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i've started calling my girlfriends mom daniel daniel i think is a fitting name for her. i think she likes it. i recommend you make names for your girlfriends mothers aswell.
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my friend had this survey he wanted to ask (ages 1318) for a uni project as the title says, he could use your help 🙏
https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/gn9tssm
i posted mine the other day, but if you didn't see it, i would appreciate your help too;
for 1618 years olds:://docs.google.com/forms/d/1ftr1qyk0p6hrapvntnz7roeomvwgy0soxecv1xoulha/edit?chromeless=1
for 1315 years olds:://docs.google.com/forms/d/1lba_yhz5kfrolyx-pfj_desaob6rmcthzvbhcwbh3k0/edit?chromeless=1
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moms birthdaytoday's my moms birthday. she's been dead for almost a decade. i miss her evetday. i love my mom. most amazing woman alive.
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what's the point of school anyway seems like a basic rant, but here's my story.
i'm a high school freshman from an asian country that puts a lot of pressure onto the kids, and every thing is graded relatively. i got a 96% on my korean exam, and it's still a rank 3 grade.
i don't feel like i'm learning anything in school either. it's just rote memorization of random things like the number of rice bags people had to pay as taxes in the chosun period in korea.
school bores/stresses the shit out of me and the only class i can pay attention to is coding class where we learn python. idk, everything is so pointless. everyone here is just blindly unaware of these things and whenever i bring up how the school system here is shit, they just ignore me or treat it like a joke.
i wish i could learn stuff that actually mattered or interested me. i just sit through the day listening to music or reading books in school.
thank you for coming to my ded talk.
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big fat chonky vent tiem i’ve always wanted to vent but i have no one. that’s why i’m resorting to this- anyway
so here are some details
my parents divorced when i was around five i think
they never got along and i never got along with my dad. i never liked going back and forward with houses and i found it annoying and extremely unfair. i don’t care how selfish i sound saying this but i wasn’t the one that fucked up in a relationship so why should i have to go through all the pain of dealing with it. when i was around 11 i walked to my mums house from school (it wasn’t very far away) on a day that i was meant to go to my dads house. i had had enough as he never supported me with my extra curricular activities and his new evil wife would basically control him. after months and months of arguing i finally managed to stop going to my dads when i turned 12. by this time my mum had remarried. i never liked the idea of remarrying and i never liked her new husband. he had bad intentions and still has bad intentions. as my mum and her new husband moved in together, so did her new husbands two kids. they were both boys and are older than me. (i’m female) i already had a brother at this stage too so living with a male wasn’t anything new to me. this simple life went ok for a while but then my mum and my stepdad had another child. i already knew this was bad as i knew their child is gonna have to go through the same shit as i do because i could already tell that their relationship was going to end badly. i didn’t say shit tho coz my mum doesn’t like it when i have an opinion and whenever i go against something she says i’m ungrateful.
although i felt uneasy and sad all through my life of going back and forward with houses and adjusting to new lifestyles, because i was fairly young i didn’t really try and fix it much and the sadness wasn’t too much. it was only last year when i started to feel depressed properly. i remember at the start of the year i was very self conscious about my body. one night i started crying and i didn’t know why so i hid in my bathroom and basically wrote all of my feelings down on a piece of paper and hid it somewhere in my room. here are a few parts of it
“i’m starting to feel something deep in my heart. it’s like a void. a darkness trying to overcome me. i don’t know what to do. i have no friends so i can’t talk to anyone”
“everyone thinks i’m happy. everyone thinks i smile. but the thing is. i’m not happy and i don’t smile. it’s all fake. an act”
then i go on rambling about how i was bullied and how my parents broke up and shit
that was the first time i started to feel ‘depressed’
my step dad has gotten a lot more aggressive in the way he speaks and moves. he will shout at me all the time when my mums not around. sometimes he will shout when my mums around too. oh yea btw if you’re still reading it by this point, thankyou for giving a shit about my life. i’m not used to anyone giving a shit so this is a nice change i guess. ok back to what i was saying. term three last year was the scariest time for me last year. my mum and stepdad were both very angry at me as i had tried to stick up for myself. my mum then grabbed me by the throat and pushed me against a wall. i was screaming and crying at this point, as well as being suprised as although my mum gets very angry i never thought that she would physically attack me. screaming and kicking, i managed to get out of the position she had put me in and i ran down stairs where my stepdad grabbed me and was squeezing the living day out of me. it was so hard to breathe and i screamed. my mum came running down and got angry at me for distrurbing my brothers naptime. i then went to school and had to pretend that nothing happened. after school i was still very shook by what had happened and i tried to ignore my mum so she wouldn’t get more mad. she then made it seem like i was the one doing the wrong thing and i had to get over it. she apologised the next day thinking that i would forgive her. too scared to say anything otherwise, i accepted her apology and moved on.
now moving on to this year
my stepdad treats the whole family like shit and gets away with it. i tell my mum that she needs to leave him but she keeps saying it’s complicated. one night, my mum and stepdad got in a massive fight and the whole house was filled with shouting and shit. i went to bed early that night just to stay safe. i went out to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and saw my step dad stumbling up the stairs and speaking weirdly. i could tell he was drunk so i quickly ran into my room to stay safe. i then heard him swing his bedroom door open and walk in. my mum shouted “don’t touch me” and at this point i was scared out of my socks. my brother was also awake at this point too. long story short my mum, brøthër and i had to leave the house and stay in a hotel for two nights, yet my stepdad expected me to just forgive him.
i have so many stories just like this but i ain’t got the time as i am currently feeling extremely suicidal, venting my ass out while hiding in the bathroom.
i just want to run away. i want to run away to a far away place. away from my parents. away from all my toxic friends. i keep telling myself that death isn’t the answer but maybe it is. i don’t want to suffer. i know shit is just gonna get worse in the future. maybe death is the answer. i have nowhere to go and i’ll just have to spend five years locked in this prison called my parents house. i don’t want that. i don’t want to suffer. if i run away i know there gonna report me as a missing chuld and i’ll end up having to go back. i just want to disappear. i want everyone to forget i exist and start fresh.
great. i can already hear my mum and stepdad shouting as i’m typing this. when will this end.
also i ain’t gonna read through that whole thing again so sorry about any grammar
if you’ve read this far, thank-you. i appreciate it
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first i want to say that i'm 35 year old.and most, or almost all of these, years have sucked.
i feel 70 year old actually. and a defeated 70 year old.
now to main post:
i feel sad. as if my brother has died. he hasn't died, but has locked himself in a room for last few years.
he is mentally unstable, i guess. but there is no solution. we can't put him in hospital, cause he is not really crazy or whatever. he just locks himself in his room, and only comes out to get food.
its sad. its like i'm seeing him die slowly over the years, and can't save him.
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existential crisisi think one of the worst and most frustrating thing in life is being unable to set and create for yourself higher and more valuable goals to reach than just sex, money, food, pretty girls etc
are we in this world just to pursue hedonistic pleasuresthe ones who fucked the most girls, done the most parties and reached the highest level of pleasure won in life
i just can't figure it out ...
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i just lifted 300 lbs for the first time! i do powerlifting (basically competitive weightlifting) and i had a competition today! i deadlifted 300 which is my new personal best!🤩
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i seem to be the reason no one is happy...my best friend suffers from depression and anxiety. hers developed over a period of time but i've always had mental illnesses that made me depressed/anxious. she used to help me stay upbeat pretty often until hers started getting bad. at that point, i didn't want her to feel as badly as i did so i helped her. since then, the closest i've gotten to receiving help is maybe on the phone with her when i was at an extremely low point and couldn't handle being alive. she's gotten worse but she also has positive things going for her, meanwhile i've lost everything that kept me together for the past few years. so while she can say that she's going to take a day away from everyone, i can't do that.
she's popular and people love to be with and around her. i, on the other hand, am the total and complete opposite. i don't have anyone asking me when i can hang out or wanting to talk to me. the hardest thing to realize is when she admitted she had been feeling okay, it was during the stretch that she wasn't helping me anymore. it wasn't on purpose but it was convenient until it became a continuous thing that was no longer convenience.
my ex called me an attention whore and other things such as 'depressing, extremely pessimistic and a bitch' 2 days before i planned to kill myself, something he knew already when he said these things.
my old friends used me until they got what they wanted and when i wasn't enough, they dropped me and pretended like i never existed in their lives. if i see them now? it's basically the same.
to sit and listen/see everyone else happier once i got out of their lives, it's almost like they'd still be better off without me. it doesn't matter what/where i am, it's like i never existed, even though i'm trying so hard to be helpful. my parents have called me an "amazing friend" but why do i have none? why doesn't anyone want to know me? why can't i be treated like i'm actually worth something?
i want to know why, when i even remotely ask or suggest it, why doesn't anyone have an explanation to why everyone essentially just doesn't care about me...
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it's physically impossible for me to write a report for schooli've spent four days procrastinating, browsing the internet. i'm a couple days late on a report i had to write, i have an exam tuesday which decides if i can advance to my third year and yet hear i sit... i can't do it, i have no interest or internal pressure/motivation to do something. i literally corrected one word in my report. that's it... i'm wasting my life right in front of me. i should care but i don't. i should reach out but i won't. i'm so fucking done with everything
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what is the meanest thing you have ever done? idk im bored just answer if u want ig
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crawling towards the endi have the same problems... depression and add and stuff... but the worst part is i can't access any qualified psychiatrist to help me in this situation. so i guess i'll just have ro wait until something pushes me over the edge and finally i can have the sweet, sweet serenity of not existing anymore.
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if i were to take my own life, but the people around me knew i was no longer suffering everyday, would it be at all easier to accept?everyday is a constant nightmare when my brain, the thing that literally is me, wants me dead. i wake up wishing that i had died in my sleep and i find myself tempted to do something when no one is around. everything at this point just feels numb to the point where i was pretty close to grabbing a knife from the kitchen just to feel something. i feel like i’m living a constant hell and i’m sick of it. so i lose the question: i know there are people in my life who would be destroyed to see me taking my life, but would it be somewhat better knowing i wouldn’t be going through a living hell every day? i just want this horrible feeling to end. it’s every day. i just want to be free of it.
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the endsorry to post this here but it has to be somewhere. everyone warned me when i first came out as transgender that it would all fall apart eventually and they were right. they supported me at first but a year later they hate me and regret that i was born. i didn't choose to be fucking born but i can choose to fucking die. so i am, maybe life will be easier for them when their shameful tranny mistake is gone.
i hope one of my brothers doesn't find me.
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you know, having a shitty boss or parent or anyone with an authoritarian position around you is like this they're the sleeping person and you're the alarm clock. whether you do the required tasks or not, it doesn't matter. they're still going to be annoyed.
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how long do these thoughts lastfor the last 2 and a half years it's been nothing but fucking bullshit. sure i can make people laugh, sure i have some friends, but what's the goddamn point? i know these people say shit about me the second i turn around, i know that i'm an ugly bastard that's just going to be alone for a long ass time before i settle with someone who i don't find attractive just so i can say i didn't die alone. 2 and a half years of crying over nothing and wondering when it's going to start getting better. the suicidal thoughts never end, i think about it daily. i can just imagine the bastards tweeting some bullshit like "another suicide at our school, guess nobody learns" i can imagine them all saying stuff about how everyone loved me, and no one was rude. that's the only reason i haven't gone through and done it yet, because i think it would be a waste if i didn't get to see how everyone reacts and fronts on some bullshit like how much everyone loved me. i probably end up doing it anyway, just to get away and end the constant worrying about "oh i wonder if she actually likes me" "am i texting her too much" "why doesn't he stop being a cock and staring at me like he wants to fight"
anyways, sorry for such a long and rambling post, i just can't really articulate these feelings in the most comprehensive way because i'm crying haha. maybe someone here can give me a reason to not take a toaster to the bathtub.
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just need to talkbe me.
be 24.
be self-hating lazy asian bastard.
started uni in 2011. dropped out this year because i see myself with no future to fight for.
parents constantly comparing to everyone i know since i was 7.
parents constantly reminding how useless and self-inflicting stupidity i am
have no job experience and applicable skills either.
have good friends but none i feel that i can call in the middle of night for shit like this.
the only things i enjoy are videogaming, reading, and hanging out with small group of friends and that's the only time i can pretend not to be me for awhile.
even this account is a throwaway.
wanted to go out last year but couldn't because another friend of mine passed away for a different reason.
promised myself to see the year out before committing suicide. now don't think i can go past the lunar new year.
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i'd rather hate myself than anyone else, because then at least the hate won't spread.just something i thought about. someone was telling me that i can't blame myself and that, if anything, i should blame the world for having people who hurt me. this is what my response was. i don't want the world to turn into a bad place. besides, it's really my fault anyway.
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[x post from ask] help with my best friend.they said it sounds like depression... any thoughts?
long story: my best friend of almost ten years is slowly losing his life to pot. throughout school we were close saps that had almost everything in common, however slowly over the last couple years he began smoking, and this has seemed to have a negative impact on his life. he has dropped out of college, living at home, and spending most of his money on pot. we still have almost everything in common, i just do not partake, however we cant go anywhere or do anything unless he is good and high before the journey. its near impossible to convince him to leave his house, or spend any money on fun things because he seems to be broke constantly. what can i do to try and convince him to get his shit together? he was like a brother to me, and my family, but now all they do is wonder what got into him. i dont want to lose the amazing friendship we have,but i dontwant to seehislifefade to waste either. any help or advice?
tl;dr: my best friend isn't a productive ent, how can i convince him to be better?
also, i just want to say that i have nothing against weed, or those whom smoke, however when it starts to become a decline on your life, and harm your future. i know many productive friends that smoke, good on them, this is just not the case.
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someone keeps üpvöting my posts seconds after they’re made. it’s kinda sus..
so downvote to equalize it
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i'm really at a lossmy girlfriend suffers from depression and has finally started down the road to recovery, she's taking medication and has counselling sessions biweekly. unfortunately she seems to fall backwards a lot and is slipping into severe states at some points. how am i supposed to support her properly and show how much i care about her without smothering her or making her feel claustrophobic?
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reached a new limit last night.i ordered me a proper rope to hang myself with from amazon. i really decided with my lifes results over the last 5 years, that i would end it once it had arrived.
thankfully this was not an overnight delivery and today i cancelled the delivery.
its like a siren, its calling and calling me. and i wonder more and more, if resisting is worth it anymore.
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she went to sleep :( sleep well, tinkerbell
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is is 6.30pm and i just got home from school i've been in school for nearly 12h now haha fun
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my friend is telling me she wants to kill herselfshe has been depressed for years and she has attempted to kill herself what should i do i need help guys
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hospitalshas anyone voluntarily checked themselves into a hospital because of suicidal thoughts/plans? i’m anxious about going, but am at the worst i’ve been and was just wondering what happens when you go and if it helped you. thanks in advance❣️
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i have no will to live anymorei lost my girlfriend of two and a half years recently because she doesn't know how she feels about us anymore. this pretty much left me feeling like somebody had ripped every single emotion out of my body and stomped on them until they died. i've been on zoloft for a while now and it didn't really help. everyday i wake up and at least twice an hour every hour i think about ending my own life, at this point i've given myself a year to find a will to live but after that i think i'm gonna quit this pain is just too much i don't think i can endure it for much longer it is driving me actually insane. i'm starting therapy on thursday and an appointment to change meds in an hour so hopefully those can help me get through this i really don't want to die but if that's my only option to stop this pain and emptiness i think i will
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21 days since i failed an attemptenglish is not my first language so please forgive some of my mistakes in this wall of text. i need to vent somewhere tonight and this felt like the appropriate sub for it.
​
at the end of november, my girlfriend of 9 years left me because i was depressed. hated my job, hated waking up in the morning to get ready for work. she had enough of me complaining about my life and left.
​
i then spend like 7 week of just drinking every nights. on january 20. i got drunk of hard liquor and found out my ex-girlfriend was seeing someone else while she was telling me she would think things over. i said my farewell to some people over facebook, told my ex to take care of the cats and went to hang myself. somehow, it failed and i ended up on the floor for some time before a friend burst in my appartement followed by the police shortly after. they took me to the hospital and i saw a therapist the morning after. now i have antidepressants to take and i got a new job as well that i like, i'm working for a federal politician, so it's nice. i also been sober for 21 days now.
​
things have been running smoothly for like 16 days, haven't spoke to my ex since the attempt and then a few days ago she came to my place without asking. came back from work, saw her in the driveway and i drove off. she saw me and texted me she was sorry for leaving me so i took the bait, felt stable enough to speak with her. she cried for an hour, i spent one more hour to cheer her up then we cuddled a little and then she suddenly left. fastfoward to today, i'm asking her why she came back like this to leave right away and she says she can't be with me right now and needs to think our relation over again and that she might come back or she might not.
​
i'm having issue right now, and it's pissing me off for the first time in all these days that i failed to take my life. these toughts are crawling back into my head and i want to have a drink and get this done with. i feel like i'll never be whole again and this emptiness is killing me. i don't know if i should hang on, keep my hopes up ... i don't know. been reading this sub and i guess it help me think that it might not be the best decision to end it all.
thanks for reading me.
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im new hereim sorry but i hate it when people relate depression to drowning. or sinking. when drowning people fight back trying to stay alive. being depressed there is no motivation there is no will to live after awhile. i just feel like i have to stomp out these cliche similes. because i feel like normal people will never full understand if they dont get put to rest. i guess i just hope that me being depressed for years has a purpose.
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healthy coping mechanismsall my ways to cope are unhealthy e.g oversleepinggaming all night, overeating and it’s fucking me up even more im putting on weight and have horrible bags under my eyes does anyone know coping methods that arent detrimental
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can we just .. stop this? like all of it as a female ,i would like to take the time to talk about the uneasy divide between guys rn and uhpeople .
first off i would like to address what a real feminist is (in my own words cuz ya :
a feminist: someone who is protecting and active about the equality between men and women where it isn’t so .
example: the wage gap between men and women that does still somewhat exist is different areas
a feminist is not“all men are pigs” “hate men” “were gonna wear vagina hates and simulate cutting your dick off”
no, just no
an argument i see held against every day average guys is the body positivity thingbut oh so then when a guy spreads body positivity he’s posing, and too confident.
i guarantee you if you said infront of a bunch of normal dudes “all boobs are nice“women aren’t objects” and “all bodies are beautiful”
of coursepeople have preferences but a majority would agreejust because you’ve interacted with douche bags who think even a molecule of fat on your body is too muchis not every other guys problems .
womenfor the most part in these first world countrieswhere we are developedwe are not oppressed on a day to day basis okay girls? we really aren’t that oppressed anymorethere will always be ass hole people who are racist sexist etc
i really hope some of these “feminists” start putting their effort into places like india and places where they may actually still be badly oppressedand stop acting like guys are animals and they know everything about themi don’t care if your a psychologist with a masters degreeif they don’t know everything about our bodies and mindsthen neither do you about theirsand maybe instead of being so negativeeducate each other when we misunderstand something :)
feel free to leave your opinions below
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problems with things ending....i have a problem which i believe is quite common. i feel depressed whenever something i enjoy and invest energy ends as in books, tv series, and other things i emotionally invest myself in. i just feel empty afterwards. i hate endings and i hate saying goodbye. just wanted to bring this up and hear what you guys think.
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so does someone wanna join me in mc? i'm playing hypixel atm so does anyone wanna join currently building in housing lol
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i feel like an empty nothing compared to everyone else.i don't know how some people do it: learn multiple languages fluently, are virtuosos with instruments, are extremely confident, in good physical shape, have a wide circle of friends and are universally liked, have steady relationships, good jobs that they love and lead interesting lives.
it seems like i'm outclassed in every regard. it strikes me as completely unfair, how on earth do people lead those kinds of lives? i can barely find time in the day to write (the only thing i get any modicum of pleasure from these days). how can any one person find that much time and money to be able to do these things?
i'm 21 and i've just graduated from university in a field that is nearly completely useless when it comes to getting a well paid job (film and media) and i've since fallen out of love with it for its artistic quality, which means the chances of me finding a job i'm happy with are nil. i don't love anything, i'm nowhere near any of my friends, it's been years since my last relationship and the things i enjoyed doing bring me nothing but boredom.
yesterday i had to sign on for my country's benefits system which made me feel incredibly dirty, like a parasite, because i know that i'll be taking other people's hard earned taxes to lead what is essentially an empty life. my parents are on my case 24/7 about getting a job, learning to drive, finding a career etc. and it's all too overwhelming, i don't know what to do and i feel like giving up.
in short, i'm having an existential crisis. i'm a depressed, 21 year old graduate who's wasted his childhood and adolescence on video games and useless shit when other people were building character and doing things, i feel like i've missed the boat. what are my options (if any)?
edit: my one redeeming feature is that i learn things quickly, but this is hampered by the fact that i can never be anything more than 'average' at what i do. i love music but i'll never be a professional musician, i love history but i'm not qualified to do anything related, i'm good at writing but i'll never get published etc. i hate myself for it.
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tw 4 eating disorder? someone wanna be my eating disorder recovery buddy? f16 if it matters] just starting to recover from my eating disorder on my own and it’d be cool to be able to talk to someone going through the same thing, about our days, etc.
ha i tried posting like 2 seconds ago but lowkey forgot that erectile dysfunction was also called ed so y’all ion got that
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i did it i finally got my mother to admit she was wrong. the topic of world war 2 came up and
me: did you know the united states dropped a nule on hiroshima and nagasaki because they were afraid of an invasion of the mainland
mom: no, the us dropped the nuke on japan out of revenge
me: no it happened a long time afterward
mom: the us dropped the nuke on japan right after pearl harbor
me: no, pearl harbor happened in 1941 while the us dropped the nuke in 1945
mom: who says that
me: the history channal
mom: nevermind then.
| 0 |
how did you get over toxic, fake friends if you need context over the situation my friend thinks dating is some kind competition. she also swiped right on a guy that she knew i really liked. i have a detailed post on my home page. i'd suggest you skim over it.
the problem is, i'm an extrovert with low confidence and self respect. i'm not proud of it. i cut off a shitty friend in my right before senior year and i had to be all alone for the whole year. its not easy for me to make friends. so i try to keep my old ones. after this should i be giving my friend a second chance? my sister just screamed at me for thinking this way. i just don't want to be alone again. people in my group are closer to her than me....i'll lose all of them. i can't live senior year all over again ffs. what should i do?
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having a hot dad is weird he is greek and looks like a protohuman.
here are some weird things that happen with him:
a photographer said he wanted to have his babies.
in new york, a gay man tried to grab his you-know-what outside a pizza restaurant.
in tacoma, another gay man was flirting with him and asked if he wanted to come back to his apartment.
(my mom will never let him hear the end of it]
a young woman sitting next to him on an airplane was gently caressing his hand, and then tried to hold it. he was very uncomfortable.
literally every woman stares at him when we go out.
when him and i go running, it’s not uncommon for groups of woman will smile at him or say* rarwe*.
for all the genes we share, i did not get the attractive genes unfortunately.
attractive people have it so much easier in life...
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how do you actually do fellow teens? so like i actually turned 13 today, i've been on reddit for just a year like pretending to 13. so how do you do fellow teens? i got some cool stuff for my b-day like a telescope, an rgb mouse, and a cool ass laptop. i'm doing great rn. i thought i would post this lmao.
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for the past week or so i've been working on a song, it's really the only that has helped me cope lately.[instrumental intro]
[verse 1]
*lately i've waking up at noon*
*haven't really gotten out of bed until 3*
*head to my dead end job and hate my life somewhere else for awhile*
*zach says "go out, have some fun for once, trust me it'll help."*
*i promise him tomorrow, but i know that's a lie*
*last december i dropped out of college*
*last december i disappointed everyone i know*
*dale still thinks i'm a loser*
*i'm pretty sure that dales right*
[pre-chorus]
*i haven't felt like this in years*
*just last august, me and my friends were yelling "cheers!"*
*that was just a few months ago but it may as well have been a lifetime.*
[chorus]
*i'm sick of stumbling on everything around me*
*but it's hard to avoid a wreckage when it's all you see*
*i'm walking through it but i don't know if i'm coming out the other side*
*nothing makes sense to me*
*i used to have so much hope*
*but somewhere i lost it*
*i'm tripping again, maybe this time i'll stay down*
[verse 2]
*the milk expired a week ago*
*i guess my fruity pebbles are going down dry again*
*i'll put my hat on and go back to work for an overnight*
*that's all i'm ever scheduled for now days*
*that's alright with me*
*i can spend more time trying to write shitty songs*
*that nobody will ever hear*
*because nobody wants to be in a band*
*with a stupid fucking sad sack*
[pre-chorus}
[chorus]
[bridge]
*i wanna get it together*
*but i don't have the energy to try*
*maybe tomorrow will be the day*
*but probably not*
*probably not*
[chorus]
[outro]
*maybe by the time you hear this i'll be looking up*
*but that's just assuming*
*that's just me hoping*
| 1 |
i don't enjoy anything anymorei am 18, currently in school. i am not turning up to school and i will likely fail my exams in june. all i do is sleep, eat and stare into space or browse the internet. i am pathetic and i want to die, but more than that i want to feel like i used to. so i won't do it, not yet.
| 1 |
quick! a name that has a pun for my minecraft dog keep in mind family friendly, not too long (keep it under 5 words)
| 0 |
kind of scared i'm on path to hurting myself...even though i've always been depressed, i've never really been suicidal. my life has just been one huge rough patch, there really doesn't feel like there have been any ups, and if there have been they were very short lasting.
after a couple of really bad months i started therapy and antidepressants for first time. i started getting worse and having suicidal thoughts, but just wrote it off as bad reaction to some of the meds i was taking. while i'm not as emotional as i was while on some of them, i'm still thinking of just ending it all the time. i'm at a point where i don't' want to live anymore, i have no hope things will ever get better. only thing keeping me alive is my fear of death.
at this point i just want to shut my mind off, it's driving me nuts. i'm getting worse and worse, every day crying multiple times. i've given up on trying to do anything to improve my situation, because trying to improve my situation and constantly failing is what has made me like this. so at this point, knowing i'm not motivated to make things better, and knowing things won't just get magically get better, i'm scared things will only get worse in my head, and i don't know if i can endure a couple more months of this pain...
| 1 |
controlling my anger has allowed me to feel an emotion (empathy) i've never truly felt before;however...i recently had a life changing experience and everything made sense. i prayed to god for why i was always so anxious and depressed and figured it out. i was always trying to fit in and was always changing to different schools which made me change my identity for each school i attended. by the time i got to high school i just really wanted to be cool with every single person so i changed my identity for each group i tried to socialize with. this never got me any best friends and i was just acquaintances with a lot of people. i was in denial of loneliness and depression so i tried to be a funny person. bad idea since i came off as super annoying. now i am 20 and know who i want to be. i know most people mature earlier because they have harder lives but it's better late then ever. i gained empathy towards my family, and enemies and stopped blaming others for my problems. now for the first time in my life i feel like i finally i'm maturing. i now understand that enemies are hurting just as much as everyone else and now looking back on my past i feel so much guilt. guilt is probably the worst pain i've ever felt. the unhealthy anxiety is basically almost gone and now i am just trying to forgive myself for the person i used to be. i feel like i was the grinch that stole christmas and was being toxic to all my friends and people around me. im wondering if i move to a different state that would make me feel happy by starting a new life but if i do that i'd probably feel like it would be a selfish move. i also know that guilt is fairy early on the depression stage but i feel like acceptance and guilt are tied at least for me and those two are my final stages of depression. are the depression stages always going to be in order like that?
| 1 |
who wants a logo? hmu on insta im workin for free mk.abz
| 0 |
classic girl won't reply on snap alright, the answer must be super obvious, but i'm not sure what to think what's going on, and every answer doesn't really satisfy me. i've thought about this for weeks. so, i've talked to this girl for 3 weeks straight until we started responding a few hours apart, which is fine, i can't talk every minute of the day, and it's gotten pretty dry. (i have observed that she started acting distant when she got evicted from her own childhood home, so um, it's probably that?) the thing is, she's really unpredictable and she'll seem interested one day and we'll have a long conversation and then i'm put on delivered for more than 10 hours the next. when i try to end the conversation she'll keep it going though, so ???? (and she'll do this in the day, but i still feel like i'm being used.) then sometimes i'm left on delivered for 16 hours and yet her snapscore goes up by like 20, and she's at home too, so she's obviously not busy or is too 'tired' or whatever to talk. we're going to meet after quarantine which might hopefully change things and clear the air, but i still want your guys' thoughts. i kinda want to block her because i have lost some interest in her, except i don't really know what to expect, i don't like her responding 3 minutes later to my snaps anymore. and yeah, i miiiiiiiiiiight've met her because i added everyone on quickadd in a daze. and she miiiiiiiiight go sicko mode 4 times a week.
| 0 |
wife leaving for two monthsi'm introverted, she's introverted. we spend our spare time away from work cuddling cats and being lazy together on the couch, or at the very least she's always there for my inane thoughts.
i have to stay where i currently am while we begin our summer vacation, but she is leaving home and travelling across the world to see her family; specifcally, her father that has terminal cancer. we had to go through this situation last year too; her going home, me staying here. (so this is the **second** time...)
she's going through an unimaginable amount of shit because of her father's illness, and i've been as strong as supportive as i can.
she leaves in 10 days and i'm having panic attacks and depressive episodes multiple times a day. i can't deal with being aloneeven with my catsand i don't know how the hell i'm going to do this again.
i feel so alone.
| 1 |
hey so umm... there’s this girl... and ummm... the game
| 0 |
what the fuck happened to two-touch you had a wall, you had two touches to kick a ball into the wall, 2 player game, if the ball misses the wall or you use more than 2 touches you're out. one-touch was a variation.
did nobody fucking play this game outside of my area and apparently a small town in australia? most my damn rural elementary school played that shit and the kids at my school played it too, what the fuck happened to it? i was asking some friends from other states and they had no clue what it was
| 0 |
last night i gambled in the slot machines and lost a lot of money and feel like ending my life.. again. but i don't have the balls to do it.to begin with, i don’t believe that i’m a gambling addict. in fact i don’t believe that i’m really addicted to anything save cigarettes. i know because i can quit booze, for example, for months unless i get very anxious for whatever external reasonsame with gambling. it's tremendously boring where i live, and don't get along well with the peoplehence the reckless behaviour. the relationship with my new wife (who’s very neurotic, manipulative and has an unspecified mental disorder) seems to be improving and we're getting closer now, after months of serious turmoil. we just came back from a trip abroad, i saw money in my bank account and spent nearly all of it. i have ocd, generalised anxiety, and fall into episodes of clinical depression. i'm currently on clonazepam and antidepressants so the mood went up a little bit as i write, but i'm horribly afraid and feel terribly guilty for what i did last night. i am fully aware of what goes on in the casino and how the house always wins. and i’m fully aware about the “chase” and the voodoo or whatever the hell goes on in there. i’m desperate and don’t know what i have or how to deal with the next two weeks where i’ll have almost nothing to survive. lessons learned, i know. i just don’t want to fall on this trap anymore. on the upside my job gave me about 7 more hours a week. i get paid weekly and pay my wife the rent weekly and now i do not know what to do. i do not know how to discuss this with my wife without her leaving me or something. i’m afraid for own life and i hate my own existence. any advice would be more than welcome. thank you.
| 1 |
out visiting family in a different state. my girl decides to get drunk and cheat on me. starting to feel like giving up...i just feel like we never win. i'm so sick of being cheated on. all i want is someone who is as faithful as i am. right now, though, i need someone to hold me. screw the macho guy profile, i want to be held...yeah, my girl was at a party and decided to get drunk. there was this guy there that she had unresolved feelings for. they had sex, and she decides to tell me. she also tells me that she doesn't know what she wants anymore. i feel like it's never gonna get better for me. i just want a faithful woman. i mean, i never cheat, i find it disgusting. i don't know, i just needed to rant and see if anyone knows what i'm going through, maybe lend a helping word or something, cause i'm at the end of my rope...
| 1 |
sup yall i got asked out yesterday new acc from long ago (deleted my old one); i havent been on reddit in a long time and i tried to make this post yesterday but it said i didnt have enough karma bc i had like 7 so i had to get some lol
anyway she is only 16 and im 18 and i feel kinda awkward about it bc i said yeah we could go on a date. i even ran it by my parents and they said its okay to go on a date. i do like her and i do hope it works but still feels kinda weird for some reason lol. idk maybe its just me but ya thats all
| 0 |
dangerously hornyabout to fuck a donut rn🤧🤧
| 0 |
how do you do things when you lack any motivation?i have midterms to study for and am being forced to apply for internships, but i don't have the motivation to do anything besides sitting around and listening to music. i just don't see the point in doing anything. everything is so pointless. i don't know, i suck at explaining things.
| 1 |
am i an autistic person?since i was a child i don't have many friend. i alway prefer to be alone, to do something only myself. but inside myself i know i want to play with people, to have fun with them. i was study very hard because i think it will let people know about me and i can have more friend. but nothing change. after being top on class, nothing change, it just like before. i'm feel sad and one night i start masturbate, the thing i alway scare because i hear people say masturbate bad for health. i repeat it, i feel it make me forget everything i start play game and masturbate at night result is i alway late to class, i even sleep at class, the thing i never done before. and the worst start, my study drop like skyrocket, from a pround student 1st in class to an idiot. i feel bad, and to the time i alway stay at my room, only go out for class or eating. my weight get higher, i become a fat. at last year on my college, i was thinking about suicide because i think i can't make it. but with help of some close friend i manage to finish my test and pass it. now i'm 23 with no job and no gf, my mom even ask me "are you autistic?". i think maybe it right and i don't know what i can do in the future, i feel i just a loser. what keep me live now because my of parent, they do many thing to me and i don't repay them anything yet.
| 1 |
don't know how to talk about my problems, but keep thinking about suicidei'm not really sure how to start this. there are a lot of things that are eating me up inside, but i don't know how to express them. i just can't tell anyone whats wrong with me or whats going on. i try to hide a lot of my personal issues from my friends and family because i don't want to ruin their days and i'm also not sure how things would get perceived. i even called a hotline once, but i just blanked out, i tried chatting, but once i started to type, i couldn't stop crying and had to stop. it's gotten to a point where i'm now thinking weekly about committing suicide and disappearing. so far i haven't made any plan, until tonight. i don't know whats going on but i constantly get these thoughts about methods and i even started pacing the room and measuring things and a lot of other things. but i still can't talk about anything. i was interacting with my dad just an hour ago and even the thought of telling him that there is anything wrong makes me feel guilty and ashamed. i'm sorry if this is a little unclear or unfocused, but i think i'm gonna stop here for now, it took me a lot of energy to type this. i'm very sorry if reading this made you uncomfortable.
| 1 |
i love 50's aesthetic. the cars, the clothes, the everything. just wish there wasn't all that racism and all. my favorite time period if i just ignore the racism.
| 0 |
please i need to talk to somebodytrouble with a girl. suicidal thoughts. anxiety attack too i think. heart is racing
| 1 |
13 years with her and this is what i a reduced to.so far it's keys.. only because i fear dying.
http://imgur.com/a/rmn1s
still it hurts less then what i go through all the time. i'm starting to just want the pain to stop.. and i don't care how....
| 1 |
i'm terrified calm me down before i burn my house down <3 had a weird dream yesterday about being pushed through a door into another reality, the dream ended as soon as the guy managed to push me through the door, got shaken awake from it at exactly 3am because of my door bell ringing, basically i was like wtf who the hell is ringing this door bell in the middle of the night because
1. i live in a village, nobody ever rings our door bell
2. what?
and flipped around to my phone and it was exactly 3:00am
needless to say i was kind of creeped out
now, exactly at 2:30 my sisters toy cash register started going off as if someone was pressing the buttons, and the pattern of the buttons was like someone was actually trying to play pretend of making a purchase
1. that thing hasnt been touched in weeks
2. it hasnt been touched in weeks because,, the battery is dead and we took it out
i really need to piss rn so ny options are:
1: cussing out the demon while taking a piss to let me sleep in peace (bad idea, demon will kill me)
2: lay here in misery with my full bladder
| 0 |
hello there! what was the best moment in your school life? i just want some interesting stories to read!
| 0 |
are you a pencil sharpener? i want to stick my pencils in all of your orfices.
| 0 |
help?to be honest, i do sometimes (maybe around 2 or 3 times a week) feel like killing myself or harming myself. now i know how thats not the best, but ive been researching and i think i might actually start, but does anyone have any suggestions? i heard about burning myself and that seemed like a good thing to give me the pain i deserve for being so ugly, fat, short, and a dissapointment to everyone (even though they dont show it, i can just feel it, everyone hates me). i will die someday though right? why not just do it now and let myself not have to deal with the rest of my pathetic stupid life.
| 1 |
finally i know what i want i'll become a graduate engineer
it'll be fun
| 0 |
i have watched so much anime that i lost count. but i still don't want to live in japan nor do i have a "waifu" sure, there are a few female anime characters i like but as a character and i don't masturbate to them. and i speak english instead of saying shit like "baka" or "kawaii" because i am not japanese and if i say these words i will look like a fucking idiot to japanese people because i am very clearly saying them wrong.
| 0 |
suicidelately all i can think of suicide, and how/when i want to do it.
within a week everything changed. i had already been battling depression for 2 years and then last week, i lost my grandfather.
it was traumatizing, i watched him suffer to death in the hospital.
i came home the day after the funeral and my bf broke up with me.
i was stressed out when i was out of town to see my grandfather and we had an argument and he decided that he couldn't deal with me anymore. he offered to be friends and nothing more.
i just don't know how to deal with all of this.. i can't just be friends with a guy i dated for more than 3.5 years. i want to change, i have a tiny tiny speck of hope that he might take me back. but he could only stay with me if i change myself. i can't be irritable, angry, and upset all the time. but i can't change my anxiety or depression.
i have no friends, i'm lonely all time. i wish i were dead. and soon, i will be. i hate myself and the person that i am. my bf was the only person that motivated me to ever get up and do anything. he was my hope. he believed that i'd be ok one day, and i believed him. i don't know how to do this without him..
| 1 |
i need help i think...this is a tough one probably, i haven't taken any meds in my life and i don't want to take any chemical help. i am not suicidal, but depressed probably around from age 14(23 now), i am really close to finishing university, but it's getting impossible because my anxiety issues. i can coop with the bad thoughts i have, but this anxiety is just killing me and nothing helps about it. it's getting worse and worse, i have followed a few tedxtalks and so on, but nothing has helped so far. if you have any tips to help me deal with this, let me know. these anxiety attacks are getting to the point i just can't controll myself at all.
| 1 |
i don’t know what’s worse the bullshit stories that people post on the sub or the fact that you guys believe them
| 0 |
any song recommendations? i wanna add some songs to my ipod classic (elite portable music format) any recommendations?
| 0 |
told my ra i was depressedi told my ra(resident adviser) i was depressed and now she says she has to tell her boss about it, i was comfortable enough around her to tell her that i am depressed but i'm not quite okay with her telling her boss. she says she has to because it's a part of being an ra. she said that i would probably have to talk to him about it but i told her that i was not willing to talk to him about it, but only with her i can. i have a major trust issue that began my depression and she is the only person i have trusted in 4 years and now this happens. i don't regret telling her at all but i'm not yet comfortable with taking this next step.
| 1 |
this song has me addicted to it [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvs351qkfv4&ab\_channel=fritz51228](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvs351qkfv4&ab_channel=fritz51228)
&#x200b;
lyrics: german
dressed as: mongols
singing about: russia
someone: greek
hotel: trivago
poland: their worst nightmare
| 0 |
i just finished a ton of work and have a long weekend, yet i'm depressed and want to be alone. i just got done with an extremely busy and productive work week. in a way, my depression and desire for isolation allowed me to finish a mountain of work -i left the house before the sun came up and came home well after dark, i ignored my best friends' texts, and ate my lunches and dinners at my desk. i'm looking at 4 days off without a lot on the horizon for a while. i should be calling everyone i know, making plans to go out, having fun. but, i still want to be alone.
a friend invited me to a party tonight. beyond that, i have 4 roommates who are all great friends that are always up to do something. they will even stop what they’re doing to hangout. i actually have to make an effort not to see them. i bought a wine for myself to celebrate finishing my work and ring in a long weekend, thinking that i just wanted to chill by myself and relax. i don’t even want to drink it; i just want to sit alone.
i was anxious before because i had so much work to do. it’s done; now, i have free time and i feel worse than before. i feel bad for shutting my friends and roommates out of my life, but i don’t have the energy or motivation to hang out. moreover, i think i’ve been a pretty shitty person to be around; earlier because i was stressed from all the work, now because i don’t really want to have fun and would probably make it harder for those in my presence to enjoy themselves.
| 1 |
just when i thought i've conquered...years for years, i've been secretly battling depression. people assume i just have a bad day or a bad week but it's just killing me day by day to see time go by. 2014 i started strong and determined to fight off my weaknesses. i changed for the better, cheered and lifted my personality. met someone amazing. everything was going too well.
but slowly i go back to my real self-hating,insecure self. it's not cool. it affected my relationship with anyone. i realized my mistake and tried to be better again.
just recently when i was about to meet my goals, things just fucked shit up. suddenly i'm back to square fucking one. i didn't even see it going down but i am now lost and alone.
i know this is vague but to realize i got destroyed by something not myself is more heartbreaking. two days ago, i attempted to hurt myself. i've never done that ever before. now i can say this is something quite serious.
| 1 |
i have nobody to talk to and i don't know what to do with my life anymorei don't know if i'm struggling with depression but i think that's the only explanation for what i'm going through right now.
i've never been a happy child, my father died when i was 20 days old, grew up with a depressed and absent motheralways working, 2 older siblings ganging up on me, being bullied at school for about 16 years, eating disorders, self harm, drugs, loved ones dying, no friends, my first boyfriend leaving me after 3 years of an unfulfilling relationship because he said i was "depressed" after the woman who raised me, the one that was my family, teacher and friend, my grandma, died.
despite everything i've always tried to be positive, compassionate and friendly.
i've always loved art and i was pretty good at it but my mother stopped all my dreams forcing me to go into a scientific kind of school. in the end i had to choose a university and after failing for 2 years i finally got into one of veterinary medicine.
great, i love animals and taking care of other living creatures.
i thought i was about to start my happy dream life. i got into uni, i loved my boyfriend, i could have had a future doing something i love. everything seemed perfect until my boyfriend decided to break up right as my exams were about to start.
two years down the line, i'm failing uni and i've discovered that studying to become a vet i also have to take part in the torture that is the animal farming industry. i want to take care of animals, i don't want to help and support people who raise them in horrible conditions and then slaughter them. as if that wasn't enough, the amount of people *inside* uni that have some seriously shitty ethics is disturbing.students posing for pictures to post on social media with dead corpses and putting tracheal rings on as jewelry and the teacher mocking me because i didn't want to be part of the picture is just an example of what i've witnessed in the past 2 years.
i couldn't go on like that anymore, i don't want to become like them and i can't live surrounded by things i hate for 5+ years.
i'm at my breaking point.
i'm not attending classes anymore and i'm thinking of dropping out of uni.
i don't know how to talk to my mother about this and i don't know if it would be the right thing to do. i have no idea what i could do with my life. i won't be able to get a job and mantain myself without a degree but i feel like if i tell my mother about this she will hate me forever.
| 1 |
feeling like i don't understand how people work/think, just makes it all worse. pointers?one of the very specific sort of symptoms of my depression is that when someone is mistreated in a really illogical way, or when someone behaves towards me in a way that doesn't make sense, my mind keeps obsessing over it. for some reason, i can't just accept things and move on; it creates a nagging shadow over my daily activities, saying "but this! remember this! whyyyy would this person act this way, and then suddenly act this way? what's really going on here?"
now, i know i'm not socially retarded, because 99% of situations i do fine with; i have friends, i get along very well with most of my family (which i'm really thankful for), and i am cordial with my workmates, despite having nothing in common with them whatsoever. but it's just this one function of social interaction which takes up a lot of my time and energy.
does anyone else have experience of this, and if so, what do you do?
tl;dr: don't understand why people behave erratically, need ideas for not obsessing over it.
| 1 |
thank you for coming to my ted talk no matter how burnt your pancake is it still has two sides.
| 0 |
do you get irrationally angry at your school? i go back to school mostly online soon, and one of my teachers sent us an email saying something like “welcome back! i hope you had a nice break and are ready to start the second half of the year full of hard work and lots of positivity, and i know we will all make the best out of this situation” and i got super pissed off for some reason. it just rubs me the wrong way and it might just be me but i feel like i’m being mocked
| 0 |
there's just nothing for melife is nothing. i'm never interesting enough, attractive enough, successful enough, whatever-enough for anyone. i'm just alone, all the time, no matter what i do.
life is just a chore that drones by way too fast some days and way too slow others. one thing always remains the sameit's all pointless. nothing can be done. nothing can be accomplished. always a reason i can't do things. must be nice to be born into a family that actually gives a shit about you, has the finances to make sure you have a shot at a real life, has parents actually around to teach you things. must be real nice. i can only fantasize about what life might have been had i been born into a real and worthwhile situation instead of being some kids' bad mistake.
fucking...26 now, and nothing is worth anything. nothing is interesting. nothing is fun. nothing is clever. everything is boring. there's nothing remotely interesting to do. i have a dying creative side that i can't do anything with because i don't have the money to do anything with it. i also don't have any talents.
eventually i'm just going to die and not exist anymorerendering absolutely anything i could have done pointless anyway. what's the point to live just to die? i don't understand religious peopleit's so fucking obvious and blatant that we're just some shit organism that grew on a rock and will cease to exist like everything else. how the fuck are people so stupid that they'll believe in magic and fairy tales in which they don't even have evidence for? all that shit does is make the time we do have worse.
i'm angry at everything, all the time. everything annoys me. nothing is pleasurable. i eat begrudgeonly when my body won't stop demanding it. it's expensive and feels like shit going through me. so fucking tired of spending money. fucking tired of earning money. day in, day out, same fucking bullshit. nothings different it's all just material bullshit.
run the fucking retardrace in hopes that some wealthy fucking fuck will throw you a pittance and call you a good boy so that you can eat and live another day just to waste it all at his fucking whim. hey, it's his kid's futures you're working so hard for, isn't it? they need to know what a life without conflict or work or problems are. fucking rich pieces of privileged shit.
unfortunately i couldn't even be born a gender seen worthwhile in humanity's eyes. nobody likes a man. a man is scary, dangerous, creepy, gross, expendable, trash, a lapdog for women. fodder for the women and children and the wealthy. fight and die in wars they start so they can live happy and without conflict. fuck them. fuck people. fuck all people. why should i give a fuck about anyone anymore?
there's only one thing left i want to do, and that's to die fucking gloriously. i'm going to drink until i can barely stand, on a rooftop, and shoot my fucking brains off while fireworks shoot from my body. maybe i'll crush some asshole on the way down.
| 1 |
i'm not like other girls i an a guy with long luxurious hair
like seriously, its longer than my hand
| 0 |
does anyone else feel shame?throwaway because i don't want my partner to know how much i'm struggling.
i've been diagnosed with depression, and a big issue i have is mess. piles of dirty dishes in my room, dirty cups, glasses, dirty laundry, empty food containers, etc. i live with my mum, brother, stepdad and stepbrother. mum and my brother understand the symptoms, i have a feeling stepdad does as well.
but when he comes into my room to diagnose a tv problem, i'm embarrassed and very ashamed because of the dirty dishes. i'm so afraid of him judging me, or putting me down for it. i've hidden them, but i won't actually go and wash them.
why are such simple things so fucking hard? my big goal is to get to a gym and swim regularly, how can i do that when i'm failing at dishes? i told my partner months ago i would join the gym and swim, but i haven't even scoped out the place.
am i the only one that feels ashamed?
| 1 |
i'm going to kill myself next month (12-5->12-15)attempt #3:
i'm in physical pain and uncomfortable being alive. living a lie, and am not going to propogate one. nor am i going to force myself to live. this will be action done on my own. i need a permanent solution to my permanent problems. ..
| 1 |
i hate youtuber power i recently made a video exposing a youtuber, and he told his entire fanbase that it was fake, and everyone believed him. he told them to dislike my video, even though it's all true. the thing i hate is that all the fans will just believe and defend him.
| 0 |
i hate myself i wanna die i ain't got no iphone
| 0 |
i keep surpassing lucas sport edition! lucas: "sis, i played football when i was younger. i wasn't the best, but i had a lot of goals. sometimes one, two or three, three times very often! i wasn't the best, but i could do it!"
me: "three goals in one match? that's nothing man!"
lucas: "why not?"
me: **"i scored twenty goals in one half! one half! forty goals in one match!"**
lucas: "sis..."
me: **"i scored header, volley, all on my bare feet lucas!"**
lucas: "chill..."
me: **"i even scored with my heel. i scored every time! i scored more often than messy!"**
| 0 |
i keep trying to get a 1 2 1 with childline on their website but it doesn't work and i'm close to killing myself i have no one to talk toi'm 16 i've felt this all my life i just want this to be over
| 1 |
girls from iceland? 🤔🤔 what're non icelanders opinions on this
| 0 |
(serious) how can i move on past a bad grade? recently, i got a c on a test i studied really hard for and now i’m extremely upset and i don’t know what to do, how can i move on from this bad grade?
| 0 |
i hate that suicide is stigmatizedi wish society would stop treating suicide like such a big deal. i battle with severe depression and constant thoughts of suicide every day, and i have been doing this for as long as i can remember. it seems to only be getting worse, and i'm seriously running out of options... i'm in a lot of debt, i'm broke, i can't pay my bills, and i honestly don't even know how much longer i will be able to keep my part-time cleaning job because i can't afford a bus pass to get to the locations.
it's not even about the money, though; i'm tired of being a wage slave to a broken system. i don't want to be a part of society anymore, and i have no desire to build or maintain any relationships i have with anybody; you're all garbage to me. i've been pushing off suicide for far too long, and i think that it's in everybody's interest that i finally end this constant pain and suffering. i think i will plan my death today.
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day 101 of writing something positive that happened to me today went to a local climate strike and had a really cool time there
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fdudcdkejfverythingfuck the "girl of my dreams" for not giving me a second chance in middle school, and then stopping mid conversation ten years later. absolutely fuck myself for not giving a shit in high school when they told me i had superior intelligence. that doesn't do anything if you don't apply it dipshit. fuck my home life in high school not preparing me for the professional/college world. fuck my work ethic. fuck depression and how it makes me aloof. fuck every fucking girl that i am genuinely interested in who doesn't tell me until it's too late that she has a boyfriend. that makes four in the last two months.
my first semester of college and my grades aren't as high as i wanted them to be. they're good... infinitely better than high school grades, but i wait so fucking long to get papers done. i have no work ethic. that is why i will be mediocre instead of rising above. my discipline is demanding, but i don't do shit about it. fuck me for blaming everything on depression and not just owning up to the fact that i'm fucking useless. depression got me out of my shitty home life in high school, put me through a child psychiatric wing, and fucking landed me with the most caring foster parents imaginable. i still couldn't do shit. fucking worthless.
my "first love"... i haven't talked to her since freshmen year of high school, but i have dreams of her. an overwhelming feeling of affection comes over me when i think of her, but i don't know who the fuck she is. she could be anybody by this point in her life. i am in love with who i thought she was, and she liked me. she liked me and i still couldn't make it work. i'm a seven at best, but all of the girls who are interested in me i look right past. i'm reaching for the stars and i don't have a fucking spaceshuttle. fuck me for not settling. fuck me for not digging in and fucking working hard.
i apologize. a sudden disdain for myself, and crushing feeling of contempt came over me this evening. let me tell you a little bit about myself. i'll vent right now, just for all of you. the beauty of it is that i don't give a shit if you read. i looked for a subreddit to house my indecision and this is what i located. i fucked up with a girl in middle school. met her at camp, thought she was breathtakingly beautiful, but forgot about her because i knew i wasn't good enough. she told a friend to ask about me. asked her out first, but she said we were moving too fast and gave me her phone number. 'superior intellect' yet i couldn't fucking figure out that meant she wanted to fucking slow things down and talk to me. everytime i thought about her. everytime i saw her hold hands with someone through high school, i would go into a bathroom and beat my head off of a wall, but the emotional abuse i dealt and received was the most crippling. teachers tried to tell me to seek help, but i didn't think my problems were bad enough. why waste the counselor's time when others really needed it?
eventually i did and as things went i ended up in a foster care facility. i struggled through high school. met a girl online and after graduating moved with her to a foreign place. relationship dragged on for two years until i ended it and moved back. geographic therapy can only work so long though. there's a 'honeymoon' period. got back, started school... off and fucking running. now i'm struggling not to go back to my old way. i have pursued (if you will) three girls since i've been back, all led me a certain amount of time before revealing that they had boyfriends.
if you folks take nothing more out of this text, i wish you to take this: do you want to know the fucking pathetic thing? i depend on relationships. i'm a caring guys. i open fucking doors and buy flowers on first dates. i'm mr. fucking-knightinshining armor. chicks don't dig that. but i'm mr. fucking nice guy, ph.d and i need to care for someone to feel relevant. i don't rely on people, i need someone to rely on me. what kind of fucking twisted power trip is that shit? if i'm not in a relationship i'm useless. a fucking limp rag as it were. jesus christ.
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ok i have dance appreciation homework to do bye i dont actually know how to answer this question but umm i also have a quiz i need to take for my communications class so it's time to bullshit some answers !!
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why do i want to?talk me out of it please! i can't stop thinking about my ex that drove me into my deepest depression ever, i want to hear her voice so bad for some reason. i know it wont go in anyway that i want it to but for some reason i can't stop myself from trying. should i call her?
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does anyone else spam refresh in new because they're bored? no? just me? ok then
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alone, abused?, meds aren't workinghey, i know that a saturday night can be a pretty busy time in places like this, and i'm sorry for using up your time.
i guess i've always known that i wanted to kill myself, but lately i've realized that the time to actually follow through is coming closer and closer.
i'm currently on medical leave from college after several suicide attempts and i'm at home with my family. i'm away from my close friends and about a 5 hour drive from my boyfriend, and it's taking a toll on me.
while i'm at home, i'm living with my parents. my parents are very nice people, but i've been told by my therapist that some of the things they've done (trying to send me to ex-gay therapy, being mad at me after i got outed as bisexual, their non-reaction after i got raped) are abuse, but i feel like i must've greatly exaggerated those things or mis-represented them or mis-remembered them. i don't think anything has happened in my life that should make a therapist think i was abused, and i'm extremely embarrassed that i've led people to believe i have. it's shameful, and shame is very painful.
i'm currently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety, and ptsd, and the medications i've been prescribed have been working really well for the last few months until things started to get bad about a month ago. i've been having increased anxiety, more trouble falling aseep, and more self-hating thoughts, including thoughts of suicide. it took years for me to get on medications/therapy/lifestyle changes that were able to help me before, and now that they're no longer working i feel that it might be reasonable for me to assume there's a chance i will never feel normal again.
i have seen quite a few attempted suicides/accidental deaths or near deaths through my line of work, and i think i know exactly what i can overdose on that will kill me relatively quickly, and at a dose that will make death much more likely. i've been thinking of the technical aspects of this more frequently now that the time is coming closer. i just am afraid of how everyone around me will deal with it when i'm gone. how do i let my boyfriend know about this? my friends? my family? that's what's holding me back.
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damn all my friends are offline anyone wanna talk?
>!i have a nice ass if you wanna see!<
>!jk nerd!<
>!i mean it is nice!<
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i want to fake my death and disappeari'm so sick of being unemployed and living with my parents. i've finally accepted that my family will never change, i can't deal with all my medical bills for tests that didn't even turn anything up. i want all this weight off my shoulders, from basic responsibilities to being expected to be the golden child that saves the world. i don't want to say goodbye to my parents, i resent them so much, even though i know they've always tried their best. i want to be free, but i'm afraid i can never be free from myself, from the source of my pain.
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there are people who can help.or so they tell me. but none of them have been able to make me want to live, and all of them remind me that, if given the chance, they would use violence to stop me.
death is the only thing that can stop things from getting worse, and they want to take it away from me. now there is not limit, and it's their fault. they aren't there to help, otherwise they wouldn't do this.
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trying to accept that nobody wants to date me because of the depressioni'm sure i'm codependent somewhat, but i was never depressed when i was in relationships. in fact, i had a streak of relationships going for about 10 years and with each one i grew as a person and chose better partners.
been about 5 years since my last relationship, and i've been trying to find dates anywhere (dating sites, apps, and asking for numbers or dates). i've been turned down at every invitation, even by some fairly close friends. and my therapist is trying his hardest to make me understand it's not because i'm ugly, but because i'm depressed.
i last about a year at any job because of the loneliness, but i'm fairly self sufficient considering. but the loneliness takes over and nothing i do can solve it. if people won't date somebody with depression, why do i have to keep doing all of this stuff for myself that i won't appreciate anyways?
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achieving goals, but still unhappybefore i turned 18 i set aside some goals: get my grades up, get a car, get a job. made honors first quarter, i have a 1995 bmw 325i and now i have a job. still...i sit here unhappy with what i have. still can't get intimate with women and i fear that by this point if i have no experience i am hopeless... there is no doubt that i have the spirit to succeed in life but i fear that i will never find lasting peace. i just don't know what to do. i don't ever speak to anyone in my personal life about this pain out of fear of loss of respect. so can someone, anyone give me some help?
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