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Rick_and_Morty_Transcript

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Beth

performing heart surgery on a horse. Scalpel.

Davin

Scalpel. Jerry enters the room.

Jerry

Knock, knock.

Beth

Jerry?

Jerry

My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "hey, why not swing by where your wife works?" The heart rate for the horse starts beeping really fast.

Tom

offscreen) We're losing him. (Beth adjusts the horse's organs.

Tom

offscreen. Okay, he's back.

Beth

Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason.

Jerry

Well, it's lunch. I mean, it's one of three meals that have existed for millennia. the heart rate starts beeping again.

Tom

offscreen) Losing him. (Beth adjusts the organs again.

Tom

offscreen. Stabilized.

Beth

Okay, I only ask, Jerry, because, as you know, my job involves performing heart surgery.

Jerry

Well, yeah, on horses.

Beth

Excuse me?

Jerry

Okay, Let's not rehash that fight. I sense that you're busy and will now be on my way. drops a pamphlet on the ground.

Jerry

Whoa! What is this on the floor? Some kind of literature for a really nice-looking nursing home. Hey, honey, crazy idea bad pitch let's put your dad here. Let's put your dad in a nursing home. Beth looks at Jerry angrily and the heart hate starts beeping again.

Tom

offscreen. We're losing him.

Beth

Hey, Tom! We know when we're losing him. WE CAN HEAR THE BEEPS!

Rick

There she is. All right. Come on, Morty. Let's go.

Morty

Oh, geez, okay. Rick and Morty go through the portal and end up in a crazy alternate dimension.

Morty

Oh, man, Rick. What is this place?

Rick

It's Dimension 35-C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Morty, called a Mega Tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega Seeds. They're they're incredibly powerful, and I need them to help me with my research, Morty.

Morty

Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.

Rick

All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Morty, we're gonna be— a gigantic alien monster suddenly appears behind them.

Rick

HOLY CRAP, MORTY RUN!!! they take off, running in complete and total fear as the monster chases them.

Rick

I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Morty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Morty!

Rick

having apparently escaped, they are walking through Dimension 35-C, continuing their adventure.

Morty

All right, Rick, look how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now?

Rick

Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us. Look at that thing right there. a weird looking monster is seen cooing and rolling around on the ground) What the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind of thing at school? (offscreen) Look at it just lumbering around. (onscreen.

Morty

Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind of the reason why I want to leave. they come up to a cliff and Rick stops him there.

Rick

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Morty, you see this? he and Morty are looking down upon a vast forest of interdimensional trees.

Rick

You see what we just stumbled upon, Morty? Any idea what that is down there?

Morty

The mega trees?

Rick

That's right, Morty the mega trees with the mega fruit on them and that's what I'm talking about, Morty. That's where my seeds are. If we would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because you're so in love with school.

Morty

All right, all right. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways?

Rick

You ask a lot of questions, Morty. Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an burps) under- (burps) underfoot figure. (Rick gives Morty a pair of shoes and Morty proceeds to put them on.

Rick

Just take these shoes, Morty. They're burps. special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things, these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Morty up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together.

Morty

walks off the cliff and plummets to the ground, screaming and smashing into rocks.

Rick

You have to turn them on, Morty! The shoes have to be turned on!

Beth

I am not putting my father in a home! He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a mattress like last month's Victoria's Secret?

Jerry

I told you I was ordering you something for Valentine's Day. More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son.

Davin

Everything cool in here, Beth?

Beth

It's fine, Davin.

Davin

Okay, cool. You know, we did something great today. There's nothing more noble and free than the heart of a horse. Jerry closes the door on Davin.

Jerry

Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, I will come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies.

Beth

Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Morty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend. the phone starts ringing.

Jerry

sighs. Well, maybe you're right.

Beth

Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. I'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon?

Jerry

coughs) Ahem, Horse heart surgeon. (Beth answers the phone and gets a call from Morty's principal, Gene Vagina.

Principal Vagina

Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina, no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?

Rick

standing by Morty, who is lying on the ground with his legs broken) Morty, oh, you really d-did a number on (offscreen) your legs right now. You know, you got to turn (onscreen.

Morty

I'm in a lot of pain, Rick!

Rick

Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Morty?

Morty

Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this! I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Ow! Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but-but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.

Rick

Okay, hold on just a second, Morty. opens another portal and leaves Morty behind, lying on the ground to suffer for a few seconds.

Morty

Ooh! Ohh! Ooh! Hnngh! Hoo! Ooh! Ohh! Aaaaagh! Oooooh! Rick finally returns and injects Morty's legs with medicine, healing them to perfection.

Morty

Ooh, Ohh, Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuff just healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you.

Rick

Don't worry about it, Morty. Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?

Morty

Sure thing, Rick. goes up the tree and gets the Mega Fruit while Rick talks to him.

Rick

Not that you asked, Morty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. offscreen. The stuff was all over the place, Morty.

Morty

Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.

Rick

There's just one problem, Morty one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, that burps) they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Morty, and they had been forever. I was the only old person there, Morty. (burps.

Morty

What?!

Rick

It's as good as garbage, Morty. It's not gonna work anymore, Morty.

Morty

Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? I-I have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?

Rick

There's ways to get back home, Morty. It's just it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through interdimensional customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid.

Morty

Uh-oh.

Rick

When we get to customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Morty.

Morty

In my butt?

Rick

Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.

Morty

Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that.

Rick

Well, somebody's got to do it, Morty. Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Morty

Morty

Uuuh.

Rick

And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Morty. I mean, you're young. Y-y-you've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for grandpa, Morty. Y- burps. you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.

Morty

In my butt?

Rick

Come on, Morty. Please, Morty. You have to do it, Morty.

Morty

Oh, man.

Principal Vagina

The fact is, your son, Morty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months.

Beth

What? Why didn't you notify us?

Principal Vagina

I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather?

Jerry

Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating?

Principal Vagina

Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school. they stop to see Summer and some other students, crying at an obituary for Frank.

Beth

Summer?

Summer

sobs. What kind of God lets this happen?

Principal Vagina

We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. chuckles. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.

Announcer

The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only.

Alien

So, I told him, "give me the blimfarx," you know? This-this guy he doesn't understand interstellar currency.

Alien

It's, like, I'm trying to eat a flimflam like, that's what we eat on Girvonesk.

Announcer

The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only.

Rick

Morty comes up to him, who is waiting in line to get through security.

Morty

Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt.

Rick

That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Morty. Those mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do a-

Gromflomite

Okay, next through. stops Morty. Except you. You go over there.

Rick

Why does he have to go over there?

Gromflomite

Random check. He's got to go through the new machine.

Rick

What new- burps. what new machine?

Gromflomite

It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt.

Rick

Run, Morty! Run! grabs Morty and they run through security and dart for the exit.

Morty

Aaaaaah!

Gromfomite

Red alert! team of Gromflomites starts chasing after Rick and Morty.