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nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay MAYBE there were some downsides to the Columbian explosion. The old world got tomatoes and potatoes, AND corn and peanuts, AND rubber, AND cocoa, and in exchange gave the new world... lettuce? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And also horses! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And also the cholera and influenza and bubonic plague and typhoid fever, and um, smallpox. So basically the world got this explosion of new and tasty times, but also this exchange of disease, and just about every culture on Earth was affected. But what's neat is that we can look forward to the same thing if we ever encounter alien life! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Except it's unlikely that we'd be vulnerable to their diseases. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well... MAYBE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But we don;t know anything about alien life! Maybe they'll look just like us AND share diseases with us, but with pointier ears. And logic? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Or maybe they'll look like us, but, you know, ten times sexier. Everyone on Earth will feel bad about their bodies for the rest of time! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE THIS HAS HAPPENED: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] maybe... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Don't talk to me about societal norms! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay MAYBE there were some downsides to the Columbian explosion. The old world got tomatoes and potatoes, AND corn and peanuts, AND rubber, AND cocoa, and in exchange gave the new world... lettuce? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And also horses! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And also the cholera and influenza and bubonic plague and typhoid fever, and um, smallpox. So basically the world got this explosion of new and tasty times, but also this exchange of disease, and just about every culture on Earth was affected. But what's neat is that we can look forward to the same thing if we ever encounter alien life! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Except it's unlikely that we'd be vulnerable to their diseases. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well... MAYBE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But we don;t know anything about alien life! Maybe they'll look just like us AND share diseases with us, but with pointier ears. And logic? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Or maybe they'll look like us, but, you know, ten times sexier. Everyone on Earth will feel bad about their bodies for the rest of time! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE THIS HAS HAPPENED: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] maybe... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] maybe i should get me some clothes |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "We Need Leaders Who Actually Understand Technology." Ahem. Amelia and Antonio Tony stood in the bedroom. They were going to have sex! This is how things looked like they were going to me, the omniscient third-person narrator: sexy times ahoy. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] 'We need leaders who actually understand technology,' muttered Amelia! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Antonio Tony nodded curtly, taking off his pants. It was so obvious. Amelia locked eyes with Antonio, paused, and took off her shirt. Antonio smiled appreciatively. 'There are so many bad laws passed through a misunderstanding of how computers actually work,' he thought. Amelia's breasts were pretty great. Antonio was hot too but THIS omniscient third-person narrator is into the ladies. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Writing more erotica, I see! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This one's new! It's POLITICALLY CHARGED. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Soon Antonio and Amelia had sex and it was great. They decided they had a pretty good time. Suddenly, you find yourself agreeing... We Need Leaders Who Actually Understand Technology!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's written in the second person? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In parts. Isn't it great? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will only start exclaiming again if I see something surprising. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "We Need Leaders Who Actually Understand Technology." Ahem. Amelia and Antonio Tony stood in the bedroom. They were going to have sex! This is how things looked like they were going to me, the omniscient third-person narrator: sexy times ahoy. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] 'We need leaders who actually understand technology,' muttered Amelia! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Antonio Tony nodded curtly, taking off his pants. It was so obvious. Amelia locked eyes with Antonio, paused, and took off her shirt. Antonio smiled appreciatively. 'There are so many bad laws passed through a misunderstanding of how computers actually work,' he thought. Amelia's breasts were pretty great. Antonio was hot too but THIS omniscient third-person narrator is into the ladies. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Writing more erotica, I see! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This one's new! It's POLITICALLY CHARGED. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Soon Antonio and Amelia had sex and it was great. They decided they had a pretty good time. Suddenly, you find yourself agreeing... We Need Leaders Who Actually Understand Technology!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's written in the second person? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In parts. Isn't it great? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The book's slogan is, "Think Like Me, While You're Imagining Sex." |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX'S EROTICA IS EXTREMELY POPULAR! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sweet! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT NOW, HE HAS A REPUTATION AS A PORN GUY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw boo! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It sucks, Dromiceiomimus! People stop me in the street and say "I love your work", and what do you say to that? "I'm glad you found my stories arousing"? Because that's- that's what I say. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well, you're making people happy, and that's something, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I say "I'm glad you found my stories arousing" and I shake their hand and I smile and stare at them for a long, unblinking moment. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow, so people really liked it! You're a celebrity! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, but A SEX celebrity! It stinks! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I mean, and don't take this the wrong way, but I thought your erotica was pretty terrible! But I'm realizing I was approaching it expecting, you know, naughty tales, but your audience must have found something else they liked there! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So maybe they DON'T like it for the sex! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] UM I LIKE IT FOR THE SEX T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Me too! It's all I want out of life!! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX'S EROTICA IS EXTREMELY POPULAR! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sweet! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT NOW, HE HAS A REPUTATION AS A PORN GUY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw boo! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It sucks, Dromiceiomimus! People stop me in the street and say "I love your work", and what do you say to that? "I'm glad you found my stories arousing"? Because that's- that's what I say. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well, you're making people happy, and that's something, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I say "I'm glad you found my stories arousing" and I shake their hand and I smile and stare at them for a long, unblinking moment. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow, so people really liked it! You're a celebrity! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, but A SEX celebrity! It stinks! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I mean, and don't take this the wrong way, but I thought your erotica was pretty terrible! But I'm realizing I was approaching it expecting, you know, naughty tales, but your audience must have found something else they liked there! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So maybe they DON'T like it for the sex! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] UM I LIKE IT FOR THE SEX T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH I can't hear you |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I would like to get thoughtful Christmas presents for all my friends and family, but I have a problem. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am just not that thoughtful a person! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHOOPS? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] the end [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW WEEKS LATER AT THE MALL, T-REX TRIES A DIFFERENT TACK. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, Utahraptor, if your house was on fire, what one possession would you want to save? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] My photo album, I guess? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NO, I meant like, what replaceable, CONSUMER ELECTRONICS possession would you want to save? Also, you can't already have the possession. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aw, T-Rex! I don't want to just tell you to buy me something. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is in an MP3 player? Look, they have MP3 players here! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've met someone new! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I would like to get thoughtful Christmas presents for all my friends and family, but I have a problem. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am just not that thoughtful a person! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHOOPS? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] the end [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW WEEKS LATER AT THE MALL, T-REX TRIES A DIFFERENT TACK. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, Utahraptor, if your house was on fire, what one possession would you want to save? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] My photo album, I guess? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NO, I meant like, what replaceable, CONSUMER ELECTRONICS possession would you want to save? Also, you can't already have the possession. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aw, T-Rex! I don't want to just tell you to buy me something. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is in an MP3 player? Look, they have MP3 players here! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aren't you always saying |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hypothesis: all movie titles can be made better by the addition of the word "Friggin'". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Proff by selected examples! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Back To The Friggin' Future! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Bill And Ted's Excellent Friggin' Adventure; The Ten Friggin' Commandments; Honey, I Shrunk The Friggin' Kids! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What about Gone With The Friggin' Wind, Casa-Friggin'-Blanca, and It's A Friggin' Wonderful Life? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some Like It Friggin' Hot? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Come on, this is all the same joke! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] DENIED! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There is nuance, subtlety in the placement of the Friggin'. Contrast and compare The Friggin' Sound of Music; Guess Who's Coming to Friggin' Dinner; Big Friggin' Trouble in Little Friggin' China; and Yes, Virginia, There Is A Friggin' Santa Claus. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, I think I get it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Pride and Friggin' Prejudice. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Right on! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Look Who's Friggin' Talking! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] FRIGGIN' THE GHOSTBUSTERS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tada! The aging machine |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hypothesis: all movie titles can be made better by the addition of the word "Friggin'". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Proff by selected examples! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Back To The Friggin' Future! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Bill And Ted's Excellent Friggin' Adventure; The Ten Friggin' Commandments; Honey, I Shrunk The Friggin' Kids! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What about Gone With The Friggin' Wind, Casa-Friggin'-Blanca, and It's A Friggin' Wonderful Life? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some Like It Friggin' Hot? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Come on, this is all the same joke! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] DENIED! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There is nuance, subtlety in the placement of the Friggin'. Contrast and compare The Friggin' Sound of Music; Guess Who's Coming to Friggin' Dinner; Big Friggin' Trouble in Little Friggin' China; and Yes, Virginia, There Is A Friggin' Santa Claus. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, I think I get it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Pride and Friggin' Prejudice. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Right on! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Look Who's Friggin' Talking! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] FRIGGIN' THE GHOSTBUSTERS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...You're doing it wrong. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear body! Here are some things you need to stop doing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aging? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also, making weird noises. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hah! What kind of noises? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, yesterday I'm sitting there and my belly kind of goes "tweeeeet?" like it's a, a, a bird or something. What's with you, belly? I know you're there, yes! I don't need a "tweeeeet" to say hello. I just put food in you and that is gonna have to be INTRODUCTION ENOUGH. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Got any other body complaints? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] As a matter of fact, I DO. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] One, my body needs to survive in space, two, it needs to be able to eat paper in an emergency, three, flight would be nice, also, four, sometimes when I'm sleeping I get a cramp in my leg muscles and I have to punch the muscles. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Four is the worst? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Four is the worst! Also, FIVE, I wish my body would poop more instead of putting on weight. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR (OFF-SCREEN) [LINE] Okay! I'm done with this conversation. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, seriously! Because - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, who wants to party? I woke up and I said |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear body! Here are some things you need to stop doing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aging? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also, making weird noises. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hah! What kind of noises? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, yesterday I'm sitting there and my belly kind of goes "tweeeeet?" like it's a, a, a bird or something. What's with you, belly? I know you're there, yes! I don't need a "tweeeeet" to say hello. I just put food in you and that is gonna have to be INTRODUCTION ENOUGH. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Got any other body complaints? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] As a matter of fact, I DO. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] One, my body needs to survive in space, two, it needs to be able to eat paper in an emergency, three, flight would be nice, also, four, sometimes when I'm sleeping I get a cramp in my leg muscles and I have to punch the muscles. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Four is the worst? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Four is the worst! Also, FIVE, I wish my body would poop more instead of putting on weight. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR (OFF-SCREEN) [LINE] Okay! I'm done with this conversation. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, seriously! Because - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] because i don't like being fat and pooping is good times |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SITUATIONS IN WHICH TO USE "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There are many situations in which "that's what she said!" may be appropriately used! For example, after someone says, uh, [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "What a good date!" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's TERRIBLE. T-Rex, you're supposed to use it to recontextualize an innocuous statement into a double entendre, not to indicate that both people on the date were happy. Here, say it after I stop talking. "You can stay in my guest house for a week." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's what SHE said! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] See? Actually, no, that's not so great either. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, you can use "that's what she said!" when telling a story, too! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Literally? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, like - "Anneke said 'How do you do.' To clarify, that's what SHE said!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ug. Here, look: "T-Rex, that certainly took a long time and I didn't enjoy it at all." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's what SHE said! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Finally! Normally this isn't so hard! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's what S- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will have to find another way to win his friendship! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SITUATIONS IN WHICH TO USE "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There are many situations in which "that's what she said!" may be appropriately used! For example, after someone says, uh, [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "What a good date!" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's TERRIBLE. T-Rex, you're supposed to use it to recontextualize an innocuous statement into a double entendre, not to indicate that both people on the date were happy. Here, say it after I stop talking. "You can stay in my guest house for a week." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's what SHE said! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] See? Actually, no, that's not so great either. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, you can use "that's what she said!" when telling a story, too! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Literally? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, like - "Anneke said 'How do you do.' To clarify, that's what SHE said!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ug. Here, look: "T-Rex, that certainly took a long time and I didn't enjoy it at all." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's what SHE said! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Finally! Normally this isn't so hard! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's what S- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, don't interrupt! I WAS SAYING, normally it doesn't take me |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX HAS YET TO FIND CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR ANYONE. AGAIN. COME ON, T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No problem! I have the whole weekend to find Christmas presents! I'll get great gifts no matter - [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ONE DAY LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] - what. What? Where the heck did Saturday do? What - [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ONE DAY LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] - the heck? SUNDAY is gone too? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay. I have today to find presents. I'm safe just as long as I don't end up SOMEHOW skipping a day ahead in the narrative of my life and missing out on the whole entire - [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ONE DAY LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] - day! To repeat, Utahraptor, I did zero shopping yesterday. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] There's still time! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! Thank - [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ONE DAY LATER: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] - you for your very thoughtful present, T-Rex! It was fantastic. Just what I wanted, but never knew I needed! And it reflects both my AND your personalities perfectly. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm glad you like it! What, uh, what was it I got you again? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You know! The re- [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ONE DAY LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] -mix of "Layla" and "Smells like Teen Spirit" into one song. So everyone can listen to both of my favourite songs at the same time! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That would be a good task for the new year, yes. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just wish it'd cried less. |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX HAS YET TO FIND CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR ANYONE. AGAIN. COME ON, T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No problem! I have the whole weekend to find Christmas presents! I'll get great gifts no matter - [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ONE DAY LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] - what. What? Where the heck did Saturday do? What - [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ONE DAY LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] - the heck? SUNDAY is gone too? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay. I have today to find presents. I'm safe just as long as I don't end up SOMEHOW skipping a day ahead in the narrative of my life and missing out on the whole entire - [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ONE DAY LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] - day! To repeat, Utahraptor, I did zero shopping yesterday. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] There's still time! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! Thank - [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ONE DAY LATER: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] - you for your very thoughtful present, T-Rex! It was fantastic. Just what I wanted, but never knew I needed! And it reflects both my AND your personalities perfectly. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm glad you like it! What, uh, what was it I got you again? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You know! The re- [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ONE DAY LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] -mix of "Layla" and "Smells like Teen Spirit" into one song. So everyone can listen to both of my favourite songs at the same time! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That would be a good task for the new year, yes. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is what I keep saying! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I love punch! I love drinking delicious punch, PROBABLY because of how it's so delicious. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hooray for punch! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Are you mentioning punch because the party tonight is so liable to feature punch, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] QUITE LIKELY! I don't know why I'm suddenly so into what is essentially juice mixed with maybe pop or alcohol, served in a fancy bowl with spoons, but I'm running with it. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well I guess I'll see you there tonight, punch in hand. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh God yes. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AT THE PARTY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, this party even has a stomping room! I'm totally going to get some punch soon. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] All you're doing is talking about delicious punch. Why not just go get some? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, I'm gonna! I'm gonna go get in line for some punch RIGHT NOW! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay then! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is this the punch line? [SPEAKER] STAGE RIGHT [LINE] This is the line for the bathroom! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But YOU forgot to wear it too, Utahraptor. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I love punch! I love drinking delicious punch, PROBABLY because of how it's so delicious. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hooray for punch! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Are you mentioning punch because the party tonight is so liable to feature punch, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] QUITE LIKELY! I don't know why I'm suddenly so into what is essentially juice mixed with maybe pop or alcohol, served in a fancy bowl with spoons, but I'm running with it. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well I guess I'll see you there tonight, punch in hand. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh God yes. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AT THE PARTY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, this party even has a stomping room! I'm totally going to get some punch soon. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] All you're doing is talking about delicious punch. Why not just go get some? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, I'm gonna! I'm gonna go get in line for some punch RIGHT NOW! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay then! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is this the punch line? [SPEAKER] STAGE RIGHT [LINE] This is the line for the bathroom! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So - you're saying there is no punch |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have compiled a list of people I enjoy seeing! A list, if you will... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... of my friends! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, you are on my list of friends! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Um - thanks? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Think nothing of it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tiny woman, you are NOT on my list! Prepare for a stomping! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What are you doing?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, Utahraptor, I'm glad you asked. I've compiled a list of my friends and I am stomping on those who are not on my list! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow, you must have a lot of stomping to do. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why yes, as a matter of fact I - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, I was just chatting |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have compiled a list of people I enjoy seeing! A list, if you will... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... of my friends! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, you are on my list of friends! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Um - thanks? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Think nothing of it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tiny woman, you are NOT on my list! Prepare for a stomping! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What are you doing?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, Utahraptor, I'm glad you asked. I've compiled a list of my friends and I am stomping on those who are not on my list! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow, you must have a lot of stomping to do. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why yes, as a matter of fact I - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HEY! You're off the list! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] OFF PANEL [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's so great, Dromiceiomimus! It's a real boxing kangaroo with big red boxing gloves, like in the zeitgeist, AND in cartoons! And he boxes a person so hard that they get their hat knocked off and then when they go to pick up their hat, he boxes them in the butt!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WE HAVE TO GO. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Okay! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Did I just hear you say [SPEAKER] T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "boxing kangaroo"?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You sure did! Dromiceiomimus and I are going! You should come. You should come because the kangaroo is going to solve his problems with his fists, and when he's done his problems are gonna be solved RIGHT IN THE FACE. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Heck, I'm not busy. Let's go right now! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AT THE CIRCUS: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah! What's the matter, monocle guy? You don't like being boxed by a kangaroo??? [SPEAKER] MONOCLE GUY [LINE] I'm not allowed to punch back because that would be animal cruelty! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Though, I think, not as much as I would have |
real | [SPEAKER] OFF PANEL [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's so great, Dromiceiomimus! It's a real boxing kangaroo with big red boxing gloves, like in the zeitgeist, AND in cartoons! And he boxes a person so hard that they get their hat knocked off and then when they go to pick up their hat, he boxes them in the butt!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WE HAVE TO GO. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Okay! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Did I just hear you say [SPEAKER] T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "boxing kangaroo"?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You sure did! Dromiceiomimus and I are going! You should come. You should come because the kangaroo is going to solve his problems with his fists, and when he's done his problems are gonna be solved RIGHT IN THE FACE. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Heck, I'm not busy. Let's go right now! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AT THE CIRCUS: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah! What's the matter, monocle guy? You don't like being boxed by a kangaroo??? [SPEAKER] MONOCLE GUY [LINE] I'm not allowed to punch back because that would be animal cruelty! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! Monocle guy! The kangaroo just punched off your monocle! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX VISITS A GHOST TOWN. [SPEAKER] T [LINE] Rex: Attention, any ghosts that can hear me! I have one thing to say to you: [SPEAKER] T [LINE] Rex: this is awesome [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It was great, Dromiceiomimus: a whole town that had been abandoned! All these collapsing buildings and rusting machines. It was APOCALYPSE PORN. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I'd love to see it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We should go! It's so great. You get a glimpse of what the world would be like if it all went wrong, and we all died tomorrow! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What actually happened to the town? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The mine dried up and everyone moved away! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But the buildings are still there, and they're great. It's clich?, but walking around you see all these amazing little tokens of previous life: a forgotten doll, a can of food long since unidentifiable... Dromiceiomimus and I are going back. Want to come? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sure! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BACK AT THE GHOST TOWN: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's okay, I guess. It's mostly just a bunch of crappy buildings! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Don't even, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Don't even what? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The ONLY advantage I can think of is that it'll be cool on Hallowe'en. That's it! And |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX VISITS A GHOST TOWN. [SPEAKER] T [LINE] Rex: Attention, any ghosts that can hear me! I have one thing to say to you: [SPEAKER] T [LINE] Rex: this is awesome [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It was great, Dromiceiomimus: a whole town that had been abandoned! All these collapsing buildings and rusting machines. It was APOCALYPSE PORN. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I'd love to see it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We should go! It's so great. You get a glimpse of what the world would be like if it all went wrong, and we all died tomorrow! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What actually happened to the town? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The mine dried up and everyone moved away! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But the buildings are still there, and they're great. It's clich?, but walking around you see all these amazing little tokens of previous life: a forgotten doll, a can of food long since unidentifiable... Dromiceiomimus and I are going back. Want to come? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sure! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BACK AT THE GHOST TOWN: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's okay, I guess. It's mostly just a bunch of crappy buildings! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Don't even, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Don't even what? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Don't even - don't even tell me you don't appreciate the stark aesthetics and beauty of decay |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WHAT YOUNG T-REX THINKS ADULT LIFE WILL BE LIKE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have lots of my own money so I can eat cookie dough whenever I want. I don't even have to cook it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My job is "astronaut" [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE END [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WHAT TEEN T-REX THINKS ADULT LIFE WILL BE LIKE: [SPEAKER] T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] We're rich and have our own cars! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] yeah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, remember when my mom switched off my computer for no reason and didn't even let me save my game? I bet she feels bad about it NOW and wishes she had been nicer to me NOW that I've MOVED OUT FOREVER just like I said I would!! [SPEAKER] T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But it's too late! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX NOW YOU HAVE TO SHOW AN ALIEN WOMAN WHAT LOVE IS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, excellent! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When you break up with |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WHAT YOUNG T-REX THINKS ADULT LIFE WILL BE LIKE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have lots of my own money so I can eat cookie dough whenever I want. I don't even have to cook it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My job is "astronaut" [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE END [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WHAT TEEN T-REX THINKS ADULT LIFE WILL BE LIKE: [SPEAKER] T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] We're rich and have our own cars! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] yeah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, remember when my mom switched off my computer for no reason and didn't even let me save my game? I bet she feels bad about it NOW and wishes she had been nicer to me NOW that I've MOVED OUT FOREVER just like I said I would!! [SPEAKER] T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But it's too late! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX NOW YOU HAVE TO SHOW AN ALIEN WOMAN WHAT LOVE IS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, excellent! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's - that's just excellent! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE SPECIAL MEAL an exercise in frustration [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for preparing a special meal! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] based on a true story [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'd better go gather the ingredients! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I can't find ANY of the ingredients I need! What the hell? It's not like I'm looking for some ancient spice! I JUST WANT SOME PAPRIKA. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Argh! So frustrated! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What's the matter? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, I just can't find the ingredients I need for the special meal I'm preparing. It's very frustrating. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I can imagine! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hasta la vista, tiny woman! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE SPECIAL MEAL an exercise in frustration [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for preparing a special meal! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] based on a true story [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'd better go gather the ingredients! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I can't find ANY of the ingredients I need! What the hell? It's not like I'm looking for some ancient spice! I JUST WANT SOME PAPRIKA. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Argh! So frustrated! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What's the matter? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, I just can't find the ingredients I need for the special meal I'm preparing. It's very frustrating. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I can imagine! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Screw it! We're having Kraft |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED FILM COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's film: [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] CASABLANCA [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay so it's WWII and we're in Casablanca and people here want to go to America but they can't. But check it out: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm an American named Rick and I have two free tickets to America! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And I am Ilsa, a mysterious woman who had a torrid affair with you in the past, but who then stood you up at a train station. But check THIS out: I was married the whole time we were dating and still totally am! Also, I love you and you'll have to do the thinking for both of us. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FINE [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I am Captain Renault! I'm a corrupt French official but I'm totally likeable. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You APPEAR to help the Nazis in the film, but then you let me get away with murdering one at the end so that Ilsa and her weaksauce husband can go to America. The movie should really be about OUR relationship! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Seriously! We're these two great dudes who get all the film's best lines. Why don't we hang out more? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] GUYS YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO COMPRESS THE FILM NOT MAKE IT INTO A GAY ROMANCE STORY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Too late! We already did! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Here's looking at you, kid!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] See, why didn't I ever say that to YOU? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] These are symptoms! We should be |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED FILM COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's film: [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] CASABLANCA [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay so it's WWII and we're in Casablanca and people here want to go to America but they can't. But check it out: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm an American named Rick and I have two free tickets to America! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And I am Ilsa, a mysterious woman who had a torrid affair with you in the past, but who then stood you up at a train station. But check THIS out: I was married the whole time we were dating and still totally am! Also, I love you and you'll have to do the thinking for both of us. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FINE [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I am Captain Renault! I'm a corrupt French official but I'm totally likeable. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You APPEAR to help the Nazis in the film, but then you let me get away with murdering one at the end so that Ilsa and her weaksauce husband can go to America. The movie should really be about OUR relationship! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Seriously! We're these two great dudes who get all the film's best lines. Why don't we hang out more? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] GUYS YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO COMPRESS THE FILM NOT MAKE IT INTO A GAY ROMANCE STORY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Too late! We already did! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Here's looking at you, kid!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] See, why didn't I ever say that to YOU? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This movie needs way more gay |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So I kind of shot my mouth off on an online forum? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it happened to be a forum in which I use my real name! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And now I am concerned that if someone looks up my name online, they will see me acting like a jerk, and will conclude that I AM a jerk, and then they won't want to hire me or marry me or whatever. They - they won't want to do the thing that they were thinking of doing before they looked up my name. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what are you going to do? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Avoid it, dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The way I figure it, after about five years we gain the ability to look back on anything and laugh, and I can reasonably say "Oh, but I was young and stupid back then!". So, BASICALLY, I'm going to wait five years and then stop worrying about it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I see. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FOUR AND A HALF YEARS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX'S GRANDMA [LINE] Hey T-rex, you were a real dick on the internet four and a half years ago! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I KNOW, GRANDMA. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because that would be plagiarism, and plagiarism is wrong! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So I kind of shot my mouth off on an online forum? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it happened to be a forum in which I use my real name! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And now I am concerned that if someone looks up my name online, they will see me acting like a jerk, and will conclude that I AM a jerk, and then they won't want to hire me or marry me or whatever. They - they won't want to do the thing that they were thinking of doing before they looked up my name. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what are you going to do? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Avoid it, dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The way I figure it, after about five years we gain the ability to look back on anything and laugh, and I can reasonably say "Oh, but I was young and stupid back then!". So, BASICALLY, I'm going to wait five years and then stop worrying about it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I see. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FOUR AND A HALF YEARS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX'S GRANDMA [LINE] Hey T-rex, you were a real dick on the internet four and a half years ago! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I KNOW, GRANDMA. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HOW DIDTHE MUFFINS YOU WERE PLANNING TO BAKE TURN |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] After the success of my role of "Tony", the hard-living mechanic, I have won another role! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This play is more abstract, for you see... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I play "Religion"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am faith, trust, and hope! I am the profound belief in a power larger and more important than ourselves. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am truth and beauty! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am love and humility! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the role I was born to play! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, I forgot to tell you my big news the other day! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's that? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I got a part in the new play down at the community centre! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Guess what? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I play "Science"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nooooo! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A "mirror" universe, if |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] After the success of my role of "Tony", the hard-living mechanic, I have won another role! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This play is more abstract, for you see... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I play "Religion"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am faith, trust, and hope! I am the profound belief in a power larger and more important than ourselves. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am truth and beauty! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am love and humility! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the role I was born to play! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, I forgot to tell you my big news the other day! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's that? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I got a part in the new play down at the community centre! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Guess what? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I play "Science"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nooooo! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Our friendship is doomed!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some people do not cherish awkward moments as I do. Lukily for them, I have come up with a solution! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The solution, as in most things, is smooching! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Awkward moments are awkward because nobody knows what to do or say. But if you swoop in for a kiss, it's no longer an awkward moment! You've avoided it entirely by transitioning it into a moment of "OH GREAT WHAT THE HACK NOW I HAVE TO SLAP THIS PERSON FOR THEIR UNWANTED ADVANCES" or even a moment of "OH GREAT WHAT THE HECK NOW THEY LOVE ME TOO" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I feel like you haven't thought this out, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I - I really do. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] My friend, if you're going to be doing that much kissing, you'd better brush up a bit on it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] wHAT? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm serious! If you kiss someone and it's a sucky kiss, that just escalates the awkward moment! And I don't mean to brag, but I'm a pretty great kisser. One time I kissed a guy and he said, UNSOLICITED, that it was the best kiss he'd ever had. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Seriously? Can you teach me? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] with - words? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nobody even noticed how I made my examples of the awkward moment kiss gender neutral! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty clever, boys!! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some people do not cherish awkward moments as I do. Lukily for them, I have come up with a solution! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The solution, as in most things, is smooching! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Awkward moments are awkward because nobody knows what to do or say. But if you swoop in for a kiss, it's no longer an awkward moment! You've avoided it entirely by transitioning it into a moment of "OH GREAT WHAT THE HACK NOW I HAVE TO SLAP THIS PERSON FOR THEIR UNWANTED ADVANCES" or even a moment of "OH GREAT WHAT THE HECK NOW THEY LOVE ME TOO" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I feel like you haven't thought this out, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I - I really do. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] My friend, if you're going to be doing that much kissing, you'd better brush up a bit on it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] wHAT? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm serious! If you kiss someone and it's a sucky kiss, that just escalates the awkward moment! And I don't mean to brag, but I'm a pretty great kisser. One time I kissed a guy and he said, UNSOLICITED, that it was the best kiss he'd ever had. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Seriously? Can you teach me? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] with - words? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nobody even noticed how I made my examples of the awkward moment kiss gender neutral! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's so you |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so whatever. MAYBE the Terminal Velocity Skateboard Simulator would never reach terminal velocity, since there's no wind resistance. But do we not have an obligation to future generations to make sure?? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] NOPE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whatever! If I were in the future and I could open up a book and see "The awesome terminal velocity skateboard didn't work, OH WELL", then I would do that. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I don't think you would, T-Rex! Because you could basically do that today, if you wanted to read up on the physics. The issue is that even with the ground moving, the board is going to slide down the ramp because of gravity. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ridiculous! There's friction in the wheels that - [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] - wouldn't be enough! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The treadmill speeds up to match the board's forward momentum, right? But if you've got impossibly perfect bearings, that's just going to make the wheels go faster while the board still slides down. So it's just the friction in the bearings that can keep you in place, and at the levels we're talking about, your wheels would melt first! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FINE. You know what? FINE. I'm done dreaming! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Will you vote for me? |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so whatever. MAYBE the Terminal Velocity Skateboard Simulator would never reach terminal velocity, since there's no wind resistance. But do we not have an obligation to future generations to make sure?? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] NOPE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whatever! If I were in the future and I could open up a book and see "The awesome terminal velocity skateboard didn't work, OH WELL", then I would do that. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I don't think you would, T-Rex! Because you could basically do that today, if you wanted to read up on the physics. The issue is that even with the ground moving, the board is going to slide down the ramp because of gravity. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ridiculous! There's friction in the wheels that - [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] - wouldn't be enough! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The treadmill speeds up to match the board's forward momentum, right? But if you've got impossibly perfect bearings, that's just going to make the wheels go faster while the board still slides down. So it's just the friction in the bearings that can keep you in place, and at the levels we're talking about, your wheels would melt first! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FINE. You know what? FINE. I'm done dreaming! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, NOW I'm done dreaming. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys! Guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I came up with a way to get my skateboard treadmill to work! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All I need is a treadmill that tilts! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That way, rather than relying on friction and stuff to manage the position of the skateboarder, I can just tilt the incline up or down in order to keep them in the right position. Then, hey presto, it works and physics is happy! FOR ONCE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Alternatively, I could have a giant fan, like the kind used in skydiving simulators, and use air to help keep the skateboarder where I want him to be. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Both of these seem like pretty expensive solutions! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's true! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I realized: if I do have this giant fan, it'll be way more fun to use it OFFENSIVELY than it'd be to simulate skating indoors. So anyway, I bought the fan, installed it on my house and now I blow enemies off my lawn. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ha, no way! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor. It's so awesome. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Attention, enemies! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Honestly I don't know what you feel that brings |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys! Guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I came up with a way to get my skateboard treadmill to work! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All I need is a treadmill that tilts! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That way, rather than relying on friction and stuff to manage the position of the skateboarder, I can just tilt the incline up or down in order to keep them in the right position. Then, hey presto, it works and physics is happy! FOR ONCE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Alternatively, I could have a giant fan, like the kind used in skydiving simulators, and use air to help keep the skateboarder where I want him to be. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Both of these seem like pretty expensive solutions! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's true! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I realized: if I do have this giant fan, it'll be way more fun to use it OFFENSIVELY than it'd be to simulate skating indoors. So anyway, I bought the fan, installed it on my house and now I blow enemies off my lawn. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ha, no way! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor. It's so awesome. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Attention, enemies! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why not come onto my lawn for a second |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Before I used to dread the "what are you doing with your life" question, but not anymore! This is because I've decided what I'm doing with my life: creating SHAKESPEARE VIDEO GAMES. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Could this TRULY be the greatest calling ever? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I already have tons of ideas, like "Richard the Third the Game"! In the introductory thematic you trade your kingdom for a horse, and then you spend the rest of the game riding around your old kingdom on a horse. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So it's a platformer? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] With stealth elements! Your horse isn't very good, and so sometimes you're embarrassed about your horse, and then you have to sneak around. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You really think people want to ride around on a platforming horse as Richard the Third? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know I do! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So, what, the ice level is called "Winter of Discontent"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, that's dumb. The ice level is called "Oh, no! King Richard The Third Has Chilly Pants." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Look, I'm going to prototype it tonight, so by this time tomorrow, we'll see what's what. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE NEXT DAY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, Utahraptor! What do you think? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] This is just a picture of Richard the Third's head on Duke Nukem's body. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I hope that will not be the case today, with... |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Before I used to dread the "what are you doing with your life" question, but not anymore! This is because I've decided what I'm doing with my life: creating SHAKESPEARE VIDEO GAMES. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Could this TRULY be the greatest calling ever? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I already have tons of ideas, like "Richard the Third the Game"! In the introductory thematic you trade your kingdom for a horse, and then you spend the rest of the game riding around your old kingdom on a horse. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So it's a platformer? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] With stealth elements! Your horse isn't very good, and so sometimes you're embarrassed about your horse, and then you have to sneak around. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You really think people want to ride around on a platforming horse as Richard the Third? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know I do! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So, what, the ice level is called "Winter of Discontent"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, that's dumb. The ice level is called "Oh, no! King Richard The Third Has Chilly Pants." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Look, I'm going to prototype it tonight, so by this time tomorrow, we'll see what's what. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE NEXT DAY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, Utahraptor! What do you think? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] This is just a picture of Richard the Third's head on Duke Nukem's body. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's as far as I got before it was too |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SCIENCE VS RELIGION: round one [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So the Utahraptor's playing Science to my Religion, eh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This means war! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Science will wither in the face of my sense of community and sharing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How can Science hope to compete with my gifts of enlightenment and hope? I bring nothing less than inner peace! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But your "gift" of inner peace comes at the cost of closing your eyes to the world around you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What?! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You achieve peace only through a sort of "giving up" of your own free will, by either deciding that the world is as God intended, or, alternatively, that He will be the one to fix it, using you as his "tools"! Isn't this mere escapism, a hiding from the burden of personal responsibility? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my God! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is a common misconception that |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SCIENCE VS RELIGION: round one [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So the Utahraptor's playing Science to my Religion, eh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This means war! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Science will wither in the face of my sense of community and sharing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How can Science hope to compete with my gifts of enlightenment and hope? I bring nothing less than inner peace! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But your "gift" of inner peace comes at the cost of closing your eyes to the world around you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What?! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You achieve peace only through a sort of "giving up" of your own free will, by either deciding that the world is as God intended, or, alternatively, that He will be the one to fix it, using you as his "tools"! Isn't this mere escapism, a hiding from the burden of personal responsibility? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my God! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Science has all the answers AGAIN! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ted's so great. I just want to hang out with him all day long! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX HAS MET A MAN WHOSE VOICE SOUNDS JUST LIKE A TEXT-TO-SPEECH SYNTHESIZER! NEAT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's like hanging out with a computer friend, only he has emotions! Well, I guess it's MORE like hanging out with a regular friend, only when he says "Pass me a bowl of fruit" it comes out as a monotonic "Pass me a boal of frui-it". What's not to like? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] He has a vocoder? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What he has, Dromiceiomimus, is a gift! The gift is labelled "best accent ever". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Whoah, hold the front page! T-Rex is fetishizing the other! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm NOT. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You totally are! You never have a middle ground: it's always "oh, it's not for me" or "oh WOW this thing I don't have is so AMAZING how can this be so AWESOME?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] UTAHRAPTOR. His speaking voice sounds like a text-to-speech synthesizer. That is awesome! That is objectively awesome. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I dunno - I still think you fetishize the other, T-Rex! What do you think, Mr. Tusks? [SPEAKER] MR. TUSKS [LINE] I think he does it a TINY bit, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Mr. Tusks!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also: there's also no such thing as a random event! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ted's so great. I just want to hang out with him all day long! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX HAS MET A MAN WHOSE VOICE SOUNDS JUST LIKE A TEXT-TO-SPEECH SYNTHESIZER! NEAT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's like hanging out with a computer friend, only he has emotions! Well, I guess it's MORE like hanging out with a regular friend, only when he says "Pass me a bowl of fruit" it comes out as a monotonic "Pass me a boal of frui-it". What's not to like? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] He has a vocoder? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What he has, Dromiceiomimus, is a gift! The gift is labelled "best accent ever". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Whoah, hold the front page! T-Rex is fetishizing the other! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm NOT. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You totally are! You never have a middle ground: it's always "oh, it's not for me" or "oh WOW this thing I don't have is so AMAZING how can this be so AWESOME?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] UTAHRAPTOR. His speaking voice sounds like a text-to-speech synthesizer. That is awesome! That is objectively awesome. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I dunno - I still think you fetishize the other, T-Rex! What do you think, Mr. Tusks? [SPEAKER] MR. TUSKS [LINE] I think he does it a TINY bit, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Mr. Tusks!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] this smile is because I'm always happy to see you, |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Normally people have trouble with sequels after their first idea is so, and I'll say it, so transcendentally brilliant. But not me! I have ideas for basically infinite sequels. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Basically infinite out-of-genre cover sequels, that is! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When my explosion-centric disaster movie comes out and people want more, I will say to them, "No, ACTUALLY, you want the same thing, but this time, as a gross-out comedy!" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So the story starts out the same, but the guy slips on some lube and then lands in an old jock strap! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! PRECISELY. And it keeps happening throughout the film. The power goes out, and nationwide, folks slip on the lube. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The next sequel could be a road trip movie! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] EVEN BETTER. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some TEENS go out on a road trip and unwittingly stay just ahead of all the destruction! You can see it in the background of some of the shots, but they never notice...because they are all too busy learning about friendship! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I like it! Dozens of sequels, all revolving around the same story! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A western! A loner cowboy, caught between wilderness and civilization, enters the nation and tries to stop the disasters! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Does he succeed? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No. He shoots a lot of guys while failing to stop it, though! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've forgotten pretty much everyone who didn't go on to |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Normally people have trouble with sequels after their first idea is so, and I'll say it, so transcendentally brilliant. But not me! I have ideas for basically infinite sequels. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Basically infinite out-of-genre cover sequels, that is! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When my explosion-centric disaster movie comes out and people want more, I will say to them, "No, ACTUALLY, you want the same thing, but this time, as a gross-out comedy!" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So the story starts out the same, but the guy slips on some lube and then lands in an old jock strap! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! PRECISELY. And it keeps happening throughout the film. The power goes out, and nationwide, folks slip on the lube. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The next sequel could be a road trip movie! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] EVEN BETTER. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some TEENS go out on a road trip and unwittingly stay just ahead of all the destruction! You can see it in the background of some of the shots, but they never notice...because they are all too busy learning about friendship! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I like it! Dozens of sequels, all revolving around the same story! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A western! A loner cowboy, caught between wilderness and civilization, enters the nation and tries to stop the disasters! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Does he succeed? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No. He shoots a lot of guys while failing to stop it, though! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "There is a showdown between a cowboy and a volcano." |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THE AMAZING STORY OF EDWARD S. CURTIS. Edward S. Curtis was a photographer of American Indians in the early 1900s! I know he was tough because his middle name was "Sheriff". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For most of his life he documented the disappearing "great race" of the Indian! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He took over 40 thousand photographs - not bad for one guy! And in many cases, his records are the only recorded history we've got. But what's amazing about Curtis is that he specifically set out to record the doomed people his culture imagined Indians to be: the noble savage, the Indian that was alien, stoic, exotic and dying. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And when he met Indians that DIDN'T meet his expectations, he just changed them for his photographs. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, he carried boxes of "Indian" clothing and wigs with him: ethnic signifiers for his subjects if they didn't look Indian enough! And his Indian was clean-shaven, so he'd pay men to shave. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's an interesting conflict in the guy: record the Indian before they "die out", but already know what you want to see. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! I think it's amazing how we've still got this idea of the Indian that we look for. If there's no headdress we're disappointed! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Only if we're RACIST, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's what I'm saying! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It should have |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THE AMAZING STORY OF EDWARD S. CURTIS. Edward S. Curtis was a photographer of American Indians in the early 1900s! I know he was tough because his middle name was "Sheriff". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For most of his life he documented the disappearing "great race" of the Indian! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He took over 40 thousand photographs - not bad for one guy! And in many cases, his records are the only recorded history we've got. But what's amazing about Curtis is that he specifically set out to record the doomed people his culture imagined Indians to be: the noble savage, the Indian that was alien, stoic, exotic and dying. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And when he met Indians that DIDN'T meet his expectations, he just changed them for his photographs. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, he carried boxes of "Indian" clothing and wigs with him: ethnic signifiers for his subjects if they didn't look Indian enough! And his Indian was clean-shaven, so he'd pay men to shave. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's an interesting conflict in the guy: record the Indian before they "die out", but already know what you want to see. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! I think it's amazing how we've still got this idea of the Indian that we look for. If there's no headdress we're disappointed! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Only if we're RACIST, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's what I'm saying! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everybody's friggin' racist! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED SONG COMICS "WOULDN'T IT BE NICE" BY THE BEACH BOYS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The Beach Boys... well, it seems the Beach Boys wish they were older, living together, and sleeping with each other. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They describe such a scenario as "nice"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Other scenarios they describe as "nice" include all five Beach Boys waking up together, spending the day together, and then holding each other close. They also wish their kisses were neverending, as that would be nice, and they wish they were all married, they'd be happy. "Wouldn't [that] be nice?", they ask each other in the chorus, largely rhetorically. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They're talking to a GIRL, T-Rex, not each other! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So heteronormative! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Listen, if there's a group of people on stage and they start out throwing out "wouldn't it be nice if WE were older"s, I don't imagine a hypothetical female third party! I look at THEM. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They address later lyrics to "baby"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That is an audience member baby, acting as a SCRIBE. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED SONG COMICS "SURF CITY" BY THE BEACH BOYS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] After moving in together, the Beach Boys take a trip to Surf City, where there's two women for every man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FIRST OFF: whatever! And second off: what if I died and you wanted pictures? |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED SONG COMICS "WOULDN'T IT BE NICE" BY THE BEACH BOYS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The Beach Boys... well, it seems the Beach Boys wish they were older, living together, and sleeping with each other. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They describe such a scenario as "nice"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Other scenarios they describe as "nice" include all five Beach Boys waking up together, spending the day together, and then holding each other close. They also wish their kisses were neverending, as that would be nice, and they wish they were all married, they'd be happy. "Wouldn't [that] be nice?", they ask each other in the chorus, largely rhetorically. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They're talking to a GIRL, T-Rex, not each other! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So heteronormative! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Listen, if there's a group of people on stage and they start out throwing out "wouldn't it be nice if WE were older"s, I don't imagine a hypothetical female third party! I look at THEM. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They address later lyrics to "baby"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That is an audience member baby, acting as a SCRIBE. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED SONG COMICS "SURF CITY" BY THE BEACH BOYS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] After moving in together, the Beach Boys take a trip to Surf City, where there's two women for every man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's difficult to reconcile the events in this song with established Beach Boys canon |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SONGS IN LIMERICK FORM COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? What? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE WHITE STRIPES: SEVEN NATION ARMY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, um: There was a young man who would yell, That we all had a story to tell, Feelings in his bones Said to find a home From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] THAT'S REALLY NOT BAD FOR SOMETHING RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know, right? Go me! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Is that what we do now? Just shift songs into different formats? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's fun! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I just was hoping to hear more about you and your life right now, you know? How'd that Nazi Pin thing work out for you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, honestly, who wants to hear about Nazi pins? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Me! I do. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And INSTEAD, who wants to hear me sing the classic rock power ballad "Total Eclipse of the Heart", while SIMULTANEOUSLY transforming the chorus into one focused on NAUGHTY LIMERICKS?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I do! I do! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello everyone, it's me! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SONGS IN LIMERICK FORM COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? What? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE WHITE STRIPES: SEVEN NATION ARMY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, um: There was a young man who would yell, That we all had a story to tell, Feelings in his bones Said to find a home From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] THAT'S REALLY NOT BAD FOR SOMETHING RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know, right? Go me! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Is that what we do now? Just shift songs into different formats? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's fun! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I just was hoping to hear more about you and your life right now, you know? How'd that Nazi Pin thing work out for you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, honestly, who wants to hear about Nazi pins? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Me! I do. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And INSTEAD, who wants to hear me sing the classic rock power ballad "Total Eclipse of the Heart", while SIMULTANEOUSLY transforming the chorus into one focused on NAUGHTY LIMERICKS?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I do! I do! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You only get one |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know the trope in cartoons where there's a "help wanted" sign, and the unemployed hero will go into the store and take the sign down, because he's SO SURE he'll get the job? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But then the boss hates him so much that he LITERALLY kicks him out and then slaps the sign back up? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wish that happened more in real life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *sigh* [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW MONTHS LATER: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex! There's a store downtown with a help wanted sign up! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Don't you remember how you wanted to see that cartoon thing in real life? Now's your chance! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! You're right, this IS my chance! I forgot about it untill now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man oh man! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guess what, mom? I got a job I don't want as a florist today, entirely by accident! [SPEAKER] T-REX'S MOM [LINE] How come this sort of stuff happens to you, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MOM [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is it nothing more than a convenience, a mere- |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know the trope in cartoons where there's a "help wanted" sign, and the unemployed hero will go into the store and take the sign down, because he's SO SURE he'll get the job? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But then the boss hates him so much that he LITERALLY kicks him out and then slaps the sign back up? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wish that happened more in real life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *sigh* [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW MONTHS LATER: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex! There's a store downtown with a help wanted sign up! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Don't you remember how you wanted to see that cartoon thing in real life? Now's your chance! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! You're right, this IS my chance! I forgot about it untill now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man oh man! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guess what, mom? I got a job I don't want as a florist today, entirely by accident! [SPEAKER] T-REX'S MOM [LINE] How come this sort of stuff happens to you, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MOM [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's because I am trying to live in CARTOONS. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so let's say I sleep 8 hours a day: that's 16 hours a day I'm awake. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And let's say I'm knocked unconscious for, on average, 2 hours a year! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That takes into account times I hit my head on low-hanging chandeliers, and times when enemies punch my head. Okay, so that's, what - 243 days of consciousness a year? 66% of the year. I've had almost 18 years of consciousness since I was born. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I should have done more by now! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why haven't you cured cancer yet, T-Rex? What is the friggin' hold up? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Cancer's a bad example because I'm so far from being a doctor, but what HAVE I done with my mind, with my brainpower? I've had, effectively, 18 full years, uninterrupted without sleep, to think about the world's problems! And I've solved ZERO of them. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't know what to tell you, my friend! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] 15 YEARS LATER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, I STILL haven't solved any world issues! This is like a mid-life crisis, except it's been ongoing since I was six! [SPEAKER] T-REX'S LADY FRIEND [LINE] This is the worst first date I've ever been on. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And David Suzuki was there too! I |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so let's say I sleep 8 hours a day: that's 16 hours a day I'm awake. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And let's say I'm knocked unconscious for, on average, 2 hours a year! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That takes into account times I hit my head on low-hanging chandeliers, and times when enemies punch my head. Okay, so that's, what - 243 days of consciousness a year? 66% of the year. I've had almost 18 years of consciousness since I was born. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I should have done more by now! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why haven't you cured cancer yet, T-Rex? What is the friggin' hold up? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Cancer's a bad example because I'm so far from being a doctor, but what HAVE I done with my mind, with my brainpower? I've had, effectively, 18 full years, uninterrupted without sleep, to think about the world's problems! And I've solved ZERO of them. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't know what to tell you, my friend! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] 15 YEARS LATER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, I STILL haven't solved any world issues! This is like a mid-life crisis, except it's been ongoing since I was six! [SPEAKER] T-REX'S LADY FRIEND [LINE] This is the worst first date I've ever been on. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AW CRAP I'M NOT MARRIED YET EITHER?? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX YESTERDAY YOU SAID THAT SPLINTER TAUGHT THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES TO BE NINJA TEAMS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I did and I stand by it! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] UM [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] PRETTY SURE THE LYRICS SAY HE TAUGHT THEM TO BE NINJA TEENS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Listen, okay, you don't have to be taught how to be a ninja TEEN. If you're a ninja and you're a teen, then you're already being a ninja teen! But working in groups can be a challenge, especially for siblings, and Splinter provided valuable leadership and guidance on that matter and that's what the lyrics are saying. He taught them to be ninja TEAMS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But they always operate as a group, right? There's really only one ninja team, singular. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] EVERYONE IS WRONG BUT ME. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I'll prove it to you! I'll track down Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird and find out, alright? And then you'll all have to apologize to me and say "Oh, T-Rex, I was so wrong! Teamwork is the REAL treasure." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm doing it!! [SPEAKER] LATER [LINE] [SPEAKER] PETER LAIRD AND KEVIN EASTMAN [LINE] Can't we all just agree that Raphael is cool? But, ON OCCASION, he can also be crude. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, whatever! That wasn't even a mistake. I've got |
real | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX YESTERDAY YOU SAID THAT SPLINTER TAUGHT THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES TO BE NINJA TEAMS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I did and I stand by it! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] UM [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] PRETTY SURE THE LYRICS SAY HE TAUGHT THEM TO BE NINJA TEENS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Listen, okay, you don't have to be taught how to be a ninja TEEN. If you're a ninja and you're a teen, then you're already being a ninja teen! But working in groups can be a challenge, especially for siblings, and Splinter provided valuable leadership and guidance on that matter and that's what the lyrics are saying. He taught them to be ninja TEAMS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But they always operate as a group, right? There's really only one ninja team, singular. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] EVERYONE IS WRONG BUT ME. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I'll prove it to you! I'll track down Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird and find out, alright? And then you'll all have to apologize to me and say "Oh, T-Rex, I was so wrong! Teamwork is the REAL treasure." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm doing it!! [SPEAKER] LATER [LINE] [SPEAKER] PETER LAIRD AND KEVIN EASTMAN [LINE] Can't we all just agree that Raphael is cool? But, ON OCCASION, he can also be crude. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I must request that you give me a break! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A lot of folks get tattoos commemorating life experiences they've had. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys! We can do better! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to get tattoos commemorating life experiences I WISH I'd had. Perhaps a nice banner on my chest that says, "Around the World Race Participant: Giraffe Division!" Or there could be a picture of me, riding a giraffe, and then the giraffe is straddling the world. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I don't think you'd fit on a giraffe, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's why I'm working in the fanciful medium of the tattoo! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] These ideas aren't actually that bad! I think tattoos should be ridiculous. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I also thought passive-aggressive tattoos would be fun. Like instead of a heart that says, "Mom", a heart that says "Hey MOM thanks for buying me a private island!" And then when my mom sees it and says "I never bought you that", I can say "Not yet!" and smile! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Moms like that, right? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AT THE TATTOO PARLOUR: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What I want is a to-do list on my hand, only it says "Be awesome" and that's crossed out, and then "Get tattoo" and that's crossed out, and then "Sex up the person reading this". [SPEAKER] TATTOO ARTIST [LINE] And you PROMISE you won't regret this? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is it still alright |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A lot of folks get tattoos commemorating life experiences they've had. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys! We can do better! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to get tattoos commemorating life experiences I WISH I'd had. Perhaps a nice banner on my chest that says, "Around the World Race Participant: Giraffe Division!" Or there could be a picture of me, riding a giraffe, and then the giraffe is straddling the world. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I don't think you'd fit on a giraffe, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's why I'm working in the fanciful medium of the tattoo! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] These ideas aren't actually that bad! I think tattoos should be ridiculous. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I also thought passive-aggressive tattoos would be fun. Like instead of a heart that says, "Mom", a heart that says "Hey MOM thanks for buying me a private island!" And then when my mom sees it and says "I never bought you that", I can say "Not yet!" and smile! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Moms like that, right? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AT THE TATTOO PARLOUR: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What I want is a to-do list on my hand, only it says "Be awesome" and that's crossed out, and then "Get tattoo" and that's crossed out, and then "Sex up the person reading this". [SPEAKER] TATTOO ARTIST [LINE] And you PROMISE you won't regret this? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sir! I promise nothing!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] An unreliable narrator is when Shakespeare tells you that his play Hamlet is pretty good, but then at the end Hamlet wakes up and he's on a friggin' bus. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LITERARY TECHNIQUES COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's technique: "UNRELIABLE NARRATOR" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's like - oh, it was all a dream and the whole time Hamlet was ACTUALLY snoozing on a bus next to an empty seat the whole time! What the heck, Hamlet? Laertes was the bus driver? This is SO MUCH WORSE than when you were stabbin' dudes and havin' broods. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Um, Hamlet doesn't actually end like that, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty certain it does, Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Seriously, what are you talking about? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The stupid "it was all a dream" ending in Hamlet! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He wakes up and looks around and he catches teh eye of a passenger who looks like Shakespeare? And the Shakespeare guy smiles and winks, The End? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Don't tell me I'm the only one who made it to the end of Hamlet. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare, Hamlet ACTUALLY ends on a bus, right? [SPEAKER] SHAKESPEARE [LINE] i'm so far from even knowing what a bus IS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We were playing a game! You were SUPPOSED to say my name at |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] An unreliable narrator is when Shakespeare tells you that his play Hamlet is pretty good, but then at the end Hamlet wakes up and he's on a friggin' bus. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LITERARY TECHNIQUES COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's technique: "UNRELIABLE NARRATOR" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's like - oh, it was all a dream and the whole time Hamlet was ACTUALLY snoozing on a bus next to an empty seat the whole time! What the heck, Hamlet? Laertes was the bus driver? This is SO MUCH WORSE than when you were stabbin' dudes and havin' broods. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Um, Hamlet doesn't actually end like that, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty certain it does, Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Seriously, what are you talking about? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The stupid "it was all a dream" ending in Hamlet! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He wakes up and looks around and he catches teh eye of a passenger who looks like Shakespeare? And the Shakespeare guy smiles and winks, The End? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Don't tell me I'm the only one who made it to the end of Hamlet. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare, Hamlet ACTUALLY ends on a bus, right? [SPEAKER] SHAKESPEARE [LINE] i'm so far from even knowing what a bus IS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's a little thing called a "METAPHOR", Will. Man! Study literary techniques much?? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX HAS LEARNED ENGLISH ENTIRELY FROM KOREAN-ENGLISH PHRASEBOOKS: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'd like to take the bus, please. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What are your first impressions of the area? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex, I'm really sorry, but I can't do this anymore. I can't be with someone I can't communicate with. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Please hand me the customs declaration form. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] See? I don't even know who you are! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have only personal items. I have nothing to declare. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, I'm sorry too, man, but I'm out. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is carry-on baggage. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] We've tried to make allowances for you, but it's just so impossible to be your friend. I don't even know what you're thinking right now! Everything you say is like this impossible linguistic Rorschach test. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] May I cash this traveler's check? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Does that mean you understand me? How am I to know? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I buy my clothes off the rack. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw damn! My freezer is broken! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX HAS LEARNED ENGLISH ENTIRELY FROM KOREAN-ENGLISH PHRASEBOOKS: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'd like to take the bus, please. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What are your first impressions of the area? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex, I'm really sorry, but I can't do this anymore. I can't be with someone I can't communicate with. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Please hand me the customs declaration form. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] See? I don't even know who you are! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have only personal items. I have nothing to declare. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, I'm sorry too, man, but I'm out. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is carry-on baggage. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] We've tried to make allowances for you, but it's just so impossible to be your friend. I don't even know what you're thinking right now! Everything you say is like this impossible linguistic Rorschach test. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] May I cash this traveler's check? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Does that mean you understand me? How am I to know? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I buy my clothes off the rack. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I buy my clothes off the |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is Act Like A T-Rex Day! Everybody! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Act like me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, act like me today, okay? It'll be great. Examine what I'm doing and then try internalizing it, okay? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex, I do not celebrate this holiday! I'm actually celebrating Act Like A Dromiceiomimus Day, which happens to fall on the same day. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHAT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Act Like A Dromiceiomimus Day? I have not heard of this holiday! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's the best! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I celebrate it too. In fact, I'm pretty sure everyone celebrates it! There's a big "Act Like A Dromiceiomimus" party at city hall tonight. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But - but... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They've closed off Main Street so that people can act like Dromiceiomimuses there! It's gonna be awesome! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] TOWNSPERSON 1 [LINE] I'm a Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] TOWNSPERSON 2 [LINE] Me too! [SPEAKER] TOWNSPERSON 3 [LINE] Hey man! Me three!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] (whispering) i'm a dromiceiomimus pretending to be a t-rex [SPEAKER] TOWNSPERSON 3 [LINE] Pardon me? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I SAID [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ahem. Plagiarizing is the act of plagiarizing; taking |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is Act Like A T-Rex Day! Everybody! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Act like me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, act like me today, okay? It'll be great. Examine what I'm doing and then try internalizing it, okay? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex, I do not celebrate this holiday! I'm actually celebrating Act Like A Dromiceiomimus Day, which happens to fall on the same day. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHAT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Act Like A Dromiceiomimus Day? I have not heard of this holiday! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's the best! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I celebrate it too. In fact, I'm pretty sure everyone celebrates it! There's a big "Act Like A Dromiceiomimus" party at city hall tonight. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But - but... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They've closed off Main Street so that people can act like Dromiceiomimuses there! It's gonna be awesome! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] TOWNSPERSON 1 [LINE] I'm a Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] TOWNSPERSON 2 [LINE] Me too! [SPEAKER] TOWNSPERSON 3 [LINE] Hey man! Me three!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] (whispering) i'm a dromiceiomimus pretending to be a t-rex [SPEAKER] TOWNSPERSON 3 [LINE] Pardon me? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I SAID [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] i'm a dromiceiomimus PRETENDING to be a t-rex |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] TITLE [LINE] HELPFUL TIPS FOR ESSAY WRITING [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Students! Are you having trouble writing essays? Maybe they're a little short? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe just a little? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well then, here are some friggin' tips!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so everyone knows about making margins wide and using a big font, but teachers know that one too. They see it and they think "Come on, you can do better," and then they uncap their red pens and write "You could use some friggin' tips!" all over your cover page. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Has that ever happened to you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! But that's because *I* happen to use a little friggin' thing called "tips"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So let's hear these tips then! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Prepare yourself to be friggin' fipped, my friend! [SPEAKER] BEN CHUCKLES [LINE] CUT! [SPEAKER] BEN CHUCKLES [LINE] I'm sorry, but we don't think you're right for the role. We're really looking for an actor who doesn't add "friggin'" to each of his lines. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well then! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I think comedy changes more than most. We |
real | [SPEAKER] TITLE [LINE] HELPFUL TIPS FOR ESSAY WRITING [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Students! Are you having trouble writing essays? Maybe they're a little short? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe just a little? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well then, here are some friggin' tips!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so everyone knows about making margins wide and using a big font, but teachers know that one too. They see it and they think "Come on, you can do better," and then they uncap their red pens and write "You could use some friggin' tips!" all over your cover page. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Has that ever happened to you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! But that's because *I* happen to use a little friggin' thing called "tips"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So let's hear these tips then! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Prepare yourself to be friggin' fipped, my friend! [SPEAKER] BEN CHUCKLES [LINE] CUT! [SPEAKER] BEN CHUCKLES [LINE] I'm sorry, but we don't think you're right for the role. We're really looking for an actor who doesn't add "friggin'" to each of his lines. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well then! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It looks like YOU'VE got the wrong friggin' guy!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, I don't need that acting job anyway! I can get by on my good looks and charm ANYWAY, and "essay writing tips" are easy. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Easy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For example, here's a tip! Maybe you could try understanding the topic at hand and expressing your views on it in a clear yet persuasive manner? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] When I was in high school, I'd increase the font size on all my periods from 12 points to 14 points, thereby extending my paper in a way that was very difficult to detect! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromieciomimus! I am shocked!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, I just added "very" in front of my adjectives! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? For reals? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Of course! It was a great way to extend the length of my essay, AND it made my points more emphatic. "Trees are tall and pretty" became "Trees are very tall and very very pretty. Verily!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What, you were The Mighty Thor? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Only in essays, my friend! Only in essays. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello, radio call in show? Did you know Utahraptor abused the word "very" in all his essays? [SPEAKER] RADIO HOST [LINE] I've told you: this isn't an advice show! It's a show about RVs. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'd do anyone who has their own website! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, I don't need that acting job anyway! I can get by on my good looks and charm ANYWAY, and "essay writing tips" are easy. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Easy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For example, here's a tip! Maybe you could try understanding the topic at hand and expressing your views on it in a clear yet persuasive manner? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] When I was in high school, I'd increase the font size on all my periods from 12 points to 14 points, thereby extending my paper in a way that was very difficult to detect! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromieciomimus! I am shocked!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, I just added "very" in front of my adjectives! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? For reals? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Of course! It was a great way to extend the length of my essay, AND it made my points more emphatic. "Trees are tall and pretty" became "Trees are very tall and very very pretty. Verily!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What, you were The Mighty Thor? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Only in essays, my friend! Only in essays. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello, radio call in show? Did you know Utahraptor abused the word "very" in all his essays? [SPEAKER] RADIO HOST [LINE] I've told you: this isn't an advice show! It's a show about RVs. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay but did you not hear the rest |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I like it when commercials license pop songs and then make up their own product centric lyrics. It's a window into an alternate corporate-controlled universe! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] An alternate corporate controlled universe where all songwriters have brain damage? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The lyrics are always so terrible and the songs entirely arbitrary. It's like - it's like they license "Candle in the Wind" and then have some Elton John sound-alike singing "Goodbye, Norma Jeane / Did you ever / Use Duracell / They make some fine batteries / On this we all should dwell" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hah! You know, I'd watch that commercial. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's so representative! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Now do "Somewhere Over The Rainbow"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure! Um... how about - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Someone's Sara-Lee branded / cherry pie / makes me glad that I've heard that / they're now in high supply" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hilarious! It makes me want to buy a Sara-Lee branded cherry pie. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's not that hard! You just imagine being good, and then don't do that. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING (SET TO THE TUNE OF "WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD"): [SPEAKER] RADIO (QUIETLY) [LINE] I see leaves of green / red onions too / I see them here, for me and you / And I think to myself: / "What A Wonderful Pre-Packaged Asian-Style Salad from Loblaw's Grocery." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What would be the best thing for |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I like it when commercials license pop songs and then make up their own product centric lyrics. It's a window into an alternate corporate-controlled universe! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] An alternate corporate controlled universe where all songwriters have brain damage? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The lyrics are always so terrible and the songs entirely arbitrary. It's like - it's like they license "Candle in the Wind" and then have some Elton John sound-alike singing "Goodbye, Norma Jeane / Did you ever / Use Duracell / They make some fine batteries / On this we all should dwell" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hah! You know, I'd watch that commercial. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's so representative! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Now do "Somewhere Over The Rainbow"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure! Um... how about - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Someone's Sara-Lee branded / cherry pie / makes me glad that I've heard that / they're now in high supply" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hilarious! It makes me want to buy a Sara-Lee branded cherry pie. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's not that hard! You just imagine being good, and then don't do that. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING (SET TO THE TUNE OF "WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD"): [SPEAKER] RADIO (QUIETLY) [LINE] I see leaves of green / red onions too / I see them here, for me and you / And I think to myself: / "What A Wonderful Pre-Packaged Asian-Style Salad from Loblaw's Grocery." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, *I* did WAY better than that!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, who hasn't written a story about a Man With A Problem for a while? Is it me? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm pretty sure the answer is "YES!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So my new story will be about a man whose problem is he weeps all the time. He's not sad, his eyes just produce water like it's going out of style. And he tells everyone that it's just a biological thing and he's very happy to see them, but they all suspect he's sad. They say "Are you alright?" and he says "YES dammit I just got leaky eyes." Then he locks his weeping eyes with them and says "What's for dinner?" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It sounds like he's a pretty unsettling character! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No man, he's nice! He just weeps all the time. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to use it to explore PREJUDICE. What's it like to be a man of tears in a world where most men don't even like to cry at weddings? He faces a lot of preconceptions. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How does he deal with it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes, in his most private moments - the tears are real. [SPEAKER] STORY QUOTE [LINE] The airline had a strict "no crybabies" policy, and wouldn't let him board, no matter how he protested. Prejudice. He pointed at his eyes. "See these? These are tears of PITY." But as he stormed out of the terminal, he knew that they were really tears of frustration, mixed with the standard tears he always produced. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You heard right, my friend! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, who hasn't written a story about a Man With A Problem for a while? Is it me? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm pretty sure the answer is "YES!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So my new story will be about a man whose problem is he weeps all the time. He's not sad, his eyes just produce water like it's going out of style. And he tells everyone that it's just a biological thing and he's very happy to see them, but they all suspect he's sad. They say "Are you alright?" and he says "YES dammit I just got leaky eyes." Then he locks his weeping eyes with them and says "What's for dinner?" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It sounds like he's a pretty unsettling character! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No man, he's nice! He just weeps all the time. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to use it to explore PREJUDICE. What's it like to be a man of tears in a world where most men don't even like to cry at weddings? He faces a lot of preconceptions. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How does he deal with it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes, in his most private moments - the tears are real. [SPEAKER] STORY QUOTE [LINE] The airline had a strict "no crybabies" policy, and wouldn't let him board, no matter how he protested. Prejudice. He pointed at his eyes. "See these? These are tears of PITY." But as he stormed out of the terminal, he knew that they were really tears of frustration, mixed with the standard tears he always produced. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't know, self! I |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It turns out there actually is a disease where you cry all of the time! Dacryorrhea! I made it up, but it already exists. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is not the first time this has happened! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's TONS of horrible diseases that sound like they're just made up by somebody, but actually do exist. Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva, in which connective tissue becomes bone, freezing a person in place! The Capgras delusion, in which loved ones appear to be replaced by identical imposters! And these are just the two I know about. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And THEN, there's the diseases that are familiar because they're so common, but still messed up! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Such as? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, Alzheimer's? I mean, I know this disease has always been an issue for me, but it's so terrible. And honestly, it sounds like something out of bad fiction. It's ridiculous on the same level as "always cries". It shouldn't happen. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't know what to tell you, man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God, how come we live in a world where these awful diseases exist? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX HOW COME YOU WALK AROUND THE DOWNTOWN CORE NAKED [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's only one way to find out! It seems that, |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It turns out there actually is a disease where you cry all of the time! Dacryorrhea! I made it up, but it already exists. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is not the first time this has happened! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's TONS of horrible diseases that sound like they're just made up by somebody, but actually do exist. Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva, in which connective tissue becomes bone, freezing a person in place! The Capgras delusion, in which loved ones appear to be replaced by identical imposters! And these are just the two I know about. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And THEN, there's the diseases that are familiar because they're so common, but still messed up! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Such as? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, Alzheimer's? I mean, I know this disease has always been an issue for me, but it's so terrible. And honestly, it sounds like something out of bad fiction. It's ridiculous on the same level as "always cries". It shouldn't happen. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't know what to tell you, man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God, how come we live in a world where these awful diseases exist? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX HOW COME YOU WALK AROUND THE DOWNTOWN CORE NAKED [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! These two questions better not have the same answer!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I die, nobody say "he's at peace now", okay? I'm so serious right now. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Say something better, like "I can't believe he ate the whole thing!" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What's wrong with "He's at peace"? It's nice. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's demeaning! It suggests that the whole point of life is to be at peace, like it's this goal that we should all achieve, and I'M kind of a screw up but at least I achieved it by dying! It's like telling the kids who came in last in a three-legged race that the REAL goal was just to finish. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think it's supposed to be taken in a "his suffering is over" sort of way. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh. Well. That makes more sense. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Did you at least like my comparison of life to a three-legged race? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It was a little confusing! You need a partner for a three legged race, but you can easily go through life profoundly alone. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wow. That's - that's true. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *sigh* [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] MR. TUSKS [LINE] Hullo T-Rex! Can I ask you a question? It won't take a minute. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's extra nice, since today I have a full stomach! Life is good! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I die, nobody say "he's at peace now", okay? I'm so serious right now. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Say something better, like "I can't believe he ate the whole thing!" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What's wrong with "He's at peace"? It's nice. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's demeaning! It suggests that the whole point of life is to be at peace, like it's this goal that we should all achieve, and I'M kind of a screw up but at least I achieved it by dying! It's like telling the kids who came in last in a three-legged race that the REAL goal was just to finish. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think it's supposed to be taken in a "his suffering is over" sort of way. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh. Well. That makes more sense. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Did you at least like my comparison of life to a three-legged race? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It was a little confusing! You need a partner for a three legged race, but you can easily go through life profoundly alone. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wow. That's - that's true. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *sigh* [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] MR. TUSKS [LINE] Hullo T-Rex! Can I ask you a question? It won't take a minute. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, Mr. Tusks! Your delightful minute (as in time) and minute (as in |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've come up with a great way to make any otherwise-flattering compliment totally creepy. It's so easy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You just have to follow it up with "I like that in a woman"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] An example! Dromiceiomimus, you've got a very pretty body! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Um, thanks, I guess! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now compare and contrast: Dromiceiomimus, you've got a very pretty body! I like that in a woman. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh God. Let's never talk again. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, I bet it works on men too! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's one way to find out, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, you're a friendly guy. I like that in a woman. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait, hold on; I think I know how to fix this. Utahraptor, you're pretty gay! I like that in a man. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait. Huh? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Your honour, you seem very competent! I like that in a woman. [SPEAKER] JUDGE [LINE] Are you trying to go to jail? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'M NOT! This is an unreliable narrator! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've come up with a great way to make any otherwise-flattering compliment totally creepy. It's so easy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You just have to follow it up with "I like that in a woman"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] An example! Dromiceiomimus, you've got a very pretty body! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Um, thanks, I guess! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now compare and contrast: Dromiceiomimus, you've got a very pretty body! I like that in a woman. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh God. Let's never talk again. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, I bet it works on men too! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's one way to find out, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, you're a friendly guy. I like that in a woman. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait, hold on; I think I know how to fix this. Utahraptor, you're pretty gay! I like that in a man. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait. Huh? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Your honour, you seem very competent! I like that in a woman. [SPEAKER] JUDGE [LINE] Are you trying to go to jail? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Are you trying to be... um, everything |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "HORSES VS. TRAINS" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, the age-old debate! Horses are okay. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you don't have any trains around, that is!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Horses eat grass. Trains are huge multi-ton machines that GET THINGS DONE. And then when you think trains are as great as it gets, you discover maglev trains! These are literal HOVERTRAINS that wrote in their diaries, "Screw it, diary! I'm just gonna go as fast as I can from now on!!" and then they go 581 km/h like it's no big deal. NICE. Horses eat grass, and SOMETIMES, hop over buckets. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I guess the old stereotype of boys liking trains is true! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Come on, that's dumb! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I like trains because they're big complicated machines that NOT ONLY get folks places quickly, but also, threaten maidens tied to the tracks by mustachio-twirling villains. If horses could do that I would like horses too. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm pretty sure horses CAN do that. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WELL THEN. I GUESS I'M A FAN OF HORSES. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] EXCUSE ME LIBRARIAN DO YOU HAVE ANY BOOKS ON HORSES [SPEAKER] LIBRARIAN [LINE] Yes sir! We have books on many topics, here at your local library! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's nothing! You wanna see what driving |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "HORSES VS. TRAINS" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, the age-old debate! Horses are okay. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you don't have any trains around, that is!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Horses eat grass. Trains are huge multi-ton machines that GET THINGS DONE. And then when you think trains are as great as it gets, you discover maglev trains! These are literal HOVERTRAINS that wrote in their diaries, "Screw it, diary! I'm just gonna go as fast as I can from now on!!" and then they go 581 km/h like it's no big deal. NICE. Horses eat grass, and SOMETIMES, hop over buckets. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I guess the old stereotype of boys liking trains is true! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Come on, that's dumb! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I like trains because they're big complicated machines that NOT ONLY get folks places quickly, but also, threaten maidens tied to the tracks by mustachio-twirling villains. If horses could do that I would like horses too. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm pretty sure horses CAN do that. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WELL THEN. I GUESS I'M A FAN OF HORSES. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] EXCUSE ME LIBRARIAN DO YOU HAVE ANY BOOKS ON HORSES [SPEAKER] LIBRARIAN [LINE] Yes sir! We have books on many topics, here at your local library! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THANK YOU PRETTY SURE ONE WILL SUFFICE |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's pretend the Earth is going to explode at midnight tonight! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aw crap! The world is going to explode at midnight tonight! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know, right? Who are you going to hang out with? If you try to reach a single person who's far away, it means you can't visit people closer to you that maybe, cumulatively, you like more! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Ah, it's no biggie! I'll just divide how much I like someone by their distance from me. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Personally, I'm just flattered you're hanging out with us! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, I guess I am! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, Utahraptor, the planet is exploding at the end of the day. Anything you wish you'd done before you die? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I mean, YEAH, but nothing I can see through to completion in a few hours. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Personally, I'M going to eat a lot of junk food, since who cares about heart disease now? NOT ME! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FIFTY YEARS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now admit that you |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's pretend the Earth is going to explode at midnight tonight! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aw crap! The world is going to explode at midnight tonight! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know, right? Who are you going to hang out with? If you try to reach a single person who's far away, it means you can't visit people closer to you that maybe, cumulatively, you like more! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Ah, it's no biggie! I'll just divide how much I like someone by their distance from me. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Personally, I'm just flattered you're hanging out with us! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, I guess I am! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, Utahraptor, the planet is exploding at the end of the day. Anything you wish you'd done before you die? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I mean, YEAH, but nothing I can see through to completion in a few hours. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Personally, I'M going to eat a lot of junk food, since who cares about heart disease now? NOT ME! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FIFTY YEARS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] man, SCREW heart disease |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for sharing secrets! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SECRET SHARING COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey Dromiceiomimus, want to know a secret? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Sure! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Alright, but you have to promise not to tell anyone! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Ok! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ok, my secret is that I stole the Utahraptor's couch last night! Don't tell him, alright? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, have you seen my couch? It's gone missing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yes, and there were T-Rex prints all over my shag carpet. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, ah, heh- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You see, the thing is... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] um [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have no plans for tonight. Will this |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for sharing secrets! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SECRET SHARING COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey Dromiceiomimus, want to know a secret? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Sure! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Alright, but you have to promise not to tell anyone! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Ok! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ok, my secret is that I stole the Utahraptor's couch last night! Don't tell him, alright? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, have you seen my couch? It's gone missing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yes, and there were T-Rex prints all over my shag carpet. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, ah, heh- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You see, the thing is... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] um [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Can I let you in on a secret? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't want to be a police officer, and the reason is simple! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I would end up hating everyone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not only would I meet rapists and murderers KINDA OFTEN, I GUESS, but I'd also regularly see domestic violence, petty crime, people being mean to each other, chicks and dudes who punch each other in the head with knives this time, and so on. Not cool! After seeing that day in and day out, I would start to suspect that everyone sucks and has a case of the ILLEGAL CRAZIES. I'd lose my optimism and faith in the world! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, this is basically the spotlight fallacy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You think so? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! By being a cop, you'd automatically see people who require the services of cops way more often than those who don't. You're blasting your data set the same way that folks who see well publicized reports about "Pedophiles! On the INTERNET!!" do when they conclude that everyone online is big into kids. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, to be fair, Benny's a pedophile, and he's on the internet. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, BENNY?? [SPEAKER] BENNY [LINE] I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE!! I am a LEDOPHILE, that is to say, an enthusiast of the tiny Indian village of Ledo! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's true. Okay, so clearly there's a function where money |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't want to be a police officer, and the reason is simple! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I would end up hating everyone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not only would I meet rapists and murderers KINDA OFTEN, I GUESS, but I'd also regularly see domestic violence, petty crime, people being mean to each other, chicks and dudes who punch each other in the head with knives this time, and so on. Not cool! After seeing that day in and day out, I would start to suspect that everyone sucks and has a case of the ILLEGAL CRAZIES. I'd lose my optimism and faith in the world! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, this is basically the spotlight fallacy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You think so? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! By being a cop, you'd automatically see people who require the services of cops way more often than those who don't. You're blasting your data set the same way that folks who see well publicized reports about "Pedophiles! On the INTERNET!!" do when they conclude that everyone online is big into kids. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, to be fair, Benny's a pedophile, and he's on the internet. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, BENNY?? [SPEAKER] BENNY [LINE] I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE!! I am a LEDOPHILE, that is to say, an enthusiast of the tiny Indian village of Ledo! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Benny, look, you gotta find a better name for that. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've been writing a romance novel! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Or more precisely, I've been sucking SURPRISINGLY HARD at writing a romance novel! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's terrible, Dromiceiomimus! All my life I was certain that explosions could spice up ANY narrative, but I've been blowing my main characters up ALL THE TIME and they're still not that interesting! Check this out: "Antonio Tony and Samantha were explosive-expert friends who decided one day to try kissing each other. It wasn't that bad! Later on, one of them decided that it was actually pretty bad." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THE END? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think your problem is you're focusing on plot! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How do you figure? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Romance is about two CHARACTERS meeting and falling in love, but all you've got is narrative. We don't really know anything about your protagonists, so we don't care what happens to them. Flesh them out! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh kay! [SPEAKER] T-REX'S STORY [LINE] Samantha was a cowgirl, always on the lookout for a SPUR-of-the-moment marriage. Antonio Tony was a horse enthusiast. "I hope to be SADDLED with a wife soon!" he thought to himself. They waved wildly at each other across the open plains. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's pay her a visit and |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've been writing a romance novel! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Or more precisely, I've been sucking SURPRISINGLY HARD at writing a romance novel! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's terrible, Dromiceiomimus! All my life I was certain that explosions could spice up ANY narrative, but I've been blowing my main characters up ALL THE TIME and they're still not that interesting! Check this out: "Antonio Tony and Samantha were explosive-expert friends who decided one day to try kissing each other. It wasn't that bad! Later on, one of them decided that it was actually pretty bad." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THE END? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think your problem is you're focusing on plot! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How do you figure? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Romance is about two CHARACTERS meeting and falling in love, but all you've got is narrative. We don't really know anything about your protagonists, so we don't care what happens to them. Flesh them out! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh kay! [SPEAKER] T-REX'S STORY [LINE] Samantha was a cowgirl, always on the lookout for a SPUR-of-the-moment marriage. Antonio Tony was a horse enthusiast. "I hope to be SADDLED with a wife soon!" he thought to himself. They waved wildly at each other across the open plains. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, come quick! My story's amazing!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder if there is an essential "feminine", one that transcends histories and cultures? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Similarly, could I myself be the essential "masculine"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why, I believe I could! What am I besides the real, true essence of "male-ness", the invariable and fixed properties which define masculine for now and forever? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I sure am great! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Truly, I am the epitome of the male form! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I disagree! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I think it's pretty clear, T-Rex, that I am the epitome of the male form. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And you'd better call a plumber, because pipes are going to burst! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Pipes" means "muscles", right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's slang, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't understand it! I |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder if there is an essential "feminine", one that transcends histories and cultures? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Similarly, could I myself be the essential "masculine"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why, I believe I could! What am I besides the real, true essence of "male-ness", the invariable and fixed properties which define masculine for now and forever? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I sure am great! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Truly, I am the epitome of the male form! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I disagree! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I think it's pretty clear, T-Rex, that I am the epitome of the male form. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And you'd better call a plumber, because pipes are going to burst! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Pipes" means "muscles", right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's slang, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Slang of today's youth culture? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for helping folks grappling with grief from the loss of a loved one! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's right! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Leave it to me to totally solve your emotional problems! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There are many kinds of grief, so I've focused on a particular flavour. When, say, a big meteor hits a dude square on the head and kills him, that's sad. HOWEVER, at the same time, it's also extremely amazing and awesome. It can be hard to reconcile these two, conflicting, emotions. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So what's your solution? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I propose a new word! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Have you noticed how that's your solution to every problem? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And have you noticed how it ALWAYS WORKS? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today I propose a word meaning "extremely sad, but also extremely amazing". It can be hard to pull off that emotion; you don't want people thinking you're TOO into how amazing it was. But if you say, "I'm very [my new word] right now", everyone understands! Grief has become easier to navigate! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I call my new word "sawesome"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sawesome. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like sad and awesome? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...and so the REASON I 'look a little down' is that suddenly everybody's talking about me and acting so concerned for |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for helping folks grappling with grief from the loss of a loved one! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's right! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Leave it to me to totally solve your emotional problems! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There are many kinds of grief, so I've focused on a particular flavour. When, say, a big meteor hits a dude square on the head and kills him, that's sad. HOWEVER, at the same time, it's also extremely amazing and awesome. It can be hard to reconcile these two, conflicting, emotions. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So what's your solution? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I propose a new word! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Have you noticed how that's your solution to every problem? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And have you noticed how it ALWAYS WORKS? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today I propose a word meaning "extremely sad, but also extremely amazing". It can be hard to pull off that emotion; you don't want people thinking you're TOO into how amazing it was. But if you say, "I'm very [my new word] right now", everyone understands! Grief has become easier to navigate! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I call my new word "sawesome"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sawesome. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like sad and awesome? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Someone dropped an arrow out of a plane and it nailed my friend in the eye and it was extremely sawesome? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I was younger, I went to the dentist a lot. MAYBE I DIDN'T BRUSH MY TEETH THAT WELL, OKAY? OR THAT OFTEN, OR AT ALL. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh well? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I remember sitting there when I was sixteen or so, with some stranger's fingers in my mouth as he scraped away at my teeth and thinking "MAN, this is a sucky time! I wish I had something to distract me. I bet if I'd had sex, then I could think about sex, and that would be distracting. Hey! I should have sex! It'll make visits to the dentist easier." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So then what happened? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Later, I had sex! Later still, I went back to the dentist. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But it didn't work. The situation was so unerotic, and I was terrified of becoming visibly aroused! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Did you tell the woman you had sex with that the REAL reason for it was so that you could be entertained at the dentist's? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! I mean, it wasn't the reason! That was just an added bonus! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw man, things were going so |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I was younger, I went to the dentist a lot. MAYBE I DIDN'T BRUSH MY TEETH THAT WELL, OKAY? OR THAT OFTEN, OR AT ALL. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh well? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I remember sitting there when I was sixteen or so, with some stranger's fingers in my mouth as he scraped away at my teeth and thinking "MAN, this is a sucky time! I wish I had something to distract me. I bet if I'd had sex, then I could think about sex, and that would be distracting. Hey! I should have sex! It'll make visits to the dentist easier." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So then what happened? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Later, I had sex! Later still, I went back to the dentist. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But it didn't work. The situation was so unerotic, and I was terrified of becoming visibly aroused! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Did you tell the woman you had sex with that the REAL reason for it was so that you could be entertained at the dentist's? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! I mean, it wasn't the reason! That was just an added bonus! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It made it even MORE special |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's that, Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're asking, "How much of someone's personality is determined by their body?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, Dromiceiomimus, that IS an interesting question! A few years ago I would have said "none", but now I'm not so sure! In a way, our bodies do affect who we are: if you've got a strong body, you can be a different person than someone in a weaker body. Trivially, a weak-bodied person wouldn't make a good bully! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I asked none of these questions [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And Utahraptor, you're suggesting that not all strong people are bullies? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I - okay?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, Utahraptor, I'll agree with you, and clarify that it's a necessary but not a sufficient condition. Bodies affect the life experiences possible, and therefore personality! And while you're questioning my premise of "nature over nurture" I'll clarify that I'm simply saying that someone in a weak body can't be a very effective bully! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I could only come up |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's that, Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're asking, "How much of someone's personality is determined by their body?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, Dromiceiomimus, that IS an interesting question! A few years ago I would have said "none", but now I'm not so sure! In a way, our bodies do affect who we are: if you've got a strong body, you can be a different person than someone in a weaker body. Trivially, a weak-bodied person wouldn't make a good bully! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I asked none of these questions [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And Utahraptor, you're suggesting that not all strong people are bullies? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I - okay?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, Utahraptor, I'll agree with you, and clarify that it's a necessary but not a sufficient condition. Bodies affect the life experiences possible, and therefore personality! And while you're questioning my premise of "nature over nurture" I'll clarify that I'm simply saying that someone in a weak body can't be a very effective bully! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, NOBODY calls me anymore |