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nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maslow was a dude who put all of our needs and desires into a hierarchy! The whole idea was that you can't satisfy any desire at the top of the hierarchy until you satisfy those beneath it. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nice going, Maslow! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] At the top is SELF ACTUALIZATION, which sounds pretty great, right? Except you can't get there unless you've already satisfied the level beneath it, which is esteem. And you don't get esteem - both self and from others - without relationships, and you don't worry about friggin' relationships until your basic safety needs are met. And finally, you don't worry about basic safety if you need to poop! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "You don't worry about basic safety if you need to poop." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maslow said it, not me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, he said the gist of it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] He did, did he? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, no, but he DID come up with the theoretical framework that allows a phrase such as mine to be reasonably constructed in a meaningful context. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Don't look at me like that, Utahraptor! If my life's work is only used by some guy decades down the line to crack wise about poopin', I'll count myself as one lucky dude with one awesome legacy. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know, right? Sometimes I worry I like George |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maslow was a dude who put all of our needs and desires into a hierarchy! The whole idea was that you can't satisfy any desire at the top of the hierarchy until you satisfy those beneath it. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nice going, Maslow! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] At the top is SELF ACTUALIZATION, which sounds pretty great, right? Except you can't get there unless you've already satisfied the level beneath it, which is esteem. And you don't get esteem - both self and from others - without relationships, and you don't worry about friggin' relationships until your basic safety needs are met. And finally, you don't worry about basic safety if you need to poop! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "You don't worry about basic safety if you need to poop." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maslow said it, not me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, he said the gist of it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] He did, did he? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, no, but he DID come up with the theoretical framework that allows a phrase such as mine to be reasonably constructed in a meaningful context. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Don't look at me like that, Utahraptor! If my life's work is only used by some guy decades down the line to crack wise about poopin', I'll count myself as one lucky dude with one awesome legacy. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I set 'em up, future generations knock 'em down! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Attention everyone! I have some terrible news! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It turns out that we never get good at splitting the bill! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aw man, seriously?! We never get that one figured out? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I ate dinner with a group of 40-YEAR-OLDS over the weekend. And guess which table was over A THIRD short on the bill? OH HEY, IT WAS OUR TABLE! [SPEAKER] T-REX AND DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Maaaaaaaaan [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I always thought we'd eventually figure that out! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! ME TOO. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But apparently adding up the cost of your items while also including tax and tip remains and UNKNOWABLE DARK MAGICK even at 40. I'm dining tonight to see if it ever gets any better. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Good luck! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Thanks! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE NEXT DAY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, the 80-year-olds paid the bill perfectly! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [[FROM OUTSIDE THE PANEL]] [LINE] Holy crap! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! AND they get to be referred to by the mass noun "elderlies"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know, life's funny, Utahraptor. I woke up this morning |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Attention everyone! I have some terrible news! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It turns out that we never get good at splitting the bill! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aw man, seriously?! We never get that one figured out? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I ate dinner with a group of 40-YEAR-OLDS over the weekend. And guess which table was over A THIRD short on the bill? OH HEY, IT WAS OUR TABLE! [SPEAKER] T-REX AND DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Maaaaaaaaan [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I always thought we'd eventually figure that out! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! ME TOO. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But apparently adding up the cost of your items while also including tax and tip remains and UNKNOWABLE DARK MAGICK even at 40. I'm dining tonight to see if it ever gets any better. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Good luck! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Thanks! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE NEXT DAY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, the 80-year-olds paid the bill perfectly! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [[FROM OUTSIDE THE PANEL]] [LINE] Holy crap! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! AND they get to be referred to by the mass noun "elderlies"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TOTALLY looking forward to being an old guy over here! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is the day, my friends! Yes! FINALLY. Today is the day! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is the day we mess with people who have tattoos! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, did you hear that if you have a bird tattoo, it means that you're big into hugs? Giving, receiving, watching, it's all good to you! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Really! Why the bird? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It stands for "I will flip the bird RIGHT NOW to anyone who doesn't like hugs; I'm not even joking." [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Interesting! And also true! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I heard that tattoos with the letter "h" in them... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Yes? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, I heard that an "h" in any tattoo is short for "Hey, Ask Me About My Sexual History", and a second "h" on the body is short for "Hey, Some Of It Is Personal Though, Okay?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And a third "h"? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Hooray for the Huxtables." [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] NOTE FOR FUTURE PEOPLE WHO COME ACROSS THIS COMIC: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The Huxtables were a family on a TV show. TV is what we had before we got video in our brains! And everyone who read this comic when it first came out was really great, even if we're all dead now. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] - apparently unable to |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is the day, my friends! Yes! FINALLY. Today is the day! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is the day we mess with people who have tattoos! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, did you hear that if you have a bird tattoo, it means that you're big into hugs? Giving, receiving, watching, it's all good to you! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Really! Why the bird? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It stands for "I will flip the bird RIGHT NOW to anyone who doesn't like hugs; I'm not even joking." [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Interesting! And also true! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I heard that tattoos with the letter "h" in them... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Yes? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, I heard that an "h" in any tattoo is short for "Hey, Ask Me About My Sexual History", and a second "h" on the body is short for "Hey, Some Of It Is Personal Though, Okay?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And a third "h"? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Hooray for the Huxtables." [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] NOTE FOR FUTURE PEOPLE WHO COME ACROSS THIS COMIC: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The Huxtables were a family on a TV show. TV is what we had before we got video in our brains! And everyone who read this comic when it first came out was really great, even if we're all dead now. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...What's the future like? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe there IS actually a personal benefit to being mortal and dying one day. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know, IT SOUNDS CRAZY, but stay with me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We mortal people get an end to pain that immortal dudes never get. Unlike immortal dudes, there's a finite number of times I'm going to stub my toe so hard that it breaks. One time I'll stub my toe and it'll break and I'll be able to say, "There, that's done with. I'm never stubbing my toe THAT friggin' hard again. I can finally put this TOTALLY RIDICULOUS aspect of being alive behind me." - even if I could never know it at the time! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] One time when you say it, you'll have to be right! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So now when something bad happens, I'll assume I'll die soon, so it's the last time it'll ever happen to me. I'll be able to sigh and just let it go. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "That's the last time I'm puking into my crotch"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! I'm not stubbing THESE toes any more! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FRIG I STUBBED MY TOES AGAIN! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHAT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] IS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] DEAL [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WITH [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I expected nothing less than |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe there IS actually a personal benefit to being mortal and dying one day. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know, IT SOUNDS CRAZY, but stay with me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We mortal people get an end to pain that immortal dudes never get. Unlike immortal dudes, there's a finite number of times I'm going to stub my toe so hard that it breaks. One time I'll stub my toe and it'll break and I'll be able to say, "There, that's done with. I'm never stubbing my toe THAT friggin' hard again. I can finally put this TOTALLY RIDICULOUS aspect of being alive behind me." - even if I could never know it at the time! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] One time when you say it, you'll have to be right! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So now when something bad happens, I'll assume I'll die soon, so it's the last time it'll ever happen to me. I'll be able to sigh and just let it go. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "That's the last time I'm puking into my crotch"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! I'm not stubbing THESE toes any more! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FRIG I STUBBED MY TOES AGAIN! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHAT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] IS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] DEAL [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WITH [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] STUBBED TOES THAT HURT REALLY BAD |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am a man who doesn't know a lot of basic things about himself. I barely know what colour my eyes are! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] O- Orange? Deep saffron? GAMBOGE? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But there's tons of other stuff I've never bothered to memorize too! What's my blood type? Social insurance number? Hat Size? The thing is, Dromiceiomimus, responding "Yes please" on a questionnaire only works for SOME of these questions. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So memorize them, T-Rex! You're an adult now. Your hat size isn't going to change. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? She's right! I should memorize these things. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I agree! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I can see not knowing them as a child, but if you're going to be an adult, you need to know at least some of this stuff. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I'm going to be an adult, Utahraptor! I'm going to memorize ALL SORTS of useful facts about my body! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: T-REX HAS FAILED TO MEMORIZE ANY NEW FACTS ABOUT HIMSELF [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whatever, dudes!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Uh - ok, I'm a T-Rex, but, uh, all |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am a man who doesn't know a lot of basic things about himself. I barely know what colour my eyes are! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] O- Orange? Deep saffron? GAMBOGE? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But there's tons of other stuff I've never bothered to memorize too! What's my blood type? Social insurance number? Hat Size? The thing is, Dromiceiomimus, responding "Yes please" on a questionnaire only works for SOME of these questions. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So memorize them, T-Rex! You're an adult now. Your hat size isn't going to change. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? She's right! I should memorize these things. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I agree! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I can see not knowing them as a child, but if you're going to be an adult, you need to know at least some of this stuff. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I'm going to be an adult, Utahraptor! I'm going to memorize ALL SORTS of useful facts about my body! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: T-REX HAS FAILED TO MEMORIZE ANY NEW FACTS ABOUT HIMSELF [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whatever, dudes!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I decided I wanted life to have some mystery. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Mylings are Scandinavian ghosts! They're way better than regular ghosts, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They're the ghosts of cheezed-off kids! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They're cheezed-off ghost kids who just want to be buried properly. And if you encounter one, it hops on your back and demands to be taken to the nearest graveyard. And as you approach the graveyard they grow heavier and heavier, until they're so heavy that you can sink into the ground under their weight. And if that happens then they kill you in a rage and try again with the next guy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AWESOME. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What's awesome? It's awesome to be dead? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, who knows?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But what IS awesome is the idea of a ghost who just wants to be buried, but who, despite this one consuming desire, also can't resist pulling the old "increasing mass piggyback ride" prank. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I get the sense you empathize with these ghosts a lot. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man, I totally do! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I could increase my mass, you can bet I'd be going for gag piggyback rides ALL THE TIME! As it stands though, all I can do is eat fruit from passing trees DURING the ride. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I see. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now, I know that can't be |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Mylings are Scandinavian ghosts! They're way better than regular ghosts, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They're the ghosts of cheezed-off kids! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They're cheezed-off ghost kids who just want to be buried properly. And if you encounter one, it hops on your back and demands to be taken to the nearest graveyard. And as you approach the graveyard they grow heavier and heavier, until they're so heavy that you can sink into the ground under their weight. And if that happens then they kill you in a rage and try again with the next guy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AWESOME. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What's awesome? It's awesome to be dead? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, who knows?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But what IS awesome is the idea of a ghost who just wants to be buried, but who, despite this one consuming desire, also can't resist pulling the old "increasing mass piggyback ride" prank. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I get the sense you empathize with these ghosts a lot. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man, I totally do! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I could increase my mass, you can bet I'd be going for gag piggyback rides ALL THE TIME! As it stands though, all I can do is eat fruit from passing trees DURING the ride. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I see. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, it definitely takes too long |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm totally going to fake my own death today. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone, don't tell anyone!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've got it all set up. My diary today says "I think SOMEONE's gonna murder me today!" and I've made YouTube comments that say "pretty sure someone wants to murder me >:|" and there won't be a body in my house, just a note that says "MAN I guess I got murdered, huh?". [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Those sound like pretty suspicious circumstances, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The only thing suspicious is how APPARENTLY perfect my murder is! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And that's still suspicious! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Listen, you want to fake your death, you've got to do it right, with none of this way-too-obvious note stuff. Let's stop joking around here and get down to business. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I - okay? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Good. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] We're doing this, man. We're making this happen. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whenever you feel angry and think maybe you shouldn't be |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm totally going to fake my own death today. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone, don't tell anyone!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've got it all set up. My diary today says "I think SOMEONE's gonna murder me today!" and I've made YouTube comments that say "pretty sure someone wants to murder me >:|" and there won't be a body in my house, just a note that says "MAN I guess I got murdered, huh?". [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Those sound like pretty suspicious circumstances, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The only thing suspicious is how APPARENTLY perfect my murder is! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And that's still suspicious! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Listen, you want to fake your death, you've got to do it right, with none of this way-too-obvious note stuff. Let's stop joking around here and get down to business. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I - okay? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Good. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] We're doing this, man. We're making this happen. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, what if I just paid my late fees instead |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] David Hilbert was a mathematician and hotelier who was born in 1892. He built an infinite hotel, you guys! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE INFINITE HOTEL [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A TRUE STORY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So Hilbert built this infinite hotel that was infinitely big and had infinitely many rooms; I believe this was a matter of some investment. But build it he did, and soon after a bus with infinity people in it showed up, with each of them wanting a room! Lucky for Hilbert he had his infinite hotel, so each guest got a room, and the hotel was filled up to capacity. Nice! But just then another friggin' bus showed up, and it ALSO had infinity people in it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Nobody builds for TWO infinite buses showing up right after the other! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Turns out they do! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He just told every guest already there to move into the room that was double their current room number. So the guest in room 3 moved into room 6, and so on! Thus, only the even-numbered rooms were occupied, and everyone on the new bus could have an odd-numbered room! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Amazing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! Anyway! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Men love a woman who remembers his birthday. Try remembering your man's birthday, |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] David Hilbert was a mathematician and hotelier who was born in 1892. He built an infinite hotel, you guys! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE INFINITE HOTEL [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A TRUE STORY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So Hilbert built this infinite hotel that was infinitely big and had infinitely many rooms; I believe this was a matter of some investment. But build it he did, and soon after a bus with infinity people in it showed up, with each of them wanting a room! Lucky for Hilbert he had his infinite hotel, so each guest got a room, and the hotel was filled up to capacity. Nice! But just then another friggin' bus showed up, and it ALSO had infinity people in it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Nobody builds for TWO infinite buses showing up right after the other! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Turns out they do! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He just told every guest already there to move into the room that was double their current room number. So the guest in room 3 moved into room 6, and so on! Thus, only the even-numbered rooms were occupied, and everyone on the new bus could have an odd-numbered room! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Amazing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! Anyway! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's my understanding that he died an infinitely rich man infinity years later |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some folks got opinions, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some folks got opinions on what their genitals should be called, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BY WAY OF AN EXAMPLE, "vagina" comes from Latin, where it means "sheath" - as in something that goes around a sword! And some people are like, check it, MY vagina does tons more than the passive "sheath" implies, so let's call it something else! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] "Check it"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's what some people are like, Dromiceiomimus!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But lots of the alternative names can be considered obscene, can't they? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But they can also be entirely free from any quasi-insulting Latinate etymology the other words have. There's people trying to reclaim these currently-taboo words in the same way "queer" was! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Neat! But largely irrelevant to us, as our reproduction is not through vaginal intercourse! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] AS YOU KNOW, we achieve intercourse through a cloacal kiss, the cloaca being of course our single shared intestinal, urinary, AND reproductive tract opening! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, of course! *sigh* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Last night I dreamt |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some folks got opinions, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some folks got opinions on what their genitals should be called, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BY WAY OF AN EXAMPLE, "vagina" comes from Latin, where it means "sheath" - as in something that goes around a sword! And some people are like, check it, MY vagina does tons more than the passive "sheath" implies, so let's call it something else! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] "Check it"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's what some people are like, Dromiceiomimus!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But lots of the alternative names can be considered obscene, can't they? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But they can also be entirely free from any quasi-insulting Latinate etymology the other words have. There's people trying to reclaim these currently-taboo words in the same way "queer" was! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Neat! But largely irrelevant to us, as our reproduction is not through vaginal intercourse! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] AS YOU KNOW, we achieve intercourse through a cloacal kiss, the cloaca being of course our single shared intestinal, urinary, AND reproductive tract opening! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, of course! *sigh* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is extremely erotic |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's that, computer? Updates are available to be installed? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FRIG YES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I love friggin' updates! Why doesn't my computer do everything perfectly right now? Because if it did, I wouldn't get the joy of friggin' updating all the time! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Maybe something that used to work won't work anymore! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FRIG that'd be awesome. I love fixing stuff I didn't even break!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Did you hear that friggin' updates are available to be installed, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I sure friggin' did!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We'll be saying this when we're 50 years old, you know. We'll still be installing friggin' updates. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Or maybe updates will be installed without even telling us, so when things break it'll be a big surprise each time with no friggin' discernable cause! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh frig! I think the future just got awesome! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Frig, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! Let's be serious! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's that, computer? Updates are available to be installed? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FRIG YES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I love friggin' updates! Why doesn't my computer do everything perfectly right now? Because if it did, I wouldn't get the joy of friggin' updating all the time! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Maybe something that used to work won't work anymore! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FRIG that'd be awesome. I love fixing stuff I didn't even break!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Did you hear that friggin' updates are available to be installed, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I sure friggin' did!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We'll be saying this when we're 50 years old, you know. We'll still be installing friggin' updates. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Or maybe updates will be installed without even telling us, so when things break it'll be a big surprise each time with no friggin' discernable cause! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh frig! I think the future just got awesome! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Frig, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For a second there, |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Did you know you can find instructions for making a bomb on the interweb? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I didn't have any plutonium though, [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I say "Case closed" I make eye contact, take off |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Did you know you can find instructions for making a bomb on the interweb? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I didn't have any plutonium though, [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] so I filled it with pictures from when we were kids! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is the day I cook a meal for all my friends! You're coming, right God? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] YEP FOR SURE I LOVE TO EAT MY CREATIONS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... Okay, great! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus you're coming too, right? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Sure! What are you making? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A themed dish for every guest! Yours is on the theme "vegetarian ornithomimidae" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Appropiate! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oooh! What's my dish's theme? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Gay". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It'll be delicious! "Here's some gay", I'll say! "Eat up!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm not sure if that's offensive. I think it might be offensive! Maybe? I guess it depends on what food you think best represents "gay". [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well? Do you like it? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's a box of Cap'n Crunch cereal, and inside the box you put a note that says "DUDES". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dentists are totally CYBERNETICISTS. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is the day I cook a meal for all my friends! You're coming, right God? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] YEP FOR SURE I LOVE TO EAT MY CREATIONS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... Okay, great! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus you're coming too, right? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Sure! What are you making? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A themed dish for every guest! Yours is on the theme "vegetarian ornithomimidae" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Appropiate! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oooh! What's my dish's theme? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Gay". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It'll be delicious! "Here's some gay", I'll say! "Eat up!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm not sure if that's offensive. I think it might be offensive! Maybe? I guess it depends on what food you think best represents "gay". [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well? Do you like it? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's a box of Cap'n Crunch cereal, and inside the box you put a note that says "DUDES". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor your theme was |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have led my life believing that people who write down cuss words have bad things happen to them. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it has worked out really well so far! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I saw someone writing a cuss, I would think "It's okay, that person will have troubles down the line because of that, and then they'll realize why, and then they'll know not to write down cusses anymore. They will have learnt their lesson." But I wrote down some cusses last night and nothing bad happened! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nothing! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Maybe it was the cusses you chose? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's what I thought! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But after smaller cusses didn't take, I worked up to the bigger ones. And even they weren't doing anything! By the time it was time for bed, I was writing out things like "PROFESSOR CUNTBURGLAR" in my notebook, complete with doodled 3D effects! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And still no response, huh? Weird! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! But then I realized there's probably a delay, so when a bunch of birds poop on my head later on this week I'm not going to wonder why. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor is afraid of ghosts! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have led my life believing that people who write down cuss words have bad things happen to them. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it has worked out really well so far! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I saw someone writing a cuss, I would think "It's okay, that person will have troubles down the line because of that, and then they'll realize why, and then they'll know not to write down cusses anymore. They will have learnt their lesson." But I wrote down some cusses last night and nothing bad happened! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nothing! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Maybe it was the cusses you chose? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's what I thought! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But after smaller cusses didn't take, I worked up to the bigger ones. And even they weren't doing anything! By the time it was time for bed, I was writing out things like "PROFESSOR CUNTBURGLAR" in my notebook, complete with doodled 3D effects! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And still no response, huh? Weird! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! But then I realized there's probably a delay, so when a bunch of birds poop on my head later on this week I'm not going to wonder why. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Look for me, I'll be |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Which guy just totally shredded his phone bill? Oh snap, looks like it was THIS guy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm a dude with a shredder now, ladies!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I paid my phone bill and then I shredded it, and then I shredded the envelope it came in, and then I wrote some secrets down and shredded THEM. I will never get tired of shredding things with my new shredder, Dromiceiomimus! I do hereby solemnly vow and affirm that I will be big into shredders until the day I die! I swear it! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Okay [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Vows are meant to be saved for the big things, man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is big! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No, this is you infatuated with a consumer-grade appliance. Vows are for when you get married, swear revenge on the death of a loved one, or become Batman! And even that is just a special case of the revenge one. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not anymore, Utahraptor!! "I vow" is the new "I swear to God"! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my God, this radio station sucks so bad!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HOLY CRAP! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I VOW [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ethical relativism is the best philosophy |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Which guy just totally shredded his phone bill? Oh snap, looks like it was THIS guy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm a dude with a shredder now, ladies!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I paid my phone bill and then I shredded it, and then I shredded the envelope it came in, and then I wrote some secrets down and shredded THEM. I will never get tired of shredding things with my new shredder, Dromiceiomimus! I do hereby solemnly vow and affirm that I will be big into shredders until the day I die! I swear it! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Okay [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Vows are meant to be saved for the big things, man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is big! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No, this is you infatuated with a consumer-grade appliance. Vows are for when you get married, swear revenge on the death of a loved one, or become Batman! And even that is just a special case of the revenge one. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not anymore, Utahraptor!! "I vow" is the new "I swear to God"! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my God, this radio station sucks so bad!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HOLY CRAP! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I VOW [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THAT THERE CAN BE NONE SUCKIER |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] VAMPIRES CAN HAVE KIDS T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh daaaaaaaang!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why was I not informed until now?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Vampires can have kids, Dromiceiomimus! They can REPRODUCE through sex! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What? Daaaaaang! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, vampires can make more vampires either through bites OR through sex. They have an entire reproduction option that we don't have! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Kinda jealous over here! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But, they can't go out in the sun. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! There is that. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I actually don't think the bite option is that fun anyway. Biting someone and getting their blood into your mouth? Honestly? I can think of like four better ways to spend a Friday night. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Name 'em. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Playing video games, eating food, hanging out with friends, and having ACTUAL SEX. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Huh! So the fact that there weren't ten |
real | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] VAMPIRES CAN HAVE KIDS T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh daaaaaaaang!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why was I not informed until now?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Vampires can have kids, Dromiceiomimus! They can REPRODUCE through sex! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What? Daaaaaang! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, vampires can make more vampires either through bites OR through sex. They have an entire reproduction option that we don't have! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Kinda jealous over here! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But, they can't go out in the sun. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! There is that. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I actually don't think the bite option is that fun anyway. Biting someone and getting their blood into your mouth? Honestly? I can think of like four better ways to spend a Friday night. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Name 'em. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Playing video games, eating food, hanging out with friends, and having ACTUAL SEX. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not necessarily all at the same time, either |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My autobiography, by me, T-Rex! *ahem* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was born in the past. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But then I got older, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I made some great friends and did some cool things. Eventually, one of these things I did was to write a book about them. And that brings us up to the present! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So! Now I'm writing my book and stepping on this tiny woman. I'm kinda hungry? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh God, live autobiography! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My friend Utahraptor is sassing this book I'm writing. He's really insulting ALL of us! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] " [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm not insulting anyone, I'm just not a fan of live autobio. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ", he said. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not really sure how I did that!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I lost the baby I was babysitting! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My autobiography, by me, T-Rex! *ahem* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was born in the past. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But then I got older, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I made some great friends and did some cool things. Eventually, one of these things I did was to write a book about them. And that brings us up to the present! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So! Now I'm writing my book and stepping on this tiny woman. I'm kinda hungry? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh God, live autobiography! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My friend Utahraptor is sassing this book I'm writing. He's really insulting ALL of us! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] " [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm not insulting anyone, I'm just not a fan of live autobio. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ", he said. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not really sure how I did that!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm REALLY NOT SURE how that happened |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's Newton's third law o' motion! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it means that when I slam into a wall and bounce off and hurt myself, I'm not sore because the wall is solid. I'm sore because the wall hits me - LITERALLY hits me! The wall DECIDES to hit me back with exactly as much force as I hit it with, and I'm the one who gets hurt! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The wall hit you, but "decide" is misleading! The wall didn't make any decisions. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, how do we know?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We call it Newton's LAW because all matter in the Universe follows it. But maybe every atom of matter in the universe is imbued with JUST enough consciousness to decide to be a retaliatory dick every chance it gets! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's magical thinking, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, I can live in a world of immutable scientific laws, or I can live in a world where I need to revenge myself on my kitchen floor because it smashed up a glass I dropped. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] To which I will reply, "Look at yourselves! Who is the |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's Newton's third law o' motion! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it means that when I slam into a wall and bounce off and hurt myself, I'm not sore because the wall is solid. I'm sore because the wall hits me - LITERALLY hits me! The wall DECIDES to hit me back with exactly as much force as I hit it with, and I'm the one who gets hurt! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The wall hit you, but "decide" is misleading! The wall didn't make any decisions. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, how do we know?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We call it Newton's LAW because all matter in the Universe follows it. But maybe every atom of matter in the universe is imbued with JUST enough consciousness to decide to be a retaliatory dick every chance it gets! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's magical thinking, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, I can live in a world of immutable scientific laws, or I can live in a world where I need to revenge myself on my kitchen floor because it smashed up a glass I dropped. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait, when I put it that way it sounds kinda dumb!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BIKING TIPS FOR TEENS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Teens! Do you love biking? Sure You Do! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're a teen!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But did you know that biking without a helmet can be dangerous? Actually biking with a helmet can be dangerous too. Biking, regardless of helmet status, can be dangerous. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Getting out of bed can be dangerous. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Getting out of bed can be dangerous, teens!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Who are you talking to? There's - there's no teens here. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But there might be teens ABOUT here! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know, teens walking by on their way to somewhere else. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Eavesdropping teens. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! Eavesdropping teens who'll overhear our conversation and say "Holy smokes! I'd better learn to love safety!" and then, they go and learn to love safety. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Do they do it in the comfort of their own home? Do they do it in the "skate park"? Who knows?! They're teens! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow, when did you become an old man, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's genetic! Utahraptor! That's the worst fake |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BIKING TIPS FOR TEENS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Teens! Do you love biking? Sure You Do! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're a teen!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But did you know that biking without a helmet can be dangerous? Actually biking with a helmet can be dangerous too. Biking, regardless of helmet status, can be dangerous. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Getting out of bed can be dangerous. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Getting out of bed can be dangerous, teens!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Who are you talking to? There's - there's no teens here. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But there might be teens ABOUT here! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know, teens walking by on their way to somewhere else. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Eavesdropping teens. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! Eavesdropping teens who'll overhear our conversation and say "Holy smokes! I'd better learn to love safety!" and then, they go and learn to love safety. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Do they do it in the comfort of their own home? Do they do it in the "skate park"? Who knows?! They're teens! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow, when did you become an old man, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is something I am experimenting with |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I used to be against people who left their Christmas lights up on their houses all year long. It was lazy, I said! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like this: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's LAZY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But then I realized one of the things I most look forward to about December is going on walks at night and seeing everything lit up. And it would be rad if we did that all the time! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You don't think permanent lights are less special? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure, but I don't like them because they're SPECIAL. I like them because they're awesome! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah yes, the ineffable appeal of an plastic snowman punctuating a July lawn! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OKAY, some folks are tacky. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But some are totally rad! You know when the edge of a house is lined with lights, so from a distance it looks like a solid wireframe model? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...I like those ones. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: T-REX'S EXTRAVAGENT CHRISTMAS LIGHTS LEAD TO A LARGE ELECTRICITY BILL [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm so tired of all my actions having consequences! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus! What are YOU doing here? |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I used to be against people who left their Christmas lights up on their houses all year long. It was lazy, I said! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like this: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's LAZY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But then I realized one of the things I most look forward to about December is going on walks at night and seeing everything lit up. And it would be rad if we did that all the time! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You don't think permanent lights are less special? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure, but I don't like them because they're SPECIAL. I like them because they're awesome! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah yes, the ineffable appeal of an plastic snowman punctuating a July lawn! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OKAY, some folks are tacky. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But some are totally rad! You know when the edge of a house is lined with lights, so from a distance it looks like a solid wireframe model? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...I like those ones. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: T-REX'S EXTRAVAGENT CHRISTMAS LIGHTS LEAD TO A LARGE ELECTRICITY BILL [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm so tired of all my actions having consequences! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OH MY GOD, is there SERIOUSLY |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Plato was a philosopher guy who said perfect dudes don't exist. Rather, all dudes are the imperfect instantiations of the perfect ideal of dudes, the essential dude, intangible essence of dudeness! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Plato also said things like "I'm hungry guys, frig!" but we're not remembering him for that right now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ours is an imperfect world, and as such there's no perfect dudes in it. All the dudes we have are imperfect instances - copies, if you will- of the ideal dude, who is so great he can't even EXIST. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But what about if you and I have different ideas about what the perfect dude is? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It's just I'm - I'm pretty sure we do. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Plato really said this about... dudes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, NO, not technically. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He was actually talking about everything, but that includes dudes! I used dudes because it's an example EVERYONE can get behind. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wouldn't circles be a better example? We can all imagine the perfect circle, but we can't draw one. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, computers can?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Those are pixelated if you look closely, T-Rex! And before you say "robots can", they still draw on some medium, and that's made of atoms. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And atoms are NATURE'S pixels! You just proved my case for me! Awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sociopaths view other people as obstacles. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Plato was a philosopher guy who said perfect dudes don't exist. Rather, all dudes are the imperfect instantiations of the perfect ideal of dudes, the essential dude, intangible essence of dudeness! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Plato also said things like "I'm hungry guys, frig!" but we're not remembering him for that right now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ours is an imperfect world, and as such there's no perfect dudes in it. All the dudes we have are imperfect instances - copies, if you will- of the ideal dude, who is so great he can't even EXIST. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But what about if you and I have different ideas about what the perfect dude is? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It's just I'm - I'm pretty sure we do. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Plato really said this about... dudes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, NO, not technically. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He was actually talking about everything, but that includes dudes! I used dudes because it's an example EVERYONE can get behind. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wouldn't circles be a better example? We can all imagine the perfect circle, but we can't draw one. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, computers can?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Those are pixelated if you look closely, T-Rex! And before you say "robots can", they still draw on some medium, and that's made of atoms. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And atoms are NATURE'S pixels! You just proved my case for me! Awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay now, bring it back to |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When a man and a woman love each other very much, they share a very special hug! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's not always that special though, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometime in the past, male bedbugs realized that since they have an open circulatory system, if a female doesn't want to have sex with them they can just CRACK OPEN HER BODY and inject their sperm right into her chest, where it will eventually reach her ovaries! And now all males have these HYPODERMIC STAB WEINERS, and the women are left with fully-functional genital tracts that are only used when it's time to deposit the eggs! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The ladies evolved some countermeasures though, didn't they? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! In the form of EXTRA GENITALS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They've got this paragenitalia - paragenitalia! - on their chests that's this target for the guys, but which also limits their damage and lowers the chance of infection. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, when people talk to me about intelligent design, I yell "BED BUGS HAVE INSTITUTIONALIZED STAB RAPES". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Conceptual metaphors are those that allow us to understand |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When a man and a woman love each other very much, they share a very special hug! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's not always that special though, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometime in the past, male bedbugs realized that since they have an open circulatory system, if a female doesn't want to have sex with them they can just CRACK OPEN HER BODY and inject their sperm right into her chest, where it will eventually reach her ovaries! And now all males have these HYPODERMIC STAB WEINERS, and the women are left with fully-functional genital tracts that are only used when it's time to deposit the eggs! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The ladies evolved some countermeasures though, didn't they? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! In the form of EXTRA GENITALS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They've got this paragenitalia - paragenitalia! - on their chests that's this target for the guys, but which also limits their damage and lowers the chance of infection. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, when people talk to me about intelligent design, I yell "BED BUGS HAVE INSTITUTIONALIZED STAB RAPES". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That - that normally ends the conversation right there |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [[WRITTEN AS TITLE OF THE COMIC]] [LINE] "HEY. HEY. YOU HAVE SOMETHING STUCK BETWEEN YOUR TEETH" [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [[WRITTEN AS TITLE OF THE COMIC]] [LINE] a web card [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey. Hey! You have something stuck between your teeth! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And the sender of THIS card clearly thought the best way to tell you was to go home, boot up their computer, and email you a web card. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex, we're in the future! People have PHONES that can send emails now. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! EVEN WHEN THE EMAILS CONTAIN WEB CARDS?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep, even then. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] R...really? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep! So it's not so unreasonable that someone would send this web card. If the other person also had a fancy phone, it would be a discreet way of letting them know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, wow! That's cool. I didn't know phones could do that! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway! It's like - broccoli or something between your teeth? Maybe pesto? Anyway, it's all over the place. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! I certainly hope you'll change your mind for VAMPIRE |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [[WRITTEN AS TITLE OF THE COMIC]] [LINE] "HEY. HEY. YOU HAVE SOMETHING STUCK BETWEEN YOUR TEETH" [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [[WRITTEN AS TITLE OF THE COMIC]] [LINE] a web card [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey. Hey! You have something stuck between your teeth! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And the sender of THIS card clearly thought the best way to tell you was to go home, boot up their computer, and email you a web card. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex, we're in the future! People have PHONES that can send emails now. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! EVEN WHEN THE EMAILS CONTAIN WEB CARDS?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep, even then. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] R...really? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep! So it's not so unreasonable that someone would send this web card. If the other person also had a fancy phone, it would be a discreet way of letting them know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, wow! That's cool. I didn't know phones could do that! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway! It's like - broccoli or something between your teeth? Maybe pesto? Anyway, it's all over the place. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's like your gums were replaced with green peanut butter |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? We totally can put an exact price on life, down to the nearest cent. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In fact, we do it all the time! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Every time we land somewhere on the gradient between safety and expense, we do it. If a new ambulance costs $100,000 but would likely save at least 100 lives while it was in use, and we decide NOT to buy it, then we're saying those particular lives aren't worth $1000. Ouch! Sorry, ambulance dudes! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But maybe we don't have the money to buy an ambulance anyway! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure! It's not a perfect measurement. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All I'm saying is we ESTIMATE it all the time. Heck, you do it whenever you're paid hourly and you speed into work! Divide the extra money you get by being there sooner by the increase chance of death the added speed brings you, and you've just VALUED YOUR OWN LIFE. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ...I - I guess so! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] On the flip side, whenever housecleaners clean a bathroom, they're PAID to kill the bacteria there! So those tiny lives are worth negative dollars. And there's SO MANY bacteria, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I can't believe how awesome it is! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? We totally can put an exact price on life, down to the nearest cent. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In fact, we do it all the time! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Every time we land somewhere on the gradient between safety and expense, we do it. If a new ambulance costs $100,000 but would likely save at least 100 lives while it was in use, and we decide NOT to buy it, then we're saying those particular lives aren't worth $1000. Ouch! Sorry, ambulance dudes! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But maybe we don't have the money to buy an ambulance anyway! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure! It's not a perfect measurement. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All I'm saying is we ESTIMATE it all the time. Heck, you do it whenever you're paid hourly and you speed into work! Divide the extra money you get by being there sooner by the increase chance of death the added speed brings you, and you've just VALUED YOUR OWN LIFE. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ...I - I guess so! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] On the flip side, whenever housecleaners clean a bathroom, they're PAID to kill the bacteria there! So those tiny lives are worth negative dollars. And there's SO MANY bacteria, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There are like a decazillion of them I |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, um, I spent a few days putting a price on LIFE ITSELF, and now I've got a dollar figure for my own life! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Kinda depressing, you guys! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well, you can bolster it some, right? Like, you could add on the price each your organs would fetch on a black market. That'd raise it some! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THAT JUST MAKES IT MORE DEPRESSING! I don't want to be commodified, Dromiceiomimus. When people said "You can't put a price on life", they didn't mean it was an impossibility - they meant it in the permissive sense! They were trying to give me GOOD ADVICE. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Not a fan of your entire life reduced to a single number? Then don't do it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] These prices are estimates anyway, dependant on so many assumptions. Even if someone's dead, you can't say for sure how much they're worth! How much was Newton worth? Or Shakespeare? Or some dude who fathered Shakespeare's great-great grandmother? Or some OTHER dude who was there, encouraging him to do it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is my |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, um, I spent a few days putting a price on LIFE ITSELF, and now I've got a dollar figure for my own life! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Kinda depressing, you guys! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well, you can bolster it some, right? Like, you could add on the price each your organs would fetch on a black market. That'd raise it some! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THAT JUST MAKES IT MORE DEPRESSING! I don't want to be commodified, Dromiceiomimus. When people said "You can't put a price on life", they didn't mean it was an impossibility - they meant it in the permissive sense! They were trying to give me GOOD ADVICE. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Not a fan of your entire life reduced to a single number? Then don't do it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] These prices are estimates anyway, dependant on so many assumptions. Even if someone's dead, you can't say for sure how much they're worth! How much was Newton worth? Or Shakespeare? Or some dude who fathered Shakespeare's great-great grandmother? Or some OTHER dude who was there, encouraging him to do it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] {{in italics}} ...Weird. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The greatest proof that time travel isn't possible is that we're not being visited by tourists from the future. I call this Sexy T-Rex's Argument Against Time Travel! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] STEPHEN HAWKING SAID THAT ALREADY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...fine! FINE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Stephen Hawking is a smart guy; it makes sense he'd get there first. However, did he ever say maybe time tourists are ALREADY walking among us, but they've disguised themselves so well that we've never noticed? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] No, but Carl Sagan did. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...He WOULD. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Turns out greater minds than yours have thought about time travel already, huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure, but that's fine! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm PERFECTLY CONTENT if nobody ever talks about T-Rex's Argument Against Time Travel. It's the idea that's important, not who gets credit for it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really? That's very mature of you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Thank you! I am an extremely mature gentleman, and I'm flattered you noticed. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: T-REX VANDALIZES A BATHROOM WALL WITH THE WORDS "STEPHEN HAWKING AND CARL SAGAN, YOU BOTH HAVE UNWITTINGLY DONE ME A SMALL UNKINDNESS" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But - I'm not slutty! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The greatest proof that time travel isn't possible is that we're not being visited by tourists from the future. I call this Sexy T-Rex's Argument Against Time Travel! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] STEPHEN HAWKING SAID THAT ALREADY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...fine! FINE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Stephen Hawking is a smart guy; it makes sense he'd get there first. However, did he ever say maybe time tourists are ALREADY walking among us, but they've disguised themselves so well that we've never noticed? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] No, but Carl Sagan did. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...He WOULD. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Turns out greater minds than yours have thought about time travel already, huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure, but that's fine! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm PERFECTLY CONTENT if nobody ever talks about T-Rex's Argument Against Time Travel. It's the idea that's important, not who gets credit for it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really? That's very mature of you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Thank you! I am an extremely mature gentleman, and I'm flattered you noticed. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: T-REX VANDALIZES A BATHROOM WALL WITH THE WORDS "STEPHEN HAWKING AND CARL SAGAN, YOU BOTH HAVE UNWITTINGLY DONE ME A SMALL UNKINDNESS" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's as forceful as I |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A bunch of us want to find meaning and purpose in our lives and the Universe. Unfortunately, the Universe itself is indifferent, uncaring and meaningless! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Absurdism comics [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] woooo [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So! Since the Universe is TOTALLY MEANINGLESS, looking for any sort of meaning in life is absurd, and we're all sorta stuck. But lucky for us, the absurdist philosophers came up with three ways to resolve this! The - the first resolution is suicide. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've said it before, but I'll say it again: the absurdists were not the cheeriest potatoes in the bag. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But if we don't want to kill ourselves, we can find religion, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Right! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Religion can give hope of a kind and caring world beyond our absurd one. But since they see reason as the greatest tool we've got and religion relies on faith, it's rejected by the absurdists as a (just as deadly!) PHILOSOPHICAL suicide. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what's left? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's left? Only to accept the absurd and try to find any meaning we can in our own personal journey from life to death! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's what makes it such a great hook! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A bunch of us want to find meaning and purpose in our lives and the Universe. Unfortunately, the Universe itself is indifferent, uncaring and meaningless! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Absurdism comics [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] woooo [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So! Since the Universe is TOTALLY MEANINGLESS, looking for any sort of meaning in life is absurd, and we're all sorta stuck. But lucky for us, the absurdist philosophers came up with three ways to resolve this! The - the first resolution is suicide. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've said it before, but I'll say it again: the absurdists were not the cheeriest potatoes in the bag. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But if we don't want to kill ourselves, we can find religion, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Right! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Religion can give hope of a kind and caring world beyond our absurd one. But since they see reason as the greatest tool we've got and religion relies on faith, it's rejected by the absurdists as a (just as deadly!) PHILOSOPHICAL suicide. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what's left? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's left? Only to accept the absurd and try to find any meaning we can in our own personal journey from life to death! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, this is how come I'm so into |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WHERE ARE THEY NOW? CELEBRITIES FROM THE 80S: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some are dead, most are still around! Some are happy, others are not so happy, but I'm sure they hope to be happy soon. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Best of luck, unhappy 80s celebrities!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THOSE HORIZONTAL BARS ON OLD WEBSITES THAT LOOK LIKE A CIRCULAR SAW IS MOVING BACK AND FORTH TO CUT THE WEBPAGE IN HALF: [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] They're still working on cutting that page in half, God bless 'em. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nobody tell them HTML doesn't work like that, okay?? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT DINNER FROM A FEW MONTHS AGO: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Some of it probably got turned into your body! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Niiiice. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] OKAY, ATOMS IN YOUR BODY THEN: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] A better question is "where were they THEN?" and the answer is "Originally, the big bang, where all that makes you was blasted out of the same stuff that your enemies also came from." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Also, every bit of current day poop came from there too; pretty gross." [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EVERYONE FROM 200 YEARS AGO: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All passed away, leaving behind only things others thought were worth preserving, if any, and memories of themselves in the minds of their equally mortal friends. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's my new favorite song! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WHERE ARE THEY NOW? CELEBRITIES FROM THE 80S: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some are dead, most are still around! Some are happy, others are not so happy, but I'm sure they hope to be happy soon. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Best of luck, unhappy 80s celebrities!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THOSE HORIZONTAL BARS ON OLD WEBSITES THAT LOOK LIKE A CIRCULAR SAW IS MOVING BACK AND FORTH TO CUT THE WEBPAGE IN HALF: [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] They're still working on cutting that page in half, God bless 'em. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nobody tell them HTML doesn't work like that, okay?? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT DINNER FROM A FEW MONTHS AGO: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Some of it probably got turned into your body! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Niiiice. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] OKAY, ATOMS IN YOUR BODY THEN: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] A better question is "where were they THEN?" and the answer is "Originally, the big bang, where all that makes you was blasted out of the same stuff that your enemies also came from." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Also, every bit of current day poop came from there too; pretty gross." [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EVERYONE FROM 200 YEARS AGO: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All passed away, leaving behind only things others thought were worth preserving, if any, and memories of themselves in the minds of their equally mortal friends. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is depressing, let's talk |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] LOCK [LINE] *click* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw dang!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Frig Dromiceiomimus, I locked myself out! My keys AND everything else I own is trapped in a housethat, thanks to my thoughlessness, I no longer have access to!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You can hire a locksmith to cut the locks open. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HOW CAN I PROVE I'M ME? All my ID is inside the house! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Just show them a photo once you're inside! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ridicilous! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That is a huge loophole that ANY NUMBER of evil twins could exploit! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you'd be surprised how often there's no security measures against evil twins in real life. Why, you could ask your friend Utahraptor... IF HE WAS HERE!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AHHHHHH- [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HHHHHHHHPARENTLY YOU HAVE BEEN SUBSTITUTED FOR HIM [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What you suggest in jest, I will |
real | [SPEAKER] LOCK [LINE] *click* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw dang!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Frig Dromiceiomimus, I locked myself out! My keys AND everything else I own is trapped in a housethat, thanks to my thoughlessness, I no longer have access to!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You can hire a locksmith to cut the locks open. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HOW CAN I PROVE I'M ME? All my ID is inside the house! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Just show them a photo once you're inside! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ridicilous! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That is a huge loophole that ANY NUMBER of evil twins could exploit! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you'd be surprised how often there's no security measures against evil twins in real life. Why, you could ask your friend Utahraptor... IF HE WAS HERE!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AHHHHHH- [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HHHHHHHHPARENTLY YOU HAVE BEEN SUBSTITUTED FOR HIM [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] IS HOW I WOULD SUMMARIZE YOUR SENTENCE |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Cats and kittens, chicks and dudes!! I was wrong! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You CAN force your heirs to punch a bear in your will! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I make a CONDITIONAL bequest while of sound mind and body and possessing FULL TESTAMENTARY CAPACITY, a probate court is entirely likely to honour those clauses! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Conditional bequest? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, like "You must punch out a bear within three weeks of my death, or the diamonds go to some charity instead!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Only, I don't actually write "some charity". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You name the charity. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, I'm SO EXCITED. I kinda want to become super rich now, because the more money I have the more AWESOME CLAUSES I can put into my will! "Sure, you can have some money now that I'm dead... IF YOU KISS FIFTY DUDES IN THE NEXT THREE MINUTES, GO GO GO!!!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! I take it back, dying is AWESOME. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, parts of it, I mean! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No I'm not! It's just that dreams always sound really symbolic when they're described, that's |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Cats and kittens, chicks and dudes!! I was wrong! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You CAN force your heirs to punch a bear in your will! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I make a CONDITIONAL bequest while of sound mind and body and possessing FULL TESTAMENTARY CAPACITY, a probate court is entirely likely to honour those clauses! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Conditional bequest? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, like "You must punch out a bear within three weeks of my death, or the diamonds go to some charity instead!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Only, I don't actually write "some charity". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You name the charity. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, I'm SO EXCITED. I kinda want to become super rich now, because the more money I have the more AWESOME CLAUSES I can put into my will! "Sure, you can have some money now that I'm dead... IF YOU KISS FIFTY DUDES IN THE NEXT THREE MINUTES, GO GO GO!!!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! I take it back, dying is AWESOME. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, parts of it, I mean! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The parts where the dead bribe the living seem pretty rad is all I'm saying |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have noticed that eating different foods has different physiological effects on myself. There must be some 'balanced diet' that maximizes the agreeable effects of such nourishment! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] With this in mind, I have created... the Nutrinomicon! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The Nutrinomicon divides foods into four different 'groups.' These 'groups' have prescribed allowances per day. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] By following the nutritional regime of the Nutrinomicon, you can be assured of a fine diet! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Your "Nutrinomicon" is nothing more than a Food Guide, repackaged! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] All the major governments have published Food Guides, which do exactly what your Nutrinomicon purports to do: divide food into groups, and describe how much of each group is allowable for a balanced diet. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I have to admit, your name is cooler, though. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But - I stayed up all night working on the celebrated and unmentionable Nutrinomicon. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Mi parolas Esperanton! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have noticed that eating different foods has different physiological effects on myself. There must be some 'balanced diet' that maximizes the agreeable effects of such nourishment! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] With this in mind, I have created... the Nutrinomicon! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The Nutrinomicon divides foods into four different 'groups.' These 'groups' have prescribed allowances per day. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] By following the nutritional regime of the Nutrinomicon, you can be assured of a fine diet! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Your "Nutrinomicon" is nothing more than a Food Guide, repackaged! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] All the major governments have published Food Guides, which do exactly what your Nutrinomicon purports to do: divide food into groups, and describe how much of each group is allowable for a balanced diet. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I have to admit, your name is cooler, though. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But - I stayed up all night working on the celebrated and unmentionable Nutrinomicon. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I even skipped |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In the Garden of Eden story, Adam and Eve eat an apple from the tree of knowledge and then they're kicked out of paradise and THE AMAZING ADVENTURE OF NOT LIVING IN A GARDEN BEGINS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not in my version, peeps! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In MY version, this isn't an allegory or anything. Instead, it's an ALTERNATE HISTORY where Adam and Eve decide not to eat the apple! The entire book of Genesis grinds to a halt at the point where Eve says "Dudes, turns out I'm NOT hungry!" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Then what happens? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THEN they cordon off the tree of knowledge to prevent any future mistakes, finally burying it in cement Chernobyl-style! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But where'd they get cement? That's a technology. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They invented it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They've got nothing else to do there all day, so they invented cement. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So in your story, Adam and Eve hang out in paradise, alone, inventing cement. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES. It is an amazing tale! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I call it "What If Early Abrahamic Religions Had Not Been Concerned With The Origin of Sin, But Instead Contained A Viable Recipe For Cement". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What?! It was |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In the Garden of Eden story, Adam and Eve eat an apple from the tree of knowledge and then they're kicked out of paradise and THE AMAZING ADVENTURE OF NOT LIVING IN A GARDEN BEGINS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not in my version, peeps! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In MY version, this isn't an allegory or anything. Instead, it's an ALTERNATE HISTORY where Adam and Eve decide not to eat the apple! The entire book of Genesis grinds to a halt at the point where Eve says "Dudes, turns out I'm NOT hungry!" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Then what happens? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THEN they cordon off the tree of knowledge to prevent any future mistakes, finally burying it in cement Chernobyl-style! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But where'd they get cement? That's a technology. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They invented it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They've got nothing else to do there all day, so they invented cement. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So in your story, Adam and Eve hang out in paradise, alone, inventing cement. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES. It is an amazing tale! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I call it "What If Early Abrahamic Religions Had Not Been Concerned With The Origin of Sin, But Instead Contained A Viable Recipe For Cement". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHAT IF, Utahraptor?? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FILMIC TECHNIQUES COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh boy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I believe I'll offer some advice on employing everyday filmic techniques! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] To begin: when filming, you always want to say on one side of the action. This is because if you suddenly start filming from the OPPOSITE side of the action, it will appear to be reversed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Observe: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Notice how I appear to be stomping in the opposite direction! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Amazing! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Have you covered the "flashback" yet? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, please be my guest! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The flashback can be used to provide more detail about a character's motivation! For instance: [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TWENTY YEARS AGO... [SPEAKER] T-REX'S MOM [LINE] I told you, son: no stomping! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! I was stoked! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FILMIC TECHNIQUES COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh boy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I believe I'll offer some advice on employing everyday filmic techniques! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] To begin: when filming, you always want to say on one side of the action. This is because if you suddenly start filming from the OPPOSITE side of the action, it will appear to be reversed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Observe: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Notice how I appear to be stomping in the opposite direction! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Amazing! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Have you covered the "flashback" yet? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, please be my guest! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The flashback can be used to provide more detail about a character's motivation! For instance: [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TWENTY YEARS AGO... [SPEAKER] T-REX'S MOM [LINE] I told you, son: no stomping! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're not the boss of |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When you spend your time talking to a T-Rex... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone's a winner! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello, Dromiceiomimus. Would you care to have a little chat, perhaps? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Gosh, I'm sorry - I was just on my way to the grocery store. Some other time, OK? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, OK. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, that neither proves nor disproves my theory! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Which theory? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today I've been operating under the assumption that when you talk to a T-Rex (such as myself, you understand) - everyone's a winner! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "A winner"? How do you mean? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My only hope is to get them to kiss at the "Enchantment Under the Sea" |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When you spend your time talking to a T-Rex... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone's a winner! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello, Dromiceiomimus. Would you care to have a little chat, perhaps? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Gosh, I'm sorry - I was just on my way to the grocery store. Some other time, OK? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, OK. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, that neither proves nor disproves my theory! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Which theory? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today I've been operating under the assumption that when you talk to a T-Rex (such as myself, you understand) - everyone's a winner! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "A winner"? How do you mean? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like, everybody is better for the experience? Geez, man! It's not that complicated a sentiment! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder what life would be like if I were a woman! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello Dromiceiomimus! Do you want to go shopping for women's underwear? We are after all both women! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That is true! I see no reason why we both couldn't go out and buy some women's underwear! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nor do I! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Are you doing anything tonight? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why no - besides going out with a strapping young man such as yourself! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Excellent! Shall we say, nine-ish? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's a date! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Columbus popularizes the continent! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder what life would be like if I were a woman! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello Dromiceiomimus! Do you want to go shopping for women's underwear? We are after all both women! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That is true! I see no reason why we both couldn't go out and buy some women's underwear! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nor do I! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Are you doing anything tonight? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why no - besides going out with a strapping young man such as yourself! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Excellent! Shall we say, nine-ish? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's a date! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm glad I keep |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SARCASM COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if people can't tell when I'm being sarcastic? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is a serious question! What if in the past, when I assume somebody has picked up on what I took to be obvious sarcasm, they took me at face value? Oh my God! The misunderstandings would be legion! This is a huge concern! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I may have unintentionally lied or alienated every one of my friends! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Again? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! Can you tell when I'm being sarcastic? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, I think so, but say something sarcastic now and I'll tell you what it sounds like. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ok- just give me a second to think of something! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *ahem* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Super! I've never said this, but I love how when you come over for |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SARCASM COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if people can't tell when I'm being sarcastic? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is a serious question! What if in the past, when I assume somebody has picked up on what I took to be obvious sarcasm, they took me at face value? Oh my God! The misunderstandings would be legion! This is a huge concern! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I may have unintentionally lied or alienated every one of my friends! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Again? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! Can you tell when I'm being sarcastic? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, I think so, but say something sarcastic now and I'll tell you what it sounds like. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ok- just give me a second to think of something! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *ahem* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh no! I'm so worried! What if people can't tell when I'm being sarcastic? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I received an invitation via the post last night! A very exclusive invitation... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...to a wedding! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Who's getting married? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A friend of mine! She's getting married to a woman she met four years ago! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Wow! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ooh! Ooh! Can I be your guest for the wedding? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Awesome! I've never been to a wedding before, much less a lesbian wedding! This is exciting! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! We'll get to see them KISS! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's not what I meant! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have never been more frustrated than I am right now! I'm so |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I received an invitation via the post last night! A very exclusive invitation... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...to a wedding! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Who's getting married? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A friend of mine! She's getting married to a woman she met four years ago! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Wow! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ooh! Ooh! Can I be your guest for the wedding? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Awesome! I've never been to a wedding before, much less a lesbian wedding! This is exciting! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! We'll get to see them KISS! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's not what I meant! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whatever, man! I bet I won't be the only one taking a picture! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AT THE RECEPTION: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, the wedding went off without a hitch! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ha ha, not counting the slang meaning of 'hitch' of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What did you think of the wedding, Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I promised myself I wouldn't cry, but I cried! It was a beautiful wedding. Are you going to see the brides? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm on my way there now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will congratulate them on finding happiness! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What are you talking about? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The brides are gone, T-Rex! Remember when they ran down the church stairs while we showered confetti on them? They've left for their honeymoon! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah! But there's still cake for us, right? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Right! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Solving this mystery will |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AT THE RECEPTION: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, the wedding went off without a hitch! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ha ha, not counting the slang meaning of 'hitch' of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What did you think of the wedding, Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I promised myself I wouldn't cry, but I cried! It was a beautiful wedding. Are you going to see the brides? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm on my way there now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will congratulate them on finding happiness! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What are you talking about? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The brides are gone, T-Rex! Remember when they ran down the church stairs while we showered confetti on them? They've left for their honeymoon! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah! But there's still cake for us, right? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Right! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I love lesbian weddings! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THINGS I'VE READ ON THE INTERNET COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] also featuring: mild anti-vegetarian sentiment [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I once read how to make bombs! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I once learned how to hypnotize anyone! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I once read how to make a really good salad! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's it? The whole Internet and you look up salads? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You don't understand! It's a really good salad! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is it meat salad? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess! I bet some authors just want to tell jokes about dinosaurs |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THINGS I'VE READ ON THE INTERNET COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] also featuring: mild anti-vegetarian sentiment [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I once read how to make bombs! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I once learned how to hypnotize anyone! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I once read how to make a really good salad! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's it? The whole Internet and you look up salads? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You don't understand! It's a really good salad! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is it meat salad? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because if not then I doubt it would be a very good salad! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is Thanksgiving Day! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THANKSGIVING DAY COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm excited! I always look forward to all the food you get to eat during Thanksgiving! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My favourite is mashed potatoes! I've left extra room in my stomach for mashed potatoes! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But, T-Rex, Thanksgiving was- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sorry to interrupt, but I must be on my way! I'm having dinner with the Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, where the hell were you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh? What do you mean? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I cooked all day and you didn't even show up! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But - that dinner's tonight! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No! You always have the big meal the night BEFORE Thanksgiving Day! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You missed out! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aww boo! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Writing fiction certainly isn't hard. Not |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is Thanksgiving Day! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THANKSGIVING DAY COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm excited! I always look forward to all the food you get to eat during Thanksgiving! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My favourite is mashed potatoes! I've left extra room in my stomach for mashed potatoes! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But, T-Rex, Thanksgiving was- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sorry to interrupt, but I must be on my way! I'm having dinner with the Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, where the hell were you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh? What do you mean? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I cooked all day and you didn't even show up! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But - that dinner's tonight! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No! You always have the big meal the night BEFORE Thanksgiving Day! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You missed out! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aww boo! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This time, I've disappointed even myself! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've come up with some patently absurd ideas that I will pontificate upon, only to annoy the Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just bet I do this because I'm bored! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm probably jealous of him too! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Probably! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not that I'd ever tell him that, of course. I'm too self-absorbed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Life is great! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now I think I'll go stomp on a woman just because she's there! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex! Don't stomp on her! God damn it, I'm so sick of telling you not to stomp on things! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You mean stomping on things.. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... like this? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hmm... maybe I'll just stay home today! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ELSEWHERE... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude! It's not like you |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've come up with some patently absurd ideas that I will pontificate upon, only to annoy the Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just bet I do this because I'm bored! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm probably jealous of him too! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Probably! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not that I'd ever tell him that, of course. I'm too self-absorbed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Life is great! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now I think I'll go stomp on a woman just because she's there! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex! Don't stomp on her! God damn it, I'm so sick of telling you not to stomp on things! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You mean stomping on things.. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... like this? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hmm... maybe I'll just stay home today! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ELSEWHERE... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Where the hell is he?! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm opening up my own detective agency! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to solve MYSTERIES! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello, Dromiceiomimus. Do you have any mysteries you'd like solved? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well, not right now, but tell you what, T-Rex: if any come up, you'll be the first person I'll call! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excellent! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I've got a mystery I'd like solved! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh boy! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The mystery is how a gigantic green building-sized Tyrannosaurus Rex expects to succeed as a undercover detective! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's one mystery I'd like to get to the bottom of! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You should know, I don't take sarcastic cases! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That was an extremely |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm opening up my own detective agency! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to solve MYSTERIES! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello, Dromiceiomimus. Do you have any mysteries you'd like solved? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well, not right now, but tell you what, T-Rex: if any come up, you'll be the first person I'll call! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excellent! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I've got a mystery I'd like solved! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh boy! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The mystery is how a gigantic green building-sized Tyrannosaurus Rex expects to succeed as a undercover detective! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's one mystery I'd like to get to the bottom of! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You should know, I don't take sarcastic cases! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Only real mysteries, please! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hallowe'en is coming up! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Which means, of course, that I had better get started working on my costume! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] 2 years ago I went as a ninja! That was awesome, because I got to hit people with my ninja stick! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Last year I was a bear! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That was not so awesome. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Working on costume ideas, I see! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, good luck! This year my costume is going to kick your costume's butt! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah? What are you dressing up as? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I haven't decided yet! I might go for a CONCEPT. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I might go as "PLATONIC LOVE". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FUBS! Oh my goodness. I have to get a dog so I can |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hallowe'en is coming up! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Which means, of course, that I had better get started working on my costume! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] 2 years ago I went as a ninja! That was awesome, because I got to hit people with my ninja stick! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Last year I was a bear! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That was not so awesome. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Working on costume ideas, I see! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, good luck! This year my costume is going to kick your costume's butt! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah? What are you dressing up as? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I haven't decided yet! I might go for a CONCEPT. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I might go as "PLATONIC LOVE". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Good luck representing that in a way that guys don't find inherently confusing! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I need to have the best costume ever this Hallowe'en! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I don't want to do something that's been done before! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] How about a spooky mummy? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Lame. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] A puppy? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Lame! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! I'll go as a robot! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] A robot?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's cooler than a robotic T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THE. EVALUATION. OF. THAT. STATEMENT. RESULTS. IN. A. NULL. OUTPUT. SET [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ERROR DETECTED IN COMPUTATION [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] INPUT DISREGARDED: INFERIOR ROBOTIC MODEL [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NEW. PROGRAM. ENGAGED: 10 IGNORE WHAT UTAHRAPTOR SAYS 20 UTAHRAPTOR IS LAME 30 GOTO 10 [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] SYNTAX ERROR FOUND ON LINE 20: UTAHRAPTOR IS CLEARLY AWESOME [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! The moon! There's no air up there |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I need to have the best costume ever this Hallowe'en! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I don't want to do something that's been done before! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] How about a spooky mummy? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Lame. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] A puppy? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Lame! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! I'll go as a robot! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] A robot?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's cooler than a robotic T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THE. EVALUATION. OF. THAT. STATEMENT. RESULTS. IN. A. NULL. OUTPUT. SET [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ERROR DETECTED IN COMPUTATION [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] INPUT DISREGARDED: INFERIOR ROBOTIC MODEL [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NEW. PROGRAM. ENGAGED: 10 IGNORE WHAT UTAHRAPTOR SAYS 20 UTAHRAPTOR IS LAME 30 GOTO 10 [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] SYNTAX ERROR FOUND ON LINE 20: UTAHRAPTOR IS CLEARLY AWESOME [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's too late! Line 10 was already interpreted! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have been thinking about what the Utahraptor said yesterday, and by extension the ambiguity allowable in language! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Take the Bible, for instance! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's a text passed down for hundreds of generations, translated, re-written, re-edited. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Even if you don't assume that it's the word of God, the difference in meaning between what was written THEN and what you read NOW must be staggering! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's often said that the only way to be immortal is through your words and ideas! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I agree! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But the Bible shows us that language is mutable! So what's the solution? How can I ensure that the ideas I have in my head when I communicate are the same as those you get in yours when you hear me? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I propose a rigorously defined language without syntactic or lexical ambiguity! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But how would we write puns in such a language? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Eh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because i will have eaten |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have been thinking about what the Utahraptor said yesterday, and by extension the ambiguity allowable in language! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Take the Bible, for instance! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's a text passed down for hundreds of generations, translated, re-written, re-edited. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Even if you don't assume that it's the word of God, the difference in meaning between what was written THEN and what you read NOW must be staggering! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's often said that the only way to be immortal is through your words and ideas! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I agree! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But the Bible shows us that language is mutable! So what's the solution? How can I ensure that the ideas I have in my head when I communicate are the same as those you get in yours when you hear me? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I propose a rigorously defined language without syntactic or lexical ambiguity! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But how would we write puns in such a language? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Eh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Or delightfully sexy double entendres? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOW TO MEET NEW PEOPLE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Meeting new people can be fun! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It can be tiring if you are meeting a lot of new people at once, however. Here are some tips on how to meet lots of people at once: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "#8226; Wear something that will identify you and make you easy-to-remember! I recommend a "crazy" scarf or a large disfiguring scar. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Listen attentively to people's names when you meet them! If their name is the same as yours, laugh! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I've got one! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Try to remember interesting stories about yourself. Having such stories close at hand allows you both to fill in awkward gaps in conversation, and also acts to give people a quick, hopefully representative picture of yourself! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is these positive benefits of |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOW TO MEET NEW PEOPLE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Meeting new people can be fun! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It can be tiring if you are meeting a lot of new people at once, however. Here are some tips on how to meet lots of people at once: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "#8226; Wear something that will identify you and make you easy-to-remember! I recommend a "crazy" scarf or a large disfiguring scar. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Listen attentively to people's names when you meet them! If their name is the same as yours, laugh! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I've got one! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Try to remember interesting stories about yourself. Having such stories close at hand allows you both to fill in awkward gaps in conversation, and also acts to give people a quick, hopefully representative picture of yourself! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like when I lost someone's baby! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've discovered something exciting [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Writing free-form poetry is easy, if you just write whatever pops into your head! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Observe! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] radiantbox [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] f [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The end! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That was awful poetry! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It was awesome! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] All you've done is throw some stupid words in a stupid framework! It's so stupid! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Rrr! Just thinking about how bad that poem was is making me angry! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That poem was so BAD! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How could you make something so crappy?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's been warm and then hot and then uncomfortably hot and |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've discovered something exciting [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Writing free-form poetry is easy, if you just write whatever pops into your head! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Observe! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] radiantbox [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] f [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The end! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That was awful poetry! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It was awesome! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] All you've done is throw some stupid words in a stupid framework! It's so stupid! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Rrr! Just thinking about how bad that poem was is making me angry! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That poem was so BAD! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How could you make something so crappy?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! It was just a poem! I'm not married to it! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] RECIPE COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's recipe: [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] CHICK PEAS IN COCONUT MILK [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] CUT AND SAVE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tonight is a good night I think for having Chick Peas in Coconut Milk for dinner! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I believe I will combine in a saucepan 2 cups of canned chickpeas, drained; 1 tomato, chopped; 4 whole cloves; 2-3 cloves of garlic, minced; and 1 1/2 cups coconut milk! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But aren't you forget about 1 1/2 teaspoons of turmeric and about a half a teaspoon of salt? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Indeed I am! The turmeric gives the dish its distinctive yellow colour. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Then you bring it all to a boil, reduce heat and let it simer for 20 minutes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How did you know? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I make this dish all the time! It's great when served over rice, and feeds 2-3 people! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It does, indeed, old friend! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Any final comments, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But better than that: zombie BIRDS. |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] RECIPE COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's recipe: [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] CHICK PEAS IN COCONUT MILK [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] CUT AND SAVE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tonight is a good night I think for having Chick Peas in Coconut Milk for dinner! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I believe I will combine in a saucepan 2 cups of canned chickpeas, drained; 1 tomato, chopped; 4 whole cloves; 2-3 cloves of garlic, minced; and 1 1/2 cups coconut milk! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But aren't you forget about 1 1/2 teaspoons of turmeric and about a half a teaspoon of salt? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Indeed I am! The turmeric gives the dish its distinctive yellow colour. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Then you bring it all to a boil, reduce heat and let it simer for 20 minutes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How did you know? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I make this dish all the time! It's great when served over rice, and feeds 2-3 people! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It does, indeed, old friend! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Any final comments, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Only that if you want the |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Today's origin story: SUPERMAN [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am the last son of the doomed planet of Krypton! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Found, adopted and raised by the kindly Kent couple, who could not have a child of their own, I was taught about Truth, Justice and the American Way! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] As I grew, I found that I could run faster than a speeding bullet! I was more powerful than a locomotive! I was able to leap tall buildings in a single bound (as so)! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In times of trouble, I am there, as SUPERMAN! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Clark? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, I'm Superman! Clark Kent and I are two different people! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh - ha ha! For a second there, you looked like him, only without the glasses! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ha ha ha! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time machines are a special case. If |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Today's origin story: SUPERMAN [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am the last son of the doomed planet of Krypton! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Found, adopted and raised by the kindly Kent couple, who could not have a child of their own, I was taught about Truth, Justice and the American Way! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] As I grew, I found that I could run faster than a speeding bullet! I was more powerful than a locomotive! I was able to leap tall buildings in a single bound (as so)! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In times of trouble, I am there, as SUPERMAN! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Clark? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, I'm Superman! Clark Kent and I are two different people! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh - ha ha! For a second there, you looked like him, only without the glasses! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ha ha ha! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, I'll tell him you said "hi"! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] With that Utahraptor out of the way I feel better! A rare pleasure indeed, to have your problems put behind you and the future full of promise! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Imagine if that Utahraptor slipped in the shower? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He'd certainly wish he'd stomped the soap out of the way (much as I now stomp this little house) as he passed on! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps in his last moments, the irony of the situation - from my perspective - would become evident. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, I will freely enjoy stomping more now that he is gone! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Stop! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You have retreated too far into the realm of fantasy and have forgotten that I did not in fact expire in the shower! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I must guard against such self-absorption in the future! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am finally ready to settle down and start a |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] With that Utahraptor out of the way I feel better! A rare pleasure indeed, to have your problems put behind you and the future full of promise! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Imagine if that Utahraptor slipped in the shower? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He'd certainly wish he'd stomped the soap out of the way (much as I now stomp this little house) as he passed on! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps in his last moments, the irony of the situation - from my perspective - would become evident. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, I will freely enjoy stomping more now that he is gone! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Stop! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You have retreated too far into the realm of fantasy and have forgotten that I did not in fact expire in the shower! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I must guard against such self-absorption in the future! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I GUESS THERE IS A LESSON HERE FOR US ALL! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Today's origin story: GREEN LANTERN [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Green Lantern"?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll be honest, I haven't read any Green Lantern comics. He's got that power ring, right? And he can make giant green fists with it? And robot suits? Can he make robot suits sometimes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, um - one day Green Lantern found a power ring! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It doesn't work on yellow, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah! Yeah, that's right! It doesn't work on yellow. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's pretty weak. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No argument here. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Today's origin story: GREEN LANTERN [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've been thinking... If my decisions are based on my desires, and my desires are just the |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Today's origin story: GREEN LANTERN [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Green Lantern"?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll be honest, I haven't read any Green Lantern comics. He's got that power ring, right? And he can make giant green fists with it? And robot suits? Can he make robot suits sometimes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, um - one day Green Lantern found a power ring! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It doesn't work on yellow, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah! Yeah, that's right! It doesn't work on yellow. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's pretty weak. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No argument here. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Today's origin story: GREEN LANTERN [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] One day Green Lantern found a power ring and used it to fight crime that wasn't yellow! |