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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A lovely woman is first in line at a bus stop. | The bus opens its doors to let her on. She lifts her leg for the step and funds she cannot reach it. She realizes it must be her tight dress and reaches back and unzips it a little bit. Again, she brings her leg up and still cannot reach the first step of the bus. A little more embarrassed, she reaches back again and unzips her dress a good deal more. But again, her foot falls just short of the step. Finally she reaches back and unzips the dress almost all the way. At this point the young man behind her reaches forward, grabs her by the hips and lifts her to the step. Infuriated, she turns and nearly screams, "And what made you think you had permission to touch me like that!?" The man calmly replies, "Well, after you reaches back and unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the people that became octophobes after going to the buffet? | They eight too much! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I don't understand how people of color can be discriminated against | Aren't we all hue, man? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you do when a epileptic's having a fit in the bath? | Throw your washing in. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Italians are fighting Americans in the trenches | An American gets the idea to yell the name Luigi, and being a common Italian name when someone hears their name and looks up, they shoot him. "Hey, Luigi!" An Italian looks up and says "Yeah?" BANG After the Americans do this a few times, the Italians try it for themselves. They decide to yell the name John, being a common American name. "Hey-a, John!" An American shouts back "Hey! Is that you Luigi?" The Italian looks up "Yeah, itsa me!" BANG |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and dump them in the river. | I did it, but it broke my heart. I quite liked her dad. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why is it that if a girl has a lot of sex with guy she's a slut... | But if a guy does it he's gay? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A failed tv presenter, a disgraced newspaper editor and a phone hacker walk into a bar.... | ..and the barman says "What'll it be, Piers?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Are my testicles black? "NSFW" | ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK? A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are- My - Test - Results - Back?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I went to the clothes store where all women's pants were half-off. | But all the women there were fully dressed. Fucking liars. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | TIFU by vomiting on a cute co-worker | I told her, "Next time, lunch is on me." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | People are like trashcans | When you step on their feet, their mouth opens. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The oven and the woman are just alike | Because you have to get them both hot before you stick the meat in. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How to fix the wage gap. | Wagegap |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The doorbell rang so the son went to open the door. | - How is it? - I'm the house owner, I'm here to collect rent. - Mom! It's the owner. Do you have money or should I go play outside again? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | This joke about the Earth's rotation | Just made my day |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut? | "NASA: The Sky's The Limit" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Early in the morning, the father knocks at his son's door and yells, "Wake up, son! Time to go to school." | Sleepy, the son mumbles to his dad, "Listen, Pops... I'm not going to school today for three basic reasons: first of all because I'm dead tired, second because I hate that school and third because I've had it with those punks!" To which the father answers from outside the door, "Well, you're going for three reasons: first of all because you have a duty to perform, second because you're 45 and third because you're the school principal!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm 35 and I've never been in a serious relationship. | My wife wouldn't like to hear that, though. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | what is it called when your crush has a crush on you too? | Imagination. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | what's the difference between neil armstrong and michael jackson? | neil armstrong walked on the moon and michael jackson fucked little kids. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Honey, I think I'm ugly...." | So I pulled her infront of a mirror, stood right next to her and said: "Darling, I mean look a that sexy smile, that beautiful hair and those eyes....Just wow. No wonder you feel ugly next to me!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A group of scientists run an experiment on a frog | They teach it to jump on command by using flies as treats. Now when they say "Jump" the frog jumps. Then they chop off one leg. They say "Jump" and the frog jumps in a crooked path. So far so good. Finally, they chop off the other leg. They say "Jump" and the frog does not jump. It has been concluded that frogs cannot hear without their legs. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | She didn't realize tapping him on the shoulder would make him do this. | A lady in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question. She gently tapped his shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab and nearly hit a bus. He drove over the curb, almost going through a shop window. For a few moments the inside of the cab was silent. The shaken driver turned and said, "Are you ok? I'm very sorry, but you scared the piss out of me!" The passenger, very startled at this point, apologizes to the driver and says "I didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could scare some one so bad" The driver replied "no, no, I'm the one who is sorry, today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for over 20 years!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Grasshopper | Every day, Jim gets two six packs on the way home from work. When he gets home, he sits in his living room until they're gone. One day, just as he's getting to the end of the last beer, he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it, and sees a six foot tall grasshopper. Before he can say a word, the grasshopper punches him in the face as hard as he's ever been hit! Floored, he can't respond before the grasshopper leaves. He decides he'd better be in better shape, so the next day he only gets one six pack. Just as he's finishing the last beer, he hears another knock at the door. He gets up to answer it, a bit more wary this time. Not that it does him any good. The six foot tall grasshopper is there again, and this time hits him twice, each one as hard as he's ever been hit! Again, the grasshopper leaves before he can do anything. On the third day, he decides he'd better just skip his beer. He's sitting in his living room, stone cold sober, when he hears a knock at the door. He checks his peephole. It's the grasshopper. But he figures this time he hasn't been drinking and he can take him, so he opens the door. Before he can do anything, the grasshopper knocks him down and kicks him until he can't move. Again, the grasshopper leaves when it's done. Obviously he's in bad shape after that, so he goes in to see his doctor. He describes what's been going on. The doctor nods knowingly, "Yeah, there's been a pretty nasty bug going around." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What direction did the pirate go to get his bread?? | Yeast!! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | John robbed some coffee from Starbucks the other day. | The police are charging him for mugging. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I lost 10kg last week | I can't seem find that dumbbell anywhere. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you tell if a blond has been working at your computer? | There's white out all over the screen |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. | Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do women have trouble parking? | Guys always give them the wrong idea of what six inches is! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you know? | An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone. “Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!” The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!” He began his series of questions: Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me.” Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me.” Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you’re flying upside down?" Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So everyone is appreciating Newton for inventing gravity... | ...well, I don't. We could've all been flying now if it wasn't for that goddamn apple. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When I get home from work, my wife lets me put my feet up... | When we first met, I stuggled to get two fingers up... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a good joke and | A bad joke timing |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If your girlfriend starts smoking | Slow down and start using a lubricant |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Hear about the two gay Irishmen? | William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Policeman stops a tandem. | Excuse me sir. I think you've lost your wife back down the road. Thank god for that. I thought I'd gone deaf. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the hipster burn his lips? | He ate his pizza before it was cool |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So what if I don't know what 'few' means? | It doesn't mean a lot. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why doesn't Alabama have calculus teachers. | They don't like integration. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I told my girlfriend I'd buy her a wedding ring if she gave me a blowjob. | She's a sucker for love. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three drunk guys, Tom, Dick and Harry decide to rob a grocery store. | They somehow force into the closed store and start making a ruckus inside. However they are seen and the police are promptly called, by a bystander. An equally drunk police officers arrives at the scene. When the guys find out, they decide to wait it out in the back-room and proceed to it, upsetting each and every container on their way. They find three empty sacks on the floor and hide in them, Tom in the first one, Harry in the second and Dick in the third. The officer follows the apparent trail into the back room. He sees three lone sacks and proceeds to kick them one by one. When he kicks the first one, Tom barks softly "bow wow". The officer thinks it must be a puppy, and proceeds to the next one. This time Harry growls like a cat "grrrr"."Must be a kitten", he thinks and goes to the next sack. By this time Dick had everything figured out, so when the officer kicks him, he shouts "potato". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I wish people would stop acting like Chuck Norris is a god | If he really is so good why doesn't he teleport behind me and slam my head into the keyboard then hhjfdjusodbfhzoakcblkqoscsnjqpqkc |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Dentist: This will hurt. | Patient: OK. Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Sometimes I wonder | Why is that frisbee getting bigger? And then it hits me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers | Will make your car look fucking stupid |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If the Bald Eagle is the symbol of freedom and the Dove is the symbol of peace, what bird is the symbol of love? | The swallow. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why don't you tell jokes women on their periods? | Because they always OVARY-act! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you titillate an ocelot? | You oscillate its tit a lot |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do cows wear bells | Because their horns don't work |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two antennas get married . . . | . . . the ceremony was average but the reception was outstanding |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It's very difficult to gather mushrooms in Chernobyl | they scramble in all directions when you walk up to them. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Something about my mom's vagina feels odd to me | but I can't put my finger on it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? | They each got six months. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion | Probably because Mexico has more aliens |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A cop shows up to a gory car wreck (long) | A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report. "Left arm - found in ditch" "Left leg - found in ditch" ~~"Head - found in bulavard~~ ~~"Head - found in boulavard~~ *kick* "Head - found in ditch" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A nun decides to go golfing and invites a priest to be her caddy. | On the first hole, the nun hits an excellent shot, landing the ball right on the green. A short golf cart ride later, she putts and the ball rolls right toward the hole but veers left at the second. "God, I missed!" yells the nun. "Now, now, sister," the priest remarks, "don't use the Lord's name in vain, or he will strike you down." The nun shrugs him off and prepares to putt again. On the tenth hole, the nun again hits a wonderful shot, landing the ball once again on the green. The pair drives over to the green. The nun putts the ball and but it skips over the hole. "God, I missed!" the nun exclaims again. "Be careful, sister l, one must never use the Lord's name in vain, for he will surely strike you down!" the priest warns. "Yeah, I heard you the first time," says the nun dismissively. On the eighteenth hole, after a spectacular shot landing the ball mere metres from the hole, the nun gently taps the ball toward the hole. It rolls gracefully toward its target, spins around the inside of the hole and hops back out, resting firmly right on the edge. Infuriated, the nun shouts, "God, I missed!" Suddenly, the sky darkens and the smell of sulphur thickens the air. A massive and terrifying bolt of white lighting streaks down from the sky: a tendril of pure, divine, death-seeking light energy. With an eardrum-shattering crack and a blinding flash, it strikes the priest dead. A booming, mighty voice cries out from the heavens in frustration: "*GOD, I MISSED!*" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder... | The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?" "Africa!", says the parrot. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the vegetables say at the garden party? | Lettuce turnip the beet |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There was this man who walked into a bar and..... | There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If the Green Man lives in the Green House and the Blue Man lives in the Blue House, who lives in the White House? | The Orange Man |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A grocery store employee approaches a wise-looking Indian man wearing a turban and a luxuriously long beard | The employee tells the man, "Sir, you should see a doctor!" "Why do you say that?" he responds, puzzled. "Because you're looking a little Sikh!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A dolphin goes into the bar. | The barman says, 'Well, that was a bloody big tsunami!' |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do lawyers wear to court? | *Lawsuits* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How does Lady Gaga like her steaks? | Raw Raw RaAaAw |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | We had our first child and he's beautiful, but he had a rare birth defect. | He was born without eyelids. We had to keep his eyes irrigated and shielded from light while they searched for a pediatric plastic surgeon who could correct it. Fortunately one of the top surgeons in our region was available. When our attending physician explained the situation to him, he asked, "Has the patient been circumcised yet?" Our doc replied that he hadn't, and the surgeon explained his plan. The NICU cut a short length of 5mm silicone tubing and placed it over the tip of our newborn's penis, then carefully stretched his little foreskin over the end of the tubing and taped it in place. After 12 hours they replaced it with 7.5mm tubing, then after 24 hours they replaced that with 10mm tubing. The next day the surgeon arrived. They wheeled our baby into surgery where he performed the circumcision and then immediately used the recovered, stretched tissue to replace the missing eyelids. Afterward, the surgeon explained to us that he's done this surgery only three times before but it was always successful, and since it used the baby's own tissue there was virtually no chance of rejection. We thanked the surgeon and asked if there were any side effects we should look out for. "Well," he said thoughtfully, "he'll probably be a little cockeyed." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between Goatse and Donald Trump? | None at all. They're both yuuge assholes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A lynx walks into a bar | A lynx walks into a bar and says "Hey Barkeep! Mix me up a... ... ... Jackrabbit." The bartender says, "you got it buddy, but what's with the big paws?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I masturbate with soap | Just thought I should come clean |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I could tell you a black joke, | but you heard Jamal. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I recently had sex with a girl who I thought I was legal age | A wave of horror came over me when I noticed her toe tag said "15 years old" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Going To The Movies | I told my wife I wanted to watch a movie about a billionaire playboy with a penchant for darkness, inflicting violence and dressing up in masks. She got excited and asked, "Are we really go to see *50 Shades*?" I laughed and told her I was talking about *The Lego Batman Movie*. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | [NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis | It never strikes the same place twice |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's my idea of foreplay? | Half an hour of begging |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So I heard today... | Trump's wall budget is 3 Billion more than NASA's budget for the year...apparently NASA doesn't deal with as many aliens as trump does. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My dominatrix is busy training a new assistant... | I guess she's showing her the ropes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What pronouns should you use with a chocolate bar? | Her/she |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A friend once asked me, "If you could have any super power in the world what would it be?" | I told him: "Cold war Russia" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A boy asks the ice cream truck man. | boy : "Do you have onion flavoured Ice cream ?" man : " sorry, no I don't" the boy says " ok" then walks away. the next day the boy comes again " do you have onion flavored ice cream ? " asks the boy again. the man replies " sorry, I don't have any" the boy walks away but also comes back the next day asking the same question, and gets the same reply the man decides to get onion flavored ice cream just to sell it to the boy, "if he asked for it so many times he probably will buy a lot" he thought. the next day as suspected to boy comes and asks " do you have onion flavored ice cream " the man says : " yes! a whole lot of it too" the boy : " haha that sucks, who would buy that shit" and walks away. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My teacher said, because I was acting up in class, I have to do a book report on the largest bone in the arm. | Isn't that humorous? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do politicians always claim to be religious? | Because sects sells. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the claustrophobic ninja do when he fell down a well? | He flipped out |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a person who doesn't like Soviet Russia? | A citizen of Soviet Russia |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a triangle that gets into a car accident? | A rektangle |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | No actually I am not single | I am taken For granted |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Do you know the way little children run towards the waves of the ocean but back up the very last second? | That's the exact same way I flirt with girls |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do gay horses eat? | Horse dick. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | For Valentine's Day, me and the girlfriend are just gonna stay in and watch a movie. | Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why does Gordon Ramsey like to have sex with a condom? | Because he hates it raw. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car crash on the Golden Gate Bridge? | He left his heart in San Francisco. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man walks into a McDonalds. | He sees an elderly couple with one Happy Meal. They take out all of the food, lay it out on the table, and start splitting it. They split the burger in half, split the fries into two equal piles, etc. But what strikes the man as odd is that only the husband begins eating. So the man walks over and says, "I can buy you another Happy Meal if you like." The elderly woman replies, "Oh no, we share everything." The man waits, and only the old man continues eating. The woman sits there and watches. So he goes back over and says, "Ma'am, I would be *honored* to buy you another Happy Meal." "Oh no," she replies, "you misunderstand. We share *everything*." Slightly exasperated, the man asks, "Then what are you waiting for?" The elderly woman replies, "The dentures, of course!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A bought a farewell card for only a penny... | It was a good buy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a lesbian dinosaur | A lickalotopuss. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the mad scientist deliberately create a huge fire tornado? | Some people just want to watch the whirled burn. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If the US stops minting pennies, 99¢ deals will disappear | because they won't make cents any more. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!" | "Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back | Luckily I was the one facing the TV |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I once when on a date with a girl who didn't swallow. | There was soup everywhere. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two goats on top of a hill... | There are two goats on top of a hill eating grass. One says to the other I wish this was the kind of grass that gets you high. The other says did we not just climb this hill? |