instruction
stringlengths 7
18k
| response
stringlengths 5
2.82k
|
|---|---|
This happened last month.
I have a wonderful wife, and even though we are in our late thirties and have three kids, we still like to copulate on a recreational level.
Now, my wife can be hard to please. She’s a slow starter, and has a hard time reaching an orgasm from intercourse, which means that once I’m finished I’m dedicated to helping her reach the finish line too. This can take an additional 90 minutes from any previous coital activities. Frankly, it’s the hardest workout of my life, and often leaves me with a tennis elbow and inability to pronounce words for 30 minutes after. On the plus side I often don’t have time to do the dishes after.
Now, I’d say I’m more of an attentive lover than a good one. I tend to think of the female orgasm as a beat ‘em up on Playstation — if I just push all the buttons something special has to happen sooner or later. Over the years I’ve come to identify which buttons my wife likes to have pressed, and I’ve realized part of her being a slow starter stems from her being able to orgasm multiple times until she reaches a huge finale with a standing ovation, fireworks etc.
This means that any amorous activities need to fit into our packed time schedule. It had been a while since we were able to put the little monsters asleep at a reasonable time, which had probably led to a loss of form on my behalf.
Last month we were able to git ‘er done, as our local priest likes to put it.
This time, like an amateur, I tried to match her and make her reach climax first. So I’m mixing intense lovemaking with pulling out and going to town on her to help her reach her destination.
Through no fault of my own, my wife seems to enjoy it. She is having multiple of the minor orgasms, and I’m clinging on for dear life, hoping that she will reach the big one already, and also trying very hard to remember not to say that out loud. I’m a sweaty mess, the room is really warm, and I’d like to take a break for a sip of water and turning a fan on. Or to send in a replacement. Also, we will probably have to buy a new sofa.
We keep going at it, my pelvis is thrusting like a jackhammer on the fritz, and my tummy is making weird sounds.
Suddenly, my entire stomach decides that if I’m dumb enough to keep going despite its many warnings, it will take matters into its own hands.
The worst pain I’ve ever suffered suddenly hits me mid-thrust, as my intestines try to break free of their confinement. I fold like Rivaldo during the World Cup 2002, doubling over on top of my wife, who thinks I can no longer resist her sexiness and am about to fall asleep in five minutes. “I love you”, she whispers in my ear. “I’m dying,” I croak in return.
I finally push myself to my feet, and try to make it to my phone on the TV table to call 911. It’s no good. I fall to the floor in a little ball of pain. It feels like the stomach is trying to rearrange the guts but can’t decide where everything goes. After what feels like an eternity, the crashing waves of pain start to ebb out.
My wife stands over me with a slightly worried expression. “You ok?”
“Just cramps,” I pant as I realize what just happened to me, finally realizing why people would drown from cramps.
“Oh.” She’s quiet for a beat. “Can we go again?”
I have spent the last month getting real exercise in a gym, and taking up stretching. I’ve also realized that if I ever come close to dying, I’m properly fucked unless my wife has been too.
TLDR: The one time I didn’t please my wife it nearly killed me.
Edit: Someone gave me a “I’m deceased” award, and I want to say thank you and that this was a close one, but I’m still very much alive.
Edit2: Holy crap, this is blowing up. I’m trying to respond to all of you and the comments are a truly entertaining read! To those of you calling it a humblebrag or a boast about having sex — Hell yes I got laid! But I also try to explain that much of the time I have no idea what I’m doing, so I’m not trying to toot my own horn here. I leave the tooting of horns to my wife.
Edit3: I would like to give a big thank you to all the wonderful people who have given rewards for this post. Thank you!
As for my TLDR, a lot of people are unhappy with it. I’m sorry for that; it’s the result of being a first-time poster in this subreddit. I don’t want to change it now after the fact, but I’ll try to improve on it if I ever fuck up again. | >“I love you”, she whispers in my ear. “I’m dying,” I croak in return.
The juxtaposition. I am laughing so hard at this |
Throwaway. Well it was around noon when I ate my pasta. Shortly after that I found myself to be slightly off-kilter and queasy but in great spirits. I initially attributed the feeling to that 2nd cup of coffee I shouldn't have had. At 2pm it was my hour-long lunch break which I always use for some gym time. As I was walking out of the office I realized that this wasn't just the caffeine talking. The possibility that I was in fact, tripping, didn't even occur to me until this point when realized how it could have happened, and sure enough, it did. Somehow. Life finds a way. Saturday morning I had prepared some 'gummy bears' for my friends using the translucent Tupperware lid as the backdrop. Some of the residue must have lived through the night. On Sunday I made a bunch of pasta and started eating straight out of the Tupperware. I put the lid on and didn't think twice about it. Today I ate leftovers at work that must have been contaminated by the container. Or maybe I laid my fork on the lid, then licked that fork...mmmyeah. I'm honestly perplexed how eating the pasta could have dosed me since I microwaved that shit for a few minutes and it's my limited understanding that high temperature will often nullify the drug. It did though and by the time I had walked to the gym I knew damn well what was coming my way. Well anyway, I went to the gym and worked out pretty intensely for 40 minutes in an effort to blow off all the nervous steam and jitters. The work-out was rather standard except for a brief moment where, lost in concentration, I started walking out of the gym then got slightly disoriented when I didn't know where I was going, or why. I pulled myself together and took a cold shower then took a nice long walk outside before I had to take the plunge. I did my best to act like a normal human upon re-entry. I cracked one joke (that actually went over really well with half the office) before admonishing myself to behave. My behavior was normal except for when I forgot my co-workers name during an introduction. We had a new team-member start today and I had to give her a tour. I don't think she could tell I was fucked up but I know I was sweating a lot and rambling. I now have another 50 minutes before I very non-nonchalantly walk out of the office, secret intact, and take a very long walk home. What a fucking Monday.
TL;DR: Accidentally dosed myself and had to spend the rest of the day pretending I was a normal, sober, middle-level manager at the office. | Don't you just hate unexpected business trips? |
This happened about 30 minutes ago, it's 4am and I'm tired and stupid for this.
I'm one of those people, where if I fall asleep I sometimes forget what I was doing before I went to sleep.
So I was playing RE7 in VR, but it was getting kinda late but I wanted to stay up and play anyways. I started to fall asleep, and just passed out kinda instantly.
Then I woke up, my head felling weirdly heavy. BUT HOLY SHIT I JUST WOKE UP AND ALL I CAN SEE AROUND ME IS A DARK ROOM WITH SOME TABLES CHAIRS ALL I CAN HEAR ARE CREEPY NOISES AND ITS DARK OUTSIDE AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM.
So logically I stand up from my chair( i didn't even check to look, but I'm pretty sure my in game guy was standing) and run and scream.
Somehow my arm got around my monitor( or maybe a cord idk), I also ran into the wall (which made no sense to me because I wasn't even near a wall), and then it happened.
I start to feel hands all around me(my mom), and the feeling of something come in or out of my ear(my earbuds that I didn't know were there), and the sound of my mom asking "What the hell, are you ok?"
She took the headset off of me, and I see the destruction I did to my monitor, and the small dent/damage to the wall.
My mom laughed her ass off at me, and told me we will talk about it tomorrow.
tl;dr slept with scary game on, thought it was my reality. broke stuff by accident and feel dumb. | Im just picturing your mom walking into your room, seeing you bump into the wall screaming murder and flailing your arms around, and thinking to herself "I wish he was just masturbating like a normal boy" |
UPDATE POST HERE: [https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/c6m476/tifu\_update\_letting\_my\_nephew\_use\_my\_fortnite/](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/c6m476/tifu_update_letting_my_nephew_use_my_fortnite/)
Maybe you already know where this is going.
My niece and nephew are the best niece and nephew an uncle could ask for. They're bright, kind, good-natured kids. My niece (who we'll call L), and my nephew (who we'll call W) don't have many games on their PSN account, so being the ~~cool~~ stupid uncle I am, I game them access to my PSN account, to play my far superior collection of games.All was well for about a month. I knew they couldn't buy games on the account because all payments require a card verification number.
But imagine my surprise yesterday when I get this message on facebook...
​
"A\_Sad\_Frog, can you check your bank? "
It was my brother in law. L and W's father.
"W is playing Fortnite and he has 65,000 V bucks, is this normal?"
​
My heart stopped. Their parents are great people, but not particularly savvy with gaming / consoles / microcurrency.[I went to my transaction history on PSN, and nearly threw up when I saw this](https://imgur.com/a/qZu4SCN)**(identifying details have been cropped out):**
​
All told, £422.90 ($531) had been siphoned out over a week, with most of the bombardment happening yesterday. By the time I got back into to account to assess the damage, 20,000 vbucks had already been spent. I saw that the Playstation wallet can be topped up before each purchase, so they must have paid for it by first buying wallet currency, which apparently didn't require a code. That's **FU number 1.**"Tell them to stop what they're doing. Shut off your PS4. I have to sort this out".
​
I immediately unhooked any bank cards from the account, and looked at what my options were. **NOTHING**. PlayStation store doesn't have protections against accidental purchases like this, and the best they can do is refund the amount back into your playstation wallet. This is money that can never be accessed again, except for buying games or motherF\*ng V bucks or some other bullsh\*t currency. For all intents and purposes, I have lost that money. The bank can't do anything about it.
So here's where it gets really messed up. **FU number 2**. My girlfriend is visiting family in the US, and was **storing her savings for the trip** in that account. She will have expenses sorted because she's staying with family, but she will be going with virtually zero spending money now, and they had a number of activites planned which she likely can't take part in now. That was a very difficult phonecall, and she handled it better than I ever could have expected, and far better than I deserved.
I'm not mad at the kids. I genuinely don't think they meant it. I'm mad at myself. I didn't think it was possible, but then I should have done more research. I feel so terribly terribly guilty for putting my girlfriend in this situation, the kids are upset that they did it, their parents are currently suffering from stage 4 embarrassment cancer, and all around the whole thing is just F'ed. We're not a rich couple, and this one has hit us both pretty hard.
So, fair warning, **double check that your payment security features on PSN are set up properly** or you could end up getting thoroughly shafted as we did.
**TLDR:** Left my PlayStation account to the mercy of my 5 year old nephew, who spent all of my girlfriend's holiday money on vbucks, mostly in the space of a day.
**EDIT:** A couple of people have mentioned that we get email notifications on a purchase. This is true, but it's set up on a different email that wasn't set up on our phones to notify us. It would have **dramatically** improved the outcome of this if we had done that. **FU number 3** confirmed.
**UPDATE #1:** Playstation support was closed for phonecalls today, so it will be tomorrow (monday) when I can contact them. | YOU CAN GET A REFUND.
Who told you that you can’t? PlayStation will do a ONE TIME (as in your lifetime) refund for this exact situation. I know because my son did the same thing. He spent ~$400. I contacted PlayStation and it took maybe 30 minutes on the phone to confirm information. I had every cent back within days.
I never had to deal with my bank.
Again, you absolutely CAN get it back.
Edit: Highest rated comment is about my kid being a little shit. |
Obligatory this happened yesterday. This girl and I had a fun filled day out on the town. Afterwards we got a hotel. Things started getting hot and heavy and my fingers ended up in her pants. One thing led to another and I started fingering her. She was having a grand old time showing the usual signs that I was doing a decent job. A good portion of the way through my nails must have given her a bit of a cut and she said ou.... and passed out cold. I'm sitting her wondering what the fuck just happened. I call her name and start panicingly shaking her. She's not responsive and I slap her face. As soon as I did this she starts having a seizure. Now I'm freaking the out. I jump out of bed and start to call an ambulance. I'm about to start the call and when she stops and starts making grunting noises. She's giving me this wtf just happened look and I tell her what happened. At first she tells me she doesn't believe me but then said that she has a history of having seizures when she gets hurt or scared. She said that when she has a seizure it's best to let it take its course unless it goes on for a while. I just sat there in that "thank god I didn't finger a girl to death" state. Needless to say our sexy time ended right there.
TLDR: I fingered a girl into a seizure. She stops and says it happens sometimes. | She's basically a human fainting goat. |
Obligatory this didn't happen today.
So I (Chris,19M) did something stupid. Because of the Lockdown and shit, I hadn't fucked someone since 3 months, and was low-key feeling desperate and was just looking to smash. Met a girl, let's call her Maria, who was also thinking along the same lines, went on a couple of dates, blah blah blah.
So now, a little backstory. I live with a Housemate. Let's call him Mike. We both have different rooms, and it's a 2 room apartment. He and I go to nearby colleges, and we're good friends. He knows me well, and I know him well. So he likes pranking, and I like pranking too, It's okay, we get along fine.
So anyways, after our last date, I told him I'm probably gonna sleep with this girl in a couple of days.
That's what happens, Maria's in my room, things get hot and steamy, we both haven't had any contact with the other gender since a lot of time, we're making out, clothes come off, and as we start getting down to business, Mike walks in on us in the room.
And the cunt-head doesn't simple walk in. He's wearing baby clothes, has an apron on, he's holding a FUCKING ladle, he has this surprised look on his face, his hair looks like a Wasp Nest, he even has this sort of black smearing on his face, he's holding some lube and a sandwich, and you know what the asshole says? He goes 'Damn it Chris, What's wrong with you? Just as I get down to fulfilling your Fucking Ladle Fantasy (Jesus knows what that means), you go Hetero on me? I thought you swore you were gay?'
I learnt that laughing in such a Scenario isn't a good idea. She thought the laughing gave it away that I was pranking her. In my defence, it was hilarious seeing him like that.
We both are VERY straight, like literally nothing sexual has ever happened before between us, and the MF does this without the slightest HINT of a smile. Well Maria goes ' I KNEW something was off!' and simply leaves the house, even as I try explaining the shit to her. I'm simply standing there, explaining, Naked, that he's lying, but apparently the lube gave it away, and she's sure I'm messing with her, and if I try contacting her again, she'll call the fucking Police.
So that's how Mike ruined a Hook up, and how a girl thinks I'm a pranking bastard. I swore at him for at least half an hour straight, but that doesn't bring the girl back.
To add insult to the injury, he got the idea from Reddit, of all places.
TL;DR: My roommate walked in on a girl and me about to have sex, he convinced her that I was gay, and I'm lonely again.
Edit: Lots of people are saying there are many loopholes in my story. I'll address the main ones.
1. I'm 16: I dunno where y'all got this from. I noticed a post saying that I was 16 in r/teenagers.
I don't use that sub, and didn't notice. My flair over there had been set long ago. Sorry for that. I've changed it now.
2) The baby clothes: Mike is an acting major, and we both are in the Boston area. By baby clothes I meant clothes that babies wear duh.
3) Now I'm pretty sure the comments saying I was gay are jokes, but I'll clarify: I'm straight, sorry for disappointing y'all.
4) I'm a girl. I know where this one stems from. It's a meme I made. Do people not understand that a meme is a fucking MEME for gods sake? This account is a meme account, majorly. You can dig up my profile and find out that I'm a 45 year old women who came from Mars and occasionally lives in the UK and Zimbabwe while attending classes in Boston. I'll clear this. I'm a student, in an Ivy League University, about to turn 20. I'm a straight guy. Same description applies to Mike. He's majoring in theatre, and I'm majoring in Engineering. We both are tall. He's better looking. He's an extrovert, I'm in the middle you could say.
5) This is fake: I dunno, hard to believe, for sure, definitely not fake. I'm pretty sure the homies saying this is fake are all middle aged people or 14 year olds, who have forgotten how wild college was, or dunno yet how wild it is.
6) The lube: I think that it implied anal, since you need lots of lube for that. Thought it was pretty clear. I misjudged the average IQ of this sub. Sorry
7) Immature of us: Glad you realised
8) Yes we both are friends, very close ones at that. I'll clarify. We share a lot of stuff with each other.
9) We prank each other all the time, together prank others, it's a fun life.
10) I asked where he got the idea from. He got it from [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/fn67j/i_hear_my_house_mate_masturbating_should_i_walk/c1h5ruf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
TL:DR: I'm not 16, I'm a straight guy, This is real and fuck you if you think it's not. | Always fun to hear someone say 'I knew it!' when your roommate calls you gay |
Went on a trip with an ex and her two friends. The ex and I hang out whenever practical but she's in med school states away now. Us four had a good start to the weekend, margaritas then a trip to the casino. We won a decent amount and split it between the four of us, and celebrated before going back to the hotel.
We got back, 3 of us were pretty intoxicated and the one was holding back for a sporting event the next day and those three hop in th3 shower. They invite me in and in my drunken state I say "it's too crowded in there, im gonna explore. Brb" and I take my onewheel (electeic skareboard) into a foreign city to me, cruising around till I hit a dip in the road and eat it at 20 mph.
I broke my ankle in three spots, went to the hospital and had my parents pick me up from three hours away, And when the ladies call to check on me the next day, they had me check their snap story where they met Mark Cuban at the rugby game.
TL:DR by turning down 3 ladies in a shower only to severely injure myself and miss out on a chance to meet a billionaire. Damn. | "I don't want to shower with you 3 ladies I would rather get on my onewheel" |
Obligatory: did not happen today, but 13 years ago, but it also ties in to recent events.
I lived with two roommates in a 3 bedroom apartment during college; we’ll call them Ned and Ethan. The three of us became great friends and partook in standard college debauchery, to include pranks. The most common recurring prank was laying-in-wait somewhere in the apartment with an acoustic guitar, ready to bust out Adam Sandler’s At a Medium Pace (google it) at the most unexpected time. (Everyone thinks they’re hilarious in college, I know).
The most common locations for this were the living room closet, under the kitchen table, or some other common area of the apartment. But one night, my dumbass-self decided to kick it up a notch, hide in Ned’s bedroom closet, wait until he was just about to fall asleep, and then hit him with the crass sounds of Adam Sandler on my shitty Washburn 6-string.
Trying this sort of shenanigan on a random college student would be suicide, but Ned was no random college student. Ned was the 6’3” milquetoast soft-hearted teddy bear that all the ladies loved, but none of them would date. Ned would drive 3 hours home every weekend and bring back a casserole that his parents still cooked for him. Ned never talked bad about anyone behind their back, always tried to pick up the tab at the bar, and would be sure that everyone had a sober ride home. In short, Ned was the kid that every quixotic parent wishes their angel would be when they send them off to college. So to me, that meant that whenever Ned shut his door at night, he changed into a neatly pressed set of pajamas, humbly consumed an 8oz glass of tap water, and retired to bed.
So I grabbed my guitar, turned off my bedroom light, shut my door (so that he’d think I had went to bed early), and snuck into Ned’s bedroom to position myself in his closet. It was a reach-in closet with the accordion doors that had the horizontal slats at a 45 degree pitch, [like this](https://cdn.instructables.com/FYA/UC2H/HMVJA37Y/FYAUC2HHMVJA37Y.MEDIUM.jpg). Ned’s bed was on opposite side of the room from the closet, so I’d have an adequate acoustic buffer beween myself and Ned, in case I accidently shifted my weight and made a subtle noise. But directly next to the closet (literally one foot of distance from myself) was Ned’s computer and desk.
Ned came into his room for the evening, shut his door, turned off the light, and sat directly down at his computer. Due to the 45 degree angle of the closet slats, I could see the computer monitor on his desk perfectly from my head level, down to the desk level. The 12 inch proximity of Ned spiked my adrenaline, and I began to control my breathing. My back was pressed against coat hangers, and I had to diligently muffle an acoustic guitar to avoid giving away my position. Ned loaded up his email for some nightly reading, and I had convinced myself that everything was now just a waiting game. ([Artist depiction](https://i.imgur.com/XmLM5Bh.png))
As Ned closed his email though, my gleeful, mischievous anticipation promptly transitioned. Ned did not reach for his glass of water. Ned did not opt for the pajamas. Ned did not leave his desk. Ned reached for a box of tissues, navigated his browser to a site that specialized in anal sex of large black women, and dropped trou.
A million regretful thoughts immediately went through my panicked brain, but it was too late. If I make myself known now, he’d be immensely embarrassed and angry that I had just violated his privacy. But if I *didn’t* speak up now, chances are I’d have to reveal myself after he was done doing the deed at some point, which means he would have rubbed one out while his roommate had a line of sight 12 inches away. So I was just stuck there, frozen, trying to remain motionless and silent, while Ned flogged the dolphin mere inches away. It felt like I was breathing down his neck while he was stroking it.
My hands began to cramp as I awkwardly held the guitar in a way that wouldn’t generate an ounce of noise. My legs began to jitter as I compensated for the awkward position of my back against coat hangers. Seconds turned into minutes and minutes felt like hours as I waited for him to finish, not knowing how the hell I was going to make it out of his room without him noticing.
After Ned’s satisfactory groan of pleasure in tandem with a rhythmic plop-plop-plop-plop onto a Kleenex, it felt like my guilt had transitioned from a misdemeanor to a felony, and my knees were jittering so hard that I had already started rehearsing an apology in my head for when he inevitably heard a noise from his closet.
Ned promptly got into bed on the opposite side of the room, and I had started to evaluate my decision in life, and the real possibility of spending the entire damned night inside of his closet. All critical thinking had revealed zero other courses of action, until I remembered my cell phone was in my pocket. But with two hands stifling an acoustic guitar and zero room to maneuver, how would I get the phone out my pocket? Somehow I did, and I texted Ethan in the next room over:
> foogama: In Ned’s closet. Was trying to do Medium Pace gag. Ned started wanking before I could start. Now I’m stuck in the closet and can’t get out. Need help.
>
> Ethan: LOL right.
>
> foogama: Ethan, I’m dead serious. I need you to help create a distraction for Ned so that I can gtfo of this closet and back into my room without him noticing.
>
> Ethan: …we’re going to need to have a talk later.
Right around then our landline phone rang (yeah, they were still on the tail end of existing in 2005). It was 10:45pm on a Thursday, but I could hear Ethan answering it loudly and obviously: **“HELLO? WHY YES NED IS HERE. IS EVERYTHING OKAY? NED! NED COME HERE, PHONE FOR YOU!”** Ned rolled over in bed, and immediately took the bait. How this never raised suspicion, I’ll never know. It was a cordless phone. There was no need for Ned to walk all the way out of his room to the kitchen. But thank god he did. I bolted out of that closet and retreated back to my room and Ned was none the wiser, as he went to take a phone call that some "stranger" had conveniently disconnected right as he got there.
I was forever in debt to Ethan for saving my ass, and we never told Ned. That is, of course until last weekend, 13 years later, when we were both in Ned’s wedding. There was a fun pre-wedding bachelor activity with the groomsmen where we all had to list something we “found interesting” about Ned and put it into a hat for a groomsmen to pick out of a hat. 4-beers in, I was convinced by Ethan to write “That he enjoys anal sex with large black women” because it would make a fun “bachelor story” over 10 years after the fact.
But of course that’s not what happened. The best man decided it would be more fun to—without warning—switch things up, and swap hats with the maid of honor, so that we’d be reading the bride’s, and they’d be reading Ned’s. And of course, there was a larger black woman as a bridesmaid on the other side of the aisle who just happened to fucking draw that out of the damn hat. I didn’t even know her name. I had actually never even met the bride until the wedding weekend.
The bridesmaid read it aloud, mortified, and tried to brush it off as an intentional joke, targeted at her in poor taste. Ned, however, looked like everyone in the room had just seen him naked. He immediately pulled all of his groomsmen aside, and asked us who had put that into the hat. I immediately confessed, and explained the story from 2005. Ethan and I waited for Ned to chuckle, smirk, or brush it off as a ridiculous moment in history, but apparently it was still too soon. We were both relieved of our ceremonial bible verse reading duties that day and had to go apologize to his bride and the bridesmaid.
**tl;dr – Hid in my roommate’s closet as a prank, watched him jack off to anal porn 12 inches away, kept it a secret for over a decade, and then revealed the information to his bride’s best friends in the most awkward way possible on his wedding day.**
I've since learned my lesson and just don't hide in peoples' bedrooms like an idiot.
EDIT: Thank you all for the gold, comments, and concerns for Ned. Ned is a really great guy and I'm sure we'll be fine.
EDIT 2: I got "Ethan" to create a reddit account and entertain questions. You can [find his comment here](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/7y6bqu/tifu_by_revealing_that_i_had_secretly_hid_in_my/duf2fq4/).
EDIT 3: /u/Nippy_Hades was kind enough to [narrate this entire thing](https://youtu.be/t5ZOslCy71Y?t=14m32s) for your listening pleasure and my eternal remorse.
| The song literally has the line "Stroke my cock at a medium pace" in it, and you decided that him dropping trou was *not* the absolute perfect time to pull the prank?!
You could have been a legend. |
I’ve been smoking weed since I went off to college ~3 years ago. I always thought weed just didn’t have that much of an effect on me other than a little tingly feeling that made me slightly less anxious than I normally am. I’ve had dozens of people tell me “oh you’re not inhaling properly” blah blah. I figured at first I probably wasn’t and had each person I smoked with teach me how to inhale properly. “Take it into your lungs” or whatever. Okay...but every time I breathe in I’m taking air into my lungs right?? So why are we acting like this is something that’s hard to do...yeah I’m a fucking idiot. So I’m watching an episode of Skins (UK) yesterday and one of the characters Effie teaches someone how to smoke. It went something like pull it into your mouth, then breathe deeper and pull it into your lungs. Something just clicked inside my dense little fucking head and I was like OH. That makes sense.
So today I’m supposed to be having a boy over and I’m feeling a bit nervous so I decide to take a couple hits of my oil pen that I’ve been hitting for MONTHS. It’s an indica cart with a high ass THC concentrate but at this point I’m under the impression that I’ve built up tolerance to it. So as I hit it I try the Effie technique (the first explanation that actually made sense to my dumbass) and I coughed so hard I almost threw up. I was like oh shit...this works. So I proceed to hit it three more times like that. Biggest fucking inhales and I felt that shit SIT in my lungs.
FML. Next thing I know I wake up in my bed but I think I’m dreaming. I close my eyes and open them again but I’m still dreaming. I do this about 8 more times until I realize holy shit I’m not dreaming I’m tripping HARD. I literally lost an hour in which I remember nothing, and when I start remembering things nothing felt real. Everything felt like a dream or a simulation. Every time I thought it was over I’d reopen my eyes and lose my shit again. At one point I was sniffing essential oils to try to bring myself back, and at another I destroyed my room looking for something I thought would “save” me (I don’t even remember what). I was convinced I had “switched frequencies” and was now on the wrong “frequency of existence” and couldn’t get back to the “right frequency.” It took me 3 fucking hours to come back to myself and realize I wasn’t going to die. During this time I called my brother, his friend, and my mom who now think I’m losing it. Also the guy that was supposed to come over thinks I’m ghosting him now. And I’m never smoking weed again.
TL;DR: I inhaled properly when smoking for the first time, overestimated my tolerance and had the scariest trip of my life. I lost three hours during which the guy I like was waiting on me to send my address and now he thinks I’m a bitch. And now weed is ruined for me forever
Edit: I hope it’s okay that I edit! A couple things, I went to sleep and feel a lot calmer now, I’m aware my initial post was dramatic. I did not expect to wake up to this! Also, I’m aware I’m an actual idiot for not realizing how to inhale correctly. This is why I posted in this sub, so everyone commenting or messaging me calling me all sorts of names, I know!!! I’m an idiot and all I can do is learn from my mistakes. I’d really only smoked socially before and I’ve learned a lot about smoking from this thread, so thanks to everyone that commented helpful advice! Side note, in my panic I googled what to do and one of the tips was to smell something citrus like essential oil, so that’s why I did that. I don’t remember if it helped, I think maybe for a moment it made things a little bit clearer.
Lastly, I told the guy I got “sick” and he was super understanding; we’ve rescheduled the date. I plan on telling him the whole truth in person. Thanks again to everyone giving advice or sharing similar stories! You’ve made me feel a little less stupid for this fuck up | > I coughed so hard I almost threw up. I was like oh shit...this works. So I proceed to hit it three more times like that.
I love the thought process: "I almost threw up." ... better do that a couple more times just to be sure! LOL |
Forewarning: This is basically going to be a horny teenager story.
About two years ago, after my physical exam, my doctor recommended that I go get an ultrasound on my testicles because he felt a mass. I went to go get an ultrasound and it was a young male doctor and everything was fine. So I thought I knew what to expect.
My parents switched insurance and now I have a different doctor. A few days ago, I went for a physical and my doctor again recommended that I go for an ultrasound. The next day, I went to go get my ultrasound and to my surprise, a young female doctor (probably a resident since she looked 27-30 years old) called my name. She introduced herself and then said, "we're a bit short-staffed so I will be doing the ultrasound today." My heart started racing and I was confused because I expected a male doctor since it was a checkup for my balls and didn't really want to show another female my parts. Honestly, I would have been fine with an older female doctor but the issue with her was that she was very, very, VERY attractive. She was wearing a mask but she had a great face and eyes, small boobs, a slim waist, and a PHAT ass. inb4 all the comments "I dOn'T sEe A pRoBlEm," I'm a virgin male teenager with helicopter parents and ever since coronavirus, I don't get much privacy and probably haven't jacked off in 3 weeks. Now you kinda get the idea of where this is going.
We get into the room and she hands me a towel and instructs me how to use the towel to fold my penis up. The way she enunciated "penis" made my heart race and my head pound. She leaves the room to let me undress and I use the bathroom and see that I have a half-chub. I undress, lay down on the table, and probably went through 5 iterations of how to fold the towel over my dick to hide my half-chub. I'm laying there for a while (probably less than a minute but it seemed like 5 minutes) and reach for my phone and decide to browse Reddit while I wait. Unfortunately, the second post I scroll to is a highly upvoted post on the facefuck subreddit and I instantly go from half chub to full-blown boner. Fantastic! My mind was racing with how to get rid of it. I eventually settle on browsing buildapcsales to try to calm myself. Suddenly... knock knock! I immediately throw my phone to the chair next to me and grab both sides of the towel to pin my boner down.
I look down and could definitely see a bulge but think, "maybe she'll just think I have a massive flaccid dick." My mind wanders to porn mode as she sits down next to me and I start having absolutely ridiculous thoughts like "holy shit! She's going to blow me to help ease my nerves!" which does not help with the boner situation at all. I'm trying to think of the most unhorniest thoughts ever to try to control myself.
She starts by putting the gel on the probe and immediately gets to it. Upon contact, I think "Oh my god, this super hot doctor is touching my balls with a probe" and my boner is literally pulsing under the towel. I'm looking at her and she's mostly looking at her screen and typing so I reassure myself that she probably doesn't notice. "Perfect, she's not even looking at me, I'll just hold the towel down and this will be over with." After a bit of probing, she turns to me and says "now I need to go up your groin area a bit so I'm going to fold the towel up and push everything to the side like this." This all happens in slow motion. I see her hand slowly reaching for the bottom corner of the towel as she gently pries the towel from my death-grip and...... BOINGGGGGG! My fully erect dick springs up and launches the towel off, fully exposing me.
I honestly don't remember her reaction. I frantically looked at her, looked at my dick, quickly grabbed the towel and wrapped up my dick like a burrito, and for the rest of the examination, I laid there with both my hands holding my erect dick back and let her finish the ultrasound. As I'm writing this I realize I didn't even apologize to her. I was dead silent the rest of the time.
Thanks for reading my embarrassing story of the first female to see my fully erect dick. On a more serious note, I was wondering if other people who have gotten an ultrasound on their balls have also had female doctors do the ultrasound. Did you guys talk to the doctor while they were probing your balls? I'm honestly looking to hear more personal accounts from other people so I know what is "normal" and what to expect in the future if I ever have to get my balls checked out again.
TL;DR I went to go get an ultrasound on my balls and did not expect the doctor to be a HOT female doctor. Couldn't control my raging boner and accidentally exposed myself to her.
​
Edit: Thank you everyone so so so so much for the reassurances, personal recounts, and in general positive responses. It makes me feel much better about what happened and what to expect when I go again. I appreciate all the LPT people telling me to flex my legs or a large muscle, I'll keep that in mind for the future. It's funny because she actually told me to flex my abs a few times so maybe she was looking out for me.
To everyone asking about my balls, my balls are fine, thanks for asking! Apparently, they are just so massive and the biggest balls they've ever seen... just playing. They actually don't know what it is or what they've been feeling. Both my doctors felt something but both ultrasounds came back fine so I'm not sure what's going on. I personally can't feel anything but I've also had these balls since I was born and I haven't really noticed anything out of the ordinary.
To everyone saying "Two years ago...coronavirus" and saying I don't have my story straight. I apologize for the confusing timeline. Two years ago, I got the same ultrasound done but with a male doctor. I was just setting the precedent that I thought I knew what to expect. This story happened last week. | >"we're a bit short-staffed..."
Not anymore. |
I like to have some gummy bears at my desk in the morning. Because every day is a good day when you start it with gummy bears. I always offer some to anyone who happens to pass through my office. One person in our office is a vegetarian, I am aware of this. They passed by as another person and I were enjoying gummy bears, I quickly began to offer them one and then halfway through my offer I was like "oh sorry, right! You won't want these!"
They responded with "Why wouldn't I?! I love gummy bears!" I stared awkwardly for a moment before responding with "well, they have beef gelatin in them."
Them: "what do you mean beef gelatin? Why would they use that instead of regular gelatin?"
Me: "I thought all gelatin came from animals."
Them: "are you serious? You aren't serious right? I love gummy bears. My kid and I eat them together all the time." (kid is vegetarian as well)
Me (now panicking): "I think I am. I don't know. Maybe you're right! I'm
sorry! You're welcome to have some, but the label definitely specifies beef gelatin."
They now eye my gummy bears with a strange expression of disbelief, longing, anger, and disgust. I swear I could see them going through the stages of grief because I know how sad I would be if gummy bears were ruined for me. So TIFU by shattering a vegetarian's blissfully ignorant love of gummy bears.
TL;DR TIFU by informing a vegetarian who loves gummy bears that gelatin comes from animals, thus ruining gummy bears for them (and subsequently their child)
Edit: omg. Front page. All you guys are awesome! And I'm learning so much! I just want to clarify a couple of items. First, this coworker of mine isn't preachy at all or anything. I just happen to know their choice and respect it, I have no idea if it's for health or ethical or sensory reasons or whatever. Second, my understanding is that their child chooses to also follow a vegetarian diet but is encouraged to try anything they want, so no forced vegetarianism on the child (Yay!). I'm excited about all the dialogue. And feeling a little drunk on the power of knowledge. But pretty please don't bash my co-worker for their dietary choices because, ultimately, it is their choice :)...and they don't judge me for eating candy for breakfast. Thanks Reddit world!
Edit2: formatting (thank you to the user who showed me the way. Hopefully it's a bit better now). Also, thank you for the awards!! But! It they are costing you money, please donate said money to a charity near you that feeds hungry people. Or buy a vegetarian friend a bag of vegetarian friendly gummy bears! | Fun fact: Swedish fish and sour patch kids are both vegan
Edit: in summary Oreos are also vegan, in some countries these candies aren't vegan, and candy is bad for you due to the obvious reasons and also "chemicals" |
Five Years ago, there was this cute girl, in my tennis club. She was very shy and would barely talk.
Her Bestfriend kept telling me that she likes me, but I never believed her, and since the girl would always avoid talking to me I didn't even bother to make a move.
We were at a summer camp, making origamis.
She then nervously came up to me, and handed me an origami and said here I made this one for you.
Didn't think much of it, now 5 years later I still have this Origami on my night desk. I'm going to move out in a few days, I was packing my stuff, I saw the Origami on the night shelve and picked it up.
I noticed a little writing on the inside of the Origami.
I didn't want to spoil the Origami, but I eventually did.
It was actually a little note. It said I really like your freckles, and you're very kind below was her number. Now I do feel very very dumb, not really because I missed the chance, but because she must have thought all this time that I ignored her etc.
We still follow eachother on instagram, but Idk if I should hit her up.
I just want to punch my face into the wall,
I missed such a great opportunity, should have listened to her friend :/
Btw I'm 22 rn I'm not quite sure how old she ist but I think 20-21.
TL:DR
*UPDATE*
It's currently 11 o'clock. I send her a message on Instagram, she replied. We chatted for a bit, and then it was sort of awkard, I explained to her how I just found the message, and that I thought it was a nice gesture. Surprisingly she was quite ecxited and happy, didn't expected that.
She immediately asked me, If I wanted to get coffe today at around 17 o'clock.
I'm not sure If I'll be able to go today, since I'm still at the hospital, and they're taking soo long, but if I do I'll definitely keep you guys updated on how it went.
(Plus, Never realized how much of an impact a compliment could have, personnaly I never liked my freckles, since they basically cover my whole face, and I never met someone who liked them either. Knowing that someone thinks they look good honestly made my day. Just wanted to share)
*UPDATE*
We met an hour earlier than expected, luckily I got out of hospital in time. The weather was nice, so we decided to meet at the parc, and bought Iced coffe.
While I was texting with her a few hours prior, she sounded really confident etc, but when I met her, she was still super shy.
She was very nice, but yeah didn't talk much.
A few hours In she did start to open up a bit and get talkative.
We went to an Asian resturant, ( All you can eat).
And damn I must say, she really took All you can eat to another level, she understood the assignment, and was out there trying every dish, I think the waitresses where on the edge of kicking us out lol.
Afterwards, she didn't seem shy anymore, we went over to my place, and y'all I honestly need to shit so bad, but I can't. Anyways we're currently watching a movie, and her head is on my shoulder, that's a good sign I guess. I need to put my phone away now.
Btw her Bestfriend texted me saying I told ya, didn't I? | HIT. HER. UP.
And share updates please!
I wanna know how it goes.
Edit:
Hell yes OP! You are the man! Congratulations on your new romance!
Thanks for the update!
Love it, love it, loooooooove it |
So I’ve been seeing seeing this girl for almost 6 months now. She’s super terrific to me, and I really think things are going better than they’ve gone in my most recent relationships. We met on Tinder! I personally deleted Tinder two weeks after meeting her because I was that into her. She told me she did the same about two weeks after that. However, a recent Instagram post notified me that she had a tumblr account. Figured I’d look at it, because we had each other on other social media’s (and I was curious)
BIG MISTAKE
She’s got a substantial amount of followers and notes, but I’ve noticed all she talks about is her ex and how she’s in love with him, and other Tinder guys she’s gone on dates with. We started playing video games together recently, and I’ve just found out that her interest in them came from a guy she just spent last weekend with.
She has no idea I know any of this information, and I’m too into her to say anything. Please help! What do I do?
TL;DR Girlfriend I’m basically in love with has a Tumblr talking about her recent tinder dates and undying love for her ex and she doesn’t know I know | The girl you love and the girl you're with are not the same person. one lives only in your head, and the other is treating you poorly. Saying nothing won't change that, and you can't force your fantasy girl to become reality.
It's time to gather your strength and go. Care enough about yourself and your personal worth to know that you deserve far better than that. |
Obligatory this didn't happen today, it happened last summer. Newly obligatory this will not end in incest. I didn't accidentally eat out my cousin or half-sister or whatever dumbass erotica you're all posting lately. Obligatory TL;DR at bottom.
​
It's a perfect summer night in 2018. I'm leaving a job that I hate with my life, freshly broken up with, ready to throw on my leather and fuck anyone in arm's reach. I turn up to my local watering hole right before 1 AM, toss back a couple beers and post up, alone, on the outskirts of the main bar.
​
Last call rings out, the bar is mobbed. I lock eyes with a moderately attractive girl (MAG) who approaches me shortly after. She's equal parts drunk/horny, and does not hesitate to let me know. She's celebrating a friend's birthday with a squad of girls, one of whom sidles up to us and starts hitting on me hard.
​
MAG is totally fine with this, and the friend would land on the higher end of the BMI chart, leading me to believe I'm being hit with a bait and switch. They SWIFTLY disprove that theory by literally asking if I "want both" of them. Worth noting that this is the only time I've been anywhere near a threesome, before or since, so I jumped at the chance.
​
Next thing I know, we're in a cab on the way back to whoever's house the birthday pregame was. There is alcohol EVERYWHERE. They're feeding me shots/cold buffalo chicken dip like it's my last day on earth. Some girl is crying on the couch.
​
My drunk ass picks up the signal that an ex-boyfriend is the cause of this girl's sorrow. Having been recently broken up with, I know exactly where her head is at. Having done far too many shots, I am not scared to console this crying stranger. Soon I will be the Advice Champion, and fuck every girl in the house.
​
I launch into my speech, hitting every point she so desperately needs to hear:
* You're so much better than him.
* He *OBVIOUSLY* doesn't deserve you.
* You'll look back and laugh at this in a month.
​
I'm now starting to notice that the cheers and applause I was waiting for are actually all death stares, even a few dropped jaws. As it turns out, this girl's boyfriend didn't break up with her.
​
No, he fucking ***DIED.***
​
The guy died in a car accident and I'm telling her she'll be laughing about it in a month. Nobody fucked anybody that night.
​
**TL;DR:** I was invited back to a girl's house for a threesome, got very drunk and tried to console a girl crying over her ex-boyfriend that she's better than him, etc. He didn't break up with her, he fucking died. | >nobody fucked anybody that night
That’s clearly untrue, you fucked yourself. |
Here we go. This happened yesterday in university.
So, I wake up at 7 and I have two mid-term internal class tests from 8:30 to 9:30 and another from 9:30 to 10:30.
I brush my teeth and take a bath and go to my room to get dressed. As I am drying myself I pick up the phone to check time and it’s only 7:20 yet and I have good 30 minutes as breakfast plus travel only takes 40 minutes from my home to university and I haven’t had a good release since a week.
I take my phone, sit on my bed, scratch my balls while searching PornHub. I take my time and find some videos and start doing my own rhythm. I am all into it and realise I have only 5 more minutes left. I give myself the dopamine and get dressed in a hurry.
I reach university and the examination hall is already full. Here (India) you can only take your stationary, water bottle, calculator (scientific not programmable) and your Exam Registration. I take my stuff and enter the classroom.
The invigilator signs me in and hands me the answer sheet and question paper. I go to my desk and as I am fumbling around for my pen, my hand senses the phone in my left pocket. I lose my shit and get all tensed up.
I try to keep calm and switch it to Silent Mode and tell myself if I act normally I won’t get caught with it and will probably not get into any trouble.
Soon after the Unfair Means Squad (They check if you have something to cheat) enter the class and go around checking for books or questionable stuff. I keep my head down and act like I have nothing.
One of the female professors lands next to me and tells me to get up. I start sweating and I almost shit my pants. She tells me to empty my pockets and I take everything out and put it on the desk.
She stares at me and picks up my phone.
“You seem like a studious one. Why are you cheating?” She said.
“I am not. It’s an honest mistake.”
Then she asks me to unlock it so that she can check if I have any PDF or Browser open and says that if she finds nothing, she’ll let me go.
My heart finally stops powering a jet and I place my finger over the fingerprint and it opens.
My heart now starts powering a rocket as I recognise the black screen with a buffer between it. The video paused. There’s nothing on the screen though. No image or thumbnail.
“Cheating from a video?” She says and she clicks play button on the bottom left.
There it is. Dani Daniels and Manuel Ferrara going at it. The sound of Dani Daniels screaming like a cat being strangled echoes through out the hall.
The professor dropped my phone and had a face as if I was masturbating in front of her.
Now I have failed Computational Mathematics and have to give a written apology to the Dean of Academics and Convenor of Examination.
Anyway, one girl who was sitting somewhere around me asked which porn was it. Had to send the link.
TL;DR : I forgot to close my porn window after masturbating. Accidentally took my phone to the examination hall where it wasn’t allowed and thr professor caught me. She checked the phone and the porn plays at full volume in the hall with 70 people sitting in it.
Edit :
1. For the people who think this is fake. It is not.
2. For people who are saying why was I failed and now need to produce an apology one even though I wasn’t cheating - It is because in India these things are taken very seriously and even small stupid things are grounds for detention and lawful action. Also, I only need to apologise for the phone and not for the porn.
3. The porn was Manuel Ferrara and Dani Daniels, they don’t have much together. You will easily get it with one search on PornHub. If I may suggest something much more better, please try Manuel Ferrara and The Goddess Remy LaCroix. The video starts with them talking about cup or something. That also is easily available.
4. About the girl who asked for the link.
I was standing outside the hall for the invigilator to take me to the office of the convenor of examination for further process and boy was she taking her time.
The girl must have finished her paper soon and left the hall. As she came outside she asked me why did I bring a phone to the exam and even if I did, I could have just reported it and handed it over to the invigilator and collected it after the exam. I said I could have but my I couldn’t think at that time and was afraid.
After that the invigilator told me to report to the office without her. The girl accompanied me to the admin office. I accepted my fault, signed the confiscation receipt and collected my phone.
It was switched off so turned it on and she just casually was a peeking at it from the side. She asked to show me what was the video while giggling and I thought what the heck and showed it to her for a split second and then closed it. She started laughing and told me I am weird and then casually asked to send her the link. Then while we walked to the cafeteria, she told me she was my senior and was the co-mentor for my yearly project the previous year. She remembered my name and my Department. Then we parted ways.
For fuck's sake, she is cute. Stop telling me to pursue her. I have another exam later. Maybe will meet her there.
The Indian people here obviously understand why such strict action was taken against me.
Edit 2: Man I have been reading the comments and you bastards are funny as fuck. I have bee quite depressed since a few weeks and this cheered me up good.
Thanks for whoever sent the silver and gold. I haven't figured out what to do with them anyway.
Edit 3: Invigilator is an actual word people and we use it all the time. In fact, that is the word for Exam Proctor here in India borrowed down from the time when we had a case of Britishers.
Thanks for the Gold and Silver again. Open some sort of privileged Sub-Reddits I think. | You failed because the woman pushed a button on your phone and saw porn and proved you WEREN'T cheating!? That's super harsh! |
TIFU – I took a bathroom break during a date
So this happened over 10 years ago but still gets me nauseated when I think about it
I just started college and was on a full scholarship after working hard and completing many interviews and references to get this highly competitive scholarship.
In one of my classes the was a stunningly beautiful woman who came to me asking questions all the time about the course we're on and we also end up being study partners in some group tasks. I was very much attracted to her and she seemed to enjoy my company so one day I asked her out for dinner date and to my delight she accepted.
Being a poor college kid, I did not have much money, but I did not want to go to a horrible chain restaurant, so I booked restaurant in the next town that had decent reviews but hopefully was not overly expensive. The dinner was going well we were having a very animated conversation and the food was very good. The restaurant was almost empty but and other large group people on the other side of the restaurant. But I was a bit nervous on how much the bill will be and did not want to get caught being not able to pay the bill but alas this was the least of my problems to come.
In the restaurant a group of people were on the other side of the restaurant had one uncontrolled child approx. three or four years old running around unsupervised. The waitress was getting really upset with him and the group as he was disturbing other tables and pulling cutlery from other tables and the parents didn't seem to be concerned with his behavior. But he wasn't really disturbing me as I was having a great time with my date and I ignored the antics of the child.
My date and I ordered dessert and I excused myself to go to the bathroom, while in the bathroom I could hear the small child making motorbike noises running around in the bathroom for a few seconds before exiting. I didn't see him as I was facing the urinal, and he had left by the time I turned around to wash my hands. I proceeded back to my table when dessert had just been served. During dessert, my date commented that the other table were the child belongs to seemed to be staring at us in a funny way. My back was to them, but again I was having a great time and did not care if another group was staring at us or not.
After we finished dessert, I was surprised to see the restaurant lit up with the blue and red lights of a police car. A lady from the other table in which I now know is the mother of the child went out and met with the officers and then led them to my table and pointed to me and stared "here is the man that assaulted my son."
I was completely shocked! I told the child's mother that I had absolutely nothing to do with her son and never spoken or touched him. She told in the offices that I exposed myself to him while he was in the bathroom. She explained to the police that her son said to her “I saw that man’s wee”, when I walked past their table from the bathroom. There were two police officers one male one female officer, the male officer led me outside for more questioning female stayed inside talking to the mother.
I explained to the police that I when I went to the bathroom, I heard the kid come into the bathroom for a few seconds, but I didn't see him, and he was gone by the time I washed my hands. I never spoke to him or talked to him or even look at him in the bathroom, the police officer took notes, and the female officer came out and advised I was under arrest and they will take me to the police station for further investigation. The mother out the front of restaurant is yelling at me that I was a pervert and I need to be locked up.
My date made a brief statement to the police. She ended up paying and catching a cab home and I got a free ride to the police station.
At the police station the officer advised that according to the mother, the child uses the word “wee” as a euphemism for penis and the mother have made a formal complaint that I exposed my penis to the child while I was in the bathroom. I gave my own statement advising that I was “weeing” in the bathroom, the mother was not there and yes the child must of seen my back whilst I was urinating as that's what I was doing in the toilet at the time- there was no way he saw my penis in the few seconds when he ran in unsupervised and out. Nevertheless, the police charged me with indecent exposure to a child under 12.
This being a small town I got locked up for the weekend because there was no judge available to grant bail on the weekend. I rang my father explaining the situation and he arranged lawyer to appear with me on Monday. I basically had no sleep for 2 1/2 days in the lockup and I was still wearing my restaurant clothes for my Monday court appearance. My lawyer petitioned the judge for the charges to be dropped as if we locked up everyone who went to a public bathroom in the presence of someone under the age of 12 then we would have to lock up the whole country. The judge agreed and the charges were dropped, and I could go home.
But the damage had been done, my date told her girlfriends what happened as if she was the victim of a horror date and then her friends who then told the whole college that I exposed myself to young children. The next day everyone was staring me in class some people coming up to me asking what happened some people no longer go near me or talk to me as the rumor mill was on fire. My date never spoke to me again.
2 weeks later I had to front the college board and had to defend an honor code violation as my scholarship was now in jeopardy. Though cleared this incident hung like a dark cloud over my time in college being a social outcast and severely curtailed my social and professional life in my early 20’s not to mention having a hefty legal bill being sent to my parents.
Tl;DR– I got arrested for indecent exposure just for urinating in a restaurant bathroom | I would be seriously considering my options to sue for future losses/emotional damage, because as mentioned in your last few paragraphs, it can kill your future through no fault of your own. |
I am on a work trip that will last about 3.5 months. At this time, I will be away from my wife and we will both be not having sex until i come home (sometime in December). It is also important to state that I have some heart issues and am currently on blood thinners.
I want to prep to have some mind blowing sex when I come home, so I have been "training" to hold my orgasm.
Over the weekend i had to make a long drive and didn't have time to give it a wank. Today was the first time since thursday (4 days) with no wank.
I went to the bathroom to do the deed and decided to lay in the filled tub while doing it.
After edging for 55 minutes, I crossed the point of no return. I could feel an immense pressure build up, and I inadvertently aimed my rifle at myself.
The pressure from no wanks and the edging turned my first part of the load into a mach 1 projectile. This projectile shot right to my eye, and I literally gave myself a facial. But then it got worse - my eye started burning and I could feel my contact fold into my eye lid.
I panicked to get out of the tub to a towel, and ended up slipping on the tile and whacking my head on the edge of the tub. The next moment I am laying on the ground, dried cum on my face and eye, and something sticky on my head.
From whacking my head on the tub, i cracked my head open and there was blood everywhere. I could still feel the blood wet on the back of my head and I felt sticky all over. Then suddenly I was getting very dizzy. I crawled out of my room and pounded on my door asking for help.
Next time I woke up, I was in an ambulance heading to the hospital. One of the service maids heard me pounding on the door and opened the door to see me naked and covered in blood and she called 911 (according to the EMTs).
The EMT said I was lucky I made it to the door, since I was losing alot of blood still (there was a small pool by the door). He also said he "cleaned up the blood and other secretions from my face."
So here I am, leaving the hospital, knowing that the hotel staff and paramedics saw me covered in blood after giving myself a facial.
TLDR: edged too hard, rubbed it out, blasted eye with cum and slipped on tile floor trying to get a towel.hit head and almost died of blood loss due to blood thinners.
Sorry if this is ramble-y, I am very much so mentally lost from the crazy ride today.
EDIT #1: hey guys, I talked to my boss and he is sending someone out to relieve me from work for a month. I was told to work remotely at home while I rest and recover.
To the people asking for pictures of my head, I'll have my wife take pictures when I am home. I am actually worried she will see this post and connect the dots as she is a redditor (but does not frequent this subreddit) and I didn't expect this to blow up. But I like to live dangerously, so the show will go on. | It's all fun and games until someone gets jizzed in the eye, get their contacts folded in and hit their head on the tiles |
It all started 23 years ago when my horny ass 13 year old self was riding his bike and stumbled across a beat up VHS tape. Upon further inspection it turned out to be a porno and I thought I hit the jackpot! The only problem is the case was broken and my VHS player didnt want to play it...FUCK! I learned a lot about VHS tapes that day and that if you are careful you can transplant that tape into the case of an advertisment VHS tape for crash bandicoot I had received because I was cool and subscribed to nintendo power. Damn Im a genius! It was fappin time and I went to town. It was the perfect hiding spot too! Nobody suspected a thing but eventually I got the internet and the VHS tapes got put in a box and forgotten about. Fast forward to now and my mom is a volunteer driver for people that need rides to the hospital. This job allows here to interact with many types of people. She meets this sweet lady that fosters kids and mentions she has a ton of old VHS tapes the kids might enjoy. 1 week after my mom gives her the tapes the lady calls my mom back and is furious. She had put the Crash Bandicoot tape on and started making dinner in the next room. Those kids learned a few new things about life that day. As you would expect my mom called me very confused and I had to akwardly explain to her how my horny adolescent ingenuity caused this to happen over 2 decades ago.
tl;dr my adolescent self disguised porn as a video game cartoon which was accidently shown to foster kids over 2 decades later | She should explain to the kids, that's how you get Bandicooties. |
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
So a little background: My current gf and I have been together for about 2 months and things have been going great. Before her I was a virgin, she's slept with a couple guys, not a big deal, blah blah blah. Obviously because the relationship is pretty new, we're still learning about what the other likes sexually, and I'm learning everything for the first time. Long story short, it came up that she likes dirty talk during sex. I said I was down to give it a shot, but deep down inside I knew that I had no idea what I would be doing and would kind of be winging it. Last weekend we went out for drinks, hormones started flying, and we decided it was time to wrap the night up, so we went back to her place. So we're getting it on, drunkenly fumbling and slobbering, but we're wasted so it's fine. She's telling me about how wet she is and all the things she wants me to do to her...all the nasty stuff.
She kind of rambled for a bit, and I was feeling a bit of pressure to chime in, because surely she'd run out of material soon. The rum is swooshing through my veins at this point, making me feel much more comfortable than I normally do. This is all new territory for me, but I'm feeling adventurous tonight, a bit like Christopher Columbus, and she's what I think is India. So I decide to talk dirty. Her monologue was cycling back to her being wet, and like a hungry cheetah, I figure this is the perfect time to strike. And that's when I cleverly decided to ask if I make her "moister than an oyster".
Her face fell. It's hard to describe the mixture of despair and drunken hopelessness that spilled across her face. I went from being a cunning cheetah pouncing on a wounded antelope, to being a cheetah that tried pouncing but tripped over a log and broke its neck in the process. I've been wondering how I could have fucked up such an easy moment, but nothing can explain it. We approach this next weekend, and we've talked twice since then. I don't think I'll be redeeming myself anytime soon.
TLDR: I decided to be sexy and asked my gf if I made her moister than an oyster. She doesn't think oysters are sexy. | Oh man. I am saving that one for the wife. She'll die laughing so hard lmao. Awesome man. |
Okay, granted this actually happened around 23 years ago, I just remembered it this morning.
When I was around five I made this new friend, let's call him Tim, who had the coolest stuff. I would go to his house to play and we were becoming pretty good friends. His house was awesome. His dad had a sweet computer we could use with games, and he just happened to have this HUGE glass container filled with some really dope marbles.
So one day we bust out the marbles and start rolling them into each other, as you do, and everything is going normally. Just two normal kids playing with marbles. We were playing with a whole set of different colours, patterns and sizes. There were gigantic ones and tiny little ones. Unfortunately the marbles began to induce a kind of childlike creativity they didn't deserve.
To us, being five year olds in the late 90s, asses and toilet humour were some of the funniest things you could conceive. Somehow a connection was made between those smooth-ass marbles and our smooth-ass asses. A simple connection but one that would come with repercussions.
An idea was conceptulised and there was no turning around. We thought it would be hilarious to put a marble right up inside one of our tiny little asses.
Thankfully it wasn't mine...
After much of a struggle Tim managed to squeeze a small marble into himself and upon realising it wouldn't come back out, began bawling his eyes out, having to be driven to the hospital by his mum to have the said marble removed from his anus.
Needless to say, I got in a LOT of shit. I was banned from ever going around to Tim's house again and I don't remember ever seeing him again to be honest.
TL;DR: Today (around 23 years ago) I lost a friend, and my friend lost a marble | >my friend lost a marble
But don't you see, he didn't lose it.
The marble was inside him all along. |
Holy shit Reddit, get off my ass because this is a real bummer. ;)
This happened two weeks ago, I’ve just left hospital but have to spend the next three months (at least) on my stomach in bed. I’m planning on using that time to ~~learn a new language~~ look at memes.
**Marked NSFW because I’ll link a photo of the burn on my ass in my tl:dr below.**
I’ve been a paraplegic since a military accident in 2004. I’ve always lived independently and taken very good care of myself and my ass because sitting-pressure plus lack of sensation, and decreased blood flow in paralysed areas can cause pressure sores that never heal, and I like to be as active as possible.
So I check my skin every day with a mirror or phone camera (belfie), change position, lift myself to allow blood flow etc. I spent a lot of time in hospital following my initial injury and saw guys living with open weaping sores that never heal, it terrified me (search for “pressure sore paraplegic” if you enjoy being disgusted) and I’m proud to say I’ve never had a pressure sore because I’m so careful, despite skiing, kayaking, and even paragliding still.
Basically I’m a dumbass with a numbass, but I look after it... normally.
I had an *open-book* pelvic fracture when I was hurt back in 2004, and quite a few other problems at the same time so they put me back together in a bit of a rush whilst idk ... resuscitating me and stuff. My pelvis is now tilted down to one side, when I sit it’s considerably lower and bears all the weight. The leg on that side looks 3 inches longer than the other.
As I sat in my car for a three-hour drive home that side of my pelvis must have been pushing directly onto the heated element within the seat. Even though it wasn’t hot enough to burn immediately, I suffered a “low-heat” burn after three hours. Which is *way* worse than it sounds.
I could feel the heat on my lumbar region and never thought it would be able to burn me, I even turned the heat to the low setting to be careful.
That night I checked my skin and found my worst nightmare. Which got worse. What initially looked superficial developed a softball sized blister overnight that burst to show something looking like an effect from the walking dead.
Two weeks later and the first layers of dead tissue are starting to lift, the skin is healing. Now I just have to worry about osteomyelitis.
**TL;DR** An injury 15 years ago messed up my pelvis so badly that when I drive it pushes directly into a heating element in my new car’s seats. A three hour long drive burned my ass as a result (possibly bone) and I’ll be spending 3 months it so laying on my stomach while it heals.
NSFW link to pics of my skinny, burnt ass:
24hrs later right after the blister burst:
https://imgur.com/a/DE5eh17
Two weeks later with healing and necrosis:
https://imgur.com/a/bvOJYBP
*Edit:* The bum burning car is a **2019 Ford Focus Active X**, UK model.
I’m sorry some of you clicked the pic links expecting to see a girl’s ass but feel that’s a lesson you needed to learn. I’m happy so many people have seen my ass though, am I a “thot” now? | I looked at the first pic and thought "Oh that doesn't look bad at all". Then I opened the second one an "Holy crap, sweet mother of Jesus!"
Get better soon mate! |
This happened almost 15 years ago, and came back to bite me today, which is why it's a TIFU:
My wife loves Christmas songs, and she looooves to sing them. 15 Years ago, we were on a holiday car ride and she decided to pass the time by singing "The Christmas Song" over, and over again, and me being me decided to fuck with her just to be funny.
When she got to "Jack Frost nipping at your nose", I blanched and asked her why she was singing THAT song, in an absolutely mortified voice.
When she looked confused, I feigned surprise that she was unaware of her faux pas and proceeded to inform her that like many a Grimm's Fairy Tale, Christmas songs often have a dark past and that "Jack Frost" was the name of a mental patient from the 20's who broke out of an Asylum during a Christmas break and went around devouring faces, particularly noses, to which he had acquired a taste for.
She bought it hook, line, and sinker. She was shocked, horrified that people would sing about it, and we talked about it for the duration of the ride, Jack Frost's antics growing darker and darker as the miles flew by.
Fast-forward to this morning: I'm in a good mood, it's super snowy, and I have snow-blow the driveway. As I'm getting dressed, I start singing "The Christmas song" and she chastises me in a teasing voice.
I had NO idea what she was talking about. She then confides that Jack Frost, the serial nose biter had forever ruined that song for her, and she can no longer stand it.
I laugh and explain that I was teasing that day, and I honestly didn't think she believed me.
She got mad. MAD mad.
Apparently, this has been her go-to-fact during the holidays, and for the last 15 years has shared this dark and gruesome tidbit with anyone who would listen. I guess a sea of confused and disbelieving looks and a flashback of people staring at her as if SHE were a nose biter came back to haunt her as the lie she had been spreading for years came back in a moment of dawning comprehension.
She's mad and a little hurt, and I am apparently the King of Lies who is never to be trusted again.
TL;DR - I told my wife that a Christmas song was about a serial face eater, and she spread that gospel like it was handed down on a stone tablet.
*edited a word that spellcheck didn't like - ALSO, thank you for all the awards, well wishes, and what not. She's forgiven me, feels stupid, and now...I have to explain to her what Reddit is, and how this is my top submission, so I'm not out of the doghouse yet.*
*Next Morning EDIT: All is well. She loves me, should have expected this from me as I have a tendency to lean towards mischief, and even laughed about Reddit AND Newsweek. All is good, there will be no divorce, I'm sorry that I'm basically Satan from the small group of you requesting that I kill myself for a good-natured teasing, and those of you who claim that you'd never marry me because I'm a manipulative asshole, you've never seen me dance. You would. You SO would.* | If my SO told me this sorta thing my natural curiosities would have had me doing more research into it and guaranteed by now there would have been a movie or 2 made |
*Some kid on TikTok stole my story - no it’s not me - Ive called him out*
Obligatory didn’t happen today - happened in 2000. I was 12. My mom was annoyed at my brother (2.5 yrs younger than me) for some reason and me being ever helpful decided that I would take care of the situation, so for Mother’s Day I decided the best course of action would be to just get rid of him.
I posted my brother on eBay & after a few days and several bids I managed to sell him to someone in Taiwan for $17.
Don’t ask me how in the hell I managed to do this and not get it taken down - looking back I can’t make sense of it.
So once I sold him I then was faced with a thought that hadn’t crossed my 12 year old mind - how am I going to ship him?? So I ignored it because according to the internet what I did was illegal. And what better way to make something go away than to just ignore it?
2 weeks later I’m thinking I’m in the clear because I just stopped getting on eBay and again my 12 year old brain thinks nobody knows me and I’ll never have to think about this again (what’s an IP address?!) until my family and I are eating dinner and there’s a knock at the front door. I instantly got nervous because nobody uses that door so it must be serious or someone we don’t know.
My dad comes back into the kitchen a few minutes later and tells my brother to go to his room.. and for me to follow my dad. I walk into the family room to have a seat in front of two state police and the states version of FBI.
eBay reported me to the state police & my IP address was acquired - they were not however expecting a 12 year old girl to walk into the room as their culprit.
I got a slap on the wrist & a formal ban from eBay until I was 18 - and a very very long talk from the feds about what I had done.
EDIT: this seems to cause some confusion - when I say FEDs, it was the states computer crime task force (federally funded department)
EDIT 2: I fessed up immediately- my parents were questioned of course but I showed the computer crimes people what I did & took full responsibility.
TL;DR when I was 12 I sold little brother on eBay, didn’t know how to ship him. Ignored it. FEDs showed up & got banned from eBay. | This is amazing. Whenever your brother is being a dick you can tell him you're going to tell the dude that bought him where he is. |
So I just started in this company a few weeks back. I'm your typical shy person that in the first few weeks doesn't say much and really needs some time to get comfortable with the new situation and new people. Starting this job it was no different.
Now, a few weeks later I'm starting to feel comfortable around everyone and also starting to make jokes and joining non-work related discussions between co-workers. Somehow we landed on the topic of old diseases that nowadays barely occur. My manager named a few and I said that the ones she mentioned actually still exist in other less developed parts of the world.
Then I jokingly said, 'And nowadays you don't know, with the rise of brain dead anti-vaxx moms we might be again introduced to all kinds of weird and ancient diseases.' ...
My co-workers all cracked a laugh, but the look on my managers face said it all and there was instant regret from my side. She raised her voice and started firing questions asking anti-vaxx moms are brain dead, rambling about the vaccines being the cause of autism and the pharma industry is trying to control the mind and body of her coming baby. It was one blasting tirade, about how she is woke and shit.
I guess the coming year will be one really interesting one for me.
**TL:DR** Joked about anti-vaxx moms in front of my manager who is pregnant, and apparently supports the anti-vaxx movement. Tension on the workplace ever since have been, so to call, quite high. | Look on the bright side. Since you’re vaccinated you can blame the joke on your autism. |
I'm a dude. I got a little carried away with personal grooming time. My usual mindset is along the lines of "trim the grass but don't scorch the earth," and I'm not really into body shaving. But I had the brilliant idea that maybe a non-hairy butt might be something nice to explore, so on a whim, I decided to give it a go.
I failed to take into consideration what a massive undertaking this would turn out to be. Even if you're normal-sized, your butt is bigger than you think. It's not like shaving your face, where there's a relatively small amount of surface that needs actual shaving. A butt represents a decent-sized parcel of real estate. And even if you're not super hairy, the hair is probably widespread, which means you probably have to shave the whole thing.
With my face, I get maybe two or three swipes of the razor before I have to rinse off the blade. With my butt, as it turns out, I get about half a swipe before the razor is full. And I mean full in a "rinse it off, oops that didn't work, I guess I'm going to have to swipe backward against a washcloth or towel and then rinse it off some more" kind of a way. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to throw out this washcloth because even after washing it, it still has the appearance of my grandparents' shag carpet.
Also, even if you're flexible, your butt's kind of difficultly positioned and awkward to reach. I had to keep reminding myself which way I was going, and at some point, I developed a very real fear that I was accidentally going to do a sideways swipe instead of a vertical swipe, which would disastrous for obvious reasons.
Then, at some point, you have to make a decision: Am I only shaving the outside? Or do I go, uh, between the pages? In my ongoing brilliance, I decided that shaving just the outer cheeks would only serve to make the inside appear that much hairier, so I parted the fold and continued inward. This, it turns out, is a different undertaking altogether. Skin that never sees the light of day is, understandably, much more sensitive. Also, by this time I was sweating from nervousness, and it helps nothing to also now have the potential for losing my grip on the razor.
It took probably 45 minutes altogether, and by the time I finished this somewhat harrowing project, I was feeling pretty accomplished.
I wasn't done, however, with my string of bad decisions. Aftershave was a terrible, horrible idea. I only had a minute or two of enjoying my nice, smooth butt before I decided something along the lines of, "Now let's make this smooth skin feel like someone set it on fire." It took a solid half-hour for the burning sensation to subside. And by then, there was no real enjoyment over my achievement, just a relief that my ass no longer felt ablaze.
And that brings us to the final experience, which is the ongoing consequence of this particular grooming experiment. You know how each of us sort of learns the best way to position yourself so you can stifle a fart? Shaving your butt changes all of that drastically. You will never fart quietly with a shaved butt, and I do mean never. About an hour or so after I had finished, I dropped a normal-sized fart without really thinking about it. The sound visibly startled me. It was like someone fired a machine gun in an echo chamber. Anyone within earshot will clearly hear the unmistakable sound of your butt cheeks slapping against each other. And without hair to provide an easy exit, you will feel the little gas bubbles as they slowly work their way up your butt crack, like the carbonation bubbles on a Sprite that you've poured into a glass. Every fart since then has been a very similar experience, and I now suspect this will continue until the hair grows back.
I guess it was worth doing in the sense of, "Well, now I know what that's like." But I can't say I recommend the experience, and I'm certainly never planning to do it again.
TL;DR Shaved my butt. Was difficult. Used aftershave, which set my ass on fire. Can never fart silently again.
Edit: To those of you sending me private messages, I am 100% not going to send you a photo of my butt. I'm flattered, but it's not happening. Not even for "science" or for "education." My story in text form is as far as I'm willing to go. You all are hilarious, though!
Edit 2: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
Final Edit: I can't even begin to thank you all for the ridiculous amount of awards, comments, messages, and hilarity. This has been the highlight of my 7 years on Reddit. You all are the best! | Just wait until you experience butt stubble... I’d imagine it’ll be quite unpleasant. |
Im still chuckling at this even though it’s kinda fucked up. Long story short, I forgot my own birthday.
Yeah yeah I know it’s weird, had a little bit of a ruff childhood and my birthday was either never celebrated or forgotten well….both. So as I grew older I forgot about it myself, I mean we never did anything and what not so who cared.
Now I’m married with a wonderful women who’s very thoughtful *but* she always does some kind of party or date on my birthday. But sometimes I still forget, so today I came home early from work to surprise my wife….who was surprising me.
I walked in quietly, and I saw her in the kitchen, with flour and cake mix on her forehead and tapestries, birthday cups flowers and gifts around the table. She was making a cake, for a surprise party. *my* surprise birthday.
My mouth dropped and I quietly walked backwards to the door, exiting quietly and waiting till 7:30 to come back home. My wife would be so sad and she was workin so hard😅.
So within to time frame of about 3 and a half hours, I practiced my “oh my god I’m so suprised face”
When I came home she yelled “surprise!!” And I did a very crappy surprise face hugged her and we had a movie marathon.
This secret will never come out. But I think this was the best birthday ever. I find this kinda funny😂. I will be taking this secret to my grave.
TL;DR i forgot my own birthday, came home from work early to surprise my wife and my wife was making a cake, for *my* surprise birthday. Whoops! | I appreciate that this is so wholesome. I'm glad you played along like you didn't know what was going on. It might be worth mentioning at some point that you occasionally forget about your birthday, just in case you aren't able to be as sneaky in the future. |
Yesterday my gf agreed to be my trip sitter. I like shrooms and usually I'm a 2g shroom guy, but yesterday I wanted to see what 4g would do. I asked my gf to be my trip sitter just in case I decided to Peter Pan off the balcony or something. At the time my gf seemed really keen. She even joked about getting popcorn, which she actually did.
She ran out of popcorn more or less the same time she ran out of enthusiasm. I spent most of the night doing an invisible hula hoop dance and laughing hysterically. The higher dose definitely hit different. My gf said it was getting late and wanted us to go to bed. We ended up in bed and my gf eventually fell asleep. I was still wide awake and unable to stop touching my Adam's apple every time I swallowed.
My gf woke up to me standing on the bed completely naked and continuing to do the invisible hula hoop dance. She grabbed a blanket and left the bedroom. I have no idea how long I was dancing on the bed, but I must have exhausted myself and passed out because I remembered nothing else afterwards other than waking up alone in bed this morning and finding my gf sleeping in the living room.
When my gf opened her eyes, I was standing by with breakfast and an apology, which my gf was grateful for. However, she broke up with me. Last night was "too much frat boy" for her liking. Apparently she expected an "older guy" like me to be more mature. I'm 22. She's 19. What the fuck. Anyway, she left. I really liked her.
TL:DR Got high in front of my gf and she left me. | One man’s hula dance is another man’s helicopter. |
Let me start by saying she is not his mother! As any parent does, I tell my son to give me all his dirty laundry (mostly so I don’t have to touch it) so I can wash them for him.
One day he was not home, so, I went into his room and grabbed his dirty laundry. I notice a balled up towel in the corner of his closet and I just grabbed the end of it, thinking it was just a towel, nope! Out falls 2 of my girlfriends recently worn/dirty underwear! I stand there coming up with crazy scenarios in my head for a second like “must have gotten caught in the towel when he was done showering” or “maybe it got messed up in the clean laundry”. Then the realization hits me that our laundry basket is in the bathroom where we shower.
All I could say to my girlfriend was “we are about to have a weird conversation and I’m sorry”. I pull out the underwear and say “I found these in (insert son’s name) room” and her jaw just drops.
I didn’t know what else to say besides “at least we know he likes you”
Now it is a little weird and quiet around my house. The worst part is, I don’t know how to bring it up to him!
TL;DR: found my girlfriend’s underwear in my teenage son’s bedroom when I was just looking for laundry. Now there is a weird silence when my girlfriend encounters my son.
UPDATE 1: The decision has been made to sit him down tonight after dinner. Im going to be short and sweet about it. Tell him that I’ll love him no matter what. Tell him why it wasn’t ok to violate my GFs privacy! Then take the opportunity to see if he wants to talk about anything, but not force him to.
OFF TOPIC: To the guy who messaged me asking to trade my girlfriends dirty underwear for his SISTERS! You’re disgusting!
UPDATE 2: Ok, so here is the update everyone is waiting for! First of all, my decision was not based off any “bro code”. I feel it is my job to mold the best young man. Also, to those suggesting that I should not have told my girlfriend, her privacy was invaded and it’s only right she knows. If he didn’t want to be embarrassed about it, he shouldn’t have done it. I decided to talk to him about it when it was time to drag the trash barrels out to the street. After we each dragged a barrel and we’re walking back I said “listen buddy, I’ll love you no matter what, BUT I found what was in your bedroom in the towel. You’re lucky it was me who found it and not her! That’s extremely inappropriate and not ok, do not ever invade a woman’s privacy like that. Especially, not a girl who has never consented to you in a sexual way. Do we understand each other?!”
He just dropped his head and said “sorry dad” and I just completely dropped it and said “don’t forget the last barrel and went inside.
UPDATE 3: here are some of the messages I’ve gotten!
“I’ve been in a similar position”
Either by sons or moms that have gone through this, THANK YOU to these people! Perspective truly helps in situations like these!
“Does your GF have onlyfans” 😂🤔😟
She better not!!!
“What he is doing is normal. Please leave him alone”
No, I appreciate your opinions though! 🤥
“You’re a terrible father for not talking to him right away” or “you’re a terrible father for talking to your GF about it”
I think figuring out the best move is better then reacting with angry emotions right away! | If you took them and didn’t tell him, believe me, he knows. The first time he went to grab them, and do whatever it is he was going to do, and realized they were gone. At that moment, he knew. |
This actually happened about 10 years ago and we split up because of it. Before I go any further I want to point out that I am fully aware of how shitty and inexcusable cheating is. I was young and made a mistake that I paid for immediately. This is my story.
So one night my room mate invited me (21 years old at the time) to the beach to see a bunch of people that we knew from high school and hadn't seen since graduation. We had spent all night in the bar drinking and taking shots. Eventually the bar closes so me, my room mate and the remaining members of our group decided to grab the coolers from our friends hotel and head towards the water to finish the night off with a few more beers and listen to the water. The waves seemed to be appearing from a void. This is about the time things took a turn.
We had been debating getting in the water, but this is not very smart at night especially when you don't know the schedule of the tide, plus we were absolutely shit faced. I was the first one to start heading that way, removing my clothes down to my underwear, when one of the girls we were with sprints past me. I turn around and everyone is naked. I admit that at this point I had not even considered how my girlfriend would have felt about this, and I got naked too. We had been swimming for about 30 minutes when everyone started splitting up. This was during low tide so you could go quite a ways away from shore and still be waist deep. I had come up to a sandbar with this girl that I had been friends with for years. Neither of us had even realized how far away we had strayed from the group or the shore. This is the moment I cheated. About halfway through the deed I heard my room mate screaming our names at the top of his lungs. We were the only ones left out there and the tide was coming in. We made it only a few feet from the sandbar when I noticed what looked like fireflies in the water. I quickly realized that these were jellyfish and they were EVERYWHERE! We both frantically tried to hurry through but they just kept coming. There were at least 50-75 that we could see. Suddenly I felt a sharp sting across the back of both knees. I grabbed my friend by the wrist and started to pull her as I did my best to run because now shit had gotten serious. I made the one mistake that every beach goer knows better than to do. I decided we needed to get out immediately and climbing the rocks would help. I didn't even get a single foot planted because my toe was immediately sliced open to the bone by a clam. Now I'm naked, pouring blood, and both of us had been stung all over. We started back towards the beach when I was doubled over in pain shooting through my penis and balls. I thought I had been bitten by something, but it turns out a jellyfish had wrapped around my genitals. I had never been in pain like this before. When we finally got to the beach we were surrounded by all of our friends who heard us screaming and had called the police because they thought we had come across a shark. It's now almost 5 am and the experience had completely sobered me up. The police were surprisingly cool about the whole situation and one of them offered to walk us back to the hotel.
Fast forward to later in the morning when my room mate had driven us home. When we got home I started evaluating my injuries, I definitely needed stitches, but opted out because I didn't have insurance at the time. My penis looked horrendous however. I couldn't even believe what this jelly fish had done to it. It was swollen, tender and was a different shape. I took a handful or Ibuprofen and took a shower before passing out for the remainder of the day until the evening when I wake up to my girlfriend crawling in the bed with me. My heart sank. She knew I had gone out the night before, and my room mate informed her of my rough night excluding the fact that I betrayed her. She was there for maybe a total of 10 minutes before I completely broke down and confessed, but did not tell her about the cut or the jelly fish. She never looked at me, never cried and left without saying anything. I saw her about 4 years ago in a bar. She approached me and asked if we could talk for a while. She told me that she was never mad at me and that after some time she was just happy I was honest (after the fact she noted). To which I replied, "well I've got something else to tell you about that night that you're going to love." She fucking loved every second of hearing the rest of the events from that night. We laughed pretty hard about it. I paid for her tab and left. We haven't spoken since.
​
TL;DR I cheated on a very good girl and was stung on the dick by a jelly fish immediately after. | So who did you get to pee on your dick? |
My FU happened 3 days ago and I’ve just now recovered enough to relive it.
I got COVID for the second time over the weekend and by Monday I had lost all sensation of taste and smell. At the peak of the pandemic I’d joked with my brother in law about running a hot pepper gauntlet if I ever lost my sense of taste and smell from COVID because I *heard* you could handle spicy things.
Mind you, I’ve always loved spicy things, but habaneros are usually the hottest I can go. So I started with those, because why not? And nothing. So I thought, let’s just jump right into one called the Death Spiral, which is hotter than a ghost pepper but not as hot as a Carolina Reaper.
This is the moment where I think I can pinpoint where my fuck up happened. Nothing. No taste, no spice. So I IMMEDIATELY threw two Carolina reaper peppers down followed by about 10-15 pieces of habaneros and death spiral peppers. About halfway through, my body started to retaliate. I was sweating. I was numb, I felt like I was going to die. But the burn wasn’t there. Until it was. It’s hard to describe.
Anyway, I suffered through the night with awful indigestion and took antacids to try to calm it. I was miserable.
I didn’t think it could get any worse, but then the moment came where I had to evacuate them. And my god, the pure fire and rage that my sphincter had was unbearable. It felt like satan himself was trying to claw his way out of my rectum. I swore I’d shat blood, but there was none. For hours afterwards I swear the fire feeling that came from my exit hatch could have made s’mores for the entire family. I’m still in pain days later.
TL;dr - lost taste and smell due to COVID, thought it was a good idea to eat the hottest peppers I could find. Paid the price when satan escaped from my ass. 0/10, would not recommend.
Edited typo. | This. This is an actual TIFU.
Thank you.
Also, Damn dude. |
So I just got off the phone with the police because a week and a half ago I was chatting with a girl on reddit. Eventually we exchanged instagram accounts after which she asked if I wanted to have video sex on hangouts. She's a pretty girl and we had a good time. Or so I thought...
This afternoon I received a message from her saying she recorded everything and she wants me to pay €500 or else she'd send the video to all my contacts. I'm not the guy to start to panic so I called the police for advice. They told me to block her so that she can't send me threats anymore so that's what I did. I came up with the idea to post on my social media that if anyone receives a video of me to not open it because I am being blackmailed.
But to do that I first had to inform my parents. So i'm calling my mom. She says i'm very dumb but she appreciates me informing her. She then passes the phone to my father so I can explain myself to him. He asks if i'm just naked on the video, or if i'm performing any "actions" to which I respons; well yeah, i'm beating my meat of course.
So now i'm waiting for someone to tell me that they received a video of me masturbating while having to explain myself to everyone who is concerned for me because of my post.
tldr; had video sex with a stranger, am now being blackmailed. I've had to tell my father that I'm choking my chicken on the video.
EDIT: a lot of people are asking me how she got my contacts; she copied a list of all my followers on instagram. She also showed me proof of the recording. And for an update: no video has reached me or my friends yet.
EDIT2: I can't keep up with the comments anymore. A lot of people are telling me their stories of how they got blackmailed. We're all a bunch of horny idiots, aren't we? I wish all the best luck to anyone who is or has been in a similar situation. Stay safe kids | Just own it. Be like "some of you may get a video of me masturbating. If you like what you see dm me" free advertising |
Obligatory, this happened a few years ago and kinda a funny story to look back on now.
So I used to work in film and TV production. Just graduated college and finally got a shot to work as a production assistant on Spiderman: Homecoming. My first union run set.
Didn’t, and still do t care about MCU movies, nor did I really follow who was acting in them at all. At this time, during shooting Tom Holland was pretty new to the role and the only thing I think he was in that people heard about was Civil War which I hadn’t seen.
My boss, told me that I had to watch the food spread for any extras coming in and direct them to a different food spread, as extras weren’t allowed to have the main spread. This may sound kind of rude to do but this is pretty typical if you have a lot of extras because it would take too much time for everyone to get a plate and eat so they divide it up.
Anyway, it was right before break and my boss told me as I was waiting for the cast and crew to arrive I can get my food and wait around. So I did. While getting food I noticed a black cadillac pulling up (should have been my first clue) and a few people getting out, Tom being one of them. Again, still didn’t know who he was so I just thought he was maybe an extra.
Tom is a super nice kid, came right up to me in line and started talking to me asking me how I was doing and all that. As we were making small talk I interrupted him and said “I don’t mean to interrupt, buy you by chance wouldn’t happen to be an extra are you?”. His face looked really confused and I looks like he thought I was joking, all he said was, “No, I play spiderman?”
My stomach dropped, all I could think of in my head was my first big set and i mistaken the lead actor for an extra. I apologized to him and told him that I didn’t know who was playing spiderman at all nor did I ever watch the movies before. He laughed and said it was okay. Bs’ed with him for a couple minutes after until he had to go back to his trailer. I was happy that he took it as well as he did, was really cool to meet him too, but was so incredibly embarrassing.
TL;DR
I had to make sure no extras went to the food table on Spiderman: Homecoming, with no prior knowledge of who was playing Spiderman. Tom got food next to me and asked him if he was an extra.
EDIT:
I should of put this in the post originally but didn’t think it was relevant at all, but i’m seeing people comment the same thing. On big sets like this, typically what happens is that production changes the name of the film, in this case the film was called Summer of George, this is for anonymity among outsiders so we don’t attract a crowd. This goes for the same thing with the casts names in the call sheet, it’s usually abbreviated. When I got the call sheet the night before all I had gotten was where, what time PAs were supposed to be. Didn’t even know it was a MCU movie until I signed my contract. | He seems like a humble guy, I'm sure he took no offense to that. |
UPDATE - You can read my original post [here](https://redd.it/m1jy2b).
Hello, I'm back. Thank you for all your comments and awards. I never thought my post would get that much attention. I am glad a lot of you were able to get a good laugh out of it and I'm grateful for those who asked for an update because it helped pushed me to come clean to her. I felt it is my responsibility in the end to man up instead of chickening out and switching gyms or trying to play it off as a misunderstanding.
Before I begin, here are some things you guys wanted to know:
1. I only used the women's room once. After the first day, I waited until I got home.
2. I introduced myself as Chris. I know that doesn't really help.
3. Some of you wanted to know how I look and I am honestly too embarrassed to post a picture for everyone to see when I am at my lowest. Instead, I give you [this](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm4497202/mediaviewer/rm2107681280/) picture of Jimmy O. Yang. My hair is the same length as his in the photo and if I lost my COVID 19 weight he would be my closest celeb lookalike.
Alright anyways, it's been a couple days and while I had the intention of coming clean to her every time I went to the gym, more and more people were returning to work out and so I didn't feel comfortable coming clean to her with so many people around. It wasn't until Saturday that there were less people around. We were chatting as usual and at one point I bit the bullet and told her how I knew she thought I was a trans woman but that I couldn't bear to correct her. I also offered to switch gyms if she felt it was too awkward. She took it surprisingly well. She told me one of her ex who she is still friends with recently came out as a trans woman and that's why she was trying hard to be open minded and inclusive. We ended up talking about how we both still have a lot to learn about the trans community (like how I should have used trans woman with a space in my previous post). So yeah...I'm not sure how to end this but the situation has been resolved.
Special shout-out to all the people who commented/messaged me about the correct way to spell trans woman, the guy who wanted to CashApp me funds to go to a new gym and lastly to the person who said I should post on r/bustyasians
TLDR; Told the cute gym employee I am not a trans woman and we [may or may not have a date lined up.](https://imgur.com/nMSSTrz) 😏 | Not that’ll make you feel better, but
I’m very tall, I normally don’t wear heels, tight clothes, make up etc.
A few years ago I was visiting a friend, now for my own ego I proper dressed up, sexy flairs, low cut top, did my hair up all pretty, eyeliner up the wazhoo. My friend got an emergency call from his work at 1am. So I took autistic arse to a gay bar (as, due to my upbringing that’s were I felt safe). A nice gentleman started chatting me, I explained I’m not into that sort of thing, but he was on his own to, so asked if he could sit with me. Yes, fine that’s be lovely. When he left about an hour later he said
‘You’re so lucky, most guys don’t look as good as you’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘Oh my god, you’re not a man?’
Um, nnooooooo |
This happened this morning.
This TIFU started on Saturday (it's Thursday now)
Matched with a girl on Facebook Dating and she was very cute. I did notice that she only smiled with her top row of teeth in the pictures and figured that her bottom teeth might be effed up, but didn't think much of it. She had trad wife energy and I was into it.
We end up meeting on Sunday after some pretty clean chatting. Turns out she lives exactly 8 mins from me so I offer to pick her up for our first date. I learn a LOT about her in a very short time - I won't reveal all the details, but she had battled a long time with eating disorders - thus her teeth a bit janky. From what I saw they weren't that bad.
This is all a red herring - nothing about this TIFU has to do with the teeth. I wanted to mention it because I was so focused on this that I didn't pick up the other red flags.
I also find out that she doesn't drink all that often and only at meal times if it's appropriate - how nice. She also lives with her parents - why? She has a surgery coming up and it's involving a lot of physical therapy - I piece together it's probably due to her aforementioned eat disorders and a complication thereof.
Otherwise, great date.
Fast forward to last night/this morning.
I invite her over for dinner. The plan was her dad would drop her off because she doesn't have her car due to a recent wreck and I would drive her home later that evening. Okay.
She also tells me that she is a felon like 1 hour before we hang out. Okay...
Don't worry, it's just 3 DUIs and it's over with. Thanks for telling me? \[No, really, I should've paid attention to this red flag\]
She comes over and after pleasantries I start to cook a shrimp curry soup. She asks for a drink - I show her my drink cabinet and picks out the most expensive tequila I have - that's fine. She proceeds to have 2 shots.
Biggest fuck up: I presume that EVERYONE is good at self regulation of their drinking. It's just what I believe - we know if we are getting toasted or not and it's intentional.
I join and catch up with 2 shots. I get a seltzer for myself and she grabs a cocktail. And another one. 4 drinks in 40 minutes for this 110 lb person. I assume she's good at holding her liquor.
After dinner we are cuddling where she has her head in my lap. Suddenly! To my surprise she takes her pants off and says "let's go to bed - a woman has needs."
Gentle reader - let me mention nothing sexual happened here. I was barely registering as tipsy and she was beyond drunk.
I set her in bed and she immediately passes out. No worries. I'll put a trashcan near her and I'll go watch some tv/plays games and check on her.
The horror story starts here:
I check on her and I realize that my bed is dark. I touch it: it's pee.
Just fucking great.
I attempt to rouse her and alert her she has soiled herself (and my bed). She wakes up and asks me why I'm waking her up and then tries to flirt with me. I then notice she's soiling herself. Again. Actively. .While trying to seduce me.
I somehow manage to get her to the bathroom and sit her on a toilet and have her drink water to sober up - this was a bad plan later.
She refuses to use the toilet and I ease her down to the ground on my fuzzy bath mat. I drape her with a towel and place another beneath her - just in case.
I then spend the next 5 hours until 4:30 AM washing my clothes, her clothes, my bedding, and comforter. At some point I sit on the couch where she was earlier and realized that she had soiled my couch. That's why she was so urgent to go to bed. FML.
(I do check on her to make sure she's okay and I end up changing her towel twice)
I finally decide to go to sleep at around 5 and I have work at 9, despite the ice storm. I set an alarm at 8 so I can drive her the hell home and forget it all happened.
At 6:30 she wakes up, confused and naked, to which I provide her some of my gym clothes that I don't really care about. I go back to the couch and she is embarrassed and hungry. Fine. Go eat leftovers, but let me sleep. She clangs around the kitchen awhile. She apparently ate all the shrimp in the soup. Great.
She decides to cuddle with me on the couch and I had no energy to push her away. She attempts to kiss me, but I rebuke it - and then realize there's gin on her breath.
I spring up and go to the kitchen and realize SHE DRANK ANOTHER 4 OZ of GIN. At 7:30 AM!
I run back to the bed and she's catatonic again.
I start to freak out and see her phone - she told me her birthday on the first date and used that to open her phone - voila. Turns out she missed like 9 calls from her parents, so I call them from her phone.
I explain every single detail of the happenings of the night and they are mortified.
I tell them I have work and they need to come get her now.
An hour later her father shows up - which is ridiculous because they live so close, but I was just happy he was there.
I had gathered her laundry, belongings, etc and give it to Dad. Dad is not happy. He yells at her and I tell him, "Hey, sorry, my house - please no yelling." He apologizes and agrees (surprised that actually worked, but I guess he was embarrassed about everything?) Dad takes the stuff and comes back and says, "She was almost 1 week sober. And this happens. Not your fault, son."
Oh.
The DUI thing makes sense now.
She CANNOT stand up by herself, so he tries to scoop her up from the couch, but she's completely dead weight and wakes up, yelling that she hates her dad
AND
PEES
ON
HIM
And my couch. Again.
We both end up dragging her to the car and my neighbors are watching, mortified of what seems like a kidnapping happening.
Her mom just texted me to apologize a few hours later and that she would get me my clothes back.
Edit: I'm most upset that in sitting here eating my shrimp-less soup
TL;DR: I ignore red flags on a cute a date and she ends up pissing on everything in my house and her father. | My guy you brought in the equivalent of a stray cat. |
TIFU by cumming in my pants while my mom showed me a picture of Jesus.
​
I'm a "man" of 21 living with my relatively conservative and religious parents while I go to college. My parent's house is a one story, cheaply built house. This means that the walls are PAPER thin, you can pretty much hear any normal volume conversation from anywhere in the house with pretty great clarity.
​
In my case, doing the business isn't a loud activity so I don't have to worry about timing my strokes with the whir of the AC unit to mask the sound. I more have to worry about the activity level of those around me; as it is frequent where my parents will come to my room to talk or ask me to do tasks.
​
With that being said. I have been caught off guard quite a lot and I have my lock down protocol in place to lower suspicion and avoid getting caught. One of the tactics of this 'lock down protocol' includes the time it takes me to answer a knock on my door. This consequently, is also the fatal flaw that now has me recounting the traumatic events of today. I figure that the quicker that I answer a knock with 'come in' the less suspicion I draw. I personally feel that if I were to yell 'hold on' and take like 10 seconds to hide the evidence, I would be raising the level of suspicion.
​
Now, some may think that the tactic of answering as quick as possible is dumb. However, I have a little hallway inside of my room which is about 3 feet from the entrance of my door to my bed cutting off line of sight to anyone who even fully steps into my room. For the most part, my family never fully walks into my room past the hallway because they know that sound travels and that they don't have to make eye contact with me to get whatever they have to say across. However, tonight, my mom, who has gotten into painting during the quarantine, had a new piece of art to show me.
​
So it's about 7pm and I can hear that my parents are in the living room down the hall watching their favorite TV shows, which they do for an hour or so every night after dinner. So I figure that now is as good a time as any to 'get busy' since I wouldn't be interrupted.
​
I was wrong. No one was watching the TV, and my mom was in her office right next to my room scribbling away at our messiah.
​
The folly of my judgement became clear as day when I heard a knock at the door just as I had past the point of no return. I scrambled to hide the evidence as the words 'come in' left my mouth. As I pulled my pants up, my mom turned the corner with a freshly painted picture of Jesus fucking Christ holding the hand of a little girl whilst they strolled down a dirt path in a meadow. I stood there looking into the eyes of Jesus while my mistake soaked my inner leg and sock.
​
But at that moment I realized that this was only the beginning of my problems. I began to wonder why, in such a dark room, I was able to see the face of our lord and savior so clearly. It was then that I realized that in my rush to save what pride I had left, I had pulled my phone by my earbuds on to the floor, showing in glorious 1080p HD what could only be described of as SIN. I rush to put my soaked foot over the screen to possibly save myself from the eyes of the lord.
​
With the lack of reaction from my mom, I figured that she hadn't seen what was on my phone, only fixated on my reaction to her new creation.
​
I try to pick up my phone, mashing buttons on the sides hoping to find the power button to turn it off. Unfortunately, at the same time, I was trying to disconnect my earbuds to put my phone into my pocket as quick as possible. The combination of both frantic actions lead to the high decibel release of pain and pleasure that filled the room and serenaded the ears of my poor mother with the sounds of some woman being ass-blasted by a well endowed gentleman. My mom exits the room with not another word spoken.
​
It has been 2 hours and the house has fallen silent. I fear that my time in this house has come to an end. I will live the rest of my life wandering the streets, homeless, hoping one day to repent for my sins.
​
TL;DR : I was masturbating and about to cum when a knock at the door from my mom had me rushing to be presentable. I came in my pants while looking at a picture of Jesus that she had painted while porn blared from my speakers, causing an awkward moment in the universe.
Generalized update and edit:
It's the next day. I've crossed paths with my mom a few times and shes been kind of quiet. She doesn't seem too cross, so I'm gonna stay under the radar and ride it out the best I can. My parents have really mellowed with age and I feel that this may have been just more awkward than "wrong" and time will probably alleviate the tension
I've read through some of the comments and I would like to thank you guys for the humorous and light-hearted responses. Really helps take some of the anxiety out of the situation.
​
I would like to address some other types of questions to give a better understanding of my situation
​
\- I don't have a lock to my door. And I couldn't get one.
My parent's theory on door locks is "If you're doing something that requires a locked door, then you probably shouldn't be doing it"
\- Yes I know I should have done it in the bathroom. And yes, I should have done it when no one was awake
However, as the title suggests "Today I Fucked UP" I fucked up everything for this situation. From my conditioning to respond to door knocks the way I do, to my inability for self control sometimes.
\-The Phone
I know that video players across all modern phones pause the video when an audio device is connected or disconnected. However, on the website that I was using (xfantasy), touching anywhere on the screen plays and pauses the video. In my anxiety riddled, fat fingered attempt to hide the phone, a brush against the screen was bound to happen.
\-It's fake
Everything is fake. Nothing could ever be real. You're just living in a simulation that is tailor made to anger you by filling Reddit with "creative writing" papers. What horrors it must be that you alone have to endure such torture, to be exposed to such inhumanities. Thank you so much for being the one to decipher the falsities of our universe. If only my programmer overlords who made this simulation could have made me in your image to be a truth seeker, what a life that would be /s
​ | Well, how was the painting? |
Figured it out today, but have been fucking up for 3 weeks.
Bf started chemo and has been very fortunate to be feeling pretty ok. So our sex life has stayed at our normal level. Probably even more active since, well, he's terminal.
I've been having horrible nausea and headaches. I already have anxiety so I figured I'm just a mess over the cancer, kids, job stress, etc. and making myself sick.
This morning I woke up queasy again and joked about having sympathy chemo symptoms. I Google, and no that's not a thing, but secondhand chemo exposure is...through bodily fluids. Symptoms include nausea and headaches. And the periods of me feeling bad line up perfectly to his treatments.
I've been letting my dude nut poison in me folks.
You're supposed to use condoms for several days after chemo and also not swap a bunch of spit. Now that I know this it seems SUPER OBVIOUS. But uh, guess I was too horny to think it through.
TL;DR did dirty deeds with my bf's chemo dick and got sick from it
ETA: Thanks for all the well wishes and debates on my stupidity.
To answer as many questions as I can and also because I feel mildly defensive: He is stage 4, with literal dozens of bone mets. There is no cure but no timeline either. We probably have a few more years. He is in EXCELLENT care at a renowned university program. We adore his team. I've been at every appointment, taken notes, blah blah. This was not reviewed with us, only side effects. The separate bathroom/ wear gloves thing was reviewed with the couple next to us and we even wondered aloud what kind of scary chemo they were getting. We didnt read the pamphlet because this ain't his first chemo rodeo. But it is mine. So all of us, including his care team, let it slip through the cracks. We're only in our 30s but our best guess is they figured he'd be too weak for sex. Or they just forgot. Or they figured we'd read the info. Shit happens.
Edit 2: please stop hitting on me in my DMs, jesus fucking christ | As a pharmacist this makes me upset that you guys weren't counseled more thoroughly on the medication |
Last night, my wife's boss from her brand new job invited us over for dinner. On the drive over, my wife reiterated many times to me just how important it was to make a good impression.
I scoffed and arrogantly informed my silly wife that I always make good impressions.
My wife's boss is a single lady in her fifties, so it was just the three of us. We chitchatted over drinks and salads and seemed to really be hitting it off. She laughed at my well-timed, perfectly-appropriate jokes and my wife seemed pleased.
Soon she brought out the main course, a nice big juicy steak for each of us. As I began to cut into my steak, I was discouraged to discover how under cooked this steak was.
Now, I've had my fair share of rare steak. I prefer medium, but I can handle rare. This was several-minutes-on-a-hot-grill short of rare. I probably could've resuscitated the cow had I tried. Instead, I sat there fidgeting with my knife and fork, worrying about how I was going to get away with not eating this steak.
Claim vegan-ism? No, I'd already feigned great enthusiasm upon seeing the steak.
Just then, our hostess excused herself to the kitchen to take care of some dessert preparations. As I looked across the fancy dining room table at the open window of this 3rd story apartment... a cartoon light bulb appeared over my head.
I knew I had to be decisive, realizing that she could return at any moment. I committed. I grabbed the steak with my hand, gently shook off the juice and executed a perfect throw right through the center of the open window.
Here's the big time FU. The window wasn't open. It was the cleanest fricking window you've ever seen in your life. That is, until my mostly raw slab of steak slammed up against it and slowly slid down leaving a trail of bloody juice in its wake.
My wife - who's steak was a nice medium rare and was unaware of my predicament - turned, jaw dropped, and stared at me like I was an alien from another planet. This look then slowly morphed into more of a there-is-no-place-on-this-planet-you-can-ever-hide-from-me expression of demonic anger.
My wife's boss heard the thud of the steak-on-window impact and came quickly. She took in the scene, the steak sitting on the window sill, the blood trail, my empty plate, and then gave me an inquisitive, puzzled look.
I just didn't know what to say. It felt like a minute of silence, but was probably 3 or 4 seconds. Finally, the best I could manage was "I... I'm so sorry. I am such a clutz... I don't know... I was just cutting it.. and... it... ... it slipped... just ask my wife, I really am a clutz... right honey?... (no help coming from that direction) ... I will clean this up... I can't believe this... I am so sorry" etc... etc...
Both women continued to stare at me like I had escaped from the loony bin, as I smeared the blood around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the steak, and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation. I knew no one was buying the story.
I knew what I had to do. I sheepishly returned to my seat and proceeded to eat every bite of that disgusting, cold, chewy, bloody, raw steak.
I remained pretty quiet the rest of the evening. My wife's only two words to me since the incident are "I'm fine".
TL;DR: Tried to sneakily throw my under-cooked steak through an open window... only to find out it wasn't open.
Edit: Thanks kind redditors (:
Update: Just got the first post-"I'm fine" communication from my wife, via text, who is at work...
"good news, [boss' name] and i just had a good laugh over how much of a fucking idiot u are. i hope u know u will never live this down. love u you moron" | This would be an excellent Windex commercial.
EDIT: my bad. |
A couple of things worth knowing before we continue. My partner is a farmer and we get up at 4am every morning. We also live in an old wood house up a mountain.
Ok so this happened this me this morning.
We woke up as usual and I went to put on the coffee machine, which we set up the night before because 4am is a ridiculous time to try and do anything
While the coffee was brewing I absent mindedly began to clear the sink from the night before. We are pretty lazy at night so all the dishes etc just get soaked.
So in my 4am haze I'm fishing about in the sink trying to clear out the rice from yesterdays meal so the water will go down. I grab what I assume to be a tea bag and go to put it in the bin. But of course, before I can do that I have to squeeze the liquid out as i dont want shitty water in the bottom of the bin.
Here's the fuck up incase you didnt see it coming. The 'teabag' is a dead mouse that has drowned overnight and become waterlogged and swollen. I squeeze the mouse and it explodes, covering my face with it's awful pink water/viscera.
No idea why my mouth was open at the time apart from it was 4am and I was probably mouth breathing and half asleep still.
It tastes like pennies and sadness. I may never be the same again.
TL;DR I exploded a mouse thinking it was a teabag and drank its divine juices, which I assume shot out of its waterlogged anus.
EDIT: thanks to everyone contacting me to tell me to seek medical advice. I have and have a follow up appointment next week. I'm glad my fuck up could turn so many stomachs | > Pennies and Sadness
Thank you for that apt description. I’m sorry btw. |
Going to bed yesterday, in the dark, something stung my foot as I slipped under the covers. As I sat up and reached for the light, it stung my other leg, then moved up to my thigh and stung again. Lights on now, I reached down and began swatting at it and attempting to swipe it away from my with my hand. Each time I tried to find the culprit, it would viciously sting my hand. I discovered that it was hard and at least a couple of inches long- I was thinking scorpion or one of those giant man eating bees invading the northwest. Three stings on the hand and I had located it- it was under the sheet. Two more stings as I attempted to kill it while it was still trapped. Finally and reluctantly, I pulled back the sheet, ready to deal with whatever monstrosity escaped. It was a damned sewing needle, sticking halfway out of the mattress- and I’d been repeatedly stabbing myself with it.
TLDR; Mistook a sewing needle in my mattress for a stinging insect. Repeatedly stabbed myself trying to swat it away with my hand. | Smooth. Real smooth. |
Obligatory just over a week ago comment. So I have been moved in with my boyfriend three weeks - it was quite sudden as we’ve only been together three months. And also somewhat poorly planned as one of us has a cat...and the other has a tiny parrot who genuinely believes he is a velociraptor.
Ragebeak belongs to me. It is a Saturday morning, and he has commenced the daily scream at about seven - not too early and not too late but definitely too loud. Still, I thought being a Saturday I’d take him downstairs and cuddle/play and let my boyfriend lie in.
I fell down the stairs. Still holding very small parrot and my first thought was OH GOD DONT CRUSH HIM so I threw my hands up like I just didn’t care and...
I broke my back.
And then when I finally got somewhat upright and attempted to go back up the stairs (parrot is stood a few steps up completely fucking baffled by my behaviour but importantly he is neither flat or dead) I passed out from the pain, hit my head off the counter and sustained a head injury.
Woke up a bit later laid on the floor dribbling and attempted round two significantly more successfully and went to go shriek about ambulances at my boyfriend - because as it happens he sleeps like THE DEAD and heard none of the screaming/clattering/slamming noises.
TL;DR removed parrot from bedroom so my boyfriend could have a sleep in, broke spine and woke him up with screaming of my own. Right in his face.
EDIT - thank you all for your concern, the spinal cord itself is fine so I’m not paralyzed and there shouldn’t be any life-ruining effects. I’m just on bed rest and LOTS of pain medication!
Thanks for the silver! And gold! AND THE POO! And all your lovely comments/well wishes/ recommendations :)
[the idiot in question](https://imgur.com/gallery/doRluCr) | Sorry I know I really shouldn't laugh but "ragebeak is mine" just got me before I even read on |
Edit: [UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/user/HeyItsYonder/comments/ujzpso/update/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) is posted on my profile
I (29M) work in digital marketing. Company held party to celebrate the completion of big project. As I was walking to my car, I noticed a drunk female coworker (mid 30s). We worked together for 3 years, but it's a big department and I don't know much about her.
She was having difficulty walking. I offered to help and she held out her hand. I asked if she drove here. She took an Uber. Helped her call another one as she vomited. Uber driver arrived, saw the condition she was in, and took off without saying a word. Understandable.
I decided to drive her home. I have a duel front and rear dashcam setup. I moved the rear camera, placed it in front, and adjusted angle to make sure inside of vehicle is covered (lifesaver).
Fast forward one month to April 25 (last week) and I was called into HR. My manager was sitting with a serious expression. They asked what I did after the party. I immediately became defensive and asked what the meeting is about.
HR person said that they received a complaint from an employee accusing me of inappropriate behavior. I responded, "I have no idea what you are talking about. I did nothing inappropriate during or after that party. Whoever complained has the wrong guy!"
They stepped out into the hallway for a couple minutes. I'm starting to sweat even though I did nothing wrong. Thinking, I remember giving coworker a ride home. That must be it. They step back into the office, manager says they have a witness who saw me put drunk coworker into my car.
I said, "Yea, I drove her home. Nothing happened...and I did not 'put' her in. She accepted the help." Silence. They stare at me like I'm guilty. Nothing but suspicion and judgement. HR says they'll continue investigating and will speak to me the following week.
I received an email today, telling me to make a statement for the police and that I'm suspended until the case is dismissed. I'm pissed. Really pissed.
I hired an attorney and submitted statement to police. After asking around, I learned the coworker I gave a ride to is apparently the ex-wife of my manager's golfing buddy. Yea.
Little does the company know I protected myself with dashcam footage as well as a short cell phone video of me walking her to the house. I am innocent and will fight this.
TL;DR - I drove drunk coworker home. Accused of inappropriate behavior one month later. Suspended by my company while they investigate. I hired attorney and have video footage proving my innocence. | Dude please give us an update down the road |
So setting the scene, finished my last final, tired as shit. So, what do I do go to a bar. There i am chilling and this guy buys me a drink we chat and we hit it off hes really cool hes from my home town and we just really relate to each other really well.
Fast forward and were fucked hardly holding our shit together, being somewhat responsible we leave and call an uber. We went to his apartment and chilled and watched netflix and whatnot until we made a bet on some weird shit. I dont remember what it was on but if he won he would get a titjob and if I won he would get Graham crackers and icing from the store and we would make those Graham cracker Christmas houses, yes it was Spring, yes we were wasted.
So the outcome had us in bed with me lying on my back holding my tits together and him on my chest thrusting between my tits. The liquor probably helped a lot but I thought it was hot as fuck. He starts moaning and groaning a whole lot more and I close my eyes and he cums on my face and chest. Not a second later I hear a girl screeching. It scares the shot out of me so I scream and open my eyes and instantly get cum in my left eye. The guy starts laughing his ass off, his girlfriend/ wife starts crying while still screaming and I'm still laying down and I cant see shit. She runs out of the house and the guy grabs a pair of pants and runs after her.
I dont really know what I was supposed to do so I just kind of took a shower and left. Their shower was really nice though. It was really tall and open and kind of looked like the top of a lighthouse.
Overall
Guys looks: 8/10 Nice beard
Sex: 9.4/10 Nice and steamy
Cum in eye: ß Gritty?
Shower: 10/10 Really cool
TL;DR: Got drunk, lost a bet, got titfucked, got cum in eye, fucked a relationship but showered in a really cool shower.
Edit: So... I was piss drunk when I made this post and simply put I would much rather have not posted this story at all. However as people seem to be deeply intrigued in it I will leave it up. I apologize for the parts of the story that seems to be just rambling as I had quite a bit to drink last night. Also, to those that gave me the awards I greatly appreciate it. | Alternative ending: GF/Wife walks in to see partner assembling graham cracker houses with a stranger, white icing everywhere. |
Actually just happened a few minutes ago at the time of writing this. I'm one of those losers who loves Snapchat streaks. I collect them diligently and keep them going with morning and night streaks every day. At this point I have streaks with about twenty five people, some of them reaching almost 500 days.
I say all that to set up the fact that I'm affecting several people that I've been doing this with for a long time. Today I was brewing coffee in my giant metal percolator. It's very shiny and... reflective.
I sometimes sleep in the nude and last night was no exception. This morning I was waiting until I had to get ready for work before I got dressed, so I was still very naked when I decided to send my daily morning streak. Today I decided to take a picture of my brewing coffee as the picture (I'm not very creative). I did so, added a couple of "good morning" graphics, and sent it without a second thought.
Then one of my friends took a screenshot of my streak, prompting confusion. He sent it back to me and asked "Uh... did you mean to have your dick in the pic?"
Sure enough, in the picture, my dick is CLEARLY visible in the reflective surface of the percolator. I just sent this to 25 people and so far only a couple of them have opened it, but I now live in dread of what this day brings.
TL;DR sent a reflective dick pic to 25 people via snapchat streaks and a coffee percolator
​
**UPDATE** since everyone keeps asking. Fortunately for me but disappointingly for many of you, no one seemed to notice except my friend who told me about it in the first place. At least, no one said anything to me about it so far. Lesson learned!
​
Double edit! For those who are wondering what a streak is, it's simply when you send a snap to someone and get one in return once every 24 hours. After three days, you get a little number next to their name showing how many days in a row you've snapped.
For those who are insulting me for being a grown man who uses snapchat, I'm sorry that my usage of a social media app that takes perhaps one full minute out of my day is so annoying to you. Let people enjoy things!
For those reminding me that there's no way 25 people care about what I do in the morning, *I know that*. You think I care about whatever bullshit they send me back? We do it to see the little number go up and get that quick dopamine rush, not because we give a shit about what coffee we're drinking!
Finally, god damn you thirsty bitches, [here's the picture](https://imgur.com/a/qFOWhbP). It's not super noticeable unless you know it's there.
**Final edit:** No, I will not be starting an OnlyFans. Please stop DMing me about it xD | Aye bro just own it apologize and laugh it off. Shit happens! |
Last week, me and my family got a puppy for the first time. He likes to follow us around the house and is generally near me.
I also happen to have IBS, which has been aggravated by the stress of having a new puppy, and has apparently decided to manifest itself by me farting loudly and incessantly.
Since these farts are rather embarrassing, I’ve taken to jokingly blaming them on my puppy. Whenever I fart in front of my family and he’s around (which is most of the time), I would loudly say his name in a scandalized voice. This would usually result in him walking over to me, so of course when my adorable puppy comes over, I would pet him and kiss him.
Yesterday, I was home alone with him and he was on the other side of the room. I let out a roaring fart, but since I was alone, I didn’t say his name to “blame” it on him. However, as soon as he heard it, he still walked right over to me and sat down, tail wagging, waiting to be pet, which is when I realized I accidentally trained my dog to associate my farts with coming over to me and getting pet.
TL;DR I accidentally trained my puppy to come when I fart.
edit: [dog tax](https://www.reddit.com/r/sploot/comments/itxmm2/kitchen_sploots_are_his_favourite/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) | The real question here, is will your puppy go to other people when *they* fart, all wagging and happy? You may have accidentally trained your dog to call out who dropped the silent fart, which is a far more impressive story to tell the family. |
I recently purchased a large beanbag chair for myself to watch movies on in my basement. There has been a persistent cricket issue in my basement that I have not gotten around to addressing yet. While jerking off on said beanbag, I felt something slimy and sort of greasy in my asscrack. I immediately assumed this was some ass sweat from the jerk off session and wrote it off. Well, once I finished the act, I scratched the crevice, and to my surprise, the disfigured body of a still twitching cricket wound up on my hands. I flicked the cricket away swiftly and quickly rid of any cricket residue in my glory hole. Cricket guts now cover the edge of my beanbag, and I am on the brink of vomiting just writing this.
TL;DR- felt something weird in my ass while jerking off, was a dumbass and decided to continue without taking precautions, and came with a cricket still squished between my cheeks. | Someone please take away my ability to read |
Have you ever dated someone who makes you feel sexy and wanted? Yeah me neither, until I started dating my current boyfriend. Feeling sexy and irresistible is a new experience for me and my libido has never been higher because of it. So TIFU by trying to be sexy and waking him up with a blowjob. We both sleep naked and when I woke up, he had a bit of a semi and I know it's a fantasy of his to wake up to someone sucking his dick.
So
I go down. I'm honestly turning myself on and I know as soon as he wakes up we're gonna have sex and I'm all for it. So I'm being light and gentle at first, to not wake him up immediately and hes stirring a little bit. So I start getting a little more intense with it, and then he came? Oooooooh god no he didnt cum....he started pissing in my mouth. A torrent of morning pee into my mouth, then on the bed, and himself. To make matters a little extra fucked up, because the universe thought this wasn't bad enough, I threw up all over my side of the bed. He jolts awake, mid stream, thinking he has just pissed the bed, to find this gigantic mess of vomit and piss everywhere. We spent the morning cleaning up the mess. We talked about it, but in that moment we didnt even know what to say to each other, all we could do was laugh hysterically like two maniacs in a bed covered in fluids.
TL;DR Tried to wake my boyfriend up by giving him head, and he pissed in my mouth and I threw up on the bed. | It's apparently fairly common for that to happen, but good on you for trying! Best part is you both laughed about it, that's a good sign |
As an ICU nurse, these last few weeks have found me trapped in the COVID-19 ICU at my hospital. The whole unit (and the neighboring floor) has been turned into negative airflow rooms to keep airborne COVID-19 particles from infecting the rest of the hospital. This isnt a big issue for the semi-sick covid patients, since they are generally droplet and contact precautions. But in the ICU, most of these patients are ventilated and constantly aeresolizing this virus.
Anyways, I'm lucky enough to have a PAPR, which is a hood that goes over your head and shoulders that's hooked up to a machine around your waist by a tube. This machine blows air into the hood, making it so any aerosolized material in the air is pushed away from my face. It's not a closed system like a scuba tank or anything though; all the air that's blown at your face is sucked in through this belt machine, which is filtering it constantly through a 3M filter.
Anyways, I'm all geared up and working in a patients room when I have to pass some gas. The patients intubated and sedated, I'm wearing a hood, no one else is around- what's the harm?
I let a silent but deadly rip... right under this PAPR machines intake. Now, no particulate is getting through this thing, but gas sure does. I spent the next 5 minutes trying not to wretch as this hood circulates my toxic ass scent through my hood.
Note to self, wear the papr on the front next time.
TL;DR: dont toot in the air chute unless you wanna smell your own ass fruit | Damn. The hazards medical personnel are exposed to in these dangerous times... |
This happened a couple hours ago and they’re still laughing
I was visiting my parents house for dinner with my family, and almost everyone in my family *of 7* got apple watches recently and was talking about fitness tracking and heart rate monitoring *they’re all health nuts* and we got to the topic of resting heart rates and sleeping patterns and I was looking at my sleep monitoring and realized that my heart rate aggressively spikes every morning when I wake up so I brought it up with them and everyone was trying to think of what I could possibly be doing in the morning that causes my heart rate spike to an active heart rate so quickly. My sister and mom realized at the same time and started dying laughing until I realized what the first thing I do in the morning...
Tl:dr family looked at my heart rate patterns and figured out I masturbate every morning.
Edit: to the 300+ comments that told me to say I do morning workout routines. WHERE WERE YOU AT DINNER BECAUSE I COULD HAVE USED YOU😂 | I feel like you missed a lot of self-reflection to not figure this out before you brought it up. |
My girlfriend and I have been together for several months now. We only see each other on weekends due to distance and work schedules, but this last weekend I fucked up.
Her friend was hanging out with us, who is also female. They were making out and grabbing on each other, and well one thing led to the next and I was involved. We went to the bed and started fucking, but before I went inside her friend, I looked at my girlfriend in the eyes and asked, "is this okay?"
She said yes, but shortly after this, my girlfriend got up and left but we thought she went to the bathroom. After a few minutes, we stopped having sex and went to look for her but couldn't find her for 15 min.
My girlfriend was understanding and wasn't upset with me, or her friend, or so I thought. I called her the following night cause I felt extremely guilty. She said it was okay and it was just a spur of the moment kind of thing. She simply asked that I never do it again.
Come this weekend, she breaks up with me over text saying she doesn't want to be with someone who slept with her friends. I absolutely love her so much but I let lust get between us.
I really fucked up guys..
TL;DR: I fucked my girlfriend's friend with her and then she broke up with me because she doesn't want to be with someone who slept with her friends. | This is quite possibly the most selfish shit I’ve ever read. She hooks up with her own friend, without asking you if it’s okay, then proceeds to literally tell you it’s okay for you to join, then breaks up with you for it.
Forget her, dude. |
This happened 30 minutes ago and is exactly what I get for going out during COVID.
I would also like to add that I'm still tipsy from the marg, so sorry for any errors...
So today is my birthday and has been incredibly uneventful. I took the day off of work, but despite that it's just been a normal day. No friend group gatherings, no gifts, just another day (and I'm totally fine with that). My mom on the other hand felt bad that there was no celebration of any kind, so she was insistent that we go to my favorite restaurant (a local Mexican restaurant). I agreed to go for a very early dinner.
We get there and are having a good time and it was nice to pretend the world was normal for a moment. I ordered a margarita, they ID'd me and figured out it was my birthday. Fast forward to the end of the dinner and I thought I was in the clear from a birthday celebration from the staff. As they bring the bill, they put a big sombrero on my head and started clapping and singing and set down a dessert in front of me. One of the guys had whipped cream on his finger and went in to put it on my nose, drunk me didn't comprehend that and was very confused. Due to the big sombrero covering my face, he was kind of stumbling trying to find my nose, I thought "oh I know what I'm supposed to do!" and my dumbass self sucked the whipped cream off his finger.
I realized immediately after that, no 'Dundermifflinhoe, that is not how you interact with strangers' but it was too late. They picked up the pace of their singing and the guy ran away right after and hid in the kitchen. The whole restaurant (which granted was like 10 other people, but still) stared at me and my mom couldn't stop laughing.
We got put the dessert in our to-go box and left. 23 years is off to a great start.
TL;DR - My waiter was trying to put whipped cream on my nose to celebrate my birthday, drunk me was confused and sucked his finger instead
EDIT: getting a lot of hate for going out during COVID. I agree with everyone saying that it was a stupid decision to go out to eat. It was. I know I’m the asshole. Thank you for all the lovely reminders in my inbox. I wanted a break from the stresses of life and went about it the wrong way. I take full responsibility.
EDIT PART 2: Guys, thank you so much for all the kind words. I appreciate every single person who has reached out to me. My inbox is flooded with messages and I can’t respond to everyone but just know that the positive responses really turned my day around. | If you makes you feel better once I (as the server) kissed my customer out of awkward confusion. Where I live it isn’t abnormal to greet somebody with a kiss on the cheek...but it also isn’t the norm. I was serving an elderly Hispanic gentleman’s birthday party (about 30 people) and he came up to introduce himself and his wife. We shook hands at the beginning and throughout the whole introduction he continued hold my hand in both of his. When I introduced myself to him, he leaned forward and turned his cheek towards me. So I leaned in and kissed it. He said, “oh no dear, I’m hard of hearing” and then he and his wife busted out laughing. I was sooo embarrassed and pretty quickly everyone in the room knew what I had done. On top of that, I had to go on to serve the party for the rest of the night. At the end of the night, he came up to me and told me that I had given him a good laugh and made his birthday with my mistake...so at least there was that. |
Ok guys, gonna make it short. This happened like a year ago, but i just remembered it and wanned to share
It was around noon, was feeling hungry, so i headed to my countries version of uber eats to order some nice lunch. Found the food i liked, proceeded to checkout and noticed, that the box where you can leave some message for the restaurant had no limit for characters.
So i got an idea, to "prank" the restaurant by copypasting entire bee movie script there, so it will get printed on the receipt. Thats where the FU happened. Few mins after i sent the order, got message it was canceled .. ok no big deal, might happen, so i wanned to order the some food somewhere else, when i noticed some black-ish smoke in a distance (it wasnt that far away, but was studying and didnt wanna leave my spot in library). Well shortly after, also like 2 firetrucs passed by, heading the restaurants direction. (ps: was on ground floor, "wall" was from glass, so you could easily se on the street)
The next day i read in local newspapers, that the exact restaurant caught fire because of some cash register malfunction
TL;DR: Ordered food online and set restaurant on fire by pasting bee movie script into the order-note box
have to edit here: thank you for those shiny medals gyus/gals! made my day <3 | I'm imagining a 50 foot receipt rivaling CVS automatically printing and curling up eventually forcing itself into a brick oven and suddenly lighting half the kitchen on fire |
Obligatory this happened 9 years ago but I still think about it every day.
It's a **long** one so buckle up.
(Apologies about the grammar and such, writing is not my forte.)
Me: $D
Friend/Co-Conspirator: $F
​
This story starts with me, a 'quiet but well liked throughout the school' 17 year old in IT class at my High School in a large suburban, two city public school district. We had one of the best high school IT programs in the country at the time for many reasons. Part of our class (of about 35) involved us going around the school to do basic maintenance on school computers. Although with the exception of myself and $F, our class never touched staff computers.
Myself and $F were the two students always finishing our two week classwork cycle in about two days. So we were always tasked by our IT Teacher with helping the school IT guy (district employee stationed at the school in the IT lab) to go around and fix issues throughout the building while everyone else worked on their classwork. Often, we were loaned the IT guy's keys and district keycard to go around the school and take care of business. (This is important later) Over time, myself and $F became well known by staff around the school for being able to fix "anything" so we eventually gained a lot of trust from our IT Teacher and District IT guy. To the point that we knew passwords we **ABOSOUTELY** should not have known.
We knew everything from the password to the surveillance system to the master (domain admin) password district IT used to access everything from HR files to grades to mechanical systems. This password literally let us access anything on any computer in the entire district. And before you ask, yes all buildings in the district (including admin) were linked together and no they weren't firewalled off from each other. Now we never used our powers maliciously as we loved our school and never would've done anything to harm anyone or damage any systems.
One day I thought to myself "wow, Information Security (InfoSec) in this district is **atrocious**, I wonder how easy it would be to test it from a student perspective, then present my findings to the district IT guy". This, would be the beginning of the biggest fuck up of my life.
(I'll try to keep the technical stuff to a minimum)
My mission started one day when I was tasked to grab a computer from a classroom and bring it to the lab. Easy enough. I was given IT guy's 35+ keys and sent off. While walking to the room, I dropped the ring, it took me a minute to find the right key on the ring. When I found it, since I was looking bit harder than usual at each key, I noticed something peculiar about the key he used to open doors inside the school. It was stamped DGM and looked different than the usual \*M stamp master key for this one high school building. Not seeing this abbreviation before, I thought, "ok this must be an important key since it works like a school master but looks different".
I opened the (empty) classroom, fired up a locksmithing app on my phone and took a digital impression of the key that gave me the bitting code so I could duplicate it later on, grabbed the computer, went back to the lab and gave the keys back. Curious about what this DGM stamp meant, I started googling on my phone, "DGM \[Key Manufacturer\]". It came up with GM as "Grand Master", the key above the master key. Nothing with DGM came up in the search. I thought "ok this is just the "grand master" key that opens all three buildings on the school property, NBD. (Main School, Theater, and Aux Gym buildings)
"Ok. but what does that D in DGM stand for? Nothing in the school district starts with a D, except... **District**. Holy shit, it must mean "District Grand Master. But they can't be stupid enough to make one key that opens doors in all 15 schools. Right?"
I get home and order a key duplicate on the website that built that locksmithing app. A week later it shows up and I bring it to school. Before gym class I tried it on one of the doors in the Aux gym and low and behold, it worked. Great! Part one of my test plan is complete. Someone with this key could cause a lot of damage if they wanted to, but how would they get past the alarm systems in each building? Because it would be difficult to discreetly do a lot of damage if the building was full of people. Naturally someone with ill intensions would carry out their act at night while the building alarms are armed.
I already knew that the alarm systems were controlled by keycards that every staff member in the district had. (It was an antiquated system with flaws known to the IT world) Their cards only worked for the buildings they worked in. So the cards, electric doors, and alarms must be controlled at the school level, not at the district admin office. Right?
So how was I going to get a hold of a keycard long enough to scan and duplicate it onto a new card? It required a laptop and a special piece of equipment that I couldn't just bring to school while everyone was there. I thought "I can't access the security system and lookup badge codes with the IT master password I know, that defeats the whole purpose of this test. Where's the next vulnerability in this system?" Then I realized, there's a gate to the staff parking lot that's opened with keycards, but not their district cards, they had separate cards for the gate. I scanned the entire network for this gate controller, but couldn't find it anywhere. "Good Job school district, leaving your gate system closed circuit. It's inconvenient to program, but definitely more secure."
Okay, so where is this gate controller located? I've got a district master key so when I find it, I can access it locally. I look at the gate itself and see a freshly paved line in the concrete leading from the gate motor to the Aux Gym. "Okay, its somewhere in the Aux Gym."
I wait until Saturday during Football practice, the Aux Gym is disarmed and the front door is open. Everyone's out on the field so no one will see me enter the building. "Hey there's a closet by the front door I'll try this one first." There it fucking is. The gate controller is mounted on the wall. I open up the panel and attach my laptop. "Fuck there's a password, what could it be? It's not going to be the master password, this isn't connected to the network." I look at the circuit board, there's a label with "admin - (name of city school is located in)". Unbelievable, that's the login. "District IT People are paid six-figures to make this shit up? Seriously?"
I accessed the swipe log and I noticed an interesting trend. Half the time someone swipes into the parking lot, there's an access denial that immediately precedes a valid gate card swipe. "They must be swiping their district cards first instead of the gate card!" Lucky for me, this system records badge numbers when access is denied. So I had access to several district keycard codes, protected by a password that is the name of our city. Wonderful. I sift through the logs and notice the names of three district janitors, all three with the preceding access denied messages and codes, followed by their valid gate cards. I remembered these people from my previous schools, so their district cards must open multiple buildings. (Remember when I mentioned that district buildings weren't firewalled off from each other on the network?)
I took one of the codes and encoded it onto a blank keycard with that special piece of equipment that cost me $20 on eBay, walked out the front door and scanned the card. I heard a loud click and the reader light turned green. Holy shit, I now have a DGM key and a keycard that disarms **EVERY** school alarm system in the district. Nothing is off limits to me. Part 2 complete.
I call up my friend $F who somewhat knew what I was doing, and once nighttime rolled around, we decided to visit almost every school in the district. Just to see if it actually worked. And boy it did. We easily swiped into each school, the alarm automatically disarmed, and the DGM key opened every door in every building we visited. I found myself thinking "Good Lord, security here is even more atrocious than I thought". We had the decency to rearm each building before we left and once we were done, we planned on telling the IT guy on monday when we went to class.
Well, my dumbass decided to try one more school the next day (Sunday Morning), I swiped in and within 10 seconds, the (middle school) principal walked through the door and asked "Who are you?" I could've bolted out the front door, but I wanted to be honest because they were gonna find out on monday anyways. So I told him who I was and what I was doing (very short version).
He took me to his office and had me sit down while he made a phone call. It was someone at the district office. All I heard him say was "I can't distinguish this from my own badge, its a perfect copy but it has his name and photo on it". He hangs up. Asks me more questions and it eventually leads to the DGM key. This especially panics him because he knew what it was but didn't know anyone other than the District Ops manager that had one. He makes another phone call, "This is (principal name) at (middle school) I need someone to come down here now." I'm thinking "Okay, someone from the district will be here to ask more questions, cool."
**Boy was I wrong**, within a few minutes about six police officers show up and start asking me questions. I'm honest, I tell them my plan and what I did. They all looked utterly confused by the end of my short explanation. They took the keycards and DGM key and asked me to call my parents to pick me up. They search my car and find pot in the trunk (oops). So there's a charge right there. They said they'll notify us later once they talk to the district and I was released into my dad's custody.
A few hours later, my mom gets a phone call from $VP saying I'm not to attend school monday and we will have a meeting that evening at the high school. "Okay, understandable. I haven't been able to explain myself. They're playing it safe."
**Whoops wrong again!**
​
IT Teacher: $ITT
District IT Director: $ITLady
Vice Principal: $VP
Cops: $PD
We arrive at the school for the meeting, my IT teacher is sitting in the school office with a disappointed yet very proud look on his face. As we arrived we were called into the conference room, I expected it to be just $VP, lmao no. It was $VP, two cops, and some random district official. My IT teacher was there just to translate the technical terms. I explain my whole plan, being interrupted many times by everyone to ask their questions. At one point $VP says "Jesus $ITT you're not supposed to be teaching this stuff!"
$ITT: $VP, Do you realize the amount of critical thinking and work that went into this project?"
Well, after he says this, there's a knock on the door. "$VP, $ITLady is here"
"Random district official" leaves and $ITLady enters and sits down in front of me"
$VP: $M this is $ITLady, the District Director of IT. She has some questions for you.
$M: Ok
She proceeds to tear into me, asking "WHAT DID YOU BREAK, WHAT DID YOU HACK?!" I could literally see the veins popping out of her head. She was **pissed the fuck off**.
She couldn't accept that a bored teenage kid that just wanted to see if this was possible, was able to compromise her systems in one week. At one point the officers asked her to leave the room and take a break because she was getting so worked up.
Fast forward to after the meeting, the police took myself, my mom, $VP, and $ITT to my house and seized all of my electronic equipment. Everything from my cell phone, to my laptop, to my WiFi adapter and everything in between. My favorite part was when they were searching my computer bag. The police officer opened it, rummaged around for a bit, taking everything electronic out, then gently and over dramatically pulling a strand of condom wrappers out in front of everybody.
$Mom: \*Glares at me\* Previously not knowing I was having sex at 17
$Mom's new BF: \*Leaves room immediately\*
$Cops: \*Looks at $VP not sure what to do\*
$ITT: \*Gently facepalms\*
$M: Thinking "Fuck, this is bad"
$VP: \*staring at the cops for about five seconds\* "Okay well let's move on"
They all leave after seizing basically everything I own.
​
Fast forward to a few days later, I get a letter from the district saying I have been suspended pending expulsion. Great.
We attend the expulsion hearing, I say exactly what I said in the first meeting with $VP and the cops.
Get another letter two days later, I'm expelled. We appeal to the school board and the district's lawyers. They don't want to hear any of it. Appeal denied. They're pressing full charges. Okay I didn't know what the charges were but they were pressing them. Cool, great.
​
Two months later I meet with county Juvenile, I again explain to them my story, they're just as confused as the district people but my Juvenile rep is taken back by my calm demeanor and willingness to share all the details. By this point the district has done a through investigation and found no evidence that I stole or caused damage to property or their computer networks. They then Inform me I'm being charged with:
\-- 9 counts of Felony Burglary 2
\-- 3 counts of Class A Misdemeanor Computer Crime
\-- 3 Counts of Class A Identity Theft
\-- 1 Count of Poss. Controlled Substance on School Grounds
I'm also ordered not to use any electronic devices until I see the judge. This included something as simple as a TV remote.
***Fuck Me***
​
I have a few more meetings with the County Juvenile rep, she was actually a very nice person and was surprised I was assigned to her in the first place because she usually got the murders and rapists. She got to know me and my true intensions with the entire plan over the next month.
Before my first hearing, she (the county) recommended to the school district not to press charges. They felt this could be remedied in-district, since while crimes were committed, I wasn't aware of the crimes and there was obviously no bad intent.
During the hearing, my Juvenile rep and shitty court appointed lawyer explained my side and the district lawyer explained theirs. The judge was extremely confused by the whole situation, saying "we've never seen a case like this before, at this point I don't know how to proceed" The DA also looked equally as confused.
Judge asked the district's lawyer: "How do you want to proceed?"
Lawyer: We'll take this under further review
Judge: $M expect a call from your Juvenile rep this week. Adjourned.
​
Three days later, we receive a call from Juvenile. The district is pursuing all charges and wants $80,000 in restitution for a new district security system. **Wonderful news.**
I live in a constant state of panic for the next three months while waiting for the next court date. I end up going to the district's alternate school for a while while attending twice weekly meetings at juvenile.
Went a few more times in front of the judge, my lawyer, Juvenile, and district lawyers doing all the talking, explaining the entire case to the judge. The district still insisting I stole and damaged district property even though I never did and they ever found any evidence.
About seven months into this, the Judge had enough. She didn't want to hear anything more and was going to issue my disposition (ruling) at the next hearing.
She explained that $80,000 in restitution was ludicrous and the district was going to pay for their own security upgrades if they chose to.
She then looked at me and asked me to rise.
Judge: "I have three options here Mr. $M"
"Option 1, I dismiss all of the charges and we'll be done here
Option 2: I drop the marijuana charge, reduce all other Charges to Attempted (Misdemeanors), and sentence you to one year bench probation
Option 3: I send you to jail right now"
I almost lost it right there.
Judge: "Based on what I've heard from our Juvenile rep and read in the police reports, I'd like to go with Option 1 and dismiss the charges. But because of the sheer severity of the crimes on paper, I am unable to do that. So I am going with Option 2. I hereby sentence you to one year of bench probation and order you to pay restitution in the amount of $3,200 for district staff overtime. Good luck Mr. $M."
I don't remember what was said after that because I was so relieved I almost passed out.
​
After three months of thinking I was going to prison for 20 years, it was all over. I was numb for the rest of the day.
All in all, The whole experience only left me with severe depression and anxiety for a few years but hey I'm not in prison. Great, right?
Actually it ended up better than I thought. I ended up graduating from the alternate school's accelerated graduation program shortly after that. (The district wanted me out of their hair ASAP)
I received a full diploma from my regular High School at the end of my junior year. I got to essentially skip most of my junior and all of my senior year of HS. Ended up working my ass off and got a great IT job at a company I still work for today. And now I have IT Director as my title.
And that is how I royally fucked up by shaming the fuck out of my school district
Shove it $ITLady!
​
TL;DR I exploited security flaws in my school district's security system. They got royally pissed and tried to send me to prison. Instead the judge gave me a slap on the wrist and I graduated a year an a half early. Now have a great job in IT.
​
Edit: [Some amount of proof that this isn't fake](https://imgur.com/a/3wruqc2) because I forgot people on the internet are asses
Edit2: random internet people, while yes, this story is extremely dumb and sounds extremely false, I swear on my life this story is 100% true. For the techies, I intentionally left out some details because they're boring to most people. If you have a question just ask. | I forgot to add,
After about six months after this all ended, my juvenile rep was about to retire, so herself and the county offered to help me sue the police department to get my stuff back.
We did, and when we went in front of the judge, she said, “I don’t want to revisit this case. Pick three things you want back.”
I said “your honor, I would like my laptop, cell phone, and portable hard drive back.”
Judge said “Granted. DA file paperwork for release of evidence from (local PD). We’re done here.
It lasted less than five minutes. |
While overseas, one of the things we were charged with doing on a regular basis was disposing of insane amounts of illegal drugs. We usually were most concerned with the opium/poppy industry; however, a larger pot bust was enough to give us something to do. Typically, we would raid a compound and find a couple 100 lb sacks of ground marijuana. Enough pot for a lifetime. The pot fields grow wild out there, football fields in size, and 8-10 feet tall. Sometimes taller. It’s grown in a way that corn is grown in the civilized world, with irrigation and pesticides. It’s a remarkable sight.
For those of you who have read my prior posts that mention marijuana use, I would like to clarify… I never touched the stuff overseas. Far too terrifying. They also mix pot with chicken poop and various other things so there’s another reason to steer clear.
Anyways, usually we just covered a couple hundred pounds of ground pot in diesel fuel, lit it on fire and went home. Far too risky to hang around and wait for it to burn. Well one day while searching a suspected HME (explosives) manufacturing house, we happened upon a room that had 7 or 8 100-pound bags (320 kg) of the sticky icky. If you know anything about pot, you know its fluffy. 700+ pounds was an absolute mountain. My mind reeled at how much money this would be worth back home. A literal fortune. This looked like The Hulk fell into a wood chipper.
A genius counterpart suggested that we bring Mt. Kushamanjaro back to our base and burn it in our own burn pit, rather than leaving it here.
“Well that’s a clever idea!” I thought, relieved that we wouldn’t have to risk getting ambushed with the biggest freaking smoke signal ever built.
Ah but ambushed, we were. The bags were loaded into pickup trucks and driven back to the base, hastily sliced open and dumped into the burn pit. I ran the idea by our leadership and we had a thumbs up all around.
​
The early effects weren’t bad. The smoke column went mostly straight up, however as it grew in size, it lazily pushed itself in the direction of the nearest guard tower, Tower 3. Jokes went around as we awaited the results. Coughing could be heard immediately and the private in Tower 3 called out to us:
“Hey we need to…. We need to… do something… like… now?” I could hear the brain cells slowing with every word.
This was a churchy type kid, having never been exposed to the sticky.
“Sergeant, I’m… I’m high as shit!” He yelled moments after. I panicked and sought a solution that would keep leadership out of it.
“Someone, relieve him!” (genius)
Several individuals raced to take over Tower 3. We devised a plan for a 10-minute rotation until the wind subsided. How perfectly that column of smoke engulfed the tower was perplexing. Like a lazy pot-nado. Around this time our fire really kicked up as the wind shifted and grew in intensity... right in the direction of the command post, and subsequently Tower 2. Several high-ranking leaders came out, looking furious.
“Who the hell approved this!!?” The First Sergeant yelled
“I believe you did..” The CO responded
“Well where’s the detail that brought it in?”
“That would be us First-Sergeant” Myself and a couple others. I thought back to the decision-making process and realized that I had a ton of responsibility in the matter. In fact, I was *really worried.* Abnormally concerned… I felt myself stammering over words, felt my heart begin to race, kept thinking “ohjesusohjesusohjesus I’m going to get caught...!” It was in that moment that I realized, I was sketching. I was proper baked, and not handling my shit well.
I turned around and just sort of, left the conversation. My leaders did not need to see me drool. I hazily walked back toward Tower 3, ground zero, to find a dozen or so soldiers laying in each other’s laps, goofing off, and having a ‘deep philosophical conversation’ about a bug’s journey through life.
Inert.
I wrote Tower 3 off as combat ineffective and wandered toward Tower 2 to see if I could help, a big stupid smile on my face. They seemed to be in better shape however were arguing about how long each should have to be in the tower. Apparently, the concept of time was no longer a thing. I started to address the issue with a random sergeant in the area, but we got side tracked in conversation about the effects of diesel fuel mixed with the pot. We theorized something stupid about how the diesel fuel had longer to soak in the smoke, and that it was causing the anger among the Tower 2 crew.
I assume the wind was completely dead now, as I remember the whole compound being covered in a light haze. [**Here**](https://imgur.com/a/LVZQg8F) is a crude blueprint (greenprint?) of the above narrative.
At this point I thought it would be best to find a snack and wondered to our dining tent to see what was up. Here I was reunited with half my squad. Instead of relishing in the moment, there was a trouble cloud over our heads, and I could tell we were all pretending to be perfectly fine. Minus a couple phantom giggles, we did a pretty good job getting through a meal.
Although I was personally quite effected, I think someone put the fire out, and a few hours later it was business as usual. A lot of stories flew around for months about the leadership getting high and what not. I did not personally see it. I came from ground zero, saw the leaders and returned to ground zero where I belonged. I theorize that my leaders took the same approach of handling it without involving their bosses. No repercussions followed.
TL;DR – Tried to burn a bunch of contraband, the wind shifted and the contraband burned us. | It's these types of stories that make me think I may be cut out for the military. |
Obligatory this happened about 18 years ago and, please, read the whole thing before passing judgement. :)
First, though, a little back story. My oldest child, my only daughter, was born in 1998. She's healthy, smart, witty, beautiful, and all the things a proud dad could hope for. At the time of this story, though, she was only about 3 years old.
My second child, however, was not so lucky with the health issues. At five weeks old, he had a near-miss SIDS incident that left him with massive brain damage and a host of other issues that stemmed from that. At the point of this story, he was in the state's Early Intervention program, which meant that we as a family got extra assistance with a few things, my daughter got preferential treatment to get into early education programs and a few things like that. For the events of this story, he was (as I recall) with my parents this day, but that's how we came to be at the particular event where this TIFU occurred.
These events happened sometime in early 2002. The early intervention program was having a dinner/event for family members, and so my wife, daughter and I were all going to this event. Due to life being life, my wife and daughter were heading to the event from home and I was heading directly there from work, meeting up with them there.
So, here we are, at an Early Intervention event sponsored by a state aid program, and the wife and I are chatting with director of this program, who is essentially a state empowered agent to look after the welfare of special needs children and their families. We'll call her Jenn for the sake of this story, which is definitely not her real name. My wife and I both like this state agent and were enjoying a conversation with her and my daughter was making the most of the event that did have other kids but was mostly for adults.
The conversation turned, however, when Jenn asks my daughter what's on her mind. I swear, to my dying day I will never forget exactly how my daughter replied to her: "**Mommy doesn't like it when Daddy beats us**."
I was, I hope understandably, speechless. I looked to my wife and she also had no clue where the hell that came from... we looked to Jenn who was looking back and forth between us, because she'd been working with us for a while and didn't think me capable of beating either of them. We turned back to my daughter to try to figure out what she was talking about.
It seems that since we arrived at the event separately, one of us had to get there first and that day it was me. When my wife arrived she noticed my car already in the parking lot. Since we had joked about racing there, she said something to my daughter to the effect of "Oh, darn, Daddy beat us." As in, I beat them to the event. I arrived first. But my daughter took the phrase "I beat them" to heart, and was happy to share it with Jenn when she asked how my daughter was. After all, she was 3, why would she be worried about other meanings of the phrase?
Once we figured that out, we shared a relieved if somewhat awkward laugh. The rest of the event came and went uneventfully; honestly, I don't remember much of it after that, as I was still recovering from the "OMFG" shock at what my daughter had said before we figured it out. Considering that my daughter said that to a state employee I'm very glad she knew us well enough to take the time to figure out what happened with us, but, yeah. I do still enjoy reminding my daughter every once in a while of how she did me wrong that day, but she usually rolls her eyes at me when I do.
TL;DR: My daughter told a state employee that I beat her and my wife to an event in a way that could have been easily misunderstood. | Kids say the darndest things |
First, some background. My partner always leaves a little bit of Coke Zero in his can after drinking it. And this is totally gross, but I love the taste of flat soda. So whenever I clean up the empty cans, I’ll take the last swig of whatever is left over. Really disgusting. I get it. Nobody’s perfect. This is my flaw.
ANYWHO. This morning I go to do this, as I always do. Come to find out, he had done a water test to test the ammonia, ph, nitrates etc in our aquarium’s salt water the night before. He had dumped the remnants of the test chemicals and salt water into his Coke Zero can, unbeknownst to me.
I picked it up this morning and was like “oh man, score there’s a lot left in here” and geared up to slurp it down. Slurp slurp slurp. Yes, I’m a disgusting human. Get over it.
Of course, upon initial contact with this horrific concoction, I had realized my grave error. I ended up spitting it out all over the living room and, not long after, my throat started to tingle. I mean, REALLY tingle.
This is when panic set in. I was alone. My dogs just stared at me.
This is how I die. What would the coroner think?
I ended up calling poison control to ask them if I was dying and had to tell them that I had accidentally consumed a mixture of aquarium water testing chemicals and salt water. This is harder to explain than one might think. Especially when you think you might be actively dying.
At this point my throat is PULSATING and I can feel my pulse quickening. I know I am probably imagining these problems, but I can’t help it.
After asking me several times, “Wait, you did what?” the kind man at poison control told me to gargle with vinegar, monitor my symptoms, and to not consume aquarium saltwater test chemicals ever again.
No shit.
TL;DR: TIFU by drinking what I thought was leftover flat soda. It was actually a mixture of flat soda, saltwater, and aquarium test chemicals. The fear of imminent death ensued. I’m fine, and poison control got a kick out of my story.
UPDATE:
Oh, wow. Thanks for the awards. My first gold, all because I’m a dumbass.
May my story be a cautionary tale to you all. Don’t drink beverages that have been left open and unattended, and don’t revel in someone else’s backwashed flat soda.
As for my boyfriend, yeah...he fucked up, too. At least we learned our lesson with minimal consequences. A fuck up all around. Be careful with chemicals. They ain’t playing around. | When I read the first sentence I was expecting this post to be about accidentally drinking tobacco spit at the bottom of a can thinking it was gonna be soda. |
This happened while ago while I was traveling to the US on a 9h flight from Europe.
*Context: I'm Greek / Lebanese and am a rather moderately hairy person, most of it on my face.*
I had an important meeting to attend in the US that was happening a few hours after I land, so I had to freshen up and prepare while on the plane still. A few hours into the flight, I went to the bathroom to change my clothes, wash my face and freshen up, shave and trim my beard, put on some deodorant etc. Took my backpack with me since I've got everything in there.
After spending some 5 minutes in there, struggling to move around the tiny bathroom stalls on planes, someone knocks on the door. I brushed it off with something along the lines of “I’ll be right out”, I thought someone needs to use the bathroom but it was clearly occupied. Another 5 minutes go by and I start hearing chatter outside and could feel some people moving around. I hear a knock again, at this point i had my shirt off and my face was half shaven with mousse all over the other half. I open the door in this questionable state. To my surprise I see 3 flight attendants looking terrified standing around the door... Two women and one man. So I laugh and ask them if there is a rule and a timer for how long you can use the bathroom or what exactly was going on. The man proceeds to tell me some passengers complained because they saw me go in with my backpack, and i stayed in there a while, so they were scared something was going down and reported it to the flight crew. Mind you it wasn’t even at the "questionable" beard or stage or anything... it had grown for some two weeks or more give or take ~~just a week or more of fuzz~~ (*edited to say that definitely more than a week’s btw should have been clearer*). So I laugh some more and tell him I fully understand, but I had an important meeting upon landing hence freshening up, and that i’ll need a bit longer to just shave fully and finish grooming myself. He then excuses himself and we laugh a bit then he goes away.
Shortly after he comes back knocking and I open, this time in a new fresh shirt and fully shaved, and i ask what’s up? He tells me that some passengers are still concerned i’m shaving my beard and thought I was shaving my body too since I opened the door with mousse dripping on my face and without my shirt on. I was very confused and at that stage started to get annoyed, just let me use the damn bathroom in peace there are many others people can use. **Turns out that apparently some extremist muslim groups do this before they "get up to no good"** (aka sacrifice their life in an act of holy retribution/terror/whatever the fuck you want to call it). Something about going to heaven freshly clean... So at this point i’m laughing too hard but I tell him I fully understand and that this is a good thing they check on such instances. I’d rather be safe than sorry. I then show him my meeting email with the time and date for the sake of their peace of mind. I also mentioned I was Christian born but not religious and that even as a Lebanese dude I had no idea terrorists were shaving before acts of terror, thanks for the information I didn't really need.
We then had a chat outside with the rest of the flight crew, laughing and making jokes. I could tell they were still a tiny bit paranoid but 95% apologetic. They didn't check my bag or anything and now that I think about it I should have shown them what was in the bag (snacks, iphone cables, some books, clothes and my toiletry bag).
**TL;DR - I groomed myself on a flight and the flight crew along with some passengers went full anti terror alert mode while fearing this was something more than just one beardy dude shaving and putting on fresh clothes.**
----
Edit:
[Here's a photo of where my beard was at more or less before I shaved](https://i.imgur.com/mOFrIPP.jpg)
[And here's a photo I took after I was done with the whole ordeal](https://i.imgur.com/noFtQ0o.png?1) (hoodie was swapped before meeting lol)
----
Edit 2: For the many "why would you shave on the plane" queries - it was a special circumstance trip that I booked on a day's notice and my beard grows too fast so shaving before we took off would mean I'd have some annoying stubble when we landed. I wanted to look as fresh as I could for that meeting and I did what I could with the given circumstances. I also groomed myself during a “lights off” time where everyone is asleep. Queues to bathrooms don’t form during that time. Remember, they **offer you shaving kits** on some business flights so to think anyone shaving on a plane is extreme is funny but understandable if you’re unaware. They have plugs for razors, hair dryers, etc in the plane bathroom stall. I mean they change poopy kids in there so think about that for a second Reddit.
Thanks for the feedback r/tifu! Can't believe this *blew up*. | Ah so thats what gallowboob looks like
Edit: alright where can I see this man's ass |
tldr at end
I live in a small apartment building in the middle of the city. Even though living directly in the city, the area tends to be really quiet.
I come home from work, eat whilst watching TV and slowly make myself hover to my beloved bed.
The urge of jerking off has been there all day, i just ignored it for today tho. Everything was quiet when i heard the first few things starting to bang against the other side of my wall. Thinking nothing of it i slowly drift off into sleep when suddenly, WHAM another strike hits. This time louder and more shaky.
I hear silent “moans” and loud “humping”.
We just recently got new neighbors, a young couple mid 20s.
As already mentioned, the urge to whack it was there all day, so i did what any man would do: i start jerking off to what i believe are sex sounds.
Time goes on and the noises are getting louder and louder.
Right as i finish i hear a loud *THOMB* like somebody just hit the floor.
In shook, heartrate at around 200bpm, i sit there.
I stare into the emptiness of my room.
Sitting there for what felt like years, was only 1 minute.
Slowly i get myself together and start cleaning up.
No new noise has since been heard.
Done with everything i lay in bed once again, this time ready for sleep.
That’s when i hear a loud *KNOCK KNOCK* from the other apartments door.
“Police, please open the door”
The door opens, the policemen swarm into the building.
The woman screaming, as she is being brought to the outside.
I look out the window
1 Cop and 1 Ambulance car.
My thoughts as slowly realize i just did the do to a woman getting beaten up.
I feel bad now.
I could’ve helped.
This shit gon give me PTSD for sure.
tldr:
what sounded like 2 people having sex, turned out to be a man beating up his woman. which i accidentally beat my meat to.
EDIT:
changed: “flick it” to “whack it”.
EDIT 2:
well lol this kinda blew up.
so thanks for the gold and these other awards.
still in shock tho
EDIT 3:
a lot of people think this is fake / a copy pasta / stolen.
sadly it’s not.
also i don’t know why people say “free karma”, i created the throwaway account especially for this instance. i’m never gonna use it again.
others think i’m a freak, like yeah alright.
and you’re flawless, aye? | If it makes you feel better, my boyfriend lives with 3 roommates - 2 of them are a couple and share the master bedroom. The walls in the apartment are pretty thin.
One morning after sleeping over, my boyfriend and I woke up to hear moaning coming from the living room (which is also very close to the master)- for a LONG time.
We avoided leaving the room at first because we assumed it was the other couple doing the do.
Turns out it was the third roommate, in a ton of pain suffering from kidney stones. He said he wasn’t able to get up after sleeping on the couch and was surprised no one came to help him. He ended up calling his mom to come pick him up.
When he was gone both bf and me and the other couple were talking and they didn’t come out either because they assumed we were having sex.
We all felt really bad.
Edit: I’m not answering the same questions about this over and over - “why didn’t he scream/call for help/call your phones or names? It’s his fault for doing it for attention.”
As some people have already mentioned, when you’re in a certain amount of pain, sometimes all you can do is moan, getting through words and sentences is impossible. It’s happened to me before.
This was maybe 6/7 in the morning - realizing we were all likely to still be sleeping - he DID get help, he called his mom, who’s a nurse, I should have mentioned. The moaning in question lasted 30-40 minutes before she got there to take him to the hospital. He wasn’t lying there for hours bemoaning why no one would come to his aid. |
Alrighty it’s now the morning after; I am so embarrassed with myself and my hubby won’t stop laughing at me.
Last night hubby & I had our first child free night in over 6 months (thanks for baby sitting grandma) & headed over to a friends place for a bbq & drinks around the bonfire.
As usual, as the night progresses the conversation turns to the topic of sex & masturbation. One of my girls friends starts talking about using the shower head to... you know 😉
As a 35 year old woman I had literally never thought to use the shower head for any other pleasure than washing my body. Sure, I have toys (I’m no prude) but I had never thought about using an everyday home appliance for my own pleasure down there.
The night ended and we went home. Smelling of the bonfire I tell hubby I’m having a shower & he says he doesn’t care, he’s going to bed.
I should admit I was pretty tipsy by the time we got home (we took an Uber in case anyone’s concerned we drove under the influence).
I’m washing myself and my hair and the thought hits me. Ok, imma try the shower head...
Ok feels good but need more pressure..
Ok feels better but I could still use more pressure..
Ohh ok that’s just right. Yeah that’s the spot... oh YEAH THAT’S THE SPOT!!!!!
...Screaming: Ahhhhhhhhhhh fuuuuuuuccckkkk!
Just as I was having a mind blowing orgasm, my leg jerked and gave way. I slid to the left and went crash right into the shower screen, smashing it as I managed to land out of the shower holding myself planking on the toilet.
Hubby came running in and I’m telling you it was a fucking sight.
I’m planked from the shower across the toilet (In like a stiff leaning position), glass everywhere, a bit of blood and a shower head just dangling from the wall going at full speed while I’m crying from the pain and laughing from the embarrassment.
I fucked up y’all.
It takes hubby a few seconds to compose himself because he thinks this is the funniest shit that’s ever happened.
I managed only a few cuts to my left arm from basically flying with the glass onto the toilet and a few cuts on my feet. Lucky.
Anyway we went to the ED because I did have a few decent cuts but I only ended up needing 2 stitches in my arm and 3 on the side of my foot from where some glass got stuck. Again, lucky.
I told the nurse & doctor that I slipped while cleaning the shower. You know, because most people clean their shower at 1am.
I’ll be telling our landlord the same thing today.
TL;DR went to town on myself with the shower head, as I orgasmed I slipped and fell through the shower screen and went to the ED for a few stitches.
Edit: changed the TLDR for u/Nemyosel - hope this eases some pain mate
Edit: thanks for reading about my misfortune, for sharing your stories and for having a laugh with (and at) me. Thanks for the awards too.
To answer the biggest question: I was embarrassed and panicked when I said I was cleaning and slipped rather than just saying I slipped. Stupid I know, but none of us are perfect.
To all the men jealous of the female clit, just remember you can pee anywhere with ease and we can’t so you’ve got that 😂
To the people who criticized my writing style, my overuse of the word hubby, who think I’m a man, who slid into my DMs just to slut shame me & tell me off- fucking hell just get over it and scroll on by. I’m not responding to anyone who attacks me, it’s pretty sad you’ve got nothing better to do than bring negativity where it’s just not needed.
I’ve also learnt that the shower head seems to be the most common way for us females to get off and I’ve learnt a lot about how to do it safely so thank you! | *glass shattering orgasm |
Mandatory: this happened last week but still
So, my friend and I have been close for a long time and he tells me all his secrets because he knows I would never (intentionally) tell his secrets to anyone. I am known in my friend group for being a steel trap for secrets because I don't care, and don't have a good enough memory to share with anyone what they tell me.
My friend, lets call him Hiram, confided in me a while ago that he went to hang out with a female cousin of his, lets call her Amelia. Well, Hiram and Amelia always had a weird relationship because Hiram always found Amelia very attractive, and he thought she would flirt with him sometimes. They ended up going to a movie together and ended up playing hide the cucumber in the back of his PT Cruiser. He tells me this in a dairy queen parking lot, and I nearly had aneurysm. So, I sat on the secret for like 2 years, and I was doing so good in the whole "not sharing earth shattering secrets" department.
Fast forward to last week. I was hanging out with Hiram, and some of his other cousins, all of whom are men who he has not had sex with (to my knowledge), and we were just playing video games and having a good time. At some point Amelia comes up in conversation between all of us. His male cousins snicker a little bit because apparently they knew he had a crush on her at some point, but I interpreted their snickers as them knowing that Hiram had boned Amelia. I wasn't too wrong for thinking this because these guys tell each other EVERYTHING. So, anyway I say "dude I still cant believe you banged your cousin" and one of his other cousins yells "YOU WHAT". I think at that moment I saw Hirams life force leave his body. Now, I have to live with the fact that I may have just destroyed an entire family with one sentence.
So, anyway I'm now going into witness protection because Hiram is going to fucking kill me, forward any of my mail to my new address in Argentina.
Adios muchachos
\- Anon
TL;DR- I unearthed my friends long kept secret of him boning his cousin in front of his other cousins, and now for the rest of their lives family reunions are going to be very very awkward.
​
edit: spelling | I don't know what's more embarassing, banging your cousin or owning a PT cruiser |
TIFU by going blind and posting in r/pics
A friendly Redditor [u/kevindavebob] suggested I post on TIFU so thank you for the great idea (and for being nice to me). This is certainly a TIFU and it all just happened so I’m still feeling pretty terrible about it.
I have a rare disease called Usher syndrome that is causing me to go blind and deaf. One of the ways I cope with having this disease is by traveling whenever I can to create visual memories before I go blind. I went to Iceland to try to see the northern lights. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of actually being able to see the northern lights. I didn’t know if it would be too late for me to see them.
I really wanted to share my story about going blind and seeing the northern lights, hoping to generate awareness for Usher syndrome. Only having a phone camera and being a very amateur photographer, I certainly can’t capture the beauty and experience of witnessing the lights. I was able to find a public use image on the internet that would properly convey my story and experience. The photo has been linked so many times that I didn’t spend time searching for the original source (you can see where this is going….).
With my genuine caption, generic photo, and source to my story and blog (no ads) in the comments, I posted in r/pics. I chatted with a few kind Redditors about my story and was really happy to see people learning about Usher syndrome. Then I went to sleep….
Well, all hell broke loose.
My post made it to the front page of r/all. #1 in fact. I woke up to THOUSANDS of hurtful messages and comments – calling me a liar and telling me I don’t have my disease, Redditors telling me they’re happy I’m going blind if it is true, that I should kill myself, etc. (there were some way worse ones I won’t write here).
I wish the mods took my post down while I was sleeping but it made it to the front page and stayed up for some reason despite Reddit telling me I was a fraud. It then got posted to r/quityourbullshit where I got even more hate. I didn’t say it was my picture, but I didn’t credit the photographer. I SERIOUSLY fucked up.
I can’t even tell you guys how upset all of this made me. Living with Usher syndrome is NOT easy. There is no cure and it’s terrifying losing both my vision and my hearing. My vision especially. I want nothing more than to try to raise awareness for Usher syndrome to discover a cure. Not just for myself, but for everyone else who also has to live with this rare disease.
I was so focused on my mission to raise awareness and share my story, I didn’t make the effort to credit the photographer the way I should have. I fucked up Reddit.
I am getting so much hate now, even outside of Reddit from people finding me on my blog and other social accounts just to attack me. I’m sad that my post which intended to raise awareness for Usher syndrome turned into fuel for such negativity. We have too much negativity in this world and it’s got to stop at some point.
Thank you to everyone who was understanding and realized I made a mistake. Thank you Luke Stackpoole for making your beautiful photo free for the public to use. I’m sorry for not taking the time to find you and credit you before. Your entire portfolio https://www.withluke.com/ is stunning.
From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry for misleading everyone and not posting correctly on r/pics.
I really did fuck up, though.
TLDR; I tried to raise awareness for Usher syndrome by posting a picture on r/pics and failing to credit the photographer, Luke Stackpoole. My post made it to the front page and Reddit now hates me.
Edit: A nice Redditor (u/omichandralekha) suggested I share the non-profit that donates to Usher syndrome research so here you go (no need to click on it if you don't want to, it just takes you to the homepage of this non-profit where you can learn more about it all) - The Usher Syndrome Society: www.ushersyndromesociety.org. Also, full disclosure: I am on the board of directors and it's a pretty amazing organization! | I hope this post turns it around for you. |
This happened yesterday, but I didn't realize what I had done until this morning.
I was in the car running errands with my four year old son when he suddenly asks, "Why are some people Joul-ish on Christmas?" I vaguely remembered him watching some cartoons where bad guys want to steal Christmas, and I figured he meant "jealous." So I told him, "Well, those people are not nice, and they're greedy, and they want all the toys for themselves and not share, and I don't want you to be like that at all." He seemed to accept this and the conversation moved to something else.
This morning my husband asked me if I told our son that Jewish people wanted all the toys to themselves. I immediately realized what happened. My son's daycare celebrated Hannukah last week by coloring menorahs and making dreidels and he was curious about Jewish people.
TLDR: My son asked about Jewish people, but I thought he said "jealous" people and I explained how greedy those people are. | I have a friend who several years ago bought a tent at an outdoor equipment/clothing shop called Blacks. She took the tent to a huge outdoor festival, started chatting to some friends on the camping site with tens of thousands people milling about, & started to complain about the shop.
Apparently at one point she very loudly exclaimed “I hate Blacks!”. The realisation hit pretty quickly, & she cried out in an even louder tone “the outdoor store! Blacks the outdoor store!”. I don’t think she stayed outside long enough to gauge the reactions of the people nearby haha. |
A friend-of-a-friend has apparently been into escape rooms for a while now, and finally decided to create his own as a Halloween party experience for his friends.
Since I don't know him, and wouldn't realistically be coming to the party, I agreed to take part in a test along with three other random folks that had been gathered for the dry run. It ended up being a group of four people who totally didn't know each other at all, as opposed to any sort of cohesive group of friends or employees.
Our host told us a ton of rules and guidelines. Don't break ANYthing, NO answers are hidden on or in something you have to ruin in order to see it, and so on. He was going to stand inside the room with us, but was to be ignored as if he wasn't there. This was in case we needed any direction or if we started doing something against the rules. He wore a black mask and black clothing.
Immediately at the start of the game, everyone got quiet and started looking around slowly. As I mentioned, no one knew each other - and it was really awkward. I didn't want to be the "guy who's super excited to lead the group", and I guess they didn't either.
The escape room was history-themed. Computer-printed photos of historical figures and explorers on the walls, a cheap dollar store style globe on an end table, and so on. Lots of books stacked around.
The first thing I did was look at the combination lock on the door, which had four numbered rollers.
I put in the first relevant number I thought of, 1492, the date Christopher Columbus landed in the Americas.
Lock opens.
Things got a thousand times more awkward.
I apologized and explained the situation to the host, who told me to sit down for the duration, re-locked the door, and asked the remaining guests to figure out where the combination was hidden. The host was incredibly angry, but only in so much as I could hear it in his voice and see it in how he moved - mainly closing and re-locking the door hard. He didn't call me out for doing an obviously brain-dead thing and didn't say anything rude.
Soonafter, I decided it'd be better if I just left, apologizing again.
​
TL;DR - Put the first thing that came to mind into a combination lock, ruined an escape room.
​
**Edit:** Was told second-hand that he was (is?) mad I tried the lock right away instead of engaging with the puzzles at all. I can see how that can be considered a dick move, personally, but I appreciate everyone assuring me I didn't FU. I agree with you on principle I suppose, but I also can see how going directly for the lock was rude in a certain light. The escape room was "intended to be easier than normal" for the guests, the majority of whom haven't done one before. Dunno if that's legit or an excuse, of course. Thanks for all the positive responses!! | Isn't this sort of thing what dry runs are supposed to suss out? |
So today was pretty f*cking eventful.
First, obligatory backstory: My best friend and I often go out on weekends, get drunk, party at clubs, etc. it’s a lot of fun when everyone’s enjoying themselves and letting loose. One weekend, my best friend’s older brother came home from Croatia ( First time in a couple years) to catch-up with the fam and had plans with him to go out on the weekend. He offers me if I want to come but I want them to have quality bro time so I pass, truly wanting them to catch-up and have some family time.
It just so happened that weekend of all weekends that my best friend (We’ll call him L) got into a fight with another group of guys. Although he and his bro didn’t sustain too much damage from the fight (The other group were wasted from alcohol and pills) L and I got into talking about joining a martial arts gym. It would be for fun and fitness, plus, learning how to defend yourself seemed smart.
We caught up and chilled at a local public playground (Keep in mind, imagine two grown ass young adults climbing up and around a tiny playground in broad daylight) and began discussing joining a local kickboxing gym. Being best friends, we started talking some sh*t, saying how much we’d deck the other and how we’d essentially easily F*ck the other up. We began to mock fight in public with parents and children walking by on the sidewalk with amusement tinged with judgement.
It was just two 18yr olds messing around.
All of a sudden, I say something stupid in a mock Japanese accent (I’m Asian.. chill) and proceed to attempt a jumping, flying, roundhouse, no-idea-where-the-f*ck-my-legis-going kick at L, when this child that couldn’t be over 8 jumps in and says “Hiiyaahh”
I couldn’t stop my momentum and proceeded to YEET this kid into the sandpit...
No amount of bracing could protect our ears from the banshee scream that erupted from his mouth.
I went into instant panic mode, running to the kid to check on him. He wasn’t seriously injured, but my leg collided pretty hard.
His older brother or something came over, laughing his ass off. I apologised profusely to both the kid and his brother, and when he stopped crying I talked him up about how strong he was to take such a ass whoopin.
His bro lightly scolded him for running into an area where two tall dipshits were flailing their legs and fists. All in all, it was pretty wholesome, the child had a new story to tell at school, and I got to kick a child in the face... Win-Win. (that’s a joke)
TL:DR
Best friend and I were pretend fighting in a public park and when I attempted to do a ridiculous kick I saw on UFC, a kid jumped in and became collateral damage. Worth it.
Edit: Holy shit, thanks for the silver and gold, I am not worthy of this. I made this post at 12am last night and when I woke up, I was not prepared for the absolute ass load of humorous and kind comments.
I appreciate you all!
Edit #2: I didn’t make one point clear enough regarding the playground. Besides people walking past the area on the sidewalk, the playground was empty. L and I made sure that our presence wasn’t making anyone scared or uncomfortable, if there were children already playing, we wouldn’t have even entered the playground area at all.
Hope that kinda clears some shiz up | Best shit ive read all morning lol
​ |
Obligatory, wasn't today, but 2 days ago.
So my gf and I adopted a new kitten a week ago. She's a very curious kitten, as many are and she always has to be wherever my girlfriend or I go. She also has very little concern for personal space so that also makes for some interesting moments.
Well my girlfriend was in the bathroom washing her face before bed, and I had to take a piss like a fire hydrant as I had been drinking some beers throughout the evening. So I went into the bathroom and began to pee. As I was standing there next to my girlfriend filling up the sparkling white bowl, with powerwasher type pressure, the sound of my piss splashing in the water suddenly disappeared and all I could hear was a sound that resembled water draining onto a carpeted floor. I looked down into my bowl of golden fury, and to my horror, the kitten was standing inside the toilet bowl with my stream of piss splashing off the back of her head. I started screaming "OH FUCK!" And managed to pinch off my stream. The kitten didnt seem to mind getting wet via golden shower, but as soon as I pinched off my stream she bolted out of the toilet and started sprinting around our apartment. This all happened in a matter of seconds and my girlfriend was standing there, jaw on the floor, and began laughing hysterically yelling at me to go catch the cat.
It took me a few minutes to get our kitten cornered and grab her soaked, shaking little body and bring her back to the bathroom. I set her in the tub and I had to hold this piss covered feline still while my girlfriend sprayed her down with the shower head. I got her dried off and then she ran away from me and has since been very cautious whenever she comes anywhere near me. The last few nights I've woken up to her sitting on my chest, face to my face, and staring into my soul. I dont know what shes planning, but I'm sure she'll get her payback sooner or later.
My girlfriend thinks it's the funniest thing shes ever seen, but she's still a little salty that I pissed on our new kitten..
TL:DR - I gave my first and hopefully last, golden shower.... To my new kitten...
Edit - Vegeta! What does the scouter say about his upvote level?! IT'S OVER 9000!!!!!!!
Here's the little devil in question: https://imgur.com/a/nGv22WI | 10/10 you will get murdered by that cat. Keeps us updated when you do. |
My wife is great, let me start off with that. I am really shocked I ended up married to her; everybody that knows me never lets me forget how lucky I am. She is like a master at being functional, whereas I'm not. When we do household chores together, she gets this beatific expression of contentment; it's adorable.
About three months ago, we were both in the yard; I was mowing and she was gardening (we live in WA state; it is warmish here in the winter). I couldn't help but notice how wonderful she looked. I stopped mowing, went over to her, and said something like "I love you so much, you look so homely." She seemed fine. A week or so later, I said it again. "You are the most HOMELY person I've ever met." She didn't seem to respond as expected; I just figured she was down.
See, I thought "homely" was like some adorable snow white type shit; homes are cozy and make you feel safe, right? Here was my wife, going around the house, dusting and playing with the cat, saying hello to houseplants, and doing it in a way that gave me cozy, or what I thought were "homely" feelings. I kept calling her homely for another month or so; I could feel some distance between us but couldn't source it. Then it happened.
I got home from work, and went to give my (now sad and confused) wife a hug. "My GOD you are just SO HOMELY!!" She pushed me away, looked me right in the eyes, and said "I...don't think you know what that means. You've been saying it for months, and I really think you have NO idea." So I looked it up, and found that (at least in America) no, "homely" doesn't mean cute, or cozy. It means ugly or unattractive. I thought I was complimenting my wife whenever I called her homely, when I was really just killing her soul a little bit at a time. With that unfortunate misunderstanding fixed, we are now doing fine.
TL;DR I thought "homely" meant cute, and ended up calling my wife homely for months. Found out that It means ugly. We both died inside.
Edit: To those who wonder why she took so long to tell me, all I can say is that I wondered the same thing. My wife is *extremely* chill; that's part of what I love about her. What she told me was "Your body language didn't match up with the word." Every time I called her homely, I projected an otherwise kind and loving presence. I think that dissonance really weirded her out. She's always struggled with assertiveness; that, her general chillness, and my strange demeanor was apparently a perfect storm that lead to repression.
Edit #2: We live in Western Washington, which is quite warm in the winter compared to the upper Midwest where I grew up. As long as the grass is green, it's warm to me. | If it makes you feel better, my SO tried to tell me that I was beautiful and intelligent once. However, ADHD brain kicked in and what he actually said was "You know how some women are just beautiful and some are just intelligent? Well you're neither! :D"
As soon as the words left his mouth his brain cells kicked in and he spent the next 20 minutes trying to correct himself by shoving the entirety of his foot in his mouth.
Edit: I should add the we had only been dating for a few months at this point, and between me violently cry laughing and doubled over with side stitches trying to catch my breath he yelled at me to "shut up for like five seconds I'm trying to tell you that I love you, not that you're ugly". That was the first time he had ever told me he loved me, and apparently he had this long thoughtful speech planned about all the ways he thought I was special and amazing to him. Instead I got called ugly and dumb lmmaaoooo
To his credit he just got done a double clopen at work and was in the middle of his senior thesis. |
Okay, so by TIFU standards, this is pretty tame, but considering the years of agony I unintentionally put myself through, I think it qualifies.
I have fairly weird-sized feet. They're very wide, but not all that long. I have no arch to speak of. I'm a fairly short guy, about 5'7", and that has always played a role in my shoe size selection. I'm pretty short so I should be wearing a fairly small size, right?
Wrong.
When I was a kid, my mom would measure the new shoes she bought for me by pressing the toe and making sure I had about a half-inch to an inch of space to grow into.
As an adult, I assumed, well, since I'm full-grown, I should buy shoes in which my toes reach all the way to the end. For me, that's a size 10 (US).
Problem was, I kept blowing out the sides of the shoes with my wide-ass feet... no problem, I'll switch to size 10W.
Still no luck. Still blowing the sides out of them and suffering chronic foot pain. My running shoes were so ill-fitted that I actually suffered a hairline fracture from running with my pancake feet jammed into those narrow little torture chambers.
My friend was getting rid of a bunch of stuff he didn't need, including a pair of really nice brand-new size 11.5W Nikes. I said, "Sure, fuck it, I'll take them, let's see how they fit."
Oh. My. God.
It was like wearing pillows made of clouds on my feet. I was walking on cotton candy and unicorn farts. I had no idea how much misery I had been in until I wore those shoes. I wonder now if some of my poor life decisions have just been because I was in a bad mood because of so much needless foot pain and didn't realize it. There's about 3/4 of an inch of room in the toes but that doesn't bother me at all.
TL;DR - I'm almost 36, and for fully 18 years I have been wearing shoes a size and a half too small because I was too much of an idiot to try on larger shoes. | I did this into my 20s, only the opposite.
I’m pretty tiny. At some point I had a pair of shoes that were a size 6. I assumed I was a size 6. I had friends who would wear sneakers without the laces tied. One day I asked one how they could do that and still walk.
“Because my shoes fit.”
Lightbulb.
Turns out I’m actually a size 5. I had been wearing a full size too big and pulling laces super friggin tight for years. 🤦🏼♀️
Kinda sucks though, cause 5s are fuckall impossible to find.
EDITED TO ADD:
This is weird to have to clarify, as my user name is my name and I used the blonde chick emoji, but I am in fact, female. (Or I’ve been part of a very well run prank for the last 38 years.) I wear a size 5 women’s, which corresponds to a 3 in kid’s.
- light up shoes aren’t generally comfortable and get old quick. LoL.
- I mostly wear Skechers as they’re insanely cushy, but have recently gone outside my comfort zone and scored a pair of Adidas and a pair of Nikes (they’re shiny!)
[twitter post ](https://twitter.com/thejennimae/status/1140259521568432129?s=21) |
Obligatory this happened about a month ago. Me and my girlfriend were sitting around bored during quarantine playing sporcle quizzes on the computer when somehow the question of what the average dick size is came up. Since we were sitting at a computer, I was like, well why not look it up? (This was my first mistake...)
I pulled up this article that had a nice looking bell curve and you can look at the percentiles and what not. The average was around 5 inches or so, like yours truly. Then as she was looking she said "Huh, I wonder where 9 inches falls on this graph". At this moment, the gears started turning in my head.. What an oddly specific length to ask about. I ask her, "why did you ask about 9 inches in particular??" (my second mistake..) and then she casually mentioned that she had a \*COUPLE\* of exes that were 9 inches. A COUPLE!!! That's about as likely as dating two guys that are taller than 6'10"! (for perspective 6.3 inches was 95th percentile, 7 inches was 98th or something, so 9 is literally off the charts)
Needless to say, I became super insecure and for the next few days we'd be in the middle of sexy time and all of a sudden the image of her getting dicked down by a monstrous 9 inch cock twice my size would pop in my head killing my mood. Like there's no way I can measure up. Now a month later, I'm mostly over it but every once in a while the image pops in my head again and I think back to the moment where I wrote my own death sentence by asking questions I didn't want to know the answer to.
tl;dr TIFU by looking up average dick size, asking too many questions, and finding out all my gf's exes are bigger than me by a lot | As a gay man that has seen lots and lots of cock in person, let me say that the average penis is smaller then 5 inches. And a larger then 7 inches I have only seen twice in 20 years. One was 7 and one was 9. Don't believe her, ask her how long 9 inches is and have her move her hands apart. I'm betting she will put them either at the 6 inch or the 2 foot distance. |
It is currently 1:00am. This happened about 20 mimiutes ago. I am currently bawling my eyes out from humiliation and shock. I will write out this event as if you were me. I will not include details before I knew them.
It all started when I (f23) got home late from work. We had a meeting after the park was closed and didn't get home until 10pm. I take a shower and smoke my dab pen while drying my hair. (I then proceeded to forget the next hour) So, my hair was dry and I was playing Red Dead Online. I had just got comfy when I hear my cat Winnie make a strange meow. My cat only meows like this when she sees something outside. It's like a low yowl and not a cute meow. I pause the game and take my headphones off. She is meowing in the living room. She runs into the doorway to my bedroom and meows again. I follow her out into my living room which is only lit by a night light. I see that my motion activated light is on outside. Winnie is looking through the blinds and meows again and again. The light goes off and then comes back on.
I call my roommate(m26). He is at work and gets off in an hour. I am fried at this point and I'm thinking that I am over reacting. Winnie meows louder and longer. Over and over. I'm freaking out and a shadow from my patio moves. A few seconds later, there is a knock on the door. I feel my heart in my ears. The heartbeats are really loud and everything is in slow motion. I'm staring at the door for what seems like about 30 seconds but was probably only 2 or 3. I dart to my room, lock my door, and then was in my closet with a large knife. I don't remember if I got the knife before or after the knocking.
I'm on the phone to police. My breath is incredibly shaky and raspy. I'm having memories and images of my family and friends rushing through my head. Then I think of my parents and how I need to call them but I'm on the phone with 911 telling them info and location. I am mentally preparing to kill someone or die. The 911 dispatcher was silent. She said there were 2 officers close.
Silence.
I ask where they are. She tells me they are turning into my apartment. I wait the most painful 30 seconds of my life. If seriously felt like 10 minutes. I hear voices at my front door.
I hear the dispatchers voice.
She asks "did you order delivery?"
TL:DR, I forgot I ordered delivery and called the cops on my delivery driver for delivering my food.
PS, sorry for formatting. On phone.
Edit: wow this blew up overnight. Of course, thanks for the gold, kind stranger and everyone else who awarded or commented on this post. I love reading all of your funny and related replies. Shit happens and we laugh and learn from it.
Edit 2: since I keep getting asked, yes I still feel awful, yes I tipped the driver online and no, the cops and the driver did not see eachother. The driver dropped my food at the door. | Would it have been less embarrassing if you had ambushed the delivery guy with the knife and spent the night gnawing on your order in the bushes? Perhaps. But I think this outcome is a pretty favorable one, all things considered. |
I'm not a native speaker of Da Inglish so please bear with me.
TL;DR at the bottom as this sub requires a minimum of 750 characters per post.
A couple of days ago my wife had a dream where I cheated on her and later leaving her to live with the other woman. She told me about her dream in the morning, clearly distressed. Trying to defuse the situation, I decided to create a funny origin story of the girl I was seeing in her dream. I named her Brumhilda, as this name doesn't exist where we live and I thought it added volume and certain mystery to her character.
The next day I posted a funny comment on a Facebook page, and received a Haha reaction from a user named Brumhilda. I thought it was hilarious and showed it to my wife, who promptly sent me to sleep on the sofa
TL;DR
Wife dreams I'm cheating on her, I try to turn lemons to lemonade only to be shafted by Murphy's Law and my own stupidity | Life gave you lemons and you went ahead and squeezed them into your eyes |
Alright, so this is an old story, but when I found this sub, I had to share.
When I used to be a Muslim, I had an app on my phone that would sound the adhaan, when it was time for prayer.
I was on holiday the day of the fuckup. I got into a hotel elevator, this was shortly after the Paris attacks. There were roughly six people in it. Then the adhaan for prayer started blasting from my phone. For those who don’t know, the adhaan starts with allahu Akbar. When that blasted from my phone, the elevator went into mass hysteria, people were crying, screaming, another man tackled me and held me down. I had to explain to them that I wasn’t a terrorist. Then everyone just started laughing.
I understand that everyone may think this isn’t a fuckup, but I feel like I shouldn’t have had my adhaan blasting like that after an incident like the Paris attacks.
Tl;Dr: adhaan blares in elevator, everyone thinks I’m about to blow up the elevator.
EDIT: Holy fucking shit, this post has blown up.
Thanks to the people who awarded me silvers and gold:)
I need to clear some stuff up first:
When I meant laugh, (ik, that segment was worded horribly) I’m not referring to full out laughter. Just some chuckling and light laughing(if that’s even a thing)
Please stop with all these questions about my religion, let me make this clear, if you message me about my religion, I will not respond. So stop.
And one gripe, a large amount of negative comments, in most of them the person commenting doesn’t seem to understand the full magnitude of the incident and why it provoked that response, please take the effort to fucking understand what I wrote first :)
And to all the haters who are send messages to me calling this story fake, I really don’t care if you think my story is real or not. I’m not here to argue about whether this actually happened. | I love that the elevator went from terror to laughter in seconds. And that OP didn't think everybody was a dick for assuming they were all going to die. |
So last night I went out as I do every Saturday.
When I got there I met up with my friends and started the night with a couple of beers, but ended the night with a bit more than I could handle. After that I went straight home and instantly fell asleep on the couch as I was trying to lay down on it "just to rest for a moment".
I woke up around 5 today and my right arm felt a bit weird. It was cold and I couldn't move it at all.
At first I didn't panic at all because this has happened to me before because I sometimes sleep with my arm under my head. However today I slept with my arm under the side of my body ( I got a little over 100kg/220 lbs) with my back against the back-rest of the couch. After about 20 minutes of relaxing and massaging the arm with little to no signs of improvement I woke up my parents and after I explained my situation, my mom (who is a doctor) suggested we go to the hospital immediately.
During my 2 hour stay at the hospital the arm became significantly better as the time went on.
However my fingers and my wrist (not nearly as much as fingers but it still felt a bit off) movement were problematic. After getting some tests done on the arm nerves (which I hope I never do again) I waited for the results. A little over an hour passes and the doctor came back with the results.
It appears that I have done damage to a nerve with my hip while I was asleep and will most likely never be able to fully contract my right hand (I'm right handed) fingers . At first the doctor didn't know how I managed to fall asleep in such an uncomfortable position, but after I told him what I have done the night before he told me that it is a common thing, but that it usually doesn't end up this badly.
Now I'm sitting at home writing this one-handed on my phone contemplating life just because of two beers too much.
TL;DR: Drunkenly fell asleep in a bad position and permanently damaged my arm nerves. | Jerez this should be a PSA. I often wake up with that pins and needles feeling in my arms because I too sleep with my arm under my head. And I often drink a lot of beers too.
Scary stuff, hope it gets better. |
So, the obligatory “this happened before my wife recently gave birth to our 2nd child, and hormones were off the charts”.
My very pregnant wife wakes up and I am already awake, having made coffee for myself and prepared tea in anticipation for a relaxed morning. I’m watching a PBS special about WWII submarines and she sat down with her tea and started to watch.
So my wife isn’t a huge history buff and I am constantly reminding her of the order of commonly-known events. She is incredibly intelligent but she apparently had a very boring history teacher and never absorbed the information. As such, she had no idea that submarines
were actually torpedo-carrying murder machines that were designed to blow up their enemies.
I look at her and she’s bawling…tears running down her face and she says, “But I thought submarines were just like for exploration and fun and stuff.” I chalk it up to hormones, but I really ruined a nice morning.
TL;DR made my pregnant wife cry when she found out that submarines are war machines
Edit:
Wow, went to sleep and this got a bit hairy. Thank you to those who understand pregnancy brain and found this as cute, albeit shocking as I did. No thank you to those who went straight to calling my wife horrible things or assuming anything else about her, and a big FU to those saying anything mean about my kids. Without going into much detail, yes, she had a sheltered childhood where she didn’t encounter submarines all too often, in the water, on land, or in the media. I guess her parents never gave her the “submarine talk”. She does in fact know a lot more about the grisly details of war now, as we have been trying to get her up to date, especially about the world wars. She may have had an inkling before that submarines were evil, but I don’t think it was something she wanted to hear that morning. Pretty sure she thought they were used in war, but just for spying on the enemy. Be nice, and may you all keep your heads above water. | Introduce her to Seaquest. Will balance out the military side. |
When I picked them up from school today I was requested to go to the principals office. First thing I thought was “what the hell did my dumbass kid do this time”. Stroll on in only to find out that The administration was concerned that both my kids have bruises on their legs, arms, and face. I immediate thought “oh shit they are about to call CPS on me”
Now, I don’t beat my kids in fact, I’ve never laid a hand on them. You see, my kids train in jiu jitsu and have been going hard on their training now that COVID restrictions have been relaxed. It was a very interesting conversation. I had video evidence of my kid getting a foot in the face and they ended up being very embarrassed about the whole thing. Honestly though, I’m glad they called me in because you never know what home life is like and hopefully they’ve gotten some kids out of a bad situation.
TL;DR - School thought I beat my kids, but all their bruises come from jiu jitsu training. | Having been a teacher who had students who tried to hide bruises and cigarette burns, it would be a huge relief for the staff.
I'm glad that your kids have teachers who care enough to say something. |
This didn't really happen today, more like over the course of the past 4 years. This is a throwaway because I'm very embarrassed. Sorry about formatting, I'm typing this on mobile. My girlfriend of 3 years passed away in a car accident about 4 years ago. It was a horrible event and I still haven't been able to get back into the game since. I was and still am very much in love with her. Now to the fuck up.
My favorite possession of all time is her pillow. It smells like her, and I usually sleep with it every night. I haven't washed it out of fear of losing the smell (I know, gross but I don't think straight anymore). I hold it and hug it and it makes me feel warm inside. But this morning when I went for a particularly long morning run I started smelling the smell. Really strong. It confused me but I wasn't going to start complaining.
This morning, about 20 minutes ago I arrived back home and went to change out of my workout clothes. And the smell grew more pungent. This was the moment I realized that after 4 years of sleeping with her pillow, I got it all dirty and smelly and that was the smell my brain now associates with her. I'm embarrassed and distraught that the smell I thought was hers has transformed into my sleep sweat.
TL;DR- Slept with my passed away girlfriends pillow for 4 years, and have fallen in love with my man sweat.
Edit: I would reply to all of you if I could, but today has been very emotionally taxing. Thanks for all your kind words. | This is heartbreaking, I’m so sorry OP. |
Throwaway account in case I regret this post as much as I regret what prompted it. TL:DR below. Sorry for the length. Didn't realize all this word vomit would end up being somehat cathartic.
Last night I decided to get into my car completely naked. I had one job. Meet my gf at her place. Drive us back to my place. End of story. No stripping required. However. As the day was coming to an end, the anticipation of spending time alone with my gf was clouding my judgment. All of a sudden I was horny and thinking it would be kind of kinky to show up naked behind the wheel and saying something silly like "excuse me, ma'am... did you call an Uber X?". I was rock hard thinking about the risk factor and how my gf would react. I imagined her laughing at the absurdity but also being somewhat turned on by the nudity. I wasn't too worried about other people catching me because my plan was not to interact with anyone else and to stay in the car until I was back inside my garage.
I realized I fucked up the moment I pulled into the parking bay and noticed my gf standing in the rain with an umbrella and her two roommates huddled underneath. All of them were frantically waving at me like "OMG, please hurry, it's pouring". I had two choices. Proceed as planned and accept my fate. Or preserve my dignity and leave my gf and her roommates in the rain. I drove my naked ass out of there feeling conflicted as fuck. In my defense, there was never any mention of roommates joining us. My gf called and assumed I didn't see them somehow. I apologized and explained, albeit fearfully, why she just witnessed me drive away without her. I promised I'd be back to pick them up in 30 minutes or less. Fully dressed. It was tricky trying to pinpoint if my gf was entertained or annoyed during that phone call. That being said, I couldn't help but feel like I was pushing her buttons when I asked her to lie to her roommates about my reason for fleeing the premises.
My gf said it wouldn't be necessary to tell lies because she had me on loudspeaker the entire time. Crickets. I fucking died inside. I could hear the roommates laughing in the background before one of them said "tell him to turn around". At that moment, another call came through. Unknown number. My saving grace. Or so I thought. I said goodbye to my gf and discovered it was my mother who didn't realize she was still using her work phone after hours. My mom asked where I was because she just arrived at my place. I said I wasn't home and stressed what a bad time it was for her to pop in unannounced. She said she had leftover lasagna for me. My favourite. I said I'd be home in a few minutes and made it clear that when I arrive I'm gonna drive directly into my garage and open the front door from the inside. I emphasized that she should remain in her car, out of the rain, and under no circumstances should she approach me until she saw me in the house looking decent.
My mom approached me as soon as she heard me honk. Her vehicle was blocking my driveway but instead of getting out of the way so I could access my garage and avoid being seen in the nude, she got out of her car without warning and marched to my car with a plate of lasagna wrapped in tinfoil. I was tempted to drive away again, but I didn't have the balls to abandon both women in my life on the same night in the same way. I rolled down my window and said "mother, stop". She did not stop. Not until she realized I was wearing nothing but my seat belt. I asked her to please move her vehicle and not ask questions. She caught me naked. Of course she asked questions. Lots of questions.
I made it sound like it was nothing more than a dumb prank between friends but my mom was convinced I was under the influence of her nemesis, Satan. I knew what that meant. She was using Satan as a metaphor to describe my gf, which she's done before. Usually I'd bite and we would argue but I didn't have time to dive into that debate because once I was done getting dressed, I had to leave again. On my way out, my mom proceeded to pray out loud. I froze at the door and had to wait until she was done updating God about yet another classic example of how her son was being tempted by the flesh into committing acts of indecency. As usual it was over the top theatrics and passive aggressive slut shaming towards my gf. Somehow all of this was her fault, not mine, I was just a victim of a Jezebel. It took everything in my power not to lose my shit during that prayer.
Fast forward to the most uncomfortable car ride of my life. My gf didn't really make conversation (or eye contact) other than asking if I didn't mind dropping her roommates at the mall. I could tell she was embarrassed by me. It was my first time meeting her roommates in person and it was obvious they didn't know how to behave around me. I apologized to all of them for my actions and promised never to leave my house naked again. Not gonna lie, acknowledging what I did made it even more awkward. I got zero replies. Just forced smiles. My gf turned on the radio instead of talking to me. Due to the bad weather we had one radio station available. A talk station. So, there we all were, awkwardly listening to people who suffer from misophonia discuss how disturbing specific sex sounds were to them. Fuck last night.
**TL:DR Made plans to pick up my gf. Got horny thinking about her. Decided to drive naked as a sexy surprise. Realized my gf was waiting for me with her roommates. Left them all in the rain to go home and put on something to wear. Got caught by my religious mom who happened to be at my house. Had to listen to her badmouth my gf with Satan metaphors and prayer. Got dressed. Returned to my gf and her roommates. Cue awkward car ride.** | Moral of the story: Nude dude looks crude, mom's rude, gets screwed. |
Well for starters this was several years ago when I was a young police officer in a college town in the South. I am retired now.
To set this up our department had been teaching us American Sign Language to help officers serve the public. I was all about learning sign language and picked some up pretty quickly, or so I thought.
Well one night in the summer I am on traffic enforcement looking for drunk drivers and about 1am I stop a car for speeding. As approach the car a young and very pretty co-ed was driving. I start talking to her but she indicates that she is Deaf. Now I still had the ASL for police officers class from a week ago fresh in my mind and I think to myself “great I get to use a new talent in the field”.
I indicate that I can sign and she smiles, so far so good! Now I need to add that I was nervous since this was the first time I had used this on the street and she was very pretty.
I then sign that I needed to see her drivers license. A look of terror crossed her face and my cop radar went off. I was thinking what have I stumbled upon. I had dealt with people that didn’t have a license, were dangerous, were drunk, or had warrants.
I again sign that I am a police officer and I needed to see her drivers license now and put my cop face on. I also remembered that to a deaf person the look on your face is equivalent to your tone of voice and apparently I was near screaming with my look.
Now to add to this it is 1am, it is very dark on a side street and I am 6’2 230 lbs. and she is about 5’2 and maybe 100lbs.
This poor girl was FREAKED OUT!
I finally realize I haven’t stopped a serial killer and simply ask “well why?” To which she looks down at her crotch and shakes her head violently NO.
Well my little pea brain begins to gather information in and I realize that I had been lazy in signing the sign for drivers license and instead had been signing “ I am a police officer, show me your vagina!”
I still cringe at that and I must have lit up the road with the 1.1 gigawatts red face and the look of embarrassment/horror caught her off guard (well she was on guard 100% at that point) and she realized that I wasn’t a rouge police officer using my authority to sexually assault her on a dark street, but just a cop that sucked at ASL. Well she started laughing at me and it had to be the relief she felt mixed the humor of what I did. It took several minutes to compose herself and I just stood there and took it looking as sheepish as I ever have. I earned every second of her laughing. I just kept apologizing over and over (I’m glad I got that one right at least)
Needless to say she DID NOT get a ticket but a story about this well meaning but dumb police officer that severely messed up a traffic stop.
TL/DR: I pulled over a pretty deaf woman, asked in ASL to see her drivers license but mistakenly signed vagina instead of drivers license. Hilarity ensues. | "I must have lit up the road with the 1.1 gigawatts red face ... I wasn’t a rouge police officer"
You just said you were a rouge police officer, haha. |
You hear this story millions of times of people unknowingly hooking up with their relatives and finding out about this atrocity in the most awkward ways, and mine was no exception.. even had to create a new account cause it is so embarrassing
I was talking to this guy on Hinge who had the softest of hazel eyes, and at the time, I thought he was the one. After exchanging a few messages, we decide to go on a date, and one thing lead to another, and we were a couple. We dated for about 5 months, until the horror struck us that we were relatives...
Since we are both in our mid 20s, we were moved away from home and hadn’t had time to meet each other’s parents. Instead of doing the traditional, I’ll bring you over to meet my parents, and I’ll go over to meet yours, we decided for a dinner with both our parents. You can pretty much tell where this story goes now.
Long story short, we took our families out to a restaurant, and when my father stood up from the table to introduce himself to my boyfriend’s mother, his face turned completely white, as he was looking directly at his cousin(Uncle’s daughter). It took her a second to realize as well. Since my family and his family live on opposite sides of the states, our parents hadn’t seen each other in about 30 years, and it was coincidence that my boyfriend and I moved to the same city. We could tell something was wrong the way our parent looked at each other, and they informed us that we were related. Even though we loved each other, we decided it wasn’t right to do. That was one of the hardest breakups of my life, but it had to be done for the sake of our family. I told my friends that it didn’t work out and silently removed everything from social media..
TLDR; dated a boy from hinge for about 5 months, and discovered he was my cousin after our parents informed us while out to dinner
Edit: Okay, too many comments about if we had sex.... and yes, your imaginations are now filled.. | I'm sorry, that sounds like a rough situation.
Even though 2nd cousins are sometimes called "kissing cousins" due to the ability to legally marry, its still a bad situation to find yourself in.
Mad respect for breaking it off quietly, too.
Edit for clarity: the "difficulty of this situation" I'm taking about is the family tension that obviously rose out of the relationship. I'm aware that 2nd cousins are not genetically close enough to pose risks outside of families with recessive genetic disorders. Not something you'd want to have a 5-generation streak of, but once (even probably every other generation) is not going to kill the family tree. |
Recently I came across this vegan food at Trader Joe’s called Tempeh. I’m not vegan but I’m trying to eat cleaner. I meal prepped quite a few meals for the week and last night I had two containers of pre cooked tempeh.
I woke up early this morning with the most god awful farts one could imagine. My stomach churned and ached. Every minute a new fart was coming out. And the smell was rancid. You could smell it and literally think my pants were full of shit.
Never before in the history of being alive did I think I’d have to call out of work for farting too much, but it’s 5:20pm on the west coast and I’m still lettin them rip.
I’m pretty sure I cannot handle soy, seeing as how this tempeh product is pretty much a soy based vegan food. Never again will I eat this stuff. I have never had such terrible stomach aches before.
TL;DR: I tried starting off the new year eating a clean vegan food but found out it makes me fart uncontrollably which caused me to waste a sick day at work. | Today I Farted Uncontrollably (TIFU) |
This happened 2 weeks ago:
I (f) met my friend's (m) fiance a couple of months ago when he moved with her back to his home town. The fiance and I got on well enough and we tentatively started to form a friendship.
The night before their wedding, my friend stayed over at his brother's.
I stayed the night at their house with the bride. She had no friends or family in town and I was by default the bridesmaid.
Feeling kind of sorry for her for not having had a Bachelorette party or anyone around, I suggested that we go out to have a few drinks, celebrate her last few hours of singlehood.
She agreed. I ordered a beer and a tequila each for the first round, thinking that we'd start with a shooter, have a few beers and end off with a shooter, nothing wild. I didn't want to be the cause of a severely hungover bride.
After the first tequila hit her stomach, she changed, became more animated, I put it down to just pre-wedding excitement.
No one told me that she was a recovering addict who hasn't had a drink in 4 years. No one.
In the past when I visited, my friend and myself would drink beer and she wouldn't, I always thought that it was because she wasn't particularly fond of beer or alcohol. I have lots of girl friends like that, who will only drink on certain occasions.
But I like beer - (the Hon. Brett Kavanaugh)
The bride started chugging beers and shooters like a fratboy. I tried to stop her, she wouldn't listen to reason. She became more and more aggressive, so I just backed off. Had I known then what I know now, I would've made a bigger effort, even if that may have meant a black eye or bloody nose for me.
As Murphy would have it, she chose the exact moment to go to the restroom as a girl who was doing lines in the stall next to hers. The bride asked and got given. Anything for the Bride, right? 'Oh my gawd, oh wonderful, you're getting married tomorrow, here's another'
The night went downhill from there. She was like a freight train, with me barely hanging on.
She phoned her husband-to-be and told him that the wedding was off, that she's changed her mind.
I felt like dog-shit.
I eventually managed to get her home at around 04h00. He was waiting for her. She screamed at him and he shouted at me.
They postponed the wedding.
I feel so, so bad. I never wanted to cause shit for either one of them.
TL;DR I took my friend's fiance out for a drink the night before their wedding, thinking I was doing a nice thing. Didn't realize that she was a recovering addict and the wedding got postponed. | Thought this was gonna be a story about how you accidentally banged her or something. But Jesus that was wild |
I was at a party two weeks ago, where I only knew two people. when in walks this guy who immediately gave me this really big smile and I thought he was so gorgeous. We ended up talking in the same circle and he introduces himself. We start chatting and quickly find the circle around us has disappeared and it is just us.
He is so smart, his smile is outrageously cute, and I love how he seems laser focused on me instead of one of the many attractive women that have now joined the party and are talking about their cool Raya dates.
As the night wore on, I found myself talking to various different groups, but, each time this guy would appear again and we'd end up just talking to each other again. Someone who neither of us knew came up and said we made an attractive couple, and I realized somehow in the span of two hours we were already acting like a couple. It wasn't just being sexually attracted to him, I felt so comfortable around him and he was so attentive to my needs.
I told him offhand I had allergies to the dog at the party. Hours later when I started sneezing he immediately knew why and moved us outside. His smile was the thing that immediately caught my attention but it was the thoughtfulness that made it so at the end of the night, we catch an Uber home together and end up kissing. Before the Uber drops him off I give him my number.
Sunday comes, don't hear from him. Ok, ok, I get it, we both got home at 4am and I too just want to sleep the day away.
Monday comes. Silence.
Tuesday, even more silence. I know I've read how it is "uncool" to text a girl immediately because you want to seem super cool and wanted, but we're both in our mid-thirties and, I hoped, realized these mind games are bullshit. If you like someone, text them when you can. Life is too short to be with people half-interested in you.
Wednesday comes and I'm a mixture of angry and over it and insecure all at the same time. How dare he lead me on like this! ...Well, I guess I'm glad I only wasted one night on this asshole....was I not pretty enough? All these thoughts raced through my head and coalesced into me typing his name and work place into Google to see if I can find him.
Turns out, he was incredibly easy to find. I was planning on just looking at him because I missed his face, but I accidentally clicked the link that brought me to his LinkedIn page. Yikes! Now he'll know that I stalked him which made me feel even worse. >.< I probably looked crazy.
Welp, since I was already on his page I guess I'd look at where he had worked. Maybe he wasn't really interesting and I'd feel better about him ghosting me.
Nope, turns out he is not only very smart but also humble because his resume listed a dozen different cool jobs, impressive schools he's attended, things he's worked on. Great, I probably wasn't impressive enough for him. -_-
Not thirty minutes later he friends me on LinkedIn, but seems surprised that I was reaching out. He had evidently texted me that night, and again the next day, only to not hear anything back. I had ghosted him.
And this is how we found out my fuck up. When I gave him my number, turns out I was off by a digit. Turns out, tipsy me isn't so great at typing or proofreading.
If I hadn't been a creepy LinkedIn stalker, it could have been months, if ever, before we would have seen each other again. Right now we're laughing about it and setting up our first real date. Wish me luck Reddit!
TL;DR Thought a cute guy was ghosting me. Turns out, I gave him the wrong number. Fixed my fuck up by using my cyber stalking skills, and now we're going on a date! | Can’t believe sliding into someone’s linkedin DMs actually worked |
Throwaway because I want to cry in embarrassment. Warning... poop talk below!
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months and absolutely DO NOT discuss bathroom habits. Nothing. So, I can't share this horrible fuck up with him so I'm telling it to you nasty people.
We've been quarantining together at his place for about a month and it's been really great. Tonight, I just got finished with a run and decided to take a hot steamy shower. But first, I had to empty the tank (runners will know the feeling). After, I hop into the shower and do my thing.
Now, I don't know how you people wash your butt but here's how I do it - I get the washcloth nice and sudsy, wipe down all my crevices, and then lean forward facing opposite of the shower head, spread the cheeks, and let the water pressure get in there. Well, I must have been REALLY relaxed because next thing I know... there is poop on the bottom of the bathtub. Like a decent sized log. I didn't even feel it come out. I am HORRIFIED and kind of stare at it for a few seconds wondering how this just escaped me. I quickly lean out of the shower to grab some toilet paper and guess what... the poop slithered down towards the drain! Now I have the poop stuck in the water stream and only being held up by the drain, so without thinking, I try to grab it, only for it to be smashed down and liquified even further. Fuck!!!!
I turned the water off and grab a new piece of TP. I tried wiping the inside of the drain, but it just made it even worse. Now I added wet TP pieces to the mix. I unscrew the drain cap and let it run in the sink, only for even smaller pieces of poop to come out and get stuck in THAT drain! I repeat the process and finally get the sink drain clean.
10 minutes pass and my boyfriend is still wondering why I'm in the bathroom even though the water is turned off.
Back to the bathtub drain - I keep wiping and just keep getting more poop! Does he poop in the shower too?! There is no way this is just from me! He had some cleaner under the sink so I sprayed the living shit out of the drain and hoped it was fine.
It doesn't stop there. All of that TP I was using? Yeah, I was tossing it into the toilet. When I finally got my drain situation under control, I flushed the toilet... only for it to be clogged with so much toilet paper. And he doesn't have a plunger. So now I've been in this bathroom for a solid 40 minutes and need to explain to my boyfriend that I clogged his toilet - but not from massive shits - but from toilet paper, because I pooped in his shower (????).
Well, I had to say something, so I left the bathroom red as a lobster and explained I accidentally flushed a tampon and it clogged the toilet so I need to run to the pharmacy to procure a plunger.
He believed me.
Taking new butt washing suggestions now...
**TLDR:** My bowels were so relaxed that I accidentally pooped in my boyfriend's shower. I had a hard time hiding the evidence.
EDIT: Since many of you need clarification... here you go. Yes, I DID poop before I showered. i thought I was all emptied out. By “decent log,” I would say it was the size of my thumb. It was a decent size for something I didn’t feel. I forgot that we all have different perspectives of what decent looks like. After reading the comments, I think what happened is that I gave myself an accidental enema. When I’m washing away, I like to get ALLLLLLLLLL the places clean, and I think the hot water jet made the bad things happen. I am a healthy person otherwise, but thank you for your concerns 😍 | > So, I can't share this horrible fuck up with him so I'm telling it to you nasty people.
We are all distinguished and highly respected individuals I will have you know. |
Happened this week and I just read another user's post about breathing through one nostril and I felt inspired to share my own story.
Context: I've had tubes in my ears my whole life, 24 of my 25 years. My childhood is filled with eat eat infections, vaccuums, drops, 6 nurses holding me down as I fought them off, and surgery. I've had 5 to 8 sets of tubes in my ears. My mom and I honestly lost count because there were just too many. My last tube set was put in when I was in 5th grade I believe. I was around 10 or 11.
I've lived my entire life with them and they've never caused problems. In fact they've helped a few times! I feel absolutely no pressure in my ears on airplanes because the tubes equalize pressure slowing me to be fine. It's awesome.
So here's where the issues started. 4 months ago I started waking up to watery ears, which for me is a really bad sign. I ignored it because at this point in my life ENT doctors give me a lot of anxiety. But the symptoms started getting worse so last month I bit the bullet and went in. I saw the same doctor I had seen and a child. I couldn't believe he was still alive! He told me I developed a polyp on my tube and it's been in there so long he wants to remove it. I knew this day would come so I agreed.
My surgery was last Thursday and immediately post OP I realized things were off. My ear popped more times than I could count and I realize I feel air pressure now - no more carefree plane rides. My hearing was incredibly sensitive as well. Usually I blast my damn music in my car but now I drive around at 6 volume. And finally my voice has changed. The way I sound to myself it's completely different to what I've come to know over the course of my life. I can't really tell if I'm whispering or shouting just yet because I've never heard this voice before and it's going to take some getting used to. The kicker is that the doctor only removed my right tube, so now my hearing feels...uneven. I guess having something in my ear canal for 24 years effected my hearing - who would have guessed?! I genuinely did not.
PARENTS: please remove your child's ear tubes before they reach adulthood.
Edit: Thank you for the gold! Thank you so much for the Platinum!!! Thank you for the silver!!!
TLDR: I've lived my entire life with tubes in my ears and they were effecting my life in more ways than I realized. | My daughters ENT says tubes shouldn’t be in longer than 2 years. After a second set it’s almost unheard of to do a third. The long wear tubes are only meant for 18 months to 2 years. How did you get a set that stayed in for so long? |
[Original Post and TIFU](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/e6aso0/tifu_by_accidentally_ghosting_great_first_date/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x)
Hi Reddit! As promised, here is a follow-up! I found him!
And ironically, Reddit had nothing to do with the reconnection, but I appreciate how sweet and supportive the Reddit community has been in trying to help me.
# So here's the full story:
I tried the GPS-spoofing Tinder hack so many of you suggested and was able to land my account in Gangnam, Seoul where I initially was when I matched with him. But to my dismay, I couldn't find him at all. I narrowed down my options to his age-range, but it still didn't work. My index finger was swiping left constantly, that I felt like a broken record. I swiped left on hundreds of guys until eventually, there were no more matches to be found.
So I finally decide to replay the entire date over again in my head and suddenly recall my date explaining how he signed up for a language exchange app to learn English and how he's an active member. I didn't recall the name of the app, but it was a total big-brained move that I didn't utilize the power bequeathed before my very hands, which was google. So now, with a million fewer IQ points, I search "language exchange apps popular in Korea" and was presented with a few options. Immediately one of the icons displayed looked very familiar! *"That's the one",* I thought, "t*hat's the app that he showed me during our date".* I rushed to the app store to download the app and impatiently fill out the prompts to create a new account. I selected the "want to learn Korean" and "want to teach English" options. Finally, I was done creating my profile. The app told me it would take up to 7 days to approve of my account, so I can start finding language exchange partners. Since this was my only lead left, I unwillingly played the waiting game.
An hour later, I receive a notification that my account was approved! I rushed to the app and nervously scanned the Korean profiles that popped up in my feed. There were profiles after profiles of teen girls with straight black hair and wispy bangs trying to emulate their favorite k-pop idol, or middle-aged guys with unflattering selfie angles, but none of them was the guy I was looking for. I was a bit dejected but found out that the premium subscription allowed me to search for specific users. I fidget around, trying to find my date from the free user's list, but was finding very little luck with that method. I caved in, shelling out the $20 for the premium subscription, justifying that it makes sense to pay for it because at least I'll get to practice speaking different languages. (although that was just an excuse to hopefully rekindle with him). Once my transaction was complete, I accessed the search bar and typed in his Tinder alias. My reasoning was that since his actual, Korean, name is so common (think John Smith), he wouldn't put it on the app. I held my breath, waiting for the results to show up... but no results were found. I was slightly disappointed but did not lose hope. Maybe by a stroke of luck, searching by his Korean name would work? I was doubtful, but grasping at whichever straws I had left. From past experience, searching up his Korean name on facebook gave me more than a hundred results, but none of them were him. I typed in his Korean name and pressed enter. I resumed holding my breath and prayed that this would work. The words "2 results" popped up on my screen. I frantically looked at the results. The first profile was a buff dude with a gnarly bleached blonde goatee. "*Not my guy,"* I dismissed*.* Then I quickly glimpsed at the second profile and my eyes widened and my heart froze. It was *him.* It was the guy I so desperately tried to find this past week.
I clicked on his profile, but suddenly, my anxiety kicked in. *What if I message him and he thinks I'm too desperate and is turned off?* I panicked but forced myself to initiate a message anyways. Like what was I going to say? "*Hey sorry for ghosting you for a week, are we gucci?" What if he's mad? What if he doesn't like me anymore?* I took a deep breath to clear my mind and tried to articulately explain my situation in a few sentences. I repeatedly revised and deleted parts of my opening message before I finally decided to take the dive and hit send.
Then it was playing the waiting game again. One perk about being a premium member on this app was that you got to see when users are active. After a few minutes, the app said he was active right now. "*Great*", I thought optimistically, *"he'll message me soon, and we'll clear up all misunderstandings"*. Minutes went by and he didn't respond. *That's okay, maybe he's in a conversation with someone else...* Several minutes turned into an hour, and one hour turned into two hours. My stomach churned. Maybe I really did FU by not being cautious enough with my messaging apps. I mean, what kind of sick psychological game was this, making me receive a taste of my own medicine?
Every time my phone buzzed with a notification from the language app, my ears perked up a bit. But it was always some middle-aged guy propositioning me for sex or a white dude with yellow fever trying to use the new pickup lines he learned in Japanese. Occasionally, I'd get a wholesome friend request from someone genuinely trying to learn English, but nevertheless, out of all the 32 messages I received, none were from my date. Yet, I gave him the benefit of the doubt from experiencing how overwhelming the app could be within those 2 hours. I changed my language exchange profile to exactly mirror my Tinder profile and put my language exchange profile on high visibility mode so that he would notice it. Suddenly, I got an influx of messages from various users in addition to the Reddit notifications from my previous TIFU. I couldn't stand it and temporarily muted all my notifications on my phone and headed to class for 4 hours. After class, I was ready to cut my losses and understood if my date didn't want to contact me again. However, I decided to open up the app after class and check my messages, not expecting anything to happen. But still, within me was a nestled hope, that he still wanted to reach out to me.
And there it was, nestled within all the other messages was an unread message from my date. Even though I said I was ready to cut my losses just a few minutes before, I couldn't help but squeal. I couldn't stop my smiling and did an excitement lap around the hallway outside my classroom. He seemed genuinely **happy** that I found him again and that he could keep in contact with **me**! I was jumping for joy on the way back home. We resumed our conversation from the week before as if nothing happened!
Later in the day, he called me (through the language app), and we talked about our crazy weeks. I'm just so glad to have found him again and talk to him about various topics. I don't need some crazy intense romcom-esque relationship, I'm just content with just keeping in contact and seeing what goes from there!
**TL;DR:** Found my date I accidentally ghosted on a language exchange app after relentless searching because my brain decided to remember something important.
I want to thank Reddit for putting the effort into helping me find the guy! Your support helped me gain the courage to take the extra step into searching for him <3
Edit: apparently the app I used doesn’t need premium to search for users. Fml, I’m out of $20
Edit 2: I THINK HE READ THE POST, HE’S ASKING ME ODDLY SPECIFIC QUESTIONS. ABORT
Edit 3: False alarm, he just added my alternate (non banned) Kakao account because apparently he literally has no other social media. We talked more and he said he was afraid I hated him after ghosting him LOL. He reconfirmed that he had a great time on our date! I decided to stop being a scared b*tch and told him I was glad to have met him again. We’re supposed to video call tomorrow! Yay | >And ironically, Reddit had nothing to do with the reconnection
We did it Reddit! |
So basically I was in class with one of my friends who takes the same subject, he was super energetic and always wearing semi-formal clothing.
This is in my relaxed electronics class where everyone moves around and is always chatting away. So, it's mufiday and look over at my friend who was leaning over a desk with his ass sticking out, while he was talking to another student.
So I go up and with a huge wind up, slap his ass so hard that he immediately jumps up, as if he's just jumped out of his own skin.
You see, the problem with that was that the person I slapped was not actually my friend... but our teacher.
Everyone is at a stand still, waiting for my death penelty, especially my friend whose just staring my down at this point. Now the teacher's face goes bright red, and I'm starting to freak out thinking I'm doomed.
Except, the teacher just sits down, looks me in the eyes and says, "Hewy (not my real name but username will do). Save that for after class" with a big grin on his face.
Everyone at this point bursts out laughing as I'm sitting here absolutely shitting my pants thinking I was about to get kicked out of school.
God, I love my teach hahaha
TL;DR
I was having a good day in class, when I mistakingly slapped my teachers ass and get totally embarrassed by the comment he makes at the end of it. | Did you stay after class!?!? |
I'm not sure I'm together enough yet to actually tell tell this story.
You see... It happened about a half hour ago. I'm still shaken.
I will list the pertinent facts and assume you are smart enough to construct the narrative.
--I am the stay at home full time caregiver for my father.
--he is a fat man
--my mom is here too.... But she is tiny and not strong enough to move him.
--sometimes my dad has to pee in the middle of the night.
--they are too nice to wake me up for this.
--my mom grabs a big cup and helps dad while they are both lying down.
--usually she dumps the cup in the toilet. No problems.
--moms getting old, sometimes forgets, and simply left the full cup on the living room coffee table.
--mom often finishes her day with a big glass of lemonade.
--she usually leaves whatever is leftover in that cup on the coffee table.
--last night I had a few drinks.
--I woke up early to check on dad.
--I was thirsty from drinking the night before.
--I saw what I thought was her lemonade on the coffee table
--I took a big chug.
--I was able vomit quietly so as not to wake mom and dad.
--my stomach has calmed down
--but I'm not sure my world will ever be the same
TL;DR - I drank my dad's pee. I vomited a whole lot. | Is this how you become Bear Grylls? |
In every single customer service job I've ever been in, the job has required me to lie to a customer, for reasons ranging from legal liability to making the company more money. Sometimes it was a harmless little fudge, sometimes a great big whopper with real consequences. For one example, working for Diwrecked-TV had me lying so much I could have been Pinocchio's twin brother, and I'm ashamed to say the incentives for doing so were enough that I got *very good* at lying my face off.
I like my current job well enough, and they've generally been good enough to me, that I made the foolish mistake of thinking "they might be different this time". So a few days ago I (correctly) stated that one potential reason someone's yearly bill went up nearly 50% is because the COVID-related crisis is eating our company's lunch like a playground bully.
Hahahaha NO. *Big* mistake. This morning my immediate supervisor chewed my ass like a pit bull's squeaky bone, complete with CC'ing it to the Big Cheese (asshole!) and a form to sign. Henceforth I am to stick to two sentences that boil down to: "the math is hard and the numbers are right, what else can I (not) help you with?"
I'm just glad that we are still working remotely so I'm spared the inevitable lecture from Oscar the Grouch for my unintentional slip-up.
TL;DR - told truth, got reamed.
**EDIT:** R.I.P. my inbox. Did not expect this to blow up like it did. Thank you all for your awards and kind words.
\--->For everyone suggesting I change jobs<---I would be most grateful for advice/assistance in setting up myself to do freelance IT work on the side. Much as I dislike customer service, at the moment, barring a massively better primary job coming along quitting just isn't an option. | ‘The maths is hard’. Please, try me. I would much prefer to be told the truth than this kind of shit. You didn’t fuck up OP, you did the right thing. |
A bit of context first:
So yesterday I was working on an assignment (due tomorrow) and my “friend” steals my USB with all of my saved work on it (because it also has games on it that he wants).This would not normally be an issue, but then goes on to copy one game and DELETE ALL OF ITS CONTENTS. I was extremely pissed and asked to see the recycle bin, which he refused to show me, then telling me later that day that he deleted it bc he’s a dickhead like that. Fortunately I still had an auto saved copy from a while back, but I still lost a lot of work.
Fast forward to today, I’m thinking how I can get him back, when I have an idea. I got one of the old COD games from my friend and set it up so that when the game folder was opened, it ran a batch command that opened a porn website over and over. I knew he would try stealing it again and couldn’t wait for him to be busted. Just when I was ready to lay the trap I went to edit the file and instead of right clicking, I opened it. My mouse cursor instantly slowed from the thousands of searches at once so i shut down my laptop. Minutes later when I had restarted my computer I got a message popup from the school IT department telling me to take my laptop up to the office. They called my parents and I got sent home and now I’m facing suspension and have to have my laptop in teacher’s view for the rest of the term. After today my phone is being confiscated until my parents believe I have learned my lesson. I guess it’s karma and all but I still wish this guy had opened it because his parents are very strong Christians and he would have copped it much worse than me.
TL;DR: I tried to prank a classmate by getting him to open many porn tabs in class with a file command but I opened it and got myself in a load of shit.
Edit: turns out he didn’t remove from his recycle bin, getting it back tomorrow and no hard feelings
Edit 2: my parents ended up not confiscating my phone, but I can’t use my PC until end of term so hooray I guess
Edit 3: For all the people asking, it was a shortcut that was made to look identical to a folder apart from a tiny arrow at the bottom so that it ran the command on click. Sorry for not clarifying
Edit 4: I apologize for not knowing how to spell batch lol | Your own creation has betrayed you.
I seriously hope you didn’t tell them you made the thing.. |
Disclaimer: This actually happened several years ago, but I do still feel really bad.
I was out on a date with a girl and things were going well despite me being a nervous wreck. We got to talking and she admitted she had depression and at one point was even suicidal, but was proud of herself for getting past that chapter of her life. She then shows me her semi-colon tattoo on her wrist and explains the significance - that it means the sentence could have ended there, but the author decided to add more. It’s all very sweet and heartfelt. Now, I in no way have any issues with mental illness and still feel super guilty about this to this day, but me with a perpetual foot-in-the-mouth syndrome say “You know in programming it means end”.
She doesn’t say anything.
I don’t say anything.
Suffice to say I never got a second date.
​
TL;DR I told a suicidal girl who semicolon tattoo means "end" in programming.
Edit: The popularity of this post is mostly just everyone telling me I’m wrong. Lol. I guess I could have given a better definition, but I also could have shut my big fat mouth. And I did in fact apologize (a bunch). She awkwardly laughed it off. | Out of all the possible timelines you chose that one |
TL:DR: Accidentally added "WAP" to my workplace playlist. Song played at work. Let's just say If the customers in the store didn't what "WAP" stood for, they definitely did by the time we managed to turn it off.
I’m a key holder at a children’s toy store. We have two CDs that we’re allowed to play that have songs deemed “suitable” for the store. One of the CDs is your typical kids’ sing-alongs, “Wheels on the Bus”, “Old MacDonald'', all that jazz. The other is this weird folk CD that has the worst rendition of “Oh, Canada!” I have heard in my life. So naturally, I made a playlist on Spotify with family-friendly tunes that I could put on when my manager wasn’t there that didn’t make my brain turn to mush and dribble out my ears.
This morning before my shift, I wanted to update the work playlist as it was getting a little stale so I did the quick add option that allows you to go through your liked songs and just click them to add them to the selected playlist. Awesome, great, gonna have some fresh tunes to get me through my closing shift.
I’m at work, about two hours in and my coworker tells me her till needs a drop (there’s too much money in the till and I have to open it and count out $200). While I do this, the back room (where my phone is connected to the store speakers) is locked to prevent anyone going in and waiting for me back there when I bring the cash back to the safe.
So I'm counting an insane amount of 5 dollar bills when all of the sudden the speakers start blaring “WHORES IN THIS HOUSE, THERE’S SOME WHORES IN THIS HOUSE” and my blood runs cold. Oh my ever-loving fuck, I added “WAP” to a children store’s playlist. I look up and see looks of horror on the faces of women and innocent children.
I panic and go to shut the till so I can run and turn off the music but remember my manager telling me that if I shut the till without taking out the correct amount of money, I would be in a world of trouble. In her words exactly, “Everything comes second to the handling of cash.” And I wasn’t about to call my manager and tell her that it had to come 2nd to Cardi B talking about her “wet ass pussy”. So I start yelling for my coworker to grab the keys from around my neck and open the backroom door. She grabs the keys and sprints to the backroom door but yells back that she doesn’t know what key it is. I describe it to her and she tries it but says it’s not working. I’m furiously counting the money but the panic is making it hard to keep track of how much I’m actually taking.
Finally, my coworker gets into the backroom and turns off the music but not before Megan Thee Stallion has the pleasure of informing us all that “If he ate my ass, he’s a bottom feeder”.
I quickly finish counting the cash and make sure of the amount before I do what can only be called the Walk-of-Shame to the backroom, avoiding eye contact with all the angry mothers in the store. I get back there and see that I did in fact add “WAP” to the store playlist. I give myself a moment to breathe before putting on my best customer service voice and speaking over the intercom,
“Good Evening, Customers. On behalf of \[STORE NAME\], I would like to apologize for the technical difficulties. We hope to make it up to you by offering free gift wrapping on unlimited items\*. Thank you and have a fantastical night.”
\*Gift wrapping is already free.
Let’s just say I welcomed back “Oh, Canada!” with open arms after this. | Offering gift wrapping. that's an incredible save. Doesnt cost the store anything but shows care enough to make up for it in some way. Way to perform in the heat of the moment. |
This story happened in 2004, I'm posting it because I was asked to by my family. This story is told all the time in my life by my parents, so I hope you enjoy it.
I'm British with a Welsh dad and Portuguese mum. Mum wanted me raised to not be a stereotypical British teenager sneaking out lying about going to a mates house and passing out from drinking vodka in a field, so she got me drinking tiny amounts of wine at dinner time from the age of 5/6. We're talking a shot of wine, no more. They learned their lesson after I got shitfaced aged 5 off of brandy (story in the comments).
Me being autistic got super into this and wanted to try all the different red wines we had, and I asked lots of questions. It became a little special interest of mine when I was 8. For those who are unfamiliar, if you're not baptised into the church as a baby, you can do a combo baptism/first holy communion as a kid through Catholic school. I did this in primary school so I would have a place at the best secondary school in my city, which happened to be Catholic.
Like weddings, you have a dress rehearsal for the first holy communion, with the priest. It's a whole goddamn mass, except instead of 300 people in the bigass church, it's the 10 or 20 people in the ceremony and family/godparents to be as well. So being a dress rehearsal, there's a full communion with the wine and wafers to be Top Lad Jesus' blood and body.
I was doing so good at being a normal kid during the ceremony until this part. Then it was Special Interest Activation Mode. See the priest doesn't really expect kids having communion to drink the wine, they expect you to hold the goblet and give it back. Well, not me, and not this time - I swirled that goblet, sniffed it, said "wait this is familiar", had a sip, SHRIEKED, and turned to my parents jumping yelling "MUM, DAD, THIS IS BLOSSOM HILL! IT'S THAT GRENACHE WE HAD LAST WEEK!!"
My parents have never been so fucking humiliated in their lives. We bailed the rehearsal, was told to be silent during the real one, and shortly moved churches. I think the priest thought I had the devil in me and was some alcoholic kid, because the bastard tried to drown me during the official baptism and there's a video of me coughing my guts up lmao.
Tl;dr: my parents got me an autistic kid to develop a special interest in wine which bit them in the ass when I got baptised and had my first communion at church.
---‐‐------------
EDIT: Due to a comment bug the brandy story is an addendum here.
Brandy story:
When I was 5, I kept getting recurrent bronchitis. It lasted over 6 months, the antibiotics just weren't curing it and they had to keep getting stronger ones.
It tasted of fake banana and the texture of it was giving me autistic meltdowns. My dad could not rationalise a 5 year old to keep taking the antibiotics so he started experimenting to try and make it palatable.
First he added sugar. Still gross. Then fruit squash. Still gross. Tried another batch with fruit juice. Even worse.
At this point he was losing the will to live and probably losing interest in me living and so desperate times call for desperate measures. The final form of this Ring of Fire bronchitis medicine, the secret ingredient: brandy. Lots of brandy.
Did I like it? Hell no, but it knocked me out cold so it gave him the goddamn peace and quiet he wanted. | Have you considered a career being a sommelier? You probably have a head start... |
To be upfront, this did not happen today, but rather exactly one year ago today. I was reminded by my friends' snapchat memories of this absolutely awful experience one year ago.
So I'm a junior in college now (I was a sophomore then) and I work for a club on campus that raises money for a charity that gives money to families of children with cancer to ease the financial burden of things like hospital bills and hotel rooms for treatment, etc. At the end of the year, we throw a 10-hour long concert which usually involves a lot of student DJs doing quick sets to pass the time.
Anyways, we needed someone to fill in for a half hour set, so I thought, "why not?" and plugged my laptop in, ran some cheap DJ software, and played some pop music off a playlist. All is well, right?
Well, as it turns out, all was not not well. I was unknowingly playing "Die Young" by Kesha which contains the lyrics:
>Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young // We're gonna die young // We're gonna die young
Not long after, I got a text from my friend and the conversation went something like:
> dude change the song // ??? // you're playing die young // and? // the kids are here // oh fuck
I look around and everyone is staring at me thinking this is some cruel joke because all of the patients we sponsor are at the event. I quickly changed to "I Gotta Feeling" and all was well. Luckily, none of the kids were listening too closely and didn't get upset. I got a stern talking to by the club advisors, but they ended up letting me go because they couldn't prove that I played it on purpose. That night, we ended up raising $121,000, so... silver linings, right?
TL;DR: I played a pre-set playlist at a children's cancer fundraiser. Kesha's "Die Young" came on. Got a talking to.
EDIT: Realized I probably shouldn't include the name of the charity in this post.
EDIT 2: hijacking my own post to try to turn these upvotes into some donations to the charity. If you’re interested in giving, ~~here is the link.~~
EDIT 3: Decided to remove the charity again to not violate Rule 5. If you feel strongly about donating, PM me. | This reminds me of the tifu where the guy played the uncensored "Lets Get It Started" by the Black Eyed Peas at a prom for kids with Downs. Fucking gold |
This actually happened some time ago but thinking about it is still quite painful.. I was in uni and made friend with this really cute girl in my senior year at an event. We got on well and I was really thinking about asking her out, but since this happened quite close to graduation and she might be going back to her home country I decided to keep in all inside and not doing anything. I thought that asking her to stay just 3 months after us knowing each other is too big of a favor to ask, so I kept it strictly friend between us so that out farewell would not be too painful.
In the graduation she decided to give me a gift of homemade chocolate in a very nice box that she made herself. It was all a blur but I kinda recalled her asking me to open it at home and let her know what I think. Well it was a very emotional moment for me and it is kinda her farewell gift to me so idiot me decided NOT to open it and kept it in the fridge (it was a very nice box that she made herself too so that is another reason). We met again after a few days at her farewell party, there were some emotional moment but I was prepared and considered that was it.
The box stayed in my fridge for I dont know how long, maybe 1.5-2 years? She went home and after a year dated somebody else and got married, and I also met somebody else. One day I was cleaning the fridge and saw the box again and decided that maybe it is time to throw it away. Chocolate has probably gone bad but curiously I still decided to open it, and my heart shrunk then I saw a full page note from her. She basically poured her heart out and said how much feeling she had for me, and wondering if something could happened between us.
I just felt so bad afterwards but decided to just keep it to myself. I probably looked like an asshole for how I acted when I last saw her, but she seems very much happy now and so am I..
TL;DR: Got a gift from a girl I really liked but decided not to open it after 1.5 years, totally ignoring her note for me hidden inside. | She: "Open the Gift OP"
OP: "i don't Think i will"
Edit: OMG, Thank you for the gold redditor. Really appreciate it. My first Gold ever. |
Throwaway because I don't want this to be on my main account:
Obbligatory "This didn't happen today but happened last week yadda yadda yadda"
Also please forgive my spelling mistakes because I'm in the hospital and writing this on mobile out of boredom of there being not much to do here.
So, last week I was driving casually on the country road close to my house on holiday back home for the summer after my second year of college. I wasn't paying too much attention (I assume some responsibility) and wasn't wearing a seat belt. Yes I'm an idiot I know lesson learned. WEAR YOUR SEAT BELTS KIDS! Anyway, it was just starting to rain and I saw a KID ABOUT TO GO INTO THE ROAD. For the life of me I still don't know why he thought it would he a good idea to go onto a quite highly trafficked country road so casually, but eh life is full of surprises. I was caught completely off guard and swerved into the opposing lane to avoid him, and promptly got hit head on by the car coming towards me.
Now, I was going quite fast and as I said, did not have a seat belt on. Next thing I knew I was out of my car and couldn't feel anything anymore. No pain, no panic, nothing. I just saw blood and felt the biggest adrenaline rush I've ever had in my life. I just laid there, not knowing what to do. I heard voices come towards me but didn't really know what they were saying, and couldn't really respond. I thought I was going to die. There was a lot of blood.
You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes when you're about to die? Well that didn't quite happen but I did start thinking about who I care about and who I love. Here's where I tell you about my best friend. A girl I've been in love with for around two years, I never let her know and never intended too. She is in a happy relationship she's had since her teens and I didn't want to ruin it, and if she's happy I'm happy. There's no point meddling in things bigger than you and some things aren't meant to be. But I thought I was literally dying, and all I could think about was her in those moments. The pain was starting to kick in but I was just thinking about how she'd never know how much I loved her.
I realised my phone was still in my pocket, and with all the force I could muster I took it out. It was intact and it felt like it took ages but the only message I could sent was an "I love you" to her. I thought that would be the last message I'd ever send.
I don't remember much after that. Days have been a blur. I've had quite a few operations, AKI due to trauma and a ruptured spleen. But my legs are starting to work again and my face looks like I got in a fight with a lion but it's slowly improving! All I do is sleep and appreciate the fact I'm alive. The other driver and the kid were okay btw.
Anyway, as you can see, I did indeed live and didn't die (so far), but I can't undo that message I sent. I've been in a lot of pain this past week, and haven't had the energy to confront the situation. I told her about the accident, and what happened, and we talked briefly but mainly about my lovely hospital experience. Earlier today she sent me a message telling me we have to talk about that message. I haven't replied yet and I don't want to. I don't know what to do. So far I've been writing this TIFU as procrastination and then after this I plan on taking a long nap. Thank you all for your attention, nap time calls me.
TLDR: Got in a car accident and while I was bleeding out I told my crush best friend I love her. She's in a 10 year relationship and I haven't talked to her about it since and it's destroying me.
EDIT: GOD GUYS THIS BLEW UP SO MUCH!!! I only wrote this to procrastinate the inevitable conversation you guys are amazing jeez thanks for all the advice and support!!
So I spoke to her... Over the phone because we're college friends and she lives far away right now. I decided that the best thing I could do at this point was just tell her the truth. I didn't expect anything and I didn't want anything to come out of it, but I just thought that to have a pure and true friendship everything needs to be out there or it just wouldn't be legitimate. I would love to tell you guys an amazing fairytail story that would give you guys all hope for the future and whatnot, but I guess life is just different from movies...
I told her how I felt in pretty much the same words as in this post. But I also added, and it's true, that I've gotten to know her boyfriend for the past few years and he's great. I don't want to hurt him or interfere as much as I want her happy. I think she understood where I came from and the circumstances in which those words were said. I hope nothing will change with her because I love spending time with her and neither of us can immagine life without eachother anymore, we both admitted that. So I guess I just have to give you the boring response... But it's reality so sorry if it sucks... Im okay with though, I really didn't expect anything and still kind of think I was being selfish. We talked about a lot of other things like we normally do for a couple of hours after that and she might be coming to visit me in the hospital this weekend! She said she'll try and make the trip, even though I told her not to because it's gonna be extremely expensive for her last minute... She was really flattered though I think and almost cried thinking she was the last thing I thought about when I thought I was going to die | Why not just tell her the truth?
That you literally thought you was at the pearly gates and wanted her to know, but you appreciate and respect shes in a relationship and you dont wish to ruin that. Its very romantic and sweet, so I doubt she would be mad about it.
Keep us updated! |
This just happened and I am still wishing it didn’t. My 15 year old son and I are home, I’m working on a puzzle and making dinner, he is playing Fortnite. He disappears for a little while and I go to find him. I didn’t really need him for anything, just wanted to say ‘hi’ since we had both been doing our own things for most of the day.
I start walking down the hallway towards his room—our house isn’t super big and I knew he was in there. The lights in both the hallway and his room were off and it was pretty dark in the hall, but I could see the light from his phone and knew he was lying on his bed looking at his phone.
I decided to be funny and flip on the light and flop down on his bed. He was lying with his back to me, I could tell by where his phone was. As I am airborne, leaping over him onto the far side of his bed, I see it. My son’s boner. As I was flipping on the light, he was rolling towards the door while pulling up his underwear and grabbed a blanket. It all happened so fast and I was already airborne before I realized what was happening. I did not see actual flesh, but definitely saw my teenaged son’s boner through his boxer briefs.
The entire situation was horrifying, for both of us, I’m sure. I have no idea what he was looking at on his phone, AND I DON’T WANT TO.
At that point, I am still flopped down on his bed. Both of us are well aware that I just saw him whacking off. Both of us figuring out how to get the fuck out of there. I say, ‘Dinner is almost ready.’ (It wasn’t)
He said, ‘Ok, I’ll be out in a minute.’
I said, ‘No hurry.’
Now I’m standing in my kitchen, typing furiously to reddit and wondering how much therapy he’ll need if he ever finds out I posted about this to a bunch of strangers and wondering WHY DON’T BOYS CLOSE THE DOOR WHEN THEY ARE MASTURBATING?
tl/dr: Basically the title.
Edit: spelling. Dammit, I can’t change the spelling of ‘masturbating’ in the title. Oh well. I fixed ‘Fortnite’ though.
Edit 2: for those asking:
—I am mom.
—I want to be clear, I have absolutely no issue with him jerking off. I am a nurse. I talk to my boys openly about sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. The horrifying part is that I walked in on him. That was not ideal. For either one of us.
—his door was OPEN.
—I have obviously learned my lesson and will knock all the way down the hall, send smoke signals, text him, wear bells on my shoes, etc, before I walk into his room, door open or not, from this point forward.
—he isn’t on any social media. I am quite confident that his identity is protected.
Edit 3: For anyone still interested...
THANK YOU (almost) everyone for taking this as it was: an embarrassing moment which has most definitely taught both my son and I lessons about boundaries and privacy.
WOW. I now know what ‘RIP my inbox’ feels like. I had no idea reddit would be so into my awkward moment.
For those who sent creepy shit to my inbox, just no.
And an update: There is no weirdness. We went straight back to the status quo, had dinner and just continued about our night. I didn’t act weird and neither did he. | At least you didn’t get impaled
Edit: my first Reddit silvers. Thanks random strangers. I don’t know what silver means or does.... but suddenly my life has a sense of completeness |
This just happened 2 hours ago.
I work for an IT company that services many small/medium businesses. I'm in an office with about 8-10 other technicians. We like playing pranks and any time one of our techs leaves their computer unlocked, we change their background to weird stuff.
I had just got out of a meeting and realized the new guy left his PC unlocked. I sneaked around to his cubicle since he was just on the other side talking to another guy. I quickly pulled up IE and googled "sexy pikachu". Found [the one](https://www.deviantart.com/nancher/art/Pikachu-sexy-version-159235080), right clicked, and set as background. Then I went back in to background settings and set it to tile across his screen. Standard stuff.
I quickly sneak back to my computer without being detected and wait for him to sit back down and notice. He notices right away and we have a good laugh about it. Then he says, "Hey, I'm remoted into a client's computer. You changed their background, not mine."
I shit you not, at that very moment, another tech walks up with a goofy ass grin and says, "Hey, I have Jane Doe on the phone. She says someone put something inappropriate on one of her computers and she wants to talk to someone about it." Jane Doe happens to be the main point of contact and decision maker for that particular client. I also believe she's the owner's daughter. At first, we think our coworker is fuckin with us, but he's not. He's just basking in the moment of instant karma.
I stand there for a good 30 seconds before I say "Ok, send her over to me." I'm a director and I have a working relationship with Jane Doe, so it's really best I talk to her.
I answer the phone. I listen to what she has to say. She had a mixture of confusion and anger in her voice. She attempts to describe what she felt like was an inappropriate background on a new PC and she wants to know what's going on. I tell her that one of our techs tried to prank another tech by changing his background, not realizing they were connected to a client. I apologize for it, I tell her the tech will be reprimanded and that it won't happen again. Thankfully, that was a sufficient enough response and she let it go. I hang up the phone and slap my left hand with my right while calling myself a d-bag. I've spent the last 2 hours getting my balls busted by my coworkers saying things like "Hey, I'm locking my computer for you" or "Hey, I'm remoted into a client computer, do you want to change the background?"
TL;DR Tried to change coworker's desktop background to Sexy Pikachu, accidentally changed it on a client's PC he was connected to instead. Main point of contact for that client saw the background and immediately called in wanting to talk to a manager. Am manager.
Edit 12/11/2020: Link to pic no longer works. This is it: https://www.deviantart.com/nancher/art/Pikachu-sexy-version-159235080 | Some people are getting fired for calling 911, meanwhile others are getting a slap on the wrist for Pokémon porn. |
A little background my wife and I just recently had a baby and due to that it has been a couple months since my wife and I have been intimate. She is normally very timid and self conscious about her body despite being in great shape (her body returned to Pre-baby weight almost immediately) and being a beautiful woman.
The other night I hopped on my computer and browsed the internet in the evening as my wife fed the baby and put her to sleep. She came out in the living room asked what I was up to, I told her not much just gonna play a game or two with some friends. She said that sounded fun and then started tidying up a little. My attention then turned to my game with my friends. The lights were very dim in the room and I had headphones on. I hear a noise just slightly above the noise in my ears and look over my shoulder to see my wife sitting on the couch in the dimly lit room. “You’re sneaky I didn’t hear you come in” I say. She says yeah I guess. I then turn back to the game about to begin.
Halfway though the match my phone lights up with a text from my wife. “Glad to know what you really think!” I had no clue what she was talking about. I fire off a “Huh?” Text. I quickly get up to go see what she’s talking about. I find her curled up in bed sobbing. I climb up next her and ask her what’s wrong and what the text meant. “ you know exactly what I mean”. I still have no clue as to what’s going on. After a little bit more probing she tells me through tears, “ I wanted to have a fun evening with you. I put on lingerie and laid out all the stuff for sex (towel, lubes, etc...), I come out to couch all dressed up and you look right at me and go right back to your game. “
I honestly was shocked by all of this. The monitor was super bright and I could all but make out the silhouette of her when she came out. I tried to explain that to her but honestly what could I say in that moment. Finally convinced her that I could not see anything when she came out. She was still frustrated and a little sad but now I’m slowly making my way out of the doghouse.
TLDR
Couldn’t see wife come in and try seduce me and turned around and started playing video games with my friends | The only way to fix this is to put her on the computer and put on lingerie while she ignores you. |
Throwaway account for obvious reasons. This just happened a few minutes ago. I was laying on my couch and my cat decided to jump up and lay on my chest as he often does. I had just eaten lunch, which was a chicken salad sandwich, so naturally my cat was intrigued by the smell and wanted to get a good whiff. He was sniffing around my face heavily, almost comically. I was feeling pretty generous at that time so I got the brilliant idea to open my mouth really wide to let him enjoy, but also because I was curious how far he would venture in. You know, normal pet owner stuff. He got his head about halfway in when suddenly he decided to let out a violent and very wet sneeze right into my mouth. I'm fucking disgusted, and the weekend has been ruined before it even started.
TL;DR: My cat sneezed directly in my mouth. | Assert your dominance, sneeze back |
TIFU big time by trying to do my job....well, not specifically today. This is an old story, but then again I'm an old man.
About 30-some odd years ago, when I was in my early 20's, I worked for a newspaper as the assistant district manager. One part of my job that I was doing then was to go around and make sure that the paperboys (remember them) picked up their delivered bundles of newspapers for delivery.
This was on a Sunday morning and I had to drive around to all the drop-off spots. And there it was...a bundle of newspapers still sitting out undelivered. I looked in my little booklet of paperboys and saw the name and address of the boy who was supposed to get them. No issue. He probably overslept and I just needed to wake him up.
I went to the house and knocked on the door. A woman in her 40's answered the door.
Me: "Hi. Is Paperboy there? He hasn't picked up his newspapers and they need to go out!"
The woman then solemnly looked me in the eye. The 16-year old boy who I was asking about had hung himself in his own closet the previous day and was gone. She was a neighbor who was staying with the family to help them.
I felt about 1 inch tall.
I don't remember what exactly I said to her, but I apologized for the interruption and waking everyone, gave my intense sympathy to her, and backed away with my tail between my legs. I then contacted my boss for a copy of the customer list and delivered those newspapers myself for the next few days.
It was awful!
I know that I had no way of knowing, but I defy anyone who has something like that happen not to feel like the cosmos should have presented us with divine knowledge to not get into this!!! I didn't stay in that position for too much longer.
TL;DR Tried to wake up a paperboy only to find he died; tried to apologize my way out | Anyone else think he physically rolled over a dead body to try waking it up? |
This happened a few hours ago in a busy buffet restaurant in a hotel in Austria.
Being a buffet restaurant, people were pretty much always wandering from table to food and back again, so there was a constant steam of mainly Austrian and German people passing our table. We’ve been here a few days, you start to recognise people and my two young sons have made a few friends.
I was joking with the kids that I’d left their Nintendo Switch at home, they suspected I was joking but went along with it anyway. So when I told them I had brought it they wanted to check.
“I brought it,” I said
“Our Switch?”
“Yes, Our Switch”
“What?!! OUR Switch?!”
“Yes!! OUR Switch!!”
They got louder and we started just repeating it, laughing. I noticed my wife frowning at me, or past me, it didn’t really register.
“OUR SWITCH?”
“OUR SWITCH! Ha!”
Then my wife really started signalling to me to shut up - I was like “it’s ok... it’s a buffet”
“OUR SWITCH! Ha!”
“OUR SWITCH!”
Then my wife leaned in and urgently whispered “it sounds like you are all shouting Auschwitz”
My whole body went cold with the realisation.
Needless to say I immediately stopped, placed my hand on my eldest son’s knee and he - seeing the look on my face- stopped straight away - the 3 year old did one final shout before I could stop him...
I have avoided eye contact with all other hotel guests since.
TLDR: Shouted “Auschwitz” loudly, happily, repeatedly, in a restaurant full of Germans and Austrians. I’m really sorry.
EDIT: thank you for the gold and silver kind strangers! My first. To those calling BS: I wish it was. To the genial Germans and Austrians assuring me of the reduced risk of horror due to pronunciation, sincere thanks - I will sleep better tonight because of you. And for the few offended at us shouting in a buffet: it’s a kinderhotel. Kind of like if Michael Bay did buffets.
EDIT2: just to all my salty comrades telling me I’m a “scum cunt”, that my kids will grow up to assholes because we were loud. I fucking love you Reddit! I’m reassured that you are all so considerate when it comes to noise in public spaces. You wouldn’t like this restaurant ... stone walls, stone floors, a hotel designed for kids. It’s like a school playground where they’ve all been given metal objects to smash together but louder. Our risky exchange was lost in the cacophony to anyone who wasn’t walking past our table.. | Can feel the cringe from over here! |
So it was rather cold today and I put some nice, thick wool socks on my 4 year old son. After running around a bit today, he came and gave me a hug.... Zaaap.
I explained to him that he’s got to pick up his feet because dragging them on the carpet will build up a “shock”. My son looks at me and says “Like Pikachu?”
A bit of background. A few months ago I discovered that Disney Now has the full run of all Pokemon episodes. Like 20+ seasons, each of over 40 episodes. My son and I have slowly been working our way through them, like 3-4 episodes per week. My wife and I decided to get a Switch as a family gift for Christmas, along with Let’s Go Pikachu. For my son’s birthday a few weeks ago, we got him a Pikachu plushie as that would fit in well.
So a bit after my talk to my son about static electricity, he goes to his room and grabs his Pikachu plushie. Drags his feet all the way to the office where my wife is playing Frostpunk and says “Donder Shok!!” while zotting her with a nice snappy static shock.
As he runs away, clutching his plushie, all I can say to my wife was “I think Pikachu’s been teaching him some tricks”. She was not amused.
TL;DR - Pikachu taught my son Thunder Shock. My wife is not happy about this development.
Edit: My first gold! Thank you kind stranger!
Edit 2: I know this may be more cute than traditionally TIFU, but I’m rather singed at the moment and the wife wasn’t too pleased at the time. I know she’ll be laughing about it in a day or two with the rest of us (I hope).
Edit 3: My first platinum! Thank you my friend. | This is a win, not a fuck up. So amazing. |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.