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jquiros

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suicide

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Yay just decided to take a picture of the top of my head to see how much hair I still got I discovered I am an ugly 17 years old who is lucky enough to to get to 18 with any hair at all

non-suicide

I miss you little bro.I never thought in a million years I’d lose a loved one to suicide. The day I found you slumped in our backyard woods haunt me day and night. How can someone so gentle and kind who loved life and wouldn’t hurt a soul be the one to end their own lives. Everytime I think of you tears begin to fall down my eyes. My baby brother I’m deeply sorry that big brother couldn’t save you and for that I’ll always live with the guilt that I could’ve done more. I know it’s not my fault but I can’t seem to convince myself. It felt unreal seeing you at the funeral home. I sobbed and mourned unable to keep the hurt inside when I seen and touch your cold body. I ask you to please wake up if this was a joke because my mind couldn’t accept that you were really gone. I can’t explain the pain I felt it was different from any other ones I’d felt. I remember your bright and beautiful smile like it was yesterday, but when I see you in your casket cold and lifeless my soul shattered and I begin to weep. I caress your body from head to toe feeling utter helplessness and hopelessness wishing this was all just a bad dream. I miss you terribly and I’m so lonely. The world seems to have simply moved on and here I am stuck and frozen still confused as to why you did what you did. The day you decided you were going to end your life you told me you loved me and I didn’t know why. I sensed something was wrong but couldn’t put my finger on it. Now I know why and I’m deeply saddened that I didn’t say it back cause it was the last time I’ll ever get to see you again. My baby brother the pain hurts and I wanna make it go away. I can’t let go and I don’t know how to. I wanna see you again and tell you that I love you, but it’s too late your gone. All I have left are regrets and guilt, shame and pain. The day has finally come it’s time to close the casket and say our last goodbye. The tears won’t stop falling and I’m unwilling to let you go. Desperate and wishful thinking I pray that somehow you’d wake up and say this was all just a prank. We closed your casket and my body started trembling. I and others help load your casket onto the black car and it was here that it started to really sink in, you’re really dead and this is it! Here we are at the cemetery preparing you your departure guiding you to your destination in the afterlife and taking one last good look before your lowered down and covered in dirt! The unbearable pain and ache in my heart if only you can feel it, the lonely desperate tears if only you can see it, and the cries and howls of my loss speak my love for you. I held your hand, kissed you on your forehead, and said my farewells one last time before they take you away. As we pour the dirt and throw flowers over your coffin I’m dazed and lost in time. No words or tears will explain the heart wrenching pain I felt that day. Everything seems so unreal. My mind couldn’t process your death and I can’t seem to make it all go away. It’s been 4 years since you took your life. Not a day goes by I don’t think of your funny personality and beautiful smile that lit up everyone mood. I keep asking why and still wonder if you’ll come back knocking on the door. I go to the place where I found you and sat down thinking about what you were thinking before you decided to end it and mourn the lost all over again. When no ones home to hear me I cry for you, when I’m in the shower I silently cry for you, and when I dream about you I hold it tight and cherish it while tears are streaming down my face when I awake. I’m deeply sorry and wounded badly. I’m sorry that I couldn’t see it, I’m sorry that I couldn’t protect you, and I’m sorry big brother let you down. This is all to much and I’m tired. I want to close my eyes and drift away. Goodbye my baby brother pengchoua xiong, goodbye! You were so full of life, but the darkness consumed you and you finally let it go. Only 20 years old and a life still ahead, but you chose to go. I ain’t mad and I understand because you went through too much bullshit and others treated you like you weren’t a human being so for that I wish wherever you may be at that your in peace and not hurting anymore. Though I’m dying and torn to pieces I forgive you and hope that if heaven is for real I’d love to have the chance to see your beautiful face once again because I miss you terribly! It’s very painful bro I’d never imagine that I’d come visit my little baby brother at the cemetery instead of countries apart. Thank you for being part of my life and thank you for being my brother until then take care we will meet when my time is up. Rip pengchoua xiong!

suicide

Hoi hoi! Do you have itchy and easily irrated skin? Do you have eczema or a skin condition that makes your skin easily irratated? Wel i got good new for you bud! Im no doctor by any means, but i am a guy who has eczema, so i guess it applies too: 1. DRINK WATER. AND I MEAN A LOT OF WATER. Water is quite nescessary for the rehydration of the skin. Id say about an average of 8 glasses a day, or better yet, a glass every hour of the day to keep yourself refreshed and rehydrated. 2.Use Lotion that helps rehydrate the skin. This one is optional, since not all people can buy a skin moisturizer cause they are EXPENSIVE AS SHIT, but for those who can, i reccomend you buy it. Apply it about every time after you take a shower or a bath. 3. Use Cold or warm water for bathing. It feels good, and irritates your skin less than hot water. 4.Sleeping Gloves(Optional) This is for the people who unconsciously scratch their skin while sleeping, so when they wake up it feels like they accidentaly Scuba dived in a Lava lake. Wearing gloves helps solve that issue by preventing you from doing too much damage on your skin, since the gloves are made of cloth. i guess thats all i have for you redditors, See you all next time! Sincere Regards, - Some guy in the internet who wanted to say Hoi hoi! for some time :>

non-suicide

i really want to die right now.i have over 16 mental disorders and so ,my mind is a , mess and because of that i hurt someone i really care about. i feel useless and i don't know what to do

suicide

I had a strange dream yesterday... So basically I was standing in a dark room and suddenly Dwayne Johnson appeared and I accidentally stabbed him with a lightsaber I didn’t even know i had in my hand. Then suddenly everything was back to normal and I woke up. What did this mean exactly am I force sensitive?

non-suicide

Suicidal thoughts are relatively new to me, figured I would post hereThough I would post here because I have been thinking about it everyday for a few months. Option 1 is carry on like this forever. Option 2 is try to do things to better myself like get a new job, but thoughts like that give me a very violent "I should just end it then", because that stuff is just too hard for me, which takes me to option 3, suicide. I don't actually want to die, not really, it's like my mind is going, "well here is a way out, consider me". The thoughts are pounding at the door so to speak and I am just kind of staying still and staring at the door. I wrote a suicide note yesterday and cried my eyes out for the first time in a while but I started getting really frightened that I was "initiating a plan" so I stopped. It was like looking through the keyhole of that door so to speak I try not to indulge the thoughts cos they give me shivers and make me feel extremely guilty. I do my best to ignore them, sometimes they pop up briefly like a "hey just do it" in such a casual way I can just ignore them, sometimes at the stupidest things, I put the wrong coffee in my cup the other day and said to myself "why the fuck havnt I done it yet" and I had to argue with myself for a bit and tell myself to shut up repeatedly. Other times it is pretty deep and frightening where I feel like it is a legitimate choice. I feel that at this moment in time I can just keep going listening the the thoughts each day with a great amount of certainty that I wont right now. I can't control the thoughts but I let them brush over me with a "not today demon" sort of attitude, I can't really describe it I am just scared that this is the start of something ya know? Scared it will get worse like many people here, scared I will actually truly want to die at some point. Like when I look to my future I see that I am dead by suicide but right now at this time I am not letting my thoughts push me over the edge, the influence of the thoughts haven't trapped me yet, ya know? Like I can be objective and rational and dispel them with distractions but the thoughts still scare me deeply. I can't get help or therapy, my anxiety is too great, so I am just doing what I can to make sure I stay in this sort of not a major risk phase which is to not indulge them, so no more writing suicide notes etc. I don't want to be the guy who kill myself like I see in the future. Thanks for reading

suicide

Info/experiences on ECT ( Electroconvulsive Treatment )Anyone with info on ECT will be appreciated

suicide

My awful body brings me so much anguish. I've failed at every step of life.I'm 22. 10 years ago this month, I tried to kill myself for the first time. "Just wait until you're older," someone tells me in kindergarten. They read me the ugly duckling. Puberty starts. I'm taller than everyone I know, boys start calling me a giraffe. A few years later, my parents have too much to deal with, and they start calling me a cow when I become obese at 10. At 12, I attempt suicide. I try again at 13, 14 and 16. Eight months of my life have been inpatient. I try one more time at 18, and a day and a half later I wake up on my floor. I am obese, mannish, tall, stupid and anxious; a nightmare to witness. Out of disgust, I adjust: mental illness and the successful ideal are opposites. I have to make up for the failures of my fried, adolescent mind. I go to college, I do well. Every day I pretend I'm capable, and every night I curl up and dig my nails into my own back. Two years into school, I run out of steam. My work suffers. I lose faith that I can ever be capable. This year, I become bitter. Lose weight? Fine. I foolishly mimick starvation and lose 100lbs in 9 months. It makes me sick. My fat body's skin hangs off of a thin frame. Nobody sees-- I'll never see my friends again, we're finishing our degrees online-- and nobody cares. I see myself today: a failed organism, writhing in desperation. No matter what I go through--loss, cruelty, abuse-- my simple failure to form overwhelms me. Quarantine and 8 months of complete isolation are the nails of my coffin. I'm way too wrecked to raise kids or succeed in my field. My line, from strong men and women who survived one of the most war-torn regions and periods in history, will end with me. It's hilarious that this is really all about wishing a guy would want me. If a man did care for me, I would be scared. I know I would fail him. You can never run from childhood mental illness. My rotten heart is contagious and I can't offer it. Dozens of therapists, countless medications, nothing works. I've spent the majority of my life hating myself. This is hell and I want to be free. In this life, I'll never be anything but a miserable, dumb, fat cow.

suicide

Can anyone else "pop" their shoulder? I don't mean cracking it like knuckles, I mean pop it, like when you move your legs weird and they pop in your hips. Interestingly, I can only do it with my left shoulder and not my right.

non-suicide

I don't know what triggered this huge influx of people asking their crushes out... But I'm happy for you all! May your days to come be filled with happiness. I'll join you all in the ranks of non single eventually brethren

non-suicide

Here's a Dramatic Pre-Suicide NoteSex is my obsession, I’m a porn addict. I masturbate and watch pornography every day, often on multiple occasions throughout the day. It’s been this way since 7th or 8th grade. I need to masturbate or else I don’t feel normal, but it doesn’t cut it anymore. I need something real, I need to love something, someone. I’m never going to find it. I’m void of emotion and anything remotely human. I’m morbidly obese. I have acne and sores all over my body. My father has sores even worse than I, to the point where I’m concerned for his life and the possibility of lethal infection. Genetically, this tells me that my skin will only get worse. I don’t think anybody in the last 6 or 8 years has been attracted to me. Today I laid in bed from 11am to 3pm, just curled up repeating the phrase in my head, “I want to die,” over and over and over again. I’m so alone, I spend most of my time alone, most human contact is forced and involves some sort of transaction. I’ve been lightly suicidal since the 7th or 8th grade. The idea has always been there, especially in rough times. I’ve always had the feeling that I’m not good enough, in middle school I realized that suicide was an option, it was always there as a way out. The only girl that’s ever liked me is my current obsession. She liked me in middle school and I turned her down because I thought she was ugly. This is literally the worst mistake I’ve ever made in my whole life. This person still and is currently in my life, and she’s by far the best thing in my life. I do anything I can to spend time with her, when I’m around her I feel calm and feel like I can tell her anything. I just want to do anything I can to make her feel loved and special, but she doesn’t want it. I’ve told this person I liked her and found out she’ll never view me as anything more than a friend/brother figure. I would marry this person in a second, I would go to the ends of the world for this person, but she has no intention of ever loving me or being attracted to me. I love her, but not enough to let her go I guess. God or the universe or maybe even luck gave me many chance for success in my early youth and I fucked it up. I feel like my whole life has been a series of missed opportunities. I had an opportunity to get a full ride scholarship for music and I turned it down to instead study science, yet another fuck up. Now I want to go to school for music, but I’m so rusty, I’ll never be good enough. I can’t look at myself in the mirror. My life is constant anxiety and lethargic wasted time. I gave up on science in my studies at college. I hated it, I only did it to maybe someday get a good paying job. I’m planning on going to school for music, but I’ll never be good enough to make a living off it. I don’t have the focus or intelligence to study anything. The only reason I can go to college is because it’s a business that does everything it can to make money, and my grandparents happened to be rich and willed me a lot of money for education. I have an amazing blessing that most people will never have, and I’ve already fucked away 3 years of time and money; time and money that could have educated and benefited a worthier person. I didn’t plan on writing a suicide note, but I guess this is it. A few months ago, I was planning on killing myself with sleeping pills, mainly as a cry for help. I wanted to die, but also didn’t. I knew that I would either die, which might be nice, or gain the attention of anybody that loves me, which also might feel nice for a moment. I didn’t buy the sleeping pills because a lethal dosage cost $60. It’s funny that I’m so cheap that I would back out of a suicide attempt due to money alone. Ironically, I’m going to spend around $200 on a shotgun tomorrow to blow my brains out. I don’t want to put on a show anymore, I just want to leave this world. I really want to die, I’m ready to see what’s on the other side of this physical world and find out if I can leave this cycle and prison of life. I don’t want it anymore, I can’t handle it anymore. To all my friends and family, I’m truly sorry if I’ve brought you any unwanted feeling or emotions, but this is my life and I didn’t want to live it anymore. This is no reflection against you all, I love you all very much and enjoyed every moment, I just couldn’t stand being around myself. Happy travels everybody and chin up, this world isn’t that important anyway.

suicide

I simply think I've lived long enoughI'm 21. I know that's not that old. I'll be 22 in a couple months. I just don't feel like it anymore. I've fucked too many things up. I don't think I have a chance at feeling content. I'm reaching a calm acceptance that I don't want my life to continue. It feels like it has run its course. I would like to be done

suicide

Typing one Bhagvat Gita verse day 2. **Sanskrit** न कर्मणामनारमभन्ननिश्चयम् पुरुषो स्तुते | ना सीए संन्यासदेव सिद्धी समाधि गच्छती (३: ४) *Na karmanammanarambhannaiskarmyam purusho snute* *na ca sannyasandeva siddhi samadhi gacchati (3:4)* **Hindi** क्रिया के न होने से न मनुष्य कर्महीन होता है और न ही त्याग से ही व्यक्ति पूर्णता को प्राप्त करता है। *kriya ke na hone se na manushy karmaheen hota hai aur na hee tyaag se hee vyakti poornata ko praapt karata hai.* **English** Not by renunciation of action does one become action less, nor by mere renunciation does one attain perfection.

non-suicide

I just need someone to talk to right nowGoing to this subreddit just made me realize it really never can get better. I've been sad for as long as I can remember. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks that have led to me ending up in a hospital from trying to hurt myself. I've tried calling friends and it's obviously too early and also probably nobody wants to deal with this shit. Lastt night I went out dancing because I used to love it and it would always cheer me up. Instead I just had random men grabbing at me and trying to put their hands up my skirt and disgusting shit like that. I ended up crying in front of everyone and my friends took me home but it made me feel like a wuss who can't be taken anywhere. I didn't leave the house for a long time because I used to be terrified of people. That's how I feel again. I don't want to go outside because everyone is so horrible. Why should I want to live when I can't even be near strangers without having a breakdown? I know what other people are capable of, I've had much worse things happen to me. I don't have any coping skills. I don't know what to do when I start having a panic attack or how to even prevent it in the first place. I'm from a very small town and moved to a big city and still am not used to the crowds. It doesn't always scare me but when it does I become completely broken and useless. I've been in this state of mind before and it terrifies me. I have little moments of realizing what's happening and being fairly reasonable about it but then two minutes later I'm back to freaking out and crying and wanting to hurt myself. I shouldn't have been born. This has been a miserable existence.

suicide

I did something wrong and now my arm is bleeding.I did something 'unacceptable' at school today and a teacher noticed. I'm most likely going to get reported. That could have extreme consequences that would destroy almost everything I had to look forward to in life. Naturally, I told my mother what I did, thinking it wasn't even that bad. She basically called me an idiot, a criminal even. She told me I should think before I act. I TRY. All this happened too many times and every time I get so scared and sad, but this is the first time I actually drew blood. Not vertically. Not yet. I only did it because I felt the need to punish myself. I'm scared of death but I will never stop fucking shit up. I fuck up school, friendships, everything. Even now I have no way to hide the cuts so I'll have to explain myself. The only person I could talk face-to-face about this is one of my teachers, but I'm terrified of approaching her. I don't know how to handle this anymore. It keeps getting worse every time but I can't help thinking of myself as a whiny, unappreciative bitch. I've never been closer than I am now, but I was so happy just a few months ago.

suicide

Years go by and only two left. (Outside opinion would be nice)Let me start by saying yes I know I probably need a therapist or something. I try not to pull in friends or family into my bullshit despite what my best friend says. I have always been bouncy in recent years. I generally put little regard in my own life in compare to others, I overthink, social anxiety, and doubt my own ability. Any stupid mistake I let hang and any attempts to try socialize outside my small group or online presence ends up making me feel even more left out afterward. But enough of that and let me explain the title. I have plan for longer than I'll admit to end it by age 30 if nothing really changed. I blame it on society for it "don't have high position, college education, and at least dating you are failure". Oddly enough I did get somewhat high position In job and i guess somewhat until a month ago I thought i was dating someone. It was just simple, good guy just not the person for her. Sure I can understand that, but she made it sound that trying to make someone happy and "successful"(yes bit vague but I don't want to do in details). Is wrong. Thing is I enjoy making people happy and lives easier for people I like. I could care less about my wellbeing. I'm nobody....I fucked up things badly when I got "selfish". So here I am, romantically lonely,dont want to burden loved ones, don't know how to expand out to people, doubt work performance and 2 years before 30 while thinking of most painful but less messy way to end it. (Sorry if bit ramble. I'm not, obviously, that comfortable in posting this but I still have a rational side)

suicide

I am an awful human beingI feel so guilty because I had sex a week ago. What if the person I did it with had Covid and they didn't know yet? What if I have Covid? What if I spread it to my grandparents? I would literally be responsible for their deaths. I feel like shit. I have fantasies of suicide but I can't really act on them. My anxiety has made it impossible for me to keep up a normal human relationship. Maybe it's time to start the downward spiral? There's no way I will ever feel like a functioning human being so I might as well give up? Give myself a year or so before I end it all? idk I just am tired of this shit.

suicide

Why is pro suicide bad? Yes i read the psa but im still gonna ask.You affect those around you- yeah but all pain is temporary right? Besides you have to keep in mind that they arent the ones going day in and day out with that same pain. You are just getting rid of a chance of a good life- There is always another side to that coin. I guess that depends on how confident you are and/or how lucky and/or how much support you truly have in order to make a logical choice. A well thought out Pros and Cons lists helps one understand that. Theres always a better option- maybe, regardless though, at least for people with depression, that feeling will remain and return someday. That is the feeling we would like to avoid more than a shitty situation. I was told that this feeling will never go away, it will just come and go so why must someone go through it everyday?

suicide

Im bored and sad so please comment something nice. Yeah im just sad for no reason and want attenction.

non-suicide

I am going to get some peope their ass I feel like some people iknow can fuck off Look, im a tall and big guy but i realised im way too nice to some people. They are my “friends but in the mean while the comment on everything about me, like: ay ur have a big forehead, ay ur fits look trash, u will never get a gf and more. There was also this guy that exposed me to my crush and showed everything about me to her. I think i need to beat some people up. Im done with this bullshit and i do not care if i get in trouble for fighting because i got bullied.

non-suicide

I'm not suicidal, but the thought keeps popping unbidden into my headLong story short, I'm at a low point in life right now but it's really not that bad. While I'm unemployed, I'm not socially isolated. I do stuff with friends and go to a weekly board game night. Still, the whole unemployment thing is getting to me, and sometimes when I try to think of how to resolve it, my brain comes up with suicide. I dismiss it, but it keeps coming up. I'm confident I'm going to eventually turn this around, but in the meantime this is just something I want my brain to stop doing. I also wanted to vent I guess because I haven't told anyone about this. There's a family history of suicide, and a few years ago when something similar happened, I mentioned this to my mother and she immediately called the cops to come check up on me, and that was an awful and unnecessary experience.

suicide

Offering help I'm just putting this out there to see if anyone needs advice or something to rant at or anything like that. It doesn't matter what, I'll try to help if I can and at the very least be a listening ear. I can't say I've gone through everything, or even much, but I can do what I can from what I've seen. Just want to help someone (Just adding this at the end, I don't know if anyone has noticed but I've been trying to put this up daily to try to help people. So not spam but I am repeating post. Don't know if it has ever had any impact or help, but gonna keep doing it on the low chance it does. Was kind of debating doing it today because of some irl stuff, but decided to anyway, although my response time might be longer than id prefer.)

non-suicide

I don’t know what’s wrong with meI’ve never lived a hard life. I’m only 18. I have a decent support group around me and i feel like I would be doing no one but myself a favour by offing myself. I just don’t understand anymore. What’s the point in going on if we all just die in the end. I’ve considered just veering off the side of the road but the thought that i might vegetate myself scares me even more then that great beyond. I know this might come across as attention seeking but i literally don’t know what to do with myself. I just can’t seem to get happy anymore. I get false happiness from abusing, alcohol mostly where i’ve had my stomach pumped at least 5 times. I just don’t know how to feel anything anymore.

suicide

Do hotlines really help?I’ve attempted suicide 2 times, once when I was 12 and once when I was 16 or 17. I’m currently 19, and I go to a University that has a suicide every year. As of recently, I’ve been having the worst suicidal thoughts and breakdowns, primarily from the things my dad/family says to me. It just triggers something in my mind telling myself that I’m “not good enough, that I’m a LOSER to my family name, plus a collective gathering of experiences in my past that have contributed into leading myself into what I personally believe to be, “a dark path”. Either I’m a snowflake, or my parents don’t believe in mental health. I don’t want to have myself convinced that I need to truly commit suicide, and increase my attempt count if it fails. Therefore, I’m asking those who have contacted helplines, do they actually help or are they going to be like a shitty high-school counsellor?

suicide

VentThis THING, whatever this is, started around a year ago. It used to terrify me. I used to cry all the time. I would lay in bed and try to hug myself to sleep. I could never sleep. I would take sleeping pills. I was desperate for a few hours of sleep just to escape this thing in my head. I would have panic attack’s. I don’t know if it was because I was scared of it all or just exhausted from not sleeping. It doesn’t terrify me anymore. I can’t cry anymore. I still can’t sleep but I stopped caring months ago. Now I’m just angry. I don’t have the strength or courage or whatever the fuck it is I need to make this end. I don’t want to exist in this world anymore. People who do want to exist, people who have a lot going for them, people who have friends and family that care about them are dying every day and here I am angry as fuck that I’m not one of them. It doesn’t seem right, it doesn’t seem fair. For fuck sake take me instead. I’ve read too many stories about failed suicide attempts. That’s what my problem is. Some girl tries to shoot herself in the head and just deforms herself instead of dying, some people are brain dead, some people just have a lifetime of debt. Attempting this and then failing is beyond scary to imagine and because of it, because I can’t stop over thinking everything, I feel like I’m stuck here in some lifetime of misery and pain. I’m wasting space. I’m wasting resources that others could be using by being alive. I’m a shell of the person I used to be. I just want this to end. I’m feel like I’m stuck in my own hell because I can’t stop overthinking how wrong things can go. How do I turn off my head?

suicide

I think this is itWell. Ive been thinking about it for a long time. And i feel like this time it really is the best option. I dont really know why im posting this. Maybe im seeking an answer that i havent discovered. Because i just dont think the issue is going to get any better. But only much worse. I have a plan. And i know this will work. Ive been walking all day thinking about it and preparing. Now im just waiting for i dont know.

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Mental and social problems are killing meBackground : ( I am not a native so this might be a bit incoherent so bare with me )I am living in what is called an "Islamic republic" where relashionships are controlled by a lot of religious limitations therefore having any kind of sexual contact outside of marriage can lead to jail as it is considered a crime... I know rules over here are stupid and the only making of it is horny teens with a lot of psychological complications as talking about sexual needs or preferences is totally forbidden ( therefore laws created a homophobic society as even homosexuality is considered a crime and an illness :( ) hopefully I was raised by an open minded parents and I got to chose whether or not I wanted to be a Muslim ( I am not) the problem is u can't express this publicly as everyone is supposed to be Muslim :( . The point is am really frustrated and I feel like I don't belong in here and I am tired of pretending to believe in something that I don't believe in and added to some psychological problems I developed a lot of suidal thoughts.. main problem : I never had a girlfriend and even though sexual connection is forbidden but people are open enough to accept a relationship based on love ... I am a bit socially awkward and I tend to fail at creating any kind of significant friendship with girls ( luckily they are not all wearing the "Islamic" thing ) but I have a few good boy friends that I hang out with frequently and have a lot of good memories with . As puberty started affecting and in my journey of exploring myself I fell in love with this girl (A) she was cutely shy and she never talks with boys and as a never talker with girls I started seeing a lot of things in her that made me think that we might have a lot of things in common . Long story short I kept my feelings for myself for a whole year and then I tried to have a talk with her through a friend but it ended up in her rejecting me ( she even refused to talk to me ) the reaction fucked me up big time even though it was kind of expected but the cruel way she handled this was way beyond the worst scenario that was going through my mind . I was actually anticipating the no but not in this way... I ended up hurting myself with a piece of glass and I almost slit my wrists ... I could not focus on studying so I failed an important final exam ...next year was actually good a new start In a new school and nothing to remember the girl . I studied hard that year and I got a school price for getting the highest marks and as soon as I started forgetting about the past (A) blocked me on fb . It was the most random thing that ever happened to me because even though I kept following her on fb I never commented reacted or even liked any of her posts ( they were a lot ) . A lot of you might think that things were bad between us actually it was not bad yes we were not friends but we were classmates for 3 years and even when I was mad or fucked up I never showed her any signs that can make her feel uncomfortable ..and now after 6 years I am sick of everything I realised that she is a spoiled rich girl( she might be from the 10% in my country ) always seeking attention ( she travels like 5 times a year and even when she is not traveling she is always partying and chilling in expensive hotels ) keep in your mind that I am from a third world country so what might look normal is considered a luxury and she is obviously living the most luxurious life possible in here . I don't really bother people being rich and spoiling their kids but analysing what happened to me with her it seems like she acted shit because of a feeling of superiority . I am by no means poor and even if I was poor I would not accept getting humiliated because of her dad's money . Now I am super resentful towards her and whenever I see her I feel like my heart is stopping. This and the school stress got me sick and I developed a thyroid decease ( rare for my age and gender) . I am now depressed and I gained almost 30 pound , suicidal thoughts are taking over and the world is just a wasteland in my eyes I know I am still but I also know that I have severe mental problems ( I have a lot of personalities in my head that I talk to and sometimes they make me lose control and sometimes I get into a lot of mood swings . I don't know what is wrong with me because mental health service is not a thing in here ). TLDR : mental and personal problems making me willing to put an end to my life

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The girl that took over my life and told me that she loved me plays me....I got a verry best friend that i loves more then everything. Now shes away with some other guys and i know that like 4-5 of them also loves her. I cant handle this more, she dosent answear me and she only send me stuffs like shopping with them and so. Im planing to take my life like tonight or go to hospital. I want to end everything in my life right here right now....

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Got Friend zoned after talking to a girl for a year and already saying we liked each other First off i want to say i'm not great a writing so please forgive me for any mistakes and stuff. So I met her at a camp like thing in the summer (4 weeks in total), I had seen her around but hadn't had the courage to go speak to her directly until near the end and it went pretty well, we did a couple of the activities together (like in a team with other people), and at the end of the last day she asked me for my insta which completely caught me of guard because i thought i was doing good but not that good, so i fumbled my words but eventually managed to tell her my insta, so the camp ended and some friends helped me to message her to hang out (to clarify sent from my account just they told me what to put because i'm as autistic as they come) and so we go to see a movie together and she turns up like 10/10 and i'm just there in a hoodie and jeans, but we have a good time. After the movie we went to a park and talked and a some point we both say that we like like each other, so i get home and i'm low key freaking out cause this smart and beautiful woman likes me back. So over the period of the next few months we hang out some more (we live kinda far away so not that often) and she even kisses me on the cheek at the end of one which felt amazing. Messaging each other was kind of limited outside of organising meeting up because hella autism, but in person it was great. So skip to a couple months ago she asks to do a call and for any normal functioning person yeah easy, but not for me, getting tons of anxiety but agree anyways because i like her a lot. Kinda awkward cause i'm dying from anxiety get through it tho, and do it a couple more times (not any easier) and on the last one she asks me why i'm so nervous because i'm not person, and i basically say using the internet to talk and message gives me hella anxiety and i don't want to mess things up with her by doing the wrong thing, I said it less direct than that but she got what i meant despite saying other wise at the time. So we ended the call and i feel good because i told her, next morning i get a message from her and i already know i gonging to be awful just from the notification because the first word she starts the message with my name like a fucking letter, and i literally collapse in my bedroom and i just start thinking of all the possible awful things it could be, and so eventually after like an hour i read it and its just as awful as i imagined, i'll summarise because i hate re reading it, *Cookie yesterday was awkward, i knew exactly what you were saying but didn't know how to respond to it, i thought we were just good friends and i'm not ready to be anything more*. So yeah that made feel like shit, it took me a half a day to reply and i ended up just saying *oof but ok,* this all happened a month ago so i would be feeling better if life didn't just keep memeing on me but i wont go into that because its hella complicated. Also i kinda want her to see this because writing this has been much easier than trying anything else and it made me feel a bit better.

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I got two A grades and one B grade!! I just wanted to share my grades here. I'm really happy. At one point I was getting D grades in the subject I got B so I'm proud of my progress.

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this post is for the girls with a youtube channel! i made some free outros to use !! [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jV9yXzKzoMM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jV9yXzKzoMM) i’m a girl myself and my target audience is mainly girls but if you’re free to watch it as a guy ^_^

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(My crush likes me!!! Don’t worry that’s not the main point) Any advice on dating? (M15 F15) For some reason I feel like it will be awkward now?? Idk why but any advice in keeping a good lasting fun relationship? Stuff to do? Idk

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Creating a final playlist...I'm thinking of what song (or songs) to play on the way out. Not a religious person, nor an angry one, will want to recall the good times with people I care(d) for, but not get lost in melodrama or heartbreak. What suggestions have you got for me?

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Nobody cares that im suffering dude:/

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Potential Od?Just took 10mg of clonazapam mixed with 2 mg Ativan and white wine I got home and just wanted to die. Is this an overdose or will I just fall asleep? There’s a hospital just down the street. I could walk there. Asking for a friend.

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How in the fuck should I go about coming out to my friends? So basically I've had the suspicion that I may be trans for like 5 years or something and I have been keeping it to myself for this entire time in case I regret it or something but at this point I think that is complete bullshit and just my brain keeping me from getting happiness and skirts. I wanna tell someone about it so my life could be easier, but how should I go about doing it? With a question, meme, or just flat out saying it.

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Should I go back to my high school or should I do my online school until i graduate? (Please help) So I left my high school after my first semester as a freshman. I just hated my high school. Everyone there was toxic and fake and I’m short so I got teased a lot and it hurt. Also it was so stressful because of my frequent tests and constant worrying and studying. I hated getting up in the morning and I had the biggest relief every for leaving every day after a long day at school. But then I got tired of all of it and decided to do online school. I started in January and I barely did any of it because I just don’t like how I’m learning anything. Maybe it’s because I searched up answers for exams but even when I did read the lessons it didn’t help. I do like how I can do it on my own time and I’m less stressed. But I also don’t like how I’m teased by my friends cuz I do online school. I didn’t tell them why I left my high school and I don’t want to as it was due to bullying so I just let the teasing happen. Now idk what to do. It’s hard for me to go back into high school due to covid and my parents jobs and only one person can take me to school. Idk

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My phone is on a 37% It makes me nervous having it under 50 and it is annoying me

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Posting this so I can award myself. Nriebejuebe jejeiejebeuue you hebsoowbejrn r Anne xhdkeleoneidowk this is a true story.

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Another interview for an entry level job, another gut feeling that I won't be hired.All I need is a chance

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Not depressed or suicidal, just need to talk/ventHey, so I don't know if this is the right place for this, as you can probably see I'm not suicidal, or even depressed probably, I'm just really down and have been for the past few days. I feel pretty awful, I'm not sure where to start with this so that it makes sense. This may look like a post looking for advice, while advice is welcome, I'm more looking for a place to vent/sympathy :) I live in a small village, very small, there are about 200 people in my High School and about 20 in my class last year. Accordingly this small tight knit atmosphere can make you feel so alone, and it did for me. Until I was around 15 I was bullied, very badly in the start though it got better until it stopped when I got older. That doesn't really bother me that much though at the minute, I've gotten over it really, what bothers me more is the loneliness I feel right now. For various (academic) reasons I have taken a year out after High School instead of going to University, and went to College for a year, so right now I am barely seeing people. Though it's not just the lack of contact that makes me feel shit, it's more a lack of female contact. Due to living in a tiny village and being socially inept until I was 16, I've never kissed a girl, which, at the age of 18, really depresses me. On Saturday I went out with friends I didn't really know (long boring story as to why we all went out), in a city (about 3 hours away) and I met a girl. I'd met her before years ago, and we became quite close friends but kind of drifted apart. Anyway we hit it off well on Saturday. (I think anyway, pretty sure there was something there, just don't know what that 'thing' was, just drunken mutual attraction or something more, other people did say stuff as well), I'm pretty sure I like her, she's pretty, smart, nice, fun, slightly nerdy, likes awesome music, probably cooler than me and artistic, all things I love in a girl, but there are two problems. Firstly she lives about 3 hours away from me, this is also a problem as I have no excuse to see her, and it's unlikely that I'll ever see her again until at least September (The University she goes to is my second or third choice university, but my first choice haven't responded yet) and even that is pretty unlikely. And secondly she has a boyfriend. I feel pretty down about this and it doesn't help that I spend all my time on the internet. College is only a couple hours each week and it doesn't really challenge me, I live at least a 2 hour walk from the nearest village, and I can't drive (yet). I'm looking for things to do, but I can;t seem to find anything, I've thought about exercising but find it hard to get myself motivated, plus there's not much to do apart from walk/run through forest, which never interested me. (I'm a pretty skinny guy, but by no means unattractive), apart from that I've got no idea what to do all day. Thanks for listening reddit, advice, sympathy and e-hugs are all very welcome.

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In 24 hours I'll be 37. I want this to be my last day.I never wanted to be here and have to do all this. There is no way out. I'm so tired, I don't even want to explain myself anymore. I did everything I thought I had to do, can I go away, now, please? Can this be over?

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Does anyone else get cuteness aggression? Like I’ll see something so freaking cute that I just wanna squeeze it or PUNCH IT. Yeah okay same.

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Do y'all ever just vibe to the existential crisis going on in you're head ? Like yeah I feel like complete shit and I'm getting super anxious but you play a good instrumental track and picture these thoughts as the lyrics and you got a good thing going

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Something that you may need to remember. You're a good person and you are skilled in multiple ways. Don't let yourself be convinced otherwise.

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Bruh, imagine being Aaron Burr in the afterlife. Like you're just vibing in the afterlife and suddenly you learn a bunch of theater kids hate you for some reason.

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well this sucks it's my last year of school and all my friends are going to different universities and I won't see them for ages but 80% of my happiness comes from being around them. Not looking forward to it.

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My cat just died. My cat, Strawberry, just passed. He was 15. I honestly just dont know what to think. Ive never not lived with that cat, he’s been around since before I have. He lived a good life, and he was comfortable in the end. When we got him, we were moving from kentucky back to tennessee. He was a couple of weeks old, just a small black kitten. Just before my family got in the car and left, he came running up and went straight to my sister, who was 2 at the time. My parents decided that they could keep him. Ive never lived without him. He lived a long life, and he lived every second of it. He will always be special, and will always hold a special place in my heart. RIP Old Man Cat 2005-2020. I just want people to know what I’m going through. I know that a lot of you probably dont care what im going through, but to those of you who do, I truly thank you.

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Guess something about me Litteraly anything, take a guess, il respond with the corect answer

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Look what you all did!Its like im in the mirror and im begging my reflection to notice me but even i dont see me .

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I'm going to do it within the next few days.All my life I have suffered. All they do is drug me up and send me off. Police found me on a bridge last night, sent me off to a hospital, "This will be the start of a new chapter, it'll get better" " Help is on the way" The doctors like to say. No. I'm done with this world and its lies. And you know what? I'm glad. I had an internal discussion within the past half hour and I'm certain this is what has to happen. Keeping me alive will make me worse off than dead. This pain is chronic. And it will only get worse, as it has done. No more. I want to be at peace. Shame I was dealt a shitty hand. But so some people's lives go. I'm just posting here because it wouldn't be bad if for once I could find someone who would really, really understand what I was going through. Before I go. Peace out, I hate this fucking world.

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Does anyone else just feel empty I don’t normally feel like that but lately I just feel so empty. Like I have no emotion, I’m not sad, mad, or happy I just feel like nothing. I guess I’m just seeing if I’m the only one

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2 days ago I took a inch of my hair Like a idiot me and my friend were messin at like 3 am dunking are Heads in water to keep are selfs awake I have this weird curly fringe bits that just hang over my glasses and I cut a inch of being dumb since it is normally curly it you have to do a dry cut but I was dunking my head in water And half a inch grew back so now I’m starting to look good again TLDR:I cut my hair like a idiot but it grew back real quick. is this normal ? Edit: my hair instead of curling is swooping to the side how to fix

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a memoir of my lifeIm not holding anything back in this post, if i work up the courage tonight(which being the coward i am in probably wont) this will be it. Im 16 years old, im a female, im 5'2, weigh 113 pounds and im mexican american. I have anxiety and depression from sexual, emotional and physical abuse from when i was young and because of fucking school. Ive always hated everything about myself, i wrote my first suicide note on the mirror of the 2 bedroom apartment me and my family lived in with my moms lipstick when i was around 8. I dont remember exactly what i wrote, but it was pleading god to send me to heaven and to make my family to care enough to bury me. My mom was cooking, my dad was at work and my siblings were with my cousins. I sat in front of the mirror, starring at my reflection for what seemed like an hour but was probably 10 minutes. I was crying at how ugly and worthless i was. After those minutes, i got up and wiped the note off with a sock and left to play tag. I have always been a coward. 8 years later and im still here, but i dont know why. Today i have 3 friends, but our friendships are nothing special. They tell me everything about their lives and i listen, but the second i try to open up about something from mine, they play the "whose got it worse" game and start telling me of stuff theyve heard on the news. I have never had a boyfriend, i understand why though, im fucking repulsive. Everytime i look in the mirror i feel such disgust, I dont beliieve there will ever be a day were im actually content. My mom is fucking beautiful, which is why shes constantly cheating on my father and introducing me to her weekly boyfriends. People look at me, then at her and laugh. I think i look like my dad. I loathe in self pity. School is fuckign insane. I go to a highly competitive high school and have low grades. Everyone has everything together, except me, the stereotypical mexican. My teachers tell me to get my grades up, but when i ask for help tell me ive missed my chance or that i should of asked before. This is all my fucking life. There is nothing left thats worth going on for. Im a waste of space, I just want to die already.

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I made a discovery. Don't let this get lost in new. If you check out Top Posts of all Time of the subreddit, you will really see how downhill we've gone. It's honestly heartbreaking. At least we weren't always like this.

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Anyone interested in joining a discord server? 50+ members open to anyone PM for link filler filler filler filler

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No hopeI contacted the suicide prevention hotline through text it was alright but because of my situation I couldn’t really be helped. I felt like a jerk every time I sent a text because I’m so used to letting other people vent to me and when I tell people I want to die, they take it as a joke. I was so happy but after about 30mins to an hour it went back to emptiness. I want to feel something more often, I want to love others, I want to really hate someone, I can’t do that though, so I’m useless. I get good grades in school, but that doesn’t matter. My life plans I can’t do in the best way possible until a few years from now and I don’t think I can handle any more of life. Of course I’m still in school, I would say my age but if I did I think that it would just help to get this ignored. I want to feel something, but there’s nothing available to feel, I want either large emotions fast or for me to be released. I have no hope even for when I do start on my plans cause it could easily fall down and I end up homeless. It doesn’t help that most of my friends are complete asshatted bigots. I just wanna take my god damn toaster and cleanse my fucking soul. I have no fucking reason to keep wasting my time here.

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Anyone wanna cry and hug for a few hours? I have no particular reason. maybe we could eat some cookies together and maybe watch a movie or something?

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Sed Lif: Episode 4 Welcome to a new episode. ​ Today's question is: What is the worst cuss word? ​ Leave your answers in the comments below and I'll pick my favorites in the next episode of Sed Lif.

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Suicidal I don’t know why3 weeks ago my friend commit suicide. It really fucked me up. I’ve had bipolar all my life but ever since this happened I feel like I’m having disturbing thoughts. I don’t feel depressed or hopeless, I know that people care. But at the same time, I’m so overcome with apathy and I want to kill myself. I keep imagining how good it felt when he jumped and just left this earth. I feel like someone is trying to convince me to cross over to the other side. I’m confused and I don’t know if this is normal.

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I'm going to try again. Please, SW, you may be my last hope.I've tried to kill myself 9 times, two of which I asked for help here. Last time, I was sent to a mental hospital for six days. While I was there, I found out my girlfriend had also tried at the same time(and failed). She was an outpatient while I was an inpatient. I got help there. I learned to cope. I was prescribed to depression, bipolar, and ADD medicine, which has improved me in leaps and bounds. But for the past month, I've been pissed off for no reason. I finally broke today, and formulated a plan for my next attempt. In two hours I will take half of a bottle of Prozac. I will wait thirty minutes, then call the police. If they get me to a hospital in time, they win. If they don't, well, I guess I'll win.

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I’ve fucking had enough.None of this depression subs have helped me once. I’m an ugly, useless piece of shit and I’m going to fail at school. I thought about waiting a few years until after I graduated to kill myself but I think I’ll cut my time short. Speaking of cutting, I’ve started self harming again. Punching myself in the face till I’m black and blue, cutting up my biceps. I’ve had enough. I will end it soon.

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paralyzing anxiety & depression are pushing me to the edge (20F) long postHello, I've never posted something like this before. I'll try to give a quick rundown as a backstory for anyone who may care enough to click on this post. I hope the language and story itself doesn't come across as dramatic or like I'm whining about anything. I am suffering, and truly don't know what to do. Basically, I have two types of uncomfortably debilitating trauma (r*pe & molestation) that sends me into dissociative episodes quite frequently. To cope with this, I made the healthy decision to go to counseling at my university. I worked with my counselor, a lovely man, for about a year and a half (November '16-~March '18) to try and understand the trauma better. I definitely have worked extremely hard in this aspect and while I am obviously not comfortable with it, I can cope. I also have history of EDNOS/binge disorder/elements of anorexia, essentially a horrific relationship with food and my weight, AND have a weird form of body dysmorphia where I don't trust mirrors or cameras and have no idea what my body looks like, which obviously bothers me extensively due to my history with body image issues. In late Feb. 2018, I experienced an extremely long depressive episode wherein I self-harmed at night to distract myself from the thoughts I was experiencing (never thought I would make it to the age of 20 because my childhood and teen years were spent with severe suicidal ideation [picked a date, harmed, etc., but never really had a plan] and I assumed I would die before then). I was essentially in what several professionals have told me was 'crisis mode' and took it upon myself to go to emergency counseling via my university again (note: at this point had never been diagnosed except by my counselor, had never been to therapy other than counseling), but MY counselor was out for the week and my assigned counselor thought I was having a manic period [note: was not consequently diagnosed with bipolar or borderline although I have suspicions] and sent me to an inpatient facility for about a week. I was put on Lexapro [major depression diagnosis], Seroquel [GAD and sleep aid, at night & PRN], and Vistaril [GAD, 1x daily and PRN]. Lexapro had me manic for a full week which I've heard is a sign it's not compatible with you, but I tried to stay positive after the mood drop and continued to take it. I HATED Seroquel, it fucked with my sleep so horribly that I fully took myself off it after about 3 weeks. I felt guilty about this but at the time I was trying to readjust to going to classes after missing a full week and didn't want my sleep issues to get in the way of it. I had also received follow up instructions from the hospital I was at that essentially told me I only had a 30 day supply of the meds and needed to get a permanent supplier and therapist. Naturally, I did not. I tried my hardest, but every local facility never picked up my calls and returned my voicemails when I could not answer the phone. I was playing phone tag with literally fucking no one, and consequently gave up on the search. This is where I began to lose my grip on my motivation to 'get better'. I was able to receive an emergency month's supply after my first prescription ran out from my PCP, but after that month's Lexapro ran out, I convinced myself it was hindering rather than helping me and weaned myself off of it. I have not tried to contact a psychiatrist since, and this was about 1.5 months ago. The depressive episode continued, or maybe just blended into the one I'm in now, and post-Lexapro I was experiencing very consistent and DAILY dissociative symptoms. I would 'wake up' from walking around campus and not know how I got to where I was standing. I lost hours upon hours and consequently started to lose my grip on reality. This also didn't help my body dysmorphia and I felt like I was going insane. I had another self harming episode and stopped going to all classes. Instead I would wake up at a random hour in the afternoon, ask a few friends what they were doing, and go and smoke with them. To pinpoint when this started, it was literally right after this year's Passover/my Spring Break, so I've been like this since the beginning of April. I began making jokes about how I hadn't been sober in a month, but they really weren't jokes. I was dependent on the weed for a lot of things, including forcing myself to eat. On Lexapro I was rarely hungry and my stupid eating disordered brain loved it. Off Lexapro, the thought of food made me nauseous and I would start to gag if I tried to eat anything, UNLESS I had smoked weed prior to trying to eat. Currently, I take Vistaril PRN and have genuinely not had a single sober day in two months. I've lost all sense of who I am and any of my passions. I have three fucking majors in college that I LOVED. I FUCKING LOVED LEARNING AND WRITING ACADEMIC PAPERS AND DOING WHAT I LOVED. And now my depression is eating me alive and I just don't know how to escape it. I failed all my classes this semester. I gave up completely. I have absolutely no motivation to help myself after phone tag and the medication not helping. I also still cannot see a future for myself and have been getting increasingly more and more suicidal the more anxious I get over letting myself just fail a whole semester and fail myself by not taking care of myself. I don't know if you can tell, but it's one of the most vicious cycles I've been trapped in since I was restricting my calories at 11-18. I am home from college for the summer, and my mother knows NOTHING. She thinks I adapted well to being back in classes, or at the very least thinks I passed. She doesn't understand mental illness very well, and it's not like I want to sit her down and tell her, 'Hey, I want to kill myself because I've ruined everything for myself completely'. I also honestly don't care about myself enough to reach out for help. Typing this out right now, it's not even a cry for help. The whole point of this post is me needing coping mechanisms, I guess. I can't eat without nausea, and if I eat while high I eat too much to the point where I feel as though I'll puke. There's no calm medium in my life anymore, and my options are between two extremes. Today, I tried to eat the pasta I had as leftovers from lunch (where I had literally two noodles and gave up) and basically chewed the food until it was mush, spat it out, tried to make myself puke into the sink in front of my mother, started crying, launched into a panic attack, ran downstairs to find my Vistaril in the unpacked car (from moving out of my dorm), and sat in the car for an hour contemplating if I was going to give my life one last try or just kill myself. Right now, I do not know where I stand in terms of my own life. I daydream about overdosing. I've gotten to the point where I feel as though nothing would change if I were dead -- which is really bad, considering that when I had suicidal ideation as a teenager, I always told myself that so many people would be sad if I died, and I had things keeping me around; essentially excuses that I guess worked. But now I don't fucking care, I feel like I'm constantly at battle with my brain and if I make the wrong move, I have physiological reactions that I can't quell. Nothing is fun anymore. My self esteem is at an all time low after gaining 20 fucking pounds in 2 months. I want to either be dead or to be at a point in my life where I am fully medicated on something that WORKS for me, and back in school fixing what I created for myself this semester. The latter option takes so much effort, time, and care that I simply do not have. I'm basically toying with my life, lmao. I don't feel like going through month long round of different medications to see 'what works'. I don't feel like dealing with dissociation. I especially do not want to be living in the body I'm in right now. (Another telling sign that I've given up is that when I was younger, I very closely followed the stupid pro-ana mindset of "I can't die until I'm skinny"; but now I'm overweight and if I died this way I wouldn't care.) My biggest flaw, as you may have picked up on, is that I am too aware for my own good. I see every path I can take from this very second forward, and some end "well", and some end "badly". I don't know where to sort "killing myself" and "getting help". My apathy is either hindering me from doing what's right (I suppose getting help) or pushing myself to die. There are so, so, so many healthy steps I could take for myself. I could protect myself and help my future. I just can't bear the idea of staying alive long enough to have one. I apologize for the long post.

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i have a cute ribbon tied around my neck and my thighs are soft hell yea apparently wanting to take care of someone you're in love with has something to do with obsessive love disorder and uh

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How ba-a-ad can i be? I’m just doin’ what comes naturally. How ba-a-ad can i be? # this song makes me feel like I’m on LSD

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I know no one here cares but anyways I was fighting sans in undertale and I was doing very good I had 39 hp and was gonna fully heal before his final attack because I had most of my healing items when I clicked fight I realized I fucked up because the dialogue for his final attack appeared and I got to the very last attack with 9 hp then died fml

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My mom tried to kill herself today. I feel lost.It's the second time this happened. I am so tired. I feel like me and my siblings are making all the wrong choices. We tried to have her committed because we felt that she was going to try it again, and all that did was worsen things. I have been dealing with depression myself and I have had thoughts about killing myself too for a long time. I don't know how to get better myself and look after my mum. We don't know how to guarantee her safety in the long term I haven't slept for a while now, I am going to try to get some rest. Even if this isn't read by anyone I don't have where to share these feelings.

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I’m a fucking scummy person and I can’t change itEver since I was 5 I’ve been the kid who’d get in trouble all the time. Never got any awards for being good and always ended up with something big like suspension. My grades are bad at the moment and I just haven’t been doing hw because I just fucking conk out every time I start. So I’ve been getting scalded for it for about a month now. Obviously it’s well deserved but I just fucking hate myself and the way I am because I always do the same shit every time. I always end up doing the same thing over and over. I’m ungrateful, disrespectful, and really just scum that shouldn’t exist. The only problem is me and I can’t fucking change myself and I fucking hate myself for acting like a fucking prick. I fucking deserve it if I shoot myself in the head with a gun or jump in front of a train.

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I did something today I went sledding with my friends. It may not seem like much but for me ot is a pretty big milestone after all that i am going through. I am proud of myself :)

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If you don't like rock then your not going to get anything on this but here I go https://musictaste.space/match/lavish-walrus-913-visionary-eggs-973?r=1

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You how you can tell i have so many friends and is not lonely and everything deprived? I pre-bought little nightmares 2 and I count the days till it comes out

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pee probably tastes like salty tea😏💦‼️ can someone who drank pee before confirm this🙄‼️

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The usual stuff you find hereI'm not posting this for sympathy or pity because I know there are far worse situations then mine but I just want to get this stuff out there. But it just seems in my life that there is no point to. Everything I have done in life I have ruined or quit, I have isolated myself from everyone even my own family. Not even like telling them (my family) would help, they'd just consider me psychotic and they are probably right for all I know. I'm 18 and have no sense on what the fuck the universe wants from me, and thinking about it, seems like the universe fucked up when they made me ( I know that's not how I'm "made" just fuck off) because I don't think it knows what it wants from me, and all I get from people trying to help is how they went through "rough patches" and just got to tough it out. I'm done "toughing" it out, life shouldn't be toughing it out. I look around in my family and since I'm the youngest I've seen all the ridiculous shit that has happened to them all and it's fucked, And I post this in this area because this isn't the first time I have felt like this, I have tried to take my life before, and couldn't do it. WHAT A BITCH I KNOW, I mean seriously what cruel joke is being played on me. I despise my life and just want to know what it would be like if i ended it and I can't even do that. It's so fucked too because whenever I was around "friends" I would just put on this macho toughness guy like nothing hurt me and I just kept everything bottled up, and there shouldn't be anything in my life that I should complain about because I had the option to make it better but what good would come of it. I failed out of college because of this and I will probably never get back of track, so that light so-called light at the end of the tunnel is getting smaller by the day.

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I still haven't beaten the first boss in Hollow Knight. I've only fought it a few times and I always die really early in the fight. I'm terrible at this game y'all. :(

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