Datasets:
Amirkid
/
redditjokes

Dataset card Data Studio Files Community
1
text
stringlengths
1
40k
⌀
...I’m going to call it *Herb Your Enthusiasm*.
Attempted murder. There was probable caws.
Lead poisoning.
There were no charges
He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity." The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!" They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him how he contracted the virus. He answers, "I'm Boris Johnson."
Cantaloupe.
And the other one said, “I don’t know, ‘I‘ll-ask-ha’” This is joke #2 in my country-themed lineup. Next country in the spotlight will be Japan.
I shit you not, when you put your ear on it, you can smell the ocean.
Jump, Jump
this one
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period,'' said the little boy. "Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?'' ''Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Just to shake thing up a bit
moron of the fourth month
Happy April Flus
April Fool's
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague
I'll never do that for two bucks again
Pig fell in the mud
My daughter and her friend were telling me that they were building a chair out of snow at recess and it inspired this gem of a dad joke. If a chair made of snow is a snair, And a table made of snow is a snable, What is a house made of snow? . . . . . An igloo of course!!! (I bet you thought snouse!!) Posting today as I just realized it’s my cake day!!!
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.” “We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde. “Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden. “But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.” The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”
Everything you'll hear is true.
Bought him a brand new trampoline for christmas and all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.
**guy who named the blueberry:** what colour is it?
“You herd me.”
His wife asked: What are you looking for? Man answered: Searched through this for 3 hours and found no GODDAMN Expiration date!!!
I guess a fork
I told her "It's just a pigment of your imagination"
Only a Sith deals in absolutes
So you know that it's time to change the channel.
I dont even care it's small I'd take anything.
3 Engineers are discussing God and the human body. The first Engineer says God has to be an Electrical Engineer, who else could wire up such a complicated system? The second Engineer says God has to be a Structural Engineer, who else could build such a strong and sturdy frame? The third Engineer says you are both wrong. God IS a Civil Engineer, who else would run a sewer line through a recreational area?!
So, yes, I was stranded on a desserted aisle.
It would be everyone's pleasure
She said: “in a mirror” This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.
bors
A little old lady sold pretzels on the street corner for fifty cents each. Every day, a young lawyer would exit his office building at lunch, and as he passed her pretzel stand, he'd leave two quarters. However, he never took a pretzel. This went on for nearly five years. Even though they never spoke, every day he'd leave fifty cents, they'd make eye contact, and she would nod her gratitude as he walked away without a pretzel. Finally one day, as the lawyer passed her stand and laid down his two quarters, the pretzel woman spoke to him. "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are my best customer, but you need to know something. The price of pretzels has gone up to seventy-five cents."
once I am done with her.
Put it in a blender
"Oh it was terrible" she said, "He showed up in a 1948 Rolls-Royce." "So what's so bad about \*that\*?" I asked. Apparently he was the original owner.
His wife died
I’m referring to my marriage
So I went for a nice walk around the cemetery
Just one, but the lightbulb needs to want to truly change.
The female cashier says, “Wow, you must be single!” The man answers, “Yes, actually I am. How on earth did you know that?” Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”
Only to find out I'm one myself.
“Clothed for business”
Where were you born? I was born in India which part? what do you mean which part, my whole body was born in India! ​ needless to say, he didn't get the job
But she was dumb when it came to regular shit. She didn't even know that rain was something you need to come in to from out of. ​ EDIT: IOW she didn't like sentences that ended in five prepositions.
Yesterday he brought a dog along
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. "Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
I’ll tell you the new date tomorrow.
,Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it.".
Q: Where do pirates get their hooks? A: The Second Hand Store Q: Why isn't there a Second Foot Store? A: The employees protested with a walkout.
Because they drank the t
And Romans made it fun by adding women into it..... Until the British came...eh...arrived.
Approach her and say "Aww why the long face?"
When out of nowhere a hooker appeared and said “20 dollars.” The man replies “Hmmm... I’ve never been with a hooker before. At that point the man and the hooker walk over to some nearby bushes. They start going at it and about a minute or two in an officer walks over to the bushes and shines his light on the woman’s face. The officer says “What’s going on here?” To the man and the hooker. The man replies “I was making love to my wife.” The officer responds with “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” The man than replies with “Well neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.”
hand sanitizer burns like holy water,
Two parrots sat on a perch. One parrot looked at the other and said "Do you smell fish?" The other parrot replied "Oh my, a talking bird." *edit: spelling*
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Ukranian man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the bacon, pig?”
In my head I'm thinking: Well, you had a bunch of movie stars, entertainment moguls and catholic priests going around and touching people in the wrong places and a president who endorsed it all by just grabbing women in the... "It was nice honey, there were lots of tea parties."
Because they can take out the whole world with just one bat!
Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”
Twobearculosis.
Suddenly, a balcony door opens, and wife’s lover jumps in. He greets the husband and heads to the bedroom. In the morning he goes out and tells husband: “Your wife was kinda cold tonight” “Well when she was alive she wasn’t that hot ether.”
Because it's cheaper.
Now we are socially distanced
Neil DeSeed Tyson
"Who are you?" "I am B-B-Batman
are laying in one bed. A woman pulls out a cigarette and all three men light up their lighters for her. She smokes a bit and says: “Jesus, if my mom finds out I am smoking...”
That the coronavirus can jump from humans to politicians
I remember that she said she was proud of her bob and weave.
(I am a straight ally, and this is a joke, thank you very much :)) the receptionist goes, "hmmm, so, you liked bdsm, you were a submissive masochist, gay too" she calls god god sends him to hell with the devil jesus asks god, "why did you send him to hell" god responds "he will enjoy himself better over there than here" queue the man being VEEEERY turned on by the devil punishing him
Stop kaling my vibe.
I am the GRATEST!!
Bill and Heather, two grad students (and an item), were in the basement of the univ. library, doing research among old, non-digitized versions of National Geographic. Heather came across an article about an African tribe that practiced body mod. Specifically, they hung weights on their men's cocks, and they averaged 20 inches long. There were pictures. "You know," Bill said, "I could do that. While you're in Europe this summer, I'll put weights on my cock and stretch it out for you." Heather agreed that would be hot. In mid-July, Heather called Bill. "How's our anthropology project going?" "Not bad. I'm half-way there." "So now your cock is ten inches long?" "No, but it's black."
The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Take these, and your dreams will go away." "Can I start taking them tomorrow?" the man asked. "Why?" the doctor inquired. "Because I'm scheduled to wrestle in the championship match tonight," he replied.
Or as she calls it breaking up with me
but the E said N-O-P-E
Because it was a naan-Essential business.
When he had the position, he couldn't find the momentum, and when he had the momentum, he couldn't find the position.
Because it was fun knee
And the rabbi says to the priest "I notice that boxer making a motion on his chest like an X or a cross. What does that mean?" And the priest said "Not a damn thing if the man can't fight." yeah I ripped it off from Flight of the Phoenix the 2004 movie.
... And the village has no women - only men and animals. Jim asks a villager, "There are no women? How do you live without sex?" The villager points to a horse and says, "Oh, we just use that horse over there." Jim, now absolutely revolted, walks away in disgust. He thinks to himself, "God! These barbarians are practicing bestiality! How terrible!" However, after months of living in the village, the horse looks more and more attractive. One day, the man can't take it anymore and asks the head of the village if he can use the horse for sex. The leader agrees, and so he sends a team of volunteers, headed by Jim, to use the horse. As they approach the horse, Jim takes off his pants and starts boinking this horse. "**What are you doing?**" exclaimed the rest of the team, "We don't fuck the horse; we ride it to the next town over!"
People who can extrapolate missing data from what they’re given
Epstein’s even considering killing himself
An American from Michigan is visiting Canada. He stops to see his sister in Toronto, then flies out west to Calgary. He is quite taken with the Canadian Rockies, the friendliness of the Canadian people, and the over all wonderful attitude. He decides he wants to write a letter back to his sister in Toronto to tell her all about it. He writes the letter, heads down to Canada Post and is absolutely shocked when they tell him it is $1.07 for a stamp. Later that evening, he is out at a bar and gets to talking with one of the locals: "This is a great country you have here, but I have to admit, it was some serious sticker shock to have to buy a stamp for $1.07! Did you know that in the USA it only costs fifty five cents to send a letter?" The Canadian looks at him and replies, "Actually, it only costs fifty five cents to mail a letter here in Canada, too." "But the charged me a dollar seven!" exclaims the American. "Yeah," says the Canadian, "the other fifty two cents is for storage."
During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down. "That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it down?" "Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that." "So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference." "Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?" Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... Can you say that in Hebrew?" "Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh. Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight." At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak. Out came "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh." The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all the other knights?"
And I’m calling it Can Abyss
He was participating in ill-eagle activity
I'm glad I have a 6 foot dick.
Just treat it like it's any other day. ​ Have fun!
Then you have a slow internet.
a welshman with insomnia cannot sleep one night, so he calls up his friend, who tells him to count sheep, and that he's going to sleep. the welshman tries that and calls the friend again in the morning, 'well you didn't fix my insomnia but you sure fixed my erectile dysfunction'
It's an oxymoron.
...well except at funeral.
I find it to be a horrible corruption of the English language. I say pizz and past, like a _real_ American. Edit: wording
Not a sight for psoriasis
The second replies "They're that big?" "No", the first says. "They're that dirty."
Do to covid-19 they're clothed till further notice.