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blog30102 | The seminars lasted for a week. Through Monday to Wednesday were the free sessions where TM was briefly introduced to all those who were willing to learn about it. The seminars after Wednesday, though, were restricted to those who were determined to proceed and were ready to pay the "small" fee | blog |
blog30102 | "Come inside, beautiful. I'm afraid of your loosing the plot." he said with a futile attempt to reach out to his daughter. His daughter... | blog |
blog30102 | Bee hissed back a reply that rings in my ears even today, "You should have been mourning right now! Not behaving as if everything is normal because it is not!" With that she turned around and left, leaving a jaw-dropped me behind. | blog |
blog30102 | I leaned back and crossed my legs trying to look as comfortable as possible - the only hint of my anxiety were hidden in my dead cold hands, "Actually, no." I said in an overtone, "But we all start somewhere, don't you think?" | blog |
blog30102 | Don't worry about him, though. We'll rape you first. | blog |
blog30102 | Never realizing this was due to a problem with the PC's Internet settings, I collapsed melodramatically in vain. Today, everything seems to have returned back to normal, peace and serenity are bestowed again and I am hoping to catch up with the Ontology as I planned. | blog |
blog30102 | [Setting: Right after Midnight. Plaster a Full Moon, enter wolf howl, approach two shadows to the site] | blog |
blog30102 | "Hmm.. I'm not with you. Explain." | blog |
blog30102 | Hey hey! Let's not go into my dreams! | blog |
blog30102 | The afflictive, painful studio recordings were all through the summer and left Charon and I literally cut loose from Ichoir mentally. We were through with Avarel and his exaggerated self-indulgence alongside his keeping the majority of Ichoir | blog |
blog30102 | on his side , turning those that came to be our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, lovers and friends into total strangers. One by one, they left the neutral grounds for the enemy's side which was agonizing to experience beyond description. | blog |
blog30102 | She smiled softly, "Your posture and the way you wear your hair definitely mark you as one. That and the exceptionally long neck. You resemble your mother, indeed." | blog |
blog30102 | When it was over, I was looking at my nails while "Well.." he said with a half smile, "..although I shouldn't hint at the results beforehand, you passed with flying colors". I nodded and thanked. Raising my stare, our eyes met and that moment I realized the coming days were going to host some serious ego clashes between him and I. I sparkled back a cocksure smile to his belittling smirk, took my bag and started crossing the room towards the door while he uttered a final, "Be here at 5 pm on Wednesday" behind me. | blog |
blog30102 | I shook my head and took a deep breath, "No. I had to deal with enough departures. I will not go through that again. I will wave you goodbye towards your star-lit career in Australia and that will be for the last time." | blog |
blog30102 | "What was it like?" he demanded, not turning towards her. | blog |
blog30102 | "No." I hit back straightforwardly and tried my best to sound as sincere as possible, "But I have sang half-professionally for years so I have fundemental knowledge about articulation. After all it is a vital key when you are recording in a studio." | blog |
blog30102 | "A pity. It really ran to waste for him." | blog |
blog30102 | Alright at least I wasn't called a "sissy" but this was the next worse thing to be called (after "eww he's spookkiieee"). I remember feeling so numb that I came home, gave the flowers to my mom, barely remembered her gratitude before I locked myself in my bedroom. I think I sat on my bed thinking repeating something like "There'll be one day when all the world will admire me for my beauty and talent. I swear you'll be sorry for what you said!" a zillion times until I was called for dinner. | blog |
blog30102 | Oh what a blissful moment that was. I closed my eyes, smiled and waited patiently for the blood to reach above my nostrils.... | blog |
blog30102 | He sat across me on the floor, nodding slowly and silently as I told him all that I had to go through by myself. His patience was amazing because when I stopped talking it was near midnight and obviously I halted just because I had the inevitable jaw-ache. Sometimes I cried as I spoke... at others I was like a 6 years-old who had memorized his part in the play, ie. as fast and monotonous as I could get. All he did was to listen to me, refill my coffee mug occasionally and eventually held my hands in his. | blog |
blog30102 | My life was studded with chemotherapy and radiotherapy sessions, exams as I was soon to graduate high school and paradoxical mood swings that got worse daily. Still, I was doing my best to keep them all to myself until one day the winter sun hid behind a cloud leaving everything cold & grey... | blog |
blog30102 | Go ahead! You play hide and seek until you get disgusted because you step onto some horse manure and quit in the middle of the game. What you don't get, babe, is that this is all about shit! If you can't endure the filth, don't go for it! | blog |
blog30102 | I so hate it all... I so hate to see it all, too.... but alas! I am a part of it. *sighs* | blog |
blog30102 | I checked my watch.. It was only 12 am. Oh well, I did not have that divine a patience to wait up until 3 pm, doing nothing... | blog |
blog30102 | Tears rose before my closed eyelids as I buried my face to his shoulder. The Boreas retreated and the weather outside started calming down as I formed an image of my father in my soul, thus adding the finishing touches to my scarecrow. | blog |
blog30407 | I'm going to figure out something to watch and glide for 30 minutes. I know, I could watch the 30 minute glider tape workout. | blog |
blog30407 | It just seems like too much work to redo all my numbers for a lousy 50-60 calories. Sigh. Well, you know of course I'm going to do it. | blog |
blog30407 | 40 minutes on the glider. Not bad. | blog |
blog30407 | I'm kind of dragging today. I think it was the movie. I'm watching Lovely and Amazing, and it sort of sucks. | blog |
blog30407 | It just occured to me that I should use Bucko's ice-water thing from his knee surgery. Unfortunately, we don't have any ice! The freezer water is disconnected. I just put in an old fashioned ice cube tray, hope it doesn't take long. | blog |
blog30407 | The pistachios are haunting me. At least I was honest and recorded them, but I think I might have to send the rest to work with Bucko. | blog |
blog30407 | I read about "Skinny Cow" brand low-fat and no-fat ice cream bars and sandwiches. They look pretty good. 130 calorie each, 0 or 20 calories from fat, 22 grams carbs. | blog |
blog30407 | I don't think I'll keep the leftover half for tomorrow, I'll just toss it and go back to chicken and rice. So much for experimentation... | blog |
blog30407 | 5:33 p.m. Making a delicious dinner of salmon; sweet potato, onion, and green pepper sautee; and devilled eggs. The eggs are mostly for Bucko, since he loves them, but I just ate one. Or two halves, that is. Not bad, but I put in too much mustard. You know, I have been wondering about the "Points" system in Weight Watchers. | blog |
blog30407 | Since I've been exercising I haven't had problems with my heels, and the stairs are easier. Going up them is still difficult, but my knees are behaving better. So there's some great progress, no matter what the pounds are. | blog |
blog30407 | 4:08 p.m. Haven't been writing in here much today because I've been out a lot and on the phone. Bought the vinyl tiles for the kitchen floor today -- they're gorgeous. | blog |
blog30407 | My new purse is disintegrating already. Damn you, Wal-mart. | blog |
blog30407 | I mistakenly bought the fat-containing brand this time. At least it doesn't have lard. | blog |
blog30407 | Yep, that's right. The last day of Week Four. One whole month done. Incredible. | blog |
blog30407 | Anyway, here's my plan for today: I am going to have one martini whenever I sit down for the day (4-ish), and then two martinis tonight, with an optional vodka and soda. I know that's four drinks, but they're spread out pretty far, so I'll allow myself that. | blog |
blog30407 | If it doesn't, then there's just nothing that will, and that's a very frightening thought. OK, I won't think that way. | blog |
blog30407 | So let's call it a pound and a half. My weight at the end of Week One was 258.75, so my new weight is 257.25. | blog |
blog30407 | I'm looking at this website, www.reneesgarden.com, that sells gourmet and heirloom seeds. Flowers, vegetables, herbs. | blog |
blog30407 | She seems to eat a normal amount and type of food. Not all that Smart Ones crap. | blog |
blog30407 | I'd prefer something mindless, but just can't face any more gliding. Unless there's something really absorbing on TV, it becomes dreary. | blog |
blog30407 | I can only hope I don't fit the norm, and start losing weight faster. Yeah, I know a really good way to do that would be to stop drinking so much! | blog |
blog30407 | Damn. It's pretty scary. The thing I can't get over is how big my stomach is. It's ENORMOUS. | blog |
blog30407 | Taking a little break from cutting and hauling wood. Oh yes, this will account for my exercise today. | blog |
blog30407 | Let me give an analogy. You like to drive fast? Well, I like to shoot guns. Seriously, I enjoy shooting at targets. So I go to a shooting range, where there are rules about how and when and where I can carry my gun, load it, and fire it. | blog |
blog30407 | I started this weight loss attempt in December 2003. My starting weight was about 260 pounds, starting size a 26. My goal weight is 135-150, maybe a size 12. | blog |
blog30407 | "P". I am sorry to leave Huahine but eager to see Bora Bora. Hoping the hotel will offer better food, and maybe some night life. Much as I love Te Tiare, I have to admit there is NOTHING to do here at night. | blog |
blog30407 | I think I'd better do some more gliding today -- both to delay the drinking and to work off the calories. And I need to get off the computer, except for writing in here. | blog |
blog30407 | I've tried to lose weight several times in the past, and can say with honesty that I've never lost a single pound before. This time it's working, albeit slowly. I mostly credit the fact that I've been working at home instead of at the office for the past four months or so. Stress can make you gain or retain weight by messing with your hormones, and I guess I'm the poster child for that particular situation. | blog |
blog30407 | For no good reason. What the heck is with me? | blog |
blog30407 | Found a couple web pages I like, SkinnyCat and Mr. Ointy. Most of these blogs are people doing WW, so they talk about Points all the time, but I'm getting a lot out of them. | blog |
blog30407 | Definitely feeling better after walking and stripping. Heh. | blog |
blog30407 | I look flabbier than I used to. More saggy. I suppose I can expect some changes along the way. I keep pulling my ring on and off to reassure myself. | blog |
blog30407 | That's why I identified so much with Ju-Ju's review of "Passing for Thin." She says "Frances... fell in for that brand of easy sarcasm that passes for comedy these days... self-deprecating humor, belittling humor... But as the book goes on, as her fat comes off, as Frances becomes more and more exposed, vulnerable, willing to take on and take responsiblity for changing things, she becomes more and more and more genuinely funny, likable." | blog |
blog30407 | I'll have to look it up, but I'm thinking 400 calories minimum. Sigh. Sure was delicious, though. | blog |
blog30407 | Felt very cold last night in bed, I had to get two extra blankets. I read in Skinny Daily Post that you will feel colder as you lose weight. I wouldn't have thought I've lost enough for that to happen, but on the other hand I may have lost a lot of FAT if not pounds, and that would have an effect. Either that or it's for some completely different reason! | blog |
blog30407 | I took a couple aspirins, and ate a quarter-can of soup. I am ravenous, and Bucko will not be home with dinner for at least an hour. Another night of no-cooking; he wants to leave the applicances alone until tomorrow morning, so the tiles have time to "set." | blog |
blog30407 | My progress is so slow that I feel like I lost several pounds after the first four weeks, and nothing has happened since then. So I want to remind myself that the first time I was able to wear the Measurement Pants was February 19. That's exactly seven days ago, on Day 52. So obviously there has been continuous progress. Maybe today I'll try the Measurement Shorts and see how that goes. | blog |
blog30407 | I have a little bit of work, which I will try to get out of the way after my workout. Then maybe I'll have energy to do something around the house. And try to delay drinking. | blog |
blog30407 | I just transferred $1000 from savings to get through the first half of January, and I'm not sure it's enough. We just spent over $300 on getting the HVAC fixed. | blog |
blog30407 | I need to be drinking more water, too. There's no doubt that dehydration doesn't improve my mood, and I haven't been drinking enough. | blog |
blog30407 | My numbers from last week are SO bad, that I'm not even going to spend time bitching about it. It could have been worse, and I'm doing the best I can. So now let's just move on to this week. | blog |
blog30407 | Can't weight lift because I did it yesterday. Can't say I feel like Richard Simmons or Cindy Crawford, either. | blog |
blog30407 | Hmm. Is this going to run in ten or eleven-day cycles? | blog |
blog30407 | 3:19 p.m. Oh, and by the way... I AM WEARING THE MEASUREMENT PANTS TODAY. | blog |
blog30407 | As they say, that's a whole other person. That's a serious undertaking, but there is just no way I would consider WLS. I might be very fat right now, but I'm also very healthy. My only health concerns are the greater RISKS involved -- I don't have anything wrong with me right now. | blog |
blog30407 | I suppose it could have been the pizza, but I ate that so early in the day I wouldn't suspect it as the main culprit. Perhaps the french fries, then. | blog |
blog30407 | Also, just got a good look at myself in the mirror, and am completely horrified. How is it possible I'm this fat? | blog |
blog30407 | I am FULL of water. Very full. | blog |
blog30407 | Got something to say? You can email me at "somedayisnow00" at yahoo dot com. | blog |
blog30407 | I was pretty hungry in the afternoon and evening. So I'm going to be careful about going too extreme, because then the temptation to eat something bad will be too much. Yeah, I don't like using the word "bad," but I couldn't think of a more appropriate label. | blog |
blog30407 | So let's just use the average of all those figures. To lose one pound a week, I should eat 1802 calories a day (12,614 a week); for two pounds, 1303 calories a day (9,121 a week). This is at a moderate activity level. | blog |
blog30407 | I don't know whether it has anything to do with the bed or pillows. That's what I always suspected, but then I read somewhere that it's what you do during the day that causes back pain at night, not the bed. I dunno. | blog |
blog30407 | I'm trying to get him to use the glider, for cardiovascular exercise, but he doesn't seem to have taken to it. Ah ha, I have to take that back, he just put in about 10 minutes on it. Yay! | blog |
blog30407 | I guess I'll have to get used to that, because the glider will be right in the dining room. Although probably I'll do it when he's at work. But on the weekends -- if we don't have major yard/house work planned, I'll have to do the gliding. Speaking of, just got a confirmation email from Wal-Mart saying it has shipped and will be delivered sometime between Thursday and next Wednesday. Yeah, that's a tight schedule. | blog |
blog30407 | No normal person can live on that. I'm toying with the idea of a juicy greasy meal to celebrate getting through two weeks, but I'm not sure that makes sense. | blog |
blog30407 | 3:44 p.m. I tried to take my Before pictures, but couldn't figure out how to put the camera on timer or remote control. | blog |
blog30407 | It makes no sense - I must have lost in my waist to be able to fit in the Measurement Pants, but it never shows up with the tape. Oh well, I guess that's why I need several different methods of tracking progress, no one of them works consistently enough. Anyway, good news that I am down in some areas. Speaking of the Measurement Pants, I am wearing them today but they seem a bit snugger than last time. I may indeed have put on a pound, or perhaps my stomach is bigger than usual today. | blog |
blog30407 | I think I need something good to happen, to give me a little boost. Like for one of my tables to sell, or to actually lose some weight. I need a little encouragement. | blog |
blog30407 | So I'm going to stay home and get in an hour on the glider. I haven't been exercising enough recently, and I need to stretch out all my muscles after yesterday. Maybe I can also clean up the house a bit. | blog |
blog30407 | It isn't quite backbreaking, but it's very hard work. Good. | blog |
blog30407 | 9:32 a.m. Putting on the rubber molding in the kitchen. After that, put the dishwasher skirt back on, the heat register back on, and we're done! | blog |
blog30407 | I think it was from eating the red grapes right before bed. I shouldn't eat before bedtime anyway, and maybe all the sugars weirded me out. | blog |
blog30407 | What went wrong with these? I dunno; everyone else loved them, but they didn't do it for me. | blog |
blog30407 | And that reminds me, although I don't know why, that my BRAS are fitting differently. You see, all this time I've been concentrating on the lower half, and I forgot that the boobs are the first thing to go. And hopefully also some back fat. | blog |
blog30407 | 10:06 a.m. Just did 30 minutes on the glider. For the last ten minutes, I alternated with five minute sets of weights. It KILLED me. | blog |
blog30407 | It's almost like going through the steps of grieving, or something. First there's this massive denial, then anger, then acceptance, and then finally looking beyond. | blog |
blog30407 | I needed to supplement my soup this morning, since I ate some of it yesterday afternoon, and I thought a Boca would be good. Damn! I'm already a hundred calories more than usual. | blog |
blog30407 | My numbers are bad. I mean, not AWFUL, I'm only 120 calories over target, but it's annoying. Jaeger and Marella are coming for dinner tomorrow, which means another day of big calories. I have to make sure to have a LOT of low-cal food around. | blog |
blog30407 | I hadn't thought about it before, but I haven't had sugar since Day One. Maybe that's causing the headache. | blog |
blog30407 | I guess I just need a little break between sets. Watching the new Dr. Phil Dysfunctional Family. My god those people are fucked up. Way more than the first family. | blog |
blog30407 | I was looking it up on the Calorie Counter page, because I didn't know how big a restaurant serving is, which is what I had yesterday. Turns out to be 4 ounces. | blog |
blog30407 | In good news, I did that letter to G. McN yesterday. It finally flowed from my brain relatively easily. | blog |
blog30407 | I don't really see any difference in myself. I look just as fat, to me. | blog |
blog30407 | I realized I need a belt to keep my pants up, if I take the size 24s with me. I have only one belt, not sure I've ever worn it. Anyway, I had to put a new hole in it, about 1.5 inches away from the smallest hole. So that will be a new way to gauge success. | blog |
blog30407 | I wonder if/when I will stop numbering the days like that. Maybe never, it's kind of interesting to see "where I am." Now that I'm realizing this isn't going to stop after two months, I even more want to know how many days it's been, because it will feel less like floating in a huge formless void of food deprivation. | blog |