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Bacon Duke University ThE ALArm cLocK IS, To mANY high school students, a wailing monstrosity whose purpose is to torture all who are sleep-deprived. Those who believe this are misguided, and are simply viewing the situ - ation from a twisted perspective. For when these imprudent early-risers blearily rub their eyes each morning, and search in vain for whatever is making that earsplitting noise, they are, without a doubt, annoyed. Why? It isnt because the only thing they desire is to sleep a few extra hours, as many would presume. no, these kids are groggy and irritable because they are waking up to what they think will be another hor - ribly boring day of school. If one of these foolish Sallys or Joes were, say , sleeping comfortably on a Saturday morning, I could certainly see something different happening. A beautiful breakfast of tantalizing vit - tleseggs, hash browns, and the likewould be ready and waiting for them on their kitchen tables. But the scrumptious delight to outshine them all would be a slab of bacon, piled proudly for the taking. It would be that wafting, wondrous bacon smell that would draw dear, sweet Sally abruptly from her slumberlong before an alarm clock has the chance to pierce the air. Oh, bacon: what a marvelous, glorious thing! I live for those heart - stoppingly good strips of succulence, so crispy and crunchy , so packed with perfection. The thought of having a plate of bacon every day , per - haps every school day , sends me into sheer waves of ecstasy! To be sure, many others would also wax poetic about this lovely breakfast food. But precious few would share this same zeal for learn - ing. I, however, can smugly decree that I do regard both very highly . I brightly waken every morning to the mellifluous joy that sounds from my alarm clock, a huge smile plastered on my face, and the yearning to learn in my heart. When I board my school bus Monday through Friday , it is still pitch black outside. Busmates will groan about how even the day has not yet dragged itself out of bed; I only chuckle through their thirty-min - ute rant fest as we chug down the freeway . Opting to be part of a far - away Magnet school, after all, has its benefits. My peers may still not look forward to waking up earlier, but when we are all together in a classroom, we take on the bacon mentality . I have the opportu - nity to choose from a wealth of diverse classes, and love arriving to school each day with the prospect of having a new Spanish History lessontaught to me in Spanish, for a change. Teachers, driven by the enthusiasm of their Magnet students, are inspired to create new classes for advanced students, including those who have completed AP Spanish Literature and are still eager to learn more, or those who want to learn about a specific aspect of a subjectwe now have a Middle Eastern History class. not to be outdone, the post-AP exam period of my English Language class included an intensive literature study , where we laughed at good ol Yossarian in Catch-22, and developed a strong attachment to Jay gatsby . Id like to think that The Great Gatsby s pursuit of Daisy is not unlike my own pursuit of bacon. Ive gobbled up new knowledge rapidly , hankering after it like any elusive bacon strip, and happily digesting any new bits of information. But six classes a year are simply not enough to satisfy my hunger for knowledge. Just as I eat bacon all three meals of the day (when pos - sible), I attempt to learn all days of the week. rather than make another trip to some lackluster movie theatre on the weekend, I dedicate my time to reading another good book, or reviewing Economics with my friends. But high school is starting to smell like leftovers to me now; I want fresh, new, crisp learning. I want not to read a textbook written by a renowned professor: I want to hear him speak directly . Im ready for the university , and hunger for all the new opportunities waiting for me! Ive finished my breakfast, and now its time to get going to school.
| Mariams essay Bacon uses lively language and plenty of humor to tell a story that highlights her eagerness to go to school. Her writing is casual and funny, and it conveys in a personal and genuine way her enthusiastic attitude. Bacon reminds us that topics do not have to be serious to be sincere. The metaphor of bacon is a very memorable one in image, smell, texture, and taste. Mariam capitalizes on these features in her beauti - fuland mouthwatering!descriptors of a Saturday morning breakfast of eggs. With a touch of humor and a hint of parody, she writes, Oh, bacon: what a marvelous, glorious thing! I live for those heartstopping - ly good strips of succulence, so crispy and crunchy, so packed with perfection. The thought of having a plate of bacon every day, perhaps every school day, sends me into sheer waves of ecstasy! Just when this celebration of bacon begins to appear over-the-top, and readers are beginning to worry that Mariam swapped a food mag - azine piece with her college admissions essay, she links the succulent bacon metaphor with school: To be sure, many others would also wax poetic about this lovely breakfast food. But precious few would share this same zeal for learning. Though Mariam takes a risk in waxing po - etic over bacon, she does so with carefully calculated dramatic effect that ultimately pays off. We are convinced that the yearning to learn is deeply engrained in our bacon-lover and early-riser author. Mariams narrative also shows us the sacrifices she makes for at - tending a Magnet school far from home.Mariam Nassiri Her use of the phrase ba - con mentality is original and creative. Mariams descriptions of her classes are specific enough to prevent them from reading like a list. Rather, she demonstrates the depth of her commitment in her classes by citing specific details like Y ossarian in Catch-22. Mariams essay demonstrates how she is able to fit impressive details of her life into a narrative framework, a strategy that can avoid the pitfall of sounding like bragging. Mariam follows the show, dont tell mantra when she mentions the Magnet school in the context of her long early-morning bus ride, and in celebrating her Spanish history class, which is impres-sively taught in Spanish. At the end of the essay, the bacon metaphor may seem overdone to some readers, as Mariam has gobbled up new knowledge rapidly, hankering after it like any elusive bacon strip and has expressed a desire for fresh, new crisp learning to satisfy her hunger for knowl - edge. She might have reduced the number of mentions of bacon and hunger. However, Mariams essay ultimately stands out for its origi - nality and unpredictable connections, like linking The Great Gatsby towhat else?bacon. |
Beyond Plug-and-Chug Math MIT I hAVE ALw AYS BEEN A mATh ScIENcE girl. I sighed and sulked through classes on US History and French in eager anticipation of the formulas and applications I would be learning later in the day . I believe there are many factors which attribute to my success, two being my fascination and persistence. When I was seven I once asked what math was good for and why I should learn it. The answer I received simply does not do math jus - tice, One day when youre in line at the grocery store the cashier will give you too little change and youll be glad you learned this. now in calculus I see the application of all these once foreign symbols, for - mulas, and letters. I am often amazed by the calculations I am able to do using the cumulative information acquired from nearly 12 years of education, such as how to maximize the volume of a box given a cer - tain surface area. Math is not just plug and chug as many view it but it requires creativity and thinking out of the box to solve the problems encountered in the real world. Beauty lies in its simplicity and in the fact that proofs and observations are what brought the golden rectangle from ancient greece, Pascals triangle, and the Pythagorean Theorem as well as a host of other theorems, equations, and postulates. Math has made the impossible possible and the once long and tedious, simple and quick. The genius of it is amazing as well as the fact that any per - son is capable of applying and discovering it. I draw graphs and try to make shapes from functions for fun, count to 10 to calm down, and save money at the store, too. For all of these reasons and many more, I am fascinated by math. Chapter 3: Academic Passion 25 I wasnt always good at math, contrary to what students in my classes might say . When I first showed interest in math in the 5th grade my parents laughed; middle school was even worse. Incoming 6th graders were given a test on the second day of school and depending on their scores were placed into a high or low speed math class. I was put in the slow speed math and missed a lot of class my first year, as a result my grade drifted from a B to a C to a C-, then I got help. I knew I liked math and I didnt want to do bad in it so I bought books and hired my older brother to help me. I eventually made it to a B+. Later, in the summer after my junior year, I took a course that covered nearly a year of Calculus. I was told that if I decided to take Calculus AB, I would be bored, so I went for a challenge. My strongest subject began to take up most of my time. I had to read review books, go online for help, and stay in during nutrition and lunch for extra instruction. It was hard, but my dedication paid off and I earned an A. This persistence and drive also help me excel in math.
| In this essay, the author begins by stating that she has always been a math-science girl. The honest confession that follows, I sighed and sulked through classes on US History and French, underscores this point. She goes on to provide specific examples of her fascina - tion and persistence regarding math, even causing a chuckle when she asks why math is useful to learn and receives an answer that doesnt do math justicebeing able to count change at the grocery store. This is comical, providing an excellent contrast to algebra with its foreign symbols, formulas and letters. The rendering of math as a foreign language shows us the fascination the author has with math and its applications. Her praise of math and vision for the potential of what to others might merely be a boring academic subject is memo - rable in its admiring tone: she notes the creativity and thinking out of the box math requires, and believes its beauty lies in its simplicity. The references to specific math theorems, equations, and postulates further strengthen the authors assertion that she is intrigued by all the applications that math has for the real world, whether they are ordi - nary or academic. The strength of this authors examples lies in their accessibility to a general audience. She summarizes this nicely when she writes, I draw graphs and try to make shapes from functions for fun, count to 10 to calm down, and save money at the store, too. The reference to saving money at the store nicely ties back to the original anecdote about math being undervalued in society. The second half of the essay addresses the authors persistence in math, following a most persuasive first section that clearly convinces us regarding her fascination for this area of study. I wasnt always good at math, contrary to what students in my classes might say, she writes. This first sentence of the second paragraph comes as a sur - prise, since we are accustomed to associating passion for a subject with skill in the field. This section shows that writing about a weakness and not meeting expectations can still make an effective essay topic. Though most people would not admit to getting a C- in class, this au - thor does so in an honest way in order to show the amount of progress she has been able to make. While the improvement in her grades is impressive, this anecdotal information might have been even more in - teresting had she spent more time explaining the ups and downs of achieving higher grades and taking a summer calculus course. Still, details the essay mentionssuch as staying in for lunch to get extra instructioncertainly attest to her dedication. Overall, this essay pro - vides a full and balanced explanation of the authors passion for math as well as her arduous journey toward excellence. |
A Different Kind of love Stanford University whEN I wAS FoUr YEArS oLd, I fell in love. It was not a transient love-one that stayed by my side during the good times and vanished during the bad-but rather a love so deep that few would understand. It was not the love for a person, but the love for a language. It was the love for Spanish. Having been born and raised behind the Iron Curtain, in a country where Western influence was limited and the official and only language was romanian, I was on my own. Everyone around me, especially my family , had trouble understanding what could possibly draw me to such a foreign and, in their opinion, unattractive language. But as they say , love is blind, and the truth of the matter is that I wasnt even sure what it was exactly that made Spanish so fascinating to me. The only thing I knew was that I absolutely adored hearing its perfectly articu - lated phrases, and trying to make sense of its sweet and tender words: serenades to my innocent ear. Spanish entered through my door on June 16th, 1994, when a man from the local cable company came to connect our living room to the rest of the world. That day , I was introduced to Acasa, a romanian cable network dedicated to broadcasting Spanish language telenovelas (soap operas) to romanian audiences. As I learned to read, I started as - sociating the romanian subtitles with the Spanish dialogue, and little by little, I began understanding the language. For a little girl who had yet to discover new aspects of her own language, this was quite an ac - complishment, but no one around me felt the same way . My father, enraged at my apparent obsession with the language, scolded me in - cessantly , declaring that: We are immigrating to the United States, not to Mexico! You should spend your time learning English instead of watching that nonsense! Sadly , my familys objection was only the first of many hardships I was bound to encounter. When I was nine, my immigration to the US forced me to say goodbye to what had become a huge and indis - pensible part of me. I needed to hear Spanish, to listen to it daily , and although Los Angeles could be considered a Spanish speakers paradise, my largely romanian neighborhood allowed for little interaction with the language. For six years, destiny kept us apart and the feelings that Spanish had evoked in me soon faded away . But high school brought about a new era in my life, an era in which my love for Spanish was revived and greatly amplified. For an hour a day , life was put on hold and I was able to speak and read Spanish more actively than ever. After two years of Advanced Placement Spanish, I not only understood the language to perfection, but spoke it flawlessly as well. There are no words that can describe how proud and greatly ac - complished I feel today at my ability to speak Spanish. During a recent trip to Mexico, I was mistaken more than once for one of the natives. One man, after seeing my romanian last name, asked me if it was my husbands, for undoubtedly , he believed, I was Mexican. given to a romanian girl, whose family members were oblivious to the language, and who had learned it on her own despite their objections, this was the greatest compliment of all. In the United States, Spanish is the sec - ond most spoken language and a great asset for anyone who speaks it. It is not nonsense, as my father had dubbed it, and being able to prove this to him has made me even prouder for loving Spanish. My love of Spanish has influenced much of who I am today . The fight that I led against family objections and immigration to a new land has allowed me to develop an ambitious and aggressive spirit in the face of adversity . It has made me stronger, and taught me that I must always fight with unstoppable perseverance for all that is important to me. I am determined to use my love and passion for Spanish to make an impact on the world. Currently , Spanish is the primary language of 21 nations around the globe, and one of the six official languages of the Un. I want to be the link that connects these nations to the United States, and to the 40 million Americans whose native language is Spanish. I want to use my ability to speak Spanish to learn more about the people of these nations, both on a professional and personal level. no matter where the path of life takes me, I wish for Spanish to always be a part of me. Through the years, Spanish has evolved into one of my most remarkable accomplishments. Today , I am prouder than ever of loving Spanish-of having something that distinguishes me from the rest, some - thing that makes me unique. It is not often the case for a romanianAmerican girl living in Los Angeles to exhibit such passion and devo - tion towards a language that is foreign to both her native and adoptive countries. nevertheless, Spanish is a big part of whom I am today , and an even bigger part of who I will be in the future.
| Oanas essay opens with a fresh perspective on a theme that is of - ten overused and can easily become hackneyedlove. The first sen - tence surprises us: When I was four years old, I fell in love. Her young age piques our curiosity, and she holds our suspense until the last sentence. Like many of the excellent essays in this book, the strength of this essay lies in its originality. Oana describes a love for the lan - guage of Spanish. Learning Spanish in itself may not seem particularly exceptional, but Oanas background as a Romanian provides an un - usual and memorable juxtaposition to her Spanish-speaking abilities. In her descriptions, Oana playfully and effectively uses terms relating to love. For example, she notes that love is blind and personifies Spanish as it entered through [her] door on June 16th, 1994. The sentence, for six years, destiny kept us apart continues to perpetuate a personified sense of Spanish, the language, being a lover to Oana. These examples show the power of artfully expanding on a metaphor to provide richness and coherence to ones essays. Oanas love for Spanishs sweet serenades contrasts with her familys feelings towards this foreign and unattractive language. She uses her fathers comment to capture these negative sentiments with powerful dramatic effect: We are immigrating to the United States, not to Mexico! Y ou should spend your time learning English instead of watching that nonsense! His criticisms only make Oanas accom - plishments all the more admirable and memorablehow many other Romanian girls teach themselves Spanish through watching telenovelas while their family looks on disapprovingly? Oana writes frankly of the hardships she encountered, first in the form of family resistance to learning Spanish and later in the form of lacking an environment for communicating in Spanish in her predomi - nantly Romanian Los Angeles neighborhood. However, she demon - strates her dedication to Spanish during the new era of high school, when she studied actively for two years and astonishingly became flu-ent in the language. Oana relates several amusing anecdotes from her trip to Mexico to corroborate her fluency in Spanish. We learn that she was mistaken more than once for one of the natives. She might have chosen to tell us more from this trip in order to show ways in which she was able to prove to her father that Spanish was not nonsense. In her penultimate paragraph, Oana relates her long process of learning Spanish to her ambitious and aggressive spirit in the face of adversity as well as to her further plans to use [her] love and pas-sion for Spanish to make an impact on the world. Oana could have ended her essay with this paragraph, since her final paragraph mostly reiterates what she has already said. While it can be tempting to use concluding paragraphs to recap what you have already written, it is best to end in a way that seems fresh, rather than regurgitating what has already been said. |
From Flaubert to Frisbee Brown University ThIS SUmmEr, I wENT To ThE governors Honors Program, also known as gHP , a six-week intensive college-like experience where the best and brightest students in georgia gather to learn and grow as in - dividuals. It was the best thing that has ever happened to me. That is something of a hackneyed phrase; people cheapen the extremes of language by constantly using superlatives for everyday occurrences, making it harder and harder to actually describe the few subtle and transcendent moments of life. In Madame Bovary, Flaubert claims that language is but a cracked kettle on which we play music for the bears to dance, while we dream of making the stars weep. The experiences we have never fit within the too-close confines of language; but I will try anyway . The classes that I attended were nothing like the classes that I would take normally . nowhere else would the teachers encourage six - teen and seventeen year-olds to look for sexual imagery in Shakespeare, and then find even more than they did, without the exercise being sordid instead of literary . I attended classes named anything from Dirty Words: Clean Thoughts (a class on Profanity; the only course in which the use of profane or vulgar language was prohibited) to Teenage Female Angst: Beyond Holden Caulfield to Buffy the Vampire Slayer . All of them opened my mind to a brand-new way of looking at the world, and pro - cessing information. Thanks to the varying education that I received, I know that valuable information about life is not only in the classics, but even appears in seemingly mindless and trashy zombie films. While I learned a lot in the classrooms of gHP, I feel that most of my growth occurred outside of the classroom. I met the sort of people who will change the world, who will go forth into the world and, with - out making a big name, will do the things that make the world a better place. My best friends there were people that I would never have met; people I would never have known existed; people that I can now not imagine life without. One was a math major, an excellent athlete in every sport, and an accomplished singer; the running joke was that the only thing that he was bad at was failing. The other was a phenomenal writer, always ready to play an endearing trick on somebody, and the formers girl-friend. Both of them were fairly conservative Christians, and yet totally accepting of me for whom I was, despite any of my clashes with their beliefs. I did not limit myself though, and made it al - most a mission to find and talk to as many of the people there, because I was sure that each and every one of them would have an interesting perspective on things. Once I was walking back from playing Frisbee, and was stopped to discuss what the ethical framework for life ought to be; just for fun. The experience that I had there has undeniably changed me forever.
| Adityas description of his six weeks at GHP make use of plenty of diverse and lively examples to demonstrate how this was the best thing that ever happened to him. The one-paragraph format that Aditya chooses can be difficult on the readers, since long paragraphs can be quite daunting. Aditya might have chosen to create a new para-graph with the sentence, The experiences we have never fit within the too-close confines of language; but I will try anyway. Another logical place to begin a new paragraph would be with the sentence, While I learned a lot in the classrooms of GHP , I feel that most of my growth occurred outside of the classroom. In general, multiple paragraphs help organize an essay to focus the content and provide flow to overall paper structure. While the sentence, It was the best thing that has ever happened to me, seems simplistic, Aditya quickly redeems himself from the cli - ch with a sentence that shows his mastery of the English language. He writes, That is something of a hackneyed phrase; people cheapen the extremes of language by constantly using superlatives for every - day occurrences, making it harder and harder to actually describe the few subtle and transcendent moments of life. His reference to Madame Bovary demonstrates Adityas ability to draw connections between ideas and thereby support his own assertions. The examples Aditya references are particularly strong because he relates them to one another, instead of simply rattling off a long list. It can be challeng - ing to present a diversity of interests while also holding a core focus. Adityas center appears in the form of literary and cultural analysis of many sources, from classics to trashy zombie films. The reference to Madame Bovary also shows us that Aditya truly learned to open his mind to a brand-new way of looking at the world, and processing information. Had Aditya ended his essay here, we would have learned about his cognitive development but missed out on the social and emotional aspects of his GHP experience. The descriptions of the close friend - ships Aditya formed with a diverse group of people further strengthen our understanding of how Aditya grew to be an open-minded person. Aditya devotes quite a large amount of space to talking about the math major who couldnt fail and his writer girlfriend; he might have sum - marized this information more concisely in order to explain his own relationships to them. By writing that they totally accepted him, Aditya removes his personal agency; he could have reworded the essay to explain how he became more accepting of them. The last sentence of the essay, The experience that I had there has undeniably changed me forever, is somewhat abrupt. With limited space, it is important to have both a strong introduction and a strong conclusion that are not so open-ended that they could be generalized to everyone. The most compelling part of Adityas essay is not that The experience that I had there has undeniably changed me forever but rather in the sophisticated literary analyses he made, the friend-ships he formed, and the Frisbee he played. When space is limited, err on the side of more detailed descriptions and fewer generalizations. |
Raising the Bar MIT ThIS pAST SUmmEr I hAd ThE opportunity to participate in a highly rigorous academic program at MIT called MITES, Minority Introduction to Engineering and Science. For six and a half weeks I lived with 68 other rising seniors and college undergrads. Though we were all warned about how hard the program would be, we were all at the top of our classes and refused to believe it- after all, who did they think we were? The first day we sat together in a small auditorium, unaware of each other and of what lay ahead. We were told that our confidence would be shattered, our minds blown away , and our lives changed forever. Still somewhat unmoved, we were not afraid. By the second week of MITES valedictorians, nerds, bookworms, and techies alike were leaning on each others shoulders at two in the morning crying over problem sets they had imagined only in night - mares. It is a well known fact that hard times bring friends closer to - gether, but I would have never expected for these strangers to become my best friends, my support system, or even my family . The 16 hours days I was accustomed to at home did not last long. I was getting an average of four hours of sleep per night, finishing a book per week, zooming through subjects once foreign to me, and constructing a semi-autonomous robot from drill motors all at the same time. We were each enrolled in 5 classes, my schedule consisted of Introductory Physics, Engineering Design, Chemistry , first year Calculus, and Humanities. In the month and a half we completed a semester of Physics and Chemistry each, a full year of Calculus, the ma-terial equivalent to a semester in AP literature, and introductory level engineering. The work was so intense that when I entered school in the fall I enrolled in second year Calculus, and maintained the only A in AP Physics, having no physics experience prior to MITES. Since this program I have not been satisfied with the regular course - work given at my school. I am constantly on the lookout for new pro - grams to enroll in and other teams, clubs, and groups to join. This academic school year marks the peak of my involvement in educa - tional opportunities. I have somehow managed to find time for the Speech and Debate team, ACE mentoring team, swim team, Science Bowl team, California Honors Society and Scholarship Federation, Play Production, Jewish Student Union, gEAr-UP Mentoring Program, and folklorico dancing. MITES was the most challenging experience of my life. The pro - gram is the single most pivotal point in my academic endeavors to date. The assistants we had had all gone through the program and agreed that even in college at Harvard, MIT, Caltech, and Princeton, nothing came close. The motivation and encouragement I gained from MITES has fueled my academic pursuits and pushed me to raise the bar.
| Many students choose to write about a transforming summer education experience. In Raising the Bar, the author describes the grueling, rigorous academic program at MIT in which she participated. Foreshadowing the difficulties that lay ahead, the author writes, We were told that our confidence would be shattered, our minds blown away, and our lives changed forever. Still somewhat unmoved, we were not afraid. This fearless attitude gives way to crying over prob - lem sets. The essay aptly describes the intensity of the program by explaining how busy the days were. She found herself finishing a book per week, zooming through subjects once foreign to [her], and con - structing a semi-autonomous robot from drill motors all at the same time. While these tasks might seem like a list, they are necessary to account for the author sleeping only four hours a night. When describ - ing an event with a scope that is quite broadin this case, six weeks longit is always helpful to hone in on a few highlights. Three is typi - cally a good number of examples. This essay might be stronger had the author explained more about the robot construction, since this is an unusual activity that piques the readers curiosity. As a major project, the robot may have merited more space in the essay. The author could have spent less time listing the classes she took, especially if she could list this elsewhere in the application. What is more compelling than any course title is her observation that the work was so intense that when [she] entered school in the fall [she] enrolled in second year Calculus, and maintained the only A in AP Physics, having no physics experience prior to MITES. This demonstrates the extent to which her learning was accelerated because of the MITES experience. At the end of the third paragraph, the author gives a long list of activities in which she is involved. It is unclear what some of the activi - ties entailfor instance, the ACE mentoring team, or the GEAR-UP Mentoring program. These examples might be more appropriate in a resume or another section of the admissions essay. Choosing one main activity or event and elaborating on it is a strategy to help keep an essay focused. While it is tempting to list all of our accomplishments, it is more memorable to focus on just one, or a few. Ultimately, the author brings us back to her main point, that MITES was a pivotal point in her academic career. Having a main thesis helps tie together an essay. In this paper, the author summarizes by saying, The motivation and en - couragement I gained from MITES has fueled my academic pursuits and pushed me to raise the bar. When editing your own writing, ask yourself if your various examples, sentences, and paragraphs serve the main point. This helps create a coherent, tightly-woven essay. 354 |
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Stanford University roSENcrANTz ANd GUILdENSTErN ArE dEAd IS an astounding, intellectually challenging, and humorous concoction. Stoppard cleverly captures the characters of Hamlet, written by Shakespeare, but creates somewhat of a comic tragedy . Clearly an oxymoron, but pro - foundly effective. The play focuses on the story of Hamlet, but from the viewpoint of rosencrantz and guildenstern, and it also takes the theories proposed in Hamlet and presents them in a comic, rather than sul - len, manner. One of the most humorous scenes is when rosencrantz, or guildenstern, since the distinction is never truly made between the two, is laying on a table and thinking to himself what it is like to be dead in a box. This scene proves to be hilarious, despite its deep meaning, and parallels the infamous To be, or not to be speech in Hamlet. Lifes unanswerable questions are constantly being asked throughout the play , but by inserting these dubious inquiries within a comedy , Stoppard is able to captivate and preserve his audiences at - tention. In fact, the humor provides the wiring, which connects the messages of the play to our own chaotic existences. This brilliant liter - ary work captures the essence of a tragedy within a comedy , something only few authors can accomplish. It is able to provide profound, theo - retical ideas that have long been questioned into a comic perspective, and yet keep its integrity .
| In just one short paragraph, Fareez engages with the literary work Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead in a lively and creative man - ner. Early on, the essay pinpoints the oxymoron of the tragicomedy form, giving us a theme of contrasts that runs throughout the short essay response. Fareez demonstrates his familiarity with the work by highlighting a specific scene from the play. This is more effective than a summary; considering the limited space provided, a summary would take up too much space and could also seem too general. The subse - quent analysis of this scene shows that Fareez is an active interpreter of the literary work, as well as an avid reader of other plays, as shown by the analogy he draws to Hamlet. Through the description and analy - sis of one specific scene, Fareez addresses a broader issue: the intel - lectually exciting aspects of literary work that the essay prompt asks him to explain. The reference to lifes unanswerable questions implies that these are the types of deep philosophical inquiries that Fareez himself par - ticipates in. He might have chosen to be more explicit about this, there - by linking his analysis of the play more directly to his own life. This would help address the explain why aspect of the essay question in greater detail. It is always important to address all parts of an essay question to show that you have read the prompt mindfully and given it careful consideration. This essay relates to Fareezs other essay, A Dramatic Coup (Chapter 16), in that it describes his passion for drama and theater. Some students choose to write on completely different topics for their various essays, especially if they have a diversity of interests. However, it is also appropriate to focus on a particular passion or inter - est, especially if you plan on pursuing this in college or are applying to a special program in a school and wish to demonstrate your dedica - tion to a specific field such as science, music, or service. Writing more than one essay on a specific passion/interest runs the risk of sounding redundant, so this approach may be more useful for shorter essays. In Fareezs case, he was able to demonstrate in A Dramatic Coup that he is a dedicated actor, and also show that he is able to approach the - ater from a more intellectual and philosophical angle in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Read together, these two essays give us the sense that Fareez is a creative individual who is willing to tackle an interest from many different perspectives. Furthermore, one can predict that Fareez will be a valuable asset to Stanfords drama department, what - ever area of study he ultimately chooses. |
Puzzles Harvard University whEN mY GrANdmoThEr cAmE To VISIT five years ago, she brought me a 3,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. To most, this would not sound very excitingit would be almost as bad as a shirt saying My grand - parents went to India, and all they bought me was this stupid shirt. My reaction to the puzzle was different. I cut open the cardboard box as soon as I could, and poured the pieces out onto my puzzleboard. I worked patiently on the puzzle for hours at a time, my excitement building as more and more of the picture was revealed. I cut down my sleep time until the image of a picturesque forest was complete. The puzzle overshadowed all else in my life, if only for that short period of time. Working on puzzles has helped me gain focus, determination, and patience. I have learned to apply these qualities to every task I face, dealing with the outside world in the same fashion as I would a puzzle. My love for science stems largely from this; science requires the same logical and levelheaded approach that a puzzle does, and as evidenced by the many puzzles decorating my house, this is an approach which suits my skills and temperament. This intellectual stimulation, coupled with a desire to discover more about lifes mysteries, compels me to pursue a career in scientific research. This summer, I worked in a cardiology laboratory at UCLA, looking at proteins associated with HDL to understand how atherosclerosis can be averted. After some experiments provided questionable results, I was given the task of confirming that the viruses we were working with had been packaged and identified correctly . I spent weeks running DnA gels, looking for specific genes in each virus, but my results were inconsistent. I was frustrated, but instead of giving up on my assign - ment, I was even more determined to find an explanation. I considered every aspect of the experiment, working backwards until I reached the sourcethe primers I had used to amplify the DnA were nonspecific and ineffective, and thus useless in distinguishing the three genes of interest to us. Knowing this, I was able to alter my experiment accord - ingly , looking at protein content instead of DnA sequences. I finally showed that two of the three viruses were correct; the third, however, needed to be repackaged. My work was crucial to the undergraduate student I was working with, because he was able to redesign his experi - ment to account for this third virus. Working in a lab was an exhilarating experience for me. Even though I gave up lying on the beach to instead play with viruses and chemicals, the compulsion to understand these proteins inspired and motivated me. I am tremendously proud of the piece I contributed to the athero - sclerosis puzzle: a small piece, but integral nonetheless. The sense of accomplishment I felt because of my work in the UCLA lab was much the same as that which I felt upon completing the 3,000 piece puzzle my grandmother gave me. This feeling is one I hope to experience throughout my life, because the atherosclerosis puzzle is most assur - edly not the last such puzzle I will work on.
| The writers essay takes a tangible themepuzzlesand uses it in a variety of ways to demonstrate her interests, passions, and values. Her writing is engaging because it plays with many different senses of the word puzzles, so the theme doesnt feel tired or redundant. She begins her essay with a reference to a 3,000-piece jigsaw puzzle that her grandmother gave her. Her subsequent use of humor (To most, this would not sound very excitingit would be almost as bad as a shirt saying My grandparents went to India, and all they bought me was this stupid shirt) effectively draws readers in. This statement also sets up an expectation that most people would not be thrilled by this gift but that the writer is not most people. We can see that she is de-voted to completing the impressively large puzzle by her mention that she even sacrificed sleep in pursuit of her goal. In her second paragraph, the writer links this pastime to her in - tellectual interests. She makes a clear and compelling comparison between puzzles and scientific research, noting that both require a logical and levelheaded approach. She demonstrates self-knowledge when she notes that this suits [her] skills and temperament. This analysis is very explicit and may seem to violate the show, dont tell rule; but in her case, it helps us make the connection between puzzles and sciencea connection that might not be immediately clearand does so with precisely the logical and levelheaded approach that she describes. It is important to remember that rules like show, dont tell are meant as guidelines but can be flexibly interpreted. It is best not to sacrifice ones personal voice for writing rules, which are best thought of as recommendations. The beginning of the third paragraph takes us away from puzzles but aptly illustrates her dedication to a career in scientific research. Using an appropriate level of vocabulary, she describes her research at a UCLA cardiology lab. This demonstrates that she can explain complex ideas in clear and concise terms, a great strength for any re - searcher. The laboratory provides a different context for us to see the writers response to challenging problems as well as a tireless resolve to solving any mystery. The final paragraph nicely wraps up the essay by referencing the 3,000-piece jigsaw and her lab work to illustrate the broader theme of solving puzzles. We can see that the writer is both proud of her work (it is integral) and humble (it is a small piece of the atherosclerosis puzzle), and she is eager to apply her spirit of curiosity and enthusi - asm to her future college endeavors. |
Addressing injustices Brown University mY rEASoNS For w ANTING To BE a doctor are very similar to why most people choose their career path: I want to make things fairer. People such as social workers are out to help make the world a little less unjust. Its not necessarily injustice from other people that I want to fight as these people do, but injustice from other factors. Many people who are close to me have been struck down from their future in ways that its impossible for them to recover. My aunt was a great artist and loving mother before she developed severe schizophrenia. She now locks herself in her house for weeks at a time and remains isolated from her family . My friend Eric, who was once in his schools varsity basketball league, cannot play his senior season because a car acci - dent left him nearly paralyzed. Finally , my friend v inces depression has stripped him of his will to live, and despite attempts of over a dozen psychiatrists and medications he still spends most of his days aimlessly lying in bed. While I try very hard to cheer him up by talking to and entertaining him I am deeply concerned about his future. This trend is something that Im seeing almost everywhere. More and more people are becoming depressed and hopeless, and I want to be able to put life and happiness back into them. not only do I see these injustices in my life, when Im volunteer - ing at my local hospital my desire to help become even more embold - ened by the people I meet. A new grandmother I met recently had her spine shattered when she fell from a ladder back onto a table. As I talked to her, I remembered how many times Ive seen pictures of my grandmother lifting me and my cousins and caring for us, and became overcome with emotion. While I dont believe her ability to care for her grandchildren will be destroyed, I know that she wont have the same opportunities as other grandparents and the inequality of the situation makes me extremely upset. I want nothing more than to give back her ability to walk and lift her grandkids. I believe being a doctor can allow me to bring this closer.
| This essay demonstrates Mathews commitment to social justice. Rather than making justice an abstract or philosophical issue, the es - say shows us how it is directly relevant to Mathews life by giving this injustice many faces: those of his aunt, his friends Eric and Vince, as well as the people he has met through volunteerism. While a long list of these people probably would not be interesting to read, Mathew has fit them into his essay as characters in stories. He does this by keeping the personal profiles distinct (his aunt has schizophrenia, Eric was paralyzed in a car accident, Vince is depressed). Furthermore, the organization of this short essay helps separate the people about whom he writes into two categories: 1) those who are close to him and 2) those who are in the wider community. In this way, Mathew shows the influences that are closest to home before branching out to the bigger community. As Mathews essay demonstrates, writing about ones personal experiences is an effective way to rein in a topic as all-encompassing as justice. The beginning of Mathews essay makes a generalization. He states, My reasons for wanting to be a doctor are very similar to why most people choose their career path: I want to make things fairer. Mathew might have started with simply: I want to make things fairer. Since the essay questions specifically ask why he is interested in med - icine, referencing all professions and careers beyond medicine broad-ens the scope of the answer rather than narrowing it. Furthermore, it is best to avoid sweeping generalizations in order to respect the plurality of beliefs in the world. For instance, many people may not choose their career paths to make things fairer; some may be motivated by money or fame. Things is also a bit vague, as is the phrase other factorsMathews might have clarified these terms so we can have a stronger sense of what sources of injustice he is hoping to fight. Mathew takes advantage of the essay prompt to write about his volunteer work at a recent hospital. His story about the grandmother he met is heart-touching because Mathew is willing to share his per - sonal reaction: As I talked to her, I remembered how many times Ive seen pictures of my grandmother lifting me and my cousins and caring for us, and I became overcome with emotion. This gives us a sense of Mathews deep sense of caring for others. |
My Unpopular Decision Harvard University SINcE I hAVE ALw AYS BEEN INTErESTEd in science and technology , I subscribed to many research magazines, including Popular Science and Scientific American. However, until 10th grade, I never had the opportunity to contribute to medical researchsomething that I had al - ways wanted to do. Then, one day I read an article titled Print Me a Pancreas, Please in Popular Science, which described novel tissue engi - neering research involving modification of off-the-shelf inkjet printers to print out living cells in a bioink solution. Having read much about tissue engineering, I realized this organ printing approach could po - tentially address problems of traditional tissue engineering methods, such as the need to precisely place specific cell types in 3D scaffolds. I was so excited that I came up with a few ideas of my own about ad - vancing the printer capabilities. I was impelled to contact the research-ers at the Medical University of South Carolina (MUSC) and Clemson University (CU). I corresponded with the professor at MUSC and visited his lab multiple times, but realized that the actual printers were kept at CU. Therefore, I contacted the researchers at CU, who did not reply to about 50 of my e-mails. not the one to give up easily , I called the Principal Investigator (PI) and expressed my eagerness to contribute to the research. After seeing my resum and computer-aided designs (roadmap to Organ Printing), he invited me to meet him at his lab on October 18th, which conflicted with my schools Homecoming dance. To my friends bewilderment I made the unpopular decision to miss the dance. They could not understand why I preferred driving 26 hours to meet a researcher and miss all the fun at the once-a-year dance. To me, this was clearly the right choice. I was trading a great school expe - rience to literally get my hands into cutting-edge medical research. The PI was so impressed with my original CAD designs (roadmap to Organ Printing) and my resume that he invited me to research at his lab. Over Christmas and other school breaks, I learned many laboratory techniques, conducted novel research, and independently succeeded in printing the first functional 3D branching tube of smooth muscle cells (a rudimentary blood vessel). This research helped me win many science competitions and honors, including 2nd Place in Medicine and Health at the Intel International Science and Engineering Fair and become the Top Florida Presenter at the national Junior Science and Humanities Symposium. My computer-aided designs were published in Biomaterials Forum and the Journal of Thoracic and Cardiovascular Surgery. This remarkable experience inspired me to perform many addition - al research projects and I consider it a turning point in my life. It has increased my passion for research and my determination to be a phy - sician and work on devices or pharmaceuticals that improve peoples quality of life. I have also become more confident in my research ef-forts and am able to contact any researcher to pursue a position in their laboratory . I have realized that there are many opportunities for students like myself to contribute to labs and brainstorm solutions for current problems.
| Shiv demonstrates motivation and drive in this essay about his passion for research in science and technology. Many essays about academic interests focus on schoolwork or extra-curricular activities such as Science Clubs or math competitions. Shivs story deviates from the norm by showing how academic interest is also a passion in his free timethe references to Popular Science and Scientific American illustrate this hobby. The most unique element of Shivs story is his bold initiative in contacting the researchers at MUSC and CU after reading the Print Me a Pancreas, Please article. Shiv writes about his response to this article in concise, clear terms. Having read much about tissue engineering, I realized this organ printing approach could potentially address problems of traditional tissue en - gineering methods, such as the need to precisely place specific cell types in 3D scaffolds. While somewhat complex, the ease with which he uses terminology demonstrates Shivs familiarity with the topic. The second paragraph of the essay presents many small but delightfully informative details that show Shivs determination in pursu - ing research. We learn that he sent 50 emails to researchers, then, undaunted by the lack of a response, called the PI and arranged a personal meeting. He drives an astonishing 26 hours to meet the re - searcher, and made the unpopular decision to miss the dance. Shivs resolve is clear: To me, this was clearly the right choice. I was trading a great school experience to literally get my hands into cutting-edge medical research. These details distinguish Shiv from his peers. The third paragraph also provides details that show Shivs distinc - tive accomplishments, including his original computer-aided designs and science competition awards. However, these details read like a list and could easily be included in a resume. It might be more compel-ling to write about the meaning of an award rather than simply listing its name, as Jasons essay Birthing a Business (Chapter 14) shows. Shiv briefly mentions the laboratory techniques he learned on his way to achieving his award. Strong essays not only summarize the end product (an award) but also describe the process, the means to achieving the end. Shivs essay does a nice job of combining specific references to his research and larger, overarching goals. By presenting the story of the turning point of the university research experiment, Shiv compellingly illustrates his entrepreneurial instinct and passion for applied research that is directed toward finding solutions to real-world problems. |
Healing Beyond Borders Brown University whILE hEALING pEopLE wILL BE mY main priority as a doctor, I dont want to only help individuals overcome disease after disease. For true change I must work on a much larger scale. I plan on be - ing involved in research, and drawing ideas and information from my patients and sharing it with researchers to find answers about the ail - ments that plague the human mind. By being a voice from the front lines I hope that I can catalyze the development of treatments and cures. Additionally , I want to become an advocate for public health. If a government is doing something that is detrimental to the health of its citizens, someone needs to point it out, and fight for a better alterna - tive. Unless I do this then the people I help will continue to get sick regardless of how much I help. Still, my main task as a doctor is to help patients, and I want to help as many of them as I can. Seeing the reality of the health of the world is very important to me if I am going to properly improve it. I have been so fortunate to live in a place where medicine is so refined, and I am even more blessed to know that I have the chance to help spread this refinement. While issues such as world hunger are constantly being improved, doctors in other countries are scarce and locals are still being trained in ancient ways and often hurting their patents more than helping. I want to give back my blessings a hundred-fold and spread better medicine. First, I want to see the health of our world as I help it by joining Medecins Sans Frontieres as soon as I can. Only after I help things first hand can I make a mature decision on how I should try to help the world as a whole. I feel the experiences that I get from my education and the experiences helping people across the world will give me a very strong ability to know how to help to the best of my abilities. Today I am already planning for this journey by teaching myself foreign languages. I hope that by the time I am ready to help people, knowing many languages will help me bond with my patients and truly make me a doctor without borders. I plan on fighting for health for as long as I can, and I want to help every person I can regardless of background, money or stigma.
| In Healing Beyond Borders, Mathew makes good use of a small amount of space to answer the two questions in the essay (What is your vision of a physician? and How do you view your role as a future physician?). When there is more than one specific question in an essay, it can be tempting to answer them separately as in a sur - vey/questionnaire; but for college essays, it is best to take advantage of the format allotted to write a coherent piece. Mathews essay does an excellent job of providing a strong thesis sentence to address both questions in a single argument: he places healing people as his main priority, but he also wants to work on a much larger scale. Mathew goes on to explain what this larger scale work would look like, giving us a vision of his role as a future physician. He writes about his desire to research mental health issues and to become an advocate for public health. He then extends the larger scale beyond the U.S. to global proportions. However, rather than writing abstractly about the world, which can sound idealistic but lacking in substance, Mathew pinpoints a specific way in which he can engage in global healthcare: Medicins Sans Frontieres. This reference demonstrates Mathews research of healthcare on a worldwide scale, and the sen - tence Today I am already planning for this journey by teaching my - self foreign languages demonstrates his commitment to this goal. Aspirations in college essays are strengthened by concrete evidence that you are already making progress toward these goals. Mathew could have mentioned the specific foreign languages he is studying to further define those places to which he is most drawn. Overall, this essay gives us a strong sense of Mathews commit - ment to global medicine. The essay could be strengthened by using more specific examples rather than generalized statements, such as the statement that doctors in other countries are scarce and locals are still being trained in ancient ways and often hurting their patients more than helping. When writing about other cultures, it is important to be sensitive and avoid passing negative value judgments. Universities tend to be diverse places with people from many different backgrounds, making culturally sensitivity important for communicating with peers. |
scientific sparks MIT GrowING Up wITh SEpArATE d pArENTS hAS not been the easiest life, but it has been my life. When I was younger, Id hate going out to eat with my dad and seeing a family of four happily enjoying a meal. If my mother and father ever went out together to a restaurant, it was with me, once a year for my birthday , and was usually interspersed with various disagreements. It was when I was in first grade that I began to realize that, although my parents had their differences and no longer loved each other, I was the one thing that united them. I had no basis to be envious of what I thought of as complete families. Both my mother and father, wanting the best for me, recognized early on my love and fascination with all things scientific. They worked to create opportunities for me to pursue my interest. My mother would read at bedtime, at my request, nature field guides instead of nursery rhymes. The two of us often made long journeys at 3:00 A.M. to witness meteor showers in the clear skies of the mountains. She encouraged me to set up experiments around the house, which I happily didmea - suring the growth of palm tree saplings and dissecting owl pellets to extract the mouse bones inside. An environmental scientist, my father could not wait to transfer all of his scientific knowledge into my young head. needless to say , many of his spontaneous lectures were far above my graspI still vaguely remember a quantum physics talk he gave me when I was eightbut they inspired me to learn more on my own. My thirst for scientific knowledge grew over the years, without limits in any one specific area. Then, in January four years ago, my Aunt Diane died after a five-year battle with breast cancer. It was during my aunts illness that I realized I could use my natural love of science to benefit others facing similar challenges. I have continually pushed myself closer to this goal by excelling in my AP science classes, studying biotechnology at UC Davis through the COSMOS program, and competing as a member of my schools Science Bowl Team. This past summer, I had the opportunity to intern at the reijo Pera Lab at Stanford University through the Stanford Institutes of Medicine Summer research Program. During this two-month intern - ship, I worked with human embryonic stem cells to explore the func - tion of PrDM1, a potentially-useful gene in the creation of regenerative medicines. The scientific spark my parents recognized years ago has shaped my life, and with it, I wish to shape the lives of others. I aspire to become a biomedical researcher, a career that harnesses my long-time fascination of science and my commitment to improve the quality of life for those facing medical challenges. It would be a privilege to work alongside scientists, exploring new treatments and technologies to create exciting new options for patients and their families.
| Ariela fits a great deal of information about herself and her family into her response to the essay prompt, which asks for a description of the world you come from and an explanation of how that world shaped your dreams and aspirations. These challenging questions re - quire writing about outside influences as well as ones personal goals. Ariela does a wonderful job of focusing the essay by presenting us her family lifemostly in the first three paragraphsand explaining how this nurtured a thirst for scientific knowledgedescribed in the last three paragraphs. While she also mentions her school (AP science classes), clubs (Science Bowl Team), and summer opportunities (an internship at Stanford), these all fit within the context of Arielas fam - ily life, particularly her parents who encouraged the scientific spark they saw in their daughter. This central thesis holds the short essay together. The introduction to Scientific Sparks presents an intimate view of Arielas life growing up with separated parents. Her realization that I was the one thing that united her parents provides a nice segue into the third paragraph, in which she describes her parents many efforts to support her scientific interests. The specific details Ariela provides are fun and memorable: bedtime nature field guides instead of nursery rhymes, 3 a.m. meteor showers, owl pellet and palm tree experiments, a lecture on quantum physics at the age of 8. Each of the paragraphs provides a glimpse of Arielas life grow - ing up. This chronological ordering is clear and effective, helping to move the essay from past experiences to future aspirations. Arielas use of turning points helps drive the narrative along. For example, she describes the realization in first grade that her parents no longer love each other; then she tells about her Aunt Dianes death, which helped her see that she could use [her] natural love of science to benefit oth - ers. The subsequent examples, which are somewhat list-like, none - theless show us ways in which Ariela has applied science to health issues. Her experience at the Riejo Pera Lab best supports this point. Ariela might have chosen to write more about her summer internship at Stanford as an iconic project rather than listing so many others. For instance, it is unclear what the COSMOS program is, though she may have written about this elsewhere in her essay. The end of Arielas essay provides an excellent, succinct summary that directly addresses the essay questions. Through mentioning her parents, she describes her world, and through stating her intention of becoming a biomedical researcher, she shows how the two major themes in her essaya love for science and desire to help peopleare related. |
Researching Cancer Harvard University I Trod ThE mUd IN ThE misty spring rain. It was Qing Ming, the holiday in China when we honored our deceased ancestors. On the ground of the cemetery , drenched flowers lay in my grandfathers re-membrance. That morninga month before my sixth birthdayI clung tightly to my mothers sleeves and finally learned why he passed away . My grandfather had been a victim of cancer. Because the diagnosis came too late, all treatment was futile. As my mother whispered this to me with grief in her eyes, I stomped angrily in the mud. I blamed the doctors who couldnt find the tumor in time to save him. That rainy morning launched my dream to help cure cancera common wish, but one that fueled a life-changing pursuit. Knowing that the best pro - Chapter 5: Career 51 tection against cancer was to detect it as early as possible, I examined the widely used methods of detection. I read about mammography and was astounded to learn that it failed to detect a large percentage of cases. As I wondered how to make detection more accurate, I heard about a research internship program at ____ Cancer Center. I jumped at the opportunity . There, my mentors encouraged me to investigate cancers genetic causes. I became intrigued by a gene suspected to play a role in the onset of breast cancer. We examined a process of gene-silencingknown as methylationthat changed DnA structure while keeping the sequence itself intact. Through a series of assays, we pinpointed the methylated sites in the gene sequence that distinguished cancerous breast cells from healthy cells. These were markers of disease! The thrill came from knowing the vast clinical applications of the discovery . Finding such markers is a step toward the individualization of cancer treatment. genomics-based diagnostics would detect cancer earlier than traditional procedures. Also, since methylation does not change the DnA sequence, it is reversible. Therapeutics could target these sites and minimize harm to healthy tissue. Personalized cancer diagnostics promise a new dawn, but they are not yet reality . Many more genes need to be studied before we can fully comprehend the roots of the disease. Awed by the complexity of can - cer, I realized that my dream was much more intricate than I imagined. However, my youthful passion in medicine did not dwindle. Instead, it strengthened and matured into a strategy . As my vague goals shaped into specific inquiries, my curiosity became insatiable. The joy of un - covering the unknown affirmed my love for science. My generation will keep pushing the boundaries of knowledge, and nothing would give me more fulfillment than continuing to fight in the war on cancer. I recall that rainy Qing Ming morning when I gazed at my grandfa - thers gravesite. I wish I could tell him about the adventure he inspired. This war will be arduous, but every little eureka! along the way is a portent of victory .
| The author of this essay might have taken the boring approach of just describing where she worked and what she did while researching, but she found a way to tie her research to a personal experience. By explaining in detail why the research was intellectually challenging to her, the author gave readers clues to her character. From her child - hood experience, we understand her motivation for wanting to help find a cure for cancer. Learning about her grandfathers death sheds light on why she sought out an internship at the cancer center and why she now has an interest in pursuing a career in the field. It always adds meaning to a students career goals when we understand the roots of his or her interest. Many students make the mistake of sharing lofty dreams such as finding the cure to cancer but dont back them up with actual actions that show that they are working toward making a differ-ence. This student not only presents the global problem but demon - strates how she has and will continue to play a role in addressing it. As the author describes her internship, she clearly explains what she did to research cancer. Most importantly, she outlines it in a way that is understandable to a layperson. As readers, we can easily con - ceive the subjects intellectual hold on her. This students writing pro - vides enough detail that we understand the complexity of her research but not so much that we are bogged down with too much information. Its not enough to just state what you did; its more compelling to ex - plain why. In the fifth paragraph, the student ties her past experiences to her future plans. She explains that she intends to pursue a career in the sciences and to continue cancer research. Admissions officers like to understand the direction that students are taking so that they can visu - alize how they will contribute to society while undergraduates and after graduation as well. They want to know why you are pursuing a career field and what you hope to achieve as a part of it. In the last paragraph, the student refers back to her personal ex - perience. She wraps up the essay in a highly relatable way by con - necting her grandfathers death to the intellectual excitement of cancer research as it applies to her career plans. She packs a lot into a short amount of space but does so in a way that flows smoothly and keeps our interest. 536 |
The Computer Doctor Brown University EVErY TImE I drIVE INTo A clients driveway , theres always that mo - ment. That moment where I must shed any doubt I have and become adamant. That moment where I realize that, people are depending on me, and I must do my best to help them. And that moment where, with tool bag to my side, I must prepare to face whatever problem is waiting for me in their house. This time is no different. As with the hundreds of other problems Ive faced, I must remember that every problem has a solution, and I can find it. When I am greeted by a middle-aged woman as I approach the house, my remaining doubts evaporate. Once I see the individual I am about to help I become saturated with resolve. However, all she will see from me is a smile as I ask her how she is. I then ask her what the prob - lem is, and she leads me to her computer. She tells me that her com - puter is shutting down randomly , and then leaves as I begin to work. With a simple push of the power button, the process begins. Unfortunately , for this case, just as quickly as it startsthe computer shuts off. never discouraged, I dismantle it to look for obvious signs of damage. However, everything here appears normal: wires secure, circuits shining. But theres another test that may work. Eyes focused on the inside of the computer, I turn it on again. I have only a moment before it suc - cumbs to its ailment again. Additionally , each time it starts could be damaging, so I have to make this count. When the sound of electricity surging through the computer begins, I immediately notice a vital fan failing to twirl: the computer is simply overheating. With a quick pull of the power I anesthetize the computer and operate. Using a replace - ment and screwdriver from my bag, I give the computer a new fan. Then, I start the computer nervously , but it starts perfectly . My confidence and determination sweat off as accomplishment. I quickly look for the woman. She can tell I solved her problem as I walk towards her with a grin, and she smiles too. This case is one of the hundreds Ive solved over the past few years, all without a single failure to find a practical solution. I started my business because after seeing how grossly overcharged the community was by corporate technicians, I believed it would be a practical and great way for me to help the community and have a job. After fixing computers for my school for a year, school officials quickly noticed and spread word of my work, allowing my business to spread like wildfire throughout the local communities. With determination (and some cre-ativity) Ive solved some very unordinary and strange problems. Id like to use this same willpower to help people in even better ways. no matter how impossible the problems I encounter may seem I will always remember what I tell myself when I fix computers: every problem must have a solution, and I can find it.
| Mathews essay is powerful because he doesnt just tell us about his entrepreneurship venture but actually gives us a sense that hes taking us to his work by narrating the process. This essay is also strong because Mathew demonstrates attributes that are desirable for an aspiring doctordetermination, problem-solving skills, and an ea - gerness to help othersusing an example unrelated to the sciences and medicine. Since Mathew also wrote about science and medicine in Exploring Lifes Intricacies (Chapter 19) and Addressing Injustices (Chapter 5), this essay diversifies his portfolio of essays while still con - Chapter 6: Entrepreneurship 55 necting well with the overall theme of applying specifically to a pre - medical program. Mathews narrative grips us from the very beginning. He begins with a suspenseful sentence: Every time I drive into a clients drive - way, theres always that moment. The immediate question that comes to mind is this: What moment? The image of a high school student driving to a clients house also raises our curiosity about what job this mature and responsible high school student is doing. Essays that chal-lenge our expectations are often the most memorable: in Mathews case, most high school students are studying; those who run their own businesses are rare. The essay underscores the importance of Mathews business. We can see this as he explains, . . . people are depending on me, and I must do my best to help them. Matthew demonstrates his commitment to this vow as he describes his process of determining the computers problem. The use of doctor terminology helps connect this essay to Mathews career goal and provides a coherent metaphor for the pa - per. For instance, he mentions his tool bag, which is reminiscent of a doctors instrument bag, and writes about the computer as if it were a patient: I anesthetize the computer and operate. This essay not only builds suspense and has us cheering for Mathew as he works to solve the problem, but the writing also allows us to share in the satisfaction and sense of accomplishment he feels at accomplishing his goal. The final paragraph does a wonderful job of providing a more ex - pansive context for the story we have just read. In essays that focus on one specific incident, it is often helpful to include a more general conclusion so that readers can understand the broader objective of this anecdote. Mathew does that well when he writes, This case is one of the hundreds Ive solved over the past few years, all without a single failure to find a practical solution. Mathews mention of the school officials who recommended his work adds extra credibility to his business and cleverly provides an informal recommendation to at - test to his determination and creativity. |
Unshakable Worth Princeton University pArT oF mE IS mISSING. ITS an identifiable, yet indescribable absence. It is odd how I can find more information about the initial sup - posed creators, Adam and Eve, than I can about my own. I dont know my father, and I doubt that I ever will. He left two weeks after I was born because I lacked a certain male member. Fidelity to personal con - victions was more important to him than a life that he had just shep - herded into this world. Because of his definitive choice, I will only be able to associate with him as a support check number until I am eigh - teen years of age. After that, who knows? When I was eleven, my mother decided to call this long-gone man in search of owed child support. After eleven years of nothingness, financial distress caused my mother call this absolute last resource. In my house, we had an early 90s telephone that had a speaker/mute function. I can still see that outdated piece of technology in the corner of my mind. That speaker/mute function granted me the only contact with my father that I have ever known. I was a mischievous child; I knew that day that my mother was physically on the phone with my birthfather. I was nave. I thought that hearing my fathers voice would fill the void created by years of absence. I thought that hearing his voice would allow me to place my father on the same grand plateau as other fathers who had always been there for their children, loved their children. I snuck into the room with the technical phone and silently listened in on the conversation. I felt smart and sly as I pressed the button that put the strangers voice on the speakerphone. Hah, I thought, he cant hear me, but I can hear him. Maybe if he would have known the simple fact that his daughter was listening, maybe then some shred of human decency would have shined through. Those few moments provided me with the only ounce of a man that comprises half of my biology that I will ever know. Unfortunately , the stranger didnt know I was listening. Like my life before, he never knew that I was there. As he yelled at my mother, I could hear the fear in her voice as he responded to her pleas with such malice. My mother tried to convey to my father that I was not just his incarnation to be provided for, but rather, a spectacular human being. As I sat there, listening in - tently to the conversation, I felt validated as a daughter by my mothers words, but shattered as a human being by my fathers insolence. In the moments that followed, that little girl, initially so excited at the prospect of finally being able to physically hear her creator, was eternally crushed. Just because she exists doesnt mean I have to love her; it doesnt mean I have to know her. I dont love her, and I never will. Crash. Is it possible for the strongest muscle in your body to simply break in half? One of my genetic halves had declared that he loathed my very existence. Those words succeeded to shatter my heart into a million pieces. I didnt know how to react. I turned off the phone and slithered back to my room. How could someone be so heartless? How could someone that heartless be a part of me? no words. I have been sobered by pain in a way that no psychological study ever could attempt. I may never know my father because of his deci - sion, and in turn, he will never know me. In the end, his loss will be the greater one. My fathers shining example of misconduct ironically guides me as a moral, ethical person. rather than searching for any fault within myself, I use my fathers failure as a tool. I take an earnest and honest stance in life. I know my great worth. I have nothing to prove to anyone, including myself.
| Sarahs essay is written with candor about a difficult and highly personal topicgrowing up without her father. She presents her thoughts in a way that elicits admiration for her strength, rather than pity. In writing about tragedies and tribulations that affect us but are outside of our control, it is important to think carefully about what kind of tone to use, and what kind of reader response this tone invites. For example, if Sarah had chosen to write an essay entirely fixated on the extreme anger she felt toward her father, readers may have felt alienated; if she wrote an essay that conveyed only sadness, we might have felt pity for her. The strength of Sarahs essay is that she is honest in displaying a spectrum of emotions. She conveys both confidence and vulnerabil - ity, which humanizes her story and also suggests to readers that she has invested valuable time and energy in a process of maturation and healing from the pain that she has experienced growing up. The opening paragraph of the essay gives us a sense of the emp - tiness that Sarah has experienced: she writes about an identifiable, yet indescribable absence. The paragraph is slightly risky in that it devotes several sentences to describing her fathers decisions to leave her family, though the space allotted for the entire essay is limited. In this case, though several sentences seem to be redundant in telling the basic fact that Sarahs dad left two weeks after she was born, they work to create a sense of loss, of something missing. This is an excellent reminder that not all sentences need to convey new informa - tion; they can also help create a mood or portray emotion. Sarahs first sentence creates a sense of bitter irony and sadness around the situation with her father, setting the context for the dialog with this long-gone man. The story about the phone conversation builds suspense. We, like 11-year-old Sarah, wonder how her dad will react, and hold expecta - tions that he might redeem his absence. Sarah mentions the speaker/mute function, a more memorable symbol than simply the phone. The suspense continues with the foreshadowing sentence, Maybe if he would have known the simple fact that his daughter was listen - ing, maybe then some shred of human decency would have shined through. The remainder of the essay focuses on Sarahs reactions to the phone conversation. The second to last paragraph is particularly pow - erful in the way she juxtaposes the conversation she overhears with her emotional reactions: Crash, No words, and questions like How could someone be so heartless? deliver an intense, almost raw hon - esty, revealing a glimpse of this pivotal scene in Sarahs life. Had she ended her writing here, this essay may not have felt very relevant to admissions officers. However, in the final paragraph, Sarah shows how she has internalized important lessons from the hurt she has experienced. The sense of self-worth and validation she con - veysI know my great worth, I have nothing to prove to anyoneis particularly effective after the painful story she has shared, an impor - tant lesson in the power of contrasts. |
no longer invisible University of Chicago I wISh I w AS INVISIBLE. I wish I was invisible. I wish I was invisible. One of my biggest fears has always been going to an unfamiliar place, but each time I have had the satisfaction of knowing that at the end of the day I can go home. I am a shy person, and it has always been dif - ficult for me to adjust to a new environment. Transitioning from eighth grade to high school was especially difficult for me because my high school was, in fact, a boarding school, which meant that that feeling of satisfaction was no longer present at the end of the day but postponed to the end of the week. Living at LFA was a completely new world for me and nothing I had experienced could have prepared me for it. With confused eyes and nothing less than a nauseous sensation in my stomach I entered my first day of high school. growing up, I had al - ways gone to school with people who looked like me, sounded like me, and dressed liked me, but here I quickly learned that I was the minor - ity . I was not alone in this. T wo of my friends came to LFA with me and, with this in mind, my shyness and I did not think it necessary to make new friends. Besides being one of the only schools with its own ice rink and providing only the latest technology for its students, it suddenly hit me that my new home had countless possibilities, but, before those possibilities could be realized, I had to take initiative. I learned a very important lesson at LFA: you will only get out of life as much as you put into it. Stepping out of my comfort zone allowed me to discover an interest and skill for volleyball and hidden leadership as the captain of the Jv team. I became a tutor and friend for young Hispanic students Chapter 7: Challenges 61 at the nuestro Center, and they reminded me how important it is to give back to the community . After numerous all nighters, I developed a system where I could get all of my homework done and still be able to get involved with sports and extracurriculars without having to sac-rifice any sleep time. Towards the end of my sophomore year a family members sickness unfortunately forced me to leave my school and return home. I left LFA and joined my new family , Mirta ramirez Computer Science Charter High School. Containing a student body that was 99 percent Hispanic, I was no longer the minority . I had unconsciously become accustomed to the LFA way of life because, in my mind, this tiny mustard yellow building with no more than four windows could not possibly compare to my old home. I was right. no, my new home was not as big nor as fancy , but I discovered that was not a setback. Although the resources were not directly visible nor as easily accessible, I learned that obstacles did not exist for students there. Most, if not all, of the students had the same hunger for knowledge as I had. This summer my school announced that the building which we had been using had fire code violations and we could not return to our building in the fall. Throughout the summer my school did not have a building and did not find one until a few weeks after school started. By that time I had already taken a decision to, once again, leave my home and join yet another family . What I realized on my first day at Josephinum Academy , was that my shyness had not tagged along and I was eager to go to school. The nauseous feeling had left my stomach and enthusiasm had entered. I had already gained and learned so much from the people I had met in my two previous schools that I could not wait to continue my journey and embark on yet another discovery . The knowledge that I have gained from these three schools is some - thing I will take with me far beyond college. My roommate, across-the-hall mates, and classmates have influenced my life as much as I hope to have impacted theirs. It is evident to me that they have helped me develop into the very much visible person I am today . I have learned to step outside of my comfort zone, and I have learned that diversity is so much more than the tint of our skin. My small mustard colored school taught me that opportunity and success only requires desire. I would be an asset to your college because as I continue on my journey to success, I will take advantage of every opportunity that is available to me and make sure to contribute as much as I can too. now I am visible. now I am visible. now I am visible, and I want to be seen.
| Angelicas essay is reminiscent of Jasons Hurricane Transformations (Chapter 15) in that it relates a story of self-trans - formation as she changes schools. The first paragraph opens with a memorable repetition: I wish I was invisible. I wish I was invisible. I wish I was invisible. This mantra demonstrates the fear Angelica has of going to an unfamiliar place. She honestly confesses a shortcoming she has: I am a shy person, and it has always been difficult for me to adjust to a new environment. In these admissions essays, it is appro - priate to share perceived weaknesses. However, it is best not to dwell on these weaknesses excessively. In Angelicas case, she describes her shyness in order to help us trace her progress as she slowly be - comes less introverted. At the beginning of the second paragraph, we get a palpable sense of the distress Angelicas shyness causes her through her description of her confused eyes and nauseous stomach. She humorously de - scribes the insular attitude she takes at her new school, LFA: . . . my shyness and I did not think it necessary to make new friends. The transition to the next sentence is somewhat abrupt; Angelica might have considered using a paragraph break or adding another sentence so readers can see how she came to realize she had to take initiative. However, she does a wonderful job of illustrating several ways in which she stepped out of her comfort zone by describing her leadership on the volleyball team and her community service as a tutor. Angelica wisely uses two concrete examples rather than writing a long list. Her ability to juggle extracurriculars and schoolwork without sacrificing sleep suggests that she will continue to manage her time wisely and pursue a well-balanced lifestyle in college. This second paragraph also hints at the importance of Angelicas Hispanic ethnicity. She writes, I was the minority at LFA, and de - scribes her work at the Nuestro Center. This is a creative way to write about ones heritage without exaggerating its importance. Race/eth - nicity play different roles in peoples lives, so there can hardly be a rule for how much or how little to factor this into ones essays. Perhaps the best rule of thumb is to write about this to the extent that you feel nec - essary in order to genuinely convey your most important point. In Angelicas case, the fact that she comes from a Hispanic family is a backdrop to the more important point: she has a hunger for knowl - edge that refuses to be set back even in her predominantly Hispanic school that is not nearly as well-resourced as LFA. The metaphor of a new family and new home effectively demonstrate Angelicas ability to adapt. In the third school she moves to, we find out that Angelicas shyness had not tagged along . . . The nauseous feeling had left [Angelicas] stomach and enthusiasm had entered. This reference to the nervous sensations Angelica mentioned in the second paragraph is an excellent way to show us how her feelings and thoughts have changed. Angelicas ability to relate parts of her essay together helps tie the narrative into a coherent whole. By referencing back to earlier sections of the story, she prevents her essay from reading like a nar - rated timeline of her past. The most powerful example of this strategy is at the end of her essay, where Angelica writes, Now I am visible, bringing the theme of the piece back full circle. |
Power of People Columbia University I BELIEVE IN pEopLE. ThIS coNVIcTIoN drives my action and am - bitions, and defines me in a world of cynicism and doubt. I have seen the power of people and their ability to come together in times of need and joy and sorrow. I know that ultimately , humans strive for belong - ing and community; thus, while loneliness and anger may always be in existence, so will be togetherness and bliss. My strong faith in hu - manity stems from my witnessing of the best in human qualities while doing the MS150 and during Hurricane Ike, and pushes me to pursue a career in helping others. Both of these events have allowed me to see humanity at its best, performing selfless acts of benevolence. For the past four years, I have participated in the BPMS150 bike tour from Houston to Austin. This 175 mile ride raises funds for the national MS Society , which sponsors medical research for multiple scle - rosis and aids the families of its victims. I can say from experience, the ride is grueling; enormous hills, headwinds, fatigue, and body aches are prevalent throughout. Yet every year, over thirteen thousand riders decide to put their minds and bodies through two days of torture so that they can help those who live with it every day . I have raised, over four years, more than eight thousand dollars to benefit the MS Society , and have never regretted any of the painful training or the ride itself. The view at the starting line is one of the most empowering I have ever witnessed: thousands of people, all of them with their hands on their handle bars, one foot poised on a pedal. All are ready to experience exhaustion for the benefit of others, like my father. He was diagnosed with MS when I was four, and is a constant motivator for me. I wit - nessed him become blind in one eye, and struggle with a body that re - fuses to function normally . I participate in this ride every year for him, as do thirteen thousand others. The power of people will ultimately help my father to receive better medical treatment, and maybe even one day , be cured. While writing this essay , I was also able to observe and be a part of amazing human efforts. Hurricane Ike devastated Southeastern Texas, particularly the Houston and galveston areas. Much of my extended family lives in galveston, and so was forced to evacuate. Without hesi - tation, my parents opened up our home to aunts, uncles, grandpar - ents, cousins, and pets. This is the environment in which I have always lived; our home is anyones shelter, our food is anyones nourishment. Together, our entire family weathered the storm, and comforted one another. My aunts home received electrical power prior to my home, and so she eagerly welcomed us to stay with her. Large scale displays of altruism could be seen in the hundreds of University of Houston students handing out food and water to those affected by the hurri-cane. During times of need, people band together for safety and solace. Community is instinctual; dismiss the notions of survival of the fittest. People truly desire closeness with one another. In the future, I hope to pursue a career in public health. I love studying science and math, and I would like to use this passion to benefit large numbers of people. Many go without basic medical treat - ment, and this causes a huge discrepancy in quality of life and health in the population. Even if this problem can never completely be solved, I want to help remedy this as much as possible. With small deeds and cooperative effort, humans can accomplish immense good. I know this because I believe in people, and I have seen them at their finest.
| Suzanne begins her essay with a four-word sentence that is pow - erful for its simplicity and frankness: I believe in people. She goes on to explain why this assertion of her beliefs distinguishes herself from the people around her. Several of the statements Suzanne makes are quite grand; for example, she states that humans strive for belong - ing and community; thus, while loneliness and anger may always be in existence, so will be togetherness and bliss. Still, she avoids the pitfalls of generalization by honing in on two specific examples: the MS150 and Hurricane Ike. One minor point to comment on here is that it is best to spell out all acronyms when first using them in an essay. Most people probably do not know what the MS150/BPMS150 is, so Suzanne could have made this clear by referencing a 150-mile benefit bike tour. The second paragraph does an excellent job of demonstrating what Suzanne does for the MS150, her feelings toward the event, and her personal motivation for participating in this grueling bike tours two days of torture for four years. This description is particularly strong because Suzanne not only relates her own experience, but also shows that there are 13,000 other people dedicated to the same cause. This adds evidence to the faith in humanity that she describes in the first paragraph. When making broad claims, it is necessary to provide a broad base of evidence and support. Suzanne certainly accomplishes this in describing her fundraising achievements for the MS Society. Her essay is made more compelling by sharing the story of her constant motivator, her father. The transition between the second and third paragraph is some - what jarring. After the sentence, The power of people will ultimately help my father to receive better medical treatment, and maybe even one day, be cured, Suzanne could have chosen to write about her future career goals in public health. This link makes more sense logi - cally than the current sentence preceding her career plans, People truly desire closeness with one another. Luckily, because Suzanne referenced both the bike tour and Hurricane Ike in her introduction, the paragraph about the Hurricane is not entirely incongruous. It would simply have fit the flow of the essay better, had she chosen a more specific and compelling transition sentence rather than While writing this essay, I was also able to observe and be a part of amazing human efforts. The power of the Hurricane Ike story is similar to the strength of the MS150 description in that Suzanne presents her individual per - spective along with a sense of collective effort. Overall, Suzanne does an excellent job of conveying two profound experiences to illustrate her conviction that With small deeds and cooperative effort, humans can accomplish immense good. |
self Mind Yale University JULY 22 LAST YEAr w AS mEANT to be a typical Sunday . Just like every Sunday , my mother and I were getting ready to visit my older brother at his Waikiki apartment, where we would talk for a little while. But July 22nd was different. That chilly morning, we got a phone call from his roommate telling us my brother was going to the emergency room. As we drove to Queens Hospital, I didnt know what to think. Although I tried to assure myself that nothing serious could have happened to him, anxiety clouded my mind. My brother, T yson, emigrated from vietnam with my mom and my other older brother to the United States in 1990, with dreams of a new life and fresh opportunities. He enrolled in high school with virtually no knowledge of the English language. Even though he had to simulta - neously manage a part-time job at McDonalds, he excelled in academ - ics and was the top of his class in calculus. At 34 years old, he was the epitome of health: he ran marathons ev - ery year, had a healthy diet, and never smoked or drank alcohol. When I got to the Er and saw him lying in the hospital bed, he looked like the T yson that I always knew. nothing seemed wrong. He just seemed tired, and he didnt have the energy to speak. However, coming back from an MrI scan, my brother seemed dif - ferent. His eyes were unfocused and dazed, as if he didnt see the room in front of him. Uneasiness and fear rushed down my spine. I shouted for help, just as my brothers body started to spasm. I felt a profound emotion surging up in me, one that I had never experienced before--a wrenching sense of trepidation, laced with sickening adrenaline. The seizure took control of his body , and he began to foam at the mouth. His body seized up, but I was frozen still. I didnt know what to do. I felt useless and terrified. T yson told me, when I was just a kid, not to work while I was in high school. I was young, though, and still wanted to work because I wanted to make money , like him. During his high school years, he took on a part-time job after school, even though it meant he had to come home late every night. Often, he would stay up through the early hours of the morning, determined to complete his schoolwork. He held down the job, despite its exhausting physical toll, because he had to: he had to assist with the bills and support my mom, so that she could take English classes at the local community college. T yson said that I didnt have to work, because he would always be there to support me. While my brother was in the hospital, my mother and I went there every day from before dawn to late at night, when the streets were emp - ty . T yson had developed severe brain inflammation as a result of the seizure. He had dozens of tests done: X-rays, MrIs, blood tests, spinal taps, a bronchoscopy , and even a brain biopsy . A labyrinth of Iv tubes, wires, and cables were hooked up to his body , monitoring his life signs and feeding dozens of chemicals and solutions into his bloodstream. The doctors kept him constantly sedated. His brain inflammation was life-threatening, and he caught a case of severe pneumonia. His doc - tors had to place him on life support. In three weeks, my brother had gone from being in the best shape of his life, from being a veritable Superman, to laying on his deathbed. When I was a kid, I was a crybaby . I cried when I didnt get the toy I wanted. I cried when I didnt get the food I wanted. However, at some point during my childhood, around the age of six, I stopped crying. no matter how much I was teased or pushed around, I never cried. no matter how much I was mocked about my clothes, or my ethnicity , I didnt cry . August 11 last year was the first time since childhood that I cried. It was the day that my brother passed away . And it was the first time that I ever saw my mom cry . It was a traumatizing experience, and for a while I was depressed that such a tragedy could occur so arbitrarily to someone like my brother: someone who was strong, someone who was healthy , someone who lived by a strong moral code and never sac - rificed his values for material rewards. But after a while, I realized that the circumstances of his death were not a refutation of his beliefs, but instead, a reminder of their importance. Even though we cannot con - trol the twists and turns of life, we must deal with them as best we can. My brother, even though he didnt know English, enrolled in school and ultimately excelled. And at the same time, to help our mother go to school on the side, he took on a part-time job. Certainly he must have wished that he hadnt faced those disadvantages, but he didnt com - plain. rather, he faced the realities of his situation head-on, and suc-ceeded. T ysons death was a tragic reflection of the cold, random chance of nature, but it was in no way any verdict on his philosophy: instead, I realized, it served as a clear reminder to me that the worst can hap-pen to even the best, and that the strength of an individual lies in his ability to maintain his values when faced with such difficult situations. Today , I still hold onto the lessons that my brother taught me through his actions: to put the needs of your family first, to always persevere in the face of adversity , and to never compromise your ideals for petty desires. To lose heart in these values because of his death, then, would be a harsh disservice to T ysons legacy .
| In Self Mind, Timothy takes on the role of author and brother, describing his brothers death with poignancy and honesty. Utilizing his gift for storytelling, Timothy shares the rawness of his emotions, creating an essay that contrasts despair and hope, admiration for his brother and devastation for his loss. Much of the essay is somber, a tone that is apropos for the essay topic, but Timothy prevents the heaviness from becoming excessively depressing by relating parts of his past and Tysons past, along with the broader philosophical lessons he learned from the painful experience of losing his brother. Timothy, like Sarah in her essay Unshakable Worth, (Chapter 7) creates a powerful essay from family tragedy in a way that invokes admiration rather than pity. The introduction of Timothys essay sets an ominous mood without being overly melodramatic. We wonder why July 22nd was different, feel the chilly morning, and share Timothys uneasiness as anxiety clouds his mind. Timothy goes on to give us a sense of who Tyson is. Without explicitly stating that he admires his brother, we can sense Timothys respect for his brothers ability to overcome language and financial barriers as a newly arrived immigrant from Vietnam. This narrative is particularly compelling because it combines differ - ent styles of narration and different paces of storytelling. For example, the first paragraph sets the scene for a specific day while creating a mood of slight discomfort. The second paragraph describes one of the crucial people in this story and takes a time scale of several years. The third paragraph continues explaining Tysons story and brings us back to the ER, to the immediacy and urgency of the situation on July 22 last year. In the fourth paragraph, the pace of the narrative changes dramatically, especially when we arrive at this sentence: Uneasiness and fear rushed down my spine. I shouted for help, just as my brothers body started to spasm. Timothys short sentences help create a sense of paralysis as he describes how he felt at the time: I didnt know what Chapter 7: Challenges 69 to do. I felt useless and terrified. While it is true that long sentences can provide the structure for complex descriptions, short and simple sentences are effective in conveying powerful emotions. Timothys essay uniquely bounces between the terrifying and dis - tressing scene in the emergency room and paragraphs about Tysons hard work and life philosophies. Timothy writes about both with vivid de - tail and heartfelt sincerity. The interludes where we learn about Tysons struggles help alleviate the emotional intensity of the situation. Though death is often avoided as an essay topic in the U.S., Timothy writes about it with dignity and grace. In revealing that after age six, he never cried, no matter how much I was mocked about my clothes, or my ethnicity, Timothy shows us that he, like his brother, also faced challenges as an immigrant. This intimate fact also crystal - lizes Timothys grief when his brother dies. Amazingly, Timothy is able to end the essay on a strong and optimistic note (just as Sarah does), one that highlights his love for his family and his perseverance in the face of adversity. |
A summer of stem Cells MIT IT AppEArS ALL YoUr cELLS ArE dEAd. Only shock prevented the tears from streaming down my face. My cells were dead. After being accepted into the competitive Stanford Institutes of Medicine Summer research Program (SIMr), and spend - ing approximately 170 hours of the past month manipulating human embryonic stem cells (hESCs), I was back to square onewith only one month of my internship remaining. How in the world was I going to make up for lost time? As I asked myself the question, I thought back to exactly how I had spent those 170 hours, working to develop the stem cells which now, under the microscope, were hollow with the absence of life. I started my internship a little overwhelmed by the fancy hoods, automatic pipettes, and high-speed centrifuges. But by the first of the 170 hours, I had familiarized myself with the equipment and begun my quest to find the function of PrDM1a gene thought to control replication in hESCs. First though, I needed to make a growth medium for the hESCs. I painstakingly measured to the ten millionth of a liter, testing the accuracy of each measurement multiple times before finally dispensing it into the medium solution. After I had plated the hESCs on my new medium, I waited with bated breath for the results. To my joy , two days later, my cells were thriving and even outgrow - ing their new home. Known for their ability to quickly replicate, it was logical they would need to be frequently transferred. The difficult part was that, as part of my experiment to find the purpose of PrDM1, I had different strains of hESCs (some serving as control strains) which could not be mixed. Transferring hESCs is a process requiring great concentration and coordination. It took me about three hours the first time. By the end of the month, though, transferring was second nature and my cells were doing wellI had inserted a fluorescent protein into their DnA to verify the hESCs containing the resistant vector were living, as hypothesized. I had successfully created hundreds of stable hESC colonies of different strains. Everything seemed to be going so well . . . But now was not the time to reminiscence. I snapped out of my daydream and refocused on the situation at hand. Ariela? I know taking the news the first time can be hard, but keep in mind, you probably didnt do anything wrong. You know how sensi - tive they are . . . this sort of thing is common when working with stem cells. I know, I said, smiling genuinely this time, Im ready to try again. My project was not completed by the end of the summer, but through hard work, I was able to replicate parts of the experiment to produce valuable data. Although the experiment did not go as planned, I am proud of myself for persevering. As Thomas Edison said, Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.
| A Summer of Stem Cells uses lively dialogue and careful de - tail to show us how Ariela responded to a major setback during her summer research at SIMR. The introduction, It appears all your cells are dead, is gripping and mysterious. We subsequently learn of the astonishing 170 hours Ariela has devoted to her research project with human embryonic stem cells. Arielas colloquial tone serves to draw readers in so that we sympathize with her plight. We also wonder how in the world Ariela will make up for the lost time now that she is back to square one. Where Scientific Sparks (Chapter 5) used a straightforward chronological narrative effectively, A Summer of Stem Cells provides a refreshing twist by going back in time. This tactic also invigorates our understanding of 170 hours. Generally, numbers are more mean - ingful when they are contextualized. Had Ariela not described how she spent the 170 hours, this detail may have seemed like bragging, or alternatively might have been dismissed. However, by describing fancy hoods, automatic pipettes, and high-speed centrifuges and the painstaking ways in which she used this professional equipment on her quest, Ariela gives us a stronger understanding of her dedica - tion and focus. She sets up suspense by writing, I waited with bated breath for the results, a statement that invites the reader to share in her nervous and eager anticipation. By writing about the learning process in the lab with such careful detail, Ariela shows us that she possesses the great concentration and coordination necessary for conducting scientific research. We are swept into her optimism: Everything seemed to be going so well . . . Here, the ellipses provide a transition back to the moment when Ariela discovers the devastating fact that her stem cells are dead. It would be helpful to know who speaks to ArielaIs it her lab manager? A voice in her head?to reassure her that she probably didnt do anything wrong and that this sort of thing is common when working with stem cells. This essay demonstrates that it is possible to write a compelling essay based on experiences related to a circumstance that might be deemed a failure or a project where performance didnt reach ones ex - pectations. Ariela writes with admirable honesty when she admits that her project was not completed by the end of the summer. However, we understand that her perseverance paid off, as she was able to pro-duce valuable data. Since the original essay asked about something that you have created, Ariela might have explained in greater detail what this valuable data was. However, her choice to show an experi - ment that she created that did not go as planned is a unique response. It is memorable because many people are afraid to admit their mis-takes. By ending on a Thomas Edison quote, Ariela shows that she is following the persistent spirit of the famous scientist-inventor in her passionate pursuit of scientific knowledge. |
All Worth it Cornell University hES IN mY ArmS, ThE NEwEST addition to the family . Im too over - whelmed. Thats why I wanted you to go to Bishop Loughlin, she says, preparing baby bottles. But ma, I chose Tech because I wanted to be challenged. Well, youre going to have to deal with it, she replies, adding, Your aunt watched you when she was in high school. But ma, there are three of them. Its hard! returning home from a summer program that cemented intellectual and social independence to find a new baby was not exactly thrilling. Add him to the toddler and seven year old sister I have and theres no wonder why I sing songs from Blues Clues and The Backyardigans instead of sane seventeen year old activities. Its never been simple; as a female and the oldest, Im to significantly rear the children and clean up the shabby apartment before an ounce of pseudo freedom reaches my hands. If I can manage to get my toddler brother onto the city bus and take him home from day care without snot on my shoulder, and if I can manage to take off his coat and sneakers without demonic scream - ing for no apparent reason, then its a good day . Only , waking up at three in the morning to work, the only free time I have, is not my cup of Starbucks. We were already different at age fourteen. She gave birth to me and went to an alternative high school; I established closeness with new friends in a competitive high school. She and my then present father were taking care of me; I was studying the environmental effects on the onset of schizophrenia. She took her daughter to preschool, and I vowed to never let anything get in the way of my academics. Even though Im taking courses that prepare me for a career in the medical field, a path I would not pursue even at risk of spontaneous combus - tion of Earth, there is no excuse for me to fail. After all, my family has a reputation for failure, and if I dont push myself, no one else will. When I think of me not choosing the effortless Bishop Loughlin High School and traditional fun with friends and preferring the intense courses, dedication to achievement, and overall feeling of self-worth, I cannot believe my mother still cant accept my choice. One thing Ive learned growing up in Brooklyn is that disappointment happens often. The bike I rode to school in the morning wasnt there when I went to get it in the afternoon. Thats Brooklyn. Instead of seeing movies with friends on weekends, I work hard and attempt to keep the little kids out of my moms hair. Thats Brooklyn. Instead of going outside to my backyard, I remember I dont have one, and settle for the 12 by 6 concrete space in front of my house. Thats Brooklyn. My Brooklyn doesnt feature flowers of the freshest air or people who smile and say hi. Instead, theres what might have been Orbit gum on the floor among the other thousand wads, a pool of strangely colored vomit, and the monotonous working class boarding the subway to the job it will complain about when it returns home. If theres anything that Brooklyn has taught me, its just do it. I owe it to myself to keep trying, not because I have to, but because I want to prove to myself that I can. Ill have to endure the requirements of help - ing to raise my siblings and other responsibilities. After the chaos and traffic and noise have settled, I know Ive made the right choice, even if my mother hasnt. And its all worth it.
| This essay opens with a conversation that abounds in conflict. Though this unconventional opening poses a risk of being confusing or unclear, it contains enough hints to pique the readers curiosity. We wonder why the narrator feels overwhelmed. We sense the authors frustration at being encouraged to go to Bishop Loughlin instead of Tech and wonder why her mother doesnt agree with her. Finally, we feel curious about the emotions and situations behind the outburst, Its hard! Like Lisas essay, Then and Now (Chapter 12) and Jackies The House on Wellington Avenue, (Chapter 15), the author does not com - plain about the challenging circumstances surrounding her upbringing. This essay is particularly striking because it doesnt speak explicitly about poverty or teen pregnancy in an abstract way, but the author tells us the story of the direct lived experience: taming the demonic screaming of a younger sibling, cleaning up a shabby apartment, waking up at 3 a.m. to do schoolwork. The paragraph that begins We were already different at age four - teen could be more explicit about who comprises we. Eventually it does become clear that the author is comparing herself to her mother. The author uses striking visual language to render the stark contrasts between her teenage years and her mothers. While her mother spent teenage years rearing children, the author chose intense courses and dedicated herself to academic achievements. This essay resem - bles Lessons from the Immigration Spectrum (Chapter 9) in that the author does not complacently accept the label of underprivileged but rather rises above the limitations, refusing to fail. The author of this essay highlights her determination when she writes, . . . if I dont push myself, no one else will. In the first half of the essay, we see why her single mom does not push herself to succeed. In the fourth paragraph, the author powerfully illustrates why the entire neighborhood she grew up in did not foster success. In describing how disappointment happens often in Brooklyn, the author chooses small examples to illustrate larger problems in the neighborhood. The disappearance of her bike hints at crime; her sacri - fice of weekend outings indicates the intergenerational strains of teen pregnancy; the wads of gum and strangely colored vomit show the general state of disrepair. And the monotonous working class/sub - way illustration further demonstrates the authors general despair with her surroundings. The repetition of the phrase Thats Brooklyn is a unique and memorable way to separate the different observations that the author makes about the dismal conditions of her neighborhood. This phrase shows the authors attitude of just do it even in circum - stances where many would give up. The phrase also helps prevent the paragraph from reading like a long litany of complaints. The varied sentence lengths of this essay make it stylistically captivating. For in - stance, the last sentence, And its all worth it, is surprising and direct, capturing the authors keen resolve to overcome challenges. This es - say is exceptional in its ability to use small, personal details to illustrate broader social issues that face a neighborhood full of disappointments. The intimate personal stories that the author shares make this essay a moving and compelling account of her strength and determination. |
Music from the Heart Caltech ThE GrEATEST JoY oF mUSIc IS to share it with others. Unfortunately , the pleasure of performing is often forgotten when players become more concerned with the technicalities and notes. I also once thought that I knew all the important keys to successful piano playing: practice, technique, dedication, and a love for what I do. Focused on the details, I lost sight of my audience. During my sophomore year, my friend invited me to join Music from the Heart, a group that showcased its musical talents to senior citizens. Although I accepted the invitation to support her, I began to regret my choice as the first performance approached. not knowing how the seniors would respond to my performance, especially when I made a mistake, performing before the seniors became a terrifying thought. Although my first performance went smoothly , it was hard to know whether the seniors enjoyed the pieces or the performance. While the group performed, the seniors would talk to each other, pausing to clap at the end of each piece. Trying to impress the audience, I eventually grew accustomed to preparing a showy piece as the monthly perfor - mance approached. So used to this monthly routine, I doubted that this performance would be different from the previous ones when I was ready to perform my favorite piece one summer day . While waiting for my turn, I glanced around the room, noting with some uneasiness the growing number of seniors gathered around the piano. Amidst the crowd of chattering se - niors, one womans rapt attention to the performance caught my inter - est. She greeted each performer with a wide toothy smile and made a small comment about the composition. Uncertain of her expectations, I watched for her reaction when I rose to introduce my piece, Clair de Lune by Claude Debussy . Ooh, I love that song, was all she said in response.A smile crossed my face when I discovered that she shared my enthusiasm for the composition. To demonstrate to her how much I en - joyed the song, I played my best to convey what made this moonlight song so special to me. My minor concerns on technicalities slowly dis-sipated as the song progressed. All that mattered then was playing the song I loved as well as I could. For the first time, I felt contented with my performance, undisturbed by mistakes. The performance was far from perfect. However, none of the seniors commented that the rhythm was too slow or the notes were wrong like the audition judges would normally do. Although they still chat - tered softly during the performance, they all smiled and clapped. A few of them would say that the song was lovely . They appreciated my efforts to entertain them and eagerly asked the group to return soon. Just the delighted smile on the womans face made the performance worthwhile. It was the seniors appreciation for what I did that brought them back to the piano each month, and my love for what I did that drew me to it. The monthly performance was not just a musical showcase; it was my chance to give back to the community and to help enrich the seniors life. The true joy in my life is not just sharing music, but devot - ing myself to community services as a volunteer.
| This students introduction served its purpose. It probably made the admissions officers curious. What happened when she made the mistake of focusing on the technicalities of playing music rather than the enjoyment of it? It probably made them want to read more to find the answer. As the author of this essay explains how she volunteered for Music from the Heart, she also reveals her honest feelingshow she has apprehension about performing and how she wasnt sure if the seniors were enjoying it because of their chatting during the performance. Many students think that you need to present yourself in a light that makes you appear almost perfect, but sharing these kinds of doubts actually makes the essay more interesting, personable and honest. Being per - fect is not very compelling, but letting the reader know that you have minor insecurities adds some complexity. This also reveals a lot about the way that you think and how you view your own personality. During the crux of the story, we can see the student change from focusing on how well she performs technically to sharing her enthusi-asm for the music. She describes the internal dialogue that she has with herself, trying to perform with as much enthusiasm as possible when the seniors react to her playing. Its easy to understand why she enjoys playing for the seniors and how their smiles and thanks make it worth the time that she spends each month. For essays on community service, its critical to demonstrate that you are not just doing community service because it looks good on a resume or because a parent or your school is forcing you to, but that you actually enjoy the work and put your whole self into it. From this essay, the admissions officers could tell that this student gains as much from the experience as her audience does, and that shes likely to continue such service in college and beyond. |
Precious Planet Duke University hELLo! whAT S YoUr NAmE? pEN-YUAN hSING. I see The Expression, then hear The response: What? Starting the first grade in the US without knowing a single word of English, going back to Taiwan three years later incapable of recognizing a single Chinese character is not exactly an ideal circumstance for blending in. For many years, I was always the quiet one sitting in the corner, the one who few people talked to, the one out of the loop. I was the local alien. I opt to join the Earth Science Club during my first year in Lishan High School, as I always had an interest in astronomy , which happened to be the focus of that years club activities. I didnt know the weekly gathering time of our club was also an elective Earth Science course that students from other high schools could attend. I certainly did not realize what a big impact this arrangement would have on me. near the end of the first semester, I was approached by a girl from a neighboring school who attended this earth science course. She asked if I wanted to join her on an environmental survey of Taiwans Keelung coast conducted by an organization called Taipei Wetnet. For a mo - ment I hesitated, I literally had no experience in responding to invita-tions. What suddenly came out of my mouth surprised me, Sure, what time? For the next three years I spent in Taipei Wetnet, I gained not only a close friend, knowledge about the problems our environment faced, but perhaps most importantly found a group of people who shared the same convictions, who are passionate about the same thing, the plight of our precious planet. A year after being introduced to this organiza - tion, I was its coordinator and presented my first academic paper at an environmental education conference. I learned that I dont always have to be the quiet one in the corner, that I do and can have things to share with everyone else. I dont have to fear. I often think about how I managed to say yes on that fateful day . Was it just because of a pretty face? Or maybe there has always been a special part of me that wanted to get out, and she was instrumental in flipping the switch. This eye-opening experience and what I learned from it is what I desperately want to share with the world. Perhaps, somewhere out there is another quiet person in the corner just waiting to be found. A switch waiting to be flipped. You just have to find it, flip it, and make the world a brighter, warmer place.
| Pen-Yuan begins his essay with an apparent shortcomingnot being about to blend in as the local alien, the quiet one sitting in the corner, the one out of the loop. This introduction is reminiscent of Angelicas essay, No Longer Invisible, (Chapter 7), in which she describes her intense shyness. Like Angelica, Pen-Yuan chooses to describe a weakness in order to demonstrate a gradual transformation in personality from introvert to extrovert and leader. There is a bit of an abrupt break between Pen-Yuans comment about feeling like a local alien to joining the Earth Science Club. It is often challenging to seamlessly transition between the introductory paragraph in an essay to the first body paragraph. While it is not es - sential to explicitly link these two paragraphs, being mindful of this transition can make the essay read more smoothly and logically. Pen-Yuan does a nice job of using short snippets of conversation to add a lively tone to his essay as well as a means to highlight piv - otal points. For instance, he opens the essay with, Hello! Whats your name? and describes the confused What? that comes in response to Pen-Yuan Hsing, a short exchange that underscores his feeling of being a local alien. Later on, when he blurts out Sure, what time? in response to the invitation to join Taipei WetNet, we see another crucial turning point in Pen-Yuans life. As we move from the third to the fourth paragraph, the story line jumps from Pen-Yuan joining Taipei WetNet to his concluding three years with the organization. This section could be more effective if Pen-Yuan describes some of the events in which he participated dur - ing the three years. This might give the reader a sense of his engage - ment and involvement before he concludes, I gained not only a close friend, knowledge about the problems our environment faced, but per - haps most importantly found a group of people who shared the same convictions, who are passionate about the same thing, the plight of our precious planet. Examples might have helped more compellingly demonstrate this passion for protecting the planet and his experiences working with a group. Pen-Yuan illustrates his transformation from a loner to an integral member of the Taipei WetNet group when he writes, I learned that I dont always have to be the quiet one in the corner, that I do and can have things to share with everyone else. I dont have to fear. He con - cludes his essay by urging us to reach out to another quiet person in the corner just waiting to be found in order to make the world a bright - er, warmer place. Because we know the personal story behind this request, it appears more meaningful and sincere. Overall, Pen-Yuans essay convincingly portrays the story of personal transformation from shy student to fearless leader using the specific, memorable example of his dedicated environmental work with Taipei WetNet. |
Cuddle Buddies Stanford University ThE coLd mId-AUGUST SAN FrANcISco BAY fog was just beginning to roll in over Piedmont as I snapped the cover shut on Jennings Burchs book They Cage the Animals at night, the most recent addi - tion to my get ready for 7th grade summer reading extravaganza. It is a story about a young boy who lives in various orphanages and foster homes with only his stuffed animal, Doggie, for companionship. My cousin from Connecticut had told me that it was a fabulous book, but little did I know how it would touch my life and the lives of others. As I gazed across my room at the pile of stuffed animals I had been collecting since I was young, an idea came to me. I would collect stuffed animals for children like Jennings. First, I contacted local agencies that support children suffering from abuse and neglect and told them about my idea. They said that the stuffed animals would be very helpful in therapy and would certainly lift childrens spirits. I decided to call my project Cuddle Buddies. now I actually had to come up with the buddies! I wrote articles for the local and school newspapers, telling Jennings story and asking for donations of stuffed animals. My phone rang off the hook; schools, families, local business - es and toy manufacturers all wanted to help. Much to my delight this project took the Bay Area by storm. By the second week my living room looked like a zoo with animals tucked in every corner and on top of each chair. Every time my mom and I made deliveries to the agencies, the kids would be waiting for their Cuddle Buddies with their eyes down, too shy to look but shaking with excitement. Six years after its launch, Cuddle Buddies continues to expand. Each year I solicit from more toy companies and communities. now over 25,000 stuffed animals have been donated to agencies in the Bay Area and Connecticut, emergency units, two orphanages in Africa and one in germany . At the Saidia Childrens Home in Kenya, Simon, a seven year old, whose parents died from AIDS, couldnt sleep at night. When the Cuddle Buddies were laid out for him to choose from, Simon selected a grey koala bear and soon after was sleeping through the night. My heart ached when I learned that a young girl in Oakland had stopped cutting herself so she could get the big black dog that she wanted so badly . I never dreamed that Cuddle Buddies would be used in these ways. Knowing that I would be going on to college and that others my age could do what I have done, I decided to expand Cuddle Buddies. To spread the word beyond the Bay Area I designed a website, www.cuddlebuddies.net, and contacted newspapers and Tv stations across the nation. The response was overwhelming. I heard from kids, par - ents, agencies and even The girls Scouts. I am now helping to establish two dozen Cuddle Buddies chapters from Utah to north Carolina. This has been a great experience. I have learned how to follow through on an idea, how to champion a cause and how to deal with setbacks. But most importantly , I have learned how easy it is to posi - tively impact a life and the joy that comes from it. I will go to college with these lessons in mind and hope to continue my work with Cuddle Buddies, even as I engage in a whole new set of exciting academic and nonacademic pursuits.
| Cuddle Buddies chronicles Anastasias leading role in the de - velopment of a social enterprise. This story is probably compelling for admissions officers at Stanford, where there is a growing interest in social entrepreneurship. Anastasias impressive story demonstrates her creativity and commitment to growing a vision, a valuable asset as a leader in whatever exciting academic and nonacademic pursuits lie ahead for her. The introduction draws us in with its careful attention to detail: we can see the San Francisco fog, sense its chilliness, and witness Anastasias passion for reading. The last sentence, little did I know how it would touch my life and the lives of others, foreshadows the creation of Cuddle Buddies. What is particularly remarkable about this story is Anastasias young ageshe is only in 7 th grade. It is quite a dramatic jump from the small scene in the book, They Cage the Animals at Night, and the decision to provide animals for therapy. Anastasia could have added a few more sentences to explain how she started the ball rolling on her project. In particular, it is surprising that she contacted local agencieshere it may help to specify which onesas one imagines that most teenagers might simply tell their friends an idea and never actually act to make the vision a reality. The third paragraph uses vivid imagery and active language to make the reader feel a part of the creation and expansion of Cuddle Buddies. Anastasia does an excellent job of using lively phrases so that we feel we are also participants in the process as the phone rang off the hook, the living room became like a zoo and the project took the Bay Area by storm. It is impressive that this storm has hardly abated six years later. Admissions officers often admire stories about long-term commitment, especially when the author can demonstrate continual growth throughout this process. As Anastasias third para - graph shows, this growth has certainly occurred: personally, Anastasia has learned management skills as her organization has expanded in - ternationally, having donated 25,000 stuffed animals. Anastasia gives a face to this statistic by relating the story of Simon with his gray koala and the girl in Oakland who chooses the big black dog. This is con - crete proof that this idea does lift childrens spirits. The link to Anastasias website is an excellent way to distinguish her from other prospective students. The website demonstrates her professionalism, much as the business card in Jasons story, Birthing a Business (Chapter 14) shows his willingness to go above and be - yond expectations. Anastasia wraps up her essay nicely by noting, I have learned how to follow through on an idea, how to champion a cause and how to deal with setbacks, skills she can apply as she pursues her education after high school. |
Best Reader University of Pennsylvania ThE GIANT BrowN BEAr w AS crEEpING quietly behind the blissfully pink duck ready to wring his bare paws around her neck and throw her into a pot of boiling stew. We turned the page.While I chuckled at the impracticality of a bear boiling water to eat a duck, especially a pink duck, I lifted my head to find Matthew tip - toeing about the room exhibiting the meanest, most ferocious look his cute face could conjure. All the while, little Monica sat huddled next to my arm honestly afraid to turn the page and find her favorite pink creature in a bears tummy . It was one of those moments of my hours spent reading with chil - dren at the library when it dawned just how much, as a grown up, I was missing. I remembered the Thursday when v ictoria bounded into the reading room showcasing in her small hands a golden certificate from school. Best reader, it glistened. A smile came across my face as I looked into the eyes of the petite 7-year old who just last year had been held back in first grade because her reading was not up to par. It was the same smile that had filled my face six months prior, when victoria joined the reading program and I saw the other volunteers instantly point at me. Our supervisor had agreed with them, knowing I would use my patient disposition and friendly way with children to motivate our new student. I had nodded vigorously , smiling, not only because I was proud of the confidence they had in me, but because nothing would make me happier than taking on the challenge of help - ing victoria improve her reading. After spending the first session responding to an unrelenting stream of questions, I recognized that victorias talkative nature and impa - tience for answers overshadowed her desire to sit down and read. I treasured her energy and insatiable curiosity and fueled it with my own enthusiasm. Yet, for every interest she presented, I took her to scan the library shelves in search of a related book. I watched her eyes grow with excitement as I tirelessly helped her press through the stories, a journey in search of her answers. Some of the books I chose were dif - ficult for her, but we read through them together, challenging limits and quenching the thirst for knowledge. In books, I told her time and again, she would find all she wanted to know. Taking her certificate in my hands, I couldnt help but be proud that part of this glittering piece of paper was likely my doing. My thoughts were interrupted by victorias chant. I got best reader! she exclaimed over and over jumping between feet as her arms waved from side to side. Without hesitation, I followed. Holding her certifi - cate up for all to see, I matched my footing with hers as we hopped the length of the room giggling. Whether it is victory celebrations or talking in different voices, whenever I am with these kids, I find myself being pulled into their childhood worlda world of simplicity , of undying curiosity , and of pure innocence. It is a world in which if everything is not perfect, it definitely can be. And with a simple prayer to god or kiss on the boo-boo it will be. Though I go in each week to be these kids teacher, I come out, having been their student. They have introduced me to a side of me I never realized existed. As I enter college, it is not only my intelligence or my accumulated knowledge, but also the kid in me who will bring success. This child will jump to try every new activity with an enthusiasm that cannot fade. She will ask questions of everything she sees, of everything she hears and of everything she reads. She will dream big and for every step she stumbles upon towards that dream, she will get right back up and step again, this time, a little more carefully . And she will do all this, approach every life hurdle or triumph with a smile- a big contagious smile.
| The unconventional first sentence of this essay grabs the readers attention and creates a double-take effect with its absurd and comical juxtaposition of giant bear, pink duck, and boiling stew. We turned the page, the even shorter paragraph that follows, reveals the context of the first sentencea childrens book. Such child - like and active language makes us feel that we are in the room, read - ing over Manika and Monicas shoulders. These sentences create a sense of whimsy and wonder that help us see the reading room from the perspective of a child. Manika next contrasts childhood curiosity with a young adults per - spective on life. Observing Matthew and Monica, she reflects, It was one of those moments of my hours spent reading with children at the library when it dawned just how much, as a grown up, I was missing. This single sentence feels a little choppy, even after the first two short paragraphs. While using short sentences to indicate a change in mood or pace is often an effective writing tool, it is best to use it sparingly. Manika draws upon this style several times, including the single-sen - tence paragraph that begins taking her certificate in my hands that is set off by yet another new paragraph with the note, my thoughts were interrupted by Victorias chant. In some ways, the short sentence structure has limited Manikas avenue for sharing details. For example, Manika writes about all she is missing out on as a grown up. She might have used more complex sentences at this point to elaborate on her feelings and to give us a better sense of what the significance of that moment meant to her. Manika does an excellent job of explaining her volunteer work in this essay. She manages to include other peoples perceptions of her through her supervisors knowledge that she had a patient disposition and friendly way with children. She also includes her person reac - tion: I had nodded vigorously, smiling, not only because I was proud of the confidence they had in me, but because nothing would make me happier than taking on the challenge of helping Victoria improve her reading. These sentences demonstrate Manikas enthusiasm and dedication to helping Victoria learn. The charming scene of dancing with Victoria and her best reader certificate not only sweetly cel - ebrates her only accomplishments as a tutor, but also provides the reader with a glimpse of Manikas unselfishness in acknowledging her students hard work. Manikas essay demonstrates an ability to empa - thize with younger children and even learn from their words of simplic - ity and undying curiosity. This essay is successful because Manika describes a volunteer activity in a way that suffuses it with spirit and energy, so that we not only learn about her volunteer job but also about her ebullient personality. |
Box of Chocolates The Wharton School, University of Pennsylvania EVErY SUNdAY morNING, ThE LocAL STA rBUcKS plays host to what my mom likes to call mother-son bonding time. This Sunday is no different. My mom and I sit down with our regular Chai Latte and Caramel Frappuchino, and absorb the aroma of the coffee beans and the gentle rays of the winter sun. So Alex, what are we going to do for dads 50th birthday? When my mom asks a question about upcoming plans, she doesnt expect an answer; she already has something in mind. Many years ago, my mom started a family tradition of making gifts personal: poems, songs, skits. At first I didnt understand why we were wasting so much time when we could just buy a gift card from the local mall. But my outlook changed when I turned twelve. For my birthday , my parents gave me a poster, a product of their many hours on Photoshop. With long hair, sideburns, and a slim suit, I had become the fifth member of the Beatles crossing Abbey road. Every morning when I wake up, this poster opposite my bed is the first thing I see, and I start off the day with a smile. Since then, I have needed little persuasion to start working on the next gift project. Actually , I even look forward to these times, when my parents find their inner children, and the trivial worries of life simply whisk away . My dad, both figuratively and literally , ditches his office suit and proper manners, and dons a red womans wig and high heels to practice a scene. My mom stops scolding my sister and me, and joins us in our ruckus, doing the jitterbug and blowing on a harmonica. These are the moments in my family when there are no children or adults, just four people who give in to their creative urges. How about throwing Dad a party , and making him a movie? my mom asks as I use my straw to fish for any remaining coffee at the bot - tom of the cup. Just think of a movie you like and well parody it. A big fan of the-life-is-like-a-box-of-chocolates theory , I suggest my favorite movie, Forrest gump. She smiles. OK, but only if you play Forrest. When we come home, my mom takes down a box, heavy with the dust of age, scribbled with messy russian lettering. I peer over her shoulder as she empties onto the living room floor the contents: my dads life story in black and white. Within minutes, I am completely im - mersed in the photographs I have never seen before. As I gape at a pic - ture of a bearded teenager laughing with his friends, I do a double take. Is this the same clean-shaven man who helped me to prove the theorem that all right angles are congruent and always tells me to tuck in my shirt? I shake my head in disbelief as I thumb through some pictures of my dad and his friends with guitars in the forest singing songs around a camp fire. My mom explains that the Soviet government didnt approve of these songs, so the woods became their only refuge. I am now start-ing to understand why my dad, limited in what he could sing or say as a youth, pushes my sister and me to ask probing questions, survey news from all sides of the political spectrum, and watch controversial movies. Looking down at one of the pictures of my dad in the forest, it just hits me: the movie should be called Forest guy . With each picture comes its own story , and collectively , they create a collage of my dads past that I had never known. But even more sur - prises await me as I watch documentaries about russian leaders in the 20th century . To truly parody Forrest gump, some great Communist leaders must be part of Forest guys life, just as Kennedy and nixon were part of Forrest gumps. Coming up with bizarre ideas of how my dad met the Communist leaders is the most entertaining part of our moviemaking. My stomach throbs with laughter as I conceive the impossible notion of my dad bullying gorbachev into destroying the Berlin Wall. Along with russian history , I also discover part of my familys: while discussing the horrors of Stalins reign with my mom, I am shocked to hear that my father was born in exile, and one of his uncles died in Stalins concentration camp for joking about Communists. Its hard to believe that someone can be killed for cracking a joke, when cracking a safe will only get you a few years in jail. Luckily , when I am joking about Lenin and Stalin in my film, my only worry is crowd response. It is the day of the party , and as I look around at the apprehensive crowd, my instincts yell, run, Alex! run! Soon, the lights dim, and my anxiety grows. I am watching the viewers as intensely as they are watching the screen. As each joke is met with uproarious laughter and table slapping, my breaths become calmer and my fingers stop shaking. T wenty-five minutes later, I hear the long awaited ovation. I gaze from table to table at the sea of smiles, but one face catches my attention. It is my dads, showing complete disbelief that something so grandiose could be done about him and for him. All these weeks I had been so focused on the guests reactions that I never thought about my dads. Although he is trying hard to contain himself, I see a tear sneak from the side of his eye. It is the first time I have seen my dad cry . Yes, life is a box of chocolates. Some are delicious, some too bitter for your taste. But the best are like the one I picked that day; they seem like any other chocolate, but when you bite into them, they surprise you with an unexpected flavor.
| In this extraordinarily creative essay, Alex reveals a gift for sto - rytelling that jumps nimbly from seriousness to humor, cavorts from one surprise to another, and weaves in vivid descriptions, evocative metaphors and historical references. Many people might find it hard to imagine an essay that begins in a Starbucks and takes us through Forest Gump and Stalinist atrocities to end with a metaphor about a box of chocolates. However, Alexs ability to tie all these memorable details together coherently makes this essay stand out. Alex opens with an introduction that stimulates our senses: we can smell the fragrant aroma of the coffee beans and feel the gentle rays of the winter sun. Effective descriptions detail not only the visual scene, but also appeal more completely to our other senses. In de - scribing his weekly Sunday bonding time with his mother, Alex gives us a sense of the deep connection he has to his family. As the essay unfolds, more clues reveal glimpses of Alexs dedication and com - mitment to his family. Touching and charming examples make Alexs family come alive for his readers. Instead of the nondescript labels of mother and father, Alex provides tangible and memorable images of these peoplehis father in a red wig and high heels, his mother playing harmonica. These details perfectly illustrate four people who give in to their creative urges. Though these family gatherings and gift projects might not show up on a resume, Alex does a wonderful job of showing us how they are central to his character. Its important to remember that a compelling personal essay may draw upon aspects of your life that might not fall under standard ideas of academic ac - complishments and extracurricular activities. The paragraph in which Alex discovers elements of his dads past in Soviet Russia is a creative way for Alex to show us an aspect of his heritage. This paragraph could easily focus on Alexs dad while leaving out information about Alex himself. However, Alex wisely chooses to discuss his dads relationship to himself: for example, we suspect that Alex is someone who asks probing questions, surveys the news criti - cally, and watches controversial movies. In this paragraph, Alex mas - terfully weaves together elements of his own past and his dads past while illustrating his personal interests and strengths. These seemingly disparate pieces of information are brought together by the story of the gift project, which itself is focused on film. With rich detail, Alex describes the process of watching documen - tary films and creating the Forest Guy film for his father. This section is particularly interesting because Alex not only describes what hap - pened, but also analyzes his own learning and emotional responses. The range and authenticity of these emotional responses is impres - sive (from stomach-throbbing laughter to tears on Alexs dads face), and makes for a varied and lively reading experience. The cultural ref-erence to Forrest Gump is a clever one that helps Alex wrap up his essay with a metaphor from the story. However, it is important to be careful to use commonly known cultural references or explain their context and not to assume that your reader will understand the refer - ence. Jonathan Cross (Chapter 12) demonstrates this nicely when he references John Nash. |
Dear santa Princeton University EVErY YEAr, mY chrISTmAS wISh LIST would read, Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a baby brother . At age nine, I knew Santa had to be real because, one day , my mom announced that she was pregnant. After ten years of being an only child, I could not have anticipated how much my life would change because of a little brother. I received the honor of naming him, and I chose Jason. In retrospect, I should have named my brother Ivan the Terrible. Jason followed me everywhere like an irritating shadow. My grievances to my mom were countless, especially after Jason drew all over my bedroom walls and murdered my pet fish, goldie. My moms typi - cal response was, Well, isnt this what youve always wished for? Jasons mischief reached a new height one morning when I became the victim of a five year old with scissors. I stared into the bathroom mirror and dunked my head under cold water to make sure I was not dreaming. What I saw enraged me! In the middle of the night, Michael had cut off five inches of my long, black hair from one side of my head. I stood in horror, and stormed to the kitchen where I found the rest of my family calmly eating breakfast. I flashed a menacing stare at my brother, who snickered across the table. Youre going to pay for this! I screamed. Furious beyond words, I could not even begin to describe my rage. Instead, I ran back to the bathroom and huddled on the floor. What am I going to do? I was irate and panicked at the same time. As a freshman in high school, I was very sensitive about my appear - ance. I had been hesitant to cut my hair past the tips to take away the split-ends trim, because my hair had been the same length for seven years. I agonized over the situation and concocted my swift counter-at - tack. Instead of chopping off his hair, I found inspiration to appease my anger in the pages of Teen magazine and considered trendy hairstyles. My brother was stunned because I did not retaliate. victory was mine. Because of experiences such as this, I have learned to adapt, to keep my focus, and to solve problems with little or no resources. I approach tough situations with objectivity and determination. Like many other experiences with my brother and at school, I have dealt with difficult situations and turned them into positive opportunities for change. I am flexible with the circumstances given to me, and I strive for the best outcome. Despite the craziness Santas gift brings, Jasons continuous surprises provide laughter to my life. As for my hair, I did cut off the five inches from the other side, and I actually cherished the new look better. Thanks, Santa.
| The authors wit shines through in this punchy, concise essay. In fact, her humor is immediately evident in the first paragraph when shining expectations for a long-wished-for baby brother are thwarted by the blunt sentence, In retrospect, I should have named my brother Ivan the Terrible. She uses italics and exclamation points effectively in her writing to punctuate key words and to express her mood. For instance, from the statement Jason followed me everywhere like an irritating shadow, the exaggeration of everywhere heightens our un - derstanding of the intensity of her irritation. The exclamation point at the end of What I saw enraged me! underscores the authors anger. Excessive use of word-stylization and punctuation can be distracting in an essay, but thoughtful use can enhance writing. In her case, these were particularly appropriate because her essay conveyed a more ca - sual, informal tone. Stylistically, the author also varies her sentence length to excellent dramatic effect. In particular, the contrast between longer descriptions of what was going on and short remarks such as Y oure going to pay for this, the thought of What am I going to do?, and the proud conclusion, Victory was mine draw us into the immediacy of the story. She chose to illustrate one very specific event from her many grievances (from bedroom wall vandalism to goldfish murder)her brother cutting off her hair. This specific anecdote demonstrates how it is possible to write an essay that doesnt describe a transformation of years or even a weeklong summer camp. Though the event the author describes in this essay probably transpired in a matter of hours, she still made this a meaningful topic for her paper. This shows us that theres really no best timeframe or topic for writing a personal essay. The authors essay takes a specific topic of a very short timeframe, relates it to a longer timeframe (we know she has had long hair for seven years and is sensitive about her appearance as many high school freshmen are) and shows more generalized, almost timeless if you will, aspects of her overall character. We can contrast this to Jason Y . Shahs approach in Hurricane Transformations (Chapter 15), in which he tells a story of change that occurs over many months. The writing styles are different; yet, both essays effectively show us positive traits in the authors characters. The strength of this authors essay is that she conveys a specific event with a lively narrative pace and snappy dialogue then ultimately creates a broader conclusion that helps us understand how this spe - cific incident illustrates that she has learned to adapt, to keep [her] focus, and to solve problems with little or no resources. Though the overall tone of her essay may seem to focus on annoyance and an - ger at her brother, ultimately she demonstrates her resilience and her capacity for forgiveness in noting, despite the craziness Santas gift brings, Jasons continuous surprises provide laughter to my life. Her comment that she preferred her new hairstyle further demonstrates how she turns difficult situations into advantageous opportunities. Thanks, Santa is a catchy way to end the essay. It can be tempting to end with a long summary sentence, but she shows how even two words can make for a memorable and satisfying ending. |
lessons from the immigration spectrum MIT mY FAmILY hAS TAKEN LIVING IN the big city as a reason for why we should never give up. Here in Los Angeles there are countless individuals and families along all points on the immigration spectrum from recent arrivals to recent citizenship. residing in this great city has provided me with diversity , opportunity , acceptance, and an abundance of role models to follow through all troubles- big and small. I always thought that I had it the worst out of all my family mem - bers because I was never allowed to get anything lower than what my brother or a cousin had gotten in a class. My parents figured if they could do it, so could I, and if not on my own then with a little of their help. It was not until recently that I realized the truth in this. In my short life I have seen my father go from speaking no English, to excel - ling in it. I have heard countless stories about migrant farmers such as Cesar Chavez and my grandfather who had nearly nothing, yet per - sisted and succeeded. growing up hearing these stories of great injustices and misfortunes has truly influenced my long term goals. I am going to go far because there is no excuse for not doing my best, given all I have been blessed with. When I had trouble speaking Spanish and felt like abandoning my native tongue I remembered my mother and how when she came to the United States she was forced to wash her mouth out with soap and endure beatings with a ruler by the nuns at her school for speak - ing it. When I couldnt figure out tangents, sines, and cosines I thought about my father and how it took him nearly a year to learn long divi - sion because he was forced to teach it to himself after dropping out and starting to work in the 4th grade. And when I wanted to quit swimming because I was tired I remembered my grandfather and how no mat - ter how his muscles ached if he stopped digging, or picking fruit, or plowing he risked not having enough food to feed his family . Pursuing technical fields such as math and engineering first seemed like work for men to me, but the times have changed. All these people, just from my family have been strong role models for me. I feel that being labeled underprivileged does not mean that I am limited in what I can do. There is no reason for me to fail or give up, and like my parents and grandparents have done, Ive been able to pull through a great deal. My environment has made me determined, hard working, and high aiming. I would not like it any other way . This is how my Hispanic heritage, family upbringing, and role models have influenced my academic and personal long term goals.
| This essay, like All Worth It, (Chapter 7), describes the lessons the author has learned from growing up in an underprivileged com - munity of immigrants in LA. The author of All Worth It learned from growing up in Brooklyn to just do it, never accepting failure as an op - tion. This essay similarly shows how the author came to believe that we should never give up. Both essays are compelling because they provide specific examples from their personal lives to give us a sense of the unique circumstances in which they grew up. However, the au-thor of this essay focuses on the positive elements of her environ - ment: diversity, opportunity, acceptance, and an abundance of role models. Reading these two essays in conjunction shows that there is no rule for how to write about coming from a disadvantaged back - ground. While All Worth It notes more of the negative aspects of the neighborhood and Lessons from the Immigration Spectrum focuses on positive lessons, both authors are able to give us a strong sense of their perseverance and strength. The author of Lessons from the Immigration Spectrum cites success stories that are specific to her heritage as a Hispanic immigrant. For example, she describes her father who went from speaking no English, to excelling in it and places the story of her grandfathers migrant farm work in a broader historical context by referencing Cesar Chavez. Historical references can be a powerful way to frame ones personal story or family history within a broader ethnic, religious/spiritual, or social community. This author shares specific examples that provide evidence of her drive to succeed. She states, . . . there is no excuse for not doing my best, given all I have been blessed with. Her essay shows that she has come to recognize that her circumstances are relatively fortunate compared to the hardships her parents faced. The power of these experiences lies in the stark contrasts they present. We find that the author felt like abandoning [her] native tongue while her mother was physically punished for speaking Spanish. Learning about her fathers year-long struggle to learn long division helps put her confusion about tangents, sines and cosines into perspective. The contrast between cosines and long division highlights the difference in education lev - els between the author, who is on track to complete high school, and her father, who did not complete fourth grade. The third example the author provides is a narrative telling about her decision to continue swimming when she is reminded of the hard labor that her grandfather endured. These three examples give us a strong understanding of the lessons the author has learned from growing up with the immigration spectrum across multiple generations. |
Heritage Yale University hErITAGE IS ThE FIrST word IN my family dictionary , a noun and adverb, for who we are and how we live. My parents taught me that my heritage defines my identity . Through honorific speech towards my elders and adherence to traditional values, I accepted Korean customs as part of the duality that defines my life in America. Yet, a turbulent disunity stormed under that surface of peaceful co - existence. Though I outwardly represented the model Korean-American son, I loathed fitting this stereotypical mold. My shell was so well-con - structed, however, that others mistook me for a successful immigrant. I felt as if I were ripped from the very fabric of my American birthplace, and plunged into a vacuum between my ancestral home and the world I lived in. I felt that my heritage was a short anchor against the relent - lessly rising tide: I had to break freeor go under. While struggling with this chain, however, I came to appreciate what my heritage offered. As a martial arts instructor, I supported students in building discipline and character. As a bilingual tutor, I helped immi - grant children adapt to life in America. Soon, I realized that my heritage was an instrument for harmonizing personal development with service to others. When I was selected to serve in the HOBY World Leadership Congress, my familys financial circumstances did not cover the $1,350 required fee. By infusing my American entrepreneurial energy with Asian medicine, I covered the cost by selling herbal products at my martial arts studio. Though the novelty of my venture brought me to the verge of bankruptcy , I persisted. By researching products, competitors and clientele, I streamlined my inventory to best serve my customers. Eventually , I created a business aimed at offering others a healthy lifestyle. Sweaty students gulped green tea and chocolate-flavored snacks, dropping dollars for the cause that lay within my cardboard cashbox. Supported by outside donations, I became greater L.A.s am-bassador in Washington D.C. Infused with new inspiration, I returned with a project grant to spread the martial arts lifestyle of discipline, confidence, and respect. As my heritage anchored itself to the bedrock of my battles, I in - tegrated Korean tradition with my American identity . Fusing service with civic duty , I entered the L.A. County Sheriffs Explorer Academy . Through the grueling training, I learned to work as part of a team. Appointed as Drill Instructor a year later, I took command of training the older recruits. Through a relationship of mutual respect, I prepared my platoon to dutifully serve the community . Leading this racially mixed group, I empathized beyond the duality of my own identity . I soon discovered that my heritage must transcend my personal struggles to truly embrace diversity . Heritage is not a mere ethnic labelit is the honor and humanity that I am inspired to uphold. Today , I am grateful to my parents for endowing me with a spirit of dedication and determination. They be - stowed a philosophy that speaks through my actions. This inheritance forms the base of my integrity as an individual, and defines my dedica - tion to strengthening the society that I live in.
| What makes the writers essay interesting is that he writes about the conflict between his ethnic heritage and his American life. We immediately sense that it is not an easy amalgamation between his Korean and American identities. It might have enhanced his introduc - tion to have provided a specific example of how these two identities clashed. However, his description of this conflict is very powerful and visual, and as the reader, we can tell detect the authenticity of his internal struggle. He writes, I felt that my heritage was a short anchor against the relentlessly rising tide: I had to break freeor go under. The writer aptly shows the connection between his achievements and his appreciation for his heritage. When he describes his efforts to raise funds to attend the HOBY World Leadership Congress, he demonstrates ingenuity as a creative entrepreneur. The admissions officers must have admired his self-initiated fundraising efforts and his development of a new market. His experience shows his innova-tion, persistence and ability to adapt his product line to his customers needs. In his example of the L.A. County Sheriffs Explorer Academy, he again addresses his heritage when leading an ethnically diverse group of students. While you may write an essay about a project that you worked on as a team or an experience that you had as a team member, its always helpful to highlight your individual contribution. In the writers case, he reveals his full responsibility for selling the Asian medicine and explains his role as a leader of his platoon. Y ou may not be the sole leader of the group, but writing about your personal input makes a more powerful statement than presenting the contributions of the group as a whole. Throughout his essay, the writer makes connections that are not obvious. At first glance, there doesnt seem to be much that ties to - gether attending a student leadership conference or volunteering with the sheriffs department and ethnic identity. But the writer is able to form links among these topics that result in a single cohesive essay. His writing is engaging because, as readers, we can tell that he tru - ly cares about his topic matter and he shares specific examples of what he has accomplished. But perhaps most importantly, he takes us inside his mind so that at least for a brief time we understand his thoughts, emotions, and reasoning. This is something that admissions officers always desireto learn something new about the applicant and to understand his or her way of thinking. |
Abuelo University of Chicago ThE TITLE oF ThIS pIcTUrE IS Abuelo which means grandfather in Spanish. At first glance, it seems just a waste of a snapshot. Perhaps just another struggling photographer trying to pay the rent or who sim - ply had one more shot left in a roll of film and took a random picture. It is an 8" by 11" color photograph of a mans neck, more specifically the back of his neck. It is quite wrinkled and brown and white hair has invaded the scalp. At first I questioned why the photographer did not simply take a picture of his grandfathers face. A face would allow view - ers to see what the grandfather looks like and tell some kind of story , certainly more than what the back of his neck could possibly tell. What I came to realize is that this is no random shot. What this picture wants is for me to imagine and to create a story . It does not neces - sarily wish to be framed but the picture does not want to be overlooked or neglected. It wants to be given a chance to prove itself as equally worthy as any other photograph. I do not need the face of the Abuelo to imagine the story of his life or personality . The back of his neck is just as important as his face. After spending some time with this Abuelo I learned that the back of his neck is not just brown, it is tanned. not just a natural tan, that some people are born with, but a particular shade of tan that can only be attained after continuous exposure to the sun. Perhaps this man does a lot of work outside. The distinguished wrinkles are more than just lines. In between them there seems to be some kind of dust. I rec - ognize this dust because it is the kind of dust my father gets when he is working with joint compound. After examining a little more closely I noticed the multiple scars on his scalp which prevent his hair from growing. The tiny hole in his earlobe reminds me that he was young once and had, like many young teenage boys, pierced his ear. Around his neck I can see a glimpse of a brown necklace. This necklace is very familiar to me because I own one. It is a very thin string with a small rectangular cloth at both ends. Many Catholics believe that it is something sacred. In this case this picture is not measured by the thousands of words it is worth, but it is measured by what I took from it. It should not be criticized by what it does not have but should be valued for what it does have. I have found something in common with this photograph. All along what this picture wanted from me was to find something fa - miliar. That familiarity sets this particular picture apart from all other photographs I have encountered and what has kept it vividly visible after having come across it years ago. This is exactly what this photo - graph longed for: to be found familiar and remembered.
| Angelica takes an unconventional essay prompt, Describe a picture and explore what it wants, and writes a short and creative essay that not only answers the prompt in an unexpected way but also dem - onstrates Angelicas dedication to learning more about her history. The essay opens with the surprising sentence, At first glance, it seems just a waste of a snapshot. The reader immediately wonders, why write about this photo then ? Angelica goes on to show an aptitude for vivid description, which she uses to illustrate the picture for those of us who arent able to see it. We are also drawn into the mystery in won - dering what meaning a photo of the back of someones neck, wrinkled with brown and white hair, could possibly have. Angelica states her answer to the essay prompt directly: What this picture wants is for me to imagine and to create a story. She goes on to explain why this process of imagining and creating a story is impor - tant: the photo will have a chance to prove itself as equally worthy as any other photograph. Angelica goes on to breathe life into this mys - terious photo through a combination of sleuthing and guesswork. The amount of information she is about to extract from small details like the color of Abuelos skin demonstrates Angelicas impressive imaginative capacity and thoughtful analysis. Even as fine a detail as dust in the wrinkles of the skin does not escape Angelica. She relates this dust to familiar (and familial) knowledge: . . . it is the kind of dust my father gets when he is working with joint compound. Angelica might have clarified joint compound for those who are unfamiliar with the term. Still, her descriptions are intriguing. Angelicas eye for detail leads her to notice a hole in the earlobe from a former ear piercing, and part of a necklace. By linking these details to her fathers life as a compound worker and also to her Catholic faith, we learn about Angelicas beliefs and her family life, as well as about her heritage. Angelica summarizes the point of her essay nicely in her concluding paragraph, when she returns to the original question and answers it in a slightly different way: All along what this picture wanted from me was to find something familiar . . . to be found familiar and remembered. Angelicas ability to form connections with the photograph are reminiscent of her ability to turn an unfamiliar new place into a home for learning and to transform unfamiliar faces into influential friends, things that she described in her other essay (Chapter 7), which chronicled her multiple school transfers. |
Anything Goes Duke University I hAVE ALw AYS BEEN comForTABLE wITh Tae Kwon Do, music, art, and friends. However, as a horse in Chinese astrology , I also need to explore different pursuits, and step outside of my comfort zone. This summer, I ventured beyond the pasture of my comfort zone, and par - ticipated onstage in the high school summer musical for the first time. The biggest challenge of taking this leap was overcoming my own mental barrierthe sign that read, Jean, you have never had a dance lesson; you have no idea how to sing or act. Out of fear that I would feel uncomfortable, I believed that playing violin in the pit orchestra was my calling. However, after three years of pit orchestra experience, I longed to shine in that coveted spotlight. I did not tell my friends about how I wondered what it would feel like to act onstage in front of eight hundred people. When I saw that the title of the musical for this past summer was Anything goes, I knew that no one would think worse of me for following my aspirations. Confident that my friends would encourage me, I let go of my cautious Chinese approach to life, and let the free-spirited horse within me escape. Despite my decision to participate in the musical, I was terrified. I wondered whether I would meet any friends and if I would be able to learn to sing and dance well. My fears were intensified because I missed the first week of rehearsals while at a leadership conference in new York City . When I attended my first rehearsal, arriving directly from new York City , my fortitude kept me steady . With confidence and new York City memories in my heart, I joined the rest of the cast and reveled in the excitement. I followed my new friends with a passion for an art form that I hardly knew, but willingly embraced. From that moment on, I was a horse freely cantering around an open meadow. I had discovered a new point of view, and the grass was greener than it had ever seemed. Some days, I came home with new dance steps to show my parents. On other days, I drew the designs of my costumes when my descriptions at the dinner table would not suf - fice. The make-up artist tried three times to find the right blush, while the hair team created a different style for me each night. Having to think up a new hairstyle each time was parallel to my shifting opinion of my life and self. Although participating in the musical was initially petrifying, I discovered that taking such a risk was the optimal way to grow and change. now, I will not shy away from being in a musical cast because my comfort zone is expanding. Soon it will encompass the grand scope of my interests: from singing and dancing to throwing a sales pitch in front of judges; from learning how to execute precision front-flips to building my favorite piano repertoire; from designing a webpage to arranging chamber music, or developing optics technologies. Such passions will continue to define who I am and what I hope to achieve. My character is being shaped and reshaped by my learning experiences because I am an impressionable human being. As I continue to explore, I know that my interests will solidify into a cohesive whole. Until then, I seek to enrich myself with new opportunities and never look back.
| Besides being the name of the musical in which she participated, the title of Jeans essay, Anything Goes, also captures the free-spirited horse within her that ventured beyond the pasture of [her] com - fort zone, and participated onstage in the high school musical for the first time. The horse metaphor not only captures Jeans adventurous spirit, but also ties to her Chinese heritage, as seen in her reference to the horse in Chinese astrology. Like Angelicas references to her heri - tage in No Longer Invisible (Chapter 7), Jeans mention of her zodiac sign is a creative and subtle way to introduce her culture to readers without her ethnicity becoming the core focus of the paper. Jean al - ludes to her heritage again at the end of the second paragraph, when she decides to let go of [her] cautious Chinese approach to life. Some readers might take offense to this cultural stereotype; when writing about culture, it is important to be mindful of distinguishing between personal beliefs and stereotypes. Jeans second paragraph gives us an excellent sense of her in - ternal debates over whether or not she should take a risk and play in the pit as she swings between fear and confidence. Many successful essays not only relate events but also ones feelings and thoughts re - garding the activity. Jean notes that she was terrified before the musi - cal but shows her open-minded spirit when she willingly embraced the new art form. She refers back to the mentions of horse and free - dom when she writes, I was a horse freely cantering around an open meadow. The specific examples that follow demonstrate the diversity of new activities to which Jean is introduced and the eagerness with which she embraces each one. Jean does a wonderful job of explain - ing the horse-in-meadow simile with concrete, real-life examples such as these: showing her parents dance steps, drawing costume designs, and experimenting with new hairstyles. In her concluding paragraph, Jean ties together the many examples she used in her essay to show us how her comfort zone is expanding. She illustrates some of the contours of this comfort zone, which she calls the grand scope of her interests: from singing and dancing to throwing a sales pitch in front of judges; from learning how to execute precision front-flips to building my favorite piano repertoire; from designing a webpage to arranging chamber music, or developing optics technologies. Illustrations like these can sometimes feel like long lists. Jean might have chosen to list fewer activities so that what she did choose to include could stand out more. The first line, which contrasts singing and dancing with throwing a sales pitch, is most di - rectly relevant to the essay since singing and dancing were new ex - periences from the musical and throwing a sales pitch may have been part of the leadership conference in New Y ork City that she mentioned briefly. In general, it is most compelling to use examples that are di - rectly relevant to the essay to maintain a sense of focus. Bringing in too many outside referencesfor instance, Jeans comment on de - veloping optics technologiescan seem incongruous and confuse readers. Overall, however, Jeans essay does a nice job of showing the breadth of her interests as well as the depth of energy she is willing to pour into creative pursuits such as the Anything Goes musical. |
strength from Family struggles University of Chicago EVErY FAmILY hAS ThEIr STorY, ALL with aspects that brings them together or drive them apart. I come from a Mexican family , where fam - ily is the only thing we know. We share each others pain and misery and we rejoice for our miracles. We learn and grow through each other. Even through the darkest days we survive as one. I witnessed those dark days, but I also saw the bright and through it all I evolved into who I am today . I encountered one of my biggest obstructions when I was a child. I was born into a family that had immigrated to America from Mexico. Although my parents had been in the country for quite some time, they never adapted to the American lifestyle. All I knew was Spanish and my first year of school would soon come. I would sit at the end of my driveway and listen to the variety of sounds that slowly crept into my ear, triggered a reaction and sent confusion running through my mind. Day after day , I would sit there trying to decode this puzzle word by word and the day came when Id be shipped off to school where I was expected to know English. Kindergarten was one of the hardest years in my life. I struggled tremendously . I was the last one to know my ad - dress, I was the last one to know my phone number, and I was the one who almost failed his first year of school. If it wasnt for my father not allowing the school to hold me back, I could have become a completely different person. I struggled throughout my years in elementary school. I went to resource and received help with my schoolwork until fourth grade. I was given a big push forward and since then I have come to realize that I may not be the only one in need. Others will need help and I will be there with a helping hand. Through the years, my family has undergone a variety of obstacles. I saw my brother completely stumble and fall when he impregnated his girlfriend at the age of sixteen. At the blink of an eye he became a father to be and a husband. Everything came to a halt and he needed to support another person. He worked during the night and finished high school during the day . He struggled even while living at home. As if one example in my house wasnt enough, my sister was expecting a child during her senior year. I remember the day when she told my parents, I was in the room next door crying in pain because she fell into the same trap my brother did. That was the end for her. She graduated from high school and began to work. now she has two daughters and is trying to make a living. It is hard to see the people you love make mistakes. It is so hard, that it brings tears to my eyes, to know that you wish you could say everything will be ok. They are stuck in a rut and I am put - ting my best foot forward to give myself the future they dont have. When my mother was a child she had suffered a great amount. She had become deaf in her teenage years. She lost complete ability to hear in her right ear and partially in the left and to add to all the confusion she was bound by a language. She was living in America with 4 of 5 senses and a tongue that many could not speak. Many would see this as a huge dent in her life, but she managed to start a family . I could not be any more proud of her and thankful for what she has given me. Her disability placed a tremendous amount of pressure on my shoulders. She was not able to go to the deli or to place phone calls when she needed to. All of a sudden, all of this had become my responsibility . My father was too busy breaking his back in order to support our family . My mothers personal translator, doesnt sound too shabby? Standing in the middle of the store, making hand jesters, mouthing out words, or even yelling, does attract attention. In those moments I would feel a surge of heat rush from head to toe, goose bumps in every possible crevice of my body , and to top it all off Id be seven shades darker than a ripe tomato. Shame and embarrassment, how could I feel this way? All this had become routine and the pain and embarrassment finally start - ed to subside, a whole new feeling started to emerge, pride. My mother made me strong. She allowed me to become the man I am today . And after all the pain there are still countless nights that I lie in bed, crying due to the burden that was placed on her and the tremendous lesson I learned. Every sound, every beat, every photon, every little everything has been absorbed into me one way or another, yet these experiences, although insignificant to others, mean to world to me. All these events run through my veins and pump through my heart. I am the passion that is rarely seen. I am the walking story of struggle.
| This students essay conveys his devotion to his family as well as his independence from it. He shares honestly about the story of his parents and siblings so that as readers we can catch a glimpse of the pain and misery and the miracles that he has experienced. This student recounts many adversities, beginning with his memories of be - ing a kindergartener who did not know English. He notes, I struggled throughout my years in elementary school. I went to resource and re - ceived help with my schoolwork until fourth grade. Here, the essay would be clearer had he described what resource was and related specific ways in which it gave him that big push forward. It is impor - tant to remember to describe in greater detail those events that repre - sent pivotal life experiences. For him, the support and direction that he received seemed to have inspired him to understand that others would also need help, something that he felt he could provide. At the end of this first long paragraph, we are curious to learn about how this student was able to manifest this desire to help oth - ers. However, he returns to the story of his family and tells about the mistakes of his siblings. While the content of this paragraph is cer - tainly compelling, the writer must consider both content and structure when designing the flow of an essay. Any content is enhanced by a supportive structure with a logical progression and clear organization. At the end of the second paragraph, he writes, I am putting my best foot forward to give myself the future [my siblings] dont have. This sentence is enlightening and assists us in understanding the purpose of his prolonged descriptions about his familys suffering. Despite this difficult environment, he maintained his motivation and worked hard to complete his education, believing he must do so to avoid becoming stuck in a rut. In the final paragraph of this essay, this student writes about his mothers struggles as a deaf immigrant in America. Recounting his role as his mothers personal translator, he describes his feelings and thoughts, demonstrating a capacity for astutely recognizing his own emotions. He describes turning the shade of tomato with shame and embarrassment, followed by the emergence of pride. His descriptions about emotions are particularly powerful because he illustrates how they feel in the body. Strong emotions typically elicit a profound bodily reaction, and he captures this beautifully in the scenes at the store where he translated for his mother. The focus on the body makes his final statement, I am the walking story of struggle, all the more ap - ropos because we see how all these events run through [his] veins and pump through [his] heart. This students writing shows us that essay reviewers do not require a perfect grasp of EnglishEnglish is obviously his second language. What makes this students essay com-pelling is his ability to illustrate both vulnerability and strength in con - fronting the many challenges he and his family have faced as Mexican immigrants. |
Exit Door Stanford University I coNSIdEr mYSELF To BE mATU rE and focused in my life; I have goals that I strive for and a strong commitment to my education. However, I do have my more humorous moments, just as everyone else. For instance, a few summers ago, my family and I were in Las vegas on vacation. The over-the-top looking-by-night, eyesore-by-day city was lighted everywhere, and masses of people were walking along the Las v egas Strip. One night, we went out to dinner and were walk - ing back to our hotel. When we got to the entrance of the hotel, which had automatic sliding doors, there was a huge line waiting to get in, yet there were many other doors to its side unoccupied. So, naturally , I said aloud, Why dont we just go through those doors, as I pointed towards the unoccupied doors. My family just waited patiently , but I decided to go by myself, so I did, and I walked straight into the EXIT door. I am not sure who was more injured, myself, or my sister who collapsed onto the floor in convulsive laughter. I still have not heard the end of this story , but at least now I can laugh at myself. Many times people get discouraged in their hectic and stress-filled lives, but some - times you just need a dim-witted accident to occur to put everything in perspective.
| In this note to his future roommate, Fareez relates a humorous anecdote to reveal the lighthearted side to his personality. This es - say prompt gives students the unique opportunity to demonstrate how they would relate to peers of their own age group, rather than an older group of admissions officers. Fareez introduces himself as mature and focused with a strong commitment to education, which at first glance appears to be a rather hackneyed and unmemorable set of statements. However, he quickly throws in an expected twist by allud - ing to a humorous moment, thereby piquing our curiosity as he sets up the scene in Las Vegas. His anecdote not only shows us that Fareez can laugh at [him]self, but also lets us see that he is close to his family, and especially his sister. Fareezs narrative is enjoyable to read because he includes details to make the story more vivid, like mentioning his feelings to - wards Las Vegas and describing his sisters convulsive collapse from laughter. Though hardly earth shattering, the blooper that Fareez shares is nonetheless memorablehe walks headlong into an EXIT door in front of a large crowd of peopleand in particular his reaction is noteworthy. At the end of this short essay, Fareez ties the anecdote back to college life when he alludes to hectic and stress-filled times. Fareezs ability to put things in perspective suggests that he will be able to cope with the challenges of college life, and will bring joy and humor to whoever is lucky enough to be his roommate. This essay strikes a nice balance between a casual tone and a deeper analysis. Thus, the topic and style of the essay are reflective of the content, which show us both the silly and serious sides to Fareezs personality. A short essay such as this one is a wonderful opportunity to share a quirky story that makes you stand out in the admissions officers huge stack of essays. |
Crime scene Report Duke University crImE ScENE rEporT crime: Missing PersonLocation: Duke University , 2138 Campus Drive, Box 90586, Durham, north Carolina 27708-0586 Time: October 2, 2008, 11:00 A.M. Investigated by: Admissions Officers of Duke University cASE dEScrIpTIoN: On the morning of October 2, 2008, at precisely 7:00 A.M., a Miss Lauren Sanders began to worry . Her future-self entered the gates of a prestigious university in the fall of 2009 and had not returned home. Miss Sanders filed a missing persons report, hoping someone could help her to locate her future-self in a world of possibilities. The case began with a grueling interrogation of Miss Lauren Sanders, the person who knew most about her future-self. However, the ques - tioning session yielded little information. Miss Sanders could not fully describe herself in the future. Pressured, she stated that she has the ambition to fulfill all of her goals, is both stubborn and industrious, and wants to experience University life. Miss Sanders lacked a photo - graph of her future-self, but remarked that she has brown hair, likes to describe herself as vertically-challenged, and is usually smiling. nOTE: While unable to describe her future-self, Miss Sanders be - lieved that examination of past experiences could possibly assist the ad - missions officers in the case. According to Miss Sanders, her future-self has volunteered in her community and traveled on a global scale. Physical evidence collected during a thorough search of Miss Sanders bedroom included a Dell laptop, a collection of Jane Austin novels, worn textbooks, and an I-pod. Fingerprinting analysis and DnA processing determined that these items belong to both Miss Sanders and her future-self, and that they use these items frequently . Despite biological traces of the future-self found within the home, laboratory analysis concluded that Miss Sanders future-self does not reside within her hometown. With information gathered from the physical search of Miss Sanders home and Miss Sanders interrogation, a database search was conducted to determine possible universities in which Miss Sanders future-self resided. Within minutes, Duke University appeared as a match. With this lead, authorities conducted numerous searches at Duke University in Durham, north Carolina, probing the dorms, library , and classrooms. All searches yielded nothing, yet the possibility of finding Miss Sanders future-self remains strong. Professors and students alike, when questioned about Miss Sanders future-self, strongly believe that many individuals like her come to the University to find their potential paths. Further examination will be needed to complete this investigation, including a thorough inspection of Miss Sanders resume and letters of recommendation. Hopefully , the leads that we have will direct us to the whereabouts of her future-self. nOTE: According to Miss Sanders, the future-self plans to travel on a foreign-exchange student program and hopes to conduct research in one of the many labs available to undergraduates. At present, these areas have not been searched by professionals. On the morning of October 2, 2009, at precisely 7:04 A.M., the admissions officers found Miss Lauren Sanders future-self at Duke University . She had hidden in the incoming student body .
| Laurens Crime Scene Report proves that there is no standard format for a college admissions essay. This essays creative structure completely breaks the mold. Not only is it written in letter format, it also includes quirky NOTES in the body of the letter. While Lauren takes a big risk in deviating from the standard introduction-body paragraphs-conclusion structure, her essay is undeniably memorable. Lauren suc - cessfully pulls off her caperboth in the fictional mystery story she tells, and in her playful writing style. The creativity of the Crime Scene Report probably attests to Laurens personality. We see that she is not afraid to take bold risks in her writing and stand out in a crowd. This unabashed attitude can be seen in her audacious and hilarious ending: She had hidden in the incoming student body. This is a completely unexpected yet confident way to assert her strong belief that she deserves to be admitted to Duke. The clever way that Lauren infuses details about her interests throughout her writing helps add more serious elements to the mischievous format of her essay. For example, under the guise of an interrogation, we learn that she is ambitious, stubborn and industrious and curious about university life. Later on, we find more specific data that is relevant to Laurenthat she hopes to study abroad and conduct research in a lab. Perhaps Lauren could narrow the scope of this research by describing the lab she sees in her future, as this lab might be in biology, psychology, robotics, and endless other possibilities. In addition to sharing her goals, Lauren reveals past experiences that have shaped her life, specifically volunteerism and international travel. This note piques our curiosity about these experiences; ideally, Lauren would discuss these in more detail in another essay. Lauren creatively uses this format to present not just her future goals and past experiences, but also her appearance (we envision a vertically-challenged smiling brunette) and some of the things around her that hint at her interests (her laptop, Jane Austen novels, textbooks, and I-Pod). All these details present Lauren from a number of perspectives. Overall, the specifics provide content to what would otherwise be a fun and humorous, but perhaps not terribly substantial, piece of writ - ing. Lauren may have considered combining the paragraphs that begin With this lead . . . and Further examination . . . Though these two paragraphs help move along the plot of the crime scene, they dont give us substantially more information about Lauren herself. Since space is so precious in college essays, it is important to edit carefully. Eliminating redundancy creates more space to add enriching and edi - fying details that will more fully present the complex person that you are. |
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