Kyle: All right, fine! We don't need you, Butters! Stan: Yeah, we'll just get a picture of her doing something else. Cartman: [aims his camera] All right lady, just flash us your crotch or somethin'. Britney: I've got a better idea. Stan: You do? Britney: Yeah. [whips out a big g*n, shoves the nozzle into her mouth, and pulls the trigger] Stan, Kyle: NO! [the g*n goes off and she falls to the ground. The g*n falls away from her. All four boys stand there, stunned and speechless. Cartman does not take any pictures. After a bit, Cartman turns and runs out. Butters looks at Stan and Kyle, then heads for the door] Butters: [stops and looks back] You k*lled her! [leaves] Guard: Hey, everything all right u-. Oh. [A hospital. Not Hell's Pass. Stan and Kyle sit on chairs outside a room, waitiing for word on Britney's condition.] Nurse: [over the PA system] Paging Dr. Bender? Paging Dr. Bender, please? [another nurse wheels an elderly patient across the hall] Stan: We should have just left her alone. So we just had to push her. Kyle: How cold we know she would... Aw we suck so hard. Doctor: [walks up to Stan and Kyle and faces them] She's... alive. Kyle: Whew. Stan: Oh, thank God. Doctor: But, we almost lost her. Why couldn't you boys just leave her alone? Kyle: Doctor, could we talk to her for a minute? Doctor: I don't want you making her upset. Stan: We don't wanna upset her, we just want to tell her that we're sorry. Doctor: [sighs] All right. [Britney's recovery room] Doctor: [enters with Stan and Kyle] Ms. Spears, these boys wanted to say something. [Britney gargles something. Only her lower jaw and the base of her skull remain of her head] Kyle: Oh my God! Stan: Oh no! Doctor: [by Britney's side] The boys are just shocked at how good you look, Britney. [glares at Stan and Kyle] Right, boys?! Kyle: Oh, yeah. Yeh-yeah. It's a-it's not even noticeable. [Britney gargles something back. The boys join the doctor at her side] Doctor: Well, I'll let you boys have your say. [walks off. Britney gargles something] Stan: [his voice shaking] Ms. Spears, uh... we're... really... sorry for making you want to k*ll yourself. Kyle: Oh, God, what have we done?? [Britney Watch returns, complete with montage and music] Announcer: It's Britney Watch! Keeping you up-to-date with all your Britney Spears news! Reporter: [outside Denver Medical Center, with photographers swarming the area] You won't believe what Britney's done now. The troubled pop star has just been spotted with a crazy "no top part of my head" look. This video [shown as he speaks] was taken just hours ago as Britney was wheeled into the hospital for some reason. And if we zoom in on the footage, right, ri-right here [the camera zooms in on the left breast], you can also definitely see a boob job scar. No doubt now that she's had plastic surgery in the past. Anchorman: O ho ho, oh houch, that's gotta be embarrassing. Chris, any word on why Ms. Spears went for this radical "no top of the head" look? Chris: No word yet, Tom, but it could be over the embarrassment of the boob job scar video we showed just, just now. Uh, even though the timing doesn't quite work out. [Denver Medical Center, Britney's recovery room. The window begins to crowd with photographers and flash bulbs begin to go off. Stan and Kyle look back at the window. The photographers begin to clamor for Britney's attention] Kyle: [he and Stan are blinded by the flash] Dude! [the doctor reaches the curtains and closes them, but the flashes don't stop going off] Doctor: Damnit, she can't handle any stress right now! Manager: Excuse me, I'm Britney Spears' manager. [sees her in bed] Oh, jeez, Britney! Britney, what were ya thinkin'? First you shave your head and then this. Britney: Guglo. Manager: Well, it's a ballsy new look, I'll give you that. Paparazzo: Brit! Over here, Brit. One for Star Weekly. [Britney instinctively raises her left arm to shield her eyes from the camera, though she has no eyes now] Doctor: Damnit you have to take her out of here; she can't be around all this right now. Britney: Right. We need to take her home. Boys, can you give me a hand with her? Stan: Yeah, of course. [begins to help out] [A side entrance. The manager opens the door and looks around for any photographers] Manager: [softly] Okay, come on! [leads the boys and Britney out] My car is right here. [opens the door and gets in. The photographers are within earshot...] Photographer 3: Hey look! Photographer 4: There she is! [A photographer points and his face becomes distorted. The photographers rush the car before the manager can leave] Kyle: Oh crap!! [the photographers again clamor for Britney's attention, and one of them asks about her choice of shoes] Stan: Jesus Christ! Manager: Yeah yeah, it's like this all the time. [to the photographers] Thank you! Yes, thanks. [drives out of the crowd and peels away. The paparazzi look on and then pursue the car on foot] Stan: Look, uh, we feel really bad, and, and we wanna help Britney however we can. Manager: That's great, boys. Britney seems to have really taken a liking to you. And don't worry: Britney is a queen at reinventing herself. We just need to get her into the recording studio right away. Kyle: What?! [Britney's recording studio. Stan and Kyle are there with the manager and the studio crew, and they're outraged at the way Britney is being treated.] Manager: All right, Britney, let's take it from the top. Remember to bring that sexiness to it. Kyle: Excuse me, is this really what you think she should be doing right now? Sound Engineer: All right, Brit, let's try it from the top. [a studio hand gives her some headphones to work with, and she holds them up against what would be her right ear. She gargles intermittently] Female Aide: God, what a train wreck. Male Aide: She must be stoned again. [Britney continues to gargle more often and longer] Stan: Would you put a stop to this, please? This is only gonna make things worse. Manager: Whattaya mean? She sounds great. [suddenly stops the music] Ah, Britney, that last lyric is supposed to be "love elation." Sounds more like you're saying "love creation." Britney: Gogehah. Manager: E-la-tion. Really enunciate the L. Britney: Egeul-gageol Sound Engineer: Gah, she's so stupid. Stan: What do you expect?! Look at her! She doesn't have most of her brain! Sound Engineer: I know. She's really dumb, huh? [smiles] Stan: No, I mean, she literally doesn't have most of her brain! Her head is gone! Sound Engineer: [cups his hands like he's grabbing Britney] Yeah. And she's all fat, too. Britney: Okel? [MTV Video Music Awards 2007] Announcer: Live, from Las Vegas, it's the MTV Video Music Awards VJ: What's up, y'all? It's the MTV Awards and we are kickin' it off right. Here to perform her new song is the one, and only, Britney Spears! [two stage hands walk Britney out on stage] Kyle: Aw come on now, people! [the manager is pleased with the performance] Woman: Oh my God, she's really gotten chubby. [the song begins: "It's Britney, bitch!" Britney is waiting for her cue as dancers swirl around her. She begins to warble, and it echoes. She walks and immediately a dancer keeps her from falling.] Singers: The way she fee-els. [Britney leans over, and another dancer stands her up again. She warbles some more] Love inside. Man: Oh man, she's totally lip-syncing. Stan: [annoyed] She doesn't have any lips! Singers: Temporary. [Britney warbles some more. Two male dancers come by and turn her around so the camera can focus on her ass] So hot! [a few moments she gets a solo segment and four male dancers fawn over her] [Post-Awards report] Reporter: Disaster at the MTV awards. People are ridiculing Britney Spears. Her performance was awful, Tom. She looked tired, she looked fat, she didn't have a head. It was just completely phoned in. No doubt, Tom, that girl has major issues. [A green room. Britney, her manager, and the boys are watching the news report] Manager: Don't listen to 'em, Brit! They're all just jealous. And we can put you on SlimFast tomorrow. [walks over to the door and opens it. The paparazzi is there, piled on from floor to ceiling] Hang on, hang on, she'll be out in a minute. [leaves, closing the door. No paparazzi get in. Once the place is silent, she sits back on her armchair and relaxes with a sigh. Stan and Kyle can only look on] Stan: We have to get her away from all this, dude. People just aren't gonna let up. We have to take her somewhere to just be at peace. Kyle: Dude, where in the world can Britney Spears go where nobody will bother her? Stan: [strokes his chin and takes a few steps forward] I know where. [TransTrak station: "Travel by Train." It's 2:24 in the afternoon when Stan pops up at the window] Stan: We want three tickets to the North Pole. [the clerk stops what he's doing and looks around] Clerk: The North Pole? [leaves his chair and walks to the window] Who the hell goes to the North Pole? Stan: We do. Me, my friend, and his aunt. [Kyle and Britney stand behind him. Britney is wearing a wig, sunglasses, and hat as a disguise] [Britney Watch returns...] Announcer: [breathless] It's Britney Wowtch! Ron: A distraught Britney Spears has apparently disappeared and abandoned all those close to her. A local housewife caught a photo of Britney running away in this disguise! [a sh*t of Stan and Kyle leading Britney down the street] Robert Pooner: Britney is obviously very upset about her MTV performance, Ron, and so she's become desparate. Most troubling for her is the fact that her disguise has total camel toe. [the camera zooms in on her crotch to show what looks like a camel's toe under her shorts] Ron: Oooooh, ouch! Anchorwoman: Oh boy, now, Leslie, this seems like a really bad camel toe offense. Leslie: Absolutely maaajor camel toe, Tracy. Britney just seems oblivious. She was bound to get noticed: you walk around with that kind of cam toe and you're gonna turn heads. Ron: [grunts a little] Eh, David, any idea as to how big the camel toe actually was? [a sh*t of Britney and a camel toe together] Robert Pooner: She was sportin' toe like never before, Brian. I, I don't know what's wrong with that girl, but, it's a slap in the face to camels all over the planet Ron: Those close to Britney say they are very worried and want to bring her home safe. And now back to the local news. Tracy: [a picture of Butters being dragged towards an animal control truck] The giant squirrel which was picked up last week by animal control apparently now thinks it's a person. Colorado officials have taken the squirrel to Johns-Hopkins for psychiatric evaluation Ron: Hm, that squirrel is obviously nuts. [The platform at TransTrak.] Kyle: Platform 4F. Uhhh, it must be on the other side of the station. Paparazzo: [behind the boys] There she is! It's Britney! [nore photographers show up and begin to take pictures] Stan: Oh no. [he and Kyle quickly whisk Britney away, the photographers hot on their tails. They pass a room whose door is slightly open. Seconds later they return to it, go in, and shut the door] Stan: Dude, they're never gonna let us through. Kyle: Yes they are! I have an idea. Paparazzo 2: Britney? Where'd she go? Paparazzo 3: There she is! [Kyle appears wearing Britney's disguise. He turns to look at the paparazzi, then runs away. The paparazzi start taking pictures and following him. He runs down the street, the paparazzi pursue him] [Inside the train. Stan leads Britney to a couple of seats by a window. Britney is wearing Kyle's hat] Stan: It's okay, you'll be in the North Pole soon. [Britney gargles something] [The streets. Kyle continues to lead the paparazzi away from Britney and tries to lose them at the same time] Manager: There she is. Hey Britney, it's me. [Kyle ignores him and keeps running. He joins the paparazzi in chasing "Britney" down. Kyle runs through a park; they're right behnd him. Kyle runs into a garden full of statues, stops, and turns around] Britney. It's over. What were you runnin' for anyway? Paparazzo 4: Hey, wait a minute. Where's her camel toe?! Kyle: [takes off the sunglasses] I'm not Britney Spears, alright?! Paparazzo 5: Ooo, psych! Manager: She must be back at the train station; come on! [they turn around and go back-] Kyle: Now, wait a minute! Everyone stop for one minute! [the group turns around. Kyle drops the sunglasses] Look, you guys are gonna end up k*lling her. Can't you see that Britney isn't in any condition to handle this crap anymore? I know watchingn celebrities go down can be fun. Me and my friends are as guilty as all of you, but maybe, wulljust, maybe, ...it's time to let this one go. Just this one time, let's, let's all stop before it's too late, huh? Paparazzo 6: [steps forward] Son, you don't seem to understand. Britney Spears... has to die. Kyle: [quizzically] Huh? [thunder starts rolling in the distance] Paparazzo 7: What do you think all this effort has been for? Manager: [a sinister smile crosses his face] It cannot be stopped. The purpose is too great. Officer: She must... die. Background Singers: Hetus. Alte omnebus. [the photographers begins to join in] Virtu e poquebus. [other adults join in this nonsensical Latin chant] [The TransTrak train heads north through the Rockies] Narrator: Little Stanley was tired and hungry. But he knew that for Britney Spears to be safe, he had to get her to the North Pole. Stan: You doing okay, Ms. Spears? [she gargles. From the train's cab, the conductor looks back at Britney and Stan through the cab door's window] Conductor: [on the phone] It's her. Um no, I'm sure it's Britney Spears; [looks at a photo] it looks just like the picture. [the photo he holds is that of a camel's toe, not of Britney] You want me to, to what? Yes, I understand. [begins chanting] Rectus. Hoc honebus [A small town. A car stops and its passengers empty out: Britney's manager, two cameramen, and Kyle. The manager walks up to an elderly man and shakes hands with him] Elderly Man: Hello, I'm Bob Summers, so glad you picked our little town. Kyle: What is going on?! Why do you want Britney Spears to die?! Bob Summers: Well nobody wants her to die, little boy. We all simply... need her to. Do you understand? Kyle: NO! Paparazzo 8: look, kid, throughout history people have found it necessary to engage in... human sacrifice. Bob Summers: In ancient times, humans would commonly pick one lovely girl, adorn her with jewels, treat her like a goddess, and then... watch her die. Paparazzo 9: We like to think we're more civilized now, but the truth is our lust for t*rture and death is no different than it was in gladidator times. Paparazzo 10: Only difference is that now we like to watch people put to death through magazines and photographs. Canadian Paparazzo: It's a damn shame too. Old ways were bettah. Used to be we just picked someone by lottery and then stoned them to death. Woman: Stonin' to death was too violent. Rather have the sacrifice k*ll itself. Kyle: You mean everyone has been wanting Britney Spears to k*ll herself? Man: Britney was chosen a long time ago, to be built up and adored, and then sacrificed. For harvest. Paparazzo 11: All right, everyone's about here. Kyle: [bewildered] Who's everyone?! Who all is in on this?! [The TransTrak train. Everyone is sleeping when the train comes to a sudden stop and the whistle blows. They wake up.] Male passenger: Hey, where are we? This isn't right. [Stan looks out the window quickly. Outside is an empty field, but a horde of photographers race through it and reach the train, clamoring for her attention and ready to take pictures] Stan: Oh no! Britney: Ohhh thoooo! Stan: [hops down and grabs Britney's hand] Come on, Britney! [pulls her out the opposite side and into the field] Come on, come on! [as they run, Kyle's hat falls away. They reach the end of the field and enter a clearing. They look around and find themselves surrounded. All sorts of people are there, not just paparazzi. The escape route they just used is closed off by more spectators. Stan looks around and some faces are recognizable, like Irene. Sheila and Gerald show up] Kyle: Mom, Dad! [runs up to them] They're gonna k*ll her! They're going to in-. Wait, what are you doing here? Gerald: It's okay, Kyle. Just... be a good boy. Kyle: Good boy? You know all about this? Stan: Kyle, what the f*ck is going on now? Kyle: She's been built up to be sacrificed, Stan! Stan: Sacrificed? For what? Randy: For harvest, Stanley. Same reason we've always done it. Canadian Paparazzo: Sacrifice in March, corn have plenty starch. Kyle: Corn harvest! Randy: We haven't told you about it, Stanley, because we, we like to wait until kids are a little older to talk to them about things like condoms and ritualistic human sacrifice for harvest. Stan: All right, enough already! This has all gone on long enough! Manager: The kid is right. This has gone on too long. Paparazzo 12: Yeah. She was supposed to have k*lled herself a long time ago. Farmer: And harvest is coming soon. Bob Summers: All right, folks,let's finish this quickly. [everyone whips out a camera and starts taking pictures, closing in on Britney all the while] Stan: No wait. [Britney groans. People get close, take pictures, then make way for more people] Woman 2: Come on, hurry up. Woman 3: [obese] I can't run. You go ahead, I'll catch up with ya. [the barrage of picture-taking continues. The McCormicks come up to take pictures. Britney drops to the ground, sort of pleading to be left alone] Mother: Here Davey. [hands a camera to her son. The barrage continues, with Randy, Liane, other familiar faces... Britney wilts under the lights and finally lies down completely] Bob Summers: [throws out his arms] Hold on. [a doctor walks up and checks for vital signs] Doctor: She's d*ad. Randy: Well, I think it's time for us to leave the poor girl alone. [everyone turns and goes off in different directions under a windy and thunderous sky. Stan is left alone staring at Britney's corpse. Kyle is a little further away, but he too looks at the corpse] [Harvest time, dawn. The corn fields are shown, their stalks tall and full of corn. Three men are harvesting corn by hand nearby, and a motorized harvester takes care of corn in the distance] [The town, late morning. A farmer's market is up. Two men are shown close-up in a booth stocked with yellow and white corn] Gil: Mornin' Bill. Bill: Mornin' Gil. Gil: [inspecting some yellow corn] Nice-lookin' corn. [South Park Market, day. Randy and Sharon check out the corn. Sheila passes.] Sheila: Hey Sharon, Randy, great harvest, huh? [begins to check out the corn as well. Sharon puts some corn into her shopping cart] Randy: An incredible harvest. Some of the best corn I've seen in years. ET Reporter: [on TV screens throughout the store] She's the daughter of a country singer, and the young girl has really taken the country by storm. Hannah Montana's Miley Cyrus, though only fifteen years old, is already on her way to being a major superstar. Jimbo: [near the beginning of the report] Hey, check it out! [the report ends and ominous music begins] Randy: [glued to the screen] Looks like next harvest will be even better. [begins to chant. The other shoppers join in, then Sheila, and finally, Stan and Kyle. The image of the ET reporter and Miley stays onscreen] [End of Britney’s New Look.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "12x02 - Britney's New Look"}

foreverdreaming

[South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Mackey is speaking to the class] Mr. Mackey: M'kay, kids, we have something very serious we need to discuss today, hm'kay? It appears that some kids are getting high by choking themselves. Some kids call it "The Choking Game," hm'kay but, but cholking yourself is bad. Hm'kay? Don-, don't do that. Hm'kay? Kyle: You can get high from choking yourself? [Kenny feels for his neck through his hood, then squeezes once he finds it] Mr. Mackey: Schoolchildren are often experimenting with dangerous ways to get high, hm'kay, like sniffin' glue, guzzlin' cough medicine, huffin' paint, hm'kay? But they're all bad. M'kay? Butters: Mm-my cousin's in Florida, and said kids in their school get high off of cat pee. Cartman: Cat pee? [Kenny lets up and then tries to choke himself again] Stan: That's not true. You can't get high off of cat urine, can you? Mr. Mackey: Well, it's a it's not actually cat urine, but male cats, when they're marking their territory, uh spread concentrated urine to fend off other male cats and... a-and that could get you really high. M'kay? Re-really reeeally high. Okay? [Kenny is trying really hard to choke himself] Probably shou-shouldn't have told you that just now. Hm'kay? Tha, that was probably bad. [Cartman's house, day. The original four boys are there, gathered around the coffee table on which stands a frame holding a cat in a harness. Cartman is almost done with the cat] Cartman: All right, this should keep my cat in place while he spreads the urine. [Mr. Kitty meows] Yesss, poor Mr. Kitty, are you just so upset right now? [Mr. Kitty meows] Kyle: You guys are wasting your time. Stan: Yeah, this is not gonna work. Cartman: Okay, ready Kenny? Kenny: All set. Cartman: Ahright, bring out...! The other male cat. [Kyle walks to a pet carrier, opens the door, pulls out a brown striped cat, and places it on the coffee table opposite Mr. Kitty. The two cats meow at each other first, then growl at each other. After a short while, Mr. Kitty sh**t concentrated piss out his ass and Kenny gets it in the face.] Kenny: Ow. Kyle: Whoa! [Kenny staggers backwards. The other guys gather round him] Stan: Do you feel anything? Cartman: Well, Kenny? Are you buzzed? [Kenny's not responding. His mind is elsewhere...] [Kenny's eyes are unfocused as his mind goes into an altered state. He seems to be going through space, then an acid trip, then both. Kenny descends into a Thunderbird fitted with rocket boosters and takes the wheel. He heads towards a desert planet and lands with a thud. He quickly shifts gears and peels away. He drives through the desert landscape until a curvaceous woman steps into his path. He stops. She wears a stylized cowboy hat and skimpy clothes. Kennyy motions over and lets her take the wheel. Kenny can't help but look at her breasts. They head towards a huge building with breast-shaped touches al overs. The woman steps out and walks towards the stairs, then enters the building. Kenny quickly follows suit. As they walk through the building a creature s*ab another one through the skull, k*lling him] Kenny: Hay cool! Check it out! Father: I see that you're enticed by my daughter's awesome rocking tits. Kenny: Yeahhh Father: Then bathe with my daughter in the fountain of Varnov. Appease the gods by lathering her boobs with soapy suds. Kenny: Okay. [follows her towards the fountain. At the fountain's edge, she undresses, then he beginsn to undress] Cartman: [through Kenny's hallucination] Kenny! Kenny, wake up! [In the middle of town, Cartman is stopping Kenny from disrobing any further] Wake up, Kenny! You all right?? Kenny! Kenny: What? [opens his eyes and looks around] What's the matter? [stands up and pulls up his pants.] Cartman: Dude, that cat urine really f*cked you up. You were seriously tripping balls. Kenny: You f*cking assh*le! Cartman: Agh Kenny! Knock it off! What's wrong with you? [Kenny begins to chew him out and punch him a few times] Ah, Kenny! [Stan and Kyle come up to restrain Kenny] Kyle: Dude! Dude, Kenny, calm down! Kenny: [walks away from them a bit] How can I calm down? You should've seen those titties. Stan: What titties? Kenny: [turns around] The titties! On a ... Kyle: Kenny, all you did after the cat peed in your face was start running around in circles cheering. Stan: Yeah, and then you ran through town screaming and then started tearing off all your clothes. Kenny: I must... touch them. Kyle: Dude, I don't think we should be messin' around with that crap anymore. [The Broflovski house, living room. Gerald walks in, grabs the remote from the sofa, turns on the TV, and sits down to watch] Announcer: Next on FOX News! [SPECIAL REPORT: FOX NEWS] It's the newest drug craze. and it's k*lling your kids! ["k*lling your kids" appears over scenes of kids falling over] Gerald: k*lling our kids? [leans forward] Reporter: All over America, kids are getting high... on cat urine! [two women have their cats face off, and one of them gets concentrated urine on her face. She laughs] Huffing cat urine apparently causes a euphoric state [the affected woman moved her arms up and open, then freezes as her eyes get unfocused] and is also referred to as... cheesing. [Letters cut out into cheese shapes appear: "CHEESING." Cut to the front of J. Brown Elementary School, day. "Have a good day, Students"] Why "cheesing?" Because it's "fon to due." [the words appear onscreen. Cut to a girl's silhouette] This sixth grade girl said she's been snorting cat piss for several months. Girl: [in a deep, electronically-altered voice] We sometimes sneak out during recess and a friend named _________ goes and gets her cats, and we'll just cheese all day long. Gerald: Oh my God! Sheila! Come look at this! Reporter: So how can you tell if your child is cheesing? [some graphics begin to appear] 1. Your child seems distant, preoccupied. 2. Your child's face smells like cat urine. 3. When you see tigers at the zoo, your child starts grinding his or her teeth. You might also notice by certain phrases your child says to school friends, such as "Hey, lete's go cheese." or "Do you feel like cheesing, guys?" or "Dude, I'm cheesing my F-ing brains out right now." Sheila: [now standing next to Gerald] Kids are doing this?? Reporter: Kids do it because it's legal. [a teen boy looks at the camera with a fierce face. A skull and crossbones appear over it] What can you do before it's too late?? [a picture of a cat switches with its negative for a strobe effect a few times, then ends with the negative and a meow] Gerald: We have to protect our children from this, Sheila. [Town meeting, next day. On stage are Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria, Mayor McDaniels, Gerald (at the podium), Sheila, and Officer Barbrady] Gerald: Twenty percent of American students aged six to twelve say they have tried cheesing at least once. Kids also refer to it as "the cheese game," or "vitamin cheese," or "Mary Jane piss in your face fun time." Cheesing is spreading fast. Sharon: [stands up] Alright, we're all sufficiently scared, Gerald, but what could we do? Gerald: I have written up a bill that would make having a cat illegal in the city of South Park. Steven: [stands up] Gerald's right. We all have to face it. Cats are deadly animals! If you stick your nose up their crotch and snort their piss, they can k*ll you! Gerald: With my super lawyer powers, we can rid our town of cats, so that our kids never get high again! Randy: [stands up again] Let's hear it for Gerald! Steven: [stands up again] Hooray for Gerald! [the rest of the audience begins to cheer and argue] [The neighborhood. Black vans arrive and DEA agents jump out of them. The agents enter people's houses and confiscate any cats found there. Soeme agents take away a small boy's cat. Bebe loses her cat Thumper to a pet carrier. A kindergartner in her sandbox cries as an agent grabs her cat out of her hands] Girl 1: No! No! Agent 1: Oh wah wah! Get over it, druggie. [walks off with the cat] Jeez... [Two other agents leave another house with a cat] Girl 2's Father: Goodbye, Scrambles. [his daughter cries into he left pant leg] We'll miss you. [nearby, the cats are tossed into the DEA vans and taken away] [Kenny's house, night. He's about to cheese when two agents break in and confiscate the two cats he has there] Agent 2: [voice only] Got two here. Kenny: Hey! What the hell are you doing?! Agent 1: Sorry, these are illegal. Kenny: What?! Hey! Give them back! [the agents toss the cats into the van] Give them back!! [the van drives off.] [Cartman's house. Three agents comb the living room] Cartman: Look, I told you, I had a cat. But I had it put to sleep 'cause it pissed me off. [the agents soon leave, and Cartman walks up to the dim attic with a small book] Shh. Mr. Kitty, you have to live in the attic for now. [drops the book in front of the cat] Here. Write a diary. [South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Butters stands around while Cartman and Stan visit their lockers. Kyle walks up to them.] Kyle: Guys, have you seen Kenny? Stan: Nah, I think Kenny's out sick today. Kyle: Yeah, and he was out sick yesterday too. Guys... [Cartman and Stan turn to listen] I think Kenny isn't here because he's at home cheesing. Butters: Waww come one. Uh-Kenny knows how dangerous cheesing is. Stan: Yeah, and where is he gonna find cats anyway? They've been outlawed. Cartman: Yeah, who has cats these days? [laughs nervously] Kyle: Pot's illegal too, but people still manage to find it. Ever since that first time Kenny cheesed, he hasn't been the same. You've all noticed the change in him. I'll bet Kenny's a t home cheesing right now. [Kenny's hallucination. He's back in the alternate world, this time riding a giant bird, but the landscape is the same - breast shapes are everywhere. Kenny sees the woman from his first trip, but now she's strapped onto a rack and is being whipped by three burly men. These men are mutants with four breasts instead of two, and two more breasts on their shoulders. Kenny gets pissed at her treatment. She sees him fly by. Kenny lands and hops off the bird, finds a metal spear nearby, and lauches it. It strikes the red-shirted mutant man through the neck and out the sternum, k*lling him. Kenny then runs to the woman, but stops short. She winks at him and he sets her free. They both ride on the giant bird, with the woman's boobs riding on Kenny's head] Kenny: Woohoohoo! Woooohoooo! Woooohoohoo! [Kenny's house. Kyle, Stan, and Butters stand outside his door. Kyle pounds at the door.] Kyle: Kenny? [pounds three more times] Stan: Kenny, you home? [Kenny screams some more. Alarmed, the boys open the door and enter the house. They see that Kenny was indeed cheesing. Two cats look back at them. One of them is black] Kenny: [really high] Wooooo. Look at me! Look at me! [the black cat runs out] Kyle: Kenny! Kenny: [still makingn flying motions] Lookkk at me! Wooooooo! Butters: Whoa boy, he's cheesed out of his mind! [Kenny flutters some more, stops, and passes out, falling to the floor] Stan, Kyle: Kenny! [Moments later, Kenny is at the dining room table. A lock of his hair peeks out from under his hood. Butters has prepared a cup and gives it to him. Stan and Kyle stand nearby] Butters: There you go. Wuh try some coffee, Ken. Kenny: Hunf. Hrrrr. Kyle: Kenny, we need to have a serious talk. Kenny: No we don't, guys. Stan: Yes, we do. We're your friends, dude. We're not gonna let you ruin your life. Kenny: I'm not ruining my life, okay, you Goddamned f*cking psychos. Kyle: Look at yourself! You've got to lay off the cheese! [abruptly, Kenny vomits, stops, then vomits again. Some of it gets on Butters' face and shirt.] Butters: Yeah, that's it little buddy. Just let it out. Stan: Kenny, I know we're super-cool and everything, but if we ever catch you cheesing again, we're gonna tell on you. Kenny: [exhausted] Eh okay, okay, I just wanna sleep now. Butters: Yeah, he needs some sleepy night-night, doesn't he, buddy? Kyle: [grabs the other cat as it walks up to him] We've gotta keep this away from him. [Cartman's house, night, Cartman's room. He's asleep. A cat meows and awakens him] Cartman: [sits up] Mittle Kitty, shhh! [Mr. Kitty meows again] Damnit! [gets up and leaves the bed. A small door to the attic opens and Cartman pops in with a candle. Mr. Kitty is nearby] Shhh, Mittle Kitty you have to be quiet, or else they're gonna find you. [Mr. Kitty goes to a window and meows. Cartman follows him to the window] What?! [looks out a half-moon window] It's the neighbor cat. He hasn't been caught yet. [Mr. Kitty meows] No- no, Mr. Kitty. I know you like Rufus, but he has to fend for himself. [Mr. Kitty meows] I can't hide anymore cats, Mr. Kitty. [crosses his arms]I'm in trouble enough as it is. [Mr. Kitty paws at Cartman] All right, all right, fine. [heads to the attic door and goes downstaris, closing the door behind him] [Cartman's house, outside. Cartman appears around a corner dressed in overcoat and fedora] Cartman: [whispers and motions]All right. Come on, Rufus. Quietly. [two kittens walk up next to Rufus] Oh jeez, no, no, I can't hide you all. [they all look at him in a needy way] I'm sorry, you'll just have to find somewhere else to- [the cats lower their head further while focusing on Cartman] Well, I suppose I'll get in just as much trouble for four cats as for two. Come on. [turns and leaves] [Kyle's house, day, Kyle's room. Sheila enters with dry clothes, walks to Kyle's dresser, and starts putting his clothes away. After putting away a pair of briefs she spots a cat hidden between his shirts and his briefs] Sheila: Huh? [removes the clothes from the cat] Oh my God... [moments later she's downstairs standing next to Gerald.] Gerald: Kyle! Kyle, can we talk to you for a minute, please?? Kyle: [walks up to them] Yeah? Gerald: Kyle, have you been getting high?! Kyle: [shrugs] No. Gerald: Then why did your mother find this [holds up a bag of contraband - the cat] in your dresser drawer?! Kyle: [holds his hands out in denial] All right, look, th-that isn't mine. I'm just holding it for a friend. Sheila: [pointing] Don't lie to us, Kyle?! Gerald: How long have you been on the cheese?! Kyle: I'm not cheesing. I've never cheesed once in my life. Gerald: Get up to your room right now until your mother and I figure out how to deal with this! Kyle: Dad, will you just listen to me for a second? Gerald: NOW, KYLE! Kyle: God!! [goes upstairs] Sheila: Gerald, what are we gonna do? [Gerald moves forward holding up the cat in the bag] Our son is a cat pee addict. Gerald: First thingn is we've gotta dispose of this! Sheila: What are you gonna do? Gerald: I'd better just... take it down to the basement for now, m-make sure Kyle can't find it. [heads off] [The basement. The door opens and Gerald enters. He locks the door and goes down a few steps, then looks at the cat.] Kyle: [showing a weakness of some sort] No. No, what am I thinking? I shouldn't do this. [continues heading to the basement floor]I've been clean for ten... years. I haven't even been near a cat. [getting dramatic] But then that report said our kids were doing it too, and... and I knew Kyle would have the same sicknesses I used to have... Now a cat is in our home, and it's too tempting. [moves offscreen. Another camera shows him approaching a contraption similar to the one Cartman made, but this one has a movie projector and screen. He takes the cat out of the bag and straps it into the contraption] I... I'll just do it one more time. [ties the cat's tail to the roof of the contraption's frame so there's no obstruction] One. Last. Time. [unfurls the screen] Then I'll call the police; have them pick up the cat. [moves a large empty box aside] And then I'll never do it again. [kneels down at the table and grabs the projector's trigger] After this one... last... time... [click. The projector begins to roll and a cat appears onscreen. The cat in the harness gets excited and begins to snarl. It finally squirts and Gerald stumbles backward a bit. He walks backward and freezes, his eyes unfocused] [Gerald's hallucination. He enters the same alternate universe Kenny has been in, but he's flying a B-17 b*mb called Jewish Princess. He's a happy pilot, and he lands on the same desert planet Kenny landed on earlier. He gets off the plane and walks foaward. The same woman who greeted Kenny greets him] Gerald: I couldn't stay away. [Hm, he's seen her before... ten years ago, at least.] Curse your rockin' tits! [Cartman's house, day. The doorbell rings. Cartman rushes to answer it.] Cartman: Who is it?! Woman: [with a foreign accent] Please! Open the doorrr. [he opens the door, and a middle-aged woman stands before him] They say you are hiding cats. Cartman: [quickly looks both ways] Hiding cats? [nervously] Why, that would be illegal. [backs into the living room] Woman: [enters] You don't understand [kneels] My little Nishka [produces the cat] She has nowhere else to go. Cartman: Oh ohno no, I cannot possibly take in another. Woman: But they will find him. Cartman: I've already taken in the Andersons' cats, and the Willinskys'. There's simply nothingn else I can- [his weakness comes through as the cat gazes at him] Then again... perhaps I could find space for just this one more... Woman: [walks in and gives him Nishka] Oh, you show such kindness in such darkest of times. [begins to sob. Cartman soon joins her] [Cartman's attic - er, secret annex. Cartman opens the door and is about to drop Nishka in when something surprises him] Cartman: What the hell?? [Kenny has somehow found out about the cats and is squeezing them to get cheesed. His face and parka are full of concentrated piss, and he can't wait for more. He grabs anotherr cat and cheezes some more] Kenny, get out of here! [Kenny whoops and dances out of the attic.] Aw, fa- Kenny! [Cartman begins to follow him down, but stops long enough to say] Bad. Kitties. [Kyle's room, day. He's moping around when the doorbell rings] Kyle: Dad! Somebody's at the front door! [the doorbell rings twice and Kyle goes to his room door] Well am I grounded or not?! [the doorbell rings three times] Ugh. Fine! I'll get it! [walks out of his room and heads to the front door, then opens it] Stan: Dude, we've got a big problem. Cartman says Kenny is reeally messed up. Cartman: He's cheesing his f*cking balls off, dude. Kyle: [quizzically] What?? Stan: He apparently got to all the cats Cartman's been hiding in his attic. Kyle: What are you doing with cats in your attic, fatass?! Cartman: They're innocent victims in this, Kyle! They have to hide or they'll be put to death! Something you just can't understand! [crosses his arms and looks away. Kyle looks angriily at Cartman] Stan: Come on, we've gotta find Kenny before he hurts himself. Kyle: I can't. My dad grounded me. [rrealizes that he could leave] Wait a minute: where is my dad? [The huge Steamline building the scantily clad woman led Kenny into before. This time, she leads Gerald in.] Gerald: Hey everybody. Good to see you again. [Gerald and the woman head for the fountain so he could suds her up. They both start undressing.] Father: Hold! You cannot yet caress my daughter's awesome boobage! Gerald: Huh... how come? Father: There is... another suitor. [Kenny walks into view] Gerald: What? [sees who it is] Get out of here, kid! Kenny: Hey! [mumbles something, but makes it clear Gerald should be the one leaving.] Gerald: You're too young for this stuff! Father: This must be decided at the Brestriary in Nippopolis! [the woman hids her privates, her father's arm blocks a full view of her breasts] [The Breastriary. It's built like the Colosseum in Rome, but each level has a different design... made of concrete breasts. The interior too is made of breast-shaped pieces, including a magnificent entrance made of ten massive breasts] Father: Now fight for the Loc-Nar trophy! [the camera pans down and left to reveal a golden trophy made of two female statuettes kneeling back to back and holding their arms out. The woman places her breasts on their hands so it looks like the actual trophy is her breasts.] [The Breastriary floor. Kenny and Gerald face off in a joust on giant ostriches - who also have big breasts. Their lances have protective tips made of... a giant breast for each lance. The rivals hold their lances up, bring them down, and charge at each other. They knock each other off the ostriches and the crowd roars. The father, emperor of this place, sits down to enjoy the match. Kenny grabs a sword with a hilt made of... a pair of breasts. Gerald grabs a breast-shaped shield and a battle ax with a normal blade on one side and a pair of breasts on the other. They are evenly matched, as neither can gain an advantage over the other.] [A sand box in a city park, day. Gerald and Kenny are fighting in it, oblivious to the crowd gathering around them. They grunt and punch each other. Kyle, Stan, and Cartman show up and Kyle spots Gerald] Kyle: Dad?? Dad! What the hell are you doing?! Jimbo: They've been goin' at it for a good thirty minutes. Gerald: She's mine, you little assh*le! Kenny: Whoopdie f*cking hoo! Sheila: [arriving] Gerald??? [A news report. A Channel 4 news reporter stands by] Reporter: The key proponent of the cat ban has been charged with cheesing in a public park. Gerald Broflovski is prepared to give a public statement. Gerald: I would like to address a personal matter: I have let myself down. And I would first like to apologize to my lovely wife. Sheila: Don't touch me. Gerald: And to the people of South Park. [a sh*t of the town square and its citizens] I was wrong, and I can't let cats take the fall anymore. It's our fault. The people who use cats for their sweet urine. [Kenny looks down in shame] We have to learn that cheesing just isn't worth it. Sure, you get to fight in the Breastriary, and swim in the fountains of Varnov with the itty titty fairies of Mammary Mountain. Stan: [puzzled] What the hell is he talking about? Kyle: [eyes closed] I have no idea. Gerald: And then you fight the boob goblin in the gazongas cave, and then the girl may thank you for it. But she. Isn't. Real. Randy: And you never really get a good look at her naked boobs anyway. [Sharon glares at him.] Gerald: Problem is, the more you go into that world, the more you need to go. Until you start bl*wing off all the real people who care about you. [Kenny looks down again] Kenny: Yeah. I guess so. Gerald: Cats aren't the problem. We made cats illegal and and then I cheesed for the first time in ten years. And kids are always gonna find a new wway to get high. Like sniffing gloe or licking toads, or fermenting feces or huffing paint. You can also look at- Steven: [cupping Butters' ears so Butters can't hear anything] Uh okay, that's probably good, Gerald. Gerald: The point is I was wrong. It's time to legalize cats! [grins wide, then begins to cheer] Heh yeah! Horray for Gerald! Eh let's hear it for Gerald! [nobody moves a muscle] [South Park, day. The camera drops down and focuses on Scrambles' house. The DEA agents return and givel Scrambles back to his family] Girl 2's Father: Scrambles! So good to have you back! You ain't sore at us, are ya? [Scrambles growls, then scratches the father all over his head. His frightened wife and daughter leave him alone] Ahh! Get him off! [the boys, standing across the street, turn around] Stan: I'm sure glad that's over with. [the boys turn left and walk away] Kenny: Meee too. Cartman: But you know, we've all learned something, you guys. We can never persecute living beings and force them into hiding. It's wrong. [a few seconds later, Kyle stops] Kyle: [cross] And you don't see any parallel between that and anything else in history? Cartman: [strokes his chin] Mmmmmmmmmm nope. I have no idea what you're talking about, Kyle. Stan: You guys! Check it out. [smiles] It's Kenny. [Kenny has crossed the street to reach a flower patch. He picks one out and inhales deeply] Isn't that great? He's just getting high on life. Kyle: Yeah. [Kenny beginsn to grab more flowers with gusto to get more of their aroma. The other boys get worried] He's getting... really high on life. [Kenny beginsn to snort and grabs all the flowers he can, treating them just as he did the cats earlier.] Cartman: Dude, he's getting super-wated on life. Kyle: [runs to Kenny] Kenny! [Stan and Cartman follow. Kenny goes into spasms and then freezes, his eyes unfocused] Stan: What the hell kind of flowers are those? Kyle: Kenny? Kenny?! [Kenny is back in the world of his hallucination, back in the modified Thunderbird. He's flying through space with the sexy woman at the wheel. Every planet and moon looks like a breast or pair of breasts. The Thunderbird goes into warp and disappears.] [End of Major Boobage.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "12x03 - Major Boobage"}

foreverdreaming

[The South Park Elementary school gym, day. The students have been called to show up there. Mr. Mackey comes out and stands in front of a big TV and between two bulky tower speakers] Mr. Mackey: Students, quiet please, m'kay? As you may or may not know, today is Canada Appreciation Day. Cartman: Oh God, I'm bored already. Mr. Mackey: M'kay, so we've been asked to show you a video from the World Canadian Bureau. Uh start the tape please? [exits right as the tape starts up. A Canadian flag appears onscreen] WCB President: [appears in his office onscreen] Hello, I am Stephen Abootman, President of the World Canadian Bureau. Do you ever stop to think how important Canada is to the world? Right now, I would like all students of Canadian descent in this school to stand up. [no one moves a muscle until one lone Canadian boy, Ike, stands up.] Just look at all these fine Canadians in your school. See how diverse they are. When you think of Canada, what's the one thing that comes to mind? Cartman: Gayness! [everyone laughs and looks at Ike, who looks chagrined.] Stephen Abootman: That's right: spirit! What is it that makes Canada so important? Craig: Nothing! [everyone laughs harder and looks at Ike.] [Canada, day, a crowd stands in front of a building with G on it.] Stephen Abootman: My fellow Canadians, for two long we have been pushed around, and ridicules! Yesterday was supposed to be a day of appreciation and understanding! Instead, Canada Appreciation Day was mocked worldwide! [the crowd begins to clamor] Man 1: [wearing #10] Nobody takes us Canadians seriousleh! Lumberjack: It's like the world doesn't respect Canada at all, eh? Stephen Abootman: That's right! And I think it's time for Canada to show the world just bad things would be without it! Together we can send a message! It's time for Canada ...to strike! Woman 1: Did you say strike? Stephen Abootman: Yes! Every Canadian join me! Join together! Man 2: Canada, on strike. Man 3: Canada, on strike. Canadians: [a different crowd sh*t for each "Canadaaa"] Canadaaa! Canadaaa! Canadaaa! Caaanaaadaaa! Canada on strike! Canada says "No more!" No more neglect! We want respect! That's what we're striking for! All you bureacrats and corporate cats Border Guard: Can all just take a hike! [rolls down his window shade] Canadians: [large crowd] It's Canaada! On Strike! [they whip out their strike signs] Canada on strike! From Vancouver to St. John's [both locations are shown], We raise our middle fingers for you all to sit upon! [a hockey team] And with our fingers up your ass, [workers at The Canadian Maple Syrup Company] you won't be very psyched [workers in the building drop syrup barrels from the upper floors] It's Canada! On Strike! [Mounties march in a circle] And we will not bow a bunch! Our resolve is strong! [A conductor leads a group of singers] We even took three hours to rehearse this striking song! [a trumpeter leans in and toots. His hat is like Kyle's] [Pizza Nut] Canada on strike! No matter where you are, [On TV at Café 180] If you are Canadian then you've got to do your part! March out of the halls! Café 180 Patron: [stands up and poses] That's right, suck my Canadian balls! [runs out and poses] It's Canada! On Strike! Canadians: [the camera zooms out to a view from space of a nation of singing Canadians] It's Canada! Canada! Canada! On Strike! [a lone Canadian laughs somewhere] [The United Nations, day.] Swiss Delegate: Ahhh, ven you say "Canada is on strike," what exactly do you mean? Stephen Abootman: What do you think it means?! [pounds the table] We're striking, buddih! No more! That's it! Until we get what we want French Delegate: Who are you exactly to authorize this strike? Stephen Abootman: I'm Stephen Abootman! Leader of the WGA! French Delegate: The WGA? Stephen Abootman: [crosses his arms] Yes! The World Canadian Bureau! [the other delegates don't react.] French Delegate: What exactly does Canada want? Stephen Abootman: We want: more... money! Aide 1: [with mustache] Yeah! More money! Japanese Delegate: More money from where? Stephen Abootman: Just more money! You know! Canada doesn't get enough money! Other countries have lots of money; we want, we want some of that money! Hu- how about- the Internet? The Internet makes lots of money! So give us some of that money! Aide 1: Yeah! Give us Internet money! British Delegate: A Mister A- Abootman, you seem to- not understand how ...global economics works. I think that- Stephen Abootman: Don't give me that fat-cat fancy lip-wiggling! Are you gonna give Canada more money or what?! [pounds his fist on the table a few times] British Delegate: I'm afraid we can't. Stephen Abootman: Then you leave Canada no choice. [heads for the doors. His aides open them and he heads out] This strike shall continue! [the aides head out, closing the doors behind htem.] [A snowy night in South Park, a sh*t of Kyle's room through his window. Kyle heads to the front end of his room to look out the window. Out on the sidewalk stands Ike with his own strike sign: "HONK if you support CANADA" Cars pass by without stopping. Kyle suffers for him. A car pulls up and Ike turns to face it] Husband: "Honk if you support Canada" He- hey honey, watch this. [honks twice] Wife: [looks at him] Oh, we're supporting unions. Husband: That's right; we're a very progressive couple. Wife: Yes. [reaches over and honks the horn] Oh, that's fun! Husband: Well we've done our good deed for the week. I think now I can make love to your anus without making God angry. Wife: Oh really? Goodie! [they drive off. Ike watches them leave] [Stan's house, day. Stan, Butters, and Cartman are watching TV. Kyle walks in from outside] Kyle: Guys, I'm really worried about my brother. Cartman: We don't care. *urp.* Kyle: You should care! This strike affects everybody, fatass! Stan: Sh ush ush, it'sa it's on! Butters: Yippie! Announcer: It's the Terrance and Phillip Show. [Terrance and Phillip in] Today's episode: I Fart Huckabees. [Terrance and Phillip are shown dressed in Viking warrior outfits] Butters: Aww, this one again?! Stan: God, they've replayed this one like eighty times now! Terrance: Say Phillip, I just bought this new hybrid car. Phillip: Oh? Does it run on electricity? Terrance: [the boys say the line too] No, it uses natural gas. [they do raspberries as Terrance farts on Phillip. Terrance and Phillip laugh] Phillip: Not as fat as your face! Butters: Huh, it somehow looses its punch after multiple viewings. Cartman: God-damnit, when are they going to air new Terrance and Phillip shows?! Kyle: There aren't gonna be new shows! Don't you get it?! Terrance and Phillip are Canadian! We have to get Canada to end this strike! Stan: It's not a big deal. We can just watch American comedy. ["Terrance and Phillip" disappears and "Family Guy" comes on] Peter Griffin: You think that's bad? Remember the time I sang "La Cucaracha" for Paul McCartney? Cartman: [jumps off the couch and runs to the TV] No! NOOO! Peter Griffin: La Cucaracha- [Cartman turns off the TV and faces his friends] We are NOT... resorting to that! [Striking Canadians, day.] Canadians: We want more! We want more! Stephen Abootman: One, two, three, four, Canada deserves more (money)! One, two, three, four,Canada deserves more (money)! Terrance: Look, buddih, me and Phillip need to go home for a bit. Stephen Abootman: Go home?! You can't leave the picket line! Terrance: But this is taking too long, and Phillip is diabetic. Stephen Abootman: Look, guy, we are to stay strong! If you don't stand with your fellow Canadians, then you are a rat! Terrance: Don't call me a rat, buddih! Stephen Abootman: I'm not your buddih, friend! Phillip: He's not your friend, guy! Stephen Abootman: I'm not your guy, buddih! Terrance: He's not your buddih, friend! Stephen Abootman: I'm not your friend, guy! [all three fall silent, and Stephen goes forward] Don't you two understand anything?! You think striking is a joke?! You think it's something to ridicule?! Weird Hat Guy: [pops in] Yah, you think this is funnih? Stephen Abootman: [moves to address the whole crowd] Don't you see that we have to stand together or else we have nothing?! Aide 1: [runs up with a cell phone] Stephen! Stephen! A call came in from the United States! They want to talk to you aboot ending the strike! Stephen Abootman: What did I tell you?! I told you we'd get to them sooner or later! [the crowd gets excited and starts chatting] Shh, shh, quiet everyone! Let me handle this. [everyone falls silent as he takes the call] Yes. This is Stephen Abootman, head of the WGA. Kyle: Uh, hi, we want you to end this strike. [he's calling from his house, with the other boys standing back aways] Stephen Abootman: Oh you do, huh?! [muffles the phone, then tells the others] They've had enough. They want us to end the strike. [everyone cheers] Quiet, quiet, shh, shh, sh- quiet, quiet! Let me deal with this. [the Canadians fall silent and Stephen returns to the phone] All right, we're prepared to end this strike! If you are agreeing that we should have more monihhh! Kyle: We totally think you should have more money. Stephen Abootman: Wwe got 'em! We did it! [jumps up and down with much energy. Everyone cheers. "Great job!"] All right, how much are you gonna give us? Kyle: Huh? Well we don't really have that much money. Stephen Abootman: Oh, negotiating hardball, are we?! What about all that Internet money?! Kyle: The Internet? Stephen Abootman: You listen to me, friend! [walks away from the crowd so they don't hear him so loudly] You'd better figure out a way to get us our fair amount of money, and until you come back with a solid fair number, I'm finished talking to you, you slimy corporate dickhead! [hangs up, then faces the crowd] Don't worry, don't worry. This is how negotiating works. This is good. We've got 'em by the balls. [Kyle looks at the phone dumbfounded. The other boys walk up] Stan: What'd they say? Kyle: They said we have to give them money that we make on the Internet. Cartman: How are we supposed to make money on the Internet? Butters: Well, how do other people make money on the Internet? Kyle: We'd have to put something up on the Internet that everyone would find fascinating. Cartman: [steps up] Wait. I've got it. [A video. Butters is on a stage with bluescreen so it looks like he's actually in a spaceship. He's in his normal clothes, and he begins to dance. To his right rises Spaceman Butters, and to his left rises Pajama Butters.] Butters: I said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the butt [the teddy bear outfit returns] I said what what? In the butt You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? [Stan gives a thumbs-up. Cartman does the same. The video is on YouToob] Let's do it in the butt. O-kay! [from behind a big chocolate heart] It's okay [Butters floating in space] Ih-if you have a little fight [a girl watches the video] Don't you worry [Butters bites into the heart] I won't bite (Not that hard) [Spaceman Butters] If you want it [a man watches the video] I'll give you power Just be gentle [Flower Butters] I'm delicate like a flower Give it to me, if you please Give it to me, if you please A Nun: Oh my. Butters: [now in three voices] I said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the butt [wearing black jeans with "what what" on the butt] I said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the butt You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? [a naked Butters holds a rose] You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? Let's do it in the butt. O-kay! [Kyle's room. The boys have been watching the video from there] Cartman: There's more people viewing it! Stan: This is going great! Kyle: [walks over to the window] Don't worry, Ike! The strike will be over soon! [Ike is on his back] [Canada, night. The Canadians are b*at. Some walk around listlessly, others have facial hair, all have bags under their eyes] Tom: And in other world news, the leader of Japan today is calling for an increase in military spending. Aide 1: How come they never mention anything about us?! When are they gonna get to the strike?! Stephen Abootman: Don't worry, the strike is big news. I'm sure it will be one of the top stories. Tom: In other news tonight, it the Internet video that has already seen over ten million views. A young confused-looking boy dancing and singing a song called "What What (In My assh*le)" Reporter: [in front of Butters' house] Tom, in just one week the video has become the most watched thing in all of America. [Butters appears at his bedroom window and waves at the camera] The boy in the video, referred to by most as "that little gay kid," [Butters stops and leaves the window] has already been asked to appear on Jimmy Kimmel and The Today Show. Stephen Abootman: Aw damnit that's not news! What abaout us?! Phillip: Look, ah, Stephen, Terranace and I were talking andeh, well it's, it's starting to look like maybe we're not gonna win this thing, you know? Stephen Abootman: We'll win! We'll just have to stay resilient! Phillip: Wull, yeah, but everyone is dying of starvation. Terrance: Yeah, let's give it up, guy. Stephen Abootman: Don't call me your guy! I'm not your guy, friend! Terrance: Well I'm not your friend, buddih! Stephen Abootman: Well I'm not your buddih, guy! Woman 2: Wait! Here it is! Turn it up! We're on! Tom: And finally tonight, a new development in the Canada strike. For those of you who don't remember or don't care, Canada has been striking for more money. [the Canadians cheer] Stephen Abootman: All right! Shh! I told you, I told you, listen, listensh, listen listen listen. Tom: In a shocking turn of events, it now appears that thousands of people from Denmark are flooding into the United States with hopes of taking the place of the striking Canadians. Stephen Abootman: What? [An airport. A plane from Denmark is parked on the tarmac and Danish people pour out of it. The Danish have both Canadian and normal features - Canadian bodies and jaws and normal eyes] Female Reporter: Do you really think you Danish can replace the Canadians? Danish Man: Well, where we come from it's pretty cold too, ja. We like hockey and nobody really pays any attention to us. Danish Woman: Nobody knows where Denmark is. Danish Man: Right. So when you think about it, we're the Canadians of Europe. [Back in Canada] Stephen Abootman: SCABS! How could you?! [runs up to the TV annd destroys it with one kick] [A lobby, somewhere. DIM, it says. Department of Interenet Money. Stan and the boys walk up to the help desk. They look around before Stan steps forward] Stan: Ah, hi. We made a really successful thing on the Internet, and we'd like to collect our money. Clerk: Take a number and wait with everyone else. Cartman: Ma'am, perhaps you don't recognize the Internet sensation Little Gay Kid from YouToob Clerk: [not taking time out from her work] Take a number and wait with everyone else! [Stan takes a numberd slip from the dispenser and leads the other boys to some seats in a waiting room nearby] Black Man: [slowly, a little creepily] Chocolate Raaain. Butters: Aaah. [another man walks up to the boys] Tron Guy: Hey, I know you. You're the "What What (In My assh*le)" kid. Butters: [insulted, crosses his arms] "What What (In The Butt)," sir. Stan: It's Tron Guy. I saw him on YouToob. Tron Guy: Yeah, sure. All the biggest Internet stars are here. You remember, of course, Numa Numa. [to his right is the Numa Numa guy. He begins dancing to a song] Numa Numa: Ma-iyahi Ma-iyahu Ma-iyaho, Ma-iyaha ha Tron Guy: And the Star Wars kid. [the kid starts to dance around as in his video] And the Internet sensation Cute Sneezing Panda. [as in its video, the mother panda sneezes as soon as her child moves] And there's Dramatic Look Gopher. [the camera pans by a lonely girl and focuses on the gopher, who seems to notice the camera is on him. He quickly turns to face the camera and freezes] Cartman: Wow, I've seen all you guys on the Internet! Chocolate Rain Guy: [to Butters] So, how many people have seen your Internet video? Butters: Uhhh a few hundred thousand? Chocolate Rain Guy: Huh, mere peanuts. Chocolate Rain has done gangbusters. Theoretically, I'm a millionaire. Cartman: Dude, screw you. Your Internet thing was so last year. Chris Crocker: [jumps in out of nowhere] Leave Chocolate Rain Guy alone! Leave him alohohone! I'm serious! [a phone rings and Kyle digs into his pocket] Kyle: [finds the phone...] Excuse me. [...leaves his seat and exits the waiting room. Then he takes the call] Hello? Stephen Abootman: [sitting on a cardboard box] You greedy corporate fat cat. You said you would get us moneh. Kyle: Wait we're working on it. Stephen Abootman: [stands and moves forward] You're stalling! Because you think I'll give up. You know that most Canandians are talkin' about giving up the strike already. [coughs away from the phone] You've got me over a barrel and you know it! Kyle: Sir, we're doing everything we can. Stephen Abootman: You want me to say it again?! You've got me over a barrel! There, you happy?! You've got me bent over a barrel with my tender ass just waiting to be pulverized by your thrusting manhood! [Kyle stays quiet] Do you realize how stupid I'm going to look if I call off the strike after starting all this?! I won't do it! You hear me, guy?! You're wrong! No matter what happens I will never call of this strike! Even if it means we all. Die. Kyle: We don't want you to die. Stephen Abootman: Then you'd better hurry. We don't have much longer. The blood will be on your hands. [slowly hangs up] [Back at the waiting room... Kyle returns] Kyle: We have to speed this up! [to Chocolate Rain Guy] Uh, can we collect our Internet money in front of you, please? Chocolate Rain Guy: I don't think so. Nothing takes priority over Chocolate Rain. Star Wars Kid: Oh, here he goes with the ego again. Who crowned you the top Internet star?! Chocolate Rain Guy: I did. When I became bigger than all you bitches. Tron Guy: Oh please, Laughing Baby had more times as many views as you! [the baby begins to laugh and laugh...] Chocolate Rain Guy: You'd better shut your f*ck' mouth, Laughin' Baby! Afro Ninja: Did you all forget about Afro Ninja? My Internet thing was bigger than anybody's. I made over a hundred million theoretical dollars. Star Wars Kid: Well Sneezing Panda is theoretically worth billions! Chocolate Rain Guy: You all wanna f*ck' die?! [whips out a Glock and cocks it] Chris Crocker: NOOO! [grabs the g*n and tries to wrestle it from Chocolate Rain Guy] [A battle royal begins. Tron Guy whips out a frisbee and chucks it at Numa Numa. It hits Numa Numa's left cheek] Numa Numa Guy: Haw! [Afro Ninja fights the Star Wars Kid, Numa Numa fights Tron Guy, Chris Crocker fights Chocolate Train Guy. Afro Ninja knocks Star Wars Guy away with his nanchucks, then tries a back flip and falls on his face. He gets up groggily and stumbles away. The baby laughs some more] Kyle: Okay, forget it. We'll wait our turn. Tron Guy: Hai Hayaaa! Numa Numa: Ma-iyahi Ma-iyahu Ma-iyah- [kicks Tron Guy in the balls, then lands a left hook on his face] Chris Crocker: [jumps in to separate the two men] Leave Tron Guy alone! Leave him alone! [the baby continues laughing. Chocolate Rain Guy grabs Chris Crocker by the hair and drags him around. Chris is screaming] Chocolate Rain Guy: Get ready for some chocolate pain, bitch! [aims his him right at Chris' head. Chris quickly bites Chocolate Rain Guy's right leg, making him drop the g*n. The mother panda mauls Numa Numa, Tron Guy throws his frisbee again, and Chris Crocker jumps in again] Chris Crocker: Leave the panda alone! Leave her alone, I'm serious! [the mother panda stands on her hind legs and just swats Chris out of view, k*lling him. Chocolate Rain Guy reaches for his fallen g*n, turns around, and kills Star Wars Kid with two sh*ts. The mother panda mauls Tron Guy to death, and Chocolate Rain Guy kills the panda with four sh*ts. He then aims at the gopher] Chocolate Rain Guy: Thought I forgot about you, Gopher?! [the gopher, who's facing away from him, suddenly turns its head to him, looking at him intently] Ughhh, my brains. [his head swells up and explodes. His body staggers for a few seconds, then falls to the side. One last b*llet leaves his g*n and blows the gopher's head off. Anyone who wasn't involved in the battle is gone] Cartman: Sweet. I think we're next in line now. [Kyle's house, day. Ike is still on the front lawn, still on his back. He blinks] [Canada, day. Everyone there is now tired out. Some have died, as they have X's where their eyes should be. The camera moves forward to the G (for Government) building, then flies up the side until it reaches Mr. Abootman's office. Mr. Abootman looks out the window at the crowd beneath him] Aide 1: [opens the office door] Stephen!, Stephen! They're here! They've come to negotiate! Stephen Abootman: [turns around] What?! You mean it?! [Kyle and friends walk in] Kyle: Okay, we did it. Stephen Abootman: Who the hell are you? Stan: We're the ones you told to get Internet money. Kyle: Here. [hands Mr. Abootman the money] We made ten million theoretical dollars. It's all for you. [Mr. Abootman takes the check and looks at it] Stephen Abootman: Theorretical dollars? What am I supposed to do with that?! [turns away] You little timewasters! Stan: Hey, we worked really hard to get this theoretical money! Kyle: Yeah. Everyone thinks I'm a h*m* now. Cartman: ...You are a h*m*, Butters. Kyle: Yeah, will you just end this thing now?! My little brother is gonna die! Stephen Abootman: Nooooo! I'm not gonna look like an idiot! If I f*cked up and led everyone astray, the last thing I'm going to do and admit it! [the phone rings and he turns to answer it] Yes, this is the head of the WGA. The World Canadian Bureau. [The UN, day. A conference call - the leaders talk to Mr. Abootman over a speakerphone] Swiss Delegate: Ah, Mr. Abootman. It's the global world summit leaders. We want to talk to you about the strike. Stephen Abootman: You... You do? You wanna negotiate?! French Delegate: No, we were just wondering if, when you're all d*ad, we can use Newfoundland for a new global theme park. [Mr. Abootman drops the phone and begins to weep. He walks away with his hands over his eyes] Kyle: [picks up the phone] Hello? Will you just give this guy something, please?! Swiss Delegate: Excuse me? Kyle: [Mr. Abootman leans on the door, crying] He just doesn't wanna look like an idiot, so he wants everyone to think the strike was for something. Ehjust, just give him anything! French Delegate: Well, we could give Canada some small consolation pirize Kyle: If they give you something small, will you end the strike? Stephen Abootman: Well they... act like they're giving Canada a lot so everyone thinks I did a good job? Kyle: Can you act like you're giving him a lot? Swiss Delegate: Well, why not? [Canada, moments later. Mr. Abootman steps outside to the podium and makes an announcement] Stephen Abootman: We have won! [no one reacts: they're all too tired to] Lumberjack: Well how much did we got? Stephen Abootman: Well, we uh, we didn't get everything that we wanted, but... we nogotiated hard and... we got these... [holds up some coupons] coupons to Bennigan's! And... [holds up a bag of sweets] free bubblegum... for every Canadian. [his aide steps forward and claps really fast. Other Canadians begin to clap their hands] These coupons entitle every Canadian to a free meal at Bennigan's. With the purchase of a meal at equal or greater value, of course. Aide 1: We did it! [aide 2 steps forward and claps really fast. Other Canadians begin to clap their hands] Stephen Abootman: My friends. This is the greatest victory in Canadian history. [headlines follow: The Canuck Reporter has "Canada Wins The Strike." Canadiety has "Strike over! Canada Victorious!." Canada Today has "Strike Victory Party Set For Next Week."] [South Park, Kyle's house, front lawn, day. Ike is still half-buried in the snow. A taxi pulls up to the curb and lets the boys out] Kyle: Ike. Ike! [Ike wakes up] It's over. Ike: [stands up] It's over? Kyle: Yeah. Here you go. [hands him a Bennigan's coupon and a gumdrop. Kyle and the others head indoors] Stan: Boy, I'm sure glad that's over with. Butters: Me too! Kyle: Yeah, but you know, I learned something today. We thought we could make money on the Internet. But, while the Internet is new and exciting for creative people, it hasn't matured as a distribution mechanism to the extent that one should trade real and immediate opportunities for income for the promise of future online revenue. It will be a few years before digital distribution of media on the Internet can be monetized to the extent that necessitates content producers to forego their fair value in more traditional media. Stan: ...Yeah. [Canada, the Victory Party. Kool & The g*ng's "Celebration." Everyone is just standing around. The camera pans from left to right. Mr. Abootman and his aides appear. They're all dancing] Stephen Abootman: Yeah, we did it! Celebrate, everyone! Woohoo! [the reason for everyone standing around is shown: a memorial wall on one side of the room has pictures of everyone who died during the strike. Mourners walk up with bouquets and drop them off at the table in front of the wall.] Terrance: Hold on a minute! Wait just a second! [the music stops as Terrance holds out a calculator] We just did some calculating! By NOT working during the strike, Canadians lost more than 10.4 million dollars! Phillip: And our Bennigan's coupons and bubble gum is worth roughly... three thousand and eight dollars! Stephen Abootman: Don't look at that. Come on, friends, let's dance. Phillip: You had no idea what you were doing and now you're trying to make it look like you won so that we won't set you adrift! Stephen Abootman: Damnit friends, don't you see? We won for future Canadians, guy. So the little guy doesn't get pushed around anymore. This was a victory for Canada's respect. [Terrance and Phillip don't believe what they're hearing] [The shore of a lake. A man picks away at a block of ice. Two other men come and push it away. On it are Stephen Abootman and his aides] Stephen Abootman: Eh?! What do you think you're doing?! Terrance: We're sending you adrift, idiot! Phillip: Maybe you can go live with the Danish! Stephen Abootman: You'll regret this day, friend! Phillip: I'm not your friend, buddih! Stephen Abootman: I'm not your buddih, guy! Terrance: He's not your guy, friend! Stephen Abootman: [loud and drawn out] I'm not your friend, buddih! Terrance & Phillip: We're not your buddih, guy! Stephen Abootman: [now far away] I'm not your guy, friend! [End of Canada On Strike!.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "12x04 - Canda on Strike!"}

foreverdreaming

[South Park Elementary, day.] [Mrs. Garrison's classroom. She's seated behind the desk, crying and pulling out tissue after tissue, baring her soul to the class.] Mrs. Garrison: It's like, my whole life has just been one big screw-up, you know? [wipes away tears, then throws the tissue away] I admit it, I was I was sexually lost. I was, and then I see this person on Oprah. She was a woman but then she got a sex change, became a man, but... then she got pregnant and is having a baby, which means she's still a woman all along. That means I'm really still a man, I'm... I still feel like a man Butters: Are we gonna get tested on this? Mrs. Garrison: The sex change was a big mistake, okay? [blows her nose] I was on a lot of painkillers at the time and I thought it was what I wanted. Stan: [to Kyle] Dude, wanna do some math problems? Mrs. Garrison: [tosses another tissue away, grabs another one] And then, I go to the doctor, right? And I say "Doctor, I wanna go back to being a man," and he says "There's been too much damage. You can't go back. Where are you going to find a penis?" [gets up, and his chair topples over] Whattaya mean, where am I gonna find a penis?! [throws a bust] I deserve a Goddamned penis! [throws some tissues, some books, and an apple towards the class. Stan shuts his eyes shut so nothing gets in them. Mrs. Garrison grabs her chair and crashes it through a window. Then he knocks the metal drawers over, then kicks the desk, grunting all the while] Principal Victoria: [not seen] Mr. Gar- Mr. Garrison! [he stops and looks up. He sees Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria, her arms crossed, at the door] Could we speak with you please? Mrs. Garrison: [walks out of the classroom still sniffling] What do you want? I'm trying to teach. Mr. Mackey: Uh, we think it's best you not teach until you get your personal life in order, m'kay? [Principal Victoria walks into the classroom and closes the door] Mrs. Garrison: Ohhh it's so easy for you, Mackey! You have a penis! [walks away in a huff] Principal Victoria: Ooookay students, um, obviously we've had a little emergency with your teacher, so uh, while we deal with this, we need one of you to lead the class and review for tomorrow's quiz. Cartman: [raises his hand] Oh! Me me, me. Me! Me me! Me! Right here! Right here right here. Principal Victoria: Uhh, who, who else would like to be teacher for the day? Anybody else? [no one else volunteers. Cartman stands on his chair and raises his left arm high] Cartman: Principal Victoria. Right over here. Nnnnnh! Principal Victoria: Any other volunteers, perhaps? Cartman: [now on his desk and stretching that left arm up higher] Rrrrrrr! Principal Victoria. Principal. Principal Victoria: Allright, all right, fine. Eric, you lead the class. Cartman: Yes! [walks up next to Garrison's desk] Principal Victoria: Now, just lead a review over whatever Mr. Garrison's been teaching you, and I'll be back to check on you shortly. [leaves the classroom and closes the door. Cartman turns to the board and walks up to it. He grabs the wooden pointer and smacks it softly against his left palm] Well well well. Who's teacher now? [whips it against the floor] Yeahhh. Who's teacher?! Kyle: You're not the teacher, fatass. Cartman: That's Mr. Cartman now, Kyle! And you will be wise not to interrupt my class unless you want to be suspended! [whips the pointer against the floor] Yeahhh. [whips the pointer against the floor again] Mmm yeah, you like that? [Kyle just rolls his eyes] All right, Clyde, you're first! Get up here! [whips the pointer against the floor again] Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde. [waves the pointer around a little and follows it with his eyes.] [Mrs. Garrison's house, day. She's laying on her sofa with her tissues, crying.] News Anchor: And so it appears that the local farmer's market could be soon facing complete closure. In other news tonight, a South Park bio company is coming under f*re for genetically engineering body parts onto laboratory mice. This picture of a mouse [a picture of a mouse with a human ear growing on its back] genetically altered to grow a human ear has already sparked waves of protest. Mrs. Garrison: [now attentive] What? News Anchor: But the scientists say the process could help thousands of people who've become disfigured and need ears or noses. Mrs. Garrison: Holy Freaking Jesus. [Research Group Laboratories, day. "Tomorrow's Fortune is Today".] [Research Group Laboratories, inside. Researchers move around. One of them is talking to Mrs. Garrison] Researcher 1: Using common genetics and cartilage scaffolding, we can graft almost any body part onto a mouse and allow it to develop. Here's the mouse you saw on television. [] Onc ethe ear fully forms, it can be transplanted onto a person. Mrs. Garrison: Doctor, what about a penis? Researcher 1: Well, a penis is something a man puts into a woman's vagina. Mrs. Garrison: No, no. If I gave you some of my DNA, could you grow a penis on a mouse for me? Researcher 1: You don't understand: doing this stuff is very expensive. And we've never tried a penis before; there's no guarantee it would work. Mrs. Garrison: I will give you all the money I have, so just try. Please. Doctor, I'm a man trapped in a woman's body. I need a penis. Researcher 1: All right. [Mrs. Garrison grins] All right, let's see what we can do. [South Park Elementary, day, Principal Victoria's office. Mr. Mackey is there, as well as two school officials] Principal Victoria: Eric, we've called you in to commend you for your role as student teacher. Cartman: Ey! Don't commend me! It's the students' fault for being so stupid! Mr. Mackey: Uh, "commend" means you've done a great job, Eric. Hm'kay? Principal Victoria: [looks through some papers] After leading your class through review, your schoolmates scored higher than they ever had on their tests. Whatever you did really worked on them. Cartman: [at ease] Oh, well, thank you. I believe strict discipline along with compassion for my students is catamite to their learning. Principal Victoria: These gentlemen from the Denver County School Board have something they want to ask you. Board Rep 1: [a black man] You man, word of your success as a student teacher has started the whole board thinking. We would like you to try your methods on one of our inner-citty school classes. Board Rep 2: [a while man] These kids just won't listen to any adult teachers and, since you handled your class so well, how would you like to give it a sh*t? Cartman: That sounds like a chance to really make an impact on some students who need it most. How much will you pay me? [The neighborhood bus stop. The bus pulls up and opens its doors. The boys walk out and turn right] Cartman: Three hundred bucks! Did you hear what I said, you guys?! My awesome teaching skill is gonna earn me three. Hundred. Bucks. Kyle: You're not an awesome teacher! Cartman: Whatever. The class scored super-high on the test. Kyle: The only reason we scored high was because we took the answers out of Garrison's desk! And you know it! Cartman: Yes, but whose idea was it to take the answers out of Garrison's desk? Kyle: Kenny's! Kenny: (Yeah, that was my idea.) Cartman: Oh yeah. But whatever, I'm gonna go teach those underprivileged inner-city students and really turns their lives around. Kyle: Do you know what those kids are going to do to you?! A little middle-class white boy telling them what to do? They are going to f*cking m*rder you! [walks away. Stan and Kenny follow. Cartman is scared, then he strats thinking] Cartman: Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful how I look. [Cartman's bathroom. He's standing on a stool checking himself out on the vanity's mirror. He whips out a partable hair trimmer and raises it to his hairline. He shaves his head down the middle...] [Jon Davis High School, day. Urban music plays as the establishing scenes go by. There are security scanners at the front door which all students pass through, and two security guards to go through their belongings if the students set off the scanners. The kids at this school are doing anything but studying: fighting, making out, smoking, throwing paper wads at each other...] [A classroom. The students there are quite rowdy] Principal: [enters] Students, quiet! Quiet please! [a wad of paper goes her way and hits] Give me your attention! Teen Boy 1: I'll give you my attention. All night long, Mrs. Miller. [the class laughs] Mrs. Miller: [the principal] You're on thin ice, Rodriguez! Now listen up! The Denver County School Board has sent over a special guest teacher. Class: Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Mrs. Miller: This may be your last sh*t at graduating from high school at all! I want you to selcome... Eric Cartmanez Cartman: [dressed as Jaime Escalante] Hello students. I'm Eric Cartmanez. [holds up his left thumb] Your new teacher. Teen Boy 2: What the hell is thiiis? Cartman: I am here... to teach you calculuuus. [Research Group Laboratories, day. "Tomorrow's Fortune is Today".] [Research Group Laboratories, inside. Researchers move around. One of them is talking to Mrs. Garrison] Researcher 1: Iii think you're going to be very pleased with the progress, Ms. Garrison. Mrs. Garrison: Mr. Garrison! [they approach an incubator] Researcher 1: Sorry, Mister Garrison. Your DNA has replicated and grafted very successfully with the mouse. And so... here's your penis. [Mr. Garrison gazes into the incubator. A mouse is wrapped in gauze all over, and a penis is riding on its back] Mrs. Garrison: Wow! My penis looks great! Researcher 1: Yes. It's a fantastic penis. Congratulations. Mrs. Garrison: How long before it's ready? Researcher 1: Welll, it still has some forming to do, but fairly soon. Mrs. Garrison: Let me see if it feels right in my hand. [opens the incubator door and reaches in...] Researcher 1: No! Don't open the- [the mouse escapes] Mrs. Garrison: Whoa no! Researcher 2: Don't let it get out of the lab! [the mouse reaches the entrance and escapes when an unsuspecting researcher opens the door from outside] Mrs. Garrison: Mah penis! [gives chase, and some researchers join him] Stop, penis! Come back here! [The classroom at Jim Davis High. Cartman hands out syllabi] Cartman: Okay, everyone take a sillibus and pass it to the amigo behind youuu. Teen Boy 3: Hey man, what the hell do you think you're doing?! Teen Boy 4: Yeahhhh. Cartman: Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into collehhhge Teen Boy 5: Getting into college? Maaan, we ain't gettin' in no college! f*ck you! [the rest of the class voice their protests as well. Cartman turns his back to them and looks down] Cartman: How do I reach these keeds? [faces the class, his left hand tucked under the left pant pocket] The reason that you think you can't get into college is because you haven't been taught... how to cheat properly! How do you think white people always get ahead? Because we cheat all the time- I mean because they cheat all the time. [holds up a picture] This is Bill Beelichick, coach of the New England Patriots He's won three Superbowls. How? He cheated. He even got caught cheeting, and nobody cared. Bill Beelichick proved that in America it's okay to cheat. As long as you cheat your way to the top. Teen Girl 1: Hey, I don't wanna be called a cheater! Cartman: No no. If you cheat and fail, you're a cheater. If you cheat and succeed, you're savvyyy. Teen Boy 6: This is bullshit. I don't wanna waste my time learning to cheat. Cartman: Go ahead, the door's right there. [turns left] Bye-bye, hop onnn, we will miss youuu. [the boy walks to the door and leaves. Cartman turns away from the class and sighs, dropping the photo] How do I reach these keeds? [The community park. The boys are playing in the sand box, making a sand castle. They've brought their toy trucks along. Both Butters and Kenny are present. Mr. Garrison sees them and runs towards them.] Mrs. Garrison: Boys! Boys, have you seen my penis? [the boys can't figure out what he's talking about.] Kyle: What? Mrs. Garrison: My penis is on the loose! If you see it, just try to catch it with some cheese. [runs off] Butters: [rubbing his temples] Ow. That hurt my brain. [the pain gets worse] Oww. [Jim Davis High, another smoggy day. The boy who walked out of class is playing basketball alone in the school yard. He sh**t and misses, and goes for the ball, but it rolls towards Cartman, who picks it up.] Cartman: Nice form, compadre. [walks towards the basket with the ball] Teen Boy 6: Hey, I walked out of your class, teacher. Look, I don't wanna argue with you about the merits of cheating. Cartman: Who wants to argue on a nice day like theees? How about a little pickup game? [whistles] Hey paisanoo, can you keep score for us? [a scoreboard is shown, and a boy on the platform looks over at him] Teen Boy 7: Sure thing, Mr. C. Cartman: [gets into position] Okay, you start on defense, amigo. [dribbles the ball for a few seconds, then whacks the boy on the right shin with a collapsible pointer] Teen Boy 6: [falls down and grabs his right leg] AAAAH! [Cartman continues towards the basket and scores. The score is now 1-0 Visitors] Cartman: Ohoooh, that's one to nothing, amigo! Teen Boy 6: You cheated! Cartman: What's the score, ese? Okay, let's go, your turn. [the boy is on offense. He dribbles for a few seconds and moves to the basket, but Cartman again takes out his pointer and whacks the boy's left shin. The boy falls again, and Cartman steals the ball and scores again. The boy at the scoreboard updates the score: 2-0 Visitors] That's two to nothing, amigoo. [his opponent stands up] Teen Boy 6: f*ck you, man, jou can't do that! Cartman: Look at the scoreboard, amigo. No matter how many times you say I cheated, the scoreboard says two, nothing. [throws the ball back at the boy] Teen Boy 6: I know what you're trying to say, but I still don't agree with it. [throws the ball away and limps off] Cartman: Two to nothing, ese! Two to nothing! [sighs] How do I reach these keeds? [Butters' house, day. Linda is washing dishes when she hears something squeak.] Linda: What is that? [turns around and looks. The modified mouse runs across the kitchen floor; she screams and hops onto a footstool, then lifts up her skirt] Eeeek! Eeeek! [the mouse runs across the floor again, in the opposite direction] Eeeek! Eeeek! [hops off and runs to the living room entrance] Steven! Steven come quick! Steven: [reading the paper with a pipe in his hand] What is it, dear? Linda: A penis is loose in our kitchen! Steven: A penis? Linda: Yes! It just ran across the floor! Steven: Now darling, calm down. Linda: Calm down nothing! I don't want that penis running through my house! Steven: Hoh, women. Always afraid of penises. [Butters smiles. Steven gets up from his armchair and walks to the kitchen. Butters joins him. The mouse runs across the floor again] Linda: There! There, you see it?? Steven: Oh, it's just a little penis, darling. Linda: I don't care. It's probably got all kinds of diseases. [the mouse runs across the floor again] Butters: Hey wait! I think that's teacher's penis! Steven: Your teacher's penis? Butters: Yeah, that must be his. Steven: Butters, how do you know what your teacher's penis looks like? Butters: [didn't quite get it until...] Huh? [Jim Davis High School, day] Cartman: Today we will discuss one of the fundamental ways to cheat: getting material ahead of time. [hops onto a box so he could write on the chalkboard. He draws a video camera aimed at a box marked D] When Bill Beelichick cheated for the Patriots, what did he do? He videotaped the opposing team's defense. Think of the defense as your test. When taking a test you must also videotape the defese. Learn what's on the test before they give it to you. And that way you can- [the errant student returns] Teen Boy 6: I thought that... well maybe I can give cheating a try. Cartman: Have a seat, amigo. Good to have you baaack. [the student takes his seat] All right. Now, whne Bill Beelichick got caught with his camera, he did not panic. He simply said what every good white cheater says when caught: "I mis-interpreted the rules." It's what you must also say when caught cheating! "I mis-interpreted the rules." Say it with me. Class: "I mis-interpreted the rules." Cartman: Good. Again. Class: "I mis-interpreted the rules." Cartman: Again! Class: "I mis-interpreted the rules." Cartman: Now you sound like white people! Class: [now with pounding fists] "I mis-interpreted the rules!" [South Park Supermarket. Steven and Butters have finished shopping and are packing the groceries into their car. Mr. Garrison is talking to them] Mrs. Garrison: What the hell do you mean you just put my penis outside?! Why didn't you call me?! Steven: Look Garrison, my wife didn't didn't want a penis in the house. I had to get it out. Mrs. Garrison: Well now how am I supposed to find it?! It could be anywhere! A Woman: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! [the three guys look up] Mrs. Garrison: Holy Crap! [takes off after the sound.] [The Komfort Inn. The screaming woman stands on a box while her husband looks at her annoyed] Woman: Eeeek! Eeeeeek! Husband: Carole, get down from there! Woman: Noo! Didn't you see that penis just now?! Eeeek! Husband: I'm sure that penis is way more scared of you than you are of it. Mrs. Garrison: [pops into view] You saw a penis?! Woman 2: [inside the Inn] Eeeeeeeek! [Mrs. Garrison rushes in] [The Komfort Inn Fitness Room. Mrs. Garrison finds the woman standing on a chair with her legs crossed] Woman 2: Oh, it's so big and disguuusting. Eeek. [the mouse runs across the floor and Mrs. Garrison gives chase. The penis-mouse runs down the hall and into a steam room] Mrs. Garrison: [runs down the hall] Come back here, penis! [enters the steam room and looks around] There you are! Got you! [backs out of the steam room holding a penis... which is attached to a man. Garrison looks at the penis more closely, then at the man's face] Hey, you're not my penis. [the man punches her across the face] Ogh! [the penis-mouse runs out. Garrison lets go and gives chase again] There it goes! Stop you! [Cartmanez' class. He's giving the class the answers for the upcoming test] Cartman: The answer to #27 is 5. Class: [repeating] The answer to #27 is 5. Cartman: The answer to #28 is 14. Class: "The answer to #28 is 14." Teen Girl 2: Man, what's the point? [grabs her books and heads for the door] What's the point of any of this? [cries and exits] Cartman: All right, uh, everyone review the section on sportscasters forgiving the Patriots for cheating and saying it was no big deal; I'll be right back. [leaves the classroom and looks around for the girl] Melita! Melita, hold on. [walks up to her] You can't quit now. Come on, what's wrong with you? Melita: There isn't any point to all this. I won't be going to college. I'm pregnant, all right? I just found out, and Eduardo isn't going to help me raise it. Cartman: [sighs] How do I reach these keeds? [turns around and faces her] All right, let's go get you an abortion. Melita: No. I'm Catholic. I think abortion is wrong. Cartman: Abortioin isn't wrong! What's the one thing I've been teaching you? Melita: That cheatingn is good? Cartman: Yes! And abortion is the ultimate form of chea-ting! You're chea-ting nature itself. [Melita turns right and walks off a bit] Why do rich white girls get ahead in life? Because they get abortionnns when they're young. They get pregnant, but they still want to go to college, so, whatever, they just cheat. They cheat that little critter in their belly right out of a chance at life. Melita: I don't know, Mr. C. Cartman: Mexicans are told not to cheat. "Don't cheat! You got pregnant? You have to raise the child." So then you have to raise the child while the white girls get to go to college and probably have a bunch more abortionnns. [walks around to face her] It is at our most challenging times that we must cheat... our very hardest. [Park County Police Station, day. Mr. Garrison files a police report] Sgt. Yates: [taking notes] And the last time you saw your penis was two days ago? [a police sketch artist works on a portrait] Mrs. Garrison: That's right. Officer Harris: Long whiskers or short? Mrs. Garrison: Short, and little fluffy ears. Officer Harris: Fluffy ears, okay. Mrs. Garrison: Think you got it, Mitch? Mitch Harris: I think so, sir. Is this pretty close? [shows his sketch to Garrison: it's Mickey Mouse with a giant boner under his shorts] Mrs. Garrison: [disappointed] No, no, not like that! That's just silly. [an officer walks into view] Officer: Sir, we might wanna get a unit down to the Italian restaurant on Kentner. Sgt. Yates: What is it? Officer: Call just came through. Seems a penis broke in and tried to eat their cheese. Mrs. Garrison: Wall come on! [runs out. The two other officers follow him] [Buca de f*g Italian Restaurant, night. Diners are eating their meals, and a small penis-mouse appears on the floor] Woman 2: [quuickly jumps onto her chair and lifts up her skirt] EEK! Man 2: [looks around] What's the matter? Woman 2: A penis! Woman 3: [quuickly jumps onto her table and lifts up her skirt] A penis? Where? Woman 4: There it is! [quuickly jumps onto the table at her booth and lifts up her skirt] Eek! [the other women at the restaurant do the same thing, and soon all you hear are "Eek, a penis!"] Mrs. Garrison: [enters the restaurant followed by the three officers] Where is it?! Mitch Harris: Look, there! [points to the mouse as it heads to the kitchen. A waiter doesn't notice the mouse passing by him] Mrs. Garrison: Come on! [he and the officers run to the kitchen] Chef: What'sa that peenis doing ina myii kitchen? [wields a rolling pin] Mrs. Garrison: [entering with the cops] Huy! Don't you dare k*ll my penis! [the mouse leaves through an open window] Crap! We've gotta go back around! [Outside. The penis-mouse climbs along items behind the restaurant and runs along the top of a wodden fence. The camera follows it past the moon in the distance. The mouse stops and looks at the moon] Mouse: Someone somewhere is loving me tonight Looking at the same moon and ??? Penis: Someone somewhere is feelin' my despair Mouse: feelin' my despair Penis: And this same moon is Penis, Mouse: [together] making them think of the-. Mrs. Garrison: There it is! [the mouse runs away. Garrison gives chase again, with the cops and the chef joining him. The mouse runs to the sewer and drops in] No! Nooo! [dives after it, but can't reach far enough in to get it] No! No! Mitch Harris: There's not a chance now. Mrs. Garrison: No we, we can find it! [looks intensely down through the grate] Sgt. Yates: Sorry Garrison, your penis is gone. Afraid there's nothing more we can do. You'll just have to live with being a woman. A very ugly one. Come on, men. [they leave. Garrison stands up, b*at] [Cartmanez's classroom. Mrs. Miller and Cartman stand before the class.] Mrs. Miller: Students, I want to congratulate you on your amazing test scores. The school board is so impressed with your progress that they are going to let you take the standardized advanced placement test for college credit. [a quick cheer goes up] The test is going to be heavily monitored in a private room at their location to assure that there can be absolutely no cheating. Cartman: Uh what? Mrs. Miller: The test will be tomorrow. Make us proud. [turns right and leaves the classroom] Teen Boy 8: Monitor us in a private room? Teen Boy 3: Now they're gonna know we've been cheating all along. Teen Boy 2: I knew it man! You made us believe in your way and now it's all for nawthing! Cartman: Ih it's not for nothing. Ih, if you're good enough, you can cheat right in front of them. Teen Boy 8: [stands up] Shut up, man! You reyally screwed us all! Cartman: How do I reeeach these keeeeds?! [the boy, cowed, slips back into his seat. Cartman faces the board] Just before the last Supwerbowl, Bill Beelichick gathered his football players and said, "Let's win this one for real. Just this one time. Let's not cheat." You know what happened? [dryly] They lost. [faces the class] Even if you feel all eyes are upon you, you cannot give up on chea-ting! Or else you can lose the biggest game of your lives. Teen Girl 1: Yeah, come on, we can do this, guys. Cartman: You are the true dreamers. Tomorrow you will prove it. We will begin by reviewing how to print out cheat sheets as labels for your bottled water. [A bus stop across the street from Buca de f*g, night. Mrs. Garrison is on her back on the bench, crying] Mrs. Garrison: You did this to yourself, Garrison. Get your hopes up with a stupid genetic experiment and now all your money's gone along with your penis. [a squeaky thing is heard. Garrison notices and stops crying] Well what the? [raises her head and looks down, then looks towards her feet. The mouse that has been fleeing all night is now struggling to get on the bench] Why... it's my penis. [the mouse is now wholly on the bench] My penis came back. But why? [the mouse moves closer. Mrs. Garrison lowers her left hand to the bench. The mouse walks onto her hand, and she lifts it up] I guess it's true. What's that old saying? "If you love your penis, let it go..." [Jim Davis High School Auditorium. Mrs. Miller addresses the audience while Mr. Cartmanez' class stands behind and to the left of her] Mrs. Miller: The standardized advanced placement test is considered one of the most difficult and carefully monitored tests in the country. Twenty-four of our students took the test and all twenty-four scored 100% [their parents applaud. Melita and a short boy look at each other] Teen Boy 6: Uh, can we say something? Mrs. Miller: Sure. [leaves the podium. The short boy reaches for a plaque and hands it to the taller boy, who now takes the mic] Teen Boy 6: We would like to present this plaque to the person who taught us the White People Method. Mr. Cartmanez! [Cartman, standing far from the podium and off to one side, walks up to the podium and reaches the mic. The students gather 'round him and clap as adults take pictures.] Cartman: [basking in the success] I reeached these keeeds. [South Park Elementary, main entrance. Everyone is gathered there for a special occasion] Principal Victoria: Students and faculty, please put your hands together and help me in welcoming back, Mister Garrison. [everyone claps as Mr. Garrison makes his return] Mr. Garrison: Thanks everyone. It's great to be back. I'm a man again. Thanks to my very special new friend. [the mouse that grew his penis climbs onto his right shoulder, the penis having been removed from it and attached to Mr. Garrison. Garrison turns around] But you know, I've learned that I've really been a dude all along. Because the key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. If you can't have babies, then, you're a man. A Teacher: Whoa uh wait, uh, hang on a second. My wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies. Mr. Garrison: Well then get an AIDS test, Thompson, 'cause your wife's a dude, f*g! [Thompson is dumbfounded. Garrison turns around and jumps up to click his heels] Yeah! I'm back! [End of Eek, A Penis!.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "12x05 - Eek, A Penis!"}

foreverdreaming

[Stan's house, night. He's at his computer browsing the Internet. His mom pops in...] Sharon: Get off the Internet, Stanley, it's time for bed. Stan: Mom, I just gotta do a couple more things Sharon: Now, Stanley. The Internet will be waiting for you in the morning. Off! Stan: [sighs] Aw man! [shuts off his monitor as Sharon leaves, then goes to bed. Sharon heads for Shelley's room] Sharon: Shelley, off the Internet. It's bedtime. Shelley: Mom, I'm i-chatting with my boyfriend in Montana! Sharon: Now, Shelley! [leaves and closes the door] Shelley: Why do you hate me?! Sharon: [entering Randy's study] Randy, off the Internet. Randy: Nooo. Naw come on, leave me alone. Sharon: No, mister, it's time for night-night. Randy: But Sharon, I've got stuff to do. I've gotta see my credit rating, I've gotta send an e-mail to Nelson and check out Foley's vacation photos- Sharon: You don't have to do all that now! You can do one more thing and then it's bedtime. [leaves and closes the door] Randy: [left to his thoughts] One more thing? [thinks a bit and then starts typing quickly] Ooooyeah... [starts masturbatng under the desk] [Stan's house, next morning. The sky brightens just before dawn.] [Stan's room, 7:30 a.m. His alarm goes off and he sits up, turns the alarm off, and heads for his computer. He turns on his monitor and tries to visit a Web page. His browser tells him he's not connected to the Internet] Stan: What the hell? Randy: [entering, still in his night robe] Stan! Stan, I gotta use your computer! [reaches Stan's desk with urgency and moves Stan away] Stan: What? Randy: My Internet's not working; I gotta use yours. An-and give Daddy some private time, will ya? Stan: My Internet's not working either. Randy: What?! [sees but doesn't believe] Shelley: [enters Stan's room with her laptop] Dad, the Internet's not working! Randy: [pulling on some cables]I know that, okay?! Shelley: I have to get online with my darling Amir before school starts! Sharon: [enters] Randy, I can't get my e-mail to open. Randy: [leaves the computer to be in the middle of his family] Everybody just, just calm down! Calm down, all right?! It's going to be okay! We just CAN'T. PANIC. [he's the only one looking panicked] [The Broflovski hosue, moments later. The doorbell rings and Gerald answer in his pajamas. He's got a cup of coffee with him. The Marshes are there in their night clothes] Randy: [in despair] Gerald. Please help us. Gerald: Randy. What happened? Randy: Our house... it has no Internet. Sheila: [arrives and stands next to him] Oh my God. Randy: [enters the living room] We've got nothing! It's just gone. Gerald: Come in. You can use our Internet until you figure out what to do. Randy: [gratefully] Thank you Gerald. [the other Marshes enter] Stan: [heads for a computer] I'm getting on it first. Randy: [giving chase] Oh no you're not! Stan: [steps into Kyke's room] Kyle, I need to use your Internet Kyle: Ih it's not working. Randy: [steps into Kyke's room] What?! Kyle: I've even unplugged it and plugged it back in. Gerald: No. [rushes to the computer to see for himself] No, our Internet can't be broken. Ah, I've gotta get an attachment Larry sent me last night. Randy: [firmly] It's not working, Gerald. Gerald: But it has to work! Maybe if I do a little- Randy: Your Internet's not working, Gerald! Face it! Kyle: I have to get online before school. Stan: What about Starbuck's? They have free Internet. Randy: Right, Starbuck's! Gerald: Everyone get your stuff; we can take my car. [Outside. As the two families head for Gerald's SUV, Steven Stotch walks by. Behind him, a couple stands looking at their laptop] Steven: Hey, is your- is your guys' Internet working? Randy: No! Nobody's is! Man 1: [comes out of his house with a laptop] Whaaaaat's haaappeniiiiing?! Randy: Jesus. Everyone's gonnan go to Starbuck's now. Gerald: Everyone in the car. We have to b*at them there. [everyone climbs in.] [En route. They move down the road while on either side people have no idea what to do without the Internet. ] Randy: God, the whole neighborhood's affected. [a man sticks a Yoshiba laptop in fromt of the windshield] Gerald: Get out of the way, Peterson! [motions him away] [Starbucks Coffee. A crowd is already gathered there hoping to get inside] Clerk: Folks, there's. there's no Internet here. It's not working, I tell ya. Kyle: It's not working here? Randy: Kids, get back in the car. We can go to the Mac store. Man 2: No, don't. You're wasting your time. Randy: How do you know?! Man 2: Because we just came from there! There was nothing! Not one scrap of Internet! Gerald: How can there be no Internet anywhere? What's going on?! Steven: Anybody got a Blackberry? Check Drudge Report. Randy: Good idea! [walks forward a bit and pulls out a Blackberry] No wait, we can't check Drudge Report: there's no Internet! Mr. Garrison: [with pipe and laptop] There has to be a way to find out what's going on. Gerald: We can't! Don't you get it?! There's no Internet to find out why there's no Internet! Man 3: What did we used to do to get the news before the Internet? Randy: [thinks a moment] A television! [everyone else thinks, then moves down the street as if they were one] [Tele's, moments later. Randy walks up to the plate-glass window with a chair and smashes the chair through it. Jimbo walks into Tele's first and everyone else follows. Jimbo turns on a TV and everyone else gathers to see the news. Onscreen, the small floating window says "This page cannot be displayed." At the bottom of the screen is a crawl that reads "THERE IS NO INTERNET"] Anchorman: Once again we apologize, but we cannot bring you the news. It appears that we have no Internet here at News 4. We'll be happy to bring you up on current events just as soon as our Internet is back. Randy: Jesus, it's statewide. Gerald: It could be nationwide. Anchorman: Hello? Do you have Internet? It it's Channel 4 News. No, we don't have Internet either. [everyone leaves Tele's] Gerald: No Internet... anywhere... Randy: Jesus... we're all alone... [POV change to a sh*t of the town from a distance. Another POV change to a sh*t of the town from even further away] [South Park shopping district. The town seems empty. A window shutter opens and closes somewhere. It's Monday. Next scene is a sh*t of the Marsh house, eight days without Internet. Tumbleweeds begin to roll in. Inside, no one is doing much. Randy's asleep on the couch, Shelley's sadly looking outside, Stan sits on the floor, Grandpa is in his wheelchair. Randy beginsn to cough] Sharon: What's the matter? Randy: I don't know. I need to get on Web MD and see why I have this cough, but I can't. [coughs] Shelley: What if my sweetheart is online looking for me? He could be wondiering why I don't get online with him. Maybe he thinks I'm d*ad. [looks at Stan] If my darling Amir gets another girlfriend, I'm gonna k*ll him! And you! [starts punching Stan around like a punching bag. Stan screams] Randy: [pulls Shelley away from Stan] Hey! Shelley, whoa, stop, stop! Stan: Dad, you've gotta do something! She's out of control! Randy: You're right. We just can't sit here any longer. [Sometime later. The Marshes have packed and weighed their car down with everything they can load up on it.] Gerald: Randy, where will you go? Randy: We're gonna head west. There's a rumor goin' around there might be some Internet out there. So we're headed out Californee Way. Gerald: You don't know if there's any Internet in California. Randy: Well there certainly ain't none here! Look, maybe it's time you all face reality! The Internet here is dried up! Steven: It could come back. Randy: Yeah, and maybe it won't! In the meantime I got a family who needs the Internet right away. We'll head out Californee Way and ... see what we can find. [motions to Sharon] Come on, let's go. Steven: Look, if you... if you do find the Internet, let us know, will ya? Randy: How. You won't have Internet. [starts the car and moves out] [En route to California. Randy takes the Mother Road, Route 66, all the way there. They enter Arizone and pass a man holding a sign saying "Californee. Need Internet." They stop at a Canyon Motel - which has no Internet] Motel Clerk: [fanning himself] Sorry folks, we're full up. Randy: Know anywhere else we can stay? We're... heading out Californee Way. Looking for some Internet. Motel Clerk: You and everyone else. You'll have to stay out at the transient camp with all the others heading to Californee. [motions the direction of travel] It's about a mile down the road. [Transient Camp. $50, night. The full moon shines brightly behind the trees. The camp is a tent and a farmhouse. Randy takes up the guitar and starts playing] Randy: I'm goin' down the road feelin' bad. I'm goin' down the road feelin' bad. I'm goin' down the road feelin' bad, oh Lordy. My Internet done up and went away. [an elderly man weeps] Transient Man 1: Where are you from, old-timer? Old-Timer: Kansas City. had me a store there. Kind of... computer supply store. When the Internet went, the stores went too. Transient Man 2: Things will be different when we get out to Californee. Soon as we get us some Internet we can all rest easy. Transient Man 3: Why sure, Silicon Valley. They gots a whole mess of Internet up there. 'Say a man can practically roll around in it. Transient Man 4: When I get to that Internet I'm gonna click on just about everything in sight. 'Might even click on a pop-up ad just for the heck of it. Transient Man 1: Well I'm gonna sit down at that Internet and just stahrt e-mailin'. Just keep on e-mailin' till my fingers are sore to the bone. Randy: Sure will be nice. [Stan looks really sad] Transient Man 5: You folks all headin' to Silicon Valley? Randy: That's right. We need to get online. Transient Man 5: Haha. "Get online" he says. Stan: [annoyed] What's so funny about that? Transient Man 5: Think about it. How many folk headin' out to Californee? A million? More? And how much Internet you think they got out there? [the other men look at each other] Might be some Internet, sure, but with everyone tryin' to use it at once, it's gonna go real slow-like. I knows it 'cause I seen it. My two children, they tried to load a Web page. Took them over three days. They sat there waitin', and by the time the loadin' bar was only half-full they was d*ad. [his eyes begin to well up] Starve on the Internet, with a belly stuck out like a bladder... [weeps] Randy: Come on, Stan, let's get some rest. [the group breaks up for the night] [The campsite. The Marshes have set up camp. Stan heads for a sleeping bag when he notices Shelley crying.] Shelley: Amiiir... I miss you so much... Stan: [walks up to her] Don', don't cry, Shelley. You'll be able to get online when we get to Californee. [she just sits up and punches him away like a beach ball, then lies down without a break in crying] [The Marshes enter Californee] Randy: Everyone, wake up! [the others wake up] We're here! Silicon Valley, Californee! [takes an off-ramp] [An Internet Refugee Camp, run by the Red Cross. A big-city skyline is seen in the distance. The camp is well-guarded, and cars go in one by one. Randy drives up to the entrance, where a Red Cross worker greets him] Worker: Name? Randy: Do they have Internet here? Worker: Name? Randy: Marsh. Worker: Service provider? Randy: NetZero. Worker: All right. [moves on to the next car] Once you're inside, Red Cross volunteers will direct you to your campsite. Randy: So is there Internet here? Worker 2: [voice only, from the front] Stay in line and get to your campsite. [Randy drives forward and into the camp] [The campsite interior. The camera scans the place until Randy's car comes into view. The car stops and the family steps outside. Randy walks up to two men sitting by a tent] Randy: Excuse me, we're looking for some Internet. Refugee Man 1: Yeah, they've got it here. [Randy gives a thumbs up] Stan: All right! Refugee Man 2: But there ain't enough to go around. All they got is a little Internet. [curls his thumb and index finger to create a small space between them] Barely a bar a signal. So they have to ration it out, carefully. Refugee Man 3: Ya... sign up over there and use your time when they call your name. Each family gets 40 seconds o' Internet per day. Randy: Forty seconds?? That ain't even long enough to check Wikipedia! Volunteer 1: Well it's all we got, so we gotta make do. Refugee Man 4: Look, honey, we ordered us some books on Amazon. Volunteer 2: All right, time's up. Refugee Man 4: No! No wait! I haven't entered the shipping information! [an MP hauls him away] NO! NOO! Volunteer 2: Next? Brady, John H. Randy: Awww, how am I supposed to see Internet p*rn that way? [Sharon is within earshot] Sharon: [walks up to him] What did you say? Randy: Uh, you go ahead, Sharon. Divide some Internet amongst the children. I- gotta talk to somebody. [The Broflovski house, day. Another tumbleweed rolls by. The Broflovskis are watching TV. Two anchors are on screen with a fax machine between them] Anchorman: And that's about all we know. Uhh, there might be some Internet still in California and parts of Florida, though we certainly still don't have any here. [the fax machine starts printing] Anchorman 2: A fax! A fax is coming through! [points to it with both index fingers with lots of enthusiasm] Anchorman: OH yeah, a fax!! Anchorman 2: Oh a fax! Anchorman: It's a fax, it's a fax! It's a fax, it's a fax! Anchorman 2: It's a fax, we got a fax! [the fax copy pops out and both men grab for it. ] Uh- Anchorman: Oh! it says, "The government has sent their best people to the Internet in order to repair it." Anchorman 2: [a few seconds later] We've gotta send a reporter out to the Internet! Kyle: Where... is... the Internet? [A bright morning in the Southwest desert. Military helicopters appear and descend on a secret landing] General: Gentlemen, the President is very angry that his Internet still isn't working. Scientist 1: We've tried everything, sir, but the Internet has slowed to a trickle and we can't get it working correctly. General: Take me down below! I want to see the Internet for myself! [Down below is a huge cave with research equipment all over the place.] Scientist 2: Here it is, general. The Internet. [before them is a colossal router] General: What's wrong with it? Scientist 2: See that flashing orange light in the middle? It's supposed to be solid green. General: [walks towards it a bit, in awe] My God. [The refugee camp, later. Another man is looking at the Internet.] Transient Man 6: Hahaha, thedancingkitty.com, heh, wum, I wonder what that is, hum? [the site appears in the browser] "Click on the dancing kitty and you could win a prize!" hoh, ahaha, ha. Volunteer 2: All right, time's up. Refugee Man 5: No, wait, I I just clicked on the kitty. I got it. [the MP comes up and hauls him off too] No! It wasn't long enough! NOO! Volunteer 2: Next? Nelson, Peter T. Randy: [approaches a volunteer] Excuse me, I need to uh, have some private Internet time. Volunteer 3: Look, we're just tryin' to get by here. Everyone's gotta take what they can get. Randy: [grabs the volunteer's arm, takes him aside and says in a soft voice] I haven't jacked off in over two weeks. Volunteer 3: So jack off. Randy: [lets go] You don't understand. [the volunteer crosses his arms] I need the Internet to jack off. I... got used to being able to see anything at the click of a button, you know? Once you jack off to Japanese girls puking in each other's mouths you can't exactly go back to Playboy! Volunteer 3: What do you want us to do? Pick up the whole computer and put it inside for ten minutes just for you?! Randy: Three minutes would be plenty. Volunteer 3: Get lost! [walks away] Randy: [feeling pain in his genitals] Ohhh. [Back at the campsite.] Sharon: [handing out tickets to her children] All right, each of you take a ticket. When they call your name you can use the Internet. Shelley: What number are you, turd? Stan: Eight fifty one. Shelley: [switches tickets with him] You're nine twenty three now. Stan: Hey! Mom! Sharon: [returns] Shelley, give your brother his ticket back! Shelley: Can't you all see I'm in pain?! Nobody understands pure love! Amir and I are closer than anybody in this stupid family! [runs away] [Randy walks slowly due to his aching balls. He doubles over from time to time] Refugee Man 5: Psst. Hey! Over here! [Randy looks over, then walks to the man] You... happen to be looking for Internet p*rn? Randy: Yeah, how'd you know? Refugee Man 5: Lots of us fellas came here for that reason. We all got used to seein' lots of really pervrted stuff on the Internet, so now we can't go back to Playboy. Randy: I know, right? Refugee Man 5: Anyway, we got us a simulator. You just call out what you wanna see and then say "click." Randy: "Internet p*rn Simulator" [the tent is an "Internet p*rn Simulator. Whatever you want to see."] Refugee Man 5: Give it a try. [lifts up one of the entrance flaps for Randy. Randy enters and sees a makeshift computer on a desk. The monitor is a hollow box. Randy sits down. A hand descends into the hollow box holding a sheet of paper that says "Anything you want to see with the click of a button!"] Randy: Uh, Japanese girls exchanging bodily fluids? Click. [the hand goes up, some scribbling is heard, and the hand comes down again with a picture of one Japanese stick figure pissing on another's face while the second stick figure lies on her back. This does not arouse him. He rolls away from the desk] Oh this sucks! I can't jack off to this! [no one responds] Damnit. [rolls back to the desk and unzips his pants.] Uhm, let's see. Ihinterracial g*ngb*ng. Click. [gets ready to masturbate in anticipation. The picture comes down, and it's three black stick figures with their cocks out surrounding a Japanese stick figure.] Agh. Les-shemales! Let's try shemales. Click. [another picture comes down, this one of a stick-figure woman with a penis. Randy is grinding away down there] Bestiality? Click, click on that. [the next picture is that of a stick-figure man f*cking a stick-figure pet in the ass. Randy is close to climax] Ah, ah! Brazilian fart fetish p*rn?! Click! Click! [the next picture is that of a Brazilian stick-figure woman farting on a stick-figure man.] Dahya. [the climax fails to arrive] No. No, this isn't goin' tuh work. [pounds his fist on the desk and walks out] It's just not the same. Refugee Man 5: Well, sorry. And that'll be $49 on your credit card. Randy: [reaches into his back pocket for his wallet] Well at least that part's like the Internet. [The Broflovski house, day. The Broflovskis are watching the news] Anchorman: We, we now have a reporter on the scene. Uhl-let's go live! Field Reporter: Tom, I'm at the Internet, where government officials are doing their best to get it running again. General: [through a megaphone] All right, Internet. What do you want from us? [the collosal router does not reply] If we've angered you somehow, let us know. [lowers the megaphone] Try to communicate with it digitally again. [a scientist plays a few notes on a music keyboard. There's no reply. The scientist is about to play again when the original notes are sent back, with two others. That didn't go anywhere] I've had it with this thing! f*re a warning sh*t at it! [a sn*per fires at it, but the b*llet had no effect. It just bounced off the router] Kyle: Hey, wait a minute. [gets off the couch and walks away to think alone] Is it possible that... Gerald: [stands up] What is it, Kyle? Kyle: I think... I know what's wrong. [The refugee camp, night. A woman is looking at the Internet now] Shelley: This is taking too long! When do I get to use the Internet?! Stan: It's gotta be our turn soon. Volunteer 2: All right, folks, it's bed time. No more Internet for today. Refugees: AWWW!!! [various protests are heard after this as the ] Woman: A little closer! Volunteer 2: No, no, we're locking it away until tomorrow. [the MPs unplug the computer and carry it and the desk away] Everyone get to bed! Refugees: Aw man!! [everyone walks off mumbling, disappointed] Woman: Wha??? [puts her left hand on her head and walks off with her head tilted back] Shelley: Gggggyyaaah! [punches Stan away, then walks away in the other direction] [A storage room at the refugee camp. The volunteers put the computer away and Volunteer 2 locks the room shut. Randy sees an opportunity and mulls it over. Moments later he's at the room's window looking in. He tries sliding the window open and succeeds. He pulls himself into the room through the window, looks around, forgets to close the window, and walks over to the computer. He starts it up.] Randy: Uhuh... Finally! I'm online again! Yeeheeyes! [softly as he types] Japanese girls puking each other's mouths. [click. He finds a page right away. The girls are only heard, not shown] Girl 1: Haroo Kichi kawaii n desho? ["Hello Kitty is cute, isn't it?" puke] Girl 2: Un. Choukawaii yo ne! ["Yes. Super cute, right?!" puke] Randy: Oh niice... Whoa... [begins masturbating] Girl 1: Watashi wa... daisuki! ["I" puke "love it!"] Randy: [types away] Now let's see some bestiality. [click. The sound of a woman being rammed by an elephant is heard. Randy is hitting his stride, then heads towards climax] Aahahaha, yes! Ogh! [types away] Let's get some Brazilian fart p*rn in there! [click. The Brazilian fart p*rn fetish page loads.] Oh that's good eh! Oh! [a vewi from outside the shed] Ohhhhhhhhh! Hoh! Hohhh! [other refugees here this and walk out of their tents to see what's going on. Sharon and the kids are out too, but they don't say a thing.] Refugee Man 2: What is that? Refugee Man 4: Sounds like someone's bein' att*cked by a tiger. Randy: Ohhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhhhh! Volunteer 4: Get the keys! We gotta get in there. [volunteer 2 runs to the door and whips uot his keys. Three other volunteers, one of them a woman, follow him up. They get the door open and enter the shed] Randy: [voice descending] Ohhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh! [the oldest volunteer turns on the lights and they all gasp in shock. Randy is spent, his semen all over the room, the desk, the computer, and himself.] Volunteer 2: What the? [Sharon and the kids rush in] Stan: Dad? Sharon: Randy! Randy: [tryingn to explain it away] Oh. Uhh. There was a, there was a ghost! A-a-and-this, this ectoplasm! [volunteer 4 heads for the computer] Did you see the ghost? [the volunteer begins typing on the keyboard] It ran through here; it sli-it slimed me! Volunteer 2: You son of a bitch! Randy: Oh no it wasn't me, it was this spooky ghost! [volunteer 4 looks back at Randy, who looks back at him] [The underground cave] Field Reporter: This is our last chance. With nowhere else to turn, the government is going to allow one brave nine-year-old boy [Kyle is shown standing before the router] to attempt his method to get the Internet running again. [sh*ts of this breaking news airing all over the U.S.] It all comes down to this. Can the little Jewish boy reason with the Internet? Or will it be gone forever? Scientist 1: All clear for procedure. General: All right! Let's do it! [Kyle walks forward, then up the ramp. His parents fear for him. He walks up and to the right, sees the massive plug and walks to the socket. He just pulls the plug out, waits a few seconds, and plugs it back in. The router responds with a full green signal.] Scientist 2: Look! The flashing yellow light is green now! Scientist 1: He did it! Scientist 3: I've got Internet! Scientist 4: Me too! Scientist 5: Internet activity in all sectors, sir. [everyone cheers. Kyle looks around a little puzzled] [The refugee camp, moments later. The men from the camp the Marshes first visited are there] Transient Man 5: I've got Internet. Transient Man 6: Me too! Transient Man 3: It's back! [everyone begins to cheer there too] [Breaking News. The two anchors are waiting for any news.] Anchorman: It's back? It's back! [the two anchors dance a jig] [The refugee camp, moments later. Shelley hugs her laptop] Shelley: It's working! I can i-chat with my darling Amir now! [a boy in the background turns around and looks at Shelley] Amir: Shelley. Shelley Marsh? [both Shelley and Stan turn around to look at him] Shelley: What? Amir: It's me. Amir. Shelley: O... kay. Amir: Your family came here too, huh? Shelley: [bashful] Yeah. [the two of them look away from each other] Amir: So uhhh, I guess I'll e-mail you as soon as I get back home. Shelley: Yeah, okay. Sounds good. Amir: Okay, s-see ya. [turns around and walks away] Shelley: [turns around and skips away] We're back togehhhther! We're back togehhhther! [South Park City Hall, day. Randy is addressing the town. He's dressed in a Native American shirt over his regular clothes] Randy: And so what have we learned through this ordeal? The Internet went away. It came back. But for how long we do not know. We cannot take the Internet for granted any longer. We as a country must stop over-looning -on. We must use the Internet only when we need it. It's easy for us to think we can just use up all the Internet we want. But if we don't treat the Internet with the resPECT [pounds the podium hard with his right fist. A few people are startled by this] that it deserves, it cuold one day be gone forever. So let us learn to live with the Internet, not for it. No more browsing for no apparent reason, no more mindlessly surfing on our laptops while watching television. And finally, [the head of a bald eagle appears on the screen behind him.] We must learn to only use the Internet for p*rn twice a day. Max. [everyone applauds him, then gives him a standing ovation. He has his left arm up and fist pumped.] [End of Over Logging.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "12x06 - Overt Logging"}

foreverdreaming

[Entrance to Pioneer Village, day. The South Park Elementary school bus is parked. Mr. Garrison waits with a bearded employee as the class enters the attraction] Mr. Garrison: Kids, everyone together. Welcome to Pioneer Village. This is a recreation of early Colorado days. I want you all to meet Pioneer Paul. [the bearded employee steps forward, his hands gripping his suspenders] Pioneer Paul: Hi, kids, and welcome to my village. I settled here in 1864 with my mahr and pahr. Sure thing, I ain't never seen strange clothes like you all are wearin'. And what's that fancy yellow horse carriage you got out there? Stan: Ughh. Kyle: This is gonna suck. Pioneer Paul: When you all are ready just head up to the village. All the townfolk are there to answer yer questions. And welcome. [tips his hat a bit to the class] To 1864. Set 'em up! Mr. Garrison: Thank you, Pioneer Paul. [Pioneer Paul turns around and walks away.] All right, kids, this is a big place, so I want everyone to pick a partner to hold hands with. [the students look at each other and begin to pair off.] Cartman: Let's be partners, Kenny. Kenny: (No, I'm partners with Craig) [holds Craig's hand] Cartman: Okay. [turns and follows Stan] Stan, let's be partners, dude. [Stan approaches Wendy and holds out his hand. She takes it] Stan: Naw, I'm with Wendy. Cartman: Eh, you wanna hold hands with a girl? Gaywad! [Wendy flashes him an angry look as he turns and walks away. He looks around and sees most everyone is paired off. He approaches Kyle] All right, let's be partners, Kyle. Kyle: I hate you, remember? [turns away] You wanna be partners, Jimmy? Cartman: [miffed] Jesus, what have I ever done to you? Craig? Token? [Clyde and Token pair up] Who, who else needs a partner? [after the rest of the kids have paired up, only Butters is left. Cartman looks at him and he gets bashful all of a sudden, brushing his left foot back and forth on the ground] Uh who else needs a partner? Mr. Garrison: Eric, partner with Butters. Cartman: Goddamnit! Mr. Garrison: Hold Butters' hand, Eric! [Butters motions for Cartman to take his hand] Cartman: That isn't necessary! Mr. Garrison: Butters, you are not to let go of Eric's hand until you are both back on that bus! Do you understand?! Butters: I understand. [takes Cartman's hand as Garrison turns towards the village] Mr. Garrison: All right, let's head in. [leads the way] Cartman: You can let go now, Butters. Butters: [firmly] No. Cartman: Butters, come on! Butters: No! [the class is at the center of the village. Around it are a carriage house, the saloon, and the feed and tackle store] Mr. Garrison: All right kids, go ahead and visit the charming villagers and learn stuff. [the pairs disperse] Keep track of your partner! [The smithy's shop. The smithy is working on a horseshoe resting on an anvil. Stan, Wendy, Kyle, and Jimmy drop by] Smithy: Why howdy partners. [puts his tools down] I'm the town blacksmith. Are you folks settlers, or are you just trappers passin' through? Stan: Uhhh, look, can we just drop the whole roleplaying thing? I would play along, but my girlfriend's here and I don't wanna look like a total dork in front of her. Wendy: Thanks, Stan. Pioneer Paul: [dropping by] These folks sure are strange, Smithy. We ain't never seen them kind of fancy hats in our time, have we? Kyle: [points to the smithy] That guy is wearing a digital watch. Smithy: Oh jeez. [adjust the watch to hide it. Pioneer Paul gives him an angry look] Pioneer Paul: Damnit Chad! Smithy: [puts it in his pocket] S-sorry, I'm sorry. [Another smithy shop, this time for g*n. Cartman, Butters, Kenny, Craig, and two girls visit] g*n: Why howdy, partners, I'm the town g*n. You see, in our time it's pretty violent. See them holes in the walls? That's so we can put r*fles through to protect us from Injuns. Cartman: I wanna sh**t an Indian. g*n: Now some of you might wanna meet Abigail at the candle-makin' house. Or you can head over to the general store. [Kenny, Craig, and the two girls leave. Cartman and Butters head for the holes in the wall] Butters: Do you see any Indians? Cartman: Nah, it's just the city and e- Oh my Jesus Christ monkeyballs. [just over the greenery is Super Phun Thyme, a small attraction next door.] "Super... Phun Thyme." [turns to Butters and has him step forward] Dude, check it out! We're only two blocks from a Super Phun Thyme! They've got video games and rides and everything! Butters: Oh, that's cool. [steps back and turns around] Well come on, Eric, we need to catch up with everyone. Cartman: Dude, screw this place! We've gotta go to Super Phun Thyme! Butters: Oh no! I'm not sneakin' out! I'll get in trouble! Cartman: Fine, then let go of my hand! Butters: Teacher said I can't let go till we're back on the bus! Cartman: Well which is it gonna be, Butters?! Are you gonna ditch out with me or are you gonna disobey the teacher's stupid rule?! Butters: I'm not lettin' go! Cartman: Fine, then you're comin' with me! Butters: No, Eric! [trips and stands up. Cartman pulls him towards the village's entrance] Cartman: Butters, let go God-damnit! Butters: No! [trips and tries to stand up] T-Teacherrr! Teacherrr! [Pioneer Paul leads Stan, Wendy, Kyle, and Jimmy into the general store.] Pioneer Paul: This here is our general store. It's where I buy all my supplies an' sich. Clerk: Howdy partners. I own this hearrr general store. Wendy: Look, Stan, they had beef jerky back then. Clerk: What do you mean "back then"? Don't forget, it's 1864. Kyle: Right. Except for it really isn't. Pioneer Paul: Wuh, sure it is. Just look around ye. [they look around, but the modern suond of sirens reaches their ears] Kyle: What's that? Stan: Sounds like police sirens. Pioneer Paul: What's a si-rene? We ain't never heard of no sirene in 1864. [the sound of screeching tires is next, and everyone heads to the windows to find out. A big SUV pulls into the village and seven people pour out of it. Onen of them is injured] Leader: We lost them, we lost them! Injured Man: Damn pig cops! Leader: Close that gate! [two of his henchmen close the gate] Wendy: What's going on? Stan: I don't know. [the g*n gather up the students and adults] Leader: Everyone down on the ground NOW! Sheriff: Wuh-whoa now, I'm Sheriff McLawdog. I settled here back in eighteen fif- [the leader sh**t him in the forehead with a silenced g*n] Stan: Jesus Christ! [the six of them move away from the window and drop to their knees] We've gotta call the police. Where's your phone? Pioneer Paul: A phone? Why, what's a phone? We ain't never hearda sich a thing. Stan: What?? Kyle: Come on, this is serious! Pioneer Paul: Eh storehand, you ever heard of this fancy shmancy phone? Clerk: Uhhh, nooo. W-we ain't got a phone in our time. Stan: Dude, they just sh*t a guy in the face! We've gotta call the cops! Pioneer Paul: If you mean the law, only law around here is town sheriff McLawdog. You see, 1864 is a time of growth and development in the Old West. Stan: [in no mood to hear about it] This is not the time for that! [Super Phun Thyme. Cartman pulls Butters towards it.] Cartman: Aw man, this is gonna be awesome! [the go through the double doors] Butters, if you don't let go of my hand, everyone here is gonna think we're gay! Butters: Well, that's your problem! Cartman: All right Butters, I've seriously had enough! [tries to rip his hand out of Butters' grip, but only succeeds in pulling Butters around. He tries again, but Butters isn't letting go. He tries a third time, all the way around, and Butters' hand is clamped on tight.] Jesus Christ! [drops the matter and goes to a counter with Butters] One please. Butters: Make that two! [they each give $6.] Cashier: Aww, aren't you two cute holdin' hands. Are you special little buddies? Butters, Cartman: NO! [she gives them their tickets and they go into the attraction] [Super Phun Thyme, interior. Cartman and Butters go into an indoor amusement park. A bounce house is off to the right and miniature golf to the left. Bumper carz and laser tagg are on either side of the bowling lanes. The arcade is on the second floor.] Cartman: Dude, this place shreds! What should we do first?? Butters: We should get back to Pioneer Village, that's what we should do! Cartman: Butters, we're going to get back before anybody even notices we're gone. Let's go h*t the bumper cars! [yanks Butters along.] [Pioneer Village Administration. The façade is 1860s, the building itself current. Wendy reaches the entrance first.] Wendy: Over here. This looks like an office. Kyle: [opens the door and leads the others in, then spots the phone] Here! Here's the phone! [Wendy gets on the stool and tries to dial out] Pioneer Paul: Well, what a straaange contraption. Wendy: I can't get a dial tone. [Kyle listens, then lowers the receiver] Kyle: What's the number to dial out? Pioneer Paul: Dial out? Partner, them are some funny words you're usin'. Stan: Dude, do you understand what's going on here?! [Kyle and Wendy trade places] Clerk: Maybe they're right, Brian. I mean, this is a special circumstance that- Pioneer Paul: [grabs him by the collar and shoves him against the door] Brresh! [points something out to him. It's a sign over the door: "Remember: Never Break Character!"] Clerk: Ogh, I mean, this here room is, it sure is strange. We have nothin' like these fancy devices in our time. Pioneer Paul: I'll say. Kyle: I got through. Hello, police? Operator: Nine one one, what's your emergency? Kyle: There's some t*rrorists or bankrobbers or something that have taken our class hostage! Operator: Taken hostage where? Kyle: The old Pioneer Village off of Kipling. Operator: You mean that annoying place where employees won't break character? Kyle: [glances back at the two men] Sister, you don't know the half of it. [Super Phun Thyme. Cartman rides a Space Pilot rocket] Cartman: Check it out, dude, I'm a space man! Space man, yehesss! Cartman: I'm having a super fun time playin' [Cartman and Butters are at a Thirst For Blood video game. Cartman navigates, Butters fires away half-heartedly] Cartman: Get... get that guy! sh**t that guy! Yeah, and then over here! [next they're playing air hockey. They take turns, but still have to run together in switching sides. They run to Butters' side and Butters hits the puck] Oh, you got it. Nice. [they run to Cartman's side, and Cartman hits the puck. They run back to Butters' side...] Cartman: Super fun time, please don't go awahay. [Cartman and Butters skate as a pair on roller skates, then they share an ice cream sundae. A couple walks by and looks at them funny.] Butters: What are you whoofelin' at? [the couple hurries away] Cartman: No more worries or cares, super fun time. Cartman: [on a Road Hogg motorcycle ride as Butters gets on] Waiwait, keep- you're fine. [starts the ride. The motorcycle rocks back and forth quickly] Oh man, whoa! Butters: Whoa! [gets tossed into the air, but doesn't let go of Cartman's hand. He ends up on Cartman's lap before the ride ends] Cartman: The answer to my prayers, super fun time. Super fun time, you're all I need. [Cartman and Butters are playing Laser Tagg, except that Cartman is sh**ting at Butters gleefully. Next, they finally h*t the bumper cars. Once everyone is in, the power is turned on. Butters is stuck outside the car, as there's no room for him, so he gets some injuries.] Cartman: Yeheah, we're wired up! Cartman: I'll have a super fun time till I freakin; bleed. I love you mornin' noon and night, super fun time Cartman: [two cars bump into him] Yeah, bumper cars, sweeet! [Butters is battered] Cartman: You make my life so right, super fun time. [Near the entrance, still inside] Butters: Th-that's it, Eric. We have to be gettin' back! Cartman: Aw, just a few more things. Butters: No! If we don't leave right now, we're gonna miss the bus, and then they'll know we left! Cartman: Huh, I guess you're right, Butters. All right, come on. [they leave Super Phun Thyme] [Pioneer Village, later. The leader of the g*n barks orders into a walkie talkie and paces back and forth.] Leader: Set up the satellite relay, check for alternate routes out of the area. [turns to the hostage group] Unfortunately, your police department got wind of our robbery and chased after us. That is unfortunate for you, because when I think it is clear to leave we will now need to take hostages with us to ensure our goods get to their final destination. Mr. Garrison: Please, if you must take anyone, don't take me. These kids are worth more to you. [the kids are shocked at him. The sirens are heard again] Blond: How did they find us?! Leader: Get the loot out of the car and stash it in that building. [a bunch of police cars show up at the parking lot and their officers quickly get out and get into position] Police Chief: All right, men, listen up! Looks like our thieves are trying to hide out here. They've got the employees and some schoo kids held hostage. Lieutenant: Tucker, Dylan, set up a perimeter! Police Chief: Everyone stay on your toes! These are professionals we're dealing with here! Officer: What did they rob, sir? Police Chief: A Burger King [A table in the building the leader was referring to. The leader is there with the injured man and a woman. They pool their money onto the table] Leader: All right, good. Is that all of it? [a big balding man comes in with several Burger King meals in bags] Balding Man: No. Don't forget we've got these too. Leader: Excellent. Now listen, everyone, we're going to be all right. This is only a small hitch in our plan. [pulls out a cell phone and dials some numbers.] I'd like to speak with the chief of police! [listens] Who is this? This is the man who Is going to k*ll an entire class of fourth graders if he doesn't get exactly what he wants! [Outdoors in Pioneer Village. The group that was in the administration building now arrives in the center of the village and ducks down behind a trough] Kyle: Why aren't the cops coming in? Wendy: They must be negotiating. Pioneer Paul: Them there bandits sure look mighty strange. And them p*stol is bigger than whats we's gots. Kyle: [annoyed] Will you shut up! Stan: Wait, you have g*n here? Pioneer Paul: Sure. Sheriff got lots of r*fles in his office. Stan: Well why don't you go get them and bring them back here?! Pioneer Paul: Allrighty. Come on, storehand. Clerk: Yeppir! [they leave] [Kipling, near Pioneer Village. Cartman and Butters head back to the village after a few hours at Super Phun Thyme.] Cartman: Uhaw man, I can't wait to see the look on Kyle's face when we tell him we had super fun time, while he was at the dumb Pioneer Village. Butters: We're not telling anybody! I don't wanna get in trouble! And I didn't have a super fun time anyways. Cartman: Butters, you've gotta learn to chill. Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, and do whatever you want all the time, you could miss it. Butters: Yeah, well, I guess that's kinda true. Cartman: [stops in his tracks] Uh oh. [sees the police at the Pioneer Village entrance.] Crap, they called the cops on us. Butters: What?! They called the cops?! Cartman: They must have realized we left. Damn. Butters: Oh my God, the police are looking for us! Cartman: [covers Cartman's mouth and takes him behind a mail box] Shhh! Butters! Butters: [quickly upset] We're gonna get it now! Cartman: Butters Butters, calm down! I know a way out of this! Butters: You just got me busted forever! Cartman: Butters, l-listen to me, listen. Butters: No! [turns away] Cartman: All we have to do is sneak back inside without the cops seeing us. Then we can say we were inside all along. Butters: You said they wouldn't notice we were gone. You promised. [punches him softly on the chest with his free hand] Cartman: If we sneak back inside, we can say we never left, all right? [Butters calms down and stops sobbing] All right, now let go of my hand. Butters: No. Cartman: Butters? Butters: Huh you made me break one rule, I'm not breaking the other! It's all I have now. Cartman: All right, come on! [they head back towards Super Phun Thyme] [Inside Pioneer Village, day. The leader gives more commands as he walks along. He reaches one of his henchman, who's got monitoring equipment laid out and operational] Leader: Keep the hostages from talking and search for holdouts. Everyone check in at two-minute intervals. I hope you have good news, Ohrlich. Ohrlich: The police have us completely surrounded on all sides. There's no way we're gettin' out above ground without being spotted. Leader: Above ground? Ohrlich: Look, I found this at the rear of the park. It's an old mine shaft, [a picture of an abandoned gold mine appears] but Pioneer Village was sued when a kid died in it, so they closed it down and protected it with a huge me'al door with a coded lock. Leader: So if we can get into the shaft we can tunnel our way around the police. Excellent. Ohrlich: One more thing, Frans: I want my share of the take now. Frans: [finally, a name for the leader] What's the matter, Ohrlich? Lose your sense of trust? Ohrlich: I was just thinking maybe we get through that tunnel. Then you take the loot to Berlin and I never see you again. I want my cut. Frans: Very well. [hands him a wad of bills and a Burger King lunch bag. Ohrlich opens the bag, takes out his burger, and leafs through its contents like a deck of playing cards to make sure nothing is missing] [The village square, moments later. The blacksmith is tied up and sitting on a wooden chair. The woman hits the blacksmith's right eye with the butt of her g*n] Frans: I'm going to ask you again, what is the door code to the tunnel?! Smithy: I told you, mister, what would I know about a door code? I'm just a simple blacksmith. With my trusty forge I makes all the metalworks for the village. [the woman strikes his face again with her r*fle] OW. Frans: [holds up the smithy's employee profile] You are an employee here, that means you are required to know the door code for f*re code reasons, [reads from the profile] Mister David Palmer of Colorado Springs! Smithy: Huh my name ain't Palmer, it's... Old Smithy. Hand we ain't never heard of no f*re code, why, we gots to put fires out ourselves when the- [the woman strikes his face again with her r*fle] OW. Frans: That's it! [aims his g*n at Smithy's left temple. The woman backs away] Tell me the code or you die! [the smithy sobs] One... two... Smithy: I Frans: Yes? Smithy: I don't know nothin' about no fancy door code. I'm just a simple blacksmith. [Frans kills him and his body drops off the chair. The class is stunned] Craig: [observes] These Pioneer Village workers are really committed to their jobs. [another worker is tied up and put on the chair as the smithy's body is dragged away] Worker: No. Please. Don't hurt me. Frans: Give us the code to that door and we can leave! Worker: [shuts his eyes hard] I've never heard of sss-something called a door code. [leans over and whispers] Please, can't you ask some other way? Frans: I don't have time for your stupid game! Tell me, or you die right now! [gets his g*n ready] Worker: All right, all right! Look, it's just, it's just one of those... Jenkins home security locks. You press the top button and then, and then enter 5-2 [he's k*lled, but by someone else. The class gasps when it sees whom the k*ller is. Pioneer Paul is shown with a r*fle in his hand, and the general store clerk is next to him] Pioneer Paul: [tosses his r*fle away and walks to the class] What he meant to say, kids, is that we ain't never heard o'no fancy door code 'cause in our time, we gots to rely on wood locks and sich. Frans: Goddamnit you people are f*cking insane! [Kyle, Wendy, Stan, and Jimmy have seen this all from behind the trough] Kyle: I don't believe it. Frans: Domino, [looks at the balding man, then at another henchman] Walsky! Find out if there are any employees or students wandering about! Bring them here or sh**t them! [the two henchmen move out] Wendy: Oh crap, we've gotta hide. Come on! [they start to move.] Jimmy: Yeah. [all stop] We've gotta geh- ...geh... get the hell ...outta here f- f-hast fast. [they finally leave] [Outside Pioneer Village. The police are scouring the surroundings. One of them answers a call] Officer: Sector Bravo, no activity. Butters: Jeez, uh cops are looking for us everywhere. Cartman: Don't worry, they're not gonna find us 'til we're safely back inside. [turns left and points] Look, see that traffic signal down there? [the intersection is shown] If we can climb across that, we can jump to the tree branch, and then we're home free. Butters: That looks dangerous. Cartman: Not getting busted always is, Butters. Come on. [they head to the signal. Butters is lighter, so he goes up first. He pulls Cartman along up the traffic signal, then stands on the arm] Good, that's good. [Cartman stands up too] That's good, Good, all right then. Let's head across. [they begin to tip-toe along the traffic signal's arm.] Go easy. Good. Butters: Oh gosh in heaven. Cartman: It's all right. You've got it, no problem- [his left foot slips, causing them both to lose their balance] OP. Butters: Whoa! Cartman: Save me! Butters: I'm gonna fall! [they both scream as they struggle to stay on the arm, but they both fall off... and end up hanging from the arm like a pair of tennis shoes tied together] Cartman: ... Oh dude, laaame. [The village square. Frans is still on top of things.] Frans: Frohlich, check in. Have you found any other employees? Domino: We found somebody. [the two henchmen he sent off earlier return] Walsky: We found this guy in the jail of the sheriff's office. Pioneer Paul: [gasps] You let out m*rder' Murphy?? m*rder' Murphy: Y'are all gettin' it for puttin' me in that thar jail! Frans: [frustrated and pissed off] Stop it! Stop your bad historical acting right now! Woman: Tarnation. Why'd you let m*rder' Murphy go? He's a bad man. Frans: [approaching the employees] I am the f*cking bad man! Do you get that?! Knock it off and give me the mine shaft access code! Pioneer Paul: You're just gonna have to k*ll us, mister, 'cause you ain't makin' no sense at all. Frans: I won't k*ll you if you don't tell me. I'll k*ll one of THEM! [walks over to the students...] Mr. Garrison: Not me! Not me not me not me not me! [...and grabs Kenny] Kenny: (What? Hey, let go.) Frans: [drags Kenny to the employees] Do you want to see a child die?! Kenny: (NO they don't wanna see a child die! You guys! Uf.) [The traffic signal, later.] Butters: I am so disappointed in myself. Teacher gave me a res-responsibility, and I was just supposed to look after my partner, and I blew it! Cartman: Don't be too hard on yourself, Butters. You can't help being a douchebag. Wait, Butters, look! [a big truck is headed their way] This is it! This is our chance! Swing over, Butters! Go! Butters: Huh... [swings over, and they both land on the truck. They then move about looking for a good position to jump from] Cartman: Quick! Are you ready?! We gotta jump! Butters: Let's do it! Cartman: Ready? Go! [they leap off the truck and over the wooden wall. The police are not aware of this. They land on a roof and roll of it into a wooden wheelbarrow, which tips over and dumps them onto the ground.] [Inside Pioneer Village. at the village square.] Frans: [Domino and Walsky bring the female employee over to Kenny, who is tied up on the chair] What about you? Will you tell us the access code or do you want to see this kid die?! Woman: I'm sorry, I'm a woman and women in our time ain't allowed to know the carryin's on of the town proper. Frans: God-damnit! [In a nearby building, Stan, Wendy and Jimmy hide under a table. Kyle peeks out a hole in the boarded-up windows behind the table] Kyle: Dude, they're gonna k*ll Kenny! Stan: I can't let them do it. [comes out from under the table] I''ve got to make the ultimate sacrifice. [turns and heads for the door, then exits the building] Kyle: Stan? Wendy: [leans out] Where are you going, Stan? Stan: Wendy, I have to do something. Please look away. [turns around, grabs some dirt, rubs it on his face, and walks to the hostage area] Frans: All right, that does it! [jabs the tip of the g*n up against Kenny's hood. Kenny just looks at him] On the count of three this child dies! One! Two! Kenny: (Goddamnit, someone help me!) Stan: [walks up] Well howdy there, strangers. [everyone looks at him as he approaches] Sorry to interrupt ye, but I done come from Pegosa Springs to buy me some wares an' sich.. Pioneer Paul: Ohhh, welcome, partner. [the other employees welcome him as well.] Frans: Wha-what are you doing? Stan: I heard you all had some difficulty with a criminal getsin' out of your jail. Pioneer Paul: That's right, m*rder' Murphy. He's crazy 'cause someone k*lled his pa. m*rder' Murphy: They k*lled my pahr! Stan: I reckon that maybe you could make a jail door that opened with numbers instead of keys. You know, like a biiiiig safe. Pioneer Paul: Y-y-yeah, I understand that. Clerk: Finally, a fella that talks some sense. Stan: If'n you all was to have such a giant safe, what would you villagers want the number to be to unlock that thar jail door shuckamuck? Pioneer Paul: Oh, well uh, I reckon the easiest number to remember for any big safe door lock would be... 1864. Clerk: Yup, 1864, 'cause that's the year it is. Frans: Eighteen sixty four. Ohrlich, we have the door code! Start packing up! We'll take the hostages with us! [smiles] Mr. Garrison: No, you got your door code, let us go! Walsky: Copy that. What's the code, over. [Butters and Cartman step out from behind a building, then quickly step back behind it before they can be seen] Cartman: Sweet, there's still cops looking for us in here. All right, follow my lead, Butters. [they step out again and walk towards Walsky, who gets ready to sh**t] Hohoo man, hasn't this place been fascinating, Butters? Butters: Yeah, it sure has. Cartman: Oh, I just don't know what I liked better: the historical buildings and archifacts or the, or the uhhhm. Butters: Or the witty anecdotes of the townspeople, uh... Cartman: Witty anecdotes, yes, that's been ab- that's been awesome. Butters: Been a hoot all right! Walsky: Get your hands behind your head! Cartman: What'd we do? We've been here the whole time. Walsky: Shut up! Put your hands behind yoru head! Do it now! [they put their free hands behind their heads, which surprises him] Let go of each other! Butters: Huh uh. Walsky: Do what I tell you! Butters: Our teacher said we have to hold hands the whole time we're here! Walsky: Let go or else I'll put a b*llet through your hands and MAKE you let go! Cartman: Butters. Walsky: NOW! Butters: NO! [remembering how Cartman swing him around at Super Phun Thyme, he swings Cartman around and knocks Walsky down. He and Cartman sprint across the field and manage to avoid the barrage of b*ll*ts Wilskey sends their way] Cartman: Jesus Christ! [Walsky fires off a grenade, which hits a house just as Cartman and Butters run past it. The blast blows them off their feet] Butters: AAAAH! Cartman: AAAAH! [this and the g*n alert the other robbers] Frans: Go! Go take care of it! I'll stay with the hostages! [the g*n and Ohrlich leave] Stan: Hey, m-m*rder' Murphy, you see that there feller? m*rder' Murphy: Yeah. Stan: He done k*lled yer pahr. m*rder' Murphy: [stands up enraged] What?! Well I'll rip his head off! [runs towards Frans and tackles him] Officer 2: We've got a chance. Hostages are clear! [officers climb over the wooden wall and pour into the village.] Frans: They are coming in! [the sh**t between cops and robbers begins. Ohrlich is sh*t d*ad and his burger drops to the floor next to him. The g*n fires, and the cops f*re back. She is sh*t through a window and dies.] Mr. Garrison: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Officer 3: Whoa, no, no! Officer 2: Hostages are secure at the park entrance! m*rder' Murphy: I got you now, Pioneer Paul! Pioneer Paul: They shoulda never let you out of jail, m*rder' Murphy! [they get into a fistfight. Domino sh**t at the cops from the second floor of the saloon. The cops f*re back and Domino keels over, d*ad. Frans walks over to Ohrlich's body and takes back his cut] Police Chief: [arrives and aims his g*n] Freeze, scumbag! It's all over! [Other officers gather and aim their w*apon. Frans drops his satchel and puts his hands behind his head.] Woman: m*rder' Murphy's gonna k*ll Pioneer Paul! Officer 2: [aims his g*n at the men] Stop right now! It's over! [a bell rings out three tones and the fistfight ends] PA System: Howdy, partners. It's five o'clock. Pioneer Village is now closed for the day. [Murphy and Paul let go of each other and stand up smiling] Head back to your wagons and have a safe trip home. Pioneer Paul: We made it! m*rder' Murphy: We made it! [the employees hug each other and begin to disperse] Woman 2: Oh God, I can't wait to get out of this dress. m*rder' Murphy: Whoa, that was great! [the employees begin to drop their makeup and other bits of costume] Pioneer Paul: Uh, listen, if anyone still wants to know, the phone is in the administration building, you dial 9 to get out, and there's actually a back exit behind the horse troughs. Good night everybody, thanks for coming. We did it, guys! g*n: Let's go to TGI Fridays and get some jalapeño poppers! m*rder' Murphy: Yeah, that'd be great! Man 1: All right! Man 2: Oh yeah, huh. Jalapeño poppers. Man 3: Let's go, huh. [Outside Pioneer Village, evening. The cops finish up their investigations. Mr. Garrison talks to them with his class around him.] Wendy: Stan, you were really brave in there, but you did kind of sound like a big dork. Stan: I know. Police Chief: Come on you! Frans: You're hurting my arm! Police Chief: Too bad! You'll be going away for a long time. Was it worth it? Frans: In a way, it was. I might not have gotten away, but... at least I learned a lot about Pioneer life in the Old West. Those early settlers didn't have the modern conveniences we all take for granted today. To think how difficult it was back in those times to do somethin' as simple as washing your clothes. Pioneer Village has a lot to teach us all. Police Chief: That's true. [Frans is put in a squad car and the cops continue with their work] Wendy: [looks at Pioneer Village] Hey look. [Butters walks towards the entrance dragging Cartman behind him. Cartman is passed out. Butters drags him over the sidewalk, across the parking lot, and on to the bus. Only then does he let go] Butters: Teacher, my partner is back on the bus! [all energy leaves him and he passes out too] [End of Super Fun Time.]

{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "12x07 - Super Fun Time"}

foreverdreaming

Diplomat: How much longer to the embassy? Driver: I believe it'll be around minutes, sir. Driver: Huh? Driver: The brake's not working. Diplomat: Hey, you! Up front! Look up front! Member A: One of our diplomats perished in a car accident in Ostania. Member A: But we believe it to be an assassination by the East's far-right political party. Member A: They are plotting a w*r against our nation of Westalis. Member A: We must do everything we can to figure out their plan. Member B: Let's let him take care of it. The best agent we have. "Twilight." Here's the goods I promised. Proof that the foreign minister wears a toupee. I even have the negatives. Fake Edgar: Well done. Fake Edgar: Now we can force him to resign. Fake Edgar: I look forward to doing business with you again. Edgar: Hey. Edgar: How about you hand over the goods now? Huh? Wha—But you just— He got me! Narrator: Code name: Twilight. Narrator: A spy. Narrator: In an era in which the nations of the world were waging a fierce w*r Narrator: of information just out of sight, Narrator: this man survived that b*ttlefield by being Narrator: a master of disguise, a man with a hundred faces. Karen: So Daddy's been in such a bad mood lately because someone Karen: stole his toupee pictures, or something. Karen: What even? Ugh, I'm so mad. Karen: Hello? Are you even listening, Robert? Twilight: Hm? Yes, that's rather unfortunate. Karen: So, Robert... Do you think one day we'll also— Twilight: Karen, let's break up. Karen: What?! Twilight: I'm afraid I can't sense any intelligence in your conversations. Twilight: Farewell. May you find happiness. Karen: Hey, Robert! Wait! You can't just do that to me! Karen: Robert! Twilight: Sorry, Karen, but I have no further use for your family. Twilight: As of tonight, I'm also done withthe mask known as Robert. Twilight: Marriage? Conventional happiness? Twilight: I got rid of those aspirations, as well as my identity, the day I became a spy. Contact: Meow. Twilight: Must be Cipher C. Train Announcer: The train bound for Berlint is now departing from track . Chief: Good day, or perhaps, good evening, Twilight. Chief: Well done on your last mission. Chief: Thanks to you, the minister lived another day, to the great benefit of our country. Chief: Now, then, I have your next mission. Chief: Your target is the leader of the National Unity Party, Donovan Desmond. Chief: He is a great thr*at to the truce between the East and the West. Chief: Your mission is to get close to him and probe any seditious activities. Chief: In order to achieve this, Chief: you will get married and have a child. Twilight: Sorry, what?! Chief: Desmond is an extremely cautious man who rarely appears in public. Chief: He only appears at social gatherings held at the elite private school his son attends. Chief: These events are informal get-togethers for the upper echelon of industrial and political leaders. Chief: You will have your child enroll in this school Chief: and infiltrate one of the social gatherings. Chief: The enrollment deadline is drawing near, meaning you have one week to pull this off. Twilight: You expect me to produce a child within seven days?! Twilight: Please excuse me. Chief: Operation Strix. Chief: This operation is the key to maintaining peace between East and West... Chief: and perhaps, the world. Chief: Hero who casts no shadow, Chief: the great deeds you and your fellow agents do shall never see the light of day. Chief: You will never earn any medals nor make it into the papers. Chief: Even so... Chief: Never forget that everyone else's day-to-day lives are possible Chief: because of your blood, sweat, and tears. Twilight: Very well. Twilight: I abandoned my identity when I became Twilight. Twilight: I will play the part of a father with a child if I must, Twilight: for the sake of a better world. sign___OPERATION_STRIX,Sign: {\pos(,)\fad(,)}OPERATION {\fs}STRIX Real estate agent: This is one of our single-family apartments. Real estate agent: The unit comes furnished, includes central air conditioning and heating, and... Real estate agent: Um... Sir? Loid: No wiretaps detected, and there are securable escape routes. Loid: I'll take it. Real estate agent: Excellent, Mr. Forger. Now, if you'd sign these documents... Loid: Loid Forger. Occupation: psychiatrist. Loid: That's my new life. Loid: With a family I love and a happy home life... Real estate agent: How nice that you and your family are moving into a new home. Real estate agent: Do you have a boy or a girl? Loid: Ah, well... Loid: I'll be deciding on that soon. Real estate agent: Huh? Loid: What an absolute burden for a spy. Orphanage Director: Huh? You wanna adopt? Loid: Indeed. I heard that your orphanage was looking for candidates. Loid: You see, my wife and I— Orphanage Director: Yeah, sure. Take whichever one you want. Orphanage Director: Come on in. Loid: What a terrible environment. Loid: But the shadier the establishment, Loid: the more likely these children have complicated pasts, Loid: so it'll be easier to alter their stories. Loid: I can make this mission work if I have a child. Loid: I would've preferred to handle it all on my own, Loid: but I can't exactly disguise myself as a child, Loid: no matter how skilled a spy I am. Loid: Pardon me. If possible, I'd like a child who can read and write. Orphanage Director: Well, in that case... Orphanage director: Hey, Anya. Orphanage Director: She's the smartest one we've got. Orphanage Director: She don't talk much, but she's a good kid. Orphanage Director: She's a creepy, disgusting little brat. Orphanage Director: I'd be thrilled to get her outta my hair. Orphanage Director: Go on. Say hello. Loid: Er... Pardon me. Loid: If I recall, the earliest age students can enter Eden College is six. Loid: She definitely looks no older than four or five. Anya: Six. Anya: I'm six! Orphanage Director: You're six years old? Loid: But she's so small... Loid: Hm? The paper? Loid: A crossword puzzle? Loid: That's probably too difficult for a child. Loid: Of course, for myself, it's mere child's play. Loid: One down is "homeostasis." Loid: One across is "causal closure." Loid: The one below that is "symplectomorphism." Loid: She completed it? Seriously? Loid: Such unbelievable intellect. Loid: She should have no problem passing the entrance exam. Loid: I'll take her. Loid: As for the paperwork... Orphanage Director: Don't worry about that. Just take her already. Loid: My mission to end up with a child is a success. Loid: Everything's going so well that it's making me nervous. Loid: Are you okay with this? Anya: A spy... mission... Anya: So exciting! Narrator: This little girl happened to be a telepath. Narrator: Test Subject . Narrator: She possessed the ability to read people's minds. Narrator: She was unintentionally created in an experiment by a certain organization, Narrator: and she later fled their facility. Narrator: She has been wandering around looking for someone to take care of her. Loid: Now, listen, little girl. Anya: Anya. Loid: Now, listen, Anya. Loid: Starting today, you will be my daughter, Loid: but if anyone asks, you've always been my daughter. Loid: Got it? Anya: Yep. Loid: Make sure you address me as "Father." Anya: Papa! Loid: Very well. Neighbor: Well, aren't you a cute little girl? Hello there. Loid: We're the Forgers. We just moved in today. Anya: I am Anya. I have been Papa's child for a very long time. Loid: That wasn't necessary. Loid: Come on, let's go inside. Anya: This is Anya's house? Loid: Yes. Anya: A TV! Loid: Go ahead and turn it on. TV Announcer: Spy Wars, an adventure cartoon! Anya: I like this show. Loid: Of all things... Bondman: A g*n with a sil*ncer? Anya: So exciting. Bondman: You're a professional! Loid: First, I'll have to gather everything we'll need. Bondman: I will be taking back that b*mb. Loid: And I'll have to forge an ID for her. Bondman: Anyone who gets in my way will regret it. Loid: I'm going out for a bit. Loid: Just sit there and watch your show. Bondman: Out of my way! Anya: An adventure! Loid: I'm not going on an adventure. I'm just going shopping. Anya: I want a p*stol with a sil*ncer! Loid: Sure. Maybe if we can find one on sale. Loid: To be a master spy, Loid: one must act normal and never draw attention to themselves. Loid: We must do everything we can to look like an ordinary family. Anya: Papa! Save me! Loid: Must you draw attention to yourself? Old Lady: Now, now. You need to make sure you hold the little one's hand. Old Lady: Here. Loid: Having one hand tied up will make it difficult to prepare for an enemy ambush, Loid: but no matter. Anya: An enemy?! Loid: What are you doing? Anya: Hiding! Loid: Did I do anything to make her want to hide from me? Loid: Perhaps I held her hand too early. Does she hate me? Loid: This isn't good. Loid: I need to maintain a good relationship with her until the end of this mission. Loid: I must know more about this creature. Loid: It's basic diplomacy. Understanding the other party is the first step toward peace. Anya: Understanding me will lead to world peace?! Anya: I like peanuts. Anya: And I don't like carrots. Loid: Uh-huh... Anya: But I really like crispy bacon from bakenries! Loid: That's a "bakery." They do not sell bacon. Anya: I'd like this, please. Loid: That costs one dalc. You can't buy it with a ten-pent coin. Loid: Is this girl actually stupid? Loid: Was the crossword puzzle a fluke? Loid: Maybe I can still go back and get another child— Anya: Pwease don't get rid of me! Loid: What's gotten into you?! Passerby: What a terrible parent. Anya: Pwease! I'm a good bargain! Loid: What do I do? Loid: I'll buy you some peanuts! Just stop crying! Anya: Peanuts! Anya: Papa, I'm tired. Anya: Can't walk anymore... Loid: What? Loid: This isn't working... I just don't understand Loid: this irrational behavior. Loid: I need some manuals to help me understand it. Loid: "The key to raising a child is trust." Loid: "Rather than scolding them, try tounderstand things from their perspective." Loid: "Children are not very good at putting how they're feeling into words, sign___CHILDREARING,Sign: {\pos(,)}CHILDREARING Loid: so try to understand them more."So no interrogating them, then? sign___CHILDREARING,Sign: {\c&Hf&\fs\c&HA&\an}CHILDCARE sign___CHILDREARING,Sign: {\an\bord}CHILDREARING Loid: Do the parents of the world Loid: normally carry out such difficult missions all the time? Loid: "Nurture their self-esteem to give them a better future." Loid: "By giving them the ability to think for themselves, their future..." Loid: As soon as I'm done with this mission, I'm sending her back to the orphanage. Loid: That's the extent of our relationship. Anya: Don't wanna! Anya: I don't wanna study! Loid: I need to know how smart you are for this exam. Anya: I don't need to study to do any tests. Anya: If I just read other people's... Anya: ...people's minds... Loid: Are you planning on cheating? Listen. Loid: If you don't get into this school... Loid: ...my mission fails. Loid: Fine, then. Loid: I'm heading out. Loid: You're not coming with me today. Loid: No matter what. Loid: You're staying home. Loid: Hey! Loid: I told you, you're not coming! Loid: You there! Do you really think I don't see you? Loid: There! Loid: There! Anya: Papa is so good at finding me. Anya: It's so much fun! Loid: Try and get out of that! Franky: So that's why you're late? Loid: In the end, I put up a barricade in front of the door and trapped her inside. Franky: I'm praying that you don't get reported for child abuse. Loid: Who knows what children are thinking? Loid: Their method of always crying to get their way is truly annoying. Franky: Hate to tell you this, Twilight, but crying is their job. Franky: More importantly, here's what you asked for. Franky: An application, ticket for the exam, and exam questions. Franky: I went through hell getting these for you. Loid: Thanks, Franky. Loid: I think we can make things work if we have her memorize everything. Franky: Oh, yeah. About your daughter... Franky: I dug up some records on her past that the orphanage didn't have. Franky: I couldn't find anything about her birth. Franky: No info on her age or parents, either. Franky: I could only find information from the last year, Franky: but she's been adopted four times and returned each time. Franky: She's also been to two other orphanages. Loid: "Anya Williams, Anya Levski, Anya Roche"... Franky: She changes names as much as you do. Franky: You guys are perfect for each other. Franky: Hey, I'm kidding. This is for your mission, right? Franky: She may be a kid, but no good's gonna come out of getting too attached. Loid: Thanks for the concern. Franky: Hello? Where's my money?! Franky: Damn it... Who knows what spies are thinking, either? Anya: I'm so bored. Spies aren't like what I thought. Anya: I just want to get the b*mb back. Loid: I can't have her messing with my spy equipment, so I'll lock it up. Loid: The code is , ... Anya: ..., . Anya: b*mb-b*mb! b*mb-b*mb! Anya: b*mb-b*mb! b*mb-b*mb! Anya: Ooh! Anya: Secret messages! Anya: Secrets, secrets... Henchman A: Boss! We've intercepted a new message. Edgar: Is it using the West's cipher? Henchman A: No, it's just plain text. Henchman A: It says... "Twilight here"... Henchman A: Twilight here! Henchman A: This is the frequency used by Western intelligence. Henchman A: Oh, there's more. "Catch me if you can"... Edgar: Hurry up and pinpoint where it's coming from! Anya: Whew... Loid: Now that you've found out I'm a spy, you'll have to disappear. Anya: If he finds out I'm a telepath... Anya: I'll have to leave. flashback Researcher A: Anya, you mustn't tell anyone about your power. Researcher B: It's time to study now, Anya. Anya: But I wanna draw... Researcher A: Don't bother with childish games. Researcher A: We must use your power for the sake of world peace. Researcher A: There's no time for tears, either. Researcher A: Now, enough playing. Back to studying. Loid: She'd better not have messed up the apartment. Loid: Oh, right. I need to move this. Loid: Who the hell are these guys?! Loid: Anya! Loid: Anya! Loid: She's been kidnapped? Loid: By whoever sent these thugs? But why? Loid: I need to find her immediately. Calm down. Loid: From the looks of it, I've been compromised. Loid: I need to get to safety immediately. Loid: As for Anya... Loid: There are plenty of other children out there. Loid: I'll start things over from square one and— Edgar: So who the hell is this kid? Edgar: Could she be Twilight's? Henchman B: No idea. She was in the room where the message came from, Henchman B: so we snatched her just in case. Anya: Because of the transmission? Henchman B: She was holed up inside the apartment with a barricade out front. Edgar: Why out front? Henchman B: Beats me. Edgar: Well, no matter. We might be able to use her as a hostage Edgar: in order to force Twilight to steal the toupee Edgar: off of the foreign minister's head personally. Henchman D: Boss, I think we should just give up on the toupee. Edgar: Transparency is essential in government. Edgar: Toupees are a no-go. Anya: A p*stol with a sil*ncer... Edgar: Also, the minister's a traitor who's been secretly backing the West. Edgar: Anyone who advocates for a traitor is also a traitor. Anya: A real bad guy... Henchman G: Boss! Nguyen and his guys are back from the apartment! Fake Nguyen: We captured him. Edgar: Well done. Fake Nguyen: Those weren't the moves of an amateur. He's the real deal. Henchman E: Go rest over there. Edgar: Now then, Twilight... Edgar: Let's have you return the photographs you stole from me. Edgar: Nguyen! Henchman E: What's going on?! He was just— Henchman C: The kid's gone! Edgar: He got me again! Loid: This was a mistake. Loid: I risked everything by waltzing right into enemy territory. Loid: I'm a failure as a spy. Anya: Papa... Anya: Pabwaaaaaah! Fake Nguyen: Look, you're okay. I won't do anything. Fake Nguyen: You don't have to be scared. Anya: Pabwaaaaaah! Loid: This is exactly why kids suck. Loid: I see. Loid: I think I figured out why I hate the sound of kids crying so much. Loid: Because I end up remembering my own childhood. Loid: No one reached out their hand to save me. Loid: I felt alone, in despair, and so powerless that all I could do was cry. Loid: I thought I'd abandoned that past, but on a subconscious level, Loid: she was reminding me of me. Loid: No, actually... Fake Nguyen: Listen up, little girl. Anya: Anya. Fake Nguyen: Listen up, Anya. Fake Nguyen: Me and my friends are pro tag players. Fake Nguyen: Whenever we spot someone with potential, we immediately challenge them to a game. Anya: Oh. Anya: Papa is a liar. Fake Nguyen: Now, listen. Fake Nguyen: If you go straight down this street and turn right, Fake Nguyen: you'll find a police station. Fake Nguyen: If you can get this to a police officer, you win the game. Fake Nguyen: Got it? Loid: If you show them this, they'll put you in a better orphanage. Loid: I'm not going to involve a kid in this mission. Loid: I'll figure something out and rework the plan. Anya: Pa— Loid: All right, go! Hurry! Loid: I'm a failure as a spy? No. Loid: My mistake was putting that little girl in danger to begin with. Loid: How could I forget? Loid: To create a world where children won't have to cry... Loid: That's why I became a spy. Henchman B: Don't let that bastard get away! Henchman E: We're gonna drag him out here and expose his face to— Henchman B: A trap? When did he— Henchman E: What is this? Flour? Henchman C: T-Twilight?! Henchman B: Don't sh**t! This whole place will blow! Edgar: Wha— Edgar: You've gotta be sh1tting me. Loid: Turn around, and I'll k*ll you. Edgar: Twilight... Loid: Good day, or perhaps, good evening, Edgar. Loid: How's Karen doing? Edgar: How do you know my daughter's name? Loid: Of course I know. That's what spies do. Loid: I know her height, weight, shoe size, Loid: her favorite foods, even how many moles are on her body. Loid: Though it's nothing compared to your record, I know of her criminal activity, too. Edgar: Absurd! My daughter would never— Loid: Edgar. Loid: I also know how much you care about your daughter. Loid: So listen carefully. Loid: If you wish for her to have any semblance of a normal life, Loid: you'll leave me the hell alone. Loid: If you understand, go home right now. Loid: Anya! Anya: Papa! Anya: Papa! Loid: What are you—I mean, Loid: what are you doing outside the house? Loid: I, uh, just happened to come here to shop, Loid: but I guess they went out of business. Anya: Papa is a huge liar. Anya: I was playing tag with some old guys. Loid: Oh, I see. Did you have fun? Anya: It was a little scary. Anya: I wanna go home. Anya: To our home, Papa. Loid: Are you sure? Anya: If you leave me behind, I'm going to cry. flashback Franky: She's been adopted four times and returned each time. Loid: Anya Williams... Anya Levski... Loid: Anya Roche. Loid: I see. Loid: Well, let's go home, then. Loid: But that apartment is far too dangerous, so let's move. Loid: I spotted a poisonous snake there yesterday. Anya: I don't like snakes. Anya: Papa is a huge liar... Anya: But he's such a cool liar. Anya: I wanna live in a castle. Loid: We'll see if one's listed. Loid: Once we get to our new home, you've got to study. Anya: Gwak! Loid: This time, you just have to memorize all the answers. Loid: It'll be easy. Invigilator: All right, begin! Loid: I'm counting on you, Anya. Loid: You can do it. Child B: This is so hard! Child C: I don't know any of these answers! Child D: Um... eeny, meeny, miny, moe... Child E: Mommy... Loid: K-... Loid: K-... Loid: It's there! You passed! Loid: You did it! Anya: Did I do a good job? Loid: You bet you did! Loid: You— Anya: Papa! Loid: I relaxed for a second and all my pent-up exhaustion h*t me at once. Anya: Papa! Don't leave me! Loid: I... relaxed? Anya: Papa! You're going to make me cry! Anya: I promise to be a good girl!Just come back to me! Loid: What the hell is going on with me? Anya: Papa died. Mailman: I've got some mail for you! Mailman: Is this the Forger residence? Anya: I'm Anya Forger. Mailman: Could you give this to your mommy or daddy? Anya: My mama doesn't exist. Mailman: Oh, really? I'm sorry... Anya: Papa! The mailman came. Loid: What do you think you're doing?! Are you trying to k*ll me?! Loid: I actually fell asleep in front of someone. Loid: Unacceptable. I need to get a grip. Anya: Mail! Loid: It's a letter from Eden College. Anya: What's the matter, Papa? Loid: "The second phase of the admission process is a family interview." Loid: "It is mandatory that the applicant attend with both parents." Loid: "Absolutely no exceptions." Anya: But Mama doesn't exist. SECURE A WIFE

{"type": "series", "show": "Spy \u00d7 Family", "episode": "01x01 - Operation Strix"}

foreverdreaming

Loid: Yeah, no. Franky: What?! Anya: Anya cannot accept this mama. Loid: You're just not going to cut it for the mother role, Franky. Franky: You're literally a spy. Couldn't you have done my disguise better? Loid: There's only so much I can do with your height and physique. Franky: I can't believe I volunteered for this! Anya: Have a peanut. Loid: Operation Strix. Loid: In order to stop a key figure in Ostania, Desmond, from trying to start a w*r, Loid: I was given this top-secret mission as a member of WISE. Loid: We were able to pass the written exam to get into the prestigious Eden College, Loid: but who knew the interview process's next stage demanded the attendance of both parents? Loid: Very well. Sign: SECURE A WIFE Loid: I guess I'll have to explore my options. Camilla: Did you hear? A thief might've entered our office. Sign: Capital City Berlint, City Hall Camilla: Apparently, they only searched drawers with information regarding the girls. Camilla: Like, what? What kind of creep does that? Millie: Honestly, the section chief is way creepier. Millie: He's always ogling me. Sharon: That's because you're always wearing those short skirts. Millie: Well, my boyfriend likes it when I wear them. Millie: You've got a nice figure yourself, Sharon, so flaunt it more. Sharon: You don't bother anymore once you have a kid. Camilla: So hey... Camilla: What do you think about this, Yor? Isn't it creepy? Yor: Sorry? Millie: Is that the section chief's coffee? Let's put some boogers in it. Yor: Huh? Yor: Do boogers somehow make it taste better? Camilla: You know, Yor... I've gotta say you're rather... Camilla: unique. Millie: I know, right? Millie: She's so out there that I bet guys keep their distance. Sharon: Come on, now, Millie. Camilla: You've got a nice face and body, Yor. Camilla: You'd be a knockout if you just dressed up. Yor: Uh-huh... Millie: I'll give you the deets on some of my favorite cosmetics. Yor: I'm honestly content as long as I get to keep this job. Camilla: But aren't you, like, ? You need to be careful. Camilla: There seem to be a lot of spies around lately, you know? Camilla: So people are apparently getting reported over the tiniest things. Camilla: The other day, a single woman in her late twenties Camilla: got reported by her neighbors for being suspicious. Millie: Wait, what? That's hilarious. Millie: You know everything, Camilla. Sharon: True, it's unheard of to be single at that age. Very suspicious. Yor: Oh, I see. Thank you for the warning. Camilla: Oh, yeah. I'm having a party at my place this weekend. Camilla: You should totally come, Yor. Camilla: Make sure you bring your partner with you. Sharon: Isn't that asking a bit much? Camilla: Maybe the creeper who snuck into this place will go with her. Millie: That's so mean! Yor: Hello, Briar residence. Yuri: Hey, Sis. How have you been? Yor: Oh, Yuri. Yuri: How's work going? Yor: Don't worry. I'm still employed. Yuri: I'm worried about you. You're kinda unusual, y'know. Yor: How rude. I'm completely normal. Yuri: Isn't it about time you got married? Yuri: Anyone you're interested in? Yor: This again? Yuri: The thing is, there's a chance I might get promoted... Yuri: Meaning I'll probably be even busier running around than before. Yuri: But I can't leave you alone like this, Yuri: so I'm not sure if I should take it. Yuri: The whole reason I got this far is because of you, and I'm truly grateful. Yuri: That's why I just want you to be happy. Yor: I know. Yor: Thank you, Yuri. Yuri: If you want, I can introduce you to someone. Yor: Huh? N-No, that's okay. Yor: O-Oh, yes. I'm actually going to a party this weekend. Yor: With my partner, of course. Yuri: Huh? You have a boyfriend? Yor: I do, actually... Yor: So don't worry. Yuri: I see! That's great. It'll be a party with coworkers, right? Yor: Yup. Camilla's throwing it. Yuri: Ah. Yuri: Then I'll have to ask Dominic about the guy later. Yor: Huh? Yuri: I mean, I know how gullible you are. Yuri: I'll have to chase him away if he's a loser. Yor: Huh? Um... Yuri: I'll hold off on this promotion until I know he's a good guy. Yor: Oh, you don't need to do tha— Yuri: I look forward to meeting him. Goodnight. Yor: What should I do? Yor: I need to find someone by the time of the party. Yor: If he finds out I'm lying, he'll think I'm a weirdo and a pathological liar, Yor: and he'll lose even more trust in me. Yor: I need to find someone for the sake of my little brother's promotion. Yor: Yuri, you've got the wrong idea! I was just joking earlier— Shopkeeper: Oh, dear. Did you buddy-buddy siblings actually have a quarrel? Yor: Oh, Shopkeeper? Yor: I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was you. Shopkeeper: Good evening. I have a client for you, Thorn Princess. Shopkeeper: The Royal Hotel. Shopkeeper: Room . Men in Black B: Apologies, my lady. This whole floor has been reserved. Men in Black A: Did anyone call for this chick? Men in Black C: Who knows? Yor: But I've heard... Yor: that a traitorous scumbag is staying here. Brennan: What in the world?! Men in Black C: It's an ambush! A lone woman— Yor: Excuse me. Yor: Vice Minister Brennan from the auditing department, I presume? Yor: I am terribly sorry if I interrupted anything... Yor: But may I have the honor of taking your life? Narrator: Code name: Thorn Princess. Narrator: An assassin. Narrator: She was taught the skills of her trade from a young age, Narrator: and has done any dirty work her employer requested ever since. Yor: It's not coming off. Yor: Huh? Oh, no! What shall I do? Yor: This is the only nice dress I own. Yor: Now I can't go to the party. flashback Yuri: Anyone you're interested in? flashback Sharon: It's unheard of to be single at that age. flashback Camilla: Make sure you bring your partner with you. Yor: But it's hopeless. Yor: When it comes to homemaking... Cleaning is the only thing I can do. Anya: Scruffy Head! Franky: I copied all the files of unmarried women from city hall. Loid: Great, thanks. Franky: You need one who won't care you're divorced with a kid, Franky: is refined enough for a prestigious school, Franky: and is willing to get married within hours? Franky: If a goddess like that exists, I'd sure love to meet her. Franky: Meanwhile, I'm not picky at all, yet I can't even get a date. Loid: How unfortunate. Franky: Don't pity me, assh*le! Anya: Is having a kid bad? Am I in the way? Loid: You're not in the way at all. Loid: Don't worry. Just go watch some TV. Anya: 'Kay. Franky: Actually, why don't you just use a female agent from your work? Loid: A lot of them got caught in the recent spy hunts, so I couldn't find a good match. Bondman: Wake up! Hey! Bondman: You... You won't get away with this! Franky: Selling people out is really in right now. Loid: We don't have enough agents, so I got another mission on top of this. Loid: Eliminating a certain smuggling ring. Franky: They're working you to the bone! Franky: Let's just get this over with. Franky: The quickest options would be women in bad circumstances who'd cooperate with you. Franky: Finding dirt on them might help, too. Franky: If they don't have any, we can always make some up. Loid: I'd like to avoid anything risky. Franky: Oh, please. She's plenty risky. Franky: She definitely doesn't look like any princess from a rich family. Anya: Push! Push! Loid: You've got a point. Loid: I need to at least do something about her appearance. Proprietress: Now, young lady, I'm going to take your measurements. Come with me. Anya: I'm being sold off somewhere! Loid: You won't be if you behave. Loid: Honestly, where does she learn to talk like that? Loid: The seamstress... is married. Loid: The proprietress was listed among the single women, Loid: but she's been arrested once over political activities, so she's too dangerous. Loid: Finding the right person might take longer than— Yor: Pardon me. Female Employee: Oh, I haven't seen you in a while, Yor. Yor: Hello. I was hoping I could get my dress fixed up. Yor: Could I get it done as quickly as possible? Female employee: But of course. You're one of our regulars. Loid: She managed to slip behind me so easily. Who is she? Loid: Yor... Yor... Loid: There we go. Loid: Yor Briar, years old. Loid: She has no record of being married or divorced. Loid: Both of her parents are deceased, Loid: and she has one brother who's much younger than her. Loid: They're both civil servants whose records are pretty clean. Loid: Did I just let my guard down? Loid: I'm far too relaxed lately. Yor: Excuse me. Yor: You've been staring at me ever since I walked in. May I help you? Loid internal: Impossible! She could even sense my gaze? Loid: Er, no, um, I'm sorry... Loid: I was just admiring how pretty you are. Yor: Does that mean... Yor: You have a favorable impression of my physical appearance? Loid: Er, well... Yes. Camilla: You've got a nice face and body, Yor. Camilla: You'd be a knockout if you just dressed up. Yor: Um— Anya: Papa! Anya: I now know how long I am! Anya: Who's that? Loid: Another customer. Yor: He has a child. Yor: I almost pursued someone's husband. Yor: I've heard that women have been k*lled by wives for such things. Yor: I mean, if it happened to me,I'd just k*ll them back... Anya: Huh? Yor: No, I mustn't. Yor: If I think like this, someone will eventually figure out that I'm an assassin. Yor: I must learn to be more normal. Anya: A-An assassin?! Anya: A spy... An assassin... Anya: I'm... Anya: so excited! Narrator: The little girl was starving for entertainment. Loid: Hmm... I was considering her as a candidate to play my wife, but never mind. Yor: I was considering him to act as my boyfriend at the party, Yor: but I must avoid these so-called messy lovers' quarrels. Anya: Ah, I am oh so lonely because I do not have a mama. Loid: What brought this on? Anya: I long for a mama. Yor: Are you not with your wife? Loid: Oh, er... Loid: I actually lost my wife two years ago, Loid: so I'm raising her on my own now. Yor: So I won't be k*lled for asking him to the party! Yor: Excuse me... Loid: Pretend to be your boyfriend? Yor: Yes... I fibbed to my younger brother about having a boyfriend. Yor: If it's not too much trouble, I was hoping you'd accompany me to this party. Yor: Um, I promise I don't have any ulterior motives! Yor: Of course, I'll thank you properly, too. Yor: I just want to put my brother's mind at ease. Loid: Very well. Loid: I accept. Yor: Really?! Loid: But I would like something in return. Loid: So you see... Loid: I'd like you to play the role of her mother during the interview. Yor: Her mother? Loid: With the future being so uncertain right now, Loid: my only wish is for my daughter to get into a good school. Loid: This was also the wish of my late wife. Anya: Papa is a liar. Yor: What a wonderful person. Loid Internal: I'll have her accept something simple first, Loid: It will only be one time. Would you be up for it? Loid internal: but I'll get her to agree to a formal marriage in the end. Yor: A-All right... If you think I'm fit for the role. Loid: Thank you. Then let us reconvene at Saturday's party. Yor: Yes. Loid: I got a sitter for you on Saturday, so make sure you behave. Anya: Stock up on them peanuts! Loid: Yeah, yeah. Cashier: Ten pents is your change, ribbit. Cashier: Thanks, ribbit. Anya: Ribbit? Loid: A T... no, an F cipher. Loid: Must be the details on the extra mission. Loid: Retrieving art pieces that were stolen from the West and eliminating this smuggling ring. Loid: I'm to carry out this mission Saturday at hours when the target meets with the buyer. Loid: Saturday? Loid: And so... Loid: We're going to take care of this quickly so I can make it to the party. Loid: You're helping. Franky: Hang on a second! I'm just an informant! My fighting skills are literal trash! Franky: Not to mention, you already pretty much capped your tab— Loid: We're talking art pieces valued at a total of three million dalcs. Loid: I'm almost certain no one would notice if one or two happened to go missing. Franky: Leave it to me. Franky: I just so happen to have invented some new spy gear just for days like this. Loid: He's so useful. Yor: Loid is awfully late. Yor: I hope he wasn't in some terrible accident. Lackey A: Hold it! Lackey B: Who're you workin' for?! Franky: You didn't tell me there'd be an army of them! Loid: Two, four, six... of them. Loid: I can't afford to waste even ten seconds on each one! Loid: Reinforcements! There's no end to them. Franky: I got 'em all in! Get in! Franky: Whoo! Franky: Let's see... Which one's going to accidentally go missing? Loid: I'm helping myself to this one. Franky: Hey, that's a diamond! No fair taking the expensive-looking one! Loid: I'll use it as part of this whole charade. Franky: Shut up! Give that back! Yor: I see. Yor: So this is what it means to have your heart toyed with. Yor: I must keep my work relationships favorable for my brother's sake, too. Yor: Which means that I must attend this party. Camilla: You're late, Yor! Yor: I do apologize. Here's a gift. Camilla: Oh? I thought you were coming with your boyfriend. Yor: Unfortunately, he had something suddenly come up. Camilla: Oh, what a shame. I was so eager to meet him! Camilla: What a lame excuse. Millie: How pathetic. Sharon: I knew she was lying about having a guy. Millie: Should we report the liar? Camilla: We should! Camilla: I'm positive she's a spy who's been sent in to lower our country's birth rate. Sharon: Seriously? That's so petty. Sharon: She's just unpopular with the guys. Sharon: Just leave her be. Camilla: You're meaner than both of us, Sharon. Dominic: It's too bad your boyfriend couldn't make it. I was excited to meet him. Millie: You're so hilarious. Yor: D-Dominic... Dominic: Yuri's always so worried about you. Yor: Um, could you possibly... Yor: just tell my brother than I came to the party with a kind gentleman? Camilla: Yeah, not happening. Camilla: Just how desperate are you to impress people, Yor? Camilla: It just makes you look even more pathetic. Dominic: Jeez, knock it off, Camilla! Camilla: Stop talking to my man. Camilla: I'll be sure to let your brother know that you came alone. Yor: What could she possibly gain by doing that? Yor: This is honestly becoming tiresome. Yor: If all of the adults here just happened to perish, Yor: my brother would never find out... Dominic: I'm so sorry. Have fun! Dominic: Come on, Camilla. Help me bake this gratin. Female Guest A: And then that guy... Girl: Mommy! Sharon: My oldest here will be taking an entrance exam soon. Sharon: At the prestigious Eden College. Female Guest B: Wow, that's wonderful! Male Guest A: He'll be a shoe-in with the elite. Yor: That must be what "normal" looks like. Yor: I'm sure that's how my brother wanted me to end up. Camilla: Seriously? She's still here. Millie: She's tougher than she looks. Sharon: I'm honestly surprised she had the nerve to show up alone. Yor: I see... I'm too out of my league here. Yor: I do beg your pardon. Yor: I will have to take my leav— Loid: I'm terribly sorry for arriving late. Loid: I'm Yor's husband, Loid Forger. Yor: Um... Yor: I just needed a boyfriend, not a husband. Loid: Shit! Loid: I mixed up my mission with hers. Dominic: Um... Mr. Forger, was it? You're bleeding. Loid: Oh, pardon me. Loid: One of my patients had a violent episode. Loid: It happens all the time to a psychiatrist. Loid: Have you been enjoying yourself, Yor? Camilla: You're joking, right? Camilla: You're married, Yor? Camilla: Why didn't you tell us? Yor: Um, I... Loid: It's embarrassing to say so, but this is my second marriage and I already have a child, Loid: so it may have been hard to bring up. Camilla: Don't give me that shit! Loid: It's my fault. Camilla: There's absolutely no way Yor has a husband who's that handsome and hot! Camilla: I'll embarrass her in front of everyone! Camilla: Yor, I just got this piping hot gratin right out of the oven! Camilla: Oops, I seemed to have tripped! Loid: I admire your dedication to not wasting food, Loid: but it's a bit improper to use your feet, Yor. Yor: Oh, I'm so sorry. Dominic: That got you? Loid: This is quite delicious. Yor: Indeed. Camilla: Did you know, Mr. Ranger... Loid: It's Forger. Camilla: ...that she was apparently doing some questionable work before working at city hall? Camilla: What did you do again? Dominic: Come on, stop it! Camilla: Men would call you to their hotel rooms so you could give them "massages"? Camilla: Oh, you little whore. Yor: That was... Yor: "Massages" were a cover for occupational m*rder. Yor: Um, please don't get the wrong idea, Loid. I— Loid: How wonderful. Yor: Huh? Loid: Yor lost her parents at a very young age. Loid: She did all she could to care for her younger brother, Loid: even if it meant sacrificing herself. Loid: Be it for someone else Loid: or for a specific reason,having to endure a merciless job Loid: requires an incredible amount of dedication. Loid: And that's something to be very proud of. Loid: Let's go home, Yor. Yor: Er, yes... Thank you for the lovely party, everyone. Loid: I-I'm so sorry I said I was your husband. Yor: Oh, it's all right. Loid: I'm not sure what to tell your brother if he hears of this. Yor: Um, Loid... I have a suggestion. Loid: What... Loid: Remnants of the smuggling ring? Loid: Hang on, Yor! Yor: Huh? Loid: How did they know where I was? Loid: Did they... leave a tracking device in the art pieces? Loid: You've definitely let your guard down, Twilight. Yor: Who are those people? Loid: Um, uh... Loid: I-It appears some of my patients still haven't recovered Loid: from their psychotic episodes. Yor: Being a doctor must be very taxing. Loid: She actually believed it! Loid: In the meantime... Loid: We're making a break for it. Remnant A: They've abandoned the van. Remnant B: They're probably hiding nearby. Split up and find them. Loid: Yor, this way. Hurry! Yor: Um... Are you sure it's all right for you to h*t your patients like that? Loid: Um, well... Loid: The concussive recovery method is the latest in modern medical practices. Yor: I see. This is fiction. Loid: I can't tell if she's actually bright or dumb. Loid: Look out, Yor! Loid: Another one! I can't dodge it! Yor: Oh, no! Yor: I'm so sorry an amateur like me helped with the recovery! Yor: I happen to be an expert in self-defense. Yor: My brother was kind enough to teach me... Loid: Thank you, Yor. Loid: That was quite impressive. Did you see how far he went? Yor: I'm sorry. I guess I did send him flying. Remnant G: There he is! Loid: This way! Remnant G: Do whatever you need to do! Make sure they're d*ad! Yor: Um, Loid... This may not be the best moment to ask, Yor: but why don't we get married? Loid: I'm sorry?! Yor: Er, well, it would extend our agreement... Yor: I mean... Apparently, I'm considered suspicious just for being single, Yor: so it'd be nice camouflage... Yor: For me to continue my job as an assassin, too. Yor: Um, basically, Yor: if it's all right with you, maybe we could just stay together, Yor: and not just for the interview... Yor: For both our sakes. Yor: He's probably the only person who could accept me for who I am right now. Loid: Then let's stop by city hall on our way back to fill out the paperwork. Yor: Huh? Right now?! Loid: They do say no time like the present. Loid: Oh, that's right. Loid: Where did I drop it? Remnant B: You bastard! Remnant B: We have 'em cornered! Remnant A: Fill 'em full of lead! Loid: Yor... Loid: Even in sickness, Loid: or in sadness... Loid: No matter what hardships await us, Loid: let us be there for one another. Yor: All right. Loid: Until my mission... Yor: Until my k*lling... Loid and Yor: ...do us part. PREPARE FOR THE INTERVIEW

{"type": "series", "show": "Spy \u00d7 Family", "episode": "01x02 - Secure a Wife"}

foreverdreaming

Narrator: Everyone has a side they don't show anyone else. Narrator: To their friends, their significant others, or even their families. Narrator: They hide what they're truly feeling through fake smiles or bravado, Narrator: and keep their true identities secret. Narrator: That is how the world keeps up the appearance of its temporary peace. Narrator: In an era in which the nations of the world were waging a fierce w*r Narrator: of information just out of sight, Narrator: two countries were at odds with each other. Narrator: Ostania, in the east, was secretly plotting to start a w*r. Narrator: Westalis, in the west, wanted to put a stop to those plans. Narrator: In order to keep an eye on the actions of a leading figure in Ostania's government, Narrator: Westalis set Operation Strix in motion. Narrator: The one tasked with this operation is the skilled agent, Twilight. Narrator: The mission given to the master of disguise with a hundred faces was... Narrator: to start a family. Park Avenue, West DistrictCapital City of Berlint, Ostania Loid: Is this everything you own? Yor: Yes. Loid: It's not very much. Yor: Um, Loid... about the sleeping arrangements... Loid: We'll be sleeping in separate rooms, of course. Loid: We'll share one for appearances anytime we have guests over. Yor: R-Right. Anya: Welcome to Anya's house! Yor: Thank you for the lovely welcome, Miss Anya. Narrator: This house is home to a rather unusual family. Narrator: The father, Loid Forger, is a psychiatrist. Narrator: His true identity: a spy. Code Name<Twilight> Narrator: Code name: Twilight. Narrator: The mother, Yor Forger, is a civil servant who works at city hall. Narrator: Her true identity: an assassin. Code Name<Thorn Princess> Narrator: Code name: Thorn Princess. Narrator: The daughter, Anya Forger. Narrator: Her true identity: a telepath. Anya: I'm so happy to have a mama now! Yor: Mama... Anya: I'm gonna help. Loid: Oh, right. By the way... Loid: I had a friend of mine who's a judge make it so we got married a year ago. Loid: By that, I mean he forged the certificate. Loid: We can figure out why we lived separately and what to tell your brother later. Yor: All right. Loid: It would make the school suspicious if we got married just before the interview. Yor: I got permission from the Shopkeeper, so I feel much better. Anya: So exciting... Narrator: Father, mother, daughter... Narrator: These three created this pretend family to further their own ends, Narrator: and are living under the same roof as they hide their true identities from each other. PREPARE FOR THE INTERVIEW Anya: I'm going to show Mama around! Loid: Once we get settled in, we'll practice the interview. Anya: This is the kitchen! Anya: Papa is good at cooking! Yor: Oh, I see. Anya: This is the toilet. And that's the bathtub! Yor: Everything's so clean. Anya: I can wash my face all by myself! Yor: You're such a big girl, Miss Anya. Anya: This is Anya's room! Anya: Welcome! Yor: Thank you for inviting me in. Yor: My, what an adorable room. Anya: I'll introduce you to Mr. Chimera. Anya: I am Chimera. It is a pweasure to meet your acquiantenance. Yor: It's very nice to meet you, Mr. Chimera. Yor: I am Miss Anya's mama. Anya: This is Papa's room! Yor: So this is Loid's room... Anya: This is your room, Mama. Anya: Come in, Mama. Yor: Why, thank you. Yor: So this is my... Yor: What a lovely room. Loid: I'm glad you like it. Loid: This should be everything. Loid: Is the furniture arranged to your liking? I also cleaned a bit. Yor: Yes, everything is wonderful. Anya: I helped clean, too! Yor: Really? Thank you so much. Anya: Am I a good girl? Loid: All you did was tip over a bucket of water. Anya: Shock! Yor: This is such a lovely room. I don't know what to do with myself. Loid: What do you mean? Loid: Please make yourself at home. Loid: Actually, this is your home now, so make yourself comfortable. Yor: Thank you. Loid: I'll come get your boxes once they're empty. Yor: Loid, I've got everything put away. Loid: You're quite efficient. Loid: Ah, this must be your younger brother. Yor: Oh, yes. Loid: You said he's also a civil servant? Yor: Yes. He seems quite busy lately, so I've only spoken to him on the phone. Loid: It seems you two are quite similar. Loid: I should properly introduce myself once Anya's entrance exam is over. Yor: Um, Loid. About that... Yor: I don't have anything suitable to wear to this interview... Loid: Then let's go to the tailor today. Yor: Thank you very much. Anya: Helping, helping... Yor: M-Miss Anya, I'll take care of that! Yor: I have my work w*apon and poison powerful enough to k*ll an elephant in there. Yor: Can I get you something, Loid? Loid: Some coffee, please. Black. Anya: I want hot cocoa! Loid: With sugar and milk. Anya: That's the stuff! Yor: They look amazing. Are those cookies homemade? Loid: It's actually my first time making cookies. Loid: I just followed a recipe from a cookbook, so they should be decent. Loid: I hope you like them. Yor: Thank you. Yor: They're wonderful! You really are an amazing cook! Loid: It's not that impressive, really. Anya: I helped with the cookies, too! Yor: Oh, I see. Loid: After you got covered in flour and got in my way, Loid: you just snacked on some peanuts. Loid: Once we're settled in, let's begin. Loid: Eden College is one of the most prestigious schools in the country. Loid: During the interview, not only will the child be evaluated, Loid: but so will the parents. Loid: They will be evaluated on their social standing as well as how cultured they are. Loid: Understood? Loid: Now, let's start the questions. Loid: First, please state your name and address. Anya: Anya Fo...Fo...Horger. Address? Loid: The place we're at right now. Anya: This is Anya's house! Loid: That's not what I meant. Loid: Er, so, Miss Anya... How do you spend your days off? Anya: Papa orders me to stay home, Anya: so I have to watch TV all alone. Loid: Now, wait a second. Loid: That makes a terrible impression. Madam? Yor: Yes? Loid: Why did you choose Eden College, and how do you plan to pass this exam? Yor: How do people usually pass? Yor: Um, pass, passing... Yor: Perhaps because of cardiac arrest, or excessive bleeding? Yor: Or compound fractures throughout the body? Yor: Oh! Maybe their skull was caved in. Loid: k*ll me now. Next question. Loid: Could you describe your parenting methods? Yor: Huh? U-Um... Strike first to be victorious? Loid: I'm amazed her brother turned out to be a decent human being. Loid: I've been a spy for over a decade. Loid: I've completed countless missions,yet only now do I find myself losing heart. Loid: This is pointless. There's no way we'll survive the interview at this rate. Loid: Let's give up on getting her into that school. Yor: Loid! Please remember your late wife's wishes! Loid: Clearly, we weren't ready for this mock interview yet. Loid: All right, let's go out for a bit. Loid: Let's broaden our horizons, become versed in what is normal for an upper-class family, Loid: and make sure that we're all on the same page. Anya: We're on an ooting, an ooting, la, la, la, lah! Loid: You mean "outing." Anya: Wanna hold hands, Mama? Yor: I-If you don't mind. Loid: Thank goodness Anya's taken a liking to her. Loid: The plan is set. Loid: After today, we'll seem like a normal... no. Loid: We'll be seen as an upper-crust family. Yor: Oh... This reminds me of when my little brother was still small and adorable. Yor: And that one time I hugged him too hard and ended up breaking two of his ribs. Yor: I must be careful. Loid: Wait... what? Maybe not... Yor: B-By the way, where are we headed? Loid: I've acquired a variety of tickets through my connections at work. Loid: Tradition and status are everything at Eden College. Loid: We'll have to experience and get accustomed to the best that life has to offer, Loid: and make sure we don't slip up if we let our guard down. Loid: All right, next. Loid: Anya, no yelling while we're here. Anya: 'Kay. Loid: We've experienced first-class music, Loid: so now for some first-class art... And you know the rest. Anya: Papa! I can see her boobies! Anya: Head's been choppy-chopped! Body's been choppy-chopped! Loid: What did I just say about yelling? Loid: Yor? Loid: Y-Yor...? Anya: I wanna do that! Loid: Drawing? Sure. Loid: Yor, why don't we sit down for a bit? Yor: All right. Anya: Anya's house is a big castle. Anya: The boss of the secret organization is Director Chimera. Anya: Papa is a spy! Pew, pew! Anya: Mama is an assassin! s*ab, s*ab, sploosh! Loid: We should probably get going. Yor: Yes. Anya: All done! Loid: Anya, we're going to our next stop. Anya: If Papa and Mama see this,they'll find out about my powers! Loid: Wow, that's quite a masterpiece. Loid: There seems to be a pig in a forest. Anya: That's Mr. Chimera, and he lives in a castle! Loid: I see. I definitely see Bondman there, though. Loid: I'm right, aren't I? Anya: Yep... Loid: It's that spy cartoon you were watching last week. Loid: So this witch-looking one must be the princess. Loid: That part seems rather graphic. Loid: Oh, but that cat is cute. Anya: That's a doggy! Loid: I see. Then I apologize. Loid: We're going to the tailor next. Yor: Sorry to have you do this on your day off. Loid: It's quite all right. This is something we need to do. Anya: My going-out clothes are so cute! Anya: They fit perfectly! Anya: This shop is great! I love it! Proprietress: Why, thank you. Anya: This is my first ooting in my going-out clothes. Proprietress: Then it must be a day of celebration. Anya: A day to celebrate this ooting! Loid: In that case, we can stop by a photography studio next. Female Employee: Yor, dear. Right this way. Yor: Coming. Proprietress: If you're looking for a semi-formal dress, I think this color would do nicely. Proprietress: What do you think? Yor: I'd honestly prefer a black or red dress. Proprietress: Really? I think this would look nice on you, Yor. Proprietress: Then how about this? Loid: Judging from her lack of luggage, I thought she had no interest in clothes. Loid: I see you're particular about matching colors. Yor: No... I wouldn't say that. Yor: This color's lovely, but I'm worried that blood splatters would be too noticeable. Female employee: Looks like Yor finally found someone nice. Proprietress: Hopefully they last. Having a child already is an instant no for me, though. Loid: Looks like the extra outfits will be ready by the interview, too. Yor: I'm so sorry to have you get so many. Loid: Well, you look nice in colors besides red and black. Loid: We'll be going out more often, too. Anya: Ootings! Ootings! Loid: You're a regular at that shop, aren't you? Loid: I'm sure we'll continue to shop there, so next time, we should tell them we're married. Yor: Oh, right. Politician: We, the Nationalist Party, believe that there is a road to peace with the West. Loid: Patriotism is also important within Eden. Audience A: You moron! Audience B: k*ll all the bastards in the West! Politician: Continuing to treat Westalis as the enemy will do us no good. Loid: I'll need to make sure she's knowledgeable of politics and history, as well. Audience C: Piss off, traitor! Audience F: Gimme money, gimme money, gimme money... Audience D: Those bastards k*lled my family! Audience E: Get lost with the pleasantries! Audience G: First I lost my job, then my home! Loid: What's the matter? Anya: I don't like places like this... Audience H: k*ll all the shitheads in the West! Loid: Sorry. Maybe this was a little scary for you. Yor: Let's go rest somewhere. Audience I: The East did nothing wrong! Audience mob: Go back to your Western masters! Audience mob: Damn it! Audience mob: You pig! Audience mob: You stupid baldy! Audience mob: Your feet smell, too! Anya: Papa, I'm hungry. Loid: Huh? Loid: Are you all right or not? Loid: No, Anya. Don't just pick the nuts off the and no eating with your hands. Loid: And Yor, uh... Hmm... Loid: I've been a spy for over a decade. Loid: I've completed countless missions,yet once again I find myself losing heart. Anya: S'all good, Papa. Loid: What is? Loid: Yeah, I definitely picked the wrong child. Loid: No, this is all because I was expected to rely on others. Loid: I shouldn't have put the key to success in the hands of others, let alone civilians. Loid: Predicting every possible situation, preparing for it, Loid: and acting from a carefully laid-out plan. Loid: Those are the ironclad rules of being a spy. Loid: Which means that I need to list every possible question the interviewer can ask, Loid: then have these two memorize the perfect answers to go with them. Loid: If all else fails, make sure I can back them up— Yor: Um... Yor: Why don't we go get some fresh air? Anya: The people look like bits of trash from up here. Loid: Where did you get that from? Anya: My cartoons. Loid: Ah... Loid: I had no idea there was a park like this on the outskirts of town. Yor: I don't come here that often either, Yor: but I wander over here when I'm exhausted from work. Yor: Thinking about how the work I do helps everyone in this city out Yor: encourages me to work harder. Yor: Oh, this place must be awfully boring! I'm terribly sorry! Anya: I like this place better than crowded places! Yor: Oh, that's wonderful! Old woman: Thief! Someone help! Loid: That old lady should've been more careful. Yor: You won't get away with this! Yor: Hold it right there! Loid: Oh, damn it. Yor: I lost track of him. Yor: Are you all right, ma'am? Are you hurt? Old woman: I'm fine. Just a few scratches. Yor: I promise I'll catch him for you! And I'll take you to the hospital later! Old woman: Why, thank you. Yor: I left Loid and Anya behind. Loid: He blended in with the crowd. Loid: I'm very sorry, Yor, but you probably won't be able to find him now. Mob A: Man, I'm starving. Mob B: So expensive... Mob C: Aw, this is so cute. Mob D: Crap, I'm gonna piss my pants. Mob E: My feet hurt. Mob G: That shopworker is so cool. Mob F: I wonder if there's a million dalc lying around somewhere. Mob M: Oh, I forgot to pay my rent. Mob H: Man, he's late. Mob I: Honestly, this child... Mob J: What am I going to do? I failed my test again. Mob K: That bastard. I'm gonna m*rder him. Mob L: Maybe I'll say hi... Loid: Hey, this again? Thief: Man, that old crone was loaded. Anya: Papa! Loid: Whoa, what? Anya: I wanna eat cake! Loid: What?! Loid: We just left the restaurant... Loid: He's... Loid: He changed his clothes, but it's not so easy to change the way you walk. Loid: Don't think you'll get away from me. Yor: Loid! Anya: Mama's here. Loid: Yor, look after Anya for me. Thief: I'll be able to have plenty of fun for a while with this much. Thief: First, I'm gonna treat myself to the finest meal and— Loid: A filthy swine like you deserves nothing more than the foulest meal. Mob N: What's going on? Mob O: A guy just dropped from the sky. Loid: A spy must not bring attention to himself. Mob P: Did he fall? Loid: Pardon me. This fellow is a purse snatcher, so please call the police and hand him over. Mob P: A purse snatcher? Old woman: Thank you for escorting me all the way here. Old woman: I had money to get my grandchild a gift in my purse. Old woman: Thank you so much. You were a big help. Yor: Oh, actually... Yor: The one who got it back was my, um, husband. Loid: No, if you weren't there, Yor, I wouldn't have even gone after him. Old woman: Thank you so much. What a fine gentleman you are. Loid: Er, again... flashback Chief: Hero who casts no shadow, flashback Chief: the great deeds you and your fellow agents do shall never see the light of day. Old woman: Thank you. Loid: I guess... receiving thanks every once in a while wouldn't hurt. Anya: Papa is a softie. Loid: Thank you, Yor. Loid: Today was a nice change of pace. Loid: Now I'll be able to work hard again. Anya: Papa and Mama are flirting. Loid and Yor: We are not! Anya: Does Anya get a thank you, too? Loid: Well... I guess we did find the thief because you were hungry again. Loid: Good girl. Old woman: My, what a lovely family you are. Old woman: Here's some candy for you, dear. Anya: Candy! Loid: Make sure you say, "Thank you." Anya: The ooting is over! Loid: What a long day. Anya: Mama! Anya: I want some hot cocoa, please! Yor: As you wish. Loid: Hey, more importantly, we need to retry this mock interview. Loid: So, Miss Anya, how do you spend your days off? Anya: We go to the opera, the museum, and eat at restaurants. Loid: Yes! Exactly! Loid: If you're asked this question, make sure you talk about today. Loid: Okay, next question. Loid: You've seen your friend do something naughty. Loid: What will you do? Anya: I'd jump on top of them, b*at them up, and make them eat the foulest meal! Loid: Hmm... Pretend you never saw that, okay? Loid: Yup, this is hopeless. I'm done. Anya: Papa, you were so cool! Yor: Yes, he was. Anya: Ka-bam! Anya: It's the foulest meal for you! Anya: Hot cocoa is the best. flashback Old woman: My, what a lovely family you are. Loid: I guess if she saw us that way... Loid: About one percent of my preparations are complete. THE PRESTIGIOUS SCHOOL'S INTERVIEW

{"type": "series", "show": "Spy \u00d7 Family", "episode": "01x03 - Prepare for the Interview"}

foreverdreaming

Loid: The time has come. Loid: Let us check our personal effects. Yor: All clear, sir. Loid: And now, our appearances. Yor: All clear, sir. Loid: And a final check of our verbal etiquette. Anya: All set, please. Will do my best, please. Loid: I feel nothing but anxiety about this, Loid: but we've done everything we could. Loid: Now, onward... THE PRESTIGIOUS SCHOOL'S INTERVIEW Loid: To Eden College's interview! Yor: It's so big! Loid: Well, it is one of this country's top schools. Yor: And there are so many examinees... Loid: They're all our rivals. Loid: Anya, are you going to be okay in this crowd? Anya: I'll be okay, please. Loid: Let us go, then. Loid: This feeling... Loid: There's no doubt about it. Loid: I've experienced this many times. Loid: Someone is watching us. Could it be... Loid: Is there an enemy hidden in this crowd? Anya: An enemy? Yor: I feel someone's gaze... Loid: No, that's not it. Loid: I'm not the only one being watched. Loid: It's always an unpleasant feeling to be observed like this. Loid: There. Loid: Four in the overhead passage. Loid: Four in the bell tower. Loid: More in the buildings to the left and right. Loid: I have information on most of the staff at this school. Loid: Those... are the instructors. Loid: They're observing every action that everyone is taking and scoring them Loid: to see if they're worthy of this school. Loid: Which means... the exam has already g*n. Loid: I need you two to be on your guard. Loid: We're being watched by the examiners. Yor: Huh? Loid: We'll do this just as we practiced. Instructor A: D-, fail. Instructor B: A-, fail. Instructor D: G-, pass. Henderson: I must say, the examinees this year lack refinement. Henderson: They all lack true elegance. Teachers: Good morning, Housemaster. Eden College<Housemaster> Henderson: It displeases me to know their crude feet Henderson: are trudging upon the blessed ground of our school. Henderson: Elegance creates tradition. Henderson: Elegance is what truly makes this world a paradise. Henderson: Fail any family lacking elegance immediately. Instructor B: Yes, sir. Henderson: Hm? Henderson: Oho... Henderson: It appears that not all hope has been lost. Henderson: They are paying their respects to the statue of our founder?! Loid: I, Twilight, am a man of a thousand faces. Loid: Becoming exactly the person my target wants me to be is mere child's play. Loid: Behold! Yor: I haven't the slightest clue as to who this gentleman is, Yor: but everything should be fine as long as I do what Loid is doing. Anya: Baldy head! Henderson: S-So elegant! Henderson: How very elegant! Henderson: Who is that family? Instructor D: K-. They are the Forgers, sir. Instructor D: Their daughter Anya just barely passed the written exam with a score of . Henderson: Absolutely not elegant! And such awful penmanship! Henderson: So the father has remarried? Instructor B: Might they be an impromptu family for admission purposes? Henderson: I am not certain. We must investigate. Henderson: We must ascertain whether or not they have true elegance. Instructor E: We'll confirm your admission numbers here. Instructor F: G-. Please go to Hall . Instructor F: Ah, A-. Please enter Hall . Loid: I see they're wasting no time with the screening. Instructor F: K-. Please head to Hall . Loid: We're still being observed. Don't let your guard down. Yor: It's so nerve-racking being watched like this... Anya: I need to pick my nose. Loid: Absolutely not. Boy: Oh, no! Boy: I've accidentally fallen into the gutter, and I can't get out! Loid: Uh... That's too blatant if they're trying to test us. Boy: Oh, no. Whatever shall I do? Loid: Perhaps they're thinking he might be a thr*at, Boy: Ah, I don't know what I should do. Loid: but no one is trying to go near him. Boy: Who knew there'd be a gutter here? Loid: But if he is part of the test, we must deal with this accordingly. Boy: I'm so shocked. I'm really stuck. Anya: Papa! Mama! There is someone who needs our help, please! Anya: Let us save him! Loid: Are you all right, lad? Boy: Oh, no! I've slipped and I cannot get up! Boy Internal: This is all for merits... More merits! Henderson: Precisely. Henderson: You're heading to an interview. You wouldn't dare sully your clothes with sewage. Henderson: Now, how will you elegantly get through— Loid: Are you hurt? Anya: Use my hanky, please. Loid: Make sure you go to the infirmary, just in case. Henderson: Clearly, I expected too much. Henderson: In the end, they were just some commoners from the countryside. Henderson: Do not think for a second that you can Henderson: set foot in our house of learning wearing soiled clothes. Henderson: Throw K- out immediately. Boy: Oh, no... These people are going to fail because of me. Boy: Um, I'm so sorr— Yor: Thank goodness we anticipated this, Yor: and prepared a change of clothes just in case! Henderson: Who in the world would ever anticipate that?! Yor: Besides, your grey suit seems to fit the attire at this school more. Loid: If I had continued wearing my previous suit, Loid: we would've been mistaken for commoners from the countryside. Loid: Thank you for giving us the opportunity to change, lad. Henderson: On top of everything else, they even thanked the boy! Henderson: Brilliant... So smart, and elegant! Henderson: Curse you and your cunning, Loid Forger. Instructor B: Housemaster, we are supposed to be testing the child. Henderson: Silence! Henderson: Children learn from their parents' example! Henderson: Yes. The parents of a child who scores points must also be only worth points! Henderson: I'll make you reveal your true identity yet! Man: Oh, no! Man: The animals have escaped the farmhouse! Loid: You're really going this far, Eden College?! Mob : Hey, don't push me! Mob : Just go, you moron! Mob : Mommy! Mommy, Mommy! Mob : Shut up! Loid: Are they trying to see if we reveal our true selves in an emergency? Loid: We'll be playing right into the examiners' hands if we panic. Loid: Do not break Formation D. Loid: We will show these animals nothing but benevolence! Henderson: Hey. Henderson: Who told you to go that far? Instructor D: Wait... Instructor D: It wasn't you, Housemaster? Henderson: Impossible! Is this... Henderson: an actual accident?! Henderson: There are some very important people among the examinees! Henderson: Go stop this mess before they're hurt! Vice Minister: I'm the Vice Minister of the Ministry of Finance! Banker: Hell if I care! I'm the CEO of the Central Bank! Child A: Wait! Father! Vice Minister: Well done, you! Loid: Are you all right? Yor: Loid! Yor: It's happening to Miss Anya again. Loid: The mass panic must've h*t her. Loid: The test is the last thing I need to worry about now. Loid: That must be the leader of this herd. Loid: That's the one I need to s but I'll have to use my g*n— Loid: No... Yor: Please look after Miss Anya for a moment. Loid: Yor? Yor: I-It's not what you think! Yor: I once learned about pressure points that can stop one's movements in a yoga class! Yor: I-I figured they might work on cows, too! Yor: Please don't look at me like that! Anya: Ms. Cow? Anya: Is she scared? Loid: That's dangerous, Anya! Anya: S'okay, please. Don't be scared. Loid: What are you— Anya: They're gonna go home now. Loid: Apparently so. Loid: Thankfully, no one was hurt. Henderson: E-Ele... Henderson: Ele-le... Ele-le-le-le... Henderson: Elegance! Instructor B: Housemaster? Henderson: Forger! Loid: He's... Loid: one of the housemasters. Loid: Is he in charge of this exam? Henderson: Y-You helped us avoid a crisis. I thank you. Henderson: And... you have bested me for today. Henderson: To give us all time to collect ourselves after this chaos, Henderson: we will be delaying the start of the interviews. Henderson: Return to your hall once you've had a moment to tidy yourselves. Henderson: Your family has the right to apply to our school. Loid: Sir... Loid: It looks like we've avoided failure. Loid: I humbly thank you for your generosity. Loid: But have no fear. Loid: We anticipated something like this... Loid: and prepared another change of clothes. Henderson: This isn't about elegance anymore! These people are just scary! Narrator: The Forgers successfully make it to the actual interview. Swan: You truly thought you could apply to our school without even knowing that? Child B: Huh? Swan: Well? Cat got your tongue? Child B: Huh? Child B: Um, uh... Father D: Thank you very much. Father D: What kind of answer was that?! Loid: I've been a spy for over a decade, Loid: and for the first time... Loid: I'm actually nervous. Loid: Even when I infiltrated the ranks of an evil t*rror1st group, Loid: or when I managed to stop the launch of a m*ssile with one second remaining... Loid: I never found it so hard to breathe as I do right now. Loid: The fear of letting someone else decide my success or failure... Instructor G: Next, the Forgers. Anya: Yep! Loid and Yor: Yes, sir. Loid: Yes, this is definitely going to be... Loid: the most crucial moment of Operation Strix! Evans: Please, have a seat. Loid: Thank you for having us. Henderson: So you've come, Forgers. Loid: The Forgers shall prevail in this game of information warfare. Evans: First, we will begin by asking the parents a few questions. Walter Evans Housemaster of Dorm Subject Taught: English Personality: Mild-mannered • Sincere • Conservative Loid: The housemaster of Dorm , Malcom Hall. Loid: Mild-mannered, sincere, and conservative. Loid: The students are very fond of him. Loid: As long as we respond with sincere, logical answers, Loid: we'll score highly with him. Evans: I was informed that this is your second wife. May I ask how you two met? Loid: I see we're getting straight to the point. Loid: Eden College does prioritize family values, after all. Loid: I met my wife at the tailor shop that handles this school's uniforms, Loid: and I was in awe of her grace. Loid: Ever since I lost my first wife, Loid: I was hesitant to pursue another relationship because of my daughter. Loid: But the more we spoke, the more I felt that she was a kindred spirit. Loid: She is truly kind and cares dearly about family. Loid: I came to the conclusion that she'd get along well with my daughter. Evans: Ah... And what about you, Madam? Yor: Well... Yor: L-Loid is a wonderful person who truly cares for his daughter. Yor: He's also very considerate of me. Evans: Ah, I'm happy to hear that you have such a loving family. Swan: Why would a beautiful girl like you choose to be with a man who's got baggage? Henderson: That was rather uncouth, Master Swan. Murdoch Swan Housemaster of Dorm <Cline Hall> Subject Taught: Economics Personality: Arrogant • Greedy • Callous Loid: The housemaster of Dorm , Cline Hall. Loid: He's the only son of the former headmaster, and a legacy hire. Loid: Arrogant, greedy, and callous. Loid: His wife filed for divorce last month, Loid: and he just lost custody of his daughter, as well. Loid: Reviewing all of his previous interview questions and comments, Loid: he is clearly jealous of other families, and takes out his frustrations on them. Loid: It's best that we avoid provoking him. Evans: Now for our next question. Evans: Could you tell us why you chose to apply to our school? Loid: For only one reason, sir. Loid Internal: To get close to my target, Desmond! Loid: The quality of the instructors at this establishment is superior. Loid: Of course, you are all very knowledgeable and cultured, Loid: but when it comes to teaching anything, from patriotism to how to be an elite, Loid: the instructors of the prestigious Eden College Loid: are second to none. Henry Henderson Housemaster of Dorm <Cecil Hall> Subject Taught: History Personality: Elegant Henderson: Elegantly done, Loid Forger. Henderson: I knew I saw potential in you. Evans: Now then, how would the two of you describe your daughter? Evans: Please let us know about her strengths and weaknesses. Loid: Anya is an extremely curious child. Loid: Her habit of sticking her nose where it doesn't belong could be seen as a weakness, Loid: but she is a truly intelligent child. Henderson: Intelligent?! Her?! Anya: Shock! Loid: Sometimes, it's like she sees right through me, Anya: Yikes... Loid: which keeps me on my feet. Loid: I would say her main shortcoming is that she's a picky eater. Evan: Ah... And how would you describe your parenting style, Madam? Yor: Just like we practiced... Yor: As you already know, I am not her biological mother. Yor: At first, I spoiled her quite often in hopes that she would like me. Yor: But for the sake of her future, I'm hoping I can become a bit stricter at times. Evans: We've been told that your daughter is a picky eater. Evans: What kind of meals do you cook at home? Yor: Huh? C-Cook? Yor: Um... Loid: I actually do most of the cooking. Loid: Though when I'm busy, my wife is kind enough to cook for me. Loid: Not that that's happened even once yet. Swan: You're joking! What kind of wife can't cook for her husband?! Swan: You should probably be stricter with yourself before you worry about that child. Loid: Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Loid: She is extremely tidy and excels at keeping our house spotless. Loid: She is also an excellent mother to my daughter. Swan: Yes, well, both of those are things women are expected to do. Loid: That's— Yor: I-It's all right, Loid. Evans: Now, now... Loid: Yes. Calm down. Loid: Why are you getting irritated, Twilight? Loid: She's not even your real wife. Swan: A lovey-dovey hot couple? You make me sick. Swan: I'll keep jabbing at you until you slip up. Swan: If I can't make sure these two fail, there's clearly no justice in this world. Anya: He doesn't like Papa and Mama! Anya: I need to do my best! Evans: N-Next, let's ask the young lady some questions. Loid: Here it comes. Evans: First, could you tell us your name and address? Anya: My name is Anya Holger! Anya: My address is in... Berlint, West District... Anya: Park... Avenue! Evans: And what do you do on your days off, young lady? Anya: We go to moozeums... Anya: and eat operas... Loid: Good. These were questions we anticipated. Evans: What would you like to do once you get into this school? Anya: Um, uh... Anya: What was I supposed to say? Loid: In my case, I first need to participate in a social gathering, Loid: and get to the bottom of what the boss of the enemy organization, Desmond, is planning. Anya: I-I want to find out what the boss of the organization is planning! Loid: What in the world are you saying?! Hello?! Evans: The boss of the organization? Maybe you meant the headmaster. Loid: I do apologize. My daughter is rather ambitious. Loid: She's extremely curious about the headmaster, since he's clearly made it to the top. Henderson: Oho... Henderson: The desire to learn from her predecessors at such an early age... Henderson: That's quite elegant. Henderson: Do you happen to know the name of the principal, young lady? Anya: Um, B-Be... Loid: Yes. Benedict Ivan Goodfellow. Anya: Mr. Benedick Advent Goodheller. Henderson: Hmm... Then, Henderson: could you tell us how hard you would have to work in order to succeed like him? Anya: Yes. Like getting through the jungle with no supplies, Anya: and dancing with death over and over to get brave! Loid: That was the training montage the protagonist of her spy cartoon did yesterday. Henderson: S-Such incredible resolve! Henderson: It appears as though I have underestimated this young lady. Evans: I don't think you have to do quite that much. Evans: Let's change the subject. What does your father do for a living? Anya: He's a sp—a speshulist in mental health. A very good one. Evans: Hm? Are you a little stuffed up? Evans: Then how do you feel about your new mother? Anya: She is very nice. Anya: But she's scary sometimes. Evans: If you were to give your parents a score, what might that be? Anya: A perfect points. Anya: My Papa and Mama are both so much fun, and I love them very much. Anya: I want to be with them forever. Swan: Tch. God, no one needs this rubbish. Swan: In that case, would you score your old mother or your new mother higher? Evans: Come now, Master Swan... Swan: Is there a problem? Loid: May I respectfully request a different question? Swan: Absolutely not. If you do not answer, you will lose points. Loid: I don't know exactly how she ended up in that orphanage, Loid: but her actual parents are probably already... Anya: Ma...ma... Loid: Anya... Anya: Mama... Swan: I see, I see. Swan: So you do prefer your old mother. Yor: This is too cruel! Loid: Please calm down, Yor. Yor: But this is just— Loid: We need to remain calm for the sake of this mission. Swan: We have plenty of students here who live away from their parents in our dorms. Swan: If she's going to cry over every little trifling thing, Swan: she'll never survive at our establishment! Loid: So what if he's being slanderous? Loid: We are nothing more than a pretend family. Yor: Trifling? You call this trifling? Loid: This is nothing. Swan: Now, now, Mrs. Second Wife. Swan: Don't snap at me just because she loves her real mother more. Swan: Oh, I feel so much better. Loid: Restrain yourself... Loid: Twilight! Loid: I do beg your pardon. Loid: There was a mosquito. Loid: Thank you very much for your time today. Swan: Hey, where are you going?! Swan: The interview's not over yet! Loid: If making light of a child's feelings is part of your establishment's educational policies, Loid: then I'm afraid we have chosen the wrong school. Swan: You fiend! You dare disgrace our fine school?! Loid: Come now, you two. Loid: Please excuse us. Swan: Don't think you'll ever walk through our gates again! Henderson: That's quite enough, Master Swan. Swan: Are you taking issue with my methods? Swan: He may be the former headmaster, Evans: Now, now... Swan: but my father's influence within this school is still strong. Swan: It'd be wise for you to watch that mouth of yours. Swan: Hey! Hurry up and call the next one in! Loid: ...the instructors of the prestigious Eden College flashback Loid: are second to none. Henderson: If all I can do is curry favor with the authorities, Henderson: I have no right to call myself an educator. Henderson: I must ask, who truly disgraced our school? Swan: Huh?! Evans: Wha— Henderson: Hmm... Henderson: That was rather elegant, if I do say so myself. Henderson: Now, will you be able to face the instructors at Eden head-on, Henderson: Forgers? Loid: Yeah... We definitely failed. Yor: I-I'll go make us some tea. Loid: I've failed yet again as a spy. Loid: I let unnecessary feelings get in the way of the mission. Anya: Papa... Anya: I'm sorry. Anya: I'm so sorry that I couldn't do better Anya: on my tests. Loid: It's all right, Anya. You have no reason to apologize. Loid: You don't want to go to a school like that, do you? Anya: But I want to go to school... Loid: Huh? Anya Internal: If this mission fails... Anya: I have to go to school or... Anya Internal: ...we won't be together anymore. Loid: Anya... Yor: If she fails, of course, our life here together will be... Yor: But that doesn't matter. Yor: I'm just worried how this may affect my work. Loid: Hmm... But to be honest, Loid: Hell will freeze over before you pass. Anya: Shock! Yor: I-I'm sure everything will be okay! Yor: It'll all work out! Anya: The grandpa with the glasses and the grandpa with the half-glasses Anya: were really nice! Yor: Yes, exactly! Yor: I'm sure they'll vouch for us! Let's believe in them. Loid: Spies don't believe in anyone other than themselves. Loid: They always expect the worst-case scenarios and prepare for them. Anya: I want to be with them forever. Loid: But... Maybe just a little bit... Loid: Yes. Let's leave the result to fate, Loid: and try to recover from how exhausting that exam was. Loid: Right now, just for a little bit... Loid: To our family's bright future! Anya: Something just fell! Yor: Our family portrait fell to the floor. Loid: It just fell... Narrator: What will become Narrator: of their mission? WILL THEY PASS OR FAIL

{"type": "series", "show": "Spy \u00d7 Family", "episode": "01x04 - The Prestigious School's Interview"}

foreverdreaming

Female Member: Today is the day. Chief: Hm? For what? Female Member: You have to ask? Female member: It's the day Eden College announces the admissions results. Female Member: The results should be posted at hours today. Loid: This is more nerve-racking than I thought it'd be. Yor: My bracelet just broke. Why did it have to happen today? Loid: Oh, I'm sure it's just a coincidence. Yor: L-Loid, look. Loid: Oh, come on, Yor. Black cats being unlucky is just a superstition. Yor: Y-You're right. Anya: Papa... Loid: What's the matter? Anya: I just stepped in poop. Chief: Admissions results for Eden College? Chief: Ah, the thing we've got Agent Twilight doing. Female Member: Chief, peace between the East and West hangs on Operation Strix. Female Member: Please take this more seriously. Chief: You don't know Twilight very well, do you? Female Member: C-Correct, sir. Caption: Underwear: Chief: He might just be the best spy in all of Westalis, so don't worry so much. Chief: He'll be telling us that "the sakura blossoms bloom" soon enough. Female Member: What does that mean, sir? Chief: It's a code phrase from the Far East. Chief: It means they passed. Loid: It's not there. Sign: WILL THEY PASS OR FAIL? Yor: We failed... Loid: We failed... Anya: We failed. Loid: L-Let's head home. Yor: I-I'll make us some tea. Anya: I'm sorry... It's all because I stepped in poop. Henderson: A moment, Forgers. Loid: Master Henderson... Loid: What is this? Henderson: Look at the very top. Loid: Anya Forger... Henderson: That is the waiting list of successful applicants, though rather confidential. Loid: A waiting list? Henderson: Correct. Once her overall scores were tallied, Henderson: Anya Forger placed first on that waiting list. Henderson: If any of the current successful applicants were to withdraw, Henderson: she'll immediately get into the school. Loid: B-But after what we did... Henderson: Do you know what the number one k*ller of our species on this planet is? Loid: Huh? Henderson: It is the mosquito! Henderson: Yes. You saved Master Swan from that brutal k*ller back there. Henderson: That brought your score up tremendously. Loid: That's insane. Henderson: Stand proud, Forger. Henderson: Your family is worthy of our school. Yor: So if even one person withdraws, Miss Anya will get in? Henderson: Correct. Yor: But if no one withdraws... Henderson: Now, about that... Zachry Feiss: Th-The Thorn Princess? Zachry Feiss: What are you doing here? Yor: Secretary Zachry Feiss, I presume? Yor: If it's not too much trouble, I will be taking your life. Zachry Feiss: Please, no! Spare me! Zachry Feiss: I have a son who's just about to turn six! Zachry Feiss: He'll be starting at Eden College next month! Zachry Feiss: If I die, he won't be able to go to school! Yor: I'm terribly sorry, but that's exactly why I'm doing this. Zachry Feiss: Huh?! Yor: For the sake of Miss Anya getting into the school... Yor: I need you to die! Yor: You mustn't, Yor! Yor: You mustn't take the life of an innocent person, Yor! Loid: Yor? Yor: Oh, it's nothing. Yor: I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Zachry Feiss. Henderson: Well, no matter. Henderson: There are a few that withdraw every year. Henderson: Make sure you are properly prepared for the eventuality. Loid: Thank you very much, Master Henderson. Henderson: I must warn you that I may not be teaching here by the time you arrive. Loid: What? Henderson: I was forced to give that swine a good thrashing. Henderson: I was able to protect Eden's honor, but who know what ramifications await me? Loid: That foolish man and this instructor... Loid: I'm not sure which one will be more useful to me in my mission, Loid: but if that fool stands in my way, I have plenty of ways to destroy him. Loid: Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Henderson: I appreciate the attempt at consolation, my elegant boy. Henderson: Just await that call at home. Sign: Days Later Anya: Anya will be accepted... Anya will be accepted... Anya: Anya will be accepted... Anya will be accepted... Loid: What in the world is she doing? Yor: Apparently, she's performing a prayer dance to help her get accepted. Anya: Anya will be accepted... Loid: Oh... I see. Anya: Kieeeeeeeh! Loid: Hello, Forger residence. Loid: Yes. Loid: Yes. Loid: Goodbye. Loid: Anya got in! Anya: Papa! I passed! Loid: You did a great job, Anya! Anya: I did it! Yor: Oh, thank goodness! What wonderful news! Yor: I'm so happy! Loid: Thank you for all you did as well, Yor. Franky: Heya. I heard she got in. Franky: Time to celebrate! Loid: You sure found out fast. Franky: Never underestimate an informant. Franky: Oh, you must be the missus. Pleasure to meet you! Franky: I'm Loid's friend, Franky! Yor: Hello. Anya: Scruffy-scruff! Franky: Let's get this party started! I got some booze, and I ordered delivery! Loid: Who do you think you are? Franky: This is all thanks to me stealing the answer sheet. Loid: You idiot! They'll hear you! Yor: Huh? Wha wuz zat? Franky: Are you even drinking, you party pooper? Loid: Leave me be. Franky: Isn't it great, Anya? Franky: Daddy said he'll buy you anything as a reward just for today! Loid: Hey! Don't go promising her things like that! Anya: I don't want you to buy me anything, but I wanna do something! Loid: Hm? What's that? Loid: I don't mind as long as it's doable. Princess Honey: Save me, Bondman! Commander (TV): Good morning, Bondman. Commander (TV): Your mission today is to save the kidnapped Princess Honey, Commander (TV): and take her back the castle. Bondman: Wait for me, Princess Honey! TV Narrator: The kingdom's best spy infiltrates the castle... TV Narrator: Bondman! TV Narrator: Taking down any enemy that stands in his way, TV Narrator: he finally makes it to the princess. Bondman: I'm here to save you, Princess Honey! Princess Honey: Bondman! TV Narrator: Peace was restored to the castle, and their love continued to grow. Anya: This is what I wanna do. Loid: What you wanna do? Wait, you mean... Anya: I wanna play "save Anya from the castle"! Loid: Nope. Not happening. Franky: How cruel... You meanie! Franky: I'm not going to school if you don't do this! Loid: No one asked you to speak for her. Franky: Oh, hey. I'm pretty sure that's Newston Castle. Franky: I heard it was recently remodeled into some cartoon's theme park, Franky: but that's definitely it. Franky: It's got the same kinds of tricks and traps seen in the show, Franky: and you can even rent it out. Franky: The government doesn't have any eyes over there, Loidy Boy, Franky: so it wouldn't hurt to have a little bit of fun. Loid: But... Franky: After everything she went through to pass, too. Franky: Doesn't seem fair if you can't get some kind of reward, huh, kiddo? Anya: Sniffle, sniffle... Anya: Sniffle, sniffle. Anya: Sniffle... Loid: All right, fine. Franky: Right, then! Let's strike while the iron's hot! Franky: Leave the castle reservation to me. You're in charge of our ride! Loid: Wha?! You expect us to go today? Loid: And you want me to arrange this? Franky: Well, of course! It's for your daughter! Comms Engineer: We have a message from Twilight. Comms Engineer: Code GO. Female Member: He did it. Female Member: "The sakura blossoms bloom." Comms Engineer: Another message from Twilight. Female Member: What is it? Comms Engineer: How shall I reply? Chief: He might just be the best spy in all of Westalis... Female Member: Get him what he needs at once! Comms Engineer: Yes, ma'am! Comms Engineer: To Falcon in the Rhynnick region. Comms Engineer: Emergency operation from Twilight. Falcon: Falcon here. Roger the emergency operation from Twilight, over. Loid: " hours... Meet downstream on the Nein River in the Rhynnick region." Loid: They sure didn't waste any time. Franky: Believe it or not, this castle can do this, too! Anya: I'm gonna make a quiz! Franky: Hey, great idea! Franky: You seriously came through! Anya: Anya's never been on a plane before! It's so exciting! Franky: Nice, nice, nice! Loid: There we go. Anya: Does Anya look cool? Loid: Yes, you do. Yor: Loid! Where did you get this li'l plane? Yor: It's amazing! Loid: Oh, some wonderful coworkers of mine are letting me borrow it. Yor: Fank you for always looking after my husband. Loid: You all have your seatbelts on? Here we go. Franky and Anya: Let's go! Anya: I'm so excited! Franky: Yahoo! Yor: Oh, it's so pretty. Yor: It looks like a tweasure chest. Anya: Papa, you're amazing! Franky: Look! There it is! Franky: Holy crap! Anya: The castle's so cool! Loid: Hey, settle down! Loid: We're about to land. Make sure you're properly seated. Anya: We're in a castle! Loid: You don't need to go running around with her! Yor: This is wonderful. Loid: What's the matter? Anya: Something's not right. Loid: What do you mean by that? Anya: Can you truly call a castle with no enemies or servants Anya: a castle? Anya: I'm sad. Anya: I don't think I can go to school now. Franky: I know, right? I can't blame ya, little missy. Franky: Daddy better step up his game. Comms Engineer: We have a report from Twilight. Comms Engineer: He's requesting agents. Comms Engineer: As many as possible. Female Member: This will be a true test for WISE. Comms Engineer: To all agents in Ostania. Comms Engineer: Report to Newston Castle for an emergency operation. Comms Engineer: This is an extremely important assignment regarding Operation Strix. Comms Engineer: Mission rank is over SS. Comms Engineer: I repeat: this is an extremely important assignment regarding Operation Strix. Comms Engineer: Mission rank is over SS! Agent : That's the real Twilight... Agent : I gotta get his autograph later. Franky: Look at your agency coming through for you. Franky: Well, give them the rundown. Franky: I'll explain the rest. Loid: All right, fine. Loid: Thank you very much for gathering here today on behalf of my daughter. Agent : Morse code. Agent : "Just listen quietly." Agent : Orders from Twilight! Loid: I would like for all of you to play the part of the enemies This assignment is an imperative part of Operation Strix, and you do not to need to inquire further about it Loid: of a spy who is coming to save a princess. Agent : I have absolutely no idea what's going on... Agent : But this is Twilight we're talking about. I'm sure this is all according to plan. Sign: This man will explain the details. Follow his orders from now on Loid: Thank you again for doing this for my daughter. Franky: All right! Let's announce the cast! Franky: Here's our star for today! Franky: Princess Anya! Anya: This is the spy person who's gonna save me! Anya: Loidman! Anya: And the big bad boss! Franky: Scruffy! Anya: Count Scruffy Head! Anya: And Mama... um... Anya: can be whatever. Yor: Shock! Franky: And now... Franky: to the very capable subordinates of Count Scruffy Head! Franky: I need you all to put on your best performances Franky: and get in Loidman's way as much as possible! Loid: Uh... wait... Agent : This mission ranking is over SS. Agent : I'll make any sacrifice necessary to see this mission through! Agent : I couldn't ask for a better opponent than Twilight! Agent : This day has finally come... Franky: You can all decide for yourselves how you're going to get in Loidman's way. Franky: I am not exaggerating when I say the success of this plan is in your hands! Loid: Uh... Where is this going? Franky: My loyal minions! Franky: Make Loidman suffer as much as possible for Princess Anya's sake! Franky: Once you're all prepared, get to your positions! Agents: Roger! Franky: Scruffy, scruffy, scruffy, scruff! Princess Anya is mine! Franky: If you want her back, come after me! Anya: Save me, Loidman. Loid: Wait, it's already started?! Anya: Hey! Franky: Loidman! You are about to face many obstacles in order to get the princess back! Franky: First up, Franky: we have a quiz that the princess made up in this courtyard, so listen up! Franky: If you can't answer correctly, you'll be putting that on! Loid: This is... Franky: You betcha! A Bondman costume set! Anya: So exciting! Franky: Okay, question time! Franky: What does Princess Anya like about Bondman?! Loid: Huh? His face? Anya: Bzzz! The fact that he has a p*stol with a sil*ncer! Loid: What? Really?! Franky: Oh, come on! You're her dad and you don't even know that? Loid: Next question! Franky: What's Anya's favorite food? Loid: Peanuts! Anya: Ooh! Correct! Franky: Tch. Guess that was too easy. Franky: Here's the final question! Franky: If you get it wrong, you'll be changing into that outfit, Loidman! Loid: That's if I don't get it. Franky: Here's your question, then. Franky: What does Anya want right now? Loid: What does she want right now? Franky: Five! Four! Loid: You didn't say anything about a time limit! Franky: I never said there wouldn't be one, either. Loid: Calm down. What does Anya want right now? Loid: What does she want... Loid: Bondman's spy gear! Franky: What's the correct answer, Princess Anya?! Anya: Right now... Anya: I'm thirsty, so I'd like some water, please! Franky: Looks like you're wrong, Loidman! Loid: How the hell would I know that?! Franky: Scruffy, scruffy, scruffy, scruff! Franky: Too bad for you, Loidman! Franky: Now, let's have you keep your word! Anya: I'm so excited... Anya: to see the real Loidman! Anya: Loidman! Franky: All right, then! On to the next stage! Loid: Hey, wait! Anya: Loidman! Franky: If you want to save Princess Anya, you'll have to make your way up here! Franky: Scruffy, scruffy, scruffy, scruff! Agent : He's so cool! Agent : He's just so amazing... Anya: You're so cool, Loidman! Franky: We're just getting started, scruff! Anya: Oh, no. Save me. Loid: God, this is pain. Anya: Loidman! Up here, up here! Anya: I'm right here! Loid: There's no end to this. Anya: This is so cool! Franky: You've got this, my minions! Don't let him win! Franky: Loid! Let them h*t you, damn it! Franky: Now you've done it, you bastard! Franky: Don't think you're gonna catch us that easily! Franky: Buh-bye! Anya: Save me, Loidman. Anya: You're so amazing, Loidman! Franky: Scruffy, scruffy, scruffy, scruff! I'm impressed you got this far, Loidman! Franky: But I won't let you have the princess! Anya: Save me, Loidman! Loid: Are you seriously telling me I have to act out this embarrassing Loid: little play in front of all of these agents? Loid: But in the end... this is for the mission! Loid: H... Hand over the princess. Agents: Ooh! Agent : I can't believe we get to see Twilight's acting skills in person! Franky: You fool! You think I'd hand her over that easily?! Franky: Now, go! The most powerful witch in the world, Yorticia! Franky: Finish off that fool, scruff! Loid: Now there's a witch?! Loid: What the hell is going on in this story? Loid: Huh? Loid: Wai—no way. What?! Yor: Anyone who tries to kidnap Miss Anya... Yor: will not get away alive! Loid: Y-Yor, please calm down. Loid: Why is she using physical att*cks when she's a witch? Loid: She's strong! Loid: She's gonna k*ll me! Loid: Yor... Are you all right? Franky: Scruffy, scruffy, scruffy, scruff! Franky: Excellent work getting this far, Loidman! Franky: But you won't defeat me that easil— Anya: So exciting! Loid: I... I've come to save you, Princess Anya. Anya: Papa! Loid: Wait... I'm supposed to be your dad in this? Anya: So sparkly! Agent : Congratulations, Anya! Franky: Anya... Franky: Congratulations... Loid: What is this? Anya: I've had so much excitement ever since I left the orphanage! Anya: It's all thanks to you, Papa! Loid: Hm? Oh... I'm happy for you. Anya: I'm gonna do my best in school! Loid: That's good. Loid: Well, anyway... congratulations on getting into the school. Female member: Sir, the expense report from Agent Twilight. Chief: Are these numbers real? Female member: Yes, they are. Chief: But... Female member: They are correct. Sign: Mission Report Sign: Operation Strix Sign: Phase : School Admission achieved Sign: THE FRIENDSHIP SCHEME

{"type": "series", "show": "Spy \u00d7 Family", "episode": "01x05 - Will They Pass or Fail"}

foreverdreaming

Exclusive Seller of Eden Academy Uniforms Proprietress: And... .. Anya: I'm two millimeters bigger than last time! Loid: I'm sure it's just an error. Proprietress: You never know. Kids grow up so quickly. Yor: Indeed. Loid: Well, with that in mind, we should probably have your uniform made a little bigger. Proprietress: But it was quite a shock to hear that you were suddenly married, Yor. Proprietress: You should have told me the last time you were here! Yor: I'm, er, sorry about the other day. Proprietress: And to think that your lovely daughter is going to the prestigious Eden College. Proprietress: Congratulations. Anya: Fank you very much. Proprietress: Are you an Eden College alum? Loid: Oh, no. I went to an insignificant little school out in the country. Proprietress: Oh, then do be careful. Proprietress: There's something of a wall between parents who are Eden alumni and those who aren't. Proprietress: Apparently this causes discrimination and bullying among the children, too. Proprietress: Oh, and hazing from the honor students, Proprietress: and conflict between the dorm kids and commuters. Proprietress: Speaking of, I hear that kidnappings of commuter kids are on the rise. Proprietress: It's not surprising, considering most of the kids who can attend Eden are rich. Anya: I don't wanna go to school anymore. Proprietress: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Proprietress: Don't worry. There are plenty of fun things about it, too. Proprietress: Okay, all done with your measurements. Proprietress: Let's see, you'll be getting one uniform, Proprietress: plus a winter coat, a vest, and a sweater, for three additional items. Proprietress: You're a regular here, so I'll get those done immediately. Proprietress: Oh, you'll be able to get everything else you need from the shop on the corner. Loid: This is going to cost more than I thought. Loid: What's the matter? Anya: I am in fear that I will be kidnapped. Loid: Oh, I see. You sure didn't waste any time. Loid: Yor, is it all right if we eat out today? Yor: Yes, of course. Anya: Are there any kidnappers at the restaurant? Waiter: Here's our special for the day. Waiter: Pork sauté in pawpaw sauce with porcini mushrooms and potato potage. Anya: Po? Loid: Looks delicious. Loid: Must be cipher P. Loid: Ah, a notice about my briefing. Loid: It'll be in five days at hours at safe house D. Loid: Understood. Loid: But I really need to ask them to stop using this notification method. Loid: There's something unpleasant about it. Days Later Loid: Hello? Loid: Oh, yes, hi. Loid: What? It's done already? Loid: All right. We'll come pick up the order today. Loid: Thank you. Anya: Is the uniform done? Loid: Sounds like it. Loid: But I have my briefing today. Loid: I'm sorry to trouble you, Yor, Loid: but could you go pick it up with Anya for me? Loid: I got called into work. Yor: Of course. You can count on me. Loid: I might not get home until late, so you can go ahead and get delivery for dinner. Yor: All right. Anya: Have a knees day. WISE HandlerSylvia Sherwood Alias: Handler Handler: Good day... or perhaps good evening, Agent Twilight. Loid: Hello, Handler. What's this about? Handler: Before we get into that... Handler: What in the world were all those expenses the other day?! Handler: A castle rental fee, and rental fees for furniture to go in said castle?! Handler: You think we're made of money?! Loid: Oh, here's a couple more bills, actually. Loid: Going to school is apparently very expensive. Handler: I have to admire the balls it takes to just casually hand me more bills. Loid: Well, they're all necessary expenses. Handler: Very well. Anyway... Handler: I'm here today to brief you on phase of Operation Strix. Handler: Though you're usually on the ball, so that may not be necessary. Loid: Well... I may actually be off my game lately. Handler: Phase requires a social gathering. Handler: Before we get into the details, let's review how Eden works. Handler: Eden College. Handler: There are around , students Handler: ranging from the ages of six to nineteen, and the curriculum covers all thirteen years. Handler: Academics, sports, the arts... Handler: They offer a top-class education in every field. Handler: The students who manage to shine brighter than their fellow elites Handler: are the honor students known as the Imperial Scholars. Handler: The social gathering that Desmond attends Handler: is only open to those Imperial Scholars and their parents. Handler: In order to become an Imperial Scholar, Handler: a student must earn eight merits known as "Stella." Handler: Stella Stars are awarded for exceptional grades and contributions to society. Handler: Which means, first, you need to raise your daughter into an honor student. Handler: You may use underhanded means if necessary. Handler: On the other hand, Handler: poor grades and bad behavior will result in demerits called Tonitrus Bolts. Handler: When a student receives eight of those, they will be immediately expelled, Handler: so be aware of that. Handler: Now, let's work out the finer details. Loid: Turning that child into a honor student... Loid: Hello, anxiety, my old friend. Anya: Do I look cute in my uniform? Yor: Oh, you look absolutely adorable! Yor: Let's go to the portrait studio later! Anya: Ta-da! Anya: Do I look cute? Yor: Oh, you look absolutely adorable! Proprietress: Could you leave already? How many times are you gonna say that? Anya: I wanna go on an ooting in this! Yor: Yes, let's do that! Proprietress: Thanks much. Anya: Doot, do! Doot, do! Doot, do! Yor: Why don't we stop by the park? Anya: This is my uniform. Ta-da! Anya: I am wearing my uniform. Ta-da! Mother A: My, your daughter's adorable. Mother B: She goes to Eden? I'm so jealous. Yor: Oh... Hello. Mother B's child: Mom, I'm hungry. Mother A: And what would you like for dinner? Mother A's child: Hamburg steak! Swan: So you do prefer your old mother. Anya: I want to be with them forever. Yor: I know that we're just a pretend family. Yor: But... Yor: Maybe I could be more of a mother to her. Anya: Mama! Anya: I just showed everyone how cute I am! Yor: Make sure you don't dirty your uniform before you go to school. Yor: Say, Miss Anya. Why don't we stop by the supermarket on our way home? Yor: Loid said he was going to be home late, so I'll make dinner tonight. Anya: Ooh! Anya: Can you cook, Mama? Yor: Yes. I will do my very best. Thug A: Hey, is that kid from Eden? Thug B: Huh? Thug A: Is the chick next to her the mom? Thug B: She's gotta be the hired help. Thug B: No rich person's gonna go shopping themselves. Thug A: You know, I think I want an allowance. Thug B: Me, too. Yor: I'm sure I'll be able to make something if I have some meat and vegetables. Yor: I'm not sure what any of these are,so I'll just buy all of them. Anya: Ta-da! Anya: I'm going outside now. I'm bored. Yor: Oh, don't wander off too far! Thug A: Hello there, little lady. Thug B: Be a good girl for just a little bit. Thug B: Once your maid pays up, we'll let you go. Anya: Bad guys! Proprietress: Eden has bullying and kidnappings... Anya: She was right! Thug C: I heard you can even sell their uniforms for a sweet price. Thug B: Excellent. In that case, little lady, let's take your— Yor: What do you think you're doing? Thug A: Uh-oh! Looks like we're gonna have to tack on some medical bills, too. Thug A: Let's see your wallet, Miss Hired Help. Yor: I'm afraid I used up all of my cash, so I have none left. Yor: So I must ask you to leave. Thug A: I see. Then I guess we're just gonna have to strip the little lady. Thug A: You're gonna be fired anyway, Thug A: so go back to the countryside, you shitty little maid! Thug A: Sh-She destroyed that pumpkin with her bare hand?! Yor: I am that girl's mother! Yor: If you do not want to end up like that vegetable, leave at once! Anya: Mama... Yor: Are you all right? Yor: I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have let you out of my sight. Yor: There, there... Yor: And I've ruined all of the ingredients... Yor: I'm such a failure as a mother. Anya: But I love that my Mama is so strong and cool. Anya: There, there. Anya: k*ller punch, kapow! Yor: I-I'm so embarrassed! Anya: Mama! Anya: Train me, please! Yor: T-Train you? Anya: I know it's really dangerous to be an Eden student now. Anya: But it won't be as scary if I train! Anya: I can do my best at school without dying! Anya: I wanna be like you, Mama! Yor: Even if I can't be like a normal mother, Yor: I'm going to do everything I can for her. Yor: All right. Let's go straight home and start your training. Anya: Training! Loid: I'm home... Yor: Hah! Hah! Loid: What are you doing? Yor: Preparing her to go to school! Anya: Hah! Yor: Hah! Loid: Yeah... I'm filled with nothing but anxiety. Anya: Hah! Yor: Hah! Anya: Hah! Headmaster: You are truly the chosen. Headmaster: Due to your hard work, or perhaps your parents, Headmaster: you have made it to the hallowed halls of Eden. Headmaster: To our honorable new students... Headmaster: Congratulations, and welcome to our school. Headmaster: Everyone here at Eden welcomes you from the bottom of our hearts. Loid: We finally made it this far... Anya: Papa, a lot of people are wearing the same thing I am. Loid: Yes. That's what a uniform is. Loid: I still have a mountain of problems to tackle, but... Handler: Listen up, Twilight. Handler: There are requirements to attend Desmond's social gathering. Handler: The student must be an Imperial Scholar. Handler: And for that to happen, they must receive plenty of merits. Handler: Do not forget that the future of the East and West depends on this mission. Loid: Turning this child into an elite... Loid: I've mostly given up on that task. Anya: Shock! Loid: This school is already filled with the best of the best. Loid: It'll be difficult to maintain a top position. Loid: More importantly... Instructor: Next, we will announce the houses and their housemasters. Instructor: Please come forward when your name is called. Instructor: Class one: Specter Hall. Instructor: William Howard. Instructor: Theodore Russell. Instructor: Grace Fein. Instructor: Jessica Clark. Instructor: Next, we have class two: Cline Hall. Anya: I wonder what class I'm gonna be in. Loid: Who knows? Instructor: Lucy Garrett. Loid: Actually... I do. Loid: Because I changed parts of the lineups to help with my mission. Instructor: Class three: Cecile Hall. Instructor: Alice Paulette. Loid: To ensure that Anya... Instructor: Edward Perkshire. Instructor: Damian Desmond. Loid: would be in the same class as him. Loid: The second son of my target, Donovan Desmond... Loid: Damian. Damian: That's Lord Damian to you. Loid: He got into Eden just like his older brother. Loid: I've had my eye on him ever since I saw his name on the list of students applying. Instructor: Jesse Capel. Loid: If plan A to get Anya to become an Imperial Scholar proves too difficult, Loid: we'll go to plan B. Loid: I call it... the Friendship Scheme. THE FRIENDSHIP SCHEME Loid: Step one: be in the same class as him and become friends. Loid: Step two: be invited to his house and bring me along. Come over! Loid: Step three: direct contact with the target! Welcome Thank you Loid: I'm sure it won't actually go that easily, Loid: but the more insurance we have, the better. Instructor: Anya Forger. Loid: Go ahead. Loid: Anya must have grown up around kids her age at the orphanage for years. Loid: I'll put my faith in her communication skills. Anya: That's the evil boss's kid. Damian: What's with her? Damian: Heh, I see. Damian: She's already realized how amazing I am and fallen for me. Damian: You've got good taste, kid. Damian: Playing hard to get, I see. Cute. Instructor: Becky Blackbell. Anya: Geh... Becky: Pleasure to meet you! Loid: That's... Loid: The daughter of the CEO of the major military contractor, Blackbell. Loid: What?! And behind her is the daughter of the vice president of parliament! Loid: And among the boys, there's the son of one of the key members of the secret service! Loid: Her classmates are a treasure trove of intel! Loid: Make sure you become friends with all of them, Anya! Yor: Loid gets so worked up when it comes to his daughter. Becky: I'm Becky! What's your name? Becky: She looks like a baby. I guess I wouldn't mind taking care of her a bit. Anya: Hmph. Instructor: Those will be the students in class three. Becky: Hey! Loid: Hello?! Instructor: And you will be under the tutelage of Master Henderson. Yor: Oh, it's the nice teacher. Loid: So he didn't get fired after all. Loid: I feel it's unfair for a housemaster to have to teach new students, Loid: but I guess it could've been much worse. Henderson: I'll just have to whip these rugrats into shape like I used to. Instructor: And now, the new students will accompany their homeroom teachers on a tour of the campus, Instructor: then head to their respective classrooms. Instructor: During that time, there will be a meet and greet in Tower C's lounge for the guardians. Loid: Do your best, Anya. Loid: You'll be on your own from here on out. Anya: Okey-dokey! Henderson: You there! Stay in line! Loid: I'm so worried... Yor: It is always nerve-racking to send them off into the world. Yor: I totally understand. Henderson: This is the dining hall. Henderson: The best chefs will present you with the most elegant dishes daily. Henderson: Beyond those doors is a special dining hall reserved only for Imperial Scholars. Henderson: Anyone can become an Imperial Scholar if they achieve elegant grades and earn eight Stella. Henderson: I trust that you will all do your best. Children: Yes, sir! Henderson: However, those who fall behind Henderson: will receive Tonitrus Bolts and face punishment or expulsion, so stay on your toes. Anya: Why are you looking at me? Emile: Lord Damian's gonna be an Imperial Scholar in no time! Damian: Of course I am. Ewen: We'd expect nothing else! Damian: I mean, my father is the head of the National Unity Party. Student A: Wait, really?! Student B: Wow! Student C: My Papa says we owe a lot to the Desmond Group! Henderson: Silence! No private conversations! Becky: They're so dumb. Damian: What about you? What does your father do? Damian: If he's important enough, I'd consider letting you be my friend, too. Anya: I will stay calm for the mission. Anya: He's a sp—a feelings doctor. Damian: Hmph. So he's just a nobody. Damian: You're probably not that rich, either. Lame. Anya: I wanna go play at your house. Ewen: You moron! Know your place, uggo! Ewen: This is the problem with measly little peasants. Emile: You're gonna get your gross peasant germs on him! Scram! Anya: Now is the time for me tounleash my k*ller punch! Yor: Listen carefully, Miss Anya. Anya: Gasp! Yor: Anyone who lets their emotions control their fists Yor: does not know the meaning of true strength. Yor: If someone's just being a little mean, Yor: being able to laugh it off makes you the cooler, bigger girl. Anya: A big girl! Yor: And if you can keep a smile on your face, fights will not happen. Becky: Hey, stop being so pathetic. At least say something back. Anya: Heh. Like I care. Anya: Heh. Damian: H-How dare she smirk at me like she's mocking me?! Becky: Look at that composure! She's so mature! Amazing! Becky: I was wrong about her being a baby! Becky: You're way more grown-up than I thought. I'm impressed. Anya: I'm a grown-up? Anya: Heh. Damian: Don't get cocky, you stupid uggo! Damian: Uggo, uggo, Queen Uggo! Ewen: Lord Damian, perhaps you should broaden your vocabulary... Becky: What's your problem? Becky: Sure, she's uglier than me, but you don't have to be so mean. Damian: Shut your mouth! Henderson: You there! How many times must I warn you? Henderson: Do you want punishments on your first day? Damian: Curse you... How dare you embarrass me like that?! Damian: You'll pay for this! Anya: Mama, you liar. Smiling didn't help at all. Becky: If you don't quit it, I'm gonna tell the teacher! Damian: What? You have proof that we did it? Ewen and Emile: Yeah, yeah! Damian: Go on. Move! Damian: Hey, you smug uggo! Damian: I'm gonna bully you every single day! Damian: I'm gonna teach you a lesson so you'll never be able to smirk again! Emile: Her feelings doctor father might be able to fix her if she cries. Damian: Seriously? Well, that's impressive! Damian: Aren't you a special widdle girl? Damian: Hey, where do you think you're looking? You scared? Henderson: What is the meaning of this?! Emile: Sir! She just punched Lord Damian! Anya: I just reached out my hand ,and somehow, he ran into it. Ewen: You liar! You're not fooling anyone! Emile: You were even making sure the teacher wasn't looking earlier! Anya: You got any proof I did it? Ewen: You left the imprint of your fist on his face! Henderson: I trust you are aware that perjury is a disgraceful act, Henderson: Anya Forger. Becky: That's not what happened, sir! Becky: She was holding back all day, but these bullies just... Henderson: So it's true that she h*t him? flashback Yor: Listen carefully, Miss Anya. Anya: Gasp! Yor: The only time it's all right for you to use force is, for example, Yor: if you're saving a friend in trouble. Anya: H-Her foot... Anya: He stepped on it. Anya: So I got mad... Anya: I'm sorry. Becky: She did that for me?! Becky: Oh, Anya! Henderson: She held back her own personal anger, Becky: Thank you! Thank you, Anya! Henderson: and had the courage to stand up to a lad for her friend. Becky: I'm so moved! Henderson: Truly elegant, Anya Forger. Henderson: But I'm afraid... Loid: So the Desmonds didn't appear after all. Loid: Well, there's no need to rush. Loid: Now that she's enrolled, we have all the time in the world. Staff: Ladies and gentlemen. Staff: The students' orientation is now complete, so please head toward the courtyard. Loid: And I was able to make some connections. Staff: If you would gather round, we will take a group photo. Loid: Where's Anya? Henderson: Forger. Henderson: Come with me. Loid: She punched a boy? Yor: Are you hurt at all? Loid: And it just happened to be Desmond's son? Henderson: Usually, acts of v*olence would immediately mean three Tonitrus Bolts... Loid: What in the world? Henderson: But at my discretion, it became one. Henderson: That is as much as I can do. Yor: I'm terribly sorry, Loid! All because I trained her... Henderson: I will speak with his parents, too. Plan A Plan B Loid: It's the first day of school and she lost a point. Loid: To top it off, her relationship with Damian couldn't be any worse. Photographer: All right, everyone! We're taking the picture! Photographer: The family on the right over there! Smile a little more! Photographer: Say, "Cheese!" Sign: Stella needed to become an Imperial Scholar: Tonitrus Bolts until expulsion: Relationship with Damian: - Sign: THE TARGET'S SECOND SON

{"type": "series", "show": "Spy \u00d7 Family", "episode": "01x06 - The Friendship Scheme"}

foreverdreaming

Loid: The man who thr*at the peace between the East and the West... Loid: Donovan Desmond. Loid: In order to get closer to him, Loid: I successfully had Anya enroll in Eden College, the school his son attends. Loid: Next, in order to attend the social gathering that Desmond goes to, Loid: I need Anya to obtain eight merits, called "Stella," Loid: so that she can become an Imperial Scholar. Loid: To make this all happen at a prestigious school, however, would not be easy. Loid: That is why I formulated a plan B, "The Friendship Scheme." Loid: I was hoping to have Anya get closer to Desmond's son, Damian, Sign: Come over! Loid: which in turn would hopefully connect us as their parents. Sign: Welcome Sign: Thank you Loid: But on the first day, she ended up punching Damian, Loid: earned a Tonitrus Bolt, and left their friendship in shambles. Loid: Alas, it is too early to give up. Loid: This plan has only just g*n. Sign: THE TARGET'S SECOND SON Yor: Good mworning... Loid: Good morning, Yor. Breakfast is ready. Loid: Looks like the three of us are getting used to life as a family. Loid: Is Anya still asleep? Loid: She's still worried about what happened yesterday? Loid: Come on out. I won't get mad. Loid: Eat quickly, or you'll be late. Anya: I'm sorry I'm bad at school. Yor: No, that was my fault. Loid: There's no point to worrying about the past. Loid: Just make sure you don't get into any more fights. Loid: Okay, come on. Cheer up. Loid: Your classes start today. Yor: You're so kind, Loid. Loid: Figuring out what we can do next is far more constructive than dwelling on the past. Loid: Besides, it would be much worse if she somehow Loid: got sick of school and didn't want to go anymore. Loid: I need her school life to go as smoothly as possible for the sake of this mission. Loid: Oh, and make sure you apologize to Damian at school today. Loid: Got it? Anya: Yep. Gonna go now. Loid: Do your best and be a good girl! Yor: It's time for us to head to work, too. Loid: Yes. Loid: I'm counting on you, Anya. Loid: The peace of the world rests on you two making amends. Anya: Anya will do her best. Driver: Have a wonderful day, Miss Becky. Anya: Miss Rich Girl! Becky: Oh, Anya. Good day to you. Anya: Do you live in a castle, Miss Rich Girl? Becky: Of course not. Becky: You came here on the school bus? Becky: I could have my driver give you a ride to and from school from now on. Anya: Does that mean I get to be a Miss Rich Girl, too? Becky: I never said anything about adopting you. Becky: Aw, I'm jealous of the dorm kids who don't have to go to and from school. Becky: Bleh... Emile: What do you mean, "Bleh"? You rude little girl! Becky: Ugh, it's only morning and you're already obnoxious. Emile: What's her problem? Ewen: Know your place! Becky: Nyah! Loid: Make sure you apologize. Anya: Um... Anya: Um, yesterday, I... Becky: Let's go, Anya. Our class is about to start. Ewen: Hey, wait! Becky: You'll just catch their stupid if you keep talking to them. Anya: But world peace! Sign: He was worried, so he came to check on her Loid: Stop getting in the way, Blackbell girl! Loid: No, wait. Loid: As I recall, Blackbell and the Desmond Group are actually business partners. Loid: Could this girl be under orders from an enemyorganization to put a stop to our mission? Loid: No, calm down. That's not possible. Loid: First impressions are the most important thing when forming a group of friends at school. Loid: They must make amends today, no matter what. Becky: You know... Becky: Hm. Alice: That's the girl who got violent, right? Jesse: How scary! So barbaric. Sara: Is the girl next to her another delinquent? Johnny: She just h*t him out of nowhere without a reason, right? That's nuts. Male student B: I don't want to be in the same class as her. Female student A: What if she hits me, too? Male student A: I can't believe she came to school. Talk about a pain. Anya: School is scary... Becky: People are so shallow. Becky: They can only judge what's on the surface. Anya: Are you a smart person, Rich Girl? Becky: Aw, I wouldn't say that. Becky: And call me Becky, not "Rich Girl." Instructor: All right, be seated. Becky: I hope we become the best of friends. Becky: I'm the only one who knows how good you are, Anya. Female student B: Honestly, people like that are just... Male student B: We'd better stay away from them. Anya: School is scary, but I think it might be okay. Becky: Hey, look! Isn't this cute? Emile: Tch! Ewen: Why don't you give them a piece of your mind, Lord Damian? Damian: That's right. My name is Damian Desmond. Instructor: All right, I'm calling the roll. Abel. Damian: As one of the sons of a prestigious family, I was born into a life of privilege. Abel: Here. Instructor: Alice. Alice: Here. Instructor: Edward. Edward: Here. Damian: No one had ever defied me before. Instructor: Damian. Instructor: Yikes, the Desmond Group's chairman's son. Damian: I've never even been h*t by my older brother. Instructor: Mr. Desmond. Damian: And yet... Instructor: Mr. Desmond. Damian: Here. Instructor: Conner. Damian: This is the first time I've had to deal with such... Conner: Here. Instructor: George. Damian: With such... George: Here. Damian: With such... Instructor: Herman. Herman: Here. Dominic: With such... Instructor: Sara. Sara: Here. Instructor: Johnny. Johnny: Here. Instructor: Jesse. Jesse: Here. Instructor: Carl. Carl: Here. Instructor: Well, today will be our first lesson, Instructor: so before we begin... Instructor: This is the starting line for all of you who worked so hard to get into this school... Sign: Math Class Instructor: As you can see in this example, when this and this are like this... Instructor: And that's why this turns out like this, and this is... this. Instructor: So you get this answer by doing this... Instructor: And if you get this answer, you can use the same method to get the answer over here. Instructor: She had the nerve to fall asleep in first period on her first day. Instructor: Is she actually a delinquent? Instructor: How scary. Becky: Anya! Becky: We have science class next. Wake up! Anya: Second son! Anya: I have to apologize to the second son. Becky: Second son? You mean Damian? Becky: He already left. Becky: And just leave that loser alone. Anya: But peace will be in trouble if I don't apologize to the second son. Becky: You mean it'll put a damper on your peaceful school life? Becky: I mean, yeah... Who knows what that boy will try to do? Becky: But don't worry. Becky: I'm on your side, Anya! Becky: I'll protect you, no matter what. Anya: Oh, it's okay, then. Becky: Yes. Loid: No, it's not! Anya: Papa?! Loid: I need a way to tell her how important that apology is! Instructor (Science): As you can see, you can reflect the sun's rays using a mirror. Sign: Science Class Instructor (Science): The spot where the light hits will feel warm. Instructor (Science): Next, let's try an experiment using two mirrors. Sign: <Fortune for Good Little Children>It is good to apologize today. Anya: Is that you, God?! Instructor (Science): We will use the other mirror to reflect the light from earlier. Loid: Apologize, Anya. Reconcile with him. Anya: I suddenly feel this intense pressure. Male student C: "And that's when John made up his mind. Sign: Language Class Male student C: Even if he were to be left out, he was going to see his beliefs through. Male student C: And then John never apologized to anyone ever again." Sign: "But then John reflected upon his actions" Sign:"and thought, 'Sometimes, it's just better to admit you're wrong and get along with others.'" Anya: My textbook seems different from everyone else's... Sign: Lunchtime Becky: It's finally time for lunch. Let's go to the cafeteria. Becky: I guess this really is a prestigious school. Becky: We're getting pretty brutal lessons from day one. Becky: I'm exhausted. Female Instructor: New students, you can order whatever you'd like for lunch. Sign: Cafeteria Becky: Huh... Well, they're nowhere near as talented as my chef. Anya: Anya wants omelet rice. Becky: What a bizarre dish. Anya: Second son! Becky: Ew, go eat in your dorm. Anya: I have to apologize. Becky: No, you don't. Becky: They're the ones at fault. Loid: That stupid little brat! Loid: That's it. I need to get her away from Anya. Senior waiter: Hey, newbie! Where are you going?! Loid: Becky Blackbell from Class -. Loid: Come to the student hall in Tower A immediately. Becky: Huh? But I'm still eating. Loid: Now! Becky: Ugh! Anya: Now's my chance to apologize. Ewen: Wh-What do you want?! You wanna fight again? Anya: Um— Emile: If you hadn't sucker punched him, Lord Damian never would've lost to you! Anya: Um... Damian: Shut up, you two. Emile: Huh? I see. You're going to personally give her what for! Damian: Why do I find it so hard to speak when she's in front of me? Ewen: Lord Damian? Damian: What is this awkward sensation I'm feeling in my chest? Anya: I feel a weird chill. I betterapologize quick, then run away. Emile: Knowing Lord Damian, Emile: I'm sure he's finding the absolute perfect insults to rip this little girl to shreds! Ewen: I wonder what he'll go for? "Shrimp"? Ewen: No, that is far too meek. Emile: Super uggo? Raccoon face? Anya: Um... Ewen: Violent gorilla girl? Anya: I... Emile: She's even got those lame hair things that look like horns. Anya: Y-Yesterday... Ewen: Your momma's so fat... Ewen: You've got stubby little legs. Emile: Stubby little legs! Emile: She's even got those lame hair things that look like horns. Ewen: Raccoon-faced commoner! Emile: You'll get your filthy commoner germs on us. Emile: Go away, you stubby little raccoon. Emile: With stubby little legs... Ewen: Stubby little legs! Anya: I'm... um... Anya: I'm r-really sorry... Anya: that I suddenly h*t you yesterday! Anya: I just wanted... Anya: to be friends with you. Anya: I'm sorry... Anya: for having stubby little legs. Damian: Sh-She felt so bad that she's actually bawling?! Damian: She's so demure. Loid: I guess I didn't really need to interfere. Loid: Well done, Anya. Good job apologizing. Ewen: Lord Damian, your face is bright red. Damian: That's just because... I'm enraged! Damian: I would never... Damian: That's right. She defied me! Right to my face! Damian: Yes... Damian: She came right up to me... Damian: Stared deep into my eyes... Damian: N-No! That's not what's going on! Damian: Stop pounding, my stupid heart! Damian: She's a commoner! I would never... Damian: No, never! Damian: That's just too embarrassing. Damian: Damn it all! I'd rather die than ever admit it! Damian: I will never forgive you! My pride will not allow it! Ewen: Well said, Lord Damian! A woman's tears cannot sway him! Emile: We'll let you off the hook for today. Emile: Lord Damian! Loid: Her apology... was completely rejected?! Loid: Plan B is done for. Emile: By the way, why are we running? Damian: Shut up! Sign:Relationship with Damian: Anya: School is... scary. Anya: Becky! Becky: Who was it?! Who the heck called me out here?! Sign: Tower A Student Hall Loid: That makes the denominator three, and you get one-third. Loid: Which means you have three thirds, which is equal to one. Loid: Simple, right? Yor: L-Loid, why don't you both take a break? Loid: Absolutely not. She has to learn at least this much by today. Loid: The incident with Damian the other day... Loid: The "Friendship Scheme" that was meant to bring us closer to the Desmonds... flashbackDamian: I will never forgive you! Loid: completely fell apart. Loid: Which means we need to go with the orthodox method of Plan A, Loid: and boost its chances of success as much as possible. Loid: If you don't finish this, you don't get to watch your spy cartoon tonight. Loid: Well? What's the answer here? Anya: I'll finish this quick by reading Papa's mind. Loid: Come on. You use this formula here... Loid internal: In order to get the Stella needed to become an Imperial Scholar, Loid internal: there are other methods such as excelling in sports If her grades deviate too much from the norm, it might make people suspicious, which would make the school wary of her, and the Desmonds...There are other methods such as excelling in sports or doing community service, But in order to halt getting Tonitrus Bolts from bad grades or being expelled from them, we need to get her academic skills up so she can get s*ab grades. If Anya puts in the effort...Carelessly becoming someone else in order to infiltrate and get close to someone is risky. If the worst happens, WISE won't keep quiet, since they're already on high alert against Western spies. Which means we basically need to proceed with caution...I could enter the faculty room and alter documents, though honestly, the most absolute way to get to the social gathering is to infiltrate it, but over the past few years, fellow agents have...But as far as the process goes, the best way to maximize academic efficiency within the family... Loid internal: or doing community service. Loid internal: But in order to halt getting Tonitrus Bolts from bad grades Loid internal: Though honestly, the most absolute way to get to the social gathering Loid internal: or being expelled from them, we need to get her academic skills up. Loid internal: is to infiltrate it, but over the past few years, fellow agents have... Loid internal: I could enter the faculty roomand alter documents... Yor: Are you all right, Miss Anya?! Anya: I will read Mama's mind. Anya: Mama, this question... Yor: Let's think it over together. Yor: Let's see... The denominator is five, so that's one split into five. Yor: Um... To make this easier to understand, Yor: let's rip all four limbs off of a torso... Yor: Oh, but then the head gets in the way. Yor: Huh? Um... Yor: Five... Five? Yor: Doesn't a five look like an S? Yor: Are you all right, Miss Anya?! Loid: What's wrong? Well? Why can't you solve this? Loid: I honestly can't figure out what it is she can't understand. Anya: I don't wanna study! Loid: Hey, wait a minute! Yor: L-Loid... Yor: I don't think it's a good idea to be too forceful at times like this. Loid: Yes, but she needs to study more to become an Imperial Scholar. Yor: But is that something she wants for herself? Loid: Well... Loid: That's actually for my mission. Yor: I would really like Miss Anya to enjoy going to school. Yor: Of course, she may need to studyso that she doesn't get expelled. Loid: Yes... You're right. Loid: She's still very young, Loid: so getting good grades is probably the least of her worries. Yor: Oh, I'm sorry. Yor: I shouldn't butt into another family's affairs. Loid: No, it's quite all right. Thank you, Yor. Loid: I do lose my composure with her at times. Yor: I'm sure other parents go through the same thing. Yor: Let's take a break. Yor: I'll make us some tea. Loid: Anya, we made you some hot cocoa. Loid: And now she's holed up in her room. Yor: I guess she's sulking now. Anya: I'm gonna do my best in school! Yor: She reminds me of my little brother when he was small. Yor: She'll come out eventually. Loid: By the way, your brother works for the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, right? Loid: He must have a brilliant academic record. Loid: Did you help him with his homework? Loid: If you have any tips for me... Yor: Oh, no. Yuri was a much more capable child than I was. Yor: I'm embarrassed to admit it, but he probably taught me more than I taught him. Yor: Whenever we'd study together... Young Yuri: No, Sis. Spiders actually aren't insects. Young Yuri: Insects have six legs, Young Yuri: and their bodies are split up between their head, thorax, and abdomen. Young Yor: Wow... You're so knowledgeable, Yuri. Yor: Whenever I complimented him, his smile would light up the room. Young Yuri: Sis! Next, I'll teach you history! Young Yor: S-Sure... Yor: He must've enjoyed teaching me things, Yor: because he'd always study on his own even when I left him alone. Young Yuri: Sis, wake up! I learned my times tables! Listen! Young Yor: Mrfh... Loid: I see. So part of his motivation was earning your praise. Yor: I'm not so sure about that, Yor: but if that is the case, perhaps you can be someone like that for Miss Anya. Yor: It might be worth it to praise her for the smallest things. Yor: I think that'll make Miss Anya happy. Loid: Well... I'm not so sure about that. Loid: I'm not her real father, after all. Loid: Wait, no. Loid: That's right. I need to be the ideal father. Loid: I need to play that part. Loid: That was the foundation of this mission. Loid: But up until now, nothing has been ideal, Loid: and as a father, I've been... Yor: It's all right. Yor: Please be more confident in yourself. Yor: Don't you remember what Miss Anya said? Yor: That we're a perfect points. Yor: To Miss Anya, you're a wonderful father. Loid: I'm grateful to hear you say that. Yor: Oh, no. I butted in as a stranger again. Loid: No, Yor. Loid: You're not a stranger, nor part of someone else's family. Loid: Right now, you're the mother of the Forgers. Loid: I'm counting on you to provide whatever I'm lacking. Yor: Th-That's right. I'm actually someone's wife. Loid: Don't say things like that when we're out of the house. Loid: It would be great if you could look over Anya's homework, too. Yor: Of course, if you think I can be of help. Yor: Let's take our time and do our best together. Loid: That's right. Don't panic, Twilight. Loid: If this could be ended by assassinating Desmond alone, Loid: there would be countless methods, Loid: but that won't get us to a true solution. Loid: Nothing goes well in a short amount of time. Loid: You need to know what your targetis thinking, what they desire, Loid: then gain their trust and get close to them so you can keep an eye on them. Loid: Completing such mundane missions that require patience makes a true spy. Loid: First, I need to truly understand Anya. Yor: Oh, look at the time. Loid: I'll go have a chat with Anya. Yor: Then I'll go ahead and do the dishes. Loid: Hey, Anya. Your spy show's about to start. Loid: I'm sorry about earlier. Loid: Let's watch your show first, Loid: and then we can figure out what to do about your studies. Loid: Anya? Loid: She fell asleep. Loid: You're going to catch a cold. Loid: She was studying on her own? Anya: I have to get the best grades on my tests for Papa... Loid: I guess I'll just record that show for her. Anya: No, Mama. You can't k*ll Papa... Loid: What exactly is she dreaming about? Anya: Zzz... Loid: A wonderful father, huh? Loid: I wonder what it'd feel like to have a real family. Dominic: Heya, Yuri! Working hard, I see! Yuri: Oh, it's been a while, Dominic. Yuri: I've been so busy with work that I haven't been home at all. Dominic: Elites at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs sure are cut from a different cloth. Yuri: Oh, yeah. Dominic, how was the party the other day? Yuri: What was the guy my sister went with like? Dominic: Oh, Yor's... Dominic: Ah... Actually, congrats, by the way. Dominic: Wait, you haven't met him yet? Yuri: Huh? Yuri: My sister got married? THE COUNTER-SECRET POLICE COVER OPERATION

{"type": "series", "show": "Spy \u00d7 Family", "episode": "01x07 - The Target's Second Son"}

foreverdreaming

Sign: THE COUNTER-SECRET POLICE COVER OPERATION Instructor (Math): Now, who can answer this question? Instructor (Math): Miss Anya Forger. Anya: Three-thirds! Instructor (Math): Ah. That is quite wrong. Handler: So, how are things going, Twilight? Handler: How is your daughter doing with her academics? Handler: HQ was estimating that she'd be able to receive eight Stella in about four months. Loid: Four... Loid: Not a problem. Handler: I see... that your ability to lie has diminished. Loid: I'm confident she'll be able to get eight Tonitrus Bolts in two months, though. Handler: No matter. Handler: By the way... Handler: Our informant within city hall was compromised this morning. Handler: The enemy is stepping up their game. Handler: Be on your guard, Twilight. Handler: I shouldn't have to say this about being in the city, Handler: but be it at Eden College or elsewhere, Handler: you never know where eyes will be watching you. Handler: This country's counter-intelligence agency is quite tough. Hayward: H-How can I help you gentlemen? First Lieutenant: We're with the State Security Service. First Lieutenant: You're Jim Hayward, are you not? First Lieutenant: We're taking you in on suspicion of being a spy. Hayward: A s-spy?! What are you talking about? Hayward: Hey... wait! Hayward: Stop that! Unhand me at onc— First Lieutenant: We'll hear what you have to say back at the office. Millie: That's totally what happened this morning! I was so scared! Sharon: The guy they took from finance Sharon: was apparently leaking documents from this office. Yor: Oh, he must be a bad person. Camilla: Mornin'. Millie: Oh, mornin'! Yor: Good morning, Camilla. Camilla: Oh, by the way, Yor, my boyfriend told me about your marriage. Camilla: You haven't even told your younger brother yet? Yor: Oh, you're right! I'd completely forgotten! Sharon: Uh, you forgot? For a whole year? Yor: Wh-What shall I do? Camilla: He said he'll be calling you here later. Yor: That's right. Yor: I haven't given him the number for my new place yet. Yor: I was so relieved our marriage went throughthat I blanked on everything else! Millie: Say... is your younger brother a hottie? Millie: Aw, he's a total cutie! Yor: Yes. Yuri is quite adorable. Yor: He would always call me "Sis" and refused to leave my side. Sign: The State Security Service Millie: Yikes, so he's obsessed with his sister. Pass. Sharon: If your brother looks up to you so much,isn't it kinda mean to forget to tell him that? First Lieutenant: Let's start one more time from the beginning. First Lieutenant: How many and what kind of files did you take from city hall? First Lieutenant: Who did you sell them to? First Lieutenant: What do they look like?What is their contact information? First Lieutenant: When, where, and how many times did you meet with them? Hayward: Please let me go home. Narrator: The State Security Service. Narrator: An organization whose goal is to maintain the peace within their nation. First Lieutenant: Since we're both so good at talking, let's continue, Mr. Hayward. Narrator: Its main duties include spy hunting and keeping an eye on the citizens. First Lieutenant: What do you say? Narrator: To complete their missions, they frequently use v*olence, Narrator: wiretapping, intimidation, and t*rture. Narrator: The citizens called them the "secret police," and they are feared. Yuri: Great work, First Lieutenant. The boss asked me to take over the questioning. First Lieutenant: All right. I'll leave the rest to you, First Lieutenant: Second Lieutenant Briar. Yuri: Yes, sir! I'll do my best! Narrator: Yuri Briar, age twenty. Narrator: He is a member of the secret police. Second lieutenant: Why did the boss bring such a softie into our team? Second lieutenant: I admit that he's good, but frankly, he's just a kid. Second lieutenant: Some elite from the Ministry of ForeignAffairs who quickly rose up the ranks. First lieutenant: When I talked to the boss... Chief: Huh? Well, isn't Yuri adorable? Chief: He's like some cute little puppy. First Lieutenant: And that was all. Second Lieutenant: I-I see... First Lieutenant: Well, our organization needs a kid like him sometimes. First Lieutenant: Not to mention, he knows how to do the job, First Lieutenant: and he can be quite indiscriminate. Yuri: Hello, Mr. Hayward! Hayward: You won't get anything out of m— Yuri: My older sister actually works at city hall just like you do! Hayward: Huh? Yuri: Maybe you know her. She's pretty and kind, and I'm super proud of her! Yuri: I'm actually going to celebrate her marriage today. Yuri: I haven't seen her in forever, so I'm really excited! Yuri: So, yeah. I'd like to get this over with quickly so I can go home. Yuri: Why don't you just spit it all out already? Hayward: I-I don't know anything! Yuri: Here are photos of your deals. Yuri: This is you, isn't it, Mr. Hayward? Secretary: Second Lieutenant, you— Secretary: How long were you holding on to important evidence like this?! Yuri: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to submit them. Yuri: You'd be much better off if you were honest. Heyward: So, I was just giving them the papers in exchange for cash. Heyward: All I know about him is that he's from the West. I don't even know his name. Yuri: Was there anything awkward about this man's looks or speech? Yuri: Perhaps he didn't act his age? Heyward: No, nothing like that. Yuri: I see. In that case... Yuri: Does the name "Twilight" sound familiar to you? Heyward: Who? Yuri: He's a spy from the West. Apparently, a master of disguise. Yuri: He is the villain who is trying to make this world fall into chaos. Yuri: You could call him my natural enemy. Heyward: I-If I helped you catch him, could we just forget about all this? Yuri: Do you know something? Heyward: Er, no, but let me remember... Yuri: If you feed me false information, you'll be committing another crime, so do be careful. Heyward: I just wanted extra money so I could fool around with girls! I didn't mean any harm. Yuri: You have a wife, don't you? Heyward: You're a man, too! You must understand! Heyward: I was just selling some documents. I'm no political criminal. Heyward: Let me off the hook! Please! Yuri: Mr. Hayward, you see... Yuri: I haven't told my sister that I work for the State Security Service. Yuri: It's a particularly dangerous job, so it'd just worry her. Yuri: And above all, I don't want her to know how much dirty work I do. Yuri: Mr. Hayward, what you've done is treason. Yuri: Perhaps they were nothing more than pieces of paper to you, Yuri: but they may very well put many of our citizens in danger. Yuri: Do you understand?! Yuri: Unlike you, I love my family... my sister. Yuri: I will do anything to protect this country where my sister lives. Yuri: And I do mean anything. Bondman: I don't care how much you t*rture me! Bondman: I will never... sell out my friends! Enemy: Curse you and your resilience, Bondman! Loid: If only she could concentrate on her studies like this. Bondman: I only have two b*ll*ts left. Anya: How many b*ll*ts can Bondman's p*stol hold? Loid: Hm? I'm pretty sure it was eight. Anya: So that's two-eighths! Loid: Yes! You're right! Anya: He has two-eighths of his b*ll*ts left! Loid: How do you even know those words? Loid: So the cartoon makes things easier for her to understand? Yor: Th-Th-Th-Th-There's trouble, Loid! Loid: Welcome home, Yor. Anya: He has two-eighths of his b*ll*ts left! Yor: Yuri... I mean, my younger brother is coming here today! Loid: Today?! Yor: So, yes... Yor: He insists on coming over and congratulating us. Yor: What shall we do? He won't find out that this marriage is fake, will he? Loid: Don't worry. Loid: I've prepared lovey-dovey couple accessories for just this sort of occasion. Anya: Papa and Mama are flirting. Loid and Yor: We are not! Anya: Mama's little brother still isn't here? Loid: You mean your uncle. Anya: Unkie... Loid: It's late. You should go to bed. Anya: Anya will greet Unkie, too... Yor: It appears as though he's still stuck at work. Yuri: I got a little worked up, and now I'm late. Yuri: Ah, but... Yuri: I'll finally be able to see Sis! It's been so long! La, la! Yuri: Hurgh! Yuri: I can feel the ribs that my sister broke before tingling. Yuri: I'm remembering her loving embrace, and now my whole body is tingling! Yuri: But why in the world did my sister wait a whole year to tell me she was married? Yuri: Could he be some foul villain that she's afraid of introducing to me?! Yuri: I will eliminate every thr*at within this country where my sister lives. Yuri: That includes her husband, too. Yuri: Loid Forger... Yuri: If he's some shithead who's thr*at my sister, I'll throw him in a cell immediately. Yuri: No, calm down. She mustn't find out about my job. Yuri: In order to protect my job and my happiness, Yuri: I must make sure she never finds out about this! Loid: Yuri Briar... Loid: The Forgers' only blood relative. Loid: It's easy to slip up around someone you'reemotionally close to. We must be careful. Loid: I cannot lose this family that I've worked so hard to create. Narrator: Everyone has a side they don't show anyone else. Narrator: To their friends, their significant others, or even their families. Yuri: Hello! It's nice to meet you! I'm Yor's younger brother, Yuri! Narrator: They hide what they're truly feeling through fake smiles or bravado, Narrator: and keep their true identities secret. Loid and Yor: Welcome. Narrator: That is how the world keeps up the appearance of its temporary peace. Announcer: Foreign Minister Windsor met with Westalis's Foreign Minister Brantz for six days of talks, Announcer: with the goal of normalizing diplomatic relations between the two countries. Loid: I'm going to find out... Yuri: I'm going to find out... Loid: if this man is going to harm our family or not! Yuri: if this man is worthy of my sister or not! Yuri: No, of course he's not worthy. Loid: Oh, let me take your coat and the things you're carrying. Yuri: Oh, no, there's no need. Thank you for offering. Loid: I can prepare something simple for us to eat pretty quickly. Loid: The two of you can go ahead and relax. Yuri: Oh, don't mind me. Yuri: I would never eat something you've made. Yor: Oh, you look so scary, Yuri.You must be nervous. Yuri: I-I'm not... Yuri: Crap. My animosity must've been showing. Yor: Please, make yourself at home. Yuri: I could still be worked up from that interrogation earlier. Yuri: I need to play the part of the studious civil servant in front of my sister! Yor: I need to play the part of the lovely wife in front of Yuri! Yor: I could never tell him that I got married so I could continue k*lling! Yor: Thank you for the flowers, Yuri. Yuri: Sure... But, Sis... Yuri: I haven't accepted your marriage yet. Yuri: Why did you keep this a secret for a year? Yuri: How am I supposed to accept it if you don't explain? Loid: A reasonable question. Loid: Now, then... Loid: About your brother... Why don't we just go ahead and tell him everything? Loid: The fact that single women are seen as highly suspicious Loid: is a very serious issue in our times. Loid: I'm sure your brother will understand. Yor: W-We can't! Yor: My brother can be very, er, sensitive. Yor: If he found out that I... I got married to someone I wasn't in love with, Yor: he would probably lose his composure. Yor: Then we could end up troubling you, Loid... Yor: And I don't want my brother to have to worry about me over something like this. Yor: Oh, b-but don't worry! I have the perfect excuse to give him! flashback Yor: I know more about Yuri than anyone else, so leave this to me! Loid: I'm counting on you, Yor. Yuri: Well, Sis? Why didn't you tell me? Yor: W-Well... Yor: B-Because I completely forgot! Yuri: Huh? Okay, uh, I... Yor: It completely slipped my mind! Yuri: Actually, when I called you the other day, you told me that you had a partner. Yuri: You could've at least told me then! Yor: W-Well... Yor: I forgot that I had forgotten to tell you about my marriage! Yuri: Well, if you say so, it must be true! Sorry, Sis. Loid: He accepted that?! Narrator: When it concerns his sister, this man's sense of logic goes out the window. Yuri: Jeez, Sis! You're such a scatterbrain! Loid: Is this normal for the Briars? Loid: Sorry to keep you waiting. Yuri: Tch. How dare you interrupt the fun Sis and I were having? Yuri: No... If I keep up this nasty attitude, Sis might end up hating me. Yuri: I need to at least fake— Yor: Isn't Loid's cooking just so delicious? Yuri: Hmph! Don't think your cooking is enough to win me over, you villain! Yuri: Oh, right. I actually brought over some wine. Yuri: Please, help yourselves. Loid: How considerate of you. Yuri: I'll get you drunk and expose you for the filthy villain you are! Loid: None for you tonight, Yor. Yor: I know. Yor: Unfortunately. Yuri: So where did you two meet? Loid: At the boutique on rd Street. Yor: It was so surprising for a man I didn't know to stare at me like that. Loid: Er, well... She was just so beautiful, you know... Loid: The way you said that... Loid: This subject will probably lead to a slip-up. I need to change it. Loid: After a few dinners, we realized we had a lot in common. Yuri: When were these dinners? Where? How many times did you go? Yuri: Which restaurants? Yuri: How many encounters led to your courtship? Yuri: What made you decide to marry her? Loid: Um... Loid: Why do I feel like I'm being questioned by an officer? Yuri: How do the two of you address each other? Loid: Huh? Er, I call her "Yor." Yuri: "Yor"?! Yuri: Even I hesitate to use her given name! Yuri: S-S-S-Sis, you don't happen to call him "Loi Loi" or "Loidy," do you? Yor: Huh? Um... Yuri: Loidy! Yuri: God damn it! Yor: I-I just... call him Loid! Narrator: When it concerns his sister, this man's sense of logic... Well, you know the rest. Loid: Are you all right? Loid: Here, have some water. Yuri: What could my sister possibly like about this guy?! Yuri: Just because he can cook a little, and he's handsome, and tall, Yuri: and considerate, and a doctor, that's just... Yuri: That's just... Yuri: God damn it! Yor: Yuri, calm down. Loid: I guess neither Briar holds their liquor well. Loid: By the way, Yuri, I hear you're a diplomat. Loid: Divert, divert... Loid: That's quite the line of work. Yor loves to brag about you all the time. Yor: Dominic told me the other day that you went all the way to Hugaria recently. Yuri: Huh? Yeah. I mean, it's just work. Yuri: But yes. It was a beautiful city. Yuri: I wish I could've shown you, Sis. Yuri: There were a lot of cafés, too. Yuri: There was even an old one that an empress used to frequent... Loid: You mean in the capital city Obda, right? Loid: There are several delicious restaurants there. Loid: I went there when I was a medical student. Yuri: Oh, really? Yuri: I went to Kalpatia often. Yuri: The old man who owns it makes a superb stew. Loid: I had that, too! Ah... Loid: So this wine is also from Hugaria. It's excellent. Loid: This is... Yuri: Oh, that... Loid: "I bought it from a shop on Hedger Street." Yuri: I found it at a little shop on Hedger Street. Loid: It must've been pricey. Loid: It's dalc. Yuri: Oh, no. It was just around dalc. Loid: I knew it. Loid: That's plenty fancy. Thank you very much. Loid: This conversation... Loid: It's right out of the Ostanian Intelligence Agency's manual for the art of deception. Loid: It's a conversation template used to fabricate a story about going to another country. Loid: Meaning this whole story's been a lie. Loid: Besides, the owner of Kalpatia now has his son running the shop. Loid: And this wine actually costs dalc now due to a poor harvest. Loid: You may be able to fool an amateur, but it won't work on me, Loid: Yuri Briar! Loid: I had my reservations as soon as I heard you worked for the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Loid: That line of work has commonly been an entryway to espionage. Loid: I had Franky do some digging, Loid: and there are records showing he worked in that department up until a year ago. Loid: He must've been scouted by the intelligence agency right before or after that. Loid: Putting all the pieces together, Loid: this man works for the domestic counter-intelligence agency Loid: that is WISE's mortal enemy... the secret police! Loid: That said, though it may be dangerous, Loid: as long as he doesn't find out who I really am, Loid: maintaining this relationship isn't a bad idea. Loid: If I play my cards right, he could be a powerful source of information Loid: regarding my enemies. Loid: I'll get you something in return next time. Yor: Isn't it wonderful that you have such a lovely older brother now, Yuri? Loid: He appears to be concealing his identity from Yor, too. Loid: He may be easier to manipulate than I thought. Yor: Yuri? Yuri: I told you I wouldn't accept him, Sis! Yuri: I'm never going to call him my brother! Yor: You're being rude, Yuri. Yuri: Yeah, you're right. Yuri: I went out into the world, made a name for myself, Yuri: and I can even buy expensive booze now! Yuri: But that's all because of my sister! Yuri: Our parents were gone, and we were poor, Yuri: so we couldn't even get everything I'd need for studying. Yuri: But... Young Yuri: Sis sure is late. She's still at her part-time job? Young Yor: I'm home, Yuri! Young Yuri: Uh, Sis?! Young Yuri: What happened?! You're covered in blood! Young Yuri: What kind of work were you doing?! Young Yor: Huh? Oh, I'm totally fine. flashback Young Yor: This isn't my blood, so... Young Yor: More importantly, look, Yuri! Young Yor: Ta-da! It's the encyclopedia set you wanted! Young Yor: I got paid a lot this time, so I went ahead and bought it! Young Yuri: Sis... flashbackYoung Yor: Ta-da! Here are those snacks you wanted, Yuri! Yor: Sis would always work herself to death for me! flashbackYoung Yuri: You don't have to work anymore, Sis! Yuri: So I made up my mind... that I was going to become a proper adult, Yuri: and be a man who could protect my sister. Yuri: I'm going to be the one who protects my one and only family member. Yuri: Can you even imagine Yuri: how it feels for me to have the most important person in my life Yuri: just suddenly taken from me by some guy who appeared out of thin air? Yor: Yuri... Yuri: Sure, I wanted you to get married someday and find true happiness. Yuri: But that guy has to be someone who could protect you even better than me! Yuri: Are you saying you're up to that task, Yuri: Loidy?! Loid: Lo— Yor: I just want to put my brother's mind at ease. Loid: I... Loid: I love Yor as much as you do, if not more! Loid: My daughter loves Yor very much, too. Yor: Come on... This is just an act to deceive my brother. Loid: She is already a part of my family. Loid: Even if spears or meteors rained down from the sky, Loid: I would risk my life to protect her. Narrator: This man was a bold liar. Yuri: Did he say... meteors?! Yuri: I'm confident that I could protect her from spears, but meteors?! Yuri: Is he surprisingly powerful? But how would he do that? Yuri: I-It's easy to claim such things, you liar! Yuri: Yeah! You have the face of a liar! Yor: Oh, goodness. Yor: You're so careless sometimes, Yuri! Loid internal: I have the face of a liar? Has he seen through me? Loid: Oh, don't worry about it, Yor. I'll clean it up. Loid internal: No, that couldn't be. Yuri: What? You've been married for a year, Yuri: and that's your reaction when your hands touch? Yuri: What? Are you actually married? Loid: Wha— Loid: Wh-What are you talking about?We're so in love. Yor: Y-Yes, exactly. Yuri: A likely story... If you're really married, then prove it to me. Loid: I mean, we have our marriage license... Yuri: That's not what I meant! Yuri: Kiss right here and now. Yor and Loid: Huh?! Yuri: Should be easy if you're actually in love. Yor: Er... But if it's in front of someone... Yuri: Just once is fine. Then I'll believe you. Yuri: If you can't, I'm going to city hall to have them revoke your marriage license! Loid: This is bad. What should I do? Loid: No, calm down. Loid: I'm Westalis's greatest spy, Twilight. Loid: I've had relations with countless women on my missions. Loid: If a kiss or two will keep my mission safe... Loid: If that's all it takes... Yor: What?! Yor: Loid, wait... Loid: I'm just going to do what I always do, Yor. Loid: Come on. Yor: I mean, we need to so we can keep our fake marriage going, but... Yor: Wha... Yor: Wha... Yor: What?! Sign: SHOW OFF HOW IN LOVE YOU ARE

{"type": "series", "show": "Spy \u00d7 Family", "episode": "01x08 - The Counter-Secret Police Cover Operation"}

foreverdreaming

Yuri: If you're really married, then prove it to me. Yuri: Kiss right here and now. Loid: If that's all it takes... Yor: What?! Yor: A kiss? A kiss?! Yor: Doesn't that mean... um... Yor: Oh, yes. I've read somewhere that your first kiss tastes like lemons. Yor: That'll go perfectly with this marinated fish. Yor: Calm down, Yor! Get a hold of yourself! Loid: Here I go. Yor: O-O-O-One second, please. Yor: There is no way I can do this sober. Yor: Fank you for waiting... Loid: Uh... right. Loid: We don't have to do this if you don't want to. Yor: This ish for my sake, as well. I will do my besht. Yuri: What are you two whispering about?! Yuri: Can you do it or not?! Yuri: Prove to me that you're really a married couple! Yor: Keep your mouf shut, Yuri. Yor: We will now show you just how in wuv we are. Yor: Here I come, darling. Yor: Now, cwose your eyes. Yuri: S-Sis! Loid: Um... Yor? Sign: SHOW OFF HOW IN LOVE YOU ARE Yor: Sis... Yuri: How lewd! Little Yuri: Sis! Little Yuri: Look! I scored the highest in my whole class! Yor: Oh, how wonderful! Yor: I'll reward you with a kiss. Yor: Smooch! Little Yuri: Sis... Little Yuri: When I grow up... Little Yuri: I'm gonna marry you. Yor: Oh, my. Yor: Then I guess I'll just have to wait patiently for you. flashback Yor (Echo): ...wait patiently for you. ...wait patiently for you. flashback Yor (Echo): ...wait patiently for you. ...wait patiently for you. Yuri: You... Yuri: You can't, Sis! Yuri: Seeing you kiss another man in front of me is just... Yuri: I won't allow— Yor: Oh, I knew it... Yor: I just can't! Yuri: —itpppppbt! Yor: No! Anya: Izzit the end of the world? Yor: Huh?! Um, Yuri? Yuri: I see how it is, Sis. Yuri: You're going to treat me like that just because I tried to stop you from kissing him. Yuri: I guess you just couldn't wait to do naughty things with him! Yuri: I was a fool to test you. Yuri: Perhaps my feelings were what was truly being tested here! Loid: Um... more importantly, you're bleeding. Yuri: Loid Forger... You may lay claim on my sister's lips for now. Yor: Wha— Yor: What are you talking about?! Yuri: Right... Well, I'll let you off the hook for today. Yuri: But just remember— Loid: No, really. You're bleeding. Loid: Is this just normal for the Briars? Yor: Are you all right, Yuri? You're about to fall over. Yuri: I'm fine. Loid: Did you really just say that? Yuri: Well, so are you, Sis. Yor: Shall I call you a taxi? Yuri: I'm fine. You're such a worrywart, Sis. Loid: Whoa, there! Yuri: Wipe that smirk off your face! Yuri: Are my failures that amusing to you?! Loid: Er, no. I was just admiring what lovely siblings you are. Loid: You must have always been there for each other. Loid: Yuri, thank you for protecting Yor up until now. Loid: I'm sure you've been through many hardships. Loid: I'll also do everything I can to be there for her from now on, Loid: so let's do everything we can to make sure Yor is happy. Yuri: Like I'd ever ask for your help! Yuri: Forget it! I'm going home! Loid: Feel free to come over anytime! Loid: I'm sure that'll make Yor happy. Loid: You should come when my daughter's awake next time. Yor: Miss Anya was doing everything she could to stay up to meet you. Yor: She's absolutely precious, so I hope you'll play with her. Yuri: I don't need him to invite me! I'll be back! Yuri: Next time, I'll prove that you're tricking my sister! Yor: I am not being tricked! Yuri: Now, hear me, Loid Forger. Yuri: If you make my sister cry even a little bit, Yuri: I will have you ex— Yuri: Um... well, you know. Yuri: Just know that you'll rue the day! Yor: Be careful getting home, dear! Yuri: Sis! Yor: Be mindful of your yelling! It'll disturb the neighbors! Loid: Was he about to say he'd have me ex*cuted? Loid: I should be careful. Loid: Any wiretaps? Loid: Looks like we're clear. Loid: Since he's with the secret police... Loid: Well, because he's her brother, he may just try that. Loid: I need to be on my guard. Yor: Loid, thank you very much. Yor: I'm a bit embarrassed to say so, Yor: but thank you for welcoming him into your family, despite his rudeness. Loid: Yuri clearly loves you very much, Yor. Loid: I don't have any family or friends I can rely on, other than my daughter, Loid: so I admit that I was a little envious of you two. Yor: Loid... Loid: Though my daughter is also just part of a pretend family. Loid: Well, anyway. I'm glad he didn't find out about our pretend marriage. Yor: Yes. Yor: I'm suddenly very tired, now that I'm relieved. Yor: Why don't we head to bed after we clean up? Loid: Er, in separate beds, of course! I'll change things back! Yor: R-Right. Anya: Papa... Pwease save Earth... Yor: Now, Yuri... You'll make me mad if you h*t Loid... Loid: I can't remember the last time I felt envious of another. Loid: I should sleep. I'm sure I'm just exhausted. Loid: Yet my mission still continues on tomorrow. Yuri: I beg your pardon. Yuri: Which way is the station? Passerby A&B: Get to the hospital first, pal! Anya: Morning, pwease. Anya: You seem very green today, Papa. Loid: Quit talking in your sleep and go wash your face. Yor: Good morning! Yor: It's too bad you didn't get to meet Yuri yesterday. Anya: Who's that? Yor: Huh?! But she was so looking forward to meeting him! Loid: Things sure did get lively yesterday. Yor: I'm very sorry. Loid: Who'd have thought Yor's brother would be like that? Anya: Oh! Unkie! Loid: And he's part of the secret police, my greatest foe as a spy. Anya: S-Secret police?! Anya: What's that? Anya: "Secret" plus "police"... Anya: That sounds so exciting! Anya: Why didn't you introduce me to him?! Anya: Gimme back the excitement I wasted! Loid: You wanted to meet him that badly? Loid: Well, at least the storm has passed for now. Loid: I need to concentrate on Anya's education. Loid: Come on, hurry up and eat. You'll be late. Anya: Om... nom... Yor: Don't worry, you'll see be able to see him soon. Loid: Has the thr*at truly passed? Loid: Yor Briar, whose younger brother is a member of the secret police... Loid: Previously, there was nothing suspicious surrounding her. Loid: She didn't seem to know what her brother's true occupation is, Loid: so my intuition says she's still clear. Loid: Besides, if she knew her brother worked at the State Security Service, Loid: there'd be no concern over suspicions arising about her being single. Loid: No, it's dangerous to be too certain. Loid: What if she was just acting and this was all a lie to get closer to me? Loid: Suspect everything, Twilight. Anya: Papa, Mama is... Loid: What is it? Anya: Mama is... Anya: bad at cooking. Yor: So it was obvious that I made breakfast this morning! Yor: I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Yor: I did do my best. Loid: Ah, by the way, Yor... Yor: Yes? Loid: Er, I just... Loid: I guess putting a listening device on her is going too far. Loid: No, I need to silence any doubts now. Loid: Even a moment's carelessness could mean death. Loid: It could also mean the lives of tens of thousands of people. Loid: I need to do this to prove Yor's innocence. Loid: You've got something on your neck. Yor: Huh? Thank you very much. Yor: That startled me. I thought he was going to give me a kiss goodbye. Anya: Wha?! Yor: I s-still haven't forgotten about last night... Yor: I can't kiss or even cook. Yor: Loid managed to smooth things over last night, Yor: but I'm probably not acting like a proper wife. Yor: I may be imagining it, but Loid seems a bit more distant today. Yor: Maybe he's gotten sick of me being so disappointing. Loid: I need to be on my guard. Loid: What's the matter, Anya? Anya: Mama and Papa need to get along. Loid: W-Well, we aren't fighting or anything. Yor: Th-That's right. Loid: And you make sure you get along with your classmates. Anya: Yep. Loid: We should get going, too. Yor: Oh, right. Loid: Children are so curiously observant at times. First Lieutenant: Hey, Yuri. First Lieutenant: Why are you covered in bandages? First Lieutenant: Didn't you go celebrate your sister's wedding yesterday? Yuri: I don't really remember what happened. First Lieutenant: You probably got drunk and picked a fight with her husband. First Lieutenant: You really need to quit drinking. Yuri: Well, I can't let a guy like that be with my sister. First Lieutenant: Was he that disagreeable? Yuri: I think... Yuri: he was... Yuri: a good guy. Yuri: But con men and spies always try to act like good people. Yuri: That's it! Hopefully he's a spy! Then I can throw him in a cell! First Lieutenant: Calm down. Do you have any proof of this? Yuri: Shit! Yuri: I totally forgot to bug their living room and bedrooms! Yuri: Wait, no! Yuri: If I happened to hear Sis's voice in those situations, Yuri: my heart wouldn't be able to bear it! First Lieutenant: Did you give yourself those injuries? First Lieutenant: You need to detach from your sister so you can concentrate on your work more. First Lieutenant: Our job is to capture First Lieutenant: spies from the West, namely, Twilight. First Lieutenant: Because that will lead to your sister's safety. Yuri: I know that. For now... Yuri: Loid Forger, the day you make my sister cry... Camilla: What's with her? Millie: She said something like, "I'm a failure of a wife." Sharon: Heya. Millie: Oh, Sharon. Sharon: Huh? How do you become a good wife? Sharon: Are you two not getting along? Yor: Well, it's not exactly that... Yor: It's just... This is my first time being with a man in general, Yor: It's just... This is my first time being with a man in general, Yor: so I'm unsure of how to act. Loid: I was curious when I looked into her past connections, Loid: but I guess Yor has really never dated a man before. Yor: I'm worried that things can't go on like this. Yor: It doesn't help that I can't cook. Loid: Anya's words really got to her. Loid: It appears that Yor is trying to seem more wifely for the sake of our pretend family. Loid: No, wait. Loid: She could also be trying to act like the perfect wife to put one over on me. Camilla: It must be rough when your husband is clearly so much better than you. Millie: Why don't you two just call it quits? Yor: Er, I'd like to avoid that. Loid: Yor's relationship with her coworkers seems a bit, er, uh... Section Chief: Hey, you four! Section Chief: Hey, you four! Section chief: Quit yapping and get to work. Camilla: Gah! It's the section chief. Section Chief: Say, Yor... Section Chief: Could you go drop this off at the post office for me? Yor: Yes, sir. Loid: I guess I'll have to make a move if I want to clear the air for good. Yor: Come to think of it, Loid and I have separate bank accounts. Yor: If I contributed a bit of my earnings from my actual job, Yor: would I be able to help Loid out? Yor: But I can't make him suspicious of me, either. Yor: Not to mention, I don't think this was really a financial issue... Fake Lieutenant: You there. I'd like to ask you a few questions. Fake lieutenant: May we have a bit of your time? Yor: Th-The secret police! Yor: D-Did I do something wrong, sir? Yor: Was I being far too suspicious by looking at ads meant for families, Yor: when I'm clearly lacking as a wife? Yor: I-I-I'm married! Fake Second Lieutenant: We're not hitting on you. Franky: What the hell is this?! Franky: You call me outta nowhere and tell me to dress like this Franky: so we can question your wife?! Loid: Just shut up and follow the plan. This is all for my mission. Franky: I've got nothing to do with that! Fake lieutenant: We are inspecting the mail. Fake lieutenant: You just tried to mail this... Fake lieutenant: But it clearly contains a code meant for the West. Fake Lieutenant: Is the sender, Burns, your superior? Yor: Y-Yes. Fake second lieutenant: What is your name? Yor: Yor Bri— Yor: I-It's Yor Forger. Fake second lieutenant: Well, well, well... Yor Forger, eh? Fake second lieutenant: It clearly states your name right here as a collaborator! Fake Lieutenant (Loid): He's really into this. Fake Lieutenant: So you're in cahoots. Yor: I-I have no idea about this. This must be some kind of mistake. Fake Second Lieutenant: You'd be better off if you told the truth. Fake Lieutenant: Speaking of city hall, someone from the finance department was caught the other day. Fake lieutenant: Clearly, the corruption within has spread far and wide. Fake second Lieutenant: I heard he met a pitiful end. Fake second lieutenant: The intense t*rture got to him physically and ment*lly, Fake second lieutenant: and he apparently offed himself in his cell. Fake second lieutenant: And I heard last month, they caught another woman around this chick's age. Fake second lieutenant: You know, that official's secretary. Fake Lieutenant (Loid): What kind of characterization is he going for? Fake lieutenant: Ah, her. Fake lieutenant: She was freed once we found out she had family in State Security Service. Fake second lieutenant: Man, talk about an awesome benefit. Fake second lieutenant: Our family members can be let off the hook of most allegations. Fake lieutenant: Enough talking. You'll be coming with us to the station. Loid: If she's aware that Yuri works for the State Security Service, Loid: this will all be solved as soon as she mentions Yuri's name. Loid: There's no reason for her to be secretive to one of his coworkers, Loid: and if she resists, she'll further make us suspicious. Loid: Come on, Yor. If you're in on this, ask your brother for help. Loid: And if you're not... Yor: I... Yor: work hard every day for the citizens of this country. Yor: I would never participate in espionage! Fake second lieutenant: No use playing dumb with us! Fake second lieutenant: Just shut up and come with— Fake second lieutenant: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Yor: I'm quite certain I mentioned that I was married. Yor: Please do not touch me so casually. Fake lieutenant: You do realize you're putting your family in danger by doing this, don't you? Yor: My younger brother and husband are both kind Yor: and upstanding members of society. Yor: If you ever unjustly harm either of them, Yor: I frankly do not care if I'm dealing with you two. Yor: I will show no mercy! Fake Lieutenant: Hey, Second Lieutenant Mop... Fake lieutenant: Are you certain about this cipher? Fake second lieutenant: What? Of course I'm— Fake second lieutenant: What the?! Fake second lieutenant: Looking closer, this is clearly not the raccoon cipher. Fake second lieutenant: It's the caterpillar cipher! Fake lieutenant: If we decode this message... Fake lieutenant: This is a letter Burns sent to a renowned hemorrhoids doctor. Yor: Huh? Fake lieutenant: I see. He used a cipher because he was embarrassed. Fake lieutenant: How confusing. Fake lieutenant: So, yes, it would appear we had the wrong idea. Fake lieutenant: Your name isn't on here at all. Fake lieutenant: You may leave, but make sure you keep quiet about this for Mr. Burns's sake, too. Franky: Well, that was quite the farce. Franky: Considering how she acted, it's pretty clear she has no connections with the secret police. Franky: Hey, come on. Don't tell me you feel guilty for doubting her. Loid: I don't. Franky: I've warned you about this before, but don't develop unnecessary feelings for her. Franky: If you value your life, don't trust anyone. Franky: We have no other way to survive. Loid: Somehow, it's extremely infuriating to hear those words from that face. Franky: But you made that face! Franky: Damn it! I thought I could land a few chicks with that face on. Franky: My precious hot-guy face! Loid: It's a terrible idea to date a woman while deceiving her. Franky: Did you really just say that? Yor: Today was terribly nerve-wracking. Yor: I was almost arrested, meaning not only would I be ruined as a wife, Yor: but I would've destroyed the Forgers. Loid: Oh, hello, Yor. Yor: Loid... Loid: What a coincidence. Why don't we go home together? Loid: Oh? There's something on your collar again, Yor. Yor: I'm so sorry. Yor: Apparently, I'm such a failure as wife that I can't even keep up proper appearances. Loid: Well, if you ask me, Yor... Loid: Perhaps many families throughout this world are somehow putting on an act, Loid: thinking, "A wife should be like this," or, "You're supposed to be the parent." Loid: Of course, I believe that working hard to be your best self is admirable. Loid: But if you dwell on that so much that you lose yourself, Loid: things that should go well might fall apart. Loid: Many people suffering like that come to my hospital all the time. Loid: Putting on an act all the time can become tiring. Yor: Loid... Loid: And that's why I want you to be as you are, Yor. Loid: The more confident you seem, the less people will suspect anything. Loid: And I'm sure Anya will be happier seeing you smile. Yor: Thank you very much. I... Yor: I'm truly grateful that I married you, Loid! flashback Franky: Don't tell me you feel guilty for doubting her. Yor: What did you just throw away? Loid: Oh, just the lint I found on your collar earlier. Loid: More importantly, Loid: we didn't even do anything to celebrate our one-year wedding anniversary. Loid: Why don't we buy some cake on our way home? Yor: That's a lovely idea! Anya: Papa, Mama! I have returned! Yor: Welcome home, Miss Anya. Loid: What's the matter? Anya: Papa and Mama are getting along! Loid: I told you that we were never fighting to begin with. Yor: We have cake, Miss Anya! Anya: I want some cake! Loid: Hey, now. You're going to bother the people downstairs. Sign: THE GREAT DODGEBALL PLAN

{"type": "series", "show": "Spy \u00d7 Family", "episode": "01x09 - Show Off How in Love You Are"}

foreverdreaming

Instructor: Good morning, Master Henderson. Henderson: Good morning, sir. Henderson: Would you like some tea, as well? Instructor: Yes, I'd love some. Instructor: It's been a while since you were in charge of the grade school kids. Instructor: How are the kids this year? Henderson: I must say, they show promise. Instructor: I heard you had to give one of them a Tonitrus Bolt on their first day. Henderson: True, it was a rather rare occurrence for our prestigious Eden College. Instructor: It's the first time I've heard of it happening, too. Henderson: I only did what was necessary. Henderson: Good deeds shall be praised, Henderson: and misconduct will be met with punishment. Henderson: That is essential to education. Instructor: I have much to learn from you, sir. Henderson: As the elementary students pass through the gates of Eden College Henderson: to learn true elegance every day, our school's traditions shall live on. Henderson: Our house of learning exists to ensure the future of our country is elegant. Ewen: Lord Damian! Ewen: Isn't this your older brother, Lord Damian? Damian: Yes... Ewen: This must be his entrance ceremony! Ewen: He's probably elsewhere in this book, too! Emile: Oh, there he is! Ewen: Ooh! Emile: There he is again! Ewen: And here! He's truly an MVP! Emile: Your brother is just raking in the Stellas! How magnificent! Ewen: But I'm sure you'll become an Imperial Scholar even faster, Lord Damian! Ewen: We all know you'll be the first to get a Stella in our grade! Damian: W-Well, yes. Emile: But we still have a while until our exams. Emile: Your first opportunity will be... Emile: Our P.E. class next week. Emile: We'll be having a dodgeball tournament with the other classes! Ewen: My friend told me something he heard from his friend in Class . Ewen: He said if you become MVP, you can get a Stella! Damian: Really? Emile: This is your chance, Lord Damian! Damian: MVP, eh? Henderson: It is a clear, sunny day. Henderson: Young ladies and gentlemen of Eden, Henderson: you will be adding another page to Eden's history today... Henderson: Elegantly and brilliantly. Damian: Shut up! You picked a fight with me first! Anya: Anya didn't do anything wrong! Becky: Exactly! First off, you— Damian: Shut up, uggo! Becky: Excuse me?! Anya: Shithead. Damian: Shut it, Stubby Legs! Becky: You're not supposed to talk to girls like that! Henderson: Ele...gant. Anya: I have returned! Yor: Welcome home, Miss Anya. Anya: Papa, I have acquired important news! Loid: What? Loid: You may be able to get a Stella at your next P.E. class? Anya: That's what Becky said. Becky: My friend told me something she heard from her friend in Class . Becky: The MVP from the winning class in next week's tournament Becky: will receive a Stella! Loid: So it's a rumor? That seems dubious. Yor: Then we need to train, Miss Anya! Anya: Training! Yor: So what sport will you be playing? Anya: Dodgeball. Yor: Dodgeball... Yor: That's the game where you h*t your opponent with a ball to do them in, right? Loid: "Do them in"? Anya: Mama! Teach me a k*ller move! Yor: Very well! I shall teach you the ultimate k*ller move with a ball. Loid: Are you also athletic, Yor? Yor: Oh, not exactly. Yor: I just used to play catch with my brother sometimes. Yor: I can't tell them I rip people apart and toss them around on a daily basis! Yor: Just leave this to me, Miss Anya! Yor: I'll show you a k*ller move that will help you catch that star! Anya: I will reach for the stars in dodgeball! Anya: Anya will catch the star! Yor: That's the spirit! Loid: I'm glad she's so motivated... but... Anya: Super Anya will catch the star! Yor: Yes! Yor: We'll start with strength training. Yor: One... Yor: Two... Yor: Three... Yor: Four... Death-Defying Sit-ups Yor: Five. Yor: Six. Yor: Stamina is crucial, too. Yor: Miss Anya! Yor: Now, listen carefully. Yor: You're not just using your arms when you throw the ball. Yor: You need to make sure you step out with your foot, Yor: twist your hips as you shift your weight, Yor: channel all of your strength into your shoulder, and... throw! Yor: Okay! Now you give it a try! Yor: Oh, Loid. main: Visualizing the Game Loid: This is training? Loid: I don't really understand how, but I did decide to let Yor handle this. Yor: Miss Anya, please wake up. Yor: Hey! Anya: Hey! Yor: Hah! Anya: Hah! Yor: Hup! Anya: Hup! Yor: Slap! Anya: Slap! Yor: Fwap! Anya: Fwap! Yor: Chwass! Anya: Chwass! Anya: I'm gonna catch that star tomorrow! Anya: I did my best. I survived Mama's ruthless training. Anya: I even thought up a name for my k*ller sh*t. Anya: I'm gonna seize that star! Anya: I'm gonna get lots of stars... Anya: so I can help Papa with his mission! Emile: At least it's clear that you're motivated. Ewen: Just make sure you don't hold Lord Damian back, Stubby Legs. Anya: Second son... and his lackeys. Becky: Why are we playing together with the boys? Becky: Being on the same team with him is the worst. Anya: Second son... The son of Papa's target for this mission. Anya: Good things happen if I become friends with him. Damian: Wh-What are you staring at?! Anya: But he gets really mean, so I don't like him. Damian: Well, I don't have any time to waste on a runt like you, either. Anya: A runt? Damian: I'm going to get MVP in this tournament and be rewarded a Stella. Damian: I need to become an Imperial Scholar just like my brother. Damian: Otherwise... Damian: Father will never notice me. Ewen: Hey, wait, Lord Damian! Henderson: Gather round! Henderson: Your usual P.E. teacher, Bobby, is out sick, so I will be his substitute. Henderson: Do not forget to be proper young men and ladies, Henderson: and execute the most elegant of plays. Students: Yes, sir. Henderson: We will now begin the dodgeball tournament between Class , Cecile Hall, Henderson: and Class , Wald Hall. Henderson: You may now begin! Sign: THE GREAT DODGEBALL PLAN Emile: Let's show them who's boss, Lord Damian. Class mob: You've got this, Damian! Emile: Lord Damian! Ewen: We gathered some intel on Class ! Damian: Good. flashback Damian: In order to be awarded a Stella, you have to become the MVP. flashback Damian: My enemy... flashback Damian: is him! Damian: In order to defeat Class and win this match, first... Damian: we need to defeat him! Damian: The son of a command major, Bill Watkins. Sign: Bill Watkins () Class mob: Nice catch, Bill! Becky: What the heck is that monster?! Becky: There's no way he's our age! Ewen: It's him... Emile: Bazooka Bill! Emile: Because of his obviously blessed physique and brains, Emile: he won awards in all kinds of sports tournaments in kindergarten. Emile: The Monster of Bodam! Becky: Are there even that many tournaments in kindergarten?! Damian: Wearing glasses right now is dangerous, old man. Bill: I humbly thank you for your concern, Damian, son of Chairman Desmond. Bill: But I'll be fine, because that ball won't be hitting me. Bill: Also... Bill: Any hits above the shoulders don't count. Bill: Enemy positions confirmed. Bill: Airflow, humidity... both good. Class mob: Gerf. Class mob: Gah. Henderson: Four hits. Class mob: Wow! Way to go, Bill! Emile: What?! Ewen: Is that even possible?! Damian: Don't panic! That was just a fluke! Bill: Oh, that wasn't a fluke. Bill: When I throw the ball... Bill: Every imaginable detail has been calculated. Bill: We're not just talking simulations. I've trained my body to its limit. Bill: Daddy! Bill's Father: Ah, my son, Bill. Bill: Yes, Daddy? Bill's Father: You will eventually be the hero of Eden, as well as our army. Bill's Father: Make sure you seize those Stellas with your own hands. Bill's Father: For the future of Ostania! Bill: Sir, yes, sir! Bill: Yes... my victory is predetermined. Becky: Um, hello?! We'll die if that actually hits us! Bill: Don't worry. I'll hold back on you women. Becky: Actually, that also pisses me off. Becky: Gurk! Henderson: h*t. Damian: That's some mouth you've got on you. Damian: Do you really think we went into this without a plan, you giant oaf? Damian: You can't win... Damian: at dodgeball all by yourself! Emile: Ow! Emile: You're gonna be the MVP! I just know it! Damian: I'm gonna be the MVP! Damian: Let's do this! Formation G! Emile and Ewen: Right! Henderson: Four hits. Damian: I'm not done yet! Emile: Ultimate... Ewen: ...Shadow... Damian: ...Clone... Damian; Emile; Ewen: ...att*ck! Bill: Shadow clone, eh? Bill: Now, this is what you call... Bill: a real shadow clone att*ck! Emile: Lord Damian... Emile: It was an honor to fight by your side. Ewen: Emile! Emile: I know all kinds of great things about you, Lord Damian. Emile: Though I can't remember a single one right now, I'm sure there was something. Emile: Please win, Lord Damian! Emile: Because you'll always be... Emile: a true MVP in our hearts! Ewen: The forbidden... face block! Ewen: Emile! Ewen: Emile! Hey! Speak to me! Emile: Ewen... you dummy. Don't cry. Ewen: I'm not crying! Emile: It's not the end yet... Emile: So don't give up hope. Ewen: Yeah. I know. I know! Ewen: Once we give up, it's game over— Damian: Damn it! At this rate, we're gonna lose. Damian: I need to find his weakness! Damian: I don't care if the others go down. Damian: I need to somehow survive and stand out! Anya: Second son is a real shithead. Bill: Next up... Bill: we have that little runt over there. Bill: I'm going to aim for... her feet! Bill: Wha— Damian: Hey! He missed! Nice! Out of Bounds Class Student A: Let's get the ball going! Bill: She just... Bill: jumped before I threw the ball! Out of bounds class student B: Take this! Bill: In that case... Bill: I'll aim for her right arm! Bill: Okay, her left! Bill: I guess I'll just have to use my secret w*apon! Bill: This throw will suddenly change its course and nail any opponent scampering about! Bill: Take this! Bill: Homing Slider sh*t! Becky: What was that about holding back on women?! Class student: Blorf! Class student: Blorf! Henderson: h*t. Bill: That's impossible! She's reading my every att*ck! Bill: Who in the world is that girl?! Damian: Hey, not bad... Anya: Heh. Henderson: "Dodgeball," of course, stems from "dodge," Henderson: meaning to swiftly move out of the way. Henderson: Such elegant evasion! Becky: Anya! Look out for the guys out of bounds! Damian: You dummy! Get up, quick! Bill: You were impressive, but even you can't dodge from that position! Bill: Die! Damian: The bastard just threw that ball with everything he has! Damian: It's unfortunate... But in the end, this is her own fault. Damian: Don't worry. I shall survive and lead Class to victory. Henderson: h*t. Ewen: Wh-What are you doing, Lord Damian?! Damian: Oh, no! My chance at MVP! Anya: You protected me? Damian: Huh? Anya: Are you a good guy? Damian: N-N-No! Damian: I was just frustrated that he was taking out our team left and right, Damian: so I tried to catch it... Damian: Damn it all! Damian: You're the only one left. It's in your hands now. Anya: The future is in Anya's hands. Anya: Now is the time to unleash my k*ller sh*t! Yor: Miss Anya, this is my final lesson for you. Yor: The key to throwing a ball well is to put your whole body into the throw. Yor: Think of this ball as an arrow of light! Anya: I won't let your death go to waste, second son. Damian: I'm not d*ad! Anya: I will avenge you! Damian: That power she had when she knocked me out... Damian: She might just be able to... Becky: I have no idea what's going on, but this is intense. Becky: Could it be... Anya: The most important thing is shifting my weight. Anya: The power in my stepand the twisting of my hips Anya: need to go to my widdle hands... Anya: And then my widdle hands... um... um... Anya: Anyway! Anya: k*ller sh*t! Anya: Star Catch Arrow! Bill: Huh? What? Bill: Huh?! Henderson: That's game. Becky: Huh? Class students: Yay! We won! Damian; Ewen; Emile: Huh? Class students: Now you're definitely getting that Stella, Bill! Henderson: Hm? Stella? Henderson: There are no Stella awarded for winning a mere mini-game in a single class. Henderson: Who in the world suggested otherwise? Henderson: On the other hand, you had the nerve to yell something as vile as "die" during the match, Henderson: so I have no issue with giving you a Tonitrus Bolt instead. Class students: Don't worry, Bill! We'll just try harder next time! Class students: We'll have another chance. Henderson: But to think... Henderson: Two students who were at odds with each other worked together to take on this challenge. Becky: Too bad, Anya. But you did great! Henderson: This shows that you are worthy of a Stella, young ladies and gentlemen. Becky: Cheer up! Damian: You can't be serious, you moron! What was that crappy throw?! Damian: I shouldn't have defended you! Anya: Shock! Becky: What's your problem? It's not like you h*t anyone! Anya: Anya doesn't like you after all. Damian: What did you say, Stubby Legs?! Becky: You're not supposed to say stuff like that to girls! Henderson: Or perhaps not. Anya: You really are a shithead. Damian: Huh?! Say that again! Anya: Everything Mama teaches me is useless. Emile and Ewen: Yeah! sign: "STELLA"

{"type": "series", "show": "Spy \u00d7 Family", "episode": "01x10 - The Great Dodgeball Plan"}

foreverdreaming

"STELLA" Bondman's Comrade: Impossible... All of our pursuers are... Bondman: Let's go back to our hideout and regroup. Bondman: I have a bad feeling about this. Bondman's Comrade: No way... Bondman, this can't be happening! Bondman: I can't believe this! Hey, hey! Wake up! Loid: Hey, Anya. Anya: Anya is busy right now. Bondman: This is just awful. Anya: No! I don't wanna study! Loid: Now, hold on. Loid: We made a deal. You agreed to start studying at PM. Anya: You demon! Papa is a demon! Loid: Operation Strix, Phase ... Loid: In order to attend the target's social gathering, Loid: I need to make sure my daughter Anya becomes an Imperial Scholar. Loid: For her to achieve that, she will need to get good grades Loid: and receive Stellas. PROVERBS Loid: How many times do I have to tell you? Loid: That's supposed to be an "E," not an "A." Yor: B-But, Loid-san, her math score here is pretty good. Yor: Well done, Anya-san. Anya: He has two-eighths of his b*ll*ts left! Loid: Is this because of her cartoon? Loid: Oh, that's right. Loid: This proverb is the same one Bondman was saying in episode . Anya: I forgot... Loid: Well, remember! Loid: You know, it's the episode where the guy with the sideburns appeared. Anya: I just happened to mess up my mind-reading cheat on this test. Anya: From now on, I'm gonna spend a lot of time Sign: Good at: ?? Anya: trying to figure out which classmate is good at what subject. Anya: And then I will definitely get perfect scores, Anya: no problem. Anya: I tried sounding like Papa. Loid: It would be easy to make her every score an A+ by using backdoor methods. Loid: But if she suddenly scores that high, Loid: the school and those around her will become suspicious. Loid: In order to make this all seem as natural as possible, Loid: I need to nurture her basic knowledge. Loid: If she ends up being shunned by her classmates, it may affect her life at school. Loid: I can't have her not wanting to go to school. Anya: If I read everyone's minds to get s, they'll all hate me? Adult A: Hey, how do you even know that? Adult B: You creepy little witch! Loid: I guess forcing her to study too much might be a bit rough on her. Loid: If her motivation remains low, her concentration won't improve, Loid: so she'll have a lesser chance of learning. Loid: A change of pace is also important. Loid: There are ways of earning Stella besides academics. Loid: Right, then. Loid: Why don't we take a break from studying and draw? Loid: For example, art. Loid: Hey, that looks really cool! Loid: Is it a cheetah? No, wait... Loid: I bet it's a panda! Anya: It's a moo cow. The one that was at school. Loid: For example, music! Loid: This is a violin for children. Loid: There's always sports! Anya: Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! Loid: Come on, don't cry. Loid: Stay calm, Twilight. Loid: A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Loid: She's still in first grade. Loid: I need to figure out what she has a talent for and help her excel in it. Yor: Why don't we do some jump rope? Yor: It's a lot of fun. Loid: Right. Don't panic. Loid: It's not like Desmond is immediately going to make his move. Loid: It takes an incredible amount of time to begin a w*r. Loid: But... Handler: HQ was estimating that she'd be able to receive eight Stella in about four months. Loid: Do we actually have that much time? Anya: Papa... Anya: Anya will do her best. Anya: Now untie me. Loid: Uh, right. Loid: Anya. Loid: Why don't we go out tomorrow? Anya: An ooting? Loid: Academics, the arts, sports... Loid: But there is actually one other way to earn Stella. Loid: Community service. Head Nurse: Thank you so much for agreeing to volunteer at our hospital today. Head Nurse: I will now go over the duties we'll be asking you to perform. Head nurse: We will have you split up into your families to perform your duties. Loid: In the past, there have been many cases where students Loid: did long-term volunteer work to earn their Stella. Loid: Rescuing others or helping apprehend criminals Loid: were also methods a few used to earn Stella, but rare. Loid: We could use more personnel from HQ to act out these scenarios, Loid: but considering the risks that could entail, we won't be able to easily pull that off. Head nurse: That is what we will be expecting from all of you. Loid: Even if she isn't immediately able to receive any Stella, Loid: it would be beneficial to Anya to learn the importance of community service. Head nurse: Now, if I can have the Forgers clean this dressing room. Anya: There's a pool! Loid: Yes, for physical therapy. Head nurse: Maybe cleaning was a bit difficult for you. Head nurse: Then let's have you organize books in the library. Nurse A: Excuse me, sir, could you do something about... that? Nurse A: Could you go work somewhere else? Anya: Anya is bored with chores. Anya: I wanna do the job where I give the doctors their scalpels. Loid: Huh? Anya: I'mma go to the operating room! Loid: Hey! Stop that! Come back here! Head nurse: We've had enough of your "help"! Please leave! Anya: Papa, I'm sorry. Loid: Don't worry about it. Everyone fails sometimes. Loid: But what do we do if our chances of earning Stella through community service also dry up? Ken: Hey, is physical therapy hard? Female swim instructor: It is, Female swim instructor: but you need to work hard so that you can run again. Ken: Man... Male swim instructor: Three more minutes. Ken: Hey, is the water in the pool cold? Female swim instructor: Don't worry about that. Go on, get changed. Female swim instructor: I'll go get changed, too. Male swim instructor: All right, one, two. One, two. One, two. Ken: I wonder if that's the adult pool... Male swim instructor: Focus on your toes. Male swim instructor: One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two. Ken: Man... it really is kinda cold. Male swim instructor: You're almost there! One, two. One, two. Female swim instructor: Ken? Female swim instructor: Huh? Is he still changing? Loid: Hmm... I might have to ask HQ to reconsider our game plan. Ken: C-Can't... breathe... Ken: My legs... won't move... Anya: The pool! Anya: Papa! Loid: What is it? You just went to the bathroom, didn't you? Anya: Someone's drowning in the pool! Loid: What?! How do you know that? Loid: Exactly who are you?! Ken: Help me... Help me... Anya: Papa... Anya: Anya is terrible at volunteering. Anya: So I... Anya: I'm gonna become a pro swimmer and get stars, Anya: so I'm gonna go practice in the pool! Loid: What?! Come back here! That's not a public pool! Female swim instructor: Ken! Female swim instructor: He must've snuck out. Female swim instructor: Hey! Female swim instructor: Where are your parents? Anya: Wow! The pool! How fun! Patient A: What's that about? Anya: Where is the drowning person? Ken: I'm... Ken: I'm... gonna die... Female swim instructor: What are you doing, little girl?! Anya: Anya... can't... anymore... Loid: Hey, are you two all right? Female swim instructor: Ken! Anya: Papa... Female swim instructor: Someone get a doctor! Anya: I tried to swim and found this boy sinking. Female swim instructor: Ken! Female swim instructor: Are you all right? Female swim instructor: Ken! Loid: Calm down, miss. Male swim instructor: Is everything okay? Female swim instructor: Ken! Ken! Patient A: But there were so many people around. Patient B: Did you hear anything? Female swim instructor: I'm so sorry! I had no idea you were drowning! Loid: It was a drowning response. Loid: Children tend to drown more quietly than you would expect. Loid: Many die because no one notices they're drowning. Loid: Please make sure you keep your eye on him. Loid: And good job for noticing. Anya: I saw bubbles. Loid: And you should be careful, too. Female swim instructor: Thank you! Thank you! Patient B: Well done, little girl! Instructor: First-year student from the Cecile Dorm, Anya Forger, Instructor: has earned a Stella for rescuing a boy. Becky: You're amazing, Anya! Becky: You're the first of the first graders to get one! Becky: I'm so proud of you for some reason. Henry: Ultra-amazingly elegant, Miss Forger. Becky: Well done, Anya! Damian: She b*at me. Yor: You're amazing, Miss Anya! Truly amazing! Yor: I'm so happy for you! Loid: She unexpectedly earned a Stella. Loid: An excellent result, Loid: but how do I describe this? Loid: It's similar to how I feel when I've thwarted a t*rror1st att*ck. Loid: I'm so proud of her. Loid: Well done. Anya: Anya's powers actually helped someone? Anya: Eheh! Yor: All right, then. I'm going to make you a feast today. Anya: Anya wants Papa to cook. Stella needed to become an Imperial Scholar: Tonitrus Bolts until expulsion: Everyone's respect: + Yor: Shock! Handler: I heard that your daughter earned a Stella, Agent Twilight. Loid: Yes, Handler. She somehow managed it. Handler: Couldn't we set things up with other agents Handler: to fake whatever you need to get the other Stella? Loid: People would get suspicious. Loid: More importantly, we can't take risks that could potentially Loid: expose the identities of other agents or get them arrested. Handler: Yes, you've got a point. Loid: Is HQ panicking a bit? Handler: No. Handler: But there are numerous businesses surrounding Desmond Handler: that seem to be engaging in shady financial dealings lately. Handler: We can't be too laid back in this situation. Handler: Try to make contact with Desmond immediately. Handler: Give your daughter some candy or something to get her motivated. Girl student A: Morning! Girl student B: Did you see that thing yesterday? Boy student A: I forgot my homework! Anya: Heh. Boy student A: Hey, is that her? The girl from Class that suddenly got a Stella? Boy student B: Apparently it's a new record. Girl student A: I heard she rescued someone. Anya: This star is just so brilliant that I stand out now. Boy student A: Really? Anya: Heh. Becky: Good morning, Anya! Anya: Tsk, tsk, tsk. Anya: Call me "Starlight Anya." Becky: Uh... Sure. Becky: You're totally like a celebrity now. Becky: Everyone looks up to you. Becky: You might even make a hundred friends! Anya as Damian: Bam! Anya as Damian: I totally see you in a new light, Miss Anya! Be my friend! Anya as Damian: You should totally come over to my place with your dad! Anya as Loid: Bam! Anya as Loid: Well done, Anya! The mission is now a success! Narrator: And so the world was at peace. Damian: Don't get a big head. Becky: What's their problem? Ugh! They make me so mad! Anya: That didn't go as planned. The world is in peril. Becky: Let's go, Anya. Becky: Let's go, Starlight Anya. Anya: Yup. Becky: Ugh, what a pain. Boy student C: Ha. That's hilarious. Boy student D: Who does she think she is? Boy student D: She keeps showing off her stupid badge. Boy student C: Who actually comes to school wearing it? Girl student C: Who would believe such a violent girl actually rescued someone? Girl student D: They say she saved a kid from drowning, Girl student D: but she probably kicked him in and let him sink herself. Girl student C: Oh, I could totally see that! Girl student D: What if she actually paid the school a bunch of money for her Stella? Girl student E: What? She doesn't look {/i}that{/i} rich to me. Anya: Shock... Becky: Don't even worry about it. They're all just jealous. Girl student F: Hey, Damian. Wouldn't you agree? Girl student G: She totally cheated, didn't she? Damian: Do you really think we go to some third-rate school Damian: that would hand out Stella by mistake?Or because someone was being underhanded? Damian: Is that what you think? Girl student F: Uh, no... Damian: If you've got a problem with our school, Damian: why don't you take the transfer exam for another one? Ewen: He's so manly at times like this. Emile: Gosh, he's cool. Damian: The fact that she didn't cheat is why I'm so mad that this little shrimp got ahead of me. Becky: Maybe he's more earnest than he looks. Instructor: Let's begin class. Becky: By the way, Becky: have you decided what your reward's going to be, Becky: An—Starlight Anya? Anya: Reward? Becky: Of course! Whenever you work really hard on tests or contests, Becky: you're supposed to get a reward. Anya: You mean I can get peanuts? Becky: Come on, you should ask for something way more expensive. Becky: After the test we had the other day, Becky: I got them to buy me a cute little dress and a tiara! Becky: But I mean... Becky: I guess they haven't given me that much. Anya: Is your family part of a secret organization that pulls the world's strings? Becky: What are you talking about? They run a perfectly legitimate company. Anya: Then Anya wants a castle. Becky: That might be asking for too much. Becky: Where would you even put it? Anya: Then... Anya: A year's worth of peanuts? Becky: That shouldn't be a problem at all, but is that really what you want? Anya: Rewards are difficult. Becky: Well... I think the reward that made me the happiest is my little Wiesel. Becky: Oh, that's my puppy! It's the cutest! Becky: Come here, Weezy! Anya: Mister Dog? Anya: Do you have a dog, too, Second Son? Damian: Huh? A dog? Becky: What are you asking that jerk for? Damian: Max! Damian: Who cares? Damian: Don't talk to me! Anya: Anya has a doggy now, too. Anya as Damian: All right! Let's see who's cuter, yours or my Max! Anya as Damian: Bring it over to my place! And your dad, too! Anya as Donovan: Well, hello, Mr. Forger. Anya as Loid: Let's stop this w*r, Mr. Desmond. Narrator: And so the world was at peace. Anya: Heh. Loid: You want a dog... as a reward? Anya: Mm-hm. Anya: Having a dog will bring peace. Loid: Peace? Like peace of mind? Loid: Hmm... Well, I was thinking of buying you something. Yor: Miss Anya... Yor: Taking care of a living creature requires a lot of work. Yor: It is a very big responsibility! Anya: Responsibility... Loid: A dog, huh? Yeah... Loid: Let's discuss this a bit further. Yor: Loid... Anya: Papa! Loid: A properly trained dog may prove useful in securing this house. Yor: Dogs are so violent, though. Yor: I'm so terribly worried that one might rip Miss Anya to shreds. Anya: Anya would like a cute puppy, please, Papa. Anya: A tiny one. Loid: Huh? Sure, all right. Loid: Ah, well. I'm sure we can find a small dog that's still capable. Loid: I'll see if HQ can get us one later. Loid: All right. Why don't we go to a pet shop this weekend? Smuggler A: We get a buyer yet? Smuggler B: Things are pretty tough right now. Smuggler B: We got some punks who think they're revolutionaries. Smuggler A: What, they gonna use 'em as b*mb dogs? Smuggler A: These little guys sure have it rough, Smuggler A: getting tinkered with just so they can end up as toys for some humans. Smuggler B: Shut up! If you want food, quit yer yappin'! Smuggler A: They sure don't look that smart. Smuggler A: Do Numbers Three and Five look weaker to you? Smuggler B: Hell if I know. Who cares? Smuggler A: God, it always reeks in here. Smuggler B: Yeah, let's get the hell outta here. Anya: Anya wants this one... Anya: Or this one! Yor: Oh, thank goodness. They look very weak. PENGUIN PARK

{"type": "series", "show": "Spy \u00d7 Family", "episode": "01x11 - Stella"}

foreverdreaming

Narrator: The capitol of Ostania, Berlint. Narrator: This old woman is a contact for Westalis's intelligence agency, WISE. Narrator: This man's name is Loid Forger, Narrator: otherwise known by his code name, Twilight. Narrator: His occupation: spy. Narrator: It appears as though, on top of the current important mission he is conducting, Narrator: he's been given another. Old woman: This has been my life for decades now. Old woman: Every day remains the same, and peace is fleeting. Old woman: Will we ever see a day Old woman: when we're not needed anymore? Loid: Mission complete. Contact: Good day, or perhaps, good evening, Twilight. Contact: We thank you for completing that mission so quickly. Contact: How goes Operation Strix? Narrator: That is his top-priority mission to maintain peace between the East and the West. Narrator: That mission... Loid: It's going smoothly. Loid: I have secured both a wife and child. Narrator: ...is meant to bring the enemy country's plans for w*r to light, Narrator: establish a family in said country, and infiltrate a certain academy. Contact: Very good. Not standing out is an iron-clad rule for a spy. Contact: Continue acting as a completely mundane family. Loid: I know. Contact: Did you quit smoking? Loid: Well, I have a child now. Narrator: And thus, the Forgers came to be without issue, but... Yor: Loid did mention that he was going to be late, Yor: so why don't we eat out tonight? Anya: Yep. Yor: Doctors sure are busy. It must be difficult. Anya: Papa is not actually a doctor. Narrator: His daughter, Anya, whom he just happened to adopt from an orphanage... Anya: Papa's real job is a spy. Anya: Today, he went to take down an arms dealer. Narrator: ...is an Esper who can read minds. Anya: I bring you my dish! Yor: Thank you very much, Miss Anya. Yor: Hmm... It's just not washing off... Narrator: His wife, Yor, who agreed to this arrangement because of a common interest... Yor: I can still smell the blood from yesterday's k*ll. Narrator: ...is a hardcore assassin. Narrator: A spy, a telepath, and an assassin. Narrator: The three decided to live under one roof Narrator: for their own reasons while concealing their true identities, Narrator: and so their less-than-mundanefamily life continues on. sign___OPERATION_STRIX: ,PENGUIN PARK Loid: I keep getting all these extra missions every day, on top of Operation Strix. Loid: HQ must be in dire straits over the personnel shortage. Loid: When I get home, I have my pretend family to deal with. Loid: I am an agent. Therefore, my soul has no time to rest. Wife A: Hey, don't you think the husband across the hall must be in trouble? Wife A: It's supposed to be a day off, but he's working late into the night again. Loid: They're our neighbors... Wife B: And they have a little child. That poor, neglected thing. Wife C: I rarely see the three of them together. Wife B: He's probably off cheating somewhere! Wife B: How awful! Wife A: Maybe he actually got fired, and he can't bring himself to go home. Loid: I was careless. Loid: I was so consumed by my other missions Loid: that I neglected playing the role of the father well. Loid: Even the slightest suspicion or mistrust from those around us in a deception operation Loid: can be detrimental. Loid: I must do everything I can to remedy this situation. Loid: A thr*at to our family is a thr*at to the world! Loid: We're going out next weekend! Loid: The three of us will have a good time. Where do we want to go? Loid: Oh? Is that a penguin, Anya? Loid: I know. Let's go to the aquarium. Yor: Um... You seem exhausted. Why not get some rest? Loid: Yor, in order for our pretend marriage to continue, Loid: we must do everything we can to seem like a normal, happy family. Loid: So look forward to the weekend! Anya: So exciting! Loid: I need to take care of all of my other missions before then. Loid: Well... let's go. Yor: Loid, perhaps you really should get some rest. Loid: I'm perfectly fine. Wife C: Oh, if it isn't the Forgers. Wife C: It's so rare to see all of you together. Loid: We're about to go enjoy some time together at the aquarium. Loid: Isn't that exciting, Anya? Wife D: I see... Loid: We need to show our neighbors what a happy family we are Loid: so they don't ever suspect that we're a pretend family. Anya: My papa, who is taking us on an ooting, Anya: and my mama, who is very kind to my papa, are both very good people. Anya: I think our family is completely normal. Loid: That sounded more like an explanation than anything else, but good enough. Loid: Now, then... Loid: If you'll excuse us. Anya: Please wait, Papa, who is a very good and normal person! Anya: Ba-donk ka-chonk! Loid: Another summons? I have a bad feeling about this. Loid: I'm going to go buy us some drinks. Yor: All right. Old woman: Agent Twilight, we've got another additional mission for you tod— Loid: I cannot. Old Woman: This is straight from WISE HQ— Loid: I cannot. Today is a very important day for Operation Strix. Anya: Papa! Anya: We need to hurry, or the aquarium will go out of business! Loid: Don't worry, they just remodeled the place. Loid: Just wait patiently. Loid: There you have it. Loid: Anyway, I'll take one coffee, one juice— Old woman: Hang on! Did you say "aquarium"? Old woman: Splendid, Agent Twilight. Old woman: The location of this mission just happens to be Berlint Aquarium! Old woman: I am blown away at how prepared you are! Loid: No, really. This was a coincidence. Loid: Could I get that coffee and juice now? Old woman: There will be some intel traded at the aquarium— Loid: My coffee and juice, please. Old woman: Listen to me carefully, Twilight. Old woman: This intel contains instructions from another country for making a new chemical w*apon. Old woman: If t*rrorists get their hands on this information, Old woman: many will perish in our country! Anya: So many... fishies! Anya: An octopus! Anya: Starfish. Anya: A tiny shark! Yor: She looks like she's having fun. Yor: Loid... Yor: You look so pale. Are you all right? Loid: I ended up taking the mission. Loid: But we did successfully show the neighbors how well we get along. Loid: As long as I can get through this separate mission... Wife A: Oh, if it isn't the Forgers from across the hall. Wife A: What a coincidence. Yor: Oh, hello. Loid: You can't... be serious! Wife A: We just got here, too. Loid: Now I definitely can't relax. Loid: Actually, we just need to shoo them off, and— Yor: Would you like to join us? Loid: Yor! Wife A: What a great idea. Anya: Papa is funny. Yor: If we want to appear normal, Yor: we need to keep up a good relationship with our neighbors. Loid: Very well, then. Loid: I'll take care of this mission immediately, and then return to weekend mode. flashback Old woman: According to our intel, Old woman: they smuggled in a capsule containing film by making a penguin swallow it. Loid: Why a penguin? Old woman: It was brought in sometime yesterday at an unknown time. Old woman: The recipient has not appeared yet. Old woman: You must retrieve the goods before the enemy organization does, no matter what! Loid: Why don't we check out the penguin exhibit?It seems to be the main attraction. Wife A and B: Okay. Anya: I like penguins! I wanna see! Announcer: Welcome to the world's biggest penguin park! Anya: P-P-P-Penguins! Announcer: Our most recommended attraction at this aquarium Announcer: is our adorable underwater show that stars penguins! Loid: Exactly which penguin is my target? Loid: There's no time to check each and every penguin. Loid: I'd have a better chance of stopping the t*rror1st from obtaining the film... Loid: No... Since I don't know when the recipient is going to show up, Loid: that'll be difficult, as well. Loid: I won't be able to keep an eye on all of these penguins alone. Loid: What am I going to do? Loid: There has to be something... Loid: They must've marked the penguin somehow to tell it apart from the others. Anya: Papa is troubled. Yor: Loid is so enthusiastic. I guess he lets his inner child out sometimes, too. Man's voice A: Hey, that fish looks tasty. Woman's voice: Wait, where did my kid go?! Man's voice B: I hope my girlfriend stops being so angry. Penguin's voice A: Fish... Anya: It's hard to read the minds of penguins. Penguin's voice B: Let's play. Penguin's voice C: I'mma eat some fish. Penguin's voice D: I'm hungry. Penguin's voice E: Come over here. Anya: Papa, that penguin looks like it can't breathe. Loid: It's drinking a lot of water only to spit it all back out. Loid: It's possible there's something stuck in its throat. Loid: This is definitely worth investigating. Loid: Sorry. I'm going to go buy some drinks real quick. Yor: Loid... His exhaustion must be making him so thirsty. Chief: Hey! Where's the new guy we're supposed to get today? Chief: He's this late on his first day? Loid: Sorry I'm late! Chief: What's wrong with you young'uns today? Chief: I'll show you how to feed the penguins. Follow me. Loid: Yes, sir! Loid: The fastest way to get closer to the target penguin without causing a commotion Loid: is to disguise myself as one of the aquarists. Sign: Agent Twilight's Specialty: Disguises Chief: The first thing a newbie has to learn is all of the penguins' faces and names. Chief: Did you memorize the roster? Loid: Yes. I glanced through it quickly in the staff room. Chief: You glanced through? You moron! Chief: Even with me, it took two years to learn all ... Loid: Oh, Chief. You're about to step on poor Petilda behind you. Chief: This is indeed Petilda. Loid: This one is Pemas, and this is Pescar. Chief: How can you tell, newbie? Loid: Huh? Well, all of their patterns are completely different. Loid: Their faces and heights, too. Chief: Even I still mistake them every once in a while. Chief: I can't believe this guy's observation skills and memory. Chief: All right, then. Let's get to feeding them. Chief: This way. Loid: The penguin I spotted earlier is... Loid: Right there. Parles, the emperor penguin. Loid: I need to get to him immediately and... Loid: Wh-Wha?! Loid: I-I can't go any further. Chief: We've got big eaters and fussy eaters. Chief: Each penguin has unique eating habits, so pay attention. Loid: I don't have time for this. Loid: I need to hurry back, or the neighbors will be suspicious. Loid: Chief! Loid: Allow me to do the honors! Chief and Aquarist: What? Loid: I figured this out watching veteran aquarists... Loid: The most important thing is how each penguin eats. Loid: How much they eat, what kind of food it is, Loid: and where each group is located. Loid: As long as I can figure these things out... Loid: Controlling the masses is mere child's play. Chief: That's no ordinary newbie! Loid: Uh-oh. Apparently Parles isn't very hungry. Loid: He might be sick, so I'll take him to the treatment room. Loid: If you'll excuse me for a bit. Chief: S-Sure... Loid: Sorry, little guy. Loid: Bingo! There's something stuck in his throat. Loid: Upon closer observation, it seems there's a mark on the bottom of his foot, too. Loid: Just a second, little guy. I'll get it out for you. Man from Org: You there. Man from Org: What are you planning to do with that penguin? Loid: He's not feeling well, so I'm taking him to the treatment room. Man from Org: I see. Allow me to do that for you. Loid: I'm terribly sorry. Only staff are allowed to handle them. Man from Org: My apologies. Man from Org: I'm a professor from Berlint University's marine biology research lab. Man from Org: I'm in charge of the marine animals here. Loid: This ID is fake. Loid: It's not even well-made. Man from Org: Who do you work for, you— Loid: You're not getting away! Loid: Hey, be still! Chief: Hey, newbie! Chief: Where are you taking that penguin? Chief: The treatment room is that way! Loid: I can't carelessly let him go without knowing how many enemies are here. Loid: My top priority is retrieving this film. Loid: I'll have to give up on chasing after him. Yor: Oh, no... Now where did Miss Anya run off to? Man from Org: I need to let my comrades outside know to k*ll that man, Man from Org: and retrieve the film— Man from Org: Who the hell are you?! Anya: Mama! I'm being kidnapped! Yor: Miss Anya?! Man from Org: Let go of me! Man from Org: What are you talking ab— Yor: What do you think... Yor: you're doing to my daughter?! Anya: Wow. Yor: Are you all right? Yor: Oh, no. I definitely overdid it. Yor: I hope he's not d*ad... Loid: Wow. Narrator: And so, Twilight was able to retrieve the film Narrator: and get information about the enemy organization from the man they captured. Wife A: You know, your husband hasn't come back at all. Wife A: I'm telling you, he's cheating! Wife: How awful! Yor: Huh? That's not... Loid: I'm sorry I took so long! Yor: Loid! Loid: Ta-da! Anya: A penguin! Yor: Oh, what a big stuffed penguin! Where did you get it? Loid: It was a prize from the penguin name-guessing challenge they were doing over there. Loid: I just had to get it for Anya, so I kept trying over and over. Loid: Boy, it sure was difficult. Anya: Papa is a liar. He actually got it in one try. Yor: He got so worked up. How adorable. Wife A: You're a better father than I thought. Wife A: I'm impressed. Loid: You flatter me. Loid: I'm just a simple father trying not to stumble around too much Yor: It's bigger than you, Miss Anya. Loid: as I protect my happy little family. Wife A: Now that I've gotten a closer look at you, you're quite handsome. Loid: Looks like things are going to work out here, too. Loid: But I'm absolutely done with all this excessive overwork. Loid: I'm going to file a complaint to HQ and request a long vaca— Loid: No... Loid: Maintaining a world where children don't cry... Loid: A world with no w*r... Loid: That is my duty. Loid: I have no time to stand by idly. Anya: Papa! The dolphin show is gonna start! Loid: Sorry, could you walk a little slower? Newbie aquarist: What?! You want me to be the chief?! Newbie aquarist: But why?! Chief: I have nothing more to teach you. Chimera (Anya): I am Director Chimera, the boss of the secret organization P. Chimera: So you're the new recruit, eh? Penguin (Anya): I am called Penguin, please, and I come from the aquarium. Penguin: It is a pweasure to meet your acquaintenance. Chimera: Indeed. Chimera: Agent Anya, you know what to do. Anya: Yep! Chimera: We have a ritual in which we both eat the halves of a split peanut. Chimera: Once you have completed this task, Chimera: you will be officially recognized as a member of this organization. Anya: Om... Chimera: Starting today, you will be known as Agent Penguinman. Chimera: Do your best for peace. Penguin: Yep. Chimera: Agent Anya, show our new agent around our hideout. Anya: Okey-dokey! Anya: This is our hideout's command room. Anya: We gather intel from this machine every day. Sign: * She watches cartoons Anya: This is Agent Papa. He is a super-elite that can do anything. Loid: Um... what? Is she pretending to be a spy? Anya: This is Agent Mama. Anya: She's strong, but fails at everything else. Yor: Am I that much of a failure?! Anya: They are Anya's trusted lackeys. Anya: Okay, onward to the next spot. Yor: It looks like Miss Anya has taken quite a liking to that plushie. Loid: Mm... Anya: This is the bathroom! Anya: You can heal your wounds from battle here. Anya: This is Anya's room. I train in here every day. She studies Anya: And... Anya: The most top-secret spots in our hideout. Anya: Papa's room and Mama's room! Anya: Be on your guard. Anya: If you discover the secret of these rooms, you won't leave alive. Anya: We might find the ultimate Kn*fe, or the ultimate b*mb! Anya: Now, then... Loid: Hey! What do you think you're doing?! Loid: How many times have I told you not to go in there without permission?! Loid: Er, it's just, there's a lot of dangerous things in there, like scissors and heaters. Loid: Honestly, there are far more dangerous things in there. Yor: Yes, you shouldn't go in mine, either. Yor: My room has poisoned needles and such. Anya: Papa and Mama, I hate you both! Anya: Anya's gonna run away from home! Loid: Not good. At this rate, Operation Strix is going to collapse! Loid: What should I do? Loid: A-Agent Anya! Loid: There's no time for crying! World peace is on the line! Loid: L-Let's wrap up the tour of the hideout and head out for our next mission! Yor: Y-Yes! Let's go b*at the bad guys! Anya: Okay! Follow me, you two! Anya: The bad guys have taken over the candy store on nd Street. Anya: Let's go save them! Loid and Yor: Huh? Anya: Be careful. Anya: The enemy might have set traps. Loid: W-Well done, Agent Anya. Townsperson : What is that? Townsperson : Aw, what a sweet family. Loid: A spy must not stand out... Narrator: Later on, Anya's mood improved after they bought her a snack, Narrator: and peace was restored to the Forger household.

{"type": "series", "show": "Spy \u00d7 Family", "episode": "01x12 - Penguin Park"}

foreverdreaming

Neil Degrasse Tyson: From the American Museum of Natural History in New York City and beaming out across all of space and time, this is StarTalk, where science and pop culture collide. [applause] I'm your host, Neil deGrasse Tyson. I'm an astrophysicist right here at this museum, where I also serve as director of the Hayden Planetarium. And we're here in the Hall of the Universe of the Rose Center for Earth and Space. And I'm gonna first introduce my co-host. Leighann Lord, professional comedienne! Leighann Lord: Hey! Tyson: Welcome! Lord: Thank you! [applause] Tyson: No stranger to StarTalk? Lord: No, not at all. Tyson: Yeah. Well, today I want to talk a little bit about Star Trek and its legacy. Lord: Yes! Tyson: Oop, there she goes. Yup. Lord: Sorry. Yes. Tyson: 'Cause I knew in advance you had some Trekkie flowing through you. Lord: Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Tyson: You love you some Star Trek. Lord: I do. There's a couple of restraining orders out there. You know, so. Tyson: Well, you know who our, who we're featuring, my interview. George Takei. Lord: I know! Tyson: Yeah? Oh, my God! Lord: I'm so excited, I'm so excited! Tyson: I know some Star Trek stuff. And, and, and not, not like what you do. But also, sometimes I got to reach for my homie on this. Okay? I've got a friend and a colleague. Lord: Okay. Tyson: Who knows everything about everything that's not otherwise astrophysics. But he's also an astrophysicist. Lord: Nice. Tyson: He's my go-to man for all these kinds of occasions. Give me some love for Professor Charles Liu! Charles Liu! [applause] There he goes. Charles liu: Hi. Tyson: He's a professor of astronomy and physics at College of Staten Island, the CUNY system. Liu: Yes, Neil, you have only the slightest inkling of how happy I am to be here today. George Takei is the man. Lord: Yeah. Tyson: He's the man. Liu: He is the man. Tyson: The man. Lord: Right. Tyson: So, he came to my office. And you know, just how does he get the gig? Right? How do they assemble this? Lord: Yes, yes. Tyson: So, so we get a little bit of Star Trek prehistory in this clip. George Takei: It was a very strange interview. Because when you're going up for what could be a running part in a series, you have a whole group, a team of people interviewing you. Network people, advertising people, studio. Tyson: Right, 'cause you're not a one-off character. Takei: Right. Tyson: They're marrying you for this. Takei: Exactly. It's the marriage, uh... Tyson: Tribunal. Takei: And I was prepared for that. When I walked into Gene Roddenberry's office, first of all, he mispronounced my surname. He called me Takai. But I corrected that. I said, my name is pronounced Takei. But I don't object to Takai, because that's a Japanese word that means expensive. And he said, oh, my goodness. [laughter] You're definitely Takei. And I told him Takei doesn't mean cheap either. Tyson: Gene Roddenberry, creator of Star Trek. Takei: Creator of Star Trek. Producer, writer, a visionary. Tyson: All-around creative guy. Takei: Creative guy, and with a vision of what we could be. Tyson: And I think they sent his ashes to the moon or something? Takei: No, not to the moon, to orbit. Tyson: Just to orbit. So he's made it into space. Takei: He's still out there. And Jimmy Doohan had his ashes sent out there, too. Tyson: Okay. Takei: But I guess he wasn't quite in orbit, because he fell back down to New Mexico. [laughter] Gene Roddenberry really deserves and should be up there. Because Star Trek was more than just... He felt that television, you know, it certainly needs to entertain. But it also needs to inform and inspire. Tyson: Did you know this at the time? At the time, are you just doing television, or are you saying to yourself, this is some good [bleep] going down here? This is, whoa. Because the show did get cancelled, after. Takei: Right, right. But I knew that it was... Tyson: The Kardashians went longer than the original Star Trek. Takei: Yeah, but we, on Star Trek we had the Cardassians. [laughter] Tyson: That's right. Forgot about that. Takei: We talked about books we had read, movies that we liked, current events, issues, you know. We had a wonderful, engaging conversation. He described the show. And it was thrilling. That vision that he had. Starship Enterprise. A metaphor for starship Earth. And the strength of the starship lay in its diversity. Coming together and working in... Tyson: Nobody was thinking that back then. Takei: Nobody was thinking that. I mean, you know, minorities weren't... Tyson: In anything. Takei: No, no. I mean, to have Nichelle as a chief communications officer. A woman, and a black woman at that. An Asian man. Well, you know, there are Asian chauffeurs. That's, but nevertheless. A crack technician and a member of the leadership team. Half alien, pointy-eared, you know. Bi-species, not biracial. Tyson: Mm-hmm. Takei: That kind of vision of the future. Tyson: There he is. He gets his gig after the interview. Liu: You know, he actually was the helmsman of the Enterprise. So in a sense, he was the chauffeur. Lord: Oh-ho! [laughing] Liu: I'm just saying. Tyson: That was his actual title. That was his formal title. Liu: Well, the bottom line is that even though there was an expansion of wisdom and understanding and diversity in that show, there were still some things that could not yet be broken at that point. Right around the same time that Star Trek was running, you know, one of its great competitors on TV, The Green Hornet. Tyson: I remember The Green Hornet. Liu: And guess who was the chauffeur. Tyson: That was... Liu: Bruce... Tyson: Bruce Lee? Liu: Lee. Tyson: Bruce Lee. Liu: Yes. Tyson: Asian chauffeur. But he could still kick your ass. Liu: Oh. Hey, that's one of the few things that Asians were allowed to do on TV back then. Right? Tyson: What intrigues me is that the opening, the now-famous opening lines. Let me read them to you. Sorry, I don't have them committed to memory. 'Space, the... ' With pantomime by Charles Liu. [laughter] Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. ♪ Ooooooooh ♪ So here's the thing. This is a five-year mission; the show only lasted three years. Liu: Yes. Tyson: So what's up with that? Lord: Listen, if you don't ask, you don't get. They had to put it out there. Liu: Roddenberry was trying for five years, I'm sure. Lord: 100 episodes? Who doesn't want that? Liu: But you know what happened? He was beaten out by Batman, The Green Hornet, other shows that were more popular at the time, but didn't have the kind of lasting legacy that some far-looking, ar-reaching show like a science fiction show would have. Tyson: So one of the features of it, which you alluded to, but let's, like, get in there, was in spite of George Takei being the chauffeur. Liu: Yeah. Tyson: If you had to be a chauffeur, let it be of the starship Enterprise. Liu: Darn tootin'. Tyson: I'm just saying. There's this diversity of crew. A little bit from everywhere, essentially everywhere. Or as everywhere as could possibly be represented in 1960s television. So this is an extraordinary construct, an extraordinary step to take. Lord: You know, it's funny, you say it's extraordinary, but for me this was normal. Tyson: Oooh. Lord: Which I guess means it did its job. Like, that's what TV's supposed to look like to me. Tyson: Yeah, that was very not what it was looking like... Lord: Oh, I know. Tyson: ... in the day. Lord: Yeah, I know, and I got that in retrospect. Tyson: Yeah. Liu: And one thing we should all remember also was that Gene Roddenberry used a large number of excellent science fiction writers to write his scripts. Many of his plots were based on classic short stories in science fiction as well. So in a sense, he was looking forward, as science fiction often does, to a future which could either be much worse or much better than the present time. Tyson: And part of this combination of ethnicities and skin colors, that's part of a philosophy that he put forth that permeates through the scripts, through the casting, through everything. Even to the point where Spock himself is a half alien, half human. Lord: Half Vulcan. Tyson: Is Vulcan not alien? Lord: Yeah, but you said it like it was a bad thing. [laughter] TYSON: Okay. So Spock has a pin that he wears, that is this combination of geometric forms, and different... Lord: Different textures, yes. Tyson: Different textures, which is the iconic emblematic representation of this philosophy. Lord: Right, and the idea is that when you bring in all these different elements, it creates something beautiful. Tyson: And lasting. Lord: And lasting. Lord: So there's truth and beauty in that symbol. Liu: By understanding that, we can slowly but surely bring ourselves to a better nature. Tyson: And there were Star Trek episodes, almost to a topic, every one of these. Liu: Absolutely. Oh, the famous one, 'Let That Be Your Last Battleground, ' where there was one half of the face was black and the other was white. And they hated each other, because one was black on the left side, and one was black on the right side. Now critics, like me, think that was a... Tyson: And that was during the Civil Rights movement. Liu: Oh, absolutely. Tyson: And the Vietnam w*r. Liu: Yes. Extremely important. Tyson: All of this. Tyson: What a backdrop this was. Liu: Yeah. Tyson: So if we're hardwired for stereotypes, that makes it very hard. Liu: Very hard. Tyson: To overcome. Tyson: And you look at the struggles during the Civil Rights movement, the Women's Lib movement, the Gay Rights movement. Each of these in some way represents... Liu: An addition... Tyson: ... to overcome. Liu: Precisely. Tyson: Overcome what we somehow... Lord: We're constantly fighting ourselves. Liu: That's right. It was a message that lasted. And that was Star Trek. Tyson: When we come back, we're going to learn of an episode in George Takei's past. In his childhood, where what he experienced was the opposite of all the messages that Star Trek wanted to convey to this world. [applause] [applause] Tyson: We are back with StarTalk. Tyson: Leighann Lord. Lord: Sir. Tyson: Charles Liu. We're featuring my interview with George Takei. He came through town, I snared him, put him in my office, and we just talked. We were like old buds. We, like, went on and on and on, like, about everything, we can't fit it all in the show. Liu: You lucky man. Tyson: Yeah, we were totally chilling. And talking about everything. So, during the Second World w*r, he was living in California with his family. And one morning, soldiers with r*fles showed up on his doorstep, and took him away, with his family. Let's find out. Takei: I was a child when we were incarcerated. Tyson: This is age four to eight? Takei: Actually five to nine. Tyson: Five to nine. Takei: Yeah. My brother was four to eight. But... Tyson: Very formative years. My gosh. Takei: Very, very formative. Tyson: Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Takei: There were ten camps all together in some of most God-awful places in the country. Can you imagine the blistering hot desert of Arizona? No air conditioning. Tyson: Right. Takei: We were in the sweltering swamps of Arkansas. Windswept, cold, high plains of Wyoming, Idaho, Utah, Colorado. And two, two of them that were in the most desolate places in California. But the actual incarceration for us as children, we didn't understand what it was all about. Tyson: It's just life. Takei: It was just life. And you know, everybody around us lived just like we did. We lined up three times a day, to eat lousy food in a noisy mess hall. We went to mass showers with our father. When I made the night runs from our barrack to the latrine, search lights followed us. But you know, as a five-year-old kid, I thought it was kind of nice that they lit the way for me to pee, you know. That was about the extent of it. It was coming out that was terrifying for us. Because we were literally penniless. They took everything from us. My father's business, our home, our freedom, and froze our bank account. We had nothing. And then the w*r's over, they let us go. Our first home was on Skid Row. And that, to nine-year-old me, or eight-year-old, my brother, or six-year-old, my sister, was terrifying living with derelicts and lunatics and drunkards. On one occasion, a derelict came staggering in front of us, fell down, and barfed. And my baby sister said, she screamed, and said, 'Mama, let's go back home.' Takei: Because... Tyson: To the camps. Takei: That's all she knew. Tyson: That didn't happen at the camps. Takei: That was our home. We didn't have alcohol. Tyson: Right, right. Takei: We didn't have derelicts. We didn't have, you know, lunatics. Well, we did have lunatics. People turned, went crazy, you know, under those circumstances. Tyson: There it is. Now, originally when I learned of this, just in American history, 'cause they don't really teach it. Lord: I was about to say. Tyson: You got to go... no, you got to go get it. Lord: Yes. Tyson: And once you get it, I said, well, okay. They're being interned, not because they're Japanese, but because they're the enemy. But then I thought it through... the enemy during the w*r... and then I thought it through, we didn't intern German, people of German descent, even though we were at w*r with Germany. Or people with Italian descent. So, so it was really just if you looked like who b*mb us in Pearl Harbor and you're on the West Coast, you're going into the camp. Liu: That's exactly right. Tyson: So it's basically a r*cist compound. Lord: Basically, yes. Liu: Correct. Tyson: Yeah. Liu: There's no question about it. And only now in the past several years or decades have scientists tried to understand this concept of race. What is it actually? Even though it's so dominant in all human transactions, it remains a mystery scientifically. The reality is that we human beings, and you know this as well as I do, we are wired to discriminate. Tyson: Wired for tribalism. Liu: Yes, we are wired to discriminate between whether or not that rustle in the trees is a predator, or whether it's a food source. Lord: Or someone who's not well-dressed. Liu: Someone who... [laughing] Lord: I'm just saying. Liu: We, when we find chairs, we don't have to test every chair to see whether or not it will bear our weight. We naturally sit down, because our brains have organized these things called chairs into things we can sit down on. And only very rarely will they break when we sit down on them. And so when we translate that to the 21st century, our ideas of difference, our ideas of what are the same, what is safe, what we fear; they're all wired in. Thousands and maybe even millions of years of evolution, and it's a lot of effort to overcome that, even today. Tyson: So victims of our own evolutionary past. Liu: Very much so. And we have to be aware of that, right? Because 100 years ago, people who looked like me were stupid. We could only work on the railroad. Maybe we could wash your clothes. Tyson: And now the stereotype is different. Liu: And, and, yes. Tyson: That Asians are great at math and science. Liu: Right. How did we change so rapidly in 100 years? Right? Tyson: Are you good at math and science? Liu: Yes. Tyson: Okay, just checking. [Laughter] Case made! Liu: But the point is precisely that, right? Now, the discrimination, ironically, is in the other direction. As it is now been shown that Asian people are discounted almost 150 points on their SAT scores in terms of getting into prestigious colleges compared to non-Asian students. Tyson: Because they're so good at the test taking. Lord: Wow. Liu: Precisely. Liu: You see how that switches. And it's easy to make that error. Tyson: You say we're all messed up, that's what you're saying. Liu: We are, but the more we realize it, the more we can overcome it. Lord: See, but that's, that's where it gets a little confusing for me. Because the way America is set up, if you read the brochure and believe it, we have all these things in here that we're supposed to prevent that, you know. When the Japanese were taken to the internment camps, there were two lawsuits. And both times the Supreme Court stepped in and went, no. Your case is turned away. Liu: This is the exact opposite of what Star Trek tried to show in terms of diversity. Tyson: Taken to a Japanese internment camp. When we come back, we want to look at technologies, ideas that pervaded the Star Trek storytelling. That at the time were, way, that's way in the future, that actually became true on StarTalk. [applause] Tyson: We're back at StarTalk. In the Hall of the Universe of the Rose Center for Earth and Space. And of course, I'm your host Neil deGrasse Tyson. Chuck Liu, Leighann Lord, thanks for being here. My co-host, my special guest. Lord: Thank you. Tyson: We're featuring my interview with George Takei, and we're talking about Star Trek. I was in traffic, coming here today. And I say, it'd be great if I had a transporter to transport me to where I'm going. But then I thought, that wouldn't be the biggest use of the transporter. It would be transporting goods. Lord: Mmm. Tyson: Right? Lord: Yeah, I can see that. Tyson: I don't have to go to the store, just transport some milk into my refrigerator. Lord: Ehh... Tyson: No, think about it! Tyson: Look at all these trucks I'm behind in traffic as they offload goods. Liu: How about transporting a stent into your artery? Tyson: That's good. Liu: So you don't have to do any surgery. Lord: Okay, you guys are, like, so missing the point. I'm just looking at this from a dating perspective. Like, I don't want somebody just popping up on my doorstep, 'cause their transporter's working. You know what I'm saying? [Laughter] Thank you. Tyson: Somebody understands. [applause] Liu: Our colleague Lawrence Krauss wrote a book, 'The Physics of Star Trek' some years ago. Lord: Mm-hmm. Tyson: We've had him on StarTalk. Liu: Yes, that's right. And he once made a calculation that in order to get a single transport correct, you'd have to have ten billion times the total computing power in the world today. Just to get one loaf of bread or glass of milk. Tyson: Okay, we're almost there. Lord: Yeah. What is that? An iPhone 16, 17? [laughter] TYSON: Exactly. Liu: That would be nice. Tyson: Just aim an iPhone at somebody. Lord: Exactly. Tyson: And put 'em somewhere else. You got it. Lord: There's an app for that. Tyson: There's an app for that. Exactly. [laughing] So, let's get back to the Enterprise. Lord: Mmm. Tyson: I remember looking at all of these things that they had, the replicator, and this thing that heated food fast, and cards that they put in machines that had data on it. And I was thinking how impossibly far in the future that was. And I wanted to just get, I just wanted to sort of chill with George Takei and just get his reaction to the stuff that came true. Let's find out. Takei: We're putting a benchmark out in the future of what we could be doing. And that's a goal that we can reach today with our technicians, our researchers, our scientists, our innovators. Tyson: This is the 1960s, we are going to the moon. And we know we're going to the moon. Takei: That's right. Tyson: So, no one is thinking that anything is impossible. Takei: And three years later, we did, in 1969. You know, and beyond that, we had this amazing device that was attached to our hip, and we would walk around with it all the time. And whenever we wanted to talk to someone, we'd rip it off, flip it open, and start talking. At that time, it was an astounding piece of technology. Today we've gone way past that. Tyson: Way past it. Takei: So, you know, what's science fiction? Science fiction serves a good purpose, because it sets those goals, those benchmarks out in nowhere. And we reach out, we work toward that. And then now we surpass that. Because that communicator that we have now, we watch movies on it, we, we, hear, listen to music, we send messages. Tyson: Yeah, none of us would want the Star Trek communicator. 'Cause we have stuff, better stuff. Takei: Absolutely. I only pray for the early invention of the transporter, when we can just sparkle and pop out. Tyson: That's a little scary to me. Takei: Well, it was scary to McCoy as well. Tyson: So they were a little afraid of the transporter, that's interesting. Liu: Yeah. Lord: Well, McCoy was, absolutely. Tyson: Yeah, I would not want to be the first one in the transporter. Lord: Oh, I didn't say first. Tyson: And Gizmodo published an article in 2013 estimating how expensive it would be to build the Enterprise today. And obviously, we don't have all the technology, so you get our counterpart to that technology. Lord: Okay. Tyson: So the, you know, the engines, you put in some kind of engine fuel. For the w*apon, you put in nuclear, nuclear w*apon. Lord: Instead of phasers and photon torpedoes? Tyson: Yeah, yeah. You put lasers, maybe. So they did this. The size, the scale. Came up to $476 billion. Lord: Oh, that's cheap. Let's do this! Tyson: Right. So you think, wait, wait, that sounds like a lot. But actually, what do we spend on defense every year? Lord: A lot. Liu: About four billion. Tyson: No, no, not four, excuse me, 400 billion. Liu: Four trillion, excuse me. Tyson: Well, if you add it all up. But just the Pentagon, Department of Defense. It's hundreds of billions of dollars a year. So you're just talking about a year and a half of defense money, and we could get a starship Enterprise! Lord: Well, you also have to figure in that that's gonna go over budget. That's gonna double. I'm just saying. And you didn't talk about Ten Forward. You got to put in a little nightclub. Tyson: Oh, all the rest. Lord: That's right. Tyson: And nowadays, you got to put in the holodeck. Yeah. Lord: That was assumed! Tyson: Yes. Of course. Lord: I'm sorry. Did I just go Next Gen and I shouldn't have? Sorry. Tyson: Well, Star Trek involved many aspects of real science. And... wormholes. Warp drives, the warping of space and time. When we come back, let's talk the science of Star Trek. Lord: Science, yes! Tyson: On StarTalk. [applause] Tyson: StarTalk! Lord: Yes! [applause] Tyson: This is StarTalk. It is our job to collide pop culture with science. If we don't do that, we're not doing our job. We've been featuring my interview with George Takei, Sulu on Star Trek. Star Trek had some science in it, I thought. Lord: Just a bit. Tyson: Or science that had yet to come, that we have now, and some other science we know we ain't never getting, right? Like, I like the warp drive. Who doesn't like the warp drive? Liu: Who doesn't like the warp drive? Tyson: Now, let me confess publicly right now. I have described the warp drive incorrectly in my past. [gasps] [laughter] Liu: That's it. I'm sorry. Lord: I can't work under these conditions! Tyson: Okay. I, when I first knew of the warp drive from the original series, I'm thinking, well, they're warping space. Just like I would fold this piece of paper. Liu: No! Tyson: Just like if you're trying to get across the galaxy, which is 100,000 light years across. If it's our, the Milky Way. And you, and so you warp the space like that, right? Liu: That is so wrong here! Tyson: What I'm... no! I beg forgiveness. Liu: You wrap the Enterprise in a subspace field, and then you send it faster than light. Tyson: Let me finish how wrong I was. Liu: Ugh. Tyson: So, so you'd warp the space. And then you'd travel through a little wormhole, and then... Liu: Wormhole? Tyson: And then you unfold it. And then you get across the galaxy during the TV commercial, and it wouldn't take 100,000 years! Okay? Lord: Can I... ? Tyson: So then, so, so, people must've been timid. Because I was saying that for years, until some, like... I was at Comic-Con, and some Star Trek people met me in an alley. And then... [laughter] Lord: I can see it, I can see it. Tyson: And they had the... what is the, the... Lord: Bat'leth? Tyson: What's that w*apon that the, the, the... Liu: The bat'leth. Lord: Bat'leth. Liu: Bat'leth's the big one. The mek'leth is the little one. Lord: Yeah. Tyson: Oh. Lord: Wow. Tyson: Tell me how the warp drive works. Liu: What happens is that the warp nacelles create a subspace field around the ship, which allows it then to slide through ordinary space faster than light. Okay, so the warp factors is how fast you're able to slide through this subspace stuff. Tyson: So how, what are they warping? Liu: It's a complete fabrication. Tyson: Well, at least mine had... Lord: Yours had a tie. [laughter] You didn't use your tie. Tyson: This is, this is real. Liu: The warp thing is a bubble. They call it a warp bubble. Tyson: At least I'm describing something that's real. Tyson: So, so, so... Liu: Of course. Tyson: So I was wrong about the show. Liu: Yes. Tyson: And I begged forgiveness. Lord: But you looked good doing it. Tyson: But if we ever go to warp space, it's gonna be something like this. Liu: Maybe. Lord: Maybe. Liu: What if we use... Lord: Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah, yeah! Liu: What if we use quantum wave technology? Tyson: Quantum wave, or quantum teleportation, whatever. Liu: Yeah. Tyson: I'm down with that. Liu: Okay. Tyson: We'll do a whole show with that. Liu: The point is that the idea that we can bend space easier than we can bend ourselves seems to me backwards. But that's just the physicist in me. What do I know? Tyson: Well, George Takei, in my interview, asked me about the plausibility of wormholes. So I, let's see... I like seeing this curiosity in folks, so let's check it out. Takei: What is your thought on wormholes? Tyson: Wormholes. You know, I, we're not going anywhere without 'em. Takei: Well, we haven't been there yet. [stammers] Tyson: Forget that we don't know how to make one yet. And we know on paper we can do it, but not physically. Takei: And on movies, too. Interstellar. Tyson: We're really good in movies at doing it. Takei: Matthew McConaughey. Tyson: Exactly. Takei: And it was a stunning... Tyson: So forget that we don't know how to make one. We don't have the command over space, time, matter, and energy yet to make one. Takei: And do you think we will eventually? Tyson: I don't see why not. Takei: As the communicator became so many other things? Tyson: Yeah. I don't see why not. Because what you want to do is be able to control the fabric of space and time. With... matter and energy curve the fabric of space and time, Einstein tells us. And we can experimentally verify that that happens. So right now, how much energy do we command? Not that much. How much mass can we manipulate? Not that much. We're not there yet. But the day we can, the day we can summon the energy of a galaxy, the mass of all the stars in the super cluster, we can then tune it to bend space this way, that way, pry open. And use it almost as space-time sculptors. Takei: How many lifetimes, though, before we get to that point? Tyson: You know, I don't know if it's farther away than someone in 1900 saying, oh, we'll never get to the moon. And then 69 years later, we're leaving boot prints. I don't, it's hard for me to assess how far away it is. For me, the most important moment recreated in the later generation movies in the Star Trek series, was when they went back to the guy who invented the warp drive. The warp drive is essentially manipulating the fabric of space and time. Without that, we're really not going anywhere. Even if you could go the speed of light. Even if you could go the speed of light. It's still 100,000 light years across the galaxy. And you got to really start folding space. And so I can imagine manipulating matter, energy, putting curved pockets within the fabric of space between you and your destination. And then the universe becomes a wormhole, Swiss cheese set of highways. And then you go wherever you want, and arrive instantaneously. Takei: You know, I do believe, because of our genius, that fiction can become fact. Tyson: Can I tell you a quick wormhole story? I was in the airport. I think it was North Car... it was Charlotte. Charlotte. That, or I had to, I had to change planes. And I was like on one side of the airport, I go to the other. I must have walked three miles. And I thought I'd be clever. And I tweeted. And I said, I can't wait until there are wormholes. And that way, all gates can be right adjacent to one another through a chosen wormhole. And I thought I'm being clever, and you know, and then someone tweeted back, 'If you had wormholes, then you don't even need airports.' [laughter] Liu: That's true. Lord: And yet somehow, you'd still have to pay for your carry-on bag. [laughter] Liu: But the idea of traveling through the galaxy, even if we do only travel at the speed of light or a little bit less, as a species, it's only a matter of time before we spread out through the entire galaxy. Only a very short period of time. Tyson: But the individual wouldn't do it, the species would is what you're saying. Liu: That's right. Tyson: 'Cause you have to star hop at that point. Liu: That's right. Tyson: And you percolate out. Like a, like a disease spreading in a Petri dish. Liu: Yeah. And in that sense, we might ask ourselves, if wormholes did exist, and some engineering society already created them, why haven't we seen them already, right? This is what Enrico Fermi asked, the same question. Tyson: Yeah, the Fermi paradox. Liu: That's right. Tyson: Yeah. When we come back, let's talk about what kind of a hope Star Trek gave us all on StarTalk. [applause] Tyson: This is StarTalk. I'm your host Neil Tyson, deGrasse Tyson. [laughter] Charles Liu, longtime friend and colleague. Liu: Pleasure to be here. Tyson: Astrophysicist, par excellence. That's not why we have you here. Liu: No? Tyson: One day I'll bring you back because you're an astrophysicist. We have you here now because you're just all-around smart guy who knows everything about everything. Am I wrong on that, Leighann? Lord: No, he is guest extraordinaire. Tyson: Guest extraordinaire. I got Leighann Lord, comédienne extraordinaire. Great to have you on the show. Lord: Thank you. Tyson: We're featuring my interview with George Takei. Now, I've told the story before, but now I just want to tell it again. I saw Star Trek in its first run. That's how old I am. Alright. And in the first run, I was actually accepting all of these things in the future. It is the 23rd, 24th century anyway. So many, many years in the future. Sure you'll have starships, sure you'll have photon torpedoes, sure you'll have transporters, but the one thing I said we will never have were doors that knew you were coming and they just opened. Lord: How did I know you were going to say that? Tyson: No! Lord: I knew you were going to say that. Tyson: No, how does the door know? It can't possibly know you're... how does it know?! There's no... And so, so never come to me to get me to predict the future. That's all I'm saying. Lord: You saying don't have shares in Amazon. Tyson: That was like the first thing that we made were a*t*matic opening doors. Liu: When we walk to the supermarkets, right. But they found out we were there because you stepped on a pressure pad. Tyson: You stepped on a pressure pad, right. Liu: And then they, pressure pads disappeared, and there was that little infrared thing from the top. Tyson: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I'm just saying, don't come to me to get me to predict the future, because I failed that badly for the Star, in Star Trek, okay. Lord: Wow, so now we got two things, we got the warp thing. Tyson: Yeah, I know, this is my confessional. Lord: Wow. Okay. Wow. Tyson: Yeah, so George was interested in other kinds of ideas and phenomena, technological phenomena. But he wasn't always happy about all of them. So let's find out what the next, next things that he was thinking about. In the Star Trek universe, we had warp drives. Those were great, and transporters. Was there anything else that you really wanted that you thought might have been in the future? Takei: Anything else? Tyson: How about that food, the thing that makes food real fast? Or heats food. Any of these things you were thinking, hey, that'd be cool if we had that? Takei: Um... Tyson: Or information on little discs that you pop into the box? Takei: I'm old fashioned when it comes to eating. You know, in Seattle, they have a lab that's working on haute cuisine, all done with technology. Tyson: Oh, yes. I've read about that. Takei: Yes. At Microsoft, I think. Tyson: It's very high physics. The physics, food, technology, yes, okay. Tyson: Not you. Takei: I didn't like it. Tyson: Not so much. [Laughing] Takei: I love my good, old enchilada from East LA. [laughter] Tyson: Off the street corner, right? [laughter] Takei: I am too much of a down-to-earth guy. Tyson: Okay. Me, too. I like, food should come from the heart. Takei: That's right. Tyson: Not from the lab. Takei: And you know who made the best enchiladas in all East LA? Tyson: Who? Takei: My mother. Tyson: Is that right? Takei: Mrs. Takei. Takei: She had a friend, Mrs. Gonzales next door. And they lived in each other's kitchens. And I grew up on my mother, Mrs. Takei's enchiladas and tacos. Tyson: Only in America can that even be a story to be told. Takei: Exactly. And that's the strength of America. Tyson: Yeah. Takei: That we are, we do have diversity. Tyson: We're at our strongest when... Takei: Coming together. Without warring with each other. Without discriminating. Well, we do, but we're making progress. Liu: Wow. Well, I hate to break it to Mr. Takei, but all the food we eat is lab food. Tyson: Well, of course, but he's referring to something different. Not the generation of the raw foodstuffs, but the preparation of the dish that you're about to eat. Liu: Oh. Tyson: Yeah. Tyson: What goes into that. So, so, on our radio show we interviewed Nathan Myhrvold. Liu: Ahh. Tyson: Who, I don't know if we've aired that episode yet, but he's a physicist turned chef and so... Lord: Is he single? Tyson: Is he? [Laughter] So, when he looks at food he's thinking of the physics of the molecules, and the atoms, and the flavors, and he takes it to a whole other dimension. I happen to like wine, I accidentally asked him about wine. Oh, my, O-M-G. So here's what happened. You know how people will decant wine so that it can breathe? He said, well, if you're trying to let it breathe, let's do that in the extreme. And he takes wine and puts it in a blender and blends the wine, and noooo! And so he did that and then gave it to expert tasters, and, 'Hey, this is... ' 'You must have... ' you know. It improved every bottle that he did it to. Liu: Wow. Lord: Really? Tyson: Yes, and then he told them that he put it in a blender, and then all of a sudden they didn't like the wine. Lord: I need a blender. Liu: Well, yeah. And anybody who's never... Tyson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! And wait, so then because he's a physicist, and he's an experimental physicist, it's, well, is it that it got blended or is it that it introduced oxygen in? Is it the oxygen that's doing it? Exposure to oxygen, or is there something dissolved in the wine that would then be released upon blending it? So one time he blended it with just air, atmospheric air. 21% oxygen. The next one he removed all the oxygen and blended it in a neutral gas. The wine tasted the same in both cases. So that, in fact, it is not the oxygenation of the wine. It is dissolved gases in the wine, which when you swirl it, it's primarily what's coming out of the wine, thereby improving what remains. Lord: That's why people go drinking and dancing! [laughter] Tyson: I'm just saying. Liu: Aeration. Lord: Aeration. Liu: Right. And anybody who has ever had ice cream made by pouring liquid nitrogen on the stuff... Tyson: There's a, there's a place in LA. Liu: You'll never go back. Tyson: Yeah, you never go back. Liu: You never go back. Tyson: There's a place in LA, they did it. I forgot what it's called. But I like ice cream no matter where I find it. And I go in there, and they just sit there with this big bowl. You dump in your ice cream batter, and they put in liquid nitrogen. When you pour in liquid nitrogen, it's very cold. And it is so cold that it condenses moisture out of the air, and you see this cloud rise up out of it. It looks something very much out of Frankenstein. Lord: Okay. Tyson: But once you have this very cold liquid, you dump in your ice cream batter, and you just stir it. It was the best ice cream I've ever had. Lord: Oh, my gosh. Tyson: Physics! And cooking! Liu: Yes! Lord: Wow, I, yeah, okay. Liu: Physical cooking! Tyson: Yeah, yeah, physics does some badass things in the kitchen. When we return, we're going to go to Bill Nye the Science Guy. He's going to share with us a vision of the future as seen through the lens of a Trekkie on StarTalk. [applause] [applause] Tyson: We're back on StarTalk. I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson. Here from the Hall of the Universe under the Hayden Sphere of the Rose Center for Earth and Space. You feeling the love? Liu: I am feeling the love. Lord: This is a nice place you got here. [laughs] Tyson: Well, come by and visit sometime. So, Bill Nye took a minute to tell us what the future can be if it was truly inspired by all the great ideas of Star Trek. Bill Nye: Science fiction is based on science and imagination. But right now, as an observer of the human condition, it looks to me that almost all of our science fiction is apocalyptic. It's about a future for humankind that kind of sucks. But on Star Trek it's not like that, it's never like that. In all the versions of Star Trek, the future for humankind is optimistic. They've solved all the problems of food, clothing and shelter. You know how they solved them? Through science. Not only that, in the Star Trek future, everybody gets along. People from the continent of Australia, from North Africa, South Africa, North Asia, South Asia, from Europe. Everybody gets along, because they point out over and over again that we're more alike than we are different. That we are all in this together. Let's embrace that happy Star Trek future. Let's embrace the process of science for a better tomorrow for all of us. We can all, through science, dare I say it, live long and prosper, people! Woman: Shhh! Nye: Sorry. Tyson: Bill Nye the Science Guy! [applause] That's a very hopeful future. Lord: It is. I'd drink that Kool-Aid all day. Tyson: That's something we can all aspire to, for sure. Liu: Absolutely. Tyson: The Star Trek future. And you know, of course, we're featuring my interview with George Takei. Generally when I have sort of people who are best known for acting and other, maybe they don't spend much time with scientists, so I try to give them a chance to sort of ask any questions that might be lingering within them. Especially of the universe, because there aren't that many astrophysicists in the world. Lord: That you can just call. Tyson: No, there's just not that many. Liu: There are about 7,000 of us. Lord: Yeah, I was about to say, and I know two. So I'm doing pretty good here. Tyson: Yeah, you're doing real good, honey. Yeah, so there's about 7,000 professional astrophysicists and about seven billion people in the world. So, Charles, you do the math, what do you get? Liu: We are one in a million, everybody. Lord: Awww. Tyson: And you got two right here. Liu: We are one in a million, everybody. Lord: I'm feeling so special. Tyson: Yeah, yeah. So I tried to give him that opportunity, so we closed out the interview, I just asked, do you got any, you got any questions you got for me? Let's see. Takei: What are some of the achievable things in my lifetime? Tyson: I want to think that by the time you're 90, so, next decade, decade and a half, we will know whether or not there's life elsewhere in our solar system. Whether there's life somewhere in the soils of Mars. Takei: Yeah. Tyson: Deep down. Tyson: Where NASA's mantra is 'Follow the water.' Takei: Mm-hmm. Tyson: 'Cause anywhere on Earth... Takei: And that's the exciting thing that's been found. Tyson: And that's a completely reasonable thing. The most, one of the most famous Star Trek episodes was the one with the Horta, which is life not based on carbon. Takei: Mm-hmm. Tyson: Based on silicon. And that silicon wasn't pulled out of the ether. Silicon appears directly below carbon on the periodic table. And all the elements that line up above and below one another, on the periodic table of the elements, they all form the same families of molecules. So if carbon can make life in all of its varied molecules, the suspicion was maybe silicon can just be swapped in for it. And you have silicon-based life instead of carbon-based life. So that episode with the Horta was deeper than I think people noticed at the time. Only later would be, would we be searching for life and having to ask what should we look for? Should we look for ourselves? Carbon-based life? Silicon-based life? Or some kind of life that we have yet to dream of? Energy-based life? So, it's one of the challenges. We know life does exist based on water. So that's a, we can start there, but we should not be too, too blindered by that. Because life, nature might be cleverer than we are. Takei: Fascinating, isn't it? Tyson: Yeah. Takei: I mean, here you took a fictional story. Tyson: Yes. TAKEI: The Horta. Takei: Fictional creation, and there's a real possible... You know, when I was a kid... Tyson: It's got people thinking. If it gets you thinking, there it is. Takei: Absolutely. Again, you know, you have that benchmark that's unimagined... or imagined, but way up. Tyson: Just out of reach, but you can... you can create the path there. Takei: And then we start the putting the bricks together. Tyson: Yeah. Takei: This chunk of information, that chunk of information. Tyson: Right. Takei: You know, when I was a kid, I was thrilled when I went to see a movie titled 'Destination Moon.' Tyson: Oh. Takei: And now, we have our surrogate on Mars. Tyson: Yes. Takei: Roaming around sending back information like the ones that, with which we now speculate. What might be up there? Liu: That's great that he remembered 'Destination Moon.' That came out in 1950. Tyson: Yeah. Liu: About half of the movie was about why we should go to the moon, and the other half was about an adventure where people actually went to the moon. Tyson: Why do you know all this, Charles? Lord: Because he's Charles! [laughs] Tyson: Because he's Charles. Liu: But that's great that he was inspired as a child through that to the present day. Tyson: So I got a list of all kinds of life that was, appeared in Star Trek. So you had the humans, of course. You had the Horta. You had the Borg. Going through across Next Generation. Vulcans, Klingons, Romulans, the Cardassians. Not the Kardashians. The Cardassians. Interest... even the Gorn, think about it... they were all bipedal. Liu: Mm-hmm. Tyson: Had arms, legs, and a head. So maybe as much as we celebrate the diversity of their aliens, maybe they're not actually all that diverse. Liu: Well. Lord: Well. Liu: The obvious reason they were like that was because they couldn't find actors that had six heads and three arms. Tyson: Okay. That's the blunt reason. Lord: Well, and it's also we tend to project ourselves into what aliens will be, you know. And we just think it's a bad hair day and bad makeup, and that's an alien, but Star Trek did, there were other aliens that weren't bipedal. What about species 8-5 something, the Fluidians? Liu: 8472. Lord: 8472 that made their appearance in Star Trek: Voyager, you know. Tyson: Plus, the Horta was not... The Horta was not bipedal in all fair... it was a rock. A waddling rock. Lord: But that's the, I guess, the contribution from the original. But you know, that species, the Fluidians, and because they were from fluid space, the only, by the way, only ones to actually b*at the Borg, 'cause they were so powerful. And how can we forget the best, absolute best aliens? Tyson: Oh, the Tribbles! Lord: The Tribbles! Tyson: Oh, my gosh! The Tribbles. [purring] Oh, that's creepy. Lord: It's the only impression I can do. Tyson: The little fuzzy, fuzzy things that brought out the kindness in us all. Lord: Except for the Romulans. Tyson: And there's an episode of Star Trek, 'The Chase.' That was the attempt to spread human DNA all across the galaxy. Liu: It was almost Star Trek's way of trying to justify retroactively why all the aliens we've ever seen on Star Trek had two arms and two legs and one head. Tyson: Ohhh. Liu: It was kind of a backwards way of saying it. But in the sense, you're right. It's all sort of the ultimate in diversity and saying that we are much more alike than we are different, even though we come from different planets. Tyson: So... People, this has been a wonderful hour. Lord: Yes, it has. Tyson: That we have spent together. Liu: Thank you so much. Tyson: Dr. Charles Liu, friend and colleague. Leighann Lord. Lord: Sir. Tyson: My co-host. Lord: Yes. Loving it. Tyson: Thanks for being on StarTalk. And I've been your host, Neil deGrasse Tyson, your personal astrophysicist. And as always, I bid farewell, asking you to keep looking up. [applause]

{"type": "series", "show": "StarTalk", "episode": "01x01 - George Takei"}

foreverdreaming

Neil deGrasse Tyson: From the American Museum of Natural History in New York City and beaming out across all of space and time, this is StarTalk, where science and pop culture collide. [applause] I'm your host, Neil deGrasse Tyson. I'm an astrophysicist at the American Museum of Natural History's Hayden Planetarium. And I've got with me my co-host Eugene Mirman. Eugene, thanks for being here. Eugene Mirman: Hello. It's great to be here. Tyson: Give me some love for Eugene, yeah! [applause] Eugene, professional comedian. And today, you know what our topic is? Science fiction, science fiction movies. Mirman: Yep. Tyson: You got any favorite movies? Mirman: I do, I love, well, one, I love science fiction, but I'd say a lot of superhero movies, Star Trek. Tyson: Oh, superhero, you want to be a superhero. Mirman: I don't know that I want, I don't want, I don't want the responsibility. Tyson: Oh, okay. It is a big responsibility to be a superhero. Mirman: If you believe even half, even if they have to do basically, like, a quarter of the stuff they have to do in the movies, it's exhausting. Tyson: Exactly, you said Star Trek? Mirman: Star Trek, yeah, I love time travel. Tyson: Because there are ways to do time travel that are, like, astrophysically legitimate. Mirman: Yes. Tyson: Yeah, yeah. Mirman: Those are my favorite. Sometimes I'll watch a time travel thing and be, like, pretty realistic. Tyson: Tonight we're featuring my interview with Christopher Nolan. Mirman: Mm-hmm. Tyson: Christopher Nolan. He came through town. Mirman: Yeah. Tyson: And I snared him, put him in my office. Mirman: Uh-huh. Tyson: His most recent movie is... Mirman: Interstellar. Tyson: Interstellar. Tyson: Where it's more, not only time and space, it's especially relativity. Now, I know some relativity. Mirman: Yeah. Tyson: Okay? But I don't know... Mirman: How much in comparison? [laughter] Tyson: I, you know, I do some relativity. Mirman: Yeah. Tyson: I can do that. Tyson: However, I don't count myself as an expert in relativity. I got, I have to reach out into the ether to find such people. And we did just that with my special guest, Janna Levin. Janna, welcome to StarTalk. Janna Levin: Thank you. Tyson: Yeah. Levin: So glad to be here. [applause] Tyson: So, so you're a full-fledged cosmologist. And people, like, pay you to do this. Levin: Yeah, yeah. I get paid to do relativity. Tyson: To do relativity. Levin: Yeah. Tyson: You think about black holes and birth of the universe. Levin: Yup. Every day. Tyson: And so you are like the right person to think about and talk about... Levin: Well, we'll see how it goes. [laughing] Tyson: We'll see. Okay. Janna, you have stars on your... Levin: I do, you know, I knew you were gonna wear a thematic tie. Tyson: Oh, oh, yes, I do. Levin: I just knew you were. So I thought I would match with sort of... Mirman: This is a black hole. I know no one... [laughter] That's... and it is spherical. [laughter] With a horizon, with a... Tyson: And I didn't know where our conversation would go tonight, but I have every possible cosmic object on this tie, including a wormhole and black holes and galaxies. Levin: Nice. Tyson: And this is the best tie to wear if you're eating like lasagna. 'Cause if something just falls on it, it's just another nebula. You know, you would never know, know from it. What we want to really talk about is the science of the film Interstellar. You've seen Interstellar, I presume. Levin: I did. Absolutely. Tyson: Good, good. Tyson: And it's a, it's quite an orgy of relativity, I would say. Mirman: Yeah, would you say when Matthew McConaughey cries, would you be like is that physically, that's realistic? Levin: Is that physically plausible? Mirman: Within the realm of physics, is that... Levin: Yeah, that was the part that I was not examining scientifically. [laughs] Tyson: So what I did was when I, when I started to talk to Christopher Nolan, he's not himself a scientist, he's a movie director and producer. But I always like knowing if there's some influence. Some teacher, somebody who sensitized you to this whole world of science. Levin: Mm-hmm. Tyson: Let's find out what he said. Christopher nolan: I think a lot of my interest in physics was when I was about ten. I was really watching the original Cosmos. Tyson: Oh. Nolan: That was huge impact on me. Tyson: Well, you're so young, oh, my gosh! Nolan: I'm so young, exactly. Well, it was post Star Wars, you know, that late '70s, when the shuttle was about to go up for the first time. Tyson: So it was in the air. Nolan: It was absolutely everywhere. Tyson: Yeah, the original Cosmos was 1980 with Carl Sagan. Nolan: Right. Tyson: Mm-hmm. Nolan: And I remember watching that avidly. Tyson: So you were feeling it. Nolan: Oh, yeah. Feeling it in a big way. And I think, I mean, it's a testament to the kinds of things that, that you're doing, and so many people are doing educationally. But I think really, that 10, 11-year-old, you know, you get really fascinated by it. What I found in school was, I reached a point where the mathematics became a burden. And I wasn't as interested in mathematics as I was in, you know, English and writing and that kind of thing. And so, it's where physics starts to depend more on the math. Tyson: Mm-hmm. Nolan: I sort of lost at that point and got lazy. Tyson: That's a fair point. There's a lot of good physics that you can follow, just 'cause it's really cool to think about. Nolan: Exactly. Tyson: Right, and after that, you're kind of done, right? And go on with the rest of your life. But at least it was in there percolating. Nolan: Yeah, very much. I remember all those great experiments on, you know, Newton's Laws. You do a little rolling, little lead balls down the slides and things. Tyson: Back when they made things out of lead. [laughter] Nolan: Exactly. Tyson: Before we knew that would make us stupid and k*ll us all. [laughing] Christopher Nolan, so he had, so, you know, he studied English literature in college. Levin: Hmm. Tyson: And so, one of my big things is to get more artists interested in science, so that they can fold the science into their art, and take us to new places. Levin: Yeah, absolutely. Tyson: And you, like, wrote a novel. Levin: Oh, yeah. I did do that. Tyson: You're a professor, a cosmologist. Not to be confused with cosmetologist. Just to be clear. Alright. But you wrote a novel. But that's some artistic expression. Levin: Yeah, I mean, I think that this idea that we have to choose at some stage in our lives is kind of silly, you know. We go through this process where suddenly we have to decide we're gonna be one thing or the other, when actually most of us are really a combination of those things, right? Mirman: Christopher Nolan is right. It's the equations that really make science so dreary. Levin: Oh, no! The math is so beautiful. Mirman: No one is saying it's not beautiful, it just is strenuous. Levin: Oh, no, it's such a way in, and it's such an exciting part of it. I love doing the mathematics, and I think that is exactly the fork in the road. You get to that fork in the road where you're mesmerized by the universe. You discover the math, you either hate it or you love it. Tyson: You get to the fork in the road, and you pick it up. Levin: You pick up the fork? Tyson: Pick up the fork. Tyson: It's all Yogi Berra. Levin: Sounds very meta. Tyson: Yeah. So, but so the mathematics for you... Levin: Yeah. Tyson: ... apparently not for Eugene, is... [laughter] Mirman: Let's just say not for artists. Let's not single me out. Tyson: But it can be. Right. One doesn't need to be completely mathematically fluent to nonetheless bask in the majesty of the cosmos. Mirman: I mean, I love logarithms, I'm not an idiot. [laughter] Tyson: Do you love logarithms to the base e? Mirman: I love them to base four, base seven, and twelve. [laughter] Boom! I might be saying a thing that's right! [laughter] Tyson: So, but what the equations do, if you want to take that one step deeper, it's like you part the, you part the curtains, this veil of the beauty of the universe, and there's the machinery operating. There is the language of the cosmos. Mirman: Yeah, no, I get we wouldn't have, like, stoves and electricity and fridges and stuff and cars. I'm very happy with science. I'm not at all against it. Levin: The math is actually a pleasure to do the math. And at some level, you know, there's this confidence. Because one thing follows the other. You say following the chalk. And then you have this confidence, when you're at the end of the line. Tyson: Following the what? Levin: The chalk. You know, you're at the chalkboard, and you follow the chalk. Tyson: Oh. What's a chalkboard? Levin: I still have one. Tyson: You still have a chalk... actually I have one, too. Levin: I saved one from a demolition. Tyson: Yeah, yeah. They're historical relics. You know, with Christopher Nolan, he opened a new portal to moviemaking and storytelling, that scientists are people, too. Levin: Scientists are people, too. Tyson: I mean, think about any sci-fi movie from the '50s, who is the scientist? It's the crazy person behind, in the lab coat, wiry hair, you don't care if they're in love, you don't care if they have kids. Mirman: It's only in the '70s when scientists started to have feelings. [laughter] Tyson: And almost always the scientist is, like, co-opted by a bad person or the scientists themselves are evil and want to take over the world or destroy the world. And in Interstellar, scientists save the day. Not politicians, it's not leaders, it's not, it's just people who get the job done and who know their math and physics. And so that was... and of course you know in the plotline, they visit an exoplanet. And we recently had the announcement of a whole boatload of exoplanets discovered by the Kepler telescope. By the way, that was not an accidental discovery of the telescope. It was conceived, designed, and built to discover Earth-like planets around sun-like stars. So the fact that this catalog exists with such richness of what could be twins to Earth is not itself a surprise. But the fact that so many planets do exist, I'm ready. Give me the list, you know. And the day we can travel through space, we know the order of the planets that we might... Mirman: Do we have an order now of planets we'd go to if we could? Tyson: Well, there are planets, that's a great question. So there are planets that you can say, well, okay, it's about Earth-sized. So put a check in that box. Is there an atmosphere? We don't fully know that just yet. But if it does, that would be a good thing. Does the, does, can you breathe the atmosphere? Is the planet the right distance from its host star? So, Janna, do you have a way to get to one? Levin: No, we really don't have a very good theoretical way. I mean, we know that even if you travel at the speed of light, the nearest exoplanets are a certain number of light years away. So even traveling at the speed of light... Mirman: But light years, like 10,000 or like 7? Levin: Well, I think, no, actually I think, I think really quite close to us. Maybe within a few hundred light years, we should be having a healthy number of exoplanets. Tyson: Yeah, so if you draw a sort of, a couple-hundred-year-radius sphere. Mirman: So it'd still be like 100 years. Levin: Well, only if you're going actually at the speed of light. Mirman: Yeah, yeah. Levin: And by comparison, Voyager, which has, you know, gone the furthest of any human-made objects, just breaking out of the Earth's solar influence, it will be 10,000 years before it comes across another star system, because we're not going anywhere near the speed of light. Tyson: Right, in fact, when Voyager did its tour of the major planets, we discovered that the moons of those planets were more interesting than the planets themselves. The moon Io and Europa and all of these moons, they have volcanoes, and some of them have atmospheres and lakes of methane. And so you're right, we're no longer restricted to planets. Excellent, so the net that we cast in the search for life as we know it has gotten larger. Levin: Yeah, they should've just gone to Jupiter's moons. It would've been a shorter trip than going all the way. Tyson: Jupiter's moons. Right, right. Jupiter's got it all. Levin: Through a wormhole. Tyson: If you got to live anywhere, holding aside the radiation fields that would cook your gonads, it's otherwise a really good place to start civilization. [laughter] Jupiter has a very strong magnetic field, and it traps dangerous particles. And it's a... Mirman: That's why the movie, you didn't, we didn't go to Jupiter. Tyson: Well, actually, I don't know if you remember from your chemistry class. Mirman: I don't. Tyson: In your chemistry class, remember that mysterious chart of boxes in the front of the room? Yeah. The periodic table of elements. So in that, did you remember that hydrogen appeared on the left and on the right? Did anybody remember that? It's in two places. And the left-hand side are like, are metals, and the right-hand side are non-metals. Hydrogen, depending on the conditions under which you find it, can behave as though it's a metal as well as a gas. And hydrogen behaves as a metal in the core of the planet Jupiter. Where it's under so much pressure that the configuration of the atoms is such that it can move electrons around just the way a metal does, and it can conduct electricity. And if you can conduct electricity, you can create a dynamo. If you can create a dynamo, you can create an awesome magnetic field. Mirman: What's a dynamo? [laughter] Tyson: A dynamo... do you want to take this? Levin: No, no, I'm digging your explanation. Tyson: Okay. So if you can, if you, in a rotating system, you can send up, you can create electrical currents inside, wherever you conduct electricity. And wherever you have moving charges, you can create an electric field. And with the electric field, you have an attendant magnetic field. And so you can drive magnetic forces with this. But if it didn't have anything magnetic inside, you wouldn't have a, you wouldn't have poles. You wouldn't have a magnetic field. The center of the Earth, one of the bits of strong evidence we have something metallic in the center was that we, Earth has a magnetic field. We have an iron core. Yeah, exactly. Levin: But it's a weak one. So there are things like... Tyson: It's weak. Levin: There are things like neutron stars which have magnetic fields a trillion times the magnetic field of the Earth. Tyson: A trillion times. Levin: A trillion or more. Or a thousand trillion times the magnetic field of the Earth. Tyson: So it would be yanking nails out of your shoes and things. Levin: Oh, yeah, it's, yeah. You don't want to go near them. But they can make these... Mirman: You don't want to go near what kind of a star again? Levin: It's a, it's a magnet. It's, a neutron star is a d*ad star, a collapsed star. Mirman: Because it'd be too magnetic? That would be the main risk, and then, and then it would be burning right away. Levin: Yeah, and, yeah, you'd basically be liquefied on the surface, 'cause the gravity is so strong. Mirman: Okay. Tyson: Yeah, yeah, so ignoring the fact that the gravity is so strong it would liquefy you... Mirman: Right. Tyson: It's a really bad magnetic field, too. [laughter] Mirman: And it's hot. It's very hot. Tyson: Yeah. Yeah, it depends on how old it is. Levin: They're not hot like stars. They're like d*ad stars. Mirman: But they're hotter than a microwave. Levin: Well, uh, I, yeah. That's a weird comparison I suppose I'd have to think about it. Tyson: Actually, wait. Wait, Eugene. Wait, wait Eugene. Microwave ovens never get hot. It's only the food. Mirman: Okay, you're right. Tyson: What kind of microwave oven do you have? Mirman: I think of the worst examples. Tyson: Yes, it was. Mirman: Convection oven? Levin: What they do beautifully is they act like a lighthouse because of that big magnetic field so that you can see these neutron stars at create distances. Tyson: As they rotate. Levin: It's literally a lighthouse, it's like a beacon, and they are these incredible clocks. Mirman: But in space, a lighthouse in space. Levin: In space. In our galaxy we see them. Tyson: In fact, there are key neutron stars in the galaxy where you can uniquely triangulate on the solar system from where those spinning neutron stars are. We call them pulsars. When StarTalk returns, we'll learn about matter and energy, which relativity says distorts the fabric of space and time, is a fundamental element in the film Interstellar. Not only in where they go in the universe, but where he goes with his plotlines. When we come back to StarTalk! [applause] [applause] Tyson: We're back. StarTalk. Mirman: Yeah. Tyson: Right here in the Rose Center for Earth and Space. The Hall of the Universe. Mirman: So many names for one giant room. [laughter] Tyson: Well, if it's the center of the universe, you need, you got to reference it somehow. Mirman: Yeah. Tyson: I'm just saying. Tyson: I've got Eugene Mirman, my co-host. Professor Janna Levin, welcome to StarTalk. Levin: So good to be here. Tyson: You are a cosmologist. Levin: I am. Tyson: This is your expertise. Levin: It is. Tyson: For today's show we're talking about relativity, the universe, cosmology, everything that you are an expert in. Levin: On a daily basis. Tyson: I just dabbled in relativity. It is what you do. Levin: It is what I do. Tyson: It is. Tyson: Well, we're featuring my interview with Chris Nolan. And of course we talked about just his, how he thinks about time and space, and I just wanted to know from him, what's going on in his head that leads him to creating such twisted realities. Let's find out. Nolan: I'm interested in, I call it sort of geometry or topology, or you know, it's those kind of things. Not the mathematics of it, that's lost on me. But just the idea of, well, filmmaking itself. It's this weird combination of two-dimensional images representing three dimensions, and then you add time, and editing, and camera blocking, and structure, the way all these things work. They just get you thinking about dimensions, really. It really, it's about, I suppose shapes and patterns and things. And that's where, you know, the architecture of movies and movie craft is interestingly structured. And so as I started to make films, I got more and more interested in kind of addressing that in the narrative itself. And it just pushes you to think of these ideas. Tyson: If you put it in a narrative, it means it's a deeper part of the story, rather than just some flashy razzmatazz. Nolan: Yeah, and you start to think about what it means to you. You know, like why something, why you want to displace a chronology, why you want to tell a story with a beginning, a middle and end, but not in that order, you know, that kind of thing. And it got me thinking about how we tell stories in real life. We don't get a beginning, middle and an end. You know, we read a newspaper, it gives us the headline version. You know, 'Man Bites Dog.' Then it starts to fill in all the details. And then you get another version of the story the next day. And you get more details and everything. And I thought, you know, why make films that just give you the beginning, middle and end in a linear form, when that's not really the way we experience life in a funny sort of way. Tyson: And it's way more intriguing that way. Nolan: I think so. Tyson: 'Cause now I have to think more deeply. I have to pay closer attention. Yes, so he's messing with time. Janna, what is time? [laughing] LEVIN: Simple. Tyson: In one sentence or less. [snaps fingers] Levin: Yeah, it's, it is actually one of the most elusive aspects of physics. Levin: There's this idea... Tyson: Or life. Levin: Or of life. Tyson: Not just physics. Levin: Right? Psychologically. Tyson: Yeah. Levin: But even physically, we know that there is this sort of clock. The clock never stops, we never turn around and go back, we can never accidentally go the wrong direction in time. It's always pushing us forward, and yet we sort of imagine it almost spatially. We almost imagine it like a dimension. But I can't look forward in that dimension the way I can look left. And I can't turn around and look back in that dimension the way I can look right. And so that aspect of why time is different from a dimension remains sort of persistently confusing. Tyson: So then, now we start twisting time. And no one thought to do that until Einstein, I guess. Is that a fair, a fair characterization? Levin: I mean, people may have imagined it culturally. But it wasn't actually on the table as a viable possibility until Einstein. And it is a viable possibility. We know that my clock can run differently from your clock. And that there can be a difference between not only our psychological perception of time, but our biological perception of time. Tyson: But what, but our clocks are not gonna run differently if we're in the same place at the same time. Levin: No. TYSON: No. Levin: They're not. Tyson: No. Mirman: What if you're in two different places? Tyson: Then you have to ask what's different about those two places? Levin: If I'm higher up in a building. If I'm in the space station. If I'm near a black hole. Tyson: Then... Levin: My clock will run differently than yours the further away I am from the Earth, the, you know, the faster my clock will appear to run relative to yours. Mirman: So if I go to a black hole and have a sandwich, and then come right back. Levin: Yeah. [laughs] Mirman: How long will it have seemed? Levin: Civilization has come and gone. Mirman: It'll all be gone? Tyson: So, if you fold relativity into a storytelling narrative... Levin: Mm-hmm. Tyson: Now time can be legitimately altered and warped. Levin: Sure. Tyson: For the purposes of... Levin: Of your storytelling. Tyson: ... of your plotlines. Tyson: In the film... Levin: Yeah. Tyson: ... they go near a black hole. Levin: Yeah. Tyson: Close enough to a black hole that the strength of gravity is so high... Levin: Yes. Tyson: ... that time goes so slowly... Levin: Yes. Tyson: That, what is it, one hour at this black hole planet... Levin: I thought it was like 23 years. Tyson: ... is like 20 years. Levin: Or something like that, yeah. Mirman: It would be, that is the actual math of it. Levin: Yeah, you can calculate how close you'd have to get for that to happen. Now the thing is, is that... Tyson: Well, just to, just to be clear, any time difference you want to write a story around, you can calculate how, what's the strength of gravity that will give you that time difference. Levin: Right. Tyson: Yeah. So there you go. Levin: Right, so, so their experience of time is completely normal. They have this very rushed hours, and to try to get back out away from the black hole, and many years have passed relative to the Earth. Tyson: You go down to the black hole, your time is ticking so slowly, you're at risk of when you come back, that your kids are now dying in their deathbed. Levin: The things you care about that are motivating you to go near the black hole in the first place. 'Cause I don't know why you would really want to do that. Mirman: All of your favorite bands are gone. [laughter] Levin: Right, all of that is gone. Tyson: But it's one thing to have time tick at different rates. Levin: Mm-hmm. Tyson: It's another thing to be able to visit your past. Levin: Yeah, that's... Tyson: Or to see your timeline writ large in front of you. Levin: Yeah. Tyson: That's taking yet an extra step here. Levin: It is an extra step. A lot of people think that somehow the physical laws will protect us from that. That there is, that there will be some barrier to being able to do that. Tyson: In other words, you're saying some people think there's a yet-to-be-discovered physical law. Levin: Right. Tyson: That will declare in our revelation of this law that thou shalt not go back in time and prevent your parents from meeting. If your parents don't meet, then you're not born, then you can't have gone back in time to have prevented them from meeting. Levin: So it's actually technically possible in the context of relativity to do this. Like, there are mathematical proofs that if Einstein's theory of relativity is the whole story, then there are certain situations in which you can absolutely go back in time. And this is really problematic. But you're presuming that you have the will to go and stop your parents from meeting. And maybe you can't do things, like have will and volition that's inconsistent with the laws of physics. Maybe you can't do that. Tyson: Or it may be that you don't purposely stop them from meeting. You do something else that changes all the history of the future of the world. Mirman: You're literally describing Back to the Future right now. [laughter] Mirman: But we can pretend you're not! [laughter] Tyson: Well, coming up, we'll learn about one of the most twisted plotlines imaginable... traveling through a wormhole, on StarTalk. [applause] Tyson: We're back. StarTalk. From the heart of New York City, the American Museum of Natural History, I'm your host, Neil deGrasse Tyson, of course. Janna, Professor Janna. Levin: I'm so glad to be here. Tyson: Yeah. Thanks. We're talking about Interstellar. Mirman: Yeah. Tyson: The film. And one of the most important plot elements, scientific elements, storytelling elements, is the existence of and their journey through the wormhole. And in fact, we've got an image of a wormhole. Let's check it out. Oh, yeah. [laughter] A wormhole is a portal through space and time. Where, in this particular case, we're actually seeing what's on the other side of the wormhole come through us through the hole, through the channel optically. And that hole leads to another place. So we both know one of the advisors, one of the science advisors, the lead science advisor of the film Interstellar, Kip Thorne. Levin: Mm-hmm, Kip Thorne, the wonderful, amazing, fascinating Kip Thorne. Tyson: Yeah, he's brilliant. Mirman: I'll take your word for it. [laughter] I like this Kip person already. Tyson: No, he should've said, wait, I found an error in one of his papers. That was your cue for that. Mirman: I'll find it. I'll look through his film notes, that's where they hide the money. [laughter] Tyson: So, so, Kip Thorne, he's a expert on relativity. I have a book in my office co-authored by him. The title of the book is Gravitation. And it's like a zillion pages thick. And I, we always joked, it's the only subject you ever learned about just by carrying the textbook around. [laughter] So let's find out what Christopher Nolan had to say about working with Kip Thorne on Interstellar. Nolan: Like Kip, we were talking about the wormhole, 'cause it was always in the script. Tyson: 'Cause he's a wormhole guy. Nolan: He's a wormhole guy. I was sitting there talking to him about it. Tyson: He put the wormhole in Contact. Okay? Nolan: Yeah, yeah. No, he is Mr. Wormhole. Tyson: Yeah, yeah. Nolan: Kip 'Wormhole' Thorne. Tyson: Yes, on his business card. [laughing] NOLAN: Exactly. Tyson: Need a wormhole? Talk to me. Nolan: And I said to him, we were talking about the hole. And much like McConaughey's character, 'cause I put this in the dialogue of the film, at one point I said, well, wait a second, you're saying it's not a hole, it's a sphere? And he's like, of course it's a sphere. You know, it's a hole in three dimensions. I'm like, no, there's no 'of course' about that for the rest of us. Tyson: Oh, hence you explicated it. Right, right. Nolan: Hence... no, because I was like, if we can make somebody understand, somebody needs to understand the way I suddenly did in that moment of you can have a hole in three dimensions? Tyson: Yes. Nolan: That's a terrifying concept, and really cool. Tyson: The fact that you can approach it from any direction and disappear inside of it. Nolan: Yeah. Really cool. Tyson: Because a hole in the pavement, you know, a manhole covering, that's a hole, you fall through. Nolan: Yeah. Tyson: But that's a hole in a surface, which is a circle. Nolan: Well... Tyson: A hole in three dimensions is a sphere. And so that was brilliantly done and gave you a feeling that it's a hole that you can enter from any direction. Nolan: A lot of what I dealt with, with Kip, and you know, when you get into the fine detail where you're really trying to dig down into this. There's a point where, you know, Kip will sort of go, well, that's kind of how we let you guys think of it. You know, and not, and he's the last guy, he's never exclusionary about his science or whatever. But there's just a point where he's sort of like, look, you know, you have to trust me on this. It's like we give you a sort of simple model of it, and try and, you know, make it accessible in that way. And then if you dig too deep in that, you have to go to the next level. The next level is exponentially more complicated. Tyson: Right, yeah, you don't want to, you don't want to have to go there. Nolan: No. You don't want to have to go there. Tyson: Right, right. Nolan: 'Cause algebra will be involved. [laughing] Tyson: So, Janna, madam cosmologist? Levin: Yes. Tyson: So what are, what are wormholes good for? You have one? Levin: Yeah. You know, wormholes, although they're probably theoretically possible, are physically, as far as we know, still impossible. Meaning to keep the throat open of the wormhole, you need forms of matter and energy that we've never seen before. We don't know anything that can actually keep the throat open of the wormhole. So it would kind of keep closing up. And that would be bad. Tyson: So it's unstable. Levin: It's very unstable. Mirman: Meaning if we made a wormhole, we couldn't keep it open, but we also can't make wormholes? Levin: Yeah, well, so if a wormhole... [laughter] If a wormhole was formed by some unstable process, it would quickly close. Mirman: When you say it would close quickly, how long? Like meaning how long would it stay open? Seconds or... ? Levin: Like microseconds. Mirman: Microseconds. Levin: So then the question isn't can we make them, but the question is is there any form of energy in the universe that's capable of keeping a wormhole sort of afloat? And, and we don't know the answer to that question. We didn't predict dark energy. There are forms of energy that are surprising to us. Tyson: So we have to be of a civilization that has power over space-time and energy and matter that we are not quite yet. But perhaps in that future civilization we can manipulate the fabric of space and time to make wormholes. Mirman: So what came first, the thing you said first or wormhole? Levin: The sci-fi. I think we'd be better off manipulating space and time by, for instance, doing something like warp drive. So you could do something like warp drive by contracting space-time between two points, bringing them closer together, jumping across. You don't have to travel, you know, 400 light years. Tyson: So that's not a wormhole? Levin: That's not a wormhole. And then pushing it back out again. Tyson: Wait! Wait! Levin: And then you push it back out again. No big deal. It's not a big deal. Tyson: No. I want to fight about this. [laughter] No, no, you're gonna warp space and then go from one part of space to the other. Levin: And then you jump across, then you push it back out again. Tyson: How are you jumping across? How are you... Mirman: In a, with a space pogo stick. [laughter] Levin: Well, you could, you could just step right across if you can pull them closer together. Tyson: Okay, you have to step out of your dimension and back in. Levin: Well, you can do all this even in three dimensions. Just pull two space-time points closer. Now, again, it has the same problem, which is that I don't know forms of matter or energy that would do it. But that's warp drive in principle. Tyson: We got to talk. [laughter] Levin: Then you just push it back out again where it was before. Mirman: So you would just need to, it would just be like a mirror. You just walk through something like a mirror. Levin: Well... Mirman: I'm just making... Levin: You're totally making that up. Mirman: I'm not making that up. I just mean you walk through... Tyson: When StarTalk comes back... Mirman: I want to go through a wormhole! [laughter] Tyson: We'll find out more about how Einstein's relativity can stretch the imagination. [applause] Tyson: So we're back on StarTalk. Hall of the Universe. Janna, before the break, you said you can warp space and hop from one part of it to another with a pogo stick. Mirman: Or on a bicycle. Levin: He added the pogo stick. Tyson: I don't know how you do that without a wormhole. Levin: Well, there is a sense in which we can get space to expand in particular ways. Tyson: Or contract. Levin: Or contract. Tyson: Yes. Levin: And so if you imagine that there's something called dark energy, which you know very well, which causes the universe to expand at a very accelerated rate. Tyson: Yes. Levin: That's one way to push it back out again. If you could come up with a form of energy that did the opposite, that pulled it together, much like dark energy does, right? Tyson: Oh, okay. Levin: But in the opposite direction, causing the collapse of space. Mirman: You're looking at me like I know. Neil, what she's saying is true. Trust me on the science, Neil. Levin: So the reason why this is imperative is that you can travel across a very short distance going less than the speed of light, and that's very important. And then the space-time is able to expand faster than the speed of light. Tyson: Ah, now I understand. So you're saying if you can physically stretch and you have power to do so, stretch or contract space. Contract, I'd bring California to across the street. Levin: You walk across the street, and then you push it back away again. Tyson: Push California back to where it was, and I'm there... Mirman: And that wouldn't blow everything up, I guess? Levin: I'm sure it would have all kinds of unforeseen consequences. Mirman: But you would be at what used to be California. [laughter] Tyson: No, but if it's the fabric of space and time, you're not actually squeezing matter to do that. Levin: You don't have to squeeze matter. The trick is is that there is no... Tyson: Oh, there's a trick? Levin: There's no information traveling faster than the speed of light, even though the space-time's expanding faster than the speed of light. So it's all consistent with the limits of relativity. Tyson: Okay, when you got this, call me up. We'll figure that one out. So there's relativity of space, but there's also relativity of, relativity of time. Of course. Let's zoom in on my conversation with Christopher Nolan about the relativity of time. Nolan: You look at relativity itself in so far as I can understand it, you know, and then so far as to try and, you know, explain it to the audience what they need to know. Tyson: It's all mind-bl*wing. All of it. Nolan: It's mind-bl*wing. I mean, the idea that time can run differently for you depending on how fast you're moving, or where you are in the universe sort of, that, that's incredible, I mean truly incredible. Tyson: Yeah, and I think you took it to an extreme point which no one had done before. I don't think I'm giving too much of the film away when I say where you visit a planet that's in a very deep gravitational well, we say, and the closer you are to a strong source of gravity, the slower your time ticks, relative to people you left at home. Nolan: Yeah. Tyson: And so, if you're gonna commit to a visit of a planet where time is ticking more slowly, then you've got to be prepared for the consequences of that. How much more slowly is it ticking? Nolan: Yeah. Tyson: And what are the age of your kids relative to you when you go back and find them? Nolan: Well, before they go down there, Brand, Anne Hathaway's character, has a line, you know, she says, we've got to view time like a, or as a resource, like oxygen. Tyson: As a commodity. Nolan: Food, exactly. And I just, I thought it was just a cool idea. Tyson: That was a great line. Yeah, so, so here we have time moving at different rates for different people. And, Janna, can you just give the, give the lowdown on when your time moves more slowly? Levin: Well, so the simplest circumstance that Einstein first thought of was when you're in relative motion. So you're two astronauts flying past each other in totally empty space, and you're in relative motion. One astronaut says, I'm not moving, you're the one that's moving, and you're moving near the speed of light. They will see that person's clock run very slowly. That person will appear to move slow and talk slow. Tyson: Everything slows, yes. Levin: But that astronaut will accuse the other of the same thing. Tyson: Alright, so there's the relativity of the passage of time. Levin: That's right. Tyson: So that's one way. Levin: Their experience with their own time is normal. Tyson: And then there's also gravity that does this as well. Levin: So gravity does this as well. And you can think of it as a rotation in space-time. You know, you can rotate left into right. And it turns out you can rotate space into time, and time into space. And one way to do that is to have relative motion, and one way to do that is to go near a very heavy object like a black hole. Mirman: So, so, it'd be a black hole. Like if you were near Jupiter, it wouldn't be... Levin: Technically, you're probably slowing time for me a little bit. Mirman: Alright. Tyson: What she just said is that you have enough gravity. Mirman: Yeah, yeah. That's, that's all I want is to walk around New York City slowing down everyone's time, by just walking right behind them, like a normal person. Tyson: So whether or not you can measure, you can calculate what effect Eugene's gravitational field is having on the passage of time on your clocks. Levin: Yes, and we do notice this with clocks near the Earth versus clocks in the space station. Mirman: What's the biggest thing that's near the Earth that would have this effect in a way that you'd really notice? Like, is it Jupiter, or would it have to be the sun, or is there... ? Levin: That's an interesting question. I mean, I've never thought about whether they could do it for the moon. I mean, maybe. It depends on how precise your clock is, really. Tyson: You know what they do it for? GPS satellites are farther away from Earth than you are. Right? Mirman: Agreed. Tyson: And... agreed? Okay. [laughs] And so, they in fact, experience a faster passage of time than we do. But they're sending time signals to your smart phones. Mirman: Mm-hmm. Tyson: And that time signal they send you is correct. How do you get the correct time if they have the wrong time? Because we knew in advance what the effects of relativity would be on the GPS satellite system. And we pre-correct the time that they send out to us. So that when it gets to here on Earth, you have the correct time. And that is general relativity manifest. In our, in our civilization today. When we come back, everything you ever wanted to know about black holes. On StarTalk. [applause] [applause] Tyson: We're back on StarTalk. The Rose Center for Earth and Space. We do the universe here, in case you didn't know. We're talking today about relativity, about black holes, wormholes. We have a cosmologist, Janna Levin. Janna, we, why don't we learn more about black holes? Everybody loves some black holes. Levin: Oh, yeah. [laughter] Tyson: And we have an image. We have an image, an artist's representation of a black hole. Let's check it out. Thank you. So I particularly like this, because it has sort of what we say in astrophysics is an accretion disc, there's a disc of material that might be feeding the appetite of the black hole as it descends. Also the black hole is a three-dimensional hole, just the way a wormhole is three-dimensional. And there's clearly sort of a radiation field just on the outskirts of the event horizon. And tell everybody what an event horizon is. I love that term, it's so poetic. Levin: It is, it's so beautiful. So the, the black hole... Tyson: It's beautiful to say. Levin: It is and it's... Tyson: Not beautiful to go through. Yes, okay. Levin: It would be unpleasant. So the black hole creates a region around it that, where the gravitational field is so strong that essentially not even light can escape. You know, we know we have to launch a rocket off the surface of the Earth at a certain speed to get it to escape the Earth. And the speed at which you would have to travel to escape from the event horizon is the speed of light. I mean, we will never know anything about what's inside a black hole. That's what the event horizon says. It says no information can ever come out. So we gather from the mathematics, suggests that there's something called the singularity at the center. A place where space-time curvature is so strong that you would just be crushed to death just by gravitational forces. And then, I don't know, blotted out of existence, we don't really know what happens there. A lot of people think that's not the whole story. Mirman: What if you put a black hole in a black hole? What would happen? Tyson: There are two that are in a death spiral right now discovered in the center of a galaxy. Levin: They'd just make a bigger black hole. Mirman: Really? Levin: You can't think of a black hole as a thing, it's really... Mirman: It's like a dude? Levin: It's like a place. Mirman: A place. It's like Miami. [laughter] That's a fair... Tyson: Yeah, so one black hole can eat the other, right, it's just a black hole twice as big. Mirman: And then it just becomes a bigger black hole. Tyson: A bigger black hole. So in order to tell this extraordinary story about this planet near orbiting very close to a black hole, they had to sort of loosen up some science shackles in the storytelling. And let's return to my office where I talked with Christopher Nolan. One of my favorite lines from Mark Twain is, 'First get your facts straight. Then distort them at your leisure.' [laughing] Nolan: You know what? Exactly. I mean, that was exactly the process. It's like, let's figure out what the reality is, and then I would explain to Kip, okay, but for the narrative, I've got to jump over this bit, or ignore this bit, or whatever. And we would have a back and forth about what was allowable and what wasn't. But generally, I found working with Kip, he wasn't sitting there sort of going, well, here are the rules of the thing. He was sitting there going, well, these are the possibilities. This is what real-world physics can offer you. Tyson: Which any good science advice should be to an artist, right? Just here's a context, see what you can do with it, right? Nolan: Well, and what the real world comes up with is so much more mind-bl*wing. Levin: When black holes were first discovered mathematically nobody thought they were real. Nobody thought there'd be any way nature could make such a thing, right. Mirman: Why hasn't everything been... why hasn't everything been destroyed by a black hole? Tyson: Eaten by a black hole. Mirman: Yeah, why doesn't everything... Levin: Yeah, yeah, that's a, that is a false reputation. So if you were to replace the sun with a black hole right now. Mirman: We would be fine. Levin: We would be fine! Tyson: Janna, the PR agent for black holes. Mirman: Yeah. Tyson: That's not their actual reputation here. Levin: They never did that. Mirman: If you replace the sun with a black hole, we would be, I mean, aside from having no sunlight... Levin: It would be cold and dark. Mirman: Yeah, yeah. We wouldn't be sucked in and destroyed. Levin: We would not be sucked in any. Mirman: Oh, that is such a relief. Levin: We are falling into the sun. The sun is sucking us up, just incredibly slowly. Mirman: Oh, well, thank you. Levin: Like, the sun will blow up long before that happens. Mirman: Oh, okay. Levin: We'll collide with Andromeda long before that happens. Mirman: Oh, that's nice. So this is a lot of good stuff. Tyson: We'll actually k*ll ourselves long before that happens. Mirman: Yeah, yeah. Tyson: To put your priorities in order. Mirman: Right, our civilization, but maybe, you know, cats might survive. Tyson: My favorite thing about black holes is what it does to your body when you fall in. As you get drawn into a black hole feet-first, you're, this begins to stretch you apart, because your feet are drawn to the black hole faster than the top of your head is. And then you get taller and taller until you snap into two pieces when the forces of gravity become greater than the molecular forces that hold your flesh together. And then those two pieces themselves experience this, it's called the tidal force of gravity. And they snap and they become one, two, four, eight, sixteen, and then you're a stream of particles, descending down to the abyss. And meanwhile, the fabric of space and time funnels, gets narrow. So that you are not only stretched head to toe, you are extruded through the fabric of space and time, like toothpaste through a tube. So, you know, I actually composed a poem about falling into a black hole. May I share it with you? [crowd cheers] Okay. I shouldn't call it, it's not, it's a rhyme. Poets compose poems, regular people rhyme stuff, okay. So, so here it is, here it is. [smacking] In a feet-first dive to this cosmic abyss, you will not survive, because you will not miss. The tidal forces of gravity will create quite a calamity. When you're stretched head to toe, are you sure you want to go? Your body's atoms, you'll see them, will enter one by one. The singularity will eat them, and you won't be having fun. [applause] So that is one way to die by falling into a black hole. When StarTalk returns, we'll find out why Bill Nye the Science Guy is pretty sure that saving the world Interstellar-style is not in our future. On StarTalk. [applause] [applause] Tyson: StarTalk is back. We're talking about the movie Interstellar featuring my interview with Christopher Nolan in my office at the Hayden Planetarium. And in that film, there's a blight on Earth. We're all going to die. We need to find another planet. We find another planet, travel through a wormhole to get there. But my good friend Bill Nye assesses the scenario in his Bill Nye rant. Bill Nye: Space exploration brings out the best in us. You don't believe me, how often have you heard somebody say, 'If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they blank?' An that blank could be filled in with anything, like cell phone calls that don't get dropped, or better instant mashed potatoes. It all comes from the technology of space. So a movie that's about space has got a lot of potential. But this idea that you can just ruin the place you live and go live somewhere else is unique to our time. I don't think you're really gonna be able to do that when it comes to the Earth. This is where we make our stand, the Earth's only this big, we're all stuck here. What about Mars? No, it hasn't rained on Mars in 3 billion years. And as soon as that spacecraft door opens, you'll notice you can't breathe! See you down the track. Tyson: Bill Nye, a man on the move. [applause] Yeah. He brings up a very important point. No matter how bad Earth was, is there another place that's better? Even after we mess it up as badly as we did. And in Interstellar they go to a planet that didn't look like the next planet I wanted to go to after Earth. And I also think, do people want to terraform planets after we mess up Earth? Let's terraform Mars. What is terraforming? You turn it into Earth-like. Mirman: Why don't we just terraform Earth? Tyson: Exactly, exactly. If you have the power to turn another planet into an Earth... Levin: Restore the Earth. Tyson: You have the power to turn Earth back into Earth. Mirman: Yup. Tyson: That how, that's how I see. Mirman: I agree. Tyson: That's got to be easier than terraforming a planet and shipping a billion people there. But in any case, the movie Interstellar, as well as some other films of recent years, Gravity among them, it got people talking about the universe, about space travel again, about science, about the value of science literacy in leading characters that maybe you want to be when you grow up. So, I chatted with Chris Nolan in my office. I asked him, what effect does he think his movie has on the dreams of a nation in the world. Nolan: I would love for kids today, you know, to, you know, see Interstellar and get inspired about some of this. I mean, it's what you guys have been doing with Cosmos. I mean, it's like, if you can show people visually. That's why you needed such a lavish visual treatment. It's like it's about how exciting it is. It's not about numbers on the page, it's about flight of imagination. About Einstein sitting there and imagining sets of twins, one on a train going the speed of light... Tyson: The famous twin paradox, yes. Nolan: All that stuff, it's like, it's so visual and enormous. So anything you can do, you know, either in television or in a movie, whatever, to try and get that scale and excitement across, that's fabulous. Tyson: Another thing I, in fact I've been telling this to, 'cause people come to me now to comment on newly released science fiction films. I think it's 'cause I had some tweets for the movie Gravity... Nolan: I heard, yeah. Tyson: ... that went a little viral. Which was not my intent. I was just putting it out there. And I bump into them on the morning news, on the evening news, and on, and everyone said, 'Astrophysicist Neil Tyson says... ' And it's like, my gosh, but that meant that there was an appetite. Nolan: Yeah, yeah. Tyson: But why would anyone care, unless the science in a film is now part of the dialogue? Oh, my God. Science in the dialogue. Mirman: Yeah. In your defense, Gravity got the gravity wrong. [laughter] Tyson: Listen, Janna, Professor Levin, thanks for coming. Levin: Anytime! Tyson: And Eugene, it's always great having you on StarTalk. Mirman: Thank you. Tyson: You've been watching StarTalk! From the Hall of the Universe in the American Museum of Natural History in New York City. I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson, your personal astrophysicist. And as always, I bid you to keep looking up! [cheering] Thank you. Mirman: You're welcome.

{"type": "series", "show": "StarTalk", "episode": "01x02 - Christopher Nolan"}

foreverdreaming

Neil deGrasse Tyson: From the American Museum of Natural History in New York City and beaming out across all of space and time, this is StarTalk, where science and pop culture collide. [applause, laughter] Chuck, I was feeling that one! pop culture collide. Chuck Nice: I love it. I see you feeling it! Tyson: I'm turning myself on. [laughter] That's just, sometimes you feel the universe flowing through you. Nice: Right on. You know, that's, when you're a Jedi, that happens. [laughter] Tyson: Shhh. So, Chuck, welcome back. Nice: It's always good to be here, Neil. Tyson: Yeah, yeah. So tonight we're gonna be talking about sex. Nice: Okay. Tyson: And... [laughs] And relationships. Nice: Okay. Tyson: And dating. Nice: I like the first part of that. [laughter] The other two I could do without. But the first part is awesome. Tyson: And I know you, you know, you're a man, I know you have some expertise. But it's not the kind of expertise I'm looking for in this. Nice: Oh, okay. Tyson: So we got to bring in some extra, extra armament in on this conversation. Professor Helen Fisher, welcome to StarTalk. Helen Fisher: Thank you. I'm delighted to be here. Tyson: Yes, and... [applause] You are a specialist in, what is the academic specialty that describes you? Fisher: Well, I'm a biological anthropologist. Tyson: That's ten syllables. Fisher: Yeah. Tyson: Biological anthropologist. Fisher: Exactly. Evolution. Evolution of love. Tyson: Yeah, so, we're featuring today my interview with Dan Savage, who is like the online expert on love and relationships and everything that go with it. And you know, of course, we have a changing face of relationships today. Fisher: Right. Tyson: 'Cause it used to be, I was thinking it used to be hanging out a bar, but people still do that. Nice: Right. Tyson: So, but the Internet has changed all of this, and Tinder. Fisher: Yeah. Tyson: You know. Fisher: Yeah. Actually, these are very old. In fact, we're moving forward to the kinds of relationships we had a million years ago. Nice: Really? Fisher: Yeah. We're actually shedding about... Tyson: Wait, wait, wait, I just mentioned Tinder, which operates on a smart phone, and your next line is, we've had this since cavemen. Fisher: Yeah. Well, what do you do on Tinder? You look... Nice: They used to swipe cave walls back in the day. [laughter] First they would draw it, and then they would swipe it. Tyson: No, no. No, what they do, they swipe the actual person. [laughter] But so, it's old, it's just a new method, you're saying. Fisher: Yes, absolutely. Tyson: Well, that's good to know. And what we found... and you've been at this for 30 years? Fisher: Yeah, a little more. Tyson: A little more than 30 years. Nice: Your job or sex? [laughter] Fisher: Both. Nice: Alright. [laughter] Tyson: So, so, Dan Savage. You know, this résumé's great, 'cause he puts his last name in all the names of stuff. Nice: Right. Tyson: So, so he's got a column called Savage Love. Nice: Okay. Tyson: Yeah, you know, how could you not read that, right? And he's got the host of the Savage Lovecast. Nice: Yes. Tyson: You know, you got to say that. The Savage... Tyson: Lovecast. Nice: Lovecast. [laughter] Tyson: Wait, go as deep as you can. [deep voice] NICE: Lovecast. Tyson: Lovecast. [laughter] So, Dan, he's like the go-to man for people who are having troubles in their relationships. Nice: Right. Tyson: Want some advice, in modern times. So, let's look at my interview with Dan Savage, and we'll just find out how do you become an expert sex columnist? Let's check it out. Dan Savage: It was an accident. It's the kind of job you really can't run out looking for. You can't go to any university and get a degree in advice columning. I met somebody who was starting a newspaper, and I said, oh, you should have an advice column, because everybody reads them. You see that Q&A format, you have to read it. Tyson: Who was that? Savage: Tim Keck. Who was the... Tyson: Why do I even know that name? Savage: He was the founder of The Onion. Tyson: Ohhh. Yeah. Savage: And so at first, it was just a joke. I was gonna, 'cause I was gay guy, and I was going to write this advice column about straight sex for straight people. And the joke was I was gonna treat straight people and straight sex with the same contempt and revulsion that straight advice columnists like Ann Landers had always treated gay people and gay sex with. Tyson: That would be hilarious. Savage: It was hilarious. And straight people loved it, because it was a new experience for them to be treated that way. Tyson: Uh-huh. Savage: And I just started getting tons... Tyson: As the weird one. Savage: As the weird one. Savage: I started getting tons of letters with real questions in them, and my fake, joke, 'gonna do this for six months or a year' advice column turned into, I've been doing it for 24 years, real advice column. Tyson: Do you feel qualified? This question's not about whether you're academically qualified. But just whether you're culturally qualified to advise on any combination of these gender permutations, as we would say in mathematics? Savage: Well, the only qualification you need to give your advice is some idiot was fool enough to ask you for it. [laughs] Tyson: Dan Savage. Nice: Wow. Tyson: Yeah. Nice: That's very cool. Tyson: Now, did you catch the fact that I was not in shirt and tie in that interview? Nice: I was going to say that I really, really liked relaxed Neil in that. Tyson: I stripped down to my T-shirt on that one. Just so I can hang with the man. Nice: Okay, right on. Fisher: You were cool. You were very cool. Nice: That was very gay of you, Neil. Tyson: Thank you for that. Nice: By the way, let me just... Tyson: Not that there's anything wrong with that. Nice: No, I was gonna say, yeah. Let me go on record and say that that is my fantasy of my gay boyfriend. Tyson: Is that right? Nice: Yeah, if I had a gay boyfriend that would be like, you know what I mean? He's like good-looking and smart and... You know what I mean, and he's funny, and you know, like, that would be the guy. Tyson: Keep talking here. Yeah, keep going. [laughter] True confessions, you heard it here. [laughter] So, of course, relationships and advice columns, it's all, somewhere you part the curtains, there's typically the search for love... Fisher: Right. Tyson: ... in there. Tyson: So you're an academic, have you been able to define love? Fisher: Absolutely. Tyson: Yes?! You have? Fisher: I think we've evolved three distinctly different brain systems for mating and reproduction. One is the sex drive. Second one is feelings of intense romantic love. And the third is feelings of deep attachment. And I think all different forms of love are, you know, all kinds of different permutations... you like that word... combinations of these three basic brain systems operating in all kinds of ways to... Tyson: And that allows you to explain a lot of behavior that people exhibit... Fisher: Yeah. Tyson: ... when falling in and out of love. Fisher: But what I study is, I really study romantic love. The second of those three things. And there are some very specific things that happen. The first thing that happens when you fall madly in love is a person takes on what I call special meaning. And then you focus on them. You can list what you don't like about them, but you just sweep that aside and then focus on what you do. Tyson: Okay. So do you, now I, my records show here that you, you're like an advisor for Match.com? Is that right? Fisher: I'm chief scientific advisor to Match, yeah. Tyson: Chief science advisor! Nice: Science advisor! Tyson: Whoa! NICE: That's hot. Nice: That's hot. Tyson: Chief scientific advisor for Match. Nice: I got to tell you right now, I just got a little more attracted to you. [laughter] Fisher: And that works for me. [laughter] Tyson: Hey, get a room, you know. No, so... [laughter] Hey, get a room. So, so what's going on in the mind of a one-night stand? Fisher: Of a one-night stand? Tyson: Are they equally as... Nice: The problem with that is, is not going on in the mind. [laughter] Tyson: That is the problem. [laughter] Fisher: First of all it's, well, you can, all kinds of people, over one third of Americans have had a one-night stand. Actually, almost 60% have had a one-night stand. But what's interesting about one-night stands, over 30% turned into a long-term partnership. Tyson: And that's exactly how... Fisher: And there's brain circuitry for why. So basically casual sex is not casual, unless you're so drunk you don't remember it, it's not casual. Things happen in the brain. Tyson: 'Cause I had to ask Dan that. 'Cause people are asking him this all the time. And he's in a long-term marriage. Fisher: Right. Tyson: That began as a one-night stand. Fisher: A lot of people have. I mean, as I say, over 30% of people have had a one-night stand turn into a long-term relationship. Tyson: Let's find out what he's gonna tell us about one-night stands. Savage: I think that happens a lot more often than we know. Because people who meet... Tyson: 'Cause the one-night stand has such a stigma. Savage: Right, people who have sleazy meetings, they don't tell their kids about it. If your parents met in rehab, if your parents met in a sex club, or a dungeon somewhere. Tyson: Mm-hmm. Or the back seat of a '57 Chevy. Savage: Yeah. They're not gonna tell you. I actually wrote a series of columns... this is how long I've been doing my advice column... while Ann Landers was writing hers, she wrote a column, a bunch of columns where she invited her readers to share their 'how they met' stories. And they were all these meet-cute stories, like I danced with this boy at a USO. Danced during the w*r, and then we wrote letters to each other all through the w*r and then we met. Tyson: That's the generation who are now full-up adults. Savage: Yeah. But they were always so innocent. All of her stories. And I was just thinking about the people I knew who are in successful, loving, long-term relationships, many of which had really not innocent starts. Who met, who had one-night stands like Terry and I did, who met in rehab, who, you know, had a drunken three-way, and then fell in love with the guest at the three-way, the third, the spare. Tyson: The spare. Savage: But those aren't the stories you're gonna tell your grandparents or your kids. Tyson: No, that never gets out. Savage: No. So we have this distorted view of how a decent, loving relationship must start. And then people do this thing. Tyson: Oh, wait. I have to interrupt. You made such an important point there. Because if we give the view of love and romance that we want to be true, and that's what percolates. Then we establish cultural and social mores based on that. So that if anyone is different from it, you get ostracized. That's tragic, actually. Savage: It is tragic. But it's actually not, I think, the most damaging aspect of this sort of cultural belief that no decent relationship can have a sleazy start, because people will discount people as potential partners that they had a sleazy meeting with. They will say, you know, I might date this person, this might have been someone I would date, but look at what they did. Like, I couldn't date this person, we had a one-night stand. And no decent relationship can grow from a one-night stand, so I can't date this person. And no, decent relationships grow all the time from one-night stands. Fisher: Oh, absolutely, they do. For good biological reasons, too. Nice: Yeah. Fisher: I mean, any stimulation of the genitals drives up the dopamine system and you can fall, push you over the threshold into falling in love. And then with orgasm there's a real flood of oxytocin giving you feelings of deep attachment. Nice: Sex is a drug, is what you just said. Fisher: Say that again? Nice: Sex is a drug is what you just said. Fisher: Sex, well, sex is a drug, definitely a huge drug. What people, but an even bigger drug is romantic love. People don't, you know, you ask somebody to casually go to bed with you, and they say no thank you, you don't k*ll yourself. You know, around the world... Nice: Speak for yourself. [laughter] Fisher: Most crimes of passions aren't over that. I'm sorry for you. Tyson: Yeah, but what about, okay, you, okay. You said something very important. That this is a natural, biochemical phenomenon going on within us all. Fisher: Absolutely. Tyson: It is biology. Fisher: Yeah. Tyson: So then why does the one-night stand carry a stigma? Fisher: That's a really good question. Nice: I'll tell you why. Fisher: Okay, good. Nice: Because part of it is what he said, which was it doesn't make for a great story later on when you're with that person. That's why even if you did meet in a one-night stand, you will change the story. You will not say to your children, you know, when I met your mother, that ball gag looked so great in her mouth. And the way she used that riding crop was amazing. Tyson: What the?! Nice: And on top of that, she gave me a discount. Like, that's not gonna happen. Fisher: I can't imagine that's gonna be the start of a good relationship, to be perfectly honest with you. [laughter] Nice: I have to disagree. Fisher: You know, I mean, for thousands of years, marriage was the beginning of a relationship. Now it's the finale. We are really doing what I call fast sex and slow love. Tyson: So, love, we speak of it as being something that you're implying all these urges, imply that you know much more about the person, than some people would claim who would assert that they were in love, for example, on first sight? Fisher: Yeah. It's very easy to explain love at first sight, actually. Tyson: It's, so you can explain everything! Fisher: Well, not everything, but I can do that one. [laughter] Tyson: So when we come back, let's find out more about love at first sight on StarTalk. [applause] [applause] Tyson: We are back. StarTalk. Chuck Nice. Nice: Hey, hey. Always good to be here. Tyson: Chuck in the house. Nice: In the house. Tyson: And we've got Helen Fisher, an expert on sex, 'cause tonight we're talking about sex. Fisher: And love. Tyson: And love and relationships. And we're featuring my interview with Dan Savage. And he's a, author of Savage Love. Nice: Mm-hmm. Tyson: The advice column. Nice: Only the best kind. [laughter] Tyson: You know, so, you know, I'm curious about something. Some of the most famous love stories... Fisher: Yeah. Tyson: Would include, I don't know, Cleopatra and... Fisher: Right. Tyson: And there's beauty that might attract a mate, if it's female beauty, heterosexual female beauty. We think of the beauty of Helen of Troy. Fisher: Right. Tyson: And she launched a thousand ships. Fisher: You know, looks do count. I mean, there's breaking points all through a relationship. And the very first thing you do is you look at them. This is why Tinder is popular. Tyson: That's why Tinder's popular! Fisher: Exactly. Tyson: Love at first sight. Fisher: Absolutely. Tyson: Is it love at first sight or is it lust at first sight? Fisher: It depends, you know. Tyson: No, it doesn't. It's lust at first... Nice: It is lust. Fisher: It's both. I mean, it's very often both. I mean, you can trigger the brain circuitry for romantic love, and then everything about a person is sexy from that moment on. And then you can, you can go to bed with somebody and trigger the brain circuitry for romantic love. Nice: That's so true. Fisher: So they can be very well connected. Tyson: See she's got the wiring going... Fisher: Yeah, unless you're so drunk you can't remember it, of course, you know. [laughter] You know, the sex does mean something. Tyson: I asked Dan Savage, is love at first sight really possible? 'Cause he's got data from people trying to ask him about it. Let's check it out. Savage: Love at first sight is one of those phenomena that it is, some people believe it's true because... Tyson: Well, 'cause it would happen to them. Savage: It jives with their personal experience. Tyson: Yeah. Savage: But it's a logical fallacy. Because you may have had the exact same initial feelings about somebody else and it didn't work out. And so you don't say love at first sight isn't true, because when I felt love at first sight feelings for this person and it didn't work out, you disproved the theory. But I felt it for this person and it worked out, so it proves the theory. Tyson: So they remember the hits and not the misses. Savage: Right. And you can be with somebody where you have this, like, love at first sight feeling, be with them all your life, and you can say, oh, love at first sight is a true thing, and it actually happens. But somebody else may have had the exact same feelings for another person who turned out to be a jerk, and it didn't work out. You may have had the exact same feelings for somebody before you had your love at first sight experience. Tyson: Love at first sight, hate at second sight. Savage: Yeah. Love at first sight; hate in divorce court 15 years later. Nice: Well, okay. Tyson: Yeah, so he's looking at all the data. Tyson: All the data. Fisher: Not all of the data. Tyson: Well, no, but if you had love at first sight and you ended up divorced, then it's not really the true love that people look for from fairy tales. Fisher: Ah, true love. That's a different issue. Tyson: Oh! Okay. Fisher: But the bottom line is it's very easy to explain love at first sight. The brain circuitry for romantic love is like the fear system. You can be scared instantly, and you can fall in love instantly. And we really want to get to know somebody before we ever tie the knot, and so first things, we get right in bed with them. You learn a lot between the sheets about somebody. And then you move into the friends with benefits. Tyson: Or on the pool table. Yeah. [laughter] Did I just say that? Fisher: I imagine that would work. So basically, you know, you get them into bed right off the bat, or on the pool table, whatever, and then you, then you get, you know, the friends with benefits, and then you live together. And even with marriage, one third of Americans want to have some sort of prenup agreement, so, you know. But because we are marrying so much later, and really knowing the person before we do marry them, I think, I'm very optimistic about the future. That more and more relationships will retain, will remain. Tyson: So this is the secret to a successful relationship is what you're suggesting? Fisher: Uhh, I don't want to advise people to do it on a pool table in order to have a 50-year marriage. Nice: He missed the part about getting to know each other. Tyson: Let's find out what Dan Savage, what his recipe might be for a successful relationship. Check it out. Savage: I think being good to each other, taking care of each other, not taking each other for granted. And to try to put, keep things in perspective. You know, as a relationship adviser, what I'm constantly noticing is people who are obsessed with the things in their relationships that annoy them. And they can be very articulate and long-winded about their partner's faults or the things that they're dissatisfied with in their relationship. And nowhere near as long-winded or articulate about their partner's strengths, or what's good about the relationship. I call it paying the price of admission in a long-term relationship. There are things about your partner, there are edges you are gonna want to sand off. There are things that, as you come together, you're gonna carve a groove in each other so that you fit. There's no 'the one.' There's no perfect person for you. There's maybe a .64, and you round that guy up to one, or that woman up to one, or that some other point along the gender spectrum up to one. You make them the one. That's an act of will that you did for them, and they're doing the same for you. Tyson: That's an under-recognized need in a relationship. Because people are saying I want the person who I will then never have to change... Savage: It's a perfect marriage. Tyson: Right. Tyson: And in practice, no. If such a person exists, you're not finding them. 'Cause there's seven billion people in the world. Savage: That person doesn't exist. Tyson: Even in seven billion? Savage: Even in seven billion, that person, even if we get to seven trillion, that person does not exist. People, people grind against each other, people annoy each other. Tyson: So the inter... in math we might call that the intersection function. That function will, in any healthy relationship, need to be continually adjusted and modified. Savage: Right. But my point is with the price of admission is you sand off the edges you can sand off, so you fit together more comfortably. But then you have to identify those things that no matter how much you bitch and complain about them will never change. And you have to ask yourself is this person worth paying the price of admission to put up with that? And not put up with it, and complain about it, and guilt them about it all the time... put up with it and shut up about it. Tyson: So you have to weigh the rest of the relationship and say if it's worth it. Savage: Right. Fisher: That is a really interesting thing that you said and he said. Because we, there's all kinds of psychological things about making a happy relationship. But we look in the brain at happy relationships, and try to see which parts of the brain become active in a really good relationship. And the main part is the brain region which, linked with what we call positive illusions. The simple ability to overlook what you don't like about a human being, and focus on what you do. And actually that's what he was saying. Tyson: Because what I wonder is, even if you engage that... Fisher: Yeah. Tyson: There is the question of whether someone else attracts your attention down the line. Because this brings up the question of monogamy. And in fact, you know, Dan Savage coined a term... monogamish. [laughter] Nice: I'm not laughing at that there. [laughter] Tyson: Not entirely monogamous. You're monogamish. Nice: Mm-hmm. Tyson: More on Dan Savage's definition of monogamish when StarTalk continues. [applause] [applause] Tyson: StarTalk. We're back. Chuck Nice. Nice: Neil deGrasse Tyson. Tyson: Thank you. [laughs] Helen Fisher. We brought you in as a sex expert, 'cause we're featuring my interview with Dan Savage, author of Savage Love. We left off before the break wondering about monogamy. Because, Helen, you described the state of deep love where you ignore the things you might not like, embrace all that you do. And that, but how long can you sustain that? How long does it take before someone else comes up and says, hey, I don't have to brush aside as many things. And this tests one's monogamy. Now I ask this because when you comb the animal kingdom... Fisher: Right. Tyson: Monogamy is not as common as... Fisher: No. Tyson: ... we would wish it were. And if that's the case, what is the requirement that we expected of ourselves? Fisher: We've evolved what I call a dual human reproductive strategy. A tremendous strive to fall in love, pair up, rear our children as a team, and also a tendency to be adulterous. And you find it in every single culture, adultery. Tyson: Let's find out what Dan Savage says about this word, monogamish. Check it out. Savage: What we know about primates and mammals, we are not a naturally monogamous species. We are a pair-bonding species. But there's social monogamy, which is the pair-bonding, and there's sexual monogamy, which is never touching anybody ever again with your genitals. Tyson: And we've never split that before. Savage: No, we need to split it. All of these birds we used to look to and think, why can't we be monogamous like birds? Tyson: Like the eagles, and the... Savage: Yeah. Certain geese and little birds that would mate, and they would mate for life. And we would measure our failure as humans to live up to the standards set up by these damn birds. Well, along comes genetic testing, and we find out that these birds are screwing around on each other constantly. That they are socially monogamous pair-bonded, but they're not sexually monogamous. No primates with testicles our size are monogamous, sexually monogamous. Women, hidden menses. I'm not saying all this to say that people shouldn't go for monogamy if monogamy is something that they want, I'm not saying this to argue that people who made a monogamous commitment have license to violate that monogamous commitment. Tyson: And of course that's what headlines would do when they hear a phrase that comes out of your mouth. Savage: Right. And they do that. Tyson: Right. Savage: What I'm saying is we are not naturally monogamous, it is a difficult struggle for us. Chris Ryan, a sex writer, in his book, Sex at Dawn. Tyson: That's great; you just know all these sex writers. Savage: Well, I do, I read them all. He points out that, you know, all these cultures, you know, the sky religions, death penalty for adultery. While at the same time, we run around arguing that monogamy comes naturally to us as a species. Well, no other species has to be thr*at with death to do that which comes naturally to it. We don't point g*n at dolphins and say swim. Right? But we point g*n at each other and say don't cheat. Because monogamy comes naturally to us? And so my argument then isn't, you shouldn't have it, you shouldn't do it. My argument is we should be a little compassionate and understanding about the fact that monogamy is a struggle. That monogamous, what we said, what we believed, what we're told as children, is one day you'll grow up and fall in love with someone and you'll make a monogamous commitment to them, and that means you're in love with them. And when you're in love, you won't want to have sex with other people. And the truth is if you make a monogamous commitment to someone you love, you will still want to have sex with other people. You will refrain from it. It will be difficult. And so perhaps we need to look at people who've been in 50-year marriages and only cheated on each other once or twice and say they were good at monogamy. Not bad at it, good at it. And give them some credit for having done this thing that was difficult and unnatural, as a token of their love and affection and commitment. Almost completely successfully, it's like somebody standing on one foot for 50 years, that's kind of amazing. If they touched the ground two or three times to get their balance, we wouldn't go, they sucked at standing on their foot for 50 years, on one foot. Tyson: So what should happen going forward? Savage: Monogamish relationships. Tyson: Ish. Monogamish. [laughter] There it is. Fisher: It's hard to do, though. You know, people are jealous. Tyson: Splitting your love from your genitals. Is that, is that... Nice: Wow, that sounds painful. [laughter] That just sounds painful, I'm sorry. [laughter] Fisher: I hear you. Tyson: There's one exercise in the effort to split one's love from their genenitals, uh, genitals. [laughter] Genitals. Isn't there a, I forgot what they call it. In some marriage contracts there's like a, there's a... Fisher: Oh, yeah. Tyson: An exclusionary clause. Fisher: Yeah. Tyson: In case the one love of their life, usually a movie star or someone, happens to walk in... Fisher: A hall pass. Is it a hall pass? Right. Tyson: You get a hall pass. Nice: A hall pass. Tyson: If the love of your life just walks in the door and says let's do it. Fisher: Right. Tyson: And isn't that a manifestation of this... we've got to be honest with ourselves? Fisher: Well, all kinds of people, you know, the whole thing now is polyamory. The people will form a pair-bond and, you know, have a marriage and agree to have lovers on the side, or agree to have sex on the side. But it regularly doesn't work. We're a jealous animal. Nice: Yes. Fisher: We do not share. In fact, I was once, I was traveling in New Guinea in the highlands. And I had met a man who had three wives. And I asked him how many wives he'd like to have. And I thought he was gonna say, was he gonna say five? Was he gonna say 10? He was gonna say 25? Nice: None! Fisher: He said none. [laughter] Nice: I know, 'cause I got one. Fisher: Yeah, it's hard to share. You know, and we're not really built for that. Tyson: So, but it seems, so what you're saying is even if people put a hall pass clause in their marriage contract... Fisher: Yeah. Tyson: They don't really mean it with each other. Fisher: I think they mean it, they mean it cognitively. But emotionally, it's very difficult to do. Tyson: Let's find out what Dan Savage says about hall passes. Savage: I think that's a good thing. For two reasons. A... Tyson: I think the partners who agree to it, they're pretty sure it will never happen. That's why agree to it. Savage: That's one of the reasons I think it might be good for people who want to be monogamous. But they're also acknowledging and having that conversation that it's okay for each other to find others attractive. Tyson: Interesting point. It's an explicit... Savage: Acknowledgement that you desire... Tyson: You're not gonna lie to yourself. Savage: Right. And people in relationships will waste a lot of time and energy policing each other for evidence of what they already know to be true. Of course your husband wants to sleep with other people. Of course your wife is attracted to her Pilates instructor. You know, and you should be okay with that. But you hear all the time, you looked at that woman, you must want to have sex with her. Or you looked at that guy, ugh. It's like, yeah, of course. That means I'm not a... I get this letter all the time. 'It made me feel like I'm not enough for him.' And I write these people back and I say, you're not. Tyson: Well. Now here's an interesting point. Nice: Mm-hmm. Tyson: Lately, recent decades, perhaps, we've been a little more candid with ourselves about where you are on the sexual spectrum. How does that play out in the discussions of love, and... Fisher: Exactly the same. In the Singles in America studies, the gays and lesbians were exactly like the straights. They fell in love the same amount of times, they were equally eager to remarry the person that they're married to now. They have the same number of home-cooked meals. They're very similar. And when you look in the brain, it's exactly the same brain system. It, you know, h*m* is who you are in love with. But I study how you feel when you're in love. And it's exactly the same in the gays, too. Tyson: And how you feel when you love, there's no, there's no difference. Fisher: Seems to be no difference in the brain, no difference in behavior. Tyson: When we come back, more on this gender identity and how it manifests within the brain. On StarTalk. [applause] [applause] Tyson: This is StarTalk. Tonight we're talking about sex, gender, relationships, love. All of the above. And, Helen, you wrote a book. The First Sex. We're trying to identify the fundamental differences between men and women. Biological, neurological differences, I guess. And what have you found? Fisher: Well, I mean, men and women... Tyson: And these are men, genetic men and genetic women. Fisher: Right. Tyson: Not people who want to express themselves as one or the other. Fisher: Well, we're all, you know, wide variations of both sexes. Tyson: In terms of expression. Fisher: Yeah, in terms of expression, and in terms of the brain. The way brain physiology is, et cetera. I think men and women are like two feet. They need each other to get ahead. But for millions of years, they did different jobs. And that built really some differences in the male and the female brain. And... Tyson: And how do you know? How do you know what's going on in the brain? Fisher: We put people in brain scanners. Tyson: Oh! There you go. Nice: That's romantic. [laughter] Fisher: And a lot of other people do, too. As a matter of fact... Tyson: Are you telling me you put electrodes on somebody's, somebody's head, on two people's head, and say tell each other that you love one another. How does it, do you really solicit this in the laboratory? Fisher: Absolutely. Well, we put people in a brain scanner. And you can only get one person in a brain scanner, it's a tiny, little hole. Tyson: Okay. Nice: So like an MRI? Fisher: It's an MRI. Nice: Okay. Fisher: Yes. Fisher: And we show them a photograph of their sweetheart. And I get them to think about love, not sex. And we study the brain circuitry of romantic love and feelings of attachment. And even the sex drive will come up, too. Nice: And you got men to agree to do this? Fisher: Well, one guy wanted to look at Angelina Jolie. So that wasn't too hard. [laughter] And in fact, Angelina Jolie made less activity in his brain than looking at his own wife. Because with Angelina Jolie, all you have is a fantasy. With your wife, you've got the smells, the tastes, the good sense of, the jokes, et cetera and so, so much more. But I thought it was rather courageous of him. Nice: He had no problem getting laid after that. Fisher: No. We did him a service, yeah. Tyson: So I chatted with Dan Savage about just men versus women, you know, this thing. And let's get his take on this. Check it out. Savage: One of the things I think makes a difference between male and female is testosterone. And there's been some really... Tyson: The hormonals. Savage: Yeah. Savage: Really interesting stuff written by people who were born into, a coercively assigned female at birth, people who were born into women's bodies who were men, who then transitioned to male and took testosterone. And they have written about how their sexual thoughts, fantasies, everything radically changed after testosterone. Tyson: A colleague of mine just transitioned. Savage: Hmm. Tyson: Male to female. Savage: Mm-hmm. Tyson: And we already know how to communicate with one another because we're colleagues. We're scientists, we contemplate the universe daily. So it's interesting to already know how to communicate with him becoming a her. And then have her now tell me changes within her. And she was saying she had completely different ensembles of thoughts in response to things that she knew intellectually she would've responded to differently as a man. Savage: Mm-hmm. Tyson: To the point where she said... this is a phrase I'll never forget... she began to question free will. Savage: Oh, my God. Tyson: This was... [laughter] This was, oh, it was like, wow. The things guys do in society where most of the criminals are guys, right? And so why isn't that equal? And he's telling me there are things he wanted to do, but had no urge to do it. Savage: Sex is 500 million years old, we are 200,000 years old. Sex built us. We inherited it. One of the lies we tell kids is, you're gonna grow up one day and have sex. No, no. You're gonna grow up one day and sex is gonna have you. Tyson: So... Nice: Wow. Tyson: Yeah, so what, you do transgender studies within your brain, your brain scans? Fisher: Yes, just like you with your friend. There's all these wonderful stories about how when people transition from one sex to the next, when a women goes into being a man, she becomes more visual, she has a harder time, he finds, now has a harder time finding the right word. There really are, these hormones really are, evolved millions of years ago to get us operated in certain ways so that we can survive. And there's no question about it, if you inject some of them, you're gonna change. You're gonna change your behavior. Tyson: Well, tell me about romance. Because there's a, there's the stereotype that, you know, women want the flowers, or whatever is that stereotype. Nice: Are women more romantic? Fisher: No. Tyson: Yeah, who's more romantic? Fisher: Men are more romantic. There's a great deal of studies of this, and we have in my Singles in America studies with Match.com, we've proven it. They fall in love faster because they're so visual. They fall in love more regularly. They want more public displays of affection, I think it's called mate-guarding in science. Nice: That makes sense. Yeah. Fisher: And men are more interested in fetishes than women. Tyson: We will get back to that after this break on StarTalk. [applause] [applause] Tyson: StarTalk is back. We're talking about dating, relationships. Got my interview with Dan Savage in San Francisco. Helen Fisher. Expert on this sort of thing. Chuck is an expert, too, but there's no degrees to demonstrate that fact. [laughter] But that hasn't stopped him from weighing in on everything you've said. [laughter] Can love be swapped with a fantasy, and no love can equal that, and so you lead a depressed life for having never equaled these desires? Nice: Wow, that's great. Fisher: I would imagine so. I don't know. I've never studied it. Tyson: Are romantic comedies these unreachable ways that women want men to behave? Nice: Yeah, you should put women in an MRI while they're watching When Harry Met Sally. [laughter] Fisher: I would, I would, the whole thing would light up. Tyson: I got to ask. You said before the break that men are more romantic than women. Tyson: It seems then to me... Fisher: Yeah. Tyson: That men would be flocking to romantic comedies. Fisher: Mm-hmm. Tyson: And they don't. Tyson: Men would be flocking to romance novels, and they don't. Fisher: No, they don't. But romance novels are about romantic love. They're not about sex. Fifty Shades of Grey is about sex, and women are flocking to that. And men aren't flocking to them, they're flocking to more visual p*rn. 'Cause men are more visual than women. For millions of years, men had to h*t that buffalo in the head with a rock. And the bottom line is you got to have very good visual skills. And men are going much more for visual p*rn than women do. Women go for romance. Tyson: That's your account. Alright. So, what about fetishes? I think the data show that men... Fisher: Are much more, yeah. Tyson: Fetish prone. Fisher: Yeah. Fisher: I think the bottom line is women are the custodian of the egg. And so as men, who in every society, you know, they do much more of the... Tyson: Exploratory sex. Fisher: Yeah. Fisher: You know, if a man can get a sexual opportunity and pass his DNA on to tomorrow, he will win. And so men will remember those little moments in which he won. And it will turn into a fetish. Tyson: Let's find out what Dan Savage has to say about it. Savage: Humans are infinitely perverse. And the way our imaginations can snap onto anything and nobody quite understands why. There are some theories that it has to do with the same capacity of our complicated, crazy brains that allows for abstract thought in human speech. Also it has wired into it this, like, snatching stuff randomly out of your life and out of experience and eroticizing it. People are aroused by swim caps and pies and balloons, right? Like, where did that come from? Well, it's some sort of abstract reach around erotica. Tyson: You make an important point that I want to emphasize, that we have certain talents and profiles that are distinctly human. But that is not just the one expression of that talent. Savage: No. Tyson: There's a portfolio of forces that come together for that. And how else do those, the elements of that portfolio manifest? Savage: And if perversion, or what's been labeled perversion, is linked to those qualities and those things, maybe we should celebrate it instead of stigmatizing it. It becomes bundled together. Abstract thought, capacity for speech, with this propensity towards eroticizing things that don't seem erotic to other people, we should celebrate those diverse sexual interests rather than stigmatize them. Tyson: So, Helen, what does your studies say about perversion? Fisher: Well, I mean, I, uh... I don't actually study perversions. I study normal people who are madly in love or feeling deeply attached. Tyson: So perverse people are not normal. Fisher: Well, I... Tyson: I ask that quite seriously. Because what is normal? Fisher: As long as you keep your mouth shut and don't go, you know, singing it in the streets and keep it in the bedroom, I can't imagine that it would be perverse. Tyson: Isn't it true that... Fisher: As long as everybody is eager to play. Tyson: But isn't it true that psychology dictionaries used to have a whole portfolio of human states of mind and condition that were considered abnormal? Fisher: Even h*m* was considered abnormal until recently. Tyson: So this is an evolving definition? Fisher: Right. You know, we are a sex negative society. We have long equated sex with sin. All of Asia... Tyson: We in the West. Fisher: Yeah, in the West. Fisher: I mean, in Asia they don't link sex with God. You know, sex is part of the normal flow of life. Tyson: Biology. Fisher: Yes, biology. Well, it's a lot of things. But certainly biology. But, yeah, I think all of these things are going to, just like he's moving the discussion forward. And I think as we shed 10,000 years of our agrarian tradition, where you had to marry the right girl from the right background, the right kin connection, hopefully from a bigger farm next door. We're now turning inwards to find somebody who we want. And we're beginning to... Tyson: Rather than who your parents want. Fisher: Yeah. And we're beginning to build the kind of relationships that we have, as long as we keep it in our own home, I think that a lot of these stigmas will disappear. Tyson: You know what I want to talk about more? I want to talk more about Tinder. Nice: Tinder! Tyson: And you know what else? I want to find out what Bill Nye the Science Guy has to say about all this sex stuff. Nice: Bill Nye's on Tinder? [laughter] Tyson: Did I, did I say that? [laughter] Chuck, just because they're two parts of a sentence, doesn't mean one is the other. Nice: So true. Tyson: We're gonna find out all about that when StarTalk continues. [applause] [applause] Tyson: StarTalk. Dating, sex and relationships, the science of. Don't you want to know what Bill Nye the Science Guy thinks of sex? Nice: Oh, I do. [laughter] Fisher: So do I. Tyson: Let's find out what my good friend Bill Nye has to say about sex. Bill Nye: When it comes to sex, we're all animals. Sex is how you pass your genes into the future. It's evolution's way of providing innovation. New traits, new colors, new shapes. For most animals, they have sex during a single season, single time of year. It's just something you got to get done if you're a living thing on Earth. It's business. But when it comes to humans, we want to have sex all the time. Procreation, shmocreation. Apparently, the same evolutionary processes that gave us this big brain allowed us to predict the future and see what a burdensome situation sex can put you in. So along with that, evolutionary processes created this super-hard drive to have sex anytime, anywhere. Actually there's a great deal of evidence now that all kinds of different animals get pleasure from having sex. Now why would that be? Well, evolution is what determines our size and shape, how tall we are, our hair color, and so on. Well, apparently it also determines what we feel, our emotions. So by getting pleasure out of sex, we are driven to have sex and pass our genes on. I mean, check this guy out. There's something going on in this boy panda's mind when he looks at the girl panda. He's thinking, vive la différence, or long live the difference. In fact, that's the essence of this. Without sex, your genes wouldn't live long at all. You know, all this talk about sex is making me hungry. Wait, that's not what I meant. All this talk about sex is making me horny. [laughter, applause] Tyson: Give it up for Bill. [applause] So tell me about sex drive. Fisher: About the sex drive? Tyson: Yeah, because that's not love drive, that's sex drive. Fisher: Well, it's primitive, it's ancient, it's primordial, and we all carry it around in our heads and do it regularly. But I do think that animals actually love as well as the, you know, no animal will copulate with anybody. Too old, too young, too scruffy, too scrubbed, wrong color, wrong shape, wrong size, they won't do it. Nice: No, no, Helen, let's be honest here. No female will do it. [laughter] And you know that's the truth. In the animal kingdom the male will do anybody. Tyson: I think he's right. Nice: The female is the one who makes the decision. Tyson: A male dog humps a tree stump. So clearly, it does not matter to the dog. Fisher: When a female in heat is not pretty, is not too picky, either, you know. Tyson: Yeah, yeah. Nice: Yeah, yeah. Fisher: I mean, big time. Nice: Yes. Fisher: So... Nice: I have yet to mate one of those. [laughter] Tyson: So sex is online now. I guess that was inevitable. And Tinder, what's that about? Fisher: Well, first of all, it actually works, Tinder actually works pretty well. Because the first thing you have to do anyway is look at a person. And it'll say a lot about a person when you take a look at 'em. Tyson: Yeah, yeah. Fisher: And then you got to go meet them. The bottom line is these are not dating sites. They're introducing sites. And when you get into the bar or into the coffee house or whatever and you sit down, the ancient human brain works the way it always has, and you court the way you did a million years ago. Tyson: So I've been married 28 years, which means I have no idea how these dating sites work. I have no idea what Tinder is, how it works, what it is, so I got Dan Savage to explain it to me. Check it out. So you submit a photo, as I understand it. And you say what you're looking for. Age range and that sort of thing. And then there's a photo of that person, and you either say yes or no. Savage: Swipe left or swipe right. Tyson: Yeah, okay. And if you're left-right dyslexic, that could be a problem. Savage: And if you swipe them in the right direction and they swipe you in the right direction, the app hooks you up. The app introduces you. Tyson: I'm betting that the inventors of the global positioning satellite... Savage: Never anticipated this. Tyson: Never anticipated that there would be an app that localizes you on the surface of the Earth to find someone else you can have sex with in a few hours. This is an extraordinary application. [laughter] Savage: Well, that's what humans always do. Tyson: An extraordinary application of tax money. Savage: That's what humans always do with new technology. Tyson: GPS is a military project by the Air Force. Savage: We always do that with new technologies. The first use, the first adaptation of new technology will be to the service of our sex lives, our romantic lives. And whatever it is, like, the phone was considered this socially destabilizing, revolutionary, subversive, creepy thing. 'Cause a young man could call your daughter in your house. The car. People freaked out about the car. Because a young couple could go be alone. Fisher: That was a big thing, the car. It was bigger than even contraceptive pills. In the 1940s, the car, it was a mobile bedroom. And it really... Tyson: Back when cars were large enough to be a mobile bedroom. Now it's like, you know, a contortionist. Nice: Yeah, exactly. Tyson: Not that I would know. Nice: Not doing that, not doing that in a Smart car. [laughter] Tyson: The no-sex car is what that is. So, so, do you embrace the role of technology now in the role of dating? Fisher: Absolutely. You know, we've got this... Tyson: Says the woman who is the advisor to Match.com. [laughter] Fisher: No, you know, we no longer have parents who can fix us up. By middle age, you know, you've gone through people who your girlfriends could introduce you to. You've met everybody you want, might've wanted to meet at work, and it's cheap, it's easy, and it's safe. So why wouldn't we want to do it? All through our life. Tyson: It's just a little weird to see somebody swiping their thumb on the Tinder screen. Fisher: But, you know... Tyson: And I'm told there's a condition called Tinder thumb. Fisher: Oh, really? Tyson: Yeah, Tinderitus. [laughter] Nice: Oh, I thought that was from doing something else. [laughter] Fisher: But you know what? Romantic love is like a sleeping cat. It can be awakened at any moment. And that person is just out for sex on Tinder or wherever, and I don't think they're all out for just sex. They meet the person that triggers the brain circuitry... Tyson: Says the woman. Fisher: For romantic love. And they're off to the races on something even more powerful than sex. Nice: That's a very interesting point. So are you saying that there is very little academics when it comes to love? In other words, love makes you stupid? [laughter] Fisher: Love does make you stupid. Nice: Love makes you stupid. Okay. Fisher: As a matter of fact, whole brain regions begin to shut down. Tyson: Shut down. It makes you stupid. That's what it is. There's no place else we can take this conversation from there. Chuck Nice, thanks for being on StarTalk. Nice: Always. Tyson: As always. Tyson: And Helen Fisher, if sex comes up again, we're gonna find you. Fisher: Yeah, I'm not hard to find. Tyson: We're gonna put you right back in this seat. Fisher: Thank you very much. Tyson: Alright, everyone, you've been watching StarTalk. I've been your host, Neil deGrasse Tyson. As always, I bid you to keep looking up. Nice: That was great.

{"type": "series", "show": "StarTalk", "episode": "01x03 - Dan Savage"}

foreverdreaming

Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson: From the American Museum of Natural History in New York City and beaming out across all of space and time, this is Star Talk, where science and pop culture collide. (Applause) Chuck Nice, welcome back. Chuck Nice: Hey, it's a pleasure to be here. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So, you know we're talking about today? I snared an interview with the one, the only, Arianna Huffington. So we bring in uh, Professor Jeff Jarvis. Thanks for being on Star Talk. Jeff Jarvis: I feel like I'm gonna get a master's degree just tonight (Laughing) for being here. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: We have special... we have special certificates for that. The evening school certificate. You're a professor of journalism at the City University of New York. Jeff Jarvis: That's right. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Excellent. And how would you describe your specialty? Jeff Jarvis: Uh, I teach journalists to make money. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: That's the good answer. So you wrote a book, Geeks Bearing Gifts. Jeff Jarvis: Imagining New Futures for News. Arguing that there is a future for news. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Excellent. 'Cause sometimes I wonder. Jeff Jarvis: Yeah. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Our guest, my interview, Arianna Huffington, invented a whole other way for... to bring news. Jeff Jarvis: They laughed when she sat down on the keyboard, but by God, she made an empire, didn't she? Chuck Nice: She certainly did. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: That what it is. So let's find out from my interview with her. She had visited the museum, I brought her up to my office, I just wondered, what is the genesis of this empire? So let's go back to the beginning and find out where she came from, where she's going. Arianna Huffington: This year, we are ten years old. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Happy birthday. Arianna Huffington: Thank you so much. And when we were born, the conversation had not yet moved online in the way that it has moved online now. One of the first things that we did, we kind of elevated blogging. Because before The Huffington Post, bloggers tended to be stereotyped as people who couldn't get a job, blogging in their pajamas in their parents' basement. (Chuckles) So we invited a lot of people who could have access to the New York Times and a write their own books, to also blog. We wanted them to be part of the online conversation. There is no hierarchy. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Mmm. Arianna Huffington: So that was also the magic of the Internet, that you didn't know who would be reading what and what would happen. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So, Jeff, she invents an entire branch of news, effectively. Is that.. I don't think I exaggerate when I say this. Jeff Jarvis: No. She didn't invent blogging, but she then took blogging and used her rolodex to bring stars into it and give it some measure of... Chuck Nice: Legitimacy? Jeff Jarvis: Yeah. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Because before that bloggers, like she said, were just people in their underwear in the basement. Jeff Jarvis: I'm here in my pajamas today. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Yeah. Yeah. And thinking that everyone cares about what they think. Jeff Jarvis: Yeah, but there were a few steps in blogging. I started blogging after 9/!!. I was here in New York and we were called w*r bloggers at the time. Uh, there were political bloggers, there were food bloggers and money bloggers, there had been these phases of bloggers. But at the end of the day, it's just people owning a printing press. We're all Gutenberg now. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Interesting. Chuck Nice: Mhm. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So would you say that we have entered a new era of news? Chuck Nice: But is blogging news? Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Yeah, I know, yeah. Chuck Nice: That's really... You can say we've entered a new era of news, but is blogging news, or is it more, mm, opinion driven? Jeff Jarvis: It's just a publishing tool. It can be anything. I mean, literally, we all have a Gutenberg press in our pocket now. We can all publish to the entire world. We can say what we want to. That can be news, it can be information, it can be opinion, it can be anything we want it to be. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: But there was a day when we had tools in place, or filters in place to know if you didn't otherwise know for yourself, whether somebody is speaking truth, or insightful opinions. Jeff: Uuuh, you believed that... Dr. Neil: Or whether they just got their head up their rectum. Chuck Nice: So are you saying that entire construct was nothing more than a mirage? Jeff Jarvis: Yeah. Chuck Nice: Wow. (Laughter) I didn't expect that! Jeff Jarvis: Yeah, I was part of it. I was a newspaper guy. (Laughter) But, but no. Who's to say that, just because I own the printing press I'm the guy who knows everything and you don't? Um, no. We really have the opportunity... Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Well, wait a minute. Wait, wait. I think of Ben Franklin. He was a printer. Okay? You don't become that unless people trusted what you said. Jeff Jarvis: No, you go out and buy a press. You got the money. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Yeah, he had the money. Jeff Jarvis: Yeah. You buy a press that was it. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Okay, never mind, you got that. You win that argument. (Laughter) Let's move on. (Laughter) We're done there. So is it just a matter of speed, or is it fundamentally different in kind? Jeff Jarvis: I think it's fundamentally different because now in our little microcosm of the blogworld, the blogosphere, we are in networks. And that's critically new. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Is a network anything different from the fact that we, in the day, when any big city had two, three, sometimes four different competing newspapers, one set of people read one kind of paper, another kind of people set another kind of paper, and the news was not always reported the same way? So the news... your access to the news define communities. Jeff Jarvis: Indeed. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: And weren't they linked together by the news they had in common? Jeff Jarvis: Right. And I think we're coming to the end of the idea of the mass. There's a couple of academics out of the University of Southern Denmark who talk about the Gutenberg parenthesis. The Gutenberg was a 600-year exception in history. And from a time when knowledge was passed around mouth to mouth and it changed along the way, and then along came Gutenberg and changed everything. And it changed the way we see the world. We cognate the world now in packages, beginnings, and ends. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Love that verb. Cognate. Do we all cognate? Or just in private do we? Jeff Jarvis: Well, uh... On Twitter, it's debatable. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: It's debatable. (Laughter) Jeff Jarvis: So we see the world differently now. Now we come to the other end, they argue, where now knowledge is passed around click to click. It's changed along the way, remixed... Dr. deGrasse Tyson: The other parentheses is kicking in that's bounding the era of the Gutenberg influence. Jeff Jarvis: Exactly. So now I think we return to a time where we're not seen as a mass all the same. Now we're seen as individuals and communities again, and we redefine ourselves in communities. Chuck Nice: But is it really a redefinition? Or is it just the fact that because you know, uh, when Neil was talking about newspapers, what you had was a very particular bias for... Dr. deGrasse Tyson: All of the newspapers. A polite way would be "point of view." Chuck Nice: But it really is a bias. Okay? And each paper had its own bias, and that's how they printed the news, according to that bias. And now what you find is instead of that particular bias, people just seek out the news that they already agree with. Jeff Jarvis: Uh... Dr. deGrasse Tyson: And not only that. Let me add to that. Chuck Nice: You don't think that? Jeff Jarvis: Oh ye have little faith in your fellow man, but go ahead. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: You're outnumbered two to one here. So we win. Chuck Nice: Actually, no. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So, so no. H my fellow man. (Laughter) Jeff Jarvis: That's how you make a living. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So, here's the thing. So what Arianna also did was aggregate news. Jeff Jarvis: Mhm. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: That means she's picking news that she's collecting under this one umbrella. So when you talk about point of view, she can pick points of view that she likes. Chuck Nice: Hmm. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So tell me about aggregation as a movement in the Internet age of news. Jeff Jarvis: Well, if you go to any story on Google news right now, there'll be 2,000 versions of the same story. And because we have this overabundance, you could argue, of content now, somebody needs to come along and find the good stuff. That's aggregation. It's not a bad thing. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Okay. So here's what I wonder. If I'm a news source and I'm known for my aggregating, and everyone reads me, then who's gonna pay for the people to be the investigative journalists? Chuck Nice: Ooh, that's a very good question. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: If I'm sitting there just raking it in. Chuck Nice: If everybody is pulling together news, who is going to go out and get the news? Dr.Neil: And make the news? Now I asked Arianna that question. Chuck Nice: Oh cool. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Check it out. Arianna Huffington: Right now, aggregation doesn't mean what you think it means because if you do it right, and we do, you drive traffic back to the creator of the content, and that's really the key. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: That's the Web of this. Arianna Huffington: Yes, it's the Web. So our promise to our readers is we'll bring the best of the Web. Even if we had tens of thousands of journalists, we cannot claim that we're going to produce the only worthwhile things for you to consume. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So, okay. So that's a good point. Chuck Nice: That is a very good point. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So let me ask you though, what of rumors that people then treat as fact? What is your responsibility as a journalism professional to contain rumors becoming facts? Jeff Jarvis: That's what keeps us employed. Right? You have a flow of information that's occurring without media anymore, and the journalists are here to add value to that. To debunk rumors, to confirm facts. To answer questions, to ask the questions that aren't being asked and answered. That's what a journalist needs to do in essence. Chuck Nice: I'm sorry. Have you seen Fox News? (Laughter) Jeff Jarvis: Did you define them as journalists? Chuck Nice: No. (Laughing) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: By the way, Fox is the majority owner of National Geographic Channel. Just to... (Laughter) Chuck Nice: Can we get him fired? In the interest of full disclosure... Chuck Nice: As I said... Have you seen Fox News? (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: In the next segment, Chuck will be summarily removed. By men in black. Alright. So, you see yourself as the keeper... I'm putting words in your mouth. As the keeper of the truth, selecting from this river of rumors or partial truths that which the public should receive... Jeff Jarvis: No. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: ... as the filtered information. Jeff Jarvis: Not anymore. We are not the gatekeepers. We are not the holders of the Holy Temple of Truth. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Who is the gatekeeper? Jeff Jarvis: There isn't one. Dr. Tyson: That's scary. Jeff Jarvis: Um. No. There's all kinds of sources of information. There's all kinds of signals of authority and authenticity. And what do you do in the academia? You reel academics. Right? You use citations. What did Google do? Google came along and said if the content is more often cited, it's probably better content. It's probably more reliable. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Except... Jeff Jarvis: Oh wizard of the universe. (Laughter) Chuck Nice: You shall not pass. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: If I search Google for flat earth, it will find me every website in the world that celebrates a flat earth. And I will think that my views are mainstream, or that I'm not weirdly, uh... Chuck Nice: Outside of the fray. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Outside of the fray. Because other forces are operating to feed my delusion. Jeff Jarvis: Okay. So professor doctor. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Yeah? Jeff Jarvis: It is your responsibility. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: It's Neil to you. (Laughter) Jeff Jarvis: It is your responsibility to blog more so you rise up. Put more good stuff on to drive the bad stuff down. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Okay. Chuck Nice: Interesting. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So so you put it back me again. Jeff Jarvis: The universe is on your shoulders. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: I'll get to work on that now. (Laughter) Well, when we have sort of high-profile guests like Arianna Huffington for Star Talk, I always like asking them whether science played any role in their lives, either good or bad. 'Cause we're a science show, and I like seeing what those forces of nature are. So we'll be checking that out, when Star Talk comes back. (Applause) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: This is Star Talk. We are back. Here in the beautiful Hall of the Universe of the Rose Center for earth and space. Chuck Nice: Absolutely. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: I'm feeling the cosmic forces here. Chuck Nice: Every time you say that, I feel like we should be wearing costumes. (Laughter) I don't know why. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: With light sabers. Chuck Nice: Here in the Hall of the Universe. (Laughter) Jeff Jarvis: He's your father. (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: I am your father, yes. So I got Chuck Nice here, Jeff Jarvis, a professor of journalism. And what's the title of one of your classes? Jeff Jarvis: Entrepreneurial journalism. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Entrepreneurial. Jeff Jarvis: Teaching journalists to start businesses, to feed themselves, and also we have a new master's degree in social journalism. Chuck Nice: So the utilization of social media? Jeff Jarvis: More than that. Chuck Nice: More than that? Jeff Jarvis: Trying to turn journalism on its head to listen to communities first, understand what their needs are first before we think we're so big that we know what you need. Chuck Nice: Wow. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: That's good. So, so what I wonder is I'm always curious whether someone who is successful in one job or another, how much influence science literacy may have had in their lives? Did they enjoy their science classes, did they not? So do you find journalists to be better or not... ? Is there anything in there that you can say, these make a better journalist if you have that kind of background? Jeff Jarvis: Oh yeah. I think curiosity, I think the ability to listen first. But unfortunately. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Good scientists do that? We are curious people. Jeff Jarvis: But, we need to teach journalists how to appreciate science, write about science, understand science. We don't do that enough, frankly. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So with that... in that spirit, I approached Arianna and I said, did science, or science literacy, or science curiosity, did any of that impact your life? Let's check it out. Arianna Huffington: It wasn't really until later in life that I discovered science and fell in love with it in a very, very unusual way, actually. Because I've always been drawn to spirituality and I've always been drawn to religion and then I started seeing and reading how many scientists actually had a religious foundation or... Dr. Tyson: Most. If you go far enough back, it's most of them. Arianna Huffington: We're drawn to science through wonder, which Aristotle considers sort of the foundation. So that was kind of my unusual connection to science. And at The Huffington Post, we launched a science section, but I asked our editor to focus a lot on this intersection between science and religion and to break kind of the illusion that scientists are all anti-spiritual and that science negates spirituality, because it doesn't. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Mhm. One of the things, of course, that religion and science have in common is a sense of wonder. Maybe they're wondering about different things but nonetheless the feeling is surely similar. Arianna Huffington: And a sense of mystery. I mean, I think... I find scientists, the best scientists, are very humble because even though they discover so much, they are always aware of how much is left to be discovered. And for me that's probably the essence of religion, that we don't really know a lot of what life is about and the universe is about, so that's kind of another connection. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: And you can't get more humble than staring into the abyss of the universe knowing... Arianna Huffington: I have not stared into the abyss of the universe as much as you have, but I bet that's the case. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So what's interesting to me is I ask her about science and spirituality comes up right in the same phrasings. I was there describing the commonality of feeling perhaps. Chuck Nice: A sense of wonder. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: And she says that there's no conflict between sciences... Well, there is a conflict if religion is gonna make a testable claim. And then science tests it, and it's either true or not. Most of the time it's actually not true. Chuck Nice: But see, that's where religion wins Mr. DeGrasse Tyson Doctor. Because the claims they make are not testable. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: (Laughing) Okay, so then there you have it. (Laughter) We're done. Right, right. But let me use this then as metaphor for dialogue... dialogue is not the right word... for conflict that unfolds in public spaces, especially journalistic spaces. I'll say something about religion, or... and the people just jump in, and they fight, and they argue, and they scream, and I just watch this go on even when I didn't say anything controversial. I was just saying something observational. One of my tweets on Christmas Day, people lost their minds on this tweet. Christmas Day. On this day... This is my tweet. "On this day, long ago, a child was born." Who by the time he turned thirty, would transform civilization. Happy birthday, Isaac Newton." Chuck Nice: Heretic! (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: "Born December 25th, 1642." People lost their mind! That is a 100 percent accurate statement. Chuck Nice: Yes. Jeff Jarvis: Yeah. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: But people lost their minds. Jeff Jarvis: But wait a second. Chuck Nice: Because, because, because... Dr. deGrasse Tyson: How many? You wanna know how many? Chuck Nice: Yeah. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: I can quantify it. Alright? My average tweet gets like 3,000 retweets. Average. And a good tweet might get 10,000. That tweet on Christmas Day got 81,000 retweets. Jeff Jarvis: Woow. Dr.deGrasse Tyson: You know why? Because a media source online, one of your people, had a headline that said, Tyson Trolls Christians on Christmas Day. Chuck Nice: That's awesome. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: And I'm thinking. if I'm blogging about Isaac Newton. This is like my man, Isaac Newton. Who actually has the benefit of actually having been born on. Chuck Nice: Which by the way, Jesus was not. (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: And Jesus was not. So... Chuck Nice: Which is what makes the whole thing so great! Dr. deGrasse Tyson: That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. So people said, we demand you take down the tweet. I said, it's an accurate... it's a true tweet. So the next day, I want to fight back, in a polite way. And I said, I dream of a day when... Chuck Nice: Little black boys and little white boys (Laughter) ... will come together. (Laughter) Scientists and believera. (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: I dream of a day when objective truths... I dream of a day when people are enlightened by objective truths rather than offended by them. Jeff Jarvis: Okay, here's the issue. Neil, there's always been bozos, fools, and idiots on earth. Always. You could hear them a little easier now. But don't believe... (Laughter) ... that just because some small thousand number said something stupid to you on Twitter, that's the end of the universe. It's not. You're okay. It will be okay. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: But that was enough to get people fighting. So the modern media allows people to scream at one another, whether or not they have a background to justify their arguments. And what do you do with that in your journalism analysis? Jeff Jarvis: It's hard, because I think that these days, we've got to take a stand for what's right, and sometimes things are right. I had this discussion in class the other day where... You tell me, scientist. I believe that we're pretty set now that measles vaccines are the right way to go. So if we as journalists want to deal with the truth, I think that's pretty clear. It's not a two-sided thing, get one side and the other side, get in. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: There's none of this get half the other argument. Jeff Jarvis: No. And so how do we judge our success as journalists then? Dr. Neil: But just to be clear, the journalistic ethos is, you must give equal time to the other side of a story. Jeff Jarvis: Which is bullpucky. Chuck Nice: I was gonna say, why is that the ethos? Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Bull... What's that word? Jeff Jarvis: Bullpucky. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Bullpucky. Didn't hear that one in the hood. (Laughter) Did you hear that one in the hood? Chuck Nice: Yeah, growing up in the hood all the time. "Man, what you say?" "Oh, that is bullpucky." (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Okay. So we entered a digital era, post-Gutenberg era. Is that fair? Jeff Jarvis: Yes. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: We're on the other side of that parentheses. Jeff Jarvis: Yes. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Where whole other challenges have befallen us. Simply because of that fact. And we'll learn more about that next on Star Talk. (Applause) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Star Talk is back. Chuck Nice, Jeff Jarvis, professor of journalism. Chuck Nice, comedian. Chuck Nice: Yes. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Yeah, just to verify. Chuck Nice: Thank you for giving me a handle as well. (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Just Chuck Nice. Chuck Nice: Chuck Nice. Some dude that was out. On 5th avenue. Jeff Jarvis: I like professor of comedy. Chuck Nice: Professor of comedy. I'm gonna let you keep liking that. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: There you go. (Laughter) Chuck Nice: Cause I can't claim it. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So what we want to explore here is, we've got this digital age. So information is instant. People can celebrate in an instant. People can argue in an instant. And these... these elements did not have a precedent in the world of media reporting. Jeff Jarvis: Every time there's a new major technology we go through what I would call techno-panic. The first serious discussion... Dr. deGrasse Tyson: I like that. It happens every time. Jeff Jarvis: It does. The first serious discussion of a legal right to privacy in the United States occurred with the invention of what technology? The Kodak camera. Because it freaked people out that suddenly your picture could be taken. Chuck Nice: Because you're stealing my soul. Jeff Jarvis: Right? And it could appear in the penny press and this is awful. What did we do? We figured it out. We got our norms straight now so we all take selfies, now we all like our photos taken. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: We grew up in an era where there were spies, there were secrets. And so you didn't want anybody to know anything about you. Now we have a next generation of people... anyone twenty and unger... under... where everybody knows everything about them. Chuck Nice: That's true. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: They've got pictures at parties, you know, flashing each other, doing sh*ts. And these are pictures that are now permanently available on the Internet. Jeff Jarvis: What's wrong about that Neil? At some point... Dr. deGrasse Tyson: I was just observing. Jeff Jarvis: Did you ever do anything embarrassing as a child? Dr. deGrasse Tyson: No. (Laughing) Jeff Jarvis: I know you did. Chuck Nice: Yes, but I had the good sense to make sure that no cameras were there. (Laughter) Jeff Jarvis: We all did embarrassing things when we were younger. What's wrong with this picture of taking it out on you when you're older? It means you're intolerant. I think at some point we become a more tolerant society. We recognize that everybody has their foibles, and we'll learn from that. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: But you know what happens, because we create our own online presence, it's not created by someone else who took a picture of us, we can paint whatever image of ourselves we want, whether or not it's accurate. So I brought up that topic with Arianna Huffington. Let's check it out. Arianna Huffington: If you look at the way people use social media a lot of it is artificial. And someone said, there is no human being who is as happy as an Instagram, no human being who is as upset, outraged and miserable as on Twitter, and nobody who is as employable as on Linkedln. (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So everything is an exaggerated. Arianna Huffington: So there is a little bit of a manufactured identity. You know, it's always me and the sunset, me and this fabulous meal, me smiling. But nobody has a life that's entirely like that. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: It's true. If I see an awesome-looking platter of food, I'm taking a picture of that. Arianna Huffington: You know, but there are also times... Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Look what I'm about to eat. Arianna Huffington: There are times when you have a fabulous meal and there are times when you may be upset about something, you don't take a picture of you being upset. (Chuckles) Chuck Nice: Hmm. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Didn't she just wrap that up right there? Chuck Nice: Yeah, that's exactly what we were talking about. But that is human nature. We show our best selves no matter what. That's why... Dr. deGrasse Tyson: But will we mature out of this to come to a world where we are more honest with one another? Jeff Jarvis: There's no guarantees either way, but I hope so, I think it's possible. Because there's value in that. There's value when you find the person who has the problem you have, you can share that with, you can understand that. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Where's the value that someone thinking I'm less than what I want to make people think I am. Where's the value in that? Chuck Nice: Right. Jeff Jarvis: Because at some point, you're not your true self and you'll lose credibility. Chuck Nice: But that's the whole point of actually being online. I don't want to be my true self. That's why my online dating picture is not me sitting on the edu... edge of the bed clipping my toenails. Jeff Jarvis: Aren't you married? Chuck Nice: I am. For seventeen years. But you understand. Nobody does that. Nobody takes a picture of themselves clipping their toenails just like, call me. (Laughter) You know? Because... Jeff Jarvis: But at some point, we need credibility as human beings with each other. And I think that's what's gonna come out on the Internet. I think we're gonna be real with each other. Or else we're just all a whole bunch of comedians. Chuck Nice: Wow. (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Oh, ooh. Whoa. Oh. So there's another sort of emergent force out there. It's not just people who were creating a version of themselves that isn't real. A new species of life has arisen. The Internet troll. And I wondered, what would Arianna do, right? (Laughter) How does she handle trolls? I wondered that. Cause she's got a whole empire. Surely there are tolls moving in and out of her situation. So I asked her that, and we will get to that part of the interview when Star Talk continues. (Applause) (Applause) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: We're back. Chuck, Jeff, again thanks for being on the show. So we're featuring my interview with Arianna Huffington, in my office, which is great. It's just like, she and I just talking smack about journalism. (Laughs) And so what came up, which was unavoidable I think, you had to land there at some point if you're talking about the health of an industry, Internet journalism, in there, or Internet presence of anything... person, place, or thing... you part the curtains, there's a troll lurking. (Laughter) And... And they don't go away. I thought Arianna would have deep insight, perhaps, into this, because she has a media empire. There must be trolls moving in and out of what she does. I had to get her perspective on this. Check it out. Arianna Huffington: I am fully aware of the problems with the Internet, and that's why in fact finally, last year, The Huffington Post ended anonymity. We do not allow anonymous comments. You know, we had and still have the most advanced algorithmic technology to moderate comments. But the algorithm wasn't smart enough not to be outwitted by trolls. You know, trolls are incredibly ingenious, some of them. They want to basically have no other life except to circumvent this technology. So we actually... Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Like the original trolls that live under bridges, what else do they do? They just live under the bridge. They don't go shopping, they don't go to the amusement park. (Laughs) Arianna Huffington: They don't have a life. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So they're aptly named, yes, trolls. Arianna Huffington: So we also have thirty human moderators to supplement the algorithm. That didn't work. And then I thought one day, you know, is this really worth it? Why are we spending all of this money on basically dealing with a tiny infinitesimal percentage, like 00001 percent? And so we ended anonymity and can invest the resources of these 30 human moderators in more productive ways. There is something about anonymity that brings the worst out in people. And I don't believe that we have the responsibility to allow them unless they have a particular reason why they need to remain anonymous. We have made allowances for that like if you are a whistle blower then you can come backstage and tell an editor why you need to remain anonymous. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: But then you reveal yourself obviously to the editors. And of course there are famous experiments, psychology experiments on the conduct of people in the face of anonymity versus not. How do you administer punishment if the person you are punishing knows it's you versus you being behind a door. And we are mean people, a mean species. Arianna Huffington: We are both. That's what is fascinating about human nature, we are a mixture. Every one of us is a mixture. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Some differently mixed than others. Arianna Huffington: Some very differently mixed but there's nobody who is not mixed in some way right? Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Exactly. She's so hopeful there. Man. I'm ready to indict whole groups of people. She says, no everybody has a nice side. Chuck Nice: Yeah. She's wrong. (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So, who are trolls and why do they do this? Jeff Jarvis: Trolls are sad souls who want to get a rise out of people who sometimes need their meds, let's be honest. And I think that we have to deal with them in a lot of levels. One is that the rest of us, the un-trolls, the civilized beings on the Internet, too often encourage the trolls. You feed the trolls. You say, oh, look over there, there's a fight over there. All we're doing is giving them the nourishment they want. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Don't feed the trolls. Jeff Jarvis: Don't feed the trolls. Don't give them attention, don't reward them, don't laugh. 'Cause you're giving them what they want. And what it means is that the rest of us bear responsibility. If you end up pointing to a troll, then you are an accessory to the troll. You're part of the crime. This is the problem. We give attention to these moments of bad behavior. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: There's someone who's name I forgot, who hypothesized that every... every chat thread degrades to a point where somebody mentions h*tler or n*zi. Jeff Jarvis: Godwin's Law. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Godwin's Law. What is Godwin's Law? Jeff Jarvis: That given enough time, any chat thr*at will disintegrate into a mention of h*tler. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Any chat thread. Jeff Jarvis: Any chat thread. Chuck Nice: At some point. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: You can be talking about the Teletubbies. Jeff Jarvis: The longer it goes, the more likely it will end up in h*tler. Chuck Nice: Tinkie Winkie was really a brown shirt. (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So why? What is the attraction of h*tler and n*zi, to make its way into every blog? Jeff Jarvis: Because you run out of arguments. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: When I run out of arguments, the first thing in my thought is not h*tler. I'm just... Chuck Nice: Yeah. When I run out of arguments, I know I'm talking to my wife. (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So in my interview with Arianna, it became clear... She's a successful woman. And I like hearing wisdom from successful people. And she recently wrote a book, called Thrive, where she explores the challenges of being successful, but still..leading a life that is sane. Let's find out what she told me when Star Talk returns. (Applause) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Cool. We're back. Hall of the Universe. Chuck. Jeff. Good to have you. Both: Good to be here. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So where did we leave off? We got my interview with Arianna Huffington. And she actually published a book, called Thrive. She's a successful person. Everyone wants to know how do you do it. And you know, she had, I don't want to quite call it a secret, but she has a revelation. The revelation is, in our Western society, there are basically only two measures of success. One of them is wealth. Chuck Nice: Mhm. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: The other is power. In our society, if you have those two, you are considered successful... no matter what else might be true about you. And she's concerned that if that's the only measure and metric of your success, what about your mental health? Are you burnt out? Do you not have time to love, for family, to go to the beach? Where is the rest of the completion of your life? I asked her all those questions. Let's find out what she says. Arianna Huffington: All the signals we're getting are the lives of the rich and powerful and how do you climb the ladder? And so people as a result are living now under the collective delusion that burnout is the price that you have to pay for success. So that's really why I wanted to write the book and then I looked at the science and all of this ancient wisdom is validated by modern science now. The ancient wisdom about the importance of renewal and sleep and dreams and mediation or whatever you want to call it, prayer, you know, mindfulness. Whatever word you want to use, that time to be alone, to be silent, to be connected with ourselves. So now we've had an expl*si*n of science around these things. I mean, we've had Richard Davis at the University of Wisconsin using MRis on the brains of Buddhist monks to demonstrate the plasticity of the brain and the generation of gamma waves, and to show that giving is a shortcut to happiness. I mean that sounds like a cliché but now you have science proving it. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Yeah, so she's on a roll there. Right. She's ready to like re-define success. Do I get an agreement that we live in a world here in America today that if you said, last night I got only two hours of sleep, I was working all day, you say that's a hard working person, you'll go far, you'll climb the ladder, you'll succeed? This is how we treat it? Chuck Nice: You know and that's because people. they don't realize that that's not true. (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Okay. Chuck Nice: My father has passed away and he was a workaholic. And that is a real disease. Just like any other addiction. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Mhm. Chuck Nice: He was a man who felt like he had to be defined by what he did. And so he just worked. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Arianna had mentioned sort of Buddhists meditation as a thing you might fold into this. And I had to take her to task on that but, I think she had a good answer. Let's see how that unshake... shakes out. Chuck Nice: I can't wait. (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: The Buddhist monks are not inventing airplanes, they are not inventing computers, they didn't invent much that I know of, of anything of what we call modern society. They are not the ones who invented the Internet. It's a bunch of restless people who were not getting much sleep and who are not meditating perhaps. Arianna Huffington: But here's the thing. In the book, I quote a lot of the people who created the modern age, like Steve Jobs, who said that his best ideas that led to the iconic Apple products came after Zen meditation because and, I'm quoting him, he said that's when I could hear subtler things. It's not going to be while you are processing your email or while you are dealing with all the distractions of modern life. It is inevitably going to be in a moment of quiet. If you look through science, you know, Newton came up with the theory of gravity while in a contemplative mood, having tea in his garden. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: He wasn't partying, he wasn't doing email. Arianna Huffington: Right, and we have so many examples like that. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So it's not that we should all just meditate, it's that this aspect of introspection should be a component. Arianna Huffington: Part of our lives. Absolutely. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: And that way we can still invent the Internet in a moment of meditation. Of course, if all we did was meditate, nothing gets invented. Arianna Huffington: Of course not. Chuck Nice: That was awesome. Jeff Jarvis: I think where I absolutely agree with her is that we have an epidemic of anxiety in society. We have a huge problem among our youth, among ourselves, in how we treat ourselves and what we expect of ourselves. And I don't think that's about just simply getting more sleep, or working less. I think what we expect of ourselves. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: But is there also an information overload, where we think we have to process it? Jeff Jarvis: No. No. Ever since the library in Alexandria, there's been too much information for anybody to take in. That's... Dr. deGrasse Tyson: This guy goes way back. Chuck Nice: I mean, he went Alexandria on your ass. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: He went Alexandria on our ass. Chuck Nice: On us. Okay? Alright? He wasn't talking like Sixth Avenue Public Library. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: He's talking about scrolls and stuff. Right. So... so... Jeff Jarvis: No, we've always had too much information for any one person just to take in. That's a source of stress. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: But what do you think of information being like we overeat food, and we get fat. We have access to too much information, and we need to go on an information diet. Jeff Jarvis: No, let me ask you this way. Would you agree that we have too much stress and anxiety in society? Chuck Nice: Absolutely. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Me and the universe are pretty tight. And I'm really relaxed. Jeff Jarvis: You're good. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: In the presence of the cosmos. Jeff Jarvis: But you work harder than anybody on earth. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: I do. But does anyone think that I'm uptight? Jeff Jarvis: You're in your fortieth hour today alone. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Do I come across as an uptight person? Jeff Jarvis: No you don't. Chuck Nice: No. Chuck Nice: This is the way I feel. It really is about what works for you. Jeff Jarvis: Yes. Chuck Nice: And so I do agree with the stress and anxiety that that puts you in a position where other things will not work. Sleep doesn't work. Relationships don't work. And it really is due to stress and anxiety. Jeff Jarvis: It's also about doing something that makes you happy. Chuck Nice: True. Jeff Jarvis: Now tell me this. Comedians have a reputation for being internally sad people. (Laughing wildly) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Sorry. (Laughing wildly) He's staring at you flat-footed. Chuck Nice: Yup. (Laughing wildly) And he was just like, hey man, I know you are hurting inside. (Laughter) So what we do is we spend a lot of time sitting around, thinking about stuff that nobody else does. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: That's right for sure. Chuck Nice: And that of makes you a little nuts. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: And out of that comes humor, but we never realize that. Jeff Jarvis: You give people the relief from their stress. Chuck Nice: Uh, yes. Jeff Jarvis: Yeah, you do. Chuck Nice: Yeah, I do. Yeah. I'll give you that. Jeff Jarvis: And we made him happy while we were at it. Chuck Nice: Oh no, you made him happy. (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: In situations like this, I always turn to my good friend Bill Nye. Chuck Nice: Ahh. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: To see if he's got some take on life in the Information Age. So we're gonna check in on him when we come back to Star Talk. (Applause) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Welcome back to Star Talk. From Manhattan, New York City. North America. (Laughter) Western hemisphere. Earth. Solar system. Sagittarius arm. Chuck Nice: Oooh. Wow. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Milky Way Galaxy. Chuck Nice: Uh huh. Jeff Jarvis: Next. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Local group. Virgo super cluster. (Laughter) Jeff Jarvis: Ooh! That was nice. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: The universe. And we don't yet have a coordinate within the multiverse. We're working on that. So my friend Bill Nye, he moved to town. He started in Seattle, went to LA, but he's a New Yorker now and he's loving it. And he sends in these dispatches from around town. He has some thoughts about sharing in the Information Age, as we knew he would. Check it out. Bill: When it comes to sharing information, humans are in a class by themselves. I mean, sure, a dog may walk up to a tree and take a pee to let other dogs know that it's his territory. Coyotes may howl to communicate. Monkeys may screech to let other monkeys in the barrel know that there's a predator nearby. Or, a whale can swim real fast and breach up out of the sea, and flop back down with a great big splash and a great big sound. But humans... Humans, we share all kinds of information with everybody all the time. We use these big, wide, thin sheets. But the best you can do with a piece of paper is sort of uh, last night's news. Now we get news 24/7, every day. We can share information in a flash, at the speed of light, all over the world. That is, as long as you got one of these... and you're connected. Is there Wi-Fi here? There's no Wi-Fi. (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: My man Bill. So, Jeff, you wrote a book. Jeff Jarvis: geeks bearing gifts: Imagining New Futures for News. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So what... In that, what have you imagined? Jeff Jarvis: I imagined that we moved past the idea of mass media. We get treated again as individuals and communities with respect. We find a relevance... Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Are you just making this up? Or are you actually looking at trend lines and extrapolating. Jeff Jarvis: No. I'm saying what I think news needs to do to survive. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Oh. That's a stronger point. Jeff Jarvis: I think as long as we continue to try to replicate our old mass media models in this new thing we call the Internet... Look at it this way. I have my dear phone. Right? And when I go home tonight, I'll put in Waze. And it will say. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Waze. W-A-Z-E. Chuck Nice: Ooh, you had a new phone. (Laughter) Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Your phone is now busted on the floor of the Hall of the Universe. Jeff Jarvis: I'm in a lot of anxiety right now. (Laughter) Jeff Jarvis: So, Waze. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Ok we get it. You have a cell phone. Jeff Jarvis: Waze will say, are you going home? Google through Waze... it's a traffic app... knows where I live and where I work. My local newspaper doesn't know that. That's ridiculous. My local newspaper treats me the same as millions of other people. Where as big, huge Google sees me as an individual. I think media has to shift to seeing people as individuals and communities and giving us greater relevance and greater value. And I think that in there is a new business model that's gonna support journalism and create more value. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Is this the next media billionaire? Jeff Jarvis: I hope so. In the meantime, what do we have? We just have a lot of cats online. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Yeah. Chuck Nice: Eh. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: I've joked that if aliens came to visit Earth, and observed all that goes on, they would conclude that the Internet is powered by kittens. (Laughter) There would be no other conclusion they could draw. So this is the continued evolution of something in its infancy. Jeff Jarvis: Yes. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Now let's find out what Arianna Huffington had to say about the future of journalism. Check it out. Arianna Huffington: You know the New York Times famously says, "all the news that's fit to print." And my concern is that all of us in the media are not really giving our readers or viewers all the news. We're giving them all of the bad news. There is a bias towards crisis, uh, beheadings, rapes, mayhem. Obviously we have to cover all of that, obviously we have to uncover corruption and dysfunction. But we also feel it's about time that we do a better job bringing to our readers, solutions journalism. You know, the things that our... Dr. deGrasse Tyson: Solutions journalism. Arianna Huffington: Yes. We want to focus on what is working, because you know a lot of things are working but you wouldn't know that. So that's kind of my new priority for The Huffington Post. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: So she's thinking that through. What do you think of this? Changing what you report so that the good things show up as much as the bad things. Can you catch people's attention with good news? Jeff Jarvis: Yeah, I think you can. No you can, you know what? You can capture their attention with useful news. Chuck Nice: There you go. Jeff Jarvis: It is our job to call on the powerful and the pompous, and tell them when they're full of it. But we don't do that enough in journalism. Dr. deGrasse Tyson: No, in fact. I'd like to take that one step further. That as an educator and as a scientist, one of the great powers of the mind is a level of... is achieving a level of science literacy that can enable you, no, empower you, to know when someone else is full of (bleep) Mmmm... (Laughter) Guys, thanks for being on Star Talk. This has been great. I learned a lot, I laughed a lot. And I didn't know that Chuck was depressed. Alright? Okay. (Laughter) I'm your host, Neil deGrasse Tyson. And as always, I bid you to keep looking up. (Applause)

{"type": "series", "show": "StarTalk", "episode": "01x04 - Arianna Huffington"}

foreverdreaming

Neil deGrasse Tyson: From the American Museum of Natural History in New York City and beaming out across all of space and time, this is StarTalk, where science and pop culture collide. [applause] I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson. I'm the Frederick P. Rose Director of the Hayden Planetarium, right here in New York City. And tonight's topic? Science and religion. Oooh. I've got with me my intrepid co-host, Eugene Mirman. Eugene! My comedic co-host. Yeah. Excellent. And we're featuring today my interview with the renowned evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins. He's like primary atheist of the world. And so if you're gonna talk about science and religion, you need people like that to find out where are they thinking, where are they taking us, what's it all about. But we couldn't just feature Richard Dawkins. We need some other views here. And so we combed the landscape. And we found a Jesuit priest. This is the academic order of the Catholic Church. And we have with us Father Martin. Welcome to StarTalk. Father Martin: Thank you very much. Tyson: Alright. [applause and cheering] You have a business degree, apparently. Martin: I do. I went to the Wharton School of Business before I entered the Jesuits, so... Tyson: When we see priests, we just don't think of priests as doing all this other stuff. But you did. Martin: I did. And most of us do. Most of us enter the priesthood with a little life experience, thank God. Tyson: OK. Thank God. He can say 'thank God.' That's cool. Any the rest of us say, should we really do that? But you have the authority to do so. Martin: Feel free to say 'thank God' as much as you want. Tyson: There'll be more of that coming for sure. I just wanted to give a shout-out to the Jesuits. They're often portrayed as those who prosecuted Galileo, attacking his observations of the known universe that came to Galileo through his observations of the telescope. But I also know the Jesuits as an important scientific arm of the Catholic Church, and in fact, there were tremendous advances that the Jesuits contributed to the measurement of the universe, leading up to the Gregorian calendar, which was an improvement over the Julian calendar at the time. And it's the one we use today. So, congratulations to your ancestral brethren on that. Martin: I... I take that credit and thank you for it. Eugene Mirman: I hate the Julian calendar, so thank you very much. [laughter] Tyson: So, just in case people didn't know, up until 1582, the Julian calendar was used worldwide... well, in the West it was used. And the Julian calendar, advanced by Julius Caesar, was... it was a really good calendar, but it didn't quite get it right. Mirman: No Wednesdays? Tyson: So, what happens is, I don't know if you knew, but the total number of days does not go evenly into the duration of an Earth year. In fact if you clocked it, you get an extra quarter of a day. Now, how do you make a calendar out of that? You can't have a quarter of a day in the calendar. So what people did was ignore that quarter of a day for four years. And in the fourth year, you have four quarters you add, throw in a day. The leap day was born in the Julian calendar. February 29th. And so, that's cool. And that kept things matched up for a long while, but it turned out, the leap day over-corrected by a little bit. But the Romans didn't know this. And that over-correction started accumulating days in the calendar. And what they noticed in the Catholic Church was that the first day of spring, which was previously March 21st, was drifting in the calendar, and it was becoming later and later. And so... what do you do about this? Mirman: You k*ll Julius Caesar. [laughter] Martin: That's right. Mirman: Problem solved! Tyson: So the calendar was accumulating days that didn't belong there. And Pope Gregory says, 'I have to solve this problem, ' brings in Jesuit priests. Correct me if I get any of this wrong. I think I'm on this. Martin: You know much more about this than I do. Tyson: I think I got this one. So, founds the Vatican Observatory. In so doing, the Jesuits figure out there are ten too many days in the calendar. That's how many days had accumulated. So in 1582, the Pope said, 'Let's take ten days out of the calendar.' February 15th followed February 4th in 1582, which makes it complicated when you're paying rent. So now, now that you've jump-started it, you want to make sure that error doesn't happen again. What it means is, a leap day every four years over-corrects the problem. So every now and then, you gotta take out a leap day. When do you do that? It turns out every century, is the time you take away a leap day that might have otherwise been there. Every century would normally be a leap year 'cause it's divisible by four... a century year. You take it out. The year 1900 was not a leap year. The year 1800 was not a leap year. The year 1700 was not a leap year. However, by doing that, you have now under-corrected it by a little bit. Now you're missing a day over an interval of time. You gotta put something back in. So every 400 years, you put the leap day back in. So, so... the year 2000 was one of those 400-year cycles. And most people, February 29, 2000, said, 'It's just an ordinary leap day,' but it was so not. Right? In fact, the last time a century year had a leap day was the year 1600, just a few years after the Gregorian calendar was put into place. So this over-correct, under-correct, over-correct, under-correct, will now keep the calendar in top, tip-top shape for millennia to come. And this is one of the many reasons why this calendar is used worldwide, is one of the most accurate calendars ever devised. Congratulations to your peeps. Martin: Well... [applause] On... on behalf... on behalf of the Jesuit order, you're welcome. Tyson: So, as we know, Richard Dawkins is very outspoken about sort of religiosity in the world and atheism. And he wants to convince people to think logically, perhaps on the assumption that if you do, then you won't think religiously. Perhaps. I don't know if it's that easy. And, uh, when he dropped by my office, I snared an interview with him for StarTalk, the first thing we discussed was the capacity of the human mind to think logically. Let's check it out. If there's any one subject that the most number of people say I was never good at... insert a topic... it's gonna be math. And so I say to myself, if our brain were wired for logical thinking, then math would be everyone's easiest subject and everything else would be harder. So I'm kind of forced to conclude that our brain is not wired for logic. Richard Dawkins: Many people are extremely illogical, but... Tyson: And, by the way, they get along just fine in life. Dawkins: But I think it's an interesting point that our wild ancestors, needing to survive in the presence of lions and drought and famine and things... you'd think logic would be pretty important for survival, wouldn't you? [laughter] Tyson: So... Dawkins: If not mathematics, at least. Tyson: Well, it could be, maybe early people who said, 'Oh, there's a creature there with big teeth. Let me investigate it further.' Dawkins: Yes. I mean, in a way, that's right. Being too scientific is a bad thing. Tyson: Curiosity doesn't always work. Dawkins: My, uh, I had a cousin who, as a little boy, put his finger in the mains and got a shock. So he did it again just to make sure. He is a real scientist. But not very good for survival. Tyson: Yeah, so we wonder, is logic good for our survival or not? Is there any occasion where thinking illogically, illogically, is ever a good thing? So, let me ask you... the Pope. He's a Jesuit. Martin: He is. Tyson: Is he the first Jesuit Pope? Martin: He is. Tyson: Well, congratulations. OK? And... [applause] I was reading this... He has a degree in chemistry? Martin: He does. He has a degree in chemistry and taught chemistry, I think, for several years. Tyson: And taught chemistry, and then... this can't be right. He worked as a night club bouncer? Martin: At a tango bar. Tyson: At a tango bar? Before becoming Pope. Martin: Yes, we would hope so. Mirman: He is no longer currently a bouncer at a tango bar. Martin: He needs a little pin money from time to time. Tyson: Right, right. So, presumably, he would be counted among the ranks of people who can think logically, because so many people think illogically all the time, and as I hinted there, they get along just fine in life, it seems. So, I wanted to bring that up with Richard Dawkins as well. And I did. Let's see where he takes it. I detach myself more from that battle than you do. You are on the front lines. And I'm way in the back line watching you do this. And I'm saying, sometimes people just want to feel, rather than think. Dawkins: Yes. I keep pushing back to the evolutionary origins of this, and when you have to survive in a hostile environment, it may be that you do need a certain amount of illogical, uh... Tyson: Gut. Dawkins: Yes. It may be that you need to fear things which logic tells you... Well, maybe it's a matter of the odds that something is actually dangerous. Um... Tyson: Or the cost to you if it is. Dawkins: The cost to you. If you see, if you see a sort of rustling in the trees, um, it could be a leopard about to jump on you. But it's much more likely to be the wind. And the logical, rational explanation is probably it's the wind. But when your survival depends upon the remote possibility... well, perhaps not remote... the rather lower probability that it might be a leopard, the prudent thing is to be, uh, more risk averse... Tyson: Than the statistics justify. Dawkins: Yes. Exactly. Yes. Tyson: And so, do you think religion in general is something that emerges from rational thought or from, from non-rational thought? Martin: I think both. I think religion is based on people's experience of God. Um, and religion is a way of relating to God and relating to one another, and, through that, to God. But, you know, reason and faith are not inconsistent. Logic and faith are not inconsistent. But there are some times that you think illogically. When Professor Dawkins was talking, I was thinking about like falling in love. You might say, 'I've fallen in love with this person, I want to marry this person.' And you say, well, you know, logically that doesn't stack up. Well, you know, in a sense, it's the heart that takes over in some cases. Tyson: OK, so, but what you're saying then is, when it's not logic, it's heart or it's spirituality. And so, in that case, you're gonna say they're compatible, or are they two completely different things, the way Stephen Jay Gould did? Non-overlapping magisteria? Martin: I would say that they could combine. So there could be some logical reasons why you would want to get married to somebody, and there could be some illogical heart reasons. So, I don't see them as inconsistent at all. Tyson: OK, so, how does one then bec... get degrees in science and then become religious? Or is always religious? What is going on in their head? Do they have special connect... special experiences with God that Richard Dawkins hasn't had? And all he needs is a couple of those experiences and he'd convert like this? Martin: I don't know. It depends on him. I think a lot of times experiences of God are the foundational ways that people have to start believing. But, you know, for example, for a Jesuit, like Pope Francis, who starts with faith, he's naturally interested in the natural world, he wants to learn more about God's creation, and so why not study chemistry? So, once again, not inconsistent as far as I see it. Tyson: Can we think of this as a transformative time for the Catholic Church? Martin: I think so, but I think, in terms of science, I think we need to see it as kind of a progression. I mean, we've been kind of building on these things. And once again, I think one of the reasons that people are listening to Pope Francis is because, in a sense, they like him more, and they're more open. Mirman: He's the first fun Pope. He's into the Rolling Stones. He gets it. Tyson: Uh, so, Richard Dawkins feels that religion maybe should have a lesser place in our international politics and culture. More on that when we come back to StarTalk. [applause and cheering] Tyson: StarTalk at the Rose Center for Earth and Space, the Hall of the Universe. Eugene Mirman, my comedic co-host. Father Martin, thanks for being here. Mirman: Please call him Jim. Martin: Thank you, Father. Tyson: Ha ha! We're featuring my interview with Richard Dawkins, who's sort of a patron saint of atheists, if I... Can I say that? Mirman: To us you can. Tyson: And... So, he's... we're talking about big stuff. We're talking about science, we're talking about religion, how they've intersected or how they don't. As a Jesuit priest, you represent one of the academic orders of the Catholic Church, so of course you are going to say that there's no conflict between science and... I say 'of course' only because you have to live that intersection. So do you think others who don't think and feel this, we're just missing something here? Do we have to have some religious experience in order to think the same way as you do? Martin: That's a good question. I think religious experiences... Tyson: I don't even know what that is, actually. I mean, I'm saying it 'cause other people have said it, but... I've had deeply, what I felt were deeply spiritual experiences, but I was not invoking deity to account for them. I'd be on a mountaintop, there'd be starlight, I'm alone, there's clouds below me, enshrouding cities. Mirman: You're describing Zeus' experience. [laughter] And then I remember throwing lightning at a kid. Martin: But then what happened? What did you feel? Tyson: No, I felt connected to the cosmos. But I didn't, at the time, invoke deity. It was a very private, personal moment, and nothing supernatural happened, but I felt very deeply, and I would call that a spiritual experience. Martin: I would, too. And if you came to me for spiritual direction, probably one of the things I would say would be to invite you to consider if that's one way that God has of reaching out to you and speaking to you and touching you. Tyson: OK, but there are plenty of people who say God is speaking to them, and they go out and k*ll people. Martin: Right. But most people do not. Tyson: It's a good thing that most do not. But most don't have to do not if only some do. Martin: But the question is if you're, if you're... Mirman: Are you the Riddler? Tyson: I don't even know if that was a sentence, but its meaning was completely clear. Martin: Can you at least consider the possibility that this is one way for you, a scientist, you know, to have this experience, that God is kind of meeting you where you are, and trying to invite you into a relationship with God? Tyson: Yeah. So, I don't... I'm open to anything, but when you start saying here's the rest of the package, a belief system that needs to go with it, otherwise you're not a devout Catholic or a devout Protestant or a devout... then that complicates it. Martin: It sure does, but you don't take a person there. It's like starting to teach someone, you know, science. You don't start with, you know, the Higgs boson particle. You know, you start with sort of basic elements, and you take them there when you're ready. And also, God is beginning this conversation, so you respect that. You don't take them to where they're not ready to go or where they're not called to go right now. Tyson: So the people who are... Mirman: You don't need all the rules, like all the stuff... Martin: Well, the rules are important... Tyson: Don't tell me you don't have rules. You've got rules. Martin: And so does the scientific community. Mirman: Yeah, but that's... sorry. Tyson: Well, no, but my rules... I can break my rules if the act of breaking the rules brings me closer to the operations of nature. Can you break your rules? Martin: Absolutely. Tyson: You can? What's the last rule you broke? Martin: Hmm. Is this confession? [laughter and applause] Mirman: Wait. So, you<i> can</i> covet a neighbor's wife? Tyson: Wait. So, if the people who have private beliefs but then they become a professional scientist... at some point, there's a line in the sand there. Martin: Well, there may be, but I know so many Catholic scientists that are happy as Catholic scientists, or Christian scientists, more broadly. And they find it a way of trying to understand the universe and a way of trying to understand God's creation. And, once again, I don't see it as inconsistent. Tyson: So, uh... Richard Dawkins has thought about this. Can they merge? Should they merge. Is it impossible? I've thought a lot about it as well. Some of this is being devil's advocate. Can I say that? Devil's advocate? Martin: Feel free. Tyson: Does that make me the devil? Martin: Not at all. Tyson: OK, let's go to my next clip with Richard Dawkins in my office of the Hayden Planetarium. Dawkins: Imagine that you were going to consult a doctor. Uh, and I, I, I make him an eye doctor. You happen to know that he privately doesn't believe in the sex theory of reproduction. He believes that babies come from storks. Tyson: OK. I wouldn't go to that doctor. Dawkins: I'm guessing you would not go to that doctor, but I've met plenty of people, especially in America, who say it's none of your business what he believes below the waist. Um, uh, he's an eye doctor. Is he a competent? Can he repair your cataracts? And, and, I, I don't think he should be employed in a hospital, because, because what you're saying about that man is that he, he's got the kind of mind which is so adrift from reality that even if he's a competent eye surgeon, um, I don't think he could be trusted. Tyson: And that's a fear fact... that creates a fear factor that overrides everything else. He's a good eye surgeon. He or she is a good eye surgeon. Dawkins: Right. Tyson: But there's that lingering risk, that the stork theory of reproduction might somehow affect the scalpel. Dawkins: I'm not sure it needs to affect the scalpel. I think it's something to do with... Tyson: Then you object on principle. Dawkins: I think so, yeah. Tyson: Yeah, not on practice. It's a principle thing. Dawkins: Well, the professor of geography who believes in the flat earth, but, but, but... Tyson: But otherwise makes perfect globes. Dawkins: Yes, yes. Quite. Yes. Exactly. Tyson: Where do you take that? Martin: Well, I would say it's a kind of strange presupposition to say that there would be an eye doctor who believes in the stork, because basically, there aren't eye doctors who believe in the stork. Tyson: No, no. But he made it a very blunt example, but he's talking about people who might be evolutionary biologists by day, but are certain that the whole earth got here 6,000 years ago by night. Martin: But then how could they be evolutionary biologists? Tyson: Well, this is the whole point he's making. Martin: But that's why I think it's kind of a false presupposition. I mean, because you can't be one and the other. Tyson: But there are such people. I have met them, and they are. So they've drawn a line. You don't think such a line can or should exist then? Martin: No, I don't think you need to draw a line like that. I mean, you know, there's a great definition of theology which is faith seeking understanding. And so the person starts with faith and says there are certain things that I can't understand and that science can help us understand that. There's two different ways of understanding things: through scientific reason and through revelation... you know, what religion teaches us. I think they're basically coming together, you know? And the more we learn about the world, I think the more mysterious it becomes, in a sense. Tyson: Is there some example you can give where they're merging? Martin: Aren't there... and you would know better than I do... Aren't there examples in physics where they say, well, actually, this particle is at one place and another place at the same time? Which you kind of take on faith, right? Tyson: No, we measure that! We measure. We don't need... Mirman: With a space ruler... sir. Martin: But does that not seem, does that not seem to the human brain that one would be in one place at one place and... Tyson: It's completely... It, it, it boggles the mind. It is mysterious. Martin: Well, there you go. Tyson: It's a quantum mystery. Martin: Exactly. Tyson: That doesn't mean it's divine. Martin: But it is a mystery that you believe in, and so that in a sense is what religion is, right? Mirman: Ooh! I like that... a mystery you believe in. Tyson: When we come back, let's find out if illogical thinking should be a natural part of our society, or maybe we should do something about it, when StarTalk returns. [applause and cheering] Tyson: We're back on StarTalk. And I'm with my co-host Eugene Mirman, Eugene tweeting @EugeneMirman. And I have a living, breathing Jesuit priest in our midst here. Father James Martin. And you also tweet. Martin: I do. Tyson: @JamesMartinSJ. Martin: Exactly. Tyson: Society of Jesuits. Awesome. The tweeting priest. I'm gonna follow you. I'm gonna see what you've been about. Mirman: It's a great musical. Tyson: The tweeting priest! Ha ha ha! Mirman: It's pretty good. Tyson: We've been featuring my interview with Richard Dawkins. I think of him as the patron saint of atheists. And, uh, he's just fun to listen to. And he's, he's, he's... But we've got some other views here, and I just wanted to sort of tease that out. The Jesuits are the academic order of the Catholic Church. So, getting back to this point where there are scientific frontiers that are mysterious... There are even science that's not a frontier that's mysterious, like some of the phenomenon of quantum physics. But why must the mysterious require that there is a deity who's overseeing it? Martin: Well, I... Tyson: In your mind, it sounds like they must go together. Martin: Well, I think it's not that they must go together, but they do go together. When I look at the universe, and I think of particularly something like the Big Bang, the great question I always ask... Tyson: The TV show? He's clearly talking about the TV show. Mirman: How did something like that come to be? What could have created that show? [laughter] Martin: I always ask questions, which I think is a good question to ask atheists. Um, why is there something rather than nothing at all? Tyson: I would say I have no idea, and I'm perfectly content in that ignorance. I'm not having to find an answer. Martin: But that's a great example. There are religious people who can be content not understanding God completely and not understanding the universe completely. And so, you know, if you can be content... Mirman: We'll call them creationists. Martin: No, no. If you can be content, seriously, in not having to understand that, I can be content in not having to understand God. I can believe in God... Tyson: No, no, no. OK... Martin: Let me just finish. No, no I know, I know, but I'll just say this. I can believe in a God who I don't fully understand. Tyson: And I'm saying it's not that I'm happy not knowing. It's that not knowing does not force me to then come up with an explanation I can't justify yet. And I'm gonna keep searching. And for me, that is a sense of wonder that excites me and draws me to the frontier. Martin: Well, and me, too, and it draws me, too, in trying to understand God better. So that's why I think that the two disciplines are actually closer than one would think. Tyson: So, Richard Dawkins, one of his books, his many books, highly readable and lucid books, 'Unweaving the Rainbow: Science, Delusion, and the Appetite for Wonder.' I had him just reflect on wonder. Let's find out. Dawkins: Keats thought that Newton was destroying the poetry of the rainbow by explaining the spectrum. Tyson: Or completely destroying the mystery of it. Dawkins: Destroying the mystery of it. And the message of my book is that you don't, uh, by destroying the mystery, you increase the poetry. You don't, you don't decrease it. Tyson: And I try to go there in all of my work, whether or not I succeed, that's my intent. I think there's no more reproduced image when people want you to think of God than a sunset with beams of light coming out, but I also know that the surface of the sun is 6,000 degrees, and there's Rayleigh scattering in the atmosphere. You have water droplets condensing to make clouds... So, where do you differ from this? Dawkins: Maybe I go a little bit further in the direction of good-natured ridicule of absurd ideas like astrology. Tyson: You're saying it's good-natured, but clearly the people who are the... on the other side of your wit and intelligence, are they saying you're being good-natured? Dawkins: Possibly not. I don't really care about that. Um... Tyson: Possibly not! I feel stupid next to you, and I know all this stuff, alright? So... Dawkins: Oh, come on. [laughter] Um, I, I, I have an eye to not just the astrologer that I'm talking to, but the... for example, the radio audience or whatever it is that are listening in. If you call somebody an idiot, you're not going to change his mind, but you may change the minds of a thousand people listening in. Tyson: Yeah. So, let me ask you something, just flat out, flat out. I don't have a problem if people feel spiritually when they contemplate the cosmos. And I may even feel some of that as well. I'm really talking about, as religion manifests in the world, the whole other portfolio of things you're supposed to do, the rituals that derive from it, the rules that come down from revealed text. That's a whole other conversation than telling me that I'm experiencing an open door to God when I'm on a mountaintop. Martin: I think those are two different things. I think God and religion... Tyson: I believe you, that you see those as two different things. But most people who are vocal and active and politically motivated do not. Martin: But why should that keep you from God? I mean, if you have an experience of God, why should all the other stuff that distracts you keep you from that? It would be like saying, you know, I ran into a... I took a terrible course in science once, and all the teachers were terrible. Well, does that mean you don't believe in science anymore? No. It means you don't believe or you haven't had a good experience of the other things, of the human element of it. Tyson: What I might ask is, which god are you... Is it Zeus that I'm coming closer to? 'Cause I am on the mountaintop where Zeus lived. Mirman: Athena did come out of his head. Tyson: Right. So... so... So, maybe there's a particular god that you would rather it be than other gods that have come before people of the past. But I also know that throughout most of the history of science, some of the greatest scientists that have ever lived have been deeply religious themselves. More on that when we return for StarTalk. [applause and cheering] Tyson: We're back here on StarTalk, the Hall of the Universe, American Museum of Natural History. Father James Martin, Jesuit priest. We're talking about the relationship between science and religion. And... you, as a modern Catholic, have no problem with evolution. Martin: Correct. Tyson: Correct. I can't say the same about other theologians who walk this earth. So, what does that mean? Martin: It means that... Tyson: In the world, in politics, in all of this? Martin: Sure. Well, it means that different Christians have different viewpoints on that. I'm a firm believer in evolution. Uh, there are some people who don't believe, but I'm not sure how you can't be convinced if you see the kind of archaeology and the sort of, the kind of history of the world. But there they are. So I can't account for ignorance. Tyson: So, Isaac Newton was... being a Brit, he was an Anglican Christian of course. And some have argued that the problem is not being religious, but what people do with religion in society. Would you agree with that? Martin: Of course. Well, of course. You see it, for example... Tyson: I'm trying to have an argument with you! Why are you not letting this happen? Mirman: Who would argue that religion is never bad? Martin: That's self-evident because you see all sorts of religious fanaticism and things like that, and fundamentalism, and people who are kind of, you know, set in their ways. But, you know, all these scientists that you described are people who saw God's creation and wanted to explore it and understand it, which is a good impulse. So none of this, I think, let's say, should be seen as in conflict. Tyson: Let's see what Richard Dawkins has to say about past scientists and their religiosity. Mirman: I don't think he's gonna like it. Dawkins: Newton, Galileo, pre-Darwin... You couldn't not be religious pre... You could, but you would have to be very, very... um, stalwart in your skepticism, because, uh, it's some... I look around the world, it kind of looks almost obvious. This is gonna get misquoted. It looks almost obvious that there had to be a designer, and until Darwin came along, who can blame Newton and Galileo? So I'm deeply unimpressed... Tyson: By that argument. Dawkins: By that argument. Tyson: OK. So he's not impressed with religious scientists of the past. Martin: Well, I just wonder if he's impressed with religious scientists of current day. Tyson: Oh, OK. Well, I happen to have that clip. [laughter] Let's hear what he says about contemporary religious scientists. Dawkins: If you actually ask what they believe, they will talk about mystery of the universe, and they have a sort of reverent attitude, which I have as well, and I think you have. But then if you say do you actually believe in anything supernatural, and you call yourself Christian, but do you believe that Jesus was born of a virgin or rose from the d*ad? Of course they don't. And so, you've got to kind of subtract them off, I suspect. You subtract off the Einsteinian... Tyson: So, the Einsteinian is that... Spinoza's God. There's a god of the universe that is responsible for laws and things and responsible for the universe that science observes, which is kind of untestable at some level. Dawkins: I don't think would even be respons... I think it was just, God<i> is</i> the universe, which is a bit different from thinking that there's an intelligence that, um, that started it all. So, I think you want to subtract them off. Tyson: OK. Dawkins: Einstein unfortunately muddied the issue by using the word 'god' rather freely. Tyson: Everybody wants to claim him for their... Dawkins: And people therefore want to claim Einstein, rather like you're afraid of being claimed. Tyson: I just want to make my own arguments. I don't to use somebody else's arguments. Dawkins: Einstein used God as a metaphor, and he said things like, 'What I really want to know is did God have a choice in creating the universe?' He simply meant is there only one way for a universe to be? Tyson: Or the phrase, 'I want to know the mind of God.' Dawkins: Yes, that's right. Um, so subtract them off. And then you are left with a few who actually do believe in the virgin birth. And I don't know what to make of them. Tyson: OK, so he's got his sort of science, scientist arithmetic. So, that clip led in with a pre-established fact, that about a third of Western scientists or American scientists would claim themselves to be religious. These are active scientists who publish papers. And so he's challenging the point that they are as religious as the sort of right wing religious community might claim for them. Have you seen any of this in your travels? Martin: Not really. I'm not sure if that's anecdotal. I don't know where that... I mean, the one-third I understand. Tyson: The one-third, we measure that. That's real. Martin: But the idea that, well, they don't really believe all this stuff... I just want to say one thing. He did say basically that Einstein, when he used the word God, didn't know what he was talking about. So, it is a strange thing to say that Einstein, you know, was kind of deluded or didn't understand what God was. So, I think we need to... Tyson: But if you read all of Einstein's references to God, it's very clear that God was metaphor for the laws of the universe, not in the way anybody else who's religious is invoking God. Martin: Well, but I think that's assuming a lot. I mean, I think we can understand God in different ways. Tyson: OK, so not to put words in your mouth, but what you might be saying here in this conversation is that for religion to go forward and not be in conflict with science, it needs to embrace what science finds about the natural world and not jump in the face of the scientists and say, 'That conflicts with my interpretation of scripture, therefore you must be wrong.' Martin: I agree. And I think most religious scientists... I'm not a religious scientist... would say that and would say... Tyson: Yes, they would, by the way. Yes, yes. Martin: This is helping me... Tyson: The ones I know. Martin: Yeah, this is helping me understand God's beautiful world. And I think what happens sometimes is, you know, religion gets caricatured. So obviously if you're religious, you must not believe in evolution, which I think is false. Tyson: Well, it's certainly true for some. Martin: For some. I'd say for a few. Tyson: When we come back, we're gonna find out if you have to give up your religion to believe in evolution. Clearly, the good father here doesn't. But how about others? When StarTalk continues... [applause and cheering] [applause and cheering] Tyson: So, one of the great questions out there is how do we get more religions or more people who are religious on board with the moving frontier of science? Recognizing that you don't have to give up your religion, unless perhaps your religion requires that there was no evolution. If it requires it, maybe you gotta sorta lose it. Mirman: That's probably pretty few religions, right? Tyson: I would think so. Mirman: Yeah. Tyson: I'm thinking. Right? Martin: Well, I hope so. And I, frankly, I have a confession to make. Tyson: This is your second confession. I'm listening. Martin: I don't understand people who can't believe in evolution. I don't understand people who don't look at, you know, the sort of carbon dating and things like that in fossils. I can't understand it. And I have a hard time understanding why people cannot accept the fact that God can work through evolution, that it's just as much of a miracle of creation if it takes ten million years, or fifteen million years, as if it took seven days. So I don't understand that. Tyson: Alright. So how about this? As you may know, atheists as a community are ranked last in who anyone would elect to high office. Last. After, you know, serial K*llers or something. Mirman: Is it because they're preachy? [laughter] Tyson: And so there's, in some ways, a bias, a discriminatory force in society against atheists. Do, do, do you... have you thought of this? In fact, let me lead with a clip, and then we'll get your reaction to it. Richard Dawkins in my office. Dawkins: I think you're exaggerating the desire of the secular movement to convert everybody to our point of view. We're not like missionaries knocking on the door and sort of saying, 'Have you found Jesus?' and that sort of thing. Tyson: Or have you not found Jesus? Dawkins: Yes. Tyson: Have you lost Jesus yet? Dawkins: It, it, it isn't really like that. It's rather more, um, we want to convert you, not to atheism, but to the view that atheists should not be discriminated against, that there should not be a... Tyson: That's a purer message there. Dawkins: It's a purer message, and it's a very important one in the United States where atheists can't get elected to Congress. You don't have to say, yes, I'm converted, I'm now a born-again atheist, but you have to say, I... Tyson: Born-again atheist. [Giggling] Dawkins: I no longer will discriminate against somebody because of his lack of religion when I vote. I will look at the record and vote on other grounds. There are real problems with young people coming out, just like there was coming out as gay, um, with their parents. I mean, you get teenagers thrown out of the house because they've come out as an atheist. Martin: Well, I mean, I agree with him. Atheists should not be discriminated against. And I should say, you know, in the old saying, some of my best friends are atheists and agnostics. But I'd also say, you know, it's ironic. He said he's not a missionary, but he does have a mission. I mean, his mission, he's written all of these books, and his mission is to convince people of not only the validity of atheism, but that religious people are basically... Mirman: Maybe he was thinking door-to-door missionaries. Martin: But his mission, the thing that kind of compels him and sends him out, is to convince people that not only that atheism is correct, but also that religious people are basically idiots, you know. So, when we're talking about discrimination, we have to be careful. There are places where people who are religious, you know, are seen as basically insane or idiots. Tyson: Except you can't discriminate unless you have the power to do so. Martin: True. Tyson: This is a well-known fact. So, you can't say that atheists are discriminating against anybody when atheists are not in charge of anything. Mirman: They run some bars. Martin: I mean, I'm not gonna claim discrimination. But, you know, there have been places where I have been, in social situations and, you know, public events, where people assume, you know, that you're... that I am basically an idiot or I don't believe in evolution or I don't believe in science or I'm small-minded or I'm h*m* or I'm sexist or whatever because I wear a collar, or because I'm religious. So there is that kind of... Tyson: So he started the conversation with that bias against you. Martin: Yeah, and so I do experience that. Tyson: But then you enlighten them. By the way, that's why I don't associate with any label other than that as a scientist. I don't even go there. I say, you're gonna have to have the conversation with me and then formulate whatever the hell you want to call me after that. Sorry, I used 'whatever the hell.' Martin: I think that's why it's difficult to say... Tyson: Whatever the heaven you want to call me after that. Martin: I agree. And that's why I think it's difficult, or we shouldn't say 'religious people think this,' or 'religious people think that, ' because it is a label that is applied to people and often applied to make them seem uneducated, insane, or just idiots, as if you have to check your brain at the door. Tyson: So... you ever wonder whether there'd ever be a scientific test for God? We'll find out when StarTalk continues. [applause and cheering] Tyson: StarTalk. The Hall of the Universe of the Rose Center for Earth and Space. I don't mean to boast, but I'm like buds with Bill Nye the science guy. Just so you know. And he's taken on this topic in a big way, recently published a book on evolution, and he actually debated the director of a creationist museum where the entire premise is that there was no such thing as evolution. Let's check in on Bill Nye's weekly rant. Bill Nye: Can science and religion coexist? Well, sure. There are billions of deeply religious people all around the world who accept the laws of nature as we discovered through the process of science. Most of the astronomy that we started with was developed in the Islamic world about a millennium ago, and the calendar that everybody uses all over the world was developed by Jesuit priests. Heck, the Vatican has its own astronomer, for crying out loud. But from time to time, you'll meet people who insist that the earth is somehow six or ten thousand years old. Well, that's just not possible. When we look at rocks like this, we can find where radioactive elements have replaced non-radioactive elements that have the same chemistry, and we've determined that the earth is about 4.54 billion years old, not thousand years old. About half of what we learn we learn informally in places like this, in museums. So I encourage you all to come to a museum like this one and listen to the rocks. Voice: Hey Bill! Over here! [applause and cheering] Tyson: Bill Nye, as always, telling it like it is. So, here we go. We're featuring my interviews with Richard Dawkins, and we have to ask the question, if there is a designer, if there is a God, can you test for it? Because as a scientist, that's what we do. If you're going to make a claim, I want to test it. These are the methods and tools of our trade. And so, I brought up this issue with Richard Dawkins. Let's see where he goes with it. Dawkins: If there is a designer of the universe, that is a stupendous scientific fact. It's not something you can say, well, we only think about that on Sunday. It actually would affect your attitude to the expanding universe if you thought that there was an intelligence that set it all in motion. And we may differ a little bit about this because you've been quite eloquent about the need to, to separate all that and to just simply not ask the question, but just do your science well. But don't you agree that astronomy would look, cosmology would look very different if you thought that the whole thing, the laws of physics, had been planned in advance by an intelligence? Isn't that a gigantic scientific fact if it were true? Tyson: I would ask, if it were true, how would we test for that? Or if we supposed it was true, how might we test for it? Yeah, so, do you have any thoughts on that? Because it... Let me pose it a different way. If in fact the universe is the, the science fair project of a hyper-intelligent species... Mirman: That's pure energy. Tyson: Can we distinguish between that entity and what in your theology you would call God? Martin: I think the answer to that question is I don't know. But I often say this... With the greatest respect for Mr. Dawkins, Professor Dawkins, I really do hope that when he comes to the end of his life and he meets... and I believe this... and he meets God, I hope he will be pleasantly surprised. I really do. Tyson: He's been asked that question, and I can recite his answer, not verbatim, but in principle. You know what his answer it? He would ask God back, why did you create a world that was so convincing of your absence? Martin: Hmm. How about because I wanted a little faith? Mirman: Oooh. Tyson: Oooh. Oooh. Take him back in. Mirman: I hope Richard and God do this for years. Martin: Or how about this? How about this? How about this? Why did you insist on believing in something that you had to understand? Why could you not believe in something that was beyond you? Tyson: This would be like a tennis match up there. Martin: That's right. And you know what? I think God might win. [laughter] There has to be, in all of these examples, there has to be what's called, and I'm sure you know it, the first cause. I mean, it is illogical to think that these things suddenly started to happen. There has to be what Aristotle called the uncaused cause, you know? The thing that caused everything, and by that, we call God. Right? I mean that's the name that we give God. Tyson: Although you remove that requirement for God himself. Martin: God is the uncaused cause. Right? And so there has to be something that begins us. Tyson: By the way, I don't presume that everything has to have a cause. That's just how the world has manifested thus far... Martin: But isn't that a scientific sort of cause and effect? Isn't that one of the bases of science, cause and effect? Tyson: It's gotten us very far, but I don't... Martin: I mean, when you do an experiment, don't you look at cause and effect? Tyson: Yes. But what I'm saying is, I don't then say the whole universe has to follow this rule. I'm open enough to other possibilities that maybe the universe always was. Martin: But see, I, in that case am probably being more logical and scientific. I would say that the human mind, as we understand it, presumes causes and effects, and at some point you have to have this kind of uncaused cause because it doesn't make sense to have this infinite regress. And by that, I say that's God. Tyson: A quote that I utter that now I've seen on T-shirts, but I'm happy to repeat it here, is that the universe is under no obligation to make sense to us. Martin: Neither is God. Tyson: Whoa! I think we've got to wrap it up there. Father Martin, thank you for being on StarTalk. Martin: It's been my pleasure. Tyson: Excellent. Eugene, always great to have you as my co-host. You've been watching StarTalk here in the Hall of the Universe of the Rose Center for Earth and Space in New York City. I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson, your personal astrophysicist, and as always, I bid you to keep looking up. [cheering and applause]

{"type": "series", "show": "StarTalk", "episode": "01x05 - Richard Dawkins"}

foreverdreaming

Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson: From the American Museum of Natural History in New York City and beaming out across all of space and time. This is "StarTalk," where science and pop culture collide. [Audience applause] I'm your host, Neil deGrasse Tyson. I'm director of the Hayden Planetarium right here. And I got with me one of my favorite co-hosts Chuck Nice. Chuck, a comedian. Chuck Nice: How are you, man? Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson: Good, good. [Light applause] Chuck Nice: Look at that, almost a smattering of applause for me. Tyson: The sitting ovation, yes, Chuck. So guess who I got to interview for this episode? You know I don't want to boast or anything. Chuck Nice: You know I have to say that this is a boast worthy guy. Tyson: It is, it is. Chuck Nice: It is a boast worthy guy. Tyson: You know who I got. I got President Jimmy Carter. Chuck Nice: Fantastic, man. Tyson: JC himself. Chuck Nice: Well, not the JC. He's a JC. A lot of people right now are just like, what did he say? That would be a get, if I got. So he came through town because he's collaborating with us on an exhibit. Called "Countdown to Zero." He's trying to eradicate certain eradicable diseases. And I thought I can't take on that topic alone because I be an astrophysicist. Chuck Nice: Right. And you be a comedian. Right, so we had to bring in some top g*n from elsewhere in the institution, my friend and colleague Mark Siddall, Mark. Give it up for Mark Siddall. [Audience applause] You specialize in like, blood sucking parasitic leeches. You know I like to think that I, I... I care about the things that most people don't. Mark, when I was a kid, I looked up and I said, "I want to study the universe." Where did you look to decide that you want to study parasites? I'm just curious. What kind of childhood did you have? [Laughter] I looked in the ravine that was across the road from my house where we were collecting snakes and frogs. And I just got really enwrapped in local ecosystems. Tyson: At what age? Siddall: Oh, god, maybe five or six. Tyson: 5? Local ecosystems at age five. Okay, so you get a frog, you get a snake. You put them in a... Snakes eat frogs, last I checked. Siddall: You put them in a container in your backyard. Nice: Worst dating service ever. It's, it's an ecosystem that has a result. Snake eats frog. Siddall: Yeah, yeah. I mean it's a learning experience. You know, I spent a lot of time canoeing, and kayaking, and hiking. And you just get fascinated with the way things are connected. And it wasn't until I was a graduate student that I got this idea that all those connections between animals, and plants, and things that things eat carry all of these other parasites along. Tyson: So, uh, Jimmy Carter came through town, to this institution. To help us inaugurate the new exhibit Countdown to Zero, which is all about parasites, right? Yeah. Tyson: And the eradication of parasites. So I always like knowing whether people like presidents and other sort of people of high station in life that are not otherwise scientists, I always want to know, is there science in them somewhere? Nice: Yes. Tyson: Do they carry some kind of secret geek credentials that we don't otherwise know? Let's find out with President Jimmy Carter. Carter: In my freshman year in college, I was the laboratory assistant for the person who taught astronomy. So you had an early sort of cosmic baptism? Carter: Well I did, and I was in the Navy too. I learned how to navigate just from the stars and planets. Yeah. Now everyone's just got their GPS. I tell them, "in my day, we had to actually know..." Jimmy Carter: Well, we did. I was on a ship with my family at Christmas and I asked the captain if he had a sextant onboard and he said, "yes, we have one", and it was in a glass case over there. It had never been opened. With a special "break glass if necessary." In apocalyptic earth, that's all you have. Carter: Well, times change. Tyson: How would you say your knowledge of math or science in college and high school, has that influenced your politics? What I mean is your ability to think about world problems? Carter: Well, I was an engineer and I was a nuclear physicist. I was set in charge of building the second atomic submarine. So I studied advanced physics. Of course, when I went into politics, being an engineer, I planned things. You think differently from other politicians. Carter: I think in a way you do. You think differently from a lawyer or a doctor or something like that. And most of congress are lawyers, right? Carter: Unfortunately, yeah. Tyson: So you're really different. Carter: We need more engineers and farmers, yeah. Tyson: That's our man. Nice: Yeah, very cool. So after he became president, he started the Carter Center, which is devoted to sort of promoting sort of democracy and health and well-being around the world, and monitoring elections. Chuck Nice: Mm-hm. Tyson: And he's sort of a trusted soul around the world. Nice: Oh, absolutely. He comes in it's not, "here comes America." It's "here comes Jimmy Carter." And so uh... but another one of their goals is to stamp out stamp-out-able diseases, right? Siddall: Yeah, that's correct. The Carter Center's been trying to do a lot of things in the president's post-presidency, arguably among the most productive post-presidencies of any American president. I mean it, the, the hash tag if you will is "waging peace." Nice: Right. Siddall: Um, but also eradicating disease, and those go hand and hand. And you're a disease guy. Well, I'd like not to think that I'm the disease guy. Yeah, cause that would be terrible at cocktail parties. Uh... but, but, but, but these are among my concerns, I will agree. But wait, uh, disease and, and parasites and... Siddall: Parasites in particular. Tyson: And your Twitter handle is? "I am the leech guy." See? See what I'm saying, Chuck? The leech guy. Tyson: Was I lying here? Is this the man or what? You know, I didn't think the disease guy could get any worse, but... Tyson: The leech guy. Nice: The leech guy came along, so... Why the leech guy, Mark? Is that your concentration? Siddall: I mean, a lot of the work that we do here, me, my students, and I, concern leeches. I mean, it doesn't suck that bad. [Groans] [Laughter] Nice: Ah, don't groan on that, he got me! I love it! Tyson: I get it. Nice: I was not expecting that, man! Tyson: I get it. Nice: Come on! That was good! Mark Siddall: But uh... You know, here's the thing is that bio-diversity is really important. And it's kind of easy to get people to be worried about pandas, and koala bears, and spotted owls. Tyson: Cute things. Nice: Right, cute things. Siddall: But honestly, everything out there is really valuable in its own way, and that includes leeches themselves. Nice: Yeah. Tyson: Really? Nice: You know, it's funny is because I... now maybe I'm just not remembering correctly, but I think I read an article where leeches are now, once again being used because there are some true medical benefits to using leeches. Tyson: Yeah, which hospital is that? Nice: Not just... And maybe it's just my health plan. Perhaps I just need a better health plan. Just like you know, "hey, Chuck", this is all you can afford. Take these leeches." Tyson: You see the leech truck backing up into the, into the loading dock. Nice: I don't know. Am I right, though? Siddall: No, you are, you are. I mean, it's funny. There's a couple of guys in Slovenia. Couple of guys in Slovenia figured out that you could use leeches to remove excess blood after reattaching a finger, or an earlobe or whatever. Tyson: The circulation is bad otherwise. Siddall: Restoring circulation, that's exactly right. Leeches are actually really useful for that. They are not useful for those... in the 1800s, it was for obesity and hysteria. Nice: Right. Siddall: And gout. But that didn't really, no. No. Nice: Well, it got out of hand. Like, you know what I mean? They just... put some leeches on it. Like, you know what I mean? Tyson: Whatever it is. You got a sore throat? Put some leeches on it. So tell me about other kinds of parasites. Do they split into categories? 'Cause I think of ones that have been in the news, like bedbugs, and head lice, and crabs, and stuff. I mean, what? Nice: Crabs. Tyson: Chuck. Nice: Uh, and we're not talking dungeness, we know that. These are not Maryland crabs. Tyson: Chuck, we don't need that much information about which of these in this list you agree with here. Siddall: Well, I'd very much like to come back to your problem with crabs. Uh... in terms of, of the fact... You know, extinction of various parasites. But in general, we do kind of broadly classify different parasites, ectoparasites like leeches, and bedbugs, and lice. Tyson: Ecto would mean? Siddall: On the outside. Uh, endoparasites, uh, tapeworms and nematodes and hookworm. Tyson: Things that get inside you. And eat you from the inside out. Mark Siddall: Uh, and then there's also... Nice: Okay, let me ask you this. I'm sorry to hijack right now. But now you just made me think of something. Tyson: Chuck, wait, crabs has got him going here. Nice: You know, that's what... no, it's got her going. Tyson: He has a friend. Nice: It's really got her going. Tyson: He's got a friend, he's got a friend. Okay, go on. Nice: Well, so you said... you know in terms of endo, how about a tick, which starts on the outside, but burrows inside of you? What would that, is that con... Still considered like an... Siddall: Ticks don't burrow. Nice: Oh, really? Siddall: True. Nice: Okay. Siddall: Yeah. Nice: I thought that they did. I mean, that's a common perception that people have. Siddall: No, it's okay. And there are some of these insects that do burrow. Nice: Okay. Siddall: There's actually a flea that burrows into your toe. The chigoe flea lays eggs along the way, and it's terrible. The vertebrates like us, we're just the cans that the interesting things come in. So we're vessels for other animals to do their thing. Very much so. Jimmy Carter has taken on the mission to eradicate one of the creepiest parasites on earth. A worm that can grow more than two feet long, before it slowly emerges from your skin. That's next when StarTalk returns. [Audience applause] We're back on StarTalk from the Hall of the Universe. I got with me my co-host, Chuck Nice, tweeting @chucknicecomic. Nice: That's correct. Sir. Thank you. And my friend and colleague, Mark Siddall. Glad to be here. Tyson: Professor of genomics at the Sackler Institute, an entirely enclosed entity within the American Museum of Natural History. And we're here because Jimmy Carter brought us here. And he's got this exhibit, Countdown to Zero. And you're advising on it. You're chief curator. Siddall: I'm the curator of the exhibit, yeah. Tyson: Chief curator of the exhibit. And uh, one of their targets is, uh, diseases in general. But in particular, they were announcing progress on the Guinea worm. Siddall: Guinea worm. Tyson: What is the Guinea worm? Siddall: Guinea worm is what we call a roundworm parasite. It's actually not round, it's very, very long. It's about three feet long. Tyson: What, round compared to like flat worms? Siddall: Round if you cut it up in little pieces and you look it on the end. But really it's... Tyson: You sound like you've done... what are we? That, we be round humans. Siddall: We'd be round. My mid-section would be round if you cut. Siddall: Round primates, if you will. Um, it's actually been with humanity for several thousands of years. We know that because we have a... A mummy that's in Birmingham, England. It's got a Guinea worm in it that we can see with CT scanning. We know from the Bible, in fact, the fiery serpents that were referenced in the Bible are clearly about Guinea worm. This is a parasite that's afflicted humans for so long. And it's actually the only parasite of humans that must cause pain in order to complete the life cycle. Nice: Oh, so it's like my mom. [Laughter] Tyson: So what, so why... why single out the Guinea worm, compared to anything else? This is one of those conditions where only humans are infected, and there is a way to intercede in the life cycle to eradicate the disease. When those two things come together and you can deliver the services, you can actually come up with a campaign to eradicate a disease. So it's because you can't... the last person to have Guinea worm will be the last person to have Guinea worm. Siddall: Absolutely. Tyson: Because it does... you can't catch it from another animal. Siddall: That is correct. Tyson: So that makes it an affliction within reach. Siddall: It's part of the human niche. If we went extinct, so would the Guinea worm. Nice: So would the Guinea worm, right? Siddall: Absolutely. Nice: Yeah, they need us. But we do not need them. Tyson: That's right. Nice: Take that, Guinea worm. Mark Siddall: Correct. Tyson: Pow. Mark Siddall: Correct. So is there something else called a Guinea worm disease relative to Guinea worms? Right. We try to separate the name of the organism from the condition, and a good example is malaria. Uh, plasmodium falciparum, plasmodium malariae. These are the organisms that cause malaria. Malaria is the name of the disease. Guinea worm disease is the affliction... Tyson: Of having the Guinea worm within you. Siddall: Correct. Tyson: So these are huge undertakings to do this? Going into places that are otherwise not... transportation is not good. Communication isn't good. Culture gets in the way. So I had to ask Jimmy Carter, how do these huge undertakings manifest in their efforts to do just that? Let's check it out. Carter: We found Guinea worm, for instance, in 20 countries, three in Asia and the rest of them in Sub-Saharan Africa. 23,600 villages. And we've been to every village, either we or the people that were trained. We had just been able to give them the information on what causes the disease and what they can do to prevent it, and they have done the work. And so we give them credit for it, which is, always encourages success. It seems to me that's the only way you can be successful is to get people to... Carter: To do it themselves, and to give them credit. Tyson: Oh, of course, yes, yes. So in a way the Carter Center is not just your group of people at the center, it is the influence that it propagates. Exactly, and when we go into a country we generally send one superb scientist who knows all about the disease, and what causes it, and we teach, step-by-step people who live in the country. So say in Southern Sudan now, where we have the most cases of Guinea worm. Tyson: The most cases that remain. Carter: That remain, yes. And why don't we have more cases in Nigeria which has no cases now? But anyway, in South Sudan we have about 120 people on our payroll who monitor the whole country, but we have about 8,000 to 12,000 volunteers, mostly women, who monitor every village, and as soon as a case of Guinea worm develops, they immediately identify that person, keep them out of spreading the disease. Tyson: Out of the water supply, basically. Carter: Out of the water supply. Tyson: So he's in it. He's working it, and so, Mark, just before that clip, you talked about the Guinea worm requiring that we be in pain? Siddall: Yeah. Tyson: What does that mean? Siddall: When someone gets infected, let's say, in year one, by drinking water that has... Tyson: Is infected with the Guinea worm. Siddall: Infected with the Guinea worm, comes from drinking water that's got Guinea worm in another host, the water flea. It takes a year, a whole year for that worm to grow up to three feet long, let's say, in a leg. The only way that the worm, the mother worm is going to get to complete the life cycle is if she gets to water. Nice: You got to get out of the body, and get back to the water, and then lay the eggs. Siddall: So the way she does that is she inflicts excruciating pain. Tyson: So these are girl worms, not boy worms? Siddall: Well, the boys are d*ad by this point. Nice: Always the case. Siddall: They've done their deed and they're no longer relevant, they're gone. Tyson: Okay, all right. Siddall: So she'll inflict an incredibly excruciating, blistering burn in an extremity, usually a leg. That causes the afflicted person to go to water to get the soothing effect of water. And then she bursts her head out through the blister, dumps all of her young into the water, and completes the life cycle. Tyson: That is diabolical. Siddall: It is diabolical. These are dragons. Nice: Oh, my god. That's the Alien movie. That is the alien, the little snake man pops out the chest and you know, that's insane. Siddall: And it's real, and it's tragic. Nice: Yeah. Tyson: So what are the logistics of eradication? How do you combat this? Especially given that one-year delay. Oh, my gosh... How do you even get a cause and effect going there? Siddall: Well, that's actually really cool that you asked about that because education is absolutely key. Getting people to understand that something that will come out of your leg in year 2 as a result of an action in year 1 is really difficult to do in a place where you don't have education, people don't read, people don't write, you don't have Twitter, or what have you. There, there are other elements involved too. I think the most critical thing has to do with empowering people on the ground. I think this was learned from the small pox campaign that happened back in the seventies. So this is why you need somebody with the political influence and respect that Jimmy Carter gets. Siddall: Absolutely. In fact, President Carter has been able to... he's really interested in getting local communities acting but he's managed to get leaders of adjacent countries to compete against each other. Tyson: He'll just call up the head of the country. You can't do that, but he can do that. Siddall: I wouldn't even try. Well, I might try, but I don't know how far I'm going to get with that. Tyson: Let's find out what steps he's taking in the Carter Center to deal with all these cultural, political challenges. Carter: The first step in the whole process is for me to go to the country, meet with the president, and the minister of health and minister of... You get to do that as a former president. Carter: Well, I have to, yeah. Tyson: I love the way you say that. "I'll just meet with the president. I can just do that." Carter: I don't have any problem meeting with kings and that sort of thing. Tyson: I'm just saying that's great. Carter: But we sign a memorandum of understanding, kind of like a contract or covenant. And they do certain things, and we do certain things. And then we go in with their full support and permission, and start going from one village to another. We don't send in money to the countries. We don't send in medicine to the countries. We don't send in filter cloths to the countries. We make sure that our people deliver them directly to the village that is suffering from a disease. Tyson: So the distribution channels you oversee, it's not just dropped off at a drop-off point. Carter: We're completely in charge of all the distribution channels. So the filter cloths prevent, I guess the larvae from coming through so you can drink a clean cup of water. You pour the water with the Guinea worms in it through a very fine filter cloth, then you can drink the water that emerges. Tyson: And how about in times of w*r? How do you get in? Carter: That's a very difficult time. That's been our biggest hold up in South Sudan, which has been at w*r now off and on for 25 years. We try to promote peace, we negotiate peace agreements and hold elections as well. But when a conflict breaks out in a region, quite often they'll steal our motorcycles, they'll steal our delivery trucks. Tyson: Resources. Carter: Yeah, and they'll steal anything that's valuable, as well as attacking sometimes our own people, who are there to help them do away with the disease. Another thing is that some of the countries have no way to keep their interest up. They get overconfident when we drop them down from say 200,000 cases to 2,500 cases. Then they get overconfident, and we can't get the president and the minister of health to cooperate. Tyson: And they don't understand you've got to take it to zero. You've got to take it to zero, otherwise it'll come back. Tyson: So, Mark, they're dangers of complacency because... and it can be passive or active complacency. Siddall: Sure. Tyson: Passive would be, look, I got these other things on my plate, I can't worry about that now. Active would be I choose to not worry about this, because I don't think it's a problem. Siddall: Well, I mean, fundamentally it's whether or not you care about other people. Nice: Right. Siddall: And this is the way that these disease eradication, whether it's Guinea worm, or small pox, or polio, it's so centered on a community caring about the whole community, and infection, and what happens to your neighbor. But you have to somehow convince people that they need to do this. You need somebody with a diplomatic finesse. Siddall: Absolutely. Tyson: To pull that off. Siddall: Yes. Tyson: Of course, Jimmy Carter's known as a master of diplomacy. We'll find out how he used those same skills to take down the Guinea worm, coming up on StarTalk. [Audience applause] We're back on StarTalk from the Hall of the Universe. So we're talking about my interview with Jimmy Carter. And his efforts to eradicate the Guinea worm. Something of your specialty, Mark. Siddall: Yeah. Tyson: You think about these kinds of things all the time. Siddall: Every day. Tyson: Which creeps me out, I just want you to know. Siddall: Okay, that's fine. Tyson: Okay. It doesn't creep you out. Siddall: No. So the Guinea worm, it's not called the American worm. It's not called the Russian worm. Siddall: No. Tyson: It's not called the Cuba worm. It's called the Guinea worm. But nobody wants a disease named after their country. Siddall: That's certainly true. Tyson: And President Carter knew this, he knew this. Siddall: He did, he did, indeed. Tyson: And he used this to his diplomatic advantage. Siddall: Yeah. Tyson: Let's check it out. Jimmy Carter: We had a very difficult problem in Ghana, which started out with 126,000 cases and it got down to about 35 or 40, and it stayed there for about ten years. So I finally went to the president, three times, and told him that we're going to change of the Guinea worm to Ghana worm. Right, because it's named after where it was first discovered, I guess, or diagnosed. Carter: In the country of Guinea, yes, that's true. Tyson: Wow, that's an awesome thr*at. Carter: And we raised a lot of political pressure on him. He finally got the word and he became interested. Now we have zero cases in Ghana. Tyson: That is a clever peaceful thr*at. I've got to remember that. Carter: Sometimes, they got kind of angry with us, but, uh, it worked. Nice: Nice. Tyson: The man was just throwing it down. Nice: You know that is, that is... I mean, that is a great little ploy. Tyson: You know, Carter pulled off some more. He had some more tricks in his bag. You know he's a... he wants peace. What's the... what's the hashtag? Siddall: Uh, waging peace. And he actually used the Guinea worm to achieve peace in one incident. Siddall: Absolutely. Tyson: Let's find out how he did it. Carter: They had a w*r going on that was fought in dry seasons and wet seasons. The dry season was when Sudan with t*nk and so forth could travel easily. The wet season was when the rivers flooded, and the Southern Sudanese could prevail. So I went there, and I negotiated for quite a while with the south and north. Finally, they agreed on a ceasefire just so that we could do away with the Guinea worm, both in the north and south. And they still call it the Guinea Worm ceasefire. But they quit fighting for more than six months. Tyson: That reminds me of... you know you read about in the first World w*r, there was the Christmas ceasefire, or the Easter ceasefire, and it's a glimmer of hope that there is some humanitarian dimension in us all. Carter: And it shows that if you give people a chance in a very poverty-stricken country to correct their own problems, they do it superbly. Nice: Wow. Is it possible that he could give Congress Guinea worm? Cause that would be awesome. Tyson: So Mark, what is the relationship between disease and w*r? There's a very strong correlation. Probably the best example is if you go to the CDC website or the "W.H.O." Tyson: Center for Disease Control. Siddall: Centers for Disease Control website, or the World Health Organization website. You look at the distribution of polio right now. There's fewer than 500 new cases of polio a year, but they're in Waziristan, they're in Syria, they're in Southern Somalia, and they're in northern Nigeria. These are places of conflict. And, in fact, when I was with the Carter Center in South Sudan, there was some conflict going on very nearby that really gets in the way of infrastructure. And what goes on in a w*r torn area is an inability to provide services, and an inability to track cases, and find out where they are. Both of those, at the front end and the back end, you lose the connection to health care. And it's devastating. Tyson: So clearly, there are all kinds of challenges on this w*r on germs and parasites. And we'll find out how culture has played a role in the history of these diseases when we come back to StarTalk. We're back. Star talk, Hall of the Universe. Chuck. Nice: Hey. Tyson: Mark. Siddall: Yes. Tyson: You're helping us out here. We're trying to get rid of the Guinea worm via our exhibits here and the Carter Center. Nice: And I am actually going to count my appearance on this show as my contribution to the eradication of the Guinea worm. Tyson: Put that on your résumé, Chuck. When it happens, and I will say Chuck Nice. Comedian and eradicated Guinea worm. Tyson: Guinea worm. So, are we there? We're close. 126 cases left on the planet, down from three and a half million in 1986 because of the effort of the Carter Center. This is awesome, and you're working with him. I've been working with him in the field, and principally, been working with him on this exhibit that we've got here at the American Museum of Natural History. And that's a terrific thing because it's about celebrating this success as it's happening. Tyson: In real time. Siddall: In real time. So, it seems to me that there may occasionally be forces operating against success. We talked about w*r. Siddall: Yeah. Tyson: We talked about education. Siddall: Yes. Tyson: Uh, anything else? Siddall: Sure. In South Sudan in, uh, in the, in Mogos, in the containment center that we were in, there was a young man who came in who had a Guinea worm. The local physician, with traditional healing methods, said it must of got it because one leg was in the spirit world and one leg was in the natural world. Of course this isn't really how things go on, but... Tyson: Thanks for telling us. Nice: I was gonna say. I don't know what to believe anymore. Tyson: Remind you what show you're on and what network this is appearing on? Thanks for that assurance that his Guinea worm affected leg was not in the spirit world. It's straight forward enough for people who, like the three of us, would say, "well clearly, that's not the case." He got it from some water he drank the year before. But the connection's not that obvious to people who aren't that educated. Tyson: The time delay prevents that, I guess. Siddall: Time delay is huge. Tyson: I asked the president, President Carter, what challenges he's faced in this. Let's find out. Let's find out where he takes us. The Guinea worm exists when you have a rain pond near a village, and that's the only source of water. So the people living in the village know that their ancestors lived and their parents lived and they lived, because that pond existed. And sometimes they look on the pond as sacred. And for us to go in and tell them that the pond, which you consider to be sacred is causing this disease, they have an adverse reaction to it. And also the medicine men and other things, quite often they make their living wrapping the Guinea worm as it emerges from the body. It takes about 30 days. They wrap it around a stick about as big as a pencil, and you can make it come out in 20 days. That's the only way they've had to treat it for thousands and thousands of years. So when we tell them what causes it, and what to do about it, sometimes we have an adverse reaction. As a matter of fact, that's really the symbol for the doctor, the caduceus. That's what I was wondering because there's a serpent wrapped around a... Jimmy Carter: It's not a serpent, it's a Guinea worm. Tyson: It's a Guinea worm, okay. Carter: Yeah, that's my interpretation. And it's in the Old Testament too, the fiery serpent that att*cked the Israelites coming out of Egypt was a Guinea worm. Tyson: By all accounts, a Guinea worm. Carter: Absolutely. Tyson: So it's been with us for a while. Jimmy Carter: For a long time, but it'll soon be gone. Tyson: Wow, so if there's ever a new-new testament, they'll mention you and say, "he got rid of this." JC saved the day. Nice: The new-new testament. With the new-new JC. Tyson: That's exactly right. So, all right. So you have cultural traditional practices. Siddall: Sure. Tyson: And without referencing whether they work or not. Siddall: Right. Tyson: But with this time, this one year time delay, one could invoke practically anything they happen to do at the time as a possible cure. Siddall: Absolutely. And there were communities that were really upset about putting larvicides, something that will k*ll those inner... those water fleas, because this is a place that has been life giving to their families and they don't want anybody to mess with it. Tyson: What do you do about that? Getting a jar of water and filtering it, concentrating all those little fleas and showing someone in the light with a magnifying glass, all of the stuff that's living in the water. Tyson: In the filter. Siddall: In the water after you've filtered it, convinces them that maybe they don't want to drink this. Nice: That would do it for me. Siddall: And that's... Nice: Got to tell you. Siddall: But all that is education. Nice: Right. Siddall: And finding the right way to convey information. Humanity is not refractory to education and information. I disagree with you there, Mark. I'm sorry, I live in America. And uh, we... Yeah, what country you live in, Mark? Nice: We hate education, I mean, seriously. Look at what happens when you talk about vaccines. And you give people the science, and they say "no, no, no." You're just saying that because you're like part of the conspiracy. For example, you say... I got to agree with Chuck on this. You're saying humans are fundamentally not refractory. Siddall: Refractory to education. Tyson: Sorry, my vocabulary is not there. So, fine. But you look around, and you see people in denial of the role of vaccines. Siddall: Yes. Tyson: You see measles outbreaks in Disneyland. So where did... what are you saying? Siddall: I think the fault is that a couple of scientists incorrectly educated people about something that wasn't true. It's not that the people are refracted to education. They're hungry for it. Tyson: Ooooh, so it's one of our own. Siddall: Of course. Nice: Et tu, Brute? But you know, I think the other thing is what, what, what going back to the Guinea worm, when you talked about the demonstrable properties of being able to show people. Siddall: Sure. Nice: I think that has a lot to do with it. Tyson: That's potent, that's potent. Nice: People are afraid of science. I don't know why, but they're... they're just afraid of science. And if you can show them like, "hey, man, science is your friend. It's okay." Like I think they'll be more inclined to accept it. Tyson: We'll bring Chuck next time. Siddall: A lot of people were afraid of polio when it was k*lling their family members. Nobody's afraid of it any more. Why? Cause of a vaccine. Nice: Right, exactly. You know, I asked President Carter which nasty parasites or diseases he's targeting next, coming up on StarTalk. Welcome back to StarTalk. I'm your host Neil deGrasse Tyson. Chuck, Mark. Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson: We're trying to eradicate the Guinea worm. My interview with President Carter took me to new places, and you've been helping me understand this problem, thanks. Thanks for that. Let me ask you, though, if the Carter Center manages to completely eradicate the Guinea worm. Siddall: Yeah. Tyson: A parasite that affects only human beings. Siddall: Yes. It will go extinct, is that correct? That is correct. Now you study parasites. You love you some parasites. Does this upset you? Siddall: Not in the slightest. First of all, I think... Tyson: I don't know why I didn't expect you to say that. I thought you'd get all sentimental about it, right? Siddall: I'm very sentimental about parasites. But I'm sentimental about my 11-year-old daughter. And I know that everyone who lives out there with an 11-year-old daughter or an 8-year-old daughter is sentimental about those people too. I think that if there's a parasite that goes extinct... if we go extinct, then we don't have a moral responsibility to save it. In the sense that for the Guinea worm to not go extinct, would require that we assign someone's child. Nice: Right, to have it. Mark Siddall: To carry it. Is that gonna be your child? Is it gonna be yours? Is it gonna be mine? And are we gonna do that out of some weird sense of ecological guilt? Are there colleagues of yours who think differently? Siddall: There are no... Tyson: Can you keep it alive? Can you put it in some cadaver leg or something, just to keep it alive, just 'cause you find it amusing? No, although, that's actually been done with small pox, unfortunately. It's still around. People can still get infected. Guinea worm is an animal. Once you freeze an animal, for example, it's d*ad, it's not coming back. Do I have colleagues who disagree with me on this? None that I know of and if they did, they wouldn't be my colleagues anymore. And if they did, just give... let them be the hosts of the Guinea worm. Nice: You love it so much, why don't you marry it? Siddall: But I would, but I would even be opposed to that cause it maintains a possibility that you can have an outbreak in other people who didn't ask for it. And this is really where we get to even on measles. So I, I had to ask President Carter once the Guinea worm is eradicated, cause we're down to 126 cases. Siddall: Yes. Tyson: So we're counting down to minutes on that. Siddall: Which is huge. Tyson: It's huge, down from millions. Siddall: Three and a half million at least in 1986. Tyson: Right, okay, so, it's okay. So when they first, when he first took on this challenge. Siddall: Correct. Tyson: So I had to ask him what's next? Let's find out what he told me. We have other diseases on our horizon. One would be onchocerciasis, or river blindness, and another one might, in the future, might be trachoma, that also causes blindness. And so we deal with matters of this kind. Malaria is another one that's not so neglected as others. Tyson: With a huge fatality, I mean, world fatality, from malaria. Carter: Exactly, yeah that's true. And so the Carter Center is constantly on the cutting edge of assessing which diseases can be eliminated from a particular region. For instance, we've now just about eliminated all of the river blindness or onchocerciasis in this hemisphere. We only have a tiny little tribe of people in the border between Venezuela and Brazil that still has river blindness. For six countries in Latin America, it's just about gone. So it'll soon be gone from this hemisphere. And we're working on that in Africa as well, so river blindness is on the target. Nice: Wow. Tyson: So Mark, what is river blindness? Siddall: River blindness is caused by the larval stages of another nematode, instead of it being in like a water flea like Guinea worm. Tyson: Nematode is your word for what we call worms. Siddall: It's a worm. Sure, uh, the and those... Why don't you all just say worms, then? Siddall: Well. Tyson: Why do you have to make a three letter, a three syllable? Mark Siddall: Cause leeches are worms too, and they're not the same, I could go on for an hour about worms. Tyson: Okay, I will stick with nematode. Alright, so go. Nice: Let the man have his nematodes. Mark Siddall: So in this... Tyson: I didn't mean to get in his nematodes. I'm sorry. Siddall: River blindness is a condition that is caused by a worm called onchocerca volvulus, which we call oncho cause that's easier. Nice: Right. Siddall: But the larval stages will run around in your body. Sub, underneath the skin. Tyson: How do they get in? Siddall: They get in by the bite of a black fly. That's why it's called river blindness. Nice: Course it's gotta be a black fly. Tyson: I keep telling you, Chuck, it's not. Chuck Nice: Mm-hm. Tyson: It's, it's, it's, it's... Nice: It's okay. I'm just saying. Siddall: They get in by the bite. They get in by the bite of a fly in the family. [Laughter] Siddall: Simuliidae that happened to be very dark in color. Uh, but the larvae run around. Tyson: It's a multi-racial fly. That's right. Siddall: All right, river fly. We should call them river flies. Nice: River flies. Tyson: Yeah. Siddall: Because they actually lay their eggs in rivers, very fast, flowing water. That's why it's called river blindness. But the larvae get around and they start getting across the eyes, and they scar the cornea. Nice: Oh. Siddall: And that causes blindness. Now there, there are whole communities in Africa that for hundreds of years, if not thousands of years, the young lead the blind. Because when you get to twenty years old, you're blind. That's just the way it goes. Nice: That's awful. What parasites do you want to see eradicated next? Does your list agree with the president's? Mark Siddall: Yeah, my list actually agrees very clearly with the president's and the, the World Health Organization, and the Center for Disease Control. And there are few things that really make a disease eradicable. I wish Ebola was, but it's not. Because there are reservoir hosts like bats. The things that really just involve humans are things that we can get in front of, where we got the technology. Maybe it's a... Good reason to prioritize those. Siddall: Absolutely. We could get these things done in fifteen to twenty years. So maybe we need more science fiction movies that show parasites, cause Alien had parasites. Prometheus. I got my list here. Star Trek II. No, no, Star Trek... Nice: Yes, that's the earwig, man! Tyson: The earwig! Ooh! Ooh! Nice: Oh, that was nasty! Tyson: Wrath of Khan. Nice: Wrath of Khan! They like, they put him on his knees. He was just like, oh. And they go, oh my, I know. You haven't recovered from that scene. I'm still freaking out about it! So I mean in the real world, you know. My friend Bill Nye the science guy. He's gonna explain why scientific advances you probably take for granted may be the only reason why you're alive today. Next on StarTalk. We're back on StarTalk talking about diseases. Nice: Yes. Tyson: And parasites and stuff. You know, in this segment, we occasionally like to feature a little contribution from a good friend of mine, Bill Nye the science guy. He recently moved to New York City. Anytime we get him to contribute to StarTalk, we have to like chase him down and catch up with him wherever we happen to find 'em. While we've been talking about parasites and he has something to say about how science can help keep us alive from things that would have surely k*lled us in a time gone by. Siddall: Okay. Bill Nye: Greetings, sir, may I have a hotdog, mustard and relish? Thanks. If you're a big living thing like a human, you might think your enemies are lions and tigers and bears. Oh my, but oh, no, no. It's tiny things like germs and parasites. They've wiped out whole societies and civilizations with things like the bubonic plague, Ebola, and the flu, and who knows what else is out there in the bush or elsewhere just waiting to come and get us? You need a microscope with special skills even to see them in the first place. That's why so many people around the world have trouble accepting how dangerous they can be. Many germs and parasites enter our bodies through the water we drink. So by understanding the science of disease, we've designed filters that are so fine they block out the germs and parasites and don't let them enter our bodies in the first place. We've been able to preserve the lives of millions of people around the world, raising their quality of life and making them more productive so that people everywhere enjoy longer, healthier lives. It's wonderful. Oh, man. That is wonderful. Nice: Wow. Bill Nye died twelve hours later from eating that hotdog. Nice: Yeah, I was going to say, half the stuff he talked about was on that hotdog. Tyson: No, Bill Nye said it all. I mean, the real enemy is microscopic. And you said earlier in this show that we're not just humans living apart from the rest of the bacterial kingdom. That they are within us. Siddall: Absolutely. Tyson: Living and working. Mark Siddall: Yeah. Where a human, or where the human species starts and stops, is actually very fuzzy and the fuzziness comes from our... Wait, that sentence is freaking me out. Say it like again, but don't freak me out. What do you mean, the definition of a human is fuzzy? What does that even mean? Well, the definition of a human is pretty clear. Your skin stops here, but then there's the bacteria on it, and then maybe the virus on the bacteria, so maybe it's not right there, but that goes for the species too. Tyson: Oh, the boundary. Siddall: Yeah, so where does the species start and stop in, in, in... Tyson: And then you go interior. Nice: So where do I end and my bacteria begin? Siddall: But then, there are things that move between you and other human beings that, that can only move between you and other human beings. Nice: Yes, and I had that checked out, and apparently... (Laughing) Tyson: You went to the clinic. Nice: Right... All I'm saying is they gave me some pills. Everything's fine now. I think fundamentally... As a parasitologist, I look at the world through different glasses, and I don't see people or species as these separate entities. They're all connected through things they eat, and where they crap, and who eats whose crap. But there's this intricate deep web-like connection of all of life, and parasites are just a great manifestation of that. Tyson: How many species of living organisms exist within us at any given moment? Approximately, approximately. 200,000. Nice: Wow. Tyson: What?! Siddall: Well when you call... I mean the virus. Viruses and bacteria, and the, and the, and the... So we are vessels for the lives of 200,000 different species of micro-organisms? Siddall: Sure, I hate to say something as trite as we're all connected, but we're evolved in concert with the microbiota, the parasites. No creature on earth lives or dies in vain. Siddall: Exactly. Guys, we got to wrap this up. This has been fun. Siddall: This is great. Tyson: I feel like enlightened. Mark, I got to have you back again. Siddall: Thank you. Nice: Good stuff. Siddall: Thank you for letting me be here. It has been an honor to work with President Carter on this exhibition, and I'm really happy that you're really talking about it here on the program. Tyson: Yeah, we're talking about it. And Chuck, thanks as always for being on StarTalk. Guys, we're out of here. This has been StarTalk from the Hall of the Universe at the American Museum of Natural History. I've been your host, Neil deGrasse Tyson, your personal astrophysicist. And, as always, I bid you all to keep looking up.

{"type": "series", "show": "StarTalk", "episode": "01x06 - Jimmy Carter"}

foreverdreaming

Emma: This is a tale from long, long ago. Emma: Our Highland Kingdom was once the land of the fairies. Emma: The fairies loved peace. Emma: They loved beautiful things and fun things... Emma: and so they lived quietly and peacefully for hundreds of years. Anne; young: But I feel so sorry for the poor fairies now. Emma: Yes, the poor fairies. Emma: This is all because years ago... Emma: humans rose in rebellion and made the fairies their servants. Emma: People say that fairies were fools who idled away their time and lost to the humans, Emma: but Mama doesn't think that's true. Emma: There are fewer fairies than humans, Emma: so in a contest of strength, they lost to the humans. That's all. Anne: Why do you think that, Mama? Emma: Well, just look! Anne; young: How beautiful! Emma: Here. Anne: It's delicious! Emma: Sugar confections are a sacred food. Emma: They extend the lifespans of fairies and bring good fortune to humans. Emma: And the first ones to make these sugar confections were fairies. Anne; young: Really? Emma: And the method of refining sugar apples into silver sugar... Emma: was discovered by fairies. Emma: That's how sugar confections were born. Emma: And that is why sugar artisans... Emma: most especially silver sugar masters, must never look down on fairies. Emma: They must keep company with fairies as friends. Emma: And so must you, Anne. Anne; young: I will! Anne: Mama, watch over me! Anne: I will become a silver sugar master just like you were! Anne: All right, I'm setting out! Jonas: Wait! Anne! Anne: Huh? Anne: What? Jonas: Wait for me, Anne! Anne: J-Jonas?! Jonas: You're just awful, leaving without saying a word like that. Anne: I-I'm sorry. If I said goodbye, I thought you'd try to stop me. Jonas: Even though you didn't say it, I still came to stop you. Anne: Jonas, I'm truly grateful to you for everything up until now. Anne: Your family and the people of this village were truly good to Mama. Anne: But I did tell you, didn't I? Anne: I want to enter this year's Sugar Confectionary Exhibition. Anne: No. I must enter, no matter what. Anne: Please understand! Jonas: I do understand! Jonas: I'm a sugar artisan too! Jonas: But it will be impossible for you to travel all the way to Lewiston alone. Jonas: After all, you're small for being fifteen. Jonas: You're as scrawny as a scarecrow, Jonas: and your entire fortune consists of that run-down cart and the horse. Jonas: But I love you just as you are. Jonas: So, won't you marry me? Jonas: I told you! Ever since the day you and your mother first came here, Jonas: I have been completely entranced by you. Jonas: I will fill the hole that has been left in your heart! Jonas: I will make you as happy as your mother did and more! Jonas: After all, I come from a wealthy house. Jonas: And we're related by blood to the founder of the Radcliffe Workshop school... Jonas: Anne! Wait! Anne: Goodbye, Jonas! Take care! Jonas: Anne! Wait! Anne! Anne: Jonas would never seriously propose to me. Anne: He pities me because I've lost Mama, that's all. Anne: To marry out of pity would be so... Anne: No, that's not it. Anne: The thought of marriage itself, of living as someone's wife... Anne: I want to live my own life! Anne: I want to chase my dreams! Anne: Right, Mama? fairy hunter: Take that, you piece of crap. Anne: Excuse me, what's going... fairy hunter: You little... fairy hunter: Take that, you malicious little... Anne: A fairy?! old farmer: A labor fairy who serves that fairy hunter there. old farmer: He stole his own wing and tried to escape. fairy hunter: You thief of a fairy. fairy hunter: This is what I'll do to the likes of your wing. Mythrill: D-Don't! Anne: How horrible! Anne: A fairy's wing is its life! Anne: Why won't anyone save him? old farmer: Well, because he's a fairy. old farmer: And the fairy hunter has a violent personality. old farmer: If your attempt to help went badly, and then he turned on you... fairy hunter: How's that? fairy hunter: Never defy me again, understand? fairy hunter: Swear that you'll never steal your wing and try to run away again. old farmer: H-Hey... Mythrill: Hmph! Who'd swear anything to a human? Mythrill: I'll take it back again and again! It's my wing! fairy hunter: Very well! Then, I'll just k*ll you right here. Anne: If you'll excuse me? Anne: Ready and... Anne: there! Anne: Here you are. Anne: Oh, wait! Mythrill: Bah! I'd never thank the likes of a human! Mythrill: And don't you forget it! Anne: Well... yes. I am one of those detestable humans, after all, right? fairy hunter: You! You let my valuable labor fairy escape! fairy hunter: What are you gonna do about it? Anne: Well, you were planning to k*ll that fairy, weren't you? Anne: That's no different from him leaving like this. fairy hunter: Little girl, you... old farmer: Hey! That's enough! villager A: A grown man like you raising your hand against a child like her? villager C: It may have only been a fairy, but you were a little too awful to it! crowd: That's right! fairy hunter: I won't forget this. crowd: Go on! Get out of here! crowd: Serves you right! old farmer: You're very impressive, young lady. crowd: And don't come back! old farmer: To put that tiny body of yours on the line for a fairy... Anne: It was my pleasure. Anne: Despite how I look, I'm fifteen. In this kingdom, that's the age of majority. old farmer: I beg your pardon. old farmer: Still, you're a very kind girl. Anne: About that... The truth is that I'm not. Anne: Sir, where can I find the fairy market? fairy trader A: Labor fairies! They're hard workers! fairy trader B: Would you like a companion fairy? I have a collection of beauties! fairy trader C: Come, come! Keep hold of one of their wings and fairies will do whatever you want! fairy trader C: Come and buy! Anne: Would you happen to have any warrior fairies for sale? fairy trader C: I don't carry anything as dangerous as that. fairy trader C: The old man down at the end does have one. fairy trader C: But you should give up on it. It's defective goods. Anne: Thank you. Anne: Beautiful... Anne: just doesn't do justice to him. Anne: I've never seen a fairy like him. Shall: I thought I saw something familiar... Shall: but it's just a scarecrow. Anne: A scarecrow? Shall: You. I'm talking about you. Shall: That's right, Scarecrow. Anne: S-S-Scarecrow?! Anne: That is so rude!You can't say that to a girl in her prime! Shall: Who cares anything for the prime of a scarecrow? Anne: H-How dare you speak that way... fairy trader D: Sorry about that, young miss. fairy trader D: My goods have a sharp tongue. fairy trader D: If anyone passes by, he calls them names with no care for who they are. fairy trader D: Pay it no mind and continue on your way. Anne: But I do mind! Anne: This advice may be unwelcome, Anne: but with a tongue like that, you'll never sell him as a companion fairy! Anne: Why don't you just let him go? fairy trader D: That's not a companion fairy. fairy trader D: It's a warrior fairy. Anne: What? fairy trader D: Three fairy hunters died capturing him. That's what an excellent article he is. Anne: Th-That can't be true! Anne: The warrior fairies I've seen up until now have been burlier and bigger... fairy trader D: For a fairy trader, trust is the most important thing. fairy trader D: We don't lie. Anne: Um, I came to buy a warrior fairy, but... Anne: Don't you have anyone besides him? fairy trader D: Warrior fairies are difficult to handle. fairy trader D: This one is the only one I have for sale. You could try somewhere else. Shall: Hey, Scarecrow. Anne: By "scarecrow," do you mean me? Shall: Is there anyone here but you? Shall: Stop dithering. Shall: Buy me. Anne: B-Buy... Are you giving me an order? fairy trader D: Marvelous! fairy trader D: This is the first time I've heard him tell someone to buy him. fairy trader D: Could it be that you fell in love with the young miss at first sight? Anne: What? Shall: Don't assume that I am like you. fairy hunter D: What? Shall: I said not to assume that I am like you, you filthy human. Anne: Don't! Anne: Wait! What are you doing? Stop! Anne: Please. Please! Fairy hunter D: One hundred cress! Anne: What? Anne: I believe this should satisfy you. fairy trader D: A gold coin? fairy trader D: That's quite a show of commitment from you, young miss. fairy trader D: But you've made a good purchase here. fairy trader D: Here. His wing. Go on and verify the goods yourself. Anne: This is... Shall: My heart. fairy trader D: Now, be very careful, understand? fairy trader D: Warrior fairies are savage. fairy trader D: Let down your guard, and he'll immediately steal that leather pouch... fairy trader D: and come to k*ll you. Shall: That isn't all. Shall: I'll come to k*ll you, too. Just wait. Anne: Hey! fairy trader D: I look forward to it. Anne: Excuse me! I wish you'd stop speaking as though it's certain that I'll be k*lled! Anne: Come on. We're going! fairy trader D: Say, young miss! Are you really going to be able to make him serve you? Shall: Of course she can. Right, Scarecrow? Anne: It's Anne! Anne Halford! Anne: The next time you call me that, I'll h*t you, understand? Anne: I'm headed to Lewiston from here. Anne: I'd like for you to protect me on my way there. Anne: In other words, provide escort. May I ask that of you? Shall: A simple task. I'll even throw in a kiss as a special service. Anne: I do not require any such high-handed service! Anne: Least of all my precious... Shall: You haven't had your first kiss yet, either? You're such a child. Anne: Well, pardon me for being a child! And anyway, you... Anne: What is your name? Shall: Why do you want to know? Anne: Well, I don't know what I should call you, do I? Shall: Tom or Sam. Call me by whatever human name you like. Anne: Then I'll call you Crow. Shall: In retaliation for calling you Scarecrow? Anne: That's right, Mister Crow. Shall: Shall Fen Shall. Anne: Shall Fen Shall. That's a beautiful name. Anne: Which part is your first name and which is your surname? Shall: The entirety is my name. Shall: We do not differentiate between first and last names like humans do. Anne: Really? But Shall Fen Shall is too long, so... Anne: I'll call you Shall. Is that all right? Shall: I believe I told you to call me whatever you like. Shall: You are my master. Anne: Yes, I am. Anne: Wings are the source of a fairy's life force. Anne: Even if their wings are ripped off, they can survive. Anne: But if their wings are damaged, they weaken and die. Anne: Having learned that, humans rip off a single wing to force fairies to obey them. Anne: That is how fairies ended up serving humans. Anne: I bought you because I wanted you to serve as my guard, Shall. Anne: But I promise you this... Anne: once we arrive in Lewiston, I will return your wing to you. Shall: You're saying you will set me free? Anne: That's right. Shall: You'll allow a fairy which you bought with a gold coin to escape? Shall: Could such a naïve human exist? Anne: Naïve? Anne: I simply believe that humans and fairies can be friends, that's all. Anne: The truth is, I don't want to compel anyone to serve me. Anne: And, of course, I don't want to sell you to another human. Anne: That's why I'll return your wing to you. Anne: And while you're accompanying me on my travels like this, Anne: I'd like to treat you as a friend, if that's possible. Shall: Friends? Shall: We could never become friends. Anne: My mama and me, it's our ideal... Anne: for humans and fairies to treat each other as equals. Anne: But if no one ever actually puts it into practice, Anne: then that ideal will never become reality. Anne: That's why I will do it. Shall: So both mother and daughter have the brains of scarecrows? Anne: Please don't insult my mother! Anne: If you hate me so much, why did you tell me to buy you? Anne: I would never want to be made to serve someone I hated! Shall: Humans are all the same. Shall: In which case, being made to serve a fool makes things easier for me. Shall: Amongst those I have seen in the last few years, you seemed the greatest fool by far. Anne: The Bloody Highway. Anne: It's approximately , carron long. Anne: Between here and Lewiston, there isn't a single village or town. Shall: There are merely fortshelters, a sort of convenient stronghold. Shall: You'll also find wild animals that att*ck indiscriminately... Shall: And bandits, of course. Anne: You know this road? Shall: How many years do you think I have been forced to serve humans? Shall: And the reason you bought me was to help you make it through this road, wasn't it? Anne: I'm depending on you, Mister Warrior Fairy. Shall: You should pray as hard as you can... Shall: that we reach the first fortshelter safely. Anne: Here, it's for you. Anne: I know. Anne: Our luck just happened to be good today. Anne: But this journey is a long one. If the worst happens, I'll be counting on you. Anne: He is vexing, but... Anne: fairy wings are beautiful, aren't they? Anne: May I touch it? Shall: Don't touch me! Shall: Everything other than what you hold in your hands is mine. Anne: I'm sorry. Anne: That was thoughtless of me. Anne: Why did I do that? Anne: I thought I understood, but... Anne: Mama! Emma: Anne! Awake already? Emma: Oh my. What's wrong? Emma: Are you hurt somewhere? Anne: It's not that. I had a horrible dream. Anne: Mama, you had died. It was a horrible dream. Emma: You silly. Emma: Find your life's path and walk it resolutely. Anne: Mama? Emma: I know you can do it. Emma: You're such a good girl, Anne. Don't cry. Anne: Wait... Wait, Mama! Anne: Please, Mama! Don't go! Anne: Wh-What... Anne: What, what, what, what, what? Anne: What do you want? Just now, your hand was on my neck. Anne: Shall, your wing. You couldn't have been... Shall: I almost had it. Anne: You're heartless! Anne: I told you didn't I? I want to be your friend! Anne: And in spite of that, you... Shall: Friends? Shall: When you hold my life in your hands? Shall: I have been bought by you, forced to serve you. Shall: We can never be friends. Anne: I am a fool, aren't I? Anne: You're right. I've been naïve. Anne: Even though I'd made up my mind to have you serve me, Anne: I've kept saying selfish things about wanting to be friends. Anne: I won't ever let down my guard again! Shall: A bagworm moth this time, then, is it? Anne: Scarecrow suits me just fine! Anne: And I'll say this as well. Anne: Despite everything, I will keep my promise. Anne: When we reach Lewiston, I'll return your wing. Anne: Once I do, I'll ask you again whether or not we can be friends! Anne: Until then, I am your master! Shall: I bungled that. Shall: But there is no need to be impatient. Shall: I've spent nearly years being forced to serve humans. Shall: My freedom may have been put off for a day, but three days from now... Shall: There it is again. Shall: Why does that scent come from this girl? Shall: The sweet scent of silver sugar... Shall: Liz... Anne: We must reach the next fortshelter within the day. Anne: We've traveled carron since starting out on the highway. Anne: That's still only a sixth of the distance. Shall: Stop. Anne: What? Anne: Bandits? bandits: Let's go! Anne: Oh no! They're coming this way! Anne: That's right! Shall, you're a warrior fairy, aren't you? Anne: Chase the bandits away! Shall: That's too much work. Anne: Too much work? Honestly! I'm your master! Your master! Anne: At this rate, we'll be k*lled! Please! Anne: What? You're too close! Shall: If you're my master, then you shouldn't plead. You should order me, shouldn't you? Anne: You're too close! Please, move away! Just go, won't you? Shall: Your face is red. Anne: J-J-Just go, won't you? Please, I'm begging you! Shall: I told you to give me an order. Anne: An order? But look, they're coming! Shall: "Go, now." "I'll tear up your wing." If you said those things, I'd go immediately. Anne: What are you talking about? Just, please! Shall: Order me. Anne: I said go! If you don't go, I'll punch you! Shall: I suppose that will do. I'll go. Shall: At your command, Mistress Scarecrow. Anne: Shall! bandit leader: I-It's a warrior fairy! Turn back! text: The Scarecrow Fairy text: The Bloody Highway

{"type": "series", "show": "Sugar Apple Fairy Tale", "episode": "01x01 - Kakashi to y\u00f4sei"}

foreverdreaming

Jonas: Anne? Jonas: Anne! Anne: What? Anne: J-Jonas? Anne: What happened, Jonas? Anne: What are you doing here? Jonas: I was worried, so I came after you. Jonas: I'm glad you're safe. Jonas: From here on, I'll protect you. Anne: I'm not sure that means much coming from someone who was just att*cked by bandits... Jonas: But it's very strange... Jonas: When did I catch up and pass you? Anne: I stopped in the town of Redington, so... Anne: Wait, are you even listening to me? Jonas: Redington? Jonas: Oh, that's where you bought the warrior fairy. Jonas: It's quite beautiful. Jonas: Did you make a mistake and buy a companion fairy instead? Anne: Jonas, please, won't you go back? Anne: This journey is much too dangerous for you. Jonas: I am not going back. Jonas: I am going to Lewiston with you. Jonas: And you know why, don't you? Jonas: Because I love you! Anne: Um, Jonas. Anne: I appreciate your feelings, but I think you're confused. Anne: You think the feelings of pity you have toward me are love. Jonas: I came here for your sake! Jonas: Do you hate me? Jonas: This doesn't make you happy at all? Challe: Scarecrow. We should hurry and leave this place. Challe: Wild crows. Challe: They've caught the scent of blood and come here. Challe: Once they've appeared, wolves aren't far behind. Anne: This is bad. We must set off at once! Challe: So, you have a man who would come after you? Challe: Impressive, for a child. Anne: I am not a child! Anne: I am fifteen. I have fully come of age! Anne: And Jonas isn't that sort of a person to me. He feels pity for me, that's all. Challe: Pity? Anne: Whatever the case, you should turn back here, Jonas! Anne: You aren't the sort of person who should be doing dangerous things in a place like this! Anne: Say, Challe. About the cart behind us... Anne: If anything happens, will you go and help? Challe: If you wish to make me do something, Challe: use my wing against me and give me an order. Anne: Earlier, you were quite annoying about saying, "Give me an order, give me an order." Anne: What was that? Challe: Other than what I am ordered to do, Challe: I intend to do nothing. Anne: It's true that I decided to make you serve me, Challe. Anne: But I also said that I hate doing that. Anne: That's why this is a request. Anne: For now, I will continue to make requests. Anne: If you still refuse, then I'll change them into orders. Anne: And, just as you wish, Anne: I'll even say, "I'll rip up your wing unless you do as you're told." Anne: But first, I will make a request! Challe: You truly are a strange scarecrow-head. Anne: You keep saying "scarecrow, scarecrow"... Anne: Not that it matters anymore. Jonas: So this is a fortshelter, is it? Jonas: It's my first time staying in one. Anne: Your first time? Then, what did you do last night? Jonas: I had the horses run through the night. Jonas: I wanted to catch up to you as quickly as possible! Anne: Jonas, after we stay here tonight, tomorrow you should— Jonas: Right now, I am simply going somewhere I want to go, that's all. Jonas: It isn't as though I'm following you. Anne: My head aches... Challe: Don't touch me! Challe: Everything other than what you hold in your hands is mine. Anne: Jonas? It's me. Will you open the door? Cathy: Was there something you required? Anne: Cathy! Anne: You came with him? Cathy: I am Master Jonas's labor fairy. Naturally, I did. Anne: Th-That's true. Of course. And where is Jonas? Cathy: He has retired for the evening. Anne: Then when he wakes, will you tell him to eat this? Cathy: Such crude fare as this... Master Jonas will not eat a single mouthful. Anne: At home, that might be true, Anne: but on a journey, this is something to be grateful for. Cathy: It reeks of beast fat. Even I, a fairy, would disdain to eat it. Anne: Is that so? Well, I'm very sorry for my unwanted meddling! Anne: Here. Challe: What is it? And what do you want me to do with it? Anne: It's your portion, of course! Anne: Was it wrong of me to offer you such poor fare? Anne: Does a soup reeking of beast fat not suit your taste either? Challe: What is this, all of a sudden? Challe: It's as though your head has been set on f*re. Anne: Well, I am a scarecrow-head, after all. I'm sure it would burn very well! Challe: Apparently, it's quite the blaze. Anne: Well, who wouldn't be ablaze? Anne: "This poor person's soup wouldn't suit Anne: the tastes of an honorable heir to a sugar confectionary." Anne: That's what a fairy just said to me. Anne: Do you find this soup detestable, too? Challe: That isn't it. I was simply... surprised. Anne: Surprised? By what? Challe: Before serving yourself, you gave me soup. That surprised me. Anne: What are you talking about? Anne: When you make food, having other people eat first is the normal thing to do, isn't it? Anne: Oh, a spoon! Anne: I'm so sorry! Anne: What? Anne: Challe, that was... Challe: I ate it. Anne: You ate it? How? Challe: We don't eat with our mouths. Challe: We hold our hands over it, or touch it, to absorb it. Anne: Is that how fairies are? Anne: So, was it good? Challe: There is no flavor. We simply absorb it. Challe: There is one thing which we can taste. Anne: What is it? Challe: Silver sugar. Challe: It's sweet. Anne: Do you like sugar confections? Challe: I don't hate them. Anne: Then, I'll make some for you! Anne: Despite how I might appear, I am a bit of a sugar artisan! Challe: You? Anne: Listen and be amazed! Anne: My mama was a silver sugar master! Anne: As her daughter, Anne: I've been playing with silver sugar instead of clay since I could toddle! Anne: Moonflower would suit you, Challe. Maybe I'll make something in that shape. Anne: Challe! Th-There's something in the cargo hold! Anne: W-Will you go and look? Challe: Is that an order? Anne: What? Challe: If I don't go look, will you tear up my wing? Anne: Th-That isn't... Challe: Then, do it yourself. Anne: Fine. I'll just go and look then! Anne: There's nothing here? Mithril: Hey, you! Anne: No! Mithril: Let me go, you lowlife! I said, let go! Challe: Is this meant as provocation?! Mithril: Owww... Mithril: You sure are a rough one! I am delicate, you know? Mithril: Be gentler with me! Challe: You talk too much. Anne: So, you're the one who was running wild in the cargo hold? Mithril: I wasn't running wild. Mithril: I nodded off, had a nightmare, and woke with a jump. Anne: That was quite a jump as you woke up. Anne: That aside, who are you? Anne: When, and why, did you climb into my cart? Mithril: I am Mithril Lid Pod! Mithril: I've come to return the favor to you! Anne: Return the favor? Anne: Oh! Mithril: Bah! I'd never thank the likes of a human! Mithril: And don't you forget it! Anne: Are you the one from back then? Mithril: What? So, you didn't remember me? Mithril: Forgetting the face of the one you saved... You're heartless! Anne: Wh-What is that supposed to mean? How does that make me heartless? Anne: Besides, back then, you were covered in mud and— Mithril: At any rate, yesterday, you saved me. Mithril: That's why I've come to fulfill my duty. Anne: But back then, you said you'd never thank a human, didn't you? Mithril: I did. Because I hate humans, you see? Mithril: That's why I'm returning the favor instead. Mithril: And let me tell you, I'll return the favor, but I'll never say thanks, not even if I die. Mithril: Well then! Let me return the favor! Anne: Well, um... Anne: I know! Anne: Will you oil the wagon's axles for me? Mithril: Don't treat me like I'm stupid! Mithril: In return for the favor of saving my life, you want me to do something that dull?! Mithril: Think of a more impressive favor! Anne: What do you mean by "an impressive favor"? Mithril: I'm telling you to figure it out, aren't I? Challe: He's a fussy one. Should I strangle him to death? Mithril: A favor! A favor! Challe: If you order me to, I will. Mithril: What did you say? Anne: Wait, wait, wait! Anne: Then there won't have been any point in saving him! Anne: Let's see, you... Mithril, was it? Mithril: It's Mithril Lid Pod! Don't shorten it! Anne: Mithril Lid Pod. Anne: There's no need to return the favor. Anne: I didn't save you in the hopes of something like that. Anne: You're free. You should go wherever you like and live happily th— Mithril: Hey! Human girl! Anne: It's Anne. Mithril: Anne. Mithril: You're pretending you're kind when you're not, trying to get rid of me! Mithril: Like I'll let that happen? Mithril: Let me repay the favor! Mithril: If you don't, I'll follow you to the depths of the underworld! Anne: The underworld? Challe: We should strangle him to death. Mithril: You! Mithril: You're a fairy, too! How could you say such mean things to me? Anne: Somehow, I feel exhausted. Mithril: Fairy k*ller! Fairy k*ller! Mithril: Let go of me! Let me go, you fairy k*ller! Anne: I'm sorry, Challe. I'll make a sugar confection for you tomorrow night. Mithril: Hey! You! I'm talking to you! Anne: Don't steal your wing while I'm asleep, all right? Mithril: Let go! Let go! Let go! Let go! Let go! Challe: Regardless of whether I take it or not, I don't think you will be able to sleep. Mithril: Hey, you two! Why are you trying to go to sleep?! Mithril: Wake up! I said, wake up! Mithril: Don't fall asleep! Challe: Shall we throw him out now, while we can? Anne: That would be too cruel, so please don't. Anne: And even if we did cast him aside, he'd only come back. Anne: He did go so far as to say he'd follow us to the depths of the underworld. Anne: Mama... Anne: Until we reach Lewiston safely... Anne: please watch over us. Jonas: Anne, you understand, don't you? Jonas: I am worried about you. Jonas: That's all. Jonas: Anne. Anne: We've traveled karon since we started the Bloody Highway. Anne: From this point on, it would be even more dangerous to turn back alone. Anne: Now it's come to this, why don't we travel as far as Lewiston together? Jonas: You understand, then?! Anne: In return, I hope you understand that this is truly dangerous. Jonas: Of course. Anne: Jonas, Cathy, allow me to formally introduce you. Anne: Challe fen Challe. He's a warrior fairy. Jonas: What about a name? You haven't given him one? Anne: What I just told you is his name. Anne: I call him Challe. Jonas: Normally, you give them human names. Jonas: You there. You're so beautiful it seems a waste to keep you as a warrior fairy. Jonas: You'd be likely to sell as a companion fairy. Challe: If I suit your fancy, then will you buy me from the scarecrow? Challe: In terms of foolishness, you're each as bad as the other. Challe: It doesn't matter to me which of you I am made to serve. Jonas: F-Foolishness? Anne: Challe! Anne: I'm sorry, Jonas! Challe has a sharp tongue. Anne: He's called me an idiot or a fool countless times. Anne: Please don't let it bother you. Jonas: I-I won't. It isn't something you need to apologize for, Anne. Jonas: More importantly, what about that fairy? Mithril: You mean me? Mithril: I am Lord Mithril Lid Pod! Mithril: Make sure to use "lord" when you call my name. Jonas: L-Lord? Anne: Honestly! Anne: Why are both of you so arrogant? Anne: Please confine that attitude just to me. Other people have nothing to do with it! Anne: Now, it's time for our meal! Anne: With so much delicious food, you wouldn't need something like my soup, would you? Cathy: Of course not. Not that crude soup reeking of beast fat. Jonas: Silence, Cathy! Jonas: I will not allow you to speak to Anne with such rudeness! Cathy: My apologies, Master Jonas. I was only— Jonas: Disappear. Jonas: I'm sorry, Anne. My labor fairy hasn't been trained very well. Jonas: Your soup was delicious. I would be happy to have it again tonight. Anne: Oh, um, of course. Anne: The way Jonas behaves is probably the correct way to act as a fairy's master... Anne: but even so... Mithril: The ability to erase her form? That's pretty impressive. Mithril: But compared to the power of the wonder that is me, it's still lacking. Anne: Mithril, what powers do you have? Mithril: Don't be too surprised! Mithril: In the northernmost part of the Kingdom of Highland lies a great lake, Mithril: the waters of Loess Lake... Mithril: A drop of that water landed on a leaf, and that's what I was born from! Anne: From a water drop? Anne: Are all fairies born from water drops? Mithril: Anne, you don't know anything, do you? Mithril: Fairies are born from all sorts of things. Mithril: Grass seeds. The fruit or nuts of trees. Mithril: Water drops or jewels. Mithril: The energy of an object condenses and then we're born. Mithril: But for that to happen, the gaze of a living being is needed. Mithril: Human, animal, it doesn't matter what. Mithril: Being gazed upon causes the energy to take form, Mithril: and that's what turns into a fairy. Anne: Really? Anne: Challe, what were you born from? Mithril: From the look of him, I'd say obsidian. Mithril: Incidentally, precious stone fairies have the power to create sharp things. Mithril: Since I was born from a water drop, I can control water. Mithirl: That's my power. Anne: Control water? Anne: That's incredible! Will you show me? Mithril: Sure! Mithril: There! Anne: That's cold! Anne: You're amazing, Mithril! Anne: What can you do, using that? Mithril: What? I just showed you. Anne: What? That's all? Mithril: What do you mean, "That's all"?! "That's all"?! Mithril: Are you criticizing the power of the wonder that is me? Challe: It would be useful in giving water to little birds. Mithril: N-No one asked you! And what kind of comment is that? Mithril: Are you making fun of me? Challe: This is bad. Mithril: What? Mithril: What's bad? Mithril: Hey, Challe fen Challe, that's... Anne: What? What's wrong? Jonas: Anne! Look above! Anne: Is this an att*ck? Challe: Wild crows are cleaners, scavenging the wilds for carrion. Challe: But when there is no carrion for them to eat, Challe: they form large flocks to hunt down prey... Challe: and devour it alive. Challe: The day before yesterday, they barely had a lick of bandit blood. Challe: It must have made them hungry. Anne: Challe, please... Anne: Challe, I'm giving you an order. Anne: Protect us from the wild crows! Anne: I hold your wing. Anne: You know what that means, don't you? Challe: Stop the cart. Challe: Hide in the cargo hold. Jonas: Anne! Anne: Jonas, you should hide in your cargo hold, too! Quickly! Mithril: I see! So this is what returning a favor is! Mithril: I will chase them off and— Anne: You too! Anne: Help me, Challe! Mithril: Don't be afraid, Anne. It's all right. Mithril: Challe fen Challe is obsidian! Mithril: He isn't like us. Mithril: He won't get hurt... Mithril: and he won't break. Anne: Is it over? Anne: Challe... Challe: Did your legs give out on you? Anne: N-No, they didn't! Challe: What's wrong, Scarecrow? Challe: Are you requesting a more special sort of service? Anne: I-I would never! Anne: A-At any rate, thank you. For saving me. Anne: This isn't good. It's just one thing after another. Jonas: What's wrong, Anne? Anne: We won't reach the fortshelter before sunset. Anne: The wild crow's att*ck has made a mess of our schedule. Anne: Oh, wait! Anne: There's a doctor's inn! Jonas: What is a doctor's inn? Anne: Just as the name states, it's an inn where doctors allow travelers to stay. Anne: And bandits rarely att*ck doctors. Anne: For travelers, they're the next safest place to fortshelters. Challe: Will such an old map really prove to be accurate? Anne: There are no mistakes in a map that Mama drew! Anne: In any case, that is where we'll stay today. Anne: We have to hurry! Anne: Please let us make it in time. Anne: Is it impossible? Anne: Mama would have been able to do this properly. Challe: Where is this mother of yours? Anne: Mama died. Did I not mention it? Anne: Two weeks ago. Anne: I made up my mind to become a silver sugar master, like she was. Anne: At the end of autumn, there's an event held in Lewiston, Anne: the Sugar Confectionary Exhibition. I'll submit a piece... Anne: and have the king acknowledge my skills. Anne: I want to become a silver sugar master this year. Anne: Do you know why? Anne: In the winter, we celebrate Pull Soul Day. Anne: We send off those who died that year as they're pulled to the heavens. Anne: As a silver sugar master, I will make a splendid sugar confection with my own hands, Anne: and send Mama's spirit to the heavens. Anne: That way, Mama will feel reassured and be able to go to the heavens, won't she? Anne: It's a good idea, don't you think? Challe: And that's why, is it? Anne: Oh! A light! Anne: Wait! Please wait! doctor: Wild crows? That's quite the calamity. doctor: The important thing is that you're safe. doctor: This room is for you and yours. Your travel companions are next door. doctor: Leave your things and, once you've rested a bit, come to the dining hall. doctor: We should be able to serve you something like a simple soup. Anne: A bed. It's been a while. Jonas: Anne. Jonas: You're hungry, aren't you? Let's go and accept their offer of food. Anne: Jonas... I'll rest a little more first. Jonas: There's no need to pretend you're all right. Jonas: You're starving, aren't you? Come on. text: The Bloody Highway text: The Sugar Apple is the Tree of Betrayal

{"type": "series", "show": "Sugar Apple Fairy Tale", "episode": "01x02 - Buradi kaid\u00f4"}

foreverdreaming

Anne: You have other guests? doctor: Yes. They arrived just the two before you. doctor: Now, please have a seat. Anne: Thank you. Anne: What's wrong, you three? Anne: Aren't you going to come and sit down? Jonas: What? Anne! Anne: Huh? What? Jonas: For fairies to eat in front of people is completely absurd! Anne: Why? We usually eat together, don't we? doctor: What? Jonas: No, but this is in front of other people! Anne: During our travels, we have all been eating together. Anne: Would it be possible to do the same here? doctor: Well... doctor: I am not the type to mind... doctor: But, you know, there are other guests here. Hugh: It doesn't bother us! Pay me no mind. Hugh: Hey there, young miss. What's your name? Anne: It's Anne. Anne Halford. Hugh: I'm Hugh. There's no need to stand on formalities, Anne. Hugh: Do as you like. Hugh: I see. Hugh: So, you're on this road because you're heading for Lewiston. Jonas: The Sugar Confectionary Exhibition is being held in Lewiston, and we're planning to enter! Hugh: Really? So, you're both sugar artisans? Hugh: If that's the case... Hugh: having two labor fairies and one companion fairy is a little... Hugh: extravagant, I'd say. Anne: Challe isn't a companion fairy, he's a warrior fairy! Anne: He's my guard! Hugh: Warrior fairy? You're such a liar. Anne: I'm not lying! Hugh: Now, now. There's no need to feel embarrassed. Hugh: A fairy who looks like that... Of course you'd want to bring him with you. Hugh: Anne, did you fall for that fairy? Is that why you bought him? Anne: It isn't like that! Hugh: Then, shall we put it to the test? Anne: Challe! Salim: Not bad. Challe: Do you want to be k*lled? Salim: Unfortunately, I'm not quite that broken. Hugh: That's enough, Salim. Withdraw your sword. Anne: What do you think you're doing, you absolute idiot! Anne: If you harm my companions, you will not get away with it! Hugh: Sorry about that. Hugh: I just can't believe that such a pretty, high-quality warrior fairy exists. Anne: Is that any reason to do something like this? Hugh: I said I'm sorry, didn't I? Hugh: Let's see... Hugh: As an apology, I'll pay for your stay here. Anne: Don't try to brush past this like— Anne: Pay... for our stay? Hugh: Yes. For all five of you. Hugh: Though, I feel like I'll be taking a loss if I do that. Hugh: I know! How about you two make some sugar confections for me? Anne: What? Hugh: Ones the size of a fist will do. Hugh: That'll take care of the cost of your stay here. Hugh: Not a bad deal, right? Anne: All right. Anne: In exchange, you make sure you pay for our stay. Anne: Jonas, will you pull out two bowls for me? Jonas: Oh, of course. Anne: Thanks. Jonas: Is it all right to use that silver sugar? Jonas: You still have to make your piece for the exhibition, don't you? Anne: Yes, but I have more than enough. Anne: I can't use what's in those three barrels, though. Jonas: So, that's what you'll be submitting to the exhibition. Jonas: Well, they do also assess entrants' sugar-refining skills, don't they? Jonas: I'm starting to feel excited. Jonas: Getting to unveil my skills in front of people makes me feel so proud! Anne: Does it? Anne: There. Jonas: Actually, just between us, Jonas: I might be recommended to become the head of the school I belong to! Anne: The master of the Radcliffe Workshop school? Jonas: Yes. Jonas: Of course, to become the master, Jonas: I have to be awarded a royal medal and become a silver sugar master. Jonas: Um... Anne: Then, why don't you enter the exhibition this time, too, Jonas? Jonas: No, this time I'll just watch. Jonas: But, for the sake of my future, I have to become one! Jonas: If I don't, then I can't become the master or the Silver Sugar Viscount! Anne: The Silver Sugar Viscount? Anne: You mean the silver sugar master who works exclusively for the royal family? Anne: Jonas, you want to become someone like that? Jonas: Of course I do! Jonas: Or rather, I will definitely become that! Jonas: I mean, for a commoner like me to be able to become a noble... Jonas: There isn't any dream more wonderful than that, is there? Jonas: Which is why, Anne... Jonas: won't please you marry me? Jonas: I'll become the Silver Sugar Viscount, Jonas: and make your life a happy— Anne: Jonas. Anne: I'm sorry. Anne: Let's not talk about that anymore. Hugh: I've readied all the equipment for you. Hugh: There's no need to color the sugar confections. Hugh: And I'll leave the form to the two of you. Anne: Who are you, exactly? Anne: Could it be that you're a sugar artisan, too? Hugh: If you want me to pay for your stay here, then just keep quiet and make something, Anne. Anne: What should I make? Anne: If it were Mama, Anne: she'd make the most of the silver sugar's natural color. Hugh: Both of you are quite proficient. Hugh: Neither of you seem like novices. Hugh: However... Jonas: What have you done?! Hugh: They were unsightly, so I destroyed them. Hugh: Jonas. Hugh: You're skilled, but that's all. Hugh: All you want to do is show off your technique, Hugh: so you haven't added any of your own ingenuity of all. Hugh: Anne, you did better than Jonas. Hugh: But what was this? Hugh: It's as though you created this in imitation of something someone else had made. Hugh: You're simply aping their style. Hugh: It was pretty, but that's all. It had no charm to it. Hugh: With work like this, Hugh: your dreams of becoming a silver sugar master are no more than dreams. Hugh: But I will accept these sugar confection fragments. Hugh: I'll have them as a snack. Hugh: Bye, then, Anne. Jonas. Hugh: That was a nice way to k*ll time. It was fun! Cathy: What was that man trying to accomplish with that? Cathy: Master Jonas! There is no need to let it bother you! Mithril: That's right, Anne! A man like that is— Mithril: Hey, Anne! Mithril: Hold on, Anne! Mithril: Anne, come on! Challe: A bagworm again? Anne: What is so funny? Anne: Is it really so amusing to see someone depressed?! Anne: What? Why would you look at someone's face and laugh? Anne: Well, a scarecrow like me will only be an embarrassment no matter what I do anyway! Challe: Humans never spend their whole lives being laughed at. Challe: For, unlike us, they are always changing. Challe: You will, in another three years... Challe: have become startlingly beautiful. Challe: The color of your hair will turn a pale, beautiful gold... Challe: and your skill at making sugar confections will change, too. Anne: I will hone my skills in making sugar confections even more. Anne: I'll show him how much I can improve! Anne: But there are some things that can't be changed with hard work. Anne: I don't need transparent lies to comfort me. Challe: They aren't lies. Challe: I know. Challe: When I was born, the first thing I saw was a human child... Challe: One with hair the same color as yours... Challe: A five-year-old girl. Challe: I was born because of that child's gaze. Challe: That girl was Liz... Challe: Her name was Elizabeth. Challe: Liz was the daughter of nobles... Challe: and because of certain circumstances, she lived away from society. Challe: She was young, knew nothing of the world, Challe: and didn't know of the existence of fairies. Challe: That's why she mistook me for her own older brother. Challe: She led me back to her mansion and gave me shelter. Challe: Fifteen years passed. Challe: Liz's hair turned a pale gold... Challe: her freckles disappeared... Challe: and she became a beautiful young woman. Challe: That's why I know. Challe: You will continue to change, just as Liz did. Anne: What happened? What happened to Liz? Anne: Did she stay with you always? Why isn't she here now? Challe: She died. Challe: She was k*lled. Challe: Humans k*lled her. Anne: I'm sorry. Challe: Go to sleep, Scarecrow. Jonas: That Hugh person paid for our stay just as he promised he would. Jonas: Hey, Anne! Jonas: Are you listening? Anne: Challe said he wouldn't be friends with a human. Anne: But in the beginning, he had an emotional bond with a human girl. Anne: He spent the same amount of time with her that I had with Mama. Anne: For Challe, Liz might have been like family. Anne: And that was stolen from him by human hands. Anne: Humans caused Challe's heart to freeze over. Anne: It's cold tonight, isn't it? Challe: We do not feel the cold as humans do. Anne: I wish there was magic that could melt Challe's heart. Anne: The promise I made to Challe... Anne: the sugar confection I promised him... I'll make it now. Anne: A sweet sugar confection... Anne: I hope it can bring even a little warmth to Challe's heart. Anne: Wh-Why... Anne: The silver sugar... is gone? Anne: It can't be. Why is it gone? Challe: What's happened? Anne: The silver sugar is gone. Challe: Gone? Anne: I have three barrels left. Anne: But I don't have any silver sugar to use in making my entry piece. Jonas: Anne? Has something happened? Jonas: Anne! Challe: Apparently, the silver sugar she needs to make her piece has disappeared. Jonas: What? But the silver sugar was in the cargo hold, wasn't it? Jonas: And it was locked! Jonas: No one could get in or out, could they? Cathy: No, it was possible to gain entry. Jonas: What do you mean by that, Cathy? Cathy: I saw it. That night when we stayed at the doctor's inn. Cathy: Mithril Lid Pod came out of the window of Mistress Anne's cargo hold! Cathy: In the moonlight, his whole body sparkled. Cathy: That was him all covered in silver sugar! Anne: Mithril? Mithril: What's all this? Mithril: You sure are being loud. Jonas: Mithril. Come down here. Mithril: Hey! I don't serve you! Mithril: And don't shorten my name! Mithril: I am— Jonas: Come down here! Mithril: Wh-What is it? Jonas: Anne's silver sugar has disappeared. Jonas: Mithril, you stole it, didn't you? Mithril: What? Jonas: Cathy saw you. Mithril: Saw me? Sh-She's lying! Mithril: Hey, Anne. I wasn't the one who stole it. Mithril: Cathy's the liar here! Jonas: What would Cathy gain by lying? Mithril: Blasted human, be quiet! Mithril: Anne, you aren't suspicious of me, too, are you? Mithril: It wasn't me. I swear to you, it wasn't me! Anne: I... Mithril: Anne... Mithril: You do suspect me. Mithril: You don't believe me, do you, Anne? Anne: I want to believe you. Mithril: But you don't, do you?! Mithril: Fine, then. If you're going to look at me like that, then... Mithril: I'll just disappear from your sight, Anne! Anne: Mithril! Anne: Wait! Anne: I can't participate in this year's exhibition like this. Jonas: I know, Anne! Jonas: If you only need enough for one piece, Jonas: then all you need to do is make that much silver sugar! Anne: That's unrealistic. I don't have the sugar apples needed to make it. Jonas: Don't worry! Anne: What? Jonas: There are sugar apples! Jonas: I heard about it at a gathering of the Radcliffe Workshop school. Jonas: They say that there's a grove of sugar apple trees on the Bloody Highway! Jonas: It takes three days to refine silver sugar. Jonas: But if you use the silver sugar you already have for your piece, Jonas: you'll be able to make it in time! Anne: Sugar apples! Anne: There are five days left until the exhibition. Anne: Lewiston isn't far from the next fortshelter. Anne: With these... Jonas: It will be all right, Anne. Jonas: I'm a bit of a sugar artisan, too. I'll help you. Anne: Thank you, Jonas! Let's get started! Anne: Here. Anne: Where is Mithril? Challe: Disappeared. Anne: Where has he gone? Challe: Was it really him? Was it really Mithril who stole it? Anne: I don't know. Anne: The truth is, I don't care who stole the silver sugar. Anne: In any case, I will make sure my work is finished in time. Anne: I told you, didn't I? Anne: I absolutely must enter this year's exhibition. Anne: I'll go back to work. Anne: The piece I am submitting for the exhibition... Anne: will be a sugar confection for a celebration... Anne: large, bright, and beautiful. Anne: Mama... Emma: This is the wealth Mama has made. Emma: It can't be given to anyone, Emma: and it mustn't be imitated. Flashback Hugh: It's as though you created this in imitation of something someone else had made. Flashback Hugh: You're simply aping their style. Anne: Then, what should I make? And how? Anne: I just don't know. Jonas: If you'd like, please use this barrel to put your silver sugar in! Jonas: It's a first-rate article that guards against humidity. Anne: But I already have two empty barrels. Jonas: Wow! So, you've decided what you're going to make? Jonas: Anne, you really are amazing. I can tell. Jonas: I'm certain that you'll be able to create a wonderful piece! Anne: I hope so, but... Jonas: I expect a lot of you. Anne: What? Anne: Wh-What are you doing? Jonas: I love you. Anne: Don't! Jonas: Why, Anne? Anne: Jonas, I don't love you! Jonas: But I love you! Anne: That's how you feel, Jonas! It isn't how I feel! Jonas: I see. Jonas: I had hoped that you would fall in love with me, but... Anne: I-I'm sorry. I... Jonas: I'm sorry, Anne. Cathy: Mistress Anne, I will give you one piece of advice. Anne: What is this, all of a sudden? Cathy: Master Jonas might propose to you, or say he loves you, Cathy: but don't let it go to your head! Anne: What? Cathy: Master Jonas would never actually fall in love with someone like you! Anne: Cathy... Anne: Could it be that you... Anne: Are you in love with Jonas? Cathy: Th... Cathy: Th-Th-Th... Cathy: That's completely absurd! Anne: I see! So that's what's going on! Anne: It's so lovely when fairies and humans get together, isn't it? Cathy: Y-You are... Cathy: such an idiot! Anne: The person Cathy is in love with is holding her wing. Anne: Compared to that... Anne: Love between a fairy and a human. Anne: I wonder what was between Challe and Liz. Anne: What's this? My chest feels tight. Anne: It's something that has nothing to do with me. Anne: The reason Challe is with me... Anne: is because I hold his wing. Anne: And when we reach Lewiston, that will end too. Anne: It's done! Anne: It should be perfect, and yet... Hugh: You're simply aping their style. Anne: No. The technique is perfect. Anne: It will be all right. Anne: I'm sure it will be all right! Challe: Have you finished? Anne: It's drying now. Anne: I'll grind what's left of the silver sugar using the mortar, Anne: and if we set out tomorrow, Anne: we'll be able to make it to Lewiston the day before the exhibition. Challe: It was strange. Challe: When I first met you at the fairy market, Challe: you smelled of the sweetness of silver sugar. Challe: I couldn't understand why. It was strange. Anne: Do I? I wonder if the scent has seeped into my dress. Challe: Your fingers. Anne: What? Challe: Your fingers carry a sweet scent. Anne: No, they don't. Challe: I can tell. Anne: Really? Anne: I see. Jonas: Anne! Jonas: Anne! You're amazing, Anne! Jonas: You finished your piece! Jonas: I've never seen such a large piece as delicate as that! Jonas: You'll get the royal medal, and no mistake! Anne: Thank you! Anne: This is all possible because you told me about the sugar apples, Jonas! Jonas: I'm the one who should be thanking you! Anne: What are you doing at my wagon, Jonas? Jonas: I thought we should set off. Anne: You're being too hasty. The silver sugar isn't done yet. Anne: And that horse isn't mine... Jonas: It's not a problem! My horse runs faster than yours. Anne: Jonas? Jonas: If you'd fallen in love with me and married me, Jonas: then I wouldn't have had to do something like this. Jonas: It's all your fault. Challe: What are you trying to do? Cathy: This is why I told you not to let it go to your head! Anne: Ow! What? Anne: What is this? Anne: It's disgusting! Anne: Challe, what is all this? Challe: Those two lured them here... Challe: so that they could steal your sugar confection. Anne: That can't be! Jonas: Bye-bye, Anne! Anne: Challe, go after Jonas! Challe: If I leave this spot, you will become food for the wolves! Anne: That doesn't matter! Please, go! Anne: Challe! I'm begging you! Anne: Please bring my sugar confection back! Challe: I refuse! Anne: Please! Challe! Anne: Please bring my sugar confection back! text: The Sugar Apple Is the Tree of Betrayal text: The Fate of the Royal Medal

{"type": "series", "show": "Sugar Apple Fairy Tale", "episode": "01x03 - Sat\u00f4 ringo wa uragiri no ki"}

foreverdreaming

Anne: Why didn't you go after him? Challe: If I'd gone after Jonas, you would have been k*lled by wolves. Anne: I know that! Anne: Even so, I didn't want to let him have that sugar confection. Anne: But you... Anne: You protected me so your wing wouldn't be damaged! Anne: That's all it was, wasn't it? Anne: I know! I'm not capable of using you! Anne: I know that! I know! Anne: I know... I don't know how far I can go, but… It's all right Even alone, I'll be fine, but… You know, the truth is that no one is alone Things like happiness, loneliness, and even anxiety… We are born to savor all those things A single spoonful of sparkles Transforms everything into smiles That could be what I secretly wished for… That miracle We're each searching for our most precious treasures That's what our journey is for I don't know how far I can go, but... Each moment that passes before me shall be spun from hope Anne: Why... Challe: He likely intended to enter it into the exhibition. Challe: First, he stole your mother's designs. Challe: But he was unable to make them work. Challe: That's why he contrived to steal your work and head to Lewiston. Anne: This is... mine. It's what I lost. Challe: It was likely Cathy who stole it. Challe: She has the ability to turn invisible. Challe: Then, Jonas estimated the amount of silver sugar you used to make your piece, Challe: loaded it into your cart in advance, Challe: and stole your wagon with your finished piece inside. Anne: How can you know all that? Challe: That's how humans are. Anne: I'm returning this. Anne: The exhibition is the day after tomorrow. Anne: Jonas will have already reached Lewiston. Anne: It's too late now. Challe: And you are satisfied with that? Anne: Of course I'm not. Anne: Of course I'm not, but there's nothing I can do! Anne: Even with you here, I can't do anything about it! Anne: So, I'll set you free. Anne: Go somewhere else! Anne: And now... Anne: I'm all alone again. Anne: I'm sorry, Mama. Anne: Becoming a silver sugar master... Anne: and sending your spirit to the heavens on Pull Soul Day was my dream. Anne: And now it won't come true. Anne: Mama. Mama! Anne: Why did you die? Anne: Why did you leave me all alone? Anne: Why, Mama?! Anne: How beautiful... Lusul: You're a human, aren't you? Lusul: You're the one who allowed me to be born, aren't you? Anne: What? Challe: Fairies are born when another's gaze... Challe: causes the energy within an object to condense and take form. Anne: Challe. Lusul: And you're like me, aren't you? Lusul: I'm Lusul El Min! Challe: Lusul El Min, go where you like. Challe: Do not approach humans. Challe: They capture us, steal our freedom, and make us serve them. Lusul: Really? But what about this young lady? Lusul: She's a human, isn't she? Challe: She's special. Challe: Now, go. Live as you like in a place where humans cannot reach you. Lusul: How kind you are! Lusul: Thank you! Challe: What does that expression mean? Anne: Well... Why are you here? Anne: I returned your wing, didn't I? Challe: You haven't kept your promise to me. Challe: I came to have you keep it. Anne: Promise? Challe: You promised to give me a sugar confection. Anne: A sugar confection... Challe: What's wrong? Will you make it or not? Anne: I will. Anne: I did promise, after all! Anne: I'll make something incredibly beautiful! Challe: Wait. Challe: Do not make sugar confections in that state. Challe: Wear this. Anne: What? Challe: It was in the cargo hold. Challe: No one will mind if you use it, will they? Anne: I will make a sugar confection. Anne: For Challe. Anne: Even if I can't make it to the exhibition... Anne: Even if he leaves again once I give it to him... Anne: Right now, this is simply... Anne: for Challe, who came back to me. Anne: I will make something that I feel is beautiful! Anne: Challe. Anne: This is it... Anne: It's very small, but this is my... Anne: Given who I am right now, this is my truest sugar confection. Challe: Beautiful. Anne: Thank you. Anne: Will you accept it? Anne: Will you allow me to touch your wing? Challe: Touch it. Anne: Are you sure? Anne: It feels so warm. Challe: Are you satisfied? Anne: Yes. Challe: This sugar confection belongs to me, doesn't it? Anne: Yes... Challe: Then I will do as I please with it. Anne: Challe? Challe: Get on. Challe: We're leaving. Anne: Huh? Where are we going? Challe: Lewiston. Anne: What? What?! Challe: If we travel through the night, we will arrive in the morning. Challe: You want to become a silver sugar master this year, don't you? Anne: What? Anne: But the sugar confection I was going to enter is... Challe: You have this. Challe: If this is your truest work, then enter it. Challe: If it isn't good enough, then you can accept your defeat. Anne: Why are you doing this for me? Challe: You returned my wing to me. Challe: You are no longer my master. Challe: If that's true, then we can become friends. Challe: If that's what you wish. Anne: Challe, is that something you want? Challe: I don't know. Anne: Night is coming. Anne: Will we be able to escape the Bloody Highway safely? Challe: Who do you think I am? spectator A: I wonder which school will get the Royal Medal this year. spectator B: It'll be the Mercury school. spectator C: What about the Paige school? spectator D: They're on the decline. spectator D: I'm guessing it'll be the Radcliffe school. Earl of Downing: His Majesty, King Edmond II approaches! crowd: Wow! Hooray! It's him! spectator E: What's that? spectator F: Watch out! guards: Look out! guards: Out of the way! Earl of Downing: What is this commotion? Anne: Stop here, Challe! Challe: Whoa! Anne: It appears that the results of Anne: the Sugar Confectionary Exhibition haven't yet been declared! Jonas: Anne! Anne: I will also enter! Anne: Sugar Artisan Anne Halford! guard A: You there! Anne: No associated school! guard B: You are brazen! Anne: Please let me through! I... Hugh: Hey there! Well, well. Hugh: I thought you weren't coming, but that was quite the entrance... Hugh: Anne. Anne: Hugh? Earl of Downing: You know this girl, Mercury? Hugh: Yes. She is, indeed, a sugar artisan. Anne: Mercury? Hugh Mercury? Hugh: I have ascertained her skills with my own eyes. Anne: The head of the Mercury Workshop school, and the current Silver Sugar Viscount?! Earl of Downing: Very well. Earl of Downing: If the Silver Sugar Viscount acknowledges her skills, Earl of Downing: then I will authorize her entry. Anne: Thank you. Jonas: Hey, Anne. Jonas: My clothes suit you quite well. Jonas: That aside... To think you'd enter with a piece the size of a child's snack. Jonas: I'm impressed by your nerve. Anne: You impress me as well, Jonas. Anne: Entering with someone else's work. There should be limits to shamelessness. Jonas: I don't know what you're talking about. Earl of Downing: We now begin the Sugar Confectionary Exhibition! Earl of Downing: The greatest sugar artisan in the land... Earl of Downing: shall be granted the title of Silver Sugar Master! Hugh: Everyone, His Majesty the King will now examine the sugar confections! Earl of Downing: Jonas Anders... Earl of Downing: and Anne Halford. Earl of Downing: Bring your sugar confections and approach His Majesty. King: Yes, it's quite strange. King: Mercury. King: What do you think? King: To my eyes, they appear similarly beautiful. Hugh: Indeed. Hugh: They seem as though they might have been made by the same artisan, Hugh: given how alike they are. Hugh: Which do you prefer, sire? King: I like this one. King: It seems as though it might shatter this instant. King: It's ephemeral, and yet so full of life. King: I have never seen such a beautiful sugar sculpture. Queen: That sugar confection truly is magnificent. Queen: But, Your Majesty, Queen: the sugar confection which will be the centerpiece of the festival Queen: must be made large and spectacular. Queen: Even if she possesses the skills to make this small confection, Queen: we don't know what will happen when it comes to a large piece. King: Yes, that is true. King: I have decided. I will make my declaration. King: I award the Royal Medal to the sugar confection brought by Jonas Anders. Earl of Downing: Anne Halford, stand aside. Earl of Downing: Jonas Anders, come here. Earl of Downing: His Majesty will examine the three barrels of silver sugar you refined, Earl of Downing: so that you may present them to him along with the sugar confection. Jonas: Wh-What is this? Earl of Downing: What is the meaning of this, Anders? Earl of Downing: An entire barrel of silver sugar is completely missing! Jonas: Th-That can't be! Mithril: Oh, please forgive me, Your Majesty! Mithril: I am but a lowly labor fairy in service to Master Jonas Anders! Mithril: My master is so utterly crappy at making silver sugar Mithril: that he couldn't make the required amount! Mithril: So, he had me, with my ability to use magic which tricks the eyes, Mithril: creep into the barrel to make it appear full! Anne: Why is Mithril here? Mithril: But the idea of tricking Your Majesty was just too, too much! Anne: It can't be. Did he eat Jonas' silver sugar? Mithril: Please, forgive me, Your Majesty! Jonas: This is a conspiracy! Jonas: Come here! Jonas: That fairy is in service to this Anne Halford, who stands before you. Jonas: She wanted to become a silver sugar master, Anne: so she had that fairy sneak into the barrel! Mithril: Hey! Let Anne go, you scoundrel! Jonas: See? He's confessed! Jonas: They're working together! Anne: It's true that I know this fairy. Anne: But I don't know why he's done this. Mithril: Does the why even matter? Mithril: Anne, just tell them the truth! Mithril: Tell them what he did to you! Anne: Let go! Anne: The piece that Jonas Anders entered and declared as his own... Anne: is a piece that I made! Anne: He stole it from me. Anne: This fairy knew that and so... Jonas: I stole it? That's a lie! Mithril: Let go of Anne! Jonas: Move, you little... Anne: Are you going to keep lying? Jonas: Silence! You're the liar here! Anne: Let go! Let go of me! Jonas: Stay still, you little... Hugh: Well, shall we have them prove it, Your Majesty? Anne: Let go! King: Is there a way to discern which of them created these works? King: If there is, we should use it. Hugh: Yes, sire. Hugh: Well then... Hugh: I'll have you do the same thing you did that night at the Doctor's Inn. Hugh: But this time, there will be a motif. Hugh: This work that His Majesty selected... Hugh: has butterflies on it, doesn't it? Hugh: Make ones identical to these here, before His Majesty. Hugh: Then we will be able to tell from whose hands these came. Hugh: Understand? Anne: All right. I'll do it. Hugh: Jonas? Jonas: I-I... Hugh: Begin! Anne: I can feel it. Anne: Challe has stayed to watch me. Anne: I will make a butterfly. Anne: One that will make Challe happy. An incredibly beautiful butterfly. Anne: I want the wings to be more lustrous. Anne: Yes, like Challe's wings... so beautiful... Hugh: That's enough! Hugh: Anders' butterfly isn't even worth speaking about. Jonas: I-If I don't work alone in a quiet place, I can't make anything very well. Jonas: If I could work alone, in a quiet place, with enough time... Hugh: You're a disgrace, Jonas! Hugh: Halford's butterfly does resemble those of the work that His Majesty chose. Hugh: But they are different. King: What do you mean, Mercury? King: It seems obvious to me which artisan created the work I selected. Hugh: Between Halford's butterfly and the butterflies on the work Your Majesty chose... Hugh: Which do you prefer, sire? King: Halford's butterfly, of course. King: Compared to the piece I chose, it is even more... King: I see. They are not the same. That's what you meant. Hugh: That is why I cannot declare with certainty which of them made it. King: Yes. It seems that the artisan who made the piece I chose... King: is nowhere to be seen. King: Downing! Earl of Downing: Yes, sire. King: There will be no Royal Medal this year. King: That is the end of this. spectator C: What does this mean? spectator D: No Royal Medal? spectator E: Will they pick someone else? spectator E: Does this mean no one's going to become a silver sugar master? Hugh: That was a shame. Anne: My lord Silver Sugar Viscount. Hugh: Hey, now. No need to be so formal. Hugh is good enough for me. Anne: Hugh, why... Anne: You must have known that piece was mine. Hugh: No, it wasn't. The king said so himself, didn't he? Anne: But... Hugh: Improving your skills worked against you. Hugh: This butterfly that you made just now... Hugh: That wasn't you aping someone else. Hugh: This is clearly your own original work. Anne: Mama, did you hear that? Anne: Did you see that? Earl of Downing: Anne Halford. Earl of Downing: Her Majesty has given me a message for you. Anne: Yes, my lord! Earl of Downing: Next year, she hopes you will bring a sugar confection worthy of the festival. Earl of Downing: She is greatly looking forward to it. Anne: Yes... Yes, Your Majesty! Anne: I promise, I will come back! Earl of Downing: Mercury, I will leave Anders' punishment to you. Hugh: What will you do? He made you lose, Anne. Anne: Stand up, Jonas. Anne: Stand up! Anne: I feel so much better! Anne: I've been wanting to give him one good h*t! Hugh: I like it! A very appropriate measure. Hugh: All right! Then, we're done here! Anne: I'm sorry. Anne: Oh, I'm so sorry! Anne: Pardon me! Anne: Challe, thank you. Anne: I couldn't become this year's silver sugar master. Anne: I didn't make it in time to send Mama to the heavens. Anne: But Mama will have to be content with the best sugar confection I can make right now. Anne: And next year, no matter what... Anne: I will come here again. Anne: Here. Anne: As I promised, this sugar confection belongs to you, Challe. Anne: I'm returning it to you. Challe: It looks unpalatable. Anne: What?! Challe: I want something made by a silver sugar master, Challe: a particularly delicious sugar confection. Anne: W-What's that supposed to mean? Anne: You're saying this isn't good enough? Anne: I told you. I wasn't able to become a silver sugar master. Anne: But next year, I'm sure... Challe: Then I'll have it next year on this day. Challe: I have no need of one until then. Challe: Until you become a silver sugar master, I will wait with you. Anne: What? With me? Challe: Anne. Anne: That's the first time... Anne: That's the first time Challe... Anne: called me by name. Mithril: Hey, did you see that? My once-in-a-lifetime, brilliant acting! Anne: Mithril! Anne: I'm sorry, Mithril, for thinking, even for a second, that you ate my silver sugar. Mithril: Well, that's just how humans are. Didn't surprise me. Mithril: And don't shorten my name! I'm Mithril Lid Pod! Anne: But, Mithril Lid Pod, how did you know that Jonas stole my sugar confection? Anne: Were you secretly following us? Mithril: Huh? I was in your cart the whole time. Anne: What? Mithril: You suspected me. I went to bed in a huff. Mithril: When I woke up, the cart belonged to Jonas. Anne: S-So that's what happened. Anne: Just how long were you asleep, anyway? Mithril: Did you forget? Mithril: To repay that favor, I'm gonna follow you through sheer stubbornness if I have to. Mithril: I'll follow you to the depths of the underworld! Challe: Have you heard the phrase "a helpful nuisance," Mithril Lid Pod? Mithril: I haven't. Sorry. Mithril: And why are you still with Anne? Challe: There's something Scarecrow is going to give me. Anne: I-I'm Scarecrow again? You called me by name earlier. Challe: What's wrong, Scarecrow? Hurry up and get in. Anne: Oh, very well! Anne: I'll let it pass this time, whether you call me a scarecrow or a crow! Anne: Out of the way! Challe: You're driving? Anne: That's right! Anne: That's the sort of mood I'm in! text: The Fate ofthe Royal Medal text: Anne and the Cat's Sugar Confectionery

{"type": "series", "show": "Sugar Apple Fairy Tale", "episode": "01x04 - \u00d4ke kunsh\u00f4 no yukue"}

foreverdreaming

Anne: That's Lewiston for you! Anne: Since there are so many silver sugar masters here, every shop is lovely! Anne: And now... Mithril: You're going somewhere else? Challe: Will going to lots of different shops cause your scarecrow brain to improve? Anne: How rude. Anne: Since we've come all the way to Lewiston... Anne: just one more shop! Anne: What? old man: What? Anne: He moved?! old man: That's right. Anne: Oh, but I really wanted to see Alph Hingley's shop. Mithril: Alph Hingley? Anne: He's someone I really admire. Anne: People say that his skill rivals that of the Silver Sugar Viscount. Mithril: Really... Anne: Westol is north of here. I wonder if it will be even colder. Mithril: If you don't like it, then don't go! Anne: I can't do that. Anne: Since I'm just a sugar artisan and not a silver sugar master, Anne: no one here will take any notice of me. Anne: But... in Westol, even I might have a chance. Anne: Oh. Anne: Is this a sugar confectionary, too? Mithril: It doesn't have the look of one. Anne: Right? Anne: Say, can we stop inside? Mithril: What?! Challe: It seems her scarecrow brain is going to improve yet again. I don't know how far I can go, but… It's all right Even alone, I'll be fine, but… You know, the truth is that no one is alone Things like happiness, loneliness, and even anxiety… We are born to savor all those things A single spoonful of sparkles Transforms everything into smiles That could be what I secretly wished for… That miracle We're each searching for our most precious treasures That's what our journey is for I don't know how far I can go, but... Each moment that passes before me shall be spun from hope Anne: This is incredible. Anne: I wonder who made it. Mithril: Hup! Mithril: Hey, you. Wake up! Benjamin: Huh? Who are you? Mithril: I am the great Mithril Lid Pod! Benjamin: Huh? The great Surusuru? Who's that? Mithril: You're very easy-going, aren't you? Anne: Now, now. Mithril, you silly. Anne: Huh? Anne: Huh? Anne: What? Anne: Thief! Mithril: What?! Kat: What's all that noise? Anne: Oh dear... Kat: What have you done... Kat: you pipsqueak! Anne: What? Anne: Wait, you mean me?! Kat: You have the nerve to play dumb? Mithril: Hey, you! Who are you anyway? Benjamin: Oh, Kat... Mithril: You can't just pop out of nowhere like that! Anne: Kat? Mithril: The man who just left did this! Kat: Is that true, Benjamin? Benjamin: Um... Mithril: What? He was here! A man in dark clothing! Challe: What is all the commotion? Challe: An argument? Benjamin: Oh, right. There was. Benjamin: Someone all in black like him. Mithril: What?! Benjamin: So this fairy fellow is the perpetrator? Challe: What are you speaking of? Anne: No, he isn't! Anne: He's our travel companion, and he's only just come into the shop. Kat: You... Kat: Are you that girl who was invited before the king at the exhibition? Anne: Oh, um, yes. Kat: Hmm. Anne: Hmm? Kat: All right. Then, work. Anne: What? Kat: Compensate me through labor. Anne: What?! But it wasn't me! Challe: Then, there is no need to work here. Challe: We're leaving. Kat: I'm not letting her go until she compensates me. Challe: If you persist, I will cut you down. Kat: Sure, go ahead and try. Challe: I will. Anne: Wait, Challe! Anne: Please, don't do anything dangerous! Anne: Very well. I will work here. Anne: So, please let go, the both of you. Challe: What did you say? Kat: All right! Kat: You can't take that back now! Challe: What are you trying to do? Anne: One sugar confection won't take very long. Anne: And besides... Anne: I want to see how this person works! Anne: How did he make a sugar confection like this? Challe: So, you will make amends for something you didn't do? Anne: Yes. It's a good opportunity, and I want to learn! Kat: Right, then! You're going to work hard for me, you little brat! Kat: Don't go breaking your promise now! Kat: Hurry up, kid. Kat: This sugar confection is needed in two days. Anne: I'm Anne, not "kid," Mister Kat. Kat: Kid is good enough. Kat: And you're the one making fun of me. Anne: I'm not making fun of you. Kat: You're calling me "Mister Cat." How is that not making fun of me? Kat: I hate that nickname, and you're using it with a "mister"? It's infuriating. Anne: What? Kat is a nickname? Kat: My parents aren't so irresponsible that they'd name their son "Kat." Kat: Some idiot gave me that name, and now more people know it than my real name. Challe: Hey, Mister Kat. Kat: You have quite the pleasant personality, don't you? Challe: You don't have a single sugar confection on display in your shop. Challe: Have you any intention of running a business? Challe: Does that sugar confection truly have a buyer? Kat: Things are fine as they are. I manage to make enough to eat on my own. Kat: And the buyer for this is using it for a wedding. Anne: I see. How much is it? Kat: Fifty bayn. Anne: Fifty bayn?! Anne: But why? It should fetch a higher price! Kat: I only make things for people I want to make them for. Kat: But... Kat: not all of them can pay a high price. Kat: The person buying this sugar confection is a cobbler's daughter. Kat: Even at fifty bayn, it will be a difficult purchase for her. Challe: The likelihood that a sugar artisan will be an idiot seems quite high. Anne: The silver sugar... Kat: ...is all gone, huh? Kat: Because of a certain someone, I ended up using more than necessary. Anne: The batch I'm refining will be ready by tomorrow morning, but... Kat: Then we have no choice but to wait for it. Anne: Will this be enough? Kat: Yeah, that'll be fine. Kat: Right, then we're done for today. Kat: I'll be counting on you again tomorrow. Anne: The silver sugar... Anne: Will that amount really be enough? Anne: It's so cold. Anne: Oh! Challe: What are you doing? Challe: It's the middle of the night. Anne: Don't startle me like that! Anne: Honestly. Challe: What are you doing? Anne: Did I wake you? Anne: I'm sorry. Challe: You hadn't come back, so I came to see why. Anne: I was thinking of refining another barrel. Anne: Thank you. Challe: Did Kat order you to do this? Anne: No, but I felt like we only have barely enough. Anne: It would be disastrous if we ran out, wouldn't it? Anne: That's why... Challe: Do you always... Challe: think only of sugar confections? Anne: There's no need to poke fun at me. Challe: Are you cold? Anne: Yes. Anne: Challe, you and the others don't feel the cold, is that right? Challe: Yes. I don't understand what it is. Anne: What about warmth? Challe: I feel it a little. Challe: It has a similar feel to touching something fluffy. Anne: Something fluffy? Anne: I wonder what that feels like to you. Anne: Ch-Challe... What are you doing? Challe: Doing this makes you feel warmer, doesn't it? Anne: Yes, but... Anne: Thank you, Challe! Anne: I'm all right now. Challe: Are you? Then... Kat: What happened here? Anne: I prepared it, just in case. Anne: The portion that I set out to dry yesterday can be milled now, Anne: so we can get to work right away. Kat: Hey. Kat: Did you eat breakfast? Anne: No. Kat: Then go eat first. Kat: An artisan's body is their greatest asset. Anne: Y-Yes, sir! Kat: Benjamin, if you would. Benjamin: Will do! Mithril: Hey, you old hag! Benjamin: You can't go that way! Lady Clay: It's fine. Now, let me through. Mithril: Don't go in there! Benjamin: It's a sacred workspace! Kat: What brings you here, Viscountess Clay? Lady Clay: I heard that you are making a sugar confection for a cobbler's daughter. Lady Clay: I will pay you a hundred cress. Lady Clay: So, just let me have— Kat: I've told you that no matter how often you ask, I won't sell anything to you. Lady Clay: What? Lady Clay: You've made things for my servants. Lady Clay: Why not for my daughter? Kat: Try thinking back on how you and your daughter treat those servants. Kat: Even if his majesty the king came and bowed his head to me, Kat: I won't make anything for you. Lady Clay: I can pay as much as you like. Kat: Go away! Lady Clay: The nerve of a mere artisan... Lady Clay: My, what a beautiful fairy! Lady Clay: Kat, is this your fairy? Lady Clay: I'll pay three hundred cress! Give it to me! Anne: He doesn't belong to anyone! Lady Clay: And who is this girl? Challe: You're an offense to the eyes, you old vixen. Lady Clay: Old vixen?! Anne: Please leave! Lady Clay: Well, I never! Mithril; Benjamin: Hooray! Kat: Crap. Forcing her way all the way into the workshop... Kat: We need to purify this place! Purify it! Anne: Is that... Anne: Say, Mithril Lid Pod! Mithril: Huh? Mithril: That scar... Mithril: He's the one who smashed the sugar confection! Benjamin: Wow. So, he really does exist. Challe: They don't seem to know when to give up. Anne: I don't ever want to let those two... Anne: touch Kat's sugar confections again. Kat: Somehow, we managed to make it in time. Anne: It truly is beautiful. Anne: I think whoever has this will receive the greatest of good luck. I just know it! Kat: That would be nice. Kat: The wedding ceremony is tomorrow. Deliver it in the morning. Anne: What? Me? Kat: Go and see the expression of the person receiving it. Kat: It's a reward for your hard work, you little brat. Anne: Yes, sir! Kat: I'm counting on you! Anne: Yes, sir! Kat: Hey, Benjamin! Heat up the bath! Benjamin: Will do! Anne: Oh! Anne: That's as far as you'll get! Anne: I knew you would come. Challe: You can't use this route. Kat: Hey. What's all the commotion? Kat: Y-You! Man: Now that it's come to this... Kat: Don't! Mithril: Ow, ow, ow... Kat: Why are you guys... Benjamin: I'm so dizzy... Kat: So... Kat: Where is the sugar confection? Man: Where is it?! Kat: I see! Kat: Since the night after we finished was the best chance for stealing it... Anne: Yes. Anne: I delivered the sugar confection before dinner. Anne: Then I set up the fake and laid in wait. Kat: Who was he? Anne: One of Lady Clay's servants. Anne: The lady probably ordered him to do it. Kat: I see. Kat: So you didn't smash the other one. Kat: I'm sorry. I made you work for nothing. Anne: It's fine! Anne: I learned something incredibly important here. Anne: The cobbler's daughter was so happy. Anne: Working here was the tuition I paid to be able to see that smile! Kat: Now that I think about it, you're heading to Westol after this, aren't you? Anne: Yes. Kat: I'm going to close this place up and move south. Kat: I've gotten sick of Lewiston's winters. Challe: Well, you are a cat. They don't tolerate the cold well. Kat: Do you get some benefit out of saying mean things to me? Challe: It improves my mood. Kat: Your personality is incredibly twisted. Kat: Hey, Benjamin! Benjamin: Yeah? Kat: You can have my winter clothes. Anne: What? I couldn't possibly accept something so extravagant! Kat: Moron. Kat: You're a kid, so just be happy like a kid should be. Anne: It's lovely. Anne: But something so lovely won't suit me at all. Benjamin: Anne, in another five years, you'll be able to wear it with style! Anne: I can't imagine that. Benjamin: It will happen! Benjamin: Anne, you're going to get even cuter from here! Mithril: What's this? You've got a good eye! Benjamin: Oh. Benjamin: We can't give you this. Anne: Oh. Anne: That pouch? Benjamin: Yeah. Benjamin: It's got my wing in it. Anne: What? What do you mean? Benjamin: Kat always puts my wing somewhere and forgets about it. Benjamin: That's why I put it in here. So it wouldn't get lost. Anne: So Kat doesn't keep your wing with him? Benjamin: He forgets. Benjamin: He's indifferent about everything but sugar confections. Mithril: Huh? But then, can't you run away? Benjamin: If I wanted to. Benjamin: But... Benjamin: I've seen lots of humans, Benjamin: but watching Kat is fun, so I like it here. Anne: Say... Anne: You've lived a really long time, haven't you, Benjamin? Benjamin: Well... Benjamin: I counted up to years, but... Anne: Thank you for everything! Kat: Oh, right. Do you know the Silver Sugar Viscount? Anne: What? Kat: If you go to Westol, you may run into him. Anne: What? Anne: Kat, you know Hugh, too? Kat: Yeah. Kat: I trained with that guy at the Mercury Workshop. Kat: After I became a silver sugar master, I got sick of it and left the school, though. Anne: What?! Anne: Kat, you've received the royal medal?! Kat: Huh? Your head really is empty, isn't it? Anne: But, I mean, there's no one named Kat among this town's silver sugar masters. Kat: Honestly. I told you, Kat is a nickname! Kat: And it was that dimwitted reprobate who gave it to me. Kat: My name is Alph Hingley. Anne: What?! Anne: He moved?! old man: That's right. Anne: Oh, but I really wanted to see Alph Hingley's shop. Mithril: Alph Hingley? Anne: He's someone I really admire. Anne: Kat is that Hingley? Mithril: So, when he said you're moving, he meant in the future? Kat: What is it? Anne: I'm just thinking about the fact that someone I admire has been calling me a little brat. Kat: Admire? Kat: If you're an artisan, too, then don't look up to anyone else. Kat: You are one of a kind. And second to absolutely no one. Anne: I feel like Hugh said something similar to me, too. Anne: He said I shouldn't ape anyone else. Anne: Thank you, Kat. Anne: Farewell! Anne: I'll work hard in Westol, too! Anne: Would you like a sugar confection? Anne: I can create to your tastes! Anne: Would you like a sugar confection? Challe: Weren't your chances supposed to be better in Westol? Mithril: Hey! Challe fenn Challe! Mithril: Just because not a single piece has sold, Mithril: doesn't mean you get to talk like Anne's completely misread things! Got it? Anne: It's cold again today, isn't it? text: Anne and the Cat's Sugar Confectionary Is it just like the dreams we dream at night? Do we give names to our other dreams because, Just as our night dreams are forgotten upon waking, If they aren't held dear, they will disappear? No, it's because they aren't things that only special people can see That day I reached out again and again I failed to catch that shining fruit, and yet I'll reach out once more If I make my wishes come true myself I just know it will make you smile That's why I'm able to say I'm not giving up text: The Castle on the Sea

{"type": "series", "show": "Sugar Apple Fairy Tale", "episode": "01x05 - An to neko no sat\u00f4 kashiten"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 28 Sep 2006 SPLASH PAGE: THEN (recap) SPLASH PAGE: NOW EXT. CRASH SITE - NIGHT "Bad Moon Rising" is still playing on the radio as we zoom in on the wrecked Impala. The demon-possessing-a-truck-driver steps out of his truck and walks over. sh*t of John and Dean, both unconscious, then to Sam, who swallows, barely awake. The demon pulls the driver's side door off its hinges to reveal Sam pointing the COLT at him. Sam: Back. Or I'll k*ll you, I swear to god. Demon: You won't. You're saving that b*llet for someone else. Sam: (cocking the g*n) You wanna bet? It smiles; the black demon-ichor pours out of the man, who collapses. Sam uncocks the g*n, drops his head back in relief. Man: Oh my god! Sam: Dad? Man: Did I do this? Sam: Dad! Dean? Dean! BRIGHT FLASH-CUT TO: EXT. CRASH SITE - DAY A rescue helicopter descends to the site, and all three are being loaded onto stretchers. John and Dean are still unconscious, Sam is awake. PARAMEDIC Man Significant passenger side intrusion. Unresponsive. BP is 180 over 60, heartrate 95, 95. Sam: Tell me if they're okay! PARAMEDIC Woman You have to stay still! Sam: Are they even alive? INT. HOSPITAL - DAY In a room, Dean sits up, works his jaw, gets out of bed. He is wearing a white t-shirt, blue hospital pants, and nothing else. He goes into the hallway. Dean: Sam? Dad? Anybody? Dean goes down the stairs to the front of the hospital and finds a nurse's station. Dean: Excuse me. Hi. I, uh, i think I was in a car accident, my dad and my brother, I just need to find them. (the nurse is unresponsive) Hello? (snapping his fingers) He goes back upstairs, panicked, and finds: INT. Dean's ROOM - DAY Spirit!Dean) sees his own body on the bed, intubated and dying. Close on his shocked face. SPLASH PAGE: SUPERNATURAL END Teaser INT. Dean's ROOM - DAY Still reeling from the shock of seeing his unconscious body, Dean turns, relieved, as Sam enters. Sam stops at the door and stares at his brother's body, breathing heavily. Dean: Sammy! You look good. Considering. Sam: Oh, no. Dean: Man, tell me you can hear me. SUBTITLE: "In My Time of Dying" Dean: How's dad? Is he okay? Come on, you're the psychic. Give me some ghost whispering or something! Doctor: (entering) Your father's awake. You can go see him if you like. Dean: Thank god. Sam: Doc, what about my brother? Doctor: Well, he sustained serious injury: blood loss, contusions to his liver and kidney. But it's the head trauma I'm worried about. There's early signs of cerebral edema. Sam: Well, what can we do? Doctor: Well, we won't know his full condition until he wakes up. If he wakes up. Sam: If? Doctor: I have to be honest — Dean: (overlap) Oh, screw you, Doc, I'm waking up. Doctor: (overlap) Most people with this degree of injury wouldn't have survived this long. He's fighting very hard. But you need to have realistic expectations. Dean: Come on, Sam. Go find some hoodoo priest to lay some mojo on me. Sam? INT. John's ROOM - DAY John is lying in a hospital bed, his arm in a sling. Awkwardly one-handed, he pulls something out of his wallet. John: Here. Give them my insurance. Sam takes the card John gives him, smiling as he reads it. Sam: Elroy McGillicutty? John: And his two loving sons. So, what else did the Doctor say about Dean? Sam: Nothing. Look. The Doctors won't do anything, then we'll have to, that's all. I don't know, I'll find some hoodoo priest and lay some mojo on him. John: We'll look for someone. Sam: Yeah. John: But Sam, I don't know if we're gonna find anyone. Sam: Why not? I found that faith healer before. John: Right, that was, that was one in a million. Sam: So what? Do we just sit here with our thumbs up our ass? John: No, I said we'd look. All right? I'll check under every stone. (b*at) Where's the Colt? Sam: Your son is dying, and you're worried about the Colt? John: We're hunting this demon, and maybe it's hunting us too. That g*n may be our only card. Sam: It's in the trunk. They dragged the car to a yard off of I-83. John: All right. You've gotta clean out that trunk before some junk man sees what's inside. Sam: I already called Bobby. He's like an hour out, he's gonna tow the Impala back to his place. John: All right. You, you go meet up with Bobby. you get that Colt, and you bring it back to me. And you watch out for hospital security. Sam: I think I've got it covered. He gets up to leave; John stops him, picking up a sheet of paper. John Hey. Here. I made a list of things I need, have Bobby pick them up for me. Sam: (reading) Acacia? Oil of Abramelin? What's this stuff for? John: Protection. Sam: Hey, Dad? You know, the demon, he said he had plans for me, and children like me. Do you have any idea what he meant by that? John: No, I don't. Sam leaves, shutting the door to reveal Dean, who has been leaning behind it. Dean: Well, you sure know something. EXT. JUNKYARD - DAY Sam looks down at the mangled car. Bobby is there as well. Sam: Oh man, Dean is gonna be pissed. Bobby: Look, Sam. This... this just ain't worth a tow. I say we empty the trunk, sell the rest for scrap. Sam: No. Dean would k*ll me if we did that. When he gets better he's gonna want to fix this. Bobby: There's nothing to fix. The frame's a pretzel, and the engine's ruined. There's barely any parts worth salvaging. Sam: Listen to me, Bobby. If there's only one working part, that's enough. We're not just going to give up on... Bobby: (quietly) Okay. You got it. Sam: Here, uh, Dad asked for you to get this stuff for him. Sam hands over the list. Bobby looks at it, frowning. Bobby: What's John want with this? Sam: Protection from the demon? (Bobby gives him a look) What? Bobby: Nothing, it's just, um, Sam: Bobby? What's going on? INT. Dean's ROOM - DAY John is sitting by Dean's bed; !Dean StanDS NEARBY. Dean: Come on, Dad. You've gotta help me. I've gotta get better, I've gotta get back in there. I mean, you haven't called a soul for help. You haven't even tried. Aren't you going to do anything? Aren't you even going to say anything? (he starts walking around the bed) I've done everything you've ever asked me. Everything. I have given everything I've ever had. And you're just going to sit there and you're going to watch me die? I mean, what the hell kind of father are you? He pauses, hearing something. Dean: What is that? Dean goes into the hallway and a spirit whooshes past him. He jumps back. Dean: (to John) I take it you didn't see that. Dean stalks the spirit down the hallways. He sees it go into a back hallway where a woman is lying on the floor, choking. Woman: Help! Help! Dean: Hey! I need some help in here! Woman: I can't... breathe! She pants loudly, trying desperately to breathe, then goes silent. !Dean, leaning over her, looks on helplessly. END ACT ONE INT. John's ROOM - DAY Sam stalks into the room with a duffel bag; !Dean meets him at the door and starts trying to talk to him. Dean: Sammy! Tell me you can friggin' hear me, man, there's something in the hospital. Now, you've got to bring me back and we've got to hunt this thing. John: You're quiet. Sam turns, fuming, and hurls the bag onto the bed with a crash. Sam: Did you think I wouldn't find out? John: What are you talking about? Sam: That stuff from Bobby, you don't use it to ward off a demon, you use it to summon one. You're planning on bringing the demon here, aren't you? Having some stupid macho showdown?! John: I have a plan, Sam: Sam: That's exactly my point! Dean is dying, and you have a plan! You know what, you care more about k*lling this demon than you do saving your own son! Dean: (overlap) No, no, no, guys, don't do this! John: (overlap) Do not tell me how I feel! I am doing this for Dean. Sam: How? How is revenge going to help him? You're not thinking about anybody but yourself, it's the Same selfish obsession! Dean: (overlap) Come on guys, don't do this! John: (overlap) You know, it's funny, I thought it was your obsession too! This demon k*lled your mother, k*lled your girlfriend. You begged me to be part of this hunt. Now if you'd k*lled that damn thing when you had the chance, none of this would have happened. Sam: It was possessing you, Dad, I would have k*lled you too. John: Yeah, and your brother would be awake right now. Dean: Shut up, both of you! Sam: Go to hell. John: I should have never taken you along in the first place. I knew it was a mistake, I knew I was wrong — Dean: (overlap) I said SHUT UP! Dean smacks a glass of water off the table and it goes flying, crashing to the floor. b*at. Sam and John look at each other, confused, !Dean looks stunned. Dean: Dude, I full-on Swayze'd that mother. Dean crumples in pain, flickering. Nurses and Doctors start running by in the hallway. Dean: What is it? John: Something's going on out there. He jerks his head indicating "Go find out" to Sam. INT. Dean's ROOM - DAY Monitors are beeping, a Doctor and some nurses are surrounding Dean, resuscitating him. Doctor: All clear. Sam: (huddling in the doorway, tears in his eyes) No. Nurse: Still no pulse. Doctor: Okay, let's go again, 360. Nurse: Charging. (continues) sh*t on Sam's face in the doorway, crying and fidgeting; !Dean comes slowly behind him. He sees a ghostly figure floating over the body lying in the bed. Dean: You get the hell away from me. He runs to the bed and faces the thing down, yelling. Dean: I said get back! Sam blinks, looks confused, as if he's heard something. Dean grabs for the spirit; he latches on momentarily before it hurls him back and then soars out of the room. The monitors slow, quiet. Nurse: We have a pulse. We're back into sinus rhythm. Dean runs into the hallway, looking for the spirit; it's vanished. Sam sighs in relief and backs into the hallway, watching from there. Dean comes back, stands by him. Dean: Don't worry, Sammy. I'm not going anywhere. I'm getting that thing before it gets me. It's some kind of spirit, but I could grab it. And if I can grab it, I can k*ll it. Sam looks over to where !Dean was, confused. Dean wanders the halls, then hears a girl yelling. Girl: Can't you see me? Why won't you look at me? Dean: Now what? Girl: Somebody talk to me! Say something, please! Dean: Can you see me? Girl: Yeah. Dean: All right, just, uh, calm down. What's your name? Girl: Tessa. Dean: Okay, good, Tessa, I'm Dean. Tessa: What's happening to me? Am - am I d*ad? Dean: That sort of depends. EXT. Tessa's ROOM Dean and Tessa stand outside a room, watching what is apparently Tessa's body, hooked up to tubes and machines. A woman sits by the bed, holding her hand. Tessa: I don't understand. I just came in for an appendectomy. Dean: Well, I hate to bear bad news, but I think there were some complications. Tessa: It's just a dream, that's all. It's just a very weird, unbelievably vivid dream. Dean: Tessa. It's not a dream. Tessa: Then what else could it be? Dean: You ever heard of an out of body experience? Tessa: What are you, some new agey guy? Dean: You see me messing with crystals or listening to Yanni? It's actually a very old idea. Got a lot of different names: Bilocation, crisis apparition, fetches... I think it's happening to us. And if it is, it means that we're spirits of people close to death. Tessa: So we're going to die? Dean: No. Not if we hold on. Our bodies can get better, we can snap right back in there and wake up. INT. John's ROOM - DAY John: What do you mean, you felt something? Sam: I mean it felt like, like Dean. Like he was there, just out of eyeshot or something. I don't know if it's my psychic thing or what, it... But do you think it's even possible? I mean, do you think his spirit could be around? John: Anything's possible. Sam: Well, there's one way to find out. John: Where are you going? Sam: I gotta pick something up, I'll be back. John: Wait, Sam. I promise I won't hunt this demon. Not until we know Dean's okay. Sam nods, leaves. EXT. HALLWAY - DAY Dean and Tessa are walking down the hallway. Dean: I gotta say, I'm impressed. Tessa: With what? Dean: With you. Most people in your spot would be jello right now, but uh, you're taking this pretty well. Maybe a little better than me. Tessa: Don't get me wrong. I was pretty freaked at first. But now, I don't know. Maybe I'm dealing. Dean: So you're okay with dying? Tessa: No, of course not. I just think, whatever's gonna happen's gonna happen. It's out of my control, it's fate. Dean: Huh. Well, that's crap. You always have a choice. You can either roll over and die or you can keep fighting, no matter what — PA ANNOUNCEMENT Room 237, code blue. Dr. Kripke to room 237, code blue. Tessa: Where are you going? Dean: Just wait here. Dean runs down the hallway to another room in crisis. The Same spirit is hovering over a little girl, who is being resuscitated. It reaches a hand into her face. Dean: Get away from her! He lunges at the spirit, which vanishes. The nurses stop resuscitation. MALE Doctor All right, let's call it. Female Doctor Time of death, five eleven p.m. Nurse: At least she's not suffering anymore. Close on !Dean looking stunned. END ACT TWO INT. Dean's ROOM - NIGHT Close sh*t on Dean's face; Sam enters the room quietly, clutching a brown paper bag in his arms. Sam: Hey. I think maybe you're around. And if you are, don't make fun of me for this, but um, well, there's one way we can talk. He pulls out a box labeled "Mystical Talking Board". !Dean is now behind him., arms folded. Dean: Oh, you've gotta be kidding me. Sam circles around the bed and sits cross legged on the floor. He opens the box and pulls out the board. Sam: Dean? Dean, are you here? Dean: God, I feel like I'm at a slumber party. (he sits opposite Sam in front of the board) All right, Sam. This isn't going to work. Sam has his hands poised on the pointer. !Dean places his fingers on it and slowly, concentrating. slides it to "YES" on the board. Sam gasps. Dean: I'll be damned. Sam: (laughing in relief) It's good to hear from you, man. It hasn't been the Same without you, Dean. Dean: Damn straight. Dean places his fingers on the pointer again and starts sliding it. The camera circles around behind Sam to his POV - he is alone at the board, the pointer sliding under his fingers. Sam: Dean, what? H? U? Hunt? Hunting? What, are you hunting? The pointer slides back to "YES" Sam: It's in the hospital, what you're hunting? Do, do you know what it is? Dean: One question at a time, dude. Sam: What is it? The pointer slides again during the following, to R, E, A, P. Dean: I don't think it's k*lling people. I think it's taking them. You know, when their time's just up. Sam: A reaper. Dean. Is it after you? (The pointer slides to YES.) If it's here naturally, there's no way to stop it. Dean: Yeah, you can't k*ll death. Sam: Man, you're, um, Dean: I'm screwed, Sam. Sam: No. No, no, no, um, there's gotta be a way. (he stands, pacing) There's gotta be a way. Dad'll know what to do. (he leaves) INT. John's ROOM - NIGHT Sam enters and sees that the bed is empty. Sam: (whispered) Dad. INT. BOILER ROOM - NIGHT John pushes the door open and enters, carrying the duffel bag. He walks through a dark and dripping hallway to a clear space, places the bag down. He pulls out a box of white chalk and starts drawing a large symbol on the floor. INT. Dean's ROOM - NIGHT Sam returns carrying the JOURNAL. He sits on the edge of Dean's bed. Sam: Hey. So Dad wasn't in his room. Dean: Where is he? Sam: But I got Dad's journal, so who knows? Maybe there's something here. Sam flips open the journal and leafs through it, glancing up at Dean's unconscious form occasionally.  !Dean comes to stand behind him. Dean: Thanks for not giving up on me, Sammy. Sam turns to a page that says "Reapers", !Dean leans over and reads something. His eyes go wide. Dean: Son of a bitch. He leaves, stalking down the hallway until he sees: INT. EMPTY ROOM - NIGHT Tessa is sitting on the edge of the bed. She's dressed differently. Tessa/Reaper: Hi, Dean. Dean: You know, you read the most interesting things. For example, did you know that reapers can alter human perception? I sure didn't. Basically they can make themselves appear however they want. Like, say, a, a pretty girl. You're much prettier than the last reaper I met. Tessa/Reaper: I was wondering when you would figure it out. Dean: I should have known. That whole "accepting fate" rap of yours is far too laid back for a d*ad chick. But the mother, and the body, I'm still trying to figure that one out. Tessa/Reaper: It's my sandbox, I can make you see whatever I want. Dean: What, is this like a turn-on for you? What, toying with me? Tessa/Reaper: You didn't give me much choice. You saw my true form and you flipped out. Kinda hurts a girl's feelings. This was the only way I could get you to talk to me. Dean: Okay, fine. We're talking. What the hell do you want to talk about? Tessa/Reaper: How death is nothing to fear. (she touches his cheek) It's your time to go, Dean. And you're living on borrowed time already. INT. BOILER ROOM - NIGHT John has finished the chalk symbol, has placed several candles and a black bowl around it. He is incanting in Latin. John: (LATIN) He slides a Kn*fe across his palm, drawing blood and dripping it on the bowl. He lights a match and drops it in; the sand in the bowl flares and goes out. John stands, looking around. A hand grabs his shoulder. Man: What the hell are you doing down here, buddy? John: I can explain. Man: Yeah? You're going to explain to security. Come on. You follow me. John: (pulling the COLT and cocking it) Hey. How stupid do you think I am? Demon: (eyes glowing) You really want an honest answer to that? Two possessed men in lab coats stalk by and take positions behind John. Demon: You conjuring me, John. I'm surprised. I took you for a lot f things. But suicidally reckless wasn't one of them. John: I could always sh**t you. Demon: You could always miss. (laughs) And you've only got one try, don't'cha? Did you really think you could trap me? John: Oh, I don't want to trap you. (lowers the g*n) I want to make a deal. Demon looks intrigued. END ACT THREE INT. Dean's ROOM - NIGHT Sam is standing on the window side of Dean's bed, hands in his pockets. !Dean is not there. Sam: Dean, are you here? (looks around) I couldn't find anything in the book. I don't know how to help you. But I'll keep trying, all right? As long as you keep fighting. I mean, come on you can't, you can't leave me here alone with dad, we'll k*ll each other, you know that. (pause) Dean, you've got to hold on. You can't go, man, not now. We were just starting to be brothers again. Can you hear me? INT. EMPTY ROOM - NIGHT Dean is staring out a dark window. Dean: Look, I'm sure you've heard this before, but... you've gotta make an exception, you've gotta cut me a break. Tessa/Reaper: Stage three: bargaining. Dean: I'm serious. My family's in danger. See, we're kind of in the middle of this, um, w*r, and they need me. Tessa/Reaper: The fight's over. Dean: No, it isn't. Tessa/Reaper: It is for you. Dean. You're not the first soldier I've plucked from the field. They all feel the Same. They can't leave. Victory hangs in the balance. But they're wrong. The battle goes on without them. Dean: My brother. He could die without me. Tessa/Reaper: Maybe he will, maybe he won't. Nothing you can do about it. It's an honorable death. A warrior's death. Dean: I think I'll pass on the seventy two virgins, thanks. I'm not that into prude chicks anyway. Tessa/Reaper: That's funny. You're very cute. Dean: There's no such thing as an honorable death. My corpse is going to rot in the ground and my family is going to die! No. I'm not going with yo, I don't care what you do. Tessa/Reaper: Well, like you said. There's always a choice. I can't make you come with me. But you're not getting back in your body. And that's just facts. So yes, you can stay. You'll stay here for years. Disembodied, scared, and over the decades it'll probably drive you mad. Maybe you'll even get violent. Dean: What are you saying? Tessa/Reaper: Dean. How do you think angry spirits are born? They can't let go and they can't move on. And you're about to become one. The Same thing you hunt. INT. BOILER ROOM - NIGHT The Demon, John, and the two minions are still in a circle around the summoning symbol. Demon: It's very unseemly, making deals with devils. How do I know this isn't just another trick? John: It's no trick. I will give you the Colt and the b*llet, but you've got to help Dean. You've got to bring him back. Demon: Why, John, you're a sentimentalist. If only your boys knew how much their daddy loved them. John: It's a good trade. You care a hell of a lot more about this g*n than you do Dean. Demon: Don't be so sure. He k*lled some people very special to me. But still, you're right, he isn't much of a thr*at. And neither is your other son. (John lowers his head, raises his eyes.) You know the truth, right? About Sammy? And the other children? John: Yeah. I've known for a while. Demon: But Sam doesn't, does he? You've been playing dumb. John: Can you bring Dean back? Yes or no? Demon: No. But I know someone who can. it's not a problem. John: Good. Before I give you the g*n, I'm going to want to make sure that Dean's okay. With my own eyes. Demon: Oh, John, I'm offended. Don't you trust me? (John shakes his head slowly) Fine. John: So we have a deal? Demon: No, John, not yet. You still need to sweeten the pot. John: With what? Demon: There's something else I want, as much as that g*n. Maybe more. INT. EMPTY ROOM - NIGHT Dean is sitting on the bed, Tessa/Reaper behind him. She strokes his hair tenderly. Tessa/Reaper: It's time to put the pain behind you. Dean: And go where? Tessa/Reaper: Sorry. I can't give away the big punchline. Moment of truth. No changing your mind later. So what's it going to be? As he turns to look at her, the lights start flickering, a familiar buzzing starts. Dean: What are you doing that for? Tessa/Reaper: I'm not doing it. The both turn to a vent in the floor and see black demon ichor pour out of it. Dean: What the hell? Tessa/Reaper: You can't do this! Get away! Dean: What's happening?! Tessa/Reaper screams as the demon flows into her mouth. She turns, eyes glowing yellow. Demon-in-Tessa/Reaper: Today's your lucky day, kid. Demon places a hand on Dean's forehead; he convulses. INT. Dean's ROOM - NIGHT Sam is still sitting on the bed as Dean gasps, waking suddenly and choking on the tube in his throat. Sam: Dean? (into the hallway) Help! I need help! END ACT FOUR INT. Dean's ROOM - DAY Doctor: I can't explain it. The edema's vanished. The internal contusions are healed. Your vitals are good. You have some kind of angel watching over you. Dean: Thanks, doc. (The Doctor leaves; Dean turns to Sam) So you said a Reaper was after me? Sam: Yeah. Dean: How'd I ditch it? Sam: You got me. Dean, you really don't remember anything? Dean: No. Except this pit in my stomach. Sam, something's wrong. A knock at the door; John hovers in the doorway. John: How you feeling, dude? Dean: Fine, I guess. I'm alive. John: That's what matters. Sam: (angry) Where were you last night? John: I had some things to take care of. Sam: Well, that's specific. Dean: Come on, Sam. Sam: Did you go after the demon? John: No. Sam: You know, why don't I believe you right now? John: (pleading) Can we not fight? You know, half the time we're fighting, I don't know what we're fighting about. We're just butting heads. Sammy, I, I've made some mistakes. But I've always done the best I could. I just don't want to fight anymore, okay? Sam: Dad, are you all right? John: Yeah. Yeah, I'm just a little tired. Hey, son, would you, uh, would you mind getting me a cup of caffeine? Sam: Yeah. Yeah, sure. Sam leaves, still frowning. John looks after him sadly. Dean: What is it? John: You know, when you were a kid, I'd come home from a hunt, and after what I'd seen, I'd be, I'd be wrecked. And you, you'd come up to me and you, you'd put your hand on my shoulder and you'd look me in the eye and you'd... You'd say "It's okay, Dad" (pauses) Dean, I'm sorry. Dean: What? John: You shouldn't have had to say that to me, I should have been saying that to you. You know, I put, I put too much on your shoulders, I made you grow up too fast. You took care of Sammy, you took care of me. You did that, and you didn't complain, not once. I just want you to know that I am so proud of you. Dean: This really you talking? John: Yeah. Yeah, it's really me. Dean: Why are you saying this stuff? John comes closer, puts a hand on Dean's shoulder. John: I want you to watch out for Sammy, okay> Dean: Yeah, dad, you know I will. You're scaring me. John: Don't be scared, Dean. John leans over and whispers something into Dean's ear. Dean pulls back in shock, processing. John leaves, and Dean stares after him. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY John enters and places the colt on a small bed table. John: Okay. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Sam walks back to the room carrying a cup of coffee. He looks into a room and sees John on the floor. Sam: Dad?! (SILENCE - SLOW MOTION) Dropping the cup, Sam runs to John's side, kneeling over him and screaming for help. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Once again, a crowd of Doctors and nurses attempt resuscitation, this time on John. Dean and Sam hover in the doorway, and a nurse tries to push them out. Dean: No, no, no, it's our dad. It's our dad! (pleading) Come on. Doctor: Okay, stop compressions. Dean: Come on, come on. Nurse: Still no pulse. Doctor: Okay, that's it everybody. (Blackout) Doctor (V.O): I'll call it. Time of death: 10:41 am. END OF EPISODE transcription by gelasius 9/29/2006

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x01 - In My Time of Dying"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 5 Oct 2006 TITLE CARD: THEN RECAP TITLE CARD: NOW EXT. CARNIVAL - DAY SUBTITLE Medford, Wisconsin We pan over a ferris wheel, past a f*re eater and close on two clowns entertaining a young girl. She is clearly enjoying herself. Her parents stand behind. Dad: God, I hate clowns. They always creep me out. Mom: Shh. She likes them. (leaning over) Last ride. The girl looks over to the side and seens a clown. She waves, it waves back a little creepy. She tugs on her mom's sleeve. Girl: Look, Mom, another clown! When the mom looks over the clown has disappeared. Mom: What are you trying to do, scare your father? Dad: Hey. EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT The family is driving home from the carnival. The girl sees the clown again, on the side of the road, waving. Girl: Look, Mom, a clown! The clown disappears again as Mom looks over. Girl: You missed him. INT. HOUSE - NIGHT The girl is asleep in bed and hears something. She gets up and goes to the window, sees the clown standing outside. Smiling, she goes downstairs and waves at him, then opens the door to let him in. He takes her hand and enters. TITLE CARD SUPERNATURAL EXT. WOODS - NIGHT From the fiery title card we flash to a funeral pyre - John's. The only light comes from the wrapped, burning body. Standing behind, hands in their pockets, are Sam and Dean. Sam is near tears and fidgeting, Dean staring into the flames silently. Sam: Before he.. before, did he say anything to you? About anything? Dean: (not looking at Sam) No. Nothing. EXT. JUNKYARD - DAY SUBTITLE One Week Later We pan over a junkyard containing cars in various states of demolition. SUBTITLE "Everybody Loves a Clown" Dean is underneath his car working on it, only his legs sticking out. It is little more than a rusted frame, but it looks considerably less crunched than last time. Sam approaches. Sam: How's the car coming along? Dean: Slow. Sam: Yeah? Need any help? Dean: (dropping something heavily) What, you under a hood? I'll pass. Sam: Need anything else, then? Dean pushes himself out from under the car and stands. Dean: Stop it, Sam. Sam: Stop what? Dean: Stop asking if I need anything, stop asking if I'm okay. I'm okay. Really. I promise. Sam: All right, Dean, it's just... We've been at Bobby's for over a week now and you haven't brought up Dad once. Dean: You know what? You're right. Come here. I'm gonna lay my head gently on your shoulder. Maybe we can cry, hug, and maybe even slow dance. Sam: Don't patronize me, Dean, Dad is d*ad. The Colt is gone, and it seems pretty damn likely that the demon is behind all of this, and you're acting like nothing happened. Dean: What do you want me to say? Sam: Say something, all right? Hell, say anything! Aren't you angry? Don't you want revenge? But all you do is sit out here all day long buried underneath this damn car. Dean: Revenge, huh? Sam: Yeah. Dean: Sounds good. You got any leads on where the demon is? Making heads or tails of any of Dad's research? Because I sure ain't. But you know, if we do finally find it - oh. No, wait, like you said. The Colt's gone. But I'm sure you've figured out another way to k*ll it. We've got nothing, Sam. Nothing, okay? So you know the only thing I can do? Is I can work on the car. Dean crouches by the car again, getting back to work. Sam: Well, we've got something, all right? (he pulls out a cell phone) It's what I came by here to tell you. This is one of dad's old phones. Took me a while, but i cracked his voicemail code. Listen to this. Sam hands the cell phone to Dean, who stands and takes it reluctantly. Ellen's Voice John, it's Ellen. Again. Look, don't be stubborn, you know I can help you. Call me. Sam: That message is four months old. Dean: Dad saved that chick's message for four months? Sam: Yeah. Dean: Well, who's Ellen? Any mention of her in Dad's journal? Sam: No. But I ran a trace on her phone number and I got an address. Dean: Ask Bobby if we can use one of his cars. EXT. ROAD - DAY In a b*at-up, poorly maintained minivan, Dean and Sam pull up to the Roadhouse Saloon. Dean: This is humiliating. I feel like a friggin' soccer mom! Sam: It's the only car Bobby had running. (They start looking around) Hello? Anybody here? Dean: Hey. You bring the, uh, Sam: Of course. He tosses something to Dean, who catches it. They open the door and go inside. The saloon is quiet except for a fly buzzing. A light bulb blows out. They go to the back and see a man passed out on the bar. Sam: Hey, buddy? (pause) I'm guessing that isn't Ellen. Dean: Yeah. Sam goes into a back room, looking around. Dean goes down the steps, then pauses as he feels the point of a g*n touch his back. Dean: Oh god, please let that be a r*fle. The g*n cocks. Pan over to reveal an attractive blond girl. Jo: No, I'm just real happy to see you. Don't move. Dean: Not moving, copy that. You know, you should know something, miss. When you put a r*fle on someone, you don't want to put it right against their back. Because it makes it real easy to do... (He turns fluidly, grabbing the r*fle and cocking it. ) That. Jo punches him in the face and takes back the r*fle. Dean doubles over, clutching his nose. Dean: Sam! Need some help in here. (muttering) I can't see, I can't even see. The back door opens to reveal Sam, both hands on his head. He enters slowly. Sam: Sorry, Dean, I can't right now. I'm a... little tied up. He nods his head, indicating Ellen, who is behind him with a g*n pointed at his head. Ellen: Sam? Dean? Winchester? Sam and Dean: Yeah. Ellen: Son of a bitch. Jo: Mom, you know these guys? Ellen: Yeah, I think these are John Winchester's boys. (She lowers the g*n, laughing.) Hey, I'm Ellen. This is my daughter Jo. Jo also lowers her r*fle, and Dean smiles at her. Jo: Hey. Dean: You're not gonna h*t me again, are you? Ellen is handing Dean a small towel filled with ice. Ellen: Here you go. Dean: Thanks. You called our dad, said you could help. Help with what? Ellen: Well, the demon, of course. I heard he was closing in on it. Dean: What, was there an article in the Demon Hunters Quarterly that I missed? I mean, who, who are you? How do you know about all this? Ellen: Hey, I just run a saloon. But hunters have been known to pass through now and again. Including your dad a long time ago. John was like family once. Dean: Oh yeah? How come he never mentioned you before? Ellen: You'd have to ask him that. Dean: So why exactly do we need your help? Ellen: Hey, don't do me any favors. Look, if you don't want my help, fine. Don't let the door smack your ass on the way out. But John wouldn't have sent you if... (She stops, realizing.) He didn't send you. (Dean looks down, then back at Sam.) He's all right, isn't he? Sam: No. No, he isn't. It was the demon, we think. It, um, it just got him before he got it, I guess. Ellen: I'm so sorry. Dean: It's okay. We're all right. Ellen: Really? I know how close you and your dad were. Dean: Really, lady, I'm fine. Sam: So look, if you can help, we could use all the help we can get. Ellen: Well, we can't. But Ash will. Sam: Who's Ash? Ellen: Ash! The man passed out on the bar jerks awake and sits up, flailing. Ash: What? It closin' time? Sam: That's Ash? Jo: Mm-hmm. He's a genius. A brown folder is slapped down on the bar; Sam and Ash are sitting, Dean standing behind them. Jo is on the other side of the bar pouring glasses of water. Dean: You've gotta be kidding me, this guy's no genius. He's a Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie. Ash: I like you. Dean: Thanks. Jo: Just give him a chance. Dean sits and opens the folder. Dean: All right. This stuff's about a year's worth of our dad's work, so uh, let's see what you make of it. Ash pulls out the papers and starts rifling through them. He shakes his head. Ash: Come on. This crap ain't real. There ain't nobody can track a demon like this. Sam: Our dad could. Ash: There are non-parametrics, statistical overviews, prospects and correlations, I mean.. damn! They're signs. Omens. Uh, if you can track 'em, you can track this demon. You know, like crop failures, electrical storms... You ever been struck by lightening? It ain't fun. Sam: Can you track it or not? Ash: Yeah, with this, I think so. But it's gonna take time, uh, give me... fifty one hours. He gets up to leave. Dean: Hey, man? Ash: Yeah. Dean: I, uh, I dig the haircut. Ash: All business up front, party in the back. As he leaves, Jo walks by, flirting a little with Dean. He checks her out tiredly, then gets up to follow her. Sam sees something behind the bar. Sam: Hey, Ellen, what is that? Ellen: It's a police scanner. We keep tabs on things, we... Sam: No, no, no, no, the, um, the folder. Ellen: Uh, I was gonna give this to a friend of mine. But take a look, if you want. She takes a folder from the wall and places it in front of Same. It has some newspaper clippings attached to the front, and on the front, in red marker: COUPLE m*rder CHILD LEFT ALIVE MEDFORD, WISC. At the window, Dean sits down by Jo. Dean: How did your mom get into this stuff, anyway? Jo: From my dad. He was a hunter. He passed away. Dean: I'm sorry. Jo: It was a long time ago. I was just a kid. Sorry to hear about your dad. Dean: Yeah. So. I guess I've got fifty one hours to waste. Maybe tonight we should, uh... (He looks up at her.) No, you know what? Never mind. Jo: What? Dean: Nothing, just, uh, wrong place, wrong time. Jo: You know, I thought you were gonna toss me some cheap pickup line. (Dean Chuckles, embarrassed) Most hunters come through that door think they can get in my pants with some... pizza, a six pack, and side one of Zeppelin IV. Dean: Well... what a bunch of scumbags. Jo: Not you. Dean: I guess not. Sam: Dean, come here, check this out. Dean: Yeah. Sam: A few m*rder, not far from here, that Ellen caught wind of. Looks to me like there might be a hunt. Dean: Yeah. So? Sam: So, I told her we'd check it out. EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT Back in the minivan, Dean and Sam drive. It's raining; Sam has the research open in his lap. Dean: You've gotta be kidding me. A k*ller clown? Sam: Yeah. He left the daughter unharmed and k*lled the parents. Ripped them to pieces, actually. Dean: And this family was at some carnival that night? Sam: Right, right. The, uh, Cooper Carnivals. Dean: So how do you know we're not dealing with some psycho carnie in a clown suit? Sam: Well, the cops have no viable leads, and all the employees were tearing down shop. Alibis all around. Plus this girl said she saw a clown vanish into thin air. Cops are saying trauma, of course. Dean: Well, I know what you're thinking, Sam. Why did it have to be clowns? Sam: Oh, give me a break. Dean: (laughs) You didn't think I'd remember, did you? I mean, come on, you still bust out crying whenever you see Ronald McDonald on the television. Sam: Well, at least I'm not afraid of flying. Dean: Planes crash! Sam: And apparently clowns k*ll! Dean: So these types of m*rder, they ever happen before? Sam: Uh, according to the file, 1981, the Bunker Brothers Circus, Same M.O. It happened three times, three different locales. Dean: It's weird, though, I'm mean if it is a spirit it's usually bound to a specific locale, you know, a house, or a town. Sam: So how's this one moving from city to city, carnival to carnival? Dean: Cursed object, maybe. Spirit attaches itself to something and the, uh, carnival carries it around with them. Sam: Great. Paranormal scavenger hunt. Dean: Well, this case was your idea. By the way, why is that? You were awfully quick to jump on this job. Sam: So? Dean: It's just... not like you, that's all. I thought you were hell-bent for leather on the demon hunt. Sam: I don't know, I just think, this job, it's what Dad would have wanted us to do. Dean: What Dad would have wanted? Sam: Yeah. So? Dean: Nothin'. INT. FUNHOUSE - NIGHT A little boy and his father are going through the funhouse at the carnival. The boy is playing a hand-held videogame and not really paying attention. Dad: Check it out. Hey, look, Evan! Scary! Evan: Yeah, dad. Scary. Dad: No, it's over here. Wow. You know, when I was your age this would have scared the pants off of me. The boy ignores him. He looks up and sees the creepy clown from earlier waving at him. He looks around, and the clown is gone. Dad: Evan? Hey! What is it? Evan: I... I saw a clown! Dad: Don't be afraid of clowns. They're nice, they're your friends. Okay? Come on. INT Evan's HOME - NIGHT Evan's parents are asleep; he places a hand on his dad's arm. Evan: Dad. Dad! Dad: (waking slowly) Evan? What is it? Evan: You were right! He is my friend! Dad: Huh? He looks up to see the Clown holding Evan's hand. It smiles. He screams. END ACT ONE EXT. CARNIVAL - DAY The squeaky minivan pulls up outside the carnival. They see what appear to be Detectives talking to some carnies. Dean: Check it out. Five-oh. Sam stands with his hands in his pockets as a three-foot-tall woman in a clown outfit passes him. He stares at her, nervous, and she stares back before moving on. Dean approaches. Dean: Did you get her number? Sam: (scowling) More m*rder? Dean: Two more last night. Apparently they were ripped to shreds. And they had a little boy with them. Sam: Who fingered a clown. Dean pauses, giving Sam a weird look. Sam: What? Dean: Yeah, a clown, who apparently vanished into thin air. Sam: Dean, you know, looking for a cursed object is like trying to find a needle in a stack of needles. They could be anything. Dean: Well, it's bound to give off EMF, so we'll just have to scan everything. Sam: Oh, good, that's nice and... inconspicuous. Dean sees a "Help wanted... S. Cooper" sign. Dean: I guess we'll just have to blend in. INT. Blind Man's TENT - DAY A man is throwing knives at a target; they all land near but not quite on bulls-eye. Dean: Excuse me, we're looking for a Mr. Cooper, have you seen him around? Blind Man: What is that, some kind of joke? He pulls of his sunglasses; he's blind. Dean: Oh. God, I'm, I'm sorry. Blind Man: You think I wouldn't give my eyeteeth to see Mr. Cooper? Or a sunset, or anything at all? Dean: (quietly, to Sam) Wanna give me a little help here? Sam: Not really. Short Man: Hey man, is there a problem? Dean turns, then looks down to see an extremely short man in a red cape. Blind Man: Yeah, this guy hates blind people. Dean: No, I don't, I... Short Man: Hey buddy, what's your problem? Dean: Nothing, it's just a little misunderstanding. Short Man: Little?! You son of a bitch! Dean: No, no, no, no! I'm just, could somebody tell me where Mr. Cooper is? (Sam laughs.) Please? INT. Mr. Cooper's OFFICE Mr. Cooper: You boys picked a hell of a time to join up. Take a seat. Dean looks at the available chairs; one is normal, the other is pink, with a giant clownface on it. He beats Sam to the normal chair. Sam scowls, fidgeting before sitting gingerly in the clown chair. Mr. Cooper: We've got all kinds of local trouble. Dean: What do you mean? Mr. Cooper: Oh, a couple of folks got themselves m*rder. Cops always seem to start here first. So, you two ever worked the circuit before? Sam: Yes sir, last year through Texas and Arkansas. Dean: Yeah. Mr. Cooper: Doing what? Ride jockies? Butcher? ANS men? Sam: Yeah, it's, uh, little bit of everything, I guess. Mr. Cooper: You two have never worked a show in your lives before, have you? Dean Nope. But we really need the work. Oh, and uh, Sam here's got a thing for the bearded lady. Mr. Cooper: You see that picture? That's my daddy. Sam: You look just like him. Mr. Cooper: He was in the business. Ran a freakshow. Till they outlawed them, most places. Apparently displaying the deformed isn't dignified. So most of the performers went from honest work to rotting in hospitals and asylums. That's progress. I guess. You see, this place, it's a refuge for outcasts. Always has been. For folks that don't fit in nowhere else. But you two? You should go to school. Find a couple of girls. Have two point five kids. Live regular. Dean is about to say something, but Sam leans forward, eyes serious. Sam: Sir? We don't want to go to school. And we don't want regular. We want this. Dean looks at Sam. EXT. CARNIVAL - DAY Dean: Huh. Sam: What? Dean: That whole, uh, I don't want to go back to school thing. Were you just saying that to Cooper or were you, you know, saying it? Sam? Sam: I don't know. Dean: You don't know? I thought that once the demon was d*ad and the fat lady sings that you were gonna take off, head back to Wussy State. Sam: I'm having second thoughts. Dean: Really? Sam: Yeah. I think. Dad would have wanted me to stick with the job. Dean: Since when do you give a damn what Dad wanted? You spent half your life doing exactly what he didn't want, Sam. Sam: Since he died, okay? Do you have a problem with that? Dean: Naw, I don't have a problem at all. LATER Sam is wearing a red "Cooper CARNIVAL" jacket and picking up trash, while surreptitiously scanning with the EMF reader. He goes into the funhouse, still scanning. A skeleton falls from the ceiling; Sam scans it, not getting a reading, but looks like he has an idea. EXT. CARNIVAL - DAY Wearing a similar uniform jacket, Dean is putting trash into a dumpster when his cell phone rings. He picks up. Dean: Hello? Sam (on phone): Hey, man. Dean: What's the matter? You sound like you just saw a clown. Sam: Very funny. Skeleton, actually. Dean: Like a real human skeleton? Sam: In the funhouse. Listen, I was thinking. What if the spirit isn't attached to a cursed object, what if it's attached to its own remains? Dean: Did the bones give off EMF? Sam: Well, no, but... Dean: We should check it out anyway. I'm heading to you. As he hangs up the phone, the Blind Man grabs his arm. Blind Man: What are you doing here, kid? Dean: I'm... I was just sweeping. Blind Man: Bull. And what were you talking about? Skeletons? What's EMF? Dean: Dude, your blind man hearing is out of control. Blind Man: We're a tight-knit group, we don't like outsiders, we take care of our own problems. Dean: We got a problem? Blind Man: You tell me, you're the one talking about human bones. Dean: Do you believe in ghosts? Blind Man: What? Dean: My brother and me... we're writing a book about them. EXT. NEAR FUNHOUSE - DAY Having gotten away from Blind Guy, Dean approaches Sam. Sam: What took you so long? Dean: Long story. Little Girl: Mommy, look at the clown! Dean and Sam both look over to see a little girl pointing at something. Mom: What clown? They look to where the little girl is pointing; there is nothing. Mom: Come on, sweetie, come on. Dean and Sam share a look. EXT. FAMILY's HOME - NIGHT Dean and Sam are on stakeout outside the family's home. Sam: Dean, I cannot believe you told Papazian about the homicidal phantom clown. Dean: I told him an urban legend about a homicidal phantom clown, I never said it was real. Dean pulls a g*n and cocks it. Sam grabs at it, pushing Dean's hands down. Sam: Keep that down! Dean: Oh, and get this. I mentioned the Bunker Brother's Circus in '81 and their, uh, evil clown apocalypse? Guess what. Sam: What? Dean: Before Mr. Cooper owned Cooper Carnival, he worked for Bunker Brothers. He was their lot manager. Sam: So you think whatever the spirit's attached to, Cooper just brought it with him? Dean: Something like that. I can't believe we keep talking about clowns. LATER Dean is dozing as a light goes on in the dining room. Sam shakes him awake. Inside, the little girl goes to the front door, where the phantom clown is waiting. Little Girl: Wanna come in and play? The clown nods, takes her hand and is led inside. END ACT TWO INT. FAMILY HOME - NIGHT As the girl leads the clown down the hallway, Dean and Sam are already hiding in wait, w*apon ready. Little Girl: Wanna see Mommy and Daddy? They're upstairs. Sam leaps out and grabs the girl, who starts screaming, as Dean sh**t the clown in the chest. It falls on its back, then gets up as Dean is cocking the g*n again. It leaps out the window, turning invisible as it runs away. The parents come rushing out. Dad: What's going on out here? Mom: Oh my god, what are you doing to my daughter?! Dean and Sam leave the girl and run away terribly fast. Little Girl: He sh*t my clown! EXT. BACKROAD - DAY Dean and Sam have parked the minivan off the side of a road and are digging out their belongings - including the license plates. Sam: You really think they saw our plates? Dean: I don't want to take the chance. Besides, I hate this friggin' thing anyway. They start walking down the road. Dean: Well, one thing's for sure. Sam: What's that? Dean: We're not dealing with a spirit. I mean, that rock salt h*t something solid. Sam: Yeah, a person? Or maybe a creature that can make itself invisible? Dean: Yeah, and dresses up as a clown for kicks? You see anything in Dad's journal? Sam: Nope. (he pulls out his cell phone) Dean: Who are you calling? Sam: Maybe Ellen or that guy Ash'll know something. Hey, you think, uh, you think Dad and Ellen ever had a thing? Dean: No way. Sam: Then why didn't he tell us about her? Dean: I don't know, maybe they had some sort of falling out. Sam: Yeah. You ever notice Dad had a falling out with just about everybody? (Dean nods casually; Sam lowers the phone.) Well, don't get all maudlin on me, man. Dean: What do you mean? Sam: I mean this "strong silent" thing of yours, it's crap. Dean: Oh, god. Sam: I'm over it. This isn't just anyone we're talking about, this is Dad. I know how you felt about the man. Dean: You know what, back off, all right? Just because I'm not caring and sharing like you want me to. Sam: No, no, no, that's not what this is about, Dean. I don't care how you deal with this. But you have to deal with it, man. Listen, I'm your brother, all right? I just want to make sure you're okay. Dean: Dude, I'm okay. I'm okay, okay? I swear, the next person who asks me if I'm okay, I'm going to start throwing punches. These are your issues, quit dumping them on me! Sam: What are you talking about? Dean: I just think it's really interesting, this sudden obedience you have to Dad. It's like, oh, what would Dad want me to do? Sam, you spent your entire life slugging it out with that man. I mean, hell, you, you picked a fight with him the last time you ever saw him. And now that he's d*ad, now you want to make it right? Well, I'm sorry Sam, but you can't, it's too little, too late. Sam: Why are you saying this to me? Dean: Because I want you to be honest with yourself about this. I'm dealing with Dad's death! Are you? Sam: I'm going to call Ellen. LATER Further down the road, Sam is hanging up the phone. Sam: Thanks. (to Dean) Rakshasa. Dean: What's that? Sam: Ellen's best guess. It's a race of ancient Hindu creatures, they appear in human form, they feed on human flesh, they can make themselves invisible, and they cannot enter a home without first being invited. Dean: So they dress up like clowns, and the children invite them in. Sam: Yeah. Dean: Why don't they just munch on the kids? Sam: No idea. Not enough meat on the bones, maybe? Dean: What else'd you find out? Sam: Well, apparently, Rakshasas live in squalor. They sleep on a bed of d*ad insects. Dean: Nice. Sam: Yeah, and they have to feed a few times every twenty or thirty years. Slow metabolism, I guess. Dean: Well, that makes sense. I mean, the Carnival today, the Bunker Brothers' in '81 Sam: Right. Probably more before that. Dean: Hey Sam, who do we know that worked both shows? Sam: Cooper? Dean: Cooper. Sam: You know, that picture of his father, that looked just like him. Dean: You think maybe it was him? Sam: Well, who knows how old he is? Dean: Ellen say how to k*ll him? Sam: Legend goes, a dagger made of pure brass. Dean: I think I know where to get one of those. Sam: Well, before we go s*ab things into Cooper, we're going to want to make damn sure it's him. Dean: Oh, you're such a stickler for details, Sammy. All right, I'll round up the blade, you go check if Cooper's got bedbugs. EXT. CARNIVAL - NIGHT Sam picks the lock on Cooper's trailer and goes inside. Elsewhere, the Blind Man is leading Dean. Blind Man: Well, I've got all kinds of knives. I don't know if I've got a brass one, though. In Cooper's trailer, Sam pulls out a pocket Kn*fe and starts slicing open the mattress. A g*n cocks behind him; Cooper is there, pointing the g*n at him. Cooper: What do you think you're doing? In Blind Man's trailer, he leads Dean in and taps a trunk with his cane. Blind Man: Check the trunk. Dean opens the trunk and finds a red clown wig. He pauses, stands. Dean: You? Blind Man drops his cane, pulls off his glasses; his eyes look normal, then go cloudy and his face begins to melt. He waves, then disappears. END ACT THREE Dean struggles with the door in Blind Man's trailer, trying to get out. A Kn*fe flies past his head to bury in the door. He jumps. Another lands with a thunk a little higher. Dean: All right! He manages to get the door open and books it out of there, tumbling. Outside, Sam catches up with him. Sam: Hey! Hey. So, Cooper thinks I'm a Peeping Tom, but it's not him. Dean: Yeah, so I gathered. It's the blind guy, he's here somewhere. Sam: Well, did you get the - Dean: The brass blades? No, it's been one of those days. Sam: I got an idea. Come on. They enter the funhouse; as they go through, a door slams between them. They struggle to open it. Dean: Sam! Sam: Dean! Dean, find the maze, okay? Sam finds a pipe organ, which is giving off steam. He grabs for one of the pipes, flinching from the heat. He takes something from his pocket and starts pulling off a pipe. Dean comes around the corner. Dean: Hey. Sam: Hey! Where is it? Dean: I don't know, I mean, shouldn't we see its clothes walking around? A Kn*fe flies past Dean, pinning his sleeve to the wall. Another one pins his wrist. Dean: Sam! Sam pulls the pipe all the way off and stalks forward slowly. A Kn*fe flies past his head; he dodges. Sam: Dean, where is it? Dean: I don't know. Dean reaches up and pulls a lever; more steam pours from the pipe organ, giving a vague shape to the invisible attacker, which Dean sees. Dean: Sam, behind you! Behind you! Sam s*ab the pipe behind him without looking. He turns and sees it buried in the still-invisible creature, blood pouring from the wound. Dean manages to free himself. They look to where it's fallen and see only empty clothes and a bloody pipe. Dean: I hate funhouses. END ACT FOUR INT. ROADHOUSE SALOON - DAY Dean and Sam are sitting at the bar; Ellen lays down a couple of beers. Ellen: You boys did a hell of a job. Your dad would be proud. Sam: Thanks. Jo, sitting down on the other side of Dean, gives Sam a look. Sam: Oh yeah, um, I've gotta... uh, I've gotta go. Over there. Right now. Jo: So. (clears throat) Dean: So. Jo: Am I gonna see you again? Dean: Do you want to? Jo: I wouldn't hate it. Dean: Hmm. Can I be honest with you? See, normally I'd be hitting on you so fast it'd make your head spin. But, uh, these days... I don't know. Jo: Wrong place, wrong time? Dean: Yeah. Jo: It's okay, I get it. The back door opens and Ash enters, carrying the folder and a bizarre looking laptop. Ash: Where you guys been? Been waitin' for ya. Sam: We were working a job, Ash. Clowns? Ash: Clowns? What the f- Dean: You got something for us, Ash? Ash sets the laptop down on a table. It looks homemade, with exposed wiring. Sam: Did you find the demon? Ash: It's nowhere around. At least, nowhere I can find. But if this fugly bastard raises his head, I'll know. I mean, I'm on it like Divine on dog dookie. Sam: What do you mean? Ash: I mean, any of those signs or omens appear, anywhere in the world. my rig'll go off. Like a f*re alarm. Dean reaches for the laptop. Ash gives him a look. Dean: Do you mind...yeah. Ash: Hey, what's up, man? Sam: Ash, where did you learn to do all this? Ash: M.I.T. Before I got bounced for... fighting. Sam: M.I.T.? Ash: It's a school in Boston. Dean: Okay. You give us a call as soon as you know something? Ash: Si, si, compadre. Dean takes another sip of his beer, then sets it down. Ash picks it up. Dean and Sam get up to leave. Ellen: Hey, listen, if you boys need a place to stay I've got a couple beds out back. Dean: Thanks, but no. There's something I gotta finish. Ellen: Okay. EXT. JUNKYARD - DAY Dean is working on the car again, Sam pacing nearby. Sam: You were right. Dean: About what? Sam: About me and dad. I'm sorry that the last time I was with him I tried to pick a fight. I'm sorry that I spent most of my life angry at him. I mean, for all I know he died thinking that I hate him. So you're right. What I'm doing right now, it's too little. It's too late. (b*at) I miss him, man. And I feel guilty as hell. And I'm not all right. Not at all. But neither are you. That much I know. (pause) I'll let you get back to work. Sam leaves. Dean is still for a moment. He picks up a crowbar and smashes the window of a nearby car. Then he starts slamming it into the trunk of his own car, over and over. It clatters to the ground, and Dean looks after where Sam has gone, lip trembling. transcription by gelasius 10/06/06

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x02 - Everybody Loves a Clown"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 12 Oct 2006 Subtitle Red Lodge, Montana EXT. FOREST - NIGHT A young woman is running through a dark forest. Creepy music. She trips and falls. She stops behind a tree and her pursuer runs past. Relaxing, thinking she's safe, she steps out. A large hook appears, slices her head off. EXT. ROAD- DAY Soundtrack: AC/DC "Back In Black" The Metallicar zooms up a 2-lane, driven by Dean. He is in a good mood, grooving along to his music. Several gratuitous sh*ts of the shiny new car. Dean: Whoo! Listen to her purr! Have you ever heard anything so sweet? Sam: You know, if you two want to get a room, just let me know, Dean. Dean: Oh, don't listen to him, baby. He doesn't understand us. Sam: You're in a good mood. Dean: Why shouldn't I be? Sam: No reason. Dean: Got my car, got a case, things are looking up. Sam: Wow. You hear a couple of severed heads and a pile of d*ad cows and you're Mister Sunshine. Dean: How far to Red Lodge? Sam: Uh, about another three hundred miles. Dean: Good. (he floors it) INT. Sheriff's OFFICE - DAY In Red Lodge, a Sheriff with an impressive mustache is talking to Sam and Dean, who are posing as reporters. Sheriff: The m*rder investigation is ongoing, and that's all I can share with the press at this time. Sam: Sure, sure, we understand that, but just for the record, you found the first, uh, head last week, correct? Sheriff: Mm-hmm. Sam: Okay, and the other, a uh, Christina Flanigan, Sheriff: That was two days ago. Is there - (A young woman knocks on the door, points at her watch.) Oh. Sorry boys, time's up, we're done here. Sam: One last question - Dean: Yeah, what about the cattle? Sheriff: Excuse me? Dean: You know, the cows found d*ad, split open, drained... over a dozen cases. Sheriff: What about them? Sam: So you don't think there's a connection? Sheriff: Connection... with... Sam: First cattle mutilations, now two m*rder? Kinda sounds like ritual stuff. Dean: You know, like satanic cult ritual stuff? Sheriff: (laughs) You - you're not kidding. Dean: No. Sheriff: Those cows aren't being mutilated. You wanna know how I know? Sam: How? Sheriff: Because there's no such thing as cattle mutilation. Cow drops, leave it in the sun, within forty eight hours the bloat will split it open so clean it's just about surgical. The bodily fluids fall down into the ground and get soaked up because that's what gravity does. But, hey, it could be Satan. What newspaper did you say you work for? Dean: World Weekly News... Sam: Weekly World News. Dean: World - Sam: Weekly World - Dean: Weekly... I'm new. Sheriff Get out of my office. INT. HOSPITAL - DAY Dean and Sam enter the morgue, still wearing their shirts and ties from the previous scene but now also in white lab coats. The intern on duty has a name tag that reads "J. Manners." Dean looks at it, calculating. Dean: John. Jeff: Jeff. Dean: Jeff. I know that. Dr. Dworkin needs to see you in his office right away. Jeff: But Dr. Dworkin's on vacation. Dean: Well, he's back. And he's pissed, and he's screaming for you, man, so if I were you I would... okay. (intern runs away) Hey, those satanists in Florida, they marked their victims, didn't they? Sam: Yeah, reversed pentacle on the forehead. Dean: Yeah. So much f-d up crap happens in Florida. Dean hands Sam a pair of latex gloves and puts on a pair of his own; Sam opens a compartment and wheels out a corpse; there's a box between its legs. Dean: All right, open it. Sam: You open it. Dean: Wuss. Dean carries the box over to another table and flips off the lid, grimacing. Sam approaches, cringing. Dean: Well, no pentagram. Sam: Wow. Poor girl. Dean: Maybe we should, uh, you know, look in her mouth, see if those wackos stuffed anything down her throat. You know, kinda like Moth in Silence of the Lambs. Sam: Yeah, here, go ahead. Dean: No, you go ahead. Sam: What? Dean: "Put the lotion in the basket." Sam: Right, yeah, I'm the wuss, huh? Whatever. (Sam steels himself and starts poking his fingers into the mouth.) Dean, get me a bucket? Dean: You find something? Sam: No, I'm going to puke. Dean: Wait, lift the lip up again? Sam: What? You want me to throw up, is that it? Dean: No, no, no, I think I saw something. (He pulls back the lip) What is that, a hole? Dean presses on the gum and a narrow, sharp tooth descends. Sam: It's a tooth. Dean: Sam, that's a fang. Retractable set of vampire fangs, you've got to be kidding me. Sam: Well, this changes things. Dean: Ya think? EXT. BAR - NIGHT Dean and Sam pull up near a local bar, go around to park. They go into: INT. BAR - NIGHT Dean and Sam approach the bar; a man (Gordon) sitting at a table to one side is watching them. Dean: How's it going? Bartender: Living the dream. What can I get for you? Dean: Two beers, please. Sam: So, we're looking for some people. Bartender: Sure. Hard to be lonely. Sam: Yeah. But um, that's not what I meant. (He pulls out a $50 bill, fingering it, and drops it on the bar; bartender takes it) Right. So these, these people, they would have moved here about six months ago, probably pretty rowdy, like to drink... Dean: Yeah, real night owls, you know? Sleep all day, party all night. Bartender: Barker farm got leased out a couple months ago. Real winners. They've been in here a lot - drinkers. Noisy. I've had to 86 them once or twice. Dean: Thanks. They leave their half-finished beers on the table and leave. The man who was watching them is gone, a smoldering cigarette left behind. As Dean and Sam leave, the man watches, then stalks them. They go down an alley, he follows. He loses sight of them, turns. Dean and Sam are suddenly there, pinning him to the wall, Dean with a Kn*fe at his throat. Dean: Smile. Gordon: What? Dean: Show us those pearly whites. Gordon: Oh, for the love of - you want to stick that thing someplace else? I'm not a vampire. (Sam frowns) Yeah, that's right. I heard you guys in there. Sam: What do you know about vampires? Gordon: How to k*ll them. Now seriously, bro. That Kn*fe's making me itch. (Dean cocks his head. The man starts to pull away, Sam pins him harder.) Whoa. Easy there, chachi. (He slowly brings his right hand to his lip, pulls it back, revealing normal gums.) See? Fangless. Happy? (Dean lets up) Now. Who the hell are you? EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT At the man's car, he pulls out his arsenal, which includes the large hook from the teaser scene. Gordon: Sam and Dean Winchester. I can't believe it. You know I met your old man once? Hell of a guy. Great hunter. I heard he passed. I'm sorry. It's big shoes. But from what I hear you guys fill 'em. Great trackers, good in a tight spot - Dean: You seem to know a lot about our family. Gordon: Word travels fast. You know how hunters talk. Dean: No, we don't, actually. Gordon: I guess there's a lot your dad never told you, huh? Sam: So, um, so those two vampires, they were yours, huh? Gordon: Yep. Been here two weeks. Dean: Did you check out that Barker farm? Gordon: It's a bust. Just a bunch of hippie freaks. Though they could k*ll you with that patchouli smell alone. Dean: Where's the nest, then? Gordon: I've got this one covered. Look, don't get me wrong. It's a real pleasure meetin' you fellas. But I've been on this thing over a year. I k*lled a fang back in Austin, tracked the nest all the way up here. I'll finish it. Dean: We could help. Gordon: Thanks, but uh, I'm kind of a go-it-alone type of guy. Dean: Come on, man, I"ve been itching for a hunt. Gordon: Sorry. But hey, I hear there's a Chupacabra two states over. You go ahead and knock yourselves out. (He gets in his car.) It was real good meeting you, though. I'll buy you a drink on the flip side. (He drives off) INT. MILL - NIGHT A man is sitting in the quiet mill, alone. He hears a noise, starts investigating. He goes up to the roof, pulls out a crowbar. A crow flies at his head, startling him. He relaxes, then turns around to find... Gordon attacking him with a machete. The man extends his fangs. They struggle near an electric saw; the vampire turns it on, pinning Gordon down below it, nearly decapitating him until... Sam pulls him to safety; Dean att*cks the vampire, getting him pinned under the electric saw. He lowers the saw, decapitating him. Gordon: So uh, I guess I gotta buy you that drink. Sam stares at Dean, stunned. END ACT ONE INT. BAR - NIGHT Gordon, Dean, and Sam are sitting around a table in the bar. A waitress brings them another round, Dean reaches for his wallet. Gordon: No, no, I got it. Dean: Come on. Gordon: I insist. (to the waitress) Thank you, sweetie. (raising his sh*t glass) Another one bites the dust. Dean: That's right. Dean and Gordon drink a toast; Sam is sitting back, arms folded. Gordon: Dean. (laughs) You gave that big-ass fang one hell of a haircut, my friend. Dean: Thank you. Gordon: That was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Dean: Yep. You all right, Sammy? Sam: I'm fine. Gordon: Well, lighten up a little, Sammy. Sam: He's the only one who gets to call me that. Gordon: Okay. No offense meant. Just celebrating a little. Job well done. Sam: Right. Well, decapitations aren't my idea of a good time, I guess. Gordon: Oh, come one, man, it's not like it was human. You've gotta have a little more fun with your job. Dean: See? That's what I've been trying to tell him. You could learn a thing or two from this guy. Sam: Yeah, I bet I could. Look, I'm not gonna bring you guys down. I'm just gonna go back to the motel. Dean: You sure? Sam: Yeah. Dean: Sammy? Remind me to b*at that buzzkill out of you later, all right? (He tosses Sam the keys.) Gordon: Something I said? Dean: No, no, he just gets that way sometimes. Tell you what. Match you quarters for the next round. INT. MOTEL - NIGHT Sam returns to the motel room, drops the keys on a hook. INT. BAR - NIGHT Dean: ... So. I pick up this crossbow. And I h*t that ugly sucker with a silver-tipped arrow right in his heart. Sammy's waiting in the car, and uh, me and my dad take the thing into the woods, burn it to a crisp. I'm sitting there and looking into the f*re, and I'm thinking to myself, I'm sixteen years old. Most kids my age are worried about pimples, prom dates. I'm seeing things that they'll never even know. Never even dream of. So right then, I just sort of - Gordon: Embraced the life? Dean: Yeah. Gordon: Yeah. Dean: Yeah. How'd you get started? Gordon: First time I saw a vampire I was barely eighteen. Home alone with my sister. I hear the window break in her room. I grab my dad's g*n, run in, try to get it off her. Too late. So I sh**t the damn thing. Which of course is about as useful as snapping it with a rubber band. It rushes me, picks me up, flings me across the room, knocks me out cold. When I wake up, the vampire's gone, my sister's gone. Dean: And then? Gordon: Then... try explaining that one to your family. So I left home. And then bummed around looking for information: how you track 'em, how you k*ll 'em. And I found that fang - it was my first k*ll. Dean: Sorry about your sister. Gordon: Yeah. She was beautiful. I can still see her, you know? The way she was. But hey, that was a long time ago. I mean, your dad. It's gotta be rough. Dean: Yeah. Yeah, you know. He was just one of those guys. Took some terrible beatings, just kept coming. So you're always thinking to yourself, he's indestructible. He'll always be around, nothing can k*ll my dad. Then just like that (snaps) he's gone. I can't talk about this to Sammy. You know, I gotta keep my game face on. (clears throat) But uh, the truth is I'm not handling it very well. I feel like I have this - Gordon: Hole inside you? And it just gets bigger and bigger and darker and darker? Good. You can use it. Keeps you hungry. Trust me. There's plenty out there needs k*lling, and this'll help you do it. Dean, it's not a crime to need your job. INT. ROADHOUSE - NIGHT The roadhouse is crowded, Ellen is working behind the bar. She hears the phone ring and picks up. Ellen: Harvelle's Roadhouse. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Sam: Hey, Ellen, uh, Sam Winchester. Ellen: Sam, it's good to hear from you. You boys are okay, aren't you? Sam: Yeah. Yeah, everything's fine. Got a question. Ellen: Yeah, sh**t. Sam: You ever run across a guy named Gordon Walker? Ellen: Yeah, I know Gordon. Sam: And? Ellen: Well, he's a real good hunter. Why are you asking, sweetie? Sam: Well, we ran into him on a job and we're kinda working with him, I guess. Ellen: Don't do that, Sam. Sam: I - I thought you said he was a good hunter. Ellen: Yeah, and Hannibal Lecter's a good psychiatrist. Look, he is dangerous to everyone and everything around him. If he's working on a job you boys just let him handle it and you move on. Sam: Ellen - Ellen: No, Sam? You just listen to what I'm telling you, okay? Sam: Right, okay. INT. BAR - NIGHT Gordon: Know why I love this life? Dean: Hmm? Gordon: It's all black and white. There's no maybe. You find the bad thing, k*ll it. See, most people spend their lives in shades of gray. Is this right? Is that wrong? Not us. Dean: Not sure Sammy would agree with you, but uh... Gordon: Doesn't seem like your brother's much like us. (Dean stares at him, startled) I'm not saying he's wrong. Just different. But you and me? We were born to do this. It's in our blood. EXT - MOTEL PARKING LOT - NIGHT Sam buys a soda from a vending machine and starts walking back to the room. He pauses as if hearing something, cautiously opens the door, looking around. He gets inside and leans against the door, relieved. Suddenly a dark figure jumps him from behind. He knocks his first attacker down, then the second; the first attacker rises up behind him and slams a heavy telephone into the back of his head, knocking him out. CUT TO BLACK EXT BRIDGE - NIGHT The truck crosses a bridge. CUT TO BLACK INT FARMHOUSE - NIGHT Sam is bound to a chair and gagged, a sack over his head; it's pulled off by the bartender from earlier. He shows fangs and advances on Sam, who struggles. END ACT TWO INT. NEST - NIGHT As the vampire advances on Sam, a woman (Lenore) appears in the doorway. Lenore: Wait! Step back, Eli. Eli pulls back, his fangs retracting. The woman walks over and pulls off Sam's gag. Lenore: My name's Lenore, I'm not going to hurt you. We just need to talk. Sam: Talk? Yeah, okay, but I might have a tough time paying attention to much besides Eli's teeth. Lenore: He won't hurt you either, you have my word. Sam: Your word? Oh yeah, great, thanks. Listen lady, no offense but you're not the first vampire I've met. Lenore: We're not like the others. We don't k*ll humans, and we don't drink their blood. We haven't for a long time. Sam: What is this, some kind of joke? Lenore: Notice you're still alive. Sam: Okay, uh, correct me if I'm wrong here, but shouldn't you be starving to death? Lenore: We've found other ways. Cattle blood. Sam: You're telling me you're responsible for all the - Lenore: It's not ideal, in fact it's disgusting. But it allows us to get by. Sam: Okay, uh, why? Lenore: Survival. No deaths, no missing locals, no reason for people like you to come looking for people like us. We blend in. Our kind is practically extinct. Turns out we weren't quite as high up the food chain as we imagined. Eli: Why are we explaining ourselves to this k*ller? Lenore: Eli! Eli: We choke on cow's blood so that none of them suffer. Tonight they m*rder Conrad and they celebrated. Lenore: Eli, that's enough. Sam: Yeah, Eli, that's enough. Lenore: What's done is done. We're leaving this town tonight. Sam: Then why did you bring me here? Why are you even talking to me? Lenore: Believe me, I'd rather not. But I know your kind. Once you have the scent you'll keep tracking us, it doesn't matter where we go. Hunters will find us. Sam: So you're asking us not to follow you. Lenore: We have a right to live, we're not hurting anyone. Sam: Right, so you keep saying, but give me one good reason why I should believe you. Lenore: Fine. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to let you go. (He looks at her, startled.) Take him back. Not a mark on him. Two vampires lead Sam back to the truck, his head covered in the sack again. They drive off. INT. MOTEL - NIGHT Dean and Gordon sit at the table, discussing strategy over a map. Gordon: This is the best pattern I can establish. It's sketchy at best. Dean: Looks like it's all coming from this side of town. Which means the nest would be around here someplace, right? Gordon: Yep, that's what I'm thinking. Problem is, there's thirty five, forty farms out there. I've searched about half of them already, but nothing yet. They're covering their tracks real good. Dean: Then I guess we'll just have to search the other half. (Dean looks at his watch) What time is it? Where is Sam? Gordon: Car's parked outside. Probably went for a walk. Seems like the take a walk type. Dean: Yeah, he is, but... The door opens and Sam enters. He gives Dean a look. Dean: Where you been? Sam: Can I talk to you alone? Dean: (to Gordon) You mind chillin' out for a couple minutes? EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT Sam and Dean exit the motel room and walk into the parking lot during the following. Sam: Dean, maybe we've got to rethink this hunt. Dean: What are you talking about? Where were you? Sam: In the nest. Dean: You found it? Sam: They found me, man. Dean: How'd you get out? How many did you k*ll? Sam: None. Dean: Well Sam, they didn't just let you go. Sam: That's exactly what they did. Dean: All right, well, where is it? Sam: I was blindfolded, I don't know. Dean: Well, you've got to know something. Sam: We went over that bridge outside of town, but Dean, listen. Maybe we shouldn't go after them. Dean: Why not? Sam: I don't think they're like other vampires. I don't think they're k*lling people. Dean: You're joking. Then how do they stay alive? Or undead, or whatever the hell they are. Sam: The cattle mutilations. They said they live off of animal blood. Dean: And you believed them? Sam: Look at me, Dean. They let me go without a scratch. Dean: Wait, so you're saying... No, man, no way. I don't know why they let you go. I don't really care. We find 'em, we waste 'em. Sam: Why? Dean: What part of 'vampires' don't you understand, Sam? If it's supernatural, we k*ll it, end of story. That's our job. Sam: No, Dean, that is not our job. Our job is hunting evil. And if these things aren't k*lling people, they're not evil! Dean: Of course they're k*lling people, that's what they do. They're all the Same, Sam. They're not human, okay? We have to exterminate every last one of them. Sam: No, Dean, I don't think so, all right? Not this time. Dean: Gordon's been on those vamps for a year, man, he knows. Sam: Gordon? Dean: Yes. Sam: You're taking his word for it? Dean: That's right. Sam: Ellen says he's bad news. Dean: You called Ellen? (Sam nods) And I'm supposed to listen to her? We barely know her, Sam, no thanks, I'll go with Gordon. Sam: Right, 'cause Gordon's such an old friend. You don't think I can see what this is? Dean: What are you talking about? Sam: He's a substitute for Dad, isn't he? A poor one. Dean: Shut up, Sam. Sam: He's not even close, Dean. Not on his best day. Dean: You know what? I'm not even going to talk about this. Sam: You know, you slap on this big fake smile but I can see right through it. Because I know how you feel, Dean. Dad's d*ad. And he left a hole, and it hurts so bad you can't take it, but you can't just fill up that hole with whoever you want to. It's an insult to his memory. Dean: Okay. He starts to turn away, then punches Sam, hard. Sam pauses, turning back slowly, but not rising to the bait. Sam: You h*t me all you want. It won't change anything. Dean: I'm going to that nest. You don't want to tell me where it is, fine. I'll find it myself. Sam: Dean? INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Dean returns to the motel room, Sam following; Gordon is gone. Dean: Gordon? Sam: You think he went after them? Dean: Probably. Sam: Dean, we have to stop him. Dean: Really, Sam? Because I say we lend a hand. Sam: Just give me the benefit of the doubt, would you? You owe me that. Dean: Yeah, we'll see. I'll drive. Give me the keys. Sam points to the table where he'd set them earlier; they're gone. Sam: He snaked the keys. INT. Impala - NIGHT Dean is hotwiring his car and grimacing. Dean: I can't believe this. I just fixed her up, too. (The car starts) So the bridge, is that all you got? Sam: The bridge was four and a half minutes from their farm. Dean: How do you know? Sam: I counted. (He starts tracing a path on the map in his lap.) They took a left out of the farm, then turned right onto a dirt road, followed that for two minutes slightly up a hill, then took another quick right and we h*t the bridge. Dean: You're good. You're a monster pain in the ass, but you're good. INT. NEST - NIGHT Lenore is packing things into boxes; Eli comes in and sets a box on the table. Lenore: In the truck, thank you. Eli: We can't leave like this. Lenore. Listen to me, we need to stay and fight. Lenore: They were my friends too, Eli, my family. Eli: That's not what I'm talking about. This is self defense. k*ll or be k*lled. They can't hunt us if they're d*ad. Lenore: k*lling those three wouldn't solve anything. There's more where they came from. We're outnumbered. This. This is all we can do. Try and reason - Eli: You can't reason with these people. They're going to k*ll us all anyway. We should at least take a few of them with us. Lenore: I'm not giving up hope. If we can change, they can change. Now go into town and gather the others. We leave before sunrise. EXT BRIDGE - NIGHT Gordon's red car crosses the bridge and turns up a small road. Some ways behind, Sam and Dean are in the Impala. Sam sighs, staring at the map. Dean glances at him, then looks back to the road. Sam frowns at Dean. EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT Lenore comes out of the house with a box, sets it on the flatbed of a truck. She turns and Gordon is there. He grabs her, raises a Kn*fe that glistens with blood. He s*ab it into her chest; she goes limp. Gordon: d*ad man's blood, bitch. END ACT THREE INT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT Gordon dips the Kn*fe into a jar of blood. Lenore is tied to a chair nearby, covered in cuts, pale and sickly. He circles around her, slices the bloody Kn*fe across her chest. she gasps. Sam and Dean arrive. Gordon: Sam, Dean. Come on in. Dean: Hey, Gordon. What's going on? Gordon: Just poisoning Lenore here with some d*ad man's blood. She's going to tell us where all her little friends are, aren't you? Want to help? Dean: Look, man, Gordon: Grab a Kn*fe. I was just about to start in on the fingers. He drags the Kn*fe across her arm. Dean: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, let's all just chill out, huh? Gordon: I'm completely chill. Sam: Gordon, put the Kn*fe down. Sam steps towards Gordon, Dean stops him with a hand on his chest. Gordon: Sounds like it's Sam here needs to chill. Sam: Just step away from her, all right? Gordon: You're right. I'm wasting my time here. This bitch will never talk. Might as well put her out of her misery. (He pulls out a larger Kn*fe) I just sharpened it, so it's completely humane. He turns towards Lenore; Sam steps to block him. Sam: Gordon, I'm letting her go. Gordon points the Kn*fe at Sam's chest, stopping him. Gordon: You're not doing a damn thing. Dean: Hey, hey, hey, Gordon, let's talk about this. Gordon: What's there to talk about? It's like I said, Dean. No shades of gray. Dean: Yeah. I hear ya. And I know how you feel. Gordon: Do you? Dean: That vampire that k*lled your sister deserved to die, but this one... Gordon: (laughing) k*lled my sister? That filthy fang didn't k*ll my sister. It turned her. It made her one of them. So I hunted her down, and I k*lled her myself. Dean: You did what? Gordon: It wasn't my sister anymore, it wasn't human. I didn't blink. And neither would you. Sam: So you knew all along, then? You knew about the vampires, you knew they weren't k*lling anyone. You knew about the cattle. And you just didn't care. Gordon: Care about what? A nest of vampires suddenly acting nice? Taking a little time out from sucking innocent people? And we're supposed to buy that? Trust me. Doesn't change what they are. And I can prove it. He grabs Sam's arm, slices the Kn*fe across it, then lays the Kn*fe against his throat, dragging him towards Lenore. Dean pulls his g*n. Dean: Let him go. Now! Gordon: Relax. If I wanted to k*ll him he'd already be on the floor. Just making a little point. Gordon holds the cut on Sam's arm over Lenore, so the blood drips on her face. She hisses, fangs extending. Dean: Hey! Gordon: You think she's so different? Still want to save her? Look at her. They're all the Same. Evil, bloodthirsty. Lenore controls herself, retracting her fangs, and turns her face away. Lenore: No. No! Sam: You hear her, Gordon? Lenore: No! No! Sam pushes Gordon away. Sam: We're done here. Dean: Sam, get her out of here. Sam: Yeah. Sam picks Lenore up in his arms; Gordon takes a step towards him, but Dean still has the g*n trained on him. Dean: Uh-uh. Uh-uh! Gordon. I think you and I've got some things to talk about. Gordon: Get out of my way. Dean: Sorry. Gordon: You're not serious. Dean: I'm having a hard time believing it too, but I know what I saw. If you want those vampires, you've gotta go through me. Gordon nods, considering. He looks at his Kn*fe, then jams it into the table. Gordon: Fine. Dean looks at the Kn*fe, looks at his g*n. He pulls the clip out of the g*n and sets it aside. Gordon punches him; they start fighting. Gordon grabs the Kn*fe again; Dean groans. They are fairly well matched. Gordon: What are you doing, man? You doing this for a fang? Come on, Dean, we're on the Same side here. Dean: I don't think so, you sadistic bastard. Gordon throws Dean across the room. Gordon: You're not like your brother. You're a k*ller, like me. Dean kicks Gordon down, hauls him up against the wall, and elbows him in the face, knocking him out. Pinning him under his elbow, he slams Gordon's head into another wall. He sets him in a chair and ties him up. Dean: You know, I might be like you, and I might not. But you're the one tied up right now. END ACT FOUR INT. FARMHOUSE - MORNING Sam returns to find Gordon tied to the chair, Dean pacing. Sam: Did I miss anything? Dean: Nah, not much. Lenore get out okay? Sam: Yeah. All of them did. Dean: Then I guess our work here is done. How you doin', Gordy? Gotta tinkle yet? All right. Well, get comfy. We'll call someone in two or three days, have them come out, untie you. He jams Gordon's Kn*fe into a table behind him. Sam: Ready to go, Dean? Dean: Not yet. I guess this is goodbye. Well, it's been real. (He hits Gordon, knocking him to the floor) Okay. I'm good now. We can go. EXT. FARM - DAY As they exit the farmhouse, both wince at their recent injuries - Sam's left arm is wrapped in a bandage. Dean stops, setting himself on his feet like a boxer. Dean: Sam? Clock me one. Sam: What? Dean: Come on. I won't even h*t you back. Let's go. Sam: No. Dean: Let's go, you can get a freebie. h*t me, come on. Sam: You look like you just went twelve rounds with a block of cement, Dean. I'll take a raincheck. Dean: I wish we never took this job, just... jacked everything up. Sam: What do you mean? Dean: Think about all the hunts we went on, Sammy, our whole lives. Sam: Okay. Dean: What if we k*lled things that didn't deserve k*lling? You know? I mean, the way Dad raised us... Sam: Dean, after what happened to Mom, Dad did the best he could. Dean: I know he did. But the man wasn't perfect. And the way he raised us, to hate those things; and man, I hate 'em. I do. When I k*lled that vampire at the mill I didn't even think about it; hell, I even enjoyed it. Sam: You didn't k*ll Lenore. Dean No, but every instinct told me to. I was gonna k*ll her. I was gonna k*ll 'em all. Sam: Yeah, Dean, but you didn't. And that's what matters. Dean: Yeah. Well, 'cause you're a pain in my ass. Sam: Guess I might have to stick around to be a pain in the ass, then. Dean: Thanks. Sam: Don't mention it. Sam gets in the passenger's side; Dean stares off into the distance for a moment before climbing in and driving away. END EPISODE transcription by gelasius 10/13/06

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x03 - Bloodlust"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 19 Oct 2006 Neil: Okay. We've got booze, we've got chocolate, and, wait for it... tortured emo rock. Guaranteed cure for any broken heart. Angela: You didn't have to do all this. I'm fine. Neil: Yeah, I can see that. She takes his hand in both of hers. Angela: Thanks, Neil. Neil: Yeah. There is a loud pounding at the door. They both look around. Neil: Look... Angela: It's probably him. Neil: I'll take care of it. He goes to the front door, opens it. Matt is standing there. Matt: Where is she? Neil: Let's just chill out and think about this for a second, okay? Matt: I need to talk to her. Neil: Some other time. Matt: You get out of my face, Neil. Matt shoves Neil and enters; Neil shuts the door behind him. They both go into the kitchen to find Angela gone. EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT Angela is driving down a dark road, crying. Her cell phone rings, and the display reads "Matt Cell Phone Calling". She picks up. Angela: Leave. Me. Alone. Matt (on phone): Angela, I'm sorry. Angela: You're sorry? (laughs) You're sorry, oh, that's great. Matt: Angela, listen to me. Angela: I don't want to listen to you! I'm done listening! Matt: Listen to me! Angela: No - I... I love you! Crying and looking down, she doesn't see a turn in the road. She crashes into the barrier. Close on Angela's face, staring, covered in blood. END Teaser TITLE CARD: SUPERNATURAL EXT. ROAD - DAY The Impala zooms down a two-lane blacktop. Dean is driving, Sam in the passenger's seat. Dean: Come on, Sam, I'm begging you. This is stupid. Sam: Why? Dean: Going to visit Mom's grave? She doesn't even have a grave, there was no body left after the f*re. Sam: She has a headstone. Dean: Yeah, put up by her uncle, a man we've never even met. So you want to go pay your respects to a slab of granite put up by a stranger? Sam: Dean, that's not the point. Dean: Well then, enlighten me, Sam. Sam: It's not about a body, or, or a casket. It's about her memory, okay? Dean: Hmmm. Sam: And after Dad it just... just feels like the right thing to do. Dean: It's irrational is what it is. Sam: Look, man. No one asked you to come. Dean: Why don't we swing by the roadhouse instead? I mean, we haven't heard anything about the demon lately, we should be hunting that son of a bitch down. Sam: That's a good idea, you should. Just drop me off, I'll hitch a ride, and I'll meet you there tomorrow. Dean: Right. To be... stuck with those people, making awkward small talk until you show up? No thanks. EXT. GRAVEYARD - DAY Sam kneels before a headstone, digging in the ground with a folding Kn*fe. SUBTITLE: CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH d*ad THINGS Sam pulls a set of dogtags out of his pocket. He sighs. Sam: I think, um, I think Dad would have wanted you to have these. (He buries them.) I love you, Mom. Nearby, Dean is standing by another gravestone, marked as "Loving Father" He sees a dying tree, and stops, frowning. He walks over to it and notices a perfect circle of d*ad grass surrounding a gravestone. He crouches down, fingering d*ad flowers. LATER, Dean takes a card from a man in a suit, then walks over to Sam. Dean: Angela Mason. She was a student at the local college; funeral was three days ago. Sam: And? Dean: And? You saw her grave. Everything d*ad around it, in a perfect circle? You don't think that's a little weird? Sam: Maybe the groundskeeper went a little agro with the pesticide. Dean: No, I asked him, I asked him. No pesticide, no chemicals. Nobody can explain it. Sam: Okay, so what are you thinking? Dean: I dunno. Unholy ground, maybe? Sam: Un- Dean: What? If something evil happened there, it could easily poison the ground. Remember the, the farm outside of Cedar Rapids? Sam: Yeah, b- Dean: Could be the sign of a demonic presence. Or the, the Angela girl's spirit, if it's powerful enough. (Sam nods, turning away.) Well, don't get too excited, you might pull something. Sam: It's just... stumbling onto a hunt? Here, of all places? Dean: So? Sam: So? Are you sure this is about a hunt, and not about something else? Dean: What else would it be about? Sam: You know, just forget it. Dean: You believe what you want, Sam, but I let you drag my ass out here, the least we could do is check this out. Sam: Yeah. Fine. Dean: Girl's dad works in town, he's a professor at the school. INT. SCHOOL BUILDING - DAY Dean and Sam knock on the door of Dr. Mason's office. Dean: Dr. Mason? Dr. Mason: Yes? Sam: I'm Sam, this is Dean. We were friends of Angela's, we... we wanted to offer our condolences. Dr. Mason: Please, come in. They enter; he closes the door behind them. Sitting down, he shows them a photo album. In the corner, Dean is looking through an old book. Sam: She was beautiful. Dr. Mason: Yes, she was. Dean: This is an unusual book. He shows the cover of the book he's been paging through; it has carvings of greek letters and a triangular symbol. Dr. Mason: It's ancient Greek; I teach a course. Dean: So a car accident, that's, that's horrible. Dr. Mason: Angie was only a mile away from home when, uh, Dean: It's gotta be hard. Losing someone like that. Sometimes it's like they're still around. Almost like you can still sense their presence. (Sam looks at him, concerned.) You ever feel anything like that? Dr. Mason: I do, as a matter of fact. Sam: (still looking at Dean) That's perfectly normal, Dr. Mason. Especially with what you're going through. Dr. Mason: You know, I still phone her. And the phone's ringing before I remember that, uh... Family's everything, you know? Angie was the most important thing in my life. And now I, I'm just lost without her. Sam: We're very sorry. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Dean: I'm telling you, there's something going on here, we just haven't found it yet. Sam: Dean, so far you've got a patch of d*ad grass and nothing. Dean: Well, something turned that grave into unholy ground. Sam: There's no reason for it to be unholy ground. Angela Mason was a nice girl who died in a car crash, that's not exactly vengeful spirit material. You heard her father. Dean: Yeah, well, maybe Daddy doesn't know everything there is to know about his little angel, huh? Sam: You know what? We never should have bothered that poor man. We shouldn't even be here anymore. Dean: So what, Sam? We just bail? Without even figuring out what's going on? Sam: I think I know what's going on here. It's the only reason I went along with you this far. Dean: What are you talking about? Sam: This is about Mom's grave. Dean: (scoffs) That's got nothing to do with it. Sam: You wouldn't step within a hundred yards of it. Look. Maybe you're imagining a hunt where there isn't one so you don't have to think about Mom. Or Dad. (Dean turns to look at him.) You wanna take another swing? Go ahead, if it'll make you feel better. Dean: I don't need this crap. He grabs his jacket and keys and starts for the door. Sam: Dean, where are you going? Dean: I'm going to go get a drink. Alone. He leaves. Cut to: INT. Matt's HOUSE - NIGHT Matt is sitting alone in his living room, watching home movies of him and Angela. He's drinking a beer. Close sh*t of a small plant on the side table; it withers. Matt pauses the tape; he sees Angela's reflection in the screen and turns around, startled. He screams, and blood splashes the screen. END ACT ONE INT. Angela's HOUSE - DAY Dean breaks into Angela's home and pokes around. He glimpses a figure in reflection just before she sees him - it's the roommate, Lindsey. Lindsey: Who the hell are you? She turns and shuts herself in her bedroom. Dean: Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on! Lindsey: I'm calling 9-1-1! Dean: I'm Angela's cousin! Lindsey: What? Dean: Yeah, her dad sent me over to, uh, pick up her stuff, my name's Alan? Alan Stanwick? Lindsey: (opening the door) Her dad didn't say that you were coming. Dean: Well, I mean, (holding up a set of keys) How else would I the key to your place? INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Dean hands the girl a kleenex. She's crying, and Dean looks slightly uncomfortable. Dean: So. I'm sure you got a view of Angela that none of her family got to see. Tell me, what, what was she like? I mean, what was she really like? Lindsey: She was great. Just great. I mean, she was so... Dean: Great. Lindsey: Yeah. Dean: Yeah. (hands her another tissue) Here you go. You two must have been really close, huh? Lindsey: We were. But it's not just her, it's Matt. Dean: Who? Lindsey: Angela's boyfriend. Dean: Right, Matt. What about him? Lindsey: He k*lled himself last night. Cut his own throat. Who does that? Dean: That's terrible. Lindsey: He was taking Angela's death pretty hard, and I guess... I mean, he'd been messed up about it for days. Dean: Messed up how? Lindsey: He kept saying that he saw her everywhere. Dean: Well, I'm, I'm sure that's normal, with everything that he was going through. Lindsey: No, he said that he saw her. As in, an acid trip or something. Dean: Were Angela and Matt a happy couple? I mean, is there any reason that Angela would be angry with him? Lindsey: What? No, of course not, why do you ask? Dean: Just asking. Where did Matt live? INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY Sam is sitting on the edge of the bed, watching television. TV Announcer: Next, on the Skin channel, Casa Erotica Four. A tale of... Dean opens the door, and Sam looks around, startled. He shuts off the TV and tosses down the remote. Sam: Hey. Dean enters slowly, glancing between the television and Sam. Sam: What? Dean: Awkward. Sam: Where in the hell were you? Dean: Working my imaginary case. Sam: Yeah? And? Dean: Well, you were right, I didn't find much. (Sam nods, sympathetic) Yeah. Except Angela's boyfriend died last night. Slit his own throat. But, you know, that's normal. Uh, let's see, what else. Oh, he was seeing Angela everywhere before he died. But you know, I'm sure that's just me transferring my own feelings. Sam: Okay, I get it. I'm sorry, maybe there is something going on here. Dean: Maybe? Sam, I know how to do my job, despite what you might think. Sam: We should check out the guy's apartment. Dean: I just came from there. Pile of d*ad plants, just like the cemetery. Hell, d*ad goldfish too. Sam: So, unholy ground? Dean: Maybe. I'm still not getting that powerful angry spirit vibe from Angela. (he gets up, crosses the room to pick up a pink book.) I have been reading this, though. Sam: You stole the girl's diary? Dean: Yeah, Sam. And if anything the girl's a little too nice. Sam: So what do you want to do? Dean: Keep digging, talk to more of her friends. Sam: You get any names? Dean: Are you kidding me? I have her bestest friend in the whole wide world. EXT. Neil's HOUSE - DAY Neil: I didn't realize the college employed grief counselors. Dean: Oh yeah. Yeah, you talk, we listen. Or maybe throw in a little therapeutic collage, whatever jump-starts the healing. Neil: Well, I think I'm okay. Thanks. Sam: Well, you heard what happened to Matt Harrison, right? Neil: Yeah, I did. Sam: Well, we just wanted to make sure you were okay. Grief can make people do crazy things. Neil: Look, I'm sorry about what happened to him. I am. But if Matt k*lled himself it wasn't 'cause of grief. Dean: No? Then why? Neil: It was guilt. Angie's death was Matt's fault and he knew it. Sam: How was Matt responsible? Neil: Well, she really loved that guy. But the night of the accident she walked in on him with another girl. She was really torn up, that's why she crashed the car. Um, look, I gotta get ready for work, so thanks for the concern, but... seriously, I'll be okay. Dean turns and looks significantly at Sam. EXT. STREET - DAY Dean and Sam walk away from the house. Dean: Well, that vengeful spirit theory's starting to make a little more sense, I mean, hell hath no fury... Sam: So if Angela got her revenge on Matt, you think it's over? Dean: Well, there's one way to be sure. Sam: Yeah? What's that? They get in the car. Dean: Burn the bones. Sam: Burn the bones? Are you high? (Dean thinks about that.) Angela died last week! Dean: So? Sam: So, there's not gonna be bones. There's gonna be a ripe, rotting body in the coffin. Dean: Since when are you afraid to get dirty. Huh? EXT. GRAVEYARD - NIGHT Dean and Sam dig at Angela's gravesite. Standing on the coffin, Dean clears the rest of the dirt off and turns to Sam. Dean: Ladies first. Sam: (handing Dean his flashlight) Hold that. Sam opens the coffin, wincing in preparation. It is empty. They look at each other. INT. Neil's HOUSE - NIGHT Neil goes down to the basement to find Angela waiting for him. She is pale. She turns and smiles at him. Angela: I missed you. She crosses the room and kisses him. He kisses her back. END ACT TWO EXT. GRAVEYARD - NIGHT Dean and Sam are still in the freshly dug grave, staring at Angela's empty coffin. Dean: They buried the body four days ago. Sam: I don't get it. (he sees something carved into the inside of the coffin.) Look. Dean: What is that? Sam: I'm not sure. Dean: I've seen these kind of symbols before. EXT. Dr. Mason's OFFICE - DAY Dean pounds heavily on the door. He's very agitated. Sam: Dean. Take it easy, okay? Dr. Mason opens the door. Dr. Mason: You're Angie's friends, right? Sam: (gently) Dr. Mason... Dean: (harshly) We need to talk. Dr. Mason: Come in. Sam: Thanks. INT. Dr. Mason's OFFICE - DAY Dean: You teach Ancient Greek. Tell me, what are these? He shows Dr. Mason the paper on which he's copied the symbols from the grave. Dr. Mason: I don't understand. You said this had something to do with Angela. Dean: It does. Please, just humor me. Dr. Mason: They're part of an ancient Greek divination ritual. Dean: Used for necromancy, right? Dr. Mason: That's right. Dean: See, before we came over here we stopped by the library and did a little homework ourselves. Apparently they used rituals like this one for communicating with the d*ad. Even bringing corpses back to life. Full-on zombie action. Dr. Mason: Yes. I mean, according to the legends. Now, what's all this about? Sam, watching Dr. Mason's face, is having doubts. Dean pushes on. Dean: I think you know. Sam: Dean. Dean: Look, I get it. Okay? There are people that I would give anything to see again. But what gives you the right? Sam: Dean! Dr. Mason: What are you talking about? Dean: What's d*ad should stay d*ad! Sam: Stop it! Dean: What you brought back isn't even your daughter anymore. These things are vicious, they're violent, they're so nasty they rot the ground around them. I mean, come on, haven't you seen Pet Cemetery? Dr. Mason: You're insane. Dean: Where is she? Dr. Mason: Get out of my house. He starts dialing the phone; Dean knocks it out of his hand. Dean: I know you're hiding her somewhere. Where is she?! Sam: Dean! Stop, that's enough! Dean, look! (He grabs Dean's jacket, points to a row of plants by the window.) Beautiful, living plants. (to Dr. Mason) We're leaving. Dr. Mason: I'm calling the police. Dean pulls out of Sam's grip and storms for the door. Sam: Sir, we're sorry. We won't bother you again. (They leave) EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY Dean strides down the steps and along the sidewalk, Sam following. Sam: What the hell is the matter with you, Dean? Dean: Back off. Sam: That man is innocent! He didn't deserve that! Dean: Okay, so she's not here, maybe he's keeping her somewhere else. Sam: Stop it! That's enough, okay? Enough! Dean: Sam, I know what I'm doing. Sam: No, you don't. At all. Dean, I don't scare easy, but man, you're scaring the crap out of me. Dean: Don't be overdramatic, Sam. Sam: You're lucky this turned out to be a real case. Because if it wasn't you would have just found something else to k*ll. Dean: Wha- Sam: You're on edge, you're erratic - except for when you're hunting, because then you're downright scary. You're tailspinning, man. And you refuse to talk about it and you won't let me help you. Dean: I can take care of myself, thanks. Sam: No, you can't. And you know what? You're the only one who thinks you should have to. You don't have to handle this on your own, Dean, no one can. Dean: (overlap) Sam, if you bring up Dad's death one more time I swear... Sam: (overlap) Stop. Please, Dean, it's k*lling you. Please. We've already lost Dad. We've lost Mom. I've lost Jessica. And now I'm going to lose you too? Dean: We better get out of here before the cops come. (Sam frowns at him.) I hear you. Okay? Yeah, I'm being an ass. I'm sorry. But right now we've got a friggin' zombie running around, and we need to figure out how to k*ll it. (Sam laughs.) Right? Sam: Our lives are weird, man. Dean: You're telling me? Come on. INT. Neil's HOUSE - NIGHT d*ad!Angela is sitting on Neil's couch, Neil is standing nearby. Angela: Honey, is something bothering you? Neil: It's about Matt. Angela: Haven't we already talked about that? Neil: I know, but uh... Angela: Haven't we wasted enough time on him already? Come sit down. (he does) You always said that he didn't deserve me. You were right. Neil: Angela, you didn't get out, and go see Matt, or... Angela: I've been here the whole time. Neil. You really think I could do something like that? Neil: No. I don't know. I can't help it, you just, you seem - Angela: Different? Right. I am. I've realized you're the only one who ever really loved me. You proved it. You brought me back. I'm with you now. Isn't that what you always wanted? INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Dean is pacing, Sam sitting on the bed with John's journal. Dean: We can't just waste it with a head sh*t? Sam: Dude. You've been watching way too many Romero flicks. Dean: You're telling me there's no lore on how to smoke 'em. He goes to sit at the table by the window. Sam: No, Dean, I'm telling you there's too much. I mean, there's a hundred different legends on the walking d*ad, but they all have different methods for k*lling them. (He joins Dean at the table) Some say setting them on f*re, uh, one said, where is it? Right here. Feeding their hearts to wild dogs. That's my personal favorite. I mean, who knows what's real and what's myth? Dean: Is there anything they all have in common? Sam: No. But a few said silver might work. Dean: Silver's a start. Sam: Yeah. But now how are we going to find Angela? Dean: We've got to figure out the person who brought her back. Sam: Any ideas? Dean: I think if it's not her dad it might be that guy Neil. Sam: Neil? Dean: Yep. Dean stands and crosses the room to pick up the pink diary. Sam: How'd you come up with that? Dean: Well, you've got your journal, I've got mine. (reading) "Neil's a real shoulder to cry on, he so understands what I'm going through with Matt." There's more in here where that came from, it's got Unrequited Ducky Love written all over it. Sam: Yeah, but that doesn't mean he brought her back from the d*ad. Dean: Hmm. Did I mention he's Professor Mason's TA? Has access to all the Same books. INT. Neil's HOUSE - NIGHT Dean and Sam break in; the house is dark and quiet. Dean: Hello? Neil?! It's your grief counselors, we've come to hug. He pulls out a g*n, Sam looks at it. Sam: Silver b*ll*ts? Dean: Yeah, enough to make her rattle like a change purse. They start stalking through the house, Dean in the lead with the g*n out. They see wilted plants by a window. They find the entrance to the basement. Dean nods at it. Dean: Unless it's where he keeps his p*rn... Sam opens the door and Dean leads the way down the stairs to the room we saw earlier. It is empty. Dean: Sure looks like a zombie's den to me. Sam: Yeah. An empty one. You think Angela's going after somebody? Dean finds a loose grate and pulls it aside - it leads out, somewhere. Dean: Nah, I think she went out to rent Beaches. Sam: Look, smartass, she might k*ll someone. We gotta find her, Dean. Dean: Yeah. All right, she, uh, she clipped Matt because he was cheating, right? Sam: Yeah. Dean: Well, it takes two to, you know, have hardcore sex. (Sam tilts his head at him.) I don't know, it just seemed that, uh, Angela's roommate was broken up over Matt's death. I mean, like, really broken up. INT. Angela's HOUSE - NIGHT Lindsey is sitting in the dim house looking at a framed picture of Matt and Angela. She hears a noise, gets up and goes to the front door. Lindsey: Hello? She opens the door, sees nothing. She turns, and Angela is there. Angela grabs her by the hair; Lindsey screams. Angela: Hi honey, I'm home! END ACT THREE INT. Angela's HOUSE - NIGHT Lindsey breaks away from Angela, screaming. She runs into the kitchen; following, Angela picks up a pair of scissors from the counter. Angela: You know what you did! Lindsey: I'm sorry. I am so sorry! Angela: You're not sorry enough! Angela s*ab with the scissors; Lindsey ducks. Angela att*cks again and Lindsey goes down to the floor. As Angela advances, Lindsey kicks out, knocking Angela forward onto the scissors. She goes still. Lindsey gets up, cautiously shoves Angela's body over. The scissors are sticking out of her chest. Lindsey: God. Oh my god. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god... Angela's eyes open; she grabs Lindsey by the hair and pulls the scissors out. As she pulls them both to standing, readying the scissors to s*ab Lindsey, several sh*ts are fired and Angela convulses. Pan around to reveal Dean and Sam, just entering; Dean fires the g*n again, right in Angela's chest. She screams and bolts out the window; Dean follows. Sam runs to Lindsey. Sam: Gotcha. I gotcha. Dean comes back through the window. Dean: Damn, that d*ad chick can run. Sam: What now? Dean: I say we go have a little chat with Neil. EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT Dean is driving the Impala, Sam in the passenger's seat with the Journal open. Sam: So the silver b*ll*ts, they did something, right? Dean: Yeah, something, but not enough. What else you got? Sam: Um, okay, besides silver we have nailing the undead back into their gravebeds. It's mentioned a few times. It's probably where the whole vampire staking lore comes from. Dean: Their gravebeds? Sam: Yeah. Dean: Are you serious? And how the hell are we going to get Angela back to the cemetery? INT. Neil's OFFICE - NIGHT Neil is sitting in the dark, nervous. Dean and Sam enter. Neil: What are you guys doing here? Dean: You know, I've heard of people doing some pretty desperate things to get laid, but you - you take the cake. Neil: Okay. Who are you guys? Dean: You might want to ask Angela that question. Neil: What? Sam: We know what you did. The ritual? Everything. Neil: You're crazy. Dean: Your girlfriend's past her expiration date and we're crazy? When someone's gone they should stay gone. You don't mess with that kind of stuff. Sam: Angela k*lled Matt. She tried to k*ll Lindsey. Neil: I don't know what you're talking about. Dean stomps over to the other side of the desk and hauls Neil up by the collar. Dean: Hey! No more crap, Neil. This blood is on your hands. Now. Me and him can make this right, but you've gotta tell us where she is. Tell us! Neil: My house. She's at my house. Dean lets him go, then sees several potted plants by the window. They're d*ad. He looks at Neil. Dean: You sure about that? Neil nods, looking around nervously. Dean looks past him to see a closet. He raises his voice slightly. Dean: Listen. It doesn't really matter where she is. There's only one way to stop her. We've got to perform another ritual over her grave, to reverse the one that you did. We're going to need some black root, some, some scar weed, some candles... It's very complicated, but it'll get the job done. She'll be d*ad again in a couple hours. I think you should come with us. (Significantly) I'm serious, Neil. Leave with us. Right now. Neil: No. No. Dean leans in, lowering his voice again. Dean: Listen to me. Get out of here as soon as you can. But most of all, be cool. No sudden movements. Don't make her mad. (to Sam) Let's go. Swallowing hard, Neil goes to the closet and opens it. Angela is there. Neil: You said you'd stay in the house. Angela: Sorry. I just needed to see you. Neil, please. You have to help me. She lowers her arms to show the s*ab and b*llet wounds. He cringes. Neil: Oh, god. Angela: Come with me to the cemetery. Neil, they're trying to k*ll me. We have to stop them. Neil: You mean k*ll them. (She nods.) It's true. Matt and Lindsey. Angela: They hurt me! If you love me you'll make sure nobody hurts me again. Take me to the cemetery. And then all this will be over. We can start new lives, together. Neil: (nodding) Okay. God help me, but okay. I'll go get the car. Just, just wait here. He leaves. He makes it down to: EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT At his car, Neil is panting . He drops the keys when he tries to open the car; as he stands, Angela is there. Angela: Neil, you look nervous. Neil: No, I'm, I'm fine. Angela: Were you going to leave me? Neil: No, of course not. Angela: You were, weren't you?! How could you? Neil, I loved you! Neil: Angela - She grabs his head and wrenches it; with a crunch, his neck breaks and he falls to the ground d*ad. EXT. GRAVEYARD - NIGHT Around Angela's grave, Dean and Sam are lighting candles. Sam: You really think this is going to work? Dean: No, not really. But it was the only thing I could come up with. They hear a noise, nod to each other. Sam stands and pulls a g*n from the small of his back. He stalks in the direction of the sound. Some distance away, he freezes, hearing something behind him. He turns, and points the g*n at Angela. Angela: Wait! It's not what you think. I didn't ask to be brought back. But it's still me. I'm still a person. Please. Sam fires the g*n, hitting her square in the forehead. She screams, her head snapping back. Then he bolts back towards the grave. She tackles him, and he lands hard on the ground; she twists his head back. Dean fires at her, startling her back to standing. He sh**t her several more times until she falls straight back into the open grave, landing in the empty coffin. Dean grabs a long metal stake (sword?) and runs to the grave, sliding the last length on his knees and diving into the coffin. He buries the stake in her chest, pinning her in. She screams, then goes limp. Dean pulls back, panting. Dean: What's d*ad should stay d*ad. END ACT FOUR EXT. GRAVEYARD - MORNING Dean and Sam pat down the dirt over the grave. Sam: Rest in peace. Dean: Yeah. For good this time, okay? They turn away, heading for the car. Sam grunts as he lifts the shovel over one shoulder. Sam: You know, that whole fake ritual thing, luring Angela into the cemetery? Pretty sharp. Dean: Thanks. Sam: But did we have to use me as bait? Dean: I figured you were more her type. You know, she had pretty crappy taste in guys. Sam: I think she broke my hand. Dean: (laughing) You're just too fragile. We'll get it looked at later. He turns back to Mary's grave, pausing. Sam: You want to stay for a while? Dean: No. They drop their things in the trunk of the car and get in, Dean in the driver's side. They pull out of town to: EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY Driving along, Dean is scowling. Sam looks at him, concerned. Dean pulls the car across the road to stop in the opposite shoulder. He gets out and sits on the hood. Sam follows. Sam: Dean, what is it? Dean: I'm sorry. Sam: You - for what? Dean: The way I've been acting. (Sam crosses to sit on the hood, close but not touching.) And for Dad. He was your dad too. And it's my fault he's gone. Sam: What are you talking about? Dean: I know you've been thinking it - so have I. Doesn't take a genius to figure it out. Back at the hospital, I made a full recovery. It was a miracle. And five minutes later Dad's d*ad and the Colt's gone. Sam: Dean. Dean: You can't tell me there's not a connection there. I don't know how the demon was involved; I don't know how the whole thing went down exactly. But Dad's d*ad because of me. And that much I do know. Sam: We don't know that. Not for sure. Dean: Sam. (He starts crying) You and Dad... you're the most important people in my life. And now... I never should have come back, Sam. It wasn't natural. And now look what's come of it. I was d*ad. And I should have stayed d*ad. You wanted to know how I was feeling. Well, that's it. (Sam nods.) So tell me. What could you possibly say to make that all right? Pan out to reveal the two of them, still not quite touching, leaning against the hood of the car on the side of a mountain road. END EPISODE transcript by gelasius 10/20/06

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x04 - Children Shouldn't Play with d*ad Things"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 26 Oct 2006 EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Fade into sh*t of a clock tower, reading 12:21. Pan down to a smiling, late-middle aged man (Dr. Jennings), walking down the sidewalk. His cell phone rings; he picks it up. Dr. Jennings: Hello. Yeah. White-flash image of a g*n barrel raising. Dr. Jennings: All right. Cut to another image of Dr. Jennings cocking a g*n. Back to Dr. Jennings' face; he lowers the phone slowly. A city bus with a triangular Blue Ridge logo on the front passes. He smiles, turns, and continues walking. Across the street he enters a sports equipment shop and approaches a man leaning against a counter reading g*n magazine. Dr. Jennings: Afternoon, Dennis. Dennis: Hey, Doc. Dr. Jennings: I'd like to look at a g*n. Dennis: (laughing) Yeah, right, doc. Dr. Jennings just looks at him Dennis: Seriously? He crosses behind the counter in front of a display of g*n. Dr. Jennings looks around, then points. Dr. Jennings: That one. Dennis unlocks the display and pulls out the indicated g*n. Dennis: Okay. That's a turkey hunter, twelve gauge, pump action. Doesn't leave enough turkey behind, if you ask me. Dr. Jennings: What sort of shells does it use? Dennis: (pulling a box from under the counter) Right here. I'm taking the boys up to the cabin this weekend if you're uh... I mean if you think you might like to take up the sport. Dr. Jennings: (taking a shell and starting to fit it into the g*n) Thanks, but no. You know g*n make me nervous, always have. This one goes in here, right? Dennis: Whoa, Doc! No, you can't load a w*apon on the premises, it's illegal! Dr. Jennings: It's okay, Dennis. Dennis: No, no. Dr. Jennings: It's okay, Dennis. It's all gonna be okay. He turns the g*n on Dennis and fires. Dennis: Doc! Dennis is hurled against the wall as the blast hits him. The other customers start to panic. Dr. Jennings: No, no, it's, it's okay. It's okay. It's all gonna be okay. He presses the g*n against his chin; pan up to a Sample sink hanging on the wall above his head; the g*n goes off again and the sink is splattered with blood. Cut to ... INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT Sam gasps. He is leaning over the sink in a dingy bathroom, the water running. White flashes from the previous scene cut across his vision. Sam: No... He runs a hand under the water and washes his face, scrubbing the hand through his hair. As he shuts the water off and looks up into the mirror, the door bursts open to reveal Dean. Dean: Sam, come on, zip it up. Let's h*t the... road. What? Close on Sam, breathing heavily and blinking. END Teaser TITLE CARD: SUPERNATURAL EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT Dean is driving the Impala, Sam in the passenger's seat, down a dark two-lane road. The radio is playing. Radio Announcer: Rockin' Nebraska. Your source for the classics, all night long. Dean: I don't know, man, why don't we just chill out, think about this. Sam: (shutting off the radio) What's there to think about? Dean: I just don't know if going to the Roadhouse is the smartest idea. Sam: Dean, it's another premonition. I know it. This is gonna happen, and Ash can tell us where. Dean: Yeah, man, but... Sam: Plus it could have some connection with the demon. My visions always do. Dean: That's my point. There's gonna be hunters there, I don't know if, if, if going in and announcing that you're some supernatural freak with a, a demonic connection is the best thing, okay? Sam: So I'm a freak now? Dean: (slapping Sam on the thigh) You've always been a freak. INT. ROADHOUSE - NIGHT Jo is playing a sh**t arcade game as an older man (Ed) watches. She hits every target, and he groans. Ed: Damn, little lady, that was my room money. Jo: (taking the money he pulls out) Well, I guess you're taking a truck nap tonight. As she walks away, pleased with herself, Ellen walks over. Ellen: Oughta check the high scores before you put your money down. She presses a button on the game and a list of high scores - all reading "Player: Jo" scrolls across the screen. Ellen: You went and got yourself hustled, Ed. Dean and Sam enter, passing two men at a table cleaning w*apon. Dean almost runs into Jo, who stops, smiling. Jo: Just can't stay away, huh? Dean: Yeah, looks like. How you doin', Jo? Sam: (hurried) Where's Ash? Jo: In his back room. Sam: (brushing past her) Great. Jo: And I'm fine... Dean: Sorry, he's, we're... kind of on a bit of a timetable. INT. BACK ROOM - NIGHT Sam approaches a rough wooden door with a sign hanging on it that reads: Dr. BADASS IS: IN Sam: (knocking on the door) Ash? Hey, Ash? Dean: (also knocking) Hey, Dr. Badass? The door is unlatched and opened a crack to reveal Ash, who is naked. Dean averts his eyes. Ash: Sam? Dean? Sam and Dean. Sam: Hey Ash. Um. We need your help. Ash: Well, hell then. Guess I need my pants. He shuts the door; Sam and Dean go back to: INT. ROADHOUSE - NIGHT Ash is sitting at a table with his laptop open, looking at the hand-drawn sketch of the bus logo from Sam's vision. Sam sits across from him; Dean stands behind. Ash: Well, I got a match. It's the logo from the Blue Ridge bus lines in Guthrie, Oklahoma. Sam: Okay. Do me a favor - check Guthrie for any demonic signs, or omens, or anything like that. Ash: You think the demon's there? Sam: Yeah, maybe. Ash: Why would you think that? Dean: Just check it, all right? Ash gives him a Look; Dean and Sam frown at each other. Ash: No, sir, nothing. No demon. Sam: All right, try something else for me. Search Guthrie for a house f*re. It would be 1983, f*re's origin would be a baby's nursery, night of the kid's six month birthday. Ash looks at him, startled, and Dean looks around to check for eavesdroppers. Jo, cleaning a table nearby, is watching them. Ash: Okay, now that is just weird, man. Why the hell would I be looking for that. Sam pulls out a beer bottle and sets it next to the laptop. Sam: 'Cause there's a PBR in it for ya. Ash: Give me fifteen minutes. LATER Jo presses a few buttons on the jukebox and the opening chords to REO Speedwagon "Can't Fight This Feeling" play. Dean, sitting at the bar, looks horrified. Jo carries a tray to the bar and sets it down, catching his eye. (LYRICS) I can't fight this feeling any longer. And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow. What started out as friendship, Has grown stronger. I only wish I had the strength to let it show. I tell myself that I can't hold out forever. I said there is no reason for my fear. Cause I feel so secure when we're together. You give my life direction, You make everything so clear... Jo: What? Dean: REO Speedwagon? Jo: Damn right REO. Kevin Cronin sings it from the heart. Dean: He sings it from the hair. There's a difference. Jo: That profile you've got Ash looking for? Dean: Hmm. Jo: Your mom died the Same way, didn't she? A f*re in Sam's nursery? Dean: Look, Jo, it's kind of a family thing. Jo: I could help. Dean: I'm sure you could. But we've got to handle this one ourselves. Besides, if I ran off with you I think your mother might k*ll me. Ellen, cleaning glasses behind the bar, looks at him. He smiles nervously. Jo: You're afraid of my mother? Dean: I think so. Sam: (hurrying up behind Jo) We have a match. We've gotta go. Dean: All right, Jo. See you later. INT. Impala - NIGHT The strains of "Can't Fight This Feeling" from the previous scene continue in Dean's voice, singing a capella. Dean: (singing) And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter night And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might... Sam: You're kidding, right? Dean: I heard the song somewhere, I can't get it out of my head, I don't know, man. Whaddya got? Sam: (looking at a stack of papers) Andrew Gallagher. Born in eighty three, like me. Lost his mother in a nursery f*re exactly six months later, also like me. Dean: You think the demon k*lled his mom? Sam: Sure looks like it. Dean: How did you even know to look for this guy? Sam: Every premonition I've had, if they're not about the demon they're about the other kids the demon visited. Like Max Miller, remember him? Dean: Yeah, but Max Miller was a pasty little psycho. Sam: The point is he was k*lling people. And I was having the Same type of visions about him. And now it could be happening all over again with this Gallagher guy. Dean: How do we find him? Sam: Don't know. No current address, no current employment. He still owes money on all his bills - phone, credit, utilities... Dean: Collection agency flags? Sam: None in the system. Dean: They just let him take a walk? Sam: Seems like it. There's a work address from his last W-2, about a year ago. Let's start there. INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY Close sh*t on coffee being poured into a cup by Tracy. Sam and Dean, in suits, are sitting at a table. Tracy: You won't get anything out of Andy, guys. I'm sorry, but they never do. Sam: "They"? Tracy: You're debt collectors, right? Once in a while they come by. I don't know what Andy says to them, but they never come back. Dean: Actually we're, we're Lawyers. Representing his Great Aunt Leta. She passed, God rest her soul, and left Andy a sizable estate. Sam: Yeah. So are you a friend of his? Tracy: I used to be, yeah. I don't see much of Andy anymore. Weber: Andy? Andy kicks ass, man. Dean: Is that right? Weber: Yeah. Andy can get you into anything. He even got me backstage at Aerosmith once, it was beautiful, bro. Tracy: How about bussing a table or two, Weber? Weber: Yeah. You bet, boss. Tracy: Look, if you want to find him, try Orchard Street. Just look for a van with a barbarian queen painted on the side. Dean: Barbarian queen? Tracy: She's riding a polar bear. It's kind of hard to miss. EXT. ORCHARD STREET - DAY As Dean and Sam stake out Orchard Street, watching the aforementioned van-with-barbarian-queen, the song "Stonehenge" from Spinal Tap plays. (LYRICS) Stonehenge where the demons dwell Where the banshees live and they do live well Stonehenge Where a man is a man and the children dance to the pipes of pan Dean: I'm sorry, I'm starting to like this dude. That van is sweet. (looking at Sam) What's wrong? Sam: Nothing. Dean: Sam, you look like you're sucking on a lemon, what's going on? Sam: This Andrew Gallagher, he's the second guy like this we've found, Dean. Demon came to them when they were kids, now they're k*lling people. Dean: We don't know what Andrew Gallagher is, all right? He could be innocent. Sam: My visions haven't been wrong yet. Dean: What's your point? Sam: My point is, I'm one of them. Dean: No, you're not. Sam: Dean, the demon said he had plans for me and children like me. Dean: Yeah? Sam: Yeah, maybe this is his plan, maybe we're all a bunch of psychic freaks, maybe we're all supposed to be — Dean: What, K*llers? Sam: Yeah. Dean: So the demon wants you out there k*lling with your minds, is that it? Come on, give me a break. You're not a m*rder, Sam! You don't have it in your bones. Sam: No? Last I checked, I k*ll all kinds of things. Dean: Those things were asking for it. There's a difference. Dean looks out the window, away from Sam. Andy exits a building, wearing a pajamas and a long satin robe embroidered with dragons. "STONEHENGE" continues over the following. (LYRICS) Stonehenge Tis a magic place where the moon doth rise with a dragon's face Stonehenge Where the virgins lie And the prayer of devils fill the midnight sky And you my love, won't you take my hand We'll go back in time to that mystic land Where the dew drops cry and the cats meow I will take you there I will show you how Sam: Got him. A woman in a second-story window waves to Andy, who blows her a kiss. Andy greets a man on the street, who smiles at him and hands Andy his coffee. Further along, Andy greets Dr. Jennings and shakes his hand. Sam: That's him. That older guy, that's him, that's the sh**t. Dean: All right, you keep on him, I'll stick with Andy. Go. Sam gets out of the car and follows Dr. Jennings on foot. Andy gets in his van and drives off, Dean following in his car. A few minutes later, Andy stops and gets out of the van, walking back to Dean, who tucks a g*n into his jacket. Andy: Hey. Dean: Hey hey. Andy: This is a cheery ride. Dean: Yeah, thanks. Andy: Man, the '67? Impala's best year if you ask me. This is a serious classic. Dean: Yeah. You know, I just rebuilt her, too. Andy: Yeah? Dean: Yeah, can't let a car like this one go. Andy: Damn straight. Hey. Can I have it? Dean: Sure, man. Dean gets out of the car, smiling, to let Andy in the driver's side. Andy: Sweet. Dean: Hop right in there. There ya go. Andy: Take it easy. Dean: All right. Andy drives off in the Impala, leaving Dean standing in the street, looking confused. EXT. ANOTHER STREET - DAY Sam watches Dr. Jennings from a short distance; Dr. Jennings' cell phone rings, just like in the vision, and he answers it. Dr. Jennings: Hello. Yeah. Sam sees the BLUE RIDGE bus approach, and crosses in front of it towards the sporting goods store. He runs up the steps and inside, looking around. He sees the clerk and bystanders from his vision. He turns and pulls the f*re alarm. Dr. Jennings approaches the store, but hearing the alarm go off he stops, confused, then turns and walks away. Sam leaves the store and goes down to the street, where he sees Andy drive by in the Impala. He stares in shock. Dr. Jennings gets another cell phone call. Dr. Jennings: Hello? Yeah? All right. Sam: (on his cell phone) Dean! Andy's got the Impala! Dean: I know! He just sorta asked me for it and I, I let him take it. Sam: You what? Dean: He full-on Obi-Wanned me. It's mind control, man! Sam watches in horror as Dr. Jennings walks in front of a bus, which slams into him at full speed. END ACT ONE EXT. STREET - DAY As paramedics put Dr. Jennings' into a body bag, Sam sits on the curb nearby. Dean crouches behind him, hand on his back. Sam: I kept him out of the g*n store. I thought he was okay. I thought he was past it, at least... I should have stayed with him. INT. DINER - DAY Weber is busing dishes as Andy enters, looking upset. Weber: Andy! Whassup, dog? He raises a hand to high-five Andy, who ignores him and heads for Tracy. Tracy: Andy! What are you doing here? Andy: Doctor Jennings.. he's d*ad. Tracy: Oh no, I'm sorry. Andy: I don't know, I, I, was, I was upset, and I wanted to see you. Tracy: (putting her hands on his) Well, I'm glad you did. I um, I missed you. Oh, you know what? Some guys were here this morning looking for you. Andy: What guys? EXT. STREET - DAY Close sh*t through the interior of the Impala as Sam and Dean approach from across the street. Dean: Thank god! Oh. I'm sorry, baby. I'll never leave you again. Well, at least he left the keys in it. Sam: Yeah. Real Samaritan, this guy. Dean: Well, it looks like he can't work his mojo just by twitching his nose, he's gotta use verbal commands. Sam: The Doctor had just gotten off his cell phone when he stepped in front of that bus. Andy must have called him or something. Dean: I don't know, maybe. Sam: Beg your pardon? Dean: I just don't know if he's our guy, Sam. Sam: Dean, you had O.J. convicted before he got out of his white Bronco and you have doubts about this? Dean: He just doesn't seem like the stone-cold k*ller type, that's all. You know. And O.J. was guilty. Sam: Either way, how are we going to track this guy down? Dean: (thinking) Not a problem. EXT. ANOTHER STREET - DAY Dean and Sam approach Andy's blue van from the back. Dean: Not exactly an inconspicuous ride. Let's have a look. Dean pulls a small crowbar out of his jacket and pries open the back door. p*rn music plays as the interior is revealed: disco ball, fur rugs, a tiger painted on the wall, several thick books, and an enormous bong. Dean: Oh. Oh, come on. This is... this is magnificent, that's what this is. Not exactly a serial k*ller's lair, though. There's no... clown paintings on the walls, or scissors stuck in victims' photos. I like the tiger. Sam: (looking at the books) Hegel, Kant, Wittgenstein? That's some pretty heavy reading, Dean. Dean: Yeah, and uh, and Moby Dick's bong. EXT. VACANT LOT - DAY Dean and Sam are sitting in the parked Impala. Dean is eating something in a foil wrapper as Sam studies a stack of papers. Dean: Ugh. You know, one day I'd love to just sit down and eat something I didn't have to microwave at a minimart. Sam: What I don't get is the motive. I mean, the Doctor was squeaky clean, why would Andy waste him? Dean: If it is Andy. Sam: Dude, enough. Dean: What? Sam: The Doctor was mind-controlled in front of a bus. Andy just happens to have the power of mind control. You do the math. Dean: I just don't think the guy's got it in him, that's all. Sam: Well, how the hell would you know? I mean, why are you bending over backwards defending him? Dean: 'Cause you're not right about this. Sam: About Andy? Andy appears suddenly at Sam's (open) window, slamming his hands down and leaning in. Andy: Hey! You think I haven't seen you two? Why are you following me? The last sentence reverberates strangely; Dean looks stunned. Sam: (calmly) Well, we're Lawyers. See, a relative of yours has passed aw- Andy: (echoing) Tell the truth! Sam: That's what I'm - Dean: We hunt demons. Andy: What? Sam: Dean! Dean: Demons and spirits. Things your worst nightmares wouldn't even touch. Sam here, he's my brother. Sam: Dean, shut up! Dean: I'm trying. He's psychic. Kind of like you. Well, not really like you, but see, he thinks you're a m*rder, and he's afraid that he's going to become one himself, 'cause you're all part of something that's terrible. And I hope to hell that he's wrong, but I'm starting to get a little scared that he might be right. Andy: Okay, you know what? Just leave me alone. Dean: Okay. Andy: All right? Dean cringes, holding his head, as Sam gets out of the car, following Andy. Andy: What are you doing? Look, I, I said leave me alone. All right? Get out of here, just start driving and never stop. Sam: Doesn't seem to work on me, Andy. Andy: What? Sam: You can make people do things, can't you? You can tell them what to think. Dean has gotten out of the car; Sam holds up a hand, warning him not to come closer. Andy: That... that's crazy. Sam: It all started about a year ago, didn't it? After you turned twenty two. Little stuff at first, and then you got better at controlling it. Andy: How do you know all this? Sam: Because the Same thing happened to me, Andy. My mom died in a f*re, too. I have abilities too. You see, we're connected, you and me. Andy: You know what? Just, just, just, just get out of here, all right?! Sam: Why did you tell the Doctor to walk in front of a bus? Andy: What? Sam gets a vision-flash of f*re, and a hand holding a gas pump. He cringes. The vision continues in pieces as he tries to focus on Andy. Sam: Why did you k*ll him? Andy: I didn't! Sam cringes again as the vision hits with full force: EXT. GAS STATION - DAY A middle-aged blond woman (Holly) with leather gloves and a long black coat is pumping gas into an SUV. Her cell phone rings; she answers. Holly: Hello? (Flash of f*re, a man shying away from it.) Sure. I can do that. She hangs up the phone and leans into the car, pressing down the cigarette lighter. She pulls out the gas pump and starts drenching herself in gasoline. A gas station employee across the way sees her. Man: Hey! Lady, what are you doing?! Holly pulls the cigarette lighter out and steps into the open, holding her arms out. Holly: It's gonna be okay. She lowers the cigarette lighter to her drenched arm. Man: Lady, no! No! She bursts into flames as the man watches in horror. The vision ends and we cut back to Sam. END ACT TWO Sam, hands on his head, starts to fall; Dean runs over to catch him and lowers him gently to the asphalt. Dean: Sam? What is it? Andy: Look, I didn't do anything to him. Sam: A woman. A woman burning alive. Dean: What else'd you get? Sam: A gas station, a woman is gonna k*ll herself. Andy: What does he mean, going to? What is he, what is - Dean: Shut up! Sam: She gets triggered by a call on her cell. Dean: When? Sam: I don't know. (Dean helps him stand) But as long as we keep our eyes on this son of a bitch he can't hurt her. Andy: I didn't hurt anybody. Sam: Yeah, not yet. A f*re engine roars past, sirens blaring. They turn to watch it. Sam: Go. Dean runs off to follow the siren; Andy tries to step past Sam, who stops him with a hand on his chest. Sam: No, not you. You're staying here with me. EXT. GAS STATION - DAY The firemen are putting out the f*re; Dean calls Sam on his cell. Dean: Hey, it's me. She's d*ad. b*rned up, just like you said. Sam: When? Dean: Like minutes before I got here, I mean the smell hasn't even cleared. What's up with your visions, man? This wasn't even a head start. Sam: I don't know, all right? I can't control them, I don't know what the hell is going on. Dean: Listen, you were with Andy when this whole thing went down, so it, it can't be him, it's gotta be somebody else doing this. Sam: That doesn't make any sense. Dean: What else is new? Well, I'll dig around here, see what else I can find. EXT. VACANT LOT - DAY Sam and Andy sit across from each other on an abandoned truck. Andy: So you get these premonitions of people about to die? (Sam nods) That's impossible. Sam: (laughing) A lot of people would say the Same thing about what you do. Andy: But... death visions. Sam: Yeah. Andy: Dude, that sucks. I mean, like, when I got my mind thing? It was like a gift, you know, it was, it was like I won the Lotto. Sam: But you still live in a van. I don't get it, I mean, you could, you could have anything you ever wanted. Andy: I mean, I, I got everything I need. Sam: So you're really not a k*ller, huh? Andy: (laughing) That's what I've been trying to tell you! Sam: That's good. Means there's hope for both of us. Dean pulls up in the Impala, and Sam and Andy stand. Dean gets out of the car. Dean: Victim's name was Holly Becket, forty one, single. Sam: (to Andy) Who is she? Andy: I've never heard of her. Dean: Called Ash on the way over here, he came up with a little something. Apparently Holly Becket gave birth when she was eighteen years old, back in 1983. Same day you were born, Andy. Sam: Andy, were you adopted? Andy: Well, yeah. Dean: You were? And you neglected to mention that? Andy: Never really came up. I mean, I, I never knew my birth parents, and, and like you said my adopted mom died when I was a baby - do you, do you think this Holly woman could actually be my m- Dean: I don't know. I tried to get a copy of the birth records, but they're hard copy only, sealed in the county office. Andy: Well, screw that. INT. RECORDS OFFICE - NIGHT As Sam and Dean go through boxes of files, Andy walks an elderly security guard to the door. Guard: Probably shouldn't have left you kids in here. Andy: No, it'll all be fine. All right? Just go get a cup of coffee. (as the guard leaves, he continues in a dramatic voice) These aren't the 'droids you're looking for. Dean: (grinning) Awesome. Sam: I got it. Dean: Yeah? Sam: Yeah. Andy, it's true. Holly Becket was your birth mother. Andy: Huh. Does anyone have a Vicodin? Sam: Dr. Jennings was her Doctor, too, I mean, he oversaw the adoption. You have a solid connection to both of them. Andy: Yeah, but I didn't k*ll them. Dean: We believe you. Sam: Yeah. Dean: But uh, who did? Sam: I think I got a pretty good guess. Holly Becket gave birth to twins. LATER Andy sits with both hands on his head, staring straight ahead in shock. Dean is standing by a printer nearby, Sam is pacing with a folder in his hands. Andy: I have an evil twin. Sam: Holly put you and your brother up for adoption. And you went to the Gallagher family, obviously, and your brother went to the Weems family from upstate. Dean: Andy, how you doin'? Still with us? Andy: Um. What was my brother's name? Sam: Here. Um, Ansen Weems. He's got a local address. Andy: He lives here? Dean: Let's get a look at him. Got his picture coming off from the DMV right now. Dean pulls some papers out of the printer and looks at them in surprise. Dean: Hate to kick you while you're freaked. Take a look at that. He shows one of the pages to Andy, who looks up in shock. INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT The coffee shop is nearly empty; Weber and Tracy are closing up. Weber: Hey, Trace? Tracy: Yeah? Weber: You and Andy, you guys went together for a while, didn't you? Tracy: Yeah, Weber, why? Weber: I don't know, I was just wondering. I, I was wondering how you felt about him these days. I mean, I've seen you guys together, it seems like there's still something there. Just... were you guys ever, like, serious? Tracy: Um, no. Weber: Come on, Trace. (echoing) Tell the truth. EXT. ROAD - NIGHT Dean drives the Impala down a dark road with Sam next to him and Andy in the back seat. Sam: All right, Andy. Tell us everything you know about this guy. Andy: Well, I mean, not much. I... Weber shows up one day, eight months ago? Acting like he's my best friend in the world. Kinda weird, like, trying too hard, you know? Sam starts cringing, rubbing his eyes. Dean: Must have known you guys were twins. Why did he change his name? Why not just tell you the truth? Andy: No idea. Sam: Aah! Dean: Sam? Flashes of another vision come together into: EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT Tracy, wearing only satin lingerie, walks slowly to the side of a ravine. Crying, she climbs onto the ledge and looks around. She pauses, looking back, then leaps. Cut back to: INT. Impala - NIGHT Sam yells in panic, struggling with the door. Dean: Sam? Sam! Sam! He stops the car as Sam shoves the door open, leaning out. Dean gets out and runs around the car to kneel beside him, grabbing his shoulders. Dean: Hey. Hey! END ACT THREE EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT Weber drives onto the bridge from the last vision and pulls to a stop; Tracy is in the passenger's seat. He runs a hand slowly up her thigh. Weber: I take my ladies here. They like it. Well, I mean, I like it, so of course they do too. Tracy: (crying) Please, I just want to go home. Weber: Stop crying. (She does.) Hey. I get it. I see what you see in Andy, I mean, he's a genius. Books he reads? He's gonna be a great man someday. But he is my family, not yours. You can't have him. You're not gonna have anything after tonight. EXT. ROAD - NIGHT Near the BRIDGE, the Impala pulls to a stop. Sam and Dean get out and circle around to the trunk, which Dean opens. Sam: Dean, you should stay back. Dean: No argument here. Had my head screwed with enough for one day. Sam pulls out two g*n; as he walks forward he's stopped by Andy, who has gotten out of the car. Andy: I'm coming with you. Sam: Andy, no. Andy: Because it's Tracy out there, and I'm coming. INT. Weber's CAR - NIGHT Crying again, Tracy is unbuttoning her dress as Weber watches. Weber: Hey. Slower. Tracy? I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay? When we're done here, I want you to head over to the edge of that dam, okay? Tracy: Okay. Weber: And when you get there, you're gonna think you can fly. And you're just gonna step right off. You can fly, can't you? Tracy: Yeah. I think so. Weber: You might get scared, but I want you to say that it's okay. Just tell yourself, everything is okay. The window behind Weber's head shatters, and Sam shoves a g*n in his face. Sam: Get out of the car! Now! Weber: You really don't want to do this. Sam backhands him, hard. On the other side of the car, Andy opens the door and pulls Tracy out. Andy: Tracy! Come here, come here, come here. It's okay. Tracy: I can't control myself. Sam opens Weber's door and pulls him out of the car. He pins him facedown over the pavement with the g*n aimed at his head. Sam: Don't move. Don't move! Andy runs over to them and shoves a strip of duct tape over Weber's mouth. He rears back and kicks Weber twice, furious. Sam pushes him back. Sam: No! No, Andy, let me handle this, all right? Andy: I'm gonna k*ll you! Sam: No! I'll handle this, I'll handle this! Andy: I will k*ll you! Sam: Andy! Listen to me! Listen to me! Weber stares at Tracy, who picks up a large stick and hits Sam on the back of the neck with it. He goes down, unconscious. Andy turns to her as Weber stands up. Andy: Tracy, stop! I said STOP IT! She drops the stick and backs away, terrified. Andy turns back to Weber, who pulls the duct tape off his mouth. Andy: How did you do that? Weber: Practice, bro. If you'd just practice, you would know. Sometimes you don't need to use your words. If you have to, (tapping his forehead) all you need is this. Sometimes the headache's worth it. Andy: (grabbing Weber) You're a twisted son of a bitch! Weber: Back off, Andy. Or Tracy's gonna do a little flying. Andy turns in horror to see Tracy standing on the ledge. Weber: Aren't you, Trace? (to Andy) I'm stronger than you. I can do it. Andy: Okay, okay. Okay. All right, just... just please don't hurt her. Weber: Don't be mad at me, okay? I know, it's, it's all wrong. I didn't mean for this to happen, it's just... Tracy? She's trying to come between us. Andy: You're insane. Weber: She's garbage! Man, they all are! We can, we can push them, we can make them do whatever we want! Andy: Are you really... are you really this stupid? Weber: Wha- Andy: I mean, you, you learn you've got a twin... (Sam starts coming to) ... you call him up, you go out for a drink, you don't start k*lling people! Weber: I've wanted to tell you for so long, bro. But he didn't let me. He said I had to wait until the time was... Andy: Who? Weber: The man with the yellow eyes. Andy: What are you talking about? Weber: He came to me. In my dream. He said I was special. He told me he's got big plans for me. Wait 'till you see what's in store, Andy, for both of us! See, he's the one who told me I had a brother. A twin. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT Within sh**ting distance, Dean stalks to a hiding place with a sn*per r*fle. EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT Andy: Why did you k*ll our mother? Why, and why Dr. Jennings? Weber: Because they split us up! They ruined our lives, Andy! We could have been together this whole time. Instead of alone. I couldn't, I couldn't let them do that, I couldn't let them get away with that. No. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT Dean crouches in the shadows and lines up the sh*t. EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT Weber turns, hearing something. He peers into the distance, into Dean's hiding place. Weber: I see you. Bye-bye. EXT. WOODS - NIGHT Dean turns the r*fle up and tucks the barrel under his chin. Close on Tracy's face as a g*n goes off. Cut to Weber, who convulses; Andy has sh*t him in the back. Weber falls; Andy lowers the g*n, shaking. END ACT FOUR EXT. BRIDGE - MORNING Rescue and police crews have arrived on the scene. Andy is talking to three police officers, his stance confident. Sam is crouching by a wall, a paramedic tending to his shoulder. Dean stands at his side. Andy: He sh*t himself. And you all saw it happen. Policeman: Yeah. We did. Sam: Look at him. He's getting better at it. Andy passes an ambulance where Tracy is sitting, a blanket around her shoulders. She avoids his eyes. Andy approaches Sam and Dean. Andy: She won't even look at me. Sam: Yeah, she's pretty shaken up. Andy: No, it's, this is different. It's, uh, I never, I never used my mind thing on her before. Before last night. She's scared of me now. Sam: Hey, Andy, I hate to do this, but um, we have to get out of here. Here. I wrote down my cell. You don't have to be alone in this, all right? If anything comes up, just call me up. Andy: Wha- what am I supposed to do now? Dean: You be good, Andy. Or we'll be back. Sam: (as they walk away) Looks like I was right. Dean: About what? Sam: Andy. He's a k*ller after all. Dean: No, he's a hero. He saved his girlfriend's life, he saved my life. Sam: Bottom line, last night, he wasted somebody. Dean: Yeah, but he's not a foaming-at-the-mouth psycho. He was just, he was pushed into that. Sam: Weber was pushed too, in his own way. Max Miller was pushed. Hell, I was pushed by Jessica's death. Dean: What's your point, Sam? Sam: Right circumstances, everyone's capable of m*rder. Everyone. You know, maybe that's what the demon's doing. Pushing us. Finding ways to break us. Dean: Sam, we don't know what the demon wants, okay? Quit worrying about it. Sam: You know, I heard you before, Dean, when Andy made you tell the truth. You're just as scared of this as I am. Dean: That was mind control! I mean, it's like, that's like being roofied, man, that doesn't count. Sam: What? Dean: No. I'm, I'm calling do-over. Sam: What are you, seven? Dean: Doesn't matter. Look, we've just gotta keep doing what we're doing, find that evil son of a bitch and k*ll it. Sam: Yeah, I guess. Dean's cell rings. He picks it up. Dean: Hello? Ellen. What's going on? Yeah, we'll be right there. INT. ROADHOUSE - DAY Sam and Dean are sitting at the bar, Ellen behind it and Jo walking around the outside. Ellen: Jo? Jo: Hmm? Ellen: Go pull up another case of beer. Jo: Mom... Ellen: Now. Please. As Jo leaves, Ellen leans on the bar in front of Sam and Dean. Ellen: So. You uh, you want to tell me about this last hunt of yours? Dean: No. Not really. No offense, it's just kind of a family thing. Ellen: Not anymore. (dropping a stack of papers on the bar) I got this stuff from Ash. Andrew Gallagher's house burnt down on his six month birthday, just like your house. You think it was the demon both times, don't you? You think it went after Gallagher's family? Sam: Yeah, we think so. Dean: Sam... Ellen: Why? Dean: None of your business. Ellen: You mind your tongue with me, boy. This isn't just your w*r, this is w*r. Now, something big and bad's coming and it's coming fast, and their side holds all the cards. Now, at best all we got is us. Together. No secrets or half-truths here. Sam: There are people out there, like Andy Gallagher, like me. And um, we all have some kind of ability. Ellen: Ability? (Dean rolls his eyes, uncomfortable) Sam: Yeah. Psychic ability. Me, I have, um, I have visions. Premonitions. I don't know, it's different for everybody. The demon said he had plans for people like us. Ellen: What kind of plans? Sam: We don't really know for sure. Ellen: These people out there, these psychics. Are they dangerous? Dean: No. Not all of them. Sam: But some are. Some are very dangerous. Ellen: Okay, how many of them are we looking at? Dean: We've been able to track a clear pattern so far. They've all had house fires on the night of the kid's six month birthday. Sam: That's not true. Dean: What? Sam: Weber? Or Ansen Weems, or whatever his name is, I looked at his files, and there was no house f*re. Nothing out of the ordinary. Ellen: Which breaks pattern. So if there's any others like him, there'd be nothing in the system. No way to track 'em all down. Dean: And so who knows how many of 'em are really out there? Ellen: Jo honey? Jo: Yeah? Ellen: You'd better break out the whiskey instead. END EPISODE transcript by gelasius 11/02/06

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x05 - Simon Said"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 2 Nov 2006 EXT. PHILADELPHIA - NIGHT sh*ts of the city at night, closing in on an apartment building. The lights in an upper window are flickering. We zoom into: INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT A young blonde woman, Katie Burns, is talking on the phone while pacing under the flickering lights. She is annoyed. Katie: I checked the fuses. They're fine. It's the wiring. Look, you promised the place would be ready when I moved in. No. You come up now! Please. Thank you. She hangs up. She grimaces at something on the table, reaches out a finger and dabs it. It's a thick black goo. Katie: Gross. More goo drips on her shoulder. She looks up, getting scared. She goes over to the light switch by the wall, out of which the goo is oozing thickly. Katie: What the hell? She looks deeper into the light switch; a creepy, bloodshot eyes appears. She screams. TITLE CARD: SUPERNATURAL EXT. HARVELLE's ROADHOUSE - DAY Sam and Dean are getting out of the Impala, parked in front of the ROADHOUSE. Dean: Los Angeles, California. Sam: What's in L.A.? Dean: Young girl's been kidnapped by an evil cult. Sam: Yeah? Girl got a name? Dean: Katie Holmes. Sam: (laughs) That's funny. And for you, so bitchy. From inside the roadhouse comes the sound of breaking glass and shouting voices. Dean turns. Dean: Of course, on the other hand — catfight. They go into: INT. ROADHOUSE - DAY On the upper levels, Ellen and Jo are shouting. Sam and Dean enter cautiously. Ellen: I am your mother, I don't have to be reasonable! Jo: You can't keep me here! Ellen: Oh, don't you bet on that, sweetie. Jo: What are you going to do, are you going to chain me up in the basement? Ellen: You know what, you've had worse ideas than that recently. Hey, you don't wanna stay, don't stay. Go back to school. Jo: I didn't belong there! I was a freak with a Kn*fe collection. Ellen: Yeah, and getting yourself k*lled on some dusty back road, that's where you belong?! (she turns and sees the boys) Guys, bad time. Sam: Yes, ma'am. Dean: Yeah, we rarely drink before ten anyway. Jo: Wait. I wanna know what they think about this. A mom, a dad, and two kids under three, all wearing bright yellow t-shirts that read "Nebraska is for Lovers" enter. Ellen: I don't care what they think! Dad: Are you guys open? Jo: No! Ellen: Yes! Dad: We'll just... check out the Arby's down the road. They leave. The phone rings. Jo glares at it, then at Ellen, who stalks over to answer it. Ellen: Harvelle's. Yeah, preacher. Jo: Three weeks ago a young girls disappears from a Philadelphia apartment. (she shoves a file folder at Dean) Take it, it won't bite. Dean: No, but your mom might. She pinches her lips, still holding out the folder. He takes it reluctantly. Jo: And this girl wasn't the first. Over the past eighty years six women have vanished. All from the Same building, all young blondes. Only happens every decade or two so cops never eyeball the pattern. So we're either dealing with one very old serial k*ller, or — Dean: Who put this together? Ash? Jo: I did it myself. Dean: (impressed) Hmm. Sam: I gotta admit. We h*t the road for a lot less. Ellen: Good. You like the case so much, you take it. Jo: Mom! Ellen: Joanna Beth, this family has lost enough. And I won't lose you too. I just won't. EXT. PHILADELPHIA - DAY The Impala roars into town. They park in front of the apartment building from the Teaser. Close sh*t of a doorknob; it opens to reveal Sam, followed by Dean. They enter: INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY Sam: i feel kind of bad, snaking Jo's case. Dean: Yeah, maybe she put together a good file. But could you see her out here working one of these things? I don't think so. (Both pull out EMF readers) You getting anything? Sam: No, not yet. As Sam runs his reader over the light switch, it purrs. He leans over. Sam: What's that? Dean: What? Sam: (touching the goo) Holy crap. Dean: (also touching the goo) That's ectoplasm. Well, Sam, I think I know what we're dealing with here. It's the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man. Sam: (rolling his eyes) Dean, I've only seen this stuff, like, twice. I mean, to make this stuff you have to be one majorly pissed off spirit. Dean: All right, let's find this badass before he snags any more girls. They exit the apartment and walk down the hallway; hearing voices, they hide around a corner. Dean frowns as he realizes the woman's voice belongs to Jo. Jo: It's so convenient. Landlord: Yeah, it's a great building, fixed it up real nice. All the apartments come furnished, too. Jo: It is so spacious. You know, my friend told me I absolutely have to come check it out, and I have to admit, she was right. You did a really good job with this place. Dean: (stepping out) What the hell are you doing here? Jo: There you are, honey. (grabbing Dean around the waist) This is my boyfriend Dean and his buddy Sam. Landlord: Good to meetcha. Quite a gal you've got here. Dean: (smacking her ass) Oh yeah, she's a p*stol. Jo: So, did you already check out that apartment? The one for rent. Dean: Yeah. Yes. Loved it. Heh. Great flow. Landlord: How'd you get in? Dean: It was open. Jo: Now, Ed, um, when did the last tenant move out? Landlord: Oh, about a month ago. Cut and run, too. Stick me for the rent. Jo: Well. Her loss, our gain! 'Cause if Dean-o loves it, it's good enough for me. Dean: Oh, sweetie. (he smacks her again) Jo: (pulling out a wad of cash) We'll take it. INT. APARTMENT - DAY Jo: I'll flip you for the sofa. Dean: Does your mother even know you're here? Jo: Told her I was going to Vegas. Dean: You think she's gonna buy that? Jo: I'm not an idiot. I got Ash to lay a credit card trail all the way to the casinos. Dean: You know, you shouldn't lie to your mom. Shouldn't be here either. Jo: Well, I am. So untwist your boxers and deal with it. Sam: Where'd you get all that money from, anyways? Jo: Working, at the Roadhouse. Dean: Hunters don't tip that well. Jo: Well, they aren't that good at poker, either. Dean's cell phone rings. He answers it. Dean: Yeah. Ellen's Voice Is she with you? Dean: Oh, hi Ellen. Ellen: She left a note she's in Vegas. I don't believe it for a second. Dean: (holding the phone back, to Jo) I'm telling her. (they have a furious, muttered argument) Ellen's Voice Dean? Dean: I haven't seen her. Ellen's Voice You sure about that? Dean: Yeah, I'm sure. Ellen: Well, please. If she shows up, you'll drag her butt right back here, won't you? Dean: Absolutely. Ellen: Okay. Thanks, honey. Dean hangs up the phone; Jo grins cheerfully. LATER Dean is pacing, Jo sitting at the table with blueprints spread out. She's flipping a small Kn*fe around. Jo: This place was built in 1924. It was originally a warehouse, converted into apartments a few months ago. Dean: Yeah? What was here before 1924. Jo: Nothing. Empty field. Sam: So, most likely scenario, someone died bloody in the building, and now he's back and raising hell. Jo: I already checked. In the past eighty two years, zero violent deaths. Unless you count a janitor who slipped on a wet floor. (to Dean) Would you sit down, please? Dean: (sitting) So, have you checked police reports, county death records... Jo: Obituaries, mortuary reports and seven other sources. I know what I'm doing. Dean: I think the jury's still out on that one. Could you put the Kn*fe down? She does. Sam: Okay! So, uh, it's something else, then. Maybe some kind of cursed object that brought a spirit with it. Jo: Well, we've got to scan the whole building. Everywhere we can get to, right? Dean: Right. So. You and me, we'll take the top two floors. Jo: We'd move faster if we split up. Dean: Oh, this isn't negotiable. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER Jo and Dean are walking down a dim hallway with EMF readers. Jo: So. You gonna buy me dinner? Dean: What are you talking about? Jo: It's just if you're gonna ride me this close it's only decent you buy me dinner. Dean: Oh, that's hilarious. You know, it's bad enough I lied to your mom, but if you think I'm letting you out of my sight... I don't know if you've noticed, but you're kind of the spirit's type. Jo: Exactly. Dean: You wanna be bait? Jo: Quickest way to draw it out and you know it. Dean: Oh. Jo: What? Dean: I'm so regretting this. Jo: You know, I've had it up to here with your crap. Dean: Excuse me? Jo: Your chauvinist crap. You think women can't do the job. Dean: Sweetheart, this ain't gender studies. Women can do the job fine. Amateurs can't. You have no experience. What you do have is a bunch of half-baked romantic that some barflies put in your head. Jo: Now you sound like my mother. Dean: Oh, and that's a bad thing? Because let me tell you... Jo: What? Dean: Forget it. Jo: No, you started this. Dean: Jo, you've got options. No one in their right mind chooses this life. My dad started me in this when I was so young... I wish I could do something else. Jo: You love the job. Dean: Yeah, but I'm a little twisted. Jo: You don't think I'm a little twisted too? Dean: Jo, you've got a mother that worries about you. Who wants something more for you. Those are good things. You don't throw things like that away. Might be hard to find later. They approach a grating near the floor. As Jo stands in front of it, a dark hand slides through the holes towards her legs. She turns around, gasping. Dean: What? Jo: I'm not sure. Dean: You smell that? Jo: (sniffing) What is that, a gas leak? Dean: No. Something else. I know it. I just can't put my finger on it. Jo crouches by the grating; her EMF reader purrs. Dean: Mazel Tov. You just found your first spirit. Jo: It's inside the vent. Dean crouches beside her, shining his flashlight. He hands it to her. Dean: Here. He pulls out a screwdriver and unscrews the grating, pulling it off the wall. Dean: There's something in there. Here. He reaches his arm inside, feeling around. He pulls his hand out, holding a clump of blond hair. Dean: Somebody's keeping souvenirs. INT ANOTHER APARTMENT - NIGHT Another young blonde woman, Teresa ELLIS, enters her apartment, carrying mail. She drops her bag on the counter and starts opening a letter, muttering to herself. Goo drips from the ceiling onto the paper, which she tosses in the garbage. The lights flicker; looking up, she sees a large crack appear in the ceiling. Teresa: This building, I swear to God... A loud scraping sound pulls her eyes back up; a long crack is moving across the ceiling. Panicked, she picks up the phone, but gets only static. Teresa: Screw it, I'm out of here. She goes to the door and tries to open it, but can't. She looks down by a grating near the floor; the creepy slimy hands from earlier reach out and grab her legs. She screams as they pull her to the floor. END ACT ONE INT. APARTMENT - MORNING Dean is twisted up in a very awkward sleep-position on a leather sofa. Sirens sound nearby and he wakes, groaning. Jo is sitting at the table, twirling her Kn*fe and studying notes and blueprints. Jo: Morning, princess. Dean: Where's Sam? Jo: Went to get coffee. Dean gets up slowly, grimacing. Dean: Ugh. My back. How'd you sleep on that big soft bed? Jo: I didn't. Just been going over everything. He looks down at her, considering. He places a bag onto the table and pulls out a Bowie Kn*fe, unsnapping it from the sheath and handing it to her, hilt-first. Dean: Here. Jo: What's this for? Dean: Work a hell of a lot better than that little pig-sticker you're twirling around. Jo takes the Kn*fe, then hands him hers. He studies it, and sees engraved on the blade: W.A.H. He looks up at Jo, getting it. Jo: William Anthony Harvelle. Dean: I'm sorry. My mistake. He takes his Kn*fe back, sheathing it. Jo: What do you.. what do you remember about your dad? I mean, what's the first thing that pops into your head? (he shakes his head) Come on, tell me. Dean: (sitting) I was six or seven, and uh, he took me sh**ting for the first time. You know, balls on a fence, that kind of thing. I bulls-eyed every one of 'em. He gave me this smile, like... I don't know. Jo: He must have been proud. Dean: What about your dad? Jo: I was still in pigtails when my dad died, but I remember him coming home from a hunt. He'd burst through that door like, like Steve McQueen or something. And he'd sweep me up in his arms, and I'd breathe in that old leather jacket of his. And my mom, who was sour and pissed from the minute he left, she started smiling again. And we were... we were a family. You wanna know why I want to do the job? For him. It's my way of being close to him. Now tell me what's wrong with that. Dean: Nothing. Sam bursts through the door (like Steve McQueen or something). Dean: Where's the coffee? Sam: There are cops outside. Another girl disappeared. LATER Sam and Jo are studying the notes, a little more urgently than before. Dean returns, shutting the door. Dean: Teresa Ellis, Apartment 2F. Boyfriend reported her missing around dawn. Jo: And her apartment? Dean: Cracks all over the plaster, walls, ceiling. There was ectoplasm, too. Sam: Well, between that and that tuft of hair I'd say this sucker's coming from the walls. Dean: But who is it? Building's history is totally clean. Jo: (picking up a photograph) Well, maybe we're looking in the wrong place. Dean: What do you mean? Jo: Check this out. Sam: (looking at the photo) An empty field? Jo: It's where this building was built. Take a look at the one next door. The windows. Sam: Bars. Dean: We're next door to a prison? Jo: (on the phone) Thanks, Ash. And if you breathe a word of this to my mom... That's right. I will. With pliers. (hanging up) Okay. Moyamensing prison. Built in 1835, torn down in 1963. And get this. They used to execute people by hanging them in the empty field next door. Sam: Well, then, we need a list. All the people ex*cuted there. Jo: Ash is already on it. LATER Sam is scrolling down a very long list of names on his laptop. Sam: A hundred fifty seven names? Dean: We've gotta narrow that down. Sam: Yeah. Dean: Or else we're gonna be digging up a hell of a lot of stiffs. Sam scrolls down to the name HERMAN WEBSTER MUDGETT and clicks on it, frowning. Sam: Herman Webster Mudgett? Jo: Yeah? Sam: Wasn't that H. H. Holmes' real name? Dean: You've gotta be kiddin' me. Dean: Yep. Holmes was ex*cuted at Moyamensing, May 7, 1896. Sam: H. H. Holmes himself. Come on, I mean, what are the odds? Jo: Who is this guy? Dean: The term "multi-m*rder." They coined it to describe Holmes. He was America's first serial k*ller, before anybody knew what a serial k*ller was. Sam: Yeah, he confessed to twenty seven m*rder, but some put the death toll at over a hundred. Dean: And his victim flavor of choice? Pretty petite blondes. He, uh, he used chloroform to k*ll 'em. (b*at) Which is what I smelled in the hallway last night. At his place, cops found human remains, bone fragments, and long locks of bloody blonde hair. (to Jo) Boy, you sure know how to pick 'em. Jo: Well, we just find the bones, salt 'em and burn 'em, right? Sam: Well, it's not that easy. His body is buried in town, but it's encased in a couple tons of concrete. Jo: What? Why? Dean: The story goes that he didn't want anybody mutilating his corpse. 'Cause, you know, that's what he used to do. Sam: You know somethin'. We might have an even bigger problem than that. Jo: How does this get bigger? Sam: Holmes built an apartment building in Chicago. He called it the m*rder Castle. The whole place was a death factory, they had, uh, trap doors, acid vats, quick line pits... he built these secret chambers inside the walls. He'd lock his victims in, keep them alive for days. Some he'd suffocate, others he'd let starve to death. Jo: So Teresa could still be alive. She could be inside these walls. Dean: We need sledgehammers, crowbars. We've got to smash these walls, anywhere thick enough to hide a girl. INT. APT. BUILDING WALLS - DAY Dean and Jo are squeezing through crawl-spaces inside the building walls. Jo is on the phone. Jo: Okay. Call us after you check the southeast wall. (hanging up) Sam's almost done with the first floor. Hasn't found jack squat either. (Dean stops) What is it? Dean: It's too narrow. Can't go any further. Jo: Let me see. Dean: What are you- (she squeezes past him) Ugh. Shoulda cleaned the pipes. Jo: What? Dean: I, uh, I wish the pipes were cleaner. Jo: Shut up. I can fit in there. Dean: You're not going in there by yourself. Jo: You got a better idea? Dean: You- Jo: Uh-huh. She continues down the tight space past Dean. After she goes out of sight, he calls her on the phone. Dean: Where are you? Jo: On the north wall. She finds an air duct and starts climbing down it. Jo: I'm heading down some kind of air duct. Dean: No, no, no, no, stay up here. Jo: Look, we've gotta find this girl, don't we? I'm okay. Dean: (studying the blueprints) All right. I'm heading to you. She comes out into a similar space on a lower level and presses on. Goo starts pouring out from the wall cracks. Jo: Oh god. Dean: (over the phone) What is it? Jo? Jo! Jo screams. Dean runs down to the lower level, trying to hear where she is. Dean: Jo! He takes the sledgehammer he's carrying and smashes a large hole in the wall. He pokes his head in and finds where Jo was, her cell phone lying on the floor. She is gone. END ACT TWO Dean rushes back up the hallway, running headlong into Sam. Sam: Whoa. Dean: He's got Jo. Sam: What? How'd that happen? Dean: I wasn't with her, I left her alone. Damnit! Sam: Hey, hey, look, we'll find her, all right? Dean: Where? Sam: Inside the walls. Dean: We've been inside the walls all night. None of the other girls were there, she won't be either. INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT Sam: Look. We've just gotta take a b*at and think about this. Maybe we got Holmes' M.O. wrong. Dean: Yeah, well, we'd better friggin' think fast. Dean's cell phone rings again; he answers it. Dean: Yeah. Ellen's Voice You lied to me. She's there. Dean: Ellen. Ellen: No - Ash told me everything. Man's a genius, but he folds like a cheap suit. Now you put my damn daughter on the phone. Dean: She's gonna have to call you back, she's taking care of, uh, feminine business. Ellen: Yeah, right. Where is she? Where is she?! Dean: Look, we'll get her back. Ellen: Get her back? Back from what? Dean: The spirit we're hunting, it took her. Ellen: Oh my god. Dean: She'll be okay, I promise. Ellen: You promise. That is not the first time I've heard that from a Winchester. Dean: What? Ellen: If anything happens to her... Dean: It won't. I won't let it. Ellen, I'm sorry, I really am. Ellen: I'm taking the first flight out. I'll be there in a few hours. She hangs up. Dean: Damnit! Sam: Don't b*at yourself up, Dean. There's nothing you could have done. Dean: Tell me you've got something. Sam: Uh, maybe. Look. You look at the layout of the Holmes m*rder castle, there's all the t*rture chambers inside the walls, right? Dean: Right. Sam: But there's one we haven't considered yet. The one in this basement. Dean: This building doesn't have a basement. Sam: You're right, it doesn't. But I just noticed this. Beneath the foundation, it looks like part of an old sewer system that hasn't been used for — Dean: Let's go. Dean grabs his jacket and books; Sam follows. INT. CREEPY SEWER - NIGHT Jo wakes in a small, dark place, lying on her back. She still has her flashlight; she shines it around to reveal a wall wood a few inches above her face - it has long scratches gouged in it. She sobs with a hand over her face, then collects herself. To her right is another wood panel with a slit; looking through she can see a larger, round chamber with similar compartments to the one she's in around it. She hears a noise. Jo: Hello? Teresa: (in another compartment) Is - is anybody there? Jo: Your name's Teresa? Teresa: Yes. Jo: This won't make you feel better, but I'm here to rescue you. Teresa: Oh god. He's out there, he's gonna k*ll us! Jo: No, he won't. We're getting out. My friends are looking for us, they'll find us. Quiet footsteps fall nearby: the spirit approaches. Teresa: Oh god, it's him! Jo: Shh! Just be quiet! All is very quiet. Then the Creepy Hand bursts through into Jo's prison and grabs her by the head. She screams as it rips off a chunk of her hair. END ACT THREE EXT. STREET - DAY Sam and Dean, with a metal detector and a shovel, respectively, search the streets of Philadelphia. They follow the trail into an open field until Sam stops over one spot, the metal detector whining. Sam: Here. Dean drops his bag and starts digging furiously. After some shovel work, they dig with their hands to uncover a metal trap door, which they pull open. Dean hands Sam a g*n and takes one, and a flashlight, then starts descending. Sam follows. INT. CREEPY SEWER PRISON - DAY Jo is kicking steadily and furiously on the wall of her wooden cell. She drops back in exhaustion. She hears footsteps approaching and turns; a scraggly-bearded mouth appears at the opening. Holmes: You're so pretty. So beautiful. Jo: Go to hell! He reaches his Creepy Hand through the opening and fondles he. She turns away and groans in disgust and horror. Suddenly she turns, s*ab into the hand with her Kn*fe. The spirit flees, screaming. Jo: How do you like that? Pure iron, you creepy-ass son of a bitch! INT. SEWERS - DAY Dean and Sam crawl along on elbows and knees through the narrow sewer tunnels. INT. CREEPY SEWER PRISON - DAY Jo lies very still, listening. Teresa: Is he gone? Jo: I don't know. He isn't. Holmes grabs Jo by the arm again, pulling her back, and clamps a hand down over her mouth. Holmes: Shhh. Jo struggles, trying to scream but gagged by Holmes' hand. Dean: Hey! Dean fires his g*n into Holmes' chest, sending him flying backwards and out of sight. Dean: Jo?! Jo: I'm here! Dean finds an iron bar leaning against a wall and starts to pry open Jo's prison with it. Sam investigates the other compartments; one contains gruesome body parts. He finds Teresa. Sam: We're gonna get you out of here, all right? Dean: Sam! (handing the bar to Sam) Hang on. (he opens the compartment to let Jo out) You all right? Jo: Been better. Let's get the hell out of here before he comes back. Dean: Actually, I don't think you're leaving here just yet. Jo: What? Dean: Remember when I said you being bait was a bad plan? Now it's kind of the only one we got. He turns to Sam, who has an armful of terrified Teresa. He shrugs. LATER Jo is sitting alone, silently, in the middle of the chamber. She has her arms wrapped around her knees and is trembling, but breathing deeply and steadily. Holmes appears behind her. He walks forward. When he gets very close: Dean: Now! Jo dives forwards as Sam and Dean f*re at something on the walls; several bags unroll and spill salt in a perfect circle around Holmes, trapping him. Dean pulls Jo to safety as Holmes circles, gibbering and screaming in terror. Jo: Scream all you want, you dick, but there's no way you're stepping over that salt! A grate slams shut, sealing off the room. EXT. STREET - DAY Jo and Sam are standing at the entrance to the sewers. looking down. Sam: So? This job as glamorous as you thought it would be? Jo: Well, except for all the pee-your-pants terror, yeah. Sure. But that Teresa girl's gonna live a life because of us. It's worth it, isn't it? Sam: Yeah. Yeah it is. Jo: Hey, what if somebody finds that sewer down there, or a storm washes the salt away? Sam: Both very fine points. Which is why we're waiting here. Jo: For what? The loud beeping of Large Truck Backing up is heard. Sam smiles and looks over his shoulder: a cement mixer is backing into the field, stopping just over the sewer entrance. Dean is driving. Sam: For that. (waving at him to stop the truck) Whoa! Dean gets out of the cab; he and Sam set up the cement mixer right over the entrance. Jo: You ripped off a cement truck? Dean: I'll give it back. (watching the cement pour on down) Well, that oughta keep him down there till hell freezes over. END ACT FOUR EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT The Impala zooms quietly down a dark road. Dean is revealed first, driving; Jo is visible in the seat behind him. Dean glances nervously to his right; Jo's eyes flicker to Dean. Pan over to the right to reveal Sam sitting next to Jo, looking straight ahead at Ellen, who stares at the road with a set jaw. Dean glances at her again before he speaks. Dean: Boy, you, you really weren't kidding about flying out, were you? Ellen gives no reaction whatsoever; Sam and Jo exchange a look. Dean: How about we listen to some music? He flicks the radio on: SONG You're as cold as ice... Ellen reaches forward and flicks the radio off. Jo and Sam exchange another look, and Dean glances back as if for assistance. He sighs. Dean: This is gonna be a long drive. INT. ROADHOUSE - DAY Ellen storms in, dragging Jo by the elbow. Dean and Sam follow. Dean: Ellen? This is my fault. Okay? I lied to you and I'm sorry. But Jo did good out there, I think her dad would be proud. Ellen: Don't you dare say that. Not you. I need a moment with my daughter. Alone. Sam and Dean go outside. Jo: You're angry. I understand. Ellen: Angry? Angry doesn't begin to touch it. Jo: Let's just think about this. Everything's okay, I'm alive... Ellen: Not after I'm through with you. Jo: Is this about me hunting, or something else? Ellen: You let those boys use you as bait! Jo: They were right there, backing me up the whole time. Ellen: That is why you do not have the sense to do this job, you're trusting your life to them. Jo: What are you talking about? Ellen: Like father, like sons, that is what I'm talking about. Jo: John? I thought you and John were friends. Ellen: Yeah, we were, I'm sorry, I didn't mean... Jo: Mom? What aren't you telling me? EXT. ROADHOUSE - DAY Sam and Dean are leaning on the Impala as Jo comes storming out. She glares at Dean and keeps stalking, so he follows. Dean: That bad, huh? Jo: Not right now. Dean: What happened? Hey, talk to me. Jo: Get off me! Dean: Sorry. See you around. He turns to leave. Jo: Dean. It turns out my dad had a partner on his last hunt. Funny, he usually worked alone; this guy did too, but... I guess my father figured he could trust him. Mistake. Guy screwed up, got my dad k*lled. Dean: What does this have to do with— Jo: It was your father, Dean. Dean: What? Jo: Why do you think John never came back? Never told you about us? Because he couldn't look my mom in the eye after that, that's why. Dean: Jo. Jo: Just... just get out of here. Please, just leave. END EPISODE transcript by gelasius 11/05/06

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x06 - No Exit"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 9 Nov 2006 LOCATION TITLE: Baltimore, Maryland INT. Police STATION - NIGHT Background chatter as a man is led down a dim police-station hallway in cuffs. Pan into the bustling office, where PETER Sheridan is on his cell phone, a mug of coffee in hand. Sheridan: Under what name? Oh, yeah, that's my favorite so far. Possible ID's in three states that we know of. (He pulls a paper from the fax machine and stares at it.) I gotta call you back. EXT. MOTEL - NIGHT A SWAT team approaches a motel room from the outside. INT. Police STATION - NIGHT Sheridan enters an interrogation room; the prisoner is not visible. He sits down. Sheridan: Well, first I thought you were just stepping up your game. Credit card fraud, breaking and entering, and this one... puzzled me. Grave desecration. But still these are a long way from m*rder. Then we get a fax from St. Louis. Where you're suspected of torturing and m*rder a young woman. However, no one could prove anything, of course, because supposedly you died there. EXT. MOTEL - NIGHT The SWAT team breaks open a 2nd-floor door with a battering ram; inside, Sam stops, holding his hands up. INT. Police STATION - NIGHT Sheridan: But I gotta tell you something. You look pretty healthy to me. INT. MOTEL - NIGHT Diana Ballard advances on Sam, her g*n forward. INT. Police STATION - NIGHT Sheridan: So now we know Karen Giles wasn't the first person you m*rder. INT. MOTEL - NIGHT Ballard: Going somewhere, Sam? INT. Police STATION - NIGHT Sheridan: But I guarantee you she's the last. He stands and walks out; we pan across to reveal that the prisoner is Dean. END Teaser TITLE CARD: SUPERNATURAL INT. Police STATION - NIGHT The policewoman from earlier enters another interrogation room, where Sam is pacing by the window. She places a coffee cup on the table. Ballard: Thought you might be thirsty. Sam: Okay, so you're the good cop. Where's the bad cop? Ballard: Oh, he's with your brother. Sam: Okay. And you're holding us why? Ballard: Well, he's being held on suspicion of m*rder. And you, we'll see. Sam: (leaning forward, shocked) m*rder?! Ballard: You sound genuinely surprised. Or are you that good of an actor? Sam: Who was he supposed to have m*rder?! Ballard: We'll get around to that. Sam: Well, you can't just hold us here without formal charges! Ballard: Well actually, we can, for forty eight hours, but you being a pre-law student, would know that. I know all about you, Sam. (She reads from a file.) You're twenty three years old, no job, no home address. Your mother died when you were a baby, your father's whereabouts are unknown. And then there's the case of your brother Dean. Whose demise was, well, just a little bit exaggerated. Feel free to jump in whenever you like. (Sam leans against the wall, folding his arms.) Shy? No problem. I'll keep going. Your family moved around a lot when you were a kid. Despite that, you were a straight-A student. Got into Stanford with a full ride. (She closes the file.) Then about a year ago there was a f*re in your apartment. One fatality. Jessica Moore, your girlfriend. After she died, you fell off the grid. Left behind everything. Sam: I needed some time off. To deal. So I'm taking a road trip with my brother. Ballard: How's that going for you? Sam: Great. I mean... we saw the second largest ball of twine in the continental US. Awesome. He pulls a chair up to the table and straddles it. Ballard: We ran Dean's fingerprints through AFIS. Sam: Okay. Ballard: Got over a dozen possible hits. Sam: Possible hits. Which makes them worthless. Ballard: But it makes you wonder. What are we gonna find when we run your prints? Sam: Yeah, well. (He pounds his fist on the table sarcastically.) You be sure to let me know, all right. (pointing at the cup) May I? Ballard: Please. Sam: Great. He sniffs the cup and sips it as she leans over him, intently. Ballard: Sam, you seem like a good kid. It's not your fault Dean's your brother. We can't pick our family. Right now Detectives in St. Louis are exhuming a corpse. They're trying to figure out how your brother faked his own death. After torturing all those young women. Dean's a bad guy. His life is over. Yours doesn't have to be. Sam looks at her, incredulous. Sam: You want me to turn against my own brother? Ballard: No. We already caught him cold. Red-handed at the Karen Giles m*rder scene. We just need you to fill in some missing pieces. Sam: Why would I do that? Ballard: Because I can talk to the DA. Make a deal for you. You can get on with your life. Dean's as good as gone. Sam thinks for a moment, looking distraught, then begins speaking quietly. Sam: My dad and Tony Giles were old friends. They were in the service together. We've known him since we were kids, you know? So we came as soon as we heard about his death. FLASHBACK: EXT. CAFE - DAY Dean is sitting at a cafe table reading a newspaper; the headline reads Man's Throat Slit Without A Trace. Sam approaches with two cups of coffee and sets one down. As he sits, Dean hands over the paper. Sam: There you go. Dean: Anthony Giles. Sam: Who's Anthony Giles? Dean: He's a Baltimore Lawyer. Working late in his office, check it out. Sam: (reading) Uh... (mutters) throat was slit, room was clean. Huh. No DNA, no prints. Dean: Keep reading, it gets better. Sam: Security cameras failed to capture footage of the assailant. Dean: So I'm thinking either somebody tampered with the tapes, Sam: Or it's an invisible k*ller. Dean: My favorite kind. What do you think, Scully? You wanna check it out? Sam: I'm not Scully, you're Scully. Dean: No, I'm Mulder. You're a red-headed woman. INT. Police STATION Sam is continuing his story. Sam: Woulda been kinda hard for Dean to k*ll Tony, considering we weren't in town at the time. Ballard: So tell me what happened next. Sam: Okay, uh, that's when we went to see Karen. She was barely holding it together. We just wanted to be there for her. You know? FLASHBACK: INT. GILES HOUSE - DAY Karen, a young woman with dark hair and dark-framed glasses, is sitting in her home, on the verge of tears. She's looking at some forms that Sam and Dean, dressed as insurance company employees, have given her. Karen: Insurance. I totally forgot about the insurance. Sam: We're very sorry to bother you right now, but the company is required to conduct its own investigation. You understand. Karen: Sure. Sam: Okay. Um. If you could just tell us anything you remember about the night your husband died. Karen: Uh, Tony and I were just supposed to have dinner. He called and said he was having computer troubles and that, that he had to work late. That was it. Sam: Do you have any idea who could have done this to him? Karen: No. No, it's like I told the police, I, I have no idea. Dean: Did Tony mention anything, you know, unusual to you? In the days before his death? Karen: Unusual... Dean: Yeah, like strange? Karen: (shaking her head) Strange? Dean: You know, Karen, weird? Weird noises, uh, visions, anything like that? Sam clears his throat and gives Dean a look; Karen turns to Sam, who turns on his concerned-face again, then sh**t Dean another look as she glances down. Karen: He had a nightmare the day before he died. Sam: What kind of a nightmare? Karen: Uh, he said that he woke up in the middle of the night and there was a woman standing at the foot of the bed, he blinked and she was gone, I mean, it was just a nightmare. Dean: Did he say what she looked like? Karen: What the hell difference does it make what she looked like? Dean: Uh, it's just, our, our company's very thorough. Karen: He said she was pale, and she had dark red eyes. Sam (V.O): So I gave Karen a hug, told her to call me if she needed anything, INT. Police STATION Sam: ... and that was it. End of story. Ballard: Sam, I am trying to help you here. But you have got to be honest with me. Now we have an eyewitness. Someone who saw two men fitting your and your brother's description breaking into Giles' office. Sam: Okay, look, Karen called us later, said that there was some stuff that she wanted from Tony's office, but the police weren't letting her in. I, like, a picture of the two of them in Paris, and some other stuff. Look, it was wrong to enter a crime scene, but she gave us the key! FLASHBACK: EXT. GILES' OFFICE - NIGHT Sam picks the lock on GILES office and he and Dean enter, ducking under the police tape. Sam shines his flashlight on a pool of blood on the floor. Sam: Hey. Anthony Giles' body was found right about here. (reading) "Throat slit so deep part of his spinal cord was visible." Dean: (whistling) What do you think? Vengeful spirit? Underlining vengeful? Sam: Yeah, maybe. I mean he did see that woman at the foot of his bed. Dean picks up a sheet of paper lying on the desk. Dean: Take a look at this. Sam takes the paper. It contains small-font printing of the word "danashulps" repeated over and over to fill the page. Sam: Dana Shulps. A name? Dean finds another paper. Dean: I dunno, but it's everywhere. (grinning) Well, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Sam shines his flashlight down on the glass table in front of him, pausing. He breathes on the glass, revealing the Same letters - "DANASHULPS" — impressed in the surface. Sam: Wow. I'd say we've officially crossed over into weird. Dean: Maybe Giles knew her. Sam: Or maybe it's the name of our pale red-eyed mystery girl. Dean: Well. Let's see what we can see. LATER, they are frustrated and have found nothing after searching through all accessible paper and computer files in the office. Sam is at the desktop computer. Dean: There's not a single mention of a Dana Shulps anywhere. There's not a D. Shulps. Or any other kind of friggin' Shulps. Sam: Great. Dean: What have you got? Sam: Nothing. No Dana Shulps has ever lived or died in Baltimore in the last fifty years at least. Dean: So what now? Sam: Well, I think I'm pretty close to cracking Giles' password. Maybe there's something in his personal files, you know? Dean: By close you mean... Sam: Thirty minutes, maybe? Dean: (glances at his watch) Awesome. So I guess I just get to, uh, hang out. (muttering) Awesome. Sam types, concentrating. Dean sits down, annoyed, and starts making clicking and mouth-fart noises. Sam: Dude, seriously. Dean: All right, I'm gonna go talk to Karen again, see if she knows anything about this Dana Shulps, huh? Sam: Great. Dean: Keep going, Sparky. END FLASHBACK INT. Police STATION Sam: Then Dean went back to Karen's place to check up on her. I mean, you know, she had been pretty upset earlier. Ballard: So why didn't you go with him? Sam: I just went back to the motel. (b*at) How'd you know I was there, by the way? Ballard: We found the motel matchbook on your brother when we arrested him. Let's quit fooling around. Now you were with your brother the whole time you were in Baltimore. Why separate now? Because your brother left you. To go m*rder Karen. Sam: He didn't k*ll anyone. Ballard: (hitting the table) I heard the 9-1-1 call! Karen was terrified. She said someone was in the house. FLASHBACK: INT. GILES HOUSE - NIGHT Karen is sitting on the sofa in pajamas, crying. The TV is on, low. As she blows her nose, she hears a figure pass by. She takes off her glasses to rub her eyes; she pauses, then puts them back on. Across the room in a mirror she sees a ghostly figure. She yelps. She turns on the light and the figure is gone. She gets up, panicked, and goes into the hallway, then into the bedroom and shuts the door. She calls 9-1-1. Operator: Hello, emergency services. Karen: Hello? I think I saw someone in my house. Operator: What is your address? Karen: It's 421 Clinton Avenue. Please, can you - (There is a click, and the call is disconnected. ) Hello? The printer on her desk flicks on and starts printing out the Same repeated pattern as before: "danashulpsdanashulpsdanashulps". Karen fumbles for a flashlight, turns, and sees the ghost behind her - it's a young blond woman with dripping red eyes. Karen screams. END ACT ONE EXT. GILES HOUSE - NIGHT Dean arrives at Karen's and knocks on the door. Dean: Karen, you in there? Dean looks around, then picks the lock and enters. He tries the light by the door, but it doesn't work. He goes further into the house, up the stairs and into the bedroom. He pushes open the door and sees Karen lying on the floor in a pool of her own blood. Her throat is slit deeply. He sees the pages from the printer and frowns. Dean: Seriously, what the hell? Dean kneels down by Karen's body, noticing bruises on her wrists. He takes one wrist in his hand. PoliceWoman: Freeze. Behind Dean, two cops have their g*n trained on him. PoliceWoman: Stay on your knees. Hands where I can see them. Now! (He complies.) Cuff him. END FLASHBACK INT. Police STATION Sheridan is sitting in an observation room from which he can see Dean, handcuffed to a table. Ballard enters. Ballard: You getting anywhere with him? Sheridan: No. Just a lot of wise-ass remarks. You? Ballard: Sam's story matches Dean's to the last detail. Sheridan: Hmm. Yeah, well, these guys are good. I'll give 'em that. Ballard: If we don't get Sam to flip we have nothing but a lot of circumstantial evidence. Sheridan: Hey. We've got Dean at the crime scene with blood on his hands. Juries have convicted for less. Ballard: Yeah, but, I mean, where's the m*rder w*apon? What's the motive? You talk about reasonable doubt. Sheridan: Diana. (He touches her face) Do you have reasonable doubt? We keep leaning on these guys, one of them will tumble. And don't forget about St. Louis. I'm telling you. This Dean guy is our guy. Ballard: I know Tony Giles was a friend of yours. Sheridan: Yeah. He was, he was a good friend. Ballard: Look, and I know you want to clean this mess up quick. But come on, Tony knew a lot of criminal types, I mean, maybe we're just... Sheridan: Criminal types? He was a defense Lawyer, for godsakes, of course he knew criminal types. Ballard: All right, let's get back at 'em. Sheridan: No, you know what? Let 'em stew in their juices for a bit. Come here. (He kisses her.) INT. Dean's INTERROGATION ROOM Dean, still handcuffed to the table, is muttering to himself, thinking. Dean: Dana Shulps, Dana Shulps, Dana ShulpsDana, DanaShulps... INT. Sam's INTERROGATION ROOM Sam pulls a pad of paper and a pen to him and writes "DANA SHULPS" in block letters, frowning in thought. INT. Dean's INTERROGATION ROOM Dean: Maybe it's not a name. Maybe it's not a name. INT. Sam's INTERROGATION ROOM Sam: Anagram, maybe? He writes "ANDA SH..." underneath the first line, then continues. INT. Dean's INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY Head down, Dean continues to mutter to himself. There's a knock on the door; he looks up. A smiling middle-aged man pokes his head in. Kraus: Mr. Winchester? Dean: Yeah. Kraus: I'm Jeffrey Kraus. I'm with the public defender's office. I'm your Lawyer. Dean: (deadpan) Oh. Thank god. I'm saved. (as Kraus sits...) Hey, could I, uh, steal a pen from you? Some paper? Kraus: Sure. (he hands over the items and Dean starts scribbling) Uh, well, the police haven't found a w*apon yet. So that's good. But, uh, they got your prints. And literally blood on your hands. And with your police record, uh... (seeing that Dean is ignoring him) Mr. Winchester? What are you doing? Dean: I think it's an anagram. Kraus: A what? Dean: An anagram. Same letters, different words. The pad of paper now reads: DNA SHULPS DAN SHULPAS LAND PUSHAS SUPASH LAND PUSH LANDAS PLUSH DANAS Dean: Uh, do me a favor? See if you recognize any of these words, you know, local names, places, anything like that? Kraus: Do you understand how serious these charges are? Dean: I'm handcuffed to a table. Yeah, I get it. Humor me. Take a quick look. Kraus pulls the pad over to him. Kraus: Well, S-U-P, I don't know about that, but Ashland is a street name. Not far from here. Dean: A street. Dean takes the pad back, tears off a sheet of paper and starts writing again. Kraus: Let's start with where you were the night Anthony Giles died. Dean: Can you get in to see my brother? Kraus: Mr. Winchester, you could be facing the death penalty here. Dean: Hey, thanks for the law review, Matlock. But. If you want to help me... (holding up the folded note he's just finished) I need you to see my brother. INT. Police STATION - DAY Ballard is writing an email at her computer. Suddenly the repeating string DANASHULPSstarts scrolling across the screen. She looks around, nervous. INT. Sam's INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY Sam is looking at the note Dean sent him, which reads: HILTS — IT's A ASHLAND. -MCQUEEN Kraus: I hope that's meaningful. But I'd like to discuss your case now. Sam: (gesturing to the chair) Sure thing, Matlock. Kraus: You two really are brothers, aren't you? (sitting) Now. As you know, the DA might be interested in... A knock on the door is quickly followed by Ballard, who addresses Kraus. Ballard: We need you. With the other one. INT. Dean's INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY Several others have crowded into the observation room outside where Dean is being held; across from his seat a digital camera has been set up. Ballard and Kraus enter. Sheridan: Counselor? Your boy decided to confess. Kraus: Mr. Winchester? I'd advise against that strongly. Sheridan: Talk directly into the camera, first stating your name for the record. Dean clears his throat and leans forward, looking into the camera. Dean: My name is Dean Winchester. I'm an Aquarius. I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach, and frisky women. And I did not k*ll anyone. But I know who did. Or rather what did. Of course it can't be for sure, because our investigation was interrupted. But our working theory was that we're looking for some kind of vengeful spirit. Ballard: Excuse me? Dean: You know, Casper the bloodthirsty ghost? In the observation room, the spectators start laughing. Dean: Tony Giles saw it. I'll bet you cash money Karen did too. But see, the interesting thing is the word it leaves behind. For some reason it's trying to tell us something. But communicating across the vale, it ain't easy. You know, sometimes the spirits, they, they get things jumbled. You remember "REDRUM". Same concept. You know, it's, uh, maybe word fragments... other times, it's anagrams. See, at first we thought this was a name, Dana Shulps. But now we think it's a street. Ashland. Whatever's going on, I'll bet you it started there. Dean spreads his hands and smiles. Sheridan: You arrogant bastard. Tony and Karen were good people, and you're making jokes. Dean: I'm not joking, Ponch. Sheridan: You m*rder them in cold blood just like that girl in St. Louis. Dean: Oh, yeah. That wasn't me either. That was a shape-shifter creature that only looked like me. He smiles at the camera. Sheridan loses his temper and hauls Dean up by the collar, slamming him against the wall. Ballard: Pete, that is enough! Dean: You asked for the truth. Sheridan: Lock his ass up. Another cop takes over, shoving Dean face-first against the wall and handcuffing him. INT. Sam's INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY Sheridan and Ballard return to find Sam gone; the coffee and the note are still on the table. Sheridan: What the hell? Where is he? Sheridan goes to the window, which is open, and looks out - it's a (four?) story drop with no visible f*re escape nearby. Ballard sees the note on the table and picks it up. Sheridan: What'd he do? The f*re escape's way over... what? Ballard: These two guys. She hands him the note. Sheridan: Hilts and McQueen? Ballard: Hilts is Steve McQueen's character in the Great Escape. INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT Ballard enters the bathroom and the lights flicker. She sighs. As she approaches the sink, it turns on by itself. She recoils. All the faucets start pouring out hot water, steam rising. In the fogging mirror the letters DANASHULPSare formed; Ballard scrubs them away to reveal THE GHOST. Her throat is slit deeply, her eyes deep red. She struggles to talk. END ACT TWO INT. Dean's LOCKUP ROOM Dean is handcuffed to another table as Ballard enters, nervous. She shuts the door. Dean: Can we make this quick? I'm a little tired, it's been a long day, you know, with your partner as*ault me and all. Ballard: I want to know more about that stuff you were talking about earlier. Dean: Time Life. Mysteries of the Unknown. Look it up. Ballard: Let's pretend for the moment you're not entirely insane. Dean: Mmm. Ballard: What would one of these things be doing here? Dean: A vengeful spirit? Well, they're created by violent deaths. And then they come back for a reason, usually a nasty one. Like revenge on the people that hurt 'em. Ballard: And uh, these, they're capable of k*lling people? As she rubs her neck, Dean notices something on her wrist. Dean: Where did you get that? She pulls up her sleeves to reveal deep bruises, like those on Karen's wrists. Ballard: I don't know. It, it wasn't there before. Dean: You've seen it, haven't you? The spirit? Ballard: How did you know? Dean: Because Karen had the Same bruises on her wrists. And I'm willing to bet that if you look at Giles' autopsy photos he's got 'em too, it's got something to do with this spirit, I... I don't know what. (She turns away, looking into the mirror) I know. You think you're going crazy. But let's skip that part, shall we? Because the last two people who saw this thing? Died, pretty soon after. You hear me? Ballard: You think I'm going to die. Dean: You need to go to Sam. He'll help. Ballard: You're giving your brother up. Dean: Go to the first motel listed in the yellow pages. Look for Jim Rockford - it's how we find each other when we're separated. Now you can arrest him if you want. Or you can let him save your life. INT. MOTEL - NIGHT Sam is sitting at a motel desk, going through files. There is a knock on the door; he opens it to find Ballard; he hesitates, she shrugs and comes in. Ballard shows Sam her wrists. Sam: These showed up after you saw it? Ballard: Yeah, I guess. Sam: All right. You're going to have to tell me exactly what you saw. Ballard: You know, I must be losing my mind. You're a fugitive. I should be arresting you. Sam: All right. Well, you know what? You can arrest me later, all right? After you live through this. But right now you've gotta talk to me. Okay? (She nods) Okay, great. Now, this spirit. What did it look like? Ballard: She was, um, really pale, and her throat was cut, and her eyes, they were like, this deep dark red? It appeared like she was trying to talk to me. But she couldn't. It was just... a lot of blood. Sam: You know what? Here. I've been researching every girl that's ever died or gone missing from Ashland Street. He leads her over to a table, where he gathers up a stack of crime scene photos. Ballard: How'd you get those? Those are from crime scenes, and booking photos. Sam: You have your job, I have mine. Here. I need you to look through these, tell me if you recognize anyone. Ballard sits and flips through the stack. On the third photo, a young woman's booking photo, she stops. Ballard: This is her. I'm sure of it. Sam: Claire Becker? Twenty eight years old, disappeared about eight or nine months ago. Ballard: But I don't even know her. I mean, why would she come after me? Sam: Well, before her death, she was arrested twice. For dealing heroin. You ever work narcotics? Ballard: Yeah, Pete and I did. Before Homicide. Sam: You ever bust her? Ballard: Not that I remember. Sam: It says that she was last seen entering 2911 Ashland Street. Police searched the place, didn't find anything. Guess we gotta check it out ourselves. See if we can find her body. Ballard: What? Sam: Well, we gotta salt and burn her bones. It's the only way to put her spirit to rest. Ballard: Of course it is. INT. 2911 ASHLAND STREET - NIGHT Sam leads Ballard into a Dark And Creepy Warehouse. Ballard: So what exactly are we looking for? Sam: I'll let you know when we find it. They split up, Sam checking up a flight of stairs and Ballard continuing on the lower level. She turns towards a window and sees CLAIRE, standing by the window. The ghost struggles to talk. Ballard: Sam? Sam? Sam! As Sam runs down the stairs to Ballard, the ghost disappears. Sam: Hey! Hey, I'm here, what is it? What happened? Ballard: Claire... Sam: Where? Ballard: She, she was here. Sam: Did she att*ck you? Ballard: No. No, she was just like, reaching out to me. She was over there by the window. (The window is blocked by a shelving unit.) Here, help me move this. Sam: All right. They shove the shelves aside, revealing the window. It is labeled from the outside: ASHLAND SUP(plies) Ballard: Our little mystery word. They turn to see a shadow on the opposite wall, casting the words into clear reflection. Sam: Now the extra letters make sense. Sam pulls out his EMF reader and approaches the opposite wall. Ballard: What is that? Sam: Spirits and certain remains give off electromagnetic frequencies. Ballard: So if Claire's body was here, that would indicate that? Sam: Yeah. Well, that's the theory. The EMF reader purrs as he waves it over the brick wall. He turns. Sam starts breaking through the wall with a sledgehammer. When he's knocked out a sizable hole, he pokes his flashlight inside. Sam: Yeah. Yeah, there's definitely something in there. (He starts breaking through the wall with elbows and fists.) You know? This is bothering me. Ballard: Well, you are digging up a corpse. Sam: No, not that. That's, uh, that's pretty par for the course, actually. Ballard: Then what? Sam: It's just, I mean, no vengeful spirit I've ever tussled with wanted to be wasted, so why the hell would Claire lead us to her remains? It doesn't make any sense. (He's broken open most of the wall.) All right, here. Give me a hand. Together, they pull out a shroud-wrapped body and place it on the ground. Sam pulls out a pocket Kn*fe and cuts the ropes holding the shroud together, uncovering her. Ballard holds out her wrists. Sam: Her wrists. Yeah, they'd be bruised just like yours? Ballard notices a necklace on the corpse and touches it cautiously. Sam: That necklace mean something to you? Ballard: I've seen it before. It's rare. It was custom made over on Carson street. (she reaches into her neckline) I have one just like it. Pete gave it to me. END ACT THREE INT. 2911 ASHLAND STREET - NIGHT Sam: Now this all makes perfect sense. Ballard: I'm sorry? Sam: Yeah. You see, Claire is not a vengeful spirit, she's a death omen. Ballard: Excuse me? Sam: Claire's not k*lling anyone. She's trying to warn them. You see, sometimes spirits, they don't want vengeance, they want justice. Which is why she led us here in the first place. She wants us to know who her k*ller is. (b*at) Detective, how much do you know about your partner? Ballard: (thinking) Oh my god. Sam: What? Ballard: About a year ago, some heroin went missing from lockup. Obviously it was a cop. We never found out who did it. But whoever did it would need someone to fence their product. Sam: Someone like a heroin dealer. Somebody like Claire. EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT Sheridan is driving an armored van with Dean in the back. Dean: So I'm being extradited to St. Louis, huh? And you just decided to transfer me yourself, eight hundred miles? At two in the morning? This can't be good. EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT Ballard is driving Sam down a similar stretch of road, finishing a call on her cell phone. Ballard: All right. Thanks. Sam: What is it? Ballard: Pete just left the precinct. With Dean. Sam: What? Ballard: He said the prisoner had to be transfered, and he just took him. Dispatch has been calling but he won't answer the radio. Sam: Radio? He took a county vehicle? Ballard: Yeah. Sam: Well, then they should have a lo-jack, you've just gotta get it turned on. EXT. CLEARING - NIGHT The armored van pulls off the road and stops. Dean: Pee break? So soon? You might want to get your prostate checked. (Sheridan gets out and circles to the back.) Son of a bitch. (Sheridan opens the van.) Hey, I'm cool in the van, you go do what you gotta do. Sheridan hauls Dean out and throws him to the ground. Sheridan: You're a cocky son of a bitch. You think those people in St. Louis are gonna buy that crap you're peddling? Here's the thing. You're not gonna make it to St. Louis. You're gonna die trying to escape. He pulls out his g*n and points it at Dean's head. Dean: Wait! Wait. Let's, let's talk about this. I mean, you don't want to do something that you're gonna regret later. (Sheridan cocks the g*n.) Or maybe you do. Ballard: (arriving) Pete! Put the g*n down. Sheridan: Diana? How'd you find me? Ballard: I know about Claire. Sheridan: I don't know what you're talking about. Ballard: Put the g*n down! Sheridan: Oh, I don't think so. You're fast. I'm pretty sure I'm faster. Ballard: Why are you doing this? Sheridan: I didn't do anything, Diana. Ballard: It's a little late for that. Sheridan: It wasn't my fault. Claire was trying to turn me in, I had no choice. Ballard: And Tony? Karen? Sheridan: Same thing! Tony scrubbed the money, he got skittish, and then he wanted to come clean. I'm sure he told Karen everything. Dean glances at Sam, who's giving him "How do we get out of this" looks. Dean shakes his head, Sam grits his teeth. Sheridan: It was a mess; I had to clean it up. I just panicked. Ballard: How many more people are gonna die over this, Pete? Sheridan: There's a way out. This Dean kid's a friggin' gift. We could pin the whole thing on him. Right? No trial, nothing. Just, just one more d*ad scumbag. Dean: Hey! Sheridan raises the g*n; Dean backs off. Sheridan: No one will question it. Diana, please. I still love you. (She lowers the g*n.) Thank you. Thank you. As he turns back to Dean, Ballard brings her g*n up and fires, hitting Sheridan in the stomach. He goes down; Dean rolls out of the way. Ballard: Then why don't you buy me another necklace, you ass? He tackles her legs, knocking her down; she loses her g*n and Sam tries to go for it, but Sheridan gets there first. Sheridan: Don't do it! Don't do it! Ballard stares past Sheridan, who turns to see the GHOST behind him, staring through her bloody hair. She smiles. A g*n goes off: Ballard has recovered a w*apon and sh*t Sheridan in the back. He goes down, more permanently this time. END ACT FOUR EXT. CLEARING - MORNING Ballard is kneeling by the body of her late partner. She gets up and approaches Sam and Dean, standing nearby. Sam: You doin' all right? Ballard: Not really. The death omen Claire. What happens to her now? Sam: Should be over. She should be at rest. Dean: So, uh. What now, officer? Ballard: Pete did confess to me. He screwed up both your cases royally. I'd say that there's a good chance that we could get your cases dismissed. Sam: You'd take care of that for us? Ballard: I hope so. But the St. Louis m*rder charges? That's another story. I can't help you. Unless... I just happened to turn my back, and you walked away. I could just tell them that the suspects escaped. Sam: Wait, are you sure? Dean: Yeah, she's sure, Sam. Sam: No, it's just, I mean, you could lose your job over something like that. Ballard: Look, I just want you guys out there doing what you do best. Trust me, I'll sleep better at night. (she turns to go) Listen, you need to watch your back. They're gonna be looking for both of you right now. Get out of here. I gotta radio this in. Dean: Hey, uh, you wouldn't happen to know where my car is, by chance? Ballard: It's at the impound yard down on Robertson. (seeing Dean's calculating look) Don't... even think about it. Sam: it's okay, it's all right, don't worry. We'll, uh, we'll just improvise. I mean, we're pretty good at that. Ballard: Yeah. I've noticed. Sam and Dean walk off down the road. Sam: Nice lady. Dean: Yeah, for a cop. Did she look familiar to you? Sam: No, why? Sam shoves Dean playfully. Dean: I don't know. Anyway, are you hungry? Sam: No. Dean: For some reason I could really go for some pea soup. END EPISODE transcript by gelasius 11/10/2006

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x07 - The Usual Suspects"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 16 Nov 2006 LOCATION TITLE Greenwood, Mississippi August 1938 INT. SALOON - NIGHT (1938) He hears the growling of a dog, outside. He pauses, then resumes. Again, he stops, hearing eerie barking that nobody else seems to notice, and seeing a dark shape flitting past the window. The cigarette falls from his mouth; he is terrified. He stands, clutching his guitar, and bolts from the room in terror. The Woman and several others follow. EXT. CLEARING - NIGHT Robert stops, listening for the dog. He hears it, drops the guitar, and runs to: INT. HOUSE - NIGHT Robert runs into a wooden house and bolts the door behind him. He hears the scrabbling and barking of the dog and draws a chair across the floor, wedging it under the door. He backs up slowly, then sinks to his knees, weeping. The door rattles violently until it flies open; two men and the Woman from earlier enter to find Robert on the floor, convulsing. Old Man: What is going on? Woman: Oh my God! (She goes to Robert, runs her hands over him.) Get a Doctor. Run! The Old Man runs. The Woman leans over Robert, patting his face. Woman: What happened? Talk to me! Robert: Dogs... Woman: Stay with us, baby! Robert: Dogs... Black dogs... Woman: Robert? Robert, don't you die on me! END Teaser TITLE CARD: SUPERNATURAL INT. DINER - DAY (PRESENT) Sam and Dean are sitting at a table, Sam with his laptop open. Onscreen is a mugshot of Dean from the St. Louis Police Department. Sam: So much for our low profile. You've got a warrant in St. Louis, and now you're officially in the Fed's database. Dean: (grinning) Dude, I'm like Dillinger or something. Sam: Dean, it's not funny. Makes the job harder, we've gotta be more careful now. Dean: Well, what do they got on you? Sam: (mutters) I'm sure they just haven't posted it yet. Dean: No accessory? Nothing? Sam: Shut up. Dean: (laughing) You're jealous. Sam: No, I'm not! Dean: Uh-huh. All right. What do you got on the case there, you innocent, harmless young man, you? Sam shuts his computer, annoyed, and pulls out several pages of research. Sam: Architect Sean Boyden plummeted to his death from the roof of his home, a condominium he designed. Dean: Hmm. Build a high-rise and jump off the top of it. That's classy. When did he call animal control? Sam: Two days earlier. Dean: Did he actually say Black Dog? Sam: Yeah. A vicious, wild, black dog. The authorities couldn't find it, no one else saw it; in fact, the authorities are a little confused as to how a wild dog could get past the doorman, take the elevator up and start roaming the halls of the cushiest joint in town. After that, no more calls, he doesn't show up for work, two days later he takes a swan dive. Dean: Sam: Well, maybe. Dean: What's the lore on it? Sam: (passing Dean the pages) it's all pretty vague. I mean, there are spectral black dogs all over the world, but... some say they're animal spirits, others say death omens. But anyways, whatever they are, they're big, nasty, Dean: Yeah, I bet they could hump the crap outta your leg, look at that one, huh? (he holds up a picture and smirks; Sam glares; the smirk slips) What? They could. INT. APARTMENT - DAY In a posh, well-lit room, Sam and Dean are wearing suits and interviewing a man. Sam: So, you and Sean Boyden were business partners for almost ten years, right? Man: That's right. Now one more time, this is for...? Dean: A tribute to Mr. Boyden. Architectural Digest. (The Man laughs.) This funny to you? Man: No, it... it's just, a tribute. Yeah. See, Sean always got the tributes. He kills himself, leaves me and his family behind... well, he gets another tribute. Sam: Right. Any idea why he'd do such a thing? Man: I, I have no clue, I mean he lived a charmed life. Sam: How so? Man: He was a flat-out genius. I mean, I'm capable, but next to him, I... and it wasn't always that way, either. Dean: No? Man: You wanna know the truth? There was a time where he couldn't even design a pup tent. Hell, ten years ago he's working as a bartender at this place called Lloyds. A complete dive. Sam: Right. So what changed? Man: You got me. But overnight, he gets this huge commission, and he starts designing... he starts designing the most ingenious buildings anyone has ever seen. It was like, the level of Van Gogh, and Mozart... (he cuts off abruptly) Dean: What? Man: It's funny. True geniuses, they seem to die young, don't they? To have that kind of talent? Why... why just throw it away? EXT. STREET - DAY Dean exits a building designated ANIMAL PROTECTION AGENCY, still wearing the suit. Sam is waiting in the car. Dean gets in the driver's side. Sam: So. Dean: Secretary's name is Carly. She's twenty three, she, uh, kayaks, and they're real. Sam: You didn't happen to ask her if she's seen any black dogs lately, did you? Dean: (holding up a page) Every complaint called in this week about anything big, black, or dog-like. There's nineteen calls in all. And, uh, (pulling off a Post-it note) I don't know what this thing is. Sam takes it, reads it, and laughs. He glances at Dean: Sam: You mean Carly's MySpace address? Dean: Yeah, MySpace, what the hell is that? (Sam laughs again) Seriously, is that like some sort of p*rn site? EXT. Dr. Pearlman's HOUSE - DAY Dean and Sam approach (yet another) white suburban door and knock. Dean: I swear, if this is another freakin' Pomeranian barking in the neighbor's yard... The door opens to reveal a young woman. Dean: Afternoon, ma'am. (pulling out an ID) Uh, Animal Control. Woman: Oh, someone already came yesterday. Sam: Oh, we're just following up. We're looking for Dr. Sylvia Pearlman? INT. Dr. Pearlman's HOUSE - DAY Woman: The Doctor, well, she, I don't know exactly when she'll be back, she left two days ago. Sam: Okay. And you are...? Woman: I'm Ms. Pearlman's maid. Dean: So where did the Doctor go? Woman: I'm not sure. She just packed and went, she didn't say where. That stray dog, did you find it finally? Sam: Oh, not yet. You know, you didn't ever happen to see the dog yourself, did you? Woman: Well, no. I never even heard it. In the background, Dean takes a photograph off the wall: it shows Dr. Pearlman at a bar with two friends. Woman (cont.) I was almost starting to think the Doctor was imagining things, but she's not like that, so... Dean: Hey, you know I read she was, uh chief surgeon at the hospital. She's gotta be what, forty two, forty three? That's pretty young for that job. Woman: Youngest in the history of the place. She got the position... ten years ago? Dean: Huh. Sam: Huh. An overnight success. Ten years ago. Dean: Yeah, we know a guy like that. Oh, look at this. (he holds up the photo, flips it over to show writing on the back) Lloyd's Bar. INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY In a rumpled hotel room with red curtains and sheets, a forty-something woman (Dr. Pearlman) huddles on the bed. Her hair is frazzled and she is terrified, flinching at the slightest noise and hugging her arms around herself. She stands, pacing. Dr Pearlman: Oh god. She hears a loud pounding at the door. She whirls to face it, frozen. Man: (outside the door) Ms. Pearlman? I've been calling for hours. You need to vacate the room or you gotta pay for another night! She opens the door and pokes her head out. Dr Pearlman: Okay. No problem. She goes to the bed and opens her wallet, pulling out some cash. As she turns back to the door, she sees the man's face stretch hideously, mouth opening wide and eyes rolling back in his head. She gasps, tosses the money down at his feet, shuts the door and chains it. She leans against it, panting. EXT. CROSSROADS - DAY Dean and Sam pull up outside LLOYD's BAR and get out. As they walk towards the bar, Dean notices some yellow flowers growing by the side of the road. He stops. Dean: Hey. Sam: Yeah? Dean: That's weird. Pan up to reveal the crossroads; on more than one corner, the yellow flowers are growing. Sam: What? Dean: Think someone planted these? Sam: Middle of all these weeds? Dean: These are, uh, what do you call 'em. Sam: Yarrow flowers? Dean: Yeah. Used for certain rituals, aren't they? Sam: Yeah, actually. Summoning rituals. Dean: Heh. So, two people become sudden successes about ten years ago. Right around the time they were hanging out here at Lloyd's. Sam: Where there just happens to be a crossroads. You think? Dean: Let's find out. He walks to the center of the crossroads and looks around, measuring. Dean: This seem about the d*ad center to you? Dean digs a few inches into the hard soil and hits something solid. He stops. Dean: Yahtzee. He drops the shovel and digs with his hands, pulling out an old rusted box. He opens it. It contains, among other things, several small bones and a small stoppered jar that Sam takes out. Sam: I'd be willing to bet that's graveyard dirt. And a black cat bone. Dean: That's serious spellwork. I mean, that's Deep South Hoodoo stuff. Sam: Used to summon a demon. Dean: Not just summon one. Crossroads are where pacts are made. These people are actually making deals with the damn thing. You know, 'cause that always ends good. Sam: Dean: Yeah, whoever this demon is, it's back and it's collecting. And that Doctor lady? Wherever she's running? She ain't running fast enough. INT. MOTEL - NIGHT Inside Dr. Pearlman's hotel room, the door is rattling violently. She crouches by the window, screaming. The rattling stops and she gets up warily. Suddenly something invisible bursts through the window, knocking her to the ground. She scrabbles backwards along the floor, away from the scratching and growling; something (still invisible) with sharp claws grabs her leg and shreds it, leaving bloody trails. She's pulled across the floor, grasping at the bed sheets and screaming. LOCATION TITLE: RoseDALE, MISSISSIPPI 1930 EXT. CROSSROADS - NIGHT Robert Johnson's "Crossroad Blues" plays in the soundtrack as the man himself kneels in the dust at the d*ad center of the crossroads. He buries a rough sack tied with a string. He wears a hat and a brown blazer and has a guitar slung around his back. He stands. Suddenly behind him is a beautiful young woman in a white dress; he turns and sees her. Robert: Holy... Demon: Holy? (her eyes burn red) Guess again. She walks slowly towards him on bare feet. Robert: I want to play guitar. I want you to make me the best blues man ever lived. She places a hand gently on his cheek. Demon: If that's what you want. He nods. She smiles. Robert: So... how do we... do we shake on it? She shakes her head, still smiling, and pulls him in for a deep kiss. When she pulls back, his eyes are closed for a moment. He opens them slowly, and he is alone. He pulls his guitar into his hands and caresses it. EXT. CROSSROADS - DAY (PRESENT) Sam: So it's just like the Robert Johnson legend, right? I mean, selling your soul at the crossroads, kind of deal? Dean: Yeah, except that wasn't a legend. I mean, you know his music. (Sam shrugs) You don't know Robert Johnson's songs? Sam, there's, there's occult references all over his lyrics, I mean, Crossroad Blues? Me And The Devil Blues? Hellhound On My Trail? (Sam frowns, and Dean rolls his eyes. ) The story goes, he died choking on his own blood, he was hallucinating, and muttering about big evil dogs. Sam: And now it's happening all over again. Dean: Yeah. Sam: We've gotta figure out if anyone else struck any bargains around here. Dean: Great. So we've gotta clean up these peoples' mess for 'em? I mean, they're not exactly squeaky clean. Nobody put a g*n to their head and forced 'em to play Let's Make A Deal. Sam: So what, we should just leave them to die? Dean: Somebody goes over Niagara in a barrel, you gonna jump in and try to save 'em? Sam: Dean. Dean: All right. Fine. (b*at) Rituals like this, you've got to put your own photo into the mix, right? So this guy probably summoned this thing, let's go and see if anyone inside knows him. If he's still alive. INT. DARROW HOME - DAY Sam and Dean are walking up a set of wide, wooden stairs to the fourth floor of an apartment building. Sam: What's this guy's name again? Dean: George Darrow. Apparently quite the regular at Lloyd's. Though this house probably ain't up next on MTV Cribs, is it? Sam: Yeah. So whatever kind of deal he made, Dean: Wasn't for cash. Oh, who knows. Maybe this place is full of babes in Princess Leia bikinis. (Sam sighs) No, I'm just saying, this guy's got one epic bill come due. Hope at least he asked for something fun. They reach the landing and stop in front of apartment 4C. The floor is dusted with a fine black powder. Sam: Look at that. They crouch down, fingering it. Dean: What is that, pepper? The door opens to reveal George - a middle-aged man with graying hair, wearing a grimy t-shirt and open button-down. George: Who the hell are you? Dean: George Darrow? George: I'm not buying anything. Dean: Whoa, whoa, whoa, looks like you went for the wrong shaker there. Heh. Usually when you want to keep something evil out you go for the salt. George: I don't know what you talkin' about. Dean: Talkin' about this. (he holds up the small picture) Tell me. You seen that Hellhound yet? Sam: Look. We want to help. Please. Just five minutes. INT. George's APT - DAY George shows them in and pours himself a glass of whisky. The studio apartment is filled with paintings, completed and half-finished, and a table holds painting supplies. Sam: So what is that stuff out front? George: (They look at him blankly) What, you boys think you know somethin' about somethin' but not Goofer dust? He tosses Dean a brown sack, tied close with twine. He catches it. Dean: Well, we know a little about a lot of things. Just enough to make us dangerous. Sam: What is it? George: Hoodoo. My grandma taught me. Keeps out demons. Dean: Demons we know. George: Well, then. Maybe it'll do you some good. (He walks over to a chair) Four minutes left. Dean glances at Sam, who takes the lead. Sam: Mr. Darrow. We know you're in trouble. Dean: Yeah, that you got yourself into. Sam: (half-directed at Dean) But it's not hopeless, all right? There's gotta be something we can do. George: Listen. I get that you boys want to help. But sometimes a person makes their bed, they've just got to lie down in it. I'm the one called that demon in the first place. Dean: What'd you do it for? George: I was weak. I mean, who don't want to be great? Who don't want their life to mean something? I just... I just never thought about the price. Dean: Was it worth it? George: Hell no. 'Course, I asked for talent. Shoulda gone for fame. I'm still broke, and lonely. Just now I got this pile of paintings don't nobody want. But that wasn't the worst. Sam: Go on. George: Demon didn't leave. I never counted on that. After our deal was done the damn thing stayed at Lloyd's for a week. Just chattin'. Makin' more deals. I tried to warn folks, but, I mean who's goin' to listen to an old drunk? Sam: How many others are there? George: Uh, the architect, that Doctor lady — I kept up with them, they've been in the papers. Least they got famous. Dean: Who else, George? Come on, think. George: One more. Uh, nice guy too. Hudson. Evan, I think. I don't know what he asked for. Don't matter now. We done for. Sam: No. No, there's gotta be a way. George: You don't get it! I don't want a way! Sam: Look, you don't - George: I called that thing! I brought it on myself. I brought it on them. I'm going to hell, one way or another. All I want is to finish my last painting. Day or two, I'm done. I'm just trying to hold them off 'till then. Buy a little time. Okay, boys. Time you went, go help somebody that wants help. Sam: We can't just — George: Get out! I got work to do. Sam: You don't really want to die. George: I don't? I'm... I'm tired. They leave as George starts painting. INT. HUDSON HOUSE - NIGHT Evan HUDSON is working at his computer when he hears a familiar loud barking outside his window. He stands and pulls back the curtain, peering out. His wife Julie enters. Julie: Evan? You spying on the neighbors? Evan: No, I uh, I thought i heard something in the yard, but it's nothing. You all ready to go? Julie: You know, if I didn't know better I'd say you want me out of the house. Evan: Of course not. It's just, you, you've barely seen your sister since she had the baby. Julie: Well, what are you going to do all weekend? Evan: Um, not much, I, I got some bills to pay. (He turns and looks at her sadly, crosses the room to take her in his arms.) Come here. I'll miss you. Julie: You'd better. Evan: You know I love you, right? Forever. Julie: Of course — Evan, are you okay? Evan: Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Now get going. He kisses her again. Julie: Okay, I'll call you when I get there. (she goes to the door, stops and turns back) Hey, sweetie? Suddenly her face twists horribly, her skin going gray and cracked, eyes white. Evan recoils; she returns to normal. Julie: I love you too. END ACT TWO EXT. HUDSON HOUSE - NIGHT Dean and Sam approach Evan's front door. Sam knocks. A moment later, Evan opens the door. Evan: Yes? Sam: Evan Hudson? Dean: You ever been to a bar called Lloyd's? Would have been about ten years ago. Terrified, Evan slams the door and latches it. Dean: Come on, we're not demons! INSIDE, Evan bolts into a back room. Sam: Any other bright ideas? Dean steps back, sets himself, then kicks the door down in one go. They enter. Outside the back room Evan has just entered, Dean prepares to kick down that door too. Sam catches his leg, stopping him. Sam: What — Looking at Dean pointedly, Sam turns the handle and pushes the door open gently. The room is quiet. as they enter. Sam: Evan? Evan: (jumping out from behind a bookshelf) Please! Don't hurt me. Sam: (holding his hand out, pacifying) We're not going to hurt you, all right? We're here to help you. Dean: We know all about the genius deal you made. Evan: What? How? Sam: Doesn't matter. All that matters is, we're trying to stop it. Evan: How do I know you're not lying? Dean: Well, you don't, but you're kinda running low on options there, buddy-boy. Evan swallows and starts pacing. Evan: Can you stop it? Sam: Don't know. We'll try. Evan: I don't want to die. Dean: Of course you don't, not now. Sam: (quietly) Dean. Stop. Dean: What'd you ask for anyway, Evan? Huh? Never need Viagra? Bowl a perfect game? What? Evan: My wife. Dean: (laughs) Right. Gettin' the girl. Well, that's worth a trip to hell for. Sam: Dean, stop. Evan: No. He's right, I made the deal. Nobody twisted my arm, that... woman, or whatever she was, at the bar? She said I could have anything I wanted. I thought she was nuts at first, but... I don't know how to— I was desperate. Sam: Desperate? Evan: Julie was dying. Dean: You did it to save her? Evan: She had cancer, they'd stopped treatment, they were moving her into hospice, they kept saying... a matter of days. So yeah, I made the deal. And I'd do it again. I'd have died for her on the spot. Dean: Did you ever think about her in all this? Evan: I did this for her. Dean: (advancing on him) You sure about that? I think you did it for yourself. So you wouldn't have to live without her. But guess what? She's going to have to live without you now. But what if she knew how much it cost? What if she knew it cost your soul? How do you think she'd feel? Sam: (putting a hand on Dean's chest, pulling him back) Okay, that's enough. You just sit tight, all right? We're going to figure this out. He follows Dean into the hallway. Sam: You all right? Dean: Yeah, why wouldn't I be? Hey, I got an idea. (he pulls out the Goofer dust) You throw George's hoodoo at that Hellhound, keep it away from Evan as long as you can. I'm gonna go to the crossroads and summon the demon. Sam: Summon— are you nuts? Dean: Maybe a little. But I can trap it. I can exorcise it, and I can buy us time to figure out something more permanent. Sam: Yeah, but how much time? Dean: I don't know, a while. I mean, it's not easy for those suckers to claw their way back from hell and into the sunshine. Sam: No. No way. Dean: You're not allowed to say no, Sammy, not unless you've got a better idea. Sam: Dean, you can forget it, all right? I'm not letting you summon that demon. Dean: Why not? Sam: Because I don't like where your head is at right now, that's why not. Dean: What are you talking about? Sam: You know, you've been on edge ever since we found that crossroads, Dean, and I think I know why. Dean: We don't have time for this. He brushes past Sam, but is stopped by a single word. Sam: Dad. You think maybe Dad made one of these deals, huh? Hell. I've been thinking it. I'm sure you've been thinking it too. Dean: (quietly) It fits, doesn't it? I'm alive, Dad's d*ad. The yellow-eyed demon was involved. What if he did? What if he struck a deal? My life for his soul? Evan (inside) I think I hear it! It's outside! Dean: Just keep him alive, okay? Sam: Dean... Dean: Go! EXT. CROSSROADS - NIGHT Dean is placing a photo of himself in George's box of Hoodoo Magic. He buries d*ad center at the crossroads, scraping the dirt over it with his hands. As he stands, a beautiful young woman in a black dress appears behind him. Demon: So. What brings a guy like you to a place like this? (He looks at her appraisingly) You called me? Dean: I'm just glad it worked. Demon: First time? Dean: You could say that. Demon: Oh, come on now. Don't sell yourself short. I know all about you, Dean Winchester. Her eyes glow red for a moment. Dean: So, you know who I am. Demon: I get the newsletter. Dean: Well, don't keep me in suspense. What have you heard? Demon: Well, I heard you were handsome. But you're just edible. What can I do for you, Dean? Dean: Maybe we should do this in my car. Nice and private. Demon: Sounds good to me. They stroll to Dean's car. INT. HUDSON HOUSE - NIGHT Sam is sprinkling the dust in a line before the windows, then starts making a circle of it around Evan, who stands in the middle of the room. Evan: What is that stuff? Sam: Goofer dust. Evan: You serious? Sam: Yeah. "Fraid so. Look. Believe me, don't believe me, whatever you want. Just whatever you do, stay inside the circle, all right? Evan nods. EXT. CROSSROADS - NIGHT Dean and the Demon are still strolling towards the Impala. Dean: So I was hoping we could strike a deal. Demon: That's what I do. Dean: I want Evan Hudson released from his contract. Demon: Hmm. So sorry, darling. That's not negotiable. Dean: I'll make it worth your while. Demon: Oh really? What are you offering? Dean: Me. Demon: Well, well, well. You'd sacrifice your life for someone else's. Like father, like son. Dean eyes her warily. INT. HUDSON HOUSE - NIGHT Evan is hugging himself, standing in the middle of the circle that Sam is just finishing. He shakes the bag to get out the last grains. Sam: That's the last of it. EXT. CROSSROADS - NIGHT Demon: You did know about your dad's deal, right? His life for yours? Oh, I didn't make the deal myself, but... boy, I wish I had. Dean grits his teeth and opens the passenger side door. Dean: After you. Demon: Such a gentleman. As she starts to get into the car, she looks down and sees the edge of a symbol extending from below the car. Demon: A Devil's Trap? You've got to be kidding me. INT. HUDSON HOUSE - NIGHT Evan whirls around at an unheard sound. Evan: You hear that? Sam: No, where? He hears the demonic growling. Evan: Right outside the door. The doors begin to rattle violently; Sam steps inside the circle. END ACT THREE INT. HUDSON HOUSE - NIGHT Side by side inside the circle of dust, Evan and Sam stare tensely at the rattling door. Sam: Just don't move, all right? Stay where you are. EXT. CROSSROADS - NIGHT Demon: You stupid, stupid... I should rip you limb from limb. She slams the car door shut and advances on Dean, who backs up towards a wooden structure. Dean: (more pleading than defiant) Take your best sh*t. Demon: No. I don't think so. I'm not going to put you out of your misery. Dean: Yeah? Why not? Demon: Because your misery's the whole point. It's too much fun to watch. Knowing how your daddy died for you, how he sold his soul. I mean, that's gotta hurt. (Dean is backed up against a wooden railing) It's all you ever think about. You wake up and your first thought is, "I can't do this anymore." You're all lit up with pain. I mean, you loved him so much. And it's all your fault. (Dean recoils as she gets more in his face.) You blew it, Dean! I could have given you what you need. Dean: What do I need? Demon: Your father. I could have brought him back. Your loss. Seeya, Dean. I wish you a nice long life. Dean: Hold on. She stops, smiling. INT. HUDSON HOUSE - NIGHT The rattling becomes louder, more violent, then stops suddenly. Sam: Do you still hear it? Evan: No. Is it over? A rumbling sound comes from a grating by the wall. They both whirl to stare at it; it bursts outward, kicking dust into the room. Evan: It's here! EXT. CROSSROADS - NIGHT The Demon stops and turns back; Dean is standing beneath the wooden structure, head down. Demon: You're lucky I've got a soft spot for lost puppies and long faces. I just can't leave you like this. Besides. You didn't call me here to bargain for Evan. Not really. Dean: Can you bring him back? My dad? Demon: Of course I can. Just as he was. Your dad would live a long and natural life, like he was meant to. That's a promise. Dean: What about me? Demon: I could give you ten years. Ten long good years with him. That's a lifetime. The family can be together again. John, Dean, Sammy. The Winchester boys all reunited. (she advances towards him) Look. Your dad's supposed to be alive. You're supposed to be d*ad. So we'll just set things straight, put things in their natural order. And you get ten extra years on top. That's a bonus. She's very close to him; he turns and walks farther back. Dean: You think you could... (he turns to face her) ... throw in a set of steak knives? Demon: (taking a few steps forward) You know, this smart-ass self-defense mechanism of yours... She stops and looks up. Above her head, on the ceiling of the wooden structure, is a Devil's Trap. She glares at him. Demon: Dean! Dean: Now you're really trapped. That's gotta hurt. Demon: Let me out. Now. Dean: Sure. We just gotta make a little deal here first. You call off your Hellhounds and let Evan go. Then I'll let you go. Demon: I can't break a binding contract. Dean Hmm. And by "can't" you mean "don't want to"? Last chance. Evan and his wife get to live to a ripe old age. Going, going... Demon: Let's talk about this. Dean: Okay, gone. He circles around her, pulling out Dad's Journal. INT. HUDSON HOUSE - NIGHT The barking is growing louder and closer; invisible Hellhounds surround Sam and Evan. Sam: No! Back inside the circle! Deep claw marks are gouged into the floor in a path towards the circle; they stop just before the edge. EXT. CROSSROADS - NIGHT Dean has opened the JOURNAL; he holds a rosary in one hand. Demon: What are you doing? Dean: Oh, you're just gonna go on a little trip. Way down South. Demon: Forget Evan. Think of your dad. Dean: Regna terrae, cantate Deo... Dean continues the exorcism, circling the Demon, who begins to flinch and convulse; intercut we see Sam and Evan backing away slowly, wind starting to eat away at their protective circle. INT. HUDSON HOUSE - NIGHT Over Dean's continued exorcism, we see Sam and Evan backing away slowly, wind starting to eat away at their protective circle. Sam: Circle's broken. Come on! He pulls Evan out of the room and down the hall. Quick cuts between Dean's exorcism and their frantic escape, Dean's voice continuing over it all. Sam and Evan dart into a storeroom and slam the door behind them. Sam braces himself against it and the Hellhounds start to pound it down. EXT. CROSSROADS - NIGHT Dean: ... in potentis Magnife! Demon: Wait! INT. HUDSON HOUSE - NIGHT The violent pounding stops; everything goes quiet. Sam and Evan look around, panting. EXT. CROSSROADS - NIGHT Dean and the Demon are locked in a passionate kiss. She breaks it; he steps back and blinks. Dean: What the hell was that for? Demon: Sealing the deal. Dean: I usually like to be warned before I'm violated with demon tongue. Demon: Evan Hudson is free. He and his wife will live long lives. Dean: How do I know you're not lying? Demon: My word is my bond. Dean: Oh, really? Demon: It is when I make a deal. It's the rules. You got what you wanted. Now let me go. Dean steps back, glancing up at the Devil's Trap. He fingers the rosary. Demon: You're gonna double-cross me? Funny how I'm the trustworthy one. (Dean shrugs.) You know, you renege? Send me to hell? Sooner or later I'm gonna climb out, and skinning Evan Hudson's gonna be the first thing that I do. Dean smiles, stashes the rosary away. He climbs up and breaks the protective circle above her head. She steps out. Demon: I gotta tell you. You would have never pulled that stunt if you knew. Dean: Knew what? Demon: Where your dad is. You should have made that deal. See, people talk about hell, but it's just a word. It doesn't even come close to describing the real thing. Dean: Shut your mouth, bitch. Demon: If you could see your poor daddy? Hear the sounds he makes 'cause he can't even scream? Dean: (advancing) How about I send you back there? She throws her head back; black ichor pours out of her mouth as she screams. Dean backs up until he's against the wooden structure again. The Demon is gone, and the girl who had hosted it slumps to the ground, confused. Girl: What... how did I get here? END ACT FOUR EXT. ROAD - NIGHT Dean is driving down a dark road as Sam broods beside him. Sam: Demons lie all the time, right? Maybe she was lying. Dean: Come on. That really what you think? (Sam looks down) How could he do it? Sam: He did it for you. Dean: Exactly. How am I supposed to live with that? You know, the thought of him... wherever he is right now. I mean, he spent his whole life chasing that... yellow-eyed son of a bitch. He should have gone out fighting. That was supposed to be his legacy. You know? Not bargaining with the damn thing. Not this. Sam: How many people do you think Dad saved? Total? Dean: That's not the point, Sam. Sam: Evan Hudson is safe because of what Dad taught us. That's his legacy, Dean. But we're still here, man. So we gotta keep going, for him. (b*at) Dean? Dean: Yeah. Sam: (nervously) When you were trapping that demon, you weren't... I mean, it was all a trick, right? You never considered actually making that deal, right? Dean stares straight ahead, then glances out the window. He reaches forward and turns the radio on full blast and doesn't say a word. Sam flinches. END EPISODE transcript by gelasius 11/17/06

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x08 - Crossroad Blues"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 7 Dec 2006 INT. CLINIC - NIGHT In slow motion, we see Dean in a dim hallway, grimly turning towards a door and pulling out a g*n. He slides out the clip, taps it on the g*n, then replaces it. Inside the room, there is a Crater Lake poster on the wall. Below it is a young blond man (Duane) tied to a chair. Nearby are a young woman (Pam), a middle-aged woman (Dr. Lee), and a tough-looking black man (Mark). Duane looks up as Dean opens the door and enters, raising the g*n. At regular speed, Duane begins babbling. Duane: No, no, no, no, no, you're not gonna... no, I swear! It's not in me! Pam: Oh God. We're all gonna die. Mark: Maybe he's tellin' the truth. Dean: (advancing, cocking the g*n) He's not him, not anymore. Duane: No, stop it! Stop it! Ask her, ask the Doctor! It's not in me! Dr. Lee: I just . . . I can't tell. Duane: No, please, don't. Don't. I swear, I, Dean: I got no choice. Duane: (sobbing) I swear, it's not in me, it's not in me! Don't, don't. Please! Dean fires twice. The image distorts in a bright flash, and we close on... INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Sam, who is lying on the floor beside a motel bed and coming out of the vision. The door opens and Dean enters, chewing on jerky and carrying a six-pack of beer. Sam sits up, panting. Dean: Sam? Sam: No . . . END Teaser TITLE CARD: SUPERNATURAL EXT. BLACKTOP - NIGHT Dean is driving, Sam navigating with a GPS device which speaks directions. GPS Voice: Continue on O-R Two-Two-Four West. Sam: There are only two towns in the US named Rivergrove. Dean: How come you're so sure it's the one in Oregon? Sam has a flashback to the vision — the Oregon poster on the wall. Sam: There was a picture. Crater Lake. Dean: Okay, what else? Sam: I saw a dark room, some people, and a guy tied to a chair. Dean: And I ventilated him? Sam: Yeah. You thought there was something inside him. Dean: What, a demon? Was he possessed? Sam: I don't know. Dean: Well, all your weirdo visions are always tied to the Yellow-Eyed Demon somehow . . . so was there any black smoke? Did we try to exorcise it? Sam: No. Nothing, you just plugged him, that's it. Dean: Well, I'm sure I had a good reason. Sam: I sure hope so. Dean: What does that mean? (b*at) I mean, I'm not gonna waste an innocent man. (Sam raises his eyebrows) I wouldn't! Sam: I never said you would! Dean: Fine! Sam: Fine! Look, we don't know what it is. But whatever it is, that guy in the chair's a part of it. So let's find him, and see what's what. Dean: Fine. Sam: Fine. EXT. RIVERGROVE STREET - DAY The Winchesters pull into town past a large billboard advertising Crater Lake. They pull up in front of a wooden shop; out front the older man from the vision (Mark) is cleaning a r*fle; he wears a short-sleeved blue shirt with a multi-pocket brown vest. Sam and Dean get out and approach him. Dean: Morning. Mark: Good morning. Can I help you? Dean: Yeah. (pulling out a badge) Uh, Billy Gibbons, Frank Beard. U.S. Marshals. Mark: What's this about? Dean: We're looking for someone. Sam: A young man, early twenties. (he flashes to the vision) He'd have a, a thin scar right below his hairline. Mark: What'd he do? Sam: Well, nothing. We're actually looking for someone else, but we think this young man could help us. Dean: Yeah, he's not in any kind of trouble or anything; well, not yet. (he glances down at Mark's left arm, which shows a distinctive tattoo) I think maybe you know who he is . . . Master Sergeant. (smiling) My dad was in the Corps, he was a Corporal. Mark: What company? Dean: Echo-2-1. Sam: So can you help us? Mark: (hesitates) Duane Tanner's got a scar like that. But I know him. Good kid, keeps his nose clean. Dean: Oh, I'm sure he does. Um. You know where he lives? Mark: With his family, up Aspen Way. Dean: Thank you. They leave; Mark frowns as he watches them go. Across the street, Sam bumps into a telephone pole and glances at it in passing. He stops; carved into the wood is a single word: CROATOAN They approach the pole and Sam points at the word with a significant look. Sam: Hey. Dean: Croatoan? Sam: Yeah. (Dean looks at him blankly.) Roanoke? Lost colony? Ring a bell? Dean, did you pay any attention in history class? Dean: Yeah! sh*ts heard 'round the world, How bills becomes a laws . . . Sam: That's not school, that's Schoolhouse Rock. Dean: Whatever. Sam: Roanoke was one of the first English colonies in America, late 1500s? Dean: Oh yeah, yeah, I do remember that. The only thing they left behind was a single word carved in a tree. Croatoan. Sam: Yeah. And I mean, there were theories — Indian raid, disease, but nobody knows what really happened. They were all just gone. I mean, wiped out overnight. Dean: You don't think that's what's going on here, I mean . . . Sam: Whatever I saw in my head, it sure wasn't good. But what do you think could do that? Dean: Well, I mean, like I said, all of your weirdo visions are always tied to the Yellow-Eyed Demon somehow, so . . . Sam: We should get help. Bobby, uh, Ellen maybe? Dean: Yeah, that's a good idea. Dean pulls out his cell phone, then frowns at it. Dean: I don't have a signal. Sam does the Same, shakes his head. Sam: I don't either. They walk to a pay phone, which Dean picks up; we hear the "out of service" beeping, and Dean clicks the receiver several times. Dean: Line's d*ad. (he hangs up) I'll tell you one thing. If I was gonna m*ssacre a town, that'd be my first step. EXT. Tanner HOUSE - DAY The Impala is parked outside a cabin--like house in the middle of nowhere, and Sam and Dean approach the front. By the door is a small, tacky plaque that reads "BORN TO FISH; FORCED TO WORK". Sam knocks on the door, and a teenaged boy with dark spiked hair (Jake) opens it. Jake: Yeah? Dean: (flashing the badge) We're looking for Duane Tanner; he lives here, right? Jake: Yeah, he's my brother. Dean: Can we talk to him? Jake: Oh, he's not here right now. Dean: Do you know where he is? Jake: Yeah, he went on a fishing trip up by Roslyn Lake. Sam: Your parents home? Jake: Yeah, they're inside. Mr. Tanner (inside) Jake? Who is it? Dean: (as Mr. Tanner appears) Hi, U.S. Marshals, sir, we're looking for your son Duane. Mr. Tanner: Wh-why? He's not in trouble, is he? Dean: No, no, no, no. We just need to ask him a couple of routine questions, that's all. Sam: When's he due back from his trip? Mr. Tanner: I'm not sure. Sam: Well, maybe your wife knows. Mr. Tanner: No, I don't know, she's not here right now. Dean: Your son said she was. Jake: Did I? Mr. Tanner: She's getting groceries. So, when Duane gets back, there's a number where he can get a hold of you? Dean: Oh no, we'll just check in with you later. They turn and walk down the steps as the Tanners shut the door behind them. Dean: That was kind of creepy, right? A little too Stepford? Sam: Big time. Looking furtively about, they sneak around to the back of the house, crouching below a window. Cut to: INT. Tanner HOUSE - DAY Beverly Tanner is tied to a chair and gagged; Jake comes around behind her, hands on her shoulders. Jake: It's okay, Mom. It's not gonna hurt. Mr. Tanner comes out of the next room with a kitchen Kn*fe. Jake stands in front of his mother and casually rolls up one sleeve; his father cuts into his arm and lets the blood drip onto a wound in Beverly's shoulder. OUTSIDE, Sam and Dean arm themselves and kick down the back door. As they rush in, g*n raised, Mr. Tanner rushes at them with a Kn*fe; Dean sh**t him thrice in the chest. Jake jumps out the window, shattering glass, and darts off into the woods. Sam aims at him through the window but hesitates, giving him time to get away. END ACT ONE EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY Beverly is in the back seat of the Impala; as they pull up in front of the clinic Sam helps her out and leads her to the door. Dean opens the trunk and looks around furtively. INT. CLINIC - DAY Sam leads Beverly inside; the clinic is quiet, dim, and empty. Sam: Hello? Hello? We need a Doctor here! The young woman from the vision (Pam) rushes out, concerned. Pam: Mrs. Tanner, what happened? Sam: She's been att*cked. Pam: Doctor Lee? Dr. Lee: (rushing in) Bring her in. Sam: Okay. Pam leads Sam and Beverly into a back room, and Dr. Lee follows. Dean enters, carrying the (canvas-covered) body of Mr. Tanner hoisted over his shoulders. Dr. Lee: Is that — Dean: Mr. Tanner? Dr. Lee: Was he att*cked too? Dean: Uh . . . no, actually, he did the attacking and then he got himself sh*t. Dr. Lee: sh*t? Dean: Yeah. Dr. Lee: And who are you? Dean: U.S. Marshal. I'd show you my badge, but uh . . . Dr. Lee: Oh. Sorry. Bring him back here. INT. LAB - DAY Beverly is seated on a stool with her shirt off; Dr. Lee sits across from her, treating the wound on her left shoulder. Dr. Lee: Wait, you said Jake helped him? Your son Jake? Beverly: (nodding) They b*at me. Tied me up. Pam: I don't believe it. Dr. Lee: Pam. Beverly . . . do you have any idea why they would act this way? Any history of chemical dependency? Beverly: No, of course not. I don't know why. One minute they were my husband and my son. And the next, they had the devil in them. Sam and Dean are listening to this, and they share a look at her last words. Dean: We gotta talk. (they exit the lab) Those guys were whacked out of their gourds. Sam: What do you think? Multiple demons, mass possession? Dean: If it is a possession there could be more. I mean, God knows how many, it could be like a friggin' Shriner convention. Sam: Great. Dean: Of course, that's one way to wipe out a town, you take it from the inside. Sam: I don't know, man. We didn't see any of the demon smoke with Mr. Tanner, or any of the other usual signs. Dean: Well, whatever. Something turned him into a monster. And you know if you woulda taken out the other one there'd be one less to worry about. Sam: I'm sorry, all right? I hesitated, Dean, it was a kid! Dean: No, it was an "it". Not the best time for a bleeding heart, Sam. Dr. Lee stalks out of the lab, her heels clicking loudly on the floor. Sam: How's the patient? Dr. Lee: Terrible! What the hell happened out there? Dean: We don't know. Dr. Lee: Yeah? Well, you just k*lled my next door neighbor. Dean: We didn't have a choice. Dr. Lee: Maybe so, but we need the county Sheriff. I need the coroner . . . Sam: Phones are down. Dr. Lee: I know, I tried. Tell me you have a police radio in the car? Sam: Yeah we do. But it crapped out just like everything else. Dr. Lee: I don't understand what is happening. Dean: How far is it to the next town? Dr. Lee: It's about forty miles down to Sidewinder. Dean: All right, I'm gonna go down there, see if I can find some help. (clapping Sam on the shoulder) My partner'll stick around, keep you guys safe. Dr. Lee: Safe from what? Dean: We'll get back to you on that. EXT. BLACKTOP - DAY Dean pulls up behind a wrecked car with Oregon plates that read "WTF 4C7"; he stops to investigate, carrying a g*n. The windows on the car are smashed and blood covers the seats; on the ground by the driver's side is a large bloody Kn*fe. He picks it up. INT. CLINIC - DAY Sam is leaning against a counter, staring at the body of Mr. Tanner. He begins pacing; Dr. Lee is nearby, looking at something in a microscope. Dr. Lee: Huh. Sam: What? Dr. Lee: His lymphocyte percentage is pretty high. His body was fighting off a viral infection. Sam: Really? What kind of virus? Dr. Lee: Can't say for sure. Sam: Do you think an infection could have made him act like that? Dr. Lee: None that I've ever heard of. I mean, some can cause dementia, but not that kind of v*olence. And besides, I've never heard of one that did this to the blood. Sam: Did what? Dr. Lee: There's this . . . weird residue. If I didn't know better I'd say it was sulfur. Sam: Sulfur. EXT. BLACKTOP - DAY Dean drives along the road to a bridge, which is blocked by a roadblock consisting of several cars and a half-dozen locals with g*n. One is Jake. He stops the car, frowning. Something bangs down on the roof of the car and he jumps; a man leans over into frame. Dean: Oh-ho-ho. Hey. Man: Sorry. Road's closed. Dean: Yeah, I can see that. What's up? Man: Quarantine. Dean: Quarantine? What is it? Man: Don't know. Something going around out there. Dean: Uh-huh. Who told you that? Man: County Sheriff. Dean: Is he here? Man: No. He called. Say, why don't you get out of the car and we'll talk a little? Dean: (laughs nervously) Well, you are a handsome devil, but I don't swing that way, sorry. Man: I'd sure appreciate it if you got out of the car, just for a quick minute. Dean: Yeah, I'll bet you would. Dean puts the car into a quick reverse; the Man grabs his collar and is dragged along. The men at the roadblock begin f*ring, and Dean swings the car around, shaking the Man off and zooming away. INT. CLINIC - DAY Sam is staring intently at Beverly, still huddled on the stool in the lab. Beverly: I don't understand. Are you saying my husband and Jake had a disease? Dr. Lee: That's what we're trying to find out. Now, during the att*ck, do you remember . . . did you have any direct contact with their blood? Beverly: Oh my God. You don't think I've got this virus, do you? Dr. Lee: Beverly, I don't know what to think. But with your permission, we'll take a blood Sample. Beverly nods and lays her hand gently on Dr. Lee's. Suddenly she grabs Dr. Lee's wrist and yells in rage, lashing out with her other hand. Sam advances on her and she tosses him against a glass cabinet, which shatters. She picks up a scalpel as he takes a f*re extinguisher from the wall; she advances on him, still yelling. He knocks her out. EXT. TOWN ROAD - DAY Dean is driving back into town; Mark steps into his path brandishing a r*fle, and he stops the car. Mark: Hands where I can see 'em! Dean: Okay! Mark: Get out of the car! Out of the car! Dean: (opening the door and getting out slowly) All right, easy there, big guy. As he stands, Dean pulls out a g*n and points it at Mark. Dean: All right, put it down! Mark: Lower it now! Dean: Put it down! Mark: Are you one of 'em? Dean: No! Are you? Mark: No! Dean: You could be lying! Mark: So could you! Dean: All right! All right. We could do this all day, all right? Let's just uh, let's take it easy before we k*ll each other. Mark: (relaxing slightly) What's going on with everybody? Dean: I don't know. Mark: My neighbor . . . Mr. Rogers, he — Dean: You've got a neighbor named Mr. Rogers? Mark: Not anymore. (Dean shakes his head) He came at me with a hatchet. I put him down. He's not the only one, I mean, it's happening to everyone. Dean: I'm heading over to the Doc's place, there's still some people left. Mark: No, no way. I'm getting the hell out. Dean: There's no way out, they got the bridge covered, come on. Mark: I don't believe you. Dean: Fine, stay here, be my guest. Mark hesitates, then changes his mind. He pulls out a g*n and keeps it pointed towards Dean as he gets into the passenger's side; Dean still has his g*n up as well. Dean: (muttering) Well, this ought to be a relaxing drive. INT. CLINIC - DAY Dr. Lee is again looking through the microscope; Pam huddles against the far wall. Pam: What if we all have it? What if we all go crazy? Dr. Lee: You've got to stay calm. All we can do is wait. The Marshal's bringing help. Pam: I can't, I . . . I've got to go. Dr. Lee: Pam! Pam: No, you don't understand. My boyfriend's out there, I gotta make sure he's okay. She hurries out of the lab, and Sam follows her all the way to the lobby. Sam: All right, wait, wait. Please. Look, I know you're upset, all right? But it's safer if you stay here for now. Help is coming. We hear the Impala pull up outside. Sam: There they are. Dean (off-camera) Sammy? Open up! Sam opens the door to let in Dean and Mark; both are still armed. Sam: Did you guys, uh, get to a phone? Dean: Road block. (to Mark) I'm gonna have a word. Doc's inside. Sam: What's going on out there, Dean? Dean: Man, I don't know, I feel like Chuck Heston in the Omega Man, I mean, Sarge is the only sane person I could find. What are we dealing with, do you know? Sam: Yeah. Doc thinks it's a virus. Dean: Okay, great. What do you think? Sam: I think she's right. Dean: Really? Sam: Yeah. And I think the infected are trying to infect others with blood-to-blood contact. Oh, but it gets better. The uh, the virus? Leaves traces of sulfur in the blood. Dean: A demonic virus? Sam: Yeah, more like demonic germ warfare. At least it explains why I've been having visions. Dean: It's like a Biblical plague. Sam: Yeah. You don't know how right you are, Dean. I've been poring through Dad's journal, found something about the Roanoke colony. Dean: And? Sam: Dad always had a theory about Croatoan. He thought it was a demon's name. Sometimes known as Deva or sometimes Reesha. A demon of plague and pestilence. Dean: Well, that, that's terrific. Why here, why now? Sam: I have no idea. But Dean, who knows how far this thing can spread? We gotta get out of here, we gotta warn people. Mark (off-screen) They've got one! In here! Dean: (entering the next room) What do you mean? Sam: The wife. She's infected. Mark: We've gotta take care of this. We can't just leave her in there. My neighbors, they were strong. The longer we wait, the stronger she'll get. Dean barely hesitates before pulling out his g*n and stalking into the lab. INT. LAB - DAY Pam: You're gonna k*ll Beverly Tanner? Sam: Doctor, could there be any treatment? Some kind of cure for this? Dean: Can you cure it? Dr. Lee: For God's sake, I don't even know what "it" is! Mark: I told you, it's just a matter of time before she breaks through. Pam: Just leave her in there, you can't sh**t her like an animal! Dean: Sam. They go to the door of the utility room, where Beverly is being held. Dean and Mark hold their g*n ready; Sam carefully opens the door, and Dean and Mark take up offensive positions. Inside, Beverly is huddled on the floor, knees drawn up. She jumps at their approach. Beverly: Mark, what are you doing? Mark, it's, it's them! They locked me in here, they, they tried to k*ll me! They're infected, not me! Please, Mark! You've known me all your life! Please! Dean: You sure she's one of 'em? Sam nods, his face twisted in distress. As Mark pulls back, near tears, Dean steps forward and fires twice. END ACT TWO INT. CLINIC - NIGHT The shades are drawn, and Mark peers through them cautiously. A few people are gathered outside. Behind him, Sam pulls out a hunting Kn*fe and checks the blade as Dean loads a g*n. In the lab, Pam has just dropped a vial of blood; she screams. Pam: Oh god! Is there any on me? Am I okay? Dr. Lee: You're clean, you're okay. Pam: Why are we staying here? Please, let's just go! Dean: No, we can't, because those things are everywhere. Pam: (sinking down) Oh god . . . Dr. Lee: Hey, shh, shh. Sam: (quietly) She's right about one thing. We can't stay here. We've gotta get out of here, get to the Roadhouse? Somewhere. Let people know what's coming. Dean: Yeah, good point. Night of the Living d*ad didn't exactly end pretty. Mark: Well, I'm not sure we've got a choice. Lots of folks up here are good with r*fles — even with all your hardware we're, we're easy targets. So unless you've got some expl*sives . . . Sam glances up at a shelf of medical supplies and gets an idea. Sam: We could make some. He goes to the shelf and takes down a bottle of Potassium Chloride; just then, someone starts pounding frantically on the front door. The Boys run out. Duane (off-screen) Hey! Let me in, let me in! Please! Mark: It's Duane Tanner! He opens the door and lets Duane in. He has a backpack and is limping. Duane: Thank god. Mark: Duane, you okay? Dean: (quietly, to Sam) That's the guy that I, uh, *clicks tongue* Sam: Yeah. Duane: Who else is in here? Dean: (grabbing his arm) Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy there, chief. Hey Doc! Give Duane a good once-over, would you? Dr. Lee: (leading the group into the lab) Pam? Duane: Who are you? Dean: Never mind who I am. Doc. Dr. Lee: Yeah, okay. Mark: Duane. Where you been? Duane: On a fishing trip up by Roslyn. I came back this afternoon. I . . . I saw Roger McGill being dragged out of his house by people we know! They started cutting him with knives! I ran, I've been hiding in the woods ever since. Has anybody seen my mom and dad? Dean: (turns to Sam, attempting a joking tone) Awkward . . . Duane is sitting on a stool; his left leg has a deep gash in it. Dr. Lee: You're bleeding. Dean: Where'd you get that? Duane: I was running, I must have tripped. Dean: Tie him up, there's rope in there. Duane: Wait . . . Dean: (pulling his g*n on Duane) Sit down! Mark: I'm sorry, Duane, he's right. We've gotta be careful. Duane: Careful? About what? Dean: Did they bleed on you? Duane: No, what the hell? No! Sam: Doc? Any way to know for sure, any test? Dr. Lee: I've studied Beverly's bloodwork backwards and forwards. Duane: My mom! Dr. Lee: It took three hours for the virus to incubate. The sulfur didn't appear in the blood until then, so . . . no, there'd be no way of knowing. Not until after Duane turns. Sam: Dean, I gotta talk to you. Now. Dean glances at Mark, who nods. Dean and Sam leave the lab. Mark: Sit in that chair. INT. ANOTHER ROOM - NIGHT Sam: This is my vision, Dean. It's happening. Dean: Yeah, I figured. Sam: You can't k*ll him, all right? Not yet. We don't know if he's infected or not. Dean: Well, I think we're pretty damn sure. Guy shows up out of nowhere, he's got a cut on his leg, his whole family's infected? Sam: All right, then we should keep him tied up, and we should wait and see. Dean: For what? For him to Hulk out and infect somebody else? No thanks, can't take that chance. He starts to push past Sam, who stops him with a hand on his chest. Dean: Hey look, man, I'm not happy about this, okay? But it's a tough job and you know that. Sam: It's supposed to be tough, Dean. We're supposed to struggle with this, that's the whole point. Dean: What does that buy us? Sam: A clear conscience, for one! Dean: Well, it's too late for that. Sam: (stopping him again) What the hell's happened to you? Dean: What? Sam: You might k*ll an innocent man, and you don't even care! You don't act like yourself anymore, Dean. Hell, you know what? You're acting like one of those things out there. Dean: Mm-hmm. Dean pushes past Sam a third time; Sam tries to stop him again but Dean hurls him against the far wall. He goes back into the hall and locks the door behind him. Sam: Hey! (rattling the lock) Open the damn door, Dean! Don't do it, Dean! Don't! Dean is now in the hallway from the vision in the Teaser. He drops the clip out of the g*n and taps it against the butt, then replaces it. He opens the door to the lab and shuts it behind him; Duane is tied to the chair and Mark, Pam and Dr. Lee stand nearby. Duane: No, you're not gonna . . . No, no, I swear it's not in me! Pam: Oh God. We're all gonna die. Mark: Maybe he's telling the truth. Dean: No, he's not him, not anymore. Duane: Stop it! Ask her, ask the Doctor! It's not in me! Dr. Lee: I . . . I can't tell. Duane: (sobbing) Please, don't. Don't, please. I swear, it's not in me, it's not in me, I swear, I, I swear it's not in me. No, don't. Dean: I got no choice. The moment stretches on: Dean pointing the g*n at Duane with his finger hovering over the trigger, Duane sobbing, the others watching in tense silence. Dean trembles, hesitates, and finally lowers the g*n with a grimace. Dean: Damn it! Duane pants in relief as Dean leaves the room. LATER: Dean and Sam are preparing expl*sives with rags and glass bottles. Dr. Lee enters, hands in her pockets. Dr. Lee: It's been over four hours. Duane's blood is still clean. I don't think he's infected. I'd like to untie him, if that's all right. Dean and Sam share a look; Sam nods, Dean lowers his head. Sam: Sure. Yeah. (she leaves) You know I'm gonna ask you why. Dean: Yeah, I know. Sam: So why? Why didn't you do it? Dean: We need more alcohol. Sam gets up and goes into the dispensary and finds Pam already there. Sam: How you holding up, Pam? Pam: Good. It'll all be over soon. She shuts the door and locks it; Sam, his back turned, doesn't notice. Pam: In fact, I've been waiting for this the whole time. Sam: For what? Pam: To get you alone. She lashes out and knocks him to the ground. She straddles his chest and hits him, hard, across the face. Outside the room, Dean and Mark hear the commotion and arm themselves. Pam has a scalpel in one hand, which she slices across Sam's chest and then across her own palm, placing her wound over his. Dean kicks the door open and sh**t her three times in the back. She convulses and falls to the floor. Sam reaches out a hand to Dean, who starts to lean over to take it; Mark pulls him back. Mark: She bled on him. He's got the virus. Sam pulls his hand back, realizing it's true; close on Dean's face, stunned, looking from Sam to Pam. END ACT THREE INT. LAB - NIGHT Sam is now sitting on the stool, a bandage pressed to his chest. His eyes are down, and he looks near tears. The others surround him, Dean pacing angrily. Dean: Doc, check his wound again, would you? (pause) Doctor! Mark: What's she need to examine him for? You saw what happened. Dr. Lee: Did her blood actually enter your wound? Mark: Come on, of course it did! Dean: We don't know that for sure. Duane: We can't take a chance. Mark: You know what we have to do. Dean: Nobody is sh**ting my brother. Duane: He isn't gonna be your brother much longer. You said it yourself. Dean: Nobody is sh**ting anyone! Duane: You were gonna sh**t me! Dean: You don't shut your pie-hole, I still might! Sam: Dean, they're right. I'm infected; just give me the g*n and I'll do it myself. Dean: Forget it. Sam: Dean, I'm not gonna become one of those things. Dean: Sam, we've still got some time, Mark: Time for what? Look, I understand he's your brother, and I'm sorry, I am. But we gotta take care of this. Mark pulls out his g*n. Dean: I'm gonna say this one time — you make a move on him, you'll be d*ad before you h*t the ground. You understand me? I mean, do I make myself clear?! Mark: Then what are we supposed to do?! Dean tosses Mark his keys. Dean: Get the hell out of here, that's what. Take my car. You've got the expl*sives, there's an arsenal in there. You two go with him. You've got enough firepower to handle anything now. Mark: What about you? Sam: (after a b*at) Dean, no. No. Go with them. This is your only chance! Dean: You're not gonna get rid of me that easy. Mark: No, he's right. Come with us. (b*at) Okay, it's your funeral. He leads Duane and Dr. Lee out the door. Dr. Lee: I'm sorry. Thanks for everything, Marshals. Dean: Oh, actually we're not really Marshals. Dr. Lee: Um. Oh. She leaves, and Dean shuts the door behind her. He turns slowly to face Sam, who starts to cry. Dean: Wish we had a deck of cards, or a foosball table or something. Sam: Dean, don't do this. Just get the hell out of here. Dean: No way. Sam: Give me my g*n, and leave. Dean: For the last time, Sam. No. Sam: (slamming the table) This is the dumbest thing you've ever done. Dean: Oh, I don't know about that. Remember that waitress in Tampa? (shudders) Sam: Dean, I'm sick. It's over for me. It doesn't have to be for you. Dean: No? Sam: No, you can keep going. Dean: Who says I want to? Sam: What? Dean crosses to the other wall and pulls a g*n out of his waistband before sitting on the file cabinet. Dean: I'm tired, Sam. I'm tired of this job, this life . . . this weight on my shoulders, man. I'm tired of it. Sam: So what, so you're just going to give up? You're just gonna lay down and die? Look, Dean, I know this stuff with Dad has — Dean: You're wrong. It's not about Dad. I mean, part of it is, sure, but . . . Sam: What is it about? They hear a noise outside; a moment later there's a knocking on the door. Dean picks up both g*n and crosses to it; Dr. Lee is there. He opens the door. Dr. Lee: You'd better come see this. EXT. CLINIC - NIGHT All five survivors are standing just outside the clinic; everything else in sight is deathly silent. Dr. Lee: There's no one. Not anywhere. They've all just . . . vanished. Close sh*t of a telephone pole into which is carved "CROATOAN". INT. CLINIC - MORNING Dr. Lee is looking through the microscope; Sam is seated on the exam table. Dr. Lee: Well, it's been five hours and your blood's still clean. i don't understand it but I think you dodged a b*llet. Sam: But I was exposed. How could I not be infected? Dr. Lee: I don't know. But you're just not. I mean, you compare it with the Tanner Samples . . . (she looks through another microscope) What the hell? Sam: What? Dr. Lee: Their blood. There's no trace of the virus. No sulfur, nothing. EXT. CLINIC - DAY Mark and Duane are loading up a truck; Dr. Lee stands in the doorway of the clinic. Duane: Hey, the Sarge and I are getting the hell out of here, heading south. You should come. Dr. Lee: I'd better get over to Sidewinder, get the authorities up here. If they'll believe me. Take care. Mark waves to her and to Dean and Sam, who are leaning against the Impala. Dean: What about him? Dr. Lee: He's going to be fine. No signs of infection. Dr. Lee goes back inside as Mark and Duane pull away in the truck. Dean turns to Sam. Sam: Hey man, don't look at me. I got no clue. Dean: I swear, I'm gonna lose sleep over this one. I mean, why here, why now? And where the hell did everybody go? It's like they just friggin' melted. Sam: Why was I immune? Dean: Yeah. You know what? That's a good question. You know, I'm already starting to feel like this is the one that got away? They get in the car and pull away from town. EXT. BLACKTOP - NIGHT Mark drives his pickup down a dark two-lane road; Duane is in the passenger's seat. Duane: You mind pulling up ahead there? Mark: All right. He pulls onto the shoulder and stops the truck. Duane: I gotta make a call. Mark: No phone out here. Duane: I got it covered. He pulls out a small Kn*fe. Mark: What the hell is that? In a quick motion, Duane lashes out, slitting Mark's throat; he catches the blood in a metal bowl, just like the one Meg used to use. He sits back and dips his hand in the blood, swirling it around. Duane: It's over, you'll be pleased. I don't think any more tests are necessary. (b*at) The Winchester boy, definitely immune, as expected. (pause) Yes, of course. Nothing left behind. Close on Duane's face, whose eyes have gone demonic-black. END ACT FOUR EXT. BRIDGE - DAY The Impala is parked by the side of a road, overlooking a river. Dean and Sam lean against a fence, drinking beer. Sam: So. Last night. You want to tell me what the hell you were talking about? Dean: What do you mean? Sam: What do I mean? I mean you said you were tired of the job. And that it wasn't just because of Dad. Dean: Forget it. Sam: No, I can't. No way. Dean: Come on man, I thought we were both going to die, you can't hold that over me. Sam: No, no, no, no. You can't pull that crap with me, man. You're talking. Dean: And what if I don't? Sam: Then I guess I'll just have to keep asking until you do. Dean: I don't know, man. I just think maybe we ought to . . . go to the Grand Canyon. Sam: What? Dean: Yeah, you know, all this driving back and forth across country, you know I've never been to the Grand Canyon? Or we could go to T.J. Or Hollywood, see if we can bang Lindsey Lohan. Sam: You're not making any sense. Dean: I just think we should take a break from all this. Why do we gotta get stuck with all the responsibility, you know? Why can't we live life a little bit? Sam: Why are you saying all this? Dean shakes his head, turning away. Sam: No, no, no, no, Dean. You're my brother, all right? So whatever weight you're carrying, let me help a little bit. Dean: I can't. I promised. Sam: Who? Dean: Dad. Sam: What are you talking about? Dean: (looking down) Right before Dad died, he told me something. (takes a breath, then looks at Sam) He told me something about you. Sam: What? Dean, what did he tell you? END EPISODE transcript by gelasius 12/08/06

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x09 - Croatoan"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 11 Jan 2007 INT. PSYCHIATRIST's OFFICE - DAY Dr. George Waxler, M.D. (according to the business card on the table) is sitting across from his patient, Scott Carey. A tape recorder sits on the table between them. Dr. Waxler: Don't be afraid, Scott. You can tell me anything, you know that. Whatever you say won't leave this room. Scott: It started a little over a year ago. Migraines at first. Then I found I could do . . . stuff. Dr. Waxler: What do you mean, "do stuff"? Scott: I have this ability. When I touch something, I can electrocute it if I want. Dr. Waxler: How do you know? Scott: I did it to the neighbor's cat. Its insides fried up like a hamburger. Dr. Waxler frowns and takes a note, his face passive. Scott: You don't believe me. Dr. Waxler: I believe that you believe it. Scott: (leans forward, extending his hand) Then here. Wanna shake on it? Dr. Waxler: Why would you want to k*ll the neighbor's cat? Scott: I don't. He wants me to, and he doesn't want me to stop there. Dr. Waxler: Who? Scott: The yellow-eyed man. He comes to me in my dreams. Tells me to do things, awful things. But I tell him no, no, I don't want to! Dr. Waxler: What else does the yellow-eyed man tell you? Scott: He . . . he has plans for me. Dr. Waxler: What kind of plans? EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT Scott is walking alone under a dark and creepy train track. He hears something. Scott: Hello? As he gets to his car, he sees a dark figure reflected in the window. Scott turns slowly and sees that it's a man holding a Kn*fe. The man s*ab Scott twice, k*lling him. Blood flows from his mouth. END Teaser TITLE CARD: SUPERNATURAL EXT. LAKESIDE - DAY Dean: Before Dad died he, he told me something — something about you. Sam: What? Dean, what did he tell you? Dean: He said that he wanted me to watch out for you, to take care of you. Sam: He told you that a million times. Dean: No, this time was different. He said that I had to save you. Sam: Save me from what? Dean: He just said that I had to save you, that nothing else mattered; and that if I couldn't, I'd . . . Sam: You'd what, Dean? Dean: That I'd have to k*ll you. He said that I might have to k*ll you, Sammy. Sam: k*ll me? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Dean: I don't know. Sam: I mean, he must have had some kind of reason for saying it, right? Did he know the demon's plans for me? Am I supposed to go Darkside or something? What else did he say, Dean? Dean: Nothing, that's it, I swear. Sam: How could you not have told me this? Dean: Because it was Dad, and he begged me not to. Sam: Who cares?! Take some responsibility for yourself, Dean! You had no right to keep this from me! Dean: You think I wanted this? Huh? I wish to God he'd never opened his mouth. Then I wouldn't have to walk around with this screaming in my head all day. Sam turns and takes a few steps away, fuming. Sam: We've just got to figure out what's going on, then, what the hell all this means. Dean: We do? I've been thinking about this, I think we should just lay low. You know? At least for a while. It'd be safer. And that way I can make sure — Sam: What? That I don't turn evil? That I don't turn into some kind of k*ller? Dean: I never said that. Sam: Jeez, if you're not careful you will have to waste me one day, Dean. Dean: I never said that! Damnit, Sam, this whole thing is spinning out of control. All right? You're immune to some weirdo demon virus, and I don't even know what the hell anymore. And you're pissed at me, I get it. That's fine, I deserve it. But we lay low until we figure out our next move, okay? Sam: Forget it. Dean: Sam, please, man. Hey, please. Just give me some time. Give me some time to think, okay? I'm begging you here, please. Please. Sam nods reluctantly. EXT. VELVET INN MOTEL - NIGHT EPISODE TITLE: HUNTED Sam leaves a motel room alone, a bag over his shoulder. He walks quietly past the Impala to a small black car; he opens the door with a coat hanger, looks around, and gets in. He drives away. EXT. CABIN - NIGHT Sam is standing outside a dark house, holding a piece of motel stationary from The Blue Rose Motel, with an address written on it. He approaches the house cautiously. He picks the lock and enters; the house is dark. As he passes through the doorway he trips a wire at floor level, which triggers a grenade. It explodes; he screams. A close sh*t of his smoking boots dissolves into a flash of light, then into: INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ava, a young woman (born in 1983, perhaps?) wakes up from the vision/nightmare, gasping. The Man behind her stirs. Man: Hey, honey? Ava: Oh. Man: You okay? Ava: No, I just had another nightmare. It's fine, it's nothing. Just go back to sleep. Man: You sure? Ava: Yeah. She lays down again, still panting. END ACT ONE INT. ROADHOUSE - NIGHT Sam enters the ROADHOUSE, and heads turn. Ellen is behind the bar, and looks up as he approaches. She smiles knowingly. Ellen: Sam. Sam: Hey, Ellen. (grinning sheepishly) You don't seem that surprised to see me. Ellen: Well, your brother's been calling, worried sick, looking for you. Sam: Yeah. Figured he might. Ellen: What's going on between you two? Sam: So, um, how's Jo? Ellen: (nodding) Well, I don't really know. Sam: What do you mean? Ellen: Well, I haven't seen her in weeks. She sends a postcard now and again. Sam: Well, what happened? Ellen: Well, after she worked that job with you boys she decided she wanted to keep on hunting. I said "not under my roof", and she said "fine". Sam: So I'm probably the last person you want to see right now. Ellen: (throaty Chuckle) Oh, don't get me wrong. I wish I could blame the hell out of you boys. It's be easier. Truth is, it's not your fault. Sam. None of it is. I want you to know that I forgave your daddy a long time ago for what happened to my Bill. I just don't think he ever forgave himself. Sam: What did happen? Ellen: Um, so, why did you come here, sweetie? Sam: I need help. LATER Ellen and Sam are talking to Ash, who is looking around furtively. Ash: What am I looking for, Sam? Sam: Other people, other psychics, like me. As many as possible, and I need a nationwide search. Ellen: But I thought there was no way to track them all down. Not all of them had nursery fires like you did. Sam: Well, no, but some had to. Start there. LATER Ash emerges from his back room with a piece of paper in his hand. He gives it a flourish. Ash: Done, and done. Sam: That was fast. Ash: Well, apparently, that's my job. Make the monkey dance at the keyboard. Ellen: Just tell us what you got, Ash. Ash: Four folks fit the profile nationwide. Born in '83, mother died in a nursery f*re, the whole shebang. Sam: Four? That's it? Ash: Sam Winchester from Lawrence, Kansas, Max Miller from Saginaw, Michigan, Andrew Gallagher from Guthrie, Oklahoma, and uh, another name. Scott Carey. Sam: You got an address? Ash: Kind of. The Arbor Hill Cemetery in Lafayette, Indiana. Plot four-eighty-six. Sam: So he's d*ad? Ash: k*lled, about a month ago. Sam: k*lled how? Ash: s*ab. Parking lot. Fuzz don't have much, no suspects, Sam: All right. Thank you. As he gets up to leave, Ash slaps him on the back; when he's out of eyeshot Ash picks up Sam's half-full beer and starts drinking it. Ellen: Where are you going? Sam: Indiana. Ellen: Sam? I've gotta call Dean, I've gotta let him know where you are. Sam: Ellen. I'm trying to find answers, about who I am. And my brother means well, but he can't protect me from that. Please. Ellen nods reluctantly. INT. Carey HOUSE - DAY Sam is sitting with Scott's father in his living room, talking. Mr. Carey: So you say you went to high school with Scott? Sam: Uh, yes sir, I did. I just heard about what happened, I'm so sorry. Mr. Carey: Scotty was a good boy. He changed a lot since you knew him. Sam: What do you mean? Mr. Carey: It started about a year ago with these headaches. And then he got depressed, paranoid, nightmares. Sam: Nightmares? Um, did he ever talk to you about his nightmares? What he saw, or, Mr. Carey: No, no. He closed up with me. I tried to get him help, but nothing took. He'd just lock himself in his room for days. Sam: You think maybe I could see his room? INT. Scott's ROOM - DAY Sam pokes around. The room contains a bare bed with a sleeping bag, some bookshelves covered in books and cassette tapes. On the bedside table he sees several bottles of pills, prescribed by Dr. George Waxler. Sam looks behind him, then pockets one bottle. He opens Scott's closet and shoves aside the clothes to reveal a collage of yellow eyes cut out of photos or magazines, glued to the wall. He stares. EXT. BLUE Rose MOTEL - NIGHT Sam walks across the parking lot. As he gets to the door he senses he's being followed; he turns and grabs the figure behind him, shoving her against the wall. It is Ava. Sam: Who are you? Ava: Please! You're in danger. INT. BLUE Rose MOTEL - NIGHT Ava is pacing, talking somewhat frantically. Ava: Okay, look, I know how all this sounds, but I am not insane and I am not on drugs. Okay? I am normal, and this is way, way off the map for me. Sam: All right, all right, just, just calm down. Okay? What's your name? Ava: Ava. Sam: Ava? Ava: Ava Wilson. Sam: Ava, I'm Sam Winchester, all right? Now, you were telling me about these dreams of yours? Ava: Uh, yeah, uh, okay, about a year ago I started having these, like, headaches, and just, nightmares, I guess. And I really didn't think much of it until I had this one dream where I saw this guy get s*ab in a parking lot. Sam: When was this? Ava: Uh, about a month ago. But, anyway, a couple of days later, I found this. She pulls out a newspaper clipping and hands it to Sam; it reads "LOCAL Man s*ab TO DEATH IN PARKING LOT" next to a picture of Scott Carey. Sam takes the clipping. Ava: I saw this guy die, days before it happened. I don't know why, I don't know, it's just for some reason, my dreams are coming true. And last night I had another one. Sam: Okay. Ava: About you. I saw you die. Sam: How did you find me? Ava: Oh, uh, you had motel stationary, and I Googled the motel, and it was real, and so I just thought that I should warn you. Sam: I don't believe this. Ava: Oh, oh, of course you don't. You think I'm a total nutjob. Sam: Wait, no, no, no, I mean, you must be one of us. Ava: Sorry, one of, one of who? Sam: One of the Psychics. Like me. Look, Ava, I have visions too, all right? So we're connected. Ava: (laughs) Okay, so, you're nuts. That's great. Sam: Okay, okay, look. Did your mother happen to die in a house f*re? Ava: No, my mother lives in Palm Beach! Sam: So you don't fit the pattern either. Ava frowns at him in confusion. EXT. BLACKTOP - NIGHT Dean is driving alone, and his cell phone rings. He picks up. Dean: Hello? Ellen: (at the ROADHOUSE) It's Ellen. Dean: Hey, have you heard from Sam? Ellen: I have, but he made me promise not to tell you where he is. Dean: Come on, Ellen, please. Something bad could be going on here, and I swore I'd look after that kid. Ellen: Now Dean, they say you can't protect your loved ones forever. (b*at) Well, I say screw that. What else is family for? He's in Lafayette, Indiana. Dean: Thanks. INT. BLUE Rose MOTEL - NIGHT Ava: Why can't you just leave town? Please? Before you blow up? Sam: No, I can't. Ava: Oh, god. Why not? Sam: Because there's something going on here, Ava. With you, with me. I mean, there are others like us out there. And we're all a part of something, and I've got to figure out what. Ava: Okay. you know what? Screw you, buddy. Okay? Because I'm a secretary from Peoria and I'm not part of anything! Okay? Do you see this? (she fingers her engagement ring) I am getting married in eight weeks. I am supposed to be at home addressing invitations, which I am way behind on, by the way. But instead, I drove out here to save your weirdo ass. But if you just want to stay here and die, fine. Me? I'm due back on Planet Earth. Sam: Don't you want to know why this is happening? I mean, don't these visions scare the hell out of you? Because if you walk out that door right now you might never know the truth. I need your help. INT. Dr. Waxler's OFFICE - DAY Ava is sitting in Waxler's office in a therapy session, to cover for Sam's mission of covert theft. Dr. Waxler: So, Ms. Wilson, you're new in town. Ava: That's right. Dr. Waxler: And what made you decided to seek out therapy? Ava: I have no idea. Dr. Waxler: No? Ava: No. I mean, I'm feeling really super anxious right now, Dr. Waxler: Okay, anything else? Ava: Um . . . (she sees Sam inching by on the window ledge outside) Holy crap! Dr. Waxler: What? (he turns to the window as a few pigeons fly off) Ava: I just remembered, when I was a kid, I swallowed like, eight things of pop rocks and then drank a whole can of coke, you don't think that that counts as a su1c1de attempt, do you? INT. BLUE Rose MOTEL - DAY Ava and Sam return to the motel room with Scott's files. Ava looks stunned. Sam: Are you okay? Ava: Am I okay? Sam: Yeah. Ava: I just helped you steal some d*ad guy's confidential psych files. I'm awesome! LATER The voice recorder from the Teaser is sitting on the table, next to an open file folder. A record from the therapy session is playing. Scott's Voice: It started a little over a year ago. Migraines, at first. Then I found I could do . . . stuff. Waxler's Voice: What do you mean, do stuff? Scott's Voice: I have this ability. When I touch something, I can electrocute it if I want. EXT. BLUE Rose MOTEL - DAY Dean pulls into the parking lot in the Impala; when he sees Sam through the window of his room he sighs in relief. Dean: Oh, thank god you're okay. Sam moves aside, revealing Ava through the window. Dean smiles. Dean: Oh, you're better than okay. Sam, you sly dog! INT. BLUE Rose MOTEL - DAY The recording continues; Sam is leaning over the table, looking more concerned. Waxler's Voice: What else does the yellow-eyed man say? Scott's Voice: He has plans for me. He says there's a w*r coming. That people like me, we're going to be the soldiers. Everything's about to change. (the recording ends) Ava: He's not talking about us, right? Sam: Yeah, I think he is. Ava: But how can we turn into that? Sam: I don't - The window above Sam's head shatters as it's h*t with a b*llet. He dives to the floor with Ava, shielding her body with his. Sam: Get down! Ava: Oh my god! EXT. MOTEL - DAY Across the street, Gordon is on a rooftop with a sn*per r*fle; he continues to take aim and f*re at the motel room. INT. MOTEL - DAY Ava: What's happening? Sam: I don't know. EXT MOTEL - DAY As Gordon is about to take another head-sh*t at Sam, Dean jumps him from behind. Dean: Gordon! Dean kicks Gordon hard, then pins him down on his back, hitting him over and over again in the face. He grabs him by the collar. Dean: You do that to my brother, I'll k*ll you! Gordon: Dean, wait. Gordon manages to grab the r*fle and slam it into Dean twice, knocking him out. He stands over Dean, panting and gushing blood from his lip. END ACT TWO EXT. MOTEL ROOF - DAY Ava and Sam investigate the roof from which Gordon was sh**ting at them. Ava: Wait, I don't understand. Shouldn't we be talking to the cops? Sam: Trust me, that wouldn't do us much good. (picking up a shell) These are .223 caliber. Subsonic grounds, the guy must have put a suppressor on the r*fle. Ava: Dude, who are you? Sam: Oh. I just, uh, I just watch a lot of TJ Hooker. He pulls out his cell phone. Ava: Who are you calling? Sam: My brother. I think we definitely need help. INT. CABIN - DAY Dean is tied to a chair, and Gordon is holding the phone to his ear. Dean: Hello? Sam: Dean! Dean: Sam, I've been looking for you. Sam: Yeah. Look, I'm in Indiana, uh Lafayette. Dean: I know. Sam: You do? Dean: Yeah, I talked to Ellen. Just got here myself. It's a real funky town. You ditched me, Sammy. Sam: Yeah, I'm sorry. Look, right now there's someone after me. Dean: What? Who? Sam: I don't know, that's what we need to find out. Where are you? Dean: I'm staying at, uh, 5637 Monroe St., why don't you meet me here? Sam: Yeah. Sure. (hangs up.) INT. CABIN - NIGHT Gordon: Now, was that so hard? Dean: Bite me. EXT. MOTEL ROOF - DAY Sam is putting his phone away, looking worried. Ava: What is it? Sam: My brother's in trouble. Ava: What? Sam: He gave me a codeword. Someone's got a g*n on him. Ava: Codeword? Sam: Yeah. Funkytown. (b*at) Well, he thought of it. It's kind of a . . .long story, I, come on. INT. CABIN - DAY Gordon has his back to Dean; he opens a canvas bag and starts pulling out w*apon. Dean: So Gordy. I know me and Sam ain't exactly your favorite people, but don't you think this is a little extreme? Gordon: What, you think this is revenge? Dean: Well, we did leave you tied up in your own mess for three days. (laughs) Which was awesome. Sorry, I shouldn't laugh. Gordon: Yeah. I was definitely planning on whuppin' your ass for that. Dean: Mm-hmm. Gordon: But that's not what this is. This isn't personal. I'm not a k*ller, Dean. I'm a hunter. And your brother's fair game. He slams a Kn*fe into its sheath; cut to Dean's shocked face. EXT. STREET - DAY Sam and Ava approach her blue VW beetle. Ava: I don't think I should leave. Sam: I want you out of harm's way, Ava. Ava: What about you? Sam: Harm's way doesn't really bother me. Ava: No, but you are walking right into my vision. I mean, this is how you die. Sam: Doesn't matter. It's my brother. Ava: Maybe I could help! Sam: You've done all you can. Just, just go back to your fiance. Ava: Are you sure? Sam: Yes, I'm sure. Go home, Ava. You'll be safe there. Ava: (she gets in the car) Well, just, promise me you'll call, then. I mean, when you get your brother, just to let me know that everything's all right. Sam: I promise. INT. CABIN - DAY Gordon is leaning against a pillar, cradling a r*fle and speaking casually. Gordon: See, I was doing an exorcism down in Louisiana. Teenage girl, seemed routine, some low-level demon. But between all the jabbering and the head-spinning, the damn thing muttered something. About a coming w*r. And I don't think it meant to, it just kind of slipped out. But it was too late. Peaked my interest. And you can really make a demon talk, you got the right tools. Dean: And what happened to the girl it was possessing? Gordon: She didn't make it. Dean: (shaking his head) Well, you're a son of a bitch. Gordon stares, stands, and slaps him. Gordon: That's my momma you're talking about. (b*at) Anyway. This demon tells me there are soldiers to fight in this coming w*r. Humans, fighting on hell's side. You believe that? I mean, they're psychics, so they're not exactly pure humans, but still. What kind of worthless scumbag have you got to be to turn against your own race? (Dean glares) But you know the biggest kick in the ass? This demon said I knew one of them. Our very own Sammy Winchester. Dean: (Chuckles) Oh, this is a whole new level of moronic, even for you. Gordon: Yeah? Come on, Dean. I know. About Sam's visions. I know everything. Dean: Really? Because a demon told you? (laughs) Yeah, and it wasn't lying. Gordon: Hey, Dean. I'm not some reckless yahoo, okay? I did my homework. Made damn sure it was true. Look, you've got your Roadhouse connections, I got mine. It's how I found Sammy in the first place. (he crosses to the corner and sits) About a month ago I found another one of these freaks here in town. He could deep-fry a person just by touching them. Dean: Yeah, did he k*ll anyone? Gordon: Well, besides Mr. Tinkles the cat? No. But he was working up to it. They're all going to be K*llers, Dean. We've got to take them all out. And that means Sammy too. (he cocks the r*fle) Dean: You think Sam's stupid enough to walk through that front door? Gordon: No, I don't. Especially since I'm sure you found a way to warn him. Ha. You really think I'm that stupid? (Dean raises his eyebrows meaningfully; Gordon stands and starts pacing. ) No. Sammy's going to scope the place, see me covering the front door, so he's going to take the back. And when he does he'll h*t the tripwire. Then, (he takes a grenade from his bag) Boom. Dean: Sam's not gonna fall for a friggin' tripwire. Gordon: Maybe you're right. That's why I'll have a second one. (b*at) Hey, look. I'm sorry. I wish I didn't have to do this, i really do. But for what it's worth, it'll be quick. END ACT THREE INT. CABIN - NIGHT Close sh*t of Gordon setting up the tripwire across the back doorway; he returns to the room where Dean is tied up and straddles a chair. Dean: Come on, man. I know Sam, better than anyone. He's got more of a conscience than I do, I mean, the guy feels guilty surfing the internet for p*rn. Gordon: Maybe you're right. But one day he's going to be a monster. Dean: How? Huh? How's a guy like Sam become a monster? Gordon: Beats me. But he will. Dean: No, you don't know that! Gordon: I'm surprised at you, Dean. Getting all emotional. I'd heard you were more of a professional than this. Look, let's say you were cruising around in that car of yours and, uh, you had Little h*tler riding g*n, right? Back when he was just some goofy, crappy artist. But you knew what he was going to turn into someday. You'd take him out, no questions, am I right? Dean: That's not Sam. Gordon: Yes it is. You just can't see it yet. Dean, it's his destiny. Look, I'm sympathetic. He's your brother, you love the guy. This has got to hurt like hell for you. (he reaches into his bag and pulls out a scarf, stands) But here's the thing. (he gags Dean with the scarf) It would wreck him. But your dad? If it really came right down to it, he would have had the stones to do the right thing here. But you're telling me you're not the man he is? Dean glares furiously. EXT. CABIN - NIGHT Just like Ava's vision from ACT ONE, Sam approaches the cabin, holding up the sheet of motel stationary. He sees Dean, and Gordon, through the boarded-up window, then runs around back. He tries the door and finds it locked; he pulls out his lockpick and works it open. INT. CABIN - NIGHT The clicks from the door can be heard in the front room; Dean looks around wildly. Gordon: You hear him? In the back room, Sam gets the door open and creeps in. Gordon: Here he comes. Dean flinches helplessly as the first grenade explodes. He screams at Gordon. Gordon: Hold on. Not yet. Just wait and see. As the second grenade goes off, Dean struggles violently, choke-sobbing through the gag. Gordon crosses the room and stops beside him. Gordon: Sorry, Dean. He goes into the back room, r*fle ready. He sees Sam's smoking boots on the ground, just like in the vision; he smiles but is still wary. As he turns away from the back door, Sam raises a g*n to the back of Gordon's head and cocks it. Sam: (low, warning) Drop the g*n. Gordon: Shouldn't take your shoes off around here. You might get tetanus. Sam: (shouting) Put it down now! In the front room, Dean turns, hearing Sam's voice, and grunts in relief. Out back, Gordon slowly lowers the r*fle to the floor. Gordon: You wouldn't sh**t me, would you, Sammy? Because your brother, he thinks you're some kind of saint. Sam: Yeah? Well, I wouldn't be so sure. Gordon: See, that's what I said. He turns quickly, knocking the g*n out of Sam's hand and attacking him methodically until he goes down. In the front room, Dean hears the scuffle and struggles against the ropes. Out back, Gordon slowly approaches Sam, who's flat on his back, coughing. Gordon pulls out his Kn*fe. Gordon: You're no better than the filthy things you hunt. As Gordon raises the Kn*fe, Sam lashes out, flipping Gordon over. He punches him twice, then grabs the r*fle and points it at his head. Gordon: Do it. Do it! Show your brother the k*ller you really are, Sammy. Sam hesitates, then slams the butt of the r*fle into Gordon's head, knocking him out. Sam: (fuming) It's Sam. INT. CABIN (FRONT ROOM) - NIGHT Sam shuffles exhaustedly into the room where Dean is tied up; Dean struggles and grunts as he watches Sam approach. Sam claps him on the shoulder as he kneels beside him, untying the ropes. Dean pulls off his own gag frantically, then pulls Sam up to standing. He cups his hand around Sam's neck, staring at him, and Sam claps a hand to Dean's shoulder. Dean pushes away and begins to stagger towards the back room. Dean: That son of a . . . Sam: Dean. No. Dean: I let him live once, I'm not making the Same mistake twice. Sam: Trust me. Gordon's taken care of. Come on. He reaches out and fists Dean's jacket, pulling him towards the front door. EXT. CABIN - NIGHT Sam and Dean walk down the steps from the cabin and away from it; moments later Gordon emerges, a g*n in each hand, and begins f*ring. They duck and run for cover. Dean: Come on! You call this taken care of? (They dive into a ditch by the side of the road and huddle, watching him approach.) What the hell are we doing? Sam: Just trust me on this, all right? As Gordon approaches, three police cars, sirens blaring, pull into the clearing and surround Gordon. Cops emerge, w*apon ready. Cop 1: Drop your w*apon, get down on your knees! Cop 2: Do it, now! Sam and Dean grin at each other as Gordon drops to his knees. Cop 2: Put your hands on your head. Easy now. The cop cuffs Gordon and pats him down, then leads him to a squad car. Another opens the back door of Gordon's red car and pulls out the w*apon rack. Sam: Anonymous tip. Dean: You're a fine upstanding citizen, Sam. END ACT FOUR EXT. HARVELLE's ROADHOUSE - NIGHT Inside, Ellen is on the phone, talking to Dean and keeping her voice down. Ellen: Gordon Walker was hunting Sam? EXT. ROAD - NIGHT Dean: (on the phone) Yeah, he almost k*lled us both because somebody over there can't keep their friggin' mouth shut. Ellen: And you honestly think that it was me? Or Ash? Or Jo? No way. Dean: Well, who else knows about Sam? Huh? I mean, you must have been talking to somebody. Ellen: Hey, you can say a lot of things about us. But we are not disloyal. And we're not stupid. We haven't breathed a word of this. Dean: Gordon said he had Roadhouse connections, Ellen. Ellen: And this roadhouse is full of other hunters. They're all smart. They're good trackers. Each of them with their own patterns and connections. Look, hell, I could name twelve of them right now that are capable of putting this together. (sighs) I am sorry about what happened, Dean. But I can't control these people. Or what they choose to believe. EXT. ROAD - NIGHT Dean is driving; Sam is talking on his phone. Sam: Hey, Ava, it's Sam, again. Um, call me when you get this, just want to make sure you got home okay. All right. Bye. Dean: Everything all right? Sam: Yeah, I hope so. Dean: Well, Gordon should be reaching for the soap for the next few years at least. Sam: Yeah. If they pin Scott Carey's m*rder on him. And if he doesn't bust out. Dean: Dude, you ever take off like that again . . . Sam: What? You'll k*ll me? Dean: That is so not funny. Sam: (laughs) All right. All right. So where to next, then? Dean: One word: Amsterdam. Sam: Dean! Dean: Come on, man, I hear the coffeeshops don't even serve coffee. Sam: I'm not just gonna ditch the job. Dean: Screw the job. Screw it, man, I'm sick of the job anyway. I mean, we don't get paid, we don't get thanked. The only thing we get is bad luck. Sam: Well, come on, dude, you're a hunter. I mean, it's what you were meant to do. Dean: Oh, I wasn't meant to do anything, I don't believe in that destiny crap. Sam: You mean you don't believe in my destiny. Dean: Yeah, whatever. Sam: Look, Dean, I've tried running before. I mean, I ran all the way to California and look what happened. You can't run from this. And you can't protect me. Dean: I can try. Sam: (quietly) Thanks for that. (Dean nods) Look, Dean, I'm gonna keep hunting. I mean, whatever is coming, I'm taking it head-on; so if you really want to watch my back, then I guess you're gonna have to stick around. Dean: Bitch. Sam: Jerk. They both grin; after a b*at, Sam frowns and picks up his phone again. Dean: You calling that Ava girl again? You sweet on her or something? Sam: She's engaged, Dean. Dean: So? What's the point in saving the world if you can't get a little nookie once in a while, huh? (Sam hangs up, scowling in thought) What? Sam: Just a feeling. How far is it to Peoria? EXT. Ava WILSON's HOUSE - NIGHT Sam and Dean do their breaking and entering thing, with flashlights. Sam: Hello? Is anybody home? They go into the bedroom to find Ava's fiance d*ad, face-up on the bed; his shirt and the sheets are soaked in blood. Sam: Oh my god. Dean runs a finger along the windowsill, staring at the powdery substance collected there. Dean: Hey. Sulfur. Demon's been here. Sam sees something on the floor and kneels, picking it up. It is Ava's engagement ring. Sam: (shocked) Ava! END EPISODE transcribed by gelasius 01/12/07

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x10 - Hunted"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 18 Jan 2007 EXT. PIERPONT INN - NIGHT A slow wind blows, creaking in an ancient sign that reads "Pierpont Inn, Est. 1930". Pan down to a beautiful mansion/hotel and the large van pulling up in front of it. INT. PIERPONT INN - NIGHT A large, friendly man follows a young woman (Susan) down the dim hallway inside and up a set of stairs. Susan: Most of the stuff is up here. Man: I still can't believe you're closing this house. You know my parents got engaged here? My grandparents, too. Susan: Yeah, a lot of people did. (reaching the top of the stairs) The boxes are at the end of the hall. Need any help? Man: Oh, no ma'am, I've got it. Two little girls — Tyler and Maggie — in old-fashioned schoolgirl outfits are sitting in the railing that overlooks the entryway. Tyler: He's gonna take our toys? Susan: Only the ones you don't play with anymore. It's not like you don't have enough already. Maggie: (quietly) Son of a bitch. Tyler: Son of a bitch. Susan: (to Tyler) Watch your mouth! Tyler: Maggie said it first! Susan: (long-suffering) Watch your mouth too, Maggie. INT. PLAYROOM - NIGHT Tyler goes into a large room filled with (rather creepy-ass) dolls and a large dollhouse - an exact replica of the hotel. She begins placing dolls into their beds. Tyler: Good night, Tabitha. She looks over, confused, when a doll isn't where she had just placed it. She leans over and sees it lying on the floor of the dollhouse, body facedown but head twisted up. She picks it up slowly. Below, her mother screams. Susan: (on the phone) Oh god. Yes, yes, are you there? Oh, you have to send someone right now, right now! (babbling) I don't know, he, On the floor at her feet is the Man, lying in a pool of blood and contorted like the doll. As Tyler comes to the railing, Susan sees her and gasps. Susan: Tyler, don't look! Don't look! She continues babbling into the phone as Tyler looks down calmly; the man's eyes are staring, his mouth still pulsing in a horrifying gape. END Teaser TITLE CARD: SUPERNATURAL INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY SUBTITLE: PEORIA, ILLINOIS Blues music plays on the radio as we pan over the motel room walls; they are covered in maps, hand-written notes, and a MISSING poster showing Ava's face. The whole scene is eerily reminiscent of John's middle-of-a-hunt wallpaper. Sam: (on the phone) Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Ellen. Dean: (entering) What'd she have to say? Sam: Oh, she's got nothing. Me, I've been checking every database I can think of — federal, state, and local. No one's heard anything about Ava, she just . . . into thin air, you know? Dean: Huh. He hands over one of the two cups of coffee he's carrying to Sam: Sam: What about you? Dean: No, Same as before. Sorry, man. Sam: Ellen did have one thing. Dean: Hmm? Sam: A hotel in Cornwall, Connecticut, two freak accidents in the past three weeks. Dean: Yeah? What's that have to do with Ava? Sam: It's a job. I mean, a lady drowned in the bathtub; then a few days ago a guy falls down the stairs, head turns a complete one-eighty. Which isn't exactly normal, you know? Look, I don't know, Dean, it might be nothing, but I told Ellen we'd think about checking it out. Dean: You did? Sam: Yeah. You seem surprised. Dean: Well yeah, it's just, you know. not the patented Sam Winchester way, is it? Sam: (mildly challenging) What was is that? Dean: I just figured after Ava there'd be, uh, you know, more angst and droopy music and staring out the rainy windows, and, (Sam gives him a look) yeah, I'll shut up now. Sam: Look. I'm the one who told her to go back home. Now her fiancé's d*ad and some demon has taken her off to God knows where. You know? But we've been looking for a month now, and we've got nothing. So I'm not giving up on her, but I'm not going to let other people die either. We've got to save as many people as we can. Dean: Wow. That attitude is just way too healthy for me, and I'm officially uncomfortable now. Thank you. Sam ducks his head and laughs. Dean: All right, call Ellen. Tell her we'll take it. EXT. PIERPONT INN - DAY It's not raining, but the roads are wet and the air misty as Sam and Dean park the Impala in front of the inn. Dean gets out of the driver's side. Dean: Dude, this is sweet. I never get to work jobs like this. Sam: Like what? Dean: Old school haunted houses, you know? Fog, and secret passageways, sissy British accents. Might even run into Fred and Daphne while we're inside. (closing his eyes briefly) Mmm. Daphne. Love her. As they go up the steps, Sam notices an urn on the side of the porch. He inspects it more closely. Sam: I'm not so sure haunted's the problem. Dean: What do you mean? Sam: You see this pattern here? (tapping a five-point symbol engraved in the urn) That's a quincunx, that's a five-spot. Dean: Five-spot. Sam: Yeah. Dean: That's used for hoodoo spellwork, isn't it? Sam: Right, yeah. You fill this thing with bloodweed and you've got a powerful charm to ward off enemies. Dean: Yeah, except I don't see any bloodweed. Don't you think this place is a little too, uh, whitemeat for hoodoo? Sam: Maybe. INT. PIERPONT INN - DAY As they enter, looking around at the quiet interior, Susan enters briskly. Susan: May I help you? Dean: Hi, yeah, I'd like a room for a couple of nights. As Sam moves in, Tyler darts in front of his legs, chased by Maggie, who runs behind him. Susan: Hey! (to Sam) Sorry about that. Sam: No problem. Susan: Well, congratulations, you could be some of our final guests. Dean: Well. Sounds vaguely ominous. Susan: No, I'm sorry, I mean we're closing at the end of the month. (appraising them) Well, let me guess. You guys are here antiquing? Dean: (sharing a "why not?" look with Sam) How'd you know? Susan: Oh, you just look the type. Dean looks vaguely uncomfortable. Susan: So, uh, king-sized bed? Sam: What? No, uh, no, we're, we're . . . two singles, we're just brothers. Susan: Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry. Dean: What'd you mean that we look the type? Sam: You know, speaking of antiques, you have a really, really interesting urn on the front porch. Where did you get that? Susan: Oh, I have no idea, it's been there forever. (handing Dean a key) Here you go, Mr. Mahagov. Dean: Thanks. Susan: (dinging the bell) You'll be staying in room 237. Sherwin, could you show these gentlemen to their rooms? As she says this, Dean turns to see an old, balding man in a black blazer shuffling up behind him. Sherwin: Let me guess. Antiquers? Sherwin drags Dean's clunking duffel bag behind him, up the steps, as the brothers follow. Dean: I could give you a hand with that bag. Sherwin: I got it. Dean: Okay. Sam: So the hotel's closing up, huh? Sherwin: Yep. Miss Susan tried to make a go of it, but the guests just don't come like they used to. Still, it's a damn shame. Sam: Oh yeah? Sherwin: It may not look it anymore, but this place was a palace. Two different vice presidents laid their heads on our pillows. My parents worked here, I practically grew up here. Gonna miss it. Here's your room. He slips the key in the lock and opens the door, handing the key to Sam as he brushes past. Dean turns to shut the door and Sherwin is standing there, hand extended expectantly. Sherwin: You're not gonna cheap on me, are you, boy? Dean looks annoyed as he pulls out his wallet. LATER Sam is sitting, sifting through papers, and Dean is pacing. He Chuckles as he approaches what appears to be an antique wedding dress displayed on a wall like a ghost. Dean: What the — Sam: What? Dean: That's normal. Why the hell would anyone stay here? I'm amazed they kept in business this long. Sam: All right. Victim number one: Joan Edison, forty three years old, a realtor handling the sale of the hotel; and victim number two was Larry Williams, moving some stuff out to Goodwill. Dean: Well, there's a connection, they're both tied up in shutting the place down. Sam: Yeah. Maybe somebody here doesn't want to leave, and they're using hoodoo to fight back. Dean: Who do you think our witch Doctor is, that Susan lady? Sam: No, doesn't seem likely. I mean, she is the one selling. Dean: So what then, Sherwin? Sam: I don't know. Dean: Of course, the most troubling question is why do these people assume we're gay? Sam: Well, you are kinda butch. Probably think you're overcompensating. Dean: (forcing a laugh) Right. INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT Sam and Dean poke around the hallways, Sam sees another urn and picks it up. It too, has a quincunx inscribed. Sam: Hey. Look at that. More hoodoo. They approach a door marked "PRIVATE" and Dean knocks. Susan opens the door. Dean: Hi there. Susan: Hi. Everything okay with your room? Dean and Sam: (talking over each other) Yeah, yeah, everything's great. Susan: Well, I was, I was just in the middle of packing. Dean: Hey! (looking past her) Are those antique dolls? Because this one, this one here, he's got a major doll collection back home. Dontcha? Huh? Sam: (after sh**ting Dean a look) Big time. Dean: Big time. You think he could come — or we could come in and take a look? Susan: I don't know, Dean: Please? I mean, he loves them. He's not gonna tell you this, but he's, he's always dressing 'em up in these little outfits and, um, you'd make his day. You — she would, huh? Huh? Sam: It's true. Susan: Okay. Come on in. Dean: All right. All right! He slaps Sam on the back and follows him in; Sam sh**t him a death glare. Dean: Wow. This is a lot of dolls. I mean, they're nice, you know. Not super creepy at all. Susan: Yeah, I suppose they are a little creepy. But they've been in the family forever. A lot of sentimental value. Sam: What is this? The hotel? Susan: Yeah, that's right. Exact replica, custom built. Sam leans down and picks up the broken doll from earlier. He frowns. Sam: His head got twisted around. What happened to it? Susan: Tyler, probably. Tyler runs in. Tyler: Mommy! Maggie's being mean. Susan: Tyler, tell her I said to be nice, okay? Sam: Hey Tyler. I see you broke your doll. You want me to fix it? Tyler: I didn't break it. I found it like that. Sam: Oh. Well, uh, maybe Maggie did it. Tyler: No, neither of us did it. Grandma would get mad if we broke 'em. Susan: Tyler, she wouldn't get mad. Dean: Grandma? Tyler: Grandma Rose, these were all her toys. Dean: Oh. Really. Where's Grandma Rose now? Tyler: Up in her room. Sam: You know, I'd, I'd really love to talk to Rose about her incredible doll — Susan: (suddenly) No. I mean, I'm afraid that's impossible. My mother's been very sick and she's not taking any visitors. INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT Sam and Dean exit the room, talking in hushed voices. Dean: Well, what do you think? Dolls, hoodoo, mysterious shut-in grandma? Sam: Well, dolls are used in all kinds of voodoo and hoodoo, like curses, and binding spells, and, Dean: Yeah, maybe we've found our witch Doctor. All right, I'll see what I can go dig up on (?) Granny, you go get online, check old obits, freak accidents, that sort of thing, see if she's whacked anybody before. Sam: Right. Dean: Don't go surfing p*rn, that's not the kind of whacking I mean. Sam rolls his eyes and turns back to the room as Dean leaves. INT. LOBBY - DAY Susan signs a wordy legal document with the word "AGREEMENT" at the top. A weak-chinned Lawyer stands nearby. Susan: I've been meaning to ask. What sort of renovations are you planning? Lawyer: They never told you? Susan: Told me what? Lawyer: Uh, Ms. Thompson we plan on demolishing the hotel. Susan: Oh. I see. Excuse me. INT. PLAYROOM - NIGHT Tyler hums to herself over the following as she plays a tea party with several dolls. In an upper room of the dollhouse, a dark-suited figure sits at the edge of a bed. Upstairs, in the parallel room of the real hotel, the Lawyer sits at the edge of his bed. The door behind doll-Lawyer creaks open; The door behind real-laywer creaks open. Tyler hums and pours tea. She hears a creak and goes over to the dollhouse. Doll-Lawyer is hanging by the neck from the ceiling fan. Upstairs, Real-Lawyer is hanging from the neck from the ceiling fan, twitching. END ACT ONE EXT. PIERPONT INN - NIGHT Sam stares through a lace-curtained window as droopy music plays. He watches the coroner cart away the Lawyer's body; Dean is outside, and meets Susan as she comes back towards the inn. Dean: What happened? Susan: Oh, the maid went in to turn down the sheets and he was just . . . hanging there. Dean: That's awful. He was a guest? Susan: He worked for the company that bought the place. Dean: Hmm. Susan: I don't understand. Dean: What? Susan: Had a lot of bad luck around here. Look, if you'd like to check out I'll give you a full refund. Dean: No thanks. I don't scare that easy. INT. Hotel ROOM - NIGHT Sam is sitting alone in the dark, framed by the half-open door with the key askew in the lock. Dean enters and shuts the door behind him, all business-mode. Dean: There's been another one. Some guy just hung himself in his room. Sam: (darkly) Yeah. I saw. Dean: We've gotta figure this out, and fast. What'd you find out about Granny? Sam: You're bossy. Dean: (looking around in surprise) What? Sam: You're bossy. And short. (laughs sloppily) Dean: Are you drunk? Sam: Yeah. So? Stupid. Dean: (he looks around and sees several empty bottles) Dude, what are you thinking? We're working a case. Sam: (tearful, staring at nothing) That guy who hung himself. I couldn't save him. Dean: What are you talking about? You didn't know, you couldn't have done anything. Sam: (shifting his gaze to Dean) That's an excuse, Dean. I should have found a way to save him. I should have saved Ava too. Dean approaches Sam. Dean: Yeah, well, you can't save everyone, even you said that. Sam: (slamming the table) No, Dean, you don't understand, all right? The more people I save, the more I can change! Dean: Change what? Sam: (leaning forward, hands to chest) My destiny, Dean! Dean: All right. Time for bed. Come on, Sasquatch. (He leans over and hauls Sam up by the shoulders.) Come on. Sam: I need you to watch out for me. Dean: Yeah. I always do. Sam: No! No, no, no. You have to watch outfor me, all right? And if I ever turn into something that I'm not, (b*at) You have to k*ll me. Dean: (dismissive) Sam. Sam: (shoving Dean to face him) Dean! Dad told you to do it, you have to. Dean: Yeah, well, Dad's an ass. (Sam frowns in confusion) He never should have said anything, I mean, you don't do that, you don't, you don't lay that kind of crap on your kids. Sam: No. He was right to say it! Who knows what I might become? Even now, everyone around me dies! Dean: Yeah, well, I'm not dying, okay? And neither are you. Come on. Sam. He pushes Sam onto the bed, but Sam stays seated, reaching up and clutching Dean's jacket. Dean's right hand curls in the fabric at Sam's shoulder. Sam: No, please! Dean, you're the only one who can do it. Promise. Dean: Don't ask that of me. Sam: Dean, please. You have to promise me. Dean: (after a b*at) I promise. Sam: Thanks. (he reaches up and grabs Dean's face with both hands) Thank you. Dean: All right. Come on. He bats Sam's hands away and shoves him back on the bed. Sam falls back, then turns over on his belly to plant his face in the pillow, hugging it with both arms. Dean rubs a hand over his face. INT. DOWNSTAIRS - NIGHT Dean goes down to the antique, empty bar. Sherwin is behind the bar, and Dean sits down. Sherwin: Find any good antiques? Dean: (remembering) Um, no! No, I got distracted. Sherwin: Have a drink. Dean: Yeah, thanks. (Sherwin pours a drink) So, poor guy, huh? k*lling himself? Sherwin: That kind of thing seems to be going around lately. Dean: Yeah, yeah, I heard about the other ones. It's almost like this hotel is cursed or something. Sherwin: Every hotel has its spilled blood. If people only knew what's gone on in some of those rooms they've checked into. Dean: You know a lot about the place, don't you? Sherwin: Down to the last nail. Dean: I'd love to hear some stories. Sherwin: Boy, you should never say that to an old man. INT. ENTRANCEWAY - NIGHT Sherwin leads Dean up the wide staircase, showing him old framed photographs on the walls. Sherwin: This is little miss Susan, and her mother Rose. Happier days. Dean: They're not happy now? Sherwin: Well, would you be, leaving the only home you ever knew? Dean: I don't know, I never really knew one. Sherwin: Well, this is Rose's home, been in the family over a century. Used to be the family estate. And now she gets to live in some senior living graveyard, and they tear this place down. Dean: Yeah, that's too bad. (they start down the stairs) I hear Rose isn't feeling well, either. Sherwin: No, she isn't. Dean: What's wrong with her? Sherwin: It's not my business to say. Dean: Oh. (he looks at another photo) Who's this? Sherwin picks up a yellowing photograph of a girl sitting on a chair with young black woman; the woman has a quincunx necklace. Sherwin: That's Rose, when she was a little girl. Dean: Who's that with her? Sherwin: That's her nanny, Marie. She looked after Rose more than her own mother. Dean frowns in concern as Sherwin replaces the photo. INT. BEDROOM - MORNING Sam is kneeling miserably in front of the toilet, his hair hanging in his face. Dean enters and grins at the sight. Dean: How you feeling, Sammy? (Sam groans again) I guess mixing whisky and Jager wasn't such a gangbuster idea, was it? (hopefully) I'll bet you don't remember a thing from last night, do you? Sam: (groans) I can still taste the tequila. (Dean smiles in relief) Dean: You know, there's a really good hangover remedy, it's a, it's a greasy pork sandwich served up in a dirty ashtray. Sam: (heaving) Oh, I hate you. Dean: I know you do. Hey, turns out when Grandma Rose was a tyke she had a Creole nanny who wore a hoodoo necklace. Sam: So you think she taught Rose hoodoo? Dean: Yes I do. Sam: All right. (standing painfully) I think it's time we talked to Rose, then. Dean: (grimacing) Oh. You can brush your teeth first. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Sam and Dean approach the door marked "PRIVATE" and knock. Sam: Hello? Susan? (Dean looks around furtively) Clear? Dean: Mm-hmm. Sam kneels before the door and picks the lock. INT. PLAYROOM - DAY Sam and Dean enter the creepy doll room and go to the door in the back; it's open, and they go through to find a dimly lit staircase. They creep upstairs and to the end of another hallway, into a small room whose door is ajar. Rose is seated in a wheelchair facing the rainy window, her back to them. They approach cautiously. Sam: Mrs. Thompson? Mrs. Thompson? (She is trembling, staring at nothing) Rose? Hi, Mrs. Thompson, we're not here to hurt you, it's okay — (she does not respond, just trembles harder) Rose? (then, quietly) Dean. (drawing Dean over to the side) This woman's had a stroke. Dean: Yeah, but hoodoo's hands-on, I mean, you've got to mix herbs, and chant, and build an altar. Sam: Yeah. So it can't be Rose. Hey, maybe it's not even hoodoo. Dean: Or she could be faking. Sam: Yeah, what are you gonna do, poke her with a stick? (Dean frowns, nodding) Dude! You're not gonna poke her with a stick! Susan: (entering) What the hell?! What are you doing in here? Sam(overlap) Oh, we just wanted to talk to Rose . . . Dean(overlap) Well, the door was open . . . Susan: Look at her, she is scared out of her wits. I want you out of my hotel in two minutes or I'm calling the cops. They leave without hestiation. EXT. PIERPONT INN - DAY The Impala rumbles out of the hotel parking lot. INT. BALCONY - DAY Tyler and Maggie are playing jacks. Maggie: Your turn. Eightsies. Susan: Have you started packing yet? Tyler: No. Susan: Why not? Tyler: I don't wanna move. Susan: Yes, I know, but we have to. Tyler: But Maggie says we're not allowed to move. Maggie: Yeah. Susan: Tyler, enough. Maggie is imaginary. You're too old to have an imaginary friend and I am done pretending. Maggie: (sinister) I don't like her. END ACT TWO EXT. INN - DAY Susan walks outside and places a box in the trunk of a small red car parked outside. Sherwin pulls up in a red pickup truck. Sherwin: I can lug those boxes for you. Susan: I got it, Sherwin, thanks. Sherwin: Okay then. See you later. He drives off. INT. PLAYROOM - DAY Tyler winds up a toy and watches it go back and forth. The miniature swingset beside her starts moving on its own. She stares at it. EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY A creepy wind blows, and Susan stares as the full-sized swingset also begins moving on its own. She approaches the playground cautiously; all the playsets are moving, and the car starts behind her. She lays a hand on the teeter-totter to stop it. Everything starts moving faster, and suddenly the car revs its engine and comes straight at her. At the last moment Sam appears, tackling her out of the way. Sam: Are you okay? Susan: I think so. Dean: Come on, come on. Let's get inside, let's go. They help her into the inn. INT. INN - DAY Sam and Dean guide Susan into the bar and to a table. Susan: Whisky. Sam: Sure. I know the feeling. Susan: What the hell happened out there? Dean: You want the truth? Susan: Of course. Dean: Well, at first we thought it was some sort of hoodoo curse, but that out there? That was definitely a spirit. Sam: (handing her a glass of whisky) Here. Susan: You're insane. Dean: Yeah, it's been said. Sam: Look, I'm sorry, Susan. We don't exactly have time to ease you into this, but we need to know when your mother had the stroke. Susan: What does that have to do with any— Sam: Just answer the question. Susan: About a month ago. Sam: Right before the killings began. (to Dean) See? So what if Rose was working hoodoo, but not to hurt anyone. To protect them. Dean: She was using the five spot urns to ward off the spirit. Sam: Right, until she had a stroke and she couldn't anymore. Susan: I don't believe this. Dean: Listen, sister, that car didn't try to run you down by itself, okay? I mean, I guess it did, technically, but, but the spirit can — forget it. Sam: (interrupting) Look, believe what you want. But the fact is you and your family are in danger, all right? So you need to clear everybody out of here: your employees, your mother, your daughters, everyone. Susan: Um, I only have one daughter. Sam: One? Dean: I thought Tyler had a sister named Maggie. Susan: Maggie's imaginary. Sam: Where's Tyler? INT. Rose's ROOM - DAY Maggie is standing in front of a terrified Rose. Maggie: She's going to stay here with me. And you can't stop me. There's nothing you can do about it. Tyler: (entering) Maggie, don't! You're not supposed to bother grandma. Maggie: I know. Come on. Let's play. Tyler: Can we have a tea party? Maggie: We can have lots of tea parties. Forever and ever and ever. END ACT THREE INT. PLAYROOM - DAY Susan leads Sam and Dean up to the playroom. Susan: Tyler! They go into the room; the floor is littered with broken dolls. Susan starts to panic. Susan: Oh my god. Tyler. Tyler! She's not here! Sam: Susan. Tell us what you know about Maggie. Susan: Uh, not much. Um, Tyler's been talking about her since Mom got sick. Sam: Okay, did you ever know anyone by that name? Susan: Uh, no . . . Dean: Think, think, I mean, somebody that could have lived here, might have passed away? Susan: Oh my god. My mom. My mom had a sister named Margaret. She barely spoke about her. Sam: Did Margaret happen to die here when she was a kid? Susan: She drowned in the pool. Dean: Come on. INT. POOL - DAY Maggie and Tyler are hanging on the ledge above the pool. Tyler: I don't like it up here. I'm scared. Maggie: It's okay. All you have to do is jump. Tyler: I can't swim. Maggie: I know. But it won't hurt. I promise. And then we can be together foreger. And no one will bother us. Tyler: Why don't you just come with me and mommy? Maggie: Because I can't leave here. And you can't leave me. Please. I don't want to be alone. EXT. INN - DAY Susan, Sam and Dean run through the gardens to the pool house. They reach the door and pound on it. It's locked tight, and Sam and Dean start pounding at the glass to break it. Susan: Tyler! Tyler: Mommy! Maggie grabs her wrist and pulls her forward; she falls into the pool with a scream. Dean: Is there another entrance? Susan: Around back. Dean: All right, let's go. (to Sam) Keep working. As they run around the building, Sam continues to pound at the door; he looks back and sees a large potted plant. He pulls the plant out, picks up the heavy pot, and starts pounding the door with it. Inside, Tyler flounders in the water as Maggie holds her head down. Dean approaches the back door and holds Susan aside. Dean: Stand back. He front-kicks the door, twice, but it hardly budges. Dean: Son of a bitch! As Maggie holds Tyler's head under the water, a wavering voice calls her from above. Rose: Margaret. Margaret! Sam finally breaks through the glass and wriggles through the opening. Without hesitation he leaps over the railing and into the pool. He pushes past the plastic covering the pool to reach Tyler, lifting her in his arms. She is unconscious. Dean breaks through the back door and he and Susan rush in to meet Sam as he exits the pool. After a tense moment, Tyler coughs and wakes up. Susan: Thank god! Tyler: Mommy! Susan: Yeah, baby, I'm here. Sam: Tyler, do you see Maggie anywhere? Tyler: No, she's gone. Mommy. INT. Rose's ROOM - DAY Maggie: You'd really do that for me? (pause)Yes. If you did, I'd let them go. But I don't understand. You kept me away for so long. I thought you didn't love me anymore. (b*at) Okay. Little sister. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Susan holds Tyler close to her as they go up towards Rose's room. Susan: Don't worry, honey, we're leaving in two minutes, we've just got to get Grandma. Dean: I don't get it, did Maggie just stop? Sam: Seems like it. Dean: Well, where the hell did she go? Upstairs, Susan screams. They go running up to Rose's room to find her slumped in her wheelchair, d*ad. END ACT FOUR Susan: Paramedics said it was another stroke. Do you think Margaret could have had something to do with it? Dean: We don't know. Sam: But it's possible, yeah. (b*at) Susan, I'm sorry. Susan: You have nothing to apologize for. You've given me everything. (to Tyler, as she comes out) Ready to go, kiddo? Tyler: Yeah. Dean: Now Tyler, you're sure Maggie's not around anymore? Tyler: I'm sure. I'd see her. Dean: I guess whatever's going on must be over. Sam holds the taxi door for Susan Sam: You two take care of yourselves, all right? Before getting in the taxi, she turns and gives Sam a full-body hug. Dean smirks. Susan: Thank you. Both of you. Sam shuts the door behind her. Dean: Think you could have hooked up some MILF action there, bud. I'm serious, I think she liked you. Sam: Yeah, that's all she needs. Dean: Well, you saved the mom, you saved the girl. Not a bad day. 'Course you know, I could have saved them myself, but I didn't want you to feel useless. Sam: All right, I appreciate it. Dean: Feels good getting back in the saddle, doesn't it? Sam: Yeah, it does. But it doesn't change what we talked about last night, Dean. Dean: We talked about a lot of things last night. Sam: You know what I mean. Dean: You were wasted. Sam: But you weren't. And you promised. They get into the car; Sam in a full-on brood, Dean flicking his eyes towards Sam in worry. They pull away from the inn. Slow pan through the inn to the upstairs bedroom, where Maggie and Rose (now appearing about Tyler's age) are skipping rope and counting. END Transcript by gelasius - Jan. 2007

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x11 - Playthings"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 1 Feb 2007 Note: This is the first episode of the season that does not begin with a "then" preview. SUBTITLE Providence, Rhode Island A young woman (Gloria) is sitting in a dark room, watching television (it appears to be "The Drew Carey Show") and smoking. She wears smudged hooker makeup and the table to her left holds several small angel statues and an ashtray filled with cigarette butts. DIALOGUE ON TV: Woman: How little? Drew: How about "a little eyeshadow"? (LAUGHTRACK) You know, all this stuff, it's just very unprofessional. Mimi: Don't touch the troll! Drew: Is that what your mom used to say to your dates? (LAUGHTRACK) Mimi: Put the trolls down or I'll put a staple right between your-[/i] Gloria sighs heavily and lifts the remote control. As we pan over to reveal the television, she flips to a televangelist station. Televangelist: Now I know it's hard. It's hard to look up when you're down. It's hard to look up and see the light. But I'm here to tell you folks, the Lord is with you. Gloria turns off the television; the lamp to her right begins sputtering and flickering. She looks around, frowning, and stamps out her cigarette. The television suddenly turns on again, and Gloria gasps in shock. Televangelist: You don't have to suffer, you don't have to be lost. The lord is talking to you right now; he's saying, you are my child and you have a purpose! You think God forgot about you? I tell you no! All you got to do is listen! Can't you just hear those angels singing? Isn't it beautiful? It's time. It's time to receive the message he's sending. It's time to listen to the Word of God! Do you hear the glory? I said, can you hear it? I said, can you just hear the glory? The lamp is still flickering and the entire room begins to shake. Gloria clutches at the couch, looking around in panic. Behind her, a blinding light glows, and she turns to face it in horror, then awe. Gloria (no sound) Oh my god. END Teaser INT. PSYCH WARD - DAY Gloria is seated quietly on her bed in a psych ward. Her hair is straight and her face clean; she's wearing a bathrobe and reading a book held in her left hand. The door opens behind her and she turns. Gloria: Good morning. You're not the usual guy. Pan around to reveal who she's talking to; it's Sam, in white scrubs and holding a clipboard. Sam: No, uh, just filling in. So how you feeling today, Gloria? Gloria: I've never felt better. Sam: So, no disturbances lately? Gloria: You mean am I stark raving cuckoo for coco puffs? Sam: I didn't' say that. Gloria: It's all right. I know what people must think. Sam: What do you think? Gloria: I think what I saw was real. EPISODE TITLE: HOUSES OF THE HOLY Sam looks around, pulls up a chair and sets the clipboard down. He leans forward, elbows on knees, and gives her an intensely earnest look. Sam: I'd like to know what you saw. Gloria: It was all over the news. I s*ab a man in the heart. Sam: Why would you do that? Gloria: Because it was God's will. Sam: Did God talk to you? Gloria: No. I get the sense God's a little busy for house calls. No, he, he sent someone. Sam: Someone? Gloria: An angel. It came to me in this beautiful white light, and it filled me with this feeling. It's, it's hard to describe. Sam: And this angel... Gloria: Spoke God's Word. Sam: And the Word was to k*ll someone? Gloria: I know, it sounds strange. But what I did was very important. I helped him smite an evil man. I was chosen. For redemption. Sam: This man you s*ab, did the angel give you his name? Gloria: No, he just told me to wait for the sign. And the very next day I saw it, right beside the man's doorway. And I knew. Sam: Why him? Gloria: I just know what the angel told me: that this man was guilty to his deepest foundations. And that was good enough for me. INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY Dean is lying on the motel bed, which is vibrating, as he listens to music on his phone. As Sam enters, Dean doesn't notice him. Sam: Hey. (smacking Dean on the boot) Hey! Dean: Hey. Man, you gotta try this, I mean there really is magic in the Magic Fingers. Sam: Dean, you're enjoying that way too much, it's kind of making me uncomfortable. Dean: What am I supposed to do? I mean, you've got me on lockdown here, I'm bored out of my skull. Sam: Hey, you were the bank robber on the eleven o'clock news, not me. We can't risk you just walking into a government facility. Dean: Hmm. Sam waves a dismissing hand at Dean as he turns to go into the bathroom. The bed shutters to stillness. Dean: Aw, damnit! That was my last quarter. Hey! You got any quarters? Dean pulls his headphones out and gets up, crossing the room and leaning on the doorway to the bathroom where Sam is washing his face. Sam: No. Dean: So did you get in to see that crazy hooker? Sam: Yeah. Gloria Sitnick. And I'm not so sure she's crazy. Dean: But she seriously believes she was touched by an angel? Sam: Yeah. Blinding light, feelings of spiritual ecstasy, the works. I mean, she's living in a locked ward and she's totally at peace. Dean: Oh yeah, you're right, that sounds completely sane. What about the dude she s*ab? Sam: Uh, Carl Gully. She said she k*lled him because he was evil. Dean: Was he? Sam: I don't know. I mean, I couldn't find any dirt on him. I mean, he didn't have a criminal record, he worked over at the campus library, had lots of friends, he was a churchgoer, Dean: Hm. So then Gloria's just your standard-issue wacko. I mean, she wouldn't be the first nutjob in history to k*ll in the name of religion, know what I mean? Sam: No, but she's the second in town to m*rder because an angel told them to. Little odd, don't you think? Dean: Well, odd yes, supernatural maybe. But angels? I don't think so. Sam: Why not? Dean: (as if it's obvious) Because there's no such thing, Sam. Sam: Dean, there's ten times as much lore about angels as there is about anything else we've ever hunted. Dean: Yeah, you know what? There's a ton of lore on unicorns too. In fact, I hear that they, they ride on silver moonbeams, and they sh**t rainbows out of their ass. Sam: (sitting down, total deadpan) Wait, there's no such thing as unicorns? Dean: That's cute. I'm just saying, man, there's just some legends that you just, you file under "bullcrap". Sam: And you've got angels on the bullcrap list. Dean: Yep. Sam: Why? Dean: Because I've never seen one. Sam: So what? Dean: So, I believe in what I can see. Sam: Dean! You and I have seen things that most people couldn't even dream about. Dean: Exactly. With our own eyes, that's hard proof, okay? But in all this time I have never seen anything that looks like an angel. And don't you think that if they existed that we would have crossed paths with them? Or at least know someone that crossed paths with them? No. This is a, a demon or a spirit, you know, they find people a few fries short of a happy meal, and they trick them into k*lling these randoms. Sam: Maybe. Dean: (rolls his eyes) Can we just — I'm going stir-crazy man. Hey, let's go by Gloria's apartment, huh? Sam: I was just there. Nothing. No sulfur, no EMF, Dean: You didn't see any fluffy white wing feathers? Sam: But Gloria did say the angel gave her a sign, right beside Carl Gully's doorway. Dean: (eagerly) Could be something at his house, worth checking out. EXT. GULLY HOUSE - DAY Dean is driving as they pull up in front of Carl Gully's house. It is a moderate single-family home with steps leading up to the front door; to the left of the door is a plastic angel figure. Dean mounts the steps and sees it. Dean: Oh hey, Sam. I think I found it. It's a sign from up above. (he peers in the window) Well, I think I learned a valuable lesson: Always take down your Christmas decorations after New Year's, or you might get filleted by a hooker from God. Ha. Sam: I'm laughing on the inside. Sam wanders around back, through a gate, and Dean follows; they find a wooden storm cellar. Sam: You know, Gloria said the guy was guilty to his deepest foundations. Dean: You think she literally meant the foundation? INT. STORM CELLAR - NIGHT Sam and Dean open the creaking door and go down the steps, shining flashlights. Dean: Hmm. Sam notices scratches on a wall near the floor; he leans over to get a closer look. Sam: Hey. Dean: You got something? Sam digs at the wall and pulls something out. Dean: What is it? Sam: It's a fingernail. Dean pulls two shovels from the wall and they begin to dig. LATER, a deep pit has been completed to reveal a pile of skeletons. Sam: So much for the innocent churchgoing librarian. Dean: Yeah, well, whatever spoke to Gloria about this knew what it was talking about, I'll give you that. INT. Zach's APARTMENT - NIGHT A young man (Zach)is lying on a single bed, staring at the ceiling. He drinks from a bottle of liquor; a comic book entitled "THESEUS" rests open on his chest. The room begins to shake violently, the lights flickering. More bottles tumble to the floor from the night stand, and the television topples with a crash. Zach scrambles out of bed frantically; a blinding light appears in front of him and he holds up a hand in terror; then awe washes over his features. EXT. STREET - NIGHT Zach walks down the sidewalk calmly, hands in his pockets; he sees the blinding light beside a house and stops, nodding and smiling. He approaches the house and knocks. A middle-aged man (Frank) opens the door. Frank: Yes? Zach: Hi. My name is Zach. Frank: Can I help you? Zach pulls out a Kn*fe and s*ab Frank through the heart. We pull back to reveal a stone angel to the left of the door - approximately where the blinding light had come from. END ACT ONE INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY Dean is sitting on the edge of the bed with a police radio in hand, listening. He looks painfully bored. Woman's Voice (Police Radio): We've got a minor TA, involving a motorcycle and a, uh van, this is at the corner of 28th and Pine, 28th and Pine As Sam enters, Dean sighs and looks back at the "Magic Fingers" controller. Dean: Did you bring quarters? Sam frowns at the controller. Sam: Dude, I'm not enabling your sick habit. (tossing a sandwich at Dean) You're like one of those lab rats that pushes the pleasure button instead of the food button until it dies. Dean: What are you talking about? I eat. And I got news. Sam: Me too. Dean: All right, you go first. Sam: Three students have disappeared off the college campus in the last year. All of them were last seen at the library. Dean: Where Carl Gully worked. Sam: Yep. Dean: Sick bastard. Sam: So Gloria's angel — Dean: Angel? Sam: Okay. Whatever this thing is . . . Dean: Okay, well, whatever it is, it's struck again. Sam: What? Dean: I was listening to the police radio before you got here; there was this guy, uh, Zach Smith, some local drunk; he went up to a stranger's front door last night, s*ab him in the heart. Sam: And then I'm guessing he went to the police and confessed? Dean: Yep. Roma Downey made him do it. (crossing the room to take a Post-it note off the mirror) Now, I, uh . . . I got the victim's address. EXT. VICTIM's HOUSE - DAY Sam and Dean climb over the fence into the yard and sneak in through the window. Sam sits down at the computer as Dean searches the house. Sam: Find anything? Dean: Well, Frank liked his catalogue shopping, but that's about all I got. Sam: Not much here. Except he's got this one locked file on his computer, I can't . . . . hold on. (he presses a few buttons, then grins in triumph) Not anymore. God. Dean: What? Sam: Well, he's got all these emails. Dozens, to this lady named Jennifer. (b*at) This lady who's thirteen years old. Dean: Oh, I don't want to hear this. Sam: Looks like they met in a chat room. These emails are pretty personal, Dean. Look at that. Setting up a time and place to meet. Dean: Great. Sam: They were supposed to meet today. Dean: Huh. Well, I guess if you're gonna s*ab someone, good timing. I don't know, man, this is weird, you know? I mean, sure, some spirits are out for vengeance, but this one's almost like a do-gooder, you know? Like a, Sam: Avenging angel? (Dean turns away) Well, how else do you explain it, Dean? Three guys, not connected to each other, all s*ab through the heart? At least two were world-class pervs, and I bet if you dug deep enough on the other guy — Dean: (picking something up) Hey. Sam: What? Dean: You said Carl Gully was a churchgoer, right? Sam: Yeah, Dean: What was the name of his church? Sam: Uh, Our Lady of the Angels? Dean: Of course that'd be the name. (he holds up a church flier) Looks like Frank went to the Same church. INT. OUR LADY OF THE ANGELS CHURCH - DAY Dean and Sam walk through the sanctuary of the church, speaking to a friendly-looking priest (Father Reynolds). Father Reynolds So you're interested in joining the parish? Dean: Yeah, well, you know, we just don't feel right unless we h*t church every Sunday. Fr. Reynolds: Where'd you say you lived before? Sam: Uh, Dean: Fremont, Texas. Sam: Yeah. Fr. Reynolds: Really? That's a nice town. St. Teresa's parish, you must know the priest there. Dean: Sure, yeah, no it's uh, Father O'Malley. Fr. Reynolds: Hmm, I know a Father Shaughnessy. Dean: Shaughnessy, exactly. What'd I say? Sam: You know, we're just happy to be here now, Father. Fr. Reynolds: And we're happy to have you, we could use some young blood around here. Dean: Hey, listen, I gotta ask — no offense, but uh, the neighborhood? Fr. Reynolds: Well, it's gone to seed a little, there's no denying that, but that's why what the church does here is so important. Like I always say, you can expect a miracle, but in the meantime you work your butt off. Dean: Huh. Yeah, we heard about the m*rder. Fr. Reynolds: Yes. The victims were parishioners of mine, I'd known them for years. Sam: And the K*llers said that an angel made them do that? Fr. Reynolds: Yes. Misguided souls, to think that God's messenger would appear and incite people to m*rder. It's tragic. Dean: So you don't believe in those angel yarns? Fr. Reynolds: Oh, no, I absolutely believe. Kind of goes with the job description. Sam: (nodding to a painting on the wall) Father, that's Michael, right? Fr. Reynolds: That's right. The archangel Michael, with the flaming sword. The fighter of demons, holy force against evil. Sam: So they're not really the Hallmark card version that everybody thinks? They're fierce, right? Vigilant? Fr. Reynolds: Well, I like to think of them as more loving than wrathful; but yes, a lot of Scripture paints angels as God's warriors. "An angel of the Lord appeared to them, the glory of the Lord shone down upon them, and they were terrified." (Sam nods, Dean looks confused) Luke. Two nine. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Sam: Well, thank you for speaking with us, Father. Fr. Reynolds: Oh, it's my pleasure. Hope to see you again. Dean: (seeing a collection of tribute items at the bottom of the steps) Hey, Father, what's, what is all that for? Fr. Reynolds: Oh, that's for Father Gregory. He was a priest here. Dean: Was? Fr. Reynolds: He passed away right on these steps. He's interred in the church crypt. Dean: When did this happen? Fr. Reynolds: Two months ago. He was sh*t for his car keys. Sam: I'm sorry. Fr. Reynolds: Yeah, me too. He was a good friend. I didn't even have time to administer his last rites. But like I said, it's a tough neighborhood. Ever since he died I've been praying my heart out. Sam: For what? Fr. Reynolds: For deliverance, from the v*olence and the bloodshed around here. We could use a little divine intervention, I suppose. Dean: Well, Padre, thanks. We'll see you again. Fr. Reynolds goes back inside; Dean and Sam investigate the shrine. Dean: Well, it's all starting to make sense. Devoted priest dies a violent death? That's vengeful spirit material right there. (Sam shifts uncomfortably) And he knew all the other stiffs, because they went to church here, in fact I'm willing to bet that because he was their priest, he knew things about them that nobody else knew. Sam: Then again, Father Reynolds started praying for God's help about two months ago, right? Right about the time all this started happening? Dean: Aw, come on, man, what's your deal? Sam: What do you mean? Dean: Look, I'll admit I'm a bit of a skeptic, but since when are you all Mr. 700 Club? No, seriously. From the get-go you've been willing to buy this angel crap, man. I mean, what's next, are you going to start praying every day? Sam: I do. Dean: What? Sam: I do pray every day. I have for a long time. Dean: (startled) The things you learn about a guy. Huh. Come on, let's go check out Father Gregory's grave. INT. CHURCH CRYPT - EVENING The crypt is a maze of stone hallways, with numerous stone angel figurines. They wander through slowly, Dean a little ahead of Sam. As Dean goes into another room, Sam stops, looking back at one of the angels. He frowns as it, and then the entire room, begin to shake. A brilliant light appears behind him and he turns, confusion washing away to a look of awe. END ACT TWO INT. CHURCH - EVENING Dean hurries back into the room. Dean: Sam, come on, get the lead out. He sees Sam in a d*ad faint on the floor, and rushes over. Dean: Sammy? Sammy! Hey! Sam jerks awake, groaning. Dean: You okay? Sam: (staring at the stone angel, stunned) Yeah. Yeah. I'm okay. Dean: Come on. He hauls Sam to his feet and guides him into the sanctuary, a hand on his arm, and shuts the door behind them. Dean: You saw it, didn't you? Didn't you? Sam: Yeah. Yeah. Dean, I saw an angel. Dean: You... (Sam sits as Dean pulls out a flask, unscrews it and hands it to him.) All right. Here. Sam: I don't want a drink. Dean: (shrugs, takes a swig) So. What makes you think you saw a, uh, angel? Sam: It just, it appeared before me and I just, this feeling washed over me, you know? Like, like peace. Like grace. Dean: Okay, Ecstasy Boy, maybe we'll get you some glowsticks and a nice Dr. Seuss hat, huh? Sam: Dean, I'm serious. It spoke to me, it knew who I was. Dean: It's just a spirit, Sam. Okay? And it's not the first one to be able to read people's minds. (he sits down on another pew) Okay, let me guess. You were personally chosen to smite some sinner, you've just got to wait for some divine bat signal, is that it? Sam: Yeah, actually. Dean: Great. I don't suppose you asked what this alleged bad guy did? Sam: Actually I did, Dean. And the angel told me. He hasn't done anything. Yet. But he will. Dean: (stands and starts pacing) Oh, this is, this is . . . I don't believe this. Sam: Dean, the angel hasn't been wrong yet! Someone's going to do something awful, and I can stop it! Dean: You know, you're supposed to be bad too, maybe, maybe I should just stop you right now. Sam: You know what, Dean? I don't understand! Why can't you even consider the possibility — Dean: What, that this is an angel? Sam: Yes! Maybe we're hunting an angel here, and we should stop! Maybe this is God's will! Dean: Okay, all right. You know what? I get it. You've got faith. That's — hey, good for you. I'm sure it makes things easier. (he sits again) I'll tell you who else had faith like that — mom. She used to tell me when she tucked me in that angels were watching over us. In fact, that was the last thing she ever said to me. Sam: You never told me that. Dean: Well, what's to tell? She was wrong. There was nothing protecting her. There's no higher power, there's no God. I mean, there's just chaos, and v*olence, and random unpredictable evil that comes out of nowhere and rips you to shreds. You want me to believe in this stuff? I'm going to need to see some hard proof. You got any? (b*at) Well, I do. Proof that we're dealing with a spirit. INT. CRYPT - EVENING Father Gregory's tombstone is covered in creeping vines; Dean and Sam crouch before it. Sam: That looks like— Dean: It's wormwood. Plant associated with the d*ad; specifically the ones that are not at rest. I don't see it growing anywhere else, except over the m*rder priest's marker. It's him, Sam. Sam: Maybe. Dean: Maybe? Sam: Dean, I don't know what to think. Dean: Okay. You want some more proof? I'll give you more proof. Sam: How? Dean: We'll summon Gregory's spirit. Sam: What? Here? In the church? Dean: Yeah. Yeah, we just need a few odds and ends, and that séance ritual in Dad's journal. Sam: Oh, a séance, great. Hope Whoopi's available. Dean: (deadpan) That's funny, actually. Seriously. If Father Gregory's spirit is around, a séance will bring him right to us. If it's him, then we'll put him to rest. Sam: But if it's an angel, it won't show. Nothing will happen. Dean: Exactly. That's one of the perks of the job, Sam: we don't have to operate on faith. We can know for sure. Don't you want to know for sure? EXT. STREET - NIGHT Dean and Sam leave a small grocery store, Sam holding a paper sack and smiling. Sam: Dude. I'll admit we've gone pretty ghetto with spellwork before, but this takes the cake. I mean, a Spongebob placemat instead of an altar cloth? Dean: We'll just put it Spongebob side down. Sam laughs, then stops in shock, staring at something across the street: a young man holding a bunch of flowers; a bright white light glows behind him. Sam: Dean, that's it. Dean: What? Sam: That's the sign! Dean: Where? Sam: Right there, right behind that guy! That's him, Dean. We have to stop him. END ACT THREE EXT. STREET - NIGHT The young man crosses the street; Sam starts to go after him but Dean stops him. Dean: Wait a minute. Sam: What are you doing? Let me go. Dean: You're not going to go k*ll somebody because a ghost told you to, are you insane? Sam: Dean, I'm not insane, I'm not going to k*ll him. I'm going to stop him. Dean: Define "stop", huh? I mean, what are you going to do? Sam: Dean, please, he's going to hurt someone, you know it. Dean: All right, come on. The young man has gotten into a car and starts it up, pulling away. Dean gets in the driver side of his car and starts it; Sam tries to get in the other side but the door is locked. Sam: Dean. Unlock my door. Dean: You're not k*lling anyone, Sam. I got this guy, you go do the séance. Sam: Dean! Dean pulls away, following the young man at a short distance. The man stops at a corner and gets out with the bunch of flowers, handing them to a woman waiting on the corner. They get in the car and drive off again. INT. CHURCH CRYPT - NIGHT Kneeling before Gregory's grave, Sam has the spell materials spread out: a circle of small white candles, a large black candle, the placemat (Spongebob side down), and the Journal. He lights the candles, picks up the Journal, and reads. (transcriber's note: I have no confidence in the Latin here, any assistance is appreciated.) Sam: Amate spiritus obscure te quaerimus, te oramus nobiscum colloquere aput nos circita (loose translation: the inquisiton, 10/31/08) Beloved hidden spirit We seek you, we beg you Come speak with us Join our circle He sprinkles some herb on the black candle and it flares once, brightly. Fr. Reynolds: (entering) What are you doing? What is this? Sam: Uh, Father, please. I can explain. Um . . . actually, maybe i can't. Um. This is a, a séance. Fr. Reynolds: A séance? Young man, you are in the House of God. Sam: It's based on early Christian rites, if that helps any. Fr. Reynolds: Enough. You're coming with me. Sam: Father, please, you, just wait a second! As Fr. Reynolds pulls Sam to the exit, a familiar bright glow builds behind them. They turn, Fr. Reynolds in awe, Sam in disappointment. Fr. Reynolds: Oh my god! Is that, is that an angel? Sam: No, it's not. It's just Father Gregory. The bright glow dims and coalesces to reveal a young, handsome priest (Fr. Gregory). Fr. Reynolds: Thomas?! Fr. Gregory: I've come in answer to your prayers. EXT. STREET - NIGHT Dean continues to follow the supposedly evil young man. INT. CHURCH CRYPT - NIGHT Sam approaches the Gregory-spirit cautiously. Fr. Gregory: Sam. I thought I sent you on your path. You should hurry. Sam: Father, I'm sorry. But you're not an angel. Fr. Gregory: Of course I am. Sam: No. You're a man. You're a spirit. And you need to rest. Fr. Gregory: I was a man. But now I'm an angel. I was on the steps of the church. And I felt that b*llet pierce right through me. But there was no pain. And suddenly I could see . . .everything. Father Reynolds, I saw you, praying and crying here. I came to help you. Fr. Reynolds: Help me how? EXT. STREET - NIGHT The supposedly evil young man turns down a dark alley and Dean temporarily loses sight of him. He slams the steering wheel in frustration. Dean: Damn it! INT. CHURCH CRYPT - NIGHT Fr. Reynolds: Those m*rder — that was because of you? Fr. Gregory: I received the Word of God. He spoke to me, told me to smite the wicked. I'm carrying out his will. Fr. Reynolds: You're driving innocent people to k*ll. Fr. Gregory: Those innocent people are being offered redemption. Some people need redemption. Don't they, Sam? Fr. Reynolds: How can you call this redemption? Fr. Gregory: You can't understand it now. But the rules of man and the rules of God are two very different things. Sam: Those people. They're locked up. Fr. Gregory: No, they're happy. They've found peace, beaten their demons. And I've given them the keys to heaven. Fr. Reynolds: No. No, this is vengeance, it's wrong. Thomas, this goes against everything you believe. You're lost, misguided. Fr. Gregory: Father. No, I'm not misguided. Fr. Reynolds: You are not an angel, Thomas. Men cannot be angels. Fr. Gregory: But . . . but I don't understand. You prayed for me to come. Fr. Reynolds: I prayed for God's help. Not this. What you're doing is not God's will. "Thou shalt not k*ll". That's the word of God. EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT The supposedly evil young man stops the car; the young woman holding the flowers looks confused, smiles nervously. Young Woman: How come we stopped? The supposedly evil young man smiles back more nervously, his eye twitching. He leans over suddenly and kisses her. She fends him off with a laugh. Young Woman: Um, weren't we going to go to the movies? We should go, or we're going to be late. Suddenly the supposedly evil young man hits her, hard, across the face. She yelps in shock. EVIL Young Man I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it's just, I've never done this before. She tries to get out of the car, but he's locked the door and she scrabbles uselessly at the handle. EVIL Young Man I said I was sorry! Young Woman: Please! (he pulls out a Kn*fe) What? He lunges at her with the Kn*fe; she tries to fight him off. They struggle for a few seconds. EVIL Young Man No. Stop it! The window shatters behind his head; Dean reaches in, punches in, and slams his face into the steering wheel. Dean unlocks the doors and the woman gets out; he tumbles over the hood to reach her, grabbing her shoulders frantically. Dean: Are you okay? Are you okay?! Young Woman: (crying) Thank god! Behind them, the evil young man has come to and started the car; he drives off. Dean: Damn it! Are you sure you're okay? Do you have a cell phone? (she nods, still sobbing) Call 9-1-1! Dean runs off and gets in his car to chase after the evil young man again. INT. CHURCH CRYPT - NIGHT Fr. Gregory is staring, bewildered, at his own headstone. He turns to face Reynolds and Sam. Sam: Let us help you. Fr. Gregory: No. Fr. Reynolds: It's time to rest, Thomas, to be at peace. Please, let me give you Last Rites. Fr. Gregory nods in resignation; Fr. Reynolds lifts his hands in prayer. Fr. Reynolds: Oh Holy Host, I call upon thee as a servant of Christ to sanctify our actions this day, in fulfillment of the will of God. Reynolds gasps as Gregory flickers like a distorted image. Fr. Gregory: Father Reynolds? Fr. Reynolds: Rest. Gregory kneels; Reynolds holds a hand over Gregory's forehead Fr. Reynolds: I call upon the archangel Gabriel, Master of the Air, to make open the way. Let the f*re of the Holy Spirit now descend; that this being might be awakened to the world beyond. Fr. Gregory does the bright holy glow again, then vanishes. Reynolds lowers his hand in awe. EXT. STREET - NIGHT Chasing the evil young man at a more frantic rate now, Dean grips the steering wheel tightly. They cut across lanes, over grass, and generally cause mayhem; at a cross-street, a small pickup truck carrying long metal pipes screeches to a halt in front of the man's car. A pipe spins off the truck bed, bouncing once on the ground and plowing straight through his windshield. It impales him straight through the chest. Dean stops the car in shock and gets out. Dean: Holy . . . END ACT FOUR INT. Hotel ROOM - DAY Dean: How was your day? Sam: You were right. It wasn't an angel, it was Gregory. Dean pulls the flask from his inner pocket, takes a drink, then, considering, offers it to Sam. Sam takes it. Note: Over the following conversation, Bob Dylan's "Knocking on Heaven's Door" plays. Sam: I don't know, Dean, I just . . . (he sits on the bed) I wanted to believe, so badly. It's so damn hard to do this, what we do. All alone, you know? There's so much evil out there in the world, Dean, I feel like I could drown in it. And when I think about my destiny, when I think about how I could end up, Dean: (sitting on the bed beside him) Yeah, well, don't worry about that. All right? I'm watching out for you. Sam: Yeah, I know you are. But you're just one person, Dean. And I needed to think that there was something else watching too, you know? Some higher power. Some greater good. And that maybe . . . Dean: Maybe what? Sam: Maybe I could be saved. (nervous laugh) But, uh, you know, that just clouded my judgement, and you're right. I mean, we've gotta go with what we know, with what we can see, with what's right there in front of our own two eyes. Dean: Yeah, well, it's funny you say that. Sam: Why? Dean: Gregory's spirit gave you some pretty good information. That guy in the car was bad news. I barely got there in time. Sam: What happened? Dean: He's d*ad. Sam: Did . . . you? Dean: No. But I'll tell you one, thing. If . . .the way he died, if I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes I never would have believed it. I mean, I don't know what to call it. Sam: What? Dean, what did you see? Dean: Maybe . . . God's will. END EPISODE transcript by gelasius 04 February 2007

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x13 - Houses fo the Holy"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 8 Feb 2007 EXT. UNDERPASS - DAY Dean is on his cell phone, leaning against his car. He is fidgeting, clearly upset. Dean: Ellen, it's me again. Any chance you've heard from him? (b*at) I swear, it's like looking for my dad all over again. I'm losing my mind here. (b*at) No, I've called him a thousand times, there's nothing but voicemail. I don't know where he went, or why. Sam's just gone. (his cell phone beeps) Hang on. (the phone shows another incoming call - Sam's CELL. He answers it.) Sammy? Where the hell are you? Are you okay? (b*at) Hey, hey, hey! Calm down. Where are you? All right, don't move, I'm on my way. INT. MOTEL - DAY Sam hangs up the phone slowly, looking numb. His knuckles are bloody. Dean drives to reach Sam, passing a sign reading TWIN LAKES; he arrives at the hotel and parks, gets out. INT. MOTEL - DAY Dean walks frantically down a narrow hallway, checking door numbers until he reaches room 109. He knocks. Dean: Sam, it's me. Sam! He tries the door - it's open. Inside, Sam hasn't moved, still sitting numbly on one bed. Dean: Sam? Hey. Sam: Hey, Dean. Dean: (kneeling beside him) Are you bleeding? Sam: I tried to wash it off. Dean: (seeing Sam's shirt covered in blood; he gropes at it, searching for a wound.) Oh my god. Sam: I don't think it's my blood. Dean: Whose is it? Sam: I don't know. Dean: Sam, what the hell happened? Sam: (finally looking up) Dean. I don't remember anything. TITLE CARD: SUPERNATURAL END Teaser INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY Dean returns to the room, carrying a grocery bag. Sam has changed clothes and is looking a little less out of it. Sam: What'd you find out? Dean: You checked in two days ago under the name Richard Sambora. Of course, I think the scariest part about this whole thing is the fact that you're a Bon Jovi fan, Sam: Dean. Dean: Your room's been quiet, nobody's noticed anything unusual. Sam: You mean no one saw me walking around covered in blood? Dean: Yeah. That's what I mean. Sam: Then how the hell did I get here, Dean? What happened to me? Dean: I don't know. But you're, you're okay, and that's what matters. Everything else we can deal with. Sam: Oh really? 'Cause what if I hurt someone? Or worse? Dean: Sam . . . Sam: What if this is what Dad warned you about? Dean: Hey, whoa, whoa, come on man, let's not jump the g*n here. We don't know what happened. We've just got to treat this like, like any other job. What's the last thing you remember? Sam: (sitting) Just me and you, just, in that motel room in West Texas, going out to grab some burgers, and... Dean: West Texas? That was, that was over a week ago. Sam: That's it. (Dean looks stunned) Next thing I knew I was sitting here. Bloody. Felt like I'd been asleep for a month. Dean: Okay. Retrace your steps. The manager said you left yesterday afternoon and he never saw you come back, so, (pulling back the curtain, he finds a bloody fingerprint on the window) Hey. EXT. MOTEL - DAY Sam and Dean walk outside the motel. It's daylight, but raining. Dean: Recognize anything? Sam: Not really. (they go towards a parking garage out back) Wait. Dean: What? Sam: I think I was here. Dean: You remember? Sam: Not really, it just feels familiar, you know? (Dean shrugs, goes to the nearest garage. Sam looks over to the second, points.) Try that one. Yeah. Dean: (tugging on the padlock) Okay. Sam: Wait. Sam digs in his pocket, frowning. He pulls out a key, gives Dean a significant look. Dean opens the padlock with the key, raising his eyebrows at Sam. He pulls the garage door open to reveal a filthy, b*at-up VW Beetle. Dean: Oh, please tell me you didn't steal this. Sam fidgets. They go into the garage and open both doors of the car, Sam on the driver's side. He touches the wheel, shows Dean his stained finger. Sam: More blood. Dean: (pointing) Sam. Back seat. Sam reaches down, picks up a blood-stained Kn*fe that sticks to the floor of the backseat. He stares at it. Sam: You think I used this on someone? Dean: (pause) I'm not thinking anything. Sam looks around, rubs the Kn*fe handle off on the inside of his jacket. Dean picks up a pack of cigarettes. Dean: Okay now, this is disturbing. Come on, man, this couldn't have been you. Had to have been someone else, someone who, (sniffs the pack) smokes menthols. Sam: Here. Gas receipt. Few towns over. EXT. GAS STATION - DAY Sam and Dean pull up in front of a small gas station. Dean: All right. Receipt's for ten gallons at pump number two. You getting any, uh, any goosebumps yet? God, this looks familiar, deja vu vibes? (Sam shakes his head quietly) Maybe someone inside will remember you. Come on. They go into the convenience store; the clerk looks up in shock, then anger. Clerk: You. Outta here now, I'm calling the cops. Dean: You talking to him? Clerk: Yeah, I'm talking to him. Jerk comes in yesterday, stinking drunk, grabs a forty from the fridge, starts chugging it. Dean: This guy? You're drinking malt liquor? Clerk: Not after he whipped the friggin' bottle at my head. Dean: This guy? Clerk: What, am I speaking Urdu? Sam: Look, I'm really sorry if I did anything, Clerk: Tell your story walkin', pal. Po-po will be here in five. Dean: Wait, wait, put the phone down. Sam, go wait in the car. Sam: But Dean, Dean: Go wait in the car! (Sam sighs, leaves) Okay, look, man. I just want to talk to you, that's it. Okay? (The clerk hangs up) Now, when he took off yesterday, where did he go? Clerk: Why don't you ask him? Dean: 'Cause I'm asking you. Now please, you'd be doing me a huge favor. Clerk: Oh, do you a favor? Well, that is what I live for. You know, your buddy didn't pay for the booze. Okay? Or the smokes, which he also illegally lit up. Dean: You saw him smoking? Clerk: Yeah. Guy's a chimney. Dean clears his throat and pulls his wallet out, places some bills on the desk. Dean: This, uh, ought to cover it. Clerk: Hmm. It's, uh, it's coming back to me now. He took two packs. Dean: (pulls out more money) Of course he did. Clerk: He went north. Route 71, straight out of town. Dean nods, grabs two candy bars and leaves with a smirk. EXT. ROAD - NIGHT Dean is driving down a dark road, and Sam is staring out the window. Dean: What's going on with you, Sam? Hm? 'Cause smoking, throwing bottles at people, I mean, that sounds more like me than you. Sam: Dean, wait, right here. Turn down that road. Dean: What? Sam: I don't know how I know, I just do. Dean turns down a back road and onto a private property. It is a large house with plenty of emergency lighting and security cameras outside. Sam: Whoever lives here, I'd say they don't like surprises. Dean: Should we knock? Sam: Yeah, I guess. Dean knocks on the front door while Sam pokes around the corner. Sam: Hey Dean. Sam waves his flashlight at a window; it is broken, the ledge covered in shattered glass. Dean: I'm surprised the cops didn't show. Place like this you'd think it'd have an alarm. Sam: (finding a disabled alarm on the wall) Yeah, you would. INT. HOUSE - NIGHT They go into the house; the floor is covered in broken glass and scattered items. In a back room, they come across a body on the floor. Dean: Get the lights. Sam turns the lights on as Dean kneels behind the body. He places a hand on it and turns it over; it is a middle-aged man with a deeply cut throat; he is d*ad, his eyes staring. Dean puts a hand over his own mouth; Sam looks horrified. Sam: Dean, I did this. Dean: We don't know that. Sam: What else do you need? I mean, how else do you explain the car, the Kn*fe, the blood, Dean: I don't know, man, why don't you tell me? (b*at) Look, even if you did do this I'm sure you had a good reason; you know, self-defense, uh, he was, he was a bad son of a bitch, something. (he pats down the body) He doesn't have any ID. Sam: I need your lockpick. Dean: What? Sam: I need your lockpick. Sam takes the lockpick and opens a double-door closet in the room. Inside the room, one wall is covered in firearms, the others in charts and clippings. Dean: either this guy's a b*mb, Sam: Or a hunter. Dean, I think I k*lled a hunter. Dean: (seeing a security camera near the ceiling) Let's find out. LATER, Sam is sitting in front of the desktop computer, Dean standing behind. He cues up the security tape. Dean: Here we go. On the tape, Sam is fighting the Same man who lies d*ad on the floor behind them. The fight moves off camera and Sam drags the man back into the frame; he kneels, the man pulled up against his legs, and slits his throat. Sam stares in shock as Dean pulls back from the screen and stands straight. Close on Sam, eyes downcast. END ACT ONE Sam is sitting at the computer desk, staring at a page in his hand; Dean bustles around behind him, cleaning up. Dean: How do you erase this? Huh? Sam, come on, I need your help. Sam: I k*lled him, Dean. I just broke in and k*lled him. Dean: Listen to me. Whoever this guy is, he's a hunter. Which means that other hunters are going to come looking for his k*ller, which means we've got to cover our tracks, okay? Sam: His name was Steve Wandell. This is a letter from his daughter. Dean looks from Sam to the letter, then makes a decision. He grabs the CPU, lifts it above his head, and smashes it to the floor, stomping it with his boots for good measure. Dean: Wipe your prints, then we go. INT. Motel Room - EVENING Sam precedes Dean into the motel room. Dean: All right, we get a couple hours sleep and then we put this place in our rearview mirror. Look, I know this is bad, okay? You've gotta snap out of it. Sam, say something! Sam: Just get some sleep and leave in the morning? m*rder, Dean. That's what I did. Dean: Maybe. (Sam scoffs) Okay? Hey, we don't know... shapeshifter! Sam: Oh, come on. You know it wasn't, you saw the tape. There was no eye flare, no distortion, Dean: Yeah, but it wasn't you! All right? I mean, yeah, it might have been you, but it wasn't you. Sam: Well, I think it was. (He sits down on the bed) I think maybe more than you know. Dean: What the hell does that mean? Sam: For the last few weeks I've been having... I've been having these feelings. Dean: What feelings? Sam: Rage. Hate. And I can't stop it. It just gets worse. Day by day it gets worse. Dean: You never told me this. Sam: I didn't want to scare you. Dean: Well, bang-up job on that. Sam: Dean, the yellow-eyed demon, you know he has plans for me. And we both know that he's turned other children into K*llers before, too. Dean: No one can control you but you. Sam: It sure doesn't seem like that, Dean, it feels like no matter what I do, slowly but surely I'm, I'm just becoming... Dean: What? Sam: Who I'm meant to be. I mean, you said it once yourself, Dean. I gotta face up to who I am. Dean: I didn't mean this! Sam: But it's still true. You know that. Dad knew that too, that's why he told you, if it ever came to this . . . Dean: Shut up, Sam. Sam: Dean, you promised him. You promised me. Dean: No. Listen to me. We're going to figure this out. Okay? I mean, there's got to be a way, right? Sam: Yeah, there is. (he takes a g*n from his duffel, shoves it at Dean) I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't want to hurt you. Dean: You won't. Whatever this is, you can fight it. Sam: (tearing up) No. I can't. Not forever. Here, you gotta do it. They stare at each other for a long moment; then Sam grabs Dean's right hand and places the g*n in it. Dean doesn't move, just stares as Sam in shock. Dean: You know, I've tried to hard to keep you safe. Sam: (nodding) I know. Dean: I can't. I'd rather die. Dean drops the g*n on the bed and shoulders past Sam. Sam: No. You'll live. (picks up the g*n as Dean turns to face him) You'll live to regret this. He p*stol-whips Dean, who falls to the floor unconscious. BLACKOUT An insistent knocking begins during the blackout. Dean awakens to realize that he is on the floor of the motel room; the motel manager, who has been knocking, opens the door. Manager: Hey. It's past your checkout. Dean: (getting up, very groggy) What? Manager: It's past checkout, and I've got a couple here needs your room. Dean: (seeing an embarrassed businessman with a hooker) Yeah, I'll bet they do. What time is it? Manager: Twelve-thirty. Dean: That guy who was with me, have you seen him? Manager: Yeah, he left before dawn in your car, and you should have gone with him, because now I'm going to have to charge you extra. Dean: (muttering) Oh, son of a... Manager: It's just policy, sir. Dean: I need to use your computer. Manager: Now, why would I let you use my computer? INT. MOTEL LOBBY - DAY The Manager is counting a stack of cash, as Dean talks on the phone behind him, in front of a desktop computer. Dean: Hi, uh, so sorry to bother you, but uh, my son snuck out of the house last night and, uh, went to a Justin Timberlake concert. (pause) What? Yeah. No, Justin is quite the triple thr*at. Uh, anyway, he's not back yet, and, and I'm just, I'm starting to worry. (pause) Right. Yeah, boys will be boys. But see, Sammy is a diabetic, and uh, if he doesn't get his insulin, I just, I have to find him. Please, I'm begging you. Yeah, no, no, no, I"m on the web site right now, I just need to activate the GDS in his cell phone. (entering a password) Yeah, right there. Duluth, Minnesota. Yeah, that is a long way to go for a concert. I appreciate your help. INT. Jo's BAR - NIGHT Jo, her back to us, is scrubbing the bar and saying goodnight to some customers. Jo: Good night, thank you. Sam enters and clears his throat. Jo: (her back to him) Sorry, we're closing up. Sam: How about just one for the road? Jo: (turning to face him) Well, you're about the last person I'd expect to see. Sam: Well, I guess I'm full of surprises. So can I get a beer? Jo: Sure. One beer. Jo brings a bottle of beer over and sets it down on the bar firmly, then turns away, bustling over cleaning up the bar. Jo: So how'd you find me? Sam: Well, uh, it's kind of what we do, you know? Jo: Speaking of 'we', where's Dean? Sam: Couldn't make it. Jo: So what are you doing here, Sam? I mean, we didn't exactly part on the best of terms. Sam: Right. Um, well, that's why I'm here. I kind of, I wanted to see if we could square things, you know? As Sam takes off his jacket, Jo notices a circular burn mark with a short line through it on Sam's forearm. Jo: That looks like it hurts. Sam: No. No, just, just had a run-in with a hot stove. Jo: So you were saying something about squaring things? Sam: Yeah. Um. Look, I know how you feel about my dad. And I can't say I blame you. He was obsessed. consumed with hunting; and he didn't care who got caught in the cross-f*re. And I guess that included your dad. But that was my father, that's not me. Jo: What about Dean? Sam: Well, Dean's more like my father than I am, but . . . (off Jo's look) Boy. You're really carrying a torch for him, aren't you? (Jo scoffs, uncomfortably) I'll take that as a yes. It's too bad. 'Cause see, Dean, he likes you, sure, but not in the way you'd want. I mean, maybe as kind of a . . . a little sister, you know? But romance — that's just out of the question, he (LAUGHS) he kind of thinks you're a schoolgirl, you know? (pause) I'm not trying to hurt you, Jo, I, I'm telling you because I care. Jo: Well, that's real kind of you, Sam. Sam: I mean it. (he places a hand over hers on the bar, possessively) I care about you a lot. Jo: Sam, what's going on? Sam: I can be more to you, Jo. Jo: Maybe you should leave. Sam: Okay. He shoves her hand away and stands to leave; she turns to face the bar, leaning on it heavily. Suddenly Sam reappears, grabbing her from behind and manhandling her. Jo: Sam, get off me! Sam, get off me! Sam! She closes her right hand on a beer bottle, but before she can h*t him with it he grabs her wrist and slams it onto the bar, shattering the bottle. Sam: Jo, Jo, Jo. He shoves her around until she faces the bar and pins her there, left hand over her wrist, right hand stroking her hair. Jo: Sam, no, no! Please! Please! He slams her forehead into the bar; she is knocked out, and he lifts her carefully to lie on the bar, stroking her hair in a disturbingly gentle manner. Sam: It didn't have to be this way. Or maybe it did. END ACT TWO INT. BAR - NIGHT A clunky record player switches on and starts playing The Doors' "Crystal Ship". Nearby, Sam is tying Jo in a sitting position to a wide wooden post. She slowly wakes up. Jo: What the hell is going on? What are you doing? Sam: So what exactly did your mom tell you about how your dad died? Jo: You're not Sam. Sam: Don't be so sure about that. Answer the question. Jo says nothing; Sam sighs heavily and goes around to the other side; he sits in front of her, leaning in, his expression shifting to one of open concern. He pulls out a large Kn*fe and strokes her face with it. Sam: Come on. It's me. You can tell me anything, you know that. Answer. The question. Jo: Fine. Sam: Fine. Jo: Our dads were in California: Devil's Gate Reservoir. They were setting a trap for some kind of Hell spawn. John was hiding, waiting, and my dad was bait. Sam: (laughs) That's just like John. Oh, I'll bet he dangled Bill like meat on a hook. Then what? He gets up and goes around to stand behind her. Jo: The thing showed up. John got too eager, jumped out too soon, got my dad exposed out in the open. The thing turned around and k*lled him. Sam: (leaning in) Hmm. Not quite. Jo: What? Sam: What? Oh. See, it hurt him. It didn't k*ll him. You really don't know the truth, do you? I'll bet your mom doesn't either. Sam sits facing her again, leans in close. Jo: Know what? Sam: You see, Bill was all clawed up. Holding his insides in his hands. He was gurgling and praying to see you and Ellen one more time. So my dad . . . k*lled him. Put him out of his misery like a sick dog. Jo: You're lying. Sam: I'm not, it's true. (quiet singsong) My daddy sh*t your daddy in the head . . . Jo: How could you know that? Sam: I hear things. He stands and s*ab the Kn*fe into the pillar, just above head level. Jo: Why are you doing this to me? Sam: Like Daddy like daughter. You're bait. Open up. (he shoves a knotted rag in her mouth and ties it around her neck) That's a girl. The door bursts open and Dean enters, g*n out. Dean: Sam! Sam grabs the Kn*fe from the pillar, his calm expression shifting to one of desperate panic, and places the Kn*fe at Jo's throat. Sam: I begged you to stop me, Dean. Dean: Put the Kn*fe down, damnit. Sam: I told you I can't fight it! My head feels like it's on f*re, all right?! Dean. k*ll me, or I'm going to k*ll her. Please. You've be doing me a favor! sh**t me. (turning to face Dean, arms spread) sh**t me! Dean: No, Sammy, come on. He turns away, lowering the g*n. Sam: What the hell's wrong with you, Dean? Are you that scared of being alone that you'd rather let Jo die? Dean turns suddenly, flinging water from a flask at Sam; the water hisses and steams as it strikes him. Dean: That's holy water, you demonic son of a bitch! Sam raises his head; his eyes are the solid black of a demon's. Dean flings more holy water at him; Sam growls, turns and runs, bursting through a window and fleeing. Dean takes the Kn*fe and cuts Jo free; she pulls the gag out of her mouth as Dean runs towards the shattered window. Jo: He was possessed?! (Dean turns and stares at her for a moment, then leaps through the window.) Dean! INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT Dean and Possessed-Sam stalk each other through a dim, crowded warehouse, each with a g*n. During the following they never see each other directly, instead hiding stealthily behind piles and boxes and shouting at each other. Dean: So who are you? Sam: I got lots of names. Dean: You've been in Sam since he disappeared, haven't you? Sam: You should have seen your face when you thought he m*rder that guy. Pathetic. Dean: Why didn't you k*ll me? You had a dozen chances. Sam: No, that would have been too easy. Where's the fun in that? See, this was a test. Wanted to see if I could push you far enough to waste Sam. Should have known you wouldn't have the sac. Anyway. Fun's over now. Dean: Well, I hope you got your kicks. Because you're gonna pay hell for this, I'm gonna make sure of that. Sam: How? You can't hurt me. Not without hurting your little brother. See, I think you're gonna die, Dean. You and every other hunter I can find. One look as Sam's dewey, sensitive eyes? They'll let me right in their door. Possessed-Sam leads Dean outside, to an open-air dock. Once he's out in the open, looking around, Sam steps out, takes aim, and sh**t Dean, hitting him in the shoulder. Dean collapses into the water with a splash; Sam stalks to the edge and peers over where Dean fell; he smiles. END ACT THREE EXT. DOCKS - NIGHT Jo is walking quickly through the docks, a flashllight in one hand and her cell phone in the other; she's calling Dean, and his voicemail picks up: Dean's Voice This is Dean. Leave a message. Jo hangs up the phone with a sigha nd continues searching. Moments later she calls again, and this time hears Dean's ringtone coming from below her, by the water. She runs down to where he is lying unconscious at the bottom of a ramp. Jo: Dean! Dean! (he wakes with a groan) Take it easy. Dean: (shuddering and groaning in pain) Where's Sam? Jo: I don't know, I've been looking for you. Come on, get up. She helps him to stand, and he leans on her heavily, clutching his shoulder, as they walk back to the bar. INT. BAR - NIGHT Dean is seated at a table, gripping the edge with his right hand as Jo digs the b*llet out of his left shoulder. He's groaning loudly. Jo: Don't be a baby! Dean: God! Jo: Almost. All right, got it. Got it. She drops the bloodstained b*llet in a glass of clear alcohol. Dean takes a few healthy swigs from a bottle of whiskey. Dean: God, you're a butcher. Jo: (sarcastically) You're welcome. Dean: All right, are we done? Jo: Would you give me two minutes to patch you up? You can't help Sam if you're bleeding to death. (she continues layering gauze and tape over the wound) So, how did you know? That he was possessed? Dean: Uh, I didn't, I just knew that it couldn't have been him. Jo: Hey, Dean. Dean: Yeah? Jo: I know demons lie, but do they ever tell the truth too? Dean: Uh, um, yeah, sometimes, I guess. Especially if they know it'll mess with your head. Why do you ask? Jo: Nothing. Doesn't matter. So do you have any idea where he's headed to next? Dean: Well, so far he's been going after the nearest hunter, so . . . closest one I know lives in South Dakota. Jo: Okay good, I'm done. Let's go. Dean: Yeah. You're not coming. Jo: The hell I'm not. I'm a part of this now. Dean: I can't say it more plain than this. You try to follow me and I'll tie you right back to that post and leave you here. This is my fight. I'm not getting your blood on my hands. That's just how it's gonna be. Jo: Wait. (he turns back, and she hands out a prescription pill bottle.) Here. Take these, they'll help with the pain. Dean: Thanks. I'll call you later, okay? Jo: (to herself, after Dean is gone) No you won't. EXT. ROAD - NIGHT It's raining as Dean drives down a dark stretch of road; he dials a number on his cell. ELSEWHERE, a phone rings several times, until Sam's hands come into frame and cut the phone line running outside the house. Dean looks at his phone and sighs. Dean: Damnit. EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT Sam walks slowly up the steps to the house and knocks on the door. It's opened to reveal: Bobby: (grinning) Sam! Sam: Hey, Bobby. Bobby: It's been a while. (Sam grins sheepishly) Well, come on in. Sam enters slowly, glancing at the ceiling, and Bobby shuts the door behind him. They walk together into Bobby's study, which is dimly lit and covered wall to wall with stacks of books and papers. Bobby: So what brings you? Sam: Working a job nearby, and thought I'd stop in and say hey. Bobby Well, where's Dean? Sam: (laughs) Holed up somewhere with a girl and a twelve pack. Bobby goes into the back room; Sam, left alone, eyes the ceiling again. Bobby: (off screen) Oh yeah? She pretty? Sam: (his eyes cloud over black for a moment) You ask me, he's in way over his head. Bobby returns with a beer in each hand; he hands one to Sam. Bobby: Well, it's good to see you. (raising his bottle) To John. Sam: To Dad. They toast and swig the beer, Sam turning to look up at the ceiling again; as he swallows the beer he chokes suddenly, falling to his hands and knees and hiss-coughing painfully. Bobby sips his beer, unconcerned. Sam: What'd you do?! Bobby: A little holy water in the beer. Sam never would have noticed. But then, you're not Sam are you. Don't try to con a con man. He slams his fist into Sam's face, knocking him out. LATER, Sam-demon is tied to a chair, before a f*re and under the very Same protective circle used in "Devil's Trap" on Meg-demon. Dean smacks him in the face to wake him. Dean: Hey. Sam looks up, sees the painted Devil's Trap. Sam: Dean. back from the d*ad. Getting to be a regular thing for you, isn't it? Like a cockroach. Dean: How about I smack that smartass right out of your mouth? Sam: Oh, careful, now. Wouldn't want to bruise this fine packaging. Dean: Oh don't worry, this isn't gonna hurt Sam much. (turns to pick up a bucket) You, on the other hand, Dean tosses a bucketful of holy water on Sam-demon, who sizzles and screams. Dean: Feel like talking now? Sam: Sam's still my meat puppet. I'll make him bite off his tongue. Dean: No, you won't be in him long enough. Bobby. Bobby: (reading in Latin) ExorciSamus te, omnes in mundus spiritus omnes satanica potestas, omnes incursio ... (continues) Dean: (talking over Bobby) See, whatever bitch-boy master plan you demons are cooking up? You're not getting Sam. You understand me? Because I'm gonna k*ll every one of you first. Sam-demon struggles painfully, then throws back his head and cackles. Bobby cuts off in surprise. Sam: You really think that's what this is about? The master plan? I don't give a rat's ass about the master plan. Bobby: Humiliares sub potente magnu dei... Sam: Oops. Doesn't seem to be working. See, I learned a few new tricks. (he lowers his head and begins growling Latin) Spiritus in mundus un glorum suarum umitite palatum iram domine ... (continues) The f*re behind him flares and the room shakes as he continues. Dean: This isn't going like I pictured! What's going on, Bobby? Bobby: (seeing the burn mark on Sam's forearm) It's a binding link! It's like a lock! He's locked himself inside Sam's body! Dean: What the hell do we do? Bobby: I don't know! Sam throws back his head and screams; the shaking walls and ceilings begin to crack, breaking the protective circle. Sam-demon's eyes are black as he lowers his head. Sam: There. That's better. He jerks his head left; Bobby goes flying. He jerks his head right; Dean goes flying, landing heavily against the far wall. The holy water flask falls from Dean's hand. Sam rips free of the restraints and stalks over to Dean. Sam: You know when people want to describe the worse possible thing? They say it's like hell. Sam kneels in front of Dean, fisting his left hand in Dean's shirt and clocking him hard with a right jab. Dean grabs onto Sam's shirt with his right hand. Sam: You know there's a reason for that. Hell is like, um, (he hits Dean again) Well, it's like hell. Even for demons. (hits him again; Dean is groggy and bleeding heavily from his nose) It's a prison, made of bone and flesh and blood and fear; (hits him again; then grabs Dean's head, holding it steady) And you sent me back there. Dean: (sneering) Meg. Sam: No. Not anymore. Now I'm Sam. (hits him one last time; then digs his right thumb into Dean's b*llet wound) By the way. I saw your Dad there - he says "howdy". (he digs in further; Dean tries to pull Sam's hand away, groaning in pain) All that I had to hold onto was that I would climb out one day, and that I was going to t*rture you, nice and slow. Like pulling the wings off an insect. (he shoves Dean's grasping hand away) But whatever I do to you, it's nothing compared to what you'll do to yourself, is it? I can see it in your eyes, Dean. You're worthless. You couldn't save your Dad, and deep down you know that you can't save your brother. They'd have been better off without you. Sam rears back to h*t Dean again; suddenly Bobby is there, grabbing Sam's arm. He presses a hot poker into the mark on Sam's arm; he screams in pain, then again as black demon smoke billows out of him and up the chimney. Sam falls back, scrabbling and looking around in confusion, then grabs his arm in sudden pain. Dean pulls himself up painfully. Dean: Sammy? Sam: Did I miss anything? Dean rears back and right-hooks Sam in the cheek, then rolls his eyes and collapses. Sam grabs his cheek in confusion. END ACT FOUR INT. Bobby's HOUSE - NIGHT Sam is sitting behind Bobby's table with an icepack on his arm, Dean is on the other side of the table groggily holding an icebag to his face. Sam: (cautiously) By the way, you really look like crap, Dean. Dean: Yeah, right back atcha. Bobby walks in slowly, looking concerned. Sam: What is it, Bobby? Bobby: You boys ever hear of a hunter named Steve Wandell? Dean: Why do you ask? Bobby: Just heard from a friend. Wandell's d*ad. m*rder in his own house. You wouldn't know anything about that. Dean: No sir, never heard of the guy. Sam: Dean. Bobby: Good. Keep it that way. Wandell's buddies are looking for someone or something to string up, and they're not going to slow down to listen to reason. You understand what I'm saying? Dean: We'd better h*t the road. If, uh, you can remember where we parked the car. Bobby: Here. Take these. He hands each of them a small metal charm. Sam: What are they? Bobby: Charms. They'll fend off possession. That demon's still out there; this'll stop it from getting back up in you. Dean: That sounds vaguely dirty, but uh, thanks. Bobby: You're welcome. You boys be careful now. Sam: You too. At the door, Dean tosses the icebag back to Bobby. EXT. ROAD - NIGHT Dean is driving down a dark stretch of highway; over the following scene, REO Speedwagon's "Back on the Road Again" plays. Sam is frowning quietly, and Dean glances over in concern. Dean: You okay? Sam? Is that you in there? Sam: I was awake for some of it, Dean. I watched myself k*ll Wandell with my own two hands; I saw the light go out in his eyes. Dean: That must have been awful. Sam: That's not my point. I almost carved up Jo too. But no matter what I did, you wouldn't sh**t. Dean: It was the right move, Sam, it wasn't you. Sam: Yeah, this time. What about next time? Dean: Sam, when Dad told me that I might have to k*ll you, it was only if I couldn't save you. Now, if it's the last thing I do I'm going to save you. After a pause, Dean laughs softly. Sam: What? Dean: Nothing. Sam: Dean, what? Dean: Dude, you, you like, full-on had a girl inside you for like a whole week. (laughs) That's pretty naughty. Sam's frown cracks, and he laughs with Dean. END EPISODE transcript by gelasius March 2007

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x14 - Born Under a Bad Sign"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 15 Feb 2007 Note: The 'THEN' segment to this episode contains clips highlighting the brothers' prank wars and general namecalling of one another. "Jerk" and "Bitch" feature prominently. EXT. CRAWFORD HALL - NIGHT A middle-aged man in a suit and overcoat walks towards an impressive university building. Outside, a young attractive woman in a white dress is posed seductively, fixing her shoe. PROFESSOR Excuse me. Are you lost? Girl: No. I've been waiting for you, professor. PROFESSOR Oh, are you in one of my classes? Girl: Don't you recognize me? PROFESSOR We-ell, they're big classes. Anyway, my office hours are Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Girl: Really? I was hoping I could see you now. PROFESSOR Um, well, since you asked so nicely. Come on. INT. OFFICE - NIGHT Girl: Such a handsome photo. PROFESSOR Oh, that old thing. So, what can I do for you? How's the (?) paper coming? Girl: Um, professor, I, uh, I have a confession to make. PROFESSOR Oh? What's that? Girl: I'm not really one of your students. PROFESSOR Really? Then why are you here? Girl: (looks at him suggestively, then gets nervous) Maybe I should just go. PROFESSOR Wait. I get it. I understand how you're feeling, and it's only natural. You are young and wide-eyed, and I'm somewhat of a celebrity around here. Don't get me wrong, you're a very beautiful girl, but it would be wrong of me to take advantage of you. I just, um, I just respect you too much. He kisses her; her face turns hideously grey and rotted; he pulls back in horror. PROFESSOR Oh my god. Girl: What? Don't you like me anymore? Don't you want me? EXT. CRAWFORD HALL - NIGHT A JANITOR locks the front door and walks away. A body falls behind him with a heavy crunch. He turns back to see the Professor d*ad on the steps. TITLE CARD: SUPERNATURAL END Teaser EXT. Hotel - DAY Subtitle: One Week Later INT. Hotel ROOM - DAY Music note: In this scene, the radio is playing "Walk Away" by Joe Walsh Sam is sitting on the couch looking through books; he rubs his face tiredly. Dean is sitting up on the bed behind him, listening to the radio and eating something messy (chili cheese fries?) from a disposable plate. Sam: (annoyed) Dude. You mind not eating those on my bed? Dean: No, I don't mind. (he eats another) How's research going? Sam: You know how it's going? Slow. You know how it would go a heck of a lot faster? If I had my computer. Dean: (nods sarcastically) Hmm. Sam: Can you turn that down please? Dean: Yeah, absolutely. (he turns the music up louder) Sam: You know what? Maybe, uh, maybe you should just go somewhere for a while. Dean: (shuts off the radio and looks up, snappish) Hey, I'd love to. That's a great idea. Unfortunately, my car's all screwed to hell. Sam: Dean, I told you, I have nothing to do with- He's cut off by a loud knock on the door. Sam stands and goes to the door; he looks through the peephole and then back at Dean, then opens the door. Outside is Bobby. Sam: Hey, Bobby. Bobby: (entering, hands in his pockets) Boys. Dean: (standing and approaching) Hey, Bobby. Bobby: It's good to see you again so soon. Sam: Yeah, thanks for coming. Come on in. Dean: (shaking Bobby's hand firmly) Thank god you're here. Bobby: So um, what didn't you want to talk to me on the phone about? Sam: It's this job we're working. We weren't sure you'd believe us. Bobby: Well, I can believe a lot. Sam: Yeah, no, no, it's just, we've never seen anything like it, Dean: Not even close — Sam: And we thought we could use some fresh eyes. Bobby: Well, why don't you begin at the beginning? Sam: Yeah, um, all right. Sam gestures to the bed; Bobby picks up the empty takeout tray and peers at it, sets it aside, and sits down. Sam: So, it all started when we caught wind of an obit. See, a professor took a nosedive from a fourth story window, only there's a campus legend that the building's haunted. So we pretexted as reporters from the local paper. FLASHBACK 1A (Sam POV) - INT. BAR - NIGHT Sam is sitting at a table with a cocky jock boy (CURTIS) and a dippy attractive girl (JEN); he sets a voice recorder down on the table. CURTIS Yeah, we both had the professor for Ethics and Morality. Sam: Yeah? So why do you think he did it? JEN Who knows? I mean, he was tenured, wife and kids. His book is like a really big deal. Then again... (she leans in conspiratorially) Who's to say it was su1c1de? CURTIS (scoffing) Jen, come on. Sam: (feigning surprise) Well, what else could it be? JEN Well, you know about Crawford Hall? Sam: No, I don't, actually. CURTIS It's a bunch of crap, it's a total urban legend. JEN Yeah well, Heather's mom went to school here, and she knew the girl? Sam: Wait, what girl? JEN Thirty years ago, this girl was having an affair with some professor. He broke it off, she jumped out the window and k*lled herself. Sam: You know her name? JEN No. But they say she jumped from room six-six-nine. Get it? You turn the nine upside down? (Sam nods; the Boy laughs.) So now she haunts the building. And anyone who sees her? They don't live to tell the tale. CURTIS Well if no one lives to tell the tale then how does the tale get told? JEN Curtis! Shut up! Sam: You know what? Uh, thanks a lot guys. Excuse me. ELSEWHERE in the bar, close in on three sh*t glasses filled with dark bLuish-purple liquid. Dean's hand slides into frame and takes one; he slams all three in succession. Sam approaches. Sam: Dean. Dean, what are you drinking? Dean: (burps) I don't know, man, I think they're called purple nurples? Sam: Okay, well listen. I think maybe we should go check out the professor's office. Dean: Oh, no, no, no, I can't right now, I've got some... feisty little wildcat on the hook, I'm about to - zzzzp - reel her in. I'll introduce you. PAN up fishnet stockings and a tight miniskirt to reveal a sloppy drunk, heavily made up blond girl. Sam: Dean - Dean: Starla! Starla, hey. This is my shuttle co-pilot Major Tom. Major Tom, Starla. STARLA (draping an arm around Dean) Enchante. Sam: Hi. STARLA gags, covering her mouth, then looks up grinning. STARLA Sorry. Just trying to keep my liquor down! Dean: Yeah! Good job. (to Sam) Hey. Good news. She's got a sister. He leans back into STARLA's arm again, both of them grinning suggestively. END FLASHBACK 1A The scene freeze-frames as Dean's voice (present-day) cuts in. INT. Hotel ROOM - DAY Dean: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a minute. Sam: What? Dean: Come on, dude, that's not how it happened. Sam: No? So you never drank a purple nurple? Dean: Yeah, maybe that, but I don't say things like "feisty little wildcat". And her name wasn't Starla. Sam: Then what was it? Dean: I don't know. (to Bobby, taking up the story) But she was a classy chick. She was a grad student, anthropology and folklore. We were talking about local ghost stories. FLASHBACK 1B (Dean POV) - INT. BAR - NIGHT The feel of the scene is very different - we pan up the girl's body again, but this time she's in black heels and a sleek black cocktail dress. She and Dean each hold a purple nurple and toast with them. Girl: Here's to... Dean: Here's to us. Girl: My god. You... are attractive. Dean: Thanks. But no time for that now. You need to tell me about this urban legend. Please. Lives are at stake. Girl: Sorry, I just . . . can't even concentrate. It's like staring . . . into the sun. She reaches up and pulls his head towards her for a slow kiss. Sam approaches behind them with an extreme Bitchface and his jacket slung over his shoulder. Sam: (exaggerated prissy tone) Dean! What do you think you're doing? Dean: (smooth and casual) Sam, please. If you wouldn't mind, give me five minutes here. Sam: Dean, this is a very serious investigation. We don't have any time for any of your blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah Blah! Dean leans in to kiss the Girl again as Sam continues blabidiblahing behind him. Sam: Blah! END FLASHBACK 1B The scene freeze-frames again on Sam's face. INT. Hotel ROOM - NIGHT Sam: (sarcastic) Right. And that's how it really happened. (Dean shrugs) I don't sound like that, Dean! Dean: That's what you sound like to me. Bobby: (staring at them) Okay. What's going on with you two? Sam: Nothing. Noth- it's nothing. Bobby: No, come on. You're bickering like an old married couple. Dean: (getting up and crossing to the kitchenette) No, see married couples can get divorced. We're like, uh, Siamese twins. Sam: (like it's something he's said many times before) It's conjoined twins! Dean: See what I mean? Sam: Look, it, (sighs) We've just been on the road for too long. Tight quarters, all that. Don't worry about it. Bobby: Okay. Sam: So anyway. We figured it might be a haunting, so we went to check out the scene of the crime. FLASHBACK 2 (Sam POV) INT. CRAWFORD HALL - NIGHT The JANITOR from the teaser lets Sam and Dean (posing as electricians) into the professor's office. Sam: So, how long have you been working here? JANITOR I've been mopping this floor for six years. There you go, guys. (seeing Sam's EMF reader) What the heck's that for? Sam: Just find a wire in the walls. JANITOR Huh. Wow. Not sure why you're wiring up this office. Not gonna do the professor much good. Dean: Why's that? JANITOR (bluntly) He's d*ad. Dean: Oh. What happened? JANITOR He went out that window. Right there. Sam: Yeah? Were you working that night? JANITOR I'm the one who found him. Sam: You see it happen? Dean sees a bowl of nuts on the side table and eats one. JANITOR No. I just saw him come up here, and uh, well. Sam: What? JANITOR He wasn't alone. Dean comes into frame, his cheeks stuffed with nuts. He's holding the bowl and continues eating them throughout the scene. Dean: (muffled) Who was he with? Freeze-frame on Dean's chipmunk face. Dean (V.O): Come on! I ate one, maybe two! Sam (V.O) Just let me tell it, okay? Scene starts up again. JANITOR He was with a young lady. I told the cops about her, but uh, I guess they never found her. Sam: You saw this girl go in, huh? Did you ever see her come out? JANITOR Now that you mention it, no. Sam: You ever see her before, around? JANITOR Well, not her. Dean: (still muffled; Sam glares at him) What do you mean? JANITOR I don't mean to cast aspersions on a d*ad guy, but uh . . . Mister Morality? He brought a lot of girls up here. Got more ass than a toilet seat. Dean laughs delightedly; Sam glares, JANITOR grins. Sam: One more thing. This building, it only has four stories, right? JANITOR Yeah. Sam: So there wouldn't be a room six-six-nine? JANITOR 'Course not. Why do you ask? Sam: Aw, just curious. Thanks. INT. Hotel ROOM - NIGHT Still part of the FLASHBACK - They return to the hotel and Sam sits at the table; Dean gets a beer out of the fridge for each of them. Sam: Well, no traces of EMF, that's for sure. Dean: And the room six-six-nine's a load of crap. Sam: So what do you think? The professor's just a jumper? A legend's just a legend? Dean: I don't know. I mean, the uh, girl the janitor described, that's pretty weird. Sam: Yeah. Dean: We oughta check out the history of the building. See if any co-ed ganked herself there. Sam: Yeah, you're right. (he opens up his laptop, then stares at the screen, confused.) Dude. Were you on my computer? Dean: No. Sam: Oh really? 'Cause it's frozen now. On uh, Bustyasianbeauties.com. (Dean frowns, winces, and retreats) Dean! Would you - just - don't touch my stuff anymore, okay? Dean: Why don't you control your O.C.D.? END FLASHBACK 2 INT. Hotel ROOM - DAY Bobby: But did you dig up anything about the building? Or on the suicidal co-ed? Sam: No. History's clean. Bobby: Then it's not a haunting. Dean: Maybe not. Tell you the truth, we're not really sure. Bobby: What do you mean, you're not sure? Sam: Well, it's weird. Bobby: What's weird? Dean: This next part, we uh, we didn't see it happen ourselves exactly, but it's pretty friggin weird. Even for us. FLASHBACK 3 (Dean POV) EXT. CRAWFORD HALL - NIGHT CURTIS walks alone through the campus. He hears a noise and turns, startled, then keeps walking, laughing at himself. He hears another noise and stops, looking straight up. He walks more carefully, hands in pockets. Suddenly a bright light whooshes on overhead and he cringes, arms over his head. He starts running, but trips and falls; a bright beam of light sh**t down and grabs him like a tractor beam, pulling him up. He screams and flails. END ACT ONE INT. Hotel - DAY Bobby: Aliens? Dean: Yeah. Bobby: Aliens? Dean: Yeah. Bobby: Look, even if they are real, they're sure as hell not coming to earth and swiping people. Dean: Hey, believe me. We know. Bobby: My whole life i've never found evidence of an honest-to-God abduction. It's all just cranks and pranks. Sam: Yeah, that's what we thought. But...we figured we'd at least talk to the guy. FLASHBACK 4 (UNCLEAR POV) INT. BAR - NIGHT Dean is seated next to CURTIS, who has three full sh*t glasses lined up in front of him. Sam is standing nearby. CURTIS takes a sh*t. Dean: Hey, you ought to give those purple nurples a sh*t. Sam: So, what happened, curtis? CURTIS You won't believe me. Nobody does. Sam: Give us a chance. CURTIS I do not want this in the papers. Dean: Off the record, then. CURTIS I, uh... I blacked out, and...I lost time, and when I woke up, I don't know where I was. INT - MYSTERIOUS PLACE We see CURTIS lying on a medical table, bright lights in his eyes. A blurry alien face appears above him. Sam: [sitting] Then what? CURTIS [flashing back and forth between the memory and the present] They did tests on me. And, uh... [takes another sh*t] They, uh... They probed me. [Sam turns his face away, struggling not to laugh] Dean: They probed you? CURTIS Yeah, they probed me. Again and a-- Again and -- And again. [takes another sh*t] And again and again and again... And then one more time. Dean: Yikes. CURTIS And that's not even the worst of it. Dean: How could it get any worse? Some alien made you his bitch. [he's smirking. CURTIS glares, Dean stops smirking] CURTIS They... They made me... Slow dance! INT - MYSTERIOUS PLACE Close on a rotating disco ball, pan down to a dance floor where CURTIS is slow dancing with a short alien figure. INT - BAR Cut back to Dean and Sam's reaction to this. Freeze frame, Bobby's voice cuts in. Bobby: You guys are exaggerating again, huh? END FLASHBACK INT. Hotel - PRESENT Sam: No no. Bobby: Then this frat boy's just nuts. Dean: We're not so sure. FLASHBACK 5 (UNCLEAR POV) EXT. CAMPUS - DAY Sam and Dean are standing over a large, perfectly round scorch mark in the ground. Sam: I'm telling you, Dean, This was made by some kind of jet engine. Dean: You mean some saucer-shaped jet engine? Sam: What else could it be? Dean: What the hell? Sam: I don't know. Dean: Seriously, dude -- What the hell? Sam: I don't know. 301 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,600 I mean, first the haunting. Now this? The timing alone -- There's got to be some kind of connection. Dean: You mean between the angry spirit and the sexed-Up E.T.? What could the connection possibly be? FLASHBACK FREEZES Dean (V.O): But what could we do? So we just kept on digging. FLASHBACK RESUMES (Dean POV) They are talking with another college student Sam: So, you and this guy, Curtis -- You were in the Same house? STUDENT Yeah. Dean: You heard what happened to him, right? STUDENT Yeah, he says it was aliens, but, you know, whatever. Sam: [with exaggerated concern] Look, man, I -- I know this all has to be so hard. STUDENT Um, not so much. Sam: But I want you to know... I'm here for you. You brave little soldier. I acknowledge your pain. Come here. [grabs him in a hug] You're too precious for this world. FLASHBACK FREEZES INT. Hotel - DAY Sam: I never said that! Dean: You're always saying pansy stuff like that. FLASHBACK RESUMES STUDENT Well, um... Yeah, uh, thanks. [Sam releases him] Thanks for the hug, but, uh, I'm okay. Really. To tell you the truth, whatever happened to Curtis, he had it coming. Dean: Why is that? STUDENT He's our pledge master. Put us through hell this semester, and got off on it. So now he knows how we feel. Dean: [to Sam] It's okay. INT. Hotel - FLASHBACK CONTINUES [Dean and Sam return to their hotel room] Dean: Still doesn't make a lick of sense. But, hey, at least there's one connection. Sam: Between what? Dean: The victims. The professor and the frat guy -- They're both dicks. Sam: That's a connection? Dean: You got anything better to go on, i'd love to hear it. Sam: [looking in his bag] Where's my laptop? Dean: I don't know. [Sam continues to search, getting more frustrated] Think about it. A philandering professor gets a d*ad girl. A pledge master gets hazed. Sam: I left it in here. Dean: You obviously didn't. I mean, these punishments-they're almost poetic. Actually, it'd be more like a limerick, but still -- Sam: [approaching Dean] Okay, hilarious. Ha ha. Where'd you hide it? Dean: What, your computer? Sam: Yeah, where'd you hide it? Dean: Why would i take your computer? Sam: Because no one else could have. We keep the door locked. We never let any maids in. Dean: Looks like you lost it, Poindexter. Sam: Dude, you know something? I put up with a lot from you. Dean: What are you talking about? I'm a joy to be around. Sam: Yeah? Your dirty socks in the sink, your food in the fridge. Dean: What's wrong with my food? Sam: It's not food anymore, Dean! It's Darwinism. All I ask from you, the one thing, is that you don't mess with my stuff! Dean: You done? Sam: You know, how would you feel if I screwed with the Impala? Dean: It'd be the last thing you ever did. FLASHBACK FREEZES INT. Hotel Bobby: Did you take his computer? Dean: Serves him right, but, no. Sam: Well, I didn't lose it. 'Cause i don't lose things. Dean: Oh, that's right, 'cause he's Mr. Perfect. Bobby: Okay, okay. Why don't you just tell me what happened next? Sam: There was one more victim. Now, we didn't see this one ourselves, either. We kind of put it together from the evidence. But this guy -- He was a research scientist. Animal testing. Dean: Yeah, you know -- A dick, which fits the pattern. FLASHBACK 6 EXT. CAMPUS - NIGHT Research Scientist leaves a campus building, heading towards the street. He sees something shiny in the gutter and stops. He looks around cautiously, then gets down on hands and knees to see it better. It is a gold watch. He gets all the way down and sticks and arm through the gutter bars, trying to reach it. He struggles. Close on his face as something grabs him. He begins screaming and struggling as blood spatters on his face. END ACT TWO INT. MORGUE - NIGHT A window latch slides aside as Sam opens it from the outside with a small Kn*fe. Flashlights in hand, Sam crawls through the window. Dean: Hey. [tosses his flashlight to Sam, then climbs through. Dean opens a body drawer and shines his light through. He grimaces.] Well, this ought to be quick. [They slide the drawer out and gingerly peel off the bloody blanket, revealing extremely mangled remains] Dean: OK, That is just nasty. Sam: Uh, yeah. Dean: Mutilated? Sam: Looks to me like something was hungry. Dean: They identify him yet? Sam: Yeah. A research scientist at the college. Guess where his office was, by the way. Crawford Hall, Same as the professor. Dean: That's right where the frat boy had his close encounter. Sam: Yeah. Hey, grab me that thing, would you? [Dean slides a magnifyer/light over to Sam, who peers through it at the corpse.] Thanks. Dean: What is it? Sam: Looks like a... A belly scale? Dean: A belly scale? From what? Sam: Uh... An alligator? Dean: An alligator in the sewer. Come on. Sam: What? Well, Dean, it's a classic urban legend. A kid flushes a baby gator down the toilet, and it grows huge in the tunnels. Dean: But no one's ever really found one. They're not real. Sam: Neither's alien abduction, but something chomped on this guy. Dean: This couldn't get any weirder. Sam: Maybe we should get some help. I'll call Bobby. Maybe he's run into something like this before. Dean: Oh, I'm sure he has. Just your typical haunted campus, Alien abduction, alligator-in-the-sewer gig. Yeah, it's simple. FLASHBACK PAUSES Sam (PRESENT) We decided to search the sewer anyway, so we split up, each taking one end of campus. Bobby: Did you find anything? Dean: Yeah, I found something, just not in the sewer. FLASHBACK EXT. CAMPUS - NIGHT Dean emerges from the sewer and enteres the alley where the Impala is parked. All four tires are flat. Dean: Son of a bitch! [He circles the car and finds a money clip on the ground, engraved with "S.W."] Dean: Sam! INT. Hotel - DAY Sam is reading a book as Dean enters. Dean: You think this is funny? Sam: It depends. What? Dean: The car! Sam: What about the car? Dean: You can't let the air out of the tires. You're gonna bend the rims! Sam: Whoa, wait a minute. I didn't go near your car. Dean: Oh, yeah? Huh. Then how'd I find this? [holds up the money clip. Sam pats his pocket, stands.] Sam: Hey, give me back my money. Dean: Oh, no, no. Consider it reparations. For, uh, emotional trauma. Sam: Yeah, very funny. Now, give it back. [reaches for it] Dean: No. Sam: Dean,i have had it up to here with you. Dean: Yeah? Right back at you! [Sam reaches for the money again; Dean avoids. Sam grabs at him again, tackles him to the bed. They struggle.] Dean: Get off me! Sam: Give it back! FLASHBACK FREEZES INT. Hotel - PRESENT Bobby: Okay, I've heard enough. Dean: You showed up about an hour after that. Bobby: I'm surprised at you two. I really am. Sam, first off, Dean did not steal your computer. Sam: But I -- Bobby: Shh, shh, shh, shh! And, Dean, Sam did not touch your car. Sam: Yeah. Bobby: And if you two bothered to pull your heads out of your asses, it all would have been pretty clear. Dean: What? Bobby: What you're dealing with. Sam: Uh... Dean: I got nothing. Sam: Me neither. Bobby: You got a trickster on your hands. Dean: That's what I thought. Sam: What?! No, you didn't. Bobby: I got to tell you... you guys were the biggest clue. Sam: What do you mean? Bobby: These things create chaos and mischief as easy as breathing, and it's got you so turned around and at each other's throats, you can't even think straight. Sam: The laptop. Dean: The tires. Bobby: It knows you're onto him, and it's been playing you like fiddles. Dean: So, what is it -- Spirit, demon, what? Bobby: Well, more like demigods, really. There's Loki in scandinavia. There's Anansi in west africa. Dozens of them. They're immortal, and they can create things out of thin air. Things as real as you and me. Make them vanish just as quick. Dean: You mean like an angry spirit or an alien or an alligator. Bobby: The victims fit the M.O., too. Tricksters target the high and the mighty, knock them down a peg, usually with a sense of humor -- deadly pranks, things like that. Dean: Bobby, what do these things look like? Bobby: Lots of things, but human, mostly. Dean: And what human do we know who's been at ground zero this whole time? [Sam frowns, thinking, then gets it.] INT. JANITOR's HOUSE - NIGHT The Janitor is flipping through a copy of Weekly World News. JANITOR [Headline: 'AN ALIEN MADE ME IT's LOVE sl*ve'] Oh, that's a good one. [Page: Alligator in the sewer] [Page:... '...CHAINSAWS FAMILY... BODY PARTS STREWN OVER GRISLY SCENE'] We pan out to see the JANITOR [a.k.a. TRICKSTER]in a tacky swinger's pad: velvet armchair, wildly patterned walls, huge mirrors. He's wearing a white t*nk top and red satin boxers. He calls to a small, energetic dog, who comes bounding towards him. TRICKSTER Come here. [picks up the dog] Could you eat? I could eat. Come on. He gets up and circles to the kitchen, holding a champagne flute. The kitchen table is covered in lavish sweets. TRICKSTER Something's missing. [two scantily clad women appear behind him: one blonde, one brunette; he takes whipped cream on one finger and holds it out; the brunette on his left licks it off.] That's better. Woman: Mmm! END ACT THREE INT. CRAWFOR HALL - DAY The Janitor/Trickster locks a gate with a key attached to his belt. Sam and Dean follow him up a staircase. TRICKSTER Sorry I'm dragging a little ass today, boys. Had quite the night last night. Lots of sex, if you catch my drift. Dean: Yeah, hard not to. Listen, we won't be long. [signals to Sam behind TRICKSTER's back] We just need to check a couple offices up on 3. TRICKSTER No problem. Sam: I, uh, forgot something in the truck. You know what? I'll catch up with you guys. Dean: Okay. [Sam waits until they're out of sight, then hurries back to the locked gate, pulling out his lockpicking tools. He enters, and rummages through lockers until he finds a copy of the Weekly World News in one.] EXT. CRAWFORD HALL - DAY Sam and Dean both exit the building. Sam: Just 'cause he reads the Weekly World News doesn't mean he's our guy. You read it, too. Dean: I'm telling you, it's him. Sam: Look, I just think we need some hard proof. That's all. Dean: Another thing Bobby mentioned was that these suckers have a metabolism like an insect, a real sweet tooth. Sam: I didn't find any candy bars or sugar. Not even Equal. Dean: Probably missed something. Sam: I don't miss things. Dean: Oh, right, 'cause you're Mr. Perfect. Sam: What? Are you really still pissed at me 'Cause of what the trickster did? Dean: You been a tight ass long before that trickster showed up. [from an upper window, Janitor/Trickster is watching them.] Sam: Look, just...stay here, keep an eye on the janitor. I'll go to his place to see if I can find any actual evidence before you go barging in and staking the man! Just wait till I get back, okay? Okay? Dean: Okay! Sam leaves. Dean paces. EXT. CRAWFORD HALL - NIGHT Dean is still waiting impatiently. Dean: Eh, screw this. He enters the building, poking around cautiously with his flashlight. As he goes up the last staircase he puts the flashlight away and pulls out a large wooden stake. He hears something behind him, tucks the stake into his jacket, and enters the theater. On the stage is a round red bed with tacky canopy and a slowly rotating disco ball. The two women the Trickster materialized earlier are sprawled on it seductively. As he gets to the stage, they crawl towards him. BRUNETTE We've been waiting for you, Dean. Dean: Y-Y-You guys aren't real. BRUNETTE Trust me, sugar, it's gonna feel real. Dean laughs nervously Blonde Come on. Let us give you a massage. Dean: You know, I'm a -- I'm a sucker for a happy ending. Really, I am, but... I-I'm gonna have to pass. TRICKSTER [sitting in the audience] They're a peace offering. I know what you and your brother do. I've been around a while. Run into your kind before. Dean: Well, then you know that I... can't let you just keep hurting people. TRICKSTER Come on! Those people got what was coming to them. Hoisted on their own petards. But you and Sam -- I like you. I do. So treat yourself... Long as you want. Just long enough for me to move on to the next town. Dean: Yeah, i don't think I can let you do that. TRICKSTER I don't want to hurt you. And you know that I can. Dean: Look, man, I -- I got to tell you, I dig your style, all right? I mean [Chuckles]I do. I mean... and the slow-Dancing alien -- TRICKSTER One of my personal favorites. Yeah. Dean: But, uh, I can't let you go. TRICKSTER Too bad. Like I said, I like you. Sam was right. You shouldn't have come alone. Dean: Well, I'll agree with you there. [the door slams shut. TRICKSTER looks back up the stairs to see Sam, just entered, with a large stake of his own. Bobby stands at the top of the next aisle, also with a stake.] TRICKSTER That fight you guys had outside -- That was a trick? Hmm. Not bad. But you want to see a real trick? [A masked man with a chainsaw appears near Sam and att*cks. The brunette att*cks Dean. The TRICKSTER watches, entertained, as Bobby and Sam grapple with CHAINSAW Man and Dean fights the two women. They throw him into the seats near the TRICKSTER.] TRICKSTER Nice toss, ladies! [stands] Dean... Dean, Dean, Dean. [Sam tosses a stake to Dean] I did not want to have to do this.</i> Dean: [s*ab the TRICKSTER in the chest] Me neither. As Dean grinds in the stake, the WOMEN and CHAINSAW Man disappear. Dean pulls the stake out, and the TRICKSTER falls, apparently d*ad, into a seat. END ACT FOUR Sam and Bobby approach. Dean: You guys okay? Sam: Yeah. I guess. Dean: All I got to say... he had style. Dean groans, and they stagger outside. Sam: Bobby, thanks a lot. Bobby: Hey, save it! Let's just get the hell out of dodge before somebody finds that body. Dean: Yeah Sam: [pausing at the car] Look, Dean, um... I just want to say that I'm, uh... Um... Dean: Hey. Me too. Bobby: You guys are breaking my heart. Could we please just leave? Sam and Dean exchange a look over the top of the car, get in, and drive away. INT. CRAWFORD HALL THEATER - NIGHT A figure approaches the TRICKSTER's body and stands by it. The body shimmers and disappears; the figure is the TRICKSTER, who bites into a chocolate bar and smiles. END ACT FIVE

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x15 - Tall Tales"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 15 Mar 2007 EXT. ROAD - NIGHT A married couple (MOLLY and DAVID) are driving along a generic 2-lane blacktop at night. 'House of the Rising Sun' plays on the radio. MOLLY [driving] We're lost. DAVID [reading the map] No. This is a short cut... MOLLY Babe, it's just we've been on this road over an hour, and we haven't seen a single car. DAVID Molly, I know how to read a frickin' map, okay? MOLLY We passed a gas station a while back. Let's just go ask someone. DAVID That was 40 minutes ago. We're not turning around. MOLLY Come on. Isn't this argument a little archaic? Men can ask directions these days. DAVID No, we can't. It's against our genetic code. Look, I know exactly where we are. MOLLY Oh, yeah? Where? DAVID Highway 99, okay? It cuts right through... [they pass a sign that reads '41'] MOLLY Highway 99, huh? DAVID Okay, so we're taking the scenic route. MOLLY David. It's our anniversary, and we're spending it stuck in the car. DAVID I know. I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you, okay? Come here. [he leans over, kissing at her neck playfully] MOLLY Stop. I'm mad at you. DAVID Oh, come on, Molly. Hey, you love me. MOLLY [smiling despite herself] No, I don't. You're a jerk. David, I mean it. [she pushes him off, taking her eyes off the road. A Man appears in the road before them.] DAVID Molly! [screaming, she swerves to avoid the man and runs the car off the road] [later: the car has crashed into a tree. MOLLY wakes up and looks around, disoriented.] MOLLY David? David? [she crawls out of the wreck] David? David? [he is nowhere to be seen] Da... David?! [she staggers through the woods, calling for him] David?! David? [she comes upon a cabin, with a candle burning in the window] Hello? Is anyone here? [she enters] Hello? [she passes a wall covered in tools, then sees the Man from the road standing with his back to her] It's you. You're okay. I'm so sorry. [close on his stomach, which she can't see and which is impaled and bloody] I didn't see you there. Are you... Are you hurt? [reaches out to touch him] Sir? [He turns towards her, blood dripping down his face. His mouth opens, spilling more blood, and his face turns dark and rotting. She glances down and sees his stomach. She screams.] END Teaser TITLE CARD: SUPERNATURAL EXT. WOODS - NIGHT MOLLY runs through the woods away from the cabin. She staggers onto the road, where a car is approaching. MOLLY Stop! [she stands in the middle of the road, hands out; the car stops just short of her. It is the Impala.] MOLLY You've got to help me. [goes to the passenger's side and pounds on the window, which Sam rolls down.] Please. Please! Sam: All right, all right. Calm down, calm down. Tell us what happened. EXT. ROAD - NIGHT Sam and Dean have parked the Impala by the road and all three are standing around it. MOLLY I-I swerved, a-And we crashed. And when I came to, the car was wrecked and my husband was missing. I went looking for him, but that's when the man from the road, he... he started chasing me. Dean: Did he look like he lost a fight with a lawn mower? MOLLY How did you know that? Dean: Lucky guess. Sam: Ma'am, what's your name? MOLLY Molly. Molly Mcnamara. Sam: [exchanging a look with Dean: I think maybe you should come with us. We'll take you back into town. MOLLY I can't. I have to find David. He might have gone back to the car. Sam: We should get you somewhere safe first. Then Dean and I will come back. We'll look for your husband. MOLLY No. I'm not leaving here without him. Would you just take me back to my car, please? Sam: Of course. Come on. [EXT. WOODS - NIGHT] The Impala parks by the woods near the crash site. They get out, MOLLY leading them into the woods. MOLLY It's right over there. [they come upon the crash site, but the car is gone] I don't understand. I'm sure this is where it was. W-We h*t that tree right there. This... this doesn't make any sense. [she goes to investigate, out of earshot] Sam: Dean, we got to get out of here. Greeley could show up at any second. Dean: What are you gonna tell her? Sam: The truth? Dean: She's gonna take off running in the other direction. MOLLY I know it sounds crazy, but I crashed into that tree. I don't know who could've taken it. It was totaled. Please. You have to believe me. Sam: Molly, listen, we do believe you. But that's why we want to get you out of here. MOLLY What about David? Something must have happened. I have to get to the cops. Dean: Cops... that's a great idea. We'll take you down to the station ourselves. So just come with us. It's the best way we can help you and your husband. MOLLY Okay. [she comes back up] EXT. ROAD - NIGHT They drive down the road, MOLLY in the backseat. MOLLY We're supposed to be in lake Tahoe. Sam: You and David? MOLLY It's our five-Year anniversary. Dean: Hell of an anniversary. MOLLY Right before, we were having the dumbest fight. It was the only time we ever really argued... when we were stuck in the car. Sam: Yeah. I know how that goes. [Dean scowls at him] MOLLY You know the last thing I said to him? I called him a jerk. Oh, god. What if that's the last thing I said to him? Sam: [turning to face her] Molly... We're gonna figure out what happened to your husband. I promise. [the radio starts making odd noises, then plays 'House of the Rising Sun'. Dean frowns at it] Dean: Did you? Sam: No. Dean: I was afraid you'd say that. MOLLY This song. Dean: What? MOLLY It was playing when we crashed. The radio crackles again, and settles on another station. A creepy voice (GREELEY's) can be heard. GREELEY's Voice She's mine. She's mine. She's mine. MOLLY What is that? GREELEY appears in the middle of the road. Dean floors it straight at him. Dean: Hold on. MOLLY What are you doing? [He drives straight into GREELEY, who vanishes in a puff of smoke] MOLLY What the... What the hell just happened? Sam: Don't worry, Molly. Everything's gonna be all right. [the Impala begins to shudder] Dean: Spoke a little too soon, Sammy. [the Impala coasts to a stop on the side of the road] I don't think he's gonna let her leave. END ACT ONE All three exit the car. MOLLY This can't be happening. Dean: Well... Trust me, it's happening. He opens the trunk and starts pulling out w*apon. MOLLY comes around and sees the arsenal, backs away slowly. MOLLY Well... Okay. Thanks for helping, but I think I got it covered from here. Sam: [going after her] Wait. Molly, Molly, wait a minute. MOLLY Just leave me alone. Sam: No. Please. You have to listen to me. MOLLY Just stay away. [turns and starts to leave] Sam: It wasn't a coincidence that we found you, all right? MOLLY [stops, turns back] What are you talking about? Dean: We weren't cruising for chicks when we ran into you, sister. We were already out here. Hunting. MOLLY Hunting for what? Dean: Ghosts. Sam: [exasperated] D... d... don't... Sugar coat it for her. MOLLY You're nuts. Dean: Really? About as nuts as a vanishing guy with his guts spilling out. You know what you saw. Sam: We think his name is Jonah Greeley. He was a local farmer that died 15 years ago on this highway. MOLLY Just stop. Sam: One night a year, on the anniversary of his death, he haunts this road. That's why we're here, Molly. To try and stop him. MOLLY Now, I suppose this ghost made my car disappear, too. Dean: Crazier things have happened. Huh? MOLLY You know what? I'm all filled up on crazy. I'm gonna get the cops myself. Dean: I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't think you're gonna get too far. MOLLY What is that supposed to mean? Dean: Means that plan 'A' was trying to get you out of here. Obviously that didn't go over too well with, uh, Farmer Roadkill. Sam: Molly, we're telling the truth. Greeley's not gonna let you leave this highway. MOLLY You're s... you're serious about this, aren't you? Dean: Deadly. Sam: Everyear, Greeley finds someone to punish for what happened to him. Tonight that person is you. MOLLY Why me? I didn't do anything. Sam: Doesn't matter. Some spirits only see what they want. MOLLY So you're saying this Greeley, he took my husband? Oh, god. Sam: Molly, look, we're gonna help, all right? But first, you got to help us. MOLLY Help you? How? INT. CABIN - NIGHT MOLLY has led them back to the cabin where she saw GREELEY. MOLLY This is it. This is where I saw him. Dean: Must have been his hunting cabin. [sees vicious tools hanging, a bloodstained table] Seemed like a real sweet guy. Sam: No markers or headstones outside. MOLLY You're looking for Greeley's grave? Sam: Yeah. MOLLY Why? Dean: So we can dig up the corpse and salt and burn it. MOLLY Oh. Sure. Naturally. Sam: It's a way to get rid of a spirit. MOLLY And that'll save David? Sam: This is what'll help both of you, provided there's a corpse to be found. MOLLY So how do we find it? Sam: Uh, not sure. After Greeley died, his wife claimed the body. And that was the last anyone saw of her. So good guess she brought him back here. But they have a thousand acres. He could be buried anywhere on 'em. MOLLY Is is really what you guys do? You're like Ghostbusters? Sam: Yeah. Dean: Minus the jumpsuits. [briskly] This is a fascinating conversation and all, but this highway is only haunted once a year, and we got till sun up to wrap this thing up. What do you say we move it along, okay? Great. They go outside and continue their search. MOLLY What are we looking for? Sam: Greeley's house. Maybe he's buried there. Look for roads or paths or something. Stay close. MOLLY Yeah. Okay. She hears a voice. Voice Molly? Molly, help me. Molly? MOLLY David? David? She goes in search of the voice. GREELEY appears and grabs her. She screams. Dean: [pointing his g*n at GREELEY] Whoops. [sh**t GREELEY in the head. he dissipates] Sam: [running to them] Hey! Are you all right? MOLLY What has that son of a bitch done with my husband? Sam: Just take it easy, all right? You're gonna see David again. You will. Dean: Hey. [indicating something ahead of them] Follow the creepy brick road. Sam: [gesturing MOLLY to follow Dean; Sam takes up the rear] Go ahead. MOLLY That thing sh**t rock salt? Sam: Yep. MOLLY And plain salt keeps away spirits? Sam: Simple remedies are always the best. In most cultures, salt is a symbol of purity, so it repels impure and unnatural things. Same reason you throw it over your shoulder. [The round the corner and see a creepy house] Dean: You know, just once I'd like to round the corner and see a nice house. Sam and MOLLY enter the house; Dean stays outside to look around. Dean enters. Sam: Any headstones outside? Dean: Yeah, right. Is it ever that easy? Sam: I guess not. Dean: You two check upstairs. See if you can find any notes or records telling us where he's buried. I'll just check down here. Sam and MOLLY go upstairs. They find a room strewn with papers. Sam: Great. [he starts going through the papers; MOLLY finds an old photo album by the window and opens it] MOLLY Look at this. [she takes the album to the bed and sits down. Sam joins her.] It's Greeley and his wife. [Sam turns a few pages] It's a love letter he wrote her. My god, it's beautiful. I don't understand how a guy like this can turn into that monster. Sam: Spirits like Greeley are,uh... Like wounded animals. Lost. In so much pain, that they lash out. MOLLY Why? Why are they here? Sam: Well, there's some part of them that... That's keeping them here. Like their remains or, um... Unfinished business. MOLLY Unfinished business? Sam: Yeah. It could be revenge. Could be love. Or hate. Whatever it is, they just hold on too tight. Can't let go. So they're trapped. Caught in the Same loops. Replaying the Same tragedies over and over. MOLLY You sound almost sorry for them. Sam: Well, they weren't evil people, you know? A lot of them were good. Just... Something happened to them. Something they couldn't control. Dean: [from the doorway] Sammy's always getting a little J. Love Hewitt when it comes to things like this. Me, I don't like 'em. And I sure as hell ain't making apologies for 'em. There's nothing downstairs. Sam: Uh, just about every piece of mail or receipt they ever had. Looked through a couple, but nothing about a grave so far. Dean investigates a wall. Sam: What? Dean: There's something behind here. [tosses his flashlight to Sam] Here. [moves a cabinet aside, revealing a small hidden door. He pokes at it] It's locked from the inside. [turning around, he throws a back kick at the door, which does nothing. He looks surprised, then braces himself and kicks harder. The door falls inward. They crawl through.] Smells like old lady in here. [he finds a corpse hanging by the neck from the ceiling.] And that would explain why. Well, now we know why nobody ever saw her again. MOLLY She didn't want to live without him. Sam: [picking up a chair as if to take down the corpse] Dean, give me a hand. Dean: Really? MOLLY What are you gonna do? Sam: We can't leave her like this. Dean: Why not? Sam: She deserves to be put to rest, Dean. Dean reluctantly agrees. Sam stands on the chair and begins to cut through the rope as Dean steadies the corpse. EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT Sam and Dean dig a grave for Mrs. GREELEY. MOLLY So... So, if you manage to put Greeley to rest, too... What happens to them? Dean: Lady, that answer is way beyond our pay grade. MOLLY You hunt these things, but you don't know what happens to them? Dean: Well, they never come back. That's all that matters. Sam: [seeing that this answer has not satisfied her] After they let go of whatever's keeping them here, they...They just go. I hope someplace better, but we don't know. No one does. MOLLY What happens when you burn their bones? Sam: Well, my dad used to say that was like death for ghosts, you know? But... The truth is, we still don't know. Not for sure. [looks at Dean] Guess that's why we all hold on to life so hard. Even the d*ad. We're all just scared of the unknown. MOLLY The only thing I'm scared of is losing David. I have to see him again. I have to. END ACT TWO INT. HOUSE - NIGHT MOLLY is pacing in one room, looking through the photo album; Sam and Dean waiting in another room nearby. Sam: I think we should tell her about her husband. Dean: We can't. Sam: Dean, it's cruel, letting her pine for him like this. I don't like keeping her in the dark. Dean: It's for her own good. [gets up] I know you feel guilty, but let's just stick to the plan. Let's get her out of here. Then we'll tell her. MOLLY [approaching] Tell me what? What aren't you telling me? It's about David. You know what happened to him. Sam: Molly-- Dean: Sam, don't. MOLLY Don't what? Don't tell me because I'll mess up your hunt? You don't care about me or my husband. Sam: That's not true. MOLLY Really? Then whatever it is, tell me, please. [they hear the song 'House of the Rising Sun' begin to play] He's coming. Dean: Stay with her... Dean goes cautiously towards the sound. He uncoveres a dusty radio that has powered itself up. He crouches down and finds a broken, frayed power cord. He hears another noise and goes toward the front door. It frosts over and the words 'sHE's MINE' appear. In the other room, MOLLY is standing by the window. Sam steps cautiously forward towards the next room. Suddenly a figure crashes through the window behind MOLLY and grabs her. She screams as she is dragged outside. Dean comes running back. Sam: He's got Molly! They both leap through the window and chase them through the woods. They lose sight of them, and return to the house. Dean: This guy is persistent. Sam: We got to find Molly. Dean: We got to find Greeley's bones. And, uh, no pressure or anything, but we got less than two hours before sunrise. Sam: [looking through the photo album] Hey. Dean: What do you got? Sam: [reading the caption on a photograph] 'February 6, 1992.' Dean: That was like two weeks before the accident, wasn't it? Sam: Yeah. It looks like the hunting cabin, but... I swear there's a tree there right where they're standing. Should have thought of it. Dean: What? Sam: It's an old country custom, Dean. Planting a tree as a grave marker. Dean: You're like a walking encyclopedia of weirdness. Sam: Yeah. I know. [they leave] INT. HUNTING CABIN - NIGHT MOLLY is hanging from the ceiling by her wrists. MOLLY Where's David? What did you do to him? GREELEY You shouldn't worry about him anymore. MOLLY Oh, my god. GREELEY You should worry about yourself. MOLLY I didn't do anything to you. GREELEY Oh? MOLLY [as he runs a filthy hand over her face] I know... I know about your wife. Hurting me won't bring her back. GREELEY My wife is gone. All I got left's hurting you. [he slides a finger across her collarbone, slicing flesh] MOLLY P-Please. Just let me go. GREELEY Go? You're not gonna leave. You're never gonna leave. [he drags a finger across her belly, gouging deep] Sam and Dean approach the cabin from the outside, carrying shovels. Sam: Go get Molly. [as Dean heads inside, Sam begins to dig around the tree. Inside, GREELEY is approaching MOLLY menacingly when his head explodes in a g*n burst, revealing Dean behind him.] MOLLY Oh, thank god. Dean: Call me Dean. [GREELEY appears behind Dean, who turns to face him. GREELEY gestures and Dean cries out, a cut appearing on his cheek.] This guy's really pissing me off. GREELEY gestures again and Dean flies backward, slamming against the wall. Outside, Sam digs feverishly. He hits something hard. Inside, Dean is still struggling against the wall. GREELEY reaches out, and a Kn*fe flies into his hand. Sam empties a box of salt into the open grave. GREELEY approaches Dean with the Kn*fe. Sam empties a container of gasoline into the grave, lights a match and drops it in. GREELEY freezes and rears back in pain The corpse in the grave catches f*re and burns GREELEY bursts into flame, is consumed, and disappears. The Kn*fe falls to the floor. END ACT THREE Dean, Sam, and MOLLY approach the Impala. Dean pats it lovingly. Dean: Oh, baby, it's been a long night. Dean drops his bag in the back, then climbs into the driver's seat. Sam opens the back door for MOLLY. Sam: All right. Let's get you out of here. MOLLY I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what happened to my husband. Sam: Molly... MOLLY All this time I've been looking for him, and you knew that... You knew that Greeley k*lled him, didn't you? He's d*ad. Sam: No, Molly. David's alive. MOLLY What? You're sure? Sam: I'm sure. We'll take you to him. Come on. [grinning, she gets in the car.] EXT. DAVID's HOUSE - NIGHT They pull up in front of a nice suburban home. The lights are on inside. Sam: He's in that house right there. MOLLY I don't understand. Sam: You will. [They get out. She approaches the window, and can see DAVID inside. He is older, wearing a bathrobe, and pouring a cup of coffee.] MOLLY That's not... It can't be. [DAVID looks up and a woman in a bathrobe comes up to him, kissing him on the lips.] What's happening? [turning back to Sam and Dean] Who is that? Sam: That's David's wife. I'm sorry, Molly. 15 years ago, you and your husband h*t Jonah Greeley with your car. David survived. MOLLY What are you saying? Dean: We're saying there isn't just one spirit haunting highway 41. There are two. Jonah Greeley and you. Sam: For the past 15 years, one night a year you've been appearing on that highway. MOLLY No. That's not possible. It was our anniversary... February 22nd... Sam: 1992. MOLLY Yes. Dean: Molly, it's 2007. MOLLY Oh, god. FLASHBACK - Sam AND Dean POV, THE PREVIOUS NIGHT INT. Impala - NIGHT Dean: All right. Tell me about highway 41. Sam: 12 accidents over 15 years. Five of them fatal, all of them happening on the Same night. Dean: So what are we looking at... interstate d*ad zone? Phantom hitchhiker? What? Sam: Not quite. Year after year, witnesses said the Same thing made them crash. A woman appearing in the middle of the road being chased by a man covered in blood. Dean: Two spooks? CONTINUED FLASHBACK: INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT Sam and Dean find old newspaper articles referring to MOLLY and JONAH's deaths. CONTINUED FLASHBACK: INT. DAVID's HOUSE - NIGHT Dean: Now, where is Molly buried? DAVID She... she wasn't buried anywhere. She was cremated. CONTINUED FLASHBACK: EXT. DAVID's HOUSE - NIGHT Dean: So much for burning her bones. Sam: Yeah, but then what's keeping her here? CONTINUED FLASHBACK: MOLLY sees the events of the crash and the aftermath in flashes Sam [present] Some spirits only see what they want. FLASHBACK: EXT. WOODS - NIGHT MOLLY David?! David? MOLLY runs out onto the road, stopping the Impala. MOLLY Stop! Stop! You have to help me. Sam: Dean, I don't think she knows she's d*ad. MOLLY Please! Open up! Please! Sam: Okay. All right, all right. Just calm down. Tell us what happened. CONTINUED FLASHBACK: EXT. ROAD - NIGHT Dean: What are you gonna tell her? Sam: The truth? Dean: She's gonna take off running in the other direction. CONTINUED FLASHBACK: INT. GREELEY's HOUSE = NIGHT Sam: Some spirits hold on too tight. Can't let go. FLASHBACK ENDS MOLLY And Greeley? Sam: Each year he punishes somebody for his death... chasing them. Torturing them. And each year, that somebody is you. MOLLY But I don't remember any of it. Sam: Because you couldn't see the truth, Molly. MOLLY So that's why he won't let me off the highway. Because... I k*lled him. I k*lled us both. END ACT FOUR EXT. DAVID's HOUSE - NEAR DAWN MOLLY [sitting on the steps] Why didn't you tell me when you first saw me? Why wait until now? Dean: You wouldn't have believed us. MOLLY And you needed me for bait. Sam: Well, we needed you. MOLLY David. Sam: Molly, we brought you here so you could move on. MOLLY I have to tell him. Sam: Tell him what? That you love him? That you're sorry? Molly, he already knows that. Look, if you want to go in there, we're not gonna stop you. Dean: Yeah, but you are gonna freak him right out. For life. Sam: David's already said his good byes, Molly. Now it's your turn. This is your unfinished business. MOLLY What am I supposed to do? Sam: Just... Let go. Of David. Of everything. You do that... We think you'll move on. MOLLY But you don't know where. Sam: No. But Molly, you don't belong here. Haven't you suffered long enough? It's time. It's time to go. [MOLLY nods sadly, then steps slowly away from the house. She turns her face upwards as the first light of dawn creeps over the rooftops. Bathed in light, she becomes part of the light and vanishes.] Dean: I guess she wasn't so bad... For a ghost. You think she's really going to a better place? Sam: I hope so. Dean: I guess we'll never know. Not until we take the plunge ourselves, huh? Sam: Doesn't really matter, Dean. Hope's kind of the whole point. Dean: All right, Haley Joel. [smacks him in the shoulder] Let's h*t the road. They cross the road and get back in the Impala as a light rain begins to fall. END ACT FIVE [Category:Transcripts]

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x16 - Roadkill"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 22 Mar 2007 [FADE IN: SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA. INT. BAR. NIGHT. A young woman, MADISON, is grabbing drinks with her friends. Her co-worker, NATE MULLIGAN, approaches.] NATE: Hey, Maddie. Listen, I hate to pull you away, but I'm gonna need you to come back to the office with me. MADISON: Really? [Her friends begin smirking.] NATE: Yeah. Turns out I've gotta file those docs by midnight— MADISON: Midnight? NATE: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to, um…[he sees that she is smiling]This isn't working at all, is it? MADISON: [laughing]No, it's not, Nate. NATE: Listen, I've had a couple. I shouldn't really drive. Could you just give me a lift— MADISON: I already called you a cab. [smiling]I'll see you in the morning. [NATE walks away, and MADISON and her friends start cracking up.] Friend: That happen a lot? MADISON: Only on the days that end with a "y". [Still laughing, MADISON scans the room and suddenly sees a surly-looking man in a leather jacket. Seated at a table across the bar, he is watching her with a serious look on his face. She stops smiling and looks uncomfortable.] Friend: You okay? MADISON: Yeah. [When she looks again, the man is gone.]I've gotta go. [CUT TO: STREET. MADISON is walking quickly to her car. She hears a crashing noise behind her, but when she stops, she sees nothing. Once she reaches her car and drives away, the mysterious man immediately begins following her, watching her leave.] [CUT TO: INT. OFFICE BUILDING. MORNING. MADISON is filling the coffee pot at the water cooler. Suddenly, she stops when she notices blood on the door to NATE's office. She goes to the door and pushes it open. A trail of blood on the rug leads to the desk, where NATE is lying, d*ad. His entire chest has been ripped apart, leaving blood everywhere. Screaming, MADISON drops the coffee pot, shattering it to pieces.] TITLE CARD [FADE IN: INT. MORGUE. Sam watches as the employee slides NATE's corpse from his compartment.] EMPLOYEE: Here he is, Detective. [NATE has stitches running along his chest, stomach, shoulders, and throat.] Sam: That's a pretty nasty bite. EMPLOYEE: Mm-hmm. Sam: You know what bit him? EMPLOYEE: [averting her eyes]I haven't quite determined that just yet. Sam: Come on, Doc. Off the record. EMPLOYEE: Okay, way, way off the record. Sam: Sure. EMPLOYEE: If I didn't know better, I'd say the guy was att*cked by a wolf. But unless I know that the zoo is missing one of their lobos, I'm going with pit bull. [eyeing him]I like my job. Sam: [Chuckling]Yeah, I hear you. One more thing. This guy –- was his heart missing? EMPLOYEE: Yeah, how did you know that? I haven't even finished my report. Sam: Lucky guess. [CUT TO: INT. MOTEL ROOM.] Dean: [cleaning his g*n]This Lawyer guy the first heart-free corpse in town? Sam: The first man. Over the past year, several women have gone missing. d*ad bodies all washed up later in the bay, too deteriorated to draw firm conclusions. Dean: But no hearts? Sam: No hearts. They were all hookers working Hunter's Point. Now, cops are trying to keep things under wrap, but they're looking for a serial k*ller. Dean: And the lunar cycle? Sam: Mm-hmm. Yeah, month after month, all the m*rder happen in the week leading up to the full moon. Dean: Which is this week, right? Sam: Hence the Lawyer. Dean: Awesome. Sam: Dean, could you be a bigger geek about this? Dean: I'm sorry, man, but what about "a human by day, a freak animal k*lling machine by moonlight" don't you understand? I mean, werewolves are badass. We haven't seen one since we were kids. Sam: Okay, Sparky. And you know what? After we k*ll it, we can go to Disneyland. Dean: You know what the best part about it is? We already know how to bring these suckers down. [holding up a silver b*llet]One of these bad boys right to the heart. So, what's our next move? Sam: Talk to the girl who found the body. [CUT TO: INT. MADISON's APARTMENT. She lets Sam and Dean inside.] MADISON: I don't understand. I already gave my statement. Sam: Right, well, we just need to verify a few things. MADISON: This is my neighbor, Glen. Glen, this is Detective… Dean: Landis. And Detective Dante. [He pats Sam on the back. GLEN, a bearded man wearing a "Mission Church" T-shirt, stands.] GLEN: Well, I guess I'll leave you to it. MADISON: Okay. Thanks for the casserole. Dean: Oh, how thoughtful. GLEN: Just call if you need anything. [They watch GLEN leave.] MADISON: He's sweet. He came over to check on me. Have a seat. [They sit down at the kitchen table.] Sam: You must be pretty shaken up. You were Nate Mulligan's assistant, right? MADISON: For two years, yeah. Dean: So, you knew all about him? MADISON: Probably knew more about him than he did. Nate was…he was nice. Sam: But? MADISON: Nothing, really. He had a few scotches in him, and he started hitting on anyone in a five-mile radius. You know the type. [Sam notices Dean practically salivating over her.] Sam: Yeah. I do, actually. Dean: [becoming serious]Did he have any enemies? MADISON: What do you mean? It sure looked like an animal att*ck. Dean: No, yeah, we're just covering all the bases. Anyone that might have had a beef with him –- a former client, an ex? [Sam notices her think of somebody.] Sam: What? MADISON: Well, this is embarrassing, but my ex-boyfriend, Kurt— Dean: Kurt have a last name? MADISON: Mueller. After we broke up, he went kind of nuts. He's…well, he's kind of been stalking me. He got it in his head that something was going on between Nate and I. He showed up at my office. Sam: What happened? MADISON: Kurt got into it with Nate, threw a punch before security grabbed him. I was lucky to keep my job. Dean: When was the last time you saw Kurt? MADISON: A few nights ago. Actually, the night Nate died. We were all grabbing drinks at this bar, and Kurt showed up. Dean: And? MADISON: Nothing. It was like he was watching me. Then he was gone. To tell you the truth…he scares me. [CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT.] Dean: So, what do you think? Sam: Stalker ex-boyfriend? He hates the boss. And he was there that night. Dean: You think he's our dog-faced boy? Sam: Well, it's a theory. Dean: We've had worse. Sam: Yeah. Dean: What do you say we pay Kurt a visit? [Inside the apartment, MADISON hears something outside. She goes to the window and sees KURT watching her from the lawn. When she looks again, he is gone.] [CUT TO: INT. KURT's APARTMENT. Sam and Dean pick the lock and enter. While they are looking through the kitchen, the point of view changes to that of an animal, watching them from the corner.] Sam: Anything? Dean: [closing the fridge]No, nothing but leftovers and a six-pack. Sam: Check the freezer. Maybe there's some human hearts behind the Haagen-Dazs or something. [As Dean turns to the freezer, they hear a door open and close, followed by a crash outside. Dean steps out the sliding glass door onto the balcony. On the wall of the building, he notices claw marks sliding all the way down to the ground.] Dean: Sam, come here! [Sam joins him.]Check it out. [CUT TO: STREET. A policeman is walking around and hears a crash nearby.] POLICEMAN: Somebody there? [The point of view changes again. Though the audience cannot see it, it is clear there is an animal watching from the dumpster. It jumps to att*ck the policeman as he approaches.] [From the apartment, Sam and Dean hear a g*n. They race down to the street, only to find the policeman's body completely mauled.] Sam: I'll call 911. [Dean bends down to examine the corpse.] Dean: I'd say Kurt's looking more and more like our Cujo. Sam: Dean, if he's out here, we better check on Madison. [CUT TO: MADISON's APARTMENT. The boys knock on her front door. Across the hall, GLEN opens his door to see the commotion.] GLEN: What's going on? Dean: Police business, Glen. [MADISON answers.] MADISON: What is it? Sam: [glancing at Glen]Well, maybe we should talk privately. [CUT TO: INT. MADISON's KITCHEN. She is pouring the boys coffee.] Sam: Has Kurt been here? MADISON: Not exactly. Dean: What exactly does "not exactly" mean? MADISON: Well, he was outside last night. Just…looking. Just looking at me. [The boys exchange a look.]Has he done something? Sam: We're not really sure. Dean: It's probably nothing, but…we just don't wanna take any chances. In fact, one of us should probably stay here with you, just in case he stops by. Where does he work? MADISON: He owns a body shop. Dean: You mind grabbing that address for us? [She nods and leaves the room.]Thanks. Sam: All right, you go. I'll stay. Dean: Forget that. You go after the creepy ex. I'm gonna hang here with the hot chick. Sam: Dude, why do you always get to hang out with the girls? Dean: Because I'm older. Sam: No, screw that. We settle this the old-fashioned way. [He takes the coffee cups and sets them down, then raises his fist for Rock-Paper-Scissors. Dean plays along, choosing scissors while Sam chooses rock.] Sam: Dean, always with the scissors. Dean: Shut up, shut up. Two out of three. [They play once more, with Sam's rock again beating Dean's scissors.] Dean: God! Sam: Bundle up out there, all right? [Later that morning, MADISON is checking through the mail while Sam watches from the kitchen table. He smiles uncomfortably at her.] MADISON: Um…do you wanna sit on the couch? Sam: No. No, no. I'm okay. MADISON: It's more comfortable. Sam: Ah, I'm fine. [She comes back to the table with a basket of laundry. Dumping it onto the table, she begins sorting through her underwear.] Sam: You know, I think I will sit on the couch. [He sits there awkwardly until his phone rings. He answers.] Dean: [from the street]Let me guess. You're sitting on her couch like a stiff, trying to think of something to say. Sam: Did you find Kurt? Dean: No, he hasn't been at work all week. But because I'm good, and I mean really, really good, I got a line on where he might be. What's she wearing? Sam: Bye, Dean. [He hangs up.] Dean: [Chuckling]Oh, Sammy. [MADISON comes to sit by Sam on the couch. She turns on the TV to a soap opera. Sam makes a face, visibly annoyed by the choice of programming.] MADISON: I saw that. Sam: Saw what? MADISON: Okay, this is the deal: my house, my TV. I never get to watch my show. So suck it up. [Later, after the credits have rolled, Sam is completely riveted.] Sam: Wait, so…Kendall married Ethan's father just to get back at him? MADISON: Yup. And now she's set to inherit all the casinos that were supposed to go to Ethan. Sam: What a bitch! [They laugh.] MADISON: Admit it, you're hooked. Sam: No, no, no, no, no. I wouldn't say I'm hooked. [She giggles.]You know, can I ask you a question? It's – it's a little personal. MADISON: You've seen my entire underwear collection. Go ahead. Sam: Okay, um…well, you're – you're clearly smart. I mean, your house is full of great books, you know? And you're independent. MADISON: Uh-huh. Sam: What were you doing with Kurt? MADISON: [after a pause]I don't know. I mean, it's not like he introduced himself, like, "Hi, I'm possessive and controlling and I like to punch people. Wanna be my girlfriend?" Sam: Yeah, well, I guess we all make mistakes. MADISON: Yeah, well, mine's wanted by the police. You wanna know why I stayed with him? Really? [He nods.]I was too insecure to leave. Sam: I find that hard to believe. I mean, you don't really seem like the type. MADISON: Yeah, well, some stuff happened. My life changed, I changed. For the better, I think. Sam: What happened? MADISON: Well, for one thing, I got mugged. Sam: And that's supposed to be a good thing? MADISON: [laughing]I know, it sounds strange. And don't get me wrong, it rattled me. But then it h*t me. I could keep feeling sorry for myself, or I could take control of my life. I chose the latter. First thing I did was tell Kurt he had to go. Sam: Smart move. MADISON: Apparently. Everything else just opened up, blossomed. It's all been wonderful, really. [Sam shrugs.]What? Doesn't everybody think that being a victim of random v*olence is the best thing that ever happened to them? Sam: [laughing]Yeah, not so much. You're…unusual. MADISON: Unusual, like…[she points to her head]unusual? Sam: No. No. No, no, no. Unusual, like…impressive. MADISON: You think so? [As Sam is about to answer, his phone rings. He smiles apologetically.] Sam: Sorry. [He answers.]Hey. Dean: [at a strip club]I found him. Sam: Good, don't take your eyes off him. [Dean, taking his eyes off the stripper, glances at KURT. He is sitting across the table, also watching the stripper. Dean looks back at the woman.] Dean: Oh, yeah, my eyes are glued. Look, Sammy, I gotta let you go. I, uh, I don't wanna miss anything. [He hands the stripper a dollar bill and hangs up, smirking.] [CUT TO: MADISON's APARTMENT. NIGHT. She joins Sam in the living room, while he watches the full moon from the window.] MADISON: So, um…I'm gonna turn in. Sam: Okay, yeah. Well, I'll be here. MADISON: Okay. Sam: You know, if you hear anything, I mean if you wake up, just – just call out. [He fidgets awkwardly.] MADISON: Okay. Sam: Okay. [She smiles uncomfortably and goes into her bedroom. Sam sighs, frustrated with himself.] [Later, Sam is watching TV in the living room. He glances at MADISON's bedroom, but there's no movement. Meanwhile, Dean is standing on the street outside KURT's house. He sees a light turn on inside the house and gets his g*n ready. Suddenly, he hears glass shattering. He looks back up to see the lights off in the house.] Dean: What the--? [Dean runs to the house and bursts through the door. Entering one of the rooms, he sees the werewolf hovering over KURT's mauled body. It turns towards Dean. The werewolf is MADISON. Though she still looks human, her eyes have turned an electric blue, and her teeth have turned to bloody fangs. She growls and runs to Dean, pushing him into the wall. He cuts her arm with his Kn*fe, causing her to jump out the window and leave.] [Later that morning, Sam is still at MADISON's apartment. He answers his ringing cell phone.] Sam: Dean, you okay? Dean: Yeah, now that I'm conscious. The werewolf knocked me out. Sam, it's Madison. Sam: What? Dean: Yeah, awesome job of keeping an eye on her. [Sam enters MADISON's bedroom to see that she is sound asleep.] Sam: Dean, I've been here the whole time. She's in bed, asleep. Dean: Well, she wasn't an hour ago. Check her right arm below her elbow. I nicked her with a silver Kn*fe. [He hangs up. MADISON rolls over and wakes up, noticing Sam.] MADISON: Morning. [She sits up and notices that she is naked, covered only by her bed sheets. Sam sees the wound on her arm.] MADISON: Um…where are my pajamas? [Sam, upset, leaves the bedroom.]Sam? What's going on? Where are you going? [She follows him to the living room, where he is locking the front door.] Sam: I'm not going anywhere. And neither are you. [Later, MADISON is seated in a chair, with her wrists bound. Sam is standing in front of her, holding a g*n.] MADISON: You're psychotic. The whole "I'm a cop" trip, God, I am so stupid. Sam: Well, I guess neither of us are who we said we were, huh? MADISON: Sam, you're sick, okay? You're imagining things. Monsters don't exist, not really. Sam: You know what? Save the act. MADISON: [crying]It's not an act! I am not a werewolf! There's no such thing! It's made up, all right? They're not real! You know they're not real! Sam: No? [pointing to her wound]Then where did that come from? MADISON: I don't know! Sam, God, you need help. Please, don't do something that you're gonna regret. I'm not what you think I am. I'm not. [Sam, visibly upset, hears knocking at the door. He opens it to see Dean, who enters and smirks at MADISON.] Dean: How you doin'? My head feels great, thanks. Sam: We've gotta talk. [He brings Dean into another room.]She says she has no idea what I'm talking about. Dean: She's lying. Sam: Or maybe she really doesn't know she's changing, you know? Maybe – maybe when the creature takes over, she blacks out. Dean: [deadpan]Like a really hot Incredible Hulk. Come on, dude, she ganked her boss and her ex-boyfriend. That doesn't sound rash and unconscious. Sam: Yeah, but what if it was, Dean? I mean, what if some animal part of her brain saw both those guys as thr*at? Hell, the cop, too. Dean: What are you, the Dog Whisperer now? Sam: Look, man, I just…I don't know, there – there was something in her eyes. Dean: Yeah, she's k*lling people! Sam: But if she has no control over it— Dean: Exactly. She can't control it. Even if she's telling the truth, it's not gonna change anything. Sam: I'm not putting a b*llet through some girl's chest who has no idea what's happening. Dean: Sam, she's a monster, and you're feeling sorry for her? Sam: Maybe I understand her. [pause]Look, there might be another way we can get the job done without having to waste her. Dean: Are you thinking what I think you're thinking? Sam: [flipping through the journal]Dad's theory –- "lycanthropy might have a cure if you k*ll the werewolf who bit you, severing the bloodline". Dean: Might have a cure. Meaning "who the hell knows?" Sam: It's worth a sh*t. Dean: We don't even know where to start looking, all right? I mean, the puppy that bit her could be anyone, anywhere. It could've been years ago. Sam: [realizing something]No. I don't think so. [He leads Dean back to the living room, where MADISON is still seated.] Sam: Madison, when were you mugged? Please. It's important, all right? Just answer the question. MADISON: About a month ago. Sam: Did you see the guy? MADISON: No. He grabbed me from behind. Sam: Did he bite you? MADISON: [after a pause]How did you know that? Sam: Where? MADISON: On the back of my neck. [He sets his g*n down and brushes her hair away, exposing a scarred lump the size of a golf ball on her neck.] Dean: Oh, that's just a love bite. Believe me, that could have been a lot worse. Where were you at the time? MADISON: Walking home from a friend's loft. Sam: Let me guess. Not too far from Hunter's Point? [She nods. Sam takes Dean back into the other room, closing the door.] Sam: The Same place where those other m*rder happened. I'm telling you, it's a werewolf's hunting grounds. Dean: Maybe, but that doesn't mean it's gonna be out there tonight. Sam: It's the right time of the lunar cycle. Look, I know it's a long sh*t. Dean: Hey, you're forgetting something. Maddie's probably gonna turn soon, all right? We can't just let her take off to an all-you-can-eat buffet. Sam: I'll stay with her. Dean: And if she busts loose? [No response]Sam? Sam: I'll do it. Dean: Sam. Sam: I'll sh**t her, all right? But Dean, I need you to go out there. At least go look for the thing. Dean, please. We can save this girl. Dean: [after a pause]Fine. [He leaves the apartment. Sam rejoins MADISON, who is still crying.] MADISON: Please. Just let me go. [Sam looks at her sympathetically and sits in front of her.] Sam: Look…I know you're scared. I also know that there's no way in hell you're gonna believe me. But I'm doing this because I'm trying to help you. I'm not gonna lie, all right, the odds aren't exactly in our favor. But if this goes the way I pray it does…I'll untie you, and I'll walk out that door and I'll never come back. You'll live the rest of your life. And I'll just be a bad memory. [CUT TO: HUNTER's POINT. NIGHT. A woman, clearly a hooker, is walking the dark street alone. She stops when she hears an animal howling.] [CUT TO: MADISON's APARTMENT. Sam is watching the full moon while MADISON sits in the chair. Suddenly, her fingernails grow, stretching into claws. Her eyes turn bright blue and she bares her fangs. Sam turns just as she breaks loose from the chair. She knocks him to the ground, but he quickly gets up, aiming his g*n.] [CUT TO: HUNTER's POINT. The hooker is running down the street when suddenly, she comes face-to-face with the animal. The audience watches from the animal's perspective as it chases her down the street.] [CUT TO: MADISON's APARTMENT. Sam keeps his g*n aimed at MADISON. Just as she lunges at him, he moves out of the way, forcing her into her bedroom. He moves the entertainment center in front of the door, trapping her inside.] [CUT TO: HUNTER's POINT. The werewolf catches up with the hooker, dragging her across the pavement.] Dean: Hey! [The werewolf looks up just as Dean sh**t him. It is revealed that the werewolf is Madison's neighbor, GLEN. The woman stands up, frightened, and glances at Dean before running away.] Dean: Hey, don't mention it! [He crouches next to GLEN, who is coughing and choking. His mouth is covered in blood. After a moment, his fangs retract, and he returns to normal.] GLEN: What happened? Where am I? Help – help me. Oh, God. Oh my God. Dean: All right, easy, Glen. Just take it easy. [He watches as GLEN dies, his eyes glazing over.] [CUT TO: MADISON's APARTMENT. MORNING. She wakes up as Sam opens the bedroom door.] Sam: It should be over now. You'll never see me again. [Standing, MADISON surveys the bedroom. Furniture is overturned, and there are claw marks covering every inch of the walls. When she turns around, Sam is gone.] [CUT TO: INT. Impala. The boys are parked outside MADISON's building.] Dean: It was sort of sad, actually. Glen had no clue what was going on. Hey, why do you think he turned Madison instead of just k*lling her in the first place? Sam: I don't know. I mean, he kind of seemed to have a thing for her. Dean: Maybe his primal instinct did, too. Maybe he was looking for a little, uh, hot breeding action. Sam: Yeah. Something like that. Dean: So? Sam: So what? Dean: Speaking of Madison… Sam: Oh, whatever. Dean: Don't "whatever" me, man, you liked her. Maybe, uh— Sam: Dean, she thought I was a stark-raving lunatic. Dean: You saved her life. Sam: Yeah, but she doesn't know that. [MADISON appears at the window.] MADISON: You know, for a stake-out, your car's a bit conspicuous. What are you still doing here? Dean: Honestly? Uh, we're pretty sure you're not gonna turn tonight, but we've gotta be a hundred percent, so…you know, we're lurking. Sam: I know this sounds crazy. MADISON: Sure does. Well, if we're gonna wait it out…we might as well do it together. [CUT TO: MADISON's APARTMENT. She lets the two boys inside.] MADISON: You were telling the truth, weren't you? About everything. What you did –- it was to help me. Sam: Yeah. MADISON: I did all of those horrible things…when I turned. Sam: You didn't know. MADISON: [after a pause]So, when will we know for sure? Moonrise? Sam: No, I don't think so. You turned middle of the night last night. I think we've gotta hang in until sun-up. Dean: Well, it looks like we've got ourselves a few hours to k*ll. Poker, anyone? [Later, the three of them watch as the sun sinks and the moon rises. Dean lays his g*n on the table. Sam and MADISON watch him from the couch.] Dean: Oh, no, you guys talk. [A few hours later, they watch from the window as the sun comes up.] MADISON: Does…does this mean it worked? Sam: [relieved]Yeah. I think so. MADISON: Oh, God, thank you. Thank you so much. [She gives Sam a hug. Dean clears his throat, and they pull away.]You, too, Dean. Thank you. Dean: Aw, don't mention it. [awkward pause]So, I'm just gonna head back to the hotel and…watch some Pay-Per-View or something. [He leaves the apartment, pumping his fist in the air as he leaves.] MADISON: That was smooth. Sam: He means well, but… MADISON: You mean, he thinks you're gonna get laid. Sam: Look, I— MADISON: It's okay. Sam: No. I know I scared the crap out of you, all right? I mean, I tied you to a chair. MADISON: That's right up there with me scratching up your face. Sam: There's just no way we could go back, you know? Before it happened. MADISON: You're right. There's just no way. [Sam shakes his head. Then, after a moment, MADISON gives in and kisses him. Sam immediately responds, pushing her against the wall. They strip each other of their clothing and make their way to the bedroom, falling back onto the bed. Throughout the night, they continue to make passionate love, letting go of all they had been holding back. Hours later, they fall asleep in each other's arms, completely content.] [The next morning, Sam wakes up and looks around. He hears a growl and turns to see MADISON, who has returned to her werewolf form, eyes blue and fangs bared. Before Sam can catch her, she jumps out the window, leaving him stunned.] [CUT TO: MOTEL. Sam runs down the hall to Dean's room, pounding on the door. Dean answers.] Sam: [breathless]She turned. Dean: What? Sam: I couldn't grab her in time. Dean: We'll find her, Sammy. [CUT TO: EXT. MOTEL BUILDING.] Sam: I already called Bobby. He doesn't know anything. Except he knew severing the bloodline wouldn't work. That's everyone. They all say it's impossible to reverse it. Dean: How come she didn't turn when we were with her? Sam: Dean— Dean: So, what, you put her to bed and then she wolfed out? Maybe she's gotta be asleep to turn. Sam: What the hell does it matter, Dean? Look, we've gotta find some way to help her, some legend we missed or something. Dean: If there was, don't you think someone we know would've known it? Sam: Well, then we have to look harder until we find something. Dean: Sammy, I don't think we've got a choice here anymore. Sam: What? Dean: I hate to say it. She's a sweet girl, but part of her is— Sam: Evil? Dean: Yeah. Sam: Yeah, that's what they say about me, Dean. So, me you won't k*ll, but her you're just gonna blow away? [His phone rings. He answers.] MADISON: Sam? Sam: Madison, where are you? MADISON: [from a phone booth]I don't – I don't – I don't know where I am. Sam: Well, do you see any street signs? MADISON: Um…yeah, yeah, Middle Point. Sam: All right, hold on, Maddie. We're coming to get you, just stay where you are. [CUT TO: MADISON's APARTMENT. The three of them are in the living room. The g*n is sitting on the table.] MADISON: I don't remember anything. I probably k*lled someone last night, didn't I? Dean: There's no way to know yet. MADISON: Is there something else we can try to make it go away? Sam: We'll find something. I mean, there's gotta be some answer, somewhere. Dean: That's not entirely true. Madison, you deserve to know. We've scoured every source. There's just no cure. MADISON: [to Sam]Is – is he right? [Getting emotional, Sam stands and turns away.] Dean: Well, we could lock you up at night, but…when you bust out, and some night you will, someone else dies. I'm sorry. I am. MADISON: [crying]So, I guess that's all there is to it, then. Sam: Stop it. Don't talk like that. MADISON: Sam, I don't wanna hurt anyone else. I don't wanna hurt you. [She grabs the g*n and brings it to him.] Sam: Put that down. MADISON: I can't do it myself. I need you to help me. Sam: Madison, no. MADISON: Sam…I'm a monster. Sam: You don't have to be. We can find a way, all right? I can. I'm gonna save you. MADISON: [crying harder]You tried. I know you tried. But this is all there is left. Help me, Sam. I want you to do it. I want it to be you. Sam: I can't. MADISON: I don't wanna die. I don't. But I can't live like this. This is the way you can save me. Please. I'm asking you to save me. [Sam shakes his head. Dean walks over to them and carefully takes the g*n from MADISON. He follows Sam into another room.] Dean: Sam. I'm sorry. Sam: [with tears in his eyes]No, you're right. She's right. Dean: Sammy, I got this one. I'll do it. Sam: She asked me to. Dean: You don't have to. Sam: Yes, I do. Please. [He holds his hand out for the g*n, tears streaming down his face. Dean hands it to him.]Just wait here. [He glances back at Dean, shaking, before heading back to the living room. Dean, now alone, lets a tear roll down his cheek. He flinches as he hears a single g*n from the next room.] END OF EPISODE by Fuzzball457

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x17 - Heart"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 3 May 2007 INT. Impala. Dean: Yeah? INT. MOTEL ROOM Sam: There's a cop car outside. Dean V.O. You think it's for us? Sam: I don't know. INT Impala Dean: I don't see how. I mean we ditched the plates, the credit cards. INT Sam AND Dean's MOTEL ROOM We see the cop car drive away. Sam: (breathes out) They're leaving. False alarm. Dean You see. Nothing to worry about. Sam: Yeah, being fugitives? Freaking dance party. INT Impala Dean: Hey man, chicks dig the danger vibe. INT Sam AND Dean's MOTEL ROOM We see the books Sam is standing in front of. They're all about a specific demon called Djinn, and on top of them is John's journal, open on the Same subject. Sam: So, you got anything yet? INT Impala Dean: Are you kidding me? How could I? You got me sifting through like 50 square miles of real estate here. INT MOTEL ROOM Sam: Well, that's where all the victims disappeared. INT Impala Dean: Yeah well, I get at least squat. What about you? INT MOTEL ROOM Sam: Just one thing. I'm pretty sure of it now. (pulls one book closer) We're hunting a Djinn. INT Impala Dean: A freaking genie? Sam: Yeah. Dean: What? You think these suckers can really grant wishes? INT MOTEL ROOM Sam: I don't know. I guess they're powerful enough. But not exactly like Barbara Eden and the harem pants. I mean, Djinn have been feeding off people for centuries. They're all over the Koran. INT Impala Dean: My God. Barbara Eden was hot, wasn't she? Way hotter than that Bewitched chick. INT MOTEL ROOM Sam: Are you even listening to me? INT Impala Dean: Yeah. So uh, what do the Djinns lair at? INT MOTEL ROOM Sam: Ruins usually. Uh. Bigger the better, more places to hide. INT Impala Dean: Yeah, I think I saw a place couple miles back. I'm gonna go check it out. INT Sam AND Dean's MOTEL ROOM Sam: No, no, no, no. Come pick me up first. INT Impala Dean: No. I'm sure it's nothing. I just wanna take a look around. He hangs up the phone. INT MOTEL ROOM Sam lowers his hand with the phone in it and sighs. EXT FACTORY We see the Impala pull up and almost come to a stop. INT FACTORY We see that it's empty. Dean looks back and forth in it a few times, and then starts walking back the Same direction he came from but this time in the hall. On his right among all the old things and such we see how he passes the figure, which can now be concluded is a DJINN. Dean doesn't see it and walks on. Suddenly it att*cks him, pinning him against the window wall. He drops the flashlight and the DJINN hold his other hand that contains the Kn*fe up against the wall, slams it a few times and Dean drops the Kn*fe. The DJINN opens its left hand and it begins to glow in blue, his eyes do the Same. It puts its glowing hand on Dean's forehead and Dean's eyes rolls up as they become washed-out blue. END Teaser INT BEDROOM - NIGHT A TV showing an old black and white movie. Dean wakes up and sees a woman lying next to him. INT APARTMENT - NIGHT Sam: Dean? Dean: Sam? Sam: What's going on? Dean: I don't know. I don't know where I am. Sam: What? What happened? Dean: The uh, the Djinn. It att*cked me. Sam: The gin? You're... drinking gin? Dean: No, asshat. The Djinn. The uh, scary creature. Remember? It put its hand on me and I woke up next to some hot chick... Sam: Who? Carmen? Dean: Who? Sam: Dean, you're drunk. You're drunk-dialing me. Dean: I'm not drunk. Quit screwing around! Sam: Look, it's late. Alright, just get some sleep and I'll... see you tomorrow. OK? Dean: Wait, Sam! Sam! INT LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Dean picks up an envelope addressed to: CARMEN PORTER 53 BARKER AVE LAWRENCE, KS 66044 Dean: Lawrence? The next two envelopes are addressed to Dean, Same address as Carmen's. Dean What the hell? CARMEN Honey? What are you doing up? Dean: Hey. Carmen. Carmen, uh, I just uh... CARMEN Aw, you can't sleep, huh? Dean: Yeah. CARMEN Well, why don't you come back to bed and let's see if I can do anything to help. Dean: Sure. Yeah. In a minute. You - you go ahead. CARMEN (smiling) OK. Don't stay up too long. Dean: No. Dean picks up a photo. He looks shocked, and drops it. EXT THE Winchester HOUSE - NIGHT Dean drives up in the Impala across the street. He shuts off the engine and goes over and we see that it's the old Winchester house from his childhood. CUT TO: Dean banging on the door. He rings the bell two times as well. The porch light turns on and the door opens. Mary Dean. Dean just stares at her a few seconds, not believing his eyes. His voice is broken when he talks to her, on the verge of crying. Dean: Mom? Mary What are you doing here? Are you alright? Dean: I don't know. Mary Well... come inside. INT Winchester HOUSE - NIGHT Dean comes in and Mary closes the door. He can't take his eyes of her. Mary (cont'd) Carmen just called and said you just took off all of a sudden. Dean: Carmen? Right... Let me ask you a question. When I was a kid, what did you always tell me when you put me to bed? Mary Dean, I don't understand - Dean: (hard) Just answer the question. Mary I told you angels are watching over you. Dean: I don't believe it. He walks over and hugs her real tight. Mary Honey, you're scaring me. (Dean backs off) Now just tell me what's going on. Dean: You don't think that wishes can, can really... Mary What? Dean: Forget it. (He hugs her again) I get it. I'm just uh... I'm happy to see you, that's all. He almost starts crying but pulls it together and releases the hug, looking down on Mary. Dean (cont'd) You're beautiful. (laughs a little) Mary (smiling) What? Dean: Hey, when I was uh... When I was young was there ever a f*re here? (walking towards the wall, looking at the books and pictures) Mary No. Never. Dean: I thought there was. We see a picture of John and Mary smiling with Dean and Sam as little kids in front of them. Dean (cont'd) I guess I was wrong. We see another picture of Dean in a cap, looking cool into the camera. Another picture of Dean and his prom date, clearly taken at prom. Another of Sam as a graduate. Dean picks up another picture. It's in black and white and shows John, dressed in baseball clothes with a cap and a baseball bat in his hand, ready to swing, smiling at the camera. Dean: (to himself) Dad's on a softball team. (he turns around, Mary looking at his serious) Dad's... Dad's softball team. It's... That's funny to me. Mary He loved that stupid team. Dean: Dad's d*ad? And the thing that k*lled him was a... Mary A stroke. He died in his sleep, you know that. Dean: That's great. Mary Excuse me? Dean: That - that's great. That he went peacefully, I mean. That... that sure beats the alternative. Mary You've been drinking. Dean: No, I haven't. Mom. Mary Just gonna call Carmen and have her come pick you up, OK? Dean: Wait. No, no! He puts his hand over Mary's which is over the phone about to pick it up. Dean (cont'd) Don't - don't do that. Don't do that. I wanna stay here. Mary Why? Dean: Because I-I miss the place. It's OK, you - you go to bed. OK? He goes over to the couch, sits down and looks around a bit. Mary walks up to him, strokes his face. Mary Are you sure you're alright? Dean: I think so. Mary OK. She bends down and kisses his forehead, like all mothers do. She starts out the room, stops by the door. Mary (cont'd) Get some rest. I love you. Dean: Me too. She smiles and then goes to bed. Dean stays on the couch, looking perplexed. We see a picture of Sam as a graduate with Mary and John smiling proudly next to him. INT Winchester HOUSE - DAY Dean wakes up on the couch to the sound of birds singing outside. When his eyes focus we see it's on a picture of the whole family, the boys as kids and John is wearing a Santa hat, looking very happy. Dean opens his eyes completely, sitting up, confused. He dials his phone. Sam's MACHINE V.O Hey, it's me. I can't come to the pho- Dean hangs up. INT PROFESSOR's OFFICE PROFESSOR But I don't think I've seen you in my class before. Dean: You kiddin' me? I love your lectures. You... You make learning fun. They laugh. PROFESSOR So, what can I do for you? Dean: What can you tell me about Djinns? CUT TO: Dean and the PROFESSOR standing over a bunch of books. PROFESSOR A lot of Muslims believed the Djinn are very real. They're mentioned in the Koran. Dean: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Get to the wish part. PROFESSOR What about it? Dean: Do you think they could really do it? PROFESSOR Um... Uh, no. No, I don't think they can really do it. You understand these are mythic creatures? Dean: Yeah, I know. I-I-I know. I know. But uh... I mean in the stories. You know. Say you had a wish uh. But you never even said it out loud. You know, like that ah... that a loved one never died. Or that ah, something awful never happened. PROFESSOR Supposedly, yes. I mean they have Godlike power. They can alter reality however they want. Past. Present. Future. Dean: Why would the Djinn do it? It was self-defense? Or maybe it's not really evil. PROFESSOR Son? Dean: Hm? PROFESSOR You been drinking? Dean: Everybody keeps asking me that. But uh... No. EXT THE CAMPUS Dean opens the trunk to the Impala and we see only old magazines and paper cups and a rag in there, no g*n or what have you. Dean: (laughs) Who'd a thought, baby. We're civilians. He closes the trunk, and looks over at the building. We see a girl standing in a white shirt, skirt and shoes, staring at him. Dean looks at her for a little while and then starts to cross the street, walking towards her. Suddenly a car screeches to a halt as it avoids running into Dean. The driver hits the horn and Dean holds out his hand as he looks at the car. When he turns back towards the girl to start walking to her again, she's gone. INT Winchester HOUSE Dean takes a bite out of a big sandwich, grunting 'cause of the goodness. Dean: (calling out, mouth full) This is the best sandwich, ever! Mary Thank you. Dean: (still calling) I tried to get hold of Sam earlier. Where - where - where is he? Mary Oh. He'll be here soon. Dean: Good. Dying to see him. Mary Sweetie, I... Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled you are... hanging out here... all of a sudden. (she quickly strokes Dean's chin) But uh... shouldn't you be at work? Dean: Work? Mary At the garage. Dean: Right. The garage. It's where I work, yeah. No, I-I've got the day off. (snickers) Good thing. He takes another bite, again with the grunting of goodness. He looks to the window. CUT TO: Dean looking out the window. Dean: That lawn looks like it could use some mowing. Mary You wanna mow the lawn? Dean: You kidding? I'd love to mow the law. Mary Knock yourself out. Could think you never mowed a lawn in your life. Dean looks all kinds of happy about this. EXT Winchester HOUSE Dean starts the lawnmower. He starts to mow the lawn, looking really happy, enjoying it. He sees the neighbor across the street putting out the garbage. He waves to him like a regular guy does in this regular world. He waves back and then Dean continues the mowing. CUT TO: Dean sitting on the steps to the front porch, drinking a beer, feeling happy about his work on the lawn. A car drives up outside the yard. Dean: I don't believe it He gets up to go greet Sam and JessICA who are getting out of the car. Dean att*cks JessICA with a hug while Sam takes out the luggage from the trunk. Dean: Jessica. JessICA You're, uh... Good to see you too, Dean. (Dean laughs) Can't breathe. (he lets go) Dean: Sammy. Sam: Hey. Dean: (smiling big) Look at you. You're with Jessica, it's - I don't believe it. (laughs) Sam: Yeah. Dean: Where'd you guys come from? Sam: We just flew in from... Califor– Dean: California! Stanford. Huh? Law school, I bet. Sam: (motioning to the beer in Dean's hand) I see you started off Mom's birthday with a bang as usual Dean: Wait. Mom's birthday, that's today? Sam: Yeah. Yeah, Dean. That's today. That's why we're here. Don't tell me you forgot. Dean: Wha... INT RESTAURANT They're all sitting at a round table. Dean gets served a plate. Dean: Wow, that... looks awesome. Sam: Alright. To Mom. (raises glass) Happy birthday. JessICA Happy birthday. Mary Thank you. They all clink their glasses in a cheer. Dean: To mom. As Dean watches, Sam and JessICA kiss. He smiles. CARMEN (to Dean) I was really worried about you last night. Dean: Oh I'm... I'm good. I'm really good. CARMEN OK. What do you say, later we get you a cheeseburger? Dean: Oh God, yes. (she smiles) How did I end up with such a cool chick? CARMEN Just got low standards. He laughs and kisses her. Sam: Alright. Jess and I actually have another surprise for mom's birthday. Ah... You wanna tell 'em? JessICA They're your family. Sam: Alright. Mary (smiling) What? Tell me what? Sam hold up JessICA's left hand and we see an engagement ring on her finger. Mary laughs happily. Mary (happy) Oh my God! That's so wonderful. She gets up and hugs JessICA, who's also gotten up. We see Sam and CARMEN getting up as well, while Dean still sits. CARMEN (to JessICA) Congratulations. JessICA Thank you. CARMEN Congratulations. Sam: Thank you. Mary walks over and hugs Sam. Mary I just wish your dad was here. Sam: Yeah. Me too. Mary Jessica, let me see that ring. Dean: Congratulations Sammy. Sam: Thanks. Dean: I'm really glad you're happy. We see over Sam's shoulder, the girl who Dean saw on campus earlier, when he was almost h*t by a car. She looks much filthier this time. Dean sees her, brushes past Sam and walks over. Sam turns around when Dean hits his shoulder while passing by. Dean passes a lot of people and when he passes the last one, the girl is gone. Dean turns around and looks at his family, as they stand looking at him, wondering what's up. INT Winchester HOUSE We hear the door open as the start with the camera on a picture of John holding a very very big fish in his hands, looking happy. The women laugh as they enter. Sam: So, Dean, what was uh... what was all that back at the restaurant? Dean: Ah... I-I thought I saw someone. Sure it's nothing. Mary Well, I had a lovely birthday. Thank you. Good night. JessICA and CARMEN Good night. Dean: Good night. Sam: Night, Mom. (to the others) Yeah, well I'm b*at. (to JessICA) Ready to turn in? JessICA Sure. Sam: Alright. Good night guys. Dean: Wait a second. Wait a second. Come on, it's not even nine o'clock yet. Let's uh... Let's go have a drink or something. Sam: Yeah, maybe another time. Dean: Come on, man. Look at us. Huh? We both have beautiful women on our arms. You're engaged. Let's go celebrate. Sam: (to JessICA and CARMEN) Guys, can you excuse us? I just want to talk to my brother for a sec. JessICA Sure. Sam: Thanks. JessICA Come on, Carmen. The girls leave the room and Sam turns to Dean. Sam: Come here. (he walks to the other side of the living room) Dean: What? (follows) Sam: OK. What's gotten into you? Dean: What do you mean? Sam: I mean this whole warm, fuzzy ecstasy trip thing. Dean: I'm just happy for you, Sammy. Sam: Yeah, right. That's another thing. Since when do you call me Sammy? (b*at) Dean, come on. We don't talk outside of holidays. Dean: We don't? Well, we should. I mean, you're my brother. Sam: "You're my brother"? Dean: (laughing) Yeah. Sam: You know, that's what you said when you snaked my ATM card, or when you bailed on my graduation, or when you hooked up with Rachel Nave. Dean: Who? Sam: Uh, my prom date. On prom night. Dean: Yeah, that does kinda sound like me. Whoa, hey man, I'm sorry about all that. (walks towards Sam) Sam: (backs away) No that, look, that's alright man, I-I just... You know I'm not asking you to change. I-I just I... I don't know, I... guess we just don't really have anything in common. You know? Sam starts to walk away. Dean: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes we do. Yes we do. (laughs) Sam: What? Dean: Hunting. Sam: Hunting? I've never been hunting in my life, Dean. Dean: Yeah, well. We should go at it sometime. I... I think you'd be great at it. Sam starts to walk away again. Sam: (turns around) Get some rest. He walks away and leaves Dean in the living room. INT Dean's LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Dean is sitting on the sofa, thinking, furrowed brow. CARMEN offers him a beer. Dean: My favorite. I guess you know me pretty well. CARMEN 'Fraid so. You alright? Dean: Sammy and I... You know we don't get along. CARMEN Well, you don't spend a lot of time together. I mean, I just think you don't know each other all that well. Dean: Hm. CARMEN For the record: He doesn't know what he's missing. Dean: I can fix things with Sam. I can make it up to him. To everyone. CARMEN Ok. What's gotten into you lately? Dean: This isn't gonna make a lick of sense to you. But I kind of feel like I've been given a second chance. And I don't wanna waste it. CARMEN You're right, that doesn't make any sense. Dean leans in and kisses her. Dean: You know, I get it. CARMEN Get what? Dean: Why you're the one. CARMEN Well. (he kisses her again) Whatever's gotten into you... I like it. (they begin to kiss) Ohhh... come on. Don't do this to me now. I've gotta get ready for work. (gets off the couch, leaving Dean sitting with his hands as if she was still between them) Dean: Go to work now? CARMEN Yeah, I told you. I've got the night shifts on Thursday. Dean: (getting up) You work nights at the, uh... INT Dean's BEDROOM CARMEN is standing by the closet, taking out scrubs. Dean stands in the doorway. Dean (cont'd) …hospital. (to himself) I'm dating a nurse. That is so... respectable. CARMEN smiles at his words. Dean looks at her... well butt probably, and takes a sip of beer. INT Dean's LIVING ROOM Dean is on the couch, putting his feet on the table, drinking beer and watching TV. Woman: The olive-oil must have a purpose here. Man: Yeah. Woman: Yeah? Man: I'll take the olive oil and we'll just put a, just a touch of olive oil, OK? That's all. Woman: Oh. Man: Can't make any mistakes with this machine. Now, the liquid. I could use water but I'm gonna use a little spinach - Dean changed the channel to the stock market, cartoon and then the news. We see a land plane and hear a reporter: Reporter And today marks the anniversary of the crash of United Britannia Flight 424. This gets Dean's attention and he leans forward as he continues to watch. Reporter (cont'd) Indianapolis residents held a candlelight vigil in memory of the hundred people who lost their lives... Dean: No, no. I stopped that crash. CUT TO: CUT TO: Dean in front of his laptop reading headlines that relate to cases he has solved. INT Dean's BEDROOM EXT GRAVEYARD NIGHT Dean is standing by John's grave. We see during the scene that it is written on it: John E. Winchester 1954-2006 LOVING HUSBAND & Father REMEMBERED FOREVER Dean: All of them. Everyone that you saved, everyone Sammy and I saved. They're all d*ad. And there's this woman that's haunting me. I don't know why. I don't know what the connection is, not yet anyway. It's like my old life is coming after me or something. Like it like it doesn't want me to be happy. Course I know what you'd say. Well, not the you that played softball but... So go hunt the Djinn. He put you here, it can put you back. Your happiness for all those people's lives, no contest. Right? But why? Why is it my job to save these people? Why do I have to be some kind of hero? (begins to cry while talking) What about us, huh? Mom's not supposed to live her life. Sammy's not supposed to get married. Why do we have to sacrifice everything, dad? (pause) It's... (Silence. We hear the sky rumbling. Tears begins to falls on Dean's cheek.) Yeah... He turns around and walks away as the camera goes higher and we see him further and further up from the sky. INT Winchester HOUSE; Sam AND JessICA's ROOM - NIGHT We hear a car outside. A dog barks. Then we hear a noise downstairs. Sam wakes. INT Winchester HOUSE Sam comes down the stairs, quietly, with a bat in his hand. INT LIVING ROOM Sam stops in the doorway, leaning looking into the living room. He sees the window open and under it, someone is in one of the cabinets. Sam goes in, swinging. The person gets up and counterattacks, throwing him on the floor. We see that it's Dean. Dean: (breathes) That's was so easy, I'm embarrassed for you. Sam: Dean? What the hell are you doing here? Dean gets up, letting Sam get up off the floor. They stand in front of the window � much like the first scene between them in the pilot when Dean breaks into Sam's apartment. Dean: I was looking for a beer. Sam: In the china cabinet? Sam goes to turn on the light and we see the box with their parents silverware on the floor, open. Sam: That's mom's silver. Dean: Sam. Sam: What, you... broke into the house... to steal Mom's silver? Dean: It's not what it looks like. OK, I didn't have a choice. Sam: Oh really? Why? What's so damn important you gotta steal from your own mother? Dean: You want the truth? Sam: Yeah, yeah I do. Dean: (shrugs) I owe somebody money. Sam: Who? Dean: A bookie. I lost big on a game, I gotta bring him the cash tonight. Sam: I can't believe we're even related. Dean: Sam, I'm sorry. Sam: (quietly) Yeah. Dean: I'm sorry we don't get along. And I wish to hell I could stay and fix it. But I gotta do this. People's lives depend on it. He turns around and take a Kn*fe from the box. Sam: What are you talking about, Dean? Dean: Nothing. Forget it. Just uh... hey, tell Mom I love her. Sam frowns, seeing that something is up. Dean goes for the door. Sam: Dean. Dean: (turns around) I'll see you, Sammy. He walks out the door, one last look at Sam. Sam stands in the living room where Dean left him, confused. We hear the Impala's engine start. EXT Winchester HOUSE; THE Impala - NIGHT Dean is sitting in the car, engine going, thinking. Suddenly the passenger door opens and Sam gets in the car. Dean: Get out of the car. Sam: I'm going with you. Dean: You're just gonna slow me down. Sam: Tough. Dean: This is dangerous and you could get hurt. Sam: Yeah, and so could you Dean. Dean: Sam! Sam: Look, whatever stupid thing you're about to do, you're not doing it alone. And that's that. Dean: I don't understand. Why you doing this? Sam: (sighs) Because you're still my brother. Dean: Bitch. Sam: What are you calling me a bitch for? Dean: You're supposed to say jerk. Sam: What? Dean: Never mind. He puts the Impala in gear and they drive off. EXT ROAD - NIGHT The Impala comes down the road towards the camera CUT TO: The Impala's license plate, which is now RMD 5H2 - Kansas plates. The camera goes up to Sam and Dean. INT Impala - NIGHT Sam looks down on a bag on the seat between them. Sam: What's in the bag? Dean: Nothin'. Sam: Nothin'? Dean: Yeah, nothin'. Sam: Fine (grabs the bag and begins to open it) Dean: You don't wanna do that. Sam: Oh really? He takes out what was in the bag. It's a container of blood. Sam (cont'd) (looking at the container) What the hell is this? Dean: Blood. Sam: (upset) Yeah, I can see that it's blood, Dean! What the hell is it doing in here? Dean: You don't really wanna know. Sam: No I-I do really wanna know. I really, really, do. Dean: Yeah, well you're gonna find out sooner or later. I needed a silver Kn*fe dipped in lambs blood. Sam: You needed a silver Kn*fe dipped in lambs blood, why? Dean: Because there's this creature. A Djinn. And I have to hunt it. Sam: OK. Um... stop the car. Dean: I know how it sounds. Sam: Great. Just... stop the car. Dean: It's the truth, Sam. Alright, there are things out there in the dark. There – there – there are bad things. There are nightmare things. And people have to be saved and if we don't save them, then nobody will. Sam: Look, I wanna help you, alright. I-I really really do, but you're having some kind of psychotic breakdown so... just – Dean: I wish. Sam picks up his phone and starts dialing a number. Dean rolls down his window, grabs Sam's phone and throws it out and then rolls it up again. Sam: What the hell was that, Dean? That was my phone! Dean: I'm not going to a rubber room, Sammy. And we've got work to do. Sam: What? I was just trying to help you out, Dean. I don't I don't want you to get yourself hurt. Dean: What? You protect me? Sam: Yeah! Dean: (laughs) That's hilarious. Why don't you just sit tight and try not to get us both k*lled. Dean starts the radio and music blares out. EXT OLD FACTORY BUILDINGS The Same sh*t of the Impala driving up between the building shows, as we saw in the teaser. The car stops while we still hear the music blaring. INT Impala Dean looks over at Sam who is asleep. He picks up his flashlight and shines it on Sam's face. Sam wakes with a start. Sam: Where are we? Dean: Well, we're not in Kansas anymore. (he smiles at Sam. When there's no reaction the smile dies) Illinois. Sam: And you think something's in there? Dean: I know it is. INT OLD FACTORY BUILDING We're back in the room with the glass wall to our right. Dean and Sam comes walking in, flashlight in hand. Sam: See? There's nothing here, Dean. INT HALLWAY Dean starts walking down the hallway, Same way as last time when he got att*cked. Sam closely follows behind. Sam: Look, Carmen's gotta be worried sick about you, Dean. Come on, let- Let's just go. Dean: Shh! We hear sounds and Sam finally starts to take it serious. Sam: What the hell is that? Dean: Stay behind me and keep your mouth shut. INT BIG ROOM Dean and Sam approaches and while the camera moves backwards we see bodies hanging from the ceiling appearing before them. It's the Same bodies Dean saw in his closet earlier. FLASH TO THE CLOSET INT BIG ROOM We see a drained blood bag hanging next to one of the bodies. Sam: What the hell? Dean looks further to the right, and we see the woman Dean has been seeing all through the episode, hanging like the bodies. They approach her and we see another blood bag next to her, filled with blood. Her eyes are open and she looks pretty d*ad. We flash a few times to her in front of the campus building earlier. Dean: It's her. Sam looks at the bag and at her writs that are tied, just like the others. She begins to make sounds. Sam: Dean, what's going on? Dean: (grabs him) Shh! We see what Dean saw: the Djinn is coming out. When it comes out from behind a wall and walks up behind the woman, the guys are gone. Woman: (sobbing) Where's my dad? I wonder how... (looking at the Djinn) Don't. (she moves her feet away from the Djinn while we see that Dean and Sam has hidden. She's crying) Where's my dad. The DJINN touches her face. DJINN Sleep. We see some blue flares go over her cheek as he strokes her. His eyes glow bright blue. DJINN (cont'd) Sleep. Her head falls forward, eyes still open and her feet relaxes, falling forward again. The DJINN rests his face against her arms, touching her right arm and breathing heavily, eyes closed. He then goes for the blood bag, pulls out one straw and puts it to his mouth, drinking her blood. Sam sees this and coughs in disgust. The DJINN turns around right away, eyes flash blue and he begins to move towards their hiding place. When he gets there, the guys are gone. CUT TO: The DJINN walks up some creaky steps and we see Sam and Dean standing below them, looking up, following his steps. When a door closes in the background Sam begins to breath loudly. Sam: This is real? You're not crazy? Dean: She didn't know where she was. She thought she was with her father. CUT TO: Dean and Sam walk up to the woman again. Dean: What if that's what the Djinn does? It doesn't grant you a wish, it just makes you think it has. Sam: Look man. That thing could come back, alright? Dean walks past Sam in the opposite direction of the woman. He looks up at a light bulb and it starts to flicker in brighter light. We begin to get flashes of Dean, hanging like the woman. Dean gets a little trouble breathing, probably shock for starting to realize what's going on. Sam: Dean, please. Dean: (breathing heavily) What if I'm like her? What if I'm tied up here someplace? What if all this is in my head? (he walks up to the woman) I mean it could, you know, maybe it gives us some kind of supernatural acid, and then just feeds on us slow. Sam: No. Dean, that doesn't make sense. OK? Dean: What if that's why she keeps appearing to me? She's not a spirit. It's - it's like more and more like I'm catching flashes of reality. You know, like I'm in here somewhere. I'm - I'm catatonic, and I'm taking all this stuff in but I, but I can't snap out of it. Sam: Yeah, OK, look. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. I was wrong. You're not crazy but we – we – we need to get out of here. Fast. He starts to pull Dean with him. Dean pulls his arm loose from Sam. Sam looks at him and throws his arms out like �what?�. Dean: I don't think you're real. Sam: (agitated, sucks in a breath) Dude, you feel that? (he's grabbing Dean by the arms) You feel this? I'm real. This is not an acid trip. I'm real, and that thing is gonna come down here and k*ll us for real. No please. Dean: There's one way to be sure. (he pulls out the silver Kn*fe) Sam: (backing off) Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? Dean: It's an old wives' tale. If you're about to die in a dream, you wake up. Sam: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's crazy. Alright? Dean: (with a determined look) Maybe. Sam: (start walking towards Dean) You're gonna k*ll yourself- (Dean holds out the Kn*fe and his other hand to stop him) OK. Dean: Or I'm gonna wake up. One or the other. Sam: OK. This isn't a dream, alright. I'm here, with you, now. And you're about to k*ll yourself, Dean. Dean: No, I'm pretty sure. Like, 90% sure. But I'm sure enough. He turns the Kn*fe on himself, takes both his hands to the handle, ready to thrust it into himself. Sam: WAIT! Suddenly Mary walks up next to Dean, in the Same nightgown as she died in. Behind Sam, CARMEN appears. Sam: Why'd you have to keep digging? Dean looks back at Mary. We see JessICA appearing on his right side. Sam (cont'd) Why couldn't you have left well enough alone? (Dean looks around) You were happy. Mary comes up in front of Dean. Mary Put the Kn*fe down, honey. Dean: You're not real. (tears in his eyes) None of it is. Mary It doesn't matter. It's still better than anything you had. Dean: What? Mary It's everything you want. We're a family again. Let's go home. Dean: (shaking his head) I'll die. (voice breaking) The Djinn'll... drain the life out of me in a couple of days. Mary But in here, with us. It'll feel like years. Like a lifetime. (Dean looks over at Sam who half-smiles and nods to him) I promise. (She takes his chin in her hand, he looks down on her) No more pain. (strokes his cheek) Or fear. Just love and comfort. And safety. Dean, stay with us. (strokes his other cheek and he leans into her hand, closing his eyes) Get some rest. JessICA You don't have to worry about Sam anymore. (Dean looks over at her) You get to watch him live a full life. Mary steps away, and CARMEN walks up to him, taking his face in her hands, kissing him. CARMEN We can have a future together. Have our own family. I love you, Dean. Please. Sam walks up to him Sam: "Why is it our job to save everyone? Haven't we done enough?" I'm begging you. (breathes in) Give me the Kn*fe. Dean looks at CARMEN, Sam and Mary with tears in his eyes. Then he backs away looking at the floor. He raises his head, looking at Sam. Dean: (whisper) I'm sorry. He thrusts the Kn*fe into himself, blood immediately comes out of his mouth. Sam: Dean! Dean! Dean. Sam walks up to Dean and we see now that the Sam saying "Dean" is the real Sam. Dean is hanging from the ceiling like the other woman, eyes open. A blood bag hangs next to him. Sam: Oh God. Come on. (shaking him) Hey. Wake up. Wake up, damn it! Dean grunts a little. His eyes begin to focus on Sam. Sam: Hey. Hey. Dean: Ahh... Auntie Em. There's no place like home. Sam: Thank God. Thought I lost you for a second. (he pulls out the tube in Dean's throat) Dean: You almost did. Sam: Oh god. (breathing heavily) Let's get you down. Sam reaches up and starts to cut through the rope as Dean winces over the pain and grunts a little. We see two bright blue eyes next to Sam in the shadows, and the DJINN comes out. Dean: (seeing the DJINN) Sam! Sam turns around, going to the DJINN with the Kn*fe. The DJINN has Sam for a moment, gets him to drop the Kn*fe. Dean tries to pull himself loose where Sam had started cutting through the rope before. The DJINN gets the upper hand on Sam and has him by the throat and moves his hand to his forehead, but Sam has a hold of his wrist, trying to stop him. The DJINN opens his fist and blue light begins to appear around his hand, like it did when it got Dean. When its hand is almost at Sam's forehead Dean thrusts the Kn*fe into the back of the DJINN, turns it and we see the blue light go out of its eyes. It closes its eyes, its head rolls down and when Dean pulls out the Kn*fe, it falls to the ground d*ad. Sam breathes heavily from being strangled and Dean doesn't look too good. CUT TO: Dean walks up to the girl. We see a tear roll down one cheek. He puts his hand to her neck, feeling for a pulse. Dean: She's still alive. (handing the Kn*fe over to Sam) Sam... Dean pulls out the tube in her neck as Sam cuts her rope. Dean catches her as she goes down. Dean: (Sam watches) I gotcha. I gotcha. We're gonna get you out of here, OK? I gotcha. (She makes small wheezing sounds) I got you. INT Sam AND Dean's MOTEL ROOM Dean is on the bed. Sam: (on the phone) OK, uh, thank you so much for the update. OK, bye. (he hangs up) That was the hospital. Girl's been s*ab. Good chance she's gonna pull through. Dean: That's good. Sam: Yeah. How 'bout you? You alright? Dean: (clears throat) Yeah, I'm alright. (pause) Should have seen it, Sam. Our lives. You were such a wozzie. Sam: (smiles) So we didn't get along then, huh? Dean: No. Sam: Yeah... I thought it was supposed to, to be this perfect fantasy. Dean: It wasn't. Was just a wish. I wished for mom to live. That mom never died, we never went hunting and you and me just never uh... You know. Sam: Yeah. Well, I'm glad we do. And I'm glad you dug yourself out, Dean. Most people wouldn't have the strength, would have just stayed. Dean: Yeah... Lucky me. I gotta tell you though, man. You know, you had Jess. Mom was gonna have grandkids... Sam: Yeah, but... Dean... wasn't real. Dean: I know. But I wanted to stay. I wanted to stay so bad. I mean, ever since Dad... all I can think about is how much this job's cost us. We've lost so much. We've... sacrificed so much. Sam: But people are alive because of you. It's worth it, Dean. It is. It's not fair, and... you know, it hurts like hell, but... it's worth it.

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x20 - What Is and What Should Never Be"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 10 May 2007 Dean: Hey, don't forget the extra onions this time, huh? Sam: Dude, I'm the one whose gonna have to ride in the car with your extra onions. [Dean grins and Sam gets out of the car, sighing.] Dean: Hey, see if they've got any pie. [Glaring, Sam shuts the door.]Bring me some pie! I love me some pie. [Dean watches Sam go into the café and talk to the waiter. Suddenly, Dean's car radio becomes staticky. Dean glances down and fiddles with it, but it turns off completely. When Dean looks back up, the inside of the café is empty. No waiter, no Sam.] [Dean runs into the café. One customer at a booth is d*ad, face down in a puddle of blood.] Dean: Sam? [He takes out his g*n and looks around. He finds that the employees are also d*ad, with their throats slit. Dean opens the back door and looks around outside.] Dean: Sam?! [Dean then notices a white substance on the door.] Dean: Sulfur. [Dean races back out the front door, heading back to the car.] Dean: Sam! Sammy! [No response]Sam? Sammy! [No response]Sam! [CUT TO: UNKNOWN LOCATION. Sam wakes up in the middle of nowhere. He is lying on the ground, and a few abandoned buildings are lining the street. He stands and takes out his phone, but gets no cell reception.] [Sam continues to search the deserted town but doesn't find much. Most of the buildings are broken down or locked from the outside. Suddenly, Sam hears a creaking noise from nearby. He grabs a plank of wood, ready to fight, when Andy GALLAGHER turns the corner. He jumps back, startled.] Sam: Andy? Andy: Sam! What are you doing here? Sam: I don't know. Andy: What am I doing here?! Sam: I don't know. Andy: Where are we?! Sam: Andy, look, calm down. Andy: I can't calm down! I just woke up in freaking Frontierland! Sam: What's the last thing you remember? Andy: Honestly? My fourth bong load. It was weird. All of a sudden, there was this really intense smell. Like, uh… Sam: Like sulfur? Andy: How did you know that? Sam: [remembering something]Dean. Andy: Your brother –- is he here? Sam: I don't know where he is. I don't know if he's… [Suddenly, they hear a woman screaming in the distance. They approach another deserted building. She is locked inside, banging on the door for help.] Sam: Hello? Woman: Help me! Help me, please! Sam: Okay, I'm here. We're gonna get you out, all right? Just hold on a second. Woman: Please! [Sam grabs a large rock and smashes the padlock on the door.] Sam: All right, one second. Woman: Please! [Sam unlocks the door and Ava WILSON steps out.] Sam: Ava? Ava: Oh my God! Sam! [Sobbing, she gives him a gigantic hug.] Andy: So, I guess you guys know each other. Sam: Yeah. Ava: How did you—I mean, how did you— Sam: Ava, have you been here this whole time? Ava: What whole time? I just woke up in there, like, half an hour ago. Sam: Well, you've been gone for five months. My brother and I have been looking for you everywhere. Ava: Okay, that's impossible, because I saw you two days ago. Sam: You didn't. I'm sorry. Ava: But…that makes no sense. That's not—oh my God! My fiancée, Brady! If I've been missing for that long, he must be freaking out! Sam: Well… [Ava notices Andy and looks at him, confused.] Andy: Hey. Andy. Also freaking out. Ava: Okay. [to Sam]What's happening? Sam: I don't really know yet. But I know one thing: I know what the three of us have in common. [They suddenly hear a man's voice, calling from the distance.] Man: Hello? Is anybody there? Sam: Maybe more than three. [They run to the side of another building. The man, Jake TALLEY, is accompanied by a blonde girl, LILY.] Sam: Hello? Hey! Hey, you guys all right? Jake: I think so. Sam: I'm Sam. Jake: I'm Jake. LILY: Lily. Sam: Are there anymore of you? Jake: No. LILY: How did we even get here? A minute ago, I was in San Diego. Jake: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I went to sleep last night in Afghanistan. Sam: Let me take a wild guess: you two are both twenty-three? We all are. And we all have abilities. Jake: What? Sam: It started a little over a year ago? You found you could do things? Things you didn't think were possible? [They both nod.]I have visions. I see things before they happen. Ava: Yeah. Me, too. Andy: Yeah, and I can put thoughts into people's heads. Like, make them do stuff. But don't worry, I don't think it works on you guys. Oh, but get this –- I've been practicing. Training my brain, like meditation. So now, it's not just thoughts I can beam out, but images, too. Like, anything I want. Bam! People see it. This one guy I know –- total dick, right? I used it on him: gay p*rn. All hours of the day. [laughs]It was just like…you should have seen the look on his face. [The other four look completely horrified.] Andy: Uh…okay. LILY: So, you go, "Simon says give me your wallet", and they do? [to Sam]You have visions? That's great! I'd k*ll for something like that. Sam: Lily, listen, it's okay. LILY: No. It's not. I touch people? Their hearts stop. I can barely leave my house. My life's not exactly improved. So, screw you. I just wanna go home. Jake: And what, we don't? LILY: You know what, don't talk to me like that— Sam: Hey, guys, please. Look, whether we like it or not, we're all here, and so we all have to deal with this. Andy: Who brought us here? Sam: It's less of a "who". It's more of a "what". Ava: What does that mean? Sam: [after a pause]It's a demon. [CUT TO: HIGHWAY. Bobby and Dean are parked on the side of the road, poring over a map.] Bobby: This is it. All demonic signs and omens over the past month. Dean: Are you joking? There's nothing here. Bobby: Exactly. Dean: Well, come on, there's gotta be something. What about the normal, low-level stuff? You know, exorcisms, that kind of thing. Bobby: That's what I'm telling you: there's nothing. It's completely quiet. Dean: Well, how are we supposed to look for Sam? What, do we just close our eyes and point? [His phone rings. It is Ash, calling from the Roadhouse.] Dean: Ash, what do you got? Ash: Okay, listen, it's a big negatory on Sam. Dean: Oh, come on, man! You've gotta give us something. We're looking at a three thousand-mile haystack here. Ash: Listen, Dean, I did find something. Dean: Well, what? Ash: I can't talk over this line, Dean. Dean: Come on, I don't have time for this! Ash: Make time, okay? Because this –- [he stops as a customer walks by]What's up? What's going on? [The customer passes by, and Ash goes back to Dean]Not only does this almost definitely help you find your brother, this is…it's huge. So get here. Now. [hangs up] Dean: I guess we're going to the Roadhouse. Come on. [CUT TO: UNKNOWN LOCATION.] Jake: So, we're soldiers in a demon w*r to bring on the Apocalypse? Sam: When you put it like that— Jake: And we've been picked? Sam: Yes. Jake: Why us? Sam: I'm not sure, okay? But look, I just know— Ava: Sam, I'm sorry. Psychics and spoon-bending is one thing, but demons? Sam: Look, I know it sounds crazy, but— Jake: It doesn't just sound it. Sam: I don't really care what you think, okay? If we're all gathered here together, then that means it's starting and that we've gotta— Jake: The only thing I've gotta do is stay away from wackjobs, okay? I've heard enough. I'm better off on my own. FYI, so are you. Sam: Jake, hold on. Jake! [Jake ignores him and continues walking until he is alone in the town. Suddenly, he sees a little girl standing inside one of the buildings. She stares at him through the door, then vanishes. Jake follows her, entering the abandoned schoolroom.] Jake: Hello? [The girl can be heard giggling somewhere in the room.]It's all right. Don't be scared. Are you lost? [No response]Hello? [He then hears screeching coming from the chalkboard. He turns to look at it, and the words "I will not k*ll" are written over and over again on the board. The girl appears in the room, laughing. Her nails grow to form claws, and her face contorts.] Jake: Get back! [Sam suddenly enters the building, grabbing an iron poker and hitting the girl with it. She dissolves into a cloud of black smoke, which exits the schoolroom. The other three join Jake and Sam.] Sam: Just so you know? That was a demon. Now, that thing –- I'm not sure, but I think it was an Acheri. A demon that disguises itself as a little girl. That still doesn't tell us where we are. Andy, are you with me or what? Andy: [stunned]Give me a minute. I'm still working through, "Demons are real". [The group keeps walking. In front of one of the buildings is a large, rusty bell hanging from a wooden structure.] Sam: I've seen that bell before. I think I know where we are now: Cold Oak, South Dakota. A town so haunted, every single resident fled. Ava: Swell. Good to know we're somewhere so historical. LILY: Why in the world would that demon or whatever put us here? Sam: I'm wondering the Same thing. LILY: You know what? It doesn't matter. Clearly, the only sane thing to do here is get the hell out of Dodge. Sam: Wait, hold on. Lily, the only way out is through miles of woods. LILY: Beats hanging out with demons. Sam: Lily, look, we don't know what's going on yet. I mean, we don't even know how many of them are out there right now. Jake: Yeah, he's right. We should— LILY: Don't say "we"! I'm not part of "we". I have nothing in common with any of you. Sam: Okay, look, I know— LILY: You don't know anything! [pause]I accidentally touched my girlfriend. [The rest of them look around, stunned.] Sam: I'm sorry. LILY: Whatever. I feel like I'm in a nightmare, and it just keeps getting worse and worse. Sam: I've lost people, too. I have a brother out there right now that could be d*ad, for all I know. We're all in bad shape. But I'm telling you, the best way out of this is to stick together. LILY: Fine. [Sam nods, and the group continues looking around the town.] Sam: We're looking for iron, silver, salt –- any kind of w*apon. Jake: Salt is a w*apon? Sam: It's a brave new world. Andy: Well, hopefully there's food in your world, because I'm frickin' starving. [They enter another building. LILY looks like she is about to follow, but stays behind. She wanders off on her own, away from the group.] [CUT TO: INT. Impala. Dean and Bobby turn the corner to the Roadhouse. When they get there, however, the entire building has b*rned to the ground.] Dean: What the hell? [They get out of the car and begin walking among the debris. Every single part of the Roadhouse has been desTroyed.] Bobby: Oh, my God. Dean: You see Ellen? Bobby: No. No Ash, either. [Dean suddenly bends down and sees Ash's watch in the pile of rubble. He pulls on it and sees it is still attached to Ash's very burnt corpse.] Dean: Oh, Ash, damn it! [CUT TO: COLD OAK, SOUTH DAKOTA. Lily is walking in the woods, trying to find a way out, when she suddenly hears the little girl giggling. She continues walking, trying to ignore it.] [Meanwhile, Sam is searching one of the abandoned houses. He finds a Kn*fe and picks it up. He turns back to Ava, who is massaging her head.] Sam: Hey, you all right? Ava: Yeah, I'm just…I don't know, a little dizzy. Sam: Are you sure it's not some kind of— Ava: What? Some kind of freaky vision thing? No, more like I'd k*ll for a sandwich. I haven't eaten since…well, who knows? No, don't worry. I'm fine. Except for every single thing that's happening. Andy: [OS]You guys! I found something! [Sam and Ava join the two men. Andy is holding up two bags.] Andy: Salt! Sam: That's great, Andy. Now, we all can…where's Lily? Ava: Lily? Sam: Lily! [They suddenly hear the little girl giggling nearby. The four of them walk outside. At the top of a water tower, LILY is hanging from a noose, d*ad.] Ava: Oh, my God! Okay, that's officially—Sam, she's d*ad! She's d*ad! You said we were chosen for a reason. That is not chosen! That's k*lled! Okay, we have to get out of here. Sam: Stop. Andy: Yeah, I second that emotion. Jake: Not sure that's an option. Ava: What? Sam: Lily was trying to leave. The demon's not gonna let us get away that easy. We've gotta gear up for the next att*ck. Ava: Oh, gear up? Sam: Yeah. Ava: Okay, well, I'm not a soldier. I can't do that! Sam: Well, if you wanna stay alive, you're gonna have to. Let's go. Jake: I'll get her down. Sam: You know, I was just thinking about how much Dean would help right now. I'd give my arm for a working phone. Andy: [realizing something]You know, you may not need one. I've never tried it long-distance before, but do you have anything of Dean's on you? Like, something he touched? [Sam searches his pockets.] Sam: Uh…I've got a receipt. Would that work? Andy: Yeah. [He looks at the signature on the receipt.]D. Hasselhoff? Sam: Yeah, that's Dean's signature. [b*at]It's hard to explain. Andy: All right. [CUT TO: ROADHOUSE.] Bobby: This is… [trails off] Dean: What the hell did Ash know? We've got no way of knowing where Ellen is. Or if she's even alive. We've got no clue what Ash was gonna tell us. Now, how the hell are we gonna find Sam? Bobby: We'll find him. [Suddenly, Dean clutches his head in pain.] Bobby: Dean? [Dean groans and doubles over. He sees an image of the Cold Oak bell very quickly.] Bobby: What was that? Dean: I don't know. A headache? Bobby: You get headaches like that a lot? Dean: No. Must be the stress. [Chuckles]I could have sworn I saw something. Bobby: What do you mean? Like a vision? Like what Sam gets? Dean: What? No! Bobby: I'm just saying. Dean: Come on, I'm not some psychic. [Suddenly, the vision comes back. Dean falls against the car in pain. He sees another image, this time of Sam.] Bobby: Dean? Dean! Are you with me? Dean: Yeah, I think so. I saw Sam. I saw him, Bobby. Bobby: It was a vision. Dean: Yeah. I don't know how, but yeah. Whew. That was about as fun as getting kicked in the jewels. Bobby: What else did you see? Dean: Uh… there was a bell. Bobby: What kind of bell? Dean: Like a big bell with some kind of engraving on it, I don't know. Bobby: Engraving? Dean: Yeah. Bobby: Was it a tree? Like, an oak tree? Dean: Yeah, exactly. Bobby: I know where Sam is. [CUT TO: COLD OAK, SOUTH DAKOTA. NIGHT. Jake and Sam are in a barn, trying to break some of the iron bars off one of the machines. Jake, however, grabs one of the bars and rips it off with his bare hands. Sam stares at him, stunned.] Jake: I'm not Superman or anything. It's no big deal. Sam: You were in Afghanistan when this started? Jake: Yeah, I started getting headaches. And then there was this accident. This guy flipped his vehicle on a bad road. He got pinned underneath. I lifted it off him like it was nothing. Everybody said it was a fluke adrenaline thing. Sam: But then you did it again, right? Jake: Bench-pressed 800 pounds, stone-cold calm. I never told anybody, of course. It was just too crazy. Sam: Yeah. Crazy's relative. Jake: I'm starting to get that. Sam: Yeah. Jake: By the way, I appreciate what you're doing here. Sam: What am I doing? Jake: Keeping calm. Keeping them calm. Especially considering how freaked to hell you really are. I've been in some deep crap before myself. I know the look. Sam: [after a long pause]You wanna know the truth? I've got this brother, right? And he's always telling me how he's gonna watch out for me, how everything's gonna be okay. You know, kind of like I've been telling them. Jake: Yeah? Sam: I don't know if I believe it this time. I mean, the size of what's coming –- it's bigger than anyone has ever seen. I mean, it's gonna get bad. And I don't know if— Jake: If we're gonna make it? It doesn't matter if we believe it. Only matters that they do. [Later, Sam and Ava are in one of the houses, lining the doors and windows with salt.] Ava: My horoscope said I shouldn't have gotten out of bed. [scoffs]How you doing? Holding up? Sam: I'm okay. What about you? Ava: Not so okay. Why us, Sam? What did we do to deserve this? Sam: Just lucky, I guess. Ava: If it wasn't for bad luck, we'd have no luck at all. I just can't wait for this all to be over so I can just pretend it never happened. I just wanna curl up with Brady and watch bad TV. [She notices Sam shift uncomfortably.]What is it? Sam…do you know something that I don't? Sam: Look, Ava…I'm sorry. I wish I didn't have to tell you this. Ava: Tell me what? Sam: When the demon broke into your house to take you…your fiancée didn't make it. I'm sorry. Ava: No, that's…no! [Sam holds her while she sobs.] [That night, the entire group is sitting in one room, silent. Sam is struggling to stay awake, closing his eyes every so often. Suddenly, in the corner of the room, he sees THE YELLOW-EYED Demon.] Sam: Jake! Behind you! [Jake doesn't hear him.] YED: Howdy, Sam. Sam: I'm dreaming. YED: What do you say you and I take a little walk? [He leads Sam outside.] YED: You're awfully quiet, Sam. You're not mad at me, are you? Sam: I'm gonna tear you to shreds, I swear to— YED: [Chuckles]When you wake up, tiger, you give it your best sh*t. Sam: Where's my brother? YED: Quit worrying about Dean. I'd worry more about yourself. Sam: Why? You gonna k*ll me? YED: I'm trying to help you. That's why we're talking. You're the one I'm rooting for. Sam: What's that supposed to mean? YED: Welcome to the Miss America pageant. Why do you think you're here? This is a competition. Only one of you crazy kids is gonna make it out of here alive. Sam: I thought we were supposed to be— YED: Soldiers in a coming w*r? That's true. You are. But here's the thing: I don't need soldiers. I need soldier. I just need the one. Sam: Why? YED: Well, I couldn't just come out and say that, could I, Sam? I had to let everyone think they had a fighting chance. But what I need is a leader. Sam: To lead who? YED: Oh, I've already got my army. Or I will soon, anyway. Sam: You son of a bitch. YED: Honestly, I'm surprised you hadn't guessed. I mean, why do you think so many children flamed out already? Max Miller and Andy's brother, what's-his-name -- they weren't strong enough. I'm looking for the best and brightest of your generation. Sam: My generation? YED: Well, there's other generations, but let's just worry about yours. That's why I'm here, Sam. I wanna give you the inside track. You're tough. You're smart. You're well-trained, thanks to your daddy. Sam –- Sammy –- you're my favorite. Sam: You ruined my life. You k*lled everyone I love. YED: The cost of doing business, I'm afraid. I mean, sweet little Jessica –- she just had to die. You were all set to marry that little blonde thing, become a tax Lawyer with two kids, a beer gut, and a little McMansion in the suburbs. I needed you sharp on the road, honing your skills. Your gifts. Sam: What about my mom? YED: That was bad luck. Sam: Bad luck? YED: She walked in on us. Wrong place, wrong time. Sam: What does that mean? YED: It wasn't about her. It was about you. It's always been about you. Sam: What? YED: Well…okay. You caught me in a charitable mood. I'll show you. [The demon snaps his fingers, and he and Sam are suddenly in Sam's nursery, back on the night Mary died.] YED: Look familiar? It should. [Sam watches his six-month-old self crying in his crib, while the Yellow-Eyed Demon from the past stands over him all those years ago.] PRESENT YED: Relax, Sam, this is just a hi-def instant replay. Enjoy the show. [Mary Winchester enters the room, looking tired.] Mary: John? Sam: [invisible to her]Mom! Mary: Is he hungry? PAST YED: Shh. Mary: Okay. [leaves] Sam: Wait, Mom. Mom! PRESENT YED: What did I just tell you, Sam? She can't hear you. This isn't real. [They watch as the PAST YED slices his own wrist with his nail. He drips some of the blood onto Baby Sam's mouth.] Sam: What the hell are you doing to me? PRESENT YED: Better than mother's milk. Sam: Does this mean I have demon blood in me? [The demon Chuckles.]Answer me! [Mary suddenly rushes back into the room. The PAST YED turns to her, revealing his colored eyes.] Mary: It's you. Sam: She knew you. [Mary begins to walk closer, but the PAST YED forces her against the wall. They watch as she slowly moves up the wall, until she is pinned to the ceiling.] Sam: No! No! PRESENT YED: I don't think you wanna see the rest of this. [He snaps his fingers again. Sam jolts awake in the abandoned South Dakota house.] Jake: Sam, wake up! Ava's missing. [He and Sam go outside.]I'll take the barn and the hotel. You take the houses. Sam: All right. Meet back here in ten minutes, okay? Jake: Okay. [Sam begins his walk to the houses. Ava peeks her head out from around the corner, but Sam doesn't see her.] [Meanwhile, Andy has stayed back at the abandoned building. When he turns, Ava is standing in the room with him. She drags her finger along the salt on the windowsill, breaking the line.] Andy: Ava, where'd you go? Didn't you hear us yelling? Ava: Yeah, I heard you. [She puts her hands to her head in concentration. A cloud of black demon smoke appears outside the window. Since the salt line has been broken, it is able to enter the room through the window.] Andy: What are you doing? [The smoke suddenly materializes into the demonic little girl.] Andy: Holy… [The demon girl knocks him down and wastes no time in k*lling him. His blood splatters everywhere until he is completely d*ad. Ava watches his corpse for a second, amused, then begins screaming.] [Outside, Sam hears Ava screaming and hurries inside. He sees her crying, pointing at Andy's body.] Ava: Sam! I just found him like this! Sam: What happened? Ava: I don't know! Sam: How'd that thing get in? Where were you? Ava: I just went to get some water from the well. I was only gone maybe, like, two minutes! Sam: You shouldn't have gone outside. Ava, we have to stay in here. [He notices the salt on the window.]Who did that? Ava: I don't know, maybe Andy— Sam: Andy wouldn't do that. Ava, that line wasn't broken when I left. Ava. Ava: What? You don't think that I— Sam: I'll tell you what I think: five months. You're the only one with all that time you can't account for. And that headache you got? Right when the demon got Lily. Ava: What are you trying to say? Sam: What happened to you? Ava: Nothing! [Sam stares her down until a minute later, she drops the act.] Ava: Had you going though, didn't I? [wiping her eyes]Yeah. I've been here a long time. And not alone, either. People just keep showing up. Children, like us. Batches of three or four at a time. Sam: You k*lled them? All of them? Ava: I'm the undefeated heavyweight champ. Sam: Oh, my God. Ava: Don't think God has much to do with this, Sam. Sam: How could you? Ava: I had no choice. It was me or them. After a while, it was easy. It was even kind of fun. I just stopped fighting it. Sam: Fighting what? Ava: Who we are, Sam. If you just quit your hand-wringing and open yourself up, you have no idea what you can do. The learning curve is so fast, it's crazy, the switches that just flip in your brain. I can't believe I started out just having dreams. Do you know what I can do now? Sam: Control demons. Ava: Ah, you are quick on the draw. [She puts her hands to her head.]Yeah, I'm sorry, Sam. But it's over. [The cloud of black smoke returns to the window. Just as it is about to enter, Jake comes to the building. He grabs Ava and twists her neck, k*lling her instantly. The demonic smoke leaves the window and disappears.] [Outside, near the edge of the woods, Bobby and Dean pull up in the Impala.] Bobby: Looks like the rest of the way's on foot. [They open the trunk and grab their w*apon.] Dean: Let's go. [Back at the building, Sam and Jake leave and head outside.] Sam: I think we can make it out of here now. Jake: But the Acheri demon… Sam: No, no, no. Ava was summoning it, controlling it. It shouldn't come back now that she's d*ad. We've gotta go. Jake: Not "we", Sam. Only one of us is getting out of here. I'm sorry. Sam: What? Jake: I had a vision. That Yellow-Eyed Demon or whatever it was, he talked to me. He told me how it was. Sam: No, Jake, listen. You can't listen to him. Jake: Sam, he's not letting us go. Only one. Now, if we don't play along, he'll k*ll us both. Now, I like you, man. I do. But do the math here. What good's it do for both of us to die? Now, I can get out of here. I get close to the demon, I can k*ll the bastard. Sam: You come with me, we can k*ll him together. Jake: How do I know you won't turn on me? Sam: I won't. Jake: I don't know that. Sam: Okay, look. [He takes out his Kn*fe, shows it to Jake, and places it on the ground.] Sam: Just come with me, Jake. Don't do this. Don't play into what it wants. [After a pause, Jake places his w*apon on the ground as well. Sam looks very relieved.] Sam: Okay. [Suddenly, Jake punches him. With his super-strength, Sam goes flying across the field and crashes onto the ground. Jake approaches, kicking down the fence and leaning over Sam. Sam stands and fights back, punching Jake. The two continue fighting for a while until finally, Sam grabs the iron bar that Jake was using and knocks Jake out. He thinks of k*lling Jake with the iron rod but decides to leave him alone.] [Down the street, Bobby and Dean are approaching.] Dean: Sam! Sam: Dean! [Jake suddenly wakes up. He grabs the Kn*fe that Sam had placed on the ground.] Dean: Sam, look out! [Too late. Jake s*ab the Kn*fe right through Sam's back.] Dean: No! [Jake twists the Kn*fe, creating a massive wound, before running away. Sam falls to his knees. While Bobby chases after Jake, Dean slides to the ground in front of Sam. He grabs at Sam's clothing, trying to keep him conscious.] Dean: Sam! [Sam falls forward onto Dean's shoulder.] Dean: Whoa, whoa, Sam. Sam! Hey! Come here. Let me look at you. [He places his hand on Sam's wound, covering his entire palm in blood.] Dean: Hey, look at me. It's not even that bad. It's not even that bad, all right? Sammy? Sam! Hey, listen to me. We're gonna patch you up, okay? You're gonna be good as new. I'm gonna take care of you. I'm gonna take you care of you. I've got you. That's my job, right? Watch out for my pain-in-the-ass little brother? Sam? Sam! Sammy! [Sam's eyes slide shut. His entire body slumps forward.] Dean: No. No, no, no, no. Oh, God. [With tears streaming down his face, Dean holds Sam in his arms as he dies.] Dean: Sam! TO BE CONTINUED END OF EPISODE

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x21 - All Hell Breaks Loose"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 17 May 2007 Dean sits next to Sam's d*ad body. Bobby (with bucket of chicken) Dean? Dean: No, thanks. I'm fine. Bobby: You should eat something. Dean: I said I'm fine. Bobby: Dean...I hate to bring this up, I really do. But don't you think maybe it's time...we bury Sam. Dean: No. Bobby: We could (Sighs) maybe... Dean: What? Torch his corpse? Not yet. Bobby: I want you to come with me. Dean: I'm not going anywhere. Bobby: Dean, please. Dean: Would you cut me some slack? Bobby: I just don't think you should be alone, that's all. I gotta admit-- I could use your help. Dean: Bobby Something big is going down-- end-of-the world big. Dean: Well, then let it end! Bobby: You don't mean that. Dean: You don't think so? Huh? You don't think I've given enough? You don't think I've paid enough? I'm done with it. All of it. And if you know what's good for you, turn around, and get the hell out of here. Go! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please, just go. Bobby: You know where I'll be. He turns his back on Dean and leaves the motel room. Dean takes another look at Sam's body and a tear falls from his eye. FADE IN: WOODS. NIGHT Jake is sitting in a campsite with a f*re burning. He is dozing off, but awakes suddenly to see the Yellow Eyed Demon standing in front of him.) YED Howdy, Jake. Jake: I'm--I'm dreaming aren't I? YED I've got a genius on my hands. Well congratulations, Jake. You're it--last man standing. The American Idol. I have to admit-- You weren't the horse I was bettin' on, but still, I gotta give it to you. Jake: Go...to hell. YED Been there...done that. Jake: Everything you put me through-- dragging me to that place, making me k*ll those people... YED All part of the beauty pageant. Jake, I needed the strongest, and that's you. Jake: Needed me for what? YED Oh, I got a laundry list of tasty things for you. Jake: The only thing I am going to do is wake up, hunt you down, and k*ll you myself. YED You know, others have tried. It's not easy. Trust me, Jake. You want to be a good little soldier here. Jake: And if I'm not? YED If you're a bad little soldier, well, that dear old mom of yours, that adorable little sister, I'll make certain that they both live long enough to know the chewy taste of their own intestines. No, Jake. I'm not bluffing. Jake: What do you want me to do? YED Like I said-- genius. CUT TO Sam's corpse lying on a mattress. Dean sitting next to him, gloomy. Dean: You know, when we were little-- you couldn't been more than 5-- you just started asking questions. How come we didn't have a mom? Why do we always have to move around? Where'd Dad go when he'd take off for days at a time? I remember I begged you-- "Quit asking, Sammy. Man, you don't want to know." I just wanted you to be a kid...Just for a little while longer. I always tried to protect you...Keep you safe...Dad didn't even have to tell me. It was just always my responsibility, you know? It's like I had one job... I had one job... And I screwed it up. I blew it. And for that, I'm sorry. I guess that's what I do. I let down the people I love. I let Dad down. And now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down, too. How can I? How am I supposed to live with that? What am I supposed to do? Sammy. God. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do?! CUT TO: Impala engine revving. Headlights turn on and Dean drives recklessly. He stops on a dirt road and inserts several items into a box, including a photo ID of himself. He begins to bury the box in the middle of a crossroads. Several seconds pass in silence, as Dean looks right and left. Dean: Oh come on already. Show your face, you bitch! (Suddenly, a beautiful woman in a black dress appears.) Demon: Easy sugar, you'll wake the neighbors. Dean. It's so, so good to see you. (Inhales sharply) I mean it. Look at you. Gone and got your family k*lled. All alone in the world. It's too sweet. Excuse me, you're gonna have to give me a moment. Sometimes you gotta stop and smell the Roses. Dean: I should send you straight back to hell. Demon: Oh, you should. But you won't. And I know why. Dean: Oh yeah? Demon: Yeah. Following in Daddy's footsteps. You wanna make a deal. Little Sammy back from the d*ad, and--let me guess-- you're offering up your own soul? Dean: There are a hundred other demons who'd love to get their hands on it. And it's all yours. And all you got to do is bring Sam back. And give me ten years-- ten years, and then you come for me. Demon: You must be joking. Dean: That's the Same deal you give everybody else. Demon: You're not everybody else. (Whispering in Dean's ear) Why would I want to give you anything? Keep your gutter soul. It's too tarnished, anyway. Dean: Nine years. Demon: No. Dean: Eight. Demon: You keep going, I'll keep saying no. Dean: Okay, five years. Five years, and my bill comes due. That's my last offer-- five years or no deal. Demon: (Leaning in for a kiss) Then no deal. Dean: Fine. Demon: Fine. (Walking away) Make sure you bury Sam before he starts stinking up the joint. Dean: Wait. Demon: (Softly) It's a f*re sale, and everything must go. Dean: What do I have to do? Demon: First of all, quit groveling. Needy guys are such a turnoff. (Sighs) Look... Look, I shouldn't be doing this. I could get in a lot of trouble. But what can I say? I got a blind spot for you, Dean. You're like a... puppy. You're just too fun to play with. (Sighs) I'll do it. Dean: You'll bring him back? Demon: I will. And because I'm such a saint, I'll give you one year. And one year only. But here's the thing. If you try and welch or weasel your way out, then the deal is off. Sam drops d*ad. He's back to rotten meat in no time. So... it's a better deal than your dad ever got. What do you say? Dean grabs the demon and kisses her to seal the deal. CUT TO: Sam's eyes open wide and he sits up on the mattress, looking around, confused, and breathing heavily. FADE IN: MOTEL ROOM Sam standing in front of a mirror, examining his back with a look of pain. There is a scar from where the Kn*fe was s*ab into his spine. In the distance a door opens and Dean enters the room. Dean: Sammy. Sam: Hey. Dean pulls Sam into a tight embrace. Sam: Ow. Uh, Dean... Dean: (Releases Sam) I'm sorry. I'm sorry, man. I'm just...I'm just happy to see you up and around, that's all. Come on, sit down. (Both sit) Sam: Okay. Dean...what happened to me? Dean: Well, what do you remember? Sam: I-I saw you and Bobby, and...I felt this pain. This sharp pain, like...like, white-hot, you know, and then you started running at me, and...that's about it. Dean: Yeah, that-- that kid, s*ab you in the back. You lost a lot of blood. It was pretty touch and go for awhile. Sam: But Dean, you can't patch up a wound that bad. Dean: No, Bobby could. Who was that kid, anyway? Sam: His name's Jake. Did you get him? Dean: No, he disappeared into the woods. Sam: We got to find him, Dean. And I swear I'm gonna tear that son of a bitch apart. (Stands up with Dean following suit.) Dean: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy there, Van Damme. You just woke up, all right? Let's get you something to eat. Huh? You want something to eat? (Sam nods) I'm starving. Come on. CUT TO: Dean and Sam sitting at a table, eating. Sam: And that's when you guys showed up. Dean: That's awful. Poor Andy. Sam: The demon said he only wanted one of us to walk out alive. Dean: He told you that? Sam: Yep. (Scoffs) He appeared in a dream. Dean: He tell you anything else? Sam: (Shakes head) No. No. That was it. Nothing else. You know, what I don't get, Dean, is if the demon only wanted one of us, then how did Jake and I both get away? Dean: Well, I mean, they left you for d*ad. I'm sure they thought it was over. (Eats a large bite of pizza) So now that Yellow Eyes has Jake, what's he gonna do with him? Sam: I don't know. But whatever it is, we gotta stop him. Dean: Well, hold on. You need to get your rest. We got time. Sam: No, we don't. Dean: Sam, oceans aren't boiling, okay? Frogs aren't raining from the sky. Let's get you your strength back first. Sam: Well did you call the roadhouse? Do they know anything? Dean: Yeah. Sam: Dean...what is it? Dean: (Sitting down) The roadhouse b*rned to the ground. Ash is d*ad. Probably Ellen-- a lot of other hunters, too. Sam: Demons? Dean: Yeah, we think so. We think because Ash found something. Sam: What did he find? Dean: Bobby's working on that right now. Sam: Well, come on then. Bobby's only a few hours away. ( He begins to stand.) Dean: (Dean stands also and grabs Sam by the shoulders.) Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop, Sam, stop. Damn it. You almost died there. I mean, what would I have-- you just take care of yourself for a little bit, huh? Just for a little bit? Sam: I'm sorry. No. Dean shakes his head. CUT TO: Impala driving down a road. CUT TO: A hand knocking on a door. Bobby opens the door and looks at Sam with astonishment. Dean: Hey, Bobby. Sam: Hey, Bobby. Bobby: Sam. It's good to see... you up and around. Sam: Yeah, well... thanks for patching me up. Bobby: Don't mention it. Dean: Well Sam's better. And we're back in it now, so...what do you know? INT. Bobby's HOUSE Bobby: Well, I found something. But I'm not sure what the hell it means. Sam: What is it? Bobby: Demonic omens...like a frickin' tidal wave. Cattle deaths. Lightening storms. They skyrocketed from out of nowhere. Here. (He points to Wyoming on a map.) All around here, except for one place...Southern Wyoming. Dean: Wyoming? Bobby: Yeah. That one area's totally clean -- spotless. It's almost as if... Sam: What? Bobby: The demons are surrounding it. Dean: But you don't know why? Bobby: No, and by this point my eyes are swimming. Sam, would you take a look at it? Maybe you could catch something I couldn't. Sam: Yeah, sure. Bobby: Come on, Dean. I got some more books in the truck. Help me lug 'em in. Dean: Yeah. CUT TO: Dean and Bobby walking in the junkyard. Finally, Bobby stops and turns to face Dean. Bobby: You stupid ass! What did you do? What did you do?! (He pushes Dean.) You made a deal...For Sam, didn't you? How long did they give you? Dean: Bobby. Bobby: How long?! Dean: One year. Bobby: Damn it, Dean. Dean: Which is why we gotta find this yellow-eyed son of a bitch. That's why I'm gonna k*ll him myself. I got nothing to lose now, right? Bobby: (He grabs Dean by the collar) I could throttle you! Dean: And send me downstairs ahead of schedule? Bobby: (He lets go of Dean) What is it with you Winchesters, huh? You, your dad. You're both just itching to throw yourselfs down the pit. Dean: That's my point. Dad brought me back, Bobby. I'm not even supposed to be here. At least this way, something good could come out of it, you know? It's like my life could mean something. Bobby: What? And it didn't before?! Have you got that low of an opinion of yourself? Are you that screwed in the head?! (He grabs Dean again) Dean: (Choking up) I couldn't let him die, Bobby. I couldn't. He's my brother. Bobby: How's your brother gonna feel when he knows your going to hell? How'd you feel when you knew your dad went for you? Dean: You can't tell him. You can take a sh*t at me. Whatever you got to do, but please don't tell him. Bobby begins to cry, grabbing Dean's chin. Suddenly there is a clank from a distant part of the junkyard. Bobby and Dean crawl to the side of a car, and grab the intruder. Once they have her by the shoulders, they recognize her as Ellen. Dean: Ellen? (Ellen nods) Ellen. Oh, God. CUT TO: Ellen and Bobby sitting at a table. He pours her a sh*t of liquid from a flask and pushes it towards her. Ellen: Bobby, is this really necessary? Bobby: Just a belt of Holy Water, shouldn't hurt. Ellen: (She lifts the sh*t glass to her mouth and swallows the water) Whiskey now, if you don't mind. Dean: Ellen, what happened? How'd you get out? Ellen: I wasn't supposed to. I was supposed to be in there with everybody else. (Scoffs) But we ran out of pretzels, of all things. It was just dumb luck. (She drinks the whiskey Bobby poured for her and exhales sharply) Anyway, that's when Ash called. Panic in his voice. (Sighs) He told me to look in the safe. Then the call cut out. By the time I got back, the flames were sky-high. And everybody was d*ad. I couldn't have been gone more than fifteen minutes. Sam: Sorry, Ellen. Ellen: (Tearing up) A lot of good people died in there. And I got to live. (Scoffs) Lucky me. Bobby: Ellen, you mentioned a safe. Ellen: A hidden safe we keep in the basement. Bobby: Demons get what was in it? Ellen: No (She pulls out a map from her pocket, unfolding it and setting it down on the table. It has several black lines and X's on it.) Dean: Wyoming. What does that mean? (Pointing to the lines) CUT TO: Bobby is reading from a large book Bobby: I don't believe it. (He sets the book on a table) Sam: What? You got something? Bobby: A lot more than that. Each of these X's (He points to the marks on the map) Is an abandoned frontier church-- all mid 19th century. And all of them built by Samuel Colt. Dean: Samuel Colt--the demon-k*lling, g*n Samuel Colt? Bobby: Yep. And there's more. He built private railway lines (He points to the black lines on the map) connecting church to church. It just happens to lay out like this. (He connects the points on the map until the shape of a star is made.) Dean: Tell me that's not what I think it is. Sam: It's a Devil's Trap. A 100-square mile Devil's Trap. Dean: That's brilliant. Iron lines demons can't cross. Ellen: I've never heard of anything that massive. Bobby: No one has. Dean: And after all these years none of the lines are broken? I mean, it still works? Sam: Definitely Dean: How do you know? Sam: All those omens Bobby found. I mean the demons, they must be circling and they can't get in. Bobby: Yeah, well...they're trying. Ellen: Why? What's inside? Dean: That's what I've been looking for. And, uh, there's nothing except an old cowboy cemetery right in the middle. Sam: Well what's so important about a cemetery or...what's Colt trying to protect? Dean: Well, unless... Bobby: Unless what? Dean: What if Colt wasn't trying to keep the demons out? What if he was trying to keep something in? Ellen: Well that's a comforting thought. Dean: Yeah, you think? Sam: Could they do it, Bobby? Could they get inside? Bobby: This thing's so powerful, you'd practically need an A-b*mb to desTroy it. No way a full-blood demon gets across. Sam: No. (Pause) But I know who could. EXT. WOODS - DAY Jake pulls onto a backroad and parks his car in front of a railroad track. He gets out of the car and looks around. After a few moments, Jake turns around and sees the Yellow Eyed Demon standing behind him. YED Howdy, Jake. So, did you have a nice trip? Jake: I'm here. I did what you asked, now what? YED Fifty miles thataway. (He points in the opposite direction Jake is standing, across the railroad tracks) There's a cemetery. A crypt. You got to open that for me. Think you can manage that, sport? Jake: You know what? Screw you and your freaky orders. Go do it yourself. YED Oh, I can't. I can't go that way--not yet. Jake: Why not? YED I just can't. But if you're gonna open that crypt for me, you're gonna need a key. (He pulls the Colt from his jacket pocket and holds it in the air.) Jake: A g*n? YED Oh, this isn't just any g*n, Jake. This is the only g*n in the whole universe that can sh**t me d*ad. (Pointing the g*n to his head) Jake: Is that so? YED Yep. Here, take it. (He hands the Colt over to Jake, who cocks the g*n and aims it at him.) Oh, my. I'm shocked at this unforseen turn of events. Go ahead, Jake. Squeeze that trigger. Be all you can be. This will all be over. Your life can go back to normal. Of course, the Army won't take you back 'cause you're AWOL. But I'm sure you could get your old job at the factory back. But then, on the other hand, the rest of your life, and your family's, could be money and honey, health and wealth, every day is ice-cream sundae. And all you got to do is this one little thing. Jake: Why me? YED Oh, Jake. It's got to be you. I've been waiting for you for a very long time. You're my leader. You open that crypt, and you will have your army. Jake: You're talking about the end of the world. YED No, not the end-- the beginning...a better world where your family will be protected. More than that. They'll be royalty. Buddy boy, you have the chance to get in on the ground floor of a thrilling oppurtunity. What'd you say? It's your call. (Jake lowers the g*n) Attababy. CUT TO: Nighttime. A cemetery gate opens and Jake enters, walking towards a crypt. Dean is shown standing behind a large tomb, a g*n in hand. Sam: Howdy, Jake. Sam, Bobby, and Ellen appear from the shadows, g*n raised. Jake: Wait...you were d*ad. I k*lled you. Sam: Yeah? Well next time, finish the job. Jake: I did! I cut clean through your spinal cord, man. (Sam glances at Dean) You can't be alive. You can't be. Bobby: Okay, just take it real easy there, son. Jake: And if I don't? Sam: Wait and see. Jake: What, you a tough guy all of a sudden? What are you gonna do--k*ll me? Sam: It's a thought. Jake: You had your chance. You couldn't. Sam: I won't make that mistake twice. Jake begins to laugh. Dean: What are you smiling at, you little bitch? Jake: Hey Lady, do me a favor. Put that g*n to your head. (Ellen points her g*n at her temple) See that Ava girl was right. Once you give in to it, there's all sorts of new Jedi mind tricks you can learn. Sam: Let her go. Ellen: (Voice trembling) sh**t him. Jake: You'll be mopping up skull before you get a sh*t off. (Pauses) Everybody, put your g*n down. Except you, sweetheart. (Three g*n drop) Okay. Thank you. Jake turns around and pulls the Colt out of his pocket. While he is inserting it into the crypt, Dean and Bobby grab Ellen before she can sh**t herself just as Sam sh**t Jake four times in the back. Jake falls onto the ground, and Sam positions himself in front of him. Jake: (Gasping) Please...don't. Please. Sam sh**t Jake three more times in the chest. The four watch as two seperate engravings on the crypt spin in different directions, then stop. Bobby: Oh, no. Ellen: Bobby, what is it? Bobby: It's hell. Dean pulls the Colt from the Crypt. Bobby: Take cover--now! All four run behind tombstones as the doors to the crypt burst open. A large black mass erupts from the other side and sh**t outward. The camera spans out and shows the demons breaching the Devil's Trap and escaping. Dean: What the hell just happened?! Ellen: That's a devil's gate. A damn door to hell. The railway iron is shown being bent in two and a pair of legs crossing. Ellen: Come on! We gotta shut that gate! Dean checks the Colt for b*ll*ts. Dean: If the demon gave this to Jake...then maybe... Thunder crashes and the Yellow Eyed Demon appears behind Dean. He flings the Colt out of Dean's hand and into his own. YED A boy shouldn't play with Daddy's g*n. He throws Dean into the air, where Dean hits his head on a tombstone. Sam: Dean! He lets go of the gate door and runs to his brother. YED (Throwing Sam against a nearby tree.) I'll get to you in a minute, champ. But I'm proud of you--knew you had it in you. (He paralizes Dean.) Sit a spell. So, Dean...I got to thank you. You see, demons can't resurrect people unless a deal is made. I know, red tape--it'll make you nuts. But thanks to you, Sammy's back in rotation. (Laughs) Now, I wasn't counting on that, but I'm glad. I liked him better than Jake, anyhow. Tell me--have you ever heard the expression, "If a deal sounds too good to be true, it probably is?" Dean: You call that deal good? YED Well, it's a better shake than your dad ever got. And you never wondered why? I'm surprised at you. I mean...you saw what your brother just did to Jake, right? That was pretty cold, wasn't it? (Chuckles) How certain are you that what you brought back, is 100% pure Sam? (Laughs) You of all people should know, that's what's d*ad, should stay d*ad. Anyway...thanks a bunch. I knew I kept you alive for some reason. Until now, anyway. I couldn't have done it without your pathetic, self-loathing, self-destructive desire to sacrifice yourself for your family. As the YED cocks the Colt, John Winchester grabs the demon from behind. The body the demon possessed falls to the ground, the g*n still in hand, while John and the YED wrestle. The demon pushes him to the ground and enters the body once more. When he stands up, Dean sh**t him with the Colt. The demon then falls to the ground, d*ad. Bobby and Ellen close the gate doors and turn to see John. The father puts his hand on Dean's shoulder, both are crying, while Sam stands on the side and gives his father a nod. With another look at Dean, John steps back and disappears. CUT TO: Dean and Sam standing over the demon's smoking body, astonished. Dean: Well, check that off the to-do list. Sam: You did it. Dean: I didn't do it alone. Sam: Do you think Dad really...do you think he really climbed outta hell? Dean: The door was open. If anyone's stubborn enough to do it...it would be him. Sam: Where do you think he is now? Dean: I don't know. Sam: I kind of can't believe it, Dean. I mean...our whole lives, everything...has been prepping for this, and now I... (Chuckles) I kind of don't know what to say. Dean: I do. (He leans closer to the body) That was for our mom...you son of a bitch. CUT TO: Sam and Dean walking towards the Impala. Sam: You know, when Jake saw me...it was like he saw a ghost. (Scoffs) I mean, hell, you heard him, Dean. He said he k*lled me. Dean: I'm glad he was wrong. Sam: I don't think he was, Dean. What happened...after I was s*ab? Dean: I already told you. Sam: Not everything. Dean: Sam, we just k*lled the demon. Can we celebrate for a minute? Sam: Did I die? Dean: Oh, come on. Sam: Did you sell your soul for me, like Dad did for you? Dean: Oh, come on! No! Sam: Tell me the truth. (Dean sniffles) Dean, tell me the truth. Dean: Sam... (Chuckles) Sam: (Voice breaking) How long do you get? Dean: One year. I got one year. Sam: You shouldn't have done that. How could you do that? Dean: Don't get mad at me. Don't you do that. I had to. I had to look out for you. That's my job. Sam: And what do you think my job is? Dean: What? Sam: You've saved my life over and over. I mean, you sacrifice everything for me. Don't you think I'd do the Same for you? You're my big brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. And I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get you out of this. Guess I gotta save your ass for a change. Dean: Yeah. Ellen: (Aproaching) Well...Yellow Eyed Demon might be d*ad. But a lot more got through that gate. Dean: How many, you think? Sam: Hundred. Maybe two hundred. It's an army. He's unleashed an army. Bobby: Hope to hell you boys are ready. 'Cause the w*r has just g*n. Dean: Well, then. The scene cuts to Sam and Dean opening the Impala's trunk. Dean throws the Colt inside and closes it. Dean: We got work to do.

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "02x22 - All Hell Breaks Loose: Part Two"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 4 Oct 2007 (Note: The intro footage for this episode is set to AC/DC's "Hell's Bells") Oak Park, Illinois We pan over a dark suburban neighborhood street and focus in on one nicely kept house. A man in his thirties, with red hair and a beard, exits the house with a bag of garbage. He takes it out to the garbage cans and stuffs it in. As he walks back to the house, the garbage cans rattle. He stares, walking cautiously towards them. They continue to rattle; he looks up and sees a demonic cloud swirling over the Chicago skyline in the distance. Panicked, he runs back towards the house, but trips before he gets there. A tendril of demon smoke pours into his mouth. He opens his eyes; they are black. The now-possessed man stands, looking towards the rest of the demonic cloud now streaming towards chicago, and smiles. SUBTITLE: One Week Later Sam is sitting in the Impala, reading a book. The header at the top of the page reads "Dr. Faustus". He looks up to see Dean inside the house across from him; he is wearing only an undershirt. Dean grins and gives Sam a double-thumbs up, at which Sam shakes his head, smiling fondly. A Hot Girl comes into frame from off right, and Dean shuts the curtains; they can be seen undressing each other in silhouette. Sam's phone rings. Sam: Hello. Bobby: (seen driving along another dark highway in his own b*at-up car) Hey, Sam. Sam: Hey, Bobby. Bobby: What're you doing? Sam: Oh, Same old, Same old. Bobby: You buried in that book again? (Sam pauses. Bobby grimaces) Sam,you want to break Dean free of that demon deal, you ain't gonna find the answer in no book. Sam: Then where, Bobby? Bobby: Kid, I wish I knew. So,where's your brother? Sam: (without missing a b*at) Polling the electorate. Bobby: What? Sam: Never mind. Bobby: Well, you boys better pack it up. I think I finally found something. Sam hangs up. Inside the house, he knocks on the bedroom door, opening it slowly. Sam: Dean? (he enters the room) Dean, you -- you conscious? Bobby called, and he thinks that maybe we -- (he stares in horror) Oh, god. Later, Sam and Dean are in the Impala, Dean driving. Sam: Let me see your Kn*fe. Dean: What for? Sam: So I can gouge my eyes out. Dean: It was a beautiful, natural act, Sam. Sam: It's a part of you I never wanted to see, Dean. Dean: (Chuckles, slaps Sam on the thigh) Hey, I appreciate you giving me a little quality time with the Doublemint Twins. Sam: (quietly) No problem. Dean: Really? Well,i got to say, I was expecting a weary sigh or an eye roll, something. Sam: Not at all. You deserve to have a little fun. Dean: Well, I'm in violent agreement with you there. (Chuckles) What's Bobby got? Sam: Not much. Crop failure and a cicada swarm outside of Lincoln, Nebraska. Could be demonic omens. Dean: Or could just be a bad crop and a bug problem. Sam: Yeah, but it's our only lead. Dean: Any freaky deaths? Sam: No, nothing Bobby could find -- not yet,anyway. Dean: It's weird,man. I mean, the night the devil's gate opened, all these weirdo storm clouds were sighted over how many cities? Sam: Seventeen. Dean: Seventeen. You think it would be "Apocalypse Now," but it's been five days and bubkis. (Sam looks at him, startled. Dean pauses.) What are the demons waiting for? Sam: Beats me. Dean: It's driving me crazy. I tell you, if it's gonna be w*r, I wish it would just start already. Sam: I don't know, man. Be careful what you wish for. The next morning, Dean and Sam pull up outside a farmhouse. Dean gets out munching on a hamburger. The air is filled with the sound of cicadas. Sam: Hear those cicadas? Dean: That can't be a good sign. Sam: No. No, it can't. Bobby: (greeting them) So,we're eating bacon cheeseburgers for breakfast, are we? Dean: Well, I sold my soul. Got a year to live. I ain't sweating the cholesterol. Sam: So, Bobby, what do you think? We got a biblical plague here or what? Bobby: Well, let's find out. Looks like the swarm's ground zero. Dean: (pounding on the farmhouse door) Candygram! They pick the lock and open the door; Dean enters first, Sam behind him with a g*n drawn. They cover their noses in disgust. Sam: That's awful. Dean: That so can't be a good sign. They creep through the house; stopping in the second room, they can hear what sounds like panicked screams. Sam: You hear that? They kick open the next door; the sounds turn out to be coming from a television set; a family of three is seated on the couch, several days d*ad. Sam and Dean recoil at the increased stench. Sam: Oh, my god. Bobby enters through the other side of the room and also recoils in horror. Sam: Bobby, what the hell happened here? Bobby: I don't know. Dean: Check for sulfur. Bobby: Yeah. The three of them investigate the room; Dean hears a noise out front and signals to the others taht he's going to go check it out. Bobby and Sam circle around the other direction. Out front, Dean exits cautiously, g*n drawn, and looks around. As he comes around the house he is knocked to the ground by a man with a g*n: ISAAC. His wife, TAMARA, comes up behind him. Bobby: (coming up from the other side) Isaac? Tamara? TAMARA Bobby. What the hell are you doing here? Bobby: I could ask the Same. ISAAC Heya, Bobby. Dean: (raising an arm pitifully from the ground) Hello. Bleeding here. INT. ISAAC AND TAMARA's PLACE Dean: (on the phone, off-camera) Jenny! That is a beautiful name. That's my sister's name, actually. (continues) ISAAC Honey? Where's the Palo Santo? TAMARA Well, where'd you leave it? ISAAC I don't know, dear. That's why I'm asking. Sam: Palo Santo? TAMARA It's holy wood, from Peru. It's toxic to demons like holy water. Keeps the bastards nailed down while you're exorcising them. She digs in a bag and pulls out a large, pointed stake. She hands it to Isaac with an affectionate smile. ISAAC Thank you, dear. TAMARA You'd lose your head if it wasn't for me. Sam: So, how long you two been married? TAMARA Eight years this past june. ISAAC The family that slays together... Sam: Right. I'm with you there. So, how'd you get started? (awkward silence) Oh,you know... I'm sorry. It's not -- that's none of my business. TAMARA It's -- it's all right. Dean: (finishing up on the phone) Well, Jenny, if you look as pretty as you sound, then i'd love to have an appletini. (making a face) Yeah. Call you. (he hangs up and addresses the group) That was the coroner's tech. Sam: And? Dean: Get this -- that whole family, cause of death? Dehydration and starvation. There's no signs of restraint, no v*olence,no struggle. They just sat down and never got up. Bobby: But there was a fully stocked kitchen just yards away. Sam: What is this, a demon att*ck? Bobby: If it is, it's not like anything I ever saw, and I've seen plenty. Dean: Well, what now? What should we do? ISAAC Uh, we'renot gonna do anything. Sam: What do you mean? ISAAC You guys seem nice enough, but this ain't "scooby-doo," and we don't play well with others. Sam: Well, I think we'd cover a lot more ground if we all worked together. ISAAC No offense,but we're not teaming with the damn fools who let the Devil's Gate get opened in the first place. Dean: No offense? TAMARA (admonishing) Isaac. Like you've never made a mistake. ISAAC Oh yeah, yeah. Locked my keys in the car, turned my laundry pink. Never brought on the end of the world,though. Dean: All right. That's enough. Sam: (quietly) Guys,this isn't helping. Dean -- ISAAC Look,there are couple hundred more demons out there now. We don't know where they are, when they'll strike. There ain't enough hunters in the world to handle something like this. You brought w*r down on us -- on all of us. TAMARA (pulling ISAAC away) Okay. that's quite enough testosterone for now. They leave the room. Later, Bobby looks out the window, then shuts the curtains. Out of the darkness beyond the house, a mysterious young woman (whose name we will find out much later is Ruby) steps into the light. She stares at the house, calculating. INT. SHOP - DAY The REDHEADED Man from the Teaser walks into a clothing shop. He approaches a blonde woman. REDHEADED Man Excuse me. Blonde Woman Yes? RHM (he places a hand on her shoulder and nods towards a shoe display across the room) Those are...nice shoes. Blonde (looking) Oh,yeah. They are nice. She approaches the display, where a brunette woman is looking at a pair of green pumps. She stares at them covetously. Blonde Those are nice shoes. BRUNETTE Woman Aren't they? Blonde I want them. BRUNETTE Sorry. Last pair. She takes them and goes to the register; Blonde Woman stares after her intesely. EXT. STORE - DAY The Blonde Woman follows the BRUNETTE Woman, who is now carrying a shopping bag, out to her car. Blonde Woman Excuse me. I want those shoes. BRUNETTE Woman What,are you crazy? No. What? Blonde Woman att*cks, slamming BRUNETTE Woman's head into the windshield of her car. She cracks open her head and blood gushes out of her eye socket, staining the window. Blonde Woman takes the shopping bag and walks off, unconcerned. END ACT ONE EXT. STORE - DAY POLICEMEN are taking forensic evidence at the m*rder scene as Sam watches. He goes into the store. INT. STORE - DAY Dean is chatting up a witness. Dean: What happened outside makes you realize how fragile life really is. You got to make every second count. Sam approaches, clearing his throat. Dean: Excuse me a minute, would you? WITNESS (leaving) Sure. Sam: Dean, what are you doing? Dean: I'm comforting the bereaved. What are you doing? Sam: Workin'. d*ad body, possible demon att*ck -- that kind of stuff. Dean: (coughing pathetically) Sam, I'm sorry. It's just, I don't have much time left,and...got to make every second count. Sam: (chastened) Yeah, right. All right. Sorry. Dean: Apology accepted. Bobby enters - in a suit. His hair is slicked back. Dean and Sam look at him, impressed. Dean: Whoa. (whistles) Looking spiffy, Bobby. What were you,a g-man? Bobby: Attorney for the D.A.'s office. I just spoke to the suspect. Sam: Yeah? so,what do you think? Is she possessed or what? Bobby: Don't think so. There's none of the usual signs -- no blackouts, no loss of control. Totally lucid. Just,she really wanted those shoes. Spilled a glass of holy water on her just to be sure; nothing. Dean: Maybe she's just some random whack job. Bobby: If it had been an isolated incident,maybe, but first the family, now this? I believe in a lot of things. Coincidence ain't one of them. Did you boys find anything around here? Sam: No sulfur,nothing. Dean: Well,maybe something. (he nods to a security camera in the ceiling) See? I'm working. INT. SECURITY ROOM Sam is seated, watching the security footage, as Bobby and Dean hover. Dean: Anything interesting? Sam: I don't know yet. Might just be a guy... (they watch the REDHEADED Man approach the Blonde Woman) Or it might be our guy. EXT. STORE - DAY Sam leaves and walks up the street, hands in his pockets. Ruby (the mysterious young woman who had earlier watched the house) slips onto the street several paces behind him and follows. Sam senses that he's being followed, stops, and turns. She is gone. EXT. BAR - NIGHT Dean and Bobby are staking out a bar, sitting in Bobby's car. Bobby: What time is it? Dean: Seven past midnight. Bobby: You sure this is the right place? Dean: No. But i spent all day canvassing this stupid town with this guy's stupid mug, and,supposedly, he drinks at this stupid bar. There is a loud pounding on the window; Bobby and Dean both jump. It is Sam, who grins at their discomfort and slips into the back seat. Dean: That's not funny! Sam: Yeah. Uh,all right,so -- so, John Doe's name is Walter Rosen. He's from Oak Park, just west of Chicago. Went missing about a week ago. Dean: The night the Devil's Gate opened? Sam: Yeah. Dean: So you think he's possessed? Sam: It's a good bet. So,what,he just walks up to someone,touches them, and they go stark raving psycho? Bobby: Those demons that got out at the gate -- they're gonna do all kinds of things we haven't seen. Sam: You mean the demons we let out? Dean: (seeing something) Guys. REDHEADED Man gets out of his car and walks towards the bar. Dean: All right. Showtime. Bobby: Wait a minute. Dean: What? Bobby: What did I just say? We don't know what to expect out of this guy. We should tail him till we know for sure. Dean: Oh,so he kills someone and we just sit here with our junk in our hands? Bobby: We're no good d*ad! And we're not gonna make a move until we know what the score is. Sam: Hey, Bobby, I don't think that's an option. Bobby: Why not? Sam nods, indicating another car that has just entered the lot: ISAAC and TAMARA get out and head towards the bar. Bobby: Damn it! INT BAR - NIGHT A woman puts a song on the jukebox; the bartender slides a beer towards REDHEADED Man, who is sitting at the bar. At a table, a waitress sets down drinks for ISAAC and TAMARA. ISAAC Thanks a lot. Waitress: You're welcome. ISAAC pulls out a flask of holy water; TAMARA eyes him. REDHEADED Man walks past them towards the bathroom. ISAAC Pull the car in back. We'll be right out. TAMARA I love you. ISAAC I know. As ISAAC heads towards the bathroom, the Bartender grabs his arm and stops him. Bartender: What do you think you're doing? ISAAC I'm just hitting the head. Bartender: No. (He grabs the flask of holy water and tosses it aside) I mean, what do you think you're doing here? (His eyes flash black; TAMARA stands behind ISAAC and they both recoil in fear) I don't like hunters in my bar. The hunters turn to see the Waitress stalking towards them, and see that the rest of the employees and patrons have turned towards them. REDHEADED Man walks back out of the bathroom. He and everyone else in the bar close in around them; all have black demon-eyes. There is a loud pounding on the door and everyone turns towards it. EXT. BAR - NIGHT Bobby and Dean slam themselves against the door, trying to force it open. INT. BAR - NIGHT REDHEADED Man Man, you really walked into the wrong place. END ACT TWO INT. BAR - NIGHT Waitress: Hold on. I like the girl. REDHEADED Man Wish i had me a girl like that. Waitress: I can think of about a thousand things i'd like to do to her. ISAAC You're not gonna lay one filthy finger on her! PLAID-SHIRT-GUY (approaching ISAAC) I got something for you. (he lifts a large bottle of drain cleaner) Here. Have a drink on me, hmm? TAMARA (panicked) Isaac? REDHEADED Man On the house! TAMARA (restrained by the Waitress) Isaac! ISAAC takes the bottle and begins pouring its contents down his throat, as TAMARA screams in the background and the demons cackle wildly. TAMARA Isaac,no! Baby,please! ISAAC drains the bottle, shaking, and drops it to the floor. He gags in agony, foAmy liquid and blood bubbling out through his mouth. He chokes and collapses to the floor, d*ad. REDHEADED Man Oh, he's down! (to TAMARA) All right,honey. Your turn! With a screech of tires, Bobby's car bursts through the front door of the bar. Dean, Sam, and Bobby get out, armed with holy water, which they fling violently into the crowd of demons. They back up and Sam grabs TAMARA, who is still screaming frantically for ISAAC. Sam: Come on,we got to go! He's d*ad! Get in the car! (seeing Dean still immersed in the fight) Dean,come on! Dean has entered combat with the REDHEADED Man; he opens the trunk just as he runs out of holy water; REDHEADED Man grins. Dean overpowers him and stuffs him in the trunk, which is inscribed with a Devil's TRAP. RHM screams. Dean tumbles into the front seat of the car. Dean: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! INT. ISAAC AND TAMARA's - NIGHT RHM is tied to a chair under a Devil's TRAP on the ceiling; in the next room, an argument is ongoing. TAMARA ...and I say we're going back -- now! Sam: Hold on a second. TAMARA I left my husband bloody on the floor! Sam: Okay, I understand that, but we can't go back. TAMARA Fine. Then you stay. But I'm heading back to that bar. Dean: I'll go with her. Sam: It's su1c1de, Dean! Dean: So what? I'm d*ad already! Sam: How you gonna k*ll 'em? Can't sh**t 'em. You can't s*ab 'em. They're not just gonna wait in line to get exorcised! TAMARA I don't care! Sam: We don't even know how many of them there are! Bobby: (entering) Yeah,we do. There's seven. Do you have any idea who we're up against? Dean: No. Who? Bobby: The seven deadly sins, live and in the flesh! Dean: (pauses, grins) "What's in the box?!" (awkward silence) Brad pitt? "Se7en"? No? (Bobby tosses him a book) What's this? Bobby: "Binsfeld's classification of demons." In 1589, Binsfeld ID'd the seven sins -- not just as human vices but as actual devils. Sam: The family -- they were touched by Sloth. And the shopper... Bobby: That's Envy's doing -- the customer we got in the next room. I couldn't suss it out at first, until Isaac. He was touched with an awful Gluttony. TAMARA I don't give a rat's ass if they're the Three Stooges or the Four Tops! I'm gonna slaughter every last one of them! Bobby: We already did it your way. You burst in there half-cocked and look what happened! These demons haven't been topside in half a millennium! We're talking medieval, dark ages! We've never faced anything close to this! So we are gonna take a breath... (shouting) And figure out what our next move is! (quietly) I am sorry for your loss. INT. Demon-HOLDING ROOM ENVY (Chuckling) So you know who I am,huh? Bobby: We do. We're not impressed. Sam: Why are you here? What are you after? Dean: He asked you a question. What do you want? ENVY Chuckles condescendingly; Dean opens a flask of holy water and splashes him. ENVY Ya! ohh! We already have what we want. Dean: What's that? ENVY We're out. We're free. Thanks to you, my kind are everywhere. I am legion, for we are many. So me, I'm just celebrating. Having a little fun. Sam: Fun? ENVY Yeah. Fun. See, some people crochet. Others golf. Me? I like to see people's insides... on their outside. TAMARA I'm gonna put you down like a dog. ENVY Please. (laughs) You really think you're better than me. (laughs) Which one of you can cast the first stone, huh? What about you, Dean? You're practically a walking billboard of gluttony and lust. And Tamara. All that wrath. Ooh. tsk,tsk,tsk. It's the reason you and isaac became hunters in the first place, isn't it? It's so much easier to drink in the rage than to face what really happened all those years ago. Face twisted in anger, TAMARA smacks him, hard, until Dean and Bobby pull her back. ENVY Aah! Whew! (laughs) My point exactly. And you call us sins. We're not sins, man. We are natural human instinct. And you can repress and deny us all you want, but the truth is, you are just animals. Horny... greedy... hungry...violent animals. And you know what? You'll be slaughtered like animals, too. The others -- they're coming for me. Dean: Maybe. But they're not gonna find you... 'cause you'll be in hell. Someone send this clown packing. TAMARA My pleasure. (begins reading) Exorcizamus te, Omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica... As she continues, the others leave and ENVY screams. INT. NEXT ROOM Bobby: I don't think we're gonna have to worry about hunting them. Sam: What does that mean? Bobby: I think maybe this joker's right. They're gonna be hunting us. And they're not gonna quit easy. Dean: You guys, why don't you take Tamara and head for the hills? I'll stay back, slow them down, buy you a little time. Sam: You're insane, Dean. Just forget about it, okay? Bobby: Sam's right. Dean: There's six of them, guys. We're outmanned, we're g*n. We'll be d*ad by dawn. Bobby: Maybe, but there's no place to run that they won't find us. Sam: Look,if we're going down, we're going down together, all right? Dean: Then let's not make it easy for them. From the other room, ENVY gives a final scream; the house shakes and a gust blows out the candles. TAMARA slams the book shut and comes into the other room. TAMARA Demon's out of the guy. Sam: And the guy? TAMARA (coldly) He didn't make it. LATER, Dean is seated on the floor with a row of candles behind him, loading a g*n. Sam is across the room filling flasks with holy water. He looks over at Dean, who is looking back at him. They watch each other silently for a moment until the lights begin to flicker. They look around. An old radio sparks to life, playing a scratchy tune. Dean: (cocking the g*n and standing) Here we go. OUTSIDE, a demon in ISAAC's body approaches. ISAAC Tamara! Tamara! Tamara! Tamara! Help me! please! END ACT THREE EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT ISAAC Tamara! I got away, but I'm hurt bad! I need help! Bobby: (to Tamara) It's not him. It's one of those demons. It's possessing his corpse. He pounds on the door. ISAAC Baby! Why won't you let me in? You left me behind back there. How could you do that? We swore... At that lake in Michigan. Remember? We swore we would never leave each other! TAMARA (sobbing) How did he know that? Bobby: Steady, Tamara. ISAAC You just gonna leave me out here? You just gonna let me die?! I guess that's what you do,dear! Like that night those things came to our house... came for our daughter! You just let her die,too. TAMARA You son of a bitch! Bobby: Tamara,no! She pushes the door open, breaking the salt line, and tackles !Isaac down the steps. She lands on top of him and raises the Palo Santo, TAMARA You're not Isaac! She plunges the wood deep into his chest; it sizzles, and he screams. The other six demons cross the broken salt line and enter the house. One, an overweight middle-aged guy, corners Bobby, who backs up slowly. He stalks Bobby confidently, smiling, until he stops as if he's run into an invisible wall. He looks around, confused. He is under another ceiling-devil's-trap. He looks at Bobby, pleading. Bobby smiles. Bobby: Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son. In another hallway, Dean is cornered by the waitress (LUST). They fight; she advances on him. Meanwhile, Bobby begins reading the exorcism for SLOTH, the demon he has trapped. Bobby: Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus Spiritus, omnis satanica... Dean is backed into the bathroom. Dean: I suppose you're Lust. LUST Baby, I'm whatever you want me to be. Dean: Just stay back. LUST Or what? Dean: Good point. LUST I'm not gonna hurt you -- not yet. Not unless you want me to. She runs a hand along his shoulder; he looks down at her, then falls into her embrace. They kiss passionately. Upstairs, a demon kicks a door in clear across the room. Sam looks around as the demon - a young man in a business suit - enters. BUSINESS SUITED Demon Here's Johnny! He advances confidently as Sam backs up; then stops, holding up a hand to hold back the two demons flanking him. He looks up to the devil's trap on the ceiling and smirks. BSD Come on. You really think something like that is gonna fool so meone like me? I mean, me? Sam: Let me guess -- you're Pride. PRIDE grins and gestures to the ceiling. A long splitting crack appears, desTroying the symbol. PRIDE The root of all sin. And you... are Sam Winchester. That's right. I've heard of you. We've all heard of you. The prodigy. The boy king. Looking at you now, I got to tell you, don't believe the hype. You think i'm gonna bow to a cut-rate, piss-poor human like you? I have my pride, after all. And now with your yellow-eyed friend d*ad, I guess I don't really have to do a damn thing, now do I? You're fair game now, boy, and it's open season. MEANWHILE, in the bathroom, Dean is backing up, still snogging LUST, until he hits a shower curtain. In one move he flips them around, pulls open the shower curtain, and plunges her face-first into the bathtub. It is filled with holy water; she screams in agony. UPSTAIRS, PRIDE knocks Sam to the ground, then pulls him up with an arm wrapped around his throat and begins strangling him. The mysterious young woman (remember her? She whose name might be Ruby?) appears, a Kn*fe strapped to her right thigh. She pulls the Kn*fe out, grits her teeth, and slashes the throat of the first demon (GLUTTONY). Fiery light appears in the cut, and he goes down - d*ad. GREED You! She turns to the SECOND Demon, GREED, who punches her twice, then plunges the Kn*fe upwards into its chin. It also goes down. PRIDE lets Sam go to tackle Ruby; Sam pulls him away and punches him in the face, putting him right into the path of Ruby's Kn*fe. She plunges it upward into his chin, and he collapses in a shower of sparks and demonic energy. Sam: Who the hell are you? Ruby: I'm the girl that just saved your ass. Sam: Well, I just saved yours,too. Ruby: (Chuckles) See you around, Sam. Sam: Wait! He goes into the hall to follow her, but she is already gone. END ACT FOUR EXT. HOUSE - DAY The next morning, Sam and Dean pile the corpses of the demons that didn't survive into a shallow pit and begin pouring salt and fuel over them. Several yards away, TAMARA is standing in front of another pyre: ISAAC's. Sam: Think she's gonna be all right? Dean: No. Definitely not. Bobby comes out of the house, looking exhausted. Dean: Well,you look like hell warmed over. Bobby: You try exorcising all night and see how you feel. Sam: Any survivors, Bobby? Bobby: Well,the pretty girl and the heavy guy, they'll make it. Lifetime of therapy bills ahead,but,still... Dean: That's more than you can say for these poor bastards. Sam: Bobby, that Kn*fe -- what kind of blade can k*ll a demon? Bobby: Yesterday, I would have said there was no such thing. Dean: I'm just gonna ask it again -- who was that masked chick? Actually, the more troubling question would be, "how come a girl can fight better than you?" Sam: Three demons, Dean. At once. Dean: Hey,whatever it takes to get you through the night, pal. Sam: Yeah, well, if you want a troubling question, I got one for you. Dean: What's that? Sam: If we let out the seven deadly sins, what else did we let out? Dean: You're right. That is troubling. Dean lights a matchbook and tosses it onto the pyre. LATER, the bonfires have settled down and they prepare to leave. TAMARA See you gents around. Bobby: Tamara? The world just got a lot scarier. Be careful. TAMARA You too. She gets in her car and takes off. Bobby: Keep your eyes peeled for omens. I'll do the Same. Dean: You got it. Sam: Wait, Bobby. We can win this w*r, right? Bobby: (after a pause, not answering the question) Catch you on the next one. Dean: So, where to? Sam: Uh, I don't know. I was thinking Louisiana maybe. Dean: Little early for Mardi Gras, isn't it? Sam: Yeah. Listen, I was talking to Tamara, and she mentioned this hoodoo priestess outside of Shreveport that might be able to help us out. You know, with your -- with your demon deal. Dean: Nah. Sam: "Nah"? What does that mean,"nah"? Dean: Sam, no hoodoo spell's gonna break this deal. It's a goose chase. Sam: We don't know that. Dean: Yes, we do. Forget it. She can't help. We're not going, and that's that. What about Reno, huh? Sam: You know what? I've had it. I've been bending over backwards trying to be nice to you, and...I don't care anymore. Dean: That didn't last long. Sam: Yeah, well, you know what? I've been busting my ass trying to keep you alive, Dean, and you act like you couldn't care less. What, you got some kind of death wish or something? Dean: It's not like that. Sam: Then what's it like,Dean? Dean: Sam -- Sam: Please, tell me. Dean: We trap the crossroads demon, trick it, try to welch our way out of the deal in any way? You die. Okay? You die. Those are the terms. There's no way out of it. If you try to find a way, so help me god, I'm gonna stop you. Sam: (sighs) How could you make that deal, Dean? Dean: 'Cause I couldn't live with you d*ad. Couldn't do it. Sam: So, what, now I live and you die? Dean: That's the general idea, yeah. Sam: Yeah,well, you're a hypocrite, Dean. How did you feel when dad sold his soul for you? 'Cause I was there. I remember. You were twisted and broken. And now you go and do the Same thing. To me. What you did was selfish. Dean: Yeah,you're right. It was selfish. But I'm okay with that. Sam: I'm not. Dean: Tough. After everything I've done for this family, I think i'm entitled. Truth is, I'm tired, Sam. I don't know, it's like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Sam: It's hellfire, Dean. Dean: Whatever. You're alive, I feel good -- for the first time in a long time. I got a year to live, Sam. I'd like to make the most of it. So what do you say we k*ll some evil sons of bitches and we raise a little hell, huh? Sam: You're unbelievable. Dean: Very true. END EPISODE

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "03x01 - The Magnificent Seven"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 11 Oct 2007 EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - NIGHT A young mother is standing outside her house with a mix of worry and impatience. A car pulls up into the driveway; a girl of about ten years steps out, as does her father. Mom: Thanks for driving her back here. Dad: It's not like I had a choice. She pitched a fit. Mom: (to the girl, who is hugging her tightly) Hey,sweetie. What's wrong? Girl: Nothing. i missed you. Mom: Okay, but tonight's your dad's night. Girl: No. I don't like Dad's night. I don't want Dad to have a night anymore. Mom: Since when? You used to love going to your dad's house. You know, he loves you, and he misses you a lot. Girl: But I hate it there! Mom: You don't hate it. Girl: Yes, I do! He's mean, and there are monsters there. I don't w-want to go back. Please don't let the monsters get me. Mom: Okay, sweetie. Okay. She guides the girl back into the house, and the man leaves. INT. Man's WORKROOM - NIGHT The little girl's father is in his workroom; there are wood-carved object sitting about, and one of those circular table saws you really don't want to see show up in a horror movie. He prepares to leave, and as he's shutting off the lights by the door, the table saw turns itself on. Curious, he approaches it, crouching down at table-height to shut it off. As he starts to leave a second time, the saw turns on again. This time he is less careful as he approaches, he trips and falls on the saw and dies a horrible gruesome death. END Teaser INT. DINER - NIGHT Sam is sitting at a table in a generic Diner, working on his laptop and talking on his phone. Dean is nowhere to be seen. Sam seems a bit frantic. Sam: What do you mean you don't think it will work, Bobby? It's a demon-dispelling ritual. (pause) Well,maybe we got the translation wrong. Look,we can't just let Dean fry in hell while we... there's got to be something (he sees Dean approaching) Yeah. No. I gotta go. Okay. Never mind. Dean enters, looking suspiciously at Sam. Dean: Hey. Who was that? Sam: (awkwardly) I was just ordering pizza. Dean: (looking around) Dude,you do realize that you're in a restaurant? Sam: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I just felt like pizza, you know? Dean: (sitting) Okay, Weirdy Mcweirderton. So, I think I got something. Sam: Yeah? Dean: Cicero, Indiana. Falls on his own power saw. Sam: And? That, that's it? One power saw? Dean: Well...yeah. Sam: And you think that this is a case? Dean: Well, I don't know. Could be. Sam: I don't know, Dean. Dean: Okay, there's something better in Cicero than just a case. Sam: And that is? Dean: Lisa Braeden. Sam: Should I even ask? Dean: Remember that road trip I took, uh... gosh,about eight years ago now? You were in Orlando with dad wrapping up that banshee thing. Sam: Yeah. The five states, five-day -- Dean: Well, kind of. Although I spent most of my time in Lisa Braeden's loft. Sam: So let me get this straight. You want to drive all the way to Cicero just to hook up with some random chick? Dean: She was a yoga teacher. It was the bendiest weekend of my life. Come on. have a heart,huh? It's my dying wish. Sam: How many dying wishes are you gonna get? Dean: As many as I can squeeze out. Come on. Smile, Sam! God knows I'm gonna be smiling after 24 hours with Gumby girl. (Chuckles to himself) Gumby girl. (he frowns) Does that make me Pokey? EXT. MOTEL - DAY Pulling up outside a motel in Cicero, Indiana, Dean stops to let Sam out. Dean: Don't wait up for me,Sammy. Sam: Wait, Dean. Dean, you... Dean! Dean drives off EXT. Lisa's HOUSE - DAY Outside a nicely kept suburban house, Dean rings the doorbell. The door opens to reveal Lisa: late twenties, brunette, very fit; she is gorgeous. Dean smiles awkwardly, Lisa stares at him in surprise. Dean: Lisa. How's it going? Wow. So, how long has it been? Lisa: Eight, going on nine years now. Dean: Crazy,right? Lisa: Yeah. So, what are you doing here? Dean: Oh, I was just passing through, and I couldn't resist. I remember that you love surprises. Lisa: Yeah. Dean Winchester. Wow. Just...wow. I'm -- I'm sorry. You kind of came at a bad time. We're having a party. Dean: A party? Well, I love parties. He nudges past her and enters the house; she takes a deep breath and shuts the door behind them. She leads him into the backyward, which is decorated for a kid's birthday party. Dean: So, uh, who's the party for? Lisa: Ben. My son. Dean: Oh. you have a -- Lisa: Yep. She gestures across the yard to a young boy wearing a black jacket and jeans. He is opening presents. Lisa: That's him. BEN Yes! AC/DC rules! Dean: How old-- Lisa: Eight. (she sees the Mom from the teaser enter the yard) Oh, Dean, could you excuse me a minute? Dean: (stunned) Yeah, sure. Don't mind me. Two women are sitting in lawn chairs, watching Dean pace awkwardly. They're whispering to each in gossiping tones. WOMAN1 Did you hear Lisa call him "Dean"? WOMAN2 Yeah. Why? WOMAN1 You don't know about Dean? The Dean. Best-night-of-my-life Dean. WOMAN2 No. Tell me. WOMAN1 Oh, my god, so,they had this crazy, semi-illegal -- She cuts off as she sees Dean approach. Dean: Hi. WOMAN2 Hi. WOMAN1 Hello. Dean looks very uncomfortable, smiles nervously, and flees. He finds BEN and a piece of cake. Dean: What's up? BEN What's up with you? Dean: So,it's your birthday. BEN Guilty. Dean: It's a cool party. BEN Dude, it's so freakin' sweet. And this moon bounce --it's epic. Dean: (slightly weirded out) Yeah. It's pretty awesome. BEN You know who else thinks they're awesome? Chicks. It's like hot-chick city out there. A woman and her little girl walk by; in unison, Dean checks out the mom as BEN checks out the girl. Dean looks back, looks at BEN, thinks frantically, then darts inside the house. INT. KITCHEN - DAY Lisa is talking to the Mom, who is looking very frazzled. Lisa: So...how you holding up? Mom: Fine. Lisa: Really? Mom: Oh,you know. I just... never mind. Lisa: What? Mom: It's just... I'm worried about Katie. I think there might be something...wrong with her. Lisa: Of course there is. The poor girl just lost her dad. She's devastated. Mom: No. That's not what I'm talking about. There is something really... wrong with her. I'm not sure that katie is...katie. Lisa: What? Mom: I'm not sure that's my daughter. Lisa: I know you're grieving, but you can't talk like that. Katie needs you.but you don't understand -- seriously. we're gonna get you help. It'll be okay. As Dean enters, the Mom shakes her head, runs outside to her daughter. Dean watches her leave, confused. Mom: (outside) Katie? Come on,we're leaving. Dean: So, I, uh, met Ben. Cool kid. Lisa: Yeah. Dean: I couldn't help but notice that, uh, he's turning eight. You and me...you know. Lisa: You're... not trying to ask me if he's yours? Dean: No. No, of course not. (b*at) He's not, is he? Lisa: What? (he raises his eyebrows) No. Dean: Right. (looking out at Katie and her Mom) Something wrong with your friend? Lisa: She's been through a lot. Her ex just died in this horrible accident. Dean: Oh, yeah. Didn't I just read about that? The power saw. Lisa: Yeah. Guess there's been a lot of bad luck in the neighborhood lately. Dean: What kind of bad luck? INT. DINER - DAY Sam is sitting along in a diner again, again with his laptop open. A young woman sits down across from him: it is Creepy Stalker Girl from last week (let's call her Ruby for simplicity). Ruby: Hello, Sam. END ACT ONE INT. DINER - DAY Sam: You've been following me since Lincoln. Ruby: Not much gets by you, huh? (she takes a plate, squirts a mound of ketchup into it, and starts eating his fries) These are amazing. it's like deep-fried crack. Try some. Sam: That Kn*fe you had. You can k*ll demons with that thing? Ruby: Sure comes in handy when I have to swoop in and save the damsel in distress. Sam: Where did you get it? Ruby: Skymall. Sam: Why are you following me? Ruby: I'm interested in you. Sam: Why? Ruby: Because you're tall. And I love a tall man. And then there's the whole antichrist thing. Sam: Excuse me? Ruby: Generation of psychic kids, yellow-eyed demon rounds you up, celebrity death match ensues. You're the sole survivor. Sam: How do you know about that? Ruby: I'm a good hunter. So,yellow eyes had some pretty big plans for you, Sam. Sam: "Had" being the key word. Ruby: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Ding-dong, the demon's d*ad. Good job with that. It doesn't change the fact that you're special... in that Anthony Michael Hall E.S.P. visions kind of way. Sam: (firmly) No. That's stuff's not happening anymore. Not since Yellow-Eyes died. Ruby: Well, I'm thinking you're still a pretty big deal. I mean, after all that business with your mom. Sam: What about my mom? Ruby: You know, what happened to her friends. (off his attempted poker face) You... don't know. You've got a little bit of catching up to do, my friend. So, why don't you look into your mom's pals, and then give me a call and we'll talk again? (she gets up to leave) And, by the way, you do know there's a job in this town,right? INT MOTEL ROOM - DAY Sam: Hello. Dean: Dude, there is a job here. Sam: Really? Dean: Yeah. You know that one freak accident we read about in the paper? There's four more that never even made the paper, all in this Morning Hill gated community. People falling off of ladders and drowning in their jacuzzis all over the neighborhood. Sam: That is weird. Dean: Yeah, something's up. Something these nice, big gates can't protect them from. INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - NIGHT Katie's Mom is dozing, with the book The Historian on the pillow. Mom: Katie. What are you doing? Katie: Play with me, mommy. Mom: Okay. Sure. Yeah let's, um, let's play. Katie: Oh, good. I love you, mommy. Mom: I love you too, sweetie. Katie: I'm hungry, mommy. Mom: Yeah. EXT. ANOTHER SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY Sam, dressed in a dark suit and posing as an insurance agent, is speaking to another young mother. Sam: So,once again, I'm very sorry to disturb you. We just really want to expedite that life-insurance policy. MOTHER Of course. Okay. (she takes him around back, where a ladder leans against the wall) This is, um, where he fell. Sam: I see. Now, how exactly did he -- MOTHER He was just inside changing a light bulb. Must have lost his balance. Sam: Were you here when this happened? MOTHER No. I was out. Uh,the only one here was our daughter, Dakota. She gestures inside, where a Creepy Little Girl is looking out at them. Something dark red is smudged on the window. Sam: Okay. Okay. well, uh, I think that's all I need. I'll get out of your way now. MOTHER Thank you. She turns and goes up the steps with Sam behind her. He sees a strange bruise on the back of her neck. INT. Katie's HOUSE - DAY Katie: Thank you,mommy. Mom: You eat. Mommy will be right back. Frazzled almost to the point of breaking, Katie's Mom enters the bathroom and shuts the door. She leans over the sink. Katie: (pounding on the door) Mommy? MOMMY Just -- just give mommy a second. Katie: Let me in. Mommy! Let me in. Mommy! Let me in! What are you doing?! Let me in! Let me in! Let me in! Let me in! Let me in! Let me in! Mom: Give mommy a minute. The pounding and rattling continue to build, until it stops suddenly. Mom goes out to the front door, where a middle-aged woman is holding out a gift basket. Woman: Aren't you just the cutest thing? Mom: (taking the basket) Oh, thank you. Uh, Katie, could you put these in the kitchen, please? Katie takes the basket and goes to the kitchen. Woman: Katie seems okay, considering. Mom: She's fine. Yeah. Um, look, I'm -- Woman: And you -- how are you doing really? Mom: I'm fine. look, we're fine. Um,this isn't a good time. Woman: I wasn't sure if you were keeping the house or selling. We at Cicero Realty would like -- Mom: Look, I told you, it's not a good time! She shuts the door and goes back into the kitchen, where Katie greets her. Katie: I want ice cream. Mommy. Ice cream, please. END ACT TWO EXT. PARK - DAY BEN is sitting sadly on a park bench. Dean sees him, goes over and sits next to him. Dean: Hey, Ben. BEN Hey. You were at my party. Dean: Yeah. Yeah, I'm Dean. Everything okay? Something wrong? (he looks over to a group of boys that are playing with a gameboy-type thing) Is that your game they're playing with? BEN Ryan Humphrey borrowed it, and now he won't give it back. Dean: Well,you want me to go... BEN No! Don't go over there! Only bitches send a grown-up. Dean: You're not wrong. BEN And I'm not a bitch. Dean: Is that Humphrey? The one that needs to lay off the burgers? BEN nods, smiling slightly. Dean leans in conspiratorily. CUT TO: BEN walks across the park to the group of boys. They are all bigger than he. BEN Ryan. I'd like my game back, please. RYAN (thr*at) Fine. Take it back. BEN looks back at Dean, nervous; Dean gives him an encouraging thumbs-up. BEN looks back at RYAN, then turns as if to leave. RYAN See? Told you guys he was a-- RYAN cuts off as BEN turns back suddenly and kicks RYAN hard between the legs. RYAN crumples to the ground, and BEN takes the game back. He goes back to the bench and a grinning Dean. BEN Thanks. Dude,that was awesome! Lisa: (who has seen the end of the exchange) Benjamin Isaac Braeden! What's gotten into you? BEN He stole my game. Lisa: So you kick him? Since when is... (she looks at Dean, who is still grinning) Did you tell my son to b*at up that kid? Dean: What? Somebody had to teach him how to kick the bully in the nads Lisa: Who asked you to teach him anything? Dean: Just relax. Lisa: What are you even still doing here? We had one weekend together a million years ago. You don't know me. You have no business with my son. Dean: Lisa. Lisa: Just leave us alone. She and BEN begin to leave, but BEN pulls out of her grip and runs back to give Dean an impulsive hug. Lisa: Ben! BEN Thanks. He runs back to Lisa and they leave. INT. Katie&Mom's CAR - NIGHT Mom is strapping Katie into her car seat, which is made difficult by the fact that Katie keeps touching and petting her. Katie: I love you most in the whole wide world, mommy. Mom: Um, me too, sweetie. Come on,hold still. She checks the mirror and sees a monster in the backseat. She turns around to look but Katie looks normal. Katie: What's wrong,mommy? Mom: Nothing,sweetie. Katie: Are we going for ice cream now? Mom: Yeah, we're going for ice cream. Mom finishes strapping Katie in, and gets in the driver's seat. She drives the car to the edge of a lake, gets out, and rolls the car in. Katie turns and watches Mom as she goes down. Mom returns home and goes inside, slamming and locking the door behind her. In the kitchen, seated over a puddle of water, is Katie. She is dripping wet. Katie: Can I have the ice cream now? END ACT THREE INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Sam is at his computer, doing research. Dean enters. Dean: Something's wrong with the kids in this town. Sam: Yeah. Tell me about it. (he is looking at several documents on Changelings) So, what do you know about changelings? Dean: Evil monster babies? Sam: No, not necessarily babies. Dean: (realizing) The kids. Creepy, "stare at you like you're lunch" kids? Sam: Yeah. There's one at every victim's house. LATER, Sam is seated on the bed doing more research, as Dean prepares a keRosene torch. Sam: So, changelings can perfectly mimic children. According to lore, they climb in the window, snatch the kid. There were marks on the windowsill at one of the kid's houses. Looked to me like blood. They continue talking in voice-over as the scene shifts to Katie's house. Mom is asleep, with a bottle of pills on the bedside table. Katie stares at Mom, brushes back the hair from her neck to reveal an 'odd bruise'. Her face morphs to look kind of like the flukeman from X-Files, and she leans in to Mom's neck. Dean(V.O): The changeling grabs a kid, assumes its form, joins the happy fam just for kicks? Sam: Not quite. Changelings feed on the mom: synovial fluid. The moms have these odd bruises on the back of their necks. Changelings can drain them for a few weeks before mom finally croaks. Dean: And then there's dad and the babysitter Sam: Yeah. Seems like anyone who gets between the changeling and its food source ends up d*ad. Dean: (holding up the torch) And f*re's the only way to waste them? (Sam nods) Great. We'll just bust in, drag the kids out, torch them on the front lawn. That will play great with the neighbors. What about the real ones? What happens to them? Sam: They stash them underground somewhere. I don't know why, but if it's true, the real kids might be out there. Dean: We better start looking. (b*at) So, any kid in the neighborhood is vulnerable? Sam: Yep. Dean: We gotta make a stop. I want to check on someone. Sam: If the real kids are still alive, we don't have time Dean: We have to. EXT. Lisa's HOUSE - NIGHT Dean rings the doorbell, and Lisa opens the door looking bewildered Lisa: Dean? Dean: I was thinking... Ben's birthday. I didn't bring him a present. Lisa: That's okay. Dean: No. No, no, I feel terrible, so,uh... (hands her a credit card) Here. Take a long weekend -- just the two of you -- on me. Lisa: What? Dean: I hear Six Flags is great this time of year. Go now. avoid the traffic. Lisa: (reading the name on the card) "Siegfried Houdini." Whose card is this? Dean: Mine. Never mind. It'll work. I promise. Lisa: You should leave. Dean: Lisa... BEN (coming down the stairs) Mommy,what's wrong? Dean: Nothing,Ben. It's cool. BEN Make him go away, mommy. Lisa: You heard him. Get out. Dean: Lisa... I don't think this is a good idea. Lisa: Get out! Dean: They took Ben. He's changed. Sam: What?! Are you sure? Dean: Yeah, I'm sure. I checked his windowsill. Sam: Blood? Dean: I don't think it is blood, and I think I know where the kids are. EXT. HOUSE-UNDER-CONSTRUCTION - NIGHT There's a large mound of dirt outside the semi-finished home. Sam inspects it. Sam: Red dirt. Dean: That's what was on the window. You take the front. I'll go around. INT. HOUSE - NIGHT Inside, Dean finds a series of cages, each containing abducted kids. He sees BEN. Dean: Ben..Ben...it's okay. I'm gonna get you out of here. In the back, the Real Estate Woman sees Sam. Woman: What do you think you're doing? This is private property. I'm calling the police. You heard me! Get out! Sam: (reaching for his bag) Let me get my bag. I'm going. I don't mean to cause any trouble. INT. Lisa's HOUSE - NIGHT BEN starts acting like a Creepy Child, standing stiff-armed in the living room. BEN Mommy? Lisa: Ben... BEN Play with me. Lisa: This isn't funny anymore. I put you to bed three times. BEN (hugging her) I don't want to go to bed. I want to be with you,mommy. Lisa: That's sweet,hon. Come on. Let's go. All right, come on. BEN I'm hungry. Lisa: Mini pizzas okay? Deluxe is all we've got. BEN Okay. Lisa: (turning away) That's funny -- I thought we were anti-olives this month. She looks down and sees BEN's reflection in the glass table; it has the icky flukeman face. She gasps. INT. HOUSE-UNDER-CONSTRUCTION - NIGHT Dean: (helping the kids out) It's ok. Get out here, okay? Come on, girls! Come on! (he clears off a windowsill and prepares to smash the glass) Everybody back! Everybody back! (BEN helps to usher the other kids away) Cover your eyes! He breaks the window with a plank of wood, and begins to brush the glass off. BEN (takes off his jacket) Here. Use this. Dean: All right. All right, Ben. Come on. BEN (indicating another kid) Him first. Sam: (running in) Hey! Dean! There's a mother. Dean: A mother changeling? Sam: We got to get these kids out quick. Dean: Right there. There's one more. You got to break the lock! Sam: I guess that's why the changelings are keeping the kids alive --so the mom can snack on them. INT. Lisa's HOUSE - NIGHT BEN What's wrong, mommy? Lisa: You're not my son. BEN Yes, I am. Lisa: Where's Ben? BEN I'm Ben. I love you,mommy. Lisa runs out the front door, grabbing her keys along the way. On the front lawn, a line of Creepy Kids has formed, blocking her exit. She runs back inside. BEN They don't want you to leave me, mommy. INT. Katie's HOUSE - NIGHT Katie's Mom is in the bathroom again, huddled on the floor, as !Katie screams and pounds at the door. Katie: Mommy? Mommy? Let me in! What are you doing?! Let me in! Let me in! Let me in! let me in! INT. HOUSE-UNDER-CONSTRUCTION - NIGHT Dean: Ben, get them out of here! BEN helps the other kids up and out the window as Dean and Sam confront the Changeling Mom. Eventually they burn her to a crisp with Dean's homemade torch; as she goes up in flames, !BEN, !Katie, and all the other changeling kids, also disappear. EXT. Lisa's HOUSE - DAY Dean and Sam drive BEN back home; he runs out to hug his mom. Lisa: Ben?! Ben! Baby,are you okay? BEN I'm okay, mom. Lisa: Oh, my god. What the hell just happened? Dean: I'll explain everything if you want me to, but,trust me, you probably don't. the important thing is that Ben's safe. Lisa: Thank you. Thank you. Sam: I'm gonna give you guys some time. INT. Lisa's HOUSE - DAY BEN is sitting at the kitchen table, listening to something on his portable CD player. Dean and Lisa talk in the hallway. Lisa: Come on. Changelings? Dean: You know how I never mentioned my job? This is my job. Lisa: I so didn't want to know that. (looking at BEN) Do you think he'll be okay? Dean: Yeah. I think he'll be fine. (b*at) Okay. Seriously... I mean, you're a hundred percent sure that he is not mine, right? Lisa: (smiling) You're off the hook. I did a blood test when he was a baby. There was this guy -- some bar back in a biker joint. (off Dean's look) What? I had a type. Leather jacket, couple of scars, no mailing address? I was there. Guess I was a little wild back then. Before I became a mom. So yeah. You can relax. Dean: Good. He looks at BEN a little wistfully Lisa: I... I swear you look disappointed. Dean: Yeah, I don't know. It's weird, you know your life... I mean, this house and a kid... it's not my life. Never will be. Some stuff happened to me recently, and, uh... anyway,a guy in my situation -- you start to think, you know. I'm gonna be gone one day, and what am I leaving behind besides a car? I don't know. Lisa: Ben may not be your kid, but he wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you. That's a lot if you ask me. Dean: You know, just for the record... you got a great kid. I would have been proud to be his dad. She kisses him. Lisa: Look, if, um... if you want to stick around for a while... you're welcome to stay. Dean: (wistful pause) I can't. I got a lot of work to do, and it's not my life. INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY This sequence follows Sam in jump-cuts as he talks to several different people on the phone, while systematically crossing names off a list. Sam: Hi. I needed to check some facts with your, uh... with your secretary about a f*re that occurred on November 24, 2006 in Lawrence, Kansas. Hardecker was his name. Okay. great. I was just trying to find out the date he died. This is police chief Phil Jones. July 13th. Can you check the records for a Robert Campbell? July 19, 2001. d*ad on arrival. What I'm after is cause of death. Heart condition? Wasn't he a cardiac surgeon? Wouldn't he have known about that? I'm looking for information on... on Mrs. Wallace's death. Two deaths. Who was the other? Ed Campbell. Any survivors? No,that's all I needed. Thank you very much. He flops down on the bed, head in his hands. Sam: Oh,my god. LATER, in another room. About halfway through Sam's first statement it's revealed that he's speaking to Ruby. Sam: They're d*ad. All of them. All of my mom's friends. Her Doctor, Her uncle -- everyone who ever knew her, systematically wiped off the map one at a time. Someone went through a hell of a lot of trouble Trying to cover their tracks. Ruby: The yellow-eyed demon. Sam: So, what's your deal? You show up wherever I am. You know all about me. You know all about my mom. Ruby: I already told you. I'm -- Sam: Oh, right, right. Yeah. Just a hunter. Just some hunter who happens to know more about my own family than I do. Just tell me who you are. Ruby: Sam, it -- Sam: Just...tell me who you are. Ruby: It doesn't matter. Sam: (shouting in her face) Just tell me who you are! Ruby: Fine. She blinks her eyes once and they go demon-black; she blinks again and they become normal. Sam backs up, fumbling in his bag. Ruby: Think twice before going for that holy water. Sam: (pulling out a flask and holding it out) Give me one reason I should. Ruby: I'm here to help you, Sam. Sam: Is this some kind of joke? Ruby: God's honest truth... or whatever. Sam: You're a demon. Ruby: Don't be such a r*cist. I'm here because I want to help you. And I can if you trust me. Sam: Trust you? Ruby: Sam, calm down. Sam: Start talking. All those m*rder... what was the demon trying to cover up? Ruby: I don't know. Sam: What happened to my mother? Ruby: I honestly don't know. That's what i'm trying to find out. All I know is that it's about you. Sam: What? Ruby: Don't you get it, Sam? Ruby: It's all about you. What happened to your mom, what happened to her friends. They're trying to cover up what he did to you. And I want to help you figure it out. Sam: Why would you want to help me? Ruby: I have my reasons. Not all demons are the Same, Sam. Not all of us want the Same thing. Me? I want to help you from time to time. That's all. And if you let me, there's something in it for you. Sam: What could you possibly-- Ruby: I could help you save your brother. END EPISODE

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "03x02 - The Kids Are Alright"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 18 Oct 2007 EXT. PRISON - DAY INT. PRISON - DAY KUBRICK is being swiped down with a metal detector, before he enters the prison visitors area. He sits down in front of Gordon WALKER and picks up the two-way phone. KUBRIK It's true. A Devil's Gate was opened in Wyoming. Big. St Helen's big. KUBRIK There's no solid fix on how many demons got out, but it's in the hundreds. An army. Gordon: Sam Winchester was there, wasn't he? KUBRIK Talked to a guy who knows a guy who knows Bobby Singer, and yeah it looks like the Winchesters were at ground zero when the gate was popped, but Singer said they went in there to stop it. Gordon: Uh uh, Bobby's edge ain't what it used to be. Sam could have him believing anything by now. KUBRIK Listen Gordon, as far as talk goes, Sam Winchester checks out. He's a hunter, that's all. Gordon: That's all? KUBRICK nods. Gordon: (Laughs) Kubrick, I'm not even sure he's human. KUBRICK laughs nervously. Gordon: You think I'm crazy? I told you there was a w*r coming, six months ago. Take a look around. It's here. Now I'm telling you this boy is a part of it. Track him down, Kubrick. You'll come to see it too. Sam Winchester must die. Gordon hangs up the phone. END OF Teaser EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT The Impala is travelling along a quiet, dark road. Sam and Dean are arguing. INT. Impala - NIGHT Dean: Because Demon, that's why, I mean the second you find out this Ruby chick is a Demon you go for the Holy water, you don't chat! Sam: No one was chatting, Dean. Dean: Oh yeah? Then why didn't you send her ass back to Hell? Sam: Because- Because she said she might be able to help us out. Dean: How? Sam pauses. Dean: No really, Sam, how? How could she possibly help us? Sam: She told me she could help you, OK? Dean looks incredulous. Sam: Help you out of the crossroad deal. Dean: What is wrong with you, huh? She lying, you gotta know that, don't you? She knows what your weakness is, it's me. (Pause) What else did she say? Sam is silent. Dean: Dude? Sam: Nothing. (Pause) Nothing, OK?! Look I'm not an idiot Dean, I'm not talking about trusting her, I'm talking about using her. I mean we're at w*r, right? And we don't know jack about the enemy; we don't know where they are, we don't know what they're doing. I mean, Hell, we don't know what they want. Now this Ruby girl knows more than we will ever find out on our own. Now yes, it's a risk, I know that, but we need to take it. Dean: You're OK right, I mean you're feeling OK? Sam: Yes I'm fine, Why are you always asking me that? A phone starts ringing. Sam reaches for his own. Sam: It's not mine. Dean goes for his. Dean: Nope. (Pause) Check the glove compartment, it's Dad's. Sam: Dad's? Dean: Yes, I keep it charged up in case any of his old contacts call. Sam opens the glove compartment, finds John's phone and answers it. Sam: Hello? Yes... this is Edgar Cayce... No, no, no, no, don't- don't call the police, I'll handle this myself. Thanks. You know, can you just uh, can you just lock it back up for me? Great. Uhm, I- I uh, I don't have my- my book in front of me, (gestures to Dean for a pen) do you- do you have the address so I can...Sure, OK. Go ahead. Right, thanks a lot. Sam ends the call. Sam: Dad ever tell you he kept a container at a storage place? Dean: What? Sam: Outside of Buffalo? Dean: No way. Sam: Yeah. And someone just broke into it. EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT EXT. KUBRICK's RV AND CREEDY's PICKUP - DAY INT. RV - DAY KUBRICK and fellow Hunter CREEDY are cleaning and checking w*apon inside the RV. CREEDY So you got no hard evidence on this Sam Winchester guy, you're just working off Gordon's instincts? KUBRIK You ever hunt with Gordon? CREEDY No. I heard he's good. KUBRIK Good? (Laughs) He's the best, saved my ass more times than I can count. So if he says Sam Winchester's dangerous, I believe him. CREEDY He's gonna be covering his tracks. Won't be easy to find. KUBRIK Last I got puts him in Nebraska three weeks back. CREEDY Not exactly a fresh lead. KUBRIK He ain't invisible, Creedy. Some Hunter out there knows something. So we start calling out contacts. All we need is one break. KUBRICK gets up from the table and looks over at CREEDY, who has taken something out of an overhead cupboard and is fiddling with it. KUBRIK Don't play with my Jesus. EXT. STORAGE FACILITY - DAY INT. STORAGE FACILITY ELEVATOR Dean: Man... Sam: What? Dean: Just Dad. You know him and his secrets. Spend all this time with the guy and it's like we barely even know the man. Sam: Well, we're about to learn something. Sam and Dean exit the elevator and find the storage container. Dean unlocks the padlock and opens the sliding door, both brothers with flashlights at the ready. On the dusty floor of the container is a symbol drawn in red, along with several bloody footprints. INT. STORAGE CONTAINER Sam: No Demons allowed. Dean: Blood. Check this out. Dean hold up a tripwire which is attached to a g*n hidden in a large animal skull. Sam: Whoever broke in here got tagged. Dean: Dear old Dad. I got two sets of boot treads here, looks like it was a two-man job. And our friend with the buckshot in him looks like he kept walking. Sam: So what's the deal? Dad would do work here or something? Dean: Living the high life, as usual. Sam and Dean venture further inside. Dean aims his flashlight on the skull and shakes his head. Sam looks over a desk while Dean picks up a trophy from a shelf, scraping the dust off. Dean: 1995 Sam: No way! That's my Division Championship soccer trophy. I can't believe he kept this. Dean: Yeah... About the closest you ever came to being a boy. Oh, wow! It's my first sawed-off. I made it myself. 6th Grade. Dean Laughs and pumps the g*n. Sam moves further into the container and opens a door to a back room. The chain on the door has been cut. Sam and Dean enter and pass their flashlights over the scene. Dean: Holy crap. Look at this, he had land mines... Which they didn't take. Or the g*n. I guess they knew what they were after, huh? Sam spots boxes inscribed with symbols on a far shelf. Sam: Hey Dean, check this out. See these symbols? That's binding magic. These are curse boxes. Dean: Curse boxes? They're supposed to keep the evil mojo in right, kinda like the Pandora deal? Sam: Yeah, yeah, they're built to contain the power of the cursed object. Dean: Well Dad's journal didn't mention a whole bunch of stuff, you know? Dangerous hexed items, fetishes, he never did say where they ended up. Sam: No, then this must be his toxic waste dump. One box is missing... Great. Dean: Well maybe they didn't open it. INT. WAYNE AND GROSSMAN's APARTMENT - DAY GROSSMAN Come on man, let's open it. WAYNE Shut up about the damn box! Inside the apartment of petty thieves WAYNE and GROSSMAN, WAYNE is sitting on the couch, his left shoulder bleeding from a g*n wound. The missing curse box is on a coffee table. WAYNE Do you see what's happening here? I am literally bleeding to death! GROSSMAN Uh, I'm gonna open it. WAYNE Grossman! GROSSMAN Look what if this is really worth something? What, we should just hand it over to her? Hey, we took all the risk. Hell, Wayne. You got sh*t. And all for a lousy few hundred bucks. Now we could make more selling whatever it is ourselves. GROSSMAN breaks open the lock on the box with a Kn*fe and lifts the lid. WAYNE gets up from the couch to see what's inside. GROSSMAN Huh? WAYNE Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?! WAYNE picks up the object in the box. WAYNE It's a rabbit's foot- It's a rabbit's foot Grossman! I'm gonna die for a damn rabbit's foot. WAYNE and GROSSMAN are interrupted by banging on the front door. WAYNE Oh great, now what? WAYNE slams the rabbit's foot down on the table while GROSSMAN answers the door. GROSSMAN Oh, hey Foster. FOSTER Hey, listen guys not to be a drag or nothing but it's six o'clock in the morning! GROSSMAN Right.. FOSTER Can't you keep it down?! GROSSMAN No we... Just got a situation here is all, sorry. FOSTER (to WAYNE) What the hell happened to you? WAYNE g*n happened to me. FOSTER walks over to WAYNE before turning back to GROSSMAN. FOSTER Hey Grossman? Under my sink there's a medical kit. And get some water boiling. GROSSMAN OK. GROSSMAN leaves and FOSTER checks WAYNE's wound. FOSTER I used to be an Army Medic you know, in 'nam? So I guess this is your lucky day. (Laughs) EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - DAY Sam and Dean pull up in the alley beside the apartment block, next to another car. Dean leans out and checks the car's plates. Dean: Connecticut. Last three digits 880. Sam: Yep, that's it. Dean: (Clucks) Should've blacked out their plates before they parked in front of the security camera... INT. WAYNE AND GROSSMAN's APARTMENT - DAY WAYNE and GROSSMAN are playing Poker. WAYNE Four Kings. GROSSMAN (Groans) Unbelievable. WAYNE You see that? (Laughs) GROSSMAN Yeah, yeah yeah. WAYNE Deal 'em up again. Sam and Dean break into the apartment, armed, and sneak inside. WAYNE Royal Flush. Grossman, that's the second Royal Flush in eight hands GROSSMAN Yeah, this is a lot of fun. WAYNE I can't lose. I mean really, I- I can't lose! WAYNE grabs the rabbit's foot. WAYNE Maybe this thing really works? You know what I'm saying? I tell you something there's no way in Hell we are handing it over to that stuck-up bitch now, not after all we've been through. Uh uh. Let's go, huh? Let's get out of here, let's go have some fun. Dean: FREEZE, FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE! Sam: Don't move! Dean: DON'T MOVE! WAYNE What is this? Sam: STOP! Dean: All right, give us the box. And please tell me that you didn't- Sam: Oh they did. Dean: You opened it?! Dean shoves WAYNE against the wall. WAYNE Are you guys cops? Dean: Huh? WAYNE ARE YOU GUYS COPS?! Dean: What was in the box? WAYNE glances over at the coffee table where the rabbit's foot sits. Dean follows his gaze. Dean: Oh, was that is, Huh? It was wasn't it? What is that thing? WAYNE uses Dean's distraction to knock the g*n from Dean's hand. It falls to the floor, causing it to f*re. The b*llet ricochets off a radiator and hits Sam's g*n, causing him to drop it. The Same b*llet then ricochets again and breaks a lamp. Sam and GROSSMAN both go for Sam's g*n. GROSSMAN pushes Sam into Dean. Dean falls back on the coffee table, launching the rabbit's foot into the air. Sam: (to Dean) Sorry! GROSSMAN throws himself at Sam, sending them both to the floor, and then starts punching Sam in the face. WAYNE goes for Dean's g*n. As he picks it up and aims for Sam, he hits Dean, who has just got up, square under the chin, knocking him down again. GROSSMAN is now trying to strangle Sam. Sam desperately tries to reach for the rabbit's foot, which is almost out of reach. Sam just manages to grab it, then knocks GROSSMAN's hands away from his throat and kicks him back into a corner. Sam gets up. Sam: Dean! I got it! WAYNE moves forward and cocks Dean's g*n in Sam's face. WAYNE No you don't. GROSSMAN gets his hands on Sam's g*n while WAYNE pulls the trigger on Sam. The g*n jams. WAYNE panics and tries to clear the chamber, while Dean gets up and tries to stop him. WAYNE is surprised and stumbles back, tripping over a rug and falling back over the couch. He knocks himself out. Sam and Dean look at each other, confused. GROSSMAN gets up and tries to point the g*n at Sam. Dean: Sam! As GROSSMAN moves, the bookshelves above him collapse, knocking him out cold. Sam's g*n flies out of his hand and Sam catches it. Dean looks astounded. Dean: That was a lucky break! Is that a rabbit's foot?! Sam holds it up. Sam: I think it is. Dean: Huh. END ACT ONE EXT. BIGGERSON's RESTAURANT PARKING LOT - DAY Dean walks over to the Impala with a paper bag in his hands. He gets in. Sam is inside. Dean takes something out of the bag. Sam: I'm not finding anything on it in Dad's journal. Dean holds up several scratch cards in front of Sam. Sam: Dean, come on. Dean: What?! Hey, that was my g*n he was aiming at your head, and my g*n don't jam so that was a lucky break. Not to mention them taking themselves out, also a lucky break. Here, scratch one. C'mon Sam, scratch and win! Dean hands over a coin and a card. Sam scratches it. Sam: Dean it's gotta be cursed somehow, otherwise Dad wouldn't have locked it up. Sam hands the card back. Dean: �1200... You just won $1200. (Laughs and hollers) I don't know man doesn't seem that cursed to me! Dean hands Sam another card. INT. WAYNE AND GROSSMAN's APARTMENT - DAY WAYNE and GROSSMAN are still laid out on the floor. WAYNE comes to and gets up, groaning. WAYNE Grossman. Grossman, get up. WAYNE kicks an empty beer bottle. It rolls into the kitchen. WAYNE Hey, Grossman, get up. Hey! WAYNE nudges GROSSMAN with his foot and walks into the kitchen. GROSSMAN is unresponsive. WAYNE steps over the beer bottle and heads to the sink, removing two plates, a colander and a large BBQ carving fork and placing them in the drainer. WAYNE turns on the tap and splashes water on his face and dries off with a dish cloth. WAYNE Hey, Grossman. Grossman! WAYNE goes to walk back out of the kitchen, his foot catching on the beer bottle in the middle of the floor. He trips and falls backwards, landing on the fork he placed in the drainer. GROSSMAN comes to, gets up and hears choking. GROSSMAN walks into the kitchen and sees WAYNE impaled on the fork through the neck. The prongs are sticking out of WAYNE's mouth. GROSSMAN screams. EXT. BIGGERSON's RESTAURANT PARKING LOT - DAY Dean lays out 6 scratch cards on the hood of the Impala, calculating their winnings. Dean: (Laughs) Oh man! Sam is on the phone to Bobby. Sam: Now look Bobby, we didn't know. Bobby: You touched it? Damn it, Sam! Sam: Well Dad never told us about this thing. I mean you knew about his storage place at Black Rock? INT. Bobby SINGER's HOME - DAY Bobby: His lockup? Yeah, I knew. Hell I built those curse boxes for him. EXT. BIGGERSON's RESTAURANT PARKING LOT - DAY Bobby: Listen, you have got a serious problem. Sam notices something shining under a newspaper on the ground. It's a gold watch. INT. Bobby SINGER's HOME - DAY Bobby: That rabbit's foot ain't no dime store notion. EXT. BIGGERSON's RESTAURANT PARKING LOT - DAY Sam picks up the watch, turns and shows it to Dean. Dean mouths "awesome!" Bobby: It's real Hoodoo, Old World stuff. INT. Bobby SINGER's HOME - DAY Bobby: Made by a Baton Rouge conjurorwoman about a hundred years ago. EXT. BIGGERSON's RESTAURANT PARKING LOT - DAY Sam: It's a Hell of a luck charm. INT. Bobby SINGER's HOME - DAY Bobby: It's not a luck charm, she made it to k*ll people, Sam! EXT. BIGGERSON's RESTAURANT PARKING LOT - DAY Bobby: See, you touch it, you own it. You own it, sure, you get a run of good luck to b*at the Devil. INT. Bobby SINGER's HOME - DAY Bobby: But, you lose it, that luck turns. It turns so bad that you're d*ad inside a week. EXT. BIGGERSON's RESTAURANT PARKING LOT - DAY Sam: Well, so I won't lose it Bobby. INT. Bobby SINGER's HOME - DAY Bobby: EVERYBODY LOSES IT! EXT. BIGGERSON's RESTAURANT PARKING LOT - DAY Sam: Well then how do we break the curse? INT. Bobby SINGER's HOME - DAY Bobby: (Sighs) I don't know if you can. EXT. BIGGERSON's RESTAURANT PARKING LOT - DAY Sam places the rabbit's foot in his jacket pocket. Bobby: Lemme look through my library and make some calls. INT. Bobby SINGER's HOME - DAY Bobby: Just sit tight. Bobby ends the call. He appears to be working on the Colt. EXT. BIGGERSON's RESTAURANT PARKING LOT - DAY Dean: Dude! We're up fifteen grand! INT. BIGGERSON's RESTAURANT - DAY Sam and Dean enter. Dean: Don't worry, Bobby'll find a way to break it. Until then I say we h*t Vegas, pull a little Rain Man. You can be Rain Man. Sam: Look, we just lay low until Bobby calls back, OK? (To RESTAURANT OWNER) Hi, uh, table for two please. RESTAURANT OWNER CONGRATULATIONS! An alarm goes off. Dean: It's exciting, I know. RESTAURANT OWNER You are the one millionth guest of the Biggerson's Restaurant family! STAFF start singing and taking photographs. Balloons and streamers fall from the ceiling. Sam looks embarrassed while Dean looks ecstatic. EXT. KUBRICK's RV AND CREEDY's PICKUP - DAY KUBRIK Right, you hear anything, give me a call. INT. KUBRICK's RV - DAY KUBRIK Well that clears my book. The word's out. Now we wait. CREEDY Now we eat. KUBRIK Good idea. What do you like, I got canned everything. CREEDY No, no man, not eating in the RV. Look, I know a good place. Wide menu, good service, homey atmosphere. Garlic knots! The menu's on their website. KUBRUCK doesn't look convinced. INT. BIGGERSON's RESTAURANT - DAY Sam is on his laptop. Dean is eating a bowl of ice cream. Sam: Bobby's right. It's lore goes way back. Pure Hoodoo. You can't just cut one off any rabbit. Has to be in a cemetery, under a full moon, on a Friday the thirteenth. Dean: I say from now on, we only go to places with Biggerson's. Dean is struck with brain freeze from the ice cream. Sam laughs as a Waitress approaches their table with more coffee. Waitress: (to Sam) Can I freshen you up? Sam: Yeah, yeah sure. Thanks. The Waitress pours Sam more coffee but spills some. Waitress: Oh! Sam: Oh! Oh I uh- Waitress: Let me mop up here. Sam: No, no don't worry it's OK, It's OK- I got it, uh... Waitress: It's no trouble, really. Sam: OK. Waitress: Sorry about that. Sam: It's all right. The Waitress appears to be flirting with Sam. Sam gives Dean a look. The Waitress finishes cleaning up and walks away, looking over her shoulder as she goes and smiles. Sam and Dean both lean in and watch her. Dean: Dude. If you were ever gonna get lucky... Sam: (Smirking) Shut up. Sam goes to pick up his coffee, knocks the cup over and manages to spill it all over the table and himself. Sam jumps out of his seat. Sam: Oh! Oh Geez, uh... Sam turns and a waiter with a full tray crashes straight into him, sending things flying and causing a scene. Dean looks shocked. Sam: (to waiter) Sorry! Sam turns back to Dean. Dean: How was that good? Sam searches his jacket pocket and comes up empty. The rabbit's foot is gone. Dean: Son of a bitch. EXT. BIGGERSON's RESTAURANT MAIN ENTRANCE - DAY Sam and Dean rush out of the restaurant, Sam falls flat on his face. Dean: Wow! You suck! Dean reaches down and picks Sam up off the ground. Sam: Ow... Dean: So what, now your luck turns bad? Sam's jeans are torn at both knees, which are bloody and raw. Sam: I guess. Dean: I wonder how bad? INT. KUBRICK's RV - DAY CREEDY passes his laptop to KUBRICK who looks over the screen. KUBRIK Looks good. I like that when they drop the whole onion in the fryer. CREEDY takes the laptop back. CREEDY Nearest location... CREEDY searches and then pauses, looking surprised. He passes the laptop back to KUBRICK. CREEDY You seeing that?! On the screen is a photograph of Sam and Dean from their winning visit to the local Biggerson's. KUBRICK grins. KUBRIK Yes I am. KUBRICK looks up to the sky as though he's been given a sign. INT. WAYNE AND GROSSMAN's APARTMENT - NIGHT GROSSMAN is holding a photograph of himself and WAYNE. GROSSMAN holds up a bottle of Tequila and sadly toasts the memory of WAYNE. GROSSMAN Adios, compadre. GROSSMAN pours a lug of Tequila on the floor, then takes a large swig. The door to the apartment opens and Dean and Sam walk in. Sam hangs back. GROSSMAN Oh, man. What do you want? Dean: Heard about your friend, that's bad luck. GROSSMAN Piss off. Dean: We know someone hired you to steal the rabbit's foot. A woman. GROSSMAN Oh yeah? How do you know that? Dean: Because she just stole it back from us. GROSSMAN laughs. Sam: Listen man, this is serio- Sam steps forward and trips on a wire on the floor mid-sentence, pulling a CD player off a shelf and sending it and Sam crashing to the ground. Sam takes out a lamp as he goes. Dean just rolls his eyes. Dean: Sam, you OK? Sam: (from the floor behind the couch) Yeah, I'm good! Sam pulls himself up and GROSSMAN smirks. Dean: (to GROSSMAN) I want you to tell us her name. GROSSMAN Screw you. Dean: It wasn't a freak accident that k*lled your partner. GROSSMAN What? Dean: It was the rabbit's foot. GROSSMAN (Incredulous) You're crazy, man. Dean: You know I'm not. You saw what happened, what it did. All the flukes, all the luck. When you lose the foot that luck goes sour. That's what k*lled your friend. And my brother here is next. And who knows how many more innocent people after that. Now if you don't help us stop this thing that puts those deaths on your head. GROSSMAN looks worried. Dean: Now I can read people, and I get it. You're a thief, and a scumbag, that's fine. But you're not a k*ller. Are you? GROSSMAN (Whispered) No. EXT. BIGGERSON's RESTAURANT PARKING LOT - NIGHT KUBRICK is leaning against his RV. CREEDY approaches from the restaurant. CREEDY No one saw which way they went. And their meal was free so there's no credit card trail. KUBRIK Don't worry, we'll find 'em. CREEDY What makes you so sure? KUBRIK 'Cause there's a higher power at work here. I know it now. EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - NIGHT Sam and Dean exit the apartment block. Dean's phone starts ringing. As Dean answers, he steps over a large piece of pink bubblegum on the ground. Dean: Hello? Sam follows and steps straight into the bubblegum. Bobby: Dean, great news. Wasn't easy but I found a heavyweight cleansing ritual that should do the trick. Dean: Bobby that's uh, great, 'cept Sam, uh... Dean looks over at Sam and grimaces when Sam lifts his shoe. Dean: Sam lost the foot. INT. Bobby SINGER's HOME - NIGHT Bobby: He WHAT? EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - NIGHT Dean: Bobby, Bobby, listen this, uh, this hot chick stole it from him. I'm serious. In her mid 20's, and she was sharp you know, good enough at the con to play us. Sam is trying to scrape the bubblegum off his shoe using a broken storm drain grating. Dean: And she only gave the guy she hired a name, probably an alias or something. (To Sam) Uh, Luigi or something? Sam is still scraping his shoe off. Sam: Lugosi. Dean: Lugosi. INT. Bobby SINGER's HOME - NIGHT Bobby: Lugosi? Lugos- Aw crap, it's probably Bela. EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - NIGHT Sam moves his foot too hard, dislodging his shoe. It drops into the drain. He tries to retrieve it. Dean: Bela Lugosi? That's cute. Bobby: Bela Talbot's her real name. INT. Bobby SINGER's HOME - NIGHT Bobby: Crossed paths with her once or twice. EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - NIGHT Dean: Well she knew about the rabbit's foot, is she a Hunter? INT. Bobby SINGER's HOME - NIGHT Bobby: Pretty friggin' far from a Hunter, but she knows her way around the territory. She's been out of the country. EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - NIGHT Bobby: Last I heard she was in the Middle East someplace. Dean: I guess she's back. INT. Bobby SINGER's HOME - NIGHT Bobby: Which means seriously bad luck for you. EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - NIGHT Dean: Great. Bobby: But, if it is Bela... INT. Bobby SINGER's HOME - NIGHT Bobby: At least I might know some folks who know how to find her. EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - NIGHT Dean: Thanks Bobby. Again. INT. Bobby SINGER's HOME - NIGHT Bobby: Just look out for your brother, ya idjit. Bobby hangs up EXT. APARTMENT BLOCK - NIGHT Dean looks back at Sam. Sam looks thoroughly dejected. Dean: What? Sam: I lost my shoe. Dean looks down and Sam's sock-clad foot and sighs, annoyed. Sam hangs his head. END ACT TWO EXT. MOTEL PARKING LOT - NIGHT The Impala pulls into the lot and stops just inside the entrance. Dean: (on the phone) All right Bobby, thanks. We owe ya, another one. Dean: (to Sam) All right Bobby's got it on pretty good authority that this Bela chick lives in Queens. So it'll take me about two hours to get there. Sam: So what are we doing here? Dean: You my brother are staying here 'cause I don't want your bad luck getting us k*lled. Dean drives the Impala into the main lot, passing KUBRICK's RV on the way. INT. MOTEL ROOM 2 - NIGHT Dean unlocks the door and leads Sam inside, turning on a light as he goes. Sam: What am I even supposed to do, Dean? Dean: Nothing, nothing. Come here. I don't want you doing anything. I want you to sit right here, and don't move, OK? Don't turn on the light, don't turn off the light. Don't even scratch your nose. Sam sits in a chair and watched Dean leave, locking the door behind him. Sam wrinkles his nose a few times before risking a scratch. EXT. BRIDGE OVER RIVER - EARLY MORNING SUBTITLE QUEENS, NEW YORK INT. Bela's APARTMENT - EARLY MORNING Bela's apartment is richly decorated and contains varied valuable artifacts. Bela is on the phone. She walks down stairs and into the kitchen. She talks with an affected British accent. Bela: Because you shook on one point five. Well maybe I should just take it somewhere else? Bela pets a Seal Point Siamese cat that is sitting on the counter. Bela: Don't thr*at me, Luke. Despite your reputation you don't scare me. (Pause) Well I'm glad you see it that way. I'll see you at the airstrip in an hour. Bela ends the call. Bela's security monitors register Dean approaching. Bela picks up the rabbit's foot with kitchen tongs and the Siamese cat hisses. Bela moves to look over at the security monitors, just missing Dean's arrival. Bela puts the rabbit's foot down, opens the wine cooler and extracts a g*n from it before moving through the living room toward the front door. The door is ajar. As she approaches, she notices a beeping noise. The alarm system panel is flashing ERROR. A bright yellow Post-It stuck to the panel reads TURN AROUND. Dean appears behind Bela, his g*n drawn. Bela turns and draws her g*n. Dean: You left without your tip. Bela smirks. Dean raises his eyebrows. INT. MOTEL ROOM 2 - DAY Sam rocks back and forth on the chair, bored stiff. Suddenly, the AC unit in the wall in front of Sam starts making a clunking, grinding sound. Smoke starts to pour out. Sam: (Despairingly) Oh come on, I- I didn't- I wasn't... (sighs) Sam gets up and cautiously approaches the unit. The unit catches on f*re. Sam grabs the comforter off one of the beds and attempts to put out the f*re with it. When Sam thinks he's got it, he gets up, only to find his jacket sleeve is now on f*re. Sam panics and uses the curtain to put it out. The curtain rips and falls away, revealing KUBRICK and CREEDY staring in through the window. Sam falls back, knocking himself out on the floor. KUBRICK smiles and looks to the sky in thanks. INT. Bela's APARTMENT - DAY Dean and Bela are engaged in a stand-off. Dean: You're gonna give it back. Bela: (Laughs) Sweetie, no I'm not. Dean: Yeah, We'll see. Bela, right? Bela: That's right, Dean. Dean: You know the thing's cursed, don't you? Bela: You'd be surprised what some people would pay for something like that. Dean: Really? Bela: There's a lucrative market out there. A lot of money to be made. You Hunters with all those amulets and talismans you use to stop those big bad monsters. Any one of them could put your children's children through college. Dean: So you know the truth, about what's really going on out there and this is what you decide to do with it? You become a thief? Bela: I procure unique items for a select clientele. Dean: Yeah. A thief. Bela: No, a great thief. INT. MOTEL ROOM 2 - DAY CREEDY is restraining Sam to a chair with Duct Tape. Sam comes to. CREEDY Oh, he's awake! KUBRIK Back with us, eh? CREEDY We didn't even have to touch you. You just went all spastic, and knocked yourself out? It was like watching Jerry Lewis try to stack chairs! Sam: Who are you, What do you wa- KUBRICK snaps his fingers in Sam's face. Sam looks confused. KUBRIK I used to think your friend Gordon sent me. Sam: Gordon? Oh come on! KUBRIK Yeah, he sent me to track you down, and put a b*llet in your brain. Sam: Great. That sounds like him. KUBRIK But, as it turns out, I'm on a mission from God. KUBRICK strikes Sam across the face. END ACT THREE INT. Bela's APARTMENT - DAY Dean: Look Bela, my brother, he touched the foot. And when you took it from him, his luck went from- Bela: I know how it works. Dean: So then you know he's gonna die unless we can desTroy it. Bela: (Insincere) Oh... You can have the foot. Dean looks surprised. Bela: For one point five million. Dean: Nice. Yeah, I'll just call my Banker. How'd you even find the damn thing? Stuck in the back of some storage place, middle of nowhere. Bela looks over her shoulder. Dean follows her gaze to a Ouija Board and planchette on the mantle. Bela: I just asked a few of the ghosts of the people that it k*lled. They were very attuned into it's location. Dean: So you're only out for yourself, huh? It's all about number one? Bela: Being a Hunter is so much more noble? A bunch of obsessed, revenge-driven sociopaths trying to save a world that can't be saved? Dean: Well aren't you a glass half-full? Bela: We're all going to Hell, Dean. Might as well enjoy the ride. Dean: I actually agree with you there. Anyhoo, this has been charming but uh, look at the time. Oh and this? Dean reveals the rabbit's foot in his hand. Bela looks pissed. Dean: Looks like you're not the only one with sticky fingers. If it's any consolation I think you're a truly awful person. Bela fires at Dean and misses completely. She fires again, the b*llet ricocheting around breaking several objects and hitting the Ouija Board. Dean laughs and holds out the rabbit's foot to taunt Bela and makes a run for the door. Bela fires again at Dean's retreating form, the b*llet again ricocheting around and desTroying more objects. The Siamese cat runs off and Bela ducks. Dean escapes. Dean: Seeya! Bela sighs. INT. MOTEL ROOM 2 - DAY CREEDY throws a glass of water in Sam's face. Sam's cheek is bruised and his nose is bloody. Sam shakes the water off while KUBRICK watches, sitting on one of the Motel beds. KUBRIK You were part of that Demon plan to open the gate weren't you? Sam: We did everything we could to stop it. KUBRIK Lie lie lie! You were in on it. You know what their next move is too, don't you? Sam: No, I don't, OK? You're wrong about all of this. KUBRIK Where are they gonna h*t us next? Sam sighs and stays silent. KUBRICK strikes Sam across the face again. KUBRIK WHERE?! Gordon told me about you, Sam. About your powers. You're some kinda weirdo psychic freak? Sam: No, not any more I- no powers, no visions, nothing, it just- KUBRIK LIAR! KUBRICK punches Sam hard. KUBRIK Now no more lies. There's an army of Demons out there pushing at a world already on the brink. We're on deck for the endgame here, right? So maybe, just maybe you can understand why we can't take chances. KUBRICK draws his g*n and points it at Sam. Sam: Whoa, OK, OK, no don't- hold on a minute! CREEDY Hey, Kubrick just- KUBRIK No, you saw what happened Creedy, ask yourself, why are we here? Because you saw a picture on the web? Because we chose this Motel instead of another? Luck like that doesn't just happen. Sam: Look, I can explain all of that if- KUBRIK Shut up! It's God, Creedy. He led us here for one reason. To do his work. This is destiny. Sam: Whoa... Kubrick aims the g*n point blank at Sam's forehead. Sam squeezes his eyes shut. The sound of another g*n being cocked is heard in the room. Dean: Nope. No destiny, just a rabbit's foot. KUBRIK Put the g*n down son, or you're gonna be scraping brain off the wall. Dean: What, this thing? KUBRIK Yeah, that thing. Dean: OK. But you see there's something about me that you don't know. Dean puts his g*n down, looking smug, and picks up a pen sitting next to it. KUBRIK Yeah? What would that be? Dean: It's my lucky day. Dean tosses the pen toward KUBRICK. It lodges itself in the barrel of KUBRICK's g*n Sam looks impressed. Dean: (Laughs) Oh my God, did you see that sh*t!? CREEDY lunges at Dean and aims a punch. Dean easily side-steps and CREEDY runs straight into the wall, falling backwards and hitting the floor. KUBRICK stares at the pen in the barrel for a few moments before trying to dislodge it. Dean: I'm amazing. Dean picks up the TV remote from the table and throws it hard at KUBRICK, who is just about to aim for Dean. It h*t's KUBRICK right between the eyes, knocking him out cold. He drops like a stone. Dean: (Suave) I'm Batman. Sam: (Sarcastic) Yeah. You're Batman. END ACT FOUR EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT Sam is crouching, and sprinkles something onto the embers of a small f*re. Dean is checking over more scratch cards. Sam: All right. Bone ash, cayenne pepper, that should do it. Dean: One second... Sam: Dean, you- Dean: Hey, back off, Jinx. I'm bringing home the bacon. Sam sighs. Dean smirks and stashes the cards in his jacket, which is slung over a gravestone. Dean: All right, say goodbye "wascally wabbit". The sound of g*n is heard cocking. Dean turns round. Bela: I think you'll find that belongs to me. Or, you know, whatever. Put the foot down, honey. Dean: No. You're not going to sh**t anybody. See I happen to be able to read people. OK, you're a thief, fine, but you're not- Bela ignores Dean, aims at Sam and fires. Sam goes down, groaning. Dean: Son of a- Bela: Back off, tiger. Back off. You make one more move and I'll pull the trigger. Sam gets up, clutching his shoulder. Bela: You've got the luck, Dean. You I can't h*t. But your brother? Him I can't miss. Dean: What the Hell is wrong with you?! You don't just go around sh**ting people like that! Bela: Relax. It's a shoulder h*t, I can aim. Besides, who here hasn't sh*t a few people. Put the rabbit's foot on the ground now. Dean: All right! All right. Take it easy. Dean goes to drop the rabbit's foot, but instead throws it at Bela. Dean: Think fast. Bela catches the foot and curses. Bela: Damn! Dean: Now, what do you say we desTroy that ugly-ass piece of d*ad thing? Bela drops the rabbit's foot in the embers. Bela: Thanks very much. I'm out one and a half million, and on the bad side of a very powerful, fairly psychotic buyer. Dean: Wow. I really don't feel bad about that. Sam? Sam: Nope. Not even a little. Bela: Hmm. Maybe next time I'll hang you out to dry. Bela goes and leans on the gravestone where Dean's jacket is. Dean: Oh don't go away angry, just go away. Bela: (Smirks) Have a nice night, boys. Bela walks away. The rabbit's foot burns in the f*re. Dean: You good? Sam: I'll live. Dean: I guess we're back to normal now, huh? No good luck, no bad luck. Oh! I forgot we're up $46000, I almost forgot about the... scratch tickets. Dean searches his jacket and comes up empty. Bela's car roars in the distance. Sam and Dean look at each other, then watch her drive away. INT. Bela's CAR - NIGHT Bela smirks to herself, Dean's scratch cards laying beside her. Bela picks up the pile and laughs. EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT Dean: SON OF A BITCH! EXT. PRISON - DAY INT. PRISON KUBRICK is talking to Gordon. KUBRICK's nose is taped up. KUBRIK You were right about everything. Sam Winchester is more than a monster. He's the adversary. Gordon: And what was it that convinced you? KUBRIK God led me to him, and his will is clear. Gordon: OK... That's great. Glad to have you onboard. But, uh, first things first. We gotta get me the Hell out of here. 'Cause like I told you before, Sam Winchester must die. Gordon hangs up the two-way phone.

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "03x03 - Bad Day at Black Rock"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 25 Oct 2007 INT. CHURCH. A nun is putting Bibles in the pews. Someone appears behind her. Father GIL (hands her another Bible) One more. That's all for tonight, sister. Come on. Let me walk you to your car. Andy: Father? Father GIL (looks up to where Andy is standing on the balcony) Andy? Andy: Father, God's not with us. (b*at) Not anymore. Father GIL Andy, of course he is. Why would you say that? What's wrong? Andy: He can't help us. And if he can... He won't. Andy produces a g*n, which he places under his chin. Father GIL Andy, wait! Andy sh**t himself. The nun screams. TITLE CARD: SUPERNATURAL END Teaser INT. Bobby's place. Bobby is working on the Colt, while Dean melts metal into b*ll*ts. Dean: Hey, what's up? Sam: Might have found some omens in Ohio. Dry lightning, barometric-pressure drop. Dean: Well, that's thrilling. Sam: Plus,some guy blows his head off in a church and another goes postal in a hobby shop before the cops take him out. Might be demonic omens. Dean: Or just a su1c1de and a psycho scrapbooker. Sam: But it's our best lead since Lincoln. Dean: Where in Ohio? Sam: Elizabethville. It's a half-d*ad factory town in the rust belt. Dean: There's got to be a demon or two in South Beach. Sam: Sorry, Hef. Maybe next time. How's it going, Bobby? Bobby: Slow. Dean: I tell you,it's a little sad seeing the Colt like that. Bobby: The only thing it's good for now is figuring out what makes it tick. Sam: So what makes it tick? Bobby looks up – not amused. Dean: So, if we want to go check out these omens in Ohio… (teasingly) You think you can have that thing ready by this afternoon? Bobby: Well, it won't k*ll demons by then, (b*at) but I can promise you it'll k*ll you. Dean: (smiles) All right, come on, we're wasting the daylight. Dean: See you, Bobby. Sam and Dean start to leave. Bobby: Hey. You boys run into anything -- anything -- you call me. INT. CHURCH. Sam and Dean are in suits. Father GIL There's not much left for the insurance company. It was a su1c1de - I saw it myself. Dean: Well,this shouldn't take long,then. Father GIL That's where Andy did it. it's the first time i'd seen him in weeks. He used to come every Sunday. Sam: When did he stop? Father GIL Probably about two months ago right around the time everything else started to change. Sam: Change how? Father GIL Let's just say this used to be a town you could be proud of. People... cared about each other. Andy sang in the choir, and then one day, he just wasn't Andy anymore. It was like he was... Sam: Possessed? Father GIL You could say that. Gambled away his money, cheated on his wife, desTroyed his business. Yes, like a switch had flipped. Sam: Father, did you know the man who k*lled those folks in the hobby shop? Father GIL sure, Tony Perkins. Sam: Tony Perkins. Good man. Sam: Would you say that his personality suddenly changed one day, too? Father GIL I never thought about it that way, but...yes. about the Same time as Andy -- about two months ago. Dean: Well, thank you, Father. Appreciate your time. (as they leave) Sam: Two months ago, we open up the devil's gate, all of a sudden this town turns into Margaritaville? It's no coincidence. INT. Hotel. Sam and Dean are entering their room, Dean Chuckling at the mirrors on the ceiling, when the door across the hall opens. Dean: Richie. I don't believe it. RICHIE Hey, Dean...Winchester,right? (a tall scantily dressed girl appears from Richie's room) This is my sister, uh, Cheryl. CHERYL Hey, Dean: Cheryl. RICHIE (hands CHERYL some money) There. (as CHERYL leaves) Well, you know...stepsister. Dean: Come on in. This is my brother, Sam. RICHIE Hey. How you doing? Sam: Not too bad. How do you two know each other? Dean: You were in school. RICHIE It was that succubus, in Granasi right? Dean: Yeah,yeah. RICHIE Oh, man. You should have seen the rack on this broad. Freakin' tragedy when I had to gank her. Dean: Whoa,whoa. Wait. Who k*lled her? If I remember, your ass was toast until i showed up. RICHIE Oh,i forgot what a comedian this guy was. Dean: Richie, Richie, i told you then and I'll tell you again - you're not cut out for this job. You're gonna get yourself k*lled. (RICHIE's phone rings) RICHIE (to caller) Talk to me. (to Dean) FYI, Winchester --words hurt. (to caller) No, it's not a good time, baby. Later. Dean: You find anything in this town, anyway? RICHIE Uh,no. I got nothing. Oh,wait a minute. You mean as in demons and whatnot? Dean: Yeah. RICHIE No,i got nothing. Dean: Typical.What about your sister back there? RICHIE Honestly, she definitely had the devil in her, but she wasn't no demon, you know what I'm saying? (off Dean's reaction) Right. Seriously. Church guy, hobby-shop guy --they were lunch meat by the time i got there. Maybe they were possessed, but i can't prove it. Sam: Yeah, that's where we are, too. Let's just say the demons are possessing people in this town… you know, raising hell… Dean: But why would a demon blow his brains out? RICHIE For fun? He wrecks one body, moves to another. Like taking a stolen car for a joyride. Dean: Anybody else left in town that fits the profile -- nice guy turned douche -- that's still breathing? RICHIE There's trotter. Sam: Who's that? RICHIE He used to be head of the Rotary Club. Then he turned bastard all of a sudden. brought in the gambling, the hookers. He practically owns this whole town. Sam: Know where we could find him? RICHIE Oh, he'll be at his bar in a few hours. EXT. DAY. Sam and Dean pull up in the Impala. The town in buzzing, it looks like Mardi Gras - people wandering around with cocktails, sexy girls, lots of action. Dean: I thought you said this was some boarded-up factory town. Sam: It is. At least, it's supposed to be. Dean: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's do some research. INT. TROTTER's BAR. Dean Oh, Richie. Look at you. RICHIE Hey. Dean: Bringing satin back. RICHIE Oh,you like this? Try Thai silk -- Canal Street. Y ou have to pay $300 for threads like these, easy. Cost to me -- fuggedaboutit. Sam: How much is "fuggedaboutit"? RICHIE Ah, forget about it. That's Trotter over there. He sits there all night. Can't touch him. Sam: So,what do we do now? Dean: I don't know about you guys, but I'm gonna do a little investigating with that bartender. RICHIE Easy. Me and her, we got a little somethin'-somethin' lined up for later. Dean Yeah,right. RICHIE Stings, don't it? All right. i got to h*t the head. release the hostages. Be back in a few. Dean: No way he gets a girl like that. I mean, look at her. You could fit that ass on a nickel. Father GIL You think so? Dean: Oh. Sorry,padre. Father GIL Knew you boys would find your way here. They all do. Sam: No offense, but what are you doing here, Father? Father GIL Like it or not, you go where your flock is. The bartender - CASEY – pours him a drink. CASEY Plus, the clergy drinks for free. Father GIL True, and a certain bartender owes me a confession. CASY Not in this lifetime, Father. Father GIL I better see your butt on Sunday. (looks at Dean) Nickel or no nickel. CASEY What can i get you boys? Dean: What's your speciality? CASEY I make a mean hurricane. Dean: I guess we'll see about that. Sam (to Dean) You drink hurricanes? Dean: I do now. Over near the pool table, a man –REGGIE--enters. REGGIE Hi, John. John Reggie. Everything okay with you? REGGIE I don't know. I'm just not feeling myself today. Sam (spots that REGGIE has a g*n) (to Dean) Hey. John Hey, what are you doing?! Dean tackles him to the ground, but not before he sh**t John. Sam splashes holy water on him. There is no reaction. REGGIE What are you doing? He slept with my wife. That bastard slept with my wife! Sam: Somebody call 911! Sam exchanges a look with TROTTER. LATER. Police cuff REGGIE and lead him away. Sam: Too many cops here. I say we roll. Dean: Just be cool. Poor jerk. only thing possessing him was a sixer of Pabst. Sam: So, what's the deal, then? People in this town getting possessed or not? Dean: I don't know. Maybe it is just what it is -- town full of scumbags. Sam: Yeah. Maybe. Police Officer: You boys ready for your mug sh*ts? Sam and Dean look nervous. The photographer's gonna be here in a few and take your picture for the local paper. Dean (relieved): Be an honor, officer. What a thrill. Sam: Yep, time to go. Dean: Wait a second. Wait a second. Sam: What? Dean: Where's Richie? EXT. NIGHT. CASEY and RICHIE arrive at a house. RICHIE So, how's a bartender afford a place like this? CASEY My parents left it to me. I don't come out here much --mostly when I want to be alone. INT. CASEY leads RICHIE into a rather gothic-looking basement. RICHIE Wow. This is, uh, charming. You sure you wouldn't be more comfortable in a bedroom or my motel room? I mean, not for nothing, but, you know, I got oils. CASEY But I have toys. RICHIE Yeah, no. Toys trump oils. (CASEY lights candles) You don't get, uh, scared down here all by yourself? CASEY Of course not. Not when I've got a hunter to protect me. She turns, her eyes blacken. She is a demon. She then kills RICHIE END ACT ONE INT. TROTTER' BAR. Sam and Dean sit at a table. There is a large burger in front of Dean. Sam (to BARMAN) Thanks. (returns to table with beers) You do realize there's red meat within striking distance, right? Dean: How many times i got to tell Richie, he's gonna get himself in trouble? Sam: Dean, you're assuming he's missing. I mean, maybe he just bailed. Dean: He's a moron. He's a sweet moron, but he's not a coward. He wouldn't just bail. I got to go find him. Sam: All right. Meanwhile I think I'm gonna trail this Trotter guy. Dean: Yeah? Sam: I don't know. Something about the way he looked at me last night. Maybe there is something going on here. EXT. Bobby is sh**ting at a target with the restored COLT, making adjustments after he fires. Suddenly, Ruby appears in from of the target. Ruby: Cute piece. Bobby: Who are you? Ruby: It won't stop a demon, if that's what you think. Bobby: How the hell would you know? Ruby: Oh, I don't know. (She closes her eyes and when she opens them they are black, revealing she is a demon.) Call it an educated guess. Bobby: Well,ain't i lucky,then? Found a subject for a test f*re. Ruby: Luck has nothing to do with it. But, hey, by all means. Take your best sh*t. Bobby hesitates. Ruby: Are you gonna stand there like a pantywaist, or are you gonna sh**t… Bobby sh**t her in the chest. Ruby: Oww, that smarts a little. Bobby: What do you want? Ruby: Peace on earth, a new shirt. Now...do you want me to help you out with that g*n or not? INT. Sam is in a corridor outside TROTTER's office. His phone rings, startling him. Sam: Dean. Dean: Sammy. Sam: Yeah. Hey. I can't talk right now. Dean: You okay? Sam: Yeah,i'm fine. Just meet me at the bar in 20 minutes, okay? Sam hangs up. Dean: Sam! INT. TROTTER's BAR. Woman: I got to tell you -- every woman in this place -- they want to eat you up. Dean: Anybody could have tackled that guy…and wrestled the g*n away... prevented mass m*rder. Woman: Here's what I'm gonna do. Normally,i charge $400 a night. (whispers in Dean's ear) Why don't we call it an even deuce and get the hell out of here? Dean (incredulous) What do I look like? Woman: What do I look like? (as she walks away)Cheapskate. CASEY Did I just see you strike out with a prost*tute? How's that work? Dean: I just told her I had a thing for the bartender. It was pretty easy. CASEY Who says the bartender's available? Dean: That's a good question. you got something going with some guy about yea tall, wears a sweat suit? CASEY Who? Dean: No. My mistake. What do you say you and me grab a drink after your shift? CASEY I say why wait...when we can go right now? Dean and CASEY leave tigeth INT. TROTTER's OFFICE. Sam is rifling through the desk. TROTTER and his bodyguard enter. Sam tackles the bodyguard but TROTTER holds a g*n to Sam. TROTTER What are you doing here? Sam: I think maybe you know. TROTTER Yeah. Well, I think I'm calling the cops. Sam: Cops? TROTTER Breaking and entering, as*ault -- you're in a peck of trouble, my friend. Sam: Uh,well, I think I could probably explain it! Sam wrestles the g*n from him and points it at both men. All right, back up! TROTTER Get back. Money's in the safe! Take it and go. Sam: I don't want your money. I just got to be sure. Sam splashes both men with holy water. Nothing happens. TROTTER What kind of psycho are you? Sam (embarrassed) Oh,god. Uh, I'm sorry. I think this was just a minor misunderstanding.? Yeah, okay.How 'bout I just leave, cause... (removes b*ll*ts from g*n) Uou know,i'll take these. (places g*n down) I'll,uh,i'll leave this for,uh... You,uh...have a nice day? ==ACT THREE== INT. BASEMENT IN CASEY's PARENT's HOME. Dean: Looks like the maid's day off. CASEY seems surprised at something. Everything okay? CASEY (kisses Dean) Make yourself comfortable. Dean: Oh,i forgot to mention... Richie was a friend of mine. When I realized I could track the GPS in his cellphone, I swung by earlier. Gave him a proper burial. It's better than rotting in some skank's basement. CASEY launches herself at Dean but something stops her. Dean kicks back the corner of the rug, which is covering a devil's trap he has drawn. Whoops. Tsk,tsk,tsk. Isn't that a buzz k*ll? Sorry, sister, but you're going back to where you came from. CASEY i don't think so. Dean takes out a book and begins to read in Latin. Dean: Spiritus in mundus un glorum suarum umitite palatum iram domine CASEY concentrates, and suddenly all the pages from Dean's book fly around the room. Then the entrance to the basement caves in. Dean: What are you laughing at, bitch? You're still trapped. CASEY So are you...bitch. LATER. Dean lights candles and examines the rockfall. CASEY Lose something? Dean: All you demons have such smart mouths. CASEY It's a gift. Dean: Well, let's see if you're smiling when i send your ass back to hell. CASEY Without your little exorcism book? Hey,go ahead. Dean: Spiritus in mundus… Spritus… CASEY Having a little trouble there,sport? Dean: Spiritus in mundus un glorum suarum umitite palatum... CASEY Nice try, but I think you just ordered a pizza. I guess you should have paid more attention in Latin class. Dean: Hey, I don't know what you're smiling about. You're not going anywhere. CASEY And, apparently, neither are you. Dean: Yeah, but I got somebody coming for me, and,uh... he did pay attention in class. CASEY Oh,right -- Sam. Everyone says he's the brains of the outfit. Dean: Everyone? CASEY Sure. You Winchester boys are famous. Not Lohan famous,but,you know... Dean: Well, that's flattering. I'll be sure to let Sam know when he gets here. CASEY If he shows up first. What, you thought I was flying solo? You shouldn't underestimate, Dean. (b*at)It might be the death of you. You can give me hard eyes all you want, but the fact remains, we just have to wait and see who shows up first -- (waits) The cavalry or the Indians. INT. TROTTER's bar. The prost*tute who tried to pick-up Dean earlier sits at the bar. Woman: You look kind of tense. you know, I know a surefire way to relax. Sam: Maybe later. Excuse me. BARMAN What can I get for you? Sam: Um, you remember the guy I was with last night? We sat right here. BARMEN the big hero who jumped on Reggie. Sam: Yeah, yeah. The -- the big hero. Right. Um, have you seen him around at all today? BARMEN Maybe. Depends. Sam: D-depends on what? BARMEN raises an eyebrow. Sam catches on. Sam: Oh,my --does everyone around here have their hand out? (hands BARMAN some money) BARMAN He left with Casey about an hour ago. Sam: Any idea where they went? BARMAN Her place...for bible study. Sam: You got an address? BARMAN What's wrong with you? You think I'm gonna give you a co-worker's address just so you can go over there and get your freaky peeping-tom rocks off? Sam hands over more money. Corner of Piermont and Clinton. Have fun. INT. BASEMENT IN CASEY's PARENT's HOME. CASEY Why don't you relax? Dean: Why don't you kiss my ass? CASEY Why,Dean,you're a poet. I had no idea. Look, we won't have any effect on the outcome of this. We might as well be civil. Dean: Civil,huh? k*lling richie --that was civil? The guy was harmless. CASEY That Kn*fe he pulled on me didn't look so harmless. Dean: A Kn*fe wouldn't hurt you. CASEY No, but it would damage this body and Casey has such a fine body,I wouldn't want to see it ripped. Dean: A demon with a heart. Wow. Well,you know, there's a bunch of d*ad people in town that might disagree with you. CASEY Hey, I didn't pull any triggers. Dean: Yeah? You did something. CASEY You want to know what I did -- what I really did? I had lunch. Dean: Lunch? CASEY Me and Trotter. He had a cheeseburger,i had a salad, and I just pointed out the money that could be made with a few businesses that cater to harmless vice. So trotter built it, and, man, did they come. Supposedly god-fearing folk, waist-deep in booze, sex, gambling. I barely lifted a finger. Dean: That's it? CASEY You don't get it. All you got to do is nudge humans in the right direction. Some whiskey here, a hooker there, and they'll walk right into hell with big,fat smiles on their faces. Your kind is corrupt, Dean. Weak. Our will's stronger. That's why we'll win. Dean: And that's how it ends? CASEY No. That's how it begins. INT. CASEY's home. Dean? Sam checks out the place. Finds a yellow powder. Sulfur. INT. BASEMENT IN CASEY's PARENT's HOME. Dean: So, demons take over. I thought the meek shall inherit the earth. CASEY Oh, according to your bible. It's only a book, Dean. Dean: Not everyone would agree. CASEY Because it's God's book? Do you believe in god, Dean? I'd be surprised if you did. Dean: I don't know. I'd like to. CASEY Well, I don't see how you and your god, have done such a bang-up job. w*r,genocide --it's only getting worse. This past century, you people racked up a body count that amazed even us. It's our turn now, and we're gonna do it right this time. Dean hears a noise. Looks up towards grate. CASEY Don't be hopeful, Dean. You're not delivered. It's only the wind. INT. TROTTER's BAR. Sam: Bobby, It's Sam. We got a big problem. I found some sulfur, and now I can't find Dean. Call me as soon as you get this. (to BARMAN) Hey,excuse me. They weren't there. BARMAN I guess you got to catch your jollies another night. Here. Why don't you have a drink and relax? Sam: I don't want to relax. What is it with the people in this town? BARMAN Suit yourself - princess. Sam sees Father GIL in the bar and approaches him. Sam: Father. Father GIL Yes? Sam: Um...can I talk to you for a sec? INT. THE BASEMENT. Dean: You're piling it pretty high there, sweetheart. I'm not sure i'm buying. CASEY Why would I lie? Dean: Demons lie. CASEY Some do.Some are true believers. Dean: Believers in what? CASEY You think humans have an exclusive on a higher power? Dean: You have a god? CASEY Sure. His name's Lucifer. Dean: You mean the devil? CASEY Your word, not ours. Lucifer actually means "light bringer." Look it up. Once he was the most beautiful of all god's angels, But god demanded that he bow down before man, and when he refused, god banished him. Tell me, Dean. How do you like bowing before lesser creatures? Dean: Lucifer's really real? CASEY Well, no one's actually seen him, but they say that he made us into what we are, and they say that he'll return. Dean: Oh,yeah? And, uh, you believe that? CASEY I've got faith. So, you see? Is my kind really all that different than yours? Dean: Well, except that, uh, demons are evil. CASEY …and humans are such a lovable bunch. Dick Cheney. Dean: He one of yours? CASEY Not yet. Let's just say he's got a parking spot reserved for him downstairs. Dean: Hey, speaking of downstairs... what's it like down there? CASEY What, hell? Dean: Yeah. CASEY That's right. You booked a one-way ticket with that deal. You're not gonna like it, Dean. And, um, judging from the trouble you've caused, I don't think you'll be getting the presidential suite. No, it's a pit of despair. Why do you think we want to come here? INT. TROTTER's bar. Sam: So, the -- the bartender the other night,casey, you know her pretty well? Father GIL Since she was in pigtails. Sam: Well, um, she and my brother, they, uh...they...left tonight. Together. Father GIL Well, not that i approve, but they are consenting adults. Sam: Right. Father GIL I'm sorry. You said "brother." I thought you were insurance investigators. Sam: Right, ,right. Well,we are. Um, it's like a family business, you know? Anyways, um,so,I went to Casey's apartment, and they weren't there. I just have this feeling that they -- that they might be in trouble. Father GIL What kind of trouble? Sam: Just trouble. Please, Father, I need your help. Is there anything you could tell me about Casey -- anyplace she'd go, maybe? Father GIL Yes, there is a place. Let me get my jacket. Sam: No, wait, Father. I can do this by myself. Father GIL Son, if Casey's really in trouble, then there's nothing to talk about. He stands and puts on his coat. We see what Sam doesn't – he is a demon. Shall we go? INT. BASEMENT. CASEY Kind of funny, don't you think? You and me sitting here like a couple of regular folk. Dean: It's hilarious -- you know, in that apocalyptic sort of way. CASEY You're all right, Dean. The others don't describe you that way. But, you know, you're -- you're likable. Dean: A demon likes me. Sorry,i don't know how to respond to that. CASEY You could say thanks. That deal you made to save Sam -- a lot of others would mock you for it, think it was weak or stupid. I don't. Dean: It's been kind of liberating, actually. Y'know, what's the point in worrying about a future when you don't have one? CASEY Still, a year left. You're not scared? Dean: Nah. Not even a little? Dean: Of course not. INT. CAR. Father GIL So, insurance investigating. You enjoy the work? Sam: Yeah. I...like being able to help people. Father GIL Ever think about doing anything else? Sam: Like what? Father GIL Mmm, anything. You seem like a pretty smart kid. Somehow I see you out in front of the pack. You could do some great things. Sam: I don't know. I like doing what I'm doing, I guess. Father GIL Well, it's your life. Does,um... Dean? Sam: Yeah, Dean. Father GIL Does he find trouble often? Sam: Yeah yeah, Dean finds his fair share. Father GIL Well, it's a good thing he has you -- his brother's keeper. INT. BASEMENT. CASEY is stretching languorously on the floor. CASEY Why, Dean, if I didn't know better, I'd say that was lust in your eyes. Well, it would be one way to spend the time but I don't think you'd respect me in the morning. Dean: That's okay. I mean, hey, I barely respect you now. Dean: Hey, can i ask you a question? CASEY I'm an open book. Dean: So, the gate opened. The demon army was let out. What now, huh? I'm not seeing a big, honking plan here. CASEY Honestly, there was a plan. Azazel was a tyrant, but he held us all together. Dean: Azazel? CASEY You think his brothers just called him "yellow eyes"? He had a name. After you did him in, it all fell apart. Dean: Sorry about that. So, what? No chain of command? CASEY There was. It was Sam. Sam was supposed to be the grand pooh-bah and lead the big army, but he hasn't exactly stepped up to the plate, has he? Dean: Thank god for that. CASEY Again with god. You think this is a good thing? Now you've got chaos, a w*r without a front, hundreds of demons all jockeying for power, all fighting for the crown. Most of them g*n for your brother. For the record, I was ready to follow Sam. EXT. CASEY's PARENT's HOME. Sam: Dean?! INT. BASEMENT. CASEY Looks like you win. EXT. CASEY's PARENT's HOME. Sam: Dean! (to Father GIL) Check that way Dean: Sam! Sam: Dean? Dean: Sammy, down here! The basement caved in! Sam: Dean. Hey, hold on, okay? We're coming. Dean: Who's we? Sam: I'm here with the Father. Dean: Sammy, be careful. Sam turns to see Father GIL reveal himself as a demon. A sh*t is fired. It's Bobby, but Father GIL uses his powers to fling him aside. He then throws Sam into the windscreen of the Impala. He leaves and Sam rushes to where Bobby lies. Sam: Bobby, you all right? Bobby: Yeah. Sam: How did you know where we... Bobby: Go. Ruby: You heard the man. Go. INT. BASEMENT, Father GIL smashes in through the cave-in and flings Dean aside with his power. CASEY Stop! She points to the devil's trap. Father GIL uses his power to crack the floor and break it. They embrace and kiss. Dean: You two? Father GIL For centuries. We've been to hell and back, literally. CASEY Leave him be. Father GIL grabs Dean by the throat and lifts him up. Don't k*ll him. Let's just go. Please. Sam appears and sh**t Father GIL with the Colt, k*lling him. He points it at CASEY. Dean: Sam, wait! But Sam sh**t her, and the bodies of CASEY and Father GIL, no longer possessed, lie d*ad on the devil's trap. EXT. MAIN STREET ELIZABETHVILLE. Not much appears changed since the demons were k*lled. Dean: Well, what do you think, Bobby? What we did here, you think it made a difference? Bobby: Two less demons to worry about. That's not nothing Dean: But Trotter's still alive. Bobby: Humans ain't our job. Dean: Yeah, but you think anything's really gonna change? Maybe these people do just want to really desTroy themselves. Maybe it is a losing battle. Bobby: Is that you or the demon girl talking? Dean: Oh, it's me. Demon is d*ad, and so is that hot girl it was possessing. Bobby: Well, had to be done. Sam was saving your life. Dean: Yeah, but you didn't see it, Bobby. It was cold. Bobby. Bobby: Yeah? Dean: Back in Wyoming, uh,there was this moment. Yellow eyes said something to me. Bobby: What did he say? Dean: That maybe when Sam came back from wherever, that... maybe he came back different. Bobby: Different how? Dean: I don't know. Whatever it was, it didn't sound good. You think... think something's wrong with my brother? Bobby: No.Demons lie. I'm sure Sam's okay. Dean: Yeah. Yeah, me too. INT. Hotel ROOM. Sam IS PACKING. Ruby: Leaving so soon? We haven't even had a chance to celebrate. Sam: Yeah, well, you can celebrate without me. Ruby: You're not gonna get all pouty on me now, are you? Come on! You k*lled two demons today. Sam: Yeah, well, maybe you don't care, but i k*lled two humans, too. Ruby: Sam, you know what happens when demons piggyback humans. They leave them road hard and put-up wet. Chances are those two would have died a slow, sticky death. You probably did them a favor. Sam: Did them a favor? You're a cold bitch, you know that? Ruby: Yeah, and this cold bitch has saved your ass a couple of times now. Some respect might be nice. Especially if you want me to help you out with Dean and his little problem. Sam: You know what? You keep dangling that, but last I checked, Dean's still going to hell. Ruby: Everything in its own time, Sam. There's a quid pro quo here. We're in a w*r. Sam: Right But for some reason, you're fighting on our team. Now, tell me, why is that again? Ruby: Go screw yourself. That's why. I don't have to justify my actions to you, Sam. If you don't want my help, fine, then give me the g*n and I'll pass it on to someone who will use it. Sam (points the COLT at Ruby) Maybe I'll just use it on you. Ruby: Go ahead, if that makes you happy. It's not gonna do much for Dean, though. So, what's it gonna be? (Sam lowers the Colt). That's my boy. This won't be easy, Sam. You're gonna have to do things that go against that gentle nature of yours. There'll be collateral damage...but, it has to be done. Sam: Well, I don't have to like it. Ruby: No. You wouldn't be Sam if you did. On the bright side, I'll be there with you. That little fallen angel on your shoulder.

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "03x04 - Sin City"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 8 Nov 2007 EXT. DOCKS - NIGHT An athletic young woman is running along the docks at night. She stops at a water fountain and takes a drink. She hears thunder and looks up, out over the water; sliding past not too far away is a ghostly old sailing ship. She removes her headphones and stares as it crosses into the harbor, then vanishes. She puts her headphones back in, still spooked, and jogs off. INT. HOME - NIGHT Later, the Same woman is showering. A dark figure approaches and places his hand on the glass of the shower door. She doesn't notice until he rubs at the glass, making a squeaking noise. She pokes her head out and looks around the bathroom, but sees nothing. She goes back into the shower; moments later a man in an overcoat grabs her from behind and begins to strangle her. He slams her against the walls of the shower several times until she slides to the floor, apparently d*ad. END Teaser EXT. ROAD - NIGHT Dean is driving, Sam in the passenger's seat. There is a tense silence in the car, which Dean breaks. Dean: So, I've been waiting since Maple Springs. You got something to tell me? Sam: (playing dumb) It's not your birthday. Dean: No. Sam: Happy... Purim? Dude, I don't know. I have no idea what you're talking – Dean: There's a b*llet missing from the Colt. You want to tell me how that happened? I know it wasn't me. So unless you were sh**ting at some incredibly evil cans... You went after her, didn't you? The Crossroads Demon. After I told you not to. Sam: Yeah, well... Dean: You could have gotten yourself k*lled! Sam: I didn't. Dean: And you sh*t her. Sam: She was a smartass. Dean: So, what? Does that mean I'm out of my deal? Sam: Don't you think I might have mentioned that little fact, Dean? No. Someone else holds the contract. Dean: Who? Sam: She wouldn't say. Dean: Well, we should find out who. Of course, our best lead would be the Crossroads Demon. Oh, wait a minute... Sam: That's not funny. Dean: No, it's not! It was a stupid freaking risk, and you shouldn't have done it. Sam: I shouldn't have done it? You're my brother, Dean. And no matter what you do, I'm gonna try and save you. And I'm sure as hell not gonna apologize for it, all right? INT. GERT's HOME - DAY Sam and Dean are impersonating officers of the law to interview a witness. She is holding a framed photograph of the shower-drowning victim. The witness' name is GERTRUDE CASE, and she is elegant and well-groomed and approximately 70 years old. As the scene continues, she begins to flirt shamelessly with Sam. GERT But I don't understand. I already went over all this with the other Detectives. Dean: Right, yes. But, see, we're with the Sheriff's Department, not the police department – different departments. Sam: So, Mrs. Case... GERT Please. Ms. Case. Sam: Okay. Um, Ms. Case, um... you were the one who found your niece, correct? GERT I came home, she was in the shower. Sam: Drowned? GERT So the coroner says. Now, you tell me, how can someone drown in the shower? Sam: How would you describe Sheila's behavior in the days before her death? I mean, did she seem frightened? Maybe she said something out of the ordinary? GERT Wait a minute. You're working with Alex, aren't you? Dean: Yep. Absolutely. That's (laughs) Alex and us, we're like this. GERT Why didn't you say so? Alex has been such a comfort. But I'm sorry. I thought the case was solved. Sam: Well, no. No, not yet. GERT I see. Sam: So, anyways, we were talking about your niece. GERT Well, yes. Sheila mentioned something quite strange before she died. She said she saw a boat. Dean: A boat? GERT Yes. One minute it was there, then it was gone. It just disappeared right before her eyes. You think it could be a ghost ship? Alex thinks it could be a ghost ship. Sam: Uh, could be. GERT You let me know if there's anything else I can do for you. (she traces a finger slowly along Sam's hand; Sam looks uncomfortable, Dean tries not to laugh) Anything at all. EXT. DOCKS - DAY Dean and Sam walk along the docks. The water is crowded with pristine, moderately sized boats. Dean: What a crazy old broad. Sam: Why? Because she believes in ghosts? Dean: Look at you. Sticking up for your girlfriend. You cougar hound. Sam: Bite me. Dean: Not if she bites you first. So, who's this Alex? We got another player in town? Sam: Maybe, maybe not. Doesn't change our job. Dean: And what looked like a ghost ship, right? Sam: It's not the first one sighted around here, either. Dean: Really? Sam: Yeah. Every 37 years, like clockwork, reports of a vanishing three-mast clipper ship out in the bay. And every 37 years, a rash of weirdo, dry-land drownings. Dean: So, whatever's happening is just getting started. Sam: Yeah. Dean: What's the lore? Sam: Well, there are apparitions of old wrecks sighted all over the world. The S.S. Violet, the Griffin, the Flying Dutchman – almost all of them are death omens. Dean: So, you see the ship and then a few hours later, you pucker up and kiss your ass goodbye? Sam: Basically. Dean: What's the next step? Sam: We gotta I.D. the boat. Dean: That shouldn't be too hard. I mean, how many three-mast clipper ships have wrecked off the coast? Sam: I checked that too, actually. Over 150. Dean: Wow. Sam: Yeah. Dean: Crap. They approach an empty parking space; Dean looks around, confused. Dean: This is where we parked the car, right? Sam: I thought so. Dean: Where's my car? Sam: Did you feed the meter? Dean: Yes, I fed the meter. Sam, where's my car? Somebody stole my car! Sam: Calm down. Dean: I am calmed down! Somebody stole my ca– (he begins hyperventilating) Sam: Whoa. Dean. Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy. Bela: (sauntering up) The '67 Impala? Was that yours? Sam: Bela. Bela: I'm sorry. I had that car towed. Dean: You what?! Bela: Well, it was in a tow-away zone. Dean: No, it wasn't! Bela: It was when I finished with it. Dean: What the hell are you even doing here? Bela: (flippantly) A little yachting. Sam: You're Alex. You're working with that old lady. Bela: Gert's a dear old friend. Dean: Yeah, right. What's your angle? Bela: There's no angle. There's a lot of lovely old women like Gert up and down the eastern seaboard. I sell them charms, perform séances so they can commune with their d*ad cats. Dean: And let me guess, it's all a con. Bela: The comfort I provide them is very real. Sam: How do you sleep at night? Bela: On silk sheets, rolling naked in money. Really, Sam. I'd expect the attitude from him, but you? Sam: You sh*t me! Bela: I barely grazed you. (to Dean) Cute. But a bit of a drama queen, yeah? Dean: You do know what's going on around here. This ghost-ship thing, it is real. Bela: I'm aware. Thanks for telling Gert the case wasn't solved, by the way. Dean: It isn't. Bela: She didn't know that. Now the old bag's stopped payment and she's demanding some real answers. Look... just stay out of my way before you cause any more trouble. I'd get to that car if I were you... before they find the arsenal in the trunk. Ciao. She leaves. Dean: Can I sh**t her? Sam: Not in public. INT. HOUSE - NIGHT A middle-aged man is washing his face at the bathroom sink. A dark figure passes behind him, and he turns. Man: Hello? He turns back to finish washing his face. When he turns around again the bathtub is nearly filled with murky water. Confused, he kneels down beside the tub and fiddles with the drain. Suddenly a hand sh**t out of the water, grabs him by the neck and strangles him. His eyes roll back in his head. END ACT ONE EXT. HOUSE - DAY The last victim's house has become a crime scene. Bela, impersonating a reporter, is interviewing a distraught man who is the victim's brother. Mr. WARREN No. Police said that he drowned, but I don't u-understand how... Bela: I am so sorry for your loss, Mr. Warren. Now, if you could just tell me one more time about the ship your brother saw. Dean and Sam approach, wearing suits and flashing badges. Dean: Ma'am, I think this man's been through quite enough. You should go. Bela: But I just have a few more questions. Sam: No, you don't. Bela: Thank you for your time. Dean: Sorry you had to deal with that. They're like roaches. Sam: So, we heard you say your brother saw a ship. Mr. WARREN Yeah, that's right. Dean: Did he tell you what it looked like? Mr. WARREN It was, uh... like the old Yankee clippers. A smuggling vessel. The rakish topsail, a barkentine rigging. Angel figurehead on the bow. Sam: That's a lot of detail for a ship your brother saw. Mr. WARREN My brother and I were night diving. I saw the ship, too. On the other side of the parking lot, Bela is talking to the real uniforms and pointing in Dean and Sam's direction. Sam notices first and nudges Dean. They wrap up. Dean: All right. Well, we'll be in touch. Sam: Thank you. EXT. WOODS - DAY Dean and Sam are loading g*n at the trunk of the Impala. Bela approaches from behind. Bela: I see you got your car back. Dean: You really want to come near me when I got a loaded g*n in my hands? Bela: Now, now. Mind your blood pressure. Why are you even still here? You have enough to I.D. the boat. Sam: That guy back there saw the ship. Bela: Yeah? And? Sam: And he's going to die, so we have to save him. Bela: How sweet. Dean: You think this is funny? Bela: He's cannon fodder. He can't be saved in time, and you know it. Dean: Yeah, well, see, we have souls, so we're gonna try. Bela: Well, I'm actually going to find the ship and put an end to this. But you have fun. Dean: Hey, Bela, how'd you get like this, huh? What, did daddy not give you enough hugs or something? Bela: I don't know. Your daddy give you enough? Don't you dare look down your nose at me. You're not better than I am. Dean: We help people. Bela: Come on. You do this out of vengeance and obsession. You're a stone's throw from being a serial k*ller. Whereas I, on the other hand, I get paid to do a job and I do it. So, you tell me – which is healthier? Sam: Bela, why don't you just leave? We've got work to do. Bela: Yeah. You're 0 for 2. Bang-up job so far. She leaves. EXT. WARREN HOUSE - NIGHT Sam and Dean are staking out the home of PETER WARREN (the victim's brother). Sam is doing research. Dean: Anything good? Sam: No, not really. I mean, both brothers are Duke University grads. No criminal record. I mean, a few speeding tickets. They inherited their father's real estate fortune six years ago. Dean: How much? Sam: $112 million. Dean: (whistles) Nice life. Sam: Yeah. I mean, nice, clean, aboveboard. So why did they see the ship? Why Sheila, too? What do they all have in common? Dean: Maybe nothing. Sam: No. There's always something. PETER (spotting them) Hey, you! Dean: I think we've been made. They get out of the car and approach him. PETER What are you guys doing?! You watching me? Sam: Sir, calm down. Please. PETER You guys aren't cops! Not dressed like that. Not – not in that crappy car. Dean: Whoa, hey. No need to get nasty. Sam: We are cops, okay? We're undercover. We're here because we think you're in danger. PETER From who?! Sam: If you just settle down, we'll talk about it. PETER Look, you guys just stay away from me! Sam: Wait. Dean: Hey, you moron! We're trying to help you! Peter runs to his car and gets in, starts to drive off. Before he makes it to the gate, the car shudders and dies. Dean: That can't be good. Sam: No. Get the salt g*n. Dean runs back to the Impala as Sam dashes to help. Inside Peter's car, a spirit dressed in old seaman's clothes and a navy coat, his long hair dripping into his eyes, appears in the passenger's seat. It turns to Peter and glares, then reaches out to touch his cheek. Peter convulses, choking on water that spills out of his mouth and struggling to get a breath. He scrabbles for the door, which locks itself, and he slumps over. Sam arrives at the car. Sam: Peter! PETER doesn't respond, but the spirit glares straight at Sam. Dean arrives on the other side and aims the salt g*n at the spirit. Dean: Sam! Sam ducks as Dean fires. The spirit disappears, and Sam yanks the door open. He pulls Peter back and checks for a pulse, but after a few seconds his shoulders slump and he shakes his head at Dean. Dean kicks the door in frustration. END ACT TWO Sam & Dean are driving along in the Impala with the radio going, talking about the incoming weather. Dean: (Shuts off radio) Do you wanna say it or should I? Sam: What? Dean: You can't save everybody, Sam. Sam: Yeah, right, so – so what, you feel better now or what? Dean: No, not really. Sam: Me neither. Dean: You gotta understa– Sam: It's just lately, I feel like I can't save anybody. (Eerie music followed by a view of the Impala speeding along) (Outside the house Sam & Dean are staying in) Sam is reading, Dean on his phone. (A knock at the door) (Dean checks the door and sees that it is Bela; Sam & Dean share a long look before Dean opens the door.) Bela: Dear God, are you actually squatting? (b*at) So how'd things go last night with Peter? (Sam and Dean don't respond) Bela: That well, huh? Dean: If you say 'I told you so', I swear to God I'll start swinging. Bela: Look, I think the three of us should have a heart to heart. Dean: That's assuming that you have a heart. Bela: Dean, please... I'm sorry about what I said before, ok? I come bearing gifts. Sam: Such as? Bela: I've ID'd the ship. (b*at) It's the Espirito Santo, a merchant sailing vessel, quite a colourful history. In 1859 a sailor was accused of treason. He was tried aboard a ship in a kangaroo court and hanged. He was 37. Sam: Which would explain the 37 year cycle. Bela: Aren't you a sharp tack? (b*at) I have a photo of his somewhere... here. Dean: Isn't that the customer we saw last night? Bela: You saw him? Dean: Yeah, that's him, except he was missing a hand. Bela: His right hand? Sam: How'd you know? Bela: The sailor's body was cremated, but not before they cut off his hand to make a hand of glory. Dean: A hand of glory – I think I got one of those at the end of my Thai massage last week (laughs). Sam: Dean, the right hand of a hanged man is a serious cult object and is very powerful. Bela: So they say. Dean: And officially counts as remains. Sam: But still, none of this explains why the ghost is choosing these victims. Bela: I'll tell you why, who cares. Find the hand, burn it and stop the bloody thing. Dean: I don't get it. Why are you telling us all of this? Bela: Because I know exactly where the hand is. Dean: Where? Bela: At the Sea Pines Museum. It's a carp bit of maritime history. But I need help. Sam: What kind of help? (Later on, Bela is waiting in the living room of Sam & Dean's house; no one else is around.) Bela: (to Dean) What is taking so long? Sam's already halfway there... with his date. Dean: So not okay with this! Bela: What are you, a woman? Come down already. (James Bond theme tune as Dean descends the stairs) Dean: Alright, get it out – I look ridiculous. Bela: Not exactly the word I'd use. Dean: What? Bela: You know, when this is over, we should really have angry sex. Dean: (b*at) Don't objectify me. (b*at) Let's go. (Dean and Bela pull into the museum parking lot in the Impala) (murmurs from the black tie gathering) Bela: Are you chewing gum? (b*at) Try to behave as if you've lived this life before, yeah? GERT This'll get their tongues wagging, hey my Adonis. Sam: Just remember, we're on business. GERT Ohhhh, but sometimes business can be pleasure, hmm? Sam: Right. (b*at) You know, could you excuse me for a moment? Thanks. (Sam walks over to Bela and Dean) Exactly how long do you expect me to entertain my date? Bela: As long as it takes. Dean: Look, there's security all over this place, alright. This is an uncrashable party without Gert's invitation, so... Sam: We can crash anything, Dean. Dean: Yeah, I know, but this is easier and it's a lot more entertaining. Sam: You know there are limits to what I'll do, right? Dean: Ohhh, he's playing hard to get, that's cute. Come on. (sighs) I want all the details in the morning! Bela: Thank you. GERT To us. Bela: Private security? Dean: I don't think so, look at the way they're standing, they're pros. Probably state troopers in mood lighting. Bela: Posted at every door, too. Dean: Yeah, I don't think we're just going to be able to waltz upstairs. Bela: What do you suggest? Dean: I'm thinking. Bela: Don't strain yourself. (b*at) Interesting how the legend is so much more than the man. Dean: You got any bright ideas, I'm all ears. Bela: Okay. (Bela groans and falls to the floor. Dean kneels down next to her.) Dean: Honey, honey, are you alright? Waiter, my wife has a severe shellfish allergy. There's no crab in that? WAITER No, sir. Dean: (Taking a cake) They're excellent, by the way. Guard: What seems to be the trouble? Dean: Ahhh, champagne, my wife, she's a lightweight when it comes to the sauce. Is there somewhere I can lay her down till she gets her sea legs back? Guard: Follow me. Dean: Right. Thank you. Come on, you lush. (Dean groans as he lifts Bela up) Dean: (To Guard) You think she's a pain in the ass now, try living with her. Thank you very much. (To Bela) Maybe next time give me a little heads up with your plan? Bela: I didn't want you thinking, you're not very good at that. (Dean sighs) Bela: Oh, look at you searching for a witty rejoinder. Dean: Screw you. Bela: Very Oscar Wilde. Room 235, it's in a locked glass case wired for alarm, I'm sure that won't be a problem. Dean: (mimics) I'm sure that won't be a problem. (Downstairs) GERT Where's Alex and your friend? They're missing a great party. Sam: Umm, ah, I'm sure they're entertaining themselves. GERT Oooh, naughty. Then I guess we'll just have to entertain ourselves as well. Sam: Woah… (GERT giggles) you know, Mrs. Case (GERT ooo's), I'm sorry, Ms.Case... I don't wanna give you the wrong idea. GERT Call me Gert. Sam: (makes an awkward noise) Okay. GERT You remind me of my late husband... he was shy too, till we got below deck. (offscreen, GERT grabs at Sam's butt) Sam: Whoa! GERT Mmmm, you're just firm all over, ooh, mmm. (Dean is upstairs retrieving the hand of glory) (We see Bela moving around in a different room) (Knocks on door) Guard: Sir? Ma'am? Everything alright? Bela: (answers the door clutching at her dress) Hi. Guard: Feeling better, I see. Bela: Yes, much, thank you. Guard: So, if you're done with the room... Bela: Well... not exactly, could we have a few more minutes? Guard: Uhhh, yes ma'am. Bela: (Bela closes the door and giggles) Dean: Oh sorry, ssss'uh... nature called. Guard: Uh huh. Dean: Thanks for looking after my wife. Guard: Oh, she's being looked after alright. Dean: Any trouble? Bela: Nothing I couldn't handle. The hand, may I? Dean: No. Bela: It might be more inconspicuous in my purse. Dean: Nice try. Bela: Just trying to be helpful. Dean: Well, sweetheart, I don't need your kind of help. (Downstairs) Sam: Man, this is one long song. GERT (Breathes deeply) I hope it never ends. How's the investigation going? Sam: These things take time. GERT People are talking about the Warren brothers' deaths. Strange. Do you think it's connected to Shelia's? Sam: Yeah, yeah, we think so. GERT I think they had it coming, you know. In a biblical sort of way. Sam: What do you mean? GERT You know about their father? Sam: No? GERT Come here, I'll whisper it to you. People say that the old man didn't die of natural causes. Sam: Then how? GERT Rumor is the boys did it. Nothing was ever proven, but people still whisper. Sam: Okay, okay. So... did Shelia have any connection to them? GERT None that I know of. Sam: Did Shelia have any kind of tragedy in her life? GERT Yes, as a matter of fact there was a... car accident when she was a teenager. Sam: What happened? GERT Her car flipped over, she was okay but her cousin Brian was k*lled. Why, is that important? Bela: Well, having a nice time? GERT He's delightful... he wants me! Bela (to Sam & Dean) I'm going to get Gert into a cold shower. See you at the cemetery. Dean (to Sam) You stink like sex. (Sam & Dean in the Impala) Sam: You got it right? Tell me I didn't get groped all night by Mrs. Havisham for nothing. Dean: I got it... Mrs. Who? Sam: Never mind, just let me see it. What? (Dean takes a ship in a bottle out of his jacket pocket.) Dean: I'm gonna k*ll her. (In Bela's car) (The ghost ship approaches) Bela: Oh, no. END ACT THREE The house Sam & Dean are squatting in is lit by candles. Dean You know what, you're right. I'm not gonna k*ll her. I think slow t*rture is the way to go. Sam: Dean, look, you gotta relax. Dean Relax, oh yeah, yeah, I'll relax. (grunts) I can't believe she got another one over on us. Sam: You. Dean What? Sam: I...I mean she got one over on you, not us. Dean (loudly) Thank you, Sam. Very helpful. (Anxious knocking at the door) Bela Hello, could you open up? (Dean opens the door) Just let me explain... I sold it, I've had a buyer lined up since I knew it existed. Sam: So the whole reason for us going to the Charity Ball was...? Bela I needed a cover. You were convenient. Sam: Look, you sold it to a buyer, just go buy it back. Bela It's halfway across the ocean. I can't get it back in time. Dean In time for what? Sam: What's going on with you, Bela? You look like you've seen a ghost. Bela I saw the ship. Dean You what? Wow, you know, I knew you were an immoral thieving con artist bitch but just when I thought my opinion of you couldn't get any lower – Bela What are you talking about? Sam: We figured out the spirit's motive. (He shows Bela a photograph) This is the captain of our ship. The one who hung our ghost boy. Bela So? Sam: So they were brothers. Very Cain and Abel. So now our spirit, he's going after a very specific kind of target – people who've spilled their own family's blood. See first there was Shelia who k*lled her cousin in a car accident, and the Warren brothers, who m*rder their father for the inheritance, and now you. Bela My God. Dean So who was it, Bela? Hmmm? Who'd you k*ll? Was it daddy? Little sis, maybe? Bela It's none of your business. Dean No, you're right. Well, have a nice life – you know, whatever's left of it. Sam, let's go. Bela You can't just leave me here. Dean Watch us. Bela Please. I need your help. Dean Our help? Now how could a couple of serial K*llers possibly help you? Bela Okay, that was a bit harsh, I admit it, but it doesn't warrant a death sentence. Sam: That's not why you're gonna die. What did you do, Bela? Bela You wouldn't understand, no one did. Never mind, I'll just do what I've always done, I'll deal with it myself. Dean You do realise you just sold the one thing that could save your life. Bela: I'm aware. Sam: But, maybe not the only thing. (In the graveyard) (Sam is setting up a kind of sacrificial circle) Bela Do you really think this is going to work? Dean Almost definitely not. (An angry storm starts) Dean Sammy, you better start reading. Sam: Aziel, Castiel, Lamisniel, Rabam… (assorted Latin) Dean Stay close! Bela Behind you! (Dean groans. A g*n is fired as Dean is thrown through the air) (Bela begins coughing up water, Dean comes to her aid) Dean Sammy, read faster! (Bela begins to weep) SAILOR's GHOST You... hanged me. SAILOR's BROTHER I'm sorry. SAILOR's GHOST Your own brother. SAILOR's BROTHER I'm so sorry. (screams) (The two ghosts charge at one another) END ACT FOUR (Sam & Dean are packing, getting ready to leave their squatted residency) (The door opens and Bela walks in) Bela: You boys should learn to lock your doors. Anyone could just barge in. Sam: Anyone just did. Have you come to say goodbye or thank you? Bela: I've come to settle affairs. Giving the spirit what he really wanted, his own brother – very clever, Sam. So here. It's ten thousand – that should cover it. I don't like being in anyone's debt. Dean: So ponying up ten grand is easier for you than a simple thank you? You are so damaged. Bela: Takes on to know one. Goodbye lads. Sam: She's got style, you gotta give her that. Dean: I suppose. Sam: You know, Dean, we don't know where this money's been. Dean: No, but I know where it's going... A-HA HA. (Later on in the Impala, Sam is looking at a map, Dean is driving) Sam: Seriously, Atlantic City? Dean: Hell yeah, play some roulette. Always bet on black. Hey listen, I've been doing some thinking. Um, I want you to know I understand why you did it. I understand why you went after the crossroads demon. (Sam sighs) Dean: And if the situation was reversed I guess I'd done the Same thing. I mean I'm not blind, I see what you're going through with this whole deal, me going away and all that. But you're gonna be okay. Sam: You think so. Dean: Yeah, you'll keep hunting, y'know, you live your life. You're stronger than me, you are (Sam clears his throat) you are... you'll get over it. But I want you to know I'm sorry, I'm sorry for... putting you through all this, I am. Sam: You know what, Dean, go screw yourself. Dean: What? Sam: I don't want an apology from you – and by the way, I'm a big boy now, I can take care of myself. Dean: Oh, well, excuse me. Sam: So will you please quit worrying about me? I mean that's the whole problem in the first place. I don't want you to worry about me, Dean, I want you to worry about you. I want you to give a crap that you're dying! (Dean says nothing) So, what, that's it? Nothing else to say for you? Dean: I think maybe I'll play craps. (Sam sighs) (Titles) END EPISODE

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "03x06 - Red Sky at Morning"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 15 Nov 2007 EXT. ROAD - NIGHT Bela approaches her car and is startled by a figure just as she reaches it. It is Gordon. Bela: It's rude to sneak up on people. Gordon: Bela Talbot. Bela: You have me at a disadvantage. I don't know who you are. Gordon: Gordon Walker. Bela: I've heard of you. Heard you were in prison. Gordon: Got out. Bela: Released early on good behavior? She has opened the car door and casually reaches inside; Gordon holds up a small g*n. Gordon: You looking for this? (He removes the clip) I know you were just in Massachusetts, and I know you were with the Winchester boys. Tell me where they are. Bela: I don't think i know. Gordon: (pulling another, larger g*n on her) Why don't you think a little harder? Bela: Put that down. What's so pressing about finding the boys,anyway? Gordon: Sam Winchester's the Antichrist. Bela: I'd heard something about that... Gordon: It's true. Bela: ... from my good friend, the Easter Bunny, who'd heard it from the Tooth Fairy. Are you off your meds? Gordon: The world hangs in the balance. So you go ahead and be a smart-ass, but tell me where they are, or I sh**t. Bela: Gordon, you and I don't know each other very well, so let me tell you a little something about me. I don't respond well to thr*at, but you make me an offer, and I think you'll find me highly cooperative. Gordon: Okay. (lowers the g*n) How about... (raises the g*n) you tell me where they are, or I k*ll you right now? Bela: k*ll me. Good luck finding Sam and Dean. Gordon: I can wrangle up three grand. Bela: I don't get out of bed for three grand. Gordon: You... As he lowers his arm, Bela sees a small cloth bag hanging at his belt. Her eyes light up. Bela: Scratch that. Give me the mojo bag, and we'll call it even. Gordon: Oh, hell no. This thing's a century old. it's... Bela: Priceless. Believe me, I know. Now, how badly do you want the Winchesters? (Gordon tosses her the bag, she pulls out her cell phone and dials.) Hello, Dean? Hey, where are you? END Teaser EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT Sam and Dean find a man lying bleeding but conscious on the ground. He has been bitten in the neck. They crouch over him. Sam: Hey, hey. don't worry. We're gonna call you some help,okay? Dean: Where is she? Where'd she go?! The man gestures vaguely down the alley. Sam stays with the man as Dean runs off in that direction. He stops in the middle of an open space, raises his machete and slowly draws it across his left forearm, drawing blood. He holds the bleeding arm up. Dean: Smell that?! Come and get it! (A young woman emerges from a side alley and stares at him; her chin is covered in blood.) That's right. Come on. I smell good, don't I? I taste even better. (the vampire approaches cautiously, he drops the machete) Come on! Free lunch! The vampire charges; as she grabs him and sinks her teeth into his neck, Dean whips out a syringe and plunges it into herneck. She convulses and falls to the ground, unconscious. Sam comes running, frowns at Dean. Dean: What? Sam: Cutting it a little close, don't you think? Dean: Ah, that's just chum in the water. Worked,didn't it? INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY It is a dingier room than the Winchesters usually occupy; old mattresses line the walls, blocking out all external light. The vampire is tied to a chair in the middle of the room; Sam and Dean circle her. Dean: You with us? (she wakes up fully, struggles against her bonds) Oh, yeah, sorry. You're not going anywhere. Sam: Where's your nest? VAMPIRE What? Dean: Your nest... where you and your bloodsucking pals hang out. VAMPIRE I don't know what you're talking about. Please! I don't feel good. Dean: Yeah, well, you're gonna feel a hell of a lot worse if we give you another sh*t of d*ad man's blood. VAMPIRE Just let me go. Dean: Yeah, you know we can't do that. VAMPIRE I'm telling you the truth. I'm just... I took something. I'm freaking out! I don't know what's going on! Sam: You took something? VAMPIRE (freaking out) Yes! I can't...come down. I just want to come down. Sam: What's your name? VAMPIRE Lucy. Please,just let me go. Sam: All right, Lucy, how about this? If you tell us what happened, we'll let you go. LUCY You will? (she looks at Dean, who nods, then sh**t Sam a confused look over her head) Uh, I don't really... um, it's not that clear. I was at Spider. Sam: Spider? LUCY The club on Jefferson. And there was this guy... he was buying me drinks. Sam: This guy... what's he look like? LUCY He was old, like thirty. He had brown hair, a leather jacket... Deacon or Dixon or something. Said he was a dealer... he had something for me. Sam: Something? LUCY Something new. "Better than anything you've ever tried." He put a few drops in my drink. Dean: Was the drug red and thick? (she nods) Well, genius move there. That was vampire blood he dosed you with. LUCY What? Dean: You just took a big sh*t of the nastiest virus out there. LUCY You're crazy! He gave me roofies or something! No... The next thing I know,we're at his place, and he says he's gonna get me something to eat, just wait. But I get so hungry. Dean: So you busted out? LUCY (nods) But it won't wear off... whatever he gave me? Dean: Lights are too bright? Sunshine hurt your skin? LUCY Yeah... And smells. And I can... hear blood pumping. Dean: I hate to tell you this, sweetheart, but your blood's never pumping again. LUCY Not mine... yours. I can hear a heart beating from half a block away. I just want it to stop. Dean: It's not going to stop. You've already k*lled two people... almost three. LUCY No, I couldn't. I was hallucinating! Dean: You k*lled them, all right? We've been following a sloppy trail of corpses, and it leads straight to you. LUCY No. No, it wasn't real! It was the drug! Please! Please,you have to help me! (Sam jerks his head at Dean, they both get up to leave) No, no. Sam: (in the next room) Poor girl. Dean: We don't have a choice. Sam nods. Dean takes his machete back in the room LUCY No...please! We stay in closeup on Sam's face as he watches Dean decapitate LUCY. He flinches. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY The man that Sam and Dean rescued is in a hospital bed, a bandage on his neck and an I.V. in his arm. Two hunters impersonating FBI agents enter: Gordon and KUBRICK. Gordon: Sir, a few questions about the att*ck. Man: I already talked to the cops. Gordon: (flashing a badge) Well, we're not cops. We're FBI. Man: FBI? Gordon: Can you describe your attacker? Man: She was crazy. She had that, uh, super-PCP strength,you know? She gnawed on my neck. Gordon: And did she bleed on you? Man: On me, no. Gordon: In your mouth, open wound, anything? You sure about that? Man: Yeah, I'm sure. why? Gordon: This woman has a very dangerous virus. Man: What? She bit me in the neck! KUBRICK The bite doesn't matter. You have to actually ingest the blood to be infected. Gordon: Good thing,too. We'd have had to k*ll you. (the man laughs nervously but Gordon just stares at him, d*ad serious.) The att*ck? Man: She jumped me, then bit me. Then those two guys found me and chased her down the alley. Gordon: What did they look like? Man: I didn't get a good look. Gordon: Think. Man: One of them was real tall. Gordon turns and gives KUBRICK a darkly significant look. EXT. SPIDER - NIGHT Sam and Dean exit Spider, a club with red lights and beautiful young people drinking things. They look frustrated. Dean: That was a big, fat waste of time. Sam: Look, three blondes have gone missing,including Lucy, all last sighted here. I'm telling you, Dean, this is the hunting ground. Across the way, Dean sees a 30-something man duck into an alley with his arm around a young blonde. Dean: (pointing them out to Sam) Hey. EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT In the alley across from the club, the man holds up a dropper full of red liquid, and the girl giggles. Girl: You're sick. Man: You ready, sweetie? One taste of this, you'll never be the Same. He raises the dropper; she opens her mouth and sticks her tongue out to catch the drops. Before any can fall in, Dean grabs the man's arm, pulls it down, and clocks him in the face. Sam pulls the girl away and shoves her towards the mouth of the alley. Sam: Get out of here. go! go! The vampire hurls Dean into a brick wall, then takes off at a run. Sam goes over and helps Dean up. Sam: Dean! Dean: I'm good. Come on. The take off after the vampire; as they hurtle around the corner, the vampire is nowhere in sight. But facing them, g*n at their sides, are Gordon and KUBRICK. Gordon raises his g*n. END ACT ONE EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT Gordon and KUBRICK advance, f*ring freely. Sam and Dean dive behind parked cars and manage to entirely avoid getting sh*t. They duck behind a wall and crouch, waiting. Gordon and KUBRICK reload. Dean: All right. Run. I'll draw them off. Sam: What?! You're crazy! Ignoring him, Dean darts out into the line of f*re, leaps on top of a car and uses it to get over a second-story parking lot entrance. KUBRICK follows him; Gordon stays behind and heads for where Sam had been hiding. As he rounds a corner, a figure leaps down on him from above, sending him sprawling: it is the VAMPIRE. He kicks Gordon in the face several times and knocks him out. INT MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Sam is pacing alone, worried. Dean enters. Sam: There you are! Dean: (unconcerned) Yeah. Sorry, I stopped for a slice. Sam: Nice move you pulled back there, Dean, running right at the w*apon. Dean: Well, what can I say? I'm a bad-ass. (he continues to ignore Sam's worry-face) So, I guess Gordon's out of jail. Sam: Uh, yeah, I guess so. You know, how the hell did he know where to find us? Dean: (realizing) That bitch. (he pulls out his cell phone and dials) Hi, Bela. Bela: (on the phone, while driving) Hello, Dean. Dean: Question for you. When you called me yesterday, it wasn't to thank me for saving your ass, was it? Bela: Gordon Walker paid me to tell him where you were. Dean: Excuse me? Bela: Well, he had a g*n on me. What else was I supposed to do? Dean: I don't know, maybe pick up the phone and tell us that a raging psychopath was dropping by! Bela: I did fully intend to call. I just got a bit sidetracked. Dean: He tried to k*ll us! Bela: I'm sorry. i didn't realize it was such big deal. After all,there are two of you and one of him. Dean: There were two of them. (her face falls) Bela, if we make it out of this alive, the first thing I'm gonna do is k*ll you. Bela: You're not serious. Dean: Listen to my voice and tell me if I'm serious. He hangs up; in her car, Bela looks at her phone in worry. INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT The VAMPIRE's lair is a warehouse with a neon sign outside reading "TRADE CO". Inside, Gordon is tied spread-eagled to a metal bedframe. He painfully regains consciousness. He looks across the room and can see candles, some armchairs, and two young women strung up in shackles, dangling from their wrists. They move sluggishly. The VAMPIRE enters with a jar of blood. VAMPIRE (approaching the first girl and feeding her the blood, which she gulps desperately) I know you're uncomfortable... but this is just temporary. The hunger will pass, and then you'll feel much better. (he moves onto the second girl and notices Gordon) You're awake. Gordon: Who are they? VAMPIRE Family. Gordon: You always keep your family in shackles? VAMPIRE We're still getting to know each other. They've just been reborn. Gordon: You mean you grabbed some poor girls off the street and made them monsters like you. VAMPIRE I do what I have to. We're a dying breed. But then you know that, don't you Gordon? Gordon Walker: one of the greatest living vampire hunters. Gordon: In the flesh. VAMPIRE You're a big part of why my people are nearly extinct. Gordon: Your "people" are going extinct because you're a bunch of mindless, bloodthirsty animals. VAMPIRE Right. We're so much more bloodthirsty than you. Hunters slaughtered my entire nest like they were having a party. m*rder my daughter. I can't tell you how satisfying this is... catching a hunter responsible for so many deaths and making you lunch for my new daughters. Gordon: (scoffing) "Daughters?" Try "fang whores." VAMPIRE Watch your mouth. Gordon: Oh, did I hurt your feelings? I'm sorry. I forgot you're just a misunderstood victim. Even though you m*rder and spread your filthy disease on pure base instinct. You got less humanity than a sewer rat. VAMPIRE I'm sorry you have such a low opinion of my people. Gordon: Oh, you have no idea. VAMPIRE (kneeling over him) Sorry, change of plans. I'll be going out to get your lunch. I've got a better idea for you. He takes a Kn*fe and slices open Gordon's arm, then his own, and presses the cuts together. Gordon struggles and stares in horror. Gordon: No! No! No! INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Dean sharpens his machete on a sharpening stone while Sam cleans a g*n beside him. Sam: That vampire's still out there, Dean. Dean: First things first. Sam: Gordon. Dean: About that. When we find him, or if he finds us... I'm just saying he's not leaving us a whole lot of options. Sam: (calmly) Yeah, I know. We've got to k*ll him. Dean: Really? Just like that? I thought you would have been like, (mock-whiny voice) "No, we can't, he's human, it's wrong." Sam: No, I'm done. Gordon's not gonna stop until we're d*ad... or till he is. Dean's cell phone rings; he looks at it, scowls, and picks up angrily. Dean: What?! Bela: (on the other end, still driving) I don't like it when people hold grudges against me, and more to the point, I'd rather you didn't k*ll me, so I went ahead and found Gordon's exact location for you. Dean: You're a hundred miles away. How the hell did you... Bela: Hello? Purveyor of powerful occult objects? I used a talking board to contact the other side. Dean: And? Bela: Warehouse. Two stories, riverfront, neon sign outside. Dean: Thanks. Bela: One more thing. The spirit had a message for you. "Leave town, run like hell, and whatever you do, don't go after Gordon." For whatever that's worth. INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT Gordon awakens again; this time he's hanging by his wrists from the ceiling. The following scene is shown from Gordon's POV as lights and noises become overwhelming. His eyes are bloodshot. He struggles with his chains, ripping them out of the ceiling after a few tries. As he unwinds them from his wrists, the girls (still chained up) speak. GIRLS Please... Help us. Please. EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT Cut to: Gordon walking outside. He flinches at every sudden light and sound, stares up at a loudly buzzing, glaringly bright street lamp. He covers his ears in agony as a car passes him, trailing red light behind. Across the alley he sees a man crouched in front of his car, changing a tire. Gordon struggles, then staggers over to a window and leans against it, panting. He looks up at his reflection in the glass and bares his teeth; fangs emerge to fill his mouth. Cut to: The man finishes changing the tire and gets in his car. Before he can start the ignition, Gordon sits up suddenly in the back seat and grabs the man from behind. From outside, we see the car shake violently and a spray of blood stain the windowshield. END ACT TWO INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT Sam and Dean creep down the steps into the room where Gordon had been held. The bodies of the girls are still hanging, headless, and the VAMPIRE is kneeling in front of them. Dean takes a Kn*fe from the table and approaches him slowly; he hears Dean coming but doesn't move. VAMPIRE Go ahead. Do it. k*ll me Sam: What happened here? VAMPIRE Gordon Walker. I never should have brought a hunter here. Never. I just... I just wanted some kind of revenge. Stupid... exposing him to my family. Dean: Oh, yeah, you're such a family man. VAMPIRE You don't understand. Dean: I don't want to understand, you son of-- VAMPIRE I was desperate. You ever felt desperate? I've lost everyone I ever loved. I'm staring down eternity alone. Can you think of a worse hell? Dean: Well, there's Hell. VAMPIRE I wasn't thinking. I just, I didn't care anymore. Do you know it's like when you just don't give a damn? It's like... it's like being d*ad already. So just go ahead. Do it Sam: (inspecting the headless bodies) Dean. Head wasn't cut off, it was ripped off. With someone's bare hands. Dixon, what did you do to Gordon? INT. KUBRICK's MOTOR HOME - NIGHT KUBRICK hears a noise, pulls back the curtains to look outside. When he turns around again, Gordon is there, staring at him. KUBRICK (cautiously) Gordon. You okay? Gordon: Not even close. KUBRICK I thought maybe you were d*ad. What is it? Gordon: Something happened. KUBRICK What? Gordon: They turned me. KUBRICK Those fangs? I'm sorry. You know what this means. Gordon: It means you have to k*ll me. (grabbing him by the shoulders) But not yet. KUBRICK What do you mean? Gordon: You have to let me do one last thing first KUBRICK What? Gordon: k*ll Sam Winchester KUBRICK Gordon... Gordon: It's the only... it is the one good thing to come out of this nightmare KUBRICK Gordon, I'm sorry, you know I can't let you walk out of here Gordon: Listen to me. There is nothing more important. Please. I can do one last good thing for the world Gordon is facing the crucifix on the wall; behind him, out of sight, KUBRICK carefully reaches for his machete. Gordon hears KUBRICK's heart rate increase. KUBRICK Yeah. I hear you. You know, Gordon, you're right. One last good thing. KUBRICK approaches with the blade, and at the last moment Gordon turns, driving his hand into KUBRICK's guts. He pulls his gory hand out and stares at it; KUBRICK slumps forward onto his shoulder. Gordon: (whispered) I'm sorry. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Dean enters the room, frustrated, and removes his jacket. Sam is seated at the table, poring over maps. Dean: Man, I must have checked three dozen motels, empty buildings,warehouses Sam: Yeah, me too. Big city. Dean: (washing his face in the sink) It's like a giant haystack, and Gordon's a deadly needle. We're running out of daylight. Won't have the sun slowing him down Sam: Yeah, he'll be unstoppable. Hey,give me your phone Dean: What for? Sam: (pulling out the SIM cards from his and Dean's phones) Well, if Gordon knows our cell numbers he can use the cell signal to track us down Dean: Oh, yeah, thanks. Sam stomps on both phones as Dean looks out the curtains. Dean walks back with a sense of purpose. Dean: Sammy, stay here. Sam: What? where you going now? Dean: (pulling the COLT out of his bag and checking it) I'm going after gordon Sam: What? Dean: You heard me. Sam: Not alone,you're not. Dean: Sam, I don't need you to sign me a permission slip,okay? He's after you, not me, and he's turbocharged. I want you to stay out of harm's way. I'll take care of it. Sam: You're not going by yourself, you're gonna get k*lled Dean: Just another day at the office. It's a massively dangerous day at the office Sam: So you're the guy with nothing to lose now, huh? Oh wait, let me guess. Because, uh, it's because you're already d*ad, right? Dean: If the shoe fits Sam: You know what, man? I'm sick and tired of your kamikaze trip Dean: Whoa, whoa, kamikaze? I'm more like a ninja. Sam: That's not funny. Dean: It's a little funny. Sam: No, it's not. Dean: What do you want me to do, Sam, huh? Sit around all day writing sad poems about how I'm gonna die? You know what? I got one. Let's see, what rhymes with "shut up, Sam"? Sam: Dude, drop the attitude, Dean. Quit turning everything into a punch line. And you know something else? Stop trying to act like you're not afraid Dean: I'm not! Sam: You're lying. You may as well drop it 'cause I can see right through you. Dean: You got no idea what you're talking about. Sam: Yeah, I do. You're scared, Dean. You're scared because your year is running out, and you're still going to Hell, and you're freaked. Dean: And how do you know that? Sam: Because I know you! Dean: Really? Sam: Yeah,i've been following you around my entire life! I mean, I've been looking up to you since i was four, Dean. Studying you, trying to be just like my big brother. So yeah, I know you. Better than anyone else in the entire world. And this is exactly how you act when you're terrified. And, I mean, I can't blame you. It's just... Dean: What? Sam: I wish you would drop the show and be my brother again. 'Cause... just 'cause. Dean: (after a pause) All right, we'll hole up, cover our scent so he can't track us, and wait the night out here. LATER, Dean barricades the doors and windows as Sam lights incense. Sam: You've had that phone two hours, Dean. Who'd you give the number to? Dean: Nobody (picks up) Hello? Gordon: Dean. Dean: How'd you get this number? Gordon: Your scent's all over the cellphone store. Of course, I can't smell you now. Where are you? Dean: I guess you'll just have to find us Gordon: I'd rather you come to me Dean: What's the matter, Gordo? You're not afraid of us, are you? We're just sitting here. Bring it on! Gordon: I don't think so. He holds the phone in front of the Girl who is his hostage. Girl: (crying) Please. Please. Gordon: (taking the phone back and shushing her) Factory on riverside off the turnpike. Be here in 20 minutes or the girl dies. Dean: Gordon, let the girl go. Gordon: Bye, Dean. Dean: Gordon! Don't do this. You don't k*ll innocent people. You're still a hunter. Gordon: No. I'm a monster. END ACT THREE INT. FACTORY - NIGHT Dean and Sam find the hostage and untie her. Sam: Hey, we got you. Don't worry. We're gonna get you out of here. (he helps her up) Get up. Watch your head. Watch your head. The girl is sobbing and can barely walk, so Dean slings her arm over his shoulders and picks her up. Dean: Sam, stay close. Sam follows Dean and the girl closely, but not closely enough: a mechanized door suddenly slides down in front of Sam, cutting him off from the others. He and Dean both pound and kick at the door, to no avail. Dean: Sam! Sam: Dean! Dean: Damn it, Sam! Sam pounds the door one last time in frustration, then turns and walks away from it, eyes darting around. Then the lights go out. Sam freezes, brings his machete up, and starts creeping around with his other arm held out blindly. Sam: Gordon... you got me where you want me. You might as well come out and fight! Gordon: (appearing behind him) I'm right here, Sam. What's the matter, Sammy? Sam: So,this is really the way you want to do it, huh? Gordon: Damn right I do. You have no idea what I faced to get here. I lost everything. My life. But it's worth it, 'cause I'm finally gonna k*ll the most dangerous thing I ever hunted. You're not human, Sam. Sam: Look who's talking. Gordon: You're right. I'm a bloodthirsty k*ller. Sam: Don't talk about it like you don't have a choice. Gordon: I don't. Sam: Yes you do, Gordon. You didn't k*ll that girl. Gordon: No, I didn't. I did something much,much worse. MEANWHILE, on the other side of the door Dean is still hacking away. As he tosses the tool away in frustration, the girl vamps out and att*cks, knocking him to the ground. Dean digs in his pocket and pulls out the COLT, and fires a single b*llet into her forehead. She convulses, energy crackling, and slumps to the floor. MEANWHILE, Sam is still feeling around blindly as Gordon taunts him. Gordon: I got to hand it to you, Sam. You got a lot of people fooled. But see, I know the truth. I know what it's like. We're the Same now, you and me. I know how it is walking around with something evil inside you. It's just too bad you won't do the right thing and k*ll yourself. I'm gonna... as soon as i'm done with you. Two last good deeds. k*lling you, and k*lling myself. Gordon att*cks, sending them both flying through the wall separating them from Dean. They struggle on the ground and Gordon knocks away Sam's machete. Gordon picks Sam and flings him across the room. Dean comes up from behind and points the COLT at Gordon's head, but Gordon is too fast for him; he stops Dean's g*n-arm, flings him across the room, then pins him against the wall and sinks his teeth into Dean's neck. Sam picks himself up in time to see this. Sam: No! Sam charges Gordon and clocks him across the back of the neck. Gordon turns away from Dean and knocks Sam down, then slams him across a worktable. Sam manages to grab a piece of cloth and an end of razor wire in each hand; as Gordon pins him down again Sam wraps the razor wire around Gordon's neck and pulls. Gordon begins to choke out a death-rattle, and Sam glares, grits his teeth and pulls harder. Blood drips from his hands where the razor wire is cutting in, and yet he pulls harder, until he cuts all the way through Gordon's neck and sends his head tumbling. He pants from the effort, stares down at Gordon's head on the ground, and examines his bloody hands. Dean staggers to his feet, clutching his neck in pain. He's still holding the COLT. He looks down in surprise at the headless Gordon, then back up at Sam, who shrugs. They stumble off together, neither of them moving very well. Dean: You just charged a super-vamped-out Gordon with no w*apon. That's a little reckless, don't you think? END ACT FOUR EXT. TWO-LANE BLACKTOP -- DAY Dean is under the hood of the Impala, poking at something. Sam opens a cooler and pulls out two beers, then shuts the lid and sits on it. He opens one bottle and passes it to Dean. Sam: Here you go. Dean: Thanks. Sam: Figure out what's making that rattle? Dean: Not yet. Give me a box wrench, would you? Sam: Yeah. There you go. Dean: Thanks. (he takes the wrench, then looks thoughtful. Sam. Sam: Wrong one? Dean: No, come here for a second. Sam: (gets up and leans over the hood with Dean. Yeah. Dean: (gesturing) This rattle could be a couple of things. I'm thinking it's an out-of-tune carb. Sam: (confused) Okay. Dean: All right, see this thing? It's a valve cover. Inside are all the parts that are on the head. Hand me that socket wrench. (Sam does) All right, you with me so far? Sam: Yeah, uh, valve cover covers the heads. Dean: Very good. This is your intake manifold, and on top of it? (pauses) Sam: (smiling fondly, like he's remembering something) It's, uh, a carburetor. Dean: Carburetor... very good. Sam: What's with the auto shop? (Dean holds out the socket wrench) You don't mean you want... Dean: Yeah, I do. You fix it. Sam: Dean, you barely let me drive this thing. Dean: Well, it's time. You should know how to fix it. You're gonna need to know these things for the future. And besides, that's my job, right? Show my little brother the ropes? Sam nods and takes the wrench, leans in and starts unscrewing. Dean sits on the cooler and turns slightly to watch Sam. Dean: Put your shoulder into it. END EPISODE

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "03x07 - Fresh Blood"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 13 Dec 2007 The word "SPECIAL" in large glowing letters rotates and becomes "A SPECIAL PRESENTATION". SEATTLE, WASHINGTON: ONE YEAR AGO INT. HOUSE – CHRISTMAS NIGHT The living room is decorated for Christmas. The doorbell rings and a boy opens the door. STEVIE: Merry Christmas, Grandpa. GRANDPA: Oh, Merry Christmas to you too, Stevie. (Hugs his grandson tight and comes inside) STEVIE: Did you bring me any presents? GRANDPA: Now, why would I want to do that? STEVIE: 'Cause it's Christmas. GRANDPA: Oh, I thought Santa Claus brought the presents at Christmas. You have been a good boy this year, haven't you? STEVIE: I have, I swear. GRANDPA: Well, then, who knows? Maybe he'll come. CUT TO: GRANDPA is dressing as SANTA next to the Christmas tree. He puts on a fake beard and Santa's hat and jingles some bells. STEVIE walks part of the way down the stairs and watches SANTA/GRANDPA take presents out of a big red bag. STEVIE: Santa! (whispered) SANTA/GRANDPA is still taking presents from his bag when suddenly thumping sounds come from the roof. STEVIE: Reindeer! (whispered) SANTA/GRANDPA looks confused, but returns his attention to his bag. More sounds are heard, like someone is walking on the roof. SANTA/GRANDPA looks up, but the sounds stop again. Ash falls from the chimney into the fireplace. SANTA/GRANDPA investigates while STEVIE watches from the staircase. Suddenly hands grab SANTA/GRANDPA and pull him up the chimney. SANTA/GRANDPA screams. STEVIE: Santa? One of SANTA/GRANDPA's boots falls from the chimney, with bloodstains on it. A VERY SUPERNATURAL CHRISTMAS YPSILANTI, MICHIGAN: PRESENT DAY EXT. HOUSE – DAY A girl is looking outside through the glass door and a woman stands outside, being interviewed. Woman: Um, my daughter and I were in our beds. Mike was downstairs decorating the tree. I heard a thump on the roof and then I heard Mike scream, and now I'm talking to the FBI. Dean: And you didn't see any of it? Woman: No, he was… he was just gone. Dean: The doors were locked? There was no forced entry? Woman: That's right. Dean: Does anybody else have a key? Woman: My parents. Dean: Where do they live? Woman: Florida. Sam walks out of the house. Sam: Thanks for letting me have a look around, Mrs. Walsh. I think we, uh, got just about everything we need. We're all set. Dean: We'll be in touch. Mrs. WALSH nods. Dean and Sam walk down the steps. Mrs. WALSH: Agents… Dean and Sam turn around. Mrs. WALSH: The police said my husband might have been kidnapped. Dean: Could be. Mrs. WALSH: Then why haven't the kidnappers called? O-or – or demanded a ransom? It's three days till Christmas. What am I supposed to tell our daughter? Sam: We're very sorry. Sam and Dean walk away and Mrs WALSH turns to go inside. Dean: Find anything? Sam: (Sighs) Stocking, mistletoe… this. (Gives Dean something out of his pocket) Dean: A tooth? Where was this? (Examines the tooth) Sam: In the chimney. Dean: Chimney? No way a man fits up a chimney. It's too narrow. Sam: No way he fits up in one piece. Dean: Alright, so, if dad went up the chimney— Sam: We need to find out what dragged him up there. INT. MOTEL – DAY Pictures of demons are pinned up on the wall. Sam is searching the internet for information about demons. The door opens and Dean walks inside, carrying a brown paper bag. Dean: So, was I right? Is it the serial-k*lling chimney sweep? Sam: Yep. It's, uh, it's actually Dick Van d*ke. Dean: Who? Sam: Mary Poppins. Dean: Who's that? Sam: Oh come on— never mind. (Waves his hand) Dean: It turns out that Walsh is the second guy in town grabbed out of his house this month. Sam: Oh yeah? Dean: Yeah. Sam: The other guy get dragged up the chimney, too? Dean: Don't know. Witnesses said they heard a thump on the roof. So, what the hell do you think we're dealing with? Sam: Actually, I have an idea. Dean: Yeah? Sam: Uh, it's gonna sound crazy. Dean: What could you possibly say that sounds crazy to me? Sam: Um… evil Santa. (Smiles) Dean: (Pauses and then nods) Yeah, that's crazy. Sam: Yeah… I mean, I'm just saying that there's some version of the anti-Claus in every culture. (Shows Dean some evil Santa pictures) You got Belsnickel, Krampus, Black Peter. (Dean takes the pictures from Sam) Whatever you want to call it, there's all sorts of lore. Dean: Saying what? Sam: Saying back in the day, Santa's brother went rogue and now he shows up around Christmas time, but instead of bringing presents, he punishes the wicked. Dean: By hauling their ass up chimneys? Sam: For starters, yeah. Dean: So, this is your theory, huh? Santa's shady brother? Sam: Well, I'm just saying that's what the lore says. Dean: Santa doesn't have a brother. There is no Santa. Sam: Yeah, I know. You're the one who told me that in the first place, remember. (Looks at Dean, who looks down, then sighs) Yeah, you know what, I could be wrong. Dean: Maybe, maybe not. Sam: What? Dean: I did a little digging. Turns out both victims visited the Same place before they got snatched. Sam: Where? EXT. SANTA's VILLAGE – DAY Christmas music plays, children are playing, and people wearing Christmas costumes are walking. Dean: It does kind of lend credence to the theory, don't it? Sam: Yeah, but anti-Claus? Couldn't be. Dean: It's a Christmas miracle. Hey, speaking of, we should have one this year. Sam: Have one what? Dean: A Christmas. Sam: (Scoffs) No, thanks. Dean: No, we'll get a tree, a little Boston market, just like when we were little. Sam: Dean, those weren't exactly Hallmark memories for me, you know. Dean: What are you talking about? We had some great Christmases. Sam: Whose childhood are you talking about? Dean: Oh, come on, Sam. Sam: No, just… no. Dean: (Surprised) All right, Grinch. Dean walks away, while Sam stands still. Suddenly he notices a reindeer's statue is staring at him. Sam looks uncomfortable. FLASHBACK: BROKEN BOW, NEBRASKA. CHRISTMAS Eve, 1991 INT. MOTEL – NIGHT Reindeers pull Santa's sleigh across the sky on the TV, which is playing "A Year Without Santa Claus". Sam is wrapping something with newspaper. Dean: What is that? Sam: A present for Dad. Dean: Yeah, right. Where'd you get the money? Steal it? Sam: No. Uncle Bobby gave it to me to give to him. Said it was real special. Dean: What is it? Sam: A pony. Dean: (Scoffs) Very funny. Sam continues to wrap the present. Dean sits on the couch next to him and picks up a magazine. Sam: Dad's gonna be here, right? Dean: He'll be here. Sam: It's Christmas. Dean: He knows and he'll be here. Promise. Sam: Where is he anyway? Dean: On business. Sam: What kind of business? Dean: You know that. He sells stuff. Sam: What kind of stuff? Dean: Stuff! Sam: Nobody ever tells me anything. Dean: (Rolls his eyes) Then quit asking. Dean leaves Sam and walks to the bed. He swipes all the junk from it and opens the magazine. Sam: Is Dad a spy? Dean: Mm-hmm. He's James Bond. Sam: Why do we move around so much? Dean: 'Cause everywhere we go, they get sick of your face. Sam: I'm old enough, Dean. You can tell me the truth. Dean: You don't wanna know the truth. Believe me. Sam: Is that why we never talk about… Mom? Dean: (Tosses the magazine away angrily and stands up) Shut up! Don't you ever talk about Mom. Ever! (Heads for the door) Sam: Wait, where are you going? Dean: Out. Dean shuts the door behind him and leaves Sam alone. The flashback ends. EXT. SANTA's VILLAGE – DAY Sam is still lost in memories. Dean: You'd think with the 10 bucks it costs to get into this place, Santa could scrounge up a little snow. Sam: (Awakening from his daydreaming) What? Dean: Nothing. What are we looking for, again? Sam: Um… (Looks around) lore says that the anti-Claus will walk with a limp and smell like sweets. Dean: Great. So we're looking for a pimp Santa. Why the sweets? Sam: Think about it, Dean. If you smell like candy, the kids will come closer, you know? Dean: That's creepy. (Sam Chuckles) How does this thing know who's been naughty and who's been nice? Sam: I don't know. A man wearing a Santa Claus costume sits outside a small barn. A woman and boy walk up to him. SANTA: So, Ronny, come sit on Santa's knee. (The boy sits) Ah, there you go. You been a good boy this year? Boy: Yeah. SANTA: Good. Santa's got a special gift for you. Dean: (Looks at Santa and the boy) Maybe we do. RONNY's mother takes his arm and leads him away from the Santa. RONNY's MOTHER: Come on, honey, let's go. A woman in an elf costume walks up to Sam and Dean. ELFIN: Welcome to Santa's court. Can I escort your child to Santa? Sam: Uh… Dean: No. No. Uh, but actually my brother here… it's been a lifelong dream of his. ELFIN: (Looks at Sam like he's a freak) Uh, sorry. No kids over… 12. Sam: No, he's just kidding. We only came here to watch. ELFIN looks at Dean, who shakes his head. ELFIN backs off. ELFIN: Eww. Sam: I-I didn't mean that we came here to w— Y— (Dean looks at Sam) Thanks a lot, Dean. Thanks for that. Dean: (Laughs and suddenly turns serious) Check it out. Sam and Dean watch the SANTA leave his chair. SANTA walks with bad limp. Dean: Are you seeing this? Sam: A lot of people walk with limps, right? Dean: Tell me you didn't smell that. That was candy, man. Sam: That was ripple, I think. Had to be. Dean: Maybe. We're willing to take that chance? EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT Inside the Impala, Sam and Dean are spying on a simple house that is decorated with Christmas lights. Dean: What time is it? Sam: Same as the last time you asked. Here… (Hands Dean a thermos) Caffeinate. Dean takes the thermos from Sam and tries to pours coffee into the cup, but the thermos is empty. Dean: Wonderful. (Suddenly he scoffs) Hey, Sam. Sam: Yeah? Dean: Why are you the boy that hates Christmas? Sam: Dean— Dean: I mean, I admit it. You know, we had a few bumpy holidays when we were kids. Sam: "Bumpy"? Dean: That was then. We'll do it right this year. Sam: Look, Dean. If you want to have Christmas, knock yourself out. Just don't involve me. Dean: (Looks at Sam in disbelief) Oh, yeah, that'd be great. Me and myself making cranberry molds. They return to watching the house. SANTA looks outside, then closes his curtains. Dean: What's up with Saint Nicotine? Woman's Voice: Oh, my God! Sam and Dean jump out of the car and run to the house with their g*n drawn. Dean looks inside the window of the front door. Sam: Huh. Dean: What? Sam: Nothing. It's just that, uh… well, you know, Mr. g*n Ho Christmas might have to blow away Santa. INT. HOUSE – NIGHT Dean opens the door. SANTA is sitting on the couch, holding a bong and a bottle of whiskey. SANTA stands up and Dean and Sam quickly hide their g*n. SANTA: What the hell are you doing here? Dean looks around and realizes SANTA's only watching TV. Man ON TV: I'm really not interested, okay? Woman ON TV: Mistle my toe. Roast my chestnut. Dean looks at Sam, who shrugs. Sam: Ah, w— Woman ON TV: Jingle my bells? Dean: (Starts to sing – badly) S-silent night… Holy… (He looks at Sam, who follows him) Dean & Sam: …night. (SANTA smiles and sits down) All is well… SANTA: (Also singing along) …all is dry. Sam: Bright… Dean & Sam & SANTA: Round and round… (They try to sing although they don't remember the lyrics.) Sam: The table… (Puts a hand on Dean's shoulder to pull him away) EXT. LARGE HOUSE – NIGHT INT. LARGE HOUSE – NIGHT "Silent Night" plays as a boy walks down the staircase to a room in which there is a large Christmas tree. Ashes fall into the fireplace from the chimney. The boy stands in front of the fireplace. Boy: Santa, you're early. The boy jumps back as the fireplace grill falls in front of him. He stares in shock as a heavy-breathing, human-shaped creature walks through the living room, goes upstairs and enters the parents' room. A woman screams and a man makes muffled sounds. The creature drags a bag containing the struggling man downstairs. There is a loud thump and the sound of flesh tearing as the creature kills the man in front of the boy. The creature stares down at the boy, then grabs a cookie from a plate and eats it while he drags the bag away from the boy. EXT. LARGE HOUSE – DAY INT. LARGE HOUSE – DAY Dean: So, that's how your son described the att*ck? "Santa took daddy up the chimney"? Woman: That's what he says, yes. Dean: And where were you? Woman: I was asleep and all of a sudden… I was being dragged out of bed, screaming. Sam: Did you see the attacker? Woman: (Shakes her head) It was dark, and he h*t me. He knocked me out. Dean: (Nods) I'm sorry. I know this is hard. Sam: Yeah… um, Mrs. Caldwell, where did you get that wreath above the fireplace? (Dean looks around at the wreath) Mrs CALDWELL: Excuse me? Dean looks at Sam, waiting for an answer. Sam: Just curious, you know. EXT. LARGE HOUSE – DAY Dean: Wreaths, huh? Sure you didn't want to ask her about her shoes? I saw some nice handbags in the foyer. Sam: We've seen that wreath before, Dean. Dean: Where? Sam: The Walshes'. Yesterday. Dean: I know. I was just testing you. They drive away in the Impala. INT. MOTEL – DAY Sam is on the phone. Sam: Yeah, all right. Well, keep looking, would you? Thanks, Bobby. (He hangs up) Well… we're not dealing with the anti-Claus. Dean: What did Bobby say? Sam: Uh, that we're morons. He also said that it was probably meadowsweet in those wreaths. (Looks at his laptop) Dean: Wow! Amazing. What the hell is meadowsweet? Sam: It's pretty rare and it's probably the most powerful plant in pagan lore. Dean: Pagan lore? Sam: Yeah. See, they used meadowsweet for human sacrifices. It was kind of like a… Chum for their gods. Gods were drawn to it and they'd stop by and snack on whatever was the nearest human. Dean: Why would somebody be using that for Christmas wreaths? Sam: It's not as crazy as it sound, Dean. I mean, pretty much every Christmas tradition is pagan. Dean: Christmas is Jesus' birthday. Sam: No, Jesus' birthday was probably in the fall. It was actually the winter solstice festival that was co-opted by the church and renamed "Christmas". But I mean, the Yule log, the tree, even Santa's red suit – that's all remnants of pagan worship. Dean: How do you know that? What are you gonna tell me next? Easter bunny's Jewish? (Sam says nothing) So you think we're gonna dealing with a pagan God? Sam: Yeah, probably Hold Nickar, God of the winter solstice. Dean: And all these Martha Stewart wannabes, buying these fancy wreaths… Sam: Yeah, it's pretty much like putting a neon sign on your front door saying "Come k*ll us". Dean: Great. Sam: (Reading an article on the laptop) Huh… When you sacrifice to Hold Nickar, guess what he gives you in return. Dean: Lap dances, hopefully. Sam: Mild weather. Dean: (Looks out the window) Like no snow in the middle of December in the middle of Michigan. Sam: For instance. Dean: Do we know how to k*ll it yet? Sam: No, Bobby's working on that right now. We got to figure out where they're selling those wreaths. Dean: You think they're selling them on purpose? Feeding the victims to this thing? Sam: (exhales) Let's find out. INT. CHRISTMAS SHOP – DAY Sam and Dean enter. SHOPKEEPER: Help you, boys? Dean: Uh, hope so. Uh, we were playing Jenga over at the Walshes' the other night, and, uh… well, he hasn't shut up since about this Christmas wreath, and (to Sam) I don't know, you tell him. Sam: (Giving Dean a look) Sure. It was yummy. SHOPKEEPER: I sell a lot of wreaths, guys. Sam: Right, right, but – but you see, this one would have been really special. It had, uh, it had, uh, green leaves, um, white buds on it. It might have been made of, uh… meadowsweet? SHOPKEEPER: Well, aren't you a fussy one? Dean: (Smiles) He is… (He laughs and Sam looks at him, annoyed) SHOPKEEPER: Anyway, I know the one you're talking about. I'm all out. Dean: Huh. Seems like this meadowsweet stuff's pretty rare and expensive. Why make wreaths out of it? SHOPKEEPER: Beats me. I didn't make them. Dean: Who did? SHOPKEEPER: Madge Carrigan, a local lady. She said the wreaths were so special, she gave them to me for free. Sam: She didn't charge you? SHOPKEEPER: Nope. Dean: Did you sell them for free? SHOPKEEPER: Hell no. It's Christmas. People pay a buttload for this crap. Dean: That's the spirit. INT. MOTEL – NIGHT Dean opens the door and turns on the light. Sam follows him in. Dean: How much do you think a meadowsweet wreath would cost? Sam: A couple hundred dollars, at least. Dean: This lady's giving them away for free? What do you think about that? Sam: Well, sounds pretty suspicious. Dean and Sam take off their jackets and sit on the edge of their beds. Dean: Remember that wreath Dad brought home that one year? Sam: You mean the one he stole from, like, a liquor store? Dean: Yeah, it was a bunch of empty beer cans. That thing was great. I bet if I looked around hard enough, I could probably find one just like it. Sam: All right. Dude… What's going on with you? Dean: What? Sam: I mean, since when are you Bing Crosby all of a sudden? Why do you want Christmas so bad? Dean: Why are you so against it? I mean, were your childhood memories that traumatic? Sam: No, that has nothing to do with it. Dean: Then what? Sam: I-I mean, I-I just… I don't get it. You haven't talked about Christmas in years. Dean: Well, yeah. This is my last year. Sam: (Pause) I know… That's why I can't. Dean: What do you mean? Sam: I mean I can't just sit around, drinking eggnog, pretending everything's okay, when I know next Christmas you'll be d*ad. (Dean nods) I just can't. Dean nods, realizing the sadness in Sam's voice. Both of them are silent. FLASHBACK, 1991 INT. MOTEL – NIGHT Sam is on the couch reading a comic book. Dean walks inside the room, holding a bag of groceries. Sam: Thought you went out. Dean: Yeah, to get you dinner. (Tosses Sam packaged food) Don't forget your vegetables. (Tosses him another bag of snack food) Dean takes off his jacket, sits down on his bed and opens a drink can. Sam sits on the other bed. Sam: I know why you keep a g*n under your pillow. Dean: (Lifts his pillow and sees his g*n) No, you don't. Stay out of my stuff. Sam: And I know why we lay salt down everywhere we go. Dean: No, you don't. Shut up. Sam turns around and grabs something under his bed. It's John's diary. Sam tosses it onto the nightstand between the beds. Dean: (Stands up) Where'd you get that? That's Dad's! He's gonna kick your ass for reading that. Sam: Are monsters real? Dean: What? You're crazy. Sam: Tell me. Dean: (Looks away, hesitates) I swear, if you ever tell Dad I told you any of this, I will end you. Sam: Promise. Dean: (Sits and looks at John's diary) Well, the first thing you have to know is we have the coolest dad in the world. He's a superhero. Sam: He is? Dean: Yeah. Monsters are real. Dad fights them. He's fighting them right now. Sam: But Dad said the monsters under my bed weren't real. Dean: That's 'cause he had already checked under there. But yeah, they're real. Almost everything's real. Sam: Is Santa real? Dean: (Shakes his head) No. Sam: (Paused) If monsters are real, then they could get us. They could get me. Dean: Dad's not gonna let them get you. Sam: But what if they get him? Dean: They aren't gonna get Dad. Dad's, like, the best. Sam: I read in Dad's book that they got Mom. Dean: (Exhales) It's complicated, Sam. Sam: If they got Mom, they can get Dad and if they can get Dad, they can get us. Dean: It's not like that. (Moves and sits next to Sam) Okay? Dad's fine. We're fine. Trust me. (Sam looks sad and worried.) You okay? Sam: Yeah. (Looks away) Dean: Hey, Dad's gonna be here for Christmas. Just like he always is. Sam: (Holds back tears) I just want to go to sleep, okay? Dean: Yeah, okay. Sam lies down on the bed and cries quietly. Dean stays sitting on the edge of the bed. Dean: It'll all be better when you wake up. You'll see. Promise. EXT. HOUSE – DAY Sam and Dean walk up to a big white house with Christmas decoration on the lawn. Dean: This is where Mrs. Wreath lives, huh? Can't you just feel the evil pagan vibe? Dean knocks on the door and MADGE greets them. MADGE: Yes? Dean: Please tell me you're the Madge Carrigan who makes the meadowsweet wreaths. MADGE: Why, yes I am. Dean: Ha! Bingo. Sam: Yeah? Uh, well, we were just admiring your wreaths in Mr. Sylar's place the other day. MADGE: You were? Well, isn't that meadowsweet just the finest-smelling thing you ever smelled? Sam: It is, it sure is. But the problem is, is that all you wreaths had sold out before we got the chance to buy one. MADGE: Oh, fudge! Dean: You wouldn't have another one that we could buy from you, would you? MADGE: Oh, no, I'm afraid those were the only ones I had for this season. Sam: Aww… Dean: Tell me something, why did you decide to make them out of meadowsweet? MR CARRIGAN comes down the staircase inside the house. MADGE: Why, the smell, of course! I don't think I've ever smelled anything finer. Sam: Yeah… um, you mentioned that. MR CARRIGAN: What's going on, honey? MADGE: Well, just some nice boys asking about my wreaths, dear. MR CARRIGAN: Oh, the wreaths are fine. Fine wreaths. Oh, care for some peanut brittle? (He offers them peanut brittle) Dean reaches out to take some, but Sam slaps Dean's arm away. Sam: We're okay. EXT. MOTEL – NIGHT Dean is sharpening a wooden stake, while Sam uses the laptop. Five other wooden stakes are on the bed and floor near Dean. Sam: (Claps his hands) I knew it. Something was way off with those two. Dean: What'd you find? Sam: The Carrigans lived in Seattle, last year, where two abductions took place right around Christmas. They moved here in January. All that Christmas crap in their house – that wasn't boughs of holly. It was vervain and mint. Dean: Pagan stuff? Sam: Serious pagan stuff. Dean: So what, Ozzie and Harriet are keeping a pagan god hidden underneath their plastic-covered couch? Sam: I don't know. All I know we're gotta check them out. So, what about Bobby? He's sure evergreen stakes will k*ll this thing, right? Dean: (Looks at the stake) Yeah, he's sure. EXT. CARRIGAN HOUSE – NIGHT Sam and Dean walk toward the house. Dean picks the lock. INT. CARRIGAN HOUSE – NIGHT Sam and Dean each hold a wooden stake. Dean: (Looks at the couch that still covered with plastic, whispers) See? Plastic. Dean goes into the living room and looks at all the Christmas ornaments, while Sam goes to the hall, which is also decorated with ornaments and snow globes. Sam goes into the kitchen and sees plates of cookies and cakes. He shines his flashlight on the lock of a door. Sam: Hey, Dean. CUT TO: Dean and Sam walk downstairs to the basement. Dean points his flashlight and finds bones covered with blood in a large bowl. They check the room and realize the whole basement looks like a butchery room rather than a storage room. Sam finds a leather bag covered with blood. He looks disgust and moves to another spot. Sam pokes a bag that is hanging from the wall and the bag moves – someone inside is struggling. MADGE grabs Sam's neck from behind and lifts him off the ground. Dean: Sam! MADGE pushes Sam against a wall and holds him by the throat. Dean runs to him and tries to stake MADGE, but MR CARRIGAN grabs his arm and knocks his head against a wall. Dean falls to the ground, unconscious. MADGE looks at her husband, who smiles and nods and looks back at Sam, who is struggling to breathe. MADGE: Gosh, I wish you boys hadn't come down here. Sam movies his flashlight to the CARRIGANS' faces, which appear monster-like when in the beam of the flashlight but turn back to normal out of the light. MADGE shoves Sam hard against the wall and Sam falls to the ground. EXT. CARRIGAN HOUSE – NIGHT The Christmas decorations on the lawn are lit up with lights and Christmas music plays. INT. CARRIGAN HOUSE – NIGHT A number of bowls and a Kn*fe are set out on the kitchen table. Sam and Dean are tied up in chairs, back to back. Sam: Dean? You okay? Dean: Yeah, I think so. Sam: (Sighs) So, I guess we're dealing with Mr. and Mrs. God. (Dean nods) Nice to know. The CARRIGANS come into the kitchen, dressed in colorful Christmas- themed sweaters. MADGE: Ooh, and here we thought you two lazybones were gonna sleep straight through all the fun stuff. (Giggles) Dean: Miss all this? Nah, we're partyers. MR CARRIGAN: (Smokes his pipe) Isn't he a kick in the pants, honey? You're hunters, is what you are. Dean: And you're pagan gods. So, why don't we just call it even and go our separate ways? MR CARRIGAN: What, so you can bring more hunters and k*ll us? (Laughs) I don't think so. Sam: Maybe you should have thought about that before you went snacking on humans. MR CARRIGAN: Oh now, don't get all wet. MADGE: Oh, why, we used to take over a hundred tributes a year and that's a fact. (Put a napkin on Dean's lap). Now what do we take? What, two? Three? (And put another napkin on Sam's lap) MR CARRIGAN: Hardy boys here make five. MADGE: Now, that's not so bad, is it? Dean: Well, you say it like that – I guess you guys are the Cunninghams. MR CARRIGAN: You, mister, better show us a little respect. Sam: Or what? You'll eat us? MR CARRIGAN: Not so fast. (Looks at MADGE who looks excited) There's rituals to be followed first. MADGE: Oh, we're just sticklers for ritual. MR CARRIGAN: And you know what kicks off the whole shebang? (MADGE smiles) Dean: Let me guess… meadowsweet. MADGE: Oh! Dean: Oh shucks, you're all out of wreaths. I guess we'll just have to cancel the sacrifice, huh? MADGE: Oh, don't be such a gloomy Gus. (Put wreaths around Dean's and Sam's necks) There. Ohh… Don't they just look darling? MR CARRIGAN: Good enough to eat. (Smacks his lips) All right-roo. Step number two. MR CARRIGAN walks to Sam carrying a Kn*fe and a bowl. He holds the bowl under Sam's arm and prepares to cut him with the Kn*fe. Dean: Sammy?! Sammy?! MR CARRIGAN slices Sam's arm and collects his blood in the bowl. Sam: D-Don't! (Screams) Dean: Leave him alone, you son of a bitch! MR CARRIGAN: Hear how they talk to us? To Gods? (MADGE takes the Kn*fe and bowl) Listen, pal, back in the day, we were worshiped by millions. Dean: Time have changed! MR CARRIGAN: Tell me about it. All of a sudden, this Jesus character is the hot new thing in town. All of a sudden, our – our altars are being b*rned down, and we're being hunted down like common monsters. MADGE: But did we say a peep? Oh… no, no, no, we did not. (MR CARRIGAN adds something to Sam's blood in the bowl) Two millennium. (MR CARRIGAN picks up a tool) We kept a low profile; we got jobs, a mortgage. Wh-What was that word, dear? MR CARRIGAN: We assimilated. MADGE: Yeah, we assimilated. Why, we play bridge on Tuesday and Fridays. (Holding a large Kn*fe) We're just like everybody else. Dean: You're not blending in as smooth as you think, lady. MADGE: This might pinch a bit, dear. MADGE comes closer to Dean and slices his arm just like MR CARRIGAN did to Sam. Dean: (Screams) You bitch! MADGE: Oh, my goodness me! Somebody owes a nickel to the swear jar. Oh, do you know what I say when I feel like swearing? (Dean looks MADGE in the eyes) "Fudge." Dean: I'll try and remember that! MR CARRIGAN: You boys have no idea how lucky you are. There was a time when kids came from miles around, just to be sitting where you are. (He stands in front of Sam with the tool) Sam: (Panicked) What do you think you're doing with those? MR CARRIGAN smiles. Dean: (Looks at MADGE) You fudging touch me again and I'll fudging k*ll you! MADGE: Very good! MADGE slices Dean's other arm and he groans in pain, while MR CARRIGAN grabs Sam's hand. Sam: No! Don't. MR CARRIGAN pulls the nail of Sam's index finger and Sam screams. MR CARRIGAN: (Holds up the nail) Oh, we got a winner! The CARRIGANS put all the ingredients in the bowl and stir them. MADGE: What else, dear? MR CARRIGAN: Well, let's see. Uh, fingernail, blood. Oh… (h*t his own head) sweet Peter on a popsicle stick… (laughs) I forgot the tooth. MADGE: Oh, dear! Dean: (breathing hard) Merry Christmas, Sam. (Sam groans) MR CARRIGAN picks up pliers and grabs Dean's chin. MR CARRIGAN: Open wide… and say, "Aaah." MR CARRIGAN puts the pliers into Dean's mouth and Dean groans. The doorbell rings. Dean: (With the pliers in his mouth) Somebody gonna get that? (MADGE and MR CARRIGAN look each other. Sam looks relieved) You should get that. MR CARRIGAN: (Sighs) Come on. Dean sighs in relief and runs his tongue around his teeth. CUT TO: The CARRIGANS open the front door. A NEIGHBOR wearing a green reindeer sweater rings a bell and holds out a fruitcake. NEIGHBOR: Merry Christmas! (Gives MADGE fruitcake) MR CARRIGAN: I told you I smelled fruitcake. MADGE: (Look grateful) You shouldn't have. NEIGHBOR: Oh, bite your tongue, it's my pleasure. MR CARRIGAN: It looks scrumptious! NEIGHBOR: Say, Neal and I are going caroling. You care to join? MADGE: You know we would— MR CARRIGAN: B-but it's my back. Darn thing's giving me fits. NEIGHBOR: Oh, well, that's a shame. Oh well, Merry Christmas. MADGE: And to you too, dear. NEIGHBOR: Hey, are we still on for bridge tomorrow? MR CARRIGAN: With bells on! NEIGHBOR: Yes! Okay! Bye! MR CARRIGAN: Bye-bye. They smile broad fake smiles. When the NEIGHBOR's gone, MR CARRIGAN drops the fruitcake and steps on it on the way back to the kitchen. CUT TO: MADGE and MR CARRIGAN open the door to the kitchen and hurry inside. MADGE: Now, where were we? Sam and Dean are no longer in their chairs. The two doors to the kitchen close. Sam and Dean are behind them and stand with their backs to the doors as the CARRIGANS try to open them. Dean pulls out a drawer to hold his door closed and goes to help Sam. Dean: (Leaning one hand against the door) What do we do now? The evergreen stakes are in the basement! Sam: Well, we need more evergreen, Dean! (Looks at the Christmas tree) I think I just found us some more. (Looks at large cabinet next to the door) Help me get this. Sam and Dean move the cabinet in front of the door and push the Christmas tree over. They break branches from the tree to use as stakes. All is silent when they approach the kitchen door. Suddenly MR CARRIGAN tackles Dean to the ground. MADGE walks up to Sam. MADGE: You little thing. (Her face momentarily distorts) I loved that tree. Sam raises his stake. MADGE hits Sam hard and he crashes into the couch and onto the floor. MR CARRIGAN punches Dean a number of times in the face. MADGE walks closer to Sam and he hits her with the branches. MADGE is about to att*ck Sam when he s*ab her with the Christmas tree stake. MR CARRIGAN: (Looks at his wife and screams) Madge! Sam pushes the stake deeper and MADGE groans, while Dean takes the opportunity and hits MR CARRIGAN with branches. Sam pushes the stake in further and MADGE falls to the ground, d*ad. Dean s*ab MR CARRIGAN twice and he screams in pain. He lies d*ad, next to his wife. Sam breathes heavily, while Dean sighs in relief. They look at the d*ad bodies. Sam: Merry Christmas. (Looks at Dean, smiles briefly and sighs) The camera focuses on a ball ornament that is still on one of the broken tree branches. FLASHBACK, 1991 INT. MOTEL – NIGHT It's snowing outside. Sam is asleep and Dean shakes him. Dean: Sam, wake up! (Sam wakes) Dad was here. Look what he brought. Dean looks around at a little Christmas tree, decorated with a few lights. Sam: Dad was here? Dean: Yeah. Look at this, we made a k*lling. Sam: (Yawns) Why didn't he try to wake me up? Dean: He tried to, like a thousand times. Sam: He did? Dean: (Nods) Yeah. Did I tell you he would give us Christmas, or what? (Sam looks around) Go on, dive in. Sam jumps out of his bed and hurries to the Christmas tree. He finds two presents wrapped with Christmas- themed gift wrap. One of them has green shiny bow. Sam sits on the couch and unwraps his first gift. Dean sits on the other end of the couch and watches, excitedly. Dean: (Smiles) What is it? Sam: Sapphire Barbie. Dean: (Chuckles) Dad probably thinks you're a girl. Sam: Shut up! (Throws the Barbie onto the ground) Dean: Open that one. Sam opens the other present and finds a cheerleading stick. He looks at Dean. Sam: Dad never showed, did he? Dean: Yeah, he did, I swear. Sam: Dean…. Where'd you get all this stuff? Dean realizes he can't lie anymore and looks down. Dean: Nice house up the block. (Sam looks away) I swear I didn't know they were chick presents. (Sam nods) Look, I'm sure Dad would have been here if he could. Sam: If he's alive. Dean: Don't say that. Of course he's alive. He's Dad. Sam nods and Dean looks sad. Sam takes the present he wrapped from the pocket of a jacket that is lying over the arm of the couch. He holds it out to Dean. Sam: Here, take this. Dean: No. No, that's for Dad. Sam: Dad lied to me. I want you to have it. Sam continues to hold out the gift. Dean looks at it and at Sam. Dean: You sure? Sam: (Nods) I'm sure. Dean: Thank you, Sam. I-I love it. Dean puts on the necklace. Sam nods. The flashback ends. INT. MOTEL – NIGHT Sam looks touched with his own memory. Ella Fitzgerald's "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" plays as Dean walks into the room. The camera focuses on the necklace Sam gave him in 1991. He looks surprised because Sam has decorated the room with a Christmas tree and "Merry Christmas" sign. Sam: Hey, you get the beer? (Holding a cup of eggnog) Dean: (Looks kind of amazed) What's all this? (Looks at the decorations in the room) Sam: What do you think it is? It's – it's Christmas. Dean looks at Sam, who lets out a deep breath. Dean: What made you change your mind? Sam: (Doesn't answer) Here, uh, try the eggnog. (Gives him a cup) Let me know if it needs some more kick. (He holds out a bottle of whiskey) Dean sips it and looks surprised at the taste. Dean: No, we're good. Sam: (Happy) Yeah? Dean: (Smiling) Yeah. When Sam looks away, Dean changes his expression, like it tastes toxic. Sam: Good. Well, uh, have a seat. Let's do… Christmas stuff, or whatever. Dean looks at the Christmas tree, which is decorated with lights and car air fresheners. Dean: (Nods, happy) All right, first things first. (Sam sits on the couch and Dean pulls up a chair. He takes two packages wrapped in brown paper from a plastic bag and holds them out to Sam) Merry Christmas, Sam. Sam: (Takes the gifts) Where'd you get these? Dean: Someplace special. (Sam looks at him) The gas mart down the street (Sam laughs) Open them up. Sam: Well, great minds think alike, Dean. (Sam reaches under the couch for two packages wrapped in newspaper, which he gives to Dean) Dean: (Surprised) Really? (Takes the gifts) Sam: There you go. Dean: Come on. Sam opens his first gift, which is two p*rn magazines. Sam: (Laughs) Skin mags! (Dean nods, satisfied with Sam's reaction) and… (opens the other gift) Shaving cream. Dean: You like? Sam: (Smiles) Yeah. Yeah. (Nods) It's Dean's turn to open his presents. He Chuckles and unwrap the gifts. Dean: Look at this. (He lifts his presents, it's a candy bar and a bottle of oil) Fuel for me and fuel for my baby. (Sam nods) These are awesome, thanks. Sam: Good. (Suddenly there's a bit of sadness in his face) Dean: (Lifts his glass of eggnog) Merry Christmas, bro. Sam: Yeah. (Lift his eggnog and makes a toast with Dean's glass) Here, Merry Christmas. Sam and Dean are silent, knowing that this could be their last Christmas together. They each take a drink of their eggnog and Dean whistles softly at the taste. Sam: Hey, Dean. (Sam looks sad and about to say something, but he hesitates, then sighs and looks at Dean again) Do you feel like watching the game? Dean: (Smiles) Absolutely. Sam: (Nods) All right. Sam stands up and turns on the TV. They watch the winter football game. Sam glances at Dean and Dean smiles. He glances at Sam and takes another drink of his eggnog. The camera switches to the outside of the room and we see Dean and Sam through the window, sharing their Christmas moment. It's snowing outside. The camera pans out and we see Christmas lights reflected in the paint of the Impala, which is parked outside the room. THE END.

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "03x08 - A Very Supernatural Christmas"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 31 Jan 2008 Teaser INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Door opens, and a woman and man dressed in formal (JANET and PAUL DUTTON) attire walk in, the man switches on the bedroom light as the woman tosses her purse on the bed. JANET That was just a terrible, terrible party. PAUL But there was this one really beautiful woman there. JANET You should have gone home with her. PAUL I did They kiss, and he unzips her dress. It falls to the floor. JANET I need a few minutes. PAUL Alright, there's a bottle of '89 in the fridge. They kiss and he walks out the door as she crosses the room and enters the bathroom. INT. Amanda's ROOM - NIGHT A match is struck on the edge of a box as an incantation is being recited which runs through the rest of the action as a voiceover. Amanda: Echranmuk madan fiéré, fiahohshee shé morelorn The match lights a candle, and as the incantation continues to be spoken. INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT JANET is removing her diamond necklace in front of the bathroom mirror. Amanda (V.O) Marc oh don INT. Amanda's ROOM The camera pans across the altar Amanda is still reciting her incantation in front of, with various occult objects, including the candle she lit, and bones and symbols drawn on wood. Amanda: Duer kianave kihér tolic INT. BATHROOM JANET opens a brand new toothbrush and removes it. Amanda (V.O) Einder bolic INT. Amanda's ROOM Amanda opens a cloth on the altar on top of the symbol revealing a used toothbrush (presumably Janet's) inside the cloth. Amanda: Madan fiéré fiahohshee shé morelorn INT. BATHROOM JANET brushes her teeth. Amanda: Marc oh don duer kianave kihér tolic INT. Amanda's ROOM Amanda reaches for a dagger and drags it along her right palm dripping a drop blood on the bristles of the toothbrush that she has unwrapped on the altar. Amanda: Echranmuk madan fiéré fiahohshee shé morelorn INT. BATHROOM Janet reaches for her mouth, and wiggles one of her front teeth which comes loose, and falls out in her hand. Amanda (V.O) Marc oh don duer kianave kihér tolic einder bolic JANET Oh god. INT. Amanda's ROOM Amanda's hand drips blood. Amanda: Madan fiéré INT. BATHROOM JANET turns slowly, feeling around the inside of her mouth with her tongue. Amanda (V.O) Fiahohshee shé morelorn INT. Amanda's ROOM Another drop of blood lands on the bristles of the toothbrush. Amanda: Marc oh don INT. BATHROOM JANET reaches inside her mouth and removes another tooth. Amanda (V.O) Duer kianave kihér tolic einder bolic JANET What the? She puts both teeth in one hand as the incantation stops momentarily. JANET Paul! INT. Amanda's ROOM The incantation continues as more drips of blood land on the toothbrush bristles. Amanda: Fiahohshee shé morelorn INT. BEDROOM Paul runs into the bedroom as the incantation pauses again. PAUL What is it? JANET It's my teeth. As Paul sees her he rushes forward, but the bathroom door slams shut and the deadbolt locks into place. Paul pounds on the door. PAUL Janet! JANET Help me! INT. Amanda's ROOM Incantation continues again through the rest of the action, with the sh*t showing only Amanda's lips reciting the words. Amanda: Duer kianave INT. BATHROOM Paul keeps banging on the door, and Janet has blood dripping down her chin as she chokes and turns to bend over the sink spitting out a tooth and blood. She then spits out another tooth Amanda (V.O) Kihér tolic INT. Amanda's ROOM Closed fist drips blood. Amanda: Echran INT. BATHROOM Janet spits blood and teeth into the sink. Amanda (V.O) Muk madan INT. Amanda's ROOM Blood drips on the toothbrush bristles. Amanda: Fiéré fiah INT. BATHROOM More blood and teeth are spit into the sink. JANET turns away from the sink, holding her hand in front of her mouth still coughing up blood. Amanda (V.O) Ohshee INT. BEDROOM PAUL bangs on door which shakes but does not unlock INT. Amanda's ROOM Amanda: Einder bolic Amanda s*ab the blood covered bristles with the dagger and the incantation stops. INT. BEDROOM PAUL backs up from the bathroom door and goes to kick it down as the deadbolt turns and the door swings slowly open. PAUL stares in horror as the door swings open more revealing JANET lying on the floor with blood surrounding her mouth motionless. The sink is splattered with blood and teeth as one tooth rolls toward the drain. END OF Teaser INT. DUTTON BEDROOM - DAY Dean is questioning PAUL about JANET and Sam is searching the bathroom for clues as to what happened. PAUL She was so scared. I couldn't help; I couldn't do anything to stop it. And I've talked to the police, and I've talked to the medical examiner and no one can explain it. Dean: Well that's why they put the call in to us Mr. Dutton. PAUL But the CDC, that's disease control right? What do you think; it's some kind of virus? INT. BATHROOM - DAY Sam closes the door to the bathroom and looks more thoroughly through things. Dean (V.O) We're not ruling out anything yet. Mr. Dutton did Janet have any enemies? PAUL (V.O) I'm sorry? INT. BEDROOM Dean: Anyone that might have a reason to hurt her? PAUL Wait, what are you saying? That somebody poisoned her? INT. BATHROOM Sam looks under the sink in the bathroom and finds the hex bag that was left there by Amanda. The questioning continues in the bedroom. Dean (V.O) I'm just saying we have to cover every base here. PAUL (V.O) Well, I mean, what kind of poison? You think a person could have done this? Dean (V.O) Would anyone want to? INT. BEDROOM PAUL What?! No, no, there's just no one that could've- Sam opens the bathroom door. Dean: Mr. Dutton? PAUL Uh, everyone loved Janet. Sam nods at Dean so he knows that Sam is done investigating. Dean: Okay. Thank you very much; I think we've got everything we need. We'll get out of your way now. EXT. DUTTON HOUSE - DAY It's raining as Sam and Dean walk out of the house toward the Impala. Dean: That dude seem a little evasive to you? Sam: I don't know I was under a sink, pulling this out. Sam takes the hex bag out of his pocket and hands it to Dean and they both stop as Dean takes the bag from Sam and opens it. Sam: Hex bag. Dean: Awww gross. Sam: Yeah, there are bird bones, rabbit's teeth. This cloth is probably cut from something Janet Dutton owned. Dean looks back at the house for a second and turns back handing the bag to Sam and walking towards the Impala again. Dean: So we're thinking witch? Sam: Uh, yeah, and not some new age wicked water douser either. This is old world black magic Dean, I mean, warts and all. INT. Impala - DAY Dean gets in and turns to Sam. Dean: I hate witches. Sam Chuckles Dean: They're always spewing their bodily fluids everywhere. Sam: Pretty much. Dean: It's creepy, you know, it's down right unsanitary. Sam: Yeah, well someone definitely had it out for Janet Dutton. Dean: Yeah, someone who snuck into that house and planted the bag. So what are we thinking, we're uh, looking for some old craggy blair bitch in the woods. Sam: No it could be anyone. Neighbor, coworker, man, woman that's the problem Dean, they're human, they're like everyone else. Dean: Great how do we find 'em? Sam: This wasn't random; someone in Janet Dutton's life had an ugly axe to grind. We find the motive- Dean: We find the m*rder. Sam: Yeah. Dean starts the Impala and pulls away from the curb, driving off in the rain. EXT. Amanda's HOUSE ELIZABETH is tending to her garden as Amanda pulls into her driveway and gets out of the car. ELIZABETH looks up and tries to get Amanda's attention. ELIZABETH Amanda. Amanda is distracted and grabs a grocery bag out of the back seat of her car and starts to walk to her door. We see that she has a bandage on her right hand signifying this is the witch we heard reciting the incantation who cut her hand with the dagger. ELIZABETH Hey Amanda! Amanda: Oh, Elizabeth hi. Sorry, I've got like a thousand things on my mind. Amanda keeps walking toward the door to her house. ELIZABETH Are you okay sweetie? You didn't come to book club last night. Amanda: Yeah, sorry I was gonna call, I just- I got busy you know? But I'm fine, really, I am. Amanda hurries into her house waving her hand behind her at ELIZABETH. INT. Amanda's HOUSE Amanda walks into the kitchen and sets down the grocery bag on the counter and goes to the oven opening the door and reaches in to take out a platter with food on it. A buzzing starts in the background and as Amanda sets the platter on the counter the food can bee seen to be rotten. Amanda continues to look at the platter as the buzzing intensifies and the camera closes in on the food showing flies, maggots and worms crawling all over the rooting food. EXT. STREET - NIGHT PAUL is sitting in his car pulled over on the side of the street and reaches over and turns on the radio. Every Rose Has it's Thorn by Poison starts to play on the radio as he begins to eat a burger. INT. Amanda's HOUSE - NIGHT The camera pans across the altar in Amanda's living room showing various occult objects, including a candle, bones and symbols drawn on wood, the Same as before. Now she places the platter of rotten food where Janet's toothbrush was and lifts the Same dagger she sliced her hand with previously and looks at it. INT. PAUL DUTTON's CAR PAUL is chewing the food he has eaten as the song continues. He puts down the burger and goes to check his watch, but his wrist is bare and he looks confused. Amanda begins the incantation. Amanda (V.O) Echranmuk madan fiéré marc oh don INT. Amanda's HOUSE Amanda places a watch (presumably PAUL's) on the platter with the rotten food and continues her incantation. Amanda: Duer kianave kihér tolic einder bolic marc oh don duer kianave. This dinner was cooked for you Paul Arthur Dutton. Amanda s*ab the dinner with the dagger. Amanda: Now you're going to eat it. INT. PAUL's CAR PAUL is chewing and holding his burger as the radio goes static and the song changes to I Put a Spell on You by Screamin' Jay Hawkins. Paul lays down his burger on the passenger seat of his car and maggots fall out onto the wrapper. He reaches and turns off the radio. Picking up his burger again he takes another bite and begins to chew but makes a face and goes to reach in his mouth lifting his burger and looking down at it. He see's it is covered in maggots. PAUL Aah, oh! PAUL puts down the burger as I Put a Spell on You comes back on the radio and he leans forward starting to choke. He opens the door of his car falling out onto the pavement hunched over as Dean and Sam arrive in the Impala. Dean runs over to PAUL and yells at Sam: Dean Check the car! Sam searches under the dashboard and steering column as Dean tries to help PAUL. Dean: Sam! Sam: Got it! Sam gets up removing the hex bag he found as Dean pulls Paul up from the pavement. Dean: Come on. Sam lights the hex bag on f*re and drops it to the ground as it glows with blue and green flames. INT. Amanda's HOUSE As she begins to cut her hand with the dagger and continue the ritual, the platter of rotting food bursts into flames. EXT. STREET PAUL recovers from choking and leans back against his car. Dean: You okay? PAUL What the hell is happening to me?! Dean: Someone m*rder your wife and now they're trying to k*ll you, that's what's happening to you. PAUL That's impossible! There's no way- Dean: If we hadn't have been following you, you'd be a doornail right now. Now who wants you d*ad? PAUL I-uh... Dean: Come on think. PAUL There's a woman-uh Dean: A woman, okay? PAUL An affair- a mistake, she was un-balanced, she was blackmailing me and I put an end to it a week ago. Sam: What's her name? PAUL What could she have to do with-? Dean: Paul what is her name? INT. Amanda's HOUSE Amanda is frantically flipping through the pages of a book with occult symbols on it and foreign language written around the symbols. A wind blows through her house bl*wing out the candles on her altar. Amanda screams and holds out her left arm where one cut has already been sliced in her wrist vertically. Two more slice down next to that cut with no visible assailant and blood begins to pour out of the wounds. Amanda: No! No...aah no! Three cuts slice into her right wrist vertically matching those on her left wrist and blood pours out of them despite Amanda's creams in protest. She falls forward pushing the altar off the table and lands face down on her glass coffee table blood from her cut wrists pooling around her arms her eyes shut. INT. Amanda's HOUSE - NIGHT Dean picks the lock and enters Amanda's house followed closely by Sam with their g*n drawn. They enter the room and find Amanda lifeless on the table covered in blood and switch on the light. Dean: That's a curveball. Sam: Yeah. They approach Amanda's body, and Dean lifts her right arm with the barrel of his g*n then looks at the other as well. Dean: Three per wrist, vertical. She wasn't foolin' around. Sam puts his g*n in the back of his jeans and bends down to look at the scattered remnant of the altar holding his nose to the smell of the burnt rotten food. Sam: Yeah, looks like she was working some heavyweight evil here. Dean: Yup. Dean turns around nearly running into the hanging body of a rabbit. Dean: Oh god! Freakin' witches! Seriously man, come on! Sam: Guess we know where she got the rabbit's teeth from. Dean: Well, Paul sure knows how to pick 'em huh? It's like Fatal Attraction all over again. Sam: Yeah. Dean: And why does the rabbit always get screwed in the deal?! The poor little guy. Sam: You know what I don't get Dean? If she was so bent on revenge, why do this? Dean: Well, she got Janet Dutton, thought she finished off Paul, decided to cap herself and make it a spurned lovers hat-trick. Sam: Maybe. Sam starts to look under the glass table that Amanda is on. Dean: I mean, this doesn't exactly look like the TV room of a bright and s*ab person you know? Sam: No, but then... Sam reaches around and pulls out another hex bag that is tucked under the table and stands up tossing it to Dean. Sam: There's this. Dean Another hex bag? Come on! Dean opens the bag to find similar contents of the bag they found in JANET's bathroom and he tosses it on the table reaching for his phone. Dean: Looks like we got a h*t huh? A little witch on witch v*olence? Sam: I guess. Dean dials the phone and hold it up to his ear. Dean: I'd like to report a d*ad body, 309 Mayfair Circle. My name? Yeah, sure my name is Dean clicks the phone shut cutting himself off. Dean: Why are witches ganking each other? Sam: I don't know, but I think maybe we got a coven on our hands. INT. VAN ALLEN HOUSE - NIGHT Camera pans out from 'Determination' poster on wall to two women sitting on a sofa. RON Alright, alright. RON is standing in the doorway to the room that the women are in. RON I'm going. I'm not fooled by your little book club by the way. I know what you ladies get up to when I'm gone. It's all dish and gossip. The women laugh as ELIZABETH walks in and joins RON in the doorway. ELIZABETH Hi Ron. RON Oh, hello Elizabeth. I mean, when's the last time anyone actually brought a book? TAMMI and RENEE Goodnight Ron. RON Alright. RON leaves and as soon as the door closes behind him ELIZABETH goes into the room seemingly upset. ELIZABETH He doesn't know? You didn't tell him? RENEE About Amanda? Oh, I think that's book club business don't you? TAMMI gets a candle holder with three tapers in it and sets it on the coffee table in front of the sofa. RENEE Thank you Tammi. ELIZABETH The police just took away her body, and what? We're just gonna pretend it didn't happen? RENEE We loved Amanda. TAMMI It's true. RENEE We know that she was a little...unstable. TAMMI Also true. RENEE And we have to face it, she probably k*lled Janet Dutton. TAMMI People just don't spit out their teeth all of a sudden. RENEE shakes her head in agreement with TAMMI ELIZABETH We have to stop. We have to stop book club, this has all gone too far. RENEE gets up from the sofa. RENEE Elizabeth, just take a deep breath. Calm down. TAMMI We can't...stop. ELIZABETH But people are dying. RENEE scoffs. RENEE Amanda k*lled herself yes. And yes, she k*lled Janet. Awful, awful business of course, but that's all over now. And think about what book club has gotten us hmm? Your husband's promotion, that little trip to Hawaii that you won. And what about me? My home pottery business is finally taking off and you wanna just stop? Do you wanna stop? ELIZABETH shakes her head 'no' and RENEE claps her hands together. RENEE K, now come on, we don't have much time, Ron gets back from his Fantasy Football in an hour. The three of them start getting ready for 'Book Club' which is their witches coven meeting by putting a cloth with a demonic symbol on it down on the table, putting the 'Book of Shadows' in the middle of it, and lighting the candles in the candle holder. TAMMI, RENEE & ELIZABETH Book of Shadows we kneel before you, let us serve your master as you serve us. Book of Shadows we kneel before you, let us serve your master- EXT. ELIZABETH's GARDEN - DAY ELIZABETH is turning the soil of her garden with a small shovel when Dean and Sam walk up her driveway to question her. Sam: You must have a green thumb. ELIZABETH Excuse me? Sam: Getting these herbs to grow out of season like this, quite impressive. I'm sorry; I should have introduced myself first. Sam reaches on the pocket of his suit jacket and takes out a badge. Sam: I'm uh, Detective Bachman, this is Detective Turner. Dean takes his own badge out of his jacket pocket and flashes it at ELIZABETH. Dean: Hi-ya. Sam: We're following up on Amanda Burns' death, going around the neighborhood and talking to neighbors and stuff like that. ELIZABETH But didn't she- I mean she k*lled herself right? Sam: Maybe, maybe. Dean: We heard you were friends with the deceased right? ELIZABETH Yeah, I guess so. Dean: Did you have any idea about her practices? ELIZABETH I'm sorry, what kind of practices? Sam: Well see, her house was littered with satanic paraphernalia. Dean: A regular Black Sabbath. ELIZABETH No, the- but she was an Episcopalian. Dean: Well, then we're pretty sure she was using the wrong bible RENEE and TAMMI walk up unseen, and RENEE speaks causing the brothers to turn and take notice of their arrival. RENEE Elizabeth, you alright? ELIZABETH I'm fine uh Renee, these are Detectives. They say Amanda was- she was practicing- RENEE I'm sorry Detectives; you can tell that Elizabeth is a little bit upset. Dean: Of course, Miss.? RENEE Mrs. Renee Van Allen. Would you like me to spell it for you? Dean: I'll get by, thanks. RENEE This Amanda business has been hard for Liz, for all of us. TAMMI Yeah, I mean, you think you know a person. Dean: Well, I guess we all have secrets don't we? Sam: Well, thanks, um, we'll be in touch. Dean: Have a nice day. TAMMI Bye. EXT. ROAD - NIGHT The Impala is driving down a country road through fog. INT. Impala - NIGHT Dean is driving and Sam is in the passenger's seat. Dean: Well, I'm already sold on that Elizabeth chick? Did you see that victory garden of hers? Belladonna, wolfs bane, mandrake, not to mention that little flinch she threw when we mentioned the occult. Sam: Well, she's definitely had a good run lately, gone up a few tax brackets; won almost too many raffles. Kinda thing a little black magic always helps with. Dean: Yeah. Sam: I don't think she's alone either, look like Mrs. Renee Van Allen has won almost every craft contest she has entered in the past three months. Dean: Yeah, a regular Martha Stewart huh? Except for the devil worship, I'm thinking that was the coven back there we met minus one member. Sam: Amanda was clearly going off the reservation, what do you think they k*lled her to keep up appearances? Dean: Seems like an appearance kind of crowd don't you think? Sam: Yeah. Dean: If they k*lled the nut-job should we uh, thank them or what? Sam: They're working black magic too Dean, they need to be stopped. Dean: 'stopped' like stopped? Sam gives him a look that says 'of course'. Dean: They're human Sam. Sam: They're m*rder. Dean looks at Sam for a second with doubt and then resigns himself. Dean: Burn witch, burn. Dean continues to drive when the Impala stutters and starts to choke up. Dean: What the hell? EXT. ROAD - NIGHT The head lights of the Impala flicker on and then back on again as it slowly comes to a stop in front of a figure sanding in the middle of the road. The view from the inside of the Impala shows that it is Ruby. Sam gets out of the car first and Dean follows. Sam: Ruby. Ruby: Sam, listen to me, there's no time. Sam: For what? What are you talking about? Ruby: You have to get out of town. Dean: So this is Ruby huh? Dean raises the colt and aims it at her cocking it. Dean: Never had the pleasure. Sam: Dean! Dean: I was hoping you'd show up again. Ruby: Point that thing somewhere else. Dean: Hahahaha, right. Ruby: Sam please, go, get in the car and don't look back. Sam: Why? I don't understand. Dean: Hey hot stuff we can take care of a few kitchen witches, thanks. Ruby: I'm not talking about witches, you jackass, witches are whores. I'm talking about who they serve. Dean and Sam both look confused for a second, but then it dawns on Sam. Sam: Demons, they get their power from demons. Ruby: Yeah, and there's one here, now. Dean: Oh, what, you mean besides you? Ruby: Sam, it knows you're in town and it's gonna come after you and its way more than you can handle. Dean: Oh come on, what is this huh? Please tell me you're not listening to this crap! Ruby: Put a leash on your brother Sam, if you wanna keep him. Sam: Dean, look, just chill out. Dean: No, no! She's messing with your head, God knows why, that's who they are! Ruby: I'm telling you the truth. Dean: And I'm telling you to shut up bitch. Ruby: I'm sorry, why are you even a part of this conversation?! Dean: Oh, I don't know maybe because he's my brother you black eyed skank! Ruby: Oh, right, right. You care about your brother so much, that's why you're checking out in a few months, leaving him all alone? Dean: Shut up. Ruby: At least let me try and save him, since you won't be here to do it anymore. Dean: I said shut up! Dean moves to f*re the colt at Ruby. Sam: Dean no! Sam pushes Dean's arm away from Ruby as he fires the colt, and Dean tries to fight against Sam's hold and they lock arms and both look to where Ruby was standing to see that she has vanished. Dean gives Sam a look of disappointment and goes back to get in the Impala, as Sam looks around in vain for Ruby. INT. Hotel ROOM - NIGHT Dean walks in first and switches on the light and Sam follows right behind him. Dean: What the hell were you thinking? Sam: What?! What the hell was I thinking? Dean: She's a demon Sam, period alright. They want us d*ad, we want them d*ad. Sam: Oh, that's funny; I remember that demon chick in Ohio, Casey? You didn't want her d*ad. Dean: Yeah, well she wasn't stringing me along like a fish on a hook. Sam: No one's stringing me along. Look, I know it's dangerous, that she is dangerous, but like it or not, she is useful. Dean: No, we k*ll her before she kills us. Sam: k*ll her with what? The g*n she fixed for us? Dean: Whatever works. Sam: Dean, if she wants us d*ad, all she has to do is stop saving our lives. Dean turns away from Sam and goes to the sink turning on the water. Sam: Look, we have to start looking at the big picture Dean, start thinking in strategies and- and moves ahead. Dean splashes water on his face. Sam: It's not so simple, we're not- we're not just hunting anymore, we're at w*r. Dean turns off the water and looks at Sam in the mirror above the sink, grabs a towel to dry off his face and turns back around to Sam. Dean: Are you feeling okay? Sam: Uh, why are you always asking me that? Sam sits on the foot of one of the beds in the room, and Dean moves back toward Sam. Dean: Because you're taking advice from a demon for starters, and by the way, you seem less and less worried about offing people, it used to eat you up inside. Sam: Yeah, and what has that gotten me? Dean: Nothing, but it's just what you're supposed to do okay? We're supposed to drive in the friggin' car and friggin' argue about this stuff. You know, you go on about the sanctity of life and all that crap. Sam: Wait, so- so you're mad because I'm starting to agree with you? Dean: No, I'm not mad, I'm- I'm- I'm worried, Sam Dean moves and sits down on the foot of the other bed in the room. Dean: I'm worried because you're not acting like yourself. Sam: Yeah, you're right, I'm not. I don't have a choice. Dean: What is that supposed to mean? Sam: Look, Dean, you're leaving right? And I gotta stay here in this craphole of a world, alone. So the way I see it, if I'm gonna make it, if I'm gonna fight this w*r after you're gone, then I gotta change. Dean has been looking increasingly uncomfortable during Sam's last speech, and is now clutching his stomach in discomfort and leaning forward slightly. Dean: Change into what? Sam: Into you, I gotta be more like you. Dean tightens his face in pain, and leans further over still clutching his stomach and side with his left hand. Dean: Ah! Sam: What's going on with you? Dean moves around in pain still clutching his stomach, and he can barely force words out. Dean: I don't know. Oh- Sam something's wrong- bunch of knives inside of me- Sam: Dean. Sam Moves off the bed and kneels in front of Dean who is now leaning all the way forward with his head almost between his legs. Dean: Son of a bitch- Sam: Dean, hey. Dean: The coven man, it's gotta be the coven. Sam: Don't worry. Sam gets up and rushes into the bathroom opening the cupboards below the sink looking for the hex bag as Dean groans in pain and lies back on the bed, his face still twisted in pain. Sam pulls things out of the cupboard throwing them aside. Dean leans back forward falling to his knees in front of the foot of the bed, spitting out blood, choking and sputtering. Sam is still looking for the hex bag, in another cupboard pulling out pillows and when he finds nothing, he moves to the bed while Dean is still choking on blood and spitting it out of his mouth. Sam pulls off the covers to the bed tearing back the sheets and slices the mattress open with his Kn*fe and still cannot find the hex bag Sam: Dean, I can't find it. Dean falls over sideways and looks weak and hurt and still in pain. Sam: No. As Dean continues to cough blood more weakly now, Sam rummages through his bag and pulls out the colt and opens it to make sure there are b*ll*ts in it. Dean: Sam, what are you doing? Sam gets up and moves toward the door. Dean: Sam. Sam leaves closing the door behind him. Dean: Sam! EXT. ROAD - NIGHT The Impala speed down a dark country road and the camera pans up to reveal Sam at the wheel with a look of determination on his face. INT. VAN ALLEN HOUSE - NIGHT ELIZABETH, RENEE AND TAMMI are around the coffee table again with the altar set up, chanting. ELIZABETH, RENEE AND TAMMI Kihér tolic echranmuk madan fiéré marc oh don duer kianave- Sam kicks in the door and the women scream out of fear getting up from the altar raising their hands in surrender. Sam enters the room with the colt drawn. Sam: Let him go. RENEE Let who go? What are you doing? You're insane, get out! Sam: Look, if you know about me, you know about this g*n, you're k*lling my brother, now let him go. Get away from the altar. RENEE What? Sam: Now! They all move away from the altar with their hands still up as Sam keeps the colt trained on them. INT. Hotel ROOM - NIGHT Dean is leaning over a pool of blood he has spit out gasping and coughing blood still. There are quick footsteps outside and the door is kicked open and Ruby steps in and finds Dean who looks up and sees her. Dean: You wanna k*ll me? Get in line bitch. Ruby goes over to Dean and pulls him up by the collar tossing him on the bed, leans over him and forces his mouth open with her left hand as Dean tries to push her away. Ruby sprays a black liquid into his mouth from a bag at her side with her right hand while Dean still struggles under her hold. Ruby stands up as Dean chokes on the liquid and spits some back out. Ruby: Stop calling me bitch. INT. VAN ALLEN HOUSE - NIGHT Sam is still aiming the g*n at ELIZABETH, RENEE and TAMMI. Sam: Go. ELIZABETH, RENEE and TAMMI move over in front of the fireplace with their hands still up in the air. ELIZABETH What- we- we weren't hurting anyone. RENEE Please we don't even know your brother. Sam: Stop the spell or die, five seconds RENEE What? Sam cocks the g*n and points it back at them. Sam: Four . RENEE No, please, please don't k*ll us. ELIZABETH We were just getting Renee a lower mortgage rate. Sam looks confused but still holds the g*n ready. INT. Hotel ROOM - NIGHT Ruby: Next time you point that g*n at me, I'm not gonna just disappear, understand? Ruby tosses a sawed off g*n over to Dean who is back to sitting on the foot of the bed, his face is cleaned off from the blood and liquid 'cure' that Ruby gave him. Dean: You saved my life. Ruby: Don't mention it. Dean: What was that stuff? God, it was ass, it tasted like ass. Ruby: It's called witchcraft shortbus. Ruby turns and walks out of the room closing the door behind her and leaving Dean on the bed slightly offended. Dean: You're the shortbus...shortbus. INT. HOUSE - NIGHT Sam: Okay, maybe it's not you, Sam points the g*n at ELIZABETH. Sam: or you. He points the g*n at RENEE this time. Sam: Maybe it's you. Sam points the g*n at TAMMI who looks upset and scared. TAMMI I don't even know what he's talking about, what are you even talking about? Sam: I mean, all of you, everyone in your little coven, you've all had runs of good fortune, news worthy good fortune, except for you Tammi. Now tell me, why is that? You didn't want anything for yourself? Or is it because you're already getting what you wanted, like these women's souls. TAMMI I can't- I-I'm not- I-I-I don't... TAMMI sighs and puts her hands down, going from looking frightened to calm and her eyes change to black revealing that she is the demon Ruby warned him about. TAMMI Nice dick work Magnum. Sam: Let my brother go. TAMMI What's wrong, couldn't find my hex bag? Sorry, sweetheart, but your brothers' lungs should be on the floor by now. Sam sh**t the colt and the b*llet trail is shown in slow motion ad TAMMI lifts up her hand and the b*llet loses momentum is slowed and falls to the floor before it reaches it's target. ELIZABETH gasps. TAMMI You're in a lot of trouble Sam. TAMMI motions her arm at Sam, and Sam is thrown against the wall behind him, and pinned there. ELIZABETH Tammi, what's wrong with your eyes? TAMMI turns her head and attention on the other two women, making her eyes look human again, while Sam is pinned helplessly to the wall. RENEE Tammi, what are you doing? TAMMI Renee, shut your painted hole RENEE What? I-I will- You can't- Not in my house Tammi Fenton. TAMMI waves her right hand at RENEE and RENEE's head snaps to the right so far it almost turns completely backwards, k*lling her instantly and she falls to the floor as ELIZABETH shrieks in terror covering her mouth. Sam: Look, you got me, let the girl go. TAMMI Wait your turn young man. ELIZBETH makes another scared noise bringing TAMMI's attention back to her. TAMMI Shhh, Lizzie, its okay. ELIZABETH You're not Tammi. TAMMI No, but I'm wearing her meat. I had to break the ice with you girls somehow. ELIZABETH You k*lled Renee. TAMMI Renee, Amanda, that's what happens to witches who get voted off the island. ELIZABETH Who are you? TAMMI Funny story actually. You remember all those dark demonic forces you prayed to, when you swore your servitude? Just who did you think you were praying to? ELIZABETH This-this isn't it can't b- TAMMI What did you think it was? Make believe? Positive thinking? The Secret? No, it was me. You sold yourself to me, you pig. ELIZABETH gasps and continues to stare at TAMMI in horror. TAMMI All I had to do was bring one good book to book club, and you ladies lined up to kiss my ass. ELIZABETH No, no, we didn't know- TAMMI Oh, yes you did. You knew every step of the way, and now your ever living souls are mine. TAMMI turns back to Sam who is still pinned to the wall. TAMMI Comments? Questions? Hmm, Sammy Winchester, wow! Right here in our little town. You know, my friends and I, we've been looking for you. Sam: Why? Oh, right, cause I'm supposed to lead some piss poor demon army. TAMMI No, not at all. You're not our Messiah, we don't believe in you. But, there's a new leader rising in the west, a real leader. That's the horse to bet on Sam, the one who's gonna tear this world apart. Thing is, this demon, it doesn't like you very much, doesn't want the competition. TAMMI raises her hand and Sam slides up the wall and is suspended against it. TAMMI Nothing personal, it's a P.R. thing, so, buh-bye. TAMMI keeps her hand raised, and Sam begins to ne crushed into the wall, paint and plaster cracking as he is pushed harder into the solid wall. Elizabeth stands there watching, frozen in fear and the front door to the house slams open. Dean runs in with his g*n drawn and TAMMI turns around easily throwing him over the sofa, and when he gets up, she pins him to the wall behind him. TAMMI Two for one, lovely. Ruby's voice cuts in before TAMMI can finish what she started. Ruby: Wait. Ruby walks in with her hands raised in surrender. Ruby: Please, I just came to talk. Ruby puts her hands down TAMMI You made it out of the gate, impressive. That was a bitch of a fight wasn't it? Ruby: Doors outta hell only open for so long. TAMMI What do you want Ruby? Ruby: I've been lost without you, take me back. That's why I led the Winchesters here. Dean looks angry, and mouths "I told you so" to Sam Ruby: They're for you, as a gift. TAMMI Really? Ruby: Let me serve you again, I've wanted it, I've wanted you for so long. TAMMI You were one of my best. Ruby and TAMMI look at each other, and Ruby pulls her Kn*fe out and tries to s*ab TAMMI, but TAMMI catches it in mid-air. TAMMI But then again, you always were a lying whore. The Kn*fe is thrown sideways out of their hands across the wood floor. TAMMI and Ruby fight, and TAMMI throws Ruby into the TV, but she gets up and kicks TAMMI and goes to run past her, and TAMMI clotheslines Ruby causing her to fall flat on her back. TAMMI pulls Ruby up and throws her into a bookcase and gets a fireplace poker from the stand on the hearth, looking at ELIZABETH who is still cowering from TAMMI, before she walks back to Ruby with the poker in her hand TAMMI You're really telling me you threw in your chips with Abbott and Costello here? Ruby tries to get up, and TAMMI hits her across the face with the fireplace poker. ELIZABETH runs to the altar and dumps a bunch of pins out of a bow onto the cloth with the demonic symbol on it. ELIZABETH is unseen by TAMMI who is still paying attention to Ruby. TAMMI Come on, get up. Ruby is panting and not moving, with blood coming out of her nose. TAMMI I said get up! TAMMI tosses the poker aside and crouches over Ruby grabbing her by the jacket and pulling her up. TAMMI We've been here before haven't we? TAMMI Chuckles to herself and looks over at Sam. TAMMI She didn't tell you? TAMMI turns back to Ruby and continues. TAMMI Pretty mortifying I guess. She was one of mine. I turned her out a long, long time ago. Ruby here was a witch. Of course that was when you were human. Dean and Sam both look surprised even though they are still both pinned to their respective walls. TAMMI throws Ruby back down onto the debris of the bookcase she crashed through and stands up. TAMMI Didn't want your friends to know that all those centuries back you sold yourself to me? Embarrassing I guess, but don't worry love, no secrets where you're heading remember? TAMMI begins to chant and black smoke rises out of Ruby's mouth curling and hovering inches above her mouth. TAMMI Monyé valack forsa, ulu iri regatt ruac, fieesh nieesh forthsa lé inmist infirum forthsa por un betest a té un fornalles ecclaisee i TAMMI begins to cough and ELIZABETH is chanting under her breath at the altar. As TAMMI coughs harder, Dean is dropped from the wall and he falls forward. Sam also falls from the wall and drops to the floor as TAMMI brings her hand up to her mouth. TAMMI coughs up a handful of long pins into her hand, her mouth bleeding in the process. She looks at the pins and raises her right hand and clenched it into a fist. ELIZABETH's breath catches and her eyes go wide as her heart stops and she falls onto the altar, d*ad. Dean comes up behind TAMMI and s*ab her in the back repeatedly with Ruby's discarded Kn*fe. TAMMI dies as well as the demon that was inside of her and she falls to the floor. Dean looks at Ruby and goes to help Sam up and they both move toward the door and stop to look at Ruby. Ruby: Go. Ruby looks at them slightly embarrassed and wipes the blood away from her mouth. Ruby: I'll clean up this mess. Dean starts to walk toward the door, helping Sam on his way. Dean: Come on. Dean and Sam stop and look back at Ruby one more time. Ruby turns her eyes black and glares at them. Ruby: Go. Dean and Sam walk out the door and Ruby leans over TAMMI's body and takes her Kn*fe out of TAMMI's back and holds it up. The Kn*fe is covered in blood and smokes. INT. Hotel ROOM - NIGHT Sam is splashing his face with water and looks in the mirror above the sink with a worried expression etched in his face. EXT. Hotel - NIGHT Dean is walking outside of the hotel as the lights flicker, he looks around, and then back to where he originally was looking and sees Ruby standing there in the shadows of the hotel parking lot. Dean walks toward her. Dean: So the devil may care after all, is that what I'm supposed to believe? Ruby: I don't believe in the devil. Dean: Wacky night. So let me get this straight, you were human once, you died, you went to hell, you became a... Ruby: Yeah. Ruby turns to leave. Dean: How long ago? Ruby: Back when the plague was big. Dean: So all of 'em, every damn demon, they were all human once. Ruby: Every one I've ever met. Dean: Well, they sure don't act like it. Ruby: Most of them have forgotten what it means, or even that they were. That's what happens when you go to hell Dean. That's what hell is, forgetting what you are. Dean: Philosophy lesson from the demon, I'll pass thanks. Ruby: Its not philosophy, it's not a metaphor. There's a real f*re in the pit, agonies you can't even imagine. Dean: No, I saw Hellraiser, I get the gist. Ruby: Actually they got that pretty close, except for all the custom leather. Dean looks thoughtful and Ruby stops her departure, and turns back to Dean. Ruby: The answer is yes by the way. Dean: I'm sorry? Ruby: Yes, the Same thing will happen to you. It might take centuries, but sooner or later hell will burn away your humanity. Every hell bound soul, every one turns into something else. Turns you into us, so yeah, yeah you can count on it. Dean: There's no way of saving me from the pit is there? Ruby: No. Dean: Then why'd you tell Sam you could? Ruby: So he would talk to me, you Winchesters can be pretty bigoted. I needed something to help him get past the- Dean: The demon thing? It's pretty hard to get past. Ruby: Look at you, tryin' to be all stoic. My god it's heartbreaking. Dean: Why are you telling me all this? Ruby: I need your help. Dean: Help with what? Ruby: With Sam. The way you stuck that demon tonight, it was pretty tough. Sam's almost there, but not quite, you need to help me get him ready, for life without you; to fight this w*r on his own. Ruby turns and walks away again. Dean: Ruby, why do you want us to win? Ruby turns back around to face Dean. Ruby: Isn't it obvious? I'm not like them, I- I don't know why, I wish I was, but I'm not. I remember what its like. Dean: What what's like? Ruby: Being human. Dean looks down lost in his thoughts, and when he looks up Ruby has disappeared leaving Dean alone in the parking lot. (transkribed by Kernen Wing)

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "03x09 - Malleus Maleficarum"}

foreverdreaming

Air Date: 7 Feb 2008 INT. HOUSE - NIGHT Bobby is walking through the house, flashlight in hand, looking around. We hear a sound and he turns around, but there's nothing there. He looks a bit worried. When he reaches the doors to the kitchen he slowly slides them open, and takes a few steps in. He scans the room and suddenly we hear a Woman scream and she att*cks him. He falls to the floor with her ontop of him and she struggles with him, pulling him back and forth, while she's still screaming. The screen flashes white a few times and then... INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY Bobby is a sleep on the bed. We hear the door unlock from the outside and we see a maid coming in. After a few steps she sees Bobby on the bed, who hasn't reacted to the noises she's made. Maid: Oh! I'm sorry. She begins to walk out again, but as she retreives the keys from the door, and Bobby still hasn't moved, she looks a bit worried. Maid: Sir? Since he's still not moving, she leaves the keys in the door and walks over the his bed. She touches him on the shoulder. Maid: Wake up. He doesn't react. We flash back to the kitchen where the woman is still screaming and Bobby is trying to survive the att*ck. She slaming his head against the floor. We flash to his bed where the MAID now has grabbed his shoulders, shaking him, trying to wake him up. The previous scene and the one we're flashing to seems to be a dream. Maid: Wake up, you hear me? Wake up. Sir, wake up! She turns around to the door, panicked. Maid: Help! I need some help in here! END Teaser INT. BAR - DAY We open to the bartender turning around, with a bottle in his hand, to a man and a woman. He grabs a glas and walks down the bar. Man: Cheers! As the camera moves towards the bartender, he's pouring up a drink and we notice Sam is sitting in the background nursing a drink. We cut to him as he's tilting his glas back and forth slowly, almost spilling out the contents. He's looking sad and all the hope we usually see in him is gone. He also appears a bit drunk. The door opens behind him and Dean walks in. When he sees Sam he walks over, brows furrowed. Dean: There you are. What are you doing? Sam turns to him. Sam: Having a drink. Dean: It's 2 in the afternoon. Drinking whiskey? Sam: I drink whiskey all the time. Dean: No, you don't. Sam: What's the big deal? You get sloppy in bars, you h*t on chicks all the time. Why can't I? Dean looks around and we see the woman by the bar again. She's probably 40 and she's not looking all that good, like the women Dean usually hits on. Dean: It does have slim pickings around here. (he turns back to Sam) What's going on with you? Sam shakes his head, and doesn't say anything for a few moments. He looks completely lost. Sam: I tried, Dean. Dean looks a bit confused. Dean: To do what? Sam: To save you. Dean sits down next to him. Dean: (to bartender) Could I get a whiskey, double, neat. Sam: I'm serious, Dean. Dean: No, you're drunk. Sam: I mean, where you're going... what you're gonna become. (He looks close to tears) (scoffs) I can't stop it. (b*at) I'm starting to think maybe even Ruby can't stop it. But really, the thing is, no one can save you. Dean: What I've been telling you. Sam: No, that's not what I mean. I mean, no one can save you because you don't wanna be saved. I mean, how can you care so little about yourself. Dean takes in all this, and scoffs, and smiles a little. Sam: What's wrong with you? Dean looks over to meet Sam's eyes, but before they get a chance to say anything else, Dean's cell rings. Dean: Hello? (...) Yes, this is Mr. Sniderson. (...) (he looks surprised) What? (...) (he looks over at Sam) Where? EXT. ROAD - NIGHT The Impala is going down the road, quickly, past the camera. INT. HOSPITAL - DAY Bobby is lying in a bed and as the camera moves up, we see Dean and Sam standing next to his bed. Sam: So, what's the diagnosis? Doctor: We've texted everything we can think to test. He seems perfectly healthy. Dean: Except that he's comatose. Doctor: Mr. Sniderson, you're his emergency contact. Anything we should know? Any illnesses? Dean: No, he-he never gets sick. I mean, he doesn't even catch cold. Sam: Doctor, is there anything you can do? Doctor: Look, I'm sorry, but we don't know what's causing it... so we don't know how to treat it. He just... went to sleep, and didn't wake up. Dean and Sam share a look and then they look over at Bobby. INT. MOTEL ROOM Sam and Dean enters the room, which is the one we saw Bobby in before. Sam: So, what was Bobby doing in Pittsburgh? Dean: Unless he's taking an extremely lame vacation... He closes the door as they walk into the center of the room. Sam: I mean, he must have been working a job, right? They continue to walk around the room. Dean: Well, you think there'd be some sort of sign of something, you know? Sam opens a drawer, but it's empty. Dean does the Same, and that too is empty. The room looks completely clean. Dean: Research, news clippings... Sam turns to the closet. Dean: Or a frigging pizza box or a beer can. Dean walks away from the dresser he was looking in, and Sam walks over to the closet. We see that Bobby's clothes is hanging there. He turns on the light and Dean turns around to him. Sam: How 'bout this? He moves the clothes out of the way and on the wall behind them hangs all of the news clippings, maps and pictures they were looking for. there's pictures of roots, mushrooms, seeds and a map where Bobby has written "Pittsburgh" in big letters and underlined it. There's postists with adresses and numbers. There's a piece of paper about a plant. Dean: (Chuckles) Good old Bobby, always covering up his tracks. Sam: You make heads or tails of any of this? Dean takes one of the papers about a plant and reads the title of it. Dean: "Silene capensis", which of course means absolutely nothing to me. Sam: Here, obit. He takes a newspaper clipping and reads from it as he skims it. Sam: "Dr. Walter Gregg, 64, university neurologist." Dean: How'd he bit it? Sam: Um.. actually, they don't know. They say he just went to sleep and didn't wake up. Dean takes the clipping from him, reading it himself. Dean: That sound familiar to you? Sam: Alright, um... So let's say Bobby was looking into the doc's death. You know, hunting after something- Dean looks up at him. Dean: That started hunting him. Sam: Yeah. Dean: Alright, stay here. See if you can make heads or tails of this. He points to the closet. Sam: What are you gonna do? Dean: Look into the good Doctor myself. He walks to the door. INT. Dr. GREGG's OFFICE Books and boxes are cluttered over the office, ready to be packed up and removed. Dean and Dr. Gregg's assistant comes in. Dean: So you're Dr. Gregg's lab assistant? Sanders: That's right. Dean: Well, his death must have come as a shock to you. Sanders: Yeah, it did. Dean looks around the office, while Sanders stands behind him. Sanders: But, still, go in your sleep, peacefull... That's what you wish for, right? Dean: Yeah. Right. Dean looks at a book on the Doctors desk. Dean: Dr. Gregg uh.. studied sleeping disorders? He picks up the book and holds it up for Sanders Dean: Dreams? Sanders: I don't understand. I went over all of this with the other Detective. Dean puts down the book and looks at her, curious. Dean: You already spoke to another Detective? Sanders: Yes. A very nice older man with a beard. Dean: Well, I'd love to hear it again if you don't mind. Sanders: Thing is, I'm sort of busy. Maybe we could do this later? Dean: Sure. Yeah. Just bring you down to the station later this afternoon. (her face falls) Get your statement on tape, do it all official-like. Sanders: Look, okay, I didn't know about Dr. Gregg's experiments. Not until I was cleaning out his files. Dean: (confused) His experiments, uh...? The ones he was conducting on sleeping? Sanders: No one knew, okay? Not the university, not anybody. I already spoke with a Lawyer and he told me I can't be held liable for anything. Dean: Maybe you couldn't, but that was before the new evidence came to light. Sanders: New evidence? Dean: Mhm. Sanders: What new evidence? Dean: I'm not at liberty to say. Sanders sighs, most likely feeling screwed. Sanders: Look, I'm just a grad student, this was a gig to cover tuition. Dean: Maybe so. But, uh, still this-this... this could go on your permanent record. Unless you hand over the Doctor's research to me. All of it. Just seconds before the scene switches we hear a knocking. INT. Jeremy FROST RESIDENCE Dean holds up his badge, that states he's a Detective for Pittsburgh police department. Jeremy moves away from the door so Dean can come in. Jeremy: Look, I don't know what the RA said, but, ah, I was growing ferns. Dean walks in. Dean: (scoffs) Take it easy, Phish, that's not why I'm here. Jeremy: Really? Dean turns around to him. He's got a file in his hands. Jeremy: (relieved) Oh, thank God. Okay. Dean: I wanna talk to you about Dr. Gregg's sleep study. Jeremy: Yeah. Dr. Gregg just died, right? Dean: You were one of his test subjects, right? Jeremy: Yeah. Jeremy opens his fridge and takes out two beers. He holds them up a bit, motioning as a question. He then holds one out to Dean. Jeremy: Unless you're on duty or whatever? Dean looks to the door for a second, and then decides to go for the beer. Dean: I guess I can make an exception. Dean takes the bottle and Jeremy grabs the bottle opener. He opens his bottle as Dean opens his. They hold up their beers to each other and then takes a swigg. Dean closes his eyes as he takes in the beer, enjoying the taste. He gives a small smile before continuing with the interview. Dean: Now, Dr. Gregg was testing treatments for a, uh, "Charcot-Wilbrand syndrome"? Which means...? Jeremy: Um.. I, uh.. I can't dream. Dean makes a "huh" face. Jeremy: I had this bike accident when I was a kid and banged my head pretty good and I haven't had a dream since. Till the study. You know. Sort of. Dean: What'd the doc give you? Jeremy: It's this yellow tea. It.. it smelled awful, tasted worse. Dean: What did it do? Jeremy: Just passed right out. And uh, I had the most vivid, super-intense dream. Like a bad acid trip, you know? Dean: (forgets he's in character) Totally. (remembers his role) I mean, no. Jeremy: That was it. I dropped out of the stufy right after that. I didn't... like it. To tell you the truth... it kind of scared me. Dean looks at him, thoughtful. INT. HOSPITAL Dean is sitting by Bobby's bed, looking at him, thoughtful. Sam enters after a few seconds. Dean hears or feels Sam and turns around to look at him. They share a look before Sam walks further into the room. Sam: How is he? Dean rubs his hand over his chin as he turns back to Bobby. Sam walks to stand by the foot of the bed, he's got files in his hand. Dean: No change. What you got? He gets up and walks over to Sam, to see what he brought with him. Sam: Well, considering what you told me about the doc's experiments.. (he sighs) ..Bobby's wall is starting to make a hell of a lot more sense. Dean: How so? Sam holds up a picture of a plant from the folder. Sam: This plant, Silene capensis, is also known as African Dream Root. It's been used by shaman and medicine men for centuries. Dean: Let me guess. They dose up, bust out didjeridus, start kicking around the hackey. Sam: Not quite. If you believe the legends, it's used for dreamwalking. I mean, entering another person's dreams, poking around in their heads. Dean: I take it we believe the legends. They share a look. Sam: When don't we? But dreamwalking is just the tip of the iceberg. They pick up a paper from the folder that contains info on the root and a drawing of it. Dean: What do you mean? Sam: I mean, this Dream Root is some serious mojo. You take enough of it, with practice, you can become a regular Freddy Krueger. The camera pans up on Bobby. Sam: You can control anything. You could turn bad dreams good, you could turn good dreams bad. Dean: And k*lling people in their sleep? Sam nods. Sam: For example. Dean sighs. Sam: So let's say uh, let's say this doc was testing this stuff on his patients, Tim Leary-style. Dean: Somebody gets pissed at him, decides to give him a little dream visit, he goes nighty-night. Sam: What about Bobby? He looks over at him and the camera cuts to him, zooming in slowly on his face. Sam: I mean, if the k*ller came after him, how come he's still alive? Dean: I don't know. We zoom in on Bobby and the screen flashes in white. INT. HOUSE; DREAM We're back in the house Bobby was dreaming about in the beginning. He's holding a door closed as the woman is banging on it, making it rattle. She continues to scream and Bobby's panting, scared. He looks around for something to hold the door, and grabs an old suitcase. He desperately grabs around the space, which now reveals itself to be a closet, for anything to hold the door. He grabs a broom and holds his back to the door, trying to keep it closed. Bobby: (screaming) Help me! Somebody help me! The camera was on his face as he screamed and it now zooms out and reveals that the closet is gone and it's just a very long hallway. The camera zooms out faster and faster. Bobby: HELP ME! The screen flashes INT. HOSPITAL We zoom in on Bobby in the hospitalbed. INT. HOSPITAL; HALLWAY Sam and Dean comes out through a door, probably just leaving Bobby's room. They walk the hallway. Dean: So how do we find our homicidal sandman? Sam: Could be anyone. Dean: Yeah? Sam: Yeah. Dean: Anyone who knew the Doctor and had access to his dream shrooms. Sam: Maybe one of his test subjects or something? Dean: Possible. But his research was pretty sketchy. I mean.. I don't know how many subjects he had or who all of them were. Sam scoffs and Dean looks at him. Dean: What? Sam: (loud sigh) Any other case, we'd be calling Bobby and asking him for help right now. Dean looks like he just thought of something. He grabs Sam by his arm to stop him and he looks up at him. Dean: You know what? You're right. Sam: What? Dean: Let's go talk to him. Sam: (a little confused) Sure, I think we might find the conversation a bit one-sided. Dean: Not if we're tripping on some Dream Root. Sam: What? Dean: You heard me. Sam: You wanna go dreamwalking inside Bobby's head? Dean: Yeah. Why not? Maybe we could help. Sam: We have no idea what's crawling around in there. Dean: How bad could it be? Sam: Bad. Dean: Dude, it's Bobby. Sam: Yeah, you're right. (scoffs) One problem though. We're fresh out of African Dream Root, so unless you know someone who can score some it... Dean: Crap. Sam: What? Dean: Bela. Sam: Bela? Crap. (scoffs) You're actually suggesting we ask her a favor? Dean: I'm feeling dirty just thinking about it, but yeah. Dean walks away. Sam doesn't move for a moment. He sighs and then follows. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Sam is sitting by his laptop when a knock on the door sounds. Sam closes the lid on the computer, sighs and then walks over to the door. He cautiosly only opens it a few inches and then when he sees who it is, he opens it up completely, walking with it, holding it up. Bela walks in in a trenchcoat. Bela: Hey, Sam. Sam closes the door as Bela stops in the room, turns around, and then faces him. Sam: (annoyed) Bela, I didn't think there's a chance in hell you'd show up. He stands across from her, putting his hands on his hips. She just smiles at him. Bela: Well, I'm full of surprises. Though, truthfully... She takes hold of the belt of her trenchcoat, and begins to walk towards Sam. Bela: You wanna know why I'm here? Sam takes a few steps back as Bela comes up in front of him. Sam: Okay. She opens and takes of her coat, revealing her in only her underwear. Bela: Because of you. Sam looks to the side, unsure and a bit embarassed, as the coat falls to the floor. Sam: Uh.. What are you doing? He looks down at her and she puts her hand on his cheek, her eyes on his lips. Bela: I can't stop thinking about you. Sam: (confused) What? She leans in and kisses him. He responds and puts his hand on her arm. They breath in with the kiss and she puts her other hand on his waist. Sam: Are you sure? We cut to the bed where Sam lands on his back with Bela on top as they continue to kiss. They roll over as Bela moans and ends up beneath Sam. The camera cuts between her every word to her holding her head in different angles, enjoying Sam. Bela: Sam. Sam. Sam. Oh. Dean (V.O) Sam! Wake up. CUT TO: Sam is by the desk, resting his head on his arm. Drool covers his hand and he's got a smile on his face. Dean is sitting in the background, looking through the papers about the case. Sam smiles a little more and then realizes it was just a dream. His smile disappears and he sits up, wiping his face with the back of his hand. The Same hand he had drool on, which he discovers. He wipes his face with his other arm. Dean smiles at him. Dean: Dude, you were out. Making some serious happy noises. Sam looks very uncomfortable and doesn't look over at Dean. Dean: Who were you dreaming about? Sam: What? No one. Nothing. Dean: Come on, you can tell me. Angelina Jolie? Sam: No. Dean: Brad Pitt? Sam turns around, almost looking at him. Sam: No. No. Dude, it doesn't matter. Dean: Whatever. Sam: (to himself) Whatever. Dean: I called Bela. Sam gets still at this, a smile quickly flashes by. Trying to cover his voice when answering. Sam: Bela? Yeah? She-What'd she.. you know, say? She.. gonna.. help us? Dean: Shockingly, no, which puts us back to square one. I've been trying to decipher the Doctor's notes. Unfortunately, he has worse handwriting than you do. Sam is still in his chair, back to Dean, looking around a little. Dean: You gonna come help me with this stuff? Dean looks over at him. Sam looks around, and then down to his.. well, you know. He looks up, still keeping his back to Dean. Sam: Yeah, yeah. Just give me a sec. He moves around a bit in his seat, moving his hands around. Suddenly a knock on the door sounds. They both turn in its direction. Sam stays in his chair as Dean gets up to open the door. Dean opens the door just inches, just like Sam did in his dream. When he sees who it is, he looks annoyed and opens up the door, walking with it. Dean: Bela. As I live and breathe. Bela enters, wearing a similar trenchcoat to the one in Sam's dream, only this one is black and the other one was tanned. Sam reacts to her right away due to the dream, and tries to cover up his "situation". Bela: You called me. Remember? Dean: I remember you turning me down. Bela: Well, I'm just full of surprises. Sam is still in the chair, waves one hand at her while the other is placed to continute to cover things up. He's not looking at her. Sam: Hey, Bela. What's going on? Dean looks from her to Sam, and she just continues on. Bela: I brought you your African Dream Root. She hands over a jar of it to Dean. Bela: Nasty stuff, and not easy to come by. She puts her bag on the TV and goes to open her coat, with her back to Sam. Dean: Why the sudden change of heart? Bela: What? I can't do you a little favor every now and again? Sam gets a bit more tense but curious of her as she's removing her coat. He's obviously got his mind somewhere else. Dean: No, you can't. The coat falls away and reveals her in a regular shirt, and not as naked as Sam was hoping. He lets out a breathe silently, visibly relaxing a bit more. Dean: Come on, I wanna know what the strings are before you attach them. Bela: You said this was for Bobby Singer, right? Dean nods. Bela: Well, I'm doing it for him. Not you. Dean: Bobby? Why? Bela: He saved my life once. (b*at) In Flagstaff. Dean throws a look Sam's way and Sam just shrugs. He looks back at her, still not responding to her statement. Bela: I screwed up and he saved me, okay? You satisfied? Dean: Maybe. She looks at Dean, who's now looking at the jar, and at Sam. Bela: So when do we go on this little magical mystery tour? Dean: Oh, you're not going anywhere. I don't trust you enough to let you in my car, much less Bobby's head. No offense. Sam looks a bit disappointed. Dean walks over to the closet. He turns on the lights and opens up the safe, where the Colt is, and he puts in the jar of Dream Root with it. Bela and Sam is watching him. Bela: None taken. Sam looks up at her quickly and Dean closes the safe, locking it. He walks into the room again, where Bela is looking a bit annoyed now. Bela: It's 2 am. Where am I supposed to go? Dean: Get a room. Ah, they got the Magic Fingers, a little Casa Erotica on pay-per-view. You'll love it. Bela: You... She takes her bag in a huff and walks to the door, retreiving her coat on the way. Sam jumps out of his chair calling after her. Sam: Nice to see-.. Seeing you... She slams the door behind her, ignoring him. Sam: Bela. Dean who was smiling after her, takes that in and he turns to Sam, a bit confused. CUT TO: LATER Sam walks over to the beds with two glascups of the liquid containing the Dream Root. Dean is sitting on the bed, waiting for him. As Sam comes over, he hands Dean one of the cups and then sits down on the other bed. Dean: Uh, should we dim the lights and synch up Wizard of Oz to Dark Side of the Moon? Sam looks over at him, with a smile. Sam: Why? Dean looks at him, disappointed. Dean: What did you do during college? Sam looks at him with his usual "huh" reaction to such questions. Dean goes to drink the liquid but Sam stops him. Sam: Wait, wait, wait. Can't forget this. Dean puts down the cup and looks over at him as he pulls out a little brown envelope from his shirt pocket. He pulls something out and as Dean reaches out his hand, he puts it in it. Sam: Here. Dean: What the hell is that? Sam: Bobby's hair. Dean: We have to drink Bobby's hair? Sam: That's how you control whose dream you're entering. You gotta drink some of their uh... Some of their body. Dean: Well, guess the hair of the dog is better than other parts of the body. They put it in and Sam exhales, getting ready to drink what seems to be a very disgusting drink. They both raise their cups a bit. Dean: Bottoms up. Sam: Yeah. They put their cups together in a toast and then drinks it all up. They both grunt, trying to swallow, which seems to be a little hard. They smack their mouths a bit, due to the aweful taste. They look quite disgusted and nothing seems to have changed. Dean: Feel anything? Sam: No. You feel anything? Sam looks over at him as he shakes his head a little. Dean: No. He holds up the cup and looks in it. Dean: Maybe we got some bad shwag. We hear thunder from outside and rain pattering on the window. Sam looks over, a little confused. Sam: Hey, when did it start raining? Dean looks over at the window as well. He gets up and starts walking to the window, that's covered with white curtains. As he comes up to it he pulls the curtains apart to look outside, and we see that the rain is actually not coming from the sky, but from the ground. Dean: When did it start raining upside down? He turns around to Sam and as the camera follows his movement all colors seems to have drained and we see that they're now standing in the Same house that Bobby was dreaming about. They looks around a bit and as the camera changes angle, we see that the window Dean was just looking out through, is gone and instead there's a fireplace. The entire bedroom part of the motel have turned into a livingroom. Dean: Okay, I don't know what's weirder. The fact that we're in Bobby's head or that he's dreaming of Better Homes and Gardens. Dean is looking at Sam while he just looks around the room a bit more. Sam: Wait. Wait a sec. Imagine the place without the paint job. He begins gesturing to everything he's talking about. Sam: More cluttered, dusty, books all over the place. They begin to move around the livingroom. We get a sh*t through the window from outside, as if someone's watching them. Dean: It's Bobby's house. Sam: Yeah. Dean: (calling out in a hushed voice) Bobby? As Sam walks to the opening of the livingroom, by the stairs, he feels someone watching him. He turns around and we get a sh*t through the window again and the camera moves to the side, as if someone's hiding to not be seen by him. Sam keeps watching and we get a sh*t of the windows from his angle and then we see from the outside again, the person behind the camera is still hiding, but watching him through the curtains. Sam finally turns back around and walks slowly to the stairs and the person watching outside moves to get a better view again. Sam looks up towards the top of the stairs. Sam: (whispering) Bobby? Sam looks towards the door, while Dean is still in the livingroom. Sam: Dean? Dean turns around to Sam. Sam: I'm gonna go look outside. Dean: (whispering) No, no, no, stay close. Sam: Dude, I'll be fine. Just, look around in here. Look, we gotta find him. Dean: Don't do anything stupid. Sam nods and walks to the door, where we see on the windows that it's still raining outside. EXT. Bobby's HOUSE; DREAM - DAY Sam comes out and we see everything in bright technicolor and the sun is shining. The house is bright blue, with flowers all around, and birds chirping can be heard. Sam walks out on the porch, a confused look on his face. We pan over the yard, and down to Bobby's car, that looks completely new (Same car as used in "The Magnificent Seven") and we pan up the walkway, which is lined with all kinds of bright, beautiful flowers, to Sam. While Sam takes this in, the door suddenly slams shut behind him. Sam turns around at the sound and goes back and tries to open it but it's locked. Sam: Dean! He walks over to the window next to the door and bangs on the wall while looking in. We see Dean through the window, still looking around the house with his back to Sam, but he doesn't seem to react to neither Sam calling his name or him banging on the wall. Sam: Dean! Sam walks down the porch out of view. INT. Bobby's HOUSE; DREAM Dean open the doors to the kitchen, where we saw Bobby at the beginning of the episode. He walks in, looking around cautiosly. He moves through the kitchen towards the hallway on the other side. Dean: Bobby? He walks out into the hallway, where there's two doors. One across from the kitchen and one on the left. Dean: Bobby! He turns around as if he heard something and looks down the hallway in the other direction, where there's another closed door. Bobby: (scared) Who's out there? Dean turns back to the door that was on his left when he entered the hallway. He walks over to the door and we see long scratchmarks on it. Dean touches them as he goes for the doornob. Dean: (whispered) Bobby, you in there? Bobby: Dean? Dean: Yeah. It's me. Open up. Bobby opens the door and looks behind Dean. Dean: Hey. Bobby moves towards the kitchen, looking scared and looking around to make sure the screaming woman isn't there. He's scratched up on his cheek and nose. Dean walks up next to him. Bobby: How in the hell did you find me? Dean: Sam and I got our hands on some of that Dream Roof stuff. Bobby: Dream Root? What? Dean: Dr. Gregg, the experiments? Bobby, who's still looking around, throws him a glance. He's terrified. Bobby: What the hell are you talking about? The lamps begin to flicker. Bobby: Hurry. He runs for the closet again. Dean turns around and grabs him, trying to figure out what's going on. Dean: Woh, woh, woh, woh, woh. What's going on? Bobby: She's coming. Dean: Okay, you know this is a dream, don't you? Bobby: (terrified) What are you, crazy? Dean: It's a dream, Bobby! None of this is real! We suddenly see the woman from his dreams earlier opening the door on the other side of the hallway, behind Dean. Bobby points to her. Bobby: Does that look made-up? Dean turns around and we see the woman coming out into the hallway. She's wearing a white dress and there's blood on it and her. Suddenly the closet door slams shut and Bobby turns around, rattling the doornob to make it open. Dean looks at him and then when Bobby turns around, Dean looks back at the woman. We now see she looks rather normal except for a few cuts on her chest and neck. Even her hair is styled in a regular fashion. She doesn't look happy though. Dean: Bobby, who is that? Bobby has tears in his eyes now, but not from being terrified. Bobby: She's... She's my wife. Now her expression isn't as hard, she's just looking back at Dean and Bobby. Dean looks from Bobby to her and back again. INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY The boys are each lying on their beds, knocked out. Dean even has the cup still in his hand. Sam's is on the floor between the beds and his arm is hanging above it. They're both on their backs. EXT. Bobby's HOUSE; DREAM - DAY We're in the backyard and Sam comes around the house. There's a little pond and loads of beautiful flowers. Sam walks further into the backyard, just looking around. Bobby's Wife (V.O) Why Bobby? INT. Bobby's HOUSE; DREAM Bobby's Wife: Why did you do this to me? They're now standing in the kitchen, by the livingroom, and his wife is standing in the doorway leading to the hall. At her words, Bobby turns around. Bobby: I'd rather died myself than hurt you. Bobby's Wife: But you did hurt me. You shoved that Kn*fe into me. Again and again. You watched me bleed. Watched me die. Dean comes up behind Bobby and grabs hold of him. Dean: Bobby, she's not real. Bobby doesn't respond to Dean, his eyes are on his wife. Bobby's Wife: How could you? Bobby is close to crying now. Bobby: You were possessed, baby. You were rabid. And I didn't know what I know now. I didn't know how to save you. Bobby's Wife: You're lying. You wanted me d*ad. If you'd loved me, (screaming) you would've found a way! Bobby: (small) I'm sorry. Dean grabs hold of him again, more forcefull this time. Dean: Come on. He drags him into the livingroom and as he begins to slide the doors closed, Bobby's Wife runs for the doors, screaming. EXT. Bobby's HOUSE; DREAM Sam is walking by a line of washed sheets, drying in the wind. When he turns around, Jeremy shows up with a bat, swinging, hitting him hard in the chest and shoulder. INT. MOTEL ROOM Sam flinches from the h*t. EXT. Bobby's HOUSE; DREAM Sam falls to the ground with the h*t. INT. MOTEL ROOM The camera zooms in on Sam who continues to just be knocked out, without a reaction. EXT. Bobby's HOUSE; DREAM Sam is on the ground, holding his shoulder and Jeremy stands over him. Sam: Who are you? Jeremy: Who are you? You don't belong here. Sam: You're one to talk. You're in my friend's head. Jeremy: You got a poor choice in friends. This is self-defense. He came after me. He wanted to hurt me. Sam: Maybe because you're a k*ller. Jeremy: You should be nicer to me. In here... you're just an insect. I'm a god. INT. Bobby's HOUSE; DREAM Bobby's Wife is jumping and banging on the doors to the livingroom, screaming. Dean: I'm telling you, all of it. Your house, your wife, it's a nightmare. Dean is standing by the doors, keeping them closed. Bobby is standing across from him, just looking at him. His wife continues to bang and scream. Dean finally grabs a wire to tie around the doorhandles. Bobby: (crying) I k*lled her. Dean: Bobby! This is your dream that you can wake up. I mean, hell, you can do anything. He ties the doors together just as Bobby walks up behind him. Bobby: Just leave me alone. Let her k*ll me already. Dean grabs hold of him, trying to get him to wake up, to snap out it all. Dean: Look at me. Look at me. You gotta snap out of this now. You gotta snap out of this now! You're not gonna die. I'm not gonna let you die. I'm not gonna let you die. You're like a father to me. You gotta believe me, please. They look at each other for a moment. Bobby looks once at the door his wife is still banging on and screaming behind, and then he look back at Dean. Bobby: I'm dreaming? Dean: Yes. Now take control of it. Bobby looks towards the door, and then he closes his eyes tightly and suddenly all the banging and screaming stops. Dean lets go of him and walks over to the doors. He removes the cable and slides the doors open, revealing an empty kitchen. Bobby's Wife is nowhere in sight. Bobby: I don't believe it. Dean turns around and looks at him. Dean: (breathing heavily) Believe it. Now would you please wake up? EXT. Bobby's HOUSE; DREAM Sam is still on the ground and Jeremy is standing over him. Jeremy: Sweet dreams. He raises the bat and Sam pulls up his arm to take the impact. Jeremy swings the bat down hard. INT. HOSPITAL Bobby wakes up with a force, sitting up in bed. INT. MOTEL ROOM Dean and Sam wake up with a force, sitting up on their beds, panting. INT. HOSPITAL Bobby's panting, looking around. INT. MOTEL ROOM The boys are panting and Dean looks down at his cup. They look over at each other. INT. HOSPITAL; LATER Bobby is sitting in bed, looking over the papers from the investigation. Dean is sitting on the bed next to him. Dean: Hey, Bobby. That, uh... That stuff, all that stuff with your wife? Bobby looks over at him. Dean: That actually happen? Bobby: Everybody got into hunting somehow. Dean: I'm sorry. Bobby: Don't be sorry. If it weren't for you, I'd still be lost in there. Or d*ad. (b*at) Thank you. Dean only responds with a twitch of his lips. Sam comes in after that, seeing the guys sharing a look. Sam: So, uh, stoner boy wasn't in his dorm. My guess is he's long gone by now. Bobby: He ain't much of a stoner. He picks up a picture of Jeremy, looking at it. Dean: No? Bobby: No. His name's Jeremy Frost. Full-on genius. Hundred-and-sixty IQ. Which is sayin' some, considering his dad took a baseball bat to his head. Dean nods at that. Bobby picks up another paper and hands it to Sam. Bobby: Here's Father of the Year. We see that it's a copy of a drivers license for Jeremy's dad, Henry DAVID FROST. Bobby: He died before Jeremy was 10. Sam: Looks like a real sweetheart. Bobby: Injury gave him Charcot-Wilbrand, he hasn't dreamt since. Sam puts the paper back on the little side table. Dean: Till he started dosing the dream drug. Bobby: yep. Dean: How'd he know how to dig up your worst nightmare and throw it at you? Bobby: He was rooting around in my skull. God knows what he saw in there. Sam: Yeah. How'd he get in there in the first place? Isn't he supposed to have some of your hair, your DNA or something? Dean: Yeah. Bobby: Yeah. Before I knew it was him, he offered me a beer. I drank it. Dumbest frigging thing. Dean, realizing he's done the Same thing tries to make it a bit lighter. Dean: Oh, I don't know. It wasn't that dumb. (nervous laugh) Sam and Bobby both looks at him with this comment. Sam: Dean, you didn't. Dean: I was thirsty. Sam: (angry) That's great, now he can come after either one of you. Dean: Well, now we just have to find him first. Bobby: We better work fast and coffee up. Because one thing we cannot do is fall asleep. The screen goes black. SUBTITLE Two Days Later INT. Impala - NIGHT Dean's behind the wheel, Sam is sitting next to him. Dean is clearly pissed over the whole situation. Dean: I mean, this Jeremy guy's not a frigging ghost. Where the hell could he be? Sam: Dean, you sure you don't want me to drive? You seem a little... Dean looks over at him. Sam: ..caffeinated. Dean: Thanks for the news flash, Edison. Dean's cell rings. He tries to get hold of it but it's turns out it's a bit hard and he mutters indistinctly. He finally gets it up. The scene flashes between Bobby in the motelroom with Bela and the Impala. Dean: Tell me you got something. Bobby: Strip club was a bust, huh? Dean: Yeah. Bobby: That was our last lead. Dean: What the hell, Bobby! Bobby: Don't yell at me, boy. I'm working my ass off here. Dean: Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just.. I'm-I'm-I'm tired. Bela is using her spirit board and tarot cards to find help from the d*ad. Bobby: Well, who ain't? Dean: What's Bela got? Bobby turns to Bela. Bobby: What do you got, Bela? Bela: Sorry. Sometimes the spirit world is in a chatty mood, and sometimes it isn't. Bobby: (to Dean) She's got nothing. Dean: Great! Well, I'm just gonna go blow my brains out now! He flips the phone closed and throws it in his lap. He hits the steering-wheel grunting angrily. INT. MOTEL ROOM Bobby flips his phone closed and looks over at Bela, who's still working by the board. Bobby walks over to her. Bobby: Let me ask you somethin'. Bela looks up at him. Bobby: What are you doin' helping us? She smiles a little. Bela: Bobby, I'm surprised you don't remember. Bobby squints his eyes a little, not making the connection. Bela: Flagstaff? Bobby looks thoughtfull for a moment. Bobby: Oh. Yeah. Right. Flagstaff. EXT. Impala The Impala comes down the road towards the camera. Suddenly Dean turns the car on a sideroad instead of continuing on. When they get to a clearing in the woods, he shuts off the engine. The camera pans up from the headlights to the windshield and over to Dean's window. Dean: Alright, that's it. I'm done. Sam: What are you doing? Dean slides down a bit in his seat, resting his head on the back of it. Dean: Taking myself a long-overdue nap. Sam: What? Dean, Jeremy can come after you. Dean: That's the idea. Sam: Excuse me? INT. Impala Dean: Come on man, we can't find him, so let him come to me. Sam: On his own turf? Where he's basically a god? Dean: I can handle it. Sam: Not alone, you can't. He reaches over and pulls out some of Dean's hair. Dean: Ow! He touches his head where Sam grabbed some hair. He looks over at Sam. Dean: What are you doing? Dean: Coming in with you. Dean: No, you're not. Sam: Why not? At least then it'll be two against one. Dean doesn't have a respons first, opening and closing his mouth. Dean: 'Cause I don't want you digging around in my head. Sam: Too bad. Sam goes for the items to make the liquid and Dean just looks at him for a moment. CUT TO: LATER They're both asleep, leaning on the doors of the Impala. Sam wakes up first, clearing his throat. The car is right where it was before we cut to after they fell asleep. Sam: Dean. Sam hits Dean on his arm and Dean wakes up forcefully. Dean: Jeez. For the love of God. Dean looks around a bit, looking extremely tired. Dean: What are we still doing here? Sam: I have no idea. A sound can be heard from outside the car. Sam: There's someone out there. EXT. Impala They get out of the car, looking around. As they walk in front of the car, music can suddenly be heard. Dean looks behind him and then when he turns around, a corner of the clearing lights up, and there sits Lisa (from episode "The Kids Are Alright") on a little blanket and a picknick basket. Dean just looks at her and she smiles up at him. Lisa: Hey. You gonna sit down? Dean doesn't move, he just looks at her. She has a glas of red whine in her hand and she reaches for another glas in the basket. Lisa: Come on. We only have an hour before we have to pick Ben up from baseball. She holds the glas for him, giving him another smile. Sam is standing a bit behind Dean, taking this all in as Dean just looks at her. He looks over at Sam. Dean: I've never had this dream before. He turns back, away from Sam, and we can see that he isn't telling the truth. Sam takes a few steps towards him. Dean: Stop looking at me like that. Sam: Sorry. Lisa: Dean. I love you. She smiles and suddenly her entire scene shakes and both her, the picknick, the light and the music disappears. Dean looks around, Sam turns around, doing the Same. Dean: Where'd she go? Sam is looking into the woods and suddenly Jeremy comes out from behind a tree. Sam: Dean. He takes after Jeremy, who runs off. Dean quickly follows Sam and they run into the woods. Dean looses track on Sam, but keeps running in the Same direction. Suddenly he stops and turns, looking around confused. Dean: Okay. The camera pans out and reveals that the woods have turned into wallpaper and Dean is standing in a hallway with doors on both sides. EXT. WOODS; DREAM Sam is still running through them, in pursuit of Jeremy. He comes to a clearing, where he stops, panting, looking around. Sam: Dean?! INT. HALLWAY; DREAM Dean is walking down the hallway towards a door at the end of it. Before he reaches it, it suddenly opens up slowly. Dean stops, watching. The door glides open more, revealing a motel room. INT. MOTEL ROOM; DREAM Clicking can be heard, as Dean enters the room. As he comes in, we see that the motel room looks exactly as the one he and Sam is staying in. Across the room from the door, sits a man on the chair by the desk. Dean walks further into the room, watching him. Dean: Jeremy? The man keeps clicking the on and off button for the lamp on the desk, his back to Dean. When we get an angle over the mans shoulder, he clicks the lamp back on and we see that it's.. Dean. He turns his head back towards Dean, and he doesn't look very nice. Dean sees that the man is himself. Dream Dean slowly stands up, and turns to Dean, who swallows at the sight of himself. Dream Dean doesn't looks so hard anymore. Dream Dean: Hey, Dean. Dean: Well, aren't you a handsome son of a g*n. He smiles. Dream Dean: We need to talk. Dean nods and begins to walk in a circle, as does Dream Dean. They're walking in the Same direction just across from each other. Dean: I get it. I get it. I'm my own worst nightmare, is that it? Huh? Kind of like the Superman III junkyard scene? A little mano y mano with myself? Dream Dean: Joke all you want, smart-ass. But you can't lie to me. I know the truth. They stop walking, now having changed places. Dean standing by the desk, Dream Dean by the door. Dream Dean: I know how d*ad you are inside. How worthless you feel. I know how you look into a mirror... and hate what you see. Dean: Sorry, pal. it's not gonna work. (smiling) You're not real. Dream Dean: Sure I am. I'm you. Dean: I don't think so. 'Cause see, this is my siesta. Not yours. (raises left hand) All I gotta do is snap my fingers and you go bye-bye. He snaps his fingers once, and nothing happens. Dean snaps again, noticing nothing's happening. Dream Dean just watches him. He snaps them three more times and then lets his hand fall to his side. The smile gone, but his eyebrows are raised at this. Dream Dean gives him a nod and looks at him, clearly saying "see". Dream Dean: I'm not going anywhere. Neither are you. The door slams shut behind him, and locks. All the smiles are gone from Dean's features, taking in the seriousness. Dream Dean: Like I said... He raises his right hand, in which he now has a p*stol-grip sawed-off. Dream Dean: ..we need to talk. INT. Impala A bang can be heard, and Sam wakes up, gasping. He looks over at Dean, who's still asleep. Sam: Dean. Sam hits him on the arm and the camera pans from Sam to in front of Dean. Sam: Hey. As the camera reaches Dean's face, we see it's in fact not Dean, but Jeremy, who's very much awake. Sam: Wake up. He hits him on the arm two more times and then Jeremy turns around, with a hard, evil look. Sam only has a second to respond and take in that it's Jeremy and not Dean, and then Jeremy hits him hard in his stomach with the tip of the bat he used earlier in Bobby's DREAM. Sam grunts and opens the door. EXT. Impala; DREAM Sam falls out through the door, face first, still grunting over the pain. Jeremy comes around the front of the car, the bat resting against his shoulder. Jeremy: Boy, you just don't know when to leave well enough alone, do you? As he walks towards Sam, who's reached the back of the Impala still on the ground, he closes the door Sam fell out through and continues walking up to him. Towering over Sam who's now turned over, looking up at him, still moving backwards. Sam: You're a psycho. Jeremy: You're wrong. Sam: Yeah? Tell that to Dr. Gregg. Jeremy: The doc? No, no. The doc's the one that got me hooked on this stuff and then he took it away. Sam is lying still on the ground, looking up at him. He leans on the Impala, raising the bat, holding it like he's about to swing, looking down at Sam. Jeremy: But I needed it, and he wouldn't let me have it. Sam: So you k*lled him? Jeremy: I can dream again. You know what that's like, not being able to dream? You never rest, not really. It's like being awake for 15 years. Sam: And let me guess. That makes you go crazy? Jeremy leans down towards Sam, holding the bat out at him. Jeremy: I just wanna be left alone. I just wanna dream. Sam: Sorry. Can't do that. Jeremy: That's the wrong answer. Sam is suddenly pulled flat against the ground. He begins to breathe heavily. As we get a sh*t from the side, we see that Sam's now tied to railroad spikes, unable to move. Jeremy: I'm getting better and better at this. Stronger and stronger all the time. He's still standing by Sam's feet, now examining the bat. Sam looks to the side, and Jeremy looks down at him. Jeremy: But you and your brother? You're not waking up. Not this time. I'm not gonna let you. Sam looks up at him. Dream Dean (V.O): I mean, you're going to hell and you won't lift a finger to stop it. INT. MOTEL ROOM; DREAM Dean and Dream Dean has g*n circling each other again. Dream Dean: Talk about low self-esteem. (he Chuckles) Then again, I guess it's not much of a life worth saving, now is it? Dean: (to himself) Wake up, Dean. Come on, wake up. Dream Dean: I mean, after all, you've got nothing outside of Sam. They stop circling each other. They're now back in their original positions. Dean by the door, Dream Dean by the desk. Dream Dean: You are nothing. You're as mindless and obedient as an att*ck dog. Dean: (smiling a little) That-That's not true. Dream Dean: No? What are the things that you want? What are the things that you dream? I mean, your car? That's Dad's. Your favorite leather jacket? Dad's. Your music? Dad's. Do you even have an original thought? Dean scoffs, not wanting to admit to anything. Dream Dean: No. No, all there is is, "Watch out for Sammy. Look out for your little brother, boy!" You can still hear your Dad's voice in your head, can't you? He motions with the w*apon to his head. Dream Dean: Clear as a bell. Dean: (smiling) Just shut up. He takes down the w*apon. Dream Dean: I mean, think about it.. He begins to walk towards Dean, whose smile is fading now. Dream Dean: ..all he ever do is train you, boss you around. They're now standing face to face. Dream Dean: But Sam... Sam he doted on. Sam, he loved. Dean: I mean it. I'm getting angry. Dream Dean: Dad knew who you really were. A good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument. (angry) Your own father didn't care whether you lived or died. Why should you? Dean: (angry) Son of a bitch! He pushes Dream Dean hard, and he hits the wall above the desk, landing on it. Dean: (screaming angrily) My father was an obsessed bastard! Dream Dean tries to get up and Dean kicks him down on the desk again. He holds the w*apon as a bat and hits Dream Dean once and then pins him to the wall with it. Dean: All that crap he dumped on me, about protecting Sam. That was his crap. He's the one who couldn't protect his family. He- Dean steps back and swings the w*apon again, hitting Dream Dean twice. Dean: He's the one who let Mom die. He pins Dream Dean again. Dean: Who wasn't there for Sam. I always was! He wasn't fair! I didn't deserve what he put on me. He backs away from Dream Dean. Dean: And I don't deserve to go to hell! He sh**t Dream Dean twice in the chest. As he lowers the w*apon and looking at Dream Dean, we see the latter is d*ad. There's bloodspatter on Dream Dean's face and his eyes are closed. EXT. Impala; DREAM Jeremy is hitting Sam repeatedly on his legs and knees, both with the bat and with his feet. Sam is grunting through the as*ault, not able to move. INT. MOTEL ROOM; DREAM Dean approaches Dream Dean on the desk, looking at him. Suddenly Dream Dean's eyes flickers open and they're completely black, as when a demon possesses a human. Dean widens his eyes at that. Demon Dean sits up, looking into Dean's eyes. Demon Dean: (hard and angrily) You can't escape me, Dean. You're gonna die. And this, this is what you're gonna become. EXT. Impala; DREAM Jeremy is now standing over Sam, the bat hovering above Sam's chest. Jeremy: You can't stop me. There's nothing I can't do in here. Sam: (panting) Because of the Dream Root. Jeremy: That's right. Sam: Yeah? Well, you're forgetting something. Jeremy now holds the bat, ready to swing down on Sam. Jeremy: What's that? Sam looks up at him. Sam: I took the Dream Root too. He smiles. Man: Jeremy! As Jeremy turns around, the camera swings to the woods and we see Jeremy's father, Henry, standing at the edge of the woods. Henry: Jeremy! Jeremy: No. No. Henry begins walking towards him. Jeremy: Dad? Henry: You answer me when I'm talking to you, boy. Jeremy backs away from Sam and Henry. He no longer has the bat in his hands. Jeremy: No. Suddenly Sam shows up and hits Jeremy across his face with the bat. INT. UNKNOWN LOCATION Jeremy's eyes flicks open. INT. MOTEL ROOM; DREAM Dream Dean stands up. EXT. Impala; DREAM Sam hits Jeremy again. INT. UNKNOWN LOCATION Jeremy turns over on the cott he's sleeping on, a clear reaction to the h*t from Sam. He begins to shake and gasp in his bed, most likely from being beaten by Sam in his dream, and then he dies. INT. MOTEL ROOM; DREAM Demon Dean disappears and a flash on the screen appears. (this is matter of seconds) INT. Impala The boys wake up. They looks over at each other and then look away. Dean is clearly taken by what just happened. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Bobby and Sam comes around the corner and walks down the hallway together. Sam has a key to the room in his hands. Bobby: So you did a little dream-weaving of your own in here, huh? Sam: Yeah. I just sort of concentrated and it happened, you know? Bobby: Didn't have anything to do with... you know, your psychic stuff? Sam looks at him, and they stop walking. Bobby turns and looks at him. Sam: No. I mean, I don't think so. Bobby: (nods) Good. Good. They continue walking down the hallway. INT. MOTEL ROOM Dean is on the phone with his back to the door. He closes the phone and when he hears the lock being unlocked he turns around, and Sam and Bobby enters. Dean: Hey, you guys seen Bela? She's not in her room. She's not answering her phone. They close the door and comes in. Sam: She must've taken off or something. Dean: Just like that? It's a little weird. Bobby: Yeah well, if you ask me what's weird is why she helped us in the first place. Dean: I thought you saved her life. Bobby: (confused) What the hell are you talking about? Dean: The thing in Flagstaff. Sam turns around and looks at Bobby. Bobby: That thing in Flagstaff was an amulet. I gave her a good deal, that's all. Dean gets confused at that, closing his mouth. Sam turns around and looks at him, confused. He turns back to Bobby. Sam: Well, the why did y-? Bobby: You boys better check your pockets. Sam reaches into his pockets, as does Dean. Bobby: Not literally. Dean stops what he's doing and slowly looks up at Sam and then turn to the safe in the closet. Sam who's looking at Dean, does the Same. Dean: (walking) No, no, no, no. He goes over to the safe and opens it up. It's empty. Sam: The Colt. Dean looks over at him and slams the safe shut. Sam: Bela stole the Colt. Bobby: Damn it, boys! Dean: Pack you crap. Dean walks over to his bag on the couch. Sam: Why? Where are we going? Dean turns to him. Dean: We're gonna go hunt the bitch down. EXT. MOTEL - DAY The boys are standing by the open trunk, Dean is zipping his bag closed and Sam puts his own in there. Dean: Hey, Sam. I was wondering. When you were in my head, what did you see? Sam: Uh, just Jeremy. He kept me separated from you. Easier to b*at my brains out that way, I guess. (Dean scoffs) What about you? You never said. Dean shakes his head. Dean: Nothing. I was looking for you the whole time. Dean takes the keys out the lock to the trunk and closes it. They get into the car. INT. Impala Sam sighs as he sits down. Dean looks thoughtfull for a while. Dean: Sam. Sam looks over at him. Sam: Yeah? Dean doesn't look at him. Dean: (clears his throat) I've been doing some thinking. And... Well, the thing is... I don't wanna die. Sam expression softens, saddens. Dean: I don't wanna go to hell. Sam swallows, not answering right away. He nods his head softly. Sam: (softly) Alright. Yeah. We'll find a way to save you. Dean looks over at him, and then looks away nodding. He looks back at Sam, a little smile on his lips. Dean: Okay, good. Sam nods at him, reassuringly. Suddenly the scene goes into slowmotion and Dean looks to the side. Dream Dean (V.O): You can't escape me, Dean. INT. MOTEL ROOM; DREAM - BLACK AND WHITE Dream Dean (V.O): You're gonna die. We see the scene of Dream Dean waking up again as a demon after being sh*t. Demon Dean: And this? this is what you're gonna become. We see Dean, when he first snapped his fingers. His eyes are now black as night, he's a demon. He smiles and snaps his fingers and the screen goes black.

{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "03x10 - Dream a Little Dream of Me"}

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