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I thought it would be funny to put a Bluetooth speaker in the ceiling and play sounds of cats over it. I found an eight hour video of cats meowing on YouTube that was perfect.
I paired an old phone to the speaker, tossed the phone in a drawer of an empty desk, and tucked the speaker under a ceiling tile. It was perfect. You could only hear the cats if you listened real close. It sounded like there was a cat in the ceiling, but you really couldn't tell exactly where it was coming from.
I went to my office, got busy with work, and forgot about it until I went to break. I walked into the break room and several people were talking about the cat that must be in the ventilation system. I chuckled to myself while I grabbed my coffee and made a loop through accounting department to see if there were any more people talking about the cats in the ceiling.
To my horror, half the ceiling tiles were removed and there were two maintenance men on ladders looking for the cat. They were real close to the speaker but hadn't found it quite yet.
I just reversed out of there and went back to work. They eventually found the speaker, and shortly after everyone got an email from the big boss reprimanding the guilty party and asking for any information on the culprit.
TLDR - I caused the entire accounting department to be shut down for 3 hours this morning by making them think there was a cat stuck in the ceiling.
My bad.
Update:
A conspiracy theory emerged by the end of the day.
Several of them don't believe that it was a prank at all. They think the maintenance people lied about it being a prank. That management made it up to get people back to work, and that maintenance is planning to set out traps and poison to kill it. One person claimed they absolutely heard the cat yesterday, and I shit you not, a couple of them claim they still hear it. | I'm just surprised no one thought to toss a couple more cats up there to lure it out. |
So my wife is pregnant with our first child and we are about 3 weeks away from the due date. Been a while since we've gotten tangled up in the sheets, so we decided to give it a go. Things go great, but 30 minutes later my wife thinks she peed herself, so she gets up, goes over to the toilet, and proceeds to leak clear fluid from her vagina. She calls me over to check where the fluid is coming from as she thinks she broke her water (same thing happened about 2 weeks ago, but just a small amount of fluid compared to this). We shrug it off, lay back in bed, and then it happens again. We think to ourselves "oh shit, this may be real". Then she starts getting a contraction, not one she normally gets, no, this one is stronger and lasts a lot longer than usual.
4 hours later I sit here in the hospital next to her bed, she's 8 cm dilated, epidural given, and now we're waiting for our 1st child to arrive!
TL;DR fucked my wife into labor 3 weeks early
Edit: here we go, 10 cm, nurse said they're rounding up the troops and will begin pushing soon
Edit 2: Jason is a 6lb, 2oz beautiful baby boy, welcomed to us at 3am! Thank you all for the wonderful wishes! | Congrats dude!! Yeah they say sex will make it happen. Best wishes to you and your wife. I hope the baby is healthy. Oh and a tip don't eat in the room in front of her. Congrats |
This happened about 30 years ago when I was doing my PhD in tissue biology.
A little background, in the lab we use something called [microtome blades](https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/Zl4AAOSwWr5ZxTKP/s-l1600.jpg). For those that don't know, it's a blade that is so sharp it's used to create 1 micron thin [slices](https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Mousumi-Gupta-2/publication/288835345/figure/fig1/AS:313022531817474@1451641795449/Tissue-block-is-sectioned-with-microtome-fitted-with-a-sharp-knife-The-tissue-is-moved.png) of tissues that are literally less than 1 cell layer thick to be studied under a microscope. So yeah pretty sharp. They weigh a little more than a small kitchen knife, taper out toward the non-cutting end so they can be sharpened for many years. I was taking it back to the lab after it was just sharpened and usually we carry it in a special container, partly for safety, but also if it get's dropped the vibrations will create microscopic bends/fractures in the blade that cause it to cut unevenly and the blade is essentially ruined. As fate would have it, I forgot to bring the case and was too lazy to go back across campus to get one, so I just carried the blade by hand.
Another detail is that since day one of working with these blades, it is indoctrinated in us that we are to never drop them, because they are very expensive to replace. Now-a-days they are cheaper to manufacture and even come as disposables, but back in 1980's money it was several hundred bucks and it would delay your research by several weeks while a new one was shipped.
With that in mind, as I entered the main hallway of the biology department, the blade slipped out of my hand and, in a split second, I subconsciously I reached down to catch it (maybe after it fell about 1 foot). Unfortunately I caught the blade sharp-side-down and it instantly severed three tendons in the palm of my hand. I immediately noticed I couldn't close my index finger, middle finger, and ring finger. It was very strange, because there was very little blood at first, but after 5 seconds bright red blood started pouring down my hand. Before I knew it, the white tile floor of the hallway I was standing on, had a rapidly spreading pool of blood. I all happened so fast I hadn't fully comprehended what I was experiencing. Another fortuitous part of this story is that one of the anatomy professors saw all this happen and immediately rushed over to hold pressure on my radial and ulnar arteries to control the bleeding.
I ended up having surgery to reattach the arteries and the tendons.
After waking up after surgery I was relieved, but noticed they had a blood bag connected to my IV. The nurse said I lost quite a bit of blood and had to be transfused during the surgery. I wish this was the part of the story where I tell you that I had an uneventful recovery. However, after the surgery I started having severe fevers and chills, terrible back pain, my urine was a muddy dark brown color, and I could barely catch my breath. Turns out the lab person who drew my blood mislabeled the tubes and I was transfused with the wrong blood type. I ended up staying in the ICU for a week, almost had complete kidney failure and had severe pulmonary edema. I vividly remember the doctor saying that my kidneys were most likely in complete failure and I would have to have life-long dialysis or a transplant. Fortunately they caught the transfusion reaction before most of the blood was infused and I never had to start dialysis.
TL;DR - Dropped one of the sharpest blades in existence, caught it before it hit the ground, it severed most of the tendons and arteries in my hand. In the hospital I was given the wrong blood type, survived severe pulmonary edema, and almost lost both of my kidneys in the process. | They say sharp tools are safe tools... But uhh... Maybe only up to a point |
So today I sold my bitcoin I bought 2 years ago I spent like $100 on the investment or something, I cashed it out at a bitcoin atm and brought it home the first thing I did to celebrate was buy some edibles. I buy some edibles eat a whole brownie and am out of it, I order some pizza and take some money from my wad and put it in a pile on the table next to me total was like 20 so I put 23.
Since I'm high af the pizza delivery girl knocks I grab the wad of all the money not the $23 stack. I give it to her and she starts crying she keeps saying are you sure you dont know how much this is going to help me. Freaked out and high I say okay and just rush inside.
Right now after waking up being passed out I realize what I've done, gave away my bill money for this month lol.
TL;DR - I tipped my pizza delivery driver $1100 while high on brownie edibles by accident and have no money to pay for my bills now
Edit: Thanks for all the nice comments and the reddit gold kind stranger. I just woke up and this post just blew up. I could never call the pizza place and ask for the money back, with how happy it made the women and the fact it was my own dumb mistake it just wouldn't feel right in my head, I would rather be late on my bills and figure anything else out then do that.
I just want to say thank you to u/misterchief117 who helped me out in a insane way, I really don't deserve how nice some people in this world are. | Well uh, you made someone else's life much better and that deserves an upvote |
I know Reddit is going to give me a lot of hate for this. This morning I was super horny and really wanted hook up with a local guy to give him bj. So I got to talking with a guy and even though he was a lot older (like late 30s-mid 40s), he had a great bod and a great dick. So I said what the hell and invited him to my hotel room. After 45min to an hour of fun, I thought I’d never see this dude again because I’m flying home this afternoon (right now).
Wrong. I went to the gate when they started boarding. Guess who was pre-boarding with his wife and children? You guessed it. To make matters worse, they are just a couple rows from me and I can hear all their conversations. I’m in the plane right now and he keeps texting. I am saving screen shots in case I need them in the future. I’m sitting here wondering how he was able to get away from his family that long...he was staying at the same hotel, which now just dawned on me because he made it to my room super fast.
This is so uncomfortable.
TL;DR: Hooked up with a guy at my airport hotel this am. Turns out he’s married, and he and his family are on my flight home.
Edit: I gave him my phone number for trading texts and pics early this am. He texted me just now telling me he found me on IG and FB so he must have searched with my phone number somehow. Now I definitely need leverage with the screen shots to tell him to stop contacting me.
Edit 2: A) I’m male. B) The wife does not know. He texted me in the plane asking me to keep quiet. And then also wanted to stay in touch and text me later because he now knows we live in the same city (and yes you bet I saved the screen shot - saved it on the phone, on the cloud, on emails to myself) C) I knew what his dick looked like because of dick picks and bathroom mirror selfies
Just wanted to respond to popular questions.
Edit 3: Hope you saw the screen shot, you know who you guys are. :-) | It’s only fair that you sleep with his wife now |
This happened today.
I have one FU in my life which I find funny and wanted to share. I, being an absolute amateur at reddit with only one successful post in two years, tried to strategize and save it for my cake day.
Clever, isn't it?
So i posted it. It got autoremoved for a good reason.
I fixed it and posted it again, it got autoremoved for an even better reason I hadn't known about.
So I made a post about failing to post to TIFU. Guess what: It was removed for yet another reason I hadn't known about.
I fixed the failed post about failing to post, posted it, and it was downvoted immediately.
And suddenly I was overly afraid to break another rule I just learned about: that you are not allowed to republish banned content, which might result in me being permanently banned from r/tifu
So i quickly deleted it, like a teenager caught in an awkward situation. seeing only afterwards that I had two friendly comments already.
I am 47 years old, BTW.
I give up posting to reddit.
EDIT thank you kind Internet strangers for making this such an enjoyable cake day experience! and thank you a lot for my first ever award thingies!
TL;DR I am too stupid to post to reddit. | Partly why I have become a near permanent lurker. Well, that and the fact that i have had nothing original to contribute and there are plenty of reposts as it is.
Edit: Holy crap. I kind of ruined my streak but thank you everyone for the karma |
My wife posted earlier today on LA about this. Not using my main because my FIL knows it and I'm not quite ready to tell him about this.
I went to work today and turned my phone off as usual. I had almost 30 missed texts and calls from my pregnant wife when I turned it on. Most of them were asking how I could do this. I had no clue what she was talking about. She didn't answer any of my calls back.
I got home and she was packing up to leave. I'll admit it, I cried. A lot. Had no clue what was happening or what I did. Finally, it comes out that I texted her that I wanted a divorce. She showed me the text and I immediately realize what happened.
This morning, a free standing mirror for our bedroom was delivered. I texted her "the new mirror came in! I'm going to try to put it together but I may need your help later". I had trouble putting it together and eventually gave up. I texted her, "this isn't working, and at this point I think I need to just give up". Apparently, the first text didn't go through, just the second one. So my pregnant wife panicked for a few hours while I was off thinking everything was great. She even called a divorce lawyer.
Things are fine now but she's still crying off and on. She told me we can laugh about it tomorrow.
TL;DR Accidentally told my wife that things weren't working, she almost left me.
Edit: Wow, this blew up. To address a few things that came up in the comments:
\-I usually work from home unless I need to meet with clients. I don't always tell my wife when my client meetings are, because she's usually at work anyway. That's why she didn't know I was at work yesterday. I'm not allowed to have my phone on at work until my wife is 30 weeks. If my phone goes off, I could lose my job, and our health insurance.
\-My wife has an anxiety disorder and had to stop taking her meds because of the pregnancy. That's why she had the reaction she did.
\-My comment about my wife being forgiving was a joke. Neither of us is mad at the other. This was just a series of misunderstandings that snowballed. We're fine. I posted this so people could laugh at our misfortune. No need to psychoanalyze my wife or PM me about divorce. We are fine.
\-and no, we haven't put the mirror together yet. We weren't really in a "home improvement" mood last night. | This is sitcom levels of misunderstanding, congratulations, lol |
About 2 years into dating, she went through a phase of asking a lot of weird questions. I enjoyed it as it was fun to talk about dicks and balls and the joys of living with them day to day. She asked if it was ever “in the way” or “uncomfortable.”
“Absolutely! All the time! For instance if you sit in the mall and watch people walk around the mall on a warm day, watch for guys to take one awkward long step. That means there nuts are sticking to their leg and that long step peels them off in a similar fashion and sound as pulling open Velcro.”
That was almost 8 years ago. Yesterday we were at the mall and she gets absurdly excited every time she sees it, enough to make them notice a couple times and smile and wave like she thinks their famous. And for that, I’m sorry guys. It’s a hilariously awkward thing for her to be excited about, but that’s why I married her.
TL:DR Broke guy code by spilling the secret about sticking ballsacks to your leg and taking the long step to de-Velcro your sweaty scrotum from your leg, now she’s called it out every time she sees it for the last 8 years. | And then you told millions of other women on Reddit about it.. boy you really can’t keep a secret.. |
This weekend, I was in one of my best friend’s weddings. The bride, my friend, is diabetic and forgot her insulin when we went to the church, so technically, diabetes is the villain of this story.
No problem. I volunteered to go back to her house to pick it up. I like a mission. Me against diabetes. After a morning of bridal stuff, my adrenal glands were more than happy to kick some dust off.
The bride says the back door is unlocked, so I dash to her house, drifting the corners (in my mind), finding the apex in the road. The back door is not unlocked. No doors are opened, but I am NOT taking the L on this.
All of us bridesmaids had gotten ready at her house earlier, and one of the other bridesmaids was leaning out her window on the 2nd floor smoking. I gaze up at her window, praying that it’s still unlocked. I know this house. I went to high school with the bride, snuck out of that window onto the roof, and clambered down the tree beside the house many times.
Only this time, I am in a strapless, tight, mermaid style dress. Driving a stick in this constricting skirt was challenge enough. There is no way on God’s green earth that I can climb a tree.
Its barely above freezing, but this is a DefCon 2 situation.
I’m in the back yard, and there is only one house that can see me. I accept the crazy-low odds that the grandparents that live next door will notice me. Decidedly incorrect assumption because apparently, Gramps has assigned himself the position of overwatch.
I kick off my heels, sling off my jacket (it’s barely above freezing), and toss the Morticia Addams-style bridesmaid dress over the fence. I pat my old friend, the tree, and begin to climb. I’m sure I sloth-climbed it, but the adrenaline pulsing through my veins has me convinced that I ninja warriored that shit.
The window is unlocked\*\*. Oorah\*\*!
Once I open it, I ungracefully fall into the room from the roof. I don’t care because the distinctly male movie announcer voice in my head is sexily broadcasting the trailer for the movie I’m acting out. The crowd cheers when my icicle toes hit the hardwood floors. *I’m killing it*.
The room looks like a girl bomb exploded. Curlers, hairdryers, make-up bags, and clothes cover every square inch of the carpet. I super kung fu hop over the piles to the dresser where she said her insulin bag would be. It’s not there.
I rifle through the piles, shaking like a scared dog from the cold. Nope. To the bathroom. Nope. A massive rock drops into my stomach when I can’t find her insulin. The clock is ticking. I launch down the stairs, two at a time and run through the house as my eyes scan every surface.
I find it on the kitchen counter, a full floor away from where she thought she left it.
Booyow! I’m back in the game. I shotgun pump my arm and grab the bag.
I make sure I can lock the kitchen door from the inside. I mentally check-yep, I left all of my stuff outside.
I step into the garage, shutting the door behind me. As I’m jiggling the locked doorknob, I hear the *Woop Woop* of a police car.
I slowly turn and do some weird half raise of my hands. There are two…TWO cops in the driveway. All official and stern-looking. In a split second, I flash on images. I’m in the back of the police car, handcuffed, search warrants are getting issued. I see the courtroom, a stern judge and an unforgiving jury. In a moment of catastrophic cognitive dissonance, I swear I heard my brain misfire.
The only thing that zaps me back to reality is that I kid you not- my boobs are two frozen ice-cones. I’m going to have the pleasure of explaining this shit-show to the officers while wearing nothing but my fancy thong and lacy, strapless bra because genius me didn’t want panty lines… and my hot-ass guy will be wearing a tux to the wedding. Nuff said.
I could have vaporized on the spot from the humiliation as the officers approach me.
I don’t even know what I said. I virtually shoved the bag of insulin at the older cop and vomited out the preposterous details of this Texas-sized oof that landed me in my skivvies, coming out of a house that I technically broke into.
They try to keep a straight face, but then I start to laugh. It begins as a small embarrassed chuckle, but then it takes on a life of its own, commandeering all of my self-control and flinging it into the icy wind with the ashes of my dignity. I howl. Tears run down my face and I shoot strangled, inhuman sounds at them. I can make no sound other than drawn-out vowels. God, it’s embarrassing.
The cops are trying to ask me questions, and instead, they get Mutley the dog. All I can do is wheeze, or tear and shake from the cold. Finally, I beg them to let me put my clothes on.
One gallantly swings his arm to tell me to proceed to the back yard to recover my assortment of clothing cringingly clinging to the fence. They are gentlemen about it as I jump and shimmy into this hell-contraption of a bridesmaid’s dress.
They ask me if there is anyone that I can call from the family to confirm the story.
I call the bride. She doesn’t pick up.
I call the bride’s mom. She doesn’t pick up.
I call the love of my life. He picks up on the first ring. God, I love that man. He doesn’t know why I left the church but immediately goes into solve-this-shit-fast mode. He gets the Bride’s dad. It gets sorted.
My guy is waiting in the parking lot when I pull up. Panic rolls across his face when he sees me, thinking I have been crying. I laugh the rest of my make-up off with him when I tell him the story. We’re getting married soon, and I think the bride should have to perform a commensurate task to climbing a tree in freezing weather in her underwear. I’m definitely taking suggestions.
This all happened in a decently small town. This story has ripped through the gossip mill like Taco Bell through the colon. My oldest brother is apparently friends with the “young” cop that I could never make myself look in the eye. Yep- never living this down, and I’m never more grateful to have moved away.
Also, LPT- I’m an idiot, so maybe you all know this, but don’t hand your phone to the police. Put the call on speaker or show the text from your hand. Do not physically place your property in the care of the police. Advice from a law student who was more than happy to lecture me for 20 minutes at the reception.
TLDR; Title says it all. Insulin is a life-saving drug, and at least for one day, I kicked diabetes ass. You gotta do what you gotta do, even if it means being a streaking, Tarzan cat-burglar.
EDIT: Thanks, everyone. It's been a fantastic ride. Quick link to the [r/asklegal](https://www.reddit.com/r/asklegal/) expert review of whether you should/should not hand your phone to the police: [https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/f1ykrz/do\_you\_give\_the\_police\_the\_right\_to\_search\_your/](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/f1ykrz/do_you_give_the_police_the_right_to_search_your/) And NO- I will not send pics. | As someone with type one diabetes and is dependent on insulin; not all heroes wear capes, some wear fancy underpants. Bless you, op.
Edit: me can't spell |
I (37 M) was at the park with my kids yesterday and I tell my youngest (2 F) how impressed I am with how fast her climbing is getting. I tell her she’s almost as fast as her older sister.
My oldest daughter (6 F) is unimpressed that I'm not complimenting her so she jumps down from the climbing frame to talk to me.
'Dad, you have got to stop saying racist things all the time' she says to me loud enough for all the other parents in my immediate vicinity to hear.
I gulp and look around feeling awkward. The stares of judgement from the other parents bearing down on me.
'What do you mean honey, what have I ever said that was racist?'
'You always turn everything into a race and I don't like it' she replies.
Bless her little innocent heart
TLDR: My daughter accuses me of being racist in front of other parents at a park. Turns out she thinks racist means turning everything into a race. | Not quite the same but similar public embarrassment. When my son was young he was a massive fan of Thomas the Tank Engine. However he was still at an age where long words were tricky for him and he would sometimes shorten them. One day we took him to the Thomas the Tank Engine theme park which he was REALLY excited about. The first thing we saw when we got in the park was someone dressed as the Fat Controller and my son shouted at the top of his voice “Look Daddy, it’s the Fat Cont!”. |
Throwaway account because obviously.
My boyfriend and I are staying at his parents house for a few days for the holidays. We got in a couple days ago, exchanged gifts, and are generally spending quality time. We're staying in his old bedroom and last night before bed, we were both feeling frisky. I started by giving him a blowjob but when we both started getting into it, neither of us wanted to stop, so I figured on going to completion. Unfortunately we were both so caught up in the moment, we forgot about locking the door.
So there I am on my knees, arms holding onto his sides, bobbing my head in a mad dash, getting excited from how close he is and then suddenly the door opens. His mom comes in! I freak out and pull his dick out of my mouth but apparently he's past the point of no return and starts spraying my face and boobs with his baby batter, giving me my first ever facial. Meanwhile his poor mom - who was apparently just checking to make sure we had everything we needed before bed - is just staring at us with a dropped jaw. Eventually she just says sorry and backs out of the room.
Anyways, it's 5:40am, I've barely slept last night stressing about breakfast and any family interactions tomorrow.
TL;DR: Bf's mom walked in on him giving me my first facial.
Update @7:31am - Thanks for all the reassuring comments. My bf is convinced that she just came in and immediately left but the image of her just standing there for a couple seconds is seared into my brain so who knows what the truth is. Anyway, the family is all starting to wake up and head down to breakfast but we're still hiding out in his room. More to come.
Update @8:38am - Of course my first gold is on a throwaway account... Anyways thanks! So breakfast started off totally fine. I mean, yeah I was super awkward around everyone but the mom didn't say anything. That is, until I excused myself to go shower. She stopped me on the way to the bathroom and apologized for not knocking, which was super sweet. But then proceeded to follow up with a conversation on understanding how important sex is in a healthy relationship and made sure we were always being "safe". It was sweet and cringy all at once. I guess we somehow bonded a bit, which is nice :)
Anyways, we've got one more night here and you can be damn sure the door will be locked tonight!
Update: A lot of people commenting about how the mom locked the door. Actually I assumed she had locked the door on the way out (from the inside, not the outside); I didn't actually see her do it. I asked my bf about it and apparently he had locked it after she left while I was...ehm...cleaning. | I like to think that every throwaway in this sub is actually the same person, fucking up over and over again. |
I’ve been living in this house for the past 11 years. In my bedroom there’s a ceiling fan that I always have on to try and make my room colder. My room has always been insanely hot compared to the rest of the house and I never understood why.
Flash forward to today when I’m talking to a friend that said they found out their fan can switch directions to heat the room in the winter. I immediately realized my fuck up. When I got home I took a closer look at the fan and hiding by the light is a little black switch. I hit the switch and what do you know, my room is about 10 degrees colder in minutes. I’ve been sleeping in a sauna for the past 11 years and had no idea. Every day in the summer waking up sweaty was because of a tiny black switch.
TLDR: My ceiling fan has been spinning the wrong direction and heating my room for 11 sweaty years | It doesn’t heat the room, per se. one direction pulls air up from the floor and the other blows down. Both will keep the air circulating. The one that blows air down will make you feel cooler because it’s blowing air directly onto you, like a... well, like a fan. |
Obligatory this happened about 5 hours ago but I seen the email 30 minutes ago while taking a shit and finally piecing the puzzle together. We have been waiting for our debit cards for 2 weeks. We started a new bank account and had all of our money go into it besides a little bit we get put on a pre pay card. Turns out this online bank does not send out your debit card until you make a deposit (hit a week ago). I am sure it said that somewhere so that is on us.
Anyway we have been spreading the money we had super thin, and we finally reached a point the we are going to try to Venmo or Paypal again. We tried them early in the week and it would not connect to the other card for some reason.
My wife get everything set up while I am playing PS4, hits transfer and sends a test 50 bucks, it worked! So this is were I come in, I said you should have sent more. So I take the phone from her and Send $225 on Venmo and jokingly write "Sex?" in the message. Error can not process this transaction, next I get a email saying my account has violated terms of service and it is frozen.
TLDR: We finally found a way to transfer money while we were waiting on our debit cards, I fucked it up by writing "sex?" in the message to my wife. Now my account is frozen and we are back to not having our money.
Edit: It was a brand new account, I have never had to use Venmo before. So had I been verified, it probably would not have been an issue.
Update: Kind of anti climatic but debit cards came in today so we are saved. Still have not heard from venmo, so Kanye shrug. Peace out reddit was a blast. | It sounds more like you failed to pay for sex, which is appropriate since you probably won't get any after locking up your family funds.
Sorry for your loss. |
(Names changed for the sake of the post) So this took place maybe half an hour ago, and to be honest there's still a chance there will be some kickback for this today. I (25M) work in a call centre, and am doing so for the duration of this pandemic while I wait to find out whats happening about going back to university, its no career but its a pretty nice job with some decent people and its easy, all we do really is facilitate switches for people looking for better deals on household stuff, usually their internet provider or supplier of gas/electricity etc. We have agents in the field who make sales, then call us for verification with the customer, simple right?
Not today. See, usually its company policy not to do call-backs, nobody wants annoying call-centre calls right? So unless the customer specifically requests a scheduled call-back, we just don't do them. I had a customer 2 days ago looking for a pretty pricey internet switch, going from some basic setup to a full TV/Phone/Internet package, the works, all the channels, anytime calls to numbers including international, 500+ mbps wifi, and it came to over £100 a month. I inform the customer, who's an impatient sounding guy, that because of the price increase he'll need to have a quick credit check run on him and it'll mean the call takes a little longer. The guy gets all pissed about being busy and saying he "can't waste all afternoon on the phone to some call-centre" so would it be alright if I called him after the weekend to go through it then. Seemed straightforward enough...
This is pretty common, people are always up for the sale until they realise they'll need to spend more than 1 whole minute on the phone, but I scheduled the call anyway and asked if there was a specific time he wanted me to call, he says any time is fine and follows with "If Emily answers, just ask her for me, she'll make sure I get the phone" and gave me a home-phone number. Fast forward to today, and I make a grave error.
See, the application I had from the customer had his home phone number already filled in, which it turns out was NOT the same number he'd given me for today's call back. I called the number I thought was correct, and a woman answers. I say without thinking; "Oh hi, I'm calling for Steve to confirm his broadband switch, we spoke the other day? You must be Emily!" .....cue uncomfortable pause. She says "This is Steve's wife, Amanda. What do you mean I "must" be Emily?"
I apologised, and said "I'm so sorry, when I spoke to him the other day he said if an Emily answered to just ask for Steve?" And she just goes "I fucking knew it, I fucking KNEW IT." and slammed the phone down. After checking the application against the post-it note i'd jotted some info down on the other day, I realised Steve must have given me the number for where he was going to be today, and i'd instead called his unsuspecting wife at home. Nobody's called in to my workplace yet, but if they do I don't think they'll be happy
​
TL;DR Customer gave me a different number to his own for a call-back, and I accidentally called his wife and revealed his infidelity
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UPDATE! Well fUCK, angry Steve just called my workplace, and has achieved nothing but making himself look like an ever bigger fucking dipshit than he already has, also for the record, Steve was always a dick who can die in a hole, and deserves all he gets, the reason for the TIFU was because I was worried about my job) So I haven't worked here very long, and am still learning things about company policy, and it turns out that when an application is put through by an agent, it MUST be the applicants own details, according to what they provide the agent. So I was only technically allowed to call the wife anyway, not Emily's home number as he gave me. If he'd wanted the call to a different number, he would have had to have a new application submitted with revised details, it wasn't enough to just give me a different number over the phone, so my job is safe (phew) however my manager isn't happy and i'm getting a write-up, but I can live with that, they don't mean much and i've never had one til now, always on time and have taken overtime voluntarily etc. ANYWAY, this guy phones up and before saying anything else, leads the call with one of my colleagues, who by the way, is a teenage girl in what I think is her first job, and he says "Put me on with the little f\*cking c\*nt who thought it would be funny to call my wife earlier after I EXPLICITLY told him not too"
Obviously the poor girl was confused, and looked about to ask the room for a manager asap, I immediately piped up and said "Is it Mr X from \*insert location\*??" and she confirmed, so I got her to transfer the call to my desk ASAP, Steve comes on the line and goes "I bet you think you're well f\*cking funny you little pr\*ck, put your manager on the phone and see if you're so smart when you lose your job" So in my most sarcastic, overcompensating cutesy phone voice ever, I just say "Of course sir, let me just transfer you to someone who can help" then put him on hold for 20 minutes hoping it would wind him up even more while I found my manager and told him about the whole situation, he explained what i'd said above that I wasn't technically in the wrong from a legal standpoint, and then my poor team leader had to quickly explain to Steve that he didn't have a legal claim but that we're sorry for the distress caused (sucky I know, but its a business after all) and now hopefully Steve's evening culminates in his entire life being ruined. I got a disciplinary write-up for it but its over now, sorry for the wall of text but thanks for the awards!
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UPDATE 2: For those wondering about the disciplinary, it was a formality and was the lowest possible level write-up my company can give, it was given as a formality because of disruption to the office (the girl Steve called was upset and it became a whole thing) He argued that I still made a mistake but that ultimately I am in no trouble over it, he also cited on the write up that leaving him on hold for so long just to wind him up was spiteful and petty, which, yeah, but Steve deserved it so it be like that
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Update 3: Not a continuation of the story, but thanks so much for the /insane/ amount of awards, (I didn't even know an argentinium award was a thing) I'm glad this story has given you guys as much joy and faith in karma as it has my colleagues and I today, it's spiralled to become the talking point of the whole office today and has been a bit of a scandal! Your support over my write-up is touching, but I won't challenge it, hopefully before long i'll be on to better things and this will just be a funny memory! This has even somehow birthed its own subreddit?? To the creator of r/TodaySteveFuckedUp, a special thanks 😆Thanks again for so much love, you Reddit bunch are the best x | He deserved it. Don’t feel bad. |
This happened a couple hours ago. I recently proposed to my long term girlfriend a couple weeks ago. Unfortunately due to the nature of my work we have to move soon and having a real wedding before then during covid would be impossible. I got off work early today and after getting home my fiancée asked if we could go get some paperwork notarized for our courthouse wedding we planned to have in a month or two. We hopped in the car with a form we printed off the county website and drove to the closest UPS, the notary checked our IDs and had us sign and then she signed, notarized the form, and said congratulations. Cool, now all we have to do is go to the courthouse on a day of our choosing to be wed. My fiancée called the courthouse afterwards double checking to see if we needed to bring anything else and after calling me her boyfriend the lady on the phone corrected her by saying “husband.” She then told my fiancée our state no longer requires a ceremony with the judge at the courthouse. That form is literally the marriage certificate and she is now married. Whoops! We had a honeymoon picnic at a park near a lake
TLDR: A UPS worker officially married me and my wife without us knowing. | Congrats! Ask UPS for the surveillance footage so you can share your big day with your family! |
For context, I am a Med Student into my 2nd year of Med School.
Today we had a urine lab and for the vote of confidence, my professor decided it would be much appropriate for everyone to bring their own Urine. So everyone had their urine in front of them in the Container, and we were doing several tests (Making Slides, Microscope, Testing for glucose, RBC's etc.) so on the central table, So after doing all my tests and recording them in my journal, I thought it would be fun to mess around. There was a pack of pregnancy strips (I don't know why the HELL these things were there in the first place). So I thought literally nothing and picked up the strips and started reading the leaflet, in the mean time everyone was done and they saw me. I don't know why we all had the same idea and all 15 students picked up a strip and mindlessly dipped it in the urine container, as expected nearly all of them tested negative, all but one
I cannot describe the horror on that girl's face, Like it was really really horrified. She just without thinking took another strip and tested again, Still positive.
She ran out of the lab rather VERY visibly upset. Me and the other classmates were really awkwardly staring at each other and trying to understand what happened in this turn of events.
TL;DR Had a Routine Urine lab in Med school, Started messing around after getting work done, everyone took a pregnancy test and one turned out positive | Next year there will be no pregnancy strips in the lab. |
Throwaway for reasons.
TL;DR at the bottom.
So this was more of a FU that happened quite a while ago which only just caught up to me a few weeks ago, so also not today.
About 11 months ago I moved into a new house as a temporary sort of thing until I could get the money together to sort something out properly, I was hoping to have already moved out by this point. On my second day after I’d finished unpacking I decided to break the house in with a nice acid trip, I’d brought some with me that I’d recently bought but not had the chance to use yet.
Things were going well with the trip but then it seemed to be getting really intense and I quickly realised that the tabs were much stronger than I had been told they were, and I thought being locked up in the unfamiliar house wasn’t helping me relax. So I figured the best thing to do to relax would be to go for a stroll because I was starting to get pretty overwhelmed at that point.
So I left the house to start my walk and my next door neighbour happened to be just arriving at the same time. It’s a street of tightly packed terraced houses so next door’s door is about one meter away from mine. I’d not met anybody on my street yet and didn’t realise this was a friendly tight-knit community where people talk to each other. She said something along the lines of “hello nice to meet you, my name’s (her name), are you new to the area?”
So basically I do this thing sometimes when people try to sell me things on the street etc where I pretend I can’t speak English. I remember a few words from my GCSE French so I just say some nonsense sentences and then people usually leave me alone. In the state I was in this conversation seemed like it would be way too intense for me and French just sort of came to me as my default response to the situation. My exact words were “je voudrais une boulangerie” (one of my favourite lines to use) and I shrugged my shoulders a bit with a weak smile. She pretty much just left me to it after that and I got on my way. I did my walk and got home about two hours later, I was tripping majorly so the walk ended up taking a lot longer than it needed to. When I got home though my next door neighbour was stood in her doorway talking to another neighbour who was stood outside. I tried to keep my head down because I couldn’t handle any more human interaction but she waved at me and said “bonjour”, so I instinctively returned the bonjour and got inside my house as fast as possible. When I got in I started freaking out straight away because I realised that I’d just become French and now two of the neighbours think I can’t speak any English. The next day when I woke up I realised the best thing I could do (as an Englishman) was just live with the lie for the rest of my short stay in this house to avoid the excruciating embarrassment of having pretended to be French for seemingly no reason.
Fast forward 10 months, I still live here, and at this point I’m in DEEP. My life on this street is a web of lies. I’ve perfected my French accent and over the course of 10 months French Me has learnt a decent amount of English so he can hold disjointed conversation.
I’d gotten to know the neighbours pretty well and I was the nice quirky French guy on the street. I didn’t let the lie slip ever, because every day and every conversation I had just meant that it would be even worse if anyone ever discovered I wasn’t French. If I had friends come over (I don’t have many so it wasn’t too bad) they knew to never speak to the neighbours because of my strange situation. Most of them found it amusing, at least.
Things were going okay and I wasn’t too worried about being exposed anymore because I’d gotten so used to it. I’m not home that much and when I am I rarely leave the house for any reason so I only had to do it for maybe 5 minutes a day when I was out on my street. If anything it was a nice way to spice up my day when I got to take on my French persona. French Me somehow had much better social skills than the real me, even if his English was a bit limited.
But then there was the day it all came crashing down. I was walking to my car and saw one of the neighbours coming towards me from the opposite direction with someone else next to her I didn’t recognise. She stopped to say hi, as she normally does, and then she says to her friend “this is f7tj78, the guy I was telling you about”. You might be able to see where this is going.
Her friend hits me with a question in French that I didn’t understand a word of, and I knew he was actually French straight away because his accent was way better than mine. I didn’t know what to do and I just froze. Every second that went past just made it so much more painful and after way too long of a pause I just decided I had to come clean. I told her I wasn’t actually French and couldn’t speak French and then I tried to play it off like some kind of practical joke I’d been doing on everyone. Nobody was buying that. I fast walked straight to my car and then let the embarrassment just swallow me for a while.
I haven’t spoken to any of my neighbours since, some of which I’d struck up a friendly relationship with over those 10 months. I make sure nobody is around now whenever I leave the house, and I do a loop around the block in my car if any of my neighbours are walking down the street when I get home so that I never come into contact with them. Every time I think about the day I was discovered the embarrassment physically hurts me.
TL;DR: Pretended to be French to avoid human interaction on LSD, lived a lie for 10 months and got exposed by a French man.
EDIT: I didn’t think this post was going to catch much attention, and I’m praying none of my neighbours use reddit and see this and decide to come over to talk to me about all this. Some people seem to have a hard time believing that I thought keeping it going for 10 months would actually be a good idea, I’d like to remind people that when I made the decision to keep it up this was supposed to be a very temporary living situation for me. | "I knew he was actually French because accent was way better than mine"
Or hes just been in this game longer than you can imagine. |
You may have read my original post this morning about how I had a Lyft driver pressuring me to give him my personal phone number and email address before my ride. I felt unsafe and canceled. Even after escalating, Lyft refused to refund me. Only after my posts hit 3 million views, did they suddenly try to call me and they offered me my $5 refund.
But get this. Suddenly I'm getting tagged and I discover that their official account has posted for the first time in ages.... and DOXXED me in the thread. Instead of tagging my username, since I posted anonymously, their post reads "Dear [My real name]".
And here is the kicker, that is normally a bannable offense. Instead, the comment is removed by the moderators from the thread, but it has not been removed from their profile nor has their profile been banned as a normal user would be. It's still up!
Not sure what to do to get it removed. Any media I can contact to put pressure on Lyft??
TL;DR: Got myself DOXXED by the official Lyft account, which reddit apparently does not want to ban or even remove the comment.
Edit: After 5 hours, they removed my name. One of their execs just emailed me to inform me that they removed it, and suggested I could delete my Lyft account. I suggested they clean up their PR and CS teams because they're not doing so well today.
For your amusement: she is one of the top execs and she is located in the central time zone, so she was doing this at 11:00 p.m. 😂 Sounds like they are finally awake and paying attention. 👋
Update Tuesday morning: the customer service rep (same one who doxed me) who insisted he wanted to speak to me on the phone did not in fact call me at the appointed time. Of course, it's entirely possible that he woke up no longer employed by Lyft. | |
For context I’m a bank teller at one of the biggest banks in the U.S. This is also by far the highest paying job I’ve ever had as I only just graduated high school.
This dude who looked to be on the older side came in and he wanted to know why his debit card kept declining. So I pulled up his account history and there was literally pages upon pages of online purchases. The gag? Every single one of the purchases was OnlyFans. I guess that he subscribed to many many pages......and the craziest part was that they were over the last few days directly after he got paid so he got a bunch of money then blew it all on OnlyFans subscriptions!
When I saw the account history I pretended to cough because I had the biggest urge to laugh but I managed to hold it in. I asked him if he had online banking or if he’d managed to look at his account history recently & he said no. I offered to print it out for him and he said yes please. When I handed the printouts to him, he just said ahhhh. And I came so close to laughing again but I managed to hold it in and be professional. Then I asked if he made those purchases and he just dejectedly said yes. And. I. Giggled. I couldn’t help it. He gave me this weird look & left. Afterwards I had to excuse myself to the bathroom and laughed it all out of my system.
I guess he called in to complain because after I came from my lunch break my manager called me into his office and now we’ve scheduled a call for HR tomorrow. I’m probably pretty fucked..
TL;DR - laughed at a guy when I saw his bank account history was full of OnlyFans subscriptions and I’m prolly gonna lose my job for it
Update: wow thanks a lot for all your really nice messages. I just got done meeting with HR and I did exactly what you guys said, I took full responsibility for what happened. My manager asked why it was funny and I explained what OnlyFans is and the HR lady burst into laughter. They just let me off with a verbal warning and they said they appreciate the fact that I took responsibility but that I should try better controll my laughter next time, which is definitely fair enough. I’m just glad I still have my job, thanks for the advice from all the lovely redditors and the supportive PM’s that i received :) it really helped cause I was so anxious about being fired haha but thanks y’all :) | If you lose your job, you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that at least you have enough intelligence and impulse control to not spend all your remaining money on porn. |
Disclaimer- this happened at least 6 years ago and was deeply repressed by shame. I only remembered it in a conversation with my wife when she asked, “What was your most embarrassing moment?”
So I was at a work party, and my gf at the time (not currently my wife) offered to pick me up and drive me home, knowing I would get fully sloshed at the party. She was right.
On the way home, I ask her to pull into a gas station for cigarettes. She pulls her light blue Jeep into the parking lot, I stumble out of the Jeep, go in, and complete my purchase.
I (over aggressively) yank open the passengers door to the blue Jeep, plop myself down on the seat, and say to my gf. “I can’t wait to get home and fuck the shit out of you.”
I was not expecting to get hit in the face. I also did not expect the loudest goddamn screaming I’ve ever heard in my life. Instinctively, I covered up my face and wondered what the hell I said wrong, as it was not uncommon for either of us to say something like that to each other.
The screaming was intense and sounded very scared, so I couldn’t really make out what my gf was yelling, until between punch 3 or 4, when I heard, clear as a bell, “You fucking rapist get the fuck outta my car.”
WHOA WHOA WHOA instant sobriety. I uncovered my face and looked up, finally dawning on me that although I was in a blue Jeep, it was not my gfs blue Jeep. My gfs identical blue Jeep was parked next to- and blocked by- this random woman’s blue Jeep.
I finally tumbled out of the car, went to my gfs car, and told her what happened. She convinced the woman not to call the police to tell them about some crazy guy breaking into her car and telling her he was gonna fuck her.
I did not fuck anyone that night.
TL;DR: drunkenly got into the wrong car, assumed the driver was my gf, and told her I was going to fuck her | MY grandma was on the receiving end of something like this once. She was sitting at Walmart waiting on my grandpa when some other old guy opened the door and said, "I'm back, dear." (Or something to that effect.) Then sat down.
Grandma looked over at him and said, "You're in the wrong car, darling."
The guy jumped at the unfamiliar voice and started apologizing profusely.
When Grandpa came back, Grandma told him she almost left with another man. |
Not today, this was several years ago now but I still cringe about it every now and then.
When I was a freshman at university I had a huuuge crush on one of my lecturers. Who was honestly just a regular looking middle aged man. I was so obsessed with him that I often stalked him online including on LinkedIn, where I made a profile just so that I could stalk him. It was creepy.
Years later when I joined the workforce and actually started using LinkedIn seriously I realised that people actually get notified every time someone views your profile.
He used to give me odd looks when I would pass him around campus and I used to be paranoid thinking oh god he knows that I fantasise about him bending me over his desk in his office. But then I’d think nah nah nah how could he possibly know that?
He must’ve been thinking hey there’s that weird girl who used to look at my LinkedIn profile daily.
He even saw me at my graduation and made a very deliberate glance at me. He. Knows
TLDR: stalked my professor on LinkedIn without knowing he’d be notified that I viewed his profile | *beep notification*
"Oh a student of mine has found my linkdin profile, haha funny"
*beep*
"Oh she's back again hmmm"
*beep*
"...what, again?"
*beep*
*beep*
*beep*
*beep*
"Oh she nasty" |
Okay so necessary this actually happened in the last couple of weeks. Basically my boyfriend suffers from pretty low self esteem, like it's not like he's too bothered about his looks but he rates himself a 5 out of 10 at best.
Obviously I think he's gorgeous and handsome but even though I've been saying this for years, he does not believe me. So, for some stupid reason, I decided to show him that other girls would find him attractive by making him a tinder account. I set him up an account, make him a bio and just start swiping right.
After a day he got around a dozen matches on tinder and after I showed this to him, I saw how he immediately became more confident and thanked me for the whole gesture.
Queue my surprise when a couple of days later I check the tinder account I had basically forgotten after 24 hours, and I could see lots of messages sent to lots of the girls my bf had matched with.
I confronted him and he denied it but I mean these messages even included promises to meet each other. Obviously, we broke up and out of curiosity I checked the tinder account again after a week and this breakup has clearly not slowed him down one bit. So now the tinder I made for him not only broke us up, but is now helping him navigate his newly single life loooooooool
TL;DR: made a tinder account for my bf to prove that he is attractive and he ended up ditching me for one of the girls he matched with
Edit: Wow I did not expect this to blow up! Thank you so much for the gold and silver and for your kind, kind words. It honestly touches me how absolutely lovely thousands of strangers can be.
Also, if anyone needs help with their tinder, hmu lol because I’m apparently pretty good at it.
| Congratulations, you played yourself. |
It’s still in my post history because I am permanently keeping it as a reminder that I’m a fucking idiot whenever my ego gets out of check.
Okay so this morning I posted on Reddit a conversation me and my friends had in which we all unanimously agreed that drinking a gallon of milk in under an hour is 100% possible and is an incredibly easy challenge. My reasoning was that an entire hour is a lot of time, and that if you just slowly and steadily drink the milk while portioning yourself there’s no reason why anybody can’t do it. One of the lesser challenges was doing a half gallon in an hour and I can say from a certain experience with hot sauce a while ago that I was 100% capable of achieving that so I was absolutely confident I could do two.
I posted it to Reddit, feeling pretty high and mighty of myself on the “unpopular opinions” board and was immediately provided with multiple comments informing me that I was an idiot and had no idea what I was talking about. These comments from inferior humans asked me to record my endeavors and I was without a doubt ready and willing to prove them wrong. So I went to my local 7/11, bought a gallon of 2% and got back to my dorm.
I will give myself credit through my naive ego, I did prepare for the worst a little bit, I sat with a towel bib in case of dribblage and pre-opened one of the shower stalls because the toilets would not account the possible gallons worth milk that could occur from the bovi-licious odyssey I was about to traverse upon. So I turned on my video camera and filled up 5 approximately 25 ounces cups of milk.
Looking at these completely full cups infront of me, the milk carton definitely tricks you with its sheer volume and I was realizing the challenge ahead of me, but mama didn’t raise no bitch so I went in.
First cup: Totally easy, I love milk, my father, brother and I will go through a gallon within 2-3 days tops, and all I have to do is do this every 12 minutes and I’m home free and all those losers on Reddit will know how cool I am.
Second cup: I down this one too, easy peasy, though the first signal to my brain that I was very much so satiated with my daily value of calcium was already upon us. Though this was a challenge even the greatest often failed at, I wasn’t going to underestimate this challenge, but rather like a matador I will corral this bull with steadiness and finesse.
Third cup: this one I was able to not consistently down, I got about half way through and I had to breathe for a second. But I have a 12 minute window to down this so I don’t have to rush it. The camera is still recording, I wonder if I have to post this full hour of footage to prove it or if I can just skip to each time I drink. Ha. Imagine the looks on their faces when they see I can drink an entire gallon. How much time till my next cup? IVE GOT 30 SECONDS?!
Fourth cup: OKAY! I FINISHED THE THIRD CUP IN THE TIME WINDOW! The 12 minute mark hit and I didn’t immediately drink it, I picked it up, inspected it’s beautiful color and temperature, and immediately had to put it back down because a certain noise just befell my ears... did my stomach just... hiccup? Me and humbleness have a very long distance relationship, and as the crazy zodiac girl in my nursing classes has informed me, “you totally DO give off Leo energy”. And while my understanding of stars is lacking I think that translates to at this very moment, I definitely have gotten myself into a bad scenario thanks to my ego”. I begin to drink the fourth cup and my stomach is really starting to slosh around, it’s just stagnant and sitting in there and I can feel it truly filling up. SOMEHOW, BY SHEER MIRACLE OR LUCK, I get cup 4 down within the time window with a few minutes to spare.
Fifth cup: ALL. I. DID. WAS. BURP. A very small burp, but up with it came a mouth full of milk. I realized my fate was sealed. As I swallowed it back down I knew that the second part of the challenge was actually sitting there and not puking as the body begins to naturally break down the lactose and shit in the milk. I haven’t even touched the fifth cup yet, just decided to bring my knees up to my chest to help with the completely full stomach... then, I, very graciously I should add, sprinted like a mad man to the open shower, kneeled on that gross ass floor and prepared for the inevitable. 10 seconds.. 15... nothing was happening... so I slowly got up and went to head back to my room to hopefully finish the challenge, and THEN I BUMPED THE STALL DOOR RIGHT INTO MY GUT.
In that moment I saw two things, the white of the milk projectile ejecting from my mouth into the shower floor from my rapidly turning head as to not destroy everything. And the vision of God punishing me for the next probably 40 years because I attempted to achieve the ways of the golden calf.
It is now 5 hours later, and Reddit has won this time with their stupid facts and basic science that I chose to ignore. I am still making frequent trips to the bathroom with generous supplies of dairy for the toilet from both ends. If you need me I will be listening to “I told you so’s” from the toilet.
Tl;dr: I try to best Reddit by drinking a whole gallon of milk and now my stomach is churning to the point that I may shit butter
Edit: It has been only two hours and so far I have seen many people read this story, understand my overconfidence within it, and then comment that they bet they could personally do the challenge themselves and will be trying soon, which makes me feel better knowing that I am not ill for this world. Thanks guys!
Edit 2: FAQ on my [Main Page](https://www.reddit.com/user/leprecaun8/comments/n1bzfh/quick_little_faq_so_that_i_dont_have_to_check_250/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) | As I recall, MythBusters showed it’s the volume of liquid, not the lactose or anything else in the milk, that makes it a challenge for most people. A gallon of water in one hour would only be somewhat less gross to vomit back up.
Edit: Wow, this really blew up. Check out my Soun- Hold on, I’m being handed a note... Ladies, buy the best cli- |
So I have an uncle (we will call him J) who has always been VERY vocal about his disapproval of my sexuality. There is not a family gathering that goes by where he doesn't say something assholish about homosexuality or me specifically.
Well this weekend in between family gatherings I was looking to meet somebody . I started chatting with an older man because that's how I roll. A lot of older guys don't like to show their faces because they aren't out so I don't think much of it when he doesn't show me his face. We actually hit it off great and after receiving a few pics I wish I could unsee and sending a few I wish I could take back , we decided to meet up for well... you know.
So I'm at this coffee shop down the street waiting for my man to show up and you know who walks in . It is at this moment I realize my FU, I've been flirting with my gay hating closeted uncle. He tried to play it off like a random encounter but I wasn't letting him get away with that. After some pressing he finally admits that he is the man I've been talking to and I told him I don't judge him like he does me . He apologized for the hurtful things he's said to me over the years
He kept talking with me like he was still INTERESTED and I had to make it clear that was NOT going to happen . I had to get up and walk out and after multiple texts from him I had to go ahead and block his number. I can't believe this guy had the nerve to judge me and treat me like less of a human being all these years when he's a total creep and a massive hypocrite.
Always get a face pic, people.
TL:DR: chatted and eventually met up with a potential hookup that turned out to be my homophobic uncle . Should have insisted on the face pic
Edit: yea this blew up... too much to respond to but I'll answer some pressing questions . I did, in fact, send a face pic so he did know who I was . It is pretty disturbing to say the least. As far as blackmail goes I have everything saved but I don't plan on doing anything with it as I think that could actually put me in danger . This man obviously has more problems that any of us could have known.
Edit 2: this was fake . Reddit is gullible and I fucking hate TIFU . It's all fake stories just like twoxchromosomes . Get baited . AMA https://www.reddit.com/r/AMA/comments/bgvj1e/i_made_the_front_page_with_50k_upvotes_yesterday/ | Its not incest if you say no chromo! |
The tale I'm about to weave happened some time ago. Figured I'd tell this story though so here it goes:
I used to date this girl and early on in our relationship we were all about the "going out to bars" phase and hanging out every chance we could. Well it was a Friday night and my brother was playing guitar at a bar so I thought it'd be fun to join my parents and my sister and drink and listen to him play. My parents arrived at the bar first, and then my girlfriend and I arrived in my car. We parked a couple cars down from my dads car. There were a ton of cars so we found a spot and nestled right in.
Cut to an hour in: We're having a grand old time, drinkin and yuckin' it up with my family. Well I look at my girlfriend and she flashes me the, "sexy eyes" and of course me being a drunk and horny 23 year old decides to flash em back. So i pretend I'm going outside with her to have a smoke and we go to my car and it's pretty dark out. Noone is around. I triple check to look for people and then when I assume its safe i pull out my log and she starts giving me the ol blowie.
Now I'm in the car for a good 15 minutes with her and we were both drunk, but not completely useless...but we both must of lost track of time because we were so in the moment that we didn't realize the "gig" my brother was playing let out....
I hear the knock on the window first and we both jump about 2 feet in the air in our seats. I look up. My sister starts walking away shaking her head. I see my mom with the most horrified look on her face. My brother is loading up my dads car with his music equipment. My dad just turned and tried to hurry my mom back to their car. Meanwhile my girlfriend pretends to be looking for a contact while I'm struggling to zip up my jeans.
The next day my girlfriend and I had plans for dinner with my parents. I wanted to get ahead of the situation to gauge my dad's reaction and to hopefully find out what exactly they saw. So I begin to open my mouth when he cuts me off and says "so we're having chicken for dinner tonight". "Cool dad, but <insert gfs name here> is a vegetarian". And without missing a beat my dad says: "not from what we saw last night....unless you have a broccoli dick." Ladies and gentlemen, my father.
Tl:dr - my entire family caught me getting a blowjob from my girlfriend at the time. | And that's how he became known as Broccoli Rob. |
This TIFU actually happened yesterday (throwaway account)
It was a sunny day in an otherwise crappy Scandinavian summer. So me and my 5yo son went out to play at one of the city playgrounds. This particular playground has a really cool artificial river for kids to play in. Needless to say, the place was packed. Since my boy was having such a good time playing with his friends, now was a good moment to make my weekly FaceTime-call with my mom.
Hence my error....
Fast forward 5 minutes.... I am still having a nice chat, laying down with the sun in my face. Life is good. When suddenly the sun literally got blocked by four or five moms and dads gathering around me, looking absolutely PISSED. One of the dads says: "we called the police". I had no clue what they were talking about. Let alone that they meant that they called the police on *me*. I naively asked "oh, what happened?". Replied by "You are filming our kids without our permission.".... eh, wait, what??
While still on FaceTime with my mom I look over my phone to see what I am actually pointing my camera towards. I see a bunch of butt-naked kids running around, while my own kid wandered off to some other part of the playground. I desperately tried to explain what is going on, and that I wasn't just filming random kids. But I was so stressed that I couldn't find the words (I am living in this country as a foreigner, and don't fully master the language yet). Honestly, if I were these guys I would be darn sceptical of the situation myself.
By now the crowd grew to a mob of 15 people or so. I got up to get my kid, when one of the dads says that I cannot leave without leaving my phone. "Hell no", I said. That sobered me up quite fast and I explained in clearer words what is going on. The situation cooled down and most parents walked away. But there were two couples that would have none of it, and demanded me to stay until the police arrived.
Eventually the police showed up and fortunately they were really chill about it - almost laughing when I explained what was going on. They asked me to show my camera-roll which of course showed nothing improper. Also I showed my call history, which indicated that indeed I had quite a long phone call with my mom on FaceTime.
The angry couples apologised, which I appreciated. Me and my son gathered our stuff and immediately went home. On the way home my son asked why everyone wanted to see my pictures..... Oh boy, I can't wait for him to be old enough for me to tell him this story.
TL;DR : Went to the water-playground with my kid, called my mom on FaceTime, and was mistaken by parents for voyeur-filming their naked kids.
EDIT 1: Whow this exploded! Interesting to see the different perspectives. I guess there are some cultural differences between the nations - which is fine. I don't judge culture.
EDIT 2: Regarding social distancing; Scandinavia is not in lock-down, and (practically) never has been. We have a relatively obedient population where we follow government recommendations without too much questioning. So far we were spared the catastrophe, meaning that our kids can still play in the park. But who knows that the future holds in store... Stay safe everyone! | This reminds me of something my dad did once.
My wife and I had recently moved into our first apartment together, but there a bunch of kids on the estate who weren’t particularly well-trained. These kids decided to throw shit in our house; stones, rubbish, balls, you name it, through the open door, the letterbox, etc. This was stressing my wife out so I called my dad to see what he suggested. Of course we should confront their parents, right? But we had no idea who these kids belonged to, let alone which doors to knock on. So my dad, the super clever bastard he is decides to sit in the doorway with his camera phone out. I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea, but he persisted. His logic was sound; pretend to use the phone as security footage in order to deter the kids from trying anything. Unfortunately those little shits ran back to their parents saying some old guy was outside taking videos of them. He got in deep shit with the entire neighbourhood, but at least we now knew who was responsible for the little shits.
We moved out less than a year later.
EDIT: Because a few people have been commenting about evidence - there wasn’t any. My dad wasn’t actually filming the kids. He was just pretending to do so as a deterrent. Even if he had filmed, it would’ve just been video evidence of kids hanging around in the street giving him stink-eye because he was an old man filming kids. There was no evidence of any foul play to confront the kids parents with, or to take to the police. |
So last Thursday night I saw everyone tagging their step dads in the Budweiser commercial. Without watching it, I sent it to my stepdad. About an hour later my step dad and mom call me and ask if I’m hinting at something. My step dad is like I know you had intent. I’m like HUH??? OMG IN THE COMMERCIAL THE ADULT CHILDREN ARE ASKING THEIR STEPDADS TO ADOPT THEM. So he starts crying, thinking I want this. Now I can’t tell him that I didn’t mean to. Friday he squeezed me so tight and said he wants me take his name and make it official. Etc etc. all I can think is wow that sounds like a huge hassle. But I can never say anything about it being an accident. So like now I’m being adopted and changing my name.
Tl/dr sent a fathers day commercial to my stepdad who is adopting me now. I’m 31! | You fucked up but you made your step dad very very happy. Not all is bad |
Around two years ago, I invested in a new pc that came with a GTX 1050. I didn't really notice any difference in performance when I used a laptop and was struggling to understand why anyone would even want to use a pc if there wasn't that much of a benefit.
I continued using it up until a few days ago, where I finally caved in and ordered a new GTX 1660 S graphics card. Obviously, I expected this new one to be much much better than my previous one. Boy, I was wrong. I felt absolutely no difference whatsoever.
It was only until then when I realised the HDMI cable had been connected into the crappy Intel graphics card that comes with every Intel CPU.
tl;dr I didn't realise my pc was connected to the crappy built in graphics card instead of the one that I bought
edit: For those asking if the 1050 is on sale, I'll be giving it to my brother. | One of the best TIFUs I've ever read. Thank you! |
This morning I decided to surprise my girlfriend with a proposal in bed. Not the most original or romantic approach, I know. Initially the plan was to pop the question over dinner last night, but alas, the build up towards the big moment got the better of me. However, today I woke up determined to do what needed to be done.
So, there I was, on one knee next to my girlfriend's side of the bed, waiting for her to open her eyes and see me holding the ring. The moment I attempted to wake her up she groaned and rolled over, leaving me with nothing to look at but the back of her head. My heart was beating hard enough to hear. I leaned over my girlfriend and gently tapped her on the shoulder. Instead of waking up like a normal person, she *hissed* in her sleep like a fucking vampire before elbowing me in the face. I stumbled back and dropped the damn ring.
My girlfriend woke up during the commotion and the first thing she saw was me bleeding from my nose. Not gonna lie, when she rushed over to comfort me I flinched. The hissing thing she did scared the shit out of me. After all the drama died down, I managed to recover the ring without her noticing. Speaking of recover, my nose still hurts.
Tonight I'll try again. This time I'll make sure to propose while my girlfriend is wide awake and still human.
**TL:DR Attempted to surprise my girlfriend with a proposal in bed, but little did I know getting her to wake up required blood.**
*Edit: I'm just gonna leave an update here for all the comments requesting an update. She said yes! My girlfriend is now officially my fianceé. Not that anyone really cares about this part, but my nose also stopped hurting.* | Make sure there's plenty of garlic in your dinner tonight. |
Right off the bat I want to say that I am in no way shape or form making light of suicide. This was not a prank gone wrong, or something I did on purpose, but rather a very unfortunate series of usually perfectly benign activities that led to me accidentally terrifying and mortifying my wife. Burner for reasons.
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This happened a couple of weeks ago. I tripped and sprained my ankle. It's been bothering me enough that I've been taking Epsom salt baths in the evenings after work. In addition to helping with the sprain and swelling, I also find it incredibly relaxing. Say what you want about a grown man taking a bath, I enjoy a good soak.
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I also deal with a condition called angiokeratoma. It's basically blood vessels that have expanded and cause a few small, (albeit slightly unsightly) dark spots a rather sensitive area...I call them old man spots. They're harmless, and most of the time I don't even notice, BUT every once in a while...I'll irritate one of these small bumps and it bleeds like a sonofabitch. Additionally it takes FOREVERRR to get the bleeding to stop...its not like I can elevate my balls, Let alone put a band aid on...
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Well...on the day in question, I get a text from my wife that she's going to be working late. So, I get home and decide to soak my ankle/enjoy a little peace and quiet. It's not really important how I did it, but I ended up nicking one of those spots. So, after cursing a reasonable amount, I start the lengthy ritual of holding TP against it and checking every so often to see if it's stopped. Even after the bleeding stops I have to be very careful for the next few minutes to not get it started again, almost like scratching off a very fresh scab...Well I finally get it stopped and a short time later, proceed with my bath. I put on my headphones, closed my eyes and relaxed...
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I wasn't asleep but I was really zoned out and relaxed...until I was snapped out of it by my wife screaming in absolute terror. I've never ever ever heard her, or anyone scream like that. It scared the shit out of me, and I jolted awake nearly flew out of the tub. I shouted "HONEY? WHAT THE FUCK!" She didn't answer me, she was in a heap on the floor bawling. It took me a second to figure out what the hell was going on before shouting "Jesus Christ!".....I could see what it must look like to her... I had apparently NOT stopped the bleeding as well as I thought I had....and my wife walked in on me eyes closed, slouched over in bathtub full of very bloody water.
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It took me a long time to calm her down, and I don't think that's something you just get over. Hopefully one day we can laugh about it, but it won't be any time soon.
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TL;DR - nicked my nuts, didn't stop the bleeding completely even though I thought I had. Took a bath, zoned out. Wife walked in on me oblivious to the fact I was bleeding into the water and thought that I had killed myself. Sorry honey.
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​ | At least she didn't walk in and start celebrating. |
So quite recently I’ve been listening to the song “Scatman”, which for the uninitiated is a dope song of a dude scatting which kinda goes like “scatdobiddlybiddlygiddlydiddlybiddlydiddly...” and then he says “I’m the Scatman!”.
So I couldn’t get this song out of my head for the past couple days and I was always queuing it up on Spotify.
Long story short a girl I’ve been dating came over last night and my brain didn’t override my stupidity when I decided to add Scatman to my sexytime playlist.
When she came over it was pretty much ‘prepare for battlestations’ from the first minute, so I put the sexytime playlist on shuffle. It started off well with some song from the Mezzanine album, and then one I can’t remember and then a jazzy one. By this point I was just beginning to go down on her.
This is where I fucked up. The Scatman song came up next after the relaxing jazz and it was so fucking jarring.
I guess a normal person would’ve stopped and skipped the song. I really regret not doing that now.
Instead of that, without skipping a fucking beat, I started to use my tongue and went down on her at the same exact pace as the dude in the song was scatting. It was so fast that I had to concentrate hard to get the timing right. I know it probably was bad technique, but I started and I had to commit.
It was probably 9 seconds of doing that before I stopped and came up. I looked into her eyes and perfectly in time with the song I said “I’m the Scatman”.
I don’t know what expression I expected to see on her, my brain clearly short circuited for me to do that in the first place. What I didn’t expect was the look of pure disgust.
That moment went in pure slow motion for me. My brain pretty much exploded and was like “ah fuck I can’t believe I’ve done this”
I saw no means of recovery so I got up and paused the song. And she said “can we just hang for a bit instead” and I agreed. We ended up watching an episode of Friends, both of us refusing to acknowledge what just happened. Then she said she had to go back to her place.
We’ve only been dating for 3 weeks and I’m pretty sure I might’ve totally fucked this up. At least I have a funny story out of it, though I’d much prefer having a girlfriend.
Tldr: Went down on a girl to the Scatman song and now she might turn into a ghost
UPDATE: Since people have been asking. Nothings really has happened after I texted her “how’s it goin” the next day. Sorry to not have a juicy follow up story. Hopefully we don’t get into the same classes next semester at uni.
If we somehow get back together, I’ll make sure not to remove Scatman from my playlist.
I’m somewhat disturbed by the comments that theorised that she thought I was sexually attracted to fecal matter. I’ll try not to believe it, but looking back on her reaction it does make a lot of sense. | If the Scatman can do it brother, so can you
Edit: thanks for the gold and silver you beautiful anonymous internet angels!
Who knew watching BASEketball on VHS three times a week from 5th - 7th grade would finally pay off. |
Bit of back story. I started talking to a guy on Reddit last week. We hit it off, started texting and found out that he lives about 20 minutes from me. We decided to meet for a date on Friday. I have IBS and stomach was feeling a bit dodgy, but decided to soldier on. I was also very tired.
The FU: So I'm at this guy's house and I've made us a very nice Mac n Cheese. There was some cuddling, kissing and some sex. We're then snuggling on the sofa and I feel a big fart brewing. I'm hoping I can just absorb it back in to my body if I hold on to it long enough.
We start talking about massages and the guy offers to give me one. I choose a 'relaxing' oil. I'm naked on my front and he is naked, straddling me, kind of sitting on my bum. He starts rubbing my back, and turns out he's good at massages. I'm feeling really relaxed and start to drift off.
I then wake myself up with the most earth shattering fart I have ever expelled. The fart I was holding captive had burst free with a vengeance, displeased by the extended time spent in my rectum. It was hella loud and it was hella long. And it was right on his balls. It was so forceful, they vibrated.
His response was to tell me, through tears of laughter 'At least you didn't shit yourself'.
TLDR: Farted on a first date's balls.
Edit: For anybody interested, the mac n cheese is a very tasty recipe for those on a fodmap diet. You can replace pretty much all elements for low fodmap alternatives - gluten free pasta, lactofree milk and cheese, asafoetida for onion and garlic oil for garlic! | Reverse motorboat. Interesting. |
I admit I posted a version of this on the relationship subreddit the other day, but they closed it with no explanation, I assume because they just decided it was fake. I can see how they might think that, but this is a true thing that happened and is happening, and now there is more to it because I actually got broken up with over it.
With all that is going on, we had stocked up on supplies, including some canned goods. I ordered a few weeks ago 30 cans of beans. 10 are black beans, 10 are kidney beans, and 10 are pink beans. Also, I ordered 15 cans of chickpeas. I thought this is a reasonable amount of beans and chickpeas to have every now and then and would last for quite some time.
However earlier this week I opened the cabinet because I wanted to make a vegetarian chili using two cans of beans, but all of the beans were gone. What the hell?
I asked my girlfriend and she told me she buried all of the beans in the woods.
At first I thought she was joking, but she explained, no, she had buried the beans in the woods. WTF?
I asked her to explain and she told me she was afraid that "if things get bad" we might have to worry about "looters or whatever" and that the beans would be in danger of being stolen. I said I thought this was completely ridiculous and unlikely. She became angry at me and said she "is protecting our beans."
According to her logic, the beans are safely buried in the woods behind our apartment complex, and if we ever need some beans she will go to the "stash" and dig up a can or two, but would prefer if we save them all for "if things get worse".
I said why only bury the beans, why not bury our more valuable items? She said the canned food was most valuable for long-term means, and that since we get fresh food in our online grocery deliveries, it would make sense to continue to stockpile beans. She intends to go bury more beans in the woods every week.
This was too insane for me and I got very upset. I demanded to know where the beans were buried, and she refused to tell me. She said if I knew she was afraid I'd dig them up, I said damn right I would. She said "I will never jeopardize the beans."
The following day I tried to put my foot down, and I'm not usually a foot downer but there are rare issues where compromise is out of the question, and I foolishly decided this was one of those issues. I demanded to know where the beans were buried and I told her if she was going to bury beans I paid for in the woods that I would move out. We fought about it and I kept insisting.
In hindsight I should have just let it go and created my own hidden stash of beans in the apartment, and given her time to maybe cool down about this bean burying scenario, but I blew it all out of proportion. Yeah it's weird to bury beans in the woods but why did I have to press it? What's the harm at the end of the day? In the grand scheme of things? But I kept demanding her to take me to the beans, or at least draw a map or something, and finally she BROKE UP WITH ME. Over the beans. I have lost the love of my life because I couldn't let the damn beans go. I am in disbelief. She moved out. Not only am I heartbroken but I am now paying full rent instead of 50% which is a huge financial issue for me.
TL;DR - I kept demanding that my girlfriend show me where she buried the beans in the woods and she got so angry at me that she ended our relationship and moved out. My heart is shattered and my finances are jeopardized because of a bean hoard. | Go to r/metaldetecting and see if there is anyone in your area. DM me if you’re near Denver. I’ll find those fucking beans. |
A few years ago my wife and I bought a house with a hot tub. We enjoyed it but after a while it developed significant issues and we found it hard to justify the expense of repairing it... we opted just to shut it down for a while.
Well, COVID hit, and I figured that being in isolation with nothing much else to do is the best time to own a working hot tub. I tried to do the repair work myself, which took a lot of time and stress, and in the end I had to have a professional do it anyways. The process ended up costing almost $2000. But, with no vacations to budget for, we figured it was a good use of our money.
And it was! We've been loving using the hot tub this winter. We regularly go out there for family time with our kids, who love being able to swim around a bit, and I regularly go out by myself at night to unwind. We have a beautiful park behind our yard that makes it an amazing spot to relax. Because of COVID I've been having long zoom calls with groups of friends, and realized I could do that from the comfort of my hot tub, which just amped up the enjoyment of both activities.
Concurrent to all of this though, my wife and I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to have another baby. The giant FU is that we didn't think, at any point, of the fact that hot tubs kill sperm. Last night as we were discussing our failures in the bedroom, it finally occurred to us that the hot tub might be a problem. I was disappointed, thinking “shoot I guess there will be a few days every month when I can't use it.”
Nope. We looked it up and found out that after being boiled, it takes sperm three months to "respawn" or whatever they have to do.
So until I produce a winner, I am no longer allowed in my own hot tub that I slaved (and splurged) so much to repair. It took us two years to get pregnant with our previous child. Hopefully this one comes sooner.
TL;DR fixed my hot tub, boiled my future children
Edit: lots of doubts about my semen facts... this is the source we’re using: https://www.mcgill.ca/oss/article/health/facts-and-myths-male-fertility-tight-underwear-hot-tubs-marijuana-and-more
2nd edit (I can see why people do these): we have been to fertility specialists, thank you.
Also, it looks like the hot tub factor is about a 50% impact on fertility rates, meaning **no this isn’t reliable birth control!** | Sounds like a hot tub is the birth control I never knew I needed |
Edit: I am blown away by all the awards, and moreso by all the kind words and compliments about my writing. You guys have motivated me to start writing more. Thank you!
Didn't happen today, but still a bizarre and embarrassing memory that sometimes wakes me up at night.
Important preface: I am "drive the 1998 honda civic from the trailer park to Walmart to buy a $5 wolf t-shirt" poor.
A few years ago, I worked about 25 hours a week humping the grill at McDonald's in a frighteningly small town. When I wasn't on the clock, I was free to drink and mingle with the bottom of the social ladder of rural America. They were actually some of the nicest people I've ever met.
This was a self destructive period in my life. For entertainment, I'd pass the day drinking and crawling through Facebook for entertainment/drama. There isn't much more to do when you live in the trailer park in the middle of a cornfield in the Midwest. Especially when your weed guy is out of town.
I ended up friend requesting a somewhat older girl who was, well, "trashy hot." Like a trailer park Emma Watson with stress lines on her face. She seemed... open.
We exchanged pleasantries, which rapidly escalated to us flirting because we were both horny. We flirted for about 2 hours, which escalated to sexting. Through the haze of alcohol and horniness, I was certain that this was the most beautiful woman this side of the trailer park and I had scored big. We scrambled to make a time to meet up and "chill." Trailer Emma says "I'm ready for you now 😏😏". Now THAT got my warrior to stand at attention.
There was one problem though: she lived 40 miles away, across the county line, and snow was in the forecast. My poor little beater car did not handle snow well. But my dick had been crying out for this woman for hours now.
So I said fuck it. Took a minute to freshen up in my dirty little bathroom and hopped in the car. Quarter of a tank. That should be enough.
What followed was a long, windy drive through the dark, on ugly back roads. My dick ached from being hard for so long. Visions of passionately porking this woman flashed through my mind.
It took a while to find her house-- er, trailer. It was in a small trailer park basically in the middle of nowhere, way in the back. I had to crawl through the rows of dirty single wides, headlights on high, feeling intrusive and out of place. It seemed that the farther I creeped, the more run down the trailers became. By the time I got to the back, I was passing piles of siding and glass.
I finally get to her trailer. It's... Not great. But my dickbrain is fixated on the night of passion that surely lays before me.
Trailer Emma answers the door. She... Used a much nicer picture on Facebook. Even enrapt in a state of almost spiritual horniness, I could tell she had, well, aged. When she smiled, I noticed several of her teeth were black. My stomach clenched a little. I do NOT do well with bad teeth.
But the show must go on.
She took me in and briefly pointed out her kids. There were three small, dirty looking children huddled around an old TV. I remember her mentioning being a mom, but 3 kids was a little much... Plus they didn't look cared for. Uh oh.
By this point, a small part of me had already decided that an entire night of love making was off the menu, that I would bail when the fireworks were over. But not before some action. I still thought this girl was hot as long as she kept her mouth closed.
She pulled me into her bedroom-- which had an entire litter of kittens staring at me in the corner-- and started making out with me. Her kisses were way too sloppy and wet. This whole experience was going downhill pretty fast.
My spirit was torn in two-- part of me wanted to bail. The dirtiness, her physical appearance, the creepy trailerpark, the goddamn kittens watching me-- but the other part of me wanted to rip this woman's clothes off and fuck her till her pussy retired and moved to an assisted living facility.
My little head won.
I pushed her against the wall and started kissing her neck. I did my best to avoid her nasty mouth, though she kept trying to push it into my face. Within moments she was naked on the bed, legs spread, waiting for my stiff magic wand. This is what I had wanted, what I had been waiting for, a night of passionate love making with a questionable but moderately attractive Facebook mom, so I thrust my loins forth... and came immediately with a shudder and a groan.
"You came *now?* Trailer Emma said in a disappointed voice that still haunts my dreams. I guess being aroused for four hours can often result in sperm school being let out early.
Now, I'm just a man. This has happened before. Normally I'd take a few minutes to recharge my batteries and get back to work.
Which is what I would have done... Had I not been experiencing the singularly WORST episode of post nut clarity/regret that I ever had in my entire life. Everything hit me at once. Being far from home, at night, in a strange trailerpark. Her dirty, sad looking kids in the other room. Her meth mouth. Her emaciated frame clinging to a pair of obviously fake boobs.
It was like the existential dread/paranoia from weed, except it came out of my dick.
Then, I noticed the window. Remember how I said snow was in the forecast? Well, there it was! Fluttering past the outside light like a ghostly interpretive dance of "your ass ain't going home."
I immediately hopped up and tried to emit some kind of plausible excuse for leaving. I don't even remember what I said. I do remember her sitting on the bed and giving me a blank stare as I fumbled over words. I felt like the dumbest man in the world. I just wanted to disappear.
I quickly threw my clothes on and stumbled out the door without a good-bye. I start my beater car and try to reverse. But I don't move. My bald tires spin in the mix of slush and mud. I start to panic. I gently depress the accelerator as visions of spending the night with this weird lady and her kids dance in my head. By a miracle of God, the car lurches backwards. I laugh hysterically with relief.
The drive home was long, slow, and dangerous. The snow hurtled past my windshield in silence, my chest heavy with embarrassment and regret. What in the blue fuck was I thinking?? Driving 40 miles in the snow to fuck a stranger in a strange place?? I couldn't wait to get home and forget these awful memories in a haze of pot and PBR.
The first thing I did when I got home was log into Facebook to block my lover. Thankfully, she already had. Then I went to my room and got so, so drunk.
Everything was better till I woke with a fever... Because I had chlamydia... Because I went in on a strange woman bareback. I had to call my gram to pick me up in her nicer vehicle and take me to the clinic an hour away. She grilled me the whole time about why I was going and I had to lie and say I had a sore throat.
The antibiotics they gave me ended up making me incredibly sick so I had to go to the clinic a few days later for a big shot. I missed four days of work and almost didn't make rent.
So, I traded about three seconds of sexual enjoyment for an infected dick, a tiny paycheck, a pissed off gram, and a lifetime of embarrassing memories.
I *did* talk to a social worker at the clinic about Trailer Emma and my concerns about her kids. Not sure what happened after that, but she said she'd look into it...
My life is a little less self destructive these days. I moved to a better town, got a better job, and settled down with a girl. But I will never forget my misadventure with that woman. The memory of revving the engine and not moving is particularly haunting. I may have actually been traumatized a little...
TLDR Drove 40 miles on shitty roads to bang a strange woman, got bad lost but regret and almost got stuck in the driveway, caught an STD and had to miss a lot of work, then I almost missed rent.
All because I couldn't just rub one out.
Edit 2: important clarifications-- yes, not using a condom was incredibly dumb, both for me and for my partner. No, she did not get pregnant with my child. It's pretty easy to check up on people in low population areas. Trailer Emma is fine. | I like to think that inside each of us, there’s a little bit of a burnout fry cook looking for their trailer park Emma Watson |
About four months ago, I started doing daily Kegel routines to improve and intensify my orgasms.
They work.
Today, doing sit-ups on a bench at the gym, I began to feel strange. As I pushed upward on each rep, my body felt and tenser and tenser, like...frustrated and elated, and I was vividly aware of the inseam of my shorts between my legs.
Right before the...peak, I finally realized what was happening. Stifling a moan, I threw myself forward, trying to avoid lying arched and spread-eagled on my back. I ended up crashing to the floor, clutching myself.
Once I could think again, I realized people were running toward me and yelling about seizures and heart attacks and 911.
I curled into the fetal position. I was raised to be deeply, deeply ashamed of every aspect of my sexuality, and though I've recovered enough now to be adventurous IN the bedroom, I'm still a ball of shame in public.
Hearing sirens (my gym is four blocks from the fire station), I wished for death. Finally, when the paramedics were about to grab me, knowing a I couldn't afford the monetary devastation of an ER visit, I sat up and yelled, "IT WAS AN ORGASM I'M FINE."
I'm never going to that gym again.
But I am gonna see where these Kegels take me.
TL;DR - Did too many Kegels, had a mega-orgasm at the gym, concerned people thought I was dying.
**Edit:** Holy hot hell. The messages telling me I'm a (A), "greasy neckbeard who's never seen a woman," or (B), "a fucking lying slut who needs to fucking die for spreading fucking cancerous shit" are pouring in.
Taking my secrets to the grave next time I fuck up. | And when I do that they call the police instead |
Obligatory this didn't happen today, but a couple of weeks ago.
So I sometimes drive for ride share companies to make extra cash and keep me off of the couch. I live in a touristy area that booms during summer months and vacation rental homes are common... So common that I sometimes do pick-ups and drop-offs at the same homes for different people week to week and family/friend groups of people renting the homes are the norm.
One particular day I dropped a guy off at a beautiful home near the beach, that I had picked a guy up from just an hour or two prior. So as we arrive I mention this to the rider:
Me - Hey I just picked one of your buddys up from here about an hour ago
Rider- No, must be the wrong house
Me- Nope, he walked right out of that side door. I dropped him off at *names local bar* His girlfriend is still in there though, she stayed behind. (I had seen her kiss him goodbye at the door, but didn't mention this to the rider) You guys having a family/friend vacation?
Rider- This is a family owned home, it's been in my family for years and we don't rent it out. Nobody lives here but me and my wife and I've been in NY for work for the past 4 days.
Awkward silence as we both come to the realization.
He got out and I drove away scolding myself for having such a big mouth.
TLDR- I may have ruined a marriage by trying to make small talk with my big mouth
* Edit- Thanks for all of the support guys! I know I did nothing wrong, I just hate being involved in other people's businesses, especially when it's so negative.
Also - Thanks for the silver and platinum awards! | That guy would eventually find out. You saved him years of his life. |
So this happened (obligatory ) last night and we are just getting over the laughter.
My wife and I are early 60s and because of old age, menopause etc etc our sex life has needed medical intervention and a new treatment was suggested to alleviate my wife’s pain during intercourse.
So ten days ago, jokingly (after a few bottles of wine) we set set an Alexa reminder to announce when the treatment had run it course and we could “officially “ get to it. We set a reminder. “David it’s time to bonk Fiona”. It seemed bonk didn’t trigger Alexa’s censorship.
So fast forward ten days. We had totally forgot this and last night in the middle of a dinner party with several friends we get the reminder. “David reminder. It’s time to bonk Fiona” as you can imagine confusion reined and after a pause in the dinner party conversation questions were asked and our friends joined in on the good humour as we are all similar ages. Pro tip. Everyone gets old, things dint work as well as they once did, but please try and keep your sense of humour.
Edit 1: Thanks everyone some of these comments are hilarious. I played Scotty doesn’t know to Fiona (which I had never heard before) and it’s now her favourite song. Unfortunately none of our friends names are Scotty.
Edit 2: A gentleman never tells.
Edit 3: The Aussie use of the word bonk. https://www.abc.net.au/triplej/programs/drive/a-quick-history-of-the-term-bonk/9490694
Edit 4: Apologies for the ugly mug the link dragged in. (Ex Australian Politician)
Edit 5: Seems a few people are in the same boat. My wife was prescribed Vagisan and Colpotrophine.
Edit 6: Updated TLDR for those not happy with the original
TLDR. During a dinner party Alexa announced “David remember to bonk Fiona” We had forgotten that we set up a reminder 10 days earlier (while drinking a few wines) to remind us that enough time had passed since my wife started her new treatment to sort her soreness during intercourse. Everyone laughed once it was explained. | So, I'm assuming you excused yourself immediately - to the applause of your friends - in order to fulfill your appointment to bonk your wife?
EDIT: my comment about OP bonking his wife is now my highest upvoted comment ever. Never change, Reddit. |
Dear lord. On my main account i came across a comment on a post in an ask men sub, it seemed vaguely familiar, so I clicked the user name and looked through the profile. I click on profiles all the time if a comment seems familiar, or interesting...
This is my sons account. It has to be. The comment he posted is about something that happened while I was there. He had a more detailed post about that specific day. He had another previous post about an event in his life I knew about and knew some details about. He had a few other posts which I also read.
I now know what gets him going sexually. Not something I needed to know.
I know what his girlfriend likes sexually. Also, not something I needed to know. Also quite surprising.
I know how embarrassed he felt about an emotional time he had somewhat recently with my wife. I feel kind of heart broken for him about that one.
I know that when he was younger he snooped in mine and my wife’s room.
In reading through the comments he’s made to others, I’ve learned that he is wise beyond his years and an incredibly kind human. I feel very proud about that.
Overall, I wish I never clicked that first comment. I know waaaay more about his sex life than a father should.
TL;DR. Accidentally discovered my son on reddit. Found out about his kinky sex life, some heart break, and that the little fucker has snooped through my room.
**edited to add: yes, I shouldn’t have read all of it. And some posts I stayed away from. And honestly, I didn’t realize it right-right away. The first post I read sounded like him, but there are millions of redditors. It was after another that I really put the pieces together. And yeah, their might be some hypocrisy about being slightly mad about him snooping through my room. But hey, life isn’t always fair. I also have no intention of tell him, or anyone else anything I read.** | Deleting my account now. |
This happened two weeks ago, but I found out today. Throwaway as they use Reddit.
My best friend (m) is married to a photographer, she is actually quite well respected locally and has bad exhibitions... just not quite like this.
They have a young son who I went round to babysit for while they had a well earned break. My best friend being the loving but incompetent idiot he is, bought her an expensive Polaroid camera which is markedly worse than anything his wife owns. They've given it to their son who has shown no interest whatsoever.
So I'm pissing around with him, watching cartoons and spot the camera among his things. My friend and I have a childish sense of humour so I take the camera and take a Polaroid of my junk. It turns out horribly blurry, dark and you cant work out what it is. I leave it on my mates desk on his keyboard and forget about it, hoping when he sees it he will get a laugh when he works out what it is.
Babysitting goes fine, I leave.
I went round to visit today and immediately saw the polaroid, framed, on their kitchen wall. I absolutely crack up and ask why it's there. His wife replies that "It's *childs* first photo, he took it and left it on Daddy's desk for him". She was so proud that her son had used the camera, taken a photo and gave it to his dad that she framed and hung it.
I haven't got the courage to break it to them that it's not their childs first photo taken, it's my dick.. and they framed it.
TL;DR: Took a photo of my junk on a childs Polaroid camera and left it around as a joke for my best friend. They mistakenly believe their child likes photography and framed by dick. | If you want to tell them, first tell them it was you who took the photo and them tell them it's your junk. Don't do it the other way around |
Let me tell you that I have made a bad mistake this evening.
My girlfriend (who let me tell you is only my 2nd girlfriend of all time) said I am "invited to dinner" with her and her parents. I was very aghast, nervous, and bashful to be invited to such a situation. But I knew it must be done.
I met them nicely, I should tell you, and it started off in a good way. The idea slapped my mind that I should do a comic bit, to make a good impression and become known to them as a person who is amusing.
When I saw that baked potatoes were served I got the idea that it would be very good if I pretended I did not know what potatoes was. That would be funny.
Well let me tell you: backfired on my face. I'll tell you how.
So first when the potato became on my plate, I acted very interesting. I showed an expression on my face so as to seem that I was confused, astounded but in a restrained way, curious, and interested. They did notice, and seemed confused, but did not remark. So I asked "This looks very interesting. What is this?"
They stared at me and the mother said "It's a baked potato." And I was saying "Oh, interesting, a baked....what is it again?"
And she was like "A potato."
And I was like "A 'potato', oh interesting. Never heard of a potato, looks pretty good."
And then they didn't see I was clowning, but thought I really did not know what is a potato. So I knew I would be very shamed, humiliated, depressed, and disgusted if I admitted to making a bad joke, so what I did was to act as if it was not a joke but I committed to the act of pretending I didn't know what a potato is.
They asked me, VERY incredulous, did I really not know what a potato is? That I never heard of a potato. I went with it and told them, yes, I did not ever even hear of a potato. Not only had I never eaten a potato I had never heard the word potato.
This went on for a bit and my girlfriend was acting very confused and embarrassed by my "fucked up antics", and then the more insistent I was about not knowing what a potato is was when them parents starting thinking I DID know what a potato was.
Well let me tell you I had to commit 100% at this point. When I would not admit to knowing what a potato was, the father especially began to get annoyed. At one point he said something like "Enough is enough. You're fucking with us. Admit it." And I said "Sir, before today I never heard of a potato. I still don't know what a potato is, other than some kind of food. I don't know what to tell you."
Well let me tell you he got very annoyed. I decided to take a bite of the potato, and when I did I made a high pitched noise and said "Taste's very strange!"
That is when the father started yelling at me, and the mother kept saying "What are you doing?" and my girlfriend went to some other room.
Finally the father said I should "Get the fuck out of his house" and I said it was irrational to treat me like this just because I never heard of a potato before. Well let me tell you he didn't take that kindly.
Now in text messages I have been telling my girlfriend I really don't know what a potato is. The only way I can ever get out of this is for them to buy that I don't know what a potato is.
I wish I never started it but I can't go back. I think she will break up with me anyway. | Invite your girlfriend to meet your parents.
Have your father take her aside and ask if potatos were served at the dinner with her parents. When she says yes, he looks alarmed, mutters something about "wanting to keep them from him" and never mentions the subject again. |
This actually happened two years ago on this day, which will make sense a little further down the road. In 2016 I started using Tinder for the first time after a shitty breakup. I had met a few people but nothing had ever really panned out beyond a few hookups. My profile was filled with some horseshit along the lines of “not the love of your life. perfect date for when you want your family to question your life choices” and was mostly filled with pictures of me hanging out with my dog.
Fast forward to March of 2017 and I matched with someone. After a couple of one-off messages that don’t really go anywhere, we ended up talking one night and stayed up til 5am messaging each other back and forth. A couple nights after that, we decided to meet up and she invites me over to her house for dinner. This all sounds great. Except for two problems.
The first problem is that I have a beard in all of my photos. And even calling it a beard is a bit of a stretch. My facial hair is like if someone shaved a Guinea pig and then superglued it to my face. If I grow it out too long, it looks like a tuft of pubes growing out from a chin. Wiry and sparse. It’s not good. For six years, I’d still kept a reasonably trimmed beard length because it was better than nothing and actually looks full when it's shorter. But for some reason, the week before we started talking, I had decided to shave my face for the first time in years. I just wanted to know what it looked like. The answer? Not. Fucking. Good. At this point, I was 27 but still looked young for my age. Shave the beard off and I look like a twelve year old with a bunch of tattoos and insomnia. Really fucking awkward.
So I pulled up to her house and text before I got out of my car to say, “hey by the way, if it looks like a fifteen year old is knocking on your door, it’s just me.” Luckily, she's not as turned off by my baby face as I expected. All good so far.
I went inside and we end up hanging out all night. She cooked a badass dinner and we decided to watch a movie. She was blown away by the fact that I’d never seen Labyrinth and demanded we watch it. We ended up watching three movies that night. For Labyrinth, I was about five feet away on the couch. For Young Frankenstein, we were sitting next to each other. For the third movie (which I can’t remember for the life of me) we were cuddling. And this is where the second problem comes in.
After my breakup in 2016 and realizing I’d been battling lifelong depression, I started taking antidepressants. One of the SUPER FUN side effects of SSRIs is that it can be really hard to climax. Like, try as you might, nothin. Dust. Moths. Nothin. Thanks, Big Pharma.
And so commenced the next two hours of the worst sex either of us had ever had. Two hours of awkwardly grinding and sweating, stopping to try new positions, and statements like “holy fuck I might have a heart attack. Why are my ears ringing so loudly?" and “What about this position?” “OUCH!” “Oh my god, I need a towel. So. Much. Sweat. I can't see.” We were in the basement on a large three piece couch. You know, one of those ones with seams to connect the pieces. Well at one point I tried to plant my toes in the seam to get some traction and ended up kicking the couch piece away from us and sending us both flying to the floor. A bruised ass. A bent dick. A lot of questioning of whether this was a good idea.
If this had been a movie or a romance novel, a two hour sex binge sounds like a dream come true. Well let me tell you that shit sucks if you haven’t done any cardio in your fucking life. And jesus christ the sweat. So fucking slippery and gross. This wasn't 'golden light streaming through the windows and we're both glistening' sweat. This is bog monsters come to life sweat. This is Ace Ventura crawling out of the rhino sweat. At one point our chests become suction cupped together. I could have run and slid on my belly down a hallway like a naked nightmare slip-n-slide if my heart hadn’t felt like it was going to explode. And the chafing. FUCK. No matter how ready either of y’all are when you start out, after two hours, it’s gonna wear off. We both felt like we’d attacked our bits with sandpaper. My poor unfulfilled dick just went through hell for nothing. Not to mention that she just spent two hours with a baby-faced human who couldn't make her come and who might die of cardiac arrest in her basement. This was no climactic movie sex scene. This was a John Waters film come to life.
Well, after two hours and no cumming, we called it a night. It's obviously not gonna happen for either of us and we figured we might as well quit while we're ahead and no one has died. We went outside for a smoke and at this point it’s about 6am. I’m wearing only a hoodie and briefs and she’s only in a bathrobe. We sit down and the next thing we know, her mom came out for a cig. (She had just moved back home before finding a new place). So not only did we both just have the worst sexual encounter of our lives, but now I get to meet her mom for the first time! GREAT! I'm definitely not half-nude, covered in sweat, and sitting next to her half-nude adult daughter. Somehow she is completely unfazed by this whole encounter and actually starts going on about her most recent Tinder match with a self-proclaimed oil baron. Life is fucking weird.
Well, the reason I am posting this on March 14th is because this is our two year anniversary and we’re engaged to be married on March 14th of 2020. Our sex life is FAR better now and we both look back in humor/horror on that night and wonder why the fuck we decided to keep hanging out afterwards. I mean, now we know, but our past selves must have been really really desperate.
TL;DR I met up with a Tinder match one night, only to have the worst sex of either of our lives, and met my future mother-in-law right afterwards. Now we’re engaged and celebrating our two year anniversary.
EDIT: Just jumping in to say, holy shit y'all, thanks so much for all the congratulations! I am still wholly undecided if I will ever show her this post. It's one thing to tell all our friends about our first hookup, it's another to tell the whole internet. We'll see though. And thank you so much for the gold and silver! Did not expect to be sitting in a classroom, chugging coffee to stay alive, and seeing this thing take off. And for those asking, I've changed my dosage on my SSRI and haven't really had the anti-climax issue in over a year. Talk to your doctor and see about switching things up if your side effects are causing a huge issue! And also, for those wanting to know about the oil baron. He didn't pan out. Within three months, her mom got hit up by several Tinder guys claiming to be part of the "oil business" and we even had to go to the cops about one for a blackmail issue. Tinder can be amazing and terrifying...
EDIT2: I guess now I probably have to show this to my fiancée to which she will reply, "I have no idea what any of that means. Good for you, I guess?" I still love her.
EDIT3: A few of y'all keep asking, "why in TIFU?" Well, let me tell ya, if I had posted this the day after it happened, this would have been the absolute lowest point of my year. Even worse than my breakup the year before. Not cumming, not making her cum, looking like a large baby man with a chafed dick? Yeah, that sucked. Just because we got together afterwards and look back on the day as our starting point does not mean that that night didn't SUCK ASSSSS on the whole. I mean, the dinner and the movies were still bomb though. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk
FINAL EDIT: For real y’all, thank you so much for all the well-wishes and congratulations. I told her about this post when I got home from work today and she cracked the fuck up when I read it to her. We spent the night repeating history (minus the horrible sex) by watching Labyrinth in the driveway with a make-shift Drive-thru theater setup | The ending I wasn't expecting but I needed to hear!
Hello fellow heavy sweater!
**Thanks for the silver fellow sweaty stranger!** |
Obligatory on mobile warning.
I work at a popular coffee shop in canada, and have been for the last two years. Most customers who come here a lot dont have to order, because we already know it. One guy who comes in orders something distinct, and was very nice to me when I first started.
His order was the first I memorized. For example, he orders a large and a medium coffee, but sometimes would just get the large. He came in today for the first time since I started working again from quarantine. I told his order to the girl working the counter with me listing the large and medium coffees, but he ended up just getting the large. Afterwards, my manager told me he wasnt getting the medium anymore because it was his wife's order AND SHE HAD PASSED AWAY.
TLDR; I put in the coffee order for a regular that included his deceased wife's regular drink. | Honestly it may have made him a little sad but at the same time it’s nice that someone remembered his wife even in a small way. |
I bought a whiteboard when I moved into my new and current house. This was supposed to be the ultimate pièce de résistance to my awesome new home office. It took a few months to ship, and when it finally did, I was pretty unhappy with it. First of all, there was this big crack behind it, bending the metal in an unsatisfying way, but it wasn't that noticeable so I didn't bother sending it back. The worst, though, was that it was near impossible to write on it without leaving ghost marks. And you can forget about letting some writing on it more than 24 hours.
As a result, I wound up not using it for most of the last year. Basically, his only purpose was as a magnet holder, when it should have been used for so many different projets.
Today, as I finally had some free time, I looked into the process of cleaning my whiteboard, and making it more usable. As I applied some store bought cleaner, I found this small tear in some kind of plastic coating. I freaked out, ripped it all out and came to the horrifying conclusion that I spent 1 1/2 years writing on plastic.
​
I now have a brand new, unused board that has been sitting in my office.
​
tl;dr: bought a whiteboard, forgot to take the plastic layer off and took way too long to figure it out
[EDIT](https://imgur.com/a/zID4BuO) | My mom complained and complained about the buttons on her oven and the display looking so crappy. I looked closely and found she had left the protective plastic on for over a year. |
This happened Sunday night.
My oldest son is in the Marines, hasnt been home in almost a year. He took 10 days leave so he could come visit. At first, we did not tell his mother in case the leave got denied. When it was approved he just decided he would fly in and surprise her. I tell the wife i am going over to a friends to watch the packers/falcons game, as a cover to pick him up.
I get to the airport, and actually watched the second quarter of the game waiting for his plane. He gets off the plane we talk for a bit waiting for the luggage and then he goes to change into his Dress blues. Now the whole time ive been texting my wife saying i was bored, the game sucked, i wasnt gonna stay much longer.
We discuss the plan on how to surprise his mother on the drive back to the house. We go back and forth from having her open the front door to see him on the porch to just having him walk into the house. We settle on him waiting a few minutes after i go inside, as i wanted to get the whole thing on video.... Free internet points and all that......
I walk in and the house is quiet. No one in the living room. A little odd but it is after 9pm maybe by some miracle my other kids are actually already in bed? Alarm bells start going off in my head when i open our bedroom door and the first thing i notice is the flickering candlelight......
What i did not know was the entire time i was gone, My wife set in motion her own plan for the evening. She got the kids settled by letting them keep their tablets after bedtime. Took a nice hot bath, re-did her makeup and when i told her i was on the way home lit the room with candles and put on her "fuck me" lingerie.
So no shit there i was, staring at my wife giving me her best come hither look, with our 21 year old son outside not 30 feet away, waiting to Surprise her. A handful of reactions to this scene are acceptable. Pulling out your cellphone and sending a text message is not one. The text told my son to stay outside. I had solved the most immediate problem of our son walking in and seeing his mother like that but i was drawing a blank on how to fix everything else.
So my brain latched onto what has to be most stupid plan i have ever had in life. I told my wife to get dressed because she would never believe what the neighbors were doing and she had to come see. The look of confusion on her face was priceless. It took me 5 minutes to convince her to put on some sweatspants and a sweatshirt to go to the front door. Finally after dodging all her questions and getting her to open the door, There was our son in his dress uniform and She was estatic. The noise brought all the kids out and everyone was happy. Except me, the wife excused herself after a few min and took off the lingerie under her sweats before anyone noticed. It goes without saying i did not get any action that night. Also in trying to salvage the whole surprise i forgot to video it for my free internet points. so i guess TIFU will have to suffice instead.
TL;DR Didn't tell Wife that Marine son was coming home, Missed out on Sexy times and the second half of the Packers/Falcons game
edit 1: Goldx2? wow thank you guys. this one post has more upvotes than my 4 year old main account.
Update: Wife is freaking out that i put this on reddit. Have been reading some of the comments to her this morning. She is worried that this story will end up in one of her Marine Moms FB groups and they somehow will magically know it was her lol. Son wants to take his siblings out for ice cream and the new lego movie, cross your fingers people.
| I have to say that I'm glad that's how it turned out for you... when I got to the "flickering candlelight" I thought it was going to go very differently. |
I’m a third-year medical student on my gynecology clerkship “assisting” on a laparoscopic hysterectomy. In this procedure the abdomen is pressurized while the surgeon inserts several instruments to ligate and remove the uterus. If you can imagine, maintaining pressure in the abdomen after you remove the uterus is difficult because, you know, air just freely escapes...from the vagina. As this was my first laparoscopic surgery, I soon found out that my role was to place a rubber stopper in the vagina to prevent air from escaping. Like many of you, I had no idea this role even existed, but I quickly accepted my new job as ‘vagina sealer’. I approached from the bottom of the table and stuck my hands underneath the sterile drapes that covered the legs. I placed the rubber ball in the vagina and stood there trying not to make eye contact with anyone in the room. After several minutes, the pressure in the abdomen continued to decrease. The attending physician, frustrated at this point, walked around next to me, ripped the drape in half to reveal the pelvic area, and said “do you know where the vagina is? Get that stopper out of her ass!”
Thank you for reading. I’ll go die now.
TL;DR couldn’t see under the sterile drapes when placing a rubber stopper in the vagina during surgery and accidentally placed it in the rectum | Hope you used a new stopper. |
I'm in my third year of University taking engineering so this is a little extra embarrassing considering my streak of never being "that person" in the wrong class. To start the semester I ended up missing the first week of school because I was on a last minute trip with my friends. It was completely unplanned and actually a few of my friends who had graduated helped chip to buy my ticket since I technically couldn't afford to go.
Anyway, I came into class a week late and it is scheduled for tuesdays and thursdays at 7-8:15pm. On both those days I have classes all day until 2pm so I usually go home to eat and grab a snooze before the night class. So my first tuesday home I ended up over sleeping and turning up to class five minutes late. So as part of my degree I have to take microeconomics which all I knew about it previously was it's about the economy and money. When I get to class they're talking about supply and demand curves shifting so I just take a spot in the back not thinking twice.
This goes on for 3.5 weeks. I came to class. Took notes. Then did the weekly assignments. On the course syllabus it had a date for the midterm which is Febuary 1st. So the class before the exam, January 30th, I decided to stick around after class and ask some questions. Now I was doing all the assignments and thought the course material was relevant but it was ALL theory based while the class was heavy math based. I understood what was going on but there was obviously some disconnect. I explained my concerns about the midterm to the prof and the conversation went like this:
*Explains above about material*
Prof: "What do you mean theory? All the assignments are filled with math. Are you using launchpad?"
Me: "No the assignments are online. Like the website we bought the textbook from. Whats lauchpad?"
Prof: "Pardon? I don't have a textbook for this course."
Me: "It literally says in the syllabus, look!"
*Shows syllabus*
Prof: "Wait, what class are you supposed to be in?"
Me: "What do you mean...? This is ECON 202 right?"
*Prof starts laughing*
Prof: "Haha this is ECON 301, you have to take 202 before you take my class. This is a new one, I've never experienced this before."
Me: "Well this is awkward. I better go see my actual teacher and explain."
I then just grabbed my stuff real quick and sprinted through campus to go explain the situation to the other guy. I caught him just as he was leaving lecture and explain my predicament. Even showed him my ECON 301 notes to prove I couldn't make this shit up. He just laughed and said the same thing "This is a new one for me." Turns out all the assignments for both classes were due the same day. Same with the midterms. They were relevant because it was obviously a level above what I was supposed to be doing and the only thing I got wrong was the building code. They were both classroom 112, just different buildings. So basically I just spent the last 2 nights forgetting everything from this class all month and learning the real material. Wish me luck tomorrow!
Tldr; I was in the wrong econ class for an entire month until I finally realized. Then had to cram for 2 nights for a midterm. Crazy coicidences all around.
Edit: Well shit, went to sleep and woke up from a friend texting me saying "You made the front page you motherfucker hahahahahaha". The exam is in a couple hours and I will update you on my grade but to clear up some of the comments:
1. Ya, the trip wasn't the smartest but I had fun and went to Tiesto's birthday in Vegas amongst other kool stuff. Life goes on.
2. I was doing the assignments for the actual class with some help from my good buddy google and I had the actual textbook (pirated, no one buys textbooks c'mon). So I do have a grasp of whats going on
.. kinda. He did everything on the board and there were online notes but I figured you did practical application in class and the online notes (actually for my 202 class) were for reference purposes.
3. I highly doubt i'll fail the course or the midterm. It's amazing how much you can learn in 24 hours with enough caffeine and fear in your belly. I've made it through almost 3 years of engineering so I'm sure it will turn out fine. It'll be a funny story at grad when I get my ring.
Thanks for all the support too. :) Making the front page of reddit just adds to how sweet 2018's been (no sarcasm) and this is just a minor set back.
Edit 2: Just got back from the exam.. I didn't crush it but there is no way I didn't pass. It was twenty multiple choice and 2 five mark short answer questions. The prof also stopped me leaving the exam and said "I usually don't tell students this until before the 2nd midterm but if you score better on the final and second midterm I will take the average to make up that first exam." So all in all I survived and live to fight another day.
Just wanted to say thanks for all the kind words and hilarious stories. I will start going through my inbox and try to reply to some people. In the words of one of my good friends giving me advice in first year eng:
"Literally everyone in eng at multiple, multiple points feel like their gonna fail and life's over. But somehow they keep going and that is the circle of eng life." - CZ
p.s: for textbook help... IG: @redditecon202
| Update us on that exam score OP. |
I drink a lot of coffee. My mornings consist of two 300ml mugs of coffee, and I sometimes have a third after dinner later in the day.
Recently, I got far too into James Hoffmann's videos and decided to upgrade my shitty drip coffee machine for a proper precision brewer. And when I say precision, I mean that this thing comes with a water testing strip so you can calibrate the machine for the mineral content in your water supply. Serious nerd shit.
To justify the ludicrous amount of money I spent on what appears to be the Hadron Collider of coffee machines, I did some research on brewing ratios in order to maximise the allegedly life-changing potential of this equipment. Now, coffee science says the ideal water-to-beans ratio for this brew method is about 60g of grounds per litre of water. Out of interest, I decided to prepare my usual ratio from the old machine and see how close I was. It turns out, since I got the old machine just over a year ago, I've been brewing at about 20g/litre, resulting in what I now realise is pathetically weak brew.
I prepared a proper 60g/L brew with the new machine, and the resulting coffee was on another planet. The flavours were so developed it was like I could taste the touch of the Colombian farmer who picked the beans. I drank my full morning dose of two 300ml mugs in just over an hour.
And then, I discovered an unexpected side effect.
The year of drinking weak-ass brew has conditioned my body for weak coffee. And I had just drunk over half a litre of coffee that was theoretically three times as strong as usual.
It has now been an hour since I finished that first pot and I can hear the passage of time. A fly flew past me in slow motion. I made an omelette for lunch and I beat the egg so fast it turned into steam. My heart no longer beats; it vibrates. And there is something unholy brewing in my lower intestine and I am fearing the wrath of God when it is released. Send help.
TL;DR: My new coffee machine gave me the knowledge that I've been conditioning my body to piss-weak brew for a year, and two cups of the real strong stuff made me transcend the space-time continuum.
EDIT:
[Here](https://www.sageappliances.com/uk/en/products/coffee/bdc450.html) is the machine I bought, for those who have asked, although it appears to be sold out at the moment. Did I get the last one?
And [here](https://youtu.be/HfkdkZRv6Mc) is the James Hoffmann review that convinced me to ruin my life in this particular way.
EDIT 2:
To everyone accusing this of being some kind of viral ad, it's true. Sage paid me, and in fact specifically requested I include the details of me plastering the inside of my toilet bowl following the intestinal catastrophe their product gave me. Aggressive shitting is exactly the kind of PR exposure they want for their brand. | Tell us about your ascent to the throne. |
Long time Reddit reader, first time making an account because i am currently stuck in my girlfriends room while she and her family are having dinner downstairs. I haven't eaten since morning nor showered and I need to take a shit.
Back story to this morning, since the lockdown for covid 19 happened, I haven't seen my girlfriend for over month plus. Our government recently relaxed the quarantine so we are allowed to go out but not loiter. Woke up to my girlfriend's call around 11am saying that her parents went out to get something. I thought okay I'll come over, return her a camera I borrowed and maybe we can sit in my car around her neighbourhood and hangout awhile. It was a little rushed as her parents just left her house as I left mine. I'm about 20 min away from her place. She assured me her parents will be out for at least 1 and a half hours as they need to get lunch. I drove as fast as I could and picked her up from the front of the house and we drove to park nearby to hangout. After a couple of minutes, I ask if she brought some water as I asked her about it before I came and she said no. She said why don't you come in and take some water since her parents will still be far away. I said yes (obviously) and went in, drank water and we sat on the couch for awhile to cuddle.
I was a little paranoid but I haven't seen her in a long time so i needed it. About 10 min, we hear a car outside her house and that's how tifu, it was her parents. They were only out for 40 min. FML we panicked. Luckily I parked away from her house and took my slippers in. I contemplated just owning up and lying that I needed to use the toilet but her mom is really difficult. She would assume my girlfriend was lying and get her trouble and I haven't even met her parents officially as her boyfriend yet. If you are from an Asian family or have heard of asian parents being strict about relationships, it's true.
We both ran up to her room and I hid behind her door. Mind you, her room is really small. Its about the siZe of two single beds. Can't hide under the bed as she has to keep her door open and you can see straight under her bed from the stairs. The only place possible is behind her door. I stood there frozen af as she went down to greet her parents. I could here them coming in as I hugged the wall as tightly as I could.
She came back up freaking out but I said it's okay. Let's just try formulate a plan. She said okay and she went down to eat with them first. Which I had then had to stay as silent a possible with no fan or air-conditioning so I sweated my ass off.
1 pm ish. She comes back up and we try to listen whether her parents are coming up or not. They usually sit downstairs after lunch and nap, which they did. Gave me a little bit of relief as I could sit down in the floor. The space in between the door and her table is super tiny which is uncomfortable but I'm not complaining.
2pm. Her dad comes up to shower and her door is right next to the bath area. Fuck I can hear the water rushing. But good news my girlfriend is in the room doing her work so she can look out. Its weird as I'm just standing up behind the door and looking at her look back at me. After his shower, her dad leaves to go to his store which leaves her mom downstairs. She gets on a long phone call which gives me a bit of room to relax. My girlfriend and I make out a bit to calm our nerves and I gotta say it did help.
For the next three hours, her mom stays downstairs and we try to formulate a plan but everything involves the timing of her parents which is impossible. Can't jump out the window cause it's grilled and she doesn't have the key...
Around 5.30pm ish, her dad comes home and almost fucking COMES INTO HER ROOM. He asks her to print something and she quickly walks to her door to stop him from coming in. I hear his voice right outside the door. Thankfully he walks away and goes down to watch TV. And I swear to god the universe wants us to suffer because right after that her mom comes upstairs and hangs about the common area. My girls had recorded a zoom meeting so she tells her mom she has a meeting and plays it and closing the door giving my legs much needed rest and I sit.
7pm, her mom calls her from downstairs that it's time to eat. And that's where we are at now. Its currently 9pm at this sentence and I can hear her family talking to each other. She has to turn off the lights and fan and air-conditioning so I'm freaking drenched in my sweat in the dark. I'm sitting down but I've got pins and needles in my feet now. I would stand up but because the area is so tight, I don't want to risk any noise. Oh remember how I haven't eaten and need to shit? That's attacking now. My stomach is growling and I'm making fart noises. I'm so scared to be caught cause my parents are gonna slaughter me too. My girlfriend and I will discuss our plans for me to escape when she comes up...
UPDATE 1: they are done with dinner. My girlfriend brought me some water and biscuits but I don't have the appetite to eat. Don't want to drink too much as I would risk needing to go to the toilet. She went back to do the dishes
UPDATE 2: its 9pm and my girlfriend is in her room. She told her family she is playing animal crossing with her friends so hopefully her parents don't barge it. We're gonna formulate a plan for me to escape now. I can finally stretch my legs
UPDATE 3: WE HAVE A PLAN. 9.30pm
We're going to wait for their parents to head up to their room. She's going to check if their door is closed and where they are looking at it. She'll bring me downstairs and I'll hide in the storeroom. She'll then go and tell her parents she's taking photos of the night and no worry if the door alarm rings (cause they have an alarm system in place). She'll unlock the main door, the outside small gate and leave it open for abit (gated and guarded area so it's pretty safe). She'll go check on her parents as they like to look at what she is doing from their room. Once she's confirmed they are not looking, she'll get me from the storeroom, I'll go all the way out and hide behind a pillar in front of her house. She'll lock everything and go back up and check her parents are not looking out and I'll walk to my car (so I don't startle her dog). Sounds pretty legit as she knows her parents schedule the best
UPDATE 4: 9:41 pm. Showed my girlfriend this post and we're reading the comments. Really means a lot to us that everyone is supportive. Makes the nerves less frightening. We're hugging it out and playing Animal Crossing till her parents go to sleep at around 11
UPDATE 5: I'm still here and it's around 10.30. my time zone is GMT +8 for those who are still invested. We're just preparing for when her parents go to bed so we're trying to calm our nerves
UPDATE 6: it's 11 but her parents are not sleeping. For some strange reason her mom decided to bake at like 10.30. starting to think they suspect something
UPDATE 7:SHIT YES! my gf just went to down and her mom is done baking and says she is going to sleep soon. Which just leaves her dad still watching TV. I'm almost out I can feel the wind already. Just can't get too trigger happy and jump the gun.
UPDATE 8: FFFK. her mom just walked past her room. Heading into her own room. Her dad also getting ready to sleep. Shit is about to happen guys. Phase one of our plan is about to commence!
UPDATE 9: damn, her mom went to bed but her dad is still watching TV. It's like 11:30pm and he is still watching? At least her mom is in her room so that is good.
UPDATE 10: OKAY plan is in action. Her dad is now in their room and she is moving my stuff downstairs to the storeroom. I'll update once I'm inside
UDPATE 11: took my last sip of water and went down to the storeroom. Phase 1 complete. Her dad is showering, her parents door is closed. Now for the front door and gat
upda12: gf opening the door and the gate. I have to wait for her
13: slight change, I went out the door together with her. Her dog isn't barking so that's good. She has to open the gate
14. Out the gate. Bending down. Waiting for her text me
15. She's taking some photos to sell the story. Better not rush it. Her dog is getting very close to me and sniffing me thought the gate. Oh god please don't bark
FINAL UPDATE:
FUCKING HELL GUYS. I made it. I just started the engine and my heart is pounding. I'm safe and sound. TIME TO GO HOME. Got out 11:53
POST CLARIFICATION:
Its 12.15am, I'm home sipping a hot cup of Milo and laughing with my girlfriend about the entire day. We just wanna thank everyone that supported us and this shitty situation we put ourselves in. The nerves were real and seeing how everyone wanted the best for us really helped us push through this emotionally. Wanted to clarify a few things for quite a number of questions:
1. A lot of people were saying this story is a fake a similar to other "stuck in ___ room with family in house". Unfortunately, Asian people go through similar things and this is no exception. The strict family and rebellious child senario. Same coin, different sides.
2. A few people mentioned how this is similar to another post a year a go and truth is, I was inspired by that post to share this story. It was a very emotionally troubling time for both of us and after reading the mentioned post and seeing how supportive everyone was and how it made the OP feel much better, I thought it would a good idea for my girlfriend and I to do the same. And it did! It honestly helped us feel like we could make this work. I'm really sorry I can't prove it happened but this was real to the both of us and that's more important.
3. We own up to this mistake and that's why it's on tifu. We fucked up big time and have only ourselves to blame. But we survived it learnt never to repeat it again.
ADD:
4. Situation happened in Malaysia. Its a very hot and humid country so it's very common for people to shower more than once or twice a day and sometimes before we sleep.
5. We're Chinese.
6. This is the most amusing part and I'm glad everyone was worried about it: yes. I did take a shit after I ate. It was brutal. Constipation due to the lack of water. Not only were my legs shaking, my asshole hurt too. Not fun.
7. 4pm (next day) Oh god, this is still going on in the comments but I wanted to add something after my gf went through the comments. To those who opened up about similar stories about hiding or having strict parents (i.e. no friends over or always under watch), it really meant a lot to her that there are other people who go through the same thing as her and I would like to thank you for sharing! She always felt like the odd one out of her friends. Not being able to go out, tight rules etc and it's good to know she isn't the only one. Some people don't understand this and that's fine. Everyone grows up in different scenarios. Its not that she doesn't love her parents less, it just sucks to be in her situation. I wish I could give her more credit for what happened last night. She risked so much just for us to see each other.
Thank you again for investing your time in this. Didn't expect it to blow up like this but you guys helped us a lot. Time to sleep now. Good night everyone!!!
TL ; DR : came over to my girlfriends house to see her and her parents suddenly came home and now I am hiding in her room as her family is eating downstairs | Asian Invasion: Boyfriend Edition. |
My sisters battery was dead and so she asked if she could login to Reddit on my phone to check if she had a reply from a ForHire post.
She took my phone, logged in and sent a few messages and then logged out and gave me my phone back.
The TIFU started around 20 minutes later when I started receiving notifications from Reddit for posts that I can't remember visiting, they were also NSFW so I went to the bathroom for some privacy to see what the posts were about and to turn the notifications off.
The notifications were messages and comment replies from a NSFW amateur subreddit, curiosity got the better of me and upon clicking onto the post, there was my younger sister naked!
I immediately closed it and decided to logout of her account but realised her account wasn't logged in, it's some sort of bug with the Reddit app that causes me to receive notifications for an account that has recently been logged in on my phone.
The notifications are still coming through thick and fast and I've since realised my sister is quite a popular amateur pornstar on Reddit and I wish that I never found this out.
TLDR: Let my younger sister use my phone to check her Reddit inbox, found out that her side hustle is that she's a popular amateur pornstar on Reddit and I'm getting notifications for comments on my sisters vagina. | Hi I'm a reddit app developer, if you reply back with a link to your sister's account I'll look into this for you. |
I. I am just in awe. Last year, my brother developed an obsession with getting really meaty calves. I work out a lot so he asked me how he can build his calves. I told him to do calf raises because that’s what I do to keep my ankles in shape for pointe and my calves look great. “how do you do those?” he asks. I told him “you go up on your toes repeatedly.” ok. I assumed he understood what I meant and he didn’t ask me to demonstrate, so I didn’t. anyway. this dude, for a WHOLE YEAR, was doing them the wrong way. And I had no idea what he was doing because he always did it alone in his room. TURNS OUT, he thought I meant to literally go on the [TIPS of your toes.](https://imgur.com/a/e1yQRTz) and he did like 100 every day. he recently showed me that now he can go on the very tips of his toes and run and jump around like some creepy little fucked up forest cryptid. barefoot. no outside support. the dude’s skeleton is now configured like a fucking racehorse but 100x more creepy and unsettling because human feet are not supposed to do this. he does it all the time. his toes are jacked as fuck. it’s terrifying. he’s terrifying. what have I done. I feel like I’ve unleashed something horrible and I can’t put it back.
EDIT: [video](https://www.reddit.com/user/Daddy_Shrek_Money420/comments/ocli7v/hey_all_its_the_dude_with_the_abnormally_strong/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) and [photo](https://imgur.com/a/n6uYSKc) proof.
**TLDR: told my brother to do calf raises. he did them wrong and now he can run on the tips of his toes. It’s terrifying.** | Take him to the ballet and blow his mind. |
so today I had one of the most uncomfortable moments of my adult life, I’m still dealing with the repercussions of it all but fuck me if it doesn’t make one hell of a story for you all
okay so for a bit of back story I’m 27 and I live with my girlfriend, we’ve been together for 2 years now and through out that time I’ve seen her parents roughly 3 or 4 times, a couple years before we met they both retired and now they live in a different country on top of that they’re usually travelling so it’s a little harder to spend time with them. Now an important part of this story is my girlfriend and I for about a year now have been making amateur porn, before we met she was a cam model and after about a year of our relationship we decided we were both comfortable making video content together, we make a fair amount of money and both enjoy it a lot. We’ve also managed to keep our sex work careers hidden from our families... up until this morning that is....
So on top of making porn I’m also an aspiring film editor and I am an editor for a couple different youtubers (gotta start somewhere) but I also edit our content and the night before my girlfriends parents came to stay with us I’d been editing a new video, usually after editing I go through and watch the edit to make sure there were no little mistakes left in.
now fast forward to today my girlfriends parents are coming to stay with us for the week, around midday they arrived and everything was going great which was relieving because I’d always got the vibe they didn’t like me very much. We were all sat in our living room watching a film when my girlfriends dad asked if he could use my laptop to access his emails because his phone was having issues, I immediately said sure and led him into the office, now I could have just brought him the laptop but my laptop is hooked up to some quite expensive studio monitors and her dad is very much into audio and I kinda wanted to show them off to him and talk about music with him. So I lead him into the office and almost instantly he notices the monitors and starts talking about how much he loves them and we got distracted talking about them until a couple minutes passed and he brought up his emails again, he sat down in front of my desk as I opened my laptop and entered the password only for one of mine and his daughters videos to start playing on the screen in front of him and not just any video it was a video of his beautiful first born daughter, his pride and joy, the apple of his eye riding a floor mounted dildo whilst I ejaculated on her face, if that’s not bad enough the monitors had been left on and the audio of us both moaning was loud enough for her mother to hear in the living room.
I panicked and shut the laptop but the audio still continued to play for at least 5 seconds after closing it, her dad then proceeded to pretend to get a call and made his way outside shortly after her mom went outside and they began to have an argument, about an hour later her mom came in and said that her dad was feeling unwell so they booked a hotel in case it was contagious because she didn’t want her dad getting us sick also.
Her dad has not spoken to either of us since leaving and my girlfriend and I are both unbelievably embarrassed and nervous about having dinner with then in 2 days but I hope you guys get some enjoyment out of this and I’ll keep you updated if anything else happens
TL;DR I unintentionally showed my girlfriends dad a video of me cumming on her face and now he won’t talk to us | You have probably ruined his passion for good audio |
*Throwaway because I no longer have a Reddit account.*
Masturbated in the shower this morning. Vigorous stroking triggered an asthma attack. Asthma attack prompted me to exit the shower. Exiting the shower ended with me slipping and falling on my face. Called my roommate for help. Roommate found me naked on the floor, struggling to breathe. Cue roommate retrieving my inhaler. Inhaler failed to do the job after multiple attempts. Condition worsened.
Ambulance was called. Roommate awkwardly helped me into my clothes. Paramedics showed up and put me on a nebuliser. Nebuliser helped me breathe, but little did I know the worst was yet to come. Paramedics said I had a fever and transported me to hospital. Hospital flagged me as a potential Covid case. Got placed in quarantine by nurses dressed up for Chernobyl. Got treated for my fever and tested for the virus. Speaking of the test, never again do I want those long ass swabs shoved down my throat again - it was so damn deep it practically touched my brain. Doctor conducted a thorough checkup. I winced when said doctor pressed on my stomach. Doctor narrowed her eyes and asked what the colour of my poop was. I said "kinda dark but, you know, not outer space dark". Doctor said "hm" before proceeding to spread my ass cheeks and jam her lubricated finger into my anus. For the record, that finger was thick as fuck and it happened to be the first time ever something penetrated me down there.
Got discharged with a laundry list of prescribed medications and advised to self isolate until I recieve my test results. As of today, the thought of fapping has become nothing more than a source of nightmare fuel, and the feeling of being finger fucked in the b-hole is yet to disappear.
**TL:DR Fapping triggered my body to self destruct. Now I might be positive for the virus while having a phantom finger stirring the inside of my asshole, as well as World War 2 level flashbacks every time I wanna bust a nut.** | That roommate will forever have a story that can one-up everyone else’s. What a lad. |
[THE UPDATE!!](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/c682li/tifu_update_deepthroating_myself_in_front_of_my/)
​
Ohhhhh where do I begin. This happened this weekend.
Let's lay out some plot points first..
\-I'm 37 years old and recently dating a girl for a couple of months. She is 26.
\-I work as a film editor, and often have new assistant editors for different projects. I've recently started on a new project and have a new assistant who is a 27 year old woman.
\-I've always worked out, done yoga, I'm fit and slim, and have an above average sized dick. This combination has given me the unique talent of being able to suck my own dick. I've been doing this for many many years, all of my partners have always found this amusing and arousing. I know there are dangers, yada yada yada, but trust me, I've done it a lot and I know what I'm doing, lol.
​
OKAY. So, the girl I am dating is very fond of this talent, and told her group of friends about it. One of whom is getting married soon. She was doing her bachelor party, and instead of hiring the beefcake stripper, her friends wanted to see me suck my own cock. I was a little put off by the idea at first, doing this for a group of strangers, but the idea was kind of hot, and it's all in good fun, so fuck it, right? I agree to the plan. I was a little nervous about meeting them first, making too much eye contact, etc, so we came up with the best plan to make this happen.
​
There are a few methods to doing this, the easiest and um, "deepest" of which is to put my legs over my head. This way, I would be looking up, and wouldn't really have to look at any of the girls. But the could see full view of my cock going into mouth. (I can draw a diagram if needed.)
​
So the day comes, I have a couple of shots of tequila to loosen up. By the time I arrive the girls are already pretty tipsy and rowdy, chanting things like "suck your dick!" from the other room. I prepare myself with the girl I'm dating, and she invites her friends in. They are hooting and hollaring as I'm laying on the ground with a very erect cock. The whole thing is actually pretty hot, and even though my heart is racing like mad, I'm really into this idea now.
​
I throw my legs over my head as I've done many time, and start to play along with the "show"... I circle my tongue around the tip, teasing myself. I put myself further and the head goes in my mouth and I hear the ghasps and woo's and girl noises coming from behind me. I'm trying to look back to see them, but I'm a bit focused on the cock in my mouth and really can't see past my head. I start getting more and more into it, and the girl I'm dating comes over and helps me push it deeper into my mouth by pushing my ass and legs down, as we've done before in our own private world. At this point I'm really into and sucking my cock like a champ. The girls really seem to be enjoying it.
​
After a some minutes go by (not sure how long), they start chanting "Cum in your mouth! Cum in your mouth!"... Now to be clear, I normally don't do this. I have before, lol, but it's not my thing. But I'm the entertainment, and I aim to please, so in my mind I'm thinking lets do this. I start sucking harder, tongue playing with the tip. The girl I'm dating is still pushing me a bit, her hand on my ass. The whole thing is so hot and I feel like I'm about to cum, and.....explode. It was a lot. I'm shaking and convulsing sucking my tip, they are clapping and cheering. The girl I'm dating let's go of my legs and I fall down, sweating, with a mouthful of cum. Her friends start to yell -- "kiss him!" "cum swap!" - I'm actually not sure what they were yelling but it was along those lines. So I stand up, in a daze, and kiss her, she takes the cum from my mouth, and I look finally at the girls all in joy, except one unbelievably shocked and mortified face - you know where this is going of course. My assistant.
​
She leaves the room, I race to the bathroom. The girl I'm dating comes in to ask me what is wrong and I tell her. She loses it laughing - "SO AND SO is your assistant?! AHAHAHAH". I'm not laughing. Assistant isn't laughing and actually leaves the party.
​
It's actually a bit of a scene, the girl I'm dating tells her friends, there is laughter, discussion, they are calling Assistant and she is not answering. The girl I'm dating assures me they are all like this, this is no big deal.
​
I've been working from home all week. I've talked to my assistant via Slack and we've said nothing. She is in the office. I can't work from home tomorrow. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO. The girl I'm dating said that Assistant is mortified, and doesn't know what to do either. I really don't know what the fuck to do.
​
tl:dr - I sucked my own dick at a bachelorette party, at which my new assistant was in attendance. We haven't spoken about it since.
​
EDIT: [The diagram](https://imgur.com/a/rR31eBi)! I'm a terrible artist, forgive me. I'm not a turkey, I promise.
EDIT 2: To clarify, I don't think she was mortified at what she was watching. I think she was mortified when she realized it was me. The diagram above is meant to show that they couldn't really see my face until I stood up. At least this is the logic I am convincing myself of.
EDIT 3: I'm being very specific that she is not my girlfriend and "a girl I am dating" because honestly I wouldn't do something like this with my girlfriends friends. I don't think either of us see a future in this relationship, we're just having fun.
EDIT 4: Yes, they were staring at my butthole. I'm well groomed, no one seemed to mind. To be honest if,
EDIT 5:
Since everyone is asking, I'll offer my thoughts. No, I'm not gay or bi, and have never sucked someone elses dick before. Pretty sure being gay or bi involves being attracted to and/or having sexual experiences with people of the same sex. It's my own dick, so I think that conversation is pretty straight forward. By your logic, all of you have given thousands and thousands of handjobs and ew, you've touched a dick like 10 times today at least.
As for the "I've heard it feels more like sucking a dick than getting your dick sucked" - I bring it back to the above statement. A handjob obviously doesn't feel the same as jerking off. Kissing your own hand feels different than someone else kissing your hand, etc. etc. I think maybe the first time its unfamiliar to have your own dick in your mouth, or for those of you "with a friend who told you" .. they probably only tried it once or twice. But it's become a familiar feeling for me, and it feels wonderful. Better than jerking off that's for sure.
And yes, I have and do occassionally do this instead of masturbating.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk. | TIFU by reading this TIFU. |
TL;DR: Tried to ask a lady at the store if the pretty plastic plants she was holding were real by pointing and saying “are those real?” which she interpreted as me pointing at her chest and asking if her quite large, two softballs nailed to a wall boobs were real. Fade me | *excuse me?*
"They're beautiful. I was thinking of getting some for my wife. Maybe my daughter too. I'm just not a fan of the plastic ones, y'know?"
What could have been. |
So this morning I woke up after a night of drinking together and say good morning to her and her response was “do you remember what happened last night?” And I’m like “oh yeah that was such a fun night!” And she’s like “well I’m sure you don’t remember peeing on me then” and I am just so taken aback by this. I thought maybe I had pissed the bed or something for but no, it was worse. Apparently, and I have no recollection of this at all, she got up to go use the bathroom and like a minute later I stumble in there and she’s sitting on the toilet and I just pee like she wasn’t even there. Obviously this is a surprise to her, I mean who expects that!? But she said that she just took care of me and got me back to bed. luckily she’s really great and we can just laugh about it! What a way to wake up though
TLDR i got drunk and whizzed on my girlfriend while she was on the toilet and don’t even remember it
Edit: 21years old. | "Please accept these lovely flowers,
Sorry for the Golden Shower
PS: Marry me" |
Currently sitting on the toilet playing chess because I don’t want to show my face until it loses three shades of red...
Was going through some project details with one of the engineers before she left to go to a job site.
We wrap up, she gets up to leave, and I attempt to say “go spread your wings”.
But right as the word “go” comes out of my mouth, my brain decides now would be a terrific time to switch things up and say “go stretch your legs”...
And before I knew it I was having an out-of-body experience watching myself tell her to “go spread your legs”. I will never forget the look on her face.
I immediately told her what the hell my brain just did for that combination of words to come out of my mouth as she is on her way to a worksite full of men. And thankfully she believed me (seemingly) and laughed it off. Doesn’t make it any less embarrassing unfortunately.
TL;DR - Told a woman I work with to spread her legs by combining two innocent phrases. | Oh man, better polish up that resume. |
Hello! So as a kid (and I promise this setup matters), I was raised in an Islamic household. Thing with being Islamic in America is there aren't any good Muslim schools to send your child so they could learn both Faith and have a decent education. So my parents decided to send me to a Catholic school since it was closest to the values they wanted me to live by. At home, my grandmother would tell me stories from the Quoran. I loved those stories, but sometimes, my grandmother would stop her storytelling voice and use her fact voice. Like she was telling me something that happened at the store. She was using her fact voice when she was telling me about the story of how a father had to sacrifice his son to God but when he tried to bring down the knife, it wouldn't hurt his son because God had willed that his dedication meant he no longer needed to sacrifice his son. So I asked my grandmother if I could become invincible to knives if I believed in God enough and she told me "No don't take the story literally. Take the meaning of the story." Aka do not stab yourself. So I was like oooooh all of these stories are *metaphorical.* The Bible at my school and the Quoran at home are both collections of stories filled with wisdom meant to be interpreted as the situation sees fit. Like a superhero story where Jesus and Muhammad are the main characters. They're meant to help the story deliver me a meaning like Ash from Pokemon. I think you see where this is going, I thought they were stories. *They're not real*. And I grew up thinking that. That these religions were a way of life, not to be taken literally.
Cut to driving with a friend from school through California to Palm Springs to see her grandmother. We were talking about how hot it was and I joked about how we needed a flood to cool us down. Where's God's wrath when you need, right? She laughed and started to draw the conversation to her admiration of Jesus. We started talking about miracles and hungry people and I said "Man, I wish we could do those kind of miracles for real. The world could use a few." and she replied something along the lines of "Well who knows? Jesus could be back soon" and I chuckled. Did that thing where you blow air out of your nose and smile. I thought it was a joke. Like ha, ha Superman is gonna come fly us to her grandma's house. And she looked at me and asked me why I laughed. I told her I thought she was being sarcastic. She corrected me that she was not. Then I asked her "wait are you saying like.. Jesus could actually, really show up on Earth"? She got upset and said yes. Then the rest of the car ride was quiet. So instead of thinking "Jesus is real". I thought "wow my friend must be really gullible".
Then once I got home, I told my grandmother about it. I thought it be a funny story. Like telling someone that your friend thinks elves are real. But she looked at me and went "OP, Muhammad is real. And so was Jesus. What are you talking about?" For the next 10 mins we kept talking and I started to realize that oh my god, my grandmother thinks the stories are real. Does everyone think that the stories about water turning into wine, and walking on water, and touching sick people to heal them was *REAL???*
Lastly, I pulled my pastor aside at school. And I asked him straight up "Is Jesus real?" and of course he was confused and said yes and asked me if I thought Jesus wasn't real. I told him what I had thought my whole life and he goes "Yeah, everything in the Bible actually happened". So I asked him why none of those miracles have happened now or at all recorded in history and he goes "I don't know, but the Lord does and we trust him".
So now my friend doesn't talk to me, school is weird now because all of these ridiculous, crazy stories about talking snakes, angels visiting people, and being BROUGHT. BACK. FROM. THE. DEAD. are all supposed to be taken literally. And asking questions about it isn't ok either, apparently. So yep. That's eye opening.
TLDR: I thought the Bible and Quoran were metaphorical books and that everything in them wasn't real but rather just anecdotal wisdom. Then I learned people actually thought things in the Bible and Quoran were real. Now everything is tense between me and my friends and family.
Edit: So many comments! Wanted to say thank you for every respectful, well thought out theological opinion or suggestion. I can't say thank you enough to everyone in the comments and all your different experiences with religion and spirituality are inspiration and ideas I will consider for a while. Even if I can't reply to you in time, thank you. Genuinely, thank you. | Honestly, I’m of the opinion that if everyone took the Bible (and any other holy text) as metaphorical rather than literal we’d all be better off for it. |
My dad grew up with his family slamming him for not being his father's biological son. The rumor was that grandma had an affair with a man named "Tillery" when she got pregnant with my father. My grandparents always denied it, but the rumors have always hung around my dad. Grandpa was a Native American man grandma was white, and dad was their only biological child (his siblings were adopted). My dad was blonde as a kid but got darker as he's aged, and he looks like grandpa, so because we all believed 100% that he was biologically grandpa's son, we decided to finally set his fears aside and prove it with a DNA kit for his 61st birthday. The kit came back today after nervously waiting several weeks, and there's a lot of matched relatives, with the name "Tillery". No native American DNA results at all, no one with his fathers family's name. He's crushed and I feel awful. This has to be the worst thing I've ever done to my dad.
Tldr: I bought my dad a DNA kit to prove he wasn't the result of an affair, and instead proved he was.
Update: We talked about the whole thing, and he's okay with the results. He was disappointed and needed to come to grips with it. He appriciates his dad even more now, and thinks he must have known all along. He is glad to have the information for health reasons, and to be able to look into some history in a way he couldn't before. | Tell him that he might not have been his biological son, but atleast he had a dad who cared about him and loved him. The rest doesn't matter, and that he grew up to become a great man and father.
Edit: Thanks for the gold and wholesome awards guys. |
Yesterday I got onto a subway train around rush hour so it was quite packed. I squeeze in with my brother and find a spot to stand. I notice a little dude (about 6 or 7) in the seat next to where I'm standing squish up against his mother to make room for me. He looks up and smiles, his eyes inviting me to sit down next to him. As a larger human, 6'3" almost 200 lbs, the tiny half a seat that he had opened up wouldn't quite fit me.
Though I couldn't let his kindness go unnoticed so I decided to half-cheek it, to be sure he understood what he did was really nice. As I sat down I thanked him for making room and told him I really appreciated the gesture. We high-fived and in hindsight I should have ended it there.
I noticed he had his backpack with him so I asked how school was that day. He told me it was just alright. Then I asked the fatal question, "Do you have a lot of homework over the weekend?" He let me, the stranger, know he had a big math packet that he had to get done. Unfortunately for him, his mother was listening to our conversation.
Her eyes lit up when he told me about the packet. She yelled "Oooo boy!! You told me you finished that yesterday! Guess who doesn't get to play his video games this weekend?! You, ya little liar!!!" His head sunk into his chest, as did mine right along with him.
A few stops later his mom dragged him off the train by his little jacket. He looked back at me as they departed, a look that said "bro, I thought we were cool, how could you do me like that???" His look of betrayal is gonna haunt me for days.
Hang in there little buddy! One weekend may seem like an eternity at your age, but time flies!
​
TL;DR- Sat down next to a little dude on the subway because he went out of his way to make room for me. Asked him about homework and now he cant play his video games for the whole weekend. | Hey, he's the one that slipped up. Kid needs to learn to keep his stories straight even when talking to multiple people. |
Edit: I don’t care who you vote for. Don’t be an asshole when the person some stranger voted for is none of your business. I don’t go around asking if random people voted for either, then throw a fit about it. People come from all walks of life, culture, creed, and political association. It’s none of my damn business what some person I’ll probably never meet again does with their vote. I have too much going on in my own life to worry about that, and I’m sure many of you do as well.
Edit #2: Clerks have cameras. Forwarded with time stamps of my call during the time of this happening to ACLU and police. I don’t care if you believe this or not, just be safe and don’t be an asshole to those around you for stupid reasons like this.
I was not even at the Clerk’s office to vote, as I did so by mail awhile back. I went there to renew my auto registration, and bailed as soon as I saw the line descending into the staircase. Upon leaving, this guy pulls up in his giant white truck and asks if I voted for Trump. I say “fuck no, not here for that.” Bad move, i guess. He proceeds to drive next to me, screaming that I must “live in my mommy’s basement”, that he’s going to “get me”, “You’re a f*cking r*t*rd”, etc. while following me to my car and trying to cut me off (I’m walking down the road to get to the sidewalk that leads to the side parking area at this point. He waits for me to get into my car, and then several vehicles start following me until I pull up to the police station. I have a pretty recognizable car, so I put up the security/motion cameras that I bought months ago tonight just to be safe once this all blows over.
The world/country we (I) live in is sickening. Tell people it’s not their business or ignore them if they ask. It’s hard to trust this insanity.
TL;DR :Told Trump supporter I didn’t vote for Trump, witnessed voter harassment for the first time. | FYI for everyone: if you experience voter intimidation the hotline is
866-OUR-VOTE
Edit: thanks to /u/king-kitty for also providing [this](https://i.imgur.com/pGaYzFd.jpg) |
I (F, now 22) used to be acquainted with another girl my age (we were both about 17 at the time), it was a typical friend-of-a-friend situation. I am bisexual and thought she was really cute, but never once thought that she could possibly be into girls as well, least of all me.
My self esteem was extremely low around that age and I did all kinds of mental gymnastics to explain away all of her flirting. I once saw her at the grocery store and she became really shy and didn't approach me (she was very shy in general) but later that day sent me a message saying something like "I saw you at the grocery store today, you looked cute".
But the absolute boldest move I completely ignored was Valentine's day when we hung out as a group with our friends and she walked over to me and gifted me a hint so broad, I can't explain how the wrapper didn't burst: She had made me handmade heart-shaped chocolates and put them in a small transparent gift bag. There was only one other thing in the gift bag, the only thing in the universe that could be gayer than heart-shaped chocolate from one gal to another: a little paper card with some kind words on it and printed on the other side was a picture (a manga panel from the looks of it) of two girls holding hands.
And my only thought was: "Wow, what a nice girl! I have to be really careful not to develop a huge crush on her, since she couldn't possibly be into me! She probably felt bad for me on Valentine's day because I'm so single and unfortunate-looking. Those straight girls really lead you on without meaning to!"
Today I looked back on this situation with horrified realization, as Facebook told me she got married recently. To a woman.
TL;DR: I thought a teenage friend had just been REALLY nice to me, realized she had been gay the whole time when she got married. | So it's not just men that are completely oblivious? |
Obligatory this didn't happen today, more like two years ago.
Two years ago I was living with my ex and our roommate. We will call him Tony. So Tony comes home one day with his girlfriend Taylor after finding a cat getting thrown out the car window and rescuing it. I posted on Reddit [This Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/cats/comments/9pptze/my_roommate_saw_someone_throw_this_kitten_out_of/) with a picture of the cat saying "My roommate saw someone throw this kitten out of a window on the highway. Picked her up and went to the vet. She has a paralyzed leg and a concussion. She's getting lots of love now".
This post ends up getting some traction on Reddit and some upvotes. Taylor, the girlfriend, has a history of being batshit crazy. Screaming and slamming doors during fights and just an overall crazy girlfriend. She is on Reddit herself and sees the post on [r/Cats](https://www.reddit.com/r/Cats/). She comes to MY house and starts slamming doors and screaming at me threatening to beat me up because I did not mention her in the post! All I said is my roommate found the cat, not my roommate and his girlfriend.
She got so butthurt that I didn't mention her in a completely anonymous post for fake internet points. I honestly thought she was going to beat me up over this. Tony had to calm her down and I was half scared half laughing. She is much much bigger than me and actually works out. So if she did throw a punch I would be down for the count. I've never been in a fight or even close to being in a fight until this day. Probably because I am a sane and nice person and people just don't want to hit me.
She ended up taking the cat completely and never allowed me or my ex to see or hear updates on the cat. For fear I would gain more fake internet points...from strangers....on an anonymous site. And from that day on I am considered the toxic one.
Anyway, be careful what you post on Reddit. You never know what crazy person you will offend.
If you're reading this Taylor FU. Hope I get more fake internet points because of you.
TL;DR: Posted on Reddit and didn't mention my roommate's girlfriend's name in the post and she literally screamed at me and threatened to beat me up for not mentioning her. | I'm waiting for Taylor to arrive at your place and another tifu post of how you got your jaw broken by Taylor |
Disclaimer: this wasn't actually today, but I just remembered it
I was on my first date with a lovely girl name Michelle. I took her to what people my age consider a pretty nice restaurant for a date. She didn't know where we were going ahead of time. A few minutes after we ordered, her face turned bright red and she told me to hide. I was confused and about to ask why when an older couple approached our table and introduced themselves as Michelle's parents.
After some brief, uncomfortable small-talk, her father, who had already casually mentioned twice that he was a police officer, each time placing his hand where his gun holster would be, asked me a question I didn't know people still asked.
"What are your intentions with my daughter?"
For the record, my intentions were simply to get to know her and maybe start a relationship with her. Unfortunately, the question caught me off-guard and I tend to (read: unfailingly) use humor as a defense mechanism. So I replied:
"I don't know, officer. I have Intention Deficit Disorder."
Michelle and her mother both burst into laughter, but her father was not amused. He dragged my date away, never to be heard from (by me) again.
Tl;dr: date's parents happen to be at the restaurant. Father asks "what are your intentions with my daughter?" I tell him I don't know due to my "Intention Deficit Disorder". He didn't like it and dragged my date away. | Classic mistake. Never out dad joke a dad on the first date. You gotta wait till there's a ring on it for that kind of power move.
Edit: just wanted to say I agree this dad is a humorless hard ass and he definitely dodged a bullet being his son-in-law, but it is still good etiquette and a sign of respect not to joke around with someone you've just met. Like op said, he slipped up: a defensive go to when he's nervous. But yeah, never heard from her again? That dad is an ass. |
This didn't happen today but took place earlier this year shortly after my wife and I bought a new car. I was reminded about it today as my birthday is this month. Don't worry, you'll understand why that's relevant soon enough.
I came home from work and, like every other day, go to the restroom and browse Reddit while I'm taking care of my business. Most of you are probably doing just that right now....don't judge me. I can't remember what sub I was in, or even what the original post was about, but the comment section started to get pretty wild, as many of them do. Before I knew it I was reading about "The Donkey Show." Yes that one. Some of the comments had links of what happens there or what can happen there. I wasn't interested in seeing what that was all about, so I just kept reading.
Someone mentioned and linked another post talking about how The Donkey Show was similar to a specific genre of pornography. Midget porn. I thought, "What the hell, I've never seen this sort of thing before." So I clicked.
As weird as it sounds, I clicked out of curiosity......I swear. What I saw was exactly what I expected to see. This specific video was of a man and a little person going at it. After a minute or so, I had seen enough and backed out of the post to continue browsing the sub I was in.
I finished up in the restroom, took a shower, and got dressed to go out to eat. I get the kids in the car and wait for my wife to come out of the house.
She was taking a while, so I grabbed my phone and started messing around with it. My wife comes out and gets in the car. Immediately she says, "What the hell is this?" I put my phone down and looked at the dash she was pointing to. On the big screen, in the middle of the dash, of the new car we just bought, was something along the lines of "blonde midget gets railed by big bl......www.pornhub.com". I had never had a car with this feature before, so I was unaware that the last thing you played on your device would show up on a display like this. I knew I was screwed. It felt like an eternity to try and open my music app back up so I could change what was displayed on the screen.
After about 5 minutes of explaining to her how easy it was to find yourself down a reddit rabbit hole, she finally understood but now thinks I have a thing for little people. Before we even left the garage, she was on the phone with my aunt telling her everything. All I could hear was roaring laughter from both sides of the conversation. Before the conversation was over, they had my next birthday party planned out. I'm pretty sure I'll be having a few extra people show up for my birthday celebration this year. Yay me...
She said to me one day, "I know you won't leave me for another woman, but I'm afraid you'll leave me for half of one."
I doubt she will ever let this one go...
TL;DR I went down a rabbit hole browsing reddit and ended up watching midget porn causing my wife to think it is a fetish of mine.
Edit: Damn! I fell asleep for 6 hours and woke up to 3 golds, 2 silvers, and a poop, You guys are awesome! I'm glad you got a kick out of my mishap.
Edit2: Just to clarify, my kids are too young to be able to read what was on the screen and while I was pleading my case, we kept it very G rated.
Edit3: Removed the race of the man in the description so people stop getting triggered. | This is hilarious. At least your wife had a good sense of humor about it! |
I'm never living this down. It's pretty standard for a lot of other sex-related posts here, but it's really destroyed me on an emotional and spiritual level. Obligatory 'this wasn't actually today but last week and I've just been thinking about it every day since'.
The first thing you should know is that I am NOT a sexual person. I barely ever have 'urges', I rarely think about anything like that, my libido is comparable to that of a fence posts'...etc. However, I started noticing that I was becoming increasingly bitter towards things like that, so I decided, 'You know what, I'm going to try and explore that side of me, maybe bring it out a little more!' and so, I did... it. I bought two sex toys (nothing extravagant, just basic, cheap little items) and a bottle of lubricant because I work smart, not hard.
Things SHOULD be fine, I think to myself, I'll order them and they'll come in in a week or so, no one's expecting any packages then, so there will be no issues and they'll hand it right off to me, none the wiser!
And then that DIDN'T happen, can you believe it?
No, what actually happened was worse, and proved to me that my dad is a monstrous, monstrous man who lives to cause me pain. Unbeknownst to me, I was still under my trial of Amazon Prime (I'd forgotten to cancel it after buying a Vulpix plush, sue me), and the package shipped and arrived... The next day. Even this should have been fine, no one in my family opens packages that aren't theirs except one little thing: MY package came in with my MOMS' packages.
I didn't realize they were coming in that day, so I was still curled up in bed watching TV. When I heard the delivery truck pull up, I thought, 'oh cool' and then went back to my show. It just so happened that my mom ordered a lot of different parts for her car, and then she assumed the box was one of hers as well without checking the label since I hadn't mentioned ordering anything to her (obviously).
According to my mom, she opened it, thought, 'oh, \*my dad\* must have bought something.' and then... she checked the label. And saw my name.
Did she do the respectable thing and tape it back up with clear tape like nothing happened? Did she just hand it to me and walk away silently? No, she went to my dad. Because of course she did. According to my mom, she walked in, said, 'our daughter ordered sex toys and I don't know how to handle it' and my dad shot up in bed with horror. A moment later, he giggled and jumped out of bed, taking the box from her and saying, 'I want to give it to her!'
He walks into my room. I say hey to him and sit up to look at him. He tilts the box towards me to show it's contents, and then we stare at each other in silence for several seconds before he sets it down next to me with the biggest grin on his face, and then calmly walks off.
I can't look my parents in the face anymore. I might actually have to move out, COVID be damned because my dad won't stop making masturbation jokes.
TL;DRI ordered two sex toys and lube off Amazon without realizing I had Prime, which meant that I didn't grab my package when it was delivered. My mom opened it, thinking it was hers, and then went to my dad for help. My dad is a monster, so he came into my room and stared at me while showing me the contents of the box, then set it down next to me and walked out. I think I'm getting an apartment soon.
Edit: I've seen some comments about my dad being gross or weird for this, my mother is equally as weird, and a fair share of incest comments. I want to assure you all that this is pretty normal in my family dynamic, my parents are VERY sex-positive to the point it's an ongoing joke in our house. They encourage us to explore our sexualities and are just GREAT parents. My mom panicked and went to my dad, her best friend, and as horrified as my dad was, he saw the chance to tease me relentlessly and he did what any great father would do and took. That. Chance.
And to the incredibly odd incest comments: Your kink, not my kink. Also, I'm a lesbian and my dad is pretty much exclusively into hot moms, so. Ya know. | While I get you're embarrassed it seems like your dad is cool with it. |
This involves multiple FU’s and happened a year or so ago.
I bought a present for my grandmother from a website for her birthday. All went well. She got the present and was delighted with it. A few months later I used the same website to order a vibrator but it never arrived. I called customer support to complain and they went over my order including making sure that they had the correct address. It was then that I realized that I had sent the vibrator to my grandmother as her address had been saved as the default one from the previous order.
I called my grandmother to ask if she had received the package. She said yes she had but she gave it to my dad because she thought it was a toy for his cats that I had sent to her house by mistake. Now I don’t know if my grandmother honestly did not know that this was a vibrator and really thought it was a cat toy. I believe she really had no idea what it was. She grew up catholic in a small southern town and wasn’t exposed to much outside of her little world.
So now, not only had I sent a vibrator to my grandmother, she had given it to my dad. I refused to call my dad. I was not ready to have that conversation. But about a week later I got the package from my dad that contained the vibrator. We never spoke of it.
You would think this is the end of the story but it is not. Remember when I called customer service to find out why I didn’t get my package? They were very nice and sent out a replacement. Where did they send the replacement? TO MY GRANDMOTHER!!! I never told them to change the address. At this point I was just too embarrassed to ask anyone about it and tried to forget it ever happened.
Cut to Christmas. My dad came to visit. He told me he had something for me so I went to the guest room with him. He hands me the package with the vibrator and says “please, for the love of god, stop sending vibrators to your grandmother”.
TL;DR sent a vibrator to my grandmother who gave it to my dad to give to me TWICE!!! | Just start sending vibrators to your dad now
Edit: Jesus lol this was so fun to wake up to! Thanks guys :) |
So my dad has had this didgeridoo in the house since he visited his sister in Australia 10+ years ago. My parents wanted to go out for a walk but I decided I’d eaten too much cheese and couldn’t be arsed. While they were out the internet went down so I was sort of wandering around looking for something to do when I spotted the didg. I thought to myself in all these years I’ve never actually tried to play it (it’s more of a decoration and I barely take it in when I see it) and maybe it’s time. I pick it up and put it to my lips. I felt like I knew what I was doing and that it was similar to playing a trumpet and wanted to play a long, loud note. I take a sharp inhale and immediately feel something hit the back of my throat. I splutter really hard and a small white globular thing comes flying out and hits the floor. At first I thought it was saliva and ignored it as I had a weird sensation in my throat and mouth. It felt like tingling to start with but grew into more of a tickle on the inside of my cheeks and a bit on my gums. I glance down at the white stuff on the floor and see several baby spiders crawling out of it and in all directions. The second I clock what’s happened I feel something tickling my top lip and slap my mouth with my hand. I have a squished spider on my lip and instantly go into panic mode. I run into the bathroom and spit repeatedly into the sink to see crushed spider bodies and some severed legs, some of which are still attached to parts of the body and are trying to drag themselves away from the plug hole. I urge several times and then frantically swill my mouth out with water. I don’t think my mouth will ever feel normal again.
TL;DR - thought I could play didgeridoo, inhaled a mouthful of spiders.
Edit; woah gold! And front page! Ta! Glad you all like/hate my story | How do you delete someone else's post |
Throwaway because I'm still embarrassed and I don't want anyone to associate the stupidity with me.
For background, I usually make the bed in the mornings, but I didn't yesterday morning because I was running late.
I went to see my dad yesterday but my wife wasn't feeling well so she stayed home. I got back at around 8:30 and couldn't find her anywhere. I checked the bedroom, the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, everywhere, and I just couldn't find her. Her wallet was there so I figured she just went out for a walk, which is normal since we live in a big city that's active into the night. I started getting worried at around 9:30 because she also wasn't answering her phone. I called a few of her friends and asked if they'd seen her but none had. I called her parents and asked them if they knew where she was, which led to them freaking out because no one could find her. My father in law told me to track her phone, so I went into her apple account and it told me that her phone was in our apartment. I turn on the find my iPhone sound and start running through the apartment thinking I should call the cops.
I hear the sound coming from our bedroom so I go in and start tearing the room up, when suddenly my wife pops up from the bed and asks me what the hell I'm doing. Turns out the small lump that I thought was just a pile of blankets since I didn't make the bed that morning was actually my wife, who went to sleep early because she didn't feel well. She sleeps with ear plugs in so she didn't hear me in the apartment.
I had to sheepishly call her entire family, own up to my stupidity, and apologize for terrifying them.
tl;dr I didn't make the bed yesterday morning and then I thought I was about to end up in an episode of SVU. | My husband did something similar a couple years ago when he forgot that I had a job interview and I forgot we had a concert to go to that same evening. When I didn't come home from work, he was calling all my close family, friends, hospitals... it was really one of the sweetest things he's ever done.
Edit: Thank you for all these shiny things!!!!! Hopefully you didn't ALL do it on accident :)
Edit #2: They were all accidents... You guys are just the best kind of clumsy today! |
I wish I was joking. This is gonna be descriptive and NSFW.
When I was 17, I was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. During my stay I met my new doctor, and after we exchanged a few words and all that, he told me he had to put a finger in my butt to test something. It was extremely awkward but fine. After I got out the hospital I had to continue seeing this doctor frequently for checkups and he had to perform 2 colonoscopies on me. After that my condition got better & I only need to continue seeing him now for checkups.
During the checkups over the years my family and him formed a bond. He's a cool doctor and my parents really like him and were super thankful that he nursed me back to health, so my dad offered my doctor a service that he provides for work just as a thank you. That's how both of our families eventually came together and shortly after, I started dating my doctor's oldest son (he's 23, I'm 22).
This was (and still is) completely fine. My family loves him and his family loves me, we've been together for almost 2 years now. So here's where I fucked up.
He's been staying back at his family's house since quarantine started and we missed each other so I decided to go over (I've been quarantined as well) and hang out with them. He told me to come early so we could have some alone time (both parents are Healthcare workers) so I did. We were in his room and things were getting heated and I basically just flat out told him I wanted to try anal.
He was open to it but was hesitant because of my UC. He asked me if it was safe for us to do that and without thinking, my BIG ASS MOUTH said,
"I don't know, I'd have to ask your dad. He's the only one who's been in my ass before."
I can't explain the look on his face but it goes without saying that that completely ruined the mood. I was laughing out of embarrassment and sorrow and I really just wanted to melt into the floor and disappear. I'm sure he already knew that his dad did that stuff to me because obviously I'm his patient but I'm also sure he'd pushed that thought way into the back of his mind and I drudged it up.
Dinner with the family was kind of awkward and before I left he tried to reassure me and tell me that it wasn't as horrible as I thought and we could just forget about it but I don't know how I'll ever recover from that.
And no, before anyone asks, I'm not going to ask his dad if it's safe for me to try anal with his son.
TL;DR: I told my boyfriend that his dad (My doctor) had been in my ass before (Because of procedures) right before sex.
edit: holy shit i went to sleep and woke up and this is at 25k?? i don't really know what to say but thank yall for living through this nightmare with me i guess and thanks to the people w/ uc/chrons (AND doctors!!) who actually gave me advice on having anal LMAO
edit2 (regarding uc/chrons) : for those asking because I can't get to everyone, I had alot of other procedures done too, even a pill cam which I didnt know existed until I had it, but the one thing that finally worked for me was Mercaptopurine (6MP). I think I got lucky and it worked wonders for me and basically gets rid of all my symptoms, even though I still sometimes have those horrible stomach aches. good luck to everyone who's still struggling with it | Part we're all missing here is the risk... say he bangs you in the ass, and tears something or whatever and you go to emergency where they call the ass doc on duty and bam future father in law comes in. "Hey dr so and so, well your son fucked my ass, and, well... |
I had my first gf when i was 19, everything was great, she's a beautiful blonde with blue eyes and had a great personality.
After a few months of dating she told me that she will come visit me at work (a secluded place where no one can see or hear us) we both knew the we're going to have sex for the first time that evening.
So i went out and bought a fresh pack of condoms.
When she came things heated up and we took of our cloths, but suddenly i stared smelling a horrible smell that turned me off completely, i didn't went to disappoint so we had sex anyway but i definitely did not enjoy it.
In the following days i thought that i will never enjoy having sex with her again, and so i broke up with her (i was young and stupid i know)
Three years later, last week, i had used the same brand of condoms and stared smelling EXACTLY the same smell, and realized that the beautiful girl i used to date wasn't stinky - the condoms were.
I feel like I've made the stupidest mistake of my life.
TL:DR i broke up with a a beautiful girl because i thought she was stinky during sex.
It turns out, the condoms we used were stinky not the girl.
Edit: wow im getting alot of hate from people, most of it is deserved - what i did was not ok.
But please keep in mind that i was 19 and stupid i didn't analyze this too much i just had a bad experience and jumped to conclusions.
Just to add a few missing details in the post
1. I broke up with her respectfully, i didn't tell her it was due to the smell
2. The brand off condoms we used is durax (a few people messaged me with the exact same problem. So i guess there are people who are more sensitive to the smell of durax products)
3. Alot of people suggest contacting her and apologize - i agree, i doubt we will be a couple again but she deserves to know why i broke up with her. | Bruh. |
Standard this happened about 10years ago etc.
I was 25 heading to a 21st for a girl from uni at her house (she was living with her parents). It was far from my house and i knew the street, so i just left home and when i got to the street i realised i didnt know the number and didnt have the invite. I messaged another friend to find out the address, but he didnt have it either.
There were only about 40 houses in the court, and it was pretty quiet, so i figured id just have a stroll and listen for music and a busy house.
Stroll up to the only house with any sound music going, 25 year old bloke, bottle of happy birthday vodka in hand and knock on the door. 'Hi, im iamnotjacksnipples, im a friend of Stephs here for the birthday'.
Mum looks at me a bit confused but pleasantly welcomes me in, and walks me through the house, past a group of roughly 15 year old, family eying me uncertainly. I start thinking maybe thats just the younger cousins and the main party is out back. Takes me further through the house to her other daughters room, who coincidentally is named Steph. 'Steph, your friend is here...' as i round the corner into the doorway i look at this 17-18year old and my face drops, 'i... dont know you' i say awkwardly, then look at the mum desperately hoping i have not just become the biggest creep on the planet bringing vodka to a 15th birthday as a bloke in his mid 20's.
Very fortunately i explained who i was and who i was looking for, and the lovely mum walked me down the street to the house i was meant to be at as she knew the family. I apologised profusely again, and thanked her for her help and understanding.
Tl;dr. i brought vodka to a 15 year old girls party that i wasnt invited to as a 25 year old man by mistake, but mother was really understanding and helped me get where i was meant to be. | Imagine sitting in your room. Some stranger walks in and says "I don't know you" and just leaves. Wild day. |
Like many other unfortunate souls, my nonexistent dating life has me turning to the dating apps. This particular one is from Tinder.
I'd been chatting with this guy a few days, and everything was going swimmingly. We had so much in common and were looking for the same things. His pictures were cute, and he didn't live too far away. All seemed well.
I invited him over to grill out some burgers in my backyard. He asked if he could bring anything - I said sure bring some bacon for the burgers! He agreed and said he'd be over soon.
Given his distance, I expected him to be over in \~15 minutes. I started the grill and seasoned the burgs. Half an hour later He messaged me, "I've driven by a couple times and chickened out. Are you sure you want me to come over?" Maybe a red flag, but I chalked it up to nerves and just said come on I'm hungry.
So this Hagrid lookin guy shows up, much different than his Cedric picture. That's alright, I can move past that. From the minute he walked up, and I kid you not, he did NOT take a breath. Within the first five minutes I knew his life story from his aunt who hated their grandma to his father who likes to collect taxidermy. Not a single breath.
Again I figured he was just nervous. I put the burgers on, and when they're ready he pulls out a ziploc from his POCKET with two pieces of bacon in it. He puts them only on his burger. Okay...
We sit down at the patio table to start eating (I finished my burger before he even started his - he did NOT stop talking the entire time). When we sit down, he reaches into his pocked out pulls out... a vial? It is about 2 inches tall with a cork in it. It's filled with black powder. He must have noticed me staring at it flipping between if he was about to snort something strange or build some sand-art. He said, "Oh," all super casual. "I'd like to INTRODUCE YOU TO MY MOTHER."
I just stared at him for what felt like an eternity. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry or run. "I like to bring her to any important event in my life. She also has ashes in this necklace I'm wearing, and in this ring I have on, and this half-sleeve tattoo is for her."
Now, mind you, I've lost too many people close to me, and I do not judge people based on their grief cycles, we all cope differently and I respect that. But homeboy brought a VIAL of his mother's ashes, and set them on the table for our FIRST date. I simply could not.
He finally finished his burger and I made some excuse about having to clock in and finish some work... at 9:30pm. He texted me before he even got to his car and told me "My mother really liked you, I can't wait to see you again."
I told him I didn't feel the connection - to him, or his mother.
TL ; DR Tinder date brought his mother to our first date... in an unconventional way. | Look you can either marry this guy or move because this dude knows where you live. |
Obligatory this happened over 5 years ago. I just saw a comment that reminded me of what happened so here we go.
I used to play an MMO with a bunch of people I knew IRL. Out of all of them, I was the most interested in PvP but sucked at it. One day a new guy shows up. He used to play, but stopped for a few years. Everyone starts talking about how he was basically a legend, a god at 1v1s, was one of the former top players in the game, was so inhumanly good he got mistaken for a bot, etc.
I immediately developed an awkward crush on him. He heard I was into PvP and challenged me to a 1v1 where he promptly kicked my ass. Then he spent a lot of time condescendingly giving me tips on how to improve and said he would show me the ropes. Being a dork with a crush, I was so grateful for any attention he gave me.
His idea of teaching me was basically beating me over and over again. After a few days of this, he got bored and stopped paying attention to me. I was embarrassed that I was so bad and kept losing, so I though if I could impress him, he would spend time in game with me again. I spent a stupid amount of time practicing on the side and researching. I'm talking like 6 hours on weekdays and 10+ on weekends. I literally lost weight because I stopped snacking on the side and ate the minimum amount at meal times.
So after like 10 months of nonstop playing, I improved a stupid crazy amount. Managed to jokingly convince him to duel and I beat him. He thought it was a fluke and demanded a rematch. So we played again and I beat him again. He got so mad he changed his build to exactly counter mine, and he beat me. I was so happy because I thought he was into it, so I changed my build to counter his and beat him. And it turned into this stupid back and forth.
I was having the time of my life. I thought I was showing off my improvement to a guy I liked. I learned theory-crafting, I learned how to play properly, etc etc. Meanwhile he was fucking raging his head off on his side of the screen. After a lot of back and forth killing each other in turns, he finally says he's done and logs off. I had no idea what happened and figured real life things was going on.
Anyways, he didn't log back on for a while and I heard from our mutual friend that he quit the game. He claimed he only came back temporarily from a break and needed to focus on real life job stuff or something.
I did not connect that with beating him. I just thought the timing was bad and I was sad I wouldn't be able to see him around anymore. He never logged back on again. A few months later we had another IRL hangout and he basically ignored me. Then made a few pointed comments about how he didn't like girls who were as into gaming as he was. And that girls who liked games too much were basically guys and he wasn't into guys. And that's when I finally realized he was mad I beat him.
And he literally never returned to play again. And after a few more years, I quit gaming. And funnily enough, I heard from our mutual friend again that that's when he decided to start playing again.
TL;DR I got good at a game to impress a guy I liked, beat him, and turns out he didn't like girls who were into gaming and also quit the game.
Edit: Fuck I wrote this on a whim before going to sleep. To clarify, he wasn't actually that good. It's like how everyone knows that one guy who's super good at Smash, but then goes to a local tournament and gets wrecked by actual pros. He was the best out of our little circle of friends, but wasn't actually top tier in the game. And at the end of that day, I wasn't even considered close to top tier either.
Also dug up my old reddit account because I knew a bunch of people were going to call me fake. Feel free to peruse my post history to confirm my level of obsession. It's a bit sad, I definitely had an unhealthy interest/addiction. I ended up quitting cold turkey and haven't logged back on in years. Sorry to all my old teammates, I literally left them with a "see you next time" and vanished off the face of the planet.
Edit2: I didn't quit the game because of him. I played for several more years after and got back into PvP and shot up the ranks because I went from a keyboard turning skill-clicker into someone who could actually play. Did weekly tournaments for a bit, got good enough to see the occasional pro players in my queue and formed a little team with other people around my level. The game itself went through a ton of bad balance patches and a ton of people left. I ultimately left because the gamemode was "dying" and I realized it was making me depressed and more angry and toxic the more I played. | TL;DR: OP dodged a bullet.
^(... which infuriated her crush because he'd min-maxed all his skill points into Firearms) |
So a little backstory here I guess. My first girlfriend would always take of my glasses before we made out (she wore glasses, too, so we sounded like two lustful wineglasses otherwise). She did this every time, so eventually it just became a habit for me. Things are getting heavy? Better take off my glasses. It went that way for years, and I never really questioned it. I just assumed it was normal.
The thing is, I have pretty bad vision. I'm not legally blind by any means, but I certainly can't read any kind of text without glasses unless it's inches from my face. Everything goes blurry immediately. That's not a big deal though if you're getting it on with someone--that's 50% by feel, 50% by sound, right?
Well I recently learned otherwise. I was seeing this new girl, and she jumped me one time with a surprise sexy encounter. We were ripping our clothes off so fast that I didn't have time to take off my glasses. And I'll tell you what: it was like hitting the HD button on pornhub after you've been watching nothing but scrambled VHS tapes for your entire life. Everything snapped into focus! It was amazing! I could see everything! Nipples! Goosebumps! The sweaty wet spot on the bed!
Is this what it feels like for normal-sighted people? Is your sex life just a walking, talking porno? Do you not look down and say, "wow, what a sexy brown blob" but instead say "wow, NVidia did a great job this year!"? This is absolutely life-changing, and I need anyone who reads this and wears glasses to take a long hard look at themselves, and then do it again but this time while wearing your glasses. Hopefully you can avoid my mistake.
TL;DR: wear glasses during sex and turn your pp into a 1080pp | Ive recently started wearing my reading glasses while I eat. I also enjoy not having blurry food |
**TLDR; Company uses Google accounts that are all connected. I fucked up and abused a policy that turns out results in a complete ban/block on the Google account, and ALL associated accounts. Everyone in my company is now blocked by Google and some of their personal e-mails are also blocked as well. Google isn't helping us out since their policy is final and will not share any information regarding the problem, but we hope to get in contact with someone who can fix this for us.**
Preface, this happened on Friday and is still on-going. I've tried to keep things as detailed as possible but vague enough so I won't be outed since I guarantee someone will read this eventually. I still do not know if I am the culprit, but I am 90% sure that I am. I feel like this is a fireable offence and I will step up and take it if it comes to that. I'm also posting on a throwaway account for obvious reasons.
I work at a pretty sizeable software company, with roughly 100-150 employees. We migrated to Gmail and other Google services about 2 years ago and have been relying on them and the e-mail system to do our job. It's safe to say that everyone is using Gmail or Google in one way or another. Now, our Gmail accounts are set up to our company, so everyone is connected. Keep this in mind, as it will be relevant later.
I have a friend who creates Android apps on the side. I do something similar to this, but instead my apps revolve around cloning .apk files and restoring them, similar to a service called Titanium Backup.
As a joke, every time my friend releases an app (usually paid), I buy the app and clone it with my software, and then refund it. After that, I send him an e-mail with the cloned version through Gmail with something along the lines of: "Look at this cool app I found on the store, it was completely free! Try it out!", or stupid shit like that. It was a bit of a stupid inside joke that kind of stuck for a while and was only between us.
Recently he uploaded a new app and I did the same thing as usual. I was actually on the toilet at work at about 10am or so and was doing my business in the stall on my phone. I was on my work account and bought the app and refunded and all that jazz. I e-mailed it to him and then finished up in the bathroom and went back to work.
About an hour later before lunch, everyone was talking to each other about problems accessing their Google accounts. At the time, it didn't click with me what had happened.
One of my colleagues requested help and I went to check it out. It turns out that their account was blocked by Google due to ToS violations. Their Google Payments account was blocked as well. I thought this was insane and wondered if it happened to me and everyone else in the building, and surely enough it did. We got banned by Google, all of us.
The afternoon was pandemonium. We were all freaking out, our IT guys were trying to get a hold of Google but couldn't get in touch with anyone. We could sign into our accounts but not do anything with them. All our work was shared with Google services.
Eventually someone realized that their non-work accounts were banned as well. It wasn't until yesterday that someone made the connection. Anyone who had their accounts as a recovery option were also caught in the ban wave. One of the girls at work was fucking bawling her eyes out since she couldn't access her e-mail either.
Anyways, we were all told to go home on Friday. I went home and looked this up myself, and I found out that this ban (sometimes on the entire account but always on the Google Payments account) happens when someone abuses their refund policy. It bans all the accounts associated with it, and remember how I said all our work accounts were connected?
Yeah...
So it's been two days now and we've been chatting over Skype, no one knows what happened and the IT guys are fucking livid along with our supervisor and boss who are pissed that Google isn't helping us out. Their policy is to not share any information about what caused this and they will not reverse these actions. The posts I've found online relating to this have had similar problems (not to this extent of course), but no one has been able to solve this type of policy breach since Google does not help them, even if it was by accident or due to some other cause...
So yeah, that's that. I'm 99% sure that I am the culprit who caused this. I do not know why Google has a scorched-earth policy when it comes to this kind of stuff, but I fucked up and our boss is looking to migrate away from Google even though we just recently signed on not too long ago. I might make an update next week once this is, if at all, resolved.
**EDIT1:** This blew up pretty quickly. Luckily, I have 3 PMs from people close to, or reps who can help me out. If I missed anyone else, thanks for reaching out. I am in touch with one of them now and I am getting in touch with IT at our office and will have to first explain this and figure out what to do next. I will likely not update until tomorrow or later on depending on how this pans out. | wow, now that's a fuck up. |
This did, essentially, happen today.
A couple weeks ago my 5 year old daughter found a black widow mom and her egg sack. She wanted to look at it, so I very carefully scooped it up into a jar, twisted on the top and went around it with duct tape for good measure. She begged to let them hatch so she could watch them, and this seemed to be decent science homeschooling, after which point I planned to put them in the freezer for a somewhat humane death. What’s the harm, I thought? They are sealed up well.
Well guess what, they weren’t. The jar I used was plastic and something some toys had come in. There were small HOLES in the bottom and sides, barely visible. Smaller than a hole punch, but plenty big for a baby black widow.
So today we’re going about our lives, when she notices a tiny spider. I kill it. Then there’s another. Then another. I start to think....oh no. I grab the jar to find the egg sack has indeed hatched, with hundreds of tiny little venom weapons. But I see with the relief the duct tape is still there, there’s no way they could have gotten out. Til I look at my hand. IN THE MOMENT I WAS HOLDING THE JAR ONE CRAWLED ON TO MY HAND. At which point I noticed the holes. I screamed, said some words that definitely shouldn’t be said in front of a 5 year old, and wanted to fling away the jar but managed to hold on to it in fear that tossing it would further distribute its murderous contents.
Now my child is playing outside while I furiously vacuum and clean and wash every surface.
G-d have mercy.
TL;DR Thought I was showing my child some cool nature in action, ended up with nature all over my bedroom, where nature means hundreds of baby black widows.
Edit: here are pictures of the ones that didn’t escape https://imgur.com/gallery/sF1PERS
And my daughter’s rendition of them: https://imgur.com/gallery/2fJCmq3
Further edits:
Thank you so much to the kind people who Venmoed me money for the exterminator who am I now definitely going to get to come tomorrow! (I’m actually going to return the funds because I was able to get it worked out, but thank you SO much!)
People asking how I could be that stupid...I dunno, frazzled homeschooling single mom corona exhaustion and just poor judgment, I guess? We’ve raised lots of other insects in jars with no escapees, so I guess I got a little overconfident about the status of jar impenetrability. Yep. I FUed.
Even Further edit:
While most people are upset that I didn’t immediately KILL IT WITH FIRE and I stupidly brought it inside, enough people are upset about my inhumane treatment of the spiders that I wanted to comment on it. They were originally on the porch, not far out in nature, and given how dangerous they were, I felt I was making a choice between killing them then and there or later. I don’t normally have the ability to drop what I’m doing in a day a drive out to the middle of no where, far away from other humans, to release dangerous spiders. The observation option, if I had done it correctly, seemed like it would at least offer the opportunity to see them hatch, which does make a pretty educational impact on young kids, I think, more than another YouTube video. I do not torture animals for fun, I’m a vegetarian and hold that life is sacred. Besides mosquitos and dangerous insects I don’t kill things. I get why compassionate people were upset by this.
The spiders are still alive, not frozen, and now, since she’s Reddit internet famous, today I WILL drive to the middle of nowhere and release the mom spider to go about her spider life far away from people. If anyone wants to suggest a name for her, go for it, and she will live in hated/beloved infamy.
In the true spirit of the internet, I’m sure this will manage to displease everyone, the people who are upset I did this in the first place and will exterminate the inside ones now, and the substantial number of people who want me to KILL IT WITH FIRE and will think it’s crazy to release the mom ;-). Sorry bout that! I’ll post a picture of the release later, if I get a chance, and everyone can sleep with their preference of more soundly / less soundly for knowing she survived. | This is a straight up horror movie - and I am not particularly afraid of spiders. |
I'm a grad student teaching freshmen English courses at a conservative Christian university.
At the end of the semester, my students have to present a slideshow proposing a change they think would make the world better.
One of my students, Steven\*, asked if he could make his slideshow about safe-sex education being made mandatory in all public high schools.
Me, not even sure if I was ALLOWED to approve a topic in favor of rampant and unchecked fornication among the youths of America, eventually told him to go for it, warning him that he'd have to be very careful about what he put in his slideshow, considering his topic.
The day of Steven's presentation arrives. He marches to the front, and begins his slideshow, entitled "The Case for Contraceptives."
It's fuckin great. He tells a story about bees, who, if they want to get some sweet, sweet nectar from flowers without spreading any of their "pollen" around, need to learn to wear little "booties" on their "feet."
I laughed through the whole thing and then turned to the class to discuss the presentation's effectiveness. But several students had blank expressions.
Finally, one of the students, Goober\* (this student and his nickname is pure gold, but that's another story), raised his hand and said, "Miz Holt\*, whut's a...cont-ruh-ceptive?"
I started to smile but stopped as I realized he was serious. I paused and and remembered my life before college, shuttled in a bubble between homeschooling and church and youth group.
We had a brief discussion about contraceptives then and there.
The next day, my classroom behavior under review, I was warned I was under unofficial probation (everyone at this university signs up as an "at-will employee," meaning we can be fired at any time for any reason).
\*Names changed to protect the guilty
TL;DR - I nearly lose my job at a conservative Christian university after explaining what contraceptives are to a few of my confused students.
**Edit:** Many people are asking why I choose to work at such an institution. I'll ask myself the same question until I graduate and leave. But in the meantime, I love my students, and I'll keep trying to crack open their brains like my homeschooled Christian brain was cracked open when I first went to college.
Also, several people have messaged me asking me if I go to their school, and they've named SO MANY different schools. Ugh. This is America. | Wow how dare you educate as a teacher lol. I get it's a christian university but you're an educator, if a kid asks a question you give them the info you can. Well I hope they dont fire you you did nothing wrong at ALL. |
My family is stacked like pancakes during the quarantine. My parents are still into each other, and I’m grateful. Although I’d pass on seeing the ass pats and octopus entanglements I’ve witnessed. My parents have been taking “full advantage” of the quality/quantity time, blasting music on the reg as if we can’t do the mental calculus about what’s going on behind closed doors.
Last night, I was cooking with mom as we listened to one of my playlists that we share on Spotify as she was telling me how sorry she was that my college life is on hold. We’ve had the mother-daughter talk about sex but mostly abide the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy. As she was blathering on about how special our lock-down time is, I jokingly told her that my siblings and I all know how much she and my dad are enjoying quarantine. She blushed, laughed it off, and I thought that was the end…until this morning when I wake up, perplexed and confused, as she detonates my own MY PLAYLIST against me, played at decibel level to blister ears.
She’s the type to double down on a bad joke, so before she could completely ruin songs for me,I quickly replaced them with the worst kid's music I could find. I laughed my ass off when the super-annoying and cringingly appropriate “Bouncy Ball" from Dora the Explorer echoed through my house.
My victory was short-lived because I’ve spent the last two hours trying to take a college final while Barry White and Marvin Gaye serenade me through the drywall.
TL:DR Teased my mom about having sex. Now, getting clowned as she gets the last laugh.
EDIT: Her reign of terror continues. She's changed all of the names to my playlists. Some of them include: "Sexify my soul", "Your dad has big feet" and "Too hard to get out of bed"... God, help me.
EDIT2: You people are amazing. Thanks for making my day! My BF is on the way over for dinner and who knows what shit is about to go down with my bad ass mom when he gets here. Be safe eveeyone and keep on laughing. | You are lucky to have parents that are in "puppy love". |
This just happened last week. I got home from working out of town Thursday night and my wife warns me that there is a problem with my 7 year old daughter. “Beth” comes in and I can see that she has a few bug bites on her face and and one of her eyelids is a little droopy. She feels fine though.
I am off work the next day and my wife is going to the office. I wake Beth up for breakfast and her eye is now much worse. It is more than half closed and a little red. She still feels fine. As soon as the doctor opens, I call them and they tell us to come in.
We get there and I go to check in. The receptionist that I have never seen looks at my daughter and says “Oh. My goodness, what happened?” So I respond as a joke “Eh, she got out of line”.
I know! It’s horrible. I’m sorry! I have a weird sense of humor and I’m a bit socially awkward. Anyway, we all smile and giggle before we head to the waiting area. Soon we are called in. The checkup goes as expected. It’s a reaction to the bug bites and he tells me to use some over the counter Zyrtec or Benadryl. Then there is a knock on the door and the doctor steps out.
He comes back in a few minutes later and says that the police would like to talk to me. The doctor is angry. We all head to the Doctor’s office to talk.
There is a policeman and a policewoman. The policewoman starts making small talk with my daughter and asks if she wants to go in the other room and read a book. My daughter has an irrational fear of the police from when her older brother would threaten to call them whenever she went in his room. So she says no and buries her face in my side. The police then tell me that it is better that she is in another room. I saw one of Beth’s cheer coaches bring her son in soon after we got there and mention that she may still be there to watch her. The doctor, still visibly angry goes to check and she is so Beth goes to sit with her in the waiting room.
The police explain that they have a report of possible child abuse. The Doctor explains that this was a simple misunderstanding. He just examined my daughter and there is no abuse. I now realize that it is the receptionist that he is angry with. She makes an excuse and leaves the room. He says that he thinks he has to let her go. He says this is the second incident in 2 weeks. He says that her bad judgement got his practice and the entire executive park closed for 4 hours last week and his neighbors now hate him.
The police are apologetic but say they need to do a full investigation and ask if I can come to the station. A friend comes to pick up my daughter who is freaking out at this point.
We get to the station (they allow me to drive there myself) and my Uncle who is a lawyer meets me there. The police are apologetic and say they already know what happened but a full investigation and report need to be done. They say it is a minimum of 3-5 days, maybe longer. I call my wife who goes ballistic.
The county attorney says that they normally seek restraining orders in these cases, but if I sign an agreement to stay away from my daughter until the investigation is closed they would not seek one. My uncle recommends this as the restraining order would be public record. I stay at my brothers for the weekend and schedule an out of town trip that I really don’t need to make for this week. I can’t wait to get home to see my family and sleep in my own bed but I’m pretty sure my wife will have me on the couch for a little while.
tl/dr: Made a bad joke, got investigated for hitting my kid, lost the right to see her. Sitting in a hotel room on a useless business trip.
Edit: Spelling
Edit 2: Update
Thank you for the gold kind strangers.
Wow this blew up. I wanted to answer some of the questions that you guys had. I want to thank all of you guys for the kind words and support. For those of you saying that I am an idiot, you are probably right.
1) I will not be sleeping on the couch. My wife got over this fairly quickly and is no longer angry. At least not at me.
2) I am heading home from Boston tomorrow evening and I think everything should be resolved by then.
3) I will not be taking legal action against the receptionist. She was very young did not do this out of animosity. I do not know what if anything will happen to her job. I am not pushing for her to lose it.
4) The other story about the receptionist goes like this (as told to me by the doctor). A few weeks ago the lights in the parking lot of the executive park blew and the landlord had trouble getting them fixed so he rented temporary light stanchions for the businesses that are open past sundown until they could figure out the problem. These lights apparently ran on gas or diesel. The receptionist came back from lunch one day and smelled something so she called the state's department of environmental protection to say that she believed that there was a fuel leak. The DEP closed the parking lot for the rest of the day for "clean up". It turned out to be nothing. | woah this is weirdly similar to something my own dad did. once my sister got a mosquito bite on her face that swelled her eye up n when the chemist asked what happened my dad who couldnt even speak the language, decided doing a punching motion to her 8 year old face while laughing was a good option. the look on the womens face, turns out laughing isnt so universal after all lmaoo luckily there were no repercussions tho! |
I go to this “mommy and me” thing every week with my daughter. Not because it’s my kind of thing, but because my mother-in-law paid the membership for a year as “a Christmas gift” to my one-year-old (AKA she doesn’t think I am socializing her grandchild enough and this was her way of passive-aggressively correcting my parenting).
Anyways, we go to this thing every week for an hour and all the Pinterest moms are planning themed birthday parties and discussing screen time and sharing gluten free recipes while their kids stare at each other. But all these kids know sign language, and I thought that was pretty damn cool. So I start looking into this and try teaching my kid some basic signs for basic needs, and it’s working! Suddenly, my tiny human who otherwise could not effectively communicate with me knows how to say “more” and “all done” and “drink”! She can call me mom and my husband, dad! Holy shit! Thanks Pinterest moms! I take back all the shit I talked about you to my kid on our weekly drives home.
Well today with my husband out of town, I didn’t feel much like cooking and since my daughter is pretty laid back at restaurants I decided to go out for a quick dinner. The kid loves French fries and so do I. So we hit the local burger joint and I order a beer, a burger with fries, and a side of fruit. The server brings a little styrofoam cup with a lid and a straw filled with water for my daughter, and I set it out of her reach so she doesn’t hulk smash the styrofoam and make a mess. So of course every time she wants some, she signs “drink”. And every time she wants my attention, she signs “dad” because apparently the slightly different sign for “mom” isn’t as fun for her. Ok, whatever.
Well I notice a couple tables away, there are a couple of women who are also signing to each other but they’re looking over at us and snickering. I’m like okay, I did like 4 quick google searches, maybe I botched some of what I taught her. It’s fine. But then as the women are leaving, they stop by our table and one of them lays her iPhone down with a message typed out for me to read. It says something to the effect of “she’s calling you ‘dumb’ and telling you she wants to drink alcohol”.
I’m like... wait... what? So she continues to show me that I have in fact taught my daughter the wrong signs, that there are different signs for “drink (non-alcoholic beverage)” and “drink alcohol” and by balling her first up instead of using a flat hand at her forehead, my daughter has been calling me dumb instead of dad which was already wrong obviously since I am her mom. I can only imagine what the Pinterest moms would’ve done had I shown up next week with my kid asking to drink liquor.
TL;DR ASL is hard, and my baby has been asking me for alcohol all week due to improper signing
ETA: Thanks, everyone! I’m glad you all enjoyed this post. Please understand that the conversation that took place with the deaf women was totally lighthearted, they were not correcting our signing to be rude or in thinking that I was trying to teach my child proper ASL. They were not oblivious to the fact that baby signing is not the same as ASL. They just thought my baby was cute and used the coincidence to strike up conversation, and it was funny and welcome!
Also please note that I literally searched “baby sign language” and based the signs off of still frames from google. I have no idea how close they were to the real signs. Additionally, this happened 4 years ago when my now 5 year old was 12 months old. She speaks English well, for all of you who were concerned for her development. We were always sure to say the words while signing them. She now has a baby sister who is 12 months old and is signing which is what reminded me of this story that I decided to share with you all. I’m new to reddit and did not realize it was obligatory to let you know that this did not actually happen “today”. You can take back your upvotes for this as necessary :) | Haaa ha ha ha!! I love it. We had a girl in my sign language class I took in college who was so impressed because she had a sign language name from a deaf friend, and she showed it to us and the teacher. The teacher very calmly and straight faced said, “your friend named you BItch, you just introduced yourself as my name is bitch.” |
We are in the middle of the Polar Vortex. I got a phone call last night saying that I didn't have to come in to work the next day, which is awesome because my boyfriend also has the day off.
We decided to get a little tipsy, play some video games, and enjoy being indoors. Well, once we got liquored up we decided that it was sexy time and we went to the bedroom, where we had the lights partially dimmed. I was ready to get laid, because, well, I wanted to. So I told my boyfriend to grab the lube while I climbed on top of him.
The bottle of lube has one of those tops that you push down on one end, and the other end pops up so you can dispense it [like this](https://i.imgur.com/llIJq5V.jpg). I was on top of him, and this is where our drunk-asses fucked up.
Because he was holding the bottle of lube it's right way up, all the liquid was towards the bottom and no where near the lid. He squeezed the bottle hard to try and get the liquid out, but since he didn't turn it sideways, it didn't work. Again, we were drunk, so shit happens.
While he was squeezing the hell out of the bottle, he had it held directly to my labia/clit for the product to come out right where we needed it. He couldn't get any lube to come out, so when he released the bottle, my labia and part of my clit got sucked into the cap, enough for the suction to be strong enough that it held onto my labia as I screamed and jumped off him. The bottle dangled for less than a second until he grabbed the bottle and pulled it off my skin.
I now have a small, hickey like bruise on my labia, and the plastic caused my clit to bleed a little bit. We sobered up real quick, I fell asleep crying with my boyfriend rubbing my back.
​
TL;DR Boyfriend got too close using the lube, clit got vacuumed into the 7th gate of hell. | My first thought was: too much or not enough?
Bottle use error... That's not what I was expecting. |
So this actually happened today. A few hours ago.
So a friend set me up with this woman because she thought we have similar hobbies and a similar dark humor. We met today the first time for a coffee/tea. We were actually having a good time, or at least I thought so. We clicked right away and had a lot to talk and laugh about.
After like an hour she suggested to pay our drinks and go somewhere else for launch and I happily agreed. As we were about to pay our drinks she started searching her purse for her wallet and put various objects on the counter because she seemed like to have a bit of a mess in her purse. One of these objects was a pepper spray. I casually mentioned after leaving the coffee "Id consider getting a different pepper spray if you plan to defend yourself. This one is quite useless."
*For a bit of context: I used to test various of pepper sprays and tear gas in the military. We were stupid and young but it was also kind of thrilling. And the product she had was by far the worst/weakest we tested. I just recognized the bottle because it was so bad and thought I should let her know that this is probably not the best option to go with. But she obviously didnt know about that because, well, we just met an hour ago.*
After this comment our conversation kind of died and she suddenly had a work emergency and had to go. I took me a few minutes until I realized that my comment was beyond creepy without any context. I am definitely not used to meet new people. I hope Ive not traumatized her.
TLDR: Creeped out a woman Ive only met an hour before by telling her her pepper spray would be not very effective if she intended to defend herself.
​
Edit: Its all good. She called me, she apologized for running off, I apologized for my weird comment and we are going out again. Yey. Ill try to not do any weird comments about her precautions again.
Edit2: Thanks for blowing this up. She found the post and now we are sending each other screenshots of weird/funny comments. Thanks for the entertainment.
Edit3: I am not an expert for defense spray. We were just some bored soldiers with some examples. And this one was outstanding mild/bad, that is why I have recognized it. So dont ask me for pepper spray advice. | You are quite the sweet-talker. |
This happened around 7 years ago.
One morning I had awoken to tent having being pitched under my sheets... just like every other morning. And just like every other morning I had to.... *handle* it. I open up Pornhub on my shiny new Galaxy S4 I had recently been given for my birthday. I gave the chicken a good choking and spilled my baby batter all over my chest. Yada. Yada. Yada.
A few minutes later I get text from my sister to the effect of "WHAT THE FUCK!!!!". Then I get a call from my mom. She's livid. She's screaming at me asking me "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?? WHY DID YOU SEND ME THAT!". She hangs up before I can ask what she's talking about. Then I get a call from my dad with him yelling the same thing. I tell him mom had yelled at me too but I don't know what she or he is talking about. He says I sent a help message with a picture of myself in bed with my shlong and ejaculate in view. That was when I realized what had happened.
I had turned on a setting on the S4 which sends an emergency message to my "In Case of Emergency" contacts if you press the power button three times. When it's activated, it sends a message, a picture and an audio recording (yeah, there was even audio). I had apparently squeezed the S4's power button a few times as I was getting close to finishing.
TLDR : I accidentally sent my family a picture and audio of myself mid-orgasm. | EMERGENCY 🆘 I HAVE 🚨 NUTTED 🚨 |
So I'm a bit of a soccer fan, and today two big local teams had a game, so naturally I was watching the match on my living room little did I know there was another match going on my neighbours house. About ten minutes into my game, I started hearing screams coming from the house across the street.
Between the game and the distance between us I really couldn't distinguish any words, so I just raised the volume of my TV and kept watching. During half time I got a bit hungry and decided to make myself some popcorns, for those of you who don't watch sports, half times tend to be a bit long and is just a bunch of commercials so I lower the volume of the TV as I microwave some popcorn.
By this point my neighbours had been fighting for about 30 minutes, and just as I take the popcorns out of the microwave I hear some doors slamming, curiosity got the better of me, so I went to my balcony to see what was the scope of the fight in case I had to call the cops of something. Now I have two dogs so I didn't wanted to leave my popcorn bag unattended on the couch, so I brought it with me.
So here I am, staring from my balcony at the 40 year olds married couple who took the fight outside. For the looks of it the wife had kicked the husband out of the house. By now I could tell what the fight was about, nothing too dramatic as to add spice to the story or so I thought. Suddenly she slapped him hard on the face, which made him turn as I gasped dramatically, which made them both look up into my balcony.
Now try to see this from their perspective. They've been fighting for over 30 minutes, yelling and slamming doors and just as they took their fight outside they see their gay gossip loving neighbour with a big bag of popcorn looking from their balcony. This got them furious, as if defying the laws of physics, their faces turned redder than they already were, and they both took their frustration at me yelling me all sorts of things.
"ENJOYING THE SHOW YOU \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*!?"
I honestly decided to take one for the team and kept putting popcorn into my mouth as they were yelling at me because it seemed to stop their fight and join them as a twisted dysfunctional couple once again. They both flip the finger at me as walked inside "Can YOU BELIEVE this fucking guy!?" the wife screamed at her husband as he patted her back and closed the door.
When I got inside I was too busy laughing to enjoy the rest of the game but locally my team won 5-2 so all is good in the world.
Edit: I know some redditors don't really like this but thank you so much for the platinum, gold and silvers and all the positive fun comments I've gotten. You all made my night incredibly fun it's been a blast reading and replying to all your comments! Also shut out to all the Cruz Azul fans who guessed correctly it was the game I was watching!
Edit 2: many users seem to think this story wasn't a TIFU and it probably isn't a dramatic one I'd say that ruining my relationship with my neighbours by being on the wrong place at the wrong time with some popcorns was a bit of a fuck up but at the end of the day isn't a really big loss as it gave me a blast of a night on reddit.
TL;DR My neighbours were having a big fight while I was watching a soccer game, I went out to check while she slapped her husband as I was holding a big bag of popcorn. My nosing around redirected their anger towards me and now they're back to being a happy dysfunctional marriage again. | *eats popcorn in dominance* |
This is the reason people create throw-aways, but screw it, it happened.
Also: this occurred a little over a decade ago, which will eventually be pertinent.
For background: At some point in my childhood, I developed pin-worms. In the interest of science, I must admit that I don't know for certain that I had pin-worms, just that my mother (who was 17 when she had me in the 70's and loved home remedies) had seen me scratching my bottom, for good or bad reasons concluded that I had pin-worms, and instructed me to shove a clove of garlic into my anus in order to stop the little beasties.
I'm afraid that I don't know if the garlic helped, or if there was any other remedy, all I remember is that as a young child I walked around for the better part of day with a piece of garlic shoved up my bum, and I don't remember spending most of my childhood with an itchy asshole.
Fast forward a decade and a half: I am living on my own. Single. Re-Acclimating to the dating scene after an awkward breakup with an ex that everyone I am still close to refers to as "She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named". I don't remember the exact moment of realization, but there was a gradual dawning....I had worms. My butt was beyond-normally itchy. Sometimes it didn't phase me, but there was a reoccurring itch that couldn't be sent away once it arrived. The confirmation came when I showered and cleaned my bottom, to discover on my finger a half dozen tiny, white, croissant-shaped worms who had apparently been residing on the outside of my butthole.
I hoped they would go away. I showered multiple times a day, scouring my ass with cleanser as best as possible, even venturing the occasional soap-covered-finger up my bum to clean out the system. But every morning, I would wake up, take a shower, and discovered more tiny beasties.
I was horrified, but I made an appointment at my local clinic. When I told the nurse over the phone that I thought I had butt-worms, she was \*extremely\* skeptical. She said it was "highly unlikely", but they would do tests.
I went in, embarrassed as a naked nun in Sunday school, and the doctor, a friendly South-East Indian man, reiterated the nurse's skepticism, could not find anything amiss when he peered up my bum, but asked me to send in a sample of the worms when they appeared and they would test.
I was already frustrated, but I waited until the next morning, gathered up a collection of the white aliens by pressing a row of scotch-tape against my asshole, confirmed the beasties were present, and deposited them in a plastic container. Later I drove the sample to the office, and was told it would be 1-3 weeks before I would get results.
In the meantime, I remembered the old remedy, bought a garlic bulb from our local health food store, and shoved a clove up my bottom.
I would like to say that as a liberal American male, I wouldn't have any issue, but after 4-5 hours talking to coffee stewards, waiters, and business associates and pretending that I did not have a foreign object shoved up my rectum, I dashed to a restroom and removed the clove, horribly embarrassed, despite no one knowing what I had done.
Now to add: I had recently started seeing a wonderful woman. We had completely hit it off: she was a vibrant redhead, curvy, brilliant, and fun; I wanted nothing but to put my best foot forward. a week after depositing the sample to the clinic and no response, she and I found ourselves showering. My hand drifted down to my butt-crack and I realized I \*NEEDED\* to share my story with her, despite fears that I would mark myself as tainted and never be talked to again. So I spurted it out: "Uhm, so yeah, I...uh...think I have butt worms...."
She was so practical about it. She asked to see. I pulled apart my cheeks, swiped my fingers between them, and pulled up a few white croissant specks for her to investigate.
"See," I said, embarrassed. "Worms."
...
"That's toilet paper", she replied.
"W...what?"
"Yeah," she said, nonchalantly". "That's toilet paper."
Everything fell into place. About a month ago, when finances got tight, I swapped my normal TP roll with Dollar Store discount brand, which was apparently breaking apart after I wiped, creating croissant shaped rolls on my bottom that caused itching.
My relief was intense, mixed with colossal embarrassment . My shower companion was nothing but amused and gracious.
TLDR: I spent the better part of a day with garlic shoved up my bum because I bought cheap toilet paper.
Postscript: Shower companion and I just celebrated our 8th year wedding anniversary. | And 30 years from now, you can tell your grandchildren that you knew she was the one when you told her you had worms and garlic in your asshole, and she didn't flinch. |
I asked my girlfriend the other day, "Why do the doors of the bathroom stalls have space on the bottom?"
She told me they're like that so we can easily see if the stall is occupied or not in a "duh\~" tone.
I followed up by saying, "But sometimes, people can see my butt."
She started laughing her butt off and asking why/how.
So I had to explain why my butt was so low to the ground; I wipe my butt after pooping by taking a step forward off the toilet and squatting really low.
I then argued with her that my wiping method is normal until she showed me a link to [http://www.howtowipeyourbutt.com/](http://www.howtowipeyourbutt.com/) and I was shocked.
We were both curious where/how I even learned that from.
Was it a potty training error? Apparently not. We asked my parents, sibling, grandparents, cousins, aunts, & uncles if they wipe their butt by squatting, too, but no one does that except for me.
So, I've been wiping my butt and mooning hundreds of people in bathroom stalls for 20 years of my life.
\#dead
TL;DR
For 20 years, I squatted all the way to the ground after pooping in order to wipe my butt. | Someone out there is on the toilet, reading this, and weighing their options.
Edit: Wow, my first gold! Thanks, kind stranger. Who knew it'd be for a toilet reference. |
I currently work for my local government in their communications department making videos, fliers, social media posts, and pretty much everything else they need. Part of the job involves putting in placeholder text and links since I'll be told "We need a link to this resource but it's not available".
There's an unspoken agreement that if I'm not given an actual link, I will link to random things; sometimes it's a viral video, sometimes it's an anime meme, and sometimes it's music videos to what I'm listening to. This is just for the draft so it doesn't matter and usually just gives me something fun to add on. For the past few months, I've been working on a large campaign of flyers to promote a program to my neighboring area of half a million people and at the time. At the time, I was listneing to a lot of 80s new wave and decided to see if anyone is actually testing that the QR codes and shorteners work that I directed everything to go to Rick Astley; figured if anyoned checked it, I'd get an email commenting on it.
Time goes by, the official links are the last to be given to me so I add them in, send everything to my supervisor to approve before going to the printer to have 5,000 copies printed of each variation. My work with the project is done and now it's up to others to start putting them while I move on to the next project; that was two weeks ago. This morning, I get pulled into a zoom meeting with the other department heads and their bosses. They ask me about the link and I tell them I checked the QR code and shortener before sending it for review and if there's a error to look at the printer. I even pull up the finalized versions and verified it works. They get more serious and say that the printer wouldn't replace the links with a music video, thinking I screwed up or just did it on purpose. Turns out that the posters and fliers had been put around the county in local businesses, bus stops, out lobbies, etc and emails started to come in. I'm more surprised that anyone actually used the QR codes or links to begin with.
After getting grilled, thinking I was going to get fired, I forwarded the email I sent to my supervisor with the final versions of the graphics and they went to the correct links. The best we can figure out is that since there had been dozens of versions over a few months that someone along the chain of command mixed up an earlier version that included the Rickroll link when placing the order; no one wants to take blame for it. We're currently in the proces of retrieving everything and debating on having stickers printed out to cover the links or pay to have everything reprinted. Even though it wasn't my fault, I'm now suppose to use dummy links and QR codes that go to an image of a tree; my time of adding random music videos has been halted.
TL;DR: TIFU by an early version of a multi-city promotional fliers got sent to the printers that contained draft links to "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley instead of the correct version and was only discovered after they had already been put up across the area.
Edit: Hot damn! Didn't expect my 4am "I need to take a break from my workload" post to take off. Thank you all for the awards and assuring me that my placeholder methods are genius!
Front page edit: Since this is making the rounds on design subreddits and discords, might as well plug [my portfolio](https://shorturl.at/ctMO8) in the event I get fired and need a new job. | >someone along the chain of command mixed up an earlier version
>no one wants to take blame for it
This was your supervisor. |
So this happened about an hour ago and I’m just sitting in at a cafe, trying to stop cringing in embarrassment.
I’m on vacation with my wife and her family and we arrived at the hotel today, checked in and settled into our rooms. A while later a few of us headed out to explore- I went and met up with a friend who lived in the area and ended up having a few drinks.
Earlier while I was out, I had got a text from my wife saying that she was switching our room with her parents’ as ours had a balcony while theirs didn’t, which her dad wanted so he could smoke (and that she was going out for dinner with her mom). Anyway I saw it, said ok fine, agreed to switch keycards with him once I got back.
A few hours later, I was a bit drunk and my friend dropped me back to the hotel. The text had completely slipped my mind and so I headed to the room with the balcony where her parents were staying and, thinking it was ours, went right in.
As I went in, I heard the shower running in the bathroom and, feeling promiscuous, I decided to give who I thought was a my wife in the shower and little surprise. So I stripped down (completely naked) and, seeing that the door was slightly ajar, decided to barge in. So I did. While also announcing quite loudly, “Daddy’s home!”.
The sight that lay before me is one that’ll be stuck in my mind forever- my father-in-law, naked in the shower, looking at in a mixture of disbelief, confusion and- mostly- anger.
I froze, and for a second we just stood there in silence, which was soon broken by him shouting- “What the FUCK (my name)”.
At this point my flight response kicked in and, as fast as I could, rushed out, dressed faster than I ever have before in my life, and ran out the room.
Since I don’t have the keycard for the other room and sure as hell am not going back to ask for it, I’m now sitting at this cafe outside the hotel. I’m waiting for my wife to get back from her dinner as I don’t really think I can explain what just happened over the phone, if I can explain it without dying of embarrassment at all. So yeah, the family brunch tomorrow should be interesting...
TL;DR: Switched hotel rooms with wife’s parents, got drunk, accidentally went into their room, barged into bathroom while FIL was showering
UPDATE: My FIL told my MIL and my wife, and both of them pretty much died of laughter. He also isn’t too upset, just told my wife to tell me I know “who daddy is around here”, who promptly relayed this message to me. Currently with the wife in OUR room, trying to get the aforementioned image out of my mind and avoided the in-laws at all costs. Also would like to clarify I did NOT know what promiscuous actually means, I swear... | “Daddy’s home”
Porn track scratches to a halt
“What the FUCK Jerry!” |
So first of all, I'm an 19 year old guy and everyone involved in the butt competition was between the ages of 18 and 20. Alt-account as I don't want my friends to know my actual reddit account. TL;DR at the end.
​
So it al started around a week ago when some girls in my friend group came together and started drinking. They started boasting about their butt and next thing you know they wanted to do a best butt competition. I wasn't there so I don't know details but we were send a message in a group chat. Rules were simple, if you wanted to join you just had to send a pic of your butt to this certain girl who would present them anonymously to 8 guys and they would all vote for the picture of the best butt.
​
Well, I thought it would be funny to join, but I knew that they wouldn't take it seriously because my ass is naturally extremely hairy. So I did the most logical thing at the time. I shaved it. I took the shaving equipment I normally use for my face, switched the knifes and went ham. Well this is were the first problem came in.
​
The stupid person I am didn't lock the door. My mom walked in on me shaving my ass. She just awkwardly wiggled away and I turned extremely red. She didn't say anything, so I thought she would just ignore it. Well she didn't. She started googling. That evening, she asked me to come to the dinner table to talk. My father ran away so I knew it would be bad, but I didn't expect it to be that bad.
​
She wanted to talk about *intercourse safety in a homosexual relationship*. Keep in mind, I'm not actually gay. She was extremely well prepared. Highlights of that evening were practicing with a condom and a cucumber, the dangers of gay sex without lube, and a brief summary of objects I should definitely not put in my butt (such as lamps and beer bottles). She would not listen to any of my denying and would just say: "its okay, Your dad and I still love you".
​
I thought the worst was over so I send a picture of my shaven butt to the girl that was collecting them. 2 days later the 9 pictures of all the contestants were send, all without any distinguishable features, to the 8 boys. So one thing you should now is that I do have quite a good butt. I got pretty good genes in that aspect and I've been skating since I was 14. I now skate around 60km a week and skating is an incredible way to get a firm round butt of decent size. You can probably see where this is going. I won with a total of 5 out of 8 votes. 1 picture got 2 votes and 1 got 1 vote.
​
The fallout from this was not that big. Some of the more prideful girls wanted to start some drama, but they didn't want to admit their butt lost to a boy, I didn't talk a lot with them anyway and Covid makes drama a little more difficult, so that was simply ignored by most of us. Our mix-gendered trip to a lake when lockdown would end did turn a guys only trip as some of the girls suddenly didn't really feel like going and the rest didn't want to go to a lake with a such a one-sided girl/boy-ratio. I do want to say that most of the girls did think it was hilarious on some sort of level and the one that didn't are famous in our group for being extremely prideful. It is, however, extremely awkward to talk with most of them as they now look at my ass quite frequently.
​
It doesn't stop with this by the way. I was gaming with my friends today and we started talking about the butt competition. We kept it anonymous which butt was from what person and the people that voted didn't know who won yet and I did not know who the guys that voted were. Well, the guy I was gaming with happened to be one of the people voting. He said he couldn't chose between two and so he started masturbating and voted for the one he came on. I said something along the lines of 'that's gross AF'. He than said something like 'You would understand if you saw the butt and than proceeded to send the picture he voted for via snapchat. It was mine. I didn't tell him, but I now have to live with the knowledge that a good friend of mine came on a picture of my shaven ass.
Edit: Alright, this became a lot mor popular than I thought it would be. I'm happy my awkward life is amusing random strangers on the internet.
First a little update: the guy has probably seen this post and recognized it as he just sent me a text which states 'sorry'. Nothing more. He wont answer any texts, from me or my friends. I'll try again tomorrow.
Yes, my mom is a great person. She was raised in an extremely strict catholic household. She stayed a catholic (going to church twice a week) but never wanted her kids to feel forced to be anything their not.
One thing some people seem to misunderstand is that my butt is extremely incredible to win against cheerleaders, actresses and models. My friendgroup exists out of the d&d players, the art kids, and the alternative crowd. Even though we have some incredibly beautiful people here, we were never the jaw-dropping popular crowd. Which is okay, as we always had fun.
I AM NOT A DUDE WITH A BRAZILIAN WOMAN'S ASS.
also thanks for the medals and the tips for caring after my shaven ass. I didn't think about aftercare until you guys said anything.
Also, I'm not posting pictures of my ass so that thousands of strangers can see it. Sorry, but I'm just not risking it.
Edit 2: Fine, you guys win. You know how many requests I've got for butts? Way too many. Absolutely abnormal. I don't want my bare ass to end up on the internet so I'll make one wearing something were you can see the shape of it tomorrow. God damn perverts. For now I'll go to sleep.
Edit 3: So first the updates. My friend said he is actually straight. He still a little quieter than usual, but he can see the joke. Hope it thought him not to masturbate to random people.
My mom loves you guys. I told her the whole story (minus the part about my friend cumming). She thought it was funny and said that she believed me to be bisexual for a long time and thought that me shaving was me getting ready for butt stuff. She wanted to have that talk for quite sometime.
Some people don't understand how the competition was played. The girl I send my picture to was not a contestant but more of a referee. She sent it to 8 guys that were not a part of the friend group and told them that these were of a few of her friends amd they should pick out their favourite. Later she send the results. It was a complete coincidence that my friend was a voter.
The TIFU continued by the way. My ass is itching. Like a lot. Dammit.
Lastly: You know what, I'm not going to send the pictures. Some of you guys are absolute beast. WTF. In the time that I was sleeping I got multiple messages from old man between the age of 50 and 70 talking about what they would do to my ass. I do not want them or any of the other disgusting people to have pictures of my butt.
Add to that some people that have been spamming me for complete nudes. Just because you are anonymous does not mean you can be a disgusting pest.
If it was for the laughs it would be okay, but some of you actually scare me. 1 guy even found my main account. How?
I feel truly sorry for the girls on this platform as I completely understand why anyone would delete their account.
Sorry, to all the people that were just curious or thought it was funny, but I'm just not comfortable with it anymore. I hope you understand.
TL;DR: Shaved my ass and entered a butt competition, made life awkward with my mom, a few of my female friends and 1 male friend. | I'd say this is a win. You helped your friend cum, you earned the title of best ass in your friend group at a severe disadvantage, and most importantly you now know that your mom loves and accepts you for who (she now thinks) you are. |
I applied SPF 100 sport spray, every hour (give or take) for roughly 4 hours. I was hanging out at the lake and at slightly higher elevations so the water reflection and elevation probably increased the damage.
I pretty much had no idea that I had a problem until I scratched an itch on my back and it hurt really bad. I considered for a split second that I had a burn but like an idiot, I rationalized it as "sunblock burned the broken skin from the scratch".
The blisters formed by the next day and I started reading the can to see if I missed something about applying it. I found the customer service number and called it. Before talking to anyone, I heard a recording tell me that the FDA doesn't require expiration dates on sunblock and to consider it expired after 3 years. This bottle was easily 4-5 years old.
I had no clue.
I went to the doc and got some amazing medicated gauze and they sent me home with pain meds after cleaning the burn off and showing everyone in the building.
It was easily one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. Except when my tank top straps got dried to my blisters on my shoulders and became part of the blister scabs overnight. Trying to pull them off was almost blackout pain. I soaked in a tub for a while until they basically melted off.
This was preventable- Sunblock expires, please check yours and make sure you store it according to the instructions.
NSFL
https://imgur.com/3nge8Nm.jpg
EDIT- I want to clear up: I'm naturally, very pale person, I was at high altitude while on and in the water. I do not blame anyone but myself for this. Whether expired or I stored it incorrectly whatever it was- it was my own fault. I should have been careful with making sure the things I use to protect my skin were being used as they should have been.
I agree that all sunblock should have expiration dates, I just don't blame anyone but myself for my lack of due diligence.
This isn't a chemical burn, just a bad burn on skin that rarely sees the sun with a few contributing circumstances that made it worse.
I'm not planning to sue anyone although I appreciate and understand why it is being suggested.
I just want people to have all the information to protect their skin! Be safe! Skin cancer is a real danger.
TL;DR- Sunblock expires. | # HOLY FUCK |
So didn't happen today, but rather yesterday. I invited a close friend to the movies with me. A few odd things happened, and it wasn't until I spoke to a friend of mine that I realized I missed multiple hints that she was into me.
1) Beforehand, I jokingly texted her about a time a friend of mine and I got stuck in town for four hours charging in front of a hotel (my car is electric). She replies "Don't worry, if that were you and I, we'd make the most of it" with a wink face after. I laughed it off and forgot about it.
2) Driving home, she tells me about her friends which 'know of every hidden fucking-spot' between the country roads that we were passing through, even pointing out a few. I replied, "I guess that's an interesting thing to know" with a laugh. She then looks to my backseat and goes "yeah, there's not much you could do in [my car] though". I then replied "You know probably not" and thought no more of it.
3) When we get back to her house, she asks if I want to go inside to get a soda, to which I politely declined because I wasn't thirsty.
TLDR: I missed strong signs that she was dtf
Edit: There is an upside to this however: she's very eager to go to the movies again.
Edit Edit: Wow this blew up! I guess it was that bad, thanks everyone
Edit: the first dialogue exchange was done over text, sorry for the confusion | > I wasn't thirsty
Clearly. |
Throwaway account because some of my friends/family know my real one
The lottery winning took place back in August 2014. Mike and I were married in October 2014. It wasn't a fortune, but enough to make a difference. After taxes it came out to right around $480,000. Most people would be over the moon, but I panicked. I didn't want our life to turn upside down because we had extra money now.
I was still legally single at the time, and so I was able to accept it anonymously without the need to tell anyone else. So I didn't. Tell anyone else. Not a single soul. Not my husband, my parents, siblings, best friends, etc. Only the state and federal governments.
(My husband has a tendency to spend on things we don't need and that aren't going to benefit us in the long run so I didn't want our money to blown quickly on stupid stuff like cars and clothes.)
I opened a new bank account with a national credit union and put the check in. Got started with a financial advisor (Keith), who guided me into investing in local businesses and real estate. And that's that. It's been sitting there since, just growing.
Flash forward to today. I'm doing dishes getting ready to start making dinner, and my phone rings. I can't get to it but figure I'll call them back. Then I get a text. No big deal. I'll get to it in a minute....but husband came into the kitchen and glanced at my phone to let me know who text me and called me (which he always does if my hands are full).
It's Keith. He called and text me to let me know my account just hit $1 million after one of the energy companies I invested in soared recently.
My husband is stunned. Has no clue what to even say, staring at me until he says "we have a million dollars??" I was so flushed but finally just sat him down and explained the situation. He's clearly mad at me for never telling him. Asks if my family knows, and I tell him that no one knows except the IRS and Keith.
It took him a few hours to finally be able to really talk to me.. at the end of the silence he told me he's proud of me for investing into our future but he needs a few days to clear his head because he feels like I hid a huge part of "myself" from him.
We might just need to take a vacation now.
TL;DR I won a lottery in 2014 and never told my husband until he learned that I grew the money to a million today.
Edit: I already have people messaging me asking if they can have money. Jesus. This is why I didn't tell anyone!!
Update! My husband and I just spoke on the phone for about an hour. He told me he's staying with his best friend/coworker tonight but that he's not angry. He agreed he would have spent the money on dumb things if he'd won it and is happy that I put it away. Little less happy that I didn't tell him about it for so long, but he said he doesn't care and doesn't want this getting in the way of our marriage.
Update!!!: Hello! Jesus I didn't know this would blow up so much. I've been at work and talking to my husband Mike all day, basically laying down some ground rules for the money moving forward. He will not tell anyone (didn't tell his friend!) and we will only dip in for emergencies and pre-discussed things. A few people asked in the comments how much we make a year, I guess to see where we'd be without this money. I currently make around 60k and Mike makes more at around 85k. So to all the ones saying I "starved him" or "made him scrounge" that is not true lol. We make a good amount.
I have no clue how to post all of the screenshots of the clowns in my inbox, but I'll try to put something in the comments!! | My wife is the bizarro version of you. She racked up a mountain of debt and didn't tell me about it for years. I found out when collections started calling. |
Hey! Y'all remember me? Yesterday, I made [this post] (https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/a2pdlw/tifu_by_making_a_girl_i_like_laugh_so_hard_she/) about when I almost killed a girl by making them laugh so hard it caused an asthma flare-up. Well, thanks to the incredible support of the reddit community (I got hundreds of pms urging me to go for it yall be crazy lol) I asked her out. And guess what....
After promising it most likely would not result in another hospital trip, she said yes! We're going out this Friday for a dinner. I know some people warned me about dating people at work, but honestly after what I happened I think I’m kinda obligated by the universe to go for it.
Thanks for giving me the support to do it guys. I was gonna flake-out.
So remember ladies and gents, if you ever have a crush on them, fucking dab on them. If it works with the haters, it'll work with the lovers.
TL;DR. Gave a girl an asthma attack by dabbing on them. They laughed too hard and ended up in the hospital. Reddit made me work up up the courage to ask them out. Somehow it worked. What the hell.
Edit: Thank you for all the awesome support guys!!! Just for the hell of it, I'll be posting updates of how it goes on /r/DateFromADab if you're interested!!!
| Did you dab after she said yes? Or would that be attempted homicide? |
As usual, this did not happen today...but rather 7 months ago. I'd like to preface this story by saying that at the time of this incident I was 29 years old. First, a little back story...
Sunday, April 2, 2017 started like any other Sunday for me. I woke up, did a little workout and then headed out for the day to get some errands done. Number 1 on the agenda was to get both my girlfriend's oil changed, as well as my own. I drove down to the oil place and got hers done first, then drove back to her house and picked up my car. I drove back to oil change place in my car and had them start on changing the oil on my car. I was sitting in the waiting room watching youtube videos when the event occurred that would forever change my life.
As I watched the video I felt a headache hit right behind my right eye and travel straight back to the back of my skull. Having never had a migraine before, I assumed that this is what it feels like and muscled through it. The pain was unrelenting but not unbearable, though I was a bit concerned at how fast it struck. They finished the oil and as they did, I texted my girlfriend to let her know that I had a headache and would be heading back to her house to nap it off.
I got back to her house, popped a couple Ibuprofen (mistake) and took a nap. I woke up hours later still feeling this intense pain in my head. I decided I would sleep it off the rest of the night and in the morning I would be good to go to work.
I woke up Monday morning still feeling like shit and decided I was in 0 shape to drive to work, let alone work construction all day with the way that my head was feeling. My girlfriend tried her best to convince me that I needed to go to the ER but I told her I just needed more rest and would be fine. She reluctantly let me try to rest as much as I could for the rest of the day, but my symptoms were not getting better. The only relief I could find was taking pain killers, which I'm not a big fan of, and napping.
I woke up Tuesday with the same symptoms and it was at this point that my girlfriend decided, "enough is enough." Against my protest, she dragged me to the ER...and saved my life.
I went in to the ER and told them my symptoms, also telling them that I have an extreme phobia of hypodermic needles and anything intravenous. They sent me to do a CT scan of my head, without the contrast because I wouldn't let them tap an IV on my arm. The CT scan was performed and I was brought back to the room to await the results. As I sat there I caught the Dr. who was seeing me jogging down the hallway. "It was at this point I knew....something was fucked up!" (Dave Chappelle voice)
The Dr. came flying into the room and said, "Hey listen man, you've had a stroke and you've got a pretty major bleed going in your brain right now. I need to tap an IV on you right now, do another CT scan with the contrast and then get you out of this hospital and to Stanford ASAP!"
My life stopped. "A stroke? I'm 29? How could I have had a stroke?" I couldn't comprehend what was happening but I looked to my girlfriend and asked her to phone my mother right away. I got on the phone with my mom and, while choking back tears, tried to explain to her what was happening. (Side note: I live in California but grew up in New Jersey which is where all my family still resides) I quickly gave her a brief run down and then got off the phone as the doctors were trying to move quickly on this. I asked her to please call my dad and hung up.
What happened next is a whirlwind. They tapped an IV, did a CT scan then I was transported by ambulance to Stanford ICU. I was greeted by the entire Neurology department, both residents and students alike. The first woman I met said she, "couldn't believe I was even still awake, let alone walking and talking." She told me, "usually with something like this there are only two ways people come in here: either in a coma...or dead."
As I laid in ICU they tapped an A-line, directly into the artery in my wrist and then two more IV's (for a total of 4) into my other arm. They had me sign over my power of attorney right away because they were absolutely sure that my condition would deteriorate and I wouldn't be capable of making decisions for myself. They were artificially lowering my blood pressure to prevent more bleeding into the brain, as well as, had some other fluids running through me.
My parents flew in from Jersey by the next day and I was sent for an angiogram later that afternoon (Wednesday). If you've never had an angiogram...consider yourself lucky. I've had 3. They lay you on a table and sedate you with drugs, though you are NOT asleep. They then tap your femoral artery through your groin and run a catheter all the way up to your neck where they directly inject contrast dye to get a more clear picture of the veins and arteries in your brain. Let me repeat, YOU ARE AWAKE FOR THIS!
The first angiogram was inconclusive because there was too much blood in my brain. The blood actually blocked the picture and they couldn't see anything. I was stabilized, the bleed had stopped and I was allowed to leave the hospital by Friday morning. I used up all my FMLA leave (12 weeks) and have been on disability since.
But wait...there's MORE!!!
6 weeks later I had to go back to Stanford for another angiogram to try and solve the mystery of what caused the stroke. This time they found the culprit. I had what is known as an Arterioveneous Fistula burst inside my brain. It's when an artery incorrectly attaches itself to a vein and pumps high pressure blood into a low pressure system, thus causing the vein to burst. To my understanding, the only way this happens is either from a major blow to the head (which I did not take) or from a case of bad luck (which sounds more my speed).
6 weeks after finding out what caused the stroke I went in to have a fully invasive surgery performed to fix the issue. I was put to sleep, had my head cut open and my brain operated on for 12 hours by the BEST neurosurgeons in the world. A 3rd angiogram was performed while I was asleep because they could not locate the fistula at first.
I awoke later that night in the most immense amount of pain I have ever been in. While I was asleep, two more IV's had been put into my arm, an A-line had been put in my wrist again, and I had a C-line, which is an IV in your chest that runs to your heart, put in as well. The fentanyl was about 5 minutes of relief followed by 55 minutes of me begging for more pain killers. They could only dose me once per hour...needless to say it was the longest night of my life.
The surgery was a complete success and the doctors told me I would never have to deal with something like this happening again in my life. The next day after the surgery I realized that I had double vision so bad that I couldn't see with both my eyes open. It was either one or the other. I had to patch my eye until I could see a vision therapist a few weeks later. My surgery was on a Wednesday and by Friday I was released, though still in an incredible amount of pain.
Fast forward, to October 2, 2017.
My vision was nearly back to normal and after 6 months of being on disability, I was finally ready to return to work. I was so excited my first day back, even though I wasn't in the field and was simply doing work in the tool room. Around 11:30 AM I took my lunch and finished reading my book I had been reading. At 12:30 PM I returned to work and about 10 minutes later I decided I had to use the bathroom. I left the tool room trailer, walked across the yard to bathroom, did my business and walked back to the tool room. As I walked back, I looked to my left to see what foreman had just pulled back into the yard, then quickly back to the tool room door....only....there was a problem.
I could see the door, but in my peripheral vision there was what I describe as a floating bubble, that had the scene from my left still playing in it like it was on repeat and it was flashing like a strobe light. I got into the tool room, sat down and tried my best to blink away whatever this was. I started getting nauseous, light headed and my left foot began to tingle. I think I tried to call my fiance (we got engaged after the stroke in April) for help but I don't remember because I blacked out. Next thing I remember was a foreman standing over me asking if I was alright and all I could think was, "how'd this guy get in my bedroom?"
I was delirious, I had smashed my face on the concrete when I fell and had busted my eye and bent my glasses. My supervisor took me to the ER where they did CT scans, blood work, EKG and chest x-rays. My white cell count was through the roof but they couldn't find any sign of infection so they diagnosed it as dehydration and syncopy (passing out).
I did a follow up with my PCP (primary care physician) and when looking at the blood work she asked for me to go back to Stanford Neurology to talk with them. And so I have...and this is where I am today...
I was diagnosed with a seizure disorder. The issue, as I've been told, is a direct result of the stroke and not the surgery. Due to the amount of time I allowed blood to flow into my brain, it has caused bruising and damage to that area of my brain which is what lead to me having the seizure. Had I gone to the ER right when it happened, things may be different today.
What this means for me now is I'll likely lose my Class A license and my career of doing physical work is over. Thank God the company I work for is so large that they can move me to another position where I won't be doing that type of work, however, that still does not change the hurt and disappointment I feel. Working construction has been my all time favorite. I'm a blue collar guy and I get a sense of accomplishment at the end of each day. I've poured blood, sweat and tears into this career and now that aspect of it is over. My days of being on a crew, joking around with the guys and generally having a good time while doing the physical work we do is DONE. It sucks. I'm not happy about it, but I don't let it change my outlook on life.
I refuse to give up on life. I can get through anything and I WILL get through this. I'm out of work until January 8, 2018 at which point I will return and meet my new tasks with the same passion as I did before.
I tell this story as a bit of caution to anyone else out there. Please, I'm begging you! If you ever feel like something is wrong with you...DO NOT HESITATE! GO TO THE HOSPITAL! Don't be like me, Mr. Toughguy, thinking you can get through it. You know your body better than anyone else on this planet, which means you also know when things aren't right.
I thank you all for taking the time out of your day to read my story. May God bless your life and your health
-ZK
(TLDR: Had a stroke at age 29, almost died, had brain surgery, recovered, went back to work only to have a seizure my first day back caused by the stroke and am still awaiting return to work)
[Edit: Here are some pics of when I was in the hospital and the recovery of the incision.]
https://i.imgur.com/Enbwl3S.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/PzvMaWb.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/7IVzKyD.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/Ri55Sk2.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/Zri1BB5.jpg | I had a stroke last Friday at 23. Age is irrelevant guys, if you’re having symptoms: GET CHECKED! |
My wife has very bad endometriosis and we’ve struggled with infertility since we started trying to have kids about 6 years ago. We’ve been super lucky to have 1 baby through in vitro fertilization and we are in the middle of trying for a second that way.
This involves a shitload of fertility drugs. One of those drugs is an estrogen supplement she has to take vaginally.
Infertility really messed with our sex life, especially at the beginning. The past few years though, we’ve worked really hard on getting that spark back. Thanks to IVF, sex isn’t for baby making anymore, it’s for connecting with each other and having a grand old time. So we get it on a few times a week and it’s fantastic. Because of our fertility issues, this guy hasn’t used a condom in 6 years.
I’m usually a pretty happy guy. The past few weeks though, I was in what has to be the worst mood anyone has ever had. I had a raging headache, wanted to cry every 5 minutes and had so much irrational rage about everything. My wife is obviously concerned and asks what the hell is happening to me. I’m concerned about myself to and we try to figure out why I was in such a terrible mood. Then we finally realized our fuck up.
She has been taking her estrogen supplement before we go upstairs for bed where we usually have some sexy time a few times a week before going to bed. Since I haven’t been wearing a condom my penis has basically been taking an estrogen bath several times a week and we think I’ve been absorbing the estrogen through my penis. I’ve been wearing a condom (boooo) for about a week now and I am pretty much back to my normal happy self. On a side note, I have a whole new understanding of the pure hell she goes through just to give us a chance at having another baby.
tl;dr - my wife has been taking estrogen supplements vaginally and I accidentally took them penis-ally without realizing it
Edit: wow I never had a post blow up this much.
For everyone going through infertility or dealing with endometriosis - know that you’re not alone and it’s awesome to be able to talk about it with others. Find a good support system even if it’s strangers on the internet.
For everyone leaving mean comments, I’m sorry if you don’t agree with my and my wife’s life choices. Try to have a little empathy and grace for other people when you have zero idea what they’ve been through. Yes adoption is a fantastic option. We went down that path for 2 years through both private adoption and through the foster care system. I wish it was as easy as everyone in here seems to think it is, because if it was, we would have adopted a long time ago. The system is broken and needs to be fixed. We have a heart for the foster system and when we have the space we plan on fostering along with raising our own kids. | Update because "penis-ally" got me. |
So my birthday is coming up and I found an item on eBay that I thought would be cool as a present. I figured I would casually mention it to both my wife and my mom...not thinking that either of them would actually try to bid on it.
Well lo and behold, they BOTH ended up bidding on it to try to win it for a birthday present for me and they unknowingly got into a bidding war with each other!!! They ended up driving up the price by about $200 before my wife finally won the auction. They could have just bought it new in the store for $50 less then she won it for!
TL;DR: I mentioned to both my wife and mom about an item on eBay I thought would be nice for my birthday...they unknowingly got into a bidding war against each other and drove the price up considerably.
| LPT put a rare but low demand item you own on eBay, tell all your loved ones you really really want that one item. Have them get into a bidding war for it. Pocket cash and keep the item. |
This started yesterday but I didn't realize my FU until today.
Yesterday, I stumbled on a price mistake for the 6 qt Instant Pot at Target, they were ringing up at $10 a piece instead of $80. I decided I would get some Christmas shopping done early and flip a few. I ordered 10 for in store pick up and 10 for delivery in case either order got canceled.
Well the delivery order was canceled but a got an email that the in store pickup was ready. I go to Target and give them my ID, they look it up and can't find it at first. I give them the order number and I hear the one guy say to the other something about it being canceled and they are both giving my odd looks. The one says he has to let the manager know I'm there so they radio over and the manager says it was canceled because of the price mistake. Seems a little odd that they needed the manager over the radio just for that but I didn't think much of it.
Fast forward to a little earlier this afternoon. The doorbell rings and my wife comes and tells me there are 2 guys at the door asking for me. I step outside and they identify themselves as detectives from the State Police Counter Terrorism Unit and they start questioning me about why I'm trying to buy 10 pressure cookers and if I know what they can be used for, if I'm making bombs and so on; they even have a picture of my car from in the Target parking lot. I did my best to explain the price mistake and how I found it, etc. I think they accepted my explanation but I'm still nervous that I'm on a watchlist now.
TL:DR tried to take advantage of a price mistake and buy 10 Instant Pots at Target, got interrogated by State Police Counter Terrorism Unit why I was buying 10 pressure cookers that could be used to make bombs.
Edit: here's the investigator's card since so many people seem to be doubting my story. I covered up personal info so I don't dox him or myself.
https://i.imgur.com/fFFw7CX.jpg | Six months from now, OP: "12 Hour Sudafed for $1 a box? Time to stock up!" |
Ok So my daughter has this one guy friend since 6th grade, who has always been coming over to our place. I think in ninth grade she told us that he's gay, honestly never got the impression that he was.
I mean sometimes you can absolutely tell when a guy is gay without even really knowing him. Anyways we went to a little trip in the forest, usually when we go on such trips, my daughter takes one of her good friends with her. This time she wanted her guy friend to come with us.
We had a great time in the forest and had planned to sleep over at a hostel. My wife and I slept in one room and my daughter and her friend slept in different rooms. I was ready to go to bed, when my daughter asked if she was allowed to, go out with her friend a little and just walk around in the area.
It was already late but I said yes. I actually wanted to stay awake and wait for them to come back, but unfortunately I fell asleep. I woke up at 1am and wanted to check if they had returned safely. So I knocked on my daughters door, no response .
I opened the door, she wasn't in her room and I started to panick. I immediately went to her friends room, knocked and there was also no response so I walked in. The room is kind of seperated , so when you come in you don't immediatly see the bed or anything, it's like a little hallway. So at this point I could already hear noises, not necessarily moaning but yeah noises. And I don't know why but my mind couldn't process this and I just went in further.
I was standing there, it was dark so I didn't see them, naked. I kinda had a WTF moment and said eww what are you guys doing. Really didn't mean to say that. My daughter screamed that I should get out, and , I said I thought he's gay, and just walked away. This morning I woke up and both of them had gone home. I guess that means more quality time with my wife.
TL;DR
Daughter always said her guy friend is gay, but I caught them doing the nasty while we were on a trip, and they both went home.
For those of you wondering my daughter is 17 and her friend is 18.
Edit: I just took a nap, and woke up to 19000 upvotes and so many comments, like I was wondering why is my phone vibrating so much.
Anyways I'm still at the hostel with my wife . I was on the phone with my daughter , and she told me that he isn't gay. Y'all and guess what!!. They have been dating for TWO DAMN Years. ( In september is their 2 years anniversary, so 1 year and 10 months idk) If you do the maths, two years ago my daughter, was in ninth grade, and that's when she told us he's gay. Everything makes sense now. But think about it, they hid it for TWO GODDAMN YEARS.
Edit 2: A lot of y'all have been asking why my daughter was hiding the fact that they were dating. She told me, that she didn't think the relationship is goint to last this long, and since the guy is sort of a family friend, they would have ruined it, if they would have broken up in a matter of a few weeks, but told us about the relationship, because then it would be akward for him to come over. 6 months in, they actually wanted to tell us, but it was always the excuse :,, yeah we're going to tell them next dinner". My daughter actually pointed out all the hints they made, for us to figure it out on our own. I missed all lol. And her saying that he's gay, well you guys know why. She felt like there had been too much lying involved, to tell us so yeah.
Edit: Ok that's the last edit, I need to go to work. But the reason, why I'm not mad at her is, just think about it we've all been teenagers at some point and did atleast some sort of sneaky thing. I met my wife when I was 15, and my wife lied about going to a girls sleepover, but she always slept over at my place. So yeah that's our daughter she took our sneaky genes. | Lmao the words “ eww what are you guys doing?” Coming out of the darkness. I would have been cracking up so bad. |
TL;DR: Got caught going to brown town on my wife by my 4 year old daughter because I didn't lock the door.
This happened literally 10 minutes ago. I'm dying laughing. My wife is mortified.
My wife and I haven't had a whole lot of alone time recently. Our 4 year old hasn't been sleeping well and comes to our bed to snuggle and sleep with us most nights. Tonight, after a few glasses of wine, we decide that tonight is the night. We tell our daughter to leave our room, and shut the door on the way out. I did NOT however, tell her to lock it.
Shenanigans begin. Now, I like eating my wife's ass. It's just what I do. After a few minutes of getting to business, my wife starts frantically hitting me on the head and shouting, "Babe babe babe!!" I look up from my wife's thighs and see our 4 year old, LITERALLY IN BED WITH US, laughing her ass off, and the first words out of her mouth are, "Why is daddy sniffing your butt??" I immediately extracate myself from the situation, roll over, and die laughing into my pillow.
About this time, our 18 year old walks up to our bedroom door to check in on the situation. My wife and I, both clearly naked under the sheets, are dying laughing as our 4 year old reports to her big sister, "I saw daddy kissing mommy's butt!" Our eldest knows exactly what just happened and she herself starts dying of laughter in the doorway. A mixture of humor and terror overtake my wife, and finally she gives in and starts laughing her ass off. We eventually banish our little gremlin back to her bedroom and our eldest makes popcorn and goes back to her room.
I'm lying here with my wife right now, laughing our asses off, drinking wine, and watching "Veep" for the 50th time.
Edit: We are about 30 minutes out of the.... Incident. My wife is freaking out thinking what our daughter is going to tell her daycare teacher tomorrow. She keeps rubbing her forehead saying, "I can't believe what just happened."
Edit next morning: Haha, my wife (also on Reddit) is floored by these comments. Little one has not brought it up again... Yet.
Edit again: You wanna eat ass? Read. Posted this as a reply to another post but probably good for the general populace.
I agree, it's a weird concept. The first time I went all the way down was with one of my first girlfriends in college and of course we were both drunk as skunks. She was naked with that caboose in the air, and I thought "Fuck it. Time to get to business." And... damn. Anybody who reads this, and I've said it before.... Eating ass isn't eating shit!! Take your hand, make a fist, and lick the center. That's what eating ass tastes like. It tastes like NOTHING. It's just skin. If it tastes like shit... I'm sorry, you got a nasty woman who can't wipe properly. I'm not trying to brag, but my woman is a fucking smoke show and will get it day or night.
Ok maybe bragging a little bit. | Because you guys all laughed so much, she knows it's a crowd pleaser. She's DEFINITELY going to tell other people. |
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