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Yep, you read that right. I woke up feeling terrible from allergies - I could hardly hold my eyes open and decided it would be best to stay home from work, so I opened up my laptop and began writing an email to my coworkers and managers. I quickly wrote up a message and sent it off to the roughly 40 people who needed to know I wouldn’t be in, closed down my laptop and went back to bed. A few hours later I checked my email to see if there were any important messages, and that’s when I discovered what I had done - a very unfortunate typo. In the subject line of the email, I wrote “Dick Day” instead of “Sick Day”. I was so embarrassed I contemplated taking another sick day the day after, just to avoid facing everyone. For the next year I suffered through endless jokes from my coworkers about that time I took sick time to jack off all day. It would be pretty funny if it wasn’t so humiliating lmao. to this day (a few years later) I’m still extremely cautious double checking the subject line on my sick day emails.
TLDR: Took a sick day, wrote “Dick Day” in the subject line of my email to dozens of coworkers, managers, and my boss.
Edit: To anyone concerned that this is still keeping me up at night… don’t worry, it’s not. I returned to work the next day and laughed it off. I cringe a little when I remember this, but also find it super funny and tell people about it all the time | I feel your pain. I once wrote an e-mail to the entire company (1500+ people) concerning the new office printers. It was the manual for printing on letterhead in Dutch
Intended title: afdrukken op briefpapier (printing on letterhead)
Typo title: afrukken op briefpapier (jacking off on letterhead)
Got a lot of comments from my female co-workers and an award for "ICT tip of the year" |
This literally just happened.
Sometimes when I’m alone, I do goofy things with my voice. Exaggerated impressions, thick accents, general squealing, you name it. I live with family, so alone time where I can make noise carelessly isn’t common.
Well, one of the noises I make happens to be an exaggerated “oh fuck!”, a la that of a porn actress. It always makes me laugh because I’m an idiot like that, and I do it only once in a while, when the thought occurs and the place is empty.
Now we have very thin floors—so thin that if people are talking above you, you can clearly make out the conversation. This is important for later.
Today I was in my basement doing laundry, I dropped some clothes and exclaimed, “Oh fuck!” And of course, my brain instantly clicked, and I did that exaggerated, “Oh FUCK!” of a porn actress.
Now I didn’t just say “oh fuck”...no, I yelled it. I yelled it like I was a real estate agent getting DP’d in the kitchen of her open house.
This happened to happen right after my mom came home through the back door, directly above me. I hadn’t noticed as I had been talking to myself. Only in the silence of my forbidden impression did I hear the familiar foot steps above me.
I still haven’t gone upstairs. I’m not sure I ever will again.
TL;DR: While in the basement, I imitated that distinct “oh FUCK!” of a porn actress right when my mom came through the back door, right above me. We have very, very thin floors.
EDIT: Wow, I did not anticipate this much of a response! Thank you all for sharing amusing stories and all the rewards—if only this wasn’t my throwaway. It makes me happy that so many people were able to laugh at my FU.
For those asking for an update, I’m afraid it’s not all that entertaining—I did escape the basement, only after my mom went upstairs. Besides that it was a fairly uneventful night, thankfully.
For those asking to hear this impression...I’m not quite at the point of sharing that yet, sorry! If you’re really that curious, go watch some porn and you’ll likely hear something that’s pretty similar. | Two upvotes if OP is a guy. |
This actually happened a few minutes ago. Might as well whore some Reddit karma while my dick stops bleeding.
So this started a few months ago. I noticed a small red bump at the base of my penis, no way it was an STD related thing. Haha virgin Redditor. and I never let it touch public toilets. Also was at the top left of the base
Anyway I noticed it and thought it was a weird thing that just happens and left it alone. Fast forward a couple months and it's getting bigger, I employed my normal strategy of "nah it's fine" however a couple of days ago I noticed it's big and red. I looked it up and found out penis pimples or ingrown hairs are not uncommon, but this thing was big. If this sized pimple was on my face I would have popped it a long time ago. But this was more sensitive.
I finally resolved to pop this fucker, it hadn't gone away for months and it clearly wasn't going to now. I was ready for the whole shebang, shave to make it easier, find a needle and sterilize it under a flame, have a box of tissue in hand, etc.
If only that had happened... As I was thinking of where to find a needle in my house I had to take a shit. So I do and then the thing fucking pops while I'm looking at it. I was actually a bit relieved that pus came out so I could be sure it was a pimple. But after I got the white pus out and it was blood, I realized it was still pretty big. I push onward and kept squeezing, after another layer of blood came out there was ANOTHER layer of pus. THEN an ingrown hair.
What penis God did I piss off to deserve this??
It was still pretty big so I kept squeezing and a fucking third (albeit smaller) layer of pus came out. I kept squeezing even though it was pretty small and it was just blood coming out. The bleeding stopped quickly and it didn't hurt that bad somehow, I'm now waiting to see if it will go away. If not I'm going to a doctor. Also not going to fap for a few days, don't want want to reopen the wound and become a bloody wanker.
TL;DR penis bump turned out to be a triple pimple and an ingrown hair, had to popped it before any prep work could be done. Hopefully not infected.
EDIT: Thanks for the awards lol. The bump has gotten smaller and I'm still applying Neosporin regularly, thanks for the tips y'all | "Bloody wanker" love it. Hope you heal up fam that sounds like a terrible situation! |
So this morning I was in court disputing a traffic ticket when I called the judge "your majesty"... | "Yes, your magesty"
*2 minute pause*
"All charges dropped"
|
My husband got invited to be a speaker in a conference, but it’ll be in Seoul. He didn’t feel like attending since he finds conferences annoying & hates long flights. But I wanted to go to Korea, and with hotel rooms and his flight paid for, it’ll be a cheaper trip for me.
Loads of whining and food bribes later, he accepted with the condition that I go to every event with him to keep him company.
...and then I realised the conference was happening too soon for me to get a visa. I’m Indonesian, and Indonesia’s not only a 3rd world country, it’s the world’s largest Muslim country....which means I’m always fucked traveling-wise and need a month to apply for visas to travel to most places.
So yeah. My husband is now on a flight to Korea, alone and miserable.
**TL;DR:** sent my husband on a trip he didn’t want to go to so I can tag along. And I can’t make it.
**UPDATE:** My husband’s [reaction](https://imgur.com/a/6XHY0) when I told him another redditor is attending the same conference & offered to hang out with him. | I was expecting OP to have send her husband to the wrong Korea |
Throwaway account because my dignity.
Obligatory this happened during midterms in October. I just haven’t had a chance to write about it until now.
This is going to be a long one, but I feel this story requires a certain degree of explanation before reaching the climax (no pun intended).
I’m a 26-year-old woman in a rather intensive graduate program. To put it in perspective, grad programs in this field typically take two years to complete, but the one I’m enrolled in is a one-year program. So right of the bat, I’m completing two years’ worth of coursework in one. Secondly, I’m now at a fairly prestigious university after having completed my undergrad at a not-so-great university. I always thought I had high standards for myself, but the expectations at this school are *much* higher than what I’m used to, and I still question all the time whether I’m actually good enough to be here. Thirdly, I’m not so great at handling stress. I am working with a therapist through campus psychological services, but I’m not finding their approach to therapy particularly helpful. And since that’s all I can afford right now with my insurance, that’s the best I can get.
Bottom line: I’m stressed out all the time. And midterms were *hell*: four hefty papers all due within three days of each other. Now, three of those papers weren’t so bad. They took a while to write, but at least I knew what I was writing. Paper number four, however… Guys, this paper fucked me *hard*. This paper fucked me like I’ve never been fucked in my whole life. And I’m in an English-related field, so believe me, I am *not* used to getting fucked by papers. I won’t bore you with the details, but in a nutshell, the paper required that we read a pool of approximately 30-40 journal articles and write a paper on their characteristics. (To be fair, we had from mid-August to mid-October to complete this assignment, so given the timespan, it *was* doable.) Now, if I were to write a list of all the reasons why this paper threw me off, I’d end up with a dissertation. In the limited space I have, I can’t fully explain why this paper was so hard, so please just believe me when I tell you it was *hard*. Yes, even though I’d spoken to the professor about it a few times. And it was worth about a third of my grade.
Anyway, this big bastard was due on a Monday, so I brought myself to the library on Friday, determined (after several failed attempts) to *at least* get an outline done. I tried for about 2.5 hours to draw up a plan to organize this thing, but for the life of me, I *could not* figure out how to cram all the required elements into a cohesive, logical argument, especially given the miniscule word count of the assignment (2,500 words maximum, when this paper *could* have been a fucking book). Now, at this point, it’s not that I was losing willpower or energy. No: the problem was that I was freaking out. I wanted to focus on this paper, but all my brain could do was assault me with a barrage of negative thoughts: *You’re going to fail this paper and fail this class and lose your financial aid and drop out of school and be a huge failure to everyone because you suck…* You get the idea. And then, to make matters worse, my mental distress started to express itself physically; I *wanted* to keep writing, but my hands were shaking so much I could barely even hold my pen. My neck was stiff as a board, my head burned above my eyes, my back was spasming a little, and my heart was pounding like a fucking jackhammer. And then.
And *then*.
I’ve Googled this and haven’t really been able to find a satisfactory explanation for what happened next. But I’ll recount the sensation as I experienced it. All of a sudden, I felt a *massive* rush of blood to my lower body. I can only guess this was some kind of adrenaline-related/fight-or-flight response. My entire bottom half suddenly felt as if it had been electrified: feet, legs… and lady bits. There I was, silently losing my mind in a library full of students studying for midterms, when out of the clear blue sky, my clit feels ready to burst.
I came before I even knew what was happening. It wasn’t some screaming, thrashing affair, but I did convulse in my chair and ended up moaning a little out of sheer surprise. And yes, people *definitely* noticed; I was on the quiet-study floor, so the room had been *silent* up until that point. I don’t think I was obvious enough that anyone would conclude I’d just had an orgasm in the library, but still… clearly *something* had happened. I packed my shit, went the hell home, and drank several screwdrivers at 2:00 in the afternoon.
As I said, I haven’t really found a thorough explanation for this (though I haven’t been searching too intensely). I have found the occasional anecdotal account of people having similar experiences. Mostly, though, I’ve been finding articles about how stress and anxiety *inhibit* orgasm in women. For my part in this research, I state for the record that stress can, indeed, spiral so low that is sort of bursts through the other side and expresses itself as sexual ecstasy, whether you like it or not.
Also, I got a 78 on the paper. But my professor assures me it won’t end up tanking my grade.
TL;DR: I got so stressed that I came involuntarily in my university library. Also, I may have masochistic tendencies and don’t know who I am anymore.
EDIT: Thank you all for your thoughtful responses, as well as for the silver and gold.
I'd just like to clarify on a couple of points that have been brought up: I did not procrastinate on this assignment. I completed the reading in a timely manner and gave myself plenty of time (more than a week) to write this paper. Given the rigor of this program, that is *all* the time I could give myself to do it. The paper just never quite happened in an orderly, timely fashion because I was so confused and stressed out. Normally I never put off things until the last minute. It just sort of happened this time because I had no idea what I was doing.
Secondly, I am working with a therapist on my stress management techniques. I recently told my therapist that I'd like to do some more intensive work for managing stress, and she referred me to an off-campus therapist who will accept my insurance. Hopefully, we'll be able to work together to figure out some solutions that work for me. Again, I'm very grateful for all the advice and input! I'm really glad I could make you guys laugh. You all have made me laugh, as well! | "I'll read what she's reading''. |
Obligatory, I bought it 3 days ago… but I just got it today.
So… I have considered getting a doll before because ya know… it’s tits and ass on demand. I justified it by saying it’ll save me time from having to go out and get girls IRL blah blah. And also I kinda thought it’d provide some company while I’m home alone lol.
I was looking at these $3,000 dolls and almost made the purchase but found a cheaper one for just around $1k. I couldn’t justify spending $3k knowing that there would be a high chance I’d regret it.
It came in a big box, I hauled it into my bedroom, it ways about 30kg.. I underestimated just how much that weighs. So I sliced open the box and started removing the packaging and I could see it’s little fucking toes poking out and I was like… oh shit… here we go. Kept removing the packaging and of course I grabbed the tits as soon as I saw them. They’re okay, but nothing like the real thing ofc.
I pulled the cold corpse of a doll out of its box… it didn’t have its head screwed on.. so I unwrapped the head, plonked that on.. and it’s a half decent looking thing. Better than I was expecting tbh. I wasted no time sticking the electric warming stick up it’s pussy, waited a few minutes, dumped it on the bed and.. well, we had a play.
Ngl… it’s better than a hand or pocket pussy but believe me, once you “finish”… you now have to wrestle it’s cold body, clean what needs to be cleaned (in this case I unscrewed it’s head and basically force fed it water in the sink lol). I hadn’t yet thought… where tf do I store this thing. It’s about 160cm tall… so I plonked it in my closet on a cabinet wrapped it in a blanket and Jesus Christ.. it looks like a corpse.. literally. I now have to walk in there every day to be greeted by a cold wrapped up corpse when I need to grab some clothes. The heck do I do with it, it’s corpse or bye bye $1k.
tl;dr: If you aren’t actually THAT lonely and only getting a sex doll “out of curiosity”, there is a very big chance you’ll regret it. | Post nut clarity is so real in this one. |
I(M) invited my girlfriend to my house today. How could it go wrong? Parents caught us having sex? Parents caught us in the middle of something that looks extremely awkward from the outside, like a weird game? No, god no. If a god is out there, clearly I haven't prayed enough because holy fuck. The things I'd do to take this back.
To preface this, me and my mom are quite close. We talk a lot about topics most people can't with their parents from masturbation to marriage issues. My girlfriend knows I'm quite open about a lot of stuff, like the fact that I watch hentai and jerk off almost excessively. Yes, you can reach this level of openness with your parents. I'm not anywhere near as close with my dad, but my mom (and some younger siblings, who cares) was the only person home at the time. What my girlfriend didnt know is that me and my mom do not under any circumstances discuss our kinks or fetishes. My girlfriend did however know I like to crossdress(among some other stuff.)
So my mom picks us up, gf and mom meet eachother and talk about some stuff. They're just casually chatting and then my mom makes a joke about me having panties in my drawer. I shrug it off with some comments about how I do you know, adding to the joke. We are laughing then my girlfriend starts saying "Well uhm yeah you know how he um... yeah does that and stuff" and variations of it for what felt like the longest 5 or so seconds of my life. I would love to see the look on my face as she basically told my OWN MOTHER that I crossdress for sexual pleasure. She didn't explicitly say, but it was heavily implied by context, and the fact that I instantly started panicking, the look on my face and body language would have given it away. My mom is a smart person, and she definitely would've known.
TLDR; Invited gf to house, she told my mom I wear panties sometimes. | If there's anything else off the table to discuss with your mom, have a discussion with your girlfriend now. |
I live in a tall household. I'm a 5'11" lady and my housemates are 6'1" and 6'5" respectively. We can reach high things.
We got a cat a couple of months ago that we're basically obsessed with. He is not tall (it's not his fault!).
A few weeks ago we started cracking the windows because the landlord turned the heat on and it's hot AF. This led to the occasional insect coming inside to chill on our ceiling. It drove the cat nuts.
So we started lifting the cat to the ceiling to "hunt" because we love him dearly and because it was funny as shit. Cat is happy, we're amused. The only loser here is the fly that picked the wrong apartment. Wrong.
Fast forward to today. The cat now considers the ceiling his hunting grounds and will spend an inordinate amount of time staring at the empty ceiling and crying for prey. Can't help ya, bud. Please stop crying?
TL:DR I gave my cat a taste of the high life now he's down in the dumps.
Edit: punctuation matters.
Edit: GOLD! Thank you kind stranger.
Also, [cat tax](https://imgur.com/a/DPEaOts)
Edit the third: An awful lot of you have never heard of steam heat. Pre-war buildings tend not to have central air so heat is supplied via steam pipes and radiators using a furnace in the basement. In especially shitty hipster apartments the radiator is either off or on. Guess what type of apartment I live in. | Build a cat superhighway! Some shelves or drawers close to the ceilings. My cat goes into "scan mode" often cuz he's obsessed with stink bugs so we gave him an easier way to get to them. Very entertaining |
This happened to me a week ago but I was just too embarrassed that every time I thought about it, I would get sick in my stomach.
So for starters, I’m not a good singer AT ALL, I’m the kind of person that gets last place at karaoke games every single time. I do love singing tho, especially when I think I’m alone.
Currently I am staying in Croatia and there’s a small town nearby with a tiny tiny church. Me and my girlfriend went inside and there were amazing acoustics inside. (The type where you can sing great operas or horror movie soundtracks)
I decided to firstly sing the Halo theme song and it sounded great.
We went outside and decided to grab a drink before leaving the town, but on our way out we walked past the church again. I begged me gf to go inside again so I could sing a song from the Hobbit (misty mountains) and decided to record it. My girlfriend was embarrassed and decided to stay outside whilst I sang at almost the loudest I could and I think it sounded amazing. (I haven’t listened to the recording because I’m too scared to).
After I finished the song I went outside of the door and at that moment I noticed that the church was across the street from a restaurant. A restaurant filled with probably 50/60 tourists just STARING at me.
All. Of. Them.
My girlfriend was standing around the corner with the biggest grin ever saying that a lot of people were recording and laughing at it.
Me being a person with incredible anxiety issues (yay for therapy) decided that the best option was to just... run away. Not looking back a single time.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life and it gives me shivers everytime I think back.
TL;DR found a church with amazing acoustics where I decided to sing a song from the Hobbit, but accidentally sang for a lot of people that were across the street.
Edit: [here’s the video of me singing](https://streamable.com/7cg7di) | Not a fuck up.
When you were singing, and hearing the acoustics how did you feel? Focus on that. |
I am currently a university student. All classes are being delivered online due to the pandemic and as such we log into Microsoft teams to participate in our lessons.
I logged in this morning for a group tutorial, all was well. Then I had a 30 minute break before my next class. Statistics this time round. In this 30 minute break my gf decided we should participate in some extra curricular activities if you know what I mean. So wham bam we got it on. Time was against us and whilst I managed to achieve the intended result she was somewhat lacking. Had time been on my side, and I was a better lover, I would have facilitated the equal achievement for my partner. However as previously stated I was required to study some statistics.
The lecture started and my partner continued next to me in the bed while I some what distracted tried to continue my studies. She achieved a spectacular orgasm with the full on porn sound effects, fantastic.
My lecturer tried to stifle a laugh. Then to my horror I saw I was not muted. Fuck. I think it was unmuted when I made the teams window fullscreen.
We valiantly carried on as if nothing had happened and my WhatsApp group exploded with comments. This has gone well.
On the bright side the lecture is recorded so I can relive my moment of shame at my leisure. Fuck stats.
TL:DR
Managed to unmute my mic whilst my partner orgasmed loudly next to me. In an online class.
Edit: I have reviewed the class. Whilst it's hilarious I cannot post the video, or audio, without seriously breaching the uni social media policies. You can clearly hear other students and the lecturer's voices and its not on to broadcast that. I have broadcast quite enough. | "Were time on my side, and I was a better lover"
Story of my life. Better luck next time mate 🤣 |
TL;DR at bottom
This story begins three days ago and concluded yesterday morning.
This is the most exciting shit that has happened to me in weeks, people.
I have, despite loving the outdoors, never been stung by a wasp, bee, etc. I have no problems with insects, hell I’ll pick up a spider, but the pointy asses I’m not a fan of (bees are cool though).
So I wake up and head to the bathroom to take my morning shit, I open the door and hear buzzing and notice Satan himself has decided to pay me a visit and is flying about my shower curtains.
I immediately noped out of there and begin brainstorming how to kill this bastard.
I had determined that the point of entry was my window as it was slightly ajar, I seal the weak point and prepare to suit up.
I then spend the next 20 minutes putting on multiple layers of clothing, 2 pairs of socks going on top of my pants, 2 sweatshirts, sweatpants, a shirt around my head and face “turban” style, a beanie, winter gloves...you get the point. I was impenetrable save the slit where my eyes were. I grab “The Executioner” which is a glorified electric tennis racket and was ready for war.
I slowly open the door to do some recon and see that little jerk was chilling on the ceiling vent. Close the door, grab The Executioner, take a deep breath and reopen the door.
The enemy has since taken up a more tactical position behind the lights above my sink...clever. It turns to face me and opens its wings up, ready to kamikaze my ass at a moment’s notice. It can smell fear, and probably the gallons of sweat I’m excreting from being in enough clothing to brave Mt. Everest. I’m fucking hot and shaking.
Thinking on the fly (hah puns) I grab a shirt and throw it at the winged heathen to try and flush it out of it’s position- success! Or so I thought.
It tumbled down for a moment before regaining control and I shit you not made a beeline (more puns) straight for me and in a panic I slam the door shut. My mom is telling me I need to close the vent in my bathroom otherwise It could get in and then the whole household would be compromised.
Understanding the stakes I muster the courage to open the door one more time only to discover that in my haste I have lost all visual of the enemy. Gone. After closing the vent I spent the next 10 minutes, still sweating balls, clearing the bathoom looking for that little shit. Couldn’t find it. I was convinced that it made it’s way into the ventilation.
All hands on deck. Code red. I close every vent on the second floor in every room and the vents in the hallway. I meticulously check my bathoom once again, under the sink, between the shower curtains, trash can, nothing. There’s nothing more I can do.
I spend the next two days afraid of my own fucking bathroom, carrying The Executioner with me like Jesse Pinkman and his pistol in El Camino. It must be in the vents, and so there it shall die.
I awake yesterday morning to take my morning shit, the first time that I didn’t take The Executioner with me and when I exit to go lie down in bed again I’m greeted with a familiar sound emanating from the window blinds next to my bed. Then I see it.
That skinny waisted, stabby assed, flying fucker flew under the radar and remained in hiding for TWO DAYS until I was UNARMED and then makes a move. It was in my room. Skulking. Lurking. Waiting. I see it fly behind my bed. The Executioner is on my nightstand. I’m without armor and in nothing but briefs.
On some wild west cowboy shit ready to draw, I make a move for The Executioner and backpedal to a central position where I can wait for it’s next move. Mano y mano, bitch.
I wait 5 minutes before deciding that I’ve had enough. I flank around the perimeter of my room and with one hand open up my window nice and wide, hoping and praying that I didn’t just invite the whole wasp cavalry to make a grand entrance into my bedroom if it decides to release attack pheremones.
It must’ve been behind my nightstand and felt threatened by my arm because it flew out and landed right on my forearm and before I could swipe it off and electrify that flying syringe it delivered me a painful parting gift. I freak out and trip backwards before it flew off out of my window.
Window shut. I lick my wounds. The vents are opened. The war is over, but casualties have been sustained. Honestly, that little asshole deserves to live, so long as it never returns.
TL; DR A wasp spawns in my bathroom. I failed at killing it. It disappears and remains hidden for two days before reemerging. It takes my sting virginity and escapes and I definitely didn’t pussy out
EDIT: FUCK YOU WASP I GOT PLATINUM! A couple pics of the possible yellow jacket nest we now gotta deal with, plus my “armor” and the heathen himself: https://imgur.com/gallery/exXFOhK
Edit 2: The culprit was a single paper wasp. The nest in the first picture is a possible yellow jacket nest, entirely separate, like some fucked up level 2 on the horizon after surviving level 1. | That was a wild ride man. Holy cow. |
This happened earlier today.
My partner and I stopped in at a pet store to buy food and litter for our cats. This pet store is part of a chain that works with rescue agencies in our area. Each location has an 'adoption centre' where cats who are deemed ready for adoption are kept.
Another detail: My partner has a sister whose name we shorten to "Kat". Kat has long volunteered for one of our local rescue agencies to foster cats, which are then brought to the various locations of the pet store chain in question. So we'll stop by the adoption centre to look at the kitties, and sometimes they look familiar. That's right: sometimes we see Kat's cats in the adoption centre. Of course, she takes care of so many at any given time that it's hard for me to keep track. But when I recognize one, I get pretty excited to see them ready to find humans of their very own.
Back to today: The pet store location we're at has the adoption centre nearer to the front of the store than most other locations, and so I went to look at the cats while my partner stood in line nearby. Then I see them. Two sister kittens who are eerily familiar; I remember one of them because of her name, and the other one because she looks like a younger version of one of our guys. I look up at my partner, and I ask VERY loudly:
"Are these Kat's? I think these are Kat's!"
I look at him, and he's just staring at me with a very concerned look on his face. Confused, I continued, a little louder:
"Seriously, I think these ones are Kat's!"
After a pause, a look of understanding comes to his eyes, and he just shakes his head. I then look at the other people in the line, who are also staring at me. Then I realized that, without the necessary context, it looked like a 30-something year-old guy who wasn't entirely sure what cats looked like, and that I was excited to maybe be able to identify them.
I return to the line up and just silently wish for death. When we make it out of the store, my partner tells me that even he wasn't sure what I was talking about at first, and was wondering if he should bring me to a hospital, before he understood what I was trying to say.
TL;DR: I stood pointing at cats in a busy pet store, asking my partner if they were cats. Many strangers looked on in confusion.
Update: Can now confirm, they were definitely Kat's. Also, a big thank you for the awards. I've never gotten any before! | This makes a nice, refreshing read to what is normally put on here. Thanks for sharing. |
I was on the tube on the way to see some friends in North London. Whilst looking around on the tube to pass the time, I noticed someone a few seats down that looked remarkably similar to an old friend of mine who I hadn't spoken to or seen for a while, although this person was a lot rougher round the edges and about 20kg heavier than my friend is.
As the resemblance was uncanny, I decided to sneak a quick photo of the person to send to my friend. When I got out of the tube and regained service on my phone, I sent them a message with the photo with the caption "this guy looks just like you if you packed on some pounds'.
The message was opened almost immediately...
No reply for a few minutes...
"That is me OP..."
I haven't been able to respond yet, I'm too embarrassed. I feel truly awful about it though. Serves me right for being a bit of a twat.
​
TL;DR took a photo of someone on the train I thought looked like a fat version of a friend I hadn't seen in a while, sent it to my friend and it turned out to be them. | This is a proper tifu |
Even though this happened over a decade ago, my family still occasionally roasts me for it.
Back when I was around 9 or 10 my family bought me [these toys for Christmas](https://m.imgur.com/a/AD358JS). As the pictures suggests, you could “connect” a figure's fists to anothers via the magnets on the fists themselves - which happened to be **really** strong.
You can probably see where this is going already... In my not-so-clever mind I wanted to see if I could connect the wrestlers to my foreskin. I remember stretching my foreskin with one hand whilst also holding one of the wrestlers fists against the stretched skin. Then with my other hand I grabbed the other wrestler and slowly brought its fist closer to the foreskin where the other fist was sitting on the other side. **SNAP** I fell over and screamed in agonising pain, as not only were Hulk Hogan and Goldberg stuck to my foreskin - they were pinching the end like a snapping turtle.
Hulk and Goldberg held their grip while I screamed in pain. I tried pulling them apart but due to the pain or panick I just couldn't.
To my absolute embarrassment, my Mum and Dad rushed into the room and had to pull Hulk and Goldberg from my dick.
This story is still brought up at Christmas dinners to this day.
TL;DR: Got Hulk Hogan and Goldberg action figures stuck to my dick via magnets and had to get my parents to remove them. | Nothing ever prepares parents for this kind of shit. |
Today I learned that Venmo takes the subject of your payment very seriously.
Every month when the power bill comes up, my roommate alerts us of in a comical manner. We've received the Star Wars title scrawl with the text reworded to describe the bill, the Stranger Things intro sequence, you get the idea. Well this time I get a link to a subtitled North Korean news broadcast, link [here.](http://www.captiongenerator.com/731812/NORTH-KOREA-POWER-BILL) So naturally I send my roommate the money via Venmo with the subject "North Korea is best Korea."
Within seconds, I get a notification in the Venmo app that my payment has been halted pending review by Venmo's compliance department per Office of Foreign Assets Control (OFAC) guidelines. There is a 48hr hold on the payment and I'm required to submit a statement of sorts explaining my payment. It's been about an hour and I've already had a phone call with the customer service department that can be summed up as "Can you not??"
It would seem that [there is a list](http://gawker.com/the-words-that-will-get-you-in-trouble-on-venmo-1738331672) of words that will get you into trouble on Venmo, but all the usual jokes about cocaine and hookers are good-to-go. It's been a fun morning.
TL;DR: Paid power bill with subject "North Korea is best Korea." Got flagged per Office of Foreign Assets Control (OFAC) guidelines. Still haven't been able to pay the power bill...
Edit: Here's the Stranger Things one he did for us last month: Removed as it had our actual names on it
Edit #2: And the Star Wars one: https://brorlandi.github.io/StarWarsIntroCreator/#!/AKrfBcVlS4JDf-QEeKBw
Edit #3: Despite all this annoyance, Venmo is still really useful and I'd recommend it. Just avoid funding rogue states and terrorists while you pay for mundane items. It's hard, but I'm sure you can manage.
Edit #4: They let the payment go through. At least their CS dept is pretty quick on these things. I hope that video made someone's day at Venmo. Now back to funding rogue states and terrorist groups. My monthly payments to the KGB and ISIS are late...
Edit #5: Removed Stranger Things link due to personal info issues.
Edit #6: Looks like the link to the vid in question is currently kill. Not sure if hug o' death or what. Meh, just keep F5'ing. What could go wrong?
**Edit #7: Link is no longer kill. Be gentle.**
Edit #7: Obligatory "Thanks for the gold kind stranger" or whatever edit.
Edit #8: [Proof for the doubters.](https://imgur.com/DQuGYwr)
Edit #9: No mirror for the link available. My roommate whipped it up at his office and we don't have a local copy of it. Hopefully the reddit hug ends soon enough for people to be able to view it. Sorry :( | Promote immediately to moderator in r/Pyongyang |
This happened yesterday and also english is not my first language so apologize if there are any grammatical error. Info I [21M] and my cousin [24F]
I know this is the most cliche story but whatever I just wanna share. I was staying with my aunt for a week as a mini break because my class has already ended and i just need to finish a final project for my grade. Me being horny af because of exams and such these past month haven't had the time to properly relax and releive myself which leads to rock hard morning wood every morning.
That day I woke up but haven't fully regained my consciousness so I was still half asleep. I had a huge urge to pee and I said to myself "fuck better take care of this or I'm gonna have self-induced golden shower." I got out of bed and hurried to the bathroom. When I wss really near the bathroom I had this bright idea to pull my pants waistband down and let it spring into action, for efficiency sake so I could go back to sleep asap. I barged right in and there she was, my cousin, fully naked both hands on her hair and me boner in hand. She was surprised as she has that deer in headlight looks on her and so did I. Now this is where I fucked up. We both froze, and we just looked at each other, scanning each other. As I was still half-asleep I thought to myself "fuck she is hot!". Until I snapped back to reality and realized it is her that all this time I was looking at. I pulled my pants up and immediately closed the door all in one smooth move as I said sorry multiple times. I ran back to my room in panic as I try to compose myself. When I'm back to my senses I forgot that I had to pee so I used the other bathroom (the bathroom that this incident happened was closer so I used that one) and went back to my room.
I'm fucked and I'm just glad that we both just froze and she didn't scream or something as it might've caused a scene. A bit of background my family is conservative, and this is especially true for my aunt family's and my cousin in particular. And I never thought of her other than a cousin. She is just a very kind, wholesome and fun person so we hang out a lot. And now I don't think I could look her in the eye. Fuck I feel so guilty.
This kind of thing has never happened to me before. I mean I have barged into my mom and my distant cousin in the past but it was nothing in my opinion as I always immediately apologize and close the door. The thing is I could remember that incident with her crystal clear, like every detail. God I'm so fucked.
I haven't met her since but my aunt has planned dinner for all of us tomorrow so its only a matter of time
Edit 1: both bathrooms have locks on them and I have checked the one where it happened that it was functioning properly.
Edit 2: words and formatting
TL;DR Hurried to the bathroom half-asleep boner in hand to find my cousin fully nude and we scanned each other like xerox as her nude is imprinted in my consciousness.
Mini Update:
So this morning she went to the room I'm using to let me know that breakfast is ready which to my head feels unusual. I went to the kitchen area get my food and sat with her in living room watching tv. As I ate I noticed something is different with her, she wasn't upset or anything but her vibe has changed. I don't know how to describe it tbh. We chatted a bit and I tried to come up with as many random topic as possible because I didn't want her to discuss what happened as my aunt is still in the kitchen area which is right next to the living room so she could hear everything. Finished my meal asap and excused myself back to my room. Throughout the day up to this point as I'm writing this she seems to kinda noticed me whenever I'm around. I don't know whether it was real or it was just in my mind.
I haven't had any proper talk about it with her. Yes, we usually lock the doors. Yes, I rarely knock. Objectively speaking yes she is insanely hot, like she has the ratio to summarize. I don't think I'm gonna go forward with this and I'm definitely don't wanna get kicked out just because of this. I plan to talk to her tonight after dinner.
Update:
Dinner went well I think. My aunt is also normal so I assume she hasn't talked to her about the incident. We generally just talked about the protest, covid and stuff so there aren't anything worth of mention. I did noticed throughout dinner the way she looked at me was.. attentive, like she was looking at me more than usual. I can't confirm really as I was more focused on the foods because it was so good.
Anyway dinner was done and I planned on going to her room afterwards when she is by herself. I must say I was really nervous at this point. I went there and her door was open and I could see that she was drawing something (her hobby is drawing so it is normal). I asked her that I wanted to talk about something. She said "Sure" while gestured to sit right next to her. For additional context in her room there is also a couch, a medium size one for like 2 people. I sat there and she was still fixated on her thing. I then apologized for what happened while stammering a bit because I was still nervous. When I was done, she stopped drawing and I looked at her face and she was blushing, I guess. I don't know really but I think there was a bit redness on her face. She just said "Oh, okay". Dead silence. I guess I must've zoned out beacause I expected more response from her and I was like "That's it? Really?". When I snapped back I asked her what did she draw this time to shift the topic because the situation was really awkward. It was about herself and proceed to make jokes(SFW) about it to break the ice. We both laughed for quite sometime as I try my damndest to lighten up the mood. After the mood is back to normal and we were done laughing I said to her that I have to do something.
Now this the part that gets me. She then leans in and gave me a hug which really suprised me as she has never done it to me before. So I hugged back as I thought it would be rude to leave her hanging. It wasn't a tight hug I think just a normal hug. When were done she said "I knew you'd feel the same" with a big smile on her face. I have no idea what she was referring to as my mind was still surprised. So I blurted out "Of course I would" In which I then immediately excused myself and we said goodnight to each other.
To this point of writing I still can't figure out what we were talking about because there was so much thought in my head that I wasn't really focused on the conversation itself. Tbh I don't think I wanna know what she was talking about. I just hope that was just some random shit and it was enough of an explanation and everything is clear so I can get this over with.
Final Update: Since some people requested an update. I left this morning and as I'm writing this I'm already back at my place. I tried not to think much about what happened as I didn't want to open a chapter in my life with this direction. I also didn't have anymore serious talk with her. The only thing of interest is that we spent yesterday watching the entire season of Netflix's The Witcher. I suggested it to her because I'm huge witcher fan and she hasn't seent it either and really intrigued in it. We already planned this way before the incident so there is nothing weird about it. We watched together on this couch-ish-bed thingy but I was too focused on The Witcher so I barely pay any attention on how she was with me. As I said I played all this safely because I didn't want to jeopardize my relationship with her. I also blocked all kind of thoughts of her in that direction, iykwim. That was it tbh. | Sounds like your cousin was holding your boner from the phasing |
a few months ago I was lying in bed about to fall asleep, when I start to hear a noise that seems to come from upstairs.
the noise was like a bouncing ball falling. the ball began to fall from very high and the noise intensified as it began to approach the ground. then stop. and would come back again.
the sound was soft but very close.
I am someone who sleeps anywhere, anytime, in any position. I'm like chuck norris falling asleep but this was crazy. a sleep deprivation torture.
the sound continued for another 30 minutes and stopped. there were days when it kept going for an hour straight. days when nothing just happened. sometimes I heard it during the day which was almost equally horrible because I couldn't concentrate if I was reading or watching a movie. but he appeared mostly at bedtime.
this went on for over a month.
one night I was very tired and decided to go to bed early (9pm).
and of course there was that motherfucker again.
I did not think. I got out of bed, opened the apartment door and climbed the stairs to my upstairs neighbors.
so there I was. no bra. wearing a t-shirt with prehistoric spots. some pants with three sizes over mine. and with the classic trousers inside the socks for extra heat. with hair where any bird would proudly wear as a nest. and of course knee socks of different colors and sizes because everyone has a black hole sucking socks inside the washing machine. at this point in my decaying life, I didn't even bother to put my shoes on.
so there I was, climbing the stairs with nothing planned to say.
as I approached the door I could hear a lot of noise in their house. I ring the bell and a girl opens the door. everyone in that house came to see what was going on. they were all very well dressed, as if they had come from a wedding or something and visibly lightly drunk.
so there I was in the hallway explaining to a group of fancy drunk people that there is a noise "like a falling bouncing ball" coming from that apartment.
she tells me she has housemates but the room above mine is empty.
I still say that it is impossible. that the noise comes almost every day and it's been a month and I'm starting to go crazy.
she says she doesn't know where the noise might come from. There is nothing at home that can make a sound that I tried to mimic.
yes, I imitated a bouncy ball with different voices for a group of fancy drunk people.
so there I was, thinking as we talked that none of this was going to get resolved and most likely would have to move house until I say, without much thought, "wanna go see it?"
so there we were, me and 8 other fancy drunk people in my small room quietly waiting for the noise to appear.
and of course, nothing happened.
I apologized to everyone, I took the fancy drunk people to the door and went to bed to spoon with my shame and retardness.
this was last week.
today a friend came here for the afternoon. while we were talking the wild noise appeared. I was hysterical.
"ARE YOU HEARING THIS"
"yea..."
"I can no longer with this noise, I think I'll have to move house."
"it comes from your warmer ..."
so my heater has two buttons. one to turn it on and one to change the temperature. and it seems that when the heater is off and the temperature button is in heat mode, it makes a weird noise that looks like a bouncing ball and the echo of the house sounds like it comes from upstairs.
​
tl;dr: I'm retarded. | This made my day for two reasons. 1) oh my god that’s hysterical and 2) this is absolutely something I could see myself doing. Thanks OP. |
Ya so this fuck up happened the summer before Covid but I think that statute of limitations are up so I can tell this story.
My wife and I went to her colleague's wedding. I'm not a huge drinker and I didn't really know anyone, so my plan was to grab some sort of cold refreshing beverage, find somewhere to post up, and nurse it while I got really stoned and did some people watching. Which leads me to *my drugs*.
On the way to the wedding I stopped at a dispensary and picked up a reusable vape pen thing. I'm a pretty traditional smoker. I go to the place and buy an eighth and smoke it in my ancient bowl over the course of the next month or two. I'd never had a pen before. I was just like "I'm going to a wedding and want something that won't make me sleepy or mentally handicapped" and the young woman at the counter handed me the thing.
As my wife was driving us over, I tried it out. I also don't smoke very much at any one time, and have a hard time with anything like joints or bongs etc. When I do smoke these things, they hit way too hard and I cough like crazy and hate myself. So I took a very small hit, noticed it hit *really hard* and thought "well that's because you think everything hits too hard."
Badabing badaboom, I'm at the reception standing in line to grab some drinks from the bartender and notice the tip jar. Realizing I don't have any cash, I'm like "dude do you have venmo or something?" (I know, lol) and he's like "ahh don't even worry about it man it's no big deal" but I'm a service industry vet so I wanted to find a way to tip him because I know it's gonna be a long night and a lot of people won't tip.
So I'm like "alright man well, if my wife has some cash I'll double back over...but uh, in the meantime...if you party..." and I show him the pen.
He's like "oh for real? hell ya dude." And proceeds to take an *enormous* puff on this thing.
Within seconds he was doubling over and coughing uncontrollably, it was incredibly loud and in under a minute he was down on his hands and knees behind the bar puking in the grass. Still...kind of no harm no foul...until he gets up and puts all of his weight onto a tumbler glass that was sitting on the table he used to help himself up. Cutting his hand open...so...so badly.
And then something very interesting happened. Something that had never happened before. I started vomiting at the sight of the blood.
So naturally this is pretty disruptive, and the groom who just so happened to be nearby, comes over to see what's going on *and fucking faints* the second he sees this guy's hand. Smashing his head on the bar/table on the way down, his face taking the table cloth and everything on the table down with him.
Totally unmitigated disaster. Both of them had to go to the hospital and the bride was understandably super upset and screaming at the caterers, so I decided "well, it's been a good life" and began to march over to explain to her what happened when out of her mouth comes a series of very specific slurs directed at the owner of the catering company. I didn't get a single word out of my mouth before she said "fucking sue me" turned on her heel and told her people to just round their shit up and go.
Cue major shitstorm. Everyone is fighting with everyone, and almost all of the guests left. I told my wife what happened on the drive home and she said I should call the catering company and apologize, which I did, and the owner laughed for about 30 seconds on the phone before saying "well, whatever, fuck that bitch."
So...ya.
TLDR: Don't smoke a lot of weed, got the bartender way too high causing a chain reaction of vomiting and fainting that led to a racist outburst ending a wedding.
edit - I actually think it was a wine glass | She called the catering owner racist slurs and the catering owner packed up her crew and food and left? Epic move by the caterer.
Good on her.
"BWahahahahahahah - Well whatever, fuck that bitch" - best line. |
No this is not your common tifu of mistaken identify. My girlfriend thought this was hilarious so I thought I'd share. This happened last night.
So I (30 m) flew home over the weekend to see some family. We have all had covid recently so not too worried. Ive been working from home for the last few months so I put on a few pounds and I had to get a new belt before the trip. Anyways last night I was running late for my flight home and I'm doing the mad dash through the airport. I get to security and start doing that whole song and dance. Taking the shoes off, jacket, laptop out of my bag, then I remembered I have my new belt on. I undo the buckle and try to pull it all the way out of the loops, doesn't budge. It's too stiff and new. So I assist it out of the first few loops, then I give it a tug again, nothing still stuck. All the while of course, the TSA agent is waiting on me, along with the huge line of people behind me anxiously waiting for their own strip tease act. Irritated, I give the belt one more hard tug, and it WHIPS out of my pants and slaps the man's ass in front of me. You know how the lion tamers will pop their whip for show? Or the boys on the locker room will pop each other with their towels? I just did this to a man (with some gusto, I might add) that I do not know. He was actually a pilot in his uniform. He whips his head around to look at me with shock. TSA agent is cackling, I'm standing there with my mouth open stunned. I apologized profusely and he was understanding. Then we stood awkwardly next to each other for probably another (long) 10 minutes. Anyways, I think we were both grateful to get out of that line..
Tldr: I pulled my belt out of my pants with gusto which resulted in me slapping another man's ass with it.
Edit: Wow guess I need to add that covid was 3 months ago and we are not contagious anymore. Yes I am aware that you can get it again, but from what I've read chances are low, this soon after having it. I was visiting my dad who is leaving the country for 4 years. I wouldn't have traveled otherwise. Sheesh. | I got ass slapped a few days ago while topping off my soda at a fast food place. As it happened I heard "dad!" I have no kids. I turned around and saw the true look of horror on some 5 year old's face, and he almost started to cry and ran away. His dad was 10 feet away, ordering, while wearing the same shade of jeans and also a grey hoodie. He apologized to me while laughing, and I was laughing too. |
Okay it was Friday, not today, but close enough.
I had a vasectomy last Tuesday, and my doctor told me to wait a week at least before masturbating/having sex. As someone who has a high sex drive, this was a tall order, and despite the incredible bruising and pain of the first two days, I found myself absurdly horny. My wife enjoyed my pain immeasurably and teased me a lot my whipping out her boobs regularly, knowing I was powerless to do anything about it.
So Friday morning, things were still a bit tender, but I had decided that the surgeon clearly didn't know anything and that the Internet, which said "whenever you feel up to it" was a more reliable source of info. That morning while my wife was taking our daughter to school I decided to take my dick and balls for a test ride.
Everything was going really well, and I'd gotten all set up at my wife's desk and was making it a really special wank (just the right video selection, lube etc), and just as I came, everything started to go wrong.
Firstly, a week's worth of jizz, some weird clear liquid and a little blood from my op came gushing forth, overwhelming my poorly prepared fold of toilet paper that normally suffices, spilling everywhere, including into my wife's net fabric chair cushions. Simultaneously, my balls start to ache like hell.
By the afternoon my balls had swollen up and every time I stood up it was like someone was pulling strings attached to rusty knives somewhere in my crotch, and my balls generally felt like they'd had a good kicking. This persisted for about 5 days, and now on Thursday they are just about back to normal.
Tl;Dr, jerked off before the doctor said I should after a vasectomy, jizzed cum and blood everywhere and made my balls hurt like hell for nearly a week. Listen to your surgeon/doctor!
Edit: to answer the most common questions -
my wife thought I was an idiot, but is a lovely woman and was mostly concerned for my nuts' wellbeing... But only because she doesn't know about the chair.
The chair, and my balls, are all fine now.
Yes I'm gross, I know.
I love Cannibal Corpse, and yes I'm aware of the song.
Thank you everyone for sharing your vasectomy stories, many of which had me in stitches (no I didn't have stitches before you crack a joke about that) | My dad had a vasectomy after having me, and did the deed with my mom against doctors recommendation...
Next thing you Know I have a little brother. |
This was actually last December but I’m always told this is a hilarious story so I thought I’d share.
Last September my ex wife and I filed for divorce. We were separated. One of my best friends says I should try dating. She’s never led me astray so I say fuck it, why not. First girl I match with on Hinge seems nice. We talk for a few days since I’m on a business trip and plan to go out when I get back. She’s a therapist. Works with neurodivergent kids. We chat a bit. Alls good.
We go on our first date after work on a Tuesday. I pick her up at her place. Go to my favorite pizza joint in her area. Starts a bit awkward as first dates do. She then tells me, “I [the girl] can’t wait to tell you I’m pregnant.” Okay. Weird. Maybe the nerves. Understand we had no booze at this point. I think she’s just nervous. Great.
A few minutes later she’s telling me about her parents who live near the Wisconsin/Minnesota boarder, and we are in the Chicagoland area. These parents show up… and sit down with us. YET, THEY LIVED IN THE GREAT WHITE NORTH. So I’m against the wall of the booth with her dad sitting next to me. She’s across from me. Her mom next to her. Shit. Okay. Guess I’m paying for their meal too. Double date. Great.
Mom and Dad tell me they’ve heard a lot about me yada yada (how much could they know?) they talk about what it’s like working for a vocational school. So I start freaking out as I’ve only said I’m a school admin, nothing more, not where I work. I say it’s great, but I’m looking to go back to the middle school or elementary next year.
Dad says he can’t wait to have a son in law like me. Mom says she can’t wait to have me marry into the family. Awkward. They were drinking. So I give them a pass.
Awkward evening continues. Yada yada get to know you shit. We start leaving and I picked up this chick, so I’ve gotta drop her off; Grandma raised a gentleman, you know? Figured I’d do that and dip. Nope. We get back, parents park next to me. Fuck. Invite me up. Mom said she baked a great pumpkin pie earlier today.
Well shit. I love me some pumpkin pie. Decide fuck it, might as well get something out of this night. Had some pie. Truthfully, some of the best pumpkin pie I’ve ever had. I try to leave and they weren’t really letting me by giving me more pie or starting a new conversation topic. Best friend (one who told me to start dating) calls. Asks what’s up. Took the call in the bathroom and she comes up with this plan: I’m going to go pick up my friend “Eddie” (because she thought I shouldn’t use a girls name) with his flat tire. Great. I got an out.
She says she needs to walk her dog (annoying shit. Yapping dog. Rubbing his ass on everything and dragging his ass across the floor. Very poorly trained). Fuck. Fine. Come with and walk me down. Mom comes to. I’m standing there trying to leave as chick takes her dog for a shit. Mom says it’s nice to meet me yada yada. And says “I’m so glad [daughter] found you. I didn’t think she’d be able to settle down since we’ve had her committed three times.” And walks away. Wtf. Bomb dropped.
I’m panicking now, sweating a bit. I turn to get in my car and chick is right there. Hugs me. Tries to kiss me. Yada yada. Tells me “I love you, and can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Me: great… gotta go. You know… friend needs help.
I get in the car, this chick is in my rear mirror and she’s calling me. I pick up and she said “you didn’t say you love me!”
Best friend calls, “oops. Hang on important call” and picks up. Tells my buddy this. she’s laughing her ass off. I’m scared shitless at this point thinking headlights in my rear view mirror are her. So I start speeding for the highway.
Im speeding away. Get pulled over. Cop asks why. I tell him EVERYTHING. Takes a good 5-6 min to get him to understand. He noticed I have Wisconsin plates. All he says is “Bro…and gives me great advice: never put your dick in crazy.” Thanks brochacho. Cop feels sorry for me and escorts me to the highway. Great. Freedom.
Chick texts me. I try to ghost her. Now, I left out an important detail. I went on a school night, wearing spirit wear with my school logo; once you know the name it’s hard not to find as I’m the only type of school like this in my county. I go to my boss the next day and tell him. Says I’m a fucking idiot for wearing my work shirt. Laughs his ass off about the whole situation. Asks if I blocked her. Shit. That’s a good idea. So I do it. Tells me I’m a fucking idiot again for not thinking this through.
She figured out where I worked. And starts calling my desk. Asking when we are going out. Leaves a message says she wants to be engaged by the time she’s 30 (which was weeks away, literally the next month, since we went over birthdays). At this point I’m freaking out. I have an SRO (school resource officer) in my building. I tell him what happened. Gave her name. He told me he’d take care of it if she came by. But also told me to move my car to the back (gated and can’t see, dudes a saint and it was a great idea).
Chick shows up asking to see me. Security tells her I don’t work here. She gets snotty with the SRO. Gets escorted out. Calls my desk phone pleading with me to give her a chance. Finds my sister. My best friend all on Facebook. Tells them we are soulmates. I tell them to block her ass.
Chick was crazy. Got her to calm the ef out when I told her I’m going to report her for harassment to her licensing board (all bullshit, no idea if that would do anything).
And that kids, is the story of how I met your mother.
Kidding. But damn was I scared of dating for a bit.
TLDR: went on a date with a therapist. Almost ended up married again. | I'm honestly surprised this post isn't titled "TIFU by wanting pumpkin pie and getting murdered instead."
Seriously man, how many red flags does it take? |
TL:DR at the bottom.
Enjoy my fuck-up story, oddly enough for this sub, it did happen yesterday. Sorry for any mistakes, I'm not a native speaker.
​
Me and my girlfriend exchange nudes frequently. They never leave our phones/computers and we trust each other on that. I like to mess around in photoshop as a hobby and often times I use my gf's nudes for practice. Change the lighting, remove/add things in the background, sometimes I edit her into a playboy cover for a laugh. A few days ago I bought a new laptop, as my old one died some time ago. I installed photoshop on it yesterday and wanted to mess around with it. I found some tutorials online about photoshop tattoo removal and decided to give it a try. Seeing as I had no work the next day, I also decided to get high. I gathered some pics of my girlfriend and went to work.
My girlfriend has a big tattoo on her upper chest (covering her collar bones and the upper part of her boobs), two smaller pieces on her hips, one between her shoulder blades and some smaller ones on her legs and arms. When we met she already had all the major ones and she did two more while with me. It has never bothered me, I thought her tattoos are cool. But before falling for her I never imagined myself to be with such a heavly tattooed girl but I hadn't really thought about it since then.
Now, I edited the pictures, starting from the smaller tattoos and evencually getting rid of the big chest one. I followed a tutorial and made a damn good job in my opinion. I ended up doing three pics and when I was admiring my work I got very... Well, I got hornier then I ever had in my life.
I've always considered my gf's body to be a 10/10. That combined with her wonderful personality made me fall in love quick and hard, and I didn't even think to wonder how she would look like if she didn't have the tattoos. Well now I know. And to me she would look infinitly better.
I regret using photoshop a lot last night. She obviously can't get rid of the tattoos. Not only would it be horribly expensive, but also she really loves them. Also I don't think it's my place to even ask that. She's also a tattoo artist and scheduled to have a "half a body" tattoo done in two or so months by another artist who she's a great fan of. I won't ask her to skip the tattoo. She's very excited about it and has been saving up for a long time. I was never particularly happy that she was getting it, but I was just glad she was excited and again, it's her choice what she puts on her body.
Now I realise just I don't like tattoos on her. I thought a lot last night and realised the signs were there, but for some reason it has never occured to me. For example when we chatted about her tattoo plans I asked her not to tattoo her tummy too soon because I like how soft it lookes on it's own. She would say in that a few years I will have a wife covered from head to toe in ink and I always laughed it off because I didn't want to think about it. I also had a shameful realisation that I've been enjoying sex a lot more since we started to do it doggy style. The one tattoo on her back usually get's covered by her hair so you can't see any tattoos.
I'm kinda freaking out. As I mentioned, my "favourite parts" of her body are the ones with no tattoes on them, that being the back and her waist. The tattoo she's getting is going to go from her arm, down her side and down the leg. Which means it will be pretty much impossible to not see. I'm really ashamed to say I'm afraid I won't be as attracted to her when she does it. I'm afraid to even bring it up because she has horrible body image issues and I'm scared she would be really effected if I said I'm worried about her getting the tattoo. I also know with the way things are going (her becoming a tattoo artist and such) she is going to get more.
I deleted the pictures this morning. They give an ultra boner but the worst moral hangover ever.
​
TL:DR
I removed my gf's tattoos in photoshop and found out I'm much more attracted to her without them. She's getting a body-long piece done in two months and I'm afraid I won't be as attracted to her as I am now. | I have a friend who's been seeing her boyfriend for 2 years, they met just before covid hit, ended up quarantineing together.
When they met he had a bushy beard. 2 weeks ago he decided he'd had enough of beard care and maintenance and shaved it off.
He looks SO different, turns out he has a weirdly protruding chin. My friend phoned me in tears. She loves him but doesn't feel as attracted to him.
She's dropped some hints about him growing his beard again but he's not keen. |
I’m using a throwaway account as i’m guessing what i did isn’t exactly legal. I’m sorry if this is long, i’ll include a TL;DR at the end.
It didn’t happen today but 2 years ago, i was living with a roommate while i saved for my own place. My roommate was lovely (for the most part) but her little brother was always staying with us. Her brother was lazy, never did any chores at all and had pretty much turned the living room into his own personal bedroom without ever paying a cent in rent. As unbearable as that already was, he did the most annoying thing that any roommate could do which is stealing food.
He was CONSTANTLY stealing my food, pretty much everyday. It started with him just taking ingredients like flour or coffee which i didn’t care about but eventually he started stealing snacks and even took my leftover meals a few times. Eventually i got sick of this and confronted him (I knew it was him because my roommate was a vegetarian and he wasn’t).
I confronted him a total of i think 3 times and every time i did, he would deny it or just laugh it off, blaming my forgetfulness or my boyfriend (who happened to be celiac so most of the things that disappeared were off limits for him). This drove me insane to the point that i eventually just bought my own fridge and put it in my bedroom.
As you can imagine, this did not stop him. He even took coffee creamer from my fridge and left it on the counter to spoil. This led to me screaming at him to leave which made my roommate furious (turns out she wasn’t as nice as i thought) and he was back in the house 2 days later. My landlord was a jerk and i knew that asking him to deal with RM’s bro wouldn’t work however i did ask to install a lock on my bedroom door but he said he would only let me do it if i payed a fee. He was only asking me to pay something like $30 but i thought that was insane and refused.
Not wanting to piss off the landlord anymore, i decided to take matters into my own hands. I knew that my roommate’s brother was allergic to strawberries however i didn’t know how severe this allergy was. I also knew that he absolutely loved buffalo wings (because he’d taken them multiple times before) and later that night, in blind rage, i decided to make some buffalo wings with... a secret ingredient.
Sure enough my plan worked and i got a call at work from my sobbing roommate. She was in the back of an ambulance with her brother because he’d had an extremely severe allergic reaction. At the time she cussed me out for putting strawberries in buffalo wings and not warning anyone but what her brother failed to tell her is that he’d snuck into my bedroom to steal them. Once i told her this, she calmed down a bit and was just frustrated. I didn’t tell her that i’d done it on purpose but i’m sure she would’ve put 2+2 together at some stage.
Her brother was okay in the end although i did find out that he would’ve died if she weren’t home at the time. He never came back to the house after that and I only saw him one more time before I moved out two months later. I feel incredibly guilty that i could’ve cost him his life over some food but at the time, i thought the allergy was fairly minor and i’m sure he’s learnt his lesson about stealing food now.
TL;DR: Roommates brother persistently stole my food, even breaking into my room to do so. I made buffalo wings with a special ingredient and he nearly died of an allergic reaction.
EDIT: Some people are misinterpreting the part about the fee for the lock so i’d just like to clarify. My landlord wanted me to pay him $30 so i could buy my own lock and install it myself. He said the fee was for potential damages to the door or something similar. | I’m confused how someone with a food allergy was so careless with what they eat! I would be so nervous about how any and all food is prepared!
Edit: thank you for the awards!!!! |
Back story to this. So the wife and I are going through IVF right now which involves me having to jizz in a cup, to my displeasure. The only booth sized room a man should jack off in is at a peep show. First off you can't jack off for four days, you sit on this padded waiting room chair with like a toilet seat cover on it, and it's just incredibly awkward for me.
I arrive at the doctors office and am greeted by a fairly attractive nurse. She leads me to the room, gives me the "supplies," and opens the door to the room. I'm in the room, with the cup, got some videos pulled up on my phone, and I start going at it. Like I said, it is incredibly awkward for me. Usually I take breaks and just start back up again. Right behind the chair is a button you push to get the nurse's attention when you're done and the sample is ready to be collected. I'm working up to it and as I leaned back briefly I must've pushed the button. I stand up ready to collect "the sample," and the door opens and I hear "alright is everyth....." It caught me by surprise so I quickly turn towards the door and "finish," right on her pant leg. Immediately I can feel my face just turning red with embarrassment. We both stand in disbelief for what seemed like forever. I try my best to just say that I'm sorry but surprisingly she wasn't too phased by it. She just grabbed a tissue, cleaned off her pant leg, and just asked "well do you need another collection cup?" I told her that I would be out in a moment. I go back out, wash my hands, and meet her at the front desk. She made it seem like nothing happened which was beyond professional on her part and we simply scheduled another appointment.
tl;dr: I had to jizz in a cup for IVF and right when I was about to blow the nurse walked in, caught me by surprise, and I finished on her pant leg
EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards! I didn't think that my unfortunate incident would attract this much attention. I'm loving some of the comments. Now I can't answer every question individually so let me clear some things up.
\- The lock on the door. No there was not a lock on the door. Rather outside there is an occupied sign. This is, I am assuming, for safety in case something happens
\- The call button. So as I explained when you are "finished," you press a green call button and place the collection cup into a metal box attached to the wall. Then the nurse will come in and make sure that you filled out the information correctly on your collection cup
\- No, there is no needle to the ball sack involved with IVF. At least with our clinic there isn't
\- "I went through IVF and never did this." Well I don't know how your process went but with me I've had to provide several analysis collections along with semen cultures. I'm most likely going to have to provide more once our cycle starts
\- Thank you everyone who is wishing us success in our journey with IVF. It's been a very stressful last 7 months. Especially with COVID and trying to schedule all of the appointments.
| I’ve never experienced IVF, but, why would there be a button to summon her into the room? Shouldn’t you just collect your sample and walk it up to the collection desk? |
Obligatory this didn't happen today, but I was talking to my friend and remembered about this whole ordeal and thought I'd share.
This happened a few months ago, and for context, me and my friend are both 17 and female, and importantly one of our female friends had just come out as gay at the time. This meant that my other friend (the one who this is about, who I'll call H) had told her parents that one of her female friends was gay, but hadn't specified which one (important later).
So one day H invited me over to watch a film after school. When I arrived I said hi to her parents then went upstairs with H to her bedroom to watch the film. This is where the fuck up slowly started. First of all we closed the door, which is something that we never do when I visit her, but was important as we were watching a film and didn't want to be disturbed by her parents. Then we turned the light out, again, uncharacteristic for us but important for watching a film. We really didn't think much about either of these things.
Anyway, an hour later we were talking and laughing with the film in the background. Now this is where I really fucked up, I was being uncharacteristically funny and was talking in a kinda flirty, sexual voice which one of the characters in the film had sounded like. H found this really funny so I continued with it and only spoke with that voice for a good 10 minutes or so, and we were both quietly laughing a lot. At some point during this time I heard her parents walk past the door but neither of us though much about it. Some more important information to know is that H is asexual (meaning that she doesn't experience sexual attraction and doesn't want to have sex), and her parents don't know this about her because she doesn't like to talk to them about that kind of thing. This means that I constantly forget that most people don't know this about her.
Another 20 mins past and then we heard footsteps and soft knocking on the door. We thought this was strange as they're the kind of parents to barge into a room without announcing their presence. H shouted at them to just come in the room and then we heard the sliding of paper under the door. We were very confused and just watched this piece of paper awkwardly sliding and then heard footsteps walking away. H picked up the paper and it said "we're going to get McDonalds for dinner do you want anything?".
We were both seriously confused about why they had felt the need to tell us via paper, in such an awkward way rather than just opening the door to ask. Then it dawned on me and I turned to H and asked her "Do your parents think we were fucking?", at first she looked at me with a look of confused disgust, wondering why the hell I had said that, then slowly her expression turned to that of horror and realisation. We had closed to door, turned of the lights, had been quietly giggling, I had been talking in a flirty voice for an extended period of time... Not to mention the fact that neither one of us can sit still for more than 10 seconds so there had certainly been lots of bed creaking and sheet rustling sounds. Also her parents knew that one of her two female friends was gay just didn't know which one it was, and didn't know that their daughter was asexual so would never want to have sex anyway.
We immediately turned the lights on and opened the door, but by then it was too late. When we went downstairs to say what we wanted from McDonald's her parents couldn't look either one of us in the eye, and were talking to us really awkwardly. After the McDonalds I left and H spent a lot of time subtly clearing it up with her parents, such as mentioning the name of the friend who was gay, and bringing up that I had a boyfriend (which her parents didn't know about). I think they realised that they had got it wrong but those moments of awkwardness were horrific. Luckily all has been fine since, but now whenever we meet up we make sure to keep the door open.
TL;DR Went round to a female friend's house to watch a film, we did a series of uncharacteristic stuff that led her parents to believe that we were having sex... Now when we meet up we keep her bedroom door open. | “No thanks, we ate out for dinner” |
So the mess up happened yesterday and I'm still saying "oh my god" to myself every time I think about it.
This past Saturday our school's girls Cross Country team won state and because of that earned everyone a pep rally. The night before someone asked if anyone wanted to be the flag runner and I [happily volunteered](https://i.imgur.com/qfllRsL.jpg), because that's a super dope job. I mean what could possibly go wrong?
Well here is exactly what went wrong:
The pep rally is in motion. The Cross Country Team starts pouring down from the stands to lead a school cheer. This is exactly when you should do a flag run, so I start haulin' out and narrowly avoid plowing one girl and make my way around the crowd (Definitely wouldn't recommend to a friend now though). I am caught up in the buzz of the moment and then all of a sudden I'm [going down hard...](https://i.imgur.com/XPL4P0i.mp4)
All that is going through my head is siren noises and me thinking "I should just die now" but unfortunately that never came to fruition and it got worse as I saw what I had tripped on and destroyed: [The state trophy we just won AND the one from last year!](https://i.imgur.com/gyAgaiL.png)
Now I'm a bit more famous around the school and kids keep seeing me in the hallway an saying "OMG! You're the kid who broke the trophy!!"
RIP me
TL;DR I was the flag runner and I tripped over and destroyed two state trophies in front of the whole school.
EDIT: Thanks for the gold! That makes it all worth it (sort of)! Just a bit of extra info, the trophies have been repaired with tender, sweet words and some wood glue.
EDIT 2: Wow 5 gold I'm willing to destroy another trophy, if it nets me 5 more! | TIFU, now with cringeworthy video evidence. |
I received a very panicked call yesterday afternoon while I was sitting at my computer in my boxers sipping on some of that pod coffee. “Hi, is this Marmalade Recording Studio?”…
For background, I’m a self-employed audio engineer who mostly records local musicians out of my apartment studio, and potential clients, and as you’d imagine, are usually artists or bands who want to record their music. However, every so often I get other requests, such as recording audio for a local radio commercial, or being asked to improve recordings they have done themselves, such as in today’s case…
“Hi, is this Marmalade Recording Studio?”. Its 4pm and I am not much in the mood to record any new clients but he proceeds to inform me he is outside the studio right now and just needs me to clean up some audio he recorded on his phone. I tell him that he can email it and I’ll return it the next day, but that wasn’t going to work with Joe here. He sounds desperate as he explains, “I have been suspicious that my wife has been cheating on me with our neighbor”. He proceeds to tell me how he started an audio recording on his phone, hid it in his bedroom, and left for work. When he returned later the phone had recorded nearly 6 hours of audio. He got back in his car and sat in his driveway for a minute, composing and preparing himself, connected his phone to Bluetooth and began playing this recording, while “driving around aimlessly”. He says he thinks he is “hearing his wife moan” and potentially a male voice is in there as well and needs to the audio improved so he can be sure. He lives two hours south of me and said he got off the freeway and googled recording studio and I was the first one that popped up. Jeez, I can’t say no. I tell him to stay I’ll come meet him outside and we’ll get this audio cleaned up a bit.
Joe here seems like a good enough guy, though very emotionally distraught. I’m filling up a glass of water for him before we sit at the computer. He’s just giving that stare at the wall, that mindless stare, and I lead him into the studio room. He airdrops me the audio file, and sure enough it’s 6 hours long. My immediate thought is I’ll clean up the audio and I’ll see in the waveform where it gets…louder. He is just sitting there in disbelief. A few minutes later, after making the most awkward small talk he asks me if anything is going wrong in my life, laughs, and clarifies that it’d make him feel better knowing someone else is going through a hard time.
I’m really feeling for this guy and noticing a few loud parts looking at this file. He interrupts and says he can’t listen and asks if I can just send him “definitive proof” that she is cheating on him. “I don’t need anything long, just maybe 15 seconds. That’s probably all I could bear to hear”. I tell him I’ll return something tonight and that I won’t charge him because, well how could I?
I make myself a drink after he leaves and I get another phone call. This time from a potential client who wants to discuss recording his band. These are my favorite calls and guarantees good money. 9 songs is the plan and after our call he sends me a demo of one of his songs. Pretty good stuff, kinda bluegrass style. Simultaneously, Joe sends me a text thanking me.
I hit play. It’s mostly nonsense, the TV is going, randomly I’m hearing a little girl in the background (he told me I might since they have a two year old daughter) . But after sometime I stumble on something, I’m thinking this might validate his suspicions. It sounds like a woman, enjoying herself, along with a guy grunting. There it is.
I send him this clip and I don’t know what to add, so I just text, “I think this is what you’re looking for”. I sit back down and continue my drink, loading up the song I was working before Joe called me in the first place.
Two hours go by and I get a call, and it’s from Joe. I am hesitant to answer because I don’t want to work anymore on this infidelity jam and I am not so much in the mood to be a shoulder to cry on, it seems to be a recurring issue in my line of work. But I answer. “Hey, are you going to send me anything tonight?”, he asks. I’m a bit confused and tell him I texted him a while ago. He checks his phone and says he didn’t get anything from me. My heart sinks, I know I sent that audio to someone. I tell Joe I’ll send it right over. I’m dying to get off the phone to figure out who received a 15 second audio clip of screaming infidelities. Dammit. I sent it to the bluegrass guy. This guy sends me a cool demo and I replied with sex sounds. I decide I should probably follow up that text and I write to him saying “whoops wrong person” and I am just laughing my ass off, thinking that might smooth things over. I proceed to send the audio over to Joe. Then I remember Joe is likely going to be crying himself to sleep tonight. Bluegrass guy never responded and Joe wrote back 10 minutes later saying "thanks".
​
Tl;dr: a bummed out dude secretly recorded his wife banging another guy and asked me to clean up the audio and send him a short clip from the recording. I accidentally sent that recording to a potential client who never responded after I said “whoops wrong person”. | Plot twist : the bluegrass guy is the one banging Joe's wife. |
My girlfriend came over to hang out before work today and we had a bit of fun, we might have gotten a bit carried away because when we’d both finished she looked a bit dazed and confused. I asked if everything was okay, and as she was staring into the middle distance she said “I can’t see anything.”
She then told me she has a condition that causes her pupils to dilate when she’s crazy stressed or anxious and it causes her to temporarily go blind. (It’s called BEUM according to Google) apparently as we found out today, rough sex can trigger it too.
She has to drive to work in an hour and currently can only see hazy stars 😬
At least I can legitimately say I fucked someone until they couldn’t see straight!
TLDR: girlfriend went temporarily blind after having rough sex and can’t drive to work | Her driving to work:
 |
I decided to get tested to see if I could donate my kidney to my wife of 6 years. We have two kids together (4f,2m). My wife got sick just after our son was born and now is in need of a kidney transplant. We checked with her relatives and none were a match or a viable doner.
Last week I got tested. I knew it would be a long shot so I decided to get tested to see if I could donate. I got a call the other day saying that I was a match. The doctor then said something about wanting to do additional testing due to some information from the HLA tissue test results. I didn't think much of it and agreed.
Then the results came in I was shocked and confused. He explained that because of how DNA information is passed down through generations a parent to a child could have at least a 50% match. Siblings could have a 0-100% match. It was rare to have a high match as husband and wife. I asked what does that mean.
He said that my wife and I have an "abnormally high match percentage."
Long story short were related. No I'm not kidding. I was put up for adoption before I was born. Placed into a family that moved across the country. I knew I was adopted but we didn't have any I formation about my bio family. It was a closed adoption.
I met my wife by chance 8 years ago. I was on a trip from work and she was working at the sight I went to. We worked together for a week. We exchanged numbers kept in touch. I was sent back there 3 more times that year and each time we became closer. I was given the opertunity to be transferred out there in a new higher paying position in a different department as hers the rest is history.
I don't know what do do moving forward but I know it may be wrong. She is my wife and the mother of our kids. This post is probably going to get removed but it is all true.
TL;DR: Wife of 6 years needs a kidney I got tested and we have an abnormally high match percentage for being husband and wife.
Edit: look at name. All of my family is from my adopted parents. My parents adopted me 2 minutes after I was born. Their name is on my Birth certificate. They have not told me anything about my bio parents and don't have any info.
Her family is not a match as stated above most of her family has low match potential or can't donate due to medical or other reasons.
I am 2 years older than my wife. I do know that my wife was born when her parents were late teens. | You already have kids and they are assumedly healthy since you didn’t mention any crazy abnormalities. If you’re happy, you’re happy. Donate the kidney to your sister-wife and continue being great parents to your children. |
So, I was looking through rule 34 and decided to watch some futanari porn, as it never disappoints me and is overall pretty nice porn in general in my opinion. I found this nice video and started… uhh you get it. Just a dude being a dude to some futanari.
Literally right as I’m about to finish wanking, my fucking father comes in to tell me breakfasts ready.
I don’t know who looked more traumatized and in shock.
And when I thought it couldn’t get any fucking worse, I came. I fucking came all over my keyboard. It’s like we were both paralyzed with fear. He left a few minutes after standing still in fear, disappointment, and sadness.
Breakfast was as awkward as it gets when you catch your son jerking off to futanari rule 34.
That was about as awkward as it gets when you get caught jerking off to anime chicks with dicks. My dad was in the military so he’s pretty tough and will probably get over this. However, for some odd reason I think this might just be more traumatizing than watching your own friends die in combat.
I fucking hate myself and want to die. My friends are gonna bully me so hard if I tell them, and yet I feel like I need to confess about what happened. I think I can take being bullied by Reddit.
TLDR; Got caught watching hentai chicks with dicks, and I might get disowned.
Edit 1: Hey guys I got banned from Reddit and can only update posts. I removed the bi thing. My reasoning at the time was a girl who has a cock is pretty bi. I mean I’m attracted to girls and guys so a girl with a cock seemed pretty bi to me but I’m kinda wrong since straight people can also like futa.
Also fuck off you degenerates I’m not sharing the sauce. It’s a hardcore pounding video on nhentai. The girl has pink hair. I send you on a mighty fap quest to find it.
Dad got pissed and yelled at me. Mom cried. Life is awkward and I woke up to over 20k upvotes. Dad even threatened to kick me out. He’s a pussy though and didn’t do it. We had a talk. He’s seen weirder shit but he was surprised to see his own son like weird shit like futa and hentai. Mom might’ve disowned me but at this point I’m too numb to care.
Whoever gave this a wholesome award is going to hell. | Ya winning, son? |
I used to deliver pizza. It was actually the most fun job I have ever had. I am usually really good with people...but...
I delivered pizza to a house like I have done a million times. As I walk up to the door, all I can smell is pot, and can hear loud music. I figured it was a party. I knock, and there was no answer. I knock louder. This massive dude with hair down to his ass answers and yells at me for knocking too loud. I apologized, and went on my way.
Next weekend, I see the same address come up, but unit "B" (it was a 4 plex type thing). I walk down the concrete steps to unit "B", and knock on the door. This tall bald dude answers. I ask him if he knows the guy upstairs, and told him the asshole upstairs yelled at me for knocking too loud. He looks at me puzzled, and says "I know, that was me, I bought this 4 plex". The dude shaved his head. From hair to his ass, to bald. I didn't recognize him at all. I instantly died on the inside. I apologized and went on my way.
Next weekend...same address. Remember those concrete steps I mentioned? When I walked down them, the loop on my pizza bag got hooked on his mail box that was hung on the fence. It ripped the mail box clear off the fence, and flung it down the stairs. It actually bounced off his door when it landed. He opened the door to see me looking like a deer in headlights, frantically pointing at his mailbox (which was bent and twisted now) and trying to explain that I really didn't mean to do it. I gtfo as quick as I could.
​
Next weekend...oh no....same address. I delivered his pizza successfully this time. After he paid I nervously said "Hey, I didn't even insult you or wreck your property this time". He laughed, said "good job" and handed me a $5 tip. That was the last time I ever saw that dude.
​
TL;DR am the worst pizza delivery guy ever. | I dunno, sounds like you handled it well. |
This happened this weekend. I'm (35m) not exactly the kinda guy who gets invited to baby showers very often. But it seems like everyone I know has matured about 10 years in the past 1 pandemic year. So suddenly, friends are getting married and pregnant, and so on.
One such couple, I've known for close to 10 years, has a baby girl due in July. Awesome for them. They are both pretty scholarly folks, with degrees in English. One is an author and one is a copywriter for a brand.
So when their baby shower invite said "instead of a card, please bring a book so that whenever we read it, we'll think of you" I *assumed* it meant they wanted to grow their already extensive library (I mean I was also getting them a baby gift). So I bought them, what I felt was, a deeply moving novel.
As my partner and I are driving out to their place, she says, "I got them 'What tree am I' it's really cute and has pretty pictures. What book did you get them?"
Suddenly, a light goes off. I look at her blankly and ask, "You got them a kids book?"
She puts her hand over her mouth in disbelief. "Oh my god. Yes. It's a baby shower. You get them kids books. You know... for the baby. Why? What book did you get them?"
"Well, in my defense, 'The Bone Clocks' by David Mitchell is very captivating. And if you read it out loud in the right tone of voice, the baby probably won't even mind the horrific details about the Iraq war, genocide, murder, gender issues, or death cults."
Needless to say, it seemed a little out of place next to, "S is for Salmon", "Why do I love you", "Goodnight Moon", and "Irish Fairy Tales".
I was also reminded that a 600+ page novel may not be a priority for new parents. Whatever, mine had the best critic reviews on the back.
EDIT: I definitely wasn't expecting this big of a response, so a few updates:
I'm genuinely humbled by everyone's stories here. My TIFU is less that I gave this book and more that I feel I committed some unspoken social faux pas, in that the spirit of the event is about preparing the parents for the child's needs and I didn't pick up on that and instead gave *them* a gift of a book (thinking it was a direct substitute for a card). But hearing from a lot of people that this would actually be a welcome gift makes me comfortable that maybe the faux pas is superseded.
As for the response, I wrote below: *I think the ultimate conclusion will still play out for a bit. But the immediate conclusion was, my friends were appreciative of the thought (they thought it was cute that I was thinking of them). Some of the guests were very confused and gave me the "wait, who is this guy" look. And other guests who have known me for a long time gave me the "Yeah, that's typical \[mykreau\]". So I guess, my TIFU was on brand. But I did get to at least explain it to the couple afterward and they laughed their asses off about how it unfolded. And I explained that they had an actual baby gift in the mail waiting for them. So I'm not a total monster.*
My partner never got upset at me about this. And she didn't shame my FU. She thought it was funny and said it gave a window into my personality.
Also, thanks for some of the additional book reccos.
TL;DR
TIFU by buying my friends a huge, dark, complex, adult novel for their baby shower instead of a kid's book. | This may be the funniest, most wholesome TIFU ever. I love it!! And I feel compelled to note that when my son was an infant, I read him whatever I was reading, so he definitely heard grownup books. Before they learn language, there really isn't much difference between "genocide" and "goodnight" anyway. It's just about the sound of your voice. |
At my gym over the past couple of months I've noticed a cute girl who works out around the same time I do and I was interested in asking her out, but I'm kind of awkward and I don't approach girls in the gym.
A few times I've seen her talk to a guy who she seems to be friends with, I haven't seen anything romantic or flirtatious between them and I was pretty confident they weren't together. So my awkward self decided to talk to the guy and ask him if she was single (very junior high of me I know). He said he had no idea, that they know each other because they used to work together, and have been friends ever since. As he was talking she came walking over to us, and before I could stop him he turned to ask her:
(Paraphrasing what I remember)
Him: hey are you single? Becau-
Her: God it's about time! I have been waiting forever for you to ask me out.
Him: uh...
Her: ...is that not what you were asking?
Him: yeah it is! Are you free Saturday?
Her: absolutely! Text me, I have to get going soon.
Throughout this I was just standing there like a third wheel watching like a doofus. After she left he turned to me with an apologetic look on his face and said he'd always had a crush on her but never acted because he didn't want to hurt their friendship if she didn't feel the same way.
I told him I completely understood and was happy for both of them.
All in all, -1 for me and +2 for them = net gain for love.
TL ; DR
Wanted to ask girl out, ended up getting her together with someone else. | And now you’re invited to their wedding |
So this just happened last night. I should start by saying I have two wonderful, loving big dogs, a GSD and a lab mix. Usually when my fiancé and I start getting ready to rock and roll we lock them out of the bedroom to avoid any distractions.
Last night however he woke me up around 1am to have a little midnight fun (he must’ve been having a good dream). I was about it, we started in, and let the good times roll. It was all going per usual, he was done, I was making my steady climb up the hill to heaven. My eyes were closed and I was not being very quiet. Right as I was about to start my journey back down to earth I feel a long wet tongue on my face. Open my eyes, my GSD is standing in my face looking worried and trying to kiss me.
Let me tell you, there is no quicker turn off and end to a climax then getting kissed in the mouth by your slobbery dog. I pushed my dog away and my fiancé just burst into tears from laughing so hard.
TL;DR we started having sex in the middle of the night, forgot about the dogs. My GSD snuck up and mouth kissed me at my climax and ruined my night.
Edit: I can’t believe the most popular Reddit post I will ever have is about this... thank you strangers for silver and platinum! Also thank you to everyone who shares these experiences and so sorry to those who have gotten tongues to the butt... you win?
Edit 2: GSD (German Shepard dog) for those of you angry about this, thank you for commenting and bringing my karma up even higher. Also for those of you confused about the whole process, just because my fiancé was finished doesn’t mean he didn’t help a girl out. | I got a cold wet nose in my buttcrack, mid-thrust, once. After my GF calmed down from laughing so hard at my stiffened body reaction, horrified look and scared yelp, she said her first thought was that I must've had the most surprising orgasm ever.
Edit: Holy smokes, y'all! Glad to know my intimate doggo violation brought so much joy and cringe. And that silver and gold is appreciated too! |
Today I present to you my lifelong fuckup. I'm a 19 year old guy, I own a penis, and I've never cleaned it properly in my life.
So, today I was taking a piss at my job, and I noticed a small yellow fragment at the top of my penis. I wondered where it came from, the only logical answer was the inside of my dick. So I peeled my foreskin back, a little further every pull, and when I got right to the edge of my glans, I found the place it originated from.
My penis was covered with a yellow, clay like substance. At first I thought it was normal, but then the smell hit me. I realized what had happened. When I was younger, my dad told me that to wash my dick, I should pull the foreskin back. And I did, or so I thought.
I have always washed my dick by pulling back the foreskin just slightly (until it uncovered just the tip of my glans). I thought that was just fine and I never really thought anything of it.
I have also been sexually active while this shit was probably in there, but never more than once with the same girl. Weird coincidence.
Anyway, I'm realising all this while still standing at the urinal at work. I tried to peel the loose pieces off, and they let go pretty easy. The biggest pieces are still stuck to my dick, it looks pretty much like they're continents. I put my dick in the sink and turned the faucet on, hoping I could wash the big plaques off. I couldn't, my dick was sensitive as hell and the pieces are stuck.
I'm about to go in the shower and peel at it with q-tips and my fingers until it's clean, and I plan on washing my dick better in the future. I hope that what I've accumulated right now doesn't lead to any serious issues.
TL;DR: haven't washed my dick properly in 19 years, but I wasn't aware. Now my dick has a crusty smegma layer that I'm going to have to peel off.
Edit: I just stood in the shower for 20 minutes getting bits and pieces off. Most of it is behind the hood so to speak, and I can get that lose quite easily, however, some of it is on my glans and I can't get it loose for the life of me. I nearly fainted for real when I tried to scrub it off. Anyone know of a method to get it off?
Edit for all the other guys that have made the same mistake as me: I've done my research on this phenomenon now, and pretty much all the trustworthy sources I've read say to do the following:
- wash daily with mild soap (for the rest of your live)
- don't use cloth/q-tips/hands to scrub it off, just keep washing with soap daily until it's gone
- if it doesn't get cleaned by washing with soap: go to doctor
Edit: why the fuck are so many people asking for pictures. I thought I was the nasty one here. | TIFU by reading this post |
This didn’t happen today, but I’m ready to tell the story now.
When my husband and I got together he had found a old, empty camera we started testing. We bought some film rolles and took some pictures here and there. After some time we got the images printed and they were mostly just bad pictures because the camera sucked. But we got some good pics from a festival, so we were happy. Time went on and we moved house a few times and then moved to another city. When we started unpacking we found a roll of pictures, and we thought it probably was from that old camera and it might be pictures from our honeymoon. We went to the camera shop to get the pictures printed instead of sending them in the mail. We had to wait one hour for them to finish the printing. So we just walked around the mall for a while. When one hour had passed, we walked back, paid and turned around, opened the wrapping and started looking at the pictures. The first picture was like a smack in the face, my husbands erect penis. Next one was me, naked and him doing naughty things to me.
I could feel them looking at us. I felt like I was shrinking into the grund. I could not stop looking at the pictures while slowly realizing what I was looking at. I could not keep calm, so I just sprinted out, took the pictures and left my husband there. We could never go back there, not even to the mall, the only one in town, ever again. We moved home 6 months later.
TL;DR
Found an old roll of pictures and got them printed, turned out it was our home made porn. | The mall in my home town had a photo business that used an automatic system and you could watch everyone's pictures come down a conveyor line in the window. Wow, the pics you would see. That didn't last long. |
So about 2 years ago, I was still living in my strict religious parents' house and the only way for me to find a place to have sex was to use my dad's office. My dad owns a small advertising business so on some weekends, I'll use the excuse of needing better network and needing to concentrate to get the keys to the office and have the girl meet me there. I know he and his staff never come to work on the weekend.
So I was with this girl at the time and she was freaky af and asked if I had ever made a sex tape. I had, but as a gee, I knew the correct answer at that point was no, and once I said that, she pulled out my phone and placed it somewhere and we started to get freaky. I jerked off to it a couple of times after that at home (still my parent's house) before it became stale and I hid it and never really got back to it.
2 years later and I'm now living in my own house and I have a girlfriend who's out of town for a few months. I was telling her about the sex tape and she didn't like that I still had it and told me to delete it. I decided to give it one last jerk off before deleting it, so I hit a blunt, plugged in my headphones and started watching like I had done a couple of times years before. It was late at night. I started to beat myself off, listening to this girl moan over the background noise of a movie we were playing to mask our noise... till I heard a deep voice (we'll pretend my name is Manny) in my head say clear as day "Manny why? Why??"
I jumped out of my chair. My door was locked. No one was in the house with me. I was panicking. Was this my conscience talking??? Is my girlfriend a witch??? Is this because I'm watching a video she doesn't want me to watch?? I'm panicking as hell becuase it fucking scared me how clear the voice was. I wanted to watch the video again, but I honestly was too scared so I walked around the house for a bit, just to let the highness fade, in case that was what was responsible for me hearing voices.
Once I was a little sober (still very shaken up) I decided to start the video from the beginning but to focus this time. So I sat in my chair, dick in my pants (it definitely had no interest in rising again), headphones on, studying this video like it's my finals. While listening, I noticed that while I was blowing her back out, there was a little ruckus in the background separate from the direction the movie sound was coming from. My ears perked up. It was a conversation in the background. Someone had opened the office door
"Oh the lights are on. Is Manny in the office."
"I think so, the TV is on."
\*some silence
"Oh my God! Manny! Oh my God, why?"
"Why? Manny? Why??"
From the voices, I could tell one of them was my dad. I can only imagine the other person was my mum but I can't confirm because it was a bit further back. I have no idea what they were doing in the office that day but they definitely walked in on me, their good little boy, fucking a girl like an animal. And from the audio, they seemed to have stuck around a while after that (weird). This girl and I were absolutely lost in our oxytocin world, completely clueless that we had spectators.
I must have missed it all those times I jerked off to it because I never jerked off with both earphones on in my parent's house (always gotta be alert) and the TV noise just drowned the background sound then.
The coincidence is still baffling to me because I would have never found out if this girl hadn't suggested we make a sex tape. My parents definitely never mentioned anything to me about it. A lot of shit started to make sense because that was around the period where they clamped down on my freedom (which eventually led to me leaving the house) and started becoming hostile to me.
The hardest part was explaining to my girlfriend the discovery I had just made. "Hey babe, you won't believe what I found in the sex tape you told me to delete".
TL;DR: Watched a sex tape years after making it only to discover that my parents had walked in on me having sex while I was making it.
Edit 1: Thanks to Reddit, I now have the image of my dad being there with someone who wasn’t my mum to do the same thing. Unlikely though because the person would have to be very familiar with me to have the kind of conversation she was having with my dad. No such person.
Edit 2: I’m a trash person for watching it again while with my girl. For context though, I’m a sex addict who hadn’t gone two days without sex in about a year till I quit cold turkey to start a relationship with someone who I wouldn’t be able to see for about 4 months. It didn’t seem like a smart decision seeing I was bound to fail, but I made it because I lucked out with someone who truly truly understands me. Sorry to disappoint the few of you hoping she left me. She didn’t. And when she sees this, I hope she knows I’m forever grateful to have her. | Looks like you aren’t the only one who uses the office on the weekends. |
I actually fucked up 8 years ago, but time has worn down my pride enough that I'm willing to finally share this story with the world.
It was recently suggested to me that I leave my Christmas tree up a little longer in order to further enjoy the cheeriness it brings to the living room. This is an easy thing to suggest when you haven't seen the things I've seen. When you haven't done the things that my boyfriend and I have done. You see, when you have one year when you leave your tree up until May, that experience changes you. It changes Christmas forever.
We have always used real trees as opposed to artificial ones, which means they need to be disposed of after the holidays. Back when we lived in an apartment they had a small window of time when you could leave the tree by the curb and they would haul it away for you. Unfortunately we missed that window, which turned into weeks and weeks of pretending the tree just... didn't exist. Sure the ornaments came down, but the skeletal remains of Christmas stood in our living room as a monument to our evasion of basic responsibilities.
One day, in late February or so, we realized we could be having friends over for dinner. We thought, "Oh my god. We can't let people know we still have this tree!" So we did what any logical couple would do and we hid it in the closet with a white blanket over it. You can imagine how terrifying it was in the beginning when you would get up to use the restroom in the middle of the night and see an 8 foot tall Christmas tree ghost looming in the doorway.
I don't know what the final straw was. Maybe it was the storage space we were losing by having a massive cloaked Douglas fir in our closet. Maybe it was that we missed using the blanket that had taken on a new purpose in life. Whatever it was, we knew we couldn't avoid this issue any longer. The problem of how to dispose of the tree still existed. We couldn't leave it at the curb, and we knew wherever we took it, it was going to leave a breadcrumb trail of humiliation straight to our doorstep.
That's when the saw came out.
Into the wee hours of the night we carefully disassembled the tree until it was compact enough to fit into a cardboard box. By 2am we were covered in sweat and sap, but we were able to stealthily discard the box in a nearby dumpster. On that day, we vowed to never again let the disposal of the Christmas tree become an episode of Forensic Files.
And now my shameful past is out in the open for the internet to enjoy. Happy New Year, all!
TL:DR - Holiday procrastination took a turn for the worse when my apartment became botanical Dexter scene. Also Happy New Year. :) | Better than the idiot that used to rent out the other side of our duplex; that moron tried to burn his overdue Christmas tree in the fireplace... whole! Took the whole damn house down with it. |
Quick statement, This isn't my account, but u/TheGemScout is a close friend of mine and since I don't use reddit I figure someone should get the karma, if you guys happen to enjoy my pain. (Also, this was about a week ago, not today sadly)
So lets preface this. There's an episode of Two & a Half Men where Jake melts a jar of peanut butter into liquid, then He offers Charlie some.
So I'm at my friend's house, let's call the friend Mason, and we're watching reruns of the show. We see that fateful scene and Mason thinks it'd be a good idea to dare me to drink peanut butter.
Two things before we proceed:
1. Our dares are intense, but we never refuse them.
2. While it's apparently weird, I despise peanut butter, not that I'm allergic or anything, but I really hate the stuff.
Knowing that refusing the dare is not an option (or else I'm going to get pranked to no end over it) I decide we should just get it over with now.
So my friend hands me the tallest coffee mug he owns and says "get to scooping" while he laughs in my face
Once He's made me fill the cup with peanut butter, he puts in in the microwave for like 1:30 seconds and then motions for me to get the cup before it hardens. Here's where my fuckup begins:
I drink coffee often, so I'm not very careful about it being hot, and assume it's much MUCH cooler than my typical coffee as I heat that up for about 2 minutes or more before I drink it. 1 minute is nothing to me, and Seeing as I'm not trying to taste this disgusting flavor of nutty origin, I try to slam it down as fast as possible.
Actually the biggest mistake of my life, as not only does peanut butter heat up MUCH faster than a typical liquid, It's VERY thick and Insanely sticky. It was like Satan came in my mouth but it was stuck there and I couldn't get it out. My friend is still laughing his ass of and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs as it goes further into my throat and I begin choking on the molten shit-liquid itsself. At this level I'm thinking "I'm choking on lava" and "I really hope I don't die because of the one time I eat peanut butter"
In my suffering I finally stammer out "Take me to the ER" and his face Immediately changed
I go for the milk we have in the fridge so I can walk out the door, but lucky me; we have not one drop of milk, nor any other liquid other than fucking A1 sauce, so I grab the sprayer in the kitchen sink and start blasting it in my mouth so as to mitigate the damage, but I can already tell that I've got some pretty severe burns.
Flash forward to the Hospital, and Thanks to my idiocy I have second degree burns all over my mouth and throat, and After almost a week, I'm still in constant pain. I can't taste anything except pain, I have burns on and around my tongue, my gums The roof of my mouth, my throat, and Can barely sleep due to the intensity of the pain.
FML, and Fuck peanut butter. Never drink it, or you'll end up like me.
TL;DR: Got dared to drink melted peanut butter. Slammed it down to avoid Taste. Hot peanut butter is Basically Napalm and Hot PB + Mouth = Second Degree Burns. | Jesus Christ.... what’s the treatment plan for internal burns like that? |
\[Obligatory this happened 6 years ago post notice.\]
TLDR: Wife pulls off an unbelievable video game upset on me; I yell at her and a tickle fight ensues, COPs come and I have to convince them tickle fight =/= real fight.
It's a random Tuesday evening, and the wife and I have dinner plans to meet up with friends with some time to kill before we have to leave, so we decide to play a game of Madden on Playstation in our little 1 BR Apartment with neighbors on both sides and below us. I'm winning towards the end of the game but she gets a touchdown to put the game within 2. She does an onside kick and recovers it with literally two seconds left at the end of the play; I'm starting to sweat that she somehow pulls off some miraculous Hail Mary and wins. She ends up selecting a field goal and I'm feeling relieved; the wind is against her and it's a 60+ yard field goal (for non football people, the record is 64 yards). She nails it perfectly and wins.
I jump off the couch and am yell: "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU JOKING? THIS IS BULLSH\*T! I'M GOING TO F\*CKING KILL YOU!" She's cracking up laughing and I start tickling her. She runs into the bedroom and I yell something like "YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME! I'M GOING TO GET YOU!" I tickle her maybe 1-2 minutes more on our bed as she's cracking up/crying/yelling stop, but totally OK and within our normal boundaries of fun. We stop and she tells me she needs to get ready and starts heading into the bathroom to put on makeup.
By this point, maybe 5-10 minutes later, I've changed clothes, and am watching some TV when I hear a very loud, confident, series of knocks on the door. I open up, and SURPRISE, it's two police officers: one man and one woman.
Male cop: "Good evening. Do you know why we are here?"
Me: "I think so, and you're never going to believe me, but I can explain."
Female cop: "Is there a woman in this apartment, may I speak with her?"
Me: "Yes, I am sure my wife will be willing to speak with you, she's in the restroom around the corner getting ready for dinner."
Male cop: "what do you think we are here for?"
Me: "I think one of my neighbors probably heard me yell at my wife and chase her into the next room as she screamed. In reality, it was a tickle fight after she beat me in a video game."
Male cop: "A tickle fight. Uh-huh. And what did you yell at her?"
Me: "I said I was going to kill her, but it was really a joke, I promise, really, all I did after that was tickle her for a minute or two."
Male cop: "Where did you plan on going to dinner?"
(Feeling trashy saying this as someone who is suspected of spousal abuse) Me: "Hooters. We are meeting friends at Hooters for wing night."
Male cop: "May I take a look around?"
Me: "Yes."
He searches around, finds a broken vase in our recycle bin and asks about it. About 3-4 minutes later in what felt like an eternity, the female cop comes out and says: "what did you hear?"
Male cop: "Tickle fight."
Female cop: "Tickle fight." She belts out one or two chuckles.
Me (weight of the world off my shoulders)
Male cop: "alright, well, thanks for letting us come in and investigate, you know it's just our jobs and we have to take this kind of thing seriously..."
Me: "yes, yes, I totally understand and am not mad; just have to repair a relationship with our neighbors who think I beat my wife now..."
After they left, my wife told me the cop she spoke with was begging her to admit it that I was hurting her and she was covering her bruises with makeup, more like "hey, you're safe now, we got him, you can tell me the truth." I get why they do this, but thank God my wife was insistent and confident in her speech that I was not in fact beating her.
We hadn't met our downstairs neighbors yet at that point, just a friendly wave out the door on the way to work each morning, but met them a few weeks later at a pool party the complex had. After some small talk, I just broke the ice and said: "hey, just so you know, I think you guys must have called the police on me a few weeks back. I appreciate you called the police - I can understand how from your apartment, you just heard me yell 'I'm going to kill you!' followed by two people running followed by screaming. Just so you know, it was a tickle fight and nothing else. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true. Ultimately, you guys did the right thing." I got the feeling they were a little skittish, but overall grateful that I told them that. We remained on friendly terms but lost touch after we moved out of that complex.
TLDR: Wife pulls off an unbelievable video game upset on me; I yell at her and a tickle fight ensues, COPs come and I have to convince them tickle fight =/= real fight.
​
Edits:
1. I am off to bed now but will try responding more tomorrow.
2. Yes, I know the title of the story raises eyebrows and makes people interested to read more. That's the point of a good title in my opinion and I've seen this technique used many times on this subreddit.
3. Thanks for all the love - before this, I think I had gotten 2 awards ever.
4. I am pretty thrilled with reddit right now - definitely thought there would be a lot more trolls than there were.
5. Thanks for all the advice on dealing with police. In my opinion, there are times where I think it's time to be a little bit more argumentative with them and times when it's probably in everyone's best interest to cooperate and defuse the situation. I think I smartly chose the latter in this case. FWIW, this occurred in a major urban area in the U.S. and I think it demonstrates that cops, as a whole, are generally pretty professional and genuinely just interested in making their communities safer. Without wading into politics, yes, I recognize that police reform is required in the U.S. and support many of those efforts too. | I had a very similar situation with a twist. My wife and I had already got home from the bar and the loud noise was me falling while grabbing some tp for her while she yelled from the bathroom "no! no! stay in there!" because I was absolutely shit housed and I was already in bed. Cops show up and she answers the door. The twist is that I had run into an old friend that night who I had a falling out with and I had gotten a little emotional while drunkenly telling my wife about it. So I walk around the corner in just gym shorts like every degenerate I've ever seen on Cops with bloodshot eyes and the sniffles and the cops start asking me if I'm okay and telling me its okay if I'm not and they repeatedly ask me if I need help. Im 6'8" 275 lbs and my wife is 5'6". She was mortified. |
This happened earlier this week and I’m still processing it. Also, throwaway because I don’t want my grandkids to find this one day.
My longtime girlfriend had just completed her time of the month, and we were ready to engage in some heated sexual activity. We’re both going through rather busy times in our life right now, so sex doesn’t come as often as it should, but enough to fulfill our needs. Now, the past few weeks I’ve been helping (doing) my GF do homework for one of her online classes. Because of this, she realized she owed me and decided to pay me by way of sexual favors. Unethical? Maybe, but I’m not complaining. So, she begins to initiate foreplay and start to enjoy one of the better blow jobs of my life. She does her thing for a while and I stop her a few times before I hit her with that high fructose porn syrup. After edging a few times, I decide to return the favor and go down on here. I do my thing, she does hers, and now back to me. Well, by this time we’re about an hour in and she starts to get tired. I finally comply with her and prepare to unleash my homemade protein shake. However, because I have delayed the inevitable for so long, she is taking breaks every few licks of the tootsie pop. The next four events happen all simultaneously. I let my lover know its time, she comes up for a breather, my Johnson flops down on my stomach (I’m on my back), and I treat myself to a very salty penis colada. It. Was. Everywhere. A catastrophic and life-changing event. I, and nor should you, ever take those cum shot compilations for granted. Those girls are troopers.
TL;DR – I was edging during oral with my girlfriend. She got tired and took a break. I climaxed all over my face.
Edit: Man y'all are wild. Thanks for the platinum, gold, and silver. Happy Holidays, may snow fall on all of your faces. | >before I hit her with that high fructose porn syrup.
>prepare to unleash my homemade protein shake.
>I treat myself to a very salty penis colada.
This story was a 10/10 read thank you
Edit: first time I've been awarded somethong small and had lots of karma from a post lol thanks for it anyways, I love the play on words too glad to have lived this moment in life to read this |
The following events transpired yesterday. Spent last night in A&E, on hardly any sleep and some pretty strong painkillers, so apologies for any mistakes here.
Me and my girlfriend are trying to lose weight, and so for the past few months we have been eating super clean. Salads, quinoa, lean meats, etc. (very few carbs). Lost some weight, gained some muscle from working out too. Very happy with our progress.
Because we had been so disciplined and it was my birthday, we decided to treat ourselves to our previously weekly treat of takeout. A huge pizza, fries, and nachos each (I know, hence why we needed to lose weight), washed down with soda.
We went to bed feeling very full and happy, if a little guilty.
I awoke a few hours later with intense stomach cramps. I could feel a ball of pizza nacho fries forming in the pit of my stomach and could tell it was not going to be pretty coming out. I waited till morning to go to the bathroom (small apartment, light sleeper gf), and as soon as I sat down on the crapper and pushed, I felt the most intense pain in my anal sphincter. Like it was being pulled apart from every angle. My girlfriend, who I had woken up by screaming, was now banging on the bathroom door thinking I was being murdered.
The worst part was that I couldn't exactly pinch this bad boy off, as the seal had been broken and my 'pincher' was now severely compromised. So I pushed through the pain, and could feel the ripping worsen with each push as this dry, fibrous monster made it's way out of my asshole. After about 25 minutes I had birthed the hellsnake. I only wish I had taken a photo as this thing was a sight to behold.
A painful car journey and 3 hour wait later, the doctor said I had the worst anal fissures he had ever seen. Apparently the turd was so fat and hard it'd literally ripped my asshole open in multiple places.
Sitting is agony, they itch and burn like hell and I can feel a second boulder pushing its way into my lower intestine.
For all you sickos:
Dimensions: Difficult to say. Closer to Randy's first record attempt than I would be comfortable disclosing.
Courics: I don't know, I forgot to contact the European Fecal Standards team for verification. I would say more than one, less than four.
Color: Dark. I drink a lot of coffee.
Texture: Like a sock filled with broken marbles.
TL;DR Avoided bad food for months, gorged on pizza and nachos, gave birth to a baby sized turd that ripped my anal cavity open on its way out, resulting in the worst anal fissures my doctor had ever seen. AMA
Edit: I'm sorry Reddit, I didn't take a photo. I wish I did. I wish I could go back in time and fix this...wait, no I don't. I don't want this to turn into a Reddit fable where my compromised pincher is being spread between the dark corners of the web for the rest of time, so no I will not be squatting over a mirror and taking a picture of my anus. Sorry. I also love my girlfriend too much to ask her to get in there with a camera; there's no use in two people being traumatized by this.
For all those sending get well messages and asking for updates: thank you sincerely. My girlfriend got over her anxiety and collected a cornucopia of stool softeners, numbing sprays, ice packs, and everything else imaginable. Thank you all for the advice. She and the chemist shared a laugh when she showed her the story. How nice... | >I can feel a second boulder pushing its way into my lower intestine.
Uhhh... Prepare your anus? |
O my gawd this is so embarrassing and literally happened about 30 minutes ago.
So I have bowel issues (clearly) and I range between super constipation or the exact opposite. Im (39F) and was having the plugged up issue for the last couple of days and tonight got to the point where something HAD to be done.
I had the urge but was way too backed up. So decide to drive the 2 miles to the 24/7 grocery store to get some suppositories or miralax or anything.
This is all happening at 3am so im like okay, not many people will be there and I can run in and out and be back home in 5 minutes and get some sweet relief.
As I'm driving I suddenly feel like my ass is going to give birth! I'm really close to the store and im like FUCK I cannot make it home so i plan in my head how I'll get in the store and run to the bathroom, however, the bathroom is all the way at the back of store and its a pretty big store, at this point my brown baby is crowning and im in tears because i know as soon as I stand up I will loose it all, literally and i don't wanna shit myself in my car - god that would never smell right again!
Anyways, at this point I am sweating, crying, panting, doing the fucking labor breathing exercises knowing its about to happen and im speeding through the parking lot planning to just pull behind the store and go in some bushes but low and behold all of the delivery trucks are there delivering their bread and god knows what else, now im really panicking and figuring at this point I don't care if someone sees me because all I can think is getting this creature out of my body. I fly past the trucks and to the side of the store, this area was pretty desolate, at least i hope, I jump out of the car, rip my pants down, and squat over the grated storm drain and I kid you not, instantly I let loose and had the biggest hugest shit in all of my 39 years. At this point I didn't care if anyone did see because I was feeling so relieved.
I finish in like 20 seconds and go to stand up but realize I have no tissue or wet wipes so I have to pull my pants up and drive home sitting sideways so my poopy pants don't touch my seat. Before I leave I look at the storm drain, thanking it for saving my life and realize that the 💩 didn't even go down it was semi hard and tall as hell (it was at least 4 days worth and freaking at least 5 pounds) !-!!!!
I saved a few dollars because I didn't need the meds anymore so I guess that's the upside. Came home and jumped in the shower and had to share here because well I really fucked up today.
TL;DR - super constipated, drove to store to get meds and meanwhile realized I was going to shit myself so pulled in parking lot and shit in storm drain. Middle of night no TP drove home with shitty pants.
Edit: LOSING! Spelling. Sorry to the spelling police. I wrote this shit at 4 am and was tired and traumatized so please forgive my fuck up.....that is all | Growing up we were taught to fear quicksand and people offering us free drugs but no one ever mentioned that sometimes as an adult you’ll come uncomfortably close to shitting your pants. |
I live near a smaller airport and I help out at the local Turkish community center. I’m white but I go to a free dinner they do every other Thursday and it is amazing, so I chose to volunteer every once in a while. Set up, take down, help older people out, the usual volunteer at a center thing. I’ve met a ton of awesome people and they are a blast to hang out with.
So last week, I was tasked to pick up an older woman flying in from Turkey as she was the guest of honor at a fundraiser they were having. I was told she knew little to no English and I wasn’t the first choice to go get her, I was just the only one available seeing everyone else had bigger jobs to do.
They give me a sign with her surname on it, her flight number, and a general description of what she looked like. Whiteboard in hand and a little hesitant, I set off for the airport ready to get my cargo.
I pull up to the international gate and immediately an Eastern European woman standing all alone. I get out with my sign that says ‘Demir’ and she smiles with great joy, points at the sign, points at herself and without hesitation, loads her bags in the car and hops in. Last name? Check. Eastern European? Check. Not much English? Check. can’t believe my luck!!
I pull out of the airport and immediately head in the direction of the Turkish center with my passenger all buckled up ready for the 35 minute drive. About 15 minutes into the ride, she pulls out her phone and begins to rustle around. She calls someone and frantically speaks in Turkish. I’m thinking she left something on the plane or at home. I felt bad but I couldn’t do anything about it at the time, I was driving in the freeway.
10 minutes later, I’m off the freeway and a cop passes. He immediately flips a bitch, lights me up and I pull over. At this point I’m freaking out and when I turn around, I see the lady has Uber out and upon further inspection, I’m not the Uber driver.....
The cop tells me to get out and I am taken down very fast, by a plethora of cops, handcuffed, and put in the back of a squad car with zero information. My head hurts from the slam against the ground and I’m fully aware of the kidnapping situation I’m in.
After about 15 minutes of the lady screaming in Turkish to the police and other cars arriving, an officer opens the door and asks me my story. I ask him to use my phone to contact the Turkish center and the lead woman comes down to explain what happened.
Little did I know ‘Demir’ is one of the most common surnames in all of Turkey. So when the lady(her first trip to america) see that I have her name, she figures I’m the Uber driver ready to pick her up. She knows how to use google maps and saw we were headed in the opposite direction of her intended destination. My heart is still going 10,000 beats a minute while another car with a friend from the center and what could be the real ‘Demir’ pulls up.
After a discussion that I’m not a part of takes place, the cops get me out of the car, unhand-cuff me and everyone, including the kidnapped woman, seems to be laughing....except me. I am in disbelief as of to what just happened and I definitely sweated through my entire outfit. We get back to the Turkish center and the story spread like wild fire. Everyone comes up to me with a hug, a laugh, and a drink. I got drunk drunk.
TL;DR by picking up the wrong woman and getting arrested for kid napping. First names count, people!!!
Edit: detained, not arrested. Also, talking with Turks, they all have varying degrees of where the country resides. Eastern is too white, middle is bad in America, so most of them just say they are from Turkey. | They didn’t give you her first name, especially knowing that the surname is extremely common? |
Okay so the obligatory this happened a few months back.
A little backstory, I have dealt with severe depression and suicidal thoughts, have a few (obviously) unsuccessful attempts. Good news; I'm better now and I laugh about it. I was better back then too.
Also worth mentioning I'm into writing short stories and currently a novel.
So back to the fuck-up, a short story I was writing back then started off with a 15 year old girl finding a suicide letter dated 10 years into the future, and is in her own handwriting. I bet you can see where this is going.. So I start drafting the letter and before I finish it with the dating and stuff I get a call from my friend saying she is around and wants to talk, so I get out saying very little to my mom.
After leaving in a hurry and staying outside for a few hours my mom gets worried and calls me. *Shocker* I left my phone at home. (It's really not a rare thing for me to do, it's rare I take it with me unless I'm going to school or a date or something) she goes into my room and sees "my" suicide note.
She gets scared and calls my dad. Soon after, my family is driving around looking for me. I walk back home and to my surprise there is police cars and my parents are crying. After a quick explaining and a few hours of scolding everything was fine but I felt terrible for putting my parents through that fear again.
TL;DR: Me, a previously suicidal teen, writes a suicide letter for a short story, then leaves the house in a hurry, parents call the cops thinking I killed myself, I show up eating ice cream and get scolded. Generally felt terrible
Edit: wow a lot of you want to read the horrible piece of fiction I wrote back then, I can't find the original story but I'll try to rewrite from memory in the morning!
Edit2: ah yes the good old severe suicide | Oh, man, that's harsh... all I can say is that I'm glad you got out of the depressions(?) and are doing better now! :-) |
I (M, 33) live in Quebec, Canada. Here the official language is French, but almost everyone speaks English too.
The other day I was shoveling snow on my driveway and my neighbor (F ~35) was there too, removing snow from her car.
We share a driveway and we are very friendly. We always help each other and exchange gifts. I really love having them as neighbors.
Their family configuration is: mother, two daughters, one son and a father. But dad and mom are divorced. So on this day I finally met the father.
So he approached me talking in French, and I kinda can speak French, so I tried to maintain the conversation in French to be respectful. He said "my daughters said you are a very good neighbor (mes filles m'on dit que tu est un très bon voisin)" or something along these lines.
I replied: merci! Elles sont très bonnes aussi !
I thought that meant "thank you, they are very good too!
Again, my French is very limited.
That actually means "yes, they are very hot too"
Or "very good to f*ck"
He started speaking English, and we had a pleasant conversation.
Weeks later I watch a video about the worst mistakes you can make in French. This was #1.
So now I know that I said to a Muslim father that they daughters and ex wife are hot.
TL;DR: my French speaking skills suck and I said to a man that his ex-wife and daughters are hot when I'm trying to say that they are very good (elles sont très bonnes, if you speak any French).
EDIT 1: some people from Quebec sent me messages saying that this is a "France french" expression (or metropolitan french). That is a relief, but not that much. Because I guess they learnt French from France, because they are from Lebanon. | It was very gracious of him to understand that you made a mistake and ignore it. Sounds like he is a very good neighbour too
EDIT: Thanks so much for the Gold Award!
EDIT: Thank you very much for the 2 Helpful Awards!
EDIT: Greatly appreciative of the Silver Award! |
This just happened minutes ago. I’m in a children’s hospital with my wife and son because he’s been having severe asthma issues.
My wife is laying in the bed with my son on top of her, and I’ve just been sitting in one of the chairs. As people kept coming in, I noticed some rather odd looks from them, some mumbling, and some more odd looks. I figured I had some food on my face or something and didn’t think too much of it.
Suddenly, I’m sitting there reading something on reddit when my wife looks at me and says, “What’s that between your legs?”
I look down, and there’s a pink ball between my legs. Confusion quickly turns to shock as I realize that pink ball is one of *my* balls. One of my testicles is literally hanging out of my pants and is sitting on the seat.
I don’t have a spare pair of pants here, so now I’m just sitting with my legs tightly together like I’m wearing a skirt and praying my son doesn’t stay here long.
TL;DR I found out I had a hole in my pants by multiple people noticing a testicle sitting on my chair.
**EDIT: Most common question is about my undergarments. I was indeed wearing boxers. My testicle came out the bottom of them.**
EDIT2: Wow this post really got the ball rolling (what, I can’t do testy puns too?). Thank you kind stranger for the coconut reward! I had no idea such an appropriate award existed for this situation.
**EDIT3: I GOT PANTS! As several people suggested, I explained my predicament to the nurse, and she hooked me up with a pair of scrub pants. They’ll make excellent pajama pants.**
And thank you for another coconut! I have two now! How fitting. Thank you, kind stranger.
EDIT4: Another coconut (three nuts now—one can fall out, and I still have two left) and a silver. Thank you again!
EDIT5: Popped my gold cherry. Guess everything is popping for me today. Thank you, internet stranger!
**EDIT6: Dammit! Replacement pants are actually worse than original pants. [Here’s me wearing them on top of my pants](https://imgur.com/a/xI6y80B). The “fly” makes no sense. Wife confirms it.**
EDIT7: Thank you to /u/jedberg for evening out my balls at two pairs and another kind stranger for more silver!
**LAST EVER EDIT: Son is doing better. We can hopefully leave tomorrow. My ball has been staying put in two sets of pants. Thank you for all the love and support everyone. Sorry for going a little (lot) edit crazy. Just overwhelmed by all the support.** |
>Confusion quickly turns to shock as I realize that pink ball is one of *my* balls.
We've been tricked, we've been backstabbed and we've been quite possibly, bamboozled. |
Today while scrolling through my Twitter feed and minding my own business, I learned that there was a study recently that the 1987 Garfield mugs series from McDonald's titled "It's not a pretty life but somebody has to live it" has been tested to and now is verified to have over 99,300 PPM of Lead and 5,833 PPM of Cadmium which are both to cause brain damage and/or potential cancers.
This is my favorite mug -- I am a massive Garfield fan -- and I use it every day in the morning to make my morning tea as well as to have at my desk when I stream and record/edit videos. My favorite fat cat and a hyperfixation since I was young has been killing me, one sip at a time and ironically to add to the meat of this, my name is John.
GARFIEEEELD!
TL;DR but today I learned that Garfield, the fat orange cat, is giving me brain damage and potentially even cancer.
\[[Link to Lead-Testing Article](https://tamararubin.com/2019/10/1978-garfield-its-not-a-pretty-life-but-somebody-has-to-live-it-glass-mcdonalds-mug-99300-ppm-lead-causes-brain-damage-5833-ppm-cadmium-causes-cancer/)\]
\[[Picture of me showing off and brandishing my super cool Garfield mug in astonishment and bewilderment](https://twitter.com/laterment/status/1514336685223514123?s=20&t=W_U_GpIylQMDDGEIUxJXVQ)\]
Edit: (additional text and information)
I’m not sure why this post blew up the way it did but seven hours and a million views later, I have found out there are *MANY* Garfield cup owners, users, and enjoyers and I want to say thank you for checking out this post — I appreciate all of you!
When I made this post, I wasn’t expecting it to get to where it is at but if you have a Garfie cup like me, you’re probably safe as long as you’re not licking the damn paint haha — don’t lick the paint and make sure your print it still laminated/sealed!
Use the cup at your own disposal for whatever you please and keep doing what you do, you wonderful people :)
I’m planning on making a YouTube video about this situation and the cups in a week or so thanks to you all and I really do hope you enjoy — I’ll still be in the thread chatting but it’s been an adventure! | Tbh I’m just impressed you’ve kept a cup from ~~1978~~ 1987 in such good condition.
Sorry about the brain damage.
Edit: to everyone telling me the date I’ve put is wrong, the post originally said 1978 and has been edited to 1987. I’ll make the same edit. |
I am in no way shape or form blaming my bf, but I think I mentally scarred myself. I’ve been watching some pretty crazy shit recently, and I had the smart idea to try something out. I asked him if he could preform certain acts of BDSM with my consent. I wasn’t abused as a kid or anything. Idk, porn just glorified it enough to make me curious. We had safe words and everything. And when we did the deed, I was… conflicted to say the least. It was arousing, don’t get me wrong. But fuck, it also left me feeling helpless. I know it was kind of the point, but I was not prepared. I didn’t ask to stop because I was still getting off on it.
My bf was very against it at first since he was as vanilla as a person can be. but he said if I really wanted to try, he’d be up for it. The thing was, he actually enjoyed it. Like really enjoyed it.
Anyways afterwards, I let him know that it wasn’t as fun as I’d thought it would be and that we wouldn’t do it again. He was understanding of course. But for some reason, I was kind of unnerved that he was really into it. And the weeks afterwards, I just kept thinking of how helpless. I’ve been less intimate with my boyfriend since then. Every time he touches me to initiate, I recoil. And every time I think of being intimate with him, I think of that night.
My boyfriend has been very supportive with me, saying it’s no big deal if we weren’t intimate. Just as long as I feel comfortable. The thing is, I’m not. He doesn’t know that this has been festering inside me and I actually feel like shit for feeling like this. It seems totally unfair to tell him about this because, like I literally asked for bdsm specifically! He’d feel like a total piece of shit for doing what I asked. It’s not his fault I woke some kink in him.
Anyways, I think I’m gonna spend money on therapy to fix this myself, thanks for listening Reddit
TLDR: Asked my bf to be very rough with me during sex. It mentally scarred me and I feel like shit for feeling like shit. Can’t tell my bf because it’ll make him feel like shit because I’m a piece of shit for thinking it would be hot. So I’m going to therapy.
Edit: Hi! Shit. Didn’t expect this to blow up as big as it did. There is no way I’ll be able to read every comment, but I want to thank all of you! Even the “questionable” comments for the laughs. I just want to reiterate that I don’t blame my boyfriend at all. In fact I’m going to just up and tell him my feelings and apologize for being somewhat cold these last few weeks. We’re generally pretty good about communicating since we’ve been together for years. But idk, there’s something deeply personal about opening up about this. Like I know it’s hypocritical to be upset. But I can’t just turn off my anxiety. And I know he’s anxious about it too, but doesn’t want to open up either in fear of hurting my feelings too. That’s why I’ll just rip off the band aid. Anyways thanks again Reddit! And also sorting by controversial gave me some good laughs just from the insanity of a certain group of people lmao. I hope you guys find someone that loves you.
Edit 2: I let him in on the inner workings of my mind the other day. I made it very clear that I am not voluntarily trying to hold it against it. Rather it the result of some trauma that I brought upon myself for my lack of preparation. I apologized for being relatively cold for the last weeks, and we made it. He knew something was up and felt really bad, and I reassured it it was all on me. I showed him the Reddit post just for transparency. Anyways, we’re both gonna go to therapy to deal with any trauma induced symptoms. Because that’s what it is, symptoms that I want to get treated. It isn’t me, nor do I want to be dictated by it. Anyways, have a lovely day peeps! And to all the people at the top of controversial sort, I mean it. I hope you find someone that will love you ❤️ | One thing to consider is that he only enjoyed it because he thought you were enjoying it too. If he knew you were having a bad time, I doubt it would have been arousing to him. |
This happened about thirty minutes ago. So I've been Covid gardening since March, growing stuff from seeds, and my tomatoes are monsters. Six feet high and still going. Temps have been in the upper 90's, so I need to water them twice a day. I check their condition, note they do need water, then see an actual TOMATO OMG. Since this is the first edible thing I've seen after three months of backbreaking work, I'm understandably excited. I lean forward to examine said first glorious tomato. As I do, my bright red hair swings into eyeball range, and I see a GIANT FUCKING WASP tangled in it. Now, in hindsight it probably was normal-sized, but as it was right in front of my eyeball, I promise you it looked gargantuan.
The wasp is, as you can imagine, not terribly pleased to be trapped in the thickets of my hair. I do not panic, however. I grab the base of that hank of hair and hold it while still leaning forward so the angry little bastard doesn't swing directly into my face. I go into problem-solving mode. The wasp does not wish to be in my hair-I do not wish the wasp to be in my hair. Yet, I sense, cooperation will not be possible. I instead enlist physics as my helper and attempt to fling the little fucker free by cracking my hair like a whip. Alas for my B grade in PH 221--Physics decided it is not my bitch today. I whip the angry little bastard RIGHT DOWN THE CLEAVAGE OF MY TANK TOP.
Small aside: I have more cleavage-related woes than any other two women I know. It is a black hole for bad luck. And on one memorable occasion, sushi from across a crowded restaurant. A TALE FOR LATER.
Having switched directly from "not panicking I can solve this" to "panicking now I HAVE A WASP IN MY BOOBS," I yank the neck of my tank top forward in an attempt to keep the buzzing motherfucker from digging a hole in my fun bags. Luckily, the wasp appeared to watch a lot of fashion television and was instead attacking my tank top. I mean, I get it. No one wants to be flung into leaf green ribbed polyester. It is so last summer.
Having learned absolutely nothing from my previous flirtation with centripetal force, I again attempt to whip the little fucker free. Naturally, it goes directly into my face. I slap it away with my free hand, and it goes back into my cleavage. But fortunately this time it hits my boob at such an angle that it bounces out to freedom!
Still bent forward and holding my tank top's neck at least a foot from me, I crow in victory and straighten up, immediately making awkward eye contact with the three stunned construction workers in my neighbor's back yard. No, I was not wearing a bra. So yeah, I just flashed those poor men with leaning forward middle-aged dangle boobs. Fluttering like pennants in the wind. Not the most flattering angle.
Did I attempt to explain my entirely reasonable circumstances to those baffled people? No, I did not. I just scuttled inside like the fuck-up I am, and now I can never go outside again and my tomatoes still need to be watered. But I pinged that little winged bastard like a backhand at Wimbledon and I did NOT get stung, so not entirely a loss? I dunno.
tl;dr: Monster tomatoes lead to cleavage wasp, and my titty semaphore is not understood by baffled bystanders.
Edit: Wow, I crashed and went to bed after reading a few very nice comments that made my night, and woke up to a very full inbox. Thank you! Also, yes I snuck out after dark to water the tomatoes, they are going to be fine! I watered them again this morning. There are no construction people over at my neighbor's yet, but they appear to be building a fence, so I'm going back inside before they come back and continue with that.
Edit the second: [Pics for those demanding them (banana for scale)](https://i.imgur.com/STu43Bk.jpg) and [The beauty you wanted](https://i.imgur.com/XF7VJDh.jpg) | The wasp preferred melons? |
Over the weekend I was staying at a popular UK chain hotel and thought I was going to be there until Sunday night. Well 1pm comes and I get back to the hotel early from having lunch and it turns out that they have a strict checkout time of 12pm to get your money back and I don’t really want to stay there all day by myself miles away just for the sake of it.
Over in the corner of the hotel lobby was a little lounge area with a sofa and some armchairs. There was a girl who must not have been much older than 18 or so asleep on the sofa and you could tell from her appearance that she was sleeping rough and had come inside out of the rain. The hotel reception staff walked over to her and were asking her to leave, which I understand, but I felt horrible for her. I followed her out into the car park and offered her my room key if she promised not to trash the room and as long as she checked out on time. She agreed and so I went on my way not really thinking much about it other than how she wouldn’t have to sleep outside in the rain.
I spoke to my brother later on and he informed me that if something bad happened to her in the room then it would be on me, so I was panicked all last night. I tried calling the hotel to tell them of the situation but couldn’t get through. Well they called me this morning and it turns out that she didn’t only trash the room, but that she also urinated in the hallway, tried to smash the vending machine and was in general a disturbance to other guests. The hotel informed me that I’d have to pay for any damage and the reception lady gave me a very stern lecture about why they don’t just give people rooms when they show up like that. Lesson learned, but at least an 18 year old girl didn’t have to sleep outside in the rain and be open to any number of dangerous situations for a night I suppose.
TL;DR I was checking out of an hotel early and there was an homeless girl sleeping in the lobby. She was being moved on so I gave her my room key and let her have the room. She trashed it and now I have to pay for damages.
Edit: thank you so much for the awards guys! I’ve never had a big post on Reddit before so it’s hard to keep up, but I appreciate it!
UPDATE: It’s been months and i more or less forgot about this, but I received my bill today and it was £478 for damages and £210 for the room since it couldn’t be used for 2 days. I expected worse to be honest, but it’s still not great obviously. | LPT: If you need to ask someone to *promise not to trash the room* then you should have just hit the brakes right there.... |
So my boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) stay at each other’s apartments. On this particular day, BF had to leave before me.
So I’m getting ready, and I notice something in his bathroom trash can.
A pad wrapper. Pink. I already got my period this month, and mine are blue. He doesn’t have any female family/friends in the area that I know of.
So I’m panicking inside. All day. I go to class and then to work and come back to his place. We’re eating the dinner that I cooked for him, and all the while I’ve been thinking about how to confront him.
When we finish eating, I calmly say, “Okay, look, I’m not accusing you of anything. But I saw something and I need an explanation.”
I told him what I found this morning, and the fucker starts laughing.
“Babe, go look at the shelf on top of my computer. No, seriously, go look.”
I go into his room. He points to a canister on the shelf. I open it.
Who the hell owns pink cleaning wipes?
TL;DR thought I saw a pad wrapper in my boyfriend’s trash can but it was a cleaning wipe.
ETA: We’ve had a talk about this obviously, and he says I handled it well and understands me. I know this is Reddit, but I’m in therapy so y’all can stop with the unsolicited advice and takes on our relationship. Thanks! | Pink usually means anti-static. So yeah pink wipes would be for tech. |
So some of you may remember my original post where I accidentally saw pictures of my girlfriend sucking the biggest dick I’ve ever seen:
https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/bo6nut/tifu_by_swiping_on_my_girlfriends_phone_nsfw/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app
I’ve had had thousands of messages asking for an update, and a similar amount of messages asking for the pictures (I don’t have them and I don’t want to see them again).
The truth is there isn’t much of an update because I never confronted her about it. I decided that it was my problem not hers, and that this may be one of those rare occasions where it would be more healthy for our relationship to leave the past in the past.
Our sex life is back to normal and I feel like I’ve mostly processed the situation in a healthy way. We all have things in our past, and the most important thing is we are happy and we love each other.
I thought I would also use this as an opportunity to address some of the most common questions/comments.
—
WHY DOES SHE STILL HAVE THE PICTURES?
Honestly I think she probably forgot. We all have stuff on our phones going back years. I found some nudes of exes that I had forgotten about so I guess I’m as bad as her.
HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS HER EX?
Because I could see a gallery of thumbnails from the same set and some had his face in
WAS IT PHOTOSHOPPED OR A STRAP-ON?
No
YOU MUST BE EXAGGERATING NO DICK IS THAT BIG
2 coke cans is about right. It was bigger than her forearm.
As you can imagine, I’ve also received a bunch of dick pics in my DMs with guys comparing their dicks to 2 coke cans. Thanks for that chaps.
A DICK THAT BIG COULDN’T GET HARD
It certainly seemed rock hard in the pictures, but she had previously mentioned that an ex had erection problems and relied on viagra. So maybe you’re right.
HER PUSSY MUST BE STRETCHED/CAVERNOUS/GAPING
She probably has the tightest vagina of all the girls I’ve been with. I guess you don’t know how vaginas work.
—
Someone told me that my original post was the most upvoted NSFW post in the history of Reddit. I don’t know if that’s true, but I guess that’s pretty cool.
TL;DR accidentally saw pictures of my girlfriend sucking the biggest dick in the world, processed the situation in a healthy way and everything is back to normal | We shall call him 'two-can-Sam' from now on... |
Some backstory: I used to get a lot of UTIs. Like, _a lot_ a lot, no matter what I did. Boyfriend and I would both shower before sex, I would pee immediately after, I drank water like a camel, took urinary health supplements, everything I could think of. I would still get 8-12 of them a year, a couple of which turned into kidney infections and landed me in the hospital. I was constantly on antibiotics, and at one point I was prescribed an antibiotic to take every time after I had sex. It destroyed my gut bacteria and pH balance down there, and I was miserable and in pain constantly.
I was told pretty much the same thing by every doctor I went to: I need to pee after sex, drink more water, etc. I told them I was already doing all of these things, and they said some women just get them more frequently than others for some reason.
The last time I ended up in the ER with a kidney infection, the kind ER doctor told me that in his 45+ years of practicing medicine, he had never seen a healthy young woman have that many UTIs. There is absolutely something wrong, and I need to see a specialist about it ASAP.
Fast forward 4 weeks and a referral to a urologist later, my doctor runs a series of tests. One of these tests is a uroscopy which, if you’ve never had one, is where a very small camera is inserted into your bladder through your urethra and is just about as pleasant as it sounds. It didn’t take my doctor long to discover the cause of my constant UTIs: there was a growth/tumor in there. It had formed a pocket which the doctor said was collecting bacteria, contributing to both the frequency and severity of my UTIs being increased.
Since there was no way to know if this was a birth defect, a benign growth, or literal cancer without a biopsy, surgery was scheduled immediately to have it removed. The biopsy found that it was not cancerous, which I am infinitely grateful for. Since recovering from surgery, I have not had a single UTI, have gotten off antibiotics, and am able to have a normal sex life with my boyfriend without the fear getting sent to the hospital. My fuck up is that I suffered for years and years instead of getting help, thinking that what I was going through was normal.
TL;DR My constant UTIs were being caused by a growth inside of my bladder, and I spent years suffering before getting treatment because I was told women getting frequent UTIs was normal. | I like post like these, mostly because it helps others become aware of possibility that they too could have the same thing. |
Like many men, this quarantine gave me (a 35yo Male) a good opportunity to grow out a beard. So, I'm on a Sales Department WebEx Call (probably 300 people) and since no one has seen me in about a month, it was a bit of a surprise to see me with facial hair. A friend at the company privately messages me through WebEx, "Dude what happened to your face?" I thought it would be funny to reply with "Good News! I finally hit puberty!!!" except that message wasn't private - it went to everyone on the call... like everyone - without any context around it. Just imagine sitting there on a company webex call listening to the SVP of Sales and out of nowhere your coworker sends you a message saying "Good News! I finally hit puberty." That coworker was me.
TL;DR Coworker sent private message to me on a call with 300 people asking about my new beard. I accidentally sent the 300 people a message saying "Good News! I finally hit puberty!!!"
Edit: Glad you all enjoyed the story.. Totally unrelated but since I'll never have an audience this big again, I am announcing my faith publicly. The Bible says, if I deny Him before men, He will deny me before His Father in Heaven so with an audience of 100,000+ people, I am a believer in Jesus Christ. I believe He is the son of God, was crucified on the cross and died for my sins but rose on the 3rd day to give me salvation. I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior...Boom. | That's funny though. Anyone with a sense of humor would laugh |
I'm a happily married male security guard, working third shift at a sleepy little hospital. Technically, it's just a stand-alone Emergency Room, and if anybody needs further treatment, they get sent to one of two or three "real" hospitals.
She's a nurse that just started working here, and I've just started getting to know. She was telling me about her upcoming wedding today, and we chatted for a little bit about her selling her old house, my marriage jitters five years ago, and the like. It seemed very friendly, and I could tell how excited she was for this wedding. She had kind things to say about me and my story, but I took it as just friendly chatter instead of flirting.
I was sitting at my desk, browsing reddit on one screen while the cameras are on the other, and I saw movement in the triage room, which is odd because there aren't any patients in the building. Nobody in the lobby either. It's the nurse who's about to get married, who slips off her shoes. And pants. And top. I could see she shaves her bikini area, and the lacy bits on her bra, which is all she's wearing except socks. She steps onto the scale, fiddles with her bra a little bit, and then steps back off and gets dressed again.
Now my heart is racing. I'm sick to my stomach; I can't believe what I just saw. It feels gross to have intruded on something like that. What am I supposed to do? I decide that what I'm not going to do is tell my supervisor. I don't think there's a way for me to delete the video footage, and I know that if my higher-ups know what to look for, they can find it. I don't think they just browse everything randomly, though, so if I don't draw attention to it, chances are good no one else will see it. Right?
None of that was my fault. What was my fault, is that I got her attention on her way out the door and said something really stupid.
"Hey, good luck showing the house."
"Thanks!" She smiled.
"Hey," I hesitated. The anxiety started to choke me.
"I don't know how to tell you this, but there are cameras in the triage room."
I watched confusion make way to realization, followed by disgust. Utter disgust. Anger, perhaps? I was still reeling and wondering how I expected this news to be taken. I hadn't thought that far ahead.
"I did not know that," she spat out, trying to look anywhere but at me.
"I won't tell anyone. Umm, good luck fitting in your wedding dress? See you later." I still don't know where in the everlasting hell that came from. She left without saying anything more.
TL;DR ... I should have just suffered in silence with the knowledge of what my co-worker's naked body looked like. The look of disgust on her face is now burned in my face more than her nudity ever was.
I don't plan on telling anyone at work what I saw, but venting to reddit may help me get these emotions in check enough to sleep before my next shift. Tylenol PM will probably help, too.
EDIT: I mentioned a lot of details about her state of undress, trying to get across the point that the [cameras had a pretty good shot](https://imgur.com/a/YaiR1xA). I don't think I can pan or zoom, but I didn't have to. And she wasn't wearing any panties under her scrubs, hence the "just bra and socks."
My only explanation for the "Good luck fitting in your dress" comment is that I was desperately trying to move the conversation forward in a positive direction. And that was the best explanation in my mind for her behavior, so it was the first thing my anxious brain caught hold of. It really wasn't supposed to be a fat joke because she is absolutely slim. Yes, I know I'm clueless. Hence why I'm in /r/TIFU.
I really didn't want to believe that she was flirting in our conversation, and that she would do it on purpose, but I left out the fact that our conversation directly before the incident started with me saying something along the lines of "Hey, I played back the camera footage, and that creepy guest that didn't leave when the patient they were visiting left? Yeah, I made sure they left the building. They're gone." Thirty minutes after that conversation, she is [standing directly under a camera and demonstrating that she's been going commando all night.](https://imgur.com/a/YaiR1xA) The timing was slightly suspicious, but I didn't want to believe it.
Although now a third option comes to mind. Being really slim and having a compulsion to weigh yourself at work... could that possibly indicate a former or current eating disorder? Now I'm even more of a jerk.
I told my wife, and she was slightly embarrassed for the nurse and for me, but being a nurse herself, she's inserted enough catheters to not be phased by the human body too much. We still had sex before she went to bed and I went to work. | Sounds like you warned her that her actions were recorded and could have consequences if she kept doing that, and reassured her that you weren't going to tell anyone. As long as you don't tell anyone at work, I think you did the right thing but it was really embarrassing for her so she reacted emotionally. I wouldn't worry about it. Your conscience should be clear.
Edit: did the right thing* |
Removed | You make a post about a pitbull AND a kitten without pictures?! The audacity!
|
My pre-sentencing date. 3 lawyers, stenographer, clerk of courts, and judge were in the room. Super quiet when no one was talking. I had been arrested with six ounces of marijuana and the charge carried possible prison time, with a modifier of being on or near school grounds. They had caught me at midnight, pulling up to my house, which was, admittedly, across the street from a school. I didn't sell drugs, and I certainly would have never sold drugs to, or done drugs with, someone under 18. But, the law's the law. So maximum of 8 and a half years in prison. Judge says "Mister Technician, you'll report for your sentencing date December 23rd." To which I loudly, merrily blurted out; " MMMMEEEERRRRRYYY CHRISTMAS!" It was cheeky. My heart dropped. I knew I messed up. Now, don't call me a liar, because this is absolutely true. The courtroom went dead silent, and as my gaze met the judge's he erupted in laughter. The rest of the courtroom kind of chuckled uncomfortably, while my lawyer slowly turned to meet my eyes with a look that said "The FUCK is WRONG with you?!" The judge stopped laughing, and said "Alright, Mister technician, we'll push back that date and reschedule for January 21rst."
TL;DR My stupid filter shut off and I almost sent myself to prison.
Edit: This was not actually today, sorry for the confusion. | Bro, court is so solemn and boring. You probably made the judge's week lol! I bet he told his family that story. |
This happened this morning.
I had stayed the night at my boyfriends dorm, and so we were both crammed on his shitty dorm mattress.
The night went by very peaceful. In the morning I woke up, stood up and stretched, and then headed out to the kitchen. I grabbed a glass of water and chugged it, and then checked my period tracker app. The app said I was a couple days late, so I decided to take a pregnancy test.
I went to the bathroom, opened up the test, sat down and began to take it. When I looked at the test, the screen was completely distorted. I couldn’t read if it was positive or not, so I decided to try another one.
I open a new test, sit down, and miraculously, have a lot more pee in me. I start peeing like a mad man. It is just FLOWING out of me onto the stick. It seems never ending.
And then suddenly it stops.
And I wake up. In my boyfriends tiny bed. With him sleeping soundly right next to me. A puddle of my piss spreading across the mattress like wildfire.
It was on his sheets, comforter, and his shirt that I was wearing. Luckily I was able to wake him and get him to move before it reached him.
The level of embarrassment I felt was insane. We took the sheets off and cleaned up, but I didn’t have a change of clothes so I had to put on yesterday’s dirty clothes and sit in shame.
He’s been cracking bed wetter jokes all day now and I truly feel like I’ll never live this down.
TLDR: dreamt I was taking a pregnancy test, actually pissed in my boyfriends bed.
Edit: I feel like some people are misunderstanding. My boyfriend “cracking bed wetter jokes” isn’t a bad/rude thing. I think it’s funny, and he’s a really great guy. He was completely understanding, helped me clean up and didn’t for a second make me feel like I should be ashamed. He tried to make me feel better about it, and then afterwards the jokes started. Now it’s sort of like an inside joke. This TIFU is lighthearted! | I'd count this as a win.
I'd rather wake a boyfriend to tell him I wet the bed than wake him to tell him he's gonna be a daddy. |
I'm a very socially awkward person.
So when the numerous hours of back-and-forth chit chat with women on Tinder resulted in a first date I was ecstatic. We had matched a week or two back to my surprise and started talking about our personal interests; TV shows, movies, and what not. After my conversational cannon fodder of questions started to run dry, I decided "fuck it" and asked if she wanted to see Rogue One with me last Friday night. She said yes!
The night comes and I decide to start getting ready by picking out some nice looking clothes aside from the typical bullshit that I wear on a daily basis. Jeans, a white shirt, boots, and a nice jacket I'd received from my mother on Christmas. It was raining too so I grabbed an umbrella on my way out.
I get on the train and walk to the rendezvous. I wait 10 or so minutes and see her walking down the street. Nervous, I walk out into the rain with the umbrella to meet her. We shake hands, say hi to one another, and I ask if she's ready to head down to the movie theater. She says yes and off we go.
Here's where it went south.
We're walking through the rain and come up to a big, water-filled street corner. I'm not sure whether it was nerves or my own lack of social skills which compelled me to do what I did, but I immediately stop and start to take off my jacket. Confused, she asks what I'm doing to which I reply, "I got this." She quickly realizes what I'm about to do and starts saying "Oh, you don't have t-".
I cut her off by throwing my jacket into this huge puddle expecting her to walk on it and onto the curb like you see in old movies/shows. The silence quickly makes me realize what I've done. I mutter out a "After you..." and she continues to stare at me.
Without a word, she ghosts me on the spot. I pick my jacket up out of the puddle and make my walk of shame home.
Maybe next time. | So....first time out of the house? |
So, my wife loves big loads. I don't know why, but it's something she's always been into, and she'll do weird shit like make me drink more water or eat celery if she wants to have a lot of sex later that day. I don't get it, but it's her thing.
A few weeks back she went on a 10 day business trip. I wanted to surprise her when she got back so I ordered a supplement that's meant to help in that area. My plan was that the first time we had sex once she got back I would blow her away by shooting web like I was Spiderman fighting the Crazy 88s. Then she'd think I was the pinnacle of masculinity and would love me even more. Didn't work out like that.
She got back last Friday and we didn't do anything special that night- just relaxed and slept. On Saturday morning I got everything ready for her to go to her niece's birthday party at my MIL's house- I wrapped the gifts, picked up some cupcakes, and even cleaned the house. I don't like my MIL and stay home from stuff there, so I figured I would make things easier for my wife since she had just gotten back from a long trip. Well, my loving wife decided to reward me. With a blowjob.
She was all dressed up and ready to go (cute sundress, nice formal shoes, makeup and hair done), but sat me down on the couch beforehand and pulled my pants down. I debated telling her here whether or not I had been taking the supplements (I hadn't jerked off in about a week so I had no idea if they even worked) but decided not to. I meant to surprise her, and boy did I.
So, to cut to the chase: I was about to finish and told her so. She just nodded and kept going. What a champ. Then I started to cum, and then I did again, and again, and again.
It. just. kept. coming.
At this point my wife threw herself back from me and did an imitation of Chewbacca fighting a swarm of hornets. She was screaming out a gurgled "what the fuuuuuuuuck" while pawing in front of her face. She started coughing and it got everywhere- her hair, dress, face- even the gift.
She was already late so she didn't have enough time to change and get dressed up again. She threw on some jeans and a nice shirt, rinsed her hair out and let it down, and went to the party. It should be noted that her eyes get red when she coughs a lot, and she was pretty tired from just getting back the night before.
Well, an hour and a half later she sent me [these texts](https://imgur.com/a/nwy6It7). To be honest, I thought it was kind of hilarious (and so did my wife). My MIL is really religious and anal about everything and stuff like this can happen quite a bit. My wife doesn't even smoke.
But, her mom ended up calling her later that day saying essentially "if you're going to get high and can't even get ready for your nieces birthday party, then you can't come over at all" and now wants to see her doing some type of rehab before having contact with her. Oof.
TL;DR: Took a load boosting supplement, came like a fire hydrant and destroyed my wife’s personal appearance, MIL thought she was high because of it and now wife is banned from her house until she goes to rehab
Edit: fixed the TL;DR because apparently my previous one broke the Geneva convention. Lots of people are asking what the supplement is (seriously, I’ve gotten 100+ messages about dick pills, wtf reddit)- [this guy](https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/nrou10/tifu_by_taking_a_load_boosting_supplement_and/h0i05qs/) caught me and put two and two together. Not my best or brightest moment, but it’s here. | Just tell your MIL the truth. Her daughter wasn't high, she was just drowning in cum. Hot, thick, sticky, cum |
Short but sweet, obligatory TL;DR at the bottom.
I (F 34) was on my way back home from work, passing by the local grocery store and supermarket, located very close to my home.There are normally lots of stray cats in the neighborhood, but there is one in particular that always comes running when she sees me, so even when I am loaded with shopping bags, I can't help myself petting her.Today was no exception. I made sure to pet her only with the left hand, because I knew I wouldn't be able to wash my hands immediately (love her but she is kinda dingy), so to avoid touching my face or hair (as I often do), I was trying to do everything with my right hand.
So I go to the supermarket next, already on the cash register, unloading my basket and chit-chatting with the boy who works it (he looks to be in his early 20's, kinda cute), like I normally do.While I'm helping him arrange all items in my bag, I followed his gaze and noticed the questioning look he gave my left hand, as it must have appeared quite weird that I wouldn't use it, and instead hold it aside, like a surgeon ready to operate.Me being the kind of person who feels the need to explain any misunderstandings away (because God forbid somebody thinks something weird about me, lol) chirp up casually:-Oh, I just stroke a kitty with that hand, so I try not to touch anything else before I wash my hands properly.Mind you, I said that in my native language, where the word for kitty and the euphemism are interchangeable, like *p.u.s.s.y* in English.
He stopped scanning the groceries for a moment and when I looked at him, he had this priceless expression on his face.... Eyes a little wide, sort of flushed, looking at me in disbelief.Only then did it hit me what I said and how it must have sounded to him.I quickly corrected myself, elaborating saying:-Kitty. Cat, you know. A stray. Meow meow. (Yes, I really said that....\*cringe\*)
He made an "Oooooh..." sound and bit his lips suppressing a burst of laughter.
I think I might shop elsewhere in the next few days... \*facepalm\*
TL;DR: I accidentally woke somebody's dirty mind by making him think I've pet my kitty...
**EDIT**: Thank you so much for the platinum and silver, I just wanted to vent by sharing a mildly cringe-worthy story from my day with a healthy dose of self-irony.
I didn't expect it to blow out like it did.
I appreciate all the kind and funny comments, BUT I'm also shocked to see how far could some people twist my words into extremely dark connotations - I even saw comments about me being creepy, predatory etc, which is absurd.
I know I shouldn't "feed the trolls" by engaging and reasoning, what reasoning when somebody posts an absurd comment meant solely to upset or offend, indeed.
But seriously, those who suggested I was in any way deliberately inappropriate or had some hidden lewd agenda towards this guy - I suggest you read my post again carefully and then if you still think so, seek some professional help, because the issue is with you, not with me. | He’s a cash register man now |
About a year ago I was approached by a 16 year old kid on LinkedIn with an business idea he wanted me to work with him on I assumed a "for free until funding" basis (I'm a UX designer).
I thought it was weird to be randomly contacted, but the foundations of his idea I thought were really solid and had growth potential, so I organized a call to discuss details etc. He ended up not being able to attend that call, and when he reached out to reschedule the message just slipped through my inbox unread for a while. After all, it was just a young guy with big dreams, how many guys are out there saying they've got the next big startup idea? So a week goes past and I forget about rescheduling, and then a month goes past and I forget about the idea altogether.
A year goes past and I see his company in the news receiving over $2m in venture capital funding.
TL;DR - Didn't take 16yo with startup idea seriously, missed out on a good growth opportunity | Finally a TIFU that doesn't have to do with painful post-sex genitalia |
Yes, this actually happened today, see Imgur link. Also, sorry for this being long, see tl;dr below.
I matched with a girl on Tinder today. The profile was ambiguous, just a picture of her laying down on her belly, no bio. I usually start with a creative message derived from the pictures or bio. [I decided to just message her, "I don't have much to go off from your profile. What does come to mind is that you have a nice looking butt" She responds, "Wanna touch my butt in perosn"](https://imgur.com/a/x6cAs3V) You can read the rest of the conversation from that Imgur link. Bottom line is, we decided to meet at my apartment and that I would give her $40 for some weed.
This felt like a whole new level of trashy for me. So far in life, I have only had sex with four people, and I make a serious attempt to date them. I asked my friends what I should do, they said it did not seem too sketch. I was going to say no, until I thought to myself, *"Hey dude, when you are an old man, you will regret not having casual sex with a stranger more than not knowing what could have been."*
I end up giving her my number and she calls me. There were a few things over the phone that gave me a bad feeling. First, she sounded *way* too casual over the phone. It felt like I was scheduling an appointment with a receptionist. Second, she thought that we were doing this at her place. I asked her if she had roommates, and she responded yes. I told her that it made more sense to do this at my place since I live alone. She ends up hanging up. I am thinking, *"Alright, whatever this all seemed too good to be true anyways."* She calls back 3 minutes later saying that she lost cell phone reception for a minute. This was the final item to make me feel uneasy. In hindsight she was obviously lying. The amount of time between calls was far too long for her to have just lost connection.
She agreed to do this at my place. I insisted that we get coffee first so I can make sure I am not bringing a wacko into my apartment. She agreed to that and I am feeling more comfortable now. She just asks for a ride, which was not a problem for me.
I leave to pick her up and get $40 for the bud. Up to this point, I was feeling really nervous about going through with this. Then, while I am actually going through with it, all those thoughts disappeared. I am just thinking to myself, *"Tonight is going to be fun! I am about to get a little high with a cute girl, play some Mario Kart with her, 'watch Netflix', get my dick wet, and maybe even... cuddle?"*
Little did I know, I am about to get majorly bamboozled. The address she gave me was not listed. I call her, she says just to meet her at the Rite Aid on the corner. This is when I should have known to back out. However, at this point, I am dead set on eating pussy. I meet her at the Rite Aid parking lot. She actually looks like her profile and all the nerves are gone again. She said we could expect her dealer to show up any minute. She gets the call 2 minutes later. I am thinking to myself, *"What kind of drug dealer is this prompt?"* but me being a gullible idiot, I give her my $40 anyways.
Then she meets some dude on the corner and they walk off together, not to be seen again. I immediately realize that I have been played. She texts me, "Ur beat sorry" and that was that.
Was I mad? No, not at all. The situation could have been far worse. It could have been more money. She could have been an undercover cop. She could have been lying about her age. I could have been beat up by her boyfriend. I could have gotten an STD. The list goes on folks.
Right now, I feel three things. I feel great shame, this is not the guy I am. I am just lonely and would have appreciated some sexual comfort. I also feel really bad for her. She must be in a tight spot to have gone through with that. I am sure that she needs my $40 more than I do. Finally, I feel really unlucky, as yesterday was my cake day. If this could have happened just one day earlier, my post would have been gilded *for sure*.
Ladies and gentlemen, what did we learn today? If a situation seems too good to be true, it is.
tl;dr I met a girl on Tinder who just wanted to get high and fuck. I give her the money for the weed and she just walks off with it.
Edit: Just woke up, will try to respond some of you throughout the day. Thanks for all the comments and to whoever it was that gave gold! I know, I am an idiot. I don’t mind being the *butt* of a joke though because you people are absolutely hilarious! | Make sure to report her tinder account |
So this happened 8 years ago when I was 12yo. (First reddit post, that’s why story took so long to tell.)
At the time I lived in Moscow, Russia with my family, im swedish but my father worked at the embassy in Moscow. I was always fucking/playing around as a young lad. While in Moscow we lived in a quite pompous neighberhood with mostly other diplomats as well as russian businessman who often are pretty shady (as yall know).
After school me and my best friend always used to hang out. I lived in an apartment in a big tower of a building. On every level there were two apartments and with that two doors. I lived on something like the 4-5 floor so I always took the elevator. Me and my friend one day ended up on the highest floor while being annoying and pressing all of the buttons in the elevator. That floor was being renovated, it was covered in plastic and overall looking kinda abandonned. The floor gave off a creepy feeling. As on all levels there were two doors. In Russia it is common that you have quite pompous doors with patterns and different materials. Rich people would flex not only with cars but also with doors. One of these two doors at the top of the building was hella pimped out.
The door was gray with buttons and made out of a fluffy pillowlike soft material, how I know it was soft? Well we felt on it. Me and my friend not only felt on it, because of its’ texture and the fact that we thought the apartment to be abondonned (yep) we made it a tradition to everytime we took the elevator to my flat first visit THE DOOR to pet it.
This tradition continued for a couple of weeks and one day we were hanging out at my place after petting the door when my father called on me. When I came to him he was standing at the door that was occupied by two big russian men armed with handguns. They started talking in russian which already normally sounds like an angry language. They looked hella scary with guns and they were both looking at me dead in the eyes while basically screaming. I had no idea what was going on (I spoke very little russian) until my father asked if I had been at the top floor doing suspicious stuff.
That was when I realized my fuck up. The russian body guards (my father told me they said that they introduced themselves as BGs) continued to lecture me for a while and my father looked quite amused. Then suddenly one of them started smiling and said something like ”good boy” in english before leaving. I stopped shitting my pants and asked my father what they said. He explained that they had seen me and my friend day after day walking up to THE DOOR and petting it in their surveillance system. I believe these body guards to work for some big time russian buisnessman perhaps even a criminal. I do not see why they would be armed otherwise. I can not with certainty say that they were gangsters but that would be my guess.
This incident was scary at the time but is a very fond memory from Russia today. I never petted THE DOOR again. Actually I have not petted a door since.
TL;DR
12 YO me petted neighbors door in Russia and got visit from armed gangster body guards.
(Written on IPhone) | Such an innocent thing to do, LOL
"Who's a good door, you're a good door!" *Proceeds to pet door* |
This sad tale literally just came to its bitter end.
So until 20 minutes ago I owned a gorgeous, bright yellow Death Grips hoodie that was my pride and joy. My mum bought it me for Christmas last year and it was my absolute favourite item of clothing.
Last night I went out with my mates and happened to meet an attractive Spanish girl who was just in Manchester for the weekend. We chatted for a bit and made out in the club smoking area as one does, then after a while she complained about the cold English weather. I predictably offered her my precious hoodie at this point. Fast forward a few hours and we exchange contact details as we planned to meet the next day to hang out, then she leaves the club. I realise she's still wearing the hoodie so run after her and ask for it back.
This is where I make my fatal error, a fine example of thinking with your genitals instead of your head. I had the smart idea that if I let her keep the hoodie for the night, itll mean she HAS to meet me the next day and can't back out thus allowing me more time to charm her. I essentially used the jumper as fishing bait but didn't think that the fish could just eat said bait and swim away. *spoiler alert* This is what happened.
The next day I awoke excited to spend some time with this girl and waited patiently for her to reply to my messages so we could arrange to meet. By 5 in the evening I start to get worried and message her again as well as asking her friend to reply to me. My messages get left 'seen' for about an hour before they both block me on all social media platforms shooting in the head any chance of me seeing my beautiful jumper ever again.
To the Spanish girl who stomped on a nice gesture and on my heart, know that you have made me sad.
Rest In Peace sweet banana coloured hoodie x
TL;DR Lent a hot girl my best jumper in an attempt to guarantee more courtship time, girl steals hoodie
Edit: Thanks for all the support guys this is pretty insane, also thanks for the gold and silver! To everyone offering to buy me a new one, thanks for being so kind and thoughtful but I'll have to politely decline. It would be too weird for me haha but if theres anyone in the UK that has one lying around that theyd maybe sell give me a message! x | When you want her to hump your woodie, but she steals your hoodie. |
Exactly what the title says, I (29M), did what every dude fear of doing: Rubbing your girlfriend’s clit and finding out it is NOT her clit.
Usually I’m great at finding it whenever we’re going at it, but tonight was not my night, when things were getting hot and heavy, I slipped my fingers down there and did the usual. My girlfriend (26F) asked what I was rubbing and I replied, “Your clit….?” And in confusion she replied, “No, I’m not feeling anything.”
For a second I was thrown off because how is she not feeling what I was rubbing for the past five minutes? So I poked what I thought was her clit and asked, “You mean this?” And by doing that, whatever the fucked I poked, caused her to yell in pain, “Yes, that!”
It turned out that above her hood was this cyst that was the same size as her clit and that’s what I was rubbing for the past 5 mins. Huge mood killer for the both of us, and now she’s upset that she has this weird pimple that she didn’t know of until now. I tried to comfort her but she’s not wanting to listen.
TL;DR Rubbed what I thought was my gf’s clit, turned out to be a big cyst above it. FML
EDIT: Turned out to be an ingrown hair, no I’m not posting it on r/popping you nasties.
EDIT 2: Since everyone is asking why she didn’t feel it for a while, it wasn’t that long of a time, like maybe a minute when she noticed it. Anyways, thanks for the advice, girlfriend is feeling better and it’s just a laughable memory. | Bro really said how may I acyst you today |
A few weeks ago, I met Max while out at a club for a bday party. He was cute, tall, and had a raspy voice and British accent (my weakness), and we spent a good amount of time that night just talking and chilling. We ended up exchanging numbers before my group left. We texted pretty consistently for a few days, and planned a date (archery and drinks). When I arrived at the range and saw Max in the light of day, I knew I had made a mistake. Upside: He was actually even cuter than I remembered. Downside: He was most definitely a she (the boobs were unmistakable in her top), albeit pretty androgynous. After a bit of convo, I confirmed that she definitely identified as a female and a lesbian. I explained that I was straight, and thought she was a guy, and she luckily laughed it off (apparently it’s happened before). We still ended up finishing up our date, and had a great time; we’ve hung out multiple times since then. I have since introduced her to a friend who’s actually a lesbian, and they really hit it off, and have been on a few dates. My friends have been roasting me for weeks, but I gained a friend and my friend gained a potential girlfriend, so really can’t complain.
TL;DR: I accidentally went on a date with an androgynous lesbian after meeting her in a poorly-lit club, thinking she was a guy.
*Edit 1: Thank you for the awards and kind comments! I’m glad this put a smile on people’s faces😊
*Edit 2: To the peeps coming for me for calling her accent “British”: it’s a Yorkshire accent. Didn’t think anyone would care about specifics. Please calm down and eat some bread. | "Today I Friended Up" |
Obligatory "didn't happen today".
When I go shopping or order things online I always give a phone number that is one digit different than mine because I don't want them to sell my info. By using the be same number every time I am consistent if I'm "already in the system". I've been using this number for about 10 years everywhere from JCPenney to Best Buy to financial services, etc.
Yesterday I got a new client and he had the same number I've been using as my "fake number". I tried my best not to show any emotion to hearing it but I asked him how long he's had that number. He said "Oh, about 15 years, but I may get a new one because I get non-stop telemarketing calls." I told him, "I get some once in awhile too. Aren't they annoying *haha*"
He says, "Yeah, I think maybe someone is giving out my number because they keep asking if {my first name} is available."
I said, "That happens to me from time to time as well, people think I'm {old homeowner's name} or {bosses name}. Oh well. Email me if you change your number."
He says "I will. Actually they ask for **you** pretty much all the time. What's your number? I bet they are getting us confused. It seems strange almost all of them ask for you even thought we're not related".
I gave him my work number.
**tl;dr: i've been giving out a fake number and met the guy who actually has that number in real life and he gets telemarketing calls non-stop because of it.**
.
.
Edit: So tonight I had a meeting at the guy's office to go over a proposal. I spent too much time reading comments this afternoon (and felt bad) and I told him my personal number was one digit off from his. So he says, "Yeah I figured everyone had misdialed for the last few years or this might have been your old number." He knew right away when he saw my name...
So, I never told him I had given every company on Earth his number (not knowing it was him) but I did tell him i gave the wrong number at Guitar Center a few times. Dont ask me why I came clean for one place but not the rest of them. He laughed it off.
So, I've learned not to give any more fake numbers and I did bring the guy a gift card to Longhorn Steakhouse as 'thanks and take your wife out to dinner" when in reality I felt bad because I didn't think through my actions and many of you called me out. |
>He says "I will. Actually they ask for you sometimes. Weird, oh well."
He knows its you and he's plotting his revenge.
|
[Original post.](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/10xqn4a/tifu_telling_my_dad_i_20m_have_never_had_sex)
The inevitable happened. The sex worker my dad hired to terminate my virginity in the dead of night did not keep her mouth shut. I know. I should've seen it coming. When I shared my original post, I was convinced my dad didn't know I was gay. I never said anything to anyone about my sexuality other than to the sex worker who teamed up with my father to unexpectedly put me in a vulnerable position. My dad and I have been avoiding each other since that night. Not gonna lie, I was okay with that. We needed space. The words divorced dad, virgin son and sex worker should never be said in the same sentence.
This morning my dad showed up at my apartment. Unusual but not surprising. He was courteous enough to call beforehand. Asked if I was available. Said he wanted to talk. I assumed he was still feeling bad about ambushing me with a sex worker and wanted to make sure that our relationship was intact. Little did I know that my dad's primary objective was to establish if his 20 year old son was sexually attracted to other people's 20 year old sons. As soon as my dad made himself at home in my living room, he asked if we were alone. I said my roommate was at the gym. My dad's response was to drop the following line: "sharing an apartment with a guy who works out must be motivating." Slow clap. Subtle as fuck, my father. He didn't even need to wink at the camera.
My dad asked if my roommate had a gf. I implied that he had girls that come and go. My dad said my roommate must be handsome to get so much attention. I shrugged and said "or he's paying for it." It was a joke. An uncomfortable joke based on my dad's disturbed expression. My dad said he could explain the sex workers and answer all my questions if was prepared to listen. I said it was none of my business and he didn't owe me an explanation, but I did suggest that he at least considered therapy. My dad said he was proud of the person I've become and promised to think about my suggestion. As wholesome as that moment was, the gay elephant was still in the room, so I awkwardly asked my dad if he recently communicated with the sex worker he hired to sleep with me.
My dad said no because he wanted to respect my privacy and avoid crossing the line again. Based on all the random references to my roommate's attractiveness, I was convinced my dad heard I was gay from one of the other sex workers, who heard it from the sex worker with the motormouth. We danced around the topic of my sexuality for a little longer because it was still a big moment despite all the weird shit that happened the last time my dad and I were under the same roof. I eventually came out and said it. "Dad, I'm gay." My dad stood up and showed me he was wearing socks with rainbow stripes to celebrate the news. I didn't even notice his socks until he lifed the leg opening of his pants. He said it was a gift from the sex workers. He had another pair of rainbow socks in his pocket, which he gave to me when we were done hugging.
I suppose the outcome could've been worse. I doubt there will be another update, so thank you for riding this wave with me.
TL:DR An update post, not really a fuck up. I informed a sex worker with a motormouth that I was gay and expected her to keep that information private. She spread the news amongst her fellow sex workers who eventually shared it with one of their loyal clients, which happened to be my dad. | So he didn't hire a gay sex worker for you? |
Well brethren, I too wanted to partake in the great Coconutting frenzy. Today was my day off and was also my wifes longest day of work. It should be mentioned shes on her period, and sex is out of the picture for her. I havent busted a nut in roughly 4 days, and the idea of penetrating a milky coconut somehow thrilled me after reading the whole coconut-fucking-bonanza today.
I went to the store, got a coconut and a bottle of wine to set the mood. After getting home, I uncorked the wine to get my buzz on and proceeded to open the coconut via hammer and nail. Once the hole was set into place, I expanded it apropriately to fit my member by using some of the untensils int he kitchen. Once I got a good fit after doing a "test run" I found the hairs to be a little too much. I shaved her in the bathroom using my wahl clippers. The preparations were made, the mood was set, and I opened up a pack of condoms and went to work on my new bitch.
Fast foward a few hours later, and my wife comes home. All is well, we ate dinner and talked, usual bullshit. I knew I fucked up when she confronted me with the condom wrappers I had used. Aparently she found them in the trash can and freaked the fuck out asking who was over.. I told her I cheated on her with a coconut. .. It took a lot of convincing and showing of reddit threads to prove I didn't have anyone else over and I simply needed a good couple of fap sessions alone. She was furious and I tried to console her by saying I'd never cheat on her with anyone..Just was having a hard time due to her time of the month and it seemed like a good idea. I'm not allowed to buy cocounuts anymore :/
TL;DR : Fucked my coconut with a condom, wife found them thought I was cheating on her, had to fess up.
| So penetrating a coconut is okay, but penetrating a coconut *raw* was not? |
This was a few months ago, and I still lose it whenever tell the story.
It was a simple case, nothing special. With one of the surgeons who likes to converse with the guys. As I'm not one of the guys, I simply sit back and chart while half listening out for anything they may need me to get. Which I don't mind at all because I'm insanely quiet by nature.
Often with cases that last longer than an hour, we insert catheters to make sure the patient is producing urine still, and that they hadn't nicked the urinary system. The collection bag is hung at the foot of the table for easy access, to assess the output.
So, I'm charting halfway into the case and all of the sudden out of the corner of my eye I see the surgeon turn toward me and he says "You're a skier!?" I was totally caught off guard cause he never converses with women, at least who aren't doctors.
I momentarily stared at him, trying to figure out how he knew I was a skier and why he would ask me that. I then proceeded to talk about how why yes I love to ski and I've been here and there. Used to snowboard but switched back to skiing. And so on. Then I pause and realize everyone in the room was just staring at me.
The surgeon then with his super heavy South American accent then sternly repeats himself and says "Urine's clear??"
I just about lost it. I said something like "oh!" Then ran to the bag to check and said yeah it's clear.
I had to leave the room because I couldn't contain myself. I was crying. When I finally put on my straight face and reenterd, the surgeon goes "So what else do you do?" They had a good laugh.
It was super embarrassing and hysterical and it actually made him acknowledge me from then on.
TL;DR
During surgery, thought the surgeon asked me about my skiing hobby, when he really asked if the urine was clear.
Edit: I'm happily surprised so many of you appreciated my less than perfectly written story time! And I love the stories you've shared as well. Just to clarify, I was crying from laughter not sad crying. It's something I probably learned from my dad. I really think he should post his stories on here. Also, the surgeon is from a South American country...his accent is so thick that if I'm walking by, I have to try really hard to figure out if he's speaking Spanish or English. That plus masks on top...things can get funny. Especially since he's such a serious character normally. Also thank you so much for the awards ❤
Also, started my first day yesterday orienting in a new unit. I'm sure I'll have more embarrassment to share! | How long did you go on about the skiing? I have second hand embarrassment, but good laugh ;} |
So this actually happened a few weeks ago. I just moved to the suburbs of New Jersey from Philadelphia a few months ago. I was at a friends house for a zoom baby shower and I ended up staying all day and playing video games and eating dinner. My boyfriend met me there later on to hang out and parked next to me in the driveway. They live on the entrance to a cul-de-sac.
We were getting ready to leave around 12:30 AM and my phone had died so I figured I would back out behind him and follow him home since I am new to the area. I pulled out extra wide to give him space and I did not see a dark blue car parked behind their driveway (it was pretty hazy/foggy that night) and I scratched the side of the car with my tail light. Minimal body damage was done to the door, a few scratches, a little bit of paint from my car. I got out of my car, immediately wrote a note with my information on it, and decided to go home so I could charge my phone and call my insurance.
I got home and immediately called my insurance and they requested I upload a copy of the police report. Ok, ill call the police, let them know what happened, shouldn't be a big deal, this happens all the time right? wrong. The cop told me he was going to charge me with a hit and run. He accused me of being drunk (I was not at all). I offered to meet him at the station, at the scene of the accident, at my house. He refused to meet me anywhere he told me it was "too late I had already made the wrong choice and he was forced to charge me" I started to drive back to the "scene of the accident" and he told me on the phone to pull over and immediately send him all of my information in an email. I complied with everything he told me to do. He told me he was going to the residence of the people who's car I hit to notify them and that they were "probably going to want to press charges against me".
I told him to call me back after he got done there. He never did. The next day I was able to get in touch with the neighbor who was awesome. She was super understanding and if anything was just mad the cop showed up at her house at 1 AM. She told me he said "we are forced to charge her since she left the scene" and the neighbor replied "she left a note, anyone would have done that, its 1 AM, this is not necessary" and at that point he urged them to press charges on me because I "could have been drunk and am old enough to know better".
A week goes by and I hear nothing from the officer. The car is in the shop getting fixed and my insurance is paying for it. The neighbors have no intent of pressing any charges against me. I send the neighbors a basket filled with milkbar cookies for causing them any trouble. Yesterday I get a ticket in the mail for "leaving the scene of an accident" with a mandatory court appearance and I just hired a very expensive lawyer. I work in sales and have a company car I have to drive for work. My lawyer wanted to know how the police even got involved, to which I replied "I called them". I called the cops on myself. Now I have to pay a lot of money to get it fixed. I could lose my job over a bad driving record. so yeah, TIFU.
TL;DR - accidentally scratched a car, thought i did the right thing, might lose my license for 6 months
& | Hopefully that judge heat tells the cop to GTFO of his court. |
So like the title said I fucked up (it was after midnight so technicly today) by having my period and getting drunk.
If your one of those guys who nearly faints when someone mentions the word period, this post aint for you, It will fuck up your life.
My son’s birthday was yesterday, so I’ve been running around all day catering everybody and making sure the kids don’t break anything/eachother. Somewhere around noon I noticed my period got heavy and I put in a tampon, and went back to my guests.
Around 7 o’clock everyone left except my husband’s best friend, I put the kids to bed and started to relax. I’ve had a wine or 2 during the day, and now with my kids in bed I treated myself to a glass of wine, and during the evening my husband and I got pretty wasted (which for my was kinda easy cos I hadnt had a drink in like 2 weeks).
Around 11 my husband went to bed because he got tired and pretty bored with me and his friend because we where talking about games, watching trailers, that kind of stuff. And since I’ve got no gamer friends I had a good time, getting drunker by the minute. Around 00.30 husbands friend decides to go home.
This is where my FU begins.
I was pretty drunk, and drunk me tought sexytime with husband was a good idea (cos let’s face it, drunk sexytime is the best sexytime). But then I realised I still had my tampon in, so I had to get it out (also because it’s dangerous to have it in for as long as I unknowingly had, but most because of my desired sexytime).
I went to the toilet, ready to pull it out, when I realised I couldnt “find” it, or the string. After some fumbling around I could feel al little bit of the string, alllllll the way tucked in. I spend about 15 minutes grabbing the string, trying to pull it out, only to feel like it was stuck, and I couldnt get a good grip at it.
I was getting annoyed at this point, fingering myself on the toilet in search of The Lost Tampon wasn’t the kind of sexytime I had in mind.
I decided to call the HAP (I live in Holland, here we dont go to the ER for everything, we go to out “homedoctor” for small things like a cold, bump on the head, vaccinations, deep cut and so on. But outside working hours there is the HAP which is like the on duty doctor/ nurse for like 50 doctors in the area).
Trying to sound kinda sober I explained the nurse my problem, she was kind but firm, If I didnt get the fucker out in an hour, I had to come by and they would extract it. If I would wait till morning I would have it in for 20 hours and that is dangerous. That would mean I would have to wake-up my husband not for sexytime but for I fucked up time, and we would have to get the kids out of bed.
I wasnt gonna let that happen (primerely because Im the hilarious one in our relationship, and I wasn’t ready to hear “yo pussy so big, tampons get lost” jokes for the rest of my life).
So before this moment I was a woman on a mission, now I was Frodo trying to get this tampon out of Sauromons grip.
Nurse mentioned trying to squad or take a relaxing shower.
So here I was squatting in the shower with my hand in the depths of Erebor. Still not getting good enough grip. So I take the showerhead put the waterstream on 10 and try to flush this white torpedo out. Guess what, didnt work... this goes on like 15 minutes, time is getting scarce.
Decide to lean agains the wall squatting, and I finally have the string between the tips of my thumb and indexfinger. I AM NOT LETTING GO NOW! While I pull gentely I push like I’m in labour, and what do you think, I finally pulled the fucker out!
I felt extatic, leaned against the wall again in relieve, feeling proud about my victory.. sexytime here I come!
Before I leave to shower I decide to take a closer look at the fucker, wondering why It took longer for me to give birth to this annoying bugger than with my youngest son.
I look at it, lying in the corner.. and my mind goes blank for a minute... then I scream.. I would’t have flipped out more if it was the wormy thing from Alien..
...Then the realisation kicked in..
I.PULLED.OUT.MY.FUCKING.IUD... insert drunken hyperventilation.. OMG I pulled out my IUD.. It was just lying there in the corner like some aborted metal fishook al bloody and gross..
If you think my FU ends here.. think again.. Keep in mind it’s around 2/3 o’clock now.
In my panic I decide to call my mom (waking-up husband isn’t nessesary annymore couse sexytime is off the table!). My father answers the phone all sleepy, and I ask for my mom. “Well sweatie, we were sleeping, whatever it is, I can help you, no need to wake your mother.” Okay...
IWantedToHaveSexytimeWithHusbandButImHavingMyPeriodITouhgtICouldntGetMyTamponOutButNowIPulledOutMyIUD... HELPPPPP!!!! “......” Daddy? “......” “M. WAKE UP YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS YOU!”
So now I explained to my mother what happend and she managed to calm me down, and said I needed to call the HAP again.
So I did, got the same nurse, explained what happend. She consulted with her collegue, and asked me some additional questions to find out if Im oké..
“Ma’am, are you shivvering?” Yes I am. “Can you decribe how bad?” Well I was in the shower, and now I’m standing in my bathroom all naked and wet for like 15 minutes now, so I’m getting kinda cold.
“Okay, thats a good explanation, are you dizzy ma’am?” Yes I am dizzy. “Can you decribe how dizzy?” Well I drank like a bottle of wine, thats how dizzy I am.(Muffled laughter on the other end of the phone) “Well I guess thats okay also than. Are you bleeding down there?” Yes I am. “Okay sweety how bad is it?” Well I’m heaving my period, that is how bad it is.. “Oh yeah, I forgot, so that is normal also than.”
She suggested to go to bed, and if I felt worse I could stop by, the fact that I pulled out my IUD wasn’t so different than when I would get it removed by a nurse, altough she tought that that “would have happend more gently” (no shit Sherlock).
There is still the mistery of The Lost Tampon.. I think drunk me pulled it out earlier at night, but I have no clue.
So for not letting go drunken sexytime, I’m now not gonna have sexytime for a few weeks till I get a new IUD. And because I didn’t want to hear “Yo pussy so big” jokes, now I’m gonna hear “Remember when you got so drunk and horny you pulled out your IUD” jokes forever. Not to mention my parents now know I like drunken sexytime.. So yeah I fucked up today..
TL;DR
Today I fucked up being on my period, getting drunk, and wanting sexytime. Mistake my IUD for my tampon, ripped it out after a 2 hour struggle, and woke up my parents to tell them I fucked up because I wanted to have dunken sexytime with husband. I did not get sexytime, nor will I get it for a few weeks.
Edit: Wow this really blew up after I went to sleep! Glad to see my drunken efforts brought so much laughter! And its kinda nice to see al the shocked reactions, makes me feel a little less dumb for calling for my mommy in the middle of the night!
Some aditional info as requested:
- A IUD is a form of birtcontrol, its like a 2cm big T shaped metal thingy which is placed in your uterus, on the bottom of the T is a little string that sticks out your uterus alllll the way up your vagina, so that they can remove it.
- No thank God it didnt hurt (dont know if that was the wine of the fact that I gave birth to to kids)
- Yes my funzone is (apart from some trust issues) okay!
- Yes I’m fullt aware now that I didnt have to tell my parents I wanted sexytime, but drunken and horrified me couldnt care less at that moment.
- I’m 32 year old grown up mother of 2, and yes I called for my mommy
- I could have asked husband to remove The Lost Tampon, but I figured after that sexytime wouldnt be an option for him, and since that was the goal I didnt ask him. (Thank God, cause this would have scarred him for life!)
- As for The Lost Tampon.. I have no idea, I must have drunkenly removed it earlier.. else it still dwells in the depths of Erebor
Thanks for al the support, shocked reactions, compliments, laughter, silver, gold AND platinum! This made my FU a little less embarrasing! | Stupid question: what happened to the actual tampon?? |
This actually happened yesterday but it’s hilarious and I don’t really want to share with this with people I know IRL:
My BF was away for a week to see his family (in our COVID19 safety bubble) for the holidays. We were laying in bed catching up and one thing led to another and I started going down on him.
We were just starting out so he still had a shirt on. His shirt was Vault Boy from the video game FallOut giving a big thumbs up. Now, I have never played FallOut before but I know about it since it’s pretty popular. Unfortunately, I know enough about it that as I am giving him that sexy eye contact during the bj, I kind of notice the Vault Boy and the thumbs up.
I guess i wanted to fit in with the Vault Boy cause my horny brain decided to give my BF a huge thumbs up while I’m deep throating his pole. When he looked at me all confused I decided to very confidently say:
**I am the Vault Boy. I live underground**
Bless him he tried to keep a straight face cause I literally said that and started blowing him again. When I realized what I just said I laughed until I cried. I was still eatin dick tho and laughing crying and choking all at once.
Needless to say we had to take a sexy time break and now he won’t stop telling me I’m his vault boy.
TL;DR; got cock blocked by the vault boy from FallOut | At least you didn’t make a joke about choking on his Dogmeat.
Yeaaa I’m going to hell for this one. 😬
ETA: Holy crap!! I didn’t expect this to blow up! I guess if I’m going to hell, I’m taking 13,000 of you with me. Muhahahaha!
But in all seriousness, thank you so much for my first awards and a megaton of upvotes! |
Throwaway account because this is really embarrassing. This actually happened today, about 30 minutes ago.
So I went on a tinder date with this girl last night, it was great, she's really pretty and we had a great time. We came back to her place as it was close by and ended up doing the deed multiple times and ended up in bed. Now I haven't had much action in a while and it really tired me out, so I slept like a rock.
Fast forward to about half an hour ago and I wake up butt naked, alone in her bed, but I can hear her downstairs in the kitchen. So I'm tossing and turning for a bit when all of a sudden this gorgeous grey floofy kitty comes and hops on the bed and starts purring like mad, I happily oblige and pet the shit out of it. I love cats. I didn't have the covers on me as it was hot and this cat felt so soft, flopping itself against my skin.
So the cat starts getting playful, hopping over my body from one side to the next, and I'm rolling side to side tickling its belly inbetween, but when I roll ove next, my schlong flips over with me, sailing through the air in a perfect arch, just before it slapped my belly the cat pounced straight onto it and dug two paws in, one on the shaft and one on the head (much like last night). I fucking screamed in agony, sat up and started trying to pull its claws out my sausage. The one on my head came off straight away but there was a claw still hanging on for dear life about halfway down which was fully lodged. The cat started to panic because it was stuck. I heard my date running upstairs and as she came in I was sat up with her cat buried in my crotch holding onto its leg trying to free it. I whimpered 'cock stuck, help' and she burst out laughing but reached over and unhooked the last claw out my shaft, leaving me naked and embarrassed.
I waddled over to the bathroom with blood trickling down onto my ballsack and sat on the toilet dabbing the little holes with tissue. I'm still sat here now, with tissue pressed against my member as it write this. Going to have a shower I think.
tl;dr Played with my tinder dates cat the morning after and they thought my cock was a toy, claws got stuck in multiple places now I have a sore penis.
Edit: OK I've been reading a lot of comments and apparantly I should see a doctor?? How the fuck do I explain this scenario?? | We'll get a follow up in a couple weeks "TIFU by not listening to TIFU to go to the doctors... now everyone calls me Reek"
Edit: shit this blew up. Thanks for the silver and awards |
TIFU By letting the cat get my wife pregnant
Technically this happened about three weeks ago since the test just came back positive...
Some background:
Last year my wife and I had our first child. It was a less than ideal pregnancy that had her dealing with weeks of bed rest dude to preeclampsia with severe features. It wrecked total havoc on not only her physical health but her mental heath as well. fortunately everything was all right in the end and she gave birth to our healthy 4lb 2oz boy just shy of two months early (who’s doing fantastic now).
Due to the difficulty of this first pregnancy and concerns over COVID, we decided it was best to put off kid number two for at least a couple of years. She started birth control shortly after giving birth to be sure we had no surprises, but the pill tends to make her very sick and she wanted to lose weight, so she stopped taking it. We thought rubbers would be enough, but that’s where our cat comes in...
Our cat is an evil genius. I seriously think the greasy orange little shit is still smarter than our nearly one year old. He gets into everything, and I do mean everything. No door, drawer, or cabinet can stop him, and if he knows where something he wants is he WILL find it. It’s so bad that for weeks after adopting him I thought there was poltergeist in the house because each morning I’d wake up to find every single cabinet door in the kitchen wide open!
So how did I fuck up and let him impregnate my wife?
Well, my first fuck up was storing the condoms in the same drawer as the Q-tips, which he loves to get into and shred apart. He must have seen the box of Q-tips in the drawer when I put my rubbers away, because not even an hour later I stumbled upon a horrific scene of chewed plastic straws, shredded cotton fluff and shiny gold condom wrappers scattered around the gapping drawer that once contained them... I didn’t think anything of it at the time and just cleaned up the destroyed Q-tips and put the condoms that had spilled everywhere back into their box without a concern in the world.
We ended up having some sexy time later that night, and I vividly remember stumbling into the dark bathroom, opening said drawer, and blindly fumbling around in the box to pull out a condom (as was the routine) thinking nothing of what happened earlier.
That is until fast forward a few weeks to just the other day, when my wife was complaining of nausea and tender breast. We immediately shoot each a concerned glance as this ain’t our first rodeo, and she felt the same way before discovering her first pregnancy. She still had a half empty box of tests from the year before and decided to take one just to be sure. Followed by another one... and another one... all positive.
We start wracking our brains wondering what happened when suddenly it hits me... that damned cat. I ran over to bathroom drawer where I kept the condoms, dumped out the box on the counter and started to inspect each miserable little foil square. Sure enough, several had noticeable scratches, teeth marks, and even full blown punctures in them... which leads me to fuck up number two, not checking to see if the cat chewed on any of my rubbers weeks before when he had gotten into that drawer...
Can't wait to explain to my new son or daughter one day that they owe their existence
to the family cat!
TL:DR
I didn’t check to see if my cat had chewed on any of my condoms when he got into the drawer I kept them in. Three weeks later and despite our plans to the contrary my wife is pregnant, presumably thanks to my asshole cat who gets into everything.
EDIT:
I’ve been informed of something called the cat tax. Below you’ll find a picture of the offending cat in all his greasy, orange glory. I think the picture sums up his personality well.
https://imgur.com/eFHNFqo | This fucking title man. I almost didn't wanna read it but I still got curious. |
This sounds fun, but I promise you it's not and it's ruined carrots for me forever. Also, obligatory not today but two years ago.
Let's flashback to two years ago, I picked up my VERY drunk (now ex) boyfriend from the pub. We were pretty early on in the relo so I thought this would be a great opportunity to get the boyf to open up and spill his secrets.
I asked him, 'Hey, tell me a secret.' and what he said next will forever haunt me to my core. He turned to me, looked me dead in the eye, and said 'I like to stick things up my ass. I like to stick *carrots* up my ass.'
Now don't get me wrong, I am a big fan of carrots as a vegetable. Before 'the incident' I would eat them everyday as a quick snack, and use them for all my cooking. I would say I would rate them as God Tier.
And I'm definitely not one to kink shame, if anything - I froth a good kink, but something about the carrots made me sad. Possibly, the fact that I put carrots high up on the vegetable hierarchy and this seemed like blasphemy. The carrot gods are crying. I also suggested getting a legitimate sex toy for him, but each time I asked I was shut down with scoff.
Despite the carrot-shame it brought me, I decided to support him on his carrot endeavor.
He was beyond happy with the carrot-support, and told me he's waited years to finally tell someone. So flash forward through the next 12 months of my life which consisted of only getting him off by sticking a carrot up his crack, him spending copious amounts from our joint account on bags of carrots, and me coming home from a long days at work to see two soggy carrots in the shower with a sad bottle of lube.
It's been a year since carrot-gate, and I still can't look at one without shedding a tear. Ultimately, I think it was the carrots that ended the relationship. I was never orange enough.
​
TL;DR: I asked my boyfriend to tell my a secret and he confessed he loves sticking carrots up his clacker. That year of my life is now only referred to as 'carrot-gate.'
​
EDIT: spelling & holy moly thank you for the awards and the comments - I got a good giggle out of them. And trust me, I know the joint account was ridiculous - we were young and thought getting a joint account would mean we would be together forever LOL. Little did I know... | He would leave shame carrots in the shower?!?? WTF was he cumming back for them later? |
So here it goes.
Me, F 19 UK. Started growing wisdom teeth and since I couldn't handle the pain anymore I asked the nhs to give me an appointment with a dentist since all in my area are booked.
And the appointment I got was 20 miles away from where I lived. In a different town.
So, genius me comes up with the idea to walk the 20 miles since Google said its only 6 hours and 20 minutes. First bad idea. Should've just taken the train.
So the day of the appointment (a couple of weeks ago), I wake up at 1am and prepare some food and drink for the walk. I head out at 2am and my appointment is at 10:10.
I told myself that 8 hours is more than enough (since I'm reletively fit. So it's pitch black and I head outside without my glasses. Second bad idea since I can't see anything without them, but I'm too lazy to go up and get em.
As I start its reletively OK, I'm walking through my town. It's quiet and dark. As I head outside the city area, it's just fields upon fields of crops. Beautiful night lights of the city and I took some pictures. Now as I walk further out, . On the third mistake, google in all its wisdom, tells me to walk alongside the highway....
So I'm walking 5/6 miles in 4/5am and the road is empty and I'm listening to contrapoints videos that I downloaded earlier. Good Times.
And as I approach my 10th mile 6am, I can feel the pain in my foot getting worse and walking on the grass on the side of the road is very much harder than walking on the road. And since cars started using the road I had to move to the grass. OOF!
So now I have a very sore foot and all the water I drank earlier is starting to signal its release.....try and hold it in but I fixed the problem later in my own way that I'm not gonna say on reddit.
Now on the 13th mile around 7am ish. Pain is spreading to the hips and I need some more snacks. And thankfully there's a beautiful village ahead and a corner shop/grocery shop that I spot from afar. I take some pics of the village and I go into the shop and I buy chocolates (good) and soda (4th mistake). So on my next break (I had been taking regular 5min breaks) I decided to have some soda, on an empty stomach ........oh, the pain in my tummy!!!! Despite that, I get up and walk since in this remote part of the country, I can't just call an uber and give up....I can only do that in the final town.
Around 15/16th mile and 8am ish, shit gets real! My whole body is aching and I'm starting to approach the outskirts of the other town and finally there are some proper side walks to walk on. But guess what, google fucks me again (5th fuck up) and this town has some of the longest and steepest hills ever. Like 2 miles long and all incline. My foot is giving up and I'm just pushing myself to get in town so I can call an uber.
So, it's the last two miles and its already 9:30 am. So I know I'm not gonna get my appointment. Sidenote: my phone is at 15%, down all the way from 100 at start. I'm just inching ahead at this point, and this is the 2mile incline hill. Life just fucks me harder and I need to pee again! (I blame the soda!)
So now I'm getting into the main town and walking like a zombie....
So now I make a smart move and decide to go to the big morrisons (similar to walmart) at the end of this long and shitty Road. I only have to go straight, so no need for shitty google and I turn my phone off as well. (Another smart move)
Now (around 10am) as I inch closer to my prize, (the toilet) I can stand anymore cause of the pain. But thank god I find some benches along the road to rest and massage my legs.
Finally around 11am after 20 miles of walking, I see the morrisons logo!
YES!
The final few steps through the parking lot were the hardest! And I storm in and find the closest bathroom nearby. Sweet relief!
After that, I finally noticed that I'm getting very hungry! So I buy all the cake I want. (And a spoon). I start to devour the cake as I realise, One: this cake tastes amaizing! And 2: I didn't call an uber yet! (Very close major fuck up)
So I open my phone and 5%left......I quickly enter my home address into the app and get confirmation that the driver arrives in 8 min. But phone turns off as I almost read the name of the car and driver. I only managed to see the grey colour of the car....and now begins the most stressful 8 mins of my life as I wait in front of morrisons for a grey car with an uber logo......my phone is dead and if I miss this uber I'm very fucked! In a new town, can't walk at all and with no access to my phone for help, I'm done for!
Finally the car arrives! (it stopped in front of me) and I get in and relax. And on the way back, we travel the same route that I took and I get a second reminder of every single one of my fuckups. But hey, I atleast can brag that I once walked 20 miles at once!
When I got home, I took off everything and showered first. And enjoyed the rest of the cake ( this is a cake for 16 people!) and went to sleep. I couldn't walk properly for a few days and I had a mild fever. And the pain in the joints and muscles lasted for about a week. And the tooth pain went away anyways.....
Thanks for reading this despite my horrible storytelling.
TLDR: I overestimated my walking capability, got cocky (pun intended) and tried to walk 20 miles in 6 hours.....got fucked by google maps directions.... ended up spending ~9 hours and almost got stuck in a different town with no phone and no ability to move.
Walking 20 miles at once is a 0/10, wouldn't recommend.
Edit: this is what rip inbox feels like....I'm sorry but I don't think I can answer everyone's comments...
Edit 2: for the people asking why I didn't take my glasses, I should've clarified that I can still function fine without them. But its just nice to have them. And also I didn't want to wake up my roommate by constantly going in and out.
Edit 3: American English helps everyone understand what I'm talking about. And also I lived in America for a while so some of the words are still stuck in my head. And for anyone with doubt of my britishness u can go sod off. | It’s very nice of you to try to help others learn from your failings. That being said I can confidently say no one ever in the history of humanity will ever think it’s a good idea to walk 20 miles to a dentist appointment, outside of necessity. |
Didn't happen today, on mobile, throwaway account etc.
My job requires me to travel a lot between the USA and Canada - I have a 50/50 client split between the two places, so although I am based in Los Angeles, I fly into Toronto every few weeks.
All of my family and friends are also in LA, and I'm from a very conservative background, so when I realized at about age 12 that the thought of both girls and boys made me want to fiddle with my diddle, I kept the latter quiet to avoid being disowned by my father or giving my mom a heart attack. I've had plenty of girlfriends before and they're happy, I'm happy and there's no need to change that. Anyway.
I headed out to Toronto last Friday morning for a few meetings. Every now and then, I'll have meetings Friday and Monday, so I'll stay the weekend and have a little bit of a holiday in a nice hotel somewhere.
At about 4pm on Friday, I had finished my work, checked into my hotel and was feeling a bit horny. Anyone in the bi community will know it's easier to pickup guys then girls, so I downloaded Grindr, created an account, uploaded a few pictures (without my face - half because I'm ugly and half because I don't want to be recognized) and did some browsing. Some 20ish minutes in - I got a message. This guy was about my age, didn't have a picture, but gave me a description of himself and he sounded like a good way to spend my Friday night.
We start to make a plan for 7pm and he mentions he's married and asks if I'd be interested in his husband coming along and having a little threesome action. Now a threesome wasn't on my to-do list, but I'll give anything a go once so I said what the hell.
Anyways, it comes around to 6:30pm and I get a call. I have two SIM cards in my phone (one from Canada and one from the USA). It's my cousin who lives in Canada. I only speak to this guy probably 2-3 times a year, so it's a little weird, but not any cause for concern or anything and I was a bit busy at the time with some prep, so I let it go to VM. 60 seconds later, a txt. From my cousin:
​
*"Hi it's xxxxx from Grindr. We're 2 minutes away, OK if we're a bit early?"*
​
It took me about 30 seconds, but it clicks. Canada. Gay Married Cousin. The Description Matches. Holy fucking shit, I just organised a threesome with my cousin.
I sat there in the bathroom, trying not to have a panic attack for a few minutes until my phone rings again. Now obviously I'm not going to answer it, and I'm just praising god that I gave him my Canadian number over Grindr that he didn't have, and that I had him saved in my phone. The room phone begins to ring as well. Holy shit.
I swear to god, I have never put on clothes so fast and bolted down 30 floors of stairs so fast. At the bottom of the staircase, I was straight through that fire door and hid in the nearest McDonalds for the next 4 hours. 14 missed calls (10 from my cousin, 4 from hotel reception) and I took the SIM card out of my phone and snapped it in half. Found a new hotel room that night just in case. Have to come up with an excuse for work and my clients as to why I need a new Canadian number, but I think it was better than the other option...
​
**TL;DR Went to Canada for work, wanted a quick hookup, didn't do my due diligence and almost ended up having a threesome with my gay cousin and his husband, ran away and hid in a McDonalds for 4 hours** | Gay men in Toronto - **tens of thousands.**
Married gay men in TO with cousins in LA - **dozens?**
Married gay men in Toronto with cousins in LA who tried to set up a spicy 3 way last weekend and called the stranger 10 times after being stood up - **my money says 1.**
Your cousin finding this thread and making sneaky candid comments at the next family gathering - **priceless.**
Edit: Obligitory thanks for making my top comment about avoiding an incestual orgy. Can't wait to call my mom and share the news. |
So little backstory, to my knowledge I'm just about a 8th Native American. My parents didn't raise me spiritual or anything but I knew they did have a little shrine they liked to keep some things and whatever it was just part of the house I had friends ask me about and it was nothing crazy. They are also really fond of leathers and animal skins which... Cringe but anyway. When I got old enough I asked my parents what tribe we were and I was told the Yuan-Ti. Now I didnt know anything of it but I did tell my friends in elementary school and whatever and bragged I was close to nature (as you do). So recently I applied to colleges and since you only have to be 1/16 native I thought I had this in the bag. Confirmed with my parents and sent in my applications as 1/8th Yuan-ti tribe. I found out all these years that is a fictional race of snake people from Dungeons and Dragons. TLDR: since I was a kid my parents told me I was native Yuan-ti but actually they were just nerds and I told everyone I know that I was a fictional snake person. | As soon as I read Yuan-Ti I busted up laughing. |
Tonight’s booty call went horribly wrong.
Horribly.
Horribly.
Wrong.
After almost a year of separation, my divorce was finalized this week. And what a better way to celebrate, than with a good old fashioned booty call.
I had recently reconnected with a man I had previously had some playtime with. The last time we were together, I had what was probably the best sex of my life. So to say I was excited to be talking with him again was an understatement.
After some basic chat, we made plans to meet up tonight. This next tidbit may seem like TMI, but it’s important to the story. My IUD does not play nice and more often than not I’m bleeding to some extent. Tonight included. But he was fine with that, so we kept our plans.
He comes over, and things instantly get heated. More MIND BLOWING sex commences. Hot, steamy, sheet soaking sex. We take some time to recharge and go for round 2. Not as hot and steamy, but still damn good. I lay down next to him, but under the covers. He gets up and starts getting dressed. We have some small talk, and then he walks over to my side of the bed and looks at the floor.
“What is THAT?” He says.
“What?” I look over the edge of the bed. There are two dark spots on the floor. “Eh. I’ll clean it up”
“You know what this is, right?” He asks.
“I’m pretty sure it’s...”
“It’s not blood” he interrupts. “That’s not red.”
“What??”
Again, he says “That’s not blood. That’s BROWN. You know what that is.”
“No.” I stammer. “That can’t be. I would have known if that happened.”
He just starts laughing, DOUBLE CHECKS HIS SOCKS, and heads down my stairs, and out the door.
Y’all. I came so hard, I pooped. Somehow, during round 1, my body was contracting so intensely, I actually dropped two small turds. And since my ass was off the edge of the bed, they landed on my bedroom floor without either of us noticing. In my defense, I had just finished a round of augmentin a few days prior, and my stomach is still readjusting.
Pretty sure he’s already deleted my contact info. He’s given me the best sex of my life, and it’s most likely never happening again.
TL;DR: I pooped during some of the best sex of my life. He took off as soon as we realized what happened. Bye amazing sex. | Next time you message him just ask him to come fuck the shit out of you again |
This was not actually today, but it was recently enough that I thought I’d share.
My husband, my cat and I are chilling and suddenly my husband farts. Large. Seemingly as a reaction, with perfect timing and a traumatized facial response, my cat gets up and ditches. I start cracking up and immediately text my sister “hahahahaha [husbandname] farted and [catname] left!!!”
Buuuuut it turns out I accidentally texted my husband instead of my sister about himself farting. He opens the text and shows it to me. I am utterly confused for a moment about how he has this text. Then it registers that I texted him making fun of him and I start cracking up even harder. My pregnant self not slightly, but COMPLETELY loses bladder control.
Now, every time I make fun of my husband, he says “are you gonna text me about it?” Or, alternatively, “are you gonna pee about it?”
TL;DR I meant to text my sister making fun of my husband but mistakenly texted my husband making fun of my husband. I followed up by providing further fodder for his comebacks.
Edit: Awards! Wow, thanks, everyone:) | I love these kinds of stories: the kind where being super gross is also super funny.
Two months after my husband and I first met, we went camping. While we were camping he farted. It was loud and wet and we heard someone camped near us laugh. So we started to laugh uncontrollably. Turns out he had diarrhea and laughed so hard he shit his pants which in turn made me laugh so hard I pissed mine. Still one of my favorite memories.
Edit: Thanks for those little symbols above my comment. Don't know what to do with them; only wanted to share a funny and I'm just glad everyone liked it. |
Today was a lounging, do-nothing day. I (22) watched some Netflix in the living room while my brother (24) played games in his room and my older brother (27) had work. The evening came, my brother came home from work and went to talk with my other brother in his room.
My mom called to ask what ingredients we had around the house so she can pick up stuff for dinner. An hour later she called to let me know she'll be home soon and my brothers and I have to dispute who has to help her bring groceries in.
I went to my brothers, "Hey, you two have to pick which one of you have to help mom bring groceries in. She'll be home in 5 minutes." I walked away like I was so clever, not including myself as an option.
"Why doesn't she help?" I hear one say to the other. "I dunno," the other says.
A few minutes pass and the two of them came out of the room and approached me on the couch.
"You grab the arms, I'll grab the legs?"
"Yup."
My older brother grabbed my ankles and the other my arms. I made it a little difficult though, I stiffened (which is probably easier) and I crossed my arms holding my elbows close to my torso so he didnt have anywhere to hold except a poor grip on my shoulders.
Being the weak noodle I am, I couldn't hold my arms in long enough. He grabbed my upper arms and they carried me toward the stairs to the front door. I half expected they wouldn't bring me outside, but I knew they would go all the way even when I had no jacket or shoes.
I didnt want to be carried awkwardly down the stairs so as we got closer, I struggled. I kicked my legs with little effort because I didnt want to hurt anyone, and since that didnt really work I had an idea. Risky. I lifted my arms straight up so my brothers hands would lose grip an drop me.
I dropped slowly since he was still trying to hold me with my arms up (I was wearing a long sleeve bunched at my elbows) but as I hit the floor I realized my shirt had lifted. My sleeves must have been pulled off my arms, lifting the rest.
It was over. My ankles were released.
I put my now freed hands down over my chest and feel my nipple. Yup. The brother by my feet definitely saw. I noticed he was looking away at the moment, but I was sure he saw when it happened.
Thankfully I am small chested, so I'm not as embarrassed as someone else would be.
But it is still awkward to think about.
P.S. Sorry bro....
TLDR: decided not to wear a bra today. my brother saw my nipple.
Edit: I was home for the holidays from college, moving into a new place with my fiance this May. My brothers help support our single mom. Stop assuming people are fuckups 👍🏻
Why do people assume so many negative things lmao
*** probably will delete this post within a few days. It's obvious, with my previous edits, that most of you dont read before commenting. I also dont know how this got so many upvotes but here I am. TIL that r/thatHappened exists #redditnoob. Thanks for front paging my first post, for the awards, and for the rare positive comments. *** | But who brought in groceries??? |
Strap yourselves in ladies and gentlemen. You're in for a ride.
I posted this in a comment thread of r/ask and people on there requested I put it on "somewhere this story will get the recognition it deserves" and I was directed to here.
Ok a little back story I got a rescue puppy back in January and she was terrified of everything and everyone. There was a pet store down the street I used to carry her to to try and expose her to the outside world and other people.
The girl who worked at the pet store instantly bonded with my puppy, wow. My dog wouldn't let anyone else go near her without her crying or peeing or being terrified. So naturally we became regulars, and the more and more I interacted with this girl and the more I saw her interactions with my dog an other people in the store she seems super sweet and just an all around good person. I asked her for her number, even though I felt uncomfortable doing that to a woman in her place of work but she seemed receptive, so that's good. It's also surprisingly hard to meet some one in my city.
We exchange a few messages and go out for a walk with my dog together. Everything seems great. She's educated. Cute. Loves animals. Everything seems great.
We end up back at my place for a few drinks (4or 5 max) this is kind of an important detail, and we stopped drinking around 10pm. And she ends up staying over. Now here's where it all goes downhill.
I awoke up in the middle of the night and she was yelling at herself about how her dad is an asshole, and some other crazy talk, very scattered subjects, hence why I can't be more specific but that one stuck out to me. Very strange behaviour for 2 am.
I tried to calm her down or try and figure out what the fuck was going on. She didn't even seem to notice she was doing it, "oh I'm sorry did I wake you?" We had a really nice evening, But this girl just turned crazy. There was clearly something wrong she wasn't shouting at me. She wasn't even shouting at her self just in to nothing, in to a void.
I repeatedly tried to stop her, but she couldn't see the issue as if she wasn't even aware she was doing it. Eventually I just gave up and went to sleep on the sofa because I just couldn't deal with it.
She came in and cried.and said she didn't mean to upset me and can we just go back to sleep together.
Sure. That's all I wanted anyway. Can we please just sleep and can you please just stop shouting/ yelling / talking?
When we got to the bedroom she turned around and she had the craziest eyes I've ever seen (and I've dated red heads). And says "don't you ever fucking talk to me like that ever again or I swear to god...." Now at this point I've seen behavior like this before and it's very concerning.
-Nope. Get out. I cut her short on whatever threats she was going to make. Get the fuck out.
Cue crying again "but I'm a girl you can't do this to me"
Yeah I don't care I'm not doing. This it's two am and I'm not having you talk to me like this.
At this point there was a lot of back and forth from crying of "but how am I meant to get home" jumping to "well fuck you I'm leaving".
So she gathers her things and claims to not know how to get out the building. It's a condo building. You walk down the hall to an elevator. If there isn't an elevator. You went the wrong way so go the other way down the hall. Bearing in mind she lives in a condo building 3 blocks away. It's not like she doesn't know how a condo works or what area she in in.
So I offer to walk her to the door, or at least the elevator, I want her out. But I'm not just going to throw her literally out the door with out her things. I just want her out, there's clearly something not right and I don't want to deal with whatever it is or whatever will come of more of this behaviour. So I help her gather her things and open the door for her and start showing her where the elevator is.
Walking down the hall she collapsed! Like dead weight. And no she wasn't faking it. She was out cold, out of the blue. Just folded up right there in the hall.
Now here's where I fucked up.
My thought process was 'hell nah, you're still leaving'. So I drag her unconscious body down the hall and bundle her in the elevator. (Yup. Very aware this was a mistake in hindsight)
Bearing in mind I was not expecting to be leaving, so you can imagine the look on the concierge's face when I rock up out of the elevator in my boxers shorts saying 'aw man i fucked up you gotta help me here'.
He's dialling 911 and sure enough, the elevator disappeared, up to the 4th floor.
We called it back but obviously someone had tried to use the elevator and the door would have opened up to that train wreck. I'm sure the look on their face would have been priceless, anyway it came back and she was still unconscious.
We're talking to the 911 operator answering the base questions, address. What happened etc, and just like a horror movie we turn around and she's awake! Stood there. Crazy eyes and all.
She was awake long enough to yell at the concierge before she passed out again. This time hitting her head on the marble floor of the lobby.
I'll never forget the sound of her head hitting the floor. Or the concierge's "ooooo" wince at the sound of it.
So here's how the 911 call went. He's on speaker phone with me and the concierge there.
911: ok. So I need you to say 'now' every time she takes a breath. And I don't want you to stop until I say so, do you understand?
Me: yep. Got it
911: ok start now
......
911: ok I don't think you understand my instructions,
Me: no dude. I understood.
911: ok so start now and don't stop until I say so. Go.
Me: ok
........
911 again ...
Me : dude. I understand. If she takes a breath I'll say now.
So now of course she's not breathing.
911: ok you need to start cpr and the concierge needs to go get a defibrillator.
So here I am in my boxers doing CPR in the lobby of my building.
A fire truck pulls up after only 2 minutes they have a defibrillator concierge still hasn't come back yet. So they take over and an ambulance follows shortly where they bundle her in to the back and drive off.
Holy shit what just happened.
And of course now the cops turn up...
Did I mention there's cameras in the elevator and just the part of the hallway that shows me dragging an unconscious girl, whom is now not breathing..... Yeahh try explaining that one.
So the cops want to know. Why are you kicking a girl out at 2 am. And why is she not breathing. And what's this on video ....
I told them everything but of course they didn't believe me, so now I'm terrified. What if she's dead. Nothing about this looks good for me. What if she's alive but, clearly she has psychological issues and decides to remember things a different way. Or in her mind I attacked her. Or if the cops turn up and say what did he do? And then that triggers her to say I did something.
Fast forward 3 days and every time the phone rings I'm expecting it to be the cops, I have no idea if this girl is alive or dead. Or if she woke up in hospital and the cops questioning her, what did he do to you? Etc etc. Every day I have this hanging over me. I don't know what to do. I did text to see if she was alive. No reply.
I'm headed to the LCBO for a bottle of wine. And bang. She's right there infront of me!
"Hi ! How's it going so great to see you!"
Erm. Hi. I thought you were dead!!
"Oh I was. But just for a few minutes haha"
Yeah. I know. I was the one doing CPR!
"Oh. I'm sorry. That explains why my chest hurts I guess. Haha. Oh well. So you wanna hang out? We could go back to your place for some drinks again."
she has No recollection! Wants to come hang out.... No absolutely not. She had no idea about any of it.
Needless to say I said no. Glad you're alive. Good luck. Goodbye.
She left me a 2 minute long voice mail a few days later crying and trying to apologize, I don't need that in my dogs life Im afraid.
I have many questions. As do many of my friends as well as people on a comment thread I put this on before. And unfortunately I don't think I will have any of the answers. And I'm not going to contact this person again to try and find answers. I'm aware dragging her down the hall and throwing her in the elevator wasn't the kosher thing to do.
Tldr: had a girl over for a date. She went crazy I had to do cpr and explain to the cops why there's video of me dragging her unconscious body down the hall and dumping it in the elevator.
Edit:. Not responding to any more comments. : Just spent an hour on the phone with said girl in the story.
I will update in a few days with not only her permission but her input. | As someone with psych issues(mad as a parrot but medicated to cheerfulness), I have learned the hard way that I CAN'T DRINK. I go ziplining from the hills of hilarity to the peaks of paranoia, with a quick lookin at the pith of despair on the way. Psychotic episode.
The fucker is I'm Irish. |
TL;DR I asked to be tucked in, got pummeled by a weighted blanket.
My dude is a night owl I am not. I have a strict sleep schedule and sleep with a weighted blanket. Knowing my dude was going to play some Eve, I asked for some smooches and a tuck in. (No I did not replace the f with a t). We do the tuck in thing most nights as he likes to stay up past 11, I try not to so that I can function.
My dude was a little extra zelous swinging one blanket and then another. He was the matador of blankets. Perfect arched blankets to fall so sweetly on my tired body. Until. Until the weighted blanket. 12 pounds of sleepy goodness swang into my face. Crunch beanbaggy smack. I have a slight redmark and a gut ache from laughing but no worse for the wear. I only asked to be tucked in but now I get to giggle about how doofy we are together my dude and I. I hope you all get tucked in once in your life and giggle till your guts hurt with some one you love tonight too. | He tucked you up |
This happened last night.
So I'm a theatre kid at my high school and our first night of our play was last night. The day before, everyone on the cast was given brand new LAV microphones (the wire mics that you tape to your face). Unfortunately, I didn't know this. See, the old mics were only activated by the sound director, meaning it only worked if a switch on the sound board was flipped. The new ones, however, turn on automatically when you pass a certain area on stage. I think you can kind of see where this is going.
So anyways, there was one part where I had to strip my costume (button-down shirt and khakis essentially) and change into a very pg-13 toga costume, then put my original costume back on as quickly as possible. So after I get up on stage, do my cute little toga thang, rush back offstage to return to my original outfit. Once I was offstage, I began changing directly in front of the door I had just exited. This was because I had forgotten that someone else had to get on stage before I returned. So this asswipe rushes past me, and with the force of Thor Almighty, and swings the door wide open, exposing my asscheek to THE ENTIRE CAST AND A GOOD 40% OF THE AUDIENCE. I freaked the fuck out and turned into [Patrick fucking Star](https://youtu.be/Kaqa2N_O-KE) as I ran to shut the door. Here's the FU.
So here I am, half naked, shivering, super embarrassed, I reached out to grab the doorknob. I made eye contact with the guy who had just made me flash all these poor people, and I instinctively gave him a good ol' fashioned American "MOTHERFUCKER!". I swear to fucking god the door stretched as I was reaching for the doorknob, because next thing I know, I was on stage, PANTS STILL DOWN, and heard a sea of gasps flood the auditorium. Turns out the mic boundary was just barely passed where I was standing. So yes, the cast, the crew members above and behind me, as well as the 860+ wonderful audience members heard me loud and clear. On top of that, I didn't just say it, I screamed, so that shit echoed and bounced off the walls like crazy. Here's what it was like from the audiences perspective:
"Say, do you like canned salmon?"
"I'm quite fond of it, yes."
*door opens*
"Oh, there he is! This is my husb-"
*skinny Asian boy with red boxers waddles on stage*
"MOTHERFUCKER^fucker^^fucker^^^fucker!"
*door slams*
"....Well....how do you do Madame?"
Safe to say I'll never be in another production at my school again.
TL;DR- I unintentionally flashed like 200 people, then waddled with my pants at my ankles to close the door, screamed a vulgar word, and became the most infamous theatre student at my school.
In words of the old Western prospectors: GOLD! YEEE-HAWWW!!! Thanks, Stranger!
EDIT- ok I don't know how mics work, sorry!
ANOTHER EDIT- If you know who I am, shhhhh
AND ANOTHER- numbers. | Today I made the play I was in 100% more entertaining
Or
Today I gave the crowd their money's worth. |
A couple months ago, it was date night with my bf and I was PUMPED to finally relax after a rough week. My boyfriend (who asked to be called Magnum here 🙄 🙄so I'll refer to him as M) and I ended up making stuffed crust pizza. With grilled onions, sausage, and a fuck ton of cheese, it looks fucking amazing. So does M, so while waiting for it to bake, we head back to the bedroom to do things.
​
After blowing him, I pulled off to swallow, but I couldn't -- my jaw was locked wide open!
​
Super embarrassed, I ran into the bathroom to get his cum out of my mouth. It was still stuck in the back of my throat, but I couldn't swallow or spit, so I tilted my mouth forward to allow his baby gravy to slowly drip out my mouth into the sink.
​
We try everything—forcing my jaw shut with hands, aggressively wiggling it, massaging, praying to Jesus to forgive me for my premaritial sins, but it's still stuck wide open. Trying to make a little more tolerable, I took ibuprofen with wine, dumbly forgetting I can't swallow. So there I was, choking on his semen, wine, pills, and drool uncontrollably flowing out of my mouth. To make matters worse, M eats the pizza in front of me, it smells delicious, and obviously I can't have any.
​
At \~4am, we give up the home remedies and Uber to the ER. I attempt to explain my situation to the receptionist with my mouth wide open and drool dripping onto my shirt. She's probably like, "why is this guy taking advantage of this poor retarded girl?" I write down that I'm nauseous and worried I'll die from sucking dick and choking on my own vomit, and get seen pretty quickly. We end up with an audience of about \~5 other curious doctors while this guy inspects my jaw.
​
One asks, "How did this happen?"
Me: ...
Another doctor: "Did you yawn?"
Me: ...uh...yeah...
🤦♀️
​
One doctor massages my neck while the other one sticks his hands into my mouth and pushes my back teeth back. It hurts like a bitch—this guy's applying his whole body weight into my teeth and I can feel his arms shaking as he leans into me.
​
But then!! Suddenly everything feels right again. It's all in place!!!
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We go home and the pizza is STILL good the next morning, and everything is okay. Well, besides having to send an ER bill home to my parents and explain that it was from dislocating my jaw :( M looked awfully smug the whole time, but I appreciated him coming w me to the ER and letting me drool all over him
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TLDR: Dislocated my jaw by sucking dick. I had to go to the ER at 4am, watch my bf eat the pizza we made together when I couldn't, and publicly humiliate myself
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edit: wow this hit the front page, can't bleieve this is my claim to fame | I really, really enjoy that in the middle of your choking and suffering, your boyfriend decided to take a pizza break. Stone cold, but relatable.
Edit: Shiny! Thanks stranger! |
Edit: **She may have said 6,000 years**. Replies here seem to support that it was most likely 6 based on the young-earth theory.
Obligatory this happened as a kid.
Some quick back story -- I was raised in an affluent/educated urban area, but all of my Mom's extended family are super country and live on farms. Most of my cousins are home schooled, but I always assumed this was just because the school systems suck there (they do suck). I enjoyed going to see my Grandparents cause I got to play with my cousins (only child) and spend time outside on the farm. We would mostly just drive down there for holidays or during the summer.
On one of my visits to Grandma's, our uncle took me and my little cousin to a big gun show/flea market type thing.
We were looking through this vendor who had a bunch of fossils, shark teeth, stuff like that. I thought it was really cool and pointed out a fossilized shark tooth. Underneath it, the description said something like 'this fossil is over 4 million years old'.
I showed my little cousin (she was 10). She got this really cheeky grin like she had some big secret, looked at me, and very matter of factly said 'This isn't real, the Earth is only 2,000 years old'.
I thought she was joking, so I laughed a bit and asked what she meant. She explained that she was 100% confident the Earth was only 2,000 years old, because she learned it in school and it was even in her textbook; therefore it must be true.
I started explaining...well, science... to her, and she kept insisting it was in her textbook; that evolution was false. She grabbed our Uncle and explained the situation and wanted him to tell me how wrong I was. He got this really worried look, told us it was time to go and he would explain once we got back to the truck.
The entire ride home he was tiptoeing around the subject, explaining we are taught different things in school; and finally settled on 'Well, God's time is different than our time, so when the Bible says 2,000 years; that's in God's time. For us, that's a lot longer, maybe millions of years. So you are both actually correct."
Yeah, I knew my cousin was home schooled, but had no idea her textbook was called 'The Science of Creation', and she was literally being taught that evolution/science was false; and only what is said in the Bible is fact.
Once her dad (my OTHER Uncle) found out about the whole thing, he accused me of being a bad influence on my cousin (a year earlier I got in trouble for letting her hear a Jazz CD, and mentioning Harry Potter, which is witchcraft and satanic apparently).
**I was never allowed to play with her again during any of my visits to grandmas, out of my Uncle's fear I would corrupt her.**
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**TL;DR - Was forced to stop spending time with my cousin as a kid because I told her about Science.**
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**Edit 2: Holy shit guys, thanks so much for getting this to the FRONT PAGE of Reddit!** I never expected the post would get so much attention, but 9th top post overall, WOW!
**Edit 3: Thanks for Gold Award kind stranger!** That's my first gilding ever! | I know it sounds stupid to look for logic in these arguments but HOW can the Earth be 2000 years old if Jesus was born on the year ~~0~~ 1 and A WHOLE SHIT TON OF STUFF happened before he was born?
EDIT: Thanks for pointing out my mistake, u/Vealophile |
Obligatory, this happened to me my freshman year in college.
My gf and I had been dating for just under a year. I went away for college and she lived with her parents and two little brothers 6, 11.
When I would visit, we would have zero privacy at her house and car fun was l impossible since we didn’t have cars and she had an early curfew. The only option we had to be intimate was to wait till everyone went to sleep and to hook up in the living room. We couldn’t go to her room because her bed was squeaky AF, her dad would check in once he heard her door and she had no bedroom lock. We hooked up a few times successfully in the living room so it wasn’t that big of a deal.
The day before our anniversary, I was extra horny and had her sit on my face as I laid down face up on the couch with my dick out. We enjoyed ourselves for about ten min until she gets up suddenly and says her dads name to me out loud. It was strange that she would say his name while I was eating her out and before it hit me I heard his voice say, “oh my god, what are y’all doing?! Let me get my bible” he forces my gf in her room and I’m left alone on the couch.
They are in her room for about 5 minutes and I decide to pray because my parents are strict AF and I know I’m about to be in trouble. As I’m praying I feel a tap on my shoulder. I’m ready for hell but when I turn around its my GFs youngest six year old brother, up at 3am. I was like wtf is going on tonight. Anyways, he asks if I had a tummy ache because of my kneeling praying position. I say no and he literally skips back to bed (I suspected he was gay at 6 and he ended up coming out later in life).
Eventually my GF and her dad come out of her room. Here’s where it gets interesting. He sits us down and instead of punishing us, he tells us he understands, that he isn’t mad, that it will be our secret and if my GFs mom finds out we will all be in trouble. He then proceeds to tell us how we should have planned it to avoid getting caught. That’s right, my (pastor) GFs dad explained that we should have left the kitchen light on to divert any late night walkers there and gone to the dining room so we would have had more time to sort ourselves out before anyone walked in. It was strange.
He sits us in the dining room, tells us to have fun and goes back to bed. I’m still shaken up by what had just happened but with my oral skills at its peak, my GF wanted me to finish. I had to decline and say bye for the night before seeing her and her dad for our one year anniversary the next day (he took us to get pictures at the mall the next day).
TL;DR: eating my GF out on the living room couch and her dad who is a pastor catching us in the act and giving us tips on the right way to avoid detection.
Edit: to clarify that my GFs dad gave tips on how to avoid detection and not how to perform the actual act.
Edit 2: formatting
We are no longer together, sadly. Thankfully we ended on good terms and can laugh about it now.
Edit 3: Yes it’s a true story and I mentioned the comment about her little brother because it randomly popped in my head as I was posting. Thinking back, that little detail of him was funny to me. I loved that kid, he was like a little bro to me and so funny. Anyways, his mannerisms even as a little boy just made me suspect he would be gay. After he asked about my tummy he kissed my leg, giggled then skipped off into the night. No offense intended just a funny side note. | Honestly there's usually one "cool" parent, but they can only be cool when the other parent isn't around, because the non-cool parent will get pissed because the cool parent doesn't agree with them. |
Background: I met this super cute guy on Tinder a few months ago. We aren’t a couple, but I have feelings for him. Also, we have ridiculously incredible sexual chemistry.
I hadn’t seen him in about a month and a half as I had been traveling for work. So he comes over today.
One thing leads to another and we’re in my bed. I’d say that we are both pretty vocal during the deed. There’s a lot of moaning and hyping each other up. So he’s saying things like “I love how you feel” and “youre beautiful” and I am hitting him back with “you are so sexy” and “you feel amazing”.
The scene of the fuckup:
So he’s on top. I have my legs pretzeling him. My hands are cupping his neck and he is kind of doing the same. He says, “look at me...”
So I do.
And in my mind I am like I should say something dirty because we are staring into each other’s souls and it’s ridiculously sexy.
BIG MISTAKE.
For the record...he kept saying things like “I love how you feel” or whatever and so I was going with the same grammatical construction.
And so I am staring him dead in the eye, as he is basically leg locked inside of me, and I tried to ask “do you love fucking me?”
EXCEPT IT CAME OUT AS
“Do you fucking love me?”
☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️
To which I realize what I just said and start frantically trying to explain that it’s not what I meant to say, and it’s definitely not a subconscious slip because obviously I don’t love him, but I do like him.
Bless his heart, that he just sort of laughed it off and went back to work.
If he ever wants to see me again, I’ll be surprised.
TLDR; TIFU by trying to talk dirty but accidentally asking the man I like if he loves me, not my 😻. | Told a woman I loved her within like 5min of *meeting her once*. It wasn't even a date, she had just sat next to me on a bus and we'd struck up conversation. I just meant that she was super cool as we shared many interests, but it came out "dude, I fucking *love* you." I'm sure I was actively trying to edit the sentence and shove my words back in my mouth immediately. Embarrassing, but we laughed it off.
Coming up on 10 years of marriage to her now. |
About two months ago I was watching porn and found a girl who looked like my wife, which I'm into so I clicked on it. As I watched it I started to think it might actually be my wife, then I turned up the volume and listened close and I start to panic. It sounds and looks just like my wife, my heart starts pounding. My stomach dropped to the floor when she looked at the camera in this moment I am convinced. Luckily at the very end of a short clip there was a like a three frame shot at the end that obviously wasn't her but I couldn't get it out of my head. I kept watching and listening and slowed it down and with the exception of those last frames it really seemed to be her. Anyways after I finished my business I just sat and waited for my wife to come home, all the while telling myself things like it's not her you're being stupid. I couldn't leave it alone so I tried looking up the actress but couldn't find the info.
Finally my wife came home and I had to show her the clip. First she laughed, then she gasped when the girl looks up. She started to tear up and asked if perhaps she'd been drugged or something. After further inspection and some comparison of identifying markers like birthmarks and the like we concluded that it's not her but someone who looks and sounds extremely similar. I'm still trying to find out who the girl is because I'm hoping there may be some fun things to watch like a good lesbian scene. For a good hour there I thought that my marriage of ten years might have been a sham. The good thing is that it made me realize how much I love my wife and how important she is to me and my life.
tl;dr thought my wife was cheating on me in porn movie, almost had a heart attack, turned out to be her dopplegangher
Edit; The shot is of her profile and for a moment she looks up, then back to profile and a quick look up again. The whole clip is about a minute and a half long. It's not a professional porno it's a clip from a webcam show not at a great quality. Had the angles or quality been better the whole thing could've been avoided.
Yes, married men watch porn, I can't believe how many people asked about that.
Yes I'm sure it's not her.
No, i won't be posting the source. On the off chance someone figures out who i am, i don't want give someone i know the link to a porn that looks just like my wife.
Edit2; What I've learned from this thread is that this is a pretty common thing to happen.
Also, to all the girlfriends in denial, idealistic 12 year olds and Christian conservatives. Masturbation is not cheating, neither is watching porn. Believe me, your boyfriends and husbands are much better off watching porn than being left to their own thoughts. You can have sex twice a day and still want to wank it sometimes. Just because you have a steak in the fridge doesn't mean you won't just want the ease and quick satisfaction of a bologna sandwich from time to time.
Edit3; Nobody will see this last edit but i feel like this point should be made. If a vegetarian watches a video of someone eating a bacon sandwich and thinks that it looks tasty and enjoyable, does that mean they're no longer a vegetarian?
I don't think so. Being attracted to other women does not make a man a cheater, that to me requires physical touch or emotional intimacy. If one can be condemned for their thoughts then there is no hope for any of us. | I love how you were scared, but not too scared to finish. |
As is normal it seems, this actually happened about a year ago now.
Im a 30ish year old male. My wife was 9 months pregnant at the time so I hadn't gotten any action in a while. Her choice, not mine. My wife is the only person I have ever slept with. We started dating in high school.
So on with the story.
I have always got my haircut at costcutters or sportsclips. The cheap places because I didn't really care. My wife had been going to a salon local to us for the last few years for massages, haircuts, hair color, the works. I had a bad experience at sportsclips the last time, I just didnt like the results. So she made me an appointment at her salon for me.
I showed up and was in their waiting room. The stylist comes to get me and wow, she is VERY attractive. Obnoxiously attractive.
After I sit in the chair I honestly stopped thinking about it, we were having a good conversation, about my wife actually. Yes, Im a terrible human being. Finish the haircut and go in the back room where they wash everyones hair. As she started to wash my hair I don't know what happened but it felt really good the way she was massaging my head while applying the shampoo. Cue the boner, Thankfully the way I was situated and the robe they had on me hid it pretty well...I think. I had a warm towel over my eyes.
She finishes that and then she asks if I want a hand massage, I decline because Im a guy and its just kinda awkward, especially given her attractiveness. Her reaction was kinda odd, she seemed shocked I didn't want one. She asked again if I was sure and I felt I might offend her if I said no again so I agreed.
The hand massage just felt amazing. I don't know what it was but it was incredible. All of a sudden I start getting little twitches in my penis for lack of a less obnoxious word for it. I couldn't stop them, they just kept building.
Then she goes to switch hands, grabs the lotion and puts the bottle down on my stomach, which slides down and ever so slightly touches my penis. That was the final straw and it happened. Next thing I know Im in a full or orgasm and I cant stop it.
I end up crossing my legs to further hide the fact that my penis and groin area are having seizures basically. Im so embarrassed, I had no idea what to do. My semen is soaking into my boxers and it's a terribly gross feeling.
I don't think she knew what was going on, thank god. She finished the hand massage and I have the most awkward walk of my life back to her chair. I basically shut down at that point and tried to rush the rest of the appointment. Im sure I was bright red at this point from embarrassment. We finish the appointment and I go to the cashier to check out. Im an epic moment of good judgement I decide to give her an obnoxious tip on top of it. I think it was $50 on a $50 bill. Yes, I am an idiot and if she did know, I just made it a million times more awkward.
I went home, avoided my wife and went straight into the shower, hid my clothes and put them in the washer right after my shower.
I have never been back and have made due with my subpar haircuts from my local sports clips since. My wife doesn't know. Telling her this story a week from her due date could have gone literally any direction and telling her now would just be even more awkward.
So there's my story, judge all you want. I am aware I am an idiot and did multiple things to make it worse. I feel like I sexually harassed her or something. I hate myself but not enough to dwell on it lol
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Q&A: Some people took things too literal or didn't get my attempts at humor. Shortened because I realized idgaf about some of the sensitive sallies in this post.
Yes, I used the word obnoxious 3 times, and again in my tldr. Now I have used it 5. Sometimes a word gets stuck in my head and I use it too much. May hell rain down on me for my sins.
I did not mean obnoxiously attractive as a bad thing and yes I intentionally used the word wrong. I just found it to be a funny way to describe my reaction. "She was so attractive it was almost offensive" maybe would have been better choices? idk, it was a joke.
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Parting words as I probably wont be back to this thread. To the people trying to blame my wife for not bending over backwards to make sure I am sexually satisfied, in the best way possible, please piss off. My wife was pregnant and going through a lot. Thinking that she should drop everything to rub one out for me is pretty fucked up. If I was to the point where I needed something I would just rub one out myself like a normal person. I didn't feel sexually deprived, I had much more important things on my mind. Life doesn't revolve around sex for me.
Perhaps I am more sensitive to these things. My wife was the first person who I was attracted to at more than a physical level. The only person I have ever been with. I rarely have physical contact with other women, not because I avoid it, it just doesn't happen in normal course of life. This changes nothing, I am still more attracted to my wife than any human being. Attraction is about more than physical appearance. My wife is hot af, but her personality is even more attractive to me.
tldr; My wife talked me into a haircut at a fancy salon. Stylist was obnoxiously attractive. I had an orgasm while she was giving me a hand massage. I then proceeded to leave a 100% tip because I am an idiot. | You pretty much paid for a happy ending but missed a few steps. |
Obligatory this didn’t actually happen today and I’m using a throwaway for reasons that will become clear below. A few months back, a young family member passed away unexpectedly. A social media post was put up about it, and it went viral. There were lots of kind people who commented nice and sometimes even helpful things, but there were also several with more maligned intentions: first spammers, then a few people who just wanted to speculate wildly about cause of death in very hurtful and insane ways, and then the anti-vax community descended on it. The latter collectively wanted us to know that they “knew” what happened, that we could “understand the tragedy” better if we just talked to them.
All of this was a lot to process in my grief, and I started going through comments and reporting them. My anger level rose and before long I convinced myself that if I just messaged them and told them that the autopsy showed something 100% unrelated, that they’d lay off. That we would maybe even get an apology. As I wrote the first message, I convinced myself that people are decent and they just misunderstood probably. I continued writing to a few others.
Yeah.... couldn’t have been more wrong about that. I got back messages from each with different insane takes on it. Then I started getting messages from other people I’ve never heard of.
At the private, unannounced service, two women came up to me in the parking lot wanting to hug. I assumed they were from the other side of the family, people I’d met but I just wasn’t immediately recalling them, so I obliged. They expressed their sorrow, asked a few questions, and then began explaining that they had “research” that they’d like to share. One pulled out pages of handwritten notes about the dangers of vaccinations and how it relates to the deceased. Thankfully the employees of the funeral home helped me dispense of them quickly at least.
I continued getting messages on social media and later learned that my info had been spreading from one social media group to another along with the any details they’d gleaned about the death from me. I eventually started getting phone calls even, though my phone number isn’t out there in any easy to find place. One person went to the length to write up over 20 pages of “facts” about the death including a section on how my loved one’s death can further their cause politically. I couldn’t even be mad; at least she was honest in her intention unlike the others. It’s been months, and still I’m being hounded almost every single day by crazies all over the country.
I’ve learned my lesson and don’t respond or acknowledge them in any way now, nor have I for a while. I haven’t mentioned this to any of my family members because we’re all so broken right now and this is way too much on top of it; I just hope none of them are getting the same treatment.
TL;DR Anti-Vaxxers have been trying to ruin my life since I tried to reason with them after the passing of a loved one
Edit - A few takeaways:
* To those that reached out with similar experiences, I have been mortified to learn that this wasn’t unique to me. Thank you for trusting me with your thoughts and stories. I wish each of you the very best.
* To those that reached out who have also lost a loved one recently, thank you. Genuinely. That’s a brave thing to talk about with a stranger online, and it’s been really healing for me to have conversations with so many of you.
* I regret the user name I chose for this post and the wording of my TL;DR. I do believe in vaccinating but am sad to realize my words were a catalyst in spurring so much hatred towards those who don’t. The people that doxxed me are on the extreme fringe of that group, and that has become even more clear to me reading comments and messages from some of you. I’m going to try to parlay this whole experience of wishing for more kindness from strangers during a tough time to trying to be as kind as I can be to strangers (and everyone else for that matter), online and otherwise. | So...
We had new neighbors move in a few months ago. My wife and I made the effort to walk down the street and introduce ourselves and our two year old son.
It was all going great until they started hinting at and then outright stating they are anti-vaxxers. I replied: “Oh wow, I only plan on letting my son play with the autistic kids - that way I know they are vaccinated.”
They were so confused because they didn’t know if I was encouraging or making fun of their ridiculous *beliefs*..... |
The male community is pretty split on the forest vs clearing debate when it comes to bums. I happen to like a well manicured booty. Normally, I use a trimmer with no gaurd because it's fast and trying to manuver a razor back there is far too risky. I do this every couple of weeks or so.
The downside to this method is that it doesnt get super close and leaves a a little butt stubble. I was lamenting this fact to my wife when she lit up and offered up a genius solution. "You should let me nair your butt." Said she, with a gleam in her eyes. "Its easier than a trimmer and it will make your butt super smooth."
"Well, okay." Says I.
Elated, she runs to grab the tube, sits down face level with my butt and goes to town with a little more fervor than you would expect for someone tasked with rubbing cream on a hairy man butt. Marriage is strange. A few minutes later, I wash it off in the shower and we gush over how baby-smooth things are down there. I mean a baby dolphin would be jealous of this thing. It was like silk and rubber got together for a night of sweet love and produced an offspring. I finally understood what that Santara song was about. All was good in the world. Or so I thought.
The next day I noticed some slight itchiness, but I figured it would pass, so I just tried to ignore it and focused on not scratching it as best as I could. Later that night, my wife and I got undressed and got in the shower together. We were having an unrelated conversation, when I remembered the itchiness I had been feeling throughout the day and told her about it. "Well turn around so I can take a look." So I turned around, stuck it out, and awaited her analysis.
...
Dead silence.
I turned back around to find her with her hands over her mouth trying her hardest to hold in a laugh. I craned my neck and twisted my body to try to get a view myself, and I was met with a horrifying sight. Like a thief in the night, somone had stolen the silky smooth booty that was there just mere hours before and replaced it with one that was COVERED in huge, bright red bumps. Unable to contain it any longer, my wife busted out laughing, while I jumped out of the shower to inspect it closer in the mirror. Overnight, it had gone from glorious, shimmering dolphin fin to 14 year old getting slapped in the face by puberty.
My wife maintains the hypothesis that it was an alergic reaction to the hotel soap possibly somehow exacerbated by the nair, as I did get a few small bumps on other parts of my body, but nothing like the warzone that my backside now looks like.
I maintain that it was sabatoge because she was jealous and wanted to have the only smooth bum in the house.
Moral of the story: never challenge a woman's rightful status of smoothest booty.
TL;DR: I let my wife nair my butt and now it looks like Freddy Kruger face fucked a topographical map of Utah. | So was it just an allergic reaction and can I possibly do this to my backside, or is this a never do this kinda situation? |
This happened the past night, technically already today.
We were having some adult fun with the boyfriend. It was also after a couple of drinks so we were going at it pretty rough.
So here I am, on my knees, giving him a blowjob, putting my back into it when all of a sudden I hear a very loud *POP* immediately followed by one of the worst pain I ever felt. It felt as if someone stabbed me in the face with a screwdriver.
Thanks to my godlike reflexes I was able to yank my head away from the one eyed yogurt slinger before my teeth snapped together and with that momentum I also managed to slam my head into the nearest wall. I was already in tears from the shock of the sudden pain when I realised.. I can't move my jaw. I started to panic and just kept repeating "I can't open my mouth! I can't open my mouth!".
We tried to pry it open while under hot water, thinking it was a muscle cramp but that shortly, with some pain I can't even start to describe, revealed that it indeed was not just some stiff muscle...
Yup, I managed to dislocate my jaw while giving a blowjob.
In a futile attempt to snap it back where it belongs, I tried punching myself in the face on the opposite side, tried pushing it, pulling it with all my might but none of that seemed to work. At the end after many tears and pain and panicked running in circles, I took a painkiller and wrapped myself in a blanket to think through my options. I ended up falling asleep like that for a few hours.
When I woke again, with the pain a bit duller and my mind a bit clearer I finally managed to pop my jaw back where it belongs but the pain is still very bad and I can't open my mouth more then to fit a teaspoon neither can I close it completely. It being Sunday, only emergency trauma care is accessible in the hospital and it is insanely crowded so I decided to wait till tomorrow to seek medical attention. So here I am now, popping painkillers and eating my dinner with a straw, having absolutely no idea what I am going to say to the doctor or how do I explain to my boss why I need a day off in such short notice.
Tl,Dr: i went for a blowjob, ended up like the T-Rex after King Kong was done with it.
EDIT/UPDATE: first of all... Holy sh** this blew up! I'm glad I could make so many of you chuckle. Also, I've read the comments, thanks for the laughs, it hurt.
To answer a couple topics I found in the comments: sadly, nobody came that day.
What was boyfriend doing, well, he tried to call an ambulance after he realised we are not equipped to fix the issue. Problem is, my country is not very big on English and my boyfriend doesn't speak the local language. First operator hang up on him when realised he is trying to communicate in English, second operator got stuck on not understanding the address code in English... I then insisted to "f**k that, it'll be fine".
I am not from the us, just very stupid. Health care is included in taxes but did not rush to the ER because they are under staffed, under payed and over worked an I was not bleeding, seriously disabled or in mortal danger, neither did I think a dislocated jaw is serious enough to require immediate care, tho reading your horror stories and warnings made me concerned.
After a brief ~4 hours spent at the clinic I was called into a large room where five dentists were working on five different patients with not as much as a curtain separating them so the place was loud enough that the doctor did not ask questions because I was not able to answer loud enough. He instructed me to grip the chair tight because it will hurt, pushed my jaw backwards and wiggled it to it's place. Showed me how to stretch the muscles, gave me his number and sent me off.
Hopefully it will heal alright and I can go back to finish what I was doing originally.
Oh, and bless those who noticed the username. I did make this account to post this story. Wasn't sure how it would look on my main. | Just tell them you yawned, and it dislocated. Happens to more people than you Know. Good luck |
** this happened yesterday and this is a throwaway account **
I saw a young woman on the train whom I thought was cute. I don’t know how to safely approach people with the covid situation and I was getting off at the next stop so I made a note telling her I thought she was cute with my number and airdropped it to the name that came up when she took out her phone. She looked at me and smiled (I think, harder to tell with masks) and texted me as I was walking through the station saying that she thought i was cute too. I was excited! Then she asked me how old I was and my heart sank, thinking “oh no she’s 19 or 20 or something, younger than I thought”. I told her my age: 29. She then revealed that she’s 15. I was horrified and before I could finish my text of “I’m so sorry, I thought you were an adult, it’s hard to tell with the mask, I’m going to block your number now”, she said “i love ur glasses tho ur a major dilf” and I just about threw up, then collected myself and gave her a little spiel about please don’t say things like that to grown men (made it clear I’m not victim blaming), most wont but there are some who will act on that and that’s a terrifying thought. Anyway I think I handled it decently well but ugh that was brutal and I still feel so embarrassed.
TL;DR I hit on someone who turned out to be 15, she called me a dilf, and I want to melt into the ground never to be seen again
Edit: for the ppl saying “why didn’t you smash” and stuff like that, even if you’re joking you’re part of the problem, seriously think about what sleeping with a full on adult at that age could do to a person and don’t perpetuate or participate in that behaviour. Please! | What matters is that you stopped flirting as soon as you knew. It can be hard telling ages. I always looked older than my age and had older men hit on me. |
Obligatory- the FU happened months ago, but I found out today
April 2020. 1 month into lockdown, it seemed like we were going to work from home at least until the summer (lol). I decided to invest in a good office chair with lumbar support.
Chair arrives, I build it with wifey, and much to my dismay, the seat is angled forward so it feels like you're sitting on the cliff Mufasa fell from. It was impossible to stay seated on the chair without sliding forward and curving your spine in a weird way. I figure it's shoddy manufacturing and incorporate a footstool to my set up so I don't fall from the chair. It's uncomfortable, but I make do with my creation and keep my pride intact.
Fast forward to 9 months later, and wifey decides to get a chair of her own. She shows me the chair she picked out and claims that it is much better than my Mufasa chair. Dejected, I pull up my past orders to see the reviews on my chair to see what went so wrong.
Multiple comments on its fantastic lumbar support. It seems no one else is sliding off of this chair. I'm confused. A light bulb flickers in my brain and I hold up a photo of the chair in the Amazon listing next to the real thing.
Turns out the bottom base of the chair frame is reversed in the photo, which meant that I built the chair backwards in April and have been sitting in a reverse chair for 9 months. Laughing uncontrollably, we reassemble the chair and take turns sitting. We now have 2 comfortable chairs.
TLDR: Bought chair in April, seat angle sucks. 9 months later wife makes fun of my chair, discover I have been working from a misassembled chair since the beginning of the pandemic.
Edit: here's the [chair](https://imgur.com/gallery/lHpmkqS) - with an eloquently written review
Edit 2: Several requests for the link to the chair- [here](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07XDCG988?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share)
Edit 3: Unfortunately, no pictures of the chair before we reassembled. If you see the leg portion of the chair like a sideways U, the concave was facing backwards instead of forwards, tilting the seat forward and flexing in the front.
Edit 4: seems like my final FU in this whirlwind journey was not arranging a kickback with the chair manufacturer before posting. For the 'ride-til-I-die' wheelists, I got a sled chair because we were living in a tiny NYC apartment with cheap floors. My chair preferences also changed after 5 yrs in the military and turning 31. Thanks for the votes and the awards! | Don’t feel bad about this! I work in an office and we got new chairs and the guys who put them together did the same thing with about half of them and I had to argue with them that they were together wrong |
Obligatory happened a couple days ago
I was enjoying a lovely morning with my boyfriend. Talking, cuddling, farting together... you know the drill. Just the comfortable phase of relationship when you no longer worry about being perfect human beings.
Well, after some cuddling, I noticed that his morning wood wasn’t gone. At all. And even though we had some amazing sex last night, I decided I wanted more. He was just so sexy, laying in his bed, I couldn’t resist.
After some teasing, we went to do it. We’re pretty boring, maybe too romantic and really lazy, so we wanted just a classic missionary. Ya know, nothing too wild. But I want it quick and kinda rough.
While we were doing it, I’m telling him to speed up, even though I know he is tired from yesterday. And he does.
Suddenly, he tells me he got a cramp in his back. Okay, I thought, it will go away. It will be fine. It’s just a cramp. Let’s continue. Right?
Wrong.
He stopped. His face looked like he was in a lot of pain. His whole body looked like he was in a lot of pain. And he was still inside of me.
Then he told me:”Babe? I can’t move. It hurts. I think I’m gonna need help.”
Well.
I had to carefully operate myself from under him and take off his condom. I also had to try not to burst out laughing because of the absurdity or crying because he was in pain.
The best part? Trying to put his pants up, so he won’t be totally naked when the fucking ambulance I had to call will arrive. The whole time he was almost screaming from pain.
The REALLY best part? Trying to frantically get rid off all evidence of what we were doing just for him to tell everyone “Yeah, I did this to myself during morning sex with my girlfriend.”
Now he is stuck in bed for a week and I’m wondering if my pussy was really worth calling ambulance and all that pain.
TLDR; My vagina apparently feels so good my boyfriend got an acute lumbago in his back while being in it.
Edit: Guys, the TLDR was a sarcasm and a joke.
Edit 2: Aaaand he laughs about it now too. He was the one asking me to cover him so noone else would see him bare naked. He also saw this post before I submitted it (even told me to put it on reddit, because it is kinda funny) and is the one making most jokes about it. At the moment it was terrifying, but now he´s okay, so why shouln´t we laugh about it? | Well atleast now you can use your nurse costume. |
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