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What to say to someone who talks about killing themselves and having depression?

TW: mentioned suicide wish. So I am not friends with this person, but I have followed them on social media for a very long time (4 years) and have met them one time in person, when we were close in vicinity (they live in a different country). We also wrote sometimes via dms about this and that. About 20h ago they posted a checklist for signs to look out for, if you suspect someone is going to take their life and they made a check behind nearly all of them. In the caption they talked how they want to die, how they feel like a failure and absolutely worthless with what they archieved (or not archieved) in life so far. The only thing holding them back from killing themselves is their fear of pain. They say nothing that we could comment would make her feel better. Is there something I can say, should I send them a help hotline? (They said they already called a hotline but hung up after a short moment in waiting line.) Is there something impactful, that I can say to prevent them from killing themselves?

I wanna make a change

I'm an 18 soon to be 19 in December. I dropped out of school in my second year of 6th form because of depression and I've been stuck in a job I hate since. But I could tolerate it I thought I could turn it around. But now with all my few friends off to uni I've been feeling exceedingly low the last few months. Like I'm stuck doing something I hate with all my friends going away and no way to make new ones. I'll be honest I really don't know what to do I feel like I've got no way out I don't really have any hobbies I just used to play video games with mates but like I said they're all going away. Either way I hate this and want to change and try and turn my life around but I'm really lost. I feel like I'm out of time and options like I don't think I can go back to school and turn it around from there but I really don't know. Any advice would be appreciated I'm just sick of this.

I don’t want to live anymore

I’ve never felt so alone and I’m ashamed to have close to no social life. My friends removed me from the group because my social anxiety became a burden and my family has their own social life. I’m a burden to everyone around me and I’m a pathetic loser who has nothing to do and I’m just done. I’m so tired of feeling this way and hating myself. I’m finally at the point where I don’t think I’d hurt anyone if I left. I guess I’m just posting this for closure, but if anyone could provide a reason to stay I’m open to listening. I’m a piece of shit human clearly so it might be a waste of breath

"Paying for happiness" - anyone else?

Some quick background: I have struggled with anxiety and depression for much of my adult life (I am 43). For many years it was low-level and manageable, with occasional flare-ups, but an extremely traumatic event three years ago triggered a period of major depression in my life that I am still dealing with. I am very high-functioning - most of the people in my life probably wouldn't even know of my struggles if I wasn't very candid about them - but it can get really, really bad sometimes. I have gone to therapy for over 15 years now and for the past few years have regularly seen multiple therapists. I was on various SSRIs/SNRIs over the years but they never did much of anything for me and I have been off all meds for about 14 months now. I did GeneSight pharmacogenomic testing recently and it turns out that I have significantly reduced folic acid conversion (which is apparently a common characteristic of people with major depression) and so I started taking folinic acid supplements a little over a month ago to try to help with this. No noticeable improvement yet. I have also been doing psychedelic-assisted therapy for about a year now, which includes weekly talk therapy with a strong focus on processing childhood traumas, reintegration, IFS (internal family structures) therapy, and the like. As part of this therapy, I have done 5 "journeys" so far. This has been the therapeutic regimen that I have felt the most growth and progress from, but I am still plagued with lots of issues. I really feel like I'm throwing everything but the kitchen sink at my depression (plus stuff like meditation, exercise, sometimes yoga, etc. etc.) but nothing every really "takes." I have noticed a pattern recently where when I am able to experience true happiness (which is fairly uncommon for me - not just feeling pretty okay but genuinely feeling joy, having actual fun, etc.), I will inevitably experience a comedown within 1-3 days. And the better I feel, the harder the comedown is. It is like getting high on a euphoria-producing drug and then having the inevitable crash. It is as if my body and mind HAVE to revert back to a depressive norm, like a rubber band snapping back; the higher I stray from it, the more intense the snapback. This is devastating, even as I have recognized the pattern and come to expect it. It literally feels like I am punished by my own body/mind for daring to experience happiness or joy. It feels like a cruel trick by the Universe every time, or like I have to pay the piper for not feeling depressed for one damn day. I have considered the possibility of bipolar disorder, but I really don't think that's it. Certainly yo-yoing between joy and depression has that weird polarity, but the happiness is always caused by externals - a trip somewhere, quality time with friends, a great experience, etc. It doesn't just come out of nowhere. I really have to find and create the happiness. It is the "punishment" that has no rhyme or reason aside from following the pattern. It is inevitable even if nothing bad happens to bring me down - it's just a crash, like a plane running out of fuel and dropping out of the sky. And while the happiness can feel euphoric sometimes, it doesn't feel like any kind of manic episode I've heard or read about. It is more just the joy of feeling some goddamn unvarnished happiness for a little while. Does anyone else experience this? Any suggestions?!

Sertraline

Just want to know im not crazy, i would definitely call myself a hypochondriac in the sense that when i feel a little ill/off i think about it so much i feel like its affecting me worse than it really is. About an hour ago i took my first dose of sertraline and i feel like my heads already swimming and im feeling so tired. I highly doubt its because of the sertraline as i know they can take weeks to effect you, i just need someone to tell me this is all in my head, or that this really can happen. I just need some sanity

I'm getting back to that place

These days suck, I can't even get out for food today. I wanted to try cycling just to get out of the house but turns out that will have to wait until the bike is fixed. And yea i could try running to but i don't have running clothes and shoes. Im just really depressed lately and being stuck at home isn't helping I'm feel like I'm losing hope that things will get better, because even if I did try I feel like things will get boring eventually.

Is 31 yo too late to treat more than a decade of depression, find friends, and fall in love?

I'm your middle aged loser stereotype: * 31 years old * unemployed and living at home * personality & interests gone from a life of depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder Basically, I’m just existing from day to day. Trying and failing again and again has left me incredibly exhausted, and I'm just beginning to find the hope again. I'm currently working up the courage to look for a job and start living my life. But I have this horrible, haunting fear that being in my 30s makes it too late to make any meaningful connections with anybody anymore. I have zero interests, zero hobbies, and no personality. 31 yo seems too late to start building those things and connect with anybody. I hear even normal, level headed people struggle to make new friends and date in their 30s. The internet seems full of people who are rich with interests, hobbies, and personality... I feel so behind and undeveloped. Whatever personality I used to have is gone, and I just feel empty. Is it too late?

Taking drugs to feel less conscious

I could really use some support rn. I feel broken. I don’t feel like I can do anything. I hate my job and trying to get myself to work. I have lived in a new apartment for 2 weeks now and have not cooked a single thing nor put away most of my stuff. I tried reaching out to my friends to do things, but it never ends up working out. I don’t want to die, but I do not want to experience life. I just want to take enough drugs to feel out of my body. my ex confiscated my opioids last week, leaving me with only weed and Xanax and random prescriptions that I could try to take a lot of. I don’t even know if I have the energy to do anything for myself, but what might help me feel better?

How to stop that ache/heavy feeling in your chest...

Hi everyone. I'm in one of my heavier episodes and I've got that awful ache/heavy feeling in my chest and honestly I can ignore the spiraling thoughts and everything enough to get by, but I can't stop that feeling, and I'm just trying to get some work done because the fact that I haven't gotten any work done for four days isn't helping but I can't *do* my work because that sensation is so damn distracting. Any advice is appreciated. I'm already on a waitlist for therapy covered by my insurance, I've eaten enough today, I've had water, I've done some walking around, I've taken all the fuckin' steps and I'm trying but I can't focus because my chest hurts and it keeps pulling my head away from a working mindset to "I'm so miserable".

Starting the fight

I have been deep in depression and anxiety for a year or so. I am sick of it. I scheduled an appointment with a psychologist for Monday morning. I'm ready to fight. Here's the big challenge: I feel like I am stuck in mental and emotional quicksand. I feel so much resistance to everything and my brain is super foggy. I also lack motivation. Those who have experienced it know what I'm talking about and understand the challenges associated with this. So, who can offer advice on how to battle this?

I’m lost, stuck and desperate

I’m at a point in my life where I am extremely depressed and have strongly considered suicide. I always feel weak and tired, with no motivation or willpower to do the simplest of tasks. I feel like any motivation I have to better myself is weaker than my will to end my life. I live in a moderately poor house (we have the money to put food on the table and pay bills, but the slightest slip and we’re homeless), I’m 20 and dependent on my parents, my dad who is also depressed and unhappy with his job, my mom is chronically ill and bedridden for the most part. I love my parents to death, but I could never let myself ask them for help, I’m already a burden enough as it is, and I couldn’t live with myself if they felt any guilt for the way I feel and not being able to afford help for me. I tried to have a simple retail job that I thought I could handle so I’d be able to support myself, but I had to quit on my first full day because I was too weak to physically stand the whole work day, and couldn’t be of much use. It was the most embarrassing and shameful day in my life and that incident sent me even further into depression. The only reasons I haven’t killed myself yet is because I love my mom, and because I still have hope that someone out there will someday choose to love me, and the prospect of raising a family with that woman is the only hope I haven’t lost. But the more and more time progresses, even that hope is starting to dwindle. I feel like my cowardice is what’s really getting in the way of my killing myself, but I don’t know how long it will keep me back. What can I do?

Heavy Shame From Drunken Past

Starting around 2015, I tried to fix my depression with alcohol. Stupid, I know. I'm sober and I think quite a lovely person now, but I can't stop remembering back then, and feeling this all consuming shame that makes me want to die. First instance, I was nervous about/at a social gathering. I drank too much and don't remember everything, but I think I spoke to a poor, nice guy about Shakespeare and my dream of being a writer and god knows what for ages, and then I was just obnoxious. Not my shy self anymore. Talked loud. Tried to high five somebody who left me hanging because, well, you couldn't blame them. Just awful cringy. I did a semi burp, I think, which alerted my friends, who got me into the bathroom, and then I remember being half asleep in a chair, with that lovely guy trying to reassure me that I would be getting home soon. My mum eventually came and got me. I threw up in a bin outside, and was spouting Yeats poetry whilst stumbling with my mum and my friend holding me up. I can't stop remembering, and feeling this suicidal, heavy shame. Then, 2017, I met my boyfriend. Gorgeous human being. For maybe three out of the four years we've been together, I've been a sporadic drunk. Drinking at home. Getting drunk. Crying my eyes out. Or angrily breaking up with him, self-sabotaging. He's had to take the locks off all the doors so I don't do something stupid and he can't get in. One night, I even blanked out. I don't drink like that anymore, but I cannot stop thinking about how horrible it would've all been for him. I was so needy, horrible, greedy, drunk, and delusional. And no matter how much I apologise and try to make up for it, I still feel rotten. He keeps telling me to forget about it, not linger in that place, and that he's forgiven me, but how can he? He's been this amazing guy, and I was unemployed for about two years there, along with the drunk crap, and broke up with him and then felt shame and apologised in the morning way, way too many times over. I'm aware that I'm just living far too much in the past, but I can't get over this shame. I need help. I guess I just want to know if anybody else has ever felt similarly, and maybe, what helped them?

judging depression

last night I seen this video of a girl saying “the girl who’s crying in the bathroom could also be the girl who hasn’t changed her underwear in 4 days, all depression doesn’t look the same.” I quickly scrunched my nose and thought how “how gross” and didn’t think about it again until later last night. I walked to the bathroom passed the mirror and realized I have been wearing the same t shirt and shorts for the last 6 days. I hate myself for being depressed and not being able to get of this. I hate myself because I can’t even see the same person that I judged is me just judging myself.

I'm drowning

I feel like Im drowning. The past couple days I finally felt better... last night it hit me like a ton of bricks. I cant stop crying. It took all the energy I had to go to get coffee and lunch today... even that i took a couple bites and put leftovers up. I just want to crawl in a hole. I'm so fucking alone. I can't be open to anyone when my depression gets bad because my whole life if it was bad my family thought I was just wanting attention. I feel like a burden and a waste of space.

Excessive drinking, help please

Hello guys. A friend of mine has always been quite introvert. Preferably staying at home to read a book. He hated alcohol, partying and smoking. And he used to be very socially awkward. Since he became depressed, he started drinking and partying a lot. He also gets drunk quite often, sometimes this will make him scared and I would have to go get him. This isn’t the person he used to be. And I know alcohol is bad for his Multiple Sclerosis and Depression. (He is using antidepressants). But he doesn’t seem to care. I don’t recognize him when he behaves like that.. All the while he keeps ignoring people’s texts because he doesn’t have the energy to respond. But apperently he does have te energy to party? Which is something i do not understand. I will have a talk with him tomorrow. What can I do or say to support him? How do I make him realize that his behavior is selfdestructive without making things worse? What could be his reason to drink so much alcohol? I really want to understand this huge change in personality, but I keep thinking that depression isn’t an excuse for it. Please give me some insight.

Is my "popular" intensive trauma program abusive/unfit/re-traumatizing for me?

I feel like my intensive trauma program is deeply harming me. I wanna talk about it with people outside my treatment team. So, I've outlined my history and concerns as concisely and as comprehensively I could.. any input is appreciated <3 You can skip sections if you like. ​ *Background —* I’m a young adult female. I’ve struggled with CPTSD for many years now as a result of childhood trauma and adult experiences of abuse+violence. I slipped into a severe depressive episode this year after a sexual assault. I have a caring primary care doctor and a psychiatrist — they want to help me manage the intense levels of panic and depression I’ve recently experienced while using minimal medication. I’ve been on mirtazipine (an antidepressant) for 4 weeks and I’m able to function more (reduced depression but ongoing anxiety). I am also trying to eat more and gain weight as I am underweight. *“Issues”—* Nightmares (resulting insomnia), panic attacks that last 2-6 hours, flashbacks, hyper vigilance, dissociation, physical pain, anxiety, depression. I also experience a lot of self doubt and self blame. No history of hallucinations, drug misuse, or violence towards others. All of the above have improved significantly while being on mirtazipine. I am now able to sleep regularly and eat well when before I was neither able to sleep nor eat due to the level of panic symptoms I was experiencing. Mere improvements in sleep have allowed me to better manage anxiety and panic when they do happen. *My goals —* I want help with regulating sleep, food, and mood so I am more equipped to manage triggers and painful memories, while also creating a future worth moving towards. My body’s responses are natural responses to an unnatural situation of abuse. I want to be able to listen to my body and give myself what I need, which is tenderness, kindness, and respect. I expect respect and gentleness from people I interact with as well - it is essential for my healing. I’m not interested in picking apart my trauma or suppressing what is showing up - I want to be able to meet my needs fully. *Things I’ve tried —* Medication, therapy, meditation, healthy food, exercise, self care, and trauma informed movement. I’ve found that mind body integration through somatic work + low dose medication is an amazing combo. Talk therapy has felt highly distressing lately (maybe because my providers are not actually trauma informed) even though I’ve been engaged with different types of talk therapy for the last 8 years and had success. **I feel hurt by my intensive program —** I started an outpatient intensive partial program (in addition to monthly check ins with my pcp + psychiatrist) and I think it’s doing more harm than good. *This is where I need your thoughts.* 1- The intake staff raised their voice at me but I hoped it’s just the cruel gatekeepers and that the actual staff will be kind because it’s supposed to be trauma informed. 2- I got thrown into a 6 hour day when they told me it will only be a quick 20 minute intake. It instead turned into 6 hours of invasive questioning, classes, and therapy - during which I was required to be present and not eat. 2.1- There was no personal check in or regard for the fact that I was highly disregulated because I wasn’t allowed to move or eat when hungry. This resulted in a 5 hour panic attack after the day ended, nightmares, and inability to sleep. I struggled with severe body aches for 2 days after because of how distressed I was. 3- Part of the program day was meeting with a psychiatrist that immediately fixated on racially targeted questions - “where are you actually from” “why are you here” “what’s your visa status” even though I never brought that up and she assumed I’m foreign because I’m not white. This meeting lasted 13 minutes after which she told me my current medication is incorrect and I need to be on antipsychotics (?) without ever asking me what I need. She interrupted me every time I tried to express what is currently going on. She barely looked at me and spent the whole time eating and looking at the computer. This was the ONLY personalized meeting I have had in this program - everything else was groups or front desk people doing questionnaires. 4- I have had no meeting with anyone during or before the program regarding what I need or how this program is customized to me. 5- almost every individual in the program is on medication and there seems to be general push towards strong sedating medication. Most members could not even sit up during groups due to the level of sedation. 6- I have corrected the clinicians and staff over 4 times in a single day with the name they use for me and they continue to use incorrect names for me. I don’t feel respected. 7- The staff seems to treat every action of every client as a sickness. For example, a woman felt emotional anger when someone was rude towards her in public — the staff fixated on the validity or invalidity of that anger instead of the safety needs in that situation. 8- The staff and the program itself feels very paternalizing. Example — a clinician did an activity asking everyone to name “vacation spots” that start with F before jumping into talking about emotional dysregulation and severe distress. The clinician (an intern in training) had a color wheel with activities at the level of a 4th grader for an adult group. 9- The program is apparently owned by a for-profit company and has dangerously negative reviews on google by clients and on LinkedIn+Glassdoor by staff. ​ How do I navigate my care when I'm feeling unsupported by the current "treatment"?

Everyone ghosting after some time

Hey, eh, life is shit. Whenever it goes good, in next few days sth shit happens. Now I dont want to even have good moments, because after them there are 2x more worse. Last few months I lost my job, ended weirdest relationship ever which I still miss, suspicion of stomach cancer. Everything at 21y old. Besides that my parents literally hate me and only few friends stayed with me, rest faded out because I wasnt going to drink vodka/alcohol almost everyday. And the worst part of last months/years are new peoole who I meet. Most of them were really cool, always said they will never ghost but after some time they were doing same shit, which fucking hurts when you get to know someone close. Now I feel like fucking shit, being on knees in front of toilet, vomiting blood, not having energy to go out, when few months ago I wanted to start marathon. Only positive side of last months is reducing amount of drugs( throwing cigs, max few beers per month etc). And also withdrawing from being addicted to halcion. Now I'm also really scared about university, because there wont be online lessons, but normal. And in current state its hard to go up from bed, not talking about living as normal student. Nothing on Earth basically makes me happy now, Im just living because Im too scared to end this? So I just let the life pass. But I will probably not live much longer naturally so. Even my psychologist postponed my visit over 2 weeks in currently worst part of my life. And my "real friends" are banter type so I cant talk with them about these topics(yes i tried ended bad) I just want soneone to idk ask me whats up in my life, talk with me and say everything will be ok. But it happens only in 2 situations:someone need money or is sexually attracted shortterm. Sry for long post, but its like 1/100 of my current thoughts still.

Scared to call crisis services

I'm in the USA. I have no insurance and effectively no money (like, none; I have some family, but asking them is out of the question). I'm pretty sure something's pretty wrong, considering I've been crying and panicking and bludgeoning myself and thinking about suicide for years now, but I don't have any resources to go to an actual doctor. Earlier tonight when I was more worked up I called the US national suicide prevention hotline. The guy I talked to gave me the number for mobile crisis services in my (rural) county. I explained my financial/insurance situation to him and he assured me that if I call them, a doctor with this service will come to my location and it's free, no charge… …but even if it's true, what then? I can't imagine they're going to actually do anything except take me to a hospital, stick me there for a few days, maybe they give me some medication… and then they release me and tell me to make a follow up appointment with a doctor somewhere I can't pay and probably can't physically get to (no car, rural area), and I get a bill for the hospital stay. Which I categorically will not be able to pay. If that's what would happen, I truly am better off dead. TL;DR I want help but I strongly suspect that if I ask for any, I'm only going to get the opposite. Am I crazy or am I right?

Mental health issues

Okay so I'm a 17 yr old girl on her menstrual cycle and prescribed 20ml of an antidepressant/antianxiety medication called fluoxitine and I have questions for people who are in a similar situation. Is it normal to feel so depressed and irritable, so much so that I can't even be around people without being afraid I'd say/do something not in line with my regular personality and while constantly experiencing mood swings and almost intrusive-like suicidal thoughts (without the urge to go through with it, kind of just like "oh I should just die then" in response to a negative thought) I feel like I'm going crazy, would the medicine normally prevent stuff like this? I can't tell if this is genuinely a problem or if it's a combination of maybe teenage hormones/menstrual hormones. I don't go back to see my therapist for another two weeks I'm just so out of ideas on what is wrong with me or what I should to stop feeling like this. It's been like this for two days straight

I could really do with some kind words.

So I just got off the phone with my GP. She's prescribing me Prozac. I've never been on psych meds before. I'm 17 and have struggled with increasingly worse severe depression since I was 11. I'm undiagnosed as of now because I'm only this last 2 months seeking help for the first time (kind of a do-or-die situation.) I'm from the UK and NHS mental health services are dire. My GP essentially told me that due to being 17 and a half years old, I'm too young for adult mental health services and too old to be referred to the adolescent services. She listened to me talk and on the spot said that I sound like I have PTSD (I honestly feel like I do as well, but I'm not prepared to say I have it w/o formal diagnosis) which I feel was way too quickly to say something like that. Basically the next half year i'll be monitored to make sure the Prozac doesn't finish me off, because in people of my age it can make suicidal feelings get worse. I feel so lost. She said I can't see a psychiatrist or a clinic or anything until I'm 18, which is 7 months away, so I'm just put on meds and stuck waiting. I feel such lack of support or urgency... I literally want to die and they're just like "here's some pills, come back when you're 18." I don't know, maybe I'm complaining too much. I just felt like they were worryingly quick to give me meds and tick me off the list. I'm super overwhelmed right now, there wasn't even any talk of side affects or really what to expect, apart from "by the way, these pills make you even more suicidal sometimes."

I have no one else to talk to

Well, here goes... I'm 30 years old and work as a systems administrator for a tech company. I work long hours-- 10-13 a day, specifically, and I don't have much to show for it. Not without showing appreciation for what I have; I can pay my rent for the tiny, but cozy apartment we live in, the lights are on and there's food on the table, but it's so, so very hard to maintain that. I'm not complaining or blaming anyone, but I'm the only person in my house that has the ability to work. But after the last couple years, even I'm starting to struggle. I have borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder with psychosomatic symptoms. I willingly starve myself when I feel fat and ugly. I'm on five different types of medication, all of which cost nearly $100 for me to get. My partner is also dependent on medication. We're both ill, but their situation is a bit tougher than my own. We can't afford to see the doctor often, no matter how hard i work. I make decent pay, but because of our crippling debt and the growing housing crisis, I have to work 50-60hrs a week just do we have enough money left to get groceries. I feel like a failure. I come from a wealthy family that has all but abandoned me. I have my mother still, who is as supportive as she can be, but even she struggles to help me when I'm at my worst. Up until recently, I used to allow myself to succumb to my feelings and share them often. But all that did was cause those I spoke to to worry about me. They're understandably frustrated because simply talking doesn't always help me. There's so much stress and anxiety in my mind that I'm constantly in pain and telling my loved ones that either scares them or leaves them speechless. My partner told me they feel helpless when they see me this way, cried while saying that too. My mom told me the same. So... I decided to wear a false smile and tell them I'm okay so I don't make them feel that way anymore. Its not fair to spread my pain to others. Their problems are so much bigger than mine. I usually snag the bathroom for extended periods of time because its the only place I can cry in private. So... I spend a lot of time in the bathroom. I feel like a failure all the time. I couldn't give my partner a house or a honeymoon. I can't afford to get her the treatment she needs and I certainly don't consider getting any for myself because I feel like I can still function on the bare minimum. I can't work two jobs like I used to because my physical health has started taking a nosedive. I know that things could be so much worse for us. Its not like I'm ungrateful but I just feel so bad all the time. I'm constantly feeling like everyone hates me and sees me as a burden. I feel like I have nothing to show for all the work I do and I can't stop working because we can't afford it. I'm lucky to be working from home for now but we return to the office soon. Now being around people in a small room terrifies me because of covid. If I get sick, everything will fall apart for my family. I'm so, so very tired. And in mental agony. All the fucking time. I can't afford therapy, i don't even know where to start in finding outside support. Not even sure why I'm posting here... I just needed someone to know this. Its not like I want to kill myself or anything, I have too many people depending on me, but sometimes I wish I could go to bed and just not wake up. Everything hurts. All the time. And I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if this isn't the right place or if this is an eyesore on this subreddit. But if you made it this far down, thank you so much for your time.

Can quitting smoking weed help with depression ??

I’ve been smoking heavily since I was 16-17 daily with only a month a half break due to drug test I I had to pass , ( I’m 24 now) but lately I’ve been noticing that when I go for about 2 days with out it , I start getting really bad thoughts about about my self and feeling like I’m bout to start slipping back into depression and that is the last thing I want. I don’t know if it’s the weed in particular or if my body and mind is just so use to smoking that I can’t deal with stress not high . I just wanna be “okay” whatever that means.

I don't know if I'm depressed, or just exhausted.

I'm only 12, but I already have certain suicidal thoughts, I know that I won't do it, but it crosses my mind. Ever since I did badly on a math quiz my grade started dropping lower and lower, not to mention the teacher hates me. Unfortunately, I am in a high school level course, and cannot simply ask my teacher to explain. I wake up wanting to just be finished, and fall asleep the same way. I can't even imagine telling this to my parents, or them even beginning to believe me.

Needing encouragement/advice

I have been battling depression for months now. I’m on meds, and going to therapy, and not smoking pot, and nothing appears to be working. I still wake up and wish I was asleep. I have no goals, no aspirations, no pleasure. No hobbies, lack of friends, lack of connection. My girlfriend is the only thing I have and she’s getting tired of my negative vibes. It’s exhausting. I’m 27 and work at Walmart and feel like utter garbage. What is the point of living if I get zero pleasure? I’ve been working out and meditating but it seems like nothing is changing. My depression is just crushing. Looking at jobs and feeling like I can’t do anything at all. I need something to change. I need a lift. I’m so hard on myself. I just want to sleep all day and wallow around. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m just going through the motions and it’s suffocating. I’m so lost I just want to scream. Will this ever go away? It feels like I will always be this way.

Can't find a therapist I can afford

I feel like a therapist will really help. I have Beacon insurance and I'm realizing, after contacting over 20 therapists, that they don't want to take my insurance because it pays so little. The cheapest therapists are around $60/session out of pocket and I can't afford that weekly. I was thinking about seeing if I could get by on one session a month, but would that really help or will I just be losing precious rent and food money? I'm distressed about all this...

Therapy- is it actually worth it?

I’ve never had much luck with therapy in the past- although I’ve only had 2 different people. I have this idea that they can’t tell me anything I don’t already know so why waste the money? But people in my life recommend therapy. I don’t know what to do. I want to be better as soon as possible. For instance, I’m kind of stubborn. If I don’t want to improve my life right now, a therapist can’t make me. Right? What does a therapist or counselor have to offer? Can someone give me a reason why therapy is helpful? Necessary? I don’t see it right now tbh.

How do you love yourself when you don't see any value there?

Hey all. I’m turning to you because... I’m not sure where else to go. I’m living in Melbourne, Australia at the moment. Getting help is tougher than I ever imagined. Mental health organisations are overworked and understaffed. Therapy sessions are far from affordable. And I am holding on to my last string. To be honest, I have been for some time. My whole life, I’ve felt undesirable and worthless. I don’t see much value in myself or what I do, and I never have. I constantly feel like a waste of space. It has me thinking: is life really worth living this way? I met someone who made me feel otherwise... at least for a while. But the honeymoon phase is long over and as he retreats back into his shell of commitment-less comfort, I melt into a puddle of misery. Perhaps it’s because I know the one thing I’m unequivocally good at is **loving someone else**. So maybe I should learn to love **myself** instead. But how do I do that when I can’t see any value in myself? It’s an impossible task.

Struggling this morning big time

I came home from vacation yesterday (which wasn’t that great anyway) and I woke up crying my eyes out. I feel so sad and empty. I know I’m just overwhelmed by the trip back and unpacking and everything but I need some support if anyone can offer. My aunt also told me that her kidney function is low in her remaining kidney (she had the other removed because of cancer) and thats not great news. I am tapering off Lexapro after 7 years on it and I’m expecting that most of this is due to that, but its hard to convince myself in the moment. I really need a hug but I cant go to my aunt—she’s struggling enough. I feel so alone.

My mental health is getting really bad guys

I’ve lost count how many times I’ve posted this. My mental health is crippling me. I can’t get over the fact I’m a 22 year old virgin and no girls remotely enjoy me or my company. My depression and anxiety has reached such a point that I don’t even wanna hang out with my friends because their success with women just makes me feel so bad about myself. Recently, this girl who I was gonna ask out just subtly told me she wasn’t interested. I’m so jealous and envious of my friends with women. I just need advice.

3rd failed relationship in a short while. I'm giving up ever finding love.

The current dating scene is so shallow, and no one takes time to get to knowing each other properly - or everyone is just rebounding x infinite. I'm sick of being alone, and sick of getting dumped within the first 3 months. This time i will **not** resort to drinking, but i feel **hollow and alone right now.** I'm a (in their words) good looking guy - with lots of humor, easy going, and great in bed. And even that is not enough. I'm **done** with dating. it's one big disappointment. I'm just a fucktoy.😒

Can someone help me?

I am a 13 depressed and suicidal kid. I have been like this since the age of 11.i have no enjoyment for life whatsoever. My parents are strict so they want me to be at the top of my class. But since I've fallen in this state, my grades have started to slip. My parents got really mad at me and made me work even harder. But it's hard. I have zero motivation. I have failed. As a child, as a friend, as a student, as a person. I am too scared to tell my mom. I told my dad. He seemed to care for a week. Then he shomed no empathy. Back to a strict parent. My mom says depression isn't real. I haven't told her. I just heard her while she was talking to her friend. They expect me to study 14 hrs a day and only play for 2 hrs on Sundays. I am hopeless. I am deciding if I should end it all or not

I jumped in front of a car

Things just got too overwhelming I didn’t know what I was doing, I just threw myself into the road, car hit me then I went unconscious. Woke up hours later in the resus bay. Witnesses told police and paramedics I jumped but I denied it because I was afraid to see the psych team. I don’t know what I’m even doing anymore. I feel so ashamed and selfish for doing that to the driver. It seems like everything builds up for months then I go and do something stupid like this. I’m home but in so much pain and have a head injury and fractured leg. I’m stupid. Already on a therapy waiting list and on meds so I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know how to cope I keep crying and panicking when I think about the car. I’m so lost.

My journaling turned into a suicide letter

I have been trying to journal and I realized that my journal entry is more like a suicide letter. And I feel at peace with that idea. I have sunk so far into a hole - that I feel this is the way out. Im so stuck in my own head, that I need relief. I think my friends rather see me dead than dealing with me and my family has new grandkids to distract with. While wrong this - I have felt at peace. Truly believe this is the way to go and the way out. While I know friends will feel bad for a short time. I believe my closer friends will be secretly happy. Here’s to my family, and every single one of you that made me life bearable until couldn’t take it anymore. I won’t give names here but you know who you are that my lide brighter while you were here. Now you can be freer without me

Help

Hey, I need help currently I’ve been witnessing some fucked up shit! I lost my Girlfriend of Two and a half years, I’ve been fighting with my Family Constantly and had to listen to stuff like „You know what we should’ve smacked you to death as a kid that would of made things easier for us!“ or „Go and never come back you are not worth our time“ from my own mother. I know I know it sounds hard but to be honest I am getting used to it, I mean hey I am 19 years old now and I am a men now! But deep inside I’ve never been happy, I’ve constantly thought about doing stupid stuff to myself, and how much of a weight I am for others in my family. Well and now the men that raised me and loved me like no one ever did is getting dementia…my grandpa my role model my hero my life saver. I’ve never had a Dad my mom and him divorced years ago, so I had to grow up with her (it wasn’t the easiest time). Well haha now I am falling in this deep deep hole again that my grandpa managed to get me out of. And I don’t know what to do because I have nobody. And since my post are always getting deleted it and never seen I still wish you the best of luck in life to who ever sees it. See you on the other side! -Harry

Just confused

One of my closest friends recently sat me down to commit to improving my depression, which I get. Things were okay. 4 days later he told me we talk too much, but everything is okay. When I asked why the sudden shift in communication. Often my friend would be the one to initiate the conversation, call me first or text me first. It was mutual. We both texted random crap throughout the day. As I don’t believe I lost a friend, how do I proceed? Do I give space for a few days and see how things play out? Do I say sorry? It’s bugging me of how to fix things.

I need help….

I’m really struggling today. My normal coping techniques (getting outside, watching a favorite show, etc) aren’t working. Weekends are always tough for me. But it’s now October and my late Mom’s birthday is in two weeks. I was her caregiver. She would’ve been 65. Qualifying for Medicare and we could’ve gotten so much more help for her paraplegia. And since she was a teacher (i.e. state worker) she didn’t qualify for disability or other help. Thanks for nothing for her 25 years of service huh? Regardless, it’s bothering me more as this is the year her life would’ve gotten easier (and mine) and she’s not here to enjoy that. I would’ve been helping her with her new paperwork, enjoying the research, etc. Add on to that, I took a new job in April, and while good, it’s a big change. I then lost my dog (which was Mom’s as well) in June so I’m now alone. I’m single as my caregiving responsibilities didn’t give me a lot of dating time or opportunity. Nothing much excites me anymore. My music has fallen to the wayside. I can’t enjoy playing a video game. And trying to lose weight (for health) during all this is just added stress. Ive never been a quitter, pretty ambitious guy. Not anymore. It took a year to get past my Moms death. But now losing our dog is like losing her all over again. Add in pandemic stress on that and there you have it. I’ve had some really dark times here as of late. Just need to talk and some nonjudgmental help.

Feels like I have to get high just to feel anything anymore.

I feel so lost and alone. I got broke up with by someone I love so so deeply and felt so happy and safe with and ever since then I've just descended into a deep depression and I don't know what to do. I'm stuck at home, mostly in my bed cause I got injured. I can't feel happy anymore it seems. My antidepressants stopped doing anything and it's just crippling sadness and pain and I've started contemplating suicide and self harming again. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I started smoking and it helped some, but not as much as I need it to. I've tried so much and it just doesn't help. I just don't know what to do anymore.

This is too long and no one likes reading long shit but I just can’t take it anymore idk what to do

Today I woke up to the sound of my neighbours bellow me screaming, arguing and slamming shit. It’s been happening more often lately, especially on the weekends. I have ptsd, bpd, & severe GAD & depression. I moved out of my parents 4 years ago to escape a toxic home. I was raised in a family who always screams at each other, constant bickering, slamming shit and breaking furniture. I have grown severe mental issues because of my childhood and flinch easily at loud noises. I live in a very old apartment building in a rough part of town because it’s all I can afford. Covid robbed me of my dream job & all friendships, so I have been a loser sitting at home playing video games all day to escape reality while living off EI. I’m pretty sure my benefits just ended today, idk, I’ve been too scared to look. I’ve saved up 3 months worth of rent and I’m too scared to spend any money because I don’t want to get a job because I’m too adhd for university and couldn’t pick a career for the life of me. Now I’m a jobless loser with 0 ambition to be a wage slave. I am stuck living in this apartment that *used* to be the nicer part of the shit area. Well thanks to covid, my rental management accepts anyone & everyone to keep rooms filled so now there’s lots of crackheads and sketchy people who live here. The lobby is always filled with garbage now, homeless peoples bikes and garbage bags parked INSIDE the lobby while they buy crack from suite 18 bc they marked in the elevator. Oh there’s now crackheads spraying grafiti on the inside of the elevator door too. I am living in a shithole, but this is what I get for being a useless loser living in poverty. The walls and floors are paper thin so I awoke to the couple beneath me screaming and slamming. I left the apartment at 10 am to escape the incoming panic attack I would have if I listened to it any longer. I come back at 2pm praying they would be done, but nope. Still screaming at each other. I am broke and cannot afford a lot of furniture so I hear EVERYTHING. They always slam shit so hard it shakes my floors and triggers my ptsd very badly, I think the person is getting abused downstairs so I had enough and finally called the police on them to file a domestic abuses complaint. I packed up my ps4 and let the cops in as I made my way out. I’ve resorted to going to my parents on the weekends to avoid their slamming and fighting. I’m so sick of living in a shithole and being forced to stay away from home every fucking weekend. I miss my poor cat who is my lifeline, I don’t like having to leave her alone. But if I stay it triggers my manic depressive BPD and I’ll just lay in silence fixating on the thumping and arguing while I contemplate suicide bc I hate my fucking situation. No one will probably read this because it’s so long, but I’m tired of being poor. I’m tired of having noisy abuso e neighbours triggering my BPD by slamming shit shaking my floors every fucking day. I’m scared of going back to my apartment tomorrow because even though the cops came, nothing will change. I still live in a shithole and a never ending nightmare of being woke up to slamming. I’m tired of careless people. A couple weeks ago they triggered a BPD episode to the point where I punched a hole in the wall. They love to blast music and movies with their big ass bass that shakes my floors. I wrote a letter to them begging them to stop. Nothing changed. The rental company will do nothing as always. Or they’ll kick them out so crackheads will move in. No where feels safe anymore. I miss my poor baby cat who is alone at home now. Im scared to go back to my apartment tomorrow because they’ll probably just keep slamming shit. I CSNT afford to move to a new place. I can’t find a job. I am currently on risperidone (antipsychotic) at night time so I’m calm now, but during the day my mind is hell. My antidepressants don’t work and my doctors refuse to switch my to different ones. CBT works for a day or 2, but I’m back to a negative mindset when I have to deal with this shit at home 24/7. If someone manages to read this all and can give advice … thank you. But I truly see suicide as the only way out of this shit life. Im tired of suffering bc other ppl are careless. Im terrified to go home tomorrow and be back to being alone with my horrible thoughts as my floors shake bc my neighbours will probably be fighting AGAIN. I just want it to be over. I wish I could just get it over with and kill myself. Im all alone, suffering always. To the 0 ppl who read this novel, thanks. Maybe it will be the last I ever post, I just want to die. I don’t think I’m ever escaping this hell.

I suffer from persistent depression and my GF wants to leave me.

I \[39M\] suffer from persistent depression. Even as a kid I've been depressed, bullied and have felt unloved and flawed due to a difficult upbringing and undiagnosed ADHD. I suffered from this well into my adulthood. Feeling broken and flawed. About three years ago I got diagnosed with ADHD and being in a bad situation with work and a bad breakup after a very long relationship led to depression diagnosis. I got CBT and was put on ADHD meds that helped out a bunch with my ADHD. Now on to my current situation and my reason for this post: About 2,5 years ago I met this great girl and we hit it of in a long distance relationship. She's loving, positive and very helpful. She can be short tempered though and has some insecurities. Unfortunately my work situation went from bad to worse and I just couldnt do it anymore. I got help and this led to some more help from a shrink but I was put on hold for almost two years now and I never felt so lonely, sad and depressed. Also the Covid19 pandemic did not help things either. Right now I am seeing another shrink and a psychiatrist that is helping me out with my ADHD meds. At this moment I am so tired and feel like I can not enjoy things anymore. I feel resentful and frustrated. Obviously I am in a bad place and this unfortunately damaged my relationship and my sweet girlfriend. I noticed her pulling away from me, getting frustrated with me and or irritated. At times I've gotten the silent treatment. Sometimes I acted out in a way that hurt her in stressful situations or moments where I felt like I've failled. Like forgetting important things, not doing something or being late (again and again). She got mad or gave me the silent treatment. My anxiety got the better of me. Offcourse we talked, and that was difficult at times. I felt sad, misunderstood and she made it clear that she felt talking about it was a bad thing. Last night she told me she did not see a future for us in that way. My sombreness, some of my anxiety fueled behaviour and display of a victim mentality hurt her and have crossed certain boundaries. She meant to tell me this before, even left some breadcrumbs via text. I only noticed her pulling away, losing interest or giving me the silent treatment. I could have guessed this was on her mind but maybe I was to scared to have a talk. I feel sad that she has been dealing with this for a while and how difficult that must have been. She told me that she'd given me the benefit of the doubt a couple of weeks ago but never mentioned this to me like so. I do feel her way of going about this, her communication could have been better. But then again this must have been difficult and she told me that it felt like abandoning me. I am so caught up in my current mental state that I have trouble going about things. Like litterarly doing anything some days or going somewhere (on time) is hard, and I hate that! Dealing with my thoughts, anxiety and all that other crap made lose myself my self worth and the man I wanted to be. But i've crossed her boundaries and I completely understand why she did not want this situation anymore. She told me she still loves me and does not want to give up on me. She recognises this is my situation and that I am not the guy she fell in love with right now. She needs some time to find herself and I need to get a grip on my situation.. I want to improve my communication and our communication. I want to manage my outbursts better. I want to manage my anxiety better. I want to regain my self confidence and self worth. I want to stop this victim mentality, I hate it! I want to regain trust and to reconnect. I could really use some advice and would love to have your input or experiences. TL:DR Dealing with a bad depression episode that changed us and my relationship. She can not take things anymore and wants out, how can I improve things?

I'm not even studying. I'm so tired and miserable all the time

I haven't been studying for a few weeks and I have a Mathematical Physics tomorrow and Quantum Mechanics on Tuesday. I keep procrastinating all the time. I just watch pointless stuff on YouTube and browse memes on Reddit all day. I have terrible sleep hygiene and can't get out of bed by 10 AM. I feel lethargic and miserable all the time. I'm on medication for anxiety and depression. Somehow just can't settle down at my desk to study. ​ Someone please say something. Help me. Do any little thing you can

(TW: Suicide) I can’t stop thinking about my suicide attempt

I attempted suicide earlier this year, and I can’t stop thinking about it even though it was a while ago. I overdosed the day before my dads birthday (I wasn’t thinking about the fact that his birthday was tomorrow) and was sent to the hospital at about 1am on his birthday (my friend forced me to tell my dad what I did when I tried to vent to her about how much pain I was in otherwise she’d call 911. I’m glad she did). On the way to the hospital, my dad yelled at me for ruining his birthday and told me I’m selfish and stuff for attempting suicide. He told me later that he did that because he was scared and didn’t know how to react, but I still feel awful for ruining his birthday. He spent his birthday in a hospital with me. I can‘t stop thinking about being in the hospital and the mental hospital. It was horrible. Memories keep coming back to me and it makes it hard to sleep or focus. What should I do?

I don't want to talk to new people, and it's ruining my life.

A few months ago, I tried to talk to new people at my school. Every time I did, however, I felt drained and unsatisfied with the conversation. This later progressed into actively avoiding social situations with people I didn't know. I don't have many friends in the first place and I have hopes of finding a romantic relationship with a girl, but now I absolutely hate talking to people I don't know. Maybe I didn't talk to the right people, but I feel like it's something more. I don't get very anxious in social situations, so I don't think it could be social anxiety. I would like some tips on how to socialize with new people, or maybe a reason why I desperately don't want to talk to unknown people.

Running out of options

At 30 ywars old, I've been on a total of 8 anti-depressants and anxiety meds since I was 14. A lot of things work for a while and then just...don't anymore. I've been telling my psychiatrist that my current meds work fine, because the last thing I tried had horrible side effects and I didn't want to go through more of that again. In truth, I'm not doing well. My depression is very much chemical and not situational. I feel like crying all the time for straight up no reason. I feel like...how much more can I try? Is the rest of my life going to be just a cycle of medications until there's nothing left? Does anyone else feel this? Have you found other things to try?

Any advice on working full time with depression?

I’ve had a job pretty consistently since I was 15, I’m now 27. I’ve always worked part time because it made it easier to manage my mental health. I’m now in pretty desperate need of a good job and I’m willing to do full time, I’m just very nervous about getting burnt out fast with the typical 40 hour work week. I know so many people with mental health problems manage to do it, and I would love some advice.

Help

Everything’s been piling up, it’s just one bad news after another. I’m trying my best to fight and hold on, but I can’t anymore, I’m tired of everyday being a literal fight for my life… I’m so tired, I want to keep going but I just can’t emotionally, mentally, physically… I’ve done everything I can to help myself from therapy to taking meds but I’m still like this constantly trying to force myself to keep staying alive, I’m so tired. Everything’s been going downhill no matter how hard I try to fix my life to make myself better but I just feel like am being shoved down the pavement every time I try to get up… please help me, I’m so tired.

I am feeling hopeless

So,it all started last day after i actually felt depressed and hopeless for the 1st time cuz i haven't felt "hopelessness" Along with depression at the same moment, I made a post regarding it on r/depression but the community itself seemed dead. No response on that... Fortunately for an hour becuz of my mum ,I felt good cuz she brought ice cream which made that hr of my day better. But it doesn't lasted long after i went to bed while i was searching for some content from which I'll get inspiration/tips to get outta my low feeling... I literally BURSTED INTO TEARS which hasn't happened before. I didn't saw that I'm being depressed from past a month i was trying hard to keep myself engaged in activities but IG it all was accumulating and now it's overflowing by breaking walls of the dam which was holding it! It may hamper my mind! Idk how to stop it from interference it into my studies, health and my parents too cuz they'll be much more tensed after knowing this. If you really have something which you can do for me then thank you, i mean thank you 'A LOT'.

Am I Disabled Enough?

So it sounds like a joke but this is a true anxiety. My story without getting into it because its not the point just so you understand where I'm from. Warning for all kinds of trauma. I live in Australia and I grew up in an abusive house. Mum would verbally attack my dad and the kids, he'd get drunk and beat her in front of us and around and around we go. Mum finally left him for good when I was 8 because my eldest sister turned fourteen and declared she wasn't going back and would keep me and my other sister with her at the halfway house. So mum got a government funded house and took off in search of a good time and a new husband leaving my two older sisters to raise me. they were 14 and 12 to my 8 at the time. Left alone days at a time, my sisters pulled cash in hand work to feed us. My dad got visiting rights so when we went over there we were fed and clothed and he spoilt us rotten especially me but in unhealthy amounts. eventually my sisters stopped going but I loved it because there I could stay up as late as I want never bathe eat myself sick on junk and watch whatever adult tv I wanted. All I had to do was agree mum was a B\*tch and leave dad alone to do whatever he wanted. meanwhile at mums place she found a miner to latch too with three kids of his own. so now we were six kids between 14-3 being left alone days at a time and sharing one room. two years later my elder sisters ran away, my father cut contact as it was too much to deal with my mother trying to see me (which i learnt to forgive him as an adult but as a kid it hurt) and we were in a slightly bigger house. it was me and my step sister in one room, my two step brothers in another and my parents in the last. again, my mother was not present, either sleeping, or out socialising or gambling or in the shed smoking. my dad either worked or joined her. Now I was the caretaker. Needless to say various abuse emotional verbal occasionally physical and by my teens I'm pretty messed up. I latch onto my own escape in the form of my high school boyfriend. I'm eighteen, 140 kilos and move out of the room I share with my sister into a unit with my boyfriend who, you probably guessed it, was abusive. over time he conditioned me to stay away from technology but the tv and Xbox, cut what few friends I had out, only family I could really see without some sort of manipulative guilt trip was my mother because she'd drive me straight into his arms. He had control of everything, finances, time, everything. so now I'm twenty three, married and pregnant with my first child. completely isolated and dependant. Police come a-knocking when I'm two months from birth and low and behold turns out my guy isn't a great fella. He had child exploitation on his Pc and planned to harm my daughter once she was born, sending photos and ultrasounds to prove intent. Oh but don't worry cause mummy was there to pick me up. I escape her when I'm 24 and bubs nine months old for my own house but i don't fully shake her free until two years after that. Obviously as from all the above, I am not a mentally stable person. For my daughter I start to try and sort myself out. until my daughter is five, I took those years to do some inward looking and healing. I go to therapy, I find a antidepressant that works, I clip out the bad and keep only those positive influences. I have Depression, anxiety and PTSD. I have a medical diagnosis of only the Depression so far but the others are being worked on in therapy. When my kid is five i start dating and just before she's six I meet a wonderful guy who really IS wonderful! (I made my therapist check. He is very understanding of my trust issues and agreed to sit with me on sessions) Now to the disabled part. currently, I am 30 with a seven year old girl and a eight month old girl. I'm in a stable relationship with a solid partner. Due to Covid and rising Rents, we were forced to move in with his parents and His sister who live with his grandparents. So yeah four generations, nine people. one house. We live in a room with my two daughters. Due to Covid and being a lifeguard during this time, my partner lost his job at the pool. So there is no employment. Both of us have been job seeking, him about a year and me since bub was weaned. We've also been rental searching but there's just nothing in our price range and those that ARE don't want an unemployed family. I have nightmares, PTSD flashes (for me that's flashes of rage that make me barely restrain the urge to hurt myself or very occasionally other people. Or flashes of devastation that take me out by causing hysterical sobbing and emotional pain) Panic attacks and depressive numbness that could last for days where I struggle to care about anything at all even my beautiful kids. I'm try, he's trying and we are drowning while my depression uses the situation to become even worse. So finally I've decided enough is enough. I'm going to the doctor to talk about options for disability and what services can help. so finally we come to the point of this post. Am I disabled? because as silly as it sounds reading this as if it were someone else I'd think 'yes of course' but because its ME my brain keeps saying that I'm being a fool. Ill be cast out of the doctors office and banned from Centrelink and lose everything if I try. I feel greedy and stupid and mean and lazy even thinking about applying. Anyone got a similar story or any idea if I'm even eligible? I swear I don't want to sit on benefits and drain resources, I just want some help getting a job that won't put me in a hospital or the ground due to my condition and maybe some help getting a place so I'm not boxed in. I feel like I'm going mad beating myself to death against the bars of a cage.

How do i regain any Hope for a better future?

Hello there! Ive had severe depression and suicidal thoughts for 6 years now and until recently still had some Hope. For context my mother severely neglected me, emotionally and phisicaly still abuses me. (Im small 16f) I feel so bad and powerless. Although im not diagnosed every mental health prof ive talked to sat i show symptoms od ptsd. I feel like a ragdoll, powerless and at everyones and thins mercy. I cant move out because od my financial situation. I almost commit suicide yesterday but the bridge i wanted to well use to gain acceleration was closed for maintnance and i chose to just go home and sleep. I just dont think there is any other way out od this

Help. Depressed husband. How to best support and love?

Hi! I believe my husband is depressed but not completely admitting to it yet. We have been together 14 years and have children together. I love him dearly. His depression has manifested itself in pushing me away, anger and hostility towards me, I believe as a defense from trauma in his childhood that has been re-triggered in the past few years. I am basically his scapegoat for everything wrong in his life. He also is distant, wont talk, and uses TV and books as an escape (which are at thankfully healthy) but spends considerable time in them. I would love ANY solid advice on how to navigate this. How can I best love him through this? Especially if his instinct right now is to push me away. Any “do’s or don’ts?” Can I leave affirmations / encouragement for him in the form of notes? This is killing me slowly inside. I miss my friend. He is such a fantastic guy and I feel as if he has been swallowed by a dark cloud. Also to note we are in the beginnings of couples counseling. Thanks again for advice. Especially if you have been that husband and come out healed on the other side.

Nothing feels good

22M…. Literally nothing feels good. I spend my day solving tediously difficult problems with little resources and poor instructions. Hours of frustration. Eating is just another chore that doesn’t bring any joy, unless I eat bullshitjj foods in which case again it will make me feel even worse than the little pleasure it brought me. Masturbating is basically a desperation attempt for something to feel good but honestly its just lack luster, there is no real desire. And if I watch porn it will feel good, but I don’t because porn will make me feel even worse after. There is no emotional support from anyone, no one cares about a young mans feelings. Finishing at the gym makes me feel a little good, but its fucking exhausting and the energy and effort I put into it feels as shitty if not more so than the little dopamine I get after. I think this is where my problems with women come in. I want them badly, because sex with women feels awesome. Having a woman around is validating and feels awesome. Cuddling feels awesome. It feels like a woman is the only thing that can bring good feeling into my life without having an immediate and often worse downside. And I know this is problematic thinking. Everything just feels shit. And everything that feels good will make you pay.

I'm about to cry

Hi im writing this from my art school's bathroom (sorry for bad english). I always struggle with low self esteem, i was bullied at school, made fun because of my appearance,etc. I feel like i'm a shitty artist when i see my classmate's work or i feel like i am not smart or feel like people think i'm dumb. I've been having gender dysphoria this past few years and i don't know what i want; i never liked being so masculine, i hate my body hair. I always dreamed to be more affeminate and androgynous, but i don't know if i really want to be a full woman. I never had a girlfriend (which is one the reasons why usually y feel like i'm ugly),i want to have one cause i feel lonely sometimes. I procastinate a lot and i feel anxious when thinking about my future (i have OCD and Tourette) cause i think i'm not going to succeed. So basically i am super insecure, i don't have much self esteem, i feel like i don't have any talent, no chance in getting a partner; feel like i'm ugly, and failure and i can't stop worrying about what others think or about irritating others or being shitty with them. Please i apologise for any grammatical error, i have to go back to class.

my son is making me depressed

Over the last couple months I've been catching him staring at my chest or peeking in on me while I'm getting dressed. It's been happening for about 2 months now. He doesn't have a father because he unfortunately passed away a long time ago and I've been the only one raising him. Recently hes been putting his hands on my breasts during the day. And I've recently put a camera in my room and found out that he makes out with me in my sleep and rolls me ontop of him to touch me. I want it to stop but I'm not sure how to confront him.

vent/someone to talk to

I am so alone. Every waking moment I wonder why I even keep going. I feel like I’ve exhausted all my friends which are all long distance now my boyfriend doesn’t even care anymore. I know I’m not easy to deal with and I wish I was. But I was there for everyone when they needed me. Through the mental abuse, through the ghosting phases, through the only calling me if they need me phases. I feel so alone. I don’t have a purpose. I’m unemployed and useless I contribute nothing. I can’t get a job I can’t find a purpose. Nobody even feels bad when they hurt me. I genuinely feel as though I am just waiting for it all to end. I don’t want to hurt myself but sometimes I think about it. I just need someone to tell me it will be okay. Please tell me it gets better. I’m so tired of feeling like a useless sack of shit.

Im so confused on what to do.

I cant let myself be depressed because it will make my gf more depressed. Ik everyone says make sure to take care of yourself but I honestly dont care about taking care of me, at least not while she is going through it as bad as she is now, but at the same time my efforts are wasted. Things aren’t getting better only worse. She was ranting the other day and I actually did stop and tell her I couldn’t mentally handle it and it upset her and i feel like i cant fix myself yet because im trying to help her but its not helping her so its just a big ol depression loop. I want to take time for me but cant because i want to take care of her more. I hate that i want to help so bad.

An entire bottle of Clonazolam

I took it last night. On purpose. Because I can't take anymore. All it did was make me tired. I was slapping myself in the face this morning yelling "get up you dumb bitch!" My family isn't here for me. I've been through hell throughout my whole life, especially this past year has been horrific. I don't know how much more I can keep forcing myself to act normal. I can't even take my sick days at work because they were all used up when I was in the hospital this year and almost died. I am at my wits end.

Rant I guess

25M bartender with coworkers telling me constantly that I'm the backbone of the personality at my restaurant... my guests tell me I have a fantastic personality, and the reason they come in... yet, I'm sitting in my bed on my day off taking shots with a gun next to me wanting to end it all... no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to make my life better I end up here every time since middle school... Why? I'm so tired... like am I missing something in life?! Why am I even here?!?! I haven't even looked myself in the mirror for days. I HATE myself... my dad is a fucking therapist. I know the basic shit of self care, yet, I'm here. Fucking hell... idk where to go or what to do. I want to get better. I don't want to end my life because of my family and friends, I don't want to hurt them by offing myself but I'm so fucking done... but at the same time, no matter how hard I try I end up here every time... why live life like this? If fucking hurts more than it's pleasurable.

Medication mood drops

Hi, I've been on two medications for a short time. Clomipramine for my depression and Methylphenidate (commonly known as ritalin) for ADHD. While I have noticed and upturn in my general mood, it seems to drop throughout the day at regular times. Before 10am, I'm actually quite good and productive. By 11, I can feel a real drop in my mood. By 1pm I'm completely gone and miserable for the rest of the day. Basically I'm just wondering if others have experienced this kind of mood drop when put on meds. I feel it must be a positive in the sense that I have a decent mood in the morning but I hate how quick it drops off. Any tips? I've told my doctor and I'm not after real medical advice. Just asking if anyone else has experienced this and whether it got better.

does anyone else only have bad days?

most depressed people have ups and downs, good days and bad days. I only have downs and bad days. I haven’t experienced any periods where I felt ‘normal’ or ‘okay’ in at least 2 years. before that I was severely depressed too but I’d still have some good days every now and then. but now I’m never at peace, I never enjoy anything, I never feel well. is anyone else unlucky enough to feel suicidal all day every day or am I just not meant for this world anymore?? maybe it really is my time to go

My bf have suicidal thoughs recently

Frankly I don't know what to do. Today after a pretty regular day he just started to message me telling me that's he's mood was down. Then he told me he has been planning on taking his life. I try to tell him a lot of people love him, he has a lot of things to do (24yo) and everything can be fixed. He keeps telling me that no one can help him or that it can't be fixed. He just told me he don't want me to suffer. I told him that I love him and this is not the way to fix it, I will talk to him tomorrow in person. All of this happened before I leave home and went to my house. I wish this is just a depressed moment. I will stay with him and try to change his mind. I'm so anxious rn How I can help this amazing man who doesn't want help?

Do people actually care?

Sorry for the title, but it really is the best way to put it. Everyone says they care about me, want me to live, to message them if I ever feel like doing it. But I've noticed a pattern, those same people talk about me behind my back, those same people often want me alive, but not necessarily around. My question is this, am I right to think that people as a whole are a lot more fake and cold than they're willing to admit? Because I see a lot of words being said but I've yet to meet someone who I actually believe cares. This post may seem self centered but I ask it out of frustration, I try my best to fight through it, for others. To be there for others. To care for others. Yet I struggle to find evidence of reciprocation besides empty words. The only reason I'm alive today is because I promised I wouldn't hurt those around me by doing it, but I'm feeling like they wouldn't actually care? And I'd appreciate honest answers because I don't want to be alive for people who don't care anyways.

My problems

So my hate is even getting worse to be honest I just hate my friends and everyone. I regret ever meet them to be honest even tho I don't want to think like this. They did nothing wrong I just have deep hate and it's annoying it repeats in my head and I want to punch something really bad but I hold it back. Man I am just completely sad like I really am sad man I don't do shit I like anymore I want to find something to numb the pain and I want to hurt my self with something man just don't know what tho. All this verbal abuse shit that I still goes on in my life made me think about love completely different then anyone to be honest I will probably not even ask anyone out to be honest just might not even going to try. Anyone that trys to be nice to me I tend to say thank you but in reality I doubt myself I don't think anyone likes me even my own parents I just don't trust much feelings anymore just does not even matter to me I see it as a joke to be honest. I am probably going back to my really bad phase of depression I think happen in 9th grade even thought of killing myself even if I go back to that phase I won't kill myself Only two of my friends knows this will probably tell them about this shit sooner or later idk

I'm done,

Oi, im Ron a 17 year living in brazil attending the 2° grade in high school and I've reached a point in my life where I want to give up everything. Imma introvert teen with no friends, broke, weird and useless So i will try to explain exactly my situation Everyday i go to school and i see the girl i like with someone better than me i wonder wtf its wrong with me and why i can't have any type of relationship, i spent 3 months talking to this girl until she tell me she only see me as a friend. And that's not the first time In my life I've been close with 3 girls which I've really come close to relating to have something And they always tell me dat... Even though they say they want to be my friends they actually become people i used to know And when the thing is having friendships thats just something I don't have I see everybody having a group of friends hanging out having fun while all i have is nothing About my family and financial situation is even worst I've been 3 weeks out the school working illegally 8 hours before i get fired (probably i got scammed and at this point i dont have nothing else to do) at some day i look myself at mirror and start wondering why i was live in such a situation it ain't right for a teen be living like that i was dreaming with school dreaming with study and when classes are over I go out with friends to eat something smoke cigrettes talk about life, dreaming with a date and stuff. But now im back to school and i feel like a zombie there In this week im moving to a smaller house cuz my mom can't afford the place i am rn and all this stuff make me hate my country, and yeah the thing i most hate in this life it's this country i could be having a better life in anyplace and maybe its not worth immigrate somewhere by my shit nationality And about my physical situation i can say im handsome even though being very skinny and hating my body, all i wish was eating 5 times per day for gain weight and i can even start in gym cuz i can't pay for that So basically all This shit made me lose the will to live. Every day i think about killing myself. All i want its a real reason to live and to be happy All i want it's live and not survive

Step son quit working & refuses help

My stepson has some undiagnosed mental issues along with anxiety and depression. A couple months ago he lost his job because he wasn't showing up to work. I know he makes a few dollars here and there but I'm not sure how. He never leaves his house and he refuses any help man's mother offer him unless my wife just offers to give him cash. We have learned that he has been doing some sort of drugs off and on for several years. About a year and a half ago we had to spend a lot of money to get his house out of foreclosure because he hadn't been paying the bills. I know he isn't paid his mortgage and several months now so at some point they're going to foreclose on him and kick him out. I'm just not sure what to do. When he stays with us he argues with his mom Non-Stop if she even asks him to take a shower. He doesn't clean up after himself and when you goes to the bathroom he makes a huge mess. It's hard for me to even think about living with that. But if I tell her he can't stay here if he's not working or showering or cleaning up after himself, she just says that she's afraid he'll be homeless or kill himself. Any advice?

Unable to think clearly

Like the title says, I'm unable to think clearly. It's like the gears in my brain is covered with gunk and is just not moving smoothly. I've been getting decent sleep, but I'm tired regardless of how much sleep I get. Food is not an issue afaik. No alcohol in quite a while and I've reduced how much caffeinated soda or any soda I drink because I was addicted to it. I'm getting decent exercise too. But I just can't think well. Or concentrate for that matter. That's the one thing I've got, you know? My brain. Doing innovative things at work is one of the only things I'm proud of and that's letting me down. And I'm fucking nervous all the time. It's like there's something clutching me in my chest 24/7. I started therapy earlier this week. I'll express this in my next session, but if any of you have any suggestions, I'm open to it. Thanks, everyone. Have a great day

College student wondering if checking myself in to a hospital would be the best option— any advice? What was it like/how much did it cost financially?

Hi everyone, hoping I can get some advice on what to do in the next couple days. I’ve been seriously thinking of killing myself for about four/five months (definitely had suicidal thoughts before that for many many years, but I didn’t start thinking it though or planning anything out until now). I’m starting to finally feel like I’m reaching the end, lol. I genuinely believe that I do not have the capacity to harm myself in any way, significantly or even slightly. So I kind of feel like I’d be lying when I tell them I have “intent” that’s more than just thoughts, although I do have many plans I’m hoping I can go through with when I’ve finally reached my limit (so I’m afraid they won’t admit me anyways). I’m trying to weigh the pros/cons of trying to get myself admitted and so far I’ve only been able to come up with cons: My worries/concerns: * I have no idea how much a stay or checking myself in would cost. I believe that this worrying would leave me off a lot worse than I am now. * I’d also be worrying about what my friends/family are thinking while I’m gone and how I'm just causing them unnecessary stress (it'd be a shock for them as they don't know any of this) * I’d also be worrying about missing my classes/assignments/a midterm and how I would catch up afterward * I feel like I’d be generally miserable for however long I’m there * I think it might make me miserable enough to actually commit suicide after I leave, although I feel like I wouldn’t be able to effectively kill myself and then would have to go through the whole process of hospitalization over again. I just don’t see that many pro’s in checking myself in, but I don’t really know what else to do. Could anyone who’s gone through the process give some guidance? Thank you.

How can I force myself to do important things when I’m feeling like shit?

I (f,23) was extremely depressed for a very long time. I took meds, worked on myself, got better, but now I’m going downhill again. It fucking sucks because i have a lot of opportunities in front of me and I’m not working on anything because I’m simply feeling like shit. and idk how i can force myself to do those things even though ik that if i don’t do them ill be ruining my future. I just need some tips or anything that u thought helped u get shit done in hopes that it will get me to do the things that i have to do. Thank you and apologies for the language I’m just extremely frustrated.

don't want to feel like this anymore

I'm so tired of living through constant mental health issues! Everyone keeps saying it will get better and perhaps it does for a while, and then it gets worse all over again. I feel so trapped while everyone else is living their life to the fullest - moving out, travelling, having friends, just being happy - and I've had to drop out of university because I can't cope with my mental illnesses, and I haven't had an actual friend in quite some time. I have the best family, though they don't really understand mental illness, and they are all that holds me together and keeps me from giving up. But I still feel so alone, so isolated, so deeply unhappy with life. I want to believe that it will get better, but I am suffering so so much... any support much appreciated, I just want to feel that someone cares at all...

Does anyone else feel like the world is incredibly dark?

I’ve never been treated nicely by anyone. Even the kids that are more rejected by other kids are mean to me. I’ve never been mean to a single person in my life but i get treated like shit constantly. I don’t know why but when I was a kid I imagined the world was a place full of empathy but literally every single person I’ve met has been an unempathetic piece of shit. I’m in a friend group that’s so toxic it led one of the kids in our friend group to a suicide attempt with a gun but it ended up missing his brain (I imagine he got scaredd and moved it at the last second). And even AFTER he attempted and was in the hospital they continued to treat him like shit and told him he should’ve just gone through with it. Don’t worry, they also treat me like shit, I’m in a similar position to him and I can’t leave because I have no other friends. Not only that, but I treat the guy that attempted suicide with absolute kindness, I’ve never been mean to him which you’d expect him to be thankful for right? Nope, he actually treats me like shit more than the other kids and he even fought me a month ago simply because he hates me that much. And it’s not like I have a bad personality, I’m extremely funny in groups of people, like it’s not uncommon for me to have people tearing up cause they laugh so much, but everyone still hates me and treats me like dirt. I’m not exaggerating here, but when I imagine the world outside my bedroom I genuinely imagine darkness and madness everywhere. Imagine nightmare on elm street dreams where every house is empty or whatever and it’s always night outside and there’s just a feeling of terror. Also every person I talk to feels fake, conversation is impossible. I genuinely feel like I’m living in a make believe world at this point I’m scared as shit.

i think i have depression but i can’t seek medical help — need guidance

I’m not clinically diagnosed, and can’t get a proper diagnosis or medication. I’m under my parents insurance plan and there is a stigma within my family and culture about mental health. I struggle with body image issues that got a lot worst since the pandemic. I can’t ever focus with my school work any more. I have no motivation to do any of my work (but I still do it), it’s hard waking up. I’m constantly in bed when I should be working out or doing my school work. I feel numb pretty much everyday. I don’t have suicidal thoughts but I just don’t have the “motivation to live” or to do anything that would help my life. What can I do? I can’t constantly feel like this, and I can’t get behind in school, I need advice/help.

I’ve been defeated by everything

I’m treated like shit by the “friends” I have, literally people I don’t even know will treat me like shit and give me a “you’re not good looking enough or cool to be talking to me” attitude if I try to interact with anybody, and I’m the most socially awkward person I or any other person I know has ever seen. I have no one to help me either because my parents get mad at me for showing and signs of distress. My dad does will ignore me and give me the silent treatment and give me angry eyes if I ever tell my parents I’m depressed. My mom will start screaming at me about how me being depressed makes her stressed out and how I don’t even try to make friends but I do. She’ll give me suggestions on how to make friends but I’ve tried literally every single one she’s given me, and when I tell her that I’m simply suffering from a lack of social skills she’ll scream about how it’s actually that I look like a “freak” and a “weirdo” and that no one would ever want to approach me anyway. And it’s not like I’m a bad son, I’m actually better than most teenagers because I have straight A’s and because I have no supportive friend group that would invite me to things I don’t drink or do drugs or have sex. I genuinely feel like the society around me has gone insane (at least the place I live has). I don’t “think” I’ve given up I have given up, like I’m going to kill myself either tonight or tomorrow. I’ve started self harming again and my I already know how to get my dad’s gun to get it over with.

please help.

i am a 15 year old male at 5’5 and weighing at around 90lbs. idk if i have an eating disorder or depression, but i always starve myself for days when im feeling really down. i have my moments where i want to change my life for the better, which is usually after these moments of starvation end, but ive never been consistent due to the fact that i end up starving myself over and over again. i realized i do this because i want to die. i starve myself until i cant take it anymore and im forced to eat by a friend or parent. im not sure what to do. this endless cycle of sadness feels so tiring i want to just end everything. my self esteem is so low and i have nothing to look forward to. i ask for some advice to make at least something easier. thank you.

How do I feel human again?

For the longest time I have had the issue of feeling like a subhuman or a tool meant to have specific purposes, I have been struggling for the longest time with trying to accept I'm a person too and deserve to be treated as such, that I'm deserving of love, or to stop putting the needs of others before mine. I won't go into details about what originated this, because frankly no one wants to read Infinite Jest lengths of backstory, but I'd like, if anyone can relate, to get some tips on how to "ground" myself again because I'm feeling really, really disconnected from myself lately, even more so than usual, and it's very hard to just go thru the motions to maintain the illusion of just being a normal, functional person (which I do more for the sake of others than mine tbh). I fear that I'll be exposed as a subhuman and be further alienated from others if I can't keep up the façade and I don't have the time or energy to move elsewhere again to start anew for the nth time. Btw I don't think that tips suggesting hanging with friends or family will work since I'm essentially an immigrant all alone in a country other than for his bf, so I don't really have a "safety net" in a traditional sense (and don't want to burden my partner further). I just need a healthier way to cope than drinking it overworking before I break. Please, help me.

my “celeb obsession “ has triggered my depression& I know it’s pathetic but I need some support.

I feel like a loser writing this but I need help. I am 28 F which makes it more embarrassing. I’ve never had celebrity crushes until I was first diagnosed with clinical depression and I went into a rabbit hole. I’ve always had this old soul thing, where I’ve always had nostalgia for past decades, not only the aesthetic but thinking my life would be better in a different decade ( especially seeing the world with Covid ) I also deleted my social media 1 year ago Bc how bad it affect my mental state and only came on Reddit to get support. I got out of it, but a little background is I am a survivor of (childhood& adult sexual abuse) & never had a real relationship due to it. I was doing well mentally until I had to see my abuser (which is one of my family members) by accident by walking into a family event and not knowing they would be there. Fast forward to now I am 28F. I went to a concert. It was a 80s rock band. Being a rock and roll super fan I love as excited to see this band. They were amazing live & I’ve always had a crush on the young version of the guitarist. I’ve read his books and watched his interviews in the past. after the concert I found a way to stalk his Instagram & watch all his old interviews & old performances. Triggering my obsession. I’ve spent days watching it but realized it’s ruining me and the young version of him doesn’t even exist. He’s old and ugly now. I just became obsessed with the thought that if I was alive in the 80s I could of dated Him and be apart of the exciting life of rock n roll. I realized I’m just seeking excitement and validation and nostalgia. I also feel I will never be in a relationship due to my past abuse. Knows this sounds pathetic but I’m here seeking support

How do I stop being victimized?

(sorry for my English, not English speaker) A friend asked me to send him a bike by a postal service. I was already with a lot of things in my head, i knew I had to wrap the bike, but couldnt find much cardboard. When I got to the place there was this dude that attended the postal service that i know from the start that just wanted to take advantage of me as people of low life/class usually do around here. I already was at a defensive state, and then he invented some extra fee for wrapping the bike. I knew what was going on. I played the fool and as i was too tired to get more cardboard, or wrap it, or have any trouble, i paid that illegal extra fee. But i felt really taken advantage of, and this guy also waved a knife around, so i would get intimidated. I was already intimidated just by being next to this low class douche that could get around with any shit he pulls, and i knew that for him i was just the next victim. (funny thing is that i try to not react bad to low class people, so they don't ger offended, but now I'm thinking this interaction was already spoiled by this low life thug, as the bad vibe i fell was all his act to take advantage of me). But i think that given all the options (I knew everything that was going on), i handled him the fee and this extra fee... But of course now I feel really bad, i hate imagining this dude celebrating that he scammed another dude with this shit. I was afraid that if i did otherwise this low class people would damage the bike or something like that... And the sad thing is that they may do that either way. But at the moment i was also afraid of the bike safety. I felt it was a burden to react and just complain, but now i felt this blame, i felt like a coward that succumb to this low class guy intimidation, and this guy taken advantage of me. When something like this happen i always say next time i don't even care if everything goes to hell. But then this happens i take this "solutions" but the regretted as i feel as a coward or a fool. It would ease my mind if I could find other cases or how to deal with this kind of situation where you feel helpless.

activities to feel something…?

i haven’t been able to walk since february, i have no job or friends. i so have hobbies, too many actually, because i end up getting burnt out on them really easily. it’s my favorite time of year and i keep feeling worse every single day. i can do basic hygiene and thats about it for my day… everyday. i just want to feel good from doing something, but my mind keeps blanking. what are your favorite things to do to feel good ( specially when it’s fall )? sorry if i posted this in the wrong place im new :(

I'm sick and I need help

I don't know who or what to say this too, but I'm terribly sick. I'm completely and utterly sad in every moment I'm not distracted. I have officially no motivation to succeed anymore. My mood swings are wild. I'll go from sorta sad or maybe content all the way down to deep grief of the life I'm watching go by. I need someone to talk to, professionally. I cannot afford a therapist. I'm 28 years old, single for ten years, no achievements. I'm languishing and I'm afraid of myself. What can I do to get help?

Physical pain when I am coding

Need help very much. I am an engineering graduate student and I have half a year to finish my thesis. I need coding. But unfortunately, I have been depressed? Or have psychological problems for several months. The problem is that when I am coding, I can feel hard to breathe. Sometimes when I face bugs in program I even have stomachaches or heartaches. I couldn’t focus on my thesis and it makes me slow in progress so I got warning on academics that I could probably be quitter from degree. Due to personal reasons and financial problems I can’t go to hospital or therapist. So I am wondering if there could be any self help advice. Thank you for reading.

I’m so scared I’m going to lose my job.

I’ve missed 2 days of work last week and I haven’t been in this week due to my anxiety and depression. Like I just am too tired and I have a wave of dread that hits me when I think about work. I have had 2 major panic attacks at work, & have been so scared of it happening again, that I’ve just slipped into a bad depressive episode. I’ve tried every morning to get up and go to work. My supervisors are aware of the situation but I’m still scared I’m going to lose my job

feeling burnt out lonely and ugly

I've been feeling extremely burnt out ugly and lonely recently I'm no stranger to feeling this but now I'm overwhelmed with feeling ugly and alone most of my friends have moved so I'm alone regularly the emptiness of loneliness in my life has become increasingly apparent seeing friends and others enjoying life and being alone in my room has been psychologically damaging to me I can't help but feel that I'm missing out I've been feeling pessimistic a lot my thoughts let me know that I'm not good enough for a relationship or friends daily it's difficult to not let my insecurities get to me my family are unreasonable and not supportive my anxiety has been affecting my social and work life I'm self conscious of my nose and how others perceive me so I keep to myself and I don't have close friends anymore so I typically enjoy my hobbies outdoors surrounded by scenery and natural sounds where I won't feel insecurities or inadequacies I know animals won't ridicule me I'm naturally an introvert but I sometimes wish I had a normal social life and could feel attractive.

Helping a friend with depression

Heyy there! I just found out that a very good online friend of mine suffers from depression and feeling down. Initally she just asked for advice regarding a crush of hers who already is in a relationship. When talking to her about it tho, she told me a few things that really got me worried. On the one hand, she feels understood by him. She feels like herself around him and like she doesn't have to fake her happiness. On the other hand, she admitted to sending him nudes, as he told her I'd be okay to send some from time to time and it could even be there 'hot little secret' Needless to say, I'm really worried now. I gave her the advice to stay away from him/stop contact with him and also came to an agreement, that her and I would look for a psychologist at the same time (so niether of us feels like a crazy person needing psychiatric help lol) Still, I'll continue to try and help her. I already thought about asking her how she feels (although it is incredibly hard for her to open up about her feelings), but also motivating her to go out or try something new or something. Just fyi: I never met her personally, she lives about two hours away. We do talk (jokingly) about meeting up some time soon tho, so maybe I'll see her soon. Do you have some more advice on how I could help her? Even if its just a small thing, any help is greatly appreciated!

Going from deep depression from sudden energy??

Hi everyone, Please tell me if anyone has had experience with this? So I have not been to work since last Tuesday. I have been a in a severe state of depression for days and days now. I've literally just stayed in bed and taken the kids to school (late ugh). I hadn't done really anything else. I've barely been sleeping.. like an hour here and a couple hours there. So that's means it's been about 7 full days. It was almost at the point where I was thinking about checking myself in somewhere to get help. But I woke up today .. and I just... cleaned... and cleaned.. and cleaned.. like the entire house. I just kept going like I had an I infinite amount of energy. Dishes, laundry, mop, swept, vacuumed, ect. I just kept going and going and going all day long. Like wtf is wrong me?! I'm so confused!!! I feel like I should be glad I'm up and about but instead I'm just sitting here like what the fuck is wrong with me??? Who goes from being severely depressed to getting up and cleaning the entire house?!

Going to come out and say I have depression

Hello people, I need help. Im going to admit more like confront my parents that I have been suffering from depression for 8/9 years now. The confrontation part because they played a huge part in it. I have thought it through seeing it from their perspective and have come to the right conclusion that they share a huge role in it. It is going to get ugly. The thing is if I dont say and make them realise how toxic they have been I will lose the chance to save myself, I get this only chance. Any advice on how to proceed.

Advice when dating someone with depression?

Hello everyone! I’m here to just ask some questions on what did some of y’all do to help your partners that suffer severe depression and anxiety. I’ve currently been talking to this person and we both hit it off right from the bat. I’m talking scarily accurate stuff that we have in common. This person then told me “since we are talking more frequently, I figured I’d let you know I suffer severe depression and anxiety. So it’s hard to keep in touch with people who have it and I understand if you don’t wanna be around.”(clearly warning me that our convos won’t be like this) Of course my answer was “I totally understand! Just know I’m always around if you wanna ear to listen to :)” So it’s been two months now and I know some of y’all would think “why are you so invested, go live your life” which I have been doing. But if it does work out and we do date for real. What advice can I do for me when im in this? This is just so im aware. In my eyes it’s clear we like each other, despite it only online. I’ve tried to see if I could do what my friends told me and it’s to try and meet other people. But none of them clicked like how it clicked with the person I’m talking to. They tell me she probably leading you on and I would simply say, “ well why would they send 8 min audios about what we’re talking about? Or literally offer to watch one of my fav Anime in theaters the next month? It’s her depression bro.” Overall I understand her position and I’m still living my life conquering my goals. But still in the back of my mind, if we do end up maybe being a thing. What would I do?

Today would’ve been Mom’s 65th birthday

After a couple of weeks of slightly improving mood and feeling, today has me right back where I started. Mom would’ve been 65 today. She and I were both looking forward to this because she would’ve qualified for Medicare today. And we could’ve finally gotten some help for some of her issues and some caregiving relief for me. Mom passed two years ago and I’ve never been quite ok since. It’s funny how stuff such as transferring her from her bed to her chair, bandaging wounds, and even cleaning up accidents is stuff you’d end up missing after they are gone. Just to have them back. All this is added to Mom and I’s dog, Harper, had to be put down in June for kidney failure. My last family. So, now it’s just me. The sole survivor of being a family caregiver for 13 years, to sift through memories upon memories by myself. And the weight of today is just a lot. And it’s really taxing my anxiety and just putting me back in grief and darkness. They should both still be here.

Am I really THAT bad?

- San Francisco Merola - Houston Grand opera - Chautauqua Opera - pensacola opera - Pittsburgh opera - Washington National - Wolf Trap - Palm Beach - Florida Grand Opera #…[ALL of them **REJECTED** me!](https://imgur.com/gallery/3M3xXRI) Was I really that bad? After 20 years of singing and study, was I really so bad that each and everyone of these companies decided to reject me? [No more empty compliments, was I honestly that bad of a singer that every company I applied for had to reject me?](https://youtu.be/HjnDEBoHPUA) Opera is the only thing in this miserable world that gives me any meaning to my life. I don’t want people to say life is supposed to be meaningless, I don’t want people to say that there will be a next time, And I don’t want people to reassure me of anything anymore. Rejecting me from each of these companies was somebody’s decision, and I want to know exactly why they made it against me! Was because they are doing diversity hiring and couldn’t fit a white person into their principal lineup? Was it because I’m a military veteran, and someone looked me up to make a stink about it? Was it because I have trouble getting social media followers? Was it because I’m autistic? **ANSWER ME GOD DAMNIT**! This isn’t about how I feel, this is about what these people are doing to me, and I want to know why they are doing it to me after I have earned my place! I have been living with depression, anxiety and tendencies for the last 15 years, trying to rebuild my life. People always say bull crap like don’t give up. Well I’ve brought back the latest result of not giving up! And I’m putting them out there so that the assholes who make those kind of lies can fix this! I’ve posted my audition results from every company to whom I’ve submitted this audition season, to show you that telling me not to give up isn’t changing their decision to reject me! I want a change in this! I want these companies to relay to me exactly why they rejected me so that I can improve, Or else I want them to change their decisions, So that “not giving up” becomes a reality for me as much as it does for anybody else you tell it to!!! Do you want my life to not be worthless? Do you want me to keep on going? Fix this for me! Somebody fix this!

Making the same mistake years later.

Hello, sorry for a long post. I'll try to keep it as short as possible. Thank you for whoever reads this. I'll start with events 4 years ago when it all started. I am 22 year old male. I used to work in a bar where I met a girl I instantly fell in love with . We got to know each other well, went on dates etc. She was everything I ever wished for. I'm from a small village and I have some good friends here. We were always considered to be the "bad guys" because we partied a lot etc. I never done drugs thought. She always assumed I do drugs and one day I decided to take some to impress her ( stupid I know) I guess to keep up with the bad guy reputation. Problem is, I fell in love with cocaine. And that's when my life went into a downwards spiral. I started taking cocaine for breakfast everyday. I turned it an angry mess, our relationship slowly got ruined. I was angry at her one day and tried sleeping with her best friend. I was nothing but a scumbag. I was a cheating, lying scumbag. I didn't see that at the time but now it's very clear for me to see. She deserved better than me After overdosing once, We broke up and she moved away. I decided I had enough and went sober. I went through some very rough time then. I was very deeply hurt and depressed. Day by day it got better. 4 years have passed and I still never fully got over her even when I was with other girls but I was living more or less fine. I don't really like this town but I have some great friends and reasonably good new job. Anyway, after all these years, last weekend I was out drinking with friends and I met an old friend who offered me a bag of cocaine for some reason i snapped back to my old habits and bought a bag. I knew she was back in town, later on I ended up at a house party where I got in to a very bad state with drugs and alcohol. And out of all the placed I could of met her again she walked in to the kitchen where I was dashing out lines of cocaine in a state where I could barely stand or speak. I tried telling her I wasn't the man I was when we first met, but of course she didn't believe it, why would she ? Somehow I managed to achieve some sort of success with her. We danced and kissed etc. But she's probably just lonely since coming back to town since most of her friends are gone away. We never had sex that night but I couldn't have sex even if I wanted to due to state I was in. I woke up next morning and all my feeling for her came back, all the love it took me years to forget, but I knew that it was over, it was just a one night thing. It crushed me. All these years breaking away from my habits wasted when it came down to a person it mattered. I was still the same lying drug addict in her eyes as I was 4 years ago. It's been a week and I feel empty, only emotion I have is constant hint of anger and sadness in me. I stopped eating or doing anything except working , I work 9-5 and then I go to my garage where I work on projects and drink alcohol until am I able to sleep. Maybe I am still the same scumbag I was 4 years ago. Iv been having suicidal thoughts but I know I can't do that since I need to look after my family. I would rather suffer myself then let my family suffer. At first I thought it was just a comedown from drugs since I haven't touched them in so long. But I still miss her more and more everyday. I have dreams about her at night where we are happy together. I messaged her a few times but she's always busy and takes a long time to reply. I'm just so lost, all these years to recover just to slip back into my old days when it mattered the most. She gave me an opportunity to fix what I once broke but instead I proceeded to ruin it further. Thank you to whoever reads this. I just wanted to get this of my chest or speak to someone anonymously.

Question about other conditions causing depression?

Hello! I'm new, so I hope this is ok to post. I've been dealing with depression for many years, but feel like I only was able to put a name to and call it that for the past 5 years. I feel like my depression makes me struggle with motivation and avoidant about certain things I have to do for work. Recently though I have been struggling to determine if my inability to do focused work is due to my depression or if I have underlying attention issues. Does anyone have advice or experience with this? Can't having attention issues (like ADHD) make you frustrated and as a result depressed if untreated? How can you tell them apart? I have also have a similar question about undiagnosed autism and social isolation. How can you tell them apart? Thank you for any insights!

Depressed International Student; need help

Hi, I'll try to explain my situation as best as I can and I will highly appreciate if you can read it completely. In any case, I'll try to summarize everything in a TLDR at the bottom. Thanks for your time. ​ I am an international student who is stuck overseas in my home country (India) due to COVID from the last one and half year. I am studying in a good university on a student loan which is huge. I come from a lower-middle class family and my parents can't even speak English. My parents have very conservative Indian mentality and it is impossible for them to understand my situation. Just after my high school, I was selected into very prestigious engineering colleges in India called IIT. I studied there for an year and got super depressed as I came to understand how the real life is. I decided to take a transfer to a very good university in Australia. I thought it would make me feel better but it did come with a hefty student loan. I was a kid I guess, I don't think there is anything that can make me feel better. I am currently in my last year and working towards writing my honours thesis. I have been pretty stressed about general life and how exactly I will repay my loan and live a normal life. I have tried applying to a lot of internships but I got more than 50 rejections already and I have no more motivation to apply anywhere now. I don't feel anything at all. The only reason why I study or do any work is to get high marks. That's it. Very recently (last month or two), I have been even slacking off in the study part. I have also started smoking cigarettes and doing marijuana edibles every other day. Every day, I wake up at 10 already tired and swearing about everything (in my mind, I live at my parent's home rn). I attend a few zoom group project meetings, staying silent mostly and trying to look like I did the minimal amount of work to not get thrown out of the group. Then I try to feel better, make a huge list of assignments coming up and write down how much is each of them worth. I start working on something and feel it is totally pointless. I start watching youtube or the office to feel a bit better and suddenly it is 6 pm. I think that it's already evening, maybe I should go out, get some fresh air. I go out, pickup a friend and smoke a cigarette or two (my friend doesn't smoke). While coming back, I feel the day is almost over and I am basically useless, nothing will change if I get high. I go and buy some marijuana edible (legal), eat it and go back home. I act like I am working while staying high, so my parents won't know. Many times, I just lie that I have a meeting and shut off my door, lie down and masturbate like twice or thrice in a day. As I get high, I also overeat and buy a lot of junk food and chocolates. Then, I spent the rest of the night till 2-3 am doing all this and watching office or Youtube. I feel totally exhausted and go to sleep. Then, I wake up next day exhausted at 10 and the cycle goes on. I also feel pretty dumb as I have almost no progress on my thesis. My professor thinks that I am smart but I am not. I just slack and slack and come up with some excuse for not doing the work. I just make some dumb and vague presentations an hour before the meeting. From last two weeks, I haven't even done that. I just make some excuse and try to portray myself as the victim. I have one more semester left for my thesis and I think I should just quit. But I can't because then how will I pay for my loan. I am also not getting any internships, how the fuck am I supposed to get a job. I thought maybe I'll start a PhD degree as I am not really getting anything else and I'll at least get some stipend regularly if I get the scholarship. My chances of getting the scholarship are highly dependent on my honours thesis and I seem to be doing a very bad job till now. I have to submit a draft of a literature review on Monday (rn it's Saturday night) which will be of around 15 pages and I haven't even started yet. I don't think I can do it and I don't think I deserve all this. Oh also, if you haven't guessed it yet, no I have no friends. The friend I go out every evening is a very old friend who is probably the only person I talk to. He is a good person, I have tried telling him my situation but I don't think he understands it and I don't blame him. He has a completely different life and we are two different people. I also have suicidal thoughts but the only reason I avoid thinking about it in detail is that if I die, my student loan will fall on my parents and that is just awful of me to that to them. I feel my existence is totally useless and I will bring nothing but misery to this universe. I don't think there is any point in living. I won't even get a job overseas. I will probably just get a mediocre job in India which will pay me average salary through which I will never be able to pay my loan. Probably will die with a debt on my head. Old classmates from the college I left (IIT) have amazing jobs and I see most of them travelling and enjoying their life in beaches and clubs and whatnot. I know I shouldn't compare but in reality, I do. I just feel that I was that dumb guy who left such a college to get into this huge pile of shit. I wasn't happy there but am I happy now? Life is just a grind and the sooner I understand it, the better it will be for me. I don't have any hobbies except watching Youtube and masturbating and doing drugs. Anything I can do? Is it possible for me to get out of the hole I dug myself for? Is there any hope for me? Is there anyone who can relate to my situation because I don't know anybody who can? ​ TLDR: An international student in an Australian uni studying online from my home country (India) from last one and half years. Living with my parents, smoking and doing marijuana edibles (legal) regularly. In my last year doing bachelor's honours thesis and continuously slacking in everything. No success in internship/job applications and feeling extremely stressed about repaying the loan (to the point of suicide). No social life and my family is too conservative to understand a single line of this post. Looking for some direction, someone who can relate to anything in this post or just in general help. ​ Obviously a throwaway account, I doubt that anyone can identify me but if you do pls don't text me about it, it's just gonna make me feel worse. Also, I forgot to mention, Coming from a conservative lower-middle class family in India, I can't afford actual therapy plus considering my conservative environment, I can't really talk about this with anyone.

I am lost after pretending to be badass for 2 years

Hello, I am college student and my life isnt best if I can say that, I was bullied at elementary school, my parents was alcoholics, from my 13 years I have a problem with drugs and alcohol, at year 2018 I had a pretty good relationship but I was pretty melancholic and she left me, so I had half year depression full of crying, wanting to kill myself and drinking booze and eating pills, after that one day I was magically blessed or so and I don't had depression anymore, I was new me, but as I am older I realise I was just hiding my emotions and now it just spiked to the point I am literally lost, I don't have much friends I am crying I don't have a energy for my school tasks, I am working at Mcdonald which is hard and I don't have time for nothing, I think I am ugly, my teeth are broken and I am at a point I don't know if I can help myself, everything I want is someone to talk to and hug when I am broken so I can fix myself, but I struggle with making new friends because everyone thinks I am junkie badass without emotions, I don't really know why I am posting this here, maybe I am hoping for a miracle? I don't know, but if you have some opinion or something I would like to hear that. Sorry for my English and if you are struggling, know that you are not alone, hope everyone gets better, love u all.

The more I live the more I realise how much I don't fit in

And I never will. I feel like a constant burden to be around. I feel like people are sick of me and don't take me seriously. I'm a loser. I like loser things. My passions are film, art and cooking. All loser passions. I just feel like finally giving up. My friend ditched me since getting a girlfriend and here I am alone. People just think I'm a weirdo and now I believe it. I just don't know which way to turn. It's always been like this and I don't even know anymore. Should I disappear or should I work through it. I'm awkward to my boss and I don't think I'll get a promotion. No one wants to help me with my film ideas. I don't know anymore. I'm going to sleep it off and wake up tomorrow. I feel confusion from every part of my brain

I’m probably going to do it tonight

As I work in IT I rarely give absolutes. Because I’m a worthless piece of shit. I wish I didn’t meet wanting to try. I’m drunk enough now I could probably kms. I’m crying and I just destroyed a person who was attempting to help. I made assumptions I shouldn’t have. I never met any offense to anyone. So I really have nothing left in my life. And I am the reason for the problems. Nobody will ever understand. I’m so sorry everyone. I’m so so very sorry for even continuing to try.

SSRIs

Rant/seeking advice I've been diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety disorder for 6 going on 7 years. Currently I'm on 60mg nuzak to treat my depression. I've been feeling like it doesn't work anymore. I've said this to my psychiatrist, and ive tried to make appointments time and time again. She just doesn't get back to me. When I do have an appointment she's about 30 minutes late for a 30 minute appointment. I'm just feeling incredibly frustrated with this. I get that she's busy and that life happens but its impossible to reach her. Im going to a new psychiatrist at the end of the month. Should I share these experiences? Should I share that I think my dosage is a bit high for not working well? I'm nervous about this. I just don't want to feel dismissed again. I feel a little defeated. Like I do a lot to manage my mental well-being but its like the therapies and meds just never help. I don't know how many more times I need to tell someone I'm sad in a therapy session. Please be gentle. I needed to just air these feelings out.

I feel so empty

It’s been nearly four months since my dog passed. And I’ve had maybe a handful of good days. I can’t even make a ham sandwich without getting upset sometimes. I’ve been up since midnight and I can’t get back to sleep. My sleep patterns are all over the place. Setting a set time for sleep just adds to my stress. And the. My anxiety goes all haywire. I did start one of my hobbies back up, but I noticed I can easily get lost in it and blow time I need to do chores or run errands. And while it’s good distraction , it hasn’t gotten its joy back yet. Just finding a new routine without my caregiving duties, and especially without my/my Mom’s dog has just been hell. Nothing feels as good; and any step I take is without them. I literally got a slight raise at work, and the first person I wanted to tell, I couldn’t because she’s gone. It’s like I can’t even be happy with anything because I don’t have anyone to share it with who cares. Even when my dog was here, I still felt pride that I was doing good for her and making her life a little better. I don’t know. Life just isn’t as fun without them. And while I don’t feel suicidal, every thing just feels like motions and so dull. Sorry to post yet again, the sad anxiety just really gets to me.

I might have depression...

How do I go about getting help? My parents are very old school, they don't believe in mental health at all and if I go to a psychologist I'll have to go in secret. I'm not even sure if our insurance covers mental health visits. If it doesn't I can't afford it, I have no money of my own. According to my parents this sadness is "punishment" for my past sins, if I didn't do so many bad things I wouldn't be feeling this way now. 3 years ago I begged my parents to take me to a psychologist and my parents were shocked and said "our daughter is not crazy" and shut down the topic as quickly as they could. Like end of discussion. This lead to my attempted suicide and even that they covered up, said to the emergency doctors that what happened just happened by "accident". And that was that

Advice?

Hi, In advance! I’m not the best out there on explaining my feelings since that’s very far away from my culture, but I’ll try because I don’t know what else to do. I’m 26 and not too long ago I changed my career path to something which I’ve always wanted to do. Prior to this, which was about a year and a half ago I felt as though I’ve been in an emotional hole I couldn’t get out of. My new job distracted me for a long while, I was even being complimented on how I suddenly seemed like “myself” again up until about 6 months ago, when I just fell back in to my own bullshit of complete and utter numbness. The issue is, that normally lasts a few weeks for me but it’s been 6 months (or longer) now and I can’t seem to shake it. I don’t want to speak to anybody, I love my family and friends but I can’t seem to…make the effort I guess? This resulted in me losing important connections and even severing them because I can’t for the life of me understand what the point of them is when I can’t be a good person to them. Then I have the audacity to feel loneliness and feel even more sorry for myself 😂 When I do talk to the people I have left I can’t focus on the conversation and I just drift off in to absolutely nothing, so it never lasts long. My question is to those who have managed to get through this without medication (I can’t have medication due to the nature of my job) How did you manage to do it? Am I missing something? I will do everything I possibly can to help myself but I’ve tried so much. I got back in the gym, I’m eating well, I’ve meditated, I’ve gone for walks, I’ve listened to music to self medicate, I’ve slept decent amounts. I can’t seem to enjoy doing anything anymore and my passion for life has been put out like someone suddenly pissed on a bonfire. I feel like I get closer and closer to giving up everyday and I’m just too close to it this time to the point I’m starting to scare myself every now and again with the thoughts that come in to my mind. Any suggestions would help so much.

medical mystery causing me depression

usually antipsychotics/with SSRI help me a lot but its just been fucked lately, i've had one of my worst relapses ever for the past 11 days I just feel like i'm stuck in some alternate world of dissociation, i usually get a warning before this happens - an intrusive sensation comes on, and i focus on the feeling and suck it in, i than immediately surrender to this feeling and say ''yup It's happening again'' or if i try to fight away the sinking feeling, it gets deeper the discomfort and the dissociation goes into my head, than i get a weird feeling in my body, i don't know if it is in my arms or my neck muscles, but it sucks. It's highly distressing. I have diagnosed OCD. Am i going crazy? part of me just wants to take the recommended dosage for schizophrenia to make sure i am not actually schizophrenic. For 2 years my life was perfect, now it's in crisis again, My damn GP said it will take too long to see a psychiatrist or get to see one, and he wants me to wait to see if the extremely small upping of my antipsychotic dose will help, which clearly it has not, it has been 9 days and i have still had an episode every freaking night, it all dates back to that one traumatic event i had in 2016, i wish that night never happened and i would forever be a normal happy person, instead i am now a fucked up crazy person. Apart of me wishes i had a bullet to just take the pain away of this sensation, it feels like i am talking to a bunch of ghosts on reddit when i ask this, people don't get this feeling follows me around, it is a part of me, a part of my brain that is actively seeking to hurt me and only the meds can block it

I'm in a bad place right now.

I am so far behind on bills I don't know if I will get caught up. if I don't I could loose my house. I was off work because of an injury for over two months, and with covid I just can't get out of the hole. I just want to curl I to a ball and cry and never come back out. I just lay awake at night thinking it would be easier if I just didn't wake up because I would have to deal with this stress and life any more. I don't know what to do this back hole keeps getting bigger and I can't stop it.

Could a vitamin D deficiency be causing depression entirely?

I've been severely depressed and suicidal for well over a year at this point, but I've noticed that it started easing a bit around March/April (the start of winter in my country) and then worsening again in August/September (the start of summer), while I was actually happy in June and July, and any moments of suicidal ideation were anxiety driven, not depression. In winter, because it's cold, I spend most of the day lazing in the sun (yes, I know skin cancer, but I don't care), so about 4-5 hours of consistent sunlight at least. In summer, I stay out of the sun entirely because it's too hot and I absolutely hate the heat. So this makes me think that something is particularly bad in summer to make me significantly more depressed than winter. Perhaps that's a vitamin D deficiency. Has that been the case for anyone else?

My ex husband dead because of me and I hate living

I married my ex husband when I was 18. We had 2 kids together. I already had 2. There was ups and downs. Good times and bad ones but something that stayed constant was he wouldn't work. I went to nursing school with the promise he would take care of the home. This didn't happen. After 7 years of this and also quite a bit of mental abuse I divorced him. The kids started getting into trouble and were so upset. Plus to be honest I missed him. I went back. I did this for 8 more years. Meanwhile he had developed quite the tab habit. And me overdrawn everyday day trying to feed habits and kids. I didn't leave again til it got so bad he was needing stronger and stronger things and me and the 2 girls left at home had no running water or lights. It was hard without family. He begged and begged me to come back. Just like last time. He also played bad guy and even tried to get me fired. He died less then a year after we left. He was in a crack house. High on heroin and fentanol. His kids devastated. So now here am i.. with all the things ppl know I went through. And I have to be strong for the kids. But there was some good times too. Some only him and I shared. He understood me like no one else. He wasn't always a drug addict.Maybe I actually hoped subconsciously that he would get better and we could try again. After all I had never cared about anyone like I do him. All I know is I miss him so fucking much! I cry every day. I dont wanna live without him. Everything and I mean everything makes me think of him.. and I'm so lost. I cant believe he left me. He left me here without him and it hurts so damn bad and I dont know how to make it stop. I just want him.... and all this im feeling roaring in me like a fire. I cant say a word.. to no one. No one understands because what I went through. And I cant tell my kids. I have to be strong for them. They hurt too. So this is how I am truly silently feeling everyday. My world is crushed, I feel like I cant breath, cant think, much less want to. I know my kids still need me so I will stay but I really just don't wanna be here anymore.

Slipping back into a depressive episode, but this time the stress in not very manageable

Basically, to sum it up: >moved from overseas back to the states. Month or so later move to CA with family member, because they said I could have a really good opportunity. Their job fell through, we move back to home state. Ended up moving Moved to a new place with a family member in a different city months later. Covid starts. No job. Family member says I have a few years with them and it’s okay. Fast forward to this year - they get into a relationship and now want to move in with them / kick me out. I have no car because their extra car went to my other family member (who already had two cars) for I don’t know why. They told me I could share their car it’s no problem, assuming in a year or so I’d be good enough to move out. But now I have 6 months, little work, no car, and I have to be ready to go somewhere. I’ve done about 20 or 25 applications and only three got back to me saying no. I feel like the whole reason I was able to stay with my family member was out of obligation and they were lonely. Now since they aren’t lonely, it’s now my fault for not working during Covid and being “ambition-less” - despite pouring time into now what’s a contracted job of audio engineering (audio is my passion). So now I have less than a year and at the moment months before I’m homeless. I’m not on my meds anymore, I was on viibryd for a while. Now I’m starting to feel like there is an easy way out of this. I feel like my situation isn’t my fault, but to my family member they think I deserve this. One thing that annoys me is that we would make a deal in which I can do x and y for my family member and I would get paid weekly for it during Covid . But that always ended up falling through because they quit. Also the fact that the premise of their thoughts was that they are lonely , won’t find anyone, so no rush. But now they found someone to settle with, and suddenly im put into this situation. There is a lot more, but it’s risky to say because of my family members social status.