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'consider the following' comes courtesy of bill nye, the science guy!

T-Rex: I submit that there are a finite number of songs! Therefore, the art of writing music is the art of exploring a closed space of possibility. T-Rex: Consider the following! T-Rex: There are effective limits on what constitutes music. If we take a week as a very generous upper-bound on the length of one song, then we have a temporal limit. Furthermore, since our ears are not able to distinguish between very similar tones, we do not have a continuum of notes, but rather, a finite set. Therefore, there are only so many songs that can be written! Utahraptor: I am forced to disagree with you, my friend! T-Rex: Surely not! Utahraptor: I think that you're omitting many dimensions of song. What about the way it's played, the lyrics? These too can be varied almost indefinitely. T-Rex: Almost, but there are still effective limits, therefore: finite number of songs! Narrator: SHOCK ENDING: T-Rex (punchline): Or are there?

my new temporally-based compression scheme is unstoppable!

Narrator: T-REX AS: "THE COMPUTER SCIENTIST" Narrator: part 2 T-Rex: Okay, so we covered how everything in a computer is stored in binary code! T-Rex: And we covered how any series of binary digits (called bits) can be transformed into a number. But these numbers are really large! They take a long time to send to someone. Luckily, it's possible to send any number, and therefore any file of ANY size, using only two T-Rex: single T-Rex: bits. Utahraptor: Sure, all you need are sychronized timers! Send one bit to say 'start counting' and a second to say 'stop!' T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: Yeah! Then all you have to do is count the amount of time between when you got the 'start' and 'end' bits, and that's your number! Transform it into binary code, and you've got your file! T-Rex: Well - yeah! Utahraptor: Ha ha, I knew it! I am the smartest dude! T-Rex: Yeah, but there's more to being smart than knowing compression schemes! Off panel: No there's not! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] He knows the secret!!

PARTIALLY based on a true story

Narrator: T-REX IN: "MOVIE ETIQUETTE" T-Rex: Okay, so I can accept that nobody applauds at the end of a film anymore. T-Rex: (Even though it is the classy thing to do!) T-Rex: But what is with the staff coming in to clean up before the credits are even half over? That's just rude! Dromiceiomimus: You're a dying breed, my friend! There are only a few credit-watchers left! Utahraptor: Yeah, why do you watch the credits? T-Rex: I like them! T-Rex: It gives me time to think about the movie I just saw. Utahraptor: Man, I hate to stay for the credits! T-Rex: This is why we can't see movies together! Narrator: T-REX FROM THE FUTURE TRAVELS BACK IN TIME TO THIS EXACT MOMENT: Off panel: This is why we can't see movies together! T-Rex: HEY! T-Rex (punchline): Stay away from women named "Susan"!

but all of these also work for men so it's okay!

T-Rex: I like my women like I like my cars! T-Rex: Expensive! T-Rex: I like my women like I like my cars! Dromiceiomimus: Foreign? T-Rex: Good one! Um... revved up? Dromiceiomimus: Fast? T-Rex: Low-maintenence? Dromiceiomimus: Freshly waxed, with a GPS tracking system? Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is insanely sexist! T-Rex: [small] hee hee! Utahraptor: Besides, I like my women like I like my databases! T-Rex: Managable! Off panel: Corrupted? T-Rex (punchline): Eww!

you know, just in case it wasn't clear

Narrator: A MORAL ALLEGORY T-Rex: [tiny] T- oh my gosh! T-Rex: [tiny] I've lost my voice! T-Rex: [tiny] This is a disaster! Dromiceiomimus, you have to help me! Dromiceiomimus: Ha ha, nope! Maybe this will let US get a word in edgewise! T-Rex: [tiny] I let you guys talk! I am always interested in what you have to say! Narrator: LATER... Utahraptor: I heard you lost your voice! T-Rex: It's back! T-Rex: And, I've learned my lesson: always listen to others! Narrator: THE END Narrator: JUST IN CASE: T-Rex (punchline): I represented vanity!

if you really respected me, you'd trick me into falling in love with you

T-Rex: I've never seen the world, but that's going to change... T-Rex: ...today! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I am going to go on a trip around the world. Would you like to be my "travelling companion"? Dromiceiomimus: Sure! Although, the emphasis you placed on "travelling companion" does fill me with some suspicion. T-Rex: Ha ha! Little does she know! Utahraptor: Little does who know what? T-Rex: Little does the Dromiceiomimus know that I intend to show her the great vistas of the world, and by doing so, make her fall in love with me! Utahraptor: Ah, the old "culture by association" trick! T-Rex: Wait- T-Rex (punchline): It's been done before?

friendship with this COMIC annulled

T-Rex: The other day I heard a math joke that I just had to share! So there's this party, right? T-Rex: A party of functions! T-Rex: All of the functions are there: eˣ, πr², i², even some old-school guys like abs(x). Anyway, poor eˣ is alone in a corner, acting all morose. His good friend 2ˣ comes over and says, “What’s the problem? Come on, integrate yourself into the party!” And eˣ looks at him and he says, “Why? It’s not going to make a difference!” T-Rex: Hah hah! Utahraptor: Oh boy, are we telling math jokes? T-Rex: We are! T-Rex: I didn't know you liked math jokes! Utahraptor: Oh, eigenvouch that I do! T-Rex: BOO! Utahraptor: Ha ha! You know, some people say pi r squared, but I know they're round! T-Rex: That's it! T-Rex (punchline): Friendship annulled!!

and i do too!

Narrator: YOU ARE GREAT Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Dear recipient of this comic: T-Rex: Whoever sent this to you thinks you are great! T-Rex: Let's assume this person is a guy. Boy, does he ever like you! He likes you so much he lets someone else do his writing for him and uses pre-packaged sentimen- T-Rex: - But that's not the point. T-Rex: The point is, this card is to tell you that you are great. Utahraptor: Wait, what were you saying about pre-packaged sentiment? T-Rex: Nothing! Utahraptor: Were you perhaps implying that the emotions of someone who feels he can't properly express them are somehow less valid than those of someone who can? T-Rex: Nope! Utahraptor: Well, good! Cause that's wrong! Narrator: THE END: T-Rex (punchline): Dear recipient of this comic, whoever sent this to you thinks you are great!

shouting 'somebody say yes!' is the best way to win arguments, i think

T-Rex: "Life is a neoclassical pastiche"! T-Rex: This is gold! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, would you agree that life is a neoclassical pastiche? Dromiceiomimus: I would not, as I think you couldn't even define what a neoclassical pastiche is, my friend. T-Rex: Well Dromiceiomimus, I think it's pretty clear. T-Rex: Ah, yes indeed! Life is a neoclassical pastiche, and I, a great philosopher! Utahraptor: No you're not! Utahraptor: And you should stop saying that, because saying life is a neoclassical pastiche is ridiculous, and nobody agrees with you. T-Rex: Oh yeah? Let's put it to the public, shall we? Utahraptor: Fine! Let's do it right now! Off panel: Excuse me! Everybody? Would you say it's true that life is a neoclassical pastiche? T-Rex (punchline): Somebody say yes!

unfortunately i couldn't compress how amazingly well-written the book is :(

Narrator: COMPRESSED NOVEL COMICS Narrator: today's book: LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov T-Rex: Lolita, light of my life! Fire of my loins! My sin, my soul! T-Rex: Ha ha, so seriously, I have a thing for 12-year-old girls. I'm ashamed of it, and yet - T-Rex: - and yet, I certainly enjoy marrying widows in order to gain access to their pubescent daughters! Utahraptor: What you're doing is wrong! T-Rex: Oh, but I love her, my Lolita! T-Rex: I love her SO MUCH that I never let her out of my sight and try to keep her locked in the house as much as possible! AND, I deny her her allowance if she, in her childish way, won't give me certain favours. My love for her is THAT POWERFUL. Utahraptor: Makes sense. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): She ran away?!

shuck your jive, man! shuck ALL your jive!

T-Rex: Another beautiful day: such nice sun, a fresh scent in the air, and I'm out for a walk! T-Rex: Yes indeed, it's good to be young! T-Rex: Hmm, but it would be better to be both young and in love. T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex: Life is beautiful but sad sometimes! Utahraptor: Maybe you should write something about it! Utahraptor: Sometimes writing lets you explore your feelings better. T-Rex: "Explore your feelings"? Shuck that jive, man! Feelings are for sissies and the elderly! T-Rex (punchline): Whom, it's worth noting, I respect!

WANTED: A LADY MAYBE YOU WOULD LIKE TO MEET ME? I AM THE DUDE WHO PUT UP THIS POSTER

Narrator: HOW TO ATTRACT WOMEN T-Rex: Attracting women is easy! T-Rex: Personally, I rely on my rugged physique and piercing orange eyes (in which, because they are so deep and soulful, one feels they could drown), coupled with my delightful conversational skills and coquettish flair! Utahraptor: This is not much help to people who do not have such coquettish flair! T-Rex: True! T-Rex: In that case, I would advise them to meet women on the Internet. Utahraptor: That's your advice. "How to meet women: use the Internet." T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex (punchline): If you don't have the Internet, put up flyers around town!

'i trip down south': new slang forms from ryan's bad typing skills

T-Rex: This weekend, I go on a trip! I trip DOWN SOUTH. T-Rex: Another friend of mine is getting married! T-Rex: This will be my first heterosexual wedding. I'm excited! I got a nice card and everything! T-Rex: The only thing I'm worried about is the dancing. I have such big, manly feet that sometimes they get in the way! Utahraptor: I can teach you how to dance! T-Rex: Oh, would you? Narrator: SHORTLY: Utahraptor: You're getting better! T-Rex: Whoo! T-Rex: Thanks! T-Rex (punchline): Now all the pretty girls will want to dance with me for sure!

the king of the dance is distinct from the lord of the dance in several dance-centric ways

T-Rex: Oh man... best wedding ever! T-Rex: And with my new dance moves, I "tore up the dance floor"! Dromiceiomimus: Are you sure it wasn't just a confidence thing? A sort of "the new dance moves were in you all along" thing? T-Rex: I was - until you asked! Hmmm... Utahraptor: So, T-Rex! How did it go? T-Rex: It went fine! T-Rex: But I'm beginning to suspect that the dance moves were in me all along! Utahraptor: No, that's wrong. I taught you the dance moves. T-Rex: Are you sure? Cause I sure felt like I was the King of the Dance that night! T-Rex: To clarify, I meant to imply that the King of the Dance was self-taught! T-Rex (punchline): I should have mentioned that sooner; otherwise, my statement makes less sense.

so it turns out god could be talking about having all the identification you need, or having all the primitive instincts and energies underlying all psychic activity you need

God: HEY T-REX THE NEXT TIME SOMEBODY ASKS YOU FOR ID YOU SHOULD PULL DOWN YOUR PANTS AND SAY THIS IS ALL THE ID I NEED T-Rex: Genius; only I don't wear pants! T-Rex: You know that, God. God: OKAY WELL IF YOU WORE PANTS IT WOULD WORK REALLY WELL ON ALL SORTS OF THINGS God: THIS IS ALL THE THESIS DEFENSE I NEED God: THIS IS ALL THE BIKE HELMET I NEED God: THAT SORT OF THING God: OH MAN God: I CRACK MYSELF UP SOMETIMES T-Rex: Listen, God- Utahraptor: T-Rex? T-Rex: Utahraptor, am I glad to see you! Listen, can you explain to God that His joke would be funny if we wore pants, but we don't wear pants, so He can stop talking about it? Utahraptor: I'd like to, but I don't believe in your God! I think he's all in your head. T-Rex: Well?! God (punchline): HUH

that's some trick!

T-Rex: Yes indeed! If I were the last man on Earth... T-Rex: ...things would be different! T-Rex: [starts daydreaming] [T-Rex's daydream] T-Rex: Hi, I'm the last man on Earth! Dromiceiomimus: My, my! Hello! T-Rex: Would you say you and your girlfriends find that... attractive? T-Rex: [harshly returns to reality] Utahraptor: Daydreaming again, I see! T-Rex: Aww, why'd you do that? I was imagining I was the last man on Earth! Utahraptor: And no doubt turning what's clearly a global disaster into a chance for sex with multiple partners! T-Rex: Heh. Well, you know me! T-Rex (punchline): Always up to my old tricks!

i got my wish

T-Rex: It's a real shame that all those great careers I wanted as a child will probably never come true for me. I'll never get to be an astronaut, or a race car driver, or a movie star! T-Rex: It's a sad realization - I always sort of hoped such a job would just... fall into my lap! Dromiceiomimus: Have you ever imagined what it would be like if you WERE a movie star, T-Rex? T-Rex: Sometimes! But I don't have a very good imagination for that sort of thing. What would I be, a romantic lead? T-Rex: Mostly I just insert myself into the commercials of my youth. [T-Rex's daydream] Narrator: OIL OF OLAY Utahraptor: Don't I know you from somewhere? T-Rex: Oh, that's original! [T-Rex's daydream] Utahraptor: Emerson High, 1975: you were in my class. T-Rex: I was your teachah! [T-Rex's daydream] Off panel: Miss Fitzhenry?! T-Rex (punchline): Bugsy... Brown.

ha ha ha OOPS

Narrator: SOCIAL RUIN COMICS T-Rex: I am sick of cold, emotionally distant women! T-Rex: That is: in theory! T-Rex: In practice, I guess I would need more experience with women, emotionally distant or otherwise. Dromiceiomimus: What, are you talking about me? You're saying I'm emotionally distant! T-Rex: No! Utahraptor: Well, who are you talking about then, T-Rex? T-Rex: Just - you know, in general! I wasn't talking about anyone in particular. Utahraptor: Yeah, but you were complaining about ex-girlfriends in front of a woman whom you've dated in the past! That's not exactly a recipe for social harmony. T-Rex (punchline): Hi, Megan!

who's to say we ALL wouldn't have been chatty giant green dinosaurs stomping on things, had we lived millions of years ago?

Narrator: T-REX IN: "PRESENTISM" T-Rex: Presentism is when you interpret the historical past with a view from the present! T-Rex: Its danger is not just that it is often self-congratulatory, but also that judging historical figures by present-day moral standards is likely not a fruitful line of inquiry. What we see as questionable (say, sexism!) would have seemed completely routine to someone brought up during such a time, and we can't really blame historical figures, I think, for not questioning it! Utahraptor: This seems awfully close to ethical relativism! T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Well, aren't you saying we can't judge historical figures in a modern context, because they lived their lives during different times? But then what's the point of having our advanced modern ideals, if we can't apply them? I think we SHOULD be able to judge historical figures! T-Rex (punchline): Anyway! In conclusion, presentism has good points and bad points and is not as interesting as I thought it was!

oh man, thanks to the 1920s for the 'being so surprised as to jump backwards out of frame' motif!

Narrator: T-REX IN: "FUTURISTS" T-Rex: Stupid futurists! T-Rex: They think they're so great just because they talk about the future all day long. "Ooh, look at me! I think that the future will have Internet robot nano-maids! Put me on the news!" Well I've got news for you, "futurists"! Anyone can call themselves a futurist: it doesn't mean anything! T-Rex: Argh! I even hate the TERM "futurist"! Utahraptor: You, ah - you seem a little more vehement than usual, T-Rex! T-Rex: They push my buttons, is all! T-Rex: I think it's because most of their predictions are either really dumb or blindingly obvious. Utahraptor: Sounds like you already have your own idea of what the future will be like! T-Rex: Yeah... full of Internet robot nano-maids! [a cloud of dust and motion lines suggest that Utahraptor ran away]

today's comic was going to be about a new form of time that comes after the future, but that didn't make sense.

Narrator: HISTORIOGRAPHY COMICS Narrator: featuring "Good Ol' T-Rex" T-Rex: Historiography is the history of history, and includes the study of how history is understood! T-Rex: We tend to think that history is just a record of what goes on in the past, but this overlooks the fact that two different people can view the same event, and even the same series of events, differently. T-Rex: For instance! Is history the story of progress, from savage to cultured Man? Is it rather the study of Great Men and their Characters? Perhaps it is the story of cultural challenge and response! Utahraptor: What's with the sexist language, T-Rex? You're all, "great MEN, cultured MEN"! T-Rex: Sorry! T-Rex: Most of these theories of history are over 50 years old, and reflect the sexism in the language at the time. Utahraptor: Well, if I were a woman, I think I'd be a little offended! T-Rex: [narrates] I had to be careful not to let him know I'd considered this situation before. T-Rex: Ha ha! T-Rex (punchline): H-how do you mean?

i think the utahraptor was setting himself up for a joke in the second-last panel, but then the t-rex became all self-absorbed so we never got to hear the utahraptor's punchline. THAT'S WHAT I THINK.

T-Rex: So - wait. What am I out for? I remember meaning to pick something up, but now I can't remember what! T-Rex: Was it batteries, maybe? T-Rex: Why am I here? Dromiceiomimus: Well T-Rex, I think you're here - as I think we're all here - in order to make the world a better place. That is the purpose of life, I believe! T-Rex: [thinks] I actually meant my question in the most basic sense, but I want to appear deep. I'd better act angsty and play along. T-Rex: Oh, my existential angst! Is there no happiness without knowledge of purpose? Utahraptor: Hey, I'm happy! Utahraptor: This is because I believe we're here in order to be witness to Creation. What greater purpose could there be, than to be the eyes and ears and souls of a Universe? T-Rex: Ha ha, yeah, that sounds good! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] So - heck. Batteries?

well gosh i was hoping for some considered debate but i guess i'll just have to PARTY DOWN INSTEAD!!

Narrator: IT'S A PARTY IN THIS COMIC AND EVERYONE'S INVITED T-Rex: Whoo!! Does anybody here like to party? T-Rex: Does anybody here like to STOMP on HOUSES?! T-Rex: If so, then I propose you join my party, featuring T-Rex! Whoo! T-Rex: Stomping on houses! T-Rex: Extreme!! Utahraptor: You're a one-man party, my friend! T-Rex: As usual! Utahraptor: But do you think you could take the party DOWN a notch? T-Rex: Nope! My parties only ever go UP notches! They go all the way to the top! Extreme! T-Rex (punchline): EXTREME!!

turns out that there's a lot of different dudes just down the street

T-Rex: So, I accept that I am the epitome of the male form with typical grace. But what is with my getting a sunburn? T-Rex: Huh? T-Rex: Clearly, my body is UNDEREVOLVED. Being able to be burnt by the sun - which, I don't have to remind you, Dromiceiomimus, shines on the Earth EVERY DAY - seems to me to be a pretty big limitation! Dromiceiomimus: Does this mean that your body is... less than perfect? T-Rex: My brain rejects that sentence as semantically invalid! Utahraptor: What if there was someone exactly like you in every way, only HE didn't get sunburns? T-Rex: Oh no! T-Rex: I would be doomed to being a second-tier character in my own life! Nobody (even myself!) would care what I was up to, when there was someone exactly like me only he didn't get sunburns around! Utahraptor: Well, let's be glad no such person exists then! God: ACTUALLY I THINK THERE'S A DUDE LIKE THAT JUST DOWN THE STREET T-Rex (punchline): Aw boo!

ha ha ha, whoah

T-Rex: My favourite cross-cutting technique of all time? T-Rex: Why, the circle wipe! T-Rex: I can't get enough! All you have to do for comedic gold is have someone say "Boy, I sure hope <x> doesn't happen to me!" T-Rex: Then we have a circle wipe to 8 hours later, and <x> has happened to them anyway! Ho ho! Whoops! Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, what's your favourite cross-cutting technique of all time? T-Rex: G- T-Rex: I was just talking about my favourite cross-cutting technique of all time. ALREADY. Utahraptor: Well, how - T-Rex: ALREADY I had covered that material. T-Rex (punchline): ALREADY.

just checking in, you know?

T-Rex: Hmm... maybe social relationships would be much easier if everyone said exactly what they were thinking! T-Rex: This gives me an idea! My idea is what I was just talking about! T-Rex: Hello, Dromiceiomimus, and am I glad to see YOU! Today I've decided to heck with being polite, and I'm saying whatever's on my mind, and you get to be the first person to talk to me! Dromiceiomimus: Oh boy! You've justified being uncouth! Who cares about the past 1000 years of evolving social graces? T-Rex: Sarcasm! Utahraptor: I think she's got a point, T-Rex! T-Rex: You know, I figured you would! Utahraptor: Too often we support something just because it's new, and forget that if an idea or process been around for a long time, that's usually - but not always, granted - because it has something to offer. T-Rex: Oh yeah? Well, I think that maybe YOUR MOM has something to offer! T-Rex: How is she, by the way? Off panel: Fine! T-Rex (punchline): That's cool!

NO WAY DUDE

T-Rex: I was down at the beach last week and there were all these adorable little hermit crabs running around! They were so cute that I scooped up a bunch and brought them home! T-Rex: They were my new pets! T-Rex: But then after a while I got tired of my new pets so I gobbled them up! T-Rex: Tra la la! Utahraptor: You didn't really eat them, did you?! T-Rex: I gobbled them up! Utahraptor: T-Rex, they're hermit crabs! HERMIT crabs! They live in whatever vessel they can find, and if you eat them, they'll take over your body as their new home!! T-Rex's stomach (punchline): NO WE DIDN'T

so i did this comic a while ago as a joke but then i was like, people need to know this stuff

Heading: SUBJECT: hee hee hee hee MOOD: ☹ Groggy MUSIC: Cibo Matto - Birthday Cake T-Rex: Sry people for not updateing lately!!! T-Rex: I haven't updated in awhile, mainly because my puter has been annoyingly slow. I need to ask my 'rents to buy me a new one! T-Rex: neway not much is new with me.... i really need to go out more... worried i might be in a rut... Heading: 4 COMMENTS | [blue] POST A COMMENT Utahraptor: *hugses* T-Rex: *big big hugs* THANK YOU!!!!! :) Utahraptor: Hey no problem. I actually meant it to be anonymous but I click too fast and didn't actually click the box I thought I did. Oh well. T-Rex (punchline): I sometimes make that mistake too.

alternate last panel: instead of god saying 'probably not', the narrator writes 'HMM...' and omg reality is redefined!

Narrator: FATALISM COMICS T-Rex: Fatalism is when - ah, screw it! T-Rex: I'm sure if you were meant to know about fatalism, you'd find out about it eventually. In any case, fatalism is the belief that future events are predetermined for the whole of time and are entirely unalterable! Utahraptor: You just defined fatalism... despite your best efforts not to! T-Rex: Oh my God! T-Rex: It was FATE! I was destined to define fatalism as the belief that future events are predetermined for the whole of time, and are entirely unalterable! Utahraptor: You just did it again!! T-Rex: OH MY GOSH! Is this my role in life? Am I to be forever DEFINING FATALISM? God: PROBABLY NOT T-Rex (punchline): Looks like nope!

i love that 'me too' voice in the first panel, whoever it is

Narrator: WHAT IF... DINOSAURS HAD NEVER GONE EXTINCT? T-Rex: I feel about the same. Off panel: Me too! Narrator: "WHAT IF..." COMICS Narrator: WHAT IF... T-REX WERE VERY VERY TINY? T-Rex: Luckily, everything else in the Universe has shrunk to the same scale! Dromiceiomimus: Yes, from any given perspective there is no change! T-Rex: CRAZY Narrator: WHAT IF... "AMERICA" HAD BEEN NAMED "SEXOPOLIS" INSTEAD? Utahraptor: Who's your favourite Sexopolian citizen? T-Rex: UM, THEM ALL Narrator: WHAT IF... T-REX HAD SUCCEEDED IN BUILDING HIS TIME MACHINE? T-Rex: Well, I guess I'll talk to you yesterday! See you... SOONER? Utahraptor: You keep going back one day to tell me that stupid pun, but I'm never going to laugh! Narrator: WHAT IF... THE FANTASTIC FOUR HAD LOST THE TRIAL OF GALACTUS? T-Rex (punchline): My comic has a slightly different ending...?!

Many years later, you meet the ghost again, and it is just as spooky as the first time. Several years after that you die of natural causes! OR SHOULD I SAY 'SUPERNATURAL CAUSES'?

T-Rex: I have written the spookiest ghost story ever! It is called, "The Man Who Died And Came Back As A Ghost". T-Rex: It's spooky! It says so in the first sentence! T-Rex: It says, "It was spooky night, with a ghost! The ghost was the spookiest ghost in the world, and he was so spooky that if you saw him you'd be scared, for real!" Narrator: [with an arrow pointing at Dromiceiomimus] (unimpressed look) T-Rex: The, um T-Rex: The next paragraph is "BOO!" Utahraptor: T-Rex, you have to make your readers feel scared! You just can't tell them they're scared. T-Rex: Sure I can! T-Rex: "The ghost explains that even if you were just reading about these events later, you'd still be scared. You realize with a chill that he is right." Utahraptor: It's a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book? T-Rex: It is now! It is if that's the format I have to use to tell my readers that they're scared! Narrator: LATER T-REX GIVES A READING OF HIS NEW BOOK: T-Rex (punchline): Turn to page 32 to be spooked by the spooky ghost! Turn to page 14 if you'd rather see the same ghost and be TERRIFIED!

so yeah, there's the movie!

Narrator: COMPRESSED FILM COMICS today's film: T-Rex: I'm Bill S. Preston! Narrator: BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE T-Rex: Esquire! Narrator: GREECE, 405 BC T-Rex: Thanks to Rufus' excellent time-travelling telephone booth, we can travel to any time period! Thus, Ted and I are gathering some ancient history dudes so that we don't fail on our MOST BOGUS history report! T-Rex: Whoah - historical BABES! Narrator: FRANCE, 1802 Utahraptor: We are in danger of flunking most heinously tomorrow, Bill! Narrator: THE OLD WEST Utahraptor: Party on, Bill! T-Rex: Party on, Ted! T-Rex and Utahraptor: WYLD STALLYNS! T-Rex (punchline): Be excellent to each other!

if you could write love letters to words i would write one to 'awesome' and 'awkward' and 'wacky' and 'abstruse' and 'sated' and more and i wouldn't let any of them know about the others.

Narrator: T-REX AND HIS WACKY DINOSAUR FRIENDS T-Rex: Time to visit all my wacky friends! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Oh hey, Dromiceiomimus, my wackiest of wacky friends! What are you up to? Some crazy scheme, no doubt! Dromiceiomimus: I'm selling unwanted possessions on eBay! T-Rex: Ha ha! That's WACKY. Utahraptor: T-Rex!! T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex: YOU, I think, are surely my wackiest of friends! What news? Utahraptor: The school is burning down! Quick, we need your help to fight the fire! T-Rex: Certainly! But I warn you: a school burning down? T-Rex (punchline): Pretty wacky!

god apparently wasn't paying attention yesterday to this comic, i mean

God: T-REX YOUR FRIENDS SURE ARE CRAZY EH T-Rex: Huh? God, my friends aren't crazy. Crazy's insane. My friends are WACKY. T-Rex: Wacky. God: THEY'RE PRETTY CRAZY T-Rex: Probably not, cause they're wacky! God: LOOK IN A LITTLE BIT THE UTAHRAPTOR IS GOING TO ASK YOU AN UNNECESSARY FAVOUR AND IT WOULD BE COOL IF YOU SAID YES T-Rex: Why? Let's get this crazy/wacky issue settled first. God: SERIOUSLY MAN JUST DO IT AND I PROMISE I'LL TELL YOU A COSMIC TRUTH AFTERWARDS T-Rex: God! FINE. Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex, I've a favour to ask! Can you tell me when seven minutes have passed? T-Rex: "Okay!" Narrator: SEVEN MINUTES LATER: T-Rex: Seven minutes have passed. Utahraptor: Good! My Kraft Dinner is ready! T-Rex: You could have timed this yourself! I guess this is kind of an unnecessary favour. God: HA HA T-REX YOU SURE HAVE SOME CRAZY FRIENDS T-Rex (punchline): No I don't!

oh man i hope this book hasn't already been written or i owe some author a pretty big apology

T-Rex: I'm going to write a great novel! It will be about one man's struggle to make a life for himself in the modern world, and it will be wonderful. He will achieve all he desires, and be at the peak of his career! T-Rex: And then, in the last sentence, a filing cabinet says "You're fired, and I can talk!" T-Rex: Hah hah! Best ending ever! Dromiceiomimus: Why? T-Rex: Didn't you hear the ending? A talking filing cabinet? "You're fired, and I can talk!"? T-Rex: Hee hee! Utahraptor: It seems like a really crappy ending to me! T-Rex: No! T-Rex: It RECONTEXTUALIZES the book. People will be like, "I thought this book was transcendental until that last sentence when the talking filing cabinet showed up!" Utahraptor: Is it a metaphor? T-Rex: Nope! It's just a talking filing cabinet that undermines the whole book. T-Rex (punchline): I will call the book, "An Unexpected Ending".

god's 0 for 2. backstory: t-rex is wondering if he's developing as he should

T-Rex: Are you there, God? It's me, - God: YO RIGHT HERE God: WHAT'S GOING ON T-REX T-Rex: You know, not much! T-Rex: I was just wondering if You'd heard any good jokes lately. God: MAN NOPE CAN'T SAY THAT I HAVE T-Rex: Really? You haven't heard ONE good joke? T-Rex: Maybe even a joke that was just alright? Utahraptor: T-Rex? Utahraptor: Who were you talking to, just now? T-Rex: Oh, I was just chatting up God to see if He had any good jokes - but no dice! Utahraptor: I'm not sure we'd even be able to UNDERSTAND a joke God would make! T-Rex: Come to think of it, yeah! I bet He'd do something lame like making all of the Universe the joke or something! God: AW GUYS God (punchline): YOU GOT ME

in this comic, haikus are big in japan, and are akin to rock music

T-Rex: The night started cold - Too cold, and it got colder: A night for murder. T-Rex: Alright everyone! There's no need for any more haiku: the art form has peaked! T-Rex: This is because I've just composed the Perfect Haiku. It has intrigue, a cold night, and perhaps, a hint of gunplay? T-Rex: Truly, the best haiku ever. To Japan! Utahraptor: You might want to hold off on that trip for a bit! T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Like most things taken from another culture, haiku have been transformed in their assimilation. You should know that a simple 5-7-5 syllable structure does not a proper haiku make! T-Rex: Oh I disagree! As you are clearly wr-ong, And I am quite right! Narrator: AND IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS, "A NIGHT FOR MURDER" TAKES JAPAN BY STORM! T-Rex: But what to do... T-Rex (punchline): ... for a SEQUEL??

Quite frankly, there were some parts that didn't make sense and seemed destined to remain, apparently forever, wholly beyond my understanding.

T-Rex: If there's one thing I know... T-Rex: ... it's women! T-Rex: Isn't that right, Dromiceiomimus? Wouldn't you agree that I have an uncanny understanding of the female gender? Dromiceiomimus: I wouldn't put it that way! T-Rex: Come now, don't be shy! Utahraptor: I disagree with you as well, my friend! T-Rex: But why? It's clearly TRUE. Utahraptor: T-Rex, your relationships with women have been characterized by confusion and misunderstanding and briefness, and AWKWARDNESS, as far as I can tell! Utahraptor: If there's one thing you know, it's not women! T-Rex: [narrates] In truth, I had only the loosest grasp on female anatomy, but I'd take that secret to my grave. T-Rex (punchline): Nuh-uh!

this comic is better with HOT CHOCOLATE. i believe in miracles! where you from, you sexy thing?

T-Rex: I have faith in random developments of chance of a potentially divine nature. From where do you hail? T-Rex: You attractive individual! T-Rex: I have faith in what may appear to be miraculous occurrences, Since you entered my immediate locale, T-Rex: You attractive individual. Utahraptor: Where is your place of origin, youngster? By what means were you cognizant of my need for you? Utahraptor: How were you aware of the extreme extent of my desire? How were you aware that I would offer my affections without hesitation? T-Rex: During the previous diurnal cycle, I counted myself among the ranks of the lonely! Now you're lying in quite close proximity, T-Rex (punchline): Engaging in intercourse!

has anyone ever written an entire other comic series into their continuity before? THEY HAVE NOW.

Narrator: T-REX HAS GOTTEN A NEW PET DOG: T-Rex: I've gotten a new pet dog! T-Rex: Hooray! T-Rex: My last pet dog ran away because I never fed him. But THIS new dog I'm sure to feed every day! Dromiceiomimus: That's very resp - actually, T-Rex, that's exactly as responsible as you should be. T-Rex: I know this now! Utahraptor: What's your new pet's name, T-Rex? T-Rex: It's also his description! T-Rex: I named him, "The Angriest Dog In The World". Utahraptor: Wow! Is he really that angry? T-Rex: He's LIVID, man! He's TENSE. Bound so tightly with tension and anger, he approaches the state of rigor mortis! T-Rex (punchline): Good listener, though!

this comic could probably be used to entice people to subscribe to an adult website, if you were CRAZY

T-Rex: [thinks] naked people T-Rex: Hot! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, what's your opinion on people who are naked? Dromiceiomimus: I would think that they are hot! T-Rex: I would be forced to agree with you my good lady!! Utahraptor: I too would agree with you re: hot naked people, my friend! Narrator: THE END Narrator: POSTSCRIPT: T-Rex (punchline): Hott!!

alternate ending: 'the kid has like a bazillion parents! and as you know, parents are the wingmen on the flight through life.'

T-Rex: Okay! So, we get a couple - no! - a polyamorous CROWD of people, who all want to have a child, but who are all infertile. So! Then we get a donated fertilized egg... T-Rex: ... and bring it to term with a surrogate mother who is herself married! T-Rex: THEN, you give the child to the polyamorous crowd, who have new members replace old ones quickly and quite often. Um, infinitely often. T-Rex: THAT’S, I think, how you get a child with the highest number of people who could possibly claim parentage. Tada! Utahraptor: You've outdone yourself this time, my friend! T-Rex: How's that? Utahraptor: Well, you’ve raised pretty much every socio-reproductive issue in the book, and also RUINED THE LIFE OF AN IMAGINARY CHILD. T-Rex: I haven't ruined any lives! The kid has like a bazillion parents: think about his birthday! T-Rex (punchline): PRESENTS

UNSOLICITED time travel advice comics, more like

Narrator: TIME TRAVEL ADVICE COMICS T-Rex: If you ever find your consciousness - your self - sent back in time to the body of a much younger you, there are some changes to be expected! Remember: T-Rex: It can be frustrating to live out your life again! T-Rex: But - there is hope. Small changes compound into large ones, and soon you will be encountering situations you don't recall. T-Rex: If you're going to impress by making predictions about the immediate future, you should do so early on! They may become increasingly inaccurate. Utahraptor: It can also be difficult to convince people that you've travelled from the future! T-Rex: Quite so! T-Rex: This is why (if you've gone back in your own life far enough) using words and knowledge that are far beyond your means can help impress upon people the truth of your story. Utahraptor: Be careful, though! Overplay this, and you may become separated from your familiar world! T-Rex: Anyway! T-Rex (punchline): Enjoy being six!

if you make sure never to say the phrase 'crazy sexual', you can avoid these situations!

Narrator: IT WAS ALL A DREAM T-Rex: Phew, it was all a dream! T-Rex: The mission to find the treasure, the car chase: all a dream! T-Rex: My high school math teacher naked and smiling: all a dream! T-Rex: That bizarre thing with the Utahraptor that I don't want to talk about: all a dream! Utahraptor: Wait, what was this about me? T-Rex: It was nothing: just a crazy dream! T-Rex: You must have had crazy dreams before! Utahraptor: Yeah, but are we talking crazy insane or crazy sexual? T-Rex: Crazy sexual! T-Rex (punchline): I've said too much!

it would have been really good though

T-Rex: So a friend of mine got a cell phone! T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: I'm of the belief that some businessmen who are never in the office could use them, but that most people don't REALLY need one. Therefore, they are allowed to be teased by me! T-Rex: Ho ho! They are allowed to be teased by me whenever they use their phone, even if it's in an emergency! Utahraptor: But you didn't tease this person, right? T-Rex: Right! Utahraptor: Well, that's good. I think people with cell phones get teased enough. T-Rex: It was going to be really good, though! I was going to call really early. I would have said, "DO YOU LIKE YOUR CELL PHONE NOW??" T-Rex (punchline): "HELLO"

there should probably be a capital 'S' on 'stimulating' there

T-Rex: Alright! New novel: done! This one is a romance, and is called: T-Rex: "Pretzels In A Lady's Lap"! T-Rex: It's named after a particularly striking scene from the book! We’re at a party, and a young man accidentally spills pretzels, as he walks by, into the titular Lady’s lap! She looks up: eyes meet, bosoms - on both sides - heave, passions smoulder, and, perhaps... romance blossoms? Utahraptor: Hey, what’s so sensual about pretzels? T-Rex: Dude! Utahraptor: No, really! They’re dry and salty. T-Rex: I’ve always found them to be pretty sensual. Utahraptor: I’m pretty sure you’re the only one! T-Rex: Really? Huh! Nobody else finds pretzels stimulating? T-Rex (punchline): Well, this has been quite the anagnorisis (a moment of recognition or discovery)!

alternate, sadder ending: 'so! that's it, then?'

T-Rex: Time to go on a wacky adventure, which would be quite amazing to an imaginary third party with the ability to see my actions rendered as a continuous narrative! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Whew!! T-Rex: Kick ass! T-Rex: Well, that was pretty much the best adventure ever! Do you recall when we got trapped in that mine that was filling up with water very quickly? Dromiceiomimus: I do! And our escape...! T-Rex: Yes, it was quite amazing! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Congratulations on publishing a book of your story, T-Rex! T-Rex: Thanks! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Congratulations on your book becoming the entire world's Global Narrative and Shared History, T-Rex! T-Rex: It was unexpected but gratifying! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: So! T-Rex (punchline): What's left?

guys like t-rex, they had it made

T-Rex: I wonder, did growing up in a small town influence my values? T-Rex: Perhaps! T-Rex: Though, I think, not as much as I would have liked it to. Sometimes I feel like I cling to my small-town origins as a substitute for a real identity! Utahraptor: You’re suggesting that a small town provides a "ready made" identity? T-Rex: Yeah! T-Rex: You know, a certain touch of naïveté, a wonder at the accoutrements (subways, etc) of modern city living... Utahraptor: Well, we all tend to define ourselves with or against something: a home town seems as good a thing as any! T-Rex: [narrates] Years later, I would reflect on this exchange, and find in it so much of what I missed from that time. T-Rex: Ah, those were the days! T-Rex (punchline): [narrates] It made me feel certain that, had I an old La Salle at the time, it would have ran great.

man, throw in some suicides left and right, and you've got the ultimate serious improv scene! or something from degrassi

T-Rex: I can never let my father, whom I have a close relationship with, know my shameful secret! I never- T-Rex: *choke* T-Rex: I never meant to kill my best friend! T-Rex: It was my first time drinking, and I thought that I was good to drive! Dromiceiomimus: We tried to warn you! We, your other friends, tried to warn you that you had been drinking, but now our mutual friend is dead, BECAUSE OF YOU! We can't be friends anymore. T-Rex: *choke* Utahraptor: Hello, son! You look a little upset! Is there maybe something personal you want to tell me? T-Rex: No! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: I drank and drove tonight and I killed a man and last week I kinda date raped my date and I'm gay and I also am involved in a teen pregnancy! Utahraptor: Son, I- Utahraptor: I still love you! T-Rex: Oh, Dad! T-Rex (punchline): And... SCENE!

dude you SAID this wouldn't happen!

T-Rex: I wonder what the future holds! T-Rex: Hmmm... T-Rex: [starts daydreaming] [T-Rex's daydream] T-Rex: Whoo! Civilization's destroyed! T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] T-Rex: Whoah! T-Rex: That was like - a grim, dystopian vision! T-Rex: A vision... of TOMORROW! Utahraptor: You look troubled, my friend! T-Rex: That's because I am troubled! T-Rex: I just tried imagining what the future will be like, but what I saw was a world destroyed! And... I seemed excited about it! Utahraptor: T-Rex, it's just a daydream! Don't worry about it. T-Rex: Okay, but if civilization is destroyed, you and I will have words! Off panel: Fine! T-Rex: ANGRY words! T-Rex (punchline): I'm just sayin'!

that's - that's pretty popular

Narrator: T-REX IN: “SEX ADVICE” T-Rex: Woohoo! Sex advice! T-Rex: Our first letter comes from me! T-Rex: I write, “Dear T-Rex: I love your show! I have a question: sex? Huh? What’s the deal?” T-Rex: Wow! Thanks for your letter, "T"! T-Rex: To answer your question, I - Utahraptor: May I? T-Rex: May you what? Utahraptor: May I answer the question? T-Rex: Hey, it's MY sex advice show! Get your own! Utahraptor: You know what? Don't mind if I do! Narrator: SOON, UTAHRAPTOR'S SEX ADVICE SHOW IS THE MOST POPULAR THING EVER: T-Rex (punchline): Awww cinnamon!

you can read 'talking' as a verb, but that's not what i meant, so it'd be cool if you didn't do that

T-Rex: So! Generalizations! T-Rex: I don't understand them! T-Rex: For instance, after being bit by three tigers, I'd start to generalize that maybe I shouldn't poke tigers, because then they'll bite me. But if I happened to meet three jerky citizens of a town, the same process could make me conclude that everyone there is mean! Or worse: what if I started generalizing across races? I'd be a big ol' racist! Utahraptor: Well, there are valid and invalid generalizations, my friend! T-Rex: Yeah, that's true! T-Rex: But I guess what bothers me is that it seems you determine whether or not a generalization is valid by evaluating its conclusion, which in turn is based on your own prejudices! Utahraptor: Well - it's hard to remove the "human factor" from any evaluation like this. T-Rex: You mean the "dinosaur factor", of course! Off panel: Hah hah! Of course! T-Rex (punchline): We're talking dinosaurs!

i guess there is a lessen here for us all

T-Rex: Down with money! T-Rex: We don't need it! T-Rex: We can just return to our utopia of old, before money turned us all in to greedy, money-obsessed quasi-people! Right, Dromiceiomimus? Right! T-Rex: Money is an aberration that lessens us all! We don’t need it! Utahraptor: But without money, people would still trade! T-Rex: And...? Utahraptor: AND, currency is just an abstraction of trade: a unit of exchange! One unit of currency equals three goats, for example. Some form of money develops naturally from trade and is thus, I think, pretty much inevitable! T-Rex: I guess you could say your remarks are... RIGHT ON THE MONEY? T-Rex: Ho ho! Five stars! T-Rex (punchline): Also, I value our friendship.

actually i think that's a pretty good way to end conversations

Narrator: SOCIAL SKILLS COMICS T-Rex: Social skills are very important things to have! T-Rex: They are what allow us to get along with others, and are the foundation of society! T-Rex: With the invention of the "internet" and "email" and "instant messaging software", people are more social than ever - and this increased chance for communication leads to better social skills! Hooray! Utahraptor: Ah, but this electronic communication can take away from face-to-face interaction! T-Rex: Doesn't matter! Utahraptor: Actually, it does - because they're not the same thing! Online, if you don't like someone, you can ignore them easily and completely. But in real life, you have to talk to people you disagree with or dislike all the time! I'm worried the skills for dealing with such people will become ATROPHIED. Off panel: What do you- Off panel: T-Rex? T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Smile and wave and back away...

'britishmen' is definitely one word

T-Rex: Ah, do I ever love the broad stereotypes of cultures! T-Rex: Do I ever! T-Rex: They're like generalizations across races, only socially acceptable! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, did you know that Latin women are passionate and fiery? Dromiceiomimus: That is the stereotype! T-Rex: And Britishmen are cultured and maybe a little stuffy! Utahraptor: Well, what's the stereotype that applies to you, T-Rex? T-Rex: Oh, there isn't one! T-Rex: My people and I don't fit in your BOXES, man. Utahraptor: And you recognize the double standard here? T-Rex: Heck yes! I'm largely in favour of it! T-Rex: I say "largely" because I like to keep my options open. Anyway! T-Rex (punchline): Passionate Latin women?

this is pretty much my birthday present to myself!

T-Rex: Here I go, here I go, here I go again! Girls, what's my weakness? T-Rex: Men! T-Rex: Ok then, chillin', chillin', mindin' my business... Dromiceiomimus: Word! T-Rex: Yo, Salt, I looked around, and I couldn't believe this: I swear, I stared, my niece my witness! The brother had it goin' on with somethin' kinda... UH! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Ummm, you're packed and you're stacked, (specially in the back)! Utahraptor: Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that! T-Rex: Thanks, mom! Utahraptor: Can I get some fries with that shake-shake booty? If looks could kill, you would be an uzi! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: So what you wanna do? God: WHAT YOU WANNA DO T-Rex (punchline): Mmmm, I wanna shoop!

cause it feels a little sexist in here is all!

T-Rex: I had the strangest dream last night! There was this disease going around that made people really - violent, I guess? T-Rex: Anyway, it affected these two women who I guess lived at my house! T-Rex: It was really creepy, because these women would SEEM fine, but then they'd just keep trying to get close to me, no matter what I did. They wanted to kill me! Dromiceiomimus: Whoah! Sounds like somebody is afraid of women! T-Rex: No I'm not! It's just that dreams always sound really symbolic when they're described, that's all! Utahraptor: I don't know, sounds like you think women are a threat! T-Rex: I don't! T-Rex: It was a DREAM I had. Just cause I dreamed it doesn't mean I believe in it! Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, is it sexist in here, or is it JUST YOU? T-Rex: What? No! It's not sexist in here! T-Rex (punchline): It's not me!!

T-Rex: When is something uncool enough to be COOL again? Is there someone who decides one day that California Raisins shirts are back in vogue? God: HEY MAN DON'T LOOK AT ME T-Rex: Well I ju-- [panel floor breaks under T-Rex and he falls through it] Dromiceiomimus: ...T-Rex? [T-Rex landed on a flower field with some mountains in the distance, and roars in the direction of the sun, away from the viewer]

apparently we must not go into these things lightly

Narrator: MID-AFTERNOON: T-Rex: Whew! What a fantastic nap! T-Rex: It seems I just had a snooze... and didn't lose! T-Rex: Ho ho! Did you hear that, Dromiceiomimus? I had a snooze... and didn't lose! Dromiceiomimus: Yes! Very clever, T-Rex. T-Rex: Because normally people say "You snooze, you lose", but in my case I didn't lose anything! Utahraptor: But T-Rex, no matter what you do, you lose! Economics teaches us that there is an opportunity cost for every action. Utahraptor: And so by "snoozing", you are "losing" out on the chance to do anything you could have done - cure cancer, perhaps! T-Rex: That's stupid, and since when did we start personifying social sciences? T-Rex (punchline): My friend, I am simply asking the questions that need to be asked!

emotions? huh?

T-Rex: New theory: T-Rex: Emotions are for the weak! T-Rex: Wouldn't you agree, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: But I like emotions, T-Rex! I like feeling happy and content and loved! T-Rex: Okay, new theory: BAD emotions are for the weak! Utahraptor: But feeling depressed might encourage you to go out and improve yourself, so bad emotions are good too! T-Rex: Fine! T-Rex: New theory: Emotions? Utahraptor: That Utahraptor: That's not really a theory, T-Rex. Narrator: YEARS LATER, T-REX IS GIVEN THE CHANCE TO GO BACK IN TIME, AND CHOOSES NOT TO REVISIT THIS EXCHANGE! T-Rex (punchline): I've said my goodbyes!

'a volunteer-information serum? i don't see why not!'

Narrator: T-REX HAS INJECTED HIMSELF WITH TRUTH SERUM OF HIS OWN DESIGN: T-Rex: Indeedy! Now everything I say will be the truth! T-Rex: The path to enlightenment is truly through homemade drugs! T-Rex: Go ahead, Dromiceiomimus! Ask me anything! Dromiceiomimus: Okay, um... What's ten times two? T-Rex: Twenty. Oh my gosh; it works! Utahraptor: Oooh! Hey, I've got some questions! T-Rex: No way dude! T-Rex: I'm afraid you'll ask me some personal questions (of a sexual nature) that I don't want to answer! T-Rex: Wait, what the hell? This was supposed to be a truth serum, not a VOLUNTEER INFORMATION serum! Utahraptor: You're out of control! T-Rex: I've recently discovered the joys of sleeping naked, by the way! T-Rex (punchline): Don't listen to me!!

man, people are always kissing in fan fiction

T-Rex: I wrote some fan fiction last night! T-Rex: I know! Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, most fan fiction has characters from TV and movies acting implausibly in implausible situations, and also kissing each other! Does - does yours? T-Rex: Perhaps! There are many twists and turns and revelations in my exciting non-canon tale, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: So what show is it about? T-Rex: No show! T-Rex: It’s actually - surprise! - UTAHRAPTOR and DROMICEIOMIMUS fan fiction! Utahraptor: You didn't. T-Rex: Indeed I did, good sir! And may I just say, “smoochie smoochie”? Hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): (You kiss in my story!)

i do my best

T-Rex: Powerful images for the passage of time: T-Rex: A clock's hands, sweeping past 12! T-Rex: A sped-up landscape scene, with urban growth and decay happening in mere seconds! Dromiceiomimus: The Earth spinning in orbit! T-Rex: An old woman holding aged lace and gazing at a faded photograph of herself, as a young girl, posing in her prettiest dress! Utahraptor: Brightly coloured fall leaves, being gently covered in snow! T-Rex: Ooh, good one! T-Rex: I think my favourite was the old lady with the photograph of herself. Utahraptor: Yeah, but that image is complicated - it additionally includes both aging and menopausal issues! T-Rex: That's true. T-Rex: I certainly don't know much about menopause, though! Narrator (punchline): “Menopausal issues in comics”

what's the deal there, am i right?

T-Rex: Nice: I love you! T-Rex: Creepy: I love you so hard! T-Rex: Adding "hard" after phrases that don't normally have "hard" after them can give an interesting effect! I like it! T-Rex: Hard! Utahraptor: I've heard other people doing this before you, my friend! T-Rex: So? T-Rex: There's nothing wrong with appreciating the work of somebody else! Utahraptor: Oh no, no, that's true! I just thought you were implying it was your own linguistic invention. T-Rex: Ha ha! What a silly thing to say! T-Rex: Because that would be plagiarism, and plagiarism is wrong! Off panel: Yes! T-Rex: Now, to change the subject, isn't today election day somewhere? T-Rex (punchline): POLITICS, huh?

i'm not sure about his inductive premise, but hey

T-Rex: What is the meaning of life? By this I mean, how should I best live my life? Narrator: THE MEANING OF LIFE T-Rex: More concretely: what can I do NOW that is meaningful and justified and purposeful and not - pointlessly absurd? Dromiceiomimus: These are big questions, my friend! T-Rex: I know, Dromiceiomimus, I know! But I'm sick of that being used as an excuse. I am demanding BIG ANSWERS. There must be some way to arrive at a solution! Utahraptor: I don't know if there is, T-Rex! T-Rex: Well - I have an idea. T-Rex: Okay: so I don't know what the meaning of life is; fine. But, I do know that others MIGHT. So, inductively, the only thing I can do is try to make life easier for these other people, until such a time that they figure it out and let me know! Utahraptor: So you become a dentist? T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex (punchline): What?

you really have to read this in a clear, squeaky, little-kid quebecois voice

Narrator: CUTE COMICS IN FRENCH written for the now-abandoned project "COMICS FOR FRENCH KIDS" T-Rex: Allo bonjour! T-Rex: Moi, je suis un dinosaure! T-Rex: Je suis un dinosaure EXTRAORDINAIRE! Je suis grand et vert. T-Rex: J'aime des choses et d'autres choses! Utahraptor: Moi, je suis un loup-garou! T-Rex: Ah oui? Utahraptor: Oui, je suis un loup-garou! T-Rex: C'est quelque chose incroyable, ca! Utahraptor: Oui, je sais! T-Rex: Ne me mange pas, s'il vous plait! Utahraptor: D'accord, mon ami! D'accord! T-Rex: Ah, merci bien, monsieur! T-Rex (punchline): J'aime toi et des choses et d'autres choses!

don't need no credit card to ride this train

T-Rex: I'm sick and ornery! I just want to be left alone today, so give me my distance! T-Rex: With this in mind, I'm going for a walk! Dromiceiomimus: Haven't we gone over this before? Declaring yourself to be angry doesn't excuse personal responsibility, T-Rex! T-Rex: Forget it, Dromiceiomimus! I don't want to hear anyone's voice all up in my earhole! Utahraptor: Ewwwwww! Utahraptor: "All up in my earhole"? That's disgusting! "Earhole"! Utahraptor: Man! Utahraptor: Friendship annulled! You're gross! Narrator (punchline): "The Power of Language"

hey, my wallet's here!

T-Rex: Well, yesterday I seemed to annoy my friends with my choice of the oddly-obscene word “earhole”. T-Rex: Excuse me! T-Rex: Sheesh, I was just being myself! Dromiceiomimus: Well, we all prefer when you’re yourself, but also not a rude jerk. You can be both! T-Rex: But there’s a rude side to me too! It’s who I am! Utahraptor: And this is where, once again, social constraints come into play! T-Rex: So you’re implying that society serves a useful purpose, by encouraging me to be - nice? Polite? Utahraptor: Yep! If you don’t like it, go live on the moon! Narrator: LATER, ON THE MOON! T-Rex: HEY I HOPE YOU GUYS CAN HEAR ME BECAUSE I'M PERFECTLY HAPPY UP HERE! T-Rex (punchline): EAAAAARHOOOOOLE

'women in the mood to kiss' = cutest porn magazine title ever!

Narrator: T-REX IN: WORLD POLITICS T-Rex: Okay! T-Rex: So you've got lots of countries, right? Only, you can dismiss about 90% of these, since they don't really affect the agreed-upon "world scene". T-Rex: So then you've got this small collection of countries that make all the news! World politics is how these countries relate to one another, and, internally, to themselves. Utahraptor: That's good, but this definition seems a little unnecessary! T-Rex: How so? Utahraptor: Well, people know what politics are, and "world politicS" is just a straightforward application of the adjective. T-Rex: Man, you're nerding up the place! I don't need to hear this talk about "applying adjectives". T-Rex: To make up for THAT, I'm going to have to spend the rest of the day talking about women I've had opportunity to kiss! T-Rex (punchline): It's much more interesting than world politics was anyway. It's got women! Women in the mood to KISS!

ah, to be a child again

T-Rex: Ah, long-forgotten childhood friends! Narrator: LONG-FORGOTTEN CHILDHOOD FRIENDS COMICS T-Rex: I miss them! Sure, we were probably a little petty and - well, kids, but it feels like those friendships were somehow simpler... more pure! T-Rex: I wonder what all my old friends are up to now... I haven't seen most of them since grade five! Utahraptor: Well, you're in luck! I ran into one of the old neighbourhood kids today! T-Rex: You did?! Utahraptor: Yes! Remember that little red-scaled dinosaur you had the biggest crush on? T-Rex: Oh my goodness! The little red-scaled dinosaur? How is she? Utahraptor: Well, she's all grown up now! T-Rex: Oh, wow! Did she mention me at all? T-Rex (punchline): I used to hide in the bushes outside her house!

it was a pretty good chapter

T-Rex: Does "Betty put butter on the bread" mean the same thing as "Betty buttered the bread"? T-Rex: I would argue: no! T-Rex: In the second example, there is an implication that the bread is wholly buttered, while in the first, this is not necessarily the case! And this applies not just to butter: there are many other examples. For instance, “Gary wrote for many TV shows” leaves open the possibility of a co-author on the scripts, a possibility that “Gary wrote many TV shows” does not! Utahraptor: Wow! These small changes in semantics (the meaning of a word or phrase) are quite interesting! T-Rex: Yes! Utahraptor: But hard, too. T-Rex: Agreed. Narrator (punchline): Thanks to chapter three of Steven Pinker’s 1989 book "Learnability and Cognition", upon which most of this comic was based.

'hey guys, could anyone else go for some sweet human kissing right about now?'

T-Rex: Whoo! It's cool to be cool! T-Rex: And I'M the coolest! T-Rex: This guarantees me POPULARITY. Who would not like to hang out with someone who's the coolest? T-Rex: The answer is no-one! Utahraptor: Whoah! That's some unrestrained ego you've got going, my friend! T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: I'm experimenting with it. They say that women like a man with confidence, so I will be the most confident man ever! Utahraptor: But not all women are alike! I bet you some women like a man who is a pushover. T-Rex: Sucks for them! They won't get any of my SWEET DINOSAUR KISSING. Off panel (punchline): I find that digusting, yet can't articulate why!

yeah, they often sit around and discuss the nature of eroticism. also! this comic works around the fact that i realized i don't know what stereotypical male fantasy number two is. what is it, something about breasts? something about breasts, maybe

T-Rex: Guess who kissed two ladies at the same time yesterday? T-Rex: If you guessed "T-Rex", you are CORRECT! T-Rex: Woohoo! That's Stereotypical Male Fantasy Number 1 checked off! Now I can move on to Stereotypical Male Fantasy Number 2 at my earliest convenience! Dromiceiomimus: Congratulations my friend! I am supportive of your sexual proclivities. What's Stereotypical Male Fantasy Number 2? T-Rex: It's a secret! Women aren't allowed to know. Utahraptor: I'm a man, and I don't know what Stereotypical Male Fantasy Number 2 is either! T-Rex: Really? T-Rex: I'm surprised! You don't have any idea? Utahraptor: I bet it has something to do with women acting improbably! T-Rex: Well YEAH, but it's the specific nature of the improbable actions that matters! Remember? T-Rex: We had this big discussion after I showed you my "One day lots of people had sexy sex" erotic fiction? T-Rex (punchline): Remember?

in this timeline, i get to wear a suit!

Narrator: COMPRESSED FILM COMICS: "THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT" T-Rex: Time to fix all my relationship issues with my girlfriend, Kayleigh, by going back in time... T-Rex: ...using the power of my MIND! Narrator: SHORTLY: Off panel: Everything's fine, CEPT YOU GOT NO LEGS! T-Rex: Shit! Narrator: SOON: Dromiceiomimus: Everything's fine, except now Kayleigh's father has become a crazy pedophile! T-Rex: Huh? T-Rex: Oh well! I can fix THAT! Narrator: SOON: Utahraptor: Everything's fine, except now Kayleigh dropped out of school to become a prostitute! T-Rex: Sheesh! Narrator: SOON: Utahraptor: Okay, everything's fine, except you accidently killed Kayleigh's little brother Tommy! Whoops! T-Rex: Darn it! T-Rex: THIS time... Narrator: SOON: Off panel: Everything's fine, except now you totally never meet Kayleigh! T-Rex (punchline): That's okay!

alternate ending: everything is dust in a silent frozen universe

Narrator: CAUTIONARY TALE COMIX T-Rex: "This too shall pass!" T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: Isn't that right, Dromiceiomimus? Wealth and power and knowledge and love and friendship are all fleeting and pointless! Whoo! One day we will all be dead! Dromiceiomimus: You seem awfully cheerful about all this! T-Rex: That too shall pass! Utahraptor: Normally the saying is only applied to BAD things, T-Rex! T-Rex: It applies to all things! Utahraptor: Well, okay, but nobody wants to invite someone to a wedding whose toast is going to be "This too shall pass"! T-Rex: Man, I'm not trying to get invited to any weddings! Narrator: LATER: EVERYONE GETS INVITED TO A WEDDING EXCEPT T-REX. T-Rex: Ouch! T-Rex (punchline): For me!

buttery ryoma

T-Rex: Today I am talking about the made-up disease "ryoma", and there are many kinds of ryoma one can contract! T-Rex: Festering ryoma, for instance! T-Rex: Eww! T-Rex: Creeping ryoma. T-Rex: Salacious ryoma! T-Rex: MEPHITIC OCULAR RYOMA. Utahraptor: Aw man, these all sound disgusting! T-Rex: I know! It's amazing! T-Rex: Ryoma doesn't even exist, and yet it's the most disgusting disease ever. Utahraptor: Hah, it really is! "Uvular ryoma". T-Rex: "As we kissed, I could taste the ryoma on her lips." Utahraptor: Hah hah! Gross! Off panel: "When I woke this morning, my thighs were slick with ryoma"! T-Rex and off panel (punchline): Ewww!

this comic is dedicated to all the times we'd sit around and talk about just wastin' food

T-Rex: The manliest thing in the world? Easy! T-Rex: Wastin' food! T-Rex: Oh man, imagine a guy who orders a big steak dinner with all the fixings, and then when it's delivered, he just flips it onto the floor! T-Rex: That would be one tough dude! I would rate him, "Super Manly". Utahraptor: Okay, you've lost me: how is wasting food manly? T-Rex: It just is! T-Rex: It captures the ESSENCE of masculinity: doing stuff that we think is cool, even though there's many a good reason not to do it! Utahraptor: Like flipping plates of food onto the ground? T-Rex: Like friggin' draining a lake, filling it with Sloppy Joes, and then spraying the whole thing with pesticides! T-Rex: And piloting the crop duster PERSONALLY. I tell you, wasting food: the manliest thing in the world! T-Rex (punchline): That and punchin' stuff!

too bad we'll all be dead :(

T-Rex: I wonder: are we actually making progress? T-Rex: (Where "we" refers to the general population, of course!) Dromiceiomimus: How do you mean, T-Rex? T-Rex: Well - what about philosophy, for instance? We've had thousands of years to think about what it means to be alive, yet we're still no closer to an answer! Where's the progress when we're still grappling with the same questions as the ancients? Utahraptor: You assume that there exists an answer to such cosmic questions! T-Rex: I do! Utahraptor: What about the whole idea of "the only questions worth asking are those that can't be answered"? T-Rex: Self-justification from philosophers who can't reach a conclusion, my friend! I want ANSWERS, not debate! I want a one sentence SUMMARY of LIFE. Off panel: Something like, "too bad we'll all be dead"? T-Rex: Yeah, only catchier and more informative! T-Rex (punchline): And less depressing!

did you know a 'goad' is a pointy stick? neither did i, but it makes sense.

T-Rex: I hope I never get BURIED ALIVE! T-Rex: Yep, that sure would suck! T-Rex: Boy, would I ever hate to be buried alive. T-Rex: I can't think of anything I'd dislike more! T-Rex: I mean - damn! Buried alive! Utahraptor: Why are you talking like that? T-Rex: Like what? Utahraptor: Like you're trying to lead someone on, goading them into burying you alive. T-Rex: Whoah, is that what I sound like? Oh my gosh! T-Rex: I don't want to get buried alive at ALL! T-Rex: I thought stressing that fact would make it clear, but apparently NOT. I drop the subject now! T-Rex: But don't forget! T-Rex (punchline): No burying T-Rex alive!

also! what is for dinner tonight?

T-Rex: So, I'm not really comfortable with the fact that my mind is actually something physical. T-Rex: It implies that everything I am, everything I think, can be altered! T-Rex: It's scary! Some people who suffer brain damage can have their entire personality rewritten. Heck, add some chemicals and you can alter how and what a person thinks! T-Rex: That's crazy! T-Rex: Crazy! Utahraptor: And this freaks you out? T-Rex: It really does. T-Rex: You know what freaks me out the most, though? It's those remote-control cyborg cockroaches they've made by pretty much taking over the animal's nervous system. I can just imagine the insect endlessly screaming in its mind as its own body is made alien. Utahraptor: Oh my God! T-Rex (punchline): Anyway, that was sort of tangential! Getting back to the subject: isn't it CRAZY that our minds are something physical?

i think this is the first time the sentence 'my friend, thigh fives are a ridiculous way of expressing enthusiasm' has ever been written down

T-Rex: What a good mood I am in today! T-Rex: I declare: high fives all around! T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus! Give me a thigh five! Dromiceiomimus: A what? T-Rex: What? Whoah, I meant to say "A high five", of course! T-Rex: Oh man. What an embarrassing slip of the tongue! I have to go now! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: What the heck? A thigh five? Where did that even come from? Utahraptor: What's going on? T-Rex: Oh, hey Utahraptor. DID YOU KNOW that I just accidently asked the Dromiceiomimus to give me a thigh five? Utahraptor: Hah hah! I did NOT! What would that be, anyway? You both on your backs, slappin your legs together in the air? T-Rex: My friend, thigh fives are a ridiculous way of expressing enthusiasm. I am aware of this! T-Rex (punchline): This is not the issue here!

i admit: panel five actually based on a true story

T-Rex: I hope I don't run into the Dromiceiomimus today! She probably thinks I'm crazy since I asked for a "thigh five" the last time we met. T-Rex: Oh shoot, there she is! Time to go INCOGNITO! Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex, what's up? Out for a walk, I see? T-Rex: T-Rex? Who es T-Rex? I am a different, um, Tyrannosaurus Rex. Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah, really? You're not the T-Rex who demands thigh fives from his friends? T-Rex: Darn it! T-Rex: She remembers! I'll never live this down! Utahraptor: What are you so concerned about? Utahraptor: It was just a wacky slip of the tongue! It's funny - this one time in high school, a friend of mine meant to type "I raised my HAND to block the sun" but instead wrote "hind", and since he wasn't the slimmest guy... oh man! Utahraptor: Good times, good times! God: OH MAN I FORGOT ABOUT THAT ONE T-Rex: People laugh at typos in heaven?! God (punchline): SOMETIMES WE DO

a lesson was learned but the damage was irreversible

T-Rex: I've come to accept that I will be able to live down anything I do, given enough time! T-Rex: So: no worries! Dromiceiomimus: That's a healthy attitude, T-Rex! It'll let you explore things you otherwise might not, because you won't be worried about what others think! T-Rex: Exactly! I am a well-adjusted dinosaur. Utahraptor: Wait, let me talk to you before you go too far with this! T-Rex: Sure! What's up? Utahraptor: Well - it's just, you tend to take ideas to comedic extremes. So I just wanted to make sure you remember that you shouldn't dismiss the opinions of others entirely! T-Rex: Of course! "Social Constraints Serve A Useful Purpose"! T-Rex (punchline): I remember from the trial!

'burnsauce' may be new slang, but i feel confident it will catch on because i like it

T-Rex: I just discovered that I can get digital prints for only 29 cents! Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS PRESENTS: Narrator: 29 CENT PRINT COMICS T-Rex: Did you know that you can now get digital prints for only 29 cents? This will change the world! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, that service has been available for a while now. T-Rex: B-B-But... T-Rex: 29 cent prints! T-Rex: Hey there Utahraptor! Have I ever told you that you're a prints among men? Utahraptor: You have not! Utahraptor: And let me just say: thanks, T-Rex! T-Rex: A 29 cents prints, that is! Off panel: That doesn't even make sense! T-Rex: Still! T-Rex (punchline): Burnsauce!!

whenever t-rex sees a phone off the hook he's all that's SO CRAZY

T-Rex: The craziest thing happened to me yesterday! T-Rex: It was the CRAZIEST! T-Rex: It was so crazy, I don't feel comfortable talking about it. Dromiceiomimus: And yet, you're talking about talking about it, so do you want me to ask what the crazy thing was? T-Rex: No thank you! It was too CRAZY. Utahraptor: You know what? I bet it wasn't even very crazy! Utahraptor: Was it very crazy? T-Rex: My friend, it was so crazy it was OFF the HOOK. Utahraptor: That's pretty crazy! T-Rex: I know! T-Rex (punchline): As I say, it's analogous to leaving one's phone off the hook.

aww.

T-Rex: Hmm... T-Rex: Yep, it’s certain! I can find NO DOWNSIDES with being immortal. Dromiceiomimus: What about a world-weariness that can only come from watching everyone you know and love age and die while you remain stuck in a perpetual youth? T-Rex: That’s okay! Come on: living forever? I could do anything! I could do EVERYTHING - twice! Utahraptor: But what if there’s no food, and you’re hellishly starving for an eternity? T-Rex: Could that happen?! Utahraptor: Well, I don’t see why not. T-Rex: But then, where would I be getting my energy from? T-Rex: Hmm... I guess the idea of immortality DOES clash with the scientific principles of conservation of energy. T-Rex: And so, once again, I am forced to reject a fantasy because it is based on bad science! T-Rex (punchline): (Science means that not all dreams can come true!)

nostalgic high fives all around! also: i think i really missed an opportunity when i didn't name this series 't-rex and his dinosaur friends'.

Narrator: T-REX AND HIS DINOSAUR FRIENDS IN: Narrator: "OLD PHOTOGRAPHS" T-Rex: You know those early photographs? The silent, gloomy, sepia-toned ones? T-Rex: They're SO sad! T-Rex: What gets me every time is the faces of people I’ll never meet, people long dead, trying not to move as they stare into that early camera lens... but what ESPECIALLY always gets me are the faces of the people who did move. This was for some the only time their face would be recorded, and they happened to shift. T-Rex: That's sad! That's profoundly sad! Utahraptor: Is it because those blurred faces remind you that no matter what, the past can never be completely known? T-Rex: Kind of! But I think what affects me the most is the idea of someone coming that close to achieving at least a type of immortality, and then losing it to something as natural and ordinary as glancing away. Utahraptor: Early photography does have its own sense of sad nostalgia, doesn't it? T-Rex: It does indeed! It makes me want to go home and sit, alone and sober, in a darkened room. T-Rex (punchline): Whoooo!

i'm not even fooling. i take them very seriously.

T-Rex: Man, I've always wanted to travel to the future! T-Rex: Always! T-Rex: It would be SO COOL to see how things work out. Wouldn't you agree, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I guess! T-Rex: Also, I'd take back future technology with me and claim it as my own invention. Utahraptor: You can't do that, T-Rex! T-Rex: Says you! Utahraptor: Says LOGIC. Think about it: if you did that, then where did the idea for the invention come from? You didn't have it, and now the future inventor won't have it either... T-Rex: A paradox! Utahraptor: Yes! T-Rex (punchline): There's nothing funny about paradoxes.

this one goes out to all my early-sleepin' homies

T-Rex: Tonight I am going to bed early. T-Rex: Sweetness! T-Rex: More sleep for me! T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus, what time are you going to bed tonight? Dromiceiomimus: Well, I don't know... I guess around eleve- T-Rex: Cause I'm going to bed early tonight! T-Rex: Me! Early! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Word has it you're bragging about going to bed early? T-Rex: Word has it right! Utahraptor: But why? Usually people brag about awesome things, not lame-o things like going to bed early. T-Rex: What are you talking about? It's cool to get a good night's sleep! Narrator: YEARS LATER: T-Rex: what? T-Rex (punchline): It's cool to get a good night's sleep!

i couldn't believe the name 'teen magazeen' wasn't already taken

T-Rex: Hmm... T-Rex: [starts daydreaming] Magazine cover: Time Magazine cover: Person of the Year Magazine cover: T-Rex takes it up a notch T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex: Maybe I should just accept that I'll never be on the cover of a magazine! Utahraptor: Why would you ever want to be on the cover of a magazine? T-Rex: Because it means you're famous! Utahraptor: Well, if that's your idea of fame, why not just publish your own magazine and put your face on the cover? T-Rex: Hey! Yeah! I'll make my own magazine! AND it'll be my magazine for TEENS! Utahraptor: Aw, no, no! Not that teen magazine idea again! [magazine cover with hot pink sans-serif text] Magazine cover: teen magazine by t-rex Magazine cover: “friends with benefits”: pretty hot Magazine cover: are you fully aware of sex? maybe not? Magazine cover: special feature: stories where people lose their pants and are thus embarrassed Magazine cover (punchline): PLUS: understanding europe

when i go home for christmas i anticipate many conversations along these lines with my father

T-Rex: Imagine if Santa Claus worked at a newspaper? T-Rex: "Ho-ho-hold the front page!" he'd say! T-Rex: Hee hee! T-Rex: Or if he worked on a boat: "Ho-ho-hoist that mainsail, lads!" T-Rex: Or if he worked as a chipmunk, he'd say "I'm going to ho-ho-hoard all these nuts!" T-Rex: I bet he would! Utahraptor: "If he worked as a chipmunk"?! Your wit seems a bit off today, my friend! T-Rex: Ho-ho-hold up? T-Rex: Ahem. My wit is CHRISTMAS THEMED. Utahraptor: That doesn't make it good though! Lots of Christmas themed stuff is REALLY BAD. T-Rex: You may be right! However: I still think my wit is stellar! T-Rex: Come on, tell me that if Santa Claus worked as a chipmunk, he wouldn't talk about ho-ho-hoarding nuts! Off panel: That's not a job! T-Rex (punchline): It's a calling, I know; answer the question!

from now on, any time there is a spelling or grammar mistake in this comic: subtle irony

T-Rex: Argh! People on the internet: T-Rex: So dumb! T-Rex: I can't take it any more, Dromiceiomimus! Everyone is off posting their dumb theories based off incorrect facts, and nobody even recognizes subtlety! So many people are so lame! Dromiceiomimus: Is there such a thing as an incorrect fact? Doesn't being a fact imply correctness? T-Rex: Aaah! That's not the point! RAGE! Utahraptor: So why are you raging here against people on the internet? Why not post a scathing reply online? T-Rex: Argh! T-Rex: I have too much rage! All these people are writing dumb things with incorrect spelling and grammar, and when you correct them, they just get angrier! Its really annoying! Utahraptor: Aha! You just used the wrong "its" there, my friend! T-Rex: IT WAS SUBTLE IRONY. Sheesh, everyone! Subtlety! T-Rex: Also! T-Rex (punchline): Noticing such things in spoken language is impossible!

they should probably get married, right away!

T-Rex: Hooray for Christmas! T-Rex: Hooray!! T-Rex: Hooray for getting Christmas cards! Dromiceiomimus: Hooray!! T-Rex: Hooray for getting Christmas cards with no return address signed with names you don't recognize! Utahraptor: Wait - I take it this happened to you recently? T-Rex: Sure did, Skip! Utahraptor: Well, it looks like we've got a Christmas Mystery on our hands! T-Rex: And that's one mystery I'd prefer to leave unsolved! I'm really enjoying this feeling of mysterious popularity. T-Rex: Who could it be? Who have I forgotten?? MAYBE it's a pretty lady who wants to kiss me sometime! T-Rex: Oh man! T-Rex (punchline): Hooray for potential Christmas smooching, my friend!

i once brought a regular salad to a party and claimed it was 'motown style'

T-Rex: Time to do it up... T-Rex: Québec style! T-Rex: Time to wrap up some presents for all my friends... T-Rex: Québec style! T-Rex: Time to STOMP ON THIS HOUSE - Québec style! Utahraptor: Alright, I'll bite: what's "Québec style"? T-Rex: It's new and exciting! T-Rex: I invented it because it sounds, as I say, exciting and full of promise! "Let's go see a movie, Québec style!" Oh, wow! What does it mean? What's so different? I don't know, but I'm excited to find out! Utahraptor: I'm not! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hey guys, I brought a nice salad - Québec style! Off panel (punchline): Oooh!

CHRISTMAS MORNING: Oh boy! Plastic bags with my name on them!!

Narrator: T-REX IN: "WRAPPING PRESENTS IN THE PLASTIC BAGS THEY CAME IN" T-Rex: There's nothing wrong with that! T-Rex: It saves the environment by using less paper! Dromiceiomimus: But where's the magic? Where's the love and care that is shown in a well-wrapped present? T-Rex: Replaced! Replaced with a healthy respect for the ENVIRONMENT. T-Rex: Plus it was cheaper! Utahraptor: Wrapping gifts can be a complicated issue! T-Rex: Not really! Utahraptor: Sure it is! Do you stay traditional and wrap presents nicely, in fancy paper - this can carry a lot of meaning - or try a more modern, environmentally-sensitive approach? T-Rex: Like wrapping them in the plastic bags they came in! Utahraptor: Or maybe something just a LITTLE bit classier. Narrator: YEARS LATER, THE PRESENTS ARE GONE, BUT THE PLASTIC BAGS HAVE YET TO BIODEGRADE! T-Rex (punchline): Just like my memories!

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: T-REX IS SAD

T-Rex: Seeing all my old friends and family over the holidays has been fun. Good times! T-Rex: But, it has also been SAD. T-Rex: We've all changed! It makes me nostaligic for how things were before, just a year or two ago. Not because things were better, but because they were different! I always feel like I missed some opportunity, like I could have done something then that I can't do now. Utahraptor: It's over now! T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: But I feel like everyone - all of us - could have done so much then, if only we hadn't spent so many nights at home watching a movie, or sitting in front of a computer! Utahraptor: "Live every day to the fullest"? T-Rex (punchline): My life reduced to cliché!

here in dinosaur land we use the correct quotation, and not the folk version!

T-Rex: Bah! Nostalgia! T-Rex: What use does it serve? T-Rex: All it does is make us want things that we can't have, and can't even work towards having. Forget it! It's WASTED TIME. T-Rex: From now on, I will not spend time remembering the past, nor will I be sad when circumstances change! From now on, I am all about TOMORROW. Utahraptor: Are you sure that's a good attitude, T-Rex? Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to fulfill it! T-Rex: And those who cannot remember to attribute their quotations are condemned to commit academic offences! Utahraptor: It's common knowledge who said it! Sheesh! GEORGE SANTAYANA. Narrator: HELPFUL ONE-PANEL SUMMARY: T-Rex: Nostalgia can make you sad! Off panel (punchline): Attribute carefully!

let's just say it was a crazy couple of weeks and leave it at that

T-Rex: Man, you'll never find me on a mountaineering expedition or on a voyage to find the Northwest Passage. No thanks! T-Rex: Do people not realize what's bound to happen? T-Rex: As I see it, you're pretty much asking to be put in a situation wherein the food runs out, people betray one another, frozen corpses of friends are found in the morning, and eventually everyone resorts to cannibalism. T-Rex: Well, you won't fool me! I know the stereotypes! Utahraptor: But not all arctic exploration ends in cannibalism, T-Rex! T-Rex: Says you! Utahraptor: You're just thinking of one or two famous instances! The problem is that nobody ever remembers the times when the food DOESN'T run out, the times when nobody ends up getting munched on. T-Rex: I can't help it if no cannibalism is less memorable than tons of cannibalism! Narrator: AN IDEA WHICH LEADS TO DISASTER TWO WEEKS LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Wait! Or can I?

where is my hugo award, please

Narrator: A FAILED EXPERIMENT HAS CAUSED TIME TO BECOME UNGLUED! T-Rex: Oh no! Narrator: EFFECT PRECEDES CAUSE! T-Rex: It's a disaster! Narrator: CAN NOTHING BE DONE TO RESTORE THE NATURAL ORDER? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, this is no time to begin stomping on houses! T-Rex: What? I already stomped on it like five seconds ag- T-Rex: OH MY GOODNESS Narrator: IS THE WORLD DOOMED? Utahraptor: T-Rex! I have a desperate plan to save us all! T-Rex: Hooray! Narrator: OUR LAST, BEST HOPE: Utahraptor: All we have to do is re-run the temporal experiment BACKWARDS, thereby forcing time back into its usual lattice inversion structure! T-Rex: That sounds just scientific enough to work! Narrator: BUT THAT MAKES THINGS WORSE THAN EVER! EVERYBODY IS GOING TO BECOME A BABY OR SOMETHING! T-Rex: Let my last words be an invective against the words "blog" and "blogosphere"! T-Rex (punchline): I have lived as few men dared dream!

auxiliary verbs are still allowed, i guess

T-Rex: Man, forget verbs! T-Rex: You heard me! T-Rex: From now on, I am all about other, less complex parts of speech. Verbs don't understand me! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe you don't understand verbs? T-Rex: Maybe ADJECTIVES wouldn't force us to have such conversations! Utahraptor: Okay T-Rex, I'm not sure what's going on here, but without verbs we cannot run or play or smile or even be! T-Rex: True! But, we can awesome! T-Rex: And we can sexy! Utahraptor: We can certainly sexy, that's true! T-Rex: [large] ! T-Rex: "We can sexy" is totally going to be my epitaph! T-Rex (punchline): For reals!