text
stringlengths 44
5.16k
| emotion_name
class label 23
classes | input_ids
sequence | token_type_ids
sequence | attention_mask
sequence | word_ids
sequence |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
I want attention from the people I love but I don't deserve it/don't want to upset them so I keep it in. That just makes the need for attention and to show emotion worse. | 11Guilty
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dentist related things (gums, teeth, cavities, bleeding, the works)
i have another cavity r i p
my gums bled alot i swallowed blood like three times
i apparently need to floss more (which i agree with i haven't flossed in 12 years kms)
i'm just gonna start brushing my teeth and flossing right after dinner tbh cuz if i don't i'll forget | 11Guilty
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I will fuck us both up.
You're perfect to me.
I don't want to hurt you.
I don't want to fuck you up.
I don't want to do this to us, but I can't stop it.
I've ruined everything and you don't see it yet, but you will soon. | 11Guilty
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I broke up with my bf 3 days ago and he texted me asking if I wanted to go to the movies with him as......."friends"......literally confused af. | 6Curious
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Fmab bloopers:
“Tell me scar, what’s your real name?”
“My real name.... fuck you.”
^^^^
When people find out ur trans and think that they get to ask a question like that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ | 1Amused
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My grandma was looking forward to go out to eat with me today. But I'm just not feeling up to it today and she was so disappointed :(((( | 11Guilty
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My eyesight is sooooo fuckin bad lmao it seems like I have to take conscious energy to focus my eyes on everything I look at and I can't even get them checked til January but by a couple months after that it'll just be worse and I'll have to wait another year ://// | 3Annoyed
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So this girl none of us like but some take pity on is in our group chat and she added this boy none of us like and he kicked me out of the group because I friendzoned him and now she's trying to start arguments for no reasons | 3Annoyed
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There's a really cute teacher at my school and we had some major eye contact going on today. Wish I was in one of his classes tbh | 11Guilty
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They were lying the whole time
They weren't happy
They didn't feel anything when I was there
How can I be in love with a walking corpse
I saw light in their eyes I saw hope I saw a future how did they not feel anything with me how did they they didn't feel anything how how how how why are they with me if they can't feel anything why whywbywhywhy why are they breaking my heart why did I expect anything different there's always a problem with people I love
There's always a problem
Why can't I just be happy
Why
I want to fuck myself up I want to get high I want to get drunk I want to cut I want to die
"Don't take it personally" how the fuck am I not supposed to take it personally when you tell me you felt NOTHING WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER
YOU FELT NOTHING
YOU DIDN'T FEEL LOVE YOU DON'T LOVE ME FUCK YOU
YOU MADE ME TRUST YOU WHY WOULD YOU LIE TO ME
I feel so sick I'm so sick I cant
I'm so tired of this
I can't escape anything | 13Heartbroken
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After 8 months, I still cannot fathom that my mother passed on. And being the first born doesn't make it easier for me. I have to be strong for my siblings. | 13Heartbroken
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He visited for a few minutes, and to be honest, I couldn't look at him the same after those very... imaginative thoughts I had last night about us. I bet if he knew about the scenario in my head, he'd be so upset. | 11Guilty
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+kind of hurt
My gf needed me back for work, so I went back to my job and like two of my coworkers basically made me feel like I had just abandoned or skipped out of helping my gf, when that was not what I intended at all. I actually stayed later than I was scheduled, and thought that it was ok for me to go, because one or the workers there(from what I could hear him say) basically told me to leave because there wasn't a reason for there to be three people. And then they just sent me home right away anyway because one of the waitresses was going to help, and they didn't need more than three people. So idk. I might just be overreacting, but I just feel bad about the whole situation. I'm home now and I might add drinking on my list of things to do tonight lol | 11Guilty
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Using fake names
I have a friend called Lisa and she called out someone called Emily (who I had been hanging around with the past week) because she used gay as an insult. Then the next day in Emily's tutor (registration class) she did it again and then someone I really hate, Abbie, put on a fake voice and pretended to be Lisa.
I'm quite, not protective but I will tend up for my friends all of the time and this is one of those times. If Emily or Abbie say anymore shit then I'm going to say something because I'm done with their shit. I hate them both right now.
I know Abbie will start making up shit about me if I say something but idfc. No one believes anything she said because rumours went around about her a few weeks ago (not by me!!). Emily will make up something or say something to someone but again, idgaf. Nothing they could say will piss me of more than this. | 3Annoyed
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Honestly tho like I just used audio software for the first time and I think that's pretty cool since it's something I always wanted to try but never got around to it. Hopefully this comes out just like I wanted! | 12Happy
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I know I shouldn't, but the reason that it's so hard for me to decide is because I keep comparing myself to how they'll look. I know they'll all look amazing and I can never ever live up to that. I don't want to be judged, I don't want to be under or over dressed, and I don't want to be ugly. Unfortunately, the last one is unavoidable and that makes me so sad. I just can't because I know how good they'll all look and that they'll all have dates and I just can't compare. | 11Guilty
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my friend is in training for the air force and he finished training in one state... so they moved him to another state and poor thing spent Thanksgiving alone at Mcdonalds. :( I messaged him so fast telling him how thankful I am for him and how he wasnt alone. I mean i spent thanksgiving at work. | 22Thoughtful
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Aw aw aw | 12Happy
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Do u ever think just think about the first time u met someone & then compare it to where u guys are now & its like wow who knew this would happen. | 1Amused
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Annoyed rant/// very long
Could you not make the conversation about yourself for once? PLEASE? That’s literally all I want.
And if you could not snap at me that’d be amazing. If you don’t like something I say, just tell me politely and I’ll stop. Telling me to “shut up” will only make me mad at you and make the situation so much worse.
You take your anger out on me, and yet you say that I deserve someone who treats me well. What kind of a fucking backwards world do you live in? You literally say one thing but then do something else.
And then you had the audacity to get upset that I have a male roommate, and were like “I don’t like it... but it’s not like I can do anything to change it anyways...”
First of all, I’m not changing my roommate because it makes you slightly uncomfortable.
Second of all, my roommate is dope as hell, and I was the only one who actually accepted his offer because he’s transgender. And of course I had to deliberately leave that part out when talking about him, because then you would have used an offensive slur against him and I would have honestly flipped the hell out on you.
Third of all, have you ever heard of this amazing thing called trust? Look it up.
You don’t trust my words, you never fucking listen to my input, and you push everything I say to the side and don’t believe me. And it fucking bothers the absolute hell out of me. I’m big on trust. And the fact that you don’t trust what I say and persistently tell me I’m lying, even when I say I’m telling the truth, really bothers me.
And forget it now that I drive. You keep pestering me to visit you at work. You work far away and on a main intersection. I’ve driven once in my car alone since it got registered. Fucking let me get used to it before letting me have another panic attack because I don’t know where I’m going or what lane I’m supposed to be in PLEASE.
And god forbid I tell you something that happened that bothered me. All you’re gonna do is laugh at it. I told you something that happened and that it stressed me out, and you just laughed at it. What the fuck was that all about? And then you said it must’ve been fun and I said it really wasn’t, and then you turned the conversation around again and made it about yourself, trying to get me to feel bad for you. Like boy, uh, WHAT? | 3Annoyed
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one of my friends has gone through a breakup, car accident and her uncle just died- and this has all happened in just under 2 weeks. i want to comfort her but at this point i'm just at a loss for words.. i'm bad at expressing emotions as it is, but it just feels like nothing i say at this point will help | 11Guilty
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The usb didnt go in correctly. Nice game buddy. | 7Disappointed
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Sorry I haven't been on as much, I've been busy and lazy.
Don't worry, the tag memes are coming. ( ͡͡° ͜ʖ ͡͡°) | 11Guilty
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When you find all your "friends" have been chatting behind your back. They're all two faced backstabbing bitches that I don't need in my life. Bye bye. | 8Disgusted
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THIS IS SUCH A SAD BAD SAD PLAYLIST WHY AM I LISTENING TO IT I'M CRYING SO HARD | 11Guilty
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Sometimes I feel like I'm a shitty person/friend and and yeah that sentence doesn't really go anywhere that's about it I don't even quite know why I feel so shit mostly :/ | 11Guilty
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BTW sorry I haven't vented in a while and that my recent vent had to be so long. But I really need you guys for this one so if you haven't read it already could you please???!! 😙 | 11Guilty
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i wanted to make another account on instagram so i did but then it said my number was required and i gave them my number like they said to and guess what??? they wouldn't even fucking send me a code for some reason so i was like "okay well nvm i'll just delete this account and go back to my other one then" but then it stayed on the same fucking page asking me for a fucking number so i just uninstalled instagram which i really regret because MY DEVICE WON'T FUCKING REINSTALL IT BECAUSE """"my google account isn't synced"""" OR FUCKING WHATEVER AND NOW I CAN'T USE INSTAGRAM WHERE BASICALLY ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE WTF | 3Annoyed
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I just made everything more complicated.
Like, you care a lot for the person, you don't want to see them like this, but....
You know that somehow this is going to cause the person trust issues. And the worst part is that if you tell something like "I can't change this, this is how I am (about aromanticism)" they would think you clearly don't care for the relationship enough. | 11Guilty
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When ever I'm in a relationship with a cis guy/girl I feel extremely dysphoric but whenever I'm in a relationship with a Trans guy/girl I'm not as much dysphoric. Lmao does anyone else experience this?? | 11Guilty
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mutual meme!! ♡♡
👽
made by @.wickediy
dont remove credit !
comment an emoji & i'll fill this out for you.
⋆ i think you're !
〔👽〕super cute ngl
〔👽〕a sweetheart
〔👽〕rad rad rad
〔👽〕a Sinner
〔👽〕gay as h*ck
〔👽〕sent by the heavens
〔〕so great how are we even mutuals
〔〕other:
⋆ i love your !
〔👽〕style of postin
〔👽〕relationship with ur datemate
〔👽〕precious lil heart
〔👽〕sense of humor
〔👽〕face
〔👽〕interests / music taste
〔👽〕just ur personality overall 12/10
〔〕other :
⋆ we are !
〔〕not rly close :(
〔〕kinda friends kinda
〔👽〕good friends
〔〕qpps
〔〕datemates
〔〕gay 4 each other
〔〕both cool & should talk more
〔〕other:
⋆ you make me !
〔👽〕cry
〔👽〕laugh
〔〕wanna kms
〔〕wanna smooch u
〔〕wanna make u happy
〔👽〕think there's a reason for existing
〔〕other:
⋆ you should !
〔〕choke
〔〕send me memes
〔👽〕give me a big hug
〔👽〕have good things in life u the best
〔〕delete ur vent ew
〔👽〕always know i'm here for u dude
〔〕do this meme
〔〕other:
⋆ we should !
〔〕share music
〔〕meet irl
〔〕interact more
〔〕talk outside vent
〔👽〕go to a concert
〔〕watch a movie
〔〕make out (i mean if u wanna like)
〔〕other:
⋆ bonus: i have a _ crush on you !
〔〕plato
〔👽〕like mega intense plato
〔〕qpp
〔〕romo
〔〕idk i'm just gay for u | 22Thoughtful
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self harm
throwing up
i asked my mum to go out for dinner and now i feel SO GUILTY fucking hell
i wont be surprised if i just come home and throw it all up and self harm instead
i feel so fucking guilty
i dont deserve to eat i dont deserve to eat i dont deserve to eat i dont deserve to eat i dont deserve to eat i dont | 11Guilty
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Of course I feel awful here!!! I don't want Hraf to feel like they are a consolation, a second choice, a rebound, or a time killer till I find better! They're none of that. I honestly feel like we got some level of soulmate shit going on. I really hope we do. But I can't shake all my muddled feelings. It's complex. | 11Guilty
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Tw// sh ed
I relapsed and cut again after not doing it for 3+ months. I'm just so guilty. My intake is under 1000 but I ate fucking bread fuckkkkk I need to be punished. I need to hurt myself I am bad I'm a bad person | 11Guilty
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My son is an ungrateful little shit I showed him the phone on web chat and he wanted it he liked it so I mailed it off to him he gets the phone and acts like he don't like it like it's a peace of shit phone after he was sad that his ex burned him on the stupid ass iPhone she broke and was sad because he didn't have a phone well I tell ya what I was not happy the way he acted today that's the last time I'll ever get that little shit anything.. He's 22 but acts like a kid I love him don't get me wrong if he doesn't want the phone send it back to me and I'll make sure someone in need can have it.. Buy your own dam phone since mine is a peace of shit... I can't stand ungrateful people.. 😤😤😤😤😤😤😠😠😠😠😠😡😡😡😡😡😡😡 | 2Angry
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how do i get my best friend back? i just want my best friend back, i've cried so many times today i miss my fucking friend | 11Guilty
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my face is burning because I love my boyfriend so much
there's not even a specific thing making me blush just the fact that he's there is enough I'm so gay | 11Guilty
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she clearly has a crush on me and what do i do? fucking tell her shes being weird and distance myself instead of kindly addressing the issue and telling her im not interested so we can keep being friends
what is wrong with me oh god what the fuck is wrong with me why | 11Guilty
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🌿 positivity meme
tagged by: _USER_REFERENCE_ (tank chu fren!)
created by sobaka ♡
[ feel free to add / remove dot points as you see fit! ]
— this is no place to be modest ok
list some traits you like about yourself!
✨ I'm careful, but outgoing.
✨ I know my boundaries (which I consider good)
✨ I've been told I'm good at writing.
✨ I CAN ART
✨ I'm emotional (which is both a blessing and a curse)
✨ I'm passionate
say something nice about your...
🌺face
⏩ I love my eyes, even though they're brown
🌺body
⏩ to be honest, I don't really like my body. I guess my height is my favorite thing (even though I'm short)
🌺personality
⏩ when I care about something, I care with my whole heart (same @sselfishcunt _USER_REFERENCE_ )
🌺anything else you like about yourself
⏩ My friends say that, when they're sad, they come to me because I make them laugh.
some songs that make me feel good are...
🎶 Painting Flowers - All Time Low
🎶 Kids In the Dark- All Time Low
🎶 Primadonna Girl - Marina & the Diamonds
🎶 Follow You- Bring Me The Horizon
🎶 Sing - Hollywood Undead
🎶 Tear In My Heart- Twenty One Pilots
🎶 Ribcage - Andy Black
🎶 Bittersweet- Panic! At The Disco
🎶 New York Soul- Jon Bellion
🎶 Kaleidoscope Eyes- Panic! At The Disco
🎶 Shine On - The Amity Affliction
🎶 Angel With a Shotgun - The Cab
🎶 Warrior - Paradise Fears
🎶 Same Love - Paradise Fears
some things that make you happy are...
💗 cute animals
💗 when I see people being passionate about things they like
💗 music
💗 reading
💗 drawing
💗 writing
💗 THE INTERNET IS HERE
💗 my friends
💗 Dan and Phil
💗 Tyler Oakley
💗 YouTubers that game (like Markiplier)
💗 All Time Low (idc that this is technically music)
are there any people on vent who make you really happy? tag them! they can do this meme
i tag:
_USER_REFERENCE_
_USER_REFERENCE_
_USER_REFERENCE_
_USER_REFERENCE_
_USER_REFERENCE_
_USER_REFERENCE_
_USER_REFERENCE_
_USER_REFERENCE_
There are more, thsts just who I could think of right off my head. | 11Guilty
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They hate me. I know they do. God I'm such a shitty person. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. God I hate myself. Why am I even still alive. They deserve better. I'm an awful person. God I'm sorry. I'm so so so so sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I'm a fuck up. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please don't leave me. God why am I fucking shaking?! God I want to cry. | 11Guilty
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TW// EATING DISORDER
.
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.
.
.
still not eating...im getting shaky. It's not that I don't want to, it just feels wrong when I do. | 11Guilty
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Tw: self-harm
I self harmed a couple minutes ago and while I snuck over the restroom, I passed out. Had that every happened to anyone else? | 6Curious
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When you feel bad because you have a few friends that say they are gonna come visit... and you say you believe them even though subconsciously you don't because you are alone and used to it.
Like i don't think they are lying but i never feel like I'll actually see them. | 11Guilty
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im reading a thing on demisexuality and im relating to it and now im questioning being demisexual? i think anyway.. this entire year has been full of me questioning things i swear.... | 22Thoughtful
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everyone expects me to learn and pass the exams but im so exhausted emotionally all the time i cant bring myself to do that
i just dont have a strength to do so
i feel like a disappointment | 11Guilty
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other ppl with anxiety: super polite and nice bc they dont want to offend or hurt anyone
me: doesnt compliment ppl bc i dont want to sound weird, leaves my dogs poop in someones yard bc i didnt want them to be mad that their dog was barking at us, pretends i dont hear ppl when they talk to me | 11Guilty
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Homestuck, dating mention?
.
.
.
I know johndave is an entry-level ship but I love it so much
my qp sent me a rly gr8 fluffy fic and ugh I loved it I'm screaming | 0Adoring
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Super glad it wasn't appendicitis! Wondering wtf was/ still is a bit going on inside ma bod...
But we had to do some calls and make sure it was appendicitis, and I was still worried as it was symptoms I wasn't familiar with.
So I have a performance musical thing on today and I was awake in pain and worried for most of last night...maybe scraped an hour of sleep tops, plus babe fell asleep with the lights on and I was hurting too much too crawl over him to get off bed so I had to attempt asking him to turn them off several times...it feels like I did an 'almost' all nighter, actually worse, like I got a bit of sleep but overall didn't get much or nearly enough. I kinda feel sick from it tbh, but I have to get up and start getting ready asap...
Like I'm glad my appendix didn't rupture, but it also means false alarm, I kept peeps up including myself, and have no idea how I'm gonna stay awake for all of the performance...with this much sleep caffiene can only do so much, and I usually end up getting queezy and shit... | 18Relieved
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I’m so confused and sad and I don’t know wHY
Ive got weird depression and suddenly I’m not into Jordan but I am??????????????????
Ugh
I’ll figure it out eventually | 5Confused
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I’m hurting people. I’m hurting a bunch of people, because I’m in love with you. So many people want me for some odd reason. I feel like I’m leading them on. We aren’t together but I tried to move on too quickly and I got myself in a situation that idk how to get out of. I’ve told you I wanna be with you, this other girl wants me and I feel like I’m leading her on and I don’t wanna hurt her. I don’t know what to do. | 11Guilty
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Anyone else thing One Directions album 4 is titled 4 because they knew zayn would leave and they would only have 4 members left??? | 6Curious
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I was hoping for karma to be a bitch and get back at my mom, but now I feel bad because I’m pretty sure she just broke her ankle pretty bad. I have a lot of emt training and it looks pretty bad. Part of me is like she deserves it but I also feel bad... | 11Guilty
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Its sad but ... how do I become happy on my own?
I've always been so dependant on people and its so weird ... do I just got with the flow?
Do what I like to do? | 6Curious
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I just.. Can't anymore.
The only reason I haven't done anything is cause I'm a fucking pussy and lazy as all hell. | 11Guilty
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I can't believe the actions of so called friends. The fact that they would pick a trashy girlfriend over people they have know for 10 years. I guess it's a good thing this happened. Your true colors were shown. How dare you come to my house and try to kick my door down then put your hands on me, practically strangle me.. when that girl breaks your heart because she's done mooching off you don't you even think about coming to me. You can go to hell for all I care....and yea you woman beating bitch..I'll see you in court and I'll visit you just so I can see you behind bars. | 8Disgusted
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I tried to be polite and show interest when in reality I don't give a shit and now I don't know how-to get out of it without ignoring you and becoming a full blown arse hole.. | 11Guilty
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vague abt a pop venter
not abt mutuals
not abt icky
not abt parallax
not abt djinn
not abt craig
invalidation?
what happened to your system though 👀👀👀 | 11Guilty
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aaaaaa I want attentionnnnn. give me attention I'm bored bored bored aaaaaaaaa I'm sucha fuckig attention whore shut the fuck up roxas | 11Guilty
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and now I'm a fucking transphobe bc of my opinion and misunderstanding?
good fucking luck changing my mind now you goddamn idiots. | 3Annoyed
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Idk I feel like a lot more things should be solar powered like the sun is just sittin there like a blob and we aren't using it right. | 12Happy
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that sounds super night and day but i’ve been thinking about it for a little bit and i just don’t feel the same anymore??? is that normal | 11Guilty
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My best friends ex boyfriend is hitting on me and now I don't like him and ugh I just don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't think I really like anyone so ugh | 3Annoyed
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food log
1 cup black coffee: 3cal
1 cup green tea: 0cal
some cauliflower & broccoli salad: ~150cal?? for sauce
1 small ham & cheese sandwich: ~350cal
1 rice cake with fat free cheese & sriracha: 60cal
1 tbsp hummus & some baby carrots: 60cal
total: ~625cal
exercise: 50 minutes walking -255cal
net: 370cal
water: 2L
weight: 152.2lbs | 11Guilty
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i'm honestly on this app all the time . i don't post all the time but i just kinda look at posts 😂😂🙃 why did i ever stop using this app | 11Guilty
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I feel bad about triggering other victims
But I never know what I'm doing wrong?
I think we all have a different way of interpreting things...
Like when men say "all women are cheaters"
I can undoubtably assume that this man has been cheated on...probably by every single woman he's dated..that is the only logical conclusion to come to.
And I don't get offended
If I hear a woman say all men are rapists I can assume she's a rape victim. Probably has had more than one perpetrator of the sexual violence...how else would she arrive at that conclusion?
| 11Guilty
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I'm angry that such tragic things can occur to such loving, heartfelt people who DONT FREAKING DESERVE to have these things done to them. My friends are going through some pretty major low points in their lives ATM and I wish my comforting skills for as good as water in the desert. I hope that I can be the person they need because I want to do anything possible to get them through this time right now. | 2Angry
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i don't know what to do, when my mom did this my view was turned that is was selfish. i don't understand what i'm feeling or what i'm supposed to feel. my brain hurts and i don't want to be rude but also holding in my thoughts hurts so much. if i let them out i could hurt someone or offend someone and i don't want that. i'm feeling weird again and seeing that triggered something in me. i don't want to let it affect me because it's probably selfish but it just did. i don't understand what's going on and i don't understand what to do. it feels like nothing is real right now. i keep blocking everything out and acting like it isn't happening or going to happen and i know it's not good. i pray that he's okay, but i don't know what else to do.
having it so close again reminds me of her, even though i was too little i think i can feel her pain but i'm unsure how to help with his. | 11Guilty
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I bit my hands when I was a little girl, now I hit myself leaving yellow and red bruises the size of tennis balls
It relieves stress
what the fuck is wrong with me | 21Surprised
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Went shopping with friends today and bought over $100 (Canadian) worth of bras and panties from Victoria Secret and Pink. (3 bras and 5 panties)
Why I feel bad:
1) $100 is a lot of money.
2) No one is going to see it anyway so I should've spent that much money on them and instead should've use the money to buy clothes.
- I ended up not buying any clothes which I actually needed...
3) I came home late as well.
Why I do not feel as bad:
1) I needed bras and panties anyway.
2) I used my own money not my parents'.
3) They were on sale.
4) I feel confident in them. Plus reason why I buy it is not to show anyone ofc, just to stare at my own reflection and feel satisfied. 😂
5) I probably won't go shopping again anytime soon because I am so busy. | 11Guilty
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I made my mom help me after my breakdown on Sunday and now I want to go out with friends tonight but she'll have to do lifts and she's already given up so much I time for me and she has to work till midnight every night maybe I shouldn't go out | 11Guilty
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Okay so i felt bad for Syrus (my dog) so i sorta put a drop of red sauce in my eye so we're equal and ngl it feels really nice. Its like thick water | 11Guilty
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I’m on the verge of not graduating on time and I hate myself for it because its all my fault. Theres no way I’ll be able to bounce back if I dont pass all my classes this tri and I feel like shit because tomorrows the last day. | 11Guilty
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Adib Sin & in love with a ghost announcing that they'll have a collab in 2018 ♩💛 | 10Excited
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"You're not sleeping with your sister tonight." Screw you, my sister is all I have in this messed up shitty family. I am going to hold her tonight, and she is going to hold me. And we are going to cry. Deal with it. | 8Disgusted
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That feel when you want to eat a specific serving of something that takes forever to cook and the serving ends up being like ONE chicken nugget. Pisses me off so much tbh . | 3Annoyed
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i am just... not that. | 19Sad
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Don't read.
Kinda bad of me I guess. Only sharing bc the situation is Fixed but. Just like.
Don't read anyway. Even if the problem is fixed now you'll probably still think less of me.
If you read this anyway you better interact with it.
I was so fucking close to not eating all day. Not getting out of bed was the ultimate goal, but my sis dragged me out shopping, and since I told her I would yesterday, I couldn't say no. But getting out of bed I could deal with. People would've asked questions if I didn't show myself eventually. I would've been Bad for being reclusive (or honestly just dissociative and tired).
So I settled for the next best goal. Don't eat. I don't know why. I just. Decided I didn't need to eat. That I shouldn't eat. Like. It wasn't even a "I don't deserve to eat" like it normally is. It was just an... "I'm gonna not eat" for some reason. Maybe part of me just wanted to suffer.
I ate multivitamin gummies this morning before I committed to the idea but those don't count. They aren't food. They help, but they aren't FOOD.
But after we got back I went back to my room to continue my.... I don't know what to even call this. I'm just so.... Empty. Devoid of hardly any motivation to fucking MOVE. But my stepmom texted me just now. She's going to subway and wanted to know if I wanted anything.
I couldn't say no. If I said no, someone would be suspicious. If today had been a normal day, I could get away with not eating because everyone would assume I did it behind their backs. Like I always seem to do. But if someone orders food, or cooks food..... If I turn it down, it's obvious that I skipped the meal. It's obvious I skipped ALL of the day's meals.
So I texted her what I normally get from subway and I guess now I gotta eat it.
I was so fucking close to not eating all day. It's kinda sad, I was almost proud of myself for it. I was proud of not eating all day. And now I realize what exactly happened today and I just...... I'm overcome with guilt and self-loathing. I can't believe I've done this to myself again. I can't believe I've relapsed like this. | 11Guilty
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