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AT ODDS

My wife treats me like a doormat and I'm at the end of my tether

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30269875/wife-treats-doormat-end-of-tether/

AFTER years of being treated like a doormat by my wife, I’ve hit breaking point. No matter what I say or do, she’s constantly giving me a hard time, and I’m not sure how much more I can take. I’m 37 and a quiet man. My wife is 35. We have been married for six years. I used to love her fiery side, but as time has passed, she’s turned mean and bitter. These days, no matter what I do, she is constantly giving me agro. Whether I’ve left a dish in the sink for too long or put the volume a notch too high on the TV, there’s constantly an issue. Every day she erupts over the smallest of things and constantly takes her anger out on me. I can’t remember the last time we spent time together, without her shouting at me for something. I’m always walking on eggshells around her, worrying about what I may do next that will trigger her. I’ve always let her get her own way to keep the peace but I think she sees me as weak and takes full advantage. Now, after years of putting up with it, I’ve had enough. I would love her to think of me as an equal and treat me with some respect, but every time I try to broach the subject, she throws a tantrum. How do I get through to her?

A healthy relationship should be built on mutual respect, trust, and understanding. While being assertive doesn’t come naturally to all of us, by not speaking up and bottling things, you’re allowing the cycle to continue. It’s time to set some boundaries and challenge your wife on her behaviour. If you don’t, you’re leaving yourself wide open to being walked over again. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself will help you to be more assertive and tell your wife how you feel.

PROBLEM DRINKER

My husband has gone off the rails since I miscarried our baby

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30269873/husband-gone-off-rails-miscarried-baby/

SINCE losing our baby, my husband has gone completely off the rails. He used to be so kind and caring, but these days I don’t recognise him. I’m 32, he’s 35, and we’ve been together for six years. After years of trying and failing to conceive naturally, we finally fell pregnant last year after my second round of IVF. We were over the moon, but everything came crashing down when I miscarried three months in. From that moment on, my husband fell into a deep depression and has been drinking himself through it ever since. I’ve tried everything I can to support him, but nothing is working. Now he spends almost every night down the pub, and I regularly pick him up because he’s got himself in such a state. He’s started fights with locals and has even kissed a few random women, but always wakes up the next day with no memory. I’m at a loss for what to do and it’s really getting me down.

I can only imagine how hard it must be losing a child after such a long struggle with fertility. It’s clear your husband is using alcohol as a way to cope and neglecting you and your relationship in the process. It’s time for some hard talking. Find a moment when you are both quiet and alone and explain the impact his drinking is having on you and tell him that something needs to change. I'm sending you my support pack Dealing With A Problem Drinker to help.

SEX STRESS

Since having kids my sex life has been non existent

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30293657/since-having-kids-sex-life-non-existent/

SLEEPING in separate beds - sometimes with our children - has put paid to our sex life. My wife hasn’t been interested in intimacy for years and won’t discuss it. It feels like we’re flatmates, not partners. I’m 46 and she’s 44. We have three children, aged between 11 and 7. She stopped wanting sex after the birth of our youngest child. A couple of years ago, she said she’d feel more comfortable with her own space, and moved into the spare room to sleep. I know lots of couples sleep apart and don’t have sex, but our situation is different. She has always encouraged the kids to sleep in bed with us, and they still clamber in most nights, which makes sex impossible. When I try talking to her about it, she just brushes me off. She’s always tired, or busy, or out. She says she loves me but has no interest in a physical relationship at all, and likes to be independent. She wants to continue to be a family, but I feel this is just for the kids’ sake. I need more. I don’t want a platonic relationship.

It sounds like your wife has checked out of your marriage, both physically and emotionally, and expects you to accept this. Explain how important intimacy is to you. Ask if she’ll consider couples counselling - my support pack about this will tell you more. Having the children sleep in your beds seems like a convenient way of avoiding sex. They are old enough to be sleeping independently, and should be encouraged to do so. If she won’t consider discussing these issues, it may be time for you to put your own needs first and consider leaving.

TOTAL MESS

I am torn between ex-lover and flaky new man I met for sex on dating app

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30311537/torn-ex-sex-on-dating-app/

I WAS delighted when I matched with a new man on a dating app after my ex ditched me, and thought he was what I needed to get over my heart break. For a few months he wooed me over video calls and made me feel really special, but just lately he’s pretty much ignored me and so I have started hooking up for sex with my ex again. It’s such a mess. My ex-partner and I split up six months ago. He said he felt we’d grown apart, so I slowly moved out of our home this year. He always said he would be open for a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship but made it clear he didn’t want anything more. But I want the full package so I signed up to dating sites. I met my new man within weeks. He’s 40, the same age as me and my ex, and has two children who are ten and 13. We both bonded over our struggles with mental health, but it became apparent that our relationship was far from perfect. He became distant, telling me he doesn’t use his phone a lot, especially when he is caring for his kids. Surely, if you were interested in someone, you’d send them a quick text, even if you were busy? We’ve only met three times and now I feel he’s avoiding a fourth date. To make matters more complicated, my ex admitted to me that he was taking another woman on a date. Now it feels as though my world has ended a second time. I’m worried there is something wrong with me as both of these men are uninterested?

It’s great you’re trying to move on from your ex, but this new man doesn’t sound ready for commitment. You seem to want to dash head first into a new relationship to distract yourself from the heartbreak of your last one. But if you’re not ready to move on, your ex will still be able to pull you back in. Take your time to recover from the loss of your previous relationship and work on your own happiness. When you are feeling more confident and settled, you will be far more likely to attract someone who is right for you. Take a break from the dating apps and spend time with friends and loved ones. My support pack Finding The Love Of Your Life will help.

LOW SELF-ESTEEM

I let my bitter ex break-up my new relationship by sparking my insecurities

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30317072/bitter-ex-break-up-new-relationship/

AFTER my ex saw photos of me with my new, much younger girlfriend on social media, my insecurity got the better of me. She sent some vile messages saying she never really wanted to be with me, but because I had money, she stayed. She also said that she didn’t find me attractive. She has ridiculed the age gap between me and my girlfriend, saying the thought of us having sex gave her “the ick”. She completely got to me. I’m 51 and my girlfriend’s 28. We’ve been together for a year and I’ve had moments of insecurity because of the age gap, but my girlfriend said it didn’t matter to her because she’s always preferred older men. She never gave me a reason to doubt her. I just doubted myself and my ability to stay with a woman much younger than me forever. The messages from my ex threw me and made me insecure, doubting my abilities. I told my girlfriend and, while she was fine, I let it all get to me and we had an almighty argument. I kept questioning her commitment to me, demanding constant reassurance, which she said she didn’t have to give. She couldn’t get past my insecurity and eventually said my behaviour was a massive red flag and has ended our relationship. I’m gutted.

All couples have insecurities, regardless of their ages, but a large age gap can bring different uncertainties to the fore. Romantic relationships can really feel overwhelming, exhilarating and scary. They need trust and a degree of vulnerability. This fear of being hurt and rejected, especially if it has happened before, is a self-defence mechanism telling us it might happen again. My pack Dealing With Jealousy will help you to manage these feelings in a less damaging way.

DISAPPEARING ACT

The girl I like hasn't responded since I asked her on a date

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30293655/girl-hasnt-responded-since-asked-on-date/

WEEKS after I asked the girl I like if she wants to meet up, she still hasn’t responded. Now I’m confused whether that means she isn’t interested or is she just playing hard to get? I’m 16 and have been talking to a girl, also 16, on social media. We get on really well and I’d like to date her. Three weeks ago I sent her a message asking if she’d like to meet up. She just said, ‘I’ll let you know” but she hasn’t! We’ve messaged several times since. I want to ask her again, but I’m worried I’ll look too keen. What should I do? Give up and just be friends or let her know I’m really interested and risk being rejected?

It must be disappointing not to have had a reply. It’s hard to say why. Perhaps she’s simply not ready, or she’s not interested, or she’s nervous about meeting up with someone she doesn’t know. You’ll never know unless you ask. I know it’s scary but at least you’ll know where you stand. Good luck.

DEAR DEIDRE

All I want is another threesome but my wife isn’t convinced

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30293661/want-another-threesome-wife-isnt-convinced/

AFTER my wife and I had an incredible threesome with my friend, I told her I’d like her to take him as a regular lover. When she said she was worried about doing it again, I asked her to write a list of pros and cons of our experience, so we could make it work - but she’s still hesitating We’ve been married for 12 years. I’m 42 and she’s 40. I’ve always fantasised about seeing her have sex with another man and, after talking it through in bed many times, we finally went ahead last month. I have a sexually adventurous, single friend, 39, who didn’t take much persuasion to join us. The night was everything I’d anticipated - the biggest turn on of my life. All three of us enjoyed it equally. Seeing my wife have sex with another guy was even more thrilling than having sex with her myself. So I asked her if she’d be happy to repeat the experience on a more regular basis. She said she wasn’t sure. Writing her list - I was certain there would be more pros! She wrote she’d had multiple orgasms, loved the attention of two guys and relished seeing me so turned on. But on the con side, she was worried what other people might think if they found out, and also how it would affect our friendship with my mate. I told her it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, as it’s between us. As for my friend, he’s discreet and happy to do this as often as we’d like. But she still isn’t convinced. How do I help her get over her worries?

You asked your wife to write a list of pros and cons, thinking that would make her agree to continuing your fantasy. Now that hasn’t happened, you’re looking for another way to persuade her. Stop for a moment. You’re not a film director and your wife is not an actress with the job of fulfilling your fantasies. This is both of your real lives and you are in danger of damaging your relationship if you keep pushing her. She’s a person with her own needs, desires and fears. If she doesn’t want to do this - whatever her reason - you need to accept her decision. Find other ways to enjoy sex together that you both agree on. My support pack, 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex, should help. Also read the one about Threesomes.

MISMATCHED FEELINGS

How do I let my female friend down gently?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30269879/how-let-female-friend-down-gently/

HOW do I let my female friend down gently? I know she really likes me, and I really value her friendship but I don’t fancy her in the slightest. I’m 23, she’s 21, and we’ve been friends for three years. We first met when we both worked as sales associates in a shoe shop. Spending so much time together meant that we quickly became close and have stayed in touch. Since the beginning, I’ve always had a suspicion that she has had a crush on me, but recently things have escalated. Every time we meet up, she constantly finds excuses to touch me and is never shy about complimenting me on the way I look. Even our mutual friends have made comments about it. I’ve tried my hardest to ignore it, but over time it’s become impossible. Just last week on a friend’s birthday night out, she got drunk and tried to kiss me.

Mismatched feelings between friends can be complicated. Letting her down without changing the dynamic or hurting her feelings will be difficult, but the most important thing is that you’re honest. Find a quiet moment to talk to her and tell her how you feel. Explain that while you really care about her as a friend, unfortunately your feelings aren’t any deeper. Make sure to assure her that you still want her in your life, but some boundaries need to be in place. If your friendship is meant to last, she’ll respect your decision and honesty.

OVER THE LINE

My girlfriend shamelessly flirts with other men and tells me all about it

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30354873/girlfriend-shamelessly-flirts-other-men-tells-me/

WHENEVER my girlfriend returns home after an evening out, she tells me about all the lads she has been talking to. I am 26 and she is 24. We have been together for almost a year and mostly things are great between us. She also flirts with random guys on social media, sometimes adding them as friends. I have tried talking to her about this because it makes me doubt her and I really do want to be able to trust her. I know some of her friends who she goes out with and they can be wild and raucous. I asked her how she would feel if I was talking to other women and then coming home to tell her about it. She just says she knows that’s not my style and admits she wouldn’t be happy. She says she is only having harmless fun and that it is me who she loves. But I don’t understand why it is OK for her to talk to other guys, but not me with other females.

She may not see it as flirting, but if your girlfriend can talk to other men, then you should be able to talk to other women. As the saying goes “Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you”. That certainly applies here. Any communications with other guys should be clearly friendly, rather than flirty. Trust is so important for the success of any relationship, and if you’re struggling with that, then maybe this relationship isn’t for you.

CUT OUT

My daughter threw me out of her house - and it's her nasty boyfriend's fault

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30311538/daughter-threw-me-out-house/

MY daughter threw me out because of her nasty boyfriend. I’m her mum, 70, and my daughter is 40. She has lived with me for the past ten years. She has four children by two different fathers. Her current boyfriend is the dad of her youngest, a one year old girl. When they met, she began dumping her three eldest children on me in order to spend time with him. Sometimes she left them with me for two or three days at a time. She soon moved in with him, and at the same time, I lost my house. I’d had a major heart operation and then lost my job so I couldn’t afford the rent on my home. She agreed to let me move in temporarily while I looked for another home to rent. She thought it was a great idea, as she had a free babysitter. However, it all turned sour the other day when her boyfriend thought I’d said something derogatory about their daughter. It came out of nowhere when I was feeding her, and he began swearing at me. My daughter was in tears, and she suddenly put all my belongings in a bin bag and threw them outside. She told me to get out and not to return. I’ve tried to contact her since so I can resolve the situation, but she says she doesn’t want to see me. Every day is a struggle, and even my oldest grandchildren are calling, asking when they can see me again. My heart is weak, and the stress is causing me to feel unwell. How do I resolve this situation?

It’s understandable you’ll feel wounded by your daughter’s harsh treatment. You’ve helped her with her children, and unfortunately, she has taken advantage of your kindness. If she’s adamant that she doesn’t want to see you, this may not change, but I wouldn’t give up. Keep telling her you miss her and the children. Emphasise that you want to reconcile. It would help you to contact standalone.org.uk, an organisation that helps anyone who is estranged from their families. They’ll be able to advise you at this time.

Clinging on

I'm too jealous to break up with my abusive partner

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30245221/jealous-break-up-abusive-partner/

Marrying my abusive husband was a huge mistake, but I’m too jealous to let him go. When I did summon up the courage to kick him out, I took him back because I was scared he would move on. I’m 38 and he’s 35. We’ve been married for five years. While we were dating he treated me so well and I was so happy.But soon after we tied the knot, he started showing his true colours. He became controlling and nasty, often swearing at me and putting me down. Then he turned violent. During a row, he threw a plate at me, narrowly missing my head. I threw him out. He went to stay at his parents’ house, as he had nowhere else to go. He begged me to let him come back, apologising and sending my loving messages and flowers, but I said no. Then I heard he was talking to his ex and I got so jealous that, even though I don’t want to be with him, I let him come back. All my friends say I’m an idiot and that he’s bad news. Nobody likes him or wants to be around him - except me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Please help.

People often get addicted to substances that are bad for their health. The same can happen with people. By love bombing you, then being abusive and putting you down, your husband has made you feel you can’t live without him. But you know, rationally, that he is bad for you - and abusive men tend only to become more abusive. You need support to break away from him. Contact Women’s Aid (womensaid.org.uk) and call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247). My support pack, Addictive Love, will explain more about this type of relationship and lists other organisations you can contact. The one on Raising Self-Esteem should also be helpful.

Vice

My porn addiction is reaching new extremes

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30245222/porn-addiction-reaching-new-extremes/

Watching porn is my only vice - but I’m worried the videos I like are becoming more and more extreme. I’ve developed a taste for seeing women dominated and even assaulted, and it scares me that these things arouse me. I think I need help. I’m 38 and have been watching porn since my teens. But while normal consensual sex used to turn me on, that now does nothing for me. Instead, in order to get sexually excited I need to see a woman looking like she’s being hurt, and crying. I fear this isn’t normal. I’m currently single and don’t know how I’ll be able to have a loving sexual relationship with anyone I like, again. I’ve never thought of myself as a pervert and I don’t like hurting people - especially women - so why do I watch this stuff?

It’s good you recognise your need to watch violent porn is unhealthy. What you’re describing affects many men, and realising you have a problem is the first step to dealing with it. Porn sites are designed to trap you with increasingly extreme material - that’s how they make their money. As you fear, this can make real life sex an issue, as ‘vanilla’ experiences no longer turn you on. Some men find they can’t get erections anymore. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal Two of my support packs, Internet Pornography Worry? and Addicted To Sex, will tell you where to go for help. You could also try the Kick Start Recovery Programme, which provides self-help for sex and porn addiction (www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk).

Dear Deidre

I've fallen for my cousin so is our relationship incestuous?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30232062/cousin-family-relationship/

The man of my dreams rescued me from the roadside, but it turns out we are related and I don’t know how to tell our families that we are together. I’m a 26-year-old woman and I’d never had a serious relationship with anybody before. I’m shy and I think my parents had given up on me ever meeting anyone. Still I force myself to go to an aerobics class once a week and other than that, I don’t go out. My car broke down on the way back from work one evening. I had to have it recovered from a lay-by and the guy was really lovely. We got chatting and when I gave him my address he told me he had an auntie who lived nearby explaining “We never see her though - family fall-outs and all that.” He dropped me off and then took my car to a local garage. I was delighted when he called a week later to see how I was getting on. He said calling customers was against company policy but he thought I was really nice and wondered if he could take me out sometime. It felt a little weird but we had got along well so I agreed. We met in a pub. He was the perfect gentleman. He told me he was 34 and had been in a relationship for three years until she cheated. We walked home and I felt on cloud nine. We texted one another for the next two hours. Our relationship blossomed and it felt amazing when I lost my virginity to him. We are so happy together but then I did some digging about his family background and discovered my Mum and his are sisters. I didn’t even know she existed. I don’t know how our mothers will react after not speaking in so many years, never mind the fact that we are cousins. How do we tackle this?

You can have a relationship with your first cousin in the UK. You can even get married. Cousins can be attracted to one another because there’s a familial trait, but socially it is still unusual for cousins to get together romantically or sexually and can test family relationships. Some may even feel it’s akin to incest and with an existing family fall out, this isn’t going to straight forward. Introduce your boyfriend as a friend first and tell your mother you’ve found out that you’re cousins. Then, if your relationship really does have legs then go for it. Genetic counselling may allay any fears you have about having children. Contact Genetic Alliance (geneticalliance.org.uk, 0300 124 0441) for advice.

At the limit

My wife complains about her aches and pains but never speaks to the doctor

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30232096/wife-complains-aches-pains/

I’d never cheat on my wife but she’s pushing me to the limit. We’ve not had sex at all this year. She’s 61 and complains of aches and pains but she’ll never see the doctor. I’m a man of 63 and I start my shifts at 7am so I have to get up early. My wife stays up really late, watching soaps or films on TV so now she goes to bed to watch them and I sleep in the spare bedroom. I hate living like this. I try to talk to her about our connection but she says that people of our age don’t have sex any longer. I don’t believe it but I don’t have friends I can ask. We are going on holiday next week to Tenerife and I’m hoping things may be different with a couple of drinks and some sunshine.

My guess is she’s never enjoyed sex and now she has an excuse not to want to have it - her age. But it needn’t be this way. When you’re away, explain that you miss the intimacy and ask whether, when you get home, she’ll keep one night a week for you to spend quality time together. Explain that you want to show her how much you appreciate her. You could cook for her, run her a bath, pour her a glass of wine. Instead of putting sex on the agenda, change the emphasis to intimacy, which feels far less pressured but can be equally fulfilling. She may then want to go to bed with you for a kiss and a cuddle and you can build up to sex that way. My support pack called Love And The Mature Woman may help you.

New look

I want to create a new identity to escape my family

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30232087/new-identity-never-see-family/

Am I wrong to want to create a new identity so that I never have to see my horrid family again? They are toxic. My mother took her own life when I was a child of five. My father is part of a big criminal gang and is forever in and out of prison. I’m a woman of 24. My older sisters looked after me when Dad was in police custody, or jail, or up to no good but they aren’t nice people. They are takers, just like my dad. My older sister has a drink issue and my middle sister has boyfriends who abuse her. When we argue over anything, they say, “You’re just like Dad. Stubborn and selfish.” But I feel I’m anything but selfish. They get cross when I won’t look after their kids but my nieces and nephews misbehave. I want to run away and find new friends with people who know nothing about me or my notorious family.

It’s a big step to cut yourself off from your family. Despite your differences, your sisters have been there for you when you’ve needed care. Perhaps, it’s worth developing your own life and interests, moving somewhere new where you can set up clear boundaries and manage more limited contact with them. It’s a big step but if you still feel they bring you down, then you can slowly cut down contact and become more of your own person. You can find further help through Stand Alone (www.standalone.org.uk), which helps people of all ages that become estranged or disowned from their family or key family members.

Feeling down

My wife has been monstrous since hitting the menopause

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30232073/life-isnt-worth-living-wifes-menopause/

Life doesn’t seem worth living since my wife hit the menopause. She’s awful to be around. She’s 55 and for the past three years, she’s been very difficult to live with. She can be fine one moment then biting my head off the next. The children don’t call in to see us any longer because they can’t bear to be near her. She had ovaries removed and we thought that would help but if anything, she’s worse. She needs a hysterectomy but we can’t afford to pay privately and she is on the waiting list to have one. I’m 60 and dread coming home to face her wrath. She doesn’t want sex. She isn’t loving towards me and I spend my evenings running her around or doing errands for her. She hasn’t worked since her last operation. When she’s in a good mood she says, “It if wasn’t for you, I’d hate my life” but what she doesn’t know is that I hate my life because of her. I’m miserable. Should I stay in this very unhappy marriage?

If you had the wife you married back, you’d stay. Find a quiet moment to tell her that you feel unhappy, using ‘I’ words rather than ‘you’. They’re less threatening. Explain that you’ve lost the woman you love and you are worried about her because she needs help. Encourage her to see her doctor and go with her to the appointment to tell the doctor how this is affecting the whole family. Be honest about her mood swings. Your GP may be able to make a case to expedite her operation. She can find further help through my support pack called Menopause. In addition, my support pack called How To Look After Your Relationship may help her see that something needs to change otherwise the family is going to fall apart.

Dear Deidre

My wife has joined the mile high club and fallen for a pilot she works with

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30208256/wife-mile-high-club-fallen-pilot/

My wife has joined the mile high club and fallen for a pilot she works with. Now she says she’s fallen out of love with me. But I know it’s more than that - she’s having sex with this man. She’s always been career-driven and flies long-haul flights as a chief stewardess. She’s the breadwinner in our relationship. I’m her husband, a stay-at-home dad with three children aged 10, seven and three. I was the one who wanted kids and she agreed but said they would be largely my responsibility as she wanted to get back to work. We are both 37 and when we met 13 years ago, I was ground crew for the same airline. We got together at a staff party and I fell for her. We dated for eight months, got married and moved into my grandmother’s old house that she’d left to me. To start with our relationship was perfect. We were loving and considerate towards one another and had a great sex life but after our children were born, she couldn't wait to get back to work each time. I was happy to be at home with them, cooking and cleaning and doing the school runs while she was high maintenance and didn’t seem to want to spend time with us. I tried to talk to her during our holiday and she said she just felt different and no longer loved me, but said, “That’s normal though isn’t it?” Recently she forgot her phone in the car and a message flashed up from one of the pilots saying, ‘Can’t wait to see you alone tomorrow’. When I read more of their messages it became clear they share a bedroom while they are away. I can’t look at her. I’m devastated.

You’re still reeling, but don’t rule out that you could still have a future together. She hasn’t admitted to an affair so do let her know you’ve seen her messages. Ask her to be honest with you because whether you split, or try to stay together, you both need to understand where everything has changed. From that point you’ll both be able to consider what changes are needed. Talk to a counsellor - either alone or with your wife - it will help you navigate this challenging time. An affair doesn’t have to mean the end. It can be the beginning of an even better, more solid marriage unless either of you decides to give it all up. My support pack called Cheating - Can You Get Over It? explains more.

Political views

My husband has turned into a far right monster

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30208258/husband-far-right-monster/

My husband has turned into a far-right monster. I don’t know who he is any longer. When we married, he was lovely and enjoyed getting to know everyone - no matter what their colour or culture. Now he’s 62, he’s so different. He’s started complaining that there are more Muslims around than Christians. He won’t let me shop in our local shops if they are owned by people with different colour skin. He’s ridiculous. My cousins are both Asian and they were adopted but now he refuses to go to family get-togethers if they are going to be there. He’s been disappearing on protests and marches and when I get cross with him he says, “If you don’t approve of what I’m doing, don’t ask me where I’m going”. When the riots started a few weeks ago, he was longing for things to kick off in our hometown. I know he’d have been one of the troublemakers but thank goodness our town wasn’t affected. I’m 58 and I’m his wife and I don’t like the person he’s become.Our grown-up kids can barely speak to him. Is this a mid-life crisis of some sort?

Perhaps but my guess is he’s been radicalised by reading about the far right online, through social media platforms. He may have friends who hold the same views. In a quiet moment, tell him that you’re worried about him because his extreme views are affecting the whole family dynamic. A check-up with the doctor may help you both to see whether there are cognitive changes responsible for his change in behaviour. If he refuses to talk about it or talk to his GP, then some counselling yourself through BACP - British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, (www.bacp.co.uk, tel: 01455 883300) will help you to decide whether his new values mean that your marriage is now over for you.

Care Scare

Is sympathetic woman trying to scam me?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30208260/carer-scam-me/

A lady I know wants to move in and care for me but is she out to scam me? I’m a man of 58. I live in a council flat and I don’t work. I have mobility issues because of having operations on my foot. The community nurse used to come out to dress my foot but now I have to take two buses to get to my doctor. I use Facebook and a lady reached out to me and I remembered her name as I used to work on her dad’s farm as a teenager. She’s 57 and seemed really nice. She said she is a retired nurse. We’ve been talking for months. She says she loves me and she wants to care for me but I know that she is short of money. I’ve lent cash to two other friends who haven’t paid me back yet and I‘m worried this woman will take me for a fool too.

There’s no rush for you to invite her to live with you. You must get to know her first and that involves face-to-face meetings. Ask whether she’ll visit you. You’ll get a better idea of what she’s like when you see her for yourself, rather than online. If you’re able to get a taxi to visit her at some later date that will help you too, but you must develop a genuine relationship before you decide to move in together. If she starts asking for money, you’ll know she’s not the right person for you. Please take your time.

TAPPING OUT

My mum is not interested in my opinions and would rather play on her phone

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30311514/mum-not-interested-in-my-opinions/

WHENEVER I meet my mum she’s just not interested in a word I have to say. Whether it’s going for a coffee or taking my dog for a walk, as soon as I open my mouth to say something about myself, she gets her phone out and starts tapping away. It’s like she isn’t interested in anything I have to say or is bored of my company. I’ve brought it up on a couple of occasions, but she dismisses what I say, telling me she has things she needs to sort out. I’m not sure what they would be, as she’s retired and only has a small group of friends that she sees at her weekly book club. Mum is 68, I’m her 45-year-old son. How do I resolve this situation?It’s time to bring this up again.

Tell her this is really upsetting you, especially when she seems to ignore you and how you feel. Tell her that it seems as though she isn’t interested in you and that she’s bored with your company. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, will help you talk to her.

It’s Only Natural

Husband’s sex drive is back since his naturist trip - so has he cheated?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30245224/husband-cheated-naturist-camp/

A solo weekend visit to a naturist camp has reawakened my husband’s libido. While I enjoyed our night of passion, I’m anxious he might have cheated because, before he went away, we hadn’t had sex in months. I’m 52 and my husband is 54. We’ve been married for 14 years. We always used to have a great sex life but, recently, my husband has had problems getting an erection. He went to the doctor but all the tests came back normal. Although I tried not to make him feel bad, I really missed intimacy with him. My husband has always liked the idea of naturism. He enjoys walking around our house nude and says it’s liberating. But I am self-conscious about my body and wouldn’t dream of trying it. Last week, he went to visit a mate for the weekend. When he came home he admitted he’d been to a nudist camp, but had been afraid to tell me in advance. The next morning, he woke up with an erection and we had the best sex we’ve had in years. Should I be worried?

Don’t assume he’s cheated. What’s more likely is that his erection problems were caused by performance anxiety. Going to a naturist camp was indeed liberating - it boosted his self-esteem, allowed him to express himself and was a turn-on for him. My support pack on Erection Problems will tell you more. Enjoy getting your sex life back on track but do talk to him if you’re worried.

OVER IN A FLASH

Sex with girlfriend lasts only 30 seconds and I am terrified she will leave

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30311515/sex-girlfriend-lasts-only-30-seconds/

I CAN’T last longer than 30 seconds during sex with my girlfriend. We’re both 25 and have been together for five years. We’ve always had a good, sex life, but recently my performance has been shocking. I have such intense orgasms that I just can’t hold back, but it’s beginning to affect our relationship. My girlfriend gets next to no pleasure, and no matter what I do, I cannot last. She’s beginning to feel that the intimacy in our relationship is gone, and I’m terrified she’ll leave me. How do I solve this issue?

One helpful technique is to really familiarise yourself with the feelings you have leading up to climax – when you are on your own. Start to hold yourself back from orgasming just before the point of no return. As you become more adept you can do this multiple times during one session and then try this when you are with your girlfriend. My support pack Want To Last Longer? has more techniques to try.

SWITCH UP

Since moving in together my boyfriend has turned into a different person

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30293660/since-moving-in-together-boyfriend-different-person/

EARLY in our relationship, my partner seemed like the ideal boyfriend - loving, affectionate and caring. But since we’ve moved in together, he’s become an entirely different person. He doesn’t like being touched so sex is miserable, and he lies compulsively - even about the smallest things, like whether he ate the last chocolate. I’m 28 and he’s 30. When we met, my partner claimed to have had several relationships and to have slept with over 50 women. It turns out that was part of a fabricated identity, which he constructed in order to impress me. In reality, he has barely dated and has intimacy issues. He doesn’t like kissing me and complains if I try to hug or kiss him. In bed, I have to do all the work. He also tells so many little white lies that it’s hard to know what’s true. For example, I honestly don’t care if he accidentally broke a cup and threw it away, but he’ll lie and say he has no idea where the cup is. It makes it hard to trust him about anything. I’m starting to realise he has a lot of issues from his childhood, and I do sympathise, but that doesn’t excuse his behaviour. Sometimes, he turns his back on me when I’m trying to talk to him, or throws a tantrum if I disagree with him. He never takes me out anywhere or makes any effort to show he cares. I feel unloved. He’s not the man I thought he was, but I still love him. Can our relationship be saved?

If your partner had a turbulent childhood, he may well have adopted the habit of lying to avoid confrontation. Try to reassure him by calmly talking through any concerns with him. Explain his behaviour unsettles you and makes you question if you can trust him. Explain you feel unloved and are deeply unhappy. Unless something changes, then you are only going to feel increasingly miserable. Give him my support pack, Abused As A child, and ask him to consider getting help with his issues. It’s also important for you to ask yourself why you want to stay with someone who has deceived you. My support pack, Addictive Love, may be helpful. You should both think about having counselling. Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org).

DEAR DEIDRE

My husband told me that his mistress reminded him of me back in the day

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30200808/husband-mistress-reminded-him-of-me/

MY husband had the cheek to tell me that his mistress reminded him of me – the me from 30 years ago. I am 58 and my husband is 59. We have been together for 32 years. We were very much in love and led a carefree existence back then. We went on to have two, now grown-up children and I always thought we were happy together. My husband landed a fantastic job five years ago that often takes him to Dubai. I had no idea anything was wrong until I noticed suspicious transactions on his credit card bill. One was for a spa session, others were for ­jewellery, champagne and lingerie. He hasn’t bothered buying me gifts for ages, so they clearly weren’t meant for me. I had a sick feeling in my stomach that something was going on. When I confronted him, he ­admitted that he had been having sex with a much younger colleague but promised me it had finished. I don’t know why he told me this woman, who is in her 30s, reminded him of me all those years ago. Perhaps he thought it was a kind of justification but it devastated me. His comment has made me feel older than ever, and less attractive than when we met — and now I can’t stop thinking about this woman. He is due to travel to Dubai again soon for a couple of weeks, and I am wondering whether I should ­accompany him. I am becoming increasingly anxious about this trip.

Perhaps his comment was a misguided attempt to reassure you. Understandably it may have had the opposite effect, underlining that you are decades older than when you met. It’s no wonder your trust in your ­husband has been destroyed. You need to be certain that this affair is over, and your anxiety is a sign that all is not well in your relationship. Talk to him and explain what you want and need from him. Ask him to be honest with you but don’t dwell on this woman’s age. You may be older but so is he. And with age comes plenty of other benefits, so try to focus on those. He must be prepared to work hard to convince you he loves you, and only you. While you can’t be with him 24/7, could you go out and stay with him for a break at the end of his next trip? My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help.

SO BETRAYED

I feel let down by my stepbrother after he started seeing my ex following split

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30201235/stepbrother-seeing-my-ex-split/

MY stepbrother fell apart when he split up with his girlfriend and I did everything I could to help him get back on track. Yet he has repaid me by seeing my ex, someone I went out with for six months. I am gutted and feel betrayed by both of them. I am 26 and live at home with my mum and stepdad. My stepbrother is 29 and after his last relationship ended he moved back in with us until he started a new job and found his own flat. I involved him in anything I could to help him get back on his feet. We went to the gym together, he socialised with a lot of my mates and it seemed to help him to move on. At the time I was seeing a girl who lives in the same street. I am good friends with her brother. We had some good times but ultimately she messed me about. She used me and it took a while for me to work it out. I confided in my stepbrother as a shoulder to cry on. After he moved into his new flat, I found out that my ex had contacted him and they are now seeing one another. I’m so hurt and didn’t see this coming. I feel particularly let down by him.

This must feel like a kick in the teeth after all you have done for your stepbrother, but none of us have rights over our exes. You don’t own either of them and can’t stop them seeing each other. The chances are this romance won’t last because she will treat him just as badly. Still, you’d be far better off and happier concentrating on your own life and leaving them to work it out between themselves. Distance yourself from their relationship and focus on your wellbeing. My support pack Mend Your Broken Heart will help you move on.

RUINING MY LIFE

I am embarrassed about size of my penis, my self-esteem has hit rock bottom

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30201014/embarrassed-small-penis-self-esteem/

I AM so embarrassed about the size of my small penis. I’m a 32-year-old single man. I first noticed I was different from other boys after PE lessons at school. Shower time became something I dreaded. It was obvious I didn’t measure up to the other pupils around me. As I got older, using public urinals became challenging – I feel really uncomfortable and embarrassed. I have had girlfriends but the relationships never last long. No woman has ever commented on how small I am but I know that is what they are thinking. They probably feel sorry for me. I feel like a rubbish excuse for a man, and it’s put me off trying to find another girl. My confidence and self-esteem are at rock bottom. Is there anything I can do or am I destined to be single for the rest of my life?

Good sex isn’t about the size of your penis, it is about your confidence. And sexual satisfaction doesn’t come from the penis alone. A man can be a good lover, no matter his size. A good lover is someone caring and considerate, who wants to ensure their partner is fully satisfied. Most women reach orgasm when the clitoris is stimulated in the right way. Since this is outside the vagina, it is not directly stimulated by the penis. My support pack Exciting Foreplay will tell you more.

DEAR DEIDRE

My sex-obsessed boyfriend has tried to seduce my mum while she was washing up

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30187861/sex-obsessed-boyfriend-seduce-mum/

MY sex-obsessed boyfriend has even tried to seduce my mum. When she first told me that he’d gone into the kitchen while she was washing up, approached her close from behind and ­whispered in her ear that he was desperate to have her, I wanted to assume she was joking. But he has got form so I couldn’t deny what she was telling me. It shattered my heart. How could he do this to me? I’m 25, my boyfriend is 32 and mum is 48. We’ve been together for three years and have just moved into our first house together. Soon after, the cracks in the relationship began to show. We have an attractive neighbour who’s a similar age to me. She lives with her parents, but ever since we moved in, my boyfriend can’t stay away from her. He would often flirt with her over the fence, and when I snooped through his phone, I found out they’d slept together. He admitted he’d got carried away after meeting her in a bar one night but blamed me — ­saying I wasn’t giving him enough sex to satisfy his needs. Yet we’ve always had a very active sex life, to the point where we sometimes had sex several times a day. Instead of ending it, we decided to work on our relationship, but now he has proved it was all for nothing. He’s used the same old excuse of having too much to drink and that my mum’s a “Milf” but the reality is he is obsessed with sex. He’s ­shattered my self-confidence, and I keep asking myself: what is wrong with me? My boyfriend insists he wants a committed relationship but has spent most of his adult life ­single and sleeping around. I’ve tried to leave, but he’s using his mental health to manipulate me into staying. I pictured us building our own home and having two or three children. Now I can’t even stand the sight of him.

You know this man is not right for you. He has cheated and even tried to seduce your own mother. Manipulating you into staying also shows what kind of person he is. You deserve someone who doesn’t cheat, who is loyal, and who treats you and your family with respect. I normally encourage couples to try to work through infidelity but this man does not seem capable. My support pack Ending A Relationship will help you to leave him, while my pack Standing Up For Yourself will help you to be more assertive. Finally, my pack on Raising Self-Esteem will help you get your confidence back and feel more positive about yourself.

Dear Deidre

My daughter won’t accept her married lover is only using her for sex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30245190/daughter-cant-see-boyfriend-using-her/

My daughter has fallen for a married man with a terrible reputation and I know he’s only using her sex. She’s completely in love and won’t hear that he’s just using her. I’m a 59-year-old man, and my daughter is 27. I believe the man she’s seeing is in his early 40s, and married with a child. My daughter is gorgeous but has always been unlucky in love. She’s had her heart broken several times, and always seems to pick men who treat her poorly. So when she told me she’d met a lovely guy at work, who treated her well, had a good job and wanted a future with her, I was delighted. My wife and I invited him to Sunday lunch, but she always made excuses as to why he couldn’t come. Eventually, she admitted it was because he has a family, who he spends his weekends with. She claimed he and his wife are ‘separated’, and only live together because of their child. But I started asking around about this man and I learned that he has form for serial cheating. He particularly likes sex with younger women. From what I can tell he’s set up home with my daughter during the week and then goes home to play happy families on the weekends. This isn’t the first time he’s done this. When I tried to talk to my daughter about it, she got very upset. She said he had only cheated once in the past, and that was because he was so unhappily married. With her, she said, it’s different: he really loves her and will soon leave his wife for her. I know this type of man. She’s my little girl - she deserves better than this. I can’t bear to see her hurt. What should I do?

Watching someone you love make a huge mistake is painfully frustrating. But your daughter is an adult, old enough to make her own decisions. You can’t make her end the affair. You’ve told her what you’ve learned and how you feel. The more you repeat this, the more you could push her into his arms - and spoil your own relationship. Make it clear to her that you’re there for her if she ever wants to talk. Hopefully, what you’ve said will have sunk in, and she'll begin to have doubts herself. My support pack. Your Lover Not Free, might be helpful for you to read.

MEAN BEHAVIOUR

My jobless son-in-law behaves like child and puts my daughter down

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30188046/son-in-law-behaves-like-child/

MY son-in-law behaves like a ten-year-old child even though he’s in his 30s. My daughter and her ­husband have been ­married for five years and share a beautiful daughter. At first, I thought he was the perfect man for her, but now I wish they would get divorced. All he does all day is watch football and sit on the sofa. He doesn’t have a job. Whenever my daughter, 31, goes out, he calls her every 30 minutes, demanding to know where she is and with whom. She barely sees her friends as it’s easier than dealing with him. My daughter has tried to speak with him about his behaviour, but he blames ADHD, which he hasn’t been diagnosed with. He puts her down all the time. How can I help my daughter, who is struggling?

Your daughter’s husband is controlling her. Give her my pack Abusive Partner, which explains more. Either she should leave him or he needs to get help so they can have a healthy relationship.

Purchase

I want to leave my sugar daddy for a younger man but I'll miss the sex and gifts

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30208262/sugar-daddy-miss-sex-gifts/

I’m thinking of telling my sugar daddy that I’ve met a younger man and to finish with him. I’ll miss the sex and the gifts though. I’m a woman of 40 and I’ve been seeing a married man of 57 for two years. His wife has a disability so they can’t have sex but he loves her and won’t commit to me. Our relationship is friends with benefits. We have sex and he buys me expensive jewellery. I don’t complain but I do feel unfulfilled. My sister introduced me to one of her colleagues at her 30th birthday party. He’s 36 and great fun. Even though he’s a little younger than me we have a real spark between us. Perhaps he’s my Mr Right. Should I tell my lover that our arrangement is now over?

Your current relationship isn’t giving you anything but sex and jewellery and you know you’re worth more than being somebody’s booty-call. This relationship will never change - he’s been clear about that - so if you’re looking for a real partnership, it would be better for you to end it. My support pack on Ending A Relationship will show you how. You will then be free to develop this relationship with the guy you met at the party, if this is where you feel your heart is. My support pack called Your Lover Not Free which explains more about these sorts of relationships.

DEAR DEIDRE

Risky sex sessions with office lover are becoming too hard work

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30166705/risky-sex-sessions-office-lover-hard-work/

DEBAUCHED sex sessions with a woman in my office are becoming too much like hard work. She’s so demanding that I’m worried my colleagues - and my wife - will find out. She even started following me into the men’s loos for a quickie. I’m 35 and manage an estate agency. She’s 28 and does admin. Our affair started soon after she joined the agency. She is gorgeous and very flirty, and we had a laugh together. One day, we were both working late in the office after everyone else had gone home. She started playing footsie with me under the desk, and it really turned me on. Then she confided that she was really unhappy with her partner, because he’s boring in bed and won’t ever give her oral sex - which she loves. I’m married to a lovely woman, but our sex life has been so dull lately too. I have a higher sex drive than her. I ended up giving my colleague oral sex under the desk. After that, we progressed to full sex whenever we got the chance. But she started to take big risks - coming up behind me while other people are around and touching me, or herself. I think she likes the dangerous thrill of almost getting caught. I liked it too, at first. But she’s started going too far. Following me into the loos uninvited while my team was outside crossed the line for me. And worse, she once called me at home in the evening saying she wanted to meet up. I had to make excuses to my wife. I know what we’re doing is wrong, and I need to end the relationship, but I’m worried how she’ll react - especially as I’m her boss. What can I do?

You’ve been playing with fire. Now it’s time to be firm and clear, with yourself as well as her. This has to stop. You are both in relationships with other people, and you are both risking your reputations and your jobs. Tell her you’ve loved being with her but this has gone too far now and you both have to be professional in the office, and work on your own relationships at home. And don’t let yourself be tempted again. If you’re not happy with your sex life with your wife, think about how it can be improved. My support packs, Looking After Your Relationship, and Different Sex Drives will help.

LOVE WOES

My wife says she is straight - is she cheating on me with rounders teammate?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30188137/wife-cheating-rounders-teammate/

IS my wife cheating on me with her rounders teammate? We’re both 41 and have been together for ten years. Recently my wife has started hanging out with her rounders teammates, some of whom are bisexual. She joined the team after a pal asked her along and I’ve hardly seen her since. She’s out every night with this group, and there’s one older woman who she speaks to every day. My wife insists they are just friends, but she never stops talking about her. I’m ­worried there is chemistry between them, and my wife is cheating on me. My wife has always said she is straight, but I no longer believe her.

Pick a moment to speak to her about how you are feeling. While she talks to one of her teammates a lot, you may be reading too much into this. Perhaps this is a wake-up call that you’ve started to take each other for granted. Try to focus on making time for each other to build a better relationship.

SEXLESS MARRIAGE

I want to reignite spark with my wife after losing all feeling in my penis

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30188556/no-sex-marriage-feeling-penis/

MY sex life plummeted after I lost all feeling in my penis. I’m 55 and can only enjoy some level of sexual relief through masturbation. But it takes me so long that I’m often there for what seems like hours. Over the years, I’ve struggled with my mental health, but this year I reached my lowest point and I’m now on anti-depressants. One of the side-effects was a decreased libido, and I couldn’t get an erection any more. Now my sex life has completely stopped. My 50-year-old wife and I have been married for 30 years, and we’ve always had a brilliant love life. My wife insists that she doesn’t mind not having sex if it means that my health is better – she doesn’t want to see me go through depression again. But I miss the closeness and intimacy we once shared. Sharing a bed and having a kiss is lovely, but it’s not curbing my appetite. I want to show my wife how much I love her, yet I can’t any more. We’ve tried everything, but nothing seems to work except for masturbating on my own. I went through some counselling to explore my feelings more, which ended up helping, but I still have to use my medication to ensure I don’t get low again. Now I’m worried my sex life is over and that my wife may soon grow tired of our sexless marriage. How can I reignite the spark for us?

Looking after your mental health is the most important thing. Unfortunately, anti-depressants can cause low libido, but given you can get an erection and want to be intimate, advice from a visit to the GP may benefit you. They may be able to alter your medication or offer you some more help on this issue. What’s clear is that things are still working physically, as you can masturbate. You can also still be intimate with your wife without having intercourse. This could be done through oral sex or massage, for example. In the meantime, my support pack Find It Hard To Climax can help you at this time.

TRUST ISSUES

Should I forgive my friend after she turned on me?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30166703/should-forgive-friend-after-turned-on-me/

MY friendship group turned on me, and I felt so hurt, betrayed and angry. Now one of them wants to be mates again but I don’t know if I can trust her. I’m 16 and my three friends are too. We’ve hung around together since we started secondary school. But a few weeks ago, one of them started chatting about me behind my back, telling lies about what I’d said about her boyfriend. The others believed her and stopped talking to me, even my best mate. Now she’s realised that the first girl was lying and she’s said she’s so sorry. She wants everything to go back to normal. Should I forgive her?

Sadly, friends do sometimes grow apart or fall out, and groups don’t always last. It sounds like your best mate has realised she was wrong and wants to make amends. If you care about her, it’s worth talking to her and giving her a second chance. Tell her how upset you are and ask her to explain why she believed your other friend over you. My support pack, Rows With Friends, should help.

NO SLEEP

Horrible nightmares are ruining my life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30128377/horrible-nightmares-are-ruining-my-life/

HORRIBLE nightmares wake me up almost every night, and I’m at the end of my tether. The lack of sleep makes me feel ill and exhausted, and I can’t focus on my work. My wife has had to move into the spare room as otherwise she can’t sleep either, so this is really affecting our relationship. I’m a 49-year-old man. My wife is 48. Although I don’t always remember the nightmares, I wake up from them in a cold sweat, with my heart pounding. My doctor says there’s nothing wrong with me, other than sleep deprivation. He has given me sleeping tablets but they don’t stop the nightmares, and just make me woozy the next morning. Since this began, I’ve put on weight, had problems with my memory and felt too lethargic to exercise. I also get colds and infections all the time. I often feel I can’t carry on like this and wonder if I should end it all. Please help.

Your nightmares sound so distressing and debilitating. If they are affecting you so much that you sometimes feel suicidal, it is important that you see your doctor again – or another GP – and ask to be referred to a specialist. Frequent nightmares can be linked to certain health conditions, so it is important your issue is taken seriously. A sleep clinic may be able to help. In the meantime, if you ever feel you can’t go on, please call The Samaritans (samaritans.org, tel: 116 123).

THANK YOU

When I was caught between my partner and my son, you helped me through

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30293656/caught-between-partner-son-helped-me-through/

CAUGHT between my partner and my son, I was in turmoil. Although I loved my partner, he didn’t get on with my son from my previous relationship, and I found myself constantly caught between them. I’m 44 and my partner is 48. My son is 15 and lives with his dad. At the time I first wrote, my relationship with my partner had soured because he’d found out I’d lied to him about my son’s drinking - which I did to protect my son. He stopped trusting me and became controlling and nasty, leading me to leave. We then got back together but my son said if I stayed with my partner he’d stop speaking to me. You were so understanding and helpful, and wrote back to me several times, as the situation developed. You suggested counselling, and sent me support packs, including Standing Up For Yourself. When I finally decided to put my son first and leave the relationship for good, you reassured me I’d made the right choice for me, and helped me to deal with my sadness. I’m so grateful, Deidre.

You made a very difficult, brave decision. By prioritising your child you have given him the best chance and safeguarded that important relationship. Sometimes love isn’t always enough to make a romantic relationship healthy.

SO LOW

I'm devastated by the end of my emotional affair

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30128374/devastated-by-end-of-emotional-affair/

THE end of my emotional affair has devastated me and I don’t know how to move on. Even though my male friend and I only sexted, it feels like a major break-up. I can’t stop crying, and I don’t know how to explain this to my husband. I’m 39 and my husband is 40. The man I had the “affair” with is 38. He and I met at work and were friends for years. It was a flirty relationship, but as we were both married, didn’t intend anything happening between us. Then a few months ago, he confided in me that he was unhappy at home. I admitted things weren’t great with my husband either. He no longer complimented me or wanted to talk, and our sex life had grown stale. My friend and I grew closer and one evening, when he was drunk, he sent a suggestive message. To my surprise, it made me feel really excited, so I responded with a naughty message. This progressed to video chats and sending explicit photos. It was such fun. But then his wife walked in while he was talking to me and nearly caught us. He said we had to end our friendship, as it was too risky. We’ve since blocked each other, but I’m bereft and miss him so much.

Hard as it may be, ending this “emotional affair” is for the best. Had it carried on, it is likely it would have progressed to a full-blown physical affair. It was a pleasant distraction from your problems with your husband, which you now need to fix. Tell him that you miss intimacy and want to get things back on track. Read my support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, for more on how to do this. As for getting over your friend, see Mend Your Broken Heart, for more advice. Talking to a counsellor could help you too.

WORN OUT

I feel exhausted and depressed since renovation work started on my house

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30445049/exhausted-depressed-house-renovation/

SINCE renovation work started on my house late last year I have developed flu-like symptoms. I’m very stressed as the house is still not finished. I’m tired all the time and just want to sleep. I have panic attacks, depression and anxiety but several blood tests found nothing to be wrong. I am always blowing my nose. The doctor thinks it is down to my depression and anxiety. I feel rubbish every day. I don’t even want sex. I have no energy and cannot be bothered to eat unless food is cooked for me. I am nearly 63. I feel like giving in as I’ve had enough of everything.

I’ve worked with Dr Zoe Williams, our resident specialist and practising NHS GP on your email. She suggests your symptoms could be caused by depression, burnout or other mental health conditions, or physical health problems – including infection, or any chronic disease. It is interesting your symptoms began around the time of your renovations – it’s worth investigating if there is a link. Dr Zoe suggests: “You may have been exposed to something at that time that triggered an autoimmune or chronic illness, or could have been exposed to fungus or bacteria that could have triggered something. “Chronic fatigue syndrome is another condition that fits with your symptoms.” Please go back to your GP and ask for a second opinion.

NASTY EX

My ex has said some truly shocking things about my new wife

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30114461/ex-shocking-things-new-wife/

THERE have been some truly shocking things said by my ex about my new wife, who has just become a mum to our beautiful baby daughter. My wife and I are in our early thirties. I also have a ten-year-old daughter from my previous relationship. We split up five years ago and our daughter stays with us every weekend. Recently, she has started to complain that we ignore her and don’t care about her. She’s decided she hates my wife and no longer loves me. She moans that I don’t want to spend any time with her since her baby sister arrived six weeks ago. I know my toxic ex is behind all this nastiness and insecurity. We have received some disgusting allegations from her, to the point where we are considering legal action for slander. This is massively affecting my mental health because I would do anything for both of my daughters. I feel as though my new wife, who has post-natal depression has become the scapegoat. My ex has found every reason in the book to call me a bad parent ever since we broke up. She even tells our daughter that I am a bad father, and I fear that this is now really beginning to influence her.

You and your ex might have fallen out, but it is cruel to put her desire for revenge over your daughter’s best interests. Regardless of her feelings for you, mani-pulating your daughter and slandering you is mean and unjust. Contact Families Need Fathers (fnf.org.uk, 0300 0300 363), who can help and offer legal advice. You should also talk to The Association For Post Natal Illness (apni.org, 0207 386 0868). My support pack, When Parents Fall Out, explains more about children’s feelings and needs in these situations.

FAMILY TRAGEDY

Local car crash brought back memories of my brother’s death in road accident

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30114194/car-crash-brothers-death-accident-road/

READING about a local woman killed in a car crash has brought back the horror of my brother’s death in an accident on the same stretch of road. I am a 51-year-old man and my brother died almost 30 years ago. He was 24. The crash happened because the driver of the other car had a blackout and ploughed into him. He also died at the scene. Since I read about this young woman’s car accident, my brother’s death has been going round and round in my head constantly. I was very close to him and it took me a long time to come to terms with what happened and try to continue with my life. I am struggling to sleep and each time I close my eyes I can picture it all as if it was yesterday. I have bottled it all up, as I thought that was the best way to cope.

I am sorry your brother died in such tragic circumstances. Reading about this woman has triggered painful memories but it is not too late to seek support. Contact an organisation called The Compassionate Friends which can help you (tcf.org.uk, 0345 123 2304). It is never too late to seek help and advice. In the meantime, my support pack Coping With Bereavement will be useful as well.

SO AWFUL

I racked up debts due to mental health problems but my wife is using it against me

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30188272/debt-problems-mental-health-wife/

I HAVE debt problems but my wife is using it against me. In the 20 years we’ve been together, I’ve always worked a nine-to-five job while she was a stay-at-home mum to our three children. We’re both 53. Shortly after Christmas last year, I began to struggle with my mental health. As a result, I began to feel exhausted, often coming home and going straight to bed at 6pm. I started seeking out counselling but at the same time I slowly lost my grip on our finances. My wife took over and found out I’d forgotten to pay most of our bills and had racked up a huge debt. She was not happy and it led to huge arguments. When my wife found out how badly we were in debt, she laid into me, and I felt like I deserved it. It’s eight months on now but she still won’t let it go. She constantly puts me down, telling me I’m useless, criticising my appearance and saying that I need to lose the weight I’ve gained. She’s even called me some ­horrendous ­nicknames like “whale”. I didn’t even put on that much weight when I was ill. Now she says she doesn’t need me any more and can do things for herself. The comments are so awful that I avoid her at all costs. We hardly talk to each other and don’t even give each other a peck on the cheek. My biggest fear is that if I leave her, she will stop me from seeing our ­children. I lost enough time with them when I was unwell and I’m trying to make up for any damage I may have caused. I’ve lost my wife, and now I don’t want to lose my children.

Your partner is verbally abusing you. Whether she is angry at the situation you both found yourselves in or not, her behaviour is unacceptable. If you both want to save this relationship, this needs to stop. My support packs, Looking After Your Relationship and Abusive Partner, will help you during this difficult time. If you’re still suffering from any mental health issues, please speak to your GP. They might be able to help arrange for you to see a counsellor. You may have made some financial mistakes but constantly berating you won’t improve your prospects – only working together will.

SO CONFUSED

My male friend sexually assaults me - why am I always drawn back to him?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30166702/male-friend-sexually-assaults-drawn-back/

I’M in a toxic friendship with a male friend who has sexually assaulted me on several occasions, and I can’t understand why I keep being drawn back to him. Part of me thinks I should report him to the police, but he says if I do that, he’ll kill himself. I don’t want him to go to prison, but I need him to understand that what he’s doing is wrong. I’m 26 and he’s 27. We’ve known each other since university days. When we were younger he told me he wanted to be with me, but I said I wasn’t interested and just wanted to be friends. Over the years, we’ve grown very close and often spend evenings together, drinking, or watching movies. Sometimes he stays over at my flat, on the sofa, if he gets too drunk to drive. But several times, I have woken up to find him touching me intimately. When this happens, I freeze and don’t say anything. But the next day, when I confront him about it, he claims he has no memory of what happened. A couple of times after he’s done this, I have felt so sick that I’ve stopped talking to him for weeks or even months. But I miss his company and always end up getting friendly with him again. It’s made more complicated by the fact that sometimes, I have agreed to kiss him, and once I gave him oral sex after he pestered me for it. I know this situation isn’t healthy and I am so confused about what’s going on. Please help.

This man has sexually assaulted you on many occasions. It doesn’t matter if you’ve kissed him or given him oral sex before - which happened under duress, so you didn’t willingly consent - you were asleep and did not want this. This isn’t your fault and you haven’t led him on. He’s a sexual predator, taking advantage of your friendship. Threatening suicide is just more of his manipulation. Being sexually assaulted, especially by someone you care about, can be very confusing. It would really help for you to talk to someone about this in confidence. They can support you and advise you on going to the police. Contact Rape Crisis (rapecrisis.org.uk, tel: 0808 500 2222) and read my sexual assault support pack.

My boyfriend has sentenced me to a life of no intimacy

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30149123/boyfriend-sentenced-me-life-no-intimacy/

TO the outside world, my boyfriend and I have the perfect relationship - but the reality is our sex life is non-existent. I’m 29, he’s 31, and we’ve been together for four years. At the beginning, we struggled to keep our hands off of each other, and our sexual chemistry was electric. Over time I expected things to slow down, but nothing could have prepared me for things to die out completely. It’s now been four months since we last had sex, and no matter what I do, my boyfriend is never interested. Every time I've tried to talk to him, he’s told me that he only enjoys the thrill of the chase - but now we’re in a relationship, the chase is over. I’ve tried everything, from sending him flirty text messages to dressing up in sexy lingerie, but nothing works. I love him so much, but I can’t bear the idea of never having sex again.

While your partner is satisfied with no sex, it’s unfair to spring a life of no intimacy on you. The longer he chooses to ignore the issue, the worse things will get. Your feelings of resentfulness will grow, ultimately dooming your relationship. Find a moment to talk to him and tell him how you’re feeling. Explain that sex is important to you, and if he’s not willing to work on things, your relationship won’t last. I’m sending you my support pack, Different Sex Drives? to help. Also consider some sex and relationship counselling. Contact the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk).

NOT MADE OF MONEY

Our adult son wants to go travelling - but wants me & his dad to fund it

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30084838/fund-adult-son-travelling/

OUR son is keen to pack up the life he has here to travel, but he wants me and his dad to fund it. He’s 26 and has had a lot of issues with his health, and he is in a job he dislikes. I’m his mum and I’m 49. His dad is 51. Our son broke his shoulder in a cycling accident. He’s been in a lot of pain and it’s made him depressed. He was dreading going back to work and, although he did return, he found the strain of physical building really painful. He phoned us last week asking if we would help him go abroad for a while, but we aren’t made of money – and I know if I give him the cash, we won’t see it again. Also, when he comes home, he’ll expect to move back in with us – something neither of us wants as he doesn’t get on with the other three children, who are all younger. I can’t sleep with the worry of it all.

He is a man who is now responsible for his own future and, although you want to be there for him after his accident, it may be better all round if you support him emotionally. Explain that you aren’t able to assist financially, but offer to help devise a budget plan so he can save for his trip. He could also talk to his employers about keeping his job open or getting a sabbatical. My support pack, Family Finances, will help.

EVICTION FEAR

I'm scared of eviction after falling behind on rent due to benefits change

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30084898/eviction-fears-falling-behind-rent/

I’M terrified I’m going to fall behind with my rent and fear I’ll get evicted. I only just stopped it happening three years ago. I’m a man aged 61 and live on benefits. In 2021, I started a job in a factory but they decided my eyesight wasn’t good enough for the intricate work so I was only there for a fortnight. Within that time, I couldn’t receive my jobseeker’s allowance and quickly fell into arrears. The housing association is hot on this matter so I had a threat to evict me within a week. Luckily my sister lent me some money until I got straight. I’ve now been told that I’m moving from job seeker’s allowance to universal credit. I’m so scared that it won’t be an easy transition because of all the paperwork. I feel like doing myself in because I can’t sleep and I’m living on reduced-price food so that I don’t overspend.

It’s better to be proactive than to lose sleep worrying. Contact your housing association, preferably by email, to put them on notice that your benefit is changing. If you’re due to pay rent and don’t think you’re going to have your benefit before you have the new universal credit payment, you can ask for an advance but contact Citizen’s Advice for the best way to tackle this. If you still feel low, or you are suicidal, contact samaritans.org, (116 123) or text SHOUT to 85258 (giveusashout.org).

DEAR DEIDRE

My girlfriend is going on holiday with mates and I know she'll end up cheating

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30084798/girlfriend-holiday-mates-cheating/

MY girlfriend is the sexiest woman I know and she attracts a lot of attention – male and female – every time she goes out. She also has an incredibly high sex drive. She is a lovely person, but has admitted she got carried away a few times. I know she has had sex with at least one other man and, on a separate occasion, a woman. She says she can’t help herself and tells me not to get hung up — that it’s only ever physical. She says I’m the only one she has feelings for. I’ve tried not to care, but her infidelities and constant need for sexual attention upset me. She’s going on holiday with her mates soon and I know she’ll end up cheating. She dances provocatively, is really chatty and flirty and she sunbathes topless. We’ve been together for two years and are both 31. She is beautiful, has a gorgeous figure and, when we got together, I couldn’t believe my luck. She flirted like mad with me in a club and then we started kissing. I texted her the next day and we went on a date. She told me that she’d never met anyone like me before, but I know I am punching. We moved in together quickly and still can’t keep our hands off each other. I’ve stayed faithful throughout, but she has told me she’s had a couple of flings, and each time she says they’ve meant nothing to her. She’s buzzing about going to Spain with friends, but I’m terrified she’ll stray and that it could turn into something serious.

You can’t control whether she goes or not, but why would you put up with her trampling over your emotions when she cheats on you? You can’t accept this poor behaviour because you think she’s the trophy girlfriend. My guess is that you’re looking for a long-lasting relationship and she isn’t bothered either way. By being so accepting of her having her “physical thing” with other people, you’re not valuing yourself. You haven’t discussed an open relationship and it’s clear that isn’t what you want anyway. If she loved you, she wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings or risk your relationship. Find a moment when you are both calm and quiet to tell her you hope she has a lovely holiday, but the cheating needs to stop. If she does anything like that again, you’ll be asking her to leave.

DEAR DEIDRE

My husband is obsessed with idea of me having 'massage' from another man

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30113304/husband-obsessed-idea-massage-man/

I CAN’T accept the idea of having a “massage” from another man while my husband watches – but he is obsessed with it. I was hoping he’d forget about his fantasy in time. But no matter how much I try to put him off, he keeps coming back to it. He actually wants to watch me getting the massage. And although he hasn’t spelled it out, I know in his imagination it leads to sex. The thought of being with another man while my husband watches is so bizarre to me. It isn’t something I want to do and yet he keeps trying to engineer the situation. We’re in our late forties and have been married for 17 years. We are both professional people who work full-time, and I admit that sometimes our sex life falls by the wayside. My husband says he has had this desire for ages, but hasn’t had the courage to talk to me about it. He only managed to tell me after a few drinks. He suggested getting a mobile male masseur, but I panicked and said I didn’t like the idea of it in our own home. So then he suggested we try a massage parlour somewhere. I flatly refused, saying I wouldn’t be seen dead in such a place. Now we’re going on holiday in a month and he keeps talking about booking someone to visit our hotel room. He’s even started to talk about “directing the masseur as they work on me”. The thought of it makes me cringe, but I’m wondering if I should do it — just while we’re on holiday — to get it over and done with. Otherwise, I’m worried our marriage could be at risk.

It is not uncommon for successful people to find being passive in sex a huge turn-on. Some people are aroused by the thought of seeing another man have sex with their partner. It is a contrast to the pressures of everyday life. But often, turning fantasies into reality ends in disappointment. Someone usually ends up feeling emotionally hurt or used, and that can damage your relationship. Nobody should be pressured into doing anything against their will so, if you are not keen, suggest other ways to spice up your sex life. Could he massage you while you direct him? My support pack, 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex, will help.

DEAR DEIDRE

I'm sexting my ex-husband and I'm desperate for him - but we've both re-married

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30073921/sexting-ex-husband-remarried/

IT’S more than 20 years since I split up with my husband but I have been sexting him. He was my first love and he’s under my skin again — I feel like I’ve lost my mind to him. We are desperate for each other but it’s far from straightforward. We have both remarried and have children with our current spouses. And I admit that I am scared of being hurt by him. I am 56 and my ex is 58. We met at school and probably married too young, in our early twenties. We went on to have two beautiful daughters who are now grown up. We were happy for the first few years but, over time, I started to feel he was taking me for granted. Feeling neglected, I cheated on him with a colleague. I regretted it instantly. It only happened once, but he found out and was devastated. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal He couldn’t even look at me and ended up filing for divorce a month later. When he met someone new and went on to have a child with her, I was devastated and knew I had no choice but to move on. In time, I married and had another child. But at the beginning of this year, we bumped into each other in a supermarket and I realised how much I missed my ex. I was delighted when he said he’d love to see me again. We’ve been in constant contact, including sexting, and have met twice. It took all our self-control to resist each other in those meetings. We are both in loveless marriages and feel life is too short to be apart any longer. We want to try again, but are prepared to take it slowly.

First love has deep roots, but that doesn’t mean it would be right the second time around. While having the occasional thought about an ex is normal, you’d be unwise to go there. You weren’t a good match because, if you had been, you would still be together. Remind yourself of that every time you think about starting afresh. For the sake of your relationship, let go of your ex and leave him in the past where he belongs. Tell your husband you need to work together to make your relationship more satisfying. Counselling can help, so find support via tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960). My support pack, Torn Between Two Men, will help.

OFF LIMITS

My girlfriend's religious beliefs mean we can't have sex and I am struggling

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30073930/girlfriend-religious-beliefs-no-sex/

WHILE I respect my girlfriend’s values, I am struggling with the lack of sex in our relationship. I am 27 and she is 25. We have been together for almost three years and, although we are very close and intimate, we are not having sex. My girlfriend is Muslim and, though I acknowledge her beliefs, I am finding it very difficult to go without sex. I love her very much. We are good together. I don’t want to put pressure on her but it is increasingly difficult for me, especially when I am so attracted to her. I have sexual urges which I am struggling to control. We both live with our parents. I have had sex with previous partners but my girlfriend says it is against her religion. I am going along with that because I don’t want to end the relationship or get hurt, but physically I am struggling.

It’s time to have an honest conversation. You both need to discuss where you see your relationship going. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal Talk to her and let her know you are struggling physically, and listen to what she has to say. If sex is off the cards until she is married, you need to have an honest conversation. Would you need to convert? Would you consider that? Do you even want to get married? You’ll only be able to work this through, or come to the conclusion that you need to both go your separate ways, if you can be honest.

MIXED SIGNALS

I've met an amazing man but he's constantly blowing hot and cold

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30166700/met-amazing-man-constantly-blowing-hot-cold/

THE guy I met on Grindr is great in bed, but he’s blowing hot and cold with the way he treats me. Although we have lots in common and have been meeting regularly - and he says he really likes me and wants a future - he’s often unavailable. I’m not sure if I should trust him. I’m a 27-year-old man, and he’s 30. When we first hooked up I wasn’t planning on getting into anything romantic, but we got on so well and had such good chemistry that we fell into a relationship. Every time we meet, which is about once a week, we have sex and then spoon all night. We’ve talked a lot, he claims he’s told all his friends about me and he has invited me on holiday with him. But sometimes, he goes AWOL for three or four days at a time - even missing arranged dates. Then he’ll pop back into my DMs and want to video chat for hours. He’ll say he was sick, had work or family stuff - all conceivably true excuses alone, but it happens so often I’m starting to doubt him. I don’t want to come over as clingy or needy but this isn’t fair. What should I do?

His behaviour is confusing, so it’s natural you’re having doubts. It’s possible he is seeing other guys, which isn’t fair given what he’s said to you. Do make sure you’re having safe sex. If you don’t want to ask him straight out what’s going on - and there’s no guarantee he’d answer honestly - give yourself a time limit for things to change. If they don’t, it’s probably wise to end things before you get really hurt.

YOUNG LOVE

I am worried about my son's relationship with American girl he met online

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30073923/i-am-worried-about-my-sons-relationship-with-american-girl-he-met-online/

MY son has always been socially awkward, rarely mixing and never showing interest in girls. So you can imagine my surprise when he said he was going to university. At school all of his friendships were formed online. He had only a handful of friends he saw face-to-face, on rare occasions. He’s now 22 and I’m his 53-year-old dad. He only lasted two terms at uni and when he came home he told us he’d fallen for someone. She lives in the US and is devoutly Christian. My son then sprung it on us that she was coming over to visit for a couple of weeks. He only told us a few days before she was due to arrive, so we felt we couldn’t refuse. Since her visit, he has made plans to go and stay with her. I warned him that her family may not approve, as he isn’t religious, and was taken aback when he announced he was willing to start going to church if it meant he could be with her. He then revealed that when he goes to the US, they plan to lie to her family and say he is already a practising Christian. I’m so worried about the whole situation. I wish he wasn’t going. I realise my son is an adult but I feel he may be getting into dangerous territory. I’d hoped their relationship would fizzle out naturally, due to the distance between them.

It may well do, in time. He is in love but young and inexperienced. But we all want the best for our children, no matter their age. Keep talking to your son and let him know he can turn to you if he needs and wants advice. He is an adult and old enough to make his own decisions. For now, he is choosing to be in this relationship. If he and his girlfriend turn out to be incompatible, he needs to arrive at that realisation in his own time.

DEAR DEIDRE

My partner is living with another woman but he makes out I can't be trusted

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30062288/my-partner-living-with-another-woman/

MY partner is insanely jealous of my friends but is now living with another woman who he insists is just a friend. He’s the one acting suspiciously, yet he treats me like I’m not to be trusted. Every night he FaceTimes me when I’m in bed. He pretends he just wants to say “goodnight” but I know he’s checking up on me. He recently met an Australian woman on a gaming site and they started messaging regularly. I wasn’t happy and then she invited him to come over for a visit. She even offered to pay for the month-long trip. I was upset but he insisted he only saw her as a friend and that he’d be an idiot to pass up a free, once-in-a-lifetime trip. He’s living in her house for nothing and has been there for five weeks so far. My partner has told me that this woman has admitted she is in love with him, but he claims he’d told her they could only be friends. But judging by his social media, they look far too cosy. And yet whenever I question him, he says I’m the untrustworthy one. Two years ago I went out with friends and got a taxi home with a colleague who happened to be in the same bar. He lives near me and nothing happened — but my partner is ­constantly bringing this up. He checks up on me at ­random times and tracks my phone to make sure I’m “safe”. A few days ago, I didn’t answer his FaceTime as I was having a shower. He was so angry he threatened to stay in Australia and finish with me. We’re both 25 and have been together for four years. I know he’s ridiculously jealous but I love him with all of my heart, and this behaviour needs to stop. How do I save my relationship?

Everything you say is ringing alarm bells. If this man loved you, he wouldn’t want to hurt you by manipulating you in this way. You deserve a man who respects you, not someone who thinks it is okay to stay in another woman’s house for a month. All the indications are that he cannot be trusted, yet he is gaslighting you to deflect attention. No woman would allow a man who she is in love with to stay in her house if there wasn’t a romance forming. My support pack Addictive Love can help you see this relationship for what it is. You can also find help through the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (nationalda helpline.org.uk, Tel: 0808 2000 247). Abuse isn’t always violence – you can be controlled or abused emotionally. My support pack Abusive Partner will help.

MONEY WORRIES

I signed up to OnlyFans behind my boyfriend's back for extra cash

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30149130/signed-up-onlyfans-behind-boyfriends-back-extra-cash/

AFTER months of struggling financially, I’ve signed up to OnlyFans to help increase our income, but I know my boyfriend will freak out if he finds out. I’m 25, my boyfriend is 26, and we've been together for three years. I have a good figure, and I know I can make good money on the platform, but it does mean I will need to strip and do sexual things in front of the camera. While I'll be protected behind a paywall, I know my boyfriend will be uncomfortable and make an issue of it. However, at this point I have no other option. We both work full time, and even with extra jobs such as dog walking and house sitting, we’re struggling to make ends meet. My boyfriend and I are desperate to buy a place of our own, but we’re miles away from being able to save towards a deposit.

If you haven’t told your boyfriend because you know how he’d react, it’s clear that you don’t feel entirely comfortable with this either. If you do this behind his back, you risk breaking trust in your relationship and causing issues between the two of you. Ultimately, there are many other ways for you to make some extra cash. I’m sending you my Help For Job Hunters which explains different ways to try to get more, and well-paid, work. It’s better to wait to find the right opportunity than wreck your relationship.

TIRING ME OUT

I am fed up of having to clean up my son's untidy house

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30073928/clean-up-my-sons-untidy-house/

A RECENT stay with my son has left me exhausted and upset. He lives with his long-term partner and their young son but the house was so filthy I felt I had to scrub it clean. To be honest, I couldn’t relax until there were some tidied areas. My grandson is three years old and, as well as babysitting him, I cooked, shopped, cleaned and ironed. I’m nearly 60 and have come home more tired than ever. My son is 33 and his partner is 31. My son does tidy up sometimes when the mess gets too much for him. I know he appreciates all that I do for him. The one good thing is that, although the house is a state, they all seem very happy together. His partner has always been messy and I can’t see her changing. I know, too, that it is their home and I have to respect that. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal But now I am back home, I feel deflated and resentful.

Your son and his family are happy and thriving, and it seems only you are fretting about how untidy their home is. You are not obliged to do any chores when you visit. It would be best to focus on what matters – how happy they all are – and praise their parenting skills. Perhaps it would be better to stay in a B&B when you visit, so that you get a break from the mess. If you still feel bothered, talk it over with familylives.org.uk (0808 800 2222).

NO BOUNDARIES 

My brother-in-law groped me and now I dread every family get-together

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30149125/brother-in-law-groped-me-dread-family/

MY older brother-in-law groped me at my parents’ golden wedding anniversary party, and now I’m dreading our next family get-together. I’m 20, my sister is 25, and her husband is 30. I had always got along really well with him and saw him as a brotherly figure, but at my parents’ party, he made me feel so uncomfortable. It had been a long night of drinking, and I found myself feeling a bit dizzy and lightheaded. When I decided to go outside for some fresh air, my brother-in-law followed. At first we were having friendly conversation, but then everything took a turn when I started throwing up. I felt him hold my back and assumed he was trying to help, but then he reached around my front and grabbed my boobs. At the time I was in complete shock and tried to convince myself I had imagined it, but then later, when I was talking to my sister, he came up behind us and slid his hand straight down the back of my skirt. He was so sneaky, and I knew I couldn’t get his hand out without causing a scene. Now I don’t know what to do. The last thing I want is to implode my sister’s marriage, but we’ve got another family wedding coming up, and I’m worried sick it will happen again.

This was sexual assault. While you may not want to report him, he knew what he was doing and was aware that touching you like this is completely off limits. Consider speaking to your parents or your sister. While it’s understandable that you’re worried about what it’ll do to your family, this is not your fault, and your brother-in-law should have thought about this before crossing the line. You deserve to feel safe, and I’m sure they will feel the same way. Finding some emotional support will help, so consider contacting Family Action (family-action.org.uk, tel: 0808 802 6666) where you can talk in confidence.

SEXUALITY STRESS

I fantasise about women during sex - am I bisexual?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30128372/fantasise-about-women-during-sex-bisexual/

NOBODY knows I’m bisexual – and I want to keep it like that. I’ve only ever dated men and I’m in a serious relationship with a guy, but I have started becoming attracted to women too. I’m 34 and my boyfriend is 32. We’ve been together happily for five years. I think there’s nothing wrong with liking people of the same sex, but I don’t understand these feelings. It’s been happening for about a year. I’ll see a woman and think how beautiful she is, and then imagine kissing her. Or, while having sex with my boyfriend, I’ll fantasise I’m in bed with a woman instead. Afterwards, I’ll feel guilty. I’ve never acted on my feelings – and I won’t, because I love my boyfriend, and would never cheat. But they’re making me very confused. Surely I’d know by now if I was bisexual?

Many people experience same-sex attraction and there’s nothing to feel guilty about. It’s not cheating. I’m sure you’ve been attracted to other men, who aren’t your boyfriend, too. Sexuality isn’t set in stone. Many people see it as being on a continuum. Some know from an early age they have feelings for both sexes. Others realise this later, or are attracted to individuals. Talking to someone who understands will help your confusion. See my support pack, Bisexual Questions.

WE NEED HELP

My partner has become abusive after becoming addicted to painkillers

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30062292/my-partner-become-abusive-painkillers/

MY partner’s painkiller addiction is destroying him and our ­relationship. We’re both 50 and have been together for 20 years. Recently, my partner was in a horrendous motorbike crash that led to surgery. He then became hooked on codeine. He later began taking Lyrica among other pills. Now he has become abusive. He’s pushed me when he’s been high and is ­mentally ­abusive when I try to talk to him about getting help. He’s even suggested that my nagging is the reason he’s ‘leaning’ on these drugs. Yesterday he yelled that he wished he’d never got together with me and claimed I’d let myself go. Our relationship is in ­tatters. I want to leave him but I’m terrified of what he might do to himself. How do I save my ­relationship with him?

No matter what he says, you must keep yourself safe. Someone who loves you would never abuse you. My pack Abusive Partner will show you where to find support during this difficult time.

SO UNHAPPY

My husband has the biggest temper tantrums and sulks like a child

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30113589/husband-temper-tantrums-sulks/

MY husband has the biggest temper tantrums and sulks just like a child. The slightest thing will set him off. He throws or breaks things and then leaves the room, slamming the door behind him. I am 34 and my husband is 36. We have been married for five years but I feel as though I am no longer in love with him. I ran into an old friend in town recently. He is 37 and went to college with my older sister. We had a talk over coffee and I told him everything about my unhappy marriage. He suggested we meet again when we would have more time to speak. He was so lovely and kind, reminding me how good it feels to be treated with consideration. I can’t stop thinking about this man. I have tried to talk to my husband about his outbursts once and thought I had got through to him. But his behaviour only improved for a week and he was back to normal. I am so unhappy.

This relationship is toxic. It is a miserable way to live so it is hardly surprising another man has turned your head. It is time to face up to your husband and tell him you have had enough and won’t keep on living this way. The way he behaves might be down to his past. He will not find it easy to change – but you do not have to accept it. My support pack Managing Anger explains more.

SEX CHAT HABIT

My husband has porn habit and now befriended sex worker on Facebook

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30085118/husband-porn-habit-sex-worker/

MY husband has a porn habit and has now befriended a sex worker on Facebook. We are both 55 and have been married for 28 years. I’m a housewife and he works in finance. I’ve brought up our four children, who have all left home. I thought our marriage was good. We hardly ever argue and we both have outside interests. My husband is a football coach for under-13s and I do a lot with the local church and school. Our sex life is OK, but I don’t always want to get intimate these days. I know he likes porn and sometimes he’ll ask if I want to watch it with him. I always say no. Recently, though, he got Covid and he seemed to spend too long in bed, considering he’s had his vaccinations. I caught him three times looking at X-rated content on his iPad. He apologised and seemed to recover pretty quickly after that, but it got me thinking. I looked at the iPad yesterday and his Facebook tab was still open. He’d been chatting to a woman who was practically naked in her profile picture. She has fake breasts, botox lips and hair extensions. She’s everything I’m not. I can’t move past this.

He’s not being fair to you. Pornography can quickly go from a habit to an addiction, but chatting to a sex worker online is personal and undoubtedly a betrayal. Find a moment to tell him that you feel your relationship is unravelling, and explain to him what you need to allow you to feel loved. Then you ask the same of him. It doesn’t sound as if he’s physically cheated in real life but, if he’s talking or sexting other people online, his attention is not on you, where it should be. My support packs, Saving Your Sex Life and How To Look After Your Relationship, may help you, too.

SHUT OUT

I have been cut out of my mum's will so my siblings will inherit more money

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30062294/cut-out-of-will-siblings/

I HAVE been cut out of my mum’s will so my siblings could inherit more money. When my mother passed away recently, I was waiting to be contacted so I could have the jewellery and money I knew were promised to me as part of my mother’s legacy. I’m 60 years old, and I’m the youngest of three. But I was taken aback when my sister called me, saying I’d been written out of the will a year before. Instead, my older siblings got everything while I didn’t get a penny. My Mum had dementia, and I believe that she didn’t know what she was signing. My older siblings don’t have any honour – they only care about their own bank balances. I hadn’t seen my Mum in more than ten years because my siblings kept me away from her. No one was allowed to see Mum unless one of them was there. She was bedridden and terrified of them. They’d abused her throughout her life, despite her raising us with love and happiness. It didn’t take long for them to stop answering my calls, and soon they moved Mum out of her house and refused to tell me where she had gone. I later found out they were using the benefit money that should’ve gone to my Mum to pay for their holidays and cars, as neither of them have a job. How do I get this new will reversed and find out how I can receive my fair share of what I’m owed?

It may be difficult to successfully contest the will. Coercion, or undue influence, is very hard to prove because of its very nature. It tends to happen behind closed doors, and you may have a lengthy fight on your hands if you can successfully prove your mother did not have the mental capacity to sign this document. You will need to seek specialist legal advice to ensure that you have the best chance of doing this successfully. In the meantime, my support pack on bereavement may help you to process the feelings you will be having during this very difficult time.

Secret keepers

My husband and his family lied to me about his MS diagnosis for years

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30044941/husband-family-lied-ms-diagnosis/

After 20 years of marriage, I’ve learned that my husband and his family lied to me about his health diagnosis. I’m so angry. He claimed he first had symptoms of MS after we got married. But, in fact, everyone except me knew he’d had symptoms - and a diagnosis - years before. I’ve become his carer, and I feel I’ve been taken advantage of. I’m 50 and my husband is 52. We have one son, who is 16. When we first met, he was often tired and told me he was recovering from a virus. About a year later, he was suddenly unable to walk. He went to see a neurologist and said he’d been diagnosed with MS. By then, we were in love and had moved in together. I said I’d always be there for him, whatever happened. He recovered for a while but had several relapses over the years. About 10 years ago, he started to get much worse. He’s now in a wheelchair and needs everything done for him. Then, last week, his brother accidentally let it slip that he’d been diagnosed when he was 28 - three years before we met. Everyone had kept this a secret. They didn’t think it was their place to tell me. I am furious and don’t know how to deal with this. It feels like I’ve been living a lie. I would probably still have married him had I known about his diagnosis when we met, but I feel I had a right to know the truth.

You’ve been deceived for two decades, by your husband and his family. It’s not surprising that you feel you’ve been taken advantage of, and your trust has been broken. Perhaps he didn’t tell you because he was scared you wouldn’t want him, but that is no excuse. Ask him to be honest about his reasons and make it clear to him how angry you are. It would be helpful for you to talk through the legal ramifications of this with a solicitor, as there may be grounds for an annulment, if this is what you want. However, do think about the effect of this on your son, who is an innocent victim in this. Talking to a counsellor would also be a very good idea. See my support pack about Counselling.

Nickname

Boyfriend has secret social media account named after his nickname for his penis

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30044949/boyfriend-secret-social-media-penis/

My boyfriend has a secret social media account named after his unusual pet name for his penis. He’s been using it to contact his ex, and I am gutted. He’s cheated before. We’re both 19 and have been together a year. The other day, Facebook suggested ‘people you might know’, based on my contacts. An account popped up with a generic pic and the silly name my boyfriend calls his penis - a joke between us. I laughed, but when I clicked on it, I realised it was him from the details and pictures. And the only comments were from his ex-girlfriend. I asked him about it and he said it wasn’t him, just a coincidence. But I don’t believe him. What should I do?

Coincidence? Unlikely. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal Your boyfriend has cheated before and your instincts tell you he’s lying now. Ask him to be honest. But even if he comes clean, you can’t be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust. If you don’t want to give up on him yet, read my support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, for ways to move on from infidelity.

Thank you

You helped me walk away from my abusive partner

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30044947/helped-me-walk-away-abusive-partner/

When I split up with my long-term partner, I started to question his past behaviour. He was often controlling and used to have sex with me, even when I didn’t want it - which led to horrible flashbacks. I blamed myself for letting him and not being more vocal. I’m 42 and he’s 45. We were together for 10 years. I wrote to you because I was so confused. He was trying to win me back, saying I clearly had mental health problems. You told me I shouldn’t doubt myself. What he had done was rape and when he said I had mental health problems, he was gaslighting me. You sent me your support pack about Rape and about Abusive Partners, and recommended I contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk, tel: 0808 2000 247). In addition, you suggested counselling to help me talk things through. Your response was so kind and thoughtful, and really helped me to clarify things. You also followed up to see how I was. I have now walked away from that relationship and am looking into therapy. Thank you, Deidre.

You’ve done the right thing in leaving your ex behind. Now you need to give yourself time to heal.

Fertility issues

My wife wants to get pregnant with a stranger

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30024482/wife-pregnant-stranger/

My girlfriend and I are desperate to have a baby, so she is considering having a fling with a stranger to get pregnant. I’m 53 and know that I have very low fertility from when my ex-wife and I were trying to conceive. My current girlfriend is 41 and still has periods. Since we met four years ago, we’ve always known how much we wanted to start a family together. Despite my chances being low, we’ve been trying for the last six months without any luck. We can’t afford IVF treatment and a sperm donor but I suggested she should have sex with another man, just once. I said that the man would never know the truth and we could bring the child up as our own, and she was more than okay with the idea. Now we’re considering setting up an online profile and looking for a match. Do you think it’s wrong?

I’m afraid there are huge issues with this plan. Not only will this man not have been screened for genetic problems as clinic donors are, but there is also always a risk to sexual health in having unprotected sex with a stranger. You also have to consider the rights of the child if your plan did work. Wouldn't it be unfair to conceal the truth about their biological parents? Consider finding guidance through the Infertility Network (infertilitynetworkuk.org, 01424 732361).

THANK YOU

When I was wasting my life with married woman you helped me walk away

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30166698/wasting-life-married-woman-helped-walk-away/

WHEN a naughty fling with a married woman turned into an eight-year-long affair, I realised I was wasting my life. But I didn’t seem capable of ending the relationship and walking away. Being with her was too intoxicating, and the sex was too good. In addition, the belief she would finally leave her husband kept me there. I’m 32 and she’s 41. I wrote to you, asking for help, Deidre. How could I break the cycle? You told me my lover was having her cake and eating it - which was hard to hear, but fair. You were right: there was no incentive for her to leave her husband when she had me whenever she wanted. You suggested I give her an ultimatum and recommended I talk to someone impartial. You also gave me your support pack, Your Lover Not Free. Since writing to you, I’ve told my lover we needed to go our separate ways. It was difficult, and I’ve felt sad and missed her, but I know it was the right thing. I’m now free to meet someone who wants me and only me. Thank you, Deidre.

You need strength to leave a lover, but once you have, life is so much freer and better. Well done.

Dear Deidre

A text to the wrong woman destroyed my love life

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29998986/text-wrong-woman-unhappy-marriage/

An accidental text message to the wrong woman led me to marry someone I don’t really love. Now I think of my ex every day and the incredible sex life we had. I can’t help wondering how different my life would have been if it hadn’t been for my ‘sliding doors’ moment. I’m on the brink of contacting her again. I’m 40 and my wife is 38. We’ve been together for 10 years. Twelve years ago, I started dating an incredible woman, who kept me on my toes, she was incredibly sexually confident but messed me around. I got so fed up with the short-lived break-ups and the drama, that I started dating a second woman. The second woman was lovely, but she didn’t excite me like the first, either in or out of bed. Predictably, as soon as the first woman found out I was seeing someone else, she wanted me more than ever. One night, she texted to declare her undying love and asked me to move in with her. What happened next changed my life forever. Drunk, I texted her back, saying I’d fallen in love with her completely and I wanted to live with her. Except, of course, I didn’t reply to her; I sent the message to the second woman - my new girlfriend - instead. Straight away, my girlfriend wrote back, saying she loved me too.When I realised my mistake, I was panic-stricken. But I was cowardly, and didn’t have the heart to hurt her. Instead, I went along with moving in together. I told myself it was for the best. And it probably was. I haven’t been unhappy. The problem is, although I love my wife, I’m not in love with her. I don’t really find her that attractive and she bores me. I can’t stop thinking about my ex. What should I do?

Accidents happen. But being married to someone for 10 years isn’t an accident, even if the process was triggered by an erroneous text. Meeting anyone, anywhere, involves some element of luck. Stop thinking of yourself as a passive victim of chance and take control of your choices. You’ve lived a decade with your wife. If, after 10 years, you’re bored in your marriage - like thousands of other couples - you need to work on it with her, or leave. Having an affair with an exciting but unreliable woman from your past is not the answer. Talking to a counsellor could help you. See my support pack about this.

Turkish Despair

Our families have driven me and my girlfriend apart

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29998987/family-doesnt-approve-turkish-girlfriend/

After five years in a secret relationship, my girlfriend has dumped me by text. Neither of our families approved of us being together and I think the pressure got to her in the end. I’m 23 and she’s 22. We started dating at school, but her dad is very protective, and wanted her to marry someone from her community - she’s Turkish. My parents are Catholic and felt the same way. They told us to end it, but we carried on seeing each other covertly. It was exciting at first - we felt a bit like Romeo and Juliet. Sneaking around made the relationship more exciting. But neither of us liked the constant lying and logistical problems, and we both yearned to be together in a normal relationship. If we wanted to spend the night together, we’d have to come up with a story. Last weekend, I took her away for her birthday. We had a wonderful time. Then, a few hours after she got home, she sent a message saying she couldn’t do it anymore. I know we’re meant to be together, and desperately want her back but she says she needs time and space. I miss her so much. Should I accept it’s over and move on, or wait until she is ready to try again?

It does sound like your girlfriend couldn’t cope with the stress anymore. Give her the space and time she needs and then talk. If you really do love each other, then you need to agree to stand up to your families. You can’t just reunite and go back to a secret relationship. It won’t work. Only you and she know whether you could cope with their disapproval, and what that would mean - if they’d cut you off or - as I hope - if they could find a way to accept your relationship if they see how strongly you both feel. My support pack, Mending a Broken Heart, should help you in the meantime.

Shocking

I was horrified when I caught my 12-year-old having sex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29998990/horrified-caught-12-year-old-sex/

When I walked in on my daughter in bed with her female friend, I was horrified. She is only 12 and far too young to be having sex. But I fear my shocked reaction wasn’t helpful, and now we’re barely talking. I’m 43 and a single mother. I also have a son, aged 10. My daughter went through puberty early but has never shown any interest in boys or girls, so I had no idea she was thinking about sex. After I caught her, I shouted ‘What the hell are you doing?’, and she burst into tears. She begged me not to tell her friend’s mum, and so far I haven’t. The other girl is the same age. I’m at a complete loss about what to do or say. My daughter thinks I’m upset because she is a lesbian, but that’s not it at all. What should I do?

Your shock is absolutely natural, but avoid judgmental reactions. While 12 is very young for sex - and sex under 13 is never legal - your daughter’s friend is the same age, and many children do experiment, especially if they are not sure of their sexuality. What’s most important, as she grows up, is to make sure your daughter doesn’t put herself at risk physically or emotionally. Contact Stop it Now to talk through your concerns (stopitnow.org.uk, tel: 0808 1000 900). Make it clear to your daughter that you’re not angry with her, you were shocked and wished you’d reacted more calmly because you want her to know she can talk to you.

DEAR DEIDRE

I'm head over heels for my girlfriend but I can't resist her sexy boss

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30149127/head-over-heels-girlfriend-cant-resist-sexy-boss/

I LOVE my girlfriend with all my heart, but I can’t keep my hands off her sexy boss. I own three restaurants, and I first met my lover when I set up the business three years ago - she owns a local alcohol supplier. She’s 42, I’m 40, and she’s amazing, always happy to deliver at short notice if we get busy. One weekend, when she helped me out, I invited her to stay for a drink. We got on so well that eventually the restaurant closed, and we stayed talking until the early hours of the morning. It’s safe to say that things progressed rather quickly, and we ended up in bed together. At the time I was so caught up I pushed the fact she was married to the back of my head. While I knew it was wrong, after that we continued to see each other in secret. Then one day she invited me to her work Christmas party, and it was then she introduced me to her husband - and new assistant. Her new assistant is 33 and lovely. We spent the entire evening chatting away and her boss - my lover didn’t seem to mind at all. So I asked for her number and then took her out the following week. We’ve been inseparable ever since, and it’s safe to say I’m crazy about her, but as hard as I try, I still can’t resist her boss. We often end up in the cellar together, and so far nobody has caught on. I feel terrible for hiding this from my girlfriend.

What you’re doing is wrong, and you both know it. If this dead-end relationship continues, you risk losing the girl you’re crazy about, and her boss risks imploding her whole marriage. It’s time to end things now and put some boundaries in place. The more time you spend investing in this affair, the less energy you’ll have to build an amazing relationship with the woman you care about. Tell your lover your relationship will be purely professional from now on. If she’s unhappy with this, consider breaking professional ties too. Ask yourself why you struggled to resist this woman. Is it because you enjoy spontaneous sex and the risk? My support pack 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex is full of ideas you can implement into your sex life with your girlfriend instead.

DEAR DEIDRE

My wife is a serial cheat and I'm worried I've wasted my life with her

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30128379/wife-serial-cheat-worried-wasted-life-with-her/

OVER the course of our 25-year marriage, my wife has cheated on me again and again, yet I’ve always forgiven her. I’ve caught her at it at a party, and even in our home. Now I wish I had never married her. I’m 54 and she’s 52. We have two grown-up children. The first time she cheated was when we were in our early twenties, and dating. We went to a party and at some point she disappeared, so I went upstairs to look for her. There was a queue outside the loo. As I passed, the door opened and she came out, looking sheepish and dishevelled, followed by a guy I didn’t recognised. It was obvious what they had been doing. She apologised and begged me to forgive her, blaming alcohol. Stupidly, I agreed to move on. Then, when we were first married, she went abroad with work and had a one-night stand. I only found out when a mutual friend let it slip because she thought I already knew. Once, when our kids were young, I came home early from work to find her in bed with a guy who had come to build our loft extension. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal Again, she made me forgive her, this time blaming her actions on feeling neglected and unattractive. And now, I’ve learned she has been having an affair with an old friend. I discovered gifts he had given her and she confessed. Those are just the infidelities I know of. It’s possible there are more.I feel like a fool. Because I loved her and wanted to do the right thing, I’ve let her destroy my happiness for ever. I don’t know how to get past this. I’ve wasted my life with her and now it’s too late to go back.

This is not your fault. You’ve tried to do the right thing, and your wife has taken advantage of your kindness and love for her. Often, I tell couples they can get over cheating. But in your case, I think it’s perhaps time to walk away. Your wife asks for forgiveness but doesn’t change her behaviour. It is not too late for you to rebuild your life and find happiness. But first you need assistance to deal with your feelings. Counselling would help – see my support pack about this. Contact Tavistock Relationships (020 7380 1960, tavistockrelationships.org).

No drive

I have no sexual feelings at all - is something wrong with me?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29998993/no-sexual-feelings-wrong/

For the last two years, I’ve had no sexual feelings at all. My sex drive has entirely vanished, and if I try to engage in sexual activity with my wife, I can’t get an erection. I’m worried something is very wrong with me. I’m 67 and my wife is 65. We’ve been married for almost 40 years. Although I don’t expect to be swinging from the chandeliers at my age, I would like to have some level of intimacy. But my body just doesn’t seem to work anymore. I feel like less of a man, and I know my wife is miserable about it. I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this, as I feel it’s not normal. I am overweight and get tired easily, but I’m otherwise healthy.Please help.

There’s no need to feel embarrassed. Sexual feelings and your ability to get an erection are just bodily functions like any other. You’re not less of a man. These issues are common, particularly in older men. If you’ve lost your libido and aren’t getting early morning erections, you need to see your doctor. It’s possible you have a physical condition such as diabetes, or heart disease, or low testosterone and these need to be treated. As for your relationship with your wife, there are lots of ways to be intimate without penetrative sex. Make sure you kiss and cuddle a lot, and try giving each other massages. See my support pack, Reviving a Man’s Sex Drive.

Grew apart

My school friends have new lives and I feel abandoned

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29976896/school-friends-spare-thought/

My friends from school rarely spare a thought for me these days and it makes me feel as if I don’t matter to anyone. I’m 23 now and my mates went to university while I stayed put. There were five of us who hung out in school. I got a job in my dad’s garage and became a mechanic. I don’t go out much but I do chat to them on social media and check in with them when we occasionally game on the Xbox. If I go out at the weekend it’s with my parents and little brother. I hardly see them these days unless they happen to be at home. I like meeting customers but they tend to be older people. I never forget my friends’ birthdays, or other important dates and send them messages because birthdays in our house are always special and acknowledged. I sometimes send them a card if I see one which is fitting but they never do the same for me. Am I just wasting my time keeping in touch with them all?

You don’t have to cut them off. That would be a shame, but they probably see newer friends regularly now that they live away. It doesn’t mean that you don’t matter to them. Their lives have evolved, that’s all. It’s time that you began to live your new life too by getting out and finding some new interests so that you’re not clinging to the past. It’s great you have a mutual catchup on Xbox but making friends is easier if you have hobbies which are less solitary. A sport that you’re interested in can start an easy conversation with somebody new. Check out meetup.com for ideas and inspiration to get you out of the house and my support pack called Widening Your Social Scene will help too. Good luck.

Love and friendship

I search for signs my friend is gay like me by going through her phone

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29976899/snooping-friends-phone-prove-lesbian/

I keep looking at my best friend’s private phone messages when she puts her handset down somewhere. I know it’s wrong but I keep hoping to spot a sign that she’s gay, like I am. I’m 22 and I work with my friend who is 26. I’ve started to have feelings for her. I’ve told her and she’s said that it’s OK but that she doesn’t like me in that way. She really likes a guy at work and she messages him all the time. If she goes to the loo or goes in to see the boss, I take a sneaky peek at her phone. I know her code to get into it. I know she’s going to catch me out before too long and it may ruin our friendship for good but I’d love it if she hinted to somebody that she’s interested in me.

You can’t make somebody else feel something they don’t feel. You have to accept that she is straight and therefore would not want a relationship with you other than the friendship you have. Don’t jeopardise that by prying into her private life on her phone. That’s not fair and could affect your job if she finds out and makes a complaint to your employer. Let her lead her life as she wants and make a pact that you’ll allow her some privacy. Treat her as you’d wish to be treated. My support pack called Gay Resources may help you in your quest to find a relationship.

Revenge

Is my wife trying to score points against me after I cheated?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29976900/wife-score-points-cheated/

I cheated on my wife after a bad time and now I think she’s looking to score points by doing the same to me. I’m a man of 40 and I lost my job and then my dad passed away. That was three years ago. A female colleague who also lost her job was there for me and we supported one other, which turned into an affair. After six months, I got a new job and I felt so guilty towards my wife. I told her what I’d done and she was prepared to forgive me. She’s 37 and we’ve since had a daughter who is now 18 months old. Sex is scarce though and since our daughter was born, we’ve had sex three times and each time, I’ve had premature ejaculation. I checked my wife’s phone and found some guy was messaging her — and she wasn’t discouraging him. I love her but I feel like she’s leaving me.

Your wife was willing to forgive you after your affair but if intimacy between you wasn’t back on track, that indicates that you both had issues recovering from your infidelity. Tell her you love her and you’re willing to do what it takes to rebuild your marriage and make a happy home for your daughter. Premature ejaculation is a common problem but easily fixed. My support pack called Want To Last Longer explains how. If things don’t improve, seek help from a couples’ counsellor through BACP - British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, (www.bacp.co.uk, Tel: 01455 883300).

Dear Deidre

Sex with my wife and her male cousin was so good, I can't return to monogamy

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29951812/sex-wife-cousin-monogamy/

Sex with my wife and her cousin was so good, I don’t think I’ll ever want monogamy again. I’m a man of 29 and my wife is 27. We’ve been married for seven months and we’ve always had a wonderful sex life. Her cousin is 25. I hadn’t met him before our wedding day, nor had I ever experienced intimacy with another guy. He’s great fun and has always been close to my wife. We have a one-bedroom flat and he asked whether he could come and stay while he was on a training course nearby. The plan was that he’d sleep on our bedroom floor as there was no room in our tiny lounge. I’d cooked us all dinner and it was such a hot night we all got pretty tipsy on the wine quickly. The three of us got on like a house on fire with the conversation soon turning sexual. He even admitted he’d always wondered what it was like to go with a man. I told him I’d always been happy with women but was open to new experiences. I think the conversation turned us all on so when we went to bed my wife made a B-line for me and we kissed while her cousin watched. It felt completely natural when he joined us in bed and started kissing me until we all enjoyed a new kind of sex with one another. I’ve never felt so turned on. My wife enjoyed it too and she’s asked her cousin to join us again next weekend. I never thought I was gay but possibly bisexual.

Perhaps you are. My guess is that the alcohol allowed you to feel confident enough to accept that initial kiss, which led to you being bicurious. Some couples love threesomes but you need clear boundaries about what is and what isn’t acceptable as a starting point. So often feelings of jealousy kick in, one partner starts having romantic feelings for the third person and insecurity can become an issue. Also as this man is family, you don’t want a fallout which ripples out through extended family. If you’re going to bring third parties into your relationship, it would be better for you to treat this experience as a one-off with your wife’s cousin and read my support pack called Thinking Of A Threesome before you take the next step.

Dear Deidre

I cheated at my sister’s hen party with a man dressed up like a cowboy

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30024481/sisters-hen-party-cheating-husband/

After having a few too many at my sister’s hen do, I ended up spending the night with a man who was dressed as a cowboy and on a stag party. We had so much sex, I don’t think I slept a wink. It was fun but the next morning I had that familiar feeling of dread. I’m married and this isn’t the first time that I’ve strayed. I’m 29, my husband is 34 and we have a three-year-old son. When we first met I used to love his carefree attitude but since settling down and starting a family it’s grown tiresome. Now we have a child plus bills and a mortgage to pay. He leaves everything to me. Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, laundry, our finances or even putting our son to bed, he doesn’t lift a finger. I felt weighed down with responsibility. There’s an older man at work who was giving me attention. At our work summer party I had a lot to drink and stupidly made a move on him. We spent the night flirting and then went back to his flat where we had sex. Afterwards, we both agreed that it was wrong and that we’d never do it again. But I regularly bump into him on nights out and normally end up going back to his flat for a couple of hours. It’s not going anywhere and the longer it continues the more guilty I feel. He’s single but old enough to be my dad. I feel so guilty and upset. Facing my husband every day has become unbearable.

No wonder you feel overwhelmed and burnt out, your husband is still trying to live as if he has no responsibilities. However, getting drunk and having casual sex with men you hardly know isn’t the way to solve it. You need to take control of this before it wrecks your life. Have an open and honest conversation with your husband. Tell him how you’ve been feeling and that he needs to take an equal share in the housework and child care. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will show you plenty of ways to get the point across. I hope that as your relationship improves you won’t feel the need to turn to alcohol. Until you feel more secure avoid heavy drinking which is when your decision making is at its most destructive.

Dear Deidre

I'm having sex with the husband of my most loyal customer

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29976895/selling-man-dress-steamy-love-affair/

My lover and I met when I sold him a gorgeous vintage dress for his wife. He’s great in bed but I feel guilty about his wife who now visits my shop regularly and is always so lovely. I’m 30 and I married my husband at 26. He runs his own business and he encouraged me to open a vintage clothing boutique. My husband is 39 and travels a lot. I spend days alone but the shop keeps me out of trouble - that was until my lover turned up five months ago. He was handsome, funny, and mocked himself for not knowing a thing about women’s clothes and I was immediately drawn to him. He’d come in looking for a gift for his wife. He explained, “It’s her birthday tomorrow. She loves these sorts of clothes.” I pulled out a beautiful swing dress which he bought and the next week he returned saying, “She was absolutely thrilled” and he invited me for a drink to say thanks. I should have left well alone but my husband was in Germany so I thought it would be nice to do something different. He told me he was 36. You could have cut the sexual tension with a knife when we met in the nearby bar. In the cab on the way home, he asked if he could come in then he kissed me. I felt so alive for the first time in a long time. We had sex and since then he’s been warming my bed every time my husband is away. I feel guilty for my lover’s wife though - she seems like someone who could have been a friend.

You’re right to feel bad about this man’s wife, but what about your own husband? This man can see how financially stable you are with your husband. You’re a safe bet as lovers go. You’re unlikely to make life complicated for him. Don’t settle for a lonely marriage for the sake of financial security. If you still love your husband, tell him how sad you feel. Could he cut down on travelling or could you employ somebody in your shop so that you could travel with him now and then? Don’t settle for no-strings sex with this charming man because sooner or later someone is going to get really hurt. My support pack called Relationship MOT will help you and explains where to find professional, emotional support.

CLEAN UP

My boyfriend's home has a horrendous stench and he never cleans it

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30062291/my-boyfriends-home-horrendous-stench/

MY boyfriend never cleans his messy home. Every time I walk into the house, I’m greeted with a horrendous stench. I can’t relax until I’ve given it a clean and grabbed the vacuum cleaner. We’re both 30, and I can’t bear being surrounded by filth, so I clean up his kitchen and bathroom because he doesn’t care. I’m often cleaning up thick grime that has been there for days, even weeks. However, I’m beginning to realise that I’m effectively working as his cleaner for free. It takes me hours, and it’s always a mess again when I return. I’ve spoken to him about it, but he always shrugs off my worries. How do I get him to clean his home?

I think your boyfriend will clean his home – eventually. At some point, the mess and grime will get too much, even for him, and he’ll pick up a Hoover. The more you clean for him, the less he will do. I’m sure if you stop visiting until it is cleaned, he’ll get the message.

Cash out

I'm penniless after I found out I was working for a crook

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29951817/penniless-working-crook/

I turned up for work yesterday to find the gates locked and all the vehicles cleared out. I’ve been working for a crook. I’m a man of 41 and I’ve been a driver for a small courier company for three years. The company was a new start-up and it was great. My colleagues were good and my boss was a nice guy. After a while, the cracks started to show in the way the company was being run. The boss sometimes wanted to pay us in cash and sometimes he’d ask us to take a holiday as the work “wasn’t coming in”. Then one of the men told me that our boss’s home had been raided by the police and they took phones and his laptop. The rumours are rife that he was a drug dealer or at the very least, money laundering. He said the police had returned them within a week but we can’t prove that was true. Now this has happened. I can’t believe our place is closed. I’ve got a wife and two young kids to look after and I don’t know how I’m going to get any money. I’m owed nearly a month’s pay. I haven’t been given a redundancy letter, never mind a P45. Where can I go for help?

I’m sorry this has happened to you. You may not get a P45 but any new employer can ask for the relevant details about your finances and send it to HMRC for clarification. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal Depending on what has happened to your employer, you can apply to the Government for any monies you are owed. You can learn more details through the Government website link gov.uk/your-rights-if-your-employer-is-insolvent to start the process.Acas has a free helpline (www.acas.org.uk, tel: 0300 123 1100) and can help with any work-related issues. My support pack called Help for Job Hunters will help you too.

Human affection

My sexless marriage is pushing me into a one night stand

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29951814/sexless-marriage-one-night-stand/

I’m tempted to have a one-night stand with a man I know because I’m so desperate for sex. I am married but haven’t seen my husband, who is working for a charity in Ukraine, for months. He’s a medic and is 31, I’m a year older. It is so dangerous where he is and because he is under a lot of pressure to help out, I haven’t seen him for nearly a year. Feeling lonely, I started to talk to a colleague who is a man of 40. He is married. We have been out for lunch a couple of times and he has made it clear that he likes me. We went out for a drink after work last night and we were talking about our marriages and sex and he said to me, “You must miss that human touch” and I replied, “Yes, of course.” He then went on to say that his wife doesn’t like sex so much but he would be happy to have a one-night stand with me and if we both liked it and were in agreement, we could do it again. I do like him and the idea of sex with almost a stranger is thrilling - but I feel it isn’t fair on my husband.

It isn’t fair and as you feel compelled to write to me about it, my guess is that you would feel full of remorse if you went ahead and cheated. Don’t settle for no-strings, dead-end sex with a guy who wants to make you his booty call. My support pack, Your Lover Not Free, explains more about these sorts of relationships. Instead, talk to your husband and tell him how much you miss him.If you can Facetime him when he has time off, use your imagination and show him that you can still find some passion between you.

Dog gone

Walking date was developing but now my dog has died

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29951818/dog-walking-date-developing-died/

Walking regularly in the park near my home was the highlight of my day. Then I started a friendship with another dog walker and began to have feelings for him. I’d allowed myself to imagine he might actually like me. But my dog was run over last week and I’m devastated. I’m really struggling without her but also missing my friend. I’m a woman of 33 and I care for my dad who has multiple sclerosis. I never had any choice in the matter. I have two brothers who were always brighter than me. They did well at school and both went to university, while I worked in a shop until Dad couldn’t manage. Then I gave it up to look after him. My dog was my lifeline. She got me out of the house every day. This man asked if I’d like to go for a drink but I didn’t have the courage to accept the invitation, instead saying I’d meet him for another walk. Now my dog has suddenly passed away. I feel so miserable.

It’s devastating to lose a pet. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal Find emotional support through The Blue Cross (bluecross.org.uk, 0800 096 6606). Friends are invaluable when you are grieving so go out for a walk as you planned (the exercise and fresh air will be good for you) until you meet this man again. As a fellow dog-lover, he’ll understand you’re upset and perhaps you can continue to develop your friendship and walk his dog sometimes too.

Dear Deidre

Girlfriend dumped me after I was filmed cheating - now mates laugh at my penis

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30044939/woman-cheating-girlfriend-film-sex/

As if cheating on my girlfriend wasn’t bad enough, I stupidly let the other woman film us having sex. Now my girlfriend has seen the video, dumped me, and shown it to all her friends - who are laughing at the size of my penis! I’m 24 and my now ex-girlfriend is 23. We met at university and were together for five years. Last summer holiday, I went abroad. While I was there, I met a woman. She clearly had the hots for me, but I loved my girlfriend and kept knocking her back. But one night, I had far too much to drink. I ended up back at her place. She turned out to be really wild and wanted to have sex all night, in various positions, using toys. It was a huge turn-on. Regrettably, I agreed to let her film us on her phone. Even more stupidly, I didn’t make sure she deleted it afterwards. A week later I flew home and, even though I felt guilty, carried on with my girlfriend. I didn’t keep in touch with my ex-lover, and blocked her. I thought my girlfriend would never find out. Fast forward to the present and someone has sent a link to an amateur porn site to my girlfriend, saying she needed to watch a video. It was the ‘film’ my ex-lover had made of us having sex that night. She’d uploaded it. My devastated girlfriend immediately broke up with me. Almost worse, all her friends have seen it too. Some of them have been laughing at my penis and technique in bed. How can I get over this and win my girlfriend back?

You didn’t behave well, but nobody deserves to be the victim of revenge porn - which is what this is. However, as it happened abroad, whether or not you can take legal action may depend on the laws of the country this woman lives in. It’s wise to take advice from the Revenge Porn Helpline (revengepornhelpline.org.uk, tel: 0345 6000 459) who can also help you deal with the impact of this. As for your ex-girlfriend, she must be extremely hurt and embarrassed. I’m sorry to say, now that she has shown all her friends what you’ve done, it’s unlikely she will lose face by taking you back. But it’s worth trying to contact her to tell her how you feel.My support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, might help you.

DEAR DEIDRE

My girlfriend is getting too cosy with a work colleague & we stopped having sex

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29948243/girlfriend-sex-work-colleague/

I USED to be the envy of my friends with a girlfriend a decade younger than me, but since I’ve become a grandad, my fortunes have changed. We’ve gone from having a great sex life and relationship to the brink of splitting up within a few months. And now I’m worried she is getting too cosy with a work colleague. I’m 49, she’s 38 and we met at a gym. I’ve always taken good care of my fitness and she was taken aback when I told her how old I was. Still, we fancied the pants off each other and when we got together 12 years ago she loved teasing me and calling me her sugar daddy. But when I became a grandparent she said it was a complete turn-off and now the intimacy has disappeared from our relationship. I love to cuddle and kiss my partner and be playful but now she withdraws when I touch her. I have a grown-up son from a ­previous marriage and my partner and I have a six-year-old daughter between us. My son and his wife have recently had a beautiful baby girl. I’m so proud of her but my partner is embarrassed. Around the same time that my granddaughter arrived, I saw photos on her phone where she was cosying up to a colleague. Something about her reaction to my questions told me there was more to it — although she insists nothing happened. I’ve seriously started to consider walking away.

It’s time to calmly sit down and talk. Explain that you are feeling shut out and are unhappy. The age gap between you is, of course, the same as it always was. And while some people feel that becoming a grandparent is ageing, you are still fit and healthy and have not changed at all. Reassure her that no one is asking her to take on the role of grandmother. Tell her how much you love her, but that you cannot stay in a sexless relationship forever and need to resolve this before it breaks up your family. A good sexual relationship is key for the wellbeing of a couple, so explain this is not simply about sexual urges but about connection and feeling wanted. If she is willing, some sex and relationship counselling will help. Contact the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk).

FEELING LOST

I want to foster my step-granddaughter and it is dredging up my painful past

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30062293/foster-step-granddaughter-dredging-past/

FOSTERING my step-granddaughter is dredging up my painful past. I’m 50 and have been with my ­partner for ten years. We’re now raising my five-year-old step-granddaughter and have begun the process of applying for a fostering order. However, social services have hindered the process due to a domestic issue I had with my ex. I was arrested for an allegation she fabricated ten years ago. It was proven false in court, and no further action was taken. Now they are saying we need to ­complete some courses to foster my step-granddaughter, despite the fact she has lived with us for 11 months. The courses includes therapy, which has brought up memories of the abuse I suffered with my ex. It’s the reason why our marriage ended in divorce – I had to leave her because I couldn’t cope any more. It was then she made the horrendous accusations that were investigated. The therapy sessions are making me an emotional wreck as I try to confront what has happened to me. I’ve begun to feel isolated and haven’t told my partner how I’m feeling, as she’s stressed about the obstacles we’ve hit during the fostering process. I’m worried I’m a lost cause, and these false allegations may prevent my partner from getting custody. How do I stop these feelings?

It’s totally understandable this level of scrutiny will make you uncomfortable but it’s only right that social services do everything they can to ensure this child has a stable home life. Rather than see this a personal attack, try to see the extra checks as good for this little girl and your whole family. In the meantime, keep attending your therapy sessions. It’s really important that you speak to your therapist about your feelings at the moment. Talking the thoughts through will only benefit you. Tell them you are worried that you could be used as a reason to prevent your partner from gaining custody of her granddaughter. The therapist will help you address these feelings. My pack on counselling has more information on how it works. You can also speak to FASO, False Allegations Support Organisation (false-allegations.org.uk), who may be able to help you come to terms with the fake claims against you. I do hope that these necessary checks will soon be complete and that you will soon be able to focus on caring for this child.

Miles apart

Should I move away from my children for my new girlfriend?

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30024491/move-away-children-girlfriend/

I’ve fallen head over heels for an amazing woman, but we live hundreds of miles apart, and I can’t bear the thought of leaving my children behind if I move to be near her. I’m 40 and divorced. I have three children, aged four, five, and seven, who live with their mother. I’m on good terms with my ex, and I’m still heavily involved in our children’s lives. I pick them up from school three times a week and have them every other weekend. It’s rare I go more than a few days without seeing them. My girlfriend is 27 and single, with no kids. We met online when she was in town for work, and on our first date, it was love at first sight. We’ve now been together for eight months, and I would love to move near her, but that would mean only seeing my children once a month.The last thing I want is to leave them, but I’m completely torn. Am I being selfish even considering this?

This relationship is relatively new, so try not to make any rash decisions. The fact is, while you are very much part of your kids’ lives now, moving away would mean you’d become a dad they only saw once in a while, and this is likely to affect them badly. Don’t consider disrupting your children’s lives until you are sure this relationship is right. Could your girlfriend move, as she has no children? If things last, you will have plenty of time ahead to plan to live close by.

Demoted

I've lost faith in my company after the workplace bully was promoted to manager

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30044944/company-workplace-bully-promoted-manager/

I’m furious that a workplace bully has got promoted, despite her appalling behaviour. It’s made me lose faith in my company, and now I want to quit. But I love what I do, and have been there for years. I’m a 48-year-old man, and work as a sales manager in a local food company. Until recently, I’ve always enjoyed my job, which involves lots of face-to-face meetings and teamwork. I get on with almost everybody in my team and consider many of them friends. But there’s one woman, about 30, who started last year, and whom I cannot stand. She is fiercely ambitious and backstabbing, and she frequently reduces some of my female colleagues to tears. She is vile to me too. Last week, it was announced that she was being promoted to a management role, despite having far less experience than me and several others. When I complained I wasn’t taken seriously. It’s made me lose all faith in my company and in justice. She should be sacked, not rewarded! What can I do?

Your anger is valid, but it would be rash to walk out of a job you love without trying to resolve things first. If you feel forced out, you could be looking at a case for constructive dismissal - in other words, you were made to leave because of this person's behaviour. You need professional advice. If you’re a member of a union, talk to them. You can also contact ACAS (www.acas.org.uk, tel: 0300 123 1100) for free, confidential advice on workplace issues. You and your colleagues should keep a detailed diary of every incident with the bully. My support pack about Bullying has more information.

WAKE UP CALL

I have fallen for my friend's sister - then I saw her without her make-up

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29925740/fallen-for-friends-sister-make-up/

I THOUGHT my friend’s sister was stunning until I saw her without her make-up on. The sight of her blotchy skin, tiny eyes and thin lips made me want to run screaming. I’m 25 and my date is 22. I’ve known my friend since primary school but hadn’t seen his sister in years until his birthday. She was the most beautiful girl in the room and I couldn’t resist asking her out. We got on really well and after a couple of weeks we went back to her flat and had great sex. When I woke up she had taken make-up off. I was horrified because she looked completely different, unattractive even. How do I handle this? I don’t want to upset her or my friend.

It would be a shame to end this when you have great chemistry. If you do not want to see her again then say you had fun but would rather just be friends. There is no need to tell her the truth which would be unnecessarily cruel.

House Scare

I’m dreading going back to university because of my nasty housemate

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29909459/dreading-universty-housemate/

My nasty housemate is making me dread going back to university. He’s made it clear he doesn’t like me, and I don’t know how I’m going to cope living with him. I’m a 19-year-old guy. He’s the same age. We’re on the same course. He has always treated me like I’m a waste of space - giving me dirty looks and scoffing when I talk or make a joke. Next term, I’m moving into a shared house with a group of friends.I didn’t realise someone had asked him to join us, so the rent is cheaper. Everyone else is happy about this. The idea of sharing a home with him is making me so miserable.What can I do?

Unfortunately, there’s always going to be people you don’t get along with. Talk to your friends and see if they can help you and the other guy smooth things over. They’ll want a harmonious house too. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, might help you to talk to them and him. Rows With Friends would also be useful for you to read.

Dear Deidre

I've fallen out of love with my husband and in love with my kitchen fitter

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29888740/fallen-out-of-love-husband-kitchen-fitter/

I’ve fallen in love with my kitchen fitter – and out of love with my husband. At first I stayed out of his way while he worked but as the month wore on, I found myself laughing and chatting with him. I started to look forward to him arriving, making sure I was dressed and presentable. I'm 35, my husband’s 39 and we’ve been married for ten years. We have one daughter together, aged seven. My husband works long hours managing a restaurant and bar and I run an online clothing shop. When the kitchen was finished, we exchanged numbers and we started messaging regularly. We’d talk about everything — and I mean everything — such as what we enjoyed in bed. Then the inevitable happened. We’d had a few drinks at a bar and we got too close. Things escalated very quickly and we started exploring sexual fantasies together - something my husband has no interest in. Ever since our relationship has blossomed and I’ve fallen head over heels for him. We used to have a blissful marriage until I discovered a year ago that my husband had been having an affair. I felt so betrayed and things haven't been the same since. I had no intention of being unfaithful, but my lover was so attentive it was hard to resist. My lover, who is 45, wants to support me and I’m ready to leave my husband for him, but I don't want to hurt my daughter. I’m in such a mess and I feel so trapped. My lover has been so patient but I feel guilty about keeping him waiting for so long. I worry all the time he might find someone else.

You sound certain that you want your marriage to end but before you make any rash decisions try to remember you’re in the heady, early days of romance with your lover. Things are bound to feel amazing and it’s natural to want to follow that exciting feeling, but I would urge you to think long and hard if your marriage is worth fighting for. You should only leave because you are unhappy, not because you have a lover by your side. The last thing you want is to tear your life apart and discover life with your lover doesn't measure up. My support pack Torn Between Two Men will help. If you decide to stay, couples counselling will be essential. You can find support through Tavistock Relationships, (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975).

BROKEN HEART

I can't seem to lift daughter's mood since her boyfriend dumped her over text

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/30201155/help-daughter-boyfriend-dumped-text/

OUT of the blue, my daughter received a text from her boyfriend telling her their relationship was over. She’s devastated. He sent her a single text wishing her “a good life” but added simply “we’re over”. Now he has blocked her from all his social media sites. He lives in Sweden and they only met up in person twice – yet still my daughter cannot let him go. Now she is planning to travel to his home town to tackle him face to face, which I know is a terrible idea. My daughter is 29. She’s had three previous relationships, each lasting a couple of years. This relationship was mostly conducted over texts and phone calls and lasted for seven months. I’ve tried to help her since this man dumped her but nothing seems to lift her mood. She has written to him asking for a “proper explanation” but he never replies. How can I get through to her?

Seeing your child in pain is distressing, no matter their age. But if her partner no longer wants to be with her, there’s nothing she can do. My support pack Mending A Broken Heart will help. Reassure her this pain won’t last for ever and she can get her life back on track. Encourage her to go out with her friends, even if she doesn’t feel like it. And keep making sure she knows you are there for her if she wants to talk.

LEFT OUT

I chip in for workmates' birthdays but never even get a card in return

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29925735/i-pay-up-workmates-birthdays/

I ALWAYS chip in for gifts when it is workmates’ birthdays, but I’ve never even received a card. Recently I organised a surprise collection for two younger female staff members and they were chuffed to each get £100 gift card and bottle of wine and flowers. It made my day to see how happy they were with their unexpected gift. So you can imagine my disappointment when I walked into the office this week on my 40th birthday and there wasn’t even a card. No one even wished me “happy birthday”. I wonder why I bother organising whip-rounds for my workmates.

Firstly, happy birthday! It’s a horrible feeling when you’re left out in a situation like this. The next time someone asks for a contribution, you are perfectly entitled to refuse and you don’t have to justify your reason. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help you do this without making a fuss.

DEAR DEIDRE

I forgave my husband after two affairs but I cannot have sex with him anymore

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29925734/forgave-my-husband-cheat-sex/

I FORGAVE my husband after he had sex with two women, but there is one thing I still can’t do and it’s driven a wedge between us. He is the love of my life and we are desperate to get our lives back on track but since I discovered he had a two-month affair with a colleague five years ago, I haven’t been able to have sex with him. We have kissed and started caressing each other, but when push comes to shove, images of them flood my mind and I get overwhelmed with emotion. Now my worst fear has come true — he’s strayed again. Last year, my husband began meeting up with a new group of friends regularly at the pub. We’re both 50 years old, and this was a first for him. I was so suspicious, I went through his phone. Reading his messages it became clear he’d met a woman at the pub and after a few pints, booked a hotel room and slept with her. She’s ten years younger than me and is everything I’m not. I confronted my husband after I found the messages, and he blamed our non-existent sex life. I’ve tracked both women down on social media and while I haven’t contacted them, I know the frequency with which I look at their posts isn’t healthy. We’ve decided to stay together and he’s even blocked his lover on social media, but I can’t bring myself to sleep with him. I know we need to improve our sex life for things to get back on track. He is trying everything to prove I can trust him. But I can’t get rid of the images of him with these other women. How can I save my marriage?

By being unfaithful twice your husband has broken your trust and needs to earn it back. It’s good that he is making an effort but taking you on dates and buying you flowers only goes so far – you both need to address the underlying issues that caused this situation. Instead of setting up dates where you may feel the pressure to later have sex, set aside times to be intimate. That might mean simply cuddling on the sofa and watching a film, or going for a walk and holding hands. Build up your physical relationship slowly. While you are regularly watching what these two other women do on social media you are keeping yourself more connected with the infidelity. Block them both to enable yourself to move forward mentally.Sex and Relationship therapy would help you, COSRT (COSRT.org.uk) can recommend a reputable therapist.

No boundaries

My partner's ex muscled her way onto a family holiday with him

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29909452/partners-ex-holiday/

When my partner’s ex found out I wasn’t able to go on holiday with him and his kids, she muscled her way in instead. He’s agreed to it, and I’m furious. I’m really uncomfortable with the arrangement, yet he expects me to be OK with it. I’m 40 and my partner is 48. His ex-wife is 47, and their daughters are 15 and 13. The girls live with my partner, which means they only see their mum on alternate weekends. I’m more of a mum to them than she is, if I’m honest. It’s the elder girl’s 16th birthday in November, and my partner has booked a week in Tenerife for her and her sister to celebrate. As it’s in term time, and I work in a school, I’m unable to go. It’s too expensive to go during the school holidays. The girls must have mentioned this to their mum because the next thing I knew, she’d muscled her way in on the holiday. She says she’ never gets to spend quality time with her girls, and this is the perfect opportunity. My partner doesn’t want her to go but has reluctantly agreed.And to make matters worse he’s paying for her. Most read in The Sun Pregnant mum's baby dies after hit & run on pedestrian crossing as 6 arrested Mum-of-three 'died after being raped by stranger on bench during night out' Inside Hollywood's love of Ozempic & what slimline star really thinks of jabs Strictly’s Wynne Evans finds love after marriage split left him suicidal I’m not jealous or worried anything might happen between them. He finds her exasperating and has told me he wished he’d never married her - although he loves his girls. But I think it’s totally inappropriate. Am I wrong to feel this way?

Your feelings aren’t unreasonable at all. Few people would be happy to wave their partner off on holiday with their ex, when they wanted to go. However, you need to think of the girls’ feelings here too. It might be good for them to spend a week away with their mum. And if you try to stop her going, they would probably resent you terribly. If possible, see if you can go out to join them for a weekend while they’re away. Talk to your partner about how you feel, so he can reassure you. Ask him to always check in with you regarding his ex - so that you can make decisions as a couple in the future. Being a stepmum is never easy. My Stepfamilies support pack has more information and sources of help.

Worried sick

I fear what my son will do to himself after he failed his A-levels

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29888742/fear-son-failed-his-a-levels/

When my wife tried to commit suicide my whole life turned upside down, now I’m worried sick as I think my son is struggling with his mental health too. Thankfully my wife survived and received treatment but I live in constant fear that my son might not be so lucky. He’s 19, unemployed, and still lives at home. He had always wanted to go to university, but when his A level results came back he didn’t achieve enough credits for any of his choices. We tried our best to comfort him, assuring him that this wasn’t the end and he could always re-sit. But then all of his friends left and he took it really hard. I knew he felt as if he’d been left behind. Ever since he’s been a shell of a person and hardly spends any time anywhere other than his room. Most days he doesn’t even get out of bed and only comes downstairs to eat. It feels as if he’s completely given up and has no interest in his future.We’re at a loss for what to do. It’s obvious he’s struggling but he has no interest in getting help. I even phoned his GP but the receptionist said he has to make an appointment himself.

Unfortunately as your son is legally an adult, only he can decide if he wants to seek help. As hard as it is, all you can do is support him and make sure he knows that you’re there when he’s ready to open up. Try to take things slow and on his terms. Listen, ask questions and avoid providing advice, unless he asks for it. Showing him you won’t judge or criticise him for his feelings, choices, or decisions may take the pressure off and help him decide to get help on his own. In the meantime get more support from Mind (mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393).

Abused

I can't leave my violent boyfriend because my boss is his dad

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29888743/leave-violent-boyfriend-boss-dad/

Over the last few months, my boyfriend has become violent but I’m too afraid to leave him because his dad is my boss. I’m 25 and he’s 28 and we’ve been together for two years. We had always had a good relationship but like any couple, we had our issues. Over the last year, we had been arguing more and everything shifted one day when he completely snapped. We were having a disagreement about him staying out too late at night when his anger got the better of him and he hit me. He had never been violent before but after that, everything changed. Now I don’t even recognise him and every day I walk on eggshells worried about when he’ll blow up next. I’ve completely fallen out of love with him and want nothing more than to be as far away from him as possible. Yet I’m forced to stay because we live together and I can’t afford to lose my job. All I want is to be happy and move on with my life but I feel so trapped.

You are feeling very isolated, which is exactly what controlling partners aim to do. Do talk to your family and friends and lean on them for support because as much as your boyfriend may want you to believe, you are not alone. If you have a HR department at work, you can speak to them confidentially on how to proceed and please contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (refuge.org.uk, 0808 2000 247) for more detailed advice.

Thank you

You helped reassure me when I was anxious about my family

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29909458/reassure-me-anxious-family/

I wrote to you because I felt anxious and sad about my daughter and grandchildren, who lived 100 miles away. My daughter had put the children, aged 18 months and three, in nursery five days a week. It worried me that she wasn’t able to spend much time with them, and I couldn’t help - except during the occasional weekend or holiday - because of the distance between us. I’m 57 and my daughter is 32. She’s a wonderful mum, but I worried one day she’d regret not being around when her children were so small. But I didn’t want to interfere with her parenting decisions. You reassured me that I was right not to interfere. You said nursery could be good for children, teaching them how to socialise, share, and advance their education. You also recommended that I contact Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222) for advice. Just writing made me feel better. You listened and empathised, and even said it was nice to hear from me, when I wrote back. Thank you, Deidre, for helping me get things off my chest.

Sometimes, just writing things down can be all the therapy you need. I’m so glad I was able to help.

Marriage woes

My fiance admitted she's not attracted to me anymore

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29888744/fiance-not-attracted/

After months of no sex I asked my fiancée if she was still attracted to me and to my surprise she said no, that it was my personality she fell for, not my looks. I suppose I now know why she never wants to come anywhere near me. I’m 42, she’s 39 and we’ve been together for four years. We used to have terrific sex and shared lots of laughs together, but since I proposed a couple of months ago she has seemed to drift away from me. I’m lucky if she even wants to kiss or cuddle and I can’t remember the last time we were intimate. To make matters worse, all we do now is argue. Everything seems to be an issue, whether it’s about money, our families, where we live, or even holiday plans, I'm constantly in the wrong. I’ve tried everything to reignite things between us, but I’m worried our spark has died.

This is not about your looks. Your relationship and sex life were great, it all started to change once you got engaged and that won’t just be a coincidence. She may be panicking about commitment and is unsure how to navigate this next phase of her life. Find a quiet and calm moment to talk to her and tell her how you’ve been feeling and promise that you’ll listen to what she has to say. I’m also sending you my support pack Relationship MOT to help.If she digs in and won’t talk, consider ending it - it’s making you both unhappy.

Dear Deidre

Cheating girlfriend sent ex sexy selfies and offered to show her 'white bits'

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29865788/girlfriends-texts-cheating-ways/

I was horrified to discover that my girlfriend had sent a message to her ex, offering to show him her ‘white bits’ after her holiday. Now I’ve learned they’ve been sending sexts and naughty photos to each other, and even meeting up. I’m 32 and she’s 29. We’ve been together for two years and I really love her. We used to have sex all the time. But over the past few months, I’ve noticed that she’s cooled towards me, especially when it comes to sex. One night, a couple of weeks ago, we were in bed, touching each other intimately and both enjoying it a lot, when she suddenly stopped and turned over. It didn’t make any sense and her excuse - that she was tired - didn’t ring true. It felt more like she’d suddenly changed her mind.It bothered me but she wouldn’t discuss it. Then, last weekend, while she was asleep, a message flashed up on her phone, which she’d left by the bed. I recognised it was from a guy she’d had a short relationship with before she met me. In the message he asked when she was free because he’d like to -nudge, nudge, wink, wink - give her his ‘very big present’. It made me feel sick, especially as she’s always said she’s never cheated on anyone and is against it. I managed to get into her phone and found several exchanges, including one where she’d sent him a sexy picture of herself. He’d complimented her on her post-holiday tan, and she replied that she couldn’t wait to show him her white bits. As far as I can tell, they haven’t met up yet, but I feel it’s only a matter of time. She didn’t shut him down or tell him she’s in a relationship. It’s eating me up inside, but I don't know how to talk to her about this.

You need to have a frank talk with her, even if it won’t be easy and means you hear things you don’t like. Sexting another man isn’t right, even if she is only flirting and has no intention of physically cheating. You’re concerned there is a gap opening up between you and you won’t be able to bridge this unless you can work through what is going on. Tell her you’re worried and ask her to be honest. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to have this conversation.

Big kid

My husband is incapable of sorting anything for himself

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29865793/husband-incapable-doing-anything/

Although my husband is a lovely man, he is like a big kid - incapable of doing anything for himself. I have to remind him to do everything from washing his car to locking the front door. He tells me I’m nagging him all the time, and I’ve had enough. I’m 41 and he’s 44. We’ve been married for 13 years. I fell in love with him because he’s fun, intelligent, kind and creative. But I’m starting to realise that while he’s a wonderful friend, he’s a useless husband. He doesn’t seem able to look after himself. If I don’t throw out his holey socks and tell them they need replacing, he doesn’t notice. I even have to tell him to shower and shave or he would forget.He does stupid things, like putting the wrong fuel in the car, or leaving his keys at home. But he seems to function well at work - he’s an academic. I used to laugh about his failings and pass them off as eccentricities, but now I feel resentful and irritated all the time, and he gets annoyed by my moaning. We have zero sex life and I no longer care. I do love him but I’m getting nothing from this marriage. But I fear he isn’t capable of change.

Your husband does sound like a Peter Pan - a boy who has never grown up and is emotionally immature. That leaves you in the position of being more like his mother than his wife. No wonder you don’t have - or miss - sex anymore. If you don’t say something and try to work on this together, your resentment will only increase. Explain how taking on the mothering role detracts from your partnership and that you want to improve your connection. Ask him to focus on one area and build from there. Perhaps taking care of his clothes, tidying them away without prompting for example. Couples counselling would be a very good idea. Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, tel: 020 7380 1960).

Dear Deidre

My husband flashed photos of our newborn baby to seduce his mistress

https://www.thesun.co.uk/dear-deidre/29846802/husband-photos-newborn-mistress/

My husband flashed photos of our newborn baby to show off to his mistress and used my family allowance to spoil her. I’m so hurt and angry - I’ve never felt such turmoil. His workplace affair started within weeks of me giving birth. I suspected something straight away as he was distant and didn’t seem to want to be involved with me or our baby. It took me months of asking what was wrong before he finally confessed to his affair. He only admitted to straying when I quizzed him about the large sums of money he was withdrawing from our account. He finally told me about this colleague who was struggling. Apparently he felt so bad he lent her a total of £650, oh, and had sex, several times with her. I was so angry I smashed a plate and threw a mug of tea which landed feet away from him. I literally couldn’t get my breath. The shock of his affair stopped me being able to continue to breastfeed I am 38 and my husband is 41. We have been together for eight years. Despite what he has put me through, it hasn’t stopped me from loving him or caring for him after he had minor surgery a few days ago. I am not a cold person. We had sex a few weeks ago but he has since told me that he hadn’t wanted to. I have never felt so rejected. He says he knows he has been stupid and he loves me. All my family and friends tell me what a good person I am, always giving and helping but I must be doing something wrong or missing something, otherwise why would he cheat on me. He is pleading with me to give him another chance but I am not sure I can.

Please don’t blame yourself. Your husband has put you in a difficult position and it will be hard for you to trust him again. Tell him rebuilding the lost trust does not happen automatically overnight. He has to work at it. You need to give yourself time. Having not long given birth you are vulnerable and will be experiencing many changes as your hormones fluctuate. Please lean on friends and family for support. To be making any life changing decisions now may not be in your best interests nor that of your son’s for the future. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you to think this through.