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[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. 'I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,' she tells the children. So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, 'What flavor is that?' The whole class answers 'Mmmm, that's cherry.' 'Very good,' the teacher replies. So she gives them all a grape and they reply, 'Mmm, that's grape.' 'Very good,' she says again. Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says 'OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.' Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, 'Spit 'em out everyone, they're idiots!'" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"School\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. \"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!\" \"But why, Mom? I don't want to go.\" \"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.\" \"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!\" \"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.\" \"Give me two reasons why I should go to school.\" \"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him. One day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. \"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,\" he announced. \"Will the laziest man please put his hand up.\" Nine hands went up. \"Why didn't you put your hand up?\" he asked the tenth man. \"Too much trouble,\" came the reply." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little girl goes to visit Santa at the Mall. When it is her turn she sits on his lap and Santa says \"Have you been good?\" Little Girl, \"Yes, Santa, very good.\" Santa, \"What would you like for Christmas?\" Little Girl, \"I want Barbie and G. I. Joe.\" Santa, \"G. I. Joe? Doesn't Barbie come with Ken? Little Girl, \"No, Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken. But she comes with G. I. Joe.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Food Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, \"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs\" \"Odd,\" her companion replies, \"but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.\" Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. \"Two dogs, please,\" says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, \"What part did you get?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: \"Take only ONE……God is watching.\" Further along the line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: \"Take all you want……God is watching the apples.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Little Johnny says \"Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.\" \"Well, you've done the right thing,\" says Mommy \"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. \"Yes,\" said the policeman. \"The detectives want him very badly.\" So Little Johnny asked, \"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.\"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named \"Mighty Storm\"?\"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.\"\"Why is my sister named \"Cornflower\"?\"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.\"\"And why is my other sister called \"Moonchild\"?\"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.\"\"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mom and Dad were taking young Billy for a walk through the park one sunny afternoon when all of a sudden, in the bushes a short distance away, Billy spots two dogs going at it. Billy says, \"Daddy, what are they doing?\" The dad responds after some quick thinking, \"Why son, their making a puppy.\"Later that night Billy was thirsty and got out of bed to get a glass of water. As he walked by his mom and dad's room, he heard a noise and looked in only to find them going at it. Billy shouts, \"Daddy what are you doing?\" The father, quite embarrassed, replies \"Why Billy, we're making a baby.\" \"Quick, turn her over...\" declares Billy, \"...I want a puppy!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room. \"Grampa, Grampa,\" he says excitedly, \"as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!\" \"What?\" said his grandpa. \"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little boy goes to the drugstore for some condoms. He goes up to thepharmacist and asked him, \"Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?\"The pharmacist replied, \"Son, do you know what condoms are used for?\"\"Sure do\" replied the boy, \"They keep you from getting venereal diseases.\"\"Yes, that's true,\" said the pharmacist, \"but do you know what the ribsare for?\"The little boy thought for a moment, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, \"Well, not exactly, but they sure do make the hair on the backs of them goats stand up.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, \"Mom, what's sex?\" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, \"Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer,cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied,\"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?\" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, \"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth.\" The dad replied, \"Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. \"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,\" he said. \"An ambulance just drove by.\" A few moments passed. \"Looks like the Anderson's have company,\" he called out. \"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.\" Mom and dad shot up in bed. \"How do you know that?\" the startled father asked. \"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,\" his son replied." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...\"You all have obsessions,\" he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, \"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.\" He turned to the second Mom, Ann: \"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.\" He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: \"Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.\" At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. \"Come on, Dick, we're leaving.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A five year old boy was living with his mother, as his parents had divorced. One Sunday, she decided to take him to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit. \"That's an elephant\", the mother said.After the child repeated after her, he asked, \"Mommy? What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?\"The mother replied, \"That's his trunk, sweetheart.\"\"No, no\", said the child, \"Behind that!\"\"Oh, that's his tail\", she said.\"No, no!\" the boy exclaimed. \"That thing in the middle!\"The woman was flustered and replied, \"Uhhhh, that's nothing, honey!\" And they moved on.....The next weekend, the boy's father came to pick him up and the child cried, \"Daddy, let's go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!\"The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, \"Elephant!\"\"Very GOOD\", beamed the father. \"I'm proud of you for remembering all these animals!\"The boy asked, \"Daddy? What's that thing hanging down on the elephant?\"The father replied, \"That's his trunk.\"\"No!\", the boy moaned, \"Behind that!\"\"That's his tail\", the father replied. \"No, no! That thing in the middle!\"The father stammered, \"Er...what did your mother say it was?\"\"She said it was nothing!\"\"Well\", the man said, puffing out his chest. \"Your mother's spoiled!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularlyletting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When sheinsisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, \"I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'mvery proud of that fact.\" The teacher says, \"If I show you I can do it better than you, willyou stop?\" Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on thefloor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speckof dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down,farted and when she was done there was not a trace of chalk dustleft on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see herdo it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. \"No wonder you won!\" he exclaimed indignantly, \"you've got a Double-Barrel!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman is in the hospital and just had twins, a boy and a girl. But no one is there with her except her brother. The nurse comes into the room after the delivery and says,\"your brother has taken the liberty to name the children.\" The new mother says,\"Oh no. he probably gave them stupid names.\" The nurse says,\"The girls name is Denise.\" The mother says,\"That's not bad, I like it. And the boys?\" The nurse says,\"The boys name is De-nephew.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This 40 year old guy is driving home from work and he pulls into his driveway, walked up to his apartment, and then sees his girlfriend with her bag packed up. He says, \"Honey, why are you leaving me\"she say, \" cus I hear you're a pedifile!\"He responds, \"Pedifile?... Thats a pretty big word for a 10 year old, don't you think?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Science\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. \"Tell me,\" said he, \"if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?' The inmate said, \"It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.\" \"Marvelous,\" said the head of the institution. \"Or else,\" ruminated the inmate. \"I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.\" \"Absolutely,\" said the head. \"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.\" \"An interesting possibility,\" said the head. \"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.quot;" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is. \"This temple is 1503 years old\", replies the guide. Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. \"Easy\", replies the guide, \"the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults arehiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy toblackmail them by saying, \"I know the whole truth.\"Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, \"I know the whole truth.\" His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, \"Just don't tell your father.\"Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, andgreets him with, \"I know the whole truth.\" The father promptly hands him $40 and says, \"Please don't say a word to your mother.\"Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he seesthe mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, \"I know the whole truth.\" The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, \"Then come give your daddy a great big hug!\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Mary led off: \"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,\" she said proudly, \"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.\" \"Very good,\" said the teacher. Little Sally was next: \"I sold magazines,\" she said, \"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.\" \"Very good, Sally,\" said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.\"$2,467,\" he said. \"$2,467!\" cried the teacher, \"What in the world were you selling?\" \"Tooth brushes,\" said Little Johnny. \"Tooth brushes,\" echoed the teacher, \"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?\" \"I found the busiest corner in town,\" said Little Johnny, \"I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. Hey, this tastes like dog crap! Then I would say..............\" It is dog crap.\" Wanna buy a toothbrush?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Small boy came home after the school and immediately he goes to his father. Because the teacher was explaining in the class something about Reality and Imagination but to him it was not clear, he asks his father \"can you tell me which the difference between Reality and Imagination is?\" trying to be as objective as he can he reply to his sun: \"go boy to your mom and your sis and tell them that a very handsome young boy asked you about them, that they are beautiful,like, he would love to share some moments alone with them but tell this to each personally and after they reply cam and tell me what they said\". Boy goes at first and after that he has don what his father asked from him, he cams back and tell to father that \"mother, when she heard me what I told her, her eyes start shining and asked me about the boys name and where he lives and is he really so cool etc.\" also the sister did the same, maybe she was more interested in details than mother. Than father told to the sun: Boy, Imagination in this case is that I always thought that I have a faithful wife and a very educated daughter and Reality is that we have two sluts living in same house with us" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A husband and wife decided they needed to use \"code\" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, \"Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter\". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, \"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.\" The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, \"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.\" The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, \"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This little black boy comes down the stairs and sees that his mom is making cookies. He goes up to her and covers himself in flour and says \"Look Momma I'm a white boy.\" His mom slaps him and sends him to his father. \"Look daddy I'm a white boy.\" His dad slaps him and sends him to his grandmother. \"Look gandma I'm a white boy.\" She slaps him and sends him back to his mother. \"Now what did you learn from this?\" \"I'v only been white for a couple a minutes and I already hate you white people!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little boy goes to the local mall to see Santa. When Santa askes the little boy what he wants for Christmas, the little boy replies, \"I don't know\". So Santa starts thinking of things that the little boy might like and spells it out. Each time he says a letter, he pushes the boys nose. B-I-K-E. C-A-T.Etc. Santa runs out of ideas and asks the little boy one more time what he wants for Christmas. The little boy says, \"I want some P-U-S-S-Y, and I know you have some because I can smell it on your fingers." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. \"What are you doing,\" his mother asked? \"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken,\" the boy explained. \"I'm looking for the seal.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An old woman is going up in a lift in a very Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly: 'Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle.' Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and sayssnootily: chanel No 5, £150 a bottle.' A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying: 'broccoli, 25p a pound.'" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.\"If you'll just learn to cook,\" he said, \"we can fire the chef.\"\"Okay,\" she said. \"And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called \"The Knob,\" where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted \"The Knob.\" Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. \"All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: \"First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.\" The doctor looked at her closely and said, \"Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.\" She sighed and said, \"Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee....\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, \"Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?\"The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in theeye, she paused for moment and then confessed. \"Yes, yes he did.\"The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wifewas admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks \"Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?\"Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at firstas she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says \"You\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.'Diane,' he said, 'the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died' 'Don't be ridiculous,' she replied, 'I donםt care where your money came from!'" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red. \"Are you the owner?\" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.\"No\" he replies, \"I''m just the manager.\" \"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.\" She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair. \"I''m afraid I can''t,\" breathes the manager clearly aroused,\" he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?\" \"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message.\" She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. \"Tell him\" she says \"that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, \"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?\" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. \"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?\" The little boy nodded yes. \"So,\" the coach continued, \"when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?\" Again the little boy nodded.\"Good,\" said the coach. \"Now go over there and explain it to your mother.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two old ladies were sitting on rocking chairs in their retirement home. One asked, \"Do you still ever get horny?\" \"Oh, yes!\" was the reply. \"What do you do about it?\" asked the first. \"I suck on a lifesaver.\" was the reply. The first lady sat there for a long while pondering the answer. Finally she couldn't stand it any longer, and asked, \"Who drives you to the beach?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Recently a \"Husband Super Store\" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, \"These men have jobs and love kids.\" The women read the sign and said, \"Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?\" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, \"These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.\" \"Hmmm,\" said the ladies, \"But, I wonder what's further up?\" Third floor This sign read, \"These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.\" \"Wow,\" said the women, \"Very tempting.\" But there was another floor, so further up they went. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying \"These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.\" \"Oh, mercy me,\" they cried, \"Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, \"This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, \"Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?\" The husband just looked at his wife and said, \"What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?  A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, \"Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?\" \"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?\" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. \"Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?\" He just looked at her and said \"What do I look like, Bob Vila?\" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, \"Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?\" She replied nonchalantly, \"Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.\" \"Wow, did he charge us anything?\" asked the husband. \"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him\" she said. \"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?\" asked the husband. \"Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Joe took his blind date to the carnival. \"What would you like to do first, Kim?\" asked Joe.\"I want to get weighed,\" she said.They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.\"I want to get weighed,\" she said.Back to the weight guesser they went.Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.\"I want to get weighed, \"she responded.By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, \"How'd it go?\"Kim responded, \"Oh, Waura, it was wousy." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled with the speed. \"If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?\" he asked. \"Yes\" said the girl.When he got to 150mph, she peeled off her clothes. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road,and soon went off into the woods, crashing the car. She was flung clear of the wreckage, but he was stuckbetween the steering wheel and the seat.\"Go and get help\" he cried\"But I can't, I'm naked and my clothes are gone\" said the girl.\"Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly\"She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter \"Quick help me, my boyfriend's stuck\" The bloke looked at the shoe and said \"There's nothing I can do lady, he's in way too far\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do?SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.SM: It's not workingSL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.Then Sister Logical arrives...SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.SM: And?SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.SM: What did you do?SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no! What happened then?SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........(And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending, Pray for forgiveness you heathens!)" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three old ladies are sitting in the park on a beautiful spring day feeding the pigeons and the squirrels, when suddenly, a man in a long trench coat jumps in front of them and throws open his coat. He's completely naked under his jacket. The three old ladies haven't seen such a thing in a very long time, and their blood pressure shoots up quickly. The first old lady lets out a gasp and has a stroke. The second old lady sees this and it's too much for her ” she gasps and has a stroke, too. The third old lady didn't have a stroke ” she was sitting too far away and couldn't reach." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, \"Vietnam, 1969.\" The other points his thumb behind him and says, \"Dog crap, 20 feet back.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Man \"Haven't we met before?\" Woman \"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.\" Man \"Haven't I seen you someplace before?\" Woman \"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.\" Man \"Is this seat empty?\" Woman \"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.\" Man \"So, wanna go back to my place ?\" Woman \"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?\" Man \"Your place or mine?\" Woman \"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.\" Man \"I'd like to call you. What's your number?\" Woman \"It's in the phone book.\" Man \"But I don't know your name.\" Woman \"That's in the phone book too.\" Man \"So what do you do for a living?\" Woman \"I'm a female impersonator.\" Man \"What sign were you born under?\" Woman \"No Parking.\" Man \"Hey, baby, what's your sign?\" Woman \"Do not Enter\" Man \"How do you like your eggs in the morning?\" Woman \"Unfertilized\" Man \"Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason\" Woman \"Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!\" Man \"I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.\" Woman \"You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?\" Man \"I know how to please a woman.\" Woman \"Then please leave me alone.\" Man \"I want to give myself to you.\" Woman \"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.\" Man \"I can tell that you want me.\" Woman \"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave.\" Man \"If I could see you naked, I'd die happy Woman \"Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.\" Man \"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?\" Woman \"Sorry, I don't date outside my species..\" Man \"Your body is like a temple.\" Woman \"Sorry, there are no services today.\" Man \"I'd go through anything for you.\" Woman \"Good! Let's start with your bank account.\" Man \"I would go to the end of the world for you.\" Woman \"Yes, but would you stay there?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. \"All right\" says the Doc, \"drop 'em and let's have a look.\" Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims \"Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!\".The patient is a bit embarrassed and says \"Look Doc, what about the rash?\"\"Oh that's easy,\" said the Doc, \"Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask.....\"\"No,\" said the patient, \"You can't. Now, is that all Doc?\"\"Well, \" said the Doctor, \" You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!\"The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.\"What?\" she yells, \"Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!\"\"Ah\" he said, \"And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.\"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?\"\"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.\"\"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?\"\"He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died.\"\"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.\"\"He died of a broken neck.\"\"A broken neck?\"\"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman was in the kitchen cooking dinner and she was just singing,humming and giggling all over herself. Her husband asked her why she wasso happy. She said, \"I went to the doctor today and he said I have thebreasts of a twenty year old.\"The husband then asked, \"What did he say about your fifty year old ass?\"\"Your name didn't come up in our conversation.\" She replied." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.After the exam, she shyly began, \"My husband wants me to ask you...\" \"I know, I know,\" the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. \"I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.\" \"No, that's not it,\" Catherine confessed. \"He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A husband and wife went to dinner and celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Afterwards they returned home and went to their patio to relax with a glass of wine and to reflect on their fifty years together.After a while the husband said to his wife: Honey in all the years together, was there ever a time when you were unfaithful to me?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one time early in our marriage. Remember when you had lost your job and the bank was going to foreclose on the house. I made a trip to town, saw the banker and we got the loan extended until you returned to work. The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey, you saved our home; I guess I can 't really hold it against you for being unfaithful that one time. Was there ever another time?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one other time. Remember when you had gotten sick and needed an operation or you would die, but we didn 't have any insurance. I made a trip to town, saw the doctor and you got the operation..The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey, you saved my life; I guess I can 't really hold it against you for being unfaithful that time either. Was there another time?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Well there was just one other time. Remember when you were running for club president and you only needed 58 more votes .." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives.The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, \"What's wrong, Honey?\"\"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean.\" The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, \"There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast.\" So off they went to the bedroom.That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. \"What's wrong now, Sweetie?\" \"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook.\" Again the husband smiles and says, \"Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!\" So off they went to the bedroom again. That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, \"What are you doing, Honey?\" \"Warming up your supper!\" she replies." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.He went to his wife and said, \"I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.\"When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, \"Have you been fooling around on me?\"His wife confessed, \"Not this time.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence runningalong the road.The woman said,\"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago.\"The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.Back in the car, the guy says, \"Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!\"The woman says, \"thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. \"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.\" The first man said, \"You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.\" The agent replies, \"Then you're not the right man for this job.\" The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. \"I tried, but I can't kill my wife.\" The agent replies, \"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.\" Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, \"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.\"What's bothering you, dear?\" asked Farther O'Grady.\"Oh, father, I've got terrible news.\" Replied Mary. \"My husband passed away last night.\"\"Oh, Mary!\" said the good father. \"That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?\"\"Yes...,\" Mary replied sheepishly.\"Well?\"\"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Not long after their wedding, Scott and Tracy awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with Scott, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning.\"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart,\" said Tracy, the newlywed bride, \"breakfast will be ready.\"\"Great! What are we having for breakfast?\" asked Scott.\"Toast and juice,\" replied Tracy." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.The man said \"this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?\"The pharmacist said \"Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.\"When she returned, she said, \"The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $5000 in cash." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest member he had ever seen! \"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,\" said the mortician, \"But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge thing like this. It has to be saved for posterity.\" And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. \"I have something to show you that you won't believe,\" he said, and opened his briefcase. \"Oh my god!\" she screamed, \"Bernie Schwartz is dead!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Top Ten Things Not To Say To A Pregnant Wife:17. \"I finished the Oreo's.\" 16. \"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds.\" 15. \"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby.\" 14. \"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever.\" 13. \"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl.\" 12. \"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.\" 11. \"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.\" 10. \"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!\" 9. \"I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?\" 8. \"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?\" 7. \"Get your *own* ice cream.\" 6. \"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.\" 5. \"Got milk?\" 4. \"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.\" 3. \"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!\" 2. \"Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.\" And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant... 1. \"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, \"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.\" \"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.\" On the way home, the husband asked his wife. \"What did the doctor say?\" \"He said you're going to die,\" she replied." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, \"Reading my book.\" The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, \"But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!\" Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, \"If you do that, I will charge you with rape.\" The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, \"But I didn't even touch you.\" To which the lady replied, \"Yeah, but you have all the equipment!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Women's Bumper-Stickers ----------------------- SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME. GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN...SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO, BUT LIKE...WHO CARES? NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY? SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, \"I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this.\" So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, \"Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away.\" So she does. Now they are both feeling great.A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"The car won't start,\" aid a wife to her husband. \"I think there's water in the carburettor.\"\"How do you know?\" said the husband scornfully. \"You don't even know what the carburettor is.\"\"I'm telling you,\" repeated the wife, \"I'm sure there's water in the carburettor.\"\"We'll see,\" mocked the husband. \"Let me check it out. Where's the car?\"\"In the swimming pool.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, \"This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!\" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.The driver, obviously confused, says to him, \"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?\"\"Ma'am,\" the officer replies, \"You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.\"\"Slower than the speed limit?\" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!\" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that \"22\" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.\"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time.\" the officer asks.\"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless. The guy asked: \"Where did you get that?\" His wife replied: \"I won it at bingo.\" The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked: \"Where did you get that?\" His wife replied: \"I won it at bingo.\" The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked: \"Where did you get that?\" His wife replied: \"I won it at bingo. Please go upstairs and run my bath for me.\" His wife came upstairs to find a very small amount of water in the tub. The wife asked: \"How come you put so little water in the tub?\" The guy replied: \"I didn't want you to wet your bingo card\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.\"What would you like to do next?\" he asked. \"I wanna be weighed,\" she said.So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.\"One-twelve,\" said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.\"I wanna be weighed,\" she said.He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, \"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?\"\"Wousy,\" said the girl." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.\"You aren't so good in bed either!\" he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.\"What took you so long to answer?\"\"I was in bed.\"\"What were you doing in bed this late?\"\"Getting a second opinion.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the woman's appearance. \"Honey, you're just a young thing,\" she remarked, \"but you look like hell. What's up?\"\"I've been double-crossed,\" the miserable bride moaned. \"When he said he'd been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does whenMary Clancey came up to him in tears.\"What's bothering you so, dear?\" inquired Farther O'Grady.\"Oh, father, I've got terrible news.\" Replied Mary.\"Well what is it, Mary?\"\"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.\"\"Oh, Mary\" said the father, \"that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?\"\"Well, yes he did father,\" replied Mary.\"What did he ask, Mary?\"Mary replied, \"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident. Both cars are totaled, but luckily no one was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said,\"Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed. Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.\" The man replied, \"I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! \" The woman continued, \"And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break. It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.\" Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then handed it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man. The man asked, \"Aren't you having any?\" The woman replied, \"No. I think I'll just wait for the police" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. After finishing, they then made off for home. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, \"These girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.\" \"That's nothing, said the other husband, \"Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, \"From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky \"So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?\" Becky replies, \"Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question...\" \"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...\" \"Well, all right, 3 times...\" \"3, hmmm, well when were they?\" \"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan... Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well...\" \"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?\" \"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you... Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well....\" \"Oh my God!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, , you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?\" \"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation.... And you were 47 votes short....\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse just 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her 200 women walking single file. The woman's curiosity got the best of her. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, \"I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?\" The woman replied, \"Well, the first hearse is for my husband.\" \"What happened to him?\" The woman replied, \"My dog attacked and killed him.\" The woman was even more inquisitive, \"Well, who's in the second hearse?\" \"My-mother-in law. She tried to help my husband when the dog turned on her and killed her too.\" A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. \"Could I borrow that dog?\" \"Get in line.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he joins them in the hotel. Since he's been away from his wife for a week, he wants to make love with her. \"No darling, we can't do it here\" she says, \"our kid is watching us.\" \"You're right\" he says, \"let's go to the beach.\" After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman appears. \"Put your clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!\" \"You're right\", said the husband, \"but it was a moment of weakness. We didn't see each other for a week. By the way, I'm a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you were to fine me.\" \"Don't worry, you're a colleague and it's your first time. But this is the third time I caught her making love on this beach in the last week and she'll have to pay for it!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was a man and his wife walking down the road on their way home.The wife saw a baby skunk laying in the grass, so she decided to take it home and take care of it. On the way home they came up to a river. The wife, concered for the skunk, asked her husband what to do with the skunk so he doesn't get wet. The husband replied: \"well, stick him up your dress\". The wife, again concered, asked: \"what about the smell?\".The husband replied: \"awww, he'll get use to it.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler. Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. \"All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule: DON\"T STEP ON THE DUCKS.\"confused, they all ask \"um...what?\"St. Peter says \"if you step on one duck, it quacks. if a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and...well...you'll see.\"With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.a day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. it's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a ver ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping. Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.she gets the same punishment as the first lady.The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her. Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully \"What did I do to deserve this?\"And the man replies with a grimace, \"I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. \"Excuse me, miss,\" said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. \"The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.\" \"What difference does it make?\" Joan asked rather calmly. \"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.\" \"Not exactly,\" said the embarrassed man. \"You're lying on the dining room skylight.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, \"How was the honeymoon?\"\"Oh, mama,\" she replied, \"the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...\" Suddenly she burst out crying. \"But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before!I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!\"\"Sarah, Sarah,\" her mother said, \"calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?\"\"Please don't make me tell you, mama,\" wept the daughter, \"I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!\" \"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!\"Still sobbing, the bride said, \"Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, \"If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?\" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. \"Go get help.\", he pleads. She replies, \"I can't, I'm naked.\" He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says \"Cover your snatch with that and go get help.\" She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, \"HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!\" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, \"I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. With Enron, you would have $16 of the original $1,000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5 left. If you had bought $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the deposit, you would have $214. Clearly, the best investment is to drink heavily and recycle." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. \"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.\" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating Marty asks, \"Son, what happened last night?\" His son says, \"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.\" Confused, Marty asks, \"So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?\" His son replies, \"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you aid, \"Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his crotch. \"He's not my husband,\" she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his crotch. \"He's not my husband either.\" She says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. \"Wait a minute,\" she says. \"He's not even a member of this club.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. \"Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!\" she exclaimed suddenly.When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. \"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.\"Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.\"You're going to kill him!\" they exclaimed.Two months later, her husband died.The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, \"You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?\"The wife stoically replied, \"I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands \"Stop That!\" The waiter looks at her dryly and says \"Sure lady, which way was it headed?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. \"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,\" said the first one.\"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,\" said the other.And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.\"Bring me my biggest sword,\" said Solomon, \"and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.\"\"Sounds good to me,\" said the first woman.But the other woman said, \"Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.\"The wise King did not hesitate a moment. \"The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter,\" he proclaimed.\"But she was willing to hew him in two!\" exclaimed the King's court.\"Indeed,\" said wise King Solomon. \"That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, \"Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce.\" The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph. He then says, \"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are.\" Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. \"I want the house,\" he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph. He says, \"I want the car, too,\" but she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph. \"All right,\" he says, \"I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too.\" The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, \"Isn't there anything you want?\" The wife says, \"No, I've got everything I need.\" \"Oh, really,\" he says, \"so what have you got?\" Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, \" The airbag.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild \"Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-\" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final \"Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!\" and rode off. \"Why was that Indian so excited?\" asked the service station attendant. \"I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off,\" the woman answered. \"Lady,\" the attendant said, \"Indians don't use saddles.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman and her lover are in bed together when the husband comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.\"Don't move! You're a statue!\"The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, \"Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. \"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. \"Kill her!!!\". The man said, \"You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.\" The agent said, \"Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.\" The second man was given the e same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. \"I tried, but I can't kill my wife.\" The agent said, \"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.\" Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. \"This gun is loaded with blanks,\" she said. \"I had to beat him to death with the chair.\" Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, \"What is wrong with you?\"Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.He said, \"This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.\"Adam asked God, \"What will a woman like this cost?\"God replied, \"An arm and a leg.\"Then Adam asked, \"What can I get for a rib?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he has ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. \"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!\" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, \"Have you been fooling around on me?\"The wife just smiled sweetly and said, \"Not this time.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it. God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and asks, \"I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?\" To which God replies, \"To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed, “Honey, don’t do it...” The blonde yelled back, “Shut up! You’re next!”" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A husband and wife were having an argument. Suddenly the husband picked up a bottle lying near him and threw it at his wife. The bottle missed the wife and got into the neighbours' house breaking the window glass. Now both the husband and wife got embarassed and went to apologise to the neighbour. Upon reaching the house, they found out a young man sitting on a couch with a smile on his face. Before the couple could say anything, the man said, \"I am a genie. I was enclosed in that bottle for many years, but you two have set me free, so ask for any three boons you want to and it shall be fulfilled. But against your three boons you will have to fulfill one wish of mine\". The couple were so happy that they didn't think twice and presented their wishes.\"I want millions of dollars in my account\", The husband said. \"Done\", said the genie.\"I want diamond jewelleries in all my vaults\". \"Done\", said the genie.\"I want bunglows all over the world\", said the husband.\"Done\", said the geniee.Now it was the time of the genies wish. \"So\" the genie said, \"I have fulfilled all the three wishes you have said, and its time for my wish. I have not slept with a women for long. I wish to have sex with your wife. The couple got worried, but the husband explained that it was only a genie and it didn't matter much to him. Besides the genie has given them a lot of things. So the wife consented. The geniee and the wife had a lovely night together. Finally in the morning the genie said, \"it was wonderful but how old is your husband?\"\"Why, he is just thirty five\"\"My god \", said the geniee, \"even at thirty five he still believes in geniees\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, \"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.\" To which the wife responds, \"He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. Theturbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing isstruck by lightning.One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the frontof the plane. \"I'm too young to die!\" she wails.Then she yells, \"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes onearth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like awoman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make mefeel like a WOMAN??\"For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of theplane.Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. \"I can make you feellike a woman,\" he says.He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes,he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one buttonat a time.No one moves.The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange manapproaches.He removes his shirt.Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the armholding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: \"Iron this.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.Man: \"What are you doing here today?\"Woman: \"Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it.\"Man: \"Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.\"The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.Man: \"Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?\"Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] \"Unh unh.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.\"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you.\"So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, \"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest.\"\"Don't worry, Sophie\", says the mother, \"All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.\" So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. \"Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!\"\"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you.\"So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. \"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!\" \"Stay here and stir the pasta\", says the mother. \"This is a job for Mama!\"" } ]