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nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am sick, but not in a good way. In a sore throat way. I am well and truly under the weather! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Me! Sick! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I never get sick. My sculpted body is invincible to all but the strongest strains of disease and malcontent! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You got sick a few months ago, remember? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay yeah, but this is a REAL sickness! This is a serious "I should stay in bed so I don't INFECT MY FRIENDS" sickness. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aw man, are you infecting us right now?? Go back to bed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, but - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I thought we - we could get through this disease... together? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! Nuh uh! You thought you were bored resting in bed, so you'd come out out here entertain yourself by talking to us! Meanwhile WE'RE getting disease all up in our trouser shorts. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON EVERYONE GETS SICK AND IT'S ALL T-REX'S FAULT: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Holy crap, is that a pet duck? |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am sick, but not in a good way. In a sore throat way. I am well and truly under the weather! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Me! Sick! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I never get sick. My sculpted body is invincible to all but the strongest strains of disease and malcontent! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You got sick a few months ago, remember? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay yeah, but this is a REAL sickness! This is a serious "I should stay in bed so I don't INFECT MY FRIENDS" sickness. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aw man, are you infecting us right now?? Go back to bed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, but - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I thought we - we could get through this disease... together? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! Nuh uh! You thought you were bored resting in bed, so you'd come out out here entertain yourself by talking to us! Meanwhile WE'RE getting disease all up in our trouser shorts. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON EVERYONE GETS SICK AND IT'S ALL T-REX'S FAULT: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What is this emotion called "criminal negligence"? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I really wish I'd invented fire extinguishers or something. Man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It would be a great way to be remembered every time someone puts out a fire! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Another shot at immortality, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not really! I just would like to be thought of fondly once in a while. Every time someone puts out a fire would be often enough for me! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Do you know who really did invent the fire extinguisher though, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But, you know, that's his fault, right? He didn't CAPITALIZE on it. But I would have! I'd have the extinguishers say "Remember T-Rex? He was so great, wasn't he guys?" every time they were use. Just a soft reminder - nothing too loud! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Huh. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A REVELATION: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ALTHOUGH, people sometimes shout "nooo!" while using a fire extinguisher ON a fire, so onlookers might not be able to hear, OR they might think they're shouting in response to the extinguisher! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aha, I know you're only trying to |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I really wish I'd invented fire extinguishers or something. Man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It would be a great way to be remembered every time someone puts out a fire! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Another shot at immortality, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not really! I just would like to be thought of fondly once in a while. Every time someone puts out a fire would be often enough for me! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Do you know who really did invent the fire extinguisher though, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But, you know, that's his fault, right? He didn't CAPITALIZE on it. But I would have! I'd have the extinguishers say "Remember T-Rex? He was so great, wasn't he guys?" every time they were use. Just a soft reminder - nothing too loud! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Huh. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A REVELATION: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ALTHOUGH, people sometimes shout "nooo!" while using a fire extinguisher ON a fire, so onlookers might not be able to hear, OR they might think they're shouting in response to the extinguisher! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It would only add to the confusion. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOCIALISM COMICS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh-kay! Socialism is when people share the means of production and stuff. Everyone works together for the common good! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... for some reason! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Haha! See what I did there, Dromiceiomimus? I implied that socialism is flawed because people don't really have a motivation to share with each other. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It's a tragic flaw of our characters that we don't share as often, or as equally, as we should. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, that - that was my joke. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Making fun of our fundamental flaws, are we? Classy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Holy, why is everyone so touchy about the tragic and fundamental flaws of their nature today? I'm sorry we all don't share enough, but I'm not going to IGNORE it and hope it goes away. I deal with the issues! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Not hardly! You can't deal with the "issue" of socialism by just summing it up in a few sentences! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] True! But I can sum it up in a play involving everyone wanting some of my delicious ice cream cone! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HE GAVE THEM THE TOOLS THEY NEEDED FOR LIFE SUCCESS. |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOCIALISM COMICS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh-kay! Socialism is when people share the means of production and stuff. Everyone works together for the common good! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... for some reason! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Haha! See what I did there, Dromiceiomimus? I implied that socialism is flawed because people don't really have a motivation to share with each other. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It's a tragic flaw of our characters that we don't share as often, or as equally, as we should. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, that - that was my joke. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Making fun of our fundamental flaws, are we? Classy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Holy, why is everyone so touchy about the tragic and fundamental flaws of their nature today? I'm sorry we all don't share enough, but I'm not going to IGNORE it and hope it goes away. I deal with the issues! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Not hardly! You can't deal with the "issue" of socialism by just summing it up in a few sentences! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] True! But I can sum it up in a play involving everyone wanting some of my delicious ice cream cone! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then we all decide to pitch in and take |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] VALENTINE'S DAY EVE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, this time for sure! I will avoid any troubles on Valentine's Day by simply IGNORING it. I will deny this manufactured holiday its very existence! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Have I, perhaps, solved the "Valentine's Day Problem" once and for all? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aww! That's kind of sad, T-rex. What if someone give you a so-bad-they're-good valentine, like those little ones with pictures of cars that say things like "I wheelie like you"? Would you really want to turn those down? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh! I actually hadn't considered ironic valentines, which I do like. Hmm... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And what if someone wants you to be their valentine for real? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well...! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Seriously! What happens if a gorgeous, intelligent, funny woman asks you to be her valentine tomorrow? Are you going to shoot her down because you're denying that Valentine's Day exists? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My friend, I will handle that situation by simply "ignoring my principles" and "reversing my position". [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ANYWAY, T-REX ENDS UP SPENDING VALENTINE'S DAY ALONE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Unless, of course, the threat actually exists... |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] VALENTINE'S DAY EVE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, this time for sure! I will avoid any troubles on Valentine's Day by simply IGNORING it. I will deny this manufactured holiday its very existence! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Have I, perhaps, solved the "Valentine's Day Problem" once and for all? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aww! That's kind of sad, T-rex. What if someone give you a so-bad-they're-good valentine, like those little ones with pictures of cars that say things like "I wheelie like you"? Would you really want to turn those down? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh! I actually hadn't considered ironic valentines, which I do like. Hmm... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And what if someone wants you to be their valentine for real? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well...! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Seriously! What happens if a gorgeous, intelligent, funny woman asks you to be her valentine tomorrow? Are you going to shoot her down because you're denying that Valentine's Day exists? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My friend, I will handle that situation by simply "ignoring my principles" and "reversing my position". [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ANYWAY, T-REX ENDS UP SPENDING VALENTINE'S DAY ALONE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] {{thinking}} Why do they call it "lactose |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A singularity refers to a future moment when we create artificial intelligences that are smarter than we are. It's called this because things will be so different, it's impossible to predict past it. Everything will change! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For instance: these smart machines could make even smarter machines! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And so on until we have super duper smart machines that will look on us as mere playthings. Will they destroy us? Or will we merge ourselves with technology, and in doing so become a new, more cybernetic lifeform? Our choices seem limited to either becoming something new, or facing irrelevance and obsolescence! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So why does a super intelligent AI make predictions impossible? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because too much has changed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also because we're too dumb. It'd be like a dog trying to predict what its owner does. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think most dogs can do that with some accuracy, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Right. Well "#8212; I've never really been one for "apt analogies". [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX IS TELLING THE TRUTH: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Check it! Eating food in bed is like "#8212; a crappy duck? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, house-themed puns come |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A singularity refers to a future moment when we create artificial intelligences that are smarter than we are. It's called this because things will be so different, it's impossible to predict past it. Everything will change! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For instance: these smart machines could make even smarter machines! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And so on until we have super duper smart machines that will look on us as mere playthings. Will they destroy us? Or will we merge ourselves with technology, and in doing so become a new, more cybernetic lifeform? Our choices seem limited to either becoming something new, or facing irrelevance and obsolescence! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So why does a super intelligent AI make predictions impossible? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because too much has changed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also because we're too dumb. It'd be like a dog trying to predict what its owner does. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think most dogs can do that with some accuracy, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Right. Well "#8212; I've never really been one for "apt analogies". [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX IS TELLING THE TRUTH: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Check it! Eating food in bed is like "#8212; a crappy duck? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What the heck, everyone? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I would never want to get pregnant. Having to worry about what I eat because there's a baby GROWING inside me? No thanks! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "A MALE PERSPECTIVE" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] There's nothing bad about that, T-Rex! It's a special experience and you could probably stand to eat better anyway! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The cravings would be a good excuse for eating all the damn bread, but still! Too much RESPONSIBILITY. I'm dangerously carefree! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why are we talking about this? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No reason, just "#8212; sharing! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well as none of us can get pregnant because, oh hey, we're not female mammals, it's not something I'd expect you to worry about! "I'd never want to be a dividing cell, because there'd be two of me and we'd be tiny." "#8212;T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't recall saying that!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "I have smelly pants." "#8212;Utahraptor. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "I love the taste of chocochops!" "#8212;T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No worries! I will teach it the MADness of its actions through zillions of tied games of Tic-Tac-Toe! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I would never want to get pregnant. Having to worry about what I eat because there's a baby GROWING inside me? No thanks! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "A MALE PERSPECTIVE" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] There's nothing bad about that, T-Rex! It's a special experience and you could probably stand to eat better anyway! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The cravings would be a good excuse for eating all the damn bread, but still! Too much RESPONSIBILITY. I'm dangerously carefree! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why are we talking about this? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No reason, just "#8212; sharing! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well as none of us can get pregnant because, oh hey, we're not female mammals, it's not something I'd expect you to worry about! "I'd never want to be a dividing cell, because there'd be two of me and we'd be tiny." "#8212;T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't recall saying that!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "I have smelly pants." "#8212;Utahraptor. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "I love the taste of chocochops!" "#8212;T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! They are molded chocolate pork chops with a real pork chop bone. Am I now to apologize |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everybody wants to be remarkable! Here are some awesome ways to be remarkable: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The first is to go further in something than anyone has before! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For example, maybe you could eat a whole lot of goldfish or swallow tons of orange juice? Simply think of something people already do, then think of a reasonable limit to that activity, and THEN shoot past it! It's the "go further than anybody else would ever want to" technique! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Remarkable? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Precisely! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Do you think everyone wants to be remarkable, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aww! Shooting down my ideas? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No! I didn't mean to. I was just wondering if you thought everyone wants to be unique, or if some can be satisfied with just a simple life, quietly well lived. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I suppose the idea of remarkability ties in with a desire for fame, which I SUSPECT is merely a corruption of wanting to be respected. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So yeah! I can see wanting to be respected but not wanting to be remarkable - it almost seems nobler than otherwise. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I imagine that is very true! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everybody wants to be remarkable! Here are some awesome ways to be remarkable: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The first is to go further in something than anyone has before! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For example, maybe you could eat a whole lot of goldfish or swallow tons of orange juice? Simply think of something people already do, then think of a reasonable limit to that activity, and THEN shoot past it! It's the "go further than anybody else would ever want to" technique! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Remarkable? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Precisely! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Do you think everyone wants to be remarkable, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aww! Shooting down my ideas? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No! I didn't mean to. I was just wondering if you thought everyone wants to be unique, or if some can be satisfied with just a simple life, quietly well lived. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I suppose the idea of remarkability ties in with a desire for fame, which I SUSPECT is merely a corruption of wanting to be respected. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So yeah! I can see wanting to be respected but not wanting to be remarkable - it almost seems nobler than otherwise. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You can ALSO be remarkable by, |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, God, would you still hang out with me if I didn't have any friends? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HAHA NOPE [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WHAT IF I HAD NO FRIENDS COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] starring t-rex the dinosaur [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm serious! I figure it's harder to make that first friend than it is to make the 20th, and I'm concerned that if I moved to a new town where I didn't know anybody, I wouldn't have any friends. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You're good at making friends though, T-Rex! You're not shy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But that's just it "#8212; I'm just not shy among FRIENDS! It is a catch 22 in my social life! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, how did you make friends the first time? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't remember, man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I must have been two years old or something. But I've used that first friend as a seed to get me all my other friends and now I have this irrational fear that my house of cards will come crashing down around me! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! Looks like you'd better be EXTRA nice to us then! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait. Wait "#8212; I have the solution! All we have to do is make a legally binding promise to be best friends forever, purely out of fear of being alone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, I figured it |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, God, would you still hang out with me if I didn't have any friends? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HAHA NOPE [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WHAT IF I HAD NO FRIENDS COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] starring t-rex the dinosaur [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm serious! I figure it's harder to make that first friend than it is to make the 20th, and I'm concerned that if I moved to a new town where I didn't know anybody, I wouldn't have any friends. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You're good at making friends though, T-Rex! You're not shy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But that's just it "#8212; I'm just not shy among FRIENDS! It is a catch 22 in my social life! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, how did you make friends the first time? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't remember, man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I must have been two years old or something. But I've used that first friend as a seed to get me all my other friends and now I have this irrational fear that my house of cards will come crashing down around me! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! Looks like you'd better be EXTRA nice to us then! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait. Wait "#8212; I have the solution! All we have to do is make a legally binding promise to be best friends forever, purely out of fear of being alone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] T- That's attractive, right? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am no longer worried about not having any friends if I move to a new town. I have turned a crisis into an opportunity! An opportunity... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... for personal reinvention! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The key is that nobody will know me in this new town, which means I could be whomever I want! If I present myself as a grizzled prospector, no one will be able to say otherwise! I could be a race car driver! I could be a LIBRARY SCIENTIST. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But - you couldn't get a job at a library, bceause you wouldn't ACTUALLY know library science. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I could pretend! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you'd move to a new town just to start a life of LIES? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I mean no! It wouldn't be lying: it would be REINVENTION. I would be the Star Trek: The Next Generation to my present "original series". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But instead of androids you'd have prospectors, and fake librarians. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! In all seriousness, it would let me put behind myself aspects of my past that I'm not happy with. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Like chocochops? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And that makes me the love interest! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am no longer worried about not having any friends if I move to a new town. I have turned a crisis into an opportunity! An opportunity... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... for personal reinvention! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The key is that nobody will know me in this new town, which means I could be whomever I want! If I present myself as a grizzled prospector, no one will be able to say otherwise! I could be a race car driver! I could be a LIBRARY SCIENTIST. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But - you couldn't get a job at a library, bceause you wouldn't ACTUALLY know library science. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I could pretend! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you'd move to a new town just to start a life of LIES? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I mean no! It wouldn't be lying: it would be REINVENTION. I would be the Star Trek: The Next Generation to my present "original series". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But instead of androids you'd have prospectors, and fake librarians. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! In all seriousness, it would let me put behind myself aspects of my past that I'm not happy with. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Like chocochops? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like everything I've EVER DONE WRONG OH |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I saw the greatest TV show last night. It ruled! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It SUCKED! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am using the second "it" to refer to my entire experience watching the show, of course, and not to the show in particular. The program was exactly the sort of thing I had long wanted to see on television! I HAD vaguely sort of planned to maybe try my hand at writing television, but there's no point now, because the talent behind last night's episode have accomplished all that I would have like to have done. THANKS TELEVISION INDUSTRY. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I would like to extrapolate this up to the societal level! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Please do! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] WELL! Things are great for society but it sort of sucks for the individual, because we can flawlessly record and cheaply reproduce all transcendent artistic work. So as an artist, you no longer have to be the best in your village, you have to be the best in the world! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But - I suppose it's not quite as bad as all that, since different people DO have different tastes. What was the name of this show you liked so much? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps you missed |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I saw the greatest TV show last night. It ruled! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It SUCKED! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am using the second "it" to refer to my entire experience watching the show, of course, and not to the show in particular. The program was exactly the sort of thing I had long wanted to see on television! I HAD vaguely sort of planned to maybe try my hand at writing television, but there's no point now, because the talent behind last night's episode have accomplished all that I would have like to have done. THANKS TELEVISION INDUSTRY. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I would like to extrapolate this up to the societal level! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Please do! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] WELL! Things are great for society but it sort of sucks for the individual, because we can flawlessly record and cheaply reproduce all transcendent artistic work. So as an artist, you no longer have to be the best in your village, you have to be the best in the world! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But - I suppose it's not quite as bad as all that, since different people DO have different tastes. What was the name of this show you liked so much? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Babies Sporting Monocles"? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear poets, I am sorry I've been making fun of your craft for over 20 years. It is actually harder than it looks! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AN APOLOGY TO [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] POETS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have been trying, UNSUCCESSFULLY, to write a poem for the past half hour. I am trying to capture the emotion of getting up early in winter, during a heavy snowfall, and going for a walk and coming across a set of traffic lights (the kind that switch automatically) controlling traffic that isn't there, traffic that won't be there for hours. The sense of seeing them as art, of watching them through the snowfall in the crisp dusk of a new day. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So let's hear what you've written so far! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, but I warn you: it is unfinished. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Once upon a time / Some traffic lights did time / Colours on the snow / Where oh where did they all go?" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah hah! That is definitely the worst poem I've heard all day. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah? Well, not if I do... THIS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Dancing is crazy; fun to do / Would you like to dance? Yes, you!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's actually way better than the last one. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The earth's orbiting around the sun, but our sun |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear poets, I am sorry I've been making fun of your craft for over 20 years. It is actually harder than it looks! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AN APOLOGY TO [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] POETS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have been trying, UNSUCCESSFULLY, to write a poem for the past half hour. I am trying to capture the emotion of getting up early in winter, during a heavy snowfall, and going for a walk and coming across a set of traffic lights (the kind that switch automatically) controlling traffic that isn't there, traffic that won't be there for hours. The sense of seeing them as art, of watching them through the snowfall in the crisp dusk of a new day. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So let's hear what you've written so far! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, but I warn you: it is unfinished. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Once upon a time / Some traffic lights did time / Colours on the snow / Where oh where did they all go?" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah hah! That is definitely the worst poem I've heard all day. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah? Well, not if I do... THIS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Dancing is crazy; fun to do / Would you like to dance? Yes, you!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's actually way better than the last one. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Are there cash awards for poetry, do you know? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Goodness, I haven't been on very many wacky adventures lately. It's time to change that! It's time for - [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "ANOTHER WACKY ADVENTURE" [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] with t-rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, want to go on a wacky adventure with me? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Sure! But this will probably need some planning. We'll need to plan out what we want to do each day, and where, so we can maximize our adventure. We'll need some provisions, too. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's - that's true. It is best to be sensible about wack adventures. Maybe I'll get back to you in a week? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] My friend, you have to be WACKY to go on a wacky adventure [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm wacky! I'm ultra wacky. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't know - it seems like a TRULY wacky guy would just set out for adventure, planning be damned. Hey - you know what? Let's just get up and go on an adventure, right now! You and me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well - sure! Okay! Okay, yeah, let's just - you know, set out. For adventure. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: WACKINESS!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey everyone! You know what |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Goodness, I haven't been on very many wacky adventures lately. It's time to change that! It's time for - [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "ANOTHER WACKY ADVENTURE" [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] with t-rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, want to go on a wacky adventure with me? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Sure! But this will probably need some planning. We'll need to plan out what we want to do each day, and where, so we can maximize our adventure. We'll need some provisions, too. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's - that's true. It is best to be sensible about wack adventures. Maybe I'll get back to you in a week? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] My friend, you have to be WACKY to go on a wacky adventure [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm wacky! I'm ultra wacky. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't know - it seems like a TRULY wacky guy would just set out for adventure, planning be damned. Hey - you know what? Let's just get up and go on an adventure, right now! You and me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well - sure! Okay! Okay, yeah, let's just - you know, set out. For adventure. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: WACKINESS!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! Diseases in the WATER? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WAYS TO MAKE SOMEONE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] in this instalment: "JUST ASKING" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Can you just ASK someone to fall in love with you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But! If directly asking them doesn't work, what about thousands and thousands of implied requests? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What do you mean? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if everything I did was expressly designed to make a certain someone love me? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's so manipulative, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's not manipulative! It's ADORING. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't know - I'm really not comfortable with such intent towards love! It all seems so calculating and shrewd somehow. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's simply directing my self-development towards an end result I imagine my target would be happy with, as if to say, "how about now?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait, did I say "my target"? I mean my soulmate! My sweetheart. My mark! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The COMMERCIALS! The deals on three-ringed binders! I just want to be a part of that. |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WAYS TO MAKE SOMEONE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] in this instalment: "JUST ASKING" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Can you just ASK someone to fall in love with you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But! If directly asking them doesn't work, what about thousands and thousands of implied requests? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What do you mean? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if everything I did was expressly designed to make a certain someone love me? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's so manipulative, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's not manipulative! It's ADORING. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't know - I'm really not comfortable with such intent towards love! It all seems so calculating and shrewd somehow. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's simply directing my self-development towards an end result I imagine my target would be happy with, as if to say, "how about now?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait, did I say "my target"? I mean my soulmate! My sweetheart. My mark! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My thesis is that when a guy is like, "am I finally good enough?", chicks totally |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Bisexuality can lead to all sorts of new and exciting self-labels! Labels like "biknowledgeable"! "Bisensitive"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Bidisillusioned!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah, SWEET. Sorry it's not working out, bidisillusioned dude!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex, I'm not sure if this is fair to bisexuals. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But Dromiceiomimus, there's also being bianxious. And being bitraumatized! BISCANDALIZATION. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How BISTONISHING! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I somehow doubt that real bisexuals prefix all their words with "bi", T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Of course not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's just the verbs. And the adjectives. Anyway, I think I know what real bisexuals do. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How's that? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For your information, I have read SEVERAL websites on the subject. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For instance, did you know that whenever women are alone they have pillow fights, and then they practise kissing on each other? I've seen the pictures! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I mean - I mean my friend has seen the pictures. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, but the mailman doesn't know |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Bisexuality can lead to all sorts of new and exciting self-labels! Labels like "biknowledgeable"! "Bisensitive"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Bidisillusioned!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah, SWEET. Sorry it's not working out, bidisillusioned dude!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex, I'm not sure if this is fair to bisexuals. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But Dromiceiomimus, there's also being bianxious. And being bitraumatized! BISCANDALIZATION. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How BISTONISHING! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I somehow doubt that real bisexuals prefix all their words with "bi", T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Of course not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's just the verbs. And the adjectives. Anyway, I think I know what real bisexuals do. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How's that? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For your information, I have read SEVERAL websites on the subject. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For instance, did you know that whenever women are alone they have pillow fights, and then they practise kissing on each other? I've seen the pictures! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I mean - I mean my friend has seen the pictures. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] IT'S FOR A PROJECT FOR SCHOOL. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yes, I have an idea for the Best Victimless Prank Ever! Plus it'll give a cashier a good story to tell. Dromiceiomimus, you've got to help me on this one. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, there you are! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Here I am! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I need your help with a prank. The prank is, we all get some really fake stick-on moustaches even though we're all of age, THEN we put them on and go into a convenience store and we all buy ADULT PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES!! Hee hee! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, can I get in on this prank too? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure can!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] SWEET. I'll come in wearing a moustache after you guys leave, but I'll just buy some milk! That way, the guy at the cash'll be expecting me to hilariously buy some pornos, but no, I'll just buy the milk. Maybe some cheese. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's do it! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: A MOMENT OF REFLECTION. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have finally come up with a way to become immortal! It's perfect, because I don't have to do anything except DIE, and |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yes, I have an idea for the Best Victimless Prank Ever! Plus it'll give a cashier a good story to tell. Dromiceiomimus, you've got to help me on this one. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, there you are! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Here I am! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I need your help with a prank. The prank is, we all get some really fake stick-on moustaches even though we're all of age, THEN we put them on and go into a convenience store and we all buy ADULT PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES!! Hee hee! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, can I get in on this prank too? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure can!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] SWEET. I'll come in wearing a moustache after you guys leave, but I'll just buy some milk! That way, the guy at the cash'll be expecting me to hilariously buy some pornos, but no, I'll just buy the milk. Maybe some cheese. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's do it! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: A MOMENT OF REFLECTION. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Buying this magazine made me feel dirty and ashamed! Have I once again thoughtlessly aided the exploitation of our nation's topless lesbian teens? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who would win in a fight, Superman or Batman? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The answer is "Batman"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyone who doubts this need only remember that Batman is really smart, and that they're probably wrong. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Superman has strength! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Batman has BATMAN SKILLS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, Superman could kill Batman before Bats even knew the fight had started! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, he'd know. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Only because you're assuming he's omniscient. The dude has to sleep! Sueprman could laser him from orbit while he's having nappy times. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Batman doesn't have "nappy times"!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sure he does! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Every time he sleeps he puts a sign on his dor that says "Warning: Nappy Times! Enter only if you have a valid passport to dreamland!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OH GOD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then she takes the narrator's money when |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who would win in a fight, Superman or Batman? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The answer is "Batman"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyone who doubts this need only remember that Batman is really smart, and that they're probably wrong. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Superman has strength! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Batman has BATMAN SKILLS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, Superman could kill Batman before Bats even knew the fight had started! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, he'd know. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Only because you're assuming he's omniscient. The dude has to sleep! Sueprman could laser him from orbit while he's having nappy times. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Batman doesn't have "nappy times"!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sure he does! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Every time he sleeps he puts a sign on his dor that says "Warning: Nappy Times! Enter only if you have a valid passport to dreamland!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OH GOD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OUR FRIENDSHIP HAS NEVER BEEN SO ENDANGERED |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, have they ever made a video game where you get to control a car and your goal is to get it to grow up into a bigger car? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because they TOTALLY should! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And so it's like - you need to care for your car to make it grow up into a truck and then an SUV and if you're lucky a monster truck. Maybe a plane. Weird cars grow up into boats. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So it's like a pet, but instead of being cute, it pollutes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! People are TIRED of animals as pets. They want cars that age! I know because I played a game once and that's what I wanted. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But what's the gameplay mechanic? How does it work? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, I already said! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You take care of little cars and then they grow up into awesome cars or stupid-lookin' boats. The end! Fifty points! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What do you actually DO in the game, though? Do I take my car on nice country drives? Give it drinks of gas and feed it nice oil treats? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Oil treats"? Come on! It's called "CHANGING THE OIL", and it gets you a +1 happiness in Car Car Simulator Trucko Boat 3. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] First disease: fatal familial insomnia! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, have they ever made a video game where you get to control a car and your goal is to get it to grow up into a bigger car? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because they TOTALLY should! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And so it's like - you need to care for your car to make it grow up into a truck and then an SUV and if you're lucky a monster truck. Maybe a plane. Weird cars grow up into boats. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So it's like a pet, but instead of being cute, it pollutes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! People are TIRED of animals as pets. They want cars that age! I know because I played a game once and that's what I wanted. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But what's the gameplay mechanic? How does it work? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, I already said! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You take care of little cars and then they grow up into awesome cars or stupid-lookin' boats. The end! Fifty points! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What do you actually DO in the game, though? Do I take my car on nice country drives? Give it drinks of gas and feed it nice oil treats? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Oil treats"? Come on! It's called "CHANGING THE OIL", and it gets you a +1 happiness in Car Car Simulator Trucko Boat 3. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Will no-one make my video |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE DROMICEIOMIMUS HAS A SECRET SUPERHERO IDENTITY, BUT T-REX SERIOUSLY KEEPS BLABBING ABOUT IT TO PEOPLE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What a beautiful, crime-free, vigilante-filled day! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, hellow, Dromiceiomimus! I hear you had a. . . SUPER day today? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex, sshhh! Keep your voice down! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whoops, right! I gotcha. I will keep things "on the down low". It's our secret! Our secret IDENTITY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Our - our secret. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SCANT SECONDS LATER: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, have you seen Dromiceiomimus today? I hear she's got a secret! A secret one might even classify as. . . "super"? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Are you saying what I think you're saying?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, I'm just SUGGESTING that if a building falls on you, you might want to call her first. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, I bet if I went a week without showering, |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE DROMICEIOMIMUS HAS A SECRET SUPERHERO IDENTITY, BUT T-REX SERIOUSLY KEEPS BLABBING ABOUT IT TO PEOPLE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What a beautiful, crime-free, vigilante-filled day! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, hellow, Dromiceiomimus! I hear you had a. . . SUPER day today? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex, sshhh! Keep your voice down! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whoops, right! I gotcha. I will keep things "on the down low". It's our secret! Our secret IDENTITY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Our - our secret. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SCANT SECONDS LATER: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, have you seen Dromiceiomimus today? I hear she's got a secret! A secret one might even classify as. . . "super"? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Are you saying what I think you're saying?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, I'm just SUGGESTING that if a building falls on you, you might want to call her first. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I seriously just can't stop blabbing about Dromiceiomimus's secret identity! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear guy whose car alarm went off last night outside my window at three in the morning: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Forget you, man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Your car alarm is ridiculous. Years of trigger-happy alarms have trained the public to ignore them, and nobody would care if your tastelessly noisy car got stolen anyway. If someone had driven off in it last night as the alarm was blaring, I would have applauded him! THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY SENSE OF CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Would you really have been happy if the car got stolen? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The honest answer is "heck yes!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I would have smiled as I drifted back to nappy times. But in my defence, I was really tired! Plus, the guy was a jerk. He was all, "Man, if my car gets stolen, I want the WHOLE BLOCK to know! My car is totally important to everybody." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Maybe the alarm came with the car? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ANYWAY, THEY TALK ABOUT CAR ALARMS FOR A WHILE, UNTIL A REALLY ATTRACTIVE FRIEND OF THEIRS SHOWS UP! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man! Let's go to the beach and hang out in flattering swimsuits! [SPEAKER] ATTRACTIVE FRIEND [LINE] Sounds like fun, guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I want to know for sure who I |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear guy whose car alarm went off last night outside my window at three in the morning: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Forget you, man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Your car alarm is ridiculous. Years of trigger-happy alarms have trained the public to ignore them, and nobody would care if your tastelessly noisy car got stolen anyway. If someone had driven off in it last night as the alarm was blaring, I would have applauded him! THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY SENSE OF CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Would you really have been happy if the car got stolen? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The honest answer is "heck yes!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I would have smiled as I drifted back to nappy times. But in my defence, I was really tired! Plus, the guy was a jerk. He was all, "Man, if my car gets stolen, I want the WHOLE BLOCK to know! My car is totally important to everybody." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Maybe the alarm came with the car? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ANYWAY, THEY TALK ABOUT CAR ALARMS FOR A WHILE, UNTIL A REALLY ATTRACTIVE FRIEND OF THEIRS SHOWS UP! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man! Let's go to the beach and hang out in flattering swimsuits! [SPEAKER] ATTRACTIVE FRIEND [LINE] Sounds like fun, guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now THIS is what I call "an interesting narrative"! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Live every day like it's your last." How hard could it be? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Upon closer inspection, forget THAT noise! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not going to live my life according to a dumb clich? saying, and anyway, IF I DID, it would be ridiculous because I'd either end up spending each day in increasing terror trying to do something universally memorable, or, more heartwarming, spending each and every day thanking my friends for their love and watching the sunset while quietly weeping! NO THANKS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you're not going to do either of those things today? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guarantee it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah well! That's too bad. Dromiceiomimus and I had some plans tonight to watch the sunset while quietly weeping. We were going to invite you, but nope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? I find the existence of those plans DOUBTFUL. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WELL, for that you'll have to buy |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Live every day like it's your last." How hard could it be? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Upon closer inspection, forget THAT noise! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not going to live my life according to a dumb clich? saying, and anyway, IF I DID, it would be ridiculous because I'd either end up spending each day in increasing terror trying to do something universally memorable, or, more heartwarming, spending each and every day thanking my friends for their love and watching the sunset while quietly weeping! NO THANKS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you're not going to do either of those things today? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guarantee it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah well! That's too bad. Dromiceiomimus and I had some plans tonight to watch the sunset while quietly weeping. We were going to invite you, but nope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? I find the existence of those plans DOUBTFUL. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man, a sunset! Boo hoo hoo! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will become rich and famous by becoming the world's best baker. My flagship product will be brilliant! It will be rich, delicious, low-fat... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...gender rolls! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hee hee! Get it , Dromiceiomimus? They're rolls, like bun rolls, but also GENDER rolls! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So they're shaped like naughty bits? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, those are sex rolls. Gender rolls are shaped like housewives and firemen! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And shaped rolls will make you rich and famous? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, it is certain! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They're animal crackers for a new generation. Come on! It's a great pun, PLUS, every time you go into my bakery you can choose your own gender roll! It's brilliant! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Do people HAVE to choose a gender roll? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They do if they want to use the washrooms, dammit. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ha! I have made a hilarious typographic error! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because if so, I approve 100%! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will become rich and famous by becoming the world's best baker. My flagship product will be brilliant! It will be rich, delicious, low-fat... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...gender rolls! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hee hee! Get it , Dromiceiomimus? They're rolls, like bun rolls, but also GENDER rolls! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So they're shaped like naughty bits? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, those are sex rolls. Gender rolls are shaped like housewives and firemen! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And shaped rolls will make you rich and famous? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, it is certain! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They're animal crackers for a new generation. Come on! It's a great pun, PLUS, every time you go into my bakery you can choose your own gender roll! It's brilliant! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Do people HAVE to choose a gender roll? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They do if they want to use the washrooms, dammit. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ha! I have made a hilarious typographic error! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BUT HOW TO PROFIT FROM IT? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Primitivism is the artistic and cultural idea that prehistorical and tribal societies were, and are, better that modern societies. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay guys! Whatever! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The trouble I have with primitivism is the half-assed way it's always evoked: it's this simplified idea of "primitive" cultures, where some things get highlighted while a lot of detail gets ignored or obliterated completely. All the women were totally topless and all the men wore body paint and hunted with spears! Life was good in the forest! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Primitivism has this strange semi-positive racism attached to it too. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Semi-positive? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah! You exaggerate traits as you often do with racism, but you make them positive things instead of negative. Natives were better because they were all stoic and noble and loved Mother Nature. Okay, great, but what if you're native and you're not like that? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Comedy ensues! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR (OFFSCREEN) [LINE] Whoah, did I say "comedy"? I meant to say "an encounter with prejudice about model minorities". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've actually done that too! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Primitivism is the artistic and cultural idea that prehistorical and tribal societies were, and are, better that modern societies. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay guys! Whatever! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The trouble I have with primitivism is the half-assed way it's always evoked: it's this simplified idea of "primitive" cultures, where some things get highlighted while a lot of detail gets ignored or obliterated completely. All the women were totally topless and all the men wore body paint and hunted with spears! Life was good in the forest! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Primitivism has this strange semi-positive racism attached to it too. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Semi-positive? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah! You exaggerate traits as you often do with racism, but you make them positive things instead of negative. Natives were better because they were all stoic and noble and loved Mother Nature. Okay, great, but what if you're native and you're not like that? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Comedy ensues! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR (OFFSCREEN) [LINE] Whoah, did I say "comedy"? I meant to say "an encounter with prejudice about model minorities". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, you're always screwing those |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Zombies! Everyone loves zombies. They are a window onto the Other! They let us face our fears of society in a way that is accessible and compelling, as well as accessibly and compellingly cannibalistic! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY T-REX CAN YOU SUMMARIZE THAT IN ONE SENTENCE FOR ME [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] T-Rex loves zombies! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think what I love best about them is when they're used to represent mindless behaviour in our own society. For example, if instead of me, we saw a ZOMBIE DINOSAUR stomping on this house, then wow! Suddenly stomping on things is highlighted as maybe something we should think about more! Are we really acting that thoughtless when we stomp on things? Thanks for the eye opener, dinosaur zombies! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I bet you like all your social commentary to incorporate endless hunger for the flesh of the living! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When feasible, anyway. I ALSO really like it when zombies catch someone and tear them apart, and the person is all "O no, zombies! My day is ruined!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] PERSONALLY, I really like how when you wanted something zombies could show as "bad", you chose stomping on things. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, that's just because it was a convenient example! I am still ENTIRELY IN FAVOUR of stomping on things. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You could have timed this yourself! I guess this is kind of an unnecessary favor. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Zombies! Everyone loves zombies. They are a window onto the Other! They let us face our fears of society in a way that is accessible and compelling, as well as accessibly and compellingly cannibalistic! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY T-REX CAN YOU SUMMARIZE THAT IN ONE SENTENCE FOR ME [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] T-Rex loves zombies! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think what I love best about them is when they're used to represent mindless behaviour in our own society. For example, if instead of me, we saw a ZOMBIE DINOSAUR stomping on this house, then wow! Suddenly stomping on things is highlighted as maybe something we should think about more! Are we really acting that thoughtless when we stomp on things? Thanks for the eye opener, dinosaur zombies! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I bet you like all your social commentary to incorporate endless hunger for the flesh of the living! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When feasible, anyway. I ALSO really like it when zombies catch someone and tear them apart, and the person is all "O no, zombies! My day is ruined!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] PERSONALLY, I really like how when you wanted something zombies could show as "bad", you chose stomping on things. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, that's just because it was a convenient example! I am still ENTIRELY IN FAVOUR of stomping on things. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In other news, will the illustrative power of zombies forever be fumbled in my mighty |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SOCIoLOGICAL THEORY: We, as a people, have lost the "big picture", worrying more about problems at home than problems that affect us on a planetary scale! We have lost a sense of global purpose. And I have proof! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Proof in the form of lyrics from POPULAR MUSIC, baby! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What makes you think this, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Popular music! I just said. Popular music. Because in the 60s it was all, "everyone around the world, join hands", but recently, it's all "people in the house, say 'wayoooh'" or whatever. We are singularly focused on rooms in houses and have forgotten the rest of the world! Theory: incontestably proven? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Theory: probably just an attempt to somehow pick up chicks by T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No way dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My theory is both funny AND accurate, and I believe you diss stems from the fact that you're JUST JEALOUS of how I pick up chicks with my fine, fine theories. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What chick? Where are all the chicks? We're two dudes and we're alone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I told you before! THEIR CAR BROKE DOWN. The chicks were all coming to hang out with me in the same car to save on gas, and it broke down. That is what happens to cars sometimes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... Man, it would have been way |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SOCIoLOGICAL THEORY: We, as a people, have lost the "big picture", worrying more about problems at home than problems that affect us on a planetary scale! We have lost a sense of global purpose. And I have proof! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Proof in the form of lyrics from POPULAR MUSIC, baby! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What makes you think this, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Popular music! I just said. Popular music. Because in the 60s it was all, "everyone around the world, join hands", but recently, it's all "people in the house, say 'wayoooh'" or whatever. We are singularly focused on rooms in houses and have forgotten the rest of the world! Theory: incontestably proven? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Theory: probably just an attempt to somehow pick up chicks by T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No way dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My theory is both funny AND accurate, and I believe you diss stems from the fact that you're JUST JEALOUS of how I pick up chicks with my fine, fine theories. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What chick? Where are all the chicks? We're two dudes and we're alone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I told you before! THEIR CAR BROKE DOWN. The chicks were all coming to hang out with me in the same car to save on gas, and it broke down. That is what happens to cars sometimes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Even chicks are subject to ENTROPY, man. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've come up with the best idea ever! Oh my goodness. LAUNDRY BAGS WITH GIANT GREEN DOLLAR SIGNS ON THEM. Hah hah! Am I robbing a bank in a cartoon or am I doing my laundry? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] IT IS DIFFICULT TO TELL! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Are you planning to sell these bags to people who want to turn every laundry day into a chance for arrest, AND ALSO to those nostalgic for the charming visual shorthands of early cartoons? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am indeed! Or at least, I was indeed, until I realized that you could just make your own with just a little fabric paint and a working knowledge of what dollar signs looks like. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I actually think this has been done before, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw man, really? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I did kinda suspect it might've been done before, since it seemed like a really funny idea, but I've never seen any such laundry bags! I'll just claim to have INDEPENDENTLY invented them. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Like how Alexander Graham Bell and that other dude both independently invented the telephone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! I will be that other dude! I will be forever immortalized as a "second place finisher" in history. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because if you accept |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've come up with the best idea ever! Oh my goodness. LAUNDRY BAGS WITH GIANT GREEN DOLLAR SIGNS ON THEM. Hah hah! Am I robbing a bank in a cartoon or am I doing my laundry? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] IT IS DIFFICULT TO TELL! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Are you planning to sell these bags to people who want to turn every laundry day into a chance for arrest, AND ALSO to those nostalgic for the charming visual shorthands of early cartoons? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am indeed! Or at least, I was indeed, until I realized that you could just make your own with just a little fabric paint and a working knowledge of what dollar signs looks like. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I actually think this has been done before, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw man, really? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I did kinda suspect it might've been done before, since it seemed like a really funny idea, but I've never seen any such laundry bags! I'll just claim to have INDEPENDENTLY invented them. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Like how Alexander Graham Bell and that other dude both independently invented the telephone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! I will be that other dude! I will be forever immortalized as a "second place finisher" in history. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait, no, that sucks! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] New bike day is when everybody gets new bikes! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] NEW BIKE DAY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Woo! New bike day! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then, after we all get the new bikes, do you know what happens? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What happens? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What happens is we all receive gold medals for having such nice bikes! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now, we DEFINITELY have to name our bikes. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I've got my name picked out! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] My bike will be called "Susan". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My bike will be called "Sexual Intercourse: The Bike"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] MAN. That's a good name too. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys, guys - our gold medals are made of solid and delicious CHOCOLATE!! I'm SO GLAD new bike day truly exists here, in the real world. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, according to some religions, GOD |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] New bike day is when everybody gets new bikes! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] NEW BIKE DAY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Woo! New bike day! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then, after we all get the new bikes, do you know what happens? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What happens? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What happens is we all receive gold medals for having such nice bikes! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now, we DEFINITELY have to name our bikes. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I've got my name picked out! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] My bike will be called "Susan". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My bike will be called "Sexual Intercourse: The Bike"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] MAN. That's a good name too. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys, guys - our gold medals are made of solid and delicious CHOCOLATE!! I'm SO GLAD new bike day truly exists here, in the real world. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's hear it for reality, huh? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I FEEL LIKE I DON'T REALLY HAVE A SOLID OPINION ON THE REALLY BIG INTERNATIONAL ISSUES. THERE'S SO MUCH TO THEM - SO MUCH NUANCE! HOW CAN I HAVE A DEFENSIBLE OPINION ON SOMETHING I DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HOWEVER! I DO HAVE MANY UNSOLICITED OPINIONS ON SMALLER, LOCAL ISSUES! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THOSE ISSUES I CAN UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY, AND THERE I DON'T FEEL LIKE SOMEONE WHO JUST HAPPENS TO KNOW THEIR STUFF BETTER COULD BEST ME IN AN ARGUMENT. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] WHAT KIND OF ISSUES ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OH, YOU KNOW - ISSUES LIKE "SHOULD MOTHERS WITH BABY CARRIAGES BE ALLOWED TO BE EXTREME." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] MAN, DID YOU SEE HOW EXTREME THAT MOTHER WAS? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WITH THE BABY CARRIAGE? YEAH! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SHE WAS TOTALLY EXTREME. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I NEVER SAW A MOTHER SO EXTREME. HAVE YOU? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YOU KNOW I WOULD'A MENTIONED IT TO YOU IF I HAD! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] GUYS THAT MOTHER WAS SO EXTREME! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] GOD! ARE THERE YET ANY LAWS AGAINST MOTHERS BEING EXTREME, DO YOU KNOW? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Suddenly I feel as if my future is full of new |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I FEEL LIKE I DON'T REALLY HAVE A SOLID OPINION ON THE REALLY BIG INTERNATIONAL ISSUES. THERE'S SO MUCH TO THEM - SO MUCH NUANCE! HOW CAN I HAVE A DEFENSIBLE OPINION ON SOMETHING I DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HOWEVER! I DO HAVE MANY UNSOLICITED OPINIONS ON SMALLER, LOCAL ISSUES! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THOSE ISSUES I CAN UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY, AND THERE I DON'T FEEL LIKE SOMEONE WHO JUST HAPPENS TO KNOW THEIR STUFF BETTER COULD BEST ME IN AN ARGUMENT. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] WHAT KIND OF ISSUES ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OH, YOU KNOW - ISSUES LIKE "SHOULD MOTHERS WITH BABY CARRIAGES BE ALLOWED TO BE EXTREME." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] MAN, DID YOU SEE HOW EXTREME THAT MOTHER WAS? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WITH THE BABY CARRIAGE? YEAH! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SHE WAS TOTALLY EXTREME. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I NEVER SAW A MOTHER SO EXTREME. HAVE YOU? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YOU KNOW I WOULD'A MENTIONED IT TO YOU IF I HAD! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] GUYS THAT MOTHER WAS SO EXTREME! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] GOD! ARE THERE YET ANY LAWS AGAINST MOTHERS BEING EXTREME, DO YOU KNOW? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NOT YET NOT TO THE BEST OF MY AWESOME KNOWLEDGE NO |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I had the weirdest dream last night. Again! Two nights of memorable dreams in a ro: A NEW PERSONAL BEST. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I dreamt I was a cockfighter! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: RUMOURS SPREAD. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey! You punch out turkeys? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That was in a dream. A DREAM. I never actually punched out a turkey. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I heard that parents should lock up their turkeys, because you'll punch them out! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No!! I promise to never punch out a turkey. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] YEARS LATER: PROMISES ARE BROKEN. [SPEAKER] OFF-PANEL [LINE] Hey, how come my turkey is unconscious? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's too late to ask how or |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I had the weirdest dream last night. Again! Two nights of memorable dreams in a ro: A NEW PERSONAL BEST. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I dreamt I was a cockfighter! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: RUMOURS SPREAD. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey! You punch out turkeys? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That was in a dream. A DREAM. I never actually punched out a turkey. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I heard that parents should lock up their turkeys, because you'll punch them out! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No!! I promise to never punch out a turkey. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] YEARS LATER: PROMISES ARE BROKEN. [SPEAKER] OFF-PANEL [LINE] Hey, how come my turkey is unconscious? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Good heavens! I HAVE NO IDEA. What?? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Am I doing the right thing with my life? What if what I'm doing with my time is actually something I will one day regret? What I NEED is some way to measure regret for every action and career path. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TWO SECONDS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Done and DONE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All I'll need to do is ask old people about their lives, and measure how many of them regret certain things! This "regret index" will range from 0 (no regret) to 1 (total ultimate regret). With it, I can tell kids today that if you rub spider eggs into your eyes, you're 96% likely to regret it, but if you drink delicious lemonade and pop wheelies, the regret index on that is near 0! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So basically you're just asking people what they liked and what they didn't like? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But "regret index" makes it sound more scientific. I honestly think this could be useful! You could find out how many people are still happy that they memorized every Star Trek episode! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I know I am. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I, too, remain fully satisfied. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EARLIER: [SPEAKER] CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD [LINE] "Make it so." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Futurism was an art movement where |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Am I doing the right thing with my life? What if what I'm doing with my time is actually something I will one day regret? What I NEED is some way to measure regret for every action and career path. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TWO SECONDS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Done and DONE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All I'll need to do is ask old people about their lives, and measure how many of them regret certain things! This "regret index" will range from 0 (no regret) to 1 (total ultimate regret). With it, I can tell kids today that if you rub spider eggs into your eyes, you're 96% likely to regret it, but if you drink delicious lemonade and pop wheelies, the regret index on that is near 0! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So basically you're just asking people what they liked and what they didn't like? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But "regret index" makes it sound more scientific. I honestly think this could be useful! You could find out how many people are still happy that they memorized every Star Trek episode! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I know I am. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I, too, remain fully satisfied. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EARLIER: [SPEAKER] CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD [LINE] "Make it so." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It all goes in the vault! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How come it's not cool to have stories with morals at the end anymore? Are we too ironic and cool to appreciate a story that, you know, just straight-out tells you what to believe? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Seriously! How come? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I liked it when you read a story and you knew that at the end, the moral would be spelled out for you in the last sentence, so you'd be sure you didn't miss anything. Does slow and steady win the race? Can this be clarified in the conclusion somehow? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're saying you wish more literature was like fairy tales? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess so! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, instead of complaining about stories you don't like, why not write some that you do? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES! and we'll have a "story off" where we write stories and compete with each other! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay. I guess that's what I'm going to spend my life doing today. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AT THE "STORY OFF": [SPEAKER] OFF SCREEN [LINE] Once upon a time there was a bashful cat named "Neutron". He had so many fingers. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ADD A LOVE INTEREST! [SPEAKER] OFF SCREEN [LINE] It's my turn right now, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just discovered that I can |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How come it's not cool to have stories with morals at the end anymore? Are we too ironic and cool to appreciate a story that, you know, just straight-out tells you what to believe? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Seriously! How come? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I liked it when you read a story and you knew that at the end, the moral would be spelled out for you in the last sentence, so you'd be sure you didn't miss anything. Does slow and steady win the race? Can this be clarified in the conclusion somehow? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're saying you wish more literature was like fairy tales? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess so! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, instead of complaining about stories you don't like, why not write some that you do? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES! and we'll have a "story off" where we write stories and compete with each other! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay. I guess that's what I'm going to spend my life doing today. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AT THE "STORY OFF": [SPEAKER] OFF SCREEN [LINE] Once upon a time there was a bashful cat named "Neutron". He had so many fingers. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ADD A LOVE INTEREST! [SPEAKER] OFF SCREEN [LINE] It's my turn right now, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MY STORY HAS TWO LOVE INTERESTS |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder: what's the strongest emotion? What's the most powerful emotional experience I can look forward to? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NOBODY SAY LOVE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Love isn't allowed because it's TOO OBVIOUS. What's the strongest non-love emotion, Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hate? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, hate isn't allowed either on account of house it's ARGUABLY the opposite of love. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Um. Boredom? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think the strongest feeling is that of shame, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A good choice, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But, are you not forgetting the memorable emotion of hunger? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hunger isn't an emotion. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then why do I suddenly FEEL hungry, hmm? Riddle me that! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE CHILLING "HUNGER UNIVERSE": [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes! Especially when I get angry. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder: what's the strongest emotion? What's the most powerful emotional experience I can look forward to? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NOBODY SAY LOVE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Love isn't allowed because it's TOO OBVIOUS. What's the strongest non-love emotion, Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hate? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, hate isn't allowed either on account of house it's ARGUABLY the opposite of love. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Um. Boredom? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think the strongest feeling is that of shame, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A good choice, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But, are you not forgetting the memorable emotion of hunger? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hunger isn't an emotion. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then why do I suddenly FEEL hungry, hmm? Riddle me that! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE CHILLING "HUNGER UNIVERSE": [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Constant hunger has robbed me of |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have gained provisional access to a shortwave radio! Last night I was flipping around and discovered a NUMBERS STATION. Question: how excellent is that? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Answer: TOTALLY EXCELLENT?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you're unfamiliar with them, Dromiceiomimus, number stations are radio stations that play pre-recorded voices reciting long strings of numbers, often with a short musical cue beginning or ending the segments. They are encoded communication often meant for spies, encrypted using one-time pads! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Neat! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I KNOW. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I love that I live in a world where I can hear actual secret messages for spies! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What are they like? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Entertaining and affecting and surreal. Man! Can you imagine waking up one day and finding that all the radio stations have been replaced by a little girl's voice reading out endless strings of numbers? It would be GREAT. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And menacing. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And GREAT. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It would be like, "Hey, I wonder what's on the radio? Oh, it's '39398 32348 59378 70636'!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep! That's what it would be like! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That is advice for people WITHOUT the ultimate poker face. Check this out. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have gained provisional access to a shortwave radio! Last night I was flipping around and discovered a NUMBERS STATION. Question: how excellent is that? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Answer: TOTALLY EXCELLENT?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you're unfamiliar with them, Dromiceiomimus, number stations are radio stations that play pre-recorded voices reciting long strings of numbers, often with a short musical cue beginning or ending the segments. They are encoded communication often meant for spies, encrypted using one-time pads! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Neat! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I KNOW. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I love that I live in a world where I can hear actual secret messages for spies! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What are they like? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Entertaining and affecting and surreal. Man! Can you imagine waking up one day and finding that all the radio stations have been replaced by a little girl's voice reading out endless strings of numbers? It would be GREAT. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And menacing. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And GREAT. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It would be like, "Hey, I wonder what's on the radio? Oh, it's '39398 32348 59378 70636'!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep! That's what it would be like! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then the dude would be like, "IT'S TOO AWESOME MY MIND IS |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have come up with a perfect way not to believe in anything wrong ever again. Evidentialism [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A belief is justified only if there is sufficient evidence to support it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Therefore, I won't believe in things like faith healing, because there's no room for faith in evidentialism! I also don't believe there's convincing evidence for anyone having kissed someone SO HARD that both people exploded, so I will have to regretfully concede that I don't believe that's happened yet either. But, at least I won't believe in anything I can't prove! Thanks, evidentialism! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But - how do you know to believe your evidence, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude! It's EVIDENCE. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, but this evidence must need justification to be believed. So evidence requires its own evidence, and so you have an infinite chain of proof. This spells disaster for you my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A valid attack, perhaps strengthened by the old "What if we're all just brains in jars" question! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BUT! What if I switch my beliefs to foundationalism, in which I mark a few beliefs as "foundations" I consider to be "self-evident"? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Then you have abandoned evidence for faith! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes my friends, spring will be coming |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have come up with a perfect way not to believe in anything wrong ever again. Evidentialism [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A belief is justified only if there is sufficient evidence to support it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Therefore, I won't believe in things like faith healing, because there's no room for faith in evidentialism! I also don't believe there's convincing evidence for anyone having kissed someone SO HARD that both people exploded, so I will have to regretfully concede that I don't believe that's happened yet either. But, at least I won't believe in anything I can't prove! Thanks, evidentialism! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But - how do you know to believe your evidence, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude! It's EVIDENCE. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, but this evidence must need justification to be believed. So evidence requires its own evidence, and so you have an infinite chain of proof. This spells disaster for you my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A valid attack, perhaps strengthened by the old "What if we're all just brains in jars" question! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BUT! What if I switch my beliefs to foundationalism, in which I mark a few beliefs as "foundations" I consider to be "self-evident"? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Then you have abandoned evidence for faith! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Faith, AND the possibility of weaponized kissing?? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if this is the high point of my life? What if it's all downhill from here?! That sucks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For me!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I kind of hoped I might go a bit further than this in life, but then again, maybe not. It's entirely possible that this, right here, is as far as I go. In 10 years I could be that guy who is WAY too nostalgic for the past. "Remember how great it was before I screwed up my life, guys?" That'll be me. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll be that guy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I could be TOO TIRED from the weight of a life squandered to stomp on even the smallest of log cabins and women. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Maybe! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But I honestly don't think you'll be that guy. You'll probably end up doing something different than you expect right now, but that doesn't mean you've FAILED AT LIFE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't think so either, really, but maybe guys who peaked in high school thought this too! Then they made some bad decisions. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, yes indeed! Life is a neoclassical pastiche, |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if this is the high point of my life? What if it's all downhill from here?! That sucks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For me!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I kind of hoped I might go a bit further than this in life, but then again, maybe not. It's entirely possible that this, right here, is as far as I go. In 10 years I could be that guy who is WAY too nostalgic for the past. "Remember how great it was before I screwed up my life, guys?" That'll be me. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll be that guy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I could be TOO TIRED from the weight of a life squandered to stomp on even the smallest of log cabins and women. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Maybe! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But I honestly don't think you'll be that guy. You'll probably end up doing something different than you expect right now, but that doesn't mean you've FAILED AT LIFE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't think so either, really, but maybe guys who peaked in high school thought this too! Then they made some bad decisions. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] People who've made bad decisions: I salute you! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have thought of the snappiest comeback ever! All I have to do is trick that Utahraptor into telling me what he'd like to make a living doing, if he had a choice. Then I can say: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Well, sure..." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "If you call that 'living'!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He will be so shocked! I expect this "zinger" to go down in history as the best example of its kind ever! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Stomping a few buildings and women should get his attention... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Stop stomping on things! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Only if you answer me a question! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you could do anything to make a living, what would it be? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I have always wanted to be a doctor; they are so honourable in my mind and do so much for people in need. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So much. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They are the most pure and untouched example of "good" that I can imagine. Furthermore... [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wow. You know, you never cease |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have thought of the snappiest comeback ever! All I have to do is trick that Utahraptor into telling me what he'd like to make a living doing, if he had a choice. Then I can say: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Well, sure..." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "If you call that 'living'!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He will be so shocked! I expect this "zinger" to go down in history as the best example of its kind ever! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Stomping a few buildings and women should get his attention... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Stop stomping on things! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Only if you answer me a question! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you could do anything to make a living, what would it be? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I have always wanted to be a doctor; they are so honourable in my mind and do so much for people in need. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So much. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They are the most pure and untouched example of "good" that I can imagine. Furthermore... [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... if you call that "living!" |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY T-REX HOW MANY EMOTIONS ARE THERE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How many emotions are there?? I can think of at least three. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Desire, elation, and rage! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] YOUR LIST OF EMOTIONS IS A SHORT STORY HUH [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! It's about a woman who desires something, then gets it and is pretty elated about the whole thing, but then, AFTERWARDS, she's pretty pissed. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] COOL [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think emotions are not discrete but rather a continuum, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I find your views interesting! Tell me more! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The emotions we have in English are just labels we've applied to a SPECTRUM of feeling. You can almost always divide existing emotions into smaller, more precise chunks! For example, your well-known satisfaction at eating cereal in the morning is an exact, identifiable, reproducible joy that I can only label "breakfast pleasure." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Breakfast pleasure! Finally, I have words for that most sublime of satisfactions!! BREAKFAST PLEASURE. I love breakfast pleasure. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I know, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And that's beautiful? |
real | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY T-REX HOW MANY EMOTIONS ARE THERE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How many emotions are there?? I can think of at least three. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Desire, elation, and rage! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] YOUR LIST OF EMOTIONS IS A SHORT STORY HUH [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! It's about a woman who desires something, then gets it and is pretty elated about the whole thing, but then, AFTERWARDS, she's pretty pissed. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] COOL [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think emotions are not discrete but rather a continuum, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I find your views interesting! Tell me more! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The emotions we have in English are just labels we've applied to a SPECTRUM of feeling. You can almost always divide existing emotions into smaller, more precise chunks! For example, your well-known satisfaction at eating cereal in the morning is an exact, identifiable, reproducible joy that I can only label "breakfast pleasure." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Breakfast pleasure! Finally, I have words for that most sublime of satisfactions!! BREAKFAST PLEASURE. I love breakfast pleasure. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I know, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not entirely |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Has this strapping young dinosaur perhaps become a little... COMPLACENT? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's time to go traveling! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is because travel beats complacency if you do it right! When you're traveling as a backpacker, outside of the regular tourism industry, you're off the beaten path AND doing a lot of new things all on your own. You meet new people and, since you're put in an environment where you're probably less comfortable than you usually are (both literally and figuratively), you're in a prime situation for self-discovery as well! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you'd rather do your own thing than go on a big tour with a travel agency? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Absolutely! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But - I mean, I know it's not entirely a positive thing. All tourism can change the areas it touches! My role as a backpacker COULD be seen as an advance scout for the larger tourism industry - and if I find something wonderful, odds are others will soon follow. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what's the solution? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't know, man! Stop traveling? Encase unspoiled areas in amber? Use spaceships to colonize new planets and therefore delay the issue until there are no new frontiers? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That last one sounds pretty awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I'll have to be |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Has this strapping young dinosaur perhaps become a little... COMPLACENT? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's time to go traveling! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is because travel beats complacency if you do it right! When you're traveling as a backpacker, outside of the regular tourism industry, you're off the beaten path AND doing a lot of new things all on your own. You meet new people and, since you're put in an environment where you're probably less comfortable than you usually are (both literally and figuratively), you're in a prime situation for self-discovery as well! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you'd rather do your own thing than go on a big tour with a travel agency? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Absolutely! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But - I mean, I know it's not entirely a positive thing. All tourism can change the areas it touches! My role as a backpacker COULD be seen as an advance scout for the larger tourism industry - and if I find something wonderful, odds are others will soon follow. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what's the solution? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't know, man! Stop traveling? Encase unspoiled areas in amber? Use spaceships to colonize new planets and therefore delay the issue until there are no new frontiers? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That last one sounds pretty awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's cause it's got rockets! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey! Hey Utahraptor! Do - do you think that some guys go to liquor stores to pick up chicks because they know everyone there is over 18? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Or at least - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] - willing to pretend? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hah! Aw! That's terrible, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, what are YOU doing here? I thought it was Just The Guys! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It seems that, once again, I have become privy to guy talk due to conversational negligence!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Disaster! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So personally, Dromiceiomimus, I feel that - [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, where is she? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whoah, Utahraptor! I thought that DROMICEIOMIMUS was behind me! [SPEAKER] UTRAHRAPTOR [LINE] Nope! Just me, your male friend Utahraptor! Were you about to have a conversation about feelings? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NO. NO I WASN'T. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Those were indeed good games of "Scrabble"! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey! Hey Utahraptor! Do - do you think that some guys go to liquor stores to pick up chicks because they know everyone there is over 18? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Or at least - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] - willing to pretend? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hah! Aw! That's terrible, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, what are YOU doing here? I thought it was Just The Guys! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It seems that, once again, I have become privy to guy talk due to conversational negligence!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Disaster! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So personally, Dromiceiomimus, I feel that - [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, where is she? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whoah, Utahraptor! I thought that DROMICEIOMIMUS was behind me! [SPEAKER] UTRAHRAPTOR [LINE] Nope! Just me, your male friend Utahraptor! Were you about to have a conversation about feelings? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NO. NO I WASN'T. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Incidentally, I don't have any friends who |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am writing the best story ever! In it, I simply APPROPRIATE a popular novel, and then place its author in a generalized version of its premise! THEN, the author has eerily familiar, but thoroughly modernized,adventures. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, it's like, H.G. Wells actually has a time machine that he uses for wacky escapades! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then he goes back in time to meet Edgar Allan Poe, who actually IS haunted by the supernatural and has a creepy raven in his study, next to the silken sad uncertain rustling of his purple curtains. After picking up Mary Shelley, they ALL go forward in time and meet Patricia Highsmith, who is surrounded by morally compromised antihero neighbours! Then they all go on a train ride and have an adventure. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Then what happens? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THEN, my friend, the story writes itself! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And at the end, all the characters high five each other and go home to their own times, promising to write their own versions of what happened. Then, they all write their most famous works! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Huh! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MUCH LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Edgar Allan Poe! What are YOU doing here? [SPEAKER] EDGAR ALLAN POE [LINE] I'm just chillin' on your couch, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No way! There's no way. "T-Rex" |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am writing the best story ever! In it, I simply APPROPRIATE a popular novel, and then place its author in a generalized version of its premise! THEN, the author has eerily familiar, but thoroughly modernized,adventures. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, it's like, H.G. Wells actually has a time machine that he uses for wacky escapades! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then he goes back in time to meet Edgar Allan Poe, who actually IS haunted by the supernatural and has a creepy raven in his study, next to the silken sad uncertain rustling of his purple curtains. After picking up Mary Shelley, they ALL go forward in time and meet Patricia Highsmith, who is surrounded by morally compromised antihero neighbours! Then they all go on a train ride and have an adventure. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Then what happens? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THEN, my friend, the story writes itself! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And at the end, all the characters high five each other and go home to their own times, promising to write their own versions of what happened. Then, they all write their most famous works! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Huh! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MUCH LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Edgar Allan Poe! What are YOU doing here? [SPEAKER] EDGAR ALLAN POE [LINE] I'm just chillin' on your couch, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Awesome! I like how you rhyme. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Edgar Allan Poe, I have things to do today! We can't hang out the entire time. [SPEAKER] EDGAR ALLAN POE [LINE] I don't want to hang out the ENTIRE time, T-Rex, I just want quality time when we DO hang out. I need quality, not just quantity! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Edgar Allan Poe! You are so needy. [SPEAKER] EDGAR ALLAN POE [LINE] When you call me "needy", T-Rex, you make me feel like I'm crazy, just because I want to spend time with you! That's not crazy: that's what friends do. If you don't want to be friends with me then we should talk about that, but if you do, then you need to spend more time with me. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Edgar! We're spending time together RIGHT NOW! That counts! It HAS TO count if you follow me around. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, your friend back there looks just like Edgar Allan Poe! That's crazy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's because he is! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, here's a fun fact for you: Edgar Allan Poe has access to a time machine, and ALL HE WANTS TO DO is talk about our relationship. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex! He's right nearby! He can probably hear you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'M FINE WITH THAT. HELLO POE. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm sorry I snapped at you, Edgar Allan Poe! [SPEAKER] EDGAR ALLAN POE [LINE] I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you said you needed space, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sherlock Holmes!! Can you describe me as "the Napoleon of RHYME"? |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Edgar Allan Poe, I have things to do today! We can't hang out the entire time. [SPEAKER] EDGAR ALLAN POE [LINE] I don't want to hang out the ENTIRE time, T-Rex, I just want quality time when we DO hang out. I need quality, not just quantity! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Edgar Allan Poe! You are so needy. [SPEAKER] EDGAR ALLAN POE [LINE] When you call me "needy", T-Rex, you make me feel like I'm crazy, just because I want to spend time with you! That's not crazy: that's what friends do. If you don't want to be friends with me then we should talk about that, but if you do, then you need to spend more time with me. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Edgar! We're spending time together RIGHT NOW! That counts! It HAS TO count if you follow me around. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, your friend back there looks just like Edgar Allan Poe! That's crazy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's because he is! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, here's a fun fact for you: Edgar Allan Poe has access to a time machine, and ALL HE WANTS TO DO is talk about our relationship. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex! He's right nearby! He can probably hear you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'M FINE WITH THAT. HELLO POE. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm sorry I snapped at you, Edgar Allan Poe! [SPEAKER] EDGAR ALLAN POE [LINE] I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you said you needed space, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Can you - can you keep this out of your famous |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am PRETTY SURE that I could be a pretty great soccer player if I really tried to be! I just haven't explored it! It's probably one of my many [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HIDDEN TALENTS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm probably ALSO really good at surfing, stand up comedy, cross-stitching and helicopter theft! I just haven't tried them because I prefer believing that I have secret talents the world hasn't seen to knowing for certain that I don't actually have anything special and secret in me waiting to be accessed. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You prefer hidden talent to palpable failure! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Precisely! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, why not just reframe them so they're talents that you HAD, but missed out on? Like, you could have been a great soccer player if only you'd practiced when you were a kid. So the talent's still there, it's simply your flabby aged and relatively enfeebled body that's no longer suitable! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX HAS BEEN STEALING HELICOPTERS SINCE HE WAS EIGHT: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm so awesome at stealing copters, but I wonder if I could ever be good at stomping on things! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Eh? What do you think Dromiceiomimus? Is my flow TRULY the freshest |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am PRETTY SURE that I could be a pretty great soccer player if I really tried to be! I just haven't explored it! It's probably one of my many [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HIDDEN TALENTS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm probably ALSO really good at surfing, stand up comedy, cross-stitching and helicopter theft! I just haven't tried them because I prefer believing that I have secret talents the world hasn't seen to knowing for certain that I don't actually have anything special and secret in me waiting to be accessed. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You prefer hidden talent to palpable failure! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Precisely! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, why not just reframe them so they're talents that you HAD, but missed out on? Like, you could have been a great soccer player if only you'd practiced when you were a kid. So the talent's still there, it's simply your flabby aged and relatively enfeebled body that's no longer suitable! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX HAS BEEN STEALING HELICOPTERS SINCE HE WAS EIGHT: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm so awesome at stealing copters, but I wonder if I could ever be good at stomping on things! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is this finally a conundrum that CAN'T be solved with helicopter theft? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder, what's the craziest way to spell "crazy"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My suggestion: "K-RAY-Z"! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's pretty crazy, T-Rex, but what about... "CHRA-HAY-ZEE"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's totally crazy! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's why I like it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What about "Quai-Zhi"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Eh! Too crazy. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? No it's not. Too crazy is like, "fhqwhgads". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's Inaccessibly Crazy, which is its own beast all together! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, forget you guys! I'm done playing this game. I'VE got things to do today! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THINGS T-REX THINKS UTAHRAPTOR MIGHT HAVE TO DO TODAY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Learn to tango? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Eat a whole bag of plums? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'M JUST BUYING GROCERIES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] See, I thought so too! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder, what's the craziest way to spell "crazy"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My suggestion: "K-RAY-Z"! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's pretty crazy, T-Rex, but what about... "CHRA-HAY-ZEE"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's totally crazy! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's why I like it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What about "Quai-Zhi"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Eh! Too crazy. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? No it's not. Too crazy is like, "fhqwhgads". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's Inaccessibly Crazy, which is its own beast all together! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, forget you guys! I'm done playing this game. I'VE got things to do today! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THINGS T-REX THINKS UTAHRAPTOR MIGHT HAVE TO DO TODAY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Learn to tango? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Eat a whole bag of plums? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'M JUST BUYING GROCERIES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Buy a whole bag of |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have come up with the worst idea aver, and it's so simple. All you have to do is combine online gambling with online role playing games! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The result will be a game to RUIN LIVES! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MMORPGs are already really popular and addictive - some people play them upwards of eight hours a day. Throw in a casino where you can not only win REAL money but also rare in-game items and experience points, and you've merged two addictions into one, feeding them into each other! It'll be a terribly effective way to make profits from those with addictive personalities. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So people can bet in-game money to win real-life money? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You'd allow bets like that, but balance it so, overall, you don't end up losing real money. The more you gamble, the better stats your characters get, and the more you play, the more chances you have to win in the casino. Both addictions encourage the other! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It really is an awful idea, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, I've got other awful ideas too! Like, a toy gun for children, but every one in twenty shots (on average) it actually fires a real bullet! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's a horrific idea! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey! Hey you, across the |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have come up with the worst idea aver, and it's so simple. All you have to do is combine online gambling with online role playing games! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The result will be a game to RUIN LIVES! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MMORPGs are already really popular and addictive - some people play them upwards of eight hours a day. Throw in a casino where you can not only win REAL money but also rare in-game items and experience points, and you've merged two addictions into one, feeding them into each other! It'll be a terribly effective way to make profits from those with addictive personalities. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So people can bet in-game money to win real-life money? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You'd allow bets like that, but balance it so, overall, you don't end up losing real money. The more you gamble, the better stats your characters get, and the more you play, the more chances you have to win in the casino. Both addictions encourage the other! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It really is an awful idea, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, I've got other awful ideas too! Like, a toy gun for children, but every one in twenty shots (on average) it actually fires a real bullet! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's a horrific idea! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What is wrong with me? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have come up with the worst idea aver, and it's so simple. All you have to do is combine online gambling with online role playing games! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The result will be a game to RUIN LIVES! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MMORPGs are already really popular and addictive - some people play them upwards of eight hours a day. Throw in a casino where you can not only win REAL money but also rare in-game items and experience points, and you've merged two addictions into one, feeding them into each other! It'll be a terribly effective way to make profits from those with addictive personalities. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So people can bet in-game money to win real-life money? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You'd allow bets like that, but balance it so, overall, you don't end up losing real money. The more you gamble, the better stats your characters get, and the more you play, the more chances you have to win in the casino. Both addictions encourage the other! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It really is an awful idea, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, I've got other awful ideas too! Like, a toy gun for children, but every one in twenty shots (on average) it actually fires a real bullet! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's a horrific idea! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, at best, WE'VE only |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have come up with the worst idea aver, and it's so simple. All you have to do is combine online gambling with online role playing games! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The result will be a game to RUIN LIVES! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MMORPGs are already really popular and addictive - some people play them upwards of eight hours a day. Throw in a casino where you can not only win REAL money but also rare in-game items and experience points, and you've merged two addictions into one, feeding them into each other! It'll be a terribly effective way to make profits from those with addictive personalities. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So people can bet in-game money to win real-life money? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You'd allow bets like that, but balance it so, overall, you don't end up losing real money. The more you gamble, the better stats your characters get, and the more you play, the more chances you have to win in the casino. Both addictions encourage the other! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It really is an awful idea, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, I've got other awful ideas too! Like, a toy gun for children, but every one in twenty shots (on average) it actually fires a real bullet! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's a horrific idea! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What is wrong with me? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I love punch! I love drinking delicious punch, PROBABLY because of how it's so delicious! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hooray for punch! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Are you mentioning punch because the party tonight is so liable to feature punch, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] QUITE LIKELY! I don't know why I'm suddenly so into what is essentially juice mixed with maybe pop or alcohol, served in a fancy bowl with spoons, but I'm running with it. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well I guess I'll see you there tonight, punch in hand! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh God yes. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AT THE PARTY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, this party even has a stomping room! I'm totally going to get some punch soon. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] All you're doing is talking about punch! Why not just go get some? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, I'm gonna! I'm gonna go and get in line for some punch RIGHT NOW! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay then! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is this the punch line? [SPEAKER] PERSON [LINE] This is the line for the bathroom! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My friend, I sure do! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I love punch! I love drinking delicious punch, PROBABLY because of how it's so delicious! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hooray for punch! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Are you mentioning punch because the party tonight is so liable to feature punch, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] QUITE LIKELY! I don't know why I'm suddenly so into what is essentially juice mixed with maybe pop or alcohol, served in a fancy bowl with spoons, but I'm running with it. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well I guess I'll see you there tonight, punch in hand! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh God yes. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AT THE PARTY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, this party even has a stomping room! I'm totally going to get some punch soon. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] All you're doing is talking about punch! Why not just go get some? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, I'm gonna! I'm gonna go and get in line for some punch RIGHT NOW! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay then! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is this the punch line? [SPEAKER] PERSON [LINE] This is the line for the bathroom! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So - you're saying there |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] One of the things I've imagined, ever since I was a little kid, was how neat it would be if you could sort your life by events and view that instead. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You could see every time you eat delicious sandwiches, organized chronologically! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wouldn't that be cool, Dromiceiomimus? I think that would be cool. You could peek ahead and see every time you get into a fight, so you could be prepared! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But you'd be spoiling (in the movie sense) your own life! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TRUE. But, you'd also be able to see a rapid-fire montage of all the women you ever kiss. That would be neat and hopefully not disappointing! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It would actually be pretty neat, I think! You could see your changing responses and everything. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Here is what I propose: you record yourself whenever you kiss a woman for the first time, and then when you're old, you edit them all together. A lifetime of work will lead to a memorable result! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It might be awkward getting camera permission JUST before I kiss her. But! I'm up to the task! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what's even hotter than kissing someone for the first time? [SPEAKER] OFF-PANEL [LINE] Indicating in writing my informed consent to being filmed just before we kiss? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello everybody! I'm back in the present, |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] One of the things I've imagined, ever since I was a little kid, was how neat it would be if you could sort your life by events and view that instead. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You could see every time you eat delicious sandwiches, organized chronologically! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wouldn't that be cool, Dromiceiomimus? I think that would be cool. You could peek ahead and see every time you get into a fight, so you could be prepared! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But you'd be spoiling (in the movie sense) your own life! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TRUE. But, you'd also be able to see a rapid-fire montage of all the women you ever kiss. That would be neat and hopefully not disappointing! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It would actually be pretty neat, I think! You could see your changing responses and everything. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Here is what I propose: you record yourself whenever you kiss a woman for the first time, and then when you're old, you edit them all together. A lifetime of work will lead to a memorable result! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It might be awkward getting camera permission JUST before I kiss her. But! I'm up to the task! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what's even hotter than kissing someone for the first time? [SPEAKER] OFF-PANEL [LINE] Indicating in writing my informed consent to being filmed just before we kiss? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Baby, it's like you read my mind! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LOGICAL FALLACY COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's fallacy: PLURIUM INTERROGATIONUM [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "the loaded question" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A "loaded question" is when you ask a question that presupposes something unproven! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For instance, Dromiceiomimus, I could ask, "Hey, Dromiceiomimus! Are you still punching children?" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What? No!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aha - so when did you stop? See what I did there? The question presupposes that you've been punching on children in the past, and goes on to suggest that maybe you're still doing so. It is LOADED like rich uncle Pennybags. From Monopoly? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Your question is really two questions combined into one! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It breaks down to "Have you ever punched children, and, if so, are you still doing so?" But since these are merged, and since this merged form still demands a yes or no answer, "no" becomes misleading. The solution is not to answer "yes" or "no", but to reject the question! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, are you still punchin' children? Are you still punching them just to steal their ice cream cones? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I reject your question, Utahraptor! It's loaded! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why are you SO AFRAID of the truth coming out, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So Dromiceiomimus was making out with some |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LOGICAL FALLACY COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's fallacy: PLURIUM INTERROGATIONUM [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "the loaded question" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A "loaded question" is when you ask a question that presupposes something unproven! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For instance, Dromiceiomimus, I could ask, "Hey, Dromiceiomimus! Are you still punching children?" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What? No!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aha - so when did you stop? See what I did there? The question presupposes that you've been punching on children in the past, and goes on to suggest that maybe you're still doing so. It is LOADED like rich uncle Pennybags. From Monopoly? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Your question is really two questions combined into one! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It breaks down to "Have you ever punched children, and, if so, are you still doing so?" But since these are merged, and since this merged form still demands a yes or no answer, "no" becomes misleading. The solution is not to answer "yes" or "no", but to reject the question! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, are you still punchin' children? Are you still punching them just to steal their ice cream cones? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I reject your question, Utahraptor! It's loaded! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why are you SO AFRAID of the truth coming out, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay you must never enter politics ever. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think that I have a few friends, "Super Friends", if you will, that I'll keep in touch with no matter what happens, and they with me. It comforts me to think this! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AND HIS SUPER FRIENDS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, you are one such super friend! I can see us getting together years from now, after we all drift apart, and still being able to pick up from where we left off. We'd email once or twice a year and that would be all it would take to maintain our super friendship. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aww! I agree! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're one of MY super friends, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And you're one of mine, of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sweet! We're all friends, and super friends at that, which I guess really just goes to show you that you don't need conflict to drive a narrative. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What narra- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THE NARRATIVE OF LIFE. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX WATCHES THIS OTHER T-REX'S LIFE ON TV: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aww! Well, I'll be |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think that I have a few friends, "Super Friends", if you will, that I'll keep in touch with no matter what happens, and they with me. It comforts me to think this! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AND HIS SUPER FRIENDS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, you are one such super friend! I can see us getting together years from now, after we all drift apart, and still being able to pick up from where we left off. We'd email once or twice a year and that would be all it would take to maintain our super friendship. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aww! I agree! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're one of MY super friends, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And you're one of mine, of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sweet! We're all friends, and super friends at that, which I guess really just goes to show you that you don't need conflict to drive a narrative. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What narra- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THE NARRATIVE OF LIFE. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX WATCHES THIS OTHER T-REX'S LIFE ON TV: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] where are the knockers |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED NURSERY RHYME COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Jack Sprat could eat no fat / His wife could eat no lean / And so betwixt the two of them / They licked the platter clean! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AND they shared EATING DISORDERS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What a world! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] the end [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ENCRYPTION JOKE COMICS [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What's better than 128-bit encryption? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] 512-bit encryption! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, that's not funny! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That is accurate and sobering. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Perhaps you didn't like it because it's too... CRYPTIC? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait a minute, I recognize these! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So - I guess I'm a 10 year old girl now? |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED NURSERY RHYME COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Jack Sprat could eat no fat / His wife could eat no lean / And so betwixt the two of them / They licked the platter clean! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AND they shared EATING DISORDERS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What a world! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] the end [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ENCRYPTION JOKE COMICS [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What's better than 128-bit encryption? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] 512-bit encryption! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, that's not funny! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That is accurate and sobering. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Perhaps you didn't like it because it's too... CRYPTIC? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait a minute, I recognize these! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Did you find my long-abandoned copy of "Encryption Jokes... For Teens!"? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There is a lawyer dude who has plastered the city's telephone poles and bus shelters with ads proclaiming "QUICK DIVORCE! $300". And there's always about 2 or 3 of the little phone numbers from the bottom taken. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ouch for modern marriages! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I took one, but that was simply because I saw the HILARIOUS PRANK POSSIBILITIES of leaving one in a married friend's wallet. But then I had an EVEN BETTER idea! Next to each of his divorce fliers, I put up my own that say "QUICK MARITAL BLISS! $295.95". Hah hah! It is PUBLIC SPACE ART and it also makes bus shelters less depressingly pro-quick-divorce! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Nice! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what happens when people start to call you, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What happens when people start to call you? They'll probably be expecting some quick marital bliss for their $295.95! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I, um - I hadn't thought of that. I was too impressed with having an actual good idea for an art project to think about "consequences"! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LUCKILY, T-REX DISCOVERS A SURE-FIRE WAY TO TURN $295.95 INTO QUICK MARITAL BLISS! [SPEAKER] OFF-SCREEN COUPLE [LINE] Thanks T-Rex!! You've saved our sucky marriage once again! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Folks have already |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There is a lawyer dude who has plastered the city's telephone poles and bus shelters with ads proclaiming "QUICK DIVORCE! $300". And there's always about 2 or 3 of the little phone numbers from the bottom taken. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ouch for modern marriages! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I took one, but that was simply because I saw the HILARIOUS PRANK POSSIBILITIES of leaving one in a married friend's wallet. But then I had an EVEN BETTER idea! Next to each of his divorce fliers, I put up my own that say "QUICK MARITAL BLISS! $295.95". Hah hah! It is PUBLIC SPACE ART and it also makes bus shelters less depressingly pro-quick-divorce! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Nice! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what happens when people start to call you, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What happens when people start to call you? They'll probably be expecting some quick marital bliss for their $295.95! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I, um - I hadn't thought of that. I was too impressed with having an actual good idea for an art project to think about "consequences"! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LUCKILY, T-REX DISCOVERS A SURE-FIRE WAY TO TURN $295.95 INTO QUICK MARITAL BLISS! [SPEAKER] OFF-SCREEN COUPLE [LINE] Thanks T-Rex!! You've saved our sucky marriage once again! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How perfectly PROFITABLE! |