conversations
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[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three men go golfing together one day. When they get to the Third hole, one said to the other, \"How did you manage to get here today past your wife?\"The second man said, \"It wasnt easy. I had to promise my wife that I would paint the full house outside. How did you do it?\"\"Well,\" the second man replied, \"I promised my wife that I would remodel the Kitchen and Bathroom.\"Then, a few holes latter, the first two asked the thrid man how he got here today.\"Easy,\" said the third man. \"I put my alarm on last night for five thirty this morning, and when the alarm went off, I rolled over, tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, 'Golf course or Intercourse.' and she replied back, \" You better take a sweater, I think its going to be cold\" PM"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "TOP TEN PLACES/TIMES NOT TO GET A WOODY10. With your wife, visiting her sister.9. Golfing with the guys.8. With your wife, and accidently run into your ex-girlfriend.7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game.6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation.4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.3. In front of your childs 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher, for show and tell.2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you. And the number one time never to get a woody is:1. Your best friend on a guys night out, asks you, \"Hey what do you want to do tonight?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming,\"I can't believe you missed that putt!\" \"That putt was no longer than my 'willy'.\"The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, \"yes dear, but it was much harder!\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This newfie, one time, wanted to marry a Shieks daughter in Egypt. So the Shiek said to the Newfie, \"You have to complete three tasks before you can marry here.\"So the newfie replied, \"That sounds good.\"So then the Shiek said, \"There are three tents. In the first tent, there is a forty ounce bottle of rum, which you have to drink in a half hour.\"The newfie replies, \"piece of cake.\"\"In the second tent,\" the Shiek said, \"there is a saber tooth tiger that needs his tooth pulled.\"The Newfie replies, \"EASY.\"\"And in the third tent,\" the Shiek says, \"there is a women that has never been sexually pleasured before, and you have to pleasure her.\"The Newfie replies, \"Not a problem\"So the Newfie walk in the first tent, and a half hour later, he walks out and says, \"Well, that was easy enough, show me the next tent.\"So the Newife walks into the second tent and then the tent started to shake, and strange noises started to sound. A few minutes later, there was silence. The Newfie walks out of the tent, bleeeding and ripped upo clothes and says, \"NOW, wheres that women who wanted her tooth pulled\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A cowboy finds himself captured by indians. The indians decide they are going to kill him, and the chief tells the cowboy he may have 3 last requests granted to him. The cowboy walks over to his horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse takes off running, and then returns in 10 minutes with a young, busty blond. The cowboy shrugs, and takes the blond into a nearby teepee. He emerges 10 minutes later. The chief then tells him, he has 2 requests left.The cowboy goes over to his horse again and whispers something in his ear. Again, the horse takes off and returns a short time later, this time with a young, busty brunette. The cowboy looks at her, and shrugs, taking her into a nearby teepee and then comes out 10 minutes later. He is reminded he has one request left.He goes back to his horse and whispers in his other ear 'For the last time, I said bring me MY POSSEE!!'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says \"You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him.\"So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. \"Excuse me sir\" he starts, \"but I noticed you look just like me!\" The second man turns around and says \"Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?\"\"I'm from Dublin\" came the reply.\"Me too! What street do you live on?\"\"McCarthy street\"The second man replies, \"Me too! What number is it?\"\"162\" the first man replies.\"Me too! What are your parents names?\"\"Connor and Shannon\"The second man, almost dumbfounded says, \"Mine too! This is unbelievable!\" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks \"What's new today?\"\"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, \"What is the matter with you? You look terrible.\" He replied that he felt great. The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, \"What is the matter with you? You look terrible.\" The man replied thatthere was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, \"What isthe matter with you? You look terrible.\" The man again replied that he felt great.The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad. The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into theexamining room and saw him the doctor said, \"My god, you look terrible.\"The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terriblebut that he felt great. The doctor said, \"Are you sure you feel great?\" The man reiterated thathe definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book andlooked up \"looks terrible\". After he found that he looked up thesubsection \"feels great\". The doctor said, \"I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feelsgreat'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor,\"Tell me, what is it?\" The doctor replied, \"According to my book... you're a vagina!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married.On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of theroom, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.\"What happened?\" she asks.\"I've never been with a woman,\" he says, \"but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his familyincluding his mother-in-law.During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem.George'smother-in-law died.With the death certificate in hand, George went to the AmericanConsulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to theStates for proper burial.The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law toldGeorge that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very,very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for theremains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost$150.00.George thinks for some time and answers, \"I don't care how much itwill cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do,\"The Consul, after hearing this, says \"You must have loved yourmother-in-law very much considering the difference in price.\"\"No, it's not that,\" says George. \"You see, I know of a case manyyears ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the thirdday he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: \"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.\" Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: \"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "3 men were locked up in jail for 100 years for some terrible crime. They could all have one thing each in jail. The first guy wanted beer, the second guy wanted naked woman and the third guy wanted marijuana. 100 years later they checked up on them. The first guy said \"oh gosh no more beer, full, drunk.\" The second guy said \"oh, the woman fight, well im going gay.\" Then the third guy said \"Does anyone have a lighter?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy goes into a pharmacy walks up to the pharmacist and asks him for some condoms. The pharmacist says: \"well they come in packs of 3, 9, and 12\". The kid says: \"well im going to have dinner at her place tonight and after that were going out and i think im gonna get lucky and once she had me she wont be able to get enough, so better make it twelve\". Meanwhile he goes home and gets ready and heads over to her house to have dinner and meet her parents. They sit down ready for dinner and they ask him to say grace. He says it and goes on and on and on... The girl leans over and says: \"you didn't tell me you were such a religious person\", and he leans back and says: \"you didn't tell me your dad was a pharmacist\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was an Englishman,an Irishman and Scotishman siting on the edge of a cliff having a picnic.The Scotishman says \"Oh god i've got ham in my sarndwiches again, if i get ham tomorrow i'll jump off this cliff\".So the Englishman looks in his sandwiches and says \"Oh i've got beef in my sandwiches again,if get beef again i'll jump with ya Scottishman.\"So the Irishman looks in his sandwiches and says \"Oh i've got bloody tuna in my sandwiches again,if i get tuna again i'll join you two guys\".So the next day they all meet at the cliff and check their sandwiches.\"Oh crap,\"says the scottishman,\"i've got ham!\". So he jumps off the cliff.\"Oh bugger,\"says the Englishman,\"i've got beef again!\".So he jumps off the cliff.The Irishman looks in his sandwiches and says\"Bollocks! i've got tuna again!\". So he jumps off too. At the funeral the wifes meet up crying. The English wife says\"I only made him beef because i thought he liked it\".And the Scottish wife says\"Same here only made ham because i thought he liked it\".Then the Irish wife says\"Its not my fault he makes his own sandwiches!\".l"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Tower: \"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7\" Eastern 702: \"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure -- by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.\" Tower: \"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7, did you copy the report from Eastern?\" Continental 635: \"Cleared for takeoff, roger, and yes we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two Buddies were drinking in a bar one night and had became extreamly drunk. One guy was so drunk that he had got sick all over his shirt. He looks at his buddy and says \"My wife is gonna kill me when I get home,this is a brand new shirt! His buddy looks at him and says \"don't worry,just put $20 in your front pocket and tell her that some guy got sick on you and gave you $20 for the cleaning bill. The guy thinks this is a exellent idea and continues to drink. He closes the bar down and heads home. When he arrives and opens the front door his wife is standing there waiting on him. \"just look at you, you drunk bastard! You even got sick all over yourself\". The man replies \"No baby, it isnt like that some guy got sick on me and look here he gave me $20 for the cleaning bill. She pulls the money out of his pocket and counts it and says \"Wait one minute theres $40 here! The guy looks at her and says \" Oh yea, he crapped in my pants too!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. \"Where have you been all night?\" she demands. \"At this new bar,\" he says. \"The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!\" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. \"Is this the Golden Saloon?\" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. \"Yes it is,\" bartender answers. \"Do you have huge golden doors?\" \"Sure do.\" \"Do you have golden floors?\" \"Most certainly do.\" \"What about golden urinals?\" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, \"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A middle aged woman stopped at the local grocery store each day for months, she always bought just one large can of dog food. One day the grocery clerk ask the woman what kind of dog she had. She replied, \"I don't have a dog, my husband eats this for his lunch each day and he likes it.\" The clerk said, \"Madam this is not fit for human consumption, it could make him sick, maybe even kill him.\" The woman purchased the dog food anyway and left. This continued daly for months, then she stopped coming into the store. Several week later she stopped in and bought a loaf of bread, the clerk ask if she wanted any dog food, she replied, \"No, my husband passed away several weeks ago.\" The clerk said, \"I tried to warn you, that dog food could kill your husband. The woman said, \"Oh, the dog food had nothing to do with it, he was chasing one car and was hit by a another.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: \"Our deepest sympathy.\" \tBut she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, \"Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There were 3 friends stranded on an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, \"I wish I was with my family\" and *poof* he was with his family. The second guy said \"I wish I was in a bar with my friends\" and *poof* he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, \"What's wrong?\" \"The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here.\" Poof, his two friends were back on the island."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman went to the hospital to have her baby. When she was adjusted, the doctor came in and said, \"We have a new program where the father feels the pain\". After about half an hour into labor the father said, \"This is cool, I don't feel anything\". The next day they came home from the hospital and found the milkman dead on the doorstep."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A small white guy gets into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: \"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown.\" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the guy, \"What's wrong?\" The small white guy says, \"Excuse me but what did you say?\" The big dude looks down and says \"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.\" The small guy says, \"Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two men were fishing in a pond one day and all of a sudden a funeral recession went by. One of the men stood up, took off his hat and stood there until it went completely by. The other guy said \"You know that was really descent of you to do that\". So the other guy said \"Yeh, its the least I could do, after all I've been married to the woman for 30 years\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Paddy and Mick were standing at a road junction,they spotted a truck carrying aload of rolled up lawn turfPaddy says to Mick \"aye thats what i,m going to do when I win the lottery\"Mick says \"whats that then Paddy?\"Paddy replies \"send my grass away forcutting\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman gets on a bus holding her baby. \"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen,\" says the bus driver. In a huff, the woman slams her fare into the box and takes an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her senses her agitation and asks what's wrong. \"The bus driver insulted me!\" she shouts. The man replies, \"Well, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers!\" You're right,\" says the woman. \"I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!\" \"That's a good idea,\" the man replies. \"Here, let me hold your monkey.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This guy who goes to a pub and asks the bar tender for 10 shots of tequilla. The bar tender says \"no thats too much\". The guy tells the bar tender he just found out his brothers gay, so the bar tender says thats understandable. so he gives the guy 10 shots of tequilla. The next day the same guy goes to the pub again and asks the bar tender for 20 shots of tequilla. The bar tender says \"no way, that's too much\". The guy says, \"i just found out that my son's gay\". So the bar tender says thats understandable\", and gives him 20 shots of tequilla. Now the next day the same guy goes to the bar again and asks the bar tender for 30 shots of tequilla. The bar tender at this stage gets angry and says to the guy, \"what's the matter, does no one in ya house like women\", to which the guy replies, \"yeah my wife\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An avid golfer dies and goes to heaven. He is met by St. Peter who tells him, \"Welcome to Heaven. I know you will be pleased to know that this is the best golf course in the universe!\" The man's eyes turn cloudy. St. Peter says, \"And the weather here is always good.\" A tear begins to form in the man's eye. St. Peter says, \"And there is never any lines of people when you want to golf.\" A tear starts dropping from the man's other eye. St. Peter hurriedly says, \"And your drives go at least 50 yards further up here.\" The man is now sniffling. St. Peter then says, \"And you will never have more than two puts on any of the greens.\" The man is now sobbing uncontrollably. St. Peter asks, \"Hey, what is the matter with you? I thought you would be overjoyed. Why the tears?\" The man answers, \"If my wife hadn't fed me all of that healthy food, I would have been here five years earlier!\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant. \"Don't play with your food,\" one second-grader cited. \"Don't be loud,\" said another, and so on. \"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?\" the priest inquired of one little boy. Without batting an eye, the child replied, \"Order something cheap.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "How Dogs and Men Are the Same1. Both take up too much space on the bed.2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.3. Both mark their territory.4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.7. Neither does any dishes.8. Both fart shamelessly.9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.10. Both like dominance games.11. Both are suspicious of the postman.12. Neither understands what you see in cats.How Dogs Are Better Than Men1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).7. You can train a dog.8. Dogs are easy to buy for.9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).10. Dogs understand what \"no\" means.11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed. \"Wasn't always that way,\" the buddy says. \"It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent.\" So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, \"I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand.\" They go back to the restroom to compare. \"No wonder,\" his buddy says, \"That's my old one!\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent \"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?\" \"About 35\" was the reply. \"I'm actually 47 years old\" the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is \"Oh, you look about 29\" This makes him feel really good. Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies \"I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.\" Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady says \"You are 47 years old.\" Stunned the man says, \"That was brilliant. How did you do that?\" The old lady replies, \"I was behind you in the Fish & Chip shop\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "When the end of the world comes, everybody on earth goes to heaven. God comes and says, \"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.\" With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, \"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?\" And the man replied, \"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Men are like.....Floor tile.Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime. Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Mascara.They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Bike helmets.Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like.....Government bonds.They take so long to mature. Men are like.....Parking spots.The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small. Men are like.....Copiers.You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like.....Lava lamps.Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like.....Bank accounts.Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like.....High heels.They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.Men are like.....Curling irons.They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. Men are like.....Mini skirts.If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. Men are like.....Bananas.The older they get, the less firm they are."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. \"I'm sorry,\" she said, \"Mr. Bradford's on another line.\" \"This is Mr. Ingram's office,\" the caller said. \"We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now.\" \"He's talking to his wife,\" the secretary replied. \"Right now I'd say he's sheepish.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man sent his clothing out to the local laundry. When it came back there were still stains on his underwear. The next week he enclosed a note saying, \"Use more soap on underwear.\" This went on for several weeks, with the underwear returning stained, and the man sending the note, \"Use more soap on underwear.\" Finally the laundry came back with a note from the laundry man: \"Use more paper on rear.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. \"So\" the wife says, \"what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?\" \"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, \"by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. \"Eighty dollars,\" the dentist says. \"That's a ridiculous amount,\" the man says. \"Isn't there a cheaper way?\" \"Well,\" the dentist says, \"if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.\" \"That's still too expensive,\" the man says. \"Okay,\" says the dentist. \"If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20.\" \"Nope,\" moans the man, \"it's still too much.\" \"Hmm,\" says the dentist, scratching his head. \"If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.\" \"Marvelous,\" says the man, \"book my wife for next Tuesday!\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, \"George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?\" George replied, \"God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I'm done.\" \"Wow,\" commented Dr. Smith, \"That's incredible!\" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. \"Thelma,\" he said, \"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?\" George's wife exclaimed, \"That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man was in a terrible accident, and his \"manhood\" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. \"Well, what have the two of you decided?\" asked the doctor. The man answered, \"She'd rather remodel the kitchen.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his forehead and says \"Bartender give me a scotch on the rocks.\" The bartender returns with the drink, and being kind of curious about the pair, asks: \"If you don't mind my asking, how'd you end up with that thing on you?\" Immediately the frog replies, \"I don't know, it started out as a wart on my ass!\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Food Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat as he is carrying the plate. \"Are you crazy?\" yelled the customer, \"you have your hand on my steak!\" \"What,\" answers the waiter, \"you want it to fall on the floor again?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched bya midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guydoesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. \"Wow!\" comments the midget. \"Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!\" Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. \"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,\" says the little fellow, \"but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?\" Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on theman's balls, and says, \"Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!\" ** Shibu **"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There are two guys that are trying to get a quick 18 holes, but there are 2 terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go. The first guy says: \"Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?\"The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy asks what's wrong?He says: \"One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.\"The first guy says: \"That could be a problem. I'll go over.\" He gets about half way there and comes back.The second guy asks what's wrong?The first guy answers: \"Small world!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Food Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman`s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won`t ripen. There`s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she`s getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, \"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?\" Her neighbor replies, \"Well, it may sound absurd but here`s what to do. Tonight there`s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they`ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they`ll all be red, you`ll see.\" Well, what the heck? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. \"So-so,\" she answers. \"The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man was in an airplane, and waiting for the men's room to be free. After Half an hour, he asked a flight attendent if he could use the lady's restroom. The women said yes but told him not to touch to the buttons on the wall. He then went in the cabin. On the wall next to him were for buttons. He couldn't resist and pressed on the first one. Water started spraying from the toilet, cleaning his ass. He was so amazed by that, that he pushed on the second button. Then it was hot air that came out of the toilet, drying his ass. Astonished by that cool technology, he pressed on the third button. Powder popped out, leaving his buttocks soft and smelling good. He finally looked at the last button. The letters A.T.R. were inscribed on it. Without even asking himself what it ment, he pressed on it. Ne next thing he knew, he was in a hospital, surrounded by doctors and nurses. His waist war wrapped in a tissue and there was blood everywhere. He looked at one of the doctors and asked him what happened. The doctor told him that he pressed on the A.T.R. button. The man asked him what it standed for. The doctor ansewred: \"Automatic Tampon Remover.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "4 men went golfing one day. Three headed to the first tee while the other went to the clbhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, \"My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gavea friend a new home for free.\" The second man said, \"My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a brand new mercedes, fully loaded.\" The third man not wanting to be outdone, bragged, \"My son is a stockbroker, and is so successful that he gave a friend an entire portfolio.\" The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking caring of business. The first man mentioned, \"We were just talking about our sons.How is yours doing?\" The fourth man replied, \"Well my son is gay and and dances in a gay bar.\" The others grew silent as he continued, \"I'm not tottally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a stock portfolio anda brand new mercedes.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Men\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, \"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.\" \"Dear,\" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, \"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, \"Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in.\"\"But we's privates,\" protests Jasper.\"We's sergeants now, \"says Leroy, pulling him inside.\"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.\"\"But we's privates,\" says Jasper. \"Are you blind, boy?\" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. \"We's sergeants now.\"So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. \"You're cute,\" she says, \"and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.\"Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, \"Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign.\" So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. \"Jasper,\" he says, \"why did you give me the okay sign?\"\"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates.\" He points to his stripes. \"But we's sergeants now!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy was duck hunting in Alabama when the park ranger walks up,\"Afternoon sir\", the ranger says, \"You got an Alabama duck hunting license\"?\"Yes I do\", the redneck replies.The ranger picks up one of the ducks and sticks a finger up it's bum and takes a lick of his finger then says, \"Sorry but this ducks from Georgia, you got a Georgia license?\"\"Yes I do sir\" , the redneck says,So the ranger picks up another duck with the same results says, \"well this duck is from Mississippi, you got a license from Mississippi?\"\"Yes I do sir\" the good ole boys says.\"Well dang son where you from?\" the ranger says.The old boy stands up turns around, drops his drawers and says:\"Well you tell me buddy!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bob says to Lester, \"You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.\" Lester says, \"So what you gonna do different this year?\" Bob says, \"This year, I'm takin' Marie with me...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, \"Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?\" The young man looks at him and says, \"I pilot!\" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, \"Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!\" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asks, \"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?\" The young man says, \"I chop wood!\" \"Son,\" the general replies, \"we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?\" \"I chop wood!\" \"Young man,\" huffs the general, \"you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!\" \"Well,\" the young man says, \"you hired my brother!\" \"Of course we did,\" says the general, \"he's a pilot!\" The young man rolls his eyes and says, \"Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. \"Hey,\" says the lone hunter, \"I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground.\" After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, \"Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!\" \"Yep,\" the other added, \"but we're gittin' further away from the truck....\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An Irishman in a wheelchair rolls into a bar and asks the waitress for a cup of coffee. He then looks over at the bar and asks the waitress, \"Is that Jesus?\" The waitress says that it is, so the Irishman says, \"Give him a cup of coffee... I'll pay.\" A few minutes later, an Englishman with a humped back walks in and asks the waitress for a cup of tea. He then asks the waitress, \"Hey... is that Jesus over there?\" The waitress nods and so the Englishman says, \"Give 'im a cup of tea... on me.\" A few minutes later, a Redneck walks in on a pair of crutches. He says, \"Hey, sweet thang... how's 'bout an ice-cold coke. Holy smokes... is that Jesus?\" The waitress says, \"Sure is.\" So, the Redneck says, \"Give the ol' boy a coke... put it on my tab.\" Later, Jesus gets up to leave, walks over to the Irishman, touches him and says, \"For your kindness, you are healed.\" The Irishman gets up out of his wheelchair and dances a jig out of the door. Jesus walks over to the Englishman, touches him and says, \"For your kindness, you are healed.\" The Englishman stretches out his back and does backflips out the door. Jesus walks over to the Redneck. Then, the Redneck gets up, backs away, and says, \"Stay away from me... I'm drawin' disability!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so don 't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.Love, Ma"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, \"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.\" He looks at her and says angrily, \"Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.\" \"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.\" To which he replied, \"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.\" \"Fine,\" she says, \"Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.\" \"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,\" he says. \"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!\" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. \"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?\" She said, \"Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.\" He said, \"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?\" She replied, \"Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced \"Bear.\" Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, \"Shot with a .308 rifle.\" He was right.They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, \"Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, \"I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?\" His wife angrily replied, \"I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, \"Skunk, killed with an axe.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tellsLuther, \"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only thisyear I'm gonna do it a little different!The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three yearsago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline gotpregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlinedidn't get pregnant again.\"Luther asks Billy Bob, \"So, what you gonna do this year that'sdifferent?\"Billy Bob says, \"This year I'm taking Earline with me.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of \"Guess the Animal\". The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat. \"Okay, boys and girls,\" she said brightly, \"can anyone tell me what this is?\" \"I know, I know, it's a cat!\" yelled a little boy.\"Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?\" \"That's a dog!\" piped up the same little boy.\"Right, again. And what about this animal?\" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, \"I'll give you a hint, children...it's something you're mother calls your father\".\"I know, I know,\" screamed Eddie. It's a horny bastard!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Jewish family invited their redneck neighbors over for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and their hostess announced, \"This is soup made with matzo balls.\" Seeing two large matzo balls in the soup, the redneck man was very hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. The Jewish couple gently urged him to try it. \"Just give it a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it,\" they said reassuringly. Finally, he agreed to give it a try. He dug his spoon in, picked up a small piece of matzo ball with some soup in the spoon, and gingerly tasted it. The usual 'mmmm' sound could be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup. \"I must say, that was quite delicious,\" he said, \"but I was wondering….Are there other parts of the matzo you can eat?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "karl was telling his buddies back on the farm about his first visit to a big city church. \"When I got there, they made me park my old pick-up in the corral,\" he began. \"You mean in the parking lot,\" interrupted Jeb, a more worldly fellow. \"Then I walked up the trail to the door,\" karl continued. \"The sidewalk to the door,\" Jeb corrected. \"Inside the door, I was met by some dude,\" karl went on. \"That would be the usher,\" explained Jeb. \"Well, the usher led me down the chute,\" said karl. \"You mean the aisle,\" Jeb said. \"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,\" continued karl. \"Pew,\" retorted Jeb. \"Yeah,\" karl recalled. \"That's exactly what the pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Arkansas State Residency Application ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name:(_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed Spouse's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_ Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. \"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love tohis mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector\", says the Coroner. \"Second body: \"Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.\" The Inspector asked, \"What of the third body?\" \"Ah,\" says the coroner, \"this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.\" \"Why is he smiling then?\" inquires the Inspector. \"Thought he was having his picture taken.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "You know yours is a Red Neck Church if:Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want to know whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. The pastor says, \"I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering.\" Then five guys and two women stand up. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because \"It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of.\" The choir is known as the \"OK Chorale.\" In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. Baptism is referred to as \"Branding.\" There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a new church septic tank. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. The baptismal is a #2 galvanized wash tub. The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's Bar-B-Q, and areembroidered with his logo. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "You might be a Redneck Jedi if...You ever heard the phrase, \"May the force be with y'all.\"Your Jedi robe is camouflage.You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of BudLight.At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgumskeeters.Wookies are offended by your B.O.You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so youdidn't have to wait for a commercial.You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.Your father has ever said to you, \"Shoot, son come on over to thedark side...it'll be a hoot.\"You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defenseelectro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of yourland-speeder.You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Dukeshorts.You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to getin through the window.Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba theHutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwooddeck.You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantinascene.If you hear . . . \"Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Dear son, Im writing this slow cause i know you cant read fast. Your pop read that all accidents happen within 20 miles of home so we moved. Can't send you the address as the last arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them so they wouldnt have to change their address. That coat you wanted, aunt billy-mae said it was too heavy with them buttons, so we took them off and put them in the pockets. Your sister had a baby yester morn. Don't know if its a boy or girl so dont know if youre an aunt or uncle. Three of your friends went off the bridge last week. One was drivig the other two were in the back. The driver lived, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they coulnt get the talegate down. Please write back. It you dont get this letter, let me know and i will send another one. Love, ma"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbingdiscovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls. The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas. So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, butPat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolateand seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the followingchildren: Mohammed Billy Bob Abba BubbaMohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin BouditMohammed Forrest Gumpa BubbaMohammed Rubba Dub Dubba BubbaBobbie Joe Bubba Amgood AtatBetty Jean Hasbeena BadgurlLinda Sue Bin There Dundat Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to havesprung from one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of themsuddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.He gasps to the operator, \"I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?\"The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, \"Just take it easy andfollow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.\"There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, \"Okay, he's dead.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "DEAR REDNECK SON, I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends ran off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom P. S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.\"Come have a look over here\", says Bubba, \"It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.\"\"That's nothing\", says Earl, \"here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.\"Just then, Jeb yells out, \"But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!\"\"What was his name?\" asks Bubba.Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, \"Miles, from Georgia.\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. \"Who is it on that island?\" a passenger asks the captain. \"I have no idea... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts like that.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was \"TIMBUKTU\". The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem: Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels two by two, Destination Timbuktu. The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate. Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem: Me and Tim a hunting went, Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They were three and we were two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu. The redneck won hands down."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude. As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home. The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnney started screaming and ran off quickly. On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong. Johnny replied, \"My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone... And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard \""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father: \"Daddy, what are they doing?\" The father says: \"They are Making a puppy\". So they walk on and go home.A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says: \"Daddy, what are you doing?\" The father replies: \"Making a baby\". The little boy says: \"Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.She finally asked him, \"Well what should we do about this?\"Dad looked at her and said, \"Well, I don't think you should spank him.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Kid's Books That Should Never Be Written:'You Were an Accident''Strangers Have the Best Candy''The Little Sissy Who Snitched''Some Kittens Can Fly!''The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion''How to Dress Sexy for Grownups''Getting More Chocolate on Your Face''Where Would You Like to Be Buried?''Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her''The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!''All Dogs Go to Hell''The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking''When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It''Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia''What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?''Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?''Bi-Curious George''Daddy Drinks Because You Cry''Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver''You Are Different and That's Bad''Why God Burned Down Disney Land'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"School\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. Teacher: \"Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.\" Little Johnny says to himself, \"Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and I'll answer the question.\" Teacher: \"Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?\" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, \"Abraham Lincoln.\" Teacher: \"That's right Susie, you can go home.\" Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: \"Who said 'I Have a Dream'?\" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, \"Martin Luther King.\" Teacher: \"That's right Mary, you can go.\" Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: \"Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?\" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, \"John F. Kennedy.\" Teacher: \"That's right Nancy, you may also leave.\" Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, \"I wish these kids would keep their mouths shut!\" The teacher turns around: \"NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!\" Johnny: \"MICHAEL JACKSON. CAN I GO NOW?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, \"I know the whole truth\". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, \"I know the whole truth.\" His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, \"Just don't tell your father.\" Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, \"I know the whole truth.\" The father promptly hands him $40 and says, \"Please don't say a word to your mother.\" Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, \"I know the whole truth.\" The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, \"Then come give your father a big hug.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day a little boy asked his father, \"how come you named my sister Running Dear?\" So the father answerd his question and said, \"when your sister was born I couldn't think of a name so I looked out the window and that was the first thing that I saw.\" \"Oh\" said the little boy, \"is that the same reason why you named my brother Flying Bird?\" The father said to his son \"why do you ask that, Two Dogs Screwing?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.\"It's a period,'' said the little boy.\"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. \"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR...\" His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, \"Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf.\" To which the little brother replied, \"No, but Gramma is!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house. While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, \"Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?\" The kid says, \"Daddy told me you were a self-made man.\" \"I am.\" \"Well, why did you make yourself like that?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little boy returning home from school said to his mother, 'Mom, what's sex?' His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, \"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?\" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. \"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?\" The little boy nodded yes. \"So,\" the coach continued, \"when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?\" Again the little boy nodded.\"Good,\" said the coach. \"Now go over there and explain it to your mother.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. \"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?\" he says.\"That's cool\" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.Carrie's father responds, \"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.\" Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.\"Yeah,\" says Carrie's father, \"Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!\"Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, \"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Science\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith.P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"School\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, \"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?\" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, \"A basketball coach?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, \"Okay, you say 'damn' and I'll say 'hell'\". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. \"Aw, hell,\" says the eight-year-old, \"gimme some Cheerios.\" His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. \"What'll you have?\" \"I dunno,\" quavers the six-year-old, \"but you can damn sure bet it ain't gonna be Cheerios.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.\"Now, class, closely observe the worms,\" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.\"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?\" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, respondedconfidently, \"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week. Johnny said, \"Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --\" The mother held up her hand and said, \"Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me.\" The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him. \"But why?\" croaked the husband. \"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me.\" \"Well,\" said little Johnny, \"I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied bytwo female teachers went on a field trip to the localracetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and thesupporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to thetoilet so it was decided that the girls would go with oneteacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men'stoilet, one of the boys came out and told her that hecouldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher wentinside and began hoisting the little boys up by theirarmpits, one by one. As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help butnotice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementaryschool child. \"I guess you must be in the fifth,\" she said. \"No ma'am,\" he replied, \"I'm in the seventh, riding SilverArrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. \"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?\" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says, \"I'll demonstrate it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned.\" The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, \"Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?\" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, \"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would.\" Then he goes to his sister's room and asks, \"Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?\" His sister looks up and says, \"Omigod! Definitely!\"The kid goes back to his father and says, \"Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two tramps.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Little Johnny's father asked him, \"Do you know about the birds and the bees?\" \"I don't want to know!\" little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong. \"Oh dad,\" Little Johnny sobbed, \"At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, \"Mommy, I have to pee.\" The mother said to the little boy, \"It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'.\" The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, \"Daddy, I have to whisper.\" The Father looked at him and said, \"Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, \"What's that?\" \"That's the elephant's tail,\" she replies. \"No, under the tail,\" says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, \"Oh, nothing.\" The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, \"That's the elephant's penis, son.\" \"So, why did mum say it was nothing?\" asks the boy. The father draws himself up to his full height and says, \"Son, I guess I've spoiled that woman.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, \"Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.\" Johnny looked up and replied, \"Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill and Linda decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. \"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,\" he said. \"An ambulance just drove by.\" A few moments passed.\"Looks like the Andersons have company,\" he called out, \"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.\"Mom and Dad shot up in bed. \"How do you know that?\" the startled father asked.\"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,\" his son replied."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, \"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?\" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. \"God Almighty !\" shouted Mary. The teacher said, \"Very good!\" and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, \"Who is our Lord and Savior?\", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. \"Jesus Christ!\" shouted Mary. The teacher said, \"Very good!\" and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, \"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?\" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, \"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "HERE ARE SOME CHILDREN BOOKS THAT WILL NEVER BE PUBLISHED:---------------------------------------\"You Were an Accident\"\"Strangers Have the Best Candy\"\"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!\"\"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It\"\"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia\"\"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?\"\"Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends?\"\"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry\"\"Dad's New Wife Timothy\"\"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games\"\"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables\"\"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy\"\"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will\"\"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead\"\"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School\"\"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Little Josh comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. \"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,\" he asks, \"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?\" His father thinks a bit, then says, \"No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?\" \"Osama bin Laden,\" David says. \"Why Osama bin Laden,\" his father asks in shock. \"Well,\" Josh says, \"I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.\" His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. \"Josh, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.\" \"I know,\" Josh says, \"and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the hell out of him.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The little boy walks into his father's bedroom and catches him putting on a condom. He says, \"What are you doing, Pop? The father stutters \"I'm going to kill a mouse, son.\" The kid says, \"What are you going to do, bang him to death?\""
}
] |