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Nothing interests me anymore, I just feel numb and anxious and insane every day I just wish I wasn’t here from the beginning. I’m a burden to my family and a waste to everything and everyone else. I wish I could just press a button and erase all traces of my existence from the world. | Apart from my parents, no one would really miss me if I weren't here. |
Nothing brings me joy anymore, not even my greatest accomplishments make me feel anything, kind of like a show that's run its course but the showrunners keep finding "cool" and "wacky" scenarios to put the main characters in, but nothing hits like it used to. I just want whatever the fuck this is to end. | Points for the way you put that. I have to say, I know the feeling you’re talking about. I really do. I mean, I’m going to crawl around to the bitter end, but I think I’ve developed anhedonia for my own anhedonia. Good times. |
Intelligence wise I do but just on a practical level. I've been sleeping all day, hate myself, no motivation to write a single word. How on earth would someone get up in the morning and devote themselves to study in that state. | University gave me structure, it wasn't easy but I also had some reward of being able to accomplish things. Right now I am stuck in my PhD, where no structure existing other than you plan things on your own and it cripples me. I also feel extremely judged by others, since you are supposed to be high performing individual and work non-stop. |
I’ve been having a really rough few months and my depression’s been more intense than usual, so I got animal crossing 2 weeks ago in hopes of it calming me down when it gets bad.
A new villager just moved onto my island, and it started singing while staring at the lake. I started crying because it was just so pure and cute that it made me realize how fucking depressed I am. Social distancing, being quarantined, not seeing my friends, becoming recently single, on top of my mental illnesses have been so overwhelming. I’m so tired of being alive and I wish these feelings would just stop. | Overwhelming with everything piling up. I'm glad you're finding beauty in something like AC. Hang onto those fleeting moments. They're real. They're pure. There will be more. Hang in there friend. I'm rooting for you. Take care. |
I dunno. Nothing excites me anymore. I wake up and I don’t know what to look forward to. I’m not having any suicidal thoughts and I don’t think I ever will, but I’m really struggling to feel happy. | I very much so feel this way. Can't play video games, can't watch tv/movies much. I just sit in my chair at home until bedtime and then I do it all over again the next day. Don't even get the same pleasure from food anymore. |
Sorry if my language sounds harsh but that's how I feel about myself now. Used to be a good student, not too bright but put an effort, dreamed to study in the West, teachers kept telling me I'd go places.
Now unemployed (only an unstable freelance job), living alone with no friends and no energy to pursue any hobby anymore. Play video games pointlessly, then sleep, usually with an empty stomach.
Such is life. Hope y'all doing ok.
Just to clarify, as long as you feel like a bum, it counts. Depression doesn't discriminate I guess. | yeah, being the 'smart kid' in school didn't do anything for social connection, and instead of being offered opportunities like 'here try this welding internship' you are told 'you have infinite potential. go out and do whatever you want!'
i won't tell you what I do with my infinite potential, but I am certainly bitter about a lot of high school things. |
I know depression can sometimes be sleeping to much or little, but this is different.
It’s just that knowing that I’m not going going to fall asleep and stay asleep, that I’ll wake up in the morning and have to do this all over again, is so soul sucking that I force myself to stay up as late as I can. | I'm fixing to go into work without any sleep because I am dreading starting another work week, seriously depressing stuff knowing I just get to be free 2 out of 7 days my entire life |
First off I'm a lebanese 24 years old and You can't imagine the life I'm living here. Our house got destroyed in the beirut explosion and my dad got injured.
My mom is sick (multiple sclerosis) and We can't afford her medication anymore.
Depression, Fear and anxiety everyday. Our country is run by corrupted politicians who ruled for 30 years. No one is able to let them go (they have weapons) ...
I've been unemployed for more than 1 year.
My father is unemployed too.
We did a revolution that survived for 5 months but since corona happened it turned off and not one politician was convicted.
To make it easy to understand our situation , There is no dollars in our country anymore only lebanese money. All our savings in the banks is gone. We became poor. 70% unemployement , everything is expensive ... Imagine Vanezuella but ten times worse ..
We are stuck in a war between Israel and Hezbollah. We are innocent educated people who speak 3 languages !! I have a license in physical therapy which I got and cost me 25 thousand dollars and it's useless. My father is an accountant who worked so hard and now our savings is gone! There is no fucking dollars anymore!
I'm doing physiotherapy volunteer work but now it's starting to do more bad for my mental health than good. I'm working 8hours and getting payed 0. I'm angry every morning about this and specially before sleeping
I'm just done. I'm really lost and I can't get out of this country with no savings and if it wasn't for my parents I would have ended my life a long time ago.
Sorry for my rant but I needed to post this somewhere. | First of all, the very fact that you are volunteering during some of your country’s darkest times is absolutely amazing and selfless. We need more people like you in the world.
As for your situation, I think I can speak for many people on this platform, is grim as of this moment. I couldn’t even imagine what you and your family must be going through.
Unfortunately, I don’t have any advice for you. But, I do have some words of encouragement for you.
It’s clear that you have resilience and a heart of gold. People like you often have the intelligence and the passion to keep moving forward.
People like you will push through the obstacles and fight for a better tomorrow.
People like you are the reason why your family, friends, and community will one day heal from the hard times, and create the good times for the next generations.
Hang in there, don’t give up, and best of luck. |
my memory is SO bad. i can’t focus, i can’t concentrate. and throwing ADHD and anxiety in the mix hasn’t been great either. but the worst thing is my memory. i used to be “the smart kid”, in school, but now i can’t remember shit so i’m failing several classes. i’m tired. | I feel this way also. I have suffered from depression and anxiety from a young age. Around the age of 20-21 my memory went south. I used to be able to recite song lyrics and movie lines and now I can’t remember half the movies I’ve even seen. Sad. |
The title and this story may sound fake (New account to hopefully protect my identity), but I swear to you it could not be more real for me. I wanted to share this, I am not doing this for attention but merely to seek help. More questions will be asked at the end of my story. As the title describes, a miracle has occurred given the severity and intent of the crash. The paramedics, police, doctors, nurses and my parents all gave me the most puzzled look of their lives when they asked how fast I was going, and I replied "200 km/h".
I have been depressed for 4 years now. Nothing has been working and my mental health has declined terribly. I have been on multiple medications, tried behavioural therapy such as cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), and even went a course of Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). First my motivation to do anything went down; I couldn't eat, do school work and most importantly, socialize. My social circle grew smaller as my depression grew bigger, after 4 years of suffering as well as other health conditions such as horrible eyesight (+10.00 in each eye with astigmatism), sleep apnea and anxiety, I figured life wasn't going to get any better and I decided to end my life.
I drove to the mountains where I decided I would find a large hill, go full speed down it and either turn into the median or drive off the road, ultimately killing myself. About 3 hours from my hometown I found the perfect hill, The road was steep, perfect for gaining speed to ensure a fatal crash. Without thinking too much (I would just talk myself out and not commit), I pulled a U-turn and drove to the hill which was about 5 minutes after that point. They say your life flashes before your eyes, mine played back to me for those 5 minutes. The most important people and influential moments of my life appeared before my eyes. They suddenly disappeared as I approached my chosen hill. My foot automatically floored the gas pedal, I placed my left foot behind the brake so I wouldn't back out. I raced down the hill, gaining more and more speed, by the time I reached the bottom, my car (which only has a speedometer for up to 200 km/h. I saw the road start to bend and I jerked my wheel into the opposite direction of the turn, slamming the front end of the car into the median. That was the last thing I remembered before waking up in my car, with tapping on the window from bystanders. All I could think to myself at that moment was "wow, I so much of a failure I can't even kill myself". A bystander described to the paramedics and police that I hit the median, did about 10 spins (no flips) and then continued to scrape median down the hill for another 250m. I got a glimpse of my car before I was taken away in an ambulance, it was completely destroyed. When I arrived to the hospital I was placed in the trauma room however, the doctor was incredibly surprised after seeing me sitting upright with consciousness after a 200 km/h car accident. He assessed me and ordered a full-body CT scan. The results came back clean, no bleeding, no broken bones and most importantly, no death. He then admitted me to the psychiatry ward (which I won't get into on this post but it was a nightmare!!!).
The everyone's surprise I was barely injured, walking away with a concussion with memory loss at most. This phrase really stuck in my mind because nearly every person I have talked to so far has said: "It's a miracle you're alive". I'm not religious, but I agree, it is a miracle I'm alive, and I"m not going to waste it. I'm begging for help because I know this community loves to help people when they reach out. I really want to try and beat my depression but I don't know how. I have tried CBT, I'm going BACK to ECT for another round of treatment and I'm on increased medication. I will be seeing counsellors and psychiatrists, however thanks to Canadian healthcare not until 2020 (which is one of the reasons I decided to end it, due to lack of resources).
If anyone out there has any tips on how to manage severe depression and anxiety please let me know. I'm still alive today despite the severity of the crash, and I believe it's a sign that I need to conquer this depression and do something great with my life. I am tired of laying at home, with no energy and no motivation, wasting away my life every day with my depression. I can personally say even those who are suiciding don't want to die, they merely just want to stop existing.
Please help with any advice you have, I'm begging for my life to change, please. I am trying my best to push past my depression and suicidal thinking so I can give life another try.
Here are a list of specific questions that would benefit a lot:
\-How do I keep up my motivation despite having no energy all the time?
\-How can I keep up or have more energy?
\-I'm thinking of going back to school for Nursing, my current position (lab tech) doesn't feel fulfilling and I'm looking for something more. Is nursing school a good idea or will that just make my life more stressful?)
\-What are some habits I could do to alleviate my depression
\-Any secret self-help/feel good tips?
\-How do I make more friends and build a better support network?
\-What do I tell to my friends who have noticed I just "disappeared" for a few days?
​
Thanks to those who took the time to read this post, I usually get little to no reads on Reddit but I thought I'd share this anyway since not many people can say they survived a 200 km/h automobile suicide attempt and walked out with minor injuries. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
Edit: more questions
Edit 2: Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to write to me. I truly didn't believe this would reach this many people. I will try and reply/read everyones post but I am still in the process of seeing a lot of specialists. But I am truly grateful for all the love and support that has been sent my way. Thank you, I will make you all proud and try my best to implement all of the tips into my life. | People usually say exercise helps for energy, maybe go for a walk once a day? Even if you don't feel like it. |
I have no desire to get up earlier and do something with my day even though if I could force myself I’d probably feel better.
It starts to get dark within an hour of waking up usually and it’s so depressing but it keeps me isolated in my “comfort zone”
Being up in the middle of the night feels freeing for some reason, no one awake, no guilt for responsibilities, I can sleep away the day and not feel guilty about it.
But I’m wasting time and I want more than anything to feel okay again. I want to start to get my life back to something that I can derive some genuine enjoyment out of and move forward with productive things.
I became depressed again about 10 months ago since my mom passed and these past 10 months have gone by so fast, I’m almost 26 and I’m scared at how fast time is moving without any stability forming in my life.
TLDR: I’m 25 and I feel like I’m wasting time, which I am. But it’s so hard to even attempt to start getting my life in order.
It feels so far out of reach | I've been doing the same thing. Night feels so peaceful with no pressure, I don't want to sleep and then have to be awake during the day when people can see me.
I used to go for long walks everyday with some loud music I like and that would help a lot, but since pandemic hit I haven't been able to do that, and started going to bed later and later. Now I wait till after sun rise cuz it's when people start getting up.
My mind keeps reminding me "time to sleep!" but at the same time also giving excuses "Just this one more quest and I'll go"
Not a helpful answer since Im not sure what to do either but we know we're not alone at least :P |
Does anybody else feel like they 'are just there'?
I feel like there is no depth to me. I have no interests anymore, everything feels like a chore. I don't feel like a real person, only a spectator - I am here, but not really. I have no personality. I pick up some traits I see in others, or on TV. I feel like I am just a mix of various people I've considered interesting, and I just impersonate and mimic them. I just live and do what others want me to do. I feel like an empty shell. I daydream all the time, and sometimes feel like I am losing touch with reality. Sometimes I can't recall what my face looks like, all I see are parts of it, and it feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable.
I have no idea what is going on with me. I've been growing more and more suicidal each day. I just wish I could feel okay for a moment. | I have no personality either. I’m like whoever I hang around with. |
She really said it best:
“Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude.”
God damn, am I sick of being alive. I’m 29 and really can’t envision another 60 years of wanting to hurt myself, feeling like no one gives a fuck and hoping I die in some type of accident. | I'm 26 in 4 days I'm 30 in 4 years and I spent my day off work today alone wollowing in my depression nest of a bedroom suffering a quarter life crises.
My dad died two months ago and I can't deal with that I have to pretend he is still alive just to get through the day because if I'm reminded of it I cry and I can't stop.
When he died everyone flocked around my mum even though they hadn't been together for years, although they were still living together. No one comforted me. No one spoke to me.
My life on the outside is fine, I don't have any debt, bar my car payments have my own place-it's rented-but it's my own place I share it with my boyfriend who is great, I have a cat I have an awesome job as an estate agent that I love. I'm just so incredibly lonely and I was even before all the lock down and my dad dying. I just can never seem to be happy with anything.
I get gaslighted by my mum because of this she's a boomer and thinks millenials made up depression. 'all your generation are depressed, what do you have to be depressed about, you' re a mess your house is a mess' but then it stops me from getting help because I feel like if I ring the samaritans or other help I'm taking a spot away from someone who needs it.
I don't find the point in anything anymore I don't find enjoyment in anything I don't see a reason to clean up to eat to shower to exercise this has been worsened by the lockdown and working from home.
My dad dying made it worse to the point where, when people die, life goes on, it feels like it shouldn't when I walked out of the ward in the hospital the hospital was still there there were people walking around the sun still set and rose I still had to go to work I still had to wake up in the morning and it all seemed wrong.
But it makes me worried about my suicidal thoughts because a lot of people were upset that my dad died but they still carry on with their life, and that makes me think if I die, yeah my mum and my boyfriend would be upset but they would still carry on. Like I have to even though I don't want to.
My dad suffered with depression he killed himself but not in a sudden way, he was an alcoholic he stopped eating and just drank alcohol and smoked himself to death. I think I get the depression from him.
I don't smoke and I don't drink and I don't do drugs.
I seem to get days where I have a spurt of energy and i need to get everything done during that spurt and then I'm stuck in the rut. |
It isn't quite like "wanting to die" but more like "not wanting to live", has anyone been overwhelmed by this feeling as well? | This is how I felt every single day before medication. I would never want to kill myself but if I were to accidentally get hit by a car and die I wouldn't care. One thing that I took a while to learn is that this also counts as suicide ideation. |
Every day when I wake up, I feel suuuuper depressed for the first few hours of being up. For the rest of the day it comes and goes but it’s every morning without fail. | Yes, every morning. The first 5 minutes are warm and comfortable and then I realize I have to get through another day. It usually takes 30-60 minutes to calm myself down enough to realize I can get thru the day without getting sucked into the abyss.
I do not remember the last time I woke up with happy anticipation of the rest of the day.
Depression sucks. |
Not that I want to kill myself right this instant but it feels like it's too late to prevent it. Something bad is going to happen later on down the line and then I'll just end it. There's no way around it so long as I don't die suddenly in a car crash or something. I feel like I'm one of those people who just never gets better.
Edit: why did this post blow up this was just a depressive vent post
Edit 2: why is this being given wholesome awards reddit baffles me sometimes
Edit 3: I feel like I should add some context to my depression that may differ from your own experience. My depression mainly comes from a place of self-loathing and my own inability to accept myself. I have people who I care about and who care about me but I feel like depression has manifested into my personality and it is a part of who I am now. This is why I feel that suicide is inevitable for me personally. | I feel you. I've struggled with suicide since I was 15 years old. Tried my first at 25. Had three more attempts, got better, got worse, and now as a 32 year old I'm here getting ready for my 5th run, hoping this one will be the last.
It is not just a matter of "things get better", yeah things can get better, and they sometimes do, but sometimes they get worse and sometimes you are just tired of all of this, all this drudgery, all the daily hassle. The good can never offset the bad so is better punch out my card and leave this existence for those who really care about it.
So try, if you can, stay alive, find meaning, find resolve, if not, there is at least the solace that everybody dies in the end. It may not be when we want, or when we need, but it will at least come one day. |
That’s the scariest/most pathetic thought that runs through my brain on work nights. I hate this world I live in. I hate being so alone all of the time.
**I wish with all of my being there was a simple way out.** | This, The reason i stopped trying to kill myself (other than honestly becoming too bored and tired of trying to kill myself, and i mean with everything) is the fact that, i have to wake up and deal with the reprocautions the next day, or worse. just wake up from an attempt and just go through life still.
I'm tired of this life, and if there is any chance of me having any next lifes, i'm going to be pissed. I just wish i could consciously enter a sleep mode and never wake up. |
I laugh at it now after all these years. I had seen it on TV that someone committed suicide by od. All it did I think was give me an upset stomach. I'm 27 now. Honestly surprised I'm still here. I've been feeling very suicidal the past couple of days. The only thing that stops me is my baby brother I take care of everyday. When he goes home though, I don't know. I just hope my mood is better by then. I know part of me doesn't want to die but the feeling is so forceful and impulsive. | Hey, First of all, I want to thank you for sharing that childhood experience, because I always felt odd for trying to cut myself, when I was 5 years old. Of course, I did it with a butter knife inside of my palm, so not much harm was done, but still. You're the first person I've came across, that had a similar urge at such a young age. And I can relate to still having those feelings.
Second of all, I hope that your mood will get better. Try to remember, that your brother, even when he goes back home, will still be here. And he will have times in life, where he could use a caring figure he has in you. I know how strong the suicidal urges can be, and I know how little to no reason there can be, for staying alive. I wish that you'll get better and those feelings will pass soon. Stay strong. |
I’m fed up of waiting on other people. It’s clear nobody really gives a shit about me.
So sod it. I’m going to go and do my own thing. No help from anyone. I’ve gone this long being a loner I’ll just accept it’s my life. I’m going to adopt a do or die attitude and this will end either with me ending myself or something beautiful. I’m going to apply for every job under the sun. I’m going to write this book I’ve been putting off. I’m going to claw my way out of debt.
Wish me luck my friends 💓 I have nothing left to lose. | Fuck yeah! Good luck.
Prefer multiple attempts to your ultimatum but keep us posted! |
Because i cannot bring myself to focus on things i could do normally before, be it hobbies, watching movies, reading, and so on. All i feel is lying down all day and doing nothing.
edit: mixed feelings with the responses ive been reading. Sucks to hear that I am not alone with experiencing this. I just hope that some day, some miracle might happen to our lives and bring back the spark we once lost. | I have to stop myself mid movie because of my mind wandering so much and just give that painful thought some space. Sometimes, I zone out doing the same. Really messed up. I can't even complete a series of my liking. I still force myself to watch a movie for distraction sake. I hate that this happened |
instead of called in from work or breaking down during my shift i cry on the drive to work.
instead of ranting on instagram or ranting on facebook i cry myself to sleep.
instead of telling people how i feel, i say im fine and smile knowing no one could understand how fucked iam.
instead of threating to kill myself, ive come to terms with the fact that i'll be gone soon once i get to my breaking point and end it all. | I sympathasize 100%. If being depressed for so long has taught me anything in this life, its how to fake happiness. I think we surprise ourselves at how good we can be, but I feel like a hollow shell of what used to be me. Know you're not the only one out there. |
It does not even have to be a major incident, but that tenuous grasp you had on climbing out of the hole, that little bit of hope that things are starting to turn around, suddenly releases and you are plummet back into the pit; and now you are too damn tired to try climbing out again ... | I decided I'd have a proper breakfast to try to start the day out right today. Scrambling some eggs, I set the dish on the counter to check the heat of the pan. The fork slips and liquid egg spills all across the counter and down the crack where the counter doesn't meet the edge of the stove. Much cursing but I'm not going to let it win. I pull out the stove and get all the egg goo cleaned up, reset the stove and grab a couple of new eggs. I was determined not to let this get to me. Eggs in the pan I start some much needed coffee. Coffee done I pour it into a mug and quickly realise I'm out of coffee cream so the coffee goes in the sink. I quickly toss some bread in the toaster and attend the eggs. This is not going to get to me. I toss some bacon in the eggs and slap it on the toast once it's done.
I sat down with my breakfast sandwich trying to calm myself down. "I will be productive today. I will-" I noticed the bread bag looks suspiciously green/blue. I looked down at my half eaten breakfast in my hands. The bread I was eating was mouldy.
I gave up. Tossed the rest of my breakfast and the bread in the compost and take it out. I haven't left the house in a week and I obviously need to go shopping but depression wins again today.
I just wanted a nice breakfast. |
I feel so empty. to the point that things i used to laugh at i no longer find amusing. Call me a coward but ive never told anyone about the way i feel maybe in order to be able to carry on with life with no more complications. I just want someone to hold me close and tell me its going to be ok. I guess this is my cry for help. | Wow I relate to this so much.
I’m so fed up of pretending to be okay and just wish someone would see how fucking miserable I actually am. |
It hurts realizing that your not this deep down to earth interesting smart person. Realizing you just a piece of trash that is useless. It doesnt matter wether im here or not. It just breaks my heart to realize that. | When I was in my young teens I thought I was this calm and smart guy, who was just waiting for his chance to show the world who he was. After attempting to become more social and outgoing, I just realized that I am a trash person. Now I just try to regress back into what I was, because at least I'm not going to ruin other peoples day anymore. |
I think of a name, a face, a place, a year—the only things I can recollect are negative. I’ll just be driving in the car or sitting in my room, then these thoughts hit me like a fucking locomotive: “Remember that stupid weird shit you said 6 years ago?” Or “remember that group of people whom you tried to befriend earlier in freshman year of college only to be rejected, and you didn’t really care for them much anyways but holy fuck, you are so dysfunctional and weird and retarded?” It goes on, “remember how you chose to not talk to that cute girl who showed clear-as-the-fucking-day signs of interest in you but still opted to not talk to because you’re that brain dead and insecure?”
It doesn’t stop. It never fucking does. It’s like I’m haunted by my relatively uneventful past. I involuntarily think of these social/romantic/academic/attention-deficit/practical failures, and then I think of how great it would be if I could just roll over and die, never mind how. No more mistakes. No more disappointments. I’m tired, I’m tired of being tired, and I’m tired of being tired of being. I’m not suicidal, yet at the same time, I feel like I’m just one bad day from doing myself in; however, I could never do that to my friends and family. It’s a weird fucking feeling. I don’t normally post here... Thanks for coming to my TED Talk on Stupid Bullshit.
Edit: Thanks so much for the support. Stay sane and stay safe! | I teared up reading this because it's exactly what I do daily. I have nothing but regret over almost every decision and conversation I've ever had (Why did I do that? Why the hell did I say that?). I don't know how to stop it. |
The only real option. The only button that ends eternal pain and suffering. Fade away from everywhere and become nothingness. All your sorrows and misery, agony gone in the blink of an eye. And you know what's the best part? It's free! You don't need to pay to kill yourself, but you need to pay to live. It's the easy way out, the only beautiful way out. It's not much, we all die at some point wouldn't hurt to cut myself off from everything as I would lose my consciousness.
But I am here to live for the mental well being of other people, so they don't be sad. I suffer for them. Yet they wouldn't take a minute to listen to one of those millions of thoughts I have ruining my head. Ironic. | To me, suicide could be the answer. I always think of suicide compared to dying of old age. Alot of time elderly people are suffering and hurting and in misery. And when they pass, everyone says how they are in a better place now. They aren't suffering or hurting or in misery. Well sometimes we as people are in misery, hurting, and in alot of pain. Myself included, is so miserable and so depressed, and lonely, and down on life as a whole, I cant function sometimes. And I just want the misery to end. The pain and suffering and lonliness to stop. |
i love him and as long as he is around i will devote myself to his care, comfort, and happiness. beyond that i do not give a shit. he's my reason. he's why i work and take my meds and try to at least pretend i see a future for myself that doesn't suck. i would do anything for him, including stay alive.
and if you have an issue with that or think it's funny or whatever, hey go fuck yourself. | My cat of 17 years passed about two years ago, and it broke my heart. I thank him for so much - he was there for me when no one in my life was. I thought his passing would break me - it hurt. But it made me want to make him proud, even though he’s a cat. It’s silly, but I definitely understand how you feel. I will grab his urn and talk to it sometimes. I was worried losing him would break me... but it didn’t. He was gone, but the strength and love he put in my heart wasn’t. Cats are special. I’m glad you have a cat that loves you! One thing that keeps me going is thinking about how I will get another cat one day.
Edit: Thank you all for your kind comments, I really appreciate it. |
This quote by Robin Williams has destroyed me. I’ve realized why I hate being with people more than being alone, even if I’m smiling and having fun.
*EDIT* wow, thanks so much to every single supportive comment. means more than the world to feel supported. to everyone suggesting social media is a cause of this- is not the case here. i don’t use social media, because I know the conversations on there don’t follow me to my grave ❤️ real life human connection does. today was a good day, thankyou everyone for your love. | In a world where communication is at our finger tips, we as people have never felt more alone. |
I have failed in nearly everything I had set out to do. I have no confidence to do anything else.
I have no proper education, no friends, no job, no travel experience, no positive memories, no good relationships with anyone, no confidence, no productive hobbies, no self worth, and no future.
I'm worthless trash at the peak of my youth. The people I grew up with are pursuing their dream careers and traveling the world, enjoying their lives. I am sat here taking care of my needy family, looking for pathetic jobs, and engaging in escapism to forget that I am who I am.
I am 25 years old this year, a stupid idiot, a weak coward, a life loser, and a complete waste of space | If you are taking care of your needy family, then you are the opposite of a worthless failure. |
I hate waking up to my alarm every morning, i just wish i existed in a never ending dream. | Same. Fuck. Even my nightmares are better. I wish I could sleep forever |
There is always another day. And another. It never stops, no rest. | I just wanted to post about this. Every day is torture. I finally make it through the work week a d what is my reward?
A weekend of torturous suicidal thoughts which I have been burying for the whole week, now blowing up in my face and ruining that weekend thats the only time I can hope to "relax".
Then the weekend is over in seemingly 5 minutes anyways, a d then what?
All over again
Thats the thing, there is nothing to look forward to except death. Thats the only real rest, everything else is just layers and layers of problems stacked on top of each other, and every day repeats forever |
Why does my brain constantly resort to wanting to kill myself? Every single day that’s my answer, I want to get it out of my head because I feel like if it continues for too long I may do something.
I have nothing planned, I just think about it all the time. Why is this? | I describe it to people this way:
Imagine that moment in life where you were in pain. I'm talking about excruciating, debilitating pain. What's the only thing you want?
For the pain to stop.
Same thing applies for depression. Depression is the kind of pain you feel everywhere. It penetrates the mind. You feel it every day when you have to muster up what little strength you have just to get out of bed. Every time you feel regret, or the crushing feeling that your life is over at the tender age of 24. It crushes you.
But after spending years, potentially decades of this, it wears in you to the point where you just want the pain to stop. And because we're in so much pain, it's difficult to think straight. And the mind, operating off of instinct, thinks of the path of least resistance. So we turn to cigarettes, alcohol, bad food, or whatever provides what little comforts we can find. This is morphine. It helps with the pain, but the pain is still there. After a while the comforts stop working and things get worse. And that's when the thoughts of suicide become much more appealing, then they're tempting, then irresistible...
To make the pain more manageable, it takes a lot of work. Think more like surgery, physical therapy and lifestyle changes. Now what work is needed to be done depends on the person. I can't make any recommendations because I don't know your situation. But I will say that it takes years of excruciating work for it to get better. I had to try multiple therapists, multiple psychologists and multiple changes to my life to get the ball rolling. But if you stick with it and keep trying, things can improve. It's not a magic bullet, it takes work, but it's worth it in the end. |
I literally cannot remember a time in my life where I wasn't angry or unhappy with myself or how people treated me. I've had body issues since I was 8 years old because my grandparents overfed me and let me eat sweets all day, which led to me being outcasted by my peers and constantly criticised by my parents. I first started thinking about suicide when I was maybe 12 or 13 and 10 years later I still think about it. I don't think I've ever has a solid year of my life where I've thought that everything was going to be okay and life was worth living. I've had months of temporary relief from the constant pain, but thats all they were; temporary. I thought finding someone to spend my life with and who loves me unconditionally and puts up with my suicidal tantrums would fix me but it hasn't. I thought effectively curing my disfiguring autoimmune disease would help me have a new lease on life, but it hasn't. I have lots of friends, an attractive face, and I had a job I liked. No body in my personal life except for two people know that I struggle, and the rest would never guess it. I have nothing to be sad about, really, I have an objectively easy life. But that doesn't matter, I am depressed and I always will be. I could have the perfect body, my dream job, have millions in my bank account and I'd still feel exhausted. In the same way that people say 'once an addict, always an addict', I've come to believe the same thing about my depression. | Hey dude, you're in an extremely similar situation to me. Been depressed and on/off suicidal since before the 1st grade. Now I'm in my 20s and things are worse if anything. I've got an easy, privileged life and I feel like I'm wasting it. However, my dad has also struggled with depression since he was in high school, so allow me to pass some of the advice I got from someone who's been depressed for 40+ years. Yeah, it might be a part of you. We don't have enough scientific knowledge about the brain to "cure" chronic mental illness. Chronic depression is basically just another form of disability, it's just invisible. The same way some people have asthma or bi-polar disorder, we have Major Depressive Disorder. We have to live our life with low levels of energy, huge struggles with motivation, self-image issues, and probably sleep issues too. At this point in my life I don't believe that will change. That means that you and I have to figure out a way to live as good of a life as possible while being depressed as shit. The only person who can actually affect your own brain is you. This doesn't mean I'm telling you to just "deal with it" or "grow up", quite the opposite. People with MDD are kind of living life on a harder difficulty than others. You gotta find ways to make things better, little by little. I find that I'm happier if I can get outside at least once a day. I feel better when I exercise, or eat a healthy meal, or talk to my friends. I think you just have to focus on doing as many of these things as possible, as often as possible. Is it easy? Fuck no, I've spent too many days sleeping for 18 hours or ignoring my responsibilities. But I have to recognize that that won't help me and my depression won't ever go away and it's possible yours won't either. Honestly that serves as some motivation for me, because it tells me exactly what I have to do to feel less depressed. You genuinely have to just improve your life. Find any opportunity to do it, get help from family, from friends. Go to the doctor and get some medication. Go to therapy. Have your friends keep you honest and let them encourage you to be healthy and hold you accountable when you aren't doing the things you should be. Vent when you have to. Understand that feelings of depression are natural and you aren't "broken" or wrong for feeling them. Making your life more livable is one of the hardest fucking things you can ask a depressed person to do, but it's genuinely the only option. If you're still alive at this point you probably understand that suicide isn't the option. You just have to keep trying, as painful as that sounds, I genuinely think that's the best way you can deal with this.
Sorry for the rant, haha. |
Everyone says “try harder” or “I know you can do it” and all I wanna say to them is shut the living fuck up. I can’t try harder and I can’t do it, if I could I obviously would. I know they care but they’re also being inconsiderate by assuming I’m just choosing to fail my classes. I’ve been struggling with depression for a few years, I feel the lowest I’ve ever felt right now. I’ve in therapy and I take meds and I still can’t handle all the pressure and responsibilities of living. Depression kills :/
*edit*
Wow, I did not expect this to reach so many people. I have read any single kind comment everyone has left, sorry if I haven’t replied immediately I’m trying. I really appreciate every beautiful soul giving me words of encouragement. For anyone going through the same bs as I am, I just wanna let you know it’ll get better. I feel as you do, so hopeless and tired. But this is the moment we need to preserve more than ever. I wish everyone to sees this the best of luck in your battle against the fights life throws at you. <3 | I feel your pain, its really breaking me apart, I wish I could sleep forever Instead. |
Yesterday I went to a clinic because of my injured leg. While I was talking to my doctor about my injury, suddenly I had an urge to talk about what I’ve been feeling for the past 5 years. It took a lot of courage since I never talked to any adults about it because I was too anxious and scared. I cried, my hands were shaking and I couldn’t really talk properly but what I knew was I finally seek a proper treatment. I knew I was depressed and the doctor diagnosed me with it. I’m only 18 years old this year and I’m currently studying at college right now. I’m embarrassed when I remember the way I broke down in front of the doctor. But I did. I finally talked. | I’m really proud of you, OP. Talking about these things takes a lot of courage and strength!
I hope you’re proud of yourself, too. |
i WANT to lose weight. i WANT to draw. i WANT to sing. i WANT to socialize. i WANT to shower. i WANT to function as a normal fucking human being. how can i motivate myself to work so hard for someone (myself) that i don’t even like??? i’m getting so sick of being sick of myself...
Edit: ahh, i WANT to respond to all of these but i really didn’t expect so many people to respond, lol. thanks so much to the people who gave me advice, i’ll try to respond to at least some of these later! i really appreciate it all. and to the people who are struggling like me, hopefully we can find a way out lol. | Motivation is a lie.
What I do is set a timer (10seconds) , after it ends I just go (force myself) and get things done , regardless how I feel |
Especially when I think about all the terrible and cringey things I have done. Theres no getting around I'm a piece of shit so I feel better by accepting it. | I do too... Tbh its almost unconcious. I have intrusive thoughts a lot and I dont know when it started, but if I have an intrusive thought about something shitty from my past or something else bad pertaining to me I find myself saying "die" over and over again. Its awful and while its not totally dissociative (as in I normally dont do it in public) I cant always help it.
Ive been told it reinforces the negativity and I believe it, but its so difficult to stop, its as natural/unconcious now as yelling in pain or saying hello to a friend |
Today I noticed a girl at my school had a semicolon tattoo (;) and I showed her mine. We really clicked and exchanged phone numbers. I think I made a new friend😊 | Sorry, what does the semicolon mean? |
2 weeks ago i lost my girl due to an accident and i just can't deal with life anymore.
She was my angel and she was helping me so much with my anxiety and depression and now she is just gone. She always tried to make me happy. She was always there for me.
I was with her for 2 years now and now i'm just alone. Nobody is with me. My mom and dad both hate me. I don't even have friends or something. I dont want to leave my home, i dont want to eat, i don't want to drink. I just want my girl back.
i really don't know what to do now. My life is just fucked.
Edit: I wanted to thank you all for your Support. I really appreciate it | I have a couple of things I feel the need to say and this goes to everyone that feels like this.
The first thing I want you to know is that you’re not alone and there are people that would really care for you.
Another thing I want you to think about is would your girl want this to happen to you. Both you and I know that she would be devestated if you just ended it here.
I have nothing else to say but I really hope you make it through this.
Have a good day and get well soon!
Please let me know if you get better or need someone to talk to! :)
Edit: I’m so sorry but I think I also forgot to say sorry for your loss! :) |
Does anyone else feel like they have no personality because of depression? For me the downward spiral started when I was 11 or so, so being depressed is basically all I remember. I don't know who I was before that, or who I am now.
I always just feel like a carbon copy of whatever person I'm talking to, putting on a fitting mask and trying to please them with the personality I fake for them. I can't, for the life of me, tell you a single characteristic of me, except for my anxiety and depression.
When I'm alone, I tend to talk to myself (probably out of loneliness and the longing for actual human interaction, and yeah I know it's weird) and then I feel like a blanc slate. Like there's nothing to me.
This is my first ever post on reddit and I'm extremely anxious about it, but I've wanted to tell this to someone for such a long time and now I found this sub. | I can relate to this so much! I feel like the real me is hidden somewhere deep inside of me and is screaming to get out. I think we all can relate to that and the feeling of disassociation.
I’m glad you came here. I hope you’ll feel welcomed and supported here |
The worst part is now I have a girlfriend that I’ve dating for a while and I’m crazy about her and we’ve talked about our future together numerous times and she’s the single that can prevent me from reaching that true point of fully distanced from those I care about and it somehow makes me sad instead of happy | I don't expect other people to live solely for my sake and I don't believe they have any right to expect it of me.
If my death is so profoundly traumatic to them, they'll have to decide how to deal with that just like I'm dealing with my unhappiness now. |
Depression.
Keeping up communication is rough sometimes. A day of not replying to a message can become a week when you don't know how to explain that you just couldn't be around people that day, which can become a month when it always seems impossible to reach out and explain where you've been.
Edit: I've gone through each and everyone's reply. And I have only one thing to tell you all; thank you for listening to me! Thank you for all the kind words! and the gold really made my day :) | Have this since last month.
Haven't also dared to open my messenger. |
everytime i try to express my self i dont know how to do that and im always ignored. im 16 but i feel like im 30, i was adicted to liquor, weed and pills, rn im trying to be sober but drugs ruined litteraly everthing i had, i fucked up a lot of friendships, my mental state is getting worse and worse everyday, i still got ptsd from my mother who fucked me up when i was a kid, i'm barely making ends me, i have anger issues, i fucking hate myself im fucking ugly fat, everyone i meet forget about me in like a month, i barely sleep, i stutter i can barely even speak, i never had a girlfriend im so fucking alone.
my last hope is sport i practice, snooker, i try to go pro but im loosing interest in that like i lost in a lotta things i liked.
i honestly really dont know why im alive, this post was so cringe im sorry, but no one is going to read this, like usual
edit: thank you everybody who comented and saw this, i was having really bad mental breakdown and wrote this, i didnt except this many people to see this and give advice
i live with my father, he is only family member im closed to, i thoght about going to therapy, but ill have to tell my farher everything and i dont have strenght for that
i will try to turn my life, to live healthier, it will probably dont have a lot, but from there i will think what i do next
thank you for seeing this and helping me | When you have a crappy childhood, you end up with all sorts of problems. You’re not alone, and being addicted to drugs and alcohol at your age is common for people with crap childhoods. You can change some things. It’s hard, and it’s a lot of work. And your life is already hard! I get it!
Please try to hold on to playing snooker. Having something you like to do, even if you don’t enjoy it as much as you did, is important. |
I've been crying nonstop for 3months. Getting into university have made my condition worst. It's lonely here. I want to tell more but I just have no energy to type.
Hope those who read this.. good day to you.
Edit:
I didn't believe that my first post will get over 1K upvotes. Thank you for all the kind messages. Thank you. I have read all of it. Thank you. Truly made my day better. I will try to hold on and to those who are struggling too, keep your heads up too, try to love yourself, ourselves more. We can't lose hope. | It’s very strong if you to admit your feelings and cry them out, don’t let them torture you, get them out, cry as much as you’d like.
I know how it feels. These past few months have been hell and I want it to end : ( |
Like you will feel sad all the time then happy for mere moment before your brain hits you with the" damn bruh you were faking it for days" | Yeah I often feel like I’m just being lazy and sad and dramatic, playing the victim, and that I just “need to get over it,” “just move on,” you know. Heck maybe I am honestly. I don’t know. |
existing takes so much work.
i cant do this for much longer.
might be leaving soon. | Yeah, for me life doesn't feel meaningless, it feels painful as fuck and everything takes so much fucking effort. |
Everything from doing the dishes to showering, anything that requires more effort than being in bed, just feels so tiring with depression. I feel like I'm filled with cement, like every limb is as heavy as a 100lb dumbbell. I feel the weight of the universe holding me down. I don't know where I'm going with this post, I just needed to vent that out. I had the day off from work and I spent it in bed, scrolling through the same few apps. That's all I had the energy for, and it wasn't relaxing at all. Real waste of a day. | Dude. I get tired standing up when I'm in a real bad low mood. |
Lately I’ve been neglecting sleep because I can’t overcome the anxiety of having to wake up and think about all the things i’m behind on whether it’s school or even socially. It feels like when i’m awake a long period of time I can just manage my stress. Unfortunately as i’ve been neglecting sleep it’s gotten me in trouble with my parents and it’s mostly because I have a hard time telling them the truth as to why I’m not sleeping. Idk just feels like i’m trapped.
EDIT: I find it hard talking to my parents or a therapist because I hate when people feel bad for me. I’ve seen one therapist in the past and it sort of worked but I always feel awkward and embarrassed telling them my problems. | I've done this for a few years now. |
like, i wish that instead of having my crappy, depressing consciousness being tied down to my body, i could just exist as a floating, formless concept instead. right now my mind and body feel incredibly heavy and all i can do is lie down in the dark. i wish i could be free and light and weightless.
i don’t want to kill myself. i doubt i’d even have it in me to inflict physical pain on myself. but i don’t wanna exist like i currently do either. can anyone relate? | I feel the same way. I don’t want to do it either but life seems so boring and pointless sometimes. I’m sick of my mood swings. |
Its because they get in trouble and can lose their license over it. Thanks for guilting me, therapist. Shes been frantically calling and making me have to double check with phone calls and 2 appointments a week because my dogs dying possibly and I cant even be depressed over it because how i have to worry about her locking me up over fear of HER life being affected <3333 wow so supportive! I feel so safe with my therapist its like they REALLY care /s lmao what a joke. I think I'm gonna quit therapy over it, if you are so worried about your job then shit, dont let me inconvenience you with the possibility of ending my life, I gotta be considerate y'know.
EDIT: thank you for the awards and anyone doing that Redditcaresources, please don't. It was a nice gesture but I've seen it weaponized by rude people and have it disabled. But thank you | Don't mind her words! She's clearly just a bad therapist, she doesn't even know how to deal with patients properly. How did she even make it through college practices? Gosh.
Try to change your therapist if you have the possibility. |
I can not describe this better. Like I am literally fighting with myself physically so I do not lose touch with my surroundings and not get lost within my head.
It is so tiring.
Edit:
Damn, guys. I...am touched. I am just amazed to be honest how many of you struggle with the same shit every single day. Thanks for the kind words, for the support you show here. <3
You are all breathtaking. <3
Edit 2: I thought that this will be such an insignificant post. Turned out a lot of you feel like this. It is...sad and amazing at the same time. | I'm sorry to hear that, I would like to give you tips but I am only talking with myself 24/7 you should see a professional if you begin to struggle to hard |
I used to be quite a bright kid, at least, according to what everyone said. After years of trauma and abuse, however, depression completely overcame my life, and after so long, I feel it has utterly destroyed my brain; fried it, like an overloaded computer. I genuinely forget how old I am sometimes. I struggle doing basic math. My short-term memory has deteriorated to nothing. Etc. I just feel as though I'm slowing down only more each passing day. If I can ever beat depression, would I have any hope of restoring my cognitive ability at all? | A lot of my cognitive skills recovered after I beat my depression. Took about a year from when I finished treatment for them to fully come back. |
I would like to hear your thoughts. | All the time. It sucks when I have really productive periods, where I’m on top of everything and feel like I’m actually making progress. When the depression hits it’s like I’m starting all over again, and constantly. It’s a horrible cycle, like, if only I could’ve kept going I wonder how far I would’ve got by now. But I also understand with this illness, there are certain things I can’t do. I’m going to be slower going at some things. I’m going to have days where I don’t leave the house.
I’m trying to come to terms with this. There’s a way to make life work, I just have to find the right way for myself. |
Yup... that’s me. I think this is the depression that completely scares me most because days pass and I don’t do anything at all and don’t accomplish anything because I don’t give a fuck and then I look back and so much time has gone to waste | I used to be passionate and loved so many things and now I lost interest in almost all of them |
Ever since my first suicidal thoughts when I was like 14 (22 now) people say "aren't you so thankful you're still here?"
No. The answer is always no. I've never once thought I'm glad I didn't do it. I've only ever regretted NOT doing it. If I had just acted on my first suicidal impulses or any of them after I'd have been so much better off. Not a thing has happened I should've cared about missing.
My life has only gotten so so much worse. Now I WISH I felt how I did when I first felt suicidal. That was roses compared to this shit and I actively wanted to die then too. My life has gotten so much more fucked up than i could've ever thought then, and I really only would've missed out on suffering.
I've only been alive because 1. Suicide is way harder than people think and 2. I'm supposed to and guess what?
I'm not thankful for it. Jesus Christ do I wish I had just killed myself 8 years ago or *any* time since. I've never once been thankful for not killing myself | I never thought of it till I read this & I think I feel the same. What’s my purpose here? No one tells me they love me, only my Mom & she died in Jan. I just don’t feel like I have a purpose anymore |
like if i wanna play some video game my brain will be like ''nah go to sleep'' and it really pisses me off, because i feel like im letting the days pass, and with this corona virus out there, if i die, i would've enjoyed the thing that i most love in this world, which is gaming. | I only get up to go bathroom or eat. :( |
like if they are judging me or don't like me, trust me i know. i hate all of those things about myself and more. | That's how I've been feeling a lot lately. |
I'm 13 years old and I live with my dad. I'm shared custody from my mom to my dad. My dad is very abusive towards me. I've been diagnosed with depression and PTSD and I've gone to the hospital twice over suicide attempts because every time I'm with my dad I want to kill myself. He pushes me to the limit and I'm afraid that.
Ever since I was little, my dad has always beaten me with a belt. Even before I was old enough for school. My dad has beaten me for not doing what I was told to do. He yells curse words at me and uses my mother as an example of what not to be. And that makes me feel sad because I miss my mom. Recently, my grades dropped. I've been having problems at school. I have a hard time focusing and paying attention to what I'm being taught. My dad was pissed. One moment he’s screaming at me and cursing me out and telling me I won't achieve anything in life. And telling me I'm going to regret it when he’s done with me.
My 11 year old brother also made a bad grade, so he walked into my brothers room and I heard screaming and loud sound from my dad hitting him with a belt. Then he walked up to me and told me to give him my hand. I held my hand out and he hit me extremely hard with the belt. I screamed and held my hand, but he told me to hold my hand out again he continue to do it over and over again.
Then he told both of us to come in the kitchen. He started yelling at us saying he was in an "ass whooping mood" and that he'd beat us whenever we felt like it. That if we didn't care about our grades he wouldn't care either. That he'd make us feel his pain. He hit me extremely hard. My hand was red and swollen. I had a bruise on my wrist that was slightly swollen and stung to the touch. He told me to hurry and wash the dishes before he'd do it again. And he did. But my hand hurt too badly. He threatened to hold me down.
I'm going to kill myself if I have to continue to live with him. I cannot take this anymore and no one will do anything about it, I decided that when I go back to my mom's on Sunday I am refusing to go back to my dad's. This is what it's come to because he refuses to cooperate and my mom doesn't have enough money to get a lawyer and free legal aid takes too long. So I am not going. I know my dad will call the police if I don't go. When they come, I will talk to them and tell them my situation.
Can they force me to go? What will they do? Because in order to get me to go they would have to physically drag me. I am in fear of my life and I don't want to die but he just pushes me to that limit so I just can't be around him. I don't know how many times I've tried to tell my dad this and even my therapists have tried to tell him this.
He doesn't care, he simply denies treating me the way he does saying he's never called me the things he does on a daily basis like dumbass, idiot, son of a b\*\*\*, and he even calls my brother those things and denies it. Then when we're in public or around other people he acts like a totally sweet person, and his girlfriend thinks that I'm the problem because he constantly complains about me when really it's just a big show.
What will the cops do about it when they come? | The cops will call child and family services and let them sort it out. Police deal with immediate problems, they don't sort out child welfare and custody situations.
Immediately after you or your brother are hit and the marks are fresh is the best time to call the cops. Sucks to wait for that obviously, but that's when you have physical evidence your story is true, if you can get your brother to corroborate your story of your dad's abusiveness that would also go a long way. |
Ever since I was young, I can't remember what age but definitely younger than 10. I would have this feeling inside me like emptiness and I didn't realise until I was an adult that this was depression when this feeling came back. | Working with my therapist; we were able to trace it back as far as age 7. I wasn’t however diagnosed until I was 41. |
I’m trying. I haven’t been happy in five years, but I’m trying. I think about suicide every day, but I’m still here. I’m hanging on. I’m trying to believe that maybe I’ll find happiness again. Maybe I will find Faith gain. Maybe one day I will find people who care. I know you see me struggling and I feel you look at me with eyes of disdain. I hear your thoughts. *”She’s a lost cause” “she’s too much” “i wish I had never talked to her”* I know you don’t like me and you would probably be happier without me but I’m begging for someone to please stick around. To please not pull out. Even if you just pretend to care please don’t give up on me and maybe even just pretend to believe that I can get better. Because I can’t do this alone - and if everyone around me leaves, then why should I stay?
Edit: thanks for the awards and support. it means a lot. ❤️ | Loneliness is painful. When I get lonely, I usually try to find something to do to take my mind off of it. Depression likes to keep you in a cycle of misery if you don't find a way to cope.
It sounds like you're overwhelmed. I'm here to talk, as are others. |
like i was at work and my body just shut down and decided not to try anymore so i just stared into space for what felt like 5 minutes, but was actually 30. fuckkkkk this | Yeah I do this all the time, my mind goes back and forth to the past and future |
No, I'm in no danger of offing myself so no need to send out the cavalry. But I am so tired of having to remember what it feels like feel good instead of actually feeling good. I'm tired of having to remind myself that how I feel is not normal. I'm tired of having to remind myself my feelings are separate from me. I'm tired of having to distract myself from my feelings to get through today. Every fucking day. I'm tired of feeling like crying everyday all day everyday. I'm tired of having to have some mild stimulant just to feel whole.
Pardon the pun, but my depression is fucking depressing. | I feel this shit. Put it perfectly |
I've been eating like maybe three mini donuts per day for about three days because I can barely get out of bed. I've been hungry the whole time but like i just don't care that much.
I finally found the energy to microwave something so here goes. I miss warm food. I fucking HATE this disease. | Hey dude, I am proud of you that you had the strength at all. It will eventually get better. |
I’ve been wanting to cry for a few weeks now and it’s become hard for me to cry. I don’t know necessarily know why I want to cry. The other day I was watching Endgame and Tony’s death always gets me sad but, I couldn’t cry like I did when I saw it in theaters. I want to cry but I physically can’t. Why? | Yes, and it’s fucking horrible |
It feels like i constantly have a negative feeling in my chest, that's constantly there all day, but feels like it gets way worse when I feel more lonely/sad/negative.
I've never hugged anyone before, so when i sleep i hug a really soft blanket I have, to feel at least somewhat better, but i always feel even more lonely and i usually cry, and I've noticed that feeling in my chest gets much worse when i feel worse emotionally. | Yeah, have felt it a lot, it feels like there is a vacuum in the chest or something very heavy is placed there.
Now my head hurts the most trying to stop getting into overthinking. And when I not overthinking and trying to distract my brain from doing that it feels weird like I have a body suit which is shrinking and crushed me. I just wanna get into the least amount of space I can and just, idk, dissappear, like just not there, was never there.
Sorry if I don't make any sense. |
I have gotten used to being alone and I always somehow feel way better when I don't have any friends. It just made me realize that I can't hurt or disappoint anyone in that way.
I genuinely feel more well and less depressed.
Now I'm wondering if this is actually normal or not? Can anyone relate to this? | I can. Other people bring expectations and pressure. |
I know I shouldnt complain at 23 But Ive struggled with depression since I was 13. Every year. For 10 years. I have few positive memories. Im tired and I dont want to do keep trying anymore. Everything ive tried never has worked. Meditation. CBT. Psychologists. Psychiatrists. Medication. Sleeping Pills. Weed.
I feel so young (because I havent literally done much at all with my depression+anxiety) but ancient at the same time. I have no passions, no interests. No goals. Havent had good friends in years. Virgin. I dont go out. I dont take photos, I dont use social media. I feel like I dont exist. I dont even have a fucking job now. Never had a boyfriend.
Literally the only thing Ive done is graduate university and I cant even get a fucking job.
Ive struggled in everything ive ever done. School. Hobbies. Uni. Work. Job Applications. Appearance.
The only time ive ever been hit on is at clubs. I just hate seeing other people my age succeed and do well in life. Even people who are 17-18, have had more experiences then me. I hardly go out. Ive spent 90% of time at home alone with my elderly parents.
I try so hard, but Im still a loser and I hate it. Im not introverted and I just hate how my life has become. I hate it..I do. I feel like I must be such damaged goods that its too late to get better. These last 6 years in particular have flown and Im just so fucking done.
Its not like Ive tried. For 2 years Ive tried joining groups, volunteering etc to improve my situation but i get nowhere. No one wants a bar of me.
There is this little person jumping inside me wanting to live, but my brain and heart is just so done. | I'm 31 and I complain all the fucking time LMAO... Don't ever think that your age means that you shouldn't complain, as a matter of fact complaining is the soul reason we realize that we need a change in our lives.
Think about the things that you do that do bring you even a shred of happiness. Once you have that list (even if it's only one thing) you list out the things you do on the regular that you feel bring you any kind of negativity. Once you have that list, you sort it out, give each negative thing a strict position on that list from biggest culprit to smallest. Now comes the hard part, change.
By all means don't do this alone, if you need to talk to your parents. They can be the best tools to help put you in the right direction. You may even find that there's more things that you enjoy doing then you thought. Focus on those things, but don't depend on them, that's a good way to start hating doing that thing.
I know how difficult it is to even bring yourself to do something to help yourself. But sometimes you're all you've got, and the first person to enact the change that's needed.. |
Today I got told that “You only get depressed because you aren’t grateful for the things that you already have.” | It's such a confusing statement because all it does is create guilt and/or accuse someone of having no awareness.
Like damn, I'm aware of what I have and I'm grateful for it. But this is a separate issue entirely. |
Hello.
Ever since I was little, I've been very emotional. As time has passed and I've been able to understand better the world around me, I find disgust. I dislike how everything is money and manipulation and how you can't do anything if you don't play along. My family is broken and I can't share my feelings with anybody, and when I do is usually with my mother and she always makes me feel worse, or guilty about everything. I feel like an idiot.
I used to go to therapy before the pandemic, it was quite good but sadly my doctor passed away due to old age. I'm not in a place right now where I can pay therapy. I'm also not motivated. I just want everything to end. I want to stop being me. I don't want these memories anymore.
Thanks for getting until the end. | It’ll get better OP I’ve been there before as well. You just need to find a special person and talk to them. An old friend perhaps. And if that’s not an option, talk to me just make sure you say you are from this sub or I will be extremely abrasive and think you are a bot |
Working with depression is so so painful. | 65 hours a week and mandatory overtime.. I have no energy |
I’m 20 but I feel exactly the same as when I was 16. It’s so frustrating and pathetic. There’s so many things I’ve missed out from what other teenagers would experience and I’m just never going experience those things in the same way. Like having a crush in school/sixth form/college. Waiting for their classes to finish so you can see them, spending time together in between lessons, studying with each other, catching the bus together then doing it again the next day | I feel the same way. I'm 19 and people always think I'm older but I had no friends in my life so I didn't get any of the typical experiences. Now when I meet new people or am at work or school I always feel like I'm just not equal to other people because I don't feel like an adult in my head. |
I don't want advice. I don't want to hear that my problems aren't a big deal while you stand there with your success stories and your dating histories and your loving partners. I don't want to hear your stories about how you found your SOs when this is specifically a major part of what's wrong with me; literally a simple "this is what helped me" would be nice, not trying to make me feel worse. I don't want to hear the same bullshit about loving myself. I barely even have the energy to write well. I want to vent about how much I hate myself. How FUCKED UP I am.
I've lost 10 years, maybe more than that to porn addiction. I don't know if I walked in on my parents or if I was exposed to sexuality at a young age. But I've been masturbating since long before I even hit puberty. And then I discovered porn. Which leads me to now. A porn addict trying to break his habits by only masturbating 3 days a week... and then that's only turned into masturbating *multiple* times a day. It's fucked my relationships up. I can make friends, guys call me cool and women call me sweet. But I just... I'm too scared to escalate sexually and romantically. I can't stand up for myself so people walk over me. I'm afraid of taking risks. I'm a virgin at almost 23. I do not have a car, can't even drive. Never held down a job. Trying to lose weight but making no progress. Never been to a bar. Only been to one party. Never hooked up. Never had a relationship. The only things I have going for me are my writing and my drawing, and even then I'm losing interest in those as well. I don't blame women. I don't blame men either. It all lies with me.
My family isn't any better. I've tried talking about this to them multiple times. I can predict exactly what they say: "this too shall pass", "believe what you want to believe" "if you believe it won't happen, it won't." Yeah, great. Thanks for the "help." And then there's the verbal abuse from my narcissistic shrew of a mother and the complete apathy of my father, who constantly tells me he'll have my back but never seems to step up when I truly need him... but he IS happy to yell at and threaten me every time I try standing up for myself against my mother. Every time I try to leave, they threaten to call the cops. I have nowhere to go, no source of income.
I am a fucked up, broken, weird piece of trash who drags the few people who care for him down with his negativity. They're better than me, none of them deserve me. I feel this void in the center of my stomach and heart wherever I go, and now that I've spent all day reading through reddit (seriously, every time these moments of depression happen, ***EVERY*** post I see has to be about sex and dating and relationships), I feel even worse. So much worse than yesterday. I can't forgive myself for the thing's I've done in the past. I sabotage myself every single time. In my worst moments I have these thoughts, these fucking FANTASIES of tying a wire to my neck and the other end to a car, and then letting the wire hang me and hopefully cutting my head off.
All I do is exist. I can't live like this. Normally I don't feel suicidal. But now the thoughts are coming back. Wanna know the funny thing? If I die, people will just go "that sucks, pass the apple juice", chalk me up to a statistic, and forget. Because nobody gives a shit about worthless men who can't keep up with the rest of them.
I don't even know why I wrote this. Nobody is going to notice or care. People rarely do anyways.
**EDIT: I'm seeing a therapist online.**
**EDIT 2: I can't say I'm feeling better than I was yesterday when I posted this, but... a Platinum, a Gold, Silvers, so many kind comments... I truly don't know what to say. I wasn't expecting this to get so much traction, and I'm so close to crying at seeing so many people reach out and...** ***care***. **I'll try and respond to everyone when I can. Just... thank you, everyone. For helping me feel a bit less alone.**
**EDIT 3: Well... I don't know what to say. I was okay for a few days after posting this. Now the weight in my chest and the bad thoughts are creeping back in again. They just... are. Every single time I think I'll get better, and then nothing at all.**
**It's like my body wants to be depressed. Now I'm just... fighting myself. I want to surrender.** | Just know at this moment at least 75 people did give a shit enough to read that. You aren't alone dude.
Edit: I'm glad to see that you are seeing a therapist. |
I just want to stop existing, no one would have any memories of me, nor feel sad as they wouldn't have known me.
Is it so bad to say, I didn't ask to be here, my life is shit and hard, I'm very sad and I just don't like this "life" game. I just want to go back to my pre birth state of not existing. | Only reason I don’t kill myself is because of the negative connotation about it I don’t want a fucking pity party |
I think about it a lot. My mom has a friend of hers who has 2 kids. One is in an Ivy League school and the other is going to a nice university. They both get good grades, have a social life, and know where they're going in life.
Meanwhile my mom got stuck with a total wastoid that sits around all day on his phone. I don't drive, don't have a job, don't really wash myself unless it's been a few days or I have to go out somewhere. I have severe ADHD and don't really do well taking basic classes. I just feel so guilty that this is what my mom gets to deal with. She always tells me about how it was such a magical moment when I was first born. And I just think "if only she knew how I would turn out." It wasn't her fault, though. She is such a loving caring person. She didn't deserve this.
Anytime my dad comes home from work I have trouble even looking him in the eye because I know I'm probably such a disappointment in his eyes. I act normal around him but the anxiety and dread is always there in the background. I wish I could just kill myself and end the bullshit, but that would just hurt them even more. No matter what I do, everybody loses. | Most of my cousins are/were honor students and participated in a lot of extra curricular activities. One of them just got a scholarship. I dropped out of high school in 12th grade (yeah my grades were that bad) and I work a part time job at a grocery store at 21. I’m riddled with depression and anxiety and I can’t even act normal around my mom. How can I when I know how much stress I cause her |
Still want to die. Still a worthless, unemployed piece of shit with no potential. Still a burden to everyone in my life.
Edit: went to bed after writing this post (I say bed because actually going to sleep is a rare occurrence) and did not expect so many replies. Thank you for your kind words.
Edit 2: I'm in tears right now. I really didn't expect this kind of response and I'm feeling both grateful and a bit overwhelmed. I've been at the bottom of this hole for at least 4 years and things seem to be getting worse. Letting this out felt so good and I'm truly touched by everyone's comments. I'll be honest, I just don't have the energy to reply to everyone, but I appreciate this community so much. | Today you looked after yourself. Self care is important. You are worth looking after. |
I've had a bunch of stuff happen to me in the past month. I got appendicitis and surgery; still recovering. Accidentally twisted my ankle. I got a cold, which I'm still fighting. However, none of that seemed to be enough for people to give me a break from emotional labor; they demand it from me 24/7, practically. Not asking for advice, really just ranting. These are just a few examples.
I had my sister calling me talking about her boyfriend who just drinks all the time and does nothing, and she was complaining about how she hates where she works. I tell her to get rid of the man and get a job somewhere else. It wasn't as short as it sounds. I listened to her and gave her serious advice, though I know she won't take it because she never does. Instead of thanking me, no one ever does, she tells me that it's easy for me to tell her to just get another job because I don't have one and can just sit around and sleep. Well, thanks, I just love sitting around and thinking about my crappy life; it is a positive joy. We hadn't spoken until her son ended up in an issue and, of course, the family therapist (me) gets a text, asking me to talk to her son and try to get him to listen to "reason". I agree just because I know my nephew doesn't get good support from her. Come to find out, she's mad because he's dating some girl who has a kid already. I can't say it's great at his age, but he's also an adult, so I just told him to be careful, watch out for emotional abuse, and reminded him of his last relationship, which was like a copy of his mom's relationships; she doesn't realize he gets his bad examples from her. After talking to him, his mom texts me and is like, "I'm getting off work in a few hours, I'll call and we can do a three-way call and talk to him." Nowhere did she ASK me if this was okay, didn't ask if I was busy or anything, but as with most of my family, since I'm at home, I never have anything important to do, so they just tell me to do stuff instead of asking, like I'm a human being. I tell her I texted him and I was still recovering and needed to sleep. She didn't ask me what I was recovering from, if I was okay, nothing. Just said, "Okay, night."
My niece had trouble at school and she's a lot like my sister, unable to let go of things. She's upset because some girl at school wants to fight her because my niece took her chair. A chair this girl wasn't using, mind you, but that was just sitting next to her. My niece calls me, upset and frantic over this because the girl won't let it go and went to the office and had my niece called out of class because the girl wanted an apology. My niece refused because she said she hadn't even done anything and she went to the principal, who told her that the girl is known for "keeping things going", so she wouldn't be bothered again, but my niece wouldn't get off the phone until I promised to stay up until she got out of school in case they call her into the office again and she wanted me to talk to them. A huge reason I don't have kids is so I don't have to deal with the stress of dealing with teachers and other parents, yet I have to be a parent to my niece because my sister won't be. Mind you, I had just come back from the doctor, had been hopped up on pain meds and wanted to do nothing, but sleep. I forced myself to stay awake, but thankfully, no one called.
Then, my sister calls me and is crying, telling me how much she wants her boyfriend to leave the house. So, I don't say anything and just let her talk. Finally, she's like, "I just don't know what to do or how to get him out of my house." I told her to call the police; she doesn't want to get him in any more trouble because he has a DUI because he drinks and drives. SHE allows him to drink and drive her car, because he doesn't have one and doesn't have a license. I won't even touch how stupid that is. So, I get frustrated with her and tell her that I keep telling her how to get rid of him and she never listens, so I don't know what she wants me to do. She acts like I offended her and is like, "I just called to vent, can't I vent, sometimes?" I tell her that she can, but I'm tired of getting calls almost every week about this man; I'm not her therapist or life coach or anything, I'm barely hanging on by a thread a lot of days and hearing about this situation distresses me because, even if I don't like her very much, I don't want to hear about anyone dealing with this type of stuff. Not to mention, her best friend was killed just a few months ago by her boyfriend who was abusive and drunk a lot... make him leave before he gets to that point. Anyway, she accuses me of making it about me and hangs up. Maybe I did make it about me, but I want people to understand that I am not a therapist and I cannot fix their issues and I'm not emotionally well enough to take on all this stuff. I'm not sure anyone is, tbh.
Finally, we come to today. My mother had to take me to the doctor because I couldn't get there on my own and need support to get there. We're talking about normal stuff, then she's like, "Aren't you tired of just sitting at home and doing nothing? You really need to get out and get a life." I don't ever like talking to my mom about my mental health because she acts like it's a phase that should have been over in my teens and she doesn't understand why I'm "letting it bother me" as an adult. I'd like to mention, she has horrible anxiety, as well, but she powers through it to work, at least, it still takes over her life. She also doesn't do much outside of the house and has no life, but when I point that out, she brings it back to me. Anyway, I tell her I just paid all the bills and since the bills got higher, I don't have money to have a life, even if I wanted to. So, then, she's like, "If you get a job, you'd have more money." I know this, but I have tried many times to hold a job; I cannot do it for more than a few days without having panic attacks and breakdowns, which either end up with me leaving or getting let go, which then leads me into a deep depression. She acts like I don't try and this is even with medicine and therapy. Sometimes, I'm sure the main reason none of this works is because I'm around my family, but I never tell them that because I don't want to deal with that fallout. At this point, I'm just tired of the conversation, so I don't respond. Then, she brings up how I need to get some friends, at least... says the woman who literally has one friend and who got upset at my aunt for going out without her, even though she never goes anywhere when she invites her. Heavy eyeroll. Anyway, I tell her that I've tried to have friends; it's not my fault they don't put effort in and either they end up not talking or I fade out because nothing is happening. She asks me why I don't hang out with the people I met last summer. The two girls I met last summer were nice, but one would rarely go out with us because she would rather stay in with her boyfriend, which left me and the other girl. We hung out a few times, but then she got a new trivia group and stopped texting me back, so I stopped texting her and let that fade out. This happens too often, so I stopped trying to make friends. I tell my mom that I don't talk to them anymore, and she's like, "That's your problem, you don't try and cut people off so quickly." I texted the second girl every day for a week; she wasn't working at the time and she was always posting snaps, so I knew she was available, I wasn't going to keep texting for no reason. I try to have boundaries and get crapped on for them. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people who will keep trying and trying and trying when I see things obviously aren't going along, anymore. She then goes into this long story about how she met her only friend and how they only talk like once a month, but they are still good friends and I need to be more "realistic" with friends. What good is a friend whom I only talk to for 10 minutes once a month and hang out with, maybe once every three months? If that works for her, great, but that's not "getting a life" or anything else. Plus, I have a history of getting friends and then I become the "therapy friend" and I fade away because all they ever do is come around to dump their problems on me and get advice, then I don't hear from them for months, when something else is going wrong. That's not friendship, to me.
And go back to my mom and my aunt. My aunt is mad at my mom for "checking up on her" at her age and, of course, I get pulled into it because my mom is being childish and won't talk to my aunt, so I've been designated the go-between, but I never said I would be. They are 20+ years older than me, why am I even in this?
I don't know. I'm just tired of being everyone's therapist and mediator. I keep trying to explain how draining it is. They obviously see I have my own issues, but they continually pour their issues onto me, expect sincere, helpful, empathetic responses, but let me feel bad or need something and everyone is busy or doesn't answer their phones or I get "advice" that isn't helpful. My niece and nephew would probably talk, but I don't want to burden them with my issues; their mother does that to them enough, and they complain about it, to me, of course. What is it about me that makes everyone think I'm a therapist? Plus, none of them pay me for my services. That probably makes me more upset than anything; if I was a real therapist, I'd probably be rich off all these "sessions", lol. | ...it is at times when I have been made to feel the least important due to external influences, that I am forced to turn inward and try to repair some of my own self-importance.
i know how hard it is to not have someone with which to speak. |
No one listens to me. They think I'm a joke as soon as they meet me. But I grew up in The West so when I go back to where my parents are from I can't even understand the language. I'm so alone.
I was attacked on the street yesterday. Punched in the face by some random guy. He called me a kung fu b*tch then ran away. No one did anything. No one cared.
I hate this stupid world. I hate the people. I hate my eyes. I hate how everyone thinks I'm a foreigner or a virus. I don't belong in the country I was born and raised in. I don't belong in the country my parents are from. I don't belong in this world.
I don't belong on this planet.
I don't belong anywhere.
Not in this life.
I hope death is like sleeping so I can dream forever. I want to float on a cloud up into the sky and just fade into the deep dark black of the void. I want to be away from all the loud people. I want to be away from all the hurt and loneliness. I want to be away and dream nice things of love and joy and warmth and laughter and music.
Not this cold and permanently gray world.
The sun doesn't shine for me. It only burns my eyes and tells me they have marked me as unwanted.
I want to die. | We can be friends if you want |
One minute you’re fine and the next you feel so down that you can’t even get up or think or do anything and all for NO FUCKING REASON. Like nothings wrong but you just feel so down FOR NO REASON. It legit makes no sense.
Update: everyone relating to this actually made me feel a little better, so thanks to everyone. I hope you guys feel better. | Tell me about it. I get sick of never knowing what mood I'm gonna be in from minute to minute. I'm out at a bar with friends and all I can think about is going home and being alone. I hate this shit. |
Anonymity really does bring out one's true self | It is a much easier for us to express our feelings here where nobody knows us and nobody's going to judge I guess |
Posting this on a few subs because I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve reached my breaking point.
Im so tired. I’m so tired of existing. I’m so tired of being mad. I’m so tired of being tired. It’s pathetic. I’m a 25 year old adult who’s stuck living at home with my family. I can feel myself falling apart and I’m reaching the point where I’m finally just going to take myself out of this shitty game called life, or I’m going to end up cutting ties all together with my family, which is where I’ll probably sink. If it’s sink or swim out in the big world.
I am holding on to so many grudges. From so many years. That I clearly can’t cope with in a healthy way. My heart hurts so much but I’m such a glutton for punishment that I can’t bring myself to stop carrying around all this hate. And it is absolutely one hundred percent consuming me alive. I’ll try and use brackets to section off my thoughts since I doubt anybody cares enough to actually read this all the way through.
{My thoughts on my father}
{{{{As an adult now. I realize that I spent probably the first 18 years of my life. Living in literal fear of my pseudo racist father. I still remember being 6 years old or so and hearing my mother scream for my brother because my father was choking her in their bedroom. Was a big steroid fan back in the day. I spent most of my middle school and high school career grounded from one semester to the next one because I frequently got C’s in school which my parents would ground us for. Even one C on the report card and it was grounded for the rest of the semester. I still remember getting in trouble so badly for lying about doing my homework, not even so much for not doing my homework. But it was distinctly about lying about it. My father was beating me in our dining room and at one point was physically choking me against the wall, and I remember my mother saying “well Don’t choke him (insert name)” and him looking straight at her with his hands around my neck saying “I’m not choking him” I still remember that same night him having to come in my room to change my ice packs on my swollen face and how petrified I was that the gameboy sp I was playing was flung off the bed in a room with no carpet because I was certain I was going to get beat again. I remember going to school the next and having to tell my teachers (because all six of them forced me to stay after class and talk about it) that I was playing football with my brother and fell on a sprinkler. Funny how their response to me lying about homework was to in turn go to school and lie about why half of my face was swollen and black. I remember the first time i was ever caught shoplifting (was obviously my last time doing it too) when my dad came to pick me up, he was already so nasty to me before leaving the store that the police threatened to not let me leave because he was already trying to hit me in front of them.
But you know. Now that I’m an adult and have been jumped literally just because of my sexuality. If I’m going to get my ass beat I’m going to get my ass beat. I’m just not living in fear anymore. }}}}
{my thoughts on my brother}
{{{{Which brings me to my brother. Who as of lately might as well be dead to me. We have not currently spoken since April, and as far as I’m concerned we probably won’t ever speak again. Let’s start with me saying I feel like my brothers relationship with me has always been from the start. Me bailing him out when he needs it. I remember being in elementary school and him getting to go back to sleep after my mother woke us up for breakfast and would leave for work, because it was my job to “wake him up after rugrats” when he was about 12 or 13 he got mixed up with a bad neighborhood kid and ended up almost lighting an entire house on fire in our neighborhood. The police officers were nice enough to offer him the deal that if you stay out of trouble until you’re 18 this will be completely removed off your record with no trace of it ever even happening. Sure enough he starts smoking weed in high school (which is back when it was HIGHLY frowned upon) and guess who had to take every single drug test for his four years of high school. My dumb ass. Bailing him out again. Until finally he got caught coming back late from lunch (upper class men were at the time allowed to leave campus for lunch) and he came back with a hotboxed car and didn’t air it out. So when the principle stopped him to ask why he was late she was literally hit with a cloud of smoke. My brother was the sole reason my high school was no longer allowed to leave campus for lunch. My brother and father have always had an awful relationship too obviously all this places even more tension on it, and eventually lead to him either being kicked out or leaving. I don’t remember which. Being on the streets on his own he was arrested more times for carrying stupid large amounts of weed on him because he sells it, and eventually got charged I think with robbery. Then to top it all off, a few years ago my brother got mixed up in the flocka epidemic. And of course there’s my dumbass bailing him out again being forced to put two stolen bikes in my car and drive him to Miami.
When I first started realizing how much I hated him was I think my senior year of high school. My parents had gone out of town leaving him in charge. I remember distinctly it was the night before vans warped tour he’s in a huge fight with his at the time girlfriend, because he was literally hitting either her, or her and/or her kid. And I remember he stormed into my room flinging open the door trying to use me as an excuse “isn’t this okay because it’s what dad used to do to us. “ of course having a criminal record he couldn’t find a job and was on probation at my parents house and because nobody wanted to hire somebody with his record they literally gave him a fucking job at the company my father works for. This job is 15$ an hour, gets benefit and vacation days. I on the other hand spent years being treated like shit in jobs. Two years ago I worked for quiksilver over the course of about a year, finally left because they told me and a coworker that we were the ones being considered for management and yet they brought in two outside hires after the second one the other coworker had the sense to leave. My dumb ass stayed thinking well now that she’s gone it’ll look better on me. Which is when they brought in another outside hire. Who I was eventually cool with. I just stopped offering to do the management work for sales associate pay. Until I finally got so fed up that I transferred to GameStop because they were willing to start me as a keyholder since I already had basic management training. So two years trying to work for a manager only to be shit on by my parents because it’s not full time and “at your age your brother worked full time” at my age y’all gave him a fucking career because nobody wanted to hire a literal criminal. Anything I do It’s just never going to be good enough.
Let me talk about our most recent altercation, because it’s a fantastic transition into my mother, as of last April I was unfortunately unemployed thanks to this whole virus outbreak, and of course that sets off my family members because I sleep all day while they work. So my mother asked me on April 20th the day before my birthday (a day that I was operating on approximately 2 hours of sleep because I’m always up all night) if I could go help my brother in the warehouse where he works because he really needs it. I have already had altercations with my brother there from helping him a previous time. It was so bad that they sent me home early. So being there in general makes me uncomfortable. Even when I go in to help my dads department. So of course I didn’t want to help which wasn’t an acceptable answer to my mother and after about the 5th time of her saying something obviously I snapped and agreed to which she responded “forget it” and slammed my door shut. (It should be noted that in my mother’s defense I’m a nightmare to wake up because of how little I sleep. There are times I wake up and am in a fight with my mother because she apparently tried to wake me up and I was nasty, meanwhile I have literally no recollection of even speaking to her ) so my dumb ass trying to bite the bullet agrees to go work for eight hours in a hot sweaty warehouse with barely any ac on my birthday of all days. I woke up that morning still mad about the fight I had with my mother the day prior because I feel like as a grown ass adult I should be allowed to say no I don’t want to do something.
Get to the warehouse work the shift, I leave at five, which apparently was a mistake because I wasnt supposed to leave until 5:30 which I thought was fine because 1) I genuinely thought they left at 5 every day and 2) I didn’t take a lunch break because I was hoping if we happened to get everything done early we would just be able to leave. Obviously that was wrong and I got a shitty passive aggressive text message from my brother.
Having already been in a bad mood from my fight with my mother the day before partnered with my brother annoying me after I had left I stopped by aunts house to vent because I was literally seeing red. Wasn’t even planning on going home for my birthday because I just didn’t want to be around any of them.
The next day comes and I don’t show up because not only did I not want to be there, but when I had gotten there the day before another employee of that company said “we don’t know if we’ll need you tomorrow or not yet” so I just didn’t bother to show up because if y’all needed me you should have worked that into your text message when you were being an asshole in my opinion. So of course my petty ass isn’t going to show up. My brother comes home through the door doesn’t even put his shit down and is in my face screaming at me for not showing up “why should I have to explain to my boss why you didn’t come” “why do you get to sleep all day while we work I’m sick of it” turning to my mother “I’m sick of him aren’t y’all sick of him” (to which she agrees probably just trying to get him to calm down, but I won’t ever for a second forget you just said you were sick of me. ) and of course I’m running my mouth back in return, which is when he decided to put his hands on me, shoving me literally to the floor. And this is about where I Black out with anger because I had my Nintendo switch in my hand. The limited edition no longer in production animal crossing themed one at that. So obviously I’m pissed and yank his PlayStation out of the wall and slam it on the ground. You can skip the next parentheses part if you don’t care about why a stupid video game console made me so upset.
(A detour to mention about these video game consoles. My brother and I used to exclusively use Xbox but I made the transition to the PS4 when it came out. My brother didn’t. I had been asking for a PlayStation 4 since they came out for both my birthday and Christmas for I think like two years. Until the year my brother spent Christmas in jail because he was addicted to flocka. When my mom finally bailed him out because she felt like he was actually clean, he got a PlayStation 4. When I asked why he got one and I didn’t despite it literally being the only thing I asked for as a Christmas gift, she said “well he wasn’t here for Christmas so I had to make it special.” I think I eventually got the PlayStation for my birthday the following year. But this fucking switch man. I swore up and down when I was a GameStop employee that they were going to make an animal crossing version and they all laughed at me said if it was going to happen it would have already and talked me into buying just a standard switch instead. Low and behold a few weeks later the animal crossing one is announced and I’m lowkey heartbroken that I just spent a majority of my money on the standard one. I eventually get myself so worked up over it that I asked my mom to front me the money to buy the new system, and I will give her 200 when I sell my switch and the rest from my next paycheck. She’s talking some I can’t I don’t have that kind of money, which would have been totally fine. I was just embarrassed that I not only put my pride away to ask for money, but was also upset enough about not getting the animal crossing one to even be in this situation. So whatever whatever we end up agreeing on if I sell the console first and give her the two hundred she will give me the rest. Where as I was only asking her for the front because I didn’t want to risk selling my console before the new one came out and risk then not having a console at all. Especially since I had already missed like two years of the switches lifespan. So obviously I’m super thankful to my mom and I literally spent like two days thanking her and talking to her about it, only for me to find out that she had given me my own money. I don’t know what it was for, possibly my unemployment since the console came out around the time the virus was starting to flare. And at that point all I can keep thinking is wow. You really kept my own money from me, made me gamble on being able to find a limited edition console without a preorder. And told me you couldn’t loan me anything. That makes me so mad. How are you going to lie about my own damn money. Serves me right I guess for not being adult enough to stop using our joint bank account.)
Anyway. I slam his PlayStation on the ground after he put his hand on me the first time we get into a screaming match in his room to which I say something along the lines of “you’re allowed to knock my switch out of my hand so why should you expect any different of your PlayStation” to which he responds (talking out of his ass) “well you didn’t pay for it mom did!” Jokes on you asshole not only did I pay for it entirely with my money but our mother literally withheld my own money from me and made it more difficult for me to get an already difficult to get console. This ends up with him coming back into my room because everyone in my family (myself included) has to have the last word in argument. Which leads to him putting his hands on me a second time except this time since there’s not a 400$ gaming system in my hand I pull his disgusting ass down with me.}}}}}
This whole fight somehow ends with me being kicked out of my house by my mother.
{my thoughts on my mother}
{{{{Fun fact. Maybe about a week before this my mother was begging me to stop going out despite taking precautions with a mask and specially made sanitizer consisting of primarily alcohol. Because they had a friend in critical condition from covid. This is the same woman who threw her kid out into streets during the first peak of this epidemic. (I’m in Florida so it is at this moment higher than that first peak because Floridians are trash) so I spend the next three or four day sleeping in my car doing whatever trying to manage on my own, spending what little money I had fixing the joycon drift on my switch that was non existent until my brother attacked me with it in my hand. One thing leads to another and I eventually end up back home. I asked my mom if we could start family therapy because I’m literally holding onto grudges that I don’t know how to let go of. She says when all of this is over but I’m positive she’s forgotten about it and it might very well be what causes me to cut her out all together.
A few days ago me and my mother got into a huge arguement because she woke me up to ask me to take her to firestone to pick up her car(I’m exhausted but totally not a problem to me at all) so I get right up get dressed grab my keys and when I walk out of my room she goes “are you ready now I’m not in a rush or anything” I was a little annoyed by the stupid question I’ll admit, like you just two minutes ago came into my room to wake me up and ask me to take you. Yes I’m ready to go lol. Otherwise I’d still be asleep. She of course takes my flat response (a slight mixture of both my annoyance and exhaustion) as me being in a bad mood. So we get into my car and she’s overreacting because my car is a little shaky (which I’m almost positive is just because I need air in my tires) talking some oh my god we have to pull over what if you have a flat. Like we definitely would know if we were driving on a flat tire. It’s been doing this since like the second week I got this car. So I’m just sitting there trying to get to the destination as fast as possible trying to hold my tongue and not cause a fight when she sets me off and says something along the lines of “you’re in a bad mood because I asked you to take me” my response being “oh what I’m in a bad mood because I got right up to do something you asked me to do???” which fucking infuriated me and caused a screaming match in my car. I don’t understand why she has this god complex where she thinks she gets to tell other people how they feel about something. She did it to me on my birthday too which I forgot to mention and am now too lazy to go back and add in. But like it drives me crazy. I don’t care if they’re right wrong or somewhere in between. Nobody has the right to decide how somebody feels about something except for that person. So when I sit there and tell you I’m not mad and you tell me “yes you are mad that’s why you’re being shitty” that’s a self fulfilling prophecy right there. Of course that shits going to make me mad. If you’re just going to decide I’m in a bad mood for me then shit I guess I’m in a bad fucking mood then.
So this screaming match in my car leads to her saying “I hope something happens to your car, and when it does DONT call me”. I will never ever in a million years forget she said that to me. I hope that when something does happen to my car, I’m inside of it, I hope it’s something fatal, and I hope she has to live with it for the rest of her life. And then of course after our screaming match she sends me a passive aggressive text message (because apparently my family is famous for doing that shit) talking some I won’t be screamed at in a car that I bought you, you are SO disrespectful the next time you talk to me like that you can find a new place to live! (As if she didn’t kick me out when I was 16, and 18, and 23. Like clearly I can manage in my car bitch try me. I would rather starve to death on the streets than feel like I need help from someone who treats me like shit) Skip the parentheses if you don’t care about context with my car history
(Both me and my brother were fortunate enough to get cars for our 16th birthday. The difference between us is my brother has wrecked I think 2 cars my parents bought him, one car they gave him because my mom got a new car (which that one he wasn’t at fault for but still it’s a car to add to your tally) and ruined one of my dads trucks that he was using for whatever reason one day. I on the other hand drove the same car that I had since I was 16 until literally this year when I turned 25 and was given a new one. But honestly my parents had been trying to buy me another one for a few years I just fought them on it because I didn’t want a new car which I will explain why later. )
And then now just today, we are in another arguement because I think last night, my brother walked out our back gate to go sell drugs in our mailbox because he thinks he’s cool and tough and can handle jail as if he isn’t literally crying “mommy bail me out” when he’s in there. As he’s going out he knocks over the ashtray I had been using over there (which was admittedly in the walkway but only because that particular night I was in a hurry to relocate under my backyard awning because it was raining and I had all my technology on me) but when he walks back he has the nerve to say to me “your ashtray is knocked over “ as if i wasn’t outside and heard him kick it over like I’m supposed to lean up after him. Despite us having literally not a said a word to eachother since April. So I hid the ashtray that he normally uses with the mindset of “if he needs an ashtray he’ll have to go over and clean up the one he kicked over.” Only for me to find that my mother ended up being the one to clean up his mess. Which of course infuriated me. And then she had the nerve to defend him in a text message after we got into an arguement about it. “Well it is your ashtray...” okay did I kick over my ashtray or did my brother. Because that’s the person who should have cleaned it up was who knocked it over.
In regards to my mother specifically it hurts me the most. Because I often at times feels like she’s the only one out of the 3 of my immediately family that I could have a relationship with or that I actively want to have a relationship with and that bridge is so close to being burnt to a crips. I don’t want to appear ungrateful because as a mother she does go above and beyond. I’ve been spoiled sure. But my problem with it is, I feel like my mother only gives as much as she gives so that she has ammunition to hold over peoples head. I fought her for YEARS about getting a new because I knew she would just hold it over my head. Which obviously I was right about. I remember being kicked out when I was 18 because I wasn’t working and i had just gotten kicked out of college and she said leave your keys pack your stuff and find somewhere to live. So I did set off with no car no money no nothing ended up being taken in by my best friends family. Spent a year or two there, and I literally did not get my car back (the same one she had given me at 16) until the girl I was living with literally called her in tears asking if we could just borrow it so we could go see her mother who was in the hospital because she needed brain surgery. LITERAL BRAIN SURGERY was the only reason I got my car back. And it still took my friend like two or three times of asking my mother for her to let me use my car just to take her to see her mother.
My father has always babied me and let me get away with more than he lets my brother get away with I can admit that. The problem with it is, that because I don’t feel the same type of yearning for a relationship about my father that I do about my mother I don’t really care about him favoring me. And because my dad tends to let me get away with more my mom feels like she has to let my brother get away with more, which in turn causes me to always just feel like I’m chasing my mother’s approval or some shit. }}}}
{thoughts on my own disgusting self}
It’s only been recently that I’m starting to come around to my father and that’s only because I think I’m starting to hate my mother.
I know I probably sound ungrateful and entitled. And I can see why. But I am truly thankful for how privilege I’ve been and all that I’ve been given. But I don’t know how to not feel the way that I feel about these things.
And that’s not to say I’m perfect either. I’ve caused plenty of problem for my family. So let me just skip to all my flaws now.
When I was a kid like before I could even start kindergarten I was literally already sucking dick. My next door neighbor ( my brothers age at the time) used to make me do it to him and I used to agree because he was considerably nicer to me when I do would so. He was already a problem child too but that’s neither here nor there. I was pretty much only sucking him off because my brother always hated when I would hang out with him and his friends, and the neighbor always let me hang around (for obvious reasons) distinctly remember my brother catching us a few times but I guess nothing was ever done about it. Not even sure if my parents know about it.
But as an adult I can see that’s where I started getting fucked up. Idk if I necessarily blame my neighbor for me being gay, because I do firmly as a gay man believe that it’s just who you are and can’t be changed, but I feel like there will literally always be a part of me that questions it. Like what if I wasn’t sucking dick at five years old, would I be interested in girls? I remember having a crush on at least two different girls before i met (what I now as an adult realize was probably my first boy crush) like looking back on my child hood I vividly remember playing “doctor” with other kids or truth or dare that always ended sexual and I realize like damn. That’s fucking gross we were all kids.
Fast forward to me being in I think middle school, and I was caught sexually experimenting with my cousin. I was definitely old enough to know better so I take fault there, but I also wasn’t ever the one initiating it. You know. I was letting him suck me off for longer than I can remember honestly, but I also distinctly remember I wasn’t the one initiating it. I still remember the first night at his house when he asked me to go pornhub and grilling him about how he even knows about that. I don’t remember when I started letting him do stuff to me, but I know that I shouldn’t have. I remember well enough that when he would come sleepover there were times I would opt to stay up late with my father in hopes that he would fall asleep waiting for me to come in. I remember one time I was up late and he comes walking out like 2 hours after being put to bed because he was trying to get me to come in to bed with him. But again I was the older kid in that situation. So that’s my fuck up. Obviously when we got caught it put a wedge between that side of our family. I can see why, but in hindsight I always wonder. Would you have still distanced yourself if you knew it was your son who had been initiating it? Because he was younger all the blame was pushed onto me. And I can see why. Again I should have known better.
That’s probably around the time I started getting fat. By high school at one point I was over 300 pounds and openly gay. Never had a serious relationship. Never even had someone interested in a relationship with me. I can see why. Not only was I cringey in high school but I was literally disgusting. It wasn’t till about my senior year I finally got back under 300 pounds and started losing some weight and gaining some confidence.
But here’s the kicker. Before I started losing the weight I had become a literal serial catfisher. And I’m talking like anybody you wanted to see naked I would go out of my way to target. Friends, friends boyfriends. Nobody was off limits to me. It makes me sick thinking about the hundreds of people I’ve catfished because I was horny and lonely. Catfishing even basically got me kicked out of my college ( granted I was surprisingly innocent at that time but because the kid found out about me being a catfish he refused to believe it wasn’t me, despite me literally having to show my catfish accounts to the dean and them not matching up to whoever he was talking to. The college only realized their mistake a semester or two later because the kid was immediately put on academic probation the semester following my suspension, and then got caught trying to do the same thing to another gay student the semester after that. Which is when they were like wow we were wrong we’re so sorry don’t even worry about the requirements we gave you for coming back you can just come back never did though.)
It wasn’t only until I hit maybe 22 or 23 that it like clicked with how awful what I was doing was. And started making an active effort to stop it. And I feel like I was only even willing to because I fell in genuine love with somebody I was catfishing. When I finally told him, we were fine for a few days. He told me he didn’t care that I was a guy because he fell in love with the person behind a screen. But all of that quickly crumbled to ashes. That’s another one that’s my own fault. Not only was I doing something shitty but I was also in too deep. I think I still to this day get texted from somebody I started catfishing when I was about 15 or 16 that I just am too afraid to finally tell the truth to.
But since the recent heart break I’ve thankfully been able to almost entirely remove catfishing from life save for the one guy I was in too deep with, and the old catfish accounts that I occasionally log into when I’m desperately alone/horny/whatever it may be.
I’m tired of feeling alone. I just want to be loved. I want someone to want me. To care about me.
I’m starting to realize this world is awful. Almost every thing and everyone in it is bleak. Some people genuinely want to live long happy lives, me personally, I don’t think I can make it doing this shit for another 25 years. Self deprecating jokes and suicidal humor are my biggest weapons. Because I feel like if I don’t turn them into jokes. I’ll let them overcome me. Too many people in this world are awful. I don’t want to be one anymore.
I doubt any of you will actually care enough to read this through. But if you for some unknown reason did, then I thank you. Because I could really use a friend.
TLDR; I’m a scumbag. I’m starting to think my family is scumbags, and I’m genuinely losing my will to live. I’ve been holding on to grudges that are literally consuming me and transforming me into a being of hatred and it makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t know how much longer I can do this, but god I would absolutely love to just be taken out by a bus tomorrow. | I am at a point in my life where you are right now, my friend... I'm 19 and I am just tired. Tired of everything. Emotionally worn out and no longer feel like I should follow my heart... But know that you are not alone. There are people who care about you... |
There I was minutes away from grabbing my gun, about to walk in the woods and end it. Was actually starting to feel pretty good about that too. Not having to hate myself, going through life everyday while nothing seems to make me happy anymore. Then my younger sister gave me a rock she painted for me. Blue with a guitar on it, and a moon with stars in the middle of the guitar. It said made in 2020, Love Nikole. I almost cried in front of her which is something she's never seen me do. It just hit me so hard, like beyond words. My family is very loving but they mostly keep to themselves. I just thought to myself, how could I put her and everyone else through such a thing. Spent half the night crying like a little girl, I'm 34M. Still woke up feeling like garbage, but I dunno somethings different, I guess that feeling like someone's thinking of me is helping a bit. I can't say anything to her now but in the future I'm really gonna thank her for that. I still feel like I don't wanna be here, but whereas before it was 100%, now I'm slightly on the fence about it. Hopefully this is a little inspiration for those out there thinking like me. I should probably reach out to her but things like that are so hard for me, plus then the whole family would know. Thats why i like coming here. It hurts but I feel like I must press on. | There is always someone in your life that cares about you and that will help you even if its unintentional. This is an amazing story you must love your sister and you should talk to her and remember your family cares about you no matter what. |
Now I'm not in school, can barley make rent, have no friends, family gave up on me. It's sad. It really is a travesty | Before puberty I considered myself the main character of this video game, a leg up in this life without being arrogant about it and a bright future and the power to save the world. After puberty, depression hit me hard and hasn't let go yet. It feels like an outside pressure imposed specifically to snuff out the light of my spirit. Where I could've been a hero to someone, *anyone*, but now any slight challenge or aggravation fills me with an irrational despair that causes urges toward committing aggravated suicide.
So now all my energy is spent fighting that urge and I am exhausted to the point that I feel myself disappearing and I am hollow. I'm left with the suspicion that this is all someones intention somehow.
Edit: Auto correct correction(s) |
I’ll be fine at one moment and then I Just start feeling really down and all my inner demon voices start filling my thoughts. For example last night I was watching a movie with my BF we decided to stay in order pizza, have microwave popcorn and all that jazz. BUT I noticed that he kept checking his phone and I started automatically assuming that he’s probably flirting on IG. I don’t even have proof and my mood changed super quick. I became sad and super insecure. I feel like my retroactive jealously gets really bad at times too which leads to my depression. I went to bed crying and woke up sad and angry feeling like I’m a piece of shit. I hate it. Does anyone else suffer of mini episodes like this? | Usually I'll be kind of fine for a while, then have a really bad day or two, then I'll just feel really dull not being particularly happy or sad no matter what happens.
And the smallest thing can set me off. Like maybe my pc crashes or maybe a friend cancels on me for perfectly reasonable reasons. or maybe absolutely nothings happens at all and I just randomly feel terrible. |
After years of struggling with depression and anxiety I've noticed I can't concentrate and process information as fast as I used to.
Does anybody else feel like this? | Yes. at first I thought it was temporary but it shows in my work :( |
"where do you see yourself in 5 years ? "
"what do you want to do later ?"
"what are your projects ?"
I hate these questions. Because I can't see any lights in my future, only pain, stupidity and failure.
When people tell me these questions, I just look at them stupidly, because I can't reply "in a grave, or maybe in a river, maybe the streets ? I have no idea"
These questions hurts, because it make me realize how much a failure I am, and how meaningless and absurd life is. I don't know. I wish I knew what I want to do, but I don't know.
I just want to stop this mess. | I feel this, it actually makes me angry because it reminds me how people have no clue that depression can make these questions sound absurd. |
It’s such a toxic downward spiral. My depression manifests itself as chronic indifference, loss of interest in doing anything, no hope/purpose in life, and the general malaise causes me to, perhaps worst of all, turn into a bitter, insufferable asshole. Everything and everyone bothers me to a much stronger degree. I become increasingly judgemental and dismissive of others. I lash out and hurt those close to me when I need them most. It’s like I’m a completely different person; everything sucks, everyone sucks, and I don’t want to deal with any of it.
It’s incredibly destructive but I honestly can’t help myself, as I’m too depressed to even maintain a conversation and feign interest or empathy in anyone to begin with. I used to be so charismatic, but trying to rekindle that energy again just makes me come off as janky and contrived. Again, I’m like a completely different person. Spooky. | I’m laughing in recognition. I didn’t even realize I was doing this for a long time. |
I cant anymore i really can't i feel like a real failure right now i even failed at killing myself about an hour ago lol kinda ironic i dont know what to do now or how to feel or operate next i feel so useless and i cant literally speaking i cant look my mother in the face right i just keep crying i guess i dont even now what im trying to get from writing this its just i feel really low right now i guess | Have you considered taking the GED instead? I haven't taken it, but I hear it can be much easier than finishing highschool if you struggle in school. You are not a failure! I'm sure you did the best you could, and I'm sure school has been extra crazy and difficult due to Covid, so don't criticize yourself so much. It sounds like you are making an effort to pass and if you did your best, that is all you can do. I am glad you are still here, and please, if you have any more suicidal thoughts PLEASE talk to someone you can trust, call the suicide hotline etc. Also, do you have a therapist, if not could you maybe see if your parents could get you one? Having someone to talk to regularly can really help, and a lot of them can do virtual appointments if needed. If you need someone to talk to I can talk, and I'm sure many others on social media will talk to you as well. Your life is more important than schoolwork anyday! Did you know that Einstein failed in school? And look at how successful he was! Grades and passing school do NOT measure your intelligence, your self-worth, how successful you will be, etc. There are many people who have never gone to college who make a lot more money than people who graduated with straight A's from college. School is not everything. If you don't plan to go to college, get a GED and then find a job doing something you enjoy and move on with your life. If you do plan to go to college maybe find a tutor to help you finish high school classes? My sister failed high school biology and was on the verge of failing it a second time, and they wouldn't let her graduate if she didn't pass it, and I tutored her, and it made all the difference and she passed the second time. Just come up with a plan and try again! You can do it! Thomas Edison failed many times when trying to invent the light bulb, but he eventually succeeded, and he didn't consider himself a failure at all, he saw it as a valuable learning experience to learn all the things that didn't work and why. If you fail at something, either try again, or come up with a plan to change the plan for the better so that you can succeed. Please reach out and get help you need. You are worth it! |
My parents don't understand how I could be so lazy that I never want to heat up any of my food to make it taste better -- I just think the difference in taste isn't a big enough reward for the amount of effort it takes. Similarly, grooming does not seem worth it at all unless I have to go somewhere (and even then, sometimes I just put a hat on and call it a day). I just wish my brain would reward me with happy chemicals for getting shit done, the way it's supposed to, because it feels like every day I just wake up and wait for the day to be over already. | Delayed gratification? Is all I’m here for at this point, til when waking up becomes worth it.. I hope you see better days soon op |
Good quote by Robin Williams. Story of my life basically. I'm one of the goofiest/weirdest/most outgoing people you could meet and no one would ever guess what is going on inside my head. | Oh god this hits home so hard. |
While cuddling of course.
Edit 1: I fucking love all of you
Edit 2: So many people in the US, no one is down under :( | I would absolutely love that. |
Memory has gone to shit. I can't concentrate on anything. Feeling is hard to explain but it's like I'm driving a car from the back seat. | It's the constant exhaustion. When everything is a massive drag and you have to pretend to even function, your brain is always running on low battery.
The brain is one of the biggest energy consumers in your body, and when being awake is already a task there's not much left for anything else. |
I go through life with a lingering sense of worry, fear, doubt, uncertainty, regret, and utter lack of passion or drive. I am constantly worried about something going wrong. Lack focus and passion for what I do professionally and have no confidence in anything. I feel like i am going to get exposed as a fraud and get fired and not find another gig. Toxic mix of having no confidence combined with lack of drive to do anything about it creates chronic and lingering sense of anxiety and the vicious circle continues | I know exactly how you feel dude. Been out of work for what feels like a life time. I've tried hobby after hobby. Wasted money nothing Ive stuck to. Because I stop enjoying it. Then I'm filled with guilt. I eat through too many feelings. But have no drive to change it. I tried volunteering but I stopped wanting to go out. When will anything ever fit? |
I always felt that I could have been something way better than I am now. I am barely scrapping by and spend most of my time in bed often daydreaming about how things could have gone for me if I had done things differently. | It's good that you have potential in mind, because having some kind of focus was essential, at least to me, to get my mind on babystepping towards something and trying to reach that summit. My goal was just to get a girlfriend (shallow but it worked), but it did kick me in the butt and get me to social situations that terrified me so I could practice convos.
Is there anything you wanted to do with your life, or a person you wanted to be? Are there any particular steps between where you are now and where they are that seems insurmountable? |
Nobody’s life is perfect of course but fuck. How do people just not get depressed in life? Nothing particularly bad happened to me but I’m becoming closer and more ready to ending it all
Edit: I didn’t expect this to resonate with as many people as it did. I’m sorry everyone who has to go through this as well | I don't know. I wish I knew what it was like to not want to die every day. |
There is not much else to me I guess
Edit: Thank you everyone for all your comments. I’m tired of fighting but it’s still nice to know that I’m not alone. | Same. I try to do something to distract myself. Watch a movie or draw or listen to music that isn't just going to make me even more sad. Doesn't help a whole lot but I try. |
I'll admit that even years ago I wasn't very happy and had problems, but I still miss the way I was back then. I still had things that made me happy, hobbies I enjoyed. And I actually had the motivation to do them! I could spend hours of my day doing something and completely forgetting the real world for a while. Now I can't find the motivation to do anything.
But I think most of all I miss how hopeful I was. Despite everything I fully believed that it'll get better, that the future will be a good one for me. And I've lost that completely. I don't have any hope anymore, I don't have any motivation, I don't have anything to look forward to. And I just really fucking miss that part of me | That sounds exactly like me, I have no idea how did I mess my life up 😭 |
It really is a horrible combo. I was raised to believe that there was no room for mistakes, that I won't always have someone to help me. Now, everytime something goes wrong, my entire sense of worth just leaves me.
I've been told that I'm talented at a few things, particularly writing. Yet, if I was actually talented, I wouldn't be having so much trou le with my manuscript. Mistakes literally cripple me, and make me not want do anything. For me, not trying is better than trying and failing.
EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger. | Dude I am exactly the same. I'm so terrified to start things because I feel like I'm going to fail. I'm just paralyzed. |
I'm so happy right now I completed my BA degree and I got a high mark for it overall. Those nights I stayed up paid off and I pushed through despite everything happening in my life. It was all worth it, I seriously doubted myself so many times but I did way better than I thought I would.
EDIT: Thanks for the support everyone I really appreciate it :) | Congratulations!! 🥳 That's awesome 😊 |
Its true. I may be alive but I'm not living. At this point I'm just surviving. I perished many years ago and now I'm just here. | I feel this so much. I'm in the same place...pretty much just existing till I die. |
its hard to explain but its a feeling of not wanting the pain but wanting it at the same time, i feel like depression is very comforting, even though its not supposed to be, can anyone give me ideas on what this is? | YEESSS i get that! Id rather be depressed than feel absolute nothing/boredom
Obviously my thinking/ feeling has lead to depression but thats who i am, changing that would mean changing me, so yes depression us comforting coz its what i know/ think/ feel
Donno if this helps but yea |
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